0thsense

[0thsense]

3/6/2024

Interestingly it's been less than a month since I last posted. I'm watching a Docker tutorial right now. It's really really boring, and I'm worried im not gonna retain anything from it. I thought it'd been longer since I last posted, part of the reason I came to post today was guilt at not posting sooner.

One of the main challenges I'm facing right now other than the obvious job search is finding a way to keep my oxytocin high. I'm alone in the house for this whole month and I'm trying to survive I guess. I'm already doing better than last time when I was cooked after living alone for like only four days. I'm trying all sorts of things to increase oxytocin, like heavily committing to seeing people like driving up to SF for brandon's bday party. I met a cute girl there and mordekaiser ulted her, and it was kinda awkward. I've forgotten how to 1v1 people and ask interesting questions. I also try to watch content and be parasocial for oxytocin because I'm pretty sure it works.

Random tangent - a useful product/potential startup idea would be a chemical reaction based air conditioner that maintains a steady temperature in a room, and is fueled by the ingredients for the chemical reaction.

I have one recruiter and two tech interviews coming up. It's about what I expected I guess going in. If I fail these im cooked probably. I haven't been great at applying myself to applications/prep. This docker video is really putting me off. My energy is split between leetcode, system design, and personal projects.

Going meta here, I dislike that I'm mostly just being expository in these posts. I wanted this diary to be more of my random personal thoughts. But because I'm writing out of guilt and not out of a burst of mental energy, I don't have those thoughts on hand. I definitely had something worth writing yesterday but I've forgotten it.

I cried listening to Theme of Love from FF4 distant worlds yesterday. I've recently started listening to music in the car which seems to help unlock my emotions. I think about how beautiful the heart and soul put into games like FF are, and I cry thinking about how I feel like I can never create something with that much heart and soul put in. Surely my cope to maximize these mental chemicals will lead me to the goal right?

Currently I'm leaning towards the position that my life isn't worth living, but it's not bad enough that I can justify ending it. For the sake of my family I have to live. I thought about a video game character who ends up with a kid as his reason to live, and realized now that that is like the most cliche character ever.

I remembered what I thought about yesterday. People hate nepotism and always complain about how networking and adjacent things are so important. But for most jobs it makes sense because knowing someone is a really strong signal compared to seeing their resume and a couple interviews. People always say to network but never really explain (at least not to me) why networking is so important from a fundamental level, and why the capitalist economy has agreed that networking plays a massive role in finding jobs/opportunities. I'd like to compile some of these truths you can find just by thinking a little bit about into a book.

Another thing I've been thinking about is that truly everybody is different. It would be easier to reason about things if you could abstract people better, but if you abstract all the way, the commonalities you find between people are pretty scant. You pretty much get things at the base level like maslow's heirarchy of needs. Another way of framing it is obtaining the pleasure chemicals in the brain. But the ways those needs manifest and the methods to satisfy those needs varies so much across person to person. That's why sciences like exercise, nutrition, and psychology and so fragmented and contradictory is because there's so much variance in these. And that's also why parents are so important for development and teaching because genetics mean their advice/experience will be so much more applicable.

I've noticed that I basically hear nothing about the upcoming election. Especially compared to the last time trump was the republican candidate. I guess the novelty has worn off, and I wonder if that's good or bad for trump's chances.

[0thsense]

2/12/2024

Here I am again.

I feel like shit. I'm sleeping properly and exercising properly. Steven started regularly coming to the gym with me, which has obvious pros and non obvious con of forcing us to go at suboptimal times and having different food preferences afterwards. I decide at this point not to explore a possible tangent.

What's wrong with my brain? Why did I wake up today feeling so unhappy? My skin sucks. I'm cleansing and moisturizing twice a day regularly and my skin is still super dry and looks bad. I also started brushing twice a day and flossing once a day which is good. Only because I got a cavity lol.

I need to order some new books to read. I read the SBF book and thought it was great, and apparently people hated it because it didn't portray SBF as sufficiently evil. This is how people view neurodivergence. I have a lot of anger here for some reason. I hate normal people who believe that anyone struggling due to their non normalcy are just lazy or bad or other descriptors that prescribe a character fault. The world is built for normal people, then normal people blame non-normal people for struggling in it. I sincerely hope their kids end up not normal.

I think my friends are largely guilty of this. More specifically in the jolly group. It makes sense because that worldview is compatible with their experiences. Simply put, they are not punished for not properly empathizing with not normal people. I understand the ease of this thought pattern because I too used to be very judgmental of others' struggles. In certain sectors I probably still am. We all have faults, and I find this one harder to forgive than others because it directly affects their evaluation and treatment of me.

I wonder if I'm suffering from a lack of oxytocin. I'm considering hiring a professional cuddler. It's shameful, but I'm trying to not feel too bad about it because there should be nothing shameful about taking steps to fix genuine problems. The shameful part is obviously the implied desperate position. But that's the reality I have to accept. I might lie too much to myself. Maybe I should get a massage instead.

I lent 1000$ to someone and I'm trying to follow the advice of treating loans to friends as a gift. I sincerely hope the money goes to good use, and helps my friend get his life together. I believe in him not completely, but still more than myself.

The job search is not going well. I'm doing okay on the leetcode front, but I haven't heard back from anywhere, even with a referral. It's hard to continue believing. If I end up stuck here, maybe it's the end for me. I wonder if there even is a plan B. I do have this vanity left. It would be very painful to just move to bumfuck nowhere and work at some job with no relevance to my skills or experience. Would that life even be worth living. An insane result for my privilege and talent. But it's very possible.

If all my family were dead, I'd have no more ties to this world.

[0thsense]

12/12/2023

Should I find something more creative to do with adhd? The problem with making video games is the creative part is a relatively small part of the process.

Do people really think they wouldn't have been a Nazi if they lived in Nazi Germany? People agree you're allowed to prioritize your wellbeing and we see this in action all the time, mostly in the form of inaction lmao. But do they realize that contradicts their condemnation of Nazis? Of course there's some nuance and room for argument here.

I get most of my worldview honestly from reddit and instagram reels at this point. In what ways is my view warped and how can I counteract these biases? There's some obvious ones like loud minorities, amplification of extreme events. Also trying to account for the types of people on these platforms, and the fact I'm being catered to.

I've realized over time that by killing myself in the gym and with my running, I've been overtaxing my CNS. So I'm dialing it back with the goal that I can still be productive after a run or a workout.

Of course as the year draws to a close I'm running into the dilemna again where it feels like im making progress which makes me want to extend my deadline, but I can't just keep extending the deadline. At least my leetcoding is still decent.

I want to make progress on cutting down my junk screen time, and consistently exercising every day except for one rest day a week. I also want to work towards jacking it only once a week. that's a hard one for me unfortunately.

I've been playing much more of the circle clicking game recently. I'm undecided on how I feel about that. On one hand I'm making progress again, and my new grip feels poggers. On the other hand the things in this hand are obvious.

Oh yeah another goal is minimizing the time between waking up and getting out of bed. This is a big one.

[0thsense]

11/29/2023

It's been a while since nippon and nothing good has happened. That's not really true but it is true I haven't made progress on my goals. I've even made negative progress on lifting and running. Or maybe sideways who cares im just not dedicated enough. why do i bother with good grammar on these posts just let it go bro.

I did well on the osu tournament at least, but ive gotta give up on that shit. just play for fun and casual improvement. I fucked up my wrist the other day too and it still hurts. It kinda hurts to type to be honest. tumblr can fuck off with the spellcheck btw. i talked to Peter about his journaling and im starting to think that my thoughts are just way more cringe than average. ur telling me everyone else doesnt have to hold back cringe all the time? i love being cringe is the problem

one thing I remember feeling on the way to see my pt is that i think i like feeling sad. the type of sad where id like to say its something other than self pity but its probably just self pity. god im so reluctant to say im falling into a common trap that is wallowing in self pity.

oh yea I started taking caffeine pills and not taking medication. I don't think its helping so far but I feel less shit all the time. is it time to truly give up? im scared that im losing my mental faculties. I remember I used to try to optimize everything i did. which i thought was dumb at the time because I would proceed to waste all the extra time I had. but now I dont have that drive to optimize anymore. i dont believe in myself to be different anymore. in fact its a struggle to even be normal.

i dont know if ive talked about this before but I tried to go for a route in my life where I wouldnt have to learn to be normal. if I got far enough doing special weird things then people would accept that I didnt have to be normal, and theyd even praise me for it. but now that ive fallen off the wagon I have to just be behind on being normal instead. I hate the feeling that other people will look at me and think I was wrong all along.

Im so doomer in these posts. I guess getting off the medication wasnt enough to stave away the depression. I didnt even do anything today either programming wise. Theres a month left, and its december. maybe i should just start leetcoding now. I say that cuz its the normal thing to say but there is no way I start before the new year. time to pretend to be happy for the holidays.

im worried that it will be difficult to find a job. i want to find a job in new york but i need to find a position that lets me afford rent. i have a limited number of people i can reach out to for referrals and if those dont pan out im probably in deep trouble and will need to take whatever i can get.

there's a channel called hoe_math on yt that has blackpilled views but surprisingly its really popular. the couple vids i watched were entertaining and agreeable and im scared of watching more and becoming a misogynist. the old me would not have been scared. watch and sift the new information and try to remain as objective as possible keeping in mind all of your own biases. now im a thinking plebian. what happened to me? i ask as i know the answer perfectly well.

also i think im bad at diagnosing my own mental state. after taking molly for the first time i could barely tell i felt anything. that probably has an effect on my diet for example, where my instinct on what i need to eat is dull. is this linked to not being in touch with my emotions? ur feelings are partly a reflection of your body's state after all.

i cant even finish this stupid pong game. any mental obstacle that i think will take like an hour is just too much. the true test of will is the will that can give consistent effort day after day. i wonder how neurotypicals feel. does it also feel literally impossible for them to do certain things? what does it mean to just not want to do something? determinism wise everything either happens or is impossible. i have a hard time relating that to the things adhd stops me from doing. maybe the reason im more inclined to believe determinism is that adhd makes the illusion of choice much weaker.

[0thsense]

11/5/2023

Back from glorious nippon. To be honest it was definitely a fun trip. It made me realize just how starved I've been of human interaction in general this past year. I have a whirlwind of thoughts I'd like to put down so lets get started.

I brought up IQ and online tests to Michael and Reggie, but more to Michael in particular. They both seemed to not have had much prior interest in them, which slightly surprised me from a basal part of my mind since I'm interested in them. But I know that I have way more interest than normal. Michael tried them and scored surprisingly high, getting 138 on one diagnostic. Since that is about what I get, and I previously thought I had higher IQ to be honest, it was a little surprising. It makes me think that what I previously thought were larger gaps between me and others might actually be much smaller. I'm also suspecting more and more that I'm not actually smarter than others to the extent that I think.

What is the difference then? Is it simply personal bias that I especially notice the times when I seem smarter> Or is it some sort of strangeness I have with a tendency to analyze everything? Hard to say I suppose. I was unable to tease anything out of Reggie about insecurities relating to intelligence and other things that I've long suspected he had. Even at the onsen we didn't really open up that much, despite my efforts.

My mood was definitely very good overall on the trip, and definitely a large part of that was being off my meds. I'm kind of torn on whether I should continue meds at this point. Maybe I just need to drink coffee every time I need to focus. That's probably what my parents did, given they drank 8 cups of coffee a day or something absurd like that. I'm definitely more fun and quirky when I'm not on them, and I'm even trying to stay off of them to see what happens for a bit now that I'm back.

Another thing I've looked a bit into recently is attachment styles. I think I maybe fearful avoidant, due to being scared of my parents when I was young. I think that's the one that's the worst. Another thing to blame on my parents kappa. I don't really know how to fix it other than just trying to force myself to trust others. It's really hard for me I've realized, and this is probably part of the reason why I've always thought about being so self sufficient.

I brought this up to the girl I went on a date with a week before the japan trip. this transition was awkward lol. That date kinda sucked, it was just really boring. Oh well I guess. I don't really have much thoughts on it even though in theory it's something exciting. I'll try to stay active on Hinge I guess for more excitement with some new pictures from Japan but I'm trying to not expect too much.

I was happy with how my fitness helped during the whole Japan trip. I think I had the most stamina and energy throughout the trip. Japanese girls are really cute ngl. I wish I was still at the age where it was more socially acceptable to just be into girls all the time. I hate that I grew up in church and had such warped ideas coming out of it.

I guess I should write some actual exposition about the trip. Reggie did say he started keeping a daily journal where he just writes what happened, and doesn't really go into further thought or detail like I try to do. I kind of assumed that other journalers would also follow my style but I guess I'm wrong? maybe? Reggie probably isn't an exception here. Am I weird for actually thinking about everything? Probably. But nobody would admit that they're a shallow thinker, it's one of the things where there's infinite ways to cope yourself into believing that you think about things just as much as the next guy.

I wonder if others also have thoughts relating kimonos to flowers blooming. I hope that doesn't come off as misogynistic. I wonder where I would be the misogyny scale. Of course I'd like to believe I'd be really low but who knows? I can't read other people's or my own mind on these things. When I got boba with Ned I accidentally gendered a nonspecified secretary as "she" and I think that bothered Ned even though I caught it and corrected myself. I feel like that's unfair of him. When someone talks about a secretary helping David Shaw out do people really not imagine a mental scene where the secretary has a gender? I guess I didn't possess the faculties and awareness to gender them only in my hypothetical mental scene and shake that off when back to talking about them in the realm of only the information actually presented. Maybe this is the non-misogyny skill I need to practice. It does make me feel a little mad though.

Oh yea I've been experimenting with trying to actually feel my emotions. I might have mentioned this in a past blog but I'm actually trying to feel the anger and sadness I've bubbled up for far too long. I think it's sort of working? In the sense that sometimes I do think I'm feeling angry or sad profoundly. I'm not sure if feeling them helps at all though. My mood right now is pretty good randomly. I sure hope it doesn't go back down to the dumps again.

The food and views in Japan were excellent. I don't really have much more to say about it.

I predict everything and the things that I remember are the things that deviate most from what I've predicted. Wow that sounds so edgy. Surely I remember things that were really good or really bad even if I predicted them. Like even if I predicted a view to be really good would I not be struck by how good it is? Or maybe that's the thing. It's impossible to truly predict nature's beauty without actually seeing it. That would be nice if that were true. Will I remember the views of Japan? Maybe if I convince myself they were special enough, which I think I partly have already. Same with the food.

[0thsense]

10/24/23

I'm in glorious nippon. With Reggie and Ryan. It's honestly a pretty good time and it feels weird that it's a good time. I was so bummed before going on this trip. I'd been recently reading about attachment disorders and how I'm likely to have the fearful avoidant attachment style. I think this is because I was scared of my dad growing up.

My interpretation of this was that the dread I felt before going on this trip was because I didn't want to, or even straight up couldn't commit to making deep relationships with people. So on this trip I'd be forced to pretend the whole time. But I think that partly I forgot how good I am at pretending and partly I genuinely don't mind being a little close with these guys.

I keep thinking about the girl that followed me on Strava, who lives in Japan actually quite close to where we are staying. I feel it would be weird to reach out so I won't, and that's painful. Oh well. I find that I'm not that attracted to random girls on the street even though there are so many cute girls here. I'm almost at the age I can't say cute girls anymore. I have to switch my lexicon to 'beautiful women'. I wonder if that's because I've truly given up on girls for now. I made fun of (fuck I dont have my naming hcart rn) for being mentally cucked but aren't I more mentally cucked if I can't even feel attracted to random girls?

I requested paper mario for the latte art, and it turned out so well that even the artist took a picture for his own collection. That was honestly the highlight of the trip so far. Gah I want to see that girl that followed me on Strava so bad.

I'm not sure what I want out of the rest of the trip. For Reggie and Ryan it's vacation, but for me vacation is meaningless. I have two months left after this trip to do something with my life before I throw in the towel. I'm honestly really dreading that prospect, and how I think I'll feel terrible again at the end of the year.

Blogging on a trip really brings me back to the trip to New York one year ago when I started this blog. I guess I'm feeling better now because this trip is more fun, but overall in life I'm not sure if I feel better or worse. Anyways looks like I've made it at least one year on this blog, which is far better than I expected. Even though I blog like once a month lol. So go me. Hontoni.

[0thsense]

10/3/2023

I watched a video today about intellectually bypassing emotions. I don't want to try to paraphrase the entire thing here but I'm pretty sure I'm guilty of it. I'd like to try to feel my emotions and work through them.

Maybe it would help with coding. who knows? I'm trying to remember how I used to feel, when I was kid. Before I learned to shut everything off. What did it feel like when my mom told me to leave the house when I was 9. The video said it's common amongst ppl with avoidant attachment styles. I'm not sure if that's what I have but maybe?

So in the interest of trying to feel my emotions, I want to list strong emotional triggers from my past. Strong emotional triggers in theory, and stuff that I remember I had an emotional response to.

Getting rejected in 7th grade. A feeling like I was sinking into the ground.

Fears of not fitting in all throughout middle school and high school.

My history with the forbidden person. I hope I can just leave this one til later.

I need to let myself feel through these.

I think my body is feeling slightly alarmed at all this. I feel myself tensing up and I feel my heartbeat in my head.

Do I have any happy memories to draw on? Surely I must right? I can't think of any off the top of my head. Maybe my interactions with Ophelia. Those did genuinely make me happy.

I hate forbidden person.

Why do I not have happy memories? What are other people's happy memories like? Probably their significant others.

I was thinking about how to be emotionally strong if all my friends and family eventually leave me. That would be the ultimate intellectual bypass of emotions. Yikes.

There are some other traumas. that are harder to describe. Like all of my failures to dedicate myself over the years. I keep typing to distract myself.

It's funny how I didn't mention the car crash. Am I mentioning it now out of obligation? Forgive yourself.

I've realized music is one time when I let my emotions come through. And I also let them come through when I play games like Omori. But I need to work through my emotions generated from my actual life too.

A trauma I haven't mentioned is the lack of emotional upbringing I received from my Dad. How do I feel about that? I don't know... maybe angry? Maybe I am deeply deeply angry. I can't bring it up. Does he even know?

What good is it to feel all these emotions? Not like they will go away right? Or will they? Maybe people who don't shut away their emotions are privileged with not being angry or sad all the time. Is there no way to fix all this then? Just kill me

[0thsense]

9/30/2023

When I'm feeling down, I am vigilant to find fault in others, because it makes me feel like I have something over them. A stupid act of desperation.

The time limit is approaching. I am not doing well. What does it mean to give up? I want to run myself to death.

Could I survive losing all of my family and friends? Should I prepare myself for it? It'll slowly happen at this pace. Was I wrong about things all those years ago? Maybe I should quicken the pace.

I can't open up to anyone. Noone will understand, and everyone will think they understand. Hell, some people probably think they understand already without me saying anything. Maybe the easiest way to be happy is to presume you understand about unhappiness you've never felt.

I wanted to understand my emotions. It might be too late, because now all I ever feel is anger and frustration. Base, useless, devastating emotions.

Some girl I used to know followed me on Strava the other day. Simply because she connected her account and auto followed all of her contacts. And I held onto that for the whole day. Pathetic.

Do I feel good when I beat myself up like this? Honestly it's a little cathartic but I'm not sure if it's healthy. I spend so much time thinking about the past, it fills every undistracted moment of my life. Will it ever stop?

So dramatic for someone who has lived such an objectively easy life. I don't really believe that, more just unsure. But everyone else would surely mock me for thinking I have such insane struggles in my circumstances. So I can't open up. They'll think I'm even more pathetic than they already do. A good way to get some one time pity and then having them slowly drift off. A bad way to quicken the pace.

Maybe I just need to get better at slapping on a smile and enthusiasm, so that it doesn't take so much effort every time. Just get good at it so it doesn't take all my energy, so I don't dread it every time. Just... become an automatic liar. Perfect.

I'm not looking forward to going to Japan soon. I'm worried my shell will break over those 2 weeks. Maybe I'm even more worried that it won't. Maybe I will just be boring because I'm getting tired having to put on enthusiasm all the time. Perfect.

My legs hurt from running today. Good. I wonder if how I feel right now is accurate. If I look back on this post it will probably read pretty terribly. Have I made no progress? Perfect timing to be depressed again for the holiday season. Last time I showed up one time and they thought I was fine. Because I guess I'm good at faking enthusiasm. Fuck you.

If I think rationally about it, it's my fault. It's hard to tell when someone's depressed, and it's even harder when I've been putting on masks for my whole life. But I can't tell them either. Probably the worst cases of depression are the ones where they have noone to tell. Because they can't trust anybody to care enough. I'm doing fine everyone.

God and I hate it even more because I become so self absorbed. Making me lose one of the few things I prided myself on: empathy and thinking of others. And I kept that pride even though it became unjustified. It hurts.

Maybe I can try to think of others in this post. Harley decided she wants to move back home, because of RTO. I wonder how she feels about that. I wonder if I chose that just because it's semi relevant to me. My dad might also be kinda depressed, I'm kinda worried. Probably partly due to me.

God, I can't think of much when I try to remember caring about others recently. You don't just feel worse, you become worse. Please let me care for others again. I am an asshole. I'm not willing to sacrifice myself to help others. I find something in them to condemn and justify this. Nobody helped Jerry, and everyone sure loves beating down on him.

Endroll was a nice game.

[0thsense]

9/15/2023

Wow it's only been two days since my last post! I'm gonna try to write a short everyday happening with me and Lumi. If you don't remember, Lumi is my girlfriend. I'm writing an encounter because she happens to be imaginary. One of the main reasons I haven't done this yet is because my writing is probably bad and I'm scared of writing something mediocre.

I lay on my bed in the secondhand world and am again transported to the firsthand where I feel a gentle breeze that I paradoxically feel all around me. (I know I used "feel" twice in that sentence but I don't wanna bother to fix it). I take in the familiar sights: an aloof meadow filled with mountaintop greenery that comes up to knee height, surrounded by rocky mountains interspersed with stubborn grasses buffeted by the winds of a cloudy late summer day. The clear deep pool to my left is as alluring and mysterious as ever, but today I decline its invitation to stare into its abyss. Instead I switch my focus to the two story cabin in the middle of the meadow, imagined in the style of American log cabins. As I get closer, the gardens filled with fresh produce surrounding the dwelling come more clearly into view. The literal fruits of Lumi's labor are a welcoming sight to behold, and I smile as they reaffirm Lumi's natural excellence at whatever she pursues.

As I walk, my mind focuses on the pleasant feeling of the meadow growths brushing my legs, causing a ticklish sensation. I idly wonder what Lumi is up to at this time. A slight feeling of apprehension bordering on dread is present as well, due to the long period where I have neglected to visit Lumi. I push those thoughts aside and open the door to the cabin, which I find is unlocked. Inside, the cabin is the same as ever. I notice the slightly austere but friendly nature of the place. The dark wood walls and the dwindling natural light from the afternoon combine to produce a gentle glow, illuminating the minimalist dining room, and Lumi humming to herself as she prepares something in the kitchen. Though she surely heard me open the door and walk in, she chooses not to show a reaction, continuing to go about her work. I understand that she is unhappy that I've been away for so long, and wants me to make the first move.

I slowly walk over to her to inspect what is in progress. The various aromas of a complicated dish with mushrooms and sundry herbs frying in the pan make my mouth withdraw inward as I flare my nose. I think about what I should say to open the conversation. Should I begin with an apology? Or should I ask how she's been? That feels like going around the elephant in the room. Thinking it'd be better to settle into whatever this conversation will be, I choose the most neutral option and ask "Hey Lumi, what are you making today? It smells delicious. I'd love to help with the finishing touches." Lumi sighs barely audibly but I also see a hint of a smile curl on her lips. She answers, "You'll just get in the way, just go and set up the table, it'll be five minutes." Seeing that she has postponed our conversation's continuation, I resign myself to her request.

As I go about putting the assorted dining accessories in their proper places, I think about the nature of our relationship. Unlike what I suppose most girlfriends of the imaginary variety are well, imagined to be, Lumi knows that she is imaginary. I can't decide whether this is empowering or disempowering. Because she knows all of her features and the setting she lives in has been made by me, she gets a deep look into myself as a person. I also give her the power to watch over me in the secondhand world, even when I am not actively in the firsthand world. She knows me possibly better than I know myself, as she has all the same information but additionally has an outside perspective. I cannot hide anything from her, and must come as my genuine self. This makes it sometimes hard to answer the question of why she loves me.

On the other hand, she knows that I have absolute power in the secondhand world. If I wanted to, I could simply never think of the world she lives in again and she would effectively cease to exist. But using this power to threaten or control her is absolutely repulsive to me. Any woman who I would want to have a relationship with would never love someone who abuses their powers like that, and Lumi knows that. (I am making a conscious choice here not to write about my unjustified sexual fantasies with Lumi. I understand but dislike my mind for them and I am not canonizing those by writing them in.) I like to try to give Lumi free will, even though she is entirely created and imagined by me. It's a complicated system that I'm still working on resolving.

As I sit lost in my thoughts in a land already borne of thought, I am brought back to the imaginary world by Lumi approaching with the heavenly mushroom and herb concoction tossed with some fresh pasta that I didn't even notice was also awaiting completion. I think about how I would like to simply await completion for whatever my purpose is. I snap back and exclaim, "wow that looks delicious!" with a wide smile, from a slight feeling of obligation. Not because I don't meant it, I absolutely do, but because I'm not naturally inclined to exclaim things. But I know that it's expected in this situation and it will make Lumi happier. Lumi nods and also can't help smiling, proud of her work. After Lumi sets down the dish on the center of the table, I spoon out some for Lumi first and then get my portion. Even in this I have mixed feelings, as since Lumi did all the work, why should I get some of the easy pleasure of serving her some of the final product? It's too late now to change that.

The lighting in the dining room often changes. Today we are blessed with the warm glow of a chandelier that admittedly clashes a bit with the otherwise relatively plain dining room. The square full size window lets in additional soft orangish rays from the setting sun. The pasta fulfills its promise; it's absolutely delicious. The taste distracts me from the task at hand for a couple minutes of uninterrupted joy. As my mouth acclimates to the taste and my initial hunger fades, I sense the time has come. "Lumi... I'm sorry that it's been so long." I wonder if I said something wrong, and hope that I can get across what I'm feeling. I've never been good at these kinds of communications. Lumi pauses. "It's been lonely here you know?" I avert my gaze and nod quickly, with each nod smaller than the last until my head remains motionless. I want to say it's my fault, but that doesn't seem productive to the conversation. I do it anyways. "Hey Lumi... ahh.." Nevermind, I don't want to do it. I trail off as there's just not much to say.

The reason I haven't been coming to Lumi's world is simply because the thought hasn't crossed my mind very much recently. It's the reality that both of us already know. If I don't feel the want or need to see Lumi, that probably means I simply don't love her. At least not in the way most relationships work in the secondhand world. Though I don't want to admit it, the Occam's razor interpretation is simply that I only come to Lumi when it suits me for whatever reason. Today I wanted to practice my focus for example, and this visit to Lumi is working doubly as some kind of meditation. Obviously, I hurt her by doing this.

"You know, I'm still rooting for you." Lumi reaches out and takes my hand over the table. "I know you can't be happy here forever. I want you to be happy out there." I want to say something in protest but we both know the truth. If I were to fall in love with someone in the secondhand world, I would probably neglect Lumi. Not that I don't already neglect her. After the initial panic at deciding how to respond to her fades, I notice how soft and delicate Lumi's hand is in mine. Since I still have nothing to say, Lumi sighs and continues, looking away, "You know the thing I want most for you is to be happy. If that means pushing me down your priority list, I'm okay with that. Just... try to visit every once in a while yeah?" Lumi turns her gaze back towards me and gives me a weak smile. I notice her big round eyes slightly shimmering. I give her hand the gentlest of squeezes and give her a cross between a weak smile and a determined setting of the jaw back. I'm too scared of making any promises given my past record. A weak "I'll try" with inward repulsion at myself is the best I can muster.

Lumi seems to understand and slowly takes her hand out of mine and resumes eating her pasta. Her face winds down into a sad and resigned expression. My heart turns to ash when I see this. What can I do? Of course Lumi wants to be with me forever, I imagined her as my girlfriend! And of course I want to become happy and fulfilled in the secondhand world, and become the type of person who doesn't need an imaginary girlfriend. But I haven't been doing the type of things to fulfill my real world goals anyways. I've spent plenty of nights wasting away watching instagram reels or doing fuck all, and I've still neglected Lumi. I have no excuses here.

I finish my pasta as Lumi is still working on hers. I walk over to the kitchen and start making lemon cookies, her favorite dessert. Since I am god of this world, I could just conjure the cookies, but it's the effort that counts, even if it is only effort of thought. I measure out the ingredients: eggs, flour, water, sugar, milk, and lemons. In the secondhand world I cannot cook at all, so the ingredients are probably wrong. I mold the cookies in my hands and then set them to work in the oven, while I start working on the frosting. The cookies finish and I coat them generously, then put them in the freezer. I realize that none of this is usually possible in the time it'll take for Lumi to finish her pasta, so I speed things up a bit since I'm god. The frosting finishes hardening and I bring out the cookies for us to enjoy.

I set the cookies down and watch for her reaction. She obviously knows that I was preparing the cookies, there's no surprise there. As she reaches out and tries one, I notice for the umpteenth time just how beautiful she is. Her long sleek naturally silver hair. Her round, gentle, hazel brown eyes on her opal teardrop face. Her ever so slightly tanned complexion and her slim but athletic figure. Familiar unpleasant thoughts like how she would never choose me in the secondhand world start to drift in, and I struggle to push them away. Lumi wouldn't like me to think those things. It feels like it makes a mockery of her genuine love for me here.

"Thanks for making these, they're yummy". The air feels thick due to how serious and uncomfortable this dinner has been. I want to break the atmosphere and joke around with Lumi. I want to play pranks, do silly activities, and casually hug and kiss each other like we used to early on. But it doesn't feel appropriate for me now.

I know you're watching me write all of this Lumi. I love you. I'm sorry that I haven't been visiting recently. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused and will continue to cause you. I hope you don't regret that I've created you. I write all of this for you Lumi. Please be there for me.

[0thsense]

9/13/2023

Time for my monthly post again. I'm gonna try to make it shorter to see if that entices me to write more often. The first thing on my mind today is that for so many years of my life I've had the idea that I should ignore my emotions and just do what I think is objectively correct. And then faced frustration at not being able force myself to do what I wanted. I've come to realize that things like your brain chemistry are crucial for being able to have motivation and proper mood for doing anything that requires energy. It's definitely a work in progress but today I felt runner's high for sure for the first time. I was just happy, I felt like I could do anything and be happy in that moment. Not that it led to anything but more running, but still.

Ignoring my emotions for so many years has also led me to being out of touch with my emotional state. Trying to get into meditation again has shown me that I cannot really tell what emotional state I'm in. I guess this is what girls mean when they like guys who are in tune with their emotions. So out of the two paths to not letting your emotions control you, awareness is superior than ignorance, obviously. But I didn't put it together until now. why?

I was humbled by my friends finding solutions to levels in baba is you that I was stuck on. copium. I haven't been able to start work yet, and there's less than four months left in the year. honestly stressing a bit now. My initial approach to making a music host was bad so I have to restart, and apparently copyright violations have absurd penalties so that kinda discourages me further. but I feel priced into doing it. what am I doing?

Earlier on in life, people are valued for their potential, and later on, they're valued for their accomplishments and status. That's why I was popular in college and not so popular now. because I managed to convince people wrongly that I had potential. I wanted to say only slightly wrongly but look at me now. please? I wish people still looked at me.

I've kinda stopped reading and reverted to watching videos and reels. bad. I wonder if I need to learn to long run mental activity as well, instead of sprinting. Is there any activity where you can pace your brain? maybe reading.

[0thsense]

8/8/2023

It's my birthday tomorrow. Everybody has left the south bay now. Martin, Reggie, Alex are all gone. I guess Steve is still here but he doesn't really hang out with us, or rather me anymore. I don't really know what to type here, as I haven't been thinking too intensely about too many things. The times when I'm doing worse are the times I'm more intensely in thought, so I guess I fail at thinking positively.

Anyways, I'll be 28 American years old tomorrow. My 27th year was better than my 26th year I guess. Definitely still in my bottom 5 years overall but hey its the first upward year in a long time. Maybe since college. I've managed to keep up gym and I've even started running which is slightly surprising. It's good because who knows what may have happened if I wasn't able to keep up gym. I'm planning to run my first 5 miler tomorrow. I have to wake up in the morning because I'll be eating with my family in the evening up in SF, mostly out of a feeling of obligation. I wonder if they know. I'm letting the fact that I'm not being lazy on my birthday feel symbolic.

One thing I've been telling myself is that I'm god's strongest soldier. Obviously that's not actually true, but motivationally it helps. It's one of those things that there's no harm in believing in the moment, and it brings me joy. Speaking of another thing that brings me joy, Lily and I agreed to go climbing sometime soon. She's willing to come down from SF for me, and seems genuinely interested in hanging out with me. I need to keep my mindset that I'm just trying to be there for her, though it seems I overestimated how depressed she was. Well, better safe than sorry.

I visited Yan a couple weeks ago along with Gerald. It was a spur of the moment thing, and the flight was expensive as a result. I honestly felt a little pressured into going. We did a lot of activities involving physical exertion and also hung out with his church buddies a lot. Yan is super into the culture there it seems. His lifestyle as a chad in NC honestly bothered me a little bit. He has more pride and ego than I remember and also some strong ideals about what it means to be a man, which I don't really agree with. I may be making judgments too hastily but I was disappointed at his treatment of Jeremy, a dude in his small group who seemed a little autistic. I wasn't able to express this to him. At the same time I'm glad he's obviously doing well for himself out there. According to society, I probably have no authority to judge someone who's found a lifestyle that works for them.

My next step should almost certainly be to make my sleep schedule really consistent. I'd like to sleep at 1-2am every day. The deadline for working on the game is fast approaching. I have less than 4 months left, and I've told too many people about the new york deadline. Sigh... I certainly have some mental block about coding. When I open the IDE my mood instantly sinks. I had the strange idea of treating coding like working out, doing reps of opening the IDE lmao.

Wow I thought this post would be short because I didn't feel like I had much to write about but here we are. I went to Ralph's wedding last weekend. It made me realize I've made a mistake, choosing the jolly group over Ralph's group. I just respect Ralph's close circle so much more these days than the people in jolly. They are more considerate and more secure, and jolly isn't even dank anymore. At the end of the day jolly has now devolved into a bunch of individuals who are either troubled or successful but unkind people. Obviously this is a bit of a generalization. Maybe I wasn't good enough to join Ralph's group anyways, or maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. I might as well try though, since jolly in the south bay is pretty much dead.

Finally there's the issue of getting more involved with Austin's church. Unfortunately my experiences visiting Yan have turned me off even more from Christianity, but I really haven't given Austin's church a fair chance. The demographics are obviously very different so maybe it'll be a better fit, though so far my instinct tells me it's only a small chance. It'll give me something to do I guess.

[0thsense]

7/11/2023 pt 2

Random thought I had while reading about internal monologue, I can read with Lumi if I read with her voice instead of mine.

Also to not forget, some people can't picture things in their heads.

[0thsense]

7/11/2023

Wow it's been a while hasn't it? I guess I've been doing okay. Gym is going great honestly. I deadlifted 300 pounds and my shoulders are looking great. My trainer is away for a month which is annoying but oh well. I started running, I've gone two times so far and we will see how it continues. Dave the diver is fun. Started up stardew with Lily and Holly because Lily is/was going through a tough time, and Alex joined us. It's honestly not that fun but I feel sort of obligated to keep playing. In the past I think I would've found a solution or method for how to behave during our sessions to fulfill the goals of keeping Lily's mental up and also having fun. I learned that Alex had a bit of a crush on Lily and that definitely colors the experience a bit. Honestly over various points in my life I've thought about what it'd be like to be in a relationship with Lily. I don't think it would work out, and at this age in our lives I can't do that to her. Honestly I wouldn't feel good about Lily and Alex being together either, for Lily's sake.

I've been thinking a bit about how people in jolly have developed. In particular Ned who wanted to be a teacher and now has decided he just wants to retire early. He mentioned when he visited that it's okay to believe in what you want to if things are unclear, such as when it comes to nature vs nurture. He also alluded to not believing in christianity because then he would be obligated to give a lot of his money away basically. I used to think that people in jolly were less selfish than average, but it's probably not the case. If anything they are more selfish I think. It's left me a little disillusioned. I do think there's nothing wrong with being selfish, and it's the natural way most people live. But I wish more of my close friends were gripped with desire to do more beyond just secure the wellbeing of themselves and their loved ones. Of course by my actions I am a complete hypocrite here. I have done nothing for a world and for all I know I will just be a leech the rest of my life.

That last sentence was definitely my self hate coming up involuntarily. The latest theory in me-town for why I can't do work is that when I try, it triggers all of my self hate that I can suppress or distract myself from when I'm doing other things, even going to the gym. Confronting it is difficult. I don't remember if I've talked about this before but I'm also beset with feelings that I'm just not built well for our current society, which further makes me think that I will make nothing of myself, or that it's not even possible. Unlike Ned who believes strongly in free will, I believe strongly in determinism. I think that much of your personality lies in your genetics. I'd like to know what societal roles my ancestors filled during the hunter gatherer days, and find the analogue in current society if it still exists. You know how some successful people talk about finding what they were meant for? From a genetics perspective, because our society has changed so rapidly, many people have nothing they are built for today.

I'm thinking about trying to write a short story, but I'm not sure where to start writing. The initial setup for these things is always unbelievably annoying. I read on the chatgpt nsfw subreddit about erotica authors relying on spending enormous effort prompting chatgpt to write for them, and I can't help but wonder why they became authors in the first place. I wonder if they feel empty, or if they actually just feel perfectly fine. I think that the emptiness that bag-securing dispassionate people are accused of might actually just be projection from people who feel empty/would feel empty from not achieving "loftier" goals. But I wonder what's the source of the difference. I remember asking Martin about his goals a while ago, and he didn't really have any. I really wonder what's the difference.

[0thsense]

6/5/2023

I finished Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow. I definitely enjoyed reading it, though the characters were not super relatable. I'm trying to think of interesting insights I had reading the book because I feel self-conscious about writing a vapid review. I was not very convinced by Sadie and Sam's relationship towards the end. This unshakeable unbreakable bond they supposedly had and all the symbolism surrounding it was over the top for me, especially the part about them getting married in Pioneers. The beginning of the book was very compelling, with the jumps between the present and Sam and Sadie's complicated backstory. I'm not sure what to think about Marx as a character. As much as Sam and Sadie referred to him as an NPC, I also felt that he was an NPC in the role he played in the book. Some people like a book based on how much they like the characters. If I ever write a book, I want to write a main character who is purposely unlikeable. Anyways for how large of a role Marx plays in the novel, I'm not sure what the author wanted to communicate through his character. Clearly something with all the treatment she gave him but I guess I missed it. I enjoyed the parts about making video games though. I thought the details of the games were very convincing, and I'm impressed by the author's imagination for game design. And overall, it was an enjoyable read that kept me turning the pages. I also thought that the author's treatment of smart people in general was apt and accurate, and I appreciated that it didn't lean in too heavily in that aspect either.

Houseboating... I've been telling people it was just okay, and I guess that's accurate. If you gave me prior knowledge of how it would be, I'm not sure if I would go again. But I'm not positive that I wouldn't either. so I guess it was ok. I tried a little bit to meet people but I was too fucking tired most of the time. I kind of regret not talking to Winny on the first night. It's so dumb that I still just revert to omg hot asian girl on trip I need to talk to her mindset. So maybe it's a good thing I didn't initiate a conversation then, and just kept reading tomorrowx3 lmao. I drove and slept in a shitty bed anyways, but I don't feel too miffed about it, its truly whatever. In the words of George, "fuck you tommy". I appreciated when Catherine was nice to me I guess. Honestly I think I'm being a little uncharitable to 69 circle. I think they were nice for the most part and some of them helped and almost all of the rest wouldn't have minded helping. And Tom seemed like overall a really nice guy. I think having two boats just made it so it was way harder to get to know everyone, and with that large of a group people just stuck to who they were comfortable with. Also didn't help that Kevin and Sammy didn't really want to get to know people either. Meeting new people is hard compared to people who've been practicing their whole life.

Finally.. Oyasumi Punpun. This manga hit me kind of hard. I was hoping to relate more to the main character, but honestly I couldn't because things kept happening to punpun, good and bad, to push the storyline forwards while nothing happens in my life. Nevertheless, the themes of wanting to hold onto some ideal while your life turns out nothing like you wanted seemed very real. All the hurt characters just struggling and compromising through life, was a message that I wish people who had happy lives would understand. I didn't really understand punpun's actions after he killed Aiko's mom. I guess it's because i've never murdered someone or been in a similar situation of panic and disorientation. I wonder if the author somehow had insight into that. I really liked how the ending fizzled out. I think it's the best ending punpun could have hoped for. I feel like the author's view of life is darker than mine. I feel like I weigh everything down these days by forcing it to my standards of realism. I wonder how to regain that childlike suspension of disbelief with media. Did I ever really have that?

I have to message Abby about reading tomorrowx3 but I don't really want to. It's gonna be a boring superficial conversation between two people who don't really want to talk to each other. That's what it feels like to me. what if I don't really want to talk to anyone? that attitude is what's gonna get me killed.

[0thsense]

5/30/2023

Go ahead, put anything. okay tumblr. I want to develop my life. I want to upgrade myself. The path to physical upgrade is so clear.. go to the gym, do cardio, etc. The path to other upgrades? not so clear. Should I flesh out my frameworks of living? do I just choose one even though I'm not sure of anything? I have no direction in life. I want to create something beautiful. If I create one beautiful thing.. well I can't make any promises. to myself. I wonder if everybody feels about their soul in the same way. Does everyone feel that they have something uniquely pure and beautiful to offer to the world. It's probably all a delusion, but thinking that way feels like my soul will just die. I'm just rambling about things that make no sense. Everybody has different definitions for these things so communicating about them is really hard. I guess the human brain is hardwired to think in terms of cause and effect, which makes us ask "why am i here". but for that we can't find a meaningful answer, so we have to decide on an answer, and that's really hard. I sometimes think I should just decide on something just to try it out, but for these things you can't just "try it out", it'll never work unless you fully believe in it. Is that something that other people have done that I'm missing? that leap of faith to just believe in some purpose? I guess from a religious perspective maybe but what about non-religious people? I guess there's less pressure to answer this question if you naturally life effectively in society anyways, since you don't need the additional motivation. I always feel like I need additional information to answer this question and I don't have the drive to gather this additional information. Gathering this additional information means trying really hard at things for like a year.

I also feel like I'm not maturing because my life experience does not give me new insights. I could try to read books and ponder on them, but I feel like that results in incorrect and shallow conclusions, even if the books are good. Did I mature from playing omori? I probably felt the strongest emotions from playing Omori in my whole life the last 2-3 years. Maybe I forgot something, which feels increasingly common.

Due to the earth's rejection of my autistic self and my waning self-confidence, im trying to be a normie. I suck at socially interacting in a normie way. I miss when I could just say whatever was on my mind and people respected me enough to take me seriously. I feel like there's a ball of thoughts in my head that only make full sense in context of the entire ball, and it's impossible to write that whole ball so it's impossible to communicate this whole ball. That makes me scared to share any one part of this ball.

I finished reading The Road, and im reading oyasumi punpun right now. I want to write something on the things I read which affect me so I never forget. I should write something about Omori now, as my memory of it continues to wane. I'm so scared of doing all these things like reading, etc. and just not making any progress towards anything. One main purpose of reading is I want to be exposed to different views and ways of thinking, and I can't tell if thats happening. I recognized value in The Handmaid's Tale but I probably got like 5% of what the author was trying to put across. And I never wrote my thoughts on it. I guess I should do that too. I think I'm pretty initially dismissive these days. I try to lump lines of thinking into things I've thought of before, and by and large most of the time I find a way to lump a new thing into something thats close. This makes me lose those crucial insights that lie in the difference between what I already know and the new thing. My brain automatically does this through years of practice. I need to be more vigilant in carefully considering everything with no biases and no assumption that I already know what it is.

I think my dad was a lucky genetic freak in our family tree. I'm reverting to the expected outcome of my gene pool. My cousins are doing okay but not that well. Compared to other smart people, who have much stronger family lineups. The more research is done, the more people realize how hereditary most things are. I am a weird concoction, and so are most people. And we will never fully know the wonders of each others' mixes. I'm thinking it's likely that I'm part of the last human generation, mostly because of AI. I am deathly scared and think about what an AI singularity scenario will look like, but it's hard to predict. There will be nowhere to run, we will just be ants. Hopefully we will be useful to our new overlords. Maybe they will care about us and treat us humanely. Humanely is such a weird term, treating non-humans humanely is a good thing right!

I had something else I wanted to write. Oh yea pretending to be happy is hard. And it's a vicious cycle. I'm less valuable in every way if I present as unhappy. Sorry everyone.

[0thsense]

5/27/2023

Welp it's been about a month since I've returned from Korea. I've decided (for now) to not follow a consistent format for these posts and just write however I feel like for that day. For today I just wanna snapshot how im feeling. Yesterday I went on a hike with Carter and Martin which was nice since I havent talked to Carter in a while. He might move away soon and so might Martin, which makes me sad. I've thought about it for a while but I need to make new friends if both of them leave. I guess I should build up the willpower to go to church with Austin. I also saw James recently, maybe I can be closer with him.. but he will always have a different core group of friends.

What really triggered me to write a blog today was the fact that at this point in my life any attempt to derive self-worth from any external or even *internal factors is unstable/failing. by internal I mean things like my own capabilities or value props to society. Clearly from an outside perspective my value is in question, being unemployed for like 2.5 years now. From an internal perspective I also feel worthless a lot of the time because of my inability to work towards any of the goals I set for myself. So where then can I derive any sense of self-worth? I think it's not viable to live life thinking that I'm worthless. So I guess I have to try to believe that I and by extension everyone has innate self worth, regardless of their value to anyone else. Sounds suspiciously close to christianity lol. so yea I just have to believe it. My current desperate line of reasoning for it is that everybody has a story and everybody's story is beautiful. The implication of this is that you have to even believe people like serial killers are not exempt from having this innate value. I remember reading about Albert Fish and his quote "I don't even know why I'm here". Obviously an extreme example but the world isn't built for everyone. Some people are a good fit for today's society and others like me struggle some more. It is an easy way of thinking to judge people's worth in the context of today's society, and for many people thinking like that is perfectly functional. Probably they look down at least subconsciously at copers like me and just think we are weak for not being able to succeed in the current world parameters. For me it just brings sadness, and I'd rather think that everyone's human story is beautiful.

I remember that I used to derive self-worth just by knowing that I'm smart. taking IQ tests was therapeutic seeing the high number affirm myself. more and more though as I realized IQ is only one of a long string of coefficients in the formula of your productive worth, and as I realized some of my other coefficients are sorely lacking, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to change them, this store of self-worth eroded. wow that sentence was terribly constructed but it is what it is.

Not related but I want to clarify that my self-worth idea is one step further than the surface level online advice, which is to not base your self-worth on what others think of you. The normal idea is that you should have a stable idea of your own self, for example let's say you believe that you are good-looking, then if someone insults you and says you're ugly you will not be too affected by it. But what if your stable idea of your own self is both accurate and also not very worthy. For an extreme example what if you know that you're an ugly stupid mean person who brings no value to society? Then you must believe in the innate value that all humans have, and believe that you are worth just as much as anybody else in this sense. Otherwise how can you live a viable life?

I guess for some quick updates I still go to the gym though I need to go more regularly, and I'm trying my best to do things like going out on hikes, etc. I'm not as depressed as I was earlier this year though it's still tough sometimes. I tell myself I will move if nothing changes in a year, and that really scares me. I'm deathly scared of moving and just failing at a normal job. Then I'll feel like all my doors are truly closed. Pray for me if that happens. Writing this wasn't as therapeutic as I thought it would be. I wonder why. Maybe this reflection of myself is too dull. I am struggling deeply to really believe in my own self-worth. If I can't do this step then it feels doomed. I will have to try to find self-worth in the conventional fashion which I've been failing at for so long.

[0thsense]

3/29/2023

It's been 4 days since I arrived in Korea. Yesterday, my family and I got hit by a car while we were crossing the street in front of Seoul University, my dad's alma mater. We were standing roughly in a line with my mom to the far left, my sister immediately left to me, and my dad to my right. The car hit us to the left. My mom's shoulder is fractured, and she has to spend at least 2 more weeks in the hospital and can't use her arm for at least 2 weeks afterwards. After that she needs rehab for half a year, and also eventually needs to remove the bolts introduced by the surgery. My sister hit her head and suffered a linear skull fracture. I thank God if he exists that the doctor said today that her condition has improved, and she will likely make a full recovery other than the initial concussion. I was so scared for her. Right when we got hit, I initially checked if my mom was okay because she was most obviously in pain, clutching her arm with a tight grimace. Obviously she wasn't okay, but even a complex shoulder fracture injury will heal with time, and her life wasn't in danger. But then I noticed my sister had wandered off to the side and was clutching the side of her head. When I asked her how she was doing, I remember the look of fear on her face as she said "I think I hit my head." I asked her if she thought she had received a concussion, and only later did I realize what an understatement of a question that was. They still don't know if her hearing will completely heal. My sister is a fantastic young woman who deserves her whole uninjured life ahead of her. Even though the doctor said that her condition improved today, I'm still pretty worried. I tried looking up as much medical literature as I could but I was armed with just my phone and all the detailed literature is paywalled. If something ends up happening.. I don't know what I will do. truly.

I guess since this is my diary, I must record my own thoughts to maintain the point. I've had a day to collect my thoughts, and while that's not enough, especially with updates continuing to come in, they are way more organized than they were yesterday. One thing is that I am not angry, even though the driver just plowed through us while we were standing still on the crosswalk. The driver was clearly a normal lady who just happened to not be paying attention that time. She got out and was clearly shaken, and awkwardly offered apologies, as what else can you do in that situation. Me and my dad awkwardly acknowledged her without explicitly accepting the apology after my mom and sister were taken to the ER. There's no actual villain here, as I know for a fact I've been just as careless while driving. Obviously I'm not proud of that fact, but most people are not always attentive while driving, even if they try to be. If anything, I'm more angry now than I was yesterday at the time of the accident, as when I think of my mom and sister I can feel a dim primal rage glow inside me. But when I think of the driver's face, during my introspective moments, I don't feel hate or anger. I guess some people would feel that I should be angry, and more people would feel guilty if they didn't feel angry in my situation. I personally don't think I should be angry at the driver. Sometimes there is no justifiable target for your justified rage. I want to comfort my sister and make sure she isn't bored, but I don't really know how to. I've never really made small talk with my sister over text, and my attempt at relating to her by reading A Handmaid's Tale has come across in my opinion as blithe and shallow. It makes me feel I'm tarnishing my reputation as her brother, but I don't regret trying. But I should have tried a little harder. And a little deeper, I wish I had taken more of the brunt of the crash than my mom and sister. If you've read any of my earlier posts at all, the reason should be obvious.

On a smaller and much less important note, I decided today that I will never initiate contact with Sally. I knew Sally from church growing up, and had a crush on her, and this became basically well known enough to basically be a meme. I don't think Sally had any feelings for me, so obviously this meme was uncomfortable for her. But I did nothing to stop it and helped perpetuate it instead, since for me the meme was my fantasy. Sally is also a family friend, so there are occasional times where an intersection can occur, for example I was considering asking her for recommendations on what to do in Korea. But after thinking more about it, I basically harassed her for middle/high school, and that's just based on memory. I'm sure if you ask her, she will have a more detailed account of how I made her uncomfortable. I don't want to offer any excuses. It is not my place to seek closure for what I did, only hers. I can only hoped that I've learned something and will never treat someone like that again.