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fernshawart · 2 years

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How to write a cane user character

(Written by a cane user)

A few months ago, I wrote a small guide on good disabled characters and why they were good that gathered quite the attention, and I thought that doing another more specific guide this time would be interesting for writers or just people that are curious ! This guide will include general informations, some things to do, some things to avoid and some ideas that might revolve cane users's lives.

Things to know about cane users

Cane users are pretty diverse, and putting us in little boxes usually isn't the best idea if you want to make a character that has substance and isn't just "the disabled one". Here some infos about cane users that might be helpful knowledge !

Canes don't have ages. Most cane users in media are portrayed to be old, but truly, anyone can have the need to wield a cane ! I've been using mine ever since I was 17.

Can users can have a large variety of problems for their canes. Some canes are used to avoid pain from effort. Some canes are used for balance purposes. Some canes are to make walking less exhausting (works the same as walking sticks !) And sometimes, it's multiple problems at once.

Not everyone needs their cane 24/7. Some always need it, some can make small efforts without it but overall often need it, and some people, like me, can spend quite a lot of time without it. I almost never use my cane in my house, and mostly take it outside !

People with canes can run. We're not necessarily slow, I'm even faster than a lot of my friends.

Not using a cane can come with consequences, but not always. Some people might be able to walk without a cane but then suffer horrible consequences, but for others, canes are just a commodity for specific occasions.

Canes don't have to be looked down upon. Look at some characters with canes that look cool as hell ! Arsène Lupin, Roguefort Cookie, Brook ... Their canes serve their style !

We can be pretty healthy. Some people can have canes just because they were born with a bent leg and that's it. Our cane doesn't define our health status.

Canes aren't a curse. Think of them as something positive. It's a tool to make our lives better. You don't see someone sitting on a chair and think "awh, it's sad that they need a chair". It's more something like "hey it's cool that this chair is here so they can sit down"

Things to do

Make them use their cane. And when I mean use, I mean that canes are just funky long sticks usually made out of metal. Have fun with it ! Let them use it as a weapon ! Trust me, one hit in the knees with a cane and you're DOWN. Use it to reach stuff that's too high for everyone ! Have fun. Be creative.

Let them decorate their cane. It's an extension of their body ! You usually put on clothes that you like, don't you ? It's the same for a cane. If they like cutesy stuff, let them paint in it pastel colors ! If they like a more flashy style, add some stickers on it ! If they're a fancy person, give them a beautiful crafted cane with jewels on it !

You can make them a little shy or uneasy about their cane. Some people don't feel worthy of confident enough to wield one. It's not rare to see people think they're "not disabled enough to do so"

But on the other hand, you can do the complete opposite !! Make them proud of that cane ! Make them act like they're feeling pretty and more confident with it ! One thing i like to think about with my own cane is that I look like a cool gentleman. That boosted my confidence immensely.

Things to avoid

Don't make it their whole world. And by that, I do not mean that their cane shouldn't be a defining trait of their personality. Think of Toph from ATLA. She is blind, and you usually can't think of her character without describing her as blind. However, that isn't her entire personality trait. Make cane users have a goal in life, friends who enjoy them for who they are and not just pity them, have fun ... Don't just make them the disabled one.

Don't try to make the character's life just a plain disaster unless it's the focus of your story and you really know what you're talking about. Having a character who's always in pain, who feels bad about relying on their cane and/or who's angry at the entire world for being disabled is a REALLY tricky subject to use if you don't want them to be either a mass of unhappiness and angst for no good reason or some inspirational porn of the character who inside is deeply tortured but outside keeps up a facade because they shouldn't cry to avoid making others uneasy.

Do not, and I repeat, do NOT try to heal them, especially in a magical way. Bad idea. A lot of disabled people's goal isn't to be healed. It's to live a normal life. Making it so the ultimate goal for them is to be healed makes it as if they were worthless as long as they were disabled. Making their situation better physically or mentally is one thing. Curing them completely is really bad. "But some disabled folks want to be cured !" True, true. But if you are able bodied, I'm not sure if you can have the right mind to understand all of the complex details about this situation that leads to someone's life choices and the end result may look like you think the only thing that can make disabled people happy is being freed from their condition. I think it's best to just avoid it altogether. If you need a more nuanced idea, try to give them a solution that still has a few downs ! For exemple, a prosthetic that feels like a real arm, acts like a real arm and basically replaces it perfectly is a full cure. But a prosthetic that takes time to adjust to, needs repairs sometimes and doesn't look 100% like an arm can be a better narrative choice

Smaller thing, but don't make the handle uneasy to wield if you draw the character design. You can decorate most of the cane, but if you have chunky spiky decorations on the place you're supposed to clench your hand over, you're gonna hurt yourself. I've seen quite a lot of jewel handles or sculpted metal handles and usually their not good. If it's detailed metal, your hand will end up cramped in little parts and it can hurt. If it's a jewel, it's so easy for it to slip out of your hand it's unpractical.

List of tropes/ideas of scenes/details about canes to help you write new situations !

If you walk with a cane during winter, you can't put your hand in your jacket to get warm and there's a high chance your hand will get freezing. So after a long walk, you get an excuse for another character to hold their hand and warm them up.

If the handle is metallic, you get the opposite problem during summer. You can burn yourself so easy ! Easy accident if you want someone to help and get closer to the disabled person without it necessarily involving their disability.

Canes are SUPER useful when you're walking upon heights. They make things really easy, just like hiking poles on mountains ! I live on volcanoes and whenever we clim on a harsh slope, I'm always the first to get up there. Good moment for your character to get a boost of confidence if they get all the way up somewhere before their friends !

The first time using your cane feels magical. If you have chronic pains, it makes you feel like your pain disapear. If you can't walk right, it feels like everything is suddenly alright. The moment where a character chooses to wield a cane can be huge for character development. It's a moment of fear because of the impact a cane has on their appearance, but also a moment of confidence and relief.

Canes fall. All the time. And after a while, it becomes fucking comical. Trust me, putting a cane against the wall, seeing it fall and doing it three times again in a row while it doesn't want to stay up makes you embarrassed but also makes you want to laugh because of how stupid it looks.

When you get a cane, you stop being invisible. When you walk outside, generally speaking, people don't look at you. They don't care about you. But when you get a cane, people start to stare at you for no other reasons that you have a cane. Half of them are just curious, especially if you're young. The other half has a very specific look. The "oh, you poor thing" look. Which is, trust me, particularly awful to get, especially when you're just existing and doing nothing special. How does your character react to this ? How do they feel about it ?

I believe that is all I had in mind. I may add some more details in the future if I get other ideas, but this should already be a good start. I would be thrilled to answer questions if you have some, either in my askbox or through DMs.

I will tag this post with characters holding canes that aren't necessarily considered cane users but that some people may be interested in writing as such. Feel free to tell me if you'd like to see tags being added !

Edit : I'm highly encouraging everyone to look at the tag section under this post where a lot of other can users are sharing their experiences !!

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ashwhowrites · 4 months

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Can you please write Older! Eddie x reader, where Eddie presents Reader with Wayne or his friends but they don't trust in reader, but then she proves them wrong, and they're like, she's good for Eddie or something like that? (Maybe Wayne will be more interesting to me personally bc he's Eddie's uncle, but I can completely see the Hellfire Club and Wayne all being like, we don't trust her!)

-🩷

I had most of this written in the beginning of the month but couldn't find the motivation to write the perfect ending. But! I just finished it and hopefully it's an ending that made the story worth it. Thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy it 🫶🏻

Young girls and trust don't mix

Eddie was in his 40s and struggled to find anyone. He'd been single for years and never found out what falling in love was. He slept around and never had an empty bed, but there wasn't a spark or anything. He was a rockstar and his life was on the road. He prepared to never be tied down.

It was a shock to everyone when Eddie released to the world that he had a girlfriend, and more of a shock when they learned she was in her twenties. The headlines went crazy and girls were filled with envy. The most wanted bachelor was now off the roaster. And when Wayne heard the news, he was immediately concerned.

He wanted Eddie to find a nice girl and have a family. A young girl? Wayne didn't believe she was going to lead him into a marriage. She was too young for that and Wayne feared she was around for the fame and fun.

~~~

"Wayne, I don't want to talk about this again!" Eddie groaned, he sat on the small couch in his tour bus. Y/N's head rested on his lap as she skimmed through a magazine.

"Eddie, I'm just telling you! Dating a girl that young doesn't seem logical. Look into the future, like five years, do you think she'll still be around?"

"Yes," Eddie said without missing a beat.

"Edward, you met her after your show, right? She's a fan and you know how dangerous and manipulative a fangirl can be." Wayne warned. A conversation both men had over and over. Yet, none of it changed Eddie's mind.

"Night Wayne." Eddie sighed and hung up. He took a deep breath to calm his anger and chucked the phone across the bus.

"Still doesn't like me, huh?" Y/N said as she skimmed the magazine, but her eyes looked up to meet his.

She couldn't lie, it pained her that the most important person in Eddie's life didn't have positive thoughts about her. She understood Wayne's worries and she wished she found a way to prove him wrong. She knew she was young, but there wasn't a doubt in her mind that she'd walk down the aisle to Eddie. She wanted his hand in hers forever.

"I just don't get it! I've been with you for almost a year and he still fights me on it. He thinks you are a groupie since you go to all the shows with me."

"I know, babe," Y/N sighed, she sat up and cuddled into his lap. "but! He hasn't met me yet. Your last show is in Hawkins, then we'll have a few months for me to win him over. He might need to meet me to trust me. All he has is tabloids, of course, he's skeptical."

"But why isn't my word good enough?" Eddie groaned, his face in her neck as he breathed in her sweet scent.

"Because only idiots fall in love." She teased as she poked his side. "He just thinks you blinded, love."

"I'm going to make him love you. Just like I do." Eddie promised.

"Maybe not like you do is a good idea." She joked.

"Haha." Eddie faked a laugh as he nibbled at her neck. She giggled and squirmed.

Y/N vowed to make Wayne accept her.

~~~

After a few more days of sold-out shows and arguments over the phone with Wayne, Eddie's show in Hawkins arrived. Eddie was extra nervous about the show since Wayne would be there and Y/N was supposed to be meeting him. Eddie wasn't sure what he'd do if Wayne didn't change his mind about her. He didn't want to break up but he didn't want to live with the pit in his stomach of the two most important people in his life not getting along.

Y/N was focusing on Eddie's eyes as she applied the black eyeliner when Wayne was escorted into the dressing room.

"There the big rockstar!" Wayne joked, Y/N stepped back to allow Eddie to stand up and embrace the older man in a tight hug. She smiled at the moment as both refused to let go first. Y/N knew how important it was for Eddie to have Wayne here. To see him perform after years and years of not making it. Tonight was the first night Wayne would see Eddie as the rockstar he finally was.

Wayne pulled back with a smile, his eyes never looked to the right to see Y/N.

"I can't wait to see ya perform!" Wayne said the anxiety in Eddie's stomach tightened.

"This is the biggest crowd of the tour. I think I might barf." Eddie admitted. He was terrified. He hated coming back to Hawkins, to a town where he was nothing but scum. The rest of the world loved him, but what if home still didn't? What if he went out there and everyone hated him?

"Baby, you will do amazing," Y/N reassured him, her words caused their heads to turn. Both Wayne and Eddie looked at her with two different expressions. Eddie, who looked grateful and soft. Wayne, looked like he wished she didn't speak.

"Wayne, this is my girlfriend, Y/N." Eddie proudly said as he wrapped his arm around her waist. She smiled and held out her hand, Wayne stepped forward and shook it.

"Pleasure to meet you, Sir." She said as their hands released each other.

"Right, so Eddie! Where will I be sitting?"

"Next to my girl," Eddie said with a big smile

Y/N walked silently with Wayne as they were escorted into the front row of the stadium. People screaming as she passed through. She waved and smiled, being as polite as she could. Wayne tried to not roll his eyes as she soaked in the fame. Another thing Wayne was always telling Eddie about.

"So we'll sit and he gets about half an hour to do his vocal exercises then he'll be out," Y/N said, sitting down in the small chair. She tried to ignore how awkward the air felt. She took a minute to look at the crowd, and it truly was the biggest crowd she'd ever seen.

She and Wayne sat in silence as they waited for Eddie to come on. But Y/N couldn't help but notice the clock struck 8, and Eddie still wasn't on the stage. She tried not to worry and figured the stage management was running behind.

She stood up when Eddie's manager came rushing towards her.

"Y/N? Eddie is asking for you." Eddie's manager said as he whispered into her ear, she nodded and turned to Wayne. "I'll be right back!" And raced after his manager. Wayne didn't think twice about standing up and following behind her.

Eddie was panicking. He made the mistake of looking at the crowd, and now he couldn't feel his legs. He sat on the floor, hurdled up, and ate at his fingernails.

"Eds?" He heard Y/N call from outside the door, and she softly knocked. She waited a second before she opened the door, her heart cracked seeing a nervous Eddie huddled on the floor.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she sat on the floor. Eddie didn't speak but moved to be in her arms. It was like their bodies communicated as Eddie began to relax.

"It's okay to be nervous, but trust me, they will love you. They are your fans and here to support you." She encouraged them as she rubbed his hand.

"What if I'm not good enough to be something good in this town," Eddie confessed. He was too ashamed to look up at her and to see Wayne.

"Nonsense. You were always something good. They never learned who you were, because if they did, they'd love you. They'd see how sweet, creative, and funny you are. But this is their chance to treat you the way you always deserved. Go show them what they missed out on."

Wayne watched as Eddie jumped up with a new confidence, the atmosphere of the room lifting as he threw his guitar over his shoulder. He felt ashamed of the way he acted, it was easy to tell Y/N was the best thing that ever happened to Eddie. In a shitty town that only gave him hell and a family that was filled with betrayal. He still managed to find someone to bring his spirits up.

Maybe she deserved more credit than Wayne thought.

Wayne watched as Eddie performed his life. And he couldn't help but embrace the energetic energy Y/N brought. She sang every song, knew every lyric, and danced perfectly to every beat. It was clear that she had every part of his songs memorized. He also noticed how much Eddie looked back to her, his eyes landed on her every few minutes. Then a small smile appeared before his eyes moved on.

There was something really special about the relationship Wayne was seeing, and he knew he accepted it right then and there.

~~~

After the show, Wayne apologized for his actions and words. But Y/N didn't hold it against him. She understood where he came from and was happy to have changed his mind.

Eddie was grateful Wayne gave her the chance because the sight of them getting along was the best thing Eddie got to experience.

Tags!

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#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #eddie munson fanfic #eddie stranger things #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson request #eddie munson angst #eddie munson fluff x reader #eddie munson angst x reader #eddie munson fluff #older eddie munson #older eddie munson x female reader #older eddie munson x reader #older rockstar Eddie munson x reader #rockstar eddie munson angst #rockstar! eddie x reader #ashwhowrites

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poohsources · 7 months

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🐝 * ― 𝑯𝑬𝑨𝑻𝑯𝑬𝑹𝑺: 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑴𝑼𝑺𝑰𝑪𝑨𝑳 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺.

❛ if we changed back then, we could change again. ❜ ❛ what can i say? i'm a sucker for happy endings. ❜ ❛ i'm sorry, are you talking to me? ❜ ❛ i would give anything to be like that. ❜ ❛ are we gonna have a problem? ❜ ❛ you've come so far, why now are you pulling on my dick? ❜ ❛ time for you to prove you're not a loser anymore. ❜ ❛ you can join the team or you can bitch and moan. ❜ ❛ mr. no-name kid, say who might you be? ❜ ❛ it's fine if you don't agree, but i would fight for you if you would fight for me. ❜ ❛ happiness comes when everything numbs. ❜ ❛ does your mommy know you eat all this crap? ❜ ❛ i learned to cook pasta, i learned to pay rent; i learned the world doesn't owe you a cent. ❜ ❛ you heard it man, it's time to rage! ❜ ❛ so wait, it's lime, then salt, then shot? ❜ ❛ you're doing it wrong! ❜ ❛ really? 'cause i feel great. ❜ ❛ dreams are coming true when people laugh but not at you! ❜ ❛ i didn't need your help. ❜ ❛ i can't believe you actually came. ❜ ❛ why d'you gotta be so weird all the time? people wouldn't hate you so much if you acted normal. ❜ ❛ thirty hours to live - how shall i spend them? ❜ ❛ sorry, but i really had to wake you. ❜ ❛ let's go you know the drill; i'm hot and pissed and on the pill. ❜ ❛ you say you're numb inside but i can't agree. ❜ ❛ how'd you find my address? ❜ ❛ no sleep tonight for you, better chug that mountain dew. ❜ ❛ no one sees the me inside of me. ❜ ❛ keep going. this has to be good enough to fool the cops. ❜ ❛ i never knew about her pain. ❜ ❛ don't talk mean like that. ❜ ❛ what did they do to you that you hate them so? ❜ ❛ you are the only thing that's right about this broken world. ❜ ❛ they'll die because we say they must. ❜ ❛ what the fuck have you done?! ❜ ❛ let's be normal. see bad movies, sneak a beer, and watch tv. ❜ ❛ don't you want a life with me? ❜ ❛ if you could let me in, i could be good with you. ❜ ❛ so what's it gonna be? i wanna be with you. ❜ ❛ but your love's too good to lose. ❜ ❛ you're the one i choose. ❜ ❛ there's nowhere to hide if i say the wrong thing. ❜ ❛ but i believe any dream worth having is a dream that should not have to end. ❜ ❛ no, you wouldn't understand! ❜ ❛ try me! i've experienced everything you're going through right now. ❜ ❛ you don't know what my world looks like! ❜ ❛ they made you blind, messed up your mind but i can set you free. ❜ ❛ i was meant to be yours! ❜ ❛ don't give up on me now. ❜ ❛ i can't make this alone! finish what we've begun. ❜ ❛ i am all that you need. ❜ ❛ please don't leave me alone. you were all i could trust, i can't do this alone. ❜ ❛ no one here deserves to die except for me and the monster i created. ❜ ❛ i wish we met before they convinced you life is war. ❜ ❛ i wish you'd come with me ... ❜ ❛ i am damaged, far too damaged, but you're not beyond repair. ❜ ❛ hope you'll miss me, wish you'd kiss me. ❜ ❛ i'd be honored if you'd let me be your friend. ❜

#rp meme #rp memes #rp prompts #roleplay meme #sentence starters #musical starters #musical sentence starters #rph #requested.

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luthienne · 1 year

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any poetry or words to make me feel like i haven't overall failed in life? i've had two really awful days, full with different hard crises and tears. now I feel like i can't go back to a point where life seems full and hopeful again. my heart is permanently broken.

you haven't failed at life, beloved. certainly not permanently. right now it feels like nothing can or will ever be ok again—that doesn't mean it's true. but it feels that way. so let yourself grieve. genuinely cry as much as you need to. and even if you can't let yourself hope yet, leave some room for the possibility. right now you're deep in the thick of this heartbreak but you don't have to see what's outside of it to get there. all you have to do is take it one step at a time. one day at a time, one minute, one second if you need to. but things will get better. your life will be full again, you'll have hope again. i believe that. your heart is a precious and limitlessly expansive thing <3

this may sarton passage has always stayed w me:

it goes hand in hand w this james baldwin quote:

and this lamperti excerpt on failure:

& this ursula k. le guin commencement address:

“And when you fail, and are defeated and in pain, and in the dark, then I hope you will remember that that darkness is your country, where you live, where no wars are fought and no wars are won, but where the future is. Our roots are in the dark; the earth is our country. Why did we look up for blessing – instead of around, and down? What hope we have lies there. Not in the sky full of orbiting spy-eyes and weaponry, but in the earth we have looked down upon. Not from above, but from below. Not in the light that blinds, but in the dark that nourishes, where human beings grow human souls.”

that must be paired w this maggie smith quote:

“We talk so much of light, please let me speak on behalf of the good dark. Let us talk more of how dark the beginning of a day is.”

& this louise glück poem:

#ask #anon #holding your hand in my hand & holding you in my heart 💗#🫂🫂🫂

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calirph · 1 month

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𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒, 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒, 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐔𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄.

All sentences are taken from different sources and area blend of questions, angst, affirmations and reassurance, heartbreak, the past, the future and self assurance. Change names, pronouns, locations and more as you see fit.

If I keep loving you, maybe you'll eventually crack and love me too.

I'm pretty sure you're already half in love with me.

I don't think you're evil.

See? Things are already looking promising.

Are these things really better than the things I already have?

Was it all in my head?

You’re even more painful to look at than she is.

I'm hoping he can save me, even though I realize he can't.

You were the only one I saw when I closed my eyes.

Then why wasn't I enough when they were open?

I wonder how you say goodbye to someone forever?

Are you seriously in this much self-denial, Sydney? Like do you actually believe yourself when you say you don’t feel anything?

Physical attraction isn’t the same as love. You of all people should know that.

Is that what bothers you? My past?

You destroy me and then you kiss me. You give me a reason to hate you and then you give me a reason to love you.

Two lifetimes, they belong to you. No regrets.

You're not nothing to me. That's precisely the problem.

Are you so stupid you don't know what I'm going to do to you?

Are you so stupid you haven't figured out yet that it doesn't matter?

When it comes to love, Princess, rules blur, and traditions fade.

I just wanted…

Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I'm blind. Tell me you love me.

Yes. I remember.

They got him. The Hallows got him.

You’re kidding? No one expects decorum from me.

...But how is there glory in taking a life? We die so easily.

You'll really start to hate me.

Tell me who did this, and I will take care of it. Anyone who thought they could lay a hand on you should fear for their life.

I can't tell whose the bigger monster. Him. Or Me.

You do have a tender heart. It almost makes me want to spare you, just so I don’t have to watch it break.

In the parallel lines to the roads of life, I'm glad ours intersected twice.

Sometimes I feel like you've given up. It's like you just accept this as your fate.

This, us, it can’t happen. It can't happen, Avery. I've seen the way Jameson looks at you.

At least I do not deny my own heart.

You’re not living to live—you’re living for death.

I will have you without armour, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.

I want him to hurt. To bleed. I want him to snap, just like he snapped me.

If you really don't want me- no other excuses, just me- just tell me right now, and I'll leave and we'll be done.

Otherwise, start getting used to the fucking fact that you can't protect me from everything. And I'm not made of glass.

This house bleeds memories.

I don’t need your permission.

Your hands will touch me and no one else, Meadow. That is final.

My grief wasn’t deep or poetic. It was sinister in its simplicity.

He is in love with you.

Why won't anyone take me...when someone decides to go I will always be left behind.

You don't believe me or my words, do you?

I never said you didn't have a heart. But it would be nice if it beat every now and then.

You loved me.

I think you know in your heart that you’re meant for something extraordinary.

What does your heart tell you you’re meant for?

Somebody's got to win this war, right?

I am faithless. I have done unforgivable things. And I am broken.

You are a soldier. A fighter. And now you must fight. Not for the emperor, not for France . . . but for yourself.

You are my first choice. You're my only choice.

I always say the wrong things.

Why I acted the way I did…Why I was so pissed off. It will never make any sense to you because I don’t know how to explain.

You can't live your life based on 'what-ifs,' Liv.

You weren't listening to me.

That's an interesting way to get my attention.

I’m not the enemy. I’m not the kind of guy who would try to hurt you more when I know you’re already hurting, but I’m someone willing to hear you and understand you.

We cannot win if we fight among ourselves.

I’ve always wanted to be liked. It grieved me that I was treated with indifference.

A united front announcing a split.

#meme #roleplay memes #sentence meme #( cali meme. )#rp memes #rp prompt #rp musings #roleplay prompt #angst meme #◟ ⋆ memes › roleplay sources.

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atlasscrumpit · 1 month

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Bucky Barnes x Reader

Don't Be So Blind

(dealing with sexism and SA)

You came back from a press meeting and sat on the couch, placing your head on your hands.

"Doll, it's okay. These things don't always go to plan. I get hate all the time." He said as you groaned and looked at him.

"You get hate because you killed people, I get hate because I was born with a fucking vagina. I am so sick of this." You grumbled as Bucky sat beside you.

"You don't get it... I know you would always do your best to understand it, but you can't understand what I have to go through. With Nat it's different you know? Well for starters she doesn't have a period cause she has no uterus but she's pretty and sexy so no one bothers her. But, me... I'm not like that so people always have something to say about it." You muttered as Bucky gently rubbed your back.

"I think I get four days a month where I'm okay, and that is it. It's always ovulation, or periods or bloating, pain, bleeding, moods, hormones... There is so much I have to fucking deal with. Yet, I still do all the same training and missions as all of you guys. Everything is so much fucking harder for women, and what do we get? Hate and sexism. Sometimes I don't blame Wanda for going evil." You muttered as Bucky looked at you in shock.

"Y/N, don't say stuff like that." He said as you chuckled dryly.

"Can you fucking blame her? You killed so many people! And you got let off with a fucking slap on the wrist. Wanda controlled a few people and they wanted to burn her at the fucking stake!" You shouted as you stood up and began to pace.

"Buck, I get it, okay? You've been through hell, with Hydra and everything. You were hated because of something you did, but I am hated because I was born. I just need to fucking get this out because I am so sick of it!" You shouted, grabbing a vase and throwing it a wall.

"The constant comments from people, fucking kills me." You grumbled, sitting back down.

"You just need to not listen to it." He said as you laughed and shook your head.

"Buck, I've been fucking try to not listen since I was three years old. The first time someone fucking sexualised me." You replied, harshly.

"I get that it's hard, Y/N. But, it's hard for all of us. I mean, Peggy rose through the ranks and she never had episodes like this." He said as you slowly turned to face him.

"Because she would've been fucking fired, or killed, or fucking raped if she spoke up. Sometimes I forget when you were fucking born." You growl standing up before Bucky grabbed your wrist.

"You know I've been sexually abused too? It's not just women." He said before you slapped him hard across the face.

"Shut the fuck up! Oh my god, Bucky. I fucking know okay? And I am here for you one hundred percent, but the only time you bring up your assault is to fucking silence me! The only time you bring it up is when I talk about sexism. I'm sick of it, just leave me alone before I fucking stab you." You growled storming away and getting in the elevator.

Steve entered and looked at Bucky.

"I heard some of that..." Steve muttered as Bucky kicked the coffee table in anger.

"She's fucking infuriating!" Bucky said before he sat down.

Steve sighed and sat across from him.

"Bucky, Y/N sat down, upset and tried to explain how she felt and you basically invalidated her and told her she shouldn't be upset. How is that supposed to be good for her?" Steve asked as Bucky looked at him, still seething.

"Women were never like this, back in the day. They were fine, happy even." Bucky said making Steve groan and rub his head.

"Bucky... You need to take off the rose coloured glasses. The time we lived in was horrible. I saw first hand what Peggy went through. The countless abuses and assaults. I saw what my mother went through. Buck, they didn't have a choice and if they dared speak up their entire life was ruined. When Y/N talks about this stuff she isn't blaming you for being a man, she is asking for understanding and maybe some protection." Steve explained as Bucky sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"Have I really been that blind?" Bucky muttered as Steve chuckled softly.

"Yeah, Buck. You've been very blind to all of this. We all get paid from Shield to keep up this superhero work, Y/N and Natasha were getting a lot less then all of us. And they still do from shield, but Tony uses his own money to close that gap. Did you know Natasha tried to make super hero suits specifically designed for women's bodies and shield said no? Do you even see what happens at these press meetings? Did you see the man grope Y/N? Did you hear the man who called her a slut?" He asked as Bucky looked at him in confusion.

"What...? Did that happen?" He asked making Steve sigh and shake his head.

"Yes, Bucky it happens all the time. The public barely accepts Sam as a superhero because he isn't white. There is a lot of work to do and you need to help." Steve said as Bucky nodded a little.

"Fucking hell... I've been such a dumbass." He grumbled before he got up to chase after you.

He found you up on the roof crying, you turned around and shook your head.

"Just fucking leave me alone." You muttered through your tears as Bucky gently hugged you.

"Fuck, I am so sorry Y/N. Steve spoke to me and I saw it from another perspective. I haven't even noticed the stuff you go through, I'm such an idiot." He whispered as you slowly cuddled into him.

"I've been really fucking blind, doll. And I am so sorry. I'm kind of glad I was blind at the meeting today otherwise I would've killed every man in there." He joked as you laughed softly.

"I want to learn about all of this. I'll do my best to understand it all, okay?" He said as you nodded a little.

"I just want you on my side." You whispered in response as he kissed your forehead.

"I'll always be on your side, I just need to do a better job."

#Mcu #Marvel #Avengers #Sexism #Feminism #Bucky Barnes #Bucky x Reader #Bucky Barnes x Reader #Steve Rogers #Steve Rogers is a feminist

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aldryrththerainbowheart · 3 months

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Another BG3 companions appreciation post, this time after the tiefling party. (Updated ver.)

When I say I love all the companions what I mean is I love all their traits, even the negative ones.

I love Gale who flexed big words and magical knowledge and his connections to Mystra since day one. Call me crazy but without knowing the background I AM impressed by his achievements and knowledge. Of course, his ambition led him too close to the sun, and like the fabled Icarus, he fell. But he's trying to make amends. He's completely surrended to the idea of finding an empty lonely spot for himself and dying alone in excruciating pain and filled with regret. Not even once did it cross his mind that Tav or others would want to continue journeying with him after he confesses about the orb. The moment he told me about his cat I stared at the screen in disbelief because I knew I'm suck his di-

I love Lae'zel who could've killed me right away on the Nautiloid but instead shared all the information with me, helped me fight my way through, tolerated everyone else, and from what I've seen from others Githyanki is actually really nice. She never lets Shadowheart's sneers get to her, offers Gale to teach him to fight, and answers all questions Wyll asks her about her culture. I was genuinely surprised when she not only complied when I ordered her around during the interrogation of Zorru or the confrontation of the Githyanki patrol but also thanked me for stepping in. Her honest, no-nonsense attitude is so refreshing in the story where everyone has secrets and you always know only half of the information if any at all. Everyone in the camp is hiding something from Tav except her. Say what you want but with Lae'zel, what you see is what you get and I really, really like that.

I love Shadowheart because she tries to be a bad guy but that just isn't her. Despite her church's teachings and her secretive and prickly attitude. At the end of the day, she's just a lonely, scared, and lost young woman who was put on a dangerous mission and is expected to deal with it alone. I don't know much about her yet but it's clear from her talks about Sune and various scriptures I found in the game about Dark Justiciars and clerics of Shar... and in all those stories, when they finally got the recognition of their goddess or they've completed their task, all that awaited them was emptiness... That's no way to live for Shadowheart. I can see the small glimpses, just like in Lae'zel, of desire, curiosity and so much want. She was forced to live in a place that forbade any individuality or anything except blind obedience. To just be a pawn for the big guy. But both she and Lae'zel could be so much more than that. Drinking up everything the world has to offer. I really wish that for them.

I love Wyll because...it's Wyll?!? I cannot stress enough how much I am fond of characters that are just good, kind, and selfless. I never get tired of heroic characters who honestly are in it just for helping people. Wyll was living a life of leisure and could be the prodigal son for the rest of his life. Instead, he picked up his sword, donned his stupid superhero name, and went on saving lives. He even went as far as making a deal with the devil just so he could be the hero of the people, not because he enjoyed the fame but because of his ever-present need for charity. He doesn't let anything, not even the tadpole or Mizora get in his way. He could've been one of those Martyrs who blindly follow the black-and-white definition of good and bad, killing Karlach right away. But he spared her, even if all it gained him was punishment. There's something so pure about him in the way he just wants to believe. I'm pretty sure he saw his fair share of fucked up shit while adventuring but he still wants to uphold these ideals of heroism. The boyish chuckle when I insisted that I wanted to dance with him... I'm not smiling like an idiot you do!

I love Astarion not for being the seductive vampire fantasy I thought him to be, but for the absolute chaos gremlin menace he truly is. He's the orange cat, the possum screaming at you from a garbage can, the raccoon hugging a chewed piece of moldy bread. His snark is impeccable, and his over-the-top mannerisms never fail to make me grin like a maniac. I'm strictly good-aligned but I watch him run around causing Situations and I'm like "Yes, you do that sweetheart. You deserve it." There are already many long detailed posts that describe shit he's been through so I'll only say this. I never pitied him or felt sorry for him. I admire him. Sure his path to recovery is nothing short of a mess. He hasn't had much chance at a good ending. But he took every fight kicking and screaming, not willing to give up and he has my respect for that. Because sometimes hope comes in the form of spite and anger. I love watching him rediscover himself at all points in life. I love Astarion the way he is (little shit) while simultaneously believing he can get better, and if that's wrong I don't wanna be right.

Ugh. I'll edit this later and other companions, I'm too tired now.

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27paperlilies · 10 months

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It's currently 4:33am and today is my 23rd birthday.

I have no plans for today, and that's okay. It's expected. I wont lie and say I'm filled with joy and excitement for this day, because I'm feeling fairly indifferent (or at least I'm trying to).

I'm not where I thought I would be at 23 years old. When I was still living at home, a few years ago, I imagined this would be a time of happiness, freedom and personal fulfillment. But sadly its not. There's been sprinkles of happiness, but the dark clouds have been so overwhelming, it's been hard to see even a glimer of joy sometimes. I've been walking blind through a storm. A storm that I had a hand in creating.

A few days after my 19th birthday I walked into a citizens advice bureau and applied for homelessness. My mother had received a notice of eviction from our family home. She was no where to be found most days leading up to this, and when she was home she was sleeping off her days of gallivanting like a child with her friends. Nothing would snap her out of this cycle, pleading and begging only drove her out the door faster. So with little options left, I applied for help. I gained a house to live in for my younger brother and I. But I lost my mother. I haven't spoken to her since I left. Sometimes I think I see her in the street, I'll catch a glimpse of curly brown hair in a bun and stop. But I'm never sure if it is her, or just a shadow. It's impossible to think about her for long without my heart cracking open, I miss her, I love her, I worry for her. but I know my brother must come first. But the truth is, I have know idea what I'm doing. I didn't know what would happen that day when I left, I just knew I was desperate.

So today I'm not celebrating, I didn't celebrate my 19th or any other birthdays after. Poverty and guilt will do that. My hope is that today I wont feel too lonely. Or guilty. I hope my brother doesn't feel bad that he cant get me anything (all I need is to know he will one day have what he needs and wants). Today I hope my mother where ever she may be, isn't hurting and is healthy. I hope she isnt being eaten by any feelings. I know she wont want to think about my brother or I today, I imagine it's too painful. So I hope she doesn't. She may have left for at little while, but I left completely. And I will always be sorry for it.

Its now 5:05 am and I've spent too long on this already, too long on memories and feelings I'm not ready to feel. I hope this birthday marks the start of freedom, happiness and personal fulfillment. But most of all, I hope my brother this time next year, is in a place in his life that he can be proud of, a place of abundance. I hope I can give him that.

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thelikesoffinn · 2 years

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Billy Hargrove was not irredeemable.

This boy needed help. He needed someone to show him that life was not just pain and suffering, that there was more once you break through years of abuse.

And I'm not talking as a sappy fan here, but as a licensed social worker.

Without a doubt, this bitch would have been my favourite client. He already IS my favourite client.

Now, would it be hard to work with him?

Fuck yeah.

He would Rebel against anything I say, he would try to intimidate me and keep me far away, he would most definitely be rude as fuck and make fun of most things that leave my mouth. And he would flip his shit hard whenever I touch any subject he doesn't want to talk about.

On bad days, days where he was beaten and abused again, he would be an absolute menace. He would probably throw chairs and tables around, start fist fights with the other kids in my group and just be a proper pain in my arse.

So yes, Billy hargrove would be difficult. Especially in the beginning.

But that's what abused kids do.

They want you to stay the fuck away from them. Because all they know is pain. They've been hurt so much, that they can't believe it's not normal. That not every one is out to hurt them. Because people don't care for them. They don't care about them.

Social workers are "in it for the money" anyway. They don't give a shit, much less about them. Much less about kids like Billy.

Good things don't happen to them.

Good people don't just stumble into their lives.

Because nothing good ever does.

But you know what kids like Billy also do? What I've seen so many times at my job, working with troubled youths?

I've seen kids like Billy Hargrove beam at compliments. At genuine compliments, compliments that aren't used to get them to do something. They dead arse break a grin so wide it blinds you, despite not wanting to.

I've seen them get glassy eyes when you welcome them and tell them you're happy to see them around. Because they feel appreciated, like them being there is a good thing.

I've seen them slowly opening up, once they realise that I'm not going anywhere and that I, in fact, actually care about their well being.

I've seen them go all soft and huggy because they crave warmth and kindness. They crave what they never get at home.

I've seen kids have fun, fun that they've never been allowed to have at home. They are the older siblings, the only providers. They carry responsibilities the shouldn't have to carry at home. But with my colleagues and I, they don't. They can be themselves and have fun. Being silly, being young and being genuinely happy because they are allowed to be.

Just imagine Billy breaking an involuntary grin because you tell him how neat his camaro looks, all clean and shiny today.

Imagine him getting flustered when you tell him how nice it is to have him back with the group while you pass along some sweets or whatever.

Respect and responsibility? My arse. Everyone get the waterballoons, we'll have a fight. And we all know Billy would hold back at first, pretend it's stupid, before ambition hits and the kid tries to be the last dry one standing. he's laughing with the other kids, dripping wet by the end of it. And he enjoys it massively.

How he suddenly allows other people to pat his back, hug him or bump his hips. How he actually starts liking it, touch starved as the boy likely is.

Now imagine Billy Hargroves face once he realises that he doesn't have to scare people away because whatever his dad taught him was bullshit. That he really doesn't need to repeat any of the homophobic or racist slurs Neil threw around ever again because he doesn't believe them anyway.

So yes, Billy Hargrove was not irredeemable. He was not. He was a boy that needed work, definitely, but he was far FAR from being a lost cause.

Billy was just a poor eighteen year old boy that needed warmth and softness. That needed a chance to learn that people cared, truly cared, about him like no one in fucking Hawkins ever did. Not his father, not Susan, not Max.

Billy needed one person who understood him, cared for him and taught him that life was more than pain and suffering.

And its fucking bullshit that he never got to meet that person because killing him was easier.

No, he was not irredeemable and everyone who says he was just chooses the easy road. Because seeing and accepting layers is so much harder than saying he's a piece of shit, am I right?

#billy hargrove #stranger things #billy stranger things #billy needs a hug #billy needs help #get my boy a social worker #fuck neil hargrove #billy x platonic!reader #billy hargrove appreciation #justice for billy hargrove #billy x reader #last one is just for the attention #a penny for my thoughts #billy hargrove cuddles #we love our boy

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catt-leya · 1 year

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Ghost Of You Pt.2 || Rick Grimes

After the finale, which broke my heart and then slowly lovingly put it back together, I got the idea from a dear person to write a second part to the story 💗

Summary: After the accident on the bridge you see Rick as a ghost always by your side, until he suddenly disappears.

Trigger: heartbreak and tears

I have never talked about the fact that I see Rick, even though he has not been with us for some time, and not only in my dreams.

I see him as if he were flesh and blood standing in front of me and that even though I know it's not real.

That he can't be real.

I pretend I'm over him as best I can and live my life, but I can't do it without him by my side.

Even if he's not really there.

I'm also not blinded enough to not realize that it's not normal and if I talked about it, my friends would definitely worry about me.

That's why I don't say a word about it.

I know Rick saw his former wife over and over again after she died and it almost broke him.

But it doesn't always hurt to see him. I put up with the pain to have at least a part of him and be happy at times.

It is like that again now.

I am helping Michonne set up traps that we have placed at some intervals throughout the forest to catch small animals.

All the while, I feel Rick's presence at my back, and instead of it making me nervous, I just get calmer.

Quietly, I hear him say, "Tighten the loop, honey."

With him, I can be better. With him, I'm stronger.

I force myself not to look up at him and answer, because I know Michonne is working on the next trap not far from me and could hear me. So I just mumble a low "Hmmm" and do as Rick advised.

I tighten the loop and smile fleetingly at Rick.

Every day he wears the same thing.

Every single day I see him exactly as I saw him last time on the bridge, before he blew it up, and with that bridge, himself.

I swallow the lump forming in my throat and straighten up.

I quickly scan my surroundings for walkers and Michonne as well.

But the it seems clear, so I whisper softly, "I'll be glad when we get home."

Grinning, Rick crosses his arms in front of his chest, "Oh yeah, and why is that?"

He looms over me, yet I feel nothing but affection. Rick has always been the man I've wanted my whole life. When it was necessary to protect me, he would have done anything to keep me safe and when we have had a bad day, he has always been the person to take me in his arms and whisper that he loves me and that I am not alone.

Tears unintentionally well up in my eyes and immediately Rick's smile fades.

His strong arms fall powerlessly to his sides and he takes a step towards me, "Do you want me to leave?"

I quickly shake my head and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, "No, no. Please stay. I just needed to think of something. It's all right."

Gently, Rick takes my hands in his and squeezes lightly, "Dance with me."

Surprised, I blink away the remaining tears, "What? Here?"

A light breeze blows over us and I could swear I can even smell Rick.

I could swear I smell the soap he used to wash with.

Frozen, I stand there and he gently pulls me to his chest, "Why not?"

His voice is raspy and his closeness makes me feel at home.

Still, I pause for a moment.

I think of the first time I was just like this in his arms and say muffled, "Remember when you taught me how to dance? How you put me on your feet because I was always stepping on you anyway?"

My heart grows heavy and I don't know why today is another one of those rare days when I suffer beyond measure because Rick isn't really with me.

Rick puts his hands on my hips and then says softly, "I remember that. You felt so right in my arms. I knew that day that I would never leave you and I would always love you."

I bite my bottom lip hard to keep from crying again and bury my face in his chest.

His steady heartbeat calms my own heart and when he says softly, "Let's make this a new memory," I let him lift me without resistance.

He places me on his feet and carefully takes a few steps.

With my eyes closed, I let him guide me, forcing myself not to think about how he looked at me from the bridge months ago.

How he never took his eyes off me and I couldn't reach him.

It wasn't until he pointed at the dynamite that he looked away from me, and when the bridge broke into pieces, my heart broke too.

I don't even realize I'm starting to shake until Rick gently strokes my back, "Shhhh, honey. I'm right here."

I have a "No you're not" on the tip of my tongue when I hear Michonne say, "Is everything okay?"

I frantically tear myself away from Rick and wipe my face again before turning to Michonne, "Yeah yeah, everything's fine. It's nothing."

Her gaze is so soft that I buckle and want to tell her everything.

Everything that's on my mind.

I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to just have the ghost of Rick.

I open my mouth to tell her everything. From the moment I first saw Rick after the bridge.

But I don't even manage to get a single word past my lips, that's when we hear it.

The rotor blades of a helicopter coming closer.

Michonne reacts faster than I do and grabs my hand to pull me from the small field where we were standing deeper into the forest.

Panicked, I turn to Rick as I run, but he has disappeared and that irritates me even more than that helicopter.

Never before has he just disappeared like that.

He's always with me unless I ask him to give me some time.

But now it's like he was never there, like the brief dance we had never happened.

I try to fight Michonne's grip, but she keeps pulling on me, "We have to get out of here."

I stumble after her and can already see the river she's heading for.

I know there are some rocks on the shore that Michonne will navigate us safely to, and I give up trying to fight her.

Indifferent, I let her drag me back and forth between trees and bushes until she stops as if rooted to the spot.

I react much too late and run into her from behind.

To intercept herself she takes a big step forward and I land on my butt.

The wet ground is anything but pleasant and I moan softly, "What's wrong? Why are you stopping?"

She stands still and I slide a little to the side to see what she sees.

All along the shore are walkers half buried in the sand and belongings, from people who didn't make it.

And standing in the middle of this expanse is Rick.

Surprised, I raise my eyebrows because he looks different than he has every single day for the past few months, but I'm just glad that he obviously didn't just disappear after all.

What bothers me more about this than the fact that his hair is longer again and he looks like he's been wallowing in mud, is the fact that Michonne seems to be staring at him as well.

Rick is also just looking at us, and even though there may be only 10 feet separating us, he makes no move to come over to me like he usually does.

He just stands there staring at us as if he can't believe he sees us.

I pick myself up off the sand and look briefly at Michonne, whose jaw is drooping.

I can't believe the question forming in my head myself, but I bring it hoarsely to my lips, "You see him too, don't you?"

Delayed, she nods, "Yes."

It feels like my heart is going to jump out of my chest and I jerk my head back around to Rick, who still hasn't moved an inch.

My head completely shuts off and I don't care if he's just a figment of my imagination, or maybe a guy who looks extremely similar to Rick.

I forget all caution and run towards him.

The wet sand makes me slower than usual and I almost fall several times.

Slipping, I throw myself into his arms and at the first touch he seems to wake up from his rigidity as well.

Tighter than usual, he wraps his arms around my body and I barely recognize his voice as he says harshly, "I found you."

Pure adrenaline pumps through my body as I clutch his face with both hands and pull him down to kiss him firmly on the lips.

It's like he's never been gone.

Like I didn't think he was dead for six months.

The kiss, is like coming home after a hard day of work.

Like he never left me.

I don't even try to stop the tears running down my cheeks and shuffle into the kiss, "It's really you, isn't it?' You're alive."

Gently, he pulls away from the kiss and looks at me with his blue eyes.

He takes in every detail of me and I do the same.

Despite all the dirt on his face, he is still the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life.

Every furrow in his face is perfect and the glow in his eyes is warmer than what I've seen in months.

I feel his heart hammering fiercely in his chest and his body begin to shake as I watch his lips form the words, "It's really me."

@hail-yourselves @bean-is-reading @chanlvr2 @criminalwalkingsupernatural @sunshinevirus @toxic-ink @kingtwhiddleston @bloodycherry22 @vane28282 @bamslover @acciocarlgrimes @revesephemeres @emo-potato-virgil @targaryensswp @tropodyn

(If anyone else would like to be tagged, just let me know 🤭)

#rick grimes #rick grimes fluff #rick grimes imagine #rick grimes x reader #rick grimes angst #twd x reader #twd #the walking dead

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misscammiedawn · 7 days

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I want to talk a little about Suicidality. More importantly, how to talk to those experiencing it.

This is a heavy topic, though. It's under a readmore.

Massive content warning for suicide discussion.

I am of the firm belief that we need to talk about this. Not talk around it or signal how bad it is as this will not enable people the space to discuss without judgment. It's a tough topic. I think about it ALL THE TIME and never talk about it. It just keeps the thoughts in my head. I want to speak. I don't need to be heard. I just want to speak.

When I get really bad and start relapsing I spiral hard. Sometimes that spiral will push me away from loved ones, sometimes it'll trigger a bout of picking at emotional wounds that have scabbed over but more often than not I seek sources of comfort that do not require other humans.

Sometimes I talk to therapy chatbots so I can spew my emotions out at someone who will not be burdened or remember it-- this is for when I know it's a temporary storm and I need present relief without permanent consequence.

Sometimes I look online for messages that can ground me. Those "reasons not to die" inspirational videos and I typically close them the moment they make broad and reaching assumptions.

"You're loved"

"You have so much to offer"

"You're important"

Because they do so much harm to me. I don't know if they do good things for other people but I am fully cognizant of the fact that these people are shooting empty platitudes into the air. Which means when people who do know me say these things, I cannot fully trust that they are not just saying the words that society have conditioned them to say to people in pain.

When someone says these lines are they offering perspective that my mentally ill irrationality has left me blind to or is it telling me what they think I want to hear?

Every time a perfect stranger who has never known my life or my heart tells me these things it makes those words and sentiments weaker.

I can't speak to any experience other than my own. But I am a contradiction. I've passively desired death continually since I was a teenager. I have lived more years with the desire to end myself than I have with the desire to live. Over half my life since a turning point that opened a door in me that can never be closed.

I'm not going anywhere. The Event also instilled in me a lifelong commitment that I will never do to others what was done to me. I refuse.

But it gives me a perspective that makes the struggle all the more painful to me.

I desire and detest the final exit.

So the guilt trip doesn't work either. I know how it makes people feel. I've lived that. The thought of doing it to another person makes me... feel like shit. Which just feeds that evil dragon that whispers dark secrets in my ear. The more I am guilted, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the weaker my resolve becomes.

So if you cannot positively or negatively influence a person with the potential of regrets and appeals to emotion. What can you do?

The obvious answer is listen.

That does help.

But I'd be a hypocrite if I took my worst impulse and fed it into a ELIZA chatbot and preached for other people to listen. Clearly I am denying those in my life the opportunity to do that for me, half because I know the pain of hearing someone talk about those topics and half because, as mentioned, I do not wish for permanent consequences to temporary emotions.

The other step is that I am desperate for someone to condone it.

If I could go back and have an honest to god conversation about things, with the people who instilled this hatred of suicide into me. I don't think I'd try to change things. I'd just want to hear why, understand it and say "I really wish you wouldn't, but I understand why you want to."

PhilosophyTube's episode on the topic has been sitting rent free in my head for years.

It's the simplist and most powerful phrase in the english language, I think: “I understand how you feel.” I've been up there. I've flown that mission. I fly it a hell of a lot. And you're not necessarily bad or broken inside just because they're sending you up. So you fly safe, Cosmonauts. - Abigail Thorn

I don't want to kill myself. I don't want anyone to kill themselves. But all of the talk, all of the activism, all of the push for suicide prevention. It focuses on stopping a person with a desperate desire to escape their circumstances, their pain, their existence and it asks them to not act on those desires.

There's no version of events where the desire itself is treated. Even when a person has no drive to follow-through, the desire doesn't truly go away. Decades of therapy, better life conditions and reasons to live haven't made it go away for me.

At my worst, I research it. Run the numbers. Live the fantasy. The information I got from ethical exit resources lives with me. I know exactly what to do, what to buy from Wal-Mart. On one hand I feel empowered by the fact that I have control in that I can do it and I choose not to. Some days that gives me comfort. Other days I curse 2020 Camden for researching that forbidden knowledge and burdening us with it here in the present.

A hard thing I had to do recently in trauma therapy was write down the full list of actions I'd take and send it to people I love so they could recognize the steps if I started to take them. That flooded us with shame. Also inspired some of the need to talk about it.

But still, I don't really regret poisoning myself with the knowledge of how to do it, even if it most certainly is a detriment to me.

Because "I understand" is just a sentence. "I've been there" is just a sentiment.

What gets me through. What helps me survive?

It's feeling like I have a choice and that when I'm hurting and desiring to scratch that itch, I can ask myself "do you want to go to Wal-Mart?" knowing full well I'll get that sharp and angry "NO!" in reply.

Because there's something else I learned in that "forbidden research".

One of the doctors who was involved in activism for Canada's MAiD laws (and was imprisoned for helping people attain The Final Exit) was on a podcast talking about their view on euthanasia and when they feel it is inhumane to let someone live. They spoke about the cruelty of keeping someone in suffering tethered to life for the comfort of the surviving family and noted that guilt was not a good motivator and would only cause further knee-jerk reactions and defensive behaviors.

So he told a good story about someone who he helped.

"Can you imagine having one more happy memory?"

The person at the end of their life spoke about the pain they were in, the way their mind was giving in on them, the sad faces surrounding them all of the time and the fact that all the memories of vibrance and life were being replaced by this slow downward spiral as the months dragged on. There were joys of seeing loved ones and there were comforts and conversations and then... dying became routine. Expected and inevitable and there were no more fresh and beautiful experiences to be found in the process of dying. Only pain.

When the patient knew without a doubt that they would never have another happy memory to enjoy before the end they said they were ready to go and no one around them could argue.

It was a bittersweet story but it stuck with me.

2001 was the first time we acted self-destructively. We have had spirals, even since hearing that story in 2020 (one even started us writing this post), but I considered hearing it while on the edge of the knife to be the moment I reaffirmed the knowledge I'd never do the deed.

2001-2020 our motivation was in pain. In knowing what it's like to get that call from the hospital. To have to be buzzed in to the mental ward to visit the shame-filled loved one who needs all of your love and understanding and you silently ask yourself "is it selfish for me to feel hurt? Who will even comfort me in this time?" to take responsibility and be strong when everything is falling apart...

I can't. I won't. Never. Never EVER.

That kept us safe for a long time. But it made the storms so hard to weather and it made that thought at the back of our head insist "we'll do it eventually"

In 2020, when we knew we were an hour's shopping trip away from the edge, that story gave us something to dream. "Hey, idiot, we're working so hard to transition. Why would we give up now?" and, yes, the process of transitioning damned near killed us... but it wouldn't always be hating ourselves and feeling like the journey was impossible. We could climb Mount Celeste. Just give it a year. A month. Another day.

Can you still imagine us happy?

If you can, then live another day. Just carry on. As long as you can imagine a world where you have one more happy memory it's worth the pain of today.

I don't know if this will strike everyone the same way it did me. But it helped. So much. In a world where all the creature comforts like concerts and cinemas were stripped and we spent weeks and weeks alone indoors going quietly crazy and growing terrified of a hostile world that was about to see an attempted insurrection in the near future, it was so easy to be consumed by darkness and give in completely...

And I think we've done okay. Fine enough. I doubt life will ever live up to what was hoped or imagined. Things will always be a struggle. Things will always be tense and hard. But there will always be moments. New happy memories. I owe the me of yesterday the smiles of today and I owe the me of tomorrow the ability to experience those smiles.

I don't need to be told I am loved, I am valuable, I am all the things that my illness refuses to let me believe.

I just need to know that I have experienced happiness in the past and it's not impossible for me to experience it again.

That'll keep me going.

#camden posting #watch me post my trauma in public #personal #cw: suicide #bpd

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wetcatspellcaster · 23 days

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Hello, dear writer, thank you for tearing my heart apart once again 😭

No, seriously, thank you. It was painful in all the best ways. I hope you know how beautiful it is when writing elicit so much feelings.

I want to smack Astarion for how he hurts Rose, but I understand where it all comes from, and it still makes me want to shake him and yell "don't you love her?!" because damn. That's so manipulative, and so in character. Every time I go through that part of the game Astarion makes me furious with the same words, while I know why he wants it so badly, it just... Yeah. You captured so well the devastation and helplessness of someone who loves him deeply and wants what is the best for him, while he is blinded by the bleak prospect of possible power that was absent in his un-life... It hurts so good. Like the words Rose said were very similar to my own thinking when Astarion brought it up in act 3, and that brought me so much deja vu I had to step away and breathe out of frustration and need to scream how dumb he truly is. I mean, I love you, stupid fanged elf, but my god you are stupid.

It's so devastating. And so unfair to poor Rosalie. I mean, yeah, there is some truth to Astarion's words, about her not knowing much hardship, but as once I've read - you don't need to live through things to know about them. At some point it felt like Astarion wanted Rose to live through the things he lived through, and just... Ugh. I hope he will see how fucked up this was. He already gets it, once the haze of his anger fades I see. I have tears in my eyes as I think just how hurtful those words must feel for Rose. It was so cruel, but so Astarion. Bite where it hurts, and keep tearing it apart before they hurt you? Yeah. I understand that, but condemn it.

It was such a good chapter. After so long of fluff, I knew there will be something that will hurt me, and I wasn't wrong. As much as I want them to be happy, I know there will be a long, long journey to get there for both of them. And I'm here for it. Thank you.

bonjour anon, thank you so much for such a lovely message!!

I've had a lot of fun with actually thinking about An Honest Lie going forward, and what I want to do with it, because obviously I wrote A Bleeding Heart first in Early Access, and I was really pleased with it at the time, but it also has a three-act structure where a conflict is resolved, and then I just... continue on into Full Access gameplay lmao. Where problems get worse.

So what I decided was that, A Bleeding Heart doesn't fix Astarion, but Rosalie thinks it has. This is why it doesn't occur to her that he would want to do the ritual. Like yes, she has that autism justice sensitivity in her, but she meant it when she said 'we've literally done this before at Ethel's'. Astarion has started doing nice things for her specifically, so she thinks the problem and his worldview is fixed. But of course, when that kind of belief is so deeply ingrained in a person, it isn't a 'one conversation and it's done' kinda deal. Also, being nice to your girlfriend isn't the same as being lawful good lmao (not that Astarion will ever be lawful good, that is not the aim of the fic).

So A Bleeding Heart was 'I think I fixed him' and An Honest Lie is, 'well now the real work begins, and it's not going to be as easy as one sexy argument in a field' lol.

And thank you!! I know there's a tendency in fandom to either make Astarion wilfully awful or never having done anything wrong in his life, but neither of those are for me. I think he's just well-mastered in knowing how to hurt someone, and it's a cultivated skill rather than a predilection, because he's been hurt a lot so that's all he's been taught. And I think someone being incessantly nice to him but also not being able to empathise with either the temptation of power or the darker thoughts he will inevitably have, would trigger his desire to bring her down to his level. Not because he actually wants Rosalie to suffer, or know what it's like to feel that way, but he just wants her to actually know him properly, and be able to understand.

#asks #anons #wip: an honest lie #glad you enjoyed the chapter anon!! :D

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ekacucumber · 7 months

Text

Ninjagotober 2023

by @alastair-1205

╔ ⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤ ╝❀╚ ⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤ ╗

❀ Prompt: Villain

❀ Main characters: Yumi(OC), Sensei Garmadon, Kai, Jay, Cole, Lloyd, Zane, Pixal

❀ Timeline: Between seasons 4 and 5

❀ Summary: Yumi decides to gift every person in Ninjago the eternal happiness... As the Dream Master, she gets her own definition.

❀ Word count: 1526

╚ ⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╔ ❀ ╗⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤ ╝

"You're doing very well, Yumi!" Garmadon's smile blinds her, but she doesn't mind, too happy to hear this compliment. "It's great you're getting more control of the Dream element."

"But, Master..." Yumi interrupts. "I'm still bothered by nightmares where you're gone, and I don't know what to do... They feel so real... And so painful..."

She sighs heavily. These nightmares have become her second life, and that hurts.

"Well, I think it's your last test from the Dream," Garmadon replies with kind smile. "You should choose which world you belong."

Yumi looks carefully at Sensei's face, and the feeling of hope lifts her spirit. If she has to fight nightmare, pain and suffering so everybody can live peacefully, free from sorrows and violence... She wiil do her best.

"So, what do you choose?"

"I choose eternal happiness."

*＊✿❀⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤❀✿＊*

Kai goes through the traning course, punching, kicking dummies and shooting them with fireballs. However, the last strike misses. He turns off the mechanism with a tired sigh.

"How's it going?" Yumi suddenly appears behind his back.

"AAAAH!" Kai screams and almost jumps away. "Ugh... You can't sneak and scare people like that!"

"Sorry." She smiles calmly. "So, how's your training?"

Kai looks at dummies and shrugs it off. "Eh, as usual..."

"But you look tired," Yumi notices.

"Maybe I've lost my fit a bit, but that's okay, I can deal with it." Girl stares at Kai, so intently that he starts to worry about it. "Um, what? Is something wrong with my hair?"

"No, I just think I can help you," she smiles again.

"You?" Kai raises his eyebrow in confusion. "I thought you didn't like combat training."

"Oh, I don't need to fight you. I've learnt a new technique to strengthen you," Yumi stretches out her hand. "Do you want to give it a try?"

"Hm... Sure, why not!" Kai gets kind of interested in her progress, so he gives a hand.

Yumi closes her eyes, and Kai feels how the energy fills his body. Weariness leaves him, he feels completely fresh and renewed. The Red Ninja makes a hit in the air and release a burst of fire, the strongest he's ever seen.

"Wow! What a feeling!" he laughs and destroys the annoying dummy on his way. "I've never felt so energetic!"

"Hey, can you be quiet?! I'm trying to-" Jay, who came out to complain, breaks off in mid-sentence, amazed. "Woah, that's so cool! How are you doing that?"

Yumi turns to him with the same calm smile.

"Do you want to try this technique of mine too?"

*＊✿❀⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤❀✿＊*

As Cole closes the fridge door and turns back, he almost drops his portion of snacks out of surprise.

"Hi, Cole," Yumi doesn't even move, smiling calmly.

"Oof, Yumi... How have you got here so quietly?"

"I've learnt some stealth recently."

"That's... That's good to hear," Cole smiles, however, he feels something weird. "Hey, I can't help but notice that you look better... I mean, you finally seem chill again as you were, well, before all the events."

Yumi remains silent and staring.

"... I'm sorry, did it sound bad?" Cole can't even read her expression. "I mean, I'm glad you're fine now. Not stressed or something like that."

"Thank you," Yumi replies. "I'm happy to hear it."

"Cool... Cool."

Cole grabs a snack and eats it, but doesn't get satisfaction.

"Something's wrong?" girl immediately asks.

"Eh, it's just not the same..." Cole sighs with frustration. "It's a hard time for Chen's Noodle House so their food is... So tasteless. Skylor promised to fix that, but for now I have to deal with-"

"Let me help you," Yumi interrupts and stretches out her hand closer to Cole's face. "My new ability will help you to feel the whole spectrum of tastes and even more."

"Uh, what? When have you learnt this trick?" Cole slightly moves away from her hand.

"That doesn't matter, friend. Kai and Jay have already tested it... And they're happy. Don't be afraid, let me help you."

"Okay... But only this time."

*＊✿❀⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤❀✿＊*

"Hey, Yumi, have you called me?" Lloyd enters the room and sees Yumi who leans on a sofa back. She looks at him with relaxed smile.

"I want to talk with you," she replies and makes a gesture to come closer. Lloyd makes a few steps and then notices Kai, Jay and Cole sleeping on the sofa.

"Huh... That's strange of them to sleep in the middle of the day," the Green Ninja notes.

"They've got tired of training so they're taking a nap now," Yumi slightly pats Cole's head. "Look, you know I had hard times... Everything was a mess..."

Lloyd looks carefully at Yumi as she talks. Something disturbs him, something surreal in details of her appearance. She let her hair down, though she always ties it up in two buns. There's no sign of bags under eyes, but it's too early for them to completely disappear. Her movements are very slow, and her eyes don't look at Lloyd... Yumi looks through him, right into his soul.

"But a miracle happened... I saw him."

"Who?.." Lloyd asks in confusion.

"Sensei Garmadon. Our mentor. Your father."

Yumi smiles, and an uncanny feeling strikes Lloyd.

"W-what?.. You must be joking, this is nonsense..." he mumbles.

"This is real, Lloyd!" Yumi sounds excited. "I meet your father in my dreams! My element has finally started to help me! And this way... Garmadon taught me how to control dreams!"

Lloyd sees a tone of craziness in her look.

"Look at our friends, Lloyd! They're happy thanks to Dream! Isn't it wonderful? These new abilities are amazing!"

Lloyd takes a step away, scared of Yumi.

"But you put them to sleep... How long have they been sleeping?!"

"An hour... Or two... Or five..." Yumi counts, getting closer to Lloyd. "But does it matter? They're happy! They're in the best world of all where all their dreams come true! And you can join them, you can finally see your father and never lose him again..."

"Yumi, that's not the way! You're crazy, come to your senses!"

"Oh, Lloyd..."

Yumi smiles and reaches for him. Lloyd tries to get away, but the Dream Master grabs his head and blinds him with her glowing pink eyes.

"I will help you reach the eternal happiness."

*＊✿❀⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤❀✿＊*

The Titanium Dragon flies above Ninjago City. Zane returns home from a mission. Looking down, he notices that city is... Dormant. The streets are covered in pink mist, and people are asleep on sidewalks, in cars, in their offices. Fortunately, there's no sight of car accidents.

"Pixal, can you analyze this fog?"

"I can't find any information in the database. But, I have to say, it seems to have the same structure as Yumi's elemental power. If I were you, I would hurry."

The dragon speeds up, and Zane gets home in a few minutes. Now it's clear for him that the source of fog is here. He walks through the rooms past the sleeping Nya, Master Wu, Misako... Everybody is asleep. Zane moves crosscurrent and finally reaches the source — Yumi. She floats in the lotus position, surrounded by sleeping ninja. As she pats Lloyd's head, her hand absorbs green sparkles of energy.

"You returned..." Yumi speaks slowly.

The Dream Master straightens her legs and floats closer. Zane gets an opportunity to look at her carefully, and her new appearance scares him. Yumi is wearing a dark-pink kimono with flower patterns, its sleeves and skirt slightly flatter. Yumi's hair float like in the water, and antlers made of cherry branches bloom on her head, filling the room with petals.

"What have you done?.." Zane asks quietly in disbelief. How have everything got out of hand so quickly?

"I... Sent them to a better world." Yumi smiles and looks right through Zane's heart with her eyes closed.

"You put them to sleep."

"The Dream Realm is the best home for these tired souls. It's always been."

"But they can't sleep forever. Yhey must wake up!" Zane insists, but Yumi just shrugs.

"You don't understand. You must join them and see. I will be your guide, Zane, you deserve joining the world of satisfaction..."

She reaches out to touch, but nindroid keeps the distance.

"I'm sorry to say it, but it's the wrong way, Yumi. Running from reality isn't a solution."

"The real world is cruel, violent and sorrowful. The Dream Realm gives them eternal happiness. There's nothing wrong, it's the only way to save Ninjago..."

"No!" Zane interrupts. "You can't choose for others. All you give them is the illusion of happiness, when they can experience real feelings in reality."

Yumi remains silent for a moment.

"You're being stubborn... You're afraid. If you can't believe me..." The Dream Master opens her eyes that turned pink. "Then I will show you the truth."

Yumi dashes to Zane and grabs him by shoulders. He struggles to free himself but fails. The Dream Master looks straight into his eyes.

"You're a nindroid, of course you think differently. But that's not a problem... You see dreams too. You're just like humans... And you deserve the eternal happiness too."

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juregim · 1 year

Text

my initial post about this got flagged as mature content because of the manga panels, you can see the illustrated version here.

question: sorry to bother but could u elaborate on denji almost becoming quanxi??

ok, so we must first think of how Fujimoto writes side characters. they are there to not only enhance the world and plot but also serve the narrative in a more symbolic way too. like the three immortal brothers aren't only there for absurd dark humour but also because we need a reminder that just because this world is seeped in death, life is still precious. also, Aldo's moment of realisation and begging for forgiveness was in connection to the theme that ignorance is bliss, as in when you close your eyes to the truth for too long, reality will hurt you.

in her very first appearance, she is basically living out what Denji believes to be his dream: having sex with beautiful women.

she is a hybrid, like Denji is, though we are not exactly clear on what her devil heart is (i think Arrow or Bow devils?), and she is incredibly strong.

regarding Quanxi herself, she is willfully ignorant, believing that to be the key to her happiness. in an exchange with Kishibe in chapter 61 she says: ‘The secret to leading a happy life in this world … is that ignorance is bliss.’ and that is the core principle of her character. we can see it even in the small moments before this exchange, like when she and her girls are in a sushi restaurant and Pingtsi tells her some facts about fish, and her mood is soured by it.

during the fight with the dolls, this is the advice she bestows on him: ‘if you understand it that way, you can kill them, can’t you? Ignorance is bliss.’ she is talking about forcefully forgetting that the dollified people are still alive and can feel pain. ignoring the truth so that his conscience don’t eat away at him.

and after the international assassins arc concludes, we can see him really living it, we have plenty of key moments where Denji acts out of wilful ignorance, avoiding reality wherever possible. it even seems to work out for him.

until it doesn't. and there is a choice before him: close his eyes and continue to live under the belief that Makima is his saviour or open than and face reality.

if he were to live life as Makima planned he would've become a blind tool whose only hope of finding happiness would be to adopt ignorance in the same way Quanxi has. tools know nothing except how to be used, and it doesn't ultimately matter if they change hands (like how Quanxi is on Makima's side through the Control Devil arc), as long as they serve their purpose.

there is, of course, A LOT more to be said about these themes of ignorance vs knowledge and the balance between them in Chainsaw Man but i think i've summed the connection between Quanxi's fate and Denji's possibilities well enough here.

#chainsaw man #chainsaw man meta #quanxi #denji #laila.txt

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cygninae · 4 months

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You said you like Stranger Things in one of your asks, who's your favourite character? Also which character do you personally most relate to and which character do you find the most interesting and/or complex (and please feel free to elaborate in great detail!)

Hello, thank you for the ask! This is such a hard question but I'll try to answer to the best of my ability.

If I had to choose, my favourite character is probably Nancy. I mean, she's just really cool. I love how she's evolved over the seasons and how it reflects on her physical character design (hair, costume, etc). I love how she interacts with the people around her because it is so interesting. For example, in the fight she has with Jonathan in S3, she is trying to show him the misogyny she's been facing and is getting extremely frustrated at him for not seeing it, but at the same time she is blind to the classism he's facing and his difficulties with his poverty. She didn't have ill intentions, she just felt so so strongly that she became sort of tunnel-visioned. I love her passion, how she sees everything around her with a need for justice, how everything is worth her time because she wants to know things. I LOVE that her career goal is a journalist because I could truly see her thriving in that when she finds a niche. I can't wait for her to leave Hawkins and go to university and find herself because she has this potential, this spark that makes her so unique from the other characters to me. Whenever she's on screen it's HER scene, you know.

Funnily enough, the character I would say I relate most to is Jonathan. Or kind of a mix between him and Nancy. He also has this immense passion, like Nancy, but his is like a precise volt of energy into his photography and he hides this passion beneath a dark exterior that he hopes will ward people off. I may be a terrible photographer, but I relate to the concentration of all of your fervency into this one part of life that gives you a sense of being needed. Jonathan needs to feel needed. We can see that in how he's falling off the rails in S4, because his brother doesn't really need him anymore - Will is growing up, Nancy is busy in a whole other state, El has Will and Joyce - and Jonathan is lost without being needed by these people, so he turns to weed for an escape because it stops him thinking. (BIG FUCKING RELATE).

I fucking love Jonathan. I need him to catch a break because he's been through so much. Anyway, I'm not sure what else I can say about him, because there is SO much. I could make another post about Jonathan if anyone would be interested - I could make it far more organised than this.

You also asked who I found most fascinating, but I suppose I've sort of covered that, so I'll just ramble on a bit about some pairings I like? (You invited this I'm afraid.)

As one may guess I absolutely love Jonathan and Nancy. I don't think their relationship is the healthiest but that doesn't stop me being obsessed with everything about their pairing and the aesthetic of it. I think daily about that scene of them lining up their scars. What they want through was unique to them and they found themselves in each other when the trauma made them feel alone. They wound themselves together because all of their pain was reflected in eachother - and while that's not a great reason to start dating, I truly think they fell in love with eachother as they did this, and I can't blame them for wanting to find the slightest bit of comfort after what they went through. I love how dark and twisted the reason for their love is. I love how softly they hold eachother despite it. I love how they talk about the other when they're not there, how despite all of the darkness in their lives, they're eachother's anchor to the real world. I love how their career goals line up, the journalist and the photojournalist, and I love how Nancy brings Jonathan's passion out of him and let's him show it in front of her without being afraid of being judged, and he let's her follow her dreams, her thirst for knowledge, even if it means him losing the one girl who makes his life worth living. He's willing to leave her life if it means she can live it fully.

Anyway, some other dynamics I like are Will and Mike - romantically, Lucas and Max - romantically and Will and El - sibling dynamic. I really do hope Mike and Will can get together in the final season, because I think it would draw the show to this really nice close. Yes, the freak can have his true love. He can be loved because he is a freak, he is different - they're both different, but with eachother they're Kings of the world. Society's expectations don't matter when they have eachother.

With Max and Lucas, they are just so sweet. Lucas might not fully understand Max's depression and grief, but he wants to understand it. Something about that complete devotion, even when Max isn't being herself, just pulls at my heart. I really want an unconditional love like that. Max might've thought that Lucas was changing, that he wouldn't care about her after becoming popular - but then he's there, when she's almost died because of Vecna, and he's telling her I'm here, i'm here, I'm here, and he's holding her so tight that she can feel that he won't let anything happen to her. They are just like... soulmates. Seriously. They fit together like puzzle pieces and they NEED eachother. I really, really hope Max is cognitive in S5 because I need her and Lucas to just talk to eachother and hold hands and be teenagers in love despite the world falling apart around them. Yeah.

Sorry if I didn't make much sense, once again i wrote this all with no structure and just spoke my mind so it may seem disjointed. Hope I answered your question though and made it a bearable enough read.

#asks #stranger things #jancy #byler #willel #lumax #jonathan byers #nancy wheeler

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