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twigg96 · 6 days

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Merle X Reader HC/Fic

Sooo... I might have a thing for the Dixon boys lol.... Here are some HCs for Merle. Next in this series will be either Negan or Rick <3

Merle didn't do relationships... he normally did flings. Hot, steamy, one night stands that meant nothing to either partner. That took no emotional effort at all on his part.

Merle didn't normally do emotions. Emotions were messy. Emotions got him hurt. His emotional bandwidth was taken up by family. Or what was left of it anyway...

But then he met you... when his normal coping mechanisms of harsh comedy and pulling away didn't work on you and you only drew closer to the crass man only wishing to know him further... Merle started to become intrigued with you and these new feelings bubbling up in him. Although he wouldn't dare label the emotions as anything more than curiosity. You would say you and Merle had become thick as thieves.

He brought you home to meet his brother. Something he often did with some of his long term flings but something was special about you. Something different. He hadn't fucked you... as a matter of fact he didn't really want to or feel a need to... he just wanted to keep you close. Watch you hang out with Daryl in their little trailer and watch a shitty movie with an arm around your shoulder... if you let him. It was a weird feeling that pissed him off slightly. He knew your body was fucking smoking hot. He knew he should be simply banging you silly in his room, listening to this movie in the background, before moving on with his life. Not dwelling on whatever the fuck this new feeling was. But as you laughed at the movie, handing the popcorn to Daryl and leaning into his own side more, sharing a joke Merle knew would soon become an inside joke between the two of you, treating the younger Dixon as an equal instead of a pest or a nuisance who didn't belong in his own home like so many of his partners had before... it peaked his interest to peer deeper into those unknown emotions he was experiencing.

Taking you out to go hunting was just one way Merle showed his... interest in you. It was his way of showing off his skills in the sport as well as teaching you vital skills he learned in his life. Skills he hoped you'd never have to use. Skills he could never know would end up saving not only your life but the lives of many in the future. Merle saved for weeks at his shitty dead end job (dealing wasn't always what it was cracked up to be) to pay for all three of your hunting licenses (just cause he lived life in the fast lane didn't mean he always felt the need to skirt the law... didn't help he used a fake ID to get the damned things though) and everything you'd need to go in the coming weeks. If there was anything he could pride himself in it was semi-legally bringing food to the table.

Inviting you over the night before he let you take his own bed and to the amazement of Daryl he took the couch. Merle had claimed it was so that when he got up to get ready he wouldn't wake you, but in the morning when he woke up at the ungodly hour before the sun rose to find you already awake, completely dressed and brewing coffee, Merle was damned tempted to call off the hunt to spend the day at home hunting you. But Daryl coming out of the bathroom with a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth and a tired far away look in his eye reminded him he had a duty to get meat for harsh winter ahead.

However Merle never had the patience to hunt normally... So he brought along entertainment and some accelerators that made the hunt go by faster and in his favor. Leading you through the woods the two of you walked silently saying a quick good luck to Daryl as he took off on his own. Merle knew his brother always did do better on his own and would probably out hunt you both, his proclivity to hunt from the break of dawn until the sunset baffled Merle. Settling you down in a small grove of oak trees Merle wrapped an arm around your waist pointing in the direction the deer would appear if he scouted right. The sun slowly rose into the sky turning it a deep red before it ascended into the sky. The cool fall morning never warmed above chilling and the eldest Dixon knew the deer were bedding down to keep warm. Pulling you to your feet Merle walked with you. He had bought cherry bombs from one of the dealers he associated himself with for a case such as this. Using a slingshot and a lit cigarette he shot them into the thick brush when he got bored. Laughing as they exploded spraying twigs and dirt into the air. He'd deal with the aftermath of Daryl's anger later when they got home... but for now he let the beaming smile on your face drive him. Handing the slingshot to you, he pointed to a different spot in the brush, lighting the bomb with the end of his cigarette. Thunk... BOOM. You both laughed as more dirt flew and several deer jumped from the brush. They each darted in several directions and before Merle could pull his gun up to take a good shot; a gun beside him went off. It was the first deer you ever bagged.

As time went on Merle started bringing you with him nearly everywhere. To the grocery store. To the gas station. But mostly to the bar. You didn't seem to drink that much. If you did drink it was only a few before you limited yourself. Merle never had that kind of restraint. He over indulged. He always did. He was loud, crass, and could be mean as a rattle snake when he drank. More so than normal. It seemed to only be exasperated when he was under the influence. But you never seemed to notice or care. Still connected to his hip all through the night. Laughing at his shitty jokes. Correcting his over crass behavior when he got too rowdy. Keeping him from getting himself killed by sneakily limiting his drinks through the night. Or simply diluting them with water or seltzer.

You truly were his angel.

When some guy with a death wish decided he wanted to try and force his way between you two. “Damn, girl. You got a nice ass.” The jackass growled shoving himself between you and the eldest Dixon. If you hadn’t given Merle a talk before you both left the house he might have killed the guy already. But you promised him you’d do your best to handle it and would flag him if you needed. So with all the strength Merle had in his his drunken body. He walked over to join his brother glaring holes into the back of the asshole’s skull who swayed drunkenly trying to whoo you off your feet. “Surprised you haven’t laid ‘im out yet.” Daryl drawled following Merle’s gaze, glaring daggers at the jackass. “Seen ya lay guys out fer less before.” He hummed taking a sip of the beer he’d been nursing through most of the night. Watching as you shook you head politely at the man’s advances, turning to the bar and drinking down your liquor uncomfortably Merle simply hummed. “Said I’d stay back this time. But if he lays a hand on her it’s fair game, little brother.” Merle growled shooting Daryl a look that spoke volumes. Merle watched as you moved your body further away from the man as he stepped a little closer keeping your arms tucked tight around your middle to keep from accidentally bumping into him. Merle watched as you shook your head again standing slowly and shaking your hand. But that’s when the asshole turned into enemy number one. The dick bag had the fucking gull. The sheer audacity to grab you by the wrist, shoving you into the bar, caging you there with his body. He stood over you stumbling only slightly as you shoved against him with all your strength. Merle didn’t have to say a word when Daryl sat his beer down, knowing exactly what was coming next following him willing across the country bar. Merle grabbed the bastard by the ear, dragging him out into the alley between the bar and the abandoned building beside it. Together he and Daryl made the fucker regret the day he was born.

The day the world fell into chaos Merle hadn't believed it at first. What a sick joke. Human beings returning from the dead. Human beings eating each other. The world falling apart. You had come over early in the morning before work. Cuddling up to Merle he somehow convinced you to stay home, call off. Even if he didn't believe the shit himself. He just had a... feeling. Now he was glad he had it. Daryl had been up on the mountain hunting. Watching as camera men risked life and limb to get closer to the action you both speculated it was only in the cities... and it was... at first. Then you heard the gunshots next door. And Merle's military training went into overdrive. Grabbing dusty duffle bag after dusty duffle bag of supplies he had stashed around the house Merle tied them tight to his bike.

It took three days for you and Merle to find Daryl out in the woods. Luckily for you both the geeks had just as much of a hard time. There were no biters out in the middle of no where. And if Merle had thought that an emergency would have lasted more than a week for three people, he would have packed more water. But he didn't and with the biters carrying some sort of disease. Merle didn't want to risk catching it in the water.

The three of you raided houses and small groups for a time. Daryl hated it. That much was evident. You hated it more. You had grown silent. distant. Though Merle couldn't tell if it was because of hunger or regret that had you pulling away. But he tried not to think about it. He just tried to focus on the survival of all of you.

When you all made it to the Quarry, Merle had origianlly wanted to raid it like the others and dip. But the kids... You and Daryl wouldn't let him. And so there he sat, a week later. Wittling a damned fishing rod for some broad he didn't know so she and her sister could go try and fish... Useless. Meanwhile you were being hounded by the big headed prick Shane. Every time he turned around he was nosing around you. If it were any time before three weeks ago he would have laid Shane out flat and thought nothing about it... But now... he had to act right... or Shane would kick them out... not that he would give a shit... but You were right. Even if he hated it. There was a safety in numbers.

Unfortunately... Merle could never keep his anger in check nor his mouth shut for long. The combination always seemed to get him in trouble. With the law - he was arrested more times than he could count and with more prison time than he probably deserved but let go because a fantastic lawyer. With ex-partners- he always said shit he would regret- it cost him a relationship with one of his maybe kids... he really should have looked into that before the end of the world... But now he was handcuffed to a roof. no hope to see you again ever again. All because his big mouth and bigger ego.

Finding the graves at the Quarry was the hardest thing he ever had to go through beyond war. Digging them up with one hand in the wet muddy ground coming down off of all his drugs to be certain none of them held you or Daryl... was his coming to religion moment.

The entire time he worked for the Governor Merle searched for you and Daryl. If Daryl had you he knew you were safe. Not that he doubted you. Merle trusted that you were out there somewhere now throwing cherry bombs into the woods to scare the deer into coming out for Daryl.

Walking in the woods one night on patrol Merle counted the stars. The moon. He never really looked at them before. You had tried once to show him the constellations. Where they all where at different times. Stars were your thing. Not his. He pretended to be interested. But you could tell he wasn't interested. He wished he could give you the time now.

Months into his service to Woodbury he was out doing the Governor's bidding. There had been a disturbance at the line apparently. He was deployed to deal with it. He hated his job but... it made the time pass. Better than in a jail cell he supposed... Searching under cars and in broken grocery store windows he disposed of a few walkers before watching a shadow scurry across the dusty glass of a hardware store window. "If yer looking to get a weapon yer out a luck... but if ya need a tool-" He froze. You stood in the glass staring back at him fear washed over your face before you ran to hide behind some shelves. Had you not seen him? Not recognized his voice?! Or maybe he was hallucinating again... it seemed to be a theme recently. He was seeing your face everywhere. Even in the paintings that Phillip had hanging in the halls. Walking into the store Merle growled rounding the aisles looking for you. This was ridiculous why- Oh... it was just a teen... Letting her slip past him he sighed pretending not to see them at all just willing to tell the teams that they were seeing shit again.

The trek to the prison felt like walking into death row. From one prison into another Merle thought walking beside Daryl. He didn't dare ask about you. Though the question burned in his mind so brightly that he nearly screamed it several times. It wasn't the time... wasn't the place. Not after the things Daryl had seen. Not after the changes he'd made. He wasn't the same Daryl that Merle left behind. More mature. Decisive. It was good to see in a way. It brough Pride to his chest in way that made him want to smile. It also brought tears in a painful way that made him want to scream and cry out for the time he lost. When the gates opened and only hostility came... you never did Merle looked desperately to Daryl who only could look to the ground. "Went out lookin' for ya." Merle shook his head turning towards the gate. "Merle." Daryl yelled. "I... I'll take ya too 'em." Daryl sighed looking very much like the boy Merle remembered. Leading Merle to a group of graves only marked with crosses not in a dissimilar way that the group at the Quarry used Daryl stopped. Feeling bile rise to the top of his throat at the sick feeling of Deja vu Merle shook his head. "Went out lookin' for ya every day... one day... didn't come back so I went lookin'..." Daryl sniffed gesturing to a cross with your name. "Found 'em turned and wandering back by Woodbury... not sure what happened... but we have our ideas."

Merle lived day by day and in a daze from then on. He lived for Daryl. Had to keep him safe. Like he always did. but it was different. Without you there to light up his life he was just existing waiting for what he couldn't put a name to it. So when the governor wanted to meet. A trade. Merle knew what he had to do. You died near Woodbury. The Governor knew... now... he would pay... he would know not to fuck with Rick... He'd stay the fuck away from Daryl and he'd regret ever letting you die on his land.

Impulsive. Merle had always been impulsive. and it always got him in trouble... but this time as his vison faded to black and a light shined in his eyes he was sure was the sun... he heard your voice... and he smiled.

#merle dixon #merle dixon x reader #the walking dead #The walking dead merle #Merle Dixon Fic #The walking dead fic #the walking dead headcanons #twd #Why?#because i can #i love them your honor #fail husband truly

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vaguely-concerned · 28 days

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A Stitch In Time First Read Reactions & Thoughts Monster Post Part 1

Basically exactly what it says on the tin! I kept making notes while I was reading and somehow it grew into this sprawling monstrosity that had to be split into three parts haha. In short: I loved this book, 10/10 incredibly gay and full of yearning Garak is there the whole time would recommend.

Quotes from the book in normal text, my reflections, reactions and self-indulgent bits in italics :) Please, please only click on that read-more if you're ready for some truly long-winded nonsense, I fear I have gone and been extremely myself about this and I can only beg your forbearance for it while I get it out of my system lol

Part 2, Part 3

- My dear Doctor:

Forgive my delay in responding to your kind communications. I wanted to give this modest chronicle I’ve enclosed a modicum of organization and update it before I sent it on to you. Thank you for your concern. I have thought of you often since our last meeting, and I am pleased to hear that your life on Deep Space 9 remains challenging and productive. Considering all the changes that have taken place I would have expected nothing less. And I’m certainly not surprised that your research proposals have been accepted. You’re a brilliant young scientist—even if you are genetically enhanced. As for my life here …

This is such a deceptively innocuous and normal-sounding beginning to what is about to be an extremely unnormal and unhinged thing to send a friend as a letter. He made it all of one paragraph of keeping it chill and I honestly think that’s pretty impressive all things considered. Thankfully Julian Bashir — who, let’s not forget, gave Jadzia his fucking diaries to read after much shorter acquaintanceship than what what we’re operating on here — is possibly the one person in the galaxy with the unhinged energy to take it.

(‘I have thought of you often’ he says. And how., as we shall see)

- Yes—I’m afraid you weren’t expecting this response to your kind inquiry; it goes a bit further than “Greetings from Cardassia—Wish you were here.”

Fhksjdfhasdkj well. In spirit that is exactly what you’re saying tho garak fhdskjaas. It’s just that you’re also pathologically incapable of shutting the hell up and for this I love and treasure you.

- So why Captain Sisko is so upset with me because I accomplished the goal (which he established!) of getting Romulus into the war against the Dominion baffles me. And it’s not because of the few lives that were sacrificed. Federation expansion has taken a toll in countless life-forms—about most of which they are blissfully unaware. The moment you step into a garden and begin to cultivate and prune, you become a killer. Perhaps the captain was upset because he had hesitated to do what was necessary to insure the integrity of his garden. Sentimentality is another trait that makes humans dangerous.

*Garak voice* Julian please tell me why your boss is so mad at me I literally solved all his problems for him. for which he’s wELCOME btw

Eyes open for recurring metaphors about gardeners, Tolan is haunting this narrative and it’s only polite to say hello whenever he shows up

- Indulge me, if you will; I need you as a witness.

Can I just say how fucking wild it is in terms of character development for Garak to openly admit he needs someone interpersonally. Incredibly fucked up that he writes both parts of this directly to Julian, though — both the part where he’s pretty sure he’s going to die trying to free Cardassia from the Dominion, and the ‘now’ timeline on post-war Cardassia where he seems to be dazedly coming to the realization that he might live, actually, and what that means to him.

- As a child I would go to the Tarlak Sector with Father, and while he supervised his crews I’d play by myself amid the black-and-white angularity of the monuments, imagining myself a great gul or legate giving the funeral oration for a fallen comrade.

Already we are starting to spot the thread, if you’ll excuse the expression, of why Garak might be Like That

I also came to admire Damar’s idealism, which led him to renounce his allegiance to the Dominion. If he had one weakness it was his propensity for long-winded speeches. But given the fact that none of us are perfect, the man would have made a fine leader.

As I stood at the memorial service, I thought about all the grand affairs I had witnessed here when I was a boy. None of our famed heroes and statesmen has ever had such a humble service—and none of them, from Tret Akleen on, deserved more than Corat Damar.

You are a species of long-winded speakers and Pythas Lok

- Dr. Parmak, the unit leader, worked furiously to stabilize the little girl, and when she was evacuated by the transport unit he broke down. He’s a very good man, this Dr. Parmak; he reminds me of an older version of you, Doctor.

Introducing Dr. Kelas Parmak, last seen in the then-noodle incident mentioned in The Die is Cast. Quite possibly the chillest person who has ever lived, considering he gets over the whole thing where Garak like tortured him pretty fast. (To be fair Garak DID say he was sorry. Between this case and Odo’s, that apparently goes a surprisingly long way lol)

- But Garak, you’ll say, there’s no excuse for killing a defenseless woman. And there isn’t… unless you’ve been brought up in our system.

I love that he keeps a little Julian around in his head to talk to at all times. That’s one of the most freakishly intimate things in this whole book of freakish intimacy. Garak has a little Tain on one shoulder and a little Julian on the other shoulder and they have heated debates as to the validity of murder as a solution to any given problem that’s put before him

- I also thought about this Cardassian sense of duty and how it is largely responsible for bringing those of us who are left to these current circumstances. I asked Dr. Parmak how an entire people can come under the sway of this duty and blindly give allegiance to a state that goes mad and murders its own children.

“Poisonous pedagogy, Elim,” he replied. “We believe what we are taught.”

Poison/Disease contagion is a metaphor that will wind through this whole thing,and different people mean different things by it. Parmak means it about The Facism, which is the right one. You’ll be unsurprised to hear that Dukat Sr. has a rather different spin on it, and that he’s wrong!

- But Tain at home was anything but mysterious. It was not unusual for Uncle Enabran to appear and take me away on some excursion that involved a long walk through a section of the city. During these walks he’d test my awareness, and challenge me to describe a house or a person we’d just passed. If I hadn’t been paying attention and couldn’t remember the details, the walk was over and we’d silently return home under the oppressive weight of his disapproval. He also seemed to know how I was performing at school, and if he wasn’t satisfied with my progress or behavior he’d punish me. I was a hard worker but I had a mischievous streak, and I enjoyed getting others involved in questionable activities and arranging it so they were found out and took the blame. On those rare occasions when I was caught, Tain would somehow find out and punish me—not for my misdeed, but for having been caught. And after he discovered my fear of small, dark spaces, his favorite punishment became keeping me in one until I had convinced him that I had analyzed and fully understood how my mischievous scheme had gone wrong. I found it odd that Mother and Father never had anything to say about these punishments.

. . .

At first I thought I was in trouble, and my face must have reflected this fear because Father attempted to reassure me with a forced smile. But the uncharacteristic falsity of his behavior and his barely concealed agitation only made the situation worse. I had never seen him like this. Mother’s face was a mask; it revealed nothing. She spoke as if I needed to clean off the day’s work before we ate.

Garak treats him and Bashir ‘drifting apart’ the same way he describes his young self being trained by Tain to go over his ‘mistakes’ — what did I do wrong? You also see it (almost most heartbreakingly to me) from Tolan when he gets sharper out of worry at the end of the scene where the agent comes to take Garak away to the Bamarren Institute:

I was stunned. I wanted to ask more, I wanted to ask about the dedication ceremony that afternoon, but I didn’t dare. Father had that look when one of the workers didn’t get it right the first time. But what had I done wrong?

Oh buddy. He’s so fucking confused. The only thing you’ve done wrong yet is having been born with some connection to Enabran Tain, Elim, I’m so sorry

- We were the “missing pieces”—and in order to find our place in the mosaic of civilized society, we had to be broken down and reconstructed from the bottom up.

Keep your eyes open for ‘broken down and reconstructed’ too, it will be on the final test lol

- The good captain gave me one of his bemused stares.

Sisko ILU. He’s not in this book a lot so I’ll take the chance to say it here, because I do.

- It was explained to us that until we became disciplined in our relations with the “complementary gender” we would make better progress this way. When I asked One Tarnal how we would learn this discipline without interaction between the sexes, he blinked and mumbled something about “distractions.” When I asked what that meant I was told that I had a loose mouth and given five days of hygiene-chamber maintenance as punishment.

“You don’t know enough to ask so many questions.”

Elim 'Genuinely & Guilelessly Too Deeply Pansexual To Be Able To Follow This Logic’ Garak

- Pythas/Eight descriptions because this is a bad mutual crush situation:

- Unfortunately, the only student left was quiet Eight Lubak, who kept completely to himself. He agreed to accompany me and quickly moved to the door. He was short and slender, and his dark eyes and long lashes made him look younger than the rest of us. He was almost too delicate for a Cardassian. I was not encouraged … but I had no choice.

‘Dark eyes and long lashes’ huh lol

I started to follow him, but he made it clear that I should stay where I was and wait. All during this, Eight was quiet and controlled—and as sure of himself as if he’d done this many times. How did he know where he was going?

. . .

His face was dark, intense with concentration; his brow ridges, which were unusually pronounced, cast shadows over his eyes. My heart began to pound when I realized what Eight was planning. These were certain to be older students, but he expressed no hesitation, no doubt.

. . .

I didn’t know then if I could ever call Eight a friend. Something about him was strange and impenetrable. But it didn’t matter. At least I knew there was one person in my section I could trust. How I had misjudged him. It was obvious that Eight had what Cardassians call a ferocious spirit—and that I could learn a great deal from him.

. . .

Eight also came from a “service” family background, and it was soon clear to everyone that he should have been designated One Lubak, a fact not lost on the actual holder of that designation who, judging from his behavior and speech, came from the highest echelons of our society.

. . .

Five was an athlete who also did well in class. I could see that he was attracted to Eight. As indeed I was.

Big round of applause for Andrew Robinson managing to sneak the skywritten subtext into the text like this, it’s an exceedingly rare gift to get to have from the media of this time

. . .

But by then the group had passed. What murk? Me? Have all the others been captured? Surely not Eight. I couldn’t believe that was possible.

. . .

The only member of my group who performed as well in all areas was the taciturn Eight.

. . .

The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

. . .

Eight remained for a few more minutes. I had the feeling that he wanted to say something more to me. Suddenly he turned and disappeared behind a barrier. The air was filled with whatever went unsaid. He was as shy as anyone I had ever known.

The boys are being useless lesbians at each other omg……… what must this whole mess look like from Pythas’ POV tho. He’s been keeping an eye on his friend/crush so he doesn’t get himself killed by running his mouth off too much to the wrong person and before he knows it the guy is embroiled in an inadvisable bisexual sandwich of betrayal and savage intrigue. I wonder if anything would have been different if Garak and Pythas had managed to actually talk to each other here.

- Eight was the only person who deserved number One as much as I did—maybe more. My solitary behavior was not always in service to the group. Eight and I exchanged encouraging looks. The support of my one constant friend was all I wanted. I sat there and shut out everything else.

*Garak whenever someone prefers Pythas over him* understandable honestly I’d do the same thing he’s the best have a nice day

End Pythas/Eight teen crush corner

- My mind wandered. I was sure that I heard sounds of the women students gusting with the winds. Suddenly mother materialized … she looked like she was apologizing. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, but her image dissolved and … Father took her place. I knew he was telling me something very important, but I was growing dizzy and afraid that I’d join Six on the ground … his words were carried away by the winds.

Suffering and agony

Some assorted 'Just assure me that I'm not going mad, Doctor'/Garak's ever-tenuous grip on his mental health moments:

-I don’t know why I wasn’t surprised that he knew. Instead, I was grateful; it told me I wasn’t going mad.

A recurring worry for him I’m sure it means nothing! I feel the same fellowship with him as I do with Harrow in The Locked Tomb series, which I’m sure says even less, don’t worry about it.

And how do we even begin to rebuild a world that doesn’t exist anymore? A world that exists in my mind with the same arid bitterness as the dust in my mouth. I have never lived with despair, Doctor, the way I live with it now. It’s almost like a phantom companion that shadows me and casts doubt on whatever I do.

“Why save him?” it asks, as we remove a young boy from the rubble of a school. “You’re only keeping him alive for a future of privation and chaos. Wouldn’t it be more satisfying to join the burial unit?”

I want to scream at this phantom, to shut it up. Once I turned around suddenly and raised my hand to strike it. When I realized it wasn’t there, it was too late. Everyone in the unit was looking at me; I’m sure I must have looked like a madman. Dr. Parmak tried to send me home, but I refused—alone it’s even worse.

I’m just imagining Julian arriving on Cardassia like ‘hey yeah I got your letter and we should fuck about it right now but first of all have you told Parmak you’ve been having vivid hallucinations again because that’s very relevant medical information Garak!!!’

- But it was in the Pit and my work with Calyx that I suffered the most. My dreaming made me “an air man.”

“You have no grip, no focus. How can you find your strength if you can’t hold your place? Living in your dreams is like living in exile.”

*whisper* pls don't...

- As I tried to put faces on the shadowy children, they began to approach me. They became more distinct as they moved through the rain and haze. Can you believe it, Doctor? They weren’t my schoolmates; they were the Cardassian orphans from the Resettlement Center on Bajor we once visited. The orphans left after the Cardassian occupation forces withdrew. The same young girl was their leader and her lips formed the same question.

Have you come to take us home?

I jumped up. I felt the shed closing in, threatening to swallow me. I ran out into the rain and gloom.

“There is no home anymore! Can’t you see that? Look around you! It’s gone!” I screamed at them and fell to my knees in the sodden waste. They continued to stare back with that same look of fragile trust that I would somehow relieve them of their fear and bring them home. I couldn’t look at them anymore and dropped down into the muck. My despair was no longer just a voice; it was this monstrous world the evil had created, and it surrounded and overwhelmed me.

I don’t know how long I remained curled up in the mud. I felt myself being lifted and half carried, half dragged back into my shed. It was Dr. Parmak. He cleaned and changed me as best he could. He prepared a cup of Tarkalean tea, which made me think of you, Doctor. How ironic, another doctor pulls old Elim out of the muck of his despair, but this time he’s a Cardassian.

The fact that in the episode itself, Garak (in a haze of endorphins and practiced dissociation) is barely like ‘yes yes I’m sure we’re ALL very upset about the orphans. Or whatever. Well what do you want me to do about it Doctor it’s just the way of the world’ and then it just haunts him horrifically for the rest of his life forever and ever the end! Very on brand.

Garak does seem to genuinely like and care for children in general, which makes my heart all weird and sad

Also Parmak making Tarkalean tea and Garak being like ‘oh. Like Julian :’(‘ about it my HEART. The fact that he’s a serial befriender of very patient kindhearted doctors willing to put up with his nonsense is probably the only reason he’s still alive lol. Thank u Parmak

- A difficult move under pressure against strong physical resistance from an opponent … and something would snap. A painful blow might set it off, a whispered insult, perhaps just a thought or a feeling of hopelessness, and I would suddenly lose control and lash out like a madman. I became suffused with a raging, crimson anger that poured out from some black hole somewhere deep inside me.

I feel like we see the outlines of this still in him by the time of the show — more tucked away and harnessed, but definitely still there. He’s got an instinctive Fight response a mile wide, it’s just that these days he mostly expresses it by becoming incredibly fucking MEAN when he feels threatened rather than outright physical attack.

- And there was a soothing quality as it spoke of dry legal definitions. It acted as a balm for my bruises and bitterness. I began to feel such longings. It was like hearing music that you love when you least expect it. How I missed Mother, and working with Father in the flower beds. How I longed for home. I dropped my guard and surrendered to the voice. The tears I was determined never to shed accompanied choking waves of shame and relief, sadness and joy. I finally was able to admit to myself how unhappy I was.

*me with my magnifying glass studying the Palandine/Bashir parallels* listening to Bashir talk about Federation nonsense things presumably fills much the same niche in Garak’s psyche as this haha

- “I assure you, I am not in the habit of attacking people I don’t know in public places. We got our feet tangled in the crush, and he went down—just as, moments before, I nearly wiped out the scent display when he ignored the fact that I was standing in his path. I trust he’s not hurt.”

“I expect more from you, Garak,” Odo lectured. “We’re all under a great deal of strain.”

“As am I, Constable. Please, sit down at least. I feel like a schoolboy being disciplined by the docent.”

Odo sighed and awkwardly perched on the barstool next to mine.

Their dynamic is. Everything to me. Also we learn later that the guy Garak picks a fight with here because he’s upset Julian is hanging out with Miles (lmao oh… buddy) isn’t just anyone or on impulse, but is one of the most hostile-to-Garaks Bajorans on the entire station with a small gang behind him, and Garak knows exactly who he is. Which lends it a certain… something. Almost an edge of very roundabout self-harm.

“I can’t stay long. I have to finish dealing with this …”

“ … situation,” I finished. “You’re very fortunate, Odo.”

“How so?” he asked.

“These people have come to trust you. They rely upon you. You’ve made a real connection here.”

Odo merely grunted. I was careful not to mention Major Kira, knowing how reserved he was on the subject.

“Do you still want to go home?” I asked.

The question startled Odo, and for a moment the mask of official reserve dropped from his face. This was the first time I had brought up the subject since his admission to me during the “interrogation” in the Romulan warbird and Tain’s ill-fated attempt to destroy the Founders’ homeworld.

“ I … can’t say,” he replied ambiguously.

“Well, I can. There’s certainly nothing here to keep me.”

“I never told you how sorry I was about Ziyal’s death.” Odo could be quite sensitive in such matters.

“You did, actually,” I nodded. “But thank you.”

“Still, you and Dr. Bashir have created a strong bond.”

“Not really,” I answered quickly. “I’m afraid that what I have to offer has run its course. It’s certainly no match for darts.” I heard the bitterness of my tone, and so did Odo. We sat in silence for a moment.

“I understand you’ll be involved in the invasion. You must be pleased.” Odo steered us away from the heaviness that had descended.

. . .

“When do you want to schedule your consultation?” I asked. Odo—no doubt influenced by his budding relationship with the Major—was about to branch out sartorially. But it occurred to me that Quark was the last person he wanted to know about it.

“We’ll talk,” he replied, nodding to Quark as he briskly marched back to the Promenade.

AHdorable all around. Hilarious that Odo picked up on trouble in human/lizard paradise and, with the vigor of a person who has freshly had love work out for them for the first time, going ‘not on my fucking watch you’ll talk to each other if it’s the last thing I do’. Also the sheer readiness with which he expects Julian to be Garak’s safe place. What on earth does this relationship look like to outside observers. Especially to Odo, practiced observer of humanoid folly, who completely nails Garak’s whole deal in Improbable Cause to the point that Garak lashes out defensively over it.

- My solitary confinement was agony. The only way I got through it was to rethink all my attitudes about the Pit and the Wilderness and to focus on how I could make my stratagems more effective. Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?

Going through the whole book it is so stunningly awful that this IS the logic his inner world is shaped around for the vast majority of his life, right up until the ‘present’ part of the storyline where it’s being slowly deconstructed and reassembled.

- I apologized to the others for disrupting their family; I explained that I had great need of this creature. Not only was Mila (as I eventually called him) the answer to my current problem, he was as important as any of the docents at Bamarren, with the possible exception of Calyx.

;_______________________________________________________________; there’s no part of this that isn’t crushing

Unlike the last time, I had preparation and an ally.

Tain really had to work at deadening Garak’s ability to form loyalty to anything else but him, because left to his own devices and natural instinct Garak will clearly packbond with ANYTHING. He’s so desperate to belong to someone and be loyal to them.

- As the sun came up, the otherworldly beauty of the Wilderness was gradually revealed by each succeeding gradation of light. I was deeply moved by the presence of so much color in what had initially looked like a dead world to me. Beginning with a cold pale gray, the dawn flowed through a range of blues and into the softest rose and pink and then to a hot red that soon gave way to the merciless bleached bone-white of midday. I was able to see how much territory I had covered the previous night.

Can I just say how unspeakably tender it is that he takes the time to write this out in this. It serves literally no purpose in this narrative but sentiment — to be beautiful. He saw something beautiful once that moved him and he wants to share it with someone. What the fuck.

- I became increasingly concerned; the sun was getting higher, and the overhanging ledge was now my last source of shade. At one point I took Mila out of his wrapping to check on his condition. At least that’s what I told myself. I was afraid that if I was honest and admitted that the real reason was to solicit help from a regnar, the slide into total insanity would be swift and sure. I was getting desperate.

The funniest and saddest thing I’ve ever read fhdskjfas emotional support regnar that he names after his fucking MUM hours. There are things going on with Garak no psychologist could ever hope to get to the bottom of

- Three more members of the Furtan group were on the other side of the rock formation, but Mila had found a hidden depression that required some quiet digging to get into, and we avoided detection. We settled in and resealed the opening with sand and loose rocks. After an indeterminate period, the Furtan hunters left. As we waited for nightfall I fell into a deep sleep.

BB!Elim and regnar Mila like ‘OUR secret hiding spot’. (Seeing how much garak both craves and thrives on getting to have that sense of ‘we’ and fellowship tho. And knowing that’s going to be not only deliberately kept from him but made psychologically impossible for him for a very long time. We should bring Tain back to life so we can kill him again and more painfully actually. Mercymorn acid jail for a thousand years time.)

- While I understood that I would have to watch my step with One Charaban, I also acknowledged that I had never been in a manlier or more attractive presence. It was like encountering an ideal that I’d only dreamed about. As I walked back to my section and accepted the congratulations of my mates, I was baffled not so much by the appearance of this new and commanding person in my life as by my recognition of his strong connection to me. But what connection?

Baby pansexual disaster at his finest

- The other day, the Doctor, Odo, and I were at the Replimat having lunch, an event that Odo, after our conversation, had taken it upon himself to organize.

. . .

“But what about you, Doctor?” I asked, returning to the business at hand. “It seems there’s a movement afoot to have you replace Captain Sisko.” The doctor winced.

“Is this true?” Odo asked. We both looked to the doctor for confirmation. He sighed.

“There’s a group of … genetically enhanced people who feel that one of their own should be guiding the station during this emergency, and they’ve petitioned the Federation Council, but it’s Jack and his group, and no one takes them…” Exasperated, he broke off. “Garak, how did you hear about this?”

“My clientele talk and I listen.” This was also true: an idiot savant who wears his presumed genetic superiority like a badge of privilege walked into my shop and never stopped talking. Of course I encouraged him, and by the time he left I had heard all about some organized attempt to elevate Dr. Bashir to the leadership position. I could see that the doctor was upset that I’d divulged this information. Clearly this genetic business was not his favorite topic of conversation.

“Is this something we should keep an eye on?” Odo asked, studying us carefully.

“No, not at all,” the Doctor assured him. “It’s just Jack’s people. This was nearly a year ago, and I’m afraid they have too much time on their hands—like some other people I know.” He pointedly looked away from me as Odo continued to study us, trying to decode the undercurrent of this last exchange between us. No wonder he was such a capable security operative. Odo registered every change in tone and temperature and tracked the change down to its cause.

“Tell me something, Garak.” It was clear that he had found an opening for one of those deferred questions he kept on a prioritized list somewhere in his changeling head. He was still a basically shy and tactful person, especially when it came to other people’s business, but lately he’d become more openly inquisitive. I wondered if it was Major Kira’s influence.

Matchmaker/self-appointed and woefully under-equipped marriage counselor Odo……….you are Everything to me you dumb beige bitch. Garak goes a bit aggro in return when he tries to get too close to something tender but honestly odo buddy gooey friend of my heart maybe you shouldn’t barge into this particular glassware shop like a rampaging elephant huh someone’s going to get cut. Also Garak could have refrained from pressing on Julian’s bruises for attention here and we may not have had the rest of the scene, but alas.

This must be the lunch where we deal with uncomfortable subjects.

“But if Cardassia is liberated from Dominion control …” Odo went on.

“When Cardassia is liberated,” I interrupted.

“Would you return?”

“Would you return to the Great Link?” Odo reacted with sharp annoyance to the question.It wasn’t a fair one, because although we were both exiles, we were in very different circumstances. With the humanoid shape he was still learning to live with, and his deepening relationship with Major Kira, Odo was discovering a new mode of existence, a new link. He had an alternative, however difficult the choice. I didn’t.

“Yes, I know. You can’t say.” I was sorry I had asked again. It was a question he was obviously struggling with.

The feeling Garak seems to have towards Odo in this period where like… you know when you have a friend who has a lot of the same mental health issues as you do and you see them get better and start to flourish and you are genuinely so happy for them but also feel just how deep in the muck you yourself still are with no prospect of getting out. And the way Garak consistently wistfully includes Odo’s romantic relationship to Kira when he observes how he’s coming out of his shell and why he has reasons to stay.

“Would you return to the same Cardassia?” the doctor asked.

“What do you mean ‘same’?” But I knew perfectly well what he meant.

“To a Cardassia containing the political and social elements that made the current situation possible.”

“My dear Doctor, that’s also the Cardassia that made me possible.” I half-hoped my joke would end this conversation … but I knew better.

Julian baby please read the room and take this up some other time somewhere private maybe (and yet I understand how you wouldn’t think of that until later once Garak’s had a rare public freakout)

Absolutely heartbreaking in every way that garak seems so convinced he must have done something wrong or simply doesn’t have anything more of interest to offer julian and that’s why they’re drifting apart, when a just as likely reading from what’s actually on the page here is that julian feels he keeps getting it wrong and hesitates in case he makes the damage worse. Garak have you considered who this man is before you decided you must have fucked up and resigned yourself to the dark closet of self-isolation tain put in your head. I’m in shambles.

Also Julian is saying a lot of very true things about Cardassia in this scene that Garak needs to hear and that he’s clearly processing all through the rest of his time on DS9 and beyond, as angry as it makes him, and the good doctor means so well but he IS being incredibly condescending, and he keeps pushing even as Garak is signaling he’d rather not go in depth on this, especially in such an exposed public setting. (This is a conversation they SHOULD be having in private, both for emotional reasons and b/c Garak’s position on this station is a lot more vulnerable than I think Julian realizes, as the hostile comments he immediately starts getting during this convo show.) I mean I guess it’s not this man’s fault he is fundamentally British and autistic what can a bitch do fdjslkfhasj (I say this with all the love in my fellow autistic heart, please do not misunderstand me here). But it’s a very Julian well-meaning but flawed thing to do — he’s focusing on the principle and intellectual side of it, but he’s not taking into account that just maybe having to deconstruct the entirety of your worldview and belief system and then feel responsible for implementing them to create a better world afterwards could be an emotionally fraught process that requires not only reasoned political debate but personal, emotional support from a friend. He isn’t getting that Garak isn’t so much categorically resistant to the basic ideas he’s setting forth — it’s that he wants to be convinced on a practical level that it could even work, because otherwise it’s just a useless pretty picture.

(Which is a big part of their dynamic on many levels, I’ve always felt. All those times he challenges Julian’s more hopeful and idealistic world view — ultimately he doesn’t do that because he wants to break Julian’s faith down until he agrees with him, he does it because somewhere deep down Garak wants to be convinced. He wants there to be hope somewhere in the world, even if he won’t buy the quick and glorified ‘it’s easy to be a saint in paradise’ Federation version of it. And Julian’s version isn’t that, in the end; it gets tested again and again and he really, genuinely means it, even when it’s hard. Which is one of the most healing things about his presence in Garak’s life overall.)

Ironically I also think Julian believes so much in Garak and his capabilities that it simply doesn’t occur to him that Garak as a private person might just be like. Too scared and overwhelmed to even contemplate this, at least until Garak is upset enough that he can’t gracefully hide it. (“With your background and experience, Garak, I’m certain that you could serve as a liaison between a new Cardassian government and the Federation.” The Doctor paused and waited for a response. None was forthcoming. “I once suggested that you visit Earth as a member of the Cardassian government-in-exile….” oh so no biggie then Julian that sounds easy and painless and I’m surprised no one has thought to do this yet, this Obsidian Order wilted leftover sandwich of a guy is surely going to be welcomed with open arms wherever he goes among his people fhsdakjfas!)

I feel like this is one of Julian’s less sympathetic traits that he would probably feel such intense self-loathing about once he realized it’s one he shares with his father — this instinct to try to shape someone into a ‘better’ version of themselves. I think Julian’s version of this primarily comes from a much, MUCH kinder place than in his father; he has the will and ability to see the best in the world and in people, and he can’t help but want them to live up to that once he’s seen it. He fundamentally believes people can be better, can be good, when given the help and tools they need, and that’s such a beautiful part of him. BUT along with that there is also a danger of that tipping over into becoming paternalistic and controlling, of overly privileging the ideal you see over the person who is actually there right now, and trying to forcibly change the one into the other ‘for them’.

Considering Garak’s past experiences of being shaped and controlled by someone else’s idea of what he should be, I’m if anything surprised he doesn’t react worse to this, honestly! I think it speaks to the basic trust and goodness that exists between them that he doesn’t. Julian is clumsy but not malicious, and even here Garak does recognize that on some deep level.

(Probably because he’s also been touched by Julian at his best, in The Wire — where his support and acceptance is absolute and unconditional, free of the instinct to control anything.)

My voice had risen to an uncharacteristic pitch. It was still ringing in my ears as the Doctor stared at me as if he were studying a baffling microbe. I, too, was baffled. I had no idea where this outburst came from. I know that a distance has widened between us during the past year or so and I know that the holosuite program incident and the revelations of his genetic enhancement are the symptoms of this distance rather than the cause. It’s only natural—we’re very different people. I also know that he had only the best intentions in suggesting that I use the Federation model in order to influence the future of Cardassia. Misguided, yes, and somewhat patronizing and arrogant, but hardly sufficient to elicit this embarrassing and public loss of control.

I mumbled some sad excuse which the good Doctor and Odo were kind enough not to challenge and left the Replimat to return to my shop. As I passed Quark’s I caught his eye and we nodded. Why I included him in my outburst also puzzled me; I rather admire his industry and resourcefulness. I especially admire the way he consistently bends Federation rules so that they work for him.

That’s such a fair evaluation of Bashir’s intentions and personality honestly. Even this upset and feeling that distance between them, Garak still has complete trust in the Doctor’s basic good intentions and nature. (Are you really such very different people at the end of the day, though, Elim. Should the genetic enhancement arc maybe be telling you something here.)

Also such a hilarious element of the Garak-Quark relationship.’Sorry to get you caught up in the crossfire bro I’ve never thought of you as anything but an avaricious opportunist (complimentary)’

What is important is that I feel that I am necessary, that I function with all my faculties in the service of a greater cause. And while I wait for this invasion, is making Odo more attractive to Major Kira a greater cause?

It is in fact nothing but the greatest cause Garak. Getting Kira happily lovingly laid is priority one at all times.

- I had no real friends to speak of, and told myself that loneliness was the price I had to pay for success. I considered the games and behavior of my mates to be childish, and that any unnecessary interaction would only distract me from my work. The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

(I feel like this whole part is going to hit Julian in some kind of way lmao)

Literally just. Put me in a little box on the bottom of the ocean and leave me there forever I can’t go on. Also he’s SUCH a clever-but-socially-inept teenager in this part around the people in his group he doesn’t like fhdkjsa. Ugh they’re all so annoying and fake just leave me alone *eyeroll emoji* I didn’t want to be included in their idiotic conversation bb elim… I would die for your lightly insufferable but entertainingly snarky teenage butt in a way that actually makes me feel more kindly towards my own inner idiot 16 year old.

Also it’s no wonder he’s so out to sea when it comes to interacting with his peers — by all accounts he didn’t play much with other kids as a child and then he’s dropped straight into a social Lord of the Flies piranha tank shot through with Class Shit.

Inspired by my guide Mila, I would experiment at withdrawing my presence when I had to remain in the same room with people I didn’t like.

Honing his future customer service worker smile

Here follow some Bamarren and beyond observations I’ve elected to call ‘Sex Stuff’:

- Oh ok so garak gets some sexual Thing out of being beaten to a pulp after mouthing off through the same mechanism that made spanking known as the ‘English Vice’ across Europe when that was the go-to punishment in British boarding schools. I see. Many things are revealed to me

I looked from the pale, frozen face of Three to the others. They all looked like statues commemorating fear. And I was pleased. I realized at that moment that they were in my control, and that I would no longer have any trouble with them. Especially Three. I felt the power like a drug surging through my system.

And then, of course, the other side of the masochism/sadism scale smoothly coming in, he contains those multitudes. In Garak’s defense idk if you could go through a psychosexual development that wasn’t deeply, deeply weird in this sort of environment

“What do you want me to do?” I was trembling as if my body were chilled.

Well, I mean. You know fhkdsjha. And he’s rewarded with the first non-aggressive physical contact he’s had here, you say. (For reference he’s talking to Barkan, of the aforementioned ‘manliest presence’.) I’m sure this didn’t awaken anything in him or anything.

“Elim, why do you think we have these ridges?” She stroked the scalloped cords of cartilege and bone that ran along her neck and down her shoulders with a delicacy that stopped my breath. The energy had turned into molten liquid that was now flowing into my groin. The rest of the world was swallowed by complete darkness and I was back inside the tunnel.

“Because … we do,” I replied stupidly.

Fhdjskfhsdjkfhadskjfhas he’s so easy fdsjkfhas. And what a one-two punch of sexual confusion he got there. That one afternoon did irreparable damage to the libidinous development of this poor man and now he has to live like this.

For the second time tonight I was spellbound by another’s passion. In very different ways, Charaban and Palandine held me in their orbit, like powerful suns.

I was learning something new about myself—an emerging desire for power, but a power that had less to do with mastery over others than it did with connecting to them. The way I felt the connection to Charaban … and especially to Palandine.

And, I’m so sorry to have to break it to you like this, your biodad. I’m sorry Elim you’ve got something truly unfortunately Freudian going on here. It’s not your fault.

“I love the Blind Moon,” Charaban said softly.

“Why is it called that?” I asked, deeply relieved by the mysterious change that had come over us.

“It’s the time for lovers’ assignations,” Palandine answered. “The moon will give them enough light to meet, but not so much for them to be discovered.”

“So if you and Elim were true lovers I wouldn’t have been able to find you,” Charaban teased.

“That’s right, Barkan,” she said with a direct look. I shifted position in the ensuing silence and tried to hide my disappointment with Palandine’s reply, but at the same time, the pleasure I felt in the company of these two people kept growing.

“See?” Palandine suddenly addressed me. “You can do it.”

“What?” I was startled by her delighted burst.

“Smile. Look at that, Barkan. Wouldn’t you tell someone with that smile everything he wanted to know?” she demanded.

“The first time I met him—well, the second…” he corrected himself, “he had a smile that I wanted to wipe off his face.” He was referring to that early morning in front of the Central Gate.

“But it wasn’t that smile,” Palandine insisted.

“No,” he conceded. “Definitely not that one.” And the truth was that I could feel this smile throughout my entire body.

Noooo this is about to go so wrong…it’s all fun and games and bisexual poetry recitation under the blind moon until someone gets stabbed in the back like the Caesar (well caesar notably got stabbed from many many directions but you see what I’m trying to get at here)

- [The Klingon] looked up, and I immediately knew two things about him: he was inebriated beyond reason and he was one of their shock troopers, a callused veteran of hand-to-hand combat. I took a deep breath; as dolts go he was quite impressive. My spirits were suddenly and immeasurably lifted.

“You spoonhead!” he growled at me. I hated that word.

“And you … a great warrior who brings down dabo girls with a single blow,” He looked at me trying to decide if I had insulted or complimented him.

“P’tak!” I shouted, “I mean that you’re the biggest coward in the Klingon Empire,” He released the dabo girl, and as he moved to the narrow stairway I thought that he was also the biggest Klingon in the Empire.

I looked for my advantage. This was not an equal match, and my gigantic friend was in the full flush of a berserker blood lust. I sighed. I’m too old for this, I thought.

. . .

“Get security, Chief, and tell them to prepare the biggest cell they have … or a smaller coffin for me,” I said as I moved into the alcove and squeezed through the opening where the panel had been.

Listen I would apologize for including this here but he’s clearly getting off on this and I couldn’t do anything about it if I wanted to.

I cannot convey just how much my already intense enjoyment of canon is enriched by the knowledge that Garak is up to these kinds of hijinks constantly in the background when the camera isn’t on him. In his defense he was left unsupervised. O’Brien’s fond mildly exasperated help is just the cherry on top. ‘Well I GUESS Julian would be upset if I let you get beaten to death by a drunk Klingon so fine I’ve got your back’

(I made for the upper Promenade—and wondered if Calyx might be enjoying this spectacle from wherever he was. ;______; I like how much of an impact Calyx has on his development, considering how briefly he was actually in his life. Plus: Calyx; the Aiglamene of Bamarren? Locked Tomb/DS9 fandom overlap people, Let’s Discuss.)

“Help me,” he croaked. I was touched by the giant’s childlike surrender. I knew the feeling well.

“I will,” I replied and immediately wondered why I had agreed. I’m getting soft, I thought.

The greatest joy to me of a lot of this is, like… idk if these are all exactly the things that happened at every turn. In fact I’d say they very likely aren’t, Garak’s entire character taken into consideration. But they are certainly the things he wants someone — someone he trusts as far as he knows how, someone he earnestly wants to be closer to than anyone else, and also wants to see all of him — to know about him, to share in. This could just have easily been a story he told Julian in person over lunch to make him laugh. It’s silly and frivolous and fun, and as much at his own expense as a ludicrous person as to show off. To a true lying liar who lies connoisseur, unreliable narration tells more than it obscures etc. lol

- (About Barkan) It was the appearance of warmth that made his charm so attractive. A part of me wanted to tell him everything, to challenge the duplicity of his negative evaluation, but the clarity I found in the Lower Prefect’s office was still with me. Looking at him, I was reminded how Palandine had taught me to smile when I asked questions.

Apart from Pythas, who gets his own little twink corner, most of the people Garak is attracted to throughout this are his height or taller and slender but athletic. I’m just saying that when he spotted Julian in the Replimat for the first time he really saw a young man with the face of an angel who is exactly his type fhdjskah maybe he should have seen this coming for himself. Too high on endorphins and hubris to think this would awaken anything in him irrevocably and now he’s stuck with the consequences.

Why? I asked myself. Why?! For the life of me I could not understand why it was important to her that I respond. Why should she—so beautiful, so alive—be disappointed if I didn’t return her … what? What did she want from me? Friendship? Why me?

I was in turmoil. Her grace and manner, the way she tilted her head and half smiled when she listened, as if everything amused her … it was like a forbidden dream of the unattainable. The attraction was painful because I instinctively knew that while my life would be simpler and more controllable without her, it would also be as drab as my Bamarren uniform.

. . .

“Are you making fun of me?” It was at that moment, when I asked the question, that I realized just how afraid I was of being the object of her ridicule. She stopped laughing and for the first time she was speechless.

Losing my entire fucking MIND about how Garak is basically taking Palandine’s place when he approaches Julian at first. Odo and Garak ‘I love you so much I want to become you because it’s the only way I can imagine really being close to you’ handshake meme

Sex stuff end. For now.

I was about to leave when Odo asked about the designs for his “new” sartorial look. I could see that he was masking his concern, so I assured him that the sketches were some of my finest creations, and would be ready within the week. He grunted his thanks and I stepped out onto the Promenade. Love does make fools of us all.

I’m clawing at my face with emotion. Odo… And Garak did finish those sketches even after his moment of existential ennui over them before.

- Please for the love of god stop putting Six out in the merciless sun T_____T how many times must a poor lil nerd boy pass out before he can rest in the sand etc.

- “It’s not every evening we find Barkan Lokar strolling with a murk through the Grounds.”

“Lokar? My father buried the Legate, Turat Lokar,” I said without thinking.

“Did your father kill him?” Palandine joked. But I didn’t laugh. The Lokars were a legendary family, and the old man’s funeral was the largest I had ever seen.

Why is this so funny. Garak you are so fucking weird. ‘Oh yeah I know that guy my dad did the flower arrangements for his funeral’

- A spirited dabo game involving several Klingons and a serious-looking dabo girl I hadn’t seen before caught my attention. If Quark had been present he’d be giving her one of his congeniality lectures. I truly sympathize with the young woman; if I had to spend all day with these drunken dolts….

Literally so hilarious that’s his first thought. First impulse: ‘surrounded by idiots’ solidarity. Garak what were you doing day drinking at the devil’s sacrament/quarks at midday girl…

- Rom soon appeared with a small container of kanar. He was wearing an outfit I had made for him.

“H-here you are, Garak. I hope you enjoy it.” Ever the gracious host.

“Thank you, Rom. And please, try not to let your collar lie there like a dead targ.” I adjusted the offending fabric, and Rom sweetly tolerated my fussing.

I’m fucking crying what the HELL. Surprise wholesome dynamic that keeps going through the whole narrative. Garak just uncomplicatedly likes and appreciates Rom, with no particular ulterior motive. Plus: fussing is also how we see Mila express affection, like mother like son.

- I realized as I took a sip of my drink that I was in a dangerous mood. Drinking in the middle of the day. The Doctor would be quite disappointed with me. When I’m unable to immerse myself in work my mind becomes occupied by an invading army of thoughts intent upon conquering all equilibrium and peace. Kanar is a valuable if unreliable weapon I employ against this army. The pills the Doctor gives me are a poor substitute.

Julian, severely unimpressed: uh-huh

‘Would Julian want me to do this to myself? No. However he’s too busy playing soldiers with O’Brien to tell me so, apparently, so that can’t stop me.’ You petty lil bitch garak (affectionate)

The fact that he’s doing the The Little Julian Who Lives In My Head thing already here, where the real Julian is actually around but not engaged with him. I’m so sad. He’s managed to discover shrimp colour spectrums of loneliness and pining.

- Ever since the Romulan business and Captain Sisko’s near breakdown (outside of the Doctor, whom I told shortly after the incident, no one knows about this, but one recognizes the symptoms), I’ve been obsessed with memories of Bamarren.

The fact that he tells Julian about that. Presumably partly in a practical way to make sure Sisko doesn’t fall to pieces completely but he doesn’t seem to have any shame about it or expect Bashir to react too badly over it either. The trust…

- I must admit that I was quite taken aback. Evidently there is honor among dolts.

I’m genuinely impressed by how enjoyable it is in this book to be party to Garak’s inner voice. It’s so fun in here, among all the horrors.

- Nine approached me as I sat alone in our quarters reading the first part of Cylon Pareg’s Eternal Stranger, a saga spanning several generations of a Cardassian family during the early and middle Union.

*whisper of agonized affection* between this and his happy place being studying wormhole theory… he’s such a little nerd.

Nine swallowed again, an even more bitter taste, and marched off to a life of diminishing returns.

LMAO burn. And, as we shall see, not necessarily inaccurate.

- As I walked away I heard the custodian ask Tarnal what it was I had done to deserve this punishment.

“Nobody told me. But I know he’s got a mouth on him,” Tarnal replied.

The more things change I guess fdhsakja. Known across the school for being a) a sneaky lil bastard and b) never ever shutting the fuck up when he really really should

- “And you have to use that wonderful smile of yours more often, Elim.”

“What’s that got to do with listening?” That was the subject, and Palandine had typically made a jump in logic I couldn’t follow. She also forgot that I was a Cardassian male and smiling was not one of our strong features.

“If they feel comfortable with you, people will tell you stories about themselves that will reveal their deepest secrets.”

“But what if the stories aren’t true?” I challenged. “I could smile till my cheeks hurt, and you could tell me any kind of story you wanted—and what would I know about you except what you invented?”

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted.

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not? Because it’s not what you believe? Or it doesn’t fit a definition of the truth that someone taught you? Look at people, Elim.” Palandine gestured as if the enclosure were filled with people. “Observe them. The way they walk and talk, the way they hold themselves and eat their meals. That’s what they believe about themselves. Is it the ‘truth’? Are they really that way? I don’t know. Perhaps it is a lie. But what people lie about the most are themselves, and these lies become the stories they believe and want to tell you.”

“As long as I’m smiling,” I mumbled.

. . .

“Truth, as we’ve learned to define it, is not only overrated,” she went on with a controlled passion, “it’s designed to keep people in the dark.”

This last statement stopped me.

“You mean the way we’ve been taught?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“What about our government?”

“They tell us the stories that we need to know in order to be good citizens,” she replied carefully.

“They don’t tell us the truth, is what you’re saying,” I concluded.

“There you go again. They tell us their truth, Elim, and we are here to learn how to listen.”

. . .

“Let the ones without power scowl and make fierce faces.You smile. It’s an invitation to connect with another person. And once the invitation is accepted, relax and listen … you’ll come to know as much as you’ll ever need to about that person,” she said with a smile that I greedily accepted.

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted.

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not?”

SO when I was saying he’s taking Palandine’s place in this dynamic with Julian early on I was not kidding and I was not wrong hahaha. And it’s also what this entire book is, in the end. Trusting Julian to ‘truly listen’ to the story under the stories is maybe the biggest show of trust and vulnerability Garak could ever extend to anyone. Extremely The Wire-core once more.

The idea that tiny Garak was too outwardly glum and serious is. Amazing and brainbreaking. People feeling uncomfortable under his gaze b/c he’ll just like scowl distrustfully at them. Palandine I don’t know if you fixed him or made him worse but you certainly did something fundamental to him and committed him to the bit and for that I cannot thank you enough

- I no longer had Palandine to myself—but surprisingly, I didn’t mind, in fact I was pleased that Charaban was here. His stillness, like everything else about him, had grace and strength. I sneaked another look in his direction and marveled that this was the same person I had first encountered in the storeroom. He returned my look, and in the next few moments a bond grew between us that I had never thought possible.

You know if Barkan was really smart or had the capacity for extended self-control he would have just kept stringing Garak along as the third in his disastrous marriage. Garak is used to subsisting on the merest scraps of affection and consideration, you’d barely even have to feed him. (Ala Daisuke Jigen with many an evil ex, for the Lupinheads out there lol) A threesome here and there and maybe gently stroking his hair afterwards and you’d have him for life, probably. Alas or perhaps thankfully Barkan is ultimately just an asshole and not that smart.

- A Bolian client came down the steps outside the door and was about to enter the shop, but for some reason he stopped at the threshold. He looked at us, turned, and went back the way he came.

LMAO that guy was like ‘something really fraught and homosexual is going on here and that is frankly none of my business, as you were gentlemen don’t mind me.’ A real ally and a bro.

“I’m keeping you from your business.” Bashir stood up. “I won’t take up any more of your time.”

“I’m pleased you stopped by.” I was about to escort him to the door.

“No, you’re not,” he said quietly.

“Excuse me?”

“Garak, I come from a culture that has perfected the ‘stiff upper lip,’” he explained with the same faint smile.

“What does that mean?” It was a genuine question; there was a change in his attitude.

“It means that we never complain, never admit to our feelings, never ask for help. It’s just not done,” Bashir explained. “And those people who lack character’ and insist on airing their needs—especially in public—are subject to ridicule… and worse. Does this sound familiar?”

“Perhaps,” I replied softly.

“But I’m also a doctor, Garak. And I know which group of people suffers the most. I really won’t take up any more of your time.” He extended his hand, which he rarely did, and I took it. “Thank you for the tea.” He turned and went out the door.

I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. Yes, Doctor, it does sound familiar. But as to the question of which group suffers the most…

. . .

After Charaban’s betrayal I became as withdrawn and solitary as I had been when I first came to the Institute. I tried to spend time with Palandine, but it never quite worked out; between her regular duties and the recruitment and planning for the female Competition, she had little time for anything else. But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

1) Going NUTS over the fact that these are separated by ONE paragraph. Andy Robinson staring directly into the camera making parallels between the main love interests in this book like ‘Am I making myself clear here. Do you get it yet’. Also really interesting to make this relationship pattern a, well, pattern in Garak’s life, and not a unique element of his and Bashir’s thing (which Doylistically was basically a byproduct of cowardly 90s standards for tv writing more than anything else lol)

2) But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

The Palandine/Bashir parallel train barrels on, scoring a deep trail of heartache into my soul. Also in that case it’s so sad because he really hasn’t done anything wrong or anything to be ashamed of, Barkan and Palandine are the ones who fucked him over :’(

3) I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. + Tolan’s grief at seeing Garak after Bamorren: “He’s hard, Mila,” Father said. . . . “But to the point where he’s unreachable?” Father asked. “Where nothing penetrates? How can he express even his basic needs if he’s trapped inside a shell?” + Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?...........................................................................

4) More proof to my eyes that Julian’s side of this whole thing seems to be more about thinking Garak doesn’t actually want him to be there. He doesn’t think he’s welcome here or that he’ll be able to help more than he hurts with whatever’s going on for him. ‘I really won’t take up any more of your time’ AUGH

Garak buddy… every time he tries to get closer to you or extend some care, you bristle like a hedgehog even though you’re trying to do it in as polite and decent a way as possible — what is the poor guy supposed to think beyond a certain point lmao. (Though on the hopeful/beautiful side… what is this entire book but Garak actually taking the advice/suggestion Bashir gives in this scene to reexperience his past and put it in context — not in the holosuites, but in his own way by writing it all out in a way that makes sense to his Cardassian brain and then sharing that with Julian directly. Like. The last line of the book is ‘You’re always welcome, Doctor’. Elim ‘I will become emotionally healthy enough to ask Julian to come visit with an open heart if it fucking kills me’ Garak)

I’m so soft for how careful they both are with each other in this scene, though. Even in this difficult place where there’s stuff they don’t understand about each other and they are having difficulty connecting for… several reasons, they are trying so so hard to be good to each other. Which is why I think they have every chance of working out brilliantly long-term; once you’ve got a mutual respect, willingness to keep working to understand and communicate with each other even when it’s difficult, and that fundamental ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ good faith in a relationship you’re a good chunk of the way there, from what I have observed.

Julian cares that Garak was upset, much more than he cares about being right, and this time he shows it in a more private setting where Garak can take it in. They’re trying!

5) The implication in But as to the question of which group suffers the most… that Garak also realizes how much he’s hurting Julian by not being able to let him in…

Most of all the fact that Bashir in this scene is like ‘Listen Garak I get emotional repression. I’m literally British.’ is one of the funniest things that happen in the whole book. To me. (I’m Norwegian, culturally this has. Some overlap with my experience, let’s say lol)

- Six had long since gone home. He wanted to succeed so badly, but his body couldn’t withstand the constant assault of the training. I’m sure he found an academic situation.

Oh thank GOD. Genuinely so relieved to hear this. This is how many times a nerd boy must pass out before he rests in the sand and gets to go to normal university instead of murderschool, the question is finally answered.

- Tain has shown up again and I want to throw rocks at him until he goes away. And I know he won’t.

- My shed has become somewhat more bearable, but the clutter and confinement of the interior space requires that I leave the door open. To keep myself busy when I’m not working with the med unit, Doctor, I am engaged in a project I must tell you about. It baffles me. Perhaps you can tell me if I’m losing my mind altogether.

. . .

[Parmak] turned to me with the strangest expression on his face—and looked me directly in the eyes for the first time.

AUGH. (Plus, the fact that Parmak consistently calls him ‘Elim’.)

But what baffles me, Doctor, is that I attach no meaning to what I’m doing here. I’m just doing it because I need to. And to be truthful, I don’t see this as a memorial at all. On the contrary—if I could, I’d singlehandedly rebuild this city myself, piece by piece. I stood here watching Parmak’s blood dry on this pile of rubble, engulfed by a feeling of loss and utter mystification as to what these piles mean.

Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor.

This whole section is the biggest mood and I’ve rarely felt closer to a fictional character haha. His quietly dissociated tired bemusement both with himself and what he’s doing and Parmak’s reaction is… yeah that’s exactly what that feels like. And ‘Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor’ has done irreparable damage to my psyche, I’m going to be thinking about this forever

- Palandine gestured that she would deal with me and sent the mate on her way.

“So what did you use me for?” I asked.

“What do we ever use each other for?” she replied without hesitation.

“Answering a question with a question is an old trick, Palandine.”

“No trick. I needed a friend.”

“And you don’t need a friend now” I hated the tone that was creeping into my voice.

“It’s complicated, Elim.”

I was afraid to ask why.

“What did you use me for?” she asked.

The question truly baffled me. I only wanted her love. Was that using her? I would gladly have given mine in return.

Still gnawing on concrete over Garak partially reenacting Palandine’s way of approaching him with Bashir in the beginning. At that point he also needed a friend (and he needed someone to run to Sisko like ‘THE SPY TALKED TO ME :D’ to deliver intel through so he was also using him lol.) The way Garak picks up traits from the people he loves like he’s doing the soul version of Odo’s shapeshifting-as-closeness thing because it’s the only way he knows.

- “So it’s Eight,” he said, dismissing me from his world.

“I don’t think you understand, Barkan….” Palandine began to say.

“It’s not necessary that he understand,” I dismissed him from my world.

Barkan… you did not understand what you were doing, getting into an emotionally and sexually charged petty-off with this man. RIP your stupid ass I guess lmao

“I wanted to tell you. But when I realized … I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said with a gentleness that rankled me.

“I’m not hurt. Neither one of you can hurt me. I wish you a successful… partnership.”

Palandine is so interesting!!!! And like here’s one of the things that I think make a big difference in Garak’s relationship with Palandine vs. his relationship with Julian — who tells him exactly the same thing in ‘The Wire’, after all! (I don’t want to hurt you) Because Palandine doesn’t really mean it, does she? She doesn’t mean ‘I don’t want you to be hurting, I want to protect you from being harmed’, she means ‘I didn’t want to be the thing that hurt you; I didn’t want to be faced with your hurt’, while she is doing things that will inevitably hurt him. I think there is genuine affection and care on her side, but they’re in such a fucked up, brutal world and they’re so young.

‘I’m not hurt. Who’s hurt’ says teen crying quiet tears of blood as his world falls to pieces

“I love him, Elim. And I’m also ambitious. I want what he wants. You’ll understand this when you find someone to share your….”

Not me wondering how much of this has echoes to Mila’s relationship to Tain and how that’s part of what Garak reacts to — that survival mechanism of ‘I want what he wants’, subsuming and submitting yourself completely. Which of course is what a Cardassian is supposed to do to the state, and that Garak also does with Tain for the vast majority of both of their lives. The worst part is that Palandine really had some reason to hope for more — she and Barkan start out in a more equal position than it’s implied Mila and Tain ever did, that’s always framed as an inter-class thing, and while Palandine’s family situation is not as grand as Barkan’s it doesn’t seem like it crosses the service class/ruling class barrier. But the structure of the state imposed on every level of society right down to the most intimate and personal areas of life is going to crush the life out of that hope real fast. I’m sorry girl. Wanting to have a fighting chance in this world isn’t the worst sin anyone’s committed and tbf you are like a teen by all accounts

- “My name is Elim Garak. I don’t know where I’m being sent, but I hope you’ll remember me as your friend.”

“When I was told today that I was One Lubak, I was honored… and afraid that I’d lose you as a friend. Thank you. My name is Pythas Lok.”

Neither one of us ever took our eyes off Mila, who was still trying to blend into his surroundings.

Crying gently into my cereal

Garak ‘I wasn’t sure I could ever call him a friend’ vs. Pythas ‘Afraid that I’d lose you as a friend’

Something powerful was stirring deep inside me, and I began to shake. Mila snapped his head to the side, the way he does when he senses light or heat change. Convulsive waves pushed up from my center and tears filled my eyes, blinding me. I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. By the time the convulsions subsided and my eyes cleared, Mila had disappeared into the rock-and-sand home he came from.

Absolutely sobbing my eyes out into my cereal

Spoiler warning: Garak having to go somewhere to be alone after something calamitous happens in his life because that’s the only way he can cry is a theme that will reemerge later and do unspeakable emotional damage to me personally haha

As I hiked back to the Institute, I had the thought that maybe somebody was doing the same thing for me and bringing me back home.

No baby you see someone is doing the exact opposite of this to you right now because you have a basic goodness and capacity for real honest love that Tain doesn’t and he’ll never in a million years set you free just because he loves you and it’s the right thing for you

- And Jadzia is gone. The station is a sadder and grayer place without her. I’m surprised at how keenly I feel her absence. Even though I know that her symbiont has been “joined” with another person … well, it’s not the same, is it? Indeed, knowing that Jadzia’s personality is somehow contained along with several others within this other person, I wonder how I would react if we were ever to meet.

The doctor has reminded me that these are personal choices, and it’s not for us to judge how one chooses to mourn. Quite so. Who can even begin to understand another’s grief? “Do you judge people by the clothes they ask you to make?” the doctor asked once. I bit back my response, but the point was well taken.

:’) little soul-healing brush of Julian kindness time

- “What does Tir Remara want with you?” Colonel Kira demanded, ignoring my offer of tea. Immediately an entire picture formed in my head of the scenario her abrupt question suggested: Tir Remara—a spy, perhaps even a changeling, preying upon a lonely Cardassian who was working for the Federation and engaged in top-secret work.

“She wants to have my children,” I replied with a serious look.

“You can’t be serious,” she managed.

“I’m not. Now do you want this tea or not?”

Kira should just have strangled you all those times she wanted to you snarky asshole fhdskja

#a stitch in time #asit #garashir #star trek #star trek ds9 #ds9 #elim garak #The great ASIT first read adventure #<- making that the tag for the rest of the posts!#ds9 meta #well nominally I do SOME analysis between all the keysmashing and nonsense haha #forgive me if I've gotten something wrong in this I've been uh. overexcited! I'm sure I'll be able to think clearly again soon (lying)#julian bashir #I'm not going to tag every char I talk about in this because I do love myself a bit but the good doctor hangs over everything in this book #so he gets his own tag #maybe I'll come back and get them all for book keeping purposes eventually but nOT tonight

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yakuzacanons · 5 months

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Greetings! Ishin! Request time! Having a secret date night during Tanabata festival with Okita Soji, Nagakura Shinpachi and, if possible, Todo Heisuke 🌸 🎐 🍡 Thank you!

Oooo Ishin time. I had to do some research on the festival first as I didn't know much about it and it was quite fascinating. Headcanons below da cut, thanks again for ur patience while I recover from da sickness.

Okita Soji (Majima Goro)

Out of all the Shinsengumi, Okita is the king of sneaking out. Also the king of sneaking people in, honestly. It doesn't matter how many times he does it, he gets a kick out it each time. It's baffling that he doesn't ever get caught given how giggly it all makes him.

Okita would rather die than miss out on a festival date, especially a secret one when he's actually supposed to be at Shinsengumi headquarters sleeping like a respectable commanding officer. He practically came flying over the fence, his coat fluttering in the wind and his eye wild with anticipation.

He intends to make the most of the night with you so you guys will be doing a little bit of everything. Okita's the kind of guy who wants to drink in the sights, sounds, and smells. No carnival game is too childish for him to try, no drink shall be turned down.

He pretends to not care here nor there about the wish writing tradition but secretly he actually does hope his wish comes true. Type of guy to make a big deal out of making sure you don't see what wish he writes only to turn around and immediately say something like "So whaddya write on your wish?".

Okita's energy during the festival is bursting, almost fox-like. He's eager to do it all but he's by no means rushing you. You'll return to the outskirts of the Shinsengumi headquarters before daybreak, your stomach and heart equally full. He'll give you a swift kiss before bounding over the wall and slipping away into the morning.

Nagakura Shinpachi (Saejima Taiga)

Unlike his sworn brother, he's not one for dramatically scaling the walls. He'll simply slip out of a side door during a changing of the guard. His movements and initial greetings are nearly silent but the further the two of you get from the headquarters and the closer you get to the festival, he becomes more lively.

Nagakura is quite reverent of festivals and never forgets any of the traditions. If you've never been before, he's the perfect guide and will make sure you have the best experience. What he enjoys most is just the feeling of being in the crowd, just another normal guy in the festival and not a Shinsengumi officer on duty.

He has his own kind of rhythm during the festival: first a bite to eat and a drink, then a couple of games, and once he's a little more sober, wish writing. His pace is easy going but steady, his smile laidback but sincere.

During wish writing, it's quite adorable to see the hulking silhouette of Nagakura hunched over a small piece of paper, writing intently. The two of you will hang your wishes from the bamboo tree with smiles on your faces.

Always a gentleman, Nagakura will walk you home before heading back to headquarters. He'll press a tender kiss against your forehead before turning away and walking briskly back to headquarters, the rising sun starting to shine against his back.

Todo Heisuke (Tianyou Zhao)

By the time you arrive at the Shinsengumi headquarter, Todo is already standing outside leaning against a wall, casually waiting. It's not that you're late; he was just excited to see you and slipped out early to wait for you. He greets you with a casual wave and smile.

Out of all the boys, he dresses the most festively. His outfit was carefully selected a few days in advance, but he wouldn't actually admit that he was THAT excited about it. He blends in perfectly with the colorful decorations.

Always a sucker for a tasty meal, Todo's first and primary goal is to get something tasty from a food stall. He loves nothing more than sharing a special meal with you. It's all his treat, of course. He shows love with food.

Will participate in carnival games if asked but mostly likes to sit back and watch the chaos of the young kids playing. His vibe is the most chill and the least chaotic. He treats the wish writing tradition with great reverence, saying things like "We get one wish, so let's make it count, okay?".

He'd walk you home, taking the long route back as he wants to spend as much time with you as possible and he doesn't really want the night to end. He leaves you with a kiss on the cheek and a tight hug, waiting to make sure you get inside okay. If you look out your window, you'll see him waving goodbye with a smile on his face before turning and walking away with a spring in his step.

#majima megaphone moment #yakuza #yakuza headcanons #yakuza imagines #ryu ga gotoku #ryu ga gotoku headcanons #ryu ga gotoku imagines #goro majima #majima goro #saejima taiga #zhao tianyou #tianyou zhao #todo heisuke #nagakura shinpachi #okita soji #ryu ga gotoku ishin #ishin

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marukrawler · 1 year

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The essay about Baron's age that nobody asked for <3

Introduction

Baron’s age has confused viewers for many years, probably ever since New Vestroia aired in 2009. When it comes to the English dub, Baron’s physique and prepubescent voice leave many baffled and scrambling for some kind of in-universe explanation as to why he looks like a young adult but sounds like a preteen. Because of this strange phenomenon, many people speculate that Vestals may develop at a faster rate than humans and being 12 is the Vestal equivalent to being in your late teens.

But what if I told you that the more likely explanation is that the English dub simply made Baron younger than originally intended, and wrote him to be more childish than how he was originally portrayed? I will go into further detail below the reasons why I believe that to be the case.

Age altering in BB.

My claim that Baron’s age has been altered can be supported by the ages given by the official Japanese website for the first season[1].

While the ages haven’t been dramatically changed, it still shows that the English version altered their ages. And considering how the English dub is known for making countless changes in the original script (Baron also had his last name changed from Rich to Leltoy), it stands to reason that Baron’s age was also among one of them.

Physical appearance and voice.

At first glance, Baron is thought to be around 16-18 years old based off his character design alone, and understandably so. Baron is the tallest and most muscular member of the Resistance, and his voice in the Japanese dub is deeper than his English counterpart. If Baron was intentionally being written as more immature and childish because he’s 12 in the English dub, naturally his voice would reflect that.

Designated driver.

Baron is the only person shown to drive the Resistance base (with the exception of Ace who drove it one time while Baron was absent. Ace' driving skills are alright but there was an instance were he wasn't driving properly lol) If we take Japanese laws into consideration, it would mean that Baron is at least 18 years of age for him to be able to drive[2]. Mira being 16 and driving a motorcycle would also be in accordance with Japanese legislation [2], as well as Fabia being 16 and engaged to be married (the legal age of marriage for girls in Japan used to be 16 before 2022 [3].)

Baron’s plans to move out.

In S2EP28 it’s revealed that Baron intends to move out of his parents’ house. Unfortunately, you’ll get different versions of this storyline depending on which dub you're watching. In the Japanese dub, Baron doesn’t hide from his family members the fact that he’s going to move out soon, and it’s entirely his own decision (not influenced by Ace in the slightest.) His reasons are that his household is too cramped with people but also that he wishes to be independent. According to his father, Baron had announced his plans to move out before his youngest sibling had been born which means that Baron has wanted to move out for quite some time.

Baron: 気持ちはうれしいですけど、シャーマンも進化したことだし、俺も早く一人前になりたいし -> “I appreciate their concern, but you’ve [Shaman] evolved and I want to become an adult as soon as possible.”[4]

Where 一人前 means “full-fledged-person, an adult, etc.”

Baron: 俺もそろそろ自立する年頃っすよ! -> “I’m old enough to be independent!”[4]

Where 年頃 means “appropriate age, age of maturity, adulthood, etc.”

If Baron's words are to be taken at face value, he's essentially stating that he's either around or at the age where one is considered an adult in Vestal society. Now, since we have no reason to believe that Vestals have different ages of maturity compared to humans (because it's not stated anywhere in canon) I’ll once again look to Japanese society for when it's common for young adults to move out. There is a 2020 online survey that asked Japanese men and women from the age of 15-59 when they moved out of their parents’ house, and it seems the most popular answer was 18-19 years old [5].

Which again suggests that Baron could, at the very least, be 18 years old.

Change in dialogue between the JPN/ENG dub.

I’ve mentioned before that Baron appears more childish in the English dub compared to the original. While Baron is undoubtedly intended to be comedic relief – especially when it comes to his admiration of the Battle Brawlers – I still believe he acts even sillier in the English dub than warranted, and so I want to compare some scenes to showcase how it affects the overall reading of his character.

Baron is seen as a dependable figure by Shaman in the original dub, whereas the English dub makes it seem as if he needs a caretaker[6]. Baron is shown to have made his own decision regarding moving out where in the English dub, he is heavily influenced by Ace and Percival who tell him to grow up. Baron also seems to have an interest in girls, but that observation can no longer be made in the English dub, as the context has been replaced with a barf joke[7].

Honorifics.

In the Japanese version, Baron refers to the Brawlers as his senpais (seniors) but does not use the same honorific for Mira and Ace. That is because he looks up to the original Battle Brawlers as his heroes since they're the six new Legendary Warriors and prevented the destruction of Vestroia. Regardless of their ages, the Brawlers still outrank Baron in terms of experience because of their past feats. The fact that Baron doesn't address Mira and Ace in a similar manner implies that all three of them are on the same level in terms of their brawling skills. If his usage of that honorific was to reflect the fact that he is the youngest and most inexperienced member of the group (as Baron's English wikia description says,) he would also be calling Mira and Ace his senpais or something similar, but he doesn’t.

These screenshots are from MP100 where an older coworker calls Mob his senpai because Mob has worked at their agency for longer and has more work experience. Similarly, Baron can still be considered older despite seeking guidance from those younger than him.

Manner of speech.

This senpai-kouhai dynamic is also reflected in Baron’s speech pattern known as “kōhai kuchō” or junior tone. It’s a way of speaking that is casual but still polite enough to use one with one’s senpai. It’s generally discouraged to use in formal settings but has grown popular among young men, especially in sports clubs. This may explain Baron’s physique considering his way of speaking is typically associated with athleticism in real life[8].

Final words.

Baron Rich is a character whose age has been a mystery to many viewers of the show, prompting the fandom to give their own headcanons for why he looks so much older than his age.

My hypothesis is that because the English dub team saw Baron as the "Battle Brawlers fanboy," his age and dialogue needed to fit that image better. Sadly, they seemed to not have taken into account that Baron is a young adult who had plans to move out later on in the story. This wouldn't be the first time the English dub lacked foresight when it came to their writing decisions — as they also made a blunder when it came to Shiori's death and Shun’s relationship with his grandfather — and it also would not be the last (Plitheon turning against Jesse in S3 only for them to magically became friends again.)

I believe that Baron was intentionally made younger by the English dub, and the plethora of changes to the story between the JPN and ENG dub clearly speaks in favor of this assumption. Thanks for coming to my TED talk!!

Sources

[1] (BB ages) https://web.archive.org/web/20160323210158/http://ani.tv/bakugan/

[2] (Legal ages in Japan) https://blog.japanwondertravel.com/legal-ages-in-japan-33502#toc1

[3] (Legal marrying age in Japan) https://www.moj.go.jp/EN/MINJI/minji07_00218.html

[4] Bakugan New Vestroia episode 28

[5] (2020 Online survey about moving out in Japan) https://lineresearch-platform.blog.jp/archives/36123670.html

[6] Bakugan New Vestroia episode 19

[7] Bakugan New Vestroia episode 12

[8] (Junior tone) https://www.reddit.com/r/LearnJapanese/comments/2e7i3g/when_is_it_appropriate_to_use_the_%E3%81%A3%E3%81%99_form/

https://cotoacademy.com/how-to-say-use-japanese-slang-wakamonokotoba-%E8%8B%A5%E8%80%85%E8%A8%80%E8%91%89/

https://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E3%80%8C%E3%81%A3%E3%81%99%E3%80%8D%E4%BD%93

#bakugan #baron leltoy #baron rich #its been a long time coming #meta

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blackjackkent · 9 days

Text

The guards inside the creche entrance round on them with startling rapidity the moment they show their faces.

"Sentries! To arms!" one of them snaps. Her eyes fix on Rakha in a sharp glare like that which she has often seen in Lae'zel's expression. "Istik. State your purpose - quickly."

"Stand down, gish," Lae'zel snaps back, equally sharp. "Is it not Vlaakith's command to welcome her faithful?"

"I expected no visitors, faithful or otherwise," the guard says coolly. "Why have you come?"

Rakha's eyes narrow warily. The antagonistic tone sends a flicker of irritation through her, something that could easily spiral into something more. But for Lae'zel's sake, she keeps her tone even with an effort of will. "I was infected by an illithid," she says. Little point in dancing around the subject; Lae'zel has made it clear that this is something the gith know of already - along with how to deal with it. "And was told to seek a githyanki creche."

She waits for the gish to direct them - but instead, the other woman's eyes widen and her mouth sets in a thin line.

"You are infected?" She spits the word out like a curse. "A ghaik thrall is something to eradicate, not reason with."

Her hand is already going towards her sword, and Rakha feels her pulse start to thump in her temple with the sense of impending battle. But Lae'zel's voice cuts across the moment, shattering it.

"The faithful may be purified!" she snaps. "This is Vlaakith's protocol!"

(A/N: I remember being a little baffled by this on my first playthrough - that Lae'zel seems so confident about this while it seems like literally every other githyanki clearly already knows the score. It makes sense for Voss to be like 'nah actually you're gonna die' - he's already rebelling against Vlaakith - but even this random guard goes straight past the cleansing concept and straight to 'time to eradicate this thrall.'

I find it kind of interesting tbh.

On the one hand - clearly this is partly a manifestation of how young Lae'zel is under all that confidence. The implication seems to be that yeah, it's hammered into you in your training that you need to report to a ghustil and get "purified" if you're ever infected, but that once you're actually out on duty it becomes an open secret that "purification" is just another word for death; Lae'zel just didn't happen to get that far before the nautiloid picked her up.

However - this leads to other questions. How are there not more rebels, if it's common to reach a point where you realize the purification lie is nonsense? What is the party line within these more adult units? Alternatively - is K'liir unique (and uniquely cruel) in framing it as a salvation, and every other creche treats it like a necessary sacrifice on behalf of the greater group?

IDK, I'm getting rambly here but it's intriguing to ponder. The whole creche sequence, if I'm honest, isn't always entirely clear in its writing, but if some of the minor holes are extrapolated I think it gets kind of interesting. :D )

The guard stares at Lae'zel for a long moment, reading her expression very carefully. Then she nods slowly, her lip curling with evident disdain. "Chk. Fine. Let the ghustil carry out your fate. Report to the infirmary at once."

Her eyes move over Rakha and the others briefly, then back to Lae'zel. "And step carefully. Creche Y'llek watches you."

-----

"She did not expect us to request purification," Rakha mutters matter-of-factly as they walk on further into the creche.

"I know," Lae'zel says curtly.

"You said it was a protocol. A standard procedure."

"It is," Lae'zel hisses. "That she did not honor it is no fault of mine."

"Voss also did not."

"Voss is a traitor. Should I find him again, I shall feed him pieces of his own skull."

Rakha tries hard to ignore the way the beast in her head shivers at this mental image. "But why do they deny it?"

"I don't know!" Lae'zel snaps at her; her voice whips out like a weapon, sharp as the blade on her back. "These inane questions serve nothing. Let us find the ghustil and finish matters."

#bjk plays bg3 durge #rakha the dark urge #bjk writes her own party banter #poor lae'zel is trying so hard and the whole thing just comes crashing down around her ears #and rakha is trying so hard to *believe* her and *trust* her and everyone's going to get bitten as a result #solid tragedy lol

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ozzgin · 9 months

Text

[Baki Masterlist]

Yandere! Kaiou Retsu x Artist! Reader

You open the door to the Shinshinkai Dojo and greet some of the men in the hall with a nod.

"You're here earlier than usual." One of them comments as you pass by.

"Yeah, the last lecture was cancelled and I had no other plans", you respond with a smile.

"You know it's getting serious when your free time is turned into training time. That's how it was for me!" the man lets out a hearty laugh.

"No way, I'm not made for this." You wave your hand in dismissal. "I'm just going with the flow and seeing where that takes me."

You go on your way, ruminating over the brief exchange. It's been a few months since you began taking karate lessons at the Dojo. You still remember Katsumi's perplexed expression as you stood before him, handing over the sign up papers.

"A-are you sure? The sparring can get quite rough and you're... well... uh..."

"You advertise it as perfect for self defense. Who needs it more, the buff pal over there or this short college student that can't even sketch in the park without being harassed by perverts?"

You slap the papers on the table with a loud thud. The man blushes slightly, realizing the irony.

"I apologize. You're entirely right." He scans over the form. "Evening classes. That's when I teach, actually! Looking forward to seeing you, then."

After the first few weeks of mostly standard workout in order to build stamina, you started learning the basics. Katsumi was greatly surprised and equally impressed by your unexpected skill. Turns out you weren't half bad at this! And so he suggested you show up more often, because he wanted to see how your newly discovered talent would develop in time.

As thankful as you are for his support, you find the whole ordeal rather funny. You don't have any intention of becoming some professional fighter. You're an artist and plan to remain one for the indefinite future. The little karate hobby serves as your dose of healthy activity and as the occasional inspiration, since you particularly enjoy recreating the human body and its intricacies on paper or in clay.

"Oh, (Y/N)!" Katsumi spots you and gestures for you to come over. Your nostalgic daydreaming has been interrupted. "Remember when I said that it helps to expand your knowledge? I have just the person for that." He places a hand on your back and guides you further into one of the main rooms.

"Here she is, Retsu-san. You might not believe it at first, neither did I, but I guarantee you she has a lot of potential."

You bow slightly to the stranger in front of you and he silently returns the gesture. He seems mildly awkward about the encounter.

"I'm sorry, I don't think I follow. What is this about?" you ask, somewhat confused. The deep stare of the long haired man intimidates you, so you avoid it by throwing quick glances at Katsumi instead.

"Would you be interested in learning Chinese Kenpo? This is Kaiou Retsu. He'll be joining us at the Dojo for a while. I thought you could use some variety."

"Shouldn't you be asking him if he's willing to teach rookies like me?" you wonder if this poor man had his services offered against his will.

"It is my great pleasure to spread the knowledge of this ancient art. I only ask that you treat it with respect and don't take it lightly." Retsu straightens his back and looks ahead, in no particular direction.

Ah, how embarrassing. He can't even look at her properly. He wishes he could drag Katsumi out in the hallway and whack some common sense into him. The least he could've done was to let him know who to expect.

Obviously he's seen women before. He's been out of the temple for a long time now. So why is he acting so strange all of a sudden? Katsumi was very secretive about his new favorite student and refused to give him any details besides "you won't regret it". He anticipated anything but this. He's especially baffled at his own reaction meeting (Y/N).

All he can do now is to pray that he isn't so obvious in just how flustered this woman has gotten him. He wonders if Katsumi went through the same nervousness when he first met you. He secretly peeks at the young man and notices how relaxed he seems to be next to you. Yeah, perhaps he just needs a little time. Then he can treat you with the same confidence, too.

***

"What matters the most here is actually the placement of the foot. If it's slightly tilted the wrong way, you lose all support and everything else falls apart. A good kick needs an equally good grounding."

Retsu is in his comfort zone. For a mere moment, he can forget his audience and focus on his technique. This is what he does best. Still concentrated, he unbuttons his shirt and throws it aside, as this is how he usually fights.

"Find the weak point depending on your opponent's stance, and quickly make your move before they've got it figured out."

He demonstrates the attack, followed by a few skillful jumps as he returns to his initial spot. He checks to see if you've been following his instructions, a prideful smile plastered on his face. Your eyes are wide, mouth slightly open in shameless marvel. His smile immediately vanishes and is replaced by an embarrassed frown. Why are you looking at him like that? It's one of the most basic moves he can think of.

You suddenly clap your hands together and lower your head in a begging posture. The way his body bends and folds in such a fluid, continuous way, the way his muscles contract rhythmically in a calculated vigor... This man is not only a master of martial arts, but your newly found muse.

"Please excuse my rudeness, but I really can't think of a better way to put it. Might I be allowed to sketch you during your training? I really wish I could capture your artistry."

You shyly glance up, worried you may have angered the Chinese man. He's covering his face with one hand and you tense up, unsure of how to proceed. Should you apologize? Then you manage to discern the deep blush that's taken over his face.

He must calm down at once. He's inhaling deeply, attempting to regulate his breathing. He can feel the vibration of his heart slamming into his chest at great speed. Truly, how happy your words made him. And this brings him to the abrupt realization that he will never be like Katsumi around you.

It's been a little under a month since he's met you, and the slightest interaction coming from you makes his whole composure collapse into shambles. All the feelings and thoughts are now avalanching over, burying him and making him unable to let a single word out. It could very well be that he's in love with you, but it's a frightful, rabid adoration that trickles out of his grasp, as if it could escape from his control at any moment. It's a terrifying discovery for someone that so values their discipline.

"If it's too troublesome, you can forget about it. I got too excited. To be honest, I've been using you as a reference for some time now, but it felt wrong not to tell you about it."

You crouch down to your backpack and hesitantly pull out a notebook with pages sticking out. You peel open the covers and spread some of the papers onto the ground, for a better view.

Retsu squats down with you and gazes over the detailed pencil works, partly distracted. He'd appreciate your anatomical accuracy if it wasn't for his presently feverish state. He places your hands between his and analyzes them. What a difference. Dainty, fragile and yet powerful enough to win Katsumi's respect. Nonetheless of insignificant size compared to his large, calloused and weathered palms. To think that you've been watching him the same way he's been watching you all this time. Perhaps for somewhat different reasons. How would you react if you knew? What would you think of someone like him?

"Umm..." you swallow dryly as you attempt to break the silence. You can almost hear a faint ringing in your ears.

What if you were to reject his confession? It wouldn't be the first time he's faced defeat. Retsu is however unsure if he'd be willing to accept it this time. He looks at you with newly found resolve. No matter what, he'll do what it takes to become a man worthy of your love. If only he could remain your inspiration forever.

#baki #baki the grappler #retsu kaioh #baki x reader #kaiou retsu #retsu x reader #yandere #yandere baki

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stanwixbuster · 11 months

Text

A Narrative Designer Dissects Generation Loss

(And Further Thoughts on Dollhouse-like Streams)

I keep saying how Jerma's ushered in an entirely new narrative medium and no-one's believed me.

This has been stewing in my mind for months. Ever since watching The Dollhouse Stream while going through a bout of just-got-my-second-covid-shot fever, one thought has carved itself on the inside of my skull. It is something I truly believe, and am baffled that more people aren't talking about.

Livestreams are evolving into an interactive narrative artform.

Generation Loss has only cemented this for me.

This is something I will keep yelling from the rooftops until my throat is sore, and this essay is my desperate attempt to get other people to start paying attention to interactive livestreams.

Livestreams as a Medium

By definition, a livestream is anything broadcast over the internet to a live audience. Over time this has generally fallen into a standard format thanks to the community of livestreaming centred around Twitch, of a livestreamer playing a video game with a live chat engaging in the experience in some capacity. This is to the point that someone who describes themselves as a "streamer" will come with the assumption that they play games for a live audience.

However, this is a flexible format, and doing out-of-the-box livestreams is nothing new. Stream team Radio TV Solutions are infamous for putting on weird, absurdist, and even genre-bending takes on playing games for audience entertainment. Some of their streams can be likened more to a live broadcast show, rather than a simple "gaming stream".

But, what we're focusing on here are interactive livestreams, and not just streamers taking an interesting spin on the format. Such examples are the likes of Charborg, presenting his chat with a question, with individual members voting on a response, to then be dragged at random into a literal court of opinion to debate the reason for their choice. He puts his audience directly in control of the stream and its direction, with both streamer and chatter having to "roleplay" into the experience.

Interactive livestreams even extend beyond Twitch's roots of gaming content. Alistair Aitcheson is known for his interactive art streams, where he creates paintings with direct input from the audience watching. Here, the audience decides what Alistair should do and how he should do it, whether that be drawing a black cat, only being allowed to paint with his elbows, or using mayonnaise as a pigment.

But, by far, the most famous player in this space is streamer and former TF2 creator (of which, as someone who's been a fan of his since 2012, am shocked that more people don't know) Jerma985. Over time, Jerma has become known for his "big streams", where he will do anything from broadcasting a fake family dinner where everyone but Jerma is an actor that have never met each other, to digging up rocks in the Nevada desert in collaboration with a local science institution, to organising an entire baseball game of half actors and half actual athletes, complete with a full live commentary.

In 2019, Jerma broadcast "The Carnival Stream", a defining work for interactive livestreams. Jerma played the role of a ringmaster, bringing his chat around various carnival games that could be played with Twitch chat-powered robots. Almost immediately it became a sensation, and put Jerma down as one of the most innovative livestreamers to date. It was something Twitch had never seen before. Truly, no-one was doing it like Jerma.

At this point, livestreams are a medium that are going through radical innovations. People are doing interesting things with the concept, experimenting with what you can and can't do, and pushing them into new and fascinating directions of entertainment.

How do you turn entertainment into an artform?

The Impact of the Dollhouse Stream

During my undergraduate, my professor told me one thing I've held dear to my ethos ever since. Discussing the ways narratives are woven into video games, he said:

"The difference between a toy and art, is that art is able to tell a story."

It's a measurement that's never failed me. Everytime I've looked at something, and wondered if I could call it art, I remember this. Art is made through narrative. And one thing I'm always fascinated by, is if a medium can tell a narrative uniquely compared to others. I develop games fulltime, and both my studio and solo projects are focused on how to most effectively tell a story through whatever means it finds itself in. Interactive narrative experiences are something I hold very dear.

When Jerma announced "The Dollhouse Stream" to broadcast in 2021, the hype was electric. By now Jerma's big streams had become an internet sensation, even to the point of being affectionately dubbed "The Superbowl for the gays". With the only information on the stream being something influenced by The Sims, taking place over three individual broadcasts, tens and thousands of viewers tuned in to watch.

What we saw was, I truly believe, the beginning of livestreaming turning into an artform.

The Dollhouse Stream took interactive livestreams in ways that have never been seen before, and it's an absolute marvel that it exists at all. It was brilliant, hilarious, and absolutely groundbreaking.

And, there was a plot.

It was a loose plot, and just served as a way to funnel more shenanigans on screen, but it existed and fulfilled the exact purpose it was set out to do. There were defined beats, a set way it was going to end, and the interactive elements were giving a unique experience on how we'd get there.

This is where I felt my fixation latch. This could be a new narrative medium.

I prayed, and hoped, this was just the beginning of streams like this.

An Analysis of Generation Loss as an Interactive Narrative

(And Other Parts that Caught my Attention)

Disclaimer: Any critiques in this section are given entirely in good faith, and have no bearing on the immense amounts of work by those who worked on Generation Loss. This comes from me believing with my whole heart that interactive livestreams could, and should, be judged as an artform, and thus subject to the same level of critical analysis.

My prayers for more were answered when Generation Loss was announced as a "live interactive horror show". I decided to go into the stream blind, for better or worse, only knowing that the stream was based around horror, and almost certainly would be set in its own self-contained narrative. There was supplementary media around it to hype the stream up and flesh out the story around it, but I wanted to see how well this could stand on its own, and if interactive livestreams really could be the new narrative medium I was hoping they were.

Episode One

was absolutely not what I was expecting.

The tonal whiplash I felt on realising this was being played as a comedy is not something I'm quite able to describe.

This doesn't make it bad; far from it. In retrospect it's a perfect intro to the slow descent from light-hearted comedy romp that's almost self-aware into a serious psychological horror.

Being familiar with The Dollhouse Stream, the structure is almost identical, with an audience presented with a choice, going to a timed vote, and having the choice with the highest percentage play out in whatever ways it might. Between beats of the audience picking a choice and seeing its consequences, the downtime is filled with the streamers reacting to the choices, shooting the shit, or guiding the stream through scripted plot beats.

But Generation Loss takes it in a slightly different direction. The Dollhouse Stream is based on life simulation games, with the audience trying to keep Jerma alive (or, most of the time, deliberately starving or exhausting him to see what would happen), earning money to buy furniture, upgrading the house, and sitting back to watch the chaos they've inspired.

Generation Loss, however, commits to the theme of an adventure game. Ranboo wakes up in a cabin, realises they're stuck in there, and we're presented with the first choice of picking somewhere to investigate, and later learning that we have an inventory. There's no objective, beyond a vague semblance of knowing we need to get out, and having to explore to find out what we're supposed to do. As the audience we have direct control over his actions, and decide where Ranboo should search next, guide him through various puzzles, and help him out of precarious situations.

Once I settled into what I was watching, the stream was great. It kept up the pace, everyone was hilarious, played into its cheese, and was a solid take on an interactive livestream.

But, the one thing I was hoping for wasn't there, with interactivity that was played with in interesting manners. It was fairly obvious that every choice would lead us to the same, if not a similar outcome. With The Dollhouse Stream, Jerma choosing to flirt with someone rather than simply talking to them could have huge impacts on where the day-to-day plot would go, and how everyone else responded to it in turn.

After some thought, I settled on this being episode one. Something new could be coming in the future, and there was no way the advertising banked this hard into horror to just be a simple comedy setup. This episode was a great start, made good use of interactive livestreams as a medium, and made me cautiously optimistic for the rest of the series.

Episode Two

Starting episode two, it took me all of three seconds to recognise the Saw inspiration and know exactly who would be behind it.

For those who haven't been following Jerma for long enough to cause permanent damage to your psyche, Jerma has an ongoing joke of putting on an audio filter and speaking like Jigsaw, running through bizarre or entirely mundane takes on Saw traps. This all stemmed from one House Flipper stream, which quickly spirals into an insistence that the Saw movies have an obsession with neurotoxins and nerve agents, which chat is very quick to disprove, and the legend of GYAS is born.

So as a Jerma fan, witnessing the culmination of a years-long bit, this was fucking hilarious.

But as someone looking to this series as a new narrative direction for interactive livestreams, I started to get a little concerned. It seemed to be hitting much the same points as The Dollhouse Stream, without really pushing into new fields on the narrative side. Perhaps "horror" was mislabeled, and "comedy horror" might have been a more apt description. Critically, maybe the angle I'd like interactive livestreams to be taken in wasn't the intent of this series. It was definitely enjoyable, but maybe I was looking for something that wasn't put there in the first place.

The moment that turned it around was this:

This is when Generation Loss became what I was looking for.

Everything about this moment works spectacularly. Charlie's almost immediate transition from silly jokes about toy racing cars to guttural screaming; the delayed, almost confused reaction from Ranboo; the cut straight back to the jokes, leaving the audience to digest what just happened, alone, with no-one on screen to help us through it.

This simple 10 seconds made the entire episode work. We now have a frame story. What we're seeing isn't reality (and as we later learn, is a literal show), and occasionally we see through the gaps in the curtain. Suddenly, the goofiness can be leant into. We can lean into it as hard as we want; there's no bearing on what's actually happening. Then you're sat there, laughing at streamer shenanigans and jokes, with a subdued sort of horror that you'll never know when the curtain will be pulled back again.

My main wish for this episode was that the curtain was pulled more effectively. Each streamer more than adds to the comedic side to the stream, then when it was pulled (or at least, when I assume it was), I don't think it landed as well as the operating table.

Some examples are the deaths. Ethan's stands out to me, as one that gives me some of the most mixed emotions. Just as itself, watching Ethan die off-screen, only hearing his voice, while Ranboo and Sneeg stand and barely react to it in stark contrast to Austin's panic, works extremely well if you look at it as a scene out of context.

The problem is, I think it breaks an established rule. The rule being, as far as I can tell, that while the show is running everything is seemingly inconsequential. Once Ranboo wakes up, and both of us learn of the show masking everything, we're free to see the reality under it, making us more similar to each other than he'd like.

On the operating table, we're given a precedent for what green slime actually is. Now, any time we see it, it's in a very different light, and entirely recontextualises the first episode.

But now when Ethan dies, we... do see blood? I was under the assumption that blood was censored on the show in some capacity, and the glitches are the show breaking down and getting a brief slice of the reality of the situation. If it isn't, what happened with Charlie? Did this one death in particular make it through the censors, for some reason? Did it have something to do with the setting adjusted on Ranboo's mask before this room was hit? If so, it seems like a bizarre choice, both in-universe and for the narrative impact it had.

We return to some of these spots in the next episode. It feels like a missed opportunity to not play off these moments as a fake-out on the show-side, and then discovering they were actual deaths when the reveal's made. Instead we have people dying in gruesome manners, to then reveal they're... still dead. It's an alright reveal in the context of the line between reality and fiction being blurred, but one that could be much stronger.

All of this isn't to say that every death needed a moment where the line between show and reality is crossed. Vinny's death is a perfect example. It's a full Looney Tunes bit of being (literally) ragdolled across a room, with cartoonish fanfare, and then met with a hilarious demise of being hit in the head with an anvil. The reality of this... I like that being left to our imagination. It's a good one.

The death I felt was the weakest was the combined deaths of Austin and Sneeg, getting crushed by a moving wall cutout Ranboo manages to fit through, of which, through many ways that are immediately obvious, could fit several people through with some amount of problem solving.

Was this... funny? Absurd? Are we supposed to laugh? It's played in a goofy manner, definitely, but this was just after Ethan's death. We already know these people are dying by this point, or at the very least grievously harmed, so having two people die in succession to then be immediately swept under the rug was odd. After Niki's death, which accomplished a shock death that's moved on from almost immediately very nicely, it felt like a backtracking in tone and redoing a beat we've already seen.

On top of that, Austin reacted to Ethan's death, and then to the continued lack of reaction Sneeg and Ranboo have. I took this as Austin no longer being controlled in some capacity, so it doesn't make that much sense for Austin to die in a way that has a logical way out. Sneeg's does make sense, having been fully put under again. And going back to the point of the green slime, wouldn't it be much more effective if Ethan died in a way that isn't seen, perhaps only briefly and then cut off, to then see Austin freaking out over "nothing"?

I felt a bit of dissonance. Maybe this was the intent, but I don't think it landed in the right way. Instead of thinking if I should be concerned if that was a real death or not, like Niki's, I was more wondering if I was supposed to be thinking that. I was confused rather than horrified.

To give my fair dues, the moment with Sneeg realising where he was, and his attempted escape, was really good. It's a subtle moment at first, only shown by a glitch and Sneeg snapping out of an apparent fugue, to try to find his way out while pretending he's still under it. Our next curtain pull is Sneeg being dragged back into the show to be reset again while everyone's frozen, which I only fully caught on a rewatch as a literal pause of the show.

Another part of this episode that weakened it was something I didn't even realise would be an issue with interactive livestreams. With The Dollhouse Stream, if someone went on a bit of a joke tangent before moving onto the next part, it was fine. You're here to laugh and it only played into the strengths of the whole thing being a comedy setup. You're going from one thing to laugh at, to another thing to laugh at, and now you're on a detour for something else to laugh at that wasn't fully planned. The beats feed into each other.

But with Generation Loss, I was wanting everyone to move on so we could see the next horror beat. I wanted to be on the edge of my seat wondering what's going to happen next, and instead I was waiting for this line of jokes to wrap up. It was funny, because these people are full-time entertainers, but I didn't want to laugh right now.

Even with that said, I'm honestly not sure where that line should be. One part of me thinks this episode would be much for the better with some tighter pacing, but another couldn't bear to not have my heartstrings pulled by fulltime gay Austin's four children. Not even mentioning his one wive.

And wrapping up what I thought would be a small tangent before I get to the reason this essay exists in the first place, even with some tonal inconsistency and downtime between beats, I adore the details in this episode you only catch on a rewatch. For example, this tiny moment in the second to last room, where Ranboo is tapping out a morse code SOS signal with one hand, to then stop himself with the other.

Now that's sick.

Right; let's talk about why I'm here.

I was delighted to see that in this episode we got some neat interactivity that did have some narrative knock-ons. I was, finally, seeing what I came here for! Thrilling!

The critical moment of interactivity is the carousel, at least for the narrative, of which we get to choose two people to save and bring with us for the rest of the episode.

Yes, of course, our choice to save Niki gets her killed, but isn't it nice to play a part?

If we chose someone else, we could have got some pretty different improv sections or possibly new plot beats entirely. It's a good way to add some narrative branching while still progressing through a defined story with one ending.

The other interactive portions of the stream lean into one of my favourite parts of narrative design, of tying game mechanics to the story you're telling. Where the first episode takes on the style of an adventure game, the second is more akin to a gameshow. "Show" is the key word here, and the crux of the whole frame story this episode introduces. We're watching a silly little show, with some silly little entertainers, playing some silly little games that have absolutely no bearing on any possible reality. At all.

And since we're entertaining ourselves with something so mindless, not really caring about what's happening behind it, some equally mindless and pointless games would be a perfect supplement for this show. At first I wasn't a fan of these game sections, until I started to think about why they'd be put there. It's padding. A distraction. It literally covers the entire screen, demands your full attention by not allowing the story to continue until it's done, all to take your mind off what you're looking at and any discrepancies you might have seen before. It's not obvious, initially causes some friction, and really elevates the medium it's in once you start thinking about it a little deeper.

This is what I'm here for; this is the potential I saw.

With a very nice ending to round it off, and a full reveal promising the horror to run deeper as we continue on, my cautious optimism on how this would be wrapped up persisted.

Episode Three

Episode three is the tonal peak of the series, and by far the strongest episode. It strikes the perfect balance between humour and horror, and really shows the strengths of interactive livestreams as a narrative medium.

It starts almost immediately where we left off from the previous episode, tilting further away from comedy, and then sets us on a slow descent into absolute horror. This progression is done wonderfully. There's even a few sporadic jokes that land during the shift, before committing to it entirely by the ending.

My worry was the overarching story would not land. That there would be one huge lore dump explaining every detail of this corporation behind everything we just had to know. Instead, it's kept pleasantly vague with enough details for us to fill in the blanks from the previous episodes, and add some fantastic context that makes the whole series' worldbuilding stronger.

And a genuine question, did Charlie get acting lessons at some point? His swaps between goofs and terror are stunningly natural and lad's got some pipes on him that fully convinced me he was scared for his life.

Subtlety is the last thing I expected to be impressed by during this. Instead of having its messages laid out explicitly by one character going on a years-long monologue, they're told through environment, character reactions, and from details we've caught previously. Instead of spelling out a message on how streamer personalities are seen by others, you can show us a literal commodification of going live from derelict storefronts.

Cross-stream invasions will never get old. Ever.

This episode is where the series starts to make a fantastic use of every part of the medium it's in. Namely, as a filmed medium, between excellent shots of the live portions, especially during the chase scenes, to some near-seamless cuts to the prerecorded cinematics.

This is the first livestream I've ever said: "Wow, the cinematography's fantastic."

And hilariously, for the episode that ended up being my favourite, is the one with the least amount of actual interactivity. There's only two choices the audience makes, and both are extremely well-placed and well-done. It shows so well how it's not how much interactivity you shove into a medium that enhances it, but when and why you use it.

The first one is a subversion. Everyone loves subversions. We make a choice, but Ranboo now ignores us entirely. By doing so, and revelling in his newfound freedom, Ranboo condemns himself with the wrong choice.

Is it better for us to be in control of Ranboo? Should we be?

There's even subtle storytelling that doesn't come from an interactive moment directly. One happens during the final cinematic before the last choice. This one tiny moment, that I didn't even realise was there until seeing brief mentions of it in chat.

There's an exit sign that Ranboo misses.

And, critically, there were people in the audience who didn't.

Consider us, as we were controlling Ranboo before. There very well may have been moments Ranboo would have missed entirely if not for our choices to bring them there. If we were still in control, could we have sent them that way? Would we have been able to? Would it even be considered a freedom, if he didn't make the choice to reach it?

We're now forced to watch him head to one inevitable fate, just as he watched everyone before him.

The second, and final choice, is the climax of the entire series. Ranboo's final send off, after the show's had its run with him, is up to the audience to decide if he should live or die. Even after managing to be free of audience control, to the point of actively rejecting it, Ranboo is still beheld by it to the very end.

There's even a narrative element to seeing the decision shift in real time, told entirely by the audience watching. Chat immediately floods with attempts to save Ranboo, the knee-jerk reaction on being faced with the option to kill them. Then, as the announcer details the actual fate of being left alive, with Ranboo's slow realisation that they'd consider it worse than death, the bar slowly creeps over to the right, flicking back and forth over the 50/50 mark.

And then, as the choice times out, deciding to give Ranboo an apparent mercy, chat is immediately flooded with laments on if it was the right call as the credits roll.

Absolutely stellar.

This is, for all intents and purposes, the first ever narrative-heavy interactive livestream. It's the best one because it's the only one. There's wanes and waxes, with parts that didn't land, some that very much did, and an experience that I still enjoyed immensely, if not mostly on the novelty of the medium, and the obvious heart that was put into every part of it. Quoting myself to a friend minutes after the stream ended:

"i feel like i just watched the second movie ever made"

And, should Ranboo, Jerma, or literally anyone else pursue narrative-heavy interactive livestreams further, there's so much that could be learnt from and expounded on into something incredible.

That excites me. That really excites me.

Interactive Livestreams as a Narrative Medium

This begs the question: where do we go from here?

I'm pulling away from Generation Loss specifically, and now asking to the question of narratives in interactive livestreams in general. Could we consider interactive livestreams a new narrative medium? Or is it a subgenre of another type of storytelling, with much the same considerations and impacts?

What we're really asking, is this: how does an interactive livestream tell a story through audience interaction? One of the best ways we can do this, is to start making comparisons between interactive livestreams and other mediums, and seeing what lessons we can and can't learn from them.

So, with this in mind, what medium is one of the most famous and wide-spread types of interactive media? What medium is an intersection of many others, and is able to use their strengths and limitations as a story demands? What medium has decades of experience in narrative agency and responding to the choices of someone engaging with it?

Video games.

The Narratives of Interactive Livestreams

Let's analyse The Dollhouse Stream as we would a piece of interactive fiction. It already has many terms describing narrative structures and systems, and the progression of The Dollhouse Stream fits quite nicely into them.

We're going to jump to the first choice made in the house itself in episode one, where the "game" begins proper. There's intricacies happening right up to that point, but we'll discuss what they are in more detail shortly.

The audience's first choice, between working out, going outside, and using the toilet, is exactly the one you think it is. Ignoring the innate comedy of piss, a choice is made, some amount of content happens, and then the stream continues on until the next choice.

This is what's known as a "bottleneck", where a choice branches out, and then collapses back down to a main branch. This main branch, typically dubbed "the golden path" (GP), is the path with the most content, the path a designer tries to guide the player down for narrative satisfaction, the "win condition", or other similar denotation. How the GP is defined exactly depends on the type of story being constructed.

So here's a question: what's the GP of an interactive livestream?

This is where analysing interactive livestreams in this way can only take us so far. The thing is, this idea of branching out and bottlenecking, implies that after the bottleneck, the stream would progress the exact same no matter which choice was made. This is decidedly not true, for many apparent reasons that I'm sure you can see. In an alternate vote where, shockingly, chat decides to not make Jerma piss, he would have had to make very different jokes.

Also, looking at this diagram might imply that the entire stream is put on hold when a vote takes place, like in interactive fiction when a choice is presented and the game effectively pauses until the player picks one. Audience choices are actually running asynchronously to the stream, and the streamers can fill the gap with improv until a choice is decided. Things can even happen mid-decision that has an impact on how the audience votes. Screaming "Please let me die", perhaps.

Instead, the narrative of interactive livestreams put us on an entirely different kind of story.

One type of narrative system is known as "attribute-based stories", sometimes called "quality-based stories". Where a block of narrative content is reached, and based on the choices made during it, an attribute is applied and carried through the rest of the story. These could range from obtaining an item, getting level experience, sating a survival need, changing relationships with other characters, or a literally limitless list of others.

How attributes are used, and when they're applied, is down to the designer. Imagine you go to a pub with the attribute "had a bad day at work". You enter, make some choices, and leave with the attribute "got into a bar fight". Once you return home, you could mention the attributes you gained during the day with your roommate, with some special content playing out based on it. Perhaps "put on your favourite shirt this morning" and "got beer spilled down your shirt". This is an admittedly crude explanation of attributes, and doesn't even begin to look at the narrative complexities it allows, but hopefully gives you a good idea of how they work.

Generation Loss, likely from its initial influence from adventure games (of which, structurally, is almost one in the same as interactive fiction), and later game shows, doesn't stray too far from a branch and bottleneck format. But, this doesn't stop attributes being used effectively, both by streamers playing off improv and making some minor changes to the narrative, even with the ending being predetermined.

Conversely, attributes make up almost all of The Dollhouse Stream's narrative. Every choice, furniture, interaction with other characters, and even audience reactions can be thought of in terms of attributes. One of the most well-known moments of the series comes from something developed almost entirely on attributes:

Jerma and Emilia.

This thread starts once the audience decides to call for "sexy maid service." We're given what was sure to be a brief joke, and are greeted at the door by a maid played by Ludwig, later finding out he's playing the character of non-binary maid Emilia.

The audience is immediately smitten. They love them. A choice is made to flirt with Emilia, and the rest is history.

Their relationship continues with a date invitation, Jerma sleeping through it, awkward interactions, development with the rest of the cast. And, in a culmination of all of this, Jerma cheats on Emilia with Death, with one of the most infamous scenes in the series bringing up every attribute this relationship's gained up to this point. Jerma calling Emilia a "stupid maid" out of context, the missed dates, every insane occurrence that's happened in this house, all comes out in this one moment, and it's just as impressive as it is the funniest shit I've ever seen on Twitch.

You don't know how high they can fly.

Emilia was intended to be a small gag. Instead, through audience popularity, and building a whole story on nothing but attributes, they became a critical character of the series. By playing into each other, the audience and streamers have, very effectively, created an entirely new plot thread for the stream to follow, which has had sweeping effects on the entire narrative.

This is a level of interactivity that games could only dream of. Sure, you can always comment on the player picking up the green sword instead of the red, but can you comment on their emotional response to that decision? Their thoughts on not taking the red? If we become fixated on it, are we then able to reference it as a cute nod or critical plotpoint, and change the future of the game based on it? If the audience doesn't care, can you drop it entirely, and bring in something else you have prepared?

That level of narrative fidelity is nigh-impossible to hit in a video game. There's a reason games that get even slightly close to emulating this, like Disco Elysium, are revered as technical marvels.

Let's consider how this could be applied to another technique used by games to deliver as much interactivity as possible, while cutting back on the amount of assets needing to be created. Rather than scripting entirely new locations and environments for every choice made, choices are instead put back on the characters. The same general series of events take place, and what changes is how the characters react to them. They can change the narrative based on if they're the one to perform an action, if they do an action at all, how their relationship with other characters pans out, and, if the story calls for it, if a specific character survives.

In interactive livestreams, these characters are no longer AI reacting to scripted events you meticulously plan out to land. These are real, actual actors who can respond, adjust, and create new content on the fly based on previous attributes, with the only real limit being their skill as an actor. Most importantly, they can improv their way out of something going entirely off-rails, and possibly make something even better than the original plan.

This was starting to sound familiar to me. What other medium have stories created through a two-way relationship between separate parties? What other medium requires everyone involved to be fully playing in the headspace of the story, and be willing to bend, and possibly break it?

TTRPGs.

An interactive livestream manages to create the hyper-personalised story of a TTRPG, with choice mechanics of video games, combined with the visual spectacle of theatre and film.

And that's thrilling.

Structuring the Narrative of an Interactive Livestream

Let's temper our excitement for a minute, and bring our attention back to the concept of a GP. A GP, as we saw earlier, isn't really a structure we can apply to interactive livestreams. Even if we meticulously plan out everything to the minute detail, one improv'd line could throw the entire thing off. And if we do want to make something to that end, we could just, you know, make a scripted show. It doesn't exactly fit the spirit of an interactive livestream and what it could do.

So as much as interactive livestreams can lean into being a live medium and using improv to carry it, they still need to tell a story, especially if it wants to lean heavier into the narrative side over improv comedy.

I'm proposing a term of "golden nodes" for interactive livestreams. This takes the idea of a golden path, but shifts it to better fit how interactive livestreams come to be. A golden node is a piece of content that must be hit at some point. Either because they are the ending state of the stream, enough preparation has gone into them that it would be a catastrophic waste of money to not show it, or has critical plot beats that forwards the story being told. How we get there (in terms of making a complete story, and less so on how good it will be) is irrelevant, and where something entirely unplanned can crop up.

We could try running through The Dollhouse Stream and categorising golden nodes, but this is something you can't really define with something so heavily reliant on improv. What we might think was a golden node might have been improvised on the day, and something we think might have been made on the spot had weeks of planning. Sometimes it's obvious, like organising a bear attack complete with a bear costume, or having a whole lighting setup for a party, but when so much is made up on the spot, it becomes much harder to define which is which. And often, it's a bit of a pointless exercise, and more of a fun fact you hear in the BTS.

On the other hand, as you would expect from something much more focused on telling a pre-planned story, Generation Loss is much heavier with its golden nodes compared to The Dollhouse Stream, and much easier to guess which were planned and take stabs at what was improvised live. I actually wanted to take a stab at mapping the whole series out, complete with attributes gained, used, and estimating which nodes were golden, but...

I've spent far too long on this already.

A few notes I did make on the deaths in episode two, for the curious:

Niki was voted by the audience as the first choice to be saved. If the any-person voted was the one to trigger this, Austin, Ethan, or Niki could have died first.

Vinny's death is a cinematic dependency. Unless multiple videos were shot for it, Vinny had to die at that point.

Ethan's death could have been anyone

I'm personally convinced Sneeg was railroaded to survive until the end, given how well his reset state plays off Ranboo's new emotionless performance.

Keep in mind, this is entirely from my own perspective as someone watching from the outside, and approaching it from the perspective of a narrative designer trying to maximise unique outcomes. I've had to make several assumptions here and I could be entirely off-base.

Despite my crashing out, mapping the livestream out like this shows how rail-roaded episode three is, to the point you can actually draw a solid GP for it. It also shows that, even with many golden nodes to hit, episode two manages to have quite a few moments that could have gone differently based on audience choice. At least, if my assumptions are correct.

So, this leaves me with a proposed set of terms for discussing interactive livestream. Interactive livestream are built around "nodes"; chunks of content that have been explicitly planned out and prepared for before the stream begins. Some of these are golden nodes. Golden nodes could be anything, but are things that must be hit before the stream is over. Other nodes may be optionally hit, and entirely unplanned and improvised content can happen between any nodes. During unplanned segments and nodes alike, everyone (and, really, everything), can gain attributes, which can be brought up at any time to the story's discretion.

Maybe these terms are useful. Maybe they aren't. We'll have to wait and see.

The Limitations of Interactive Livestreams

As much as it's fun to speculate what could be, we, unfortunately, live in a real world with restrictions and limits of what we can do.

One of the most obvious ones is budget, and with the amount of moving parts an interactive livestream has, budget becomes a vital topic to remember. But budget isn't just a matter of money. Consider, if you had unlimited money, and were writing a novel by yourself, how fast could you work? Let's say you write a solid 2,000 words a day, and to you, a novel is complete at 80,000. In this example, you're going to live to 80 before peacefully dying of old age, and start your novelist career at the ripe age of 20.

Even if you had no worries about having a roof over your head, feeding yourself, never getting sick, never taking holidays, and sacrificing every day of your life to writing novels, not even accounting for slowing down as you grew older, or editing, publishing, and the entire escapade on getting your work noticed by others, you would be able to produce 547 in your lifetime, with half a manuscript left over.

Now consider this when you do have a limited amount to spend and a deadline to hit, and now you're writing something that could have five novels worth of storylines, involves visuals, audio, music, technical implementation, and now considering interactive livestreams specifically, set design, filming requirements, human needs of catering, sanitation, and shelter for your cast and crew.

Suddenly, two novels of content compared to five looks much more appealing. Interactive narratives not having limitless branches isn't a matter of not wanting to put everything you've got into a project. It's a matter of production realism.

Time is a resource, and one you need to spend just as wisely as money.

This is something very important to remember for interactive livestreams. It's also something to consider for ways we could cut out the expensive parts of one. Could we create one that doesn't have a fancy camera setup? Do we need camera visuals at all, making something akin to a live narrative podcast? Do all interactive livestreams need to last several hours, or can we reduce the scope of time? It wouldn't have the exact same spectacle as a several-hour live filmed show would, sure, but that doesn't mean we can't make impactful narratives with it. Do you know how many eggs we've cracked with 5 minute twine games?

Limitations are also not just a matter of production. We need to think about limitations of a medium itself. A novel, with just text, doesn't have the liberty of showing you something in a visual format, and has to rely entirely on words to communicate the same information. Of course, you can bend and break the rules a little and include pictures in your book, but that starts to cross the line into other formats. Now we're not just a written medium, and have other considerations to make as well. And, generally, writing a paragraph of description is quicker than drawing a picture. The real challenge is making a paragraph just as impactful as a picture in the same spot.

For interactive livestreams, its limitations are a bit tricker to define, being an intersection of so many types of media right off the bat. I'm woefully undereducated of the limitations of filming and live shows, and unfortunately cannot speak to how they would shape how a story is developed. But, what I can do is talk about possible limitations in narrative interactivity. There are a few that jump to mind immediately.

As much as we can talk about audience choice in interactive livestreams, this begs an interesting question, of what happens to the choices the audience doesn't pick. In a game, this is pretty simple. That choice is blocked off, it may have consequences, and the player lives with the choice they did make.

However, games are not performances. They're pieces of media that can be replayed on-demand. If you want a different experience, or want to see what that choice you didn't make actually did, all you have to do is start again.

An interactive livestream does not have this liberty. Once the livestream is over, it cannot be replayed by the audience for a different outcome. Every choice is final, the narrative responds to it, and whatever outcome the then-live audience chooses is the one that's the final outcome for everyone else watching the vod.

In a game, there's often a discussion about how much it should branch around a choice, especially if that choice leads you on an entirely different path with unique content. Someone might not be interested in another run, and unless you really put replayability forward as a selling point, or make it a central mechanic of the game, it's a high gamble that a lot of the content you put a dear amount of effort into will never be seen.

For an interactive livestream, that isn't a matter of content that won't be seen on one run. That's content that won't be seen, period, and is effectively discarded after the stream ends. If we have a story with two immediate branching paths, that's two interactive livestreams worth of budget, for only half the content being delivered.

Looking at this diagram, we can see what content someone sees on one run of a typical branching game. There's a lot they saw, but much more that they didn't. Imagine that this is now the planned content branch for an interactive livestream. Imagine that each one of those nodes is the equivalent to a room in episode two of Generation Loss, and how many uncoloured nodes there are in comparison to red.

Are linear bottlenecked choices the only outcomes for narratives of interactive livestream if we're not depending on improv? Is there an upper limit to how much "true" branching you can prepare before you start hitting the limits of your budget? Can there be an interactive livestream that manages to give several ending options based on the path taken, or will it always have to collapse back down to one alone, or an ending with one diverging choice in the final moment? Does this strip some audience agency, knowing that in spite of their choices or "playing along", they will never be able to change where the story is going, or only making one difference right at the end?

Equally, however, the audience will never know. With a game, an inconsequential choice can always be scrutinised on a replay. Finding out that if you choose to shoot someone, you always miss, and gives you the exact same outcome as letting them live. In an interactive livestream, to the audience, that other choice is permanently gone as soon as we decide to let them live. We will never know what shooting them would have done. It's a kind of choice funneling that games could only dream of.

Compare this diagram, showing a heavily bottle-necked story in a game with multiple runs:

To this one. The same story, now adapted for an interactive livestream:

Interactive livestream are already making use of this. Consider the first choice in episode three of Generation Loss. The scripted event is the audience picking one code, and Ranboo picking any other to forward the plot. The "true" code is chosen when the audience picks it, and Ranboo picks a different one to trigger the security lockdown.

In a game, the first time we play this would have much the same narrative impact, but not so on the second. If we pick a code, enter it, and find out on the first run it's wrong, we remember this on the next. We can try to cheat a little and pick the code we know is correct from the previous run, only to find that no matter what, whatever we pick is the incorrect one. Replay value is a little cheapened.

In an interactive livestream, however, as far as the narrative goes, we will never know anything different. Our first choice is the only choice. The yellow code is always incorrect.

Will audiences wise up to these moments and start to tire of it? Will we get good enough at disguising them and striking a balance between actual interactivity and putting the audience on rails? Who knows. We have to do it and find out.

Here's another thing I've been wondering in terms of limitations, of the kind of narrative setups you can and can't do with interactive livestreams. I mention this, because currently the two story-heavy interactive livestreams we have are based around the concept of an audience directly controlling a streamer, who (and in the case of Generation Loss, not at all times) is aware that they're being controlled and broadcast live.

The Dollhouse Stream takes it in a comedic direction. The entire inspiration of the stream is based on The Sims, with Jerma directly taking mannerisms and inside jokes from the games. Jerma is fully aware of the chat controlling him, and at times openly antagonistic of choices made or not made, but always plays into the character and follows whatever decisions the audience makes.

Generation Loss, as discussed, is the horror inversion of this. Ranboo starts blissfully unaware of the audience controlling them, and the fact this is even being broadcast, and plays into it much like they were making the choices themself. Soon after he learns the truth, he's terrified and defiant of the audience previously controlling him, which marks a point in the narrative of things turning south.

It's pretty interesting to me that both of these are built on the audience being in direct control of a streamer as an extant character to itself, and the streamer fully aware it exists, at least in different capacities. It's like we're already having some meta commentary on the whole medium before it's even fully hit its stride.

I'm certain there's ways to create interactive livestream that don't immediately jump to this as how the audience interacts (the first thought takes a similar thread of video games, where the audience "is" the person they're "controlling", and as a character they and the audience are one in the same), but I also posit this. Does the audience need to control a person? Could they control the environment a streamer is in, and possibly the stream itself? Could the audience be an additional character to themselves, not in direct control of others present? Could we hotswap control between different people on the fly? There's room to explore what the audience actually controls and why.

This is also said with an understanding that both The Dollhouse Stream and Generation Loss are, in varying capacities, commentaries on livestreaming and impacts it has on both streamer and audience. This is excellent, and I'm certainly not calling it a dead-end for interactive livestreams, but I am saying that this medium has potential outside it.

And something else I do wonder about, is the tone of narratives in future interactive livestreams. They, obviously, have their roots in streamer culture and the personalities that have come from it. Each of these personalities, being comedic entertainers, always bring their own jokes and riffs and are predisposed to making people laugh from observational humour. It begs the question, will every interactive livestream have some kind of jokes and tangents to it, and all have some form of improv comedy? Will there be ones that manage to break away from this entirely?

But then I think of some criticisms of video games, of saying that things are too "game-like". Which, to me, is similar to walking into an Italian restaurant and complaining about the amount of pasta. Maybe this is similar. I think we simply don't have enough interactive livestreams to call it.

We need to see more.

We're on the Frontier of a New Way to Tell Stories

This is the point where I fully convinced myself of something I'd been suspecting from the first ten minutes of The Dollhouse Stream. By trying to analyse interactive livestreams as interactive fiction, I was met with caveats and exceptions. As a TTRPG, more caveats. As a standard video game, more. This wasn't a simple matter of treating it as one medium, and keeping in mind one adjustment to make it work. There were sweeping knock-on effects that didn't match with any existing interactive media, and forced me to rethink how to approach it from the ground up.

This is how, I believe, interactive livestreams sets themselves apart from other forms of interactive narratives, and into their own category entirely. They are simply something unto themselves. There's many questions here, and they can only be answered by those who will strike out to try them, and I eagerly await those who do.

We are currently seeing, in real time, a new form of interactive media being developed right in front of us. And one I believe, with the right hands and direction, could easily ascend to a point of being considered art through narrative.

I see nothing but potential. There are so many ways to take this medium and I am begging more people to put their hat into the ring to see what the true limits of it are beyond theory and speculation.

But, it needs that direction. It needs people who understand choice in media, and for the love of god, it needs narrative designers at the helm. My obvious bias as a fulltime game designer and solo narrative dev come through here, but there's no other medium that's produced talent better equipped to tackle this.

I'm right here. Someone hire me.

To which my question is: if you're in the games industry, and not instantly smitten by interactive livestreams as a new medium for storytelling experiences, what the hell are you doing?

And if you're not, and read this for whatever reason you did, I hope you can see what I see, and are as excited as I am.

#surprise it's actually today #9.8K WORD WARNING; READ MORE AT OWN RISK #generation loss #gen loss #ranboo #jerma #jerma985 #writing #essays #interactive fiction

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