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wisteria-lodge · 3 years

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snake primary + slightly burnt snake secondary (some kind of built secondary model)

Hi hi hi!! Hope you’re well!! So tell me, is there a way to tell whether you’re a lion or a snake secondary beyond the actual “textbook” definitions? I think I’m pretty burnt, and I’m on my way to fixing that, but it would help to know where I’m supposed to be heading lol

(Btw, I’m a Sam coded Dean girl. I don’t think it’s relevant I just thought that system was both useful and hilarious and I’m so glad you posted that)

I also really liked how that turned out.

I’m pretty sure I’m an improv secondary. I think I’m bad at it, hence the burning, but it’s what comes naturally to me and what I would feel most proud of.

I end up planning for a bunch of things, and in some cases I don’t hate it.

Damning with faint praise.

Like if I’m giving a presentation, I open a word document and write down what I’m gonna say verbatim, even the language tics and pauses and hesitations and such, so it’s like I’m actually living it. Then I repeat the whole thing multiple times, amending it whenever I change something, until I feel like I’ve sort of gone through the experience already.

That is… the weirdest way of hacking an improvisational secondary. Because that’s what’s you’re doing. Improvisational secondaries need to be “in it,” so you get as close to that as possible in the prep work.

Then I scrap the whole thing and improvise when it’s actually happening – the result is often pretty different from the word doc

of course.

but I’m a bit more in my element because I’ve done it already and I know I can do it.

This is honestly a really good strategy to make yourself more comfortable with improvising? I can tell you’re unBurning, this feels very much like… training wheels, to me. Heck, I think I would recommend your method to another burnt Improvisational secondary.

I’m not sure, but I think that sort of thing is more built than improv?

Like, kind of? I’m autism spectum, and when I was younger I built a Bird model to help me feel more confident accessing my Courtier Badger. That’s what this feels like.

But I definitely feel like it’s a model I’ve developed to deal with social anxiety and my fear of failure lol. I didn’t do stuff like that before it got bad, and if I could deal with not doing it, I would.

I hear that.

In most other situations, though, I tend to jump right in and go with the flow. I really don’t think very far ahead. I guess I can if I try, when it’s just a matter of logic, but things like my life plans, my relationships, or even more short-term things like plans with friends or what I’m gonna eat or how I’m gonna deal with a task, I really can’t project into the future. I can’t really make decisions or see a situation clearly until I’m in it. Then I tend to make decisions very quickly, kind of on instinct, or whatever feels right in the moment.

You’re definitely an improvisational secondary.

(Actually maybe that’s a primary thing? I’m a snake primary, but I do have a very prominent lion model, and a bit of badger as well.)

Nah, that’s definitely an Improvisational secondary thing. I am curious about your primary though, because you say you don’t have too much in the way of life plans… and *that* is more where a primary would come in. You feel like a safe Snake to me (that is, a Snake whose people are safe) so there is a little bit of… what now? What is the Lion+Badger model you wear over the top interested in?

Point is, I prefer being spontaneous, even if it’s something important. Making plans and having to stick to them makes me feel trapped. I’m not the most constant person, and I like that about me. I want to have room to grow and change, even for the smallest things.

Completely, entirely fair.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve talked more about limitations and things I don’t want so far, but I guess that’s a burnt thing.

I mean, sure you’re a little underconfident, but you seem pretty far along to me.

I’ve seen you mention what’s really useful in determining a secondary is what you actually enjoy, so here goes. I like being in the moment, and I like being able to come up with ideas and solutions on the fly, by taking in the situation and using it to my advantage.

That’s very Snake secondary sounding language.

I think there’s a bit of a separation in my mind between “people things” and “being clever things.”

For “being clever things” (like… I don’t know, an escape room, a problem with an administration, a paper I have to write, video games, some kind of mystery…) I like to rely on being observant and quick-thinking, and if I can find loopholes or outsmart whoever I’m facing to win in an unexpected way, that’s even better (but really more for my ego than anything else, I guess finding the “normal” solution is okay, as long as you get there, it’s just less fun).

Hilarious. Yeah, you sound like a *confident* Snake secondary to me.

For “people things” (drama with family or friends, or if someone is being an ass, or if someone comes to me for advice on interpersonal things), I prioritize being straightforward and honest. If I have time to plan or if I’m giving advice, I might come up with something more sneaky and elaborate, but if I’m in the moment, I’m most likely to be really confrontational, stubborn and unyielding, even if it makes things more difficult for me.

Hmm. I am reading this as a Snake who likes being Neutral - especially those words “stubborn” and “unyielding.” There’s a reason Neutral Snakes are called “the unmovable object.”

If I catch myself, I try to avoid it, but that just means staying silent and removing myself from the situation – I can’t bring myself to make compromises if it feels like I’m betraying myself.

Okay, now that’s sounding more Lion.

To be clear, that’s almost exclusively with people I’m close to, or who are supposed to “know me”.

Oh okay. This is your secondary interacting with your primary. Actively lying to and misrepresenting yourself to Your People would be immoral to a Snake Primary.

With friends who aren’t in my inner circle, or acquaintances, or complete strangers, or authority figures, I might get upset internally if I’m perceiving a slight or injustice, but I can keep up the mask I need no problem. That being said, I don’t have a lot of patience for drama, so if whatever it is can’t be quickly resolved with a convenient lie or saying what works for me in a way they won’t mind hearing, I just stick to what I’m actually thinking and/or my neutral state (I’m not sure it’s accurate to use snake language here, but it feels like it and it’s convenient).

I think it’s highly appropriate and accurate. All that is reading very Snake.

I’ve seen a bunch of people say lion and snake secondaries are sort of at odds with each other, but I don’t really get the contradiction between them yet (as in, I don’t see why people can’t be both those “contradictory” things at the same time). I do mask a lot, and I enjoy it – I think it’s rewarding, and honestly it just makes sense – it’s what works best in that moment, and it feels natural to shift that way. I just don’t feel it’s a misrepresentation. The whole “it’s not cheating, it’s being clever” thing just feels a little too dishonest. Cheating is cheating, no need to be so smug about it. It’s not wrong, though, at least not always. If it’s hurting someone who doesn’t deserve it, then it’s wrong (might still do it if the alternative is worse, but that doesn’t mean it’s suddenly an ethical choice to make, it just means I’m okay with being immoral in that instance).

All that being said, I don’t think masking is being dishonest about yourself. I don’t think anything that comes out of my mind is “not me”, it just doesn’t work that way. The personas I have with different groups or people in my life are all genuine, it’s just that different sides of me are brought up. And if I’m acting in a way that’s actually not genuine, that mask is still my creation – if someone else were to come up with a mask for that same situation, it would be different, because their mind works differently. Everything you do is a reflection of yourself, and even if you were to try your best to be honest all the time, you’d never be able to show your true and complete self to someone else. You can’t even see that yourself.

Oh man. This is why I love writing these, and this is what I mean about Lion and Snake being so incomprehensible to each other. Because Lions fundamentally do not think this way, every word here is dripping with Snake.

It might be helpful to think of Lions as static. That’s how Shakespeare (who definitely seems like a Snake secondary…) writes about them, and he sees them as sort of tragic. Lions really do have a “core” persona that feels more true than all the others, and they really do exist in it as much as they possibly can. And feel good and moral about doing that.

And a mask’s point may be to deceive or to gain something, but being blunt and straightforward can be used in that way too.

You are literally thinking of “common Lion secondary presentation” as another useful mask, and it’s so Snake, and so fantastic.

I’m thinking this sounds more snake than anything else, so I’ll focus on why I thought I might be a lion too now. I guess the reason I’m on the fence is because these two are presented as “either you think the only way is through, or you’re looking for a way around it”, and I’m not comfortable saying I favor either.

That is *a* way to think about the two secondaries. But those are symptoms, not causes. The reason a Lion secondary feels that the only way out is though is because a Lion secondary must be themselves, or die.

My first thought was to say that I get more satisfaction from finding ways around a problem because it makes me feel cleverer and it’s more fun, but that’s because I’m zeroing in on certain types of situations (people giving me some intellectual challenge, debates, or video games). But there were also a lot of times where I stuck it out and kept going with pigheaded stubbornness, and got a lot more satisfaction out of that (physical challenges like obstacle courses, disagreements with my parents, winning over certain people).

Here’s where I think the confusion is. You’re a Snake secondary, and one of your masks looks very Lion. Note how you talk about using this “pigheadedness” with certain people, who you know will respond well to it.

In fact, I remember my father telling me one day “yeah, you’re never here to compromise, you just make decisions and inform us, and keep going while you wait for us to accept reality,“ and I actually can’t describe how proud and smug I was about that. Kind of insufferable, but I just get so euphoric when people see right through me and show they get me, even if it’s about the more annoying or bad parts of me.

I think that’s just a human thing. The mortifying ideal of being known is how you feel loved.

I remember a conversation I had with my ex after we broke up where she cut right through all my bullshit and discarded my whole mask to get right to my inner self and the core of certain issues, and even though I was still mad and upset, and kind of embarrassed that she could see me being vulnerable, I couldn’t help but be happy about it, because I felt known.

Yeah. <3

I don’t interact much with people outside of my inner circle, so I can’t tell if it’s entirely specific to them, but I really vibe with the “honesty is their strength” part of being a lion. That’s why my people trust me and rely on me so much, because even though they know how sneaky I can get and how fun I think tricking people is, they also know I default to telling the truth and saying what’s on my mind more often than not, because they’re my people.

I think that, as a Snake primary who mostly only interacts with Your People, you’re in a kind of unusual position. I know that the presentation of a Snake who feels safe can be blunter, can be more Lion-y. My experience with Snakes is… yeah, sometimes I know I’m being manipulated, or having my buttons pushed in a specific way. But I’m fine with it, because I’m one of their people, and I know they would never hurt me. That’s where the certainty is coming from.

Then again, I also have a “it’s not lying unless they’re entitled to the truth” attitude with basically everyone else. I just don’t think some people deserve to know me that way.

snaaaake

(lions are going to take the truth and PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE with it, and if you can’t deal that’s YOUR PROBLEM)

And “ideally”, as in, if I didn’t have anxiety and a bunch of other issues, I still don’t think I’d just be neutral all the time. Sounds boring. And inconvenient.

Snake secondaries are great.

Ahhh, should I even post this? I feel like my whole thought process before this moment of introspection was “so I really vibe with snake, but I’m also hotheaded and a bit of a bitch, so I MUST be a lion, right” lmao. I just think I’m a straight up double snake at this point.

Yep.

Oof, a long way from my original lion bird sorting back when I first discovered SHC hahaha

Yeah, I used to think I was a Badger Bird.

(For the record, I’m writing this in a word doc, and it’s almost 2k now. I haven’t checked how long these normally are, so I’m really sorry if this is too long!!! I’m like physically incapable of being concise I’m so sorry)

Sometimes I edit or re-arrange these slightly for a cleaning reading experience, but I’m having fun. I was engaged all the way though.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for doing these!! They’re super interesting and I’m sure it helps people a lot, and also it’s really cool to see how different people think. I’m a socially-challenged writer, so it’s useful to have that bit of insight into other people’s minds. Love ya <3 <3 <3

#sortinghatchats #snake primary #snake secondary #double snake #built model #sortme #wisteria sorts

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poisonintopositivity · 4 years

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(My Very Own) Top 20 Sterek Fics

Here is my very own Top 20 Sterek Fics (out of order)

For me, these fanfictions are a “MUST READ NOW!!!” kind of deal. These authors have so much talent, it’s incredible. These stories are just marvelous and deserve LOVE ! So, I decided to share them with you.

I’ve read most of these fics several times and some of them are even my bedside table books (with Harry Potter and the Prisonner of Azcaban and Jane Eyre)

So here we go!

1: Enemy Lines by @qhuinn - 150k - Explicit - Dystopia - Enemies to friends to lovers - Action/adventure

This is the story of werewolf Derek Hale and human Stiles Stilinski: two people who grew up in the same town but completely different worlds, their realities split by the war between men and wolves.

Years later when Derek returns to Beacon Hills, he does it as Alpha of a military pack on a mission to capture those responsible for the region’s resistance. With his main objective, Sheriff Stilinski, out of sight, he settles for the next best thing: his son, Stiles.

Neither of them suspects they’ll need to trust each other if they want to make it out this alive.

2: Actions Speak Louder than Words by @isthatbloodonhisshirt - 435k - Explicit - The BEST and slowest burn there is - Spark Stiles/Mute Derek - Friends to Lovers

“I apologize.” The cop finally looked back up at his face, seeming thrilled. “It’s just—it’s been so long. And we finally have you.”

That was a bad word. Not found.

Have.

Stiles wrenched his hand free and took a step back, but before he could even think up a gameplan, he felt a prick in his neck and jerked away, reaching up to slap one hand against it and twisting in the same moment.

One of the others had come up behind him while he hadn’t been paying attention, and his vision began to swim even as his eyes caught sight of the half-empty syringe the guy was holding.

3: Radio Tower by @hyperlittlenori - 130k - Explicit - Dystopia - Hope - Slow Burn/Build

Everything was different. The world he knew was gone. It’d been a long time since he’d started thinking he was probably one of the last humans on earth, that out there the only sentient beings were those that would devour him whole. He wasn’t sure why he continued with the radio broadcasts, continued to talk into nothingness. The only explanation was that there was a spark of hope in him yet that he wasn’t alone. The lonely safety Stiles has built around an old radio tower in the middle of nowhere is about to be broken. Stiles isn’t sure if Derek is a harbinger of chaos or hope at the end of the world.

4: The Hollow Moon by @thepsychicclam - 180k - Explicit - Fix-It - Memory Loss - Slow Burn/Build

It's the summer after Stiles' first year of college, and he's working a crappy job and dealing with nightmares and anxiety - but he's okay, he swears. He makes it through most days without too much trouble. Then, a certain werewolf comes back into town. Which Stiles doesn't care about, nope, not at all.

After two and a half years, Derek returns to Beacon Hills with his small Pack. Though he tried to move on, something just kept drawing him back to Beacon Hills, he's just not sure what. Now, he figures he can start building something like a life - but he keeps getting distracted by Stiles Stilinski of all people.

5 : Amor Fati by @alocalband - 43k - Explicit - Consent is sexy - First Time - Fluff & Angst

When Stiles gets thrown into the bank vault about twenty minutes after him, Derek isn’t even surprised.As it turns out, neither is Stiles.

6 : (not so) Pure Imagination by theroguesgambit - 33k - Explicit - Shared fantasies - Angst with a happy ending - hotdamn!

"There is a world where whenever someone fantasizes about you, you can physically feel it, but you have no idea who is thinking it about you."

Stiles knows it's wrong, but he's been Fantasizing about Derek and he can't bring himself to stop. Derek doesn't know who's taken an interest in him, but he's enjoying it way more than he probably should.

7: What I Did On My Summer Vacation by grimm - 119k - Explicit - Wolf!Derek - Slow Burn/Build - Friends to Lovers

There's something weird about Beacon Hills that Stiles can't quite put his finger on. The way everyone in town knows his name the day he arrives. The way they insist the melancholic howling that echoes through the forest every night is just a dog. The way his dad denies getting a dog, even though Stiles comes home to find one sprawled across his bed, some big black thing whose eyes gleam red in the right light. The way that massive oak tree out in the woods vibrates under his touch, pulsing with sickly life.

There's something weird going on in this town, and Stiles is determined to get to the bottom of it.

8: Stand Fast in Your Enchantments by @devildoll - 77k - Explicit - Captivity - Feral!Derek - Angst with a happy ending

"Stiles knew damn well what a pissed-off wolf sounded like, and every hair on the back of his neck was telling him that somewhere in this room was a very pissed-off werewolf." An AU in which Derek is feral, Stiles is magical, and they eat a lot of fast food.

9 : What Fresh Twilight Bullshit Is This? by @isthatbloodonhisshirt - 196k - Explicit - Soulmate - Slow Burn - Misunderstandings

“I am not Bella!” he insisted, shaking his fist angrily at Jackson, as if he’d been the one to suggest he was. “I am not Bella! I am, like, a Jacob, at least!”

Lydia made a noise of debate from his right and he whipped around to look at her.

“What?! What was that sound?!”

“You’re more of a Mike,” she insisted, shrugging neatly and flipping some curls over her shoulder.

“Wha—” Stiles had never been so offended in his life! “I am not! No way! I am a solid Jacob!”

“Mike,” she argued.

“Who’s Mike?” Scott asked.

“Shut up, Scott!” Stiles insisted, pointing a finger at him but still glaring at Lydia.

10 : taste your beating heart by @cinematicnomad - 112k - Mature - Pack Dynamics - Slow Burn/Build - Stilinski Family Feels

Something was wrong in Beacon Hills. Derek was halfway across the country when he felt a call to return to his hometown, and somehow Stiles had been talked into letting the werewolf stay in his guest bedroom. This could lead to nothing good.

11 : between the click of the light and the start of the dream by @thepsychicclam 105k - Explicit - Pack Dynamics - Getting Togheter - Fluff & Angst

A twig snaps, and then Stiles hears breathing and the rustle of leaves. He strains to get a better glimpse into the darkness, but it’s pointless. There’s nothing but a black void.

It's Stiles' senior year, and he's trying to concentrate on normal things - like the lacrosse championship, spring break, prom, graduation (and definitely not Derek) - when he starts having nightmares and waking up in the middle of nowhere. Oh yeah, and he's being haunted by a hag. Great.

12: And You Say You're Alone by taelynhawker - 30k - Explicit - Pack Dynamincs - Bad Friend Scott - Romance

Between the kanima, the Argents, and Peter's untimely return from the dead, everything has fallen apart. Stiles and Derek try to put their lives back together once the crisis has passed. Stiles deals with the aftermath of being tortured, and the distance growing between he and Scott. Derek attempts to become a stronger alpha and keep his pack safe, and that includes Stiles.

13: Trust Fall by Stoney - 144k - Explicit - Body Swap - Hurt/Confort - Slow Burn/Build

Stiles is fairly certain that a case could be made for every bad thing in his life coming back to Peter Hale. This time it's pissing off a powerful witch, who retaliated by swapping Stiles and Derek a la Freaky Friday, because sure. That makes sense. Um, there are GPAs on the line, not to mention the whole thing where his dad wants to shoot Derek on sight. Except who he sees as Derek is actually Stiles, and Stiles did not sign up for filicide.

Great. Wait...does this mean he's the Alpha until they figure this out? Holy. Shit.

****

Derek had stood in front of the bathroom mirror for a few minutes trying to control the panic as he saw himself as Stiles. As the loud mouthed human friend of the pack. He was going to kill Peter. He was going to kill the witch, then he was going to kill Peter. Maybe even resurrect him again just to kill him all over.

They were going to have to play this cool. They would have to stay calm and focused. Which is of course why the universe threw him into this situation with someone who physically couldn't be calm and focused.

Of course.

14: Gravity's Got Nothing on You by @zosofi - 84k - Explicit - Fake/Pretend Boyfriends - Humor - Romance

“Three weeks,” Derek says.

“Still don’t want to,” Stiles says.

“I’ll pay you,” Derek says, and that… that has Stiles interested. Alf’s Antique’s may be a great job, but it’s not a high-paying job, and half of Stiles’s tuition is coming from financial aid, so…

“How much,” Stiles asks, “are we talking here? Because I know your family, dude. And it’ll be kind of awkward after.“

“My family thinks you’re some sort of fucking gift to the world,” Derek seethes, like he’s jealous, “they’ll probably be pissed at me when we break it off, so don’t worry about that. Five hundred bucks.”

“A thousand,” Stiles says, because screw ethics. Also, the Hale family is loaded. Derek can deal.

15: Every Step You Take by @nokomiss - 49k - Mature - Magic - UST - Secret Feelings

Stiles accidentally ends up magically bound to Derek. It’s super.

16: Baking My Way Into Your Heart by theSilence - 179k - Mature - College AU/Coffee Shop AU - Slow Burn/Build - Friends to Lovers

Derek is an uptight college student, all work and no play. His carefully scheduled life is thrown kilter when his regular barista is replaced with someone new.

17: Windows by @drgrlfriend - 83k - Explicit - Blind!Stiles - Friends to Lovers - Found Families

Derek has a new neighbor who won't stop looking.

Excerpt:

“You’re blind,” Derek said flatly, the anger draining from him so suddenly he felt almost woozy. His vision cleared, his claws sliding back into blunt fingernails.

“Thanks for the memo, genius,” the kid said acidly. “I can still fucking defend myself, so don’t take another damn step.”

“Fuck, I...I’m sorry,” Derek stuttered.

“What?!” The kid’s brow crinkled. “I mean — what?! You’re fucking sorry!?” His lips thinned into a harsh line. “What, is this some kinda Hallmark movie where you’re discovering the error of your ways because you don’t want to rob a blind person?! That’s fucking condescending, man. I’ll have you know that —”

“Just, wait.” Derek interrupted what was apparently the start of a convincing argument as to why he should rob the kid after all, feeling his head start to spin. “This is — it’s a misunderstanding. I’m — I’m not robbing you. You’re — you’re safe, okay? I’m taking three steps back. Just — just let me explain.”

“Explain why you came busting into my apartment? Yeah, go right ahead, man, I can’t wait to hear this epic tale.”

18 : Just to See You Again by MellytheHun (@loserchildhotpants) - 15k - Explicit - Love Letters - Getting Together - College AU

A sterek college!AU where writing student Stiles specializes in love letters, runs a blog about it and can be commissioned to write love letters on behalf of lovers who are at a loss for words.

He makes some cash, he’s good at what he does (especially when he gets to be a little more explicit in his letters), it pays for his textbooks and that’s all he’s really looking for and life is fine. That is, until someone anonymously commissions him to write a love letter to mathematics student, Derek Hale.

19: Chasing Slumber by @hyperlittlenori - 21k - Explicit - Post-Nogitsune - Porn With Feelings - Fix it

Stiles finds solitude and a glimpse at recovering from his ordeal with the Nogitsune in a dingy motel far from Beacon Hills. Inhuman blue eyes follow his silent struggles in the darkness of the room and he can no longer pretend to sleep, pretend he hasn’t been profoundly changed by all that has happened. He can only let his fingers stretch out across threadbare but clean sheets and clench around them, in a failed attempt at not reaching for Derek.

20 : the thread is ripping by @thepsychicclam - 36k - Explicit - Pinning - Angst with a happy ending - Flashbacks

Stiles is 27 now, with a master’s degree and a career and a house and a serious boyfriend and a life in San Francisco that doesn't include Derek. But then Stiles unexpectedly shows back up in Beacon Hills, and Derek would recognize that scent anywhere.

If you are interested, feel free to check out my Sterek Fic Recs Collections on A03.

On this lovely note, happy reading guys!

#Fic rec #Sterek #sterek fics rec #sterek fics #my favs!#spread the love #teen wolf #teen wolf fics

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5lazarus · 3 years

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A random prompt for you: "It was a dark and stormy night"

I was at the party ranting about catabasis narratives, wine glass in hand, and somebody walked up to me and handed me a pomegranate. “Fuck you,” I said. But it did its job. I put down the wine glass, or handed it vaguely to someone, and headed to the kitchen. There I began abusing the pomegranate, to make it give up its secrets. “Nature’s treasure box,” I said happily. “Leave me to die in hell.”

Someone stirred: a man, washing his hands at the kitchen sink. I blinked. I was too drunk and not drunk enough to make small talk. “You okay?” he asked. I presented the pomegranate. “Ah, catabasis,” he said understandingly. “I’ll leave you to it.” A rush of love for humanity swept me as he left. The friend hosting the party was a recovered classicist and repentant Maoist. They had the most interesting friends. I took a handful of pomegranate seeds and stuffed them in my mouth. The juice ran red and a few missed my mouth, but still I chewed. Tangy-sweet: like all of life, all emotion is wrapped up in a mouthful of flavor. I knew that this didn't quite make sense but I was pleased with the wave of sentiment that swept me. “Catabasis,” I said, and wiped at my eyes. I surveyed the bloody juice staining the counter. “Iphigenia,” I pronounced, and left. Someone handed me a wad of clean toilet paper as I stumbled through the hallway towards another room; it clung to my hands. “Bruh, you’re super fucked up,” a kindly stranger said. “Drink this.” They pulled me into a circle, where a fervent discussion over the rights and wrongs of 1921 was being hashed out. “Iphigenia,” I added helpfully. “A sacrifice knowingly met.” I drank the water and passed the blunt and settled happily into the scene. Three members of the cadre sat around me. The kindly stranger had the classic bisexual haircut and the classic bisexual septum piercing, but was otherwise remarkable. They were the only one close to sober, and kept an eye on their phone. The others were arguing. One wore a moustache and goatee similar to Comrade Trotsky, and was dressed in all black--black t-shirt, black jeans, black Nikes. I wanted to ask where the rest of black bloc was, but only mumbles came out, which was good because the joke probably wouldn’t have gone over well. The other wore a green cap with a red star and was chewing the end of the blunt. “Tell me one example of an actually existing socialist government led by Trotskyists,” Red Star said. “Come on. I’ll wait.” “The USSR would not have survived World War Two without Trotsky heading up the Red Army,” Comrade said instead. Even I was aware this did not actually answer Red Star’s question. “You can say that any existing socialist government exists due to his contribution to the USSR--and with no thanks to fucking Stalin.” “Yooooooo,” I intoned. I was ignored. The Kindly Bisexual handed me a bowl of popcorn. I took a fistful and began to lap the popcorn up. They shifted away from me slightly. I really needed to sober up. “That doesn’t make any sense,” Red Star said. “So Trotsky made some military contributions--sure. We can’t deny that.” “Some?” Comrade said incredulously. “He fought a war on five fronts!” He put his hand in front of Red Star’s face. Clearly I was not the only one who needed to sober up. “One: the White Army. Two: the--” “Don’t you ever get tired of relitigating twentieth century debates?” Red Star asked. “And get your hand out of my fucking face.” “Comrades!” the Kindly Bisexual hurriedly interrupted. “Look, it’s raining!” We all turned to the window, and I smiled. I loved the rain, especially when I was crossfaded. Indeed, not only was it raining--it was pouring, beginning with a low rumble and rising into a lash against the glass. Lightning cracked suddenly across the sky, flashing us blue. Red Star jumped. “A dark and stormy night,” I exclaimed happily. I clasped my hands together joyously, crunching kernels between my palms. “Who even are you?” Comrade said. “Good fucking question,” I said. “I’m not sure.” I looked at the Kindly Bisexual, who I decided was responsible for my welfare tonight, because clearly they were the voice of reason in this room. “Let me ask my handler.” “Yo, what?” Red Star said. I giggled. “Nice try, FBI.” I made finger guns at them, pushed myself up to my feet unsteadily, and wandered off to the living room. The Catabasis Man was sitting on the couch, eating pomegranate seeds out of a bowl. A group of anonymous leftists sat at his feet, facing the television. They were watching The L Word. I slid next to him. “Out of the earth?” I asked. “I have been reborn,” he agreed. “You good?” “I don’t know who I am,” I said. “But the rain is a good sign.” “Right,” he said. “I think you should eat something.” He got up and headed towards the kitchen, leaving me morose. I wrapped my arms around my legs. “These are not my lesbians,” I said sadly. “Shut up,” said someone on the floor, so I did and walked off again, this time in search of more food. The pomegranates and the popcorn were sitting unsteadily in my stomach, and I needed a less buttery carb. I returned to the bedroom with the Kindly Bisexual and the twentieth-century Marxists. “Fuck you,” the Comrade was saying. “You think I’m a plant? This is clear revisionism.” “Yo,” the Kindly Bisexual said. “What?” Comrade pointed at Red Star. “This is clearly COINTELPRO tactics, with cheap talking points too. Try to sound a little less like an alt-right troll account, Comrade Stalin.” “I’m a Maoist,” Red Star snarled. Thunder rolled. I giggled nervously, and was ignored. “Fuck this shit, man! Stop this copjacketing bullshit.” Red Star turned to the Kindly Bisexual. “You see this shit? You see this shit? Callin’ me a plant? That’s cop shit.” “Uh,” the Kindly Bisexual said. “I think yall need to chill.” “Spiderman points at Spiderman,” I exclaimed happily. I could envision it so easily: just the Spiderman meme, but with one of them with a goatee photoshopped onto the mask, and the other wearing Mao’s red star. It was great. It was great to look at a real-life meme. Comrade crossed his arms. “I’m just saying, it’s not copjacketing when you’re actually a cop. How do we know you’re real? You probably got that hat off Amazon.” “There’s no ethical consumption under late capitalism,” Red Star growled. “Fuck off. You Trots are all the same. Trying to split the party--that’s the real reason why you crazies have never had a successful revolutionary front since 1917, you start the wild accusations and then there’s what! A cult of just two, handing out newspapers at Union Square. Then charging you a dollar when they shove it into your hand.” “Oof,” I said. “Yeah, yeah,” Comrade said. “How’s fundraising for the People’s War of Williamsburg going? I heard you got good turnout for your membership drive at the New School. Soon enough, you’ll have enough people to build yet another base in some swamp. And leave pig heads in front of libraries and some shit.” “We are not affiliated with Red Guard,” Red Star said testily. “And the pig head, well, things are different in Texas.” “Yeah yeah,” Comrade said. “We know all the pig heads were some cop shit. Like who else can end up that much of a parody of themselves?” “You grew the goatee on purpose?” Red Star asked. “Or just to fit in?” The Kindly Bisexual claimed their hands. “Right, okay. I think we’ve all demonstrated enough insider knowledge of the blessed disaster we call the US Left. No more calling each other cops, okay? Because yall are too fucked up, and when I told the SC that I’d be a community steward, this is not what I thought my first case would be.” I thought that sounded vaguely carceral, but at this point sobriety was creeping cold and clear, and kept my tongue fuzzily still. “Urgh,” I said instead. “Anyone got a cigarette?” We all went outside for a smoke. The rain stilled to a mild drizzle. Streetlights made the dirty pavements shine, and I scuffed my shoe against a patch of old gum that had probably been there since all these people moved to Brooklyn. The Kindly Bisexual had the cigarettes, but nobody else had a light, so I found an old lighter I had picked up the last time I was driving home to Tennessee, in a Waffle House outside Murfreesboro. I had forgotten it had a Confederate flag on it. “What the fuck,” the Kindly Bisexual said flatly. “No!” I protested. “Shit. No. I-I just, I’m from Tennessee. Stole it from some guy in a Waffle House.” I hadn’t, I had just swiped it from the counter after I paid, but they didn’t need to know that. “I ain’t--no. No.” “You’re faking that accent,” Comrade accused. Red Star nodded next to him. Was this truly how the New York Left would be united? I was vaguely proud of myself. “No, I just codeswitch around middle class leftists from the North,” I said, annoyed. Comrade made a considering face: fair point. “On account of yall think my accent means I’m stupid. But let me show you the truth. I stole this from a Waffle House, and now it shall be destroyed!” Everyone watched as I threw it on the pavement, hoping it would shatter. It bounced instead. Red Star started to laugh. “Nah, that’s just stupid. Smash it! Smash it!” I slammed my foot down and then howled, because I was wearing flipflops and that hurt. “Motherfucker!” I wept. “Shit.” “Aight, I’m gonna try,” Comrade said. He jumped on it and slipped on the slick pavement, busting his ass. We all howled with laughter, even the Kindly Bisexual, who wiped their eyes--carefully, so as not to smudge their eyeliner--before offering him a hand up. “We have to be strategic about this,” Red Star said. “Let’s use that tree branch.” She grabbed a sizeable bow that must have fallen in the storm. She wielded it, lamppost casting a mad glow to her eyes. “Solidarity, yall!” “Solidarity!” we all echoed. She smashed it down, and we screamed in drunken glee as the plastic went flying. Red Star brandished the branch, grinning. Then we heard the sirens. Up the block, we saw the cop car on the corner, whirling its sirens. Some pig said something incomprehensible but threatening over the loudspeaker. “Shit,” I said. “I’m out.” We ran for it, laughing but anxious, all the way to the train station. We split up after the turnstiles. The others all lived deeper in Brooklyn, but I needed to head to Queens. I climbed up the stairs to the platform and sat down on the wooden bench, pushing anxiety about bed bugs out of my head. I saw the three of them across the tracks and waved. They were all laughing. Red Star was mimicking how she had dealt the killing blow. I waved, and the Kindly Bisexual saw me and waved back. They all looked my way. Their train pulled in and I saw them, brilliantly fluorescent, pile into the Coney Island-bound train. Red Star and the Kindly Bisexual spread out on the empty seats; Comrade grabbed a pole. I waved again, feeling lonely now. Comrade glanced over his shoulder and saw me, and they all waved again. The train pulled away, leaving me in the deserted station, and I thought: well, shit. Back to catabasis again.

#saathiray #nice try fbi #my own damn work #:')#finally done

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pinkpetalwaterimagine · 3 years

Text

Just a Christmas away

A/N : so here is a little something, hope you enjoy guys 🎅🏼🎄🎅🏽🎁🎅🏿Bonne lecture 🌈❤️🎄

Summary : You should celebrate christmas but because of the worldwide situation and snow you are stuck. Thankfully your boss is Charlie Gillespie

Word count : 2.7k

Charlie was becoming big in the movie industry. He now needed an assistant to keep track of everything he needed to do or go. You were so surprised of what was Charlie like. To begin, he recruited you when you just finished school and got your diploma, he didn’t asked for any experience. He knew that you would do everything in your power to run things smoothly for him, he could see your determination in your eyes. And second, you were surprised at how nice he was. Going in this path for your career you expected to work for bratty people and teenagers. You were so surprised to see that Charlie was not a part of this type of people. From the get go he treated you like a friend instead of someone working for him. Sure you had to work and everything but because you did everything on time and basically perfectly everything was fine between the two of you.

A little too perfect for your liking or at least for your professional conscience. Whenever he was shooting you a smile or when he was going for a hug to thanks you or a sweet kiss on the cheek, everything he did put butterflies in your stomach as cheesy as it sounds. And boy you were afraid of insects, figuratively speaking. You were at the beginning of your career and you couldn’t already feel attached to your first client, or any client for that matter ! It was a code of ethics issue.

Anyway, here you were, a week from Christmas and you still didn’t know how to go back in your native country. Of course, every fly was cancelled because of the pandemic AND the snow. Nothing could go more wrong. You were working on the kitchen counter of Charlie’s flat, waiting for him to get dressed and go to an interview on the other side of town.

Once you finished arranging Charlie’s schedule for the next month you get back to your number one task : finding a flight. It was impossible and the more you scrolled through the numerous web pages the more you grew frustrated. It has been almost a year since you’ve seen your family and you just wanted to spend nice vacations with them.

Charlie finally exited the bathroom in fresh clothes and you could smell his cologne from meters but he looked good, really good. Focus, you thought, that is not the moment to think about your hot hot client. But damn those jeans.

« Are you alright Y/N ? » he asked concern in his voice.

« Yes, well - you pause - it’s just that I want to go back to France for the vacations and see my family and everything but it is impossible because of … well you know the all pandemic thing. » you said quickly. You didn’t like to talk about yourself you always felt that if they were a barrier between the two of you the feelings you were feeling would just vanish and everything would be alright. Most of the time you would have a great banter with him but you tried to not talk about personal things.

« Oh Y/N ! I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that you couldn’t go back or that you planned to ? » he stammered.

« Well, spending Christmas alone is not great but it is just a continuance of this year I guess. » you sighed, « anyway, we need to go, we don’t want you to be late » you smiled, reassuring him that it was not that big of a deal.

You were coming back from the interview and you were infant of Charlie’s flat, waiting for him to get back inside of his home to go back to yours and wallow in self-pity eating ice cream infant of a ridiculous Christmas comedy, but yet still enjoyable.

He stood in the seat of the car, as if he was debating with himself about a matter you didn’t knew.

« What’s in your head, pretty boy ? » you asked and before you could even stop, the nickname rolled out of your tongue and dark shade of red tinted your cheeks. He looked at you also surprised by the nickname but let it go.

« Would you want to come upstairs and just have a drink ? » he asked shyness overtaking him. « I know that it’s hard to be away from family and everything but at least you have your friends with you. »

You nodded and the both of you went to his apartment. He uncorked a bottle of wine and you looked at him raising an eyebrow. Charlie was definitely not a wine guy, he was more of a beer guy or something a little bit let’s say modest. « Wine, huh? » you asked with a small smirk.

« Well because you know, you’re French you’re supposed to like wine and cheese and baguette. » he said filling all the boxes on the stereotypical French list. No he just didn’t said the beret. You laughed at what he said. « you know we don’t all like wine and cheese and certainly not the crap « french » things they made you buy in here. But I appreciate the effort. » you smiled and he smiled back at you.

The conversation was flowing between the two of you like two old friends. You always had a good relationship with him. He could always count on you and vice versa. As the night went, the two of you moved to the couch, still with the bottle of wine infant of you. You were not drunk but you were feeling relaxed and happy due to the alcohol and Charlie was in the same state as you were. The two of you had red cheeks and were giggling at every little thing happening on the screen. Charlie had asked if you wanted to stay and watch a Christmas movie and of course you agreed.

As the credit of the third movie was rolling on the screen, you decided to close your eyes just for a minute to be back in the game for the next movie. Charlie was near you and you let your head rest on his tight. It was so comfy and he was playing with your hair delicately. That feeling of just feeling appreciated and having a small moment of intimacy had your heart pounding and swelling with a feeling that you didn’t wanted to knew. But somehow you just enjoyed the moment, for once in your life you would do something completely irrational. And you felt your eyes closing and suddenly you were asleep.

Charlie was surprised to see you like that, so relaxed with him. You always tried to keep your relationship professional or at least friendly even if he always tried to get you to understand that he wanted more. He wanted you to fall asleep on him, not only on his couch but in his bed too, he wanted to be able to hold you in his arms for as long as he wanted, to randomly kiss you just because you did that thing that he loved when you were watching something scary and your nose would just crinkle. He sighed and laid down next to you on the couch, falling in the arms of Morpheus.

You were starting to wake up when you felt the presence of a body behind you. You opened your eyes, your head hurting a bit, and turn around to see the mop of Charlie’s hair. Oh no, oh no no no you thought. That can’t be happening, it was already hard not falling for him on a regular basis but sleeping (actually sleeping) with him was not a good idea. You were frozen, you didn’t knew what to do. Let him sleep, slip away and go back to your apartment before he wakes up and never talk about this again. As you were debating your options, you heard the front door open and before you could get up Owen was standing in the living room.

« Oh, well, hello guys ! » he said wiggling his eyebrows. « didn’t know that you would be there for me Y/N. » he mocked.

You tried to get as far as possible from Charlie and you ended up having your foot stuck in the blanket and rolling down the couch hitting your head on the carpet of the living room. This situation was such a mess. Nothing could go more wrong.

You were putting on your shoes quickly and recollecting all of your stuff. In no time you were yelling goodbye and literally running down the hall to get away.

Charlie was still half asleep and not realizing what happened. He closed his eyes when he heard the door slam and Owen sat on the couch next to him. « Want to talk about it ? » he asked. Charlie just answered by a short « no ». He didn’t think that there was something to talk about. The two of you were just asleep on a couch in front of a Christmas movie. You didn’t do anything wrong and even if you kissed or whatever it was not wrong, it was just acting on his feelings and letting you know that in fact he was ready for something more with you.

You had not spoken to Charlie since « the incident ». You thought it was ridiculous to called it that way because nothing happened, but deep down you knew that friends don’t do that, they don’t wake up holding each other and contemplating the other when they sleep. You shook away those thoughts and tried to get on with your work. Christmas was in two days and you will spend it all alone, which sucks but whatever. You only contacted Charlie about work stuff. And you knew that you sounded cold but you thought the best idea was to put as much distance as needed between the two of you.

Your phone rang and you almost jumped out of your chair, the silence being broken by the special song you put when Charlie was calling. You took a deep breath and answered, he was still your boss after all.

« Hello… » you said unsure.

« Y/N ! How are you ? » it was weird, the two of you chitchatting as if nothing happened.

« Good, did you call for any particular reason ? » your voice trailing off at the end.

« Uhm, well. I know that you can’t spend Christmas with your family and with the cast we decided to throw a little Christmas party for the ones that can’t go home or anything, so we wanted to know if you would come join us ? I swear it’s going to be fun, almost everyone you know from set would be there and yeah …. »

You were touched by his care for you and for a minute you said nothing, thinking about all your possibilities. « okay, that sounds nice, I really hope it’s not bothering anyone though ? » you inquired. « C’mon Y/N you are always welcome in this household » you heard Owen said.

Christmas night. Charlie’s house. You were stressed. You had all the gifts for everyone it wasn’t much but you figured that they would like it. You were out of your work clothes that consisted in a pencil skirt and a blouse and you were wearing a cute red dress that said Christmas.

You entered the home that was already fill with people and laughter. You said hello to everyone, a big smile on your lips. Yes, you weren’t with your family but being with your friends was a good compromise. You tried to catch up with everyone, what they were up to, their next project and everything.

« Wow » Charlie couldn’t contain his awe. Owen that was standing next to him just laughed at the reaction of his friend and decided to go say hello to you knowing Charlie would follow.

Owen took you in his arms, happy to see you. Behind him Charlie was waiting for his turn to talk to you. Owen finally let you in Charlie’s company. It was a bit awkward, after running away from this same flat and just being back here like nothing happened. He went in for a hug while you went for « la bise » and you cursed at your French ways. Your lips landed near the corner of his lips while his body was pressed against yours. The both you blushed and went in opposite directions to calm yourselves down.

Everyone was laughing and dancing around the living room. « I know what we should do ! Karaoke baby! » Jeremy exclaimed and everyone, of course, was on board.

The boys tried to recreate their famous lift, almost smashing the tv at the same time but it was all fun and games. Madison sang the first verse of « all I want for Christmas is you » and everyone joined in after. It was so beautiful. Suddenly the mood changed when a slow song began and everyone coupled up for a slow. Madison and Jadah were dancing together, same for Jeremy and Carolynn, Owen and Savannah too, leaving Charlie and you. He extended his hand towards you and you took it not wanting to seem like the Debbie downer of the party. The two of you were rocking back and forth to the rhythm of music. Your head was resting on his shoulders and his hands were delicately resting on your hips. You were almost sad when the song ended.

« Guys !!! We have our winner » Madi screamed. Everyone stopped what they were doing, asking themselves what she was talking about. « they are under the mistletoe ! And It is a tradition to kiss under the mistletoe ! »

You were looking around the living room to see who was under the mistletoe when you realized that she was talking about you and Charlie.

« Aha guys, we’re not doing that. » you laughed without looking at Charlie.

Hearing you said that hurt him. He wasn’t sure about your feelings for him already and saying that just proved that you were not interested.

« C’mon, it’s just a small kiss » Owen added. Everyone was cheering the two of you and you couldn’t handle the pressure anymore. You ran towards the door as quickly as your heels let you. Charlie had a deja vu impression from when you ran away after the night you spent here and this time he was neither tipsy or asleep and he won’t let you go without saying anything.

He ran outside and as you were trying to locate your car he stopped you, gently grabbing your arm. « you have to stop doing this Y/N » he said pouting. « what was that inside, if you didn’t wanted to kiss me you could just say so, I would never force you to do anything you don’t want to. »

« The problem is not that I don’t want to kiss you » Charlie’s eyebrows raised so high at that statement « it’s just that we can’t, I’m your assistant and we can’t mix business and pleasure, you Know that, but don’t believe I don’t want to kiss you. I have been asking this myself a lot but I don’t know, what if it changes everything between the two of us. » you were rambling.

« You want to kiss me ? » he asked you like it’s the only thing he heard from your rambling.

« Well, yes but no I just explained that we can’t » you were suddenly cut by a pair of soft lips crashing against your own. You could feel Charlie’s hands shaking. You took his hands in your own and kissed him back.

« You were always more than an assistant for me Y/N. » he softly said. You smiled and engulfed him in a hug. Taking in all of him, not being afraid of what it could do to your career or anything. Just being here with him. You closed your eyes listening to his breathing in your ear. You opened your eyes and saw that it began snowing. Charlie’s hair were full of snowflakes and the tip of his nose was red and he looked so cute.

« It is a bit cold ? » he laughed. You mumbled a yes and the two of you ran inside the hall of the complex. Once you were in a heated building again, Charlie grabbed your hips and pulled you in for an another kiss. « I can’t seem to get enough of that » he murmured.

#jatp #jatp imagine #jatp fanfic #jatp cast #charlie imagine #charlie gillespie #charlie gillespie x reader #charlie gillespie imagine #charlie x reader #christmas imagine #charlie gillespie fanfic #charlie gillespie imagines

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fruit-teeth · 4 years

Text

Caramel

(UGH SO HERE IT FINALLY IS! This is what I’ve been working on the past few days, and it’s an idea I’ve been entertaining for a while. This will be part of a multi-chapter fic, but I wanna know what you guys think! After all, I don’t know if anyone else before now has written a fanfic where the central character is the Fried Chicken Tramp who had one line in ‘Expiration Date’, but here you have it. You didn’t ask for it, but it’s here, and I hope you all like it.)

There are lots of things one could say about Carla Wilde. The first being that she didn’t like to be called Carla—if you called her Carla, she’d give you the dirtiest look and correct you.

“It’s Caramel,” she would insist, in the lowest and most menacing voice she could muster.

The reason for her nickname has been debated, but she says and maintains to this day that it was because of one specific incident when she was in third grade: a teacher had passed out candies to students as a reward, and little Carla had somehow wound up with a chewed, sticky caramel candy in her blonde hair, and it was so bad the teacher had to cut the mass of sweetness out with the craft scissors. After this, the other children took to calling her “Caramel Head”, which upset her very much at first, as it would any small girl at that age. The nickname eventually was shortened to “Caramel”, and do you know what the tragic thing is? As time passed, she began to answer to it.

She was flawed, and she knew it, too. She felt embarrassed about having a poor work ethic and not having a job, and equally embarrassed about being forced to live with her father, despite being well into her twenties at this point.

It was here, at age twenty-six, that Caramel Wilde had the loudest, most explosive argument with her father in their apartment, one that every neighbor heard but acted like they didn’t hear. Moments later, Caramel was shoved onto the sidewalk outside the door, suitcase clutched in her hand as her father shouted the following statement at her:

“You’re never gonna be shit, Carla! If you wanna be a fucking tramp, get out of my house and start being a tramp on the streets like all the other women!”

Caramel whirled around, her hand clenching with rage around the suitcase’s handle and she barked back, “It’s Caramel, you fucking pig!” before spitting in his face.

She was homeless, now, and she was alone. She had nowhere to go—she could go back to her father and beg his forgiveness, but she wasn’t that kind of woman. She never had been, and she had promised herself that she never would be. She would prove him wrong, she had to prove him wrong.

Caramel leaned against the side of a nearby building to consider her options, but she was too hungry to think. She had money, some bills stashed in her wallet, and she knew that would at least get her some fried chicken from the diner.

Now Caramel has been and always will be an enigma to many, since she is the embodiment of the age-old question, “How can a skinny girl eat like that and still stay skinny?” Caramel herself wasn’t sure how she could eat the fat-filled and sugary diet she did and still have a decent figure, but she never questioned it. She was beautiful, she attracted men, and she slept with many of them, yet a relationship with any of them was undesired.

But wouldn’t luck have it that night that one of these men she had slept with in the past happened to be at the same diner where she had stopped to comfort eat? Not just any man, but the young man who had only identified himself to Caramel as “The Scout” (she didn’t understand why but hadn’t asked him at the time).

He recognized her from across the diner, and without thinking he walked right up to her and slapped a hand on her shoulder in greeting.

“Hey!” Scout greeted loudly as if he were greeting an old friend. “Long time no see!”

Caramel almost choked on the chicken she was hunched over, and she looked up in bewilderment. “What? Huh?”

“You remember me, right?” he sat down right next to her at the counter, grinning at her. “You gotta, no one ever forgets me,”

It clicked in less than a minute, and Caramel gasped slightly. “Oh! You—yeah, I remember you,” she cleared her throat, wiping roughly at her mouth with a napkin. “What’s, uh, what’s up?”

Scout shrugged. “I dunno, I just wanted to see how you were doin’ since I last saw you. I mean, I ain’t really seen you since, but…”

“Did you wanna hook up again?” she asked, a little blunt, but that was her style.

Scout seemed as though he was caught off guard for a moment. “Uh—well, I dunno, if you want, I guess. I just wanted to catch up with ya, really,”

Caramel looked skeptically at him. He definitely wanted sex out of her, why else would he be talking her up? She wouldn’t mind sleeping with him again, but this would be her first time sleeping with the same man twice. Still, she sighed, shrugging. “Well, thanks. My life’s pretty shit right now, but I’m glad there’s some kinda friendly face here,”

Scout tilted his head at her, his face changing to a look of concern. “Aw, what happened? Hey, you want a drink? ‘Cause I can get you a drink—”

Caramel held up the glass of lemonade she was sipping at. “I got one, thanks,”

“I-I meant like…” Scout tried to explain himself. “An alcohol drink, or whatever. So you don’t feel shitty,”

It was tempting, but given her current circumstance, she knew better. “Nah, but thanks for the offer,”

There was a short pause between them before Scout cleared his throat. “Uh, okay. So…are you, like…busy with anything?”

Caramel was about to tell him off, to demand that he shut up and leave her alone, but a thought popped into her head when she saw the earnest look in his eyes and realized he really wanted to do something nice for her. Why? Probably because he wanted to have sex with her again (although, he really could just say that outright, she preferred men who were direct about it) but Caramel didn’t have anyone else around to help her. There was only him, this young man who hardly had a name to her.

“Actually,” she cleared her throat. “I wanna ask—do you know anyone who needs like…work? And-and also, do you know any cheap places I could stay at?”

Scout thought about it. “Hm…why?”

Caramel shrugged. “I’m in kinda a tough spot, I don’t have anywhere to go, I’m gonna run out of money soon, and…that’s basically it,” she sipped at her lemonade again, her eyes darting away.

She could feel him watching her face in silence, for an uncomfortably long time, until he leaned a little closer to her. “Well,” he began. “I don’t know anyone, but…if ya need a place to, you know, get back on your feet, you can crash at my place for a while,”

Caramel looked back up, surprised. “…really?”

“Sure!” Scout shrugged. “But, I gotta warn you: I work there too, my job gets pretty loud, but we got a spare room there and—”

“Good enough for me,” Caramel cut in. She didn’t really know what she was agreeing to, but beggars couldn’t be choosers, here.

“Really?” Scout’s face lit up. “Aw, that’s awesome! L-listen, you don’t gotta pay rent, I’ll sort everything out, but—”

Caramel took a bite of chicken, interrupting him again. “Listen, though,” she began carefully. “If you fuck me over, boy scout, I will rip your fucking face apart,”

Scout seemed a little taken aback by this remark, but he quickly cleared his throat and composed himself. “N-no, no, I promise I ain’t gonna do anything like that! But, I gotta warn you that I have some, ah…roommates, and they can be a little wack,”

Caramel sighed: she didn’t know where this would lead, but she was desperate. She set down the piece of chicken she was eating, looking back up at Scout. “I’m fine with that,” she assured him. “Just as long as they ain’t pigs,”

#sometimes i see female characters who don't have names or stories and i say 'i will change that'#im excited to write this but idk how often updates will be #life has been hectic #writing #my writing #tf2 fanfiction #tf2 #tf2 scout #fried chicken girl #thats her name on the wiki #but in my heart shes caramel #caramel

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edo-vivendum · 5 years

Text

My Past Two Years 11/2019

I wanna tell yall the briefish version of my past two years. Two years ago, I was doing okay. I proudly identified as 99% recovered from the eating disorder which I'd done IOP treatment for twice. Yet at the same time, I was in a rigid daily routine and maintaining a "healthy" yet artificially low weight (though I didn't realize this). But I was doing way better than I had in high school or in my first two semesters of college. However, I was finding myself fairly frequently overwhelmed with emotional flashbacks, and I decided I was stable enough and ready to finally dig deeper in therapy and delve into my childhood traumas.

I was very wrong. I was far from stable enough to do outpatient trauma work. I managed to fight my eating disorder thoughts and urges through the spring semester, but the signs were there: I was slipping. I was crying most days at lunch. I was lying, arguing over food, skipping meals. Things I'd promised myself I'd never do again. Finals week I told myself I had to follow an old meal plan: I needed energy to perform well in my tests, tests which would replace lower grades from days and weeks during the semester when I just couldn't gather the energy to study. And I did it, I finished the semester with all A's, a feat that was quickly overshadowed by my rapidly disintegrating mental and physical health.

During this period of time, my thoughts were obsessively suicidal, but only when I was eating (adequately). And so I stopped. It seemed safer, a temporary delve into my eating disorder in order to stay alive. Seems fair? I was terrified I'd accidently kill myself. I was so overcome with shame and guilt. I thought I'd be able to just turn my eating disorder off again the moment I was ready. But it didn't work like that.

My mental health was overpowering my sheer will power, and I quickly found myself deeper in my eating disorder than I had been in years. And unlike in high school, my body couldn't take it for months and months on end. I found myself in the ER and was told that I couldn't do IOP anymore, that the lowest level of care that was ethically appropriate when I was a medical risk was PHP, and so I did PHP (a day program). I couldn't think straight, ever. My thoughts were hazy. I couldn't concentrate. It was like being dissociated constantly, except it was there even when I wasn't. And as an all A student, a girl who (at that time) found my confidence only in my intellect, I was terrified. But I was also terrified I'd accidently kill myself if I stopped restricting. But, regardless, I ate my meals in program, arguing and debating over every bite. Then curling up and crying. I stayed alive for the swim team I coach during the summer. I coached in the morning then headed to PHP for the rest of the day. And those kids brought me so much joy. They kept me alive. Them and my guilt. The thought of damaging the lives of everyone around me by ending my own made me so guilty.

Eventually, somehow, I graduated, stepped down to IOP again, and only had groups for a three hours 3 days a week (rather than 6 hrs 6x/week). But then one day they challenged my rigidity. They told me I couldn't bring plain rice with 1 tsp of butter + chik'N (vegan) nuggets + steamed broccoli + a cheese stick. It met my meal plan. Precisely. And they said it was disordered. (it was). They asked me to add ketchup to my nuggets. Something overcame me, and I couldn't do it. I cried so much that night that they pulled me out of the room and had me sit individually with someone. "This is not an IOP response." It wasn't. And suddenly I realized that I had never been recovered, that my rigidity was part of my eating disorder, that I had MILES of work to do, and it was too much. I couldn't do it (at that point in time). I felt so defeated. And I didn't know what to do. And in my defeat, my urges became harder to fight, and my intake once again decreased dangerously.

PHP was suggested again, but I was skeptical. If it didn't work before, why would it work now? My outpatient therapist mentioned to me that residential treatment was only a slightly higher level of care than php. I started looking into options. I felt like a fraud. I wasn't underweight. I wasn't physically at risk to myself (my team and my current self disagree with that). But I didn't think I needed it. But part of me found hope in the idea. What if I could go somewhere and receive ED treatment and trauma treatment at the same time? Somewhere where I'd be safe from myself? In my head, the options seemed to be : (1) die (2) starve myself until I die (3) go to residential treatment, give it my all, and try to recover.

And so I picked option 3. I felt like a fraud, but my insurance covered it. I did my research, and I picked Monte Nido River Towns in New York City suburbs. Within two weeks, I was flying up there. I was terrified, but I was ready to work.

It was harder than I ever imagined. I was so scared. Never before had I lost so much control over my food. I got no say in what was in front of me other than my choice of three food items i could exclude. I picked Brussel sprouts and red meat (and later added raw onions as a third bc the chef overdid it on the onions every time). Monte Nido was stricter than my local program in so many ways, but they were also more supportive. For the first time, I was able to begin to explore my past. I was able to start healing. While there, I realized I was sicker than I could have previously admitted. Most of the clients there were at healthy weights (many of whom has anorexia or atypical Anorexia diagnoses). My bloodwork was a mess. I was having heart palpitations nearly daily. My sodium was low, and my water intake was restricted in order to level my sodium. I realized I'd been overhydrating previously, and it felt like I was withdrawing from a drug. I was always thirsty, overheating, dry throat. It was terrible, but after a few days, I adjusted to drinking only 64 ounces of water a day (I know that's such a normal amount lolll I have no clue how much it was before!!).

My insurance only covered 30 days, and I wasn't ready. I discharged to a PHP in Boston also owned by Monte Nido. I stayed in their supportive housing and did a month and a half of php. It helped. I slowly improved some. I became more stable with meal plan compliance. I started to realize how bad my family was for me. It was only in their absence that I began to flourish. I was preparing my own food outside of program. I did another month and half of IOP in Boston, and then in November, about one year ago, I came home to continue IOP at my local program.

And things became stagnant. I would have a good week and then two bad weeks. Things were stable enough to not need PHP again, but not stable enough to discharge. But I couldn't stay in IOP forever, and after 5 months, they discharged me.

I knew I wasn't ready, but I was determined to try to make it work. I knew I couldn't stay in IOP forever. But I wanted so badly to recover, and I was so scared I'd fall backwards.

So I did pretty well for about a month, then slowly things started slipping. I'm not sure what happened per say. I think I was probably brute forcing it, and I couldn't keep it up. I decided to go back to IOP, not in the full program, just twice a week, sort of a tune up. That was the plan anyways.

I did an assessment on a Monday, started that evening. I was to come back on Thursday. Tuesday, I went to my parents, and for whatever reason, my brother told me that it was my fault that I was bullied.

I spiraled. It triggered shame and guilt. It triggered my own belief that it was my fault. As though all my work had come undone, I was suicidal again.

I tried to hold it together. My therapist talked to me on the phone countless times over that week, but on Saturday afternoon, I asked my boyfriend to take me to the hospital. I didn't feel safe with myself. I was scared to be in the bathroom alone.

The hospital was a horrible experience. It was my second time in a psych hospital, and this time was by far the worst. There were 38 women in a small unit. We spent all our time in a day room that definitely was not designed for 38 people. Most of the people there were detoxing and were sporatic and loud and... Terrifying to me with PTSD from being bullied and verbally abused by peers and teachers. Staff were verbally abusive. Finally, after what felt like a year but was only six days, I left the hospital. My suicidality had been quite literally scared out of me, but my anxiety was 10/10 constantly. I felt unsafe. I was shaking consistently for an entire week. Even now, I start shaking thinking about it.

My therapist suggested residential trauma treatment at a place in Florida called the Refuge. They had an eating disorder program as well, so they would be able to take me (as most places just straight up won't take you if you have an ED but most ED places don't do real trauma work either). Anyways, this place was amazing. I was there for two months, and I grew so much. I was surrounded by support. The ED part of the program was pretty relaxed, which in some ways was good but in other ways let me act out through my eating while doing trauma work. But they kept me contained enough that I was very safe physically. I was so emotionally supported; I don't even have the words for it. My program therapist gave me new understanding of myself. She tested and diagnosed me with Asbergers and taught me that some aspects of my rigidity were likely because of asbergers and not because of my ED —that it was OK if my recovery looked a little different than other people's recovery. I was able to share in groups about my childhood, and I received a ton of validation and support for traumas that I perceived as not worthy of being traumatized by. I was supported and respected and made a ton of progress in respecting and supporting myself.

I discharged back into the shitty ass local iop program. I needed to refocus on the food aspect just a little and get back on track with food. I had a little weight I needed to gain in order to be at my own set point. Blah blah. Etc.

This program has been such a mess. My case manager told me everyone walked on eggshells around me. When I advocated for myself, I was told I was being needy. Then they told me I had to discharge because I was refusing to learn to cope with emotions despite the fact that my outpatient team and I both agree that I'd made huge progress. Before going to the refuge, the experience would have been triggering, but instead it became an opportunity for me to prove to myself just how resilient I have become. I finally discharged IOP last week, and this time, I actually feel ready.

I've been meal plan compliant for months. I've been actively using coping skills and managing situations more effectively than I ever have before. I have made so so so much progress; and I can say, today, I am happy to be alive. I haven't had a suicidal thought since being home from the Refuge. I haven't self-harmed since September. I still have work to do, but I can also accept where I'm at while I'm doing that work. Life is good. I am confident I can keep this up for months, even years.

#ed recovery #mental health #Tw treatment #Tw food mention #Personal #11.19.19 #Recovery #anorexia recovery #eating disorder recovery #recovery #Edulting #Actuallyed

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kingofthewilderwest · 5 years

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I don’t think it was wrong for hiccup to put his first best friend toothless over his people. Because I would do the same for my dog. Animal lives are far more important then human lives. Humans are horrible so why should someone who got bullied his whole life care about the people who tormented him over an animal who actually cares about him and doesn’t judge him. Humans judge you animals don’t. Thoughts on this?

Seeing a discussion topic like this gives me immediate flashbacks to my undergrad in Philosophy and those Ethics courses. XD

There’s several things that pop into my head about this ask, since you’re bringing up multiple topics that could be debated in depth ethically. I want to make several things clear in my response before I get the ball rolling:

I may be wrong, but you, friend, sound like someone who lives life through your heart. If so, I imagine that means you find emotions and feelings extremely important, and these are used to guide your life choices. It’d be the framework by which you see of the world. Your perspective is valuable and beautiful. I do want to make you aware, though, I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m not able to respond to this question with the same emotive values-based discussion because I think differently. I navigate the world with a logic focus. The fact the two of us differ and have different ideas about us is beautiful! Please understand none of what I say will be dismissing, devaluing, or decrying your perspective, just supplying my own alternate framework.Now, sometimes people talk about ‘cold logic’ as though it’s separate from morality, but I believe logical choices require conscientious moral judgment. If you ignore morality when you make a choice, you’re not being logical because you’re not taking all important factors into account. This means that my discussion will be a LOT more logical than you probably think about this topic, or expected me to handle it. But this is the way I can respect and tackle the ethical questions!

Interesting as the topic is, I don’t want to turn this into a back-and-forth discussion with anyone. But I do want to point out before I provide my thoughts: different ethical schools of thought have existed for millennia for a reason. Ethics is an extraordinarily nuanced topic and ergo, hard to arrive at a definitive “answer” for, even when we’re all acting out of love. And frankly, ethics is a topic I think humans are incapable of fully understanding.

As you discuss it, animals are worth more because you see them as morally pure. Humans, however, have moral failings and can do terrible things. The people of Berk hurt Hiccup, which makes them less valuable to you.

To me, this brings up three big relevant questions:

Is someone’s value based on their morality?

Can we judge animals on morality in the same way we do humans?

How immoral were the Hairy Hooligans?

But the final concluding remarks I’ll have (see Read More) will be looking at THW. I’m not 100% sure which part of canon you’re discussing, but since THW showcases Hiccup needing to make a choice between staying with Toothless or becoming a human leader apart from dragons…

In THW, it’s not a strict matter of putting animals or humans first. Either Hiccup hangs out with Toothless and puts both species in danger, or Hiccup gives humans and dragons and Toothless what is best for everyone. And if Hiccup wanted to stay with Toothless, he’d only be making a choice based on his own happiness, not on whether or not he’s actually helping his friend (Toothless will have a happy life even if he leaves New Berk). In the end, Hiccup’s two moral options mean his outcome is either “happy” or “less happy,” but the results for everyone around him is “saved” or “condemned” to war and possible death. And choosing a preference of happy vs unhappy instead of life vs death to me is something I wouldn’t call ethically responsible. Hiccup putting the people of Berk first before hanging out with Toothless is something I’d call the right choice.

The first question is one I care about a lot personally. It’s deep in my values, I mean. You don’t have to agree with me, that’s chill, but again: the reason different ethical frameworks exist is because ethics is complicated! XD

I have strong beliefs that all lives are inherently valuable. As I believe, neither productivity in society nor ethical choice changes the fact lives are innately valuable. When someone is evil, the reason that is disturbing isn’t because they’re “automatically bad” and “born horrible”; it’s because they have a valuable soul that they corrupted through their unseemly life choices. All of us are human and all of us err. All of us could have lived a life purer than we did, and all of us could have descended to worse evil than we did. We all have within us the potential to be horribly evil, and we all have within us the potential to be a thoughtful and considerate soul. Our value doesn’t wax and wane as we calculate our ratio of sins to virtue, because the tragedy of the sin is that our innately valuable soul is being used for evil instead of the good it could do.

This is also coming from someone who hates the idea that people “deserve” to have bad things happen to them. And I am also someone who hates ideas of revenge or “getting back at someone.” If a person hurt you, they hurt you and that’s wrong, but that doesn’t give you the right to stoop to their level and hurt them back. You’re just repeating what they did and making yourself as bad as they were in the first place. That’s petty and cruel. (Note: this is different than discipline, which is done with an intent to curb dangerous effects for someone’s actions, and to correct behavior to help someone grow.)

Humans can be horrible. Unfortunately, you’re right. Our species can be awful. I think that’s why we need to take actions to help our species grow. Helping other humans is a step we need to take to make society better and less horrible. The more we make choices to help people, the more we fight back on the horrible things humans do to one another - then in turn, the more we prevent those things from happening. For some, they’ll keep being evil. But for many others, they’ll be taught how to be better, and as they grow, they’ll become more acting agents working to make the world a better place. It’s to note that, in many cases, people make horrible choices because they were victims and weren’t put in an environment where they could fully learn to act healthily; this is unfortunately why abuse may continue generation to generation in families. Kids grow up to enact the same abuse their parents did to them. Ergo, someone can be both a victim and a perpetrator. Instead of condemning that behavior as an indicator of evil in human society, and say these people deserve to be left behind… I’d rather step in to prevent the cycle from continuing, and give the next generations a chance to grow and live happier, healthier, kinder, and more compassionate lives.

Hiccup abandoning the Hairy Hooligans makes no social progress and doesn’t give humanity a chance to grow to be better people; Hiccup helping the Hairy Hooligans does good work. This isn’t to say we’re morally obligated to help everyone who does a wrongdoing (we’re not), but it is something to keep in mind before we say that someone should suffer and/or be punished because they’ve done wrong.

And I think that Hiccup being the chief of Berk makes him especially responsible to them.

So for me, I don’t think that the Hooligans’ behavior toward Hiccup is any excuse for letting them suffer. The world is a better place by preventing a cycle of more suffering, not perpetuating it. And in the case of Hiccup’s conflict between him and Toothless, this is a matter of saving lives from an upcoming war - a pretty big deal.

But my ethical opinionating here can be sidestepped through the other two questions I raised. Whether or not you agree with me here, I think we can look at two other relevant angles fresh.

The second question deals with how we judge animal morality. I’ve heard debaters mention dolphins save lives and murder people, suggesting moral behaviors akin to humans. I’ve seen people talk about how dogs show guilt after they’ve done something they know will bother owners. I’ve seen people point out that whether or not humans can morally kill to eat meat is different than discussing whether or not carnivores like lions (whose entire biology requires meat) can morally kill to eat meat.

But honestly for me, I think it’s comparing apples to oranges, and we get nowhere by trying to put a human framework on a species that isn’t human. I don’t want to project my human values on their behaviors. Dogs, lions, and dolphins won’t have the same internal psychology as me on account of them being different species. I can’t judge a dog for acting like a dog because I can’t be a dog knowing how dogs think through choices.

So to say that one creature is more valuable than another on account of their moral perspectives… to me is impossible to do. To say one species deserves suffering more than another frankly bothers me. (And yes, that includes ants, spiders, snakes, and wasps. I squeed happily when I saw a snek the other night - what an adorable cutie

The third question I think is the most relevant. How much wrong did the Hairy Hooligans really do to Hiccup? And are they irredeemable for it?

Hiccup felt ostracized from his tribe because he couldn’t kill dragons like they could. He didn’t feel like his father respected who he was, and was hurt by some of the things Stoick said about/to him. He was taunted by peers for being a screw-up. The adults of the tribe could speak harshly to/of him, too.

Now, I don’t want to defend the people of Berk in their bad choices. I don’t think it’s okay to mock your peers, for instance. I don’t agree with disowning a kid ever. But at the same time, I think it’s important to look at both sides of what went down in Hiccup’s situation in HTTYD 1.

1. Hiccup is not innocent. Hiccup’s struggles are understandable. He wants to fit in in a society that’s filled with dragon-fighting Vikings. He wants to be a dragon-fighting Viking too because that means he’ll no longer feel like the odd one out. The desire to fit in and be respected is especially prominent in teenaged years. Teens want to fit in badly, and they can emotionally struggle thinking “I’m different and no one understands or respects me.” Ergo, Hiccup wants to murder dragons, JUST like everyone else.

Hiccup’s desire to fit in with a warrior culture is so strong he makes VERY BAD choices. Hiccup repeatedly charges into battle. Hiccup is an untrained teenager who shouldn’t be in a dangerous dragon fight. He’s a liability, not just for himself, but for everyone in the village. He can make the battle harder for the fighters, and he can put himself in harm’s way so that now others have to save him. Hiccup trying to fight dragons is outright irresponsible, and puts not only his own life at risk, but the lives of the adults around him. I can sympathize with him wanting to fit in and prove his worth… his emotional pains are relatable… but he’s going about it the wrong way. Trying to fit in by putting others’ lives in danger is not okay.

There’s a reason the Vikings of Berk are annoyed at this kid. Hiccup is repeatedly instructed not to put his and their lives in danger. He keeps doing it, putting his selfish insecurities first and their safety last. When the Vikings grumble, it’s because this kid is making bad, selfish choices.

And let’s be real: it’s not so different a world where Hiccup could have killed Toothless with his first shot. And if he did, would he have become a repeated dragon killer like the others? He’s living in a culture where that is the norm, and his desires (as evident in the start of the first film) show he’s not separate from his culture. A unique set of circumstances was what allowed Hiccup to stare deep into Toothless’ eyes, reflect on what he was doing, and make a choice to be different (a hard choice that he derided himself for, and only grew to accept as his friendship with the dragon grew).

2. They’re at war. The Hairy Hooligans do not know about the Red Death. They don’t know that the dragons are being forced to raid the village. All they know is that their livestock, their homes, and their lives are in jeopardy because enormous winged beasts attack them. The dragons are attacking their settlement, not the other way around. The Vikings have never made it to the dragon nest and the dragons’ environment, but the dragons appear to be the aggressors.

The Vikings, as far as they can understand their situation, are defending themselves. They’ve had to learn to fight dragons to stay alive.

In the middle of a war, a kid comes up to you and says the enemy’s okay. How easy is that going to be to accept? Especially when the Kill Ring turns into chaos, and both a Night Fury and a Monstrous Nightmare are fighting humans?

Hiccup might be trying to show them that dragons aren’t what they thought, but to be fair, most wars don’t evaporate when one kid tells you everybody can be friends. For generations, the dragons have been a proven aggressive threat.

The Hairy Hooligans killed dragons. The Hairy Hooligans were very harsh when Hiccup stated that dragons weren’t the enemy. That’s not cool… but in this sort of circumstance, isn’t it easy to see that the people of Berk could see Hiccup as a traitor putting their lives in danger? A society that’s trying to defend themselves from death… is in greater threat because this wild kid is bringing up a wild idea that’ll probably lead to more death.

Is that actually widespread thoughtless bullying?

3. Parenting is HAAARD and the entire plot of HTTYD is a rift between father and son BOTH being imperfect. Stoick said a few harsh and unwarranted things to Hiccup, but in many cases, Stoick was doing his best with what a father should do: calling out his son for bad behavior, and trying to connect in positive ways. Stoick is not a Bad Guy Dad. He and Hiccup have a rift that makes it hard to understand and communicate with one another (but the difficulties go BOTH WAYS).

Stoick does live in a society which values dragon fighting, and Stoick (as a good dragon fighter) values it a lot. Hiccup understands that and knows his father will respect him if he fights dragons. While Stoick would be ecstatic for his son to exceed in the warrior ways, he’s also not a father PUSHING his son to be a fighter. In fact, he protests when Gobber suggests Hiccup goes to training… Stoick doesn’t want his boy hurt. When he fans over Hiccup being chosen to kill the dragon in the ring, it’s because he thinks his son is already a fighter.

We can understand why Stoick makes the choices he did, and even though they’re not 100% perfect, they’re also understandable things that a caring parent does in difficult situations with difficult kids.

4. People change. AND THE PEOPLE OF BERK *DID*.

Hiccup got taunted by Snotlout, Ruffnut, and Tuffnut for being a screw-over. Now they’re his best friends and help him save dragons. Hiccup was dismissed as a nuisance by the tribe when he was a teenager. Now the tribe cheers his name and accepts him, with pride, as their leader. Hiccup was considered a problem because he wanted to befriend dragons. Now the tribe’s ENTIRE CULTURE changed because they realized the boy was right, and the entire tribe has taken on the duty of trying to protect, save, train, and befriend dragons.

You’re right that Hiccup got bullied and hurt by his tribe (I doubt this was his whole life, and I doubt it was the whole tribe, but yes, Hiccup had some bad interactions happen). But that’s not how it ended. The people of Berk profoundly revolutionized their society because they came to respect Hiccup’s ideas. They changed. They don’t bully Hiccup anymore, and the worst they do in THW is dismiss Hiccup’s ideas as youthful, naive, or impractical. That’s not some high level moral offense.

Tumblr is awful about decrying bad actions without understanding that humans constantly grow. What we once were isn’t who we are today and isn’t who we will be tomorrow. People grow, people become better, and life becomes better when a previously bad person learns the error of their ways… repents… and starts doing good.

If we don’t allow humans to change… then we can’t fully endorse moral behavior when it does happen. If we don’t allow humans to change… we’ll be punishing people for who they were rather than who they are. If we don’t allow people to change… we’re the assholes stuck in the past, not them. If we don’t allow humans to change… we lose allies, we lose friends, we lose agents who can make the world a better place. The Hairy Hooligans are agents of good change. As Hiccup says at the end of HTTYD 2, “We are the voice of peace, and bit by bit, we will change this world.”

So I suppose I don’t agree with your initial premise: that the Hairy Hooligans are bullies, horrible humans, tormentors who screw Hiccup over. On the contrary, I feel like the Hairy Hooligans are supporters of Hiccup, the Hiccup Fan Club, the people who believe in him, the people who follow him, the people who will leave their lifelong home and follow him on a quest to save dragons, because these are a people who value him. Are these horrible immoral people who don’t deserve help?

But I think the moral question all boils down to this:

In The Hidden World, Hiccup can either put his friendship with Toothless first, or he can put his leadership of New Berk first.

When Hiccup puts his friendship with Toothless first in THW, it starts by him trying to stay with Toothless. When Hiccup puts dragons first in THW, it starts by him wanting to protect over all dragons in Berk. Hiccup decides to leave Berk and search for the Hidden World because he’s thinking about the dragons. He thinks he’ll be able to live with humans and dragons together at peace, everyone safe, including Toothless. Hiccup isn’t thinking about the rest of his tribe so much as he’s thinking about how he can continue to save dragons and continue his friendship with Toothless.

Of course the solution in THW suggests that what’s best for Toothless is for them to part ways. If Hiccup and Toothless don’t part, the Hairy Hooligans AND the dragons (including Toothless!) stay in greater danger. Hiccup’s selflessness toward Toothless is letting his friend leave his side. It is a choice for Toothless, and ultimately, as THW wants to frame it, the best choice.

But of course, the conflict of THW is that Hiccup thinks that what’s best for the dragons is for everyone to stay together. And in doing so, Hiccup puts the Hairy Hooligans in danger. Because humans and dragons are still together, dangerous people like Grimmel and the warlords will be after them. Even if they defeat Grimmel and the warlords, more people will be antagonistic against them and the dragons. This means that, if Hiccup keeps putting his initial concept of “Toothless first” and “dragons first,” he puts the Hairy Hooligans in DANGER of war.

And this is where the moral choice becomes clear to me.

Putting you and your friend’s HAPPINESS over an entire population’s SAFETY is something I understand the desire of emotionally, but it’s something I can’t ethically condone.

You can either:

Save a city of people from tyranny, war, and possible death (while giving up hanging out with one friend, who’ll live a good life regardless) OR

Give you and your friend happiness, and in the process condemn the stability and safety of hundreds of people - who are the people you’ve officially sworn to protect as their official governing ruler.

One of these choices screws people over, the other doesn’t.

It isn’t a matter of animals over humans, because in one choice, the humans and the animals are both safe, and in the other choice, you get to have fun with one animal while putting everyone in grave danger.

Anyway! You got me pulled down a long response, haha! HTTYD is amazing because of how it gives us beautiful non-human characters like Toothless. I love that, too. Animals are important and beautiful! And so are you and I hope you have an amazing day! Take care!

#THW #The Hidden World #httyd3 #httyd 3 #How to Train Your Dragon 3 #httyd #How to Train Your Dragon #Hiccup #Toothless #Hiccup and Toothless #ask #ask me #awesome anonymous friend #anonymous #analysis #my analysis

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sagaciousfchuzzle · 6 years

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Do ALL of the Space asks!!!!

dOhhh noooooooooo, whoever could this beeeeeeeeeComet- What are you currently frustrated about?

Hahaha oh boy. Mostly how fucking stupid I was not doing internships when I had more of the chance and instead chose to go back home every summer. I really, really appreciated it at the time, but whenever I look for wildlife jobs now I just feel so underqualified and completely unprepared. I was stupid and some friends who will see this will never let me forget it.

Black Hole- What are you most afraid of?

At this moment what I’m most afraid of is not being able to get a job in my field and not being able to make some kind of meaningful contribution to conservation and stuff.

Galaxy- Do you have any nicknames? What are they?

Uhhhhhh, Plum/PlumPlum, Mr. Sneeze, Coah; I think that’s about it?

Star- What song(s) do you feel describes you?

Fffffffuuuuuuuuck, um. Okay so I wasted like 3 hours trying to find good ones so let’s just go with these:

Natalia Lafourcade’s Mi Tierra Veracruzana (specifically this live version)

Nujabes’ Spiritual State.

Wind of Departure/~Setting Off Wind~ from Monster Hunter 4.

Baths’ Yeoman, a wonderfully queer musician.

Pogo’s J’Adore Juin, though it breaks my heart that Pogo is an MRA idiot.

Moon- Are you currently reading any books? If so, what book(s)?

Oh god, sadly not. I still have some Discworld books to read but I don’t want to be done-done with the series as a whole. ;_;

Planets- If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

New Zealand, Japan, South Korea, probably.

Mercury- Describe your aesthetic.

Earth tones, rustic looks, organized messes, wildflowers and pine trees, hearty food and warm blankets on a cold and cozy day.

Venus- What’s your favorite tv show?

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm honestly maybe Parks & Rec? Or Steven Universe.

Earth- If you could be anyone else for a day, who would you want to be?

On one hand I could be Chris Evans for a day but on the other hand I’d also want to be someone STUPIDLY RICH so I could give tons of money to me and my loved ones, and I wouldn’t want to do that to Chris Evans. Probably the latter, just someone super rich whom I don’t care about.

Mars- If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?

Haha um. Maybe my penchant for sweet things. Or, y’know,my metabolism/weight.

Jupiter- If you had to pick one color to use for an entire week, what color would you choose?

This is a joke right? ‘Cause anyone who knows anything about me will know the answer is Green.

Saturn- How far would you go for those you care about?

Very far.

Uranus- What would you say is your greatest achievement?

Fuck me man, I don’t know. I think being considered someone my friends can trust to talk about shit with.

Neptune- Describe yourself in one sentence.

Hi I fiercely believe in there being a right and wrong and tend to not suffer those who choose the latter; that being said, I am a goof who loves puns and even though I can be snarky as hell I secretly prefer it when people are even more snarky back to me and put me in my place, because it’s fun to laugh, even at yourself.

Pluto- If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would you meet?

Terry Pratchett, author of the Discworld series (and many more books besides!).

Constellations- If you could have one talent, what would you want it to be? (can be magical or not)

>Magical or notOh man. Okay so if I want to be broken I’d say absolute control over time, so absolute that even fi I create paradoxes it isn’t an issue. Alternatively, something I’ve always thought would eb cool was to either:Be able to teleport as far as your eye can seeorAny time you’re going down a street or sitting in a place or whatever, and for some vague reason it reminds you of some other place you’ve been to (so you drive past a street called Railroad Avenue, but you know of another Railroad Avenue in another town, or you’re sitting in a park and smells like your grandparents’ backyard), those two places become ‘linked’ and you can freely teleport between the two vaguely similar locations. You can’t like… consciously force the linking though.

Asteroid- When you die, what do you want to be done with your body?

Cremated, spread over some nice wilderness, maybe with a tree.

Aquarius- What’s a topic you enjoy learning about?

B I O L O G Y & E C O L O G Y

Aquila- Do you prefer to read books or watch movies?

I feel like these are apples & oranges? Like books are more of a solitude thing to enjoy by yourself, but movies are great to share with people.

Aries- What is something you enjoy doing?

Telling myself I’m going to get back into drawing, and then not. c:Alternatively, coming up with tabletop rpg plots and never using them.

Auriga- If you had to pick one villain from any media, who would you rather have to face and why?

The Nightmare Knight from Cucumber’s Quest, because spoiler reasons.

Bootes- If you could have any animal, wild or not, fake or not, which would you want?

G R I Z Z L Y B E A R .Or maybe a feathered serpent like Quetzalcoatl.

Cancer- How do you want to be remembered?

Someone who, despite his extraordinarily sharp wit, was kind and cozy.

Canis Major- How many friends do you have?

Lots man.

Capricornus- What’s a song lyric that you relate to?

Honestly I’m having a hard time with this one. I guess from Hey Rosetta! we’ve got two:From their song Kintsukuroi:Oh see inside of me lay the heels of your hands upon me and let your fingers fall bless these broken bonesmake it whole, make it better than it was before make it better than it was before!

and their song Dream:couldn’t we make, couldn’t we make, couldn’t we make itjust like we wanted, just like we need itwhy can’t we, just like a dream?

who says we can’t. who says we can’t, who says we shouldn’twho says we couldn’t, make it just like we love itwhy can’t we, just like a dream?

Cassiopeia- What’s your favorite quote?

I guess, “The blood of the covenant of friendship is thicker than the water shared by the womb” ‘cause that’s the first one that came to mind.

Cygnus- If you could go back to any time period for a couple days, when/where would you want to go?

I think to November a couple years back, or to some time last winter. There’s some stuff I could at least try to fix.

Gemini- Do you have any siblings? How many?

Just one older brother.

Leo- If you could change the way any movie was made, which movie would you change?

Honestly probably Kubo & the Two Strings because it had so much potential but the second half of the film seems so…………………. so boring compared to what they could have done with it.

Libra- If you could talk to your past self, what would you tell yourself?

Bitch stay in Alaska and do an internship.

Lyra- Would you rather be feared or loved?

Feared by strangers, loved by friends & family.

Orion- What’s your favorite type of weather?

Brightly sunny with some scattered clouds, but none-the-less it’s cold & crisp. Or it’s night time with moderate rain and wet streets.

Pegasus- What’s your favorite music genre?

Fuck man there can’t be just one. Jazz, Classical, pseudo….electronic-ish stuff???, soundtracks, etc.

Perseus- What’s your favorite movie genre?

Action/Adventure or Comedy.

Pisces- Describe someone you love without saying their name.

She’s Saint Francis incarnate, and not just for the animals. Even when people hurt her she will always take the higher path, and I know she has a better moral compass than I do. She’s wise and snarky and loves working the earth with her own hands (Hint: it’s an aunt of mine).

Sagittarius- What do you do when you don’t feel well? What do you eat/drink?

If you’re talking about a cold or something what I tend to do is fill a kettle to the brim and heat up a ton of water, then basically chug tea all day. Specifically chamomile or maybe a lemon tea, but both with some honey. That tends to help me recuperate faster.

Scorpius- If you had to pick someone to betray you, who would you pick?

Probs my friend Owen, ‘cause he’d be the easiest to ignore. 😂

Taurus- What makes you feel comfortable?

Eating food with friends, telling stories and jokes, good music on drives long & short, telling truths and sharing feelings, going to sleep exhausted because I actually did stuff during the day.

Ursa Major- If you had to pick any job to have, what job would you want?

Savior of all Ursus-kind. Or like raising abandoned bear cubs which would be super sad but also super heartwarming.

Virgo- What do you value the most- artistic ability/creativity, musical ability, athletic ability, intellect, or work ethic?

I think I respect work ethic the most - you may not be the most capable, but you’re being honest & earnest, and like a teacher of mine said in the past, “Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.”

Neutron- Are you more of a leader or a follower?

Honestly I’m happy to be a follower unless there’s no leader or the leader is incompetent.

Supernova- How do you feel about yourself?

Kind of unhappy, for the reasons mentioned in Comet. Kind of annoyed at how it feels like I’m procrastinating on starting my own life, whether that’s intentional or not.

Supergiant- What’s something you like about yourself?

People have told me they feel comfortable talking to me about issues and stuff and I really, really like that I can be that kind of person for my friends.

Red Giant- Would you get into a debate/argument with someone if you heard them saying something you disagree with or know to be wrong, or would you stay silent?

It depends. If they’re just talking with their own group and I’m not going to be stuck near them for hours, then I can just put headphones in, but if they’re making someone uncomfortable or something, I’d step in. I’d also step in if it was an honest mistake.

Red Dwarf- What’s your favorite smell? What smell makes you feel most comfortable?

Pine trees I think. I loooooooooooooooove the smell of pine.

Protostar- Give a random fact about yourself.

I finally beat Dragon’s Dogma the other day and I was scared I was going to be disappointed because I already kind of knew about the existential take it…. takes, but it was a blast and wonderful and amazing and I think everyone who likes rpg’s should play this game and Grigori is a huge…. sweetheart, of sorts.

#ask prompt #Anonymous #admiration-determination

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cajunroe · 6 years

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Answer all the space asks!

hahahah, nonny. thank you!

Comet- What are you currently frustrated about?hahaha, well my i’m having a crisis because i’m in over my head in my grad classes and it’s only the first week and now i’m completely second guessing my entire program bc i feel like i’m out of my depth entirely and if i switched my program to the english program i would at least know more and be able to actually feel comfortable in learning and not spending 6 extra hours on a 300 word assignment to make sure it’s somewhat okayBlack Hole- What are you most afraid of?failure…you can see why the above is a natural disaster waiting to hitGalaxy- Do you have any nicknames? What are they?i call myself a dumbass bitch literally every day of my life; one of my nephews calls me tati Star- What song(s) do you feel describes you?ohh, sleeping sickness by city & colour (nearly anything by city&colour really) habits by findlar, hmm….right now…somebody kill me from the wedding singerMoon- Are you currently reading any books? If so, what book(s)?aside from textbooks…i’m reading lost gods by bromPlanets- If you could go anywhere, where would you go?denver to see my best friend bc i need her hugs rnMercury- Describe your aesthetic.absolute disaster inside, absolute disaster outside.Venus- What’s your favorite tv show?ugh, too many. i list what i’ve rewatched the most: supernatural, the golden girls, the following, justified, band of brothers, the pacific, generation kill, longmire, psych, monk, the punisher, a lot of othersEarth- If you could be anyone else for a day, who would you want to be?joff bozos so i could literally give all his money to meMars- If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?my ability to make decisions because i can’t decide one thing. i’m a mess yoJupiter- If you had to pick one color to use for an entire week, what color would you choose?blackSaturn- How far would you go for those you care about?tbh much farther than they would ever go for meUranus- What would you say is your greatest achievement?still being aliveNeptune- Describe yourself in one sentence.simultaneously the best and worst person depending on when you meet herPluto- If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would you meet?my soulmateConstellations- If you could have one talent, what would you want it to be? (can be magical or not)teleportation…or if everyone is getting powers, then the ability to absorb powers alla sylar styleAsteroid- When you die, what do you want to be done with your body?cremation??? like idrc imma be dead and gone broAquarius- What’s a topic you enjoy learning about?history, english, digital media, film, languages, linguisticsAquila- Do you prefer to read books or watch movies?both at the same timeAries- What is something you enjoy doing?sleeping Auriga- If you had to pick one villain from any media, who would you rather have to face and why?loki bc i’d distract and befriend he’s fancy boy ass with good wineBootes- If you could have any animal, wild or not, fake or not, which would you want?direwolf - fluffy and deadlyCancer- How do you want to be remembered?i don’tCanis Major- How many friends do you have?people that i truly call a friend: 5 or 6Capricornus- What’s a song lyric that you relate to?“and i’m afraid, to sleep because of what haunts me. such as, living with the uncertainty that’ll never find the words to say which would completely explain, just how i’m breaking down”Cassiopeia- What’s your favorite quote?every word out of my dumbass mouth is goddamn gold so jot that downCygnus- If you could go back to any time period for a couple days, when/where would you want to go?any time i was with my best friend that passedGemini- Do you have any siblings? How many?three. two sisters and one brother.Leo- If you could change the way any movie was made, which movie would you change?the l*st j*diLibra- If you could talk to your past self, what would you tell yourself?life will always be hard, more than you could ever imagine, but there are small moment where you’ll feel pure joy and happiness that will make it all bearable.Lyra- Would you rather be feared or loved?“i want people to be afraid of how much they love me” -me -michael scottOrion- What’s your favorite type of weather?fall. i want it to be cold enough for layers but not too cold that i can’t spend hours and hours outside. there’s enough sunshine to show the leaves changing color but not too much to rid of the brisk air.Pegasus- What’s your favorite music genre?indie, lo-fi/bedroom pop, alternative, etc. Perseus- What’s your favorite movie genre?drama, action, romance, comedy - in that orderPisces- Describe someone you love without saying their name.the most supportive, compatible, and understanding person i know. able to call me out when i’m being the worst version of myself and appreciate me when i’m at my best. knows my traumas and secrets and desire and still loves me. my chosen sister. my other half. my best friend. Sagittarius- What do you do when you don’t feel well? What do you eat/drink?ginger ale, saltines, apple juice, and chicken noodle soup. my go-to sick watches are the twilight zone, gentlemen prefer blondes, anything vincent price, and all-time favorite: who framed roger rabbitScorpius- If you had to pick someone to betray you, who would you pick?myself or my sister, i’m used to bothTaurus- What makes you feel comfortable?cold room, warm bed. coffee. cake and pastries. the feeling after putting on fresh clothes after swimming or playing in the snow. homecooked meals. the smell of cinnamon and pumpkin.Ursa Major- If you had to pick any job to have, what job would you want?sad it before, say it again, maxixmum pay for minimal effortVirgo- What do you value the most- artistic ability/creativity, musical ability, athletic ability, intellect, or work ethic?none. ability to be kind, humble, and compassionate.Neutron- Are you more of a leader or a follower?leader when i need be. follower when i don’t want to lead.Supernova- How do you feel about yourself?the greatest love/hate relationship in the history of the world.Supergiant- What’s something you like about yourself?my sense of humor. my ability to love beyond my means. i love my own company.Red Giant- Would you get into a debate/argument with someone if you heard them saying something you disagree with or know to be wrong, or would you stay silent?GET INTO ARGUMENT. i have no restraint and i’m not going stand by and watch someone make a fool of themselves.Red Dwarf- What’s your favorite smell? What smell makes you feel most comfortable?my candles. my skin fresh out of the shower. the smell of home cooking. cinnamon and pumpkin. ((gasoline)) juniper, jasmine, honeysuckle, white wine, spices, i could go on foreverProtostar- Give a random fact about yourself.i am more stressed about my life choices now than when i started this.

#faye speaks #honestly this is very honest #but also y'all probably want to skip me #whining about myself #Anonymous #dear babe letters #answered

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cravingwitandwisdom · 6 years

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All of the space asks, my dear 😄

Damn okay, here we go.. ♡ Comet - what are you currently frustrated about? Capitalism Back hole - what are you most afraid of? That one day, when I'm old and burned out I'll ask myself the question "was it really worth it - this life, this mess" and I'll know it wasn't. Galaxy - do you have nicknames. What are they? Daniel always calls me Mary Poppin or just Mary. Here I'm known as Grace and irl some folks call me that too but my name is actually Grachella. It's hard to pronounce so most of the time people make their own version l and that's okay, too. People at my voulenteering work sometimes call me Frochella because we all give each other nicknames and I kinda love that. Star - what songs do you feel describe you? Drops of Jupiter by Train, Bored by Billie Eilish, idontwannebeyouanymore by Billie Eilish, Dust by Frank Ocean and many many more I can't think of right now.Moon - are you currently reading any books? I'm currently reading (finally reading!) Lotr. I own the books forever and it was time for an adventure. I just started reading Today I am Alice yesterday. It's a biography about Alice who has multiple personalities. It reminds me of a girl i know, the story. Its not a pretty one. Planets - if you could go anywhere, where would you go? Right now I'd go to Mexico. Daniel is there for two months now and I feel like I miss a part of myself.Mercury - describe your aesthetic. Sometimes I live in the 90s and I'm turning up 2pac. Fila's on my feet and a Casio watch on my wrist. I let strands of hair fall down the front of my face while the top is tied in a quirky little ponytail and the back hangs loose, barely reaching my shoulders. Sometimes I live in the 60s. I wear long skirts and tie bows in my hair. I listen to The Civil Wars and feel infinitely soft. The pain and the sorrow, the loss - there's purpose in the ugly parts of life. Sometimes I'm an African queen. I tie my hair in a turban and wear the colours of nature. I radiate elegance. I feel deeply connected to my roots and dance to Gyptian or Jah Cure. I talk in my mother's tongue. Sometimes I am an Victorian witch. I wear a long black dress, the crocheted choker i wear is elegance itself. I cover my body with crystals as I chant a spell or pray to Gaia. See.. I don't think I have one aesthetic because I don't think I'm just one person. Venus - whats your favourite tv show? Shameless, Rick & Morty, Westworld, The Tudors, GoT, Gossip Girl, The Handmaids Tale, Vampire diaries and The Originals. Earth - if you could be anyone else for a day, who would you be? Oh I don't know. Mars - if you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change? The numbers on my bank account. Or maybe that I'd be a minimalist.. one or the other hahaha Jupiter - if you had to pick one colour to use for an entire week, what colour would yoi choose? Black for everything. Saturn - how far would you go for those you care about? 9.229 km or 5734.635 miles Uranus - what would you say is your greatest achievement? Climbing a mountain and then sleeping on the mountain in a hammock, in the middle of the Amazon. The mountain wasn't very high but I never did anything like that before. Neptune - describe yourself in one sentence. Did you not just read i cant even describe my aesthetic in a simple way. How do you expect me to describe myself in one sentence? I am so much more than one sentence. Pluto - if you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would you meet? J.D. Salinger. Constellations - if you could have one talent, what would it be? The ability to take care of plants.. all my plants always die :/Asteroid - when you die, what do you want te be done with your body? I always wanted to give my body to science but since thats not so easy anymore i decided i want to be cremated. Or if its possible by the time i die, I'd like to be buried in a biodegradable burial pod that turns my body into a tree. Aquarius - whats a topic you enjoy learning about? Languages, science, mythology, philosophy, spirituality, witchcraft and culture are a few things popping into my mind right now. Aquila - do you prefer to read books or watch movies? I read more than i watch movies but i do enjoy a good film every once in a while. Aries - what is something you enjoy doing? Sleeping. Auriga - if you had to pick one villain from any media, who would you rather have to face and why? Delores Umbridge is a foul despicable toad-like villain i have great abhorrence for. Bootes - if you could have any animal, wild or not, fake or not, which would you want? A thestral or rather a herd. Cancer - how do you want tp be remembered? Often the wise are remembered by their tortured minds. But I'd like to be remembered as wise and free. I want people to reminisce me and think "she lived fully and without remorse, she lived the way she wanted and there wasnt any onther way for her to live" Canis Major - How many friends do you have? I find it difficult to distinct friends or friendship. On Tumblr i talk to some people, people i have been talking to for years. I have some colleagues i hang out with after work hours. Are they my friends? I hang out with friends of friends. Are they my friends, too? I cant answer this question. I dont know how many people consider me a friend. And i, myself, have a hard time figuring out what friendship exactly is. Can anyone teach me the rules? Capricornus - whats a song lyric that you can relate to? "Can you see that im getting bored, giving you every piece of me?" - by Billie Eilish Cassiopeia - whats your favourite quote? 1. "Forget what they told you about bodies and temples. Mine was all roadside attraction, tourist destination. A place mediocre men go to remember how to be good again" - by Ashe Vernon 2. "Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn" - by Sylvia Plath 3. "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" - by Maya AngelouCyngus - if you could go back to any time perion for a couple of days, when/ where would you want to go? The beginning of everything. Gemini - do you have any siblings? How many? 2 half sisters, 3 half brothers, 1 sister and 2 steph sisters. Leo - if you could change the way any movie was made, which movie would you change? Avatar and Death note. Libra - if you could talk to your past self, what would you tell yourself? Stop smoking weed and go do something useful with your life. Lyra - would you rather be feared or loved? I find it hard to receive love but i choose it anyway. Orion - whats your favourite type of weather? The breaking if dawn on an autumn day when the air is gloomy and the meadow misty. When the world is peaceful and leaves are covered with hoarfrost. Pegasus - whats your favourite music genre? I dont think i can pick, i really cant. Perseus - whats your favourite movie genre? Drama and fantasy. Pisces - Describe someone you love without their name. Tall, dark and handsome. Self-righteous. Beautiful brown eyes. Lazy and sluggish. But such a pumpkin. Amazing smile. Incredible kisser. A cute smoll spot on their nose. Game addiction. Cant talk about feelings. Doesn't know how to apologize. Humble and soft. Sagittarius - what do you do when you don't feel well? What do you eat? I sleep alot and i barely eat or i munch on potato chips. Scorpius - if you had to pick someone to betray you, who would you pick? This woman i work with.. she's been getting on my nerves playing the victim all the time. I'd love to have a reason to go off on her. That sounds bad huh? Taurus - What makes you feel comfortable? Hoodies. Ursa Major - if you had to pick any job to have, what job would you want? Physicists or writer. Virgo - what do you value the most- artistic / creativity, musical ability, athletic ability, intellect or work ethic? 1. Artistic ability/ creativity 2. Intellect 3. Musical ability 4. Athletic ability 5. Work ethic Neutron - are you more a leader or a follower? Leader. Supernova - how do you feel about yourself? I try to love myself but its work. Supergiant - whats something you like about yourself? I love learning, knowledge. Im open to anything and I'm curious by nature. Red Giant - would you get into a debate/ argument with someone if you heard them saying something you disagree with or know to be wrong, or would yoi stay silent? I dont shy away from arguments, especially if i know im right. I can get very passionate. What is your favourite smell? What smell makes you feel most comfortable? Lavender, wood smoke, pine and sandalwood. Protostar - give a random fact about yourself. I got a new tattoo just yesterday. A picture will be up soon. Sorry, in took me a while. I dont have a computer rn so i had to do this on mobile. Thank you so much for asking me.

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coco-gains-blog · 6 years

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Essay 3: The Other Defined as Human, Through Alien Form

Throughout this class we have looked at the other, and what that means to us as individuals, but more so as a collective. The form of the other is based off of cultural, and societal fears, and concerns. The other takes many forms, and is always evolving. We have created more and more things to be frightened of, and to explore. We started with the dark and went to the light, and are now circling back to the dark… of space! Humans have explored and documented and found out so much about our own planet that it is hard to find the other, and to exploit that fear. So we have moved forward to space.

Outer space, what Americans like to call the final frontier. This is a section of the known universe that we do not know. Because of its size, we have only been able to go so far with our limitations of you know, needing to breath and eat and stuff! But, we can speculate about what it is that we don’t know out there. This comes in the form of space exploration, alien encounters; attacks/ visits. But what these interactions all have in common is humanity.

We give interactions a character. Interactions between humans, humans and animals, spirits, rocks, trees, every encounter we have is characterized by some human trait. For example, you meet another person and they are quite rude and unpleasant, this interaction is characterized by the word rude. This is a human behavior, and perception of behavior. For another example a person my come in counter with a tree during the winter that shields them from the snow. This is good and friendly. Trees by nature are not friendly or unfriendly, but when we perceive that the tree has helped us (on its own will), we see this as a friendly or kind act. We use this same thought process when identifying what an interaction with the other is, we find the human in it. If there is an attack, the adjective of the interaction is mean, bad, hurtful, or some other human trait or feeling.

“Indeed, the relationship between figure and ground upon which perception is based abrogates the possibility of absolute otherness; one needs a background to distinguish the salient features of the foreground. Built into the concept of otherness is the idea of relationship, the question other than what? In terms of the alien encounter that what is necessarily defined in human terms” (Malmgren 4)

In Self and Other in SF: Alien Encounters by Carl D. Malmgren, we are told that humans cannot imagine the other because then it would not be unknown. Everything that man thinks of becomes known, and with this concept we cannot prepare our self’s for what is to come. Alien encounter movies really started to become popular in the 50’s due to the space race. This opened Earths doors to intergalactic space travelers. This could be aliens in need of help, such as E.T., or those who came to destroy, like in The Day the Earth Stood Still. One film that does a great job of explaining this in part at least, is The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. This film was a book first, but was turned into a movie and does a good job of explaining how even though the human mind has many encounters every day, it characterizes them all in terms of humanity.

But in more recent times, alien encounter films have been more about the cultural worry of the survival of the human race, and the planet. We have seen many movies like Sunshine, and Interstellar come out that show our world dyeing, and the human race must find a way to safe either the planet, the species, or both. Global climate change has really started to show what it will do to the world. These things are escalated in films, by the use of future projections, and exaggerated carbon outputs. But these films, like all other horror/ thriller films give humans a safe space to explore their fears, and the possibilities of the future. That is one thing that extraterrestrial films provide that many other horror films do not, a look in to the future. SiFi (science fiction) lets human brains explore the possibilities of the future, what technology awaits, what advances, new planets, foods, sights, anything. Sifi gives their audience a way to explore the new – or imagined new, in a safe place, while also critiquing current society, and cultural fears.

With contemporary culture fearing planet death, and longevity of the species, it is only natural that we seek out thrills like alien encounters, with these encounters also lies the hope for new and different technology that could help safe our way of life. One of the most recent extraterrestrial films that has been released, Annihilation, is almost about the opposite of that. (Spoiler alert if you have not seen the film I am about to tell a lot of it!) In this film, a bubble of sorts has cast its self over a large portion of land, and has started to change everything within its radius. As you watch the film, you see many signs of new life, and old live combining. At first you see the bubble as perhaps a terra forming tool. It is changing the planet, and its inhabitants to look more like its self. Bu then the characters of the story find out that it is reflecting its self (an alien life form) as what is on the planet already, and changing its self, but in doing so also changing the current residents. The further and further the characters go into the bubble, the more changes we see. But at the center is a light house. In my opinion this light house stands for self, and true values. It is at the center of all the chaos and in it we find this other being that reflects human form, because that it what it has seen.

This is a huge critique of how humans act in the ways we see. Nature vs nurture has been a huge debate for centuries, but in recent years we have really started to see it’s that behavior is all about what is nurtured. We do as our guardians show us, and we pick up little attitudes, and ways of being from all we encounter. This has been a huge problem in wars, religious believes, and many issues in the U.S. recently. With all the hate crimes happening in recent years we really need to look at who we are reflecting, and in what ways that is changing us, and how we are changing our surroundings due to that.

As the film is coming to a close, we discover all the other form of life has done is mirror human nature, and try to be the same, this creates miscommunication (the down fall of all), and fear. When humans are in a state of fear we generate 1 of 2 responses, fight or flight. These responses are quick and will turn a situation completely the wrong way if the response is not appropriate. In this film neither of these responses was correct. The main character should have slowed down and assessed the situation to find out what was actually happening.

“An obvious way to suggest a "real" alien-encounter is by indirection, focusing not on the alien itself but on the human response to the alien. An author can, for example, render the human response in terms that draw on the reader's "sense of wonder," that "indefinable rush when beholding something odd and new and perhaps awesome” (Malmgren 26-27)

Currently the collective fear of irreversible environmental damage is heightened, and is taking over many film genres. We see it most heavily in alien SiFi because we want to fix it. SiFi gives that hope for advanced technology that will fall in our laps and save our planet. So much current tech has come from tv and movies, that we have come to expect to see the new and amazing from films.

This version of exploration of the other is becoming more and more popular. It really targets what we are currently frightened of and explores the possibilities and dangers of space exploration and alien encounters. Fear drives our thirst for knowledge. To find the new we must explore the unknown, for us this is scary and we need to speculate on the, what if’s, that often come to mind. When we find this place to explore our fears, we find a way to comfort our self’s. We find the answers we need for us to in good will say, it is okay to push onward and find out what is out there, because whatever it is, can’t be anywhere near the horrors we have thought up. This exploration of the unknown also lets us dig deeper into our self’s as humans and assign those human qualities and traits to the other or to a situation, and make it human. When we make this space encounters human, we turn the spyglass towards our self’s and critique what we are doing as humans, and how we can change it.

Malmgren, C. D. (n.d.). Human Skins, Alien Masks. Science Fiction, Alien Encounters, and the Ethics of Posthumanism, 15-33. doi:10.1057/9781137367631.0010

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bkwrm523 · 7 years

Text

Enhanced Training

Title: Enhanced Training Rating: Explicit Fandom: Red vs Blue Pairing: Agent Washington/reader Word Count: 3536 Warnings: smut? Tags: @mysupernaturalfics @vintagevalentinexx @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @cookingglitterfairy @kittenofdoomage @catsoftheapocalypse @medicatemedrmccoy @goodnightwife @star-trekkin-across-theuniverse Summary: The reader helps Wash with his anger issues. Author’s Note: Let’s just say soundproof walls are cheap and plentiful in the future, okay? Prompts: "hey, you're not alone." & "Take it out on me." Beta’d by @yourtropegirl and @outside-the-government . And @joanne-egberp deserves credit for poking me into doing this.

You’d heard Agent Washington’s yells of frustration from the training room earlier that day. Apparently, training wasn’t going well. You had decidedly mixed feelings about not being in the training room that day. On the one hand, angry Wash wasn’t good news. On the other hand, angry Wash was incredibly hot. At least you hadn’t managed to embarrass yourself that day.

The planet was Chorus, and you were in the Federal Army of Chorus. Wash, Sarge, Doughnut, and a robot named Lopez were guests of the Federal Army; even on this backwater planet, you’d heard of the heroes who’d taken down Project Freelancer. General Doyle had promised to help them get their friends back, but that would take time. Washington had apparently decided to pass the time by helping with training.

It wasn’t going well.

You were busy fixing the vehicles from the motor pool (you couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn, and thus were almost permanently stuck as a mechanic, which was fine with you), and thus saw Wash storm out of the training room, and head straight for the sleeping quarters. You slept in the common room with most of the other privates, but Wash was one of those that rated his own room. And the mess was in the opposite direction.

You checked the clock, and realized that your own shift had ended half an hour ago. A fact you totally hadn’t missed because you’d been transfixed by the sound of your crush’s voice from the next room and lost track of time. Nah, blame it on a strong work ethic.

You quickly packed your tools, and finished clearing your area, before heading out. You stopped by the mess hall, grabbing a pair of bananas and headedfor the sleeping quarters.

You ate one banana on the way, hardly noticing your surroundings as you engaged in a fierce internal debate. You kept arguing with yourself the whole way there, still trying to decide if you had the courage to do this.

Before long, you found yourself in front of Wash’s door. You took a deep breath, and knocked. Too late to back out now.

The door whooshed open; Wash’s back was to you. “What is it?” Wash asked, sounding tired.

“Umm,” you started. Great. Wonderful first impression. “I’m sorry to intrude, sir.”

“It’s not a problem.” Wash replied, still sounding tired. “What do you need?”

“Nothing, sir. Sorry, I- I just couldn’t help but notice you didn’t eat. My workstation is right by the training room. I, uh, I brought you this.” You held out the banana like a peace offering, stuttering through your words. Hopefully he’d chalk it down to hero worship, like the rest of the Federal Army.

Wash turned to face you. He was still in his armor, as were you, so neither of you could read each other’s expressions. He hesitated a moment, before taking the banana from you.

“Thanks.” He said, and you swore you could hear a small smile in his voice.

You had a pretty good idea how he felt; there wasn’t a person on Chorus, on either side, that hadn’t been worried sick about the fate of a friend or relative by now. It always ended badly. But-

“I’m sure we’ll find your friends, sir.” You tried to reassure him. “They’re like, heroes. There’s no way the rebels would dare to kill them. Besides, you’re the guys that killed the Meta. I’m sure they’ll find a way to survive. Maybe even escape on their own.”

“You clearly haven’t met them.” Wash chuckled. “But… thanks.”

“We’ve all been there.” You told him. “This war’s been going on for a long time.” Your words sounded lame even to you. What did that even mean? “Just… try to take care of yourself, okay? Your friends wouldn’t want you to starve yourself, or work yourself into the ground.

Wash chuckled again, and looked down at the banana in his hand. “Yeah… you’re probably right there. I’ll eat it, I promise.” You gave an awkward little nod, and started to shuffle back towards the door. The last thing you wanted was to make this weird. No need to outstay your welcome.

“I just,” Wash started, as your back was turned. You looked back at him. “I hate just sitting here. I should be doing something!” He was half turned away from you, and even with the armor on you could see he was tense. He glanced down at his hands then, noticing the crushed banana in one fist. “Great. I break everything I touch.”

“That’s not true.” You argued, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Just look at the training room! I know you feel like you’re not getting anywhere, but we’ve never done so well! I mean, our guys are doing a lot better in the field! You’re good at this and it’s showing! You’re saving their lives!”

“How do you know so much about the training room?” Wash asked, amused and suspicious. “I don’t remember you being there.”

“Uhm…” you let go of his shoulder and gave a nervous laugh. “I, uh, well, you, uh, you see so many people in there, um… you couldn’t possibly remember them all. Right?”

“I would’ve remembered you. What’s your name?”

“Y/n. I’m just a mechanic.” You told him. “My usual post is right outside the training room, I hear you yell a lot.”

“That still doesn’t explain why I haven’t seen you in the training room.”

Shit. This was starting to backfire on you.

“I can’t aim.” You finally admitted, a little ashamed. “Can’t hit a building. So, I’m kept on mechanic duties. I’m actually good at that.”

“I’m sure I could fix that. You probably just haven’t had time to receive proper training yet. Tell your C.O. to talk to me tomorrow; we’ll fit in some time to practice. I’ll have you sniping in no time.”

Much to your horror, you blushed. Thank goodness for the helmets; he couldn’t see you. You mumbled a thank you and glanced away. You turned and started to leave, still not wanting to get creepy. You hesitated a half a step away from the door, a question weighing on your mind. Should you bother? Before you could stop yourself, you turned and blurted it out.

“Take it out on me. Your frustration, and everything.”

There was a long moment after you blurted out your offer, and you were grateful for your helmet to hide your burning cheeks. You internally braced yourself, waiting for the inevitable rejection. The most you could hope for was him letting you down gently.

"All right. Take your armor off." Wash replied.

"Wait, what?" You blurted again. Wash turned and stalked towards you, looming over you and making you wet.

"Something wrong with your hearing?" He asked, his voice going into a deeper register.

“Uhm.” You couldn’t quite manage words, backing into the wall and looking at him with wide eyes.

“You have two choices.” Wash began, standing inches from you. “You can leave now, and we’ll both pretend this never happened. There won’t be any punishment or judging. I’ll just train you tomorrow and it’ll be like you never suggested anything else. Or, you can stay, and help me work out those frustrations. Starting with you taking your armor off.”

“Yes, sir.” You swallowed, still not quite believing that this was all real. You pushed off from the wall, and pulled your helmet off with trembling hands. Wash never moved, just watching everything from behind his helmet impassively. Eventually, your armor littered his floor, and you were just in your underarmor jumpsuit. You glanced up at Wash’s impassive helmet, anxious for approval. For a long second, all he did was look you up and down. Then, he lifted his hands, and slowly removed his helmet.

Comically, time seemed to slow. You’d asked around; no one had seen him outside his helmet before, and you were excited to finally see what he looked like.

The helmet was removed, and tossed carefully aside. You didn’t notice where. He had short blond hair, and piercing blue eyes. His eyes were dilated, and you saw hunger in them that soothed your nerves and excited you. He lifted his hands to frame your face, hesitating only a moment before he leaned in to kiss you.

He was… surprisingly gentle. Hesitant. You had a fraction of a second to wonder if it had been awhile since he’d done this. You leaned into him, grasping blindly at his armor and kissing back with all your limited experience.

Wash’s armored body pushed you back into the wall, growling a little as the kiss grew more aggressive. The breath left your body in a soft moan as he kissed you forcefully.

You gasped for air when his lips finally left yours, nuzzling down your jawline to attack your neck. Your arms made their way around his shoulders, clenching tightly on his armor. He attacked your sensitive skin with lips and teeth, sucking and biting so much that you were sure you’d be littered with marks tomorrow. One of your hands drifted up to bury in his hair, and the other tightened on his armor until your fingers hurt. You hardly noticed. Wash moved below the spot behind your ear, biting your neck harshly before soothing the spot with his tongue. His mouth latched on, sucking hard until you saw stars. You writhed, pressed between him and the wall, your hips desperate to find friction. Wash stuck a thigh between your legs, pushing them further apart. You ground down against his thigh with a grateful moan. Your hand tightened in his hair, pulling a little on the short locks as his teeth bit into your neck.

An eternity later, Wash pulled away from your neck and stepped back. You sagged against the wall, the room spinning a little as you tried to adjust. When you did, you saw that Wash was already out of most of his armor, quickly stripping it off a piece at a time and setting it on his armor stand. You gaped for a moment, before you began struggling out of your underarmor. Your hands shook as you worked, and it took you twice as long as normal to get the thing off.

By the time you stripped it off, Wash was laying on the narrow cot, his erect cock sticking up. His cock was… well, big enough to make you wonder what they’d fed the agents over at project freelancer. It was proudly erect and weeping, making you lick your lips unconsciously.

“Get over here,” Wash ordered you. He beckoned with a hand, smirking a little at your obvious response to his naked body. You crossed the room to him before you realized what was going on. He lazily stroked his cock as you walked over to him; when you reached him, he glanced down at his cock, and then at you, a command in his eyes. You bit your lip, and scurried onto the bed. You knelt over his legs, and planted your hands on either side of his hips, supporting your weight as you leaned down to deliver kitten licks onto his cock. His hand fell away, dropping to tangle in the blankets as you tentatively attacked the head of his cock. You moved one hand to circle the base, holding it steady as you pulled the head into your mouth and sucked on it hard. You glanced up, hearing a strangled moan above you. You couldn’t quite suppress a smirk around your mouthful, flushing a little with pride.

You took him deeper in your mouth then, pulling out everything you could remember, albeit distantly, about about sucking a man off.

You stroked his base with one hand as you bobbed on his cock, getting wetter as he moaned and thrashed below you. His hands fisted tightly in the blankets of the cot, and his back arched. His cock surged in your mouth, and you knew he was close. You tried to suck harder, running your tongue along the underside of his cock and moaning. He came then, crying wordlessly as you tasted his cum. He came hard, spilling so much you almost worried, before he collapsed back down to the bed. You let his cock fall out of your mouth then, gazing up at him with curious concern.

He was panting hard, staring at the ceiling for a long moment. You fidgeted, wondering whether you should get up and leave. Then you felt his eyes on you.

“Get up here.” He commanded, still breathless. You almost let out a ‘meep’, your eyes flicking back up at him. You quickly obeyed, crawling up his body. His trembling arms pulled you up his body once you were within reach. He held you to him and kissed slowly you with all of the passion that he did before. His hands were on your back, holding you on top of him.

“Thank you for that.” Wash said when he finally broke from your lips to let you gasp for air. “It’s been a long time.”

“My pleasure,” you replied. And it certainly had been. The sight of him moaning and thrashing below you would fuel your dreams for quite some time.

“Not yet.” Wash replied cryptically. “But I’d love to return the favor.”

He swallowed your protests with another quick kiss, carefully turning you both on the narrow bed until he had you under him. He nipped his way down your jaw, nuzzled gently at your pulse point before he sucked on it until your eyes rolled back in your head. He chuckled into your skin at the groan that erupted from you. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, burying a hand in his hair as his mouth on your neck made you lose track of time.

He paused all too soon, resting against you for a moment. Before you could protest, you felt fingers at your entrance. You gasped, jolting in his arms as he tentatively stroked your outer lips. His thumb moved between your folds, circling your clit gently as a finger moved inside you.

He grew in confidence the more you moaned, watching your face studiously and his fingers curled and searched inside you. His thumb carefully caressed your clit, making you thrash in his arms. You scratched at his shoulders, and locked your legs around his hips.

“You're so wet for me,” Wash murmured. “You really liked sucking my cock?” His fingers found your g-spot then, and you cried his name.

“Answer me, sweetheart.” Wash ordered you. “Tell me, or I won't let you come.” His fingers slowed then, and you whined in protest.

“Y-yessir.” You managed to stammer out finally.

“Yes, what?”

Motherfucker. You groaned; trying to remember how to speak wasn't easy with what his fingers were doing to you.

“Y-yes, I loved sucking your-aah!” You managed to blurt the words out, and his fingers attacked your g-spot before you could finish speaking. Your muscles clenched hard around his fingers, and your pussy spasmed and came. Your back arched, and you cried his name. Your eyes leaked tears, pleasure overwhelming your senses. Wave after wave of pleasure assaulted your brain, until your brain shut down.

You finally collapsed back down on the bed, panting hard. Wash’s arms were around you, stroking your messy hair gently.

“You all right?” Wash asked, his voice soft and gentle now.

“Fuck, yeah.” You panted.

“Ready for another round?” Wash replied with a dark chuckle.

“Oh, god.” You groaned.

“If you want me to stop, say ‘red.’” Wash told you, vanishing beneath the blankets.

You felt his hands on your breasts, tweaking your nipples as he nipped and kissed his way down your ticklish belly. He spent what felt like minutes making you squirm, slowly moving down between your legs.

A sharp nip on your hip bones, then nothing but his body sliding down yours, moving between your legs. You felt his breath on your bare, wet pussy and shivered.

You were tense, waiting for the first touch from him. When it finally came, you felt his tongue swipe across your folds. You jumped despite yourself, startled at the sudden contact. He hummed wordlessly, sounding pleased. He nuzzled your clit gently, licking it and teasingly, until you were squirming.

“Wash!” You protested. “Will you ju- mmmf!!” He chose that moment to suck your clit into his mouth. You felt his fingers in you again, going right for your g-spot. You were still oversensitive from the last orgasm, and you found yourself nearing the edge alarmingly fast. You clenched the blanket in tight fists, and tried to warn him. But you couldn’t manage intelligible speech with his fingers inside you. Your eyes rolled back in your head and you started panting. You wondered, for about a second, how thin the walls were, and if everyone could hear what he was doing to you. A moment later, you spasmed and came, screaming his name to the uncaring walls. It felt like every muscle in your body tensed, as your pussy clenched around his fingers and tongue.

It felt like an hour later that he emerged from the blankets, stroking your hair out of your face and holding you while you tried to catch your breath. You felt his cock, enormous and erect, pressed against your thigh and groaned.

“How are you ready?” You snapped at him breathlessly. Wash chuckled a little.

“Only the best for Project Freelancer,” Wash explained. He shifted, rubbing the head of his cock against your wet, exhausted pussy and groaned. “Fuck, you’re so wet down there, sweetheart.”

You whined a little, lifting a leg to wrap around his hips in a silent invitation. Wash nipped at your lips, before dropping his head and began thrusting slowly into you.

He was very slow, careful, and gentle. Your body struggled to adjust to him, perfectly walking the line between pleasure and pain. You tossed your head against the bed, panting hard. He finally bottomed out in you, and rested his forehead against your shoulder. You could feel him panting against your sweating skin, giving you goosebumps and making you clench a little around him. Wash didn’t move, waiting for you to adjust with the occasional strangled noise.

You started squirming a little under him after awhile, the need for him to move overriding anything else. You tilted your hips up into him, trying to signal that you were ready.

Wash took the hint quickly, but his thrusts were careful and gentle. He buried his head in your shoulder as he moved. You clung to him, rocking your hips into his as he thrusted.

“Damnit, I’m not breakable.” You growled, frustrated. You heard Wash chuckle next to your ear.

“Careful what you wish for,” Wash teased.

His next thrusts rocked the bed.

You cried out beneath him, heedless of who might hear (honestly, in the middle of a planet wide civil war that had been going on for years, no one would really care that much). His cock filled you, stretching you perfectly and brushing your g-spot on every thrust. Your legs squeezed his hips, clinging to him with every limb as he rocked you into the stratosphere. His ass flexed under your heels as he pounded into you, making the bed frame creak and groan. You hardly noticed as you wailed under him. Still sensitive from the orgasms he’d already given you, you were teetering close to the edge. You babbled his name, arching into him as you clenched tightly around his cock. You felt him come inside you, pushing you over the edge. You screamed wordlessly, barely noticing the alarming swaying of the bedframe as his hips slammed into yours, his cock driving into you and pushing you higher. Tears leaked from your eyes, and you lost the ability to focus on anything but the pleasure flooding your veins. Eventually, you blacked out.

When you came to, you were lying facedown on Wash’s chest. A blanket covered you both, and you felt pleasantly sore. Sore enough that you knew your shift tomorrow would be a little bit difficult.

Not that you had any regrets.

Eventually, you looked up into half open blue eyes. They snapped all the way open after a moment, your stirring getting his attention. Wash smiled at you, a clear unburdened look that you hadn’t seen from him since he’d come to your base.

“Thank you for that.” Wash said quietly.

“I think you already expressed that enough, don’t you?” You replied impishly.

“Can, uh, do you want - I mean, if, uh…” Wash flushed, stuttering a bit adorably.

“Are you trying to ask if I want to stay?” You interrupted, taking pity on him.

“Yeah.”

“It’d probably generate the wrong kind of talk if I did. What we did was one thing, but…”

“Right.” Wash replied quickly. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. Thanks for offering, though. I think your bed is nicer than mine.”

There was a long pause for a moment, before anyone spoke again.

“You don’t have to leave yet, do you?” Wash asked, his voice a little wistful.

“I guess I can spare a few minutes.”

#red vs blue fanfiction #red vs blue smut #agent washington/reader fanfiction #agent washington/reader smut #agent washington x reader fanfiction #agent washington x reader smut #fanfiction #writing

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unkindnessofone · 7 years

Text

5SOS. One Nest

This was a tough one to write. I don’t know how good it is. I know some people might not like it but it was highly requested. Probably helpful to read Rooms You're Tall In first. Enjoy. There’s a lot of stuff I want to write more on that happens in this story, let me know what you think! It’s also dedicated to my beloved @rotten-kandy who is always so supportive and nice to me. An absolute sweetie!

Dry from cleaning Daphne's car with more elbow grease than he was used to exerting these days, Luke took his uncomfortable hands on a search for salvation in the drawers of his wife's vanity in their bedroom. It wasn't as if he was snooping because it was where he often sat while she tweezed his eyebrows, trimmed his hair, or just harassed her with his mouth and hands while she tried to wax her own upper lip or attach her false eyelashes before going out. Plus Cagney was sitting right there, legs crossed as she listened intently to her daughter on the phone. Usually, the three just Skyped, but every now and again someone would ring up the other for a check in. Luke glanced at the time on his own phone in the pocket of his jeans and figured it was very early in the morning for Penelope. She was probably on her way to school or still just eating breakfast beforehand.

“I know what it's like. I've been there.” Cagney nodded at the end of both her sentences, offering her daughter some empathy before leaning into her advice. “It's nice to consider everyone's feelings, but you need to do what's best for you at the end of the day.” She had always told that to her children. When Miles had debated quitting football briefly, when March didn't want to go to another kid's birthday party, and when she was trying to get Penelope to reconsider going out on the weekend when there were exams to study for. Cagney very much believed in letting her kids make their own choices, but she still wanted to steer for them when they allowed her to. “I know he's your best friend.” Luke's interest was peeked and he stopped actually looking for his wife's hydrating hand cream and just stared at her profile while shuffling around aimlessly in her top left drawer. “Well, he is responsible for his choices and actions and you are responsible for yours. You can't make someone else's mind up for them.” Luke nodded in agreement even though he knew how frustrating that fact could be. He still was getting teased by his friend's for once roaring, over a decade ago, that everything would just be better if people did what he wanted. Calum and Skye had vowed to never let him live it down.”Alright, Pen. Have a great day at school, try not to think about it.” She didn't think her driven and usually relaxed daughter should have any trouble with compartmentalizing. “Do you want to talk to your dad before you go?” Luke stood up straight and reached for the phone eagerly. “Okay, I love you.” Cagney moved her cellphone from her ear and ended the call. “What are you looking for?” She asked before putting her phone down between her round brush and dry shampoo can.

“Hand cream.” Luke sighed, disappointed that Penelope hadn't said so much as 'hello' to him. He had talked to her just the other day in the morning out of the blue, but he wanted every opportunity to hear how she was. France was far away, but with her there, it felt even further. Of course, he understood she was probably running late for school and that was the priority.

Cagney opened up the top drawer on her other side and produced an apricot scented tube from the drug store, “I re-organized.” She told him with a smile before tending the open Zuca kit behind her, shifting around on the chair to sift through it. She had an upcoming girl's trip with Simone in a few days, joining one of her closest friends as a hairstylist and shopping buddy while she went to different stores where her jewelry was sold among the boroughs of New York. Cagney had been worried about leaving with March being so down in the dumps, but Luke was on vacation from all his producing jobs and his own creative work that she felt better about being going away. He and Luke had been becoming closer and Cagney thought there couldn't be a better time for them to delve into bonding.

“How is Pen?” On the edge of the bed, massaging his hands together thoroughly with just a dime size of lotion, Luke enquired. He would have been satisfied with just a quick 'good' or 'great', but he knew Cagney would give him more details. The kids talked to them about different things. Cagney always managed to earn their gossip and emotional rants while Luke earned more practical questions and what they should ethically do in real and hypothetical situations.

“She seemed a little stressed.” It was a sentence neither of them had uttered about their eldest and it was also one they had never heard about her. Luke completely stopped what he was doing, hand lotion bottle open beside him and hands still clasped together, and just zoned in on the straight center part of his wife's perfectly blown out hair. “She is in a love triangle. Well, kind of.” It wasn't as if they knew how Jules felt. To quote Penelope, 'He's just being so wonderful and French, so I don't know!'

“Is that what you two were talking about when I walked in?” He had only heard what Cagney's advice to her was. She didn't keep the volume on her phone as loud as he did his, Luke couldn't make out anything being said on the other end of the call.

“Yeah. She doesn't want to hurt anyone, you know? Connor and her apparently had a fight when he came in because he thought they would just pick up where they left off here and Penelope's met someone else that she thinks she might like.” While Miles had been lusting over every male and female body on the beach since he was about eleven and March had lost count of the girls on television that he had tickled his pickle to, Penelope was always unconcerned when it came to romantic feelings and relationships. She just always found other paths more interesting. It wasn't as if guys didn't pursue her and one particularly relentless female, but Penelope never really cared enough to try. Both Cagney and Luke figured this French guy must have been somebody special to capture the attention of their cool daughter.

“You told her to just do what she wants?” He paraphrased from his wife's response that he only could half recall now and closed up the lotion's tube with his much nicer feeling hands.

“I think that's pretty solid advice.” If Connor or this Jules fellow talked to their parents, which she doubted, Cagney assumed they would hear the same thing.

“I don't know.” Luke mused as he stood up and stretched. His arms and knees were sore from a lifetime of playing music physically as well as just from the last hour he spent with March scrubbing at the paint that refused to part ways with Daphne's car windows.

“What? You've never liked two people at the same time before?” Cagney finally looked up from her bag, two large cans of hairspray in one hand and asked Luke with a humored smile. When she met him in London in the Sassoon salon, he was in fourteen different tabloid articles all with different girls. She figured somewhere in that time he must have accidentally sent a text for one girl to another or found himself on a date with a pretty blond while thinking of some other model. He was young and had the world at his fingertips after all.

“I don't think we should be getting into this.” Luke advised her as a warning before putting her lotion back in the wrong drawer. He leaned down and kissed her, a small peck on the lips. “I'm going to go to my studio.” He informed her and headed out the bedroom, changing the vibe as he petered out. It had been a long time since Cagney thought back to when they were new parents of twins, to before Luke managed to get his fear or missing out and his lust for approval under control, to when they both were the worst versions of themselves. It was before all the therapy, when the largest crack in their relationship existed, jagged, right down the middle.

-----------------

It was where he felt he really shone. Shirt off, skin to skin, laying somewhat upright with one of his infant sons on his chest. Luke felt pretty unimportant when his children were first born. He couldn't produce food for them and he didn't have the forty (or thirty eight and a half in the case of the twins) weeks of bonding that Cagney did with them. So he just took to the instructions of his wife and helped out like a half diligent and half dimwitted intern. When it came to soothing though, Luke knew he could do that and do it well. It was where he had the chance to comfort and bond with them. Depending on the mood of the baby, he would just tell them about his dad or he would sing low one of his favourite songs. He had bathed and put Penny to sleep in order to take a load off Cagney while she fed Miles his last meal of the night. When March grew fussy as soon as Luke put Penelope's bedroom light out, he groaned tired and took off down the hall of their Sydney home to the nursery. Instantly, he had his small screaming son in both hands and held him against the exposed part of his hairy chest under his shirt. Once seated in the rocking chair, a gift from Gigi Hadid when Cagney was pregnant with Penelope, and he snuggled March close while carefully unbuttoning a few more buttons to give March more warm skin. He was only eleven weeks old and the world was still a cold scream in comparison to his mother's water bed womb.

Once back asleep, Luke stayed put in the chair. His own body was exhausted and he was running a deficit with sleep himself. He closed his blue eyes and hung his head back while his knees kept the chair rocking slightly. It was another thirteen minutes before he forced himself to stand up, rest March back into his crib, and leave the room with a trace of his kiss on both the babies soft heads of barely blond hair.

Luke was ready to crash. He had been since he dragged his body that felt like swamp water and sludge home around five in the morning. He would have collapsed on the couch if the babies hadn't been up and Cagney, along with his mom, weren't sitting on the couch with both twins, the two of them screaming in unison. It had been natural for Luke to rush in and help. It bought him a little time to think of a good argument about why he was out all night for when his Mom asked. He knew she would.

Luke walked to his room with shut eyes. They only peeled open when a gust of wind hit him much to his surprise. When he spied into his bedroom, he saw a mess of his clothes everywhere - mostly jackets - and Cagney furiously shaking them, checking the pockets and throwing them on the floor. She was half in their spacious walk in wardrobe and half in the main room. She didn't stop when Luke came closer, she didn't even notice him there.

"Looking for something?" Luke leaned his shoulder and hip into the door frame and just watched her for a moment. He hated how attractive she looked when she was on a mission. He secretly loved watching her at a photo shoot where she was crunched for time and trying to finish Michael's hair. The serious look that took over her stare always hooked him in.

"I don't know." Cagney sighed, dropping his vintage John Varvatos motorcycle jacket to the grown with a groan. She really didn't know if she wanted to find something or not.

"What's going on?" He inquired through a yawn, one hand lazily trying to shield his open mouth.

"You tell me." Cagney swiped at the mess around her bare feet, grabbing the collar of the dirty jean jacket he had worn out the night before and tossing it at him, just barely missing his face. Luke fumbled and caught the item of clothes right before it met the floor again.

"I don't understand..." Sincerely clueless and confused, Luke responded and looked over the frayed lining of one of his favourite jackets. He really had no idea what she was so frazzled about, but Luke assumed they were both just too tired to communicate well.

"There's fucking coke in the pocket." She surprised Luke so quickly with her curse, something she didn't have a habit of doing, that he didn't notice her charge at him to pull at the jacket without concern for its material. She reached into the chest pocket and whipped out the tiny bag and it's even tinier white dust.

"Jesus, Keg. You went through my jacket?" It had been lying on the bed from when he peeled off his sweat and liquor scented clothes from the night before. It was Luke's turn to be disappointed.

"You lied to me!" Cagney had some inkling that his friend's birthday was more than just shots and staying up til the sun rose. She recognized the gray tone of Luke's skin from the one other time she had seen him after a night of countless bumps. It had been a few months after they officially began dating and she told him right then that it wasn't her scene. Luke had shrugged his way through an explanation, telling her he only did it once in a while when offered and that if she didn't like it, he wouldn't do it.

"What?"

"I asked you if you did coke this morning right before we showered." With three small kids, they hadn't been able to be as intimate and sexual as they had been when they only Penelope to consider. Thankfully Liz had offered to take Penny for lunch while the twins napped, giving Cagney and Luke time to spend together. "You said ‘no’ and then we had sex!" She felt absolutely furious.

"I don't really remember doing it, okay? It's not mine." He could be honest when he said he had never actually spent any money on cocaine.

"I don't think it's unreasonable to not want coke in the house!" They had small children wandering around. Cagney had a sick feeling that if Penny had found it somehow she would have thought it was candy and eaten it.

"Of course. It shouldn't be in here, I agree. If I knew I had it on me..."

"I don't want you to go out as much!" The words rushed out of her mouth before they even ran through her brain. Cagney was gripping at her messy ponytail and squinting her eyes shut. She was exhausted and now she was angry with her husband, the combination made her chest ache terribly. She realized only then in the silence that she was trembling.

"Okay..." Luke hated being told what to do, but he could see her body shaking under her generous gray shirt and black capri leggings. It was her uniform since having twins. She refused a nanny despite the many recommendations she was given. "Keg, I don't do coke." With trepidation, Luke began to approach her, stepping through his jackets and dress shirts. "You know I'm not an addict..."

"You party all the time."

"You've gone out since the twins were born." It wasn't as if she became June Cleaver after Penelope was born. She and Luke had always been really proud that they still went out even when Penelope was first born. They would spend their mornings exploring new cities as a family of three and then leave Penny with a sitter or Liz while hitting an after party, making out like teens before doing it all over again.

"I went out once to dinner with Grace. I had two glasses of wine and was home by midnight." She had felt guilty the whole time. "I don't believe you when you say you don't do coke." The signs were all stacking up in her mind. Her shoulder shook on purpose, forcing the hand Luke placed on her to slip off.

"Are you serious?" His eyes narrowed in on her and framed her tightly. Luke forgot all about his exhaustion as he felt himself be insulted by his wife.

"You have a problem. You're so fucking scared of missing out on a good time, so you stay out and get messed up with all your 'yes' people." She was overwhelmed with three small children and she knew Luke was as well, but they were choosing it to handle it differently. She was trying to do it all by herself like superwoman and he was trying to pretend his life hadn't drastically changed eleven weeks ago. “You don't want to grow up.”

“I am trying to make both my lives work!” He roared. Luke didn't expect Cagney to get it, not when they were both this overtired. He had to still be Luke Hemmings the rock star and the diligent husband and adoring father of three. It was not easy to strike an equal balance of the two very different lives. “When I'm out, I'm disappointing you and when i'm home, I'm disappointing everyone else.” He felt the strain no matter what he did. When he skipped album release parties and industry events to stay home with his family in Australia, Luke received countless annoyed texts or vaguely threatening emails from his management just like when he did fly elsewhere for a couple days he could feel the irritation from his wife. He fallen for her because of her warmth and understanding, but he had come to know she knew how to cast a chilly breeze with a single glance.

Luke had moved away from her now, thrusting his arms through his beloved denim jacket. He wasn't planning to leave though there was always somewhere for him to go. He was just overheating with anger and needed to do something with his hands. Cagney just watched him with utter disgust. It was an expression she hadn't ever given to him before. He had seen it before when she was cross with paparazzi coming to close, when another woman told Luke that she was okay being the other woman right in front of her, but it was never directed at Luke before and he had to look away. The sight of it brought shame shooting through his body. He felt dry and oily all at once. There was no amount of cleansing to rid him of how gross he felt.

“Well, I'm sorry that we are cramping your style here.” She overannunciated every word, making sure each vowel hit him before she kicked away the jacket closest to her and rushed out of their walk-in. “But don't worry, you keep bringing drugs into the house and partying til 5 in the morning, I promise we won't be here anymore.”

“Is that a threat? Fuck.” He growled right back, feeling the heat of her threat and reacting promptly without any though. “Are you fucking threatening me?” This was ugly now. They were headed to Michael and Grace territory, a place they promised not to go after listening through a hotel room wall to Grace throwing objects and Michael roaring like a poked and prodded tiger in it's cage. Luke knew, in the back of his mind, if they weren't so tired that things wouldn't have come to this, if he hadn't stayed out this wouldn't have happened.

“If you want to be Luke Hemmings, Party Monster, go for it. We'll be in Minnesota and we will not miss you and your hungover bullshit.” Cagney's finger ripped through the space between her and Luke. She nearly poked him right between the eyes.

“That's not funny, Cagney. Don't say that.” Luke could admit, maybe quietly between friends or to his older brothers, that he had been losing control lately. He was anxious when he missed out on a party somewhere, he craved the burn of whiskey down his throat the moment it hit six PM, and he liked being the center of attention. He wasn't under the spotlight at home and that was hard. Still, he couldn't stand the thought of his children being taken away from him. He hadn't realized how ungrateful he was that he was allowed to see them whenever he wanted and as much as he wanted. He had a job that allowed him to bring them with him. He didn't have to stress about daycare or family trips. He was lucky and, if he kept messing up, he would lose comforting his sons against his chest or splashing in the shallow end with toddler Penny.

“I'm not joking.” Her tone of voice made that crystal clear. “Go. I don't want to sleep near you tonight. I can't even look at you – bringing cocaine in the house. We are not these people.” She began to walk away from him, hands on her hips as she counted between her inhale and exhales.

“What do you want me to do, Keg?” Luke gasped, throwing his arms out at his side's like a scarecrow just to drop them against his ribs. He watched her backside and waited, hoping she would turn around and face him with the same kind eyes he had proposed to.

“I want you to be the person you promised me you'd be!” She went to scream, but instead, began to sob. Cagney's chest sunk inward as she stopped walking. She curled up in the middle of the room, hugging her stomach, and bawling. “I want you to be who Penny needs you to be.” Very slowly, as Luke crept up behind her with caution, Cagney turned around and squeaked. Luke opened up his arms to allow her in. He touched her like she was glass, but she pushed away while shaking her head expeditiously. “No!” She shouted and jumped away. “Be better. Get better. If you need to go away to do that or if we need to make changes, whatever. Just don't be this guy.” When the brought Penelope home, Luke was a dream. He was attentive and interested while also scared, but they were both in over their heads with the twins. Somehow, Cagney was laying on the door in the middle of the ocean while Luke had let go and was inviting water into his lungs.

He didn't need her to push him away anymore. He left the mess in their closet and walked out of the room. Luke would have rather stayed and comforted Cagney, but she refused to let him so he went downstairs to the basement to sleep by himself. As he shut off the hallway light, he passed by the twins room. There was no noise, not even the sound of a mobile or creak, so he kept walking. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted half of Penny's curious face through the forced crack between her door and it's frame. He and his wife bickering must have alarmed her. Luke locked his eyes with her and reached out to push her door open with a heavy sigh, but she took off running into her bed as quick as her very small feet could carry her. Luke decided to let it go. He was too tired. Simply, he took himself to the basement and brought out a fur blanket to sleep under in his underwear. His cell phone was lit up on his stomach when he awoke an hour after drifting off. Two year old Penelope Hemmings was crawling over his long legs without any knowledge on how to be discreet.

“I love you, Papa.” She whispered through the dark. Luke sleepily blew her a kiss with just his lips before moving the blanket behind his knees, allowing her to burrow behind them and stay warm with him.

-----------

It felt like years had gone by like speeding cars since he was last in front of Calum Hood and Skye Pierre's house. Of course, it had only been a few months since March last pulled up on his bike to pick up Daphne with the handles as a seat and bike downtown to hang out with a bunch of their friends doing nothing with slushie drinks in hand. When the two teenagers were together, they spent most of their time at the Hemmings house, but March had still become something of a staple in Calum's doorway where he would often wait for Daphne to finish getting ready. He had sat in the living room with Daphne, sprawled out over the coffee table, and helped her with her homework while finishing his own. March still felt like Skye's gravy was the best that he had ever had and that included a lot of five star meals and his mom's home cooking. Of course, he had not mentioned this fact to his mom.

March breathed slowly like his Dad had advised him to when he felt outside of the control room of his emotions. He watched his nervous and shaking hands on the steering wheel and didn't turn off Daphne's car until the anxiety subsided. Once the car was off, March pushed open the door and freed himself of the nostalgic scent of leather seats and Daphne's favorite perfume to spray after dance class in an attempt to mask her body sweat. As he walked around front of the car, he heard another door close. He was halfway up the driveway, just next to Skye's SUV when Daphne appeared in comfortable sweatpants and tight ribbed magenta sweater that pulled over her breasts that barely fit inside the fabric. Her hair was folded lopsided into a giant messy bun on top her head and March drove his eyes into the different twirls of chocolate hair to keep himself from gawking at the curves he missed touching.

“Here you go.” He reached forward with her keys, the oversized pink glittery cupcake fob on the end dangling in the space between them. “It's clean.”

After taking the keys, Daphne turned her head to stare at her car, previously covered in uppercase hate, and discreetly nodded in agreement that it was now clean. In fact, unless someone had seen it earlier in the evening, they would never know it had been vandalized.

“You didn't have to do that, you know?” Through her always breathy voice, Daphne told him. She wanted to look him in the eyes, but she hadn't been able to since coming out for longer than a second. Daphne just kept referring back to the heavy key fob in her hands as if it was more interesting than March's sharp blue gaze.

“I did, actually.” A hiccup of laughter choked it's way up March's throat at her comment. “You know how my Dad feels about being told 'no' when he asks us to do something.”

“True.” Daphne chuckled back. She hadn't realized this was the first pleasant exchange they shared since breaking up. It felt very naturally for them both. “Thank you. All of you guys.”

“Just so you know Miles didn't help at all.” While he had been nervous about dropping off the car and wished his Dad had just done it himself since he was the one who drove it to the car wash from the football game, March now felt relaxed. It was just him and the girl who meant everything to him. Her day had ended with bullying, so he didn't want to pile onto her anymore with the feelings that tormented him all the time. “He says he twisted his ankle at his game, so it was just me, my dad, and Taylor who worked on your car.” March was a twin before he was anything else and there was no way the guy older than him by just a few minutes was getting the credit for his hard work.

“You don't believe him?” Daphne dropped her keys into one pocket of her sweatpants before gripping her hip and asking with two brows raised so high that they disappeared under her messy bangs.

“Nope. I twist my ankle on my board all the time. He's hamming it up so he can lay around and watch TV and get out of washing a car.”

“He just had a football game.”

“Are you team Miles now? You don't have to be team March, but that's a low blow.” It was a fluid interaction. March had been teasing Daphne since they were as tall as their parent's shins. They just melted back into themselves on the driveway. They were laughing into one another's smiles and March was hoping time would stand still so he wouldn't have to say 'goodbye'.

“No!” Daphne shook her head and playfully retorted. “Twisted ankles hurt. I'm team be nice to your brother.”

“Fair, that's on brand.” March folded his arms around his chest as he laughed. A small silence stepped between them and he considered filling it. He could damper the moment with an apology for previous behavior, he could ask her how school was going and pretend to care about small talk, or he could reveal to her what everybody already knew by telling her he wanted her to be his girlfriend again. Daphne rubbed her lips over one another again and again, wondering what he would say if she invited him in or if she even had the right to know if he had hooked up with somebody since they broke up. “My board is in your backseat. I'm going to get it and go.” He told her and shuffled a few steps away, moving his arms down and pushing his hands into the pocket of his tight jeans.

“Okay, but don't leave yet.” She froze him by saying in a quiet rush. Daphne took off running back into her house and March waited patiently by her car's backseat door. He had no idea what was happening, but he was hopeful that she would come flying back out to kiss him or something like that. A guy could dream.

Instead, right as he reached in for his skateboard, he heard Daphne's front door close again and when he turned around, she was standing steps away from him with a a large Tupperware square. It wasn't her lips reglossed and all over his, but he could tell from the transparent edge that it was something with chocolate and that was a decent second.

“I made these to say 'thanks'.” She reached out to give him, figuring the brownies were secured enough for him to skateboard home with them. “Don't eat them all. Save some for your Dad and Taylor.” She supposed anybody else who wanted them as well. “There's pecans in them since Penny isn't at home.”

“Man, I've eaten so much peanut butter since she left.” He laughed mostly at himself, one palm on his belly so he could pat it as if it was full of only the food that could literally kill his older sister. “Thanks.” March took the Tupperware as soon as his board was on the ground. “And hey, Daph, if someone is being shitty to you at school, tell me.” He played it cool, running his empty hand through his hair, but March meant what he was saying as law.

“I didn't know if you'd care...” She admitted to her feet and the cement like it was an embarrassing secret.

“I'll always care.” As soon as he admitted it and her wide eyes went in on him, March wished he had kept that to himself. “And I'd happily rip the hands off of whoever wrote that shit on your car. Do you know who did it?” March had his own theories himself, but he didn't know as much about Daphne's life anymore. Maybe, she had a new enemy. He couldn't imagine the soft spoken dancer purposefully hurting anyone.

“I really don't.” She knew she wasn't exactly cool, but Daphne didn't think anyone hated her that much.

“Well, they're wrong. You're not those things and you're my friend. So let me know if it happens again.” March's stomach was feeling twisted inside. He felt like he had said too much and he might as well have been standing naked in front of her. “I really would kill whoever did it.” He promised again. “See you tomorrow.” He held the brownies against the side of his ribs and took off quickly, leaving Daphne to watch him skate away before moving her car into the garage. She felt better somehow. It seemed like things with March might be okay for now. She knew they may never go back to normal and that they might not actually be friends, but it was nice to hear him say so anyway.

= ~~~~~

Most days, Penelope's schedule was the same. She went to school, studied, and then took the subway for three stops to arrive back in her neighborhood and just a few blocks away from the restaurant she worked in for both money and experience. She was lucky because since she wasn't a culinary prodigy or had a plethora of experience in a kitchen, her routine still felt like a wild adventure where anything could happen. It was that kind of excitement that Penelope needed to stay interested in something. It was one of the many reasons she loved to surf back before she was chronically concussed. No matter how talented or well seasoned you were on your board, nobody ruled the water and you could encounter a challenge to conquer with every wave. Sometimes, experimenting with recipes gave her the same feeling. When something went wrong on her stove top or she had a few, but strange ingredients in her cupboard, she felt hugely successful when a good meal came through.

Penelope was wrestling her arms out of her lined autumn denim coat and into her white chef's jacket as she raced down the last block before work. She usually made impeccable time, but one of her instructors had asked her to stay after class to talk to her about getting a weekend of next month to go to the small town of Uzerche to visit and tour a cattle farm. He thought it would be an excellent opportunity for her since the closest thing she had been to was a petting zoo. He also really liked Penelope, much more than their pastry instructor did. Mademoiselle Valerie thought that Penelope lacked any instincts and criticized her work at any opportunity. Cerise always just told Penny it was because she was half American and Mademoiselle Valerie felt that French technique belonged to, simply, French people.

She pushed open the kitchen door and expected to be greeted by steam and the scent of rosemary olive oil. Instead, she nearly collided with the faux gold buttons of a flashy coat she had seen a few times before. It belonged to Jules, he was just getting off his first job at the hotel. He was early as he usually didn't come to work before the sun had set. Penelope really thought she would be able to be completely avoid him their entire shift together, the first day they worked together since she had revealed her feelings for him last weekend. It wasn't as if there was much free time when you were working in a kitchen or on stage anyway. She planned to just keep her head down, do her job, and ignore the beautiful Ferrer Rocher eyes of Jules Archambault and his spicy cologne. Now she had no choice, but to greet him since he had already said 'Bonjour, Penelope' and turned his attention away from the bulletin board to face her.

“'Allo Jules.” She said inwardly, focusing more on doing up the front of her clean uniform.

“Do you have time to chat?” He asked sanguinely, eyes full of hope and his smile as inviting as a formal letter from a royal suggesting a tea date.

“No. Sorry.” It wasn't really a lie. She did have to join the line in under two minutes unless she wanted the head chef to take a Wusthof to her throat and serve her like croutons with the evening's salade special. “I'm late today.” She was not proud of that fact.

“It'll just take a second.” He knew it wasn't common for her work to come without scheduled breaks and once he was on stage, he couldn't just step down to talk to whoever he wanted. Even if they were as lovely as Penelope Hemmings was to him.

“Can you text it?” She didn't generally have the chance to look at her phone until after work, but that way he would have whatever he was holding onto off his chest and she could answer when she had actual time. “Or is it really bad?” Penelope didn't want him to consider her a bad friend even though she was feeling out of her element standing before him with her having been so honest last time they were together. Still, if Jules needed a shoulder, she wanted to be there for him.

“No, it's not bad. I just....No, it can wait.” He didn't wrestle with himself. He sighed inwardly and began to walk away. He wasn't very fond of his doormen uniform and was eager to strip it off him anyway. “Have a great shift.” He wished Penelope before disappearing from her line of sight, presumably headed to the back office to hang up his bright blue jacket where he usually hung up the hat he often was made to wear with it.

Penelope finally exhaled after holding her breath tightly through their exchange. She was scurrying over to her place in line across from Alexandra, but the very moody French woman, the Daria of the kitchen, waved at her with a cleaver to turn around. Penny stood still and squinted at her workmate. It was challenging to read the girl's lips as they were thin by design and she didn't speak English fluently. Eventually, after a couple tries, Penelope figured out that she was telling her to turn around, but she didn't know why.

“I've got this! Go talk to him!” Alexandra finally just shouted over the room of bodies, the simmering pans, and the curses of other line cooks. Since discovering that her beautiful blond friend was a virgin, Alexandra felt inspired to help her romantically somehow. She saw the way Penelope sunk into hypnosis when they watched Jules play drums. It was obvious the Australian-American was two steps away from being a full fledged fan girl which was Penelope's greatest fear since she grew up being scared of the girls who chased her in her dad's arms or screamed outside their car when she was a small baby.

Penelope rolled her eyes and then did as she was shouted to. She trusted that if anyone could help her weasel her way out of the wrath of the kitchen talking heads, it was Alexandra. Alexandra was a woman who had spent her life proving how good she was and now she didn't take shit from anyone. One day, if she was able to grow up, Penny wanted to be just like her.

Fidgeting with her hands together in front of her, as if she was playing cat's cradle with the air, she followed the way Jules had gone until she spotted him between the chef's office and the manager of the restaurant’s. He was wearing just his brown chinos, black socks, and nothing else. With her manners gone for a moment, Penelope just gawked. It was like the first time Simone saw Ashton backstage after going to a 5 Seconds of Summer concert for the first time. His hair was coated in sweat, his eyes were held captive by exhaustion, but his body was a maze of surprises and subtle brush strokes. Penny was in desperate need of a sit down talk with her Aunt Simone that would include a lot of wine. She wanted to know everything about dating a drummer as long as her aunt could leave out any stories of her Uncle Ashton naked.

“You change back here?” She pulled herself out of her stare to step forward and interrupt Jules. He squinted at her before pulling his head through an undershirt and then started to force his arms through the sleeves of a recently dry cleaned white shirt. “It's still technically a kitchen.” In her own apartment, sometimes Penelope would just wear an apron or a big shirt while cooking, but she felt like it was way more hygienic in a professional kitchen to have your body covered. “You should wear a hair net or something.” She half-joked.

“I thought you were a busy bee.” He shrunk the space between them, stepping into the open door frame between them and clutching both sides of it. His smirk was strong and Penelope just knew he was pleased she had returned.

“Alex has things under control at our station.” Penny shrugged quickly with one shoulder.

“Well, I was hoping you could send me your list of restaurants you want to go to here.” Jules informed her, holding her eye contact even when her eyes fell and just stared at his uniquely chiseled chin.

“Yeah, sure. I'll do it tonight when I'm home.” It was on her laptop on a spread sheet. She wrote down what she ordered, what she thought, and what she wanted to try to make herself after her experience there. It was very nerdy and she refused to show anyone, so she would have to just take the restaurant names and text them to him.

“Okay.” She was so obliging that Jules wasn't able to really get his point across. “I know you're not working next Saturday until late,” The after hours crowd that was usually when he was on stage. “I thought we could cross a few places off. Breakfast, coffee, lunch, snack, maybe dinner if there's time.” Jules knew Penny couldn’t drive in France and wasn’t really supposed to be, but he felt like biking together would be safe.

“Yeah, that would be so fun. I already know where we could go for lunch.” Penelope may have had a long wishlist of places to try, but she also had spots that she loved already. L'as du Falafel was one of those beloved places and not just because her and her ate there twice when he helped her move to France.

“No, Penny,” He rarely called her by her shortened name and it flicked in her eyes as strange when he said it that way. “I'm trying to plan something. I'm asking you out on a date.” He came right out and just said it.

Penelope didn't realize it, but her mouth was hanging open. Her eyes were hooked onto the one pocket on the chest of his shirt as she stood still and stunned. It wasn't until Jules rested his head on his shoulder and forced himself into her view that she shut her mouth and laughed.

“Okay, sure.” She shrugged again, playing it cool. Connor appeared in her mind though. She was ten seconds into a mental dance party when her lifelong friend came into her mind with his ukulele and perfect teeth. “Can I actually get back to you?” She asked as Jules pushed himself off the door frame and further into the room to finish buttoning up his shirt. “I just want to make sure I don't have any plans already first.” It wasn't a lie. She did have to check with her school schedule, but Penelope also wanted to talk to Connor beforehand. She hadn't answered any of his six apology texts and they hadn't said anything to each other since she walked away from him and out of the club parking lot a few nights ago. It felt like a string pulling on her stomach, dragging her to unfinished business. She couldn't move forward until everything was settled.

“Sure, whatever you need.” Jules thought that she would agree instantly given that she had been the one to share her feelings with him, but his mother had warned him that American girls could be complicated even if she only gathered that from soap operas he downloaded for her.

-------

California didn't feel like home anymore. Even though she was American by birth, Cagney preferred their house in Australia. Now that she had three kids, she just felt as if she was waiting in someone else's life in their house in Burbank. They were only ever there because of Luke's work. It had been a week since their blow-up and while they were functioning fine, there was frost on the gears. She was more nervous in California since it seemed to her that there was more temptation and pressure for Luke there. She was trying not to lose her mind about it though. He was an adult and she couldn't control what he chose. She had two baby boys who needed her attention and body. She couldn't waste time trying to also raise Luke.

Accepting the night out as an opportunity to reconnect with her husband, Cagney took to the Capitol Records party with hopeful optimism. She invited Simone over so they could get dressed together, sharing a nanny for their five children for the evening. Cagney agreed to a black satin Theory dress that Simone picked for her despite not feeling as confident as she might have before harboring two babies inside her at once. It wasn't as if Cagney was ever a pillar of self-confidence. Still, she knew that she had not been making the same effort she once had due to her new schedule. Cagney blew out her hair the way she always wore it when she and Luke began dating, remembering how untamed he was with his hands when they would be sitting in a booth, surrounded by people, his calloused fingers running through her blond locks like they were his source of comfort, his Linus blanket when everything felt like too much.

At first, Cagney pretended she wanted to be there. She pushed herself to not check her phone in her clutch for the first hour. She smiled with the tip of her tongue pressed to the back of her teeth and even acted thrilled to see people she didn't remember ever having met. Still, Cagney just wanted to run out of the room, hop in the first Uber, and go back to her children. It was nice, she had to admit, to have Luke's hand on her backside though, guiding them both through the room, whispering the occasional name into ear. He even checked twice if she was having a good time and he pretended to believe her when she said she was happy.

Luke excused himself once he had his second drink in hand, leaving Cagney with Calum who had come alone since Skye was on bed rest in British Columbia. They were so excited to finally have a child together. It seemed like it was going to work out for them this time, but everybody was holding their breath. The struggle Calum and Skye had gone through had not only been brutal, but it had not been in private. Even people who disliked the pair were wishing them well. They were due soon and Calum's knees were bouncing nonstop. He couldn't wait to fly back to Canada to be with Skye and her underwhelming bump.

“Hey gorgeous.” A distant, but familiar voice forced Cagney to look up from her phone. She was just about to check her texts after showing Calum a few pictures of Miles and March, but she threw her head upward quickly. It didn't sound like Luke, but she hoped that it was. She worried about where he went or who he went with. While it wasn't Luke, she jumped up gleefully and wrapped her arms around her old friend, holding her phone behind his neck.

“God, I haven't seen you in so long!” In Dacre's ear, Cagney happily cooed as he squeezed her back, one hand where Luke's had been all night. “When was the last time I saw you?” When Luke wasn't touring, Cagney had the chance to take other jobs and early on, she had met Dacre Montgomery while shooting a video for VMAN. They became fast friends since she was dating an Australian at the time and he was Australian. They bonded fast and Luke had come to like him just as swiftly.

“You were pregnant but not the last time,” Through tabloids and the grapevine, he had heard she and Luke welcomed twin boys. “It was with your daughter. Penelope?” He had to guess.

“Yes!” Her eyes blinked rapidly, her fake lashes causing a small breeze down her face. It felt like ages since she had dressed herself up and put lipstick on let alone false lashes and earrings. “I heard you were just cast in a huge action film. Like a franchise.” Not knowing it could have been a rumour, Cagney gushed.

“Keep it down. I'm not allowed to say anything.” Laughing, he pretended to shush her before guiding her back to the both she was sitting at. As Cagney collected the back of her dress under one hand, she realized only then that Calum wasn't there anymore. He had gone to find a quiet spot in the crowded room in order to answer a call from Skye. “You look beautiful by the way.” Dacre mentioned off hand. “Where's your husband before I get in trouble for staring?” He only half teased. He had been disappointed many years back when they first met and she mentioned casually that she was in a committed relationship. He felt like she was something like a 70s bombshell with her big blond hair and girl-next-door smile.

“He's around here somewhere.” Cagney looked around, twirling her finger like a slow cyclone through the air beside her. “You know Luke, he knows everyone a little bit.” She half-laughed. Without realizing, Cagney melted into the way Dacre's eyes were biting at her. The attention was nice since she hadn't been feeling very pretty lately (or even very human) and she had felt so distant from Luke, more so than any time there had been an ocean between them.

“He would agree anyway.” Dacre laughed with a shrug of his shoulder to his ear. “You're gorgeous.” While they didn't see one another often, he always made sure to tell her that. He never had his chance with her, but it didn't mean he didn't wish for it.

“I don't know about that.” Rolling her eyes, she said truthfully. “It's hard to be sexy when you have two new babies and a toddler running around. This is the only thing I have without drool on it and it's not mine!” She joked and leaned into the booth behind her, genuinely enjoying herself and feeling relaxed for the first time since she and Luke fought in their closet back in Sydney.

-------

Empty. She was a Tamagotchi blinking rapidly to be recharged. Penelope felt drained after work. Taking a day off from her usual routine of school then work had given her body the opportunity to forget the stamina it had built up. She told herself that she would work on her assignment during her lunch hour tomorrow like she often did as Penny slowly pulled her body up the steps to the floor her apartment was on. She was dreaming of passing out on top of the blankets on her futon naked. It wasn't until Penny heard her phone buzzing in her purse as she dropped it by the front door of her small place that she remembered she had texted Connor, asking if they could talk. Grumbling to herself, Penelope locked her door and then bent down onto both knees to retrieve her phone. It was Connor.

"Salut? I mean, hi." She corrected herself and inhaled, giving herself one last shot of energy.

"Hey." On the other side, Connor sounded unsure of himself. He was goofy and confident around her, but she could hear the insecurities that she always knew he had through the phone. "You wanted to talk? You good?" They might have had their first fight, but Connor still cared about his best friend.

"Yeah, I'm good. I just walked through the door. How was Marseilles and Lyon?" There was a part of her that was buying time, but Penny also was genuinely curious. As awful as some of the things he had said to her had been, Penny was in the habit of reading any and all reviews she could find about Connor's songs and live performances. They were currently very mixed in France. The sentence 'Talented and truly adorable aren't enough to make Connor Wylie more than just a warm up act' stood out for Penelope, but she recalled reading about how much they had loved him in Berlin. The reviewer called him 'a blinding star absolutely necessary to keep an eye on'.

"Okay. I can't shake the feeling of...Sunday." He didn't want to be dramatic, but it was the truth. He was trying to devour the energy the crowds were giving to him graciously, but his mind was reeling over how guilty he felt and his body ached with regret.

"Yeah." She understood that. "I hate that I upset you like that."

"No, it was me. I know what it's like to like two people at once," Connor had gone through high school dreaming of Penelope while buying other girls cocoa and bracelets. "I could have been nicer." He should have been. "I was just disappointed, not that it's an excuse." He just really thought they would spend all his free time together with their bodies as close as they could be without fornicating in public.

"I'm sorry." Penny didn't worry about letting others down. She just wanted to live her best life. However there was something about crushing Connor's dreams that picked at her. She wanted them to raise one another up, she wanted them to find happiness simultaneously somehow.

"You don't have to be sorry. You don't owe me anything." On the other end of the phone, Connor's voice was dry. He was in need of the break he had finally had today, but talking to Penelope hurt so badly that it was as if he hadn't self medicated with copious cups of lemon and hot water all day. "Have you told Jules about your...crush?" Connor decided to try his best friend hat on again, making sure it still fit. He knew for a fact that Penelope had done things she didn't like doing for him, so he could pretend that asking about Jules didn't make him want to vomit all over the fluffy white hotel robe he had on while laying in bed in the dark.

"Connor," Penny almost laughed, knocking her head of messy hair falling out of its ponytail against the closed door. "I know you don't want to talk about that."

"I'm trying, Pen." As a reaction, he chuckled back at himself. She had never agreed to being his dream girl, but he was committed to being her best friend.

"Connor," Her tone deepened and Penelope closed her tired eyes to prepare herself to be unabashedly honest. "I really like you and there's a part of me that wants for us to have a chance to be together."

"Really?"

"It pops into my mind out of nowhere way too often." It made her feel very uncool. "But our lives are so different right now. You got to know this isn't the right time..."

Connor was reluctant to agree. He had been fighting with himself since he saw Penelope in Paris looking like a lazy Sunday Disney Princess. He wanted to be her Prince Charming so bad, but there was no one in the world who was going to stand in the way of the music career he was currently building on the road, not even Penelope Hemmings.

"I know." Finally, through a congested throat, Connor cracked.

"Tonight Jules asked me out and I want to say 'yes', and while I don't need your permission, I don't want to lose you as a friend. I'm not going to say yes if it hurts you at all." She was firm and sincere. For Connor or anyone she loved, she would set aside her wants and needs. Being selfish gave her enough concussions that she couldn't partake in her favourite activities anymore. She wasn't even supposed to drive, so Penelope had learned to be more considerate. “You’re too important to me.”

Connor felt the power she was giving him. He wanted to abuse it and tell her how badly it would ache at him just to keep her single, keep her closer to him, but he knew how wrong that would be. It was just a date. It wasn't marriage. Connor leaned into his pillow and shut his eyes, Penelope's face hurt in the parking lot immediately coming into view.

"I want you to be happy." He meant it even if his voice sounded deeply pained. "And I really hope you have a good time." Connor felt confident that he could take Penny on a very memorable date when given the chance. In his head, he told himself he would fly her to a private island on a private plane and they could spend a night with their toes in the sand and their hair in the saltwater. Connor didn't know much about Jules beyond that he had one leg and played drums, but he doubted that he was any real competition. If Penelope saw something in him, it had to exist. She was no one's fool.

"Thank you." It was exactly what Penny needed to hear in order to tell Jules 'yes'. Connor's sentiment massaged at her conscience and she let a tiny sigh of relief as proof.

"And the stuff I said about your Dad - " Connor started and Penny began shaking her head rapidly.

"Let's not dive back into that, okay? I know you're sorry and that's what counts for me." Penelope really didn't want to drudge up all the horrible things they had said to each other. She had grown up accepting that people said things about her parents and other people in her life for the sake of selling news. Hearing rumors from her best friend's mouth was different than bright letters flashed on the internet. It brought up questions and questions she didn't want to consider.

"Okay." Connor confirmed to her plea. "I'm crashing. I have an early flight tomorrow." Really, today. "Skype soon?"

"You got it." Penny leaned into the phone, the heat it was radiating against her cheek only making her sleepier. "Love you, miss you." She mumbled before hanging up and dropping her phone between her knees. Penelope sat up against the door with shut eyes for a few minutes before picking herself up to strip out of her clothes. She thought, for a second, about texting Jules, but decided to go to bed and just talk to him in the morning on her way to school.

----

He had been walking a line and he knew it. Luke entered his house on pointed toes from the back door. The night hadn't slipped away from him even though he planned to tell Cagney that it had in order to avoid a fight. It wasn't as if they didn't usually drink when they were at the studio, but he hadn't planned to be recording the last song for their album deep into the night. He also didn't realize that their usual vodka drinks and cold beers would turn into shots. Luke did think he deserved a couple points for leaving his car behind and taking a cab home. He even made sure to drink a bottle of water before even calling for a ride. Luke dropped his keys causing a few jingles in the key of F as they hit the floor. He cursed himself out under his breath and bent down to get them. The light was new to them as he had shut his eyes upon reaching down to pick them up. Once standing upright, he looked around confused and then hung his head in defeat when he spotted Cagney, face red, in an old 5SOS shirt and a pair of black cotton shorts on the couch. She had a glass of wine sitting on the coffee table in front of her.

“I can explain -” He put both his hands up to stop her from speaking even though she wasn't about to.

“It's fine. You texted me. I really appreciate it.” Sniffling, she nodded over and over. It was the truth. When Cagney knew that he was okay or that things weren't going as planned, she felt better. It was when her mind was left to wander that she became nervous and upset.

Luke heard what she said, but he was concentrating more on her eyes. She had been crying. In fact, underneath her swollen red eyes, he could detect glistening which meant she had only just stopped.

“What happened?” Luke rushed over, feeling a burn in his throat from all the vodka he had consumed, but he pushed through and dropped to her side. His arm instinctively wrapped around her and pulled her close. Whether something awful had happened or it was just a hard day with the kids, he wanted to make things feel better. Luke had a hunch that would never change when it came to Cagney. He would always want to be the hero in her story. With the hand that had been on his leg, he reached up and wiped at her tear marks with his thumb. “Keg...” He kissed the side of her head, fly away hairs and all, and waited for her to explain. Since having children, she rarely had a hard time expressing herself. “Penny tough today?” She could be a stubborn when she wanted to be, Luke could admit it.

“No.” Cagney shook her head and frowned her forehead at the thought. This had nothing to do with Penelope. “She was great. Everybody was good.”

“Then what's going on?” Luke had never been very good when it came to guessing. He always felt out of the loop when it came to his own life.

“Dacre just left.” She swallowed and shared.

“Oh? I didn't know you guys had plans.” He knew Dacre and liked him. It was always nice to have a fellow Aussie in America. Luke personally felt like his people were better to party with not that he admitted it to any of his American friends who provided him with many good memories. It didn't strike Luke as odd that Cagney would catch up with old friends when they were spending time in the US. He imagined he would want adult company when cooped up all day with three children who could barely speak in audible English.

“I took Penny to the splash pad. He came with us.” Since coming to the US so Luke could finish the latest album, Cagney had decided to accept the help of babysitter and nannies, but just so she could have independent time with her eldest on occasion. It helped since Liz wasn't around to be an extra pair of hands when she needed them.

“Oh?” Luke nodded. He didn't really like the idea, but it wasn't worth mentioning, not when they were just getting close to reconnecting.

“Yeah, it was fun. I'm not feeling super swimsuit ready, so having him to - “

“You look great.” Luke shook his head at her words, turning them down with his scrunched up nose and kissed her lips. He was a little drunk and caught her completely off guard.

“Luke,” She slipped away from the touch of his arm and turned to him, one knee facing her wine glass and the other pointed at his groin. “Penny was in her room, she napped after, and...”

“What happened?” Luke expected the worst. He was waiting for Cagney to tell him their daughter fell and knocked her baby teeth out. “Is she okay?”

“She's fine. She’s fast asleep. Listen - “

“What's going on?”

“Dacre kissed me.” Cagney finally shut her husband up. Luke's back shot straight up and he stared off over his head, red glowing under his blue eyes from inside the pupils. “And I kissed him back.” Flames grew in rich hues, orange and yellow. Cagney glanced at Luke's hands, fingers gripping into the teal leather of their couch while his other nails dug into the skin exposed on his knees from the new frays in her black jeans. “We didn't have sex.” She thought, foolishly, that might make him exhale with relief, but he stayed still, burning a hole into the family photo of him, Cagney, and a newborn Penny behind him. “But we kissed for a long time....” She didn't know else to admit without saying they made out like horny teenagers in the pantry. “I know this is not okay,” Tears started to rush down Cagney's face. She felt shame and anger and she worried that Luke felt the same about her. “I hate myself.” She reached for him, looking to grab his hand on his knee with both her palms, but he pulled it away and let her fall onto the cushion between them. “I hate myself and you should hate me too, but I have felt so alone and you have been out all the time and - “

“Fuck you.” He muttered, a bonfire wild in his stare as he just barely glanced at her.

“I deserve that. You should yell at me.” She was shaking her head so viciously that she didn't notice that Luke was crying now. The fire raged on his glare, but tears were stinging at the dry skin that his face wore from being so dehydrated from the LA climate and his drinking habit. “But there's something else...” She had to purge. He needed to know everything if there was any chance that they would be okay.

“Fuck! What?” Luke threw his head back on the couch, his hands racing up and down his thighs as he tried not to overreact. What more could she possibly have to say? Was she leaving him? Was she pregnant? Was Dacre upstairs naked on his bed waiting for a threesome to commence? His own failure scratching inside the walls of his stomach. This was his fault, he knew it. He hasn't put her first, he hadn't turned himself around, he hadn't been enough...

“I think Penny saw us.”

Luke roared so loudly that his 'fuck' couldn't be made out properly. He stood up in a nanosecond and, with a force unknown to himself, he tossed their glass coffee table and the contents on it including stone coasters, her wine glass, and her cell phone across the room. Before he could scream at her or she could stifle her out of control crying, the sound of wailing cries from down the hall were unleashed. It was one of the babies and Luke instantly resented her for knowing which one since he couldn't tell their noises apart yet.

“When you're here, you're hung over and Dacre made me feel - “

Stopping her as she cried to him, gripping the stomach of his white shirt, Luke put his hand up in front of his face and pulled away. He needed to be comforted. He needed the same thing one of his sons did and he started to shake off his leather jacket as he headed to their nursery, readying to comfort his son and try to calm down himself. Cagney followed close behind him, trying to explain how Penny came into the pantry, but Luke closed the door on her and gathered March in his hands in the dark, singing through his painful tears 'Ten Years Gone' by Led Zeppelin. He could hear Cagney crying in the hallway, but she might as well have been on the other side of the world. They were going to need a lot of saving and Luke worried what they would become once he walked out of the nursery.

***********************

In the kitchen, Cagney wiggled her nose at the screen of her laptop that she had set up on the kitchen island. Most of her life since she turned eighteen had been travelling especially being married to Luke and making their relationship work, but she still always felt anxious when it came to travelling. So she always had to look over her airline itinerary a hundred times before she set off.

“Hello.” She took her eyes away from the screen and smiled at Luke as he strolled into the kitchen, yawning with his arms over his head. “Good morning.” She grinned as he came around and kissed her. With the conversation they had had the night before, she wasn't sure how romantic he would be feeling. It had been a long time since they almost stumbled even into a conversation about the roughest patch they encountered. Cagney was thrilled when she felt her husband pull her closer and suck on her bottom lip. It wasn't a usual morning kiss. “You're in a good mood? Excited to have the house to just you and the boys?” She teased, staring up at her tall man as he held her to his chest.

“I'm proud of us.” Very sincerely, he told her in a serious tone. “We are really good.” It didn't always feel like they would make it and yet he felt closer to Cagney than he had when they were young, child free, and travelling the world together.

“We are. We've built a good life.” Cagney agreed with a smile that made her entire face beam. She had been so grateful for the mountains they climbed. They had carried each other sometimes, but together they made it to the top and she knew now they could do it again with their boys going through high school and their daughter studying in Paris. They could do anything as long as they were together.

“Let's go for breakfast. When was the last time we just went out the two of us?” Luke had tried to remember when Miles and March were whipping by him, racing one another to see who could get to the end of the driveway to their bikes the fastest. He had an idea, but he wasn’t sure if it had actually happened or not.

“Not to an industry thing? I don't know.” They always had another couple with them or one of their kids.

“I got to take you for a date before someone else does.” Luke joked, not even realizing what an accomplishment that was for him. Cagney just melted closer, hugging his chest to her as she kissed him again. She had made her mistakes and Luke had made his, but she wasn’t going to risk even the hardest parts of their lives together for a fleeting moment of joy. As painful as some of their memories were, Luke and Cagney had both learned the hard way how to appreciate one another.

#5sos au #5sos imagine #luke hemmings au #luke hemmings imahine #lukehemmings imagine #luke hemmings imagine

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the-desolated-quill · 7 years

Text

The Beast Below - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Remember those awful social satire episodes RTD used to write during his tenure? Episodes like The Long Game and Bad Wolf with social commentaries so obvious it feels like being hit on the head with a two ton anvil wearing concrete slippers and carrying an anchor? Thank God we don’t have to put up with those now Moffat is in charge, right?

...

Oh.

The Doctor and Amy arrive on Starship UK in the 29th century where solar flares have roasted the Earth and now the human race is searching the stars for a new place to live. But something is not quite right. How can Starship UK be flying without an engine? What monstrous creature dwells at the bottom of the ship? Who is the hooded woman in the mask? What’s the deal with those Smilers? What exactly happens inside the voting booths? And why the fuck should I give a shit about any of this?

In case you missed the oh so subtle political allegory that Moffat has cobbled together here, The Beast Below is supposed to be a satirical jab at the UK’s electoral system by way of The Matrix. No seriously. The whole Forget and Protest stuff is a direct ripoff of the red pill/blue pill scene from The Matrix (and it wasn’t very good then). The problem Moffat runs into is the same one RTD continuously ran into whenever he tried these types of episodes. Too much focus is given to the glaringly obvious satire and not enough goes toward actually developing the setting, giving us a reason to care about the characters within that setting, or explaining how the mechanics of this world actually works. If anyone who presses the Protest button just gets fed to ‘the Beast,’ why bother giving them a choice at all? Why not just erase their memories and let them live their lives in blissful ignorance? And why do the voting booths let you record messages to yourself? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of forgetting?

Then there’s the Smilers. Immensely creepy at first, but... what’s the point? Things briefly get exciting when they suddenly get out of the booths, but they don’t actually do anything other than shamble very slowly toward the protagonists. What threat do they actually pose? What's their purpose in this society other than to admonish small children? Same goes for the guys in the hooded cloaks. The reveal that they’re in fact half Smiler, half human was nicely executed, but again... what’s the point?

But my biggest question mark is on Liz 10, aka Queen Elizabeth X. I loved Sophie Okonedo in the role. She possesses a lot of natural authority and charisma, and I really like that in the future we have a black, Cockney monarch.

Liz 10: “I’m the bloody Queen mate. Basically i rule.”

Unfortunately Okonedo is let down by Moffat’s writing. What do we actually learn about Liz 10? She cares about her country? Okay. Not exactly a startling revelation, is it? The problem is, as I’ve said numerous times in the past, Moffat can’t seem to write women. It’s as if the only way he knows how to write a ‘strong independent woman’ is to make her a sassy, gun toting badass. Not that there’s anything wrong with women being sassy, gun toting badasses of course, but it does get a bit boring after the 25th time you’ve seen it, plus there’s more to being a sassy, gun toting badass than just being sassy, gun toting and... badassy? (Is that a word?) How about an actual backstory? Some light and shade. Offer us something that’s more emotionally complex and thus more captivating to watch. As much as I enjoyed Okonedo’s performance, her character is incredibly one dimensional.

And I haven’t even mentioned how she factors into the plot. It’s revealed that she’s actually over 300 years old and that her body clock has been slowed down so that she looks nearer 40. Why? What’s the point? Why keep her alive for so long? She’s investigating the possibility that the government is conspiring against her, but the only reason she knows is because the government itself keeps dropping little hints every 10 years. What for? And then she’s given the choice to either Forget or Abdicate, which brings me to the same question I had with the voting booths. Why give her a choice in the first place? You’ve already got the Star Whale chained up and flying your ship. It’s a bit late to start having second thoughts.

Ah yes. The Star Whale.

Now I’m not going to comment on the idea of an alien whale living in the vacuum of space because it’s Doctor Who. If I were to comment on all the scientific inaccuracies in this show, we’d be here all day. I will however comment on the wasted potential here. There’s a tricky little moral dilemma taking place in this episode. The last Star Whale has been chained up and tortured for hundreds of years. That’s horrible obviously, but it’s either that or letting everyone in the UK die. Whose life is more important? The last Star Whale in existence or millions of humans? It’s a good ethical conundrum. Pity they don’t bother to explore it. Nope. The Doctor just marches in and says the humans are more important. Wait, hold on a minute! Let’s not be too hasty! Obviously nobody wants to kill millions of humans, but it’s not like Starship UK houses the only humans left in existence. There are other starships out there somewhere. There’s only one Star Whale left, but there’s still billions of us. Is it really worth making a species extinct to save one spaceship? RTD kept running into similar problems during his tenure too. There’s the potential to have an interesting moral debate, but it’s abruptly cut short because the Doctor is the so called ultimate authority and what he says goes.

And then of course Moffat proceeds to let all the air out of the debate entirely when it’s revealed that the Star Whale wasn’t captured against its will at all. It volunteered to help because it couldn’t stand to watch children crying (from space. It can see children crying from space). So it turns out the humans were the bad guys all along and it was never that morally complex to begin with. Thank God. For a moment there, I thought things were going to get interesting. (On a side note, I’m surprised the Star Whale is still willing to keep flying Starship UK after all the torture it endured for centuries. if it was me I’d have fucked off. Also is everyone just going to ignore the fact that the government has been feeding people to it? Under Liz 10′s orders I might add. Don’t forget this was all her idea before she pressed the Forget button).

Which brings me to the final climax. While it’s nice to see Amy put the pieces together by herself and work out what to do, couldn’t we have done it in a way that doesn’t involve reducing the Doctor to a complete blithering idiot? How come he didn’t notice? It’s not as if the children crying reveal was some obscure thing. That guy said to his face that the Star Whale doesn’t eat children. How come the Doctor didn’t put two and two together. And don’t get me started on his bloody solution. Having decided the humans are more important just because, he then decides the best course of action is to fry the poor whale’s brains out and make it a vegetable so that it won’t feel the pain of its torture. Well first of all, people in vegetative states can actually feel pain, and second of all, this sounds like quite possibly the most unDoctorly solution I’ve ever heard. Moffat, what were you thinking?

And then things just went from bad to worse when Amy starts making painfully obvious comparisons between the Doctor and the Star Whale. They’re both old and the last of their species. All that pain and misery and loneliness and it just made them kind. Add Murray Gold’s overly whimsical soundtrack over the top and I was practically on my knees begging them to stop.

Somewhere buried in this compost heap of pointless satire and underdeveloped concepts lies the seed of a good idea. Unfortunately Moffat just doesn’t have the skill to nurture and develop it. Outside of Matt Smith, Karen Gillan and Sophie Okonedo’s performances, there’s not much to like about The Beast Below.

I vote to Forget.

#the beast below #steven moffat #doctor who #eleventh doctor #matt smith #amy pond #karen gillan #bbc #review #spoilers

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esotericbreak · 7 years

Text

So... in the Esoteric Break Universe, the story is divided into the main, current timeline and the narrator retelling the story in the future. The narrator belongs to an organization called the Revitalization Agency, or RA. Below is the first meeting transcript, with further installments coming later. But for now, enjoy, and meet some of the characters from the future side of Esoteric Break’s world.

RA Meeting Transcript 1/1/00

Meeting 001

Vicente: I bring the first meeting of the Revitalization Agency to order. To start, I would like to call roll.

Weiss: To start, I would like to make the motion for this not to be treated like we’re in elementary school.

Edel: Weiss, I would like to make the motion for you to shut your mouth.

Vicente: You are aware this is being recorded and translated into text format via computer, right? That does mean everything you say will not be edited in any way for professionalism.

Estore: I don’t believe that’s the biggest issue right now.

Vicente: But this is the very first meeting. In the future, when our descendants learn about history in school, what do you think they’ll say when they read or listen to this?

Estore: I think they’ll thank us for making history class interesting, but you’re assuming we’ll even be remembered as anything more than yet another desperate attempt to regain order. Don’t shoot the mutant before you have any bullets, Vicente.

Vicente: Speaking of which, that is a topic we do need to cover.

Estore: It’s just a saying.

Vicente: I meant the literal meaning. But I’ll get to that in a second. Bootes branch head: Jeret?

Jeret: Present, and I second Weiss’s motion. I feel like I’m back in school.

Vicente: Overruled. Canis Major branch head: Edel?

Edel: Present and accounted for.

Vicente: Canis Minor branch head: Weiss?

Weiss: Here.

Vicente: Auriga branch head: Estore?

Estore: Present, and perhaps you could simply ask everyone who’s not here to raise their hands. Or count heads, since there are only five of us including you.

Vicente: It’s a matter of principle. And finally, Aquila branch head: Vicente, is present. There, was that so difficult?

Weiss: Like pulling teeth.

Vicente: Why do I bother?

Estore: Let’s just get down to business and dispense with the rituals and formalities.

Vicente: Very well, we’ll avoid the old world meeting style and skip straight to business in future meetings. I just wanted this to be a little historic, given it’s our first meeting ever.

Jeret: You never had a tea party with stuffed animals you pretended were people? Or did you not want to tell me I replaced Mr. Flopkins as Bootes branch head?

Estore: Jeret.

Jeret: Sorry, Estore.

Estore: *coughs*

Jeret: And sorry, Vicente.

Vicente: Make all the jokes you want, but the RA has been aptly functioning for a while now, we’ve just been unable to do anything with ourselves. But now with branch heads, we may be able to extend our influence. Any suggestions?

Estore: It’s not my branch’s responsibility, but we need a reliable source of food.

Vicente: Still trying to find a leader for Orion, but we already have several acres of farmland already yielding crops. Jeret, for the time-being, your branch is also in charge of hunting, until we manage to get Orion completed.

Jeret: I have no objection. However, we should get one thing out of the way now so we don’t let it spiral in a big philosophical debate: are mutants a food source.

Vicente: I… are they edible?

Jeret: I’ve had to eat them before. They taste like overcooked, rotten pork, but they’re just like any other kind of meat.

Vicente: Well, we’re a little different than most people, Edel and Weiss should run tests to determine their effect on humans without Fountain.

Jeret: And suppose they do come back negative for any side effects, what then?

Vicente: I believe that needs to be determined by a majority vote.

Weiss: It’s not technically cannibalism, right?

Estore: Depends on your definition.

Edel: Maybe it’s best if we don’t dwell on that aspect too long.

Vicente: I disagree, I would prefer if we were certain we weren’t eating the equivalent of rabid humans.

Jeret: I wouldn’t call them “human” anymore. Have you seen those things? They’re about as close to a terrifying horror monster as we can get!

Estore: As close to? I would disagree, they are exactly that.

Vicente: The point remains, is it okay to eat them if we have to?

Edel: Well, I suppose my reservations are due to the possibility of a cure, if anyone believes that is possible?

Jeret: I don’t think anyone can come back from that. Physically or mentally.

Estore: I’m siding with Jeret on this one. Mutants are beyond hope for a cure. Given how they were created, I doubt we even could synthesize a way to morph their bodies back, and the mental trauma would be beyond any shrink’s qualifications. It’s likely even if by some miracle, in the distant future, we could turn them back into something more human-shaped, they wouldn’t still try and kill us in the most gruesome way possible. Which brings me to another point; since we’re going to have to either run from them or kill them anyway, not eating them or feeding them to something would be a waste if they don’t have any ill-effects on the consumer.

Weiss: I still don’t like eating anything that still has a human face.

Jeret: Creepiest human faces ever, but point made.

Estore: I don’t like the idea of eating them, in fact, I rather abhor it, but if we have to as a last resort, it’s preferable to a slow death from starvation. Besides, they’re eight foot tall, rage monsters with spider limbs who can plow through a wall if they’re hunting someone. I think any hope for negotiations went out the window a long time ago.

Vicente: Sarcasm was not needed, however you have a point there.

Estore: Obviously, no one is comfortable with using them to make meat patties, but we can’t be picky eaters, so let’s come to a reasonable solution. If there’s ever a famine, or something else happens, and we have no other option for food, we’ll eat them instead of waiting for someone to go Donner Party on everyone else. However, if we have other alternatives, as long as they are safe to eat and won’t kill you, those are consumed first, even if they’re absolutely disgusting. Sound fair?

Jeret: I second that.

Weiss: Shocker.

Jeret: What?

Weiss: Nothing, I’m cool with that solution.

Edel: As long as mutants are safe to eat, this sounds reasonable.

Vicente: Very well, then it’s unanimous. If deemed safe to eat by the Canis branches, mutants can be stored for food purposes, but only consumed as an absolute last resort. And if they are taking up room needed for other food, they will be gotten rid of. Also, if they’re growing anything which could spread to other food-

Jeret: Dear God, we’ll be here all day.

Vicente: Alright, I’ll write up the entire rule later and you can make corrections at a later meeting. We have other things to get to anyway.

Estore: So we’re calling them “rules,” huh?

Vicente: There are aspects of the old world I am interested in preserving. Others, however, should be left in the past. For instance, the term “law” has connotations that could cause many people to ignore everything we say, as they see laws in conjunction with the governments which ultimately failed to protect them from anarchy. To most people, the world is seen as lawless, which I can’t disagree with, but that idea is hard to shake in many people’s minds. So… rules.

Jeret: I can get behind that. Rules are usually more flexible, too. And we all know in the world we live in, nothing is concrete.

Edel: Estore? Are you okay?

Estore: Fine, just thinking. So Auriga will be in charge of enforcing these rules, correct?

Vicente: Among other things, yes. So far we only have the basics: don’t kill, don’t steal, etc. but we need to flesh out a few more.

Estore: I think that can wait until we have more control, let’s make that less of a priority. In the meantime, I’ll use my judgment. If someone is doing something wrong, I’ll arrest them for it.

Vicente: No offense, but I don’t think that’s wise. You would be put in a very high position of power then.

Estore: It’s only temporary, and I won’t abuse my power. It’s just the most effective mode of getting things done.

Vicente: Once again, forgive me, but I virtually just met you. I have no guarantees of your character.

Estore: Perhaps not yet, but I would never use my position tyrannically.

Jeret: I support Estore in this. I’ll vouch that he would never abuse power.

Estore: Thank you, Jeret. Vicente, listen. In most cases, I agree with you: this would be a very bad idea. Giving one person the ability to arrest people without following any laws is begging for trouble. However, in this one instance, I see it as acceptable, as I know the person gaining this power won’t use it for his own personal gain or to oppress others. You have my word, and as long as you don’t betray me, I won’t betray you.

Vicente: We’re in an alliance of mutual destruction?

Estore: As you’ve pointed out, we’ve only recently met, and you haven’t quite earned my trust beyond that. I’ve placed a reasonable amount of blind faith in you, you’ve placed a little in me, I’m asking you to take the next step in the cycle.

Vicente: Very well. You have my permission to enforce justice according to your own code of ethics until the rules have been properly lined out.

Estore: Thank you. However, where sentencing is concerned, I think we should all vote on an acceptable punishments for the accused, should we have any.

Vicente: I hadn’t quite thought of that. I had simply assumed we should banish them, but I suppose not all crimes can be dealt with in that way, especially if it’s a minor crime.

Estore: Or a major crime.

Vicente: Pardon?

Estore: There are enough homicidal maniacs out there in addition to the mutants. If someone, say, eats ten people, since we were on the topic of cannibalism, when there was plenty of alternative food available, I would rather not let them loose to feast on everyone else.

Vicente: You’re not suggesting capital punishment?

Estore: Only in extreme cases, but that wasn’t what I was referring to. If a criminal is honestly insane and has done something seriously illegal and immoral, we can have Edel psychoanalyze them and use them as test subjects. If we want to survive, we’re going to have to improve mental health treatments.

Vicente: I’m not sure I like experimenting on the people we’re supposed to protect.

Estore: It’s only if they do something like what I mentioned. You haven’t seen a man in a mascot costume torture and murder your friends while going over the menu for a children’s restaurant. Violent crazies are a danger to themselves and others, while normal mentally unstable individuals are a danger to themselves. Using the former to help the latter makes sense, especially if the former are helped in the process.

Vicente: They may not be, though.

Estore: Vicente, listen up. There are mutants all over the place. There are hordes of zombies. There are murder cults. There are criminal gangs without any checks on them killing anyone they please. There are innocent people dying because they were unlucky, naive, unprepared, or unwilling to compromise their morals just enough to survive. I’m not advocating for us to become monsters, or to not do the right thing, but I am asking everyone here to be a realist. There are things we have to do that would not be acceptable by anyone’s standards in the old world, and these things may make us sick for having to do them. But I trust myself to do what I believe to be right no matter what, and I don’t trust another group of people who are probably out there trying to make their own new government to do the same thing. I want the RA to survive and protect as many people as possible, and that won’t happen if we don’t do what’s necessary, despite not wanting to do it.

Jeret: I’m with Estore.

Weiss: Do me a favor and just tell us when you aren’t. It’ll save us all a lot of time.

Jeret: Shut up.

Vicente: Very well, let’s put it to a vote. All in favor?

Edel: Aye.

Weiss: Reluctantly, aye.

Jeret: Aye!

Vicente: And motion passes. Wonderful.

Estore: I have some work to do. I’ve never actually done any of this before, so if you’ll excuse me, I need to read some police manuals and figure out what the heck I’m doing.

Edel: Yeah, I was about to say…

Weiss: I should probably review that book on physics…

Jeret: I’m the only person here who has actually worked in the field they’re now in charge of.

Vicente: How do you know I haven’t?

Jeret: I don’t think you were a CEO or in charge of any department in government. And you definitely weren’t any kind of world leader.

Estore: You were an accountant.

Vicente: How-?

Estore: I’m in charge of law enforcement now, thought it might be good practice to privately investigate your past for practice.

Weiss: Nice!

Jeret: Already on top of things. Looks like there are at least two people suited for their positions, hopefully everyone here is, too.

Vicente: For all our sakes, I hope you’re right. Meeting adjourned.

End of transcript.

So? Thoughts? Anyone want to read more? Anyone’s interest peaked? If so, like or reblog please!

#story #sci-fi #scifi #stories #estore #book #books #esoteric break #meeting #story extras #book extras #post apocalyptic #post apocalypse #long post #but as my reader count is approximately zero I don't know if anyone will mind #if anyone does mind though I am sorry

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