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dr3amofagame · 3 years

Note

Prompt: Dream is released from prison and one night when Sam's trying to sleep the full scope of what he did hits him.

oh this one was heartwrenching anon im in love

the idea that sam and dream were FRIENDS before pandora haunts me so much ,, dream TRUSTED him, at one point, and sam trusted him back ,, it’s really the cherry on top of the whole dang screwed up cake that is the prison :’)

anyway, as is becoming the norm on this blog, please note the warnings bc this gets heavy!

tw: abuse (physical/emotional), toxic relationships, effects of starvation (it’s brief but it’s there), violence, panic attacks, illness, blood, gore (?)

There is blood on the pickaxe.

Sam's hand brushes over the netherite; even in the dark room, the metal, lit by the soft lavender light of enchantments, is clearly stained reddish-brown, some flecks reaching the polished wooden handle. He must've forgotten to clean it after the last session with the prisoner- Dream, throwing it and the rest of his Warden set in a chest haphazardly before going to sleep.

His fingers brush against it; the edge is ragged from a lack of maintenance, the dried blood leaving the entire surface patchy and irregular. The bottom of the handle is well-worn, the wood easily molding to the palm of his hand, the weight familiar. He watches himself move it with a strange sort of disconnect, maneuvering the tool - weapon around with almost more ease than his own sword. He flips it around, fingers easily finding the nick in the top third of the handle, the groove where metal meets wood, eyes tracing his own handwriting, words written in neat, blocky script along the bottom edge of the netherite.

Warden's Will Breaker

The Warden. It's hard to remember that that person was even him, wearing netherite like a second skin, sword perpetually within reach, a monotone voice and metal mask to hide everything soft away; completely emotionless, until the pickaxe was in his hand and every feeling he'd kept bottled deep beneath came up, furious, suffocating, leaving nothing behind but a simmering rage that demanded release-

(Blood on his hands the sound of cracking bones tugging on the handle and meeting resistance screams echoing on obsidian please please Sam stop please stop please-)

He breathes in, out, the pickaxe (Will Breaker) still lying in his hands, still stained with blood. He blinks down at it; it feels wrong to hold it without the rest of the Warden's gear on his body, to carry this thing still saturated with memories of dark shadows and stifling heat and so much pain, to be staring at it without the weight of a mask on his face, of armor sitting against his shoulders, of a sword on his hip. It feels like it belongs to someone else entirely, completely out of place against his creeper print pajama pants (courtesy of Ponk) and knit slippers; it feels foreign, even with memories of it held in his hands flash through his head.

(you deserve this you are a monster you didn't stop when he asked you to I'll stop when you're sorry I'll stop when you're broken behave behave behave)

The prison was all boxes, hard edges; there was no room for kindness, no room for mercy. The prison meant that he was the Warden, that Dream was the Prisoner, that they would not, could not step out of the roles carved for them in the unforgiving obsidian. The walls were stark; every inch deliberate, methodical, necessary. The Warden held the monster and the Prisoner sought to escape his Labyrinth and thus went the game, everlasting, until one of them broke, until one of them failed, Will Breaker, really, only meant to speed up the process-

Only that didn't quite happen.

The Prisoner left, but didn't escape; the Warden was no longer needed, but did not fail. In the end, it was Sam that found Dream wheezing, feverish, in the back of his cell, Sam who carried the man across the bridge, feeling him lie limply in his arms, all skin and bones, Sam who brought him into the Community House as everyone clamored over his weak and dying body.

He'd been released from Pandora (for the foreseeable future, Puffy had said, voice trembling, until he's well enough to stand trial) and Sam, unable to stare at the still-unconscious man and remember his own hands covered in blood and bits of shattered bone, had left to hide away in his base. Until he's needed to be the Warden, again, he'd muttered to himself on the boat ride over, until that responsibility is once again his to bear.

It's harder to justify it all, here, where his floor is covered in carpet and dog hair, where there's a soft light behind him from the redstone lamp hooked up next to his bed, where everything from the Warden has been scrubbed away and left just Sam, limbs a bit gangly, hunched down over a chest that's just a bit too short for him to reach comfortably, feelings raw and painful like an exposed nerve. It's hard to say that the violence and cruelty were necessary, looking at the walls laid down by hands kinder than his own, the remnants of pie still stuck in his chests and blocks of bright pink wool (You Matter <3) decorating the few that he hasn't opened in a while, staring at the soft-edged memories of someone that had yet to know that pickaxes could be stained red by something other than redstone.

("You're leaving?" Dream, younger, hands knotting in the bottom hem of his hoodie.

"Just for a bit," readjusting his crown from where it stands, off-center, on his head; Dream laughing and reaching up to straighten it for him. "I just want to explore a little. Find somewhere open where I can really rig some stuff up, you know?"

"I can't believe the things you do with that crap, man," freckled cheeks rising in a brilliant smile. "It's insane."

"You're pretty insane yourself, Mr. Manhunt," Dream tosses his head back, wheezing, and Sam laughs with him. The sun rises over them, sky pale and pink and beautiful.

"Well, this is the Community House, Awesam," Dream pulls him in, arms wrapping around his neck, head bumping against his chin. "You're always welcome here."

He smiles, soft, murmuring an agreement that rumbles deep and low in his chest. "I know. Y'all take care of yourselves, ok?"

"Of course," Dream punches him, lightly, in the shoulder, trying and failing to hide the way his eyes shine. "We always do.")

The pickaxe falls from his hand, clattering to the ground. Distantly, Sam realizes he's crying.

Prime, what had he done?

#the queue <3 #tw abuse #tw toxic relationship #tw starvation #tw violence #tw panic attack #tw illness #tw blood #tw gore #all of these have been so angsty lmao #im loving it tho #warden!sam critical #again idk if this counts lmao #like he's not Just Evil but he's done some pretty screwed up crap #my writing :D #my asks !!

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spideyanakin · 4 years

Text

In My Life

Tom Holland x Reader

Part 2

Based on In My Life By The Beatles

Synopsis; Nikki doesn’t approve of you and Tom

A/n; I don’t see Nikki doing that at all but for the sake of this fan fiction 💀

Requested by; Anonymous // Hey! Please do a Tom Holland imagine where the reader meets Tom’s family for the first time. Everyone seems to be welcoming but at the end of the evening, when the reader and Tom are doing the dishes, Nikki pulls the reader to the side and blackmails the reader saying that she has to get Tom to break up with her. She does so out of fear and they break up. A few days later Tom finds out about what Nikki did and he immediately tries to get the reader back and it’s all fluffy and cute?

🧚🏻‍♀️Masterlist🧚🏻‍♀️

Saying that Tom had been busy with his script was an understatement. He had worked on it for so long now he was longing to finish it. But the amount of work that was added on set placed even more pressure on his shoulders.

So when Tom first met you he wasn't the friendliest. But little by little as he walked every day on the set of Uncharted, he slowly fell for you. He fell for your smile, your eyes, and just the daily brightness you would bring to set with you.

Berlin was certainly a place Tom would remember.

It was the city he'd met you. The city that made him fall for you. And the city where he felt all his stress come off his shoulders.

And months later he was back to London, and back with you.

He'd come to Berlin stressed out of his mind and came back relaxed holding your hand like it had been missing from his.

After five months of relationship, Tom was ready to introduce you to his parents. You'd had already met his brothers, all of them being as friendly and nice as the other. But his parents were a whole other story.

Tom was way too excited, and you had to admit you were a little stressed. No matter what Tom said meeting his parents was a huge step. One that you were a little scared to take.

You walked into the house both his parents and brothers being more then welcoming.

"Mom, dad this is Y/n" He introduced you like the most precious gem in the world. You smiled brightly as Nikki put on a fake smile.

You see she was fine with her son being an actor. She knew him and raised him. She knew he would never let his work get in the way of his personal life.

She clearly knew that if he had a role where he had to make out with another girl, he wouldn't let that get in the way if he had girlfriend. She knew his work and how professional he made sure everything was.

But with you it was different. She didn't know you and she especially didn't know if you would break her son's heart running off with another actors after a heated scene on set.

During dinner, she tried to make it look as everything was ok when inside she was boiling up.

"So... Y/n? What's your next big role?" She questioned as she took a bite of her food.

"Well it's pretty much a secret but I got cast as Satine in the new Obi-Wan series. As a Star Wars fan Im pretty excited." You smiled brightly as you answered her question. "Im really proud of that role." You nodded the smile never leaving.

"No way," Harry exclaimed as excited as you were. "Why didn't you tell us!?"

"I just got the call." You replied as you tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

"That's insane."

"Im sorry who's Satine?" Nikkie asked not following the Star Wars franchise at all.

"Duchess Satine. Obi Wan's love interest. But they can never truly be together because he's a Jedi and she's a Duchess." Sam explained and Nikki's blood boiled as she heard you were going to have to kiss another man. Potential competition for Tom.

"Oh. And who plays this Obi-Wan?" She asked raising an eyebrow.

"Well I know they're taking Ewan McGregor, but if they cast you as young Satine did they cast a young Obi-Wan?" Harry asked you.

"No, they're keeping Ewan just using some special effects to make him look a little younger. But I mean he weirdly hasn't aged at all." You chuckled. "I met him during my last few auditions and it was insane. You feel like he just finished shooting Revenge of The Sith." You chuckled.

"Oh my God are you going to meet Hayden?" Harry asked getting way too excited.

"That's a secret." You winked. "You'll just have to watch the show." You shrugged.

"Ewan as in, the actor who played your father in the impossible?" Nikki asked Tom.

"Yep! So glad she got the role, I mean I love Ewan he's so nice." Tom gave a bright smile.

"Well... Nice." Nikki added even more of a fake smile. She clearly knew Ewan's charms and wondered if you would possibly break Tom's heart and run away with him breaking Tom into a million pieces.

I mean actresses were always the same right? One runs off with the director, while the other with her love interest.

At least that's what Nikki always heard, and she wasn't going to have her son date an actress.

The rest of the dinner went well. You had the chance to have a Star Wars debate with Harry and Sam but you were far from knowing your fate when the dishes had to be made.

You smiled at Tom, confidence rising as you thought you'd made a good impression on the whole family, but when you were met with an angry Nikki on your way back from the bathroom, your new-found confidence fell.

"I don't want you to see my son anymore." She deadpanned.

"Excuse me?" You let out an awkward chuckle not quite understanding what she meant.

"I want you to break up with my son." She said again her tone getting even more serious.

"I- But- I don't want to. I actually really like him-" You said a little awkwardly.

"Well then break up with him. He deserves better than an actress who runs away with each other actor she gets the chance to kiss."

"Im sorry?" Your eyes widen at her comment.

"You heard me." She folded her arms. "You leave my son or I will make sure they take someone else to play Satine. All I have to do is make a few calls. If I recall I still have Ewan's phone number. I can ruin your career in one click." She replied in a tone that left you speechless. You were about to tear up when you picked up the last of your courage.

"This won't ruin my career." You replied finding all your cold blood.

"Yes but spreading a rumor would..."

You stayed speechless for a little while, the both of you unaware that Harry had watched the scene from the start with a dropped jaw.

"Alright." You looked down trying not to cry. "But just know that I love your son very much and you're making a big mistake for his happiness." and without another word, you left towards the kitchen trying to find a way to leave this place.

"You ok love?" Tom asked as he placed an arm around your waist. You gave him a quick nod and looked back to see Nikki shooting daggers at you behind Tom's back.

Your phone rang in your pocket as your best friend called.

"Do you mind, it's Bella?" You looked at it and it back to Tom.

"Not at all. Go." He smiled and kissed your forehead.

The call had nothing to do with what you were about to say you felt like you couldn't stay much longer after the comments Nikki had made.

"Im going to go." You gave Tom a tight smile. "She says there's a problem with her dog and she needs me." You sighed knowing very well Tom would buy it. She knew your best friend aka roommate's Doberman was hard on everyone and sometimes it would take two people to help wit hit. "It's kind of an emergency." You said.

"Alright, well let me drive you home." He said.

"Oh no please stay with your family." You smiled. "It's late and you're tired. I'll call an uber."

"Alright." It was the last thing Tom wanted to do but for some reason, he felt like you needed some space. He pushed it on the fact that you'd just met his parents.

"I'll see you." You smiled as you pressed a quick kiss to his lips and moved towards the door no one to stop you from leaving this place. Harry looked at you leave, a frown painting his face.

You started walking towards your house, which was about an hour's walk from here. You didn't know what to do from the shock of the conversation. Your mind felt blank. You took one step after the other until you arrived at a bridge.

You watched the water for a few minutes before digging into your pocket to grab your phone.

"Hey." Bella's voice cheered over the phone.

"Bella... Something happened... Tom's mom... doesn't want me to see him again."

"What?" You heard a gasp and then a blank silence from the other hand of the phone. You stared at the water for a few seconds.

"Can you come pick me up?"

Before you knew it you were eating a pot of ice cream in front of Lord of The Rings cuddling your friend's Doberman.

"You ok?"

She asked sitting next to you placing a cup of hot chocolate in front of you.

"You know what always bothered me?" You questioned as you placed another spoon full of ice cream in your mouth.

"What?"

"That Gandalf didn't understand the Mellon door thing." You pointed towards the tv where that scene was happening.

Your friend looked from the tv and back to you.

"Y/n..."

You stared at the tv for a while before starting to tear up.

"Of course im not ok. My boyfriend's mom wants me to break up with him." You sobbed and turned your attention back to your friend. "I thought I made a good impression but then she goes on and says that actors are cheaters." You cried onto her shoulders.

"Can't you just tell him?" She asked as she lowered the volume from your movie.

"I can't break up a family..." You sniffed.

A week later and you were dodging Tom's calls like the plague. Every message he would send you you'd respond with nothing more than a word or two saying you were busy.

Every fiber in your body wanted to stay with him, but you had to put your career first. You knew Nikki could do a lot of damage and you weren't going to let that happen.

So after a week, you thought it was time. Time to finally break it up. Break up the one relationship you were happy about in years.

"Tom?" Your heart pounded in your chest as you typed his name.

"Yes?" He replied way to quick for your liking. "Are you finally going to talk to me? 🧐"

"I think we need to break up." You replied every word feeling like weights on your fingers as you typed. Before you could even type anything your phone lit up with a call from him.

"Just please forget me." You felt the tears leave your eyes as you sent the message dodging his calls.

A flow a call and messages from him appeared on your phone but you felt too weak to reply. Instead, you simply dropped your phone on the counter and left to your room, ready for a movie marathon to take your mind off him.

"What the actual fuck." Tom groaned in frustration as he threw his phone on his couch. "What the hell did I do?" He groaned as placed his head in his hands.

Nikki watched the scene a small smirk painting her face.

"You ok honey?" She came near him rubbing circles behind his back.

"No." He sighed tears almost spilling. "Y/n broke up with me. She's been avoiding me for a week and now she said she wanted to end things." Tom spitted out.

"Oh, im so sorry... I'm sure you'll find another girl." She gave him a soft fake sad smile as she patted his shoulder.

"Oh please stop mom. Like you aren't glad she did what you asked her after you blackmailed her." Harry deadpanned before sipping his coffee sick of what this was doing to Tom.

"Excuse me?" The woman replied as she shot daggers with her eyes towards her son.

"What? You're going to deny it now mom? I saw you talking to her, the poor girl was frightened." Harry said again dropping small bombs into the living room.

Nikki didn't say anything and glared at Harry.

"What's that now?" Tom lifted his head from his hands, quickly wiping some tears that had slipped his eyes.

"Mom blackmailed your girlfriend into dumping you." He pointed to Nikki with his cup of coffee.

"What?" Tom's eyes went wide as he looked at his mother who's face twisted.

"What? It's not like you actually loved her? She's an actress Tom!" Nikki said in defense.

"And?" Tom stood up in anger.

"And actors are cheaters, you didn't really think you'd have a life with her?" She replied.

"Yes! Yes, mom! I love her. And plus IM AN ACTOR! What does that even mean actors are cheaters? In that case, are you saying that I'm a cheater too?" Tom almost raises his voice not taking any more of this conversation.

"Tom, your different... I raised you well..."

"I'm out of here," Tom said before grabbing his phone and leaving his house in a hurry.

"Where are you going?"

"To find the girl I love." And with that, he slammed the door rushing for your house.

"You!" Nikki pointed to Harry who looked at her with a sheepish grin.

"It's his life mom." He raised his hands in defense as he walked away.

Tom arrived at your house in a furry. He murmured curse words on the way there, wishing he could take all his mother's words back and mend things.

He didn't wait for a green light to walk into your apartment building, knocking on your familiar door. Tom heard the Doberman's barks and footsteps quickly following.

He was met with your puffy red-eyed face. You froze as the door frame your eyes lit up in shock as you met his.

"Look Tom..." you said as you played with his ends of your hoodie.

But instead of replying Tom smashed his lips with yours never wanting to let you go. Your eyes lit up in shock but you couldn't help melt into the kiss.

"I know... I know about everything." He slightly pushing away but still holding you in his arms. "Im sorry for what she said, but know that I don't believe a single word."

You stared into his eyes before letting your tears fall, the pressure being released from your shoulders.

"I love you, Tom."

- Tag List -

@averyfosterthoughts @justifymyfeelings @slytherinambitious

#tom holland x reader #tom holland x reader #tom holland #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x reader fluff #The Avengers #peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #tom holland imagine #spider man imagine #spiderman x reader #spiderman #spider man #spider man x you #spider man x y/n

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morizoras-cave · 4 years

Text

Action (Request)

James McAvoy x teen!co-star!reader

Genre: slight angst, fluff

Request Description: okay cool! i've got a request, then: a teen!co-star!reader x james mcavoy where she gets an injury and tries to play it off as if she's fine and james notices and makes sure she gets proper medical attention and comforts her but scolds her about keeping it a secret if that makes sense. thank you!

Warnings: reader gets physically hurt, language, slight insecurity (ish)

(A/N): okay so, i didnt make a fic yesterday and i feel slightly bad, but its cool hahaha. im going home from vacation tomorrow, so ill have a little bit more time

“You don’t know anything!” you trembled, full of emotion. You braced yourself. You were currently filming the scene that you had rehearsed for weeks. Your character was going to be chased down by James’ character, in an attempt to fix their broken familial relationship. It was intense and difficult to shoot.

“Then tell me!” James was just as full of emotion, frustration and desperation painted on his face . He was bracing himself too, you could tell. You shook your head, just as scripted, and when James stepped towards you, you flinched back. “Tell me.”

That was your cue. You grabbed the windowsill of the open window, smoothly swinging out and landing several meters down. James looked out at you from it, and there was a moment where you stared at each other, before you dashed away, and he scrambled to get down the stairs.

You were already running down the street, panting. Why did your director have to be so realistic? It would pay off. You hoped.

The door to the house swung open violently and you saw James’ form exit, already sprinting towards you. Dozens of cameras were catching the entire scene.

James was much taller than you, legs and stamina allowing him to catch up quickly.

“Shit,” you mumbled, looking around desperately. You quickly found the junkyard you were supposed to enter, constructed solely for the movie. You jumped over a white fence, entering the property of another person, to shortcut to the yard. James was right behind you.

You continued into the junkyard, where you did several more stunts, jumping up and over things, squeezing in between narrow rows of trash. It was going very well, right up until the point where you had to jump from one heap of trash to another.

You hesitated, both because it was scripted, but also because it was a terrifyingly large jump. I mean, you’d practiced it a ton, so you’d be able to do it, right?

You looked back and saw James there. He gave you a warning look, and you angled your head in response. Then you turned away and ran, jumping over the massive gap.

You knew right away you wouldn’t make it. The trash gave away under you, sabotaging your jump. Flying through the air, you tried desperately to grasp the edge, so you wouldn’t fall. You almost did it, grabbing an old boot from the pile, when the boot lodged itself out of its position, breaking off your only hold on the pile.

You fell to the ground with a terrifying scream. The dust rose as you hit the earthy floor.

The crew immediately stopped and several people came to your aid. James ran up to you, face strewn into concern and horror. He grabbed your shoulder and looked you in the eyes.

“Y/n! Are you okay? That was quite a fall,” he said. You shook your head dismissively.

God, that was so embarrassing. You had practiced it for weeks, and still managed to fail and waste all of these peoples time!

“I’m good, it didn’t hurt that much,” you lied. Oh boy, it hurt. Your shoulder and arms hurt and most terrifyingly, your head hurt. But you had already wasted the crew’s time, you couldn’t postpone this by being whiney.

“You sure?” James asked, seemingly not convinced. You gave him a smile, hoping it didn’t look too strained, as it fought through the needle-like, pulsing pain all over your body.

The director asked if you could do it again and you agreed. You did the stunt right on the second take, and although it hurt like a bitch trying to do all of it after your fall, it was worth it.

After the scene was short several times (to your anguish), the day was wrapped up and every started getting out of their costumes and getting ready to go home.

You and James had gotten into the habit of walking back to the hotel together, and chatting along the way, so you grabbed your things and met him by the entrance.

“Man, that was a hard scene, don’t you think?” James asked and you just hummed, arm wrapped around your stomach in order to cease the pain. “That was quite a fall you took there.”

“Yeah..” you mumbled, stopping when something wet touched your face. Your brows furrowed and you touched your upper lip. Search your fingers you saw blood, and realized you were having a nose bleed. “Uh-”

“Alright, that’s it,” James said, turning your attention back to him. He looked fed up and, an emotion that was unfamiliar on his features, scared. “I’m driving you to the hospital.”

“What? No- no!”

“Yes!” he said and without another word, he picked you up, making you groan in embarrassment.

“James, this is so unnecessary, it’s just a little nosebleed!” you complained, thrashing in his arms, but quickly stopping once you felt how much that hurt. Instead, you tried to stay as still as possible in a comfortable position.

“It’s not, Y/n. You’ve been squirmin’ in pain all day, I can tell,” he said. You knew he’d figured you out, and while you still didn’t think it was worth a hospital visit, you knew you couldn’t argue with James.

“All right, all right! I’ll go to the hospital, but only if you put me down!” You reasoned. James stopped, considering it for a moment, before lowering you to where you could stand for yourself. Again, the movement hurt you terribly, but you put on a brave face.

James hitched you and him a taxi, and headed to the hospital as fast as possible in the constant traffic. You sat uncomfortably, holding your stomach and biting your lip to prevent yourself from groaning.

“Fuck,” you whispered and gritted your teeth. James looked at you broodingly.

“You shouldn’t hide stuff like that,” he said. You looked up and met his eyes. A sighed escaped your lips. “I’m very disappointed in you for hiding it. You’re obviously in pain, N/n.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to waste everyone’s time.”

“Right, well, next time just waste their fuckin’ time! You realize you could be seriously hurt, right?” James’ voice only portrayed anger, but you could see on his face, clearly, concern and worry. The cars honked distantly outside the car. You said nothing.

“I fucking mean it, Y/n. You can’t do this shit. Tell me that next time you’ll just say if you’re hurt,” James grabbed your hand and looked at you seriously, “Tell me.”

A strange deja vu occurred, as your life somewhat resembled the movie. Then you looked at him and nodded, “All right. I promise.”

James didn’t let go of your hand on the way to the hospital, squeezing it whenever you trembled in pain. When you did get in, he made an embarrassingly big deal out of it, demanding that you get checked out immediately.

Relatively quickly (probably out of fear for the insane Scottish man you’d arrived with) you were looked at, and it turns out the fall had been quite serious, You’d fractured your arm and dislocated your shoulder. The doctor said you were lucky you hadn’t gotten any trauma to the head.

When James was finally allowed in your room, you knew he’d gotten the news, because he had the biggest ‘I told you so’ look on his face. He gave you yet another lecture, but mostly he just hugged you and confessed how worried you’d made him. You apologized profusely, of course, because it was an absolute crime to worry such a sweet person.

The incident had definitely made James more paranoid for the rest of the shooting, asking you each time you’d done a stunt if you were okay. You found it sweet though, and nice that he cared for you. Which he did, because you were like a sister to him, and it was over his dead body he would let you hide your pain from him.

___________________________

Tag List:

@hera-the-writer @marvel-madness @40srogcrs @whatthefuckimbisexual @ireadfanficforfun @snarky--starky @garbage-potato @eviemarvel

#james mcavoy #james mcavoy x reader #xmen #xmen x reader #xmen cast x reader #charles xavier #charles xavier x reader #marvel #marvel x reader #marvel cast x reader

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mpregeru · 3 years

Note

do you don't like any actual plays? or at least their dms?

im gonna assume you want "do you like any actual plays?" and the answer is of course dude its a bomb ass genre of podcast or whatever the fuck critrole is.

But i'm also a human being with opinions, and lungs, and a fat ass. @bransonreese is the best and most tolerable dm of the best and most tolerable actual play podcast (which is Rude Tales of Magic which, like, listen to immediately) i've ever listened to. griffin mcelroy is also pretty good, and i adored balance and amnesty to bits and pieces. And by god I ADORED bahumia, for about 90% of the journey. but it was a long journey, and i grew up a bit, and i realized that i want to send caldwell tanner to my old highschool where he'll be a theatre kid who is oppressed just enough to not be widely accepted as "kinda annoying?" otherwise good campaign

and believe me anon, my love for the genre has lead to me tasting so many podcasts. none of them stuck as firmly as Rude Tales, Balance + Amnesty, and Dames and Dragons (insanely underrated, go watch it now).

(dungeons and daddies is somewhere between "one of the greatest things ever produced" and "please make fewer sex jokes you are parents")

(join the party is also between "good" and "bad" solely because its story had no lasting impression on me and i cant remember shit aside from 'funney robot'.)

(bomBARDed is also here. incredibly well put together, but... too much so, i think. it feels inorganic or forced at times. the story knows exactly what its doing and thats the issue. its less a dnd campaign and more a scripted roleplay.)

(dimension 20 is here because its beautiful, well executed, funny as hell, but sadly it has brennan lee mulligan in it so i cant listen to more than a second.)

I've tried Dungeons and Diners and Dragons (obnoxious), Friends at the Table (too complicated), Dumbgeons and Dragons, Nerd Poker, CritRole (insanely, balefully long. so long it seems stupid to even try. also? no editing so it feels unpolished. yes i know the point is that its a livestream. doesnt make it good.), Tabletop Champions (liked the first campaign, the second suffers from Travis McElroy effect (as much as i adored lauren as a player)), The Stubborn Heroes (unfortunate altercation with the dm that soiled the pod. also no women? im queer gimme women.), Hero Squad, You Meet In A Tavern, Hit Dice, Queer Dungeoneers... like, a lot, anon.

I wanna find that bright, beautiful spark that I felt with Rude Tales or Dames or Balance, but I'm old and cranky and too queer for so many campaigns of just uninteresting white dudes who love to jack off tolkien. And even then... (motions vaguely)

anyway my ideal real play podcast would be griffin mcelroy dm, emily axford and the dames cast. branson reese plays the villain who's entire deal is having reality altering powers so reese can fuck over all of the shit griffin sets in stone. griffin says theres a village named Frog's Tooth? sorry reese says its Pyssierie now. also theres found family and a skeleton somewhere.

thanks for coming to my ted talk

#anon #dnd #real play podcast #im not tagging every fucking podcast i mentioned #so im just gonna tag the big ones #the adventure zone #critical role #naddpod #emily axford #specifically her of all people #best player #rude tales of magic

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dented-nado · 3 years

Note

So so- James gets sick (you decided how sick he is loll) and Walter/Stolas/both take care of him

Im sorry sickfics are just so wholesome

Takes place before William, Grelle and Ronald were reapers (or even alive at) – For the reaper realm is sort of more in a colonial era vibe, but in the human world it’s currently 1568.

James is a character that’s had one appearance in my Black Butler Fan-Comic Will to Live – Stolas is an upcoming character – and Walter is a fan character that’s formed on our discord server lol.

Hope you like this!!! I kind of hinted at Walter’s existence and helping, but I ended up writing more about Stolas trying to get James just to go heckinnn rest lol. Hope that’s okay!

=====

Anyone who worked anywhere within the reaper realm in England would tell you their general manager was being particularly nasty. There was a rumor going around that his eyes were turning red with rage, Red.

Stolas, being the current head manager of the London Reaper district of course ended up hearing about the rumor. One of those little things that would come up during coffee breaks. Sometimes rumors spread quickly, many of them ended up not being true or over exaggerated… all of them had been there are REALLY long time after all, and sometimes rumors were the only thing that made their grueling jobs a little bit interesting.

This one… however, made Stolas sigh, he knew James too well, if those under him are especially scared of him at the moment, something was up.

Many of his coworkers thought Stolas was insane for remaining cheery with James, or they feared him too by proxy. Stolas wasn’t stupid, he knew why everyone was scared of James – James did it on purpose for Christ’s sake. However, since he had come on some 200 years ago and had many an interaction with the guy, finding himself unphased by his scare tactics... (he had seen men much more monstrous than James after all), he couldn’t help but feel some sort of…. Sympathy? No, that might not be the word? Maybe sometimes he just got a glimmer of the kind of man James could be and wanted to reach out and pull that glittering little gem out. He just hoped he wasn’t seeing something that wasn’t there.

He gazed at the large grandfather clock ticking away in the corner of his office, such a device was new to him, but he had picked it up a little quicker than James had who had kept time by candle for much longer than most of them.

He had 10 more minutes before his break would be over…

Stolas closed his large book he had snuck in to read on his breaks, it was one on the Tudors he had gotten quite lost in. Normally more ancient societies piqued his interest, but it was harder to get good accounts… he half wished he could just explore those ancient cities and discover their secrets himself. But… alas… here he was, not that he could have gone far in his human life either.

He downed the last bit of his tea before sitting up, making sure his ink well was covered and his quill was secure for when he inevitably came back to work.

He walked out of the London office and down the hall, tapping on James’s office door cheerfully, barely waiting for a grunt before coming in.

“What do you want?” James accused, looking up from his paperwork.

Now he did look quite the sight, more tired and grouchy than usual – and judging from the redness of his nose, it was irritated.

“Well now, I had heard you were especially difficult to deal with, and now I know why!” Stolas said, pushing his glasses up his nose and grinning.

James sighed, leaning back and rubbing his left eye slightly, they looked a bit bloodshot.

“Maybe if everyone did their job correctly…”

“Yes, then you wouldn’t be so cross all the time, blah blah blah, I’ve heard the script.” He took a few steps forward, leaning on James’s desk, something only he seemed to get away with. “You’re sick.”

“You’re pissing me off.” James snipped back, baring his teeth.

Stolas shook his head. This man was like trying to be friendly to a wolf on a good day, a rabid one on a bad day.

“Why don’t you just take the day off James? If your sick its not as if you can help it.” Stolas offered.

“I can get up, I can walk, I haven’t sprouted any pustules, not that reapers could get such a horrible thing thank god…” He paused, rubbing his hands together as if having the urge to wash them. “Unless I keel over, I’m still coming into work. Any reaper disease can’t be serious, it won’t kill me.”

“You’re a stubborn man James.” Stolas said, deciding to state the obvious. “What does Walter think?” He asked, furrowing his brows.

Walter was supposedly a ghost from James’s old life that followed him around. Stolas wasn’t entirely convinced he existed, or if he was a ghost in the sense of something James had been through that haunted him, or perhaps was his way of coping with the state of things. He cared for James enough that he didn’t want to try and tell James what he was or wasn’t experiencing… he couldn’t see through his eyes after all. If Walter was real… well… maybe it was good that James still had someone around to keep him grounded. If he wasn’t… what could he really do about that?

“Walter can mind his own business too.” He growled stubbornly, seemingly reading the same sentence on his paperwork a third time over, getting more frustrated.

Stolas narrowed his eyes, he slammed his hands down on the desk briefly, startling James a bit as he suddenly crossed over to his side of the desk, leaning down from his decent height and pointing his finger only inches away from James’s face.

“Either you let me take you home willingly, or I pick you up and carry you kicking and screaming.” He said very seriously.

James’s eyes widened before turning into a glare, leaning up and meeting his gaze with his own threatening one. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Stolas grinned.

James didn’t have time to run. He growled as Stolas tackled him and lifted him up out of his seat, having no problem lifting the bearded man up onto his shoulder.

“STOLAS SANTORI YOU PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!” He barked.

Stolas chuckled, he could tell all of James’s teeth were razor sharp just from the tone of his voice.

“You stay out of this!” James then barked, seemingly pointing at thin air in irritation, and Stolas was almost sure the air got colder.

Stolas walked towards the door, ignoring James struggling. “Last chance, I can put you down and you can go with me and retain some dignity…”

James stiffened and stopped flailing before sighing and going limp. “Fine, FINE! Just put me down or I swear I’ll have you- GAH!!”

Stolas followed his order and let James fall off his shoulder, only barely catching his balance.

James breathed heavily before coughing a bit, trying to straighten his hair and jacket. “If… If I’m penalized for being gone today…”

“I’ll take full responsibility. You can say you were kidnapped.” Stolas responded, walking out into the hallway with James in tow.

“…If I were to say you kidnapped me and disrupted my work… you could be put on trial.”

Stolas simply slipped his glasses off, cleaning them as they walked. He knew the halls well enough by now he probably could have found his way around without being able to see at all.

“If it happens… it happens.”

“How can you be so calm about such a thing?” James snapped before sneezing, grumbling, and pulling a handkerchief out of his coat pocket to blow his nose into.

“If that’s my fate, who am I to argue with it. I prefer to do what I think is right James, not what is easy or safe. And right now… seeing you rested is what I believe is right.” He said, looking down at James sincerely as they walked out of the building.

James hung his head for a moment, grinding his teeth slightly before walking again to head to his assigned home, Stolas not far behind.

“You’re a fool.” He said simply, and quietly.

Stolas just laughed. “Maybe. Most people seem to think so for getting within 2 feet of you.” He said softly, nudging James with his arm.

James felt miserable, he was annoyed, and on some level, he was scared.

But despite all that… he smiled.

#Look who is trying to write on this blog lol!#I know a lot of ya'll followed me for DC content? I still might do some stuff for it but...#my interests have changed D: I understand if anyone wants to unfollow! otherwise stick around <3!#will to live fc #W2L #james knapp #i hope tumblr doesn't accidently tag that helluv fandom bc of the character sharing the same name being mentioned here #if it is #hi #sorry lol #request fill

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jzixuans · 4 years

Text

hi hi so i know it was a few days ago that you asked for stuff to cheer you up but i figure hey there’s never a bad time for brotherly/platonic prinxiety, right? right.

ANYWAY

this is once again inspired by my friend and i (because im love her) so without further ado, i give you: virgil and roman and their summer passion project –✨ (warnings for murder and cult mentions (both done in good fun because virgil is just Like That sometimes), a bit of swearing, and the fact that i didn’t proofread this At All and played fast and loose with tenses because time is fake)

- roman is the one who comes up with the idea. of course he is, he’s the creative one! he has only the best of ideas, and virgil agrees. - this time, his idea is for them to write and direct a short film - (fun fact: it came about solely because roman wanted to try his hand at directing. he’s been in the spotlight so often that he wanted to see what it was like behind the scenes.) - at first, virgil is curious as to why roman wanted him to be a part of this project. roman can write and direct, and virgil certainly isn’t going to act, nor does he know any other actors - as it turns out though, roman wanted them both to be directors! - roman would take care of the more performance-based aspects while virgil would deal with technical ones. - (virgil has tried his hand at set/costume/make up design when he’d taken up technical theatre as an elective the previous year, and roman had been in awe of his work. they’re best friends, yes, but that’s certainly not the only reason roman wanted virgil’s help :D) - roman had approached virgil with this idea around mid-march of their junior year, figuring that they could write the script before summer rolled around, begin filming then, and finish up whenever they had time their senior year - he wanted it to be a sort of last hurrah for them, a wonderfully dramatic way to go out with a bang - virgil was not one for dramatics, but he had to admit that the allure of the potential cinematography he would be able to work with was hard to ignore - (he and roman are best friends, yes, and he would have agreed to helping him anyway, but by no means was he upset about it. ignore any grumbling he may have done, he doesn’t mean it. he’s just Like That, and roman both knows and appreciates this fact.) - ANYWAY - that’s enough snappiness for now i got very sidetracked there - when it comes to ideas about the plot for their little short film, the two were Stumped at first. - “what is there to write about that hasn’t already been done to death?” roman had asked - “why are you looking at me?” virgil had replied. “i’m in a constant state of no thoughts, head empty.” - (roman wasn’t going to argue with that. he was far too busy laughing.) - then, a few hours into their brainstorming session (which, naturally, had been taken over by a fair bit of bitching about classmates, teachers, and homework with a healthy dose of existential crises thrown in for good measure), roman made the brilliant mistake of asking, “what’s the most ludicrous thing we could make a short film about?” - “murder,” virgil replied almost immediately - (this was not the most ludicrous thing they could make a short film about, but as virgil had stated previously, he was very no thoughts, head empty. murder was one of the few things that managed to fill the void that was his brain.) - (roman knew that too, of course, but he replied “let’s do it” anyway) - and so their short film was going to be about murder - (this would become a rather common occurrence too—virgil coming up with the most batshit insane ideas that blinked out at him from the depths of his void-brain and roman bending over backwards to find a way to include them in the story.) - (a notable example was virgil’s request for him to incorporate cults and the fountain of youth. roman had surprisingly little trouble with that one, actually. cults can be very, very strange things.) - this is getting Far Too Long By Far, and while i do have a few more ideas, i’m going to. stop here for now and wrap this up fhdkskdk (but let me know if you want more of Them sometime 👀) - so. roman may be a Bit adhd (because i Said So) and ended up procrastinating before hyperfocusing and writing a vast majority of the script in the final week or two of school, but it was done by the time summer finally rolled around. - they’d found actors (aka roman’s ✨Extra✨ theatre friends) during the school year and virgil had done a lot of design work before roman had finished the script, so their summer was entirely spent on completely ignoring their responsibilities and filming a murder cult short film :D

blink: i’m sorry i took so long to read this i wanted to have enough Spoons to savour this and it didn’t disappoint!!

i love the idea of roman and virgil working on a film together i think that’s a real neat way to combine their interests

#platonic prinxiety #submission #this was so cute!! thank you for this!!!!!

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6ad6ro · 5 years

Text

im watching the projared explanation vid rn n i'm gonna keep adding to this as i watch. think of this as like real-time commentary? even tho it’s not real-time at all like i’m just pausing the video to make lil comments. here’s vid btw. but geez it'd be weird if all he did was cheat (like it's icky i’m def against cheating... but how would that matter to you if it doesn't involve u personally?).

TLDR (this was written after the fact): i’m rly leaning towards believing him about not doing the underage stuff. and i wished i had listened to my initial gut on that. i could care less about exchanging nudes with fans if they were 18+. i also could care less about any relationship drama. anyways i watched all of it and wrote a LOT. it’s kinda interesting (not rly) to see my opinion change over the course of the writing? i was really tearing into jared at first ahaha. but i’m putting it under a readmore. it’s not written well at all so read if you dare...

just started watching. first of all i will say it feels very scripted (is he lying/acting/performing? or is it just well thought out??) idk and LOL at him purposely looking unshaven and like a mess... like THAT was at least on purpose and makes me immediately not rly trust him? but idk i can't actually judge him based on this rly... then again what a sappy fucking thumbnail.

aw geez IT'S LIKE HE'S DOIN A REG COMEDY VIDEO like stop acting dude? i know he's... well he’s weird and seems like a very “scripted” person if that makes sense? but... it's just a rly weird move to try and make a "here's the real story/apology" video this way. not how i’d do it at all (and i’ve been there to a much lesser degree so)...

oh and i know he's SUPER mad at the two (at the time) underage ppl? and justifiably so if they lied. but idk his claim that the only reason for them to remove their accusation posts was "bc they held no water and they knew the timing was right to safely do the most damage"? uh dude you're one of the more well known youtubers like IMAGINE all the ppl that were harassing these guys? well at least they were both lgbtq etc and the gaming community has a traditionally open mind about that (sarcasm).

btw i kinda hate the term "the tea" too? soo much. but just bc it's another appropriated term white kids overuse... but even still i probably wouldn't have opened up a vid like this... well i'll just say it... was he straight up pointing the finger at gay ppl etc for harassing him n bein shallow n only enjoying the drama etc? like idKKK it just felt like he was calling out sassy gay ppl ONLY like why did he even say that??

yeah bc straight white gamer dudes NEVER gossip about drama. they NEVER act shallow. dude ur fanbase is like... some of the most shallow, gossipy ppl out there. i can't TELL you how many AWFUL videos i watched of your fans n other youtbers talking about you. and how... INSANE? it was? that they only rly called you out for "cheating on your cute wife" bc the accusations of underage shit n manipulation yeah nbd! but god forbid you cheat on your "attractive cosplay wife".

srry i'm rly tearing him apart here... i'm not meaning to. almost every gaming personality has shit fans. even i? me. a nobody. have to double check new followers to see if they're nazis etc? it's so common... anyways i'm not actually damning him in any way yet even if i'm bringing up so many lil issues i have w this vid lol srry?

btw i used to follow his tumblr. there was WEIRD shit going on, esp right before it shut down. like the "i got hacked" thing seems really convinient? IDK srry it's just my gut but he reminds me of sociopaths etc i used to be friends with. how he explains things and talks... like they all sound a lil like dennis from always sunny? idk my gut is tellin me he's full of shit i'm sorry. gonna keep watching. wait he really WAS hacked? i mean i guess i believed he was hacked at first bc the guy posting awful shit and claiming to be a pro-hacker was... well he was too crazy to be made up. a real fucking maniac loser.

as time is going on, unless all of this stuff is fabricated? he seems ro have found a crazy amount of proof that he didn't do the underage stuff. like... maybe the weird vibes he gave off is this stuff drove him insane? like... i’ve been friends with/dated quite a few fucked up, gaslighting assholes? trying to figure out what the fuck is going on can drive you a little nuts. he's kinda winning me over here a lil... again if the underage/manipulation stuff is untrue? i could care less about the other stuff. and i LOVE ross? but srry... who cares about that other stuff...

to explain what changed my mind: most ppl that he reminds me of are sociopaths etc. or rather, people that really fucked my life up. so i have a lotta baggage regarding them? and they're bigger in my mind than the other types. i won't lie the way he explains things and argues points REALLY bugs me? but i know ppl like that who are good people. or at least not psychopaths. immature, basic idiots at the worst (not that im callin HIM an idiot). anyways that alone doesn't make him guilty. watchin more now.

i was about to bring up that its actually really... cool? that he's focusing on the underage shit rather than the cheating/drama? bc thats all that needs to be explained rly? but LOL he just got to the "game grumps" part n in losing it. am i rly about to drown in this drama? fuck dude lol noooooo....

okay finished it. fuck man idk i feel stupid. right at the start i even was like "noooo he couldn't have!" but the underage stuff is like... like that shit makes my brain boil n stop working n go into “ill kill him” mode. and jared was so silent and so i figured he was doing damage control (ignoring it until it went away) rather than research to show people this was all fake/getting legal advice?

i kinda think he didn't do any of the real icky shit. i still get a vibe he might be a weirdo. and i don't think heidi necessarily made ALL of that stuff up? and i could care less that he was getting sexually involved w his fans like even I have been flirted with due to running a game gif blog (god knows why). and like FUCK it's so normalized for ppl in bands to sleep w fans? so why on EARTH would people think youtube gamerz are “too good for that”? anyways...

my point is, i think i mighta been wrong about him n the underage stuff. idk what to believe about the other stuff? the only thing i know for sure is that ross o'donovan is a very sweet n nice guy. and i'm so glad the drama between him and jared was imagined. it was prob just shitty to have fans ask him about it over and over...

okay lol if you just read all of this please go do something more fun and interesting now lol! i'm gonna put this all under a readmore and put a tldr on it! and... go to bed bc fuck its 2am OOPS!

#DONT reply or message me if you wanna fight about this #projared

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wordtotherose · 5 years

Note

What about a fic where Crowley is actually evil? He doesn't care about his side's plans, although he does find them fun. But the one person he does actually care about, could never hurt, and would defy everyone for is Aziraphale? Of course, once Aziraphale realizes just how bad Crowley is, he's horrified. Maybe he even decides to cut contact with the demon. Only, what horrifies him even more is that he still enjoys running into Crowley. And Crowley knows this.

I’ve got a few things to get down before I copy the fic in here so here we go! First up, thank you ever so much for waiting so very long because I, a soft lesbian, cannot for the life of me figure out how to write Crowley, a dumbass softie at heart, into a Dark figure. It took me a long time and a bit of help. I’d also like to say I have spent about an hour and a half writing this, it took the rest of the time to figure it out. I’m sorry about the wait, basically. Secondly! I really hope you enjoy it! Or that it meets some expectations! Or both! Both preferably but hey ho. Thirdly! This is as dark as I could get Crowley to go and personally I don’t think it’s very dark, sorry about that :D So! Enjoy! Let me know what you thought if you want!

“Goodnight, angel.”

The bookshop door closes behind Crowley with a gentle ring of the bell and Aziraphale keeps smiling, softly to himself, as he sets his empty wine glass down on his desk next to the one Crowley had been drinking out of. It’s almost midnight and if it weren’t for Crowley having to go on assignment up to North Wales then they’d still be drinking and laughing. But as it is, he’s got to get up and lock the doors before picking a book to settle down with. It’s going to be a long week without Crowley to pop by and go out to dinner with.

He’s just pushing himself to his feet, wobbling a little. He should sober up. Which he doesn’t particularly feel like doing, he’s only just edging into drunk instead of tipsy which is an ever so pleasant place to be. That is until a harried looking man barrells through the door with a crash, a small bell in one hand and a lighter in the other. He looks like he’s seen a ghost. Aziraphale sobers up instantly.

“Hello,” Aziraphale says, slightly awkwardly, “is everything alright? It’s just that we’re closed and I don’t really–”

“You’re under attack!”

Aziraphale stops dead, frowning. “I beg your pardon?”

“Attack! I swear to ya’, I saw the witch ‘ere, just now! Outside ya’ shop.”

The man doesn’t look insane, isn’t twitching or switching to talking to himself. He’s blond and wearing a dull coat with strange patches on but other than that doesn’t seem particularly extraordinary.

“I’m afraid I don’t understand still. Oh! Oh, have you been drinking?”

The man splutters and shakes his head before stashing his bell back in a coat pocket. He tries to peer through one of the front windows, leaning over piles of books. Aziraphale reaches out to tug him back then aborts the motion when the man spins back around, looking ever so slightly calmer.

“Did ‘e come in ‘ere?”

“Who?”

“The witch!”

“Uh,” Aziraphale clasps his hands behind his back. “No, no witches here. Who did you say you were, by the way?”

“Shadwell,” the man puffs his chest out, “Sergeant Shadwell, at your service, sir.”

Aziraphale nods and pointedly does not offer his own name in return. “And you’re here because…?”

“To protect ya’, sir. I’ve been trailin’ this particular evil bein’ for some time now. Since I spotted ‘im up to no good in an alley earlier this evenin’.”

Aziraphale nods without actually knowing why because he’s still at a loss. He must mean Crowley, no one else had been near the shop all day, Aziraphale had made sure of it so he could restore one of his prophecy books in peace. Well, it was only Crowley. Worst he ever did was drown a duck.

“Ah, I see. Well, all is well, as you can see.”

Shadwell shakes his head, wagging his finger imperiously at Aziraphale who leans back a little. “No, no, sir. You’ve not seen what ‘e was doin’ before I found ‘im ‘ere again.”

“Oh?” Aziraphale says, grudgingly realising that this man isn’t going to be turned away so easily.

“I saw this all with my own two eyes, no doubt ‘bout it.”

And Aziraphale, to his creeping horror, could do nothing but listen as this man who didn’t even know Crowley’s name recounted act after terrible act that he’d seen the demon (or witch, to Shadwell) have a hand in. From car accidents to separating children from parents on a busy street to slipping a knife to a man following a shadow into an alley. Aziraphale listened and paled and wished for a chair to sit down in. When Shadwell came to a close, clearly pleased with Aziraphale’s rapt attention, he pulled out his lighter again, clicking it on and off absentmindedly.

“You-? You saw him do all this in one evening?”

“Sure as the sky is blue, sir.”

“Red hair? Tall, skinny? Drives a Bentley?”

Shadwell nods.

Aziraphale summons a chair. That couldn’t be right. Crowley wasn’t- he wasn’t truly- he was Crowley. He’d never done such things! Would never. Except…at least…not when Aziraphale was with him. But Crowley spent time apart from Aziraphale, they’d gone centuries without talking so who was to say what he got up to then? Shadwell was blinking at him, jaw slack. The chair. Right. Aziraphale sighs and with a wave of his hand takes Shadwell’s memories of what he’d seen Crowley and Aziraphale do, he replaces them with a long ghost tour of London and sends him out the door with a pat on the back and a ‘please don’t come back’. Shadwell still insists on giving him his card for the ‘Witchfinder army. Aziraphale thinks that that explained rather a lot.

The door now closed again and finally locked, Aziraphale watches his hands start to shake before his eyes. He turns, leaning back on the door. Looking at nothing. He slumps to the ground, pinching at the fabric of his trousers. This couldn’t be true. Not Crowley. Not his Crowley…

His demon Crowley.

The demon Crowley.

The adversary.

***

He drags himself back to his feet hours later. His head feeling like it’s full of wool. He’d tried to deny it, had agonised over it but deep down he knows that Shadwell wasn’t lying. Knows that he’s had an inkling of what Crowley’s been up to for years but has turned a blind eye to keep his own willful ignorance. A bubble of ignorance that has now been shot dead. He takes a deep breath and picks up the phone.

“Crowley?” He asks when the call connects to the answering machine. “I- Crowley, I need you to come to the bookshop as soon as you get this…please? Um…I just, we need to- I’m- I’ve heard from…Just, please? Okay. So. Yes. I’ll be here.”

He sets the phone down on the cradle and collapses into the armchair. At worst he has a week to wait until Crowley comes over. He’s not even entirely sure that he wants Crowley to heed his call, isn’t sure he wants to go through with this. But he also cannot see a way back. There’s no plan for this, no script or routine to dance through. He’s got to make a decision, one that sickens him to his core. Does he stay in their arrangement despite knowing full well the sins Crowley is willfully committing or does he leave? Cut ties? They’ve not been as subtle as they could have been with their feelings. Aziraphale knows without a doubt that Crowley wouldn’t hurt him, wouldn’t turn his dark ways on him because the demon is painfully in love with him. He knows that. Knows it as strongly as he’s known since the Blitz that he’s just as in love with Crowley. Or at least…he was.

He doesn’t have to wait long. As it turns out Crowley hadn’t left for Wales yet, had been in his apartment to hear the call. The demon bursts through the doors in much the same fashion Shadwell had not so long ago. Aziraphale startles but stays in his seat.

“Aziraphale? Where are you? Are you okay? I got your message,” Crowley calls, Aziraphale can hear him moving closer, “you sounded like you were in trouble, where are- Angel?”

Crowley stands in front of him, in his pyjamas and without his sunglasses. Aziraphale forces himself to hold steady and clasps his hands in his lap.

“Crowley, thank you for coming.”

Crowley frowns in confusion and runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah, ‘course I did. Is everything okay?”

“Not exactly,” Aziraphale says, he doesn’t point to the sofa as he normally would and Crowley takes it as a sign to keep standing.

“Well? What is it?”

“I learnt some things tonight, after you left,” Aziraphale hesitates, “About you.”

“Me?”

Aziraphale nods. Crowley sits on the arm of the sofa, a guarded look in his eyes.

“I- Crowley, I know what you’ve done. What you’ve been doing for years behind my back.”

“Angel? What are you–”

“–I realise now that I’ve been, well, silly for thinking you were different. You are a demon and I should have remembered that more.”

“–the hell are you saying?”

Aziraphale drops Crowley’s gaze, drifting to look at the books behind his shoulders. “I know what you do. The temptations that aren’t the simple things like an extra dessert or a bit of gambling. The- the ‘accidents’ you’ve engineered. I can only imagine the worst of it you must’ve had a hand in over the years.” He laughs, mirthless. Self-deprecating.

He glances back to see Crowley’s reaction. The demon has shut down. His jaw clenched tight and his hands on his knees, knuckles white. He’s looking at Aziraphale in a way that the angel cannot recognise nor name.

“How?”

“I’m not going to tell you that, Crowley.”

Crowley nods once. “‘Course you won’t. What you going to do, then? Smite me at last?”

Aziraphale blanches. He hadn’t even thought of that. “No!”

“Really? I’ve been lying to you, angel. Doing things worse than you could imagine and they’ve all been my choice. My decision. So why not? What’s holding you back?” Crowley’s voice has risen to a near shout, a wild glint in his serpentine eyes that is familiar to Aziraphale.

“You know why.”

“Oh! Do I?”

“Yes!”

“That’s news to me, angel!”

“Stop this! Crowley, you’re being- being–”

“Evil? Demonic? Any one will do, Aziraphale. It’s what I am.” Crowley stands and stalks over to him, hands on either arm rest as he leans over the angel. “You know, I’d let you. Smite me, I mean.”

Aziraphale frowns, breaking his composure for the first time. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“I know.”

Crowley pushes away again. Aziraphale stands too, they’re chest to chest and Aziraphale doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s an angel. Crowley is right. He should be smiting and having his divine vengeance.

“Why do you do it?” he asks, for lack of any other concrete thoughts to verbalise. “Those things, they’re…I want to know why.”

Crowley shrugs. “Fun? It’s no worse than what they do to each other. I’m just helping them along. Doing some of the work for them. Taking the weight off their shoulders, one might say.”

“Then why do we have the arrangement?”

Crowley tenses, voice deepening in an attempt at threatening but Aziraphale knows this voice. Knows every tone and modulation. Has heard every crack and snap and hiss over the past few millennia. “You know why. The same reason you haven’t sent me into oblivion.”

Aziraphale doesn’t have anything to say to that. Doesn’t have any idea how to progress. Crowley, on the other hand, has imagined this scenario a thousand times over. Has stressed over it and worried and lost sleep over it. It’s gone better than he expected. No need to push. He turns for the door. Aziraphale doesn’t stop him.

“See you in a week, angel.”

And he does.

#Dark #dark!crowley #good omens #prompted fic #fanfic #my writing #this was the most difficult thing I've written in terms of character #poems are still winning in terms of technical difficulty levels

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kurtwarren54 · 3 years

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IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT!

As I sit here typing the words, “I am pregnant!” it’s words we have been dreaming about for almost a full year now. Literally working toward each month. For a year. My heart can’t stop smiling thinking about it, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face as the tears continue to fall down my face. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. Tears of past heartbreak. All of it. I have shared a lot of my past infertility journey that brought us to Otis (which you can read about here) and I am committed to sharing our story with you as we experience it. These posts for me have been therapeutic to be able to diary as I have experienced it. Also, please be kind if I go in and out of tense as some of this was written in the moment and some of it after the fact. BEAR WITH ME.

This Frozen Embryo Transfer was likely the most important of all of them. It was our last frozen embryo we had in storage. And our last try for a baby. The weight of that was suffocating. After previously going through 3 egg retrievals, after Otis I was left with 3 frozen embabies. Our precious little babies. Of course there are always options to keep going but I am of course already 37 years old and I STRUGGLED to get healthy embryos from my retrievals since my egg quality was pretty poor. I was also unsure if I was willing to undergo the whole egg retrieval process again but this now brought all those thoughts up. What if my last transfer doesn’t work? There was ALOT on our minds. Alot. So looking into our last chance with our last embryo had a lot of weight to it. After looking at our past failed cycles with our doctor, she had an idea to do something completely different. This both excited me and completely TERRIFIED me. But at this point, we really needed to throw it all on the line to put our best foot forward. I trust my doctor so I was willing to go down a new path. I think it’s always important to mix things up because you never know what your recipe for success will be. She wanted to try a “Natural FET cycle” meaning that we would supplement less with synthetic hormones and instead, let my body lead the way naturally and then only supplement with less hormones closer to embryo transfer. Since I have had issues getting a thicker lining with all the synthetic hormones, we were curious to see how my body does completely on it’s own. So the goal would be, track my natural cycle in a “mock” cycle where we were only doing bloodwork and ultrasounds to gather information and track my cycle. No embryo transfer. Just tracking for research. I was IN.

Tracking my Natural Cycle

The process would be, wait till cycle day 3 of my period and come in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork at my fertility clinic. Then for me to do at home ovulation kits to track my ovulation at home as well as come in for multiple scans to see how my eggs were growing and tracking it with kits, bloodwork and ultrasound. In doing this, we found that my lining naturally looked FREAKING AMAZING. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN. Basically my lining looked the best it ever had and I was almost upset this was a mock cycle and not a real one. That is how good my lining looked. After we confirmed ovulation with both my at home kits, and ultrasound and blood work, doctor also confirmed that my estrogen tends to dip a little low after ovulation so that is where we want to supplement a little more in our real cycle. Good to know! Also, we were excited to decide we would lock into a natural FET cycle and we were doing this!!! Of course we also tried naturally that month to get pregnant and of course it didn’t happen. So we were on our way to our Natural FET cycle with my next period.

Natural Cycle FET

I started my cycle on the 3rd day of my period and came in for a baseline check. The did an ultrasound to make sure I didn’t have any cysts on my ovaries and did blood work to check my hormone levels. The plan was to do at home ovulation kits and wait for high and peak results. The kits I use first tell you when your levels are HIGH and then tell you when it’s PEAK which is right before ovulation. So it was about 2 weeks until I went in again just for a check. Things were actually looking farther along than last cycle so we did more blood work and she suspected I would be getting close so I would come back in 2 days. In 2 days, my body was READY! Those eggs were growing perfectly and when we checked my hormones I was ready to go!! IT WAS INSANITY. I was expecting to have a much longer cycle again but this was flying by holy crap. I waited for blood work to confirm but that night I did my trigger shot! The trigger shot would confirm my exact embryo transfer timing. My lining was the best it’s ever looked! It looked “lush and juicy” in the words of my doctor and she was so excited about how great it looked that she printed me out a photo. I had that good trilaminar appearance to it as well which is all very positive. Things were looking amazing for my natural cycle and I was excited the doctor was as hyped as I was about it. I knew that if things didn’t look great, we could always cancel and try again but we were doing this!!

One week before I did my trigger injection which would trigger ovulation and set the wheels into motion for my embryo transfer. I started my progesterone 5 days before transfer and my other meds 3 days before. Progesterone this time was 1 injection and 1 suppository at night. I literally forgot how horrible those suppositories are. Basically it’s a compounded version of progesterone that looks like an oversized pill that you shove up your lady parts at night. But the aftermath is that is oozes out kind of slowly over time. Sorry TMI but damn they are GROSS. They just really end up making me feel very uncomfortable and I much prefer the injections which I know sounds INSANE. I started WAY less other hormones 3 days before. 2 estrogen patches and then my normal protocol of antibiotics, claritin, pepcid, baby aspirin, and medrol. After the medrol was finished I would start my prednisone. So all the meds were mostly the same as my medicated cycles in the past but just a lot less of them since we were working with my own body’s goods.

We did one last appointment on Friday before my Monday transfer to make sure all my hormones were looking good and that lining was also looking good. I think my nerves were running high. The appointment went great and everything looked ready. Hormones and lining looked good. I got to the checkout desk and was scheduling my pregnancy blood drawl test and 2 of my nurses came over to wish me luck at my transfer. I lost it. I feel awful to have been crying at the desk as I am sure anyone in the waiting room could hear me. But wow. The gravity of everything was hitting me. I desperately needed this to work. It was our last precious embryo and I was a hot mess of emotion. I thought I had it all together, I was feeling so good and positive, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t FEELING. Just such a vulnerable moment. Losing your shit. In public. But damn, infertility is hard as fuck. It’s really fucking hard. And going to battle and being knocked down every time takes its toll. I left the office tissues in hand. When I got to my car, I decided to change the script. Yes we had 1 more chance but that 1 chance is a blessing.

EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY

Of all my transfers, this one was one for the books. My smile was bigger waking up. I was more hopeful. I laid out my rainbow shirt, my cozy warrior socks, and I sat excited to start my day and move a step closer to expanding our family. I blow dried my hair, which in Covid times, is a big deal. I wanted to feel good. Look good. Be the light I needed this day.

Blake, Otis and I packed up to leave. Because of Covid-19, he was not allowed in for my transfer but he would drop me off and be there waiting. As I was getting in the car, I noticed 3 morning doves walking through our garden. It was the sign I needed that morning. Third time’s the charm. I couldn’t knock the smile off my face after that. Despite the fact that destructive fires were raging through my part of Southern California, my sister was evacuated from her home and it smelled horribly of smoke even outside of our own home, I was positive. Nothing was going to ruin this day for me.

When I got to the clinic, it was business as usual. Take my valium and I filled out all my forms etc and before I knew it I was back in the room getting ready. I always play music on my phone and this time I put on my Summer Salt playlist for some good vibes. The embryologist came in, shared good news about our thawed 4AB embryo and confirmed it was our last normal embryo. My doctor came in shortly after. A speculum, a catheter and a few quick minutes later and the embryo was in! Watching it on the screen happen via ultrasound is truly a sureal experience. And just like that, we did it. I had my lucky socks on keeping me cozy and I also brought a few ribbons with me from a gift as a good luck charm. Channeling hope and love through every moment. I had asked Blake if he could give me an affirmation each day after my transfer to keep my spirits high and keep my hopeful heart in the right direction. I didn’t know he was going to give me something on the day of my transfer but before I had walked in, he gave me my first affirmation from him and Otis. I got to open it as I sat alone waiting for the doctors and nurses to come in. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming” <3, Blake + Otis Never underestimate the power of a small gesture to make someone’s heart just so happy. Blake picked me up and we drove home to for me to get cozy in bed, eat my lunch, and take a much needed nap. Since I take valium to relax me before my procedure, I always need a good nap that day to sleep everything off.

2WW (The Two Week Wait)

This time period is the dreaded “TWO WEEK WAIT.” Technically it’s 10 days after my transfer that I can go in for my beta blood work to measure my HCG levels and find out if I got pregnant from my transfer. So let’s start from the beginning of those 10 days.

My first 3 days (including transfer day) were bed/couch rest. So basically hang in bed, have Blake bring me all my meals and snacks and just BE CHILL and BE HAPPY. In order to prepare for this and make it easier for Blake, who took time off of work to watch and care for myself and Otis, I did our meal plan for bedrest and planned some of my favorite meals to enjoy during this time. Also a tradition on transfer day for me is to enjoy a bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese and cucumber in bed while I watch Father of the Bride. I do this every time. It’s just part of my “happy” process. We had to keep my door closed since bed rest and a toddler don’t mix. Of course Otis and Blake could come in to say hi every once in a while, but the important thing was for me to be chill and mellow. So I binged my fav rom coms in bed, took some naps, and thought positive thoughts. I also facetimed Otis for every meal so I felt part of the family even stuck in bed. Love that technology could keep us together at meal time. This also made me happy to see Otis’ sweet face.

On day 4, I was allowed to resume normal activity as long as I refrained from any strenuous and no working out at all. Also, no lifting my toddler. That one is difficult! But I am so thankful to have Blake working from home to help me lift him in and out of his crib during this time. So we took things easy, and kept myself busy hanging with Otis daily and waiting.

During the 2ww I was also tracking my body like a HAWK. What was I feeling? How was I feeling? Were these signs of pregnancy? Were these signs of my period? Anyone that endures the 2WW becomes obsessed with any small symptoms they might detect and wonder WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. I am telling you, it’s maddening. The problem is, with each transfer, all the symptoms are almost identical for pregnancy OR getting your period. Seriously. It’s a mind fuck excuse my French but it is. And comparing my symptoms to my last 2 failed FET, they were similar. So how was I supposed to know if it was good or bad? There was just no way to know. I had the slight cramping. I had the sore boobs. I had the bloating. Basically all the symptoms all week. I started those 10 days mellow and cool as a cucumber but as the days passed by… the anxiety started to rise.

9DPT (9 Days Post Transfer)

As I sit here on Nov 4th, my anxiety level is at an all time high with the election still lingering with no clear cut winner and a pregnancy test lingering. Chalk it up to massive PTSD but wow the nerves are hitting me today. I know what is done is done, and I know my results will share just that. But this time, it’s all on the line. As the day went on the anxiety rose. I ended up doing a mediation in my calm app and taking a nap when Otis took a nap. I needed that release. Later in the day after dinner, I went to the bathroom and I swear when I wiped, I had a slight light pink streak. I freaked out. Could this be my period??? We were getting Otis ready for bed and I was sitting in his rocking chair waiting for him and Blake to come into the room and I just broke down. Hysterically ugly crying I said to blake, “Im so nervous.” Tears streaming. Uncontrollably. I think in this moment I realized that while my level of optimism was high, there was still 2 possible outcomes… and now I was freaking out. Sadly I made Blake stress out too but damn guys. I just lost it. While the 2WW is always an excruciating time for people going through fertility treatment, the day before blood test was high up in the worst days ever. After we got Otis down for bed, we binged some 90 Day Fiance before the 90 days to get our minds off the baby topic. And then tucked ourselves in with our nightly meditation. I have the Hatch Restore and it’s been a great part of my daily routine. You can select custom meditations to play before bed and then play your sound machine music. It’s helped to set a good intention for me before bedtime. Setting my mind in the right space has been such an important thing to focus on throughout this experience.

10DPT + Pregnancy Blood Test

I think Blake and I barely slept the night leading to my blood work. I woke up and got ready to go and made sure to pee in a cup for Blake. I NEVER go into my bloodwork without doing a HPT (home pregnancy test) because I do not want to find out blind from a phone call if I don’t have to. So I peed in the cup and left. Right when I leave the door, Blake does the pregnancy test for me. He is a GOOD man. So thankful he does this for me. I do this so that we have results but I don’t know until after my blood work so that I am in good spirits at the doctors office. I headed in for my quick blood drawl and I was back into my car eagerly texting Blake. Because of the stress and PTSD… I texted Blake, “Negative?” and he texted me, “Are you sure you wanna know?” and I said yes. “You are PREGNANT!” I swear when I read it… I blacked out. LITERALLY BLACKED OUT. I immediately video chatted with Blake while uncontrollably and hysterically crying. HYSTERICAL. I was in complete shock. Blake asked, “Are you excited???” Since he was clearly confused by my tears of utter shock. OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It seriously took me some time to calm down. It was literally unbelievable. After 1 cancelled cycle and 2 failed transfers…. I finally got a positive home pregnancy test. It was a fucking miracle. Now to wait for the actual blood results.

The nurse called me later in the day to share the good news and I was just so relieved not to get that familiar phone call from my doctor. The PTSD is so real when it comes to every part of this process. My levels looked GREAT and I would come back in 2 days to make sure my beta HCG levels were going up. My levels 2 days later looked great again. It was official!!!! I would go in next week for my 5 week ultrasound. At this point, we had our trip to Alisal scheduled btw my blood work and my ultrasound appointment so it was the perfect midweek time to literally celebrate our new found news together as a family. But also gave us so much excitement to know after our short trip, I would come home to an ultrasound appointment to SEE OUR BABY.

5 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Leading up to each milestone is like a wave of anxiety following with you. Of course I am hopeful, happy, excited but when you have this many problems getting pregnant, I forgot just how much anxiety I had leading up to each weekly appointment. Being in such a pattern of heartbreak and disappointment you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But wow. What a milestone. I headed in for my appointment and the doctor said, “There it is! Right where I left it!” I breathed a sigh of relief as we looked at the little circle that was our baby on the ultrasound machine. She explained that my appointment for 6 weeks we MIGHT be able to hear the heartbeat but to not freak out if we didn’t because we still had our 7 week appointment to hear it. So now we just waited for the next week. I still am continuing all my meds: 2x a day progesterone injections, 2 estrogen patches changed every other day, and my daily anti-inflammatory protocol meds (prednisone, claritin, pepcid ac and baby aspirin).

6 Week Ultrasound Appointment

At this appointment I got to see the flickering of the heart!!!! BIG BIG FEELINGS!!! No sound yet to detect but it was a great sign to physically see the heartbeat. At the start of 6 weeks is when my extreme nausea began. It was much worse than my pregnancy with Otis. I started diclegis (2 pills at night) to help combat my nausea and help me to function as a mom to a toddler.

7 Week Ultrasound Appointment

WE GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! Such a milestone to experience. An exciting week for growth. Another positive is that after 1 week of taking diclegis, I was starting to finally feel a bit better. The meds definitely took time to kick in for me. It was not immediate relief.

8 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Growth was all good! Feeling overall much better since starting my meds as well.

9 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Scan went great and I got to decrease my meds to the below!

1 progesterone injection a day Stop prednisone pills Continue estrogen patches Continue baby aspirin Continue claritin and pepcid as needed

The nausea seemed to be creeping back late afternoon and just was not feeling great from afternoon to dinner time. I lost my appetite at night and it was hard to really get down any dinner. Lots of exhaustion and going to be early this week. Its the week I felt the WORST. Even despite being on the diclegis at night. But starting 10 weeks and 2 days I started to feel alot better again.

10 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Starting to finally feel better overall. But WOW. Massive exhaustion and just feeling so tired all of a sudden. Zero energy. Blake also said, “you look tired” so there is that. HA! Scan looked good and growth is on track!

We also did our genetic testing blood work that looks for genetic disorders as well as can signify gender (even though we already know) and will await those results. The nice thing is we already know we have a healthy genetically tested embryo but to be thorough we alway do this blood work regardless. And as always, each step is still nerve wracking as we move forward.

11 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Our little one is really starting to look like a baby on the ultrasound!!! Funny how things grow so quickly each week and really start to transform. Everything is looking great and finally weaning down meds again. VERY exciting.

No more patches Wean down to 1 progesterone injection every other day

I was feeling pretty good overall and not sick. But still very tired as the day drags on. Since dropping the meds, I started to get a hormonal headache which lasted for 2 days. Luckily it passed quickly and is likely due to the fluctuation of my hormones from stopping certain meds etc. I do have the occasional nausea at night so I make sure to be having smaller meals as well as some protein snacks throughout the day to try to curb the nausea if I can.

12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist

HOLY CRAP I made it to my gyno appointment. Because of the way the holidays fell this year (both Christmas and New Years) I was able to do my 12 week with my Gyno and then do my Fertility clinic 12 week the following week. I hope to be able to graduate next week from my fertility clinic but time will tell. Or should I say, my bloodwork will tell.

At my appointment I had a lengthy ultrasound to see baby. GUYS!!!! The tech said the baby was so accommodating and was literally showing off the most perfect little angles for photos. She was able to get some really cool 3d renderings of baby that you see above. SO. FREAKING. COOL!!! Everything looked great. Heartbeat is great. All great! I next met with the nurse practitioner, since I don’t see my doctor on my first appointment, and went over some basics and then I was on my way to get my prenatal blood panel. And that’s it! Such a milestone heading to my first obgyn appointment.

In terms of how I am feeling, let me tell you the nausea is creeping right back at night so around dinner time to bedtime I am kind of feeling miserable again. But I know that soon enough things will level out and I should be feeling much better over all again. I am so glad to still be taking the diclegis or I would REALLY feel like crap. Thank you modern medicine. Regardless of feeling crappy, I know it’s all for a good cause so you won’t find me complaining… that often

What’s Happening Now

We obviously have a long road ahead of us and many milestones to achieve with our precious little baby. I feel each week, you look at the next and think, “Wow! I will feel much better at “X” week.” Then “X” week hits and you will feel better and more confident the NEXT week. So many nerves when it comes to pregnancy at least for us around here. What I can say is we are so hopeful and with every week our hearts just grow bigger as the baby grows. Because of my appointments falling over the holidays, I have my 12 week appointment at my fertility clinic next week a little bit late and we are HOPEFULLY it will be my graduation day!! Hopefully all my levels look great when we do my bloodwork and I can finally stop all my medications. My fingers will be crossed for that moment. I told my doctor I will be happy when I never have to see her again. HA! I know that sounds mean but she TOTALLY understood what I meant. I see Dr. Moayeri at OC Fertility and her office works through the CCRM facility in Orange County. I can’t say enough good things about them if you are on the hunt for a doctor. Also have seen Dr. Sachdev there many times who is equally lovely.

To have gone through all of this infertility journey during normal times would have been excruciating and add in a global pandemic, thanks to Covid-19, it added an extra layer of complexity to everything. To think of all the women, going to their appointments alone, going through procedures alone… it just breaks my heart. Especially those going through it for their first time. These times and these struggles have only confirmed something I have found out through having Otis: That I have more courage than I could have ever thought possible. This process has almost been more excruciating knowing what a light and joy it has been to be a mother to Otis. It’s hurt extra hard knowing that we may never be able to give Otis a sibling. To be given the joy and privilege of being a mother the first time was my biggest dream come true. And to be given that opportunity again, I am just crying tears of joy. Over. and Over. And over again. It still feels sureal to think we are on the other side of this. Everyday I wake up and go to bed, looking at the ultrasound photo next to my bed, and the inspiration quotes Blake typed out for me that I still have hanging on a string on my wall. And the photo of our precious embryo and the photo of our actual transfer. Everyday I count my blessings. So coming this July 2021, Otis will become a big brother. And for that, Blake and I will never stop smiling.

I know how triggering a pregnancy announcement can be to those still struggling through their infertility or trying to get pregnant naturally. But know that miracles happen. And that most of all, when it might seem the darkest, hope remains. I hope through hearing our story, you know you are not alone going through infertility. It’s true that the storm is indescribable but the rainbow is always worth the struggle. My heart is with you all.

Otis pajamas in these photos are from my collaboration with Clover baby & Kids. It’s obviously VERY special since both Otis and our future little baby will be our little rainbows of joy. You bet I have ever size in there for when baby #2 comes to join us. You can use code: OTIS for 20% off most items if you want to celebrate your own little rainbow baby with me. Shop here.

The post IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT! appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

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elizabethcariasa · 3 years

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IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT!

Tracking my Natural Cycle

Natural Cycle FET

EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY

2WW (The Two Week Wait)

9DPT (9 Days Post Transfer)

10DPT + Pregnancy Blood Test

5 Week Ultrasound Appointment

6 Week Ultrasound Appointment

7 Week Ultrasound Appointment

8 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Growth was all good! Feeling overall much better since starting my meds as well.

9 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Scan went great and I got to decrease my meds to the below!

1 progesterone injection a day Stop prednisone pills Continue estrogen patches Continue baby aspirin Continue claritin and pepcid as needed

10 Week Ultrasound Appointment

11 Week Ultrasound Appointment

No more patches Wean down to 1 progesterone injection every other day

12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist

What’s Happening Now

The post IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT! appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

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leftmyurlinmyotherpants · 7 years

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Newsies Favorite Music + Favorite Songs HCs!

im very aware no one asked for these but this is what happens when @ashbash72310 and i are on facetime for like eleven years

Jack Kelly: he seems like a J. Cole/Jake Miller type of guy, not entirely sure why though. Favorite song: Dazed and Confused by Jake Miller

Davey Jacobs: he DEFINITELY listens to Mumford and Sons, The Cab and other indie music, don’t even fight it. Favorite song: Take My Hand by The Cab

Les Jacobs: OKAY GUYS HEAR THIS OUT. SO ASH AND I WERE LIKE DAVEY IS PROBABLY SUPER PROTECTIVE OVER WHAT HE LISTENS TO SO LES PROBABLY LISTENS TO SUPER PURE STUFF so we decided on Little Mix and The Script. Favorite song: Word Up! by Little Mix

Spot Conlon: HERE ARE THE FACTS. spot is definitely an emo little shit. so hes an ATL/PTV/SWS/FOB type of guy. Favorite song: I’m Low On Gas and You Need A Jacket by PTV

Race: OKAY YALL SO race definitely listens to Blink 182, Green Day, Hands Like Houses and literally only a Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die P!ATD. he probably also had a Seether moment. Favorite song: Far Too Young to Die by P!ATD

Specs: okay so our boy definitely joins Crutchie in his theatre binges but he has to be drunk to fully give into it. he probably also listens to music popular in other countries (like Polish and Russian music) AND WILL PARTY REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT HE KNOWS WHATS HAPPENING. Favorite song: Ona Lube Pomarańcze by After Party (what a good Polish song)

Crutchie: OKAY OUR BOY IS SUCH A THEATRE KID ITS INSANE. he also joins Romeo in his Beyonce moments. Favorite song: Facade from Jekyll and Hyde.

Romeo: AS MENTIONED BEFORE HE IS SUCH A BEYONCE FAN. HE WILL DEFEND TO THE DEATH. Favorite song: 7/11 by Beyonce

Finch: OKAY SO FINCH IS DEFINITELY THAT ONE FRIEND IN THE GROUP CHAT THAT’S ALWAYS LIKE “YOOOOO I FOUND THIS AWESOME COVER” AND EVERYONE ENDS UP LOVING IT. DONT @ US ON THIS. Favorite song/cover: I Lived cover by BYU Vocal Point

Henry: okay so we kinda feel like he’s a bit all over but he probably really likes Avenged Sevenfold, The Bleachers and FUN. not much of an explanation to this one. Favorite song: Some Nights by FUN

Mike: OKAY SO MY BOY MIKE IS PROBABLY COUNTRY AF. HE PROBABLY RANGES FROM HUNTER HAYES TO DIERKS BENTLEY TO COLE SWINDELL AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHY. Favorite song: More Than I Should by Hunter Hayes

Ike: so our boy is DEFINITELY a Daughtry ho. this boy loves belting those early 2000s jams. Favorite song: Battleships by Daughtry

Sniper: so we were at a loss for trying to figure this one out but ED SHEERAN IS SNIPER’S SHIT. Favorite song: Nancy Mulligan by Ed Sheeran (as it should be)

Albert: OKAY SO THIS MIGHT BE HEAVILY BASED ON SKY FLAHERTY’S ALBERT BUT HE IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THOSE EDM/MUSICAL FESTIVAL TYPE GUYS. HE L O V E S LISTENING TO TECHNO/DANCE MUSIC. I DONT MAKE THE RULES. Favorite song: its actually a tie between Kanye by The Chainsmokers AND Can’t Go Back Home by Mika Zibanejad

Mush: this is heavily based on Nick Masson’s Mush but we feel as though Mush would love Conor Maynard and Austin Mahone. Favorite song: R U Crazy by Conor Maynard

Jojo: OKAY OUR BOY JOJO IS SUCH A SLUT FOR COLDPLAY. HE IS IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THE SOUNDS. Favorite song: Lost by Coldplay

Elmer: OKAY SO OUR BOY ELMER IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THOSE POP BITCHES. LIKE HE LOVES EVERYTHING ON THE RADIO. this is mainly based on a strange thought we had of Anthony Zas singing karaoke to Ariana Grande but we dont need to talk about that. Favorite Song: Sorry Not Sorry by Demi Lovato

Buttons: okay so my boy Buttons is definitely one of those “i was born in the wrong generation” kids. i can totally picture this boy at tribute concerts for bands like Pink Floyd and the Grateful Dead. can also be found belting Santeria by Sublime in the shower. i d o n t m a k e t h e r u l e s. DEFINITELY has gotten high while listening to the Grateful Dead at least once. Favorite song: Estimated Prophet by the Grateful Dead

Kid Blink: he is DEFINITELY the alt pop guy. he listens to Halsey, Melanie Martinez, Twenty One Pilots and Lady Gaga. goes ALL OUT WITH THE MAKEUP FOR CONCERTS SORRY. Favorite song: a tie between Strange Love by Halsey and Empty Gold by Halsey

Tommy Boy: boyo listens to Eminem ON THE REGULAR. CAN BE FOUND COMPLETELY KILLING THE GAME WHEN ITS STUCK IN HIS HEAD. THE BOY CAN SPIT ‘EM LIKE THERES NO TOMORROW. Favorite song: Mercy by Kanye (and whoever the hell else is on that song)

Katherine: okay our girl Kath LIVES FOR MILEY CYRUS but only like late 2000s Miley. often found belting Fly on the Wall while cleaning. dont @ me. Favorite Song: Start All Over by Miley Cyrus

Hot Shot: THIS BOY IS SUCH AN AVRIL LAVIGNE STAN. BUT ONLY OLD AVRIL. he wouldnt be surprised if it was released that avril was replaced. Favorite song: Alice by Avril Lavigne

AND SOME BONUS DARCY BECAUSE WHY NOT

so Darcy is DEFINITELY AN ADELE AND P!NK TYPE GUY. DONT FIGHT IT. LET IT HAPPEN. his favorite song is Sober by P!nk

AND SOME BONUS SPRACE BECAUSE

W H Y T H E H E L L N O T

okay so the two of them are super hardcore and emo and shit but they TOTALLY GO ALL FUCKIN HEART EYES FOR DISNEY. but only when they’re together. some of their favorite movies include Chicken Little, The Nightmare Before Christmas and Moana. THESE TWO ARE SUCH BIG FANS OF MOANA THERE IS NO STOPPING THEM. their favorite disney songs are You’re Welcome from Moana and One Little Slip by the Barenaked Ladies (which was in Chicken Little)

#i wrote a thing #we wrote a thing #HAT #headcanons

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alexfridayfesten · 5 years

Text

BREAKDOWN OF HELENA'S SCENES: Below I have attached a copy of all of Helena's lines with her scene objectives per scene. This is something that I do every time I receive a script. At this stage in rehearsals its extremely important as well as beneficial to be recapping over all my lines and cue lines so they are fixated in my brain, as the reality of acting comes from “doing” and you cannot “do” things from instinct until they are cemented and locked in like a third language.

ACT 1, SCENE 3:

*Pia & Christian – Christians bedroom*

Helene enters with Butler Lars.

Moment before: mingling with fellow guests in the dinner party before being taken down to find where I am staying...

ACT 1, SCENE 3 Objective: to reveal the cues left behind by my sister to find out why she killed herself.

Inner monologue: Talking to my sister “Linda please give me something, please give me a clue as to why”- desperation.

Obstacles: Lars finding out the truth and potentially exploiting it.

Christian: yeah exciting.

HELENE: I don’t know if this means anything to you, I don’t know how sensitive you are.

Lars: I’m sorry?

HELENE: I’m not making a fuss, but this is my sister’s room. It’s not really-satisfactory. But I suppose it’s better than giving it to Christian.

Lars: would you like me to find you another room?

HELENE: Christian and Linda were twins, Jesus it’s spooky. It happened in there, in the bathroom.

· Michael & mette scene*

- Michael exits

Mette: they must be here somewhere.

HELENE: perhaps it’ll be better if you find me another room, im getting a really bad feeling about this.

Michael: listen, I can’t go to dinner in brown brogues, my dad will go fucking nuts.

*Bath Water trickling*

HELENE: did you hear that? I think she’s in the bathroom.

Lars: no, please, she’s dead.

Mette: MICHAEL!

HELENE: let’s have look!

Lars: I think we should find you another room.

HELENE: Let’s have a quick look.

*Mette & Michael fight*

HELENE: Jesus!

Lars: Miss Hansen.

HELENE: There.

Lars: what?

HELENE: There, look pointing sideways.

*Mette, Michael arguing scene*

Michael: well then, stop that.

HELENE: And there, there’s another arrow.

Pia: what do you think? I’ve still got a great ass.

HELENE: There.

Pia: are you just going to send me into the bath Christian?

Christian: I think so.

HELENE: And there.

Pia: You can’t even be bothered to make love to me. Do you think im too skinny?

HELENE: Jesus where is it?!

Pia: Christian where are you?

HELENE: Can you lie down on the bed? Just for a minute. If you lie down sometimes you can see something.

Lars: you want me to lie down?

HELENE: Sometimes the different perspective helps.

Lars: im not sure I understand the game.

HELENE: look up. Look and see if you can see another little arrow or something like that. Like a wave. Or a fish, or a bird. You know like playing getting hotter getting colder, she always played it, were getting hotter I can feel it.

Pia: Christian?

Mette: stay there.

HELENE: Look, she’s drawn a little bird! How sweet, like a sparrow.

I can’t bare this. There’s an arrow. And there’s another arrow. We’re getting hotter and hotter but.

Lars: look, up there, up in the rim of the shade, there’s something there.

HELENE: Quickly! Quickly!

*Helene climbs on to bed to find letter-Michael has an orgasm*

HELENE: Here it is!

*walks away to read in private... Lars comes closer to her*

Lars: what is it?

HELENE: BOO!

*Lars jumps*

Lars: Ah!

HELENE: It doesn’t say anything. Im sorry. Did I make you jump?

Lars: no. not at all.

HELENE: it doesn’t say anything.

There have always been ghosts in this house.

Lars: oh.

HELENE: I think I’ll be alright in here.

Lars: are you sure?

HELENE: I’d like to stay in here actually. Really. Thanks so much for your help. Thanks.

Lars: okay.

*Helene reads the letter again, she begins to cry... gets her handbag were she finds a tablet bottle out her bag and puts the letter inside it then back in her handbag, then sits on the bed crying*

ACT 2, SCENE 1:

Moment before: just found letter, trying to hide my discovery

ACT 2, SCENE 1 Objective: get through the evening with nobody exploiting the truth.

Inner monologue: “how could you dad...”

Obstacles: Christian’s speeches exploiting my father, IF Lars seen the letter.

- *Bring on plate cutlery & wine glass.*

SING: Its daddy’s birthday, oh yes it is, and it is today.

And now you’ll hear how loud we sing

Tra la la la la

La la la la la

*Repeated 3 times “clap” *

All stand around the piano before walking over to our seats at dining table.

Else: I hope that you can behave yourself Cousin Hugo.

HELENE: No she’s right.

Cousin Hugo: (to mette) and you dear, I’ll probably say something later and it won’t be for the ears of little girls.

HELENE: Oh Hugo.

*Chatting over table *

POUL: It’s very hot in here.

HELENE: I think it’s hot.

*Chat between Michael helge Helmut*

Michael: poul would you like a drink?

Cousin Hugo: “... but it won’t be for the ears off little girls”

HELENE: im sure it won’t be.

Poul: the salmon soup is delicious.

HELENE: Is it a salmon soup?

Cousin Hugo: yes the tomato soup is terrific.

HELENE: it’s not tomato soup, its lobster soup.

Christians 1st toast...*

Poul: take the yellow one!

Michael: that’s better you miserable sod!

HELENE: Look he’s snapped right out of it now!

Christian: “im not sure if you remember, but dad was always taking baths”

*Helene knocks wine glass over*

Cousin Hugo: Christian, you were the first to speak but now it’s my turn, else today is your birthday.

Poul: its helge.

Cousin Hugo: what did he say?

HELENE: He said, that its helges birthday today, oh dear that’s Hugo for you.

Cousin Hugo: …. “He had found it difficult to meet girls.”

HELENE: Im sorry for interrupting. I’d just like to say, I hope you didn’t take what Christian said seriously, seriously he’s my brother and I love him very much but what he said is ludicrous. If there had been anything remotely true in what he said then I would have known. Im sorry for interrupting, it’s just that I got quite a shock then, im sorry.

Cousin Hugo: “... you can handle a story that’s a little bit blue can’t you.”

HELENE: no Hugo.

Helmut: oh no, not again.

HELENE: this is the fourth time!

· Christians 2nd speech- people begin to leave dinner table.

Helmut: this way.

Helene exit.

Poul: SONG “and got eaten by a shark and died.”

Helene enter.

HELENE: Are you inane?

Can you hear what im saying, Christian?

Are you completely fucking insane!

Christian!

ACT 2, SCENE 2:

Moment before: shouted at Christian for his speeches at the dinner table, frightened what’s going to happen next, probably smokes a spiff/ line while waiting for kai.

ACT 2, SCENE 2 Objective: To get rid of Michael to be alone with kai. To stop him being so cruel, to protect kai.

Obstacles: his fascist views, his anger.

Michael: now listen mate, I don’t know how you know my sister and I don’t want to now just get out my face.

Kai: excuse me?

Helene enters.

HELENE: Hi baby! I’ve missed you so much. Come here.

Kai: how are you doing?

HELENE: I’ve missed you so much im so happy you got here.

Michael: whoa whoa whoa!

HELENE: Michael, what’s goin on?

Michael: what the fucking hell do you mean what’s going on?

Kai: he was trying to throw me out.

Michael: what the hell do you think you’re doing dragging a fucking tranny to dad’s birthday! Jesus Christ a bloody tranny look at him.

HELENE: You DON’T stand there and call kai a tranny do you understand me?

Michael: relax… I’ve got everything under control.

*Helene hits Michael… *

HELENE: you’re facing sick in the head you know that Michael, you fucking Nazi prick! You fascist!

Poul enters

POUL: you haven’t seen my car keys have you?

Michael: no we haven’t poul

POUL: I feel on the praecipe this evening you know, very close to a complete collapse.

HELENE: do as you please poul.

*All settle at the dinner table.*

Poul: I suffer from extreme depressions and this isn’t helping one bit.

Helmut: poul please, be quiet and join in.

HELENE: this is my boyfriend mum. Kai this is my mother.

Else: welcome my girl, welcome.

Kai; hello

Else: it’s not fancy dress dear...

HELENE: no mum, that’s how kai dresses.

- EAT MEAL.

ELSES SPEECH...

Else: “speaking of which I would like to welcome Kylie.

HELENE: Kai mum.

Christians 3rd speech…

Moment before: Helena is still angry with Michael for how he treated kai.

ACT 2, SCENE 2 objective: to protect kai from being dragged into trouble by her brothers. Protect Christian as he is as vulnerable as he is beginning to exploit the truth.

Inner monologue: “please don’t hurt kai, Michael please don’t hurt Christian.”

Obstacles: Michaels fascist views, Christian exploiting helge to Michael.

Christian: I just want to say one more thing!

Kai: what are you doing?

Christian: you were at boarding school!

Michael: keep your nose out!

HELENE: Michael what are you going to do!?

Christian: you don’t know shit about anything!

Kai: what are you going to do? Tuck him in? Kiss him goodnight? I don’t think so!

*Michael let’s go of Christian an walks to kai*

Michael: have you got a problem,

Christian: you know it’s true

HELENE: don’t Michael! Don’t Michael! Please Michael!

…………………………………………………

Kai: To your brother. To Christian.

Michael: why don’t you get up and make a speech then eh?

HELENE: stop it plisse Michael.

Kai: what?

HELENE: MICHAEL. ENOUGH.

Michael: speech!

Kai: don’t tempt me.

*homophobic song is being sung by everyone.*

Kai: what is this?

HELENE: it’s a fuckin homophobic song

Kai: fuck you!

Helge: else.

*Michael goes to start a fight with kai*

HELENE: Michael no, no. no. leave it.

Helmut: Christian:

HELENE: I just want to go home, I really want to go home.

Exit.

Michael & Helmut leave Christian and return into the house...

Daddy’s birthday reprise.

Christian: what’s that? Who’s there?

Kai: everything will work out fine.

HELENE: you’re not fucking helping.

Kai: what?

HELENE: I don’t know, just get away from me. My head, my head hurts. There are some tablets in my bag can you get them for me? I just want to go home now.

CONGA:

IT’S DADDYS BIRTHDAY….

Little girl: its daddy’s birthday…

Christian: Linda?

Little girl: mummy? Mummy?

Little girl exits.

Christian: come here.

HELENE: I can’t stand this. I just want to go home.

Act 3, SCENE 2.

Moment before:

ACT 3, SCENE 2 objective: to go home, not be around for when the truth is revealed.

Inner monologue: “I need to tell the truth about my sister an exploit my father”

Obstacle: embarrassment, what Michael/helge may do to me/ would people even believe me?

Kai: everything will be fine. I know it. I can feel it.

HELENE: are you sure?

Kai: trust me.

Kai: Christian my man.

HELENE: Christian…

Christian: what time is it?

HELENE: I don’t know where Michael is?

*Christian shows Helene the letter.*

Christian: you dropped something. You should be more careful.

HELENE: Christian…

· CONGA ENTEERS THE ROOM “DADDYS BIRTHDAY” BEING SUNG...

Helge: well, well, well you’ve still got it after all these years.

Helmut: I can keep going for longer than you think helge.

Else: you’re not going are you?

HELENE: yes.

Else: no, don’t go.

HELENE: I want to go home.

Helmut: I love these family traditions. Look! Adder the dance a note appears on the toastmaster’s glass. And there it is! “A certain man urges his sister to read a letter to her father.”

Are you feeling shy Helena? Well it’s kind of your brother to get you started. Well it seems there’s peace in the family again. So let’s all give Helena a hand.

Michael: go on Helene

Pouk: go on then dear

Cousin Hugo: don’t be shy.

· Helena tries to leave but is surrounded- she knows she has to read this letter.

HELENE: it’s um. This is from my sister…

· READ LETTER*

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alxxkim · 6 years

Text

December 2

I’m currently listening to Overwhelming while eating candy corn Jin got me for my bday (so its been a month and yet) and I feel like I have a lot to say that I don’t have someone to tell to all in one sitting so here it goes. A few weeks ago I decided to stay at Biola for the spring but now I am having second thoughts. I am WAY happier at school away from my family/house and the thought of living at home 24/7 aka how summer was aka hell makes me actually want to kill myself. I really hope that there’s a chance Karina and I both go to Fullerton so we can have a place together. It sounds so fantastical but also just imagining how amazing my life would be is just all I am looking forward to. I think that I am going to end up enrolling late and not get any classes I want because people have already signed up for classes and most are full lo l but yeah. I am suffering from writer’s block. I tried writing tonight and I actually started crying as I was singing but it just didn’t feel right. I really want to write songs that I can 100% sing-cry to and make it feel so right. I just haven’t found it yet.I wonder how Jon Bellion wrote these songs haha. His lyrics are just so fucking wholesome and relevant to so many aspects of my life. Listening to him tho makes me feel so fucking confused cause the first time I saw him, I was “happy” and brown haired and dating John and the last time I saw him in September I was black haired, single, and broken. I still am those three things. Work has taken over my life again. I am scheduled Friday-Sunday for the next 2 weeks and as $$ as that made me think I was be, honestly it just doesn’t feel worth it right now. Granted, when I get paid, I will probably feel otherwise. I’ve been telling myself and others that I am okay with things with John. I honestly can’t fucking tell what I am. I obviously miss him. I am doing fine without him, I will keep doing fine without him, but I miss having that person. I guess it’s slowly transitioning to the point where you miss the feelings and not the actual person. But just typing that made me realize how false that is. I miss John a lot. He was so funny and caring and loved me so much. I honestly think I can now realize that he loved me just as much as I loved him. And I loved him so fucking much. Just being next to him made everything okay. The night my mom found an empty cartridge in my room and messaged me about it asking and I thought I was done for, and all I did was just cry, John was just there and as terrified as I was, I was okay because of him. I think its because its December and the holidays are coming and last winter was probably one of the best parts of my life so far. My 6 week winter break was full of shabu, Fiona, my new polaroid, and just freedom. I was so happy I had Sen Nick and Tyler. I was so happy I had my friends at home. Everything was just so nice. And I had the plan to go to slo with Faith before break ended, and it was just so nice. I miss that feeling of being so excited to see John again. As hard and fucking unfair the distance was being with him obviously made it worth it. I wish I realized how unhappy John was. But there’s nothing I could’ve done. And I need to accept that so that I can stop hating myself for not being better. Maybe I need to take the next semester off. Maybe I just need to find new things I could enjoy. I don’t think I want to go to Disneyland next week with my family. My sister isn’t talking to me again. I feel like the family is broken again but its just with me. I’m slowly turning back into the person I was during the summer. There are so many people in my past that I want to rekindle things with and just fucking get a meal to catch up, but I can never do that. I don’t want to talk about John I don’t want to talk about how unhappy and depressed I am. But I am so tired of pretending like everything is okay. I feel like deleting all social media again. Looking on insta after shifts is just shit because I just feel this urge to fucking post but i have nothing to post because I spent my night inside working. Last night was really fun though. I got off work at around 11 I think and came home and showered and was just going to be on my phone for hours till I was okay enough to sleep. I knew Shin wanted to fuck haha but I told him that I felt like shit so he called me and asked what was up and why I’m depressed. He actually listened even though I was barely telling him everything because then he would probably think I’m insane if he doesn’t already but yeah he told me to just focus on things I love and that it really helps. It’s so admirable how much he loves working out and playing basketball. But yeah we talked for nearly an hour until he decided to get me and I came outside when he said he was here and as I walked out i noticed he was outside walking to me and he gave me a hug and we drove behind Target and sat there for maybe like 30 min just talking and listening to jbel and the script LOL HE SANG THIS ONE SONG SO FUCKING LOUD he said hes never sung that loudly in front of anyone before hahaha i wish i knew what song it was but i will cause he plays it daily. i just hate asking so im gonna have to snake a peek at his phone the next time it plays. my toes were rlly cold and so he started warming my right foot with his hands and blew air into them a lot haha it was so cute and he gave me a dank ass fucking foot massage holy shit. it hurt like a bitch but in the best way possible. my feet/ankles are always so fucked when i work. so it was especially dank. I also didn’t wear makeup and he said I look better without makeup haha i was like ooooooooooooooooooooook but rlly yeah i was happy he said that especially because I’ve been wearing makeup daily because I just hate myself without it. But that day I had a bare face and actually felt okay. He kissed me and he kept saying how he loves kissing me so much. Omg and we made out to jon b like im sorry but it was fucking amazing. ok we also fucked to him too HAHAHAHA And then kevin told us to cruise outside cydni’s house cause him paul and esther were smoking so we went and as we pulled up, paul looked at us through his open window and we both laughed in the same explosive way HAHAHAHAH and they told us to shut the fuck up jk they just sushed us ahahahah omfg. it was just too gold. i really don’t want to ever smoke in front of shin again but yeah I couldn’t just say no to weed haha so we hit a piece which burned the shit out of my throat and I was pretty faded I guess and shin kept coughing cause we werent hotboxing the car but it was still potent and i felt bad :( and he was like IS SECONDHAND FADED A THING hahahaha and esther had her juul so i hit that and then we left the car to smoke and i smoked a stoog. oh yeah so immediately after we got out of the car to walk to their car in the beginning, we were just standing outside their car as they were sitting inside and shin like immediately took off his jacket (the warm flannel we got at pacsun whom he loves) and gave it to me even tho he was wearing a tshirt and shorts ugh. i took it off before smoking cause i didn’t want it to smell so he put it back on and he was like “you can wear it once youre done smoking” haha. and he offered to give it back on the way back to his car but i said i was ok. then on the drive to my house i stuck my body out the window to vent out the smell LOL and it was cold as fuck but felt cool esp with shin’s crazy ass driving hahahahah and i was like i wish you had a sunroof and he was like “yeah thats my bad” and i was like NO BITCH IM NOT TRYING TO COMPLAIN ITS NOT UR BAD I MJSUT SAYING lol and shin has told me how much he hates smoking and the extent of it and how its so unattractive to kiss someone whos smoked so im like welp but as i was getting out of the car he was like yeah fuck u u smell i aint kissing you and i made a pout as i was getting out and he was like no wait and he kissed my cheek hehe. and before that he asked if i was feeling better and i said yes and thanked him and he said yeah of course anytime in a tone like ofc bitch. haha i love when he kisses my head T^T but yeah i came home around 4:40 or however long it took to get to my house and I was happy and hickey’d up and i was just so happy we ended up doing that.

i slept right before 7am and woke up like 11 so yeah i barely slept which is probably why i felt so off today. but i just stayed in bed till my hair cut which was at 2 and kathy was so shocked to see i cut my bangs LOL going on and on about how i never wanted bangs and then i do it and i WISH I DID NOT TRIM THEM LAST WEEK CAUSE THEYRE SO SHORT NOW CAUSE THEY WERE SO UNEVEN AND I LOWKEY HATE MY HAIR AND I WISH I DIDNT GET IT CUT SHORT UGH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE but im gonna work with it and we’ll see. I wanna change my hair color again but idk what to change it to. Then i went to emily’s and we picked up at unity and smoked and caught up and she was doing her interior design homework and i had to leave cause of work which sucked cause i just wanted to actually hang out but i covered shin’s shift today cause he spent all day studying so im glad i got to help him out and if it were anyone else’s shift i would’ve hated myself lol. but he didn’t call me until like 1 or something but i knew he would call eventually and he said he wanted to finish his work early so we could’ve hung out but he has way too much and so we just talked but i could barely talk cause my bitchass sister always fucking goes off about how inconsiderate i am so yeah lmao but yeah and i told him i got off work early to which he said he knew cause i got home around 11 and i ate and he calculated it and theres no way i couldve eaten after getting off at 10:30 and got home HAHAH like he cared enough to think about that.... and then i told him i have work tomorrow 11:30-5 and he said then maybe he’ll come bring me boba

i dont expect him to but maybe he will im so fucking over work

i cant believe its already sunday tomorrow and i have to go back to school for chapel i think. fucking kill me. i just want to have free time

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