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wonderlandwalker · 4 months

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Frozen Solid | Finnick Odair x Reader

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Summary: Your past is haunting you, but Finnick is there to remind you it's going to be okay

Content Warnings/Tags: Nightmares, trauma, ANGST, character death, happy ending though dw, hypothermia, mentions of violence

Word Count: 2.6k

Requested by Anon: Do you think you could do something fluffy with Finnick Odair x Víctor! Reader where the readers games were in the extreme cold and they say something like “I don’t think I’ll ever be warm again” to Finnick

A/N: Please send me more requests! I am dying to keep writing but I don't have any more ideas. Also my spell check keeps telling me it's 'realized' not 'realised' and now I'm doubting my entire knowledge of the English language. Did not read this after writing it so praying my brain worked properly

To say the games left you with issues would be an understatement. But this particular memory always seemed to keep haunting you. Maybe that was because this had happened before you taught yourself to close yourself off from your problems. Maybe it was because you hadn't figured out how to find closure yet.

Maybe it was because you were still afraid. Afraid of the tribute towering over you. Even though you weren't a kid that hadn't hit your grow spurt anymore. Even though you weren't that defenseless, innocent child anymore. The tribute was still bigger, and simply the memories made you feel powerless.

The familiar trees surrounded you, but they didn't make you feel safe like they used to before. A layer of snow covered the leaves like a warm blanket, except it was anything but. You were shivering, trembling, not sure which one. So you ran, your fight or flight instincts trying to contradict the memory

So you ran from the man who had said he would help you. You ran from your problem. You ran from your fear.

But it didn't work, it never did. You ran out of the forest, but before you even realized, you were right back inside. Every time you ran you just got stuck again. But they were all different spots. All the ones where you had camped for the night, all the places where you sat silently, too scared to light a fire to warm yourself, not willing to take the risk of eating any food that needed cooking. They all made their way into your imagination, but they all had one thing in common, they made you feel afraid. For most, you thought, childhood memories should resemble a sense of ease, of making you feel secure.

But that feeling had disappeared for you when you first entered the arena. You could still see it in front of you as if it was a crystal clear picture. Your platform had come to a stop, and at first, you were blinded by the light, the bright sun. Your mind had tricked you into thinking the sun meant warmth, and comfort. But when your eyes adjusted, and you saw the frozen lake you were placed over. You saw the cornucopia, on a frosted island in the middle. It had weapons and food, but most importantly, it had thick coats and fur blankets. You wonder sometimes if you should have gotten one, if it would have helped you, but the risk was too great, so once you heard the canon, you immediately ran in the opposite direction, for the forest behind you.

The first thing you did was look for a freshwater source, but everything, everything, was frozen. When you had become desperate, you had started to punch a hole into the thick ice. It took a long time before you broke through the surface, your hands weren't strong enough, but you didn't give up. There was a small crack, and it gave you hope to continue. When you had managed to get to the water, your knuckles were bleeding, and you could see bruises starting to form. But it didn't matter. You had done it. You cupped your hands into the water and felt the cold come over them once again. It was soothing, in a way. Your hands had become warm from the strain, but it was the first time you had felt any sense of warmth since you entered, so you were disappointed to lose it.

You brought the water to your lips, and took a sip from it. You could feel it course through your body, and while it satisfied your thirst, it felt as if there was ice inside your veins. You had been cold up to now, but it was nothing compared to this. You could feel your insides losing temperature from the icy water.

You saw him walking your way, and even if you tried to forget, you could see his face in so many details. From his freckles that you had always admired to the dark look that filled his eyes as he came closer

You knew there was no use in running, but you still did, not wanting to confront him, having avoided doing so for as long as you can now remember. But all it did was pull you back into the forest.

He came from the same district as you, he had said you reminded him of his little sister, and he had offered a pact. You still weren't sure why, you didn't have much to offer him. But now you guess it must have been his own memories, his own innocence wanting to help the girl that you made him think of, made him think there was still good left in him. And so you accepted, and in a way, you were grateful, because you never would have won without him, but the turmoil that stuck with you was heartbreaking. Maybe it would have been easier if it had all been over then.

He was still walking towards you, and even though he wasn't saying a word, you could tell what was going on inside his head. You could see it by the way he walked, how his arms stayed tightly next to his body. You could even hear him yelling at you in your head.

You walked backwards until you hit one of the trees. You started calling out for help, even though you were fully aware no one would come. There was no one else left. You screamed, asking for someone to help you, and the fear made your voice shiver. You knew it was the fear this time. Your body had stopped shaking from the cold after a few days. You had thought that was it, your body had given up, the cold finally having overpowered it.

You stood up, scrambling to your feet. For once, you felt warm again, you felt the blood dilating your vessels, but you knew better than to get hope. You have seen this. You had seen this in other tributes. Your body making a last attempt to warm you up, giving you a boost of power right before it would all be over. In a way you were grateful, it would finally be over. You didn't even want to win anymore, you just wanted to be warm.

But your instincts still told you to run, and with the extra energy coursing through you, you did.

You ran to the frozen lake, to where it had all begun, it was the only thing you could think of to go to. You ran, you ran until could no longer even feel your legs moving. He followed behind you, of course he did. He was close behind, but you were smaller, you were leaner, and you might not have as much stamina, but when it came to a fast sprint you could only just outrun him. You didn't even watch where you were going anymore. The more you ran, the colder you started to feel again. You wanted to stop, to not lose any more. To keep this little bit you had been given, but you weren't sure it would even stay if you did.

The trees started to disappear, and before you knew it, you were on the lake. When you had first gotten here, the lake had seemed peaceful, tranquil. But now, it was nothing short of a battlefield. The bodies might have been taken away, but the blood still stained the ice, and the axes and spears still stuck out of it like weeds disturbing the carefully crafted landscape.

You ran as far as your fleeting body could carry you. You felt it before you saw it. Ice freezing cold. This was it, this was the end. It wasn't a haven to be at peace, it was even colder than you had been. Your clothes were clinging to your body like the blankets of snow you had first noticed. Your hair was stuck to your forehead and your neck.

You remember in the beginning, when you would run, and you would sweat. It was the first time you had carefully appreciated it in your life, the warm droplets gracing your skin. But not anymore, if your body even had the energy to sweat, it was cold, it stuck to you like the first rain of autumn. The brisk wind in combination only making you shiver more.

So you opened your eyes, if this was the end you had hoped for, you didn't want it anymore. You opened your eyes and focused on your senses. You saw the lake, but it had risen. You had fallen in it. You looked around you and saw the cracks in the frozen surface.

The fights, the violence, it hadn't just taken a toll on you. The ice was suffering just as much. It was hard to see from the snow that covered it, but from where you were, you could see it from the footsteps that had disturbed it. You looked behind you, and you saw him again. He had seen you fall in, and halted. You could see relief come over him. Relief that he wouldn't be the one to have to kill you, that the water would do it for him. You almost felt bad for him, he hadn't wanted any of this either. And if you had been in his situation, you weren't sure you wouldn't have done the same thing.

But the water was your friend, at least it used to be.

In your district, you grew up surrounded by it. Going to the sea in the summer, swimming until the sun went down. You remember you used to get so cold when it disappeared and you were left on the beach alone. But now you longed for it.

So you swam, you swam until you felt your hands meet the solid surface of ice again. You had been light before you came here, the lack of food taking a toll on everyone you know, but it was worse now. The only thing you knew how to get was fish. You knew how to fish, but anything else you had counted on was not there. There were no berries on trees, there were no plants that could survive in this environment. And so your frame had become even slimmer. Your arms were trembling as you tried to lift yourself. You weren't sure if you would manage. This couldn't be the end. If it ended like this, your body would float away in the water like the ice that was floating on it, and you would always be cold.

With a surge of motivation, you lifted yourself onto the surface and as soon as you did you fell down on your back. You looked up, thinking you had done it, you could rest now. You looked up at the sky, the sun was there, but you didn't trust it anymore.

You heard something else move, and it made your head snap up. He was still there.

He considered his steps, he couldn't reach you from where he was. But it was just the two of you, and something had to give. So he walked around the hole you had fallen into. He traced around it. He stood in the footsteps that had already been placed in the snow.

But you didn't care anymore. You had gotten yourself out of the water, and you laid your head back down, looking back at the sun. Trying to recall the memories it held. But you couldn't feel it anymore, you couldn't feel the radiating heat. So you made peace with being cold, at least it would be over soon.

If he had left you be, your body probably would have given up before his did. But he wanted it to be over too, he didn't want to wait any longer. He took another step, and you could hear the crack that echoed through the empty space. You looked at him, and you saw him realising his mistake as it happened. The footsteps had looked like a path, but really, they were weak spots. The steps had caused the ice strain, and it had decided it had had enough.

The cracking sound continued, until you could see the ice start to get lopsided. It started to slide towards the open water you had fallen into. You could see his eyes plead, he had convinced himself he had already won, and he was watching all his hopes disappear with one shift of snow. He fell in the water, but he wasn't friends with it. He trashed and tried to move forward, but his body was too broad, and all it did was exhaust him further. You wanted to reach out for him, to help him. You knew the cold that engulfed the water and you didn't want him to die that way. But all it would do was drag you in with him, and you found yourself watching. You watched him as his head sank under, you kept watching as if he'd come back out. You watched until you heard the last canon.

It made you feel even colder. You thought it was over. But you could feel your heart stop, it didn't stop beating, it stopped giving you warmth. The last piece you had, had sunken down with him. Your head was filled with panic. You would never feel warm again, you don't think your body knew how to anymore, and your mind was too frozen over to even try. And just as you felt your heart slow down, just as you thought you would die in this permanent state of despair, you heard a voice calling out to you

It sounded familiar, but you couldn't place it. It felt like a star calling to you, telling you to follow it into the sky, to fly, to be free, free of this fear.

It told you to wake up.

Before you knew it the smell of pine left you, being replaced with a mix of sea salt and jasmine, it smelt like home

You felt someone shaking you lightly, and you realised the smell wasn't bound to your surroundings, but the person that was next to you.

"Sweetheart, you need to wake up, you keep shaking." He told you in a sleepy, but still gentle voice.

As you started to get a better concept of your environment, you realised that in your distraught state, you had woken him up.

"I didn't mean to wake you I'm sorry, I know you haven't been sleeping well lately." You said, guilt already entering your mind.

"Hey, look at me, don't you dare apologise" He looked at you as if your worry pained him, and you couldn't stop the next words from leaving you.

"I'm scared I'll never be warm again Finnick" You started to cry, and he took you into his arms.

"If you're having nightmares, I will stay up with you until the sun rises again." He smiled down at you. And that's when you realized, he wasn't a star in the sky, he was the sun, he was your sun. His smile warmed you, and his arms around you made you believe again. He was your sun, and as long as you had him, he would warm you.

#finnick odair fic #finnick odair x reader #finnick odair x y/n #finnick odair x you #finnick x reader #finnick x y/n #finnick x you #finnick angst #finnick odair angst #finnick odair fluff #finnick odair fanfic #finnick fanfic #hunger games #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #finnick fluff #finnick imagine #finnick odair imagine #angst #fluff

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stardustdiiving · 4 months

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I would love to hear more about your thoughts regarding Wanderer being trans whenever you find the time to write about it more!

(follow up to this post)

AWESOME. okay. So. This got super long and I keep nitpicking if it clearly says every single thought that goes through my head or not so I’m just going to post it

There’s many interpretations about this headcanon I enjoy, but one particular angle I would find interesting to explore that I’ll pitch here is basically centered on a characterization where Wanderer’s internal relationship with his own transness is very tied with his non-humanness, maybe even more so than his gender.

The appeal of this angle for me is essentially having a character’s queerness tie into genshin’s overarching themes about identity & personhood, especially in regards to the relationship between divinity & humanity—themes that obviously apply to Scaramouche (and also basically every other not human genshin character I can think of that people generally agree are engaging characters)

Scaramouche (which name I use for him is intentional & reflects what era of his life I’m talking about) to me is someone who basically enforces a sense of apathy over his own emotions, especially ones relating to his sense of identity—he seeks godhood in hopes of being able to purge himself clean of experiencing (human) emotions, and therefore the vulnerability & trauma he associates with having them.

Intuitively I can see him feeling a similar conscious apathy about his gender: I see him as viewing gender identity as a “too human” trait and therefore something he’s above, basically—which is really a deeper deflection of his own insecurities with his personhood/identity.

So to Scaramouche, internally, anything about his transition or transness is less about gender and actually far more about his desire to obtain godhood, and this is a mental narrative he really sticks to because it fits in comfortably with his hatred of humans and desire for a purpose/identity for his existence as a non human entity “without a heart”.

If this were a fic I were writing, Scaramouche would undergo a lot of physical/medical transitioning during his time as a Harbringer and he would essentially be narrating & viewing anything gender affirming thing he does as him becoming closer to godhood and further from being human. This would contrast how I’d portray Kabukimono earlier on in his arc—where I imagine Kabukimono took on a lot of social transitions based on observing humans and building a sense for what human things he liked to participate in or mimic.

Kabukimono, in a manner similar to Scaramouche, might sometimes categorize some of his transness as relating to being more of a puppet/nonhuman origin thing than a gender thing, (ie getting gender dysphoria from having long hair but rationalizing it has more to do with not wanting to look like Ei), Kabukimono was more in a position of building towards his transness being a positive thing that affirmed him his sense of personhood & sense of belonging with others. By the time Scaramouche reaches the point of resenting humans, and in turn resenting his own sense of humanity in his arc, he needs to establish all parts of his identity as the farthest thing from human as possible

The irony, however, that I’d highlight in the hypothetical fic of this, is that Scaramouche’s experiences with his transness are narrated as being things no one could ever understand because of how inhuman he is—while in practice you see a lot of his trans experiences are actually pretty common ones many trans people would understand.

So like, Dottore does his canon typical physical experiments/modifications on Scaramouche, and the entire time Scara is undergoing but also gloating the entire time how he’s able to endure this because he’s not as weak as humans are—and this continues when, at Scara’s request, Dottore gives him Evil Mad Scientist Top Surgery, and he’s having this snide internal monologue about how godlike he is because of all the inhuman ways he can physically modify and mold his body to be to his liking, and then suddenly he looks in a mirror and sees himself with a flat chest for the first time and just has… like, a moment of very genuine happiness with feeling more like himself for the first time, and processing all the ways he can exist more comfortably in his body without having to work around dysphoria constantly. He imagines himself existing among humans in these brief thoughts without even realizing it, and the idea is this is written in a way that makes him sound very human—and how he seems happier when he lets himself be.

Meanwhile Dottore in the background is just, very nonchalant about this and makes some bored comment about they ought to not delay more important procedures any further if he wants to ascend to godhood anytime soon. Scaramouche kind of snaps out of it & back into his usual sort of headspace/mindset and kind of sneers at him how this was a far more significant step in ascending to godhood than Dottore could ever understand.

And after he says this he mentally pauses, because he really hadn’t been thinking of it like that before—and then wonders if it was true, because it wasn’t an experiment that made him feel more powerful like the other ones had. What he feels now is something other than more powerful—but there’s not really any other explanation for this reaction. More godly, maybe. It makes him feel not more powerful, but closer to what he wants—which is a god.

So from there my idea is Scaramouche kind of…attributes the joy associated with his top surgery, and other similar major landmarks in his transition, with his pursuit of godhood. It spurs him on to want to be a god even more, because it's solidified in his mind as the one thing he really needs to be himself/truly happy

And then he does finally reach godhood—and is plugged into the Everlasting Lord of Arcane Wisdom’s body, he’s just finds himself feeling disappointed.

He has this minor mental crisis about it where he’s not unsatisfied—he’s more exhilarated than he has ever felt in his entire life, because he feels unspeakably powerful in the way he should be. It /is/ everything he wanted, and he savors the sheer triumph and power of the movement, but it’s just not the same. It’s not enough to make him regret what it took to get here but he’s really frustrated, because he doesn’t feel happy. Which is not an emotion Scaramouche really cares about, but even one thing he wants being somewhat out of his reach when he had hoped to suppress all the unpleasantness of having emotions is deeply unpleasant for him.

I think the next time Scaramouche really feels something close to what he’d been missing is post Inversion of Genesis, after he becomes the Wanderer.

In this narrative I think it would be an extra kick in the face that Dottore had helped him with part of his transition while Scaramouche watches Dottore kill Niwa, where Dottore basically affirms Scara’s dehumanization while Niwa insists on affirming his humanity with his dying breath. There’s the obvious violation violation of realizing someone basically sabotaged your support systems to isolate/alienate you from the world, then manipulated and groomed you into joining the fatui so they could experiment on you for their own satisfaction and intrigue, but he also finds himself grappling with recontextualizing alot of his interactions with Dottore, and coming to this conclusion that Dottore was only ever vaguely interested in Scaramouche’s potential for godhood, and doesn’t care about…this other part of why that was important to Scaramouche as a person. (Which is his transness, basically)

It’s not that he ever believed Dottore cared about him or wasn’t pursuing his own interests, but I think recontextualizing how dehumanizing Dottore’s treatment + view of him is, forces him to really pick apart his transness vs desire for godhood, and realize there’s sort of a distinction between the two he hadn’t been making.

Post IoG I think this line of thinking, along with learning Niwa hadn’t betrayed him making him hate humans much less, lets Wanderer start developing a much healthier relationship with his transness, and also just his entire identity in general. He can reconcile with his own humanity, which lets him reflect on himself more, and I think eventually he can come to an answer on why becoming god wasn’t what he needed to be happy with himself + his gender.

So essentially I’d write present day Wanderer as being more comfortable with his gender than Scaramouche would be. If I were to apply our contemporary English labels/language to his gender I think he’d more or less jsut view himself as a trans guy, but I guess by technicality has a sort of “non binary” gender bc he just doesn’t view himself in terms of human binaries due to being a puppet?? That’s just my own characterization tho. All in all I bend characterizations of characters’ queerness in line with what whatever sort of transformative work I feel like doing so this isn’t even the only way I’d write trans Wanderer. Just usually the one I go off the most when portraying him as a character

#additional thing. in my og post I mentioned I kind of default view Wanderer as trans whenever I portray him in my fan works right #u can absolutely do a trans reading of the fic I wrote based off this concept of Wanderer/Makoto resemblance #I have thoughts on a more active trans reading of it that I did actually consider while writing it #even tho there wasn’t rlly a way for me to like mention wanderer’s transness naturally in the text #scaramouche #wanderer #Genshin #fandomferns #gender impact #asks #fern.txt

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shiorilizzy · 1 month

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My thoughts about Wriothesley

Literally my thoughts about him, and his personality when I play the game.

He had a wonderful childhood, before he knew the truth. He thought he was the lucky child in the world, had been adopted and lived happily with silbling.

Based on his personality when we get close to him (and his sense of humor), I think he used to be a talkative child. Not the energetic one but the one who has a positive, extrovert vibe. I can image Wriothesley, in the past, giving newcomers a sweet and encouraging smile while walking them around the house.

So well-behaved *sob*

His smile used to be so pure and sweet, kind. I think in a normal life, Wriothesley could be a kind entrepreneur or a nice, helpful officer. He is easy-going and willing to help others.

So when he knew the truth, it devasted him. Imagine your dear parents, your saviors, your most loved ones, you used to swear that you would protect them when you grow up, but actually use you like livestock. He would feel like a clown. He was furious from the betrayal. I’m sure it ruins every memory, warm feeling of him about childhood. I can imagine how struggling he was (or is) to endure the thought that his dear memory was nothing but fake.

Think about a lively teenager who suddenly lost everything. He couldn’t rely on anybody or anything. He must be angry so much. Why now? Why did they lie? Why they were careless to let him know the truth? Why?

I think Wriothesley, sometimes, just sometimes, wishes that he could die without knowing the truth. So he could remain as a pure boy who had a beautiful childhood.

But nothing can undo, his memory about his childhood now was stained by the dirty truth. He may talk about his past with ease now but it still bothers him.

After all those years, he still healing and comforting his wounds. He avoids touching it or digs deeper into it. He even doesn’t connect with any of his “silblings”, knowing that helping them could hurt him more.

Living in the fortress taught him that everyone has their own story, their own reason, well most of them. So do his “parents”, but he doesn’t want to understand that, he doesn’t want to empathize with them. If he does, who will empathize with him? Who will bring back his pure childhood to him? Who will let him have a life as a “clean profile” citizen? No one. So just let him despite them.

That’s why he went himself to the criminal house in the teaser. He wants to protect that child’s world so she can live a happy life, unlike him. When that girl gets older, she will understand her father's guilt.

Although Wriothesley is an easy and sassy guy, he will bonk whoever tells children that Santa Clause isn’t real.

Overall, Wriothesley is deeply hurt and he is trying his best to heal that trauma. I know every character in Genshin has an unforgettable past but hyv did really well at Wriothesley’s. I can feel his pain and struggle through every single line. (or maybe because I like him too much ig lmao)

Wriothesley is smart with craft things. If whoever plays Tears of Themis, you will understand what I mean. Wriothesley plays with materials just like Luke. We can bring him a broken clock and he will fix it as if his hobby. Maybe he will even add more functions to that clock lmao. (Something like an alarm when is tea-time).

Wriothesley admits that he has trust issues and most of his friends are not human. I guess they are Melusines. They may be weird a little bit and cannot understand or act like humans, but Wriothesley can trust them since they are not as greedy as humans

As a happy boy he used to be, Wriothesley loves playing =))) He enjoys his daytime with many entertainment. He will delay work till night if it’s not urgent. He is smart enough to be lazy.

One more reason is he wants to sleep faster. If he does the work at night, it will drain his energy. As soon as he flops on the bed, he falls asleep. Better if he is tired enough that he can’t even dream of anything. He doesn’t want to sleep alone in bed, thinking about his life, past life.

Omg please Wrio let me hug you. I will pamper you into sleep every night QAQ.

Lmao he has a sweet tooth. I thought he likes the bitterness of the tea when I heard that he drinks it usually until I see this. Ptff men are just bigger boys.

#genshin impact #wriothesley genshin #wriothesley headcanons

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fiction-giga · 2 years

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"I’ll keep you safe, I promise"

30 Day Blurb Prompt Challenge - Making them feel comfortable

blurb prompt link here

Day 2 - tucking the sheets around them when they stir during the night.

Eddie Munson x Fem!reader

Warnings - Nightmares, Survivors guilt, Somniphobia, Mentions of other characters death (Chrissy)

Word Count - 1310

GIF by robynnnhooddd

Sleeping after the rather…violent events in the Upside Down was not an easy feat. It was challenging, everyone taking home their own trauma, different from everyone else’s experience. Although one person took the brunt of the weight. And that person was Eddie.

After having to watch Chrissy die a miserable death, not being able to help or stop it in any way was the start. Then being hunted by the entire town, swimming through a portal to an unknown dimension, and then sacrificing himself. Nay, tried to sacrifice himself.

You had spoken about it to each other. Your thoughts and feelings being communicated and heard. His thoughts were darker than you could have imagined. You didn't want to think about those nasty things swimming around in his beautiful head, but it was something that could not be avoided. So every once in a while you would try to talk to him. Show that you were still up for communication, but he never shared his true feelings again after letting himself be completely vulnerable that one night many moons ago.

To sum it all up, Eddie was living with severe survivor's guilt. He expressed to you that after waking up in the comfort of your room instead of the after life had originally frustrated him. Not in an angry way, but in an, "I'm tired of this," way. He just wanted it to be over, scared that if he opened his eyes and looked around, Vecna would be the one standing over him and not you.

You had dragged his body from the Upside Down with little to no help from Dustin since his leg was practically broken in two. Waiting for Steve, Nancy, and Robin to get back wasn’t an option. So you dug your heels in the ground and drug him out of that hell yourself. Dragged him all the way to the other side of the park to your trailer. You patched him up as best as you could, and luckily for you, it worked.

Eddie though, he carried so much weight. It was something he refused to let go of, like a child with their teddy bear. It was something that he felt like he needed to live with, instead of moving on.

Everyone else had grieved, dealt with their individual pains in a somewhat healthy way. Steve, Robin, Nancy, Johnathan, and Dustin filled that grieving hole with countless hours of community service and volunteer work.

Lucas and Erica tended to stay by Max’s side in the hospital as much as they possibly could.

Mike, Joyce, Hopper, and Eleven worked on building up her powers again. Doing little training exercises deep in the forest where no one would find them. Bonding, like a real family would.

Will was casted off to do his own thing, but luckily for him, Dustin introduced him to Gareth and the other guys in Hellfire, and he fit right in.

Hell, even you have taken up some new hobbies, distracting yourself with small tasks that help you feel accomplished when complete. But Eddie? Eddie stood frozen in time.

He no longer had an interest in playing guitar, says that when he plays it he gets flashbacks to that night. He no longer wants to play D&D no matter how long the boys pester him for a new campaign, he doesn’t budge. He refuses to listen to metal, or any music for that matter. Claims that the heavy guitar riffs are too loud and can sometimes sound exactly like a Demobat screech or the drums reminding him of the sound of Chrissy’s bones snapping. Everything that made Eddie Eddie, was gone. He was just a shell of the person you once knew and loved.

You're always there to comfort him. Trying your hardest to just be patient with him. Some days are easy, others are not. But you still love him, no matter what happens.

But the worst part for Eddie, the one thing you feel sympathetic towards, is his sleeping. Or a lack thereof.

Before that night, Eddie wasn’t the best sleeper. His schedule ranged from crazy times, sometimes even staying up all night just to finish a campaign and then sleeping all through school. But now, he just doesn’t sleep.

You're beyond worried for his health. His under eyes were a dark shade of red. His eyes drooped into a new, sleepy shape. Wrinkles appeared on his face, his attention span non-existent. His mood swings worse than ever before.

He claims that every time he shuts his eyes, flashes of Vecna’s cruel face appear. His screams of agony echo through his dream state. He relives it every time his eyes shut.

Every night, without fail, he finds something to do. Something to keep his mind occupied. Something to keep him awake. You’ve pleaded and begged him to at least try, and some nights he agrees. Others are forms no’s. You even suggested some sleeping supplements or even a sleep study, but he shoots the idea down. You respect him and his wishes, sleep coming easier to you seeing as this wasn’t your first rodeo.

You had always had nightmares about the upside down, but you had time to adjust. The past three years the events have increased in size, allowing you a bit of wiggle room. But Eddie was just thrown into the violence with no time to ask questions.

However, tonight was different. The house was dead silent. Last you had spoken to Eddie, he was headed into your shared bedroom to start re-reading The Return of The King again.

Now reading may seem like a quiet activity but not when Eddie is the one behind the book. He always finds a way to make some noise, alerting you that he was in fact, still awake.

But it was deathly silent. You could hear the trailer settle, the quiet wind whistling outside, crickets croaking loudly in the night. You furrowed your eyebrows, looking from your spot on the couch down the hallway to the dimly light door frame of your bedroom. Your mind immediately went to a dark place, thinking something bad might have happened to him.

You stand up, tiptoeing down the hallway, floorboards creaked lightly beneath your feet. You made it about halfway down the narrow space before you heard…snoring? That was new.

You cut the corner and looked to your left to see Eddie sprawled out on his side on the bed. The lamp was casting a soft yellow glow onto his serene face. The paperback book was crumbled beneath his side, the old yellowing pages creased with his body weight. His hair was everywhere, his right hand curled under his pillow. He looked so unbelievably peaceful in his dreamless slumber.

You tiptoed as quietly as you could around the bed. With gentle hands, you removed the now crumbled book from his side, marking his place with the well-loved polaroid. It was a photo of the two of you dressed in your Halloween costumes from a few years back. You smiled fondly at the memory as you placed the book on his bedside table.

You grabbed a discarded blanket from a dusty chair that sat in the corner of the room and draped it across his form. He shifted under the thick blanket, snuggling further into it. You tucked it beneath his side’s loosely, hoping that it will help keep him comfortable and still. His soft snores filled the air once again, letting you know that he had fallen back into his deep slumber.

The air from the blanket falling across his frame had pushed a few of his dark curls into his face. You leaned down, and without disturbing him, you brushed the dark locks off his face. With one final kiss to his forehead, you whisper against his soft skin. “I’ll keep you safe, I promise.”

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yalocalfanficaddict · 5 months

Text

*vibrating to the point of combusting over the need to write something and title it with a Hozier song/lyric*

Ayo, new music obsession just dropped! Here's a random prompt list of Hozier stuff because my mind is rotting! Anything with Pt 1 and Pt 2 beside it, is just complimentary titles for potential series titles.

Take me to church:

Giggle At A Funeral

Born Sick

Like A Dog At The Shrine

Offer Me Your Deathless Death

Take Me To Church (A lil obvious with this one, but just imagine the Corpse Bride AU's)

My Lover's The Sunlight (Pt 1)

She Demands A Sacrifice (Pt 2)

This is Hungry Work

No Masters Or Kings (Pt 1)

When The Ritual Begins (Pt 2)

THERE IS NO SWEETER INNOCENCE THAN OUR GENTLE SIN (THE ANGST FOR THIS ONE *folds*)

Let Me Give You My Life

Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene:

Toying Somewhere Between Love And Abuse (Please just hit me with the back of a metal chair) (and by metal chair I mean angst)

The Wretched And Joyful

Shaking The Wings Of Their Terrible Youth (Arch-angels? Anybody?)

Freshly Disowned...Frozen Devotion

Sweetened Breath And Tongue So Mean (Removed pronouns for inclusivity)

Feeling More Human

I Lay My Heart Down (Pt 1)

It's Bloody It's Raw, But I Swear It's Sweet (Pt 2)

Wonder If Better Now Having Survived (Pt 1)

I'm Alive (Pt 2)

Jackie and Wilson:

From Behind The Red In My Eyes (Literally any character with red eyes will rule this title)

No Better Version Of Me

Most Familiar of Swine (Enemies to Lovers WHERE YOU AT??)

Wretched And Divine (I don't watch Good Omens, but think of the potential!!!!)

Laughing Away Through My Feeble Disguise

Found Me Just In Time

My Mid-Youth Crisis All Said And Done (Pt 1)

Never Felt So Young (Pt 2)

Call Me "Baby"

Hands Through My Hair

Soothe Me Daily

Raise 'Em On Rhythm And Blues

It'd Be Great To Find A Place We Could Escape Sometime

Dead And Buried In The Yard Outside

Watch The World Go By (Pt 1)

Watch It Burn And Rust (Pt 2)

It Wasn't For Us (Pt 3????)

Cut Clean From The Dream (Childhood Friends To Strangers???)

Let My Mind Reset

Looking Up From A Cigarette

Someone New:

Don't Take This The Wrong Way

You Knew Who I Was (Pt 1)

Every Step I Ran To You (Pt 2)

Electing Strange Perfections

Just A Little Ol' Little Bit

Everyday With Someone New (Here me out...Soulmate AU)

(There's An) Art To Life's Distractions (Pt 1)

The Art Of Scraping Through (Pt 2)

Some Like To Imagine

I Guess Any Thrill Will Do (Grumpy x Sunshine adventure!)

My Heart's Already Sinned

How Pure, How Sweet A Love

'Cause God Knows I Fall In Love (Denial for their feelings >>>)

The Stranger The Better

To Be Alone:

Never Feel Too Good In Crowds (Angst? Trauma Recovery?)

Crude And Proud Creatures Baying

All I've Ever Done Is Hide

When You Kill The Lights And Kiss My Eyes (FORBIDDEN LOVERS!!!!!)

I Feel Like A Person For A Moment Of My Life (Pt 1)

But You Don't Know What Hell You Put Me Through (Pt 2)

Kiss The Skin That Crawls From You

Oh, To Be Alone With You (Pt 1)

Questions I Can't Ask (Pt 2)

At Last, The Worst Is Over (BANANA FISH IF THEY HAD A HAPPY ENDING) (I'M SOBBING)

Not A Trace Of Me Would Argue (Whipped characters be like)

We Should Run Away

From Eden:

Something So Tragic About You (Please combine the next few lines as Pt 1s, 2s, 3s, etc. as you see fit!)

Something So Magic About You

Something Lonesome About You

Something Wholesome About You

Get Closer To Me

No Time For Me

You're Familiar Like My Mirror Years Ago

Idealism Sits In Prison

Chivalry Fell On It's Sword

Innocence Died Screaming

Something So Wretched About This (Hozier's favourite word unlocked lol)

Where To Begin?

What A Sin

To Hang From A Tree

In a Week (Ft. Karen Cowley):

I Have Never Known Peace

Like These Insects That Feast On Me

Our Heartbeats Becoming Slow

(We Lay Here) For Years Or For Hours (HANAHAKI WRITERS PLEASE HEAR ME OUT)

Two Corpses We Were (Pt1)

Two Corpses I Saw (Pt 2)

I'd Be Home With You (Could be used as a Hurt/Comfort or a Hurt/No Comfort)

The Slumber That Creeps To Me

I Have Never Known Color (Soulmate AU!!)

Flesh Calmly Going Cold

Your Hand In My Hand

So Still And Discreet

When The Weather Gets Hot

After The Foxes Have Known Our Taste (Pt 1)

After The Raven Has Had It's Say (Pt 2)

Sedated:

Just A Little Rush

To Feel Dizzy, To Derail The Mind

My Heart's In Atrophy

Nursing On A Poison That Never Stung (Pt 1)

Our Teeth And Lungs Are Lined From The Scum Of It (Pt 2)

We Are Deaf (Pt 1)

We Are Numb (Pt 2)

Something Isn't Right (Trapped in an Alternate Universe, anyone?)

Little Words

Slaves To Any Semblance Of Touch (Touched Starved Character's are gonna have a field day with this one lol)

We Should Quit But We Love It So Much (Never meant to be romances >>>)

Come And Save Me From It? (THE QUESTION MARK IS WHAT MAKES ME GO FERAL AHSBWBEDKSI)

Drag Me Away From It

Work Song:

Workin' On Empty

I Just Think About My Baby

I Could Barely Eat

Nothing Sweeter Than My Baby

Once From The Cherry Tree

Give Me Toothaches Just From Kissin' Me

When My Time Comes Around (Pt 1)

Lay Me Gently In The Cold Dark Earth (Pt 2) (THE ANGSSTTTTT)

Three Days On Drunken Sin (We aaaall know the smut writers will have a field day with this one, haha!)

An Empty Crib

No Grave Can Hold My Body Down

What My Hands And My Body Done

If The Lord Don't Forgive Me

Heaven And Hell Were Words To Me

Like Real People Do:

Why Were You Digging? (Pt 1)

What Did You Bury (Pt 2)

Those Hands Pulled Me From The Earth

(I Will Not Ask You) Where You Came From

Kiss Like Real People Do (AHKUDHUSdHBE JUST IMAGINE THE POTENTIAL-)

Eyes Always Seeking

In Some Sad Way, I Already Know

It Will Come Back:

You Know Better, Babe

Talk To It Like That (My mind went STRAIGHT to the gutter when I read it out of context)

Don't Give It A Hand, Offer A Soul

Leave It To The Land

Don't Let It In With No Intentions To Keep It

It Will Come Back

Smile At Me Like That

Hold Me

I'm Something Else When I See You (Myyy heaaart!!! Grumpy x Sunshine title for sure!!)

You Don't Understand, You Should Never Know

How Easy You Are To Need

It Can't Be Unlearned

The Warmth Of Your Doorways

Oh, Please, Give Me Mercy No More (WHUMP POTENTIAL!!!)

A Kindness You Can't Afford

Howling Outside Your Door

Foreigner's God:

Moved In Shameless Wonder

The Perfect Creature Rarely Seen

When The Land Was Godless And Free

Into The Empty Parts Of Me

My Heart Is Heavy

Always A Well Dressed Fraud

Never For Me

The Purest Expression Of Grief (HEAR ME OUT!! HEAR ME OUT!!)

Tender Charm

The Broken Love I Made To Them (Changed pronouns for inclusivity!)

Foreign To Me

Cherry Wine:

Eyes And Words Are So Icy

Like Rum On A Fire

Hot And Fast And Angry (Mad smut mad smut mad smut mad smut mad-)

I Walk My Days On A Wire

Oh Mama, Don't Fuss Over Me

The Blood Is Rare And Sweet As Cherry Wine (*glances at the Twilight fandom nervously*)

The Sheets Of Some Other

But I Want It, It's A Crime

Not Around Most Of The Time

I'm Their's And They're Mine (Inclusivity!!)

Fight And Fury Is Fiery

Loves Like Sleep To The Freezing

Sweet And Right And Merciful

It's Worth It (Pt 1)

It's Divine (Pt 2)

In The Woods Somewhere:

My Head Was Warm, My Skin Was Soaked

When I Awoke, The Moon Still Hung

The Darkness Hummed

I Prayed My Mind Be Good To Me

Into The Trees With Empty Hands

His Bone Exposed, His Hind Was Lame, I Raise A Stone To End His Pain (A lil long, but I think it sounds nice✨)

What Caused The Wound?

To Save A Life I Didn't Have

Forgot All Prayers Of Joining You

My Dearest Love, I'm Not Done Yet

Something In The Woods Somewhere

Run:

Rare Is This Love, Keep It Covered (FORBIDDEN LOVERS!!! I'LL DIE ON THIS HILL OF THIS BEING THE BEST TROPE)

Run To Me, Lover

Until You Feel Your Lungs Bleeding (HANAHAKI?? HANAHAKI!!)

To Be Twisted By Something (A knife? A rope? Possibilities are endless!)

A Shame Without A Sin

Rushing To The Shore To Meet

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hecatemoon87 · 10 months

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Hey darling, i hope you are doing fine!

I'm going through a real hard time right now and i'm in a constant cycle of being sad, growing desperate, start crying, getting angry (mostly at myself cuz i'm a useless piece of 💩) cry some more and then just feeling numb until the sadness returns and everything starts over again.

How do you think the different Hardy characters would deal with that? Alfie, Eddie, Tommy, Bob, Forrest and all the other wonderful characters? Sorry for bothering

Dear Friend,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down. It sounds like you are struggling with some overwhelming emotions. And that is something that I can relate to.

Let me first say, you are not a useless piece of sh*t. You are a wonderful human being who is trying their best at existing in a complicated world.

The complexity of the world is confusing and frustrating. And sometimes it is hard to process all the negativity, causing emotional anguish at a level equal to physical pain.

What you need to know is that the universe sees good, and it wants you to feel good. As long as we try to do better, be kind, tolerant and patient we can find balance between our mind and spirit.

You are worthy, you are good and you are strong. It is okay to cry, it is okay to have bad days, it is okay to feel what you're feeling. But I just want you to know that you are more than you think you are.

You have more power than you could possibly imagine, it's in your heart, believe me, it's there. You just gotta search for it, and you'll find that you are strong, powerful and filled with goodness.

Now, you are interested in how Tom Hardy Character's would deal with such emotions? Let's see then!

Alfie Solomons

I don't think Alfie has ever processed his emotions in healthy way. He probably suffers from PTSD from the war. It would be hard not to, even though I think he is of a stronger mind than most. He certainly has anger issues, but I believe he keeps his mind occupied by challenging himself against others regarding wits and strategy. A healthy habit is to stay occupied, and Alfie is always on the move.

Eddie Brock

I think Eddie would allow himself to feel his emotions completely. He isn't the type to feel unmasculine if he cries. Though Eddie is impulsive and causes a good portion of his own drama, he seems to be able to express his emotions rather than bottling them up. I feel like Eddie would be willing to go to therapy to work on his issues. Finding a good therapist is a very helpful tool in trying to process complex emotions, and lord knows Eddie has a few of those.

Tommy Conlon

Poor Tommy, talk about a man who has experienced trauma. Instead of embracing the need to address his issues, he tries to push down the pain with pills or fighting in the ring. I think he's the type of man who would require his significant other to support him through his pain. The woman he would be with needs to remind him of his mother in some way. Meaning that she would need to give him the same love and comfort that he had lost when his mother died. Finding a support group or even just a friend is important. And Tommy needs that.

Bob Saginowski

I feel like Bob is kind hearted and a good man. But over all, it seems he can process stressful situations fairly well. He understands what is right and what is wrong. It's wrong to hurt a defenseless puppy, and it's wrong to abuse a defenseless woman. It is not wrong to bring justice to someone who is bad. And Bob is able to sleep at night with the choices he has made. This type of person is rare I think. Not to say that Bob is a psycho! He is just able to use logic over his emotions, and according to studies, it is a rare trait.

Forrest Bondurant

We all know how Forrest functions. In silence! But, oh, boy, this man FEELS things. He just doesn't show it. He experiences rage, sadness, passion and endurance in a stoic and undetectable manner. He is a man of action. You won't find him sitting around complaining. He's gonna stand up and walk out that door. And lord have mercy on whoever pisses him off! That isn't exactly healthy...violence is never the answer, but hey, it's 1931, therapy wasn't invented just yet. And not like Forrest would go...maybe Maggie could have persuaded him?

#tom hardy #tom hardy fanfiction #tom hardy fanfic #facepuller #tom hardy fan fic #eddie brock #alfie solomons #tommy conlon #bob saginowski #forrest bondurant #mental health

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morgana-ren · 4 months

Note

This ask is about suicidal thoughts and the Bastard Four, so please ignore if needed. You mentioned this briefly with the Corvus pain ask, but how do they react if you are thinking or even trying to hurt or kill yourself? I have to imagine it happens. I know I would definitely go to some dark places in that kind of situation.

This is going to be one of those asks that if you're triggered at the mention of something, you're going to want to keep away entirely.

My triggers are not everyone else's and what I find lighthearted and 'normal' is usually very dark and disturbing for others and this, while hopeful and a good thing to me, could put someone already in a bad place into somewhere worse or do some serious damage. I cannot account for everyone, so really, if you're sensitive or just going through it, go ahead and forgo this one.

It is also long because it's just a complex topic.

I am speaking to my personal experience with mental health struggles and so this might not exactly align with your experiences, but mine are the only ones I have, and they stem from both mental illness and trauma and like, whatever else is spitting around up there.

Alright, so this is where things get purely speculative on my part (for Corvus especially) for a number of reasons. Keep in mind, I'm autistic and also have a litany of other issues and sometimes I genuinely have a problem not bringing it into other places. Corvus and these aus are not my characters alone; I only helped develop Corvus a little after the fact and love him very much and the others were made with help.

But sometimes when I speak to people, I do not realize what I have said is entirely inappropriate and bad and is not something you say to someone or put off on someone else, and I have moments where I realize I have gone really dark with things and this is not a conversation people want to have with me. It is not their responsibility to heal or soothe me through their characters or their effort, even if I don't mean it that way and I'm just curious about how they'd respond. I have to really remind myself "Hey, this isn't okay to say to someone and it's not fair to put this off on them" or "You cannot expect this person to play therapist through a character you love just because you love them."

There's things that I want to hear, obviously, because we all have ways we want people to care for and love us, but in order to get them, I'd really have to make things dark mentally and that's just not something most people want when they're talking about these types of things. It's stressful to them rather than cathartic. I already have massive issues with being myself because I am just so fucking strange and I don't like to do things I even remotely think are inappropriate, because if it's occurring to me, it surely is fucked up to someone else, you feel? My issues are my issues and making them open and known to the degree that it would take to truly approach this could really hurt/offend/scare/whatever someone who I value greatly, and that's not a risk I am willing to take.

It can be a comfort and so you reach for it. But it's not fair to put that massive weight on someone else's shoulders, and in order to get a true answer to that question, I'd have to drag someone I care about very deeply into my mental maelstrom and I need to remind myself that's not okay, even inadvertently. Even if it's hypothetical and not that big of a deal to me because they're my emotions. Me saying something offhandedly has been deeply worrying to others more times than I can count, and I need to pull back and remind myself that the way I deal with and cope about things can make people deeply uncomfortable. I can cope through fantasy, but expecting someone to build that fantasy for me is tiresome and miserable and can ruin a friendship.

So, when I answer this question, I am doing it with compounded knowledge that I have over all of the aus, things that seem like would be in character, and things that I need to tell myself because my paracosm demands it.

First thing's first: Corvus is a mind reader, and his section is the longest because I have the most in-depth examples of how he cares for things. He's been around the longest. It's more his wheelhouse and generally more of his purview. He is very attuned to people's thoughts and feelings, if for all the wrong reasons.

He got as far as he has by being very good at reading people and understanding the psychology of humans and learning to pluck the heartstrings. He doesn't usually snatch people on a whim. That's just not how he operates. There is absolutely a level of research and stalking that goes into it because he isn't going to grab someone he finds utterly insufferable. He doesn't like to kill people he sleeps with (finds it distasteful) so he'd rather not put himself in that situation. If he takes you, he knows, and he likes you, and is dedicated to it.

If he's watching you, trust me, he's going to be aware of your issues. He can hear your thoughts. He can feel your emotions. He is perfectly aware of what you're feeling when you're feeling it, even if you are not. He knows what the potential situations are here. If he takes you, he has decided that is a task he is willing to take on. He isn't going to grab you and then abandon you because 'it's too much' because then he wouldn't have taken you in the first place. It's almost impossible to find anyone that doesn't have years of shit to unpack anyways.

Having someone very mentally ill or very unwell isn't a reason he's going to turn away, it seems. Really, name one fully healthy person. When he is interested, he is interested, and he is aware of the 'downsides' and does not care. He may well approach things differently, but it's not a thing that he needs to deeply consider because it's 'too much.' He just goes 'noted' and then keeps it in mind and continues.

Corvus is usually the one doing the scouting. That or he is the one that the others turn to for confirmation because he is the pickiest and tends to know things about people at large that the others don't or don't care to know. He is the one that gets off the most on psychological manipulation. He is the one that would sense something was wrong first.

Having someone who 'isn't well' isn't something they turn from. But keep in mind, these are not good men. These are not heroes who do the right thing. These are not men you should aspire to love. These are villains and bastards and while they are attractive and deeply interesting, you should not use them to frame your behavior or thoughts or look to them for how a relationship should be. They will not always deal appropriately. They are stupid and selfish and rude and just horrible people. They're going to be fumbling about and guessing. They might tend up causing more damage and doing more harm than good sometimes.

In the beginning, it's different than it is at the end.

Corvus is going to know if you're having thoughts. He is going to make very sure that you know that it isn't an option. Your body isn't yours anymore. Your life isn't yours to take. When I say it isn't an option, I really mean it isn't. He could just resurrect you and he is not going to be happy. There literally is no escape. It sounds callous, but he is, especially in the beginning if he doesn't love you yet (sometimes he's already in love when he takes you, but other times it grows over time.)

He's going to have to walk a fine line, because his brand of bullshit is hard on people who are healthy mentally and have good healthy coping mechanisms. He doesn't want you that kind of broken. That's not what he's after. He's going to have to keep you held together while still satisfying himself and degrading and hurting you. It probably turns into manipulation extreme and can be a challenge, even for him.

Subtly and quietly building you up but still damaging you in different ways. He loves being the savior, but he also loves being the terror. He'd have to find a balance. Again with the masterful way he maneuvers things. He will pry out of you what it is you 'have' or what is wrong with you, and pretend not to care, but he'll be doing research on it later. A lot of it. He's going to find a way to make you better. Again, that kind of broken is not what he is looking for. He is going to seem callous and utterly dismissive but trust me, his brilliant little mind is going a million miles an hour.

He's not really looking to terrify you with trauma. He wants you afraid of him. Of what he can do. He wants to be your nightmare, not whatever else is skulking in your brain. That means trauma has to go bye-bye. There can only be one nightmare in your brain and it's not whatever haunts you. It's him.

He will get his hands on medications you need. He will do work to keep you stable and help get your mind on the up and up. He won't let you see a therapist for obvious reasons, but you'd be surprised by the sheer things he can accomplish. He is a cleric, and people are his dominion. He is capable of healing and hurting. On top of it, he knows what it is to hurt. He too is traumatized. You might actually get better help and healthcare from him than the average American citizen does from insurance and doctors. You can actually tell him what it is you're feeling in this regard, and he will actually try. Quietly, of course, but he will. A selfish sort of help initially, but he grows.

Constant checking in on you. Keeping around compulsively. Trying to keep you engaged and stimulated with things to do or books or whatever else have you. Hovering even if you don't know he is. Making sure even when he's tormenting you that you know he is watching. Making sure you take your medication. Keeping things out of your reach if he is worried. He has a tendency to treat you like a child in that way. He will abuse magic to do it. Cameras in the house. Keeping a constant eye on you. Watching meticulously to the point it is unnerving. He needs as much data as he can get to 'fix' this. You are his. You do not get to break yourself.

He's going to know. He always knows. Just know that. You're going to literally be physically incapable of acting on your urges and it is miserable. But he will catch on that just doing that isn't enough, and he needs to take an active role in your mind and healing.

It's one of those things. Sometimes you'll tell him to just get it over with. Just kill you. Just fucking get it over with. He'll look at you and just sigh with a cigarette in his hand and go "I think you have heavily misunderstood your purpose here. If I wanted you dead, you would be, girl. Never forget that. Your life is mine, and you are mine to do with as I please." You are his property. His. He doesn't break his own toys. You belong to him. You don't get to do that.

That's what you get from him. What he is actually thinking is difficult to know.

What I'm saying is in the beginning, he will never be vulnerable in the way that he will tell you he values you, but he will make sure you know that's not going to happen and to come to peace with it. Better to focus on healing because you will not get your way.

If you've got abandonment issues, and you just shut down and wait for him to get bored and tire of you, he's going to know that as well. He'll grab your face and just "You really think it's going to be that easy, hmm? You think me so fickle? So foolish?" He's going to turn it around on you and act like you've insulted him.

What I'm getting at is he doesn't handle it in the healthiest way. Confidence issues for example? Feeling horrible and just waiting for him to walk away because even someone who took you against your will can't stand you for long? Feeling useless and wretched? Just breaking down in that way? He's just going to tell you flat up that you need to work on that. He's not going to have a deep, intricate talk with you, but he'll just say it offhandedly. It's not changing his mind. He isn't going anywhere. You'll get over it. You will learn. Sometimes he doesn't understand the sheer gravity of the emotions you feel or how bad they are and of course you don't want to tell him.

He took you. Him. That means you're worthy. He doesn't take people who aren't worth his attention. You need to understand that. You're a foolish little thing and perhaps you haven't grasped the reality of your situation. He doesn't waste time. You are his his his-- and that should be your proof. He's very up his own ass so rather than focusing on you, he focuses on you through his own eyes.

Severe depression? You are getting out of bed if he has to drag you out. You are keeping busy. You are cooking and cleaning and being productive. You are reading and writing if he has to make you. He will make you. You will be eating if he has to shove it down your throat. You will be keeping active. The best cure is to force yourself out of it. He has been depressed. He has been cared for. He will try, but by fuck, you will hate it and hate him for it because he is that voice in your brain that nags and nags and forces you to do things you don't want to do. You will kick and scream and bite and more often than not have bruises to show for it. You will be getting out of bed. You will not win this fight with him.

If you are genuinely, genuinely unhappy with something later on (when he has very deep feelings for you) he is primed to be more open and honest. He will show a bit more vulnerability. He will be willing to make changes for you within reason. He will want you to know he loves you and he cares. He is still him, but he needs you to understand how he feels. That he wants to help. That he will listen to you and needs you to know how important it is to him even as it seems like he doesn't care. When he loves you, your happiness is important outside of the bedroom. You're his wife. He loves you so deeply it's terrifying. He is so bad with showing it and saying it, but there's something desperate about it. Sometimes feral. He will try to show it because saying it just doesn't do it. And even him showing it is subtle and self-serving. He's just bad at shit.

Because of this, when he comes to love you, this is something that is deeply important to him. He has lost so many people, he cannot lose another, especially like that. He would feel responsible and while he doesn't care about most death, he cares about you. He is going to do whatever it fucking takes to keep you here (literally, see resurrection) and if it becomes a problem, he is going to slow the fuck down, act responsible, and do what it takes to try and actually help you-- you know, in the way Corvus helps. The more he comes to know and care for you, the more it hurts him. You suffering like that isn't something he can abide, especially when it comes to suicidal ideation. He wants you to want to be here with him. He wants to be enough. He realizes that, realistically, it doesn't work like that, but he is going to make it.

Taking someone who suffers in that way puts him in a strange position. One of his priorities is to soothe it. It's a variable he accounts for. He's not a good guy. He's not going to do the healthy thing. But it's not really something he is going to leverage over you and torment you with. Again, that kind of broken, that kind of pain isn't something he wants from you. He needs you healed and better mentally so your body is primed for scars in other ways. He will take away your every option but getting better. He is tough love. He is always there. He is breaking into your mind. You have no privacy. You will be better. For yourself and for him.

He is the tough and firm.

Reaver.... is strange.

Reaver doesn't know dick or fuck all about psychology really, and he doesn't care to. He is what matters. He's been selfish for hundreds of years and he didn't really plan on stopping.

But he understands suffering. He understands pain. He understands trauma nightmares and drowning your sorrows in the bottom of a bottle. He understands wanting to end it and having to find alternate ways of coping. He understands hiding it. He understands feeling so deeply and loathing it. He understands masking your pain. He understands the horrors.

Reaver is going to encourage hedonism like a bandaid. He's going to get you very drunk (bad idea) and try to make you see the value of living a libertine life with him. Life is pain so live it drunk and live it through pleasure. This is his way of connecting. This is his medicine. He's going to throw money around. He's going to shoot things and people because it makes him feel better. He will tell you sex always makes him feel better so you should try it.

When it comes to early on, he's basically just going to be relying on Corvus and Ilya to do most of the heavy lifting. They understand better, and they know people better. Reaver is just going to drown his insecurities over it in bloodwine and back off. He refers to it as 'silly human emotion' and belittles it and pretends he doesn't know what it's like despite the fact he's human and absolutely feels it even as he pretends he doesn't.

Later on, he's going to use the only tools he has and do the only thing he knows how to do. Money, money everywhere. Expensive therapists. Doctors. Medicine. Trying to buy your happiness. He's been so far gone for so long that trying to actually consider mental health sends him into a dark place in his own mind and he can't have that. Even if he knows exactly what you're going through, he's going to pretend he doesn't for his own sanity.

All of the boys have lost a lot. Death is something that scarred them deeply that now they wield as a weapon. Reaver has lost everyone he loved. He might as well have murdered one, and the other let herself die because she wouldn't live a life with him. He will make it very clear, in no uncertain terms, that there is absolutely no chance you're escaping. You will not get away like they did. That is not your choice to make. He will get scary. Very scary. And then he will pick you up and just... lie with you. Clinging.

He does not know how to express himself. He really doesn't. Even when he absolutely loves and adores you, he just isn't very in touch with himself. He cannot touch on that without awakening something horribly twisted inside of himself that he physically cannot deal with.

He, in a way, has always been suicidal in a hugely ironic twist. He is immortal. He cannot die at anyone's hands, even his own, and I believe he has tried. It was a Faustian bargain. He got what he wanted, but the price made it worthless. Eventually he turned to reckless existence and figured that if he died, he died. He never did. He finds pleasure where he can, but his circumstances are so different from yours that he just genuinely cannot relate anymore. It's the same seed, but it blossomed into something entirely different.

Reaver is more primal and almost stupid about it. He'll throw you into the cage. He'll bind your arms. He'll knock you out. He freaks out and doesn't understand. If he wanted you dead, he'd shoot you. Why is that so hard to understand? So many people would kill to be with him, and you get to. Why are you being obstinate? Are you trying to impress him? If you're trying to ward him off, it's not working. Don't be foolish.

Reaver is arguably the worst at it, I'd say. Not because he means to be, but for his own protection. That shell around his mind is what keeps him sane. You are an all too real reminder that he is human and what you're feeling is something he is familiar with.

He will try. His way of showing love and affection is questionable. Sometimes he'll take you somewhere strange because he likes gaudy, rich places and it'll just be a field in the country or some shit. He'll stare quietly at the sky and his trademark smirk is gone. He will just exist with you and let you talk uninterrupted. Maybe making you feel heard will help. You'll never figure out the significance of the place, but rest assured it is to him.

He will just lie with you. Buy you expensive gifts to show he cares and that he is listening. He genuinely believes he can buy your happiness because he bought his 'own'-- and how well that's worked. He will have drunken nights with you where he will sit and sip his brandy and listen to you wail on and keep his stupid comments to himself as much as he can. He will still give you his rude opinion, but there's something.. softer about it.

He will tell you life is a gift, and you will roll your eyes. Same shit you've always heard. And he won't elaborate but he will tell you he knows. Quietly. And he will never bring it up again. One very serious moment of "I know." and he immediately switches the subject. Asks if you're eating enough. If your medicine is working. He can shoot the doctor, if he is stiffing you--

He is incapable of being serious for any length of time because he has to mask his own pain. He has to. It will literally drive him mad if he dwells. But he understands you better than he lets on.

Reaver is the selfish hedonism.

Astarion is probably the one that will put aside his own personal desires most effectively. He will see something is wrong, and while he isn't in tune with emotions and sickness as Corvus is, he will know that look. That phrase. That behavior. He has lived a life that was not his own, had his body taken, and he knows what it looks like to pray for death. He knows what it looks like. He has lived it.

He is the most likely to approach it from a genuine perspective. He will try to make it seem like a normal night, but he'll grab two glasses of wine and sit with you. Talk about books. He will make off-color jokes to keep you off his trail, but really what he's doing is checking in. He is making sure you are okay. He is getting to know you on an earnest level and showing he cares, in a way.

Keep in mind, Astarion is the most mentally healthy as it stands, but he knows very much what it is to suffer. It's a memory that absolutely sticks with him. He knows exactly what it is. Your situation is all too familiar. He knows you aren't well not because he knows what it is in a clinical sense, but because he recognizes it.

He isn't versed in mental illness much at all. He has no book or clinical knowledge. He cannot prescribe you medicine or give you doctorly advice. But he will listen. He will just listen to you rant. To your feelings. He will bite you and get you very comfortable so that you will talk against your own will. He thinks the benefit is worth the cost. He has 'venom' that can make you more pliable. He will abuse it.

You can be angry at him for making you vulnerable, but he thinks it's important because closing yourself off isn't helping. He isn't just trying to take advantage of you. He is actually trying to help in his twisted way.

He will work in tandem with Corvus and Ilya as the 'less clinical' of the triumvirate. The more genuine-seeming. You will feel more comfortable being truthful and telling him things you won't tell Corvus or Ilya, but he will tell them because they are the closest to a doctor and they are the ones that can actually help in a 'medical' sense-- as much as they can. If things are getting bad or there are symptoms he doesn't recognize, it is important to figure it out.

He is the most likely to be genuine and open. He will tell you he understands and he means it. He has no reason to lie. He isn't that kind of sadist necessarily. It's more he has modes, and he is perfectly capable of flipping it off when it's important, even if he is still himself and still says off color things. He is the most open from the get-go whether or not he loves you yet because he has been in this situation. He knows exactly what it's like. It's not about love, it's about your body and your control. There is a line to be walked and while he isn't exactly healthy or not perpetuating the cycle of abuse, it isn't quite like ascending him the other way. He still has empathy. He still has feelings.

He is the one that will approach the other three and tell them that they need to back the fuck off because there are times he feels like you're more open with him than they are just because of how he approaches things. That something is wrong. That as fun as it is, there is something wrong. That some things are more important, and that if they actually care about you, they need to tone it the fuck down for a bit and focus on your wellness and if they don't care about you, they need to back the fuck off for good and let him do what he can to help you because this is taking a toll and he won't stand for it. He will not become Cazador-- even as they literally are doing the same shit.

There are 'cravings' he understands. The desire to see your own blood. For control in any way you can steal it. He's not going to let you fool him into being a tool for your own self-hatred, which for him, is huge because he has to learn the difference between brat taming and learning when he is being deliberately goaded for pain's sake. If you're trying to punish yourself, he's going to learn what you're doing. If you're trying to drive him into a frenzy so he will drain you dry, he will learn.

He will level with you. Hurting yourself isn't an option. Taking your own life isn't an option. None of them want that kind of pain from you, and your situation is severe enough that it's easy to be overwhelmed with both kinds of pain happening. Make your life easier. Work with them. That it is in your best interest to accept the help they give you. He understands how angry you are. How you feel. What it is you're feeling and how intense it is. But it can get better. And then he will laugh because the situation is darkly hilarious. But it can. You might as well utilize the tools they are willing to give you. They can help if you'll let them.

None of them will judge you for your mental health, but Astarion remembers. He is the one that has faced it and come out the other side. He is the success story.

He is the 'comfort' where Corvus is the 'clinical' and Reaver is the 'bad urges'.

Astarion is the earnest and genuine.

Ilya knows, and Ilya is my character. He is built off of my own thoughts, illnesses, insecurities, and pieces of myself. I can speak more to him than the other three because I don't have to discuss it with a secondary party. I just know him. Similar to Corvus in medical knowledge, albeit not formal. He will be able to see the signs. He is very, very good at reading people because it is how he survived. He had to maneuver his own mind as well. He knows something is off from the start and will be one of the first to see it without intense scrutiny. He will try to get a jump on it because you're about to be in a very stressful situation and he also just finds minds fascinating.

He will be a mix of cool and clinical. He will approach it from an organized perspective. He will ask you how you are feeling, what your levels are, 'on a scale' questions, and what your urges are. He will prod you for hours if need be. Full attention on you. He will take notes like a fuckin' psychologist for 'later study' (his version of your medical record.) He will seem very detached from it in an emotional sense and it will be a very strange opposite to his sexual self. His entire focus is on you, your health, and nothing else. No interruptions. No awkwardness. No feeling like he doesn't care or isn't listening or is freaking him out. Just genuine interest. None of that awkward shit where you have to apologize to someone who you chose to trust because your story is making them emotional. He's very good at distancing.

It's best to be honest. He knows when you lie. He will ask you outright why you are lying, if you are uncomfortable, and what you hope to accomplish by being dishonest to him. If you've ever been institutionalized, you know what I mean. There are some things he will be insistent about but pushing someone isn't always what's best and he knows that.

When you have an outburst and begin yelling and getting upset (and you will) he will watch patiently and ask you if it makes you feel better to lash out. If you need to scream more. If you'd like a moment alone. He doesn't mean to be condescending, but his very nature always makes him seem like he is. You can be trying to hit him and it's just laughable how he blinks and asks you 'Is this helping? Do you feel better?' Maddening, even.

He is the one that is going to treat it the most like a doctor because that's how he approaches these things. That's how he looks at himself and the world around him: surgically and clinically. It's how he learned to live. Suggesting alternate coping methods, healthy outlets, and different perspectives. He is going to want you to want to talk to him about it, and is willing to patiently earn that trust. It's almost funny when you consider it the rest of the time. It's like inside his weird little office, he is a different person. No really inappropriate jokes unless you're the kind of person where it eases your distress. No selfishness and making it about him. Just him being Dr. Ilya. Genuinely interested. Genuinely wanting to help if for no other reason than "he finds it fascinating."

It stems, like most things, from his mother. She was ill. Very ill. He remembers. He knows what she went through. How she struggled. She held on to the end but that was out of sheer stubbornness. He inherited quite a bit of it, but he's lived so long it's all a jumbled mess now. He takes control where he can get it. He gets it, in a weird way, but doesn't recognize it on a cognizant level. He just knows it feels familiar and he doesn't like that you feel it, and thus, he will find a way to cure it or quiet it. He's been gone for so long that it just doesn't register as illness. It warped into something darker.

He keeps an eye on you just as much as Corvus does, but he's more likely to give you space (and by give you space I mean you won't notice him watching where as Corvus doesn't necessarily care if you know.) He is more manipulative in a way, but it's a completely separate way. He wants you to feel mentally well even if he is breaking your boundaries when you don't know.

He will bind you, if he feels it is necessary for your safety. He will tranq or sedate you to keep you calm if he senses things are going awry, and gently lie you down and just... sit with you. He will tell you to let it out and when you're ready, you can talk about it. If you're like me and you're stubborn and won't cry or speak at length usually, he will accept it but joking promise to keep Corvus at bay if you happen to and swear he doesn't have the same reaction to vulnerability. He will give you a place for tantrums. He won't ever make you speak, but he will absolutely manipulate you if he thinks it's in your best interest and ultimately for the better. His morals are twisted. He will abuse the trust if he thinks it will actually be better for you in the long run. He isn't a doctor, and he never signed an oath. He's just clever and has been around for ages and learned things.

He will know when it is too much to touch you. When you want to have space. When you don't want to talk. He knows what cracking looks like and he is quite good at mitigaing it, and when he speaks, the others will listen because it's very rare that he ever takes anything seriously. He will be one of the ones to come up with a plan to get everyone what they want.

Keep in mind, this does not make them good or nice. The entire situation is deplorable but what I am saying is that they can have moments of clarity where they will back the fuck off.

He will be gentle but firm. He will tell you that what you want isn't an option. He wants to break into the issues you have and rip them down to the root. He understands abandonment trauma and suicidal ideation because he has felt it but when you eventually pick up that he is speaking from experience, he is going to look at you and say "If it helps you to believe that." and you almost will believe he doesn't know. He does. He will never talk about his own issues. Not now.

The closer you get, the more intimate things will become. The 'sessions' are entirely separate from his desires, but if you're comfortable, or you just need someone to hold you, or whatever, he would love that. Just hold you and ask the questions a bit more intimately. Maybe you just need your hair stroked because you're touch starved. Maybe you have scars you need to moisturize and he can help. Maybe you just need to bitch that his brother is a complete fuck for a moment. You can sit together, or lie down together, or whaever makes you happy. Over time, it gets less clinical and more like a lover taking an interest in their beloved. He tells you he is trying to help. It's strangely the most honest you will see him until later because it touches on something he personally understands.

It's very strange because he is absolutely a bastard, but it's like this switch flips in his brain when things are serious or he sees certain patterns or recognizes behaviors. He shoves it down and immediately goes into serious mode. Cracking mental state is not to be fucked with and he knows. He and Corvus deliberate things together on how best to work this together since they technically have the tools best to maneuver the situation. They've been around for a long time.

He is very good at seeing the signs, and in some cases (this might be because he is mine) he is the best one for saying exactly what you need to hear... albeit in an unnerving way.

Abandonment issues that cause some serious problems? He knows. He has them. He sniffs that shit out fast. He will outright tell you what he would want to hear. "You are mine. I have already chosen and I will not do so again. All things I do are deliberate. I have chosen you. Do you understand? Pretty, broken thing, I have chosen you as you are, not as what you could be or what I thought you might be. You do not scare me, though it humors me that you try. You are mine. All of you. Even the parts of you that are jagged and vicious and bleed everyone who gets close. You will understand. You will come to. You are mine, and that means I lay claim to all parts of you."

When it comes to suicide, he gets a bit weirder. Sadder almost. More of a "There is no reprieve on the other side. There is nothing you do not feel now; no cure that rests just beyond the veil. It is best to face the now and the devil you know, because there is a devil you don't and he is crueler and sharper and slices deeper. We have seen death. We have caused it. We are as intimate as lovers, he and I. There is nothing in his cold grip that will calm you. No softness or kindness to his unrelenting grip that might soothe you. Death is easy and it is fast and swoops as a vulture and there is no peace in your carrion being picked apart. It is natural to long for it, to feel some piece of you can only be at rest once you embrace it, but I can tell you I have seen the other side and the River Styx is not a gentle current, but a maelstrom, and when the water claims you, there is no more death to pray for. Live now, and understand the warmth. The pain. All things. Life is fleeting and death comes quickly enough. Do not go knocking on his door. There is no rest awaiting in his home."

And you won't know what the fuck he's even talking about. Like his weird ramblings don't help. But he knows. He died. In a way, if you look closely, he is opening up to you inadvertently. He pulled a reckless suicide in a way and he's been paying for it ever since. He thought it would ease his pain. It didn't. It has to do with his backstory. He's been there. He got what he wanted. It didn't ease his pain. It won't ease yours.

He will try. It's very strange, honestly, to see him go from the horny terror to this but people are complex, man. He's lived a long time-- or been dead a long time, more accurately. He understands suffering. His brothers understand. They just all have different ways of processing.

He is the only one I can say for certain would recognize very specifically what you're going through. He can pull back. He won't just stop being himself, but he is capable of averting crisis. He will give advice to the others based upon what he knows and his notes. Together they can and will make an effort to get you better because you are who they chose, and that means all of you.

Ilya is the clinical but caring.

They are all pieces of ways people deal with things. Four parts of a whole.

Deep down, most of my kinks and these silly little aus and my love of these men all stem from the same thing. Deep seated issues that result in a desire to be loved unconditionally. To be wanted to badly despite my faults that someone can see the absolute worst parts of me and still be adamant and forceful that I am theirs. To be weak before something for once, and taken care of and even infantilized because my life has been the complete opposite and I've always been alone. To be wanted so desperately and so irrationally that it borders on a form of madness. Something deeply rooted with claws that sink and grab and do not let go. To be chosen by someone (someones) and committed to, no matter how bad I get. How I act out. How I operate that would scare the shit out of a normal person. No matter what I say or do that would drive off every other person.

The men have their own issues. But in my aus, they have chosen you, and that means they do not let go. They do not back off. They do not relent. They are not normal men. You aren't going anywhere, and that includes anywhere you try to take yourself. They try, albeit sometimes poorly, but they try. They all have their own issues and their manners of dealing with things reflect that. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have control because that nasty little voice in my head tells me shit.

They aren't health experts. They aren't people you should deliberately look to for help. They are bad men and you should never forget that. They aren't wholesome, healthy, idealistic ideas of love. They are toxic and abusive and bad. And I'm sure there's something to be said psychologically about that being who I immediately turn to.

But sometimes, it might help to see yourself falling apart and you hear their voice in your head. You see them on the edge of your bed. They look at you with fucked up but unconditional love. They tell you to get up. Or they tell you it's okay. Sometimes they are just there with you. They see you at your worst and they are still there, the ghosts in your head, because when the mind is lonely, it creates things where it cannot find them.

Sometimes it gets weird and they get very turned on at seeing the entire thing. Maybe that's what you need. To feel desirable in your calamity and mental tempest. Whatever it takes to make you feel better. It's weird. I never claimed it wasn't. But we all have coping methods. My dreamworld is mine.

Hopefully this all makes sense and explains why there's no real canonical way they deal with it. It hasn't really been touched on beyond once or twice when I couldn't pull back for some reason. I have vent stories but those are just self indulgent (or terrorizing, as it were) garbage. I do not think everyone copes like I do and I do not think that other people necessarily enjoy talking or speculating about this sort of thing. I think it drags them down and makes them sad and hurts their mental state and I'd rather swallow it than drag someone else down. It isn't their problem. Having confirmation is great but not at the cost. It's just an uncomfortable subject for most folks and it's very heavy.

I realize I (again) went off the rails here but it's a touchy subject and one that I know a lot of my follower struggle with. It's something you really have to be careful about, you know? But if this isn't what you meant, let me know and I'll happily switch it up for you.

#morgana and friends #tw suicide #tw mental illness and instability #just yeah don't fuck with it if you're not looking for COMFORT in this shit #Ilya the bastard #the bastard three (four)#in a rare serious moment #And even then this is only kinda touching on it #it really really depends per situation to be honest

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coffeeheartaddict2 · 1 year

Text

Everybody Hurts Sometimes (9/18)

Fireworks

Book: Open Heart (au)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC Casey Valentine

Warnings: language, sexual content, mentions of mental health

****trigger warnings- this series deals with issues of abandonment and addiction****

Word count: 2645

Summary: The team from Edenbrook and Mass Kenmore work to find a cure, Tobias and June have a confrontation, funeral for Bobby and Ethan comes to a realisation.

Category: Angst

Rating: 18+

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Pixelberry.

Authors note: half way everyone. I know you are all thinking when does the abandonment and addiction come in well it is coming, we see some fears Ethan has about being left in this chapter and the downward spiral to come will be painful. But enjoy the next few chapters before things go south again.

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Casey is surprised that Ethan is entering the room.

“I can’t bear to leave you here by yourself.” He lies on the bed and Casey cuddles up beside him as best she can, given the hazmat suit.

“Won’t they miss you in the lab?”

“Maybe but as Elijah said, it is a chemistry problem and he may have gotten a reputation as a Trauma doctor but one subject Tobias did not need to try to hard to beat me in was Chemistry.”

“You still have not told me the deal between you two…”

“A story for another time, Casey.”

“I wish I could kiss you right now.”

“Me too. There are some things that I am regretting, ending things being one of them.”

“But we are together now, kind of…”

No, not really Casey. I stand by what I said when I ended it, you have always deserved more than being in a clandestine affair with me. Yes I know we were in secret in the beginning but we agreed but I did something I never thought I would do and that was fall in love and once those words were out, you deserved something open.”

What are you saying Ethan.

“I still love you Casey, I am done treating you like some dirty secret.”

Casey did not know what to think. She still loved him too but she did not want to hope that things would change anytime soon. Ethan could sense her apprehension and said they would discuss more when she pulls through.

Casey is tired and she goes to sleep. Ethan’s even breathing, giving her some of the comfort she needs.

Meanwhile in the labs, both teams are working hard. Knowing what they are dealing with was a help and each idea and theory is bringing them closer to a cure. Tobias takes a quick brain break. He stops by a vending machine to grab a snack and goes for a small walk. He goes pass the room. He sees Ethan and Casey on the bed. He can see how overwhelmed with emotion Ethan is just in his body language. A pang of guilt runs through him, for missing the signs that the assistant was hellbent on revenge.

“Don’t worry buddy, I am not letting any more death happen on my watch” he says to himself. He heads back to the labs, even more determined than when he arrived. He comes across June on his way back.

“Why so determined Carrick? Not like you. Are you and Ethan friends? or is the desire to one up him that strong?”

“God is that all you can think about? Two people have died, June, one is in a coma and god knows if Casey is going to have the same fate.”

“So people die Tobias…”

“No but these deaths could have been prevented. There were red flags that I missed and surely you did too or were you too busy scheming whatever you were scheming”

“I was not scheming…”

“What so Ethan and Casey coming to Kenmore was not some scheme of yours?”

“Well I needed information on their relationship?”

“No, you wanted the team for you…”

“Not true…”

“So you being furious when Ethan got his job back and going on sabbatical straight away was what… a figment of my imagination?”

June is affronted.

“She has no right being on the team. She slept with Ethan. To get there.

“Yeah and I have seen plenty of evidence to contradict that, also Ethan does not do sexual favours. You have told me all of her solves June. Some without the help of Ethan. All I know is your scheming to run the team has killed two people and I will fucking die trying to prevent more and just so we are crystal clear, our arrangement is over.”

He walks away. He comes back to the labs and gets stuck in.

Each new theory brings them closer and closer until finally they have a serum that attaches to the toxin and it is able to be cleared. They make two doses, one for Raf and the other for Casey. Raf gets his first, as he was the most severe case and then they go to the room to give the dose to Casey. Ethan does the honours and Tobias can see how relieved Ethan is. The teams are sent home after their marathon effort. Naveen is even appreciative for the team from Kenmore coming across. Before he left, Tobias caught up with Ethan. They agreed to meet the next morning for coffee.

Later that day the toxin was clear from Casey and the room. Ethan walked in and embraced Casey, she was then transferred to another room. Casey is exhausted so Ethan lets her rest.

That night Ethan has trouble sleeping. He knew Casey was fine but it did not stop the nightmares of losing her. He arrived at the hospital early and snuck into her room to watch her sleep. Seeing her sleep helped eased his nerves. He knew that they would need to have a discussion about them but for now he took peace in knowing that she survived. He looked at his watch and went to Derry Roasters. He ordered his and Tobias’s coffee and went to sit down. Tobias arrived just as Ethan received their coffees. Tobias made his way over.

“You remembered my order?”

“How hard is it to remember black coffee?”

“True, I am still in shock you now have milk in yours.”

“It is still black normally, but I do like the Vienna here.”

“How are you after the last few days?”

“Alive, still processing, just relieved that Casey and Rafael made it.”

“I am just glad that there was no more death to come from it.”

Ethan nods in agreement.

“I am sorry for my part in this.”

“What part?” Asked Ethan in bemusement.

“I courted the asshole, missed the red flags and told Dr Hirata what I was upto.”

“We all missed the red flags, there were a few times where looking back now I should have picked up on the assistant”

“Yeah but me telling June played into her game of finding ways to out you and Casey which lead to the heist.”

“I think we both did, even Casey seemed skeptical when she told me about it.”

“I am curious, you and Casey, how genuine? I know I said otherwise at the softball game but I have seen too many interactions between you two to make me question”

“It’s the real deal, I knew I felt something for her in her intern year whilst we were secretly treating Naveen, we went to the medical symposium and I acted on my feelings. We then decided to date in secret, I quit, she was suspended and I realized I loved her. I told her, Naveen gets cured and I dared to hope that we could keep going but Naveen took the role of chief and I was Casey’s boss. I ended it, she deserved to have her achievements not questioned and she also deserved more than a clandestine affair and if I was her boss there was no way she was getting both. I went on sabbatical and came back and the feelings were still there. We have in the last few weeks been in an arrangement but I told her I was done with that, I still love her and she deserves a relationship out in the open. I will discuss it with her in due course again.”

Tobias sat there in shock but also happy for his former friend.

“Ethan Ramsey in love, I never thought I would see the day, I am happy for you, just be careful of June, I would hate for her to ruin things for you both.”

“Thank you, not just for reaffirming that I need to keep an extra eye on June but for bringing the team over. I know you feel partially responsible for the attack but even if you weren’t, the fact that you came across speaks volumes to the physician you have become.”

“It was a pleasure, I was very determined to not let her die, if what I have heard about her professionally is true then she is going to go on to do great things.”

“She will, that is for sure.”

“It has been nice to catch up Ethan”

“It sure has Tobias, it has been too long.”

“It sure has.”

Tobias looked at his watch. He has to head back. They part ways. Both hopeful that they have taken the first step to reconciliation.

Both Casey and Raf are improving well after the attack. The funeral for Bobby and Danny is set for a week after the attack. Raf is advised to avoid the funeral, his immunity is not great but Casey has clearance to go. She is apprehensive but still goes, she needs closure. It was a moving service. She says a few words at the funeral. She wants to cry but she is emotionally numb. She is still questioning why she survived and they did not and the dreams she is having are brutal. Some are just replays of the attack, others have different outcomes. She attends the wake. It is as if she is going through the motions and she hates it. She stays to the end. Ethan stayed too, keeping his eyes on Casey. She sees him and makes her way over. She hugs him but the tears she knows are there do not come. He asks her if she would come to his tonight to which she agrees. They drive to Ethan’s in silence, Ethan reaches across the console and places his hand on her knee. Casey smiles sadly. They arrive and make their way to his apartment. They sit on the couch.

“How are you going Ethan?” She asks.

“Not good Casey, I know you are alive and I am happy about that but the fact I nearly lost you is still haunting me. I have had nightmares since that night of you dying. All I know is that I am in love with you still and not being able to say it to you again was tearing me part.”

“You still love me?”

“More than ever” says Ethan as he cups her cheek in his hand.

“I would very much like to kiss …”

Before he could get the rest of the words out Casey kissed him on the lips. He returns her kiss. They just kiss for a while.

“I want you to make love to me Ethan.” Said Casey.

Ethan wants too but he does not want to rush Casey.

“Are you sure?”

“Very much so”

He kisses her again. He gets up off the couch and picks her up bridal style and carries her to his bedroom. They enter and he kisses her again, more deeply this time. He unzips her dress whilst she unbuttons his shirt. He walks her over to his bed. She lays down and Ethan joins her. They kiss and finish disrobing each other. He kisses down her neck and across her chest, which causes Casey to moan. His hands move lower to her centre. He runs a finger through her folds and inserts two fingers. He has Casey on the edge, he positions himself so he can enter her. She mewls in protest but moans as he enters her. He starts off slow, giving her time to adjust. She moves her legs to curl around his lower back which changes the angle slightly. She starts to thrust in and out. He ups the pace and eventually she starts to clench. He knows she is close and so is he. He kisses her again and picks up the pace. Casey reaches her climax with a scream and that triggers Ethan’s. They lay there in each other's arms and Casey starts to cry.

Ethan allows her to cry. They eventually fall asleep. Casey awakes with a start from a nightmare. She is confused as to where she is. Ethan wakes up and assures her that she is ok. They fall back to sleep.

Ethan wakes up and watches her sleep, still relieved that she is alive. Casey stirs and awakens. Ethan gets up and makes breakfast and brings the tray back bed.

“Thank you Ethan.”

They eat their meal in companionable silence.

“Ethan, when I was in that room, you said you were done with being in secret. Is that still the case or did you just say that to distract me from the fact that I could have died?”

Ethan understood why Casey asked that but deep down he was still shocked that she had that thought..

“I meant it then Casey and I am meaning it now.

I never stopped loving you and even though I have enjoyed being in an arrangement, you deserve more than that.”

“But what about the concerns you had before we broke up?”

“A part of me still has those but as you said, the people whose opinions you care about know the truth and let’s be honest, you have been on the team now for several months and your record speaks for itself but I will only be open if you are ready.”

Casey kisses him.

“I am happy to be open when I come back to work Ethan.”

Ethan smiles and returns her kiss. They spend the day in bed. Despite being with Ethan, Casey was still dealing with her own demons from the attack. Casey feels that she needs to speak to a professional about it and she also wants to get back to work. They see a therapist at Edenbrook, Dr Phelps. Ethan comes with her to the appointment. Casey does better than she thinks she would coming back to Edenbrook so soon after her stay. It was sad not seeing Bobby and she knew it would be sad not seeing Danny. Dr Phelps assured her that what she was feeling was a normal part of survivors' guilt. Casey also mentioned she was eager to get back to work. There had been no conditions of how she had to be to come back but Dr Phelps wanted her to at least take two weeks off and come back part time and go from there. Casey was agreeable to this.

She and Ethan agreed to Casey staying with him for two weeks. Ethan took the first week off. When Casey was not having a therapy session, they found solace in each other. Casey knew that using sex as a coping mechanism was not the most healthy thing but it helped her feel alive. The week that Ethan went back to work came. Casey enjoyed being by herself. She read some of Ethan’s books and went to a few therapy sessions. She also had a back to work meeting with Naveen and Ethan, as well as HR where they discussed Casey coming back to work part time. They also brought up their relationship. That it was not an arrangement, a fling but a bona fide relationship. Naveen was happy that they were back together. Despite Ethan’s position they agreed with Naveen’s blessing that Ethan could continue to be her manager. Ethan was relieved. Naveen was happy and so was Casey. Ethan and Casey had already discussed keeping work at work and personal away from work and they agreed to be professional at work. Ethan stated he would disclose to the team when she came back. Casey was apprehensive but also happy to be out in the open. She knew that June was hellbent on finding out what was the deal between her and Ethan, she was optimistic that her and Ethan being in the open but also the approval of HR it would make her think twice in her plans.

————

Authors note: I am looking forward to writing out June and her end is coming. Also there will be a bit of pain coming also so do not say I did not warn you.

For those who have read this far thank you ans dor those who wish to be added to my tags please let me know.

Tagging: @jerzwriter @jamespotterthefirst @genevievemd @youlookappropriate @cariantha @alj4890 @bex-la-get @crazy-loca-blog @a-crepusculo @tessa-liam @potionsprefect @liaromancewriter @lucy-268 @peonierose @ofmischiefandmedicine @schnitzelbutterfingers @binny1985 @trappedinfanfiction

@openheartfanfics @choicesficwriterscreations

#open heart #choices fanfic writers creations #ethan ramsey #casey valentine #Tobias Carrick #June Hirata #au #post attack #choices #choices fanfic #play choices #open heart fanfic

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matchademi · 8 months

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5, 9, 21, 23, 25 Falls, Tic, and Sooool plssss vod’ikaaaa 💙💙💙 (no rush tho)

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

Falls:he is so selfless that he would happily give up his own life for his brothers. He has, on a few occasions, given his own blood to brothers while working to keep them alive. He is gotten scolded by his brothers in the 501st and the Corrie guard for this, but he doesn't care

Tic: If he could tear apart the galaxy together his old battalion back he would in a heart beat, he would be considered a deserter risk when he first joined the Corrie guard

Sol: he would happily volunteer himself for decommissioning if it meant he could stop it from happening permanently. He would never tell anyone this but he has threated to several times

Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

Falls:pretty much the entire song, but this line specifically

"Called to the Devil and the Devil said

Hey! Why you been calling this late?

It's like 2 A.M. and the bars all close at 10 in hell, that's a rule I made

Anyway, you say you're too busy saving everybody else to save yourself

And you don't want no help, oh well

That's the story to tell"

Tic: This makes me think of his grief of losing his battalion

"But i know wounds will heal

But it's hard for me to tell what's fake and what's real

Sometimes i even think that i died that day

And i'm imagining my life and it's stuck on replay"

Sol:we all know the song I think about for him, but it's this line specifically

"I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringin'

Roman Cavalry choirs are singin'

Be my mirror, my sword and shield

My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason, I can't explain

Once you'd gone, there was never, never an honest word

And that was when I ruled the world"

Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

Fall:As I said, he gets really bad migraines after removing his chip, but honestly, his biggest issue is his ADHD. He has the inattentive type, so he'll either not do anything for hours or spend days hyper focusing on something

Tic:he deals with tics (not like tourettes but just small tics. I deal with them a lot), and after losing his battalion, he ended up with a trauma induced stutter, and his tics get worse

Sol:Not so many illnesses or disorders, but his knee injury really starts to get worse as time goes on. After he left Kamino, he would need crunches and a leg bracefor years. He hates it but if he trys to go without them he gets screamed at

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Honestly, for me, this is a one answer fits all (plus I spent like 10 minutes looking at lists of emotions, but I'm autistic so I don't really understand them oop) and that is feeling safe (idk if that's a emotion but let's all roll with it) they have all gone through their own personal hells and so feeling safe is not easy for any of them. Tic is the most obvious after losing his battalion he will for a long time feel like he will lose everyone he cares for again after joining the corrie guards. Falls has had to always look over his shoulder and be one of the best to avoid decommissioning. And Sol never fully released he felt so unsafe on Kamino till he left

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

Falls:he was my first clone oc in this Fandom, and he allowed me to connect to a lot of other people. Also, his kindness and willingness to help others, even if it's out of his comfort zone

Tic:he is me in a lot of ways with the stuttering and ticking, and it's nice to have a character to show that part of me

Sol:he is just pure sunshine (also, he shows now love for kids, especially my nephews )

#clone medic falls #oc:trooper tic #oc:commander sol #clone medic oc #clone trooper oc #clone commander oc #star wars #the clone wars #i love them so much AHH

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marshmallowprotection · 2 years

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hello!! thanks for answering my ask abt the comfort stuff, tumblr is horrible with asks sometimes TT and please take as long as you need!!!

i would really appreciate some comfort with ray,, i kinda have this recurring fantasy ig about confiding about my trauma n family stuff in him but even in such a fictional scenario I feel bad about ‘complaining’ because it’s not nearly as bad as what he went through ;;; though I really relate to him as a character and logically I know it’s Pretty Bad. i guess what im trying to say is that I would like ray to tell me my pain is valid,, or something along those lines. thank you.

Ray hates it when you have tears in your eyes. He can’t stand to see you hurt or upset. it’s like his world is caving in around him. He can’t imagine seeing you in a place where you can’t stop crying and hiding away from the rest of the world. It’s like someone told him he couldn’t see the sky. It crushes him and he can’t stand it. He brought you to Magenta so he could protect you and keep you safe from any harm that could find you.

If there was something that he couldn’t stop... like this hurt inside of your heart?

He feels like he’s not good enough for you. He fears that he didn’t do enough to make this place safe. How can the past keep finding you? He’s doing so much to erase the bad memories by giving you happier memories... but you’re still lost in a sea of anguish. What can he do? He thinks for hours about what he can try to do but he always comes up blank. He doesn’t know how to take away the hurt from your heart.

With trembling digits, all he knows to do is take you by the hand and lead you into the gardens. He won’t let go just because he’s afraid the pain might take your heart away from him again. You don’t see a point in telling him that your body is tired or that you’d rather not bother him with your feelings.. you’ve tried to tell him that you’ll feel better in the morning but you know that’s a lie. He can see it’s a lie, too. Trauma knows trauma, and that’s undeniable.

“Ray...?”

He grips your hand tighter when you say his name.

“Where are we going?”

His back stiffens when you ask him anything about his actions.

It takes him a few minutes to respond. He led you throughout the grounds to places that you hadn’t been before. It was late into the evening so you noticed fewer lamps placed along the pathway. The darker it became, the closer that you were pulled into his embrace. He didn’t want you to trip over anything or get hurt because he wasn’t paying attention to everything.

You weren’t sure what was on his mind, just that you were tucked closely into his arms underneath his coat. You felt the cravat he was wearing tickle your nose as you took in a breath. It wasn’t too chilly outside but you knew that he’d say that it was better to be like this, anyway. You felt safe with him... and he felt safer right by your side. It was better this way.

“Prince/ss, I know I don’t... say it enough, but I’m happy you’re here with me. I wish that I knew ways to better take care of you when you feel bad. If I could do anything... everything for you... I would. I would take care of you like a butler if I had to do, cleaning you, feeding you, giving you anything you could ever desire and need, I would. I promise I will do my best to keep you safe in my garden of protection. Nothing bad can reach you when you’re with me. I promise. I know my voice is small and I’m not very confident... but I won’t let anyone lay a hand on you. I won’t let your darkest thoughts get you. Your pain... I wish you never had to suffer.”

“But, it’s okay now. You suffered but you won’t any more. I won’t let you suffer. I will take all your suffering away. Your pain... it’s real... it’s so real that I can feel the anguish in your heart. I want to make your pain go away... I never want it to touch you again. Let me in... let me into your heart so I can protect you from all this pain, my flower. You know my suffering, and I yours. We have experienced so much pain... but together... together we can be safe.”

#ask #anon #modkait #mystic messenger #mysme #mm #drabble #ray choi #choi ray #saeran choi #choi saeran #ray mysme #ray mystic messenger #ray mm #mm ray #mysme ray #mystic messenger ray

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sleepyowlwrites · 1 year

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Do owls, at dawn, to help them sleep,

count in field mice instead of sheep?

Sleepy, that's not the real question. What are a few of your favourite things to write? What kind of scenes, or types of characters?

I imagine that if they were counting field mice they'd get all excited and want to catch one. they probably count their feathers.

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THIS-

I say with not truly genuine outrage (lordy I keep misspelling everything, wonder what that could be a sign of). I feel like people ask me this a lot but maybe I'm bonkers.

probably I'm bonkers anyway but uh to answer your question.

I like to write about friends. I like to write about shenanigans. I like to write about people becoming friends while getting up to shenanigans. and I like hurt/comfort. I like to sidle the hurt/comfort up to the shenanigans and sneak little layers of it in there. I like sandwiches - shenanigans | EMOTIONS | shenanigans | hurt | comfort | shenanigans - and so on, that kind of stuff.

a lot of times it's fantasy. at the very least it's only vaguely reality. but like. if I sum up my wips real quick.

youth story - ten teenagers having emotions and sometimes talking about them

city story - young angry man attempts to avoid emotions by punching things but makes friends anyway how did that happen

summon story - young people become friends while accidentally solving the plot through shenanigans

mercenary story - mercenaries follow a princess into shenanigans and deal with their trauma by becoming a family

guild story - young folks just living life but it's full of shenanigans and often involving each other oops guess we're friends now

apocalypse story - two guys have emotions in an empty city

I have more but they're all about friend-family groups getting up to shenanigans and having emotions, often very viscerally. I thrive off of emotional descriptions and metaphors, punchy or quippy dialogue and the occasional scene setter that is quite atmospheric. apparently I can also write a decent hand-to-hand fight scene, so that's cool.

oh, and physical affection. it's in every wip, because I love it, so a lot of my characters do too. and there's no romance, because I don't care about that. but there's lots of hugging and cuddling and kisses and headpats and love.

an example below the cut just for fun, before my eyes give out:

City Story:

“Whatever it is you’re doing, please stop.”

Rune pauses with one hand fishing a stray empty can from behind the tool rack and cranes her neck around to peer up at Yarrow.

“Stop looking for the can you threw over here?” She goes right back to squeezing her arm underneath the bottom shelf.

Yarrow taps his foot impatiently while Rune finds the can. “I meant whatever is making your hands look like that,” he clarifies, tone much more serious than he ever is, about anything.

Jet can just tell that this conversation is either going to be ignored or it’s going to happen, loudly, and somebody is going to end up bleeding. That doesn’t sound like a terrible outcome, but four in the afternoon on a Sunday and he’s too lazy to get involved in a fight just now. So he wanders closer with zero pretext, his arms crossing out of habit.

“Are your hands usually clean?” Rune replies, mildly. “What’s wrong with mine?”

“Look at them!” Yarrow’s voice doesn’t rise in volume, just pitch. “They’re all beat up! Aren’t you a teacher? What have you been doing- it doesn’t matter what- no, it matters, actually. Are you just another Jet, now? You go around picking fights because you’re mad at the world?”

Wait, hang on. What? That’s not- Jet doesn’t pick fights because he’s mad at something else. If he throws a punch at someone it’s because he wants to throw a punch at that person. Even in a random fight. He chooses his opponent, and then they’re his enemy. He’ll take them down. His anger at the world is another thing entirely.

“Rune doesn’t pick fights.” There. A response that leaves him out of the argument.

Yarrow rolls his eyes. “Doesn’t mean she avoids getting into them. There are plenty of ways you can position yourself to be able to take part in fights. Or do you just have the worst luck when you’re wandering the city at night?”

Jet feels his defense come rushing up, but he’s a little stuck on the fact that Yarrow is very aware of his activities, much more than he would’ve given him credit for. “I don’t go browsing for a fight. I just don’t turn it down if it finds me.”

“You go browsing.” Yarrow states it firmly, and it sits like a stone at Jet’s feet, unmovable and very, very true.

Rune half-heartedly clears her throat. “I can participate in my own arguments.” The words are considerably more pointed this time.

“So what are you doing that’s making your hands look like this?” Yarrow repeats, straight back to the original topic.

“A project. I don’t have many people helping me, so it’s slow going. I don’t really want a lot of people helping me. I like going slow. There’s lifting and carrying and throwing things away. My hands get roughed up. Whatever.”

Jet knows that’s exactly all Rune is prepared to say about it, hears the finality in her phrasing. If Yarrow pesters her for more information, there might really be a fight. There is so much unknown about Rune, but Jet has at least determined that if she’s said her piece on a subject, she can’t be forced into explaining further. If pushed, she will push back.

“Okay.” Jet goes for a decided tone as well. “She’s not getting into fights. You don’t have to worry,” he addresses it to Yarrow, hoping he’s listening.

Yarrow wrinkles his nose slightly, showing he’s not ready to give up the discussion, but then he doesn’t say anything else, just nods unhappily.

Jet ends up walking her out to her car. Then, foolishly, he says exactly what’s on his mind. “You okay?”

Rune fiddles with her keys and Jet has no idea what she’s thinking. Even her eyes are vacant, staring across the street at nothing. “Sure.”

“Do you wanna sleep at my place tonight?” Do you not want to be alone? Jet doesn’t know why he bothers assuming that he might be some sort of comfort. He’ll never see that in himself, but Rune tends to see him quite differently.

“No.” There’s some kind of space after that rejection, though, an empty beat where Rune might’ve said something else but is stubbornly just thinking it instead.

Jet must really be feeling the lazy weekend because again, he just spits out, “Then do you want me to sleep at yours?”

And the silence seems to speak volumes, clinging to Jet’s skin in a way he can’t even pretend he likes. Hesitation is not Rune’s style. Vulnerability is not her style. It’s not his, either. But they certainly provoke these unwanted things from each other.

“Sure,” is what she says eventually.

Jet allows himself to think that he knows what she’s not saying.

Please.

thanks for asking, Valance!

#sleepy answers #blorbo blursday

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threadsun · 11 months

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\(//∇//)\Oh you little rascal you! Got me swinging my legs over here giggling and crap 😂 Dude, with me being a libra and all, I freaking LIVE for exchanges like that. I’ll gently push here and there (respectfully, of course) until BAM! I’M ON THE GROUND! I don’t do it in a mean way because it’s not in my blood, but it’s just so much fun to tease a bit! Shoot, am I brat? •.• But legit, I know the feeling, well, in a subby way at least. I’m just like, am I going too far? Was it too much? As you can clearly tell I’m a VERY descriptive writer so I’m just sweatin bullets over here being like, “Did I cross the line there?” Lol. But ahhh that makes sense with Joesph and Jack. Got that good old balancing act once they have healthier relationships with themselves. I can totally see them being service based! But UGH can you just imagine how amazing it’d be to finally have the conversation with them where they feel comfortable enough to share their sexual preferences because they feel safe and comfortable enough with you? Just all that healthy communication and then blowing their minds by just hitting all the right places, having them feel fulfilled and loved while they finally love themselves enough to enjoy it? That they think they’re WORTHY of receiving that love and attention and DESERVE IT? That they can be themselves and receive unconditional love? UGH, freaking love it man! Of course, I also love my Yandere spicy men, but like, healthy bonding and healing is so hot too! But that makes sense with Jack willingly pushes all of his precious desires down he had as Joesph. I know Jack is doing it personally to himself and is being shady af, but poor baby boi putting his life on difficult mode when he could just be loved as Joesph. I know the reasonings and that he’s a fully grown man completely aware of his actions, but my freaking heart man! I’m more emotionally driven than logic based so I keep those rose tinted super glued to my face 😂 Real people? Those bad boys be flying off from the moment they say hi. Fictional characters? What do you mean he’s not good for me? He’s only killed 4 guys and locked me in the house for 18 days so it’s not THAT bad!

-🎃

Sounds like someone might be a little bit of a brat, yeah ;3c but hey, that's okay! Just keep pushing and being bratty until someone puts you in your place and reminds you why you love to submit~

lmao yeah my default mode is flirting. I flirt with all of my friends and for my job, so I struggle to turn it off sometimes. But I don't wanna make people uncomfortable either? Then again, if people are coming onto the Kinky Smut Blog, they're probably expecting at least a lil flirting if they talk to me, hopefully?

Yes, exactly!! They're both service oriented, they want to please their partner first and foremost!! But when they finally get comfortable and can embrace the idea of being served, and having their needs and wants prioritised... oh boy does it blow their minds! As soon as they can get comfortable enough to open up with their partners about what they want, rather than just constantly catering to their partner's desires, it opens up a whole world of possibilities! Especially if their partner happens to have the same wants, and just hasn't expressed them yet. Healthy and honest sexual communication is so good!!! I love seeing it so much.

Oh relatable, like yes Jack did it to himself, but also 🥺 he's like this for a reason!! He's like this because of all the trauma Joseph went through!! Sure, irl I'd be like "dude it's on you to fix this shit" but like in fiction... I just wanna wrap him up and tell him its okay and hold his hand while we work through his issues together. I wanna give broken characters who do bad things because of their experiences the same love and care and understanding that I want given to me when I do bad things because of my experiences (though, the bad things I do are like being a lil bitchy not kidnapping). If they're worthy of love and care and help, then I am too! It's character therapy!

#sunshine #asks #🎃 anon

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scary-senpai · 2 years

Text

Deeply Flawed People, Trying Very Hard Pt. 1

Say what you will about the last chapter (164?), I think this much is true: materializing on the gross physical plane to delete an entire scene that depicts you as vulnerable and replacing it with “nice try, bitch!” (and being exceptionally spiteful because of how accurate it all is)... that seems Garou-esque to me.

...of course, that isn’t what happened, but isn’t it pretty to think so? ;)

I’m just putting my thoughts out there, but I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything. It’s an offering--take what sparks joy, or don’t. Admittedly, as I analyze the chapter, I’m having a difficult time separating what I can cite from the source material from generally accepted headcanons, and the things we collectively extrapolate. I am still not sure how I feel about recent eents, particularly this last chapter--I’m still reeling from emotional whiplash.

And when it comes to emotional whiplash, I’m not the only one:

^^That’s the “original” (which was ret-conned)

Same panel, opposite sentiment. Or is it?

To me (and I’m just stating how I feel, I’m not out to convince anyone), the second panel feels more authentic to me, more true to character. But you know what’s also very Garou? Living two truths at once, and being confused about it. So, I really have no doubt that he’s thinking the same thing in both panels, and there is a through-line to them, disparate though they may be: In both images, Garou just wants the pain to stop.

In the second version, though, Garou seems to admit that it’s all about him. We could infer this from the panel that came before it:

This reads like the things people actually say in moments of desperation and anger. This reads like an authentic confession to me. They’re not calm; they don’t suddenly give up and sit quietly--they explode and collapse. And there’s a reason why Garou has co-opted Ultimate Evil to allegedly do good: that’s the perennial excuse that people make for themselves when they break the golden rule (”that which is hateful to you, do not do unto your neighbor. the rest is but commentary; now go and study”). And, Murata/ONE have been very clear that this is the one job heroes have: to stand up for children, and to be kind. Garou’s behavior cancels out in more ways than one.

“I want to hurt people, because I hurt...” This statement... I believe that it’s ugly, I believe that it’s true, and moreover, I believe that it’s something that Garou has to admit, if he ever hopes to heal.

I don’t think that this anger makes Garou a bad character; I believe it’s what makes him human--not just human, but relatable.

Who among us hasn’t lashed out to another in moments of painful, furious desperation, believing for a moment that fighting will extinguish the flames rather than feed them? Kids (and adults, sometimes) throw tantrums because they need help they don’t know how to ask for; Garou’s age makes him very much still a kid. Moreover, it’s hard to conceptualize healing from trauma if you haven’t experienced it yet. It just seems like everything is going to hurt, all the time, forever. So why bother breaking the cycle? There’s also something validating about being in pain--it adds some realness to nebulous emotions, and proves (for lack of a better word) we’re not crazy about the things we feel for what sometimes seems like no reason.

And when I think of my worst moments (especially when I was his age), I imagine my pain as an open wound, bleeding over everyone and everything even as it heals.

...This is, coincidentally, how Garou looks in most panels: even his “Awakened” form still has bandages. Why? He certainly doesn’t need them.

I’m grappling with why I find Garou’s rage in the recent version more comforting than the quiescence he shows in the earlier version, and that has to do with what the opposite of anger actually is: it isn’t apathy, it’s love. Apathy is just that; absence. It’s pretty frightening in concept, and a mic-drop moment when a character like Garou actually experiences it. It seems too early for that, here.

When I think of Garou, I think of this quote from Milan Kundera’s Immortality. In this novel, Kundera writes: “If Mars were an entire ball of suffering, it wouldn't move us because we are outside that world.”

Garou hates everyone, but he hates everyone loudly, in a way that forces their attention. But he’s also no fool; he knows what he’s like, and how much of that he can’t control with the tools that he has in this moment, which is why he puts so much effort into avoiding the people that actually matter: he doesn’t want to inflict himself on them. (or so I speculate, from lived experience).

So, Garou’s anger at the world proves that he still considers himself a part of it--so, even though he isn’t extolling his noble desire to fix things, this leads me to believe it’s still there. At first, I questioned why his line of thinking had changed so drastically from his conversation with Tareo, where he silently begged the boy to stop crying, to please let him remake the world to a better one, where children don’t cry... and then I remember the bittersweet irony of that moment: in that scene, Garou was the only one making people cry. Bang and Tareo, as Saitama so astutely points out. Because that’s the road to hell, isn’t it--all these good intentions.

I will admit that my earlier assumption is unfair (Garou’s gone from anger to apathy), because we only see how Garou looks, not what’s in his head. He could be quaking with a very quiet rage--can’t help but notice he’s still literally on fire, so. There’s that.

Assuming Garou’s still burning figuratively as well as literally, that’s not necessarily a good sign, either. ”Quiet” children are convenient, but that doesn’t mean they’re okay. That seems to be the crux of Garou’s childhood: he stays quiet until he reaches a boiling point, at which point everyone scolds him, because he must know better, right? He was always so good before. Well-Behaved Kid Syndrome is a lot like Gifted Kid Syndrome: adults interpret your (very real) struggles as a character flaw. But the truth is you were never really flourishing, only compensating.

This is certainly a known issue for kids like Garou: the ones lashing out and making their problems known are the ones that get the interventions. And if you don’t have a safe space where children (or adults, for that matter) can come to you and be vulnerable, what sort of behavior might that encourage?

So maybe the Dr. Saitama scene is a chance for Garou to break the cycle--to finally live the thing he’s been craving, for the same miserable situation to turn out differently-- for Garou to turn over a new leaf, much as Genos did. The imagery could certainly be a throwback to that aspect of Saitama’s backstory as well, but that’s the thing: Saitama appears to have grown since then, but Garou hasn’t. He’s still sitting like a scared kid, one that knows he’s being scolded.

That’s the tricky thing about emotionally closed off characters: you can bring them together, but you can’t make them speak: Garou is someone who needs to literally break apart before he can begin healing, and maybe that’s the tragic thing about this scene, and why I can’t help but feel it would have backfired: Saitama is better equipped to help Garou than he was before, but he’s asking for something that Garou can’t do yet and it seems like Saitama (the man with no emotions) is ill-equipped to show him how.

In a sense, though, these hypotheticals doesn’t matter--we can’t compare the scene we have to the one behind the curtain but, but. Our compulsion to make comparisons speaks for itself, in a way.

When it comes to Garou’s ending, I’ve always wished for something along the lines of Mob Psycho: “I’ll see out your anger until it passes. I’ll stay with you, and keep you safe from everything--including you.”

If I were engineering this interaction (which, I guess it doesn’t matter, because I’m not), and my goal was to transition towards a heartfelt conversation between Garou and Saitama, I would have had Saitama lie down in the water beside Garou, so that Garou could deliver his speech to the sky (without facing anyone, or showing his face), but honestly, Garou doesn’t have to speak for the scene to work, he can just lie there until he feels ready to get up again. Or maybe Saitama helps him up, and that way, when Saitama reaches his hand out, there’s no doubt about what that gestures means, and why Garou has finally allowed himself to accept it. And furthermore, Saitama’s trust is earned, which means he’s deserving of any confidence he gets. You can argue that humans owe each other kindness, but not necessarily explanations. Confessions aren’t supposed to be something you punch out of someone.

And as they talk, or don’t talk, maybe the rain washes away Garou’s exterior, too, giving us a poignant visual-falling as a monster and rising as a human, and Garou’s an active participant in shedding his own exterior. That would be nice, I think...to give him a little agency in all this, without oversimplifying what growth actually looks like, how painful even these necessary changes can be.

#one punch man #opm #garou #saitama #meta #opm spoilers #spoilers #manga spoilers #opm manga

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