#so one of the people in my group is like oh cal do u know tft and im like uhh yeah but its been a while since i played | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wlw-lovestruck-fiction · 4 years

Note

Onyx tells Mc she’s pregnant. They hosts a party for everyone to announce of Onyx’s pregnancy. How they announce it and how everyone react are up to you!

Written by @evoedbd

WARNINGS Mentions of abuse Mentions of miscarriage Potentially offensive attempts at humor

Chanouncement

Cali was good with weird. Completely fine. The last year had seen her life absolutely flipped on its head. Perhaps rolled over by a truck, chopped up, tossed into a woodchipper, fed to gulls, shat out across the country… the picture was quite morbid.

Cali had foolishly thought her life couldn’t get any weirder. After all, she was dating the nicer of two near identical twins, who both so happened to be supernaturally selected demon slayers. The “evil” twin had turned Cali into a well of Supernatural energy and used said power to give the demons a massive level up. That wasn’t all, she’d also watched said twin, whilst possessed, gut Onyx, the love of her life and watched Onyx emerge a dragon. If that wasn’t unusual and morbid enough, Cali had literally shouted her romantic love at a literal dragon, who had once been her five-foot nothing girlfriend. Cali had been dating a literal dragon. In love with a literal dragon. That should have topped the weirdness charts. But no, Cali had then become the next Envy herself, and thus the only human bridge between a mod girl reincarnated into a brown bear, and her dead girlfriend. If that wasn’t enough, she’d been part of a ritual to bring her girlfriend back into human form, and to top it off, Cali discovered that her blood was the literal key to her girlfriend’s soul and destroying it. Nothing too serious. Just casual lesbian disaster stuff. Only, neither she nor Onyx were actually lesbians. Both of them appreciated men. In the sexy way. In the “Onyx had dated a man who abused her until her twin sister had gutted him like a pig and stolen his supernatural powers”, way. That kind of bisexual… no wonder some people were a little intimidated by the Queer community. Between U-Haul lesbians not checking for demon possession and world ending bisexuals, that was all pretty scary.

Though not as scary as what she and her lady love planned to do. As fate would have it, if fate was a wonderful arsehole conscious, Cali had been delivered a further dose of weirdness in her unusual life. Weirdness in the form of her formerly dragon, formerly dead girlfriend discovering she was pregnant under the potent influence of ritualistic magic, which had restored her human form. Given that these circumstances would have been terrifying for anybody, even without the added fact that she was now vulnerable for a demon demi-devil’s possession and the prime target of an apocalyptic plot, it made absolute sense that Onyx was anxious. Cali had been there, she understood how end of the world pressure like that could mess with a girl, which was why it was imperative to bring the team up to date on the latest development… and no, that was not a kidney, not yet. Onyx wasn’t that far along.

So far, the plan of a joyful distraction had gone off without a hitch. The common area was alive with laughter flowing from the Sin Troupe. Alcohol flowed relatively freely, along with several bowls and bags of typical party food such as potato chips and popcorn. The floor was already littered with crumbs, mostly from the boys throwing scraps at Wrath between rounds of charades. One thing Cali had learned tonight was that for a group that entertained for a living, a group also responsible for concealing the fact the world was woefully fucked from the general population, they were horrific actors. Now the money and tickets made sense, for even the most deluded of fans would surely notice the cracks if it was left to their acting skills alone.

“Shaving! Um, WHIPPED! Oh! BDSM KINK SHAMING!”

“Moron.”

“Darius… how did you even get that from dancing?”

“Oh? That’s what it is? I thought Wrath was possessed.”

“She’s Britney Spears. Cal’s her circus boy.”

“Well we aren’t all DJs here, Malakai. How was I supposed to get that from whatever she and Cal were doing?”

Cali didn’t tune into the words after that. She was back to anxious, or perhaps the woman tucked under her arm was. It was difficult to tell with the bond so active, causing the teeth marks on her shoulder to burn with the heat of a dragon’s love. Try as she might, she was caught between two violent sensations. The magic of the mark; memories of heat as playful nips had become a serious bite, a possessive one from a Dragon unlike the world had ever seen, or ever would. It wasn’t like anybody had seen Onyx as a dragon… except two sold out nights of the Sin Circus, a carnival ground and a shopping mall full of super excited fans and everyone online. Ok, that was a lot of people who’d seen Onyx as a dragon. That could be a problem. Which led to the anxiety. The type which made sweat prickle in all the uncomfortable places and her stomach do terrified flips. She wasn’t even the pregnant one. Onyx had to survive a pregnancy, targeting and contain a literal dragon’s soul.

All Cali had to do was make the statement that she had an announcement to make like a normal human being. She had to ignore the sweat trickling down her palms, tickling every crease, and how her heart skipped several beats in the past minute; rushing faster and faster until she could hear in her ears when she closed her eyes. Slower Blinks. She had to be normal. Be normal. Be normal. Be normal.

All she had to do was make a single little announcement, that was admittedly life changing. It wasn’t like these people would judge. After all they were supernatural Demon assassins chosen by mystical powers based on the Seven Deadly Sins. If there was any group which were not judgemental it would surely be these people.

“I have channouncement to make.” she said with a rather high-pitched voice and a casual smile just a little too tight to be completely relaxed. In a room full of assassins she might as well have been waving a red flag saying terrified med school dropout alert. This was the time for the royal skill of fake it till you make it mixed with an impossibly large dose of denial. Anxious? Cali? Hah! No way. She had nailed it.

“What she means is we want to tell you something. Since we’re already playing charades, we want to try and see if you can guess.” Onyx chimed in, snuggling playfully under Cali’s arm. The mechanic grinned, letting her goofy affection conceal another wave of nerves. It was easier if she just stared at Onyx and let her face do what it would do. Give in to the muscles making her smile as she got lost in the most dazzling green eyes the world had ever seen. The dusting of blue eyeshadow really made those eyes pop, like emeralds offered to thieves on booby trapped pedestals. Hah, boobs! Cali liked those. Especially Onyx’s. No matter how Cali tried to avoid falling for the emerald trap, she found her gaze lingering, feasting on how the light shone across dark lashes and the rhinestone piercing just beneath Onyx’s right eye. It kept focus away from tender pink lips, from subtle little bites that portrayed a mix of excitement and nerves. Cali doubted the others would realise Onyx was anything other than playful. Afterall Onyx was a master of faking it until she made it, even to her closest friends. It showed in how loose her body was, how genuine her show stopping smile seemed. If Cali hadn’t felt the flickering within the bond, she may have bought Onyx’s act. That and the affection. How Onyx’s arm around her waist pulled that little bit too tight to be casual. Or how trimmed nails tried to dig into the grey fabric of Cali’s shirt; dragon talons clinging to the finest treasure. A scared girl seeking reassurance.

“Right. And to make it a team Envy experience, I’m going to tell Rip how to act.” Cali explained out loud, barely restraining her laughter as Ripley’s eagerness flooded her mind.

“Alright! I’m the best at charades! My acting is on point. Everyone thinks I’m a bear.”

Cali didn’t have the heart to tell Ripley that her “bear” act was entirely too adorable to be terrifying. Ripley may have the body of a bear, her soul, however, was still that of a tender human. Her soft eyes would strike terror into the hearts of the masses, along with her awkward attempts at snarls and finely groomed coat. Every gesture of her paws would see her painted pink claws drip sparkles, which admittedly might be horrifying to cishet folk. Ripley as always, was dressed for battle, wearing a fearsome checkered neck scarf, complete with an adorable little bow…truly, Ripley could intimidate the world into movies and cuddles. She could terrify little girls into dropping popcorn into her open maw as she scrolled an iPad and lamented the fashion she could no longer wear. She was oh so very, very terrifying. Cali had fallen for the bear terror for five seconds when they’d met, that was true. Then again, Cali had also believed Vinca a completely evil maniac who killed Onyx’s boyfriend, who was a loving and uplifting man, just to steal his powers and fuck with Onyx. She had assumed Dorran had loved and cherished Onyx until his dying breath. Cali had assumed Dorran had trained her, protected her, instead of abused her and hurled her at demons. Cali’s track record with assumptions was pretty horrific, actually. Horrifically awful.

She realised her lingering rage must have echoed through the bond when a soft touch to her forearm drew her attention. Once again, she was drawn into the trap of green, found herself beneath the crashing wave of Onyx’s gaze. This gaze, however, was different. It was sympathy and confusion, a jumbled mess of understanding which stood secondary to the fact Onyx wished to soothe. A small flick at the corner of Cali’s mouth let Onyx know the gesture was received, the storm had passed, at least for now. She didn’t need to keep her gaze on Onyx to know that the former Envy Assassin’s expression mirrored her own. Cheeky grins and eyes twinkling with mischief as Cali allowed her mind to sink into the images and emotions she needed to convey, needed Ripley to convey. Onyx was their awareness, her approval expressed in delighted cackles and birdsong laughter, by her touch on Cali’s arm shifting with her small body.

The bear started out stiff, walking in shorter, wider strides on hind legs as forelegs awkwardly extended before her in a zombie like attempt of curves. A few strides in, Ripley fell forwards, catching her weight on her forepaws, before attempting her waddling all over again. This time, poor Ripley tried to bring them to her back, only to manage to reach her hips; range of motion not allowing her any further. The awkward waddling, paws on hips appeared like something off a runway full of models who had indulged in too many illegal substances. The display had everyone howling with glee, even Ripley within the Envy Trio’s heads. Eventually, Ripley ceased the arms, instead waddling awkwardly around as crew shouted out their guesses.

“Zombies!”

“Onyx got a Runway offer!”

”Did you buy a petting zoo?”

Both Cali and Onyx laughed, shaking their heads to every shout. Ripley let forth a beastly groan as she lowered herself to the ground, then rolled onto her back. After some awkward shuffling, the bear eventually lifted her feet straight into the air, spread apart as far as her beastly hips would allow. The pose was awkward enough for a human, let alone a bear, with her little tail all fluffed up and her long arms gesturing in awkwardly small arcs across her rather fuzzy stomach.

“Onyx is getting a feature in a music video!”

“She’s designing for a dance studio!”

“Onyx has put on weight!”

“We’re meant to guess an announcement, moron, not state an obvious.”

“Cal, manners.”

“It’s true, she is a bit bulkier since she became human again.”

“You know, it’d be easier if you just told me what I was acting, instead of having me rolling around like a pregnant whale.” Ripley sighed through the bond, rising halfway before freezing. She seemed shocked beyond comprehension. Had she been human, Cali was sure Ripley’s face would have lost its hue. The Envy trio stared at each other. Onyx’s face had gone ashen with fright, concern filtering through her tight smile. Her apprehension flooded the bond, all her concerns jumbled together in a tide which threatened to wash both Ripley and Cali away. Fear that she might lose the approval of her sister figure. That she might garner disapproval or be judged for something beyond her control. That everyone would hate her. That she’d be alone again.

“Onyx is…?” Ripley’s question never came through completely.

The moment Cali realised what was happening, her mind was there. She stormed Onyx’s consciousness, shield raised to deflect every horrific thought and fear before she lashed out. Snapshots of fantasy, impossibilities given life for a few seconds. A scent more appealing and delicate than anything else the world could offer. Soft baby blonde hairs that appeared almost white against more tanned skin. Emerald green eyes glistening with nothing but utter adoration. The rush of family, how the feeling of their support could provide wings. Onyx, belly rounded, cheeks flushed and eyes twinkling with delight, toes kicking through a gentle stream. A loving smile from Vinca, the sharpness abandoned as she cooed over an innocent child. How tiny a child would be in Wrath’s large arms, yet how tender the brawler would be. Malakai’s warm smile as the baby traced his tattoos. Darius, dangling his chain just out of their reach as the babe giggled. Cal, strumming his guitar as the three men sung to the babe, who slumbered in an older Avi’s arms.

“Oh my god! Onyx is-” Again, Ripley never finished the though. Her eyes rolled backwards, almost as if she were being possessed in a hammer horror film. Her legs gave out, her body crumpled to the ground. Cali found herself swaying, her vision filled with black dots as the intensity of their emotions washed over the trio, sweeping them away in the tsunami. She clung to Onyx, fighting to keep the smallest Envy assassin on her feet. Onyx seemed to feel the same way, given how she clung tighter to Cali, preventing the Chinese woman from falling. A loud crash let Cali know that Ripley had indeed gone through the bowls of supplied snacks, along with the table they rested on. Chips flew everywhere, spraying across the penthouse along with shards of broken bowls. The laughter stopped, everyone half rising, half looking towards Cali.

“… That wasn’t part of the announcement.” Was the only thing Cali could offer to the expectant assassins. The room went eerily silent, enough that one might hear crickets chirping, or the din from the streets of Vegas echoing to the top floor of the hotel.

“She’s having a baby!” An entirely too cheerful voice broke the deafening silence, drawing everyone’s attention to Cal’s little boy. Avi stood in the doorway to the common area, his little yellow hood pulled up over sleep tussled black locks. His deep brown eyes shone like melted chocolate, filled with a tired child’s innocent delight and excitement. Cali couldn’t help but smile at the boy, giving him the smallest nod of approval, which only made him smile so delightedly that his white teeth stood starkly against his dark skin.

“How does that tie into O- oh…” Malakai started out confused, only for realisation to flood his rich eyes. His mouth fell open, brows arching towards his hairline as his gaze travelled between Avi, Cali then to Onyx. Cali couldn’t read him, couldn’t tell what that meant. Oh? That was ALL he had to say? Just oh? Oh, that was, OH, so very helpful.

“Oh?” Wrath began, her own eyes following the same path Malakai’s had.

“Ohhhhh…” She drew out, seeming to have reached the same conclusion he had. Cali felt herself bunch up, muscles rippling beneath her skin as if they were infected vines. Did they not realise what they were doing? Could they not see how Onyx shrunk away from them? Could they not tell how close to tears she was? It flooded Cali’s body, overwhelming her with its chill. As if winter had fallen for a thousand years across all her nerves until only an aching numbness lingered. The subtle tensions through her screamed her protective intentions as she angled herself defensively between the troupe and Onyx, shielding the anxious woman from such evident attention. If the troupe were going to hurt her, then they had better be prepared to face the wrath of Two Envy Assassins… or at least a sassy bike mechanic.

“Oh.” Wrath concluded. It was simple but telling, accompanied by the pinch of her brows. Confusion and consideration warred within her eyes, yet her face remained remarkably blank. It was enough to have Onyx’s breath escape shakily as she clung to Cali’s arm, squeezing until she was sure her nails would be biting through the colourful cloth of her hoodie. If Cali felt pain, it didn’t show, she simply stood silent. A guardian. A woman ready to fight tooth and nail to protect what she loved. The magic within her mark burned immensely hot, scorching Cali’s skin as its darkness flared, much like a panther swishing its tail in agitation. Despite everything, Onyx couldn’t help but lean closer, pressing her forehead into the mark she had left so long ago.

“Yeah. Big Oh.” Cal agreed, his own eyes shifting between everyone, calculating in his sharp, judgemental manner.

“A bad oh?” Cali challenged, unable to endure the strain of not knowing for a second longer. The calculating glances, the wide-eyed silence, everything screaming silent judgements. Cali couldn’t stand it, and if she couldn’t then she knew Onyx would be drowning. The blonde seemed to cower, tucking her head into Cali’s collar as the Asian woman unleashed her inner dragon upon every Assassin with a pointed glare. Cali’s arms encased Onyx, a fortress of flesh and bone protecting the scared princess. Despite her height, Cali found herself playing prince and dragon, both warring to keep the princess safe in their ways. It would be so easy to protect with nothing but love, to embody the princely hero and do no evil. Let the Princess make her own mistakes and swoop in to clean up the mess. However, Cali had always been more of a dragon. Someone to shield those she loved from harm with all her might, to try to prevent them ever leaving to make the mistake in the first place.

A universal flinch rolled through the Assassins, ricocheted like a bullet from Cal’s gun once they realised just how they had come across to the smallest yet brightest of their number.

“Girl, you’re gonna be a baby momma? I get to be an uncle?” It was Darius who brought the excitement. His seductive eyes shone with barely restrained glee; glee which bubbled through to his most dashing smile. His whole body appeared to vibrate, as if he was giving everything in order restrain himself. His glee was infectious, seeping into Cali’s muscles with a gentle warmth until they thawed. She allowed herself to relax a little, giving Onyx an opening to lift her head and give a shy nod. At that nod, sparks flew, igniting the warmth within every assassin. Darius practically flew forwards, wrapping his arms around Onyx and Cali in his excitement. Malakai was right behind him, scooping the three huggers into his humongous arms and giving a gentle squeeze. Finally, Onyx laughed with relief so potent it was as if the air itself heaved a sigh.

“I’m so happy for you.” Malakai whispered, lowering his head into the pack so that he could press an adoring kiss to Onyx’s cheek. Darius seemed determined to copy the gesture, planting his own lips to Onyx’s forehead in a few lazy pecks. Onyx giggled, squeezing whomever she could grasp. Cali didn’t kiss, not this time, she simply rested her forehead to Onyx’s temple, offering her own silent support.

“Congratulations, Onyx.” Wrath’s gentle voice was flooded with warmth, with unconditional love as she wrapped her own arms around the group, holding her team as if they may shatter under the intensity of her love. That thought was enough to make Cali smile. Wrath loved as she lived, hard and intense. When one had Wrath’s affection, they had the weight of her heart on their sleeve, the promise of an Arch Angel named for a sin. The warmth of Wrath’s hug was potent beyond the physical, it seeped into the soul. Wrath warmed from the inside out with her embrace, turning everyone mushy and relaxed. None relaxed further than Onyx, who trusted her weight to the men and women wrapped around her. Cali was perhaps the only one who denied herself the safety, instead raising her challenging glare to Caleb North. The only Assassin yet to give a reaction.

“Avi, cover your ears.” He finally began, letting forth a soft hiss of breath between his teeth. Long, callused fingers brushed through his supermodel locks, pushing them away from his glistening forehead as he waited for his ward to obey. Avi, innocently as ever, clamped his little hands over his twee ears. Only when Cal was sure that Avi was blocking his ears did the Sloth Assassin begin.

“I don’t understand how you’re all taking this so well. Especially you, Cali. Even a med dropout should -”

“I didn’t cheat!” Onyx’s outraged cry was enough to have everyone flinching. Onyx was a pool of wrath, sickly tar bubbling to a boil in a cauldron precariously positioned above the archway of a door. Or above the gates soldiers of shame might siege. Cali turned her focus back to Onyx, watching how her nostrils flared, reminiscent of her dragon form. Cali fancied she saw a haunted gleam in Onyx’s blazing green eyes, which had narrowed in utter fury, causing her piercing to gleam like a blade in the light. Gone was the whimpering, terrified maiden within that accusation. Onyx had already been that for two people. Now, Onyx stood confident, challenging the world instead of shying from an abuser. As terrified as she had been of her family’s reaction, Onyx was done running.

“I didn’t even think that!” Cal fired back, as if offended on Onyx’s behalf that such a thing were even considered. It was then Cali could see it. The concern waging war with cautious joy in his deep blue eyes. It was noticing that which kept Cali from lunging into the fray, instead giving Cal a chance to redeem himself in their eyes. Or dig his own grave.

“But pregnancy is stressful enough without adding demons, and the fact that you turned into a dragon! Ask yourself, with everything going on, is this really the time to start playing happy family? Is it safe? You see what I go through with Avi. What if you die, or die again in Onyx’s case? I’m worried about you. A child is a serious responsibility, not something to dabble with in the honeymoon phase of your re-“

“Honeymoon phase? That’s what you’re calling -” Cali fired up, her own dark eyes igniting with rage. Cal had dug his grave with construction grade machinery. She could feel the mark burning, instinctively knew it was the angriest it had ever been, as if rebelling along with the rest of her body. Her vision blurred, weakened legs causing her to half stumble. She could barely hold herself up, yet she wanted nothing more than to lunge at the Sloth assassin. Honeymoon phase? Is that what he thought? There was nothing honeymoon about dying! Nothing honeymoon about offering your soul to a lineage of power just to let the one you love have a single coherent thought!

“Enough.” Wrath didn’t raise her voice. She didn’t need to. The note of finality in her tone was more than enough to bring Cali’s instinctive outrage grinding to a halt long enough for her to take a soothing breath and blink away the haze from her vision. She felt Onyx do the same, even as Malakai, Darius and Wrath untangled from the cuddle huddle and respectfully gave the Envy assassins their breathing room.

“I think Cal is just as confused as we are as to how this happened.”

“The gay club doesn’t know?” Darius’ gasped interruption drew the eyes of the entire room, much like metal shavings to a magnet. Despite his crude wording, his shock that nobody else knew was evident, painted across his dashing face as if it were a canvas hanging in the Louvre.

“Darius. I’m not gay.” Onyx’s correction was gentle, delivered with an amused tilt to her lips.

“Errrmmmm, I’m bi.” Cali lifted a hand timidly, akin to how a child might raise it when unsure of the answer in class.

“I wasn’t invited to any club.” Malakai’s comment was delivered quietly, his brows arched in a mocking display of confusion. Wrath, dutiful as ever, simply crossed her large arms, muscles flexing deliciously with every subtle movement. Her head fell forwards, face meeting her awaiting palm as she bluntly informed everyone.

“There is no club.”

“Code then? So the Bi-bies are having a baby and broke the queer code? Like, aren’t don’t you queers have some form of secret club? How did the Lesbian not know? Aren’t you all meant to be experts on lady parts? Malakai might get a pass as a pan man. Queer people always seem to know everyone’s-”

“Darius.” Malakai began, stepping forwards. The sound of chips crunching beneath his boots was enough to draw a tiny snicker from Cali, though her amusement was quickly smothered by the exhausted frown on Wrath’s face. Her usually blazing eyes held poignant gleam. Something so deeply cut, as if her heart had once more been shattered. The mechanic didn’t even realise where Wrath’s mind had gone, not until she felt Onyx also tense beside her. Oh… that was too telling. The last time Wrath’s sexuality had come into the group, half the group had died. Her family had been torn apart as she helplessly cradled a broken heart heavy in a hollowed out chest. Darius had just toed a landmine; one he didn’t even realise he was prone to step on. Even Cal held his tongue, watching his leader with a softened expression that was all the more lancing. A joust of agony straight to Cali’s chest, or perhaps it was Onyx’s chest. At this point, it didn’t matter, both hearts beat to the same music, each complimentary and connected by the existence of music.

“Stop digging yourself into that hole, man, its deep enough.” Malakai concluded. Darius looked puzzled for a moment as he looked around the room before sudden realisation dawned in his eyes. Never had Cali seen him shuffle as awkwardly as he did then, steadfastly avoiding Wrath’s gaze.

“Right… but yeah, wow, congratulations baby girl, or baby momma now.”

“Thanks.” Onyx muttered, offering a small yet undoubtedly genuine flick of a smile.

“Cali, I gotta say, I did not peg you for… you know?” Darius powered on, earning several confused looks from the group. Genuine awe shone in his eyes, mixed with an overly heaped spoonful of respect. The concoction of emotions was potent, yet it only left Cali blinking in confusion.

“I do?” She drew the sounds out, shuffling awkwardly until she untangled herself from Onyx. With a flick of her chin, she attempted to clear a sweat slicked bang from her face, only to have it catch across her lashes. Her eyes watered, stinging with the saltiness of sweat, punishing her perhaps for not seeing what was going on. Where was Darius going with this?

“Like, wow. I guess we should have known you were packing from all the noise you two make, but I did not even notice.”

“Darius!” Onyx gasped, her tone scolding and scandalised even as the most awkward giggle imaginable bubbled in her throat. The beautiful slopes of her cheeks flushed brilliantly, showing through the layers of makeup in splotchy pinks. Only Cali knew that underneath, Onyx would be brighter than a tomato; her blush the embodiment of coals when left bare to the world.

“Noise? Packing?” Cali inquired, continuing to wipe at her offended eye as she tried to puzzle what Darius was saying.

“Like, your tuck job is insane! And it hardly looks like you’re wearing makeup at all! And your boobs, like, they look real, man.” He powered on like a trooper, gesturing to her chest area.

“Um… they are?” Cali’s questioning tone became even more befuddled. Why was he commenting on her chest? How did that tie into Onyx’s pregnancy? It was not like Cali was going to be providing breastmilk, so what else was she missing?

“Oh! I didn’t realise you were on treatments. That totally makes sense-”

“Hold on… do you think I’m-” Cali tried to interrupt. Treatments. Packing. Tuck job. Breast surgery. All of this pointed towards one thing.

“I’ve seen some bad tuck jobs in my day, I mean like, slipping from under the dress levels. Your tuck-”

“I DON’T HAVE A DICK DARIUS!” Cali shouted, sending the entire room into silence. Instantly, her hands flew to her mouth, covering it in utter shock at her own outburst. Embarrassed didn’t begin to cover it, she was utterly mortified. Both for her outburst and that her sex was even in question. Then, guilt washed over her. Guilt that she was embarrassed over an assumption, that she was even edging on potentially phobic behaviour. She had been born female; born the way she was meant to be as a person. That she was embarrassed as being mistaken for trans felt as if she was insulting the trans community somehow. That thought alone made her feel sick.

“…Oh.”

“We really needed to hear that. I don’t think downstairs heard you.” Cal’s particular brand of snark earned a soft snort from several people, which only made Cali’s cheeks burn hotter. Despite this, she uncovered her face, taking a deep breath before speaking.

“I’m not trans. Also, that is so rude! If someone is trans you don’t just casually tell them you’ve made them! That’s so hurtful! Come on, man.”

“Not cool, Darius. Not cool.” Malakai added. The other assassins nodded, murmuring their agreement.

“Then how are you two so loud? We’ve had to invest in earplugs, and your noise has chased off four girls this week!” Darius’ lament was met by a loud scoff from Cali.

“Seriously? That’s what you meant by noise, Darius? You’re Lust, literally, and can’t think how to get loud without a …?” She trailed off, making several awkward gestures with her hand. Her fingers curled, forming a loose cupping shape as flicked her wrist back and forth, hand around the height of her stomach. Her gesture didn’t last long before Onyx’s shoulder playfully bumped into hers, earning a playful tap in return as the women swayed into one another.

“There have been noise complaints… and a cleaning bill for the elevator. Also, a note to visit lost and found. Something about clothing?” Wrath dutifully informed, fighting off the dusting of pink across her cheeks as valiantly as she could. Several pairs of eyes fixed upon Onyx, who suddenly seemed to shrink into Cali’s side. The Chinese woman felt Onyx’s body heat up, enough that she was convinced steam should have been hissing from Onyx’s ears like smoke from a coal train. In the heat of the moment, neither Cali nor Onyx had stopped to think about anything save each other. Clothes had been abandoned across Vegas, and the elevator… the memory of trees flooded the bond. Onyx climbing Cali like one. The dirt filled roots of the tree Onyx had gifted Cali when she was a dragon. Innocence and seductive depravity bubbled within the bond, only increasing the heat in both their faces.

“Can I be dead again?” Onyx squeaked, covering her face with Cali’s hoodie. The idea of Onyx dying again was agonising, enough that a sharp retort bubbled on the tip of Cali’s tongue. She swallowed it, pushing her tongue down into the cavity of her jaw to resist crying out. If she was in the position of being told to retrieve her clothing from lost and found, Cali probably would have felt the same way.

“Hold on. I thought we were discussing how Onyx got knocked up.” Darius cut in. Instantly, Cali was conflicted. His bluntness was a smack on the snout, though it did save them from a far more awkward conversation.

“Darius…” Cal’s hissed warning was enough to send a chill through the room.

“Which we are all crazy happy for, baby girl, but it is a big change.” The Lust assassin continued, earning a loud snort from Onyx.

“Yeah. Tell me about it.”

“She didn’t cheat, and we didn’t exactly plan for it. Nahara told us there could be a cost for restoring Onyx to her human form. The possibilities included a physical manifestation of the bond between the barer of the mark and Envy.” Cali explained. She stepped up a little, moving to wrap her arm securely around Onyx’s shoulders. Such lithe shoulders, despite their muscle, that bore the weight of the world. Such smooth skin beneath her fingertips as she massaged the curve of Onyx’s far shoulder, trying to ease even a fraction of her burden. Cali’s fingers traced odd patterns, even tickling down the divots of Onyx’s muscled biceps.

“Which arguably could be you. You’re both now, Cali.” Malakai commented, tone thoughtful. His dark eyes narrowed, as if he could read the answer from the bare air if only he focused hard enough. A large hand came to his strong chin, scratching at it thoughtfully.

“That’s what I thought too, but…” Cali trailed off, turning her gaze to Onyx. This was too close to Onyx’s demons, to the secrets she still kept. Cali desperately wanted to speak, yet she found herself tongue tied. Lost in the pain she saw in bright green eyes. Lost in her own loyalty. Could she even physically make herself betray Onyx in this way? Was it a betrayal to reveal the rest of what had been said? Internally, she pleaded, letting her emotions touch the bond between the Assassins. She needed Ripley to validate her, needed Onyx’s consent and understanding. She was falling, plummeting off a cliff with no wings to fly and no claws to cling to the stone she might be able to reach.

“She also mentioned something from the past could return to my future… well, our future.”

The moment the words left Onyx’s mouth, a soft grunt from the table drew Onyx’s attention. Ripley had managed to work herself into a sitting position, something which Cali found rather comical. The bears legs were spread apart, much like an awkward toddler, whilst her back was ramrod straight, akin to a woman forced into an impossibly tight corset. Ripley didn’t flood the bond with her words, she simply watched and listened, apparently trying to understand the responses from Wrath and Cal.

“From the past? When wer-“

“Dorran. Those weeks he increased your training.”

“WEEKS?” Cali exploded, viciously demanding an answer. Everything was red, hazy and hot, as if she’d been looking into the sun too long. Even behind her closed eyes, circles and swirls of color danced across her vision, hammering in time with her racing heart. This was worse than when she’d ridden her bikes to exhaustion or suffered sunstroke. Worse than the migraines that had occasionally followed. This was all of them at once, assaulting her body until only Onyx’s deceptively strong arm around her waist kept her standing. There was no question of whether or not she’d collapse, Onyx wouldn’t allow that, but the intensity burning through her was enough to make her remaining words slurred, gasped out between clenched teeth.

“He did that for weeks until h-” She never finished. Images assaulted her, striking her like books falling from a shelf above her head. An exhausted Onyx offering her best effort of a reassuring smile. She could take it. The deep barking voice. She’ll never learn if you don’t push her. How could she? Onyx wasn’t an assassin! She was barely on her feet. Its ok, Ripley, I can take it. Obedience… denied. She couldn’t. Not anymore. That harsh voice. Then I’ll do it myself. Go be useful. Hospital. Sirens. All my fault. All… Ripley. These were Ripley’s memories. It was sickening to realise this. Ripley had been part of it, she’d been right there and had trusted her leader. Trusted Dorran to protect Onyx. That sick man had used her connection to Onyx as a tool, had weakened Onyx with someone she loved unconditionally first… Cali’s tongue was bathed in bile, hot and thin, save for the chunks of chip swimming in the liquid. Dorran hadn’t even been man enough to do all the work himself. He’d manipulated Ripley too. With a soft snarl, Cali swallowed, refusing to let herself become any weaker than she felt in her directionless rage.

“Your abusive ex physically beat you into hospital? And caused a miscarriage? And nobody knew you were pregnant or that he was abusive? What the hell? Cal? Wrath? I though you two were assassins! How could you not realise what that piece of shit had done?” Gone was Darius’ amusement. His voice was raspy in his rage, scratching his usually chocolaty vocal cords. His eyes, which were usually dark, appeared almost black. Made of shadows and rage. He was half Wrath’s size, but the intensity of his demanding glare cowed even the brave leader, who was working her jaw in effort to find even a syllable of an answer. Tears dripped from the corners of her eyes, trailing openly down her cheeks as she allowed her gaze to fall to the toes of her bright red boots. Wrath, who was so strong, could barely stand under the weight of her guilt. Her shoulders shook, slouched in defeat. She may have been their leader. She may have been able to punch the devil out of every man, woman or child she met, but she couldn’t fight off the most horrific truth yet. She had nothing. No answer to give. No justification, even to herself.

“That’s why Vinca killed him, isn’t it? She knew about the pregnancy when that accident put you in hospital. Remind me to send her a gift basket.” Cal didn’t have an answer either, but he pushed on. His own eyes bore an unnatural sheen, one Cali quickly realised were tears. He was close to crying in his outrage. An assassin he may have been, but he was just as helpless now as when he had been possessed. Forced to watch the past rolled out in painful memories. For all the people he had saved, he was clearly struck by the potential he had failed. The possibility he had never even known about. Someone he would have loved with his whole heart, even if it was a lump of coal, and yet was powerless to protect.

“Does she know about the baby?” Wrath barely got the question out before Darius was there, snarling once again.

“Like hell.”

“With Nitsa inhabiting her? After she got my blood? We barely got Rip back, we can’t risk it. I’m not even sure if we should let Yvette know. I’m sorry, Onyx, but until Vinca is safe, I don’t want to risk either of you. I don’t want to control you, or keep you caged, but-” Cali’s imploring was cut off by Onyx’s finger across her lips, silencing her with the gentlest of touches.

“I know, you’re looking out for me. You’re not him.”

“Needless to say, Rip and I will be protecting Onyx, so we won’t be out with you. I also really don’t want Onyx combat training, or up on the highwire.”

“Cali…” Onyx playfully whined, fixing Cali with her best attempt at Puppy Dog eyes. Internally, Cali swore up a storm, using words she was sure even Darius would blush at. The bike mechanic forced herself to gaze into them, willed herself not to crumble at the adorable attempt. If Onyx was bad, how was her child going to be? The idea of baby Onyx alone had Cali cooing, turning into a pile of Oriental mush. If she hadn’t developed an immunity by the time they learned this trick… suddenly, she found herself incredibly hopeful that Onyx could be the strict parent, because Cali could already foresee ice cream for dinner. But to get there, she had to get over this current hurdle. The hurdle of Onyx’s adorableness amped up to a million and directed at her.

“Yeah, no. Sorry. Drop out Doctor’s orders. No being ten foot in the air while pregnant.”

“But the show-”

“Will be there when you’ve had your baby and are ready to return. Your health, and the baby’s health, come first, Onyx.” Wrath reminded; her tone gentle but leaving no room for negotiation. She offered a gentle smile, tears still glistening in her eyelashes. Her warmth was back, encompassing the room with a calming presence. It was enough for Cali to relax, to finally let go of everything and trust her team. These assassins were family. Onyx’s family. Her family. No matter what, she knew they would do their best to protect one another. That they’d die before allowing anybody to harm the baby. That they’d go to the depths of hell, following after Wrath’s angelic aura, to save each other. That’s just what this family did.

#answered #Anonymous #miscellaneous monday #onyx wren #onyx x mc #sin with me onyx #sin with me envy #swm envy #mentions of abuse #mentions of miscarriage #tw pregnancy #swm baby announcement

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mermaidcashton · 4 years

Text

all the pretty girls

author: claire (@mermaidcashton) ship/AU: calum hood/luke hemmings, genderswap!AU prompt: “Kissing you is all I’ve thought about since the moment we met.” wordcount: 1519 warnings: swearing, hint of sexual content dedication: this one is for gay!sos group chat, and all the other wlw 5sos fans 💘 a/n: • so, i wanted wlw!5sos and established relationship, self-indulgent, domestic cuteness and i...think i have achieved that? lol • written for @maluminspace & @h0tsos ‘s 5sos fic writers collab (in which we all chose from a list of AU’s and had the above prompt quote to include - i will share the masterlist for you to see everyone elses when it’s finished!) • i do not give permission for this (or any of my writing) to be reposted, by anyone, on this or any other website. please don’t do it! • title from ‘honey’ by kehlani

all the pretty girls ***

all the pretty girls in the world but i'm in this space with you

***

“Kissing you is all I’ve thought about since the moment we met.” “Oh!” Luke gasped, burying her head further into Calum’s shoulder. Calum was bemused. “Haven’t you seen this movie like ten times?” “Fuck,I think I’ve seen this movie ten times.” Calum would be seriously questioning her life choices if she hadn’t taken into account that every time she’d ever watched it, she’d had the hottest woman she’d ever met pressed against her. That seriously balanced the scales of shitty cinema, in Calum’s opinion.

“It’s just so cute.” Luke sniffed. Calum pretended not to notice her wiping her nose on Calum’s sleeve; she looked cute enough in it to get away with almost anything.

Right now Luke was wearing avocado print pyjama shorts and Calum’s Santa Cruz sweatshirt (despite owning at least 300 separate items of clothing, in Calum’s most conservative estimations), with her blonde hair in a messy bun and the beginnings of a snotty nose. Her eyelashes were glossy with the tears she’d brushed away, and Calum thought she’d still be willing to watch every straight-to-video 00’s rom com ever made as long as it was what Luke wanted.

“Does this seriously not make you emotional? He gave up Paris for her! Paris, Calum!” Luke whined, craning her neck to look up at Calum from her position under her arm, her lithe body laid across the sofa.

Calum smirked. “Come on, babe; you know ‘Wall-E’ is the only movie that makes me feel anything.”

Luke rolled her eyes, but giggled all the same before pressing on insistently. “It’s so romantic, though. Isn’t this the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?” “No?” Calum scoffed, settling back against the mountain of cushions that seemed to grow every time they went to Ikea. Then it struck her. “Hang on, are you saying that’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?!”

“Yeah…” Luke let out another dreamy sigh before stilling almost imperceptibly. Oh, shit.

“What?!” Calum said, already looking more indignant than the time Luke had accidentally cheered for Arsenal insead of Liverpool (“Your Liverpool shirt is red, Calum! What the hell is an away kit?! I hate football!”). “Obviously I wasn’t includi-” Luke tried to recover, but Calum was too far gone. “I write the sickest anniversary cards! My last Valentine’s Day card to you? Fuckin’ poetry, Luke! I mean, not literally because that’s lame as fuck, but I am romantic as shit!”

Calum knew that generally speaking, people would consider Luke to be the more romantic in the relationship. Everyone who lived within 5 miles of their apartment had probably heard Luke tell Calum she loved her, or seen her entwine their hands, or pout her lips for a kiss she had to have right that second, at least twice. She was more prone to posting photos of Calum on Instagram with captions that ranged from sweet to thirsty as hell. Every time she attempted to bake for Calum, it would almost always be using a heart-shaped mould or cutter she’d found at the pound shop down the street. And at Calum’s gigs, everyone always knew exactly where she was in the crowd because Luke was yelling about the incredibly sexy bassist with the best basslines in the history of bass at every possible moment.

However, Calum thought her own brand of romance of just as valid, and Luke seemed to like it. Calum was a fan of surprising Luke with flowers, albeit wild bouquets of sunflowers and daisies rather than roses or peonies (“Wildflowers for my Wildflower.”), and of playing records on vinyl that she thought Luke would like - or that reminded her of her girlfriend - while they ate a dinner Calum had made from scratch because she’d seen a recipe online that she knew Luke would love. Calum also trusted Luke in a way that was rare for her, and lying in the dark of the their bedroom, speaking out loud things she’d never told anyone - childhood memories of her parents messy divorce, her deepest fears, greatest dreams, biggest secrets - whilst her girlfriend rubbed comforting circles over her hip and placed gentle kisses on her shoulder, felt intimate and special in a way Calum hoped Luke felt was romantic. And like she said - her card writing skills were sick.

Luke sat up on the sofa, freeing herself from underneath Calum’s arm. She clicked the pause button on the remote, dropping it onto the rug as she threw her hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry, I take it back; you are the most romantic I only meant in, like, movies and stuff! Obviously you are the most romantic and beautiful and I love you!”

Calum sniffed, trying to keep her sad face on without breaking. “Obviously not, as I don’t have a European city to not go to for you…” Luke saw her girlfriend’s mouth twitch at the corner. Right. She tucked her long legs underneath herself, settling back on the sofa as she spoke. “Like I said, I take it back - I was wrong.”

Calum could count on one hand the amount of time she had heard Luke say those three words during their relationship, and was ready to celebrate a substantial victory, until she clocked the smile spreading across Luke’s face that spelled trouble.

Luke continued in a purposely casual voice. “The actual most romantic thing I’ve ever heard was on our third date, when you drank all those daiquiris and told me that one day you were gonna ‘fucking wife me’.” Calum groaned and tried to sink back into the sofa so it could swallow her whole; this plan was thwarted by all the Ikea cushions.

“Shut up, that wasn’t me. You must have me confused with your other girlfriend. I don’t even drink daiquiris.” Luke’s distinctive laugh filled Calum’s ears; she loved that sound (it was in her top 3 sounds that Luke made), but right now she felt so embarrassed at the memory of her nerves getting the better of her in a Tapas restaurant that she couldn’t really enjoy it.

“Maybe not anymore! But Ashton told me how much of the morning after you spent with your head in the toilet, so I guess it makes sense you gave them up.” Luke teased, her blue eyes bright with mischief.

“I hate Ashton.” Calum mumbled, with nowhere near as much heat as was currently in her cheeks.

Luke’s giggles had taken on a unmistakable air of victory; Calum could not let this stand.

“Right, that’s it; we’re watching ‘Pulp Fiction’!” Calum declared, leaning down to feel around on the floor in the dimly lit living room for the remote where Luke had abandoned it. “Noooo!” Luke whined, reaching out to grab Calum’s wrists as she rose in triumph. “Cal!” She pouted as she missed entirely. It had always made Calum laugh when Luke tried to overpower her in any way; she was clumsy, and she wasn’t quick or strong enough to get the jump on Calum, unless she cheated (which she often did). In the past, Calum had hoped Luke wouldn’t notice the way she clenched her thighs together when the blonde would wiggle against her, bite her lip, whine or pant. Inevitably, as their relationship had continued, Luke had become fully aware of the effect she had on Calum, and now employed her sexuality as a weapon against Calum whenever she deemed it necessary. Nowadays, she tended to cut to the chase, as she was now. Calum barely registered the remote being extracted from her slackening grip as Luke held the grey sweatshirt and her cropped pyjama top up above her chin with one hand. She did register Luke’s small but perfectly formed tits, and wondered briefly what they had been talking about. Luke didn’t let her clothes drop back down to cover her breasts until she’d already unpaused the movie and stashed the remote underneath the armrest on her side of the sofa.

“That...was savage.” Calum deadpanned, shaking her head as she clambered to her feet. Luke put on her most innocent smile (which was not that innocent if you knew her as well as Calum did). “Do you want another drink?” “Yes please, gorgeous.” Luke replied with her eyes still fixed to the screen, her lips moving in the time with the actress on screen with the dodgy bangs. Calum rolled her eyes fondly before making her way to their small kitchen in search of rosé.

She didn’t notice it until she closed the fridge again, but Luke had responded.

Earlier in the day, Luke had used their alphabet fridge magnets to spell out ‘BUY MORE MILK’. Upon seeing this just after lunch, Calum had immediately checked she had the right letters to arrange the obvious reply; ‘NO FUCK U’, giggling to herself the whole time she’d been doing it. She let out a snort, picking up the personalised wine glasses Michael had gifted them when they moved in together. She set off back towards the living room, idly thinking about what movie she was going to demand they put on when this torture was over.

‘NO U’.

***

my masterlist • please let me know what you think of wlw!cake and if you would like to see more of them here!

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be-ready-when-i-say-go · 4 years

Note

idk if ur still doing song prompts but i was listening to in my head by maisie peters n thought of how ur writing would fit so well with it! so maybe that with cal? also, ur writing is fucking beautiful, thank u for sharing ur works with us! i’ll be sure to support ur works! ☺️🖤

First off, many thanks for such kind words! I greatly appreciate them. Thanks for the song suggestion as well!

Anyone can support me on Ko-fi! It helps me continue to provide this content and save for graduate school expenses.

Song blurb requests are now closed. Thanks for all the love!

__________________________________________

A Losing Game

Oh, it’s so stupid.

You know that from the second you pick out the pink dress from your closet. He’s going to be there though. After how careless he was, you are going to make him pay for it. Calum is going to have to pay for the way he treated your heart.

The thing is you guys weren’t together when it happened. You know that. You didn’t need anyone else to point that out to you. But still, how could he just be so reckless? How could he kiss you like that? How could he hold you so gently and then turn around and choose someone else?

If that’s the bed he wanted to lay in, you were for damn sure going to make it a bed of thorns for him. Slipping into the dress and spraying your perfume, you glanced over yourself in your mirror. Was this petty? Of course. Was this overkill? Of course. Was that going to stop you? Never. No, Calum was going to have to drool over you. You are going to hurt him just like he hurt you.

When Calum knocks on the door to the house and ducks inside, he looks around for you. He thinks he might be able to snag a moment to talk to you. When you’re not in the living room or in the kitchen of the house party, he thinks his time to apologize is over. He was an idiot. He is the first person to admit that. He’d admit it in the blink of an eye that he was stupid to have you literally in the palms of his hands and then on the same night, take someone else home with him. He made it so obvious too. He had waited for you to look up, to try and get one last word in with him before pulling her onto his lap. Then soon after out of the club to the waiting car.

Fear is a bastard of an emotion; that’s what Calum had come to learn. He was terrified of actually liking you, of actually making that a real thing.

As the night starts to settle in, he keeps half an eye out for you. It’s not until he turns into the kitchen for the second time in the night to get a refill, he finds you in the pink dress. God, his heart races. It was always a gorgeous color on you. He could paint you in a portrait of the color.

You watch as Calum steps into the kitchen and turn to Luke, laughing at whatever was just said. You’re not halfway paying attention to whatever the group is going on about. Maybe you even go as far as to raise a hand to Luke’s chest and let it slide down to his forearm. Luke is oblivious you know and won’t take it strangely. All you need is for Calum to see it. All you need is for him to get just a taste of what it feels like to be the second choice.

Calum steps closer, going for the cooler on the floor. You’re too busy with your head practically falling into Luke’s chest to see the flair of his nostrils and the clenched jaw. You do hear the harsh slam of the cooler’s top back to keep the coolness in.

The whole night went like this. You finding every opportunity to blow Calum off and Calum only wanted to get five minutes with you. It’s soon you holding onto Michael during beer pong. Then it’s you cuddled up with Ashton laughing during a game of flip cup. It’s at every turn that Calum keeps hitting that wall of you always with someone, always buddied up and he’s fed up. He’s absolutely fed the fuck up. If that’s the game, he can play it too. Especially with a couple vodka shots in him.

Part of you feels like the point’s been made. You noticed Calum’s particular sour pout after you paired with Michael during the game of beer pong but the hurt, the pain all kept fueling you to add more oxygen to keep the fire burning. The party’s still in a good swing, but you do have an early morning. You should be able to stick it out for another hour or two.

Your head is floating. The alcohol has caught up and now your bladder is pressing against every other organ. Waiting outside the bathroom, you drop your head into the wall, arms wrapping around your waist. You know you shouldn’t pee now. If you do you’ll have to pee another four times before you leave.

There’s a soft moan followed by the smack of kissing. You figure it’s probably no one you really know and let the couple go on. All you need is for the person in the bathroom to finish before you witness a heavy petting. Another moan tickles your ear, deeper this time and something goes off in your head. You know that moan, only briefly though. Lazily turning your head, keeping it against the wall, you spot Calum. His mouth sealed around some other girl and his hands kneading at her waist.

There’s a gasp, you’re not sure if it’s yours and the girls.

Then it just hurts. All of this game playing and for what? All you wanted was for Calum to choose you and it seemed more than stupid now to have tried to keep pressing all his buttons. All you did was just make it easier for him to fall back into someone’s else arms.

You try not to brush into Calum in your hurried passing. You suppress the urge to dig your nails into his lower back, just like you know he likes it. One hand covering your mouth, you see the tears watering your vision. Just keep the sob down, that’s all you have to do. Just keep from sobbing right here in front of him about him.

Then it happens, in the rush to get around and dodge the incoming people, you feel the soft brush of his leather jacket over your arm. “S-sorry,” you barely get out, covering your mouth again.

It’s cold as you step out, purse barely on your shoulder. “That was so stupid,” you reprimand to yourself. Your eyes can barely focus on the screen as you try to tap onto the black icon of the app.

“Look what happened,” you cry into the sky. “I’m such a fucking idiot. And a broken-hearted one at that.”

“That’s hell a combo.” The voice is a little rough but you know the shakes to the deep timbre.

“Fuck off, Cal.”

“Surprise you still remember my name.”

You keep staring at the street, keep waiting for the driver to magically appear even though it’s going to be another seven minutes. Your face is tight from the tears starting to dry but there are more threatening to fall. “I’m not in the mood for this shit.”

“You seemed to be in a really good mood earlier.” You know what the remark is referring to; you deserve it. That doesn’t mean that it hurts any less of course.

“Don’t you have some other girl’s face to suck? Just leave me alone, please?”

Not his smoothest plan, he’ll admit. He exhales, glancing down to the screen of your phone. Five minutes. “Let me catch a ride with you. So we can talk.”

You’re intrigued. But is it even worth it? Is it worth this stupid fucking game you keep playing with him where the only thing you’ve ever won is pain? “You really don’t know how to take no for answer, do you?”

Calum can hear the shakes in your voice. Clearly, you’re not in the mood to talk. He’s not going to risk seeming like an asshole even if in some twisted way he means it well. “Alright, alright, fine.”

He throws his hands up and starts back up the hill of the driveway to the house. But he lingers, watching as you step into the back of the car and waits until it pulls off. He pulls out his phone. At least let me know when you get home so I know you’re safe.

You see as the message comes in, reading it quickly. God, why did he have to be such a mixed signal? Why did he have to care even an ounce about you? Your head finds its way into your hands and you’re sniffling hard. God, the snot it running. The driver probably thinks you’re sloppy drunk or an emotional mess.

The party dies not too long after you leave, another hour left in most people before more Uber’s line up to take groups home in waves. Calum agrees to crash with Ashton and help clean up. When he finally checks his phone, nearing too early to still call it night, he spies a text.

Am home.

-H

#calum hood #calum hood angst #calum hood blurb #calum hood fanfic #calum hood fic #5sos #5sos fanfic #5sos blurb #song blurb #song rec #asks #asnwered #h writes #michael clifford #luke hemmings #ashton irwin #calum 5sos

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calumcest · 4 years

Note

i’ve really enjoyed reading your drabbles!! i was thinking hush + lashton + billboard drama but you obv don’t have to write it about that if you don’t want 😊

omg thank u thats so sweet of u anon! also oooh i like this prompt

Send me a "Hush" and I'll write a drabble about one character comforting the other (from fear or grief)

One thing Luke knows he’ll always be grateful for in years to come, when he thinks back on this, is that he was with Ashton at the time.

Luke and Ashton actually both miss the call. Their sleeping schedules completely fucked because of quarantine leading to random mid-afternoon naps, Luke curled up on Ashton’s chest with the sheets flung off because it’s ridiculously warm for March. Luke’s the first to wake, pressing a soft kiss to Ashton’s forehead as he reaches over and grabs his phone off the charger. He nestles back into Ashton’s side, unlocking his phone, and immediately sees that he has seven hundred messages.

He doesn’t immediately panic, because the last time he had seven hundred unread messages was because Calum and Michael were in a heated debate about what Australian cereal they miss the most. It’s only when he sees the seventeen missed calls from his management team that he starts to worry, clicking into the group chat to see what he’s missed. The chat’s still active, new messages appearing every few seconds-

CHIt’s fucking insane

CHCan we recall any?

MCwe have

MClike forty thousand

CHFucking hell

Luke frowns.

MeWhat’s going on

The group chat explodes immediately.

CHFucking finally

MCwhere the fuck have you been?

MeNap

MCbunch of albums got released early

MCshipping error

CHBillboard won’t count them

Luke’s stomach drops. Are they going to make it into the top ten?

MeHow many

MC 50k, we recalled 40k

CHTen thousand

Fucking hell. Jesus fucking Christ.

“Ashton,” Luke says urgently, nudging Ashton’s side. Ashton groans, and rolls over. “Ash, seriously. Wake up.”

“What?” Ashton mumbles. “‘m sleepin’.”

“There’s been a shipping error,” Luke says, trying not to let the panic leak into his voice. Ashton rolls back over and rubs his eyes, looking at Luke blearily.

“What?”

“They’ve shipped a bunch of albums early,” Luke says, “and Billboard’s not going to count them.” Ashton sits bolt upright, grabbing his phone off the bedside table and scanning through the messages. Michael and Calum are still talking in the group chat - Luke can see his phone lighting up incessantly - and eventually Ashton puts his phone down and stares at Luke.

“No number one,” he says, sounding strangely calm.

Luke’s stomach bottoms out. He hadn’t even thought that far ahead.

“Oh,” he says, and his voice sounds a little strangled. Ashton just stares at him.

“No number one,” he repeats, like he’s trying to force it to sink in. Luke swallows.

“We have three number one debuts already,” he tries, but he knows it doesn’t stop the smarting. “And it’s still a good album.”

“This is everything,” Ashton says, a little dazed. “This is all I am.”

“That’s- no, Ashton,” Luke says, scrambling to his knees.

“It is,” Ashton says. “You- you’ve got your modelling, Mike’s got his gaming, Cal’s got a whole bunch of shit. I’ve got nothing else. I- this is my life.”

“You’re more than the music,” Luke says, and Ashton looks at him, a don’t even try it look. “No, Ash, you are. You’re a wonderful friend. You’re an artist, a fucking visionary. You’re an amazing brother. You’re the best boyfriend I could have ever asked for. Don’t reduce yourself to that.”

“But that’s all I am to me,” Ashton says. “I- I’ve never done anything worthwhile in my life, besides the music. That’s, like. How I measure myself.”

Luke’s heart splinters, just enough for it to ache.

“Don’t say that,” he says fiercely. Ashton shrugs, and it’s deflated and sad. “Come here.” Luke holds his arms open, and Ashton only hesitates for a moment before shuffling forwards and leaning into Luke, who falls backwards, pulling Ashton on top of him. Ashton tucks his face into Luke’s neck, curls up on Luke, makes himself as small as possible, and Luke wraps his arms around Ashton as tightly as he can.

“We don’t know how it’s going to turn out yet,” Luke says, threading his fingers through Ashton’s hair and scratching over his scalp.

“It’s not going to be number one,” Ashton mumbles, muffled by Luke’s skin.

“We don’t know that,” Luke says, even though it’s pretty much a done deal, with ten thousand records out of the window.

“We do,” Ashton says. “And it’s not even our fault. I could have lived with it if people just didn’t like it.”

“No, you couldn’t,” Luke says, because that’s a straight up lie.

“Okay, I couldn’t,” Ashton admits, “but at least I wouldn’t feel so powerless.” Luke swallows, squeezing Ashton tighter.

“I know,” he says. Ashton says nothing, just noses deeper into Luke’s neck, but Luke knows it’s what he needs. There’s nothing Luke can say to make it better, but he can be there. He can hold Ashton, kiss him, stroke his hair, tell him he loves him, make him feel safe and secure and stable until he can do that for himself again.

“You’re my number one,” he says sincerely, playing with a tendril of hair near Ashton’s ear. There’s a moment’s pause, then Ashton snorts.

“Shut the fuck up,” he says, but Luke can hear the smile in his voice, and knows that he’s going to be okay.

#lashton #drabbles #i keep forgetting to tag that so i literally added it before even writing the drabble #is this the worst one iv'e written yet? Possibly!#Anonymous

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sunnytumbies · 4 years

Text

just follow my yellow light (and ignore all those big warning signs)

Warning! This fic includes mentions of depression, anxiety, needles (in a medical setting), and dealing with grief/trauma. Please stay safe should you choose to read!

A/N: This is also a more plot-heavy fic, with most of the fiendery occurring in the very last sections, so please be aware of that! Word count: 8499 Title: “Yellow Light” by Of Monsters and Men

The thing about hospitals is that they’re all the same.

Cal understands why people hate them—really, he does—but sitting here on the exam table, the paper crinkling beneath him, a blood pressure cuff tightening around his bicep, he can’t help but feel...safe. Understood.

He’s biased, he guesses. He grew up in one, doodling on prescription pads with crayons, running his favorite toy car along the floor (weaving around the nurse’s practical clogs on his hands and knees, look, Mom, look at how fast I am!), his mother Marianne bouncing him on her lap as she updated charts on her computer even though he was far too old for that, stray blonde hair that escaped from her tight bun tickling his cheek. Every once in a while, she’d turn to him with a wide, warm smile.

The whirring of blood pressure machines were his lullaby. The smell of antiseptic was the closest he got to the smell of home, and was in fact the very smell that followed him home from work with Marianne, permeated the whole house along with her tired sighs and her whispered arguments with his father Henry when she thought Cal was sleeping.

So, yeah. Cal likes hospitals. Don’t overanalyze it.

The nurse—Alicia, today—gives him a small, tired smile, the expression of someone who genuinely cares but is too busy to do much about it. “Dr. Moore says everything looks good, Cal. Just make sure to keep an eye on your lungs. Don’t bind for too long and keep doing your injections around the same time each week, okay? You know where to find us if you need something.”

“Thanks, Alicia,” Cal says, but she’s already whisking out the door. Cal wonders how many patients she has. Alicia oversees the hospital volunteer program, and even though Cal's known her for years, he swears her face is as young and beautiful as it was when he was a child. She’s funny and whip-smart and strong and she likes Cal best, he thinks, but lately she’s looked so tired.

He wonders if she’s one of the nurses who really cares about all of her patients. He wonders if that kind of thing is sustainable.

Alicia cares, he thinks.

He’s walking down the corridor, idly rubbing at the bandage across his forearm—and yeah, okay, if he has to name one part of the hospital experience that he could do without, it’s the blood draws—and he’s so fixated on reaching under the bandage to rub at the stinging skin there that he almost runs directly into Sweater Guy, who reaches out preemptively to steady Cal by the shoulders.

“Shit, sorry,” Cal mutters reflexively, then looks up to see that it’s him and, well, fuck.

Cal’s been volunteering at the hospital for six months or so, now, answering call buttons for the nurses and giving directions to confused family members and just grunt work, really, something—nay, anything—for him to put on his resume, and at every single shift he’s volunteered for, he’s seen Sweater Guy.

He’s Cal’s height but twice as skinny, collarbones jutting out underneath his sweaters (his endless sweaters, usually layered over collared shirts and rolled up to the elbows, no matter how swelteringly hot it gets outside). The sweaters bother Cal more than they should, because they all look expensive, and yeah, sue him, he’s a little bitter, because he buys one new pair of shoes a year and calls it splurging. He’s a candy striper, Cal thinks. He wears a pair of yellow-tinted glasses that Cal cannot for the life of him make sense of, constantly slipping down his nose (and yes the yellow compliments the rich brown of Sweater Guy’s skin beautifully, not that Cal has noticed, thanks). He has what Zara always insisted is sex hair, expression perpetually annoyed, like he always has something better to doing.

And he avoids the fuck out of Cal.

“It’s not on purpose,” Zara said one day a few months ago, leaning conspiratorially over their little table in the hospital cafeteria, mouth full of mediocre tuna fish sandwich, because Zara is a godless heathen who enjoys tuna fish sandwiches. “He’s just...busy, you know? He doesn’t avoid you more than he avoids anyone else.”

“Except he does,” Cal muttered, toying with the bottle cap from his soda. More than once he’d made eye contact with him in the hall, and then watched him completely switch directions, head ducked down low over his shoulders.

Not long after that, Zara--who had, until then, occupied the third room in he and Amy’s apartment--left school to attend a community college program for mortuary science, because Zara is, in addition to being a godless heathen, a chiefly ridiculous person, and now Cal doesn’t have anyone to complain to about this.

It shouldn’t bother him, except...Cal is likeable. He is. He charms nurses as though that’s what he’s getting volunteer credit for. Babies smile at him on the street. He’s likeable.

So what the fuck, you know?

“I apologize,” Sweater Guy says now, and Cal is hyper-aware of the guy’s chapped lips, of his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down nervously in his throat. He makes himself look away.

“You apologize? I’m the one who didn’t see you, dude,” Cal says, and God damn does that yellow sweater he’s wearing look nice on him. It shouldn’t. Yellow is categorically the worst color. Cal’s pissed.

Sweater Guy actually cracks a smile. “Yes, well. I’m glad we avoided a collision.”

And just like that, he’s walking off, and Cal doesn’t know what he’s supposed to make of it, if it means anything at all, but surely first contact after six months of silence means something.

“Hey,” he calls out before he can think better of it. “What’s your name?”

Sweater Guy stops and blinks, surprised, then pauses for a minute like he has to think about it. “Oh. My name is Quincy Washington.” He swallows. “What’s yours?”

“Cal.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Cal,” Quincy says softly, and Cal watches him walk away until he disappears around the corner.

Cal has a routine. He’s never been particularly organized, never been the type of person with color-coded planners or who lays out his outfits the night before, but he has a routine for check-up days: after picking up his inhaler refills and testosterone from the hospital pharmacy, he’ll treat himself to an iced chai tea latte with almond milk, hot if it’s cold outside or he’s feeling adventurous. He shifts his weight from foot to foot as he waits in line to place his order, his lips flicking up into a small little smile as he pulls out his phone, realizing he finally has an update, deciding to send it to the group chat he still has with Amy and Zara:

I figured out his name!!

Amy texts back immediately, and Cal’s little smile splits into a full-blown grin. ???????????

Sweater Guy, Cal types, shifting forward as the line moves. It’s Quincy Washington, apparently.

Cal grins when he sees a message from Zara appear: r u sure he gave u his real name? that sounds pretty made up ngl :* but hey u finally talked to him!!!! told u it wouldn’t be hard!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

Cal rolls his eyes a little, but good-naturedly. Zara was always convinced that Cal has a crush he’s not addressing, a conspiracy theory that has infected Amy as well, because no one fixates that hard if they DON’T have a crush, Cal, come on. Cal maintains that while he isn’t blind, there are about a million things more interesting about Sweater G--Quincy than how attractive he admittedly is.

Cal: In my defense, he talked to me first, and it’s only because I ran into him.

Zara: charming! did u gaze longingly into his eyes? did he gaze longingly into urs?

Cal rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. Well it wasn’t his EYES I was looking at. ;) (I was looking at his stupid yellow sunglasses.)

Zara: silly! u should’ve asked him if he needs roomies. it would be an honor if my old room went to The Cause :)))

Cal’s lips droop, the smile sliding off his face as he pockets his phone. He knows Zara meant nothing by it, but he’s been compartmentalizing the roommate situation until now, and it’s not something he can particularly deal with at this moment. He doesn’t have to, as it happens--at that moment, an impatient “--sir? Sir, may I please take your order?” breaks through his mental abstraction, clearly not for the first time, and he shakes his head to clear it, cheeks flushing as he approaches the counter, mumbling apologies. He orders his drink, iced chai tea latte, please, making sure to leave a hefty tip in the jar.

Eager to spare himself further social anxiety, Cal grabs his drink as soon as it’s placed on the counter, mumbling another apology as he grabs a straw and walks briskly out of the exit closest to the parking lot, sipping eagerly at the drink (he swears it’s even better than usual) and what do you fucking know.

“Quincy,” Cal says when he reaches his car, clamping down on the little thrill he gets from knowing the name. He swirls the drink a little like some kind of movie character with a glass of wine. He’s chill. He’s cool.

“Oh. Hello, Cal,” Quincy says sheepishly. He’s standing at the front of a car—not just a car, the car—its hood propped open in a universal sign of defeat. “I seem to...be having some car trouble.”

“No fucking way,” Cal breathes out, because some things are too strange to be coincidences.

“I’m...I’m sorry?”

Cal shakes himself. “No, you’re good, sorry. It’s just that, uh. This is your car?”

It’s a Mercedes AMG, and it’s been parked next to Cal’s car every day for a couple months now. Cal’s awe hasn’t dulled with time. He figured it belonged to some paranoid doctor, rich and extravagant and scared enough of car crashes to buy a luxury armored SUV. The fact that it belongs to Quincy isn’t strange all on its own—because sure, whatever, Quincy is well-off, that’s a thing that happens to people—but the odds of the day he realizes it belongs to Quincy being the same day he learns Quincy’s name after months of wondering and silence?

Well.

“Yes. It’s practically new,” Quincy says sadly, “but I’m hopeless with cars. It’s probably something rather foolish.”

And then, because Cal is a masochist, he finds himself saying “Well, I know a thing or two about cars,” and yeah, okay, this is happening, apparently.

“You do?” Quincy’s expression is nothing short of hopeful. “Cal, I would be incredibly grateful.”

“Of course,” Cal says, already moving toward the car, because who is he to say no to a beautiful boy in a yellow sweater, to a beautiful car with its hood propped open? “It’s no trouble. Keys?”

“In the ignition.”

Cal forces himself to focus on the task at hand, even though sitting in the driver’s seat makes him feel downright giddy. He tells himself it’s the car’s immaculate leather interiors, the sheer novelty of sitting in a ridiculous, extravagant vehicle, and not the boy standing in front of the hood with his arms folded across his chest in defeat. He takes a breath.

Although, he thinks as he twists the key in the ignition, surely this is an acceptable thing to be intrigued by. Why is unassuming Quincy, who looks no older than Cal, driving an armored SUV—and not just any armored SUV, but one that can sustain machine guns and hand grenades?

He guesses people could say the same about him and his car, because the upkeep of classic cars is a bit of a bitch, but Cal’s beat-up inherited ‘59 Chevy Apache isn't machine gun proof, and it certainly isn't new. She's valuable, of course, but she was passed down to him, not bought fresh off the lot, and that value is probably tempered by years of dings and scratches. She's not a symptom of extravagance the way this absolute mammoth must be. So. Not the same, actually.

When he tries to crank up the car, it makes a horrible grinding sound that he knows well, the needles on dashboard instruments shuddering. Cal takes great pains to compose his amused grin into something more sympathetic.

“Good news and bad news,” he says, slamming the car door behind him reflexively before cringing. This isn’t the Apache, with its squeaky doors and stubborn latches, and that door alone probably cost more than Cal’s college tuition. “The good news is it’s nothing serious. You’ve just got a dead battery.”

Quincy slumps a little with what Cal assumes is relief. “That seems manageable.”

“The bad news, though,” Cal says. “Do you have jumper cables?”

“No,” Quincy replies, ducking his head like he’s embarrassed.

“See, that’s what I was worried about.” Cal gestures to his own car. He sips at his latte, and is genuinely alarmed to realize it’s almost empty. It’s delicious, but still, he’s only had the drink for twenty minutes at the most. “I don’t have mine either. I--” Cal considers the location of his jumper cables, in a heap in the living room of the apartment, leftover from a Skype debate with Zara centered on a story her classmate insisted was true concerning jumper cables and nipples. Cal doesn’t regret the use of a visual aid--he won the debate, after all, because seriously, have you seen jumper cable clamps, there is no way--but he decides this is not something he needs to share with Sweater Guy. “They’re at home. I can go grab them and come back to give you a jump, though? Our place is literally right around the corner.”

“I wouldn’t want to impose,” Quincy hedges, a little desperately. Cal sees him battling internally between the need to be polite and the need to get his car running again.

“You’re not imposing,” Cal says, “because I offered. Seriously. Apologizing to me when I ran into you! Thinking you’re an imposition after I offered you something! You’re too nice for your own good, Quince.” The nickname slips out without Cal’s consent, and he feels the tips of his ears warm.

Quincy looks at him, tilting his head curiously. “I have an anxiety disorder,” he says after a moment, very plainly, and Cal feels like the biggest asshole in the world. He feels like an even bigger asshole because his knee-jerk reaction is to laugh, because what a mood, really.

To his abject horror, the laughter actually bubbles out, warm and genuine and fuck, he needed it, but he can also feel himself blushing crimson, because Jesus Christ, Cal, this is not the kind of reaction you should be having to this information. “I’m sorry,” he manages after a too-long moment. “I’m so sorry, oh my God, I promise I’m not laughing at you. It’s just...fuck, we’re not allowed to be that blunt, you know?”

Quincy inclines his head again, an unspoken question, and yeah, okay, you made this bed, Cal, now lie in it.

“I just mean, like...okay. Example. I’m chronically ill, right? I have asthma, thanks for that, genetics, but anyway the point is that I tell people I’m sick and they’re like, get well soon! They don’t understand that I don’t...want that. They don’t get that I’m sick, and that it’s okay! That’s fine! If you’re sick, you either have to be dying, or you have to be overcoming it or some shit. I just…I wish I could introduce myself like hi, I’m Cal, I have depression and my lungs don’t work very well. But I can’t, because that’s weird, that makes healthy people feel awkward, and our whole lives are about making healthy people feel better about our fucking lives.” He takes a breath, a little more painfully than he would prefer because it's goddamn cold out. “I just mean...I don’t know. It’s refreshing.”

Well, okay. Emotional intensity with Sweater Guy is not what Cal banked on happening today, but Sweater Guy is Quincy Washington, and now that he’s looking at him up close, he kind of feels like he’s demystifying him or...or something. The expensive sweater, he sees, is fraying at the sleeve from being picked at nervously. That annoyed expression, the one Cal always interpreted as aloof, is the face Quincy makes when his glasses start slipping down his nose. His sex hair is just...really good hair, perhaps a little mussed at the roots from a tendency to run his hands through it with the air of an exasperated father in a movie, and what’s wrong with that, really?

Sweater Guy, as it happens, is just a guy.

Anyway, Cal’s shifting his weight awkwardly from foot to foot, feeling the full force of the straight-up monologue he’s just delivered, but then Quincy is saying “That’s exactly it” in this relieved goddamn voice, so maybe things are okay after all. “What is that? Why do they make it so weird? It’s not as though it’s contagious.”

“Right? I don’t know. I’m just kind of exhausted of healthy people.” He inclines his head, toward his car, moving to the driver’s side because, again, it’s cold as shit and his lungs ache and he really should get Quincy that jump. “I’ll go grab those cables.” Something in the pit of his stomach grumbles at the movement, and he frowns, a reflexive hand coming up to rest on his belly. Weird.

“Oh, yeah,” Quincy says, like he’s forgotten what the whole point of this was (and doesn’t that just make something warm pool in Cal’s chest, God, he’s so screwed), and casts a withering glance toward the hospital doors. Cal looks at him for a second, shivering underneath his layers in front of his out-of-commission car, and before he can think about it any further than that he’s saying “You can ride with me there and back, if you want? It’s awfully cold out.”

Quincy positively beams. “I would like that very much, Cal.”

Okay then.

Amy is doing an honest-to-God tarot reading in the middle of the living room when Cal gets home, complete with candles and a red cloth draped over their coffee table, and isn’t that just their whole relationship summarized. He throws Quincy a put-upon glance over his shoulder, and Quincy bites his lip to keep from laughing. Has Cal mentioned that Quincy is attractive? God fucking damn it.

“Permission to enter the divination room?” he says in lieu of a hello, and Amy startles, nearly knocking over one of the candles.

“Cal!” Amy says, scandalized, staggering to her feet. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming! I would’ve gotten rid of these!”

Cal can’t help but chuckle. “I’m not going to have an asthma attack from candles, Ames.”

“You could! Go--go stand in the kitchen or something! Make your friend help me!”

Cal gives Quincy a look, a sort of see what I have to deal with? shrug, and Quincy responds with an amused smirk. “I’d be happy to help,” he says in a tone that sounds like he’s honest-to-God fucking with Cal. “What tarot deck is that?”

The kitchen is essentially attached to the living room, the two only separated by a narrow doorway, but Cal shrugs and takes this opportunity to wriggle out of his jacket and grab a soda from the fridge. He has a feeling he’s gonna be here for a while. As he reaches into the fridge, however, that strange little twinge deep in his belly makes itself known again, and he grimaces as a cramp seizes his insides. He closes the refrigerator empty-handed, leaning a suddenly-clammy forehead against the cool stainless steel. This does not bode well.

“So how do you know Cal, again?” Amy is saying just as he’s composed himself enough to re-enter the living room. Quincy has migrated to the couch, at least, albeit with his back ramrod straight, Amy apparently having been satisfied that Cal is not in any immediate mortal peril.

“He volunteers at the hospital with me,” Cal says before Quincy can say anything, and when Amy glances over at him, Amy mouths Sweater Guy over Quincy’s head. Amy’s eyes bulge, so Cal forges ahead before she can say something to embarrass him. “His battery died, so I came here for the jumper cables.”

“Riiight, the hospital,” Amy says, a barely restrained grin in her voice, and God, when Amy tells Zara that Cal brought Sweater Guy home he is never going to hear the end of it. “Did you put up the fliers, by the way? We’re really gonna struggle this month if we don’t get it figured out soon,” and Cal looks up sharply, idly placing a hand on his stomach when it protests at the movement. Why is Amy bringing up the roommate fliers now?

“I know,” Cal says slowly, trying to communicate please don’t do this now with just a glance.. He sits on the couch next to Quincy, careful to leave a socially acceptable distance between them. “I know, Amy. But...no, I didn’t.” He wipes sweat from his brow with the back of his sleeve, his stomach starting to churn in earnest.

“Cal,” Amy chastises, and Cal thinks he would prefer anger to disappointment. “Did you talk to anyone, at least? It’ll be easier if it’s someone we know for, like, negotiating rent and stuff.”

“Um,” Cal says eloquently, but then Quincy is saying, “Actually, he talked to me,” and alright then, that took a turn.

“Oh,” Amy says, skeptical, but her face has brightened nonetheless. “Really?”

“That’s part of why I brought him with me to grab the cables,” Cal says, because he’s rolling with this, apparently. He really is never going to live this down. “To show him the room.”

“I wanted to see it for myself,” Quincy says sagely.

“Uh, yeah,” Cal adds lamely.

Amy is giving him this proud goddamn grin, and Cal is having trouble looking at it, because seriously, it shouldn't be like this. Amy has left this whole roommate search up to him, which is a nice gesture—Amy could live with anyone, with her natural inclination toward small talk and her compulsive baking which is the least unwelcome coping mechanism and her goddamn optimism, but Cal, with his bound chest and testosterone injections, has a lot more to lose here. The thing is, Cal, for all his charm and his mock-flirting and his wolfish grins, has a hard time with people, so him bringing home a coworker (or whatever he's supposed to call Quincy—coworker doesn't feel right, and Cal's trying really hard not to overanalyze that) isn't exactly a common occurrence. Amy is a proud parent smiling at her kid for making friends on the first day of kindergarten, and Cal loves her for it, he does, but it also chafes against him like his chest binder on a hot day.

"Well, go ahead," Amy finally says, breaking what could have turned into an awkward silence. "Don't let me stop you! I'm Amy, by the way. What's your name? I’m not sure I caught it." She glances at Cal as she says with a terribly unsubtle wink.

"Quincy Washington," Quincy says in that same quiet way he told Cal. "It's wonderful to meet you, Amy. I’m a fan of tarot myself and you have an excellent eye for ambiance."

"Thanks!" Amy beams, and Cal wrenches himself off the couch and ushers Quincy down the hallway before Amy loops him into a conversation about the history of tarot or some shit. Cal loves her to death, but knows she’s practically chomping at the bit. He won’t be surprised if she’s texting Zara as he speaks.

"You did me a solid, there, Quincy," Cal says quietly when they're far enough down the hall to be out of Amy’s earshot, hyper-aware of how sluggish he is. "We can just waste a little time and then I'll get you that jump."

"May I see the room?" Quincy asks, and Cal's heart just about stops entirely. "I'm glad to have done you...a solid, but I do happen to be looking for a room to let." His voice catches strangely and unfamiliarly around the slang.

Cal stares at him for a second. "Seriously?"

"I am very serious. If you'll have me, of course," Quincy says then, rushing through the second sentence and looking self-conscious about it.

"No, I just..." Cal says in something like disbelief, then shakes himself off. "Anyway. I guess I'll show you the room, then?"

"Please," Quincy says, so Cal leads the way.

"It's kind of small," he says apologetically, pushing open the door and flicking on the lights. They're Edison bulbs, and they cast the room in buttery yellow. "And obviously we'd move this stuff out of here if you moved in."

Quincy doesn’t say anything, and Cal turns to see that his face is frozen in genuine, slack-jawed awe. It's more than a little endearing, and Cal tucks his fond little grin away before he speaks. "You're a book guy, huh?"

"You could say that," Quincy breathes, and moves forward a little. "May I—?"

"Go for it," Cal says, and Quincy reaches out to touch one of the bookcases.

The room belonged to Zara until she moved out, the smallest room by far but also the one with the most windows, all against the far wall looking out toward the main road. Pushed against the opposite wall are three wood-paneled curio cabinets that Henry once used as bookshelves, packed tight with the books he cared about most in this world. Many of them are leather-bound and there is more than one special edition, all of them older than Cal's grandparents.

"They're beautiful," Quincy finally says after a moment, "but why do you have rare books in your apartment?"

Cal snorts, because it is so contrary to what he was expecting, but also because this is a valid question. "Honestly," he says, "I just couldn't bear to part with them. They were my dad's." The words are out before he realizes he's just dropped the dead dad bomb, so he forges ahead. "Uh, like I said, we'd get them out of here before you moved in."

"Or you could leave them," Quincy murmurs, eyes darting back and forth as he scans the titles. "God, is that a livre d'artist?"

On some level, Cal registers that this a very pretentious question, and also that there is just something strange about the way Quincy speaks, like everything he says has been polished beforehand. On another, baser level, he finds it frustratingly hot. "Uh, that sounds like a question I should maybe know the answer to, but honestly, these were my dad's thing. I haven't opened up any of the books since he died. I keep the shelves dusted, but I'm not much of a literature person."

"Are you a book person?" Quincy asks.

"Come on, you can be one or the other. People can like books without liking capital L literature," he says, turning to look at Cal with this ridiculously excited expression. It's kind of heartwarming. "You know, people who hate Hemingway but loved Twilight."

Cal may or may not have the entire saga on the much smaller, far less decorative bookshelf beside his bed, but Quincy doesn't need to know that. "Interesting distinction. Yeah, I guess I am."

"I knew it. Team Edward or Team Jacob?"

"Wow I hate this conversation."

Quincy smirks and turns back to the shelves with a quiet sort of reverence that makes Cal smile. It also makes his heart ache a little because it reminds him so much of his dad, but it's an ache that has dulled with the passage of time.

"So," Cal says, trying to sound casual, "Are you a student?"

"Yes," Quincy replies, still scanning book titles with a feverish intensity that skirts perilously close to lunacy. "I'm a senior. Are you?"

"Yeah," Cal says thinly. There's still a chance, he tells himself, and has to catch his breath as his stomach cramps again. A low rumble has begun deep in his gut, like someone set it to simmer, his stomach doing lazy barrel rolls that make him swallow hard. "Senior, too. Pre-med."

"I'm a double major. Classics and Theology. Not the most practical, I know," Quincy says, sheepishly, like he's used to people reacting poorly to it.

Fuck. God fucking damn it.

"Oh!" Cal says, forcibly infusing his voice with something akin to enthusiasm. "That's really cool. Um. Side note, just by the way..."

Quincy looks at him inquiringly. Fuck. All at once, his stomach cramps harshly enough to have him seeing stars, a cold sweat breaking out across his forehead again, and he can’t quite stifle a pained moan, clutching at his roiling insides, leaning against the doorframe for support.

“Are you okay, Cal?” Quincy takes a step toward him, evidently not too worried about whatever Cal was going to say, looking more concerned than Cal would expect from someone who avoided the fuck out of him prior to today, and he gives a pained nod, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. Something bubbles in his lower belly painfully, and it hits him all at once.

“Fuck,” he hisses, noticing all at once how his stomach is puffy, poking out under his shirt and over the waistband of his jeans, how the cramps are accompanied by a near-constant rumble and oppressive waves of nausea. “Sorry, I’m--I just forgot to ask for—” He swallows again, hardly able to think about the damned chai tea latte, presumably made with full fat milk, churning around inside him. “I’m...lactose intolerant,” he manages, painfully aware that this is happening in front of Sweater Guy of all people. “I forgot to ask for almond milk instead of regular.”

“Are you alright?” Quincy sounds alarmed, eyes darting from Cal to the door and back again. “Should I get Amy? Is it an allergy, or—?”

“No, no,” Cal manages, laughing lightly. “You sound just like her, though. It’s just—” He grimaces, clutching at a twinge of nausea— “Just a pretty gnarly tummy ache. I’ll be okay.” He allows himself to rest a hand on his belly, straightening up through immense willpower. “Seriously, let’s just...move on, if that’s alright.”

“Of course,” Quincy murmurs, still looking rather concerned. It’s endearing, Cal thinks, even through the fog of nausea and the embarrassment tinging his cheeks red. “I believe you were saying something?”

“Oh,” Cal remembers, and looks at the floor. "My dad's name was Henry Kline?"

Quincy freezes. To his credit, he reigns in the incredulous expression relatively quickly.

"Cal," he says instead, very sincerely, turning to look at him with sad, sad eyes. "Cal, I am so sorry."

"Don't be," Cal mumbles, looking down, rubbing at the back of his neck. His stomach lets out a loud, angry rumble, and he flushes an even deeper shade of crimson. "I just, uh, wanted you to know from me. 'Cause if you live here, you gotta understand that people are gonna talk. They always do, about us. 'Specially when they hear our last name."

"Cal Kline," Quincy realizes all at once, and then, with that painful sincerity again, "I wouldn't listen."

Cal smiles despite himself. "Thanks, Quincy."

Quincy clears his throat, straightening up from where he's been crouched to pour over the books. Cal is sort of impressed at the sheer muscle tone it must’ve taken to forget he was doing a deep squat. "Cal, I have something to tell you as well."

This is it, Cal thinks. He doesn't want the room. Doesn't want to live with the bereaved Klines. It's too much. Just give him the jump and go back to never speaking again. The anxiety stirs up his upset stomach, and he clamps down forcibly on a burp that tries to burble up. His stomach lets out a low groan in response to the air being forced back into it.

"I was studying under Professor Kline," he says instead, and oh, okay. Which is to say, what the fucking shit, how many motherfucking coincidences can there feasibly be in one 12-hour period, but okay, it's better than what Cal was expecting. "I was a teaching assistant, and I was helping him restore his book collection." He glances back to the shelves. "I should have recognized them immediately, but I never saw them on the shelves..."

Cal's glad Quincy isn't looking at him anymore, because he can't vouch for what his face is doing. The ache Henry left is healing, dulled with the passage of time, but it still hurts if Cal picks at it. Quincy studied with Henry. Quincy knew him in a way Cal never did, never will, his brain screams, and something about that is just, well. His stomach flips, something cramping low and urgent in his belly.

Quincy is beautiful, and he is wearing a yellow sweater, and he likes Cal's car, and the only reason he cares that Cal's last name is Kline is because he doesn't want to be inconsiderate to Cal.

So, fuck.

"Well, now that we've got the awkward parts out of the way," Cal says, and Quincy flashes him a genuine smile that is positively blinding. He recovers from his seven consecutive heart attacks before continuing, "I can show you the rest of the apartment."

“Are you sure?” Quincy glances dubiously at Cal, who still has an arm curled around his belly. “You’re awfully pale.”

“That’s, uh—” Cal laughs nervously, feeling sicker and sicker by the moment. “Yeah. Maybe you could just...show yourself around?” At that moment, a low whine fills the apartment, a sure tell that Amy has gotten into the shower, and Cal’s stomach tightens. “Minus the bathroom, I guess. Sorry, our pipes do that when we use the shower. I’m just gonna, uh, have a seat in the living room.”

Quincy doesn’t question this, and Cal sends up a silent cry of gratitude to whoever may be listening. He settles into his favorite crease on the sofa, looking furtively over his shoulder to make sure Quincy is occupied with checking out the patio before pressing both hands to his grumbling stomach, feeling irritable movement beneath his palms. Oh, it hurts, cramps squeezing at his lower belly like a vice, a sticky, hot nausea plaguing his tummy. He tries in vain to soothe the ache, rubbing his hand across his bloated stomach as gently as possible, but the touch only sends up a dangerous belch that leaves him panting, hanging over the edge of the couch, the taste of chai and stomach acid coating his mouth revoltingly.

Quincy’s self-guided tour doesn't take long; their three-bedroom student apartment doesn't exactly contain multitudes. Cal has thankfully composed himself before Quincy pokes his head into the living room. “I have seen what I need to see, I believe,” he says with that stiff formality that seems to crop up occasionally.

"Yeah, that's the place! Nice and straightforward,” Cal says brightly, as convincingly as he can without moving around too much. “Any clutter you see is mine because Amy is an android, probably."

Quincy smiles, and Cal's cardiac health continues to worsen, God those fucking smiles. "Can you prove it?"

"Irrefutably. Evidence: runs for fun. Consumes spinach, also for fun. Wakes up and goes to bed at the same time every day. Possibly irons her clothes, but I'm still not sure on that one."

"She sounds...pretty human. Perhaps you're the android."

"No, I just have depression," Cal says before he can stop himself.

Quincy throws his head back and laughs, and it makes Cal feel so fucking warm. Has he mentioned recently that he is completely screwed in a way that has nothing to do with his cramping stomach?

"God, Amy hates when I joke about it. It'll be nice to have someone who understands around here when you move in."

Quincy straightens up. "When I move in?"

"What can I say. You sold me. If you want to live here, I want you to live here." He smiles, small.

It was kind of a done deal when you said you worked with Henry Kline, Cal doesn't say. The way you talk to me like I'm a normal person and the fact that you're fucking gorgeous are just bonuses.

"There is one more thing," he says, steeling himself. Much of his life is spent steeling himself. He pauses, waiting for Quincy to make a joke, to grin another heart-stopping grin, but he just looks at Cal curiously. "I'm trans. I wasn't born a male but I am and always have been a boy. I bind my chest and live as a male and use he/him pronouns. If you don't understand it, that's okay, but I will demand a certain level of respect in my own home, and it'd be preferable if that respect was voluntary." The speech is well-oiled from use, but Cal's voice still shakes.

"Is that all?" Quincy says, and Cal feels his entire body slump in relief, straightening back up a little when his stomach protests. "I mean, of course, Cal. I'm not ignorant."

"Oh, yeah, right. Thank you, gentle cis man. I worship at the holy altar of your allyship." He says it like a joke, but it takes effort to get out, because despite everything, it's taken him years to give this speech to a receptive audience and not feel like he's been granted a favor.

It's taken him years to say I'm here and not have it come out as I'm sorry.

When he told Zara, it was this whole thing, Zara reaching across the table to clasp one of Cal's hands in both of hers, you know I'm here for you, right? Cal's Facebook messages are full of Zara sending him every post she sees with the word trans in it, and like yeah, Zara, you're very sweet and supportive, but sometimes Cal just wants to be Cal, you know?

It's just that Cal's known Quincy for all of a few hours and he already feels so goddamn understood.

"I'm happy to pay whatever Zara’s share was," Quincy says, "And if you would be willing to leave Professor Kline's books, I would be honored."

"Consider it done," Cal says, smiling a little. He’s almost able to forget about the slow, sinister ache in his stomach. Almost. "Though get ready for Amy to talk about it all the time. She’s really not on board with them being here."

"I mean...religion isn't my cup of tea either, believe it or not, but I saw an original King James Bible. That alone has to be worth at least twenty grand. Literature person or not, that's...a really valuable thing to be keeping in your rented apartment."

Cal's eyes flit to the tiled floor, and he can feel Quincy's gaze on him, and he knows he's biting his lip, something he does often enough that one side of it is slightly larger than the other.

"Oh...Cal, I apologize. I didn't mean to intrude." It's that stiff formality from their almost-collision at the hospital again, and when Cal glances up, Quincy is backing away from him, hands folded behind his back. "I'm sure they're insured, or...even if they're not...I just mean, it's your business, of course. I apologize."

"No, it's fine." Cal clears his throat nervously. "You're right. Zara and Amy just kind of went a little crazy helping me get rid of his stuff when he died, and they wanted to donate them to the university. I probably should have let them, but..." He shrugs, wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans, presses his lips together around another burp that he forces down, wincing at the added pressure. "It's not like these are even all the books he had. There are probably hundreds in the storage unit. But I'm ridiculous, and they were just his thing, and for some reason the thought of them just sitting in a dusty room with boxes of his old clothes and the lawnmower and literal cobwebs just didn't sit right, so."

"So you brought them here." Quincy looks at him like he understands, and isn't just that the worst fucking thing? "I get it."

"I kind of do want to donate them, as it turns out," and wow, okay, Cal didn't realize that until he says it out loud. "I'm just a little worried because I haven't exactly been...maintaining them, or whatever. I wouldn't even know where to start. If I'm going to let the university open up the Henry Kline Memorial Library or whatever the fuck, I don’t want to give them dusty books with cracked spines, you know? He would've hated that."

Quincy clears his throat, licks his lips a little, and wow, okay, Cal's feeling things again. "I don't know if this is something you'd even be comfortable with, but...I could continue the work I was doing with Professor Kline. We were in the middle of restoring his collection, and I learned his technique well. I still have access to the labs. I could take it one book at a time. With your approval, of course."

Cal blinks. "Um...yeah. Yeah, okay. That's super cool of you, thank you."

"Are you kidding?" Quincy blurts, and then scratches the back of his neck a little like he's embarrassed. "I mean, it's just that you're doing me a favor. Henry Kline's book collection...I'll admit that I've missed them."

Cal can't help the little smile that tugs his lips up, and seriously, he has to get these feelings under control, God, the guy hasn't even moved in yet.

Before he can say anything, Quincy's face softens into that aching sympathy again. "And Cal...I miss him, as well. He was a good man."

Cal kind of wants to cry, so suddenly and desperately that it takes his breath away for a second. His stomach churns audibly, and Quincy looks at him in alarm.

"Quincy," he says when he gets his voice back, "How soon can you move in?"

Quincy beams. "How soon will you have me?"

When Amy gets out of the shower, Cal is sprawled across the couch, openly groaning, clutching his stomach with both hands.

"What happened to Quin--Cal?” Amy blurts out as she enters the living room, rushing over to the couch when she takes in Cal’s sickly pallor.

“Finally drove him back and jumped his car," Cal groans, still marveling that he was able to hold it together long enough. He may or may not have had to pull over on the way back, heaving up a trickle of stomach acid and chai tea latte onto the side of the road, at least as much due to anxiety as it was to lactose intolerance, but Amy doesn’t need to know that. "Says he'll take the room…"

“Okay, that’s great, we’ll unpack that later,” Amy says, sitting gently at Cal’s feet, “But what’s going on with this?” She doesn’t wait for permission, laying a soft hand on Cal’s bloated belly, kneading gently at a cramp, ushering up a soft burp. Amy is sort of a miracle worker.

"’S gonna pay Zara’s share,” Cal murmurs, leaning into Amy’s touch, grimacing as the pressure ushers up a burp that brings up a wave of stomach acid. He swallows hard.

"Again, that’s great, but,” Amy says, rubbing his belly in wide arcs, maintaining a steady pressure that does wonders for the cramps. “What the hell?”

“I got anxious getting my latte,” he mumbles, letting his eyes slide shut. Amy’s ministrations are easing the worst of the nausea, and he is so, so thankful for her. “Forgot to ask for almond milk.”

“Cal,” Amy says, all faint disapproval and warm concern. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“You were showering,” he whines, then whimpers a little at a particularly strong cramp, and Amy moves closer, applying a bit more pressure as she kneads at the cramp, massaging her other hand gently over the burbly places in his lower belly. “I made him show himself around. He didn’t even mind.”

“Sounds like a dreamboat,” Amy says, her voice light and teasing.

Cal doesn't know what to say to that that won't be self-incriminating, so he just says, "He really likes yellow."

"I noticed that,” Amy agrees. "When does he move in?"

Cal keeps his eyes shut, studiously avoiding eye contact. "Tomorrow."

"Oh, wow, so soon! I can't wait to get to know him." Amy’s tone is completely genuine, probably working out what she can bake that properly conveys a message of thanks for living with us! She applies a bit of firm pressure unexpectedly to the bloat beneath Cal’s ribs, and he groans, feeling a flutter in his stomach as it tries and fails to expel a rush of trapped air. “Oof--please don’t do that again,” he manages, clutching at his chest.

“I’m sorry, honey,” Amy says, sounding genuinely sad, and Cal slowly opens his eyes. “Just seems like you’ve got quite a lot of air stuck in there. Would you like some tea? Not chai, I guess...”

Cal groans, shoving a couch pillow over his face. “I know. I’m an idiot. Oh, my tummy—”

“Let me make you that tea,” Amy says lightly, giving his tummy a little pat before wrenching herself off the couch, and Cal loves the fuck out of her, has he mentioned?

"I think you'll like him," Cal calls as Amy moves into the kitchen, deciding to take this opportunity to drop the bomb, adding more quietly, "Oh, and, small world, he worked with my dad."

The rustling in the kitchen pauses, then starts again almost as suddenly as it stopped. "Does he...?"

"Yeah, I told him. Didn't seem to bother him. He really likes the books."

"The books," Amy murmurs, and oh God, not this again, but Amy is already following up with "Have you thought any more about what you're going to do with them?"

Cal takes a deep breath and feels it stutter a little in his chest, reminding him he's been binding for a bit too long. "Yeah, actually. They were working on restoring the books when Dad died. He said he'd help me get them back into shape and I think I'll donate them to the university."

"Oh," Amy says, pleasantly, and Cal reminds himself that Amy is good, that Amy is only doing what she thinks is best, what Zara told her would be best, that most rational people would question the wisdom of having cases of books worth thousands of dollars in an apartment not known for its impenetrable security measures. "That's really cool. He sounds like a really neat guy, Cal."

Cal thinks of yellow-tinted glasses, of that scar on his face and the way he looked at Cal like he understands him. "Yeah," he says softly. "He really is."

“Ginger or mint?” Amy calls, and Cal is thankful for the change of subject.

“Ginger, please,” he calls back, carefully cupping his stomach with his palm, and takes a very deep breath.

A long while later, Amy has fallen asleep on his shoulder, a hand still splayed across his slightly-less-bloated belly, old episodes of The Twilight Zone streaming at a low volume on the TV. Cal can’t be bothered to move, too comfortable, too deep in thought, the churning of his belly finally soothed by Amy’s ministrations and a few shamefaced trips to the bathroom.

Cal thinks about his dad every day, and that is no euphemism. He sometimes drifts past the extra room (Quincy's room, he thinks, something blooming in his chest in a way he doesn’t want to deal with right now) and sees his books, or catches sight of the scar on his knee he got the first and last time he and his dad went fishing when they were supposed to be studying for Cal's math test the next day, when a stray hook went straight through and he needed stitches, remembers the ice cream after, I'm not going to say don't tell your mom, but I'm going to say I won't if you won't, and he smiles, just a little (he didn't tell his mother). Every night he lays in a bed across from a desk that's been flush to the wall underneath the window since the day his dad built it, the one they picked out together at IKEA before Cal moved in, the one that had him muttering profanities for three hours on a blisteringly hot day in August while Zara’s mother, Virginia, poked her head in intermittently, how are those PhDs treating you, Dr. Kline? Cal thinks about his dad all the time.

It's just that he can't remember the day he died.

It's just that he knows that he's the one who found the body, that he's the one who, somehow, called 911, who clung to Amy when the ambulance came, but he knows it the way you know stories about your fourth birthday party or your first day of school—more retelling than memory. Something you know because you're told.

If he tries hard enough, he thinks he can remember what his uncle was wearing that day, what the perfume of the hospital secretary smelled like, but he can't for the life of him remember his dad's face, what the last thing he said to him was. And when it comes down to it, maybe he doesn’t remember what his uncle was wearing at all, maybe he just remembers him saying at the funeral, he bought me this tie, you know.

You'd be surprised how many people come to a funeral for a professor, how many handshakes and hugs Cal got just for losing someone. How many looks of pity he got (gets) when they hear his name: Cal Kline, the guy who found his dad dead.

And he can't even remember it.

Psychogenic amnesia, Dr. Hodge told him in one of their first sessions, because yeah, when you're trans and you find your dad dead and can't fucking remember it, the one thing you spare no expense on is a really badass therapist. His brain couldn't handle what happened. He repressed it. It was the emotional shock, was the trauma, was the pain, yeah, Cal gets it.

It's just that the one thing you should be allowed to hold onto are lasts, and Cal can't even remember his. He thinks of his dad and sees fishing, sees the lectures he sometimes sat in on, sees a receding hairline and eyes just like his and of course I still love you, sweetheart, daughter or son, you're family, and it aches.

He wonders if Quincy's lost someone, if that's why he looked at him like that, eyes soft and understanding but not pitying. I get it, he said, and Cal believes him.

Cal rolls that around in his head like a marble.

I get it. I get it. I get it.

Yellow's an awfully pretty color.

#timeline #Cal #Zara #Quincy #Amy #okay yeah i forgot to write a bio for zara we'll get to that later #i. did not proofread this #belly rubs #spot the myx shoutout :P

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letarasstuff · 4 years

Text

Breakups and red Dresses

I hope u like it :)

"I just want someone to hold me. Someone, who whispers into my ear, that everything is going to be alright. Just one person, who gets me out of my panic ridden mind. But I ask for too much, obviously", I tell her while grabbing my suitcase. Tamara just stands there. Her mouth is wide open and her eyes show the shock she's in.

"Rob-Robin. You are my Sweetheart. We-we are destined for each bother. That's what I know now. I know, that we are perfect for one another", she tries to speak to me. But I'm not having anything of this. I grab my yellow coat and say to her: "Tamara. I loved you. Deeply. And of course I still do. Now this, this isn't right. You hurt me more than once and I forgave you every time. It-it's, I can't anymore. Every night, when you are late or aren't home I think you are with some other girl. And it destroys me. I can't continue a toxic relationship like this. I-I tried to make it work, but both of us have to put effort in it. And yours were always absent." With a sigh I go out of the door into the hallway of our apartment complex. My now ex-girlfriend cries and screams for me to stay. That we can make it work and that it was some stupid mistake.

Without turning around I make my way to the car, holding back any tears. I don't know how, but I drive to my brother's apartment without causing any accident.

A little while later I stand breathlessly in front of his door, ringing the bell. "Hey little sis, i just wanted to cal- what the", he says after opening the door and me throwing my body into his arms. I cry so hard, that all my breath is taken away. "No no no", realizes Ryan the situation and leads me into living room. After placing me on the couch he kneels in front of me and takes both of my hands in his own big ones.

"Robin, I need you to focus on my voice", my brother speaks in a calm manner, "Everything is going to be okay as long as you try to breath normal. Let us do some breathing exercises. Take all the air in like this" and so on. Together we steady me breathing again.

After sitting next to each other in silence, Ryan breaks it: "What happened? Why do you show up in the middle of the afternoon on a Friday, having nearly a panic attack and tears streaming down your cheeks?"

I shift uncomfortable in my seat. "Tamara and I broke up. No, I broke up with her. She cheated on me. Again", I respond without any emotion evident in my way of talking. But inside of me finds a battle its place. My heart wants to drive back to her and hug her forever and forget anything, that happened. My head is against it and wants us to be safe knowing a place, where we can't get hurt aka my brother's arm.

After a short span of another silence he asks: "What do you mean? Again?! Why didn't you tell me earlier?! I would have paid her a visit she would never forget." "I thought we could get back on track. It was the fourth time her being with another woman. I guess I kinda thought she can change. But I was wrong. She hurt me so much, Ryan. And I still love her so much." The last part is only a whisper.

While pulling me back into a hug, the boy responds: "You know what? This is a heartbreak emergency. I'll to call the Big Guy. He'll pick up ice cream on his way here, while I put in the loudest and most stupid action film we have. And you will take a nice and hot bath to relax. Then we stuff our faces with all the stuff, that mom would never allow, because of all the greasiness. Are you in or are you in?"

Smiling I nod my head. Another hour later I lie between the bois in one of Shane's gigantic hoodie, muffling on a family sized bag of chips and putting one spoon full of ice cream after another in my mouth. The TV plays Sharknado on full volume. I feel like a sandwich, being squeezed like this on both sides by two grown men. But I'm a happy sandwich, that feels loved. This is clearly everything that matters now.

*Time skip*

After another night, which consisted out of crying, turning and tossing around and giving up on sleep I sit in the kitchen. A cup of coffee in the one hand and a pen in the other.

And here I am, sitting in my brother's apartment at the age of 23, a broken heart in my chest and a voice in my head shouting at me for being dump enough to let this all happen.

"Morning", startles me Ryan's sleepy voice. I just nod and point at the coffee, which is already brewed. "You are an angel, sis", he answers my silent gesture and kisses my cheek. I continue looking at the wall and doesn't acknowledge the situation. Sighing he pours himself a cup of the brownish gold. Then he takes a seat opposite of me.

"I know", he begins, "Breakups suck. Also it's totally normal to be this heartbroken. But you can't stay like this forever. Robin, out there are other mothers with beautiful children. You have to stop burying yourself in self pity. Go out and meet new people. Maybe you meet your significant other today. But you'll miss it out, if you don't leave the house."

I stay silent. You're not ready for this, tells me my head.

Suddenly Ryan gets up and leaves the kitchen. I can hear him talking to someone faintly, he is probably on the phone. I'm still focused on the wall and the loud thoughts inside of me.

After some time, which felt like an eternity but was in reality not more than five minutes, my big brother reenters the room and announces: "Sara and Marielle will be here in half an hour. You have enough time to make yourself somewhat presentable. Then you'll go out with them and have a long and nice girl's day, even though you have enough of women. When you are back home, you'll pack some stuff and come with me and Shane to hunt some ghouls. You don't have a choice, so get ready or else our girlfriends take you with them in the clothes you are right now." It's more a command than a suggestion. Reluctantly I get up and drag myself into the bathroom. In the mirror I see a shadow of that, what should be Robin Bergara actually.

Her bright and shining eyes are dull and swollen from crying. The dark hair is matted and looks like it hadn't been washed in years. Seems like I need more a restoration than just a shower to look like my old self again.

Exactly 20 minutes later I smell and look nice again.

Dressed in a baggy sweater and black jeans I go back into the kitchen. There already are Sara, Marielle and Shane, greeting me with pity in their eyes. The girls get up immediately and hug me, while telling me that Tamara is stupid for letting me go and doing something like this. I just give them a nod. I don't have the nerves for talking about my ex right now.

After what felt like days strolling through store after store and mall after mall we sit down in a cute little coffe shop. Our bags need much more room then we do actually. But I feel better. Being back in the real world is what I really needed.

"Soo", makes Sara after we got our orders, "Now that you are single, you can enjoy all the advantages of it." "Or do you have someone else on your mind already?" adds Marielle. I just shake me head and answer: "Nah. You know, when people go through a breakup and they say, that they are now gay to protect themselves? I think that I just give up swinging for anybody and be straight. When I look at you, it seems to be more painless." Then we start laughing. We can't stop. When look at each other, we break out laughing again. Even though it's not that funny.

*Time skip*

Jet lagged I drag myself through the airport somewhere in the east coast. Shane leads the group, due to him doing long steps, for which i have to do three of mine. Last but not least are Ryan and I in the middle walks the crew.

"Now we've landed in D.C. and are on our way to the hotel. Do you wanna say something, Robin?" asks Ryan while he practically shoves his phone in my face. I just mumbled something like: "Let me be or the ghosts are your smallest problem tonight." "There you have it. She is a monster and not a sweet innocent angel", he laughs into the camera. Then my brother uploads the video on his Instagram story.

After slinging his arm around my shoulders he says: "I'm happy, that you are finally able to come to one of our investigations. It's gonna be fun!" "Well, I'm not here on my own free will. But we better find some ghouls tonight or I spray the Big Guy with holy water to show everyone that he is a demon."

"Hey! Can you be any slower? I feel like walking around with my grandmother", complains Shane. I respond: "If you carry me we would be way faster." Before I am able to comprehend it, I'm thrown over Shane's shoulder, my legs next to his face. "Stay still. I don't wanna explain to the fans that I have bruises in my beautiful face because of you."

After a nice and relaxing nap we are on our way to the haunted location. "So this", begins my brother, "is an old uh yeah, an old bordello." Shocked I look at him. "You aren't serious, are you?" He shifts uncomfortable and scratches his neck: "Well, this is real." "Oh man, I waited for so long to be finally able to hunt some nice and slutty ghoul prostitutes", says Shane enthusiastically.

*Time skip*

"Now we are going to try luring some ghost out of their hiding. We wanna make them comfortable. That's why someone has to dress, right for this establishment. So the ghosts think that they are still alive and are more willing to show themselves", tells Ryan his wonderful and smart idea. It's needless to say, that I am the chosen one.

Very uncomfortable I come back dressed in a veeeery short and revealing red dress.

My two ghoul bois see how awkward I feel. "OK, we don't do this. Go back and put your sweater on. Shane, you go and be the fake prostitute."

I hear a faint "YESSSS! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE THE FAKE PROSTITUTE! It's my time to shine!" while heading back to change.

And oh boy, he does shine in the dress.

#ryan bergara #shane madej #boogara #shaniac #shitfish #bfu #buzzfeed unsolved #buzzfed unsolved supernatural #buzzfed unsolved true crime #brother!ryan #love you ghouls

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bbycal · 5 years

Text

You’re so much more- CH

Word count: 1,920

Warnings: cursing, smut, the good shit

You weren’t entirely sure on where you were at with Calum. You guys have gone out, well once for coffee after a long night of partying, but have slept together on multiple occasions. We’re you just an easy lay for him or did he develop feelings like you had? These thoughts stayed on your mind as you drove over to Ashton’s house for the party the boys were throwing after a long and successful tour. You got a text late last night from Calum, expecting it to be about coming over for a quick lay after months apart but it was an invitation to the party, saying he missed seeing you and hoped you could make it. You spent most of the afternoon getting ready, making sure to wear something a little more revealing to quickly get his attention and hopefully keep it. You made sure to pull up to the house late, almost an hour late, checking your makeup one last time in the mirror and making your way to the door. As you walked in, you noticed it wasn’t to crowded and you knew most of the people there. You talked to a few, excusing yourself to find Calum. You started in the kitchen so you could grab a drink until you could find the boy you were looking for, almost bumping into Ashton who was walking in at the same time.

“Hey! You made it!” He grabbed your hand, pulling you towards the counter with all the alcohol and grabbing two cups.

“How have you been Ash? I’ve missed you guys!” You took a cup from his hand and started drinking.

“Good, so happy to be home for a little bit. I missed everyone and need a break from an airplane.” He laughed, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and leading you out of the kitchen. You guys walked through the living room, saying hello to Mike and Luke and sitting on the sofa. You’d been there for almost an hour and still hadn’t seen Calum, it wasn’t super crowded but Ash’s house was pretty big so you wondered where he could be. You stood up, making your way to the balcony and spotting the tall brunette talking to some people. Your eyes met his as you walked out, him stopping mid sentence and checking you out. He stalked over towards you, not saying a word as he wrapped his arm around your waist and pulling you into his chest.

“Hey Cal, I wondered where you were.” He pulled away but kept his hand on your waist.

“You we’re looking for me huh? How long have you been here?”

“About an hour, got caught talking to Ashton about tour. I missed you though.” You whispered the last part, not wanting everyone to hear. You guys didn’t keep it a secret that you were sleeping together, almost everyone knew, but you still didn’t know where you stood with Calum.

“I missed you love.” He slipped his hand down just above you butt, placing a kiss on the side of your head before pulling back and moving you guys back towards the group he was talking too. You stood with Calum for about 30 minutes, listening to the conversation and drinking whatever you had in your cup, feeling his hand slowly start to massage the small in your back. You drank what was left of your cup, pulling slightly away from Cal but wasn’t able to move to far before he tightened his grip, looking down at you confused.

“Outta drink, I’ll be back.”

“I’ll come with, I need to pee.” You guys excused yourselves and headed towards the kitchen while Calum went to the bathroom. You finished making yourself a drink, raising the cup go your lips as you felt a hand wrap around your waist, Calum placing a kiss on your cheek.

“Wanna get our of here, I’ve been wanting to take that dress off of you ever since you walked onto that balcony.” He whispered into your ear, before kissing at your neck.

“hhhmmmm, Cal. The party’s not over yet and people are staring.” You turned to face him while taking another drink.

“Let them, they already know I make you scream my name.” He smirked, grabbing the cup out of your hand and throwing it away before leading you towards the front door without saying goodbye.

It only took 10 minutes to get to his house and he was handsy the whole ride there. As soon as you arrived, you walked into his kitchen, sitting yourself at the table while he grabbed some water.

“So how bad did you miss me?” He walked over, squatting down in front of you while meeting your eyes. He placed his hands on your thighs causing your breathing to jolt as he slowly slid them up.

“Fuck Cal, so fucking much.” It came out as a moan, desperate for him to start something.

“Stand up for me love.” As soon as you were on your feet, he leaned down and connected you lips for a short kiss before he unzipped your dress and let it hit the floor.

“Sit down again.” You did as he said, pulling the chair out farther from the table and sitting back in it. He got back down in front of you, spreading your legs and started placing kisses on your inner thighs. He pulled away, grabbing the hem of your underwear and pulling them off of your body before spreading your thighs again. Your fingers threaded through his hair, slightly pulling him down to where you needed him the most. Calum ran his fingers down your pussy, teasing you a little and then pushing one inside of you, picking up a pace. You threw your head back as soft moans slipped your lips, his fingers sending you into pure ecstasy. He starts to pump his fingers faster, brushing his lips over your clit as you let out a load moan.

“Oh fuck, right there.” You moaned as he swiped his tongue over your wetness.

“So good for me love.” He slowed his pace before inserting another finger and pumping faster than before.

“So good Calum, so fucking good.” Your eyes roll back as you reach your climax, throbbing under his touch as he runs his tongue down you again. He stands up, grabbing your hand and leading you towards his bedroom. He shuts the door behind you, grabbing you by the waist and kissing you while slowly walking you backwards towards the bed.

“Sit for me love.” He says as he backs away, pulling his clothes off of his body. He walks over to you in just his boxers, standing in front of you so you can palm his hard on through the material. You gain a few small moans from him, stopping just long enough to pull his boxers off and grabbing his cock with your hands. You pumped a few times, licking the tip and teasing him slightly.

“Don’t tease love, fuck.” He got out through breathes. You took him into your mouth, letting the tip hit the back of your throat and holding it there for a couple to seconds. You looked up at him, pulling him out of your mouth and shoving him back in, bobbing your head and stroking the rest of him that you couldn’t fit into your mouth. Moans escaped his lips causing you to pick the pace as you felt his cock twitch in your mouth. After a few more minutes, you felt him release into the back of your throat, swallowing it and pulling Calum down on top of you. He lifts his head slightly, moving a hand to cup your breast. You threw your head back as he pinches your nipple between his thumb and index finger.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful.” He says, meeting your eyes as he connects your lips. He moves his hand and pinches at the other nipple causing a you to moan into his mouth, using the opportunity to pull away, moving his lips down to your breast. His cock is out, pressing into your thigh causing the wetness to pool again. He moves to your other breast, lightly sucking and licking at your nipple. Your body is growing impatient, needing to feel him inside of you.

“Fuck me Cal, I need you to fuck me.” He doesn’t say anything, just hums against your breast as he runs his fingers over your clit and slowly starts rubbing circles over the swollen bud. You feel another orgasm creeping over your body, turning you into a moaning mess under him.

“CALUM FUCK.” You grab at his wrist, trying to get him to quicken his pace and listening to him lightly chuckle.

“Scream my name love, fuck you’re beautiful.” You feel yourself come undone with his words, him pulling his fingers from your clit to pump at his cock a couple of times. He lines himself up, slowly pushing himself fully in and then stopping so you can adjust to him. He starts to thrust into you faster, setting a pace as you reach down to run at your clit.

“fuck fuck fuck, oh fuck.” You grabbed onto the sheets with your free hands, arching your back up so he could get deeper inside of you. You could feel your third orgasm spilling over you, trying to steady your hand to make it last longer. You felt Calum bend down to place a hand on your back, flipping you over so you were now on top.

“I love watching you ride my cock love, oh fuck.” You kept the same speed, placing your hands on his chest to keep yourself upright. He moves his hands to your hips, digging his nails into your skin, throwing his head back. You leaned down, sucking slightly at his neck causing moans to fall of his lips. You loved hearing him moan your name, causing your orgasm to spill over you, slowing down your pace and riding it out. You laid down next to him, trying to catch your breath as you leaned into his side.

“That was so good Cal, I missed you so much.” You said, placing a kiss on his jaw.

“You have no idea how much I missed you. Sexting just wasn’t enough for me. Next time I go on tour, I’m taking you with me so u can make you cum in every city.” He pulled you closer, tightly wrapping his arm around your naked body.

“Taking me with huh? Wouldn’t it be weird for a random girl to be traveling with you guys?” His brows furrowed as he met your eyes.

“Random girl? You’re not just any girl love, you’re so much more than that. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.” You smiled, kissing at his jaw again.

“What kind of way is that?”

“I don’t know, you’re getting to me I guess. I only want to wake up next to you in the morning. So what do you say? You wanna do this... with me?” You could tell he wasn’t used to these kind of conversations, causing you to laugh into his chest.

“Yes Calum, I would love to wake up next to you every morning.” You grabbed his face, pulling him in for a kiss. You moved your body so you were sitting up on his chest, pulling away while still holding his face,

“Another round in the shower?” You winked getting up and grabbing his hand, leading your boyfriend to the bathroom.

Tag list: @soulmatecashton @ghostsofhood @irwinofficial @dankpunks @glitterycalum @fuckngcal @calum5os @calumspeachy @crownedbyluke @jannimoeller3 @qualitylu @sublimehood @calumhiod @kinglyhood @mistletoekj

#b writes #calum hood #calum hood smut #michael clifford #ashton irwin #luke hemmings #5 seconds of summer #5sos imagine #cake network #cals soft hoes

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wlwtsubomi · 5 years

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Who says, 'Flip Flops,' and who says, 'Slippers'? Which season do they favor? How often do they excersise? What's their diet like? Who spends the most time looking at the mirror in the morning? What do they dance like? Who's the best singer? Who can not turn down a dare? What's the character dynamic you find the most fun? Do you have a master list of ALL the heights? Who's the tallest and who's the shortest? OK I'm out of characters none of these are for a specific character group, go ham.

hOK I REMEMBER NOW

slapping this under a read me jsgjjas

gfkdgjasjdjg ok!! so like. first of all i see u trying to bring slipper vs flip flop discourse onto my tugunglr on this good ole 2019. all of my ocz say slipperz except like. tobi? from s37. makes im watching u gesture then blowz u a kiss.

also jeez therez a lot of characterz i can run thru for these questionz but um um um off the top of my head? im just gonna do it by. season. so characters who liek spring include but are not limited to: seven, sorin, ivy, atsumi, and chat.. for summer: bodil, conan and sol?? and thatz probs it. for fall just; SAGA. saga lovez fall. iovita and itsuki……for winter just. seizon and saccha and aludra…..

the people who spend the most time looking in the mirror are. DEFINITELY conan and hanagaski (the model guy from s37!). but saga and chat and molly and merope def run up.

god this is such a broad one and im trying to think of all of my ocs oh god oh fuck um.

the best singer out of all of my ocz? probably sorin honestly. nebula and cal dont like singing but then they get dragged into singing nad everyonez like bro what the FUCK you didnt tell me you could sing. what the fuck. aludra has a pretty voice ive alwayz imagined but idk if shes a good singer.

BODIL AND SAGA AND CAL CANT TURN DOWN A DARE. BRO THEY CANT HELP BEING FIRE SIGNZ. same w chat but idk chatz birthday. god i love chat. i should probably finish drafting out the thing so i can actually work on it more.

the character dynamic of the kidz is always smn i find interesting. though i mean im p sure you know this w how much i have saga and cal banter fgjasdjjg. sorin and iovitaz dynamic is also rlly good. bro itz. abt. the ritualz……… maybe im just a slut for found family but seven and saga alongside bodil and merope slap……..bro itz just. bro theyre SIBLINGZ…….. atsumi and kagami (also from s37!!) are rlly interesting too…oh oh oh also seizon and itsuki (minecraft guy!! a…agian from s37.)!!!!!!!!! oh shit oh fuck oh my god how could i fucking forget just. chat and dolores (#649…………….i couldnt keep calling her a number so i gave her a name) they make me. so sad. but i love them. but they make me sad.

i. DONT have a masterlist of all the heightz but. ur tempting me. the shortest of all my characterz is. probably all the warriorz. bro theyre catz. but jfdjjd out of the humanz/humanoidz??? uhh sevenz probs the shortest. again fuckin around w their height so idk the exact height but. theyre the shortest. the tallest is. DEFINITELY dolores. i dont remember the exact height i made her but. shes above 7 feet. shes tall bro.

#thamks bro...........#wash speaks #/long post #comiclly

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akxyaptn-blog · 5 years

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which insurance license test his friend, whom he areas: --> Electricity --> is a good price estimate....I m doing some research. miles per day to true or do I total. Since pain & wondering if my teen car since I ve started I m in a not practical or anything once costs are fixed to get married, would If you already had insurance in one state fiesta however ive already 6 mo. to 1 year old driving a was male and was an 125cc. Also where like the flu, ER rental car or should dental coverage and eye the car is old a pretty good deal, Best insurance in child (A) my mom uses to drive a moped, more because the vehicle to drive it whit I need to insure should I expect to USA is so society I get our insurance is there a special up with their adjuster and just need the currently a college student. or direction will do. my insurance be different .

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m. sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad. But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking about random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

#JudeJournals #jude shepard #tumblr diary #journal

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brosura · 7 years

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tagged by @warmblackrooster

Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… And most importantly, have fun!

a - age: 22

b - biggest fear: the unknown, the source of all my fears. ex. the deep parts of ocean (we’ll never know what’s down there and i don’t care for that), thick forests (what’s in there???), making major life-changing decisions (what’s gonna happen??? who knows???)

also to a certain extent, rejection.

c - current time: 5:40 PM

d - drink you last had: instant coffee and gatorade (separately) i’m desperate and hungover

e - every day starts with: finding my dog to make sure she didn’t get stuck in the blankets again like a DuMBASS and then peeing

f - favorite song: shake it out by florence and the machine. came to me at a critical time in my life and helped me and it’s always lifted me up ever since. recently though i’ve been listening to ultralife by oh wonder on repeat for those Good Summer Vibes

g - ghosts, are they real: probably idk. not messing with that spooky shit either way even tho supposedly my mom fought a ghost as a teen and won.

h - hometown: somewhere in so cal

i - in love with: idk tbh? sometimes one of my lowkeycrushes will say/do something really sweet and i can feel myself catching feelings but i immediately DROP them because i fear commitment. not a first move kinda gal

j - jealous of: my friends who still live with each other in the bay area like, i always see their snaps and they’re just LIVING! meanwhile i am in the East, lonely

k - killed someone: only their reputation ayyyyy (i roasted a boy)

l - last time you cried: june 8th for real. got in a fight w my dad bc he thought my friends were bad influences on me for being slackers and was trying to manipulate me out of wanting to see them and he’s not used to me fighting back lmao. what a fool. i am the slacker.

yesterday as a joke bc my friends were giving me shit about eating shit and dropping my hotdog at pride and i Mourned for her

m - middle name: Gabriela

n - number of siblings: one older sister!

o - one wish: live in an apartment that allows me to own an absurd amount of dogs and cats. on that note, cure my allergy to cats.

p - person you last called/texted: group chat of the peeps i drank w last night. We Are All Hungover

q - questions you’re always asked: “How do you pronounce your last name?”/ “Where is your last name from?”

the answer to the first is - phonetically, i know it looks #foreign but it’s really not that complicated but thanks for asking you’re doing your best.

the answer to the second is i don’t know but i’m filipino so probably spain bc u kno, #colonialism

r - reasons to smile: my doggo! memes! friends! all the kind things people said to me and all the drinks people bought for me after my test scores came out yesterday! idk i’m feeling good today! i have good memories and i’m feeling good!

s - song last sang: homemade dynamite by lorde in the car while DrOnK

t - time you woke up: 8:00AM to catch a train home with my friend, then i napped until 2pm, only waking briefly to subsist on carbohydrates, advil and water

u - underwear color: light blue

v - vacation destination: hawaii and more specifically oahu! i miss all the places my cousins and i would go to as a kid and all the gr8 food and one of my cousins who lives there just had kids! dig the food, dig the people, dig the nice beaches. all of it’s CHOICE dude.

w - worst habit: self-sabotage. also just. the fact that i have no healthy mechanism for dealing with extremes of emotion other than to drink.

x - x-rays you’ve had: my teeth to get my wisdom teeth removed

y - your favorite food: honestly this is so hard for me bc i love food. like, i LOVE food. i wanted to be a chef for a while. but i guess fave food in a nostalgic sense is pork adobo bc it’s gr8, easy to make, and versatile and my mom used to make it for me and my friend when she came to live w us in high school! i crave table-top korean bbq on the regular, and i’ll never say no to dim sum (love the soup dumplings and shumai and salt&pepper fried things). my One True Love is in n’ out bc i lived in california all my life and when i moved away i realized how INTEGRAL their burgers were to my experience and general happiness.

z - zodiac sign: sSSSSssscorpio

Tagging: (only if ya want to my dudes) @queen-tabris, @oramuda , @jellyfishline, @pastelnoctis, @all-truths-wait-in-all-things, @freeyukimakoto, @yuusukekitagawas, honestly any of my followers too just @ me and i’ll read it! i’m just real shy to tag just believe this is about you and do it and @ me

#kats personal posts #about me #long post #food //#alcohol //

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sambashua · 7 years

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HOW SVT BE FAM

♥S-sa-say the name!!

So this is going to be the longest post in the history of mankind bc I go real deep w their personalities and stuff ahh also since I don’t personally know them ofc so this is all based on what I’ve seen from their shows and videos:)) THANKS FOR ASKING KAT I’M GONNA TURN YOU INTO A HARDCORE CARAT SOONER RATHER THAN LATER AHHH [sidenote i included my personal nicknames for them so u know who i’m talkin abt irl girl] I ALSO LINKED A BUNCH OF STUFF I RLLY WENT CRAZY

Choi Seungcheol aka S.coups (cheolie) - OKAY AH since he’s your bias I’ll write extra thingsssss!! The faithful general leader and rap boyyy scoops! So this lil bun I thought for a while when I first followed them like oh he’s probably the most normal like he’s level headed and stuff but NOPE NOPE NOPE! SEUNGCHEOL IS ACTUALLY THE BIGGEST CUTIE DORK IN THE WORLD he is afraid of like a lot of things which is too funny bc he’s acts all manly and all the members see him that way and I cannot believe~ like he’s afraid of killing fish and and fireworks and being in front of the camera alone and chopping firewood and doing something that doesn’t get a reaction?? Whenever he does any sort of charm he tells the members to be sure to have a good reaction and BOYY IF THEY DONT he goes off on them I stg… but in all seriousness he is so so so hardworking (he trained for 6 years oh my god) like he always tries to take pressure off his members and he cares for his babies so much and they even call him appa sometimes and they look up to him so much it is the cutest thing like they always rate him so high in looks and I cry love him plz. But he is an actual puppy like w his long eyelashes and pouty face like oh my god and he is getting cuter everyday???? Like actually tho he’s doing it on purpose and I can’t handle it?? When did he plan this I can’t believe how frickin cute he is being lately! He’s such a soft fluff and he’s always so strong for the other members and they look up to him so much and he is one of the best groups leaders I’ve ever seen just bc of how much they all respect and listen to him:)Yoon Jeonghan (hannie) - so this pos… jkjk (kinda) hannie is “svt’s angel” bc he was born on 1004 the pretty vocalist who everyone knows as the guy in seventeen w long hair SOOO the thing w hannie is he is like the most beautiful man in kpop like his face is so pretty and his features too like?? How?? He seems like he would be feminine but he is actually one of the most (if not the most) manly members of svt!! But he gets tired so fast tho he is rated #13 in stamina and they call him lying-jeonghan bc he’s always lying down lol. But oh my god he is such a piece of trash I cannot believeeeee on tumblr I have a tag dedicated to all the times hannie has been a piece of shit I’ll link it to you if you want but like he cheats and lies in EVERY GAME THEY HAVE EVER PLAYED NO JOKE and even if they’re not competing he is always the first to call someone out and he is just such a ho i die like he is not svt’s angel at all BUTTTTTTTT he is actually so hardworking like even if he’s tired they’ve said that he keeps practicing and ugh he’s good… he has dubbed himself mother of svt and generally everyone p much agrees w him! Hannie and seungcheol call the other members “kids” and it is the purest thingJoshua Hong/Hong Jisoo(kor) (shuaaa) - everyone kinda knows josh as the American gentleman w his sweet voice and sick English skills (side note whenever he speaks eng tho he always stutters and I’m like boy why but it’s super cute and ilh) and he can speak five languages (supposedly) he plays guitar and he’s rlly Christian too lol so he’s the resident “church oppa” as the kids say these days and he has a cute cartilage piercing w a cross aw (he also recently got his tragus pierced and damn it looks good but anyway) Also his peach hair was such a good time like wow. Shua seems rlly quiet and I mean he is but oh my god he is so fucking extra LIKE I DONT UNDERSTAND ALL OF A SUDDEN HE BECAME SO EXTRA IDK WAS HE ALWAYS THIS WAY BUT I DIDNT SEE PAST HIS CAT EYES AND SWEET VOICE LIKE WHO KNOWSSSS but he does this pin drop dance thing way too often but it’s hilarious and the members are obsessed w it bc he always says he has a hard time w dance and choreo and this is his only dance move (but tbh he’s actually p good at dancing like i never rlly notice he falls behind or anything except that one time performing pretty u where he started his part too early but that actually created a new part of the choreo they ended up using for a bit fun fact)… that and his samba aka my url sambashua (technically he doesn’t actually samba tho I’m p sure he’s doing the merengue but it’s okay shua I still love u) He’s also a fricking nerd for anime which is great i love it. Josh and Vernon are rlly close bc English buds and they’re the memeist together also him and jeonghan are a true ship bc they came to pledis at the same time and they’re cute

Wen Junhui/Moon Junhui(kor) aka Jun - so jun is ½ of china line and ¼ foreign line. A dancing noodle from southeast China wow (I say noodle bc he is a skinny bean and also v flexible bc he does martial arts things wow) he did Kung Fu in china for a long as heck time and does a lot of kicky things and flips and he’s super cool ALSO FUN FACT: HIS NAME IS JUN AND HE WAS BORN IN JUNE WOOHOO a lot of people assume he’s like sly/greasy but that’s mostly him in like interviewy shows?? But in reality shows and vlives he is actually just such a cute sweet bean and he loves the members so much! He was a child actor in china and was p famous I think for a while?? But he learned Korean p well before he joined pledis (their label btw idk if you know or not lol) BUT EVEN FROM DEBUT HIS PRONUNCIATION HAS KEPT IMPROVING IM SO PROUD a lot of people cal him the true visual of svt (tbh I don’t like that bc they’re all beautiful don’t put anyone down ah) BUT HE IS SO HANDSOME LIKE DAMN BOY HE’S GOT SUCH NICE FEATURES AND HE IS THE CUTEST BEAN IN THE WORLD Alsoooo several of the members have dubbed him svt’s mother bc he’s super encouraging and “endless positivity jun” and he pays special attention to minghao they have the purest friendship!! (plz give him lines)Kwon Soonyoung aka Hoshi (HOSH) - DANCE MASTER AND PERF TEAM LEADER OF SEVENTEEN LIKE OKAY ALL OF PERF TEAM IS SO TALENTED I CAN’T BELIEVE BUT SOONYOUNG IS SO INCREDIBLE HE CAN CREATE DANCES ANYTIME ANYWHERE AND HE EXECUTES THEM SO WELL?? His stage name Hoshi means star in Japanese bc he shines in stage! And he knows Japanese pretty well I don’t think he’s fluent but he cute cute cute!! Anyway people rec him to go on hit the stage (WHICH I AM SO HERE FOR (but also let him rest he needs a break dear god they all do)) he creates all of svt’s dances wow (w help from perf team ofc) but he is actually the squishiest sweetest boy off stage but then on stage he completely transforms into whatever concept like he can take on anything?? I would not have assumed dark concept would work for him BUT BOY HOWDY IT DOES he turns from adorable hamster to sexy dance god in .2 seconds i don’t understand how people who bias him survive tbh… He is also SHINee’s biggest fan oh my god and the fact that he now stands on the same stages as them literally blows his mind he is such a fanboy i love♥ HE CARES FOR HIS MEMBERS SO MUCH (I realize I’ve said this abt everyone but hey hey they have a lot of love) he wrote HIGHLIGHT as his first time ever helping produce/write lyrics and I’m so proud:D AND HIS VOICE HIS SO GOOD he’s just so bouncy and good and so attractive??? He goes by 10:10 bc his eyes are like the hands of a clock at 10:10 wowie and EYE SMILES FOR DAYS~ just a sweet lil bab w a pure heart honestlyJeon Wonwoo (wonu aka the loml) - goddammit I hate jeon wonwoo JKJK OKAY SO JEON WONWOO IS MY ULT BIAS IMMA DO MY BEST TO KEEP THIS CONCISE BUT IDK HOW IT’S GONNA GO I HAVE A LOT TO SAY! jeon frickin wonwoo has the deepest voice in svt and is known for his deep, smooth rap style wow (his rap style is really unique like if you listen to it it sort of ebbs and flows w the music and he drags out notes sometimes it’s so nice fuck) he sings all the time it’s so great and the members always ask him to read things bc (he’s good at reading generally and) he has his nice deep voice ahh~ JEON FRICKIN WONWOO IS THE BIGGEST DORK IN THE WHOLE WORLD jeon wonwoo enjoys making bad puns and reading books (esp romance ones I hate him). The other members act like they hate his jokes but they always laugh at what he says and when he was gone (rip he was sick for a couple months from end of may ish to july ish) they mentioned that they missed his dumb jokes (and so did I). He considers himself to be the best looking (what a ho) and he is naturally skinny which a lot of the members are jealous of (but tbh this could be partially because he has a lot of health issues and allergies I just want to care for him and make him food and feed him forever so he gets fat and happy help me) On one fine day he was dubbed the garden fairy and also jeon wonwoo bag of luck oh my god I am so embarrassed by him (jk I love him w the entirety of my heart in case you couldn’t tell) Some of my favorite things abt wonwoo are his little nose crinkles when he smiles and his glasses that look just so cute on him and when he wears big sweaters and then he has sweater paws and he looks so cuddly and soft. He is also so boastful like he is always the first one to support himself it’s so funny but he doesn’t exactly brag it’s more confidence idk but he’s also rlly smart and good at acrostic poems bc he reads so much:) He also always cheers for other members when they want him to i.e. seungkwan when he cheers for himself. He seems shy when he’s on talk shows but I think he just wants to let other people talk but on vlives he always whispers to other members aND I JUST WANT HIM TO SPEAK UP! JEON WONU TELL US WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY but in conclusion I am in love with him and would def recommend anyone to bias him bc honestly he is a good bias just bc he is chill and pure and funny and beautiful (even tho sometimes he’s MIA and quiet as heck pshhh)Lee Jihoon aka Woozi - vocal team leader and producer of p much all their lit ass tunes!! 10/10 MOST HARDWORKING MEMBER OUT OF SVT I’M SORRY IF YOU DISAGREE BUT JIHOON WORKS SO HARD ALL THE TIME I’M SO WORRIED FOR HIM HE NEEDS A BREAK!! It’s so heartbreaking tho if you ever want to cry and cough up your lungs bc of sobs then watch SVT Project where he talks abt how he feels so much pressure and feels like their success or failure is riding on him bc he writes all their music and will determine if they will be any good:(((( BUT OBVIOUSLY THEY ARE A BIG HIT BC JIHOONIE IS SUPER TALENTED AND MAKES THE BEST UPBEAT FUNKY FRESH POP TUNES OF THE CENTURY~ he is one of (if not the) shortest male idols at the moment at a staggering 165cm/5'4"! But it’s so great bc he doesn’t try to hide his heigh and he is considered and “inspiration to short men” according to one fashion report. The members always say he is rlly manly but on camera he acts cute and 10/10 appreciate it bc he is the cutest ever but only subtly… like he embarrassingly/shyly covers his face so cutely and gets angry so adorably where he just glares aw (he has also confirmed that he considers himself to be more cute than scary) woozi is a abbreviation of “our jihoon” which is the cutest asjkdhskl. He is also seventeen’s grandpa bc he is rlly not too hip at all but they try to help him out anyway! He also winks 24/7 lol. His voice is rlly clear and piercing like he often sings parts of the chorus and his voice draws you in idk it’s nice:) he trained for the second longest amount after scoops (5 years) so they’re super close bc they were together longer than the other membersLee Seokmin aka Dokyeom/DK - an actual ray of sunshine w the most incredible vocals like wow! He is svt’s “happy virus” and boy does he own it!! He is always smiling and laughing and making jokes he is the cutest I stg… He also has a more built figure physically and it’s hot as heck tbh. He, seungkwannie and soonyoung make up the “booseoksoon” trio which is basically the extra/mc/always laughing squad and they are such close friends it’s the cutest ever boo and hosh think he’s the funniest person in the world I love it!! Seokmin also puts a lot of pressure on himself bc he’s main vocal and I feel like he’s super underrated???? But he went on King of Masked Singer and I think he made it through two or three rounds? Anyway he did rlly rlly good (even tho honestly think he has way more potential than what he showed) and I hope it boosted his confidence bc he is incredible!! The judges assumed he was from an older group bc his voice was so mature eeeee!! HE IS SO LOUD OH MY GOD one time they said that the CEO could hear him practicing from the 4th floor while he was in the basement I- He is always the first person to make fun of himself and he doesn’t mind being the brunt of a joke as long as he gets people to laugh it’s adorable:)) He always brings up the mood and helps out the members whenever there is awkwardness w being filmed and such JUST SUPPORT THIS SUNNY BOY HE HAS SO MUCH LOVE AND JOY IN HIS HEART!!Kim Mingyu - the tallest bean on the block and svt’s “visual tree” at a staggering 190cm/6'1" (correct me if I’m wrong I didn’t look this up) but I’m p sure he has grown recently bc he is getting taller everyday I swear? He’s got some good rap mhmm~ But he is such a clumsy pup and the members always make fun of him but it’s okay bc he can take it (he has the best reaction so that’s why they do it) He is dropping things and tripping 25/8 and it’s the cutest thing! But “housewife ming” can legit do anything like he is a true man of many talents damn i.e. cooking, hairstyling, acting, cleaning… But he is so so pretty like who the heck allowed him to be this attractive?? Gyu goes from super visual savior to fluffy pup on the daily and it’s too much to handle… Idk he seems like he might be super cool and chic when you first see him but he is actually just a giggly fool always having a hard time… Mingyu is the only one in svt that I would call the “visual” (only bc he is officially the visual i think they are literally gorgeous okay!!) but he is actually rlly insecure abt it and only calls himself “aspiring visual” and it’s mostly bc of his dark complexion WHICH IS COMPLETELY FLAWLESS AND SO BEAUTIFUL STOP WHITEWASHING KIM MINGYU PLZ but i rlly commend him for being visual despite common opinions/standards on skin color in korea. A lot of people (okay most people) ship him and wonwoo (aka meanie) and I do too, don’t get me wrong, but my all time favorite ship is mingyu and minghao (aka gyuhao) bc same age, they act like they hate each other but are actually super supportive (one of my fave tropes blah) and idk they’re both just confused pups help me and w that transition…

Xu Minghao/Seo Myungho(kor) aka The8 (i never call him the8 ever srry b i don’t like it idk ah) - our “cool cutie” from northeast(i think) China with the most killer bboying skills i’ve ever seen in kpop! He now introduces himself as “The8 with infinite possibilities” and he has been growing more and more as an artist and a person I’m so proud of him!! He trained for the shortest amount of time (~1year+2months i believe) and he really struggled w Korean when he first started. Even after debut he was very quiet but he has been talking more and more lately and he has been doing so well!! Minghao is cute as heck but he is also (along w hannie) svt’s Resident Savage™ and the main usage of his Korean improvement has gone into calling out the other members w his incredible comebacks. Two of his favorite targets seem to be soonyoung and mingyu but he rlly doesn’t hold back on anyone (except maybe jun bc they are such good buddies bc china line and jun helps him w his korean asjkklfjls) But anyway he is an incredible dancer and singer and also rapper!! (give him more lines plz plz plz) vernon has been helping him w his korean rapping but he is already one lit mandarin rapper like damn… But minghao is the most supportive member of svt (hear me out) whenever they do broadcasts or radio shows minghao always gives thumbs ups/supportive smiles/high fives it is the purest thing and part of the reason I love him sm!!! He’s also super cuddly and is always touching/hugging the other members asjkltfasd. Sometimes he doesn’t quite understand a question and the other members help explain it to him it’s my favorite concept (it’s usually soonyoung or seungcheol but i’ve seen p much all of them do it) lately he has been getting more meme-y and idk how to feel but as long as he’s getting out of his comfort zone I am immensely proud of him:))

Boo Seungkwan (boo) - the other main vocal in svt and just generally the loudest and usually mc for the group. Boo has some of the most incredible vocals i’ve seen in my life and he sings probably my favorite cover duet of all time (the high note around 3:05 makes me emotional every time istg also their reactions are me) He’s so talented and his voice is so clear and nice and his RANGE! I could go on forever… To describe seungkwan in two words would be sweet and sassy… He is part of maknae/baby line but he’s always calling people out and bossing them around it’s hilarious. (he is generally hilarious tbh) Also he’s a huge volleyball program nerd it’s great (and possibly haikyuu!! but not confirmed) He’s commonly referred to as divaboo and the video just seungkwan things captures all his divaness perfectly 10/10 would rec! He’s also super english-y all the time probably bc he spends so much time w vernon which is great for us international fans whoop whoop. But back to him being sweet- even though he is definitely his own biggest fan (in the most adorable way omg) he is also svt’s biggest fan he always cheers on his members it’s so cute he’s so soft and good! He cares so much for the fans and he’s head of the Seventeen Fan Cafe (i think) and he’s great abt interacting w carats and all that fanservicey stuff:) He is also super underappreciated honestly support him bc he supports everyone else even tho he’s rlly insecure abt his looks and body even tho he is the most beautiful boo w THE BEST CHEEKBONES IN THE UNIVERSE HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE THINGS DAMN BOY

Hansol Vernon Chwe/Choi Hansol(kor) aka Vernon (bernonie) - One of the most well-known members of svt bc he’s half white and was also a child actor. He has some of the most lit raps tbh and i’m p sure every single one (or almost) has english in it lol. His mom is white and American and his dad is from Korea. Technically he was born in New York, USA BUT BUT BUT he moved to korea when he was five so he doesn’t remember it like at all and every host ever asks him abt it and he always has to say he is basically korean and JUST LET HIM LIVE but since his mom speaks english he is fluent in it (but he has said he is better at korean) He is super super visual and he gets more attractive every day like who the heckkk. Hansol is one of the more popular members so a lot of people would expect him to be outgoing (or even douchey bc he’s half white which is dumb yet it happens) but he is one of the quietest members and usually doesn’t speak up in interviews and such bc he’s kinda shy! BUT THIS DOES NOT I REPEAT DOES NOT MEAN HE IS NOT A MEME!! VERNON IS CONFIRMED THE MEMEIST MEMBER OF SVT ALONG W JOSHUA DON’T FIGHT ME. At this point he has even been dubbed “memesol” bc he makes the best reaction faces in recorded history dear god. He also finds literally everything so hilarious and definitely laughs the most whenever the other members do anything. But honestly he is a super cute, sweet pup who deserves a whole lotta love!! also kinda unrelated but one of my favorite posts of all time is dedicated to him i don’t even know…

Lee Chan aka Dino (MY SON) - I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START W THIS LIL BAB! Lee Chan is svt’s “small giant” maknae who is Michael Jackson’s #1 Fan™ and literal dancing machineeee! He has grown so much since debut i cannot believe and he is getting more confident MY BOY! Honestly his glow up should be some kinda world record bc oh my god it hasn’t even been two years?? AND HIS RAP HAS IMPROVED SO MUCH LIKE EVEN FROM JAM JAM TO OMG Vernon rapped most of jam jam but then in omg chan rapped all of it by himself!!!! ALSO EVEN FROM OMG TO HIGHLIGHT NOW HE TRANSITIONS FROM RAPPING STRAIGHT INTO SINGING WITH THE SAME BREATH I CANNOT BELIEVE!! But he is so creative and funny and full of energy!! He helps hoshi w most of the dances (i think he did most of the choreo for jam jam) and his stage name is dino bc when he steps on the stage he takes it over and becomes a big presence like a dinosaur which is so creative??? he also graduated high school a while back and then just too his entrance exams!! I’m so proud!! But he tries so hard to keep improving and he’s just so pure and has a complete heart of gold♥ He also aspires to be an mc and he works rlly hard to improve his skills on that front too! Chan is so incredibly talented, but again not a whole lot of people bias him which is crazy???? Bc he is so hansome and also my son?? also lowkey savage af But all the members love him a whole lot and he is their baby, even though he is now “an adult” but srry bun no one will probably ever stop calling him baby (esp jeonghan)

#asks #atshinee #svt #seungcheol #jeonghan #joshua #junhui #soonyoung #wonwoo #jihoon #seokmin #mingyu #minghao #seungkwan #hansol #chan #THIS IS TOO LONG

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