#so everyone I work with is very serious about autistic accommodations

[russilton]

Despite how stressed I am about it, I like that my new job specifically hired me for my autism (it’s relevant to the role) so when they ask my availability I get to say “I’d rather not work Friday/Saturday/ Sunday because the F1 is on” and everyone just nods like oh yeah of course no problem

Oh also I have a job now, everyone clap.

#I can’t disclose what bc it’s not a massive program and I don’t want to dox myself #but I’m being hired as an an autistic person to talk about being autistic #so everyone I work with is very serious about autistic accommodations #which is really nice #still shitting myself #baby steps #mark rambles #I’m mostly only saying this so if I’m offline for a while no one assumes I’ve died

[creativeusernamerighthere]

more will solace hcs

he’s deaf in one ear and hard of hearing in the other so he uses hearing aids

people started wanting to learn asl to accommodate him and he ended up teaching a class for those interested. almost everyone at camp goes

hes an outgoing introvert: he loves being around people but sometimes he needs to recharge by himself

he has autism spectrum disorder, undiagnosed until he gets to camp and one of his older siblings tells him he might be autistic. they send him to chiron and they were right, though he still doesn’t have a diagnosis in the mortal world

hes pretty good at masking but during his time at camp has gotten better at being ok with not having his mask up

he does the flappy hands stimming when he’s excited and he’ll jump up and down but only in front of people he trusts

otherwise for stimming he fingerspells (basically spelling out words in asl) either the alphabet or a long word that he hears, and he fidgets with his jewelry. he likes beaded jewelry like his camp necklace for this purpose

he wears tons of elastic beaded bracelets, like covering half his forearms, so he can play with them but also because he likes all the different colors and patterns. elastic specifically so he can easily push them up or take them off for when he needs to heal people

he doesn’t like healing bc it means people are hurt. yes he’s glad that he can help, but he would much prefer he didn’t have to be a healer at all

along those lines, he wants to be a tattoo artist when he grows up. he’s ok with being a doctor bc he thinks that’s what he’s supposed to do (eldest child syndrome and being raised as a healer). he’d feel guilty for not helping as many people as possible if he didn’t become a doctor, but especially after all the wars, he’d much rather just be doing art, especially tattoos bc he can make them heal quicker. working as a doctor will be taxing on his mental health as an adult

on that note, i think he’ll go to med school, drop out after a couple semesters and start his work as a tattoo artist after realizing just how bad his mental health can get from healing (the trauma of all the injuries and deaths he has seen is too much, especially since when they’re covering a type of injury in his med school classes, often times he associates a friend with said injury)

he could never decide on a favorite color as a kid, but now if you ask him it’s sunset orange and twilight

he was obsessed with yu gi oh or pokemon or magic the gathering when he was younger

he wasn’t into warrior cats but all the other kids at camp were. he didn’t often interact with annabeth bc she was a cool older kid, but during his first school year at camp, the year before percy got to camp, she begged him to be their medicine cat

he listens to audiobooks. especially when doing arts and crafts or doing menial tasks

he (and a lot of battle of manhattan vets) has trauma and flashbacks from the song staying alive

unironically listens to country music, everyone makes fun of him for it

also secretly loves taylor swift

definitely listens to a lot of classic rock too

he and leo tried dating once, went on a singular date and decided that was that. they didn’t actually like each other, it was really just peer pressure

definitely in the same school year as that, but whether it was before or after is up for grabs (im leaning towards after), he dated connor stoll. it wasn’t very serious and they both knew that, so no hard feelings when they broke up, they kept being close friends. both have physical touch as a huge love language, so you could always find them with their arms around each other. while will and nico probably do a lot of casual touches that are less noticeable like a hand on the others knee, connor and will are both big personalities and so they were all over each other. talk about pda. the amount of times their friends and siblings found them making out wasn’t even funny, not to mention they were always sitting on each others laps and hugging each other from behind, etc

they broke up after two or three months when they both decided they needed to focus more on the war with the romans and on spending all their time with their siblings and friends, just in case

the apollo cabin runs a tattoo parlor (under the radar). it’s been running for who knows how long, at least decades, a secret that each head counselor passes down to the next generation before they go off to college. now will runs it, as the lead healer of the cabin. this was his first exposure to tattoos and what led him to his aforementioned dream of being a tattoo artist

speaking of tattoos, after getting the sun on his chest and realizing it didn’t hurt too bad, he let his siblings experiment on him. he doesn’t mind having a couple of small tattoos in odd places, so long as he agrees to the design beforehand. so what if he has a ghost on one wrist and a frog on the other? it’s cute, he likes it, but he never would have thought of it if he didn’t give his siblings some creative freedom

he loves doodling and drawing. no painting or any other media than pencil, charcoal, or one color pen, but he does some awesome drawings

#will solace #percy jackson #percy jackon and the olympians #nico di angelo #connor stoll #heroes of olympus #leo valdez #tattoos #cabin 7 #trials of apollo #pjo series #pjo fandom #pjo hoo toa #headcanon

[lemon-box]

My ideal scooby doo gang dynamic and their respective guiding personality traits:

Fred: AUTISTIC HIMBO WITH PARENTAL ISSUES & A SPECIAL INTEREST IN TRAPS! Pretty obvious, I basically think the mystery inc version of Fred is the most perfect one, minus the obsessive behavior he had towards Daphne in early season 2… I don’t think enough people talk about that side of MI Fred? It was honestly pretty uncomfortable, I think we could write it differently while still keeping the “I have abandonment/attachment issues w my girlfriend and it’s impacting us both” message. Either way, Fred is the himbo leader who owns the mystery machine, loves his friends, is reliable, and serves as comedic relief as well. He’s interested in mysteries because they’re the best way to make use of his traps & test out new ones.

Daphne: Daphne needs to be the one with social skills. That’s the one thing she has that the others don’t: she can network, has connections, and can use her parents’ infinite pool of money to just make any accommodations happen? Despite that she’s still very sweet, considerate, and one of the main 3 clue finders (them being Daphne, Shaggy, and Scooby). I don’t really mind her being in love with Fred or Velma (sorry Shaphne shippers), but I don’t think love interests should be necessary for any of the characters. In one of Daphne’s character profiles released in 1999, it stated that her life ambition is to become a mystery novel author. AND I ABSOLUTELY ADORE THAT I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!! That is such an easy yet clever way to not only give her more depth as a character but curiosity & motivation for these dangerous situations as well, I think it’s such a shame that no scooby doo media that I’ve seen has utilized that for her :(. Daphne is a people person, is resourceful, athletic, and the resident fashion expert. She’s interested in mysteries because they help & inspire her with her writing.

Velma: Velma is the dork nerd with a tumblr blog on mysteries/unsolved cases and is an absolute academic weapon. You KNOW she took AP chemistry in freshman year and got at least a 4 on the exam. She’s super smart, confident, her only hobbies are studying and solving mysteries, and I think she has the least social skills out of everyone which makes it a really fun dynamic with Daphne! She’s very observant, serious, and despite how hard it is for her to show affection, she really loves her friends, they’re her found family after all. I don’t really like iterations of Velma where she thinks everyone around her is an idiot and it feels like she actually hates the gang. If we can portray her as a teen with trouble showing affection instead of a teen who actually doesn’t feel it, I think the anger issues she had in MI could work really well. Velma is a nerd with sass, biggest believer in ghosts/monsters, walking encyclopedia, and dependent on her friends to get through when she can’t find a solution. She’s interested in mysteries because she is a naturally curious person who’s hungry for knowledge and for a chance to study the supernatural.

Shaggy (and scooby): Shaggy is the anxiety ridden, emotion driven anchor of the group. Yet despite his overwhelming feelings he’s the one who keeps everyone grounded. Everyone else gets so carried away with investigations, clues, and their ambition that they forget where the line is sometimes. But Shaggy is unaffected by that, at the end of the day he seeks security and safety, and he can remind everyone to stop and consider new perspectives. That makes him great at finding clues, him and scooby are always looking where the others aren’t, especially using scoob’s sense of smell and shaggy’s sense of taste. In the 2020 scoob movie they described them as the heart of the group, and in one scene daphne said “with shaggy and scooby gone there was no one to remind us to eat lunch…” AND THAT’S EXACTLY IT. THEY’RE COMEDIC RELIEF, THEY BRING EVERYONE TOGETHER, AND THEYRE GOOD AT FINDING CLUES. I also love iterations of Shaggy where he’s a chef. It’s not his lifelong passion, but he loves food so he loves making it, both for himself and everyone else. He believes food tastes better when shared with others. Shaggy is interested in mysteries because despite the dangerous situations, he feels emotionally safe around his friends, and he also likes traveling if it means he gets to add more food profiles to his palette! Solving mysteries allows him to grow not only as a person, but grow out of his very sheltered life which left him rather naive about the world, but he doesn’t know that yet :) thats where the character development comes in.

Short Scooby part: Along with Shaggy Scooby is a big part of the heart. He’s basically everyone’s emotional support dog, especially shaggy’s, and as a dog he can’t help but go where his weird nose takes him. He brings everyone together, is loyal to his empathy, and he’s interested in mysteries because he’s just happy to be around his friends. I think MI gave him a much bigger and more important role than scooby has ever had before, and frankly I think that’s an excellent use of his character, he makes for a great plot device, I need writers to utilize that.

#i think scooby doo is a special interest of mine- #i know the scooby doo revival has passed since velma hbo is no longer relevant #but i am literally always thinking about scooby doo #scooby doo mystery incorporated #scooby doo #mystery incorporated #fred jones #daphne blake #velma #shaggy #scooby

[eulalielatibule]

Let Your Heart be Light

Pairing: Andy Barber x Fem!Autistic!Reader

Word Count: 1,650

Summary: At the annual office holiday party, your boss gives you a surprise.

Warnings: CEO AU, assistant/boss relationship, Andy is a sweetheart very mild smut (kissing, dry humping, cockwarming, p in v intercourse, reader on top, touching over clothes, unprotected sex) fluff, language, kinda innocent reader? I guess? Only people 18 and over should read this fic, if minors interact with this post they will be blocked.

A/N: Thank you to @navybrat817-shares @stargazingfangirl18 and @drabblewithfrannybarnes for hosting the Happy Hoelidays challenge!! It was so nice getting back into writing with this piece. My perfect Hoeliday treat was Andy Barber, CEO AU, attending a holiday party, and Person A: "::gasps:: (character name) it's beautiful!" Person B: "::staring at person a:: I know it is..."

🤍🦌🎄🦌🤍

The annual office holiday party was going great. You were there with a friend, Annie. She worked at the front desk and always chatted with you at lunch. You, you were the personal assistant to the CEO of Driver's Advantage Insurance- or DA Insurance- Andy Barber.

He was the nicest boss you had ever had. It was hard for you to find jobs that were one; accommodating and two; not over stimulating. You got the job after a friend of your mom's told her about the job listing online, figured you'd be good for the part. You were always the person that followed directions to a T and were well organized, after all.

Andy was not only understanding of your situation, but he was patient with you and truly gave you an environment where you could succeed; and you couldn't be more grateful for your boss, your friend.

After a while you had to excuse yourself from Annie and go outside. While you were enjoying the party, as it got more crowded with guests you were finding it difficult to handle. As you stepped into the cold winter air, you spotted Andy talking to one of the other workers, Neal Loguidice. You smiled to yourself, knowing just how much Andy couldn't stand Neal and how much he probably wanted to get away from him. He was a good worker though, and disliking the guy wasn't enough to make Andy fire him. When he spotted you, he immediately smiled and excused himself from Neal.

"Hey," he spoke your name and gently touched your arm. "You look beautiful. How are you liking the party?" You couldn't help the warming of your cheeks at Andy's compliment; you always found him attractive but held your feelings back, knowing that it was frowned upon to date employees, let alone bosses.

"Hi, thank you. Yeah I am, just had to get some fresh air. Lots of people in there." He nodded in understanding and smiled gently.

"I'm doing the same thing. Bad thing about being the CEO is that everyone expects you to mingle." He smiled at your little giggle of sympathy, then he tilted his head and raised an eyebrow mischievously. "Why don't I show you something real quick?" You mirrored him, tilting your head and squinting your eyes suspiciously, teasingly.

"And what are you planning on showing me?" You knew him well enough to know that he was being playful with you, it was always a treat to see him outside of his usually serious demeanor. With a chuckle he motioned for you to follow him.

"It's a surprise."

🤍🦌🎄🦌🤍

Andy took you to one of the many meeting rooms in the building, and you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

"Why are we here?" He simply smiled and opened the door to the room, and you couldn't help the little gleeful sound that left your mouth.

"I had some people help me out with this, I wanted to create a room where you could get away. Do you like it?" Said room was decorated to be your own personal sensory heaven. The lights were dimmed and on the couch were many pillows of varying textures, a weighted blanket, and even a cute little weighted bear toy. There were other fidget toys around as well, and a lamp for if you wanted a little more light. He also had a little station where you could set up your phone if you wanted to play some music or any other white noise. "I figured now would be the perfect time to show you. Think of it as an early Christmas gift."

"Andy, it's beautiful!" Overcome with happiness, you bounced on the balls of your feet before going over to the couch and getting lost in the feeling of the soft pillows.

You didn't notice the way Andy watched you with soft fondness in his eyes and tender affection in his heart.

"I know it is…"

🤍🦌🎄🦌🤍

The two of you hung out in your new sensory room for a while, listened to music and just chatted and enjoyed each other's company. After a while, though, you decided you had enough of the party and Andy offered to take you home. You let Annie know and got in the black Audi, letting Andy drive you.

When you got to your house, he walked you to your door and stuck his hands in his pockets.

"Here we are. Did you have fun tonight?" You nodded, smiling in disbelief.

"I still can't believe you made a room where I can hide away. It's so nice of you."

"Well, you deserve it, sweetheart. I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes," he chuckled, "but you're always so good to me. I want to take care of you."

That made your heart flutter, and your cheeks heated from something more than just the cold weather. You watched him for a moment, eyes darting from his face to his chest as you blurted out,

"Andy, I like you. A lot." This seemed to surprise him just as much as it did you- you weren't planning on just blurting that out. You panicked, worried that you crossed the boundary and just as you began to scold yourself in your head, he finally smiled and replied.

"You have no idea how happy that makes me to hear, honey. I like you a lot too."

"Do you- Do you like me, though? I mean, I like you more than a friend." You felt the need to clarify, making your boss laugh with fondness. You had a hard time believing someone like Andy would see someone like you as anything more than a friend.

"Yes, I like you the same way. I have for a while, in fact."

"Oh." You bit your lip in thought, eyebrows furrowed as you started to worry about what this would mean, if you would even be able to have anything more than a platonic bond with him. As if he could read your thoughts, he spoke your name, breaking you from your rumination.

"It's okay, I don't want to put you into an uncomfortable position. If you want to pursue this we can, but if you'd rather we stay friends that's alright too. I won't hold any grudges towards you either way. I care about you."

That made you smile. You reached for his hand and made brief eye contact with him before glancing down at your hands.

"I want to try." You paused for a brief moment before looking up at him again. "Can I kiss you?"

His smile seemed to get bigger- if that were possible- and once he nodded his consent you bridged the gap between you two and pressed your lips against his. It was a gentle kiss, sweet, and it made your heart flutter with happiness. His beard scraped against your face but you didn't even mind; you were kissing Andy and that's all that mattered.

🤍🦌🎄🦌🤍

What started as a kiss somehow turned into more. Not that you minded. You ended up in your living room, Andy sitting on the couch and you sitting on his lap facing him. Your hands rested on his shoulders and you slowly ground against him. He groaned into the kiss and placed his hands on your hips, carefully guiding you over his erection.

"Are you liking this, honey? You're making me feel so good." You whimpered a little as your clothed clit hit against the rough fabric of his jeans. Pulling away from the kiss, you tucked your head into his neck and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm liking it. Shit, I want more." Andy ran his hand up and down your back in a soothing way, making you relax against him.

"So do I; Why don't you take the lead? Do you wanna do that?" You smiled against his neck and placed a small kiss there. You sat up and met his eyes briefly and nodded again. He pulled you in for a quick kiss before letting you unzip his pants. You stood up so he could free himself, and you slid your panties off and tossed them off to the side- thank goodness you decided to wear a dress instead of pants.

You opted to keep your dress on, not liking the idea of too much skin to skin contact. Andy didn't question it, much to your relief, and you slowly lowered yourself onto the blunt head of him. The both of you hissed at the feeling of each other, and once you were seated you bit your lip as you started to think.

"Are you okay? Does it hurt?" Andy was quick to ask, and you shook your head.

"I'm fine, just… I kind of just like this. What do they call it? Cockwarming? I- I just want to do this please. Maybe more later, I don't know." You were embarrassed, worried that Andy would be mad.

"That's alright, we can just do this. You feel so good around me, can't complain." He winked and you laughed softly. "Don't be nervous, we can take this as slow as you need. I promise." You hummed and leaned in to kiss him again.

"You feel good too. And thank you, for everything. You're so amazing." The two of you kissed some more, felt each other up over your clothes. It all felt incredible, your body buzzing with arousal and soon you were riding Andy into oblivion, his thumb working your clit over until you were cumming and clamping down onto his cock.

Andy pulled out of you, set you next to him and jerked himself until he came as well. The two of you sat there for a moment, letting yourselves come down from your high.

That night Andy spent the night, and the next day he took you out on the first of many dates.

#happyhoelidays2021 #autistic!reader #andy barber x reader #andy barber fluff #andy barber smut

[sundropglass]

1, 12 & 26? 💜

Hi blue!!!thank u <3

1. Do you have an inner world? If yes, is it something you consciously made? What is your inner world like?

we do! its consciously made. When I was young I figured out that since I'd never have a home to feel secure in, I can make a safe place in my brain to come home to.

It's based loosely on a valley I saw in the Rocky Mountains once, wide and expansive, but mountains on all sides keep in in a sort of landlocked bubble? It's all flowers in the middle(we call it the flower meadow)! there's a forest with tall, dark trees behind the Cottage. (The Cottage is where we all live, and its more like the size of a church than a cottage. there are no front doors, only back doors in various places)

there's a little stream, and a greenhouse tunnel from the forest to the cottage, and a windmill that's a work-in-progress. It was a suggestion from my fiance to have something we can look out for parts with, like a high-up place to look from. I might integrate that into a tower addon to Mr. h's room, actually..

There's only one place I didn't purposefully make in the cottage, but I guess it helps to have a visualization of what trauma stuff looks like

12. Do you have any other identities that make your experience with your dissociative disorder different, such as neurodivergency, other disorders, or gender/racial identities?

Not from what I know? I'm autistic, but so are a lot of my other dissociative friends

I have no sense of identity, that's the disorder oTL

26. When would you tell someone you have a dissociative disorder? How do you explain your DID/OSDD?

rlly, rlly long and full of shame response!!!!!!

eugh, shamefully, it is not a well kept secret and nearly all my friends who are close enough technically Know. My Symptoms are a pretty serious and overt problem. I cannot understate enough how I do Not have anywhere at all to go or be thats not around my family IRL, even nowadays, so I don't have that social masking a lot of people do(IRL at least). Blatantly put, I'm disabled by my DID and I need accommodation most the time(for at least my PTSD symptoms...ohhh the shame shame shame!!!) so my fiance and I just have the agreement that if I'm going to be around someone very closely for an extended period of time, he can explain for me.(he doesn't mind) I don't like being there for that(shame shame shameeee) but I trust he explains the bare minimum to get the point across (Probably something like "she has pretty severe PTSD and can easily have a weird episode" or something like that)

ANYWAY, when its on my own its probably for someone else's sake most the time (like helping my sibling's partner understand my sibling's fragmentation with my own examples, ect ect) so I actually have an impersonal explanation that goes like this:

"everyone has parts! the you at work, the you in a social situation, ect. My parts are separated by dissociation and amnesia from childhood trauma"

Depending on the situation I might elaborate more on my personal experience or on what I'd read about the disorder. I usually feel very shut off from it, so when I get the 'o no im sorry u went thru that', I get confused like ???? No, I am Telling You Something, shut up (all the autistic emphasis on Telling, not sharing. I am Telling, there is not an emotion behind this and I'm not looking for a response!!!!!!)

I try to keep it to the bare minimum or to not say at all, but when it comes to hindering my relationship and I can't shrug it off, I usually at least explain the chronic time loss thing, and as much as I try to work around it, I'll keep slipping up for small things and I need some extra patience, I'm sorry

im sorry this is so long!!! I'm really ashamed that people Know. this is not a come-out-to-everyone situation for everybun ofc, just...I did the hiding it thing and it wasnt enough to cover the 'bunny what the fuck is wrong with you' thing, and I just don't care anymore. It turns out when I was more honest with the people I love and needed accommodation for, suddenly I had a strong support system who understand me more. And the people who have hurt me by knowing about my DID are weighed out by the people who love and protect me

#it has been a huuuuge relief that i dont have to do the whole 'sorry im like this' thing w yall because no matter how obvious i am u Get it #bleh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 #ask things #dee eye dee asks

[blackswallowtailbutterfly]

Why is autism so undiagnosed in girls/women? I had to wait until I was 11/12 and my fav youtuber was at 16 and thats considered early for a girl, and yet boys get the diagnosis at 2 - 3 (sometimes in babyhood) usually?

Remember that autism is a spectrum and comes in different levels, so more boys being diagnosed has at least some biological basis. They just have it more often. But with that said, yes, absolutely, there are many women and girls with ASD level 1/Aspergers/whatever they're calling it now who are undiagnosed, and that's mainly put down to women simply passing better.

It doesn't mean they don't experience a lot of difficulties but as long as they're able to keep most of it hidden so all that most people see is "quirky" or "cute" they don't get any help with it. They don't get referrals, they don't get taken seriously if they try to bring it up the possibility. So they can be sitting in a whole mess at home where certain things that need to be done don't get done, which can have serious consequences for them later, but day-to-day they're maybe "a little weird" but normal enough so it's not considered a problem.

ASD 1 women are resistant to feminine socialization, but not completely immune to it, and the one that gets through to a lot of them is "it's easier to do things the way everyone wants you to". So if they have issues with volume control, maybe they just won't talk a lot, or they'll choose too quiet over too loud. If they have areas of special interest they want to go on and on about, they'll wait till they get home and spend all their time on it there. If they have sensory issues they'll get really good at dissociating until the unpleasant stimulus stops (zoning out). They'll stim in more socially acceptable ways like rubbing their fingers or tapping a foot even if their natural inclination is to rock or flap hands. If they don't get the joke, because autistic people tend to be very literal, they'll imitate other people's reactions. So because ASD 1 women aren't a problem for other people, they get ignored.

There's also the issue that getting a diagnosis can compromise her when it comes to certain rights and insurance, etc.. So a doctor who thinks she functions well enough without a diagnosis may just think it's better for her not to get diagnosed and so retain all her rights and freedoms. No real win there because of course without the diagnosis she won't be given certain accommodations at school or work that could really help her, so she has to suffer in silence.

Anyway, men don't get the kind of socialization that women do so ASD 1 men don't absorb that and learn to pass. They feel more free to be themselves and so get noticed much more quickly because they're more likely to act out when frustrated than to withdraw. It causes problems for other people so it gets addressed.

#autism #autistic women #autism diagnosis #female socialization #ableism #sexism

[punksarahreese]

Coming Out | Sarah Reese

Prompt #1 from Nova’s pride 2021 list

Word count: 2224

***

Sarah always felt like maybe she just wasn’t right. There must be something wrong because she never seemed to fit in. With her absent mother and her father who left as soon as he had the chance, she somehow felt alienated in her own home. Back in public school she never had many friends and always spent her free time with her nose in a book. Popular girls turned their nose up at her comfy clothes and unruly curls, claiming she didn’t put enough effort into her look. As she grew up, her social skills never really felt like they improved, instead Sarah would just mirror the actions of those around her in hopes that they would accept it. Yet she still went through high school being called a freak and being called out for “copying” everyone. It never made sense to Sarah, how people could make friends and converse so easily. She felt like she would sound so cliche whenever she thought about it, stating that she never fit in with the other girls, but it was true.

Sarah knew about her bisexuality from a young age, that was no secret to her. She read the term in a mental health book of all places, while she was hidden in a nook of the middle school library. It was common sense to her, of course she liked more than one gender; who didn’t? She would come to learn that sexuality was a bit more complex than that, though it would take a bit more research. It felt so black and white in Sarah’s mind but a lot of people didn’t agree with it, so she let her sexuality remain a secret for a while.

Still, she had her fair share of crushes on girls and boys in almost every stage of her life. One casual girlfriend in her undergraduate program was still the only real experience Sarah had though; until Joey at least. Neither relationship went very far, either due to Sarah’s confusion with all things social or the lack of spark there. She was so busy with school and work, and her partners in both situations just didn’t feel a connection after some time. Joey was an odd one in particular and Sarah wasn’t sure if it had been more of a him thing or her inexperience that ended it. It was weird and the end didn’t hurt as much as it maybe should have.

Her autism diagnosis was not a shock to her, though it had been to her mom. The week of her 16th birthday, Sarah had made a doctor's appointment and asked to be screened. It was the first time she could make medical decisions on her own and she wanted to know already, even though deep down she had a logical hunch. Years of research and even self-screening through countless medical journals had told Sarah she was probably autistic, so she wasn’t too surprised when she got an official diagnosis less than two years later. It was sensical to her really, the way she thought and felt and acted was so different to everyone else, and an actual label made her feel so seen. This was part of why she didn’t fit in, it wasn’t her fault it was the inaccessibility of normal life that made things so much harder. Her mother didn’t agree, she hated the idea of having a neurodivergent daughter; though she would never say it. Instead any mention of autism was ignored and Sarah’s needs were not accommodated until the day she moved out. It was how life at home had always been, as unfortunate as it happened to be.

There was something else Sarah should have seen coming, with her knowledge that she wasn’t the same as everyone else. Autism often came with a disconnect between the definition of gender and one’s identity and Sarah was no exception, since social constructs almost always went over Sarah’s head. She never felt right calling herself a girl and her brain always had a half second protest whenever she ticked the “female” box on any form. Still, she tried not to think about it too much. She didn’t feel like a boy either, she knew that for certain, so that was that.

It was, in fact, not that. As she got older and the internet queer community expanded, Sarah was exposed to more research and experiences of others in her shoes. Genders outside the binary existed, it was made clear to her, and pronouns were not restricted to those assigned at birth. It was a whole new realm of possibility and it scared Sarah more than she was happy to admit. She wasn’t a girl and she knew it, yet she also wasn’t not a girl. It was so confusing, which is why the thought was almost always pushed to the back of the mind, hidden away to worry about another day.

Curiosity got the better of her one day, though, after reading a forum about neopronouns. Someone was talking about their experience using she/they pronouns, stating that it helped them relate to her identity way more than birth assigned pronouns ever had alone. The poster had noted that they always felt detached from femininity and it was almost as if they were culturally female yet mentally out of the binary. It was that comparison that clicked with Sarah and she couldn’t stop herself from testing the theory.

“Sarah uses she/they pronouns,” she stated tentatively, “Their name is Sarah and she uses she/they pronouns…”

The instant gratification shocked her a bit, unsure of why it felt so right to say such a sentence. A few minutes passed as she sat in silence in front of the laptop, mulling it over. Something about the dual pronouns felt freeing, the idea of not being bound to just the ones she was so used to using. Maybe it would be okay to try them out for a while… just to see if it stuck and still felt as validating as it did alone in her living room.

Telling someone was the next step, though, to see if they were actually comfortable with these pronouns being used about her. Sarah was apprehensive, it would be scary to ask someone to use something different, especially after all these years at Med. Still, she had no reason to fear her friends and colleagues, they should be able to accept Sarah’s wishes.

It took a couple weeks before they were ready to bring it up, after a lot more self reflection and some serious deliberation. She thought this felt right, using new pronouns like this. They weren’t too sure if non-binary was the right label for her, but it didn’t matter in that moment. One step at a time was enough and really there was all the time in the world. So one day while a group of them were at April’s apartment for dinner, Sarah decided to speak up during a lull in conversation.

“Um… Can I ask you all something?”

Eyes were on them in a second, with a chorus of nods and agreement following almost immediately. She trusted everyone there, it was only April, Noah, Natalie, and Connor. Connor had brought Doctor Bekker too but Ava had always been nice enough to Sarah so she wasn’t worried. Besides, the rumour was that Ava wasn’t straight, if Sarah chose to listen to gossip, so she of all people should understand.

“What’s up, Sarah?”

Smiling shyly at Noah, who had looked at her curiously when he spoke, they nodded slowly before starting, “Uh… well I have done a lot of thinking lately… I want to try using she/they pronouns. So I want to ask you all to use both sets of pronouns for me.”

The silence scared her at first, instant regret setting in. Sarah wasn’t sure if that was bad or not, especially with the confusion on Nat’s face. Surprisingly enough it was Ava who broke the silence and Sarah caught the sharp nudge to Connor’s ribs that the surgeon gave before speaking.

“Okay, will do. Thank you for trusting us with that, Sarah, especially me since I know we don’t speak often.”

It was the nonchalant words from the blonde that helped them relax a bit, looking at Ava in silent thanks. She glanced at the rest of them shyly, hoping the worry knitting her brow together wasn’t too apparent.

“Um,” Natalie’s interjection was the most feared, though Sarah hated to admit it. It’s not that Nat couldn’t be trusted, she was just a little new to things out of the cisgendered-heteronormative binary and it made Sarah worried she wouldn’t be immediately accepting.

“What exactly does that mean?”

Sarah stifled a sigh of relief, an explanation was understandable and not the worst answer, “So basically I am comfortable with both she/her pronouns like you use but also they/them pronouns in the singular sense. With me you can use them interchangeably, I just like both as opposed to just she/her. I don’t... completely identify as female, I guess you could say.”

“Oh!” Noah nodded, “Like ‘Sarah said she was going to the lab, they will be back soon’?”

Sarah smiled at his excitement to understand, “Exactly like that.”

“It might be hard to adjust at first…”

“But we will still try,” April added to Natalie’s words with a pointed look, “Thank you for telling us, Sarah. We will do whatever you need to feel comfortable.”

“Reese?” When Sarah looked across the table at Connor he continued, “These two sets of pronouns, do you want us to use both at the hospital or just the ones everyone knows you as?”

“Oh yeah,” Ava agreed, “Don’t want to out the resident before they’re comfortable.”

Hearing someone else use “they” while referring to Sarah made them inexplicably happy, unable to stop the little happy hand flap she often tried to mask as she looked at Ava again. The surgeon seemed to notice the grateful glance and she nodded, a charming smile on her lips. Somehow it helped that Ava wasn’t close to her, maybe because her quick acceptance made the whole situation feel safer.

“Um, maybe just keep it between all of us at first,” Sarah answered slowly, “I’m gonna tell Maggie and Doctor Charles eventually, Ethan and Will too, but I want to give it some time before everyone else knows.”

“Got it,” Connor agreed and raised the glass of whatever alcohol he had brought with him, “Cheers to Reese’s self discovery, then.”

That made quite a few of them laugh, especially Sarah, because it eased the tension. It was still a bit weird for them, she knew that it would be an adjustment, yet no one had stormed out or gotten upset so it was a win in their book. It might take some more explanation for some time and some gentle correction, from what she knew, but it was a good start. When the conversation drifted back to lighter matters, talk of work and jokes about other things, it felt like a weight had been lifted off Sarah’s shoulders. It wasn’t perfect but they felt accepted for the most part, which helped.

When April hugged them before everyone left for home, Sarah just thanked her quietly. It went without saying that arguably her closest work friend accepted them wholeheartedly and they would probably talk about it again one on one. April just hugged Sarah a bit tighter, a reassuring murmur that things would be just fine reaching Sarah’s ears.

It was a clear night when they stepped out of the apartment complex, stopping to admire the stars for a moment before heading to her car. A call of her name had Sarah turning, though, and a familiar blonde was hurrying to catch up with her.

“Sarah, hey,” Ava’s friendly smile was visible thanks to the street lights, “I just wanted to tell you I’m proud of you for doing that. I don’t know if anyone has said it to you but I know how hard coming out can be, even as an adult. If you ever need to talk to anyone, I’m around, okay?”

“I-” Sarah felt her cheeks redden a little and they were grateful for the dim lighting that may have hid it a bit, “Thank you, doctor Bekker, that means a lot.”

“Please, call me Ava,” she laughed a little before glancing behind them, “I need to drive Connor home before he tries to walk, I’ll see you at work maybe?”

Sarah pursed their lips, stifling a laugh herself as she watched the other surgeon, clearly more than tipsy, hovering behind them looking lost, “See you then.”

“We can maybe get coffee some day,” Ava added nonchalantly as she turned to walk away, “Bye, Sarah.”

Sarah was left hovering by her car, the blush having returned to settle on her face. Once again their social skills evaded them, wondering if that was an allusion to a date or if Ava was simply being friendly. Either way, the immediate acceptance and friendly gesture from the supposedly cold and competitive surgeon was enough to make her giddy, shocked with how easily things went over. Not only did Sarah successfully come out to half her friends, but they may have made a new one in the process. It wouldn’t always be easy, she knew that, yet this was a situation that they decided to count as a good experience; all things considered.

It made her feel like maybe there had never been anything wrong with them at all. They were Sarah, that’s all, and in that moment maybe she was more than enough for the right people.

#am i projecting? #i guess we’ll never know #:] #anyway #I wasn’t going to make reesker happen but my little gay brain said it’s pride month #<3 #the pronoun thing was hard because I wanted to use she/they from the start but that would have spoiled the build up #i hope i did this justice #she/they sarah rights babey #sarah reese #this is so bad and so unedited <3 #but it’s also the most I’ve written in weeks

[lostximagination]

GIVEN that Evan’s gonna be a central character in a story now and not just backstory/au stuff, I’m gonna talk about him for a second!

His mother was a teacher at the London School for Magecraft- teaching water magic for younger students- and his father is a doctor. Evan knew from a pretty young age that he wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps - and they’re both life mages, which most mage doctors are.

At first it was just about idolizing his father (something he very much grows out of. as an adult he’s on kinda cool terms with him, as because he’s not so great at actually treating Evan like an adult), but as he got older he’s like... excessively kind and just wants the best for everyone. He wants to help people. By the time he’s ~12 he’s already decided to pursue the full magic track for a medical education, and then use those skills to work in the non-magical world. Stealthily, of course, to skirt the secrecy laws. He’s in general very mad about the masquerade because a lot of good could be done if they were just allowed to use magic openly.

All he wants to do is help people. 

They moved from London to Seattle because he got into Vincent’s Academy’s Advanced Medic Mage program, which is a program Vincent’s has with the mage hospital in Seattle to have students study directly under doctors starting at 15 and potentially staying there until they finish medical school. It gives hands on experience as well as an expanded education in Life Magic beyond what any regular life mage program would provide, and it’s... also as job as a medical assistant that pays. There’s only a few programs like it in the world (and London isn’t one of them), and Evan got into Vincent’s. So they moved and Evan (and Westley) transferred into Vincent’s. 

I’ve already talked about him meeting Issac and that relationship some but there’s stuff beyond that I haven’t touched on. Like...

See, they broke up because of Issac’s parent’s dying, but the only reason Issac succeeded in pushing Evan away is because Evan wasn’t doing great himself.

His sister had just a few weeks prior come out as trans to him (but not yet anyone else that Evan knew of) and he was very stressed about that, because he had an unpleasant time himself when he came out as gay, something more widely accepted than being trans. And things were already sorta tense with his father, because his father was always lukewarm on Issac (something that caused him to worry EVEN MORE about his sister tbh) and their relationship was very serious. So he was stressed all the time, and living away from home for the first time didn’t help, and he just wasn’t ready.

(none of this is helped by the fact that he’s actually autistic and went undiagnosed so no one (including himself) knows to accommodate anything. he just assumes things are supposed to be hard and that everyone is better than him at it for some reason)

He... uhh tried talking to Issac about it, but they were interrupted by a phone call. Saying that Issac’s mother had died and his father was barely clinging to life. So, uhhhh, that conversation never happened. 

So the stress just built up and up and up and he wasn’t talking about it to anyone. And he never really did. The fact that he and Issac broke up made it even worse, because in general Issac was the only person Evan felt like he could talk to Stateside. Other friends in the US? Do you mean Morgan and Hannah? Issac lifelong friends? Who Evan (mistakenly) felt like he couldn’t talk to after the break up? yeah.

So he was just left with his family and work acquaintances.

As said before, his relationship with his dad is difficult, and he’s tired of his dad trying to make decisions for him. His mother is doting but not controlling (and very aware that his mental health is slipping, and she insists on him getting into therapy, though his first attempt at that went poorly) still, but having just his mother and sister as the only real connections in his life is not good.

Visiting London for a summer with Westley gives him a chance to reconnect with an old friend from before he moved, but it’s been more than five years so it’s not the smoothest reconnection. Also villainy is afoot.

#I'm glad my brain threw this idea at me #Evan and Westley are both great and DESERVE a story of their own #also yeah Evan and Issac have a lot in common. That's why they clicked so well #in the AU where they never break up they obviously DO have that conversation #and ISSAC insists he go to therapy. #also after more conversations. Issac starts to recognize some of the things Evan is saying and is just like #'...babe... have... have you have thought you might be neurodivergent?' #so yeah. alt timeline is just all around happier for everyone.

[adultingautistic]

I have a couple questions... 1.) is it an autism thing to be considered brutally honest? coz i have a serious issue where i can't sugar coat anything when talking to people... i will straight up say whats on my mind even if people consider it rude... also 2.) idk if youd have any tips for this but how do you deal with sensory issues during uni/ school? i dont know what im going to do when i start uni again and not knowing stresses me out the heck out. also HELL YEAH NONBINARY PRIDE

 1.) is it an autism thing to be considered brutally honest? coz i have a serious issue where i can't sugar coat anything when talking to people... i will straight up say whats on my mind even if people consider it rude... 

Y E S.  This is how most autistics communicate.  We don’t understand social nuance, also called “tact” or “sugar coating” or “beating around the bush” or “mincing words” or any other number of phrases that allistics use to describe they’re very indirect, weird way of communicating.  

For autistics, the purpose of communication is to relay information.  I need you to know something, and so I tell you the thing I need you to know, and we’re done.  For allistics, the purpose of communication is to be social.  It’s all about each other’s feelings, perceptions, they pile on a million meanings to the words until it’s barely about the words anymore.  They’re not in it for information, they’re in it for socializing.

So, because autistics just give the “bare bones” of the information, without all the social flourish, we get called “blunt”, “straightfoward”, “to-the-point”, “direct”, and, the cursed “rude”.  I don’t understand rude, or what it is, so you will have to go to someone else to explain that to you.

2.) idk if youd have any tips for this but how do you deal with sensory issues during uni/ school? i dont know what im going to do when i start uni again and not knowing stresses me out the heck out. 

If I knew what your particular sensory issues are, I could give you more specific advice! If you’d like to tell me, please do, I’d be happy to give specific advice based on your sensory needs.

Without knowing that, I’ll just go through all 5 senses:

1) Sight.  If the lights are too bright, wear sunglasses indoors.  Most professors just plain won’t care, but if one gives you trouble, get an accommodation from the school that permits you to wear them.

2) Sound. This is a hard one, because you have to be listening to the professor. I have APD, very badly, so I always sat in the front row in order to be able to hear the professor.  This was also good sensory-wise though, because NOBODY wants to sit in the front row.  So I often had empty seats next to me, so there was nobody’s breathing or gum-chewing or pencil-scraping in my ear, which was very good. 

If you don’t need to sit close to hear the professor, then choose a seat where no one else is sitting.  If you get there early, just hang out in the hall for a bit, play games on your phone, until just before class starts.  Then you can see where everyone else is sitting, and find a seat away from people.

3) Touch. Get the most comfortable clothes you can find.  People don’t care about fashion in college the way they did in high school.  I don’t know about other countries, but a lot of Americans just got to class in their pajamas.  No one cares.  So wear what makes you the most comfortable.  Those clothes can protect you from Bad Textures.  Get a really, really comfy hoodie, and always keep it with you.  

4) Smell/Taste. Bring candy you like.  Always have it with you.  If there’s a Bad Smell, eat it (quietly).  The good taste will block out the bad smell.  I also bring scented hand sanitizers with me everywhere, and I use those, or put a dab under my nose, to block Bad Smells.  It works AMAZING, especially when the person sitting next to you hasn’t showered and has come to class in their pajamas, lol.

 Besides blocking bad sensory input, make sure to add good sensory input!  I always picked school supplies that felt good to touch.  I looooove plastic folders.  Paper folders are blech to me, but plastic ones are yaaaaaaaay.  Buy fun school supplies.  I had a foldy ruler that I stimmed with ALL the time.  Fun pens.  Fun highlighters.  Have ALL THE FUN SUPPLIES.  It makes note-taking so much better.  Buy the notebook with the sparkly cover.  Whatever makes your brain go “yay”.  

Also very good: stimmy toys.  Those spinners are too noticable I wouldn’t bring it, but those clicky cubes are GREAT (don’t use the noisy clicky side though).  Also stress balls that you can squeeze, or just plain rubber bands even. I have a chapstick that I love to touch the outside of, I’ve never actually used it as a chapstick it’s just so soooooft.  Bring items you like to hold in your hand, and hold them in your non-writing hand.  Give your brain something pleasant to focus on.

I hope that gives you some good ideas!  When you start class I’m sure specific situations will pop up and then come ask again!  

also HELL YEAH NONBINARY PRIDE

#social communication #communication difficulties #sensory input #university #college #stim toys #actuallyautistic #actually autistic

[anxiouscritter]

we knew it was coming

TW: Negative self talk, stress, anxiety, loans, university stress, poor parental relationship.

Getting serious for a second guys so buckle up.

I’m a UK student, my mother (who I don’t feel as though i have a good relationship with) urged me to get online banking. This will become relevant later.

As the UK enacts a third national lockdown, university students have been given ���stay put’ orders. Essentially we can’t return to campus or our accommodation unless it’s under a very specific set of circumstances (which is literally a list of 5 vague bullet points). However, we are still expected to pay the full amount not only for our education, which is now held over the internet which can be very unreliable for someone with a crappy broadband plan or shit technology in general (i expect to miss out on the majority of my second term education due to outdated technology and poor internet). But we are also expected to pay fully for our accommodation, which we aren’t allowed to return to. I am expected, in four days time, to pay £2000 OUT OF POCKET --not fake loan money-- for a single room and shared kitchen that I am not permitted to return to.

This is where internet banking comes in. Over the past week I have been putting the steps in place to set up online banking for myself so I can keep track of loan payments, etc, and so I’m not late for paying the extortionate rent for the room I cant use. Of course, In true Ellis style, I mess it up, have a meltdown, two anxiety attacks, and now have to ring a phone number and talk to someone about something?? I don’t even know what I need to call them about? They also didn’t send me a complete set of login details, at least, none that work. 

My PC is currently inside my uni halls flat, and before i came home for Christmas i would do all my work on my PC instead of my laptop. This is because my laptop is almost 12 years old, half the keys no longer work, and it overheats and dies without warning constantly. I am not allowed to return to halls which means I am not allowed to return to pick up my PC (bare in mind I live a 10 minute drive away from my university campus). This whole technological kerfuffle will add to my frustration with the course and make me burnout faster than I did last term.

I think the main thing that is stressing me right now is that i will be online learning from home which did NOT work for me before. Being at home also means i have to mask the majority of the time, not only my autistic traits but my queer and gnc traits also, and i’m not sure how long I can keep that up.

In no way am i suggesting uni be open again, but that costs should be lowered as well as the general standards for work. We aren’t getting the same education as everyone else so why are we being pinned at the same level?

I’m genuinely so over uni now. It’s fucking me up without even starting yet and I just don’t know what to do. If I drop out, which is the glaringly obvious choice for me currently, then I will be forced to remain at home and get bombarded by my mother to get a job, which is essentially impossible for someone with my sensory/social issues (entry jobs are mostly retail or hospitality which do not work for me in the slightest).

I’m so stressed and so tired, I can’t hack it. I’m currently mid-meltdown while writing this. The room i am sat in is 11.5 degrees though i imagine it is more like 9.5, and i don’t want to do anything anymore.

#sad sloth #life update #stress #anxiety #actuallyautistic #im actually crying #meltdown #tired #usersloth

[autisticeducator]

Hi! Do you have students with IEPs in your class/have you in your experience? If you do/have, how do you approach neurodivergent students with IEPs? I am not a professional educator, but I will be soon. I cry over the ways we handle the kids I "support" as a 1:1... Most with developmental delays or whom are autistic. I need to get out of ABA, but want to be an inclusive educator. I need advice. Thank you.

First, I get the joy of working in a district that doesn’t allow ABA (sadly they ship out the kids they feel would “benefit” from ABA to the regional center or private schools [at great cost to taxpayers]). I’m very supportive of parents that wish to incorporate fidget/stim items that are school appropriate into IEPs. This may include:•Quiet stim/fidget items (squish toys, stress balls, etc) that they may have at their desk/table to refocus them every so often. Make sure they understand that they aren’t to play with them through a lesson. They still need to pay attention and do work. For the little ones (PreK-1st grade), I would have them off to the side in an area where they can get them when they need them but aren’t constantly next to them as a distraction. They need time to learn the difference between “this is a toy” and “this is a tool”. •Some parents use essential oils or other natural remedies to help their kids (particularly ADHD since they are trying to avoid the meds). Honestly I’m fine with this (I use them too) as long as the scent isn’t so strong that it bothers kids in the room with respiratory issues like asthma. Usually 1-2 drops on a diffuser necklace or bracelet is strong enough for the student to achieve the desired effect but not strong enough to be smelled by others. Also for my room, it can’t have mint oils since I’m allergic to them. The school may keep trying to push the meds but I personally wouldn’t support that. They can help but they aren’t for everyone and the school shouldn’t be making recommendations unless asked. They aren’t doctors and most aren’t neurodivergent themselves. If you have the space, provide an area in the classroom where they can retreat to if they are getting overwhelmed. This is especially important if they don’t have an aid and can’t walk themselves to guidance/school counselor. This helps avoid getting the office involved because at too many schools, the office is not their friend. Consider all possibilities. If you are doing a painting project and you have a student with sensory issues, check the smoothness of the paintbrush handles (I’m serious, I had one student who couldn’t tolerate any paintbrush that wasn’t perfectly smooth but he didn’t have the word for “smooth” so he kept repeating “soft brush” until I figured out “soft = smooth”). You may have two students with conflicting needs that day where one is super chatty and the other needs quiet. You may need to try to find a middle ground somewhere. That middle ground may look very different based on grade. I could keep going on and on about this topic. Like the importance of incorporating their strengths into lessons where appropriate so they feel included and valued. Making sure that their accommodations are always followed, even by substitutes. That anyone who walks into your room is aware of what your inclusive strategies are and how they are to be followed so in your absence, your students aren’t mistreated (some subs are horrible people who should not be around children).

[random-thought-depository]

I think @adepta-astarte/Purplekitte’s Primarch gender-swap ideas are cool, but I have a different interpretation of what Mara would be like.

I see a lot of autism coding and chronic pain/invisible disability coding in Mortarion. I think this is why I’ve always found him one of the more compelling Primarchs: I think I’m autistic or something and I have persistent low-level physical pain and a self-sacrificing streak, so I find it easy to see him as someone whose outer and inner struggles remind me of my own; he reminds me of the part of myself that once tried to tough out a serious toe infection because I didn’t want my mother to have to pay for my treatment.

I see Mara as very similar to Mortarion, and as very masculine/butch/GNC in ways that are totally tied into her brain-weirdness. She doesn’t object to wearing feminine clothing in principle, but most feminine clothing and associated things (long hair, make-up, jewelry) irritates her sensory sensitivities. She’s very strong and tough and fast, but she’s clumsy with small delicate objects and small finicky movements, so she’s a lot better at the kind of manual labor an agricultural society codes male, and this influenced her early experience of gender a lot. Femininity emphasizes a lot of the human things that are most difficult for her, like being pretty and sociable and good at emotion work. I see Mara experiencing her alienation from femininity as an extension of her alienation from humanity in general.

I see Mara’s early childhood as a lot more gender-neutral than Purplekitte does. I always saw Mortarion’s introversion in terms of ... he was raised by beings that were not human, that did not teach him to be human, he had to learn to be human later, and having learned it so late it never became easy for him. So I see the Barbaran overlords as inhuman beings, who wouldn’t share human things like gender roles, and who’d treat Mara and Mortarion about the same way.

I started writing a fanfic based on these thoughts a while ago, but it probably won’t be ready for posting before next year because I want to finish some other writing projects first. Also, I think I should read more Horus Heresy novels before I finish the fic, I’m mostly going by fandom osmosis at this point. Some other Mara ideas from my unfinished fanfic (a lot of these are just my Mortarion headcanons):

I actually did name her Mara, thanks @adepta-astarte for giving me permission to do that, it was better than any name I could think of.

----

In my mind’s eye Mara looks a lot like @newvagabond but really big (she’s one of the bigger Primarchs, so she’d be bigger than this guy), with the body type of Julie Bell, a kinda sea-creature grey-white complexion, a stronger chin and gold eyes, and a lot of scars (I asked New and she said it was OK to mention this). I think there’s a couple of reasons my brain made that connection, and the spoonie thing is one of them.

----

Mara was badly abused as a child, especially during the early years when the tyrant saw her as a biological curiosity instead of a potentially valuable future minion. Some of the things that were done to her permanently physically damaged her (her inhumanly white appearance is a manifestation of that).

---

Mara has some sensorimotor issues:

- She has unpleasant sensory sensitivities. Everything feels jagged. Sensations scratch, bite, itch, burn, poke, tickle-scratch, are too much. Many things feel bad and few things feel good. Constant low-level pain is the background noise of her life

- She’s fast and graceful by human or even Space Marine standards, but every movement feels like it takes more effort than it should, as if her brain has to shout at her body, as if her limbs are moving through mud, and it’s frustrating. She’s also clumsy with small delicate objects and small finicky movements.

She treats these problems as embarrassing secrets and resists making any concessions to self-care.

She also has the autistic restricted food preference thing, but will eat almost anything anyway; she had to do that as a matter of survival during childhood and she’s exactly the kind of person who’d rather low-key torture herself than ask for accommodation.

----

Mara ran away from the tyrant around 8-10 years old or whatever the Primarch years equivalent is, and was adopted by a human community shortly thereafter. I think that scenario evokes the feel of autistic/ND alienation better than her having run away as an adult.

She had an adoptive mother-figure: an old widow. This woman had an adult non-verbal autistic son who lived with her, and raising such a child gave her experience that was useful in dealing with Mara (knowing how to touch her in a way that didn’t irritate her sensory sensitivities, recognizing when she was feeling overloaded, etc.).

----

Mara is mostly asexual, but she has proto-sexual crushes and proto-sexual sensual attraction. The analogy she thinks of for her own sexuality is a pot that sometimes comes to the verge of boiling but never boils, or a plant that never blooms because the soil it’s in is too stony and sour. She could probably enjoy sex, but she feels no strong desire for it. She’s relieved at being asexual, because she thinks her being celibate makes things simpler for herself and everyone else. She has never had a romantic relationship, and she has never had sex.

The closest thing she’s had to a lover was a girl a few years older than her in her adoptive village, who was her one childhood friend. She and this girl did a proto-sexual “take off our clothes and study each other’s bodies because we’re curious” thing as young teenagers. Later on this girl started training to be a singer/oral storyteller, and Mara had a strong sensual attraction to her voice (in my mind’s ear this girl’s singing sounds like this). This girl picked up that Mara was attracted to her and offered to have sex with her, but Mara wasn’t comfortable with that idea so nothing happened. They might have become lovers eventually but this girl died young from disease.

----

Mara started her rebellion against the overlords when she was a young teenager. When they’d been grooming her to be a minion the tyrant taught her a lot of stuff about weapons, and she taught the Barbaran peasants how to make cross-bows, guns, cannons, greek-fire-like-stuff, bombs etc.. She has a techie-nerdy side, but it often isn’t appreciated.

----

Relationships with other Primarchs (note, I haven’t figured out which other ones I’d gender-swap in this AU):

- Horus is one of the very few living close friends/intimates she has. He’s likely one of the very few people she’s told about her sensorimotor issues. They have a close older-brother/little-sister type relationship.

- She does not get along well with Fulgrim and Ferrus Manus. Given their schtick they strike me as likely to not get along well with a sibling they see as broken or defective. They don’t know the details of her condition, but they have eyes and they’re bright, they see and judge, and she can see them seeing and judging (and hear the occasional snide comment). She has some sensual attraction to how pretty and graceful and perfect Fulgrim is, which makes her resent him more, as she finds being attracted to him humiliating.

- She doesn’t get along with Magnus for the same reason Mortarion doesn’t: the Barbaran overlords were sorcerers, sorcery has bad associations for her, and she knows enough about it to have some idea how dangerous it is.

- Her default opinion of Leman Russ is “charismatic popular guy who finds all the stuff I struggle with easy,” and envy based on that. Going by some interpretations, may be surprised how relatable some of his experiences are to her if they have the right conversation.

- She probably dislikes Purplekitte’s interpretation of gender-swapped Russ for the same reason she dislikes Magnus: she doesn’t like sorcerers. Though I have an extremely vague notion of an enemies-to-friends fic for those two based on finding the mental image of Ljufa trying to teach Mara her weaving-sorcery thing interesting (Mara did textile work as a child but did not like it, especially sowing - her fingers were clumsy and she kept stabbing herself with the needle).

- I think she might have a very interesting relationship with Lorgar. Lorgar is another Primarch I easily read as possibly autistic, though in a way that’s only apparent if you’ve noticed a particular thinking style that I think may be autism-associated but that doesn’t fit common autistic stereotypes. Mara and Lorgar seem to me like kind of symmetrical opposites in terms of their relationships to brain-weirdness, embodiment, Primarchness, and gender (the symmetry isn’t perfect, but then gender is asymmetrical; gender-nonconformity tends to be a lot less accepted in men). I’m not saying I ship these two, but I’m not not saying it.

----

I should do a Primarch autistic headcanons post sometime.

#my writing #warhammer 40k #effortpost #alternate universe #autistic headcanons #spoonie headcanons #child abuse survivor headcanons #genderswap #maybe autistic

[alovethattasteslikestarving-blog]

27.09.2017

So, it’s been radio silence. I haven’t posted anything here, I haven’t written anything in my diary for almost a month, and I’ve neglected my friends [on the net, and in my personal life].

It’s been… a month. But I’m back, maybe not better than ever, but back, and thinking positive thoughts.

[trigger warning for personal account of depression/anxiety, if those themes are upsetting to you I would suggest unfollowing this blog].

When I created this blog I was in a good space, I was considering my goals, making plans for the future, and takings positive steps to achieve those ends. I planned to use the blog as an outlet, a tool with which I could exorcise some of the negativity I brewing in my mind and gut, and channel it into the anonymous abyss of the internet, instead of my material life. I don’t know if that is a good thing to do, but I felt like it was helpful at the time.

It worked! For about two weeks I felt really good, I was eating properly, sleeping [maybe not well, but at the right times], interacting with other people, and going to work on time with a decent attitude.

And then it stopped. Why? I’m not exactly sure, a big part of my mental shit is that is reduces my short term memory, all sense of time becomes an uncertain, fuzzy thing, to be pondered over. When I was a child my memory was clear as crystal, now, thinking about what I did yesterday is like wading through waist-deep mud. Maybe you’ve been there, or maybe your mental shit manifests itself in different ways. I read online that it’s a unique experience for everyone, even despite the fact that so many of us are going through the same things.

What else? I said I would be brutally honest when I started this blog. It holds me accountable. In a few years I want to look back at this post and be glad I’m not in the hole I was in last week and now. So, Ellery of the future, here is a glimpse, and I wish to the universe you’ve improved on it.

Think of your room in the old convent, think of the sandflies and the kingdom of dirty dishes scattered across your carpet around which they revolve. Think of the rancid smell, food rotting, death. Think of the tremor in your voice as you tell your mother that you are ‘doing fine, really good’, think of the ache in your throat and the pit in your gut, think of how your eyes burn with unshed tears, for no reason at all. Look at your calendar on the floor, when you were in a better mood it was full of dates and crossed out ‘to-dos’. You haven’t written in it for a week, and you have three assignments due soon. That burns you, inspires a debilitating concoction of guilt, shame, ambition, and nerves that do nothing to make you move to your desk and begin any of them. Why can’t you stand? Even you don’t know. You have spent three days in this bed, a drooled on island in a sea of waste. The blinds are drawn and your door is locked. If you killed yourself now no one would find you for days. And when they did? A stiff corpse, bloated and blue, a trail of spit or vomit or whatever speckling the lips and chin. 

You won’t do it, if only because your room is messy.

It comes to a head. You wake one Tuesday morning, with three essays due and a shift at work approaching. How can you do it all? You don’t. You prolong the inevitable and the effort, scrolling through drivel on the internet. Lazy. The time for work comes. You put on your uniform, and go back to bed. There is self-loathing, and eventually a panic attack. Has anyone ever looked as pathetic as you do now? Curled up in a pile of your dirty laundry, sobbing wretchedly, silent as you can.

Only two days ago did you receive feedback for an essay you wrote. You were proud of it, which is why you entered it into a competition in the first place. It was about mental illness. It was formal, and non-fiction.

‘Be careful not to glamorise or fetishise’ they said. ‘Make sure you are the right person to write this piece, have you experienced depression, are you depicting it accurately?’

It’s almost funny now. What they said about your essay. But fuck them.

Sometimes my depression has to be a friend. If it weren’t, I would spend the rest of my days living with someone I don’t get along with. And so, self sabotage!!

I do not attend work that day, and I do not call in to notify my manager of my absence. I can’t. Or at least, I feel like I can’t. As for the essays? No. They will not be happening today either. I look at the extension application form, which states that extensions can only be granted in the case of ‘serious circumstances’.

What the hell are they? Is this serious? Or am I a fraud?

I’m not a fraud; who the hell does this to themselves for fun?

In the end I call my mother. She lives far away because of her job, in a desert, but is coming home this weekend to visit my dad and brother. The airport is near my accommodation. She will pick me up. And book a doctors appointment. And help me make a budget. And ‘put your clothes in a bag dear, we can wash them at home’. And I love you.

I am supposed to be more resilient than this. My mother is too kind to me. Loves me too much.

We go home and I sleep in my childhood blankets and hope that I won’t wake up. Which is more passive than suicide, but just like me.

Basically, not such a great time. Not such a bad time. I saw the doctor, and in the end things turned out fine. She wrote me a medical certificate and booked another appointment to sort out drugs. In the past I have been very opposed to going onto any sort of anti-depressant, but I’m at a point now where I will try anything. I used to be very scared about losing my personality, or inhibitions, or even my ability to have an orgasm [which is not as important as my mental health I suppose, but cool I guess]. Other things: people on anti-depressants are more likely to have autistic children [is this true? I will ask the doctor], and weight gain [fuck my entire life].

What else? I went back to work but no one said anything about the shift I missed. I’ve had three since then and nothing. So I’m off the hook? No verbal reprimand? First day back wasn’t so great though. I hadn’t been able to sleep the night before for fear of being fired and when I asked a lady to show me her receipt she got really angry at me because she thought I was accusing her of stealing. In the end there was a huge verbal dressing down, in which she called me the rudest person she had ever met and threatened to speak with the manager. I apologised quickly. I felt too overwhelmed. It had not been my intention at all to ‘hurt her’. I was glad when she left, but she came back ten minutes later to show me her receipt. She interrupted the customer I was serving to thrust it in my face and ask me to apologise to her again.

I did. Profusely. It felt so bad, the things she was saying about me. Every time I tried to explain that it was work-place procedure she became crosser, until eventually I knew the only way to get rid of her was to simply apologise again. I made a fool of myself. But she didn’t go to the manager. So winning, I guess?

Work is fun.

Ellery of the future, how about this? 


You can’t leave your room. Because you are too scared of interacting with the people in your building, which means you can’t use the kitchen or the bathrooms. This is why you only eat crappy, pre-made food that seems to shrivel your guts and put you in a fever [all the sugar, oh god].

And you can’t tell you parents, because they still pay your rent and you don’t want to seem ungrateful. 


[sorry to anyone still reading, who thinks this is bleak, and complaining, I want my future self to be aware of how shit this point was, and never return to it].

I will see the doctor again on Friday. Maybe she will give me something hopeful. 

We will see. Right now I feel better about things, writing it all out like this is helpful.

To anyone experiencing similar things, or who just wants to talk, feel free to message me. If you don’t want to message me, or another internet friend, there are a lot of online resources to help you reach out. When I am doing really badly the BeyondBlue chatroom is pretty helpful, they have trained counsellors who you can message, and often it helps with perspective. Stay safe everyone.

All the love,

Ellery.

#mine #september #2017 #journal #x #depression #anxiety

[thejesciples]

Laziness article.

This article was given to me by a team of youth members. They have a channel called 'A voice in the Desert' please check it out.

Laziness

The Book of Proverbs contains many good quotations about laziness. It compares lazy people to slugs or sloths, presumably because these animals are both very slow in their movements.

It is rare to find anyone who owns up to being lazy, because lazy people have a talent for convincing themselves that they are not lazy. They are almost always full of excuses for their slow progress and lack of production.

"The sluggard is wiser in his own conceits than seven men that can render a reason." Proverbs 26:16

The first symptom of laziness is this inability to even consider the possibility that you may be lazy, and that you may need to change. Until you can consider that possibility, there is little hope of overcoming the problem.

"The slothful person hides his hand in his bosom." Proverbs 26:15

Another fairly measurable trait of laziness is the tendency to be the last one to pull your hands out of your pockets and volunteer assistance when there is a need (or to even see that there is a need for assistance).

Lazy people hide in the shadows on the assumption that, if they wait long enough, someone else will do it. Ask yourself how often you take the initiative in volunteering to help out, in organising a project (or suggesting a new one), in providing a visitor with a cup of coffee, in doing the washing up, in carrying out maintenance on a vehicle, in following up an interested potential, in studying maps for a better understanding of a new area that you are about to visit, in fixing something that needs fixing, in putting a quote on the whiteboard, in writing a general letter, in getting out a few extra tracts, etc.

Lazy people wait to be asked, and even then they have problems with carrying out the request. They "hide their hand in their bosom" rather than lifting their hand and volunteering.

"The slothful person says, 'There is a lion in the streets'." Proverbs 26:13

Even when pushed to act, a lazy person will find excuses for not acting. They see "lions" everywhere, and the lions become excuses for not getting started. "The weather is too hot/cold/wet, etc." "There isn't time to finish it now, so I decided not to start." "I thought someone else was going to do it." "I don't know how to do it." "I don't have enough money." "I've passed it (or some small part of it) over to someone else to deal with, and I'm just waiting on them."

Most of these excuses do not constitute an outright refusal to do the job, but they put off getting started instead. Procrastination, however, very often has the same result that an outright refusal would have, in that the job doesn't get done. It is part of the diabolical "wisdom" of the lazy that they can deny rebellion on the grounds that they had all good intentions of doing the job eventually. But, as the saying goes, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

"As smoke to the eyes, so is the sluggard to them that send him." Proverbs 10:26

Even when you or I succeed in getting a lazy person to start on a job, we can be pretty certain that the job will not be done properly. The least distraction will result in the job being dropped and forgotten. The lazy person will almost always leave loose ends for someone else to finish off, and the standard of work will be minimal.

Lazy people need to be constantly reminded to start (or finish) a job, because they rarely keep a job list. They subconsciously want to forget the job, because most of them think that forgetting is a reasonable excuse.

"As the door turns on its hinges, so does the slothful person turn on his bed." Proverbs 26:14

A lazy person is rarely the first one up in the morning. Usually just the opposite is true. The lazy person sleeps in as long as possible, and is slow to respond even when urged to wake up by others.

And when they do wake up, the sleepy spirit continues to plague lazy people throughout the day. All of the little moments between clearly assigned jobs are taken up with daydreaming rather than active preparation for the next job, or an early start on some other matter that has been included on his or her list of things that need attending to. This tendency to space out and trust others to warn you before any serious harm comes to you (physically or spiritually) is a sign of laziness and irresponsibility.

"The slothful person roasts not that which they took in hunting." Proverbs 12:27

Lazy people do not carry their own weight... much less carry anyone else's. They eat what others have paid for through hard work. In measurable activities (such as getting out tracts), they will compare themselves to the slowest, rather than comparing themselves to the fastest; and in more abstract duties they will often not compare themselves at all. They remain blissfully indifferent to all the jobs that are being attended to by others.

While others make all the plans, do all the business and paperwork, provide all the counsel, prepare all the studies, and cut through all of the red tape without any assistance from the lazy people, when these same people are asked to sweep the floor, they will think (if not actually say it), "Why do I have to sweep the floor? I don't see you sweeping the floor." They become blind to all that everyone else is doing, while resenting any duties that are thrust upon them.

We have found that when we are distributing tracts, lazy people are happy to get enough donations to cover the absolute minimum expenses (in particular, enough to feed themselves), while leaving others to work out how to pay for transport costs, printing costs, accommodation, charitable donations, and other hidden expenses. They don't mind benefiting from the efforts of everyone else, but they feel little or no need to take personal responsibility for all the costs involved.

"The slothful person covets greedily all day long; but the righteous gives and spares not." Proverbs 21:25-26

It is the nature of lazy people to be selfish. They ask what others can do for them rather than asking what they can do for others. We can see here the connection between laziness and greed... the root of all evil. Lazy people convince themselves that they are not greedy because they are not rich. But they are primarily not rich because they are lazy. One does not need to be rich to be "rich in spirit" (or greedy). One who is rich in spirit expects life to be handed to them on a silver platter. They think that the world owes them a living. Rich or poor, if a person is not generous (with their time and energy as well as with their money), that person is the opposite of generous; they are greedy. They are trapped in an autistic tunnel that needs to open up to the needs of others around them.

Well, that is the problem. Some of us are lazier than others, and some of us are lazy in some areas while not being lazy in others. Do not assume that just because you are not totally consumed with laziness that it is not a problem. Remember: Compare yourself with the best workers and not with the worst.

But if we have established that there is a problem, and that it is laziness, what are the answers?

Just confessing the problem will make some difference, in that we can work on changing habits that we justified in the past. However, there are a few other practical tips which may also help.

One tip is to take time to reflect on what it is that you are doing and why you are doing it. Reflect on life and the shortness of life in the light of eternity. This should have the effect of making you want to put your time to better use. (See also Redeem the Time.) After reflecting, you may find that you need to make fundamental changes in the sort of things that you do, so that you are doing those things that you are personally convinced are most important.

When you are sure about what it is that you want to do with your life, it may be easier to get enthused about such things as getting out of bed in the morning. You'll have something to live for, something to feel excited about. It is the aim of this study not to condemn people, but rather to get you inspired and enthused about what you could accomplish if you were not so lethargic. Being inspired can make all the difference in the world.

Another tip has to do with breaking big jobs down into smaller ones. This is especially important when people have huge cosmic goals like "saving the world". We're not going to see total success in our own lifetime, so we must keep ourselves inspired by celebrating little triumphs along the way. In a spiritual sense, we break the big job into a smaller one when we set daily goals for such things as how many tracts we want to get out. We just have to be careful that the smaller goal doesn't cause us to lose sight of the bigger one (which, hopefully, is to reach the world for God). Nevertheless, breaking jobs down into short-term goals can help us to move closer to the big goal if we can make a game out of each little piece of the job.

List the various components of bigger projects, so that you can record your progress as you complete one component and then move on to another one. Where possible, give yourself targets in terms of times and dates, and try to meet those targets. Sometimes it is worth a little celebration when you make certain important goals. The celebration will encourage you with your next goal.

They say that virtue is its own reward, and this is certainly true with most of our efforts to overcome laziness. As we find ourselves making progress, we will become more enthused, and as we become more enthused, we will find ourselves making even more progress. Nothing succeeds like success. But the biggest job is still getting ourselves motivated to make the first step. May God be with you as you get started!