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kookieswan · 2 years

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Red Light - Snake Eyes

Nightmare!Hoseok x Psychologist!Reader

Word Count: 1.3k

Genre: Horror AU, Monster AU, Psychological horror, Angsty this time for sure.

Warnings: Heavy use of profanity, talk of killing for fun. It should be noted that this story will contain themes of horror/psychological horror and also explore obsessive behaviors and codependency. Many characters are morally gray. Please be warned!

Summary: Riding the elevator down to hell so early in the morning, you didn’t expect to be bombarded with questionable news at the gates.

Notes: MC is finally back! I hope you all find this chapter enthralling lol. This takes place nearly a week after ‘The Happiest of Trails’! It will also have a part.2!

This is the 17th part of the Red Light series. Find the Masterlist here ♥️

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“Good morning. We have a new Nightmare for you to meet and look after. Exciting, yes?” Pulling your coffee away form your lips, you stare through the now open elevator with what probably looks like a glare. Williams and Andrews stand in the other side, prim and proper with their lab coats and greasy smiles. It disgusts you. Hoseok had said to avoid them, and you’ve tried, but they just keep showing up like parasites.

Every time you left your office it’s like either Williams or his cronies had to be there too. In the break room, by the bathroom when you walked out, by the elevator when you used it. It didn’t matter, they were there. You haven’t seen Hoseok for days now, and for some reason, you’re nervous about what he’ll speak of at your next appointment. And then it fully registers.

“Excuse me?” A new Nightmare… Now five instead of four, and another patient to worry about. You don’t mind, not really, but it’s being sprung on you without any notice first thing in the morning. You’re starting to see a pattern with your annoyance. Williams gestures for you to step out of the elevator, and so you do so cautiously.

“We got a new Nightmare in last night. He’s… Well, he’s rather mad about being captured. We want you to talk to him.” Rather mad…? Of course he’s mad; you don’t know exactly what they do to capture the Nightmares, but you can’t imagine it’s pleasant. However, it doesn’t sound like the situation will be pleasant for you either.

“You want me to talk to the new Nightmare you just captured who is likely still very unruly and will probably want to kill me.” Not a question, a statement, because you know he does. Williams nods his head as Andrews continues to stare from behind him, not even blinking. You’re starting to wonder if they’re actually human themselves with how odd they are.

“Yes, well, they all likely want to kill you so that sounds about right. It is your job after all.” Something throbs behind your eyes, the thought of slapping the man over the head with your notebook sounding more than pleasing. He takes every chance he can to be a misogynistic pig after all. Pinching your nose, you try very hard not to sound peeved.

“Yes, my job after I’ve prepped accordingly. After if studied the Nightmare and read his files. My guess is that he doesn’t even have a file yet.” You studied all of the other Nightmares files down to the bone, even Seokjin’s, just to make sure you didn’t have a misstep. This new Nightmare is going to be a wildcard and you don’t like that. Not a single bit. Williams just shrugs and turns away, Andrews walking in front of him.

“You’re guess would be correct, we do have a small amount of notes though. Now, come with me. Since the other Nightmares on this floor already share rooms, our newest is in a room by himself. Probably a good thing, considering how agitated he seems to be.” You follow the men as they speed down the hallways and drone on, and it’s relatively obvious to figure out where the newest addition on this floor resides. The outside is more guarded than usual, at least eight men compared to the usual two. Fantastic. Williams shoves some of his papers into your hands rudely, still babbling on like an idiot.

“Here we are! You’ll have card access for this room from now on, and like usual, the guards will be stationed outside. Try not to worry, he’s chained up quite well to prevent shifting further and shouldn’t be able to leave his cell. All we want from you for the time being is to calm him down, I’m sure you can at least do that.” You’ve never craved you the comfort of your office quite as much as you do right now. All you can do is stand quietly as the guards unlock the door.

It opens slowly, just like the others, but you take the opportunity to peer inside right away. The nightmare sits in the middle of his cell, chained down to the floor in a number of different devices. From what you note right off the bat, he has an unnatural hair color and eyes are a little off, eyes that are wide and glaring right at you. Also, his lower body doesn’t contain legs, no… Just a tail that looks shockingly similar to a snake.

You step in quietly, aware that no one else follows you into the room as the door clangs shut. Like usual, there’s a chair and table sitting for you in the middle of the room, close to his cell, for you to sit down in. You do so, the Nightmares eyes never leaving you, twitching with every move you make. It’s undergoing to say the least, but not a terrible start to things.

“Hello, I’m doc-“ You don’t even get to settle down in the chair fully before there’s a hiss, and then the Nightmares voice rumbles through the room. It’s full of venom, he’s clearly less than happy to be here by his tone. You don’t blame him, but still, the aggression isn’t where you wanted things to go.

“Go fuck yourself bitch.” Honestly, you can’t decide if you’re insulted or if you want to laugh. The situation itself is so unbelievable and unprofessional, you’re not even sure what to feel about it. So, you continue to smile and get on with it, hiding your laughter effectively. Maybe taking it in stride will calm him slightly.

“Lovely to meet you too. Now-“ Cut off again, the Nightmare spits at you. It lands against the clear wall sweltering you, slowly steaming as if it’s burning the material. Perhaps he’s venomous…? It doesn’t look like it’s burning through the wall though.

“Was that supposed to scare me? You can’t get through the cell wall, I’m sorry.” He blinks at you, twisted smile curling up on his face as his teeth make an appearance. Most look sharper than usual, his canines a concerning length. Still, you keep a blank face and cross your legs together with a hum.

“I could fucking eat you alive in seconds, tear you limb from limb. Nothing would make me more happy than to massacre every person in this shit heap.” So his temperament is somewhat similar to Yoongi’s, that much is clear. Yoongi has a buffer with Jungkook though, but this one… You’re not quite sure what to do with him yet, you’re not even sure where to start.

“I’m sure you could. But, since you’re all chained up and locked behind that door, you can’t. Now, would you like to tell me your name?” He snarls, pulling against his chains, eyes still wild as he whips his head around. Even if he were to get loose, he wouldn’t be able to get through the cell. You almost feel bad for the man. Almost.

“It’s none of your fucking business you prissy little bitch.” He’s trying to get you riled up with personal attacks… interesting. The Nightmare settles back down, huffing and twitching every so often, but no longer writhing in the chains. Glancing down at the few papers Williams did give you, you decided to just stay as professional as possible today.

“Alright, I’ll just refer to you as your assigned number for now. Does that bother you at all?” It’s about all he has in his notes. That, and the fact that he’s quite unruly and dangerous. They haven’t classified him in the star scale yet but something tells you he won’t score low.

“Do whatever you want, I don’t fucking care.” At least he didn’t call you a bitch this time. Progress perhaps? That, or he’s just tired himself out. Nodding along with another pleasant smile, you sit a little straighter and address him again, confident that you’ll get somewhere with him. It’s your job after all.

“Okay… So, is there anything you’d like to tell me about yourself 061313?”

#red light ♥️#hoseok x y/n #hoseok x reader #hoseok x you #hoseok angst #hoseok fluff #bts x you #bts x reader #bts x y/n #bts angst #bts fluff #bts horror au #bts monster au

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vanishingreyes · 9 months

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A Seal Seeks Help || Marcus & Xóchitl

TIMING: Late June. LOCATION: Xóchitl's office. SUMMARY: Marcus comes to see Xóchitl for therapy. CONTENT WARNINGS: Depression.

Marcus stared blankly at his ceiling, unable to bring himself to do much else. It was another day where his mental state was at a particularly low point. He had been having these days much more frequently as of late. But what could he do? He had isolated himself from everyone who ever loved him, abandoned his accomplished career, and was slowly being driven to total madness. And worst of all, it was one of the people in this world who should have had his back no matter what that brought him to this state.

A gnawing sensation grew in the pit of his stomach and he couldn’t tell if it was due to the pain of remembering or the fact that he hadn’t eaten in 36 hours. Probably the latter, he figured. He managed to drag himself out of bed and take a look at what was in his fridge, which wasn’t much. He hadn’t been to the store in weeks. He decided something had to change. His changes may grow to kill him eventually, but he at least wouldn’t allow himself to be miserable on the way out.

A curious search yielded few viable results, but one looked promising. A clinical psychologist right here in Wicked’s Rest. He wouldn’t have to go far, and they’d be more likely to be sympathetic to concerns that pertain more to the supernatural. Not that he’d jump right in with “I’m actually a seal person and someone here stole my pelt. Also I’m slowly dying without it.” Best not to set off any alarm bells until he could show her he wasn’t actually a crazy person. He took a look at her page and was impressed enough with her credentials to try and book an appointment.

And so, his appointment with Dr. Xóchitl Reyes was booked.

She supposed that she shouldn’t have been surprised when she actually got referrals and her schedule filled up. It was good, it was even necessary if Xóchitl wanted to make a living. She might’ve had a trust fund, but she didn’t want to touch that unless necessary. The fewer questions her moms asked, the better. She didn’t especially relish the fact that she was lying to them, even in the smallest bit, but it would have to do, if she wanted them to believe that she was better.

Her appointment for today was with Marcus Fremont, a lighthouse keeper - his first appointment, he hadn’t been a referral from a past psychologist - which didn’t especially matter one way or the other, but having people who were brand new was something of a thrill for Xóchitl, even if she wouldn’t always fully admit it.

She’d set out the white noise machine outside of her office, before going back in and grabbing a pad of paper - she’d transfer notes over to the computer later on, but Xóchitl figured it was more personal if she wasn’t partially hidden behind a screen. She heard a knock on the door and went over to open it, offering her most reassuring smile. “Marcus, I presume? You can come right in, and sit wherever is most comfortable for you.”

Marcus couldn’t really explain it, but he was feeling very nervous going into his appointment. He hadn’t really opened up to anybody fully in a very long time. It didn’t help that many of the things that were troubling him weren’t exactly “first meeting” discussion topics. He knew he had to be completely vulnerable, but figured it would be best to hold off on any topics related to the supernatural.

Instead, he did acknowledge that he was having many symptoms of depression. If he could find a way to cope mentally, at least clear his mind, he’d be in a better position to reclaim what was rightfully his.

He took a seat down on the couch and looked over at the therapist. She had a kind and welcoming expression that did put him at ease. Maybe he’d be able to make some progress with her after all. After he was seated, she took a seat across from him with a pad of paper. He appreciated the more personal approach, finding it very sterile and impersonal whenever a therapist or doctor just kept their eyes glued to a computer screen while he tried to ask them for help.

“So,” Marcus started, not wanting there to be too much silence in the interaction. He was paying by the hour after all. “Where should we start?”

“I’d just want you to get comfortable here, first.” That was how these things were supposed to start, anyhow. Xóchitl wasn’t going to be able to do a whole lot of good at giving people therapy if they wanted to run screaming from her office. She’d had enough personal experience with therapists, both good and bad, to know that much.

“Anything you want to tell me about why you’re here, if you’ve seen psychologists in the past, or anything like that. Think of it like… a conversation, of sorts.” Xóchitl winced internally at how cliched she felt as though she sounded. Even though she was fairly certain that it was a case of her being overly critical of herself, but still – being over-done on a first session was also not so good.

She wrote the date down on her notepad, before looking back up. “Also, feel free to call me whatever is most comfortable for you - you don’t need to stick with the ‘doctor’ thing if you don’t want, first name is fine, too.”

A conversation certainly sounded more pleasant than a therapy session. Even though Marcus knew that was what he was here for, it was nice to feel comfortable and open to talking about what was going on in his life.

“Well, first of all it’s nice to meet you, Xóchitl, and thank you for making me feel at home a little. I’ve never seen a psychologist or a therapist before, but usually my doctor visits are very ‘down to business’”, he said with a smile. He looked up at her and saw she was at full attention, maintaining eye contact.

“I guess the main reason why I’m here is to help manage symptoms of depression. The usual textbook stuff: difficulty focusing, lack of energy, overall depressed mood, no passion, yada yada yada,” he continued. He wanted to make her aware of what was going on, but still wanted to have a tough and rocky external attitude about it since that was the type of attitude expected of a military man. “It’s really starting to impact my life in a big way. I have important things to do, and I just can’t bring myself to do them at all. I’ve tried meditation and doing things I enjoy to clear my head. Only problem is, even the things that I enjoy are hard to do now. So I was wondering if you had any other advice to help get me out of this hole, so to speak”. It was definitely the most vulnerable he had been with someone since he left the ship. Nobody else in the town really knew what was going on with him, although he was sure his changes hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“It’s nice to meet you too, and oh - of course.” Xóchitl crossed her legs, perhaps in some sort of vague attempt to appear more professional - not that she didn’t think she already was, as-is, but it never hurt to add another layer of professionalism, all while making sure that she didn’t seem too aloof. All of that had to be possible. Even if it wasn’t, she’d make it so.

“I mean, you’re paying for this, and I want it to be your thing. I don’t think it’s very smart of a psychologist to force their beliefs on the people who are coming to see them.” She’d thrown at least one fit when her parents had taken her to a less-than-fabulous one back in Boston. Which Xóchitl figured was a warranted fit, because the woman hadn’t even had any toys in her office, and she was supposed to have worked with children.

“Of course.” Xóchitl’s expression softened as she forced herselfout of her thoughts of the past, and back into the present. She wasn’t going to help anybody if she just kept thinking all about her past and herself. Though she was acutely aware that perhaps sometime between Mackenzie dying and her getting her psych degree she’d stopped entirely hyperfocusing on the people around her (which made the possibility of losing them easier, maybe), she was aware enough to not focus on herself during sessions. After all, the less that people knew about her, the better. “I think talking about it would be the best place to start - to see the foundation of what you know and feel, and we can build up from there.” She let her gaze float off for a moment before she refocused. “Also, this is just the first meeting - we’re not going to figure everything out now, but we can start to work towards you feeling better about yourself. How’s that sound?”

Marcus supposed that made sense. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and no mind was fixed in an hour. Still, he was hoping to get some progress done today. He nodded understandingly at Xochitl and continued.

“Of course, therapy takes time, that’s what everybody always seems to say. I’m just new to this, so not really sure how any of it works.”

That was mostly true. He did have a previous experience with a navy psychologist who was also former military. However, the two of them hadn’t gotten along together very well. Their miracle cure for experiencing trauma and near death was to “take the experience as a new way to appreciate life”. Just drink the experience away and try to muffle the bad times with artificial and shallow good times. Surprisingly, that method didn’t seem to help much. And since then, Marcus had a bit of hesitation when it came to trusting future therapists.

“So, any questions you want to ask me to get started?”

“Well, if you were an expert in how it all worked, I might well be out of a job, so forgive me if I’m at least a bit pleased with the fact that you’re somewhat in the dark about all of this.” Xóchitl raised an eyebrow.

Questions to get started. She knew his name, knew a little bit about his job, but there was always more to find out about that, wasn’t there.

“I’d like to know why you chose your job - if that was something you’d been wanting since childhood, or if you somehow happened upon it… I find that knowing the whys when we can know them can lead us to help figuring out our other whys.” Xóchitl settled back against her chair. “I think a good many things are rooted in our pasts - or at least that’s what some textbooks say - but regardless, I find discussing that helps, and then we can figure out together if struggles are rooted in past, present, or somewhere in between.”

Marcus understood her desire to ask about why he chose his occupation, after all what someone chooses to do for a living can tell you a lot about who they are as a person.

“I chose the Navy because I felt a calling to serve my country. I’ve always loved the water, felt at home in it. So I figured the Navy was the best branch for me to enter into. As for why I chose to man the lighthouse once I got to town, it just seemed like a good fit.” Marcus glanced up to find the woman listening but not offering much of a reaction one way or another. He felt he was good at reading people, so somebody keeping a neutral expression to remain unreadable bothered him a bit. “I knew a lot about ships, relied on the assistance of lighthouses more than once. I’m a strong swimmer in case anybody needed rescuing, too. Plus, the position was available not long after I came to town, seemed like a no-brainer.”

Marcus felt that his childhood was very nice. He had a wealthy, he almost dared to say privileged, upbringing. His parents were very supportive of everything he wanted to do, even if that meant him risking death in foreign waters. They guided him along through his identity as a selkie, and gave him all of the best advice he could have asked for. If only he had taken that advice more seriously.

Instead, Marcus figured his problems are a mix of past and present. His present was messed up because of somebody from his past. Who is now back in his present. Was “the present” just right this minute, or the last few months? Because that’s when everything really started to go downhill.

“I’d say the problem is more rooted in the present, but who knows? Maybe it’s a combination of things”

“I don’t know if I’d call my love for the water something that I feel at home in, but that makes a lot of sense, then, to choose somewhere that you’d always feel sort of close to home, no matter where you were.” She offered him a slight smile, finally, before nodding about the lighthouse choice. “I’m not sure how much I believe in fate, but it seems as though perhaps you were meant to have that position at the lighthouse.” She couldn’t believe in fate too much, because that would’ve meant that her friend was fated to die, or something, and the thought of that was quite nearly unbearable. Xóchitl nodded. “Was it a steep learning curve? The lighthouse, I mean.”

Another nod, another attempt at a comforting smile in his next comment. “If things have only shifted more recently, then that’d make sense. Are you still enjoying your job at the lighthouse, or does it leave something to be desired, does it feel like you aren’t appreciated…” Xóchitl held up her hand, “I’m not being reductive when I ask that, just so you know, I am just trying to explore as many avenues and options as are possible.”

Marcus listened carefully to the woman in front of him, taking in what she had to say. Was it fate that he ended up working at a lighthouse? He remembered his youth, remembered the lighthouse by his old home used to be his favorite place to go. He even befriended the keeper of that lighthouse as well, who only showed him kindness. It could very well be that when he came to Wicked’s Rest he was pulled towards it in some way, but he wasn’t sure if he would call it fate. He didn’t really believe in that sort of thing.

“Not exactly. A lot of it is automated now so it’s mostly maintenance related duties. Thanks to my time in the military working on ships, I’m already pretty mechanically minded. Learning my duties came pretty naturally.”

He thought about his job at the lighthouse a bit more carefully. He was sure the ships and their captains were very thankful to him, but those people often weren’t the town’s residents. He had made a few friends in town, and had some very strange interactions with others. He was a bit irked that people kept greeting him with annoyance whenever he tried to stop somebody from littering on the beach. He considered keeping the beaches and their waters clean as part of his duties, and took it very seriously. Other than that, however, he really didn’t have any major complaints about his job.

“I think my job is great, I’m fine where I’m at. I guess it’s more that I’ve had a recent touch of heartbreak. There was this man that I knew, thought he was the love of my life. Turns out, major sociopath. And I don’t mean that in a casual sense, I mean you might be able to give him an actual diagnosis. So I’ve been struggling with that betrayal and the sense of cynicism it’s given me. I don’t know, the world just seems a lot more…gray now, if that makes sense?”

“Shows what I know,” she laughed, doing some sort of vague attempt to be somewhat self-deprecating, even if only barely. A little bit of something was better than nothing at all. “Well, sounds like you found a good place. Goodness knows I’m not the most mechanically minded. I think I can change a tire, if, like, pressured, but otherwise, not a strong suit.” Xóchitl offered him another hopefully reassuring smile.

“Oh. Yes, that does make a good deal of sense.” She pondered her words carefully. “Big events, if they’re romantic-linked or anything else, can easily have an effect on the way that we see the world. Sometimes in a positive way, and other times, not so much.” Xóchitl nodded. “Before, with him, things seemed more clear? Both personally and in your view of the world?”

Marcus gave a warm smile in return to his therapist remarking her lack of mechanical expertise. It wasn’t easy to understand a machine, and it definitely wasn’t easy to understand a piece of machinery as large as a massive ship or lighthouse. They did have their own engineers in the Navy, but emergencies happened and sometimes the rest of the crew needed to step up and understand how to do some of the more basic tasks needed. He was thankful that he could now learn how to fix anything and understand how it worked pretty quickly, unless it had anything to do with computers.

“I think it’s a bit more pervasive than that. Things were more clear, sure. But it was like I was living in a completely different reality. One where I was loved, where I was the most important thing in somebody’s life. Only to find out I was nothing more than a means to an end for him. Now, I guess you could say I’m lost.”

He was a bit surprised, he hadn’t meant to unload quite that much. But once he started talking he just sort of kept going. It was nice to be able to get it all out, but he was a bit embarrassed about being vulnerable with this woman he had only just met.

Marcus cleared his throat, and sat forward a bit. “Honestly, it’s mostly that as the issue. But it’s also just in general not feeling like myself anymore.”

She couldn’t help but wince at the comment about being a ‘means to an end.’ And to that, Xóchitl also offered him a compassionate, genuine smile. Nothing too big – and also nothing that was too patronizing – or at least so she hoped. She knew that therapy, as a whole, was something that could easily come off as patronizing and so she always made as much of an effort as was possible to not have that happen.

“Well, after that, I think I’d be more surprised if you weren’t lost.” She raised an eyebrow. “Though of all the ways to end up lost, realizing that you were someone’s means to an end is never ever a good way for that to happen.”

This didn’t seem like it would be a short partnership of therapy, that much she could already tell – and Xóchitl wasn’t opposed to that at all. It would have been a pretty terrible method of being a therapist if she only wanted short-term clients.

“Well, I can’t promise a cure because that’d be false advertising and I don’t believe in curing people, but I can promise that we’ll work through this, and that I have no intentions of leaving you hanging. Does that work for you as a deal? There’s nothing I need or want you to promise to me other than to try.”

The sympathy that the therapist was showing Marcus was very much appreciated, as she was the first person he had told everything to. The reassurance that he was the victim and hadn’t done anything wrong to deserve it was also welcome. As for not promising a cure, Marcus hadn’t expected that. The cure wouldn’t come until the problem itself went away, and he knew that would likely be some time still.

“I can absolutely try. Until I get better I won’t give anything other than my absolute best. This is something that’s very important to me.”

For the first time in a while, it felt as though Marcus had somebody in his corner. Sure he was paying her to be there, but felt genuine. After all, she must have gotten into this field because she wants to help people, so some degree of it must be her honest desire to help him out. Regardless, he needed an ally to sort through everything that had happened, and he was pleased to have finally found one.

#wickedswriting #c marcus #chatzy #writing #a seal seeks help #depression tw #// ty to tyler for writing this with me <3 love u and love marcus both sm

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nerdnag · 1 year

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Hi! I really love your writing and art. You seem like a super awesome person!

I have a probably way too personal question below, so obviously feel free not to answer if you don't feel like it.

I'm in the beginning of the (long, expensive, scary, full of waiting) process of seeking a diagnosis as an adult for whatever my flavor of neurodivergance turns out to be (or not be). If you are comfortable answering, could I ask if you have experience in the diagnosis process (for autism or ADHD)? I'm really nervous about it, and hearing other people's experiences sometimes helps me emotionally prepare.

Sorry for the long ask, and please do not feel obligated to answer at all!

Hi! Thank you so much for your kind words 💕🙏

I'd love to talk about my experiences with seeking a diagnosis! I have had my autism diagnosis for 6 years and my ADHD diagnosis for 6 months, meaning I got both of them as an adult. I'm from Sweden so the process may differ somewhat from other countries, but I can share how it was for me at least.

(This turned into a massive post, so I'll leave it under a cut.)

The path to the two diagnoses were somewhat different for me. For the first one, i.e. autism, I was referred by a therapist I'd been going to for stress-related issues. She happened to specialize in young women with autism and ADHD and saw similar signs in me, so after maybe five or six appointments, she asked if I would be OK with her referring me for an assessment. I was pretty shocked at first, because I'd never even had the thought that I might be autistic, but when she told me more it seemed immediately likely, so I asked her to refer me.

I don't remember exactly how long it took after that, but maybe a couple of months later I was scheduled for an initial phone interview with a therapist for a first brief evaluation of whether or not I should get an assessment. During this interview they asked me to tell them about various parts of my everyday life and how my symptoms had impacted me throughout my life. I also received some forms in the mail to fill in, with lots of questions about my symptoms (standardised tests basically, which they would later refer to during the assessment). A week later or so I was informed that they would go ahead with the assessment and that I'd been placed in line to get one.

I had to wait for over a year until the actual assessment, during which I read up on autism a lot in my own time. The more I read, the more likely it seemed, but I didn't dare to hope too much in case I wouldn't actually get a diagnosis - I was cautiously hopeful. After all, even though I hadn't suspected autism before, that didn't mean I hadn't struggled a lot throughout my entire life. Getting answers would be such a relief.

So when a year had passed, I was super excited to get my first appointment for the assessment. (The very first appointment turned out to be a very negative experience, because I was forced to go through a monitored drug test, which I experienced as very violating and which I've later learned is actually illegal. I won't go into details here though since it doesn't really concern the assessment itself, but if anyone's curious I can talk more about it.)

The assessment itself consisted of a handful of appointments with a psychologist. The first appointment, we talked through my entire life from birth until the present day. This included questions about my mother's pregnancy too, as well as a lot of questions about how I acted as a child and what I struggled with throughout my life. (Needless to say, I was exhausted for the rest of that day. But my psychologist was very kind and good at asking questions.)

The following appointments, they performed some tests on me, like various IQ tests, in order to rule out other possible disorders, and we also talked more in depth about how my symptoms impact my everyday life. Also, the psychologist interviewed both my mother and my partner, without me present. I don't remember a lot of details, but as I recall, there wasn't ever really a question of whether or not I would get a diagnosis, although I was very nervous during the last appointment that they would not give me one. What I appreciate is that they offered me the diagnosis rather than simply declared it, meaning I could argue against their reasoning and also refuse the diagnosis itself if I didn't want it. But of course, I had been hoping for one, so I was very happy.

After that I got an appointment at the autism center in my city, where they offer various courses, groups and other kinds of support. All in all my experience with the assessment was mostly pleasant, and they were very kind to me thoroughout the process (excepting the drug test).

As for my path towards an ADHD assessment, it was a bit more turbulent.

The therapist that had referred me years earlier had actually written that she saw signs of both autism and ADHD in me, but for some reason, the psychologist who did the actual assessment discarded the idea of ADHD during the very first minutes of my first appointment. However, as the years passed, I felt that autism did not explain all the struggles I had, and so I started thinking that there might still be things uncovered. For example, I realized that my tendency to jump from subject to subject both in my thoughts and aloud and thus struggle not to interrupt others and to remember things, as well as my constant ticks like ripping off finger nails, chewing the inside of my cheek or twirling my hair almost obsessively weren't very well explained by the autism diagnosis.

I read up a lot on ADHD and realized that the symptoms of autism and ADHD can sometimes conceal each other, and I also talked to some people I knew who either had an ADHD diagnosis themselves or were in the process of getting one. I could relate to a lot of their issues. Problem was, none of them seemed to see the same thing I did in me, and they came with kind of strange arguments for why they didn't think I could have ADHD. I wasn't very confident at that point, so I didn't try to get a referral immediately.

In January of 2021 though, I had finally pumped myself up to call a health advisor through my work insurance, because I knew a friend of mine had gotten her assessment quickly through that very insurance. However, I had apparently called a week too late, because they'd removed that option from the insurance as of Jan 1st. I was so discouraged by this that I basically just trashed the entire idea for a while, until later that same year.

In November of 2021, I had the chance to see a psychology student at the autism center about some anxiety issues I had. At the end of a session, I mentioned to her that I thought I might have ADHD. So the next session, she gave me some forms to fill in (more standardised tests). She looked them through and handed them over to her supervisor - but her supervisor didn't think there were enough signs of ADHD for a referral. Once again, I was extremely discouraged. It felt so strange that I could see all these symptoms so clearly yet no one else seemed to believe me. I was offered a meeting with her supervisor if I wanted to ask questions about her decision, but I said no because I was just so devastated.

I remember coming home to my partner and telling him about it, and how he encouraged me to take the offer and talk to the supervisor. It took quite a bit of pep talk on his part, but finally I agreed that I shouldn't give up just yet. So the next session, I asked to speak to the supervisor.

The supervisor, who was an expert in autism but not so much in ADHD, was very kind and attentive as I explained to her why I thought I might have ADHD. She in turn told me that the results on the tests I had filled in were not very strong indicators, but that the things I told her during our meeting now had changed her mind - she did see the possibility that I might have ADHD, and she was willing to refer me.

I was so incredibly relieved, and of course I thanked her and said that I would love to get a referral. (I think I could have sent in a referral of my own, but it always weighs heavier if it comes from a therapist/psychologist etc.)

So she referred me, and just like with the autism assessment process, I had an initial phone interview. However, this time, the person I spoke to had already decided to place me in line for an assessment, and simply wanted to talk to me to get an idea of what I struggled with in my everyday life.

Next, I waited...

And waited...

And waited.

Every time I received official mail from the municipality, both my partner and I held our breaths as I opened it. I swear I have never received as many completely irrelevant letters from the municipality as I received in that year and a half.

But then finally... It came. The letter announcing that it was my turn to get an ADHD assessment. This was in July of 2022, 1.5 years after my referral. This time, they informed me in the letter itself that I would have to go through a monitored drug test. So this time I was prepared, and although I knew at this point that it's illegal to force patients to go through monitored drug tests unless there is a reason to suspect substance abuse, I went through it just so I could finally get my assessment. After that test, I got all my appointments for the assessment itself.

My first appointment was in September, and within the first minutes, I knew that the psychologist was a good one. She was very kind, clear, attentive and caring. She made clear that she was aware of the way in which autism might conceal ADHD and vice versa. And she told me I didn't have to go through the IQ tests etc again since the first set from my autism assessment was still recorded in my patient journal. So this process would go faster than the autism one. We still had the in depth interviews though, some more standardised tests in the shape of various forms to fill in, and then the psychologist interviewed my mother again (although not my partner this time; she said she'd only do so if she felt towards the end that she needed more to base her decision on). I also actually brought some books about ADHD and autism, as well as about 2E (Twice Exceptional, meaning high IQ + neurodivergence) that I had in my bookcase, and she borrowed them for a few weeks and told me afterward that she'd at least skimmed them (which is probably more than I could ask for, seeing how busy I assume she has to be). The assessment was generally very similar to the first one I went through, although they of course had somewhat different focus areas.

Throughout the assessment, it became clear that apart from my autism which compensates for some of my ADHD symptoms, the fact that I have such a good support system in the shape of a supportive partner and flexible work situation, as well as the fact that I have a high IQ, have also been huge factors in why it's been so hard for me to get an assessment/diagnosis. My life is pretty functional from an outside perspective, but that's because I have all these support systems in place and because I've tailored my life around my struggles. For example, I barely have a social life irl, because I so easily get drained if I'm not on a perfect energy level that particular day, and that energy level can swing massively from day to day. So I never know whether I'll be able to make it when the day comes. I also struggle with relationships because I suck at remembering things that people have told me about themselves, and I tend to shift between being very intense or barely present in the relationship at all. Also, even though there are many reasons why I don't want to have kids, I don't believe I would be able to take care of a kid even if I wanted, because I can only just manage to take care of myself. There are more examples, but basically, I look functional because I'm an expert at compensating and I have incredibly supportive circumstances beyond that, but it's a different story behind the veil.

But even despite the compensation, I managed to check off all the criteria needed to get an ADHD diagnosis. Apparently what my mother had told the psychologist was in line with all the things I had said about my childhood as well. I was very nervous before my last appointment, but the psychologist was confident in her diagnosis, which was an immense relief. Like with my autism diagnosis, she asked me if I was OK with the diagnosis and her reasoning for it, and I said yes. She wrote up an opinion and set the diagnosis, and said that she would send it to me within a few weeks, and if I didn't contact her with any suggested adjustments afterward, then she'd make the diagnosis official a few weeks after that.

So I received the opinion via mail eventually, and it was pretty spot on, so I didn't contact her again. After that, not much has happened so far. I've been to an initial appointment with a therapist at the psych department to talk about what kind of support I might need from them, and that therapist placed me in line for a few things, including medication (which, knowing the long waiting times, might be a year or more in the future for me, which sucks).

So there you have it. It took 1.5 years for me to get an autism diagnosis, an additional 4 years for me to come to the realization that I might also have ADHD and get a referral for that assessment, and then almost 2 years more after that to get the actual ADHD diagnosis. I've had the fortune of getting in contact with the right people along the way, including two very competent psychologists, but hopefully that is more of a rule rather than an exception.

(I should add that I barely had to pay anything for my assessments, only $20 or so per appointment, which is incredibly cheap in comparison to many other countries where health care isn't universal and mainly government-funded. I'm aware this is a huge benefit.)

I hope your path towards a diagnosis will be relatively quick and easy. I know it can be incredibly rough to have to wait for the assessment, and it can also be stressful during the process to feel like you have to "prove" your symptoms or justify why you deserve a diagnosis. But if you feel confident that something is up, then don't take no for an answer - or at least be sure to ask for their arguments for why they don't think you have autism/ADHD, so you can properly face those arguments and possibly argue against them. And while you wait, Tumblr can be a pretty good place to hang out and interact with others in similar circumstances (and relate to memes lol). I found that helped me a lot :) Also, reading about the symptoms/diagnoses, and other people's experiencs with them, might be helpful.

Hope this answer was useful to you. I'm happy to answer any follow-up questions you may have!

#Ask a nerd #A nerd nags #Adhd #Autism #Adhd assessment #Autism assessment #Leave it to this nerd to babble for hours about one of her special interests ie her NPD diagnoses #long post

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theangelofthedesert · 9 months

Text

Deceiving Appearances

There I was again, in front of another psychologist that pretended to help me due to my parents’ request, who couldn’t take any more of my erratic behavior of the past two weeks, behavior that included disobedience to anything I was ordered, whole days of self-isolation, hunger strikes, the silent treatment to everyone and sudden outbursts of rage and aggressiveness. The problem was that I didn’t remember anything previously mentioned, some days I didn’t even remember getting out of bed in the morning, all was blank in my mind. Without any other option, I ended up agreeing to the therapy doctors recommended, who didn’t know what to do with me either.

“How are you feeling today, Alex?” the psychologist’s voice came to my ears. “Are you feeling alright?”

I didn’t answer, just nodded my head. I had agreed to come to the appointment, but they didn’t say I had to talk to him. The psychologist continued to watch me attentively, studying every move of my hands, the shaking in my legs and the nervous twitches in my face. I couldn’t even look at him in the eye, his presence was intimidating.

“Don’t worry, anything you say stays between you, me and these four walls.” His voice was calm and comforting, but not enough to sooth me. “I’ll ask you a few questions, is that okay?” I nodded again. “Very well. Do you remember what you did yesterday morning?”

“I… Uhm, got up from bed and…” I didn’t remember anything else from that morning, but I knew my parents found me in the neighbor’s backyard playing with his dog.

I was going to tell this to the doctor, when a sudden force came over me, preventing me from speaking. “I don’t know, I’ve been under too much stress due to finals at school. Maybe that’s why I don’t remember.” I didn’t say that. The doctor just wrote something in his notepad, looking back at me without noticing that subtle accent that came out of my mouth.

What’s happening to me?! My ability to talk was gone and I could only see the situation as it were a scene from a movie. I tried to move my hands to let the doctor know about my situation, but a couple of seconds after I thought of that, my body responded again. The confusion and fear didn’t make themselves wait, paralyzing me for a moment.

Before I could say something to the man in front of me, a voice from deep inside my mind talked in a calming tone:

“Don’t be afraid, nothing bad is happening” it assured me and in some way it ended up soothing me.

After hearing that, the appointment with the doctor flew by due to not being able to pay him attention. Thousands of thoughts were running through my head, but the voice hadn’t talked again to answer my questions.

“Finally, I wanted to ask you…” The doctor kept on writing something on his notepad without looking at me. “Have you ever heard voices in your head?” His question made my body tense up.

“Tell him no!” Yelled a different voice to the first one, taking me by surprise. It was the voice with the accent, but now inside my head.

“Uhm… Nope, never” I tried to feign confusion to not raise suspicions and it seem to fool the doctor.

“Okay, I think we finish for today” the psychologist got up from his chair and extended his hand for me to shake it. “I hope to see you here again, Alex”. I tried to answer, but my voice was taken once again, together with the ability to move.

“Thanks, doc. See you later…” The accent, there it was again, but the doctor still didn’t notice.

Once I was out of the hospital, the control over my body came back, leaving me with a sensation of dizziness and not knowing what to do. Meanwhile, the two voices in my head kept on talking between them, maybe without knowing I was listening because one of them let slip out:

“Another psychologist fooled. The parents should already know that they won’t accomplish anything that way.” It was the voice with the accent again.

I decided not to think about it. Maybe it really had been my imagination driven by the fatigue I felt due to school, but in a certain way, it was nice knowing I shared my loneliness with someone else. That afternoon I came back home and acted as if nothing had happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a short story I wrote during the pandemic to get extra credit in my university lol hopefully you'll like it and forgive any grammatical errors, english is my second language. Also, this work is inspired by someone I love dearly (⁠｡⁠･⁠ω⁠･⁠｡⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠♡

#oc #original story #short story #mental health

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bteezxyewriter12 · 2 years

Text

Save Me/ 18

Pairing- Yoongi x Named Reader

Word count- 4.7k

Includes- Fluff, psychologist appointment

Tag List- @mingtina @jaxxmine

@delightfulmoonbanana

@tannie13 @yeosayang @marsstarxhwa

@borntowalkaway @y00nzin0

DO NOT READ IF ANY OF THIS MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!

Series Masterlist

Yoongi POV

I'm so nervous

I asked Joanne to come to my studio with me after coming home from shopping

I finished the song I was working on, the one where I asked for her opinion on the music

The one she thinks is for my second mixtape

I mean technically it is because I'm going to put it on there whenever I make it, but I want to release this song as a solo first

It's a song I wrote for her

One that tells her everything I feel about her

A lot of the lyrics I write are about her and some I wrote for BTS songs but no one knows they're about her

Not her or the guys

Only I know

The problem is that I haven't been able to record it yet

We're both still not comfortable with leaving each other alone yet and since she's always with me, I can't record it here

So I have to rap and sing it for her in person

Rapping isn't a big deal, I've done it for her before

Singing to her every night now while she's awake to get her to fall asleep has made that part easier

And I have everything memorized But I'm so nervous

"Yoongi, are you ok naekkeo?", She asks, looking concerned

"Yea, yea I'm fine, just a little nervous for you to hear the music", I say

She thinks she's here to hear only the music.

She doesn't know I wrote the lyrics

"Oh stop Yoongi, I know it's going to be incredible. Everything you do is", she gives me a reassuring smile

Here goes

I sit across from her on a chair and hold one of her hands

She squeezes it to reassure me again and I hit play with my free hand

The music starts

I look her in the face and she looks back at me

At the precise moment in the music I start to rap

The first verse is about when I met her when we were kids and how I first fell in love with her

Her mouth drops while she listens

I sing the chours, which is about us now, telling her how much I love her and how glad I am she chose me to be with

It's getting easier as the song goes on and I switch back to rapping

In the second verse, I tell about how she was there for me and supported my music, when she was there when BTS first started

Near the end, I tell her about how much I missed her when we didn't talk much a year ago

Then I sing the chorus again

The final verse is about the past year we've been together

Thanking her for everything she's done for me, how much I love her, how happy she makes me and how happy I am we're going to have a family

She has tears streaming down her face and a huge smile

After singing the chorus one more time, the music cuts out and she jumps into my arms

She crushes her lips to mine in a big kiss

"That was beautiful Yoongi. I love it so much. Thank you naekkeo", she whispers, hugging me tightly

"Anything for you jagi. I love you. I'm so happy you like it"

"Of course, how could I not?", she says, "But Yoongi, when did you do this?"

"I wrote the lyrics when you were in the hospital, when you'd sleep. After finding out you were alive, it just came out of me. I would work on the music in between ones I composed and sent to Namjoon for our next album. It took a little longer because after I did the work for BTS all I wanted was to be with you. I actually had more time to work on it the day I showed you some samples"

"That's why you were asking which ones I like better", she realizes

"Yeah. I wasn't able to record it because we're always together and I wanted it to be a surprise. That's why I showed it to you this way."

"I love that you did it this way naekkeo. You know I love your voice and you were really talking to me, telling me how you feel. It felt more personal. I absolutely love it", she gushes

I smile

I'm so happy she loves it

"Now that I showed you, I'm going to record it and release it"

"Really?"

"Yeah jagi. I'm also going to put it on my mixtape whenever I start working on that, but I want to release it as a standalone first. If that's ok with you?", I ask

"Of course naekkeo. Whatever you want."

She bites her lip, "The only thing Yoongi, is that you talk about the baby. Won't the ARMYS get mad about that?"

"You know I don't care, baby. It doesn't matter to me. They're going to find out anyway."

"Ok Yoongi", she smiles

"There's one more thing Jo", I say, standing up

"What is it Yoongi?", she says as she starts to get up

"No jagi sit. It's ok"

She sits back down on the couch

I reach in my pocket and pull out the ring

I kneel down on one knee and hold the ring out to her

Her eyes widened and she gasps

"Joanne I love you with all my heart. I never want to be without you. I was going to ask you when we were on tour but then everything happened and it wasn't the right time. But I can't wait anymore. You're my one. I've know since we we're fifteen. It took us awhile but we're finally together and I'm never letting you go."

I take a breath

"So Joanne, will you marry me?", I ask

She nods as new tears fall from her eyes.

"Yes Yoongi. Of course naekkeo"

She kneels down in front of me and kisses me

I feel all of her love for me in that kiss

When the kiss breaks, I take her hand and put the ring on.

She laughs through tears, "It's beautiful. I love you Yoongi"

"I love you Joanne. Always"

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

J POV

Yoongi recorded and produced the song he made for me

He titled it, "My World" and released it a few days ago

And the reception has been amazing

ARMYS loved it

Yoongi showed me the tweets they were tweeting

"This song is amazing. Yoongi is the best boyfriend ever!"

"You can hear how much he loves her."

"Joanne is so so lucky! She's got one of the good guys"

"I'm officially an Yoongi and Joanne stan! They're perfect for each other"

"Joanne is my bias! She's amazing!"

"I ship them so hard!"

"I'm so happy they have each other. They deserve to be happy after everything. I love and support them"

"Congratulations, new baby on the way!"

"New bangtan member! Congrats"

"They're having a baby! I'm so happy for them"

"New maknae on the way!"

"She's pregnant! We're gonna get a little Agust D!"

"Little rapper on the way!"

"I'm so happy for baby Min. I can't wait to see how adorable the baby is gonna be! Both parents are beautiful"

"This baby is gonna be gorgeous. Yoongi is beautiful and Joanne...she's breathtaking"

"This song is everything"

"Let's get this song to the top of the charts guys. Yoongi and Joanne deserve it"

I was actually stunned.

I knew they'd like the song but I didn't know they'd be so excited and happy that we're having a baby

I'm glad they're ok with it, for Yoongi's sake

I would never want to do anything to hurt his career

--------------------------

Yoongi and I just came home from the first time going to the therapist

It was ok

It's a woman, Dr. Park

At first she was nervous about seeing us together

She thought we would lie or keep things from each other.

"No way", Yoongi said, "We tell each other everything."

I nodded, "I don't keep anything from him and I've never lied to him"

"Same for me", he said

I could tell she was still nervous but continued the session anyway

She asks us both to talk about why we're here

So Yoongi and I explained everything, from how him and I knew each other since we were kids to what happened last week when the video was released

I held his hand the entire time

"That was you?", she gasped

"Yes", I responded

"I saw it on the news too. They should be ashamed of themselves for releasing that. No one should have seen it, especially not you. I'm so sorry"

I just nod

Then it was my turn to talk and I told her all the things I told Yoongi the day that video was released

Then it was Yoongi's turn and he tells her what he told me about how he's scared something will happen to me again and how he feels

She says that him and I are both traumatized from everything that happened

I mean I knew that

She also adds that the pregnancy is adding to the stress of everything too

She admits that my abuse case is different from others because I didn't love my abuser

I stayed because of my love for Yoongi

She asked me if I resent Yoongi because I went through all that because of him

That pissed me off because that couldn't be farther from the truth

There's no way I'd ever resent him

Never

And seeing the horror on Yoongi's face when she asked that infuriated me more

"Are you crazy?", I yelled, "Of course not! I love Yoongi with all my heart. I'd never resent him. It's not his fault Han-jae is a psychopath. I went through it willingly, because of my love for him and I'd do it again in a heartbeat"

Then I turned to him, "Naekkeo, I don't resent you. I could never. I love you. You didn't do anything. He did. I promise"

He gave me a half smile, "I believe you Jo. I know you'd never lie about that. I love you too"

I felt relief flood my body when he says that

When I turn back to Dr. Park, she has a stunned look on her face

"Ok. I'm sorry. It was just a routine question I ask abuse victims about"

I just glared at her

"Jagi", Yoongi squeezed my hand and I looked over at him, "It's ok"

I nodded and forced myself to be calm

Then she spoke to Yoongi

She explained it's understandable that he'd be nervous and anxious because I was attacked twice

"I also think", Dr. Park continued, speaking to Yoongi, "That you feel guilty. Guilty that she was abused for you and you didn't stop it. Guilty that you weren't there when she was attacked both times and arrived after the fact. And you never got over that guilt. You feel like it's all your fault."

Yoongi was silent but he nodded

I didn't know he felt that way

I tried so hard to tell him it wasn't his fault, that I did it because I love him

"Yoongi, I told you it wasn't your fault. It wasn't."

"I know but I still feel guilty Jo. You were tortured and almost died twice because of me.", he said quietly

"Joanne", Dr. Park called me

I looked at her and she started talking, "I know you told him it's not his fault but that doesn't make the guilty feeling go away. He may even know it's not his fault but still feel that way."

"Do you feel like that Yoongi?", I asked

"Yeah jagi. It hasn't gone away. I tried to make it go away but it doesn't. But she's wrong about one thing.", he said

"What? What is it?"

"I know it's my fault", he said and I feel like I got punched in the heart

"Yoongi, no, it's not.", I insisted

"Yoongi", Dr. Park said, "I'm going to tell you that it's not your fault at all because it isn't. Han-jae used you as an excuse to abuse her. If you were not in her life, he would have used another excuse like her job took time away from him or one of her other friends. He picked you because he knew you two were close. And I know you may not believe that now, but I'm going to help you so that you will believe it."

"What about Joanne?", Yoongi asked

"What do you mean?"

"Are you going to help her too?"

"Yes. I'm going to help both of you"

After the session Dr. Park said she'll see us both at the same time

From the way the session went and how Yoongi and I talked about things she's convinced we won't lie or keep things from each other

That would never happen

Yoongi and I are going back to her in two days

We decided we'd go twice a week for now

---------------------------

"And your mom has these beautiful brown eyes that shine but I think I told you this already"

I smile

Yoongi is laying his head on my stomach and talking to the baby while I'm half sitting up and half laying on the bed

He has his hand on my stomach too

I'm just listening and running my fingers through his hair that he dyed back to black

"She can be a little mean sometimes so you have to be good"

"Hey"

"Aww jagi it's true. Not to me but you can be like that to the guys, especially Jungkook and Tae"

"Yeah well they deserve it sometimes", I complain

"I won't argue with that", he laughs

He starts talking to the baby again, "So mommy wants me to teach you to rap. I think I can do that since she wants me to. I can't teach you to sing though, you have to ask Tae, Jin, Jimin or Kookie for that"

"Stop Yoongi. You have a beautiful voice", I say

"I think mommy says that to make me feel better. She's the.....hey!", he exclaims

"What?", I ask startled

"He kicked and I felt it"

He sits up and looks at me with awe on his face

"He did?"

"Yeah! You didn't feel it?"

I shake my head sadly

Maybe my stomach is fucked up from all the cutting Han-Jae did and maybe I can't feel anything

"Gimme your hand jagi", he says as he takes it

He puts it on my stomach saying, "It was right here."

He presses my hand a little hard

"Anything?"

I shake my head

What kind of mom am I that I don't even know when my baby kicks?

I knew I was going to be a fucked up mom

This proves it

"Hey baby boy.", Yoongi calls getting close to my belly, "Kick for mommy. She wants to feel you kick her. And do it hard!"

He smirks up at me

"Yoongi that's not nice", I try to hold in my laughter

I'm about to say something else when I feel a bump against my hand

I gasp

"What? Did he do it?", Yoongi asks excitedly

I look up at him and nod, tears in my eyes

My baby boy kicked

"Again. Do it again", Yoongi says as we both look down at my belly

I feel him kick again

"He did it! He did it!", I cry, smiling and crying at the same time

"Do it again baby", I ask

This time he kicks hard

"He kicked me hard!", I laugh

When I look up at Yoongi, I see him looking at me and just smiling

"My two babies", he says softly then leans over and kisses me

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

Yoongi POV

So far everything is going ok

But I don't want to jinx anything

Joanne is seven months pregnant now and her belly is huge

It's funny to see a huge belly on her when she's so small

The baby is kicking like crazy and her back is starting to hurt more

So I just give her massages all the time

She still has to go to physical therapy and that makes her sore too

Therapy is helping both of us and we've both relaxed a little

We've gotten to the point where we don't have to be in the same room as each other

But we don't leave the apartment or go anywhere without each other

We're not ready for that yet

And that's ok

--------------------------

The guys came back from the tour and come over to see us

"Oh my god Jo, you're huge!", Jungkook exclaims, sitting next to her on the couch

"Yeah thanks Kookie. That's what every girl wants to hear", she rolls her eyes

"Oh sorry"

"I'm just kidding Kookie", she laughs

"Oh", he laughs in relief

"Congratulation! You're getting married!", Hobi hugs her

"I was so shocked that Yoongi asked. We never thought he'd get married", Jimin adds

"Hey!", I snap

"Oh c'mon Yoongi, you're not easy to live with", Jin jokes

"Yeah he is. He's perfect", she smiles at me

"Thanks jagi"

"So how was the tour guys?", she asks, as we all sit in the living room

"It was fun!", Jimin exclaims

The guys tell us all about the tour and the ARMYS, the sights they saw on the days off

It sounds like they had a blast

And I'm not jealous one bit because I was here with my jagi and I'll take being with her over anything in the world

"We missed you and Yoongi", Namjoon says

"So how are you guys?", Hobi asks

"We're ok.", I say and tell them about going to therapy and how we're doing

"That's great Yoongi as long as it's helping you both", Namjoon nods

"It is", I agree

"Ow", she yelps

"Again?", I ask

"Yeah and harder this time."

"What's going on?", Tae asks confused

"The baby is kicking her. He started last week and now he does it all the time.", I answer

"And he's kicking harder and harder every time. All the time", she rolls her eyes

"That's so cool!", Jin replies

"Yea. He does it a lot when he hears Yoongi's voice. He's more calm with my voice but when he hears Yoongi's he goes crazy", she says

"I didn't know that", I say

She shrugs, "I think he's so used to my voice since he's stuck with me all the time."

"Can I feel him kick?", Jungkook asks excitedly

"Yeah", she nods

She takes Jungkook's hand and puts it on the spot where he kicks

"Yoongi, talk to him"

"Uh...", I start

"Just do it naekkeo, please?"

"Ok. Ok jagi", I give in and lean closer to her

"Hey baby boy. Kick for Kookie", I say

Jungkook's eyes widen, "That's amazing!"

He keeps his hand on her stomach and says, "He did it again!"

"My turn!", Tae yells and pushes Jungkook off the couch.

"Guys stop", she scolds, "You all can feel him kick if you want."

"Wow", Tae breathes when the baby kicks

One by one all the guys come over and feel my baby boy kick

"Have you picked a name yet?", Jin asks

She and I look at each other

I didn't even think about that

"Uh no not yet. We've been busy with everything else", I answer

"I still think Seokjin is the best name", he says

"Of course you do", I roll my eyes

"Hey. It is", he insists

"We haven't even talked about names yet guys", she says

"Yeah well just keep Seokjin in mind"

"I will", she laughs

The conversation turns back to the tour and I take her hand, holding it as we hang with our friends

---------------------------

The next day, I walk in the living room and sit next to her

"Hey Yoongi"

She leans over and kisses my cheek

"Hey jagi. Are you busy?", I ask

"No naekkeo, not for you", she smiles

I love her so much

And after yesterday with the guys, I realized we never even talked about baby names

We've just been calling him baby

I don't even know if she's been thinking of names

She probably has but I haven't

"I think we should talk about a name for the baby", I say

"Oh ok", she answers

"It's just after the guys asked I realized we just call him baby."

"Yeah. Ok. Do you have any name ideas?", she asks

"Not really. I think we should decide if we want a Korean name or English name.", I say nervously

I don't know what she wants and I don't want to push anything she doesn't want.

I don't have a problem with either but I don't know if she does

"Oh it doesn't matter to me Yoongi. Whatever you want", she replies

"It doesn't matter to me either", I reply

"Oh. Well why don't we just throw out some names and see what we like?"

"Ok", I agree, "Have you been thinking of names?"

She nods

"Uh I was thinking Erik, Luke or Lucas, Jack, Jake, Kaiden, Rowan. I like the Korean names Baek and Hyun for the first syllable of his name. And of course Yoon-gi."

Wow she has a list

She must of been thinking about this for awhile

And she included my name

That makes me happy but weird at the same time.

Usually a baby isn't named after the father in Korea

"What do you think?", she asks

"I like Erik and Jake. Baek and Hyun are good names too."

"What about your name?"

"I uh I don't know. We don't uh really name a baby after the dad."

"It's ok Yoongi. If you don't want to or are uncomfortable, it's ok", she reassures me

I nod, "Ok. Thanks jagi."

She smiles at me

God she's the best

"So the other names are a no?"

"I uh...I'm not too fond of them", I admit

"Ok Yoongi. It's not a problem"

She's so easy going and I'm thankful she's like that

"What about you? What names do to like?", she asks

"Well uh...how about William?"

"Uh..", she says

I laugh, "Ok ok. Um Noah? Or James?"

"Noah is nice but uh not James. It was my brother's name and I can't..", she stops

"Ok jagi. Ok. What about Kwang? Or Ryung?", I quickly throw out names so that she doesn't dwell on her brother's death

She thinks for a few seconds

"I really like Ryung. But don't you have a name for one of the syllables that you have to name the baby?"

She's thinking of traditional Korean naming with the Dol lim ja

I dunno about that

I'm not really one for strictly following tradition

Whatever she wants is fine

"I mean my family does. It's Kyung and it should be the first syllable. But we don't have to do that Jo. It doesn't matter to me"

"Maybe we should. For your family.", she says

She's so thoughtful but I don't want her to do something for other people

"Listen Jo. We don't have to. You don't need to do anything for my family ok? They love you and I don't think they're expecting you to follow Korean traditions. You know you can do no wrong in their eyes. And I don't expect you to either. And it doesn't matter to me. I just want you to be happy", I explain

She just nods, thinking

Then I think of something that may work

"So how about this. You and I both like the name Erik. So we can name him Erik Kyung. That way he has the name we like and includes the traditional Korean name. It's not the first syllable but it doesn't matter as long as it's there."

She smiles at me, "Ok yeah I like that. Erik Kyung is a nice first name"

"Oh well I meant Kyung as more of a middle name but we can put them together for a first name too.", I say

"I mean I like them together as a first name. We can call him Erik as a nickname like we call Hobi and Joonie.", she says

"Ok baby. Whatever you want."

"But he's your baby too Yoongi, I want you to like his name", she argues

"I like it jagi. I promise."

"Ok Yoongi. I like it too. Min, Erik-Kyung"

"My last name?", I ask surprised

We didn't talk about that and we're not married yet

"Of course Yoongi. You're his dad!", she exclaims, "It's not going to be my last name. And my last name is going to change when we get married"

That makes me elated but I know she loves her last name and I don't want her to feel like she has to change it

"You don't have to change your last name Jo. I know you love your last name.", I tell her

"But I want to Yoongi. I didn't think I'd ever want to change it when I got married but I do. Because it's you. Because we're a family and I want to have your last name.", she explains

Honestly her saying that warms my entire body and makes me feel so many emotions like awe, gratefulness and above all, love

"Ok Jo. Thank you"

"You don't have to thank me Yoongi, I love you."

"I love you too"

Then she looks at her belly and rubs it

"Hey baby you have a name now. Your dad picked it. I told you he was smart", she smiles at me, "You want to tell him his name?"

I touch her belly and say, "Your name is Min, Erik-Kyung."

He kicks against my hand and I laugh

"I think he likes it", I say smiling

"Yea"

She looks like she wants to say something, so I ask, "What is it Jo? Are you ok?"

"Actually I was thinking about something Yoongi and I wanna ask you about it, since we're talking about your last name", she says blushing

She's so cute

I wonder what it is if she's blushing

"Sure Jo, you can ask me anything."

"Well I know we said we'd wait until after the baby is here to have a wedding but...uh....what would you think about getting married now?", she explains

"You mean like going to city hall and getting married there?", I asked

She nods

I didn't really think about it

I just figured we'd do that around the same time as the wedding

But now that I think about it, I do want to do it

I know our families are expecting us to have a wedding but that doesn't mean we can't be married already

The more I think about it, the more I want to marry her right now

"I think it's a great idea jagi. I love you so much and I want to marry you. If city hall wasn't closed already, I'd do it right now. But are you sure you want to do that?", I ask

"Yes Yoongi. I don't want to wait. I want to marry you now. I love you. The wedding can wait but I don't want our marriage to wait."

I smile at her and I feel so happy

"Ok jagi. We can do that. I can find out what we need and we can go next week if you want?"

"Ok Yoongi"

She leans forward and I meet her, our lips touching in a kiss

I'm so elated

I'm gonna marry the love of my life

---------------------------

A few days later, my phone rings while I'm in my studio

"Hello?", I say

"Mr. Min?", a voice says

"Yeah?"

"It's Glenn."

"Oh hi"

I don't know why he's calling.

He found the person who sent the video to the media

It was Han-jae's friend who he was hiding out with when the cops caught him

He was arrested

They also found that one news station's head authorized the release of the video on his channel and when other channels heard he was playing the video they did too

He was fired but not arrested

So I don't know why he's calling

"I need to speak to you about something."

"Uh ok"

He starts talking and as he continues I keep getting angrier and angrier.

This is not going to be good for Joanne

#save me #yoongi fanfiction #yoongi fanfic #yoongi fic #min yoongi fanfiction #min yoongi fic #min yoongi fanfic #bts yoongi fic #bts yoongi fanfic #suga fanfiction #suga fic #suga fanfic #bts suga fic #bts suga fanfic #bts fic #bts fanfic #btsfanfiction

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thinfatfit · 2 years

Note

Hiya there! Idk if you remember me but I asked you about advice on seeking therapy, the routes and what to expect.

I finally saw a doctor today who referred me to a psychologist. And suspiciously enough I have the appointment tomorrow and a video meet the following day! I say suspiciously because it's a lot sooner than I ever would have expected and I'm nervous. 😅

But I guess the purpose for this ask is, do you have any advice? What to expect from first hand experience or just something you've learned from entering therapy?

I wanted to speak to them about medication for my depression/anxiety but also happy to talk about other options. More than happy give my family never helped with their, "drs want to just make money, they made people addicted, ect ect.."

I'm really nervous. Idk how long this appointment will last, I'm overthinking what I should be wearing, idk how indepth I should go.

Hope you know none of this is on you and there is no worries if you can't or choose to not answer. Thank you ❤️

hey! yes i do remember! that's great news, congrats on taking this step!!!! and good luck <3.

just want to preface what i'm saying by saying that this is all just based on my own personal experiences and i don't know anything for sure as facts or anything about actual health and bodies.

regarding medication, i take meds and they've helped me a lot, but i know that everyone has different experiences. afaik, most antidepressants aren't addictive so that's not really something you have to worry about. i know that the meds i take aren't addictive. i think that's a concern for some short-term anti-anxiety meds (like valium that you might take if you're in a stressful situation in the moment) or for adhd meds and things like that. but my normal everyday antidepressants don't really have that issue i don't think. and i know some ppl are afraid of taking meds, and this is just my personal opinion, but one thing i always say is that if it's not going well for you.... you can just stop taking them (under supervision from your dr). like.... just because you decide to try them doesn't mean you have to take them forever. you can take them and then see how it goes. you also might have to try a few different types before you find what's right for you (for example, i first tried zoloft but it wasn't the best for me then tried prozac and it was better but not the best fit so went to effexor and took that for a while but eventually switched to lexapro - all under my dr's guidance). so just bc the very first meds you try aren't working for you, doesn't mean that none will.

i feel like you don't have to worry too much about what you wear! like.... anything is good i think as long as it's not like super fancy or like a bikini lol. like sometimes if i'm coming from school or work i'm a bit more dressed up but sometimes i'm just wearing shorts and a tshirt.

and i think it's probably a good idea to write down point form notes of what you want to talk about and bring that with you to refer to. you could also write at the top or with stars the things you want to discuss for sure and mention that at the start.

and i feel like it's their job to guide the convo and the session! so don't worry too much about that, especially the first time. you can always make that one of the things you ask, if for some reason they don't really guide things at the start, you can say "can you tell me about what i can expect from this appointment?" and ask about how the future will go like "how often will we meet? when will our next appointment be?" etc.

i hope this is helpful!!!! i know it's suuuuper long lolol.

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innocencel0st · 4 months

Text

It was kind of funny. Tatum had been seeing a therapist for over twenty years. She'd been seeing this particular therapist, Dr. Denise Marshall, since she'd left Woodsboro seventeen years prior. And despite being a psychologist herself, she never really knew how to start her sessions. No matter how they started, they always ended up at the same topic though: Stu. So she might as well just dive in, no beating around the bush.

"I'm seeing someone," she finally started after a handful of silent minutes.

Denise's eyebrows arch. It's not the first time Tatum has told her she was seeing someone or talking to someone or dating someone. How she phrased it varied, but it never lasted very long. But it is the first time she's told her she was seeing someone since Stu's release. "You're dating someone?"

"Yes. Maybe. Kind of." Her answers are quick. She doesn't know what her and Stu are doing. But it's become a routine for her. They don't even have to plan it. All he has to do is tell her when the next appointment is. A morning appointment means lunch at the cafe, and an afternoon appointment means the park after work. Sometimes she packs a picnic when they'll be at the park. And if her back feels okay, they can take a walk around the lake instead of just sitting under the gazebo. "I don't know yet," this time her answer feels more final, she sounds more sure of herself.

"It's still very new?" Denise questions, but she doesn't need an answer. She knows from the way Tatum is acting regarding it. "This is the first time you've given someone a chance in a while."

"I know." Tatum swallows. She feels nervous. But she has to talk to someone about it, and she can't talk to Sidney. She learned her lesson already when she told her about the first lunch she had with Stu. She couldn't tell Dewey either, he would be even less understanding than Sidney. Maybe she could talk to her mom about it, but she'd most likely tell Dewey. And then Dewey and Sidney would be holding an intervention for her, at the least.

There's a brief pause as Denise considers how to approach it. "Tell me about them."

Tatum is at a loss for words. Of course she can describe Stu. She doesn't have a problem with that part. The concern is actually admitting that its Stu. She doesn't feel like she can. "It's um...It's someone at my office."

Denise perks up. This is the first time it's someone that Tatum would have to see regularly once she ends things. "Really?" she asks, an eyebrow arched.

"Well...it's...it's a patient," Tatum admits. Then she quickly adds, "Not one of my patients. That would be grossly unprofessional. But a patient there. We ended up running into each other at the cafe down the street from the office, and started talking. Is that...Is that still unprofessional?" Her face twists in concern. She's not lying lying, right? She's just not being completely honest.

"I'm not here to judge you, Tatum. I'm here to help you." Besides, Denise figured it was a matter of opinion as to whether or not Tatum was behaving professionally.

"Right," a nervous half smile forms on her lips and she glances at her therapist briefly before looking down at her hands.

"So how do you feel about them?" Denise asks, trying to get back on topic and maybe make a breakthrough on Tatum's lack of a love life.

"I don't know," and it's actually honest. She doesn't know how she feels. She's missed him though. And there are times when she lays a gentle hand on him, he holds her hand, or they brush against each other, and her breath catches, and she wants to go back to being eighteen. She wants to go back to before his party, before the garage. She wants him to sweep her up into his arms like he used to. She wants to tell him how much she's missed him. But she never does. Because too much time has passed and things changed between them. At least, it should have changed.

"How do you feel about Stu?" Denise asks and Tatum is clearly caught off guard. Eyes widen and lips part. Things Denise notices even without Tatum looking at her.

"I don't know," Tatum repeats, and it's honest. Because Stu is the one she's been talking about. "Sidney hates him."

"I don't care if Sidney hates him," Denise interrupts. "This is about you, Tatum, not her. I know you both survived that night. You were both nearly murdered by your boyfriends-"

"Stu didn't want me to die." It's Tatum's turn to interrupt, and as she does, she finally looks up at Denise.

An exasperated sigh passes between Denise's lips. This part they've repeated too many times since Tatum visited Stu in prison. "He set you up to be murdered, Tatum. He was going to kill your best friend. He gutted his ex-girlfriend."

"I don't have to be reminded!" Tatum snapped. She readjusts in her seat, looking back down again. "I'm sorry. I just..." A pause as she sucks in a breath. "He was only eighteen, we were still kids." Her voice cracks and she sniffles. "He wasn't thinking about the consequences or the finality of his actions. He wasn't thinking that there'd be no more Tatum if Billy killed me in the garage. He was hurting. He needed help, and nobody realized it." She didn't realize it.

"Tatum," Denise's voice was soft, almost motherly, despite only being a few years older than Tatum. "Why do you keep defending him? Over and over, every time he comes up. It's been worse since you visited him in prison."

She's silent for a while, studying Denise. "You think I visited him so that I could defend him. So that I can justify not hating him the way Sidney does."

"No," Denise shook her head. "But I do think that if you don't find a way to cope with what happened without defending him, then you're never going to be able to move on. You have to get over him so that you can have a healthy relationship with someone else."

There's an even longer silence. Lips are pressed together. She can taste the peach lip gloss that coats them. The same peach lip gloss she's been wearing since high school. When she finally speaks again, her voice is barely above a whisper. "What if I can't get over him?" What if I don't want to?

#drabble #muse; tatum

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jennjnee · 1 year

Text

SO!

Last week I had my first appointment with my new primary care doctor, and it went great, everything got all set up and referrals got referred etc., and over the weekend I got insurance letters approving my referrals, so far so good, and I find out one of the referrals is for a psychologist, which I didn't ask for but honestly great call on my doctor's part to call in a professional to at least kick the tires and pop the hood on my little queer brain and see what's going on in there.

So yesterday I start looking into making appointments, and I decide to start with the psychology department because I figure if anyone will be good at walking people through making an appointment even though they don't know what they're doing and they're nervous about it and really don't like having to call people on the phone in the first place, it'd be them.

So I go looking for a phone number, and I have a specific name from my insurance that I'm cleared for so I absolutely need to get an appointment with her and not anyone else 'cuz insurance won't cover them, so I check my insurance directory for the number they have on file for her and yup, there it is, listed under "make an appointment"

So I grab my medical record and insurance cards, dial the number, and get ready to talk to the intake nurse and/or robot, when I hear

*click* "Hi, this is [doctor]?"

And I realize in one horrible moment that the phone number listed on my INSURANCE COMPANY'S WEBSITE for my MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL'S appointment line was, in fact, her PERSONAL WORK CELLPHONE, and I'm just like "Um uh hi uh sorry hi uh I'm Jennjnee and I was calling to make an appointment and I am so sorry I did not know this was your personal phone number."

And she just sort of laughed the situation off and everything was fine and all and she gave me the right name and number for making the actual appointment, but seriously what the actual fuck that is such a dangerous thing to do to a doctor, ESPECIALLY one working in mental health!

#storytime #American healthcare system #health insurance #doctors #mental health #i hate phonecalls

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asleepykid · 6 years

Text

🌼

#mm so story time: its me bein a bit anxious again #im having an appointment with a psychologist for the first time on tuesday ajfiajckjvkdk as recommended by my guidance counsellor #and im so ?? nervous like ? what do i say?? do i wink and go like ;;;) aha you! buddy! did my guidance counsellor haha mention me !#wjfkjjxjs what the heck do i say do i just blurt out all the stuff ive been experiencing #even setting up an appointment was really discouraging bc when i asked if i could set one up the woman was like ??? PSYCHOLOGIST?? HUH WAT #FOR?? WALK-IN?#hsmekfkckskskdkfjv 'bc i think i need help? lol? bc my counsellor told me to?' what kind of reaction was that even #anyway :( haha good luck to me! sorry im tag ranting again!#dl #personal

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honey-makki · 4 years

Text

Irreconcilable

Characters: Asahi Azumane X GN!Reader

Summary: Asahi’s mental health can be debilitating sometimes. Taking a toll on himself and relationships with others, but how far will they go to help him?

Warnings: depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts

Song: this is me trying- taylor swift

Genre: angst/comfort

Count: 2k

A/N: please head the warnings. this discusses and is an explicit portrayl of anxiety and depression with references to suicidal thoughts. it isn’t “fun” but nevertheless i think its good. at least it felt good to write,

Asahi hasn’t left his bed yet today, rather listening to the rain and staring up at the ceiling, wondering how long it’ll be before he can fall asleep again. This isn’t an uncommon situation for him, his figure shrouded in darkness and enveloped by the blankets on his bed. The occasional buzz of his phone goes unnoticed.

The darkness of the room shifts throughout the day, casting heavier shadows on his bed in the afternoon, shadows that he can feel the weight of on his chest. They mirror the heavy feeling in his heart and the discontent in his head. Would sorry have made any difference? It’s just a word, a word I would have struggled to even say.

The passage of time seems like its just a theoretical concept until the gnawing pain of hunger starts to peek through. He’s not hungry per se, but his body is telling him that three days without eating is way too long. The tinge of pain is a welcome feeling, no matter how fleeting.

It would still be a few hours before Asahi made his way to the kitchen, long after his flatmates are asleep, hoping to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. There isn’t a reason he can articulate for the way he looks, hair messy and unwashed, deep circles under his eyes despite sleeping most of the time, and his thinning frame drawing in his seemingly oversized old volleyball jacket.

He doesn’t even think he would try to come up with an excuse should they see him, the effort seeming monumental for little to no reward. He’s gotten to the point where he isn’t hiding it, any actions to make it easier to deal with, like using the kitchen sparingly and only at odd hours, are just due to convenience not fear of response.

Holding a bowl of cheese puffs and a long-forgotten packet of Takenoko No Sato Asahi makes his way back to his room, each footstep silent. Sitting in his desk chair he pops something in his mouth, not really sure if it was sweet or savory because to him they all taste the same, something akin to cardboard, or wood chips uncomfortably dry in his mouth.

The milk carton he grabbed out of the fridge doesn’t taste much better. It feels thick, so much so that he isn’t sure he will be able to swallow (or stomach) it. He might as well be drinking a bottle of unscented lotion, and even then that might be better.

He isn’t sure how long has passed since he keeps zoning out, but the bowl of leftover puffs look about as appetizing as styrofoam peanuts, and he knows that if he doesn’t get them out fo his room, he might be sick. Being sick is a lot more effort than sneaking to the kitchen, that is as long as it’s late.

He finally checks his phone after what has been, hours? A day? Maybe three days? It’s not the brightness of the screen that hurts, or the way all the notifications make his heart race, its the background picture that makes it nye impossible to use. Its you.

Seeing your smiling face next to his, he recognizes every single square millimeter of your face, long ago committed to memory. He could paint it blindfolded if he needed to, but the person next to you? He doesn’t see himself looking back. The clear skin, the glow, the beaming smile, the light in his eyes. Maybe its liveliness, maybe its adoration, maybe its gratitude, but regardless, he doesn’t retain nor deserves any of those emotions.

It’s his fault he’s here alone in his room staring at a bug climbing the wall. step. step. step. Each leg of the ant moving in unison, carrying it to some future that it can imagine. How depressing is it that an ant has a brighter future than I do? Every second he spends looking at the ant is one less second he is being drawn deeper into the tumultuous whirlpool of dread in his head.

The buzz of his phone clacks against the ceramic bowl, discordant in the otherwise silent room. The noise acts as a life preserver he feels oddly obligated to take out of the water, looking down to see your name across the screen. For the second time today, he feels something, earlier it was clearly defined and compartmentalized hunger, now? It’s a ceaseless swirl of resigned hopelessness, despair, anxiety, irritation, and a deep sense of being unworthy of all of these feelings.

Its easier when he isn’t reminded of you.

He doesn’t plan on responding to your simple ‘hey.’but the follow up of ‘dai said you aren’t well, let’s talk’ still everything but his mind. He can’t breathe in, he can’t move his thumbs to lock his phone or reply to you, all he can do is think about is how this could only go horribly wrong, but that you cared, at least cared enough about him to check-in. Even after everything he did.

Asahi: We can talk on the phone later I guess, y/n

Y/N: i’ll be over tonight at 7, i still have a key.

7pm. That’s 6 hours away according to his phone. The concept of time mattering feels foreign, should he nap? Take a shower? How long are normal showers? Should he clean his room? Does his room even need to be cleaned? Wash his sheets? Before long he finds himself on the floor, head in his hands with tears streaming down his face. He doesn’t recall getting there or starting to cry, it feels like the tears have always been there, each tear track carving out a trail in his skin, creating invisible canyons. They’re always there, maybe invisible or dry, but the tear tracks are still there.

The faint thud of his pulse ringing in his head is one of the only things his dulled sense can take in. he can’t place if he’s developed a migraine and the thud is twangs of pain or if he’s just, not here. Living what can only be described as the inverse of an out of body experience, everything else around him fading out into black, leaving him alone in an infinite black universe.

The weight of something on his head brings him back to earth. His head leans up and out of his peripheral sees your knees as you sit on his bed. A small whine leaves his throat as you begin to scratch and massage his scalp. Asahi can’t remember the last time he was touched by another person, and he doesn’t know how he lived so long without it. Your fingers are massaging fatigue out of his bones, undoing tension he’s caring in his shoulders.

It’s illogical that the light touches from each of your fingertips on his scalp can undo so much damage to his body, but that’s a skill you honed over time, and you can visibly see him become grounded.

“Asahi you know I can’t keep doing this. I would do this every day for the rest of my life if asked because I know it helps, but I hate seeing you like this. I’m scared that one day I’m going--” your chocked sobs are finally audible enough for him to perceive, “that you are gonna be too far gone. I wouldn’t be able to take that Asahi. Life without you is hard enough, I don’t want to imagine a world without you.”

He knew his mental health issues affected you, its the whole reason he left you in the first place, feeling guilty for you having to take care of him and him not making any progress. But he didn’t realize how scared you were. That he might just wither away, or suddenly not be here anymore. It would be a lie to say he hadn’t thought about it more than once, but never taking any tangible steps forward.

He still hasn’t said anything, but after a few minutes of you both crying, he just nods his head. You aren’t exactly sure what that means, but his voice croaks out, “help. I’ll get help.” The admission wasn’t something you expected but the hoarseness of his voice from crying or nonuse makes it all the more real. That maybe you were right to worry, and you were right to set this ultimatum.

A few hours later, you leave Asahi’s apartment, he fell asleep after you helped him bathe and changed his sheets. You left phone numbers of multiple psychologists and therapists, and an offer that you would make an appointment if he couldn’t find the willpower to do so. You have a cup of tea with Daichi before you leave, telling him about Asahi wanting to get help. You ask him to try to make sure that Asahi is doing at least the bare minimum or eating real food once a day and showering. Small steps eventually add up to a healthier person.

Months pass, where you and Asahi exchange a few text messages, detailing about he found a therapist, and his journey to find a medication that made him feel better and not worse. The conversations are long, but they always leave you hopeful about his progress.

You expected the knock on the door to be your take out but instead are looking at the chest of a much taller man. You look up to see Asahi’s face, a nervous smile looking down at you. His skin looks healthier, not as pallid or marred with deep sleeplessness, his hair is up in a bun, but you can see how much healthier it looks. The most notable change is that you can see light in his eyes. There’s something in there, hope maybe or just contentment with his growth. But there’s something, something that he made on his own and can hold onto.

Sure there are still signs that he isn’t fully back to the Asahi you met a long time ago, his hair is still thin, his frame is still not as filled out as it once was, but is definitely in a healthier range, his smile isn’t 100% confident and doesn’t seem to fully reach his eyes, but he looks good. And if he’s here, he must be feeling good.

“Hey y/n, I’ve been doing a lot better recently and my therapist said I should come and speak my mind. First, let me give you the most genuine and heartfelt thank you I can muster. If you hadn’t said what you did that one evening, I would never have gotten help and I honestly might not be here.”

His words are confident and sincere. They sound a little rehearsed, which is endearing. Asahi was never the most eloquent or poised person when it comes to feelings, but his declarations of love were always true in the deepest sense of the word. You couldn’t contain the smile on your face even if you wanted to, not when he’s done so much, not when he’s trying so hard.

“I might perceive the world as darker and more hellish than it actually is sometimes, but I’m gonna try again and again to soothe my heart and pick the flowers growing in the midst of hell. You are one of those flowers, a light in the darkness that motivates and assures me that all is well. If you would like, I want to grab coffee with you, like old times.”

Your bodies are bathed in golden sunlight from the window behind you, giving your nod a lucent halo. The halo fades as you step out and close the door behind you, but the glow doesn’t, it’s part of him, part of you.