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chosovixen · 2 years

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𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 | (𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚡 𝚏𝚎𝚖!𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛)

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 | 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐝𝐦𝐢𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐯𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬; 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐥𝐥

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬 | 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭 (𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐝𝐧𝐢, 𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐟!𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐮𝐧𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐱, 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐟𝐟!!)

𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚎𝚋𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚍!!

“No way!” Billy yelled from across the kitchen. You had just told him you’d never been in a relationship long enough to ‘get any action.’ “You’ve never fucked anyone??” he furthered.

“Well, don’t say it like that.” you hushed, trying to make the conversation somewhat appropriate. You don’t even know how the conversation came about, but now you were in a rabbit hole of answering his questions.

“So you’re telling me you’re a virgin?” he asked, now leaning over the counter, waiting for your response. He was close, way too close. You could feel the blood in your body heat up.

Billy was your best friend, one of your close friends, and you told him almost everything, but this was too much. Yes, he’d overshare a bit for your liking, but he was sweet and heartfelt when you guys weren’t talking about the women he had slept with.

You didn’t want to respond to his invasive questions, but you couldn’t stop your mouth in time. “No. Not in that way,” you answered; your vision shifted to the ground. Only a small ‘oh’ was audible from Billy, and you sat silently for a minute.

That minute felt like an eternity. You both keep looking around and avoiding each other's gaze, trying to figure out what to say next. “So.” Billy started, “You’ve touched yourself?” he asked, not once looking up at you.

“Billy, no, let's not go there. Please.” you retaliated.

“What, I’m just asking!” he exclaimed, raising his hands in protest. You were now looking at each other and trying your best not to laugh.

“Yes, I’ve touched myself; you happy?” you reveled.

“What were you thinking about when you were doing it?” you knew you shouldn’t have answered, but again your mouth was faster than your brain.

“You-” you accidentally admitted.

Your eyes were wide, anticipating Billy didn’t hear you. You shifted in your seat, pretending to think of an answer to his question, but you’d already been caught, and faking could only get you so far.

“Me!?” he asked, genuinely curious and intrigued about your response.

“I-” you began now, standing up from your seat and retreating towards your bedroom, hoping you could make it there in time to lock the door, not having to deal with this fiasco you created. Billy was quick, and you expected it. He has you pinned against the bedroom door, inches away from your face. Feeling his hot breath against your face made you want to go feral.

“Come on, tell me,” he whispered huskily against your ear. All you could do was just look up at him and let out a small sigh.

“Want me to make your fantasy come true?” he proposed, a smirk growing as he watched you squirm underneath him.

“We can’t.” you managed to utter. You’d be lying to yourself if you said you hadn’t thought about this exact moment, but you knew him and his type.

You didn’t want to be used and then forgotten like all the other women he’s been with. He meant a lot to you, and you didn’t want to lose him.

“Oh, but we can; all you have to do is just say the words princess.” you could feel the heat rush to your core and just a simple pet name.

“I don’t think we should; what if it ruins our friendship?” you genuinely didn’t want to ruin your friendship; honestly, Billy was a significant person in your life and the greatest friend you could ask for. On the other hand, you had been thinking about him more romantically but never acted upon it because you wanted to keep what you had going.

“The only thing I want to ruin is you right now,” he confessed, pulling you from your train of thought.

The sudden knowledge that had been given to you only made the feeling in your core grow. You didn’t respond; instead, you gave him a small smile and a flash of your doe eyes. Billy groaned, now pressing you harder against the door; you could feel his bugle in his pants grow, but you chose to ignore it for now.

“Come on, tell me you want me. I’ll be so good to you, baby.” he knew which buttons to push and when he wanted to, he pushed them hard. Now grinding his aching bulge on you, you had no choice but to focus on it.

“Last chance, baby, I’ll make it worth your while, I promise.” he almost sounded needy; he was panting and rubbing himself against you like a bitch in heat. Of course, you didn’t mind, but you’ve never seen this side of Billy; he was always stern and upfront when talking to any woman, but he was whimpering above you, trying to get some friction going.

“Billy,” you whined, earning a loan groan from Billy. “I-i want you so bad right now.”

One thing led to another, and you were now on your bed, looking up at Billy, aggressively taking off his clothes, only leaving his boxers on. You were so captivated by his physique you didn’t even realize that he was undressing you until you felt the cold air hit your thighs.

He was just about you slip your panties off when you managed to grab his arm and ask, “are you sure we should be doing this?” he crawled above you, planting a kiss on your forehead and responding, “only if you want to.” you wanted to object and maybe talk about exactly what you two would be after this, but the way your pussy was clenching around nothing but the sheer fact that he was so close to you threw that idea out the window.

“I want you, I need you, Billy.” you didn’t need to tell him twice.

Billy placed kisses down your body, and when he reached your pussy, he looked up at you with those pretty eyes giving you a wink and then proceeding to slip your panties down. He stared in awe at how wet and sticky your pussy was with arousal.

“Don’t just look; it’s making me feel awkward.” you tried to move, but he kept you in place and continued to stare.

“It’s just so pretty,” he began, “all this for me?” he finished now, directing his gaze towards you, waiting for an answer. You let out a small yes, almost like a squeak but just loud enough for him to hear. Billy climbed back on top of you, leaned down, and whispered in your ear.

“Do you want me to eat your pussy first, or fuck you?” just the tone in his voice while asking such a question made you clench so hard around nothing and whine. “That’s not an answer, baby. I need you to speak.”

You told him precisely what you wanted. “Eat it, please. Make a mess of my pussy Billy.”

With no time to waste, Billy quickly dropped to his knees and placed his head between your legs. He kissed the little patch of hair you had nicely trimmed above your pussy before kissing your clit, earning a small moan from you. Then, taking that as a sign to continue, he flattened his tongue and licked from the hole to your clit, sucking on it. He repeated this a few times just so you were comfortable with the feeling.

“Oh, fuck” you hissed; you’ve never felt this type of pleasure before, and you didn’t want it to stop.

You’d cum on Billys' face for the third time, and there was no sign of him stopping, so you had to push him off, thinking he’d get the hint. You whined at the loss of stimulation, but your whole body was shaking, and you couldn’t even think straight. Finally, Billy noticed you trying to calm yourself. He gently grabbed your face and passionately kissed you, not breaking it until you both needed some air; you melted into the kiss and already felt yourself calming down.

“Was it too much?” a look of concern spread across his face; you quickly nodded and told him he didn’t need to worry. “We don’t have to continue if it’s too much.” he tried to reason, but you wanted this, and you wanted him.

“I’m fine, really. So can you please fuck me now?” Billy felt his cock twitch at how blunt you were being, and he liked that you were this way with him.

Never in your wildest dreams did you think you’d be fucking one of your closest friends, but here you are, legs spread wide, as eyes were feeling heavy at just the thought of taking him. Billy managed to pull out a condom from his jean pocket, but you stopped him, telling him it was okay; he didn't need it.

“Fuck baby, you don’t know how sexy you sound right now,” he responded, and you just chuckled, making him go red. He brushed the tip up and down your pussy mixing his precum with your juices to get some form of lubricant. You bit your lip, suppressing a moan without even realizing it. “Don’t do that. I wanna hear that pretty voice, okay?” you nodded, and Billy began to push the tip of his cock inside you, that alone was stretching you, and it felt much better than your fingers.

He pulled out of you and then put just the tip back in again; you sighed in frustration. You were about to tell him to stop teasing when he pushed his whole length inside you. It felt so big, and it made you feel so full that you couldn’t stop yourself from moaning and whining.

“F-fuck Billy, your cock feels so fucking good.” tiny drops of tears trickled down your cheeks not because it hurt, but because it felt so good, you couldn’t imagine yourself with another.

“Your pussy is so tight, I’m already about to cum, oh fuck.” he moaned into your ear.

“Please, Billy, please fuck me.” you cried out. He obeyed and began rocking his hips into you. Reaching down to rub your clit Billy moaned at such a sight.

“You look so fucking pretty right now, you know that right?” you couldn’t even think with the way his cock was sliding against your walls and filling you up. “I’m gonna fuck this pretty little pussy and make it mine, yeah?” now, his pace was getting a little faster and more rough.

“Yes, please make me yours Billy.” you cried out, arms reaching out, bringing his face close to yours and awarding him and sloppy kiss. “Oh fuck yes, right there, right there.” you yelled out

“you gonna cum, baby?” you could only furiously nod, he sped up a bit more until you reached your climax.

“Ah-” he was hitting the spot so perfectly you couldn’t form sentences anymore, just sounds.

“Cum for me, baby, cum on my cock.” You came undone with a few more deep, long thrusts all over his cock. He fucked you through your high and was ready to bust himself at any moment.

“Fuck I'm about cum.” he grunted; you felt him pulling out, and with quickness, you wrapped your legs around him, keeping him in place. Billy jerked his head up at you in confusion while trying to get his cock out before he came in your pussy.

“What are you doing? I'm about to cum?” he chuckled while still trying to break free.

“I want you to cum inside me, deep inside me.” you pulled him close and whispered the last part into his ear huskily before he came undone himself. With loans groans and sloppy thrust Billy finished inside of you. He carefully laid himself on top of you, trying to calm himself from his mind-blowing orgasm. You two stayed there for a while until you could catch your breaths.

“This isn’t going to ruin our friendship,” Billy stated.

“Huh?” you questioned, unsure of where that statement came from.

“You worried it would ruin our friendship, but it won’t. I want to be more than friends with you if that’s okay.” the shock on your face would catch anyone's attention; you’ve never really pegged Billy as the type to jump into a relationship, but for some reason, you could feel that he meant what he was saying.

“I’d like that.” You flashed him a toothy grin, making him to do the same.

You don’t exactly know how this relationship will play out, but one thing for sure is that you're willing to try.

#billy stranger things #stranger things #billy hargove x reader #billy hargrove #dacre montgomery #smut #stranger things smut #billy hargove smut

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avpdpossum · 5 months

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Hi. After following a hyperfixation rabbit hole (thank you, ADHD and Autism) I have been wondering if I have AvPD. I've been obsessively researching it for a while now, and it would make a lot of sense for the struggles i've been facing that just aren't really explained by my other diagnoses but also aren't really *normal* per se, but I'm scared I'm wrong or just looking for something else to be "wrong" (i put wrong in quotes bc i dont think any disability/mental illness is actually something wrong, but that's how a lot of the people around me perceive it) with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid. My thoughts and hang ups are this:

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify (also me: hasn't made a follow-up appointment with either my neurologist or psychiatrist bc the idea of making the phone call "wrong" is crushing; changes the time I eat lunch so I don't have to either ask to sit with the people I know would let me sit with them bc they consider me or a friend or have them see me sitting alone even tho I literally like them and want them to be my friends; still haven't applied for my college housing accoms that I literally need bc I'm too scared i'll get turned down; feels crushing embarrassment even existing in the same space as my roommate; has a grand total of 1 friend)

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection (my best friend was too busy to eat dinner with me like we usually do bc finals season and I nearly threw up bc of how much it hurt, and I ended up in tears for almost an hour) or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be (I literally can't make phone calls unless I'm locked in my dorm without my roommate there because I feel like people will judge me for doing a normal human activity like answering my mom's phone call; can't brush my teeth in the morning bc what if people see and only do it at night when most of the dorm hall is asleep), the constant reassurance I need from people (I'm constantly asking my best friend (only friend really) if I'm annoying them/too much work/going to get left by them/actually welcome to hang out with them).

I also wonder if my self-esteem is too high since I know low self-esteem is a key part of AvPD? I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

I'm also not particularly quiet when I *am* in social situations. I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, even though I immediately regret it 99.9999% of the time, and my ADHD impulsivity results in me interrupting people a lot even tho it makes me feel like a horrible person. I always feel like I've overshared to everyone (tho my best friend, the only person I can be around all the time and not have a meltdown, says I actually under-share and should open up more to people).

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school (people would take stuff from my bag and throw it and make me "fetch like a dog," I was really short so they'd hold stuff out of my reach) and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc, and after I moved away just before high school i didn't really bother to try making friends bc even tho i was lonely it just didn't seem like it was worth it bc they wouldn't like me anyway and I was just gonna go to college soon and they'd leave me then but none of that's really traumatizing?

I don't know. I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now? And I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed. Sorry, this was really long. If you actually read all of this, I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

i'll give you the short answer first: yes, it's absolutely possible that you could have it. i can't tell you if you do or not, but i can tell you that all of the doubts you mentioned are things i've personally struggled with while figuring my avpd out.

i'll put a much more in-depth answer addressing each of your concerns under the cut:

I'm scared I'm wrong

here's the thing: being wrong doesn't hurt anyone. people will act like researching your own potential diagnoses and coming to the wrong conclusion is the end of the world, but the reality is, there's very little actual harm that could come from a self-misdiagnosis.

with a clinical diagnosis, if the doctor is wrong, that could end with consequences like taking the wrong medication or doing therapies that do more harm than good to you. but just doing your own research and coming to your own conclusion? the worst that happens is you use the wrong word for a while and then eventually realize it doesn't fit as well as you thought it did, or you ask a doctor about it and they decide it's not a good fit and (if they're a good doctor) help guide you toward a more accurate explanation of what you're experiencing. either way, there's no harm done!

or just looking for something else to be "wrong" with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid

here's the thing: whether avpd is the answer or not, you're suffering. and if you're suffering and you want to better understand why that's happening, you're allowed to do that! your suffering is valid whether there's a name attached to it or not, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to want a name for it. it's only natural to want to understand why you feel the way you do and find people like you.

and if you're worried about a "psychology student syndrome" kind of thing – that you might just be projecting symptoms onto yourself that you don't really experience – the best thing you can do for that is to take some time to really look at yourself and your life and see if you see those things taking place. don't worry about if they're "as bad" as other people's; if you see examples of those things in your life and you're suffering because of them, that's all it takes to know you're genuinely experiencing it.

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify

it seems like you already know this on some level, but yeah, all of the things you listed after this sentence absolutely sound like some pretty significant avoidance to me. again, i can't tell you if it's avpd or not, but those do sound like the kinds of things i would count toward my own self-diagnosis if it were me.

there's no hard line of how severe your avoidance has to be, or any real way to objectively measure severity in the first place. if those things are getting in the way of you living your life and/or causing you to suffer emotionally, that means they're bad enough to be taken into consideration.

the secret is, almost no one feels like what they're experiencing is bad enough. i've had times in my life where my avoidance literally almost killed me, and i still wonder if it's "bad enough". don't let that imposter syndrome feeling stop you from better understanding your brain and getting the support you need.

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be, the constant reassurance I need from people.

this feeling was actually exactly what started me on the path that led to me realizing i had avpd. i knew that i was autistic and socially anxious, and i thought for a long time that those explained what i was experiencing, but the more i interacted with people around me who were also socially anxious autistics, the more i realized i was dealing with something none of them seemed to understand.

and all of the things you described – intense emotional dysregulation caused by rejection and embarrassment and needing constant reassurance to function in social situations – are classic avpd things. so i would say, if your gut tells you those things aren't being explained well enough by the words you already have to describe yourself, avpd is definitely worth considering.

I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

hey, you're talking to the guy who's not just avoidant but also a narcissist. avpd can absolutely coexist with being highly confident (or even overconfident) in certain parts of yourself.

it also sounds like that confidence is an exception to the rule. feeling like you're "not X enough" for other people to the point of having self-isolation spirals or suicidal ideation because of it are really common forms of low self-esteem in avpd. if you ever here an avoidant refer to having an "avpd spiral" or "shame spiral", the experience they're talking about is a lot like what you described.

the stereotype of avpd is a super shy and quiet person, and some of us definitely are like that (myself included), but not all avoidants are. there are some who mask their avoidance by coming off as incredibly social and talking to people a lot, and others who (like you described) talk a lot even if they don't want to because of other aspects of their neurotype.

i think those feelings of regret and shame that you feel in response to what you're saying are really the important thing here. those internal experiences are much more fundamental to what avpd is than how they present externally, so the fact that you're experiencing them means i definitely wouldn't count avpd out just because you're not as quiet as some of us are.

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc

first of all, a history of trauma isn't actually required to have avpd. it's often assumed that personality disorders are also trauma disorders because they are often associated with trauma, but there's nothing suggesting that's always the case.

there's also research that has shown some people are born predisposed to avpd. it tends to cluster in families along with social anxiety, suggesting there's some sort of heritable aspect, and some research suggests avpd might start in childhood with a person having a nervous system that's naturally hypersensitive to certain triggers.

it's also important to remember that the kinds of trauma that can lead to something like avpd aren't always things we would look at as obvious trauma. for example, one paper i found said that a possible form of trauma that could lead to avpd is having an overprotective parent – the parent projects their fears onto the child and, despite just trying to keep them safe out of genuine love and care, ends up teaching their child that the world is dangerous. we might not look at that kind of parenting and automatically see it as traumatizing, and it's hard to fault that parent for trying to keep their child safe, bu the result for the child is the same. especially if we are born with more sensitive nervous systems than the average person, things that seem totally mundane could have a significant impact on how our brains develop.

all of that to say, it is possible that the experiences you described –being bullied in school and excluded by your friends – had enough of an impact to cause the struggles you're experiencing now, even if they don't feel like trauma. it's also possible that they're unrelated, because avpd (if that is what you're experiencing) can develop even in the absence of trauma.

I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now?

you'd be surprised what therapists don't catch, especially if there's a much more common and less "scary" label (like social anxiety) that can, on the surface, explain away what you're experiencing. i've been seeing my therapist for 8 or 9 years now and she's very aware of my avoidant tendencies, including how much they get in the way of my life, but she still never brought up avpd with me. whether it’s because they just don’t hear about avpd enough to think of it, because they avoid diagnosing personality in general, because they don’t know “do with” avpd and would rather assume it’s something they do know how to handle, or because they think avpd is just another word for severe social anxiety, a lot of therapists will see all the signs of avpd in a patient but never actually bring up avpd as a possibility.

at the end of the day, you know better than anyone how much of a problem these struggles are for you. if you think this really could be the explanation, don't worry about what she did or didn't catch. therapists aren't infallible; they're human, and they can miss things.

I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed

i 100% get that fear. i actually had that happen to me with my therapist – i brought up a few theories of mine to her, she shot them all down, and i ended up stopping our sessions and eventually going to a different therapist for a while because i felt like i couldn't trust her anymore. ultimately, i went back to her (mostly because the second therapist was an incredibly condescending asshole and my parents didn’t know of any other options), but i honestly still haven't brought avpd up to her to this day because of that.

so i can't blame you at all, and it's okay if you feel like you need to work up to bringing this up with her. try doing some more research and getting more confident in your theory so you feel like you can explain it well to her, and maybe even put together a collection of the evidence you have for it – examples of how you feel like you exhibit the symptoms, things like that – so you have something to hand to her instead of having to explain it on the spot. once you've looked into it more on your own, you can reevaluate how confident you feel in the theory and decide if it's time to talk to her.

in the meantime, you could try testing the waters to see how she might respond to you bringing up a theory. there are some therapists who are super against patients doing their own research and having their own ideas about what's going on, so it’s good to know if your therapist is one of those people ahead of time instead of finding out the hard way.

i would also recommend telling her that exact fear if/when you do bring this up to her. that sentiment of "one somewhat negative interaction is all it takes for my embarrassment to be so bad that i can never talk to you again" is a really common thing with avpd, and is one of the reasons a lot of avoidants struggle with therapy. so being honest about that fear can both help her understand that she needs to be cautious in her approach if she does disagree with you and could actually make her more likely to agree.

I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

so yeah, like i said at the beginning of this, i think it's very possible that you could have avpd. i can't tell you for sure, but pretty much everything you've described here sounds very familiar to me as an avoidant person, so at the very least i think it's definitely worth looking into further and seeing if it continues to feel accurate as you learn more.

i hope this helps! and whether you end up concluding that you're avoidant or that there's something else going on, i hope you're able to find the understanding and support that you need.

#poss.answers #avpd #actually avpd #actually avoidant #avoidant pd #avoidant personality disorder #cluster c

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spade-riddles · 6 months

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Re: the last anon about drawing attention to the Gaylor rabbit hole

Word of mouth is a powerful thing. If enough people say the same thing, it becomes believable. A drink can become popular if a celebrity says it’s their favorite drink. When Taylor wears a cute shirt, it immediately sells out once people find out where she got it from.

When a rumor doesn’t go away, it’s not a rumor. Or whatever Elton John said. Lol

It seems like all the articles that have come out post prologue are even skeptical about it because they’ve never run tons of articles speculating on her sexuality, just her dating life. If I recall, mainstream articles talking in depth about Gaylor only really started popping up last year? Maybe earlier this year?

I honestly don’t think she’s ever confirmed or denied a rumor about her sexuality.…because no publications or interviews ever outright asked her about it (I don’t think). Pretty sure whenever she does interviews, which is rare nowadays, It’s established beforehand what topics she will or won’t discuss.

The prologue was about the media and how they use their platform and influence to misconstrue and misinform. They’ll say she’s a serial dater, but they’ll also start or amplify a rumor she’s dating someone.

Or they’ll run a slideshow of her supposed dating history—you know, the ones she actually confirmed in 2017 were full of incorrect theories as to who the songs on reputation were about? Because she spoke on those same things in that prologue that she did in the 1989TV one:

I've been in the public eye since I was 15 years old. On the beautiful, lovely side of that, I've been so lucky to make music for living and look out into crowds of loving, vibrant people. On the other side of the coin, my mistakes have been used against me, my heartbreaks have been used as entertainment, and my songwriting has been trivialized as 'oversharing'.

Also…to the people who think she “ended” or “killed” Gaylors/kaylors, you’re simply basing that off the side she allows you to see. Because remember:

We think we know someone, but the truth is that we only know the version of them that they have chosen to show us.

#well said

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aller-geez · 1 month

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Getting to know: Zeroh Osiris

199 // he/him // pansexual // Undead (Reaper)

Full name: Zeroh Osiris

Nickname: 0, Oh

Date Of Birth:

Big Three: Scorpio 🌞, Scorpio 🌙, Cancer ↗️

Physical Appearance —

Age: 199 years old (died at 27 years old)

Eye Color: White/Pale blue w/ grey rings

Hair Color: Black & White

Weight: 157 lbs

Height: 6’7

Race: Undead, Reborn as a Reaper

Distinguishing Marks or Characteristics: A black “mask” type tattoo around his eyes, three straight lines between his bottom lip and chin, both eyes have a vertical line from his hairline to his eyelids, both hands are pitch black (blighted) and dark bruise-like marks fade up to his shoulders. Usually wears leather gloves to cover his hands. His throat, shoulders and the joints in his arms and legs all have dark scars (think where jointed dolls have their joints), three ring clacker in his septum, plus various other facial piercings

Personality —

Greatest Strength: His empathy. He loves animals and goes out of his way to make others feel accepted.

Greatest Weakness: His empathy. Often times he absorbs too much of everyone else’s moods and energy and will fall into a depression.

Soft Spot: Onyx

Mannerisms: horrible about making ill-timed, corny jokes whenever there’s tension around. One of those people who greatly overshares and trauma dumps without realizing. Because he’s a reaper and sees death constantly, he’s completely desensitized towards it, often resulting in comments/work stories that make others uncomfortable.

Miscellaneous Trivia —

Always has what appears to be the spirit of a Raven that flies around him or sits on his head/shoulder. She can dematerialize to be invisible, although she can be heard through the veil. actually a spirit who’s wandered earth, lost for so long their soul had deteriorated substantially and they are only able to materialize a small portion of their original form, unable to pass through the realms to reach thier afterlife. They choose to take the form of a semi translucent raven and has been with Zeroh for as long as he’s been a reaper.

He died at the age of 27 by drowning, and even as an immortal he still tends to get anxiety around bodies of water.

Because it’s crafted by shadoweavers*, his scythe can be transferred through the veil whenever it’s not in use, making it disappear, and can be retrieved again from anywhere whenever it’s needed.

* Kriia’s clan crafted his scythe, where he met and became close friends with her, Blythe and Freya.

Sneeze Content —

ALLERGIES

Dogs

Almost anything small and fuzzy like Rabbits, Mice, Ferrets, etc.

Photic (traveling thru the veil as means of transportation/teleportation triggers a few photic sneezes as he rematerializes from the light it generates)

How severe are they?

Extreme. Even though he’s allergic, whenever called to a soul in need of escort and it happens to be an animal he’s allergic to, he still will treat it as he does the rest, often times holding the animal to his chest as he walks to their destination.

Do they get sick often?

Doesn’t typically get sick because of his lack of a beating heart, therefore a nonexistent immune system, although it’s not impossible.

How bad is it usually?

Although it only ever lasts a day at most, it’s almost always severe, and when it’s at its worst, his skin can leak black ooze, and passing through the veil isn’t possible until his health is restored.

Do they stifle?

Sometimes, but it isn’t a regular occurrence.

How loud are their sneezes?

Usually they’re more harsh sounding than loud sneezes if they’re from his allergies, but sneezes from an illness can become extremely loud, often causing Amara to hide in the veil to protect herself.

What do they sneeze into?

Often his hands. If he’s wearing his cloak, he sometimes uses fabric of the sleeves and/or collar.

How often do they sneeze?

Often. With the number of reapers dwindling and Alistar’s laziness quickly increasing, his case load is extremely full. There’s only 3 reapers in a 100 mile radius, meaning he often came in contact with animals he’s allergic to, as well as teleporting home which also causes him to sneeze.

How many times do they sneeze in a fit?

2-3 in a fit is pretty typical, although sometimes he’ll get stuck in a drawn out fit of 6-10 over a 10 minute span.

Do they have build-ups or are they sudden?

Drawn out fits can have build ups, otherwise they’re pretty sudden.

Do they sneeze in public?

He doesn’t like a ton of attention, but he’s very unskilled at holding back so he just accepts it. Gotta do what’cha gotta do, right?

Often he’s even sneezing every few sentences throughout the entire walk to heaven with animals that trigger his allergies.

Some examples of their sneezes?

Hh’EHTSSChh’uu!

Hh’TSCHHh’iiew!

Huh’TSSCH’uuh!

Hhh’AHTCHh’iew!

hh— huh’AHTSSCHHh’iew!

Backstory —

‪In life, he was a seasoned thief/con artist that scammed and cheated his way through life, selfishly screwing over anyone he could for a quick buck. After a few years, he’d ruined more lives than he could keep track of, although he didn’t care to. After a freak accident that prematurely ended his life, his soul was condemned to the underworld for his actions on earth. There, he begged Lucifer for his forgiveness and to be spared from eternal torture, to which the devil had two conditions: 1. His hands were blighted, and anyone to touch his bare hands would die instantly, and 2., Because of the Anti-Christ’s laziness, more Reapers were needed to be sent out to retrieve souls for him. Zeroh agreed, and he became a reaper, an entity that is permitted between all three realms, in charge of collecting the souls of any living creature on earth and escorting them to their designated afterlife. He wears leather gloves to avoid touching anyone accidentally After his rebirth as a Reaper, Zeroh fell in love with a human man and was in a 15 year relationship with him. One night, he fell asleep without his gloves, and when he rolled over to spoon with him in his sleep, his blighted hands touched his skin and he was killed instantly. It greatly effects him still, making it second nature to keep other people at an arms length, especially romantically. His lover’s soul was stranded for a few hours until he finally woke up, and when Zeroh discovered what had happened, he sobbed for a few minutes before having to walk hand in hand for the very last time with his boyfriend up to heaven, somewhere Zeroh would probably never get to go. It made him swear off relationships as to avoid prematurely ending a life, and saving himself the heartbreak of losing another person. He used to be someone selfish and apathetic towards the world around him but becoming a reaper and being the last conversation many souls ever had was sobering and reformed him. ‬

He is always accompanied by a raven spirit that he dubbed Amara, meaning “Blessed without end or demise.” While they appear as a crow, they are actually a spirit who’s wandered earth, lost for so long their soul had deteriorated substantially and they are only able to materialize a small portion of their original form, unable to pass through the realms to reach thier afterlife. They choose to take the form of a semi translucent raven and has been with Zeroh for as long as he’s been a reaper.

Reference Sheet —

(Coming soon~)

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wolf-m4sc · 4 months

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i don’t know if it’s offensive for me to say this but. i’m not usually into women but dammmmmn. i am also very much a little bunny rabbit with a thing for big scary wolves 🥺 i think of my boyfriend as a wolf. idk am i oversharing rn 😭😭😭

Bunnies like wolves what can I say

#my asks #mutuals

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dani-sdiary · 1 month

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Vagina Insecurities!

This, like any story worth telling, is all about a an adult woman with the sex drive of a 13-year-old boy (Did you catch the Spiderman reference?). It is also one that no one asked for. This is an extreme overshare about my self-esteem, body, and sex life (sex death?), and why I'm still a virgin despite being hornier than a teenage methhead rabbit. Yeah, I want to have sex. Fucking sue me. I want to date, I want to fall in love, and I want to be railed. There it is. Let's talk about it!

I don't hear songs with lyrics like "pussy so good, I say my own name during sex" or "kitty on fleek" and think "yeah, me too. I totally get where you're coming from. This song really resonates with me because my kitty is, in fact, also on fleek."

I hate every part of my body, but especially those parts. My pussy is all lopsided. (There's a sentence that's never been typed before). My right labia minora (my right, not someone who was facing me) is more than twice as long as my left. It's too dark and while I'm all for bell bottoms and Fleetwood Mac, I could do without my thick, PCOS pubic hair (that extends to my stomach and thighs) being '70's style. I'm perfectly healthy and luckily I've never had any kind of infection, but my natural smell is just awful, and whole-body deodorant only seems to irritate my skin and make it worse. I follow all the rules religiously: just soap and warm water, "breathable" cotton underwear, yogurt and cranberry juice, but that's just the way I am. I smell terrible. Not unhealthy, just bad. Absolutely unbearable.

I hate my breasts because they're too small and look like they've already withstood 90 years of gravity instead of just 18. I'm a 34B, which is fairly average and would make sense if I were thinner, but is really unproportional at my weight. I feel like, being my size, I should be a C at least, but I carry all my weight in my stomach and not in my curves. My areolas are too dark, too big, and have these weird bumps on them, almost like acne. My entire chest is covered in dark hair, not just a few pluckable strays around my nipples, but my whole breasts and my sternum, along with every other square inch of my body.

My breasts act like cranky old neighbors in a vicious feud that started as mild annoyance over Left's dachshund always getting into Right's backyard, but escalated into flat-out suburban warfare, complete with brutal rhododendron sabotage. I'm the granddaughter trying to coax them into talking out their differences, but I just can't convince them no matter what I do. They stick out (barely) the wrong way- away from each other and down rather than up and straight ahead like they're supposed to. They're called headlights for a reason, but with these, I'd crash right into the car in front of me and end up totaling both of us.

I'd overshare on the internet about my 2-dimensional ass, too, except there's nothing to say. If you only saw me from the back, you would think I had gone through a car compacter. I am the "before" picture in the commercial for BBLs. I don't have a feminine shape. There is zero difference between my waist and hips.

I would feel so ridiculous in lingerie, like I was an actor in a silly skit. I bought some nice underwear just for me, hoping it would make me feel a little more confident even if no one else was going to see it, but it's just putting lipstick on a pig. Even wearing a nice dress feels so strange and pointless to me, because nothing I do could ever make me look on the outside like the woman I feel like on the inside. I feel like I don't deserve nice clothes and that I can't justify spending time or money on my appearance. I'm trying to move away from that, but it's an uphill battle when everything I've ever heard about bodies that look like mine are that they should be hidden, that they're something to be ashamed of, and that they're completely undesirable. I would like to think of myself as beautiful, and maybe I'll get there someday, but thinking of myself as sexy just feels impossible. I wish my body were my own. I wish my opinion about my body was mine. I wish that I belonged to myself. If you can relate to any part of this in any way, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm a total pussy when it comes to sex (ha. ha. ha.). The thing that's holding me back is fear. I am so, so scared. I'm scared I would get hurt. I'm scared adding physical intimacy into the mix would make a bad breakup a thousand times worse. I'm scared he would tell horror stories about the ugliest girl and the worst lay of his life to his friends, his future girlfriends, for their entertainment and sympathy. I'm scared he would compare me to his past girlfriends and regret breaking up with them. Most of all, I'm scared he would laugh. I'm scared he would see my body and be disgusted but amused. I'm scared he would think of me as a car crash: so horrible you can't look away. I'm scared he would find me morbidly fascinating.

I don't have sagely advice on this one. I'm insecure, and I know I shouldn't be, and I don't want to be, but I am. And it's holding me back from doing something I really (really) want to do. I guess I just wanted to be honest. I may be a crock pot, but if you're patient, I can burn just as hot as a microwave.

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chemicalpink · 7 months

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ଘ(´•×•)⊃━☆ a (not so brief) life update

In case you've been wondering where I've been cause by now we all know I tend to just disappear.

A few days ago I felt like oversharing a bit for anyone interested, I feel like getting to this point of sharing is due and will allow me to stop this irrational fear of the internet that I have somehow developed as it tallies to my accountability on this blog.

So hang tight! Cause this is about to be a wild ride...

I'm not regressing to the very beginning cause this isn't about to be a therapy session but I will go back to the near beginnings of this account during the pandemic.

A little before lockdown as I was asked to collaborate as a customs specialist for a pop-up store (which then I found out to be BTS') so I got into them after my job was done. A bit after going down the rabbit hole I started this blog, without very much planning into it, just merely creating a safe space for the people with whom could potentially like the same things I did.

A few months into it, as a last year International Relations student on my way to law school, and with a bit of sleep deprived courage, I applied for an internship at BH online, not expecting much since I barely knew Korean and was most definitely stuck at home in a whole different continent. But things surprisingly worked out, I didn't get paid at all but it was a great learning experience. BH became HB and I got to experience that from the inside, my day went like this: school from 7am to 5 pm and work from 9pm to 3am (sometimes more)

I obviously never got to work directly with any idols, my work was merely global and very much law related. Customs, contracts, negotiations with international enterprises. When the lockdown was done with, I was asked to move and become a permanent worker of theirs, so I did. However, it involved a lot of moving around so I wasn't exactly based anywhere and living costs are quite a thing. During this time I was also profiling myself as a diplomat, so it was in all of our best interests that I became outsourced.

Which brings us to a timeline closer to the present, the person that was in charge of contacting me for the gigs that I used to do for them suddenly quit and while I'm sure they were doing whatever was best for them, left me fending for myself during may-june. I came back home with my parents during june-july and networked for a bit– at least enough to regroup my possibilities so during august-september I was allowed to staff and collaborate (on a lower level) on some big concerts/tours.

During this time however (july-september) I was mostly reliant on my parents and coincidentally, their work slowed down by a lot. The rather small amount of money I got from working here and there was spent on my medical treatment (during july my doctor let me know that I needed to get diagnosed properly for lupus and by august my treatment costs were up by a lot) I tried picking up freelance tutoring (a pain, truly) and other small hustles that didn't require me to tire myself out too much since most of my days I spent aching all over, while also caring for my mother who had to have an emergency glaucoma surgery.

Oh and I cried and felt miserable during my birthday so.

I believe that's where we are at. I can't exactly get a job since I need to apply to an unpaid internship in order to graduate law school but I can't apply for an internship because one of my teachers just suddenly decided to fail me in their class (which means I need to pass it first) so I try to get by with small, low commitment hustles and now I'm picking up more seriously my ko-fi content. Which is why, I haven't been on here.

Those damned retrogrades hit me good ngl.

I do want to say though, I am not in a state of emergency, however, I am not living comfortably, but I'm trying my best to pick myself up and be nice to myself with the decisions I make and actions I take by the minute. While also trying to save up to go visit my 17 year old sister that has just moved away to study medicine.

I am grateful for what I have and I cherish you all that have remained close to me (even in this infinite nothingness that is the internet) and I hope you've been treating yourselves kindly during this time. If you'll have me, let's navigate the rest of the year together.

If this gains a lot of traction, I'm privating it lmao. I have no issue now talking about it since I'm no longer working there but I made those NDAs myself so I know what I'm up to.

#wow look shes back #life update

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