#prepare for autistic assessment | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chaotic-archaeologist · 10 months

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got a question for ya regarding sex and online safety.

Background; I am an adulty adult. I have been able to and have voted in more than 3 elections. [I know you take interactions with minors seriously]. I am also ace and autistic. as a result I have never felt the urge to date and I normally don't mind having friends close by.

However, I also just moved for the 4th time since 2019 and would like to meet people.

So I downloaded Grindr. already got my first dickpic lol. I have also been chatting with a fellow who I like and would like to be friends with and I also wouldn't mind exploring my kinks with people... but I have never had to worry about safe online sexy stuff before so I don't know the basics beyond normal internet safety.

What do I do‽‽‽

Okay first, thanks for clarifying the adulty part. This is an awesome question, and here's the advice/steps that I personally follow for situations like this.

Have your first meeting in a public place. Go for coffee or ice cream or lunch or dinner or whatever. But don't meet them alone. This way, if you get uncomfortable with anything that's happening, they're much less likely to continue with that behavior after you attempt to extricate yourself.

Make sure there are no expectations. Plan not to have sex on the first date/meet up. Grindr often tends to ignore this rule since it's very hookup centric, but you're absolutely within your rights to insist on taking things as slowly as you want to.

Don't rely on the other person for transportation. If you choose to meet someone, get yourself there and plan to get yourself back. Walk, bike, drive, public transportation, unicycle, it's all good. But there's much less room for pressure if you're not depending on them for a ride home. This segues nicely into my next point:

Do not tell them where you live. At least, not right now. Plenty of people on Grindr are willing to "host" meaning you can come to their place. That's fine for them, but I err on the side of never giving anyone my address until I've had a thorough chance to assess their character and meet them a few times.

Tell someone where you will be. Let someone who cares about you know that you're going out, where you'll be, and what time you expect to return. Establish a time to check in when you're going home/if you choose to extend the meeting. There are also apps like Noonlight that can function similarly.

Be careful about what you consume. If you're going to enjoy and mind alternating substances, be very, very careful. This goes for anything from getting drinks at a bar to any and all of the recreational drugs on the market.

Be prepared for a little bit of awkwardness. Meeting someone in person is often very different than chatting online. If the conversation is awkward or halting, that's okay. Give it a little time (but also don't be afraid to trust your gut if it's telling you something is wrong).

Communicate clearly. If you have any needs—which can range from an allergy, not being able to stand for long periods of time, needing them to speak loudly so you can hear them, safety concerns—the best way to get those met is to be upfront. You don't need to disclose the reason why you need something if it makes you uncomfortable, just state what you need. People worth spending time with will respect that. The same thing goes for your wants.

Use protection. Maybe this isn't applicable for you specifically, but I think it belongs on this list. Condoms. Dental dams. Gloves. Someone on an app telling you they're negative for any number of things is not an actual guarantee they're not lying to you. Not wanting to use protection (not just for anal/vaginal intercourse, but for oral sex as well) is a huge red flag. Decide in advance what your boundaries are and stick to them.

If it sucks, hit da bricks. Fundamentally, you owe this person nothing. There is no consequence for saying "you know what, I'm not feeling this and I'm going to leave." Be as polite as you want to, but put yourself first.

At the end of the day, the only thing you have control over is you. How you react, where you meet this person, what you do—that's what you control. Hopefully any meet ups will be fun and relatively safe, but just in case, set yourself up for success by maintaining what control you can.

From one adult to another, these are all suggestions rather than rules. Many people on Grindr choose not to follow various ones, and that's fine. Take some time to think about what you're comfortable with and make your decisions accordingly.

Also, best practice for someone sending an unsolicited dick pic (if you don't want them) is just to block that person. But sending a return picture like this one is a hilarious option.

-Reid

#he speaks #sex advice #sex education #internet advice #life advice #grindr #internet etiquette #internet brother

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ramshacklefey · 1 month

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Didn't wanna trample a joke so new post.

My fellow autistics,

Conventions of politeness are often arbitrary. They have a purpose though, which is to ease social interactions between people and conflict. Precisely what the rules are isn't always important, as long as everyone is following them.

In general they serve the purpose of forming a series of shorthand ways to indicate to others that you are friendly and willing to engage in prosocial behaviors.

This includes rules about what things it's okay to say to whom in various contexts. Yes, even when that means not saying exactly what you're thinking or feeling. Especially if what you're thinking or feeling is negative or would cause a conflict if said out loud in this moment.

If you flaunt these rules, you are being rude, even if you aren't harming anyone. That's the definition of rudeness, as opposed to meanness or cruelty.

There are circumstances when it is appropriate to violate these rules. Some rules are actively harmful all the time, and some rules you may decide can or should be trumped by other considerations about a given situation.

But even in these circumstances, breaking the rules is still rude. It still communicates to others that you are not currently trying to be friendly and prosocial and may even be trying to pick a fight. If the person you're interacting with disagrees with your assessment of the situation, they will respond negatively to your behavior. Depending on the circumstance, you may indeed be the asshole here, even if you're a justified asshole.

So, "I'm autistic" is not a get out of jail free card here. If you elect to ignore the rules, be prepared for a negative reaction. Be prepared to offer justification for your behavior. And if you do this regularly, be prepared for people to think you're kind of a dick and may not be pleasant to hang out with.

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largecucumber · 2 months

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19 and 20

19. Adam Zamoyski’s “Chopin: Prince of the Romantics” And I have the signed copy! 😚 I absolutely adore Chopin because I play the piano. The book is so well written, sometimes I forget that I’m reading about an actual real person. But some descriptions, the very gritty and depressing parts of his life, are so raw and emotionalllll gurlll I cried! 😭😭

20. Uhmmmmmmm. I have sooo many. Prepare! 🤭💕

The one and only, Johann Sebastian Bach! He’s incredibly talented like omggggg how does he even come up with all these amazing pieces of music?!? 😨😳 His genius is unmatched. There will never be another composer like Bach! I have dozens of portraits and stickers of him and even a t-shirt. Omggggg it’s so embarrassing 🙈

Glenn Gould, the quirky autistic Canadian Bach wizard! He’s so handsome even well into his older years. And he’s soooo eccentric, like you should read about some of his quirks, it’s really out there💀👀 Also, did I mention how talented he is?! He gets criticised a lot for his weird playing style and humming (sometimes singing) during his performances. I love it tho 😘 it really adds something to the records

Louis👏Nicolas👏Davout👏 How can you not like this absolute beast of a man?! Sure, he was a bit rough with his soldiers, but I like a leader who doesn’t fuck around! We need more men like him! I feel for him though. He really was the least liked out of all Napoleon’s marshals, I relate to that because my fam doesn’t like me even though I’m a girl boss 👹 Poor old Davout was just doing his best! Here’s a quote that he wrote to Berthier —

“I cannot help admitting to myself that often my exactingness and my severity alienate good officers from me even before they barely have time to assess my true intentions."

Ommmgggg 😭😢

Ahemmm…. As a student I kinda have a love-hate relationship with this guy. I’ve suffered so many sleepless nights because of him 👩‍💻📚📚📚 But without this guy we’d probably still have our children working 16 hours for absolutely nothing (we still do actually, it’s heartbreaking). His works literally had soooo much impact on history, it’s unbelievable.

And of course, how can we forget our hero!?! I wanna be like him soooo much it aches 😫 My family genuinely don’t understand my obsession with this man, like how could they not?!! His image is literally on the wiki page for the “Great Man Theory” — that individuals with certain traits are able to affect the course of history rather than it being due to some larger force or something I dunno it’s an IR/history thing I’m studying 😢

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my-autism-adhd-blog · 5 months

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Hey! I just found your blog and I love it, reading the posts you make is always so interesting to me!

I just went in to be assessed for autism, and I meet with the assessor again in a while to go over the assessment. I’m very anxious to go to this appointment, do you have any advice or second steps to what I should do in the meantime?

Hi there,

I would make a detailed list of traits/symptoms you think you are autistic. It’s been years since I was assessed as a kid, so I’m not really sure what happens myself. I did find some sources talking about assessments in more detail.

I really hope these help. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

#inbox #inbox reply #inbox is open

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itsaspectrumcomic · 5 months

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what should i do to prepare for my autism assessment? i am quite nervous. can you ten me about what will happen during the assessment? what can i expect?

It's hard to say exactly because each place seems to do assessments differently. For mine I was asked to fill out some questionnaires beforehand like the AQ10, as well as a very long form about my experiences as a child and now. My mum filled out a similarly long form because they wanted another person's perspective. In the assessment itself I was asked more questions about my childhood and my current traits, and they also asked me questions that would screen for other things such as bipolar or schizophrenia (eg, do you experience hallucinations) so they could rule those out. We only got halfway through the assessment before she told me she was certain I was autistic, but we did the whole thing anyway and then a few weeks later I got an official report with the diagnosis.

I recommend making a list of traits you feel you have along with examples, as well as any school reports, particularly from when you were young. You might not be asked for them, but it helped me to have them close to refer to if needed.

I know some people are asked to do activities (like the infamous frog book, I see people talk about having to describe weird frog pictures all the time and I'm kind of jealous I never got to see that), and some assessments can take several hours. I'd be interested to know what other people's experiences were like - put them in the tags if you're comfortable sharing!

#ask #anon ask #autism #actually autistic #neurodivergent #autistic #advice #autism diagnosis

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autisticlancemcclain · 2 years

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What are your thoughts on autistic Lance and adhd Keith? I’m neurotypical so I don’t have a lot of knowledge on these things, but I think I understand some reasons why u have those headcanons. I’d love to hear a more in depth explanation though!

Alrighty, so disclaimer: I am an English major. Not a doctor. I’m not diagnosing anybody, and I'm basing my thoughts on my own experiences, opinions, and this one dope venn diagram I found from a bio-psychology student (@tfw-adhd ). So take that as you will.

When you think of ADHD, most people think of two traits: impulsivity and hyperactivity. That’s of course not all there is to ADHD, but they’re pretty major parts! And most people in the fandom consider Lance to be the poster boy of ADHD. But when I asked you guys who the most impulsive character of VLD was, only one person said Lance. Every other person said Pidge or Keith.

And I have to agree.

In a lot of our fics, we associate the ‘fiery red paladin’ with Keith, in his split-second decisions and crazy things he pulls off mid-battle that always work out for him and terrify everyone else. When I asked you guys for your input, many of you said that while Keith and Lance are both impulsive, Lance is only really impulsive when he’s competing, or trying to prove a point — like when he and Keith drove their lions into the ground trying to race blindfolded. Keith, though, is impulsive a lot, and either doesn’t assess the risks when making a decision or has a tendency to take very big risks without question (like Naxzela, or when he left the team to chase after Lotor).

As for hyperactivity, each an every single one of you told me the same thing: Keith has allotted a certain amount of activity for himself for stress release, and if he fails to meet this quota he struggles to regulate his emotions. He trains regularly because he needs it to feel healthy and happy. Lance, on the other hand, is prone to more stim-like activity (like the GIF that goes around every couple of months where he’s lying on the ground and doing that bicycle thing with his legs).

So impulse and hyperactivity, the most well-known pillars of ADHD — so far we have Keith as the poster boy for both, and Lance for one.

The other most popular sign of ADHD, I would say, is disorganization. That’s definitely a mixed bag — organization is really subjective. But when I asked you guys which of the two had the most disorganised fighting style — something you do with very little preparation, when you have to make split-second decisions with the information that you have and the habits you’ve already formed — most of you said Keith. A fair argument was that Keith has such a disorganized or chaotic fighting style because he has a sword, and that’s inherently kind of messy, whereas Lance’s sniping/shooting requires a specific sort of particularity that requires him to be organized and steady.

I would like to argue that that’s the whole point. The bayards are a reflection of the paladins. They summoned these weapons because that is what they use best, that is what suits their fighting style best. Keith gets the sword because although he has some training, his thoughts are all over the place — he’s picking up on a hundred little details at once, thinking not only about the fight he’s currently having but about the fight that’s going to be next. The sword suits him best because it allowed for his natural disorder to be a huge advantage, rather than a hindrance. Whereas Lance consistently summons a long-distance weapon, and even a sniper rifle — a weapon that requires you to focus on one thing at a time, intensely, until the threat is eliminated and you can move on to the next thing. I have no doubts that Lance is constantly hitting targets and noticing new ones as fast as he can, but the whole point of a sniper is that you are lying in wait and hidden because you’re so focused on your one target that you can’t be in the open because you can’t defend yourself.

This level to detail translates outside of battle as well, for both of them. When I asked you guys who was more analytical, 33% (ish) more people said Lance than Keith. The general consensus was that they both have analytical skills, but Lance is better with small and fleeting details (especially when looking at common behaviour — think of the Rover incident, where he was the only one to recognise the dupe for what it was, or even how he was the first to see that Shiro wasn’t quite right). Keith is better at choosing certain goals and trying everything he can to get those goals — like with his quest to find out about his past; he had several different plans that lead to different outcomes (finding the energy in the desert to matching the symbols on his knife to pushing the Blades for answers), and used the information he got to think and overthink about what he was going to do next. While Lance tends to wait for as long as possible with his information until he can come up with the best possible solution (hence why he didn’t act immediately on his suspicions for Shiro and instead made separate note of all the different oddities), Keith tends to use his information immediately and then use the reactions he gets to piece together more answers (the knife incident at the space mall is a pretty good indicator of this specific process).

Okay. So far we’ve outlined a few specific behaviours for the paladins: Keith tends to be really impulsive, with chaotic decision-making skills and an ability to read the room very quickly and notice small, fleeting details. This is reflected in his bayard choice and the way he seeks out and analyses information. He doesn’t plan things out for the long term, and instead acts immediately on the information he has and forms conclusions that way. He has difficult assessing risk (or doesn’t take risk very seriously), is very focused on things he cares about, and when he’s understimulated or doesn’t make time for vigorous physical activity he becomes unregulated and emotional.

I would call that pretty textbook ADHD, although he certainly also has traits for ASD, and I wouldn’t write that off. But when I think of the more autistic of the two of them, I think of Lance, and I don’t think I’m alone in that.

Like ADHD, autism has some traits that are common in reputation: logic and routine. I went over analysis already with you guys, with the conclusion that Lance is better with small details. Not only is that a common finding among people with ASD, but I also think that Lance’s ability to read people and identify when their behaviour is off is a very autistic thing to do. I know that people think that people with ASD can’t read social cues or human behaviour, and in my experience, I find that it just doesn’t come naturally. I do often miss social cues that some people find inherent — like knowing when someone is bored/annoyed with me and when to stop talking — that lead to ostracization (something Lance also faces frequently and has anxiety about, as I’m sure you’re all familiar with in regards to the ‘7th wheel’ debacle). But it was because of this frequent problem that I learnt to categorize micro-expressions and really small changes in behaviour. I had to learn them, because I didn’t recognise them intrinsically. Like you guys pointed out, and like canon has made clear, Lance is very good at identifying these behaviours. He knows when people are acting differently, based on details that may be unnoticed to someone who doesn’t struggle to read social cues and as such doesn’t frequently analyse behaviour. Also, I think Lance may also use obnoxiousness as a defense mechanism — unlike Keith, who gets defensive about his struggles to appear ‘normal’, Lance tends to butt in and annoy people on purpose (like when he interrupted Allura when she was about to list the common traits of a blue paladin) so that he has more control of people’s perception of him. If he grew up struggling to understand why people found him weird or annoying, it would make sense that he would be annoying on purpose so at least he understands why people think of him the way they do.

Going off that — Lance frequently needs justification for things. He needs there to be a reason, he needs to explain things that may not be explainable. I didn’t pose this question to you guys, because I forgot, but I think Keith is more emotional and Lance is more logical, in only that Keith seems to allow himself to feel his emotions (he is the one to tell the other paladins that he is honoured to have served with them, he is the one to frequently and plainly express his anger or frustration, he is the one to outline to Shiro in no uncertain terms that he does not want to be leader because he doesn’t feel ready, etc. Keith is very in tune with his emotions and feelings, he just is also very uncomfortable with people and isn’t sure if he can trust them enough to express himself). Lance, on the other hand, frequently has to explain away his emotions. He feels strongly towards Keith and has a common urge to be near him or talking to him? It must be a rivalry, and he must do everything he can to keep this rivalry going so he can continue to justify his desires. He feels left out and abandoned? He must count himself as a seventh wheel and assign each paladin to a lion and a value in Voltron so that he has a reason to feel left out. He’s jealous of Lotor? He has to convince himself that Lotor is all, 100% evil, so that jealousy doesn’t come from nowhere. Lance does not allow himself to do anything without explanation. He has to have a reason for everything. Everything has to make sense. Everything has to be logical.

His struggle with his own emotional response to things mixed with his intense need to be loved and be social also leads to a lot of misunderstanding and mistakes within his relationships. When I asked you guys whether Keith or Lance is more likely to make a social blunder, most of you said that both of them are socially awkward but Lance puts himself in more social situations and so he makes more mistakes by volume. I’m of the same opinion. Lance wants to be social and understand people and fit in with people, he’s just not very…good at it.

One thing Lance is good at, though, is routine, and about half of you agreed with me on that. Both Keith and Lance have several rituals/routines that are important to them (as previously mentioned, Keith’s training schedule is important for him to help regulate his emotions and keep himself stimulated), but Lance has more routines, and seems more particular about them. The best example would be his skincare routine, which he mentions more than once and expressed agitation when the routine was disrupted. Also, in the few canon shots we have of him sleeping, he has a very specific set of mannerisms (music, eye mask, sleep mask, pajamas, slippers, robe, must sleep for a certain amount of time for said 'beauty sleep') and complains both in the show and in other canon materials (like the Voltron handbook or the comics) when this doesn’t go as planned. Whereas Keith literally sleeps in his boots and seems to be fine dropping wherever.

ASD and ADHD are very similar. They share more symptoms/behaviours than they oppose, so you can certainly choose whatever feels right for you. But I do find it strange that Lance is almost always the one with ADHD and Keith is almost always the one with ASD, when in both fanon and canon (Keith is the impulsive one with poor planning skills, reliant on physical activity for regulation, low sense of danger and high tendency towards risk, low motivation for tasks he doesn’t care about; Lance is the one with all the wacky plans, who reads behaviour exceptionally well but makes frequent social blunders, specific about several rituals and routines, takes people at their word), their characters show the exact opposite. I just think that somehow in the start of the fandom, we switched them around and just rolled with it. But I love subverting fanon expectations, and I am happy to die on the ASD Lance and ADHD Keith hill!

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entrapdaknation · 5 months

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Taking the leap

After several years of strongly suspecting that I was autistic, I took the leap and scheduled an autism assessment for May. For followers who have gone through adult autism assessments, what can I expect, and what are good ways to prepare?

I'm in the process of outlining reasons why I suspect I'm on the spectrum, such as lifelong social difficulties, stimming, etc., as well as reasons why I suspect that my parents may have been on the spectrum too. I tried to secure copies of my files from preschool and elementary school, thinking that teachers may have made notes about unusual behaviors or challenges. I was unsuccessful, but I can make do without them.

#autism #autism spectrum disorder

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autism-unfiltered · 7 months

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what should i do to get an autism screening as an adult?

my centralized hospital system only screens children, and i have no idea how to find someplace that does adult ones online. it's really intimidating ;-;

I understand that seeking an autism screening as an adult can feel daunting, especially when the resources seem scarce. Here's how you can approach this situation:

Research Specialists: Look for psychologists or neuropsychologists who specialize in adult autism. Many professionals who diagnose children also work with adults, or they can refer you to someone who does.

Healthcare Provider: Contact your primary healthcare provider for a referral. They often know about local resources that aren't widely advertised.

Autism Organizations: Reach out to autism advocacy organizations or support groups. They can often provide a list of resources for adults seeking a diagnosis.

Online Directories: Use online directories of healthcare providers. These can often be filtered by specialty and even by those who offer services for adults on the autism spectrum.

Insurance Company: If you have health insurance, contact your insurer. They can provide a list of in-network providers who can perform adult autism screenings.

University Clinics: Check if any universities near you have psychology or psychiatric clinics. They sometimes offer assessment services, including for autism.

Prepare: When you find a provider, prepare for the appointment by noting down any traits or experiences that make you believe you might be autistic. This can include sensory sensitivities, social communication challenges, or repetitive behaviors.

Remember, seeking a diagnosis is a brave step towards self-understanding and should be done at a pace you're comfortable with. Take your time, and don't hesitate to reach out to online communities for support during this journey. They can be incredibly supportive and often have members who've been through similar experiences and can offer guidance.

#autistic #neurodivergent #autism spectrum condition #acutally autistic #neurodiversity #autism #feminism #self love #actuallyautistic

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hauntedselves · 11 months

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therapy yesterday (tw: health anxiety, specifically heart-related; contamination OCD)

so i probably have health anxiety. i've been having some physical symptoms which led me to get an electrocardiogram (ECG) and then a 24hr ECG - and of course i didn't have any symptoms during, only before and after 🙄- but i talked to my psych about how i get all obsessive over it (e.g. i get palpitations, i check what that could mean, i worry i'm having a heart attack, the anxiety causes the palpitations to get worse, the cycle continues). and turns out she wrote her masters thesis on heart-related health anxiety so literally the best person i could be talking to about this!

in typical health anxiety fashion i spent all of today researching health anxiety. i found a subreddit (r/HealthAnxiety) and reading their posts has been really helpful. i also found a workbook on health anxiety so i'll read that.

the thing to remember is that i'm still here. like... i've had many episodes of these heart symptoms and i'm not dead.

of course though, all the symptoms of a heart attack are the same as symptoms of anxiety & panic attacks. which makes it hard! but then the trick is to wait, as hard as that is. if you're really having a heart attack, your body knows. panic attacks are awful but they won't kill you.

if i had been assessed as a kid, i reckon i would've been diagnosed with OCD (and painfully obvious autism lol). i read Roald Dahl's autobiography when i was a kid and he wrote about having appendicitis which scared the shit out of me. obviously treatment and prognosis of appendicitis is way better in 2023 than it was in the early 1900s lol. but if i felt any amount of abdominal pain i'd be mentally running through the symptoms of appendicitis and freak myself out over it. (a small reason why i got a hysterectomy was so that i'd be 100% certain that i could never get a ruptured ovarian cyst, or endometriosis, or cervical cancer, etc.).

i was also obsessed with (and terrified of) natural disasters. i'd memorised all the cloud shapes and patterns and what they meant and i was always analysing the clouds to make sure a tornado wasn't about to happen (worth noting i live in a part of the world where tornadoes literally do not happen). or i'd see a mountain that was vaguely pointy and i'd be like, oh shit what if that's a volcano. or i'd be at the beach and be obsessively checking the sky and sea to make sure i'd be prepared if a tsunami were to happen (again, there's no volcanic activity here or tsunamis). bushfires do happen and can be pretty severe (our house came close to burning down a few times) and i still fixate on them during bushfire season but definitely not to the point i did as a kid.

i also went through a phase were i'd never be sure if i washed my hands after going to the loo, so i'd go back to the bathroom multiple times to wash them again. classic OCD there.

my psych and i theorise that these anxiety/OCD-like symptoms are the result of autism and trauma (as everything seems to be in my life lol). it makes sense - a little (undiagnosed) autistic kid in a chaotic, unstable environment hyperfixates on control and uncertainty (OCD)... and develops a fear of pain and death. an injury can be controlled, there's a process and uniformity to it (e.g. you cut your finger, so you wash it and get a bandaid, and over time it heals). an abusive environment is unpredictable and can't be controlled, so you focus on what you can control (and dissociate from the rest). once again, i have to wonder how much easier and better my life would be if it weren't for all the trauma lol...

#dogpost #personal #hs' anxiety #health anxiety #illness anxiety #hypochondria #the dr thought it might be mild serotonin syndrome (tho unlikely) so i had to stop my anti-anxiety meds ironically #obsessive compulsive related disorders #somatic symptoms #hypochondriasis #ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #in my unprofessional opinion i think HA is a type of OCD (it has obsessions (health) & compulsions (checking & reassurance))#also the queue has run out so i'll be not very active for a bit while i get through my drafts and fill up the queue again

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bootstrapparadoxed · 3 months

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FrankensteinWIP - intro

Working title: „Offspring of Unhappy Days”

Genre: adult literary horror

Subgenres: dark academia, queer romance, grounded sci-fi

Themes: academic fraud and ethics, co-dependent relationships, PTSD, fear of death, loneliness, disability/neurodivergency, trans/queer experience in Eastern Europe

Comps: “Leech” by Hiron Ennes, “These Violent Delights” by Micah Nemerever, “Secret History” by Donna Tartt

Protagonist: Kristian Kalina, PhD student, late twenties; trans, queer, autistic; he/him

Short description / pitch:

When two researchers discover a horrifying truth about consciousness and death, their obsessive devotion to each other pushes them to do the unthinkable.

Setting: Kraków, Poland; a fictional institute dealing with several branches of biology situated on the outskirts of the city

Word count: 35k/100k, in drafting stage

First line (after prologue): In our labs, we are small gods, clumsy architects of nature.

Blurb and excerpt under the cut. Reply or reblog with a comment to be added to the tag list!

Blurb:

Kristian is a PhD student at the end of his rope. His scholarship is running out, his supervisor won’t let him defend, and he’s stuck at a third-rate institute with no support. As a last resort, he applies for an assistant position in a newly funded project – and ends up being the only candidate.

A connection quickly develops between him and his new boss, Leith. The two bond over their shared interests, and shared trauma. Soon, the platonic affection transforms into hungry romance. Somewhere deep down, Kristian knows that their love is more of a sick coping mechanism, but is unable to stop himself.

The tension rises when they accidentally discover a gruesome truth about brains, consciousness, and death. Any other scientist would announce this to the world and step away. Kristian and Leith conduct their experiments in secret, pushing the boundaries of ethics to advance the research. And their unquestioning devotion to each other is about to lead them into much darker places.

Excerpt (from chapter 4):

In order to fully assess the effects of a treatment (drug, pollutant, living condition, induced mutation, etc.), a scientist often needs a sample of tissue that has been washed of all unnecessary materials. A clear cut of brain, liver or intestine is best viewed when it has been infused with a fixative before being placed under a microscope. One way to achieve this is transcardial perfusion. I have performed it many times, preparing tissue samples for pathology comparisons. The protocol runs as follows: the animal is anesthetized but kept alive, after which the body is restrained, chest cavity opened, and a major blood vessel is connected to a supply of fixative. The animal’s still beating heart then does the job for you, carrying it to every point, through every capillary, until finally there is no blood left and the heart ceases to beat.

I had never gotten used to it. I am not a squeamish person and the sight of blood, urine, feces, pus, or any other biological substances does not disturb me. Many biology students deal quite well with formaldehyde preserved specimens but falter at freshly sacrificed animals. One young man had described to me the acute drop in blood pressure he felt the first time a dead rat had been placed in front of him. It wasn’t the sight (fluids, viscera, the undigested contents of the rat’s stomach) but the realization of such recent death. The tiny body still warm, motionless. Perhaps the human mind begins searching at once for the causes, and fears the proximity of whatever had killed another animal (and may be searching for its next victim). Regardless, the ability to deal with this horror is what often sorts students into specialties. Luckily, there are plenty of areas in biology that don’t require you come in contact with living vertebrates at all.

What I always wondered is whether it was possible to do transcardial perfusion on a human. Could one take a person, still living, put them under and replace their blood with some sort of protective substance? Perhaps a solution that would allow them to be frozen, preserved in a box like a packet of fish sticks, waiting for a better time. Keep them on the verge between life and death for decades to then defrost them and pump four liters of blood back into their body. Would the brain survive such a process? Would the mind? Could someone do this to me at the shortest notice and keep me asleep until S. would retire (or die) and someone else would be placed on his cases, so that I could graduate at last?

#wip intro #writeblr #writers on tumblr #wip #frankensteinwip

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silverfox66 · 5 months

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My diagnostic trajectory starts next week, and I am already feeling very nervous. It's going to be such an intense process, mentally. When my gp said to me that I am most likely autistic, that made me physically sick for a day. The assessment is going to be tough.

I am so not mentally prepared for all this 🫠

#Autism

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musingsofanaroace · 3 months

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Realizing I Had Autism

When did I suspect I had autism? In 2008, I had an interest in reading memoirs. One day, I came across Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison at my local library. While reading it, I noticed that many of his autistic traits matched with my unexplained and unusual behaviors.

My interest in memoirs quickly morphed into an interest in autism or Asperger’s as it was known then. I related heavily with people who had this neurodevelopmental condition but not completely, for alas, the term AuDHD didn’t exist yet.

At the time, I came to the erroneous conclusion that I didn’t have autism. It wasn’t until SciGuys did an episode on it that I realized I definitely had it. No doubt about it! Not long after that revelation, I went through the arduous process of getting an ASD assessment.

youtube

What traits of autism do I have?

Note: In this post, I will cover some but not all of the autistic traits I have. If I mentioned all of them, this post would be too long!

I’ve always had problems with oral communication. I take things literally and don’t know when someone is joshing with me. I also have a hard time figuring out facial expressions and how those translate into emotions. If you don’t tell me explicitly how you’re feeling, I won’t intuit it on my own. I also find that people often misunderstand me or find me rude, which I don’t get at all. I always try to be polite and friendly. People have also told me to smile or cheer up even when I’m happy.

I’ve always had an aversion to the phone even when talking to family and friends. I always have to script what I’ll say, and I’ll procrastinate making a phone call (even an important one) for hours or days. Once I’ve made the phone call and am speaking with someone, I have a hard time understanding what they’re saying. I definitely need subtitles or the ability to read their lips. I even social script before meeting someone in person for the first time. And job interviews are an absolute nightmare!

And even though it’s not true for all autistics, I’m the type of autistic who hates eye contact. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable like the sensation of bugs crawling under your skin. I also feel this way about hugs. When I know that someone expects or wants a hug from me, I have to mentally prepare myself. And this includes hugging family and friends.

I also struggle with emotional dysregulation. In this post, I’ll only focus on alexithymia. I have a really hard time describing or identifying my feelings. When I feel “not right”, I can’t immediately tell if its something like hunger or the start of an illness. And this lack of awareness makes it difficult to communicate my needs to family, friends, and medical professionals.

I also hate it when people ask me, “How are you?” or “How are you feeling?” Because nearly all of the time, I simply want to respond, “I don’t know. Give me an hour, and I’ll get back to you.” And its this lack of emotional awareness that leads to many of my shutdowns and meltdowns.

I also experience autistic inertia. It takes me forever to start a task, but once I do, I am that task until I complete it, or my timer goes off. And once one of those two inevitable events occur, I find it extremely difficult switching to the next task. And it’s very easy to get derailed. For example, as a kid, I would stay in the bathtub until my skin became wrinkled, or the water got too cold.

Another trait, I require routines to function and love making schedules even though my ADHD makes it difficult to stick to them. I’m also highly resistant to change, and even the slightest disruption in my daily routine or schedule will ruin me and disrupt my internal equilibrium. Every item I own has its place, and I become distressed when it’s moved or missing. Note: In nine out of ten cases, I can blame my ADHD. This is especially true for stores. When they move an item to a different location, I feel disorientated, which increases my anxiety. Shopping is already stressful enough without having the entire bloody store rearranged to make it even more so!

Now, I’ll discuss stimming. When concentrating (ie. Writing a novel.) I rock from side to side, which loosens the screws on my desk chair. (Sigh.) I always have to retighten them after every writing session. I will also play with the tags on my shirts or rub the cotton fabric with my pointer finger and thumb. When excited, I flap my hands and make a wee sound. I may also twist and clap my hands. And when at the ultimate level of excitement, foot stomping may commence. When frustrated, I used to pound the surface of my metal desk with my fists, but now I simply walk in circles flapping my hands and talking through the frustration. It may look bizarre, but at least I don’t injure my hands or risk broken bones.

I only stim when at home, and only really close family and friends have seen me stim. I’d feel too embarrassed doing it anywhere else.

Let's move on to the next trait: hyperfixation. When engaged in a specific hobby or interest, I become unaware of my surroundings or bodily needs. In that moment, only the hobby or interest exists and nothing else. That's why I have to set a timer beforehand, or I'll never stop. Since a kid, I've enjoyed writing stories and playing PC puzzle games. I also have an interest in dinosaurs and ancient civilizations. Don't get me started on any of these topics, for once you do, I won't shut up. It's full steam ahead!

Before addressing the final trait, I would like to discuss a few of the autistic traits I displayed as a child.

When I was a toddler, I liked watching the clothes as they tumbled in the dryer and the rain as it slid down the windowpane. I didn’t like dishes that combined too many different food types and would spend several minutes deconstructing it into its individual parts before taking a single bite. I also hated spoons and would only eat with a fork. If I had to eat soup or cereal, I would simply drink it.

I also had delayed speech and didn’t start speaking until I was three. At first, I would simply repeat what other said. And only after several sessions of speech therapy did I finally form my own words and sentences.

In Kindergarden, I enjoyed playing by myself. I would spend playtime color coding these cardboard bricks before lining and stacking them up. Each row a different color. I also liked to line up my toy cars and plastic dinosaurs. When a bit older, I would display my toys rather than play with them. When my sister touched them, I would become agitated and annoyed. For each toy had a specific place on my self, and it belonged nowhere else.

In primary school, I had unusual interests. I hated cartoons and would only watch game shows or documentaries. The only animated films I watched were those produced by Disney or those related to my special interests.

And now, I'll address the final autistic trait I have: sensory issues. In regards to sight, I find everything too bright. The world contains too many headlights, fluorescent lights, streetlights, parking lights, and traffic lights. The two worse offenders are headlights mixed with rain, and the sun reflecting off of snow.

In regards to sound, I can’t stand sudden, high pitched noises such as sirens, alarms, or fireworks. The Fourth of July is the worst holiday in my opinion. I also have difficulty in crowded spaces where there are too many people conversing simultaneously, or when I’m assaulted by multiple environmental and manmade noises at once.

In regards to smell, I can’t stand the scent of tar, coffee, body odor, or certain perfumes/colognes. And contrary to popular belief, I don’t become accustomed to these offending odors over time. Instead of decreasing in intensity the longer I’m exposed to them, the opposite happens. I become even more aware of them, and thus they become even more offensive to me.

In regards to taste, I can’t stand when my food contains too many spices or condiments. I therefore eat and enjoy pretty bland dishes.

In regards to texture, I can’t stand the feel of Brussel sprouts, peaches, or meat in my mouth. I also need to wash my clothes in fabric softener before I wear them for the first time. This makes trying on clothes before I buy them difficult.

In regards to proprioception, I’m always bumping into things and getting bruises with no known origin. As a kid, I really struggled learning how to ride a bike without the training wheels and didn’t accomplish this feat until I was ten. I also struggle with writing neatly, tying my shoes, roller skating, bowling, miniature golfing, skipping rope, and playing ball sports. I also don’t seem to have a sense of effort or heaviness. As a kid, I unintentionally broke many pens and pencils. And I’m constantly surprised by how heavy or light something is.

In regards to interoception, I have a high pain tolerance and an unawareness of my internal needs such as hunger or thirst.

And lastly, in regards to vestibular, my balance is atrocious. Don’t ask me to walk a straight line, cut on the line, or color within the lines because I will not be able to complete these simple tasks.

And this concludes how I realized I had autism. If you have anything to add, please leave it in the comments. Until next time, take care and stay curious.

#autism #autism spectrum disorder #personal essay #audhd #sci guys #neurodivergent #Youtube

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