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agustdiv1ne · 3 years

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thank you + milestone!!

damn, never thought we'd get here, did we?

in all honesty, it's been a pretty shit year. march 'til now has felt like the same month on repeat with tiny tweaks to make it all so much worse. but i'm not here to complain about the worst parts of this year, i'm here to celebrate the best ones.

this was the year that i finally started writing, that i was finally spurred to open a google doc and just type away until a tiny work of fiction stared back at me. my first one was 1k words, a rant to get all of my emotions off of my chest with an idol as my muse. it felt...great, though it also felt a bit odd writing after being an avid reader for years. i always did prefer essays to creative writing, but this year definitely changed that perspective.

i wrote that first blurb along with another fic in late july, and in early august, i asked my friends if i should post them. om august 3rd, i changed this blog from a fic rec to a fic writing blog just like that. i regret none of it.

it's been nearly five months since i revamped this blog and i couldn't be more grateful for the support i have gotten from all of you, whether it be a kind comment, a like, a reblog, all of it. i never thought anyone would like my content, but i've been proven severely wrong by this community. from my irls that are on here, to my lovely mutuals and followers, to those i've talked to a lil bit on this hellsite, to the writers whose fics i absolutely adore, to those who have left a like or a comment on one of my fics, i want to say thank you from the very bottom of my heart ♡

have a happy and healthy new year! i love and appreciate every single one of you!!

though i'm painfully bad at writing letters and getting all sappy, i wanted to write them anyways hahaha let's goooo

to @hwaddict:

my irl best friend!! my partner in crime!!!! i love you sm carly, and there are not enough words in this world for me to describe the extent of my love. you have been there for me during my lowest moments, you've seen me cry, and i don't cry in front of many ppl. i trust you with my life and i'm so glad that we became friends back in middle school bc you are one reasons that spur me to keep going. i can't wait to see where life takes us and know that while i might not always be able to be there physically (especially with college right around the corner), i will always be there for you in any way i can be. again i love you and i can't wait to conquer next year with you ♡♡

to @hopejanaee:

hope!! hobi!!! one of my irls! though we just became friends earlier this year, it feels like we've been friends for ages. it's crazy how close we grew so quickly but i am so grateful to have you in my life. you never fail to make me laugh whenever we're together and you're so chaotic but in such a good way hahaha. you were the one who got me into writing with your own wonderful fics so thank yoi for that. i'm so happy that we became friends because you're so kind and caring and ahhhhhh i love u sm ♡

to @oikawasmilkbread:

we talked for like 0.2 seconds but you are so kind and hella cool!! it was nice having random conversations with you and i'm so glad you randomly dmed me bc i am shy and i have 0 idea how to start conversations with anyone lmao. i always smile when i see you in my notifs! i hope you have a happy new year!!! ♡

to @luthenia:

i know you're on hiatus but seeing you in my notifs always excites me hahaha. we never talk but you are so supportive of everyone in this community and i just wanted to shout you out for that! your memes are top tier LMAO and i can't wait for when you come back, happy new year ♡

to @starsforten:

we also talked for approximately 1 second but it was so fun talking to you about astrology stuff (virgo sun libra rising gang hahahaha) and those teuta matoshi dresses! you are so nice and easy to talk to and i hope your new year is happy and fruitful! ♡

i recommend every single one of these blogs for their amazing content!! i added some of my favorite fics as i'm a whore for great writing hahaaaa

@kinktae

waterloo — a masterpiece! taehyung is so bitter at the beginning and it's adorable seeing how y/n breaks his tough shell. loved this from beginning to the end ♡

hot rod — the 50s slang, the dynamic between hoseok and y/n...*chef's kiss*

@untaemedqueen

welcome to seoul land — werewolf!namjoon really got me going, 100/10 would recommend

graceful gods — this is one of my all-time favorites, greek god!jungkook has my brain going brrrr

@shadowsremedy + @therealmintedmango

support system — adorable!! this is a hybrid!yoongi fic i really enjoy, and the series isn't over yet! check it out~

@bratkook

tear you apart — demon!taehyung...holy shit. i was speechless

@tatertotthethot

the doms next door — THIS SERIES OMG, i've read each part at least five times already. taekook got me acting UP

scream (posted to @yandere-society) — a really cool take on the movie scream with jungkook, yandere fics don't always appeal to me but this one absolutely did

@ateezmakemeweep

broken — the immense ache i felt in my chest while reading this, but i loved both parts with a burning passion. san is so sweet in this :')

@atinybrew

dirty free for all — the ULTIMATE demon!san fic. the writing is absolutely immaculate and this is the first fic that had me blushing down my mf ARMS

rice milk lattes and bryophytes roads — another san fic admittedly because i'm whipped for san lol. anyways, this was cute and hot at the same time and best friend!yunho made my double biasing ass that much happier

@seacottons

pan — an adorable peter pan!hongjoong fic, it had my heart going achhfhsjfjsjf

sir kiss me — circus au with san holy hell i loved every twist and turn of this

@actuallythatwaspromise

bad romance — one of my favorite yunho fics ever, punk rock!yunho x nerd!reader has my entire heart

aurora garden center and desire ink — florist!mingi had me uwuing for the entire fic, this was adorable and i loved it sm

@yeonjuncore

every single fic on this blog is an absolute masterpiece, i swear

the devil's little angel — THIS IS ONE OF MY ULTIMATE FAVORITES, demon!yeonjun had me screaming and it was just so fun to read and i loved every single second of it so much that i've read it nearly ten times now. so go read it, you won't regret it!

the boy with the horns — another of my ultimate favorites (i told you, their writing is just that amazing), woodland fey!soobin just had me going so soft :(( i literally sobbed at one point, that's how invested i was

bleeding heart — the tension between vampire!yeonjun and vampire slayer!reader had me screeching

curtain call — i have a sad crush vampire!soobin

i love you, always — this felt so..bittersweet? taehyun loves y/n so much, i lowkey cried while reading this

@angelfic

the art of (mis)communication — i am a whore for both reconciliation and yeonjun, 100000/10 pls read this i beg of you

@angelictaehyun

growing pains — ahhh once again a yeonjun fic, my chest hurt a lil bit at some points but it was so sweet!!

@neovisioned

bed of spiderwebs — spiderman!mark has my heart screeching, i loved every second of it ♡

eddie ate dynamite — johnny suh coming for my throat yet again

cupid victorious — cupid!jaehyun :'))) definitely one of my favorites!!

@domjaehyun

quarantine chronicles — ok if you haven't read this or the part two yet then you're missing out big time!! the tension, the buildup, every single part of this fic was just *chef's kiss* but multiply thay by a million

all these years — every single moment of this felt so nostalgic and the ending was so sweet :')

@caiuscassiuss

muse — i keep going back to this one constantly, the angst in this phenomenal and i love artist!taeyong sm here

@neoct-zen

loverboy — HOT, AMAZING, I SCREAMED. the blurbs that accompany this are also top-tier i recommend reading each and every one!!

@moondustis

pink + white — i'm so soft for mark i stg, this was the cutest thing ever

@loviejaehyun

can't avoid this feeling — hockey player!mark is the best thing ever

all tied up — i just- screamed as i read this bc professor!jaehyun is too hot goodbye

@hopejanaee

incapable — this is one of the best yoongi fics i've ever read ngl, it's not completed quite yet but the parts that have been posted are top tier!!

breathless — THIS. I LOVED THIS. yuta is just so hfjshhfhshfnsn and i love this sm

@hwaddict

melting point — big boy mingiiii, 100/10 would recommend

@okayau

house next to mine — frat boy!yeonjun rly got me going, cute and hot at the same time ahhhhbfnsnnf

youth — ADORABLE, yeonjun's confession is peak i love it here

run away — how many yeonjun fics can i fit in this post? (answer: a lot) definitely one of my favorite harry potter aus!! it was awesome seeing how their relationship changed throughout the years and perhaps i teared up a little at the end :'))

@starrychannies

baby steps — ONE OF ALL-TIME MY FAVORITE FICS ON THIS SITE, every single part is so well-written and ahhhhhfhdhhf chan makes me feel some type of way

my stupid — another yeonjun fic! angsty but v cute at the end :')

@baekhvuns

this youth of craziness — 40k words of pure gold, this fic is absolutely one of my favorite san fics ever!!

replacement — prince!ten makes my brain go brrrr, i love how the y/n just speaks her mind here

@masterninjacow

untitled project — i saw soulmate au with mark and i knew would already love it, and i did! pizza boy!mark at that, amazing and i adored it

more amazing blogs!!: @galaxteez, @poutybinz, @lustjoong, @bloominghigh

these are just a few of the fics and blogs i found this year, find more on my fic rec blog @agustdiv1ne-recs!! (my thumbs are starting to hurt i'm so sorry bfjshfhsh)

wrapping up each month since august since that's when i actually started posting LMAO

☆ august

03: good enough — chan

03: bloodsucker — seonghwa

04: cutie — san

09: veloxrotaphobia — mingi

19: want — changbin

21: numb — yunho

100 follower special — i reached 100 followers towards the end of august, my first ever milestone :') also my first ever time taking requests, 'twas very fun ♡

☆ september

03: on camera — jungkook

☆ october

27: oh, worm? — namjoon

31: demon days — san

☆ november

10: a letter to my love — xiaojun

23: bad for u — jaehyun

27: home sweet home — yeonjun

☆ december

christmas bash 2020 — my brain went hey what if you did this- and i listened so here's 17 holiday fics hahahaa (not all of them are out yet but i'm working on it!!)

things i plan to release in 2021!!

☆ sunflower — jimin

☆ cross — yeonjun

☆ landslide — seonghwa

☆ nice save — san

☆ red — hyunjin

☆ a secret series (that will be revealed once i plan everything) — ateez

☆ 4 unrelated secret fics oOoOoo — will i reveal them? you'll just have to wait and see ;)

there will definitely be more posted! these are the ones that are going to be my priority at first, but my imagination is always churning so expect a lot more :)) check out all of non-secret wips here!

i hit 500 followers a couple days ago! i nearly screamed when i saw that LMAO. thank you so much for liking my content because i work hella hard on it :') sometimes i feel like i don't deserve y'all really, but @hwaddict will yell at me if i say that so ig i take it back hfhshhdhg

a post for celebrating this milestone will come as soon as i finish up the rest of my christmas fics!! sorry that i'm so slow :( (hint: my requests will be open, so look out for it!)

so yeah!! that's it, sorry for the painfully long post (i'm sorry to my thumbs for typing this whole thing out </3). thank you to everyone who read this far!! i hope everyone has a happy and healthy new year, and in the words of txt's cover, fuck 2020. may 2021 be a much better year for all of us!!!

much love,

ashlee ♡

#i'm sorry if i missed anyone :((#j know i love and appreciate u a lot #it's j my thumbs are literally cramping up as i type this :(#2021 celebration!#happy new year y'all #lmk if any of links are wrong bc i will fix them asap

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sugoi-writes · 4 years

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ilomilo- Midoriya X Reader (BNHA)- Part 1

S-So, my usual content overs around fluff or n/sfw, but I came up with a loose concept that has a little bit of everything, including some angst! All characters are aged up to 20, and you have a quirk! I hope you enjoy part one of whatever musing this is! (I’ll think of a name later!) ~2.2k Words

Summary: You’re on the run with some stolen goods, and you’re injured mid pursuit. You don’t know if you should be relieved or terrified that a familiar hero intervenes. You aren’t willing to go down without a fight.

Quirk- Empath: An extreme mental/psychic link, that can force a person to experience forged (or the person’s) emotions/feelings. This can range from emotional distress to extreme phantom pains. This can hinder or cripple a user, but never physically hurt them. The quirk is initiated through eye contact instantaneously, and can last up to 5 minutes. The affects may dwindle due to outside interference (distractions or injuries to either party), or an incredible mental resistance.

The blaring sirens and the harsh licks of rain beating on your exposed skin were more than enough to keep you running. You desperately clutch your side, bleeding profusely as you try your best to shake off your pursuers.

Your satchel bounces haphazardly as you continue to bound down a particularly cold and damp alleyway. You grimace as you hear the dreaded phrase, “STOP RESISTING! FREEZE!” Like you had a choice to right now!

Bobbing and weaving between debris, shouting and gunfire, you manage to duck behind a dumpster. You sigh shallowly, shakily looking at your hand to find a thick masking of scarlet. You wouldn’t be able to keep running like this… you knew that. You fumble for your pistol, detaching the clip momentarily to find… you’re almost out of bullets. And this would definitely become another shoot out if you weren’t careful.

You take a hefty breath, your hand trembling as you grit your teeth. At the rate of your decline, you think that it may be for the best. If you were going down anyway, you needed to go down with a fight. Dying in an alleyway before getting back home wasn’t ideal, but you would rather go down in a blaze… versus bleeding out pathetically behind this dumpster.

Your prior fear for your life was over shrouded by pure adrenaline (you’d later blame your wound for that). You hear more shouting, egging you to come out with your hands up. You furrowed your brow, nodding as you psych yourself up.

When you hear a police officer warn you once more, you leap from behind the dumpster, readying yourself. But before you or anyone else could dare shoot a single bullet, a brilliant flash of green light invades your senses. You reel from shock as an astounding force repels in all directions backwards, forcing you to brace yourself. As the light dims, and you recover, you pale to a sickly shade. You had thought things were already bad, but you find out to your horror what had caused that impact.

Deku. Number One Hero, Deku.

You grimace in pain from your worsening wound, as green, soul-piercing eyes meet yours. But, instead of heated anger, or even hatred, you find… concern. Worry. This man, this hero… was concerned for you. Your ears ring as you watch Deku’s mouth move, barking something to the police force behind him. Dammit… you can already feel yourself weakening with each tremble.

As the tension seemed to thicken, it suddenly lessened. The officers lower their weapons (whether in fear of what Deku said, or to stop him from getting caught up in the crossfire, you don’t know).

Your gun fumbles out of your hands, clattering to the ground as you struggle to stand. Deku looks back to you as you cry out, his hands instinctively going to the defensive. He slowly advances towards you, and you know that he’s speaking to you, but you aren’t able to make out his words.

You fall backward, landing hard on your rear, clutching yourself as you try to slink further away from the green-clad hero. In a last ditch effort, you lock eyes with him once more, letting out a blood curdling shriek.

“ STAY AWAY, YOU BASTARD!!!”

Deku winces and bows, reflecting your instinct to stop the bleeding on his right side. Your quirk was working, and he should be feeling the shredded flesh and hot blood running from your gunshot wounds. Though he is clearly in pain, he manages a sincere smile, slowly advancing towards you. As you focus on him, sending waves of panic and intense pain through his core, you manage to catch some of his words.

“ Trust me… th-this… doesn’t have to end... l-like this. Nggh-- N...Not in this alley, not with...m-more bloodshed! I w-want to help you... But I can only help you… i-if you let me!”

You shake your head desperately, able to see that he’s reeling, but not hindered beyond that. You hear commotion from behind the emerald hero, but he barks at them again. There’s no flashes, no shooting… he’s holding the force back, with the intent to actually save you.

“ Surely, even you know… my dream is to save--ghh… e-everyone. Everyone that I possibly can. Even those... who feel they are h-hopele-- fuck…!... U-Useless and abandoned... Even down-trotten people... l-like you…”

You hear the hero rasp, wincing with each inhale as he speaks to you. You know that the pain is only doubling, as you’re focusing what little energy you had left to really make the man HURT. But… here he is, smiling… SPARING you.

You tremble, tears streaming down your face as you instinctively shield yourself, unable to move any further.

” St...Stay back… pl-please, I…. y-you can’t...”

You cry out again, falling onto your left side, your face meeting cool asphalt, “...you...can’t save… people like…. M-me. I’m… already--”

You feel warmth enveloping you where you previously felt your blood run cold. You manage to look up as you are lifted off of the ground to a weak but sincere smile. Your cheek rests on something firm, yet warm. As your vision swims, you notice the color green enveloping you, and scarred, strong hands supporting you. Deku lifts you as if you were delicate chinaware, keeping you close as your quirk begins to dwindle.

“ It’s alright, Y/N. I know you’re scared, but you’re going to be safe. I promise.”

Your eyes widen, as a sense of calmness rushes over you. You haven’t been able to feel your hands or legs for a while, and yet you feel a warmth budding in your chest. You know that Deku must feel it too, as a full, strong inhale makes his chest rise confidently. He sighs, turning around as your eyes are blinded by the blaring lights of an ambulance.

Deku softly cooes to you as the other voices and noises surrounding you bustle and violate your ears chaotically. You can hardly hear or see a thing as you’re laid out on a stretcher, and lifted into the brightly-lit vehicle.

“--sir! You can’t leave yet, we still need to file a--”

“Please. I’ll only be a little bit. I want to be sure she makes it safely. Besides… She’s gravely injured. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn't make sure she made it. Until then, Squad A- secure the perimeter. Make sure Squads B and C are taking testimonies and…--”

Your eyes flutter shut as the swarming voices and sounds of machinery fall onto deafening ears.

Slowly but surely, your senses dull and everything fades to black.

When you wake up next, you feel a dull pain radiating from your core, but not much past that. A bright, peaceful light fills the tiny room you’re in, and you blink a few times, unfamiliar with your surroundings. It is then you realize that you’re connected with an IV, your saline bag dangling above you.

When you try to sit up, a nurse with blonde locks walks by your cot, urging you to not make too much of a fuss. Using the bed’s control panel, she manages to help you sit up, the headboard and top part of the bed tilting up to support you. You glance around the small room, then to the nurse.

“Am I… at the (X) District… Hospital?” you groaned, your voice a bit dry as you struggle to speak. The nurse nods softly, smiling.

“Yes… but everything is already taken care of. The gentleman who brought you hear also visited and--”

You blink in confusion, narrowing your brow,” What…’gentleman’?” you questioned, dreading the answer that may follow.

“ I… to be honest, he was pretty reserved and covered up, but-- he came to visit while you were unconscious. You’ve been asleep for at least a day and a half. And looking at you, you probably needed the sleep!”

The nurse chuckles, and you reflexively probe at your dark circles, noticing that your bags weren’t as swollen as usual,” R...Right… but-- what happens… when I’m better?”

The nurse straightens her posture, as she picks up her clipboard, noting your vitals displayed on your monitor (you hadn’t even noticed the clamp on your index finger, checking your pulse).

“ Well, you’re… being transferred to a rehabilitation center, as recommended by the gentleman and your physician. You’ll be there for a while for treatment-- ahh, the flowers!”

You noted that the nurse seemed a little… spacey, for your liking, as you look to your bedpost, finding a small vase of yellow daffodils. Your brow raises, and your cheeks flushing at the realization you indeed had a visitor.

“T...Treatment… right,” your head hung slightly at this, before you stiffen,” W-Wait a sec, I have a friend at home actually-- th-they need at home care and-- please, you have to let me go home when I’m better--!”

You fumble around, looking for your satchel, before the nurse pats your knee,” Didn’t I tell you? Everything is taken care of. We have a nurse stationed at your house right now, and we put your friend on a plan to have her cared for everyday while you’re gone. With their condition, though, it wasn’t as life threatening as yours, so… they were able to stay home. We can assure you we’re working very hard to be sure they’re comfortable while you’re recovering.”

Your shoulders slump at this, and while you should be at ease that your friend is okay, something is nagging at you.

“I… I don’t have a lot of money, and sub-par health insurance. Between the rehab and a stay-at-home nurse, I… there’s no way I can pay for all of this… w-with all due respect,” you admit quietly, your chest feeling tight. That’s why… the satchel... It was full of medication to keep your friend stable, you… you would have rather risked your life than let your bank account or insurance hold you back.

The nurse sighed heavily, crossing her arms,” The gent that brought you? He has you covered. He paid for everything in full, up front. Your claims will still be noted on your insurance, but you’re already fully paid for. You don’t have to worry about anything. The bill, your friend, yourself… For this next while, it’s better to focus on recovery. Alright?”

You feel your chest clench again, knowing damn well that only a hero had that kind of money to cover those expenses. Midoriya…

You relax, letting your head rest on the pillow as the nurse finishes her vitals check, before she offers you another smile,” I know, right now… things seem confusing, and… really scary right now. But for now, just try and take things as they are, day by day. We will take care of your every need. And if there is anything you need, please reach out. Recovery is… difficult, but very humbling. And I think you’ll find that it’s very worthwhile in the end.”

You muse to yourself that the words seem to come from someone with experience to back up the claim. And in all honesty, you’re too tired to fight back or argue against it. You blink as the nurse smiles sweetly, showing you a toothy grin. You are a little shocked to see two sharpened canines smiling back at you, before the blonde hair nurse nods to herself.

“Well! For the moment, you’ve made some remarkable progress. With the amount of blood you lost… it’s astonishing you’re already feeling able to sit up.” She pulls something from her pocket, setting it by your gift and a full glass of water: medicine, thank goodness.

“Be sure to take this; you’ll probably need it to dull the pain. And if you need anything, just hit this button right here on your control panel.”

The nurse clutches her board to her chest after showing you your bed side controls, waving to you,” I have a few more patients to check on. But… I hope this was able to help clear your mind up a bit. Try to rest, if you can.”

Finally, the nurse turns on a small TV that’s mounted on your wall, handing you the remote. You nod and thank her quietly as she leaves you, alone. Your hand falls limp to your side, as you sigh deeply. This was… all such a relief and shock to you at the same time. This was so much to process, but like the nurse said, you figured it’s better to just take this one step at a time.

As you force yourself not to overthink, your eyes drift over to the flowers, glistening in the vase by your bed. You smile slightly to yourself, eyes fluttering to your window as the sun glimmers above a busy, bustling city. Daffodils… What was this guy thinking?

“You… must be in over your head huh, hero?” you muse to yourself, flashes of emerald and warm smiles flooding your thoughts as you zone out.

#tw: blood #tw: gun violence #tw: rehab #tw: hospital #this is basically a prologue just to see if you guys kinda like my flow #I promise I have some cute and maybe not so cute stuff planned for later!#can you guess who the nurse is?#bnha x reader #bnha fanfic #midoriya x reader #izuku x reader #x reader #no one asked for this but you're getting it anyway gdudhiuhs #sorry if this is a little too long or short;;;;#izuku midoriya x reader

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gayoperatorgunclub · 4 years

Note

Could you do the full list for your favourite operator?

sure! in case it hasn’t been made offensively obvious, i can perhaps be best described as a “doc stan” so, prepare yourselves for Him

1 (Their physical weak spots) - hrnggghhh Tummy. rub him on his fucking tummy and hear him purr!!!! can you tell that i am gay and i love him

2 (Their emotional/moral weak spots) - MURDER BITCH!!!!!! HE DOESN’T FUCKING LIKE DEATH!!!!!!!

3 (Scars or painful spots) - his goddamn neck sir please go to BED! you can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!!

4 (Best places to kiss on their body) - tummy tummy tummy tummy tummy also neck and Man tiddies. and perhaps Ass

5 (Guilty pleasures) - he loves stuffed animals. hidden in his closet is a pokemon fleece blanket (he thinks they’re cute and he likes cute things), concealing at least 20 different sized plushes (among them are Webkinz, pokemon, and a few little handmade ones he makes when he’s stressed)

6 (Their vices (physical or emotional))- cracking his fucking joints can someone please send him to a chiropractor or something this old man needs help

7 (Their tickle spots) - t u m m y. and neck. his giggle is so fucking cute men and women everywhere come running to ask for his hand in marriage

8 (Bad memories/experiences) - the thing that got his friends killed and made him and olivier hate each other. we all know the one. also that fucking moustache bro what were u thinking. who told you that looked good

9 (Humiliating memories) - THE FUCKING MOUSTACHE I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW TERRIBLE IT IS WHO TOLD HIM IT WAS A GOOD IDEA THEY NEED TO BE CUT OUT OF YOUR LIFE DUDE

10 (Fears/phobias) - moustaches, death, and chickens. he thinks they (chickens) can be very nice to look at from behind a screen where they don’t know he’s admiring their rotund bodies, but if he were to ever encounter a live chicken in his day-to-day life? there’s a non-zero chance he starts crying and leaps into the closest person’s arms

11 (Bad or petty habits) - he tends to be judgy in that way of “you know it’s their life i don’t have any say in what they do but who the fuck in their right mind wears that” he’s also among the highest-ranked passive-aggression users in the world. “well isn’t that special”

12 (Grudges and vendettas) - he has a personal vendetta against blackbeard’s fashion choices, and Has Not Forgotten the one time olivier beat him at monopoly. he will have his vengeance, just you wait, Flament

13 (What gets them flustered) - COMPLIMENTS!!!! YOU STUPID HUMBLE BITCH!!!! PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND YOU’RE TALENTED YOU NEED TO ACCEPT YOURSELF AND LOVE YOURSELF BITCH

14 (Ingrained habits/forces of habit) - he can and will fidget with anything in his hands, but he’ll do it with ~subtlety~

15 (What it takes to make them cry) - literally nothing he’s a sensitive man he can cry over disney’s Coco if he wants to

16 (Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’) - the fucking moustache istg

17 (Regrets) - not taking the time to reflect on himself and his relationship with olivier sooner so the two of them could finally forgive one another and start healing

18 (Things they’ll never admit) - mans has a closet full of crop tops, vintage clothing, and handmade Looks in his childhood home. this may or may not be the reason he refuses to let his partner sleep in his childhood bedroom if they ever go to visit his family

19 (People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them) - >:((((. why would you do this to him. i think he would be pretty damn upset seeing as his whole deal is trying to save everyone, even though that’s nowhere near possible. pls don’t make me write angst i just wanna make people happy

20 (What-ifs/Alternate Timelines) - i honestly don’t know what this means but if it’s talkin aus then mayhaps a Royalty au, and a Fae au?? :pensive:

21 (Turning points in their life) - the first time he heard queen’s I Want To Break Free. he came out to his family the next day

22 (People who’ve influenced them greatly) - he’s such a mama’s boy he loves his mom so much i just 🥺🥺🥺

#ask #anonymous #r6s doc #thank you for interacting!

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queerhargreeves · 5 years

Note

De-aged Luther whump fic pls !! Where the family finds out that Reginald treated him much, much worse than they think (ex. Gaslighting, sexual abuse, pain, water and food endurance training), but Luther still thinks it's love?

wowie this is the second longest fic ive ever written?? i hope you enjoy anon and thank you for your kindness and patience!

TW: child sexual abuse and child abuse discussed

(gif by tuagifs)

The Hargreeves have had to put up with a lot of things that would drive most people to absolute madness throughout their lives. From the second each of them were born, their definition of what “normal” is would rival that of pretty much anyone. The seven of them were trained to be obedient soldiers in a goddamn science experiment by a man with too much power. This man wasn’t capable of love or compassion, no. Quite the opposite.

He treated them like they were shiny toys. Sir Reginald Hargreeves wanted them to reach impossibly high standards and would stop at absolutely nothing to make sure they got there.

They only had 30 minutes of designated “free time” a week growing up. The only time they could do as they please, within “reason”. Granted that didn’t stop them from sneaking out to get donuts after hours, Pogo keeping their secret safe.

“You all deserve to be children, Master Luther. All I ask of you is to not be too careless. We can’t have your father finding out, now can we?”

Daily rigorous training ranged anywhere from running five miles before breakfast to memorizing every pressure point in the human body and how they worked/functioned. Individual training, specialized by Sir Hargreeves himself, was another story in of itself. Water tanks, mausoleums, broken and straining limbs, tearing animals apart, throats so coarse and raw you couldn’t speak for a week, spatial jumps for four consistent hours, constant exclusion from activities …it was all the norm for these kids. Nothing out of the ordinary.

They have all gone through experiences that any average bystander wouldn’t even be able to begin to wrap their heads around. The Hargreeves have powers, yes. Their time traveling brother who left them 17 years ago came back, is nearly 60 years old, and was reverted back to the 13 year old body he disappeared in, yes. Their dysfunctional family may have caused the end of the world, yes. They avoided the end of the world, yes.

But this? Their big brother, their gallant leader, an actual child again? Now that is a lot to process, yes. Even for the ex-superheros.

It happened a few months after the family successfully didn’t cause life itself to end. They all had been making an attempt to start over with one another. The way they treated each other is what almost caused the end of the world after all.

It wasn’t easy, of course. Undoing a lifetime of trauma and repressed emotions wasn’t a simple equation or an overnight fix. It’s something that takes uncomfortable, late night hash sessions where every party involved opens up about things they don’t want to. It takes withdrawal symptoms and panic attacks. It takes realizing and acknowledging trauma and addressing it head on.

It wasn’t all tears and tension though. There were plenty of family outings, movie nights and, 2 AM impromptu baking sessions filled with nothing but laughter and comfort. They were getting better communicating with one another - they were getting better at simply existing together as an actual family instead of constantly working against their own.

The seven were out at dinner one night, Korean food per Allison’s request. The dinner went on without a hitch as they usually did nowadays, the siblings just enjoying one another’s company. However, it was after dinner when it happened.

Five noticed a man following them a bit too close for comfort as they were making their way back to the 10 seater van. It happened within seconds: an instant flash that rivals Five’s very own. One second Luther was trailing at the end of the group, listening to Ben tell a Klaus story. The next second there was a man sticking a syringe into his neck. And the next second he was on the ground, unconscious. Klaus, Ben, and Vanya rushed to his side, carrying him the rest of the way to the van. Allison, Five, and Diego stayed behind, going after the man who they didn’t even get a proper look at.

They all eventually regrouped at the house after having little luck finding the said culprit.

They were all clearly shaken after the attack. Five was, to put it quite simply, absolutely livid. He was infuriated at not only the situation itself but at himself for dismissing his instincts. Diego was also feeling quite a bit of guilt himself, but he’s been working on channeling those emotions in healthier ways. AKA no longer lashing out and hurting himself/others. Instead, he sulked silently. He played through the events that happened over and over again.

Allison was probably the most visibly distraught about the whole thing. Klaus and Ben had to quite literally drag her out of the infirmary after she refused to leave his side. She slept with her two brothers that night, wedged in between them. She couldn’t be alone. They all needed sleep and they knew Luther was in good hands.

Grace had assured them all that Luther would be fine, insisting that she would run tests on him as he got some rest. They were comforted knowing that their brother was out of the woods in terms of immediate danger of whatever substance was forcefully injected into his body. Luther would never leave Grace or Pogo’s sight for the night, the two of them adamant on making sure the six of them got some sleep that night.

None of them were prepared for what they found the next morning, however.

The six of them were all piled in the infirmary and there lied a Luther Hargreeves. A 12 year old Luther Hargreeves.

He looked so small in the bed; he was hooked up to monitors and his oversized sleeping clothes didn’t help either. His breathing was even. His chest was rising and falling in a slow, calm rhythm. His lips were slightly pursed open and he was snoring lightly.

“Holy shit.” Klaus was the first to speak up, staring in a mixture of awe and bewilderment at the small boy in the bed. “You’re no longer the babiest bro, Five.”

The statement hung in the air, thick and heavy. No one knew what to say or where to even start. Is his body just young? Or his brain too? Is it permanent? What does he remember?

“Oh, good morning children! I wasn’t expecting you all to be awake so early!” Six heads whipped towards the sound of their Mother’s heels against the hardwood floor as she walked into the infirmary.

“M-mom,” Diego’s voice shook, his eyes still glued at the young sleeping boy, “wh-what happened? Is Luther o…okay?”

“Yes dear, Luther is alright.” She said softly, resting her hand on Diego’s shoulder as she walked past him. She walked to the bed getting closer to the bed and removed one of the monitors from his chest.

“Your brother is going to be okay. It seems that he was injected with an age regression agent last night. I’m not sure how long it will last, but I’m hoping the bloodwork will give us some answers. What I can definitely say is that it will stop at this age. Luther is around 12 years old.” She explained, running a gentle hand through Luther’s hair.

“It isn’t causing him any physical harm. He was regressing quite quickly throughout the night but it stopped at 5:37 AM.”

Allison silently walked to the other side of the bed. She ran the back of her hand down Luther’s cheek, her expression soft. He looked so peaceful like this. The most peaceful she’s seen in ages.

“We…we have to be there for him when he wakes up. Luther, he was there for me after…” She paused, meeting Vanya’s eyes with a sad smile. She gave her a small nod to which Vanya reciprocated, signing “it’s okay” to her sister. They were both on good terms with what happened now. They talked it out, thousands of apologies and tears falling from both of the sister’s lips.

Allison’s voice was getting stronger every day but it was still important for everyone to be silent when she spoke so she didn’t have to strain more than necessary.

“He said he knew the comfortable dark place I was in. He didn’t want me to wake up to someone who wasn’t me anymore alone. We can’t let him go through this alone, we just can’t.” She took his hand and gave it a light squeeze, turning her gaze back to her siblings.

“Of course we’ll be there for him, Al.” Ben agreed.

And so they waited. They decided to take turns watching over him throughout the day. Diego and Five helped change Luther into the old academy pajamas before Allison and Vanya took on the first shift. Klaus and Ben went to the kitchen to make Alfredo pasta with extra chicken, Luther’s favorite dish. They remembered how insistent he was on the extra chicken when they were young.

“I need all the protein I can get! You all do too. But Five, you especially. You use up too much energy during training. This is far more nutritious and better for you than your peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches. We don’t need anymore nose bleeds. Go ahead and grab an extra chicken breast, yeah?”

Luther was always good at watching over his siblings, whether they liked it or not. Half the time it annoyed them all to no end - especially Diego. But Luther took his role as not just their leader, but as their big brother, very seriously. It was a responsibility he did not take lightly.

The pasta didn’t turn out as picture perfect as it could have if the two let Grace do all the work, but with her guidance they were able to scrap up a delicious dish between the three of them.

“Damn Ben, Olive Garden better watch out! We’re gonna steal their jobs!” Allison and Vanya could hear Klaus exclaim all the way from the kitchen, a small smile appearing on both of their faces.

“If nothing else, it’s comforting that Klaus will always be just…”

“Klaus?” Allison finishes.

“Klaus.” Vanya agrees, her gaze falling back to the boy in the bed. He was still sleeping soundly, looking as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

She doesn’t remember him being a deep sleeper - in fact, he was the lightest one of the seven. If Diego did so much as drop a book in his room or Klaus tumbled over his own feet, Luther would be in their room within a few moments to make sure they weren’t in danger. He lost a lot of sleep that way, but it never occurred to her until just now the extent of how much Luther did for them as children. Seeing him so young, so vulnerable looking was overwhelming. It was as if they were slapped in the face by past memories, repressed or otherwise.

“Mmmm…” Both women stood up at the mumbling, hovering over Luther as he started to stir in the bed. His eyes slowly started to flutter open after a few moments. You could see the realization of where he was wash over his face as he took in his surroundings. It was almost as if he was seeing right past his sisters.

“Luther?” Allison asked in a small, gentle voice. His eyes finally met hers and she placed her hand on top of his.

“M’am?” He looked down at their hands and back at her, then back down and back again. He blinked furiously, opening his mouth and closing it once more. He then whipped his head to Vanya as she tried her best to put on a gentle smile.

“Hey Lu.” She said softly.

“Vanya? Allison?” His voice went up an octave as he looked between both of his sisters. “What’s going on? Did I fail the last mission? Are you two hurt? I-I need to go back to the training room, find dad and explain! Maybe then I can -”

Allison and Vanya locked eyes as this answered a few questions. Luther definitely was mentally and 13 again, not just physically like Five. Allison’s mind reeled as she processed this, trying to think of how to even begin explaining what’s happening. Explain what has happened. Not only to Luther, but to them all.

Luther started to sit up, rambling on as he attempted to swing his legs over the bed before Allison and Vanya stopped him. Allison placed herself in front of Luther, legs shoulder width apart and hands braced on both of his shoulders. Vanya stayed at his side as she placed a firm hand on his upper arm.

“Woah, woah, woah not so fast there, Luther!” Allison knew his strength, even at this age, rivaled hers tenfold. He would only have to raise his pinky to push them both off him, but he didn’t. He let his sisters push him back in bed, but he stayed upright.

“Lu,” Vanya started, her hand still on his arm. “I can’t even imagine how overwhelming this all must be. Before I get the others I just need you to know that-”

“You’re all old.” Luther said simply.

Allison let out a small chuckle at the transparent comment and threw her head back ever so slightly. Luther had always been Mr. Obvious.

“You could say that, yeah.” Vanya scoffed, “I’ll go get the others if you’re ready?”

Luther drew his lips in a thin line, “What about Dad?” He asked cautiously, sounding all too much like the 12 year old he was.

“Dad…” Vanya looked up at Allison, wordlessly asking for help here.

“We’ll talk about it when Van and the other boys are here, yeah?” Allison reassured, trying to keep her best ‘mom’ voice on in an attempt to ease some of her brother’s evident nerves.

Luther just nodded at that answer as it was found satisfactory enough for him. Vanya gave his arm one last squeeze before disappearing down the hall. Within 30 seconds the rest of the Hargreeves came in the room, single file line. Luther watched every single one of them as they walked inside, his eyes wide and mouth pursed open.

Diego was always rough around the edges, but seeing him in all black, bearded, and scarred was certainly a bit unnerving. Klaus made him smile ever so slightly. It made Luther happy that Klaus was still oh so very much Klaus, even with a plate of pasta in his lanky arms. Eyeliner, skirt, and messy curls. Ben was a bit odd to see - blue around the edges and younger than the other two brothers before him. But Five. God that certainly put his head through a loop as if he hadn’t had enough of that already. He looked…just like he remembered. Small frame with a sharp jaw and the most intense blue eyes.

“Guten morgen, dear Luther.” Klaus said singsongly, placing the plate of pasta on the wheeled tray and wheeling it next to the bed.

“Vanya told us you woke up! Welcome back.” He sat down in one of the chairs in the room, the rest of the siblings also taking a seat.

“Thanks…” Luther drew the word out, “The pasta smells good. Thank you for that too.”

“Nonsense.” Klaus waved his hand in the air, “I’m just glad to see you’re okay.” He said honestly, crossing his legs and leaning down to rest his elbows on his knees.

“I-” Luther stopped for a moment, “I think I understand what’s happening. You’re all..older. But,” He turned to where Five was seated next to Ben. “Five?”

“It’s a bit of a long story, as this whole situation is. But I time traveled, managed to get stuck for quite a while, then came back in this body. I’m actually older than all of you, but that’s besides the point.” Five explained flippantly, “How are you doing, Luther?”

Luther gave a shaky nod as Five explained, “I’m um.” He gulped and looked back up at Allison who still stood over the bed. “When can I see Dad?”

All of the siblings tensed at the question, sharing looks with one another. Surprising to everyone it was Diego who spoke up first.

“Lu, Dad isn’t here.” He explained. “You don’t have to w-wor-worry about him anymore. It’s okay.”

Luther shook his head and a few dry chuckles fell from his lips. “Yeah, uh huh. And two times two equals three.” He spat.

“Luther…” Allison said calmly, “Diego is telling the truth. Dad is dead.” She watched as his blue eyes start to brim with tears. But Luther immediately threw his hand up to wipe them away. He shook his head again, this time more violently.

“No, no he can’t be… I-I didn’t report the last mission! I need to, I-” He started to try to get up once more, this time Diego and Ben rushing to the bed to attempt to keep him from getting up any further.

“Luther, it’s okay, please! Calm down.” Vanya said, voice shaking as Luther struggled against his brothers.

“No! No I need to get back to training! I need to go to the weight room! I-I can lift 2,000 pounds now! I need to show Dad! He’ll take me to the tree again if I don’t show him! Just LET ME GO!” Luther shouted, furiously pounding his fists against Diego’s chest. Diego and Ben held him in place best they could, letting their brother dispel the pent up frustration into their bodies. They could take it, for now. And it was evident he was running out of steam.

Vanya wordlessly sat down on the bed and wrapped her arms around his waist. He stiffened at the touch, his incessant pounding coming to an abrupt stop.

“Luther, it’s alright. You don’t have to train.” She gently pulled Luther into her lap. It wasn’t too uncomfortable as he was about an inch taller than her at this point. It seemed to do the trick. Luther let himself be held from behind, something she knew never happened to them as kids. They were all so touch deprived and it pains her remembering how much Luther would avoid any touch at all a few months back.

Vanya rested her head on his shoulder and he found himself leaning into the touch, finding comfort in her firm embrace. He can’t remember the last time he was held like this.

“Your body has been through a lot, Lu. You can’t go up and lash out like that, okay? At least not right now, not until we get more answers.” Allison sad next to the pair on the bed, running a hand through Luther’s soft, golden hair. He nodded, feeling his eyes begin to sting yet again with tears. He closed them shut as the tears silently fell down his face.

“This is a lot to process, Luther. You’re doing a really good job so far. We just want to protect you. You know that, right?” Five spoke up softly. It hurt him seeing his brother so panicked, so afraid. Five remembers Diego and Luther saying something similar to him when he was in need.

“I’m sorry,” Luther choked out. “I-I didn’t mean to.” He opened his eyes and looked up at Diego and Ben. Ben looked fairly untouched. His hair was a bit disheveled at worst. Diego, however, was another story. He had a split lip and red marks along his neck and whatever skin was visible. He didn’t look angry or upset though. His brows were furrowed in concern.

The brown eyed man shook his head, “I know that, Lu. Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. I’m okay, bro.” He knew Luther must be thinking there is going to be some sort of punishment. There always was when Luther and Diego would brawl as kids. Well, when they weren’t asked to brawl anyway. But that wasn’t the case anymore.

“Luther,” Klaus finally spoke up after a few moments of silence, “What did you mean by the tree?” He remembers Luther mentioning Reginald’s ‘favorite place’ at his funeral, but he never thought to ask him anything more about it.

Luther tensed, his gaze falling to his lap. He clenched his hands tightly, adamant on not crying anymore. Crying was weakness and Luther absolutely had no room for weakness. He had hit that quota enough today for a lifetime. And he can’t talk about the tree. Dad said so.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Luther mumbled.

Vanya’s stomach dropped. Whatever this is, whatever Luther isn’t saying, is something they don’t know about and there’s a reason for that. They all had experiences with their father they didn’t want to share. But eventually they all did. Or so she thought.

“Dad isn’t…he can’t hurt you anymore. I promise.” Vanya reassured from behind.

Luther’s grip tightened and he felt the moon shape imprints go deeper into his palms, finding the pain grounding. He deserved pain when he acted out of line.

Allison swiftly uncurled one of his fists and wrapped her hand in his. She knew that old habit of his from when they were children. She’s watched Luther dig at his palms until they were bleeding during post mission briefing sessions on more than one occasion. And she isn’t about to let her brother do that to himself again.

“This is a safe space, bro.” Klaus pressed gently, giving him an encouraging nod.

Luther sighed, glancing up and at the faces around the room. They were all watching him with a look concern. But there was more to it. He saw it in the way Klaus’ lips curled up ever so slightly, he saw it in Five’s dimple and Diego’s eyes. They weren’t going to judge him or punish him.

“Whenever I did something wrong, Dad would, he just liked that tree. And when I-I messed up he would take me there.” Luther focused on the arms around his waist and the hand in his, “At first it was a time out thing. He would exclude me from activities, which he knows I don’t like. I wanna be involved.”

“That wasn’t enough anymore I guess. I kept messing up. So he would make me fast for days on end after missions. Or Dad wanted me to throw things until my shoulders dislocated. But that wasn’t enough anymore either,” He continued, “I deserved more than that. He started to make me…help him. A-and if I did it well enough, he insisted on ‘helping me too’.” Luther’s voice was barely above a whisper once he finished. The rest of the room was silent, Luther’s IV drip being the only thing audible in the room. No one, absolutely no one, was expecting that.

Reginald was an asshole, yes. They all knew that. It was common knowledge just like how water is wet. But Reginald being a pedophile? Not only was he emotionally manipulative, but also sexually? To his own goddamn child? That was a whole other level that they were not prepared to hear. There was no way to be prepared to hear something like that.

“Luther, you did not deserve a single second of that, do you understand me?” Diego demanded, tone soft but assertive. He had to learn about sex trafficking and sexual abuse victims during the Police Academy. And he remembers how that was the most heartbreaking lesson of them all.

He learned how, especially young boys, will dismiss and refuse to acknowledge their abuse. Even more so if it was from their guardian. “You are not a bad child. You do not deserve to be treated like that. We love you, okay? Did…did Dad make you keep it a secret?”

Luther gave a short, “He said if I told anyone h-he’d kill one of you and say I did it. He said I’d go to jail for murder. But I always did it! I couldn’t let you guys get hurt…Dad loves me. He punishes me because he wants me to learn.” He said as if it didn’t need explaining, looking around the room at his siblings. He wasn’t expecting to find every single one of their eyes to be filled with tears themselves.

“I didn’t mean to upset you. I-I’m sorry if I did something to-”

“Goddammit Luther, you didn’t do anything wrong! You didn’t. You’re a good boy, okay? Such a good boy, fuck.” Vanya squeezed her brother tighter, dropping her head in the crook of his neck.

Luther froze for a moment at the outburst before feeling something within him burst open. He was…allowed to be upset. He was allowed to be angry, to be sad, to be ‘weak’. A watery sob escaped his lips and within a second he turned around to wrap his arms around Vanya. They were properly holding one another now and Vanya let her brother grab her sweater in tight fists and cry. And he did so; ugly, heart wrenching sobs came from the small boy as he was being cradled in the small woman’s arms. His shoulders shook violently with each one. The rest of the siblings watched as this intimate moment unfolded before them. They all felt their souls leave their body, their hearts crushed.

After what seemed like a lifetime, Luther was no longer shaking and his eyes were dry. No one said a word. Were there words to even say? Allison wrapped her arms around her two siblings and Klaus got up to do the same. Then Diego, Ben, and Five. All six siblings wrapped their arms around Luther. Diego kissed the top of his head and Luther simply let himself be held for a few moments before breaking up.

Luther isn’t sure what happened in the 15 years or so he’s missed nor is he even completely aware of the situation he’s in. But one thing he can say for certain is he’s grateful for his siblings. Whatever they all went through in those years he wasn’t there for, it must have been painful. It must’ve fucking hurt. Because the love he’s feeling? The pure, genuine warmth and care? He couldn’t even begin to fathom anything like it - not in his timeline anyway. And he’s so glad he’s been given the opportunity to feel even a fraction of it.

#child abuse cw #luther hargreeves #luther defense squad #luther positivity #the umbrella academy #tua #tua fanfic #the umbrella academy fic #diego hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves #ben hargreeves

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cadaceus · 5 years

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c2e30

I finished watching Critical Role, Campaign 2, Episode 30: “The Journey Home.” It had some really touching character moments that made me sad, but it also had some of the classic humor that comes with this wonderful party!

- Jester: “Where’s Molly? Is he waiting upstairs?” / Beau, gently: “He... didn’t make it.” / Jester: “To this dungeon? Because he’s waiting upstairs?” Can everyone please stop breaking my heart, it’s still shattered enough as is

- Sam, reading the letter (from Lorenzo? to Lorenzo?): “Queen-pillar? Quen’pilar? Is that a month?” / Matt: “It’s a month.” / Laura/Jester: “Yeah, we know that month!” Why was that whole exchange so relatable sdfghjk

- Laura accidentally hitting the envelope and making it fly towards Taliesin, who examines it carefully and curiously while in character as Clay, is such a good character detail and I love it

- Fjord: “I want to keep Molly with us, though. With me.” Oof, so it’s missing Molly hours already

- Who am I kidding, it’s always missing Molly hours

- Everyone glancing at the letter Keg wrote Beau the morning after and immediately bursting into peals of laughter is honestly a sequence of art sdfghjkl

- The portrait of Mollymauk at 1:47:07 was beautiful, all the fanart is, but that one really stood out to me this time around!

- I attached a screenshot below of where I apparently paused last night before going to bed and ???? asdfghjk is everyone okay over there

- Fjord digging himself into an even deeper hole while trying to convince the guards to let them bring the cart in.... good luck sir

- Jester: “Shady deals happening over here!” / Caduceus: “Is that what it is? Ah, I’ve never seen one before :D” I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Protect Him!’

- Oh no it’s Molly’s grave...oh no :(((

- Jester my baby girl.... getting down on her knees, her little goodbye to Molly, her fond yet sad smile when Beau says that she still has Molly’s deck of cards (and Matt letting Taliesin choose what card she pulled!) this is all so much and I am so very sad

- OH NO YASHA’S AWAKE OH NO

- That was even more painful than I anticipated, I knew that Yasha would be so mournful over the death of her friend but her turning and leaving into the storm... darling please return

- Sometimes Taliesin comes up with such beautiful and/or deep quotes and sentiments, and casting Decompose on Molly’s body before saying: “I made the earth remember him” is one of those times

- Caleb putting his hand on Beau’s shoulder like he does when he needs the physical support but this time it’s because he needs the emotional support as Molly’s grave fades into the distance...…………….. :(((((

- Matt quietly saying “I should be better about being a human being” is way too relatable for me

- Caduceus happily saying in the Gentleman “I have no idea what’s going on right now” pls I love him

- Caleb saying to Fjord: “You cannot blame yourself when you are taken advantage of.” and the ramifications that has based on his backstory and his difficulty accepting that within himself... please let this be a bit of a recovery story for Caleb, please let him heal from the trauma just a little, please keep him safe...

- Liam: “I’d like to keep talking to Travis about swallowing whole, long swords...” / Travis: “Well I didn’t really swallow the last one, it just kind of absorbed--” / Liam: “Yeah, keep telling yourself that, big guy.” How is Laura not dying at this innuendo

- This was a really character-driven/character-based episode which was nice because we got to see a lot of the dynamics there--exploring new ones, exploring old ones, and reestablishing the wonderful chaos that is the Mighty Nein <3

#critical role #c2 #my liveblogs #mollymauk I miss you #this whole episode was missing molly hours for me #but also yay for jester and fjord being back !!!#I feel like I am missing one of my personal organizational tags but apparently it was not too important if I am lol :D

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bbparker · 6 years

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I Found You Part 4 (Loki Laufeyson Soulmate AU)

Summary: (Y/n)’s soulmate tattoo is Loki in Nordic runes and now thinks fate is playing with her and he doesn’t exist because they gave her a mythological god. During the battle of NY (y/n) happens to meet him but what occurs once the battle is over? Her soulmate is the most hated man on the planet.

A/N: So omg this took me ages and its okay but I am in pain from writing this oml aha enjoy!

ANNOUNCEMENT: If I can’t tag you more than two times you will be removed, it gets little tiring guys :/ Sorry but we got a system here 🙂

Warnings: Uh some torture stuff, blood, death

Read [Part 1] > [Part 5]

||Masterlist||

[Playlist]

Heavy breathing filled the room, sweat dripped out of their pores as two pairs of eyes stared each other down.

ZAP!

Another round of screams and clenched jaws throughout the room. The young female agent switched the machine off at her leader’s signal and looked towards the ceiling as if praying for forgiveness for her actions.

“You enjoyin’ this? I hope you are because I certainly am. You think you can come to our planet and start blowin’ shit up, killing our people and expect no-”

“I would rather the girl turn on that machine again than endure your petulant talk.” The harrowing voice echoed throughout the concrete room. The tall bald man sneered at him before turning to face the young agent, nodding at her once again.

The two agents watched, one in horror and one in amusement, as Loki’s muscles convulsed and jaw clenched so he didn’t release screams. Switching the machine off, the bald older man got closer to Loki’s now hung head.

“You enjoy that now, you horned bastard?”

Loki’s smile grew manic as he slowly tilted his head to come eye to eye with the Commander.

“No more than I enjoyed killing your precious mortals, children, mothers, fathers.” A manic laugh escaped Loki’s mouth, some spit hitting the older agents face.

The Commander’s face grew red and before the young female agent could consider the situation, his hand swung out and hit Loki on the side of his face. “Commander!” the young agent exclaimed, staring wide-eyed at the superior officer.

“Listen, Carson, you want to be in S.H.I.E.L.D sometimes you have to see and do the dirty work. This isn’t a playground, you hear me?”

“Y-yes sir!”

“Good, then switch it on again.”

“But sir-“

“What did I just say?” Carson pushed the red button and as electricity ran from the wall and into the metal chair strapping down the god. Loki couldn’t hold it in this time as the shocks snaked their way throughout his body and invaded his mind. Loki felt a liquid drip down the side of his face and drip from his nose.

“Kill it.” Then the pain was gone. The coppery taste slowly infiltrated his mouth and coasted his teeth in red.

“I know they call you a god and all, but I will break you eventually.” Hunching over, Loki couldn’t deny this form of torture was brutal but he’d been through worse, it’d take a lot more to break him.

As Loki’s mind wandered to the mysterious girl with powers much like him and loneliness in her eyes, just like him; he couldn’t help but wonder what happened to her after Thor caught her. Closing his eyes, he tried to recount their moments together.

What she looked like as the wind swept her hair and that gaze stared up at him as if he were the most amazing creature she’d ever lay her eyes upon. He couldn’t help but let a small smile slip at the way her body shivered slightly when he touched his name branded forever behind her ear.

His name, in the old language. The way she’d fired up at him and shot back her retorts in his native tongue. How had she known? No human had ever been taught the language nor were there any recordings of it on Earth. Well, at least there shouldn’t be.

“Oh, there’s someone you care about. You’re thinking about her right now, aren’t you?” Eyes snapping open, no longer filled with mockery. Instead, they mirrored that fire like of the girl he had often thought of in his time within this cell.

“You know nothing mortal.”

“Oh, but I do, I do, I do!” He laughs throwing his hands in the air, the young agent stepping back slightly before gulping, looking between the two men.

Carson didn’t agree with this, when she’d signed up she’d never even thought S.H.I.E.L.D would do this sort of thing; even for war criminals. The Commander turned back to Loki and puts his hands on either side of the chair and leaning in.

“I’d appreciate if you didn’t get this close to me, the girl behind us might assume you’re into some certain many other things. Not that I mind of course.” Loki didn’t smile, he stared into the Commander’s blue eyes of steel, not daring to back down against this weak man. A slight cough of laughter trying to be covered up came from behind him.

The Commander slammed his hands down, only managing to frighten the agent, who returned to her straight but nervous façade.

“I know about the girl, the one who was with you before your little ship went BOOM!”

Loki’s stare didn’t waver, “which girl? I’ve killed multiple of them so you’re going to have to be a bit more specific Agent Nicolson.” The slight shock at Loki knowing his name disappeared as quickly as it came.

“I heard you were the god of lies… but it seems the shocking treatments are making that fade away. I see through you Laufeyson, like smoke. Your brains in a jumble, I can see it in your eyes.”

Loki’s mind reeled, there was no way he had faltered, this agent was trying to get him to doubt himself. Loki’s grin finally returned, tables turned and now he was seeing all the lies. With blood coating his teeth, he’d never looked more insane then at this very moment, Carson giving him a side glance.

“I wouldn’t smile like that. Your little girl is upstairs. Has been for the past month, just like you. Who knows what they’re doing to her. Soon they’re going to try… a little experiment.” He laughed as Loki’s rage seeped through and he jumped forward slightly, quickly reigning himself in. But Agent Nicolson had already caught the subtle movement.

“Oh, we’re touchy on this one. Don’t worry I’ll take good care of your little soulmate. Don’t know if she can handle as much as you but… guess we’ll find out!”

He laughed as he left the room, telling the young agent to pack up the machine but leave the god in it. Loki fumed, green wisps seeping out every inch of his body but rendering ineffective due to the new shackles they had designed specifically for him. Loki heard the young agent behind him but couldn’t find it within himself to care too much.

The green disappeared as Loki registered what the agent had said. Yes, he’d known about them, he’d been here thousands of years ago and often his worshippers had them. They, however, did not exist on Asgard due to something about the atmosphere and certain chemicals in the air or something along those lines. In all honesty barely anyone, even the Asgardians, knew how the soulmate marks came to be or how they were chosen. Never in all his time (which is a long time) had he encountered an Asgardian having a soulmate.

“Soulmate?” Loki whispered. Carson, having heard the god, came to the chair to see his wide eyes looking around frantically as if sorting through his own mind in front of him.

“H-hey, you alright?” Carson’s Australian accent rang throughout the small room. She knew that it wasn’t allowed, her a junior agent talking to a prisoner, let alone a war criminal to ask if they were ‘okay’ but she held some empathy.

Loki didn’t respond, stuck in his mind and thoughts. He had a soulmate? Did it even count if he didn’t have the mark? In some way, Loki was pleased that somewhere, something granted him the blessing of being able to have someone specifically made for him. Another part sought to destroy her for proposing a weakness and putting him in this predicament.

“Hey… god-dude. She’s uh…she’d safe. For now.”

Loki’s head snapped up and Carson saw nothing but sadness and a hint of anger.

“Where is she?” Carson looked towards the door, knowing she should have left when she’d finished packing up. “I shouldn’t be telling you this…”

“Pl…” Loki hand to clench his jaw and almost physically push the words out. “Please.” The simple word made him feel weak like he’d finally told all his secrets and all to a simple mortal. Carson considered Loki’s eyes and saw pleading, longing and pain but she also knew he was the God of lies and could mirror such emotions.

Taking a deep breath, Carson knew there were camera’s in here but no audio, luckily.

“She’s on one of the above floors. She has food, water but she’d not allowed to leave.”

“She’s in a cell? Like me?”

The concern in his voice made Carson’s heart hum, she couldn’t deny her loving nature and nurture for things that are broken.

Smiling softly, “actually she’s got a much nicer place than you… with clothes.” Carson laughed lightly at the sight of Loki’s ripped open shirt, an exposed torso for all to see. Loki smiled slightly before sincerely saying, “thank you.”

“It was no problem. I’ll see you tomorrow Loki.”

The door shut and lights turned off as Loki was left in a chair with his own sweat and blood making him uncomfortable.

The next day when the Commander returned with Agent Carson, Loki cringed. Another day of torture and although he was cringing at the thought, some part of him was comforted by what Carson had told him. She was safe and now there was nothing more than this pull he had. It was as if it was giving him the strength to rip himself away from the chair and travel upwards to find this girl.

‘Damn’ he muttered in his head, this girl was proving to be a lot more trouble than he had bargained for.

“Good morning, sunshine! Ready for another day? Well, guess what, we’re not staying in here today! We’re going on a field trip!” Turning towards the Agent,

“Carson, bundle up the equipment and put it out of sight, we don’t want another angry Asgardian on our hands.” Carson nods, making quick eye contact with Loki before looking away and gathering up the equipment.

Loki heard him before he saw him, thundering footsteps echoing down the hall. The door to the room opened and Loki’s eyes took in the sight of his brother who smiled lightly at Loki. Loki remained straight-faced as he watched his brother approach him and begin undoing his bindings. Loki’s head shot forwards as he head-butted Thor, sneering at the mere thought of his ‘brother’ being remotely close to him.

Instantly a small but strong hand shot out to grip his wrist a small blue glow and instantly he was calm. Coming around to face him, Loki was surprised to see Carson bending down in front of him and in a soft voice asking, “may I take off your bonding’s, Loki?” Carson’s enticing accent suddenly becoming smoother then the slight twang it had in her normal tone. Loki mind became foggy and calm like she was the god instead of him.

Slowly Carson slid her hands to his wrists and undid the straps as he watched her. “Can you stand for me please Loki?”

He did as told and stood, watching her curiously. In his mind, he asked for the release from this spell. Never had his mind been this quiet his demons this far from his mind. The weight of the new chains snapped him out of it, seeing Carson on the other side of the room, her Commander scolding her.

“I told you not to use that party trick on anyone but who I tell you to. You remember what happened last time?”

“Yes, Commander.”

Thor spared Carson a curious look. “Interesting accent you have. Do you not hail from here?”

“A-Australia, actually.” Thor smiled slightly before grabbing Loki’s new chains.

“I’ll have to visit sometime.” The Commander scolded her as she sank back into the shadows and Thor leads Loki out of the room.

Loki’s eyes focussed on the hallway and curiously, Agent Carson continued to be reprimanded by others behind him as the group made their way to the elevator.

As they continued, Loki observed. Watching how the operated the systems, pressing buttons here and there, Loki made sure to keep those in his memories. After getting in and out of the elevator, noticeably twenty floors up and above ground.

“Where are we going?” Loki asked but received no response from anyone within the group.

When they arrived at the end of another hall and came to a viewing window, Loki couldn’t have been more confused until the sight of a woman seated on a window seat caught his eye. She was curled up in a ball and didn’t move except for the occasional blink and eyes moving to look at something else in the window.

“They tell me this is your soulmate, Loki. Is it true?” Loki said nothing as he stared at the woman by the window, slightly taking a step forward. He glanced around her room, seeing untouched water and food, before returning his sights to her once again.

“Asgardians don’t have soulmates, so tell me, why do you?” The Commander sneered from beside Loki.

But this time Loki didn’t have an answer, he knew he didn’t deserve one after what he had done. The number of soulmate pairings he’d destroyed in the execution of his plans. ‘What if she had died during the battle?’ Loki thought and some part of his ached from it and another side of him questioned his weak behaviour.

“Loki, answer the question,” Thor demanded.

“I truly do not know.”

After a moment he asked, “Is she unwell?” Thor turned to his brother in surprise after hearing his tone of concern, never in their thousands of years had Loki talked about a mortal so easily, without contempt.

“She’s stopped eating.” Carson piped up as nobody was willing to answer him. A glare came from the Commander yet again as Loki turned to face the woman.

“Why?” He demanded, staring her down.

“She-”

“Agent, close that mouth of yours or you’ll be on cage duty for the rest of your career.” Carson quickly shut her mouth and backed down, providing Loki with a sympathetic look.

“Your little bitch of a girlfriend found out who her soulmate was and decided she’d rather end it earlier than be with a monster like you.”

Loki’s mind twisted and turned the thought in his head. What did he expect, after all, he was the one who destroyed her home, killed hundreds of people. How could anyone accept him if his own soulmate could not?

“That’s quite enough Sir. Loki, what do you know of this mortal?”

“Nothing.”

Thor looked at his brother unbelievingly, “Let’s get you back to your cell.” The whole journey, the Commander gave Loki sinister smirks as Carson attempted to tell him something through a look.

When Loki was re-strapped, Thor grabbed the Commander by the shoulder and led him out in the hall quite noisily. Carson remained in the room looking at Loki as he tossed and turned everything he’d seen. “Loki…”

“Be quiet mortal! I don’t-”

“Shut up!” Carson whisper yelled, quite sick of all these men telling her to keep silent, even when she was trying to help. Kneeling in front of Loki to look at him.

“She’s not doing it because she hates having you as her soulmate!” Carson quickly looked towards the door before looking Loki in his eyes and smiling lightly.

“Loki, she accepted you as her soulmate, that’s why she’s not eating. She griev-”

“You realise why that makes no sense-”

“Oh, my gosh, be quiet you dingbat!” Carson laughed before placing her palm on Loki’s arm and a feeling he couldn’t describe overtook him. It was bitter and it was heart pounding at the same moment. It was self-destructive and beautiful as if watching a flower bloom and die on repeat.

Something swelled within Loki before he quietly asked, “please, stop.” As Carson quietly released her hold on Loki, she watched as something beautiful formed before her. Hope lay within his eyes, the feelings exposed to him at that moment.

“That’s what she feels every moment since she found out you were her soulmate. She doesn’t hate you Loki, she loves you already, she’d been waiting for you a very long time.”

Loki watched the warm brown eyes glance back at him, ones that showed this girl was pure and happy, naïve almost.

“She’s not eating, Loki, because they’re practically torturing her by telling her you’re dead.”

Loki watched her as he thought about it, she was broken because of him. Something within him burst in joy at the thought of her, but seeing the state she was in, she needed food soon.

“Why are you helping me?” Loki blurted out. She was like a little cupid and now that Loki thought about it, hated that guy from the first time he met him.

“I-I hate seeing what they’re doing to her… because I’ve lived through something similar, with someone I loved. But it's the broken things I tend to have an affinity for. ” She whispered as Loki watched her curiously.

“They’re holding someone here that you love.” Loki’swords were not a question, but a statement and the shiny eyes that kindly glanced up at him confirmed it.

“Not S.H.I.E.L.D but-” However, the storming of footsteps coming down the hall had Carson backing up quickly.

The Commander entered red-faced with anger, stomping towards the god and instantly smashing a fist against his face.

“Stupid blonde freak thinks he can tell me what to do.” Loki spat out the blood coming from his mouth and looked back up at him. This man must have been somewhat enhanced, barely anyone had ever made Loki bleed.

“Let’s go, Carson, Pierce wanted us to check up on that vault.”

They left and didn’t return until the following day, leaving Loki to wallow in his thoughts of the girl upstairs. The one destined for him and only him. Something grew within Loki at that moment and he’d be damned if anyone stopped him from discovering what it was.

The next day came and Loki had not slept a wink in the couple hours granted to him. It had to be around midday before a great screech louder than any Bifrost surrounded Loki. He squeezed his eyes closed feeling a terrible tearing within himself, something was very wrong. Pain shredded throughout Loki’s body before it became incredibly weak and he coughed, blood splattering in his pants. Staring wide-eyed at the liquid Loki looked right up as Carson slammed into the room wide-eyed.

“Loki…”

“What’s happened to her?”

“They… they wanted to try and see how far your connection went. She’d already started developing similar abilities to yourself and they wanted to see if it was physical. I see now that it is.”

“Is… is she alright?” Loki leant forward, genuine concern ripping through him. If what this mortal was saying was right then he was coughing up blood because she was.

“The Avengers got her out.” Though he hated them, he was grateful for her to escape but judging by his condition, she was severely injured. Looking down he found multiple bruises on his chest, more blood seeping out of his mouth. Evaluating his condition, he noticed a broken rib or two, a concussion and possibly internal bleeding. Knowing that if he could feel her pain there was no doubt she felt his as well. The shock torture and the face beatings.

An uncharacteristic whimper left him as he surely knew (y/n) would be in worse condition than himself. Then he felt it. Fading, some part of his was turning off. Like a light.

“She’s… she’s dying.” Carson’s eyes widened, “that can’t be they had medical equipment-”

“I can feel it, she’s dimming…” Loki couldn’t yell nor barely talk but when another tear of pain went through him before another cough Loki cried out.

“NO!”

The one person he finally could have had to himself, to study and learn how far their connection went was disappearing and there was nothing he could do. Fear, true fear rippled throughout his body once he realised he was losing her. Hate, fear and anger built up until like a wildfire, Loki ripped himself from the straps and stood.

Carson watched wide-eyed backing up as he approached the door. She quickly stood in front, “I can’t let you leave, Loki.”

“I’m not asking permission, little one. Now move.” Picking her up by her throat, she clawed and tried to use her powers on him but it seemed his soulmate won over Carson’s abilities. Loki threw her across the room, watching as her head hit the wall and she passed out cold.

“I am sorry, but nothing is going to get between me and her.”

Leaving quickly, Loki’s rags provided little cover as he made his way towards the elevator. Already having seen this before, he pressed the button and waited; luckily nobody was in the elevator when it arrived.

Pressing the ground floor and arriving in minutes, Loki barged through the lobby, knocking people over and throwing anyone away that dared to try and hold him down. (Y/n) had awoken this new strength within him, it wasn’t from hate, anger or greed. It was something else, like a magnetic pull Loki ran onto the streets and kept running. His feet seemingly having a mind of his own.

There was not but one thing on his mind.

(Y/n).

[Part 5]

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brokenhayatim · 4 years

Text

we might be dead tomorrow

[now playing the maze by manchester orchestra]

yesterday on a call, i had a moment of real possibility in having the decompression surgery. my neurologist last week said it was what she recommended and that chiari could be the cause of it all. so once i had it, they would most likely be gone, along with my headaches, then the meds i take would no longer be needed. it all hit me hard today and im feeling many emotions at this person who barely considered doing it for months. for god sake, i was in the hospital for it, a situation i never thought i would be in. (inshallah never again)

you know some part of me loves being told i have a high pain tolerance, a big part of me loves being poked with needles (!!) and loves looking at my mri’s. oh story time, the day my neurologist said something was different, aka wrong, i smiled in the chair and asked if i could look at it and went “ah cool!.” she gave me the wildest look but described all the brain anatomy stuffs to me. I told my therapist of this moment and he went “.oh...you were happy?” [types some notes on his computer] and i realized, normal people don’t do that and i probably said that badly with no shame. i wasn’t particular happy, but i was nowhere near sad or scared, i was excited. i think my dissociation makes me almost see everything as not mine. those aren’t my scans so i can be exhilarated and so curious about everything. or it could be that pain just isn’t something i worry or care for anymore. months later, i laughed bc something else being wrong with me, it’s almost fate. sometimes i wish i was terrified, but i didn’t care for it. i already had bad headaches, so what?

over these last few months though. it’s like i’ve made room in my home for it, i’ve become familiar with it, not so much comfortable, but so familiar that it doesn’t matter in the big picture. a secret: sometimes i feel really impressed and good when i tell of my imbalance issues, (vertigo), numbness in my limbs, the tinnitus and the nausea. sometimes..i wish i had more. i feel proud of myself when people have headaches, like i know the worst of that pain, and i’ve been through it. i don’t know if it’s because i want to be validated in having it or if it’s just how i am like that. i wish i could tell my sisters and everyone a whole list of symptoms, but all of them seem so useless and mediocre. i sometimes want that attention from just collapsing; but ironically, i hate being bothered and cared for with it. i found meaning in it all, i found a whole part of me within it all. i had headaches for 6 years before i, simply, told my general physician, and since then it’s been 5 (way too long of) mri’s and an EEG (that was certainly a moment). i wished, back then, i had seizures too. we called one of my pain symptoms “brain shocks” for years with that creative name and made it into this freeze “game”, and i just mentioned that two years ago in a visit. half of my identity is just on having headaches, of being in pain around people. and i’m stupidly fucking (sorry last day of ramadan) scared of losing that. i’ve taken more medications pills than i can count, and i know their purpose pridefully well. i’ve given advice based on that pain, i’ve helped someone with that pain. i’ll never be ready to lose that. i think of it and i imagine myself more empty. full of nothing.

the reason i’m writing this though wasn’t all that. i woke up and just felt this aching shame and sobbed, still am i can barely see, in my bed (so much snot). i’m so scared, more than anyone can possibly try to understand, of it all being gone. of never having to take a pill for this anymore (i still have dat mental illness so not those), or of never needing the knowledge of different types and locations of headaches. i’ve began to feel prideful in having a neurological condition. it makes me something, i have something i can tell. this is the thought that started the spiral. i feel something with this pain. what will happen when i can’t feel this anymore? what will i turn to next? what does the loss feel like? (is that corny or shallow bc it sounds so??) my therapist asked me ‘why i didn’t want to rid it?’ and i was like ‘i genuinely don’t know’ to which he replied ‘i think you do’ and i was all sIR i legit don’t know pls tell me. i made up this random guess and stuttered through it, it felt out of body almost, leaving my lips. what if getting rid of this physical pain forces me to submerge myself in my emotional pain and deal with that? i feel like i have none pls..me?? i’m chill sans the moments like this. (he also says my tether to pain is like penance, some kind of self punishment i feel i deserve..so lettuce chill bro). but the physical pain of headaches, the imbalance, the dizziness, even the numbness in my legs, i always feel something. it’s something i can remember in my head then move past. and when i remember it later, it’s intoxicatingly satisfying and i want it to happen again. i wish i collapsed or had to crawl to my room more often. i like..want to boast about it?? i remember that moment vividly being a ‘this is it’ one too. i was home alone crawling to my room bc my legs gave out and i needed my meds for my pounding headache, and i genuinely thought i was gonna die there on the floor. that moment of me hating and scared of it though is so fleeting, only lasting the day probs. and a part of me will always hate it. that’s normal. but that’s not strong enough to overcome me. it’s bittersweet.

“it’s not the same, but it’s similar to people losing their limbs, or injured so badly they’re forced to give up their career, or an addict quitting using drugs.” sure, but you can notice, you can see all that. this is all in my head. unless you see my mri’s you would never even guess. it was why i wished my diagnosis was something with seizures, at least that’s something noticeably neurological that i can recognize myself. (am i a bad person? baby no doubt.) my old roommate once said she didn’t even know i had headaches often because i never complained or mentioned it. i would just go to the pantry and take my pill as you would with a cookie. and i’ll never be any other way, and i never was. i grew up closing the bathroom door when i threw up, washing my face after crying and walking back in the kitchen to my mom. i grew up missing moments of laughter and joy with my sisters to just lay in a dark room in pain, being checked on at the some time in the night. even to this day, i will sit in lectures when my head is pounding and i know i’ll throw up soon. anyways, my three sisters were talking about one of the other’s qualities and how amazed they are bc ‘they would never’. one of them had actually gone to class, and i softly mentioned how i am like that too, i think i’ve missed three classes in my four years (minus calc bc the class was more confusing than teaching myself). i said i’ve sat through night classes with headaches and with no meds for three hours and they were like mmm. i almost felt jealous that she always spoke of her small and big achievements, and i speak of none. no one even knew my major till this year. why, allah, why am like this? what made me too reserved and careless of myself? my education is the only thing that makes me feel worthy in the eyes of others...so mine, and i never even share it. it’s that, perfect on paper, that’s how i want to be. (because i know i’ll never be otherwise) i get up in a week of seclusion & sobbing and head off to class, sometimes i cry in class (iconic moments truly, your glasses hide wonders). last year i was sitting in this three hour class with excruciating (and i don’t use that lightly) pain in my head to the point where i had to cradle it with my hands and nearly bang it against the table from thrashing, i was in the middle of the room so i did a 10/10 job at playing it off. i never went to the bathroom or even home early...because i had another class after..which it persisted in. i had never felt that before in my entire life. another day, i silently cried like you wouldn’t believe in the bathroom stall (after uncharacteristically leaving the room) then wiped my tears, fixed my makeup and went right back into class. anyways does that even matter? am i even strong? i want to be so badly. for real this time, not this image. and i’m not. i’m barely enough as it is.

odd tangent: i don’t care enough or at all about the people i should and i lie to make em feel good and feel better. i know people that love me would still, with this loss of pain, but i doubt myself, and i underestimate them yeah. i say 'them’ like i care what half the people in my life think or care about, it’s just noor and rose. i love rose but i don’t bring these things up, i don’t normally update and i don’t think i’ve ever opened up about my trauma enough for it to mean more than anything superficial. we have this beautiful relationship, yet i don’t find purpose in telling her if need not be, maybe one day. it’s different with noor. i babble all the damn time about everything and feel myself have no filter with these things. i mean, i mention noor to rose too, as if she’s a mutual friend. i care for them both. i love them both in different ways, both ways that are rare for me. rose wasn’t the first person i’ve met or cared about, but she was the first person i remember loving the way i do. i wish i could describe how i feel for noor simply, but i can’t. there was a long-while where she was more important to me than my family, even my sisters (i know, i was like uhmmm). i’ve written something, poem or prose, of almost everyone that was close to me aka 4 peeps (let’s not get wild here). and yet, i’ve written nothing of noor. i’ve written for her yes, but not of her. i tried and it’s arguably the hardest thing to do and i’m quite adequate at writing, if i do say so myself. i tried once in 2017, i stared at the screen for so long just backspacing bc nothing made sense. she’s my emotional support high school sweetheart that renders me powerless with my own words. (does that help?)

back to our scheduled program: physical pain. it’s been maybe 10 years now that i’ve made a home for it. sometimes the lights go out when it gets bad, and sometimes i decorate with flowers when it excites me and brings something new. the house is probably the ugliest thing you’ve even had to lay your eyes upon, but it’s the best i got and it’s mine to come home to. i wouldn’t give her up without a fight. and i think that’s what my mind has been doing for so many months. trying to save my home, trying to keep every symptom of pain that i have. one day i’ll have to move out or i just die in here. both are changes i just can’t seem to make. i feel like i’m running out of time to sell it and move out, to do something and get rid of the pain. and, i feel like i’m making a mistake choosing to die in here, ignoring it and having it stay or get worse. if it gets worse, i’ll need help and the day i stop feeling like a burden to people, especially my family, let me know would ya. i don’t even often know how to ask for help if i wanted it - and then there’s being cared for that’s a nope to me. i can handle every moment of my pain from all my symptoms and condition, and yet i’m the weakest person in so much. i’m not a person that fears much, most times i find it impractical honestly. i reminded myself of that on my bedroom floor last year in february, during a moment of weakness. (also yes i use a lot of home analogies in writing ok) note: i’ve been mulling through this surgery decision for maybe a year on end now.

do i wish i was scared and worried to feel an ounce of normalcy? of course. but i’m not, i wasn’t even relieved with the diagnosis that day, went out and got pizza broo. even when i thought i was going insane. because what does it matter if it doesn’t change the pain? it’s kind of strange, but when i think of all this physical pain ( is it mental too idk??), i hear this voice in my head that smoothly and confidently says “gimme all you got.” i daydream of how much more i can take, what different things my brain and body can devise before i crack. and, obviously this voice personified does this...with finger guns.

#what's good in the hood #eid mubarak to me!#asiya's thoughts

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