#please why cant i accept he doesnt like me back why cant i accept it i just want to accept it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rayraelleaizawa · 2 months

Text

They say something hurtfull in an argument

TW: sad, slight angst, fighting

Characters: Shanks, Beckmann, Mihawk

Side note: a bit ooc cause they'd never say something like that but we live for angst

Part 2: Making up after an argument

Shanks

"Why do you always have to be drunk?" i asked him as he woke up with yet another hangover. Being together with Shanks is amazing, he loves you, he gives you everything you could wish for and more, but there is one thing you hate about his beheaviour: the constant drinking.

"Because we are pirates, we have to party" Shanks answered with a grin before he groans due to his headache.

"This drinking will kill you one time, do you know that? It's also a huge downturn in bed when i want to kiss you and all i can smell is alcohol on your breath." You kept on complaining, tired of this. "Alcohol damages your body so much, do you want to die so much earlier or what?" you snapped at him.

"Maybe I need something to make me feel better about your constant bickering." Shanks said with a growl, the grin disappearing.

You halted in your tracks. A look of hurt crossed your face as you shut your mouth close. Sadness welled up inside you at the thought, that you were also a reason why he kept on having this extremly unhealthy habit.

"I'm sorry then" you said quietly and walked out of your shared quarters, now probably only his quarters, cause you werent sure if you want to go back there and sleep next to him.

You were just worried about him, why didnt you notice that you were annoying him with that? You never said anything, helped him out of all his problems that he caused by himself with his childish demeanour, you only scolded him when he hurt himself. He never hurts others, he only lets himself get hurt. And that frustrated you beyond believe.

Didnt he know how much you cared for him? Did he even care? Are you even enough to make him start to look out for himself?

Tears rolled down your cheeks as you hid yourself in an empty room on the ship. You tried so much to accept his drinking habbits, you didnt even ask him to stop, just to not be drunk 6 and a half days of the week, and that every week.

You burried your face in your knees and cried. Where you that insufferable that he hurts his own body just to be able to endure your company? If you left, then he wouldnt do this to himself anymore, right?

Benn Beckman

"Really? Another one?"

You say annoyed as you watch your boyfriend light up another cigarette.

"Yes. Another one."

He plainly answers. You guys had this discussion before. You wanted him to smoke less, he said he'd try to but the amount doesnt get any less.

"Benn this really damages your lungs. Cant you please try to smoke less?"

You asked again, and he sighed annoyed.

"They help me relax."

You started to get annoyed by his short answers.

"You could relax with other stuff. You could take a bath, or i could massage you, or we could just spend time together."

You suggested as he sighed out audibly annoyed.

"And you think after all the work and stress I have the whole day I want to spend it around a person which constantly nags on me and where i cant let my mind settle even a bit?"

He snapped, looking at you angrily. You looked at him with an unmoving face before you adverted your eyes. You didnt want to show him that his words hurt.

"I'm sorry, I didnt know you couldnt let your guard down around me."

You said defeated, turning around and slowly walking away. You could hear him say your name quietly but you didnt want to turn around. You just walked under deck and into your cabin. You sat down on your desk and started working, tears running down your face as you felt a coldness within you.

Does he not trust me enough? I didnt know that I am a stress factor for him.

Dark thoughts pleagued your mind as you tried to just work through your feelings. You tried to not be even more of a burden. Tears ran down your face, some of them hitting the desk and some hitting the papers with the lists and research about the treasures your crew had gotten lately.

Benn works so hard, and I never made him feel better. I just added to his stress. He'd be better off alone, right?

Dracule Mihawk

"Could you please tell me when you plan on leaving?"

You said to Mihawk as he came back after two months without telling you that he'll be gone.

"Why? I have my own free will if i remember correctly."

"Because I worry about you when you just suddenly disappear! It isnt that hard to just leave a note or something when you cant tell me in the face that you have to leave."

You were angry at him. What did he think? He was your boyfriend so why couldnt he just tell you when he left for weeks?

He puts down his hat and went to get some vine but you stopped him. Him not even looking at you makes you feel like you're unimportant to him, that this whole matter is of no interest to him.

"Do you really care so little about my feelings? Or am I just a nuissance to you right now that you cant even stop walking when I talk with you."

He then looked at you, annoyance but also a sign of being unbothered on his face.

"You're acting like a child. If I leave again and dont come back you'll at least know why now."

He said that so matter of factly that you were stunned about his coldness. He moved around you to the kitchen to grab some vine, and you just stood there.

Did he really just say that I am the reason why he doesnt want to come home anymore?

You shook your head slightly, recalling his words again and trying not to be hurt by them. As you hear his steps starting to come back, you hurried out of the room and into your shared bedroom. Tears streamed down your face as you tried to make it make sense.

When did he start hating to come back to you? What exactly was so annoying about you? Why didnt he just tell you that he didnt like your behaviour anymore? Does he even like you anymore?

All those thoughts were running through your head as you packed the little clothes and stuff you owned. You didnt touch a thing that he bought for you. If he wanted to leave and not come back, then you will make it easier for him and leave on your own. That's what he wants, isnt it?

After you finished packing you quietly stepped out of his castle and made your way into the woods. Tears were still streaming down your face, but you ignored them. This was for the best, right?

#one piece #shanks #akagami no shanks #red hair shanks #dracule mihawk #mihawk #benn beckman #beckman #benn beckman x reader #shanks x reader #mihawk x reader #angst #light angst #drabble

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mx-darling-1 · 1 year

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Hello! If it's okay, can you please write some headcanons of Wally with a reader who has constant back pain? Thank you, have a nice day and remember to drink water!

Of course! I don't experience it much myself, so I did some research for the chapter! Please let me know if I represent anything wrong!

Wally Darling X GN Reader Back Pain Headcannons

❤️ When you first moved to the neighborhood, your friends quickly noticed your 'predicament'. You would struggle to lift larger objects, being extreamly in pain every time you tried. Their would be times, fairly often, when you would simply be walking and the pain would hit. You supposed that was why Wally took such an interest in you. Wally was by your side at all times, as soon as he noticed any pain he was right there to help you. He got Howdy to order pain meds, and started to get you medication that lessened the pain you were so consistantly in.

🧡Some days were worse then others, you accepted that. Wally on the other hand...he could never accept it. On your worse days, Wallys lays you down on the couch, gets you comfortable and puts on your favorite show. Hes always a bit touchy about you spending time with people other then him. But, whenever you ask him to, he invites all of the neighbors over to spend time with you. Though its important to him that they dont hurt you any worse since you were already in pain.

💛On days your pain is a dull ache, you help the neighbors with different activities. Sometimes youll make costumes with Sally, bake with Poppy, or watch butterflys with Frank. Youve taken notice to the fact that Wally is always keeping an eye on you during these days, although he takes a step back to be less obvious. At first it was definitely a bit odd and caused you slight discomfort, but the longer you stayed in Welcome home, the more you became used to it, after all, it was Wallys way of expressing his concern for you.

💚Youve grown accustomed to Wallys constant concern for you, and you figured that he just cared this much about all his neighbors. So, you decided to test the theory, just by watching his interactions with the others of course. But...he never seemed to be as concerned with any of them and his special attention became very apparent to you. This is when you finally spoke up to him, after all you didnt want to be babied or looked down upon simply because of some pain that youve grown accustom to.

You walked towards Home, asking to be let inside and the door simply opened. By Wallys command, Home was supposed to let you in whenever you asked after all. Quickly you made your way to Wallys room and knocked on the door. "Hey, Wally, we need to talk." You hear his muffled voice through the door, not to sure what he was doing this morning, but he was obviously not asleep. "Of course dear neighbor, come on it." You took a deep breath before opening the door. As his room came into view you could see Wally sitting at his vanity, his hair was still down as he was doing his makeup. "What did you need to talk about neighbor?" Wally turned to you, tilting his head slightly in confusion.

"Well, I wanted to ask why you baby me compared to the other neighbors? I know I experience pain...and thank you so much for trying to help, but it doesnt mean I cant take care of myself or do basic tasks!" Wally quickly looks panicked, waving his hands out in front of him. "No no neighbor! It isnt like that at all! I just dont want you to hurt yourself!" You look at him a little in disbelief. Although you enjoyed the sentiment, you simply werent that incapable. "Eddie is more accident prone then I am!" Wally huffs slightly, struggling to explain his emotions and desperatly not wanting you to be upset with him.

"Eddie is different!" You truly didnt understand why Wally was treating you different, and it hurt your pride, as well as your heart. He was treating you like a child, and you just wanted him to see you as an equal. "How is Eddie any different then me??" Wally looks at a loss for words for only a moment, collecting himself before looking into your eyes. "Because neighbor, he isnt you. You are so precious to me, and I simply wouldnt be able to stand it if you were to get hurt..." You head began to hurt, you simply couldn't understand what Wally was trying to say, and Wally didnt seem to know how to say what he wanted to. Luckily, a few creaks and groans came from Home and Wally spoke up again. "Youre right home!" Walky turns back you, walking over and gently grabbing your hands. "Your pain matters to me, because I love you [Name]."

Hopefully this was okay! I definitely struggled a little, but hopefully its not to noticable! Have an amazing day and remember to drink something!

#wally darling #wally darling x reader #welcome home #gender nuetral reader #oneshots #x reader #gn reader #reader with back pain #protective wally #wally darling fanfic

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chiiyuuvv · 5 months

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heyy can I request xikers reaction to you being insecure about something in yourself(anything, u name it) thank youu and I love your writing 🤍✨

• PAIRING — xikers x fem!reader

• GENRE — comfort, insecurities, yeah

• WORD COUNT — 695

• AUTHOR'S NOTE — Everything that i have written has been pulled from here so if there was something i didnt name or you'd like to read more about, i highly suggest it :)

• TAGLIST — @lil-elle , @hyunukitty , @cake1box , @mars101 , @nenede , @soul-is-a-strange-kid , @the-lemon-boy , @yuniniverse , @hunchan444 , @s00buwu , @cherrycolaberry

MASTERLIST! – JOIN THE TAGLIST!

"I'm not going to get into that college"

First and foremost, minjae understands the pressure to get into a certain college in order to please your parents. But you wanna know whats more important? Why do you wanna go? Other than pleasing your parents. After a long talk and cuddle, you should come into a better sense of whether or not college is something you want to do. But either way, you should always believe in yourself! ♡

"I don't have many followers"

Junmin's going to take away your phone. Not because you did something bad, but so you can take a break. Go outside, turn on do not disturb and take a walk with your lovely boyfriend. Its a win-win for you, him, and his dogs. A win-win-win, technically ♡

"I don't have a good fashion sense"

As someone who likes to dress a certain way, sumin knows what its like, but he has a tip; dress for you. When you wear things that make you happy, you often forget about the others around you, and their opinions. It also helps you stand out from the crowd. Wear what you like ♡

"I cant do any better"

Grabbing both of your hands, jinsik will give them a tight squeeze in front of the mirror, making you repeat the same mantras every morning. They may feel silly at first, but over time they help you convince yourself that you are worthy of whatever you desire ♡

"I dont have many friends"

First, hyunwoo will talk about the importance of friends. Friends that help you grow to become the better you and give you a good laugh. Friends that would never judge you for their own benefit. That being said, you need to eliminate the ones that dont actually care for you. Worry less about the quantity, and more about the quality. Who cares if you only have 3 friends? As long as youre happy and growing, thats all that matters ♡

"I'm not pretty enough"

Beauty is subjective. You may be insecure about one thing, but junghoon, 9 times out of 10, finds it really stinking cute. But what he feels doesnt matter, what others think doesnt matter. How you think matters!! So stop worrying about other peoples eyes and work on your inner self. If youre happy.. youre at peace, and if youre at peace, you start to smile. And thats very attractive ♡

"I'm not that smart"

"Why dont you think youre smart?" Seeun would ask, his chin resting against his hand. "Why do you want to be smart?" These questions may be dumb but they have meaning. We all have the ability to learn something. After all, life is about experiencing things and growing from it. It all just takes time, so dont stop believing in yourself, 'kay? ♡

"No one will miss me when im gone"

Although you may feel alone and think no one would care, yujun would care. Yujun would always care. But, stop worrying about the future, you know? Live your life in the present with no regrets. Every moment spent worrying is a moment spent not really living. When you obsess over that type of stuff, you are missing out on whats in front of you. And when you miss that, you wont realize the people who love and support you ♡

"I feel overweight"

Hunter will take you to the gym, but not just so you become 'thin' and everyone will accept you, to focus on being healthy, mentally healthy too. Focus on getting in shape with a well balanced diet and exercise program. Hunter will help! ♡

"People talk behind my back"

"Do you know that for sure??" Yechan would ask, poking his fork in his salad. "Because most of the time, its just an imaginary conversation you have in your head. Stop worrying what other people think and focus on your well being. But what you said is true, expect to see me at your school." He finishes, shooting you an innocent smile ♡

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writers-wrongs · 1 month

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Hey!! Could you please do yandere hc's for Arkham Scarecrow x male reader? God I love me a man with a rotting burlap face 🖤🖤🖤

as do i. tbh, when i was playing arkham knight, id sometimes die on purpose just to see his little taunt thing :P

yandere!arkham!scarecrow x male!reader

-fuck it, im making you crazy. you meet him in arkham asylum, after wandering into his lab once you get out of your cell

-he honestly doesnt have any interest in testing on you, as most people in arkham all fear the same thing: batman. but youre not disruptive, so he supposes you can stay in his lab

-you start asking questions about his toxin, and while he doesnt show it, he really appreciates it. most people dont care about the science behind his work, they just want to weaponize the effects, so its nice to have someone curious about the work hes done

-eventually, he has to go do the "screw with batman and get bodied by croc" thing, so he leaves you behind. and then you dont see him for a long while

-ill be real, i havent played arkham city yet, so we're just gonna skip to arkham knight.

-its just before the attack is launched on gotham, and youre just doing your thing in the city when you get kidnapped. once the sack is finally taken off your head, youre at ace chemicals face-to-face with scarecrow (whos looking a lot worse for wear)

-"ah, there you are. ive finally found you, my little inmate."

-he explains that youve stuck in his mind since that one time you met and he couldnt get you out no matter how hard he tried. he gets fixated on things very easily, you see, and he hasnt been this obsessed with something since he first discovered the wonders of fear. so hes going to keep you secure at his side, whether you like it or not

-if youre ok with this (whether you actually like him or if you just want the safety from all the destruction), hes incredibly doting. whenever hes sitting, youre snuggled up on his lap. whenever he has to go out and leave you, hes got the nicest room he can find in a chemical plant ready for you, with multiple guards keeping you secure. as he works, he talks to you, trying to get all the information he can about you

-if youre not accepting of this arrangement, hes going to be more than a little pissed. you dare deny his protection? why shouldnt he just throw you back out into gotham and let the cloudburst consume you? he wont do that, hes far too invested to let you lose yourself like that, but he might just give you a dose of toxin. and another dose. and another. as many doses as it takes for you to start clinging to him for comfort

-hes not super physically affectionate (mostly bc i headcanon him with chronic pain after the croc incident), but he does love to hold you. seeing you secure in his arms, unable to leave unless he lets you... he loves the feeling of control. as for kisses... he cant do much in that department, since he doesnt really have lips anymore. but occasionally he'll sort of bump his mouth on you, which gets the point across

#writing the wrongs #yandere x reader #jonathan crane x reader #yandere scarecrow #scarecrow x reader

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verysium · 6 months

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i so so agree w the sae takes!! additionally to what u said i feel like that mf can also be an emotional hypocrite to himself sometimes. especially about the reliability and independence thing. if the relationship is at a stage where thing are not fully figured out i feel like he'd struggle a lot. sae always told himself that he could only be w someone who is as independent as he is and doesn't want anyone slouching on him and you seemed perfect. you are chill and easy to get along with. you dont really expect him to go out of his comfort zone to please you. but sometimes that made him feel frustrated yk. he wants you to rely on him sometimes because he's you're boyfriend after all. he gets mad when u don't want to accept the expensive gift he got you because why wouldn't you he's your boyfriend after all. he gets angry when you dont get mad at him and ignore him for a while like girlfriends usually do for cancelling a plan last minute because of some match ot training. he gets pissed when you dont insist on going to a place you offered to go and he told you he was busy. why won't your anger go beyond an "oh ok" ? he's your boyfriend after all. right? with time all of this makes him feel insecure (he doesnt know he feels insecure, he just has a weird feeling thats all he knows) and all that irritation that he feels, he feels inside and maybe you can tell or maybe you cant but in the end of the day he doesn't communicate his feelings. and that's why he feels like that. also i think sae is not that emotionally mature as the fandom mostly paints him out to be. he's just not visbly reactive and doesn't understand half the shit he's feeling. but when you guys confront each other and he finally communicates -even if its just a little- you guys find a way to balance it. you understand each other. wich of course takes a while w a mf who has the emotional intelligence of a door but it's ok I still love him. btw sorry for rambling my god this is so long 😭🙏

🫡 yup. u hit every single point. tbh your nonchalant attitude is the wake-up call for sae. he finally realizes that he's actually in love with u cus why else would he be so worked up over your reactions? he tries so hard to act like he doesn't care, but then when you do the same, he's like: wait come back i actually do care. his personality is very contradictory largely because he doesn't know what he wants when it comes to love. romantic feelings have always been secondary to him, and it's rather unfamiliar territory compared to football. and we all know how sae tends to stick to what he's innately good at.

i also agree with you on the emotional maturity part. rin can sometimes work out what he's feeling and find ways to address it. with sae, it flies completely over his head. he has no idea what his emotions are. he just knows that he's feeling them, and somehow that pisses him off lol.

honestly, his internal struggle is somewhat endearing to me. he'd complain about how romantic couples do this and that for each other (as if he's not one of them), but then when he's alone, he's the biggest sentimental sap out there. like did u see the soft look in his eyes when he reunited with rin again during the u-20 arc? we get it sae. u missed ur brother and ur not very subtle about it. *sigh* he's so stupid. i love him so much.

#asks #blue lock #sae itoshi

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borathae · 5 days

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Chapter 10

ALSO HOW DID SHE GET BACK LATER?? wasnt she waking out of the uni? how did she end up in bed?? doesnt she have any classes on tuesday or wednesday? cuz then she would have realized somethings wrong

hold on i checked, she didnt have any classes on tuesday and was in library studying, so she is doing the same thing on wed too. and uni/colleges doesnt call you if you didnt attend until its not enough to apply for exam. holy shit she is only going to realize it until she goes to her class and finds out the said class was yesterday and today is tomorrow

GO AWAY (JIMIN) ANNA ofc joon stood up cuz it was yesterday and not today

THE MOVIE RAIN SCENE YEEHAW He is drenched, hair sticking against his forehead and shirt clinging to his body. IM GONNA DIE IM SIMPING TOO HARD AAAH

ok apology accepted i guess

“force of habit perhaps." that hurt

keekek they are running home in the rain THEY ARE RUNNING HOME IN THE RAIN AAH JAOLXGWUIS giggles

STOP THEY ARE SO FUCKING CUTE WITH ALL THE SPLASHING AAAH I CANT PLEASE WHY AM I SINGLE AF 😭😭

If he keeps kissing you like this, you can’t guarantee that you won’t jump his bones right here and now. You twist his tie, needing him closer. TWISTING THE TIE AAAH PULL THE TIE FUCK

ALLOW ME TO FUCK YOU HOLY MOLY NOBODY SAYS THAT AND THATS SAD AS FUCK but it also makes it extra hot when tae says it

30 BUCKS FOR AN UNDERWEAR WTF YALL IT BETTER HAVE GOLD LACE OR SOMETHING i can get a dozen of normal underwear for less than 30 riyals???

FUCK THE TURN FROM ALL THE SWEET TALK- DIRTY TALK TO DESPERATE AS FUCK aaah my skin's hot??? oof

shit she is soo ruined, You are pretty sure you just gave birth. SHE GAVE BIRTH TO KTH 1 CONGRATULATIONS

Allow me to find my release on your chest”, THIS IS SOO FUNNY AND HOT AT THE SAME TIME

LICKING HER CLEAN FUCK IS THIS THE HOTTEST SMUT I READ OF YOURS??? (me with all your smut fuck)

“Vampires?” Taehyung gasps and inhales so harshly that he chokes on his spit, “my” – cough – "darling" – cough – "why would" – cough – "you think that?” - cough. ha caught u in 4k

SAYING JOON was in her dream caught his attention ALSO RM??

NOT YOU TO TAE NOOOOAUR AARGH *im this close to jumping off a cliff

oh my god idk what to do AAAH IM PULLING MY HAIR OUT

ALSO HOW DID SHE GET BACK LATER?? wasnt she waking out of the uni? how did she end up in bed?? doesnt she have any classes on tuesday or wednesday? cuz then she would have realized somethings wrong. hold on i checked, she didnt have any classes on tuesday and was in library studying, so she is doing the same thing on wed too. and uni/colleges doesnt call you if you didnt attend until its not enough to apply for exam. holy shit she is only going to realize it until she goes to her class and finds out the said class was yesterday and today is tomorrow

THE CONFUSION IS GROWING LIKE WHAT DID JOON DO TO HER?? WHAT ARE THEY ALL DOING TO HER?? HELP HER

THE MOVIE RAIN SCENE YEEHAW He is drenched, hair sticking against his forehead and shirt clinging to his body. IM GONNA DIE IM SIMPING TOO HARD AAAH

relatable. valid. me.

ok apology accepted i guess

hahah me when wet!Tae JFAJSDF

“force of habit perhaps." that hurt

the pain </3

keekek they are running home in the rain THEY ARE RUNNING HOME IN THE RAIN AAH JAOLXGWUIS giggles

HAHAHHA ME

STOP THEY ARE SO FUCKING CUTE WITH ALL THE SPLASHING AAAH I CANT PLEASE WHY AM I SINGLE AF 😭😭

me fr (I was at a street festival yesterday and the men there reminded me why I'm single. imma stick with my delulu fictional men tbfh)

If he keeps kissing you like this, you can’t guarantee that you won’t jump his bones right here and now. You twist his tie, needing him closer. TWISTING THE TIE AAAH PULL THE TIE FUCK

LIKE I NEED HER TO PULL HIM AROUND BY HIS TIE

ALLOW ME TO FUCK YOU HOLY MOLY NOBODY SAYS THAT AND THATS SAD AS FUCK but it also makes it extra hot when tae says it

like he is the king of consent AND I NEED HIM

30 BUCKS FOR AN UNDERWEAR WTF YALL IT BETTER HAVE GOLD LACE OR SOMETHING i can get a dozen of normal underwear for less than 30 riyals???

lmoaoao me fr JFADJ

FUCK THE TURN FROM ALL THE SWEET TALK- DIRTY TALK TO DESPERATE AS FUCK aaah my skin's hot??? oof

barking at him out of my vagina tbfh

shit she is soo ruined, You are pretty sure you just gave birth. SHE GAVE BIRTH TO KTH 1 CONGRATULATIONS

I forgot I wrote this BAHAHAH 😶 help why is she so unserious? jfasjdf

Allow me to find my release on your chest”, THIS IS SOO FUNNY AND HOT AT THE SAME TIME

HFAHDSHF I need him so bad

LICKING HER CLEAN FUCK IS THIS THE HOTTEST SMUT I READ OF YOURS??? (me with all your smut fuck)

LIKE BESTIE I ALSO FORGOT I WROTE THIS LIKE BARKING AT HIM

hfhadshf he is panicking hard

SAYING JOON was in her dream caught his attention ALSO RM??

jfajsdfj they are NOT subtle with it AFHSDFH

NOT YOU TO TAE NOOOOAUR AARGH *im this close to jumping off a cliff

LIKE STOP GASLIGHTING HER!!!!

#asks: sanguis alpha #asks #minusback #tw: long post

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lesbian-empress-nero · 2 months

Note

“Do it.”

Ken stood, frozen and trapped. Papa was there, but it wasn’t Papa.

It was Shinjiro-san. It was Shinjiro-san as he had been on October 4th, 2009. He stood hunched like his peacoat weighed the same as the sky, his eyes were dark and half-lidded- exhausted.

“Just... Let me give you one warning,” Shinjiro-san said, and Ken tried to stifle his sobs.

“No, no- No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to kill you! Please, let’s just go! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’ve changed my mind!” He pleaded, and someone else walked up. It... looked like him.

“You know you cannot undo what’s been done. Why do you try?” Not-Ken asked. Ken trembled as he tried to speak.

“It’s my fault! It’s my fault he almost died, it’s my fault he struggles now... I want to help him, I don’t want him to feel bad anymore! He carries guilt too, and it’s still because of me!”

Shinjiro-san vanished, leaving Ken and his Shadow alone.

“Do you still see him as he was before? Or has he changed in your eyes?” Shadow Ken asked, and Ken bowed his head.

“He’s changed. But I still- I still see that day. It’s Papa I see now, though, not Shinjiro-san. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Would it be better if I had died that day!? Would it have been better if Papa had let me die, if Takaya had killed me and-”

“And you died in Papa’s arms? Leaving even more guilt? He feels bad enough over the death of your mother. Imagine how he’d feel if he had been the cause of another Amada death. He has begun the journey to forgiveness. He wouldn’t have made it past that night if you had died,” his Shadow said, and Ken sank to the ground, hugging himself and sobbing.

It was all his fault, and yet Papa was still alive. Papa still cared for him. Papa still loved him. “I’m sorry...”

“You don’t want to die. You want to live, you want to join the soccer team and pass middle school and see Papa and Dad happy. You want to see Goro graduate. You want to live,” his Shadow said, and Ken nodded shakily.

“How can Papa find it in himself to forgive me...? After all I’ve done, how can he-?”

“KEN!”

There’s a sudden thundering of footsteps, and someone strong scoops him up, spinning him around and hugging him.

Ken recognises the scent of cinnamon and cologne, and hugs back. “Papa-! Papa, I’m so sorry-”

He devolves into sobs again, and Papa presses a kiss to his head, holding him more gently, rubbing circles on his back.

“Hey, don’t apologise. Never apologise for somethin’ like this, okay? It ain’t your fault. Are you okay?”

Papa steps back, holding Ken’s shoulders. His dark grey eyes are less tired than they once were, no longer darkly shadowed. His skin, once ashen and pale, is now a healthy tan, darker still from the warm autumn sun. He was once frightfully thin, giving everyone healthy portions of food but never taking any for himself. Now he was strong, strong enough to pick Ken up with ease.

“...I’m okay,” Ken murmured, burying his face in Papa’s jacket. It smelled like nutmeg.

After a moment, he pulled away, facing his Shadow.

“...You’re me. Aren’t you?”

His Shadow nodded, and Ken extended a hand. “Well, I am thou.”

The Shadow took it, and smiled. “Thou art I.”

He vanished, leaving a tarot card in his place. When Ken took it, he saw that it was the Justice arcana.

“...Does this mean I won't need my Evoker anymore?” He asked, and Papa placed a hand on his shoulder.

“We can find out later. Come on, let's get you home. The others are all worried sick.”

As they left, Ken heard an echo of his vow to his Shadow.

I am thou, thou art I.

Memento mori.

OH MY GOD KENS SHADOW the way the fic is ken focused so shinji is referred to as papa... ALSO DIDNT EXPECT KEN TO REFER TO HIM AS PAPA FOR SOME REASON??? thats so cute though... ken accepting his shadow accepting the fact that he doesnt need to feel guilty. its all ok now and he cant change the past... also love that the shinji illusion resembles him in p3 more and afterwards when he sees the real one, he's grown, taking care of himself, looking better, happy... i love them sm

#nero answers #shackle-foes #family au #shinjiro aragaki #ken amada #persona 4 #persona 3 #p3 spoilers #persona 3 spoilers #p3 #p4

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pastanest · 1 year

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if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @rosieathena - thanks so much!! ♡

Spencer Reid x gender neutral!reader

See Through

From the moment you walked out of Aaron’s office, wiping your eyes and straightening your suit jacket, Spencer knew. He had thought that, maybe, the argument you’d had the night before where you’d ended things, you’d just been being dramatic. You didnt mean it, he was sure. But he knows you, and the way you walked out of Aaron’s office, coupled with the concerned frown Aaron had as he watched you walk to Penelope’s office, told him everything. You had just informed Aaron that yours and Spencer’s relationship had ended. Though he had spent the previous night worrying rather than sleeping, he protected himself with the thought that the next day you would take him back, but it was over.

Initially, Spencer was worried that you were going to quit, or ask to be moved to another department away from the team just to escape him. But what you did was almost worse. You continued to work on the team as professionally as you always had, but with one fatal difference: you forced yourself to ignore Spencer’s very existence. He treasured every time he made a point while on a case, because that was the only time you would ever pay him attention. And oh, how he craved that. He was constantly coming up with ideas on how he could catch your attention, and he wondered how you felt knowing you constantly held his.

To everyone else on the team, the rift between you and Spencer was obvious, but not awkward. It was almost like the relationship had never happened, like the two of you existed in parallel universes that the rest of the team were stuck between. In your meeting with Hotch the morning after the breakup, you explained that you loved the team too much to leave them over something like that, and you asked him if he would mind making the conscious effort to never pair you up with Spencer on a case again. That was your only request in order to maintain professionalism, and naturally Hotch accepted it, with the further plea of coming to him if you needed any help with anything else.

Spencer retained a professional state too, but unlike you, it was obvious to the rest of the team that he was completely broken. He never fell out of love with you, he couldnt, while you just forgot he ever existed. He didnt know how you managed it.

And the truth is, you didnt. At work, you could force yourself to ignore him. You had to, because if you looked at him...you dont even want to think about what might happen. It’s at home that you feel it all. Isnt it strange that the lack of his presence causes you utter agony, but when you are in his presence you cant even bring yourself to look at him? You are quietly, privately devastated. When you arrive to a silent house, colourless rooms that no longer felt like home, that’s when your heart starts to break over and over again. When you’re cooking and your mind wanders to the memory of Spencer coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist, when you’re trying to fall asleep in bed and you feel the gaping wound of his absence, those are the moments that reduce you to a being made of only heavy sobs. But Spencer doesnt know that.

One person that does is your best friend Penelope, who you have cried to countless times since the relationship ended a month ago. She does her best to gently encourage you to talk to him, but you are so stubborn. She’s always telling you how Spencer came to her office that day to ask how you’re doing, because you rush out of the building faster than anyone else to prevent him from having the opportunity to talk to you. He cares so much, still.

As you walk into the building, you return to your newfound routine of keeping your head down as you walk in order to avoid potential eye contact with a certain someone. You feel as though you have to go these extreme lengths to protect him, and yourself. Once you reach your desk, you find a hot mug of coffee waiting for you. With a confused frown on your face, you lift the cup to your lips and the scent hits your nose. Whoever made this knows your exact coffee order, right down to the tiny details. You look around the room, gaining the attention of Emily.

“Everything alright?” She asks you.

You look back down at the coffee in your hands. “Who left this here?”

Emily shrugs. “I got here just before you and that was already there.”

Your frown intensifies, but your eyes light up when you see Penelope shuffling from the entrance.

“PEN-“ You call, but she holds her hands up to stop you and continues to shuffle past you, to her office.

“I KNOW NOTHING DONT LOOK AT ME!” She shouts, gaining everyone’s attention and causing them all to turn to you.

It must have been Spencer, your self destructive mind concludes, and much to your dismay, your eyes start searching the room for him. But he isnt there.

Hotch calls everyone to a meeting and you take your coffee with you, deciding not to waste it regardless of what the intentions of it could be.

Exactly five minutes into discussing the latest case, Spencer runs into the room, panting. You know it’s exactly five minutes because you were staring at the clock waiting for him to arrive.

“Sorry Im late, got caught in traffic.”

His explanation causes you to frown again. Spencer is rarely late, and never for something like traffic. He always makes sure to plan ahead and leave for work with enough time to make it even if traffic does slow his journey. On top of that, everything about him tells you he’s lying. Not only are you a profiler, but you were in a relationship with him for 8 months, you know when he’s lying. He knows you know when he’s lying, and it’s almost like he’s exaggerated his fidgety tendencies and lack of persuasive tone to make sure you know he’s lying. But why?

Blinking rapidly, you bring yourself back to the round table.

“They need us at the station as soon as possible, wheels up in 30.”

With Aaron’s usual cue, you and the rest of your team stand to your feet and file out of the room. In your peripheral vision, you see him, and you can feel his eyes on you, but you keep your gaze fixed on what’s directly in front of you. Unfortunately, as you rose from the table you noticed a small smile playing on his face as he looked at you. Even though you dont know what made him smile, you begin to worry.

Due to how long your last case ran for, every member of the team falls asleep on the plane as soon as the case discussion is over. The plane is going to land within the next hour, and the only ones awake are you and Spencer. You are sitting at polar opposite seats on the jet, that are ironically opposite enough to each other for you to be in each other’s direct eye line. You’re pretending to be reading over the case file for the sixth time, your eyes glancing up over the top of the folder to keep an eye on Spencer, who’s reading a book at his usual ridiculous speed. All of a sudden, he stands up from his seat. You flush a violent shade of pink and slide down in your seat to completely hide your face behind the folder. Spencer walks past you and nonchalantly drops a tiny piece of folded paper in your lap. You use one hand to open it behind the folder, just in case any of the team are pretending to sleep and might notice.

Come and see me.

You are beyond confused, but something inside you is so compelled. The coffee had to be from him, and now a note with a strange choice of words considering the two of you are within a few feet of each other. Although it has been a month since the two of you broke up and Spencer has spent the majority of that time coming up with ideas on how to get your attention, he’s never actually tried. He’s been too respectful, giving you the space he assumed you needed; he didnt want to overwhelm you or force something you didnt want, even if that was something as simple as a conversation. Now, out of nowhere, he’s decided to start testing the water?

As if acting on autopilot, you find yourself standing up and following him to the jet kitchen. Spencer is leaning against a counter, his hands holding it from behind him as he stares at the wall opposite him. When he hears you approaching, he immediately turns to face you. Rather than looking at him, you pretend to start looking through the cupboards for snacks.

“You came.” Spencer breathes, his entire being stunned in disbelief.

“To see you, yeah, not sure why you phrased it like that.” You reply, trying your best to withhold as much emotion as humanly possible.

“I meant it literally.” He says, and that shatters your defences. Or rather, it peaks your curiosity to the extent where you shatter your own defences. You turn and face him.

“What do you mean?” You question.

As soon as you meet his gaze, you notice tears filling his eyes. “This is the first time you have looked at me in a month. I wanted you to come and see me, literally.”

Every ounce of your existence aches to reach out and take his hand, to hold him and stop his tears before the first one falls, but you resist.

“Why?”

Spencer blinks the tears back, trying to act far stronger than he feels. “Because maybe it’ll make you realise why you act like Im invisible.”

You feel your chest tighten. “What makes you think I dont already know?”

Spencer’s eyes fill with worry and concern for you. Always for you, never for himself. “Doesnt that hurt?”

As if on cue, you feel a stabbing pain in your chest, reminding you of the pain you regularly feel whenever you miss him. Even when he’s right in front of you, you miss him.

“Of course, but it’s for the best.”

Spencer frowns. “In what way?”

You cant answer, and your eyes avoid him again.

He desperately tries to pull your attention back. “Listen, (Y/N), I can do better...I’ve been thinking of hundreds of things I could have done to be a better boyfriend to you, and I-“

You dont let Spencer finish, you take the few steps necessary to reach him, and you kiss him. Without thinking, without planning, without considering what it will change. When you heard his voice shaking and you knew he was crying without even having to look at him, there was no alternative for you. There is no way you will continue to let him blame himself.

Spencer’s shaking hands go to your waist, and as soon as his hands are on you, his entire body relaxes as though your affection invited him to a state of euphoria. And it did.

Breaking both of your hearts again, you pull away from him. “I will never, ever be good enough for you, Spencer. So please, spare my heart the pain of continuing to love someone that shouldnt even know I exist.”

With that, your hands fall from his face, his leave your waist, and you return to your seat, filling your blurry vision with the case folder. You hear him return to his seat, his steps are slow, in shock after what just happened and confused by what you had just told him. He sits and watches you clutch either side of the folder with your shaking hands, knowing that behind it, tears roll freely down your cheeks.

For the rest of the day, you and Spencer cast glances at each other every time you’re in the same room. The rest of the team notice, but none of them address it; they’re all scared to intervene in case it ruins whatever has happened to progress the two of you returning to normality. The eye contact is hesitant and slow, with one of you nervously looking over to the other, the other somehow sensing it and meeting their gaze, then both looking away quickly. Neither of you know where you stand now, it’s all up in the air, because now Spencer realises he doesnt actually know why you two broke up, and what you revealed has told him that it’s something he can potentially resolve.

That night, you’re tossing and turning in your hotel room bed, unable to sleep. He’s only down the hall, and that reality is enough to keep you awake for an eternity. It’s 3am, there’s a chance he’ll still be awake, and who makes a rational decision at this ungodly hour? Once you come to that conclusion, you fuck over all of your defences and avoidances, and allow the magnetic connection to him to pull you to your hotel room door. You reach for the door handle, knowing you didnt lock it because you hoped he would spontaneously show up. When you pull it open, you’re stunned into silence.

Because there Spencer stands, his hand raised ready to knock on your door, both of you staring at each other with wide eyes. That does it. You grab his pyjama shirt collar and pull him into a kiss.

Stumbling back into your room, he kicks the door shut behind him and the two of you fall onto your bed. The makeout continues for a few seconds before Spencer pulls away.

“Wait, why wasnt your room locked?” He asks you, his brow furrowed with concern over your safety.

You grin up at him with flushed cheeks. “I was waiting for you to show up.”

You watch Spencer’s heart melt before your very eyes as he leans down to kiss you again. “Can I lock it now?”

Chuckling, you nod at him. Ever the worrier, the sensible influence. During the time it takes him to walk to the door, you realise that he just made his first move. He didnt confront you with that coffee, he didnt force you to take it, he even avoided being there just to give you the space to think about it yourself. Although he requested you come and see him, he let you decide whether you wanted to. At the end of that conversation, it was you who kissed him. And every kiss since then, you have initiated. He’s left it all up to you. Spencer stands up and locks your door, then crawls back on top of you to kiss you again. His lips leave yours, but they create a trail down your neck, lingering there, freeing the previously caged butterflies in your stomach and igniting your skin with goosebumps rising up on your arms.

“I think I understand now.” Spencer says, mostly into the skin of your neck.

“Understand what?” You ask breathlessly.

“We had one fight, and that drove you to the conclusion that you werent good enough for me. You’ve told me that that’s something you’ve worried about since the start, and despite my reassurance, something that was reassuring you a lot was the fact we’d never fought, so when we did, that was it for you.” At this point, Spencer pulls away from your neck to read your face as he talks. “But (Y/N), as much as you think I deserve a perfect relationship, every relationship has arguments, they arent easy all the time. They require work, effort, and the determination to not give up at the first obstacle. You are perfect to me, perfect for me, and I promise to show you that for the rest of forever, if you’ll let me.”

Tears cascade down your face and onto the bedsheets. Your insecurities got the better of you and you almost lost the love of your life. But now you both know where you stand, and you’re damn sure you wont let this happen again.

“I love you.”

Spencer hasnt heard those words in a month, to say they affected him would be the understatement of the century. He starts blinking rapidly and you know he’s trying not to cry; this time you dont have to resist, you reach up and caress the side of his face with your fingertips. The tears start falling and he chuckles, holding your hand to his face.

“I love you too, so much.”

Spencer kisses you, and you feel every splinter in your heart heal.

The two of you roll over, breaking the kiss so that you can straddle him and unbutton your pyjama shirt, before assisting Spencer in doing the same. Upon seeing you half naked, Spencer’s pupils dilate, holding his bottom lip between his teeth as his eyes travel up from your waist, to your chest, your neck, your lips, back to your eyes.

“Did you enjoy the coffee this morning, by the way?” He asks, randomly.

You smile. “Yes, I did, thank you.”

Spencer grins back at you. “Im not sure if you know this, but coffee is an aphrodisiac, so it’s very possible that you-“

You shut him up by kissing him briefly, before you pull away, pushing him back down to lie beneath you as you straddle him, a cheeky grin plastered on your face.

“I can say with complete confidence that Im horny on love, not coffee, but thanks for the fact Spence.”

#spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #x reader #imagine #imagines #fanfic #fanfiction #headcannon #Spotify

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fatedbutblinking · 2 months

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scorpius malfoy x cho changs daughter: secret relationship

scorpius malfoy and cho changs daughter have a secret, forbidden relationship. she is a smart, kind, beautiful gryffindor girl, even moreso than her mother, and attracts a lot of attention. whereas no father lets their daughter near scorpius because hes a deatheaters son with a reputation of sex, smoking and disobeying hogwarts rules. this has especially been relayed to her, as her mother experienced firsthand the death of cedric due to death eaters. but, no matter how hard she tries, she cant stay away from him.

sexual tension. long glances in class. sneaking off during balls when theyve both got different dates, her with james potter and him with an angsty slytherin girl. meeting in the bathroom. midnight strolls through the corridors, teasing her with nobody around.

they almost get caught, and that changes everything for her. her parents would kill her if they found out she was sneaking around with a deatheaters son. but she cant stay away from him.

so she hatches a plan without telling scorpius: shell date her best friend james potter, someone all of her friends and family wanted her to be with anyway, so that nobody suspects anything between her and malfoy. what does james get? hes into teddy lupin, and he needs to cover up his feelings for him by dating a girl. with all the attention he was getting from girls, people were starting to wonder why he wasnt dating anyway.

scorpius fucking despises this. he doesnt know about the plan because she doesnt want to hurt his feelings or risk losing him. they continue to have sex on and off, still wanting each other, but he feels like shit that shes with james instead of him. he doesnt understand why she keeps coming back to use him if shes got a boyfriend already. and its his bestfriends brother - its fucked. feeling betrayed, he shags other girls, ones that want him because the bad boy act is appealing. he makes sure she sees him.

for a while, she lets him. because shes been loving him from a distance for so long. but everyone has a breaking point. she meets hers after seeing scorpius go off with a really pretty veela girl, someone who looks nothing like her, and she becomes so insecure that she sleeps with james.

james, on the other hand, is in shock that hes not completely gay. maybe like 80 percent. but she is really really hot so he cant even blame himself tbh. because hes not fully gay, she suggests they end things with each other since its caused enough pain for everyone, and shes already lost the boy that she loves. hesitantly he asks her to hang in there and stay with him until he figures out his sexuality properly.

so she watches malfoy from a distance again. he absolutely despises her.

james meets a boy he likes in school. they get along really well. he speaks to her about it, and he comes to accept that hes bisexual. he also accepts that teddy will never be his, and theres more out there that actually suits him.

one day she bumps into scorpius at dinner. malfoy takes one good look at her and walks the other way.

"malfoy."

"dont."

"please. i cant stand that you hate me."

"theres a first time for everything, angel."

"i just want to talk to you."

"i dont want to hear it."

"youre being a dick."

"youre the dick, angel."

"im a dick-angel?"

"you know what? fuck off. youve got no right to stand here talking to me like that when you fucked off with james. i mean, james? of all fucking people."

"but i didnt."

"you -- "

"because i loved you. i love you."

the words just come out. she cant even help them. she supposed she would prefer being known as a cheater to everyone than for outing james sexuality.

shes crying now. sobbing.

"im beyond in love with you, and i dont know what to do."

"dont cry, angel. fuck, please dont cry."

"i cant be away from you anymore, malfoy. please dont go."

"i wont. i promise."

"malfoy -- "

"dont talk, just breathe. youre choking on your own tears."

"but i -- "

"i know," he says. "and ive loved you too."

then james decides to stand up and come out publically. that makes it all clearer to malfoy. eventually they do have to confess that james and her had shagged one time to test if he was really gay (and because she was insecure), which scorpius almost kills james for, but he was shagging people too so he accepts it. scorpius and her get together properly. everyone thinks of them as the couple they never expected, but the one they needed.

#james sirius potter #james potter #harry potter #cho chang #cho chang daughter #scorpius #scorpius malfoy #scorpius x reader #x reader #harry potter x reader #harry potter next gen oc #albus potter

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yearningandpatheticaboutit · 10 months

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CHAPTER 14: I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

wc: 6054

tags: violence, attempted s/a, smut, angst, drugs

a/n: this chapter might be triggering for some people, read at your own risk.

prev chapter

yaera

i havent been to one of these events since i was fifteen. that doesnt sound like a long time, but considering my sister was still alive then, it certainly felt like forever had passed.

the dress i was given is pretty at least. its black, has long sleeves and looks like it was designed for a sexy vampire. one good thing came out of this shitfest.

but the best part is, i can hide san's drugs within my outfit. im not stashing them in matching black purse because it'll get searched, but the tiny ziplock bags fit perfectly in my sleeves and boob area. this will truly be the riskiest thing ive ever done.

irina and the others even messaged me not to forget the stuff. im so focused on just getting that money the fear i had buried inside me hasnt completely resurfaced yet.

im staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my smokey eye make up. the black hair dye really gave me a morbid yet sexy aesthetic that im not bad about. if i could describe myself in two words, it would be exactly that, morbid and sexy.

the sexy part is what bothers me. i know there are people who would agree all too willingly with that. and its not my target audience.

my room door swings open and my mother walks in. theres a strange look on her face as she takes me in. we say nothing to each other for a few moments till she breaks the silence.

"bellisima," she says, almost under her breath. "we can really never go wrong with santo. he made you look like a princess, even if you look like you are going to a funeral."

my insides squirm at the mention of his name. i tried to ignore it, but the fear i felt in that bathroom is coming back full swing. im seeing him tonight. he'll be waiting for me.

"please don't do this again this year," i stiffly begged. "you need to find someone your own age Santo. I'm...I'm not the one."

santo cocks his head to the side and smirks. "and who told you that? who said you're not perfect for me?"

"i don't fucking want you," I hissed. his eyes widen slightly, more out of sick arousal instead of offense.

he advanced on me and i blinked, finding myself pressed against a stall. i whimpered and tried to wriggle out of his grip, but my arms were pinned to the side. oh my God, I'm going to be sick.

"but I want you, and you know that. so why don't you stop playing games," he whispered dangerously close to my ear. i shivered and my nausea kept tugging at my stomach.

"i'm your only chance at a respectable man. your parents already love me. so why don't you accept the love I have for you? you'll never find anyone like me, tesoro."

"i fucking hope so," i whispered, pinching my eyes closed. he moved his face infront of mine, hovering his lips over mine. I whined and wriggle, but he isn't fazed by my struggling.

"you're a big girl now, right?" he said lowly. "i think it's time you feel like a woman."

i snap out of that awful memory when my mother clicks her fingers infront of my face. "come on, hurry up! we are only waiting on you!"

i cant leave san's side tonight. no matter what.

when i get downstairs, my nearly feel the breath getting knocked out of me. he's standing there, looking more handsome than i've ever seen him. black hair slicked back, eyebrows done. the suit is sitting perfectly. its like he's the model here and not me. god i think im going to be sick.

he gives me a small smile but says nothing.

"doesn't she look perfect, amore mio?" my mother says to my father, who only gives an awkward smile of acknowledgement.

"the two of you can sit at the back of the limo. your mother and i will take the two front seats," my father says, then turns to san with a pointed finger. "dont get any ideas, boy. i know your headmaster personally."

san awkwardly laughs. "i would never, sir."

i try not to wonder how true that is. we pile into the limo and my parents keep looking at us through the rearview, making sure there's a significant gap between us. i look over to him and all the anger i felt before is just gone. i think im fucking whipped.

hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen.

"san..."

"you look really pretty," he tells me before i can say anything. saying that with the most expressionless face makes my face drop.

"oh-"

"i just wanted to say that. you really do."

i dont know what to say. the limo is dim so i dont know if he can see how flushed i feel. he leans forward and i think hes about to kiss me. i hope for it. i dont even care if my parents are nearby.

"where are you hiding the stuff?" he whispers. oh right, his drugs.

i show him my sleeves, how the pills are pressed finely between the folds. then i point to my bust. "others are in here," i say.

he chuckles lowly. "creative. you can give me some if you need more space."

if san gets caught with this my parents would end him. everything he worked to achieve would be gone in less than 2 days.

"i think i should keep it. just in case anything happens. you know, rich girl immunity."

san nods and leans back away from me, making me feel empty. "of course."

no words are exchanged between us for a few moments. so we're really going to pretend like the party didnt happen? did that mean it was never going to happen ever again. i dont want to sound desperate but my head is screeching for answers.

but i focus on what matters tonight. putting on a show. getting irina and the others their drugs and collecting payment. and most of all, escaping santo.

"san, can you do me a favour?" i ask.

he hesitates but nods anyway.

"dont leave my side tonight. please."

he rubs the back of his head nervously. "well, i am your date. and i dont know anyone else here."

god. he doesnt realize how bad i need him.thats the thing, i need him more than he needs me. i can never delete what i have on him. i never know when this will go sideways.

the party is at some hotel. when we get there, i can tell the reception is intimidating to san. the cameras, the flashing lights. the security. i grab his hand and he doesnt protest as we go inside. both of us get patted down by security guards, of course the drugs go undetected.

we go inside and the dinner set up is fancy as fuck. i look at san and i cant tell if hes forcing the coolness to not have a panic attack, but his face is blank. i spot irina and the others at a table and wave, my mother dragging us to a separate table with our name on it.

theres a stage with a massive projection screen, where a slideshow of the lingerie collection plays. i know at some point the pictures from the shoot will play out as well. im hoping to sneak off before then because i cant handle the embarrassment.

"so this is your life huh," san mutters next to me. i frown, his tone sounds disappointed.

"whats wrong?" i ask.

"nothing. just...i cant believe it sometimes."

hes been acting so weird. is he insecure? fuck i.dont even know where to start placing questions. my stomach sinks a little at his tone. i guess he'll never get it. he doesnt understand what im really running from. i doubt he ever will. that class disconnect will keep beating our ass.

to him, anything is better than being in a gang. i guess hes right. but that doesnt mean there arent things out there that would make you want to kill yourself. i would know.

santo walks out on the stage and everyone starts clapping like this is the oscars. "good evening everyone, buenos noches, buonasera, and everything else! welcome to the launch of the new Cosa Pericolosa brand. a brand distinct for its dangerous yet delicate beauty, made of the finest Italian lace and silk. i want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate and enjoy this milestone. there will be dancing and there will be a party, saluto!"

as soon as he gets off that stage, i see his face find my parents table. hes coming straight for us. i instantly grab san's hand under the table. he turns to me utterly confused, but i cant deal with that right now.

"mi famiglia!" santo loudly says and kisses my parents on the cheek. he gets to me and does the same, his kiss lingering on me longer than i wanted. i suppress a shiver. "tesoro, you look beautiful in the dress i picked! im so glad to see everyone here!"

"we could not have done it without you, santo!" my mother gushes. "you look so handsome!"

"ah, you are making me shy. it is really you people who are stealing the show, wait till you see how the pictures turned out!" he laughs obnoxiously, turning to smile at me.

"im so glad you are here, tesoro. it is good to finally have you back. your sister would be proud of you."

"thank you, santo." i force a smile. when really i want to scream. dont fucking bring her up, i want to scream it. but i force a stupid, docile smile. fuck if this night goes on for any longer, i might end up doing these drugs myself.

"hold on, who is this," santo finally acknowledges san. he holds out his hand to him. "i am santo falcone. but you can call me santo, you are?"

"that is yaera's date," my mother chimes in as san awkwardly takes his hand. "san choi. he is a classmate."

"oh," santo's smile tightens and he glances at me. "just a classmate?"

my father forces a laugh. "of course. do you know me? she can meet someone when it is time to get married."

santo grips san's hand for an uncomfortable amount of time till he ends up needing to rip it away. "nice to meet you, san choi. excuse me, i will return to you all. i have to greet the other guests and then have them run the music. you all enjoy the night."

he leaves, giving me a weird look before going. is he fucking jealous? does he seriously think he owns me? i dont know how my sister worked with him. hes so fucking creepy and somehow that never came up between us.

irina and the others arrive at our table next, greeting my parents with hugs and kisses. "can we steal yaera for a second? she looks so gorgeous!" claire says, gushing.

"no really, i want to rip that dress off you!" anya says. my mother rolls her eyes and laughs.

"please girls, bring her back in one piece for the show." my mother says. a smirk i know to be devious grows on irina's lips.

"oh we will, dont worry, mrs marino."

im so happy to get up from that table. san grabs my dress and looks up like a lost kid. "where are you going? dont leave me by myself here," he says under his breath.

awww hes so awkward. "ill be right back. dont miss me too much."

his eyes are desperate and his smile is so forced its hilarious. "youre really going to leave me with your parents?"

"dont worry she'll be back!" anya tells him, noticing him holding my dress. "your boyfriend is so clingy, yaera."

i can tell san is trying not to murder her with his glare. not more can be said because im whisked away. we end up in the bathrooms that look like something out of the louvre. anya and claire start taking mirror selfies while irina starts putting the money down on the sink.

"all of it is here, you can count it yourself. now where are the stuff?" she says. i start unrolling my sleeves, taking four of the bags out, getting the other five from my boobs.

anya and claire quickly come scrambling. "oh god, finally!" claire says. "we've been waiting so long."

"is it really that good?" i wonder, their relief is crazy to see. "better than what you already do?"

"alone its okay. but together with what we already do? a fucking trip to the skies," irina shakes her head with a smile. "ive never been so glad to know you, marino."

mixing drugs. that doesnt sound smart. but what do i know? im not the addict.

i smile and take the money, folding it back into my boobs. "youre welcome. and you know if you need more, where to call me."

"of course. and you better answer."

"your boyfriend is so fucking hot yaera," anya says with a sigh. "hes literally gorgeous. where did you find him?"

"careful, you cougar. you cant be talking about an 18 year old like that," i joke.

"im not even twenty three shut the fuck up!" she shoves at my shoulder.

"so he is your boyfriend?" claire smiles. the three of them coo like children when i start blushing.

"im getting there guys," i say. "hopefully soon."

"what do his parents do? he looks like a model himself." claire says.

"you know this is yaera, hes probably crazy as fuck. like the last one, what was his name?" irina chimes in with a snort. "i bet this one is the reason she has drugs in the first place."

i scowl at her. shes right but i hate that she read me so easily. "bitch, just enjoy my services. goddamn it you people are nosy."

she raises an eyebrow. "am i right though?"

i roll my eyes and start to leave, saluting on my way out. "im getting back now to my date now, goodbye ladies."

luckily when i get out, theres music playing and people are on the floor. san is sitting alone by the table, taking random sips out of a champagne glass. im so excited. i actually got money back for us. i throw my hands onto his shoulders and smile widely, unable to hold my excitement.

"so guess who collected their first payment?"

san's eyes widen. "all the money there?"

"every last note. so i think to celebrate we should dance."

san frowns and cringes. "i dont dance. im fine here."

i roll my eyes and grab his hand, pulling him up with a hard tug. "is it a sin for you to do ANYTHING fun? the music is playing and we have something to celebrate, come on."

he sighs and gives in with a lame smile. "fine."

i lead him to the dancefloor, swinging my arms around his neck. san's hands drop to my lowerback as we sway and i cant ignore the happiness bubbling in my brain. i cant stop smiling.

"you seem really happy," he notes. "you're getting a big head from your first payment huh?"

"of course. its just what i needed to prove myself to you. that i can pull my weight and that im not just some liability."

"i never said that-"

"yes you did san. many times." i remind him, and his cheeks flush from.embarrassment. "i can even quote you on it if you want?"

"please dont," he chuckles under his breath. "fine, i guess you can pull your weight."

his dimples are piercing through. i stare at him mesmerized and i cant even hide it. i bet if i was a cartoon in this very moment, i'd be having stars in my eyes.

"you're perfect, you know that?" i say without thinking.

san's eyes widen, then darken in seconds. "what?" his voice is just barely together.

"i want to kiss you again," i admit. "i think its all i'll want for a really long time."

i lightly stroke his cheeks, seeing them go rosey. this is all i have. the only thing that shows me that i do affect him.

his eyes dart down to my lips and i shrink the distance between us, till we're just barely a centimeter apart.

"i dont want you to think about it," i tell him. "just do whatever you want in the moment. thats all that matters."

"yaera..." he gulps, then takes a step back. "i-i dont know about this. lets just...this isnt good. for either of us."

"says who?" i scoff.

"says me. you and i should just stay business partners. strictly business. anything else wont end well for either of us."

hearing that makes my heart shatter and my stomach drop. fuck i can feel my eyes filling with water. i try to choke.it down but i know its obvious.

"so you're just gonna.pretend we never kissed at that party?" i lay down my arms from his neck. "youre just going to pretend that never happened?"

san stops dancing and gives me a curt nod. "i think its best we do. we both know i just represent something to you. something forbidden. thats why you want me right? because im someone you cant have."

i laugh bitterly. "i cant fucking believe you."

i feel a tear drop. san sees it and frowns. "yaera wait-"

i swat his hands away from me. "you are such a fucking dick."

i get off the dancefloor and run somewhere. i dont know where. im just walking, looking for a place to break down and sob. god this is so embarrassing. im so fucking pathetic.

i stop infront of a random room and twist the door handle. its unlocked, thank god. i go inside and fall onto the bed, my chest instantly getting wrecked. i start sobbing horrifically, unable to believe how awful i feel right now.

whats wrong with me. what is legitimately wrong with me. why was he so cold? am i not pretty enough for him or something? this cant just be about the business. i refuse to believe it. and even if it is, why do i feel so worthless?

everytime jongho has rejected me and made me feel like nothing but a stupid slut flashes infront of me. the feeling stabs me like a knife.

that must be it. thats probably what he sees me as. a stupid, desperate evil slut. all i do is throw myself at him. even at that party, i couldnt wait to be all over him. im pathetic. and desperate. i should just die.

my gloves are soaked. i cant believe how much im crying. maybe i should go back to therapy. maybe i wasnt coping as well as i thought i was.

i look up into the mirror stand, seeing my make up absolutely ruined. my entire face is red, and my hair is sticking to my soaked cheeks. i look like shit.

suddenly i remember why i stayed away from men in the first place. because im too fucking sensitive. my mood depends on them. my self worth is a reflection of how much they like me. they control whether i feel emotional highs and emotional lows.

i start laughing at myself. i cant believe i got myself into this kind of fuckery again.

the door opens suddenly, making me jolt. santo comes in and closes the door behind him, smiling tightly. i jerk up and start stumbling back, backing myself into a wall to be far away from him.

"what are you doing here?" i ask, my voice shaking.

"i saw you dancing with that...child," he slowly laughs, his tone sounding bitter. "you have no business being with someone like him, tesoro."

"santo-"

"do you know how fucking sick i felt?" he snaps, stalking like a dangerous animal. "seeing you with him? while you wear the dress i picked out for you?"

being alone was a mistake. i try to dart for the door but he grabs me and picks me up, covering my mouth with his hand. he throws me onto the bed, forcing his bodyweight on top of me. im frozen, i cant move. every karate class ive taken, all my knowledge on hurting someone just vanishes. hes on top of me and i cant move.

im sobbing again. he presses his finger to my lip, hushing me.

"i should be the only one who takes this dress off you tonight," he whispers. he starts lowering the top, leaving the top of my chest exposed. "dont cry, tesoro, you'll feel so much better after. ive been waiting for this for so long..."

"no please, santo," i beg through my tears. "please just leave me alone. please just-"

theres a few knocks on the door. "yaera, is that you? can i come in?"

that's san's voice. santo clamps his palm over my lips again and i scream.through them. its muffled. i start struggling and kicking but he wont get off me. he forces his hand harder. "fucking stop," he growls at me.

the door swings open anyway. san barges in and santo quickly jumps off me, suddenly on the other side of the room. san looks between us, frozen in his feet.

"what, did anyone say you could fucking come in?" santo screams. san stays staring between us, his face absolutely blank. santo scoffs and adjusts his suit jacket before storming out and slamming the door.

i sit up on the bed, looking at san through blurry eyes. i cant even find my voice. i cant even deal with what just happened.

"did he try..." san trails off, shaking his head at me. he rushes to sit down next to me. i cant help it, as soon as he wraps his arms around me i start bawling again.

"i cant fucking breathe. san please i just want to get away from here. please can we just leave."

he softly rubs the side of my head as he holds my face in his chest. "lets go. we'll go away from here. far away from.here. anywhere."

***

san

i dont even know where to start.

yaera and i ordered an uber from the hotel, disappearing with the permission of her father, saying she felt sick and she needed to go home. they werent happy but yaera's distraught face convinced them. they have no idea what the fuck happened tonight. they were sitting with that same guy that night.

hell, i dont even know what happened. but i could put two and two together.

yaera and i havent said a word to each other. shes passed out on my chest all the way to my apartment. i have to carry her on the way in. i have to put her down on her feet when its time to go into my apartment, and she hangs on my arm the entire time.

"you sure you fine with this?" i ask her. she nods wordlessly.

i let her inside, and she makes her way to my bed where she falls hopelessly. i go and sit down beside her, not knowing what to say. i dont know any words that can fix what happened tonight.

i know so much about her, but tonight...it made me realize i know nothing.

"this isnt the first time it happened," she says, her voice low and defeated. "the first time he did it...i was fifteen. he touched the inside of my thigh in a dressing room and kept trying it till i never went back. i never told my parents...or my sister."

i dont say anything. i let her speak.

"he told me he would never let me go. that he was in love with me. he tried so many times. at my own house. and everytime i would end up in the hospital...my parents would blame me. they would say that i was acting out. i didnt know how to tell them. they treated santo better me and my sister. hes a saint to them."

i feel my head heating up. a rich prick predator piece of shit. he deserves to disappear. he deserves to fucking rot.

i bet miss A could make a bastard like him disappear really quickly.

i take her hand and gently rub my thumb over her knuckles. i feel terrible. the only reason he was able to follow her was because of me.

"so thats why you asked me to not leave your side," i realized. "so you wouldnt be alone with him."

"he gets jealous of every man who comes near me," yaera's tears leak onto my pillow. "i thought if he saw you...he would really leave me alone this time. but it just...it made him more aggressive. he tried to..."

i pull her up and bring her into another hug, gripping her tightly. it felt like if i let her go that i'd never hold her again. that feeling terrifies me. i hate it so much.

"i'll never let him hurt you again," i swear. "i'll fucking kill him. just say the word and i will."

"i want him off my skin, san," she tells me pleadingly. "i dont want to feel him ever again. i want to scratch my skin off and be clean. i want to feel clean again."

"you arent dirty, yaera. hes the fucking filthy one for putting his hands on you," i hold her face in my hands. shes delicate, like porcelain. her eyes, that are usually so menacing and careless are filled with sadness. "youre perfect. you dont deserve that, dont for a second blame yourself. you're perfect, do you hear me?"

"if im so perfect then why dont you want me?" she whimpers. my blood runs cold. fuck how can she hit me with such a heavy loaded question.

theres no point in lying anymore. this is the last situation where i can lie.

"im scared," i admit. "im scared of you. and this. and everything. ive never had something like this, ive never had someone this close to me. i dont know how to handle it. ive been alone for so long i dont know how to let anyone be near me. i never let myself have anything. i always let go."

"please let me be there," she whispers in a tone i cant refuse. "please dont let me go. let yourself have this. let yourself have me."

my chest hurts. this night isnt going at all how i thought it would. its too much. i dont know what to say to yaera. i find my eyes feeling heavy. she takes my face in her hands again and i know she wants to kiss me. fuck it, this is the worst time. but at this point, there isnt ever a right time.

i go in for it and kiss her first. her lips are soft and velvety, and she melts against mine instantly. we start to lose our softness, with yaera pulling me closer and closer. its like she wants to take all the oxygen out of me. her kiss is hard, like a cry for help, like im all the air she'll ever need.

she breaks the kiss and drags her lips down my neck, making me shudder. yaera makes her way onto my lap and i dont fight it, her legs wrapping around me tightly as her dress rides up her thighs.

the kisses turn hot and i feel my brain losing sense. this wont end here, i know it. i want to stop it. i drag my willpower from the floor to break our kiss and she stares at me, frowning with swollen lips.

"is this really a good time?" i ask seriously. "you're really emotionally vulnerable right now. after what happened tonight, do you really think-"

"san," she interrupts me, pressing another kiss to my lips. "my life has been one big emotional fucked up moment, i want to forget. i want to have this, im so fucking dead inside. i want to feel alive again."

she stops showering me with warm pecks and looks me dead in the eye. "will you give me that?"

i hold her face again. my chest feels warm thinking about how no one sees her like this. her pain. but she trusts me enough. she lets me see it.

"i'll give you whatever you want tonight. i promise."

those words were all she needed. yaera slides her hands over my chest, pushing the suit jacket off. her hands move fast, flicking open every button till my chest is bare.

she presses her lips to mine again, her fingers tugging at my hair. i moan at the pull, surprising myself and her. she breaks the kiss and smiles down at me.

"i could get used to that sound," she teases. something stirs in me. she's so hot.

i move my hands to the back of her dress, finding the zipper. i dont break eye contact, and her smile only grows as the dress starts falling apart on her.

i slowly drag my lips down her neck, and she lets out a shiver. i fight my smile and continue to leave hot, soft kisses down her shoulder, moving down to her barely hidden cleavage. yaera harshly pulls the dress down, having rolls of money fall out and exposing her chest.

***

yaera

san stares at me after my boobs stare at him. there's a dazed look in his eyes that disappears once he lowers his mouth onto my one boob and grabs a hand full of the other.

i throw my head back, lost in a cloud after feeling his warm mouth. he starts sucking and massaging, rolling circles over my nipple. this is heaven. or something close to it definetely.

i feel my thighs tightening, warmth seeping down from my lower stomach. i try to stifle my moans, my mouth just barely gasping. he looks up at me, pausing on his motion. "you dont have to hold back. i told you i'll give you anything you want tonight," he whispers.

i hold his face with both my hands, feeling like i could cum from just staring into his eyes. "i only want you," i admit direly. i'll take anything he gives me. "but rubbing on you would be nice too."

he leans back, making me yearn. "okay, open wider."

hearing those words just makes me hotter. i get up from his lap and completely remove my dress, both of us just ignoring all the money on the floor. san's eyes hang on my every movement. im in nothing but black lace, and i dont waste time in throwing myself on his lap again, legs parted and ready.

he brings his lips to mine again, both softly and yet completely taking them as his own. his hand slips between my thighs, slowly trailing up like hes carressing fragile ceramics. i shiver as he gets closer to me, his hand finally slipping onto the base of me. he drags his thumb down my clothed folds, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

i try to focus on kissing him, dragging my teeth down to his neck. i lose myself when he starts rubbing me with both fingers, feeling that jolt of warmth coursing through me.

my mouth is parted as my face is buried in his neck, pathetic whimpers pumping out of me. san starts going in circles, right in the perfect spot. i do myself the favour and move the fabric to the side, his warm fingers completely melting inside me as he pumps them in and out.

i know im doomed when i hear myself squelching. his rhythm is perfect, not too slow and not too fast, just enough for me to completely feel him and fade cloudily. i feel my high coming, my thighs starting to tense and my grip on him tightening. i start to kiss him frantically, till san keeps pushing his fingers faster. i feel like a hot coil, going and going till before i know it, im dripping all over his fingers.

i collapse onto his lap and he slowly drags them out, and i hear him prop them into mouth. i look at him with an accomplished smile on my face, shaking my head.

"you sick fuck, did you just taste me?"

san shrugs with a small smile on his face. "yeah, can you blame me?"

i cant contain myself, i kiss him again. i dont even feel close to done. "let me do something for you now?" i say against his lips.

"mmm mmm," san shakes his head, gently gripping my waist. "i just want you to feel good. do you?"

i nod. "i feel better than ever. but really, you dont want anything?"

he lets out a heavy sigh. "i didnt want to tell you this, but you feeling things makes me...feel things."

oh he just became ten times hotter.

i realize it now, while sitting so close to him, i can feel his massive boner poking me through his pants. i smirk to myself, getting an idea.

"oh no, you have that look on your face again," san mutters, moving my hair back. "what are you thinking?"

"readjust your friend. so i can sit on him."

san goes quiet, but i can feel him pulsing underneath me. its sensation is sending me into fucking heat all over again.

"i dont think we should go too far," he says. "dont get me wrong, i want to. i really do. but i dont think you're feeling hundred percent...after everything."

my smirk drops. i dont want to think of him. not right now. not while i have san's hands all over me. but i guess its not a good look if i do just jump his bones after everything that happened.

he holds my face in his hands and squeezes after i say nothing. "and dont think its because you're not pretty or anything. seriously, i dont know why you would even say that."

i shrug. my black and white state of thinking has never really helped me.

san picks up a pillow up and tosses it against the wall. "come on, lets fall asleep. we can talk again in the morning."

"okay," i mutter. i dont know what else to say. i get off him and and crawl into his bed. san follows after, his hot skin completely blanketing me as he puts his arm over my body and draws me against him.

"are you gonna act like nothing happened tomorrow again?" i ask.

silence.

"no. stop worrying."

his curt words dont register in my brain, because he places a warm kiss on my shoulder. it doesnt take me long to completely drift to sleep.

***

wooyoung

wooyoung knows he fucked up. he knows its all fucked up, he just doesnt know when he's going to tell san about it.

miss A is looking at him with cold eyes, he cant even utter a word because of the fear inside him. seonghwa is sprawled out on a broken couch, horrific burns all over him. hes barely alive, but he had it in him enough to tell everyone about what went down at the warehouse.

"changbin is dead, you know this right?" miss A tells him.

"yes, ma'am," he utters pathetically.

"so you know what you and lucky have to do."

he knows he cant stay a bitch in this gang for long. he knows its going to get real. petty stuff is all wooyoung is used to. extortion, scamming people. when he watched yunho die, a fear he thought was so far away just flashed infront of his eyes. he knew he'd come to be on the other end someday.

"you find that man...and you bring me his hand. or else, i'll have yours."

***

A/N: pls this chapter was a mess im sorry and it took forever to write , the next will be better 😭😭😭😭

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