#i really really really do. but i cant and i wont. dont worry.

[valpuduzz]

im so sorry to my mutuals i promise i dont wanna vent in here all the time because i know it can be extremely exhausting to be around such negativity and i do wanna make more funny posts but shit keeps happening and venting about it in the tags is sorta comforting in a way

#the meowing of a cat 🐱 #anyways. it is 5am and i cannot sleep because im not tired and also because i fucking hate myself #i wanna isolate myself from everyone #i really do #i really really really do. but i cant and i wont. dont worry. #actually i think i just wanna isolate myself from my crush because it's the only way i know the feelings will go away #but i cant #and i dont want to #YES IM VENTING ABOUT MY CRUSH AGAIN. I HATE IT TOO OKAY #im such a fucking incel and i hate it i hate it #im literally mister nice guy redditor #because i have so much love to give and i hate the fact he will never reciprocate. he doesnt even see me as a close enough friend #i just want to tell him how much i love him but i cant because i told him once and you cant confess again #that's not how that works #please why cant i accept he doesnt like me back why cant i accept it i just want to accept it #i want to let go i want to let go i want to let go but i cant i fucking cant and i hate it #please please please i just want to learn to live with the fact he wont and never will love me back #but i fucking cant. ive tried fucking everything. ive tried so fucking hard. and i always come back loving him more #wish i could punch my brain and my heart repeatedly. i just want to accept this that's all i fucking want #but i cant. and i overthink so hard i overthink every interaction i have with him #i want to let him know i love him but i dont wanna be a creep. he probably already thinks im a creep #but ofc he's so sweet he will never let me know that #i cant sleep and my leg hurts and my finger hurts and im shaking #i just. i really want to tell him the amount of love i have for him. but i cant anymore #he has been done wrong by many people. i wish i could give him my love. but i cant force someone to love me #god im such a Nice Guy incel.... i hate it #dont get me wrong he makes me so fucking happy. it's just the fact that i know he will never love me #and how i will never get to show my love for him fucks me up #i want to show him so badly but the love for him i hold is so overwhelming i cant possibly do that without being seen as a creep #please i just want to let go i want to accept it i want to accept he will NEVER fucking love me but i cant

[puppyeared]

i wanna post my skip to loafer art but i cant do it knowing ppl are gonna put it on tiktok and pinterest bc itd be like. bringing an invasive species ykwim

#my meds just kicked in so im feeling talkative but truly idk how to explain it #its like. with anything else id be more than happy to introduce it to ppl like monkie kid and mp100. witch hat maybe but its personal to me #but skip to loafer is special to me. and i feel bad for saying this bc other ppl do deserve to watch smth they will enjoy #hell the reason i got into it was bc my friend was kind enough to lend me her copy and i got hooked #its so ironic im saying this esp given how insecure i am abt depicting characters wrong. but i really dont want to look thru the tags #and see them on a 'can i copy your homework' tier list. or ppl getting mad abt why egashira mitsumi and shima cant just be a throuple #its just!! i wont stop you if thats how you like to engage with the show or how you interpret it bc ill just ignore it and leave u alone!! #and theres no objective wrong way of doing it!! and i know that interacting with the work is what forms a community after all!! #but keeping it tight knit is just easier for me bc nobody has to worry abt making each other laugh and we can enjoy it for what it is #fully aware im saying this as someone whos drawn monkie kid art with text post memes and owl house draw the squad templates #but at the same time i just. dont want to explain myself or give ppl reasons why shima and mitsumi are ace coded just bc it 'feels right' #fandom is a communal thing and it feels so hypocritical thinking this. too many conflictng thoughts that idk what to act on #yapping

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany. #and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

[macroglossus]

being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED

#which is dumb bc i have been formally diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses i dont think they can just take it back right????? #this is so stupid and cliche but what if i have been faking it........ all along........ Argh. #when i was in res i was put on adderall (bc the house psych just kind of experimented w meds LMFAO) and i had to go off them after like #two weeks bc it was affecting my appetite in a way i couldnt afford at the time lmao. but i do genuinely feel like it helped during that #time.... which is why i want to go on it again!!!! but im scared theyll just be like nah and i wont be able to take any of my meds anymore #is that crazy. am i being crazy rn. idk i truly do think most of my experiences w school and like. life could be explained by adhd and #when i was a kid they thought i had it but the two meds they tried didnt work for me so they just. kind of gave up #and i was really extremely unable to do school and graduated hs w an insanely low gpa and then dropped out of community college. LMAO. not #that people w adhd cant be good in school i just couldnt make myself do homework and couldnt listen in class bc i was too busy focusing on #listening. if that makes sense #IDK. idk. i know it's become like. a trend to have adhd is the issue and everything is being attributed to having it so im worried that ive #like. accidentally fallen in w that? even though ive thought i had it for forever and everyone has been like girl do you have this. IDK!!!! #idk. idkkkk im just like. genuinely scared. it's not the end of the world if im not diagnosed obviously but that means that #im just like this for no reason at all. and there's no way of helping it bc it's just the way i am. and i actually am just shitty n lazy. #epic. which incidentally is the proper name for how fucking long these tags are my bad. if you read this far sorry for being insane 👍

[parasitic-saint]

wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry

#the parasite talks #i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd #this is getting so sad #i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this #please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays #i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least #rn i will have to force staying awake #maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore #coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me #i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself #i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways) #but i hate anything below 25°C #i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont... #...look pretty im just depressed #and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this #and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin #miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway. #our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!' #we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

[bare1ythere]

do you know what its like being so absolutely crushed by everything but everyone around you is doing 10x more? And better? to have to constantly try to make yourself more marketable for a job or grad school? I just can't keep up I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to be left behind

#I have friends doing so much #and some want to do competitive grad school programs #they tell me theyre worried about getting in. but they have 100x more life experience than me #ive never had a job! Ive tried! ive really tried! #I cant stick to an extracurricular because the ones that look good drain the life out of me #and the ones I actually enjoy are solo. fandom related. and completely worthless on a resume #I just fucking wish I had the passion for science that i do for my hobbies #No matter how much I believe that someone isnt worth less because they cant do as much #everyone else doesnt give a shit. and if i dont do it all i wont be able to do the things I want #what if i just died instead.what then #shut up me #cant even draw for my own sanity. how the fuck am i supposed to have time to do everything they want me to

[floorpancakes]

#twitter repost #i guess its probably not THAT controversial i think i just really wanted to get that off my chest #xxxholic #i guess #no but like even tho mostly the quality was incredible the fact they basically were like HAHA ASSPULL and then dipped soon after is so.. #i think im even a couple chapters behind and im not even rushing to catch up on them cause it burned me so bad #also cause its clamp im like. they can and will get worse sometimes with their weird shit and i cant trust that they wont #in fact holic is a funny one cause altho im less familiar with other series i know full well holic is one of their least Messy™ ones #iykwim #obviously thats not an inherent metric but like holic is usually nonsense free but i will never stop giving clamp bombastic side eye after #parts of the og ending and MOSTLY the fakeout alt universe mystery arc turning into an irrelevant fetch quest like #how do u produce media so perfect and then do that #and its also so long past tsubaholis main writing period so its like who cares??? why now??? #especially cause it was like boom hiatus #anyway thats the main reason u never catch me rereading rei much at all #like i dont have an encyclopaedic knowledge of it solely cause the twist outcome pissed me off and made me so fckin nervous for the future #also im just worried now the movies done theyll be like oh we wrote 2 chapters ajd back to hiatus good riddance!! like #I've seen the digital fear struck into the eyes of x fans i wouldnt put it past them #anyway im still excited but god damn am i nervous and fucking suspicious as hell #sigh #why cant we live in a no fakeout more interesting arc ender world where also they decided to not pull a teacher student age gap 'ship' #ship in quotes cause they obviously dont fcking love each other #but clamp is SOOOOO addicted to that trope they wanted to mess with it a little like a cat with yarn even if its non romantic #like they were like we r a thirsty flower if we dont do something problematic even as a plot contrivance with no romance we will dieeeeeeee #one day i when holic is public domain (yeah im gonna live until like 500 im so cool like that) i will release hit doumeki movie #not trying to be a hater btw they do great work but damn if those ladies dont make me nervous as hell for where this whole thing could go #or if they even wanna finish it

[bonesrbleaching]

had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what

#lolaa.txt #what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!' #'i wouldnt lie to you!' #okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time. #its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa #also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!' #yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up. #i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men #and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man #so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up. #and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face #that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense. #shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin #you dont have to worry about anyone else. #im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to #never really have #im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are #if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box #then when would you have any space for self discovery #youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats #and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that. #and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names #and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy #and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares. #and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look? #then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness. #SORRY RANT OVER. #im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric. #tw homophobia #tw transphobes

[puppyeared]

if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified

#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing #i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though #at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself #as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed #escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date #although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL #ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting #workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety #i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back #AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO #im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts #i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem #in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material #and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school #maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess #only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard #hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms #i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work #not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall #anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh #yapping

[princekirijo]

OK this is the last post I make on the topic because I don't like being too personal on Tumblr (not anymore at least) and tbh I might delete this after a while but it is so upsetting to see people shit on people who are addicted to gacha games. It doesn't matter what it is an addiction is an addiction. I've heard of people going into debt over these things like do you understand how sad and terrible that is. And like maybe idk we shouldn't laugh at them for spending 1k+ on some anime waifu maybe we should idk treat them like a human being and help them.

#turning off reblogs on this because i dont want this spreading #i say personal because ive been affected #not the extent that i've put myself in debt or anything wild don't worry #and to me its less how much i spent and more how fucking fast i was to spend it #but thats as much detail as i'll give #because a) i dont want to discuss it with you guys i love y'all but i have to set my boundries #and b) because as i said i would literally get made fun of for it #and people justify it like 'oh the characters are well written!' yeah because they want you to care about them so you spend money #its literally what the whole system is based on #in gensh!n at least i cant speak for other gacha games #the fundemental system is still fucked up #and look i wouldn't judge anyone for playing these games because that would be hypocritical #so like if you play them whatever #but just do really really think about what you're doing #for your own sake #i know its hard too i wont lie i miss gens!n because i used to play with my gf #she was so understanding though when i came away from it love that woman so much #not sure i would have stopped if it wasn't for her #im probably making it sound worse than it was but then again its probably like oh it wasn't that bad but if you think about it kinda was #just not as severe i suppose #and like final thing but the fact that i literally dont feel i can talk to anyone about this #im much better than i was because ultimately just coming away from the game and the fandom helped #but like because of the stigma around it on and offline i wouldn't feel safe talking about it unless its a professional therapist #and that's so fucked up #sounds like im looking for sympathy im sorry im really not (maybe a little subconsciously) but i want people to know that yeah its fucked #and you're not cool or better because you bully people for it especially if you play them yourself #sorry this post is all over the place ill def be deleting this in a few hours LMAO i just need to get it off my chest #and in fairness to y'all ye're good listeners #ask to tag

[m00ngbin]

Uh warning this whole thing is me complaining about my bones and pain and stuff so if you're sick of hearing about that you should probably ignore this

Whatever's wrong with my knee spread to my hip so I think that maybe I WILL be needing a cane or something soon and it's not just a joke I was making cause I had to keep sitting down in random places

Joke might be the wrong word because it wasn't really a joke and it wasn't funny, I was just trying to be lighthearted and it didn't seem like it was really happening or that it was probable

#sorry if we're ever in a public place and i suddenly make us stop so i can sit down for a few seconds #its not because im lazy or im trying to be annoying i swear #something ive been thinking about is disability #i don't think im disabled because i can still get around and do things but sometimes it is a little difficult and im worried that #in the future I'll have a really hard time walking without pain and ill have to depend on someone more than i already do #im already going to need to live with someone for the rest of my life anyway because of mental health stuff and i really dont want to have #to give up what freedom i have left #i read somewhere that disability forces you to rely on people and it takes away your independence and totally overhauls your life #and that disability really destroys your walls surrounding asking others for help/support #being independent and being self sufficient #i pride myself on my independence and self sufficiency and seeing that slowly start trickling away while theres nothing i can do about it #and nobody knows what to do to stop it is really painful #maybe it wont get so bad that ill be fully reliant but the possibility is there and not knowing is really scary #my choice and my autonomy are being ripped away and it not a person thats doing it its my own body #im not in control of my own body anymore #maybe im being dramatic but it really doesnt feel like it #because i am slowly watching my joints get worse and i am completely helpless. i cant do anything. im watching whatever this is spread and #not a single person can tell me what it is or why its happening

[ghostdog1999]

#living in a foreign country where u dont speak the language and no one speaks english.........is difficult. #i promise you ive been studying and trying but i'm really struggling #i havent eaten anything all day bcs ive been all around trying to fix a bank acc which they wont give me bcs i need a document i cant #get without money and also i need to do the healthcheck but the website is straight up not letting me make an appointment......... #and then when i got home i had class for 4 hours and i havent tried to go to the hotel restaurant yet bcs i cant Communicate with anyone #and i know thats my fault but i promise u im trying #anyways im fucking hungry and sad and tired and i cant tell anyone back home bcs theylll be worried plus theyll tell me they told me so #and i cant let anyone here know how weak i rlly ammmm

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#srry for the continued pause in scribbles ive been feeling not very good at all #idk something just broke in my brain after our last sampling trip idk y bc it wasnt that bad but when i got back #it was just a couple days of my brain being real crazy in terms of thought patterns. it still kinda continues to b like that #but idk i haven't had a session of hysterical crying today so maybe im on the mend. its weird i haven't felt this bad in a really long time #i dont even have the energy to complain about it its just no joy. burned streight thru that. bruned streight thru my desire to draw #i mean i still draw every day but its like shitty i dont have time scribbes bc idk it all feels so fucking pointless. and im terrible at #hiding how i feel abt things so my boss is like: maybe u should take a break this weekend i dont want u to burnout. like. lady we crossed #that bridge way back in March. u r speaking to a ghost. i just. i dont kno if i can stay here until like next july at least if not longer #and it sucks bc i kno someday ill look back and this time in my life will make me real sad bc im laying here choosing to make myself #miserable and i somwhere halfway across the country my mum has tumors growing in her abdomen. and i cant go home for Thanksgiving and idk #how long ill get at Christmas. not bc anyone is telling me i have to stay. my brain just wont let me do things. i just lay here in my #increasingly chaotic apartment not taking the steps to get refunded for travel expenses worrying over deadlines and agonizing over social #interactions. worrying about all the things my brain wont let me do that need to be done and not taking the steps to get better #its stupid and annoying and i know its only going to get worse when i have to start taking measurements in the lab #ive at least been practicing a lot of german tho lmao. someday ill look back like: lol remember when u got super depressed and filled the #void with learning german? literally today my dyslexic read the word albeit as aber and it was v disorienting #idk its just fun and i feel like im at least being productive. so yea idk when ill b able to post scribbles again #but i thought id at least post something while i had the energy i accumulated by taking with a happy Canadian lab group #maybe ill join them in a year idk idk decisions decisions and so many applications the cost of which is trying to dissuade me from #getting a tatt0o :-P ay ay ay live a little! pls i beg u. but no prob not. against the rules #unrelated

[horrorwebs]

i hate my best friend earlier i was like "im scared that this guy likes me bc he said something that i would only say to people who i like, but i recognize thats its a normal ass thing to say anyway and i rationally know he does not like me, but still, my brain decided to play with that concept and made me have a terrible nightmare the other night about it and now im subconsciously scared that he will like me ( with the underlying concept of "i am scared of men")" and shell go ohohioo what if youre projecting and its actually YOU that likes him. ????? bitch did you not hear the part about having a dream where he abused me or ...?sometimes being asexual is a nightmare nobody gets it

#and i have actually considered that btw.! and no i dont like him. if i like anyone its someone else entirely.and i dont like them either so #but she did not get it for the most part which i understand my feelings are unconventional and irrational and hard to follow. but i am #quite literally scared of the concept. of a man liking me. of this guy specifically bc we are good friends why ruin it!but just guys in gen #and i dreamt he abused me..... #literal nightmare i woke up scared and confused all bc my brain hates ne #anyway. she wants to have a gotcha moment so bad #like i said before. no its not about projecting and being scared of liking him #its about being scared that someone who i care about sees me in a way i dont and demands things from me i am not willing to give #+ someone being intimidating by having more experience compared to my 0 amount #+ feeling a bit intimiddated that my new friend group will find me immature as i am the youngest one #theres a lot of complicated feelings and a lot of confusing things bc of my asexuality but she sometimes doesnt get it #its not rly about liking him. also if i do in the future i wont really give myself a headache about it ive decided to stop worrying #about things like that it never helps. #anyway this is the friend i was hopelessly in love with and i can safely say i am over her now [tangent] #anyway. idk. sometimes i feel so stupid but this fear was idk a bit more than justa silly highschool 'what if i like them'and more #'what if the people i meet want to take advantage of me and i cant learn to say no' + 'what if i have a way of self sabotaging perfectly #good friendships by implanting irrational fears into them via dream' ? #you know. a bit more heavy #idk if anyone reads my rants id you doo cool thanks but whatever this is my diary maybe i should go nack to the psychologist idk #spikeposting

[todayisafridaynight]

You can't die In Minecraft yet, what if they kiwami Dead Souls and Mine gets brought back 🥺🥺🥺 they already got Ryuji don't tell me there's 0% chance Mine could get revived in the most insane way possible.

love that the possibility of mine being in a dead souls remake should be hoped for more than mine showing up in LaD8

#snap chats #but dont worry gamers...... im very good at minecraft...... i wont die In Minecraft any time soon.... #rotating yokoyama being like 'we're going to do it right' in reference to the possibility of mine coming back in the future... #what do you mean do it right... i mean im glad at this Hypothetical f them wanting t reintegrate him properly into the franchise #but yokoyama... bro you cant just say that and expect me to be normal.... #like usually im Ugh at old characters coming back if theres no good reason or whatever but rgg characters get a pass #its cause they always leave for the lamest reasons and the thought of rgg being like #'ah shit wait this was a really good character.... how can we bring him back' makes me giggle like a school girl