#anyways. it is 5am and i cannot sleep because im not tired and also because i fucking hate myself

[valpuduzz]

im so sorry to my mutuals i promise i dont wanna vent in here all the time because i know it can be extremely exhausting to be around such negativity and i do wanna make more funny posts but shit keeps happening and venting about it in the tags is sorta comforting in a way

#the meowing of a cat 🐱 #anyways. it is 5am and i cannot sleep because im not tired and also because i fucking hate myself #i wanna isolate myself from everyone #i really do #i really really really do. but i cant and i wont. dont worry. #actually i think i just wanna isolate myself from my crush because it's the only way i know the feelings will go away #but i cant #and i dont want to #YES IM VENTING ABOUT MY CRUSH AGAIN. I HATE IT TOO OKAY #im such a fucking incel and i hate it i hate it #im literally mister nice guy redditor #because i have so much love to give and i hate the fact he will never reciprocate. he doesnt even see me as a close enough friend #i just want to tell him how much i love him but i cant because i told him once and you cant confess again #that's not how that works #please why cant i accept he doesnt like me back why cant i accept it i just want to accept it #i want to let go i want to let go i want to let go but i cant i fucking cant and i hate it #please please please i just want to learn to live with the fact he wont and never will love me back #but i fucking cant. ive tried fucking everything. ive tried so fucking hard. and i always come back loving him more #wish i could punch my brain and my heart repeatedly. i just want to accept this that's all i fucking want #but i cant. and i overthink so hard i overthink every interaction i have with him #i want to let him know i love him but i dont wanna be a creep. he probably already thinks im a creep #but ofc he's so sweet he will never let me know that #i cant sleep and my leg hurts and my finger hurts and im shaking #i just. i really want to tell him the amount of love i have for him. but i cant anymore #he has been done wrong by many people. i wish i could give him my love. but i cant force someone to love me #god im such a Nice Guy incel.... i hate it #dont get me wrong he makes me so fucking happy. it's just the fact that i know he will never love me #and how i will never get to show my love for him fucks me up #i want to show him so badly but the love for him i hold is so overwhelming i cant possibly do that without being seen as a creep #please i just want to let go i want to accept it i want to accept he will NEVER fucking love me but i cant

[gaypeople4itzy]

BOY

okay daily update wtv you call it hi hello how r yall ?

ANYWAYS

I FEEL LIKE IM LEADING YALL ON AGAIN🧍‍♀️

BUT THIS TIME ITS NOT THAT IM TOO TIRED TO WRITE, I SIMPLY CANNOT🙂 

okay short explanation but basically, as you know woohoo, I have a bunch of exams okay cool fine BUT I also happen to be at my grandparents house right now meaning that I can’t sleep at like 5am after studying and writing the whole night, my weekend is pretty busy AND IT ANGERS ME SO BAD BC I WANT TO WRITE PROPERLY ARGH🙂🙂

so yes I once again couldn’t find the time to answer all the stuff in my inbox BUT we have more role-play asks out because I wrote them as soon as I woke up this morning to be able to post something today

Just know that my winter work is in progress, I wanted to make something short (FOR REAL THIS TIME) but it turned out to be deeper than I thought, and I love the way it’s going but it’s just taking more time, meaning that it’ll be out later today (like later after I wake up) instead of before I go to sleep right now sorry again🤡

hope you’re all having a nice day/night, don’t hesitate to hmu if you want to talk, love all of you, please remember to take care ! <33333

#gaypeople4itzy #gaypeople4itzyupdate #gaypeople4itzydailyupdate #gaypeople4itzyisadumbass #gaypeople4itxylateagain

[survivor-tierradelfuego]

Ep. 8: “The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers.” - Najwah

Cody A. 

https://youtu.be/OSh0mvYBSwo

James Hayden

We just got back from tribal and Ryan was blindsided 3-1. I feel bad for the guy because he had no idea this was going to happen, but that' Survivor for you. I thought there'd be a merge at 13, but Jay's questions at tribal put some doubt in my mind. If it's not a merge, then I think I'm an ok spot if my tribe has to go back to tribal. I'm just praying to the Survivor ORG gods for a merge today or tomorrow.

Cody A. 

https://youtu.be/sg4qe6MUjJU

James Hayden

https://youtu.be/oGcQdHpBzhY

Zack M

i don't know how they did it but let's take a moment to shout out james and najwah making it through tribal! no idol needed. im so proud of them. i feel like james will gladly come back to our original alliance once we merge but najwah's commentary always leaves me feeling uneasy. no offense but like do you want to play with anyone, najwah? lol. you have to somewhat trust someone at some point in this game. i would love to work with najwah for as long as possible if she is still around after the merge but unfortunately all of the comments that have been made throughout the game will keep me from promising her anything longterm out of fear that she will run around like a crazy person at merge. also, i believe that she will be the first person to mention my name from hanuha in hopes of it becoming a big move that she could put on her resume. maola doesn't know me yet. i guess they could see me as a threat because of being picked as a captain but like i don't consider maddison a threat. lol. pedro and kalle seem to want revenge. i think it would be fun to get her out first at merge. i'm just rambling now. i'm hungry. we got the new challenge. it's some mini online games or something like that. idk. i'm not a gamer so i was like i have therapy and can't do this bye. i wonder if they think i'm making up my therapy sometimes but like if you guys have ever questioned it i promise i'm not. i have it monday, wednesday, and fridays lol. anyways, cody pedro and kalle are playing. i really only trust me and ben so like fml. hopefully pedro and kalle understand that they are playing for their lives and we win again. fingers crossed. ok i'm going to get chicken tenders. bye. 

James Hayden

Things post tribal did not go according to plan. I would've put money on us merging tonight, but instead we have another tribe challenge. There's a small part of me that thinks Edge of Extinction is play in this season. After this challenge, we will be down to 12 people and seasons post 30 that have a 20 person cast merge at 13. I think there's a chance we do merge at 13, but the 13th person is the Edge returnee. 

As far as this challenge is concerned, video games aren't my strong point. I'm not a gamer, but these games are pretty straight forward. If we have to go back to tribal I'm voting Amy. Voting out Najwah would hurt my game because it would show the rest of Hanuha that I'm not #Hanuhastrong and it would tie us back up at 6 original Hanuha and 6 original Maola. Voting out Amy gives us a 7-5 advantage heading into a potential merge, shows I'm #Hanuhastrong, and weakens Maddison who I think was the ringleader of Maola 1.0. 

Najwah

Last night's tribal was interesting and actually the hardest tribal council. Ryan started a group with James and I 7 minutes after Palena was formed which already made us weary of him. He then tried to blindside me and made me believe he's blindsiding Amy and asked me about James and his previous alliance and it was just a mess. He's an awesome person and great team player but it was just too much scrambling and we all feared he'd flip flop throughout the game, which is dangerous. I'm trying not to use this space as therapy sessions lmao so I'll keep it short. Uhm, I think i have a good thing going with Amy and James. I just really hope we win this challenge, or rather, don't come last so that I can work with them going forward. Amy let me know she has a steal a vote and I told her about my fake idol and we'd like to work together. I really like these two people. A LOT. I lied in tribal when I said I didn't want to keep things Hanúha strong going forward. I can't believe I have to lie and blindside now lmao its becoming HECTIC. I'm really hoping we did enough to at least place second in this challenge. 🤞🏽🤞🏽

Olivia A

I’m doing so bad at all of these games rn and I feel so bad bc I asked specifically to not sit out of this challenge. I play little phone games and stuff literally all the time and am really good at them and for some reason am just doing so so bad today. If we lose then it’s probably my fault but also my alliance of 3 is really solid rn so I’m not actually worried about getting voted off. I still feel so bad I hate this so much.

Cody A. 

https://youtu.be/8QZTwYzVqVI

Pedro A

if tomorrow is the merge IMMM GONNA DIEEEEE...we won once again..cause we the baddest.....honestly how am i still alive?...LIKE HOW??....chilllleeee

Olivia A.

Okay woah I’m so happy about this win I was so nervous. I feel like we’re in a really good place going into the merge I’m excited :)

Pedro A

i was about to write my pled for help to the 3 hanuha original members..so they could keep me over kalle...but now who cares...i will throw anyone hunder the bus ....to get to that final

Cody A.

Coming into this game being the competitor that I am, I never imagined even entertaining the idea of throwing a challenge.... BUT when Ben came to me with the idea of making a big move on Zack, I’d be lying If I said I didn’t think about it.. That being said however, I didn’t throw it, but I also did not try as hard as I could have.... I’m very surprised we are not talking to Jay at tribal right now.. Moving forward though, we need Zack.. I need Zack.. If we are merging tonight it is strictly a numbers game from here. I am ready to get my hands dirty, make big moves, and WIN THIS DAMN GAME!!!

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXbaQPdhQw0&feature=youtu.be

Najwah

After that whole challenge experience and this entire week, I don't even know what to say. It's been a tiring experience. Being on a tribe where no one really connects is the worst. I tried telling James that the other tribes were highly competitive but for some reason he was okay with his scores? This entire week I've barely had any sleep. Even now, it's almost 5am and people are just on our tribe, OKAY with low scores? We were doomed from the beginning. The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers. Honestly, it messes with you psychologically too. I'm tired of scrambling and relying on tribemates to make an effort. I wanted to work with Amy but she's so difficult to get hold of/unresponsive even though we are on similar timezones. James is hellbent on keeping it Hanúha strong and really, hope he isn't playing me. My heart honestly cannot deal any betrayal so close to merge, I'd also like to just enjoy my Saturday. I deserve to be on the merge tribe. Will most likely be at the bottom ass of the tribe but I want to be in it, nonetheless. I worked for it. And right now, I'm exhausted. Annoyed. Frustrated. Fucking mad. This tribe swap has honestly been DRAINING. Everyone is too nice and meek and people just don't care about winning lol.  I hate the anxiety and sleeplessness of these past few days. I forgot what life was like before this ORG lol what did I do? I miss Leanne, still. The best person in this game. I hate it here. I just want to get to merge and be able to breathe again. 

Sarah

Ahhhhh I can’t believe our tribe, Maola, won the challenge by so much. I legit thought we were going to lose and didn’t have high enough scores. Aimee freaking killed it on her scores, wow. I have been telling Aimee how to buy the small perfume bottles that give you advantages and where to get coins to buy them. She used FIVE on that challenge yesterday (I wouldn’t have used all five butttt). Part of my strategy during this tribe swap has been buying/playing advantages so we don’t have to go to tribal because I still don’t know who is close to who, and the more I’m with this tribe the more I feel like they really just don’t talk to each other and there’s not much gameplay happening. Part of my strategy with convincing Aimee to buy and use advantages was also so I know how many coins she has because that can come in handy at Merge. I also wanted to give her information about the idol hunt (which I got from others— I’ve never actually idol hunted not knowing where or what I was getting) so she could trust me. I FREAKING hope tomorrow is the Merge! How awesome would it be for our original tribe to have the majority and for me to still have an idol. I feel like after this tribe swap, Cody and I will be in the best position in the game when it comes to all of our connections with people. We have our group with Zack and Ben, I feel close with James and now Aimee, and Cody feels close with Najwah. So we really are kind of in the middle and as long as people don’t find out about how close we are, we can just get all the information from others and share with each other. I guess I won’t stop posting a brick.... sorry. 

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjWjJwew7rc

Zack M

welp. i think this is it. could we finally be merging tonight after tribal? or are we swapping to two tribes of 6? that would be super lame. all i know is something is happening and i'm glad because i've been so bored in this tribe. we keep winning. there's no reason to play. i need action. the third tribe that starts with a p is going to tribal again. i don't remember the name. hopefully james and najwah stay hanuha strong so we can go into the merge 7 / 5. if najwah turns she will be my #1 target. she's too dangerous for my game to allow her to run around. other than that ... we came in second during the last competition. we were so lucky. the maola tribe killed it. i wish i would have played because our teams scores were low key pathetic. the p tribe could have beat us if all their players had participated. like is kalle even playing the game? is she here? i talked to her once. i know i should reach out in case it is the merge but it almost feels pointless. i'm sure she will run back to the 3 girls in maola. pedro seems to legit want revenge for john and is open to work together. i hope he isn't lying because i truly do want to take him as far as i can. look, i know i'm talking kind of cocky but i believe in acting in the way you want things to go. i'll be a clown if i'm blindsided. i don't mind. i like clowns. however, this is the way i see it going down in my head ... - we stay hanuha strong - we get out the 3 girls from maola - we get out kalle - we take out aimee and kalle - we take out pedro and james - we then take out sarah - then we have ben cody and i at finale 3 just how we planned it it could honestly work. we just have to figure out idols and make sure no one plays them correctly. and that's where i'm at right now. wish me luck. 

Aimee

http://rebloggy.com/post/gif-pokemon-cute-anime-kawaii-charmander-s01e01/106470386286 Happy dance! I’m all for keeping this tribe together. Haha I may have gone a little over board on making sure I did my best on the flash games, but you really never know what the other tribe is going to be doing or getting on these challenges. I hope this doesn’t make me look like a challenge threat if I make it to merge. Sarah has really helped me with idol hunting and finding coins and where to find the advantages. This is great trust building! Thanks Hanuha for the free coins I yoinked from one of your bags at your camp.😏 After everything that happened in the last tribe and despite me voting for her, Sarah and I have really come a long way! I truly had the wrong read on her before. She is actually now someone I am very close with and get along well! Last night after we won immunity she told me she really wants to work with me moving forward in the game! Let’s do it girl! I really enjoy talking to Grae. They seem really genuine and such a kind-hearted person. They keep giving me little messages that seem to hint at wanting to work together. I think at this point it’s unspoken but we both know we would love to. We just get along so well. I also vibe really well with Maddison and I know she could be a very good ally in the future in this game. Olivia proved she is a total team player on this tribe and listened to our advice during the immunity challenge and really stepped up her scores! I am having such a much better time on this tribe and am really enjoying myself. These relationships feel WAY more organic. I will do what I can to help keep this going! I would love to see all of us make it to merge. I’m also so so happy Najwah is still in the game after her last tribal and hopes she makes it through the next tribal!

James Hayden

We are 45 minutes away from tribal and Najwah messaged me saying Amy is ok. We were worried about her because she's been MIA over the past couple days. Per Najwah, Amy will not play her vote steal. It sounds like Amy wants out of the game and if this is what she wants, I will oblige. There's a small part of me that thinks Amy is playing us, but I don't think that's the case. 

Maddison

Everyone is expecting a merge tonight, and original Maola is down in numbers. Hoping I can find cracks and worm my way in. 

Pedro A

SO i told everything to zack......he seems to rule that allience....so he will 100% tell the others....and will try to take grae and maddison out...

Pedro A

Grae and Maddison just create fake alliences.so people dont write their name down....and make people feel safe... AND im here to make justice for john PERIODTTTT.... #justiceforjohn

Ben Kessler

I hope we are merging. Pedro is out for revenge against his former alliance. Zack is a threat and I need it to be known. Cody and I are hopefully solidified. If we merge, grae and maddison are apparently big threats according to Pedro. So that is fine with me. Just gotta keep making sure the people I'm closest with stay in.

Kalle N

hey I'm super high rn and I don't remember if I did this already or not so her I go. I hope we merge soon so I can vote people out that have wronged me. can't believe we won the last challenge even after I did basically nothing. ok gtg ily bye

Amy A

So this round has been tough. My Internet issues were definitely the reason my tribe lost and I wanted to quit cos I felt so terrible but I think Najwah and I can do something with my steal a vote. I’ll steal hers and vote James so no one will suspect we’re working together and then go into the merge with our little secret alliance. Bliss 

Olivia A

I’m excited for merge but not sure if we’ll able to get numbers together and have a majority.

Najwah

All I know is that shit is going to hit the fan at this tribal and I'm scared as hell. Only three of us. You'd think it would be easier but it's terrifying. 

Cody A

https://youtu.be/QM4CiTbrjgw

Pedro A

im scared of the merge...scared of the girls allience...scared of me being a target...for being a wild card ...and scared of maddison and graeee.....kill me at this point

#episodes

[bestillmybeefyheart]

Morning. Monday, yea. Can you feel the excitement? I have a new PC to build for our intern for the summer, who I was told isnt even offfically hired yet. Yeah, it means I have to rush even more to get his PC ready before the end of the month. I also have def been feeling withdrawal from my benzo taper, which explains my recent mood and the wierd dreams etc. One of the common WD symptoms is morning terrors and heightened anxiety in the AM. I have had the heightened anxiety for years in the AM because my dose wore off overnight, until we moved me to valium with its longer half-life. But now that I'm at 14mg from 20, I'm starting to feel it. And those wierd ass dreams I had the other day, morning terrors. A common side effect, and according to what I've read they are very common and for some can not go away for hours. Which explains why I felt how I did. I was told to avoid certain foods which should help... which means my soup rice mix is now useless, I guess I'll freeze it. Im supposed to avoid sugars, rice/potatoes etc. Back to broth and chicken and who knows what. I usually know when I am in that stage, I wake up 4-5amish and am restless, having nightmares or vivid dreams that I drift in and out of, and cant shake them for a while. My morning benzo dose is small, so it just takes a tiny bit of the edge off. And my BP/HR med takes a few hours. So I think I'm going to start waking up when I wake up even if its 5am and take the BP/HR meds since they take a while and maybe that will take the edge off. As the temps outside get nicer I can go ride or walk or something to get the excess energy out of me, except that I'll be stuck after my surgery here in this. So I think Im going to ask my Dr that we do not drop me another notch until after I'm healed. I originally thought the pain meds would help mask the wd symptoms, but Id rather stay where Im at and let my body get used to this level, then restart once Im healed enough. It will give my body time to get those receptors working right and to level out again. And I'll know within a few weeks if the leveling is helping with the WD or it was something else. The worse part is, I'm on doctor ordered "stress free" relaxation and special diet to prep myself for surgery. And, even if I could go up and work at the office I'd be a mess. I wake up shaking and jittery, tired like I havent slept, etc. The latter is a side effect of benzos, they keep you from hitting full deep sleep as easily. Im going to bed at like 10pm and out cold shortly there after. Then if I watch my bedroom security camera I flop around like a fish all night. I also hate that I have to wait a few hours before I can nap to feel better. Usually by noon, the meds have kicked in and I'm feeling better. So I get up, do my morning work, then get online or here for a while, check gadget news, maybe watch something on netflix, then whenI feel myself kind of dozing off I know I can sleep without worry of terrors/nightmares. And I let myself wake up naturally. Fun with benzos. Let my story be your guide and if you can avoid getting on these because you read what I say, you are doing yourself a huge favor that I cannot explain in words. Just imagine being a child, terrified of what's in the closet or under the bed. Now imagine being an adult feeling that only its all the time. And you get a tiny little view into the world of benzo dependence. ANYWAY, so I am going to do some work, then watch tv and see if I can doze off. I have to marathon through all my fave FOX shows going away from Netflix in April. I mayb have to rent and rip them. Stuff like Buffy and Angel I own all of it. But I dont own all of New Girl, and its one of my goto fun shows when I need a distraction. I have all but the final season of Bones, not sure why i spent all day yerday watching it. Literally that is what I watched all day from when I got up til I went to sleep. I have it all recorded, just nice not to have to FFWD through commercials. And Hulu seems to have like the last season and thats it, which is kind of useless. Maybe I'll try one of the British tv show channels I can sub through my Apple TV that has stuff I have never seen. And of course during my recovery I have Class and Doctor Who. Wahoo! Rambles on a Saturday morning. Except its Monday.