#part of me wants to be >15 but that can lead to hospitalization and my family doesnt have the money for that. i used to bc i didnt care if

[tinylittlebab]

stg i better loose weight in my thighs and not my boobs

#i like them how they r. and i also dont care abt losing much stomach weight either. itd be nice to see my ribcake more but im chasing the #thigh gap so id really like to lose it there. well i only have 10 pounds to lose before bmi is uncomfortable low so if im unhappy with it #(based of actual measurements and not my warped brain) then ill work on gaining muscle and losing fat instead #part of me wants to be >15 but that can lead to hospitalization and my family doesnt have the money for that. i used to bc i didnt care if #i died but now i dont wanna so id rather not have that happen even though i still kinda want it. i know i would hate it #well maybe ill make some goals to reach by my 18th birthday in june. im gna get a tattoo then another piercing and ill look so good if im #thinner then. i have a navel piercing and its gna look way cuter on me when im thinner :D

[things-about-cars-in-posts]

what do you like about cars?

I think you knew, upon asking this, that I could only ever have answered with either an ironic one-liner or a dozen-part novel. And unfortunately, this is already the second line, so novel it is. So then, without any further ado than the literal half year that’s gone by since this was asked, let's go.

1. Engineering matters

At the end of last year (aka when I started writing this, yikes) my dear old iPhone 6S moved on to a new home because it simply wasn't keeping up with me anymore. (And again, I was using an iPhone 6S in 2023. If I say a phone is too slow, it's too slow.) I had plenty of criteria for the replacement: a smallish screen not overboard on resolution, ideally a physical media control button and/or vibration toggle, repairability, a FUCKING AUX JACK... Something like the Sony Xperia 10, whose only real issue is marketing so trash you've only just now learned Sony never stopped making phones.

And yet...

This fancy wallpapers-sporting foldable is a Motorola RAZR 5G, a phone whose too-big screen already broke (though at the edge due to adhesive issues) and those who dared try warn repairing it will be as hard as phone repairs get. Why the fuck did I buy this? Well, because it has something more important than the aux jack, proper sizing, and good cameras: it made me go “That’s so cool!”, and when’s the last time a phone made you say that? It's the cusp of a new technology, and whether it becomes the future of phones, a future of phones, or just a weird footnote, it is an island of interesting in a sea of boring. And sadly, even this island is rapidly sinking. The drive for new form factors has already boiled down to the same two phones and their evolution is sinking into the usual millimetric proportion tweaking, camera rearranging, touchscreen expanding, case material switching, fingerprint sensor moving, and spec improvements not even manufacturers can come up with use cases for. I mean, seriously, how does the iPhone 15 differ from a software-updated iPhone X (which is apparently not pronounced "x", so I guess the iPhone Twitter)? Nothing is new. Nothing is tackled differently. The user experience does not differ. And why should it, when iPhone users will get a new one out of habit anyway and many are so tech illiterate moving a button could hospitalize them? Five generation newer and 150% faster are numbers you basically have to trust, because they don't make a difference that matters.

But in cars? 150% faster will matter alright. Even just looking at it. Cars are a visceral experience to even witness, let alone ride in or drive, and the frantic engineering pursuits for performance and overall capability actually have impactful real world implications beyond "some pockets will bulge 1mm less". And their engineering involves so many fields that there’s always a breakthrough going on somewhere - which leads to another reason their engineering is so interesting: there’s simply so much of it that anyone interested in engineering will find something for them, no matter their level or sector of expertise! Interested in mechanics? Well, obviously you’ll have a field day! Aerodynamics? Don't even get me started! Electronics? You're getting more goods by the year! It spread from engine management to safety assists to infotainment to ergonomic adjustments to even suspension and aerodynamics! Sound design? Even just working on the way engines sound is a profession of its own, let alone making these barrels of metal and glass propelling themselves at triple digit speeds through hundreds of explosions a second things you can comfortably have a conversation in - and that's not even mentioning horns and chimes! Hi-Fi? We’ve spent most of a century trying to get concert hall sound from a tiny tin can where everyone sits off-center and everything bumps and shakes around and you have maybe room for two components* a third the normal size and speakers can only be in a handful of places you wouldn’t want them which may well be the next room over**!

And this is just engineering.

*Like everything in the car world, there are exceptions to that

**For those unfamiliar, subwoofers, the speakers dedicated to, indeed, sub-bass, due to their frequent humongousness are often installed in the trunk.

#stay tuned for part 2! #sony phones *are* great btw #they are sold in actual colors and they're full of cool features #their aux jack can double as a stereo input!!!

[bluewonderer]

Hi! For those of you who don't know, I'm Becca. The same one mentioned above. ⬆️

I know I normally only reblog on here, but I'm hoping you'll hear me out. Hasi (@hussyknee), my sweet friend, my fandom wife, my comfort and my cheerleader, needs some urgent care. Please help me help her.

If you'll please take a moment to read through the link (text also copied and pasted below) and consider donating, I would really appreciate it. If you cannot donate, please consider reblogging to help spread the word.

Thank you so much ❤️

. . .

Hasi, my beloved friend, needs a lifeline.

For a little over two years, I’ve only been able to watch from half a world away as my friend is crushed without reprieve. I’ve watched her living situation become hostile as her mental and physical health deteriorated. I’ve watched her withdraw for weeks at a time as she tried to put every last scrap of her energy toward basic survival.

I’m watching her now as she’s giving up hope. As she’s deciding that the only solution to her struggle is a permanent one. I’m watching her make preparations for it.

And now I’m asking for help, because I don’t want to lose my friend.

Hasini (35) lives in Sri Lanka. She has struggled with mental illness for 15 years, and with chronic physical illness for 10 years. Even though she’s been passionate about learning from a young age and is a talented writer and debator, she fell ill during her second year of her dream program in anthropology and was forced to drop out. She later became beridden with ulcerative colitis immediately after her marriage, and was diagnosed only 7 years later (at age 31). Because of the lack of adequate care, treatment resources, and family support, she was only able to get diagnoses for Complex PTSD and bipolar at age 29 and ADHD at 32.

Her dogs had been her comfort during her years of isolation and illness, but when her marriage disintegrated in 2020, she had to leave them behing and return to her surviving parent and intellectually disabled brother. Her mother is now a pensioner, and won’t be able to support them much longer.

I cannot emphasize enough how toxic this situation is for her. She has developed arthritis and worsening colitis flares due to the stress of her divorce and the retraumatizing environment of her family. This was made exponentially worse when the 2022 Sri Lankan Economic Crisis plunged her country into chaos. With the cost of living skyrocketing, the prices of her medications have more than doubled. She has had to stop therapy and choose which of her doctors to visit. Government hospitals are free, but her mobility has been further restricted by a back injury and transport costs are prohibitive. Most of her friends don’t live in the same country.

Although she has experienced suicidality before, she has found lifelines in rescuing animals, learning and blogging about social justice, and cultivating friends across different continents. Before the pandemic, she’d been well enough to take on a part time job for the first time. She also began to pursue a community college degree that she’s again had to put on hold.

All Hasi wants is to be well enough to work. With work, she would have the means to live away from her family, continue her studies, and help rescue animals however she can.

Her panic attacks and PTSD episodes have been escalating by the day, and it’s imperative that she’s admitted to a hospital for psychiatric care. Her doctor arranged for her to be admitted to a free government hospital, but due to the Sri Lankan national crisis-spawned overcrowding and poor conditions, she became more profoundly stressed.

We hope to raise enough money to admit her to a private hospital. We also want to get her consistent access to therapy, so that her emergency treatment could lead to more long-term, life-affirming solutions.

Her initial emergency care and immediate treatment may come to approx USD 300. We also want to raise enough money for her medication (USD 300), therapy (USD 100), and doctor’s fees (USD 200) for the next five months, as well as money for medical investigation for her back injury (USD 100).

She doesn’t want to lose her dreams, and I don’t want to lose her. We met six years ago and I would be a different person without her. Less confident, less loving, and less curious.

Without her, the world would be a bleaker place.

Please help her.

Thank you for reading and for donating.

#hussyknee #hasi #helphasi #tw suicidality

[spnexploration]

Pack chapter 12

Pairing: Alpha!Dean Winchester x Omega!Reader, Alpha!Sam Winchester x Omega!Madison

Series summary: Omega!Reader is thrown into a world she's not expecting when her mate turns out to be a hunter, and she's not used to Alpha & Omega Pack dynamics.

Chapter summary: Dean remains in the local hospital clinic

Chapter warnings: none

Word count: 1.6k

Series Masterlist | Supernatural writing masterlist

Part 11 <- -> Part 13

I awoke feeling something moving beneath me. I whined slightly. “Sorry, Omega, I need to pee,” Sam chuckled. 

I opened my eyes and realised that I had Sam's entire arm trapped, with my face on his bicep and my arms wrapped around it. He was gently trying to pull it out of my clutches. I released it quickly, mortified. 

I couldn't stop the loud whine that left my mouth when I stopped touching him. The pain increased when he was gone.  

Madison rubbed her hand up my arm. “We’ll go see Dean when they open up visiting hours. How about some breakfast?” 

I shrugged and let her pull me out of the bed. She led me to the kitchen and sat me in a chair while she made me some toast. I rubbed my sternum, where the pain was worst. 

Sam came in, fully dressed, while I was sitting at the table, staring into the distance. I’d eaten a tiny nibble of my toast, which sat like a dead thing my mouth. I hadn't felt like any more, after that. 

“Oh, Omega,” he said, looking at me sadly. “Still in pain?” I nodded my head slightly. “Ok, I think visiting hours start at 9. Do you want a shower?” I shook my head. “Alright. Mads, can you help Y/N get dressed?”  

Madison guided me back to my room and gently but firmly got me dressed, including one of Dean's flannels.  

Sam called out from the hallway, “Mads?”  

“Come in,” she replied. 

I heard him walk in but didn't look up from where I sat, slumped on the bed. My whole chest ached. Sam crossed to me and rubbed his wrist on my neck, gently scent marking me. I leaned into his touch, it hurt a little less as he did it. He stopped touching me and I whined. “Does touching me make it feel better?” he asked gently. I nodded. 

“Ok,” he said, sitting next to me and wrapping his long arm around my shoulders. I leant into his embrace, turning my head into the crook of his neck. He didn't smell exactly like what I wanted, but being close to his scent was calming. I started to move my body to get even closer to him, turning my chest to face his. I whined again, trying to get closer. I raised my arm on to his other shoulder and was about to climb on to his lap when he stopped me with his hands on my waist. “Let's go get in the car, you can cling to me there. Mads, it's your lucky day, you get to drive.” 

“Yes!” 

“Please don't kill us all,” he joked. He stood up and brought me with him, wrapping his arm around my waist. He led us to the car and sat in the back with me, letting me climb all over him and change positions a million times, trying to find a way to make it stop hurting. 

---  

Sam's arms were around me, leading me into the clinic. I found it hard to walk, hard to do anything myself. He was half-carrying me by this point. I felt disconnected from reality, still in pain but it was so much worse any time Sam wasn't touching me. 

“Come on, almost there,” he murmured reassuringly. 

The lady at the desk wouldn’t let us in, “Visiting hours don’t start until 9am, it’s 8:45. Take a seat and wait.” She reminded me of Roz from Monsters Inc. 

Sam led me to the plastic seats. He seemed about to direct me to sit down when he looked at my face more closely and instead pulled me on to his lap. He gently guided me to lean against his chest.  

Madison went over to the desk. “It’s only 15 minutes, can’t we go in now?” 

“Rules are there to be followed, kid,” the woman said dismissively. 

“Can’t you see how sick being separated is making his Omega?” Madi was starting to get worked up. 

“Visiting hours are from 9am.” 

“That’s bullshit!” Madi yelled, slamming her hand down on the bench. 

“Omega!” Sam exclaimed, partially moving me off his lap as if he was preparing to go grab her. “Come and sit down, now.” 

Madi glared once more at the desk lady before sauntering over to where Sam and I were sitting. She slumped herself into the chair next to him, looking for all the world like a sullen teenager.  

“Pissing off the staff is not going to get you what you want, Mads,” Sam admonished quietly.  

Finally, they let us through. I clutched Sam as he led me down the corridors to Dean’s room, and waited, held up by Sam, as Madison opened the door. 

“Hey-” Dean started and then cut himself off. “What happened?!” he demanded as Sam and I entered the room. He was sitting up in his bed with a drip in his bad arm, looking much better. 

“Pining Sickness, I think,” Sam replied. He stopped and picked me up bridal style, carrying me to Dean's bed and depositing me next to him on his good side. “Here you go, Omega,” he murmured to me. 

I snuggled into Dean, breathing in his scent. He smelt better than he had the day before, but still a bit sick and unnatural with the drugs they were giving him. I shuffled around, trying to get closer to him to make it hurt less without hurting him. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” Dean murmured. He stroked my head gently and I practically purred. He chuckled. “Seems like you really were worse than me, this time.” 

After a couple of minutes of breathing in Dean’s scent, the pain in my chest had eased. It was still there, but much, much better. My brain was starting to catch up, too. 

I suddenly sat up. “Did you reject me?!” I cried to Dean, starting to push away from him but hindered by the bed rail behind me.  

“What? Of course not!” Dean answered, looking at me and then at the others, confused.  

I turned to Sam, who was behind me on the chair with Madison on his lap. “You said it was Pining Sickness! How could I have Pining if I wasn’t rejected?!” 

“I probably should’ve said ‘something like Pining Sickness’, sorry. You know what I was saying last night about your hormones after you went into shock and the threat it perceived to the bond with your mate.” 

“Oh.”  

Dean rubbed his hand up my arm, “It’s ok, sweetheart. How about you come here with me again?” I slowly lay back down against him.  

A while later, my tummy started rumbling. “You feeling better now, Y/N?” Sam asked me. “The pain better?” I nodded. “How about you and Madi go see if there's a cafeteria or a vending machine so you can pick something for breakfast? You didn’t eat anything at home.” 

I looked at Dean and he nodded. Sam helped me down from the bed then gave Madi some cash. “Don't leave the building,” he warned us both. I followed Madi out of the room.  

“So, what do you think they want to talk about about us?” Madi asked me with a grin when we were down the corridor.  

“Wait, what?” 

“Why do you think they just let us both go without an Alpha? They want to talk about us!” 

I gaped at her. She laughed. I couldn’t tell if she was messing with me or not. 

---  

Dean tried to argue that he should be allowed home or I should be allowed to stay, but to no avail. At the end of visiting hours I cuddled into him on his bed and he kissed my forehead. “You'll be ok,” he murmured. “Just let Sam and Madi look after you, ok?”  

I nodded, blinking back tears. “Get better, Alpha.” 

“Always, sweetheart. Don't worry about me at all, I'll be fine.” He squeezed my arm and then looked over to Sam. Sam came and gently eased me out of Dean's bed, replacing the bed rail behind me, then put his arm around me and led me out. It didn't hurt as much as it had overnight. 

---  

We picked up take away for dinner. Madi and Sam were clearly trying to keep my mind off things, encouraging me to watch TV with them, having unrelated conversations around me that they tried to involve me in, and generally being upbeat. I stayed mostly glued to Sam's side as I still felt better with him, but I was more able to move away than I had been before seeing Dean again. 

When I started yawning, Sam turned the TV off and said to me gently, “Go get dressed for bed. You're sleeping in our room, no arguments.” 

I nodded and did what he said. I had no desire to put myself through the pain of last night again. 

I still felt awkward crawling into their bed in-between them.  

“What,” Madi joked, “are you worried I’m going to go all John Wayne on you? ‘This bed ain’t big enough for the both of us!’” She laughed. “Just get in, Omega.” 

---  

Dean was sitting up in bed, bed rails down, when we came in the next day.  I ran over to him and hugged him. He looked and smelled better, although there was still the underlying strangeness from the medication he was being pumped full of through his drip.  

“Doctor came around just before, they reckon I can go home today and just take oral antibiotics for the infection.” 

I kissed his cheek, excited that he would be coming home. 

.

.

.

Taglist:

@mrsjenniferwinchester

@lyarr24

@waynes-multiverse

@leigh70

@malindacath

@ellie-andthemachine

@iprobablyshipit91

@123passwort

@muhahaha303

@globetrotter28

@deans-spinster-witch

@kazsrm67

@foxyjwls007

#alpha!dean winchester #alpha!dean winchester x omega!reader #dean winchester x reader #a/b/o #protective!dean winchester #protective!sam winchester #alpha!sam winchester #supernatural fanfiction #spn fanfic #dean winchester x you #supernatural x reader #supernatural reader insert #spn a/b/o #dean winchester hurt/comfort #sam winchester hurt/comfort

[waksworldrebooted]

Qui Suis-Je, Minerva? A Transformers AU One-Shot

A TRANSFORMERS: RIVALRY STORY

Entry 1:  April 26, 2054

Trying to start something brand new for myself and for me to understand my inner thoughts and fears better. If anyone from my family is reading this, I love you. I know I’m far from home but I’m doing well. 

Oh yeah, where was I…

My name is Minerva Dubois Hinomiya. Graduate of Robotics in Engineering at Daedo, Korea overseas and part-time crime detective in my home city of Paris, France. I enjoy building and solving different things when I have the time. The thrill of what comes next excites me. The idea of tomorrow and what it could bring to a humble woman like me. Coming from a loving family of a french mother and a japanese father, they have raised me well for me to get where I am now.

Anywho, I recently got a job at KSI Industries after my Robotics Teacher suggested it to me, given the corporation was funding him for his personal engineering project, which he refuses to elaborate on but I don’t mind. He’s a great man and I hope he brings luck to his future endeavors.

Can’t wait for my first day tomorrow!

Entry 2: May 3, 2054

It’s been a couple of days since my last entry, and I've been very busy.

Currently in the R & D division at KSI. The workforce are pretty inviting and kind. Boss was kind enough to tell me what their current project is. They’re currently mining unknown debris from the moon that has shape-shifting capabilities. We don’t have a scientific name for it yet, but we call it Transformium for now. They’re building a mech named Scourge Convoy. An autonomous robot that can assume the form of a humanoid and a truck at the same time.

Our leading theory is that there is a mechanical lifeforce out there that can transform at will. My team even managed to reverse-engineer and power up one of the inactive power cells belonging to these titans.

Excited to handle these things as they’re giving me the keys to the lab tomorrow for me to take notes on it.

Entry 3: May 5, 2054

Something terrible just happened, and it was all my fault.

I just was taking notes down on this energy thing my team was working on, but then I started to get a bit hasty. I noticed a wave of frequency surrounding the ball of energy in the container. It looked so pretty….

Well I was stupid, impulses got to me and I decided to touch it.

And then there were the shocks…

I almost died that day, feeling the pluses of pure light and energy seep into myself. I couldn't take it.

My body was found comatose the next morning, and they sent me to the hospital. I should be leaving it later today and I feel alright but not great. Boss suggested I should stay at home with medications to make sure I am alright.

I hope I get better soon.

Entry 4: May 10, 2054

Something is clearly wrong with me in the past few days. I don’t feel the same as I was before.

So it started when I was laying in bed the night after I returned from the hospital, resting on my arms as usual. When I then noticed my arm was…

Cold…

Cold to the touch, so much it felt like steel.

Was I dreaming? I didn’t know then.

I ignored it but then when I was taking a shower, I noticed my skin was shinier than usual. How was that possible I swear?

I might investigate in the next few days if this persists

Entry 5:  May 15, 2054

I think I’ve become a robot.

I was showering again on the 6th, that when I undressed in the mirror, I saw a gruesome sight:

My chest started to become more rigid and metallic. It didn’t look anything like a woman’s upper torso. It was slightly bulky and made of yellow steel. I panicked, but then I would become an experiment of some kind. I didn’t want that then, but then it kept on going.

My vision started to blur more often, sometimes “glitching” into that of a camera! More of my body started to become metal, in shades of blue, yellow, grey, and orange. I couldn’t even eat or use the loo, or literally any human thing in the past few days!

I can’t take it. I called up the KSI company to check on me, regardless if I become an experiment or not.

I’m simply not Minerva anymore, I don’t know if I can live my life the same from the various events that transpired….

Entry 6: March 6, 2055

It’s been a long time since my last report, and a lot has went down since!

For months I was in captivity, being a guinea pig for my former Boss to mess around with in the name of research. I kept getting shocked by their tasers to force me back into a human and reverse, which did work, but it became exhausting fast.

Somehow, a team of those giant mechanical beings we were researching on came onto the scene and attacked another project we were working on, that Scourge thing I mentioned. Turned rouge and I was rescued by that rebel team.

They call themselves the Autobots, and they’ve been a better company to me than the scientists at KSI ever could manage. 

They took me in, and gave me a small home, gave me my old detective job back to use my skills in tracking down their enemies for them. They even built me my own suit of armor out of my old car! 

Most importantly of all, they’re able to modify my hardware to change between human and machine at will without forced shocks. How cool is that!

Even with my human form returning, I think the mechanical form is my new true form. I’ve grown into it. Hell, I don’t think Minerva is the right name for me anymore…

It’s about time everyone started calling me,

Nightbeat.

#transformers #transformers au #minerva transformers #nightbeat #mtmte #tf mtmte #macaddam #maccaddam #maccadam #maccadams #transformers fanart #waksworldrebooted #waksworldart #artists on tumblr

[formulatrash]

Hi, whats your opinion on Susie Wolffs new position with the F1 Academy? I scrolled too far down the comments on the announcement post and am effing angry now, because i think there could not be a better person for that role, but at he same time i can understand that working on opposite sides in the same organisation as your husband can be perceived wrong. I don't really see the problem though, as a managing director of a different race series she won't have much contact with the official side of f1, won't she?

Sorry if this is unclear, not my first language ✌️

hello - thank you for the question, your english is perfect. (mine probably less so haha)

Susie is 100% the right person to lead F1 Academy; I'm only surprised they managed to convince her to take the role. that says a lot about some credible stuff behind the scenes that I haven't always credited F1 Academy with, so far.

as with Venturi, Susie doesn't do projects if she doesn't think they're right. she doesn't need to, she only puts her name to things where she believes she is the right person to do them and that there is something worth doing.

so to have her coming onboard for F1 Academy is a huge sign for the series. I don't need to tell you Susie is absurdly driven and extremely well connected, she can represent and help the girls - many of whom should be teenagers, it's an F4 series so they only need to be 15 and I don't, unfortunately, need to tell you how much the press will fucking suck about that - navigate a world that's inherently hostile to and doubtful of them.

This is from an interview I did with Susie in 2021, about how to get more women into motorsport (which she did very successfully, with Venturi, by the simple act of hiring them)

"I didn't think at all about the fact that I was a woman doing it until we had our first media call," Wolff said (with a UK newspaper, if you were wondering). "And I remember it so clearly because [when] we had the call, I remember exactly where I sitting. The first question was: 'Did your husband get you the job?' The second question was: 'What qualifies you at all?' And the third question was: 'How do you manage being a mother and a team principal?'" 

She flagged a stark comparison to the interviews done with another former driver who stepped up to a team principal role at the same time as she did. "These are the first questions I get, in my first interview as a team principal. And I know they're not saying this to Allan McNish; he's got two kids, he's an ex-racing driver. What gives you the right to think that my husband got me the job?"

It's hard to put into words how important it's gonna be to have someone who gets that putting herself in the line of fire for up-and-coming young women. their records are going to be scrutinised, their lap times will be exaggeratedly plumbed into - christ, look how shit the Formula E Gen3 is with Hankook tyres. it's literally slower than the Gen2 even though it's 100kg lighter and has 100kW more horsepower and you had the brain geniuses of Twitter explaining that actually, W Series setting different times on Hankooks to Formula Regional on Michelins just meant that girls suck.

for the record, I don't think it matters at all that her husband is the head of a team in a different series. F1 Academy is not feeding directly to F1, it's an F4 series and if, say, Merc junior Luna Fluxa wanted to get in then she'd need to find the backing same as the rest of the field. (she's currently too young)

there's only one race where F1 Academy will be on the same circuit as F1 (COTA) and the majority of the championship will be done by then. so they won't even be in the same geographical place - and if Susie pops into the Merc hospitality to use the coffee machine when they are then I don't think even the amateur cops of F1 twitter can manufacture a scandal.

also I think people need to remember Susie came up karting against Lewis and they are friends. different parts of a diversity discussion but ones that come from literally the same karting tracks.

#motorsport asks

[zoeykallus]

Fives – Soldier Boy 20 – A Stranger In My Skin

Angst/ A Bit Of Fluff / Tension

____________________

What Happened Before

Soldier Boy

Part 2 - Caught In The Act

Part 3 - Tender Affection

Part 4 - Worries And Secrets

Part 5 - Welcome Back, Soldier Boy

Part 6 - I Should Have Known

Part 7 - Doing Something Stupid

Part 8 - Hot Tub

Part 9 - Seize The Night

Part 10 - We Need A Medic

Part 11 - Live To Fight Another Day

Part 12 - What Lies Ahead

Part 13 - An Unexpected Friend

Part 14 - Important News

Part 15 - The Beginning Of An Empire

Part 16 - Yoda

Part 17 - Unforgiven

Part 18 - The Depth Of Fear

Part 19 - Hope, Sorrow And Anger

A Stranger In My Skin

Weeks had passed and finally Fives' condition had stabilized. You were alone with him in a hospital room, where he should wake up any moment. Your eyes wandered over his body. He had lost weight and lost energy during the time he had been in the baccta-tank. You were restless, waiting for him to finally wake up, which could happen any moment according to the medical staff. You jumped up from your chair next to his bed as Fives began to move. You're bent over him as he slowly opens his eyes, with a low moan. He looked at you, blinked, and smiled. "Good morning, Soldier Boy." His mouth opened, and he wanted to say something, but his voice didn't obey him right away. Fives cleared his throat and finally said softly in a hoarse tone, "Hey Scardy Cat. What a wonderful sight. How long was I unconscious?" You took a deep breath, thinking of the best way and words to explain the whole situation to him. "How much do you remember about what happened?" you asked. Fives thought for a moment, shook his head weakly and finally said, "Not much, we were caught off guard, an ambush, I took a hit, and it's all gone after that." Again, you took a deep breath. You felt relief that he had regained consciousness, that you could talk to him again, but you were also flooded with emotions. Your hands were shaking, and you felt tears burning in your eyes. Fives frowned and reached heavily for one of your trembling hands. He blinked in surprise at how difficult the movement was for him. "What's the matter, sweetheart? You look like you're going to start crying at any moment." "Fives, you almost died. You were in that baccta-tank for a whole three months." He looked at you uncomprehendingly. "Three months?" he asked in a croaky voice. He tried to sit up, but barely had the strength. He slumped back again and said with a sigh, "That would explain why I'm so weak." "Do you want me to help you?" you asked gently. He hesitated, actually he wanted to do it alone, he didn't want to look weak in front of you, but he knew he couldn't do it alone, at least not yet. He would rather let you help him than a stranger. So he nodded and let you help him into a sitting position, and you adjusted the bed for him so that he could lean back while sitting.

This small movement alone was so incredibly exhausting for him that he felt dizzy and Fives had to collect himself for a moment. He looked down at his own body, which was mostly covered by a blanket. "How bad is it, any permanent damage?" he wanted to know. "No. But it was a damn close call. Rex quick action saved your life," you said seriously. "Rex is okay?" You nodded and explained, "He and Ahsoka are on the trail of a possible mole, someone who betrayed you, which is how this situation came about. Since you arrived here badly injured, they keep finding leads that seem to dissolve into nothing. Whoever the traitor is in our midst, he or she is damn good" "A traitor," echoed Fives thoughtfully. He squeezed your hand very gently and looked at you. He didn't seem like himself at all, he looked so different, almost alien. Fives would need some time to regain his strength and be himself. "I can see the worry in your eyes. Don't fret so much, I'll be back on my feet sooner than you think, and we'll find this traitor before any more misfortunes happen." You ground your jaws, thinking for a moment before answering, not knowing if this was the right time. But maybe the timing was just right. "As soon as you're back on your feet, I think we should pull out of this". Fives frowned uncomprehendingly. "What do you mean?" You felt the burn of tears again and said strained, "I didn't know if you'd survive, or die, or maybe just never wake up. Waiting for you to come back from missions is torture, and now that this has happened, it will be even more so. I can't do this anymore, Fives." He looked at you, completely perplexed, surprised. "Darling" he said softly, "I'm a soldier, always have been, it's what I was born to do". Again you grind your jaws, this time frustration was involved. "You were programmed and raised to be one, Fives. Maybe it's time you found your own way." His look turned serious. "I like being a soldier, still, with or without a chip, Republic or not. I want to fight with my brothers. Don't ask me to give that up."

After another deep breath, you said somberly, "Don't ask me to watch you die." At first, Fives didn't know what to say. As you stood up, he asked, almost panicked, "Where are you going? Don't go away! Wait, darling, we need to discuss this calmly, preferably when I'm a bit better and..." "I'll get the medical staff and make sure you get food and water," you interrupted him in a low voice. As you pulled the door of the hospital room closed behind you, the first tears began to flow, your heart hammering in your chest. You heard him call your name a few times behind the closed door, then curse. You were annoyed with yourself, it hadn't been the right moment, he was still so weak, and you didn't want to argue. It was probably better to retire for a few hours before you entered the room again. However, you hated to leave him alone, especially now. You felt like a hypocrite, all this time you had been watching over him every day, day and night, and now that he was awake, you withdrew. You knew he needed you now, but you wouldn't leave him alone for long, just an hour or two to take a breath and collect yourself. Maybe even shorter. You just wanted to get this over with, the thought of him going out there again, to fight and get in danger like this, was unbearable.

Rex approached you when you had spoken to a nurse, who promised you that she would check on Fives with a doctor, and he would get everything he needed. "You're not with him?" was the first puzzled question Rex asked. "He's awake, he's more or less fine. We had a little disagreement. My fault, I should have waited to do that, he doesn't have the strength to deal with it yet. I don't want to argue with him, so I backed off for now." Rex frowned. "He just woke up and you guys were already fighting?" You sighed. "No, not fighting exactly.... it's complicated, and I don't want to discuss it with you right now" Rex suppressed an eye roll, but then nodded and said, "If you change your mind, I'm a good listener" "Thanks," you said quietly and watched him leave towards Fives room.

When Rex entered the room, Fives almost fell out of bed with excitement, but he almost looked a little disappointed. "Where is she?" was his first question. Rex smirked, "I'm glad to see you too." Fives sighed, "Sorry, we just had such a weird situation and.... somehow I'm afraid she won't come back" Rex raised his eyebrows. "She's out in the hallway, she just needs some time to herself". Fives sighed and slumped back down. "She wants me to give up the rebellion, to stop being a soldier. Can you imagine?" he said with a tired smile. Rex sat down on the chair next to the bed, folded his hands in his lap and said, "She has watched over you day and night, not only here at your bedside, but also when you were in the baccta-tank. She saw you in a very bad condition, she saw you almost die. Then she found out about the mole and insisted that you be protected day and night. Fives, she has been through a lot in the last three months, give her some time to collect herself. Try to imagine the situation the other way around. Fives' expression fell. He ran both hands over his face and finally said, "Impossible, I can't and won't imagine that, seeing her in that state would kill me." Rex nodded meaningfully. "Now we're getting closer. Listen, you're a good soldier, but you don't have to stay. I don't want you to feel obligated because of me or any of the others. You have a real life, someone who loves you, if you want to savor that, then do it, you've already done more than enough as a soldier." Fives sighed wistfully.

"I have to think about that. I love her more than anything, but I can't deny who I am. However, I am so weak right now that I feel like a stranger in my own skin. This doesn't feel like my body right now". Rex said quietly, "Get better first, then you can still think about it. Take your time, don't rush it."

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

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#fives #fives angst #angst #tcw fives #arc trooper fives #clone trooper fives #fives x reader #fives x you #fives x fem!reader #star wars fives #arc 5555 fives #arc 5555 #arc 5555 x reader #star wars #after order 66 #order 66 aftermath #clonelove #fives alive #for now #rex #captain rex #angst and feels

[anitmb]

@gruesim was lovely enough to give me the caw files for Rockwood. I tried first doing the trick to edit existing worlds but since reinstalling the game without 2 ep's I've not been able to do that trick any more (the reason could be something completely different but the missing ep's are my guess).

Basically what I wanted was an empty version and a few tiny lot modifications.

First I fenced off the extension, so my sims don't fall to their deaths. There should be actually a barrier here (I've seen it in a few pics), but it never showed up for me. The lot changes that I did to this part was making the two lots a bit smaller and adding a long lot at the edge of the extension to have a boardwalk.

Built city hall.

I know it's a bit bare and dull from the outside but I'm building this world from the tax sims pay so things progress slowly. This lot will at some point also feature the church and a police station.

Build my people a factory so they have somewhere to work in. The front door the is the RH door to the criminal hideout. A side door does lead inside the factory because below it is all the RH rugs I need to run this hood.

I was originally planning that the church would be in this lot and the factory would have been in the extension. The lot where city hall is now was suppose to be a combo lot with city hall / police station / hospital. But I want the city hall lot to be a library and adding a RH in there would have changed the lot type. With Ultimate career, it doesn't really matter where the "actual" lot is, but I didn't also want it to look as if my sims gave birth in the factory when they were due. So I'm going to build the hospital on the factory lot, and this will no longer be an issue.

The building next to the factory is called the block. It's a low income housing that will eventually be owned by Robert Grim. For now it's just a shell until he can "buy" it and start renovating it ready for tenants. Because generation 2 is still only kids, this is not a happening any time soon.

The big lot in front of the block of housing was split into two. One lot will turn into the pub and the other will be a combo lot with public school + uni.

The only RH that is not under the factory is the school RH that I added at the end of the pier so it would look like my kids take the ferry to the main land to go to school. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be working and kids are roaming my streets all day long. I'll have to see what's the problem here when I play a house with some kids.

I guess the biggest lot changes happened to the residential area where I did some lot rearranging. Thandiwe's lot is long because she's going to be building two more identical row house units on this lot and then be the land lady for them. It's her retirement plan.

The tiny houses are 15 x 10. I always felt like 10 x 10 is too small to live comfortably. 20 x 20 is too much space while 10 x 15 is good enough. 15 x 15 would have been ideal lot size but I couldn't fit them in this space.

All of my sims did end up loosing their houses because their Rockwood lots were smaller than where they lived before. But, I did let them keep their furniture so refurnishing their houses is not a huge task.

So far I've really enjoyed playing and rearranging this world. I've always had a soft spot for Hylewood and I really like what gruesim has done to the world.

[camprell-art]

Redrew some old Ocs!

They're from a story that I started to write when I was 14. :)

(Which is actually 2 stories that I made into only one, the first being "Edgar Mouret (2014-15)" the life of a 27 year old schizophrenic gravedigger and "Flowers of a Blood Garden (2016-17)", a story told by a serial killer who thinks that he should kill everyone he loves).

It got a lot of changes as the years passed, creating "The Gentleman of the East End", which kept the whole serial killer thing, but instead of his loved ones now he kills prostitutes to write their stories as crime novels + Edgar's story that would show the sadness of living with a mental illness so painful as schizophrenia in a time that didn't have all the advancements needed to fully treat it.

And as I never really did a lot with it I was thinking about changing the plot again.

Now it's technically a Victorian Era sitcom (and I won't actually make it accurate, me and my sister were joking about Violetta liking Britney Spears skjadh)

Here's a brief summary of the "start" of the story:

"Vinicio and Violetta are twins and they're from a wealthy family, the Bianchi, their father has a textile factory and wants Vinicio to be the heir to it, but wanting to become a writer he decides to run away and start living in a very poor part of London, where no one would find him.

One day he meets Emily and Oliver, who are orphans, the two found his house when running through the alleys near the docks, and after thinking it was abandoned, they decided to try and make that their new home. Vinicio finds them in the piano room, the children were already terrified by the thought of him kicking them out, but to their surprise, he just stares and declares that there's nothing there for them to steal, Oliver not wanting to be associated to a burglar is infuriated, but Emily, noticing that Vinicio means no harm, tries to explain why they entered his house uninvited.

After hearing their story and noticing how fragile they seemed, he leads the children to the kitchen, where he prepares a simple soup for them. Emily and Oliver do notice that his plates and silverware are really pretty and expensive looking, and both of them start speculating that he's a rich man in disguise, keeping this thought to themselves they just ask for his name.

"Leonard", he says, and nothing more. The girl could tell he was a very cold man, but more than anything, a little shy.

After finishing their lunch, they're ready to leave the house, Emily's last wish, however, is to hear the man playing the piano, Vinicio asks her what song she wanted to hear, she is reminded of when her mother used to sing for them to sleep, not knowing the name of the song, she decides to sing for the man.

As she sings the first notes, his eyes close, and sooner than expected he calls the children to the room they once were. Vinicio sits on the stool and prepares himself, playing Chopin's Nocturne opus 9, number 2. He plays with emotion, which makes the children wonder what was in his mind, this is intensified by his silence when finishing the song.

Emily thanks him, saying that if their mother was there she would have loved listening to it, and then the children decide to leave. Vinicio stops them, telling the name of the song, so that they can ask for it when they return. Both of them are surprised by what they hear, asking happily "We can return"?!, to which Vinicio confirms that yes, they can return to his house, but they need to knock before entering and don't abuse of his hospitality, he would feed them and let them sleep there, but mostly important, he would try to find a family for them, as children should not live by themselves in the streets like stray dogs. He also gives them some money, so they can go out and buy some fruits and maybe candy. They give him a big hug for his generosity, Vinicio doesn't really know how to react to this, receiving their affection with a somewhat tense body, but gives them a pat to the head, after that Emily and Oliver leave his house.

Now alone with his thoughts, the man sits in an armchair and a tad nervous, thinks about his decision, now he had some serious responsibilities, despite that, it was the right thing to do, after all, that's what Violetta would do if she was in his place".

#my art #oc #ocs #original characters #original story #the gentleman of the east end #edgar martin avilov #madeline aubinet avilov #vinicio leonard #violetta rosemary #the bianchi twins #evelyn klein #emily #oliver #long post

[oodlyenough]

last of us 1x09

wanted to sit on this one for a couple days and use it to sort of summarize the season overall. so this will probably be long af lol

I feel like I actually don't have all that much to say about the final episode itself. It was quite faithful to the game, and hit any note I would've wanted it to hit, I think. Minor adjustments in dialogue or character beat felt quite minor.

However, the finale felt a bit underwhelming to me. I'm not sure why. I don't know if it's just because I knew every story beat ahead of time so none of the shock was there, or if I needed another 15 minutes of runtime to really let some scenes marinate, or whether it was just actually so close to the game that I couldn't fully lose myself in it, or that passively watching Joel shoot people is different to doing it yourself, or what it was. But I ended up not being as impacted by this ep as I am whenever I've played the end of the game. I hope it hit harder for show viewers. It seems like it did.

The biggest change is seeing Anna and Ellie's birth. (Lmao @ baby Ellie just plopping out mid fight. Uh... sure.) I think, as far as immunity explanations go, this worked pretty well - I know fans had speculated as much for a while. It was great to see (and hear) Ashley Johnson -- those first grunts running through the woods were so surreal lol that's Ellie! I know those grunts! "You fuckin' tell them Ellie", from Ellie... wahh.

I think I was expecting more on Marlene and Anna. I feel like... the show attempted to substitute the Marlene gameplay segments at the start with this little bit of backstory and the brief Ellie-Marlene scenes in ep 1. But I think there's something lost in not giving them more bonding time, or making it clearer that Marlene has been aware of/keeping tabs on Ellie for all of Ellie's life. I think Marlene being not-exactly a mother figure but still someone important to Ellie, and someone who loves Ellie herself, makes Marlene's death more meaningful, and a bit of that was lost here. I love that Ellie specifically asks about Marlene in the car, for eg, but I'm not sure it felt as earned.

We substituted the Sarah picture with the Joel suicide attempt backstory, which worked -- lol and I honestly had spent no time wondering at all about Joel's scar, so it was a nice and unexpected callback for me and my gamer hubris.

I think the way they did Joel trying to reach out to Ellie using callbacks from the season worked well, even if it was kind of skincrawling to watch, like, in a secondhand embarrassment sort of way, watching him faceplant over and over with it. Spring Ellie is so rough, somehow every time I play I forget about that change and it's a slap in the face when it comes.

I knew there was no way they'd skip the giraffe but I did not expect them to have a real giraffe ?!?!?! Amazing lmao.

The Controversial Hospital Scene... I had some fears leading up to this ep, where like, if they pitched it wrong it could've ruined the whole thing for me, so I was glad we avoided that. Joel's choice is both horrific and understandable. I have complained at various parts of the series that I think the tv show softened Joel too much by leaving his violence off screen, but I do get the impression now they set it up to "tell" us for 8 episodes about what Joel is capable of and then only, finally, in episode 9 do they really show us. I'm a bit on the fence about this and whether it worked or makes it feel like he suddenly transforms into a superhero(/villain) out of nowhere... but I can see what they were going for, at least. And the slow version of the theme song was well placed.

Can't BELIEVE we didn't get the cameo I was expecting lmaoo honestly my biggest shock of this ep. Nurse Laura Bailey was fun though I can't believe I didn't recognize her lol.

Other, season overview stuff now that we're done:

I'm absolutely shocked there was no brick/bottle easter egg. Shocked and appalled!

I ended up agreeing with the "needs more infected" criticism, although I didn't at first. I don't think the show needs a ton of them, but I DO think the ever-present danger of them is necessary backdrop for the world, and you lose that in the show after episode 5. It seems like everywhere Joel and Ellie went was infected-free. I saw someone on Twitter joke "why do they even need a cure there's only like 3 infected" which... yeah.

Still hate Tess' death. My least favourite part of the entire first season lol

Don't agree with how the show's approach to FEDRA

Maria and Tommy's baby is a real wildcard going forward huh?

Overall I feel like I'd give this season ... I dunno an 8.5? Or 9? 8.75?... out of 10. Ultimately I do prefer the game, but I figured I would. I really enjoyed watching it weekly, will miss it, and can't wait for s2. I think part 2's story will need more retooling to work for television, and tbh that excites me, because for the MOST part the bits where the show deviated a little from the game were my favourites.

#the last of us #the last of us hbo

[jayagupta29]

Rangeelo Rajasthan: Padharo Mhare Des

Jan 3, 2024

Uncategorized

Having lived in Rajasthan for 18 odd years and some 24 years in NCR, I have always wanted to explore the western side of Rajasthan which includes Jodhpur and Jaisalmer. This land of abundant sun, sand and soil was still mysterious to me and evaded me for long until I got an opportunity to go on a road trip this winter of 2023.

Gliding through the glazing smooth butter roads starting from Mumbai expressway in Gurgaon to Jodhpur in Rajasthan, the drive was very smooth except some parts near Ajmer where some re – laying of roads was being carried on but that failed to dampen my enthusiasm in any way.

We touched down Jodhpur by 3 pm and checked into Rani Mahal, an erstwhile haveli run by a mother daughter duo. This 450 years old haveli purchased by Sri Vinod Sa Bhandari against her wife’s wishes was turned into a hotel in 2014. Little did she know that it would become her lifeline and lifelong companion in the time to come when her husband passed away in corona in 2020. From fighting all odds, facing all challenges to supporting her very young kids and putting up a bold facade and protecting her grieving and vulnerable self, she rose to the occasion and took the reins of the hotel in her hands. Smt Nisha Bhandari along with her daughter Ms Mitali Bhandari,is right here at the hotel in the morning to attend to her patrons, asking for feedback, supervising the property and gradually learning the tricks of hospitality industry day by day. Located against the majestic Mehrangarh fort in Nauchowkia, Fatehpur road, Rani Mahal provides a very unique and authentic experience to the guests of living in the city and of the vibrant markets around.

The interiors of Rani Mahal are quite impressive. It houses 19 rooms, all of which are done differently and gives you the feel of what life the maharajas and maharanis of the bygone days must have lived .Breakfast at the terrace against the Mehrangarh fort in the winter chill and sunshine is a different experience altogether . Dinner again at the terrace with live folk music playing adds a dash of charm to your excitement .Lunch is served in the cosy ambience of the ground floor .

One can visit Toorji ka Jhalra, a stepwell constructed in 1740 which is very near to Rani Mahal. One will be surprised to see a very modern market that has come up there in the midst of the old city, near clock tower for the tourists; catering to all your couturial needs and handicrafts for your homes.

A 5 mins walk from Rani Mahal will lead you the major tourist attraction of Jodhpur, yes, you got it right! It’s the Majestic Mehrangarh Fort. Indulge in some adventurous activities before indulging in its historic grandeur .The zip lining at 6 levels is a major draw for the adventurous lot. You get an amazing experience of zipping through lakes, above the fort and enjoy some good aerial views of the fort and the city.

Zip-Lining at Mehrangarh Fort (Agency- Flying Fox)

Once inside the fort, you travel back to old times and remain awestruck looking at the weaponry, the relics, the vibrant costumes and turbans ,the massive palaquins, the huge howdahs used by the members of the royal family. The grandeur and architectural beauty of the fort including the sheesh mahal, Phool mahal have to be seen to be believed.

The restaurant in the fort offers you some really good Rajasthani cuisine like dal- bati churma, traditional thali besides other cuisines . I can vouch that all over Rajasthan ,you will always find good food . The spices used are qualitatively very good but again you will have to savour it to believe it.

Village safari is another tourist attraction that you can pack in your itinerary. The jeep picks you up from the designated point and the driver cum guide takes you to the Bishnoi village enlightening and immersing you with the different aspects of their culture . Not many know that the Bishnoi community of 15 000/ people have a place in history as we read about the ‘chipko movement’. Some 439 bishnois had laid down their lives to prevent the felling of Khejari trees which are sacred to them .Not many know again that it’s the same community that was behind Salman khan’s imprisonment for the infamous black buck hunting case .They believe that their guru Jambkeshwar has been reborn as Black buck, hence the respect for the creature is something that they will never compromise with. Bishnoi, as they got the name from Hindi words for 20 and 9. They believe in 29 principles, hence the name of the community. The foremost principle of their culture is that they don’t burn the dead bodies but bury them as they believe that a lot of wood is burned and wasted in the process. They worship trees, nature and wildlife. Secondly, they hold women in high esteem. The female mukhiya has a distinct appearance from the rest of the ladies in the family like she wears a red skirt, a red turban, a nath and a heavy anklet .

The male mukhiya wears a white turban. He prepares very diligently a drink made of opium which is used to relax their bodies and also on occasions like wedding. They do not take any kind of medicines ,whatsoever ,but rely only on opium for any aches or illnesses but they understand that moderate consumption is the key.

As you navigate further into the open village, you can see black bucks, nilgais, peacocks chinkaras and foxes openly roaming and grazing without fear . You also get to see the live workshop by durry weavers.A durry can take 140 hours of weaving by 2 people on the loom. Cotton and camel wool are used for durry making. The former can fetch double the amount while the latter is cheaper and non- dyeable too.

Block printing live workshops are very interesting to witness. It’s amazing to see vegetable colors and natural dyes being used to transform some plain drab cloth into a vibrant and valuable printed cloth. It’s notable that different castes like chipa, Patels, Bishnois are identified by the different clothes they wear . It’s like understanding that clothes are their I – cards.

As we move to our another district Jaisalmer on roads paved to perfection, I see vast stretches of barren land sans any high rises , my eyes unaccustomed to see. As far as you can see, there are herds of cattle, sheep, cows, goats claiming their land ; turbaned men on charpoys leisurely pulling out the day with no haste ; carefree kids playing some local games and women carrying haystacks on their heads to be used as fodder for the cattle or fuel for cooking.

Enroute Jaisalmer, one can see dates farms and vendors selling so many different varieties of dates that we may not even have heard the names before.

There are certain interesting things you can do like jeep safari, dune bashing, camel riding and parasailing on the Thar desert against the backdrop of the rising sun or against the sun set. Both of these times offer exclusive experiences to cherish.

As I bid adieu to the desert , my heart longs to come back once again and re witness its charm and glory ; savour it’s traditional food ; immerse in the folk music and dance  and imbibe the simplicity of this land of sand.

Rani Mahal Contact; Instagram Page – Rani Mahal, Jodhpur

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#nature #jodhpur #rajasthan #jaisalmer #vacation #travelling #holiday #rani mahal #hotels #food #culture #holiday season #christmas time #new years

[thoughtfulfoxllama]

I wish I could just fully understand and know how to deal with my trauma

Even more than that, I wish more than anything I didn't have to go through the stuff I did. And I'm just mad that everyone I grew up around either actively harmed me, or stood by and let it happen

I never felt safe at home. My mother and uncle were in & out of jail, and drug addicts. My uncle was an alcoholic, who repeatedly attempted suicide in front of me. In the rare event they were both out of jail, they would shout at each other all the time, punch through walls & doors, and in one case, push each other across the room (leading to my mother dragging me out of the house, and trying to make me sleep on a park bench over the night)

And then there's how they'd treat me. If I got bad grades (basically, below A+), they would yell at me, telling me if never be worth anything. My mother told me that I'd better get a good job, so she can have somewhere to live when her mother dies. She lost custody of her little brother because of all the drugs she was on, and just needed to go to rehab for 6 months. I literally begged her, crying to go, but she didn't think it was worth it (showing how much she values us)

My uncle claimed he loved me, but treated me as "one of the guys" (and, I'm just saying, the fact he was in his 30s-40s, buying beer for teens, and letting his 4 year old nephew drink one is sus). That's when he wasn't dragging me out of bed in the middle of the night to eat dinner (giving me horrible rug burn on my chest after dragging me all the way to the kitchen), or burning me with a cigarette

And my grandmother, she basically raised me. She said she didn't want to lose another grandchild (my mother abandoned my sister with her paternal grandparents, and my older brother was taken away because she did Meth when she was pregnant with him). But, she said she'd never stop her from seeing me

The issue is, she neglected me. Anyone who knew me after 2016 knows about the time I had a 104° fever for 2 days straight, and I didn't go to the hospital (thankfully, the fever broke before I did). But the fact she knew her children were delinquents, and still got them to watch me is unbelievable. She continued to let them watch me, even when both of them had restraining orders, because they were too horrible to be around kids. But no one was there to advocate for me, so I had to live through that for 15 years

And then there's the mental stuff. I was horribly bullied at school (and still preferred it to home, which she knew, so that should've told her something), and she didn't question why. I was eventually diagnosed with ADHD & Depression. I'm self-DXed with Autism, but most places won't do adult testing. So, what did my grandmother do: she ignored it. She lied whenever someone asked if I was ever tested for ADHD or Autism (I never was, but she repeatedly said I wasn't). And I don't blame my teachers anymore (because there's apparently a stupid law that they're not allowed to even bring up the possiblity of a kid having some disorder), but I blame her for not caring enough to even look into it. And for instilling ableism I'm me, so I never considered the possibility (well, I considered it several times, but I refused to accept it, because I couldn't bring myself to actually look past my preconceptions until I was adopted)

Eventually, my life settled down when my Great-Grandmother had a fall, and we moved in. She didn't much like me, but we avoided each other for the most part. Then, my grandmother died. She never taught me to live on my own (I couldn't even do laundry). I lost 40 pounds in 2 months because I was just too depressed to eat. I still don't think I'm over it, because even though I'm mad at her, she was the woman who raised me

And I won't deny that religious trauma is real for most people, but the LDS Church helped me alot, and continues to help me. I have a community that actually cares, friends who genuinely like me, and a philosophy & theology that teaches I am divine, worth loving. I have issues with the culture (such as my worth being defined by my work), but ultimately, it does more good in my life

And I don't know how to deal with any of this. I still deal with self-hatred, occasional outbursts (which further deepen the aforementioned self hatred), and a general "eh" feeling (it's way worse without my meds, and I've had a few bursts of real happiness recently)

I don't want to hang on to the past. But I don't know how to deal with everything (because this doesn't even cover it all. I never mentioned things like when I was SAed when I was 5, because it wasn't done by anyone I was related to).

#tw neglect #tw abuse #tw ableism #trauma #child abuse #child neglect #tw sa mention #emotional damage

[spnexploration]

Brotherly Figures

Part 2

Series summary: (Early seasons) Sam and Dean save a 15 year old, newly orphaned teenager from vampires. Much to their chagrin, she ends up tagging along on hunts, giving them both a fresh chance at acting like a brotherly figure.

Series masterlist

Part 1 <- -> Part 3

Warnings: Canon-typical violence

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Ava (teen!OC)

Episode summary: Ava and the Winchesters deal with the vampires, but Ava struggles to deal with returning to her new life.

Word count: 1.3k

A/n: This fic hasn't had much love, but I already wrote a few more parts to it so I figured I may as well post them. Feedback is more than welcome!

“When I say jump, you jump,” Dean lectured. “Don't wait to ask how high and don't even bother with why, you just do exactly what Sam or I say, understand?”

I nodded.

“I'm gonna need a bit more than that, kid,” he grumbled.

“Ye-ESS,” I sassed at him. “I get it, do as I'm told.”

“You wanna show attitude, fine. But you do not do it during a hunt.”

I swallowed. “Ok,” I said quietly, looking at the floor.

“Good.”

We went over the plan. Sam had worked out the general vicinity of where my mother and the other vampire had gone, but couldn't pinpoint. The best plan to stop them hurting someone else was to draw them to me; to use me as bait. Sam had argued against the plan, but conceded that we didn't have a better one.

I was sitting down, fiddling with the knife they'd given me. Dean crouched down in front of me. “Are you sure you want to do this, kid?” he asked gently.

I found my voice. “I'm sure. I can't let them hurt anyone else.”

Dean stood up, then put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. “Alright, let's go.”

---

It was a blur. Somehow, they'd found more vampires to team up with, so rather than the 2 we were expecting, there were 4. The Winchester boys had fought tooth and nail, but somehow in the melee my mother had still managed to sneak up to me and bite my neck again. Dean had quickly beheaded her with an upwards strike from in between our bodies, right in front of my face.

I shook violently. I'd lost my knife early on in the fight, unable to swing it hard enough or with enough conviction for it to be useful. I wrapped my arms around my body and felt the shock set in.

Sam pulled me into a hug. The vampires were all dead, and the 3 of us were covered in blood. I bawled against his shoulder.

“It's ok, it's over,” he said reassuringly. “You did great. It's over.”

I continued to shake. I could tell Sam was mouthing to Dean over my head.

“How about we get back to the car?” Sam asked. I slowly nodded. “Can you walk?” he asked. I nodded again. He turned me around and wrapped an arm over my shoulders, leading me back to the car.

Dean pulled out my bag of clothes at the car. He passed Sam a towel who gently cleaned up my face. They encouraged me to get changed, and turned around while I did so. Then I climbed in the backseat while they cleaned themselves up.

They eased themselves into the front seats and closed the doors. Dean turned around to me, “You ok, kid?”

“Yeah,” I said, somewhat shakily. “It was just a lot.”

He nodded. “You did good, and it's over now.” He turned back to the steering wheel and started the car. “Alright, next stop, hospital. Let's go over your cover story.”

“Wait, what?” I asked, confused.

“Telling them you are kidnapped by vampires is probably not going to go well,” Dean said, not turning around.

“You’re leaving me?” I asked, quietly.

“Sorry Ava, we have to move on to the next monster,” Sam said kindly, looking back at me. “I'll give you both of our phone numbers in case you ever need us.”

“Oh, ok.” I felt shattered, like yet another person was leaving me, even though I'd only just met the brothers yesterday. I suppose it was one of those trauma moments, that you want to stay with your rescuers because you feel safe. Even though with them I’d just nearly been killed by vampires, again.

---

The next few weeks sucked. I told the hospital my parents and I had been attacked by a bear, and I’d only just gotten away, but both of my parents had died. I didn't have any other relatives, so they put me in the foster system. I was assigned a group home, and bullied. Everyone at school acted like I was different; I didn't fit in any more.

And I couldn't stop thinking about monsters.

I couldn't look around me without thinking ‘are any of these people vampires? Are they something else?’ I was paranoid, looking over my shoulder constantly. I bought a small knife and kept it with me at all times, practising using it. Then the foster people found it and it was confiscated and I was punished.

I bought another one.

I had one thought. The only place I’d truly felt safe was in the back of that old black car, with the Winchester brothers.

I was going to find them.

---

I messaged Sam a bit, asking how things were and where they were. He was usually cagey about their exact location, but he would give general info. I googled, looking for likely cases they might be following.

One night, bingo. A case in a town only a 10-hour bus ride from here, and a message from Sam that almost perfectly confirmed they were there, if you knew what you were looking for.

I packed my bag. I pocketed my knife. And I got on that bus.

---

It wasn't hard to find the right motel, with Dean's unique car parked out front. It was night and I was wearing a black hoodie with the hood pulled up. I went over to the car and got out my length of wire to use to jimmy the lock open. Just my luck he'd actually closed the windows this time.

I had fed the wire down the window but not managed to unlock the door yet when I heard the click of a gun and Dean's voice, “You sure picked the wrong vehicle to jack.”

I turned to him.

“Ava?!” he asked once he could see my face. He lowered the gun. “What the hell are you doing here?”

I bit my lip, suddenly shy. But then I remembered what I wanted to be and I steeled myself. “I want to join you,” I said.

Dean looked at me incredulously. After a few seconds he sighed, “Come inside.” He led me to his and Sam’s motel room.

“Guess who I found trying to steal my car,” Dean deadpanned as he walked in.

“Ava?!” Sam exclaimed when he saw my face. “What are you doing here? Is something wrong?”

“I want to join you,” I said with a little more courage and conviction than I had managed outside.

“The answer is obviously no,” Dean said firmly.

“Ava,” Sam said more gently, “You have your whole life ahead of you. You don't want this.”

“Not to mention that this is dangerous and amateurs get killed,” Dean continued, arms crossed.

“I lost my normal life the instant those vampires took my family. I'm in a hell-hole foster home and I can't relax, I can't stop looking around me for every monster. Fighting them is the only thing I can think about. Besides, you must've been amateurs once too and someone taught you. You can teach me.”

“I ain't no babysitting teacher,” Dean growled. I stood my ground.

“We wouldn't wish this life on anyone,” Sam said. “You have choices, Ava, you have a future. You don't get that when you're a hunter.”

“I'm just going to keep finding you,” I said, arms crossed and glaring. “Or maybe I'll just set out on my own.”

Dean and Sam awkwardly shared a bed, so I could take the other one. I could see they were struggling to both fit, but I appreciated the effort. I slept better than I had in weeks, knowing the two hunters were near.

Dean groaned, rubbing his hand down his face. I could tell the only thing worse to him than an amateur he had to train was an amateur by themselves, getting killed. “Fine, you can stay the night. But we will continue this conversation in the morning,” he warned.

#supernatural fanfiction #spn fanfiction #fanfic series #dean winchester fic #Sam Winchester fic #dean winchester #sam winchester #brothers #teen!OC #platonic supernatural #supernatural #sam winchester fanfiction #dean winchester fanfiction

[polaroidcats]

15 questions

Thank you @squintclover for tagging me in this tag game!! <3 I loved reading your answers to these questions!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYBODY? No, my parents just liked my name, and its meaning. My mum originally wanted to name me Ursula but my dad vetoed that name because he was afraid I'd get bullied in school.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Uhmmmm probably last week in therapy?

3. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Nopeeeeeee just a fur babyyyyyy <3

4. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Yeah, but I've been trying to tone it down more because sometimes it leads to misunderstandings.

5. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? I can't think of any? Not a huge sports person. Love watching roller derby though, I WISH I could play that.

6. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT SOMEONE? Idk just their general vibes? And their hair and height and voice and things like that I guess.

7. EYE COLOUR? greenish swamp colour

8. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? ALL THE HAPPY ENDINGS PLS I don't like scary movies! I have watched exactly 2 scary movies in my entire life, and had my eyes closed or covered for both of them most of the time.

9. ANY SPECIAL TALENTS? idk what qualifies as a special talent? I taught myself to be ambidextrous out of boredom during online uni, so now I can also write with my left hand *insert bi joke here*

10. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? in a hospital :D

11. WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? tumblerDOTcom!!1, reading (either political nonfiction books or ALL the fanfic), various arts and crafts, gardening, or just, lying in a hammock in the garden whilst reading, generally spending time in nature hiking, biking, swimming etc. I also recently also started playing the cello again more AND IT'S SO FUN!

12. DO YOU HAVE PETS? yes yes yessssss his name is apollo and i don't post enough about him so here's a pic:

he even has his own tag on my tumblr (#hungry greek god) but it's pretty empty so far. my former pet ella had the tag #my little roommate and she was adorable and i still miss her every day </3

13. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 176cm!

14. FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? i think it used to be just all the language subjects, so english, french, german and latin (lol). can't relate to liking latin anymore but back then I LOVED it.

15. DREAM JOB? oddly enough I'm not a huge fan of the whole concept of jobs and capitalism, not sure what that's all about. but tbh as far as jobs go, i kind of have my ideal job? I've always said I want to do a combination of part time social work and part time something academic, like maybe at one point teach at a university or be part of a research team or something. And whilst that's stil far away I feel like I mightttttt be on a good path to get there which is honestly wild and incredibe and I don't want to jinx it!!

I never know who to tag in these games because I don't want to tag people who don't enjoy doing tags, so I'm not going to tag anyone specific buuuut if you want to do the tag please just feel free to pretend I tagged you, and then next time I'll know who to tag for real! <3

#tag fun #about me #squintclover #thank you for tagging me!! <3 #15 questions #hungry greek god

[sarah-aliterarylife]

My Life In Literature : Welcome!

A boy once told me how I would die.

It would be breast cancer, he told me, in my right breast. It would happen on 20th June 2022. I would be 37 years old. So when I found a lump in my breast on a cold winter’s night in January 2022, frightened is not an accurate word to describe the fear I felt.

The boy was my first boyfriend, and he told me this when I was 15 years old. He was also a pathological liar, a psychotic bully who terrified me beyond belief for much of the two and an half years we were together. Our relationship was what I now recognise to be abusive. He would often threaten to harm himself or harm me if I left, and so I stayed, for far longer than I should have done. One day, I will write about my time with this boy and the effects his actions had on my life, but now is not that time.

21 years after I ended the relationship, I knew deep down that no one can predict the future and the lump was merely a coincidence, but nevertheless, the experience sent me into a spiral. I began to experience anxiety attacks (mainly at night before bed, leaving me unable to sleep afterwards). My skin broke out into red, scaly patches, that no moisturiser would clear. I lost weight. I stopped eating. My mind descended into a dark place and my work suffered. Sometimes I could feel the lump and other times I could not. I felt as if I was going mad. Eventually, I consulted my doctor and she prescribed anti-depressants, therapy and a mammogram.

After a long 3 week wait for a hospital appointment, a mammogram and ultrasound revealed the lump to be benign, a swollen gland that increased in size in accordance with hormones (hence why I could feel it at certain times and not at others). The relief I felt at discovering the lump was benign was so great that I burst into tears on the ultrasound chair, leading three concerned nurses to rush over and comfort me.

One of the worst experiences of my life was finally over, but the effects stayed with me for many months. Indeed, they are still with me today. I began to reflect on my life, and my choices. Have I really lived the life I wanted for myself? Will the choices I have made in my life lead to regret, or a sense of accomplishment? Have I lived my life with meaning and purpose?

I came to the conclusion that I have lived a cautious life, an unremarkable one. I work hard and live in a comfortable home, with a man I love very much. I am careful with my finances and follow the 80/20 rule – 80% frugality and modesty with my money, my diet, my lifestyle in general, and 20% fun and spontaneity. In a cost of living crisis, it’s the best we can all hope for.

I have spent my life moving. Moving house, moving jobs, moving between friendships and relationships. But throughout all this movement, the one constant in my life has been books. For as long as I can remember, I have been an avid reader. Most people in life have a passion – for some people it’s sport, or food, or fitness. My passion is books. I’m a book nerd, as a former work colleague once called me.

Books have shaped my life in a way that no person ever could. They have been my friends and constant companions through times of anxiety and stress, they have helped me to relax and grounded me throughout a lifelong battle with depression and anxiety.

Reading forms a non-negotiable part of my daily routine. I read on trains, whilst waiting in the car outside shops or petrol stations, at art galleries, in cafes, in fields, even standing outside buildings in a crowded city. I read everything I can get my hands on – everything from thrillers, the classics, biographies, memoirs, poetry, cookbooks and westerns. I don’t have a “type” or a favourite genre. As long as it is a good story told well, I will read it.

I do not consider myself to be an intellectual, or particularly well read. I have never finished the complete works of Shakespeare (although I do own a copy). I couldn’t finish Mrs Dalloway, Swann’s Way or Doctor Zhivago. It took me three attempts to read Lord of the Rings. My long standing ambition to read the complete works of Charles Dickens has stalled at 5 novels, and I have struggled with most of them (but I did enjoy Oliver Twist and Great Expectations). I dislike books that other people love, and often find myself enjoying titles that many people hate. For instance, I found On The Road by Jack Kerouac dull and meandering, but thoroughly enjoyed The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. Where I am at in my life influences what I read. Sometimes I’m in a non-fiction phase, at other times I decide to widen my range and begin working my way through the classics (again).

But when I find a book I love, I am obsessed. I find excuses to read it every moment I can. I have been known to read on my lunchbreak, whilst waiting for the kettle to boil, and on many occasions whilst I probably should be doing something much more important. A long time ago, I was once told off for reading at work. Today, the simple joy of sitting quietly with a good book at the end of my working day is one of the greatest pleasures in my life.

This blog is something I have been considering for a long time. It began with a clear-out and developed as the cost of living crisis in the UK began to bite. It will not surprise you to learn that I own a lot of books! Currently, I own two (large) full bookcases and several heaving bookshelves, plus a Kindle with over 180 titles stored (many read, some as yet unread). My haul increases by roughly one title per week (bought either electronically or second hand on Ebay – big shout out to World of Books, I’m a big fan of yours!)

One of the many thoughts that came out of my experience last year, was thinking about the books that have shaped my life. In this blog, I will be exploring some of those titles with you, and explaining how they have played a part in shaping my life. Some I loved, some I did not. Some I will illustrate with my memories of where I was and what I was doing whilst reading them. I will give you my thoughts on each title, as best as I can articulate them.

I am not a literary critic, nor am I an author. You may disagree with some of my thoughts, or come to the conclusion that I am not particularly well read. That’s ok. I am simply a lover of books, with a passion for reading. I do not stick to one particular genre, or certain authors (although I do have my favourites). Over the last few years I have tried to avoid re-reading the same books, but from time to time I have a relapse and return to titles that bring me joy. It’s a mental health thing.

By writing this blog, I hope to take you on a journey, and introduce you to some of the books that I have enjoyed (or not, as the case may be!) throughout my life. Along the way, I may even discover a few titles I’d forgotten about! On second thoughts, that’s unlikely – one thing you will learn about me is that I have a memory better than any elephant. Maybe you’ll agree with my thoughts. Perhaps you won’t. We may even have fun together.

But first, where to start?

#book blogs #books and literature #book addict #literary #literature

[alexthegamingboy]

Toonami Weekly Recap 03/11/2023

My Hero Academia Season 6 Paranormal Liberation War Arc EP#127 (14) - Hellish Hell: Prior to the start of the War, a Re-Destro Double created by Twice is invited to the Hero Public Safety Commission for a joint operation, which turns out to be an ambush for his arrest. The Double proceeds to rampage about before dissolving, killing several Heroes including the President. In the aftermath of the War, all the wounded Heroes are taken to hospitals to recover. Among the villains who are arrested are Dr. Garaki, who is promptly interrogated by the Police, Mr. Compress who is taken to the hospital for his injuries, Gigantomachia who is air-lifted away, Re-Destro and Geten who are defeated in battle, as well as 16,000+ members of the Paranormal Liberation Front. However, "Shigaraki", most of his Nomu, Spinner, Dabi, Skeptic, and 132 other Liberation soldiers manage to escape, as well as Toga also being missing in action. In the remains of the city left behind by Gigantomachia's destruction, Ochaco and Tsuyu help the remaining Heroes and Police help and save as many injured and trouble civilians as they can. However, the casualties prove too overwhelming to the point that some Heroes contemplate retiring, believing the work no longer worth it. At the same time, the U.A. students discover the corpse of Midnight, tearfully mourning their teacher and the other fallen Heroes. Meanwhile, many other civilians continue to react over Dabi's confessional, wondering how Endeavor will respond. That night, All For One within Shigaraki commands the Nomu to storm Tartarus to free his main body.

My Hero Academia Season 6 Paranormal Liberation War Arc EP#128 (15) - Tartarus: The All For One possessed Shigaraki and his army of Near High-Ends raid Tartarus, the maximum security prison in which the "dregs of society" are thrown in to never be released. They successfully destroy the main gate, killing the guards, and make their way toward the main facility on an island. While flying on a Nomu, Shigaraki attempts to regain control of his body, but his master's will remains stronger, telling him to rest and that he is to become "the next me". Using their shared consciousness, both All For Ones execute dual EMP attacks, shutting down the power in the prison from the inside and out. This results in all the prisoners being let free and proceeding to go on a rampage, which includes Muscular, Moonfish, and Stain; a female prisoner releases Overhaul out of his cell. "Shigaraki" reunites with All For One, declaring to the prisoners to follow him if they want to escape, as it is the start of how he became the greatest "Demon Lord". All For One proceeds to commandeer several air crafts, sending the Nomu and inmates to attack seven other prisons around the country, freeing the prisoners from six of them. "Shigaraki" returns to the League to rest his body, leading Spinner to argue that he intends to follow Shigaraki, not whoever's controlling him, despite his claims that he has the best interests in mind. Two days later, Bakugo awakens at Central Hospital where he learns from his classmates the state of everyone after the War. Gran Torino and Eraser Head are still alive, but in critical condition. Endeavor is taking part in surgery, while the hospital is surrounded by protesters. Shoto recovers from his injuries, resolving that he is the one who has to stop his brother, just as his siblings and mother appear to greet him. While everyone else has regained consciousness, Midoriya still remains in a comatose state, watched over by All Might.

#Toonami #Toonami Weekly Recap #New Toonami Show Promo #My Hero Academia #My Hero Academia 6 #Paranormal Liberation War Arc #Food Wars: Shokugeki no Soma #Food Wars: The Fifth Plate