tinylittlebab

[tinylittlebab]

finally some good news!! my dad died!

everyone expects me to be sad but i am legit just happy about it. im stressed bc it affects if ill be able to move back home but besides that im so relieved. the world is now better because he isnt in it anymore.

its uh. weird to celebrate this i guess. but its such good news. been tryna convince my mom to leave him for years. i really did think one day i could do it but it was gonna take awhile and then there would be a messy divorce and custody battle and all that. well now i dont have to. fuck yeah.

so. thats nice.

i will still have to figure out the me moving stuff. sne stayed in with him primarily because she couldnt afford to leave him but he was pretty useless for money the past couple months. my hope had been to convince her to leave him and then id help with rent and stuff. the biggest obstacle is dead now so maybe i can. the timing its just sucky for it. still. i think i could.

i think things will work out.

i am concerned about her moving back in my my aunt bc that woman SUCKS. and its really unhealthy for my siblings to grow up with her force co-parenting them. during the time they lived with her before she was terrible. they wpuld be so much better off in an environment where theyre allowed to be actual people.

[tinylittlebab]

bro broccoli is so good

#i used toe at it all the time but i had a bag that tasted horrible and havent eaten it since bc of it #but i got a bag today and its so good. 100 cals for a whole bag and its so filling and healthier #what i really need next is to make hard boiled eggs regularly #everything in my life is super stressful rn that i lve been eating to distract myself from it #thinsg seem like theyll calm fown now though at least. and ive made progress on cleaning my room aswell tho it needs work still

[tinylittlebab]

i was only supposed to work for 3 hours today but the person scheduled directly after me called out so i covered it and worked an extra 4 hours. makes the uber more worth the cost.

in really happy with today. i exercised a lot less than i expected to cause i got home at 7:30 instead of 3:30 but i also was working that entire time. wish i wouldve gotten a break instead of working for 7 hours straight but oh well. and i didnt end up even taking my shift drink cause calories. i allow myself 1 apple juice throughout each shift. 120 calories is kind of a lot but its far less than a different drink would be. i wish i could do coffee but heart palpitations aint it when u gotta work and they also make exercising awful. ive been having chest pain recently anyway so im not risking having coffee. why does hot chocolate have to have so many calories :(

im glad im not working 7 1/2 hours tomorrow anymore. i was supposed to but because i closed tonight my manager offered me to come in 1 1/2 hours later. i guess i did end up working nearly 7 1/2 today with no breaks cause we got done closing later than expected. i hope i burned a lot of calories. its not a crazy active job but its active enough. and i didnt sit down once the whole shift until the very end to count a drawer. i also barely stood still. ugh my legs hurt soooo bad now. and i gotta go back in just 7 hours. i havent even slept yet

i had less than 1000 today which sounds kinda high but im starting with high res. im trying so hard to not hate myself for it but i feel worthless and pathetic. 980 calories is so so much. i only burned 100 from extra exercise. i obviously burned some from work tok ofc but i have no idea how much. regardless my deficit migjt not even be 1000. thats scary to me :(

well. i can start slow. its going to be ok. ill lose the weight. im supposed to be working more hours soon though so restricting will be harder. i simply cannot deal with hunger headaches and very painful stomach pangs while im actively working. ugh. just thinking about how painful it used to feel. bit yet i miss it. a lot of me cant wait to feel my stomach eat itself and my head hurt really bad and shivering all the time

i wish i could be happy about the dizziness but it literally never went away cause i have pots. but it gets a lot worse when im not eating

[tinylittlebab]

99.2 this morning. the fear i felt shen i thought i actually weighed over 100 was terrible but i dont. im just on my oeriod and when i weighed at 101 it was after eating and just at a v bad time overall.

i found a weight tracker that lets me track multiple weights a day. i like to weigh in the morning and night. what times a eat are very inconsistent as are the times a sleep and wake so its hard to know how accurate weigh ins are. it was an issue i had for awhile and it bothered me a lot. i had been looking for a better app but i never found one till now so yay! its weird to me how i just stopped. for awhile theres was this big in the back of my head of it but not actively counting or anything. just kinda trying to not eat and feeling bad when i do. its tiring to do this stuff and its like id just get burnt put from it but also i cant just turn it off

but at some point my brain did turn it off. along with everything else uh. i guess thats a compromise. not a good one though.

well. i made a mistake today. i took my free shift drink. i felt horribly dizzy at work cause disability. it was super busy. i wasnt even there for very long but for almost the entire time it was just me and 1 other person. they only just got there when everyone else left and they had been busy all up till when i got there and then it was still busy.

well. its a lil less cold today! i can probs get much more exercise in at least. im only working 3 hours tomorrow so i wont take my shift drink. im working 7 1/2 hours the day after (possibly without any breaks) so im gonna for sure drink smth and bring smth to eat. but thats fine. ill probs go to bed early and not eat much else that day so itll be ok.

well. my head hurts again. having my hair up in a bun sucks it always makes my headaches worse but i dont got a choice. im hoping it goes away soon n i dont gotta eat n take ibuprofen. i cant exercise with this pain tho

[tinylittlebab]

im feeling very pathetic today

my head has hurt so much today. i hate having chronic migraines:/ and what i hate most is that i gotta eat food with the ibuprofen

oh well. i went outside and exercised despite is being -8 degrees with -26 wind chill because theres something wrong with me. not even the ed stuff. i just simply cannot function if i dont go outside and skip around a daydream sometime everyday.

recalculated all my tdee stuff to check everything. 1460 for sedentary and with my usual exercise its between 2000-2100. thats about how much i eat without restricting or anything. just eating whatever i want whenever. i just exercise a whole lot.

i feel wrong for picking high numbers but i exercise far more than the average person and lower numbers are very difficult bc of that bc i will not compromise and exercise less. exercise is usually more effective anyway.

well. anyway. im going to do a gradual lowering bc i work and i dont wanna suddenly cut out a bunch of calories and have problems at work bc of it. its really not a big deal if its slow anyway. its most likely to still and be maintainable if i go slow. im trying to convince myself its ok. not like anybody is actually saying to me high res is evil. its just my own brain.

i dont understand why i so badly want to be disordered and why i have for so many years. im already underweight. its not enough though. well. i dont wanna make it about the calories i do eat. i wanna make it about the numbers i lose and the deficit.

honestly. most of my actual real care about how much i eat has always come from if other people are aware of it. otherwise its just me and to me if its just my opinion then id rather just exercise more and get the deficit that way. and i dont think theres anything bad about going slowly for myself.

but then i think about other people seeing it and like. i desperately want other people to see me as someone who barely eats. someone who lost a bunch of weight quickly. someone who they wish would stop losing weight. i want them to just be able to tell something is wrong. ofc since i only have 15 pounds to lose that wont ever happen. going below 85 is much more dangerous so im really gonna try not to let myslef want that. instead i wanna maintain 85. and i wanna be seen as that person who never eats and is super small and frail and pretty.

but i dont know anyone. im not going to know anyone. there is nobody to notice or think this. so whats the point in tryna make it happen immediately. might aswell do it the slower better way. and then i can maintain the weight easier. and its less miserable.

honestly im aiming for a below 15 bmi i should stop being mad at myself for not being anorexic enough. literally shut up stupid

[tinylittlebab]

99.8 this morning before work. barely dragged myself out of bed. its crazy cold where i am rn so unfortunately i cant exercise like i usually do. i might go out anyway but idk. i have a metal ear piercing i cant take out and wind chill is so cold it risks frostbite in 30 minutes without that so its a bad idea. even still i wanna

i didnt do my shift drink bc calories. i had some apple juice cause my head was spinning from blood sugar issues. im not sure what number to settle on for restricting. probably the 1200 range. my tdee is 1400 without any exercise or including work and i exercise a whole lot usually. higher restriction works better but it makes me feel like im not a "real" anorexic. as if thats even a thing or something to aspire for but alas. at 85 pounds my tdee would be around 1300 without exercise.

i wanna maintain the weight so im going to do the high restriction route because my body will be more able to maintain it. as much as i wish i could physically maintain 500 a day forever its just not possible with the sheer amount i exercise. before just now i was eating around 2100 a day and maintaining an underweight body because i exercise so damn much. i didnt really eat more because of it but when im restricting to lower then i do end up very hungry and needing to eat to be able to exercise.

well. its fine. i will start with 1200-1400 for now and keep that going till i see results or its been too long. trying 500-900 never got me where i wanted and i always had better results with high res. ive was doing this since i was 13. whatever extra time it takes for me to get there with high res is nothing compared to the 5 years. its only 15 pounds anyway.

i wish i could go a lower weight but its dangerous to go lower

[tinylittlebab]

working sucks, i miss cutting

#cutting my legs just doesnt hit for me idk why #i cant cut my arms caus ei only own 2 long sleeves i can wear to work and i roll my sleeves up all the time to not get them covered in #coffee and milk and then i have to roll them up when i do dishes so alas its not really an option anymore which sucks #but like. i cant keep my arms covered at work so :/ #ill just have to learn to like leg cuts #they sting more and dont give me the good feelings and im always way more nervous #people say theyre safer but i can see more veins there right over where i cut. maybe theyre actually in pretty deep though #ive looked stuff up but i cpuldnt get an answer. but its practically impossible not to cut directly over where they are so if they arent #really deep in there and are closer to the skin then its really dangerous #idk. i always cut the backside of my forearm the most. the front side with ur palm and artery is fine but the skin just feels less good to #cut. that skin actually feels much for similar to the skin on my legs. idk why the other feels so much better but it does #well. i guess bruising is what ill go to for now #till i get somw new blades

[tinylittlebab]

ahhhh i went from 93.8 to 101. +7.2 pounds :(

i mean. im on my period and have eaten a lot today before weighing but still its a lot.

its not the end of the world but its still terrible. i mean i guess its nice my standing not restricting weight is still technically underweight that makes me feel a bit better but still. well. its whatever. ill make it to 85 one day. one day soon i hope. i will make it happen

[tinylittlebab]

oh my god i just realized i havent been here since before i turned 18 wow

#i was still restricting then but i didnt open this app much

[tinylittlebab]

well. im back. recovery didnt work uh

i wasnt even trying to recover originally but my brain totally shut off from working 40+ hours a week and i stopped thinking about much of anything

i have a new job now though. not as active as the old one but thats a good thing. i still exercise constantly so it works out. im a barista now. wish i could do the caffeine but severe heart palpitations aint it. ill probably do it sometimes on the way home though if im real hungry to help with it

idk. im not sure what the community looks like now. when i was here last it was hard to find anybody bc it was flooded with extremely fatphobic twitter people but idk uf tahts still the case. i really hope not.

idk what tags are current either now but nearly everyone i followed are either deleted or inactive now. well whatever

[tinylittlebab]

im glad this job is going so well. ive been offered more hours so im gonna prob start doing 6 hours instead of 4 which is perfect.

my scale is weird and is still telling me i weigh exactly 97.00 nearly every time i check which is like. not possible. your weight fluctuates a lot so theres no way its that consistent. occasionally itll say im 96.70 but its only ever those 2

i need to get a new one. ill get my first full paycheck next friday so maybe ill get one then. i barely ate anything yesterday. walked home is horrible heat and it just took me out completely that i couldnt even sit up to eat.

ive noticed a difference in my legs and ribcage. im definitely getting smaller. i wish i could track it on the scale but its totally useless.

still dont know if this apartment will accept us. im really hoping it will though. i just wanna know for sure that we have a place to live that has my skipping space.

well. fingers crossed.

[tinylittlebab]

i feel like i can already feel a difference in my body from a week of eating almost nothing and being on my feet constantly. and this week i exercised much less than i usually will be bc my sister didnt work most days so i should be burning wayyy more next week.

havent been weighing myself in the morning bc i am so sleepy and barely have enough time to get dressed and get to work. i think maybe ill do that on one of my days off and make it a weekly thing.

i feel a bit less bad about my legs though bc i found out theyre too thin to hold me up on a pole bc theres a gap so thats nice i guess?

[tinylittlebab]

turns out i have an ear infection. ofc it just HAD to happen at the most inconvenient possible time but whatever

the job is going well. walking to it sucks bc its a half hour walk away but its still doable. might take a scooter there but i dont wanna look like a dork (dont have a bike or id take that) i should prob still do it bc its a horrible walk and i wanna get there faster

well. ill get a lock and prob start taking that

im walking around the whole time so im burning lots of calories. i mostly roll carts and stock miscellaneous things like dishes and toys n stuff but im doing books now too which is sure to burn even more since theyre so heavy

its not too bad physically. im definitely burning more calories though. i never have time to eat before work so ive only been having 2 meals a day now too. i think ill def lose some more weight bc of this job which is cool

im gonna be 18 in just about a week. last apartment didnt work out so were tryna find another one. i hope this next one works out better but idk. i might need to work more hours unfortunately. well maybe i can ask about doing 6 hour shifts. idk.

[tinylittlebab]

i wanna bruise myself but its summer n i gitta wear short sleeves to a job now so i cant

i guess theres my thighs. i like my arms more though

[tinylittlebab]

my blog is NOT a safe space for fatphobia or hate

[tinylittlebab]

havent been restricting much recently. hate myself for it. its hard to feel motivated when most of what i do is lay in bed all sad like and skip around specifically trying to forget about reality.

i wish i had friends.

when i turn 18 im gonna prob go clubbing n stuff like that. i think that will make me feel less sad. theres quite a bit that arent 21+ round me

[tinylittlebab]

good news is i got the job and once i get a photo id so can complete the process i will begin working. and the 3 ppl i talked to seemed nice and understanding that im just learning stuff now

bad news is i got the water out of my ear yesterday but had to shower again today and now theres more water stuck in my ear

im like. trying to trigger a breakdown bc it causes my nose to stuff and ears to pop which should help. i just need to cry abt something. well. maybe ill dig out some stuff from my old friends. i just desperately need the water gone bc im gonna do actual damage to my ear with how much im messing with it tryna get it out :/

maybe some cold medicine will help too for decongestion

i should get earplugs for the shower. i literally cant shower without getting water stuck in my ear n i really down want another ruptured eardrum