#one of my friends told me i make them feel bad sometimes bc they struggle to communicate w me

[boyghcst]

rip

#i feel bad #one of my friends told me i make them feel bad sometimes bc they struggle to communicate w me #bc they don’t talk regularly and #n I get anxious when I haven’t heard from someone a while I worry tht ive upset them or somethings wrong #I have bad emotional permanence #I don’t like the idea of making a friend feel bad bc they struggle w the expectation of being in contact regularly #even tho I said to them tht our friendship has never been super close bc we don’t talk regularly and it’s always been on and off #I don’t expect someone to talk to me all the time esp bc I know they are busy and they live far away so I don’t seem them often #but I still like to talk to them now and then and know they’re doing okay #I wish I wasn’t an anxious person it feels like I just make ppl feel bad bc of my own anxiety #I have struggled a codependency and while I’m better w my own boundaries I don’t want someone to feel like they can’t talk to me when #theyre feeling bad abt not being able to keep up the friendship #ik for some ppl they can not see them for ages and then when they do the friendship is normal again #whereas I just don’t have tht if I don’t see someone for ages I lose the ability to care for them in the same way bc tht #emotional connection has changed #feel like I just need to pull away from them now tbh we don’t even talk tht much but now I just feel like I’m just gonna overwhelm them :( #journal

[fiapartridge]

🥥 adam fantilli again bc tay and adam are my 2 fav things!!!!!!

STOP ADAM AND TAY R SUCH A POWERFUL COMBO AND HE IS SOOOOO YOU BELONG WITH ME CODED LIKE IK ITS SO BASIC but it's the cutest song ever and he's the cutest

and this was actually so fucking cute to write UGH I LOVEDDD THIS

His head rested on your lap, your hands raking through his hair as he vented to you about the events that took place earlier that night. “And then she said I didn't care about her. I- I mean, I didn’t mean to make her feel that way. I just–”

“Wait, so just let me get this straight. She told you to buy her a $2,000 dress, and you said no because you couldn’t afford it—understandably—and she got mad at you? I mean, Adam—”

“You’re making her seem like she’s a bad person,” he said, sitting up and taking the spot across from you on your tiny twin sized bed. You two sat in your dorm room, doing your daily talk about what Katerina, Adam’s girlfriend, did this time. And it hurt knowing that the guy you have been in love with your entire life is in love with someone else, but he was your best friend, you had no choice but to stand back and support him.

You met Adam when you were 14 when he joined his brother at Kimball Union Academy in New Hampshire. You were initially friends with Luca having met him in the library at school. He was struggling with math and every time you heard him get an equation wrong on those flimsy little flashcards, you cringed a little. So, taking it upon yourself (you were quite the confident 14-year-old), you sat down next to him, outstretched your hand, introduced yourself as his new tutor, and shooed away the poor kid who desperately thanked you for getting him out of that. 

After a year of tutoring Luca, you two became inseparable, and when you heard that his younger brother was coming to play hockey for the school, you knew you had to meet him. And, most of the time, you were glad that you did, except for nights like these.

You laughed incredulously. “Adam, she got mad at you for not being able to afford an expensive dress. She’s not really the best person.”

“She might not be the best all the time—”

You scoffed, grabbing his hands and holding them in yours as you stared at him intently. “You deserve someone who is the best all the time; someone who genuinely makes you happy; who doesn’t leave you like this every single night.” You deserve me, you wanted to say, but you clamped your lips shut before your true feelings could ever manage to escape.

Huffing and dismissing your words, he pushed you to the side, laying down on the small space beside you. His hands resting behind his head, he stared at the ceiling as you kept your arms secured to your sides. Sometimes you were scared to get too close to him, afraid of what you might do in a fit of spontaneity, scared that you could ruin your entire friendship in one heated moment. 

“This whole girlfriend thing is so complicated,” he murmured absentmindedly before turning to the side, facing you. “Still up for the marriage at 30 rule?”

You shook your head, breathing out a laugh. “You wanna say that when you have a girlfriend right now?”

Adam shrugged. “Just taking extra precautions.”

Rolling your eyes, you spun onto your side, looking at him dead-on. “What if I end up in a relationship and you don’t?”

“Then I’ll ruin his fucking life,” he replied, a small smile dancing on his lips. You knew he was joking, but sometimes you wished he wasn’t. You wished he saw a life where you could be the one he marries, a life where he could be happy with you, not just as an extra precaution, but because he really wanted to. 

“Will Kat be at the game tomorrow?” you asked randomly, as if the question just morphed itself out of thin air. She was never there. She was always busy with something: shopping with the girls, working out with a classmate, practicing cheer drills. You were so convinced that she has never even seen Adam in his hockey gear. 

You were there every game, cheering him on from the student section, pretending not to catch the disappointed expression on his face every time he realized she wasn’t there—again. 

And just like time and time before, Adam with his ever present hopeful spirit, sighed and said, “Hope so.”

—

They were up 4-1. 

The children of Yost screamed so loud, you were sure that the top of the building could fly off at any minute. And just as Rutger Mcgroarty scored the last and final game-winning goal, making the score 5-1, the crowd burst into another set of chants as you watched the boys jump each other on the ice. Everyone looked so happy, and for the first time, that happiness included Adam.

You waited in the lobby, ready to congratulate him and the rest of the team on the win, like you do every game. Truth be told, you loved seeing a freshly showered Adam, high off a well-deserved win. And expecting to have to find his tall figure in the crowd of students, you jumped back as he found you immediately.

The lobby was crowded, excited conversations filing into the room, leaving Adam to shout in your direction. “I saw you out there!”

You rolled your eyes, laughing. “You see me every time!”

He smiled, his brows furrowing simultaneously as if realizing something. In mere seconds, he grabbed your hand, pulling you towards the exit. You wanted to protest, to tell him that you had to congratulate the rest of the boys, especially Luca, but Adam was holding your hand and it felt so perfect. It felt like this was your life. Adam holding your hand, pulling you to secluded spaces, spaces meant just for the two of you. It felt like it was meant to be, like you were made for this; for him.

You guys rounded the side of the building, your arms hugging your body as the snow slowly rained down on you two. The lights outside flickered dimly, but you saw his smile, and you didn’t care about anything but him. In your mind, it was just Adam, Adam, Adam. 

“It’s so easy with you,” is the first thing he said. You pulled your brows together, confused as to what he meant by that. Noticing your expression, he went on. “I mean, tell me the last time you missed one of my games.”

You scoffed. “You are a conceited little shit, aren’t you?”

He shook his head, huffing out a laugh. “C’mon, just tell me.”

You racked your brain, trying to think back to the last time you missed one. And then, as if a lightbulb lit in your brain, you finally remembered. You think he remembered too. “We were 16, you were playing for the Chicago Steel, and I was dying from swine flu because your ass decided to make me a grilled cheese with expired butter.”

“Okay, okay!” He held his hands up in defense. “I did rush to your aid after the game, though.”

“Yeah, and you agreed to get me a wet towel if I watched an hour of your game highlights,” you retorted, the conversation replacing the chills in your body with warm, happy memories.

He stuffed his cold hands in his pockets, shrugging. “Well, my point is!” he said, sending you into a fit of laughter. 

“You are so stupid!”

“And that was so uncalled for!” he chuckled, tilting his head down at you. You looked like some sort of snow princess with the white flakes delicately landing on your hair. Your cute nose was red and he watched you shiver as he slipped his arms around your torso, pulling you to his chest as your arms instinctively wrapped around him. It was foreign for the two of you to be hugging, but this one felt different.

“My point is,” he restarted. “you have been to almost all of my games.”

You nodded in response, wondering where this was going. And you were even more curious when he said, “What’s my favorite color?”

With no hesitation, you responded with, “Blue.”

“Where was I born?”

“Are you really making me do an Adam Fantilli quiz? I mean, I knew your ego was high, but—”

“C’mon,” he laughed, resting his chin on your head.

You smiled. “Nobleton.”

“My real name?”

“Adamo,” you answered before taking a step back from his grasp. “She didn’t know that?”

He shrugged. “She didn’t know anything about me—not like you do.”

You sighed. You didn’t want to do this while he was with Kat. While you didn’t like her, it felt wrong to think about him like this when you felt that, maybe just maybe, he might be thinking about you in the same way. “Adam—”

“I broke up with her last night when I left your dorm.”

Your head raised, meeting his gentle gaze. You were shocked. He liked her so much, I mean, he was defending her the entire night. What happened?

Holding your hands, just as you hand done to him the night before, he took a step closer as you felt the heat radiate off of him and onto you. “You told me I deserve someone who makes me happy. I deserve someone who won’t miss a single game unless I food poisoned her, who knows me—not just surface level me—who doesn’t make me feel bad about anything. I’m convinced I have never felt bad when I’m with you. You belong with me, Y/N, and... I have only ever belonged to you."

#> fias 600 celly! ★ #adam fantilli blurb #adam fantilli x reader #adam fantilli fluff #columbus blue jackets #adam fantilli #taylor swift #hockey imagines #university of michigan #umich hockey

[himbo-in-limbo]

[a random head canon thingy idk cuz my I pad is charging n I can't draw rn 😞] Glamrock Bonnie/Glamrock Freddy

_____________________

I like to think Bonnie often goes off on his guitar during live performances (leaning towards it sounding like heavy metal) n often forgets he's playing for children LMAO

The kids love it regardless but the gangs like "dude again?" His longest solo was like a good 3 minutes...

He craves to have artistic freedom, I'm assuming the rest do as well tbh

Imagine hearing Freddy practicing his vocals, since we see chica shredding her guitar in her spare time I wonder if he dose the same?

I bet Freddy also likes to help whichever staff member is doing heavy lifting n he sees them struggling with the cargo n just goes "Oh please it's the least I can do! You all do so much for us, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourselves."

Also likes to help because Freddy has trouble just doing nothing...he needs to be doing something!

Or else he gets a bit antsy

Which is why he loves conversing n little tasks!

Bonnie calls the people closest to him "Carrot cake" bc he loves it sm and he loves them sm

In terms of the OG Trio I see chica being the one they protect the most like that's their baby sister to them 🥺♥️

Side note that it's a shame we don't have enough interactions between chica n Freddy in the game...

Like I wanna know if their just as close to each other as Freddy and Bonnie were

Bonnie gets excited hearing stories that the staff members tell him (if he's friends with em) about the outside world...

He LOVE'S it when they share their favorite music with him! He likes to analyze the guitar solos n usually that sneaks into the next concert hehe

He wants to go outside so bad...he often looks outside any windows and wishes he could just step outside for a bit...

This is also something I think the rest have in common.

They are happy working with the kids! They love their job! They would just like to feel the sun n quite literally touch grass...at least once!

Going back to Bonnie loving carrot cake he dose actually have a slight problem with it similar to chica...just don't leave your slice unattended with him, like a magic trick it'll disappear ✨

I like to think Bonnie originally didn't have eye liner but he saw one of the staff members have some on and he just told them "I want that! Can you put that on me?!" And ever since then it's been a part of his iconic look

Freddy laughs to hard at simple jokes like dad jokes kill him, which is why when he tells them sometimes he can't finish the joke 💀

His laugh is so cute n contagious 😭♥️

Everyone groans but they laugh at Freddy's reaction anyways

Bonnie's laugh is dorky, he snorts on occasion and the others call him out n he gets embarrassed

All in good fun of course!

If Bonnie were to blush I like to imagine that his whole face goes red like you can always tell when he's flustered hehe

Honestly I believe Freddy has that classy rizz, like he's such a gentleman, he'd court you properly is all I'm saying

As for Bonnie he's flirty, if he likes you he'll be teasing you a lot

He likes to bully his crush a tiny bit by making em all flustered, and yes he challenges you to bowling quite often!

It's his favorite bonding activity what can you do

He's such a good teacher for bowling too! Has to be for the kiddos of course!

All in all these boys have a heart of gold

They'll inspire you in some way n leave you feeling happy! And you do the same for them! Their still learning how to modify their hugging power tho!

It's strong! 🧡💙

#glamrock bonnie #glamrock freddy #glamrock fronnie #idk #limbo writes #drabble #fnaf sb #security breach #headcanon #im still waiting for my ipad to finish charging...

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I enabled a friend's possible developing alcoholism?

I (28M) work with a guy we'll call Damien (27M). Hes a cool dude generally, we're kinda friends but since I've known him a couple years now I know if one of us were to quit we likely wouldn't see each other again bc he's not especially social. for the purposes of full disclosure I'll also say I've had a crush on him for the majority of the time I've known him, he knows this and I've accepted that it's unlikely to go anywhere because he's probably the least emotionally available person I've ever met, but I'd still like to do physical stuff with him sometime if he'd be open to it.

Damien seems to kinda...hate himself a bit. it's clear he struggles with some mental health issues and I've told him he can talk to me about stuff but I haven't pried too deep on the specifics, because I'm not his therapist and if he wanted to tell me he would. he's expressed suicidal ideations in a half-joking way before and has pretty much ignored when I've expressed concern/distress over them. and he's been chatting lately about how he has been getting drunk like, every night. I've mentioned offhandedly how that's probably not great for him and he agreed, but is still doing it.

anyway he also knows how to repair Nintendo switch systems and enjoys doing so. a couple years ago (when we hadn't known each other very long and I'd JUST developed feelings for him) he fixed my analog stick when it started drifting. I repaid him with dinner. now my stick is drifting again and my case is cracked, so I've brought up the idea of him fixing the stick and changing the case out with dinner and booze (I enjoy drinking too, just like...only every other weekend or so). he seemed enthusiastic about the idea.

I expressed to him that it would be a RESPONSIBLE amount of booze and that if he drank at my house I'd be hiding his keys till he sobered up so he couldn't drive drunk. I also don't have any intentions to do anything inappropriate with him (even in the unlikely event that he initiated anything, I'd insist on talking about it sober first) besides the same level of joke-flirting i already do at work. I just want him to have a fun time and to fairly repay him for his work (I don't make very much money, and he hasn't asked for monetary payment), but I'm worried that I shouldn't be participating in what seems to be developing into a bad habit for him.

TLDR friend seems to be drinking a little too often, but I offered him dinner and booze as payment for some light repair work.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

[campgender]

Hi, my friend has a chronic illness that flares up sometimes and we've been wanting to hang out but it has gotten cancelled a couple times lately bc of her not feeling well enough on the day. I want to ask her how she feels cuz I care abt her a lot and want an update but 1, I don't want her to feel pressured or like I'm asking just to ask can we hang out now, and not bc I care abt how she's feeling (does that make sense? I may be overthinking this) and 2, I genuinely wanna know how she's doing but idk what to say if she responds with her not being better, sometimes u don't feel better and that's ok but I always want to offer comfort somehow or just convey my friendship? but I feel the same everytime and don't want to sound repetitive ?

Any thoughts?

this is really kind of you & it means so much to me that you want to support your friend & are putting so much thought into it! my response is inherently based in my own experience to an extent & everybody’s different, but a lot if not all of this is stuff i’ve heard regularly from other chronically ill people. of course, don’t say anything you don’t mean – if some of this isn’t the case for you, just adapt accordingly :)

i understand worrying about being repetitive but i think that’s totally okay to do! for one thing, it can be difficult to remember things period when you’re ill, especially during a flare, & for another, internalized + societal ableism is a hell of a force. it never hurts to have a reminder that not everyone is trying to force ableist expectations onto you + your friendship & that someone cares about you!

i think you can definitely tell your friend pretty much what you told me! like, “hey, it’s okay if you aren’t feeling up for responding but i just wanted to check on you! not trying to pressure you to hang out or anything, i just care about you & how you’re doing”

honestly the most important + supportive thing people have ever told me is that it’s okay if the answer is “bad.” i’m literally like surprised pikachu meme every time somebody offers to let me vent about having a rough time & then it helps me just to talk about it. it’s really socially unacceptable to talk about chronic pain & a lot of people get frustrated when you’re complaining about the same thing & there’s not really anything they can do, so just the opportunity to be like “yeah shit fucking sucks right now” means a lot.

obv the appropriateness of this depends on the person & their relationship to disability but most of the time i’m very like, radical acceptance / embracing / etc about the fact that i’m probably just gonna get sicker, so sometimes when i’m having a rough time emotionally & am like “what if i’m this bad for the rest of my life” my gf (who doesn’t have chronic pain / chronic illness) will say something like “then i can’t wait to be there with you ❤️” & it’s more meaningful to me than i can begin to put into words.

again everybody’s different but for me one of the biggest things is when disability stuff just… isn’t a big deal to the other person. which, it’s totally okay for you to need support from others when someone you care about is going through a hard time & when things change! but abled people are constantly horrified about like, every aspect of my life, so being able to talk casually about symptoms & somebody mirror the mood / tone i set – laugh if i’m joking, be upset about the ableism i experience & not my body itself if i’m complaining about people being weird about it, taking things as they come – is so affirming.

other things that have been helpful + meaningful for me are friends sending me notes, stickers, & art in the mail – having something tangible can make me feel more “real” & part of the world, something i struggle with due to being homebound – & peer support around medical neglect, which often just looks like talking to someone after a doctor’s appointment & them reaffirming my reality / experiences & saying i didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

oh one other change in language i’ve made over time & probably picked up from a few other ill people in my life is a sort of realistic encouragement – there’s not necessarily anything wrong with “i hope you feel better soon!” because like, i get that the message is well-intentioned, but it can be awkward & difficult to receive when you don’t know if that’s gonna happen. instead, i try to tell people something like “i hope you get a bit of relief soon” or “i hope things are a little easier tomorrow.” a 7/10 pain day may be horrifying for most people, but when you’ve had a streak of 9s, it can be a much-needed taking the edge off, & i try to make space for that breadth of experience in my language.

i’ve answered a few similar questions before so i’ll add my “asks” & “faq” tags on my chronic illness blog in the reblogs if you want to browse! much love to you & your friend and feel free to lmk if you have any other questions 💓💓

#asks #chronic illness

[shimamitsu]

if u ever wanna complain abt blue flag id be all ears. ive had it recommended a ton but never got around to hear abt it

ah, the old blue flag. every few months i remember this manga and i feel pure anger deep in my heart. long post incoming! i know a lot of people like it so i'll preface this by saying that this is my opinion, you can still like it, let's hold hands and read manga together. anyway, blue flag. my main problem is that it feels like something that was written for heterocis people to sympathize with lgbt's people's existence instead of something that actually included lgbt's people's experiences and opinions. all you have to know is that there's this scene where a character makes a list of lgbt songs or smth like that and one of them is shake it off by taylor swift. yeah. i said this yesterday but it's not like i think it's bad for lgbt manga to be educational, that's totally ok. there are works like 'i think our son is gay' that are very good at that. the whole plot of the manga is that a mom finds out her son is gay and it follows how she learns about sexuality, lgbt issues, etc etc (it's also told from her pov). its purpose clearly is to be educational for a non-lgbt audience. with blue flag... it felt like they were trying to explain lgbt 101 to me and failing. it raised a lot of questions about sexuality that in the best of cases the author couldn't give an answer to (and sometimes it's ok not to, but we weren't dealing with queer theory here, the question was like. do gay ppl deserve rights), and in the worst of cases just fumbled the resolution completely. the best example for that is how a character's outing got handled. spoilers here ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ but man. the mc gets outed by his homophobic friend, later it is revealed that this friend is homophobic bc he got assaulted by a man (wow gay predator trope, never seen that before), and the manga could've taken 10000 different directions to deal with that but what did the author decide to do? yeah -> homophobia is just a different opinion! we have to understand where both sides are coming from <3 hell no. die. (it was awful and heartbreaking to read btw). more big spoilers ‼️ another thing that made me violent (and i mean it), was how the manga handled another character's sexuality. one of the main characters, a girl whose name i can't remember, spent the entire manga rightfully struggling with coming to terms with the fact that she liked women. she explicitly said she couldn't like men if i remember correctly. well. here comes a time skip. she's married to a man. how. what. and ofc i'm not saying she can't be bi, but she was clearly written as a lesbian. why on earth is she married to a man then i wanna KILLLLLLLLL. anyway the ending also sucked. in the time skip it's implied the main boys were dating (idek how we got there, ig we skipped the entire sexuality journey of one of them) but it was told from a 1st person pov for some reason so we literally don't see them together (i wonder if it was too gay for shonen jump). when this manga was ongoing, even when it ended, people were promoting it to hell and back, saying how good the "representation" was. i assure you i never saw a manga that centered lgbt characters be talked about THAT much, except maybe shimanami tasogare. it seriously was huge. it was a lot of people's first approach to lgbt manga as well. why people think lgbt manga peaked with ao no flag is beyond me. last year a mutual made a post talking about it and they made a great point which was that blue flag would've never gotten that popular if it wasn't a shonen jump manga and i totally agree. and i'll be bitter about it being licensed where i live while shimanami tasogare isn't until the day i die. but yeah that's a summary of my issues with it. obviously i don't recommend it lol

[convenientalias]

2023 Dramas I Watched in 2023

Cdramas:

A League of Nobleman--Slashy historical mystery drama. I loved all the slashiness and all the intrigue and then in the last few episodes I fell even more in love with the villain. Worth a watch but not my favorite slashy historical mystery of the year.

Mysterious Lotus Casebook--My favorite slashy historical mystery drama of the year! Tho more wuxia than historical I suppose. Bromance and archnemeses and identity porn abound. The identity porn in particular was a special treat for me; a character wandering around all these ppl who care deeply about him or idolize him but all think he's dead is my catnip. (I technically have a few episodes left to go on this one but I'm still counting it bc I am very close.)

Parallel World--YE LIUXI. I did a review of this one here! The short version: urban fantasy and parallel worlds in a desert setting, with a badass amnesiac female protagonist.

The Lady and the Lies--Miniseries, one of those short-episode things that China's doing a lot of now. Involved a cheating husband and a wife out to get revenge. I'm sorry but I shipped the wife with almost every person doing her wrong. She should destroy their lives and also dom them. They're all kind of obsessed with her anyway, in their own way.

Under the Microscope--You ever sit down and say, "Okay, but what I REALLY want from all these historical dramas is to just dig into the tax fraud going on in the background"? Me too, my friend. This show and Long River, which I also watched this year, are all about logistics, bureaucracy, and corruption, and the small man's struggle against ppl in power. That makes them both kind of difficult watches in a way, but also fascinating. I have yet to finish Long River, but this one is an easy 14 episodes and not as emotionally draining, so it was much easier for me to binge through.

Ye Cheng--I must admit I watched this for the pretty people. It's set in a matriarchal fantasy wuxia setting, but the gender role reversal feels a little shallow when the strongest good guy and the strongest bad guy are both men, even tho in theory women are supposed to be the warriors in this setting. However, the role reversal can be quite interesting in some ways--watching the male MC run a brothel as the city's top entertainer, try to use his ~masculine wiles~ to charm the FMC in a way that would be more typically feminine, and deal with the power dynamics of joining the FMC's household. Also, the two leads are just a lot of fun and have a lot of chemistry. The plot is sometimes stupid, but it's still a lot of fun to watch. Also, this was one of just two dramas I managed to finish this year that were mostly romance focused. When you reach the "dropped" section you will see that this is an impressive feat.

Kdramas:

Bloodhounds--I love Woo Do-hwan and I love Park Sung-woong but you know I was here for the ACTION SCENES. PEOPLE PUNCHING EACH OTHER AND SLICING EACH OTHER WITH KNIVES. THATS WHAT ITS ABOUT. I've also written a lot of fanfic about the protagonist and villain at this point but honestly they should have interacted more, we were robbed.

Queen of Masks--The only rich woman thriller kdrama I completed this year. But honestly, when it comes to rich woman thriller kdramas, I've seen better and femslashier. Mine did a better job with the whole "your husband told you the mother of his child was dead, but guess what it's actually me and I'm still alive and here to cause problems" plotline, tho I still enjoyed it here. And the sexual assault aspect... eh. I don't love seeing that kind of plotline in a revenge story; it's such a serious issue (and so much more realistic than, say, "this businessman murdered my whole family to acquire our company" a la Eve) that it kind of makes it hard for me to enjoy the fun of the mystery. But I suppose the way they handled it at least had gravity. My favorite plotline was Hae-mi and her husband and the drama they got into, which is serious in its own way (addiction and lies) but extremely well acted and with so much romantic chemistry.

Revenant--Spooky spooky ghosts and Kim Tae-ri, what's not to like? The possession aspects were creepy without being gory or too terrifying for a wimp like me to handle. The acting was great. And I actually shipped the sort-of-romantic subplot, though apparently a lot of ppl shipped the two MCs instead, which is understandable.

Song of the Bandits--A whole ton of gunfighting and other action scenes. One very badass assassin woman, a dude who is equally capable of taking out a whole squad of soldiers or bandits on his own, a villain with a complicated relationship with the dude above, and a woman spying on the Japanese government who's in a sort of spy love triangle with the MC and the villain. the plot was okay but again I was mostly here for the action!!

Thai dramas:

My Dear Gangster Oppa--This year I tried to watch a bunch of different BL dramas bc I was in that kind of mood but the truth is, it's not the het that gets me in m/f romcoms, it's unfortunately the romcom. Despite that! I persisted and did manage to finish this one. The lead couple was cute, and there was gangster intrigue and action etc to keep the fluff and comedy from driving me insane. still mostly a romance.

To Sir With Love--Also has a BL romance in it but not really a romance drama but a Family Drama with lots of familial plotting, the classic first wife vs. second wife scheming-for-their-children plotline along with what could have been a love triangle between brothers... except Tian is gay, which means the love triangle is null (except he's still engaged to his brother's love interest. which is awkward for all involved.). Also Tian being gay is a Deep Dark Secret. There's a lot of homophobia which might turn some viewers off but I loved seeing Tian's struggle between wanting to come out and having been forced to stay in the closet for so long that he freezes even at the thought of telling people he trusts. Also his mother commits a bunch of murders with terrible poison mushrooms so if THAT'S what you want out of a Thai drama, there is also that. Also he and his brother are. so sweet. and I love them. but also the central m/m romance is very good and involves assassination attempts and identity porn and pining and everything good. Also also this is actually a 2022 drama BUT IM STILL COUNTING IT bc it came out in October 2022 and am I really supposed to get around to watching dramas that fast??

Started and dropped:

Kiseki: Dear to Me--Even gangsters and intrigue could not save me from dropping this romcom.

Our Blooming Youth--This is also a romcom. You may see a pattern here. But to give it credit it is quite a plotty historical drama too. I just didn't really care about the two leads and dropped it halfway through.

Pandora: Beneath the Paradise--A thriller that was going places a bit too wild and frustrating for me.

Killing Vote--Can you believe I dropped this with only four episodes to go? I'm sorry Park Sung-woong, I love you but the plot is just so boring. And it plays at moral complexity while being just. not very complex. Like I swear the morality in this thing is "catching bad guys and punishing them is good, not catching them and not punishing them is bad." We could be talking about police corruption, our MC's terrible ethics, innocence until proven guilty, and so on and so forth, but we were just not going there. Also the twists were doing very little for me and the cops are just not very interesting characters. Again, Park Sung-woong, I'm sorry, you were a decent character but you could not save this show. Let's be real I needed either more Devil Judge here or more Death Note.

Legend of Anle--The romcom element was not helping this show's case but I still tried for 1) wuxia with identity porn and 2) Dilraba Dilmurat costarring with Gong Jun. Unfortunately those two had no chemistry and the plot was just very unsatisfying for me in the political intrigue area. One example: Gong Jun can't find the supplies needed to pacify a near-rioting mob. But that's okay bc Anle's subordinates found it. How did they find the super secret hidden storehouse?? we don't know and will never find out bc it was offscreen and never explained. They just did. this would be fine if it weren't, like, the climax of the episode and presented as a victory of the two MC's brilliance. I can't deal with this.

Naughty Babe--It's. A romcom. I'm so sorry I probably should just stop trying.

Other romcoms I quit too fast to give a fair opinion: You Are Mine, Extremely Perilous Love, My Lethal Man, Taikan Yoho.

Well, there you have it, 2023 dramas I watched in 2023.

Fun as it was, I think in 2024 I'm going to try to catch up more with older dramas lols.

Did y'all watch any of these dramas this year?

#kdramas #cdramas #thai dramas #all in all a pretty good drama year #i enjoyed it

[anonofseasons]

The reason the rest of Seasons went up is that I figured I'd better just do it before I lost all drive to share ever again and didn't at least complete Seasons for the remaining readers. It's the only thing I've written (outside of fandom) that has gotten much attention. It was nice, and I really appreciate that anyone would read it. But outside of that, I cannot get more than the tiniest handful of people to care about what I write, and it has been that way for years. It's discouraging, I'll be honest. My already-low confidence keeps taking beatings. I used to be more active with fandoms and posting fics, but one fandom/ship soured the experience for me. (Long story short, a lot of that ship's writers were bullied out by much more prominent writers. One of those popular writers mocked content from my fics in vaguetweets every time I posted, and I couldn't keep calling it a coincidence after a while.) I'd hear "you only write manbabies" (yeah more than once) and "you write too much of this" or be told my characterization wasn't realistic. But mostly? It just goes ignored. So I think, "I have to work harder and be better so people will be interested in reading it."

I don't know how other people manage to get word out about their writing. AO3 is great for sharing what I don't plan to publish/what can't be published, but what about what I do want published? I want to be a career author. And I struggle bc I'm dealing with problems that have a hand in worsening each other: financial struggles, living with my shitty parents, and bad health/disabilities. I need something in my life to work out for once. The pressure is on to be successful at something, but I just keep getting older and physically worse. My friend is willing to take me in when they find a place, we hope that's this year, but I can't live off of them, and I can't just sometimes cook and clean when I have spoons to make up for that. I need an income. I want writing to work out. But it just dies on my social media, with very few interactions, if any at all. I had a ton of stuff I wanted to finish for Seasons this month and into October to share with everyone in my excitement. But I'm losing my will to share anything. I only feel foolish when I try. Everything I do only proves my critics right, so it's embarrassing. Why even bother to try? It's been fourteen years of trying to get anything I write seen. I don't plan to stop writing btw, it's the sharing that's so difficult. I've been told countless times to write for myself when I express my despair, and guess what? That's good advice I've been taking this entire time! Who else could I be trying to please at this point? I have no one to please lmao, it's just me doing stuff I wanna do! The reaction to the ending of Seasons has me hesitant to give up on sharing, bc clearly lots of people connected to it in different ways, and that's wonderful. It makes me think sharing isn't so bad! But I just don't know if - at my age and health - if I can keep trying. I have two books I want to self-publish soon, and they feel like they'll just end up like everything else I post over at @mcalhenwrites - 6 notes and 5 of them are my reblogs! (And it's the same across all social media platforms - or it's even worse.) I'm really thankful that sharing Seasons gave me a taste of what it was like to connect with people through my writing, though. I don't think any of the people who commented or sent me asks realize how much it really helped me through this year, but it did. I started to have a little hope that maybe it wasn't a skill issue on my part, at least? ;A; And here's the thing: I don't really hate my writing all that much. I just fear it's got things wrong with it that I can't recognize, and that's what's putting potential readers off. I do believe my hard work shows, but hard work =/= good enough. My style is getting closer to the skill level I dreamed of having. I'm proud of my characters. But what's missing? I know that being a creator of any kind - even professional - is extremely tough, especially right now. I know this is a struggle for a lot of authors, artists, etc. :'( I just... I want to write as a career so I can keep doing more of it. I rarely have the spoons to keep up with anything. Writing is flexible. I love doing it! I just want to explain how I feel and what I'm dealing with, and why I'm so desperate. If you read this, know that it really helps creators to have our work recommended, boosted, etc. Authors matter as much as artists. I've been trying to train myself for the nth time to not be online and talk about my writing in any capacity. It hasn't worked before - I'm always too stupid to commit to giving up - but at what point in 14 years of complete failure with a side of humiliation does one just learn to give up? And to give some further insight into my thinking process: when I uploaded the remaining chapters, I put Seasons in my private collection (which holds 87 of my works out-of-bounds to anyone but me) so I could upload all the chapters without risking annoying my subscribers. Since 11 chapters in one night is a bit much, eh? :') Ugh, idk why tumblr won't let me edit anything or post long stuff. So I'm cutting this short I guess!

#this is a bit of a long post sorry

[yandere-dandelion]

Okay, just here me out!

Yandere Iida upon realizing that his Darling gets depressive episodes that lead to them not eating, drinking, showering, brushing their teeth, changing clothes, and sometimes it takes threats of punishments to get them out of bed. I can struggle with stuff like this sometimes, and I do use some shortcuts (Putting the toothbrush in the shower so you can get it done all at once), but there are still days where I struggle. So how would Yandere Iida handle it?

YOOOO SAME HERE!!! That’s actually part of the reason I got into yandere stuff, bc I’m autistic + mentally ill, so I can’t do a lot of stuff myself so I fantasize about someone else taking control even tho it’d probably be infuriating irl. There’s a lot of other stuff too but that’s one of the big ones

Anyways, I hope you like this (:

TWs: ableism, yandere, depression

Before Iida was your yandere, he was your friend.

As a hero and as your friend, Iida saw it as his responsibility to help you, even if you didn’t ask for it, even if you told him not to.

And at first, Iida is a great helper! Always patient and accepting, always helping, sometimes inventing new ways for you to deal with the challenges of your disability.

He splits chores with you to make them easier and more manageable. You clean one part of the house, he’ll clean the rest. He’ll put the laundry in the wash, you put it in the dryer. He’ll do the shopping, you can help him cook. He’ll wash the dishes, you put them away. That way, the chores will actually get done, and you can be a little more active without getting overwhelmed by the tasks or spending too much energy.

He’ll come up with new ways to overcome the challenges of your disability— different ways to make life easier. Exercises you can do without getting out of bed, breaking down tasks into smaller chunks, creating scripts for phone calls, dry shampoo and conditioner, toothpaste tablets, automated and voice activated gadgets so you don’t have to move, things like that.

But you’re never obligated to do anything. He understands how hard it can be to live with a disability, he understands your limitations, and he’s willing to help however he can. He WANTS to help.

Basically, Iida is the best helper you could ask for.

Gradually, though, he gets more overbearing, to the point where he spends more time in your home than in his.

When he’s away, he gets anxious. What if you need him and he’s not there? You can’t take care of yourself without him. You can’t take care of yourself, period.

Eventually, Iida starts sleeping on your couch, then in your room, then in your bed with you, because he wants to be there in case you need him and because he needs to be close to you.

He takes over all the chores and insists that you never leave the house because it’ll undoubtedly be too difficult for you. He starts changing your clothes himself, manipulating your body like a doll. He carries you everywhere, even to the bathroom. He bathes you. He brushes your teeth. He does everything.

And because you’re not allowed to do anything for yourself, your sickness gets worse. And since your sickness gets worse, he can take care of you even more!

If you protest, he ignores you. You must not want to burden him, you’re probably unused to being cared for like this, you just don’t know what’s good for you.

Instead of kidnapping you and locking you in his own house, he moves into yours and refuses to leave or let you out.

Iida wouldn’t threaten punishment except as a last resort because even though he’s a yandere, he’s compassionate and doesn’t want to hurt you. He wants you to get better! He wants you to be happy!

A few snapshots of this universe:

If you didn’t tell him about it-

“How did you even find out about my sickness?”

“I wasn’t stalking you!”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Actually nah he’d probably feel too bad about lying to you. He’d just change the subject and refuse to answer the question.

•••

“Don’t you think this is a little too much? I appreciate the help, but I don’t need you to stay here all the time.”

“It’s okay, you’re not a burden to me at all!”

•••

“Please go home, you haven’t left for days and you’re honestly creeping me out.”

“Poor thing, you’re just not used to being cared for. It’s okay, you’ll learn to love it.”

•••

“Let me out! I don’t want or need your help, you creep!”

“You’re just scared that I’ll leave and you’re trying to push me away before that happens. It’s okay, I won’t ever leave you.”

#yandere bnha #yandere iida #my writing #green warning

[c-kiddo]

Caduceus clay for the 002 character ask!! <33

heck ye :-3 as if i dont talk abt him enough 🌿🍵🫖

Give me a character & I will tell you:

How I feel about this character: best wee guy on the planet. like him soo much. good aroace rep whomst means a whole lot to me :'-3 unfortunately got vry overlooked but thats ok bc me and the lads make up for that by thinking he's so swag. idk man! yous know! i like him so much!

All the people I ship romantically with this character: none. begone aphobes *zaps you*

My non-romantic OTP for this character: jes and cad ;_; see my jester version of this bc i already cried abt them.. i just care about them sm. also wildbrothers is fun, i like the progression from fjord being scared of cad, to cad being his mentor, to being friends, to cad being fjords horrid little sibling about to do evil pranks

My unpopular opinion about this character: i like him better than molly, and also think him being in the party works much better and balances out the story too.. i guess thats unpopular lol (sidenote i think how the story went bc molly died is vry vry good. it worked so well. like, tal passing the dreams onto cad in a way that worked and that cad mistook for guidance from the wildmother.. so great. i love it so much.)

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: haha.. . .. :-) yeah. someone shouldve asked him if he was ok, after he walked out after being confronted by calliope. ik they didnt know what he told them apart from vague things about eating flowers, about coping, but he was Clearly upset, so clearly upset. and i know cad doesnt let himself be helped. and i know tmn are awkward. but they comfort others. the rest of them feel like they have a specific person to talk them out of things (veth and caleb, fjord and beau, fjord and jes, yasha asking cad for advice).. it feels like cad didnt really. jes and beau checked, beau checked after the arboretum. but there were so many points someone else couldve pressed just a little more, even though he keeps avoiding it :'/ also, i know it was the finale and so lots was happening, but i sorta wish that the fact that he straight up endured trauma in that last ep was addressed.. his home, his temple, was burnt down. and we know that the wildmothers temples are extremely important to him.. and its just also where he grew up :( it sucks that that happened

my OTP: no

my cross over ship: nah

a headcanon fact: he got autism and i-adhd and psychosis . so tru. :-3 also he has hEDS, and likes scaring fjord with his hypermobile backwards elbows. he samefoods porridge and tea most of all, even when he's having a fun time cooking for others.. sometimes he jus cant manage too many Things and Textures. he has a fun time making his own clothes and likes drawing on big papers bc has dyspraxia n struggles with fine motor details like buttons and things. he's got like 3 teeth missing from when he's alone. sylvan's his family's first language. he got bad circulation. and his tummy hurts but he's being so brave about it.

#asks #lol long answers for some of these #obligatory cad deserved better rant included #long post #caduceus clay

[depressedtheatrekiddo]

MAYBE FOR U THEY'RE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

For me, for me they're a piece of my soul, as the poets says.

I want to talk about my relationship with fandoms and all so, that's my experience and my opinion, feel free to comment ur own, but before we start have some tea from Uncle Iroh 🍵<3

Okay, I have many things to say I think, I never talked about it and put all my thoughts so idk how this is going to end. Also, English is not my first language and this is gonna be large I think, so that's it, whatever errors I have I'm sorry if it hurts ur eyes so much to read (my teacher when I forget to put an accent:)

The first time I entered a fandom LIKE reading fanfics and all was when I was ten I think, I started reading Harmione, Black Widow x Captain America and Adlock fanfics I KNOW I KNOW MY 10yo IT'S NOTHING LIKE ME RIGHT NOW (now I entered to the queer side of fandoms and I'm never leaving it<3)

I read them without a Wattpad account u know? Just searching in internet and then picking on them it was so random and I deleted the historial after everything bc tho I didn't read any mature content (I WAS 10 WTF) I was very ashamed, like let me explain it in another point.

10/11/12yo me was ashamed to say that I was reading fanfics or to think I was part of a fandom, the people that were close to me knowed that I writed but I never shared anything with anyone bc my first WIP's were fanfics.

Also I was ashamed bc I felt like when my friends and I watched a movie or a series or read a cool book in class they were like "oh cool" and I became obsessed with all for like a week (at least), so u know? I used to think something was not okay and that I was alone. Also couldn't talk about it with everyone bc I had to be the perfect girl, like I was (still but no) someone who had the best grades and perfect attitude, I was the perfect child (till I came out) and had to be the best example to my little siblings so that.

At twelve (I think), before starting 1st of ESO (I'm from Spain), my parents got me a phone (I still have the same, like this guy it's still here with me and my silly things) and so they told me it's to communicate with them and friends because I was going to go home alone or met up with friends at the town without parents, so I created a Wattpad account through google (bc I hadn't the guts to download it bc what if— GAIDNS)

So I entered to the marauders fandom (AKA MY HOME❤️‍🩹🫶🏻) through Wolfstar, bc I read them while reading Harmione a little younger and thought that at that time that I was questioning my sexuality it would help a little to read about queer people but at that time I didn't know where to start so I started with fanfics.

And I don't really remember the names of the fanfics that I read in the past because it's been like two/three years almost but I remember reading them and founding comfort and joy, I remember how I compared myself to every single character and to make a space for them in my soul, because they're a part of me, while struggling with sexuality/gender/family/emotional issues they were there all the time, I remember going to the comments and feel how my heart full filed itself slowly, finding a safe place, sometimes bad people were there ofc, but it was like feeling free and loved and I also loved all this people who maybe didn't know they made a someone's day bc of their silly comment, their kind words or their beautiful work❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

As the time passed I now find myself in very lovely fandoms and I love every single one of them you have no idea, they're all so beautiful and always have a piece of my soul, because I just love them so so much and everywhere I go I can find them there and smile. Now I do my personal things and think "Wtf are u doing up at 5am to go exercising, James Potter it's that u?" or find my relationships with people in characters, that helps me to understand and also makes me smile bc I will always thought of you if you're similar to a character<3

Now in my life I have found better people who listen to me and I listen to them, people who sparks with pure joy and enthusiasm as they show me a piece of fanart of a series I didn't watch but I don't care bc they're just so beautiful and lovely and I always try to listen to them because my younger self would loved to be listened🫂💗

So now I'm not ashamed to say that I'm part of a fandom or to throw references here and there bc it's a part of who I am, a part of my soul, and I think it's so beautiful and that nobody deserves to feel ashamed to be part of something so joyful as a good fandom🫶🏻

Thank you for being part of it

Thank you for writing, your words touched someone heart and made them felt listened, your words created a escape from reality for a while and become a home to come when tears roll down my face🩷

Thank you for drawing, your art helped us to smile everyday seeing our lovely ships there in ur amazing style, u are doing great and we thank you for letting us enjoy ur art<3

Thank you for that lovely cosplay, you make me smile so bright (and feel gender envy😭😭 // luv u, u're beautiful)

Thank you for that headcanons that made me go "Xie Lian didn't know wether to laugh or cry" bc u break me but also put all my pieces together

Thank you for that random comment you left in a fanfic that made me want to laugh at the top of my lungs but I had to held my laugh because it was 3am, u made my shit day better💖

Thank you for that beautiful comment that made me feel listened and comprehended, you are a kind soul and I wish you well:3

Thank you for that gorgeous edit (tell me ur secrets I tried and did shit BAJAJAJ), they made me smile and cry, maybe at the same time or depending on the edit:)

Thank you to everyone for being here, I wish you have a really nice day, week and year, sweetheart you deserve great things and people who loves you, until someone else can be there don't forget we are here🫶🏻🫂❤️‍🩹

Thanks for reading<3

#fandom #sorry for all the shit #I love my fandoms so so much #they're my home #a piece of my soul #:) <3 #I'm gonna tag some fandoms I think? like atleast the mentioned ones idk I'm shit at this:') #marauders fandom #gay dead wizards #dead who? #not them #atla #good omens #wolfstar is canon #idk what am i doing #so I'm going to leave it there #have a nice day<3 #and remember to stay hidratated🫶🏻

[kagejima]

Hihi!! How are you??

I'm here for sukuna Sunday but also nanami Monday (I know I already sent in a nanami thing but here go 💕)

I'm still thinking about that sukuna possessed nanami from the video last week and I wanna know your thoughts on that

Also!! Pls get water when you can 🥰🥰<3<3

WAIT hold on, hold on!!!! Chris, are you gonna show up for Sukuna Sundays sometimes now too??? Omg, excuse me as I squeal and giggle!

DSHFSKDJAHSAD FUCK ME OKAY SO if anybody is wondering what Chris is talking about, it's this tiktok that they sent in last Nanami Monday and I HAVE NOT KNOWN PEACE SINCE

okay, let's get started! also chris, bb, i'm pouring myself a big ol' glass of water right now just because you told me to and i'd do anything for you heheh

more thoughts under the cut

somebody try to explain to me why i had dove cameron's "breakfast" on repeat while answering this lmaooooo

Sukuna-possessed Nanami would literally be the end of me. It would be the end of everybody, let's be real here. You're gonna put Sukuna in Nanami's body? FHAFDHASKL PLEASE, no other man stands a fucking chance!

Even though I'm sure this will be controversial, I think that Sukuna and Nanami would get along super well. I haven't read the manga, I've only watched the anime like one and a half times, so if y'all know things that I don't know shhhhhh leave me be.

Okay, so hear me out. Obviously, Sukuna doesn't super get along with Yuji. We know this. He sees Yuji as like a straight-up child. But I feel like if Sukuna got the chance to possess Nanami, it would be wildly different. Even though Sukuna is my feral lil' meow meow, I think he would greatly appreciate how Nanami is a man of taste.

Like (omg this is gonna sound like a crack fic answer), I could totally see them appreciating fancy meals together. Nanami would make sure to get a private like table and stuff, and he would feed Sukuna through the cheek mouth. NO WAIT! NO WAIT! HOLD ON!

Okay, since Sukuna is a feral lil' meow meow, what if NANAMI is the one teaching him how to be refined!?!??

OKAY HEAR ME OUT, EVERYBODY.

When Sukuna possessed Nanami's body, he was like "Oh, this is going to be easy. This man is so fucking boring. I bet he goes nowhere, I bet he has no friends. This will be the easiest host I've ever had. I can control this man easy."

But like...... we all know Nanami doesn't go down without a fight. And okay, sure, it's a struggle to get Sukuna to behave, but he miraculously does it.

So the tables are turned, and instead of Sukuna picking on Nanami and constantly fucking with him, it's Nanami doing it instead? Like. I don't know. Maybe Nanami wants to do something like go to the opera or go on a fine dining experience and Sukuna is like "FUCK. JUST KILL ME NOW."

and Nanami bargains with him and is like "If you do this with me, I'll let you out for a little bit."

Because Sukunas can only go a little feral... as a treat, ya know?

And Sukuna is like "Okay, fine, I'm listening!" because the man is dying to get out for a little bit because Nanami is so good at keeping him under control so he doesn't literally take down the world.

But then as time goes on, Sukuna starts to actually enjoy himself!? He likes it when Nanami is reading classic novels and he likes it when Nanami takes him to the opera, and he likes it when Nanami is doing all sorts of classy stuff. And Sukuna's like "Hey, this isn't all that bad. You're telling me I've been missing out on this the entire time????"

Anyways... that's what I think Sukuna possessed Nanami would be like heheh.

..................................

also I'm literally about to climb up the walls imagining sadistic Nanami spicy times bc Sukuna is in his body, lord help me, i'm never gonna sleep properly ever again imagining the both of them together :((((

#🎤: frogsnbunnies0914 is recording vocals #sukuna fluff #sukuna #👑: rae's sukuna sundays #rae's sukuna sunday august 14 2022 #🎶: here comes the queue

[literaphobe]

(you don't have to answer if you don't want to) but i was curious how you found out you had adhd? esp since you mentioned being singaporean cause like i also grew up in sg and like barely anybody (gov, school, ect) mentioned adhd stuff growing up and tbh i feel like i only saw it in tv and stuff so im curious? also no yeah adhd is a struggle but i know you can do it you're like the sexiest girlboss blogger i know :DDDD

essentially i had a breakdown when i was 15 and i was skipping school so much (i would go one day and skip the next for instance) for mental health reasons i was also addicted to spn at the time like i mean u know my hyperfixation and well i will say that while i would read spn fanfiction and go through the dash when i skipped school it was also not the reason i skipped school like it was just... id just get dressed for school and then something in me would stop halfway and id go back to be and i was getting so much detention and i was suspended multiple times (IN SCHOOL SUSPENSION IS SO BAD THEY MAKE U SIT OUT IN THE OPEN IN FRONT OF THE GENERAL OFFICE AND STUDY ALL DAY LIKE DAMN COOL I DONT EVEN GET TO LEARN THE TIME I COME TO SCHOOL EXCELLENT SYSTEM GUYS) and yeah i remember running to one of my mom's friends house (it was a 2 minute walk away) to sit nearby and secretly use the wifi bc my mom turned the wifi off at our house thinking it would somehow make me more well behaved and she took my phone away and locked it in her drawer so i learnt to pick locks and one time i hid it and she got mad and screamed and got violent etc she had like a friend install something on my computer so i couldn't use it and i just... found a way to remove it somehow anyway um i did not respond well to my freedom being restricted but the adhd diagnosis thing happened bc one day i broke down in a doctor's office bc i was so sick of lying to get doctors letters (sometimes i wouldn't even take the effort to go and just let them suspend me) and my father had stopped speaking to me and didn't visit me for ages as punishment for my school skipping ways (my parents r divorced) anyway lo and behold i begged for help i thought i was depressed and i got an appointment w a mental health person and i was diagnosed for adhd (which came as a shock to me) (in hindsight it should never have been a shock) and well my school was threatening to expel me but after they found out i had adhd my principal was like huh... what are u and i was like i got this thing called medication im gonna try and take it and i pinky promise i will try and come to school more and well a bunch of my family members got all up in hands and refused to believe i had adhd so they brainwashed my mom who believed i had adhd at first (the doctor told her i had it) to thinking adhd wasn't even real and i had this tutor who took a 5 minute adhd test ANSWERED IT FOR ME WITHOUT CONSULTING ME and claimed to my mom that he had proved i didn't have adhd to this day my mother still does not really acknowledge the fact that i have adhd and when my dad found out i got diagnosed he looked up stuff on adhd and began to claim "my adhd is worse than yours!" and years later brainwashed himself into thinking he got me adhd help (so i reminded him that i broke down in a doctors office and got a diagnosis that he wasn't even there for and he thankfully believed me bc he knows my long term memory is really fucking good)

also they put my sister on adhd meds and years later she confessed to me she didn't even think she needed help for adhd "i think i could have adhd but its nowhere near as bad as yours" and well . well. all i will say is that this is the very long version of "i had Problems in school that snowballed and exploded in my face because no one cared until it was too late"

#ask #also i was able to 'get away' w skipping for the most part when i was at home bc #no one was ever home #my dad did not live w me #my mother was at work all day #i used to forge their signatures #for forms and sign up sheets #bc i would forget to ask #and they were almost never around so #short window ! #of opportunity #before i started forging their signatures #i would always get in trouble at school #for not having things signed #sometimes they make ur parents sign ur school assignments here #bc it forces u to show them #and well i forgot . sorry #my adhd story i g #adhd #um #ask to tag if anything

[lyricdissonance]

i warned you there’d be weird introspective shit (aka a lengthy summary of the past month of my life for anyone who wants to know bc i’m trying to be more honest and open about my feelings, i don’t know how to tag this but if medical and death discussion would bother you i recommend skipping this. there’s a happy ending though)

on october 22nd, i went to see a band that means a lot to me at a concert i’d been looking forward to for the better part of the past year. the lead singer almost died of a heart attack that night.

i won’t be naming the band in this post, out of not wanting it to show up in some innocent person’s search, but if you really need to know you can dig up my music blog and scroll down. meanwhile i think i can get everything across just fine without names.

i went from the soaring highs of concert adrenaline, to the confusion of knowing something had gone wrong but not knowing what, to the most uncertain and unsettled week of my life as i waited for any kind of update or explanation, to the sudden combination of good news (that he was alive and recovering) and bad news (that what happened had been far more serious than i’d imagined) that left me physically shaking. i was stuck with this huge amount of empathy that my autistic self didn’t know how to process, mental images of both things i saw and things i only read that wouldn’t leave my head, and regret that i hadn’t recognized the signs from behind the barricades and done something, as if there was anything i could have done.

the next three weeks were... an experience. i got constant random waves of anxiety, guilt, and sadness. all my friends and family wanted to know everything about the big vacation i’d just been on, and it hurt to feel like i couldn’t tell them the truth that not everything during it had been beautiful. i started to think every tiny twinge of pain or fatigue in my body was a sign that my own heart was giving out, making me almost have a panic attack at work one day over the fear that i was about to drop dead and my coworkers wouldn’t find me until it was far too late. i didn’t understand why this was affecting me so much: if he survived, then what did i have to worry about? i told myself i was overreacting, making a fool of myself. get a hold of yourself, no one cares about some weird band you like and some weird singer you have a crush on. what kind of obsessive parasocial shit is this?

it took many conversations with both therapist and friends before i could try to be kind to myself and acknowledge the struggle i was having. even now, it’s still a challenge: i kept stopping in the process of writing this post to think “why even say this when all the worst is over?” but i think if i’m going to respect myself and my emotional struggles i have to be open about them when i can be, stop convincing myself that no one cares what i think or what i have to say, let other people know it’s okay if your feelings are huge and complicated and too much to contain, that you’re not alone.

the worst of my feelings are finally fading now. the band let us know he was finally home from the hospital a day short of four weeks after the show. not just home, but apparently improving at a remarkable rate too. it was the first time in those four weeks that i found myself feeling hope again. i’ve said it before but in hindsight the whole past month feels like a dream, a total blur of emotion that seemed to last both a day and a year. all because i loved a band’s music so much that i flew across an ocean to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. all because i loved a band’s music so much that i couldn’t stand the thought of losing them.

my therapist asked me last week if i thought i’d learned anything from this experience. i’m still not sure what i’d answer her. but i learned that life is unpredictable, i learned that asking for help is worth it, i learned that there’s more love in my heart than i know how to handle sometimes, i learned that we’re all stronger than we think we are. and because i don’t know how else to end this, i ended up telling the band over instagram dm about the tattoo i got in their honor before i left norway, when i was still lost in doubts begging the universe to make sure he was okay. i think a part of me thought it would be a good luck charm. it’s based on some of their lyrics, it’s not much but it’s a small, simple drawing of a crescent moon over a rooftop. i don’t know for sure who answered that dm, but they did so last week with a “this is amazing! thank you so much” and a heart. in my mind i’ve framed that message on the wall

[three-eyed-cat]

This post is...kinda weird to make. In anyway I'm not invalidating anyone & just talking of my own experience w a suspicion of DID/OSDD

First of all, disclaimer - a therapist of mine, told me he had a suspicion of one of these disorder. I am not claiming to have one of them at all, I'm waiting to go to an actual professional that works with dissociative disorder before claiming to have anything! I also want to say- never talked about any head mates or anything to my therapist - just told him my experience with dissociation, without even mentioning it was dissociation (i was not sure therefore i didn't want to tell him that it was that, as I'm not a professional). Also! My experience is not something to steal & tell to your therapist to get a dissociative diagnostic. I just wanna talk about my own experience with dissociation & possible DID/OSDD.

Now, what did i tell him?

I simply told him, sometimes, i forget everything. I'm at the back of my brain, in a dark room, not able to see through my eyes. I can feel my body but in a weird way, in a blurry way. In a way where, my body does the basic tasks it needs to do to survive. My body and mouth try to socialize, seems normal, but i have no idea how what's going on. It only happens when I'm under really stressing circumstances. When i get out of it, I'm kinda lost. I know where I am, but it feels like i was not there for the longest time possible. It's like i was blocked at the moment where i was still there before going to the back of my brain, and the last 5 minutes before i went to my brain are playing over and over again while I'm not there. I have no ideas if that makes sense. It's a weird ass sensation, but i had that for the longest time i can remember of. Just, I'm not there anymore. My body is in automatic mode, then i wake up and i have control over everything again.

It's a really weird experience that i was scared to talk about for the longest time, before i met my actual psychiatrist. I was scared of it, because while on my dissociative state, people told me i was different. I acted like i didn't know them that much, or i changed my way of speaking, and yeah. Personally, i don't wanna advance on if it's DID/OSDD or not. I'm not qualified to diagnose myself (self dx is fine! As long as you do correct research and don't take all your information out of some carrd), and i personally truly think it's just some dissociation where my body goes in automatic mode, and just, change bc it needs to do the bare minimum to survive & seems normal.

There was a lot to unpack after this appointment, it was a really hard appointment. So, he diagnosed me with a dissociative disorder (NOT DID/OSDD! just dissociation), highly suspected some PTSD as he told me i had a very strong form of dissociation, and that i was practically always trauma responding to everyone & everything (I'm not sure if that makes sense tbh, so I'm not advancing myself either on if i have PTSD or not- yes I'm trauma responding a lot, but i honestly think it was a misdiagnosis, but I'm continuing to see him and we'll figure that out), and he told me about the possible DID/OSDD related to my possible PTSD.

At first, i was scared asf. I do not want to have DID/OSDD, i have friends with diagnosed DID/OSDD, and i know how bad they're struggling. I never understood people wishing to have these disorder, it's not some kind of funny roleplay, it's truly something's that is super hard to deal with. I was so scared, that i was dissociating. I can't really remember what happened at all.

In second, i decided to accept my dissociation. With or without DID/OSDD, i have a dissociative disorder. I can forget hours, days, months, years of my life, just by being to the back of my brain. It's still scary asf, but i accepted it. With or without a certain disorder, I'll still have a disorder.

Sometimes i get scared, bc i feel like someone there and I'm having conversations with my inner voice. But never, the terms "alter" or "headmates" comes in the conversation. It's just, some funky little conversation with my inner dialogue (it's not funky at all, i absolutely hate it)

But now, here's come what my friends told me when I was dissociating. I act, completely different. not in a "I'm doing the bare minimum to survive", in a way where I just totally change and i still act like a person, but differently. I apparently talk about experience i can't remember when I'm not dissociating. They told me, that it was fine. Whenever it was just a random dissociative disorder or DID/OSDD, i didn't have to act like it wasn't there. That, i could just go with it the way i always went with it, by being in the back of my brain when I'm under high stress. And it helped a lot! Because, when you scared of having a disorder, you usually either go in full denial, or convince yourself you have it to feel legitimate. But the easiest way to go through a suspicion of a disorder, is honestly, just continuing your life like you always did. Ofc, talk about ur symptoms to a professional, because a diagnosis will always help you , to figure yourself out & to deal with it.

I promise, living your life without asking you much questions about whenever you have the disorder or not, helps so so much, and make you realize that having a (future) diagnostic won't change everything drastically. You just have to live your life like you always did, DID/OSDD or not, don't pressure yourself about whenever you have it or not! Just- stay like you always did, doubt or denial wont help you.

//- i hope nothing was offensive in this post, sorry it's a long post. I just needed to get my experience with dissociation and a suspicion of DID/OSDD out on somewhere. Please - no hate, fakeclaim, or anything mean in the comments/repost. Feel free to speak about your experience on there tho, I'll be sure to read every single one of them. Also don't invalidate anyone's experience. Please take all care, systems and non systems, and drink water!

#actually dissociative #unspecified dissociative disorder #suspected DID #did/osdd #dissociative #dissociation #throw away #mental health #share your experience

[crymea-river]

4/26/2024

leap years are for remembering

god sometimes i read the things i used to write on here or even in my old journals and i cringe (for lack of a better word) at how seriously i was taking things. this page is such a time capsule. i love it, im glad ive documented my feelings over the years but it makes me feel… weird. nostalgia is so interesting.

im having a really good and also strange time with (what i assume is) my adult brain. good bc i can trust my judgement better than i have ever been able to; things just make sense in an innate way now, a way that i struggle describe. strange bc i feel like i know myself less than i ever have but also way more than i ever have at the same time ? im the same person i was at 11 and 12 and 13 and 17 and 18 and 22, and its so crazy to me how different all these ages felt but theyre all me. they didnt really go anywhere, theyre all still inside me. i remember being 22 and still feeling relatively connected to my high-school-self but then just 2 years later i felt decades removed from her. and now i feel decades removed from my 22-year-old-self. the way i would reminisce on 2016 in 2020 is how im reminiscing on 2020 now. lol leap years are for remembering, i guess.

ive found myself reverting back to a lot of things i used to do and enjoy in adolescence. lots of silly topical things, like using pantene instead of all these expensive hair products ive tried over the years. i loved the way it made my hair smell back then and it made it so soft and who cares if it coats my hair in silicon or whatever ill just clarify it every few weeks itll be fine. im also finally letting myself enjoy things from back then that i was afraid to fully embrace for fear of being judged. thats a Huge fun part about getting older i’ve noticed, not caring what others think. id have told you back then that i didnt care about that, and on the surface i didnt. but it would get to me to some degree. i think my music taste from back then is a prime example of that (im not gonna elaborate i know what i mean).

i hope im making 11 and 12 and 13 year old me proud. and i want to tell 16 and 17 and 18 AND 19 year old me it gets better, but also to stop taking such trivial things so seriously maybe. life does not revolve around having a boyfriend (or whatever youd call those fuckers from back then). itll happen when its meant to and it will be so worth it. no one knows what they want at those ages. i barely knew what i wanted until it fell into my lap to be honest, and that only happened after i stopped yearning so hard for that shit and began TRULY enjoying my own company (and my friends’ obviously. love them). this is not where i wanted to go with this, i didnt want to talk about men. i think thats what cringes me out so bad about my old posts/entries, theyre allllllll (mostly) about bOyS. which was age appropriate i GUESS but idk it just caused me so much unnecessary stress lol. i learned eventually, and im glad i did so when i did.

all this to say im very happy. and peaceful. and i love the people i have surrounded myself with. i love being in love and i cannot describe in actual english words how thrilled i am that its with will. even 4 years into it.

being 26 is just so strange i think

#i speak