#ok i think i fucking hold the adhd diagnosis

[aroacedavestrider]

i just know some kind of fucking wizard put a curse on me cause i have just had the phrase “full body scrunge” on repeat in my head and i cannot make it go away. my brain is in full fledged Scrunge Mode and there is no off button

#idk if its the right way to phrase this but like. ok #yknow how headmates and alters can hold certain Thangs #like some people hold memories some hold trauma etc etc #ok i think i fucking hold the adhd diagnosis #delete later #dave speaks #full body scrunge. what the fuc

[beesmygod]

i want to finish zelda by this weekend and, by extension, my time off where i just fuck about doing literally nothing. next week is somehow the 10 year anniversary of A Ghost Story which seems fucking insane. im getting excited to get back to it even if i have a bunch of other work to do first lol. part of that work is installing a new comments system that has some really fun features. like, look i can label you against your will

before i left hiveworks i had asked if they would extend the word limit so i could give people the badge "DIS GUY'S UPDATIN' DA TVTROPES PAGE" and it seemed like they were going to but it fell through lol. tragic

the pain in my body has dropped to near non-existent levels. i really did not realize how bad it was until i was no longer in the fucking thick of it. jesus christ. what a stupid fucking. uhhhh. disorder? syndrome? hold up. ok wikipedia says syndrome. fine whatever. i think summer will help bc the cold made everything sooooooo much worse lol. im having fun reading the like, 3 clinical papers about palindromic rheumatism and realizing they all say no one bothers to research or treat it unless it turns into RA (which is pretty random it seems with the only true influencing factor being a family history of immune disorders). im not sure if the rheumatology field has made a connection yet between all of their patients who go in over and over and over and over again whose blood tests come back negative until suddenly one day they're positive and the syndrome that often precedes it. and if they have im not sure why they dont treat that syndrome lol.

i dont even want meds unless they're going to pay for the ibuprofen which would be nice but not necessary. mostly i want a diagnosis so that if it does get worse or my symptoms persist they dont act like its the first time they've heard of it.

final note: im taking a new ADHD med bc the adderall supply is completely and totally fucked. they have me on concerta and i already like it soooo much more bc i can drink coffee with it and not feel like the flash afterward.

wow look at all those words. meds must be working. or maybe they aren't. who can say

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I feel content right now.

I feel like being friends with him I finally believe that when we were together he was truly in love with me and I should have accepted that I could trust him with my full self instead of self sabotaging and masking how I felt.

1- he went to America with me, stuck by my sensory overloading and suffered my many horrific meltdowns in the heat.

2- he stayed with me throughout my diagnosis of ADHD, as well as other medical and spiritual ish progress, and in trying to find my flow in polyamory.

3- he has been my friend for over half my life, he's been connected to me in some way through all my love interests @.@

4- as my best friend he understands me best, I'm comfortable talking to him about anything, no matter how much it can suck sometimes to be frustrated with others.

5- that neatly leads to the point that he's taught me a lot, and I respect him and his family for all the things they've done for me over the years. He fucking did drive me to the hospital at my low point you know?

6- so technically he's saved my life on multiple occasions, either directly or not.

7- he helped me to grieve for my Nana, and I hope I helped him somewhat too.

8- I need to admit the song I wrote about him... Not sure I remember the rest of the lyrics but I know he certainly did change my perspective on my poor old life.

9- he showed me it's ok to be a Sage, I might question my own acceptance of my gender and sexuality a lot but he is good at avoiding triggering gender dysphoria.

10- I don't know what else to say but basically I'm grateful that he's my best friend and he didn't abandon me.

Ending the list now, because this is strange that I would only make these kinda lists for N and not M or L.

Why? Why does he hold on in my head?

Why does his name make me feel things?

It's my uncle's name too but when I think of my uncle I think of my introduction to the original Daredevil and motorbikes. Also old anime dvds like Naruto and FF 7 advent children thanks to my Nana and grandad. I miss my grandparents.

The heart connects the head...

N is like family, I did say that I would always love him unconditionally.

Devil as he is, I must not tell a lie.

M and L are like family too. I suppose.

I guess I could say my Nakama is representative of my relatives.

I have a weird family but yeah.

My friends are my favourite people.

Nakama is Ohana!

#deep thoughts #ramblings #sleep deprivation #lovestruck #self deprecating humor #depression and anxiety #self healing #self love #love #normalise saying i love you to friends #normalise saying I love you platonically #normality

[sociallyawkward--fics]

hi xy time for what is becoming my annual checkin! how are u! i feel like since its been abt a year i have to infodump abt all my character development hold on i'll speedrun it. my pronouns r it/its zhey/zhem or (less preferred) they/them. and i have settled on those. it/its is the only one thats ever given me gender euphoria, took 4 years but i got there. ummm realized i have autism (undiagnosed). love the stimming and the being insane abt fictional characters the rest isnt that great. got anxiety meds!!!!! oh my god xy!!!! life is so good now antidepressants r a girls best friend. also. hold on ur never gonna believe this. i have adhd meds now. the crowd goes wild. was like yea doc idk i just think the anxiety meds r not improving my ability to focus what was that u said abt adhd^__^ n she was like hmmmm ok i cant diagnose u but i can give u this adderall u dont need a diagnosis for n if its like glory hallelujah we'll just assume u have it and GLORY HALLELUJAH. ive cleaned my room like more times in the past few months than i have my entire life im WINNING. i cant rly feel if its working but i'll sit down to write or smth n i wont get distracted every 5 seconds n the mental block that keeps me from doing things is gone!!!!! life changing stuff just wish i had it before my grades fuckin woooo splat. um my gpa is 2.2 weighted im like. ok well now that i have adhd meds im working on it -H (i feel like. ok i think tumblr made it so ur asks can be longer but fuck all those liberals n their woke agenda (joke) i am all abt tradition babey i'll be back for a pt 2 rq)

ummm rly into books love books. "thats old news h everyone knows that" but like im being wonderfully unnormal abt them<3 there was this one series the ascendance trilogy n i was fucking OBSESSED w it when i was younger n i learned there was a 4th n 5th book recently so like. the trilogy thing was a fuckin lie. but i obviously had to reread the series so i could read the new books n im still so obsessed w the series its so banger for a middlegrade series. got so unnormal abt it i made a 7hr playlist for the main character bc everyone elses sucked so much ass i just had to. still in the process of rereading but yeah. also theres this OTHER series the raven cycle i read recently n im also obsessed w that these series r all like my ideal books they hit all my favorite tropes. yeah just being rly unnormal abt books thats my current obsession. also. drawing. im so good at it u wouldnt believe. next fuckin van gogh right here. n honestly i dont even care abt going off anon it just bothers me bc my ROUTINE. the TRADITION. its just not the same. but i'll go off it just for u to show u some of my banger art. at a stage where im pretty frustrated at my limitations but that doesnt mean i cant recognize that im fucking awesome ok hold on again -H but yea ok to finish up what have u been up to! tempted to just ask what shows/game/etc uve been into but also i am exerting a little of my brain power to realize some ppls lives dont revolve around those. so just liek what have u been spending a lot of time doing. how is writing going! wait what r ur drawing skills just out of curiosity draw smth for me (if ur comfy ofc n dw i completely understand if it fuckin sucks taht was me just over a year ago) -H (when i was younger i used to think that ppl couldnt be good at writing n drawing they had to choose one. exerted my baby brain power to be like. it takes too long to get good at them u can only do one. then saw a book w the cover art credited to the author n i was like woahhh this is fuckin crazy living my younger selfs pipe dream)

----------

The way I have had a reminder on my phone to answer these asks for MONTHS but my executive function has been GARBAGE i am so sorry my friend it was not intentional to leave this sitting for so long i am so sorry!!! (also between the two of us this got Long so i am putting a read more so i don't take up a big block of people's dash in my return from the dead lol)

thank you for pronouns update! congrats on meds!! i gotta get me some of those so i can Detroit: Become Functional lol. I am rooting for you with your GPA!!! Also lol, love that we are following tradition of multiple asks still even with the tumblr updates letting asks be way longer now lol, it is just Familiar To Us

I will have to look into the ascendance trilogy!! My sibling is also obsessed with the raven cycle, but i have not read it yet (still debating if i want to or not, have been for YEARS lol, because i keep hearing "author problematic" and then never remember Why because i have Goldfish Memory). I will not post your off-anon ask with the artwork unless you want me to (want you to feel comfy on the blog and sending asks and I know you prefer anon!), but i will say that your art is AWESOME, my friend!! you are SO good and you're only going to keep getting better! I am glad you enjoy it!

Also bestie. This is a neurodivergent space lol, my life also revolves around shows/games/books/etc. they are the only thing that make the monotony of life and job-having under a neurotypical capitalistic society bearable lol. I actually have been getting back into reading ACTUAL BOOKS lately which feels GREAT (because reading Actual Books when i am so tired and Non-Functioning all the time is Hard lol), i am finally going through my seemingly-endless TBR and also have reread some old faves this year. Games-wise, the only thing i ever think about is still the Dragon Age games, Alistair is the love and light of my life lol. Show-wise.... i am in Limbo because of the Exhaustion, tragically, and also just waiting on new seasons (OFMD). Witcher has a new season out, but i have not watched it yet because Energy and also i have no motivation to because the last season they put out was so bad (even if i hear this one is good, i have lost trust lol)

Writing is. Not quite going lol. I have not finished a fanfic in ages, and also have made little to no progress on any of my original work attempts either, tragically. Hopefully things look up for me soon cuz I wanna get stuff DONE again lol, this blog has become so quiet and near obsolete because i cannot FINISH anything and it is TRAGIC.

Also, I have little-to-no drawing skills, but I also unfortunately do not have much energy to apply to drawing you a picture atm :(( maybe someday. Sometimes I can draw something that makes me go "omg i am not Awful, maybe I could actually put thoughts and energy into learning this as a skill" and other times it is like "i will never put pencil to paper (or stylus to screen) ever again" lol. Maybe someday when i am doing Better again i will hopefully have the energy to draw you something!!

#ask #anon #H anon #oh also fun fact i am teaching myself like. how do you say it in a way that makes sense lol. like how to make resin crafts n such

[luciensbabbles]

OH YEAH AND here's me ranting/venting bc I remembered this blog existed FOR THAT REASON its a technically public online journal bay-beeeeeeeeeeeeeee

HENNYWAYS onto the point: so not this monday we just had, the one before, I collapsed at work right? Didn't fully faint, got the vasovagel syncope diagnosis anyway, got a confirmed #notaheartattack bloodwork and tests done which is bonzer but uhhhhhh still got fucked arse symptoms around. So I go see my gp bc this was the first appointment I could get since my other other gp moved southside so she could be near work which valid, but leaves me in a lurch. Anyways I see her and heavily condensing everything she's all "good news I think ur chest pain is just the fact you've been holding all stress ever in your shoulders so just stretch them bitches out and the muscle in the front of your chest should relax and then no more chest pain. Also imma get you an MRI then we'll see about a neurologist from there for ya family headaches history."

which is great and all. But the main unsaid and unspoken thing was "for the love of christ CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND STOP STRESSING SO MUCH UR 24 CALM *DOWN*" but you see I Simply Cannot Do That™ for I am the accursed combo of Eldest Child, Eldest AFAB/Female child, and ADHD As Fuck with Probable RSD™ so! as you can see! My ass! Is regularly mown and maintained grass! And I CANNOT be introspective to save my LIFE and no matter how hard I try to do it the hideous cave troll in my brain shys from it like a frightened horse and fucks off™ so I still. Cannot.

Not to put on a therapy hat that isn't mine to wear but my uneducated guess would be THAT right there is coping mechanisms from being diagnosed as the Weird Kid™ and Easy Target™ by other kids withing like. 5 fucking minutes of knowing me bc back then ADHD and ASD weren't really a thing applied to little white girls but these fucking kids clocked me with it faster than ANY professional ever has. Anyway, my brain I think basically decided early on that when it comes to emotions (or at least recognizing them)

so now I can't emote anything more complicated than being angry, short periods of laughter/amusement, and happy sometimes. Can't even cry because my body physically will not let me whoooooo also can't get in to see a psychologist bc all the waiting lists are full whooooooo.

anyway! I have a lot happening. Thats not even getting into the optometrist doing the Diagnostic Thing™ the other day where she was all. :) hey so :) how well can you see :) in your lower eyes? oh no big deal :) I just think you should go see this specialist again :) and actually follow up on results this time :) and not just :) let the adhd and related "i cant be a bother or else I will shatter™" get in the way :) ya know?:) anyway uh thats a glaucoma in ya eyeballs if you didn't know :) Oh we dont have the best machines for this sort of thing :) so definitely see her soon ok? :)))) and make sure they send hte results to us ok? ::::)))))))

if you've ever been in/witnessed/seen an accuarte tiktik recreation. In any kind of medical thing. You know what I mean.

anyway!!!!!! that me!!! how be youse?

#lucien babbles #vent #medical #mental health #or mental unhealth but ya know

[q-kanbas]

i am being honest when i say i don't hate myself BUT if whatever the fuck is wrong with me was a separate entity i would beat the shit out of it.

#no im not being pissed again about the One psychiatrist i was able to see long term brushing all of my issues aside as part of being too #inexperienced with the world or whatever the fuck was going through her brain when she shut down my symptoms that nearly drove me to #suicide multiple times and then continued to do so #i brought up so many possibilities and instead of being proud that i was aware that something was fundamentally wrong with me and seeking #support she just shot all of it down with a vague air of superiority like i was pretending to have all these issues and seeking attention #anyway i wish i could beat the physical manifestation of it into a bloody pulp #it's probably adhd or autism but y'know i'll probably never be able to get a diagnosis or even someone taking me seriously #because my life isn't in fucking shambles to someone looking in from outside like having sensory issues 24/7 and no social #skills are congruent to having my shit together #maybe i'm doing ok TO YOU but i feel like someone's spraying me with a fire hose when another human looks at me or there's a noise in #my area and i fucking just want to not constantly have something psychologically hurt every waking moment #i hate this #i feel like i want to peel off my skin for no reason and it takes me 3 hours to make coffee in the morning because i can't hold a thought #the only reason my life looks together is because i masked my symptoms from so early on that i set up an expectation for myself that #can't be broken now i Have to get it done or i will fucking break into tiny pieces and die #and people seem to think that frantic survival skills are 'success' because they can't comprehend that being in something adjacent to pain #is just normal and i have to emulate success because i will die if i dont and i don't want to think about this anymore #i'll forget it in maybe 10 minutes #text #do not perceive me

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

I’d like to start out this post by saying that I’m not anti-psychology.  I don’t think psychologists and psychiatrists are evil or anything.  I’m just a person who is interested in psychology who also happens to fucking collect mental illnesses or something. 

I really like the push for self-diagnosis recently.  As much as they don’t like to admit it, mental health professionals physically cannot know enough about every single mental health condition to diagnose every patient they see properly.  There are over 100 conditions listed in the DSM-5, each with their own list of common and uncommon symptoms.  You might bring something to the table that they’ve never even heard of or know basically nothing about.  The good ones (like my therapist) will admit this and send you off to a specialist when you express concern about something they don’t know much about.  The bad ones won’t.  Which brings me to my point:

Even if you’ve been explicitly told by a mental health professional that you don’t have something, you can still hold on to your self-diagnosis. 

Mental health is about educated guessing for the most part.  There are brain scans for things like ADHD, but they’re really more for research than diagnosis right now.  If you’ve done your research thoroughly and you feel your mental health professional hasn’t, it’s totally ok to tell them that, or to just go and see someone else.

#mental health #mental illness #self diagnosis #self diagnosis discourse

[therandomavenger]

Anger and Acceptance

I've been listening to the Halliwell book Delivered from Distraction which was a follow up to his Driven to Distraction which was my introduction to adhd. And let me tell you, fam, it is bringing up some memories. It's a guide to what we knew back in 2005 about adhd, as well as inspirational stories about people who have persevered.

Now, I wasn't diagnosed with adhd until I was 32. The fact that I functioned at all before that time was a miracle, because I could look back on my childhood and young adulthood and see the signs in myself.

I was constantly losing things. In third grade they started handing out lunch tickets, which had to be purchased ahead of time. No ticket, no lunch. My parents were always good about buying them for me but then came the crucial next step: I had to keep track of them. No ticket, no lunch. At least twice a week I would be holding up the class, making us late for lunch, because my lunch ticket would have vanished into the black hole that was my desk. Everybody would be standing there, impatient, thinking 'what an idiot' because I, a non neurotypical eight-year old had not been able to keep track of a piece of paper that was about the size of a playing card. I seemed to be the only one who had a problem with this. It even came up at a parent-teacher conference. Did anyone attempt to help me come up with a strategy for helping me keep track of my lunch tickets? Maybe intervene with some easy organizational strategies or reminded of where I should put it? Of course not, it was just constantly pointed out as a problem that I shouldn't be having and I of course internalized that, thinking I was just a bad person.

Things didn't go better as I got older. In fifth grade we were supposed to have memorized our multiplication tables. Now, I had trouble with math, but I'd learned my multiplication tables. I knew them. I couldn't do them fast, but I could do them. So, of course my fifth grade teacher, a grumpy old man named Mr. Southwood, started doing timed tests. We had five minutes to do 100 multiplication problems. Now, this was a nightmare for me. I knew my multiplication tables, but could not perform at that speed on demand. Plus, at the end of every test we had to call out our score verbally, which would then be recorded. This, of course, followed intense stress with humiliation. Sometimes I did ok on them, rising up to the 70s or 80s, often I was down in the 20s and 30s.

But there was hope. If you achieved a perfect score twice, you were exempted from taking them in the future. We did these like three times a week. Now, through some miracle of variable performance, one day I managed to achieve a perfect score. Everyone was shocked when I reported my score, but nobody checked it, which gave me an idea. The next test I got like a 70 or something but when we were reporting our scores I said I got 100, hoping I would be spared more of this torture.

Well five minutes later Mr. Southwood gave a real barnraiser of a speech, how there was nothing he could think of worse than a liar And how for no reason he could think of someone had lied about their score on the timed test. I have no idea how he knew I'd been lying, but it was obvious that I was the one he was talking about. So my name went on the board with the words "for lying" next to it and I had to stay after school.

Another time, also in fifth grade, we were given packets we were supposed to work our way through when we had downtime. I put mine in my desk and promptly forgot about it, of course. Did he remind us of them over the course of the next week? Of course not. I had no idea this time bomb was about to go off until it was time to turn them in, at which point I remembered the fucking packet and realized I had done none of it. Was he understanding? Of course not, he just made fun of me and said I was spending too much time reading.

When I became a teacher I remembered all of these things and how they'd made me feel. I was always on the lookout for the adhd kids, and I got along well with them when a lot of other teachers didn't. But I don't care who you are or what your problem is, there's never a reason to humiliate a student.

But it was the 80s and I'm my small town none had ever heard of adhd. I was diagnosed with the unhelpful label of " learning disabilities" and in fourth grade I was in a pull-out program where they helped me slow down my lightning fast brain so that I could at least write coherently. They tested my iq, and found it was high enough I should be performing better. But no one said adhd, though it was a diagnosis at the time.

It was probably because I was not as hyperactive as some. Though I was hyperactive. I could not sit still and was constantly moving to the degree that it annoyed my classmates. There's video footage of me racing around my aunt's backyard doing cartwheels a hundred times a second. So really, the educational professionals in my life should have realized something more specific than "learning disability" was up.

But I fell in love with reading, which helped. I could hyperfocus on books for hours at a time. And I discovered a love for writing stories, which gave me worlds of my own making to escape into when the heat of daily life grew too intense.

My own kids both had adhd, but my ex wife and I were always on top of it, or we tried to be. And the teachers in their lives mostly understood. There were some that gave us trouble, but I can only think of one teacher who actually tried to humiliate my son.

So remembering these things has made me so angry on behalf of the little boy who once inhabited this skin. These are far from the only instances too. I just want somebody to find him and say, 'you're not stupid your brain just

works differently.'

When I was 32 my daughter was diagnosed at the age of 5. The pediatrician told us to read Driven to Distraction, which we did. And let me tell you, fam, it was a revelation. I put the book down after some description of people who could not keep their cabinet doors closed to save their lives and looked at my then-wife and said, 'this explains my entire life' and she was like, 'you think?' So I immediately called the psychologist we'd been referred to and asked to be evaluated. He gave me many different types of tests and even had me assessed for allergies and diagnosed me, saying 'i wasn't sure about you until you took the TOVA (a computerized test measuring attention). Most people are between -2 and +1 with larger numbers meaning more intense attention problems. I was a +6.

So I've had to accept this about myself. I've come up with ways to achieve my goals, while letting go of some things. I can write, but only for about an hour. But I can write 1000 words in that hour which is a good enough pace. So I've accepted myself and learned to work with the brain I have. I could accomplish nothing without adderal, and don't get me started on people who claim you shouldn't take medication. If you have eye problems you wear glasses and nobody makes you feel bad about it. For me, adderal is just glasses for my brain.

So I am still angry on behalf of the kid I was and on behalf of all non neurotypical kids who are made to feel worthless by people who are supposed to be helping them. We know better these days, and we can do better.

#adhd #mental health

[domesticangel]

I'm pretty sure my ability to focus is getting progressively worse. like. enough that I'm noticing this isn't the norm. like the last time i remember my executive dysfunction and lack of motivation being this bad was when i was in high school/going into my freshman yr of college and to put it awfully short was at the worst mentally that ive ever been to date. but the weird thing is mentally I'm doing like? pretty good? like i feel like I'm the normal amount of stressed and overwhelmed that i should be for being in my senior year of college but other than that I'm pretty ok? like the MAIN source of stress for me rn is. This increase in inability to focus and make myself do stuff. everything else, hobbies, interpersonal relationships, eating and sleeping (which ok to be fair I'm doing like the College version of eating and sleeping but my bodys been acquainted with that for going on 4 years so idk what would've changed) is all okay?

and I'm really not sure how to broach the subject with my psychiatrist bc she told me to let her know if i notice any prominent issues w my mental state or meds but she also like...straight up told me she doesn't think i have adhd AS she was holding my records that stated i had been diagnosed with it by a team of adhd specialists who then confirmed the diagnoses with another psychiatrist. like. she was like “i don't think you have adhd, i think its just anxiety” which is like....the 2019 version of being diagnosed with Woman i guess. like why do people never believe women when they raise concerns about their mental health until anxiety comes up and they're like oh, ok, yeah, y'all are allowed to have that one! like. its literally so frustrating that people never believe me when i say i have adhd even though i have a diagnosis and experience all the symptoms to an upsetting and disruptive degree. like what fucking more do i have to do for them to believe me. like YES i experience anxiety but hand to god 99% of it comes from predicaments i get myself into as a result of adhd

but even then idk what good her believing me would do bc like...i don't necessarily wanna get on adhd meds? ive heard from a lot of people that they can be pretty rough and also this is like.....a REALLY bad time in my life to get on a medication that could possibly drastically alter my mental state so. like i don't even know what i want out of this i just want some fucking help before it gets too bad lmao

#txt #just rambling abt mental stuff nothing weird tbh #just under a cut bc its long and bc of the personal nature of it #just outright posting it feels like flinging open my door and hollering it down the hallway #but under a cut feels a little more contained

[thechronicchronicle-blog]

The one chronicle

I couldn’t get the username thechronicchronicles so I guess this is it. The one chronicle...

Nah. I’m here. That’s what matters. Who cares if people are less likely to find this account?

Well, I care. I mean I guess I do? This is really just for me and if others find anything in the words I’m typing then good. I like helping people. I think that’s my goal in life. Just help others. 

Since I was young people have always been helping me and I think I want a turn returning the favor. Even if this means just helping those in my life or potentially in my vicinity. 

Ok. This isn’t going anywhere so here’s me. My name’s Emma, I’m 24, and I live with a number of chronic problems. Life is hard in a I’m privileged enough that lying in bed all day is available to me. 

Since high school I’ve been battling a number of illnesses, hashimotos disease, chronic migraines, chronic nausea, chronic tonsillitis, chronic GERD, chronic IBS, chronic gastritis... Most of these being diagnoses that occur when doctors are fed up with your complaining and just throw one out there to make you shut up. No really. They’re usually illnesses that doctors can’t find the reason for so you’re left with a diagnosis that basically says all of the symptoms are trying to fuck with you. From there you just learn to live with it and deal with each symptom as they come. That’s just the physical because of course my body cannot choose between just physical and mental. I have major depressive disorder, chronic anxiety, and adhd. 

Those are just things from the past. The real reason I created this blog is because right now-right now- my body is trying something new. The past year has been hard. Not being able to get out of bed levels of hard. The doctors still don’t know exactly what’s wrong but they’ve been tossing soft balls: narcolepsy or chronic fatigue syndrome. We just don’t know yet. And it is so hard to explain to people that you’re so tired without seeming like you’re just whining and complaining and being lazy or the depression’s back. Most days I don’t know if it’s all in my head or my body is just not working properly but after years of being sick with no diagnosis of something treatable you start to doubt yourself. 

I know what I’m experiencing that’s it. I’m 24 at the prime of my life and there are days I can barely move. Now I am so so so thankful to not be in pain, to have the support system I have, the parents I have, the space to live, people who care for me and only want the best. But I’m 24 and I want to scream. I want to scream so loud that it would bring down Mount Everest. There’s so much swirling in my head and then I’ll have a good day. I’ll have enough energy to do what I need to, to hang out with my friends, to go outside. But the good days usually lead to a bad week. I never know when I’ll relapse. I’ve had good months where it feels like nothing can touch me and I’m living even when I’m doing nothing. Then comes the bad and I still can’t deal with it. I can’t work a normal job I am dependent. 

If you knew me you would know right away how independent I am. I hold my independence above almost anything else. Having chronic illnesses zaps that independence be it the depression or the physical. The motivation isn’t there just as much as the energy isn’t either. They feed each other. The more depressed I am the less energy I have; the less energy I have the more depressed. There are some days that I feel like I’m pushing against an impossible boundary to try and free myself. That’s what it is I feel trapped. Trapped inside my body, trapped within a reality of my own making, confined by what I can and cannot do. 

It’s not all negative which makes it even harder to break out of. I get to be home, I actually like sleep, I’m here for my parents to talk to and help them, my cats cuddle with me all the time, I have time to read to my hearts content, I get to consume stupid tv shows and youtube videos... It isn’t all bad which makes it worse. It makes me feel like I like being “ill” and once you get in that mindset it becomes a reality of your own making. That’s not to say that what I’m experiencing is false but it makes me wonder if I’m not trying hard enough to be healthy. I’m generally content with my life but it’s stifling. I’m 24 and I want to make something of myself and I don’t want to let my body and mind stop me. So here we are chronicling this. We’ll see where this takes me but it’ll be good to look back and hopefully see how far I’ve come. 

I didn’t realize I wrote so much. I’m not a good writer so I don’t know why I even thought to start this in the first place but hey? maybe this will increase my skill by one iota. And I think I needed it. So here we are and here we stay. Away we go. 

#chronic migraine #chronic fatigue #illness #sick and tired #im so tired

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

oh gosh. oh gosh. I've been thinking about getting evaluated for ADD/ADHD myself recently but I'm scared & anxious. I don't know who to go to - is any regular psychiatrist/psychologist ok or would I need to find one who specializes?? What if I'm diagnosed but they can't do anything about it?? What if I'm MISdiagnosed so they can make money?? What if they tell me I'm just an attention-seeking narcissist and there's nothing wrong with me at all?? 1/2

All I can share is my experience, which is unique to a) me, b) my area, and c) my country’s healthcare system. I mentioned my frustrations with my concentration/focus (or lack thereof) with my primary care physician-- the person who does my annual check ups. They should be your first stop, if you’re in the American healthcare system, as insurance companies often require referrals for specialist appointments, and even if you aren’t in the American healthcare system, your PCP should be able to point you in the right direction of where to go next. 

I have a really great relationship with mine-- she’s been treating me for my entire adult life. She referred me to a neurologist for ADD/ADHD evaluation. When I arrived, the cute intake girl asked me a shit ton of questions about my symptoms. And in talking to her it really hit home how much and how long I’ve been struggling. 

And the neurologist took one look at my intake form and said “you definitely hit the markers for ADD.” (and maybe adhd? It kinda blurred at that point, because ha-hey guess who’s having focus/attention issues?)

Next step? Medication.

Medication is where the stigma kicks in again. Picture this: I am at the neurologist looking for help. There is literally no other reason for me to be there. I am struggling, I need help, and still-- STILL-- when he mentioned Aderall my brain and my heart immediately wanted to bolt. Like, what the hell else did you think he was going to suggest, numbskull? 

So next steps are getting a brain scan/EEG, to make sure I don’t have any other brain issues they need to worry about, and then I’m starting a low dose of Adderall, which is faster acting than some of the other options. By the neurologist’s words, I could be seeing improvement by the end of next week.

Your questions in your first ask are all anxiety, plain and simple (and guess how ADD can sometimes present in adult women? Ding ding ding! Anxiety). 

A specialist will be the best person to help you, so even if they can’t a) they may at least be able to tell you what it isn’t, b) can point you in a new direction, and c) at least you’re taking steps to help yourself-- which is huge. 

Lately I’ve come to suspect that the school fear about “overmedication” is an early split from what eventually became the anti-vaxxer movement, and fuck those guys. And keep in mind-- our conversation here is not about the virtues of forcing kids to sit still in a classroom for 7-8 hours a day, and the need for medication to help them do so. We are adults, struggling to exist as adults. If there is a tool out there to help us function more easily, we are entitled to use it, just as we are entitled to use anti-depressants or pain-relief.

(And PS if you’re wondering if you’re an attention-seeking narcissist, you’re not a narcissist, because narcissists don’t think about that sort of thing. I’ve had similar concerns seeking therapy and that came straight from my therapist’s mouth, so)

If you do seek help for it, I can warn you right now that it’s going to be a mixed bag of emotions. Yes, it’s a relief, to have a name and reason for why you/your brain does X, but at the same time? I had a cry session last night because if the diagnosis is correct, then-- I’ve been fighting it for twenty-plus years. Twenty years where my potential has been throttled by a condition I wasn’t aware of. Twenty years I’ll never get back.

 And that’s heartbreaking.

The one thing about my appointment with the neurologist that sticks in my craw is something he asked me towards the end as we were wrapping up. He asked me “Why did you wait so long to get help?”

He meant it good-naturedly, and I was still reeling and dealing with the anxiety of everything suddenly happening quickly, so I didn’t claw his eyes out right then and there. But it still rankles even now. 

I’m sorry, how in the world was I supposed to know that my wandering brain and hyperfixation on writing and skating (the only two activities in my life I can focus on with zero distraction), wasn’t NORMAL? My doctor asks for my weight every goddamn visit but at no point has she ever asked me how my focus is. No one ever asked me how many times I need to go back to my apartment in the morning to get the keys/sunglasses/breakfast I keep forgetting. 

No one ever asked me how many times a week I forget my wallet in my other bag. Until my visit yesterday, no one ever asked me how often I talk over someone before they’re finished speaking, or finish their sentences for them. No one ever asked whether I fidget in meetings or if I can hold a goddamn conversation without my brain spooling out to think about that one story/movie/figure skating program/”if I have my protein bar early and skip the late session at the rink I can go to that one place I like for dinner tonight I think I’ll get the fish”.

So, someone please tell me how I was supposed to recognize any of this as not normal.

Long story short, here’s my takeaway: If you are struggling with anything that impairs your ability to function on a basic level, you deserve to seek treatment. If you read something online about a condition that rings true to you and your experience, you have every right to mention it to your doctor.

You deserve to live at your full potential.

[gvaf-radio-blog]

I was laying in bed trying to not think about the rejection when the crying fit started, normally it goes away after a bit but this welled up and I felt an emotion like onto a rage induced tornado surging through me and I pounded the floor screaming like I lost a limb to a bear trap and started to pray to God, keep in mind I am a Satanist, to either help me find a way to get the love of my life back or to give me the means to end my life.  Satan was very understanding but reminded me to call them first next time since Satan never told me I was damned for being born pansexual and they did turn me on to better fashion and literature, sorry Satan.

It had been going on like this for the better part of July and there were several things going on in my life at the time one of those was a firm belief that I had grown too old, too fat, too broken to be any use to anyone other than to make others feel better and be target practice for the Russian Cupidi who seems very intent on making others fall in love with me on the other side of the continent, little fuckers have surprisingly deep laughs I found out . There was a person I was convinced was the love of my life because they seemed to understand me, never made unreasonable demands of me ( I thought)  and to put it simply we could not be in a room alone ever. We worked well together in fact each time we would meet it ended in us kissing and tearfully saying I love you to each other  while holding each other head to head crying. Everytime I heard a slight Russian tinged laugh. We were for a short time had an almost family, an almost family is where things are just off and need adjustments. I wanted tp make us a full family badly I wanted this family to happen because these kids were at one time treated like mine own, I am a  simple and boring man except for the Cupidi and a stalker with cat ears who keeps leaving dead birds on my front stoop.  

So yes I was that fool everyone has laughed at in a heart break fueled misery that pop songs and movies lie to us and say “ AH but tis only the third act! The two distant lovers will be reunited and the love song with start after the credits”. I want to start rounding up the con artist that make a living by filling empty headed children with these notions of true love or that love conquers all and sodomize them with live lobsters.  I don’t want to violate ethically challenged people with shellfish everyday, just on those days when I have to deal with the doll eyed masses, ok so basically every day I was trying to give myself the benefit of the doubt.  The Ex had asked me if the reason I wanted to get back together was because they were a “sure thing” I told her that they were really a long shot but if I didn’t try then I couldn’t live with myself. Fast forward a few weeks and several insulting explanations later and I am now turning over all the reasons I am broken goods and that I should not rise above my station because I deserve to be alone, i’m scum, I’m why baby jesus cries and milk spoils when I walk into the room. I started taking pot shots at the local Cupidi with my compound bow but it was hard to aim with eyes full of tears and the edible kicking in finally. I don’t know how to say fuck you in Russian but I think I know the sound of the word. 

Next we find me red eyed muttering some gibberish that’s been fueled by what I would find out later to be a suspected mental illness that is only half way being treated with medication and therapy. To give you a funny and disturbing visual. After not eating or sleeping for several days  I looked like what could be described as a  cross between a fat Reinfeld and a goth George Costanza , or Meatloaf on a bad day. I give you options for your visuals, am I not merciful?

It’s now sometime between one and five A.M and I am looking up the price of the least expensive .45 handgun because I’m poor and I’ll be getting some extra money soon because I turn thirty nine in a week I do not want to be thirty nine so I start looking for american style solutions, happy fucking birthday. I chose this caliber because having some medical training and studying the wonderful world of trauma  I got to see in full detail what a self inflicted head wound looks like and what a person's life is when the bullet doesn’t take enough grey matter. I didn’t want to be alive then I sure as hell didn’t want to live as a joke character from a Garth Ennis story so I was going to get a bigger bullet .  America, fuck yeah.

so I started to make my final birthday plan and feel at peace with having my last ride of Clove’s, bourbon and a good pub hamburger then, Tchüess. BANG! Obviously I didn’t buy the gun to end my misery and embarrassment as my brain was telling me I needed, because instead my brain going into OH FUCK mode was throwing everything it had at me to save the ship. Then it hit pay dirt. I rediscovered a natural emotional energy that put my mind into a laser focus clearing the fog and lies away  just enough to stop my self destruction and restart the rebuilding I began in the winter. The emotional energy that saved me from turning my head into goo goes by the name of pure fucking spite.

I realized that my idiocy levels had reached a critical mass when the Cupidi in hazmat suits who seem to be , in Russian , bitching about extracting me to go get recharged . They came down to take me back to a containment unit that will refill my cynicism back to optimal and lethal fuck off capacity. After my IV of coffee and Monster™ grape was removed I was set loose again into the wilds of Southeast Portland to reconnect my brain with seething hatred that I somehow misplaced my hatred during the heartache attack between Southeast Division and Southeast Clinton street where I  was bludgeoned with a baseball bat by the woman who was wearing cat ears. I was on a time limit because I had to do this quickly and retract my steps before my appointment with a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner at two P.M later that day. I managed to find my hatred , my senses and a new found desire to attack any human with those fucking anime cat ears on their head and entered the office and was treated like a human being not a Cro Magnon sociopath who might try  to kill people on the train, it was a nice change of pace honestly.

We talked about my past trauma and some of the diagnosis that where off base and some that came close to the mark but the main thing we talked about was the depression, the depression that had me looking for a gun as a treatment plan. This Nurse Practitioner pinpointed everything that I had to hide from others or train myself not to do in less than thirty minutes, Let me give you a bit of perspective. 

Most of the mental health professionals I worked with in the past used a method I call flow chart counseling, example:

Therapist sees me walk into the door, therapist will ask if I drink if yes how many drinks in a week, if no move on to the next question. Therapist: Mister Cromag do you drink?

Me: yeah, I like a good beer, or wine I take a shinning to good bourbons as well.

“Therapist now flows to follow up questions”

Therapist: How many drinks per week?

Me: Well, I like to have a drink that pairs with my dinner and some weekends I’ll have a bit more during games or socialization depending on who’s around.

“Therapist now moves down to alcoholism”

Therapist: how long have you been an alcoholic?

Me: I’m sorry what?

Therapist: You binge drink Mister Cromag, more than four drinks per week means substance abuse.

Me: No it means I like the taste of a stout. “Moves down the chart to denial”

Therapist: We need to find you an addiction specialist.

Me: You think my drinking is bad, wait until I tell you about my porn collection.

After that exchange I was referred to a physical therapist to help with carpal tunnel and after a traumatized therapist had to call security all while frantically  trying to find a flowchart for the psychotically horny they made a suggestion about me having an Oedipus complex.

So you now see what I mean, a lot of professionals never got to the heart of it and there are other stories where I’ve had the professionals all but sneer at me when my symptoms are presented. So this Nurse Practitioner was a nice change of pace and with the discussion about my issues, what I thought I might have been dealing with  (sometimes people see that I do have some form of intelligence and not just hit thing with club real hard unga bunga) we then worked out what medication I needed to treat  the thing I was dreading, being diagnosed with  Bipolar 1.

Bipolar and ADHD share many of the same characteristics and as I’ve learned if you have one the other is more than likely there it just needs to be screened for. Bipolar is also a hereditary form of mental illness which makes it a bit unique where others are mostly trauma induced but Bipolar just kinda waits for something to happen and when nothing does it creates its own fun. To add to this good time Bipolar  is classified as a “mood disorder”  your highs are hyperactive boarderlining and often going into a full true manic state of mind and body, not nearly as fun as it sounds. Then the lows are soul crushing affairs that amplify the depression and then takes the lies you brain tells you and creates a story based on people around you, your fears, past trauma and then makes you this poisoned lullaby cake that tastes like candy feels like medicine until you fall to your knees paralyzed and the fangs sink into your back and you see too late what is having you for dinner tonight.

So that’s a quick and blurry on Bipolar 2, I have Bipolar 1 which means I get all of that plus the added fun of hallucinations, and not the type Terrence Mckenna taught us about. These are things that just manifest as if they are real life like if you were in a  film and it was edited without  warning and in this new situation  you now have to improvise a reality, any  reality, this is why I take *drugs prescribed and other. The other issue is that it feels like my memories get remixed and things that happened now have a new twist, a paranoid hurtful twist.  Good example of this is when I was making a terminal wishlist and believed that there were people who truly wanted me to die because I interpreted their actions as malicious. Another example is I was walking home to the apartments  around ten or twelve years ago, I was walking home at the time with groceries and when I got through the front door there was construction going on at the apartment above me. I sleep days and at best i’ll get four hours due to shit employer, new born child, a girlfriend that was Sybil the next generation who completely refused to get treatment because she was a psych major and thought she was the heroin to overcome all odds  in a lifetime movie.  So on top of this my mental illness is not in check, no insurance and if I mention medication at work I could get fired. 

 I wish this was a part I made up  but I mentioned I was on antidepressants at one time and they removed me from two positions back to entry level until I got clean off celexa, Not allowed to do the fun drugs and then punished for using the boring ones no idea why I stayed there for eight and a half years. 

Back to the construction, I get home try to put my groceries away and one of the workers says he needs to do something in the bedroom I tell him to get bent , he calls me a fat fuck and I proceed to beat him bloody! Except it never happened, I woke up beating my fist bloody onto the tiled floor of the kitchen where I had started to put away my groceries until I jumped into this other reality, I’m just happy the kid wasn’t home because it might have scared her and made her cry and knowing I made her cry hurts the worst, I would have attempted that second suicide earlier. This freaked me out I’ve never had an hallucination like this I was scared, when I told then girlfriend hoping to get support or at least pointed in the direction on where to look she labeled me a schitzophrentic started talking to me as if I was going to flip out  and that I was even more dangerous.  I let that turn around in my head for years thinking that this was the linchpin to me being broken and with the way she talked to me I believed I didn’t deserve help. This was one of the main reasons I had to kill myself after she took my daughter away.

Like a few million other miserable , confused people out there I didn’t know a blessed thing about what was happening, I remembered the mental abuse and emotional abuse from the church, and some had argued physical and neglectful abuse I recieved at the hands of my family or my mother’s husbands who told my mother to no provide for me but instead buy him a new toy car. My step sister who somehow hates the knot headed reprobate more than I do stole his precious camaro and rear ended a Semi. After learning she was ok I fell on the floor laughing because all I could think about was this NASCAR addicted stunted man child calling his mommy to whine about a broken toy, to add to this mental image he was wearing a blue jean diaper and clutching a plush Richard Petty teddy bear.

There’s more but I don’t feel the need to talk about school bus drivers and me losing memory of one full  year of my life, bullying at the hands of adults and children alike. I feel like that would be redundant and unfortunately all too common a story I’ve heard from so many people in my life, friends, lovers , coworkers the fucking homeless people who talk with me after I give them beer money. Leaving some of the genetic issues aside you bastards need to understand how wide spread some of these traumas are for fuck sake my motley of misfits are all walking trauma case studies and instead of getting help YOU people ridiculed them, or gave them the greatest useless sentence in the english language which is :

 “Just get over it.”

Do you know what I would like to see? I want to see all of us survivors roaming the streets like that piss poor movie they claimed was a horror movie the Purge and with a list not unlike the list owned by the man that comes around Johnny Cash sang about during his song of the rapture, and I see men, women, and nonbinary people going to the address of those passive aggressive twits and beating them within an inch of their life, then carving into their chest (backwards) “get over it” then we move on to the homes of the rapists and tell them “you asked for this” before destroying their cocks with battery acid. The screams in the night would be glorious with the bats acting like percussion and the screams keyboard swells it would be like Front 242 unplugged. Maybe then the sniveling pretentious nra members out there will learn a bit. At best, it would be fair warning not to be passive aggressive asshole and learn a bit of compassion and mindfulness or to just get their heads out of their ass about battles they know nothing about if they want to avoid severe head trauma that one can not just simply get over. 

Living with mental illness is not easy at any level whether a small bit of depression after a breakup or full blown PTSD after a brutal rape that leaves one unable to leave their house. Whomever has these afflictions are the ones suffering and your feelings of inconvenience or fear  of those sufferers need to be thrown into the Willamette river, I would say you need to follow suit  but there’s enough garbage in this river you can fuck off into a trash compactor.

Living is the hardest thing I do but I keep finding ways to stop the thoughts from taking over and I will and have done whatever it took to not die and sometimes the only way I was able to beat the mental illness was being bat shit insane. Some people think I’m a drug addict, others just think I need to talk to my old invisible friend, a few well meaning souls have suggested psychedelics and these people are pure and I will castrate any who try and stop them from their holy work from the almighty Bob. what I do need is to find that bitch with the **baseball bat and introduce them to a proper bonfire that I’m going to roast one of those little commie Cupidi on, oh yes I want my revenge for St Louis. 

*the drugs in question are cannabis for the most part, when I’m spinning hard it helps tune me down and when the depression hits it shuts up the thoughts that plague me. Not a cure all nor is it a replacement for proper medication and therapy. I like to think of it a supplemental medicine that has the added effect of making Tool sound even more epic and letting me sleep peacefully. 

** all wildy violent, funny and or cartoonish descriptions written about are there to be funny and entertaining no Cupidi do not exist and the Cat ear person does but the assault was less bloody and didn’t involve a bat  but it was far more traumatizing.

#gvaf #bourbonsexual #mental illness #suicide #abuse #Gonzo Journalism

[lesbeet]

long post ahead

ive been thinking nonstop about the possibility of me having adhd since my sister and her boyfriend brought it up to me last week (i’m FINALLY seeing my therapist today so we can talk about it) and i’ve been doing a lot of research and i found the howtoadhd channel on youtube

and literally the number of times in the past 2 hours alone that i’ve teared up or started legitimately crying because of how much i relate to things that these videos are saying is ridiculous, like some of them are word-for-word things i’ve said that i had NO inkling of an idea could be related to adhd

like this one video of this guy who was diagnosed at 43 and said that prior to his diagnosis he had just accepted that he would feel dissatisfied for his whole life, that he would never feel content, i’ve been saying that for YEARS and just was resigned to it and chalked it up solely to my depression

and just like. having been able to do well in school as a kid but constantly being told that i’m “not living up to [my] potential” and now that i’m in my early 20s and my intelligence can’t compensate for like....not being able to regulate my emotions and not being able to organize my life and not being able to motivate myself to do things, which is supposedly why a number of people get diagnosed around this time, because metrics for success are different in adulthood (you can’t just take a test and rely on being smart to compensate for all the other problems), and i was always just. thinking that i fucked up and wasted my life through laziness or whatever the case may be

i’ve always considered myself to be “crafty” and “resourceful” in the sense that i may not go about doing things in the typical way but i can almost always find a way to accomplish what i need accomplished, even if it’s unconventional -- apparently that’s common with adhd too! like i’ll say “oh i couldn’t figure out how to do [x] so i did [y and z]” and someone will be like “why didn’t you just do [thing everyone else does]” and usually i either couldn’t figure out how, or it didn’t occur to me, and my way was weird and unconventional, but it worked for me!

and then of course i’m just recognizing all these signs that have always been there that i either didn’t notice or attributed to other things -- i’ve been trying to observe the way my attention functions this week and literally i space out and miss things SO much more often than i ever realized, like i miss so much information because i’ve drifted off. or i get really stuck on things in conversations and even after everyone else has moved on i have this urge to bring it back so i can say that last thing i’ve been rehearsing over and over for the past 5 minutes so i didn’t forget it, and now it’s in my head and everyone is talking about something else and it’s SO inconsequential but i have to forcibly drag myself away from whatever the thing is (yesterday my sister and her friend and i were talking about early 2000′s fashion and i wanted to make a comment about wearing ugly scarves as belts and they saw a dog and moved on to talking about cute things our dogs have done and i just couldn’t stop thinking about the scarves as belts thing for like 10 minutes until i just had to sigh and be like...well i can’t bring that up again now)

when i was younger i would rush through tests so i could go back to whatever book i was reading and i just thought it was a silly quirk like “oh i just like to read lol” but i realized i still do similar things -- if i’m reading a book or watching a show or working on something, THAT is what i’m doing. anything else, whether it’s work or sleep or eating or hanging out with a friend or fulfilling any sort of responsibility? that’s a break from the thing i’m doing. if i’m reading a book, even if it’s the 3rd time i’m rereading harry potter for the year, for example, then in my head, i’m reading harry potter. i have to go to work all day but then i can read harry potter. all i’m doing is thinking about reading harry potter. i rush through my responsibilities so i can go BACK to reading harry potter, because that’s what i’m doing and anything else is just taking a break from reading harry potter. (you see how this can negatively affect the accomplishment/fulfillment of important tasks and responsibilities)

and my sister has pointed out things that i didn’t really notice, like she said it’s really difficult to hold a conversation with me when i’m excited about something because i can’t calm down enough to let the other person talk. and i’ve always known that i tend to finish peoples’ sentences for them during conversations, which i always thought was a way of showing that i’m listening! but ive realized it’s actually that, if i already know what you’re going to say, and you’re saying it too slowly, i get impatient and i need to blurt out the rest for you so we can move on and i can say my next thing before i forget it

and like obviously all people experience some symptoms some of the time, daydreaming isn’t exclusive to adhd, neither is walking into a room and forgetting what you’re doing there. but this week as i’ve been paying attention, i notice i do it CONSTANTLY. the other night i opened up my phone before bed because i remembered i hadn’t set my alarm, so i picked it up from where i place it for the night (i was about to go to sleep). 15 minutes later i put my phone back down and decided to turn in for the night again, and then realized i still had never turned the alarm on because i got distracted and did other stuff. and things like that happen with almost comical regularity, now that i know to look for it.

i’ve known i have executive dysfunction issues for a long time so i won’t go into those, but like we’ve known i have problems with directions and organization and spatial processing and knowing how to complete tasks for a long time

the rejection-sensitive dysphoria is something i didn’t really realize was part of adhd, but it makes SO much sense. i think it’s part of why i thought i had bpd for a while, because a lot of the symptoms were similar and i knew i was dealing with something more than just depression and anxiety but didn’t know what, and a lot of the symptoms i experienced also seemed to fit the bpd diagnosis even if my actual behavior and personality didn’t seem to

there are so many more things i’ve noticed this week and thought about differently but i literally can’t remember what they are lmao i think i’m gonna try to write stuff down so i don’t forget to tell my therapist today but like. 

so many of these things i didn’t realize had anything to do with adhd, like emotional dysregulation, i’ve always known i have horrible mood swings and trouble regulating my emotions, i’ve always noticed a lot of these different symptoms but it never occurred to me that they could all be part of the same thing??

like i haven’t been tested or diagnosed yet and i’m worried i’m getting carried away but the only time i’ve ever felt this sort of relief was a few months ago when realizing my dad is a narcissist. like the feeling of “oh my god, i knew this was something i experienced but i didn’t think i could attribute it to anything” and “oh my god, this is word for word something i say all the time, i didn’t realize it was part of a pattern”

and it genuinely made me cry! hearing people talk about things that describe me that i never would have guessed might have to do with adhd, finding something that seems to encompass a very broad range of symptoms that i previously thought were unrelated or results of a myriad of things (and obviously they all play off of one another but that’s a whole separate issue)

but it would explain so much of my behavior and challenges -- why i struggle with finishing up a task or project once the big, complicated part is done; why i get super obsessed with something and then once it wears off i never mention or think about it again; why i’ve always needed my mom’s help to clean my closet or pack for a trip, even though i felt like i was way too old to need help with that; why people constantly are like “i know you heard me say this because you said ‘ok’” about things i genuinely have no recollection of

but i just can’t stop thinking about that guy talking about how he was just resigned to thinking he would never been satisfied or content with his life because that is something i have been feeling and saying FOREVER, for years ive just been like “everything is so hard, the idea of spending the rest of my life struggling to get up in the morning and going to work every day, dealing with all my responsibilities, i feel like i’m exhausted and underwater just thinking about it, i’m never going to feel fulfilled or satisfied, it’s always just going to be slogging through my responsibilities and it’s never going to end” and apparently that’s....a normal thing, and i just thought it was depression and maybe part of it is, but maybe the reason i struggle so much with those every day things is because my brain is wired differently?

and maybe i’ve fucked up because at this point i think i’ll be really disappointed if i don’t get the diagnosis because i’m not really sure what else could explain these issues, it certainly makes sense and i feel like it fits and i feel relieved just thinking about having that answer, and it certainly negatively impacts almost every aspect (if not every aspect) of my life. so like if i don’t get diagnosed idk what i’m gonna do and i probably fucked up by spending the last week obsessing over it lol

but like....the relief i feel every time i read or hear or see someone with adhd say “i experience [x]” and i’m like holy shit??? me too???? and it just. feels like maybe there’s an explanation for all this horrible dissatisfaction and unhappiness i thought i was going to be stuck with for the rest of my life, and there are other people who experience these things and there are things that can be done, medication and therapy and strategies and...my whole life doesn’t NEED to feel like a challenge, maybe it’s not an indisputable fact that i’m just going to have to live with forever.

if you read this far and you have adhd (especially if you were diagnosed after childhood) i would love to hear your thoughts on this, obviously i didn’t list every single symptom and experience and i know there are more but these are all i could think of at the moment, if i seem like i’m way off base obviously please let me know

#me.txt #adhd #long post // #honestly if you read this whole thing....thank you #also don't rb obviously #adhd tag

[artgirllullaby]

The truth below this... “me”

So another year huh? And all I did was… mostly be absent.

Come on, I think by this point every single one out there who follow me noticed, either you’re close, far, if you follow for my work, fanfics, or whatever, you saw that last year I did pretty much… nothing.

That comes partially from procrastination, I won’t lie, but… There’s a whole lot that was happening that I kept out to very few, and when I say this I mean that even my parents, brothers and best friends didn’t know some stuff. Only recently I got better to get in contact and talk it out to them and say all the good and the horrible that had been on my mind.

And while I know most want to share the good that happened in 2018, I need to say it wasn’t that good year for me, and to get it out, I want to say it all out and be honest. Then I know there’s nothing I need to hide or be scared of sharing because… if there’s to be known, it’s just to click to read.

That’s why I’m writing this. And because of of the stuff here is very sensible and can be triggering to some, I’m putting on the below. So… avoid the triggers by reading the tags if you have any of them, and if you do but still wish to know how I am, feel free to contact me, ok? I assure things are better now, but if you need a bit more of ease, I don’t mind doing so.

If you decide not to read, just know It’s been a very hard thing on me, but I’m getting better and I’m taking care and getting help and trying my best to keep my hopes and myself up. I’m thankful you cared to read this and I understand if you can’t read any further because of the tags. Thank for considering yourself too and not taking a hit “for my sake”, it makes me actually happy that you consider putting yourself in the position to know where your limits are and to know you can’t go further. Proud of you, little one. If you feel like, don’t think twice before hitting my ask or inbox, ok? Hugs, thanks for being here still.

#personal #me #lullytalks #venting #anxiety #depression #stress #mentalinstability #TW #twseflharming #twsuicide #twanxiety #twdepression #twstress #twgad #twdd #triggering #Triggerwarning

For you who decided to click the button to continue reading anyway, Please remember I’m writing this at once and also that you’re free to stop at any signals of discomfort, unease or triggers. Thank you for taking time to read this anyways.

2018 had been many things, it had been fun and tiring and stressful, and even enjoyable for a bit. But as many other stuff in life, when silence keeps to long it can be taken as a bad omen to bad happenings.

If you ever played Jenga, then you know how it works; if you don’t, it’s basically taking a piece on the base and putting on top and hoping that it doesn’t break down in your turn. Which in the game is fun because you have to think over your decision to what piece to move and not move the tower and the pressure you have makes it fun… In real life? makes you wonder “why one takes the weight in the base of a structure to move to the top if that overweights the top which will obviously make the project/structure fail because the base cannot hold that weight and so it will go down eventually?!”

And well, that was my in 2018, a whole big game of Jenga in which my life are the pieces, and people around me are players as me and the game is ok to everyone but me.

Some of you know, I had a co-worker who had been basically unbearable to work with from the moment she found herself pregnant, and by the law the company can’t fire her until her baby is born and a bit older (around 6-7 months older she gets the licensed and secured), and so after her time secured was over the company did fire her because of her behaviour borderline toxic/abusive toward others. Things finally where getting a bit better with the substitute and things going better in company.

I had been having difficulties with my mother, who has becoming more controlling and hovering over me. If wasn’t enough our communication that was bad begins to go to ruin to worse, rotting to the point I’m back to when I was 15 and I saw her as a stranger. I try to change and get closer. Here is the funny thing about relationships, if doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, a lover, your soulmate, your husband, your sister, your parent, your cousin, your godmother, your father-in-law or whatever that person means to you, as an universal law, it takes both parts and effort to make it work and flow.

And there I was, trying to arrange something we do, we try to speak, to voice out things that hurt and annoys me for us to change for better, because that’s how it should work. One speaks, the other listen, then it’s their turn and so after both saying their sides they try to come in a middle term or a point they can agree on to live better and no one is bitter over the matter.

But that was not what happens. Mom takes the cards I lay on the table and use against me, she takes things on the past against me, she flips the table and now she’s being accused and she’s the victim and I’m the one who’s blind to see how hard she tries to make us all happy and ungrateful, on how I keep pulling distance and I stop talking and avoid talking. I’m the one who doesn’t know she gave up her college, to work and make an career on her own, that father comes tired and deserves to rest for working hard everyday to never miss anything at home, and that she has to bare my sister OCD and ADHD while I’m not there, that she has to keep the house well and do everything… And so, yet again, my voice is cut. I lose courage, my anxiety rises, and I’m afraid of saying anything to anyone, I’m afraid to be a burden, to bother anyone.

I laid on bed that night in silence as I stare at the blank wall and listen to whatever music is on my playlist. Because I know, I fucking know how much their lives could be different for a number of factors, one of them being the fact if I wasn’t born on the worst timing as I did, I know in numbers how much that could have changed, even if my father makes sure to assure me it’s nothing he regrets or I did wrong, I know it wasn’t planned and I know too, it could have changed everything.

Piece moved by mother, my turn is skipped. The player can’t play with shaking hands.

The temporary at work was dismissed, not because someone was finally contracted, but because the boss thought we could do without it. Now, how a company survive without it finances department? Yep, it doesn’t. So they pick someone they think they can reply on to do the job, and then guess what? There I am. Working with numbers and money and it’s stressing more and more since I really didn’t applied for this and it does make me nervous. Then I find a list of mistakes the temporary left and I have to fix, plus more work… and meanwhile I am doing that, my own work papers are there waiting in my table just piling up to the moment I finish up and go do them. Which makes me more stressed, because as long I take to do them, the rest of office needs to wait to keep the workflow. So there I am, working for two, being paid for one, getting some extra hours, and getting exhausted.

My boss moves another piece.

Therapist notice I’m getting more stressed, and things had been getting me easier and some triggers are getting back. I’m getting more and more unstable. She makes some tests and takes another look on my whole history with her on the last 2 years, she also takes a look on my medication and notice there was a change for a higher dose, and now it’s twice a day. She’s worried, she tell my parents to show up and talks to my father (cause mother didn’t show up - a piece of my Jenga went missing), only after a few more sessions she gives me a diagnosis: GAD, aka Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I’m not progressing in my treatment, in fact, with everything going on with me, I got worse and instead of moving to eventually not need therapy, I need the sessions now more than ever.

My mind moves a base piece, the tower balance a bit.

Things continue going on, everyday begins to be harder and I find myself more tired. Sometimes I get home from work and just take a bath and sleep. I’m missing my appetite, I’m slowly cutting ties with friends and stop talking to them or most of them and taking distance without anyone noticing. I hardly access social media for exceptional to check a thing around here or there. I begin to get anxiety when I try to write once again and begin to be ashamed on myself and my cycle of self-punishment for not being able to write any longer or often, nor I have courage to say anyone besides the therapist all that’s going on.

Even so I try to make an apology and explain at least the part that because I’m working by two and being too stressed and tried is sadly taking out on my creativity, many agree and support and decide to give me the space am I thankful for… Still the two people I considered dearly as readers hurt deeply as I come to known their true meaning. That they already disliked the story on the point it is, that I should have just put as finished and given up and stop writing, and then suddenly other people who I didn’t even know begin to say things on the back and… I just wonder what happened to the respect and honesty I had asked from the beginning. To see so much hate suddenly going out of nowhere was surely discouraging, and on the state I was, I was not only discouraged as I was intimidated to even think on continuing.

Next thing I know is that just as my originals, I am unable to open any of my fanfictions and work on them. I shake, I break down on tears, I get too nervous, I’m unable to concentrate, I begin to question if they were right and if everyone else was just sorry of pitying on me or if they just played along. Then all the files stay in there with the originals, blocked in my unstable mind unable to product anything worthy.

Unknown people move some pieces, the tower shakes.

...

A week can be such a long period of time for some things, and a short for another and sometimes, for the very same reasons. To be fair I still don’t know to say if was a quick or a slow week since there are blanks in my memory and I just have the impact ones. But one thing I can tell for sure, it was a hell of a week.

Monday begins with my mother waking me up and hurrying up to get ready, she still doesn't notice that I’m not well. I try my best to get ready fast as I can, I take my purse to get in the car and get a ride to go to therapy and then go work. I open the door, she already took the car out and look at me; I just have to climb and it will be fine.

She look to me, than take a turn and accelerates the car, so there’s no time for me to catch up. And I am left there with my hand on the door looking on the empty place where I could have climbed the car just by few seconds, but she couldn’t wait because her class was more important than my therapy session. Because her appointment was more important than me in that moment there.

Another piece goes missing.

I’m taken by such sudden sadness and hurt that I wasn’t able to stand or breathe, I stay in the couch for a bit, my sister offer to take me to the therapist in her way to college, I just shake my head. I find out I got no voice, not even strength to talk or even look at her, but she shrugs and go. I somehow make to the bed and lay in there, sleeping. It’s the first time in 3 years I miss a day of work - I didn’t miss even when got sick -, I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t eat, I don’t have water, I don’t go out the bed, I just stay in there and sleep or stare at the blank wall trying to understand what is the feeling inside me. My therapist text me and I lie saying I had a problem, but will show up later in the week.

The next event is after I am able to speak better again, which I’m not sure if was next afternoon or two days. I walk into my therapist office and then find out my health insurance decided to cut the therapy sessions I still had, they want the word of any other doctor saying I do need the therapy and I need to do that in every 3 months or they won’t allow me to continue my treatment. I try to argue with them and reason that I wouldn’t be going if wasn’t necessary, still they say it’s a new rule to everyone so no exceptions. I can’t go to therapy, nor my therapist can treat me out her office, to pay each session it’s out my reach and I already pay for health insurance that should and does cover my treatment, so these rules make absolutely no sense… All I know is that I need my other endocrinologist to give me permission to get treatment, even if there’s nothing to do with her, and the appointment I have is a month away.

Health takes a piece. The tower starts shifting.

I make a huge mistake at work. Because my head isn’t in place I misunderstand the information I am given and end up messing up part of the payment I needed to do. I paid the wrong provider, the other one who does need the payment is stuck and now the central need to find a way to locate the other guy because until the right provider gets the payment he are getting behind track. I get stuck the whole day stuck between fixing my mistake, calming the provider and having to listen silently my boss calling me angrily for a solution.

Work moves a piece. The tower is barely standing.

It takes the next day to put my paperwork in order. the problem of paying the wrong provider still on going, but seems on a way to solution, so I could take a bit of time to focus on getting the work flowing and laughing in a way to avoiding to cry.

Last day of the week, so I can take a bit of rest, I just need hang in there a little bit. Just a few more hours and I could be home so another piece could go missing.

As we get home, my mother gets out. She starts arguing with me and father, ordering we don’t even leave the car, cause my sister needs assistance. I immediately think of the worst as she just is learning to drive and than my father replies it’s not that big deal the car failed her. I am between angry and confused, angry for worrying for a minute that it was something dangerous, confused to why my mother is making such a fuss over the car simply failing on my sister trying to turn it on and making such a fuss on having my father go there.

Things begin to scalates as she raises her voice and begins to argue with him and she tries to calm her, only making her angrier and then threatening to make a scandal and break the car window if he didn’t go. And then changing her mind to do it if he didn’t get out and let her go alone and get out the car.

Neighbors were already starting to look, I was the only in home by them aside the two, tired, getting triggered by all the stress and situation, anxious and then… something snapped.

The tower fell down as I touched to move a piece.

Somehow I took my mother hand and said determined enough for her to get in the car that they both should go. That I wanted them out the house, out of my reach and out the house. She listened by some miracle and I got inside breaking down right after before blanking out.

August 13rd, 2018. I probably won’t ever forget this date. It was a friday, I can remember clearly because it I just had laughed on the irony that it was a friday 13rd and it was being so bad on me at work. It was night and the dog was around me as if he sensed something was wrong… or he just wanted to go for a walk.

Things are blank, as if for the moment I broke down I wasn’t really there, like wasn’t me in my body, or taking control, or too shocked and overwhelmed to notice anything and just let it move and do whatever my brain decided it was best to.

Now that I used Jenga example I find it as a perfect example to explain that blank moment. It’s the moment a player found themselves holding or just after placing the piece and everything comes tumbling down, there’s a paralyzing moment that everyone around stay still in shock watching the tower fall in a mix of wonder and confusion to move only after all the pieces stopped to fall, then you and others try to evaluate how it failed the strategy before picking the pieces around to put the Jenga together again for another round.

That was that blank moment, the moment of wonder and confusion, of complete loss in which I lose myself and the control to the point I don’t even remember how things happened exactly.

All I know is that suddenly I had a knife on my hand and was standing on my kitchen and looking on my other arm.

;

I took one breath, I had went to the kitchen and started to something to relief myself. I took a second breath, I decided to hurt myself because the punishment of all my wrongs seemed like a way to relief back then. I took a third breath, I was just about to cut myself; I don’t know if would be a deep cut on my wrist, arms, lightly or whatever, but definitely wasn’t a good thing that I was up to take hurting myself to that point, and worse, to have no idea on how far I would have gone if I just suddenly get back into my senses in that seconds. I took another breath, I put the knife back in the drawer and close it.

I start to cry again, but for another reason.

Because it had been 10 years. Ten fucking years I had celebrated and considered successful just to find it this demon back again on me. I’m not just depressed and anxious as I thought. I’m back to when I was 15, in this very same kitchen when I sat in the table with a knife on a hand and a bunch of mixed medicines on the other side as I watched the clock and decided when I would put the end.

I’m suicidal again.

;

It’s enough, and I’m done. I just… couldn’t. I put myself on bed, in a way of self-grounding, I decide I will not leave the bed for the next days or talk to anyone unless necessary. And I did well, because I seriously had no idea what I would be able to do if I left that bed in the state I was.

Only in the third day I speak to my closest friends about it all and get some relief, I listen to music to try keep my heart from failing me. I am unable to be back on me again for months, I get back on therapy. I get diagnosis that my depression got in the stage of Deep Depression and at this point, my therapist alone isn’t able to do much alone. I’m somewhere between trying to recover and accepting things are just as they are. She recommends me to get assistance in a group with my family and send to my father, I decide to give a try even if not giving much hope.

My father doesn’t receive the message. Therapist mistook for my mother number and sent to her, my mother dismiss the message and says it’s no big deal and I should not mind about it. I feel hurt she dismissed so easily without talking or even looking up to it, but on the other side I’m also accepting the fact she doesn’t take me as her daughter anymore. And little by little I realize that’s not just something from my mind, as she doesn’t talk that much with me, but with a friend she has with my age and often tries and offer help to her, and then there’s me there. I set in my mind I need to leave home so she can take the daughter she wants to adopt in, and because I need my own air.

My father realizes I’m not well and that my relationship with mother is going from bad to worse to even breaking. He tries to help, my therapist call her in once again to try warn her and tell her. She avoids and miss the meet ups just like a thief runs from the police, and I decide that if she’s not even trying at all, then I won’t either.

My medicine changes to twice a day, I’m still bad, but with therapy back I’m getting a bit better by the days. I decide to travel alone in my vacation to somewhere new and where I know no one and no one knows me.

So I find myself in Curitiba in December.

The city is pretty and with gentle people with smiles and colors around, or so I’ve seen. Maybe it was the feeling that I had space for myself, that I could take a breath and not worry about it. Which also led myself to taking a walk in the grass.

Bad things happened still, true, but to be sincerely? The worst has passed for now, other still to come and, it’s ok in a way. I’ll fall down and cry and be on the ground for a while as I need, and then take my time to recover and look up and be able to talk about too.

So it may had been I took a blind eye to the world and to the rest of you, but the truth is that I don’t. But it’s hard to discuss when there’s too much pain and hurt inside you. and as much it was egoist of me to focus on myself and turn my back to the world, sometimes is necessary. and I learned that now, sometimes it is necessary to be egoist in reason to get better and it’s ok, as long you do get better and know where are your principles.

Taking the trip made me realize that. It also make me realize that taking a time away for yourself, taking a bit to breathe is ok. That my absence in order to not hurt anyone else might have been a void, but was a void necessary for me. I needed to relearn that taking a time to walk on the grass, to look in the sky, take a breath, to look around and take a moment in life… to do any of that wouldn’t destroy the world or anyone else.

The world wouldn’t end because I needed a break. No one would die because I wasn’t able to finish or accomplish something as I wish, just as no one died so far. the one one who has been dying with all this it had been me, killing myself slowly inside out.

Now I do realize that. I’m still far from recovering, I do realize that and know very well, I still have depression episodes and anxiety attacks often, I’m still on a long way to say I’m alright. Maybe I’m never gonna be 100% fine or sane per say, maybe some part of me will always have anxiety and depression because of my brain or whatever but… I hope in that in my lowest moments I am able to look at this moment where Lullaby wrote this about the real me and I can remember to step down a bit.

I’m 25 now, I celebrated 10 years over giving up on suicide when I was 15, and after that… even if I still have suicidal traces for now and dealing with them, and even if I had a recent episode… I guess I can celebrate and count over again, so in ten year I can celebrate 2 times, right? This may be stupid and sound optimist but really… It’s just me trying to take the needle of good in the pile of garbage this all had been. Doesn’t erase the garbage and all it had been, just... trying to desperately find a little thing useful so I can say it wasn’t all Hell and throw it away like I did with my teenage years.

So this is it. I was absent and I’m recovering, right now I’m trying to get on track of writing and reading again. I am 25, diagnosed with Deep Depression, GAD, I have to take medicine to keep in control. I have to change jobs and hope to do soon. I try as much to listen and comfort everyone and make laughs because the last I want if to anyone else to feel the way I do.

And with that being said, I can breathe out and finally put the last year as it is: the past.

As I always say, let’s prepare for the bad and always hope for the best, and onwards to 2019. :)

#personal #me #lullytalks #venting #anxiety #depression #stress #mentalinstability #TW #twseflharming #twsuicide #twsuicidal #tw: suidice #tw: suicidal thoughs #twanxiety #twdepression #triggering #triggerwarning #triger warning

[tumblunni]

I have a question that I hope is ok. I have had a suspicion that I might have some form of autism for quite a while now and when you reblog posts that say something along the line of just autism things like the one you just did I have to do a double take because I do all of those things + have them happen to me and am shocked when I see I'm not the only one who does these things especially the really abstract. I don't ever bring it up though in fear that people get upset that I'm "faking"

Oh man, mystery person, that’s pretty heavy!! I know the feeling, it took me a LONG time of self-examination to work out whether I might have autism, and I actually did have to deal with a less-than-optimal response when I tried to talk to someone about it. My doctor outright said ‘but you seem too smart for that’, like.. what the fuck?? So seriously, you need to be prepared to be PERSISTANT. Don’t lose confidence in your decision! Make sure you get to see an actual diagnosis, don’t let them lock you out of it based on dumb stereotypes. Cos seriously, general practitioners going ‘hey this person probably doesnt have this thing that’s completely out of my division, and I wont even let them talk to that division’.. thats just.. GOD I really get frustrated and scared thinking how much more messed up my life would be right now if I’d listened to him and not ever got help for my condition!

So my advice is basically.. even if you don’t want to ‘self-diagnose’, please do ‘self-diagnose’.You need to be abnormally prepared for this, you need to have a list of all your symptoms, you need to learn the terms and have reference to point to in the event of them denying you the ability to talk to an actual psychologist. And you need to be prepared for them even treating you like you cant be autistic if you were capable of doing this!You need to hand-hold your general practitioner through explaining what autism even is, and do whatever the fuck you can so you can get transferred over to someone who actually knows who they’re talking about.Oh and common ‘self-diagnosis’ type stuff can also help a lot in the meantime, because doing research on the subject can lead you to finding new coping methods, finding other people to ask about the subject, and just generally tiding you over until you’re able to get a professional diagnosis and (hopefully) access to things like therapy and local autism community groups.Also, just, in some countries medical care is way less accessable, so I know not eveyrone is even able to get a professional diagnosis at all.

Oh, and an important thing is that autism is a spectrum and there are many different symptoms you can have. it can even be hard to discover your own symptoms, you might find that they manifest in a weird way because you’ve been subconciously trying to hide them or using some form of unhealthy coping method for years. Going undiagnosed into your adult years is really like.. one of the primary causes for autism being REALLY disabling! Dear god my stage of treatment right now is just learning to untangle a bunch of bullshit I’ve done to myself over the years, and re-learn basic life skills and self confidence. I think if i’d been born into an environment with people who actually would have recognised it and cared about getting me help as a kid, i could have grown up without most of my anxiety issues!Another important fact is that adult autism is often co-morbid with anxiety issues, due to the circumstances of being left completely alone to deal with this thing for your entire life with no support. There’s also just a lot of ways certain anxiety disorders (as well as ADHD) can have overlapping symptoms with autism spectrum disorders. A lot of the ‘that feel when’ meme stuff can be relateable to all three of these otherwise quite different disorders. So I’d reccommend looking up info on ADHD, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and related conditions too, and maybe seeing which disorder seems most similar to what you’re experiencing. And don’t be scared if it seems like you might have multiple of them! In real life being ‘all the tokens at once’ is VERY MUCH not ‘unrealistic’, man I really hate those people who’re like ‘hwaaa someone who’s black AND gay AND in a wheelchair? political correctness gone maaaad!’ Seriously, its very VERY possible to have more than one mental illness, especially ones that might have a knock-on effect causing another one. Going undiagnosed and untreated for ANYTHING can lead to developing anxiety and depression, but going undiagnosed for a social disability makes it especially likely to get specifically social anxiety.oh, and randomly for an example I happen to also have prosopagnosia, which means I can’t tell the difference between people’s faces. I literally cannot recognise my best friend if she changes her hairstyle or glasses. This is kinda Double Hell combined with autism, cos its already a challenge for me to judge people’s emotions, lol!

Oh man I’m kinda going offtopic and just rambling every damn fact I know, but I’m just hoping maybe something will be helpful??I really am not an expert on autism, I dont even know any good informative blogs to link you to. I’m just a regular person who happens to have the condition, and I don’t know how to give good advice when i’m still quite often suffering from denial and self hate myself...But I dunno, I just hope it could help to hear my personal experience, and know that you’re not alone.Though now I’m worrying maybe this post is a little intimidating so it might make you feel worse?? Seriously, this is just a worst case scenario thing, hopefully your doctor won’t be as casually gatekeepy as mine was. And I mean, he seemed like a good man who wasnt exactly rude about it and wasnt doing it on purpose. If anything that worries me more, tho, cos he was just politely saying ‘haha no you’re wrong’ to a patient, about a subject he wasnt remotely qualified in, and wouldnt have ever considered reccommending me to a professional if i hadnt kept nagging him about it and come back with a bunch of research and stuff. It felt SO damn cathartic to get that ‘YES, AUTISM’ in the end! Shame I couldnt show it to him and I probably would have had my entire healthcare cut forever if I boasted XDAlso, I was lucky that I had my charity support worker to help me through the stress of the assessment interviews. I hope you have at least one person who’d be able to be there for you and believe you, in times like these. Or, even if you’re like me and you dont’ have any family and stuff, I hope you end up meeting a surprisingly awesome governent worker lady who wears a cool hat and helps you out. Seriously, Amber, you’re a godsend!

So umm.. yeah.. i am REALLY sleep deprived and I am not good at words but i hope some of this helped?? I hope you’re okay, anon!And honestly, reading ‘lol relateable jokes’ type posts on people’s blogs was how I first started suspecting I was autistic, too. I’d grown up buried in so many stereotypes of mentally ill people, I never thought I was one of them until I actually got to read blogs from their perspective. Joke posts obviously aren’t a substitute for a diagnosis, but I think they kinda serve a valuable role in the self acceptance process, yknow? Thank you, joke posts!

#aaaaaa tired bunni is bad at helpiiiiing #if any of my followers are smarter and more informed and generally awesome then please help #anon i really hope your day goes well and you're alright #and when i get back from having a sleep i will be able to talk to you again if you need it! #A Nonny Mouse #ask

[dmsboi]

Copy pastas bitch u mad mf ugly b looking like the little ginger kid from little einstein kill urself btch ill shoot u mf ass meet me irl fuck outta here wicho dorito ass shaped head btch albino gorilla lookin ass mf ill flame u dumb spotty white pizza shaped head lookin elongated ass nose marshmallow man crusty ass mf self right here btch Wow. Okay. OKAY. OKAY. Yabba Dabba FUCK you and YABBA DABBA FUCK your shitty FUCKING memes. You are literally worth nothing to me. If I saw your FUCKING UGLY ASS FACE on the street, I'd take a big loaded shotgun to your mouth, faggot. I have always wanted to murder you, your family, your friends, and your pet goldfish since the day I was born. Brain Blast? How about I fucking blast your faggot ass brain with a shotgun. I want to fucking candy crush your face through a mother fucking wall. You are the reason why babies cry. Fuck your memes. Fuck you. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK. Try fucking saying that to be in REAL life where you aren't surrounded by a precious username and see what happens, weakling. I have guns. Many guns. Guns that I could take to your head and blow it out right now. You hear me? Good. Astounding! You have managed to expend effort creating a non-random string of characters which usually convey meaning, yet your overall comment was ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS! It is as though all of the industries of mankind were operated in reverse, with great will and endeavor being used to convert items of usefulness into worthless bare materials! you are the antithesis of all that is grand and great about mankinds capacity for thought and self-determination. You sir, are the mirror image of a meaningful entity, lower than base matter, lower than oblivion, because unlike the brutish deterministic plasma of the unreasoning cosmos, you CHOSE to be without value or worth. Or in the parlance of thine own ilk: LOL N0 UR GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!11ONE!!!!!ELEVENTY!!!!11! hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!! DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!! love and waffles, t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m Rawr x3 nuzzles how are you pounces on you you're so warm o3o notices you have a bulge o: someone's happy 😉 nuzzles your necky wecky~ murr~ hehehe rubbies your bulgy wolgy you're so big :oooo rubbies more on your bulgy wolgy it doesn't stop growing ·///· kisses you and lickies your necky daddy likies (; nuzzles wuzzles I hope daddy really likes $: wiggles butt and squirms I want to see your big daddy meat~ wiggles butt I have a little itch o3o wags tail can you please get my itch~ puts paws on your chest nyea~ its a seven inch itch rubs your chest can you help me pwease squirms pwetty pwease sad face I need to be punished runs paws down your chest and bites lip like I need to be punished really good~ paws on your bulge as I lick my lips I'm getting thirsty. I can go for some milk unbuttons your pants as my eyes glow you smell so musky :v licks shaft mmmm~ so musky drools all over your cock your daddy meat I like fondles Mr. Fuzzy Balls hehe puts snout on balls and inhales deeply oh god im so hard~ licks balls punish me daddy~ nyea~ squirms more and wiggles butt I love your musky goodness bites lip please punish me licks lips nyea~ suckles on your tip so good licks pre of your cock salty goodness~ eyes role back and goes balls deep mmmm~ moans and suckles hi every1 im new… holds up fedora. my name is bob but feel free 2 call me t3h fedora of D0oM!!!!!!! as u can see im very sophisticated and intelligent,…. that y i came to this atheist subreddit so i can meet other smart atheists -.- im 46 years old (i still act like im 10 lol) i like 2 watch jeopardy w/ my grandma (yes ive seen her naked….) we enjoy yelling "suk it trebek" at the screen.. my grandma is smart 2 but she is a jew. so i came here 2 meet new people like me (smart atheists) like they say op is a faggot lol!!!! lol ok guyz anyways plz give me lots of upboats. I LIKE CEREAL!!!!!!!! oops sorry lol i have adhd lol ok toodles!!!!! waffles and luvs, bob hi every1 im new!!!!!!! *holds up rules* my name is skeen but u can call me t3h k1ng 0f /r/ath3ism!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very skeptical!!!! thats why i created, 2 meet random skeptics like me ಠ_ಠ… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!! in fact im an atheist!!!) i like 2 destoy christins w/ tuber (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite past time!!! bcuz its SOOOO rewarding!!!! hes skeptic 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random atheists =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of subjcts here so give me lots of power!!!! LOL UR BANNED JIJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein moderator again again ^_^ hehe…toodles!!!!! love and cheetos, *~t3h K1nG 0f /r/ath3ism~* What in Davy Jones' locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I'll have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, and I've led numerous raids on fishing villages, and raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging and be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o' swag. I'll have yer guts for garters and keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o' pirates across the sea and yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The kind o' monsoon that'll wipe ye off the map. You're sharkbait, fool. I can sail anywhere, in any waters, and can kill ye in o'er seven hundred ways, and that be just with me hook and fist. Not only do I be top o' the line with a cutlass, but I have an entire pirate fleet at my beck and call and I'll damned sure use it all to wipe yer arse off o' the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to know what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the comment. But ye couldn't, ye didn't, and now ye'll pay the ultimate toll, you buffoon. I'll shit fury all over ye and ye'll drown in the depths o' it. You're fish food now, lad. My Nana is still a looker, even at eighty. Whenever I bathe her in the driveway, I'm always impressed by her sinewy physique. I'll be like "Nana you're ripped bro" and she'll be like "nothing but clean living and good genes" then I'll be like "clean living? You ain't been sober an entire day since Nixon was still on the teet" and she'll be like "you'd drink too if you had such a shitty family" and I'll be like "maybe if you didn't have so much side wang pop-pop wouldn't have moved to Reno" and she'll be like "he moved to Reno because Schenectady was getting overrun with Mexicans" and I'll be like "Nana that's racist" then she'll say "then why don't you move there." This goes on until I'm done hosing her off, at which point I take her back inside, but her in front of a TV playing Diagnosis: Murder reruns, and give her a box of wine with a straw. Old people need the routine. forgive english, i am Russia. i come to study clothing and fashion at American university. i am here little time and i am very hard stress. i am gay also and this very difficult for me, i am very religion person. i never act to be gay with other men before. but after i am in america 6 weeks i am my friend together he is gay also. He was show me American fashion and then we are kiss. wWe sex together. I never before now am tell my mother about gay because i am very shame. As i fock this American boy it is very good to me but also i am feel so guilty. I feel extreme guilty as I begin orgasm. I feel so guilty that I pick up my telephone and call Mother in Russia. I awaken her. It too late for stopping so I am cumming sex. I am very upset and guilty and crying, so I yell her, "I AM CUM FROM SEX" (in Russia). She say what? I say "I AM CUM FROM SEX" and she say you boy, do not marry American girl, and I say "NO I AM CUM FROM SEX WITH MAN, I AM IN ASS, I CUM IN ASS" and my mother very angry me. She not get scared though. I hang up phone and am very embarrass. My friend also he is very embarrass. I am guilt and feel very stupid. I wonder, why do I gay with man? But I continue because when it spurt it feel very good in American ass. @