#of course I’m sure they’re saying this because they don’t know! a blog revolving around khr! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jamaiskookie · 4 years

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i would like more soundcloud rapper yoongi x idol y/n please it’s so cute

v-live alert! -myg

pairing: idol! y/n x soundcloud rapper! yoongi

wc; 2.9k

a/n: lots of you asked, and so you shall receive. ps, i wrote this really rushed but i kinda love it. lmk what you think, love you guys <3

[V LIVE] Surprise LIVE!

the v-live notification. or, more accurately, the sound of war. alternatively, you dance around your studio on a livestream and yoongi has a mental breakdown.

masterlist PREV

“i miss you too!“ you say, replying to one of the first comments that pop up on the live.

you probably should’ve showered before going live... and you probably should’ve changed out of sweats.

whatever.

it’s not like your fans haven’t seen this before.

half of your pre-debut pictures are just downright disgusting.

the number of viewers on the top of your phone begins to climb up to the thousands, increasing every half a second.

it always amazes you how many people show up to your lives. sometimes you wonder if your fans genuinely have nothing better to do. how do they always show up so fast?

the comments begin to flood with greetings and exclamations of ‘oh my god i’m so early!11!1’ and the multicoloured heart pop up on your screen, building up an impressive stream of likes.

“where am i?“ you read through the comments and look around, as if you forgot where you were. “in the studio.“ you grin when the comments flood with questions asking if dreamcloud is getting new music.

you can’t answer, of course, but it’s fun to see. you squint at your phone, which is propped on an elaborate setup that you spent the past twenty minutes preparing.

(three books on one eyeshadow palette and a selfie stick gingerly placed on a small stool)

((you pray to every deity out there that it won’t fall))

“i was just bored,“ you shrug, speaking to the screen. “so i decided to come on here and talk to you guys. how have you been?“ you ask.

hundreds of comments answer.

“i’m alright“

“i’m good!“

most of them contain some form of sappy declaration like ‘my day is much better now that you’re here!’ it makes you smile. how cute.

the v-live notification.

or, more accurately, the sound of war.

that cursed, terrible ding! haunts yoongi’s darkest and most terrifying nightmares. the sheer amount of panic that rushes through his veins when he hears that godforsaken noise, god.

the number of lives he’s missed- yoongi can’t even bear to think about it.

so maybe it was a blessing in disguise that yoongi put his phone on do not disturb so he didn’t have to hear that disgusting sound. instead, he found out the news via a gorilla’s screech.

“Y/N’S LIVE RIGHT NOW STARTED FOURTY SECONDS AGO HURRY UP YOONGI GET YOUR ASS UP AND STOP STUDYI-“ jimin yells from his room down the hall.

yoongi almost falls out of his chair scrambling to get to his phone. it’s not like he was really studying anyways- more like using his pencils to tap out a cool-sounding beat on his desk out of boredom.

watching your live > passing his music theory class.

priorities.

with shaky hands, he grabs at his phone, slumping onto the floor and he sees the familiar blue icon with the notification popped up on the screen.

[V LIVE] Surprise LIVE! Y/N: let’s chat <3

an unnatural squeak that slightly resembles the sound a mouse slips out of yoongi’s mouth.

even when he was a baby starrie and was glued to his phone at all times, he’s never been this early to a live. he unlocks his phone, cursing his momentary clumsiness. he clicks into the live, smiling when your beaming face blasts up on his screen.

you haven’t gone live in so long- it’s nice to see your face again.

“- how have you been?“

“good.“ yoongi types out in the comment box, mumbling the words as he’s typing. “way better now that you’re live.“ sometimes yoongi cringes at himself when he types these things. i mean, who could possibly guess that min yoongi, resident scary-emo-couldslapyouintheface bad boy socially un-responsible simped over a k-pop idol?

he can already see his reputation go down the drain.

he also wonders what it says about himself that he’s a 20-something college student who’s life practically revolves around you, an idol who’s just about a year younger than him.

but dreamcloud is a part of his identity now. he identifies as a starrie no matter what. you know how the old saying goes-

once you stan, you can’t unstan. or something like that, he’s honestly not sure.

you tuck your head onto your hand, diligently trying to keep up with all the comment. with a gasp, you nod at something. “oh, you’re right, user yoonalova98!” - that’s another thing special about you. whenever you read out comments, you also read out the username of whoever wrote it.

you explained in one interview- that it’s cooler to give credit and talk to your fans as if you’re just chatting as friend. saying the username feels like you’re saying their names.

what kind of lucky fan would get their comment read aloud by Y/N?

ugh.

yoongi blinks when he remembers that technically, he’s sort of part of this group of elite, recognised fans.

his twitter stan account got almost five thousand more followers after Y/N replied to his selca. the post itself has tons and tons of likes and retweets.

insane, that Y/N- Y/N herself- knows of his existence. Y/N- the love of his life, has seen his FACE. she commented three HEART emojis below a selfie that he took.

if he thinks about it too much, he’ll start feeling faint again.

“our anniversary is coming up soon! i can’t believe it’s been three years already. time does pass by when you’re having fun.“ you say. yoongi thinks that it’s rather ironic that you would forget your anniversary, when yoongi’s had a calendar countdown to January 14th since the beginning of september.

“ahh,“ you say, leaning in closer to the screen. “from user lialiarach, ‘did you watch jisoo unnie’s acting debut’ - i did! we all watched it and cheered her on during the premiere!“

jisoo’s new drama is good. it’s a fantasy-horror blend, and he, jimin, namjoon and jin finished all 16 episodes in two days when streaming hit Netflix.

your head tilts and you smile. “song recommendations?” you wonder aloud, and yoongi scrambles to get a pen and notepad out. you don’t do ‘y/n’s listening parties’ as much anymore, but your taste in music is impeccable and he collects all the songs in a playlist.

it’s called ‘wedding tunes’ (jimin named it, not him, yoongi swears)

everytime he tries to change it back, it somehow switches back to wedding tunes the next day.

it’s disturbing how good jimin is at this kind of stuff. hopefully yoongi won’t have to bail him out of jail one day.

“okay!“ you say, pulling your laptop open. you hum as you scroll through some page that yoongi can’t see- and he anxiously waits for the first song to be played with twitchy hands and a strong grip on his pen.

the first bar plays out and yoongi’s already in love.

“this is,“ you say over the music, double checking just to make sure. “don’t need your love by NCT...“ you squint. god knows there are too many NCT members. “dream! NCT dream featuring HRVY.“

“NCT dream...“ yoongi mumbles to himself, writing the song down on the notepad.

“you know,“ you say over the music, spinning in your chair and nodding to the beat. “i’ve only met the NCT guys a couple times at music shows and such but they’re all so nice. i can’t remember all their names, but i’m decently familiar with their faces. how do they even have 23 members? how does it all work??“

you dance around the studio, singing along nonsensical lyrics that don’t make sense but sort of fit the rhythm of the song (??)

“don’t need your loo-ooove-!!! dum dum duhhhh duhros noya!!!” yoongi stifles a laugh. there’s a reason why you constantly forget lyrics on stage.

which is quite ironic, actually, because half the time you’re forgetting the lyrics to a song you wrote yourself.

afterwards, you play all the hidden gems- and yoongi’s proud to say he’s familiar with quite a few of them.

airplane by j-hope (a youtube star turned successful rapper-vocalist-dancer)

sweet night by v (the internet’s resident eye-candy)

and then you continue to scroll through your laptop, biting your lip and murmuring quietly to yourself. you glance once back at your phone screen.

okay, listen.

yoongi knows that he’s delusional, okay?

but everytime you look straight in the screen it’s almost like you’re looking directly at the camera it’s almost like you’re staring into his soul. which makes zero sense, but it still makes his heart skip a beat.

let him dream, please

“what am i scrolling through?“ you say, reciting a question from the chat. “soundcloud, user chachachae.“

soundcloud?

oh.

that’s pretty cool.

he didn’t know you had a soundcloud account!

you usually post all your covers and random shorts to instagram or another one of your personal blogs.

for a moment, yoongi indulges himself by wondering if you’d ever listened to his music. his soundcloud account is linked in his twitter bio, after all...

but he shakes those thoughts away as fast as they came. he doesn’t need to entertain himself with such silly thoughts.

“ooh, this one’s good!“ you say, clicking onto something.

still with you by JAYKAY (pffftt haihdkahjd) starts playing and you lean back, humming along. yoongi knows this one too!! now he’s 3 for 3!! he and you do share a similar taste in music, so maybe it does make sense.

even though you’re actually main vocalist and lead dancer, you do listen to a lot of rap music. but the music you make is nothing like the old school hip hop tracks that yoongi is partial to.

the music you make- how can he explain it?

sweet like honey with a little bit of tang.

like barbecue honey!!!!

ok that was a bad analogy.

all of his favourite dreamcloud tracks are written by you- cloud nine, up in the sky, are u still here, quicksand- the list goes on and on and on.

it’s like listening to your voice solves anything he goes against. bad day? dreamcloud. something to celebrate? blast your debut song. in need of a party song? easy fix. he gets aux cord rights? (granted, this doesn’t happen very often, since seokjin insists that his music taste is superior to his friends.) but anyways, y/n can fix it.

listening to your voice feels comforting. it invokes something in him that he honestly cannot explain with words. you’re his inspiration. not just in music- but in life. he admires how you’re able to smile through anything, how you take responsibility for your own actions.

he admires your kind heart, which offers generosity and forgiveness to even the most underserving people.

he admires your passion, for music, for your members, for the smallest things. he admires how you’ll love everyone and anyone.

even though he’s never really met you, he feels like he knows you. he wishes he could, anyways. he wants to thank the person who’s gotten him through such bad days.

yoongi curses himself again for being so delusional.

he keeps telling himself that he can’t get so attached. then he’ll end up like one of those creepy fans who are convinced their idols actually like them.

blech.

“okay, next song!“ you exclaim cheerfully. “i really like this one, guys. he’s this soundcloud star. he makes really cool music.“ yoongi readies his pen. if this person really is a soundcloud star, then there’s a high chance yoongi knows of him. a smaller chance that he actually knows the guy personally; either online or from real life.

you press the space bar almost obnoxiously, like you’re about to reveal something grand. you look into the camera, and you lock eyes with yoongi- through that cursed, horrible screen.

the first note plays and yoongi thinks that it sounds... oddly familiar, actually. for a moment, he sighs in disappointment. this one doesn’t sound as great as the previous few songs. almost like it’s incomplete, imperfect. something about it bugs him at the very bottom of his gut.

jimin figures it out before he does.

“AHHHHHHHHH YOONGI!!! OH MY GOD-!!!! YOONGI ARE YOU SEEING THIS? YOONGI!! HYUNG!“ yoongi grumbles, wondering what the hell jimin is screeching about now.

“oh, for fuck’s sake,“ he mumbles. the difference between him and jimin is the way they express their emotions. while yoongi bottles it all up, choosing to deal with things alone and slump around, jimin has no other choice but to scream things out. it’s a wonder they’re such good friends, really. “what is it now?“ yoongi mutters to himself.

“yeah yeah, a gentle breeze- “ and then it hits him. all at once.

“holy fucking shit.“ he whispers to himself, slumping down on the floor. he can barely hear what you say next.

“this song is called people by agust d. he goes by the name suga on social media-!“ yoongi falls down, gasping for air. “i’m a fan,“ you remark casually. “mr. suga producer-nim!! i’m your fan! please continue to make good music!“ you chuckle. “what am i doing right now? he probably isn’t even watching.“ you stare innocently at the phone camera, as if you don’t even know that you’re changing someone’s life right now.

out of his peripheral vision, he can see jimin rushing into the room, crouching next to him and placing a hand on his back, murmuring something yoongi can’t hear through the sound of his sobs.

huh. when did he even start crying?

“he makes rap and really cool hip hop music. you guys should give him a listen. his lyrics are really meaningful, too.“ you nod along, reciting the lyrics word for word- even though you really can’t rap.

“what kind of person am I? am I a good person? or a bad person? many of ways to judge just a person. everyone will live on, everyone will love, everyone will fade away“ you headbang along to the beat.

yoongi slides down the wall inch by inch. he wonders if he’ll faint or vomit first.

other people seem to make fun of people like him- people who find solace in idols, in music. that’s partially why he doesn’t like disclosing the fact that he’s a diehard fan of an idol girl group.

but in hindsight, that’s so stupid. who gives two fucks about his interests? hell, yoongi’s been depressed half his life. and if a group of girls who sing songs and perform make him feel better, what’s so wrong with that?

jimin’s voice is a little clearer now, and so is yours. you’re singing along to the lyrics- the lyrics that he wrote. the lyrics that he spent hours agonising over, wondering whether his shortcomings and anxiety in his life were worth posting on the internet for his measly following to see.

wondering if the music he made had any impact at all, if one day he might see his dream come true, to see his music being played in public. wondering if anyone might hear his songs and think that it helped them get over a bad day. just like you have for him.

yoongi’s sobs wrack through his body, tears flowing freely on his face. he’s crying hard. ugly crying, like a baby throwing a temper tantrum. his cries echo through the room. if he could see himself right now...

well, he doesn’t want to think about it. he’s sure it’s not a pretty view.

jimin looks over him, smiling proudly. his eyes are glassy, and he tucks yoongi’s head in his chest, putting his arms around him and embracing him.

yoongi’s shoulders shake. if it was any other day, he would usher jimin out the room. he hates it when people see him being vulnerable. even his own family hasn’t seen him cry that much.

but right now, he can’t bring himself to do anything but cry. other people may ask why this is such a big deal, why someone emotionally constipated like min yoongi would cry like this for such a small matter.

this, he doesn’t know how to explain either.

all he can think about is how much it means to him. that someone he admires so much is now, in turn, saying his music- no, his life- is good. nothing much else. but just knowing that you’ve listened to his work, that you know of his alter ego’s name...

his crying sounds grow larger.

jimin pets at his hair. “shh,” he murmurs. “it’s okay.” jimin’s voice also grows a little shaky. he tears up, but continues to comfort the crying boy in his arms. “you did it, hyung. it’s okay. you made it. you did it. why are you crying? this is good news! this is so great! i’m proud of you, we’re all so proud of you.”

yoongi tries to speak; it doesn’t go very well. but when he tries again, he manages to choke something out.

“i did it.“ he says, before burying his face back into jimin’s hug. the two boys sit on the ground, crying together. an hour passes, then two.

slowly, yoongi drifts off to bed on the ground, the melody of his own song blended with sound of your voice echoing in his head.

my ordinary became your special, my special became your ordinary. so what? what if you just brush by? what if you get hurt? sometimes you might get hurt again, sometimes you might shed tears. so what? so what if you live like that?

~ people by agust d

tags; @jksbbyfacebunny @extremeobsessions101 @dwcljh @stonyiscanon @bishuthot @s0seo @cecedrake2217

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ceoofanticatradora · 3 years

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We need more anti C//A who are Adora stans (like you seem to be) so that people can understand that C///A is bad for Adora. Heck C//A is bad for Catra too, but the shippers don't seem to realize it. If Catra had been able to let Adora go maybe she could have healed instead of her festering and the abuse may have ended instead of escalated.

Hello Dear, welcome on my Blog and a big thank you for your message! Firstly I wanna apologize that this response is reaching you more than three full days, almost four later. Just real life getting into the way of my online presence (at least I got my A-Levels admission!) but I assure you that replying to you was on my To Do List the entire time. And while I could've typed something quick, I thought you deserved a full length response just as much as the person before you received. That goes for anyone really to ask/write me anything in the future.

Adora is a character that has flaws, her own interests, things she struggles with/is insecure about etc. but she also still works on being better (up to Season 5). This makes her relatable, fleshed out and overall three dimensional. Overall for me that makes Adora very likeable. Which is funny because when I first watched the show I thought of her as too goofy and felt like she as a character was overall just flat. Her character design did not speak to me either, the ponytail with the weird hair poof and these pointy shoulders of her jacket just really were not my taste. Isn't it amazing how perceptions can change?

As you can guess from that description I did not always stan Adora and she's probably still not my favorite character but over the almost two years I've been in this fandom I've grown rather fond of her. Other important characters to me are Kyle (a very relatable comfort character of mine, he learned to stand up for himself and others and I support that, f*ck Season 5 for barely acknowledging his existence), Lonnie (apart from treating Kyle badly (which I really do NOT support or excuse) I really love her, man, some women just do me like that, I mean she really stood up to Catra like that), Entrapta (I'm autistic too! It's great to have some representation, seeing the ableism/treatment she experiences in the show is not so much though), Seahawk (I don't even know why, I have some issues with his behavior towards Mermista at times but overall I love this dork), Scorpia (she reminds me of myself so much and I really wanna give her hugs, I'm so glad she chose to no longer let Catra treat her like that even though I will be forever salty she just immediately forgave her), Peekablue (I can explain this even less than Seahawk, especially since it was not even really him in the end but his existence somehow helped me cope with Season 5, without him I probably would've left this fandom ... and also my favorite color is blue) and Double Trouble (now there's enough people already critcizing how they're not exactly great Non-binary representation but this dramatic lizard will forever be in my heart, that reality check they gave Catra, basically slapping her in the face with facts was satisfying as h*ck, also I like lizards overall).

Now there's plenty of characters I like, dislike (or even hate) or am simply indifferent about but after all this is not a tier list but me talking about Adora, Catra and Catradora. Adora started off as this girl that was so sure what she was doing is right but once she was taught differently she was willing to leave everything she knew (except Catra, because she valued her despite everything) behind. And not only that, she broke out of the abuse cycle that Catra tried so hard to keep upright. And that is exactly what makes Adora such a good role model. She teaches children (or people) that:

Your past doesn't define what/who you are or what/who you can become

-> Adora used to be a Horde soldier and did not know where she came from, but nonetheless she found herself a family and became a hero that saved thousands of people

You can always change your mind and start a new life if you feel disappointed in what you are doing/who you are as a person

-> Basically the exact same point, Adora started a new life as she saw what the Horde really was and changed her mind about who to fight for

You deserve love too, be it platonic or romantic (or se*ual???) (If you're aro and/or ace just ignore the part that does not work for you)

-> While Adora for various reasons thought her only use was to please others and meet their needs and expectations (mostly due to Shadow Weaver and Catra) she learned to accept that she too deserves love and validation (if the love aspect would not have been focused on it being romantic love so she could smooch Catra in the finale this would've been a billion times better because she got love from her friends that showed her her real value)

You can walk away from something/someone, that does not make you egoistic/selfish

-> Adora walked away from the Horde, after Catra stubbornly refused to come with her despite many offers (basically Catra broke the promise, not Adora) from her too and that did not make her a "traitor" or "selfish", h*ck, Adora in the end did this for a bigger purpose too, even if part of it was her not wanting to live with such wrong morals

Your opinions, feelings etc. about a person/something can change and that is perfectly fine and valid, being able to change is part of what makes someone human

-> Adora's views on many things changed throughout the show: The Horde and the Rebellion, the First Ones, Catra, being She-Ra, herself, her priorities and so on ... she actually makes use of her brain, which is why Catra saying "Don't you ge it?" or calling her an idiot and dumb never sat right with me, she's a realistic character for shifting with her thoughts, feelings etc. and sometimes just does not fully think things through

You don't have to let other people treat you like sh*t (just because they have some issues they never worked through does not give them any right to let it out on you)

-> This point is obviously centered mostly around Catra and her abusing Adora almost every chance she gets, which is why Adora standing up for herself and not letting Catra blame her for her own decisions and mistakes is so important, "You made your choice, now live with it" is one of the most powerful lines throughout all the five Seasons

Now I'm sure there is still more to Adora's character than what I just listed and unfortunately almost all the points basically got pushed aside, well, Adora as a character got pushed aside in Season 5. All her growth, the things that made me love her, see her as great role model for so many people robbed of their value for the sake of making everything revolve around Catra. That brings me to her and how you are absolutely right that Catradora is harmful to both characters. Of course Adora is affected most by it in the end but Catra too is obviously suffering under the fandoms obsession and just the overall idea of them being romantically involved.

Just like with Adora the stans make almost everything about Catra over her relationship with Adora. She too can barely exist outside of it and if she wasn't the fan favorite she'd most likely would too be mostly in Fanarts that include Adora and not just her (if you google "Catra Fanart" most content is still Catra and Catra only but here and there Catradora still peaks through). But for whatever reason the fandom still views her more as her own person as the other ones? Catrouble and Scorptra Shippers might actually still get less hate than Glimmadora Shippers (I'm not denying they don't get any, they most certaintly do) which is just plain hypocricy and favorism. Kinda like the: A woman needs to be loyal to her husband and her husband only but if the husband wants to be active with other women that is perfectly fine because "that is just how men are" or how i like to call it ... sexism. Now in this case they are both women so it's not sexism but yo do get my point.

But much more importantly, Catra has an unhealthy obsession with Adora. Signs of that are for example:

Constantly talking about Adora, even when said person is not around (to Shadow Weaver, Scorpia etc.)

Obsessing over having control over Adora like in that one Episode "Are you kidding? I finally got control over Adora, I'm not giving that up!"

Building her entire character and her actions around Adora "We need to take Adora down", "Adora left me", "I'd rather see the whole world end than see you win!", also shown in Season 5 where she states she does save Glimmer only for Adora and not for Glimmer or to do the right thing

Getting aggressive or very emotional over Adora like clawing the wall, having nightmares etc. (destructive behavior towards herself and others)

Having no or barely any characteristics outside of her relationship with Adora like, we don't know her interests or likes and dislikes outside of being evil, obsessed with Adora, being abused by Shadow Weaver ...

Trying to force Adora to meet her needs and expectations regardless of Adora's owns

Sacrificing her oppurtunity to be happy in the Crimson Waste for the sake of her Adora obsession and being better than her at all costs

So yes, you were very right with saying that not putting Catra in a relationship with Adora would've benefited both characters. Catra could've learned to exist on her own, develop interests and a life outside of Adora. Learn to accept herself and eventually come to terms with her childhood abuse. She could've been free and not "the abusive cat girl that ended up with the person she unhealthily obsessed over to the point of no return" she kinda is now. Even if we ignore the whole "dating your long term abuser" part from Adora's side and "being rewarded" for horrible behavior, Catra alone is not giving a good example to people watching. As much as I dislike Catra, disdain her even, an ending where she is dependent on Adora, unable to stand on her own two legs after she led armies in war is not what I would wish for her, even with a decent redemption arc (that she did not get).

#anti catradora #anti c//a #anti catra #spop critical #response #my post #spop salt #ocd #role model #anti catra stans #anti catradora stans #comfort character #adora deserves better #honestly its worse once you know its not just bad for adora #anti+catra #anti+catradora

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amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines · 4 years

Text

Sweet Pea//my greatest adventure is you

Request: Can you do a dad (newborn-ish) sweet pea imagine

hey! title is kind of stolen from a quote i saw on pinterest and part from my own brain so its okay! how are you all? i hope you’re good! i also hope you like this! its cute and sweet and just very nice! byeeee

Two weeks ago your life changed completely.

And for two weeks you and Sweet Pea have been living in a post baby, sleep deprived, bliss.

Days of the week have long been forgotten, neither of you know the time. It’s either light or dark and that’s good enough for you. Both of you have only been outside a handful of times and they’re only for two hours at the most.

You’ve worn nothing but pyjama’s, washed your hair enough times to count on just one hand and smell like baby puke and milk.

But it’s perfect.

Everything and everyone revolves around the perfect bundle of joy that you’ve brought into the world, and that is how it was supposed to be. You’ve had visitors from just about everybody you know.

Family, friends, neighbours, as well as their family and friend. You’ve had everyone wanting to come and see your daughter, all of which bring toys, clothes, keepsakes, balloons, flowers and everything in-between.

Which is of course lovely and very helpful. Especially when you’re dealing with the fullest nappy and think you’ve run out of wipes but Sweet Pea finds three packs of them under a pile of clothes that are yet to be worn.

Plus, they also bring you presents to which you definitely aren’t complaining about. You’ve got so many pairs of pajama’s you’re not gonna need any for years.

But it also brings problems.

Because you and Sweet Pea may have read every baby/parenting book, blog and magazine known to man. But what they don’t prepare you for is how you’re supposed to fit everything into a tiny two bedroom house.

“How does a tiny baby need all of this equipment?” You ask, staring at the black hole of boxes that is your living room. Even sat on the couch there’s boxes and bags stacked around you and the two of you honestly have no idea where to start. “I mean, what the hell even is this?” You add, picking up some sort of weird looking piece of plastic.

Sweet Pea looks at it, a frown on his face before it lights up and he searches through some papers on the small table beside him. He holds a booklet up, a triumphant smile stretching across his lips before he starts reading.

The smile slowly starts to fade the more he reads to himself and you sit in silence, an eyebrow raised while you wait for him to tell you.

“Oo, erm. Apparently it tells you why the baby is crying.” He says, looking between you and the what you now realize is the instructions.

The only way you can describe his expression is puzzled, as he takes the baby crying machine from you, placing it beside the instructions and just staring at the two.

“Who the hell bought this?” He asks, resting his chin in his hands. You run your fingers through his hair, trying to calm the curls down a little and he lets out a content sigh, giving you a tired smile as he does so.

You mirror it and nudge his leg with your own. You lean your head on his shoulder, and he places his head on top. The two of you look over the paper and plastic again, reading and re-reading the instructions as it takes a while to actually understand what they are trying to say. Its seems both you and Sweet Pea have ended up developing baby-brain.

“I think it was your Auntie Agnes.”

“Of course it was.” He chuckles and kisses the top of your head.

“What are the options?” You ask.

“Hungry, tired, changing, attention, stressed.” He says and you send him a look.

“Stressed? What an earth could a baby be stressed about? They don’t pay taxes, they don’t have to work.” You reply grumpily making him laugh and kiss you again.

“Technically we don’t have to pay taxes.”

“Technically we do if we don’t want to go to jail.” You reply.

“Who says I’d get caught.” He replies proudly.

“Me.” You reply bluntly and he stares at you offended.

“Rude.”

“True though.” You tease and grab the strange device from him, looking it over a few times before looking back at him. “So, where’s this going?”

“Back of the cupboard normally. Proudly on display when Auntie Agnes actually comes to visit?”

“Deal.” You agree. “I’ll find a place for it and you start on that box there.”

“Which one?”

“The huge red one right in front of your face.” You huff and he flips you off.

You send him a sarcastic smile in return before disappearing into the kitchen to find a space for the stupid bit of plastic.

“Why this one specifically?” He calls after you.

“Its from Toni and Cheryl and I’m excited to see what ridiculous things Cheryl has spent a fuck-ton of money on.” You reply, your voice giddy but muffled by the cupboard you’ve currently got your head in.

Sweet Pea shakes his head, a small giggle escaping his lips as he listens to you excitedly ramble about what it could be.

He pulls on the end of the bow and it falls off the wooden box and onto the carpeted floor. A bemused smile takes over his appearance as he carefully picks the lid up and places it beside him.

“Holy shit.” His eyes widen. “Y/n? Y/n get in here!”

“Wha-ow! Shit.”

“Did you hit your head?” He asks, sending you a sympathetic smile when he notices you standing in the doorway, rubbing your head.

“Yeah.” You nod and flop down beside him again. “So, what is it?” You ask excitedly.

“You’re not going to believe it.” He replies and moves further towards the box. You follow him until your sat on the edge of the sofa and your eyes widen when you look at what it is.

“Is that?” You ask, looking at him and then back at the present.

“Yep.”

Staring back at the two of you is a giant rocking horse. Like it’s massive, like Toni could definitely fit on it and it would look normal, massive even. Hanging around its neck is what looks like a diamond encrusted dummy and you and Sweet Pea just stare at each other in disbelief.

A red, handwritten card sits on top of it and you grab it, turning it around and reading aloud.

‘Y/n and Sweet Pea,

Congratulations on your new arrival! We can’t wait to meet her properly. You’re going to be amazing parents, and we’re always here if you need us. Hopefully we’ll be able to organize a play date between her and JJ soon, but until then enjoy new parenthood.

Love Cheryl, Toni and JJ.

ps: I told Cheryl you didn’t need a giant horse or diamond encrusted dummy or the other 5, very expensive gifts that are currently being shipped from Italy, but she didn’t listen, so sorry in advance. And again, congratulations!! We’re so proud of both of you!!’

“Another 5 gifts from Italy?” Sweet Pea repeats.

“Another 5, expensive gifts from Italy.” You correct.

“They have far too much money for their own good.”

“God knows where this is going to go.” You shake your head, a smile tugging at your lips as you tuck the card back into the box and place the lid back on top. “Which one should we do ne-” Your interrupted by a small cry and the two of you stop what you’re doing to listen, waiting to see if she’ll settle back down. The crying only grows louder and you and Pea share a look.

“I’ll get her.” He says and you expression softens.

“You sure?” You ask.

“Yeah.” He replies, fighting his way through the boxes and bags trapping the two of you. “I just googled how much that rocking horse is so I’m gonna go cry with her.” He says making you laugh. “You keep going down here.”

“Wait, how did that happen? You get to cuddle a cute baby and I have to figure out where to put bottles and diapers and...horses?”

“Unlucky.” He shrugs and gives you a sarcastic smile before running up the stairs.

Two minutes later and she’s stopped crying. A relieved smile takes over your face as you fold what seems like the millionth baby grow. But twenty minutes after that, Sweet Pea hasn’t come back down yet, and that makes you suspicious.

Because he’s either fallen asleep, or he’s just pretending to still be busy so he doesn’t have to help with this. If he’s asleep, you’re joining him, whether he’s on the bed or under it, you don’t care. But if not, you bet his ass you are dragging him back down the stairs.

You slowly make your way up the stairs, balancing a few pieces of clothing in your hands to put away. The door to your bedroom is cracked open slightly and instead of going straight into the nursery, you hold back and watch as Sweet Pea rocks her gently.

His back is to you so he hasn’t noticed your presence, and he’s pulling the funniest faces at her, the sight making your heart melt. Your entire universe in one room, within two people, one tall and the other tiny.

It makes all the chaos worth it.

“There once was a shoe, who’s best friend was a lace.” Sweet Pea starts, balancing a baby book in his hands as he keeps tight hold of your daughter. “They went everywhere together. But one day, the shoe stepped in a puddle and the lace got dirty so-what kind of story is this?” He complains, shaking his head as he puts it down.

“Okay, Daisy. I’ve got a much better story to tell you anyway.” He whispers into the dark room and carefully sits down in the rocking chair. “So, me and your mom have known each other for so long. Longer than you can even comprehend, not that you can comprehend much at the minute. But one day when your bigger you’ll understand. We’ve known each other since we were younger than you, thats right, we were best friends before we were born. And there hasn’t been a day that she hasn’t been around. And they’ll never be a day where she isn’t here for you either. Both of us are always going to be here.” He says, his voice gentle.

His tone is full of so much love that it makes you tear up...stupid hormones. You can’t wait to spend the rest of your life loving your little family, and you’re so happy that its Sweet Pea that you’re doing it with. You can’t imagine a life without him, you never want to.

“You have your entire life ahead of you and we’re going to make sure you live the best one you can. Because you can do anything. There’s a whole world of possibilities out there. Sometimes it feels like there isn’t, but you’ve only been here two weeks and you’ve brought so much wonder and magic to mine and your mom’s world, so who knows what you’re going to do to the rest of it.” He continues and you hug the clothes your holding tighter to your chest, despite the fact that you’re crying all over them.

“We’re going to love you no matter what. No matter who you are or who you love or what you do. As long as you’re safe and happy, thats good enough for us.” He says, a sweet smile on his lips as he stares down at her in awe. “Now, go to sleep and have the sweetest dreams you can think of and when you wake up, your mom and me will both be here for you. Thats a promise.” He whispers, pressing a soft kiss to her head before placing her gently back in her crib.

You take that as you cue to walk in, avoiding the creaky floorboard that you and Sweet Pea have already memorized the position of. He hears the door open and his smile grows when he notices you. You return it, your eyes tired and your hair messy and your clothes the same as they were two days ago. But to him you look the most beautiful you ever have.

He has never loved anyone more, well, apart from Daisy. But you’re the reason she’s here and he’s never ever going to be able to thank you enough for that.

You quietly place the pile of clothes on top of the drawers, vowing to put them away tomorrow. Them, the presents downstairs and the the rest of the world can wait, you want to enjoy this for as long as you can.

Sweet Pea grabs your hand and pulls you gently towards him. The two of you lean over the crib, watching Daisy sleep peacefully. His hands rest gently on your shoulders and you give them a squeeze, your fingers intertwining.

“Do you think babies can dream?” You wonder, looking up at Pea.

“I really do hope so.”

#sweet pea #sweet pea imagine #sweet pea x reader #sweet pea x you #sweet pea x y/n #riverdale #riverdale imagine

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personasintro · 3 years

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Mimi, i hope you are doing good. I don't think you have any haters, I am not supporting the rude anons but i actually tried to understand their comments as well.

I feel they don't hate you or your work so calling them haters may not be an appropriate word. I am not defending anyone but for once I tried to be in a neutral spot just to analyze the whole situation. What the anons tried to convey was not completely wrong but i guess it's just their way of conveying it was not right. Plus, i also feel this is not the same person, i am very sure they all are different people just having the same thought process. You are a very good writer, i just feel you are a lil impulsive (may be because you are a young blood), you need not address or defend every comment which ultimately affects you. Being someone who is atleast 10 years elder to you, i just want to say that 10 years later you are going to look back and laugh at yourself for being so impulsive and for actually giving a fck about all this. You are letting these comments get inside your brain. Big music artists get so much hate as well but that does not stop them from making music. You are on a big platform with 1M plus readers and everytime you have defended yourself it has actually backfired you. Try to keep calm and understand every asks, may be not everyone is actually aiming to write against you. We all are just bunch of readers waiting for an update of our fav FF, but now your readers are actually scared to even ask you about any update as it keeps bothering you, but what else are they suppose to expect from you?

Not everyone who says something negative is a hater right away. I've never said they are. I'm speaking more generally in my asks. You guys don't see all the messages in my inbox or are going through the same thing like I do, so for you most of these things could look totally different than they look to me. If someone sends you a dead threat, they are a hater. Or someone who always comes back to badmouthing you and your stories, is a hater. I can't believe some people are willing to go such a length over a story.

I don't think I'm impulsive, I think about things a lot before I speak about it publicly. I might seem to look like that to you, but I'm not. And even tho some things happening here make me sad and I do feel frustrated, as soon as I close the app and don't think about it I'm fine. I don't cry myself to sleep thinking about all of this and I'm fully convinced that if any of this will be too much for me, I'll simply just walk away. I'm not the one constantly talking about this, I always just explain myself but then it brings another wave of different kinds of responds. If something gets too much, I just ignore it but you don't see that. You all just see what I decide to publish.

I can assure you, I'm very much calm but also very honest. I'm not going to pretend I love it here when there are dozens of pressures from different sides all the time.

Like I said many times, I'm here to write and post stories. I'm no one's servant. I'm not going to sit back when people are being assholes or when there's something that's not comfortable for me on my own blog. It sounds selfish but it's true... this is my blog. Why should I shut my mouth for the sake of some people who upset me?

My words also always get twisted and I've said this before, but every time I admit something publicly people twist it. Like with the whole update thing. I said many times I don't mind readers asking about them but it also matters HOW they ask it. And if I obviously don't respond to x questions about updates, then it's because I don't want to. I also don't have a schedule, so most of the times I don't even know myself when I'm gonna update. But when someone asks me about update in an impolite way (if you scroll down, there's a perfect example of that) of course, I'm not gonna just sit here and smile. I also said I don't want readers to think that they've to be scared to tell me something just because I once talked about it, like the whole criticism thing. Just because it's criticism, doesn't mean it can't make me feel different emotions every time.

And this happens every time I'm being open and honest about something. Why do I always have to be someone who needs to change something? Why do I always have to just "ignore" things? No, if not something's right – let's talk about it. If someone doesn't like me or my work, they're free to leave. What do I have to do with anything when someone says they don't like me? And they come here on my blog to do that?

I think a lot of readers are used to world revolving around them because writers are always grateful for every each of them, and I'm so too. But guess what? World doesn't revolve around them. I'll listen to you and I'll try to have a conversation with you, but if I don't feel comfortable and know that conversation won't bring anything good and won't solve anything, I'll just walk away from it.

#ask: anon

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fire-mage-719 · 3 years

Text

I made a little story for FireMage the character in @fazbear-ent-official 's FNAF RP blog, pertaining to the type of stuff I think would fit what I want from their character. It's pretty long so I'll leave it below the cut.

I just sort of sat down and wrote something out in an hour or two, so there's probably a few mistakes or something. Above all I wanted to make it work with what everyone's done with the "universe" so far but also make it work (as someone who likes timelines and stories that makes sense).

I'm going to reblog it with a TLDR, and a sort of explanation as to my thought process and how it can work with everything. Doesn't have to be canon in the RP, but I think it might open up more RP opprotunities/paths or something. IDK, I haven't done this sort of thing before. Anyways enjoy.

William sighed before he left the building. The sound of arcade machines, a distant song, and children echoing in the short distance behind him. Exiting the dark building, he shielded his eyes and squinted as he was suddenly bashed by the intense sunlight.

It was a glorious and sunny day. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, the blue expanse cradling the unwieldy and bright sun. The building, his establishment, Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, blocked out all the lights for bright neon signs and shiny decor and moving party lights. The outside was a stark contrast.

Beyond just the sight was the smell. Inside smelled like pizza and soda, candies with enough sugar content to kill anyone in a nursing home, and a tinge of childly stench. Out here it smelled like fire, smoke, and meat. Not just any meat, but good barbecued hotdogs and hamburgers, a steak maybe, a pork rib, William couldn’t tell anymore, really. It was just savory and honestly, a very good palate cleanser to the rubbish that they sold inside.

Manning the grill was a tall figure. They wore an astronaut suit, pale white, with no flags or logos. No NASA logo, no indication that they had ever been to space, and in the end, it didn’t particularly matter. No one seemed to really mind, William the least. Especially with the reason that he hired them for. Though they did intently wish for two more additions to their apparel: a Freddy Fazbear branded apron and a nametag that read “FireMage”.

“Fire, I need you to do what I hired you for,” William sighed, his arm still shielding his eyes from the sun. “Not whatever you’ve got setup here.”

“All due respect sir, someone came in with a t-bone and said they’d pay me more than you would in a week to cook it,” The astronaut said.

The astronaut turned away from the grill, pointing the burger flipper at William.

“A week, boss. Like, rich white ladies are nuts, but money is money,” Fire said, turning back to the grill and plating a few burgers. “Besides, you’ve got a lot more business lately, despite all your goings on. I would like to think it’s thanks to me.”

William grimaced as Fire took the last burger off the grill and onto a bun. William’s eyes were focused on the t-bone that the astronaut mentioned until Fire had closed the grill.

“Besides, I take care of whatever you ask no matter what,” Fire said, turning to look at William.

It was slightly concerning, not being able to look them in the eyes. Even with the animatronics, William was able to look into the glassy fake orbs, but the visor to Fire’s helmet blocked anything but William’s own reflection. Used to the light now, William watched his mirror image let his arm down.

“If you can even remember what that initially was for,” Fire continued, leaning against the grill.

William went to open his mouth, but shut it. He couldn’t remember.

“Is it that you can’t remember, or that you haven’t been made to remember yet?” Fire asked.

William snapped, “Don’t do that. Just… go in and do what I asked, yeah?”

William turned for the handle of the door. Fire was arguably one of the easiest of his employees to deal with. Casual, respectable, and above all somehow able to get away with an odd amount of things, Fire was… one of the least suspicious people at any establishment. Whichever establishment that Afton was at, they seemed to be there. No one minded the obviously fake name, the obviously out of the ordinary outfit, and the odd comments that seemed to slip beyond most peoples’ notice.

“Mr. Afton, I have to ask, what’s up with the sudden influx of employees?” Fire retorted.

William paused and looked back, not angry, but a bit annoyed.

“I don’t know. Must have been Henry or Willow. They’re in charge of new employees.”

“Besides me,” Fire chirped.

William smiled, a bit sarcastically, “Yes. Besides you.”

“I would say that they act oddly in regards to the establishment, wouldn’t you agree?”

Fire started to approach William Afton, and though William knew that Fire wouldn’t do anything, he let go of the door knob and turned to meet their gaze… or as much of a gaze that they could have. Fire stopped a few feet away, and William let himself relax, not realizing the tension he had in his jaw.

“I mean… yes. They do seem odd. That’s nothing too out of the ordinary,” William said back in a neutral tone.

“And there’s that new establishment even, the what…” Fire rested one of their hands on their hip, snapping with the other for a few moments before it clicked. “The Pizza-plex!”

William’s brows came together in confusion, he himself not knowing quite what they were getting at.

“What do you mean? What’s wrong with it?”

“Well, can’t you see? We shouldn’t be anywhere near the Pizza-plex yet!” Fire said exasperated. “We have a location with Toy Animatronics, with the Original Gang, we have the Funtime animatronics hanging out somewhere, none of this aligns!”

William sighed, looking up to the blue sky. If he just waited them out, they would be done, and he could go back inside. They weren’t even wasting time, since no one would interfere with what Fire was meant to do anyways.

“I don’t get what you mean,” He let his head drop to look down at Fire.

His heart skipped a beat when William saw Fire in front of him, grabbing his upper arms, holding him in place.

“Everything is wrong! I thought that something was off when I first got here, but now everything is wrong! All these things existing at once don’t coincide with the story at all!” Fire said. “None of the characters are in the right places! None of the events! The employees that appeared out of nowhere, they’re a part of this somehow!”

“Look, let me go,” William said, not struggling too much to let the astronaut let go of his arms. “I get it, you only agreed to work and do my odd jobs because… well…”

“You don’t remember how I got here, Afton,” Fire said, voice stale and monotone.

“I mean yeah, ok, I don’t!” William exclaimed. “Something is going on! I get it! But I don’t get what’s the deal! That hasn’t been an issue before. Sure! We got some weird employees! That one person with the rats, and that one person who got “adopted by Mr. Hippo”, and the one who started a wrestling ring, but that’s nothing huge!”

“But nothing has changed, yet,” Fire said. “The days go in and out, funky little things happen. But nothing moves forward. The days keep coming. The sun shines. You come out here and ask me to step away from my precious grill and clean up one of your little messes… that you don’t seem to be getting caught or suspicion for, despite the fact that it seems to be well known that Freddy’s is at least a slightly sketchy place.”

“Business is booming!” Afton sighed.

“Exactly!” Fire shouted. “It shouldn’t be!”

“What are you saying? I’m doomed to fail?” William laughed.

“In more ways than one,” Fire said plainly.

William didn’t like that statement, and glared at the astronaut. Fire walked forward, up to Afton.

“You and I can’t remember anything, but out of everyone, we seem to understand that there’s more than meets the eye going on. We’re stuck here, until something happens in this broken universe,” Fire said, inches from Afton, looking down on the man.

“Alright then. And what are we supposed to do about it?” Afton asked.

“Nothing. We can’t do anything. We’re nothing more than perversion, an offshoot of some original universe.”

“What are we waiting for, then?” Afton said, aggravated. “All the weird kids to go away? For me to finish my plans?”

“We’re waiting for the story to continue, of course,” Fire turned away.

They walked back to the grill, where sitting propped up next to it was a flamethrower. Dangerous to have next to a grill, to say the least, but William Afton never saw the astronaut without their flamethrower close by.

“There’s got to be some bigger plot point coming along. Something to move us all forward. We have to be going somewhere, but maybe it isn’t out yet. Whatever was going to come next, after Ultimate Custom Night. Before I got here,” Fire continued, returning to Afton.

“You’re making even less sense now,” Afton said, looking with concern down at the flamethrower. “You make it sound like, I don’t know, we’re just waiting for God to come roll the dice and choose what comes next.”

“Not God,” Fire said.

They looked away from Afton. Past him. Past the road. Past the buildings. Past the blue skies. Into the eyes of someone, into the eyes of you.

“No, someone else,” Fire returned their gaze to William. “That’s the only thing that makes sense. That everyone here is a puppet, or a pawn, of some sort. They know who you are, they know what you do, and they might know who each other are. They’re making a story, here, and it’s leading somewhere. Too many things don’t line up with what I know is true, and even the mysteries I don’t aren’t explained.”

William just stopped at that point. He was wondering if they had waited too long, and the cleanup would be harder. Though, he thought, it wasn’t his job to clean up.

“There isn’t anything beyond the locations. There’s nothing more than the world that revolves around you and Henry and the employees,” Fire poked William in the chest. “And the world never moves on. When did you make the Pizza-plex? Don’t answer, I know you don’t know. Why didn’t you shut down the Toy location? Don’t think about it? Here’s an important question, William Afton, how are the kids?”

William would have snapped. Would have grabbed Fire by the apron and strangled them with it. He was angry, but he didn’t know why. He was also sad. Afton stumbled backwards, into the wall. He didn’t know how he felt, it was a cacophony of emotions like an echochamber of butterflies eating at his insides. He looked up at Fire, who just looked down.

“We’re all waiting for them to continue the plot, Mr. Afton. And until they do, you and I are stuck in this little world. And unfortunately, knowing we’re in it, means we’re never escaping it,” Fire kneeled down, their voice soft. “I knew even before I came here about what you were up to. Your employees and coworkers don’t know what’s going on, but they’re too comfy with the nature of this place. I don’t particularly care about what you do, because according to the story, you are meant to complete these tasks.”

Fire offered their free hand to Afton. He looked at it, confused but accepting it nonetheless.

“Until the REAL story ends… and this place ends too… I’m here to make sure you achieve whatever it is to finish it properly.”

“What, like a little henchman?” Afton scoffed as Fire pulled the man to his feet.

“No, more like…” Fire considered for a bit, trying to hold their gaze on Afton and not pull past him, past the world. “More like plot armor.”

“For no other purpose than continuing some story?” Afton continued.

“For finishing the story.”

Fire turned their head to the door, as if they heard something. They slung the flamethrower over their back and walked over to the grill. They closed up the burgers, and opened the lid to the grill. The sizzling meat’s smell wafted over Afton, calming him a bit. Fire flipped it before lowering the lid, and turning to Afton.

“Mr. Afton I hope you remember, in the future, the real reason you hired me. How you got to this point. I hope the story becomes concise for you, because as someone who also does not remember their past… or how the story works… I know it is painful,” Fire picked up the burgers. “Above all, since only you and I seem to notice that something is up, we need to be there when one of us remembers something. Because most likely, it’s not us remembering, it’s us being told to remember.”

“Being told to remember?” Afton questioned, before regretting it. “You know what? Enough. I don’t know how we even GOT this far into whatever crazy conversation this is.”

“Me neither,” Fire shrugged. “It’s something seems to drive the plot of the universe it seems.”

Fire stopped and looked at the door. As they did, it opened. It was Willow, one of three people that Fire referred to as “boss”.

“You have that steak done?” Willow asked.

“Nope, got the burgers though,” Fire motioned by raising them up. “Boss-man Afton here and I were just chatting it up.”

“Alrighty, hurry it up on that steak if you can. And if you don’t mind, William, one of the animatronics is acting up and we need you to look at it. Something about smelling bad as well,” Willow said.

Fire looked at William, whose demeanor changed. He suddenly had a kind smile on, and seemed as if he didn’t have an oddly meta conversation.

“Of course. You go Willow, I’ll get the door for Fire.”

Willow nodded and left, letting the door close behind them.

William looked at Fire with a raised brow. Fire nodded to the door.

“You gonna get that?”

Afton rolled his eyes and opened the door. He went inside, holding it open as Fire walked through. Once Fire entered the dark corridor of the poorly lit building, crossing the threshold, they stopped. They turned their head and moved their body to look back out the door.

Once again they stared at nothing. But was looking right at you.

That is, until the back door to Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza slammed shut.

#fnaf #fnaf au #fnaf rp #IDK how rp really works on tumblr #but writing this was pretty fun #it was also really fast though so #lots of mistakes #doesn't hold ALL the vibes I want #but i think the idea is there #anyways i'll write the TLDR

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faustonastring · 4 years

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Hi so I've recently come across your blog thingy, and its really cool!! Um my ask or request is, can you do one where mc has PTSD? Or social anxiety?

Thanks for requesting! I’m just going to be writing social anxiety for this one, but if any one wants me to write for ptsd I’ll get too it eventually! Also I’m not an expert, and mental illness including social anxiety effects everyone differently so please take this with many grains of salt. (Also tagging @nnuggett so they can see it.)

Main six with an mc that has social anxiety

Asra

It should be noted that asra doesn’t like crowds. It’s stated multiple times throughout the game and Julian flat out says it in heart hunters, so whilst this is a direct sign of social anxiety, he has some sort of understanding of how you feel, and he wants you to feel better. ASAP.

Asra isn’t the most social person, he isn’t one to open up to people he just met and it takes him a hot minute to fully trust people, and while I’m a huge advocate for asra having no boundaries, I’m a very strong believer that he knows what yours are, and respects them without question.

He tries his best too take you on trips with him during off seasons, so they’re won’t be too many people, and tries his best to do most the talking, and he will make up excuses to pull you away from that situation. He also does this when your working at the shop as well.

If your ever having a bad day or an anxiety attack, he will immediately pull you over to somewhere quite and hold you tight, whispering that it will be okay, and how much he loves you, and if your at the shop, he reluctantly pulls away from you to make some tea, then the cuddles continue

Nadia

Though Nadia may look very calm and put together, it’s canon that she doesn’t like press conferences, or big parties, it’s also canon that she’s silently panicking on the inside in like every route. Fake it till you make it baby. With that being said, like asra, she may not have social anxiety but she understands where your coming from.

She’s been seen by the residence of vesuvia as cold hearted, and mysterious, just because she simply does not like the attention. Unlike lucio. So of course she isn’t going to push you to participate in any of those events either, she just wants you to feel comfortable.

There are going to be times the two of you have to make public appearances together. She tries her best to go to them without you for your sake, but you sadly can’t avoid all of them. So the entire time is spent with her arm around your shoulders or waist, or her hand squeezing yours, anything she needs too do to keep you grounded.

If your limits ever get pushed and your starting to have an attack or can’t be in the situation any longer, she wraps up whatever she was doing real quick, no matter how noble the noble person was, and take you to her sanctuary to help you reground your self. She also teaches you some breathing exercises that will help.

Julian

He is the exact opposite to say the least, not in the sense that he’s attention seeking, and loves being in the center of attention, no matter what. (*coughs lucio-sorry uh, had something stuck in my throat) he just doesn’t really mind it, but he is the king of respecting boundaries let me tell ya-

He will ask you if your up to go to the raven that day, hours in advance and won’t pressure you or try to convince you to go if your not up for it. That’s your decision and he respects that. That goes for all your dates that involve interacting with people, he just wants to make sure your comfortable, and if anything feels gross, tell him and he’ll fix it.

Don’t go to the raven just to make him happy, hes already happy. he’s usually good at catching you, trying to do that, but on the days he doesn’t he feels god awful for making you uncomfortable, and will do anything, and he means anything to make you feel better.

What do you need a bath? He’s running the water? A hug? Baby don’t fret, his arms are made for hugging. Some cuddles? Get ready to be in a pile of limbs and sweat for the next hour because he refuses to get up. And this goes for when he does and doesn’t think he’s the problem, this for where ever and when ever your upset or having an attack.

Portia

Baby girl has a lot of self confidence issues. A lot of self confidence issues. Don’t let her bubbly exterior fool you, she’s got inner struggles to ya’know. And having low self esteem can be a side effect from having social anxiety, so if that applies to you, well then the two of you see each other.

She respects your boundaries and the fact that people, and interacting with people makes you feel yucky, so she’ll try her absolute hardest to keep one of her many many acquaintances out of your hair, all while keeping you up with the latest drama, while the two of you drink some tea and munch on home made bread.

Sadly you can’t always avoid Portia’s acquaintances, they’re every where. So there may be times when some one will run up to Portia to start gossiping, and then somehow manage to drag you into the conversation as well. Lucky for you, you and Portia made up a code to help when things like this happen. Just squeeze her hand three times and you’ll be outta there.

As soon as you get home and/or the two of you are alone, she’ll hug you and apologize, then she’ll tell you to go lay down and relax while she makes some tea, and heat up some bread in the oven. Don’t worry, she doesn’t care about getting crumbs in the bed she can fix that later, right now she only cares about you. And if your still shaken up she feeds you the bread.

Muriel

Out of every one In the main six, I think it’s safe to say that ontop of his ptsd, he most likely had social anxiety, and has had it since he was a child. So he knows exactly how you feel, and it hurts his heart so much to see you go through what he went through for the past *mumble* years. And his heart breaks even more if your social anxiety is as bad as his, or even worst.

King. Of respecting boundaries. I know I said that for Julian but Muriel? Muriel? Is there even competition? If you say going to a place or doing a certain activity makes you feel uncomfortable, the do not fear honey, he will never bring it up again, never ever ever. All he asks is that you respect his boundaries in return

He’s a very strong believer that if he has to start opening up and talking to people then you should too. Don’t be scared, it will be okay, he’s gonna be there with you, holding you hand the entire time. You can figure out this whole ‘social interaction’ thing together. One baby step at a time. And don’t worry, the both of you have plenty of time.

There will be times when boundaries get pushed, or things go too far, or a conversation take an unexpected turn, but the second that happens, he’s holding you, carrying you to his hut, and the second the two of you get there, he lets you cry for aslong as you need. He won’t let go of you, but he’ll try to do little things to ground you, like rubbing little circles on your hand or back.

Lucio

There are going to be a lot of uh...oopsies in your relationship, not because lucio doesn’t care, more because lucio cares so much that he doesn’t want to screw anything up but at the same time he also cares about attention, good or bad, and he can’t help it if he ‘accidentally’ makes him self the center of it.

He needs to work on understanding that not every one has the same interest as him, and while there are a lot of people who do, sometimes he needs a friendly reminder that the world doesn’t revolve around him. And that you hate being in the spotlight. So you never will be. Point. Blank. Period luv.

But that’s not going to stop him from talking about you to literally everyone he meets. And he isn’t just talking Nono he’s bragging about how much he loves you and how great and perfect you are, and how whoever the hell he is talking to will never have some one as perfect as you, unaware of the fact that, that alone can make your anxiety go crazy.

And ohhhh baby is he quick to apologize. He didn’t know, really. Truly. From the bottom of his heart he did t and he is so sorry. He actually starts to tear up, because he doesn’t fully understand what he did wrong, but he made you upset. He just thought that being that you weren’t there for him to ‘show off’ he could tell everyone who great he thinks you are, but from the bottom of his heart. He is sorry.

Thanks for reading! Again I’m no expert so take this with a grain of salt. And if you liked what you read you can locate my masterlist here!

Next request: main six reacting to Mc proposing to them

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readingsbylibramc · 3 years

Text

birth chart reading for @pixie94

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a locomotive shape. this means that you're a very ambitious person, with a lot of energy. jupiter has a big influence on you, and your life revolves around making experiences, opening your mind and living every day as if it were your last. the empty part of your life is what you have to develop, hence your family, romantic life, health and also your communication and thinking style.

your dominant planets are uranus, saturn and neptune. you are a very hard-working person, you're a very responsible and mature individual even though you may be a little bit moody or unpredictable. you're also extremely creative, you're always able to come up with innovative ideas.

your dominant sign is pisces. you're a genuine, caring person who loves daydreaming. it's a sort of way to escape reality, but it gives you an enormous amount of creativity. you also possess a strong intuition, which can make you have a sort of sixth sense.

your dominant element is air. in your life, you adore seeking for knowledge of any kind. you may be interested in studying different subjects, from those you study at school like science, maths, literature etc. to more unconventional ones, such as astrology, psychology, criminology and so on. you enjoy interacting with people; even if you’re not that sociable, you’ll still be interested in their point of view and their ideals, as you see it as a way to expand your own mind. you’re also interested in vintage, and you may have a retro aesthetic or just like history in general.

🌎 ascendant in taurus, 11° / 2nd decan ruled by venus and mercury

taurus is ruled by venus, the planet of beauty. therefore, you’re probably very attractive, even if not conventionally. taurus risings usually come off as introverted and shy, you’re probably not much talkative. you’re a homebody, you prefer staying at home reading a good book instead of going out and partying, even though you don’t despise hanging out with your friends either. basically, you’d rather watch a movie with them than going to the disco, for example. you’re a very patient and cautious person; because of that, you may be considered slow, and it may be true, especially in your movements. yet, you just like thinking deeply about a decision, even if it’s just about what to eat for dinner. you don’t want to have regrets. you may also be quite materialistic, and hence you’re extremely careful to how you spend your money. you don’t want to be a burden to someone else, in fact you most likely used to feel guilty to ask your parents for money when you were younger. you’d rather be independent. usually, taurus placements are quite egotistic, but I don’t think it’s exactly your case. your heavy pisces energy points out the opposite; you’re careful to who’re you generous with, but you’re not selfish. you don’t fancy flaky, insignificant relationships. you prefer having long-lasting and intense bonds, you don’t have time to waste. you’re particularly loyal, but you could become too possessive and possibly controlling of your partners or friends. you’re probably not very flexible in life, since taurus is a fixed sign; you’re particularly fond of routine and you don’t like changing it out too often. it’s hard for you to adapt to changes, so you’d rather avoid them at all. taurus risings tend to have a very youthful vibe to them, and they’re usually more on the shorter side, or at least average. I’ve also noticed that they tend to have naturally straight and silky hair. even if you don't take care of it, it’s still thick and good-looking, it looks very healthy. your eyes may be big or at least of average size, and they’re usually hooded, almond-shaped with naturally long lashes. your nose could be a button shape or a french nose but, even if it’s not, it still goes very well with your overall face. your lips are most likely full, even if not necessarily plump. you may also have a defined, distinctive cupid’s bow.

taurus ascendant square aquarius mercury: you appear as a very intelligent individual, and people may even feel intimidated by that. you love interacting with others; even if you're not much talkative, you like hearing about others' theories and opinions. you could also do that by reading blogs, books etc. you may sometimes find yourself in conflict with others, as you’re very opinionated and hate it when others’ opinions are baseless. pretty much, you could seem like a know-it-all. on the other hand, you have a nice sense of humor, you're able to light up the room with your words, even though this quality of yours may be overshadowed by introversion at first. you could take advantage of your astute words and sense of humor to get you out of troubles, though! just be careful not to claim that everything hurtful you say is a joke.

🌞 sun in pisces, 5° / 1st decan ruled by neptune

this is the most intuitive pisces decan. you understand people’s thoughts just by looking at them, it’s like you’re staring at their souls. in fact, you’re extremely empathetic, you probably find yourself being a psychologist for your friends. or maybe, you’re actually a psychologist. you’re easy-going and you have great social skills; I don’t see you being extremely extroverted, but you don’t mind hanging out with your friends. you’re amazingly creative and imaginative, you have the ability to picture your ideas. this is an amazing talent, in fact most artists have pisces placements. the downside to pisces is that I’ve noticed that, since they know they’re vulnerable, they have the tendency to lie. they don’t do it out of cruelty of course, it’s a sort way to protect their ego. you could want to be seen as bolder than you are, hence you could struggle with identity crisis, especially during your teenage years. you have your own morals and beliefs, but you could feel influenced by others to change yours. luckily, this is something that gets better with time, as you start being more aware of your persona and you start loving yourself. you're most probably a very complex individual; after all, pisces is the most 'confusing' of all the signs. you're a sort of chameleon; you act differently based on where you are and who you're with. you could be a savage with someone, an introvert with someone else. you may even feel as if there's something wrong with your mind, as you just wish you could be like others. you should focus more on pisces' positive traits, though; you're extremely compassionate and considerate. you're emotionally intelligent, and this mutability of yours could make you succeed at many different jobs in your life, as it's very easy for you to adapt to and master new things. if you work hard, you can surely succeed in anything you want.

pisces sun conjunct pisces moon: you were born on a new moon, hence the sun and the moon were in the same sign at the moment of your birth. in astrology, new moons represent fresh starts; you're the type to start lots of projects, always feeling like you need to transform yourself or your routine. you're very self-aware of your identity, as you're constantly in contact with your feelings. you may even appear as too emotional, as the sun brings all your emotions out to see. some people have their sun and moon in signs that clash together, making them confused and indecisive; this is not your case, as you act to get what you want and need. people may judge you as shallow at first, but you're definitely not. taurus people are very loyal, with strong morals and beliefs. your pisces energy is quite the opposite, but it's only a first impression; once people get to know you, they'll understand your true nature and feelings easily. you're interested in knowing more about your roots, your childhood, and also about having a family in general. when you were young, you probably were even more energetic than now. you could be the type to look nostalgically at your old pictures, and you care about your mother a lot. you're also very interested in your own culture; you're not afraid to show the world your interests, reactions and opinions. the problem with this conjunction is that the individual may become so self-sufficient at the point that doesn't let anyone interfer in their life. it's obviously a good thing to do when someone tries to hurt you, but there's the risk it may happen even with people that are trying to help you if not well-developed. another problem that comes with this mostly lovely aspect is that showing your emotions freely makes you wear your heart on your sleeve. people may take advantage of that, and try to hurt you about things that you care about deeply, as they're not hidden. last but not least, your parents' relationships might have had impact on your growth. maybe they're divorced, and one of them had to compensate for the missing parent; perhaps, one of them was highly influenced by the other. or maybe, they just had a very peaceful relationship that makes you have high standards when it comes to love.

pisces sun square sagittarius mars: you’re extremely passionate about the things you love, you strive to be perfect at them. this could make you quite competitive, as your taurus energy wants to succeed and be always right. I feel like you don’t really enjoy being in the spotlight; you’d rather avoid conflicts, or at least not be the center of them. yet, sometimes it’s hard for you not be aggressive. I don’t think it happens often, but you can be very blunt and rude if someone truly gets on your nerves. this, paired up with your aquarius mercury, makes you sort of dramatic. as long as you don’t react like this too often, I don’t think it’s a big issue though.

pisces sun square gemini jupiter: this is a hard aspect, which could make you feel even more proud of yourself due to your taurus rising. you may feel like the universe is constantly against you, especially with your pessimistic pisces dominance. you may feel unlucky, or even overindulge in things you like to cope with sadness or anger. you may have the tendency to overeat, buy useless things etc. you go from having a low self-esteem, to even looking very bossy without even realizing it. you struggle to keep your identity balanced, even though you might have not been aware of it at first. to achieve fortune and joy in life, you need to work hard for it. to do so, you have to learn your karmic lessons in this lifetime, which probably revolve around confidence issues and their impact on your interactions with others.

🌙 moon in pisces, 7° / 1st decan ruled by neptune

hands down my favourite moon sign! you're extremely empathetic and sensitive, you care a lot about others and you treat others' problems as if they were yours, you get totally immersed in them. you have quite a vivid imagination, you're able to idealize and picture anything you want. while this placement gives you an incredible amount of creativity, it can also make you uncomfortable. in fact, you may actually find yourself imagining every detail of every situation, even the worst ones. let's suppose you hear of a rape at the news; you literally start imagining the scene detail by detail, and it makes you extremely uncomfortable. actually, it literally ruins your mood, as it's as if you actually lived that scene. going back to the creativity matter, you have the soul of an artist; you have very enhanced emotions, and you're able to express them through artistic outlets. you could be amazing at writing poetry, books, art, music... also, your particular empathy of human's intellect can also make you an amazing psychologist or actress, as you're able to understand others' feelings and make them your own. you're extremely spiritual, and if you don't feel like that, you just have yet to have your spiritual awakening. you may be able to talk to spirits, for example, or perhaps you have very meaningful dreams. or maybe, you could literally predict the future through them. you're also most probably an avid daydreamer, you tend to get distracted easily because you're too busy thinking about random scenarios in your head. seriously, you could even make a movie out of them. you're also an hopeless romantic, and you dream of finding not just your spouse, but your literal soulmate. to make it simple, you want all of your daydreams to become reality.

pisces moon square sagittarius mars: your feelings are very intense. you may tend to react aggressively, or at least overreact. you feel the constant need to express your emotions, but you also want to be understood by others. you tend to be aggressive because you're actually afraid that others may be the first ones to hurt you. you don't really do it with malice, it's your way to defend yourself from eventual enemies. this placement also indicates that your childhood / family life was or will be quite turbulent. to cope with this placement, I'd suggest you to be a little bit more mechanic when you express your feelings. you don't have to hide them, just try not to vent all your anger around. you don't seem strong, you're just exposing your weaknesses in this way.

pisces moon square gemini jupiter: you enjoy making different experiences and living your life to the fullest, making you also a risk-taker. you may lack self-control, especially with your emotional pisces moon. with this trait you get bored easily, and you may have a reputation for being flaky. you tend to overindulge; you may spend too much money, or even develop eating disorders like binge-eating. at least, you're able to build your life again and have a fresh start, but you risk to get stuck in this cycle. you have the potential to master different talents, but you may struggle to develop them due to this placement. you're a procrastinator, and you find it hard to focus on more things at the same time. you may also attract people with different beliefs and ideas from you, causing you to fall out with them easily. there are also positive sides to this placement, though! you're probably naturally lucky, even though luck may not always be by your side. you have a nice sense of humor, making you more outgoing to contrast your pisces sun and moon, which make you more shy.

pisces moon square sagittarius pluto: your emotions are so intense that they almost scare those around you. in fact, you're prone to accentuated mood swings; when you're happy, you start smiling and laughing joyfully. when you're sad, you're the type to cry, scream, even throw up in some cases. that's how far you go with your emotions. maybe, you also feel repressed to express your feelings exactly for this reason. you probably also have a conservative/possessive mother (or just any member of your family), with whom you don't feel at ease expressing your emotions. or maybe, your mother was absent throughout your life. on the other hand, you can understand others' feelings, but be careful not to use it to manipulate others. you could also be very paranoid, and might develop addictions and anxiety disorders, especially with your pisces moon. if you don't feel comfortable speaking to someone you know and there's something you need to talk about, I'd suggest you to do it with a therapist. don't be afraid to face your emotions, you'll only be able to control them if you get know them.

🗣 mercury in aquarius, 15° / 2nd decan ruled by uranus and saturn

mercury is exalted in the sign of aquarius, so this is definitely a beneficial placement! you have a very distinctive way of thinking and speaking. you don't like being like others, you don't follow trends. you're probably the trendsetter, and you may find confidence and pride in your ideas and opinions. some may even define you weird, but you have very strong beliefs that could actually be helpful for the world. you're quite 'ahead' of others from this point of view, you're able to find beauty in things without being influenced by others. for example, you may follow a fashion trend before it gets viral. you are able to come up with very innovative ways of solving problems, you're extremely creative. you may even be the type to invent your own words, or perhaps you love learning and reading new words, you have a wide vocabulary. you're also probably interested in science and any darker or logical topic, you want to use your words and theories to change something in the world. you want to leave an impact, maybe even help others through your mind. you have a very witty sense of humor, you most likely speak fluent sarcasm and you're also very astute. I would say that the only problem with this placement is that you may come off as a know-it-all, especially with your taurus rising. you're proud of your intellect, you can't help but show it off, but obviously others may be jealous of you or feel attacked. for your voice, I assume you have a very particular tone, maybe even a nasal voice.

aquarius mercury square taurus saturn: this placement gives you limitations and lessons regarding the way you think and talk. it may be that you’re too shy to approach others and to say what you think, so you just don’t try. otherwise, if you actually take action and try to overcome this problem, you could get into troubles. that’s probably caused by the fact that you don’t really pay attention to your words. you may be particularly pessimistic, or maybe you lack confidence in social interactions due to these problems, which could be possibly caused by your parents, or perhaps interfer in your relationship with your family. in fact, you may argue quite often, and misunderstandings are also common. this is something that gets naturally better with time, but in order for it to happen you need to take action. you may for example start speaking more in school, perhaps you could apply for class president. anything that allows you to challenge your mind and voice, in order to make you gain experiences and become a master at it. many celebrities, once they mastered this hard aspect, got loads of success. you can do that too, you just need to work on it.

aquarius mercury conjunct aquarius neptune: you probably lose yourself in your own thoughts very often, starting daydreaming instead of doing what you have to do. you’re very creative and artistic, and you’re also able to fully convey your emotions in your words, even though it may be perceived as confusing sometimes. that’s because not everyone is as empathetic as you are. on the other hand, you may have the tendency to lie, or just being confusing in any way. you may not always express what you want crystal clear, as you want to able to modify the story just in case you encounter some hardships. also, you never truly express your feelings, probably out of fear. probably, the way you elaborate your thoughts is also influenced by your family and the impact they had on you. you’re always vague, and you keep your private matters for yourself. you are very intuitive, and you may even have some sort of psychic talent. you could do well at reading tarots, birth charts etc, you do have potential.

❤️ venus in aries, 14° / 2nd decan ruled by mars and the sun

with venus in aries, loving you is an adventure. you enjoy fun, exciting relationships. you're the type who's looking for a risktaker, even dangerous partner. you hate boredom, and this may be your weakness regarding this placement; that is, once the relationship starts getting more serious, you feel as if it's going down, when it's actually the opposite. hence, you just run towards a new adventure. this placement may even give you the reputation of being a player, but I don't think it's your case based on your others placements. you have to understand that relationships can get boring, but that's not necessarily a red flag. it just means you two are starting to feel comfortable together. you also enjoy physical contact, therefore cold partners are a no no for you. you need someone who's affectionate yet bold, and that would spoil you with attention and gifts. you enjoy the little things about love, such as remembering your anniversary or even giving you small presents, especially if they're homemade (like breakfast, poems etc.). you also try to avoid flaky people, as you don't like making relationships seem too light.

☄️ mars in sagittarius, 4° / 1st decan ruled by jupiter

you are driven by a strong sense of justice that makes you want to discover the truth. you hate lies of any kind, you want sincerity from those around you and you're the first to be constantly honest. you value your freedom a lot, your life motto is most likely 'live and let live'. you think everyone should live their lives by their own standards, without feeling afraid of being judged or criticized. you're a very pure and genuine person, you hardly ever judge a book by its cover, and you're also extremely open-minded. you're thirsty for knowledge of any kind, you're always up to learn something new. you may also be interested in foreign languages and cultures, as well as philosophy, literature... anything that can teach you something new about the world. you may be quite impulsive, and when you get angry you tend to be very blunt. you may say things that hurt others, as you're brutally honest, even though that wasn't your intention. you may also appear as flaky, since you don't like feeling tied to something or someone. you could often change your favourite colour, food, singer... you despise boredom, and your need for freshness may also manifest in your relationships.

sagittarius mars opposite gemini jupiter: you easily come off as more assertive and arrogant than you actually are. you say things impulsively, and sometimes you’re too blunt and hurt people’s feelings. you don’t do it on purpose, though, there’s no malice behind your acts; it’s just your natural way to express your opinions. you’re also very competitive, and this may make you look selfish. on a positive side, you probably have a naturally nice body (or maybe you react fast to diet/workout). you’re a risk-taker, and if you’re not you should try breaking the rules sometimes (obviously not doing illegal stuff lol). in fact, it’s when you’re both physically and mentally active that you’re able to come up with even better ideas, as you’re full of creativity. to cope with this placement, you can try doing something fun to challenge your mind, basically get out of your comfort-zone. of course you don’t have to overdo it, but it would be beneficial.

sagittarius mars square taurus saturn: this is another placement that indicates that something or someone is trying to restrict you, they're trying to prevent you from following your dreams and taking your own choices for your life. that someone is most likely an individual that has a lot on impact on you, it's someone very authoritative. or perhaps, it may even be a bully or abuser of any sort or just your insecurity to hold you back. as a result, you either rebel and get extremely angry, or you hide all of your disappointment inside of you. but soon or after, all of your intense feelings are going to eat you alive if you keep going like this, it's a very unhealthy behaviour. you could find it extra hard to achieve your goals, as when you try you always come across some hardships. what matters the most, is that you try to be more positive, you could even try manifesting more patience or serenity. you can't hold onto anger so much, or it will just fill you with negativity that could damage you. let it all go, focus on your goals and try to understand how to be more patient. in fact, you may often feel like you need to do everything as soon as possible, when it's not like that. you can allow yourself to be more calm and live life as it comes, it will make you feel much better with yourself and you'll also get more mature, which is crucial to learn your saturnian lessons and increase your self-confidence.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in taurus. you have a slow, cautious approach to the world. you don’t like rushing things, you prefer taking your time on any decision you make, it doesn’t matter whether it’s about what to wear or even about your future career. you’re fond of arts, creativity and self-expression in general, and people may actually know you for your creativity. jupiter and saturn are also sitting in this house. you have an incredible charm to you; people with jupiter in their 1st giuse are surely very talented at something; maybe, at school you are one of the best students, and everyone recognizes it and appreciates you for that; people understand your potential, and you may often receive compliments for your skills. basically, your personality is charismatic. during your early years you could be feeling insecure, especially when it comes to your appearance due to saturn also being placed in this house. you always feel like you're not enough, and that you constantly have to improve yourself to be accepted. this gets better with time, though. physically, you're probably very attractive and don't realize it! especially with your taurus rising. possibly, you could have a defined facial structure with high cheekbones, and your body could be more on the soft, feminine side with more curves to it. you may also have something bit to your face or body, such as wide hips, a wide forehead, a prominent nose or big eyes.

your 2nd house is in gemini. you’re probably very intelligent, and your skills are what boost your self-esteem. you’re also capable of doing more than one thing at the same time. you could make money from communication, hence you could become a writer, a singer, a theraphist, a judge, even an influencer. anything that involves the use of words. you may also be quite intelligent, and your intellect and ideas are what make you feel most confident. the ruler of the 2nd house is in the 10th house: your career will most likely allow you to earn a great income, you could actually become very wealthy thanks to your job. you may also work in an artistic/creative field or in a place related to money, such as a bank for example.

your 3rd house is in cancer. your parents were probably successful in school and university, and they passed down their knowledge to you. maybe, you may have the same interests or passions as them, or perhaps they want you to be academically successful just like them. you may also find yourself talking about your memories, as you’re very attached to them, or even directly about your childhood/parents. the ruler of the 3rd house is in the 11th house: your goals may involve communication. you may want to become a writer of any kind, a teacher, a translator, a singer... anything that allows you to use your voice and / or your thoughts and words. possibly, you could have made lots of friends at school as well with this placement. most of your friends live near you, and you share the same ideals, interests and cultural background as well.

your 4th house's cusp falls in cancer again. you're grateful for your family. in fact, you probably still live near them, maybe in the same city. you had a very nurturing family that cared about your needs, they always made sure that you had everything you needed. your family had great expectations of you, which could eventually led to anxiety/self-esteem issues. on the other hand, your parents cared about you, and they always made sure they let you have everything you needed. if you have siblings, you were most likely the favourite child in the family, or at least you were spoiled by your parents, both with material things and affection. overall, your childhood wasn’t much turbulent.

your 5th house is in leo. you're certainly very creative! you're most likely full of life and inspiration, and when you're at your best state you're able to let all of this creativity of yours out. you may have some creative talent, such as acting, drawing, writing, etc. you probably also enjoy going out and having parties, not necessarily in crowded places but even just with your close circle of friends. you could make friends easily, and even though you may be into gossip and rumors, you try to avoid them. in fact, you could be quite chatty and often come off as michievous for what you may say. even though you look very open to getting to know new people, you're secretly very picky about who you call your friends, or even when choosing a partner. you always try to be perfect, and hence you want someone that looks and tries just like you do. the ruler of the 5th house is in the 11th house: this placement indicates that a hobby of yours is a long-term goal for you. let's suppose you like fashion; you may want to find a job in that industry. or perhaps, if you like dancing you could end up becoming a dancer, and so on. you may also date lots of your friends, or perhaps it could be that you need to befriend people before getting into a relationship with them.

your 6th house is in virgo. you care about your duties, hence your job plays a crucial role in your day-to-day life. you are very organized, you like to have everything under control and as a result you are very efficient. you're also fond of your health, and you try to take as much care as possible of it, to the point that you could even become obsessed with it. in fact with this placement, you must be careful to not be pessimistic, or it will most probably mess you up, you could get stressed very easily. regarding health, you may often experience pain and problems to your stomach and digestive system.

your 7th house is in scorpio, with also your mars sitting there. you tend to attract very intense partners. your future spouse will be very loyal and fond of you, but they may be a little too obssessed with you. it will be a very intimate relationship, but you may struggle with control. in fact, you’ll most likely be both very possessive and easily jealous, and there may be some arguments regarding this issue. with this placement, you may also attract ‘broken’ people, such as drug dealers, alcoholics, abusers… yet, as I’ve already mentioned, you also have the moon in this house, which makes you luckier when it comes to love. you’ll most likely avoid this type of people, but your relationships will still be very karmic. they may be painful, as you love hard when you fall for someone, but they’ll be crucial for your self-growth. once you find someone right for you, they'll feel like family to you, as if you've known them forever. you'll be able to feel extremely comfortable and free with them. mars here indicates that you need independence, and you’re able to stand up for yourself on your own. you don’t need someone else to help you. you tend to attract partners in your life that are hot-headed, stubborn, assertive and goal-oriented. they strive to be the best at everything they do, they’re extremely competitive and willing to do anything to achieve their goals. basically, you attract very dominant partners, but you don’t want to be dominated or controlled. you may often experience power struggles between you and your partner, which cause you issues in every relationship you get in. at the same time, you wouldn’t stand someone too submissive either, as you still need someone that would mentally stimulate you. they may actually be quite selfish and self-centered, they’ll care more about their own development rather than that of you two as a couple.

your 8th house is in sagittarius, with also pluto placed there. you’re very curious when it comes to taboo topics, you like learning about them. you’re probably into conspiracy theories, as well as matters like astrology, tarots, horror, tragedies, mystery... you can use them to transform yourself and grow up, so you could definitely use this birth chart reading to improve yourself. 8th house is also the house of karma, and yours is kind of strange. you may often feel like you’re right about something, e.g the sky is blue. you’re very proud of your observation, but then it turns out to be different. it’s like the universe is constantly teaching you new things. luckily, this is something that gets better with time. in addition, having sagittarius here is great, as jupiter kind of protects you from the 8th house’s malefic themes. all the negative things that could happen to you, are actually blessings that are here to help you. you just need to be a little bit more optimistic, the universe has your back.

your 9th house is in capricorn. you have a pragmatic approach to philosophy, school and experiences in general. for example, you may be the type to plan every day of a travel. at school, you were probably the type to prefer more logical subjects, but I assume that you were good at all of them. yet, you may often get lost in your thoughts and get unmotivated from time to time. you’re also extremely open-minded, you hardly ever have prejudices. you surely don’t judge people from their sexuality, skin colour etc, you actually dislike that kind of things. the ruler of the 9th house is in the 1st house: you may come off as a very approachable and easy-going person! possibly, people could mistake you for a foreigner, it could be that you have certain characteristics of your appearance that make you look more 'exotic' or just foreign in general.

your 10th house is in capricorn, with also neptune and mercury. capricorn in the house cusp makes you very responsible and goal-oriented, you probably care a lot about your future. it may take you a while to reach success, you need to work hard, but the universe has your back; you can be sure that if you put effort into something, you'll gain lots of success. with neptune here you may be unsure of your future career, or at least indecisive. you may want to do different things, or maybe you have completely no idea. hopefully, the rest of the reading will shed some light on you. you may become a doctor of any kind, especially a psychologist. you may also work in the creative, artistic field, e.g you could be an artist, a writer, a musician etc. creativity looks crucial for you by your chart, and as I've already mentioned above you'll most likely turn a hobby into a job. having a successful career is your ultimate goal in life, and due to mercury it will most probably include communication and mind stimulaton of any sort. it’s pretty much the source of your confidence and energy, what your life revolves around. you may work as a writer for instance, you're probably going to communicate something. you may also do well in the fashion/beauty industry.

your 11th house is in aquarius, with also uranus, the sun and the moon placed there. you love working in groups, especially if you're the leader. once someone becomes special to you, you'll do anything to protect them. you may have an unconventional group of friends; for instance, you may have a particular style that makes you all stand out. or perhaps, your friendships may be quite inpredictable, for example you may argue out of the blue with no specific reason. in addition, this placement also indicates that you may have lots of online friends. with the moon in this house, you must be very unpredictable. you’re the type to change your mind often, probably because you’re constantly coming up with new thoughts and theories since you’re so intellectually active. this placement, considering that it’s also in the sign of pisces, makes you extremely spiritual. you may have some sort of psychic talent, or at least you’re just very intuitive. you’re interested in finding out the truth in the world, and you’re willing to dive deep to uncover it. the ruler of the 11th house is in the 11th house. that’s an extremely powerful placement! you have the ruler of the house of fame and goals in its natural place, hence you’d definitely do well as a celebrity. this placement, in fact, is common among some of the most famous, richest celebrities out there, like johnny depp, angelina jolie, kylie jenner, etc. obviously, this doesn’t mean that it’s exactly your fate! the choice is still up to you, but your chart indicates that you’d definitely do well in the spotlight, even though I feel like you probably prefer staying in your comfort-zone with your pisces moon.

lastly, your 12th house is in pisces. your dreams are pretty meaningful; you may have very vivid and lucid dreams, you could daydream a lot and you may even struggle to focus at a certain point, you easily have your head in the clouds. you could also feel drawn to spirituality, so you may get closer to astrology, tarots, meditation, yoga, chakras and so on. or perhaps, you may be a very religious person. you also have venus sitting in this house: you’re hopelessly romantic, to the point that you almost look naive. you’re not simply looking for a partner or spouse, you’re looking for a soulmate; someone you can literally communicate with just using your eyes, someone that knows how to make you feel even messier on the inside. you like to nurture and feel nurtured in a relationship. your ideal lover would be sensitive and empathetic, yet still with a sort of rebel vibe to them. this placement is indeed very lovely, but it has its downsides too, of course. the problem is, the 12th house, therefore pisces, makes you idealize your crushes/partners way too much, to the point that you create an image of someone in your head that turns out to be the opposite at the end. you ignore your partner’s flaws, as they seem perfect to you. pisces also attracts 'broken’ persons, so you may be prone to find yourself people with any kind of illness or addiction. you also have the tendency to fall for people who may hurt you because they’re unavailable, either physically or emotionally. you could possibly also crush on celebrities, movie characters etc. that’s because you’re more the type to fall in love with love, rather than with the actual person. your 12th house’s ruler is in the 10th house: getting in touch with your hidden, subconscious and higher self will be crucial to help you grow up and gain success. you may be interested in topics like astrology, psychology etc. most likely to get to know yourself, but your chart points out that you could easily turn these hobbies into a job! or perhaps, you may have a reputation for being secretive, you may not say much about yourself in professional relationships.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love you attract scorpio, gemini, leo and aries. your future spouse will most likely have aries and gemini traits; they’ll be extremely intelligent and astute, with a great thrist for knowledge of any kind. yet, they’ll also have a warm, soft, almost childish vibe to them that will make you feel like a teenager again. you’ll most likely meet them in your natal country they’ll also be probably older than you. your children will have cancer and leo traits as well: they’ll be extremely intelligent and witty, maybe a bit too paranoid and moody, but also very fond of their parents, especially of you. they’ll love playing around, but they could be a bit immature. they’ll also love being spoiled with affection, as well as material things.

👶🏻 family life

your mother was very maternal with you, and she probably had cancer/water placements probably even leo. yet, she could've been quite selfish and close-minded at times, but you still have a good relationship with her. your father was also very dominant in your family, and he is probably older than your mother. he's possibly a capricorn or another earth sign, or perhaps he may have virgo, gemini or pisces placements in his chart. if you have feelings, you have a very special bold with them; if they're older than you, you may act as their parent and viceversa, it's a very nurturing relationship.

📊 career

your venus makes multiple major aspects with your midheaven which represents career in a birth chart. as a result, you are probably naturally skilled at arts. you may have an eye for aesthetics, and hence you would do well in the fashion industry or as a creative director of any kind. you may also work as a makeup artist or a hairdresser, anything that revolves around beauty could make you successful, and you may be able to open your own business. and again, you would also do amazing in a creative field; you could be a writer, a singer, a dancer, an artist, a photographer, etc. you communicate something through your job, or perhaps you may work with people. for instance, especially since neptune is also in the 10th house, you may end up becoming some sort of healer, such as a doctor, a nurse, a therapist, and so on.

👚 fashion sense, style analysis

you probably love clothes that can show and enhance your body. you may love wearing crop tops, skirts, bralettes, shorts... anything that leaves a part of your body uncovered, yet that still looks elegant and classy. you could also enjoy baggy clothes, paired with fancy accessories and heels. for colors, you go from wearing bold colours like red, burgundy and neon, to darker shades like black, dark blue etc. you probably also love neutral shades, like kaki, beige and so on.

👁 past life, life purpose

during this lifetime, it is probably easy for you to get out of your comfort-zone. you don't mind learning, making new experiences and challenging yourself, but this lifetime you don't need to go that far. you need to prove that what you learned in your past life is the key to nurture your skills, and be able to apply them in a smaller environment. you may find yourself travelling a lot, gaining lots of widsom from your experiences... in this lifetime, you basically need to learn through the experiences you gained in your previous life to communicate your thoughts. you need to understand how to communicate who you are to the world.

🤔 major transits analysis / may 20

you could be feeling quite insecure in these days, as transit sun is conjunct your natal saturn. you could lack self-esteem when it comes to your looks, as this conjunction happens in your 1st house. with uranus being also conjunct your ascendant, I feel like this year you could be changing something about your appearance, maybe your body or your hairstyle for example. you could feel uncomfortable with the change at first, but at least it's gonna pay off, as your natal sun is conjunct transit jupiter. even though you may have to work hard for your goals, you are going to achieve anything you wish.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

with your water placements, you probably have a 6th sense. you’re able to manifest what you want if you subconsciously predict it, even though it may be hard. you’d have to get in touch with your higher self to do so, and hence I would suggest you to light up some candles and meditate for a bit before manifesting, in this way it will be way more effective. you may manifest something while daydreaming, for example. or perhaps, you can also try listening to your own affirmations while you sleep, as you won’t be consciously aware of that. it’s probably the most effective way.

and this is the end! thank you again for booking a reading, I hope it resonated with you :)

libramc xx

#astrology

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elyvorg · 4 years

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Kaito Momota: How ADHD Can Be

It’s about time I properly shared a take of mine that I never really talk about in my usual analysis posts, which is my very firm headcanon that Kaito has ADHD. While this is partly thanks to me having ADHD myself, self-indulgence is far from the only thing making me think this. There are so many reasons why this makes every single bit of sense, and this post is going to talk about all of them.

And, see, I don’t want to alienate anyone by having them think I’m about to present an interpretation of Kaito that looks nothing like the Kaito we know, because that’s not it at all. I’m here to talk about how so many of the things that were already abundantly true about him also happen to fit perfectly with ADHD. Really, you could think of it more as me talking about how ADHD actually looks a lot more like Kaito than most people might have realised.

After all, ADHD is a frustratingly misrepresented disorder that’s way more complex and interesting than most people are aware. So not only does it make a huge amount of sense to see Kaito as ADHD, it’s also just genuinely fascinating to think that this could be influencing how his mind works and the way he reacts to things throughout the story. Imagining that Kaito has ADHD could never make him any less Kaito, but I do think it makes him yet another layer of interesting on top of everything else he already has going on.

So even if you don’t have any personal investment in ADHD yourself, I hope you can follow along with me for this. There’s a lot of fun stuff to talk about here.

(Since ADHD is so horribly misrepresented that I can’t expect the average person to know what it really involves, this post is also going to include something of a whirlwind explanation of ADHD itself, in order to help people better appreciate why all these things about Kaito are potentially ADHD things. With that said, obvious disclaimer: I am not remotely a mental health professional, just someone with self-diagnosed ADHD who’s read up a lot about it. Some of this will be from things I’ve read, and some of this will be from my own experiences that I’m now pretty sure are an ADHD thing. My descriptions of these symptoms are likely to be somewhat oversimplified because I’m focusing on explaining this headcanon rather than explaining ADHD itself, so please don’t take this as a definitely-100%-accurate ADHD resource. I’m happy if this can raise awareness of what ADHD is really like, but you should look elsewhere to learn more.)

Hyperfixations

One major thing that ought to be more commonly known about ADHD is that it’s really not a lack of attention; it’s an inability to properly control where our attention goes. It’s been described as an “interest-based nervous system” – we’ll involuntarily focus on whatever seems most interesting to us in any given moment, regardless of its objective importance.

This plus a reduced amount of dopamine receptors means that when we manage to find something that gives us a lot of dopamine, ie, is fun and engaging to think about, we cannot stop thinking about it even if we wanted to. Our entire lives will begin to revolve around this Thing that we enjoy, thinking about it, doing things related to it and consuming more information on it to get as much of that sweet dopamine as possible. This can often be to the detriment of everything else, including more objectively important matters, because who cares about that stuff when Thing is the best thing ever!?

As an example: as you might imagine, I have been hyperfixated on DRV3 and especially on Kaito for over two years now. I have not been able to stop thinking about Kaito even when I’m supposed to be doing other things, and there’s literally nothing that’s more fun for me right now than sharing all these thoughts of mine with other people. We also love to infodump about our hyperfixations to anyone who’ll listen, after all. That’s precisely why this post exists, along with many more like it on both my blogs.

SPACE

So, this is perhaps one of the most easy-to-spot signs that Kaito might be ADHD. Because, man, he really loves space. Sure, any astronaut would have at least some level of interest in it, but Kaito is so obsessed with space that he introduces himself with a grandiose space-themed title, wears a galaxy print on his slippers and the inside of his jacket, and simply couldn’t wait for a college degree and had to make sure he got up there as fast as possible.

Granted, it’s not like Kaito talks about space 100% of the time. He is stuck in a killing game, after all, which is also kind of important to pay attention to. But, still, no matter what more-objectively-important things they can push themselves to focus on when necessary, there’s always a part of an ADHDer’s brain that’s near-constantly thinking about their hyperfixation anyway and will take any opportunity to bring it up and make things about that if they possibly can. And, well, Kaito still talks about space quite a lot considering that he’s in a life-or-death situation that doesn’t have anything to do with space at all (at least, as far as he knows for most of the story).

There’s one delightful bit of white noise I absolutely love in a debate in trial 4 where Gonta is suggesting a vehicle could have crossed the river. Someone responds to this with “Like a rocket?”, despite the fact that, A, there were obviously none of those in the Virtual World, and B, you don’t use those to cross rivers. Kaito, you dork, now is not the time. But of course now’s the time, there is always time to be thinking about space-related things, no matter how impractical and irrelevant it might be. Someone has been murdered, everyone else’s lives are on the line – not to mention his illness and the huge pile of inferiority issues he’s struggling with at this point in the story – yet amongst all that, Kaito’s brain still found time to go, “hey, speaking of vehicles, aren’t rockets the coolest!?” And… yeah, that’s genuinely what hyperfixations are like.

Then there’s the time Kaito asked Maki what her favourite spaceship was, like this is just an obvious go-to conversation starter in his mind, because of course he has a favourite spaceship. He has thought a lot about his favourite spaceship (or spaceships; let’s be real, there’s probably several that he thinks are SO COOL and might call his favourite depending on the circumstances) and could fill ages talking about nothing but that. Even though he knows this conversation ought to be making its way towards helping Maki open up about her past – this is one of his training sessions, after all! – there is still a part of Kaito that really just wants to talk about space, because a part of him always wants to talk about space.

We can see this as well in multiple FTE invitation dialogues (those brief lines describing how they hung out before the actual event starts) in which Kaito apparently spends it talking to Kaede or Shuichi about space, just because he can. There’s also several of his hangouts in the Salmon Team bonus mode where Shuichi’s suggestion of what to do doesn’t really have anything to do with space, but Kaito finds a way to make it about space anyway. ADHD minds are hyper-associative and make connections between concepts very easily – and, naturally, they’re particularly liable to make connections to the thing that the mind is already spending the majority of its time thinking about. So it’s really not so surprising or remarkable at all that Kaito can find ways to make even seemingly-totally-unrelated topics about space somehow, not if he’s ADHD.

(…To be fair, a particular fixation on a certain topic to the point of repeatedly bringing it up when it’s not called for isn’t necessarily that uncommon among Danganronpa characters, what with their talents. But hey, that doesn’t have to make Kaito any less likely to be ADHD. Rather, it would actually make sense for Ultimate students to have a higher than average proportion of ADHDers among them, since an ADHD-fuelled level of intense interest in a thing is more likely to make someone become hugely talented at it out of accumulated knowledge and practice. I’ve been increasingly thinking that Kaede could perhaps be ADHD, too, for example. But that’s not for this post; we’re talking about Kaito here.)

The longevity of space

ADHDers will generally go through many different hyperfixations throughout their life, sometimes one at a time, sometimes somehow managing to juggle more than one. An individual hyperfixation tends to last anywhere between a few weeks to a few years depending on its intensity and the longevity of the topic, but it’s rare for it to be more than that. Usually, sooner or later, the overwhelming passion for the thing will wear itself out.

And admittedly, Kaito’s passion for space has been there since he was a kid and never faded – and never will, of course! – which is far more persistent than most hyperfixations tend to be. But then again, there’s so many different things related to space for him to get excited about! Hyperfixations fade either when something else comes along that’s more exciting because it’s new and fresh, or when you’ve squeezed every last possible drop of dopamine out of it such that it no longer holds quite the same thrill. But with a topic as vast as space, there’s always more to learn to keep the excitement fresh, especially now that Kaito’s an astronaut trainee and is really on the front line of new space knowledge and technologies and is actually going to get there himself one day!

Besides, it’s not like ADHDers’ hyperfixations are completely outside of their control. My own hyperfixation on V3 and Kaito would probably have faded ages ago if I hadn’t kept it going by constantly making more content about it such as this. And similarly, there’s no way Kaito would have wanted to let go of his passion for space, not if he had any say in it himself, so he’d have done whatever he could to keep it burning during the times when the spark maybe wasn’t quite there as much. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable that Kaito could have remained hyperfixated on space for so unusually long and still be showing no signs of stopping. We all know how stubborn he is.

(House plants)

Kaito has probably had a few other, lesser hyperfixations alongside his lifelong passion for space. For example, I like to think that his fondness for house plants, according to his report card, is to such an extent that he was once hyperfixated on them. (This would have been for reasons that totally don’t bear a suspicious resemblance to other things he cares about.) I doubt he’s currently hyperfixating on them at the moment – at no point does he ever try to shift the conversation to being about house plants unprompted – but that wouldn’t stop him from still being generally fond of them and retaining all of the “useless” information he learned about them back when he was obsessed. One very rarely ever stops caring about a hyperfixation topic entirely; rather, the fixation just fades and the topic becomes no longer constantly on someone’s mind. I’m sure Kaito still could and would talk your ear off about house plants just as much as he would about space if you happened to get him started.

People

More importantly, though, I think that another of Kaito’s less obvious and intense hyperfixations – but still a very long-lasting one that’s active right now – could be, simply, people. Just, people in general: their flaws and complexities and differences, all the many ways in which they can communicate and work together, and the amazing potential they have to achieve great things if they do so. Kaito is so passionate about this stuff and has so many fully-formed opinions on things of this nature that make it seem like he’s spent a lot of his free time thinking about this, just because he can. Maybe he began to get interested in it after realising that communication and teamwork is important for an astronaut – but it also reads to me like Kaito is into this kind of stuff not because he needs to be for the sake of getting into space, but simply because he finds it genuinely fascinating and couldn’t stop thinking about it even if he had to. (Which would also help keep him interested in space, because it’s intrinsically linked to this other topic that Kaito finds fascinating!)

And within this, Kaito definitely hyperfixates in particular on his sidekicks. Once he’s made someone into his sidekick, which functionally means that he’s going to devote himself to supporting them through their issues and helping them reach their potential, he really devotes himself. It’s his hyperfixation on people in general, but concentrated on a specific person(s) that he can have a direct and tangible impact on, which means even more to him than just his feelings about how awesome and fascinating humanity is as a whole.

Kaito is really, really good at supporting his sidekicks, after all. He spends so much time, even when he’s not around them, thinking about what their problems are and the best ways he can help them. He was clearly eyeing up both Shuichi and Maki as potential sidekicks at least a day or two before actually acting on it and inviting them to training, as if he was trying to gauge exactly what their struggles were and how best to help before jumping right in. He approaches helping each of them in very different ways, making it clear that he’s specifically thought about who they are and the best tactics to help them individually instead of just carelessly using the same old script each time. On more than one occasion, he drops something on them one morning – the nickname “Maki Roll”, and the “bonus” training that becomes the katana scene – that he hadn’t mentioned at all the previous night, meaning that he’d been thinking further about how to keep helping them while on his own overnight.

So it seems to me like maybe it’s not just his selflessness, or his somewhat unhealthy co-dependency (more on that later, actually) that makes Kaito so good at this. I don’t think he could even stop thinking about helping his sidekicks if he tried. Figuring out how to help another human being grow and change and reach their full potential is so fascinating and engaging and rewarding to him that how could he ever not be compelled to do that as much as he possibly can?

The price of caring

This does, however, come with a downside. Because Kaito is fixating so strongly and uncontrollably on supporting his sidekicks, because doing that matters so much to him, it’s only going to hurt him more when he begins to feel like he’s failing at it. He can’t just brush something like that off as not really a big deal, because of course it’s a big deal. It’s everything to him, and it’s literally not possible for him to make himself feel like it isn’t.

It’s just as bad as if space suddenly twisted and became painful to think about somehow. Which… I guess that actually kind of happens too, when Kaito starts to realise that he’s never going to make it up there. And he can’t deal with that by trying to tell himself it was never that important, either, because space is always important to him. Even if he wanted to switch that part of his brain off or ignore it to help himself cope, he just couldn’t.

Caring so intensely about things feels amazing and makes a person wonderfully passionate, but it can also be a double-edged sword.

(Executive dysfunction?)

One big negative side to ADHD is that it tends to cause executive dysfunction, which, to massively oversimplify it, more or less means the profound inability to get yourself to do things that you know you’re supposed to be perfectly able to do. That interest-based nervous system does not do well with motivating us to do tasks that are objectively important but aren’t interesting or fun to actually carry out, resulting in a mental block that can appear to the outside observer like wilful laziness, even though it really, really isn’t.

This appears to be one part of ADHD that Kaito manages to avoid having to deal with. (He may superficially seem “lazy” during training, but that has nothing to do with his brain and everything to do with his body and the fact that he’s sick and doesn’t want anyone to know.) But I think that’s mostly because none of the reasons that ADHD causes executive dysfunction actually apply in the killing game.

One of the few things other than interest that motivates an ADHD brain is urgency – suddenly they can do that boring essay they’ve been putting off when the deadline is tonight, showing remarkable speed and focus in a fit of nervous anxiety over the potential consequences of turning it in late. And there’s plenty of literal do-or-die urgency to motivate Kaito during the killing game, so there’s no way he’d ever not be motivated to do what he feels he needs to do to help everyone there. Plus, the things he’s trying to do involve helping people, something he inherently finds interesting, so he’d be motivated for those reasons anyway even if it wasn’t quite so life-threateningly vital that he does so.

(Kaito is a bit flakier and liable to miss important details during the investigations and trials, mind you. This might be because, while the urgency of “if we don’t solve the case we die” is looming over him, the actual details of the case aren’t something that instinctively feels urgent or that he inherently finds interesting, so it’s harder for him to pay proper attention and take it all in even when he’s trying to. Kaito has plenty of intelligence in a lot of ways, but his brain is evidently not wired for investigations and deductions like Shuichi’s is – he’s perfectly capable of following Shuichi’s logic and understanding it, but not of figuring any of that stuff out himself in the first place. This could partly be down to Kaito having ADHD and just not being interested enough in these particular kinds of mental exercises to be able to get his brain to focus on them as much as he’d need to in order to solve them.)

I also don’t think executive dysfunction would have got in Kaito’s way much during his regular life before the killing game. (You know, if he’d actually had one, but let’s pretend for now that he did.) Motivation issues can be helped a lot by an externally-imposed structure telling you what you need to do and when, which is why a lot of ADHD people don’t even notice any problems while they’re in a school system and only fall apart once they’re adults and are suddenly expected to structure their own life. Kaito’s astronaut training would definitely give him plenty of structure to work from so that he always knew what he needed to do and never had this issue. It’s also really challenging, which is another thing that helps keep ADHD people interested and motivated. And while the actual end goal of getting to space is far-off enough that it wouldn’t be able to work as a direct motivator to an ADHD brain (we are bad at things with delayed gratification), everything Kaito’s learning would still be related to space and communication and teamwork, so he’d be interested in learning all of it simply for its own sake.

Emotional hyperarousal

Another big defining feature of ADHD that isn’t nearly as well-known as it ought to be is that it amplifies emotions to a far greater intensity than those of neurotypical people. ADHDers’ feelings and reactions are naturally bigger and louder and just more than most people’s – which sounds a lot like Kaito, doesn’t it? He’s always larger than life, energetic and passionate about everything, not just his specific hyperfixations. Look at how excited he gets about just seeing snow! And he has so much enthusiasm for so much else, too – as he puts it: “there’s nothing unnecessary in this world!” When Kaito feels things, he feels them full-throttle, with no half-measures, which is just how Kaito would always want things to be!

…But, whether he likes it or not, that also applies to the painful feelings just as much as the good ones.

Emotional dysregulation

Kaito can often be very reactionary and get unnecessarily riled up over minor things that don’t really warrant such a dramatic response. If you think about it, this isn’t really something he’d want to do, because he’s always trying to stay positive and keep people on his side. So apparently it’s something he simply can’t help, as if his brain is just wired to make him more liable to do that.

If even minor slights can cause an overreaction like that from an ADHD brain, then imagine how much worse it is when the stimulus is something genuinely worth being upset over. That already-painful emotion gets amplified to even greater levels, to the point that it can be almost unbearable. People with ADHD can often have a more difficult time dealing with things, not necessarily because they’re emotionally weaker, but because they simply feel things harder than most other people do.

Kaito goes through a lot of emotional pain throughout the story – and he’s really pretty bad at dealing with it all. He basically has only two not-very-healthy methods for doing so. One is to try to ignore it entirely by focusing on something more positive, which on its own could be put down to his desire to come across as an invincible hero who can inspire people. So this particular unhealthy tactic doesn’t necessarily mean that he wouldn’t be able to properly deal with these emotions if he actually stopped being an idiot and tried to.

However, Kaito’s second unhealthy coping mechanism is to turn the pain into anger – sometimes to the point of lashing out in ways he doesn’t mean to. Punching Shuichi at the end of the first trial is very much caused by Kaito being unable to contain his pain over Kaede’s death rather than any controlled attempt to push Shuichi forward, since he regrets it and apologises for it the next morning. And then the agonising truth that Gonta killed someone is even harder for Kaito to bear, leading to him lashing out at Shuichi again in what was very much desperate pain-fuelled anger with no rational basis for it. Unlike with simply hiding his pain, lashing out like this is not something Kaito would ever want to do; it’s not exactly very heroic of him, after all. So this suggests that there’s more to Kaito’s bad coping mechanisms than just him trying to appear strong and not worry people – that sometimes the pain gets so unbearably intense that ignoring it isn’t possible and he just can’t deal with it and loses control of himself.

Uncontrollable bouts of rage can be a common problem that comes with ADHD because of the amplified emotions and difficulty properly regulating them – and it’s definitely a problem Kaito suffers from, too. That part of Kaito that lets him get so wonderfully passionate in helping everyone around him might well be exactly the same part of him that simply cannot handle it when he realises Gonta murdered someone and leads to him lashing out at his best friend.

Moping (…not a technical term)

…Okay, I just said Kaito has only two unhealthy coping mechanisms for painful emotions, but maybe there’s also kind of a third: unconstructively moping about it. This doesn’t sound like Kaito at all – he frequently gives others advice about not doing exactly that – but he can actually be seen falling into doing so a couple of times if you look closely.

In chapter 2, when Ryoma’s behaviour bothers him for all the wrong reasons and he has no intent of actually doing something about it, Kaito really should be just trying not to think about it at all and focusing on something more constructive like helping Shuichi. However, the places he hangs out in for his chapter 2 FTEs and his invitation dialogues indicate that he spends a whole three FTE slots just brooding unhelpfully about the state Ryoma’s in. This is definitely not something he wants to be doing, since he hastily changes the subject if Shuichi hangs out with him.

And in case 4’s investigation, after Shuichi’s cell phone experiment makes Kaito feel useless and unneeded (he thought Shuichi needed his help! – but, no, turns out he actually really didn’t), the pain of that feeling noticeably lingers with him for most of the rest of the investigation. He’s in enough of a bad mood about it afterwards that Maki notices it through his less-expressive virtual avatar, and he doesn’t even come with her to call Shuichi back from the rooftop and just logs out on his own in a sulk. Then he also ends up explicitly unaware in the trial of some of the information Monotaro shared with the whole group once they’d logged out, meaning he was apparently still too wrapped up in feeling useless to be paying proper attention.

(And these are the two examples of Kaito doing this that are noticeable thanks to subtle clues in his behaviour – but since Kaito would obviously never draw attention to it, maybe he actually does this a lot more than those two times and we just can’t normally see it.)

See, another thing about emotional dysregulation – plus the difficulty in controlling the focus of your attention that comes with ADHD – is that it can be hard to stop yourself from thinking endlessly about painful things, even when you very much don’t want to be thinking about them. I once saw a tumblr post describing ADHD as Chronic Cannot Leave It Alone Disorder, and I can confirm that, yes, this is very frustratingly accurate, for the bad things as well as the good. It’s possible that Kaito’s advice about not moping when you could be doing something to make a difference might have originated for himself, to try and mitigate his brain’s tendency to do this. But while I imagine this helped quite a bit in letting him control his thoughts and stay focused on the positives, it appears that, despite his best efforts, it still doesn’t always work.

Impulsiveness

The Primarily-Hyperactive subtype of ADHD (aka the one that’s definitely the subtype Kaito has, for obvious reasons) is sometimes called Hyperactive-Impulsive type, because impulsiveness tends to be a big part of it, too. I think this is kind of a combination of emotional hyperarousal and inability to control attention – the impulse to Do A Thing gets amplified to the point that it floods the entire brain, and it becomes nigh-impossible to ignore it and consider the potential negative consequences before acting on it. It’s like that Chronic Cannot Leave It Alone Disorder gets concentrated into a single instant of frequently-terrible decision-making.

It’s no secret that Kaito is impulsively reckless – and if you think about it, it’s to an extent that’s honestly kind of pathological. Cheating his way into the astronaut exam early, for example, could very well have permanently ruined his chances of ever being allowed in and making it to space. He should never have considered that a risk worth taking. So apparently he just wasn’t properly considering the risk at all – not even for the most important decision of his life.

A lot of the time, these kinds of bad decisions can be fuelled by those amplified painful emotions that get turned into anger like I talked about before. The stress of the killing game causes Kaito to very nearly get himself killed on two occasions early in chapter 1, almost lashing out in a way that would have broken school regulations. Kaito is perfectly aware of the consequences for doing that – but in the heat of the moment, it just doesn’t matter to him. His overwhelming desire to express his pain-fuelled rage simply blocks out everything else from his mind. A similar thing happens in chapter 5 when Kaito’s attempt to punch Kokichi after the supposed mastermind reveal only results in him getting knocked out and captured by the Exisals that were very obviously there and under Kokichi’s control. It’s summed up pretty well by the fact that Kokichi outright tells Kaito that punching him won’t fix any of the things he’s angry about, and Kaito’s response is, “Even if that is the case… I can’t get over it if I don’t punch you!” To Kaito, in these moments, it’s never about the consequences; it’s about needing to let out his too-strong emotions right now and to hell with everything else, even if that “everything else” literally might include his life.

Then there’s everything that happens with Kaito at the casino. The consequences for him here aren’t exactly dire, since all he loses out on is the chance to buy a prize, but still – that uncontrollable fixation on the anticipated thrill of winning and the inability to consider the really-very-high possibility that he’ll lose is exactly the type of reckless thrill-seeking that people with this type of ADHD often have.

In fact, the bonus scene at the casino is literally titled “Kaito’s Gambling Problem” – and as you might imagine, impulsive-type ADHDers are at a higher risk of developing harmful addictions to things such as gambling. While this isn’t an actual gambling problem here because no real money is involved and it does seem that he never gets tempted by the casino again after the second time, the scene’s title apparently wants us to consider that Kaito has the potential to develop a legitimate gambling problem should he ever get old enough to legally gamble in the real world. Which is a weirdly specific thing for the writers to make a point of when it has no bearing on the plot… so it makes me wonder if they could have actually been trying to tell us something here.

This kind of impulsiveness can also cause people to blurt out their thoughts without thinking about the consequences, potentially resulting in upsetting someone or embarrassing themselves. At first glance, considering that he has a lot of thoughts he’s determined to hide from the surface, Kaito doesn’t seem to have too much of a problem with this kind of impulsiveness. If he did, you’d think he’d find himself muttering stuff like “I feel like crap”, or “I hate this place” all the time and then having to hastily paper over it and insist that no that’s definitely not how he’s really feeling at all. So apparently, he’s fairly good at thinking before he speaks when it matters to him?

Except, when he’s in the Virtual World, Kaito makes multiple unthinking comments to the effect of “I like this avatar body”, which he has to awkwardly brush off when Shuichi questions him, since it rather hints that something’s up with his real body. He’s suddenly really bad at this, even though he was pretty good at it the rest of the time.

So maybe what’s going on is this: in an effort to stay positive at all times because he’s Kaito, Kaito trained himself to have a constant, unshakeable mental filter that prevents himself from impulsively blurting out how he’s feeling if it’s something negative. However, he can’t stop himself from still randomly blurting out whatever positive things are on his mind. This usually isn’t a problem, but it can sometimes include things – it feels so great to not be dying for once! – that he really doesn’t want to be voicing either, if he only gave it a moment more thought.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria

Often shortened to RSD, rejection sensitive dysphoria is a specific and especially nasty kind of emotional hyperarousal / dysregulation that almost all ADHDers suffer from. (At least, I feel like it should probably be classified as a subtype of that, though I’m not sure if that’s the official take, so don’t quote me on this.) The ADHD researcher who coined the term defines it as: “extreme emotional pain triggered by the perception – not necessarily the reality – that a person has been rejected or criticised by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short and failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.” That second sentence is important and frequently overlooked, because it indicates that, despite the name, this isn’t only about perceived rejection by others; it can also be about an entirely personal sense of failure.

I first read about this concept while I happened to be hyperfixating on Kaito’s mindset specifically in early chapter 5, aka that time he avoids Shuichi out of shame over feeling like he failed him in the previous trial, due to his own unreasonably high standards for being a “hero”. (If you didn’t realise that this is what’s going on with Kaito in early chapter 5, go read this other post of mine and get caught up, because you’re going to need to be for the rest of this section.) And, naturally, though I was supposed to be reading that article about RSD to help me figure out if I had ADHD, my brain made some connections. That was the moment I began to have this headcanon; everything else in this post blossomed from that as I thought about it more and realised a lot of other things about Kaito also fit this incredibly well.

The null hypothesis

So, let’s consider early chapter 5. In fact, let’s assume for a moment that Kaito doesn’t have ADHD and his emotions function like a regular person’s. He would still, of course, feel like he’s utterly failed Shuichi by showing himself to be weaker than him and doing the opposite of supporting him during trial 4. That part’s not specifically based in anything ADHD and is just a product of Kaito’s psychological issues about heroes, which I’ve already talked about plenty in that post I just linked. (I don’t want anyone to think that my ADHD headcanon is getting in the way of or diminishing any of that; this is just another layer on top of it.)

Kaito really wants to make things right and apologise for his mistakes in the trial (and for his really-not-actually-mistakes too, for that matter). He really wants to fix the rift between him and Shuichi and not leave the two of them painfully torn apart like this. He knows the responsibility to do so is on him and not Shuichi. But… he doesn’t do it. Why not?

The only possible reason would be that he’s just being a coward and running away from the guilt and shame he’s feeling rather than facing up to it. Except… Kaito’s not a coward. He may arguably seem like one in some ways given how he refuses to acknowledge his weaknesses to his sidekicks – but that’s not to protect himself and his own emotions; it’s because he’s idiotically convinced that it’s better for them that way. Here, now that he believes he’s already failed Shuichi as badly as he ever could, he should feel like he has nothing more to lose on that front (and Shuichi never even needed him anyway, right?), so there should be no harm in owning up to it and at least apologising for what he’s done wrong.

Granted, Kaito is busy trying to make up for his failure through his totally-great escape plan – but that’s still no reason why he can’t also apologise first and then keep trying to make up for things with the plan anyway. And it’s not at all like it was in the trial itself, when he was too wound-up in the heat of the moment to be thinking clearly. He’s had plenty of time to process what happened and regain control of himself and become consciously aware of what he knows is the right thing to do here.

The guilt and shame Kaito would be feeling from his belief that he’s failed Shuichi would still hurt pretty bad, sure – but I don’t think, if it really is a proportionate emotional response to what he feels like he’s done, that it’d be something he couldn’t face up to. He’s incredibly resilient and knows that sometimes you’ve just gotta face painful things head-on, and he should be more than willing to do so for the sake of making things at least slightly better between him and Shuichi.

So, I argue this: Kaito avoiding Shuichi the way he does in early chapter 5 doesn’t quite make sense unless he has ADHD. (Or perhaps some other neurological disorder that would have a similar effect on his emotions, but I’m not knowledgeable enough to be sure what other possibilities could fit.)

Too much pain

I can confirm from experience: RSD freaking sucks. Any feeling of “I should be able to do this, but I messed it up”, or any seemingly innocuous comment from someone you care about where they either point out a mistake you made or that could possibly be interpreted to mean they don’t really care about you that much – these things can hurt like hell, so much more than they have any right to. It’s as if that insignificant twinge of disappointment that most people would feel just gets multiplied by like a thousand until it practically feels like you’ve been stabbed in the chest. And I should note: the rejection version tends to be triggered by people important to you, but I find it’s especially bad if it’s someone I not only care about but also look up to. You know, like Kaito very definitely does to Shuichi.

Case 4 has plenty of things that would trigger RSD for Kaito before even getting into the worst parts of the trial. That cell phone incident in the investigation I mentioned earlier, where Kaito thought Shuichi needed his help for a second and then ended up feeling like he really never did at all? And all the times Shuichi shoots down one of Kaito’s arguments in the trial and tells him he’s wrong (which happens seven times, by the way)? Every single one of those seemingly-minor moments would have hurt Kaito not just a little, but one hell of a lot. It’s honestly really impressive and a testament to Kaito’s resilience that he managed to keep himself together and show barely any signs of how he was feeling for as long as he did.

It’s also very relevant that RSD is known to potentially trigger an externalised response of instantaneous rage, exactly like the outbursts of anger I mentioned in the previous section. I’ve already talked plenty elsewhere about how a lot of the pain that’s causing Kaito to lash out in trial 4 isn’t just over Gonta’s guilt but is also over how he’s being made to feel like a horribly inferior failure compared to Shuichi – and, yep, that’s still a perfect match to Kaito having ADHD.

By the end of the trial, Kaito’s issues and irrationalities have rendered him convinced that he’s utterly failed to be the hero he’s supposed to be, and that Shuichi obviously doesn’t need him or care about him any more (if he ever even did in the first place). That’s giving Kaito plenty of genuine conscious reason to be hurting pretty damn hard to begin with, before his ADHD brain-wiring even sinks its claws into it. Now try to imagine that pain getting disproportionately multiplied by like a thousand – fucking ouch, and then some. Nobody, not even someone as brave and resilient as Kaito, should ever be expected to be able to face up to that, to actively make it even worse by talking about it and bringing those feelings to the forefront, especially not when doing so would just be showing even more weakness to the person it hurts so much to show weakness to. I don’t believe it’d be fair to call anyone a coward for that.

Kaito’s not a coward; he avoids Shuichi in early chapter 5 because he is genuinely in too much pain to bear. The only way he can deal with it at all (now that he’s not in the heat of trial 4 and is very determined to at least not make things even worse by lashing out in anger again) is by simply trying to pretend the problem doesn’t exist. If he manages to prove himself as a hero, maybe it’ll stop hurting quite as much and he’ll be able to face up to it, but until then, avoiding the pain is all he can do.

(Obligatory Harmonious Heart mention)

Since I relish the opportunity to bring this scene up whenever I can, I might as well add that Kaito’s Harmonious Heart event is another instance in which he’d be feeling some pretty rough RSD – at least, in every outcome except the best one in which Shuichi reassures him that they’re friends and it’s okay to open up to your friend. It’d be especially bad in the worst outcome where Kaito realises Shuichi has seen his “weakness” and feels like he’s failed him. Probably not quite as bad as in canon, but still, ouch.

In fact, an interesting thing about that worst outcome is that Kaito specifically says he feels “so embarrassed”, which, when you think about it, doesn’t really sound like the kind of thing anyone would expect Kaito to ever describe himself as feeling, even at a time like this. However, I know from my own experience that “embarrassment” is in fact something that it’s easy to mistake RSD for when you don’t know what it is – just an embarrassment that’s somehow agonisingly painful, because that’s totally how embarrassment usually works for most people, right. So, A, this fits perfectly yet again, and B, since you’d usually not think to have Kaito ever use that word… it makes me wonder if the writer for this scene knew.

Coping methods (and why Kaito doesn’t have them)

Of course, it’s not like there aren’t methods to try to combat and mitigate the incredible pain that RSD can bring. One that I’ve found works really well (thanks to Kaito himself!) is exercising. It really helps to burn off that excessive emotional energy – and not necessarily just RSD, but any of the disproportionately painful emotions ADHD brings – by translating it into physical energy. “Let your sweat wash away all your sadness, fear, worry and hardships; just start moving your body and your pain will become memories before you know it,” actually sums up how this feels pretty well! It’s quite possible that this advice – heck, maybe his entire exercise-to-help-the-mind thing in general – is something else that Kaito first came up with for himself, after he found that it helped him calm down and feel better whenever he’d get too upset about something.

…So it’s really rather cruel that Kaito’s worsening illness also happens to lock him out of one of his only genuinely-healthy coping mechanisms for what he’s going through emotionally in chapters 4 and 5, isn’t it.

Another thing that’s really helped me in dealing with my own RSD is simply understanding it. When you know that it’s a disproportionate emotional response, you can remind yourself that things aren’t truly as bad as the pain is making them feel like they are, which makes it easier to take steps to stop it hurting, such as talking to the friend who unintentionally triggered it and having them reassure you that of course they care about you. Without that understanding of it, it’s all too easy to think, “if it hurts this much, I must deserve to be hurting this much,” which, yeah, that’s a bad path to go down.

One pretty important part of my headcanon that Kaito has ADHD, then, is that he definitely has no idea he has it. If he’d been diagnosed with it at some point in his life, he’d understand these problems of his better. Even if the doctors never told him all these things I’ve been mentioning here about how ADHD actually works (which is way too disappointingly common, so I gather), Kaito would have researched this stuff himself at some point, in order to better understand himself and know his limits so that he can work around them to be the best person he can be. He wouldn’t want to let anything get in the way of him helping others as much as he can and achieving his dream of going to space, not even the idiosyncrasies of his own brain. And, heck, he’d probably find it interesting if only he had a reason to look into it in the first place! Many ADHDers hyperfixate on ADHD, and Kaito definitely seems like someone who would have if he’d known.

So, if Kaito was aware of his ADHD, he’d be able to recognise what he’s going through in early chapter 5 as RSD and handle it better. He’d know that, no matter how much it hurts, things aren’t actually quite as bad as it feels like, and that apologising to Shuichi sooner rather than later is almost certainly the best way forward even if the prospect of doing so seems terrifying as all hell. For that matter, if Kaito knew about his ADHD and what it really involved, he’d almost certainly have trained himself to be able to deal with a lot of his more troublesome symptoms better than he ever does in canon.

Friendship difficulties

Because of their differently-wired brains, ADHDers can often struggle to connect with the rest of the world that doesn’t think the same way as them. And here’s a fun subtle thing about Kaito that ought to get talked about more: he’s not actually very skilled or experienced at making friends. Having sidekicks that he can inspire and support, and being a general encouraging influence on a wider group of people to keep them working together – sure, that stuff comes naturally to him. But regular, everyday friendship? Not so much.

This isn’t that easy to spot, because most of the time we see Kaito, he’s deliberately focusing on motivating people, which he’s great at. But there are a few instances here and there where Kaito interacts with people in a not-specifically-motivational way: his attempts to befriend Kaede (who doesn’t need his support), his earlier FTEs with Shuichi (which should be happening before training starts), and the conversation with Shuichi and Maki in chapter 4’s second training scene (before Maki begins talking about her past).

In all of these, Kaito turns out to actually be a huge awkward goof who doesn’t seem to have the first clue how to do regular interpersonal interactions. And basically everything about him being this way can potentially be explained by ADHD.

Too many thoughts

It’s never quiet and organised in an ADHD brain; whenever we’re not hyperfocusing on one specific thing, our minds always have like five different thoughts rattling around in them at once. So, consider the conversation with Shuichi and Maki, which Kaito was attempting to treat like a Regular Conversation (rather than the chance to help Maki open up that it definitely actually was in his head). Perhaps, in his efforts to do small talk, not one but several different possible small talk questions popped into his head at once and clamoured for his attention, such that a couple of them – “what blood type are you?” and “what [something] do you like?” – got accidentally merged together when he opened his mouth to speak. That plus his impulsive lack-of-filter meant that out came “What blood type do you like?” and Kaito sounding like a doofus.

(When Maki points out that this is a strange question, Kaito awkwardly laughs it off. It almost seems like he’s used to accidentally saying things people consider weird during his attempts at normal conversation and has learned to try and act like it’s nothing so he doesn’t push anyone away.)

This disorganisation in ADHD minds also tends to make them get too caught up on unnecessary details they find interesting and wander off down random mental tangents rather than whatever they’re supposed to be talking or thinking about. I once saw a tumblr post that said ADHDers are likely to tell “stories that start sooner than they need to and end somewhere other than the point” – and this happens to be a literally perfect description of the story Kaito tells Shuichi in his second and third FTEs. He was supposed to be telling Shuichi how he became interested in space. He began by talking about finding a treasure map and conquering the seas, and he finished with how he was busy conquering the land when his summer vacation ended. At no point did he mention space; he’d got so wrapped up in the story itself that he’d completely forgotten that was meant to be the point.

Kaito also has a bit of a tendency to make strange statements that appear to make perfect sense to him even though they kind of don’t to anybody else. He wants to learn to play the piano for when he goes to space? Well, of course; he might meet an alien! You can’t ever know how malicious other people’s secrets are? Sure, but that’s why you just gotta believe in… yourself! These really do make perfect sense in Kaito’s head (the first is about communication; the second is about people-reading skills). But it seems, perhaps, that his overly-active mind made connections too fast and jumped several tracks at once, to the point that he didn’t realise he was skipping a few steps of his explanation and that it wouldn’t make so much sense to the people listening. Which is also a thing that ADHD people are liable to do.

Too loud and excitable

A less immediately obvious thing that’s strange about Kaito’s behaviour in the chapter 4 training chat is that, when Shuichi essentially just straight-up asks Maki to start talking about her issues, Kaito admonishes him for being too direct and claims he can’t just do that. This seems odd coming from Kaito, who’s usually nothing but direct in his approaches to encouraging people, and who definitely also intended to prompt Maki into talking about her issues here.

But, apparently because he’s trying to present this as a Regular Normal Friend Conversation, Kaito didn’t think he was meant to be so direct in this context. Which suggests he’s learned through experience that his usual kind of directness that works great for encouragement apparently just kind of puts people off when it’s used in a regular conversation. So instead, he was trying to work his way towards hopefully maybe getting Maki to open up through awkward small talk that he must know he’s terrible at – no wonder he was miffed when Shuichi casually went and committed the exact social “faux-pas” he’d been trying to avoid, with complete confidence that it’d actually be fine, and it turned out it was. (Whoops, there goes Shuichi effortlessly being better than him at everything Kaito finds difficult, like always.)

Nonetheless, Kaito probably has good reason to be worried about coming across as too direct (outside of sidekick contexts, where that’s just the best way to get through to someone and help). Because, when he’s not actively trying to avoid it, he does have a tendency to get a bit carried away with things and put people off as a result. Remember the time he asked Kaede for a hug? There’s absolutely no reason to assume this was romantic or sexual in nature, because it already makes more than enough sense to think that Kaito was just so excited at meeting someone so similar to him and thought she was Super Cool and just really wanted to be her friend!!! So he impulsively expressed that sentiment in a rather-too-forward way that he was too caught up in his excitement to realise was going to come across as rather inappropriate.

Not that being too overly excitable and direct about things necessarily has to lead to behaviour that’s outright inappropriate in order to cause problems. (Though please never forget that Kaito asked for the hug and respected Kaede’s boundaries when she said no.) Even if he’s not doing anything wrong, Kaito being his usual larger-than-life self all the time might just come across as a bit Much and be kind of weird and off-putting for a lot of people. It’s that emotional hyperarousal again, which I mostly talked about the negative side of in the earlier section – but the positive side of it, amplifying the good emotions to make someone more enthusiastic and passionate, can still (completely undeservedly) be a negative thing in a social context with others who just aren’t wired the same way.

In Kaito’s second FTE, wrapped up among his ridiculous overblown childish fiction, he appears to potentially be talking about an actual playmate he had at the time who joined in his game of pretending to be a sea captain. Then they had a fight and Kaito never saw him again – and he presents that like it was just part of his game, too, but this can likely be taken to mean that they had a falling out that never got resolved and stopped being friends. If so, I can’t help but assume that this was probably because tiny Kaito was a little bit too boisterous and excessive in his playing – while still not necessarily doing anything wrong – that it overwhelmed this other kid to the point that he didn’t really want to join in any more.

There’s also one bit of FTE invitation dialogue where Kaito claims he’s about to teach Kaede how to have peace of mind… and then he tells stories that make her question his definition of that. Which makes a lot of sense considering that ADHD minds, particularly hyperactive-type ones, are never relaxed for even a moment. Kaito doesn’t know how not to be energetic and over-the-top even when the people he’s with just want to wind down and relax, which also wouldn’t really do him any favours in terms of making friends.

But none of that is Kaito’s fault; he’s not trying to be selfish or drive these people away. It’s simply the way his mind is, always going full-throttle when most other people’s usually aren’t. He just gets so excited about so many things and has a hard time toning that down. Besides, why would Kaito even want to tone it down and be boringly down-to-earth when his mind could be up in space instead!? That’s much better! …except that most other people don’t see it that way.

Too much infodumping

In the training chat, after embarrassing himself with a bungled small talk question and being shown up by Shuichi making it look like it’s actually somehow not a problem to be too direct after all, Kaito attempts to bring things back around to small talk with the, uh, “safe” option of asking Maki what her favourite spaceship is. Which isn’t really small talk at all, of course – but then, actual small talk is hard for ADHD people, because it’s not interesting enough to care about paying proper attention to. They’d much rather be acting on that constant desire to talk about something they’re interested in, such as one of their hyperfixations, which is not always the best way to connect with others who don’t happen to be interested in the same thing.

(Fortunately, since another of his hyperfixations is Maki and her issues, Kaito is perfectly happy to listen once she starts talking about her past, and the conversation shifts back to a comfortable hero-and-sidekick situation again rather than an awkward and confusing how-do-I-friends???)

There’s another of those FTE invitation dialogues in chapter 1 where Kaito tells Kaede he’s a good listener… and then apparently Kaede spends the entire time listening to him instead. Except, obviously Kaito really is a good listener when it’s in his hero-and-sidekick context and he’s helping someone with their problems, because he’s invested in supporting them and so it’d be easy for him to pay attention. But perhaps, when it’s in a regular friendship context and the person he’s talking to doesn’t need his help (like Kaede doesn’t), Kaito’s not quite so good at listening because he’s not necessarily as interested in what they have to say. So he might be liable to just impulsively act on the desire to talk about the things he wants to (such as SPACE; there is always time for space) and then get so focused on it that he overlooks the other person’s feelings and genuinely doesn’t realise he’s coming across as kind of brash and self-absorbed.

Kaito’s second and third FTEs with Shuichi are an even better illustration of this. Upon Shuichi choosing to hang out with him for a second time, Kaito apparently realises Shuichi is interested enough in him to possibly want to be his friend. So he responds to this by… launching into a huge ridiculous story about his (completely make-believe) heroic adventures as a kid. This kind of one-sided conversation and bizarre topic choice is not, in fact, a great way to make friends with someone, but Kaito doesn’t seem to realise this. He finds his story so cool and exciting that he impulsively assumes Shuichi would too and jumps into it without actually confirming whether Shuichi wants to hear it or not. And, honestly, it seems like Shuichi doesn’t, at least not particularly, and is only listening out of politeness and an inability to get a word in edgeways. His less-than-enthusiastic response to Kaito’s story suggests that these FTEs are canonically meant to happen before training begins and Shuichi comes to properly consider Kaito a friend – and therefore that Kaito’s not really doing the best job here of making Shuichi begin to consider him a friend.

Still himself despite it all!

All of these potentially-ADHD-fuelled idiosyncrasies of Kaito’s make it a lot harder for him to make friends in the normal way – and he seems to be somewhat aware of this. Some of the things from the chapter 4 chat hint that he’s slightly insecure and afraid he’s going to put Shuichi and Maki off by being so dorkily himself. There’s also a little more of this in the Salmon Team bonus mode, in which friendship is the entire point, and yet a few lines when he’s inviting Shuichi to hang out hint that Kaito isn’t completely convinced that Shuichi would want to hang out with him as a friend rather than as a sidekick who needs his advice and support. If he was more used to having friends, he probably wouldn’t still be so insecure about this – so this honestly kind of suggests that Shuichi and Maki could be the first real friends Kaito’s ever managed to make.

Because of these kinds of issues in connecting with people, a lot of ADHD kids grow up unconsciously learning to suppress their true selves, hiding their boundless enthusiasm and unusual interests to seem more “normal” so that they can fit in. I know this because I was one such kid, and I’m still struggling to unlearn this as an adult. So I have huge admiration for Kaito having managed to not do this, refusing to let anything stop him from being himself at all times. His convictions about staying true to himself are even more impressive when you realise that he would have felt so pressured to break them and pretend to be someone he’s not in order to more easily make friends.

As strong-willed as Kaito is, I doubt he’d have been able to do this as a kid without help. His parents and grandparents must have been really, really good in validating his passion and energy and never making him feel ashamed for being the way he is, assuring him that if other kids can’t see how great he is then that’s their problem and not because he’s doing anything wrong. He wants to go to space more than anything else in the world? Awesome; he should chase that dream with everything he has and not care how ridiculous and childish and impossible everyone else seems to think it is! Not all parents would do that.

After all, there are a lot of occasions in which Kaito does just brazenly present his larger-than-life self to someone in a clumsily overbearing attempt to make friends, without showing even the subtlest sign of being worried it might put them off. For that matter, Kaito is generally very willing to just throw himself into things he’s unfamiliar with and possibly end up failing spectacularly and making a fool of himself – something that’s likely to be pretty painful for him, given how RSD is. While some of this is probably down to his impulsiveness and not even considering that he might fail, I’m sure sometimes he’s got to be aware of it, and if so, that’s some impressive resilience and determination. People with ADHD can become unconsciously inclined to never try at anything out of a fear of that painful failure, but of course Kaito would refuse to let that happen to him – which is really quite admirable.

Interestingly, all of the times Kaito is subtly insecure about his social skills – the chapter 4 scene, the Salmon Team bits, and maybe that time with the former friend in his FTE if you assume that him wrapping it up in a fiction means he’s still uncomfortable about what happened – involve someone he’s already friends with. After all, it’s probably easier for him to fearlessly dive in with someone new, because it’s less of a blow if he messes up in that context – not everyone’s going to click with him and that’s just how things go. But once Kaito’s already built a strong connection with someone, he becomes more afraid of messing up, because being rejected by someone important to him would be agonising. You might think that he ought to feel more comfortable around people he’s already friends with because he should trust them and know they’re not going anywhere no matter how much of a dork he is – but when RSD is a factor, it makes perfect sense for it to be the opposite.

Sidekicks can be friends, too!

Perhaps part of why Kaito is able to remain so confident in himself most of the time is because he nonetheless hasn’t grown up alone and lacking meaningful connections to other people. Despite his difficulty in making regular friends, he’s compensated for this by having sidekicks, which are a very different matter that his eccentricities conversely make him very good with. Being enthusiastic and energetic and over-the-top like Kaito can never not be is helpful when he’s being an inspiring hero, not weird or off-putting at all!

Still, while Kaito has a far easier time forging that initial connection with someone through the sidekick approach rather than the friend approach, that doesn’t make him worse at actually being someone’s friend (and not just their “hero”) once he’s got his foot in the door. If Kaito had told the story from his FTEs to Shuichi after they’d started training and properly bonded, Shuichi’s reaction would have been completely different: still probably exasperated, but in an affectionate kind of way, because he knows that’s just part of what makes Kaito who he is, and it’s actually pretty fun to be around. He has a lot of this sort of response to Kaito once they’re friends, and it’s adorable. It’s the same in the chapter 4 training chat – neither Maki nor Shuichi are at all put off by Kaito’s awkwardness, partly because they’re not exactly great at social skills themselves, but also because they know how much Kaito cares about them, and no amount of arbitrary social missteps could ever change that.

When someone becomes Kaito’s sidekick, meaning they’ve accepted his support and understand how much he wants to help them, they can see everything else about him that they might have found weird before in a new light. They learn that his eccentric behaviour isn’t him being deliberately rude or self-absorbed at all. It’s just genuinely how he is, and it’s part of how he can support them so well like he does, but that’s not all it’s good for. They come to appreciate Kaito not just for his incredible supportiveness, but for everything else about him, too. He’s not just their hero, but also their friend.

However… Kaito apparently can’t see that. Since he’s never been that good at forming regular friendships with people who don’t explicitly need him, he’s all too liable to assume that the people who do need him are only sticking around because of that, and no other reason. That co-dependency of Kaito’s I mentioned earlier, aka his rather unhealthy need to be needed? While the stressful context of the killing game definitely made it way worse throughout the story, it seems it was already slightly a thing in the first place – and if so, Kaito having ADHD could very well be the root cause.

Kaito is Good

Being realistic about how sadly uncommon well-represented neurodivergency is in fiction (and how misunderstood ADHD tends to be), I don’t know if I should try to assert that Kaito being ADHD was definitely the writers’ intent. However, almost every major facet of his character and personality fits with it so damn well that I want to think it’s at least possible that someone on the writing team could have had it in mind. Especially with the couple of bits I mentioned that seem like they could have been deliberately included by someone who Knows.

Still, even if it wasn’t intended, it’s amazing how good of a fit this is. Maybe it’s just that, in creating a character as intensely passionate as Kaito, the writers naturally wrote into him all the downsides of being that way as well, without even realising they were near-perfectly modelling the highs and lows of ADHD. After all, the human mind’s ability to simulate other human minds even when they’re not real is freaking magical. Kaito is such an incredibly well-written character with so much thought put into him whether or not he was meant to be as extremely ADHD-coded as he is.

I’ve always believed that Kaito is a fantastic example of how the best way to write realistic and interesting flaws into a character is to have them organically draw from traits that, in other situations, can be that character’s greatest strengths. And in my opinion, this is also kind of true about ADHD. When I figured out I had it and what it really meant, it was hugely validating for me, because I learned that almost everything I’d been struggling with was basically just the logically-inevitable downside of some of the things I’d always liked about myself, such as my ability to get so ridiculously analytical about stories I love like this. I wouldn’t trade those parts of myself away for anything – and I can’t imagine Kaito would, either.

I’ve seen a few posts and articles focusing on the bright side of having ADHD by listing some of the positive traits ADHDers often have because of it, and, delightfully, so many of them – fun to be around! compassionate! persistent! to name just a few – are things that Kaito has in spades. So, well, if ADHD can look so much like Kaito… then surely it can’t be all bad.

-----

(P.S.: High-five to anyone who headcanons Kaito as autistic! There’s a lot of overlap between that and ADHD. Many of the symptoms I’ve talked about here can also be symptoms of autism, and even with the non-overlapping bits, a lot of Kaito’s idiosyncrasies that I linked to ADHD could be interpreted slightly differently to link them to autism instead. I believe ADHD fits him somewhat better than autism does, but then I’m more knowledgeable about ADHD so my data is skewed, plus I’m pretty obviously biased since I’m personally invested in the idea of Kaito being like me. Taking a step back from my more specific headcanon here, though, there’s still every reason to assume that Kaito is at least some flavour of neurodivergent, and I think that’s pretty awesome.)

#danganronpa v3 #danganronpa v3 spoilers #kaito momota #character analysis #kaito's hero issues #ramble #adhd #adhd headcanons #creating that tag because i can already tell kaito won't be the only adhd headcanon i make #oh my god this ended up *longer* than the hero ramble how did this happen #and yes i will link to the hero ramble in every single other kaito ramble because it is always important #i also talked about myself in this more than i ever usually do on here so uh #personal?

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ezzydean · 3 years

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barycenter

for @notsuchasecret

CLICK HERE TO READ ON MY BLOG INSTEAD OF THE DASH

5+1? Nah. 8+1

8 times a friend cared for/comforted Rei and 1 time he comforted a friend.

(barycenter: the common center of mass around which two or more bodies revolve)

Nagisa It’s been a long day. One of the longest he’s had in years. And somehow he still has hours and hours left of it. The math of the day just isn’t adding up but he honestly can’t be bothered to figure out just how the last two hours have actually managed to last approximately fifteen years. Or maybe it’s the last fifteen years that have actually lasted two hours. He’s not even sure which way it should go.

Not much makes sense today.

He’s pressing his fingertips against his eyes, glasses abandoned on the table about twenty minutes past half a year ago, when he hears soft footsteps padding down the hallway towards him.

“Oh, Rei-chan,” Nagisa breathes out.

Then there’s cool fingers running through his hair and a warm body settling into his lap and the smell of Nagisa’s apple scented body wash filling the air between them and it really says something about his day that he doesn’t even attempt to flail, flounder, or protest Nagisa invading his space in any way, shape, or form.

He tips his head forward, nose resting against Nagisa’s collarbone, and wraps his arms around Nagisa’s waist.

Sometime between a half hour and nine years later he relaxes with a shuddering breath and Nagisa hums softly.

“Next time call me before it gets this bad,” Nagisa murmurs.

Rei nods in agreement even though they both know he’s far too stubborn and sometime in the next seventy-whatever month-hours Nagisa will pad down the hallway and spot Rei bent over the table, too tired to function anything remotely close to properly. But that’s okay. Because when he does Nagisa will pull him apart so gently and help put him back together with gentle fingers and bright smiles.

Rin “Hey.” A warm body drops into the booth next to him.

“Hello, Rin,” he replies politely.

“What’s eating you?”

He glances over and meets Rin’s curious gaze for only a moment before he goes back to staring blankly at the menu sitting on the table in front of him.

“Nothing.”

Rin scoffs. “Forgive me if I don’t believe that,” he says. He snatches the menu and grumbles about the ridiculous prices and the silly names and other stuff that Rei barely listens to. He listens to the rise and fall of Rin’s voice. He catches the easy shrugs and hand gestures as he rambles. He feels the way Rin leans against him to half-whisper something to him and then just never quite sits all the way back up.

He simply exists for a little while and lets Rin pull him along in his wake.

By the time the others join him he feels less untethered, less ready to float away at a moment’s notice, and he presses his shoulder against Rin’s in silent thanks. Rin grins a ‘you’re welcome’ in return.

Makoto Sometimes he just gets so incredibly, unreasonably, unfairly cold. When it’s the middle of winter and there’s snow on the ground he can understand it. But in the tail end of summer when the sun is high in the sky and the ground itself seems to throw off heat it’s a little ridiculous.

But ridiculous or not here he is, sitting on the beach and watching his friends chase each other around and laugh and have fun while he sits in the sun and shivers.

A shadow looms over him and Rei leans his head back. Makoto smiles down at him and gestures to the ground next to him.

“May I?” Rei nods with a slight smile of his own. Leave it to Makoto to ask permission before sitting next to him on the beach when they had been squished together in Sousuke’s frightening excuse for a vehicle less than an hour ago.

They sit shoulder to shoulder and watch as Rin and Momo attempt to pull Haru under the water while Gou and Seijuurou egg them on. He’s not entirely sure where Ai and Nagisa have gotten off to but the last he saw of them they had their heads bent together, laughing as they clearly planned something.

A shudder runs through him and he huffs in irritation.

“You know,” Makoto says suddenly. “It still takes me awhile sometimes.” Rei makes a questioning noise. “To get in the water. To be comfortable enough to remember that especially with everyone else here I’m safe.”

“It’s not really that,” Rei says. “I just get so cold sometimes.”

Makoto shrugs. “The water isn’t the only thing they keep me safe from,” he says as Haru dramatically pops up in the water, sending Rin and Momo swimming away from him as fast as possible.

Rei scoots a little bit closer until Makoto laughs and wraps his arm around Rei’s shoulder, pulling him tight against his side and Rei sinks into the warmth and refuses to move even when Rin stumbles up to them a few minutes later and flops across them, soaking them both.

Gou “For someone so smart,” Gou says as she tucks the blankets up around his shoulders, “you’re pretty stupid sometimes.”

Rei does his best to pout at her. Not that it really does much. He doesn’t have Nagisa or Ai’s puppy dog eyes and even if he did he’s pretty sure Gou wouldn’t be swayed by them.

“Not like I was trying to catch Haru’s cold,” he mumbles. At least that’s what he tries to say. He’s not sure how much of it comes out the way it’s supposed to. The fond look Gou gives him really doesn’t help him figure out if the words all came out in the right order or not.

His everything hurts.

“You’re lucky you’re adorable. And my mom loves you so she sent over soup and gave me a list of stuff to buy for you. Even though I’m pretty sure by now I know how to handle a stupid boy getting a stupid cold.”

“I am lucky,” he rasps out.

Gou smiles and brushes some of his sweaty hair from his clammy forehead.

“Yeah. But I suppose we’re lucky to have someone like you too. So we’re all pretty even in the end.”

Sousuke Logically he knows that he’s lucky they caught it this soon. That he’s here mostly for prevention and not for rehab. It still doesn’t stop his hands from shaking ever so much as he makes his way into the clinic for his third appointment for his shoulder.

“Rei?” Somehow the thought never occurred to him that this might be the same clinic that Sousuke visits for his own shoulder.

His hands shake even more and he curls his fingers until they’re clenched fists hanging at his sides. He tenses his jaw and refuses to let himself give in to the tears that suddenly try to overwhelm him.

Sousuke glances over his shoulder. “Hey Ayame,” he calls out. “Ryuugazaki is here for his appointment but we’re gonna go for a quick walk beforehand okay?”

He doesn’t look at the receptionist, a lady who has the kindest eyes Rei has ever seen in his life, doesn’t listen to whatever she says to Sousuke in reply. He just lets Sousuke settle his hand in the middle of Rei’s shoulders and guide him carefully outside.

“I get it,” Sousuke says eventually. They’re about three blocks from the clinic and Sousuke’s hand is warm where it’s still resting between Rei’s shoulder blades. “It’s a lot and it’s kinda frightening. Especially since we’re, you know, not creaky old men. We’ve still got a lot ahead of us. People like you and me we’ve gotta be careful.”

He could be talking about their shoulders. But Rei is pretty sure Sousuke is talking about something far more internal. Something far easier to bust and something that is much, much harder to repair when it does. He nods and takes one last deep breath before they turn and head back to the clinic.

He’s not even remotely surprised when Sousuke is sprawled in the waiting room flipping through a magazine when Rei finally finishes his appointment.

Momotarou Some days you just can’t win. His bag strap broke this morning. He stepped in a puddle less than five minutes after leaving. He dropped his glasses and scratched the lenses. He forgot his lunch on the counter and he’s pretty sure his stomach is trying to eat itself even though it is physically impossible to do so. And now he’s sitting up with a wince and glaring down at the rather impressive scrape he now has on his arm. Because of course his shoes came untied without him noticing until he literally tipped over his own feet.

A hand appears in front of his face and he tilts his head up until he sees a familiar face.

“Come on,” Momotarou says with a friendly smile. “My place is just a few blocks away. We’ll get you cleaned up.”

He can do it himself. His own place is only a few blocks in the other direction. But he lets Momotarou pull him up by his uninjured hand and tug him down the block and lead him to his apartment and push him into the bathroom. The first aid kit Momotarou pulls out is extremely well stocked and Momotarou laughs when he sees the look on Rei’s face.

“Yeah. I’m not the most graceful of people out of the water,” he explains as he wets a cloth and gently wipes at Rei’s arm. “So when I moved out on my own my parents bought me a good first aid kit and then my brother and sister both bought me extra supplies.”

Rei simply nods and lets Momotarou clean his arm and carefully apply antibiotic to it.

“Something wrong?” Momotarou is staring at his arm with a frown.

“No. I just don’t know if I have a bandage big enough to cover the whole thing and I don’t want you to rub it on something on accident.”

Rei glances down at the scrape. “Then give me two bandages,” he says. “Or wrap it in some gauze. It shouldn’t take long to start scabbing up a bit.” Momotarou’s eyes dart from the scrape to the first aid kit to Rei’s face and back again. “If it’ll make you feel better I’ll even stay here a bit before going back outside.”

Momotarou scrunches his face and then nods. “I think that sounds okay.”

“Thank you, by the way,” Rei remembers to say as Momotarou loosely wraps a piece of gauze around his arm. Momotarou grins at him, accepting the thanks with a wink.

Seijuurou “You’re never going to be perfect. None of us are.” The words are surprisingly comforting. Or maybe it’s Seijuurou’s hand warm on his knee as he talks Rei back from the edge of a potentially epic meltdown. “You’re never going to be Tachibana but that’s okay.”

The captaincy had been weighing heavy on his mind and even heavier on his shoulders and instead of giving into the temptation of letting it boil over into frustration and irritation and taking it out on the others Rei had cut practice short and started walking. He’s not quite sure where he is or why the former Samezuka captain was there but he was thankful just the same because Seijuurou had taken one look at him and led him down a sidewalk to a bench, sat him down, and started talking.

About his own blunders as captain. About his rambunctious teammates. About not only training and going to school with his teammates but living with them as well. About how he learned the hard way that he could count on his team to support him.

“You have a good team and, more importantly, good friends. Let them help you. Lean on them if you need to. Hell you have my number still right?” Rei nods absently. “Give me a call if you need. Or call Tachibana. I know I’d be more than happy to help and I’m sure he would too. Just remember. They’re your team now. You’ve gotta figure out what works for you.”

He sits there and lets Seijuurou talk and talk and talk. He does wonder, briefly, when he started being acquaintances with so many talkative people and then promptly pushes the thought aside because he knows exactly when. It was when he joined the swim team.

It was when he made the choice to change his entire life by stepping out of his comfort zone without looking for a net to catch him should he stumble.

Aiichirou They’ve exhausted all their usual topics — classes, their teams, their last meets, their current training regimens — and are simply listening to each other breathe through the phone. He hadn’t expected to find such a close friend in Aiichirou when they had exchanged numbers. Though he probably should have. They both had such big shoes to fill, such amazing captains to follow with their own captaincy, it’s not really that much of a surprise in the end.

“I just don’t know for sure,” he finds himself admitting, breaking the silence.

“About what?”

“Anything,” he says before he can talk himself out of it. “University. Getting a job. Even graduating high school feels a little bit daunting right now if I’m being honest.”

Aiichirou laughs tiredly. “I hear you on that. I’m still not sure if I want to keep swimming competitively in university. I love swimming but, yeah. I just don’t know.”

It’s refreshing to hear it from someone else. Someone who has been dealing with a lot of the same responsibilities and pressure as he has. Trying to balance being a captain on top of school work on top of maintaining friendships.

“But,” Aiichirou interrupts his thoughts before they can wind him up they way he was before he called. “But. It’s okay. Because we’ve got everyone. And it’s okay if we don’t know what we’re doing yet so long as we keep on moving.”

Rei lets the words rattle around in his head for a few minutes, once again listening to Aiichirou breathing, before the words really sink in.

“Have you been reading Nagisa’s inspirational quote of the day texts again?”

Aiichirou laughs and starts talking about the quote Nagisa sent him last week and Rei smiles.

They’ll all figure it out in the end. Because they’ll get there together.

+1 Haruka It’s not unusual to open Haru’s door and find all the lights out and a general feeling of almost abandoned floating through the air. Haru has lived in the same place for years and years but it just always has a semi-permanent feel to it. Like he’s just waiting to pack up and leave it all behind.

Rei has never really been able to understand it. Heck he’s lived in a dozen different places in the last five years and even the shittiest, most temporary apartment felt more lived in than Haru’s place.

Maybe it’s just the dust accumulating on every flat surface because Haru hates cleaning that gives it that feeling. But Rei really doesn’t think that’s it.

Haru lets out a huffy little noise when Rei prods at him with his foot; he’s never understood how Haru manages to fall asleep in the middle of the floor without even a blanket or pillow.

“You know,” Rei says, “it’s okay to stay. To make this place yours.”

“It is mine,” Haru mutters.

“Then get rid of your parents’ ugly tapestry on the wall and put up one of your paintings and stop simply existing here.”

It’s harsh, harsher than he’d usually be with any of his friends, but Haru has always brought out something in him — something a little more raw and fierce and possessive — than any of the rest of them.

Haru scoffs softly but he also reaches out and wraps a cool hand around Rei’s ankle, thumb rubbing gently over the skin, as he considers Rei’s words.

“You’re right,” Haru says eventually, voice tiny in the darkness.

“I usually am,” Rei replies.

“I don’t want to pick the painting though.”

“We’ll pick one for you. It’s what friends are for.”

#free!#free! writing #ryuugazaki rei

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angstymarshmallow · 4 years

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My Two First Loves - How Will it All End? - Part 1 Mason Jennings.

This isn’t necessarily a complaint. I’m genuinely curious as to how long this book will be, especially considering we’re 60+ chapters in. Is this going to end when MC graduates? Will it end when she finally choses between three people? I assume it’s the latter.

But here’s some of my thoughts of what I do know while we’re all waiting. The more I wrote about this series, the more I had to say and if I’ve caught your attention so far, indulge me with another few minutes of your time.

Originally when I read the synopsis of the first chapter, I remembered thinking to myself ‘this looks like angstville and I am soooo ready’. I love angstville, hell I vacation there and if you’ve ever read any of my stories or have been in the choices fandom for a while; you may have stumbled across my blog. You’d notice I’m a complete sucker for this type of pain genre. And in terms of angst, the first few chapters didn’t disappoint. The writing, while it never always felt natural – this kind of style sometimes gave me a familiar heavy feeling in the chest I’ve come to associate as a local in angstville.

From the very beginning, the reader is under the impression that MC has a crush on Mason. It’s a crush that’s spun years and the book keeps up this narrative throughout the entire story. (I’m sure there are people who headcanon this differently, but I’m strictly speaking about the intention of the book and for plot-related reasons, I understand why this makes sense). Then we meet Noah cue bad to the bone song, a secondary character MC starts developing feelings for; soon after MC finds out Mason is dating her best friend Ava. The book basically revolves around these four people - MC, Mason Noah and Ava. It’s not a fair representation all around, but I will say this book does a fairly good job of portraying the woes of being a teenager. To MC and everything she goes through feeling larger than life. To Mason struggling to push himself out of his father’s shadow. To Noah proving he’s a good soul that was dealt a bad hand from the deck of cards we call life. To Ava who was trying desperately to be what she thought she had to be and hiding who she truly was.

First and foremost, I wanted to breakdown a list of all my thoughts, and coordinate them accordingly. I’ll be going through the pros and cons in a series of posts, a lot of which deals with identity and character development. Bare with me if you have the patience, I also wanted to make a TLDR version of everything for people who just want to get to the point.

In any case I wanted to cover the main characters and how they’ve changed over the course of the book through these specific topics.

Mason Jennings Character Development Noah Harris Character Development Ava Lawrence Poor Character Development MC’s Development and Family Dynamic

Since Mason is the first topic I’ve written down, let’s start there.

Mason Jennings: The Childhood Crush

Mason and Parents mostly Mr. Jennings

Mason and MC

Mason and Ava

Mason and Noah

Future Mason: Where Does this Leave Us?

The story does a good job of giving you background information about Mason Jennings almost from the very beginning. Although some of his deeper and more meaningful moments with MC are buried in diamonds scenes - you get a pretty good sense of his character. Mason is popular, friendly, albeit the rich kid with undertones of short sightedness as well as father-son issues that hugely impact his character over the course of this book. Because of his upbringing, Mason sees himself as the ‘good guy’ and while we can certainly see moments of this in the story, we also see moments where he’s been insensitive and selfish. Ultimately, Mason’s short sightedness is his Achilles heel.

Growing up with a lot handed to you on a silver platter makes it a little difficult for Mason to be open minded. Like most of the students of (whatever the name of their high school is), he’s quick to write Noah off as a bad influence on MC. Granted, he knows more about Noah than MC at the start, his unwillingness to change his perspective is a hindrance to his growth. It is unclear if Mason was always well off - considering his exchange with MC about his house and the jacuzzi (if memory serves me correctly), however what the reader does know; in comparison to Noah Mason’s parents haven’t struggled to make ends meet. In public, it looks as if they are a happy family but behind closed doors, it doesn’t take much to assume Mason’s life in reality is far from perfect.

Regardless, this cookie-cutter presentation makes it hard for the reader to sympathize with him, especially when comparing him to Noah.

Mason’s Parents

It starts with his upbringing. A lot of his life, Mason was groomed to be like his father; he’s supposed to follow in his footsteps by scoring a football scholarship. He’s supposed to have a full ride into the air force academy. He’s supposed to breeze through school, listen to his parents and survive high school. Though his cookie-cutter life starts falling apart during dinner with his parents and MC. His parents make a lot of comparisons about MC and Ava, when they bring up his new relationship ( much to MC’s discomfort and Mason’s). Because of Ava’s accomplishments they think she’s a perfect match for Mason and uses this to discredit and sort of look down upon his friendship with MC. They think Ava is the best and most optimal choice because they’ve always given him the best and expect the same in return. It’s implied during as this happens that their relationship isn’t perfect, Mason’s uncomfortableness isn’t just on behalf of MC, he’s embarrassed despite a part of him thinking he owes them for everything they’ve ever done.

Another and more obvious example stem from the all-important football game everyone was looking forward to. Scouts are visiting and their school wants to showcase the best of the best. This spurs even more competition between Noah and Mason; not only for MC’s affection but to gain the scouts favour. Regardless of the outcome, Mr. Jennings influence as the principal allows him to pull the strings and guarantee approval for Mason over Noah.

Immediately after Noah confronts him about the entire scenario; Mason is quick to defend himself and his dad; saying it was his talent they cared about and not his father’s connections. Mason spends so much time thinking the best of his father that he doesn’t consider any alternative. Despite it being obvious to the reader that there is more going on here than just Mason’s ability to play football; he doesn’t entertain the thought. And from his perspective why should he? We’ve already established his parents try their absolute best to give him the best chance possible, which doesn’t necessarily mean playing by the same rules as everyone else.

It’s these kinds of examples that shows Mason’s short sightedness. This makes him a lot less likable. His unwillingness to see other people’s perspectives outside of his own makes him fall a little short. He’s so averse to the idea that his father could be the reason why because it would undermine his own confidence in himself and ultimately change the way he sees his father.

Recognizing how important character growth is in young adult stories; this reoccurring issue has started to change. With the help of Noah and MC’s influence, Mason is finally staring to realize his father isn’t infallible after all. They get into a full blown argument over spending time with MC where they don’t see eye to eye, and haven’t for a long time. Ultimately, Mason starts questioning his own future. Does he genuinely want to go to air force academy? Or was that just an idea planted in his head from the very beginning? Is that his dream or his dad’s?

In a more recent chapter; it’s again implied how strained Mason’s relationship with not just his father but Mrs. Jennings as well. He makes a comparison between how his family celebrate the holidays different from the Price family. MC’s family has movie night and this time they’re watching Die Hard because Noah hasn’t seen it before and technically it is a Christmas movie. While this is the first time it’s specifically mentioned to the reader, we get the sense that movie night is a common occurrence around the holidays. Mason mentions how much this means to him; especially when his own parents do not celebrate the same way and he’s always invited over. It’s a special moment that feels a little less special when he sees Noah standing at the front door of their house.

Truth be told, I don’t think Mason has any idea what he really wants, since realizing air force academy isn’t as much his dream as it was his father’s. It is another part of his personality that spills over in other parts of his life. He didn’t know what his own feelings for Ava was, and how deep his feelings for MC truly is. This leads me to point number 2 -

Mason and MC

Whether you’re a fan of their friendship/relationship, the book gives you ample background information to outright say Mason is MC’s childhood crush and it’s the same the other way around.

If you’ve played some of the diamonds scenes like I have, their relationship seems a lot more natural than meets the eye. Although without these scenes, their dynamic feels a little more forced and a lot less like MC has any control over her decisions when it comes to him. I wished some of the diamond content was given for free because they show a lot of good Mason and MC moments. Their inside jokes, the little moments of childhood joy they experienced together like tarot readings with MC’s mother, and reminiscing over other old memories. You could argue its platonic, the small touching gestures; even their concern over each other’s behalf – it’s been this way since they’ve been kids. They’ve always been there for each other – no matter what. It’s that kind of friendship which allows them to be comfortable around each other. And it is that comfortableness that could lead to intimacy. It doesn’t take a lot for a reader to think then; they’ve been in love with each other since childhood.

MC’s influence on Mason has changed his behaviour. From the way he perceives Noah, to his relationship with his father – if it wasn’t for her, I daresay some of his growth would never have happened.

The more softer side MC sees when it comes to Noah, the more she implores that on MC. Noah can’t be all bad. That slowly becomes been her mantra and while Mason doesn’t agree outright; his opinion of him does change.

The trouble is, Mason has a secret about Noah that not even MC knows. He uses it as a reminder in justifying every harsh thing he’s ever said about him. Every harsh thing other people say about him in general. In Mason’s mind – Noah is fooling MC the way he fooled him last year when Noah tried robbing his house with his brother Elijah. Again, this is only half the story and it isn’t until later chapters that the reader starts getting the full picture.

Putting that aside for now and to paint an even clearer picture; during the scene where three of our major players were stuck in the gymnasium together; they’re in a situation where they’re forced to talk when they otherwise wouldn’t. As the reader you’re able to discern from their dialogue to their non-verbal cues; this dynamic is changing and for the first time - they were talking, laughing and being simply friends which before now was unthinkable to Mason.

He did the unthinkable with his father in a much similar manner. Before MC started questioning her own perceptions of what it meant to be a good person and sharing pieces of this would Mason, he would never think to go against his father. At least, not publicly. I think it’s natural for teenagers to disagree and sometimes go against with their parents to some degree, but from MC’s perspective Mason never really did. It wasn’t until MC and Mason were caught being out very late; Mr. Jennings for the second time tells his son MC is not a good influence on him. This is the nicest way I can put it, but with his growing animosity towards MC, this places a strain on their relationship that is too much for Mason to ignore.

This is a turning point in which Mason starts coming to his own conclusions about his dad. They aren’t in a good place; if Mr. Jennings can’t accept MC in his life, if he can’t accept the decision Mason makes – he’s going to lose him. This short sightedness is starting peel away with more and more layers of Mason realizing nothing is black and white, least of all people.

Even if you aren’t convinced of MC’s feelings about Mason, from Mason perspective he’s absolutely head over heels for her. And it is the same feelings which allows MC to influence him, to change him more than he probably realizes.

Mason and Ava

Oh, boy. This was a recipe for disaster, maybe from the very beginning.

When Mason tells MC they’ve started dating over the course of the summer; I’m sure there must have been some meaningful moments to convince themselves they were right for each other and it wasn’t solely because of MC. In part though, I think some of this had to do with MC, probably more than they both realized. Maybe there was an energy about each other that they’ve only felt when they’ve both been around MC. Maybe they were projecting those feelings onto each other because neither of them wanted to threaten their friendship with her. Regardless, by the time MC knew about it - things have started to become more than a little awkward. Ava was being a little heavy on PDA as if to convince them both that this is what she wants; while trying simultaneously telling MC to back off. Mason was being a little awkward in the sense of still being physically and emotionally connected with MC in ways which confused him. And MC was well, confused (and pinning for Mason secretly during their entire relationship).

From Mason’s perspective, I imagine he’s trying to figure out why it doesn’t feel right between them; why Ava is being more possessive than usual and why his feelings for MC are still there. Maybe in his mind, dating Ava meant getting over whatever feelings he might have had. And to his credit; he tried letting MC know over the summer - as if to ask, is this okay because some part of him must realize this could spell trouble for once the school year started. And MC’s answer was very much yes, even though inner MC’s dialogue never sold anyone on this idea.

In a nutshell, Ava and Mason weren’t a good fit because 1 - Ava was at the time trying to figure out her sexuality and 2 - Mason was trying to develop the same feelings he had for MC, onto her. Who is to say if Mason truly had deep feelings for Ava in the first place?

A part of dating is figuring things out, especially at such a young age - you won’t have all the answer. As the reader, it never felt clear why Ava and Mason were dating other than being a plot device for MC’s repressed feelings.

As a reader, I do recognize towards the end things were very bitter between Mason and Ava. After the whole kissing-MC-by-accident fiasco, the energy between them became more strained than ever. This is what I meant by Mason’s short sightedness; he couldn’t see why Ava was so hurt. He couldn’t see how Ava deserved better because from his perspective, he tried everything he could include distancing himself from MC (with mistakes along the way), only to hurt Ava and himself in the end. He doesn’t see himself as the bad guy in this scenario, but his actions had disastrous consequences. Was he the best boyfriend he could be to Ava? Absolutely not. He couldn’t be the person Ava needed him to be, he couldn’t even see how hard it was for her to be what she thought he needed for her to be. What she thought she needed to be to everyone else. Mason was consumed with his own well-being, his own feelings for someone else while juggling what could have been with her. Was he the worst boyfriend? No, he was figuring things out - sorting out his feelings like every other teenager. It was wrong for him to continue dating someone, when he had strong feelings for someone else. It was wrong for him to accidentally but quite publicly admit he had feelings for MC while the kiss was still fresh in everyone’s mind. But most importantly, it was wrong for him not to communicate his feelings with the person who he was with because that’s the number one thing everyone should do in their relationship. But it’s also human nature to not know what you want.

Mason and Noah

During the most recent chapters, Noah’s and Mason’s relationship has become more and more complicated. I actually think this is one of the best relationships in this book. It shows the reader how difficult it is to define their relationship. Something on the surface that seems pretty straight-forward, when in reality it wasn’t.

Take for instance the beginning; it’s very clear they were painting Mason and Noah as total opposites. Mason is the ‘golden boy’ and Noah is ‘the bad boy’ and for MC to ‘choose one’ meant abandoning the other. Mason’s feelings for MC hindered his relationship with Noah, but before her - his father did that all on his own.

Mason and Noah were I daresay friends and even both admitted as much before it all went terribly wrong. They met and stuck together during football, hung out outside of school but Mr. Jennings influence on his son put a dent in their friendship even before things came to a head. During that night -you know the one I briefly mentioned earlier? Yeah, when Noah and Elijah trying to steal from Mason’s house it ruined whatever budding friendship there was between them. Since I’m talking about Mason’s perspective – despite his father’s hindrance, Mason allows his goading for him to make up his mind about Noah. Noah wasn’t his friend, he was just trying to get close to him to steal his stuff. This makes it difficult for Mason to see him as anything else other than a bad person.

In addition this, when you add MC into the mix – it just makes everything worse. Not only is Noah a bad influence – now he’s trying to take MC down with him. To Mason it makes him super protective of her; he has to protect her from how bad he is and even after her insistence – he still has to prove to her that Noah is bad news.

Even now, Mason is still struggling with the idea of Noah being a good person, but at least he is beginning to move past his short sightedness. He’s allowing doubt in his head, because as soon as he stopped placing his father on a pedestal he was able to realize nothing is black and white. People aren’t black and white. Nothing depicts this more than his relationship with Noah.

Future Mason TLDR

Mason Jennings has already started walking along a path of self-improvement. We see bits of this in the latest chapters that we haven’t seen at the start. From sticking up to his father and calling his ideas wrong, to (start) making amends with Noah and MC - he will undoubtedly continue to grow. This isn’t to excuse his past behaviour; (he still hasn’t apologized to Ava when he very much should and I’m still waiting on that ), but its addressing the very real notion that people change. People are always changing. High school is a lot of where that starts, at least it was for me - and at least for all these characters in My Two First Loves. High school is where we start answering that question who am I and its a journey that continues after which really shapes who we are. Personally, I really can’t see future Mason making the same mistakes as past Mason and if I’m wrong - well pixelberry played me.

#playchoices #Mason Jennings #My Two First Loves #MTFL #k's thoughts #Noah Harris #Ava Lawrence #candid essay #PART 1 OF MY VERY LONG RANT #This isn't a super in depth into his character #it's more how his character is changing as the story changes #this is also coming from a Noah stan lmao #I've also decided to put mc's sexuality in the same topic of development since they're apart of each other #i had to really narrow down my list to be specific as I can be #I had way more topics before but keeping it to character development is a lot already tto take on

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cancerbiophd · 4 years

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Hey, I had a look through your FAQ but couldn't find something on (apologies if I am blind). I've got a phone interview for a (really cool) industry position but aside from all of the general "PhD to industry" blogs that assume I have post doc experience I'm not quite sure how to prepare. Especially for the more general "tell us about a time ..." questions without just repeating the same things about my PhD struggles. Have you got any tips? (No worries if not!)

Hey there! Oh no worries, this is definitely not on the FAQ (and even if it was I still always answer! The FAQ is more like a good go-to in case I don’t respond for days on end lol)

Congratulations on the interview! I hope I can help. I didn’t do a post-doc either before going into industry, so same boat!

I think it’s absolute ok to use your grad school experiences to answer those types of questions. Technically anything in your past work/educational experience is fair game, but I think employers prefer to see recent examples (since they more accurately reflect you as an employee). During my interviews with industry my answers revolved around my PhD experiences 90% of the time, and the other 10% were from my couple of years as a research tech post-college but before grad school--but only because the research I did was relevant to the company.

I found LinkedIn’s Interview Framework videos super helpful when dealing with those types of common questions

I also prepared by typing out all my answers (or at least had bullet-points) so I could practice what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, etc. I didn’t read off the answers the day-of of course, but it helped me mentally sort through all my answers ahead of time.

From what I’ve gathered--in my personal transition from academia to industry, and from talking to other more established PhDs in industry--the company is less interested in your exact research skill-set (your dissertation project), and more so in some of the following transferrable skills:

Problem-solving (PhDs are really great at taking a challenge and emerging a few days later with a variety of potential solutions)

Organizational--both physically, electronically, and temporally (e.g. meeting deadlines)

Communication (not just public-speaking, but also in conveying day-to-day ideas to your colleagues/bosses)

Grit and passion--we couldn’t have finished grad school without those two, right?

The ability to work both independently and as a team, and sometimes as a leader too

And I’m sure there’s a lot more, depending on the position/department/company/field

So your interviewer may ask you questions/interact with you/your application in a way in order to get a feel for those qualities. Here are examples of what they may do:

Problem-solving: They may ask you an application-based question like “Based off of your PhD research, what would you do if given this problem to solve...” The exact question they ask will be very relevant to what the company does. They’re not expecting the correct answer; they just want to see your thought process.

Organizational: they may have already decided this based off of your application, such as your resume/CV, publications, abstracts, etc. Or they may straight up ask you stuff like “How are you at multi-tasking?” “How do you make sure you meet deadlines?”

Communication: the entire interview process--including any emails exchanged before and after--goes into this.

Grit and passion: Questions like “What made you interested in applying for this position and company?”, “Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?”, “What excites you most about this field?”

Working independently and as a team: Another thing that can be gleaned from your resume/CV, or through speaking with your references. It also really helps to have network connections in the department or company who can personally vouch for you.

I got all of these questions/interactions during my interviews--some I had prepared for, some I wished I had prepared better for.

One last bit of advice: Use your network. If you know someone who works at that same company, it would be very helpful to reach out to them to ask how they like it there, and if they have any advice for you (like sample interview questions). And who knows--they may even personally recommend you to the hiring manager! If you don’t know someone who works in that exact company, reaching out to someone in a similar position and/or company for general advice or even an informational interview would still be beneficial.

I hope that helps! If you have any other questions, you know where to find me! Best of luck and I hope your interview goes well.

#saffythegeek #job advice

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youngbugandtonystank · 5 years

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If you can, do some more of the facial and body language analysis posts because they're soooo good, I love them and your blog 💕

Hi, I’m sorry for the long wait!

This must be the hardest analysis yet. I cried three times writing this, so I’m sharing my pain with you.

1. Peter is a kid.

2. Tony and Peter are a team.

3. He’s traumatized.

Ok, the first thing you gotta understand about Peter Parker in these movies: he is a kid.

No matter how much you want him to act all grown up and capable, he’s a kid. A very brave kid. Throughout the movie, Peter remains calm and collected because he really wants to help and he understands the gravity of the situation. Bear in my mind this kid is not acting because someone gave him orders but because they informed him what’s going on. He knows that they need to take the gauntlet off, he knows Thanos is dangerous and this could be the complete demise of not only his neighboorhood but the entire earth. We all know that at the end of the movie, Peter shows just how scared he was all the time.

‘You can't be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man...if there's no neighborhood.’

The minute he realizes that there’s trouble, he goes and helps.

It’s been two years since Homecoming (it was confirmed that the time gap between HOCO and IW was two years even if Peter says he’s 16 in FFH. This could possibly be a mistake since not many people knew much about IW and Endgame back then. Also, in HOCO there was a similar mistake with the timeline. "Eight years later") Peter’s been spiderman for almost three years and he knows how to control and work his powers better. He probably trained with Tony and he has now more experience with all the superhero thing.

Now, Peter is his very own independent hero, he has his story but some people think that everything about him revolves around Tony and I’ve said it before, in my HOCO analysis that the reason people think this is because Tony Stark is a very big presence in the MCU and it’s easy to overlook the other details about Peter’s life when someone that big is also there too. But, any fan who really loves Spiderman knows that Peter’s journey is about growth. It’s about sacrifice. It’s about responsibility. It’s about him finding his way into this world and surviving it. It’s about him protecting the little guy because he is the little kid in a big world like his. His attachment to Tony has more to do with the fact that he wants a male figure in his life, one that is alive. He wants the comfort, the safety and the support that comes with it. A teenage wanting those things is not out of the ordinary. He’s allowed to have more than one paternal figure in his life. Don’t constraint Peter just because you don’t like Tony Stark.

And Peter himself confirms this:

‘Peter knew he should feel all these things -help other people, being responsible inthe hero business- without Tony’s approval. But, right now, Peter wanted Mr. Stark to approve of him more than anything.’

‘Mr. Stark made him feel normal and okay. Something he thought he’d never feel again.’

Something very interesting to me was how both Tony and Peter reacted the same way when the aliens came. Tony was internally panicking and said to Bruce: ‘This is it.’ And in the IW novelization, the moment Peter saw the space ship he said to himself: ‘This was it. He had to do something.’

Something that I just love about this is how much they know each other too well. Tony knows Peter is stubborn and he won’t give up easily. Tony told him that Strange ‘The wizard’ was in trouble and Peter went after Maw and didn’t let go even if he was getting dragged up to space, so he did what he usually did when Peter was being difficult. Force him back to earth. And Peter? He cooperates with him so well, he calculates his mentor’s next moves and goes along with it. They’re a team. They have worked together before. Two years of working together. Look at the coordination, how they flawlessly work together. They’ve done this before. How Tony just informs Peter what’s going on instead of yelling and panicking. He understands Peter is pretty capable of defending himself.

Later, they demonstrate this again with this:

Peter is capable of thinking of a solution because this kid, no matter how many pop culture references, is a genius and will be a great strategist in the future and Tony knows this. He left EDITH to Peter for these reasons.

This is routine for them. Tony makes this a teachable lesson. lol. ‘Come on. We got a situation. See him down there? He's in trouble. What's your plan?’

He’s a dad, forgive him.

I love how they just bicker while Strange is getting tortured down there lmao.

This part only solidifies their relationship. Look at Peter looks so done and disappointed because this is the same argument Tony gives him when he’s in danger. Tony may trust Peter but his safety always comes first and Peter knows this. Look at him:

He takes in the situation and even if he can come back to earth and fight the other aliens there, he won’t leave Tony. I want to clarify that the reason Peter is in space is because 1. He wants to fight. He wants to help. He’s said it before, if he has the chance to help, he'll do it. He’s spiderman and is his responsibility to help if he can. This is the essence of Spiderman.

‘When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you.’

2. Tony. He’s a loyal kid and he loves his mentor. People regularly point out Tony’s fear of losing Peter but Peter is just equally scared of losing Tony.

‘speaking of loyalty...’ ‘I just thought about you on the way...and kinda stuck to the side of the ship.’

So he fights Tony on this. He won’t let him not participate. He already lost Ben, he won’t lose Tony. He knows this is a dangerous situation, he wants to protect his people. He feels responsible for them and he’ll fight to do the right thing.

Another thing is how much Peter trusts Tony. He knows and is so sure that Tony will keep him safe, no matter what. This is because Tony has proved this before. Multiple times. He knows he’s Tony’s priority even if the world is practically ending.

‘He wanted him away from all of Tony’s complicated feelings around caring about this kid way too much to focus on the task at hand.’

‘Tony had to keep himself calm and not think back to mere seconds ago when that terror had been his own, directly connected to the possibility of losing Peter Parker.’

‘Tony had only continued onto the ship because he felt certain that he’d gotten Peter safely out of harm’s way. With Peter here, very much IN harm’s way, would he be able to fully concentrate on the task at hand?’

‘They were about to take on the greatest enemy they’d ever faced. This was an enemy that had haunted Tony for six years. An enemy that threatened to wipe out half of the universe, untold trillions of beings with the snap of his fingers. He had a wide-eyed kid he had to protect’

‘Is this… oh, no… is this how it feels? To be on the other end of this? He owed Pepper an apology. He owed Pepper a lot of apologies.’

I love how Tony is comparing Pepper’s love for him with his own love for Peter. This not only tells you Peter is part of his family but just as Endgame confirms it, Peter is one of the few people he loves the most in the world.

Later, when the guardians attack, look at how Peter stays put, he could easily get himself out of Quill’s grip but he doesn’t, he lets Tony handle the situation.

Makes me wonder how many times they’ve been in this situation. Homecoming!Peter would’ve done something very reckless. He would’ve risked his life or someone else's but this is a 17-year-old kid who’s had Tony as his mentor, he’s had May to think about and he won’t let Ben down.

Also, the non-verbal communication between them is very telling. How the glances, the trust and the way they fight tells us how much they mean to each other. How he always looks at Tony for his reaction and how both of them are in synch with everything.

Now, let’s talk about this kid’s bravery in this film. Look at him, this is peak bravery. This kid is kicking one of the most terrifying and powerful titans on the universe.

Even if I loved FFH, I think they shouldn’t have skipped the part where Peter dwells with the repercussions of his trauma. They should’ve focused on Peter’s traumas and experiences after passing through all of this.

Look at this, you do really believe this kid wouldn’t have nightmares of this monster? He probably sees his face in every nightmare. This titan killed Tony. This titan killed him and half of the universe. He threw him around like a rag doll, chocked him and slammed him against the ground.

One of the most heartbreaking things is that Mysterio is right about what he said to Peter. ‘Maybe if you were good enough, Tony would still be alive’ Peter feels responsible. He does. Remember how Peter was a big part in securing the gauntlet? He took the gauntlet off Thanos. He actually did it. He took it off. For Peter, there were pretty close. That was it. He doesn’t know what Strange knows, Strange must’ve seen in all of the millions of possibilities he saw that even if Peter took the gauntlet off, Thanos would still win. But Peter doesn’t know this. He thinks he almost got it.

When he came back, he was one of the people who went after the gauntlet to protect it. He took it because he felt like this was his responsibility before waking up and now he’s trying to amend that by taking care of it. Thanos started blowing people off with lasers and Peter still held the gauntlet like it was his lifeline.

He feels like he failed. The person who used the gauntlet, later on, is his mentor.

Of course he feels like he failed. He feels responsible for Tony’s death even if he’s not.

‘I don't think Tony would have done what he did, if he didn't know you were going to be here after he was gone.’

He knows that Tony practically did it for him. Tony is a hero and he would’ve done that regardless but the motivation behind all of it, it was Peter. Always Peter.

‘Tony second-guessed everything he did. But the one thing he didn't second guess was picking you.’

It’s natural that Peter feels responsible. Look at the catatonic way he behaves after the horrible experience. He’s still in shock.

Peter is the kind of kid that stands tall and bounces back up when the situation demands it but he’s also the kind of kid that wants to introduce himself to a magical cape and walk ladies across the street.

Look at him: This kid is scared but his bravery doesn’t let him hesitate. He knows what’s right and he knows in his heart, what he needs to do.

This is the kind of kid that would go to war with his mentor, stay on the space ship to save one person, come back from being dead and fight all over again.

Now, this is the most painful part and I almost wanted to skip it because... I’m still not over it and I never will. I still think Tony deserved a different ending.

So first Tony witness one of his biggest nightmares. Peter dying. Peter, for the first time in this film, shows us just how scared he truly is. He sees how the others start fading and he feels his demise coming. It’s inevitable. So he thinks in the one thing he always thinks about when he’s in a place where he can’t save himself. He goes to Tony. He thinks Tony can save him. Tony always saved him so why would this time be different, right? He desperately clings to Tony and begs him to save him. He doesn’t want to die.

When he knows that there’s no other way, he gives up. This 17-year-old kid just gave up on his life and apologized for it. This just tells you how selfless Peter is. He’s dying and he’s concerned Tony is going to blame himself for his death.

Then, when he comes back, from Peter’s perspective, it’s only been a couple of hours or minutes but he doesn’t know he lost 5 years of his life. Imagine how traumatic it was for him when he realized he’s been dead for years.

He lets Tony hug him. He’s probably done this before. I refuse to believe this is their second hug after two years. Just because this hug is more emotionally charged doesn’t mean Peter didn’t get any affection from Tony before.

Then the terrible thing happens. He realizes his mentor is dying and tells him the thing no one else told him: ‘We won and you did it, sir.’

Tony did it and Peter is aware of this. He tells him it’s him, it’s Peter. It’s someone he trusts and knows. ‘Can you hear me?’ He clings to him and by the look on his face, Peter’s in pain. He passed through this once and now he’s doing it again. For Peter, this is history repeating and he feels like is his fault all over again.

He’s begging Tony to come back now. He’s watching his father figure die. This kid must be pretty messed up. I thought that after this he wouldn’t be capable of trusting people again but maybe FFH took another direction and showed us that nothing can corrupt Peter’s pure heart. Tony would’ve wanted him to stay pure. It’s just who he is, he always put others before himself.

In my perspective, I think Peter is not over Tony’s death. He’s not even halfway there. He’s still in denial, he’s still assimilating, he’s still going through it and it’s going to take some time.

Peter is one of the bravest kids out there and that alone should be a big reason to have mad respect for him. He has been through hell and back and he still comes out on top in every situation.

Tony is a big part of his life, and he is always going to be. Peter has Tony in his heart and his presence will still be on him the rest of life. He loves Tony and will always love him, whether you like it or not and if you want to be mad about this, stay mad. This is a fact and no matter how much whining you do, there’s nothing you can do to change that.

#tony stark #peter parker #Iron Man #spiderman #irondad #spiderson #avengers endgame #endgame #infinity war #avengers infinity war #robert downey jr #tom holland #mcu #marvel #ffh #far from home #homecoming

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