#now what the fuck am i supppsed to do

[fruitable]

made the painful mistake of falling asleep at 6pm only to wake up at 10pm very confused and now wide awake

#covid chronicles #now what the fuck am i supppsed to do #personal

[zivaninja]

I am seventeen years late to the party I know, but I have just watched doomsday for the first time and I'm having a complete tenrose breakdown.

#doctor who #tenrose #rose tyler #tenth doctor #GOOD FUCKING LORD #I knew it was gonna be painful but that was even fucking worse #genuinely don't know what i'm supppsed to do with myself now #watch the doctor show they said. it'll be fun they said. #LIES #I am so 😭😭😭😭😭 #shut up g #I need to go to bed in an hour but like. I am wrecked. #gonna spend all day at work tomorrow thinking about this

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

what do you think about bi/pan/mspec lesbians and bi/pan/mspec lesbian exclusionists? i've been seeing them on twitter recently and i dont feel so good abt it (i mean the exclusionists ones)

I support mspec lesbians and they are 100% welcome on my blog.

Exclusionists? I don’t particularly like them tbh. Like mspec lesbian exclus can stay on my blog but you’re on thin fucking ice and if you start discourse I’ll block you and the only reason I’m saying this is because I know a lot of exclus who became inclusionists after being in more inclusive spaces.

Tbh I think the community has bigger issues than someone calling themselves a bisexual lesbian. Like if that’s a label they feel comfy with, okay, that’s awesome! Why am I supppsed to hate them? Now exclusionists why don’t we focus all that energy spent bullying people online towards accessible HRT?

I don’t know, I just. I don’t know. Like. 

What’s the use? 

What’s the use of directing all your vitriol and hatred towards queer people when the cishets are the ones making it harder for us to live as we are? Why shit on someone using the SAM when trans kids are being kicked out of their homes? 

Why hate someone using “contradictory” labels when gay kids are being sent to conversion therapy? Why bully someone for using the labels they feel fits best when HRT is being made more and more inaccessible? Why spend all your time on Twitter yelling at people for using labels you don’t like when kids are being told there’s something wrong with them and they should hide who they are?

I don’t know, mate. Like, the community’s being torn apart from the inside out when the thing we need to do right now is stick together, when we should support each other for our right to live as we are and marry and be happy, people online are screaming at each other for defining themselves in a way that isn’t palatable. 

So if a person wants to call themselves a pansexual lesbian, that’s awesome! I’ll support them all the way. Because other queer people aren’t the enemy. 

We’re just living as we are. 

It’s not the fault of other queer people that the world is the way it is, it’s the fault of transphobia and homophobia. Which is perpuated by cishets. Not other queer people.

It’s not the fault of a trans person that a cis person thinks everyone who’s gnc is trans, that’s the fault of cis people being cisnormative and enforcing gender roles. It’s not the fault of a bi lesbian that men think they’re entitled to lesbians, that’s just them being misogynistic and lesbophobic shitheads. 

Other queer people aren’t the enemy and the time we need to stick together the most isn’t the time we should be tearing each other down.

Anyways I sorta went on a whole rant because I hate exclusionists with a passion, especially for what they’ve done to our community. But yes, I 100% support mspec lesbians no matter their “contradictory” labels because they’re literally just using the labels that make them feel the most comfortable. As a bi man I’ll forever support my mspec lesbian sisters, y’all are welcome here.

don’t start discourse on this post, you will be blocked on sight. fuck off.

#ask #anon #tw conversion therapy mention #mspec lesbian

[bigoltrashpile]

Skele is supppsed to meet bestie at Grillbys for drinks, but MC went and started drinking early. When skele shows up MC is already drunk and babbling to a very amused patron. He manages to walk up just in time to catch "and how am I supposed to explain to my best friend I wanna do the monster smash?" Then MC starts singing the tune to Monster Mash.

This seems like something I would do, ngl

Mafiatale Sans: His face turns bright blue, but he doesn’t mention it.  Until later.  When he’s sufficiently drunk, he’ll turn to you, and say something like, “so, wanna do the monster mash after this?”  He’s most confident when he’s drunk.

Mafiatale Papyrus: He doesn’t understand for a moment, taking your words literally.  You want to crush him?  That’s not very nice!  Then the innuendo catches up to him and he gets suuuuper embarrassed.  He’ll try his best to ignore it until you’re ready to talk to him about it, but it’s much harder to look you in the eye.

Mafiaswap Sans (Lucky): He’ll just come up behind you and put his hands on your hips, surprising you.  “Well, Why Didn’t You Say So Earlier?” he purrs in your ear.  It’s going to be an exciting night.

Mafiaswap Papyrus (Slim): He’s going to try his best to pretend he didn’t hear that.  It’s a little awkward to hear that your best friend wants to fuck you, even if you feel the same.  He won’t be able to meet your eyes all night.  

Mafiafell Sans (Butch): Doll, you have no idea how long he’s wanted to hear that~  If you’re cool with it, he’ll teleport you to his room, and make sure that you have the best night of your life~

Mafiafell Papyrus (Noir): Wait, who’s your best friend?  Is it Butch?  Damn, he knew it.  He’ll probably pout for a while, until you call him your bestie casually.  Then his head snaps up.  “WAIT A SECOND...I’M YOUR BEST FRIEND?  YOU WANT TO SMASH ME?”  That will take a bit of explaining if anyone overheard.

Mafiaswapfell Sans (Scar): He’s...not entirely sure what to make of this.  It was hard enough to let you into his heart enough to be a friend, but now, obviously, you feel something more than simple friendship.  He’s going to have to take a while to process this.  He spends the rest of the night unusually quiet.

Mafiaswapfell Papyrus (Hound): Hoo boy.  He’s not nearly drunk enough for this.  If he had a few drinks in his system, he would say some smooth pickup line that would get you in his bed.  The way it stands now, he’s a blushing, awkward mess.  He’ll try to bring it up later tonight, if he’s not too embarrassed.

#my garbage #writing #sans #papyrus #mafiatale #mafiaswap #mafiafell #mafiaswapfell #undertale #undertale imagines #suggestive

[i-want-anne-hathaway]

I CAN’T FIND USNAVI

Okay, I’ve been putting this off for literally the longest time, but I want to finish this challenge eventually.

The vibes that In The Heights gives off is just- I love it.

I was so sad that the movie got pushed back because this was gonna be the year for movie musicals. Hamilton pro shot, In The Heights, West Side Story, and The Prom. Three of four have Ariana DeBose, as they should

Benny has just told me I have no skills like three times. Like, sir, I KNOW

The last minute of those crazy long songs always go so hard. Non stop, In The Heights, Beautiful, Freedom, Bikini Bottom Day. It’s just- perfection.

Breathe but it’s Antonio Cipriano :)))

This is making me realize that I don’t really like... know the plot of In The Heights. Like, I know the basics, but outside of that I’m clueless.

“Straighten the spine” me who’s been hunching over despite being against my bed frame

JUST BREATHE, EMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I’m pretty sure Benny’s Dispatch is just Benny being a dumbass at work with Nina, which is like... valid.

I hate that I see the title of “It Won’t Be Long Now” and think of Shrek. It’s terrible.

Vanessa 🤝 Naomi Rodriguez 🤝 Christine Canigula

Inútil is that one song of the parent/older person monologing that most musicals have. And like, they’re not BAD, it’s just that most of the time I don’t fucking CARE. *cough cough* We Look To You *cough cough*

I do be vibing to No Me Diga. It’s just gossiping and like... mood.

“I dropped out” I relate to this girl on a spiritual level because everybody’s like “you’re doing great” and I am LITERALLY failing a class.

96,000 is such a bop, i can’t. It’s SOOO good. It’s just so fun to listen to.

I spent so long memorizing everybody’s part of 96,000 cause it’s so fun. I just rewind it to do each individual part.

“If I win the lottery, you’ll never see me again” “damn, we only joking, stay broke then” the best line.

THE BEGINNING OF PACIENCIA Y FE TOOK ME SO OFF GUARD!

Also I have no clue what’s happening during this song.

Okay, I’ve looked it up, and this too is an older person/parental figure reminiscing/monologuing. But like, I dig this, so it’s fine.

When You’re Home is so pretty. I don’t have much else to say, but I’m just picturing it and it’s adorable. I’m so ready for when this movie comes out.

I feel like I’m supppsed to care about Piragua, but it’s happening right before The Club and Blackout, so I can’t bring myself to give a shit.

The whole situation between Vanessa and Usnavi in this is so petty. Just like “I’m gonna make you jealous” “no u”

BLACKOUT IS THE BEST SONG IN THIS MUSICAL! LIKE, I STAND BY THAT. EVERYBODY SINGING AT THE SAME TIME IS JUST A VIBE

“We are powerless” THE DOUBLE MEANING, I CAN’T WITH THE GENIUS OF THIS MUSICAL!

I WANT THIS MOVIE SO BADLY, I CAN’T!

Sunrise is so sweet. We love to see it.

There’s something about the way that Lin raps that makes me feel nostalgic, and I can’t explain it at all.

“It really said US Navy” I explained that to my mom, who was in the Navy, and she thinks that it’s the funniest thing ever.

Enough is a bop though. And honestly though, good for her.

“When you have a problem, come home, don’t run away from your family” THAT CALLED ME OUT ON SO MANY LEVELS, AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF THEY DIDN’T

“N-n-n-no, n-n-n-no” That’s so much fun to say.

Me, going to look up what the fuck they’re saying:

Even though I don’t understand, it’s a vibe anyways.

The entire town just became elementary schoolers like “Benny and Nina sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G”

Carnaval Del Barrio is so good, I didn’t even realize that it was 7 minutes because it’s so much fun to listen to.

Me, trying to smile, knowing that Abuela’s going to die by the next song:

I PLAYED THE FIRST CHORD OF ALABANZA BY ACCIDENT, AND I STARTED CRYING BECAUSE I GOT SAD!

WHEN EVERYBODY STARTS SINGING, IT MAKES ME SO EMOTIONAL, AND I CAN’T TAKE IT.

And now I remember why I’ve avoided Act 2 of In The Heights like the plague. Because I hate being sad.

We go from death to business wars, and I wasn’t ready for it. Like, I should’ve seen it coming, but for some reason I didn’t.

“How do you get this gold shit off” THIS FUCKING IDIOT CAN’T OPEN CHAMPAGNE, AND I LOVE HIM.

Benny and Nina really want to remind me that I’m single, huh.

Why am I just realizing that Finale is being sung over a recording? I’m so fucking dumb, honest to god.

Lin really said “so if I’m not in this role, it’ll be Javier Muñoz” huh

Finale really said found family, and I love it.

Final Judgement: Despite Lin being one of the most well known names, In The Heights is often underrated, and it’s really a shame because it’s really good.

#long post #brees favorite games #tw cursing #tw capslock #tw death mention #tw death

[xmentallydisturbedllamax]

Emotional word vomit.

 I don't know what's the matter with me but something definitely feels wrong inside. Whenever it gets like this, I can actually sense the parts of my brain where something is going on that I don't understand. And I guess that that something affects my mood a lot because I have had more moodswings these past couple of days than I think i ever have before. It's taken the breath out of my lungs and It's left me feeling disoriented, suffocating me because of how utterly overwhelming it all is.

As if I have no clue what I'm genuinely feeling. I'm either laughing out loud and being happy, or being absolutely crushed by sadness uncertainty and insecurity. My heart feels like someone's got an iron grip on it, but it's not quite being squeezed, its just getting a taste of the pain that is to come. I don't know how much more pain it can take though, because there are a lot of past wounds that I have neglected to heal out of pride that I'm not actually hurt. That I'm okay.

Well..I'm not. It's as if I want to seclude myself from the world and everyone in it, but at the same time I crave their attention, their care, their concern. All of which I immediately push away once it actually gets directed at me, because I don't wanna bother anyone, at the same time that I want them to keep asking me if everything is okay. I completely realize how fucked up this is and that's messing with my head even more. I feel.. like I'm so sensitive to everything that it's like my nerves are on fire. Everything inside of me is conflicting. Raw. Nothing makes sense.

It hurts, but it has no right to.

It's not supposed to be this big of a deal, but it is.

I'm supposed to be able to move on from the past but I cant because that's where I live. In my safe haven that is no more.

I want you, but then I dont.

I'm angry, then I'm hurt.

I wish I had more friends, but I'm afraid to form friendships.

I feel like a special snowflake for being so fucking hypersensitive, and guilty for burdening people with my issues that I'm supppsed to be able to fix without their help.

I'm supposed to be strong but I'm week. So much is going on that i don't know how to handle it. My head feels like a pile of junk where the mess is so huge that you have no idea where to start in order to fix it. In the same breath that I know something is ..off and something needs to be done..

I'm terrified of failure. I'm a pussy and I don't wanna be confronted with what a failure I am to begin with. I don't want for that to be rubbed in my face - neither from my family nor from myself. I have always had like..gaps. As in something I should have known how to do by a certain age but didn't, or don't.

Ever since I was little, I have always been reminded of those shortcomings. At first by family, then my classmates, and now - by myself. From not being able to hold the spoon properly back then, to not washing my eyes properly that one school morning because the water was cold, to getting my first low grade, to eating my buggers when I was in grade school. Getting bullied for years after my classmates saw me doing it, getting called names I didn't even know the meaning of.. and feeling like a lesser person afterwards. Like something had been ripped from me. Even back then when I had no idea what it was, I knew that something had been taken away. I haven't been able to get that part of me back since and instead I live years in the past, back when all the pieces were intact. I also feel like an asshole for being like this and feeling so much, because there are people who have it far worse than I do - whose situation is far more complicated than mine. I have a loving family and four friends that I love. No reason to complain whatsoever.

The guilt and all the other feelings I constantly feel are crushing me. I feel so alone most of the time, and when I don't, I cling to the people around me so much that I feel annoying and needy and just too much.

I am plagued by the constant questions of whether I'll ever be good enough. If I'll ever make my parents proud. if I'll ever ammount to something, and if it will ever get better..

"Will I get strong enough to overcome this finally once and for all? How?"

And then:

"What if I don't?" "I've been a failure at everything else so far, what's the difference here?" "What's  the point?" "There is no difference." "It's pointless, just give up." "Stop wasting people's time with your melodramas" "You're a waste of space and you will ammount to nothing." "Just die." "Just end it all. No one will miss you. Why would they? Just look at yourself: You are nothing."

A part of me has always thought that there is beauty in vulnerability. But not in mine. Mine has always been unnecessary and burdensome. So I try to bottle all of me up for fear of disturbing someone who might feel something is wrong. The other part desperately wants attention and concern, wants to let it all go and share everything  because it just can't be held at bay anymore. Wants to be understood and not judged.

When someone does end up understandably leaving, I get angry. For a split second at them, but afterwards at myself. For pushing yet another person away. A person I meant to push away in the first place.

I am disgusting and I am toxic and I am so fucking scared and I'm in so much pain and I don't know what to do. I feel stuck. I can't move. My own chains are holding me down.

How do I get them off?

When will I end this pity party?

When will I stop getting attatched to the wrong people, and letting that push away the people who are actually right for me?

Out of fear of getting hurt, I distance myself from everyone, because they don't deserve to be stuck with someone like me, someone who is so lost, has no direction, and who is just a mess of a person.

They shouldn't have to deal with me, but to those who do - I am so grateful to you for sticking around.. Seeing something worth sticking around for. I'm so scared of losing you, and I hope I dont give you a reason to leave. I love you so much, although someone better is who you really deserve.

I want to get better but I feel like I just.. can't. As if I'm unable to, because of how fucking weak I am. Ultimately, I know how important sharing is, and how important it also is to trust.. but I don't ever wanna drag someone down with me into this.. thing. I'm afraid of people, myself, all the unhealed wounds, all these new ones, and everything else I just vomitted out. Fear fear fear. That's all I've ever known.

What I'm hoping this will give me is some desperately needed relief. This is for me. Not anyone else. Me. And hopefully one day - my recovery. Please let this relieve some of the pain please, please, please. I want to end this cycle of self-deprication. I want to finally be free. To live.

I don't know what this is, but to anyone who may take some time to read this, thank you for lending me your ear.

#feelings #words #real #word vomit #sadness #recovery #sensitive #emotions #self hate #fear #vulnerable #me #my feelings #relief #too much #help #sad #lost #self expression #self love #unstable #erratic #overwhelming #important #new beginnings #hope #desperare #confused #pain #toxic

[kagehinataboke]

I would really appreciate it if you could do todobaku 21 I love all your pieces

thank you darling!! take all my uwus

tdbk: [21] almost spilling a drink because you met their eyes and got distracted thinking how cute they are.

this fits them so well, bless

*

“Whose wedding is this, again?”

Bakugou directs the question at his mother, who’s taking pictures of the table settings, but it’s his dad that answers. “Your mom’s second cousin, Katsuki. We talked about this in the car.”

“Maybe we did, but I still can’t figure out why I’m here.” Bakugou takes a sip of champagne, ignoring Mitsuki’s glare. “I don’t even know these people. It’s a huge fucking waste of time.”

“Don’t swear, shithead,” Mitsuki scolds, whacking him over the head with her phone. “You’re here because she wanted you to come. Apparently her friend’s niece is around your age, and she wants to introduce you.”

“This isn’t the eighteenth century, old hag. You can’t just pair me up with random marriageable strangers.” Bakugou downs the rest of the champagne before she can take it from him. “I’m going to dance. Anywhere other than this table looks less lame.”

“Come back after you’ve gotten rid of the attitude!” Mitsuki yells after him irritably.

Bakugou flips her off, dodging around a crowd of people to reach the bar. At least it isn’t an outdoor wedding they’ve dragged him too: it’s downpouring outside. That might be the one silver lining to the night. Oh, and the alcohol, of course.

“Get me whatever is strong and free,” Bakugou says to the bartender, keeping his eyes on the dance floor. There’s a surprisingly big turnout considering the bad weather. People are swaying back and forth to the irritatingly cheesy music, making it hard to get from one end of the room to the other without being pulled into the mass of bodies.

Bakugou takes the glass the bartender slides over and raises it to his lips. Smells like whiskey. The night might get a whole lot better real soon.

Halfway through the first glass, the song changes to a slow dance and the crowd breaks apart to make way for couples. As it disperses, someone catches Bakugou’s attention across the ballroom. Normally he wouldn’t stop and stare, but it’s impossible not to.

The stranger is talking to a much shorter middle-aged woman, his head tilted down to accommodate her. He’d stand out in any crowd with his multicolored K-pop hair, but it’s also abundantly clear that he’s got abs hidden underneath his well-tailored gray suit. He can’t be much older than Bakugou—but even if he is, god damn.

Guys aren’t supppsed to be so pretty. But he’s handsome, too… What the fuck is going on?

Their eyes lock: Bakugou is still staring, after all. He’s so distracted by the sudden attention that the whiskey misses his lips and spills down the front of his shirt. While he‘s busy dying of embarrassment, the bartender passes over a napkin with a sympathetic wince.

“How bad was that?” Bakugou mutters under his breath, wiping off his chest—and what remains of his dignity.

“Really bad,” the bartender replies. “That guy definitely saw it, too. Sorry, dude.” He glances over Bakugou’s shoulder. “Oh, hey, maybe not sorry: he’s coming over here.”

“What? No. Shit.” Bakugou passes the bartender the mostly-empty whiskey glass and furiously fixes his shirt. “Good? Am I good? Okay. Fuck.” He collects the remaining scraps of his sanity and turns, pasting on a nonchalant expression.

The hot stranger isn’t smiling, but there’s an amused glint in his mismatched eyes. “Should I pretend I didn’t see that?”

The tension is broken in an instant. “Please. I was distracted.” By him. And holy shit, he’s about a million times more distracting up close. He’s a perfect mix of hard and soft lines and fuck, it’s gorgeous. He’s gorgeous.

“I’m Todoroki Shouto,” the hot stranger says, finally cracking a smile. (It makes Bakugou’s conscience screech incoherently.) “The groom is my brother’s best friend.”

“Bakugou Katsuki. I’m in some way distantly related to the bride, I guess.”

Todoroki laughs and leans against the bar beside him. “I didn’t think I’d seen you before. I’d definitely remember.”

Ohhh, God, okay. This is really happening. Flirting. Oh fuck… How do you flirt, again?

“At least we’re meeting now.”

Not bad, now just hold it together.

“Yeah, it’s… a pleasure.” Distracted, Todoroki glances across the ballroom. The woman from before is waving at him. “Ah, my mother…” He turns backto Bakugou. “How long will you be here?”

Don’t panic. Don’t fucking panic.

“All night, probably.” Thank god his voice isn’t cracking. “Why?”

“I’ll find you again, then.” Todoroki backs away from the bar with a smile that makes Bakugou want to scream and smash something—preferably him. “Don’t go anywhere, alright?”

“Uh… uh-huh. Yes. I’ll, uh, be looking forward to it.”

As soon as Todoroki disappears, Bakugou deflates like an old party balloon. Fuck, that was the tensest (and possibly best) moment of his entire life. But hell, at least he can tell Mitsuki to fuck off if she and her cousin still insist on setting him up with that girl. Todoroki Shouto is much better.

“Dude, that was kind of awesome,” the bartender says quietly, breaking the cloud of silence.

“Fucking right?” Bakugou high-fives him without looking—even though he really didn’t do much other than ogle Todoroki uselessly. “Pour me another whiskey: I think this night just got way more interesting.”

#wingman bartender might be kiri #bless this au #todobaku #bakutodo #tdbk #answered asks #meet cutes #my writing #bnha #long post

[kiwidotcom]

Ok so I think I officially am realizing my boyfriend is never coming back to Canada. And that if I want to be with him I’m going to have to move there. Which is a lot to process and makes me think 100 things at once.

And honestly a huge part of me is mad at him. He asked me once if I had regrets and no I don’t, the time I was with him was the best of my life. My trip to Brazil was the best thing ever. I’m not joking.

But fuck. I’ve been in love with him for so long and I spent so long being miserable over him and having to pick myself up and not give a fuck. Only for him to come right back and make me fall even harder for him. Then, when I’m so fucked, he leaves. With no solid plan, no nothing, just leaves.

I’m 22 years old and didn’t have a social life until 30 seconds ago I have so many oats to sew aha and I don’t know what the fuck I’m supppsed to do right now

[all-thestories-aretrue]

Why cant anything ever be easy? I put up with more bullshit than anyone i know. This year has just sucked. My best friend abandoned me in Boston. This conference is a mess and i may not even get to go now. The dentist canceled my invisalign appointment today because they didnt have a treatment plan yet. This will be my fifth fucking set of trays. Ive been in these trays for 2 years now. 2 entire years. I was supppse to be done in 8 months. I had preventable fatigue but no one decided to check my blood work. I was,told it was anxiety and depression. I was told i was just stressed. My joints ache. I looked at a pan in the oven tonight and thought how am i going to lift it? Thats not normal. I have headaches every day, no matter what i do. The rhuemotologist still hasnt called me back. I just want one thing to be easy. I want my friend back. They should just let me go to vegas. College was suppose to be better than high school but im struggling so much. And none of it is anything i can fix on my own. Im miserable.

#p #sick #invisalign

[chex-nix]

:)))

#gremlin speaks #its a vent folks #vent #jskskkso #ive had horrible luck all day #im in such a horrible mood #its 1 am and i wanted to sleep at 8 pm #i feel so depressed bc of who fucking knows what now and have been the whole day #im pretty sure me getting my head smacked didnt do my sight too good #my stomachs upset for whatever reason #im supposed to be going to school tomorrow but a whole bunch of shits getting in the way #i didnt work on what i was supppsed to at ALL today bc ive been so dam depressed #and im pretty sure im on the edge of having a panic attack rn #at 1 am #on a school night #ive been bottling for weeks now and here it all is #ish id what the fuck else is upsetting me anymore tbh #how do ppl go w/o exploding their emotions and falling into a puddle of gross tears and snot #gOsh and aOthEr thing my dumb phon bill needs to be paid but cant be until Wednesday #another* #skofekkfoegn #>:))) #//sorry im in such a horrible mood a inanimate objects an myself rn

[desertsugar]

Am i fucking dumb?

How can I raise my daughter to love herself and to never settle for less when I feel like I'm living the opposite? I don't want her to grow up with discord in the home but I really don't want to give up on the love in my life rn.

I can't even say he's the love of my life. Are you supposed to know instantly. When does it hit you that this is what you want for the rest of your life?

Am I being impractical. It's not a trait I usually posses but maybe I've given my ideal love life too much imagination & fantasy. Come on Olivia, you know you have.🙄 In all my fantasies there were few problems. They resolved themselves quickly & fully dissapeared after hot sex. That's a sign I don't really know what a relationship is.

Not everything has to be perfect but are you supppsed to be this unhappy in a relationship? If so, for how long? How do you know it's time to let it go?

It's embarrassing to even having to admit my relationship is failing as I come into a new yesr with a newborn. Smart. Nice. Good job.

Am I clinging to this thing we got going on to save myself the embarrassment of having to admit to everyone they were right. He ain't shit & we won't last & I'm fucking dumb. Is my pride getting away again like usual.

Now I realize there are TWO major problems I have when it comes to my love life stemming from one stubborn trait. My pride. I can't let no one love me & I can't let no one go. I don't want to hear a man/boy/whatevs say they had me. They got me. They can and have pressed all my buttons & can recite all my secrets. But I also can't have other people watching me fail in love & shake their heads. tsk tsk I told you so. Have everyone watch what I worked so hard to keep together completely collapse.

I'm in that tough spot. My whole life I ws raised to believe my future was to be a wife & live up under a man who will take care of me & my children. I was his & my dreams were to make his dreams come true. And when I was done w/that my next dream was to raise perfect children who's dream it was to be the best at whatever. And then help them live out their dreams.

I'm slighty jealous of Persephone. My parents love her so much. They want to give her everything & love her & watch her grow & want her to go out & reach for the stars. Why couldn't they love me like that? Why didn't I get that type of encouragement? Persephone is a month old.

In a way, they trapped me in this relationship b/c my mind was constructed to let a man come pick you & you raise him up when he's down & watch him glow when he rises.

Now I'm stuck between "I aint got no time to raise no man." & "Real women stand behind their man when he's down."

But my man is down b/c he wants. So do I up & leave him or help him realize he's worth more than people say he is?

Idk man idk

Idk idk.

I just want to take Persephone & disappear.

[sentimentalenergy]

What do you do when you don't enjoy your favourite tv shows anymore. When you don't enjoy making art anymore. When nothing can make you laugh anymore. When everything seems pointless. When you forget how to be happy. When you realise how easy it would be to kill your self. I feel so selfish for not wanting my own life. I know I take so much for granted and I feel so fucking guilty all the time but I honestly can't even see a future for myself anymore. I constantly feel like a set back, a second option, an inconvenience. I am so hard to love and to be around, and I hate feeling like a burden in everyone's life. I have suffered with self harm for about 4 years now and it's only gotten worse over time. Hiding scars is so exhausting and if for a second you forget about them and someone happens to look, they immediately become uncomfortable, they treat you like a completely different person.I don't like talking about my problems because people don't understand or they get angry at me. What am I supppsed to do. How can I learn to be happy again. I miss it. I miss laughing so hard that everything in my body would ache. I miss seeing beauty in everyone and everything. I miss who I used to be.

[delightfull-melody]

Some bad days actually make some sense... Something happened that made us feel sad, depressed, tired, searching strenght somewhere to keep going. But some don't even make any sense at all. Out of nothing you feel like that. Why is it? Dunno. Fuck. Now how do I fix it? Well... Dunno. What I am supppsed to do then? Lie somewhere where nobody boders me and feel worse, overthinking or not thinking at all but still feeling like shit? Now that doesn't seem very nice, does it? So...? So. Let's put a beautifull smile, get things done, don't overthink stupid things and tomorrow will be better. I know that because I know that I'll try my best to get things right. Specially for myself. It's fucking happiness internacional day, for god sake.