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welcometothewoes · 9 months

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Long angst-ish university AU prompt for your OTP

I keep thinking of a scenario where the inseparable high school sweethearts A and B end up going to different countries for university/college, and make the effort to keep in touch despite the long distance between them.

At first, they both keep spamming each other with pictures, finding the cultural tidbids endearing and fawning over their respective campuses, dorms and sightseeing spots, basking in their newfound independence - but as soon as classes start, they find less and less time for each other, and don't really have the time to keep tabs on one another anymore.

A has always been more outgoing of the two, so they fit right in from the start - they truly feel as though they've started LIVING, they rave about every lecture, they're constantly tagged in pictures of outings on social media and they find a part-time job as soon as the circumstances allow them to. They visit every nearby city in their new region, their Sunday nights go by as they (try to) study with their colleagues, sharing snacks and childhood stories as a bonding ritual. They miss B - they really do - but they truly believe that the self-reliant B is having a similar, maybe even better experience.

Whereas... the shyer, more timid B is quickly pulled back from their honeymoon phase into reality within as little as three months. Their new colleagues are nice and polite, though they don't feel themselves clicking with most of them; the lectures are fine but overwhelming, and getting shitfaced in a loud crowded club is deifnitely not as fun as they thought it would be. The one potential friend they made drops out before the end of the first semester, claiming that this education program was not what they expected. And really, B is FINE, the exams go FINE, the new environment is FINE, EVERYTHING IS FINE, B tells themselves one April morning as they contemplate staying in bed and skipping lectures for the fifth day in a row, fully in denial about their own depression.

So when A and B finally reunite after an year for the summer vacation, the bright-eyed, vivacious A has so much to tell that they don't know where to begin, seemingly reborn by their newfound independence and lifestyle, as if... happier. Without B.

A takes their dear B's silent discouragement as their usual timid reluctance, so they invite them to speak out first, curious to see what experiences the detail-oriented B has had, unaware of their inner turmoil. But really, having spent the last few months in a grey, desolate haze, alternating only between the echo of the lecture halls and the confined, narrow space of their own door room, what can B even say?

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staretes · 8 months

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HELLO hope this isn’t too random (and you don’t have to post this) but i recently came across your blog looking for star rail content and i saw that you’re also se asian, 15, and adhdtistic 🤍🤍 wishing you a good year ahead !!

GAH WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON

thankyouthankyou! wishing you a good year ahead too 🫶🫶

why is the image so big help-

#[✦ - mail!]#alright to be completely honest #they're self dx #because im really unable to receive any mental health services at all #after a long long time of researching and asking my audhd friends #they say i am most definitely both and self dx is widely accepted #but im still terrified of being judged by friends when i say this #it hurts but my priorities rn are trying to make sure the lack of accommodations dont drag me down #because in the most recent round of exams i didnt wear earplugs and wow my grades plummeted #am i rambling? im rambling #hehe sorry sorry but at the end of the day its about finding yourself yes #okok im done now

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tr0ubledberry · 1 year

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Hi friends. I’m 21F and have been struggling with my body image since 2009 which led me to develop anorexia around 2014. I’ve been struggling ever since and have tried every trick and diet out there but have finally settled on my own so I thought I’d share it. First of all, recovery is a lie. There was a point in my life where I fully recovered but made me fat… it was nice not to worry about calories and all that but the pros outweigh the cons of an ED if done correctly. So think of your ED as a lifelong friend. In order to have an ED successfully for a long period of time you must go about it healthily. I know this is somewhat contradictory. I’m gonna include just some general tips, advice, and food alternatives. In a separate post I’ll be listing my favorite low kcal recipes so stay tuned.

GENERAL TIPS

•Drink water before, during, and after meals. This is absolutely crucial.

•During this period it’s important to spend extra time and effort on maintaining your vaginal health, immune system, fertility, and skincare !! Really important not to neglect these things especially vaginal care >.<

•Calories matter but make sure to eat nutritious foods. Must have a good judgment on when to splurge on kcals or when to go for an alternative. For ex: splurging on healthy foods that are a lot of kcals vs unhealthy processed foods that are low kcal.

•It’s good to strive for 1200 kcals or less. If it’s a cheat day or you’re feeling lenient then aim for around 1600 kcals. Never ever go over 2000 kcals.

•if you’re a foodie like me then you *have* to find creative and unique ways to curb your cravings. Otherwise your mental health will plummet. If you’re not satisfied then you’re either gonna keep eating or be miserable

•Remember your brain needs at least 330 kcals to function properly so if you’re feeling slow or disoriented then definitely have a snack or meal.

•Best drinks to have are water, sparkling water, tea, and coffee.

•If you eat over your calorie limit don’t fret, it’s not the end of the world. Just either work out or purge. Keep purging to a limit and don’t do it more than once a day. Ideally less purging is better so keep it for emergencies.

•Using apps such as my fitness pal are great for seeing what nutrients you’re deficient in or going overboard in. However I’ve found I lose more weight when I’m not using the app because I’m thinking about food less. However everybody is different and I would recommend at least checking out the application if you haven’t already.

•Vitamins are your bestie too!! I take a couple supplements to make sure I’m getting the vitamins I need for longevity.

•Cut down on silly calories like sauces and drinks by using alternatives. Also you can pretty much find a low kcal version of anything these days if you look hard enough.

•If you love flavor then these simple things will help like ~ seasoning, low kcal hot sauce such as Tabasco or sriracha, soy sauce, etc.

CRAVING ALTERNATIVES

•Juice or sugary drinks ~ low sugar Gatorade, fruit flavored teas iced with extra tea bags to give it extra flavor

•Soda ~ flavored sparkling water with powder or liquid drink mix such as crystal light strawberry lemonade drink mix

•Starbucks ~ just making my own mixed coffee drinks and sweet tea drinks saves so many calories

•Dessert ~ Gerber biscuits arrowroot (taste like shortbread), Gerber lil biscuits, cottage cheese, chocolate covered fruit or nuts

•Chips ~ Gerber’s Lil Crunchies Mild Chedder (basically cheese/ cheeto puffs), quest chips, or half a serving size of normal chips

•Ice cream ~ strawberry halo top

•Chocolate ~ alter eco or dark chocolate coconut fudge

•Mayo ~ miracle whip or vegan mayo

•Rice ~ cauliflower or broccoli rice

•Pasta ~ Chickpea pasta

#ed bllog #th1n$po #tw ed diet #tw ed vent #4n4r3x1a #4norex1a #th11n$p0 #4norexi4 #th1nsp1r4t10n #ed meals #b0dy ch3ck #b0dy check #b0dy chex #m3alsp0 #m3alspo #tw ed rant

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infranthrax · 2 months

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helo. im one they call 🍂 and id like to. make a request. i hope ur doing okay (*＞∇＜)ﾉ ur free to write this or not

i would like to request an angst w/ a good ending type of thing if its okay. a platonic f!reader&heartslabyul (seperately. if its limited to one character, you can go with riddle) headcanon that has the following plot;

mc is a pessimistic person, a very tired, overworked one. all they want is a bit of peace and quiet, but they care about the heartslabyul gang very much. they have kind of become a mom/older sister to the group (kinda like trey). anyway, one day the gang realizes that mc seems more irritable than usual which results in them making a snide remark/get in an arguement about the guy's flaws (like how riddle hurt many pre-overblot, how ace runs his mouth at the worst times, how deuce is not the brightest around, cater being addicted to his little social media sites, and trey ignoring the problems regarding riddle because he didnt want conflict, etc etc) that would hurt them.

they kind of ghosting everyone for a couple of days to calm down, and then they awkwardly come back with a box of sweets (that they managed to purchase by scraping by lmao, girlie's poor as hell...) to apologize, and eat them over tea! mc apologizes directly and wants to make up for their words, but they are not the best at speaking their mind.

ive seen countless fics where the main cast gets to be the agressive and sad, sopping wet cats, and reader comforting them. ngl, i wanted to write a piece where MC is the "sad little pathetic shrimp" but i just didnt have the time. anyway, i hope you like this prompt

oh my god I love this prompt! the mc is definitely the therapist of the group and I can imagine this happening… I restricted it down to just riddle given how detailed this prompt was, the rest of the dorm is self explanatory.☺️/pos (and thank you for your kind words! I hope you’re having a good day/night!)

generating new memory… please, one moment… ✨

𝐁𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊!

Heartslabyul x f!reader — headcanons!

sypnopsis: mc has had enough of the anal shenanigans after a near traumatic event, and she lashes back out at riddle, who is left bewildered and heated at the event.

light tw // domestic conflict, implied traumatic event

riddle rosehearts

riddle is just anal and sometimes he comes off as bossy and or ungrateful. that’s not really his intention however. that’s just an act of conditioning he’s been through.

so when he sees that you’re overwhelmed, at first he blind sighted to it. riddle isn’t great per se at emotions— let alone the ones of other people.

he gets on you for being late to class one day and it all piles up. You’re in a dorm full of boys— what girl wouldn’t have enough? at the time it was little around the time in which riddle overblotted, and he just went on with daily life like none of that ever happened.

he fucking hurt your ass. quite frankly that was the first (of many) overblots you’ll have to go through, and that’s how you’re gonna handle it? hell no, especially after the fact that you had to play superwoman to get the goons out of a near death situation.

before this, you had gotten into tiffs with the redhead on numerous occasions, trying to ground him down. never really did it work though as he was always stuck in his perfectionist ways. and you hated that about him because his mannerisms reflected into you.

he expected you to be able to carry yourself in a manner that would suit him. he expected you to dress a certain way. he expected you to follow his orders, his rules, his ultimatum. that you couldn’t stand any longer.

when he got on you for being tardy, the melting pot overflowed… and it wasn’t pretty either. let’s say you were in pain, in addition to your mental health plummeting due to not really having anyone to talk to, and then when mother nature calls upon you for your monthly drain you must attend.

you shouldn’t mess with the wrath of a woman on her period. this, riddle learned the hard way… with you.

“riddle… i swear… on god’s green earth, if you don’t shut the hell up… i’m fucking TRYING. I’M TRYING! FUCK YOU, YOU UPTIGHT PIECE OF SHIT, GO ON SOMEWHERE!”

and then the fire brewed. and then it exploded. (quite literally.) it would be hellish screaming match between you two, despite riddle claiming he is above such things. he really isn’t, he’s got a temper that’s about as fagile as glass. (no, it’s not microwave safe.)

after your blow up with riddle, you both proceed to give each other the silent treatment for the better part of a month. during this time you find comfort in your other classmates, spending time with other students outside of heartsllabyul, namely vil and rook, just for a boost of female empowerment.

and while riddle was contemplating all the bullshit that went down between the two of you, he began to feel a little bit of guilt. mattered if fact, both of you did. you shouldn’t have been so aggressive and he shouldn’t have been so… well, himself.

before class one day you enter your lab room to see a small box at your seat with a little note attached to it.

it was from riddle— a little chocolate potion bottle with those biscuits— the exact ones from the disney movie. little did he know, you happened to pop by sam’s shop to get him some mini fruit tarts and snuck into his class early to put them on his desk. you ate his little gift up, in a little bit of worry. would he accept that?

at the end of the day though, you had to return to heartslabyul to see him. and what a surprise, he wanted to talk to you.

call it him playing kiss ass— no, he’s not. he’s sorry. to be true, he should be more careful and more intuitive as a dorm lead to ensure the comfort of his students, and he does understand that sometimes he can come off as overbearing or, dare i say dictatorial. it’s really not meant to cause harm. it has a lot to do with his upbringing.

and you were sorry too. and you both hugged it out. every couple has their tiffs, right? just something he’s gonna have to work on.

#📍|| infra is logging…#twisted wonderland #memory bank #quick access #files application #twst #twst x reader #riddle rosehearts #riddle rosehearts x reader #riddle x reader #heartslabyul #twst angst

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ideas-4-stories · 5 months

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Hiii it's me, "more cross guild fluff dammit" anon again. Heads up I do talk about the "Crocodile is trans and that's what Iva's secret knowledge is" theory if that's not your cup of tea.

All three of the leaders of Cross Guild have days where they struggle to get out of bed. Crocodile when he has extreme dysphoria, Mihawk when he's overstimulated, and Buggy when his mental health plummets. They made an agreement that on those days there is to be no fighting, and to help each other with their self care routine instead. Buggy + Mihawk make Croc sit in front of a mirror and say gender affirming praises while discussing how handsome and masculine he is. Buggy + Crocodile ensure everyone stays far away from Mihawk's tent and come lay on him if he needs some pressure therapy (when I'm overstimulated I like it when someone "crushes" me). Crocodile + Mihawk coax Buggy into a bath and help him go through his intense skin and hair care routine. Somewhere along the line someone points out how domestic this all is and they realize that in these quiet moments, where they've learned to let their guard down around each other, they've developed feelings that are maybe a bit more than platonic.

I love that theory! It's quite interesting and it wouldn't surprise me if it's canon to One Piece. More representation of different people!!!

Mihawk seems to be a person that would whisper sweet gender affirming praises to Crocodile while Buggy would yell at him that he's a very handsome manly man, stumbling over his words in trying to find more things to say about Crocodile being who he is. They probably have to shut Buggy up, Crocodile is definitely goanna be tone deaf in one ear for a while. Couldn't have any other way thou.

Buggy and Crocodile trying their best help Mihawk when he's overstimulated is so cute!!! I like your idea of how it would go down. Maybe they could read a book together if Mihawk is okay with talking himself, while Crocodile and Buggy listens to him.

Crocodile and Mihawk doing that for Buggy is so tooth-rotting sweet and I love it!!! I've read a couple of fics where Buggy basically those delusions/hallucinations of have being back into the memory of those traumas. Blending the line of reality and memories. Even though it's a really sad thing, I like to headcanon it. That means Mihawk and Crocodile taking the time to get him back to reality by helping him with his routines sound so cute.

I know yesterday I said that I'll do one every day until the weekend. But things are getting clear so I can at least two every day. I see all the asks, so the people who asked don't worry I've seen them. I just homework and personal things going on. Going in order!

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ckret2 · 8 months

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God I LOVE the idea of Bill just disassociating for a couple of millennia, but I also had an idea where he deliberately goes out of his way to keep himself FROM doing that. Constantly trying to find new things to stimulate himself, just to stop himself from just shutting down and spacing out. Because when he does that, the only thoughts he DOES end up thinking about are ones he's deliberately trying to drown out with stimulation and noise. When things are quiet and dull, it's easier to hear things you don't want to hear.

Of course that doesn't work and he ends up shutting down for a couple of millennia anyway (because overstimulating yourself is not the solution to avoiding your problems, WILLIAM), but then he snaps out of it and goes back to doing what he did before. Rise, cycle, repeat.

It's funny you say that because just a few paragraphs after the excerpt I posted:

Someone knocked on the bathroom's doorframe. "Hey Bill?"

He instantly snapped out of his futile meditative state. "Yeah?"

"Are you using the toilet or just lurking creepily?"

"Lurking creepily!"

Mabel pulled aside the curtain and turned on the light. "Do you wanna help me make a video on—"

"More than anything." Bill got to his feet and—ow—cracked his sore back. Meditating could keep you sane when you were in the deepest depths of sensory-deprivation boredom, but it didn't actually offer you any entertainment. Mabel, on the other hand, did.

And for Bill, "entertainment" is usually just a euphemism for "distraction."

Definitely, I feel like "meditate for the next eon or two" is his option of last resort. He is not nearly a chill enough motherfucker to meditate for his mental health; he meditates for his mental preservation, only when faced with the threat of boredom powerful enough to destroy him*. Voluntarily dissociating is only what he turns to when he runs out of distractions: but when you're a trillion years old and trapped in the forgettable junkyard dimension, you run out of distractions often enough to get good at it anyway.

(*The sole exception is if he needs to try meditating, for example, totally hypothetically, because he's been involuntarily trapped in a human body and he thinks that might help unlock his dream demon powers. Otherwise even sitting in the hallway watching the wallpaper peel sounds more rewarding.)

He's had enough practice to plummet past "fully thinking" down into "zero thoughts at all nothing happening upstairs"—which is good for him, because otherwise he wouldn't be able to stand the things running through his head.

#astro b o y d #ask #about my writing #bill goldilocks cipher

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lunar-years · 1 year

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also also. a lot of people are coming at Shandy for being clueless and bad at her job (true) but ignoring that (and know that I say this with DEEP love & affection for her, truly) Keeley is also... kind of clueless and bad at her job?

I don't mean bad at every aspect, obviously she's great at running PR and she proved that by a tenfold during her time at Richmond. But she is categorically not being a great boss right now. She's certainly trying really hard, but she's overcompensating and flailing and the result is that everything is not going well.

Rebecca had to tell her what a CFO is, which means she doesn't understand (i.e., hasn't taken the time to understand) the roles of her employees; She literally did not know her boss'/financier's name or that she was a woman? What? She was more concerned that Jack see her as mysterious and interesting than you know, competent and a good employee. And yes, she hired Shandy without consulting anyone, but then she's not given Shandy the supervision and guidance she clearly needs. Why was Shandy thrown into that whole Bantr campaign all by herself? (And Shandy, by the way is also not bad at every aspect of her job. She was doing well at running the shoot. Presumably she got Zava to hype up Richmond a bit on his socials. She heard 'Bantr needs more subscribers' and ran with it, but she didn't understand the assignment when it backfired on her and it is kind of coming across as...Keeley didn't totally explain it to her?)

And again this is NOT a diss at Keeley or me trying to totally alleviate Shandy of blame for her very large and questionable fuckups. I think the idea is...they are both floundering because they are both lacking the belief and support of the people around them. Keeley, I think, is very paralyzed by imposter syndrome and feeling so out of her depth that she's just... given up on some aspects of her job. Obviously her coworkers dismissed her off the bat because of how she presents herself and how they equate that to her not being professional enough or smart enough etc. This is completely awful, but it does not negate the fact that just as they don't understand her, she doesn't understand them? And she hasn't been shown to make any real attempt at connecting with them in a meaningful way.

At Richmond, she had Rebecca's support every step of the way. Now, she is isolated. Not only at work, but also in her personal life. Her only friends are both coworkers (Rebecca & Shandy) and then there's her breakup with Roy, which she hasn't had time to fully process or come to terms with because of the job.

The theme seems to mimic what's going on at Richmond right now: we can't be our greatest selves on our own. We've got Roy isolating himself as a bad solution to his problems, Ted's once resounding belief in his team giving way to like, complete and total apathy, the team misplacing their belief entirely in Zava alone, Nate's mental health plummeting now that his only "support" is Rupert. And they're going to flounder like Keeley is floundering. Like Shandy is floundering and will continue to flounder as even Keeley's faith in her wains.

We need the people around us. We need their belief. In the end, coming together is obviously what's going to save the team, but I do think the same thing will happen for Keeley at her workplace. Things are definitely going to get worse with Shandy in the interim, but I hope in the end she is able to prove that Keeley's initial belief in her was not unfounded. Just as Keeley will start to build a new support system, with (hopefully) Jack, and reconnecting with Jamie and presumably Roy, and regain the belief in herself that allows her to believe and uplift the people around her, too.

#keeley jones #ted lasso spoilers #ted lasso #my man jamie is the only one believing this season. smh!!!#in all seriousness #I don't think keeley is doing very well mentally right now and it's absolutely reflecting in her work.#also. I'm annoyed at how this fandom treats the female characters they don't care about...Sassy & Michelle & now Shandy #even though these characters are no more or less flawed than any other 'more important' character on the show

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snake-shifter · 1 year

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!SPOILERS FOR THE WATCHING AND DREAMING PROMO PLS BEWARE!

Words and images cannot describe how deranged I get when I think about Luz in Belos' uniform.

Cause it's like.

It's the fact that this is clearly in a nightmare the Collector has set up, so Luz's greatest nightmare is becoming Belos, even though that would never even be a possibility. It's the fact that, by unknowingly helping Philip find the Collector, Luz has basically set everything happening right now into motion, it's the fact that Luz knows this or at least believes it and it's severely affected her mental health ("And it would literally be better if he never existed") and it definitely plummeted after the attack at the graveyard.

It's the fact that Luz knowing that her help caused all this chaos in the demon realm and lives of her friends is why her nightmare is becoming Belos.

It's the fact that Belos used his humanity, or just the fact that he was human, to manipulate Luz and psych her out. which, in the case of Hollow Mind, upset her so much that her first action was to deny it ("No, NO, you're just Belos!").

It's the constant parallels between the Wittebane brother, and Luz, and Hunter; and what that means for their arcs and relationship with eachother, especially since it looks like Hunter will be reverting back to the Golden Guard if he gets a nightmare.

(It's the smaller detail that stringbean in staff form resembles the staff Belos would use and whatever THAT will entail)

IT'S THE WEIRD PARALLEL MY MIND CREATED BETWEEN PHILIP TAKING HIS BROTHERS JACKET WHEN HE DIED, AND LUZ TAKING BELOS' OUTFIT WHILE HE'S ON THE VERGE OF DEATH HIMSELF, I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I NEED YA'LL TO HEAR ME OUT.

It's the fact that, no matter what her friends did to reassure her and tell her differently, she's still dead set in the belief that her actions have hurt them and the people around her, or that despite what he saw Philip believed that the only way he could stay in this world was if he destroyed it.

It's the fact that, based on what we saw Belos and Luz are gonna have a confrontation in the palace where the titans heart is, and Luz is going to have to accept that yes, her actions, unknowingly, had severe consequences, but that doesn't and will never make Luz like Belos, because while Belos may be human before he will never get his humanity back, while Luz has that and empathy, and a curiosity that led her to befriending and fitting in among the demon realm, and a love of the strange, and a strong imagination that she never gave up on.

Luz and Belos will never be the same, and yet everytime I think about how they are similar my brain just goes:

#luz noceda #toh #the owl house #toh spoilers #the owl house spoilers #watching and dreaming #watching and dreaming spoilers #belos #philip wittebane #hunter noceda #toh hunter #dice moments #btw i should clarify #I'm not saying Luz is gonna become belos or that she did all that maliciously #or anything like that #I'm just pointing out how the similarities between them is something Luz seems to have noticed herself #qnd what that means for the narrative and her character #EDIT: I forgot to add the read more sorry :(#I MEANT TO BUT I WAS TOO EXCITED

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dimonds456 · 14 days

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Gonna take a break from Tumblr for a while, I think. My mental health has been plummetting, and I need time to get back on my feet.

Though a large part of it is definitely the on-going genocide, my eyes are still on Palestine. If I reblog anything in the next few days, it'll more than likely be either personal stream stuff (huge maybe on that) or Palestine news.

I'm okay, I'm not going to do anything drastic, I just need to take a step back and take a breath. If anyone needs me, DMs are good, or if you can reach me on Discord that would be better.

See ya when I see ya. Eid muburak.

-Dimonds

#a lot of this is just activism burnout #my friend reminded me it exists earlier today and i think its finally catching up to me #its not just palestine- ive been fighting for something far more personal since September last year too #its really finally starting to get me #im frustrated i cant do more and im tired and my mental health is only getting worse with guilt i cant control #its just a lot. i need to get my head on straight.#like i said im not going to do anything drastic and im still very much online- just not tumblr #idk when i'll be back but it shouldnt be too long i think #uh. yeah.#cya #dimond speaks

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elderlingacademic · 8 months

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Update

So, tumblr just saw fit to tell me that this blog is now nine years old, which is... wild and strange to me. It's been a long time since I've been on it, and some of the posts are still getting notes, so I thought I'd stop by with a catch-up on how things are.

So:

I've finished my PhD. The process was bad enough to make my mental health plummet to previously unseen depths (for me, anyway), which is why I dropped off the face of this earth blog. I managed to pass with technical corrections only, which is a huge achievement that I think one day I might figure out how to feel about, but it's too soon right now.

My mum has read it, and thought it was very good - I'm hoping sometime (it's gonna be years, but) to be able to reread it with a clear head and appreciate it. Same with Realm of the Elderlings, honestly.

End of PhD meant some big life changes, some of which I'm still in the middle of. I live in a different city now, and I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, because academia is no longer the answer.

I guess for the last year since I finished I've been wanting to post something about this but trying to work out how, and I think that the core of it is this: it is okay for things to not work out how you expected. If you are neck-deep in academia right not, it is not the whole world, I promise you. I finished my PhD, but I seriously considered quitting, and I still don't think that would have been the wrong decision. (Neither was carrying on. They were both acceptable options, no matter how fraught I felt about them at the time).

We are taught to view our lives like a kind of funnel - we start with a plethora of options, and then we narrow down further and further until we specialise (oh we might have other unrelated hobbies, but the core of it is Our Thing). But that's not how that works, that's not how any of this works at all. The world is wide. I can choose anything now. I mean, most of the things I've thought of so far I don't actually want to do for various reasons, but I know myself well enough to know that I'll figure it out eventually. If I just let it simmer in the back of my head, and give it time. You don't have to know the answer; in a way, you are the answer, if that makes any kind of sense.

I stuck with the job that I picked up part time to fund my PhD, and took it full time. It's definitely not a forever option, but it was a blessing to be in a new city, strangely liberated from the PhD that took up eight years of my life (and the general academia that took up the majority of my whole life before then), and doing something I already knew how to do. It's helping rebuild my confidence, and I know that whatever come next is going to be something I can make something of.

I hope that's not so rambly as to be incoherent; regardless, I'm glad I wrote it. I do still see asks on this account, so if you ever have any queries about academia (not the technical side, but what it feels like to get through sometimes), let me know. I can't promise quick answers, but I'll try to answer most things.

I hope you are all well, and thank you for the notes that remind me this blog still exists - a testament to the love and enthusiasm I had for this project at the start, and that I still hope to rediscover some day.

#PhD Progress #Blog Maintenance #academia

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narconfessions · 1 year

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Not dark per se, but definitely a NPD confession that I dont feel I can share elsewhere.

I actually Do want to collect "oppression points." I like being part of marginalized groups because it makes me feel special and being the victim in situations makes brain go brr. I dont go so far as faking things to feel oppressed, but I do take pleasure in being plural/disabled/queer/trans/cluster B/autistic/a trauma survivor/etc (which I am) partly because I like feeling special.

(Disclaimer this is not to say that discrimination and hatred based on these things does not affect me negatively. I do experience and struggle with ableism and queerphobia and other things.)

i can't believe my eyes because i genuinely thought no one else felt this way and im so relieved to know im not the only one. this is tough with my severe impulsivity too because sometimes i impulsively come out in situations where i KNOW i'm not safe just because i impulsively want attention and sympathy.

i think the problem with the whole thing surrounding "oppression points" is that most often, it's just a term pulled out by marginalized people who have fallen into the trap of respectability politics, to describe people who don't fit their worldview. for example, autistic people who i've seen shit on autigender people because "IM autistic and IIIII understand gender so why can't you". and just look at the endless cycle of exclusionism within the queer community. it's always that we "just want oppression points to be special" but the whole problem in the first place is that we've made oppression out to be something special in the first place! the online world has placed a hierarchy on who is coolest and most valuable based on how many marginalized identities they have. we've created this idea that being marginalized is "cool". sure, it can be a big part of your identity but i've met so many people online who genuinely believed they were cooler and more interesting than cishets just by virtue of having a different gender modality or sexuality and i've also met so so many cishets and guys whose mental health has genuinely plummetted because they think they are not cool because they have no or very few marginalized identities and it's like. being gay or trans or nd or disabled IS cool, but it's not what MAKES YOU COOL! no one is inherently better than anyone else based on unchangeable aspects of their identity because your morality is based on what you choose and how you act, not just who you are. i'm not saying "aw boohoo white cishets are so oppressed" because that's bullshit, but i do think it's ridiculous how much we've turned marginalization into a competition of cool points. you can have as much pride in your marginalized identity as you want but you are not morally better just by virtue of being an Oppressed Person. so that's why this whole "oppression points" thing has taken off and instead of criticizing the hierarchy of oppression-based worth and value that's contributed to it, people just blame other marginalized people for being the "wrong" kind of queer or nd. there's nothing wrong with liking having multiple marginalizations and enjoying the attention from it, it's just when it becomes, like you said, something that people take as paradigm for peoples value or "coolness" and fake stuff because they think it'll make them cooler, when it's a problem like babe no! you are not a boring person just cuz you're cis or straight or nt or abled or white or whatever you have a personality and a life and a value. if people realized that they had value outside of societal checklists and boxes, then people making fun of other marginalized people for being supposed "fakers wanting oppression points" will die down. (none of this is said to invalidate you it's just my take on the nuance of the whole 'oppression points' thing.)

#reign replies

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mygloviesme · 7 months

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cool about it. || myg

no. 4: get out of my head about it

predebut/debut!yoongi x female idol

summary: kanako is an established idol with a growing career and a secret relationship with a producer from her label, haneul. when she’s asked to work with yoongi and rm to create a track for her, she gains unexpected feelings for a certain upcoming rapper. with her increasing fame, her controlling boyfriend, a set of six boys who seem to have grown an attachment to her, and a new boy who’d give her the world, how will she figure out a way to balance it all?

(definitely inspired by boygenius)

word count: 2.6k

genre: ANGST, friends(?) to lovers, slow burn, lots of pining

chapter warnings: toxic relationship (not w/myg), mentions of mental health, grooming (not w/myg), age gap relationship (not w/myg)

inspo song: the bug collector song by haley heynderickx

JANUARY 30th, 2012, 9:14PM

I slump into my bed, my body aching with how much I’ve had to perform and rehearse this week. And I’ll have to persevere through much more. It’s been a great way to distract myself from the breakup, though. If I busy myself with all of these responsibilities then I won’t have any time to think about how me and Haneul have broken up.

Until night falls, that is. When I come home at the end of the day and lie awake for a good hour more than I should, thinking of everything that I did wrong. Everything that went wrong. The bruise on my wrist hit its peak mid-week, having to lie to my makeup artists, saying it was an accident and to please cover it up. But it’s grown fainter, little by little. One zoom in though, would cause a domino effect of theories with my fans.

They’re all oblivious to my ex-relationship, given all the times he publicly humiliated me in front of pedestrians and workers. You would think something would have ricocheted and sent my career plummeting at this point, but I could really only thank God I’m still surviving. Or, my long list of events I have to attend this week that make a good distraction for them as well as me.

Haneul didn’t send one message after our call last week. In fact, he’s blocked me everywhere I could ever contact him. I know that because of my pathetic begging for him to take me back on messages, the hard-hitting red words flashing underneath my message soon after. This message is unable to be sent. It’s so stupid, I know. All he did to me and more, and I still need him back. I haven’t known anything else besides Haneul. He’s my guidance, my angel, my counselor. But to him I’m merely a disobedient dog he likes to cage when need be. He likes seeing me with my head down and my hands by my sides, waiting eagerly for his orders. He liked pointing out everything I did wrong when I finally thought I did something right. He would twist me up in a jumbled-knotted mess and expect me to untangle myself.

I feel so starved at this moment. The Seoul lights have dimmed from my blackout curtains, the noise of the cars and drunk pedestrians is lackluster. I feel no motivation to continue my success. How can someone like him do this much to me? If only people could see through my facade and see me crying for help. I’ll never have the strength to do it myself. Even when my fingers are grazing my phone, wanting to click that number that I know belongs to Jungkook, I don’t do it. I just feel like a burden, like a nuisance.

It’s okay to do this all by myself. That’s how it’s been, hasn’t it? It doesn’t have to change. Spare others from seeing the real you, the one who accepts this fucked-up love you think you deserve. It’ll only scare them away to see how rotten you are inside.

You’re sick, you’re sick, you’re sick.

JANUARY 31ST, 2012, 7:25AM

In an attempt to escape my brain I take an early morning stroll beside the Han River. With a beanie and glasses and a face mask, of course. There are people on bikes, runners, some with dogs on a leash, just enjoying the crisp winter air. I don’t have many events to attend today, just two interviews and a few promotional videos to make. It’s an awfully quiet morning which most of the time I would consider a nightmare, simply because I get bombarded with my pessimistic thoughts.

But this morning is different, the quiet is singing and humming. My heart feels heavy but the frozen river is truly a sight to see, so like a warm hand picking up my falling soul, it holds me carefully. Just like how my mother would when we would visit this same river. I remember coming back here after she passed, wondering why everything looked the exact same. Why did nothing change? Why isn’t the earth cracking in two, with melting lava burning into the trees and grass? Why isn’t the whole country breaking in a frenzy, running away from this wretched city like there’s been a national alarm set off? I’ve always had a complicated relationship with this place after she died.

I felt like a ghost floating around, spooking the wayfarers, dogs, the plants. My eyebags had sunken into place and my fingers were defected and dry. Everything was meaningless, pointless.

Why did I ever choose to come back to the industry?

“Hey.” I hear, looking to my right. My eyes browse to hear where it came, soon seeing a familiar, tall body. I take my glasses off and see him fully, Namjoon. He has one foot on his bike to balance himself, both hands resting on the handle bars.

“I thought it was you.” He speaks rather quietly.

I nod and give a half-assed smile. It’s no offense to him, I’m just really not feeling like talking right now. I move my hands in my pockets and part them almost sarcastically, “The one and only.” I try to chuckle. I need to try harder.

I look him up and down, seeing him in sweat shorts, high socks and a coat. “Isn't it too cold to be wearing shorts?” I tease him. He shrugs, “The coat balances everything out.”

Now that’s girl math.

The quietude envelops the both of us, and we both seem to look over to the river. He doesn’t look at me as he speaks again, “I was hoping you’d stop by again. I mean, all of us hoped.” He says. Our eyes continue to lock afar and I take a small breath. It’s validating to hear him say that, to think that. It opens a door that I want to enter but I’m too scared to. Genuine friendship. There are so many things that could go wrong, but they make me feel safe. Being in that small room, the borrowed clothes, the yogurt. I seem to get caught up in the small motions. I need to slow down.

“I didn’t think I made much of an impression.” I say honestly. I barely spoke to any of them, why did they want me back?

“Well, we just like your company. We’ve been together in that dorm for a while and it was nice to have someone new.” His head turns to me, and I stare into the frozen body of water. I feel his eyes glaze over my profile, kindly. It’s odd to be looked at this way, like I’m being admired. In a way where there’s no ill intention. Just curiosity. I bite my tongue to stop myself from saying something of substance, instead trailing my eyes back down to my shoes.

“I’m just, uh, really busy. I’ll let you know when I can.” I say, giving him a smile and wave before turning on my heels and walking away. I put my glasses back on and bite the inside of my cheek, attempting to postpone the tears I feel crawling out of me. Rejection, rejection, rejection. It’s something I don’t do often, but when it happens, it’s never the right thing. I can never accept what’s good for me, only what’s wrong. My morals are screwed and so is my future, I know it.

I’ve been bound to this deep insecurity for what feels like decades, and the shackles are growing on me. The comfort and security of being six feet under my own personality is more digestible than something I haven’t known in a while, happiness.

Maybe I’ll just sink lower into my subconscious this time. If someone who knew me, truly, didn’t want me anymore, who would? Everything is so surface level, dinner, games, playful glances. I need to retract from everything that shows an ounce of myself from now.

Happy, young Kanako. Excited to be here, Kanako. Everyone’s little sister, Kanako.

Just nothing now. No more of this anymore. I don’t exist off screen. Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t think of me. I don’t think I can handle it.

FEBRUARY 10TH, 2012, 11:00AM

After a while of working, sleeping, working, sleeping I now sit in a conference room in the BigHit building. There’s publicists, lawyers, staff, and Bang-PD sitting at the very end of the long table, playing with his steel ink pen. I sit right at the other end as the table stays idle in utter silence.

I’m not sure why I’ve been called to this meeting, but something stirs inside me. A windstorm, a growing tsunami. Bang hasn’t looked at me once.

He clears his throat, “There has been something that’s come to our attention, Kanako. Two things.” He says. Everyone takes quick glimpses at me nervously, like they’re about to face the deconstructing of Kanako Fujishima. I nod slowly at him but he keeps his head down. He flips through his binder for a while until he reaches a glossy, zoomed in photo. He turns it over and places his finger under his chin, propping his elbow on the table.

“Is this you?” He asks, pointing at the photo. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

It’s me in one of the halls of this very building. One with Haneul’s tongue down my throat. The photo isn’t of great quality, but that’s me. In front of the studio room.

“And is that Haneul?” He follows.

My breath shakes and I gulp quietly, my hand trailing to my mouth. There’s tears. Oh God, there’s tears. They’re running down my face like a landslide. I’m getting overly emotional in front of these very professional people. It’s painful seeing me in the photo in such a compromising position. But it’s me and it’s him. “Kanako-” he starts.

“It’s me. It’s me and Haneul.” I word vomit, the letters of my sentence feeling like they’ve pooled the table. I tuck my hands between my thighs and look down. The buttoned-up witnesses stay quiet and watch me as I unravel.

“Kanako…this is…” Bang whispers.

I nod quickly, “Yes, yes I know. It was a mistake but it’s over between us. I know I’ve compromised my career and I’m so sorry.” I choke out. The man across from me sets down his hand and sighs.

“You’re right, this is a huge risk. But…that’s not necessarily what’s at hand.” He says lowly.

I tuck my hair behind my ear and move my head slowly, meeting his eyes. There’s a small string snot that dribbles down, embarrassingly. I wipe it off and sniffle. “What do you mean?” I ask.

He clasps his hands together and interlaces them, “We spoke to Haneul. He said he started dating you when you were 17. Which would be illegal if…” He motions his hand, not finishing the painful sentence. I swallow, nodding slowly. “It’s my fault. I initiated it first. I take all of the blame, I promise.” I whisper again. Pd-nim shakes his head.

“You aren’t at fault, Kanako. He was the…adult. He should’ve known better. The question is, are you wanting to..” He coughs and adjusts his papers out of what I assume to be nervousness.

“-Press charges?” He concludes. I perk my head in confusion. Press charges? What, like he took advantage of me? Like he should go to prison? I’m not that young and naive. I knew what I was doing. I knew full well.

“No, no. That’s not what I want at all. At all. He didn’t do anything wrong, it was me. I seduced him, I'm the one that wanted this.” I plead. I see a woman in the corner of my eye adjust her glasses. She leans towards me, “Kanako, we need you to know that what he did wasn’t right. You…do know that, right?” Her eyes follow down to my wrist that’s still wrapped with the faintest purple. But it’s there, and she recognizes it. I tuck my hand beneath the table once again.

I look her in the eyes, “I don’t think he did anything wrong. It would just be pointless drama if I pressed charges. Nothing happened. It was dumb, and I apologize.” I finalize. It seems the table succumbs to my words. The woman gives me a vague smile and leans back into her chair.

“One other thing, Kanako.” Bang-PD speaks. “We’ve decided to let Haneul go. We thought what he did did not align with our beliefs and core values here at BigHit. For your safety and the safety of other trainees, we made the decision earlier this morning.” He says.

My ears ring. My head spins. I blink slowly and stare at my hands, “Other trainees?” I say in one breath. I look to the table of staff, seeing some look at me with pity, others staring off. This is…

Bang writes something down on his paper and clicks his pen, setting it down.

“There were other girls who admitted that he had been involved with them as well. I know it’s hard to hear Kanako, but I assure you…” He continues, but it’s all cloudy. I shut my eyes in an attempt to ward off the thoughts that circle in my head like a rainstorm. I feel I’ve been caught in a forest fire but I don’t want to leave. I want to go down with this ship, I want to be a brave soldier and die valiantly. I want to be here, right where he left me.

There were others. There were others. There were others. Girls.

“H-How young?” I mutter.

PD-nim purses his lips, “I’m unsure if that's necessary for you to know that.”

I shake my head and laugh quietly, manically. “How young were the others?”

“The youngest was fifteen.”

His words pierce through me. I’m at fault, I’m sure of it. This suddenly became something bigger than me, and I could’ve stopped it. I was a coward, how could I want him back? How did I not know? How could I be so stupid?

“I’m so stupid.” I speak aloud, unknowing of it. I feel a hand on my arm and it’s the woman with glasses. Her touch is warm even if the tips of her fingers are cold. This touch is caring, it isn’t taking advantage of me. It’s like she’s consoling a child. Like she’s ready to take me in her arms and tuck me into bed. The table seems speechless, like they have been this entire time. My tears pool onto my lap like a deep river, reminding me of the body of water I was at just a while ago, not knowing then that my world could get worse than it already was. I’m alone again, all alone. Nobody is here, not even this woman with her soothing caress or Bang-PD who looks at me like I’m a wounded fawn.

And finally, I succumb to this childish feeling. At last I let myself mourn my innocence and my long-lasting maturity I’d been thrown to after my mother died. I’ve painted a picture for myself, I’ve made my bed and now all I want to do is lie in it. I want to learn what it is to be young and carefree. I want to break free from the iron bars of being a child that’s mentally years beyond her age.

I place my hand on the woman’s, looking up to Bang-PD.

“I think I just need…help.”

His expression softens, “That can be arranged.”

click here to read more of this story!

#yoongi angst #bts yoongi #yoongi #agust d #fanfiction #fanfic #bts fanfic #yoongi x fem #Bts #bts fanfiction

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hwangmimi · 1 month

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hi again!! bear (he/him) here with a muse i truly adore and haven't had the chance to properly write yet, hwang mimi! he's 23, has been somewhat homeless since he was 20. i say 'somewhat' because he's luckily had a few friends let him stay on their couch here and there over the years, and had housing during his 18 months of military service. here you can find links to his profile, and bio. under the cut i'll leave some tldr info about him. also, please like this post if you'd like to plot!

mimi was born to a very normal young couple, but when he was only 2 his father passed away in an accident. left to raise her son alone, his mother was rather vulnerable, and got swept up into a very 'extreme' church

a mere year after his fathers passing his mother remarried the pastor of her new church, but mimi hated the man. he might've only been a toddler, but he knew from the start he didn't like the man one bit

he was right to dislike him. turned out 'the pastor' (mimi rarely called him by his name, and never called him dad) believed in 'the man of the house' being in charge. his mother was expected to cook and clean, while the pastor sat around doing nothing when he wasn't working. for a while he didn't let mimi's mother work, insisting that women's place was in the home.

long story short, mimi hated home life, though the birth of his sister when he was 6 definitely brightened the place up a bit. he really took to her and they ended up being best friends

mimi's 'behaviour' always got him in trouble at school and at home, and he was frequently punished. it all came to a head when he was in university and had joined a rock band. believing him to be possessed, the pastor attemped two exorcisms on him before throwing him out and forbidding him from contacting his sister or mother

living on the street, or sleeping on friends couches (which mimi hated bc he felt guilty about not being able to pay them any rent or give them anything in return) led to a pronounced decline in his mental health, and eventually led to him ending up in hospital with alcohol poisoning, which was the catalyst for his elistment

after his discharge from military service, initially his mental health was alright, but upon going right back to his homeless state of 18 months prior, his mental health plummeted again and he ended up being persuaded to seek medical help

after being diagnosed with bpd, he's been trying hard to manage his symptoms and regularly sees a therapist, but still has his wobbly moments

he managed to get a job after his mental health sort of stabilised, but has yet to find a place to live, since he cant rent on his own (doesn't earn enough) but is also reluctant to spend money as he wants to try and save up for a place big enough for him and his sister once she become an adult and he's allowed to talk to her again (that is if she even wants to talk to him anymore)

mimi struggles with keeping stable relationships, as he has an extreme fear of abandonment, leading him to act quite clingy, possessive and jealous with those closes to him

he also struggles with emotional regularity, and can get very upset very quickly, over seemingly really small things, or have violent outbursts. he always feels really terrible about it afterwards, and is getting better at handling it, but he still sometimes slips up

he tends to only drink around those he's close to and trusts to keep an eye on him, as he's nervous about overdoing it like he used to when his mental health was really bad

he loves music, its his absolute passion and the first thing he turns to when he needs to calm down (which is why he's always got his overear headphones round his neck, to block out the world when it gets a bit too much)

he really has no idea where he wants to go in life. right now he's sort of content working in the music shop, and probably thinks about owning one himself one day, but he's aware people don't really buy physical CDs anymore, and only some people get vinyls, so he's a bit worried music stores will die out

#jongno:hello #[ mimi ; intro ]

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zerogate · 1 month

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The Treatment-Prevalence Paradox

More widely available treatment ought to abate the rate (and severity) of disease.

Take breast cancer, pitiless killer of over forty thousand American women each year. As early detection and treatment for breast cancer improved since 1989, rates of death from breast cancer plummeted. Or maternal mortality: as antibiotics became more readily available, rates of maternal death in childbirth collapsed. Better and more widely available dental care has meant fewer toothless Americans. And as we developed immunizations and cures for childhood illness, child mortality rates nose-dived.

And yet as treatments for anxiety and depression have become more sophisticated and more readily available, adolescent anxiety and depression have ballooned.

I’m not the only one to have found something fishy in the fact that more treatment has not resulted in less depression. A group of academic researchers recently noticed the same. They published a peer-reviewed paper titled “More Treatment but No Less Depression: The Treatment-Prevalence Paradox.” The authors note that treatment for major depression has become much more widely available (and, in their view, improved) since the 1980s worldwide. And yet in not a single Western country has this treatment made a dent in the incidence of major depressive disorder. Many countries saw an increase.

“The increased availability of effective treatments should shorten depressive episodes, reduce relapses, and curtail recurrences. Combined, these treatment advances unequivocally should result in lower point-prevalence estimates of depression,” they write. “Have these reductions occurred? The empirical answer clearly is NO.”

I checked with several of the paper’s authors. Two confirmed that the same might be said for anxiety. As treatment has become more widely available and dispersed, point-prevalence rates should go down. They have not. And while the authors admit that there was likely more depression in the past than we realized, they argue that there is at least as much, and probably more, depression now.

After generations of increased intervention, that shouldn’t be the case. More access to antibiotics should spell fewer deaths from infection. And more generally available therapy should spell less depression.

Instead, adolescent mental health has been in steady decline since the 1950s. Between 1990 and 2007 (before any teens had smartphones), the number of mentally ill children rose thirty-five-fold. And while overdiagnosis or the expansion of definitions of mental illness may partially account for this rapid change, it is hard to dismiss or contextualize away the startling rise in teen suicide: “Between 1950 and 1988, the proportion of adolescents aged between fifteen and nineteen who killed themselves quadrupled,” The New Yorker reported. Mental illness became the leading cause of disability in children.

Yes, the coincidence of these two trends—deteriorating mental health in an era of vastly expanded awareness, detection, diagnosis, and treatment of psychological disorders—may be just that: coincidence. It does not unveil a causal arrow. But it is peculiar. At the very least, it may provide a clue that many of the treatments and many of the helpers aren’t actually helping.

-- Abigail Shrier, Bad Therapy

#quotes

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richincolor · 10 months

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In Limbo: A Graphic Memoir by Deb JJ Lee

A debut YA graphic memoir about a Korean-American girl's coming-of-age story—and a coming home story—set between a New Jersey suburb and Seoul, South Korea.

Deborah (Jung-Jin) Lee knows she's different. Ever since her family emigrated from South Korea to the United States, she's felt her Otherness. For a while, her English isn't perfect. None of her teachers can pronounce her Korean name. Her face and her eyes—especially her eyes—stand out. As the pressures of high school ramp up, friendships change and end, and everything gets harder. Even home isn't a safe place, as fights with her mom escalate. Deb is caught in a limbo, with nowhere to go, and her mental health plummets. But Deb is resilient. She discovers art and self-care, and gradually begins to start recovering. And during a return trip to South Korea, she realizes something that changes her perspective on her family, her heritage, and herself.

This stunning debut graphic memoir features page after page of gorgeous, evocative art, perfect for Tillie Walden fans. It's a cross section of the Korean-American diaspora and mental health, a moving and powerful read in the vein of Hey, Kiddo and The Best We Could Do.

Review: I've been on a whole journey when it comes to reading graphic novels. I try my best to read a wide variety of them, particularly in the MG and YA categories. But I've found, time and time again, that my favorite graphic novels are typically memoirs, particularly memoirs that touch on topics close to my heart -- identity, race, family, and immigration. In Limbo grabbed me from the moment I laid eyes on the gorgeous cover, but it's Deb JJ Lee's heartfelt and poignant life story that really touched me.

In Limbo follow Deb through her childhood and high school years as she struggles with being othered and bullied by her peers, while experiencing a difficult home life and a fraught relationship with her mother. As someone with my own fraught relationship with my immigrant parents, this really resonated with me. In Limbo doesn't shy away from tough topics and emotionally raw depictions of Deb's life growing up. I appreciated the thoughtful, nuanced narrative that Deb has managed to weave from her own life.

The art, as you can tell from the cover, is absolutely gorgeous and does a fantastic job of working with the text to portray a story both beautiful and heartbreaking. This graphic memoir made me a fan of Deb's art, and I am so looking forward to whatever Deb chooses to illustrate or work on next.

If you're looking for a thoughtful, evocative graphic memoir that covers themes of family, race, and identity, I would definitely recommend checking out In Limbo -- In Limbo is an absolute must-read.

Recommendation: Get it now!

#in limbo #graphic novel #ya lit #graphic memoir #book recommendation

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mushroomwillow · 4 months

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Going over the last year, and the rollercoaster that completely derailed my life, and opened a chapter I never expected to get too. It’s very long, and I just wanted to get it out. Definitely don’t expect anyone to actually read it tbh.

Technically things started October 2022. I went too my then best friend’s wedding, I was a bridesmaid. I met one of the groomsmen, we’ll call him Elora.

That was the catalyst of the beginning of my escape from a 5 year long extremely abusive marriage. I had been trying to find a way out for myself and my daughter for a year + before then.

November 19th 2022 my daughter and I moved in with Elora and his family, the two of us had been dating long distance for less than a month. This happened after a fight with my ex on the 17th, I was genuinely terrified I wouldn’t survive after that fight. I recorded as much of it as I could with my phone hiding in my pocket.

Insert the insane whirlwind of the next year. January 2023 my best friend, whose wedding I had been the bridesmaid in, who I’d been friends with for 18 years ghosted me through an angry backhanded mess. Elora’s entire friend group listened to a horrible onslaught of over dramatizations and lies about my past. Secrets I hadn’t told anyone, stories I never wanted repeated to anyone, least of all to a fresh relationship and total strangers I’d only met once before and had never talked too outside of discord.

I found out that because I had met Elora through her, and him and I immediately connected and continued to engage in the healthiest friendship and relationship I had ever been in, even though it had barely been a couple months, she was furious. Suddenly, she was angry that I hadn’t slept with her and her husband. We had mentioned it, laughed about the idea, and because I decided against it, she had this wave of anger that I honestly and truly did not expect.

I learned that she’d been watching me the last 18 years, going to anyone that would listen and telling them how I was this massive great comedy and dumpster fire that she thoroughly enjoyed watching.

Then I really saw everything about the friendship. In 18 years, I had been abused by my mother, fallen into addiction to drugs, homeless for a couple years, a series of short awful relationships, been through one of the most traumatic periods of my life, and begged her to help me, but always got the same answer. For eighteen years. “Sorry, I just can’t, I’ve got x,y,z going on” (moving to another state with a friend, changing jobs here and there, getting married, the usual life changes most adults go through). And not once did she even lend $5 for a sandwich when I was begging for change on the side of the road just so I could eat.

Elora and I were left with his family, and a couple of my friends that were detached from her. We moved into our own place. He stuck by me through finding a new job off and on, trying to navigate being away from my daughter while she was at daycare for the first time in her life (3 years at that point). His health plummeted. He dropped out of college because of it, also bounced to job to job.

March came, I had agreed to a horrible custody situation because it was the only way I could get through the divorce without having to get an attorney I could in no way afford. 6 months with me, 6 months with my abusive ex husband. We were officially divorced.

Elora’s health was in the shit hole. We both bounced from job to job still. I started processing the utter confusion of being in the first ever relationship where screaming matches, true gaslighting, emotional, psychological, mental, and sexual abuse, were never a thing. We got into disagreements sure, still do, but never once was it a fight. Communication, discussion, space when needed or wanted, complete and utter respect of boundaries, all came naturally. I started to see and question so much about myself. Not in the horrible ways I had before, but a truly enlightening and honestly depressing way that really showed that when put into a situation where everyone around me showed me kindness and respect, I didn’t fear myself. I didn’t get angry like I had before. I never felt like my mind and body were a trap that reacted in fear and violence just to get away and to safety from the onslaught of being told how horrible, insane, angry and vengeful I was. I realized that the voice in my head that had been pleading the whole time that none of that was true, was actually right.

June came. I was forced to let my ex husband take my daughter across the country for the next 6 months. I dealt with my depression by throwing myself into a job that I started out really loving and being very passionate about. I talked to my daughter every day over FaceTime. Elora’s health was still all over the place. My chronic pain got worse.

September I had a patient that triggered childhood trauma I thought I had dealt with, but actually just shoved in a corner to survive everything else I was going through. I had an injury at work as well. Realized that although I loved my job, it was causing too much stress on my body, my head was in a constant state of overwhelm. End of the month, I went across country for my daughter’s birthday. Yes, my ex had made it so that I had to spend over $1000 to see her for her birthday, she was there for my birthday a week and a half later. Elora’s parents went out of their way to join Elora and I in going to her birthday. She went into a bird exhibit where hundreds of parakeets landed on us. She’s terrified of birds, but because I was there with her she did the most brave thing she had ever done in her 4 years of life, and loved it.

October. My birthday came and went, Elora’s family who had only ever celebrated family birthdays, no boyfriends or girlfriends birthdays, made me a meal specifically full of food that I love. His mom even hunted down catfish and tried her hand at frying it. His brother showed up, he barely showed up for other family members. I’ve never felt so welcomed into any family, not even my own. I started therapy. She validated everything I asked about, everything I confided in her. Told me that I had been right the whole time, I had been in a state of survival sense early childhood. That I wasn’t “insane” my mind was reacting in an effort to protect me in the only way it knew how. I also started seeing a doctor about my physical health. He too validated my concerns, completely listened to me and started out the very first appointment with “if you’re ok with it, let’s start at the base line, test for all the things you’ve brought up, here’s some concerns I have we’ll also test for, and let’s continue testing until we find out what’s going on. I don’t think it’s all in your head, we’re going to figure this out. You don’t need to be in so much pain, that’s not right.” He’s the first that’s ever listened to me. My therapist is also the first. I started college, a bachelors in psychology, something I’ve wanted to do sense I was a teen.

End of October, I had a total breakdown and quit my job. I had gone to my boss, explained that by the end of November my daughter would be back and I needed regular hours. That I couldn’t keep getting called in with half an hour notice if I was lucky. She told me “this job isn’t meant for single parents. You’ll have to deal.” So I finished a shift with an extremely difficult and rude patient, texted my boss and said I quit.

November was rapid fire, interview after interview. Elora had to quit the job his parents were proud of him starting, causing a lot of guilt for him. He started a new one that just barely paid his bills. I had just enough to pay my own bills and the ones I take care of for our apartment.

End of November. Elora’s parents pay for me to get my daughter. Totally without ever being asked for help. Flights, hotel, all of it. I ran out of money for bills for December. I had been told no by every job I’d interviewed for.

December. My daughter was with me, I was told I started an at home job, I had a week to get her into daycare and get approved for gov assistance. Just barely got approved in time for my new job. Day of my new job, my daughter having a full meltdown going to her new daycare. I spend the entire day fighting with tech support, finally being told “oh, we sent the wrong equipment, you’ll have to wait for the next training week. Sorry but you’re fired, we’ll get back to you.” I got paid for just that day. Had no way to pay bills.

Unexpectedly, I got a partial payment from my student loans. Enough money to pay my bills, and get my daughter stuff for Christmas, get her a new bed sense she’s getting tall quick and a toddler bed wouldn’t cut it. I had an interview with a place I wasn’t remotely qualified for. They offered me the job. Said they’ll pay for my training, certification, and give me a head start into a career relating to my degree.

I start that job tomorrow. January 2, 2024. Where the hell did 2023 go, how the hell did so much happen in just a year. How did it go by so fast.

Elora and I are engaged, taking that engagement slow, he’s the closest friend I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt safer with anyone, seen, loved, understood. Shown empathy and patience. Supported in ways I didn’t think possible. And just over a year of being together, we’ve still never fought. Disagreements are met with communication, space, boundaries respected, the freedom to ask for advice from others, and a trust that I’ve never experienced before.

I don’t like New Year’s resolutions. However I am manifesting 3 major events for this year. January 2021 I manifested that by the end of 2022 I’d be divorced and free from my ex husband. It happened in a way I didn’t expect, but in a way that truly helped change my life for the better. 2024 will continue that manifestation. Myself, my daughter, and Elora will continue our journey into the best lives we could ever live. We’ll be free from the abuse and trauma that we’ve experienced. Through actual blood sweat and tears, I’ve made it this far.

#mushroomwillow rambles #2024 #abuse #tw abuse #ptsd #tw ptsd

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