#maybe i just overanalyze lyrics a lot so i was hoping to see that in all their solo work | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cygnus-rex · 15 days

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We all overanalyze know about Joel’s neck kisses playlists, and he knows we know.

What if Etho had a neck kisses playlist?

For funsies, I made one. I based it off music he said he likes and stuff he’s listened to in the past: Halestorm, The Pretty Reckless, Halocene, Paramore, AViVA, Monstercat.

I also included lyric samples below--enjoy!

“I Get Off” - Halestorm

There's so much left unspoken Between the two of us It's so much more exciting To look when you can't touch You could say I'm different Maybe I'm a freak But I know how to twist you To bring you to your knees I get off on you Getting off on me Give you what you want But nothing is for free It's a give and take Kind of love we make When the line is crossed I get off

"I Want You (She’s So Heavy)" - Halestorm

I want you I want you so bad, babe I want you I want you so bad It's driving me mad It's driving me mad

“Into You” - Halocene

I'm so into you I can barely breathe And all I wanna do Is to fall in deep But close ain't close enough 'Til we cross the line, hey-yeah So name a game to play And I'll role the dice, hey Oh baby, look what you started The temperature's rising in here Is this gonna happen? Been waiting and waiting for you to make a move Before I make a move

“Reckless” - Halocene

You make me so damn reckless You made my life a hurricane You make me so damn reckless I’ve lost all sense of reality And I don’t wanna fight it I invite your insanity

“Fetish” - Halocene

I can’t deny Your appetite You got a fetish for my love I push you out and you come right back Don’t see a point in blaming (you) If I were you I’d do me (too)

“Focus” - Halocene

Focus on me (focus) Focus on me (focus on me) I can tell you're curious It's written on your lips Ain't no need to hold it back Go head and talk your shit I know you're hoping that I'll react I know you're hoping I'm looking back But if my real ain't real enough Then I don't know what is Let's find a light inside our universe now Where ain't nobody keep on holding us down Just come and get it let them say what they say 'Cause I'm about to put them all away

“Break In” - Halocene

Yeah, it's perfectly reckless Damn, you leave me defenseless So break in And take everything I have Till there is nothing left Till it's just your voice in my head And when the lights come on You see me as I am You're still inside me

“Pillowtalk” - Holocene

Yeah, reckless behavior A place that is so pure, so dirty and raw In the bed all day, bed all day, bed all day Lovin’ you, fightin’ on It’s our paradise and it’s our war zone It’s our paradise and it’s our war zone Pillow talk My enemy, my ally

“Mad Love” - The Pretty Reckless

Now there's someone inside me I think it's you Won't let you go, babe Until I am through with Your love […] I am alive when I battle with you You think you amaze me I think that it's true

"You" - The Pretty Reckless

You can't see me, no Like I see you I can't have you, no Like you have me And I want you in my life And I need you in my life

“Crushcrushcrush” - Paramore

I got a lot to say to you Yeah, I got a lot to say I noticed your eyes are always glued to me Keeping them here And it makes no sense at all […] I guess I'm dreaming again Let's be more than this

“Still Into You” - Paramore

I should be over all the butterflies But I'm into you (I'm into you) And baby, even on our worst nights I'm into you (I'm into you) Let 'em wonder how we got this far 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all Yeah, after all this time, I'm still into you Well, some things just, some things just make sense And one of those is you and I (Hey) Some things just, some things just make sense And even after all this time (Hey)

“Emergency” - Paramore

If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong 'Cause I won't stop holding on So are you listening? So are you watching me? [...] 'Cause I've seen love die Way too many times When it deserved to be alive When it deserved to be alive I've seen you cry Way too many times When you deserved to be alive

"Be Alone" - Paramore

So what if I don't have a lot to talk about? I shut my mouth and keep it locked until it counts And what if I don't ever want to leave my house? Stay on the couch while all my friends are going out Alone You should be alone Yeah, you should be alone You should be alone with me We could be alone Yeah, we could be alone But never get too lonely

"Stop This Song (Lovesick Melody)" - Paramore

The longer that I live with this idea The more I sink in To this 4/4 beat, I'm in time with you, oh-oh, oh-oh To this 4/4 beat, I would die for you (Let's stop this song) I've gone too far to come back from here But you don't have a clue You don't know what you do to me I've come too far to get over you And you don't have a clue You don't know what you do to me […] It creeps in like a spider Can't be killed Although I try and try to Well, don't you see I'm falling? Don't want to love you But I do

"It's Okay It's Alright" - AViVA

You're possibly wondering if things will be alright You know I can't promise but I know we'll both try 'Cause when I look into your eyes they're like the sun And when you smile I feel so warm and so at home

"Wasteland" - AViVA

See you standing right there, right there I couldn't change you, wouldn't change a thing Tonight I'm watching both your bright eyes They're full of danger, full of questioning Your lips, your touch, it always drives me crazy Always drives me crazy It's way too much, with you, it's never maybe You, it's never maybe

"Love and War" - AViVA

Thought that I couldn't be me Without the pieces of you Making it so hard to breathe I still don't know what to do You've cut my heart from me, run from me But I trusted you so Thought that you'd fight with me, fight for me Now I really don't know

"Run Right Back" - ORACLE & Holochrome (Monstercat)

A thousand miles in between us Talk all night, it’s never enough Try my best to believe in love But I’m a mess and you’re the reason

"Thinking 'bout You" - Scarr. & Finding Mero (Monstercat)

[instrumental]

"Calling" - Mango, Cloudcage & Matt Sky (Monstercat)

Yeah, I've been trying hard to breathe Been pushin' down what's underneath It's growin' stronger and I'm gettin' weak It's risin' up and capturin' me […] We were down deep and had no clue Buried down, fallin' far for you Gettin' lost in a starless blue

"Strangers" - ORACLE & Holochrome (Monstercat)

I wonder Anything ever be better than this? I wonder Are you and I more than a passing eclipse? Dance in the sky Sun and the moon I shine in your eyes Looking at you like Shooting stars I'm in your atmosphere Love the way it feels, yeah

"Falling For You" - SABAI, With Løve, & Nevve (Monstercat)

Falling for you Suddenly shakes what I knew Your breaking through, brings me to life This is what it feels like

"All We Needed" - Koven (Monstercat)

All we had and all we lost All in time to speak to us Heaven knows at least that we tried Holding on to little things 'Cause we can't forget the better days Playing on repeat in my mind […] Stop giving to yourself We can have it all again We can have it all again Stop pushing me away We can have it all again We can have it all again

"Waiting" - Kuuro feat. Bianca (Monstercat)

Seek me out, hear me shout "Come get it" Don’t you simmer down, right now Want you acting like you’re in the wild […] Midnight, locked eyes Looking like you got an invite Alright, maybe we should take this outside Skin tight in the moonlight (Oh)

"Dilemma" - Stonebank & Bianca (Monstercat)

But I can see your eyes run down me And all my sense just floats away […] Hey, I'm in a dilemma 'Cause I want your body but I don’t do wrong I'm in a dilemma You've been looking over hеre for far too long, yeah The morе I look in your wicked eyes The more you're leaving me hypnotized No, no, no, I'm in a dilemma (Oh, yeah)

"Horizon" - Odsen & Katrine Stenbekk (Monstercat)

I used to view you as a mountain That I couldn't climb at first But I've only stumbled over diamonds And I no longer fear the worst You were the calm to my storm You could take the wind And though the winter would come Weighing on our shoulders at least the Ice could never break us in

#boat boys #smalletho #ethoslab #smallishbeans #Spotify

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alkaloidalypse · 1 year

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im too tired to make a long essay of me overanalyzing the mv so im just gonna rocket fire my general thoughts about it

SIKE this game has me on a chokehold i can never stop overanalyzing

LIKE THIS SHOT. ITS SUCH A TINY CHANGE IN EXPRESSION, SO LITERALLY TINY, BUT IT CONVEYS SO MUCH EMOTION AND I HATE IT HERE

no but seriously i infer its because natsume was the one who wrote their ‘happy ending’. so him having an expression like this is like a ‘4th wall breaking’ because natsume was the writer in this ending. but this ending never happened.

alternatively, it could just be a genuine expression he would have made if they did have this ending. im not entirely sure if its meant to be negative or a positive emotion but im guessing its more positive. like a “we did it. we’re here. im happy we’re all here together and i won’t have it any other way”

then we have this specific shot

“We want to feel your rhythm (Right here).”

do i have any idea whats going on right here? no. i just unfortunately have a lot of emotions

---

the second part i want to at least talk about was the choice to change the instrumental of the animation mv. put it simply, i love both renditions but i wondered why they decided to make the instrumental different. from what i remember, the instrumental for genuine revelation was the same for the animation mv, so why the change?

im not going to guess the music direction they took but there is something i realized upon listening to both of them.

ive listened to the original more times i could count now, and i remember how ‘happy’ it sounded until you see the lyrics and remember the story of the five eccentrics. its from there the ‘happiness’ of the song lessened to something more bittersweet in a way. the music is happy, but their story is not. they aren’t the winners, so they sing their sorrows, lament on the fate they are being pushed into but at least being able to find joy having each other, even if in the end they have to suffer for it. and as the listener, while enjoying the music i don’t necessarily feel joy (it is still a beautiful song)

but the new mix of eccentric party night, the whole music video, i can’t keep up with it. there were so many things going on on screen and the instrumental is so drastically different from the original. the build ups, the techno sounds, honestly all of that reminded me of a rave party

and that’s when i realized. that’s exactly what the animation mv was about. its a freaking party. no duh, its in the title. but they basically took that word and use it in their mv tenfold. a party is a celebration, a happy occasion, and in this ending that’s impossible to achieve, there is something worth celebrating

the lyrics are still the same, their voices are still the same. but somehow, the energy and vibe was completely changed. its like they’re hyping the crowd up to join in their party. theres birds flying, sparklers around the stage, natsume doing magic that affected the whole room, glowing balloons and said balloons being released into the air. freaking confetti everywhere, the lights changing depending on the chorus and verse and GOD there’s just so MANY things going on and it never stops. its a goddamn party and im loving it

even the group itself, they kept on jumping and twirling around while still doing the main choreography and keeping this energy up the entire time

honestly, i have not felt this hyped listening to an enstars song before. every time i watched the mv i just want to jump and join them in their dancing. i should be sad. i should feel bittersweet about it. but for some reason, im not

maybe eventually i’ll feel that same sadness i did for the original, but for now i hope there’s a full version with this mix. because i would love to dance around my room to this song

#ensemble stars #enstars #i hate this game #natsume sakasaki #i was thinking of another reason why this mix sounds 'happier' than the original #but im too tired to formulate words #i did not mean to make this long #another note #i find it interesting that both EPN and genuine revelation put focus on tsumugi and natsume's expressions #even if its such a small change #the real ending tsumugi got from fine #and the happy ending natsume wanted for the eccentrics #but fr does anyone else feel hyped because i cant sit still whenever i watch the mv #its just so full of life #god i love and hate this game sometimes #im a casual viewer i swear #its just so FASCINATING OKAY #this is making me want to read the old stories from basic

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chocojjk · 4 years

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Hyunjin’s Playlist

summary: college student! hyunjin x college! student reader; strangers to lovers?

words: 5.2k

a/n: Hi, I meant to upload this a lot earlier however I was met with tons of writers block along the way. I wrote this without having an actual plot prepared lmao. But anyways, its done so I hope someone enjoys reading this :)

all songs used are songs that hyunjin has played on vlive but please keep in mind that the way the songs are portrayed are based off of my own interpretations. i am in no way speaking for hyunjin :)

one.

we are often attracted to instruments that mirror our own identity. we find comfort in knowing that we aren’t alone, that somewhere out there, someone is feeling the same exact way. they say a person can tell a lot about another based on their playlist. songs become a portrayal of one’s feelings and experiences. through someone’s music, you can tell what kind of person they are.

“Let me see your playlist.”

“What?” the boy responded, curious as to why you chose that as your conversation starter. nonetheless, he unlocks his phone and opens his spotify app, showing you the songs that have definitely left a mark on his heart.

Places We Won’t Walk - Bruno Major

A blissful song with a hint of sadness. The boy in front of you treasures the small things in life, yet is saddened by the things that he cannot reach.

When The Party’s Over - Billie Eilish

He’s put up a wall. He’s not easily understood. He’s aware that he can hurt others so he has made himself believe that he’d rather be alone. That he’s better off alone.

Instagram - Dean

He’s lonely. He often compares himself to those around him, wondering why he isn’t living the same luxurious life with all the same cheerful smiles that he sees on his feed.

Please Love Me - Colde

He wants to be loved. “I like you,” you smiled, handing him back his phone, taking the seat next to him.

“The weirdest thing happened to me today.”

Hyunjin started telling his friends about the girl he encountered on his first day of university. It’s been hours since it happened yet he couldn’t shake it out of his head.

“That’s it? She just asked to see your playlist?” Jisung exclaims, one eyebrow going up and a pout making its way on his face as he wore the same confused expression Hyunjin sported earlier that day. Hyunjin nods, answering the question that his friend had laid out for him.

“Hmm, that is weird,” Felix agreed

“Maybe she’s actually a psychology major and it’s a project?” Seungmin suggested, trying to find the answers to the situation that has left them all clueless.

“Orrr, maybe...just maybe...she thought you were cute?” Jeongin chuckled sarcastically

“But that’s literally all she said to me, she didn’t look at me after that anymore...when the class was over, she was gone without saying goodbye… s-she didn’t even tell me her name!” Hyunjin whines, sinking into his chair.

“Why don’t you just ask her when you see her again?” their youngest retorts, tired of how his older friends were always overanalyzing things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

You frustrated the boy. The way you didn’t even know his name yet somehow you came to the conclusion that you liked him. The way that you spoke exactly 8 words to him but made it seem like you know every story he has to tell. You made him feel vulnerable and he did not like that.

Not one bit.

“What's your name?” Hyunjin plops his backpack down as he takes the seat next to yours, the same ones as last week.

“Why does that matter?” you ask, clearly teasing the boy.

Hyunjin plasters on the fakest smile he could muster up, not really having the patience for your mind games, “well, if you’re gonna continue to sit next to me then the least you could do is tell me your name.”

You bite back a smile, his music gave too much of him away. He was good at hiding his feelings though which is something you’ll give him credit for later on. Honestly, if you weren’t paying attention, you might have missed the sour expression that was laced within the boy's tone of voice nor would you have noticed how he’s trying to show you that he’s unbothered by your words.

Unluckily for the boy, your attention was focused solely on him. And so, you push his buttons some more, “technically, you were the one that sat next to me.”

Hyunjin stares at you, trying to read what was going on in your mind but all he could feel was the annoyance that was seeping through his body.

God, you were annoying.

“Slowly, hair will turn to gray,” you mumbled, a smirk forming its way on your lips. “What?” Hyunjin replied, a word he seems to be saying a lot ever since he met you. “If you keep thinking so hard, your hair might turn to gray soon,” you joked yet it was clear to the both of you that it was only funny to you, the boy not catching on to the fact that you were phrasing a lyric from one of his songs.

“...my name is y/n,” you say, finally deciding to give the boy a break.

“Alright class, I want to talk about your partner project, please find someone in the classroom to work with. This will be done throughout the semester and will be 30% of your overall grade so take it seriously,” the Professor informed, capturing both yours and Hyunjins attention.

“This project will be simple - it’s all about observing. Since this is a PSYCH class, I want you and your partner to pick 3 spots and just simply observe the people around you. For example, if you are at the cafe, what could the person in the corner with her eyebrows furrowed be wondering? Is she studying for an exam? Is she worried about a friend? There are tons of possibilities but I want you and your partner to jot down what you see and explain what you have observed.”

“That’s all for today, I’ll release you guys early so you can all have a head start,” she explained.

You turn to the boy at your side, “so…you want to be partners?”

Hyunjin doesn’t really know why he said yes, seeming he wasn’t comfortable with your presence at all. He convinces himself that he just didn’t want to go through the extra hassle of finding a partner when you were already available. Besides he could honestly care less, the only reason why he’s taking this class was for the extra units. After all, he was a music major.

“How about here?” you suggested the grassy area in the middle of the campus. This part of the school was peaceful however it wasn’t quiet. Laughter and chatter from all the different kinds of groups filled up the morning air while the birds chirped along and occasionally, a squirrel or two would cause a bit of a ruckus.

“We could grab some food and just sit down on the grass,” but the puzzled expression on the boy's face lead you to assume that he didn’t quite like the idea, “just so we would blend in more,” you added, hoping that it would be enough for the boy to say yes.

“We don’t need to get food. We can just sit here and pretend we're talking, a lot of people around here are doing just that.” He was right. All you could do was nod and let out a sigh as the two of you sat next to each other, observing the scene ahead. You were hoping you could grab a quick bite during this since you still had classes for the rest of the day but that obviously wasn’t the case so you chose to just cover up your rumbling stomach with a cough or two here and there.

“What do you think about him?” Hyunjin pointed at the boy that was sitting on the bench, flowers in his hand as he types away on his phone.

“Hmm, I noticed his smile first, he’s practically beaming. He’s probably going to surprise his significant other. His legs bouncing up and down from excitement,” you chuckle, finding the anonymous boys’ action cute, “he’s probably texting them right now so they could meet up,” you concluded. You turn to Hyunjin, noticing his eyes slightly widen at your response. “What do you think?” you ask, slightly nudging him out of his trance.

“well... I think you’re right that he’s waiting for someone. But for me, he’s probably gonna confess to that person...uhmm, his ears are pink so he’s nervous… probably afraid of rejection. Because of this he’s probably texting a friend for advice,” he observed.

His answer didn’t surprise you, after all, you’ve already seen some of the deepest parts of him - even if he was unaware. On the other hand, he was in awe. Your guys’ answers were so different from the other. The way you viewed the scene ahead as something positive while his was more on the negative side. This sparked interest in him. But he breaks out of his thoughts as he hears your failed attempt to hide your growling stomach for the umpteenth time.

He stands to his feet, grabbing you along with him. “Uhm, where are we going?”

He doesn’t say a word. He just grabs your hand and drags you along until you’ve arrived at the university’s main food court. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed your stomach rumbling for the past twenty minutes,” he teases as you try to hide the blush that was making its way upon your cheeks. Now you were left speechless, nothing in the boy’s music has suggested that he had this sweet side to him. The side that would easily let someone in.

“I think we got off on the wrong foot,” you admitted as Hyunjin handed you the sandwich he had ordered, one for you and one for him.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m sorry that I came off strong on the first day,” you apologized, aware of the way that you’ve been pushing his buttons and leaving him uncomfortable.

“Why did you ask for my playlist?” He was finally going to get an answer to the event that has left him stunned for the past week.

“It’s just a thing I do,” you confess nonchalantly, “I check to see if we have similar taste in music and from there, I come to a conclusion on whether or not you’re cool enough for me to talk to,” you lied. You weren’t going to admit to him that the reason you do it was to analyze him. I mean, what kind of person assumes a person’s whole character through their songs, right?

He wouldn’t understand.

Honestly, you don’t even really understand yourself why you do it. Maybe because you liked having the upper hand - that way, no one can hurt you.

Hyunjin lets out a laugh and you feel a little guilty. “So, if my songs were bad, you wouldn’t talk to me?” he chuckles.

“Yeah, no… not in a million years,” you joked, laughing along with him.

“So what would be a bad song to you?” he questions, a small smile playing on his lips.

“I don't know, uhh-despacito?” you snicker

Honestly, there were no such things as bad songs. When it comes to songs, everyone is entitled to their own opinions but you had to play along with the little lie that you’ve already started.

“Hey! I like that song!” Hyunjin retorts, playfully throwing a crumpled up tissue paper along your direction, the two of you sharing a laugh as the small guilt you felt a while ago diminishes. It’s not like it’s going to hurt him anyways. You only see each other once a week and it was for class. Otherwise, you never see the brown haired boy on campus. You didn’t even know of his existence until you startled him with your question.

The only reason he became your target was because the only empty seat was the one next to him.

two.

Second location. A frat party at the famous 3RACHA unit, who you’ve learned were good friends of Hyunjin. It was Hyunjin’s idea, convincing you that you guys will probably get a higher grade if you’ve incorporated various kinds of scenes. Plus, it was his first frat party and he didn’t want to miss it. You on the other hand was dreading this night ever since he brought it up in class last week. Parties weren’t your thing, you would much rather stay at home binging netflix shows, reading fanfictions, or watching compilations of your favorite kpop idols. But here you are now, rummaging the kitchen for something that didn’t contain alcohol as you’ve given up searching for the boy himself.

“y/n!, heyy,” Hyunjin stumbles in, a red solo cup in his hand.

“There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Can we please get this over with so I can leave,” you huffed, annoyed at the boy in front of you and the situation that you’ve found yourself in.

“No.” He pouts before letting out a laugh, his eyes turning into little moons.

“No? What do you mean, no?”

“Let’s have some fun first!” he beamed, dragging your hand out of the kitchen and into the party, ignoring your many protests. “Hyunjin, I didn’t come here for fun!” you sigh, arms crossing as you finally put a halt to the boys actions.

“C’mon y/n, loosen up a little bit… you’re in the first party of the most popular frat in town, enjoy it while you can.” This time he holds his hand out, though his eyes had a tinge of red from the alcohol that was playing in his system, the sincerity in them couldn’t be missed.

And so you do.

You take his hand in yours as he shoots you one of his signature smiles. You party the night away with the boy at your side. He introduced you to a handful of new people but you forgot their names as soon as it came out of their mouths.

You had way too much to drink but somehow you find yourself stumbling towards the park nearby, the boy's hand still in yours as he shares the story of how his best friend Jisung got chased by a duck and you couldn’t help but let out a boisterous laugh. Nothing about your laugh was pretty and if you weren’t so drunk, the embarrassment would’ve probably creeped up by now but you didn’t care. You couldn’t care - not when Hyunjins laugh would mix in with yours and you guys would have to literally cling to each other for strength.

“Tag, you’re it!” he breaks you out of your thoughts as he starts running away, his laughter still ringing in the air as you chase him. After a while, you give up, you were in no way, shape, or form, fast enough to catch the boy - especially with all the liquor bouncing around your stomach.

You sit down on the grass, catching your breath, your laughter dying down as your back hits the grass, eyes focusing on the twinkling orbs above. A few seconds later, warmth fills up beside you, Hyunjin taking his place next to you, mirroring your actions.

“We never observed a person,” you say chuckling, breaking the silence that quickly hung over the two of you.

“Sorry,” he smiles sheepishly, turning to you. Hyunjin takes this time to fully take in your appearance. No doubt in his mind, you are one of the most beautiful girls he’s ever seen.

“Why don’t we, umm -,” he pauses, wondering to himself if this was going to be a good idea for him.

“Why don’t we, what?” you reply quickly, curiosity getting the best of you as you turn to your side coming face to face with the boy himself. Your guys’ face were millimeters apart and the sudden feeling of his breathing being so close to you felt intoxicating. You dart your eyes down to his lips, thinking what it was like to feel them upon yours.

Hyunjin lets out an awkward cough, breaking the tension in the air as he stares back up at the stars. “Why don’t we observe each other?” he suggests after his heartbeat finally calmed down.

“Oh uhmm, o-okay,” you say, your voice faltering, pushing back your desire to kiss him. “You first,” you whisper, keeping your eyes locked into his features.

“uhh, I think you’re wondering what the hell you’re doing with a boy you barely know at 3 in the morning. You don’t want me to notice that you’re actually really pissed at me for dragging you into this party and not getting any of our work done,”

The boy takes a pause as soon as he hears you giggle ‘hyunjin, you are so wrong,’ you think to yourself.

“You’re the type to always get your shit done and you’ve probably already figured out everything you want in your life ever since you learned how to walk. You… you shouldn’t be wasting your time with someone like me,” he muttered, slowly turning to face you, this time a sad smile placed upon his lips. You sympathize with him, feeling sad with the way that he viewed himself.

“Okay, uhm…you're anxious right now because you don’t know how i’ll react to your confessions. You’re the type of boy who doesn’t want to let anyone in but at the same time wants to know how it feels to be loved,” you sigh, the guilt you were feeling creeping in once again, slowly eating you up. Hyunjin grew tense under your observations. He hated how easily it is for you to read him when he thought that he was doing a decent job at keeping up with his facade.

“You don’t notice the way others look at you because you’re too busy nitpicking your flaws. You didn’t notice how you were literally the life of the party back there. You didn’t notice the amount of girls practically begging for your attention…” you hesitate saying the last thing in your mind but as soon as you turned to him and saw the way he was looking at you, you couldn’t help but let the words stumble out of your mouth, “you don’t notice how much I want to kiss you right now,” and with those words out in the open, he brings his hands up to your cheek, slowly placing a light kiss upon your rosy lips and you swear you’ve never tasted anything better. It was a quick kiss, leaving as soon as it came, but the mix of his cherry chapstick and the alcohol created a combination that left you wanting more. Leaning up, you kiss him again, his mouth moving perfectly in sync with yours, deepening the kiss that you find yourself getting more and more addicted to with every second that passes.

Hyunjin pulls away first, his thoughts finally all coming together as the alcohol was starting to slowly leave his system. He looks at you, the fear evident in his eyes. He fucked up and he knows it. He shouldn’t have kissed you. You guys were friends and frankly, he liked your company. He can never be that guy who starts a relationship with someone. He was sure that he was incapable of love and could never give you what you wanted. You knew this, of course. You knew this from day one.

“I’m no good for you,” he sighed, mumbling several apologies for the actions that he took. And you realize how truly scared he was. That the tough image he’s keeping up isn’t because he had to but because he truly believed that it was the right thing to do.

“That’s okay Hyunjin, we can blame it on the alcohol,” you wished you didn’t have to but you knew yourself that you couldn’t let this get deeper than what it was now.

Hyunjin walks you back to your dorm room, making sure you were safe inside before he headed back to his own place.

-quiet when I’m coming home, i’m all alone.

three.

Hyunjin saw too many relationships around him fail, starting from his own parents. For him, love was merely an illusion. A desire that people get caught up with not because they are in love but because they lust the idea of love. The idea of having someone there to hold, to laugh with, to share stories with - it was all bullshit to him because at the end of the story, someone always leaves. Someone always says goodbye. It wasn’t worth it.

Not for him.

But sometimes he’ll see a picture on instagram and wonder to himself, could those smiles be permanent?

“Are you just gonna keep stalking her social media or are you gonna actually talk to her?” Jeongin breaks the boy out of his thoughts.

“I’m not stalking her!” Hyunjin replies defensively, hiding the pink that was creeping upon his cheeks.

“I’ve literally been here for the past 3 mins just looking at you scroll through her feed and you didn’t even notice,” the younger boy points out, teasing him. Ever since the night at the park, Hyunjin couldn’t bring himself to talk to you. He knew that the both of you agreed to just forget it but could he really forget something like that? You made him feel what he was scared of the most. You made him feel like he wanted to fall in love. The memory of your lips against his keeps him up at night, your laughter ringing in his ear while the warmth from your fingertips makes him feel like he’s completely losing it.

How can he still feel you when you were nowhere near him?

How did you get past his wall so quickly?

And why, fuck, why does he want you in it?

You, on the other hand, haven't made any effort to reach out either. He was right about you. You were a know-it-all. Ever since you were younger you knew that you wanted to help the people around you. You enjoyed listening to others’, letting them know that they are never alone and that they could always turn to you for advice or simply just if they needed someone to listen to them. You liked the idea of being someone’s safe haven - that’s why you want to be a psychologist.

But this - the way the boy made you feel, the way he cluttered your every waking thought - this was something you didn’t plan. This was something you didn’t have the answers to. Grabbing your phone, you finally gain the courage to send the boy a text

Hey, we still have one scenario left, any ideas? - y/n

Hyunjin reads the text, his heart suddenly doing somersaults in the air. ‘Hyunjin, stop.’ he warns himself. He knows that he wasn’t ready to see you and so he ignored it. Grabbing his backpack he shouts a quick, “I'm gonna go practice,” before heading out to the dance rooms to try and clear his head.

umm, what do you think about going to the diner across town? - y/n

You did it. You double texted. After several hours, the boy still hasn’t responded to your text so you decided to take manners in your own hands. But as soon as you pressed send, you felt pathetic. He’s most likely just busy and that’s why he hasn’t replied but you like to make yourself believe that you had more of an effect on him.

You were about to scream into your pillow, feeling frustrated at the situation until your phone let out a small ding, indicating that you’ve received a new message.

sure - hyunjin

how does tomorrow at 6pm sound ? - y/n

good - hyunjin

These one word answers were killing you. For someone who usually knows and can assume what’s about to happen beforehand, you were left clueless and that annoyed you.

“Hey, am i late?” hyunjin takes the seat across from you. no, he wasn’t late. you just arrived way earlier than the time planned hoping to calm your nerves before having to face the boy who has settled himself into your mind.

“What do you think of that girl over there?” you point at the girl who was sitting, laughing along with her group of friends.

“geez y/n, can’t we order something to eat first,” hyunjin jokes. He barely got there and you were already on top of it. typical, he thinks to himself. You let out a small smile, happy at the fact that the boy was teasing you. Honestly, you were afraid that his responses were going to be as bland as his text messages and it has been killing your thoughts the whole night.

“ok ok,, my bad… let’s order first,” when your food arrived, you fell into a comfortable conversation. like the thoughts that the both of you have been struggling with never existed. but in the middle of the conversation, something clicked within you.

You can‘t read him anymore and that scared you.

“honestly i think this whole project is stupid,” hyunjin blurts out, capturing your attention.

“hmm, why do you say that?”

“i just find it absolutely ridiculous to just judge someone based on one scenario, you know? like i bet all our guesses have been wrong so far,” he confesses and once again the guilt rushes to your heart and you were left speechless.

“Like I really hate it when people judge others without getting to know them like who do you think you are? Do people who do that actually think they’re better or mightier?” Hyunjin continues and suddenly the space around you feels tight, your lungs struggling to find air. You were the type of person that Hyunjin would hate and that leaves an unsettling feeling in your stomach.

Hyunjin notices this after a while of you not responding to him and just picking at your food. “y/n, you okay?” he says, eyes filled with worry and you can't help but let out a tear, quickly brushing it off as soon as it hit your cheek. You don’t deserve the way he’s looking at you like he would fight anyone that comes to hurt you.

“Hyunjin...i’m sorry,” you let out quietly as you tried to stop the rest of your tears from water falling. Grabbing your bag, you ran out of the diner, leaving a very confused Hyunjin behind to wonder what you were apologizing for.

four.

7 missed calls

you don’t dare try to answer any of it.

the thought of having to face the boy and explain the reasons for your apology hurts you knowing that he wouldn’t want anything to do with you afterwards. how do you even explain it to him? there is literally no plausible excuse:

“hey yeah i’m the jerk that you hate because i judged your whole personality based off of five songs,”

“i only did it because i like superiority”

“it also helps me feel better about myself”

yeah. he’ll definitely hate you afterwards. and so you sulk in your room, letting out your frustrated cries, your blanket comforting you as the sound of your phone ringing filled the air. after the 12th call, the ringing finally stops and you feel like you can finally think until a knock on your dorm room brings you back to reality.

“hey,” he sighs, your eyes immediately widening as you shut the door as quickly as you opened it.

“y/n, come on!” hyunjin whines

“how did you know this was my room?” you yell through the door.

“I asked around,” he shouts back “now can you let me in??”

You were frozen in place, hands gripped on your doorknob to make sure that he can’t come in. “Look, we don’t have to talk about what happened okay,” he starts, “but we do have a project due in 2 days and i would like to finish it...so please just ….. just let me in.” He finishes, an exasperated sigh leaving his mouth once he comes face to face with the girl that has always been a puzzle to him.

Entering your dorm room, you notice that the boy's hair is a bit disheveled and you wonder how many times he has let his hands run through them due to frustration. He’s doing his best to hide his furrowed eyebrows and keep a calm expression but you see through all of it.

you’re doing it again. you think to yourself.

“okay let’s just make up a scenario since we didn’t get one at the diner,” you suggest, finally breaking the silence that hung above the two of you.

“why did you apologize?” hyunjin quietly asks, his gaze fixed strongly on you and you find yourself having to sit down due to the impact of his stare.

“hyunjin…. you said we didn’t have to talk about it,” you responded, trying to change the subject.

“I lied. I need to know the answers y/n. I need to know why you seem to see through my walls. I need to know how you dug a hole in my mind and stayed in it because I want you out. I don’t know what I’m feeling when it comes to you and I don’t like it.”

“How??? How can you see right through me?!”He frustratedly confesses, his voice getting louder with every question that leaves his mouth.

“What?? are you a stalker??? Is that why you know?? have you been following me around ??”

“No!” you responded quickly, shutting down the assumptions that the boy has managed to come up with.

“It’s your music.” you finally confess, your heart tightening as the words left your mouth, afraid of what’s to come next.

Hyunjin stares at you, his mind finally connecting all the dots. The reason you asked for his playlist. The reason why you knew his stories and insecurities. All of it was because he gave you access to his music. And suddenly he felt bare. All his hiding, all the walls he put up, it was all useless when it came to you.

“The last song in that playlist…” he starts but you finish the sentence for him, “please love me by colde,” your glassy eyes staring back up at him.

“so, will you?” hyunjin asked, worry laced within his voice.

“y-you’re not mad at me?” you stuttered, the boy's actions leaving your mind in a maze. he shakes his head. oddly enough, he didn’t feel any anger towards you. noticing that you were left in your thoughts to make sense of the situation at hand, he offers you a soft smile, “after knowing how troubled my mind was, you still stayed.”

“i think i already do…” you confess, eyes fixated on him, “love you, that is,” you say mirroring the small smile that was on the boy’s face.

At your confession, Hyunjin let’s out a shaky breath.

“will you let me love you?” you ask him, a gentle tone laced within your voice, afraid of the answer to come.

your eyes never breaking contact with his, you moved closer to him. hyunjins eyes darts down to your lips and suddenly the answer seemed so clear.

love.

the word that terrifies him the most. the thing that the boy has been swearing off ever since he was little. love was something hyunjin never understood but every time he looks at your eyes, every time he feels your warmth next to him, and now as your lips move in perfect sync with his, it all seems to make sense.

(a/n): this ending is so rushed and im not sure if im entirely happy with it but i really did not know what to do for the longest time. i was thinking of just scrapping the whole thing tbh but anyways....

feedback is always welcomed and my ask is always open :)

thank you for reading!

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queenlilith43 · 3 years

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Chain of Thorns Song Theories Part I

So as we all know, there is an official Chain of Thorns playlist. And as it's updated and changed, I'm going to write a theory based on each song. This will be a long series, with me noting way too much about every single song because I overanalyze.

Masterlist Link

Heroes - Zayde Wølf

Okay I actually listened to this song once or twice before I knew of the playlist. I listen to the artist, Zayde Wølf a fair bit.

The lyrics are nabbed off Google, and put in italics with an indent.

I can hear the lost crying

This line makes me think of the dead, the ones who were murdered by Belial. And all the ghosts Lucie has ran into.

I can hear the truth hiding

Hiding

Well, if we know one thing about TLH, there are a lot of secrets. So this line specifically would refer to every single secret these guys are hiding. Which is a lot. Because everyone is so bad at communication.

Yeah the shadows are calling us out

This is an interesting line just because of the way it's phrased. I'd take this as just talking about the demons that hide in the shadows, ready to attack.

I see the fear rising

Yeah but my hope is burning

Obviously, with all the demon stuff going on, who wouldn't be afraid of this? And maybe they'll still hope, because this is what they have to do. The Shadowhunters still have to fight.

The shadows are calling us out

Repetition for poetic effect.

We are heroes

Heroes in the darkest times

Whelp, that's just the Shadowhunters in a nutshell. They're heroes who fight until the end. That's literally what the theme song off the TV show says. (It's "This Is The Hunt" by Ruelle, but still works for the books.)

When there is no light

Oh oh oh

This is getting dark fast. Even if the song is very upbeat, using mainly major key notes. But there is that hint of the darkness you have to fight out of.

We are heroes

Heroes in the darkest times

Who will rise above

Oh oh oh

We are heroes

The thing about this song is that it's very general. It has no lines that I can connect to a specific character. The only line that came close was the "lost crying" that could refer to the dead. Again, with these lines, we have heroes rising above their challenges . . . which applies to every Shadowhunter! Although I feel like this song, being the first, is just here to set up a background feel for the playlist, but still annoying nonetheless.

It's feeling like the sun's hiding

I read this lyric out loud to myself and screamed. If I remember one thing about the other worlds, some of them were described as having their sun burnt out. Like Edom, as a good example. And this lyric just made think of that. I'm guessing James is going to do some traveling to another realm mainly because of that and the fact his ability ties into this

But we're gonna keep moving

Surviving

So no one who goes to another realm would die, thank fuck. (Which my phone says is spelt wrong, but I know how to spell "fuck," phone.)

No we won't go quiet tonight

Stand up and shout louder

Oh no, no we won't be silent

The shadows are calling us out

Again with that phrase! It just is such a strange phrase, and I can't figure out the meaning. I did a wild guess earlier, but I have no clue if this is even relevant. Even removing the context of Chain of Thorns I don't know what it means.

We are heroes

Heroes in the darkest times

When there is no light

Oh oh oh

We are heroes

Heroes in the darkest times

Who will rise above

Oh oh oh

This the chorus repeating again, no new thoughts, so I'll just leave it here.

When the night is darkest

Only we can spark it

Light it up in the darkness

Oh oh oh

When the night is darkest

Only we can spark it

Light it up in the darkness

Oh oh oh

Okay, so I feel like it means the Shadowhunters, the heroes, are the only ones able to fight the demons, to save the world. They are the only ones who can bring light to the darkness.

The rest of the song is just the chorus again with a few repetitions to really show the meaning.

Final verdict: Based on the lyrics of this song, the Shadowhunters will do some demon fighting. It's also highly likely James will end up in another world, but I need more evidence to back this up. It's just a song to set up the playlist, and to lead into new songs. I also love this song, just because it's my type of music, and it's still upbeat.

Stay with me for more!

Next up: Sinners by Barns Courtney

#Spotify #chain of thorns #james herondale #lucie herondale #chot #tlh #the last hours #tsc #the shadowhunters chronicles #the shadowhunter chronicles #cot #heroes #zayde wolf

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curriebelle · 3 years

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furtively tries to express my appreciation for BTS’s insane showmanship without gaining the reputation of Being a Kpop Blog

Actually leTS TALK ABOUT THE REPUTATION OF THE KPOP BLOG 👩‍🏫

So to a certain extent I understand why “friend’s blog became a Kpop blog” is a meme. From the outside, a lot of the Kpop fan activity seems quite vapid. The impression I got in previous years was that it’s mostly about gushing over handsome boys and a/b/o rpf. And that’s not........entirely wrong, but we’ll get into that more in a sec.

Another factor is that Kpop fandom is hard to follow. The barrier to entry is higher than with other fandoms. In posts, individual Kpop stars are referred to by name, stage name, or nickname, and the band they belong to isn’t always obvious, so it’s quite easy to lump it all into “Kpop”; it takes work for a new fan to differentiate the groups if you don’t know them ahead of time. Kpop fandom has its own lingo that differs from other fan language (other media fans don’t use “bias” or “delulu” — and there’s a linguistics dissertation for you). And let’s not discount the other language barrier — Korean isn’t exactly a common first language, so it does take a bit of extra work to find subtitles and translations.

This might be why the Suddenly A Kpop Blog Event supposedly triggers a different reaction in followers. I’m still following most of my friends from crit role season 1, even though a good chunk of them blog about other stuff now (what is this Chinese show? Boy with magic flute? Gay? Help). Fittingly, I’ve seen memes about how people are ride or die for their mutuals even when they move to different fandoms, but the jokes about Kpop blogs are always a bit different — about how turning into a Kpop blog is a bit cursed of u. It’s to the point where this is only “secretly a Kpop blog” because I don’t want the “Kpop blog” reputation.

And from my fandom lurking I can say that part of that reputation is not unearned. A lot of Kpop fans on tumblr engage in it in ways I’m either disinterested in or actively opposed to (the shipping wars are as terrifying as their reputation suggests. Some were arguing one ship was an rl canon true secret relationship because someone in BTS wrote the letter K on his drawing. Even though the letter K is in his name.) The reason I’ve been “secretly a Kpop blog” is that a lot of Kpop posts don’t inspire me into reblog frenzies the way crit role memes used to, and that’s not because Kpop Stans Suck — it’s more just a matter of taste. Then again, I do like gifs, but if I start reblogging BTS gifs, then I’m a Kpop Blog......and you don’t want to be a Kpop blog.

But isn’t there a whiff of “I’m not like other girls” about all that? Like, yeah, of course Kpop fans hoard gifs of the same people and overanalyze them. That’s what fans do! Pretending I didn’t overanalyze the shit out of Taliesin and Laura’s micro-expressions before Perc’ahlia was a thing would just be disingenuous. We’re all looking too closely — one of the best things about being a fan is diving into the excess of art and making things out of it. We all make mountains out of molehills because mountains are more scenic. And, on a baser level, we are all thirsty bastards. I have SEEN you all reblogging the gifs of Chris Evans ripping the log in half, okay, and you were not doing it bc of the camera angle, just own the thirst. Even the problems the Kpop fandoms have aren’t problems unique to Kpop — aggressive shippers and “””””problematic””” fans are everywhere.

I also wonder if the reason why we don’t see as much Kpop analysis on tumblr is because we’ve created kind of a hostile environment for it. Whether you are a Kpop fan or not, we’ve all decided to treat Kpop as kind of silly — the fans give it their all in the departments of cutesy photo sets and ridiculous fic prompts, and we laugh at memes of Gimli saying “never thought I’d die side by side with a Kpop fan” anyway Stan Jungkook. Just like thirst and over analyzing, that’s not necessarily a bad thing — I love that meme, and you should Stan Jungkook — but it does mean that if you want to start taking it a bit more seriously, or even a bit more casually, the assumption is that all your old tumblr friends will ditch you because “you’ve gone to the dark side”

And that’s a shame because uhhhhhh there is some baller stuff to analyze in BTS’s discography. The album before last was based on Jungian psychology (???). Their leader and primary writer is a huge fan of multilingual puns so in the latest album he makes a three-way pun on the phrase “I’m ill” — he’s sick, he’s cool, and he’s overworked (because “il” in Korean means “work”). So is he sick or is he simply made sick by like, society’s expectations of labour under capital???? Like, you know me. Societal critique by way of pun. That’s my shit. There’s also an essay or two in me about the way BTS are marketed for fan consumption and the way we handle multilingual lyrics and the way they’re handling the temporary departure of one of their members (he is an absolute cat of a man and I hope he gets well soon).

Also fuck can J-Hope ever dance.

EDIT: I should probably acknowledge that I can only make this justification for BTS, which is the only Kpop group I really like; I got no idea about the rest of them. I do know that Shinee can Also dance.

I might get the essays out but this probably won’t become “a Kpop blog” if you’re not into that. I think I’ve internalized too much of the stigma (omg V has a song called stigma it’s so good check it out find a good translation), but also, like I said, I don’t vibe with much of the other content and I kind of only follow one extremely successful group. The gifs, though. The gifs might be coming. They are pretty, those boys.

Anyway! People don’t like Kpop for nothing so like Maybe you would also like Kpop? Who knows. At the very least, think before u meme.

#BTS #secretly a Kpop blog #also I Do like that tag so I’m keeping it #long post

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honeypiehotchner · 5 years

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clementine (steve rogers x reader) -- part one

Hi! Okay, so, I have seen one movie with Steve Rogers in it, but somehow I got sucked in Steve Rogers x Reader oneshots on here a while ago and wanted to write one of my own. This will be two parts because it got crazy long (or maybe more than two, honestly who knows; y’all know how crazy my brain works). Regardless, here is this, and I hope you enjoy it. This is entirely a vent piece and some of the dialogue/scenes may or may not be real. Anywho.

It’s also loosely based on “clementine” by halsey. The lyrics to the song are italicized and bolded.

Warnings: blood, fainting, some general sad feelings, mentions of a troubled past, mentions of therapy, the works.

Word Count: 5.78k

I don’t need anyone/I just need everyone/and then some...

“He was watching her from across the room, her hair tucked neatly behind her ear as she read…”

“If you read one more goddamn sentence of that, I’m gonna deck you.”

“Come on!” Natasha whines, a playful smile crawling onto her lips as she looks back at her phone. “It’s too good.”

“I wrote it when I was fifteen,” you defend yourself, landing a particularly hard punch to the bag in front of you. It sends the bag flying backwards, causing you to step aside to prevent being knocked to the ground when it swings back to you. Your strength is something you’re still not totally used to, but you’re slowly learning. After being knocked down by the punching bag swinging back at you too quickly quite a few times, though, you start to learn.

“That doesn’t matter!”

“It does,” you glare at her, holding out your hand to stop the bag from swinging. That punch a second ago was much more aggressive than you thought. “And I know better now, anyway.”

“What does that even mean?” Nat scoffs. “You know better?”

“I know better,” you repeat, reeling back and sending the bag flying. That’s kind of fun, you have to admit.

After a quick succession of hits, you’re stopped by Natasha dragging you away from the bag. Not dragging you, necessarily, but she would say so.

“Okay, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” you shake your shoulders out of her grip. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, then whose head are you imagining in place of that punching bag?”

Steve. Stupid Steve Rogers. “No one, Nat. Leave it alone.”

“There’s someone. Who is it? Who pissed you off?”

“Nat!”

“What’s up ladies?” Steve announces his presence in the same manner every day, purely as an inside joke and no doubt to make you smile, but today it doesn’t have the same effect as before. He notices the look on your face when he drops his bag on the gym floor and frowns, looking to Natasha for more information.

“Go away,” you deadpan, not caring at all if he finds that harsh or uncalled for. You don’t have the time or the energy today to deal with him.

“O...kay.” He turns and exits the gym, shoulders slumping as he turns the corner, heading to the kitchen.

“What’d he do?” Natasha starts asking questions as soon as he’s out of sight. And when you give her a look, she continues. “Come on, the two of you were flirting up a storm last week and now you’re telling him to go away? What’d he do?” Nat is a little more than peeved because she’s been trying to get Steve to ask anyone -- literally, just someone -- out for weeks, and then she saw him getting closer with you, so she backed away, hoping he’d make a move without her nagging, and now he’s ruined it? Is he seriously that awful at this?

“We weren’t flirting,” you protest. It doesn’t matter that you thought the two of you had something. It’s over now, and you need to move on from it. That’s easier to do when you hate him, so that’s what you’re doing. Or trying to do, at least.

Nat hums, crossing her arms over her chest. She remembers the flirting -- and it was clearly flirting. Steve would have his arms around you, his head on top of yours. At one point she looked over and he was messing with your hair. Another time he was poking your nose, laughing like a madman when you swatted his hand away. It was flirting. Everything from his actions to the way he was looking at you said it clearly.

“What did he do?” She asks again. “I’ll cut his dick off, you know I will.”

“I don’t need you to do that,” you sigh, bending down to pick up your water. “He didn’t do anything. It just wasn’t what I thought it was, that’s all.”

“So you hate him for no reason?”

Pretty much. “I guess.”

“Any reason why you’re hating him for no reason?”

You shrug. “Just easier to I guess. But I’m gonna go. He needs to work out and I’m tired of punching that thing anyway,” you nod your head at the poor bag that’s been the subject of your torture for the last hour and a half. “Don’t ask him about it, please. Just leave it alone.”

“Okay,” Nat promises, nodding sincerely. “I won’t.” She still doesn’t like the look on your face. Because the look isn’t angry or pissed like it was when you saw Steve in the doorway. It’s dissolved now, sadder. Something did happen, that much she’s sure of, but you want her to stay out of it, so she will.

“Thanks,” you smile softly. “I’ll see you later.”

You exit the gym, nearly jumping fifty feet in the air when you see Steve standing right outside, leaned against the wall. You do your best not to make eye contact with him as you head to the elevator, ready to take a shower.

~~~

“Did she say anything about me?”

Nat curses under her breath. She promised you not to bring it up, and technically she has kept that promise because she didn’t bring it up just now. He did.

So, she nods slowly. “Yeah.”

Steve blinks. He wasn’t expecting Nat to even answer him. “What did she say?”

“Nothing,” Natasha shrugs. “Look, I promised her I wouldn’t talk about it, but I know something happened. She won’t tell me because she’s too nice,” she turns to give him a look, “so what did you do?”

“What did I do?”

“Yes, what did you do? She’s obviously pissed off at you for some reason.”

“And I don’t know why she’s pissed off!” He nearly yells. “Why are you assuming I did something?”

“Because last week you two were flirting so much it made me sick and this week she’s pissed off and punching that bag so hard it nearly flew off the ceiling.”

Steve’s eyes widen. “Seriously?” That’s impressive. And dangerous. And attractive.

“Yes, seriously, I had to drag her away from it earlier because she sent it backwards so hard I thought she was going to break it -- or her fist.”

“Wow...” That’s not good.

“Loverboy,” Nat snaps. “Focus. What the hell did you do?”

“Nothing,” Steve ignores the blush on his cheeks at the nickname Nat used.

“Are you lying to me?”

“Seriously, Nat, if I did something, I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why she’s mad at me,” he pauses. “I didn’t even know she was mad until just now.”

“Hm. Okay,” Natasha narrows her eyes at the soldier, accepting his answer. She nods to the middle of the room. “Get out there. I need to fight someone right now.”

~~~

Wish I could see what it’s like to be the blood in my veins/ Do the insides of all of my fingers still look the same?

The steam from the shower does wonders in opening up your sinuses, but the tears you shed while washing your hair counteract the steam, so it’s pointless.

You’re not even sure when you started crying and over what.

When you woke up this morning, you weren’t feeling well. Some days are just like this for you. From the moment you open your eyes, you can feel it. The thoughts are sitting there, physical in their metaphorical selves, but sitting there. The worst is when they aren’t rapid, fueled by anxiety. The worst is truly when they’re just simply sitting there, minding their own business, but you’re so aware of their presence that you can’t focus. Or sometimes you can focus, but only on them. But it isn’t...anxious. It’s not fast-paced, thoughts flying down the highway about to crash into the median, it’s a slow and steady walk through a park at three in the morning. Silent and eerie.

Torturous, really.

What Natasha was reading -- what you wrote when you were fifteen -- is the single most cringe-worthy piece of anything you’ve ever done in your entire life.

Fanfiction.

Not just any fanfiction, though, an Avengers fanfiction. That’s right, way before Tony recruited you -- a whole seven years ago when you were fifteen and had no idea why you were as strong as you are but never giving it a second thought because you had other things to worry about -- you were the definition of a fangirl. For the Avengers.

For Steve Rogers, to be exact. Stupid Steve Rogers.

So, it’s no wonder that when Tony recruited you and when you first arrived here that your crush on Steve would return. Honestly, you had forgotten about it. Graduating high school and going to college was the biggest transition you’d ever been through, and it put a lot of feelings in the back of your head -- your crush on Steve being one of them.

Of course, your brain likes to point out to you that the only boyfriend you had in college for a year and a half (he graduated before you and moved on to graduate school...in Ireland) had a striking resemblance to Steve. But you ignore the fact constantly.

You’re a sucker for blonde hair and blue eyes. And a kind smile. Strong arms. A stupid, ridiculous laugh. Soft hands, but tough when need be.

God, you stick your face under the stream of water. This is borderline ridiculous.

Not borderline, though. You’re kidding yourself there. Because it is ridiculous. You agreed to come here because when Tony found you, you had nothing. Your family is gone, your friends won’t look you in the eye (so maybe they aren’t your friends anymore), and the home you used to know is destroyed. You’re here because you have nowhere else to go, and this crush has got to be the one to leave. You can’t let it ruin this place for you.

Especially not when it’s this ridiculous. The flirting -- or whatever it was -- that was happening between you and Steve, it meant nothing. You read too much into it and you know that because you have a bad habit of doing just that. You overanalyze, you fantasize, and you break your own heart, and that’s exactly what you did.

Steve brought a girl here from the bar last week. Thankfully -- or not so thankfully -- you managed to catch them at the door, telling Steve that Tony would skin him alive if he brought a girl to bed. Not because he cares about Steve’s sex life, but because this isn’t supposed to be a hookup place. It’s the Avengers headquarters, not exactly a place you bring girls home from the bar to. The facility is sort of confidential.

The worst of it all is Steve was drunk out of his mind. The girl was more sober than he was because she knew something was off and left. You called a cab for her, and you’re assuming she got home, but Steve sulked off to his room.

And the next day, he only complained of an awful hangover. No apology for bringing a girl here when he knew Tony didn’t want that, no apology for bringing a girl here when he had been flirting with you, nothing.

Which only makes you think he doesn’t remember. And if he doesn’t, then that’s okay. It’s probably better that he doesn’t.

You just need to move past it, that’s all. What you thought was flirting obviously wasn’t, and that’s your own fault. You had a massive crush on him before you got here, so it was a no brainer that those feelings would resurface after being in close proximity with him. It’s your own fault, if you’re being honest. You should never have let yourself get your hopes up, even if in the smallest of ways.

You punch the shower wall in frustration, your eyes shooting open when you hear the crack of the tile.

“Damn it,” you hiss, holding your hand against your chest. Your already-bruised knuckles are now busted open and bleeding profusely, the sting settling in a second later. “Shit, shit, shit,” you shut the water off, stepping out of the shower.

And of course, you don’t have a first aid kit in your room -- well, you do, but it’s not equipped enough to deal with this and damn it, you’re going to need stitches.

After putting on clothes and wrapping your fist in a towel, you drag yourself down the hall to the elevator. You ignore the dizziness you’re feeling, deciding it must just be your thoughts messing with you, but when you see who is in the elevator, you really do feel like you’re going to pass out.

When Steve’s eyes land on you stumbling down the hall, he looks away, not wanting to make you uncomfortable. But upon second glance, he stares, and his eyes widen.

“What the hell?” He steps off the elevator, rushing over to you, and now you really feel like you’re dreaming. Your head is swimming, either from the blood loss you’re experiencing -- tile cuts deeper than I thought -- or from Steve’s hands on your shoulders or both. “What did you do?”

“Nothing,” you mutter. “God, that hurts,” you hiss, continuing to stumble toward the elevator.

Steve knows you’re trying to get to the med wing, and he can at least be grateful you’re going instead of hiding in your room like you’ve done before. You didn’t get why, but he was so mad when he found out you stayed in your room when you were sick instead of seeing a doctor.

You don’t even fully understand why he’s here with you right now, walking you off the elevator with his arm around your waist to help you into the med wing. You also can’t help but feel entirely ridiculous for being here over something like this. Getting frustrated in the shower and punching the tile? Ridiculous.

It’s less ridiculous when you pass out. Literally.

~~~

Tony Stark is in the middle of a meeting when he gets notified that you’re in the medical wing. And the text message is from none other than Steve Rogers.

Tony isn’t blind, but he wonders if you and Steve are. He saw it in both of your faces the day you arrived. Pepper told him not to meddle, but it’s hard not to when the two of you are so oblivious that it pains him.

He isn’t exactly thrilled that you’re in the medical wing, but the fact that Steve is there with you makes him wonder if you’ve both come to your senses.

But still, the idea of you in the medical wing doesn’t bring good thoughts to his mind, which is exactly why he runs down the hallway.

By the time Tony arrives, Steve is pacing in the hallway, hand shoved into his hair with a pained expression on his face.

“Hey, Stars and Stripes!” Tony yells, knowing that will get Steve’s attention -- and it does. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Steve mutters, hand falling from his hair and smacking his leg. “She woke up and told me to get out.”

“Woke up?”

“Yeah, she-she passed out in the elevator -- well, in the hallway, but we were getting off the elevator.”

Tony’s eyes widen. “What did she do?”

“I don’t know, punched something I guess, her knuckles were busted open.”

Tony rubs his forehead with a sigh. When he first recruited you, you had this issue. This issue of not remembering how strong you are and getting yourself injured in the process. You have super-strength, sure, but your body isn’t immune to injuries. It’s less likely you’ll break a bone from punching concrete, but not less likely that your skin will tear or be cut if you break a window.

So, when he sees the stitches in your right hand and the IV in your left, he crosses his arms over his chest.

Tony has always been a bit of a father figure to you ever since he met you. And you definitely don’t like the look he’s giving you right now.

“What?” You mumble, glancing down at the stitches. “I know you’re going to lecture me, so what?”

“I’m not--” He stops himself, relaxing his arms. “What did you do?”

“Punched a wall,” you admit, knowing it’ll come out eventually.

“Where?”

You shrug. “But on a totally unrelated note, the tile in my shower needs to be replaced in one spot.”

Tony glares at you. “I’ll get FRIDAY on it.” He pauses for a moment, doing just that, and then he’s back, glaring at you again. “Why did you punch a wall?”

You stay quiet.

You can’t tell him. Not Tony. Of all the people here, he can’t know.

The only reason Natasha knows about the fanfiction is because she found it. She was snooping around and confronted you about it, and you couldn’t deny that it was yours. She can see right through you.

But Tony can’t know, and neither can anyone else. And if they do, they won’t hear it from you. It’s too embarrassing.

“Okay,” Tony nods, crossing his arms again. “Well, if you’re not going to talk to me, you’re going to talk to Jenna.”

Your eyes immediately find his. Challenging. “No.”

“You punched a wall and injured yourself so badly that you have stitches. Need I remind you that you passed out in the hallway, too?” Tony nearly yells, trying to steady his temper.

“I’m not going back to therapy, Tony, I’m not a child.”

Tony put you in therapy when you first arrived here. Because when he first found you, you were -- to put it politely -- a complete wreck. You were grieving the loss of your first love, your family, your friends, your home, and yourself. You needed the therapy, no matter how much you disliked it.

“You’re not a child when you stop acting like one.”

You roll your eyes. “You’re one to talk.”

“I’ll have Pepper make you an appointment.”

“Don’t bring Pepper into this!”

“Then tell me what the hell is going on with you!” Tony snaps. “I know something is wrong, I felt it last week on that mission and now you’ve hurt yourself so badly that you won’t be joining us on tomorrow’s mission, so you are either going to tell me what’s going on, or you’re going to tell Jenna.”

You stare at him.

“Jenna it is. I’ll go find Pepper and let her know what’s going on,” Tony says firmly. “I’ll have her send you the details.”

You roll your eyes. “Thanks, dad.”

The glare he sends you is much more heated than the one he gave you a few minutes ago, but this time he doesn’t say anything else to you.

You curse under your breath, flinging your head back into the pillows on the bed. If you didn’t have a damn IV in you right now, you’d get up and leave. You’ve ripped IVs out of your veins before, sure, but they hurt like a bitch and it only makes the nurses pissed, so you’re not going to do that this time. But man, do you want to, especially when the door to your room opens and in walks Steve Rogers himself.

He looks rough. And he’s not even the one on a hospital bed.

“Hey,” he says quietly. “You doing okay?”

“Steve, I really don’t want to talk right now.”

“To me?”

“What?”

“You don’t want to talk to me?” He asks, not looking at you. “You’ve been avoiding me all week and this morning in the gym you looked… Listen, I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry, whatever it was--”

“Steve, stop,” you interrupt him quickly, already tired of his empty apology. “Don’t apologize if you don’t know what you did. It’s pointless.” And meaningless. And ridiculous. And empty.

“But you’re obviously mad at me--”

“And no amount of ‘I’m sorry I don’t know what I did’ is going to make me less mad!” You don’t mean to raise your voice, or to mimic his voice in a mocking way when you did, but you still do. And it still causes a look of hurt to flash over Steve’s eyes. “Please, just...I don’t wanna talk about it right now.”

“Okay well,” he pauses to take a deep breath, “let me know when you do. I’ll be around.”

“Okay.”

~~~

Once your body returns to normal, you’re allowed to leave. But you don’t get far before Tony is telling you to meet him in his office.

You don’t feel like arguing, so you go.

Tony didn’t make an appointment with Jenna, though. That’s clear from the moment you walk into his office and see Steve Rogers sitting in one of the chairs, his back facing you.

You freeze, glaring at Tony. “What do you want?”

“Come in,” he waves. “Sit down.”

“Why?”

At this point, Steve has turned around to glance at you, his eyes scanning your face to see how you’re doing. He notices the bandage on your hand, stained the faintest red, but nothing drastic or worrisome. It’ll come off soon, he’s sure. The nurse probably just put it there for the little blood that is seeping through.

Well, Steve is still worrying. Steve will always worry about you.

“Just sit down.”

You obey, sitting one chair over from Steve. You don’t want to give him the wrong idea by sitting right next to him, and you’d rather not be that close to him right now. You’d like to be in your room, away from everyone, but that can’t happen.

“Now,” Tony claps his hands, standing from his chair. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with the both of you, but you’re not leaving until you talk it out.” He walks around the desk, giving you no time to react before he’s at the door. “I’ll have Jarvis let you out when you’re done. There’s cameras, so don’t...you know.”

“Tony!” Steve yells, twisting around in his chair.

“Right, forgot you’re the virgin of the group--”

“Leave.” You don’t raise your voice, you keep it quiet and steady, which scares Tony more, and he immediately leaves the room, the door locking behind him.

The room stays in silence even after Tony leaves, neither you nor Steve making any moves to say something to the other.

Steve waits for a few moments to pass before he decides to at least try. “How is your hand?”

“It’s fine,” you reply, glancing down at the bandage. “Hurts like a bitch.”

Steve laughs then, glad to get something out of you, even if it’s that. “I bet.” He pauses. “You know we don’t have to talk...if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah, I know,” you agree. “Should we?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “I don’t want you to punch any more shower walls.”

Your head lifts, your eyes finding his. “He told you?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “Just heard the notification that the wall is fixed now.”

“Gotcha.”

“So you punched the shower wall?”

“Steve, I really don’t…” You shake your head. “I’m sorry.”

“I think I’m the one who should be apologizing,” he straightens up in his chair.

“Why?”

“I obviously did something,” he continues. “And I don’t know what it was, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t do it, so I’m sorry, for whatever it was. I can promise you I didn’t mean to hurt you. You know I’d never do that.”

“Thank you,” you sigh. “But it’s stupid--”

“What was it?”

You look at him, wanting to just tell him, but you can’t. Or can you? Nothing is really stopping you. And it’s not like by you telling him this, he will confess his feelings for you. You’re not going to throw yourself into his waiting arms, either.

“Do you remember when you went to the bar...last week, I think?”

Steve nods slowly, not sure where you’re going with this.

“Well,” you chuckle. “It’s nothing. But you brought a girl back--” His eyes widen. “It’s nothing, Steve. But you brought a girl back, and Tony had just told us he didn’t want any...guests over, so I got her to leave, but it just--” You sigh, hating that you’re about to say this. “Listen, it’s ridiculous, and I’m not saying this because I’m expecting anything, but just, the past few weeks, it kind of felt like something was happening -- with you and me, I mean -- so when you brought a girl back from the bar it just kind of...jarred me, but it’s fine. It’s nothing.”

You aren’t looking at Steve as you speak, and it’s probably for the better. Because you don’t know that you can handle whatever look he’s no doubt giving you right now.

“But it’s fine. Again, I’m not expecting anything,” you straighten your hand feeling the bandage rub against your stitches.

Steve doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t know what to say.

“Well,” you chuckle awkwardly, finally looking at him. “I’ve had one hell of a day, so I’m gonna go to my room and sleep.” You rush through the sentence, avoiding his eyes when you see how he’s looking at you -- sorrowful, pitiful. “See you around.”

You stand and go to the door, finding it unlocked as expected. Tony wouldn’t actually lock you guys in here -- or maybe he did and he was eavesdropping, you’ll never know, because you find yourself in the elevator quicker than expected. And you find tears rolling down your cheeks faster than expected.

You fall onto your bed after locking your door and telling Jarvis to turn anyone anyway who tries your door -- it’s what you like to call Do Not Disturb Mode.

You stare up at the ceiling, the tears continuing to leak from your eyes. The worst part is, you’re not really crying. Sure, tears are falling, but you’re numb to this.

The secret is out. Now he knows, that’s the pathetic reason you’ve been avoiding him and rude to him when you did see him. Now he knows.

Now Tony probably knows, too, if he didn’t before. You’re almost positive he did because...he’s Tony. He knows and sees all, and whether you like it or not, he can see through you.

~~~

Left my shoes in the street so you’d carry me/through a breakdown, or a black out/Would you make out with me?

You’re not sure when you’ve fallen asleep, but you’re woken up by Jarvis.

“Do Not Disturb has been overridden by Tony Stark.”

Knocking. “Open up, kid.”

“Just come in,” you yell, not wanting to move from your spot on the bed.

The door swings open slowly, revealing Tony with a box of pizza. “Hey kiddo. Your favorite.”

You smile, your stomach aching just from the smell of your favorite pizza. You gladly sit up in bed, careful not to put pressure on your bandaged hand. You hold out your hands, motioning for him to bring it closer.

He shuts the door before walking over, climbing onto the bed with you, offering the box of pizza to you. “Steve ordered.”

You try not to show too much. “Steve ordered pizza for everyone?”

“Nope,” Tony shakes his head. “Just you.”

“Oh.”

“He knows he messed up.”

“He didn’t mess anything up,” you mumble into your first slice. “There was nothing there to mess up.”

“It sounds like there was.”

“I knew you were eavesdropping,” you roll your eyes. “But I told him it’s fine.”

“I know,” Tony breathes.

“You don’t need to feel bad for me,” you finally look up from your dinner -- midnight snack? What time is it? “Or talk to me on his behalf, you know. We’re adults.”

“Says the one who has been hiding in her room.”

“I was asleep,” you defend. “And I won’t hide forever.”

“Good,” Tony nods. “Come here.”

You lean into his side as he pulls you into him with his arm around your shoulders. He kisses the top of your head before letting go.

“However big of a pain in my ass he may be, he’s a good guy and he’s got a big heart,” Tony says quietly. “He really feels bad.”

“I get it, Tony,” you chuckle. “Thank you.”

~~~

You finally venture out of your room sometime the next day, deciding to go to the gym. Whenever your head needs to be cleared, the gym is your first stop.

You can’t exactly punch anything because of your hand, but the least you can do is get on the bike.

Steve is in the gym when you arrive, and you try not to let it bother you. He’s working with the weights, and is thankfully so deep in focus that he doesn’t turn his head when you walk in.

Or he hates you now, your mind tells you, but you ignore it.

You keep your distance as you walk past him to the bikes, pulling out your headphones to listen to music while you ride. And to hopefully shut the outside world out.

Steve waits until he’s sure you’re in your zone before he looks over at you. He doesn’t want to come across like he’s staring at you, but he wants to at least check on you. The last time he saw you, you had just told him you were upset because he brought someone home from the bar. You essentially told him you had feelings for him, and he blew it by being an insecure idiot and thinking you’d never feel that way.

Or at least, that’s what Steve heard. He isn’t sure anymore about anything.

But when you look over, catching his gaze, and offering a small smile, he thinks maybe he could try.

You return your focus to your music after catching Steve staring at you. Not so much staring as gazing, but you think that’s your fanfiction brain starting to work again, and it can’t.

Steve goes back to his routine, deciding it best to leave you alone and let you continue your own routine. Or he’s scared. He’s definitely scared.

Once he finishes working out, though, and his window to talk to you begins to close, he takes a deep breath, and decides it’s now or never.

Thankfully for him, you’re making your way over, your legs tired and your mind still not cleared like you wanted. But you caught him looking, and you really don’t want any bad energy between the two of you, so the least you can do is say hi.

So you do.

“Hey you.”

“Hi,” Steve smiles, smoothing his hands over his shirt. “How are you?”

So formal. Is this how it’s going to be from now on? “I’m okay. Doing better today. How are you?”

He nods in agreement, not adding anything else.

You nod slowly, remembering they’re leaving for a mission later today. “Are you ready for the mission later?”

His eyebrows raise. “Are you…?”

“No,” you chuckle. “Tony’s got me on lockdown here. But you’re still going, right?”

“I am, yeah,” he pauses. “I’m ready. Business as usual.”

You smile. Oh, Steve. Always so chill. The best in action, but not one to stress. You’ve always liked that about him. “I knew you’d say that.”

“Really?” Steve lets out a little laugh, some nerves rolling off his shoulders. “I’m that predictable?”

“Yeah, you are,” you shrug, teasing him without really being sure why. You’re surprised the two of you are even having a conversation right now.

“Okay, well,” he takes a deep breath, looking at you a little shyly. “What would you say to grabbing dinner with me later? Before I have to leave.”

There it is. What you could tell was eating away at him has finally left his lips, and it’s not at all what you expected. Sure, you hoped, but you knew better than to let yourself believe it would actually be true.

But now it is. And you don’t know what to say.

You probably think about it for a few moments too long because Steve shakes his head, shifting on his feet. “It’s okay if--” He reaches down to pick up a weight, a nervous habit, curling his arm.

“No, it’s just,” you pause to sigh, choosing your words carefully. “I...I don’t want you to ask me out because you feel bad for me,” you smile sadly. “I don’t want you to want me because you feel bad for me.” I want you to want me...just because you want me.

Steve sets the weight down, taking a small step closer to you, but you take a step back. He gets the message, and stands still, but explains, “That’s not why I’m asking you.”

“Okay,” you murmur, wanting to believe him. You want so badly to believe him right now, to believe that he’s asking because he wanted to before, but was too scared, but you can’t. “Not right now, okay?” You breathe, really not wanting to cry in the gym in front of him and hating yourself that you can even feel tears brewing. You told yourself it was fine. Why isn’t it fine? “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he shakes his head. “You don’t need to apologize.”

“Okay,” you nod, not knowing what else really to say. “I’ll see you...when you get back?”

“Yeah,” he smiles softly.

“Good luck and be safe and all,” the words tumble out of your mouth without reason, probably making you sound more ridiculous. “Be safe, though, really.”

“I will,” Steve promises. “Thank you.”

You smile, grabbing your water and leaving the gym, taking in a shaky deep breath when you reach the elevator.

You’re kicking yourself for saying no to him, but you can’t go out with him right now. Especially not the day after you confessed that you felt something was happening. It’s obvious he was only asking you out because you told him all that, and you can’t do that to yourself.

But God, you want it to happen. You want it to happen so badly you could scream. But it can’t happen out of pity, and if that’s the only way it was ever going to happen, then you’re going to have to accept that it just won’t happen.

Besides, you meant it when you told Natasha that you know better. You know better now than to let yourself get that far, to let your mind wander down that path. You know better than to think the fanfictions you wrote when you were fifteen could ever have the smallest possibility of happening now.

You know better. Even if you don’t want to, you do.

157 notes · View notes

ubernoxa · 4 years

Text

The Dare: A Guns N’ Roses FanFic

Chapter 30: Little Things

Chapter Summary: Sometimes the little things in life make the biggest of differences.

(Masterlist)

Taglist: @gingerspicetalks @str4nge-haze @queen-crue

The guys had all decided to stay in that night, which was music to Delilah’s ears when Duff called her inviting her over. She was looking forward to a quiet night not being surrounded by strangers. She wondered if tonight Duff was going to pull her aside and finally tell her about Seattle. It was getting harder and harder for Delilah to ignore the torturous voices that filled her head.

He doesn’t care for you.

He is only with you because he is bored.

He is going to break up with you before he leaves for Seattle. Why else would he not tell you about the gigs?

Once another girl comes along, you’ll be yesterday’s news.

Honestly, who could love someone like you?

Who could love someone as broken as you?

The memory of her and Mag’s conversation before Stef picked her up filled her head.

(Flashback)

“What did he say?” Mags had given up at beating around the bush. She needed answers. The fact that Delilah hadn’t confronted Duff about Seattle blew her mind. She would have confronted Duff the moment she found out about Seattle if she was in Delilah’s position, but she wasn’t Delilah.

“Well...here’s the thing Mags...”

“You didn’t ask him? How could you not ask him? He is leaving in like 3 days for a week to Seattle and he hasn’t said a word! How have you guys not talked about it?” Mags wanted to scream at Delilah, but she couldn’t. For one thing she didn’t want Tonya to hear, but Mags also saw something in Delilah. Fear.

“No Mags I didn’t because I’m not supposed to know. What if he takes it the wrong way? What if he thinks I’m being needy or that I’m stalking him? I just.........I just...I don’t want to lose him. He was acting weird last night. He wouldn’t let me leave his side. It was so out of character, so I didn’t want to...make thing worse,” Delilah snapped back the words coming out as harsh as she had meant them. She remained staring out the window as the tears quickly ran down her cheek.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to press. I was just worried ok? I worry about you almost as much as my idiot brother,” Mags said trying to get a laugh out of Delilah.

Silence filled the room as Delilah continued to stare out the window.

“What if I bore him,” the words left Delilah’s mouth barely audible.

“No no no Delilah you don’t bore him,” Mags swiftly sat down next to Delilah and wrapped her arm around her. Any fool could see how he looked at her. One might speculate that he was in love. Mags hoped that one day she would find that. Maybe she should try praying? If that’s how Delilah found Duff then why not try talking to this God guy?

“Really? Explain to me this, why would he want to be with someone like me? Just look at me! He is this amazing bassist and could probably have any girl he want. There are hundreds of chicks millions of times hotter than me, but he chose me. Am I like a pity date? Is it because Trixy called me a whore and he feels bad,” Mags remained frozen with eyes wide open trying to understand what the hell Delilah was going on about. The longer Mags thought about what Delilah said, the more confused she became.

“That makes absolutely no sense,” Mags snapped back.

Delilah ignored Mags as she continued to stare out the window. There was no changing

her mind.

“Jesus Fucking Christ Delilah,”

“Don’t say that. Don’t use his name like that,” Delilah stood up and sulked over towards the kitchen.

(End flashback)

She had never felt so alone as she sat on the old couch in Duff’s lap as she snapped back to reality. This party was more packed than any party she had been to before. It was worse than the Motley party Duff took her to not too long ago. Just like that party, she wasn’t enjoying herself. She wished she could have brought Mags or even Tonya along, but Mags was still hungover or sick from the night before and Tonya didn’t want to leave Mags alone.

“Hey, want another?”

Delilah turned to Duff and offered him a quick nod. The pair left the packed room after while Duff offered his hand for her to hold while following him towards what Delilah could only assume to be the kitchen .

“This doesn’t look like the way to the kitchen,” Delilah smiled as she stared at the window at the end of the hallway. It was clear that Duff was up to something. He felt relief flow through his as Delilah sent him the first genuine smile of the night.

“Hmm, that’s strange. I could have sworn that the kitchen was this way,” Duff let out a laugh before he climbed through the window onto the fire escape. Delilah was right behind him, ever curious to where he was headed.

“I guess I made the right choice and wore pants,” Duff’s heart fluttered as he heard Delilah giggle at her own comment.

“Axl said that him and Slash would only invite a couple people over, and before I knew it four people turned into half of the fuckin’ strip,” Delilah smiled at the thought of Duff wanting to have just a quiet night of drinking. It was calming to her.

Delilah could finally hear herself think when Duff brought her to the roof. She felt a sense of calming flow through her as the memories from the last time she was on this roof filled her. The memories of their first kiss.

“Did you plan this?” Delilah motioned towards the red blanket that was placed on the roof. A pile of dandelions resting on the blanket with a couple of sunflowers in the center.

Duff nodded as he held her hand guiding her to the blanket. There was nothing in the world that could remove the smile that formed on Duff’s face.

It had taken hours to find the dandelions and steel the sunflowers, but it was worth it. The look on her face was worth every second.

Delilah giggled as she picked up one of the of the dandelions and placed it behind Duff’s ear.

As she gazed into the sunflowers, she wondered if he knew what they were to her. Did he know what they meant? It was always the little things with Duff. It was the little things he did that made the big difference.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been quiet all night,” despite Duff’s non sober state, he could tell that Delilah wasn’t acting right. Her smile was off, the way she laughed was off, hell, even the kiss she gave him when he first saw her today was off.

“It’s just......a lot,” Delilah knew she couldn’t lie to Duff. She just couldn’t bring herself to do it, so she decided on saying a partial truth.

Duff nodded his head as he took another sip of his drink.

“I��m sorry Duff, I just....” Duff pulled Delilah in for a kiss before she could continue talking.

“Wait here,” Duff whispered once he broke the the kiss and headed off the roof.

Delilah let a groan escape her as she laid down on the blanket.

It was one word, one stupid word. All she had to say was Seattle. She didn’t even have to make a sentence. SEATLE SEATLE SEATLE.

“Did ya miss me?” Delilah perked her head over towards Duff when she heard his voice.

She smiled as she saw a blue acoustic guitar in his hand, “Ohh am I gonna get a super exclusive personal show from the famous rockstar Duff McKagan?”

“Maybe,” Duff kissed her forehead before taking a step back.

Delilah shoved all thoughts of Seattle to the back of her head as she watched Duff begin to play the opening to a song she had heard countless times. She wondered if Duff chose her favorites song on purpose.

“Take me down to the Delilah city where the apartment is clean and the girls are pretty.

Take me home, oh won't you please take me home.

Take me down to the Delilah city where the she makes cuisine and the she is witty.

Take me home, oh won't you please take me home,” the smile on Delilah’s face never faltered as Duff continued to sing with the altered lyrics.

It wasn’t until the last chorus that the butterflies went to complete chaos in her stomach.

“Take me out of this idiot city,

Where Duff ain’t stupid and life ain’t pretty

Take me home, oh won't you please take me home.”

Duff placed the guitar down once he finished the song. He promptly sat down next to Delilah and wrapped his arm around her waist.

“Thoughts?”

“I like the bit about Duff being stupid. I think the scarves or bandanas he wears around his head sometimes cut off the circulation to his brain,” Delilah teased leaning into him as she spoke. They sat in silence for a few minutes, surrounded by the noise of the Saturday night on the strip.

“I should have told you the moment I found out,” Duff kissed her forehead once he finished talking.

“Why didn’t you?”

“I overanalyzed the shit out of it. I was worried you would think that I didn’t want you to meet my parents,” Duff felt a weight off his chest once he told Delilah. Steven and Izzy were right, he should have done this days ago.

“Well I overanalyzed the shit out of you not telling me about it,” Delilah played with her thumbs as she spoke back.

“I should have told you the moment I found out you were going to Seattle,” Delilah could hear Mags and Tonya screaming at her to not apologize. They believed that it wasn’t her fault, and there was no need to apologize. Delilah still blamed herself.

With a smile on his face, Duff leaned in and began to slowly kiss her. It was gentle like the countless ones they had shared before this one, but there was something different.

Delilah sat with her hands in her lap frozen as Duff began to kiss the sweet spot on her neck causing a small moan to escape her lips. She was frozen in place as the butterflies flipped not only her stomach, but her brain as well. She was frozen in place, unable to move.

Delilah was naive, but she wasn’t a fool. Once the butterflies calmed down, she could clearly think again. She knew what Duff wanted. She placed her hand on his knee and he placed his hand around Delilah’s slowly inching it up.

Electricity shot through Duff as she gently held her hand on his member. Delilah watched as his eyes widened with excitement as he deepened the kiss.

“Let’s....lets go downstairs shall we?” Duff motioned towards the fire escape as he helped Delilah up. Delilah picked up some of the flowers, along with the blanket, and headed back into the apartment.

Duff motioned for Delilah to wait in the kitchen, not wanting her to see Slash potentially naked having sex with some chick.

Duff felt a sigh of relief as he saw Slash sitting on the couch in the living room. All it took was a look across the room for Slash to know what Duff was asking. Slash nodded his head and quickly whispered something into Steven’s ear earning a giggle was him.

Delilah picked up the phone as it continued to ring for the third time.

“Hello?” Delilah was thankful that the cord was just long enough for her to take the phone in the bathroom.

“Is Delilah there? I’m her roommates Tonya, I have something I need to tell her,” Delilah smiled as she heard Tonya’s voice.

“This is me!”

“You need to come back to the apartment Del, it’s Mags..”

“What’s...what’s wrong with her is she okay?”

“She’s fine Del, perfect health. She might need your....emotional support,” Delilah’s heart sunk as she heard those final words.

Mags laughed at the rain that poured around her. How fitting, how fucking fitting. The one silver lining is that he couldn’t see the tears that had been running down her face. Tonya and Del has offered to go with her, but Mags was afraid that he would feel like they were ambushing him.

The loud bang from the thunder filled the air matching the storm that lived inside Mags. The thunder was followed by the echoing of footsteps.

He was here.

“Are you okay,”

Mags wanted to speak, but her voice had disappeared.

“What’s wrong Mags, it sounded urgent. I have a deadline to make, and I need to get back to work. What’s wrong?” Drew stood in front of Mags in the pouring rain. He wasn’t in the mood for this.

Mag’s arm shot out in front of her as she handed Drew the white plastic. Such a little thing, such a little thing made such a big difference.

#duff mckagan #the dare #the dare fanfic #duff mckagan / oc #duff mckagan imagine #duff mckagan fanfic #duff mckagan fanfiction #gnr imagine #gnr fanfiction #gnr fanfic #guns n’ roses fanfic #guns n’ roses imagine #guns n’ roses fanfiction

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shultzing · 6 years

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7/29/2018: did i already say how much of an angel this guy is

8/13/2018: i’m so mad that i’m dating someone so much cuter than me. i never intended for this to happen. my type is usually men who are just above average looking, which I was happy with. now, i have to constantly think about how i look bc I know everyone around us has GOT to be thinking like, wtf is that beautiful man doing w/ that scrubby looking twig in the ancient clothes?? and like... he HAS to know. idc so much if other people are wondering how i got w/ him as long as HE isn’t like... damn, i could be doing so much better... anyways kill me, he is too fucking handsome and this birth control is making my skin break out really bad.

8/22/2018: this whole thing about being in a casual relationship is weird and tbh i’m less and less a fan. maybe i need to grow tf up but like, here’s an example. I’m going to a show friday night that’s literally 5 minutes from his house, and i know he’s free friday, and yet i won’t invite him bc i don’t want to see him there bc i don’t want him to be part of my local music world bc then he’ll mean that much more to me and it will be that much harder to feel and act casual. so that feels shitty. and like, i could totally skip the show and just go hang out w/ him, but I know he’s not planning his life around me, so I don’t want to get myself into a frame of mind where i’m sacrificing my stuff to be w/ him, so i make a point to not plan around him and not cancel plans for him. But getting to a point where i actively don’t want him to come to things w/ me is like some kind of accomplishment but also feels like a battle i don’t want to win? like i’m getting too good at it. at first i was like... struggling w/ it and he could probably tell? esp by how much i texted him and what kinds of texts i sent. but now i’m like, i’ve got a handle on it. i’m good. and it makes me sad. like what is the point of a casual relationship? what’s the point of a relationship you barely care about?

8/26/2018: conflict resolution like bosses >:) i know it’s just a beginning but we didn’t ever even get to a point of real conflict, although we were both approaching the subject at hand from wildly different perspectives and pretty high stakes. no insults or even criticisms, just explaining ourselves, being honest, and both quick to apologize. He definitely gets flustered and then gets a lot less precise about what he’s saying but then he’ll circle back to it when he’s had a minute to process/calm down and can fix whatever he mis-explained previously. It’s good to be back to good.

8/28/2018: first use of a pet name: drunk text -- “Goodnight cutie. Sweet dreams and I’ll talk to you tomorrow <3″

8/31/2018: the way he reacted when i got suddenly skittish/stressed out was a startling moment in a really good way. He stayed so calm/supportive/reassuring. Who knew that was possible?

9/1/2018: i think we’re becoming friends :’) meeting someone on a dating app, everything is backward bc the romance and skin comes before the friendship/knowing the person/etc so whenever we hang out for long enough to have time to get into decently long conversations and learn about each other or fight over whether william carlos williams is a good poet or not... it’s nice, and more special. Like, oh! that’s who you are?

9/8/2018: the way that relationships evolve is strange. like, a couple of weeks ago, just getting a text from M or not getting a text from him could change my mood and ability to focus so much bc everything was so new and uncertain and both exciting and stressful. now it’s okay either way. we’ve been dating for a little more than 2 months and things are getting to be sort of familiar and comfortable and less of a constant heart attack. the newness is still strange, there’s always some surprise. The other night he came over w/ his hair down and I was like ???? since when do you have hair like a young eddie vedder?? what is this?? but he was just like... yeah, that’s how it is right after i shower. i had no idea. it’s nice to literally get to watch someone slowly learn to trust you. he doesn’t act shy but it’s also easy to tell that he always has his walls up, I definitely have never seen them down yet, and that is okay. but the more comfortable he gets, the warmer he gets, and that’s really sweet. i’m frequently surprised by how competent of a person he is. he goes to the gym, he eats healthy, he’s a good boss, he’s a good student, he’s a good dog-parent etc. he asks questions like, “reading anything good lately?” and also corrected me instantly when I said KDC died in 93. he communicates clearly/gently/honestly. i’m getting to know some of his flaws, too. anyways i was out w/ a friend (allison c.) last night and we were talking about how shitty men are. i told her that the reason i’m w/ M is mainly just to get a chance to date someone who seems like he can prove that men can actually be really good. told her a story about how M reacted whenever i was having a bad moment and she was like, “I literally have goosebumps rn.” it was cute. reminded me not to take him for granted while he’s in my life. hope i’m not.

9/11/2018: M’s coming over tomorrow and i can’t waittttt. We try to see each other twice a week but sometimes it doesn’t happen and then it feels like forever. But now it’s less than 24 hours until i can hold his hands and kiss his face and i’m so ready.

9/13/2018: If this relationship is going to stick for a while... i can’t wait for the stage to come where i actually know him well enough that i’m not always overanalyzing/overreacting to every little cue. like there’s so much i don’t know that i can learn little things and be like WAIT WHAT? and get really stressed about it and i can’t wait for that to be over. how long til there’s an underlying level of trust/knowledge/comfort?

9/23/2018: Okay so for the most part this relationship is starting to feel normal. It still doesn’t always feel real just because he is so segregated from the rest of my life. No mutual friends. no school to share, no work to share, no volunteering or show circuit. No one else has met him or even really knows what he looks like bc of a lack of recent pictures. I’m slowly getting more confident and comfortable within it, even though i do still second guess myself a lot more than i usually do. I guess i’m used to being fussed over and spoiled. But this isn’t like that at all. We’re both a) adults and b) busy and c) on opposite sides of the city and he’s still pretty reserved so I know I’m like, low-ish on his priorities list. Like i’m ON the list, but somewhere beneath going to the gym and getting a haircut, and about 10 miles below his dog. It’s fine, it’s only been like 3 months. Less than that. ANYWAY we’ve finally graduated out of the just-casual-relationship category and into the normal relationship category. Or, he said he thought we did a month ago, but I didn’t realize that’s what he was saying. So now I can stop filtering everything I say and do through that ever-present, “is this too serious?” lens and just do what makes sense/comes naturally. or something. I’m super excited about that bc that was getting really tiring and unromantic.

9/30/2018: Uhhh, we went back into a weird “unlabeled” category where like we’re monogamous but nothing else is defined? Which I think is really lame but I also am trying to be patient and not pressure him and stuff. But I still think it’s silly and juvenile and kind of embarrassing. I mean I know he has his reasons and he needs to work through them on his own and at his own pace but for ME, it’s silly. Anyways. Still feels like there’s so much I don’t know about him or how he works or thinks or feels. But he still is always surprising me by just sheer level of sweetness. I feel like that’s always how I walk away, like, idk that guy but he sure has a kind heart.

10/4/2018: Ok the back and forth stalling on what we’re even doing and all the associated casual dynamics have kinda killed the romance for me. like it’s cool and all but i’m done obsessing over the relationship and probably won’t be updating this anymore bc i really don’t care and continuing to write about it is just trying to make it a bigger deal to me than it really is.

10/19/2018: Nearly 4 months in and it’s still such a roller coaster, my perspective, optimism/pessimism and level of happiness change like every 48 hours. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of breaking up because we’re too different or because we overworked the dynamics of our relationship too much. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of stepping closer because our good days really are good. I’m always surprised by how complicated every little thing is, questioning where my feelings are coming from and whether i’m either getting carried away on good days or paranoid and trust-issues-y on bad days. And there is definitely also a background kind of darkness/heaviness surrounding the fact that the more time goes by, the more i understand that i’m really not even close to being over R. But on Wednesday he and I went to Red Emma’s and then took his dog for a walk and then watched princess bride (both of our favorite childhood movie) and ended up staying up til 5-something in the morning just lying next to each other talking about bullshit. Like it wasn’t staying up all night to work out something serious or anything. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. I remember at some point he started trying to recite post malone lyrics and could not stop laughing for so long. I remember on 9/8 I wrote that i know i’ve never seen him w/ his guard down and i still usually feel like that, but then sometimes lately i think it comes down for a second and it’s always really nice and makes me think it’s worth working/waiting for. It’s understandable that he’d still have a lot of walls up when our relationship has been so rocky and it’s still in the baby stages anyways. I know he must be feeling more and more sure of us bc the way his sister treats me changed distinctly this weekend. Like she was always super nice, but now she treats me like she expects me to be around/expects to and wants to make friends, which is so nice. He’s still incredible when I get triggered. Sometimes I just suddenly can’t anymore and he’s never even hinted at the slightest inkling of being frustrated by that.

11/4/2018: “do you love me?” “yes. i do love you. its been screaming in my head to say it every time I look at you.” “then why didn’t you get me a seltzer water?”

11/30/2018: “I’m breaking up with you, and I want to marry you, and I love you.”

---

update: this is going to be a running/updated post for all bullshit things i think about M but should be telling no one and should absolutely not be posting on the internet.

#personal

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spnmetafromheaven · 6 years

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Breakdown of the Cupid Scene from 08x23 “Sacrifice”

After rewatching “Sacrifice” for probably the fifth time, I can honestly say my favorite scene from the episode has to be in the bar where Dean and Cas are waiting for Cupid to arrive. I remember the first time I watched it, it didn’t hit me too deeply; a few laughs here and there and the pleasant surprise of queer representation where the audience is the least likely to expect it. The complexity of the scene, however, is subtly genius and I need to rant about it.

(Prepare for an excessive amount of overanalyzing and the use of image-stills below the cut)

So, right away, we see Dean waiting at a bar by himself.

(Shocking, I know). Following his line of sight, we can infer that Dean is watching something, likely a tv screen above the bar. Right afterward, we are shown this clip:

A man with a bow and arrow. So, already we can make the connection that this is the television show Dean is watching as he waits at the bar. (I’m pointing this out to explain that this is how “subtext” works. While it’s never explicitly confirmed this is the tv show Dean’s watching, editing and visual cues invite viewers to make this valid conclusion. The scene is filled with even more subtext for us to unravel on an even deeper level.)

By its inclusion, we know that there is something important about this imagery. Placed in a scene about trying to find Cupid, it isn’t too hard to make the connection that the archer is mean to symbolize Cupid’s bow - the very thing the characters are after in this episode.

This clip of the tv screen is taken from Dean’s perspective. We just saw him watching something over the bar, and now the creators are giving us some information on what exactly Dean’s focused on. Then, we get this image:

The man is aiming his bow and arrow straight at the audience - or is he? As we know, this angle is taken from Dean’s perspective where he is still sitting by himself at the bar. So what do we see after this?

Cas walking up from behind Dean.

What’s interesting to note is that the bar actually has two entrances. There’s the door behind Dean that Cas walks through, and there’s another door at the end of the bar off to Dean’s left. (We see Cupid use this door for her entrance later). But the writers specifically wanted Cas walking up behind Dean. It’s even directed in the original script (courtesy of SupernaturalWiki):

[DEAN is seen sitting at the bar watching a hunter on the bars TV aim his bow at the TV screen. CASTIEL walks in the door that’s behind DEAN and sits on the stool next to him.]

But why is it important to have Castiel walk up behind Dean? Well, prior to Cas’s entrance, the last thing we saw was the image of the archer aiming at the tv screen. From Dean’s perspective, it would look like the archer is aiming at him and/or behind him. Cas’s entrance sets him right in line with the archer’s bow.

The context of this scene is crucial: Dean and Cas are focused on finding Cupid’s bow; a tool used to signify two people falling in love. The general audience knows how Cupid bow’s works in most mythology, with pre-destined lovers being shot with a magical arrow. The writers of the scene are likely depending on this pre-existing knowledge for viewers to pick up on these metaphorical clues, i.e. aiming a bow and arrow = someone destined to fall in love.

So, right away we have this image of Dean and Cas being aimed at with a bow and arrow in the context of looking for Cupid’s bow. It’s a visual cue that is meant to carry romantic connotations. If this seems like too much of an interpretative stretch for some, I can also point out that the writers use this same visual metaphor later on in the scene for a canonically romantic couple.

So after Cas sits next to Dean, the two greet each other. At one point, Dean refers to the bartender further down the bar:

DEAN

Free drinks. Your, uh, buddy over there thinks you saved his life.

Which is followed by this nice compositional parallel:

Dean and Cas at one end of the bar, and the bartender and a customer at the other. The fact that they are the only ones at the bar at this time only further emphasizes the mirroring images.

And so, Dean and Cas start talking about their plans for the future.

DEAN

Talk to me. Are you sure about this? I mean, it's one thing me and Sammy slamming the gates to the pit, but you -- you're -- you're boarding up Heaven, and you're locking the door behind you.

CASTIEL

Yeah. I know.

DEAN

You did a lot of damage up there, man. You think they're just gonna let that slide?

CASTIEL

Do you mean do I think they'll kill me? Yeah, they might.

DEAN

So this is it? E.T. goes home.

During their exchange, Dean discovers that Cas is likely to die at the hands of the Angels once the trials are done and they are able to seal up Heaven. It’s a realization that he is likely to never see Cas again.

Admittedly, it’s a heavy topic.

As Dean and Cas talk, there is actually a song being played in the background at a fairly faint level. The song is titled, “I’m So Blue” by Katie Thompson. (Here’s a link for anyone’s interested. It’s a beautiful song, I totally recommend listening to it). The lyrics can be heard at the time of Cas’s entrance and throughout his and Dean’s dialogue. The song goes:

You love me so but let me go

Now I'll never know

How our love would go

Waiting, watching the stars up above

Hoping that I could win back your love

I'm so blue without you

Thought our love was true

Then you found someone new

So yeah. It’s a love song- a tragic one about losing a lover and never knowing what could have been. These lyrics eerily mirror the topic of Dean and Cas’s discussion - about Castiel going back “up” to Heaven, likely for good. So once again, we see romantic connotations underlying Cas and Dean’s interactions set there by the creators.

For a scene where a man is supposed to find his soulmate, however, a love song isn’t entirely out of place. For all we know, this song wasn’t meant to be connected to Cas and Dean in any way. Yet, the lyrics are rather depressing for someone who is meant to be meeting their soulmate, let alone the fact that the bartender and his soulmate already have their own song to signify their transition to lovers.

The moment the two fall in love, “Nice to Be with You” by Gallery starts to play. Along with being played at a volume the audience can actually register, the lyrics of the song are way more fitting to the moment of finding your true love:

Oh, it's so nice to be with you

I love all the things ya say and do

And it's so nice to hear you say

You're gonna please me in every way

Honey, I got the notion you're causin' commotion in my soul

Baby, you and me have got somethin' that's real

I know it's gonna last a lifetime

Looking back to the scene, Dean and Cas finish their conversation and we finally see the entrance of Cupid.

Like most of the general audience at this point, Dean and Cas see the woman enter the bar and automatically assume she is the bartender’s soulmate. Dean especially comments on the “obvious” tension between the two will be lovers.

DEAN

Holy crud, this is like the first five minutes of every porno I've ever seen.

As the woman makes her entrance, the bartender signs some papers and introduces the man sitting at the bar.

[DWIGHT takes the pen and signs.]

DWIGHT [introducing GAIL to the MAN at the bar.]

Gail, Rod.

ROD

Ma'am.

DWIGHT

Rod rides a stool here most days.

So here we learn that the customer, Rod, is actually a regular at the bar. Regular enough for the bartender, Dwight, to remember his name and where he often chooses to sit. It’s safe to assume that Dwight and Rod have known each other long before this specific night, and are probably friends. This lets the audience entertain the idea that true love has the potential of happening even in the midst of a seemingly platonic friendship. This could be a not-so-subtle jab at viewers that maybe this potential can found in other relationships on screen as well…

Interestingly, Rod is also wearing a bright red hat. For the dark interior of the bar and his other neutral clothing choices, Rod’s red hat stands out like a lighthouse. From a set design perspective, it’s clear that the viewer's eye is meant to be drawn to Rod’s hat. When Cupid first enters the bar, Rod even makes sure to tip his hat towards her, drawing the viewer’s attention even further to what’s printed on there.

A pair of wings.

A pair of wings that, as an audience, we can connect to the Angel sitting just a few feet down the bar.

Cupid, of course, does her work and touches the shoulders of Dwight and Rod to make them fall in love. Her quick exit afterward leaves Dean and Cas obviously confused, yet this is soon cleared up.

Right after Cupid’s departure, Dwight and Rod look to the television screen where once again, there is an archer with a bow and arrow. Composition wise, this shot is pretty awesome. The brim of Rod’s bright red hat is pointing towards the archer, who in turn is drawing back his bow to point an invisible arrow to the right, which is where we see Dwight. The viewer’s eyes are meant to bounce from one to the other - from Rod, to the bow, to Dwight - thus, making the connection.

Rod himself looks to the right, following the viewer’s eyes as they land on Dwight. As the two make eye contact, “Nice to Be with You” hits its opening chorus and the two fall in love.

So, in summary, the two characters fated to be in love - who were old friends before this - are connected by the visual cues of a bow and arrow. Sound familiar? Because, as a reminder, this was the way Dean and Cas were introduced into the same scene just moments earlier. (i.e. Dean waiting at the bar, the arrow pointing towards/behind him, and Cas making his entrance right afterward from the same direction).

And a reminder, these details were deliberate!

Dean and Cas:

[DEAN is seen sitting at the bar watching a hunter on the bars TV aim his bow at the TV screen. CASTIEL walks in the door that’s behind DEAN and sits on the stool next to him.]

Dwight and Rod:

[DWIGHT and ROD stare at the hunter on TV as he displays the use of his bow.]

To wrap up the scene, Dean and Cas finally realize their mistake. Just like the general audience, they hadn’t thought to consider that Dwight’s soulmate may not be a girl. They assumed Dwight’s heterosexuality.

The show itself presents Dwight as an extremely masculine character. Appearance-wise, he has a wild head of hair and a scruffy beard. He’s wearing a neutral-toned plaid flannel, making connections to the rough outdoors and physical labor. He’s even sporting a few scars and bruises from the bar fight earlier that day.

The first time the audience even meets Dwight, it’s when he’s pulling out a gun to protect his bar and patrons.

He’s bold, tough, and willing to get his own hands dirty to protect those around him. He even gets tossed around a bit, earning him a few bloody wounds that he patches up later before returning right back to work later that same night.

Here, we even see him doing some physical labor, picking up the heavy beer cases and moving them behind the bar.

So as far as the audience has seen him, Dwight is a very masculine character. He shoots guns, he gets bloody, and he even serves alcohol for a living, doing all the hard work and manual labor himself. This is what makes his queer sexuality even more of a surprise to the general audience - because Dwight isn’t the image society thinks of when it thinks of queer men. In this way, Dwight challenges the stereotypes of what we understand “masculine” to be.

Out of all the characters in the scene, Dean is the one that most personifies this moment of confusion. Unlike Cas who gets up and follows Cupid out the door, it takes Dean a moment to process this realization, as it probably goes against everything he had been expecting just moments before (As a reminder to the, “This is like the first five minutes of every porno I've ever seen” line). I won’t go too deep in analysis over Dean’s expressions in this scene - I think everyone can make their own interpretation of what’s going through his head here - but I’ll leave some screenshots as a reference.

And that concludes the analysis of the Cupid/bar scene! So, in summary,

While waiting to find Cupid’s bow, Dean watches a tv screen where an archer aims behind Dean, which is exactly when Cas makes his entrance from the same direction

While Dean and Cas talk about how they may never see each other again, “I’m So Blue” - a love song about someone who lost their lover - plays behind them

Dwight and Rod parallel Cas and Dean in multiple ways throughout the scene, including scene composition, Rod’s hat having wings, being old time friends, and the tv archer aiming from Rod to Dwight

Dean and Cas personify the heteronormative perspective of the general audience by assuming the woman (Cupid) was Dwight’s soulmate; along with Dean’s observation of the “sexual tension” between the two. Both of which, we learn, are inaccurate.

So, yeah, while just a few minutes long, this scene is jam-packed with amazing things to unravel after just the first viewing.

#supernatural meta #scene analysis #destiel #08.23 #outside world analysis #parallels #text #images

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taalkundig · 4 years

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15/5/20

Pffffff... that is the description of how I currently feel. Everything just has to be so difficult. First of all, let’s start with this afternoon; I had a discussion with my mom abt maybe getting a room in the city i study in instead of traveling 2.5 hrs a day... The hurtful thing is that my mom doesn’t think that I’m ready to live on my own, which I did not like to hear. She thinks I’ll “go all out” or something, because after all, “I already drink & party too much”. She just thinks I can’t take care of myself... It’s quite hurtful to hear something. I agree that i drink too much alcohol (will get back on that, maybe?) but still. I think I can fend for myself. The discussion eventually wound down to the fact that I’m lazy, to which I don’t agree. I do a lot of stuff, more than the average student actually, but it’s apparantly nog enough. Looks like I’m not getting a dorm soon. I guess that with the current corona it wouldn’t happen anyways. I’ll see how things develop, I’ll be at home until September anyways.

On a more positive note, this evening was nice. I was finally able to go to the scouts after such a long time! We build a big swing that could accomdate multiple people by tying logs together with wood. It’s more fun than it sounds, I swear!

After that, i went with S to McDonalds for a good evening snack, but that was not before something else happened: Sa, my ex, asked if she could come hang out (with a mutual friend, “D”) at my place after the scouts. I agreed.

During the drive to McDonalds, my friend S said something slightly unsettling: He said that my ex would like to get back together with me... Something like this should definitely not be said to me, as I’ll overthink and overanalyze everything due to it. The worst thing is, she was coming over not much later! The thoughts just run wild trough my mind. Obviously I wouldn’t try anything, but still. Anyhow, after they came to my place I discovered I didn’t have anything to drink, except for some weird old liquor, no beer at all! So it was kinda boring and we did not have much to tell eachother, it was quite a bummer. Everyone even left early, first S at around 0:30 and then Sa and D leaving at ~0:45. It was dissapointing.

Mainly dissapointing because my mind runs wild and I start thinking of scenarios which i’m certaint wouldn’t happen... but still I known that deep down I’d still want to happen. Don’t get me wrong, I would never want to get back into a relationship with Sa, but still, I’ve been missing the intimacy ever since we broke up... my friend S just shouldn’t have told me, it would’ve been much easier.

To make matters worse, one of my cats shattered a decorative window which was on the window still. I hope my parents don’t get more angry than they already were (relating to earier discussions). Also, the shit I’ve pulled during carnaval still lasts. I keep regetting my actions of that week more and more...

On a slightly more positive note, I’ve been listening to “forever rain” by “RM”, which had been accurate in describing my mood, even though I don’t understand any lyrics. Thank you K, you’re one of my best friends and I feel like you understand me as one of the best people I know. I’d love to meet you IRL one day. Thank you again!

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lucifer--deckerstar · 3 years

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Ok I've gone and written down my thoughts on JatP in extensive detail 😅 here they are!

Omgg that was AMAZING!!

I'm gonna go point by point as the thoughts come to mind lol

- Music was IMPECCIBLE!!! 😍😍 my favorites are Wake Up and Edge of Great. They all have such amazing voices!! Especially Julie and Luke (on that subject later lol). The lyrics were AMAZING! I believe I posted about it RIGHT AWAY as I listened to Wake Up, that song hit a chord for me! So beautiful, I have it on constant repeat, no shame! I liked all of the songs, but Wake Up and Edge of Great just HIT DIFFERENT

- I was conflicted until episode 7 on whether or not I shipped Julie with Nick or Luke. However, the moment episode 7 started, I was done for!! There was never any denying their incredible chemistry, how she pushed him with his parents, how she supported him and the band finding peace, even if that meant she'd lose him and the guys forever, and how they just sang so beautifully together 😍

- lmaoo I had some WACK theories on this show 🤣 lord, someone should've just told me to calm down, wouldn't have minded lol I think I'm just too used to watching shows with plot twists after plot twists. My stupidest prediction was thinking Julie's dad was going to end up being the 4th band member that survived, Bobby 🙈 after actually meeting older Bobby, I still didn't learn and came up with the theory that somehow Carrie and Julie were going to end up being half sisters through the mom (I mean maybe? Lol the show could go this route if they wanted to mend their friendship, though it was nice to see Carrie give Julie and the Phantoms a standing ovation in that last episode)

- WILLEX!!!! Holy wow 😍😍 first of all, I LOVE Booboo Stewart so the moment he came on screen with Alex, I dropped EVERYTHING and shipped them! I shipped Alex with Reggie at first, and even when seeing their interactions throughout; it would be so awesome if Reggie came out as bi or queer. But man, the angst with Willex and how they were sooo cute 😍😍 I love it! I hope they recover their friendship if we get a season 2 (uhh question here.. why hasn't it been renewed????) and hopefully explore Willie's feelings and have Alex declare his!

- THIS ENTIRE INTERACTION 🤣🤣🤣 one of my favorites scenes:

Luke sings "Edge of Great" with passion to Reggie to prove he has chemistry with everyone he sings with

Reggie: that was hot!

Luke: *kisses his fingers and places them on Reggie's lips*

Reggie: *shook* Girls! am I right?

Luke: Yeah!

Alex: No!

🤣😭 DEAD!!!!!!!!!

- I REALLY don't like Caleb and I REALLY don't like how he's so powerful and took over Nick's body! Scared but excited to to see where this goes! That being said, I wonder what it was that he had so against the band? I feel like he's somehow more connected than we know right now. Like he went through a lot of trouble just for 3 guys in a band 🤔 but that could really just be me overanalyzing!

- I LOVE JULIE'S BROTHER CARLOS!!! HE'S THE CUTEST 😍😍😍 the entire family, including the aunt, are just the best, I love it!

- The energy that Flynn brings to the show!!! Omgg I love it 😍 like who doesn't need the all supportive, amazing, funny af but serious when need be best friend that Julie has??

Ok lol I think I'm about done 😂 sorry! Would LOVE discussing this show with people! Some great opportunities already and lots of discussion!

#julie and the phantoms #jatp #juke #luke #alex #reggie #willie #willex #SOMEONE TELL ME THESE PEOPLES LAST NAMES LOL #do they even have last names?#are we ever going to find out?#WHY HASN'T NETFLIX RENEWED THIS YET???

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mujinfuu · 7 years

Video

youtube

Dancers: Krystal Gonzalez, Al Ang, and myself.

Watch the video first before reading ahead and form an opinion on what the concept is. What comes next are the thoughts and perspectives that each of us had during and after watching this.

So ever since this video was uploaded to the Riverside Sessions drive, I’ve been watching it over and over again to dissect it. I also got curious about what the thoughts of the other dancers were with this piece both during and after watching it a few times. Here’s the conversation:

Al: Twilight. Bella choosing between Edward and Jacob but she chose Edward even though last minute Jacob tried one last time.

In all seriousness, it feels like a story of two friends. One begins to fall for a girl but little did he know that the girl and other friend had feelings for each other. It became a push pull between the girl who was indecisive and fighting her feelings for the Edward and in the end Jacob kept letting go.

Even though Jacob came back several times to see if things would work, it always ended in a chase that never had anything truly substantial at all.

At the last tri-contact, it was the internal struggle with acceptance of their paths as all three reunited in a solemn manner. Excuse my use of twilight chars. Just used the names in place of Friend1 and Friend2

Krystal: Very much agree on the twilight reference. But my thinking process, whenever I go into a contact freestyle I establish my character to the song and as I’m interacting I figure out the relationships. Since you two started off first together I felt like I was first trying to gather my feet and then al came to me first as a friend would. Then switching to josh in that type of Edward versus Jacob feel. But contacting with al always has stronger initiatives in like touch and feel which allowed me to think about the contrast of wanting to stay and letting go. Josh always has a light feel that has a lot of connection and intention which I brought more of the feeling aspect that drew me in the song especially. Like my hand were tied lmao.

Me: Really digging the Twilight references Al and I can definitely see what you’re saying Krystal about the contrasts in touch and feel. Here’s my take after watching it a few times (first focusing at it as how it’s presented, then 3 times focusing on each of us individually, and finally watching it with everything previously in mind).

So initially, it was just a love triangle thing (this is also what my approach was with the song as I got more comfortable with it since I’ve never heard it before). Al and I are friends, Krystal and I were once together but aren’t anymore, Al is there to comfort her but she still has some feelings for me while I’m still trying to figure out what I want (whether to try and take her back or give a chance to someone I know who can treat her better). The final contact we have with each other symbolizes how we just want what’s best for one another and how these feelings clash and fuse and react to one another ultimately ending in each of us turning away from one another.

Watching us individually, I noticed that there was more to the story. To set things straight, Al is my closest friend who I have known prior to knowing/dating Krystal and she is in a relationship with me. You two have known each other before we were in a relationship and he has had feelings for her ever since they’ve met but has put them aside because friendship and bro code.

Starting with myself, I seem to be going through something that’s disconnecting me from both of you guys. It seems I’ve changed and I’m a bit too emotional jumping from aggressive to distant to confused to sad and the cycle continues. Al tries to reach out but I push him away and the madness that goes on within myself is bleeding onto the relationship I have with Krystal, which is also pushing her away. The times when in alone, I’m contemplating whether it’s right for me to keep torturing her in this toxic relationship just because I’m comfortable with her or let her go to be with someone better and be happier. Little did I know, she still loves me and comes back to me so often but the constant clashing of whether to hold on to her or let her go still lingers. In the end, everything that I’ve been going through, feeling, and thinking about comes out.

Focusing on Al, you can tell he’s just a genuinely kind guy. He’s been there through my good and bad days but this time, for whatever reason and even though I may have gone to him for some help, it seems that I’m not willing to let him do so. He’s also been there for Krystal too and it seems like he’s witnessing the relationship imploding. Those feelings for her are arising again but he doesn’t want to be a homewrecker. These feelings and thoughts come out in the end.

Focusing on Krystal, we see that there’s something wrong with us, or should I say with me. I haven’t been the same and she’s been going to Al for some comfort and advice not knowing he’s had deep feelings for her for a long time until recently but she’s only focused on trying to fix what we have. She doesn’t want to throw away what we have because of our history but she can’t deny that it’s taking a toll on her. This also all comes out in the end.

Watching it again with all of this in mind, it’s now a love triangle between a broken and lost man trying to figure out what’s best for his woman, a best friend who has a chance to be with someone he’s had feelings for ever since he’s known her but doesn’t want to jeopardize his connections with either of them, and a woman who is torn between trying to fight for what she has and leaving a toxic relationship in pursuit and a chance of happiness. In the end (and this goes back to the initial thoughts of the ending), everything that we’ve been going through, our feelings, emotions, and thoughts all intertwine, clash, and are released to create this beautiful yet tragic perspective of something I can’t really describe. When the dust settles, Krystal lays in front wondering what to do. I’m laying behind her wanting to tell her to leave me but can’t find the strength to do so. Al initially reaches out to help me again but after I pull away, he turns his back to me.

I’m probably just overanalyzing this or maybe previous experiences and other friend’s experiences with this is being projected onto our freestyle but that’s what I see. I may have left out some stuff but yeah. It’s good to read and understand what you see in it and how you felt during it. Sorry that was super long but I don’t know. Felt like I wanted to share that and get your take of it too. Thanks again guys.

Holy crap the more I think about it, the more there is to it.

The relationship that Krystal and I have could have been on the rocks for a while now but it’s only recently that we both opened up to Al. This could mean that I’ve been a complete selfish prick and have been abusing her and I’m not noticing it since this is normal for me. Maybe the thing that’s bothering me is that in the back of my mind, I know what I’m doing and how I’m treating her is wrong and I should do something about it. Maybe somewhere in the middle of the freestyle, I see how happy she is with Al and I’ve realized the girl he’s been talking about that he likes is her. So there’s a chance for me to make them both happy at the cost of mine (but really it’s just the whole history thing with her and how comfortable I am being with her).

So there’s Krystal and I wanting to keep stay together because comfort and history and Al trying to honor the relations between us both. The solution seems so simple. Al and Krystal should be together and I should respect their decision and move on while I better myself. But I guess you can argue that working through hardships in a relationship only makes the foundation that much stronger and there are other fish in the sea. I suppose it’s about who you want to root for huh?

Maybe none of us are meant to be together in that way and that we’re all supposed to be friends or maybe not. Maybe whomever Krystal chooses in the end may not be such a happy ending. Maybe whomever stays single will stay single but share their love in different ways. Who knows what’s right and wrong when it comes to love. I suppose it boils down to our choices and how we move forward with them. I don’t know. Sorry I went off on a rant.

Al: Hahaha dam remind not to catch feels between you two…

Jkjk

But yes, I love both of your guys input! I can see the interpretation of both views and it’s pretty eyeopening to watch it again after reading each view.

Whenever I go into a contact freestyle or freestyle in general, I try to establish my motive initially, similar to Krystal and others, often by feeling the music.

Stepping away from my twilight shiz, and just giving what I was thinking throughout some cause im at work rn….

I went in immediately thinking that Krystal and Josh had interest. It was a love triangle between two friends and I went back to how I would act in real life if things happen in a triangle.

Reseceding back to support the friend.

Though in the twist of music and emotion and vibes, began to chase the feelings caught. Though each attempt ended in nothingness and I ran away to recollect myself (in character)

When I returned again for the final section, it was to find peace with both parties and hoping to reconnect what was torn and broken and hoping to start anew only to end in a symbolic tri-collapse of solemn emotion between everyone ie nobody wins in this war of torn hearts etc

Funny thing is we’ve never heard of the song before and this was our first time contact freestyling together. I didn’t even go into what the lyrics meant in terms of watching each of us individually and collectively. It’s amazing just watching all of this and realizing that all of what was mentioned above is conceptualized in a matter of moments throughout the song.

I’d like to hear your own thoughts and opinions on what this dance means to you.

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babymyharry · 7 years

Text

jealous

based on this request :: can you pretty please write something about y/n and harry going to a party and harry getting all jealous when a dude flirts with y/n?? thank you !!

i took a weird spin on this (i think) but i hope it's acceptable ;) not going to fit with everyone, i'm sure, but i tried!! gonna be honest, don't really like this piece very much (just feel like i could’ve done better) but i didn't want to keep this anon waiting any longer. hope you enjoy anyway :))

WARNINGS :: some *maybe* offensive song lyrics and a bit angsty?¿ idk man it's pretty PG - PG-13ish

masterlist

O V E R V I E W

"Wha' in the ever living fuck does that bloke think he's doing?" Harry slurs a bit on his words, the scene before him making his jaw set and eyes narrow.

"Jesus, they're just singing. Lighten up a bit, mate."

And maybe it was the excessive amounts of drinks that were consumed that was making Harry a lot more open about his emotions but maybe he just really hates this boy that's looking at her as if he has a chance.

harry is y/n’s and y/n is harry’s

Harry was not the jealous type.

Sure, there would be a run in on occasion that would have his fist clench and his jaw tense. But that being said, it took a lot for him to ever get to that point.

The thing is, it's happening now.

Harry had begged Y/N to come to the party Alexa was throwing and only after much convincing of "Love, they'll love you, trust meh."

So the two of them had went to the party. Y/N still on the fence because these were Harry's friends, long and dear friends and they didn't know anything about her besides whatever Harry had said and the media's portrayal.

Yet, once they got there, it turned out Harry was right. They adored her. All of them. And sure, Harry joked about her stealing all the attention from him but he was so ecstatic the people he loved the most were all getting along. Over the moon, really.

And so Harry didn't think anything of it when it was a good thirty minutes into the drunken mess of supposed Karaoke and he just really needed to pee.

"Gonna head to the loo, love. Be back soon," he had whispered in her ear and she barely acknowledged it while dancing along with Lou.

It's what happened when he was away that had him feeling an emotion he didn't think he possessed.

"Okay! Mates, listen up!" Alexa had shouted before giggling in a tipsy stupor and talking into the mic now, "I want Y/N to sing."

Her eyes blew wide and Y/N really thinks if she wasn't this hammered she would have definitely gone and hid somewhere.

"Me? I mean, sure.. but I really don't want to do it alone."

And so that's when Lou makes the suggestion of Harry but that's soon turned down when they realize he's not here at the moment. But then some random bloke (who Y/N has no idea how he's connected with Alexa) shouts out a suggestion that none of them knew would soon be having Harry fuming.

"Oi! Get all the Americans up there!"

Y/N thinks that's a good deal. There has to be at least a good number in here. But she soon realizes what position she's in now because of what Lou had uttered.

"Michael's the only other American in this lot, Jack!"

That's what has a very tall, blonde haired, blue eyed boy squeezing past everyone with shouts rooting and encouraging him on.

"You must be Michael." Y/N smiles at him, holding her hand out for a proper greeting.

He nods his head with a lopsided grin as they shake hands, "Yeah, you're Y/N, right?"

And she's nodding her head trying to forget about how clammy his hand felt. Honestly, he's cute in a very typical way but he's not her type at all and what worries her is it seemed as though she was his. Maybe she was just overanalyzing though, she tended to do that a lot.

"Okay so what song were you thinking? I was thinking a throwback of some sort?" She questions with hopeful eyes that he actually knows how to hold a key.

"For sure ma, but you can pick."

She ignores that little pet name for the time being.

"How does Promiscuous by Nelly sound? You know the beat?"

"That song was my shit back in the day, hell yeah."

And so she tells Alexa the song while she announces which song they were going to be doing before it came through the speakers.

"Give it up for Y/N and Michael!" Alexa shouts through the mic and that's what has a crowd approaching Harry clenching his jaw.

His Y/N? There's no one else here with that name, he's sure. He's praying it was a different Michael. Please for the love of God, be a different Michael...

Am I throwing you off?

Nope.

Didn't think so

And yep. That's definitely Y/N and Michael. Harry's questioning the entire point of even going to this party now.

"What the fuck," he mutters softly as he pushes past people.

How ya doing young lady, the feeling that you gave me really drives me crazy.. you don't have a player on your trunk I was at a loss of words first time that we spoke

Is this seriously Promiscuous of all fucking songs? Harry won't admit the fact that Michael can actually hold the tune makes him even more angry.

If you looking for a girl that'll treat you right, if you looking for her in the day time in the light

Harry's looking right at her and she's looking into this bloke's eyes. He knows he's in trouble when the crowd starts cheering them on.

You might be the type if I play my cards right, I'll find out by the end of the night

You expect me to just let you hit it, but will you still respect me if you get it?

Why the hell did Harry ever like this song again?

All I can do is try, give me one chance, what's the problem? I don't see no ring on your hand

That's when Harry fucking loses it. He nearly trips over a couple of people trying to get up to the very front. He barely even acknowledges some guy muttering "Styles! That's your girl up there, yeah?"

He really needs to clam down. Harry knows he's overreacting. He trusts Y/N with every ounce of his being. The problem being, Michael was not a boy he fancied very much. He had heard far too many stories about cheating and aggressiveness to ever be able to see him any differently. And when Harry Styles has a bad viewing of you, you're fucked.

He finds Lou and pulls her gently over to the corner with an affronted little squawk in protest.

"Christ, Harold, what is up your arse?"

"Wha' in the ever living fuck does that bloke think he's doing?" Harry slurs a bit on his words, ignoring the valiant question of hers, the scene before him making his jaw set and eyes narrow.

"Jesus, they're just singing. Lighten up a bit, mate."

Pay attention to me, I don't talk for my health

I want you on my team So does everybody else

Understandably, Harry’s jaw locks and he chuckles a humorous laugh at that last song lyric because how fucking accurate is it? She’s bloody gorgeous. He knows she gets a lot of male attention. Some side glances that were a little too long for Harry, a turn of the head to gaze down at her backside that really tickled Harry’s tulips (not in a good way at all), and one time some Italian guy had asked for her number right in front of him when they were in Milan for a fashion show.

And it’s these kinds of situations that make Harry realize just how fucking lucky he is. Girls proper thow themselves at him and Y/N never ever complains. She gets it. If she’s so chill about it, why can't he?

Harry concludes with the excuse of how he felt a need to always protect her (something he knew she didn't need, she was a very capable woman, but he can't bloody help it.)

He goes to stand behind Alexa, right up front with them as she was the one controlling the Karaoke machine.

It’s not like he has a reason to cause a big scene. He doesn't want to ruin this party. He doesn't want to embarrass her. Hell, he doesn't want to embarrass himself.

And Harry really hated being such a downer when this entire thing was his plan. He wanted her to get to know his friends, he wanted her to have a good time and yet here he is looking like he was about to snap this bloke’s arm in half.

That is, until Y/N turns around and her face lights up when she sees Harry and he really feels shitty for ever being pissy in the first place. She's just so magnetic and charismatic, it’s no wonder everyone she meets adores her.

But the thing is, she’s looking at him now and that bloke is singing to the crowd while everyone around them is cheering way past a drunken madness.

Promiscuous Boy, I'm calling your name but you're driving me crazy, the way you're making me wait

Y/N’s singing to Harry now and he's smiling with the most cocky demeanor. Okay, maybe he didn't hate the song that much. So he sings back to her and only her.

Promiscuous Girl, you're teasing me. You know what I want and I got what you need

Her smile could definitely break so many hearts, he reckons. But never him.

Promiscuous Boy, we're one in the same so we don't gotta play games no more

They’re taken out of the blatant serenade when Alexa slurs into the mic after the song comes to a close, “Harry never told me Y/N could sing like that! Proper keeping a rising star all to himself, how fuckin rude is this boy?”

There’s a chorus of laughs as Alexa and Y/N are talking and Harry can’t hear anything they’re saying now but he knows it’s friendly based on both their beaming smiles.

And then Y/N hops on over in his direction and he leans into to peck her lips. His arms wrap around her waist as they smile into the kiss, a couple whistles thrown their way.

“Next time, m’the only bloke that gets to sing with yeh.” Harry laughs when he breaks the kiss, just loud enough for only her to hear.

She leans back at that, amusement evident in her eyes and Harry knows exactly what she's thinking. “Was someone jealous?”

He rolls his eyes but still reaches down and slides his ringed hands inside the backside pockets of her skinny jeans. Her eyebrow shoots up in speculation, neither of them very fond of PDA, but all he does is shrug and sway to the music with her, “Just protecting what’s mine, love.”

hope you enjoyed :-)

send me feedback

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all the fucking love,

amanda xx

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