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#like you don’t get to perceive my gender based on my title
reinanova · 2 months
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the nonbinary urge to get a PhD so people have to refer to you as Dr instead of Ms/Mx/Mr
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I really don’t like that I have to misgender myself to have my gender-based adversity recognised by the wider public. Like, I look through scholarships and there’s some for women who are going to university, and I get why they don’t have scholarships for men going to university, but also, I am a man planning to go to university who faces adversity for his (trans)gender, and I don’t want to have to call myself a woman to have my struggles against the patriarchy seen as valid. Because I’m not a woman. I’m a man, I’m treated like a woman, but I’m not a woman, and I don’t want to call myself one to be recognised. Idk if this makes sense but it’s just something that annoys me a little
yeah. i actually related to womanhood for a while because of this. i was treated as a woman for a very long time. often, i still am. i was socialized as one for so long and its tough undoing that. i still get uncomfortable when guys slap my butt or make comments on my body like they do to other cis guys, even if it’s in a playful manner. i don’t like being called “lesbo” and “faggot” by guys even if they’re my friends because female socialization taught me to perceive it as a threat.
so for a while, i did relate to womanhood. those scholarships and programs titled “for women” seemed to call my name, even if i wasn't one.
this doesn’t change my identity, and it certainly doesn’t change yours. you are valid, anon, and you are not alone.
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Unhealthy obsession
Warning: Title speaks to itself. Stalking. Yandere? and obsessive Simeon
Summary: After a long time without inspiration Simeon finds it in you. You are his muse, his everything. 
reader is gender neutral and oblivious 
-          MC is so perfect, they have no flaws at all. I must capture their best qualities, so I could base a character from them. I bet everyone will just adore them, right? What do you think, Solomon? - angel kept talking about you in a fanatical tone. Solomon tried his best to force a smile, though, it was pretty clear that he was disturbed by Simeon’s sudden obsession with you.
-          Hehe…… you know you sound like Levi right now? But anyway, why did you decide to choose MC as a character for your new book? – angel seemed to be shocked. Isn’t it obvious? How could Solomon be so blind? Its easy to realize that only you are worthy to be written by a hand of a master, such as Simeon.
-          I thought you would understand Solomon… But I am a little disappointed. You see, these days I am struggling to find any inspiration for my writing. The fate of an artistic person is not so simple. You live day after day trying to create something. At the same time, you have to put your whole soul in there, so that your work comes out readable and enjoyable. I was desperate until a great idea hit me. And that’s when I knew it! I should use MC as my main source to solve my problems! - as angel explained this, his eyes lit up with hope.
-          Huh… well good luck then, - Solomon said, praying for your safety. It’s not like he thought Simeon could cause any harm for you, but despite that he was worried about you.
-          Thanks, I don’t need that, - Simeon smiled. There was an unusual aura about him, something that said and suggested that he had gone mad.
He spent the following days watching you, your every step, gesture, emotion. His attentive gaze did not let you go from his field of vision. Moreover, Simeon kept a pen and a notebook with him, to write your every move. His behavior could not be characterized in any way, except to call him out as a stalker. He was eager to spend his time observing you from a far.
He was also amused when you didn’t catch him following you, like a shadow of yours, even though he stalked you for weeks. Haven't you noticed angel's strange attitude? Or may he perceive this, as a permission to continue these actions?
His mind was clouded. It was hard to know if he was doing it out of love or out of a desire to end writer’s block. All the feelings in him were mixed up, his brain lost contact with his mind. He attached himself to you as the only goal without which, he could not continue his existence.  
Was this unhealthy? Pretty much. But who will stop him? He is not causing any difficulties for now, so there is no necessity in preventing him.  
He would lock himself in his room, after a long day of following you around. Simeon did not sleep at night, just to write pages about your exploits and adventures. He used the most beautiful expressions in your direction, to show how wonderful you were.  
Perhaps from lack of sleep, his madness grew even faster. He was ready to simply become one with you, just in order to better understand you and your thought process.
-          This is ideal! – angel exclaimed. He looked at the stack of written papers with an admiring look, apparently he had finally finished his book. “And all of this thanks to you, MC! Heheh, I must show them my hard work. Can’t wait to see their reaction!”
Simeon was on a cloud nine, he had never finished a book so quickly before. He thought it was all due to you. After all, if it weren't for you, he would have remained without inspiration and would not have been able to force himself to write even a couple of pages.
Well, then... The matter remains small, he will need to catch you when the demon brothers will not get in the way around the two of you. He could have given you these notes and left you with them overnight or for a few days, but he wanted to see your live and real emotions to find out whether you liked the book or not.
He would patiently sit next to you, observing your facial expressions. He would monitor your every change, even if it was related to such a small thing as breathing. But you'd be engrossed in the plot of the book to notice Simeon's devouring gaze.
Please be careful with the words you choose when Simeon asks about your opinion about the book, in order to avoid an unpleasant situation. If you are too rash and say that you liked it, then he will take it as a declaration of love. You don't want his obsession with you to increase, do you?
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scriptlgbt · 2 years
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i'm currently in the writing process of writing my first book. the main love interest is an androgynous non-binary heir. Considering it's a fantasy world, I chose to make it societally normalized. My biggest issue so far has been gender coded appearance descriptors and gendered titles (ie. prince/princess). I want this character to remain as impossible to misgender as possible. close friend's of mine who are non-binary said that oxymorons (ie. softly angular) are my best bet - (1)
(2) - as a cis writer, i thought i'd ask you on how to describe someone androgynous in writing without using gendered words/descriptors. I'm sorry if this may seem like an overbearing question, and please correct me if I had said anything misinformed or offensive. Thank you for your time.
Don’t worry about this being an “overbearing” question - it’s not at all. This blog specifically exists to answer questions like this. There are undoubtedly other people who wonder the same things but who either are afraid to ask (so don’t) or are rude about it. So asking a question respectfully, especially in a setting where you are specifically invited to ask questions, is the best option of those. At least when it comes to something where you need to know the answer for some reason, like in writing good representation.
To get to the actual advice though: I can’t actually tell what you mean by gender-coded appearance descriptors, so I’m going to try to cover what I can. If you’re worried about something like, “soft ringlets and bold eyeliner” skewing feminine (for example), I wouldn’t worry that much about it. Something that describes body parts that happen to be gender-coded by society (breasts or an Adam’s apple for example) will land a lot differently, however. They will likely read with a fetishy tone in most writing. (I’m sure describing these characteristics on a trans character *can* be done in an alright way, but I don’t advise it because of how difficult that would be to pull off.) But as for general descriptors, I wouldn’t worry too much about making sure the descriptions are perfectly even.
Androgyny tends to be perceived differently based on the birth assignment as well. This isn’t fair, but it’s something society does a lot. Ideas of masculinity bringing a DFAB person closer to androgynous, and vice versa, as though our birth assignments are inherently going to skew us one way or another and we need to take efforts in our presentation to counteract that. I found when I started presenting in a way where I was confident and assuming what I would want to wear after top surgery and being on testosterone for a long time, people started assuming I had a different birth assignment more often. I think some of this may be just that people tend to assume groups of people are the same and that I am most often with trans women. But I only think that’s some of it. I’ve sometimes gotten this assumption when I am on my own as well. (Someone once asked me how I’d deal with it as a nonbinary person after being on testosterone long enough to “start passing as a man” and I had to explain that I never really passed as a cis man. Maybe I’ve passed as DMAB, but not as a man. These are not at all the same things.)
Another thing: I get what you’re going for when you mean “as impossible to misgender as possible” but I think it’s also important just to keep in mind that people will find ways to misgender us no matter what. Being seen as myself doesn’t change that some people are going to want to undermine that by making up details in the absence of information. There’s no shortage of people on the internet who tried to hurl transmisogyny at me when I was pointing out transphobia, because their sole perception of transness was the kind that transphobes fearmonger about. So if you can’t get an audience who genders the character correctly, it’s not your fault. Pronouns are easy to get (w/ some variation) when you fundamentally believe that a person is who they are and that their pronouns are part of that. And/or when people practice enough. Don’t take this as a measure against your writing.
Some neutral-coded description ideas:
(Note: some of these may not be neutral-coded depending on setting, but I read them as such personally.)
describing mood/facial expression
mannerisms/the way they carry themself
tone of voice
the way they dress (do their shoes look comfortable? jeans look well-worn? shirt ironed? aesthetic choices?)
confidence, hesitancy, timidness, how this may change around different characters or in different settings
voice speed/volume/pacing
their body language in relation to others present
hair, complexion, other physical features (highly rec this masterpost by Writing With Color on describing various features)
interacting with some object or hobby that helps paint a picture of them (smacking gum, holding a skateboard, paint stains on an apron, boxing gloves hanging off their bike)
piercings (& jewelry), tattoos
the way the weather is interacting with them (wind making their hair blow into their face constantly, rain weighing down their velvet pantsuit, clumsy on the frozen sidewalk, twirling a parasol)
- mod nat
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my-wayward-son · 1 year
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Trans truths #6
What’s up with social passing, anyway?
Passing is largely defined as the condition or point has come when a passerby would see you, and, based on features, will assume you are male.
Yes, it’s all social and institutional mysoginy, which is bullshit and needs to be noticed and worked on, whether through bills or laws or pride or protests… But, in the same way,I’ve addressed concepts such as “the silhouette,”most public spaces and those who occupy them. In a single glance, people tend to read one’s gender presentations and and they automatically allocate you to the basic (if outdated) categories of XX or XY. It’s just the sad truth.
Again, this is all highly opinionated, I know, but I’ve lived in 2 different cities over the past 10 years, and I’ve met my fair share of oblivious/unkind/unwanted attention. Let’s just say that a lot of people still living under rocks, and a good handful of professionals (usually nurses) who have received inclusivity training and wear a badge or pin identifying themselves as LGBT friendly have not received updated information or training beyond the basics. Much of the presented literature not current. People may insist on calling you a previous. Often it is unintentional, but it hits the point home: training is basic, doesn’t not ebb and flow with evolving lingo, name or using your preferred pronouns. Many folks (especially medical professionals) is from backlogged DVM, late -90s era pamphlets and news articles (such as those disseminated from PFLAG,) and legal specifications that read “do not do/say xxx, or you will be immediately fired for breaking that the pesky laws drawn up with Title IV”. That pertains to things like providing service (like in restaurants, barber shops, caregivers in the hospital, etc. ) and abolishing police and personal related to whom is allowed to be in public space.(park, theater, median in the freeway…whatevs.) And, jsyk, you can report mistreatment and advocate for yourself—usually by first stating your problem to the lead nurse/boss /manager/etc). Bring up possible Title IV infraction a little longer down the road. Most of the time the business, hospital, etc, will find someone somewhere to translate respectful speech for the …backward, I guess?
When you’re in a situation where you are speaking to someone such as a receptionist in a medical office, be prepared for hiccups. One of the best ways to get started and easily establish the who, how, and when is by using honorifics. Yes, it’s a bit (ok, a lot) scary to initiate conversations with strangers, but here’s the logic: in clinical, business, and academic situations, greeting the person with an honorific (like “Good morning, sir,”), allows them to feel good about themselves and want to be equally kind, which leads to a higher opportunity of the interaction going well. In my experience, the receptionist will usually use a non-gendered name for me, like “Sweetie.” In this case, the other person is perceiving you as young, and their mind has glammed on to that, rather placing you as XX or XY’) I’ve also had several instances where I”ve been called “bud,” which I find entertaining ok, since this indicates the person (usually a male person, for some reason) is reading you as both young and male. Past honorifics and greetings, depending highly on the situation, you’ll become a name and a pronoun (as the receptionist speaks to the MA, etc.). Try not to interrupt, but when it’s your talking term, here are the phrases that can keep you from feeling quashed under a past identity. Saying “My name is (masc name), although in the record it might be under (femme name).” is a great place to start. Usually your conversation partner will get with it. If they either don’t respond or continue to misgender you, jump back into the conversation at any pause point and say something like “My pronouns are he/him/his.” Or “I use they/them pronouns.” or whatever the case may be. Almost 100% of the time, the other speaking partners are misinformed, and they don’t have a problem with switching to correct terms. There’s usually no need to state that you’re trans (that’s really not anyone’s business—you don’t need to be blatant in the waiting room, even if you’re there to see the doctor who prescribes you T.) If you still feel comfortable talking to the receptionist or whoever, consider asking for your preferred name and pronouns to be added to your chart. Most of them have forms with space given for that info. If they don’t seem to be able to do it right away, I can 100% assure you that the program they use to keep personal information and/or the physical printed forms can be edited by an administrator of the system. ( Years of SharePoint training not yet gone to seed.)
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humanitiesnb · 2 years
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GLASS HALF EMPTY MANIFESTO
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Would you consider the glass of water above to be half empty or half full? To solidify your answer, let’s play a short game. I want you to visualize an open field. What’s the field’s condition? Is the field dry? Is it lush? How big is the field? Is the field filled with something like grass? Is the grass well-trimmed? Is the grass dead? As you wander aimlessly around your field, you take note of the weather. What’s the weather like? Is it raining? Is there a storm coming? Is it sunny? Windy? Foggy? Your answers to these three scenarios speak volumes about your outlook on life. Are you more of an optimist? That is, you see the glass half full, your field is overflowing with coruscating flowers, and the weather is sunlit and radiant. Or, are you more of a pessimist? In other words, you perceive the glass as half empty, your field is barren and lifeless, and there’s an upcoming deluge. For me, I’m undoubtedly a gloom-ridden person. This characteristic is exposed through three of my pieces of work. In module two—titled abstract images—I chose to peruse Rufino Tamayo's Children's Games. Despite being doused in a fiery red color, the painting's subject matter—children amusing themselves—is innocent and should have unveiled feelings of childlike jubilation and nostalgia. Instead of thinking about the positive perceptions that Children's Games brought out, I immediately thought about my fear of growing old and developing dementia. Likewise in the poetic license assignment, I chose a poem that illustrates a dangerous but all too common viewpoint that men have of women. I could have very well selected a heartfelt poem like Lullaby by Langston Hughes or an encouraging one like Mother to Son also by Langston Hughes. But again, I picked a poem that fixated on the cynical perceptions one gender has of the other. Lastly, the piece I chose to analyze in the not seen on TV module was a piece that mocked human intelligence and highlighted human depravity. In all three of these assignments, I had plenty of opportunities to either choose a buoyant piece of work or discuss the euphoric feelings and thoughts that the piece gave me. However, my line of thinking and subsequently my writing was constantly somber and critical. It seems like there wasn't a jolly bone in my body. 
The American Psychological Association defines pessimism as “the attitude that things will go wrong and that people’s wishes or aims are unlikely to be fulfilled" (American Psychological Association, n.d.). Based on this definition, pessimists loathe being placed in joyous situations where there’s an increased probability of things going awry. Marriage, having children, traveling, meeting new people, forming new friendships, impressing higher-ups, getting a promotion, and trying new foods are all a couple of situations that pessimists want to steer clear from. However, maintaining a relationship like one does in marriage and putting yourself out there through traveling are two circumstances that have an immense likelihood of bringing needless suffering. In the age of hook-up culture, people are reluctant and at times even afraid of commitment. This lack of devotion and dedication—amongst other factors—bleeds into marriages. Of course, the idea of finding your soulmate and living happily ever after is enticing and lovely but it’s just not realistic for the majority of the world’s population. An individual has to spend a significant amount of time, energy, money, and effort on producing and maintaining a healthy marriage. Unfortunately, the bulk of people either aren't willing to surrender or don’t even possess these four fruitages of marriage. If the majority are antipathetic about preserving a relationship and if more than 50% of U.S. marriages fail, then why would a pessimist want to be placed in this type of high-risk but low-reward gambling situation? In less than a millisecond, a seemingly happy marriage could crumble. Traveling poses another set of unwanted problems. Tourist destinations such as Paris, Cancun, Miami, and Bali are ripe with scammers and thieves. It’s extremely simple for a local to pickpocket a tourist in a crowded area because the tourist is either ill-prepared (for example, wearing a backpack instead of a money belt) or is distracted. Moreover, if one isn’t careful, one might be subjected to being swindled. Con tricks like taxi drivers claiming the meter is broken, vendors inflating prices, or phony police officers issuing fines are all scams geared towards extorting oblivious tourists. As evident by the Brittney Griner case in Russia and the Otto Warmbier case in North Korea, a small misstep or a lapse of judgment in a foreign country (especially a country whose government abhors America) could cost an individual their freedom and their life.
Clearly, being a prophet of doom and gloom is advantageous. When an individual catastrophizes a plan or situation, it forces them to become prepared for the possible outcome. This preparedness may come in the form of developing an action plan. For instance, before going on a trip or getting into a relationship (God forbid!), a pessimist might create a detailed list of all the feasible things that could go amiss. They can then attempt to mitigate the possibility of the worst-case scenarios coming to fruition by taking steps to prevent them from happening, or they could imagine what they would do or say in those mishaps. For example, signing a prenup as a safety measure if your marriage ends up dissolving (prevention) or being calm if robbed at knife-point in Athens (action). The key, though, is to set low expectations and then brainstorm ways for how everything could go wrong. It might be tedious or even exhausting but if those scenarios become reality, you'll thank the heavens that you had and acted on your foresight.
WORK CITATION:
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Apa Dictionary of Psychology. American Psychological Association. Retrieved July 29, 2022, from https://dictionary.apa.org/pessimism
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buckttommy · 3 years
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("Universe" anon who didn't mean to go anon) You are so right about the universe being a theme before Season 4. I had completely forgotten about that! And the fact that when Eddie's foray into compulsory heterosexuality drove Chris to run away from home, to Buck, he was wearing a shirt with the universe on it?!?  The universe literally "coming to Buck" as Taylor prophesied? I am with you on general being skeptical/not wanting to get my heart broken (1 / ??)
(we queers just don't get to have our stories told like this). But it's just so much? I mean, 1 or 2 or even several of these things over the seasons could be a coincidence or even cheeky nods to fandom. But the SHEER VOLUME, my god?!? (2 / ??)
The universe, do you know how much Christopher misses you? Eddie's whole gentle-loving-supportive-therapy-is-good thing this season, Buck clawing the dirt, the weird way they talk about everything but will NOT talk about dating, there's no one I trust with my son more than you, are you two single? that look Bobby gives ONLY Buck when he's going to have to tell him Eddie is dead, this is my kind of therapy, Buck helped *face turns into literal hearteyes emoji* YOU WANNA GO FOR THE TITLE... (3/?)
I could go on forever?! I mean, the writers are generally very good at telling characterful stories and building relationships (whatever they are doing with Ana aside...), so this has to be on purpose, right? (I am coming to think the cringey Ana thing is on purpose, even though it's awkward as hell. Yes, it's fucking awful! Just like compulsory heterosexuality!) 4/5
Anyway, I have to lie down when I think about just how stunning Eddie's story could be - and is right on the cusp of being! - if he let's himself be in love with Buck. What he would have overcome to let himself love and be loved - both internalized homophobia and gender shit and just his general life strategy of repressing and denying feeling. (I don't want you to think you have to lose everything just to feel *something*) I'm just gonna go cry about Eddie now... Thank you for indulging lol 5/5
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Hi darling! My inbox is always open to you, no indulgence necessary. :)
I’ll be really interested to see how the universe comes into play with this show again, because I can almost guarantee that it will. Like I mentioned before, it’s already been established as a recurring theme, especially in relation to Buck, so I’m curious to see how/when it’s going to crop up again.
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about Eddie’s storyline. When I consider his upbringing and all the toxic masculinity he lived under, where he was raised, and his military background, he has a long road of self-discovery to embark on, and I love that. I said before that Ana, and even Shannon seem to represent what Eddie believes he wants, whereas Buck represents what he needs, and I stand by that. Eddie has grown up being told that there are specific things he should want and aspire to, and so far, he’s hit every checkmark. He’s got (and always had) a pretty woman on his arm, a kid, a house, and he’s proven his masculinity by repressing his emotions and fucking off to the war. But I really want to see who he is when he’s not trying to live up to the expectations of other people, and I think we are finally starting to see that. The way he talks about his emotions even when he doesn’t want to, the gentle way in which he approached Buck about how he was feeling during the situation with his parents... These are things S2 Eddie never would have done. He’s growing and I love to see it, and it makes me emotional to think about how he’s literally reconstructing his own idea of what it means to be a man for himself and for his son. Fuck I love him so much. Anyway, you’re right when you say the writers are usually very good at shaping well thought-out stories and relationships, which is why I want to continue to see Eddie come to terms with who he is as a person, for himself, even if buddie doesn’t go canon. 
Relative to buddie specifically, however, you’re also right when you say there’s been an... overwhelming amount of indicators that this might be the direction they’re going in. Not just little signals to the fandom, but huge, glaring indicators. Like the lawsuit for example. I talked about it a few days ago, but though the lawsuit arc was framed to be about Buck and Bobby, a large part of it was about Eddie and Buck. The story could have made sense and flowed without the emphasis on what the lawsuit was doing to their relationship, but multiple choices were made to make their relationship a central part of the storyline. Technically speaking, Bobby should have been the one reacting to Buck in the supermarket. Bobby is the one Buck was suing !! But nope, it was Eddie, ranting (and hurting) over how Buck’s actions affected their relationship and... Buck’s relationship with Eddie’s son. Which is a whole topic unto itself. (Seriously, I’d love to really dig into the way Eddie perceives Buck’s relationship with Christopher. It’s definitely something he encourages, but that’s a topic for another day).
Anyway, my point with all this is... You’re spot on in your assessments. Sometimes I’ll look at a show that has a strong shipper-based following and I’ll say, “mmm, okay, looks like the shippers are reading into things that aren’t there” but this is not one of those instances. There is something here between Buck and Eddie, and whether it was intentional or not, it exists now, and I’m so eager to see where it goes. 
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ghostonly · 3 years
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I feel like a lot of binary trans people have a real issue with being trans instead of the cis version of their gender. I notice this in the way they get very upset when separated from cis people in situations where they really should be (I'm mainly talking statistics and scientific studies here, not discriminatory social situations).
For example, if a group of scientists are doing a study based on "Male vs. Female Reactions to Stress" or something like that, the importance is not actually in the words male and female. They title it as such, but in a cisnormative society, what they're really studying is the difference in reactions between a testosterone-affected body and an estrogen-affected one. If the study is for adult participants only, a bunch of adult trans men, who are pre-t or in its early stages, joining the men's side would hugely sway the results, because they haven't been under the effects of t for as long as a cis adult male. Or, if the study is a social one, to figure out how society has trained us to handle stress, our experiences as trans people will affect the results as well. Not only will spending your formative years thinking you are/being perceived as the opposite gender to the one you actually are affect your results, your experience being out and perceived as trans and dealing with trans rights issues and social issues will also vastly affect the results.
And I know what some of you are thinking: it doesn't matter if binary trans people have different experiences than cis men and women, they're still the gender they identify as and should be included in the study. You may have a point, but consider this:
Spiders Georg was an outlier and should not have been counted.
Yes, there are a lot of trans people, but not enough that we aren't outliers. If someone is not exactly the intended target of a study, them being in the study will skew the results. For the same reason, people with mobility disabilities are excluded from studies about fitness. A study about fitness is looking at the average abled person, not just People in General. They just don't say that in the title of the study because that's unnecessary and rude when it's something you can read in the subject criteria. Does that mean trans people should just be excluded from studies in general? Of course not! Any study that isn't directly related to gendered or hormonal experiences should include trans people. Exclusion where it makes no difference is discriminatory and shitty, obviously.
The real point of my opening statement though, is this: why are binary trans people so upset about not being treated exactly as if they're cis in every scenario imaginable?
Trans men are real men and trans women are real women, but that doesn't mean their experiences are the same as their cis counterparts. Quite the opposite. Binary trans people have a very very different experience than their cis counterparts. That's kind of the whole point, isn't it? We're not cis. We've had to discover ourselves and fight for our right to just be us.
The thing is, binary trans people, largely, seem to think that if they're not grouped with cis people in every scenario, they're being hatecrimed. But, in many scientific situations, it's appropriate to separate the groups, because of those different experiences affecting how our lives have gone or how we perceive things. And if you think that that's an issue, there's one of two things going on: you're either ashamed of being trans, or you're afraid of what it will make transphobes think if we allow ourselves to be distinguished as a group separate from cisgender people.
Those two options aren't all that different, actually.
Here's the thing: you don't need to be cis to be proud of the man or woman you are. You don't need to be cis for your gender to be real and valid. You don't need to be told you're the same as cis people to finally reach validity. Your goal isn't to become indistinguishable from cis people - or it shouldn't be. Because even if you pass to the eye, your experiences would never pass. You are trans. And that's great. Allowing ourselves to stand tall and proud in a separate group from cisgender people doesn't mean that binary trans people aren't properly men or women. It just means that our journey in relation to that may have affected things.
And finally, if you're concerned about how allowing ourselves to occasionally stand separate from cis people will look to the transphobes - if you're worried it will give them ammunition or somehow prove to them that you're not a real man or woman - you're forgetting something vital: transphobes will find justifications for their beliefs no matter what we do.
The things they see don't affect their beliefs, their beliefs affect how they perceive what they see.
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The Queer Platonic Love of Aang & Zuko
Friend. What a weighty and intimate word in Avatar The Last Airbender. The series’ “found family” is iconic at this point, and is literally established as a “family” by Katara in the third episode. She pulls Aang back from the outrage of the Avatar state, saying “Monk Gyatso and the other monks may be gone, but you still have a family. Sokka and I, we’re your family now.”
 As I’ve said before, establishing this central safety net of trusted people is essential to Aang’s healing. Still, it’s interesting to me that they insist on this group as a “family” rather than something that might emphasize “friendship.” Something along the lines of ‘we’re your friends and we’re here with you.’ I can think of several animated shows that have done as much successfully. The show withholds the word “friend” for another purpose. I’ll happily admit that Aang and the others describe each other as “friends” throughout the series, but rarely is the use of the word (through pacing, repetition, or emotional context) given a sense of gravity in those moments. 
However, three scenes in the series rely heavily on the word “friend,” and each scene connects Aang more and more profoundly with Zuko, eventually revealing that the show’s entire plot hinges on the friendship between these two boys. In a series so latent with symbolism, what do we make of these star-crossed friends? The relationship between Aang and Zuko, I want to suggest, is meant to explore Platonic Love in all its depth, especially within a masculine culture that not only devalues it, but views its queer implications as inherently dangerous to the dominant power structures of an empire.
Get ready zukaang fans for a long-ass atla meta analysis...
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“If we knew each other back then, do you think we could’ve been friends, too?”
The first time the word “friend” is uttered between them, Aang is perched on a branch, waiting for Zuko (who is laid out on a bed of leaves the Avatar made for him) to wake up after his blue spirit rescue. “You know what the worst part about being born over a hundred years ago is?” Aang waxes, “I miss all the friends I used to hang out with. Before the war started I used to always visit my friend Kuzon. The two of us, we'd get in and out of so much trouble together. He was one of the best friends I ever had...and he was from the Fire Nation, just like you. If we knew each other back then do you think we could have been friends too?” The scene stood out for me when I first watched it for the melancholy and stillness. We are not given a flashback like we did when Aang talked about Bumi or Gyatso in earlier episodes. We have to sit with Aang’s loss of a male friend. It echoes a veteran’s loss of a war buddy more than anything a western audience would expect in a children’s show about the power of friendship. Instead of simply mourning, Aang invites Zuko into the past with him. He invites Zuko to imagine a time before the war, a land of innocence, where they could live together. And between them there is a moment of reflection given to this invitation (...until Zuko shoots a fucking fire blast at Aang). 
The wistful mood returns when the two boys arrive back to their respective beds. Aang is asked by a loopy fevered Sokka if he made any “friends” on his trip, to which Aang sadly replies, “No, I don’t think I did” before tucking away to sleep. Aang’s mournful moments often stand out against his bubbly personality, but this moment stands out moreso because its the final moment for Aang in the episode. For the first time, he doesn’t receive comfort in his dejection. He doesn’t even confide in his peers. The solemnity and secrecy of this failed “friendship” is remarkable. 
It’s in the next symbolic gesture that I think Avatar reveals what’s at stake in the concept of “friendship.” Zuko, in the next scene, lays down to rest after his adventurous night, looks pensively at the fire nation flag in his room, and then turns his back on it. We realize, especially after the previous revelations in “The Storm,” that Aang’s gestures of “friendship” have caused Zuko to doubt the authority of the Fire Nation.
Now all three remaining nations have misogynistic tendencies, but the Fire Nation celebrates a specific brand of toxic masculinity, and Zuko longs to emulate it even after it has rejected and scarred him. In the episode, “The Storm,” which directly precedes “The Blue Spirit,” we see how Zuko failed to replicate masculinity’s demands. In a room of men, he disregards honorifics to speak out in the name of care and concern for people’s well-being over strategy. Though the war room was all men, we later see that The Fire Nation does not exclude women from participating in this form of toxic masculinity. (Shoutout to Azula, one of the best tragic villains of all time!) This gender parity prevents disgraced men, like Zuko, from retaining pride of place above women. So Zuko’s loving act and refusal to fight his father puts him at the lowest of the low in the social hierarchy of the Fire Nation, completely emasculated and unworthy of respect.
Since then, Zuko has been seeking to restore himself by imitating the unfeeling men of the war room and his unfeeling sister, barking orders and demands at his crew. The final redemptive act for this purpose, of course, is to capture the Avatar, who’s very being seems to counteract the violent masculinity at the heart of the Fire Nation. In most contemporary Euro-American understandings, Aang is by no means masculine. He’s openly affectionate, emotional, giggly, and supportive of everyone in his life, regardless of gender. He practices pacifism and vegetarianism, and his hobbies include dancing and jewelry-making. And, foremost, he has no interest in wielding power. (@rickthaniel has an awesome piece about Aang’s relationship to gender norms and feminism). 
In addition to the perceived femininity of Aang’s behavior, he’s equally aligned with immaturity. Aang’s childishness is emphasized in the title of the first episode, “The Boy in the Iceberg,” and then in the second episode when Zuko remarks, “you’re just a kid.” Aang, as a flying boy literally preserved against adulthood, also draws a comparison to another eternally boyish imp in the western canon: Peter Pan. This comparison becomes more explicit in “The Ember Island Players.” His theatrical parallel is a self-described “incurable trickster” played by a woman hoisted on wires mimicking theatrical productions of Peter Pan. The comparison draws together the conjunction of femininity and immaturity Aang represents to the Fire Nation.
When Zuko is offered friendship and affection by Aang, then, he faces a paradigm-shifting internal conflict. To choose this person, regardless of his spiritual status, as a “friend,” Zuko must relate himself to what he perceives as Aang’s femininity and immaturity, further demeaning himself in the eyes of his father and Fire Nation culture. The banished prince would need to submit to the softness for which he’s been abused and banished. This narrative of abuse and banishment for perceived effeminate qualities lends itself easily enough to parallels with a specific queer narrative, that of a young person kicked out of their house for their sexuality and/or gender deviance. 
I want to point out that Aang’s backstory, too, can be read through a queer lens. Although the genocide of the air nomads more explicitly parallels the experiences of victims to imperial and colonial violence, I can also see how the loss of culture, history, friends, and mentors for a young effiminate boy can evoke the experience of queer men after the AIDs pandemic and the government’s damning indifference. In fact, colonial violence and the enforcement of rigid gender roles have historically travelled hand-in-hand. Power structures at home echo the power structures of a government. Deviance from the dominant norms disrupt the rigid structures of the empire. Aang’s background highlights how cultures based in something besides hierarchy and dominance, whether they be queer cultures or indigenous societies, threaten the logic of imperialism, and thus become targets of reform, neglect, and aggression by the expanding empire and its citizens. Survivors are left, as Aang was, shuffling through the remnants, searching for some ravaged piece of history to cling to.
We begin the series, then, with two queer-coded boys, one a survivor of broad political violence, the other a survivor of more intimate domestic abuse, and both reeling from the ways the Fire Nation has stigmatized sensitivity. But the queer narrative extends beyond the tragic backstories toward possibility and hope. The concept of platonic love proposed here, though it does not manifest until later, is a prospect that will bring peace to the two boys' grief-stricken hearts and to the whole world.
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“Do you really think friendships can last more than one lifetime?”
“Do you really think friendships can last more than one lifetime?” Toph asks before the four members of the group hold hands. Since Toph previously mourned her friendless childhood, it’s easy to appreciate this line for its hopefulness regarding the four central members of the Gaang. They long to appreciate that they’re all connected. As touching as this is, the soul-mated ‘friendship’ concept is actually uniquely applicable to Aang and Zuko.
When does Toph ask the question specifically? It’s after hearing the story of Avatar Roku and Firelord Sozin: how their once intimate friendship fell apart; how Fire Lord Sozin began, undaunted, the genocidal attack on Airbenders. After recounting the tale, Aang, the reincarnation of Avatar Roku, excitedly explains to the group the moral that every person is capable of great good and evil. While that moral could easily be ascribed to many people in the series, the connective tissue is stretched directly to Zuko in a parallel storyline. Reading a secret history composed by his grandfather Sozin, Zuko discovers that he is not only the grandson of the empirical firelord but of Avatar Roku, as well. We see how the rift between the Sozin and Roku echoed down across history to separate the airbending culture from the fire nation, and, on a more human level, to separate Aang from Zuko. The two boys find themselves divided by their ancestors’ choices— and connected by Avatar Roku’s legacy. 
This is what takes their “friendship” from simply a matter of the character’s preferences to something fated, something unique from the other friendships. The rest of the found family is positioned as circumstantial in their relationship to Aang and one another. Yeah, it’d be cool if they were all connected in past and future lives, but the audience receives no indicators in the series that it’s necessarily true. Only faith holds them together, which allows room for an appreciation that your “found family” friendships might simply be the trusted people you discovered along the way. 
Zuko’s friendship is characterized differently. Both his struggle to befriend Aang and his eventual “friendship” are explicitly destined by the story of Roku and Sozin. After this episode, the series depends upon Zuko’s ability to mend the divide inside himself, which can only be done by mending the divide between him and Aang. Their inheritance symbolizes this dynamic exactly. As the reincarnation of Avatar Roku, Aang can be understood as the beneficiary of Avatar Roku’s wisdom (he should not, as many jokingly suggest, be considered as any kind of biological relation of Roku or Zuko).  Zuko, on the other hand, has inherited Roku’s genealogy in the Fire Nation. These two pieces of Roku must be brought together in order to revive Roku’s legacy of firebending founded on something besides aggression. 
In addition to making the ideals of Roku whole again, the two boys must tend to the broken “friendship” between the two men. As the Avatar and the Crown Prince of the Fire Nation, Aang and Zuko parallel Avatar Roku and Firelord Sozin precisely. The narrative of the latter pair places destiny precisely in the hands of the former. And since both Aang and Roku expressed the desire for “friendship,” it falls in the lap of the corresponding royal to give up their imperial dreams so they can gain something more peaceful and intimate. For Zuko, this now can only be accomplished when he heals the rift within himself. 
Importantly, both the previous friendship and the destined friendship between Zuko and Aang are between two men. The coming-of-age genre has proliferated the trope of homosociality (friendship between individuals of the same sex) and its eventual decline brought on by maturity and heterosexual romance. (Check out the beautiful and quick rundown of classic examples, from Anne of Green Gables to Dead Poet’s Society, made by @greetingsprophet ). The story of Avatar Roku and Firelord Sozin replicates this established narrative. 
We see them playing, sparring, and joking intimately with one another. The two as young adults were intimately connected, the series explains, “sharing many things including a birthday.” Eventually their intimacy is interrupted by their worldly responsibilities and the spectre of heterosexual romance on Roku’s part.
Now, It’s not a huge leap for one to wonder if Sozin longed for something stronger in their “friendship.” We see no female romantic interests for Sozin. Instead, he continues to demonstrate his platonic allegiance to Roku. When Roku prepares to leave for his Avatar training, Sozin walks into his room and gives him his crown prince headpiece, a gesture of unique devotion that positions his friendship above his politics (which harkens to Plato and EM Forster’s ideas about platonic love that I’ll discuss in Part 3). 
One might note, too, how the wedding between Roku and his childhood sweetheart provides the setting for the escalation of Sozin’s violence. “On wedding days,” Sozin writes, “we look to the future with optimism and joy. I had my own vision for a brighter future...” He then pulls Roku away from his bride for a personal conversation, briefly recapturing the earlier homosocial dynamic with his friend. Sozin describes his affection for their intertwined lives. Then he links their shared happiness to the current prosperity of the Fire Nation. He imagines the expansion of the Fire Nation, which would also expand on the relationship between him and Roku. But the Avatar refuses the offer and returns to his wife, insisting on the value of traditional boundaries (both the pact of marriage and the strict division of the four nations). The abandonment of the homosocial relationship by Roku sets the site for the unmitigated empirical ambitions of Sozin. One wonders how history might’ve been altered had the two men’s relationship been sanctified and upheld. How might’ve Roku persuaded Sozin in his empirical ambitions if he had remained in a closer relationship to his friend? In their final encounter, Sozin reacts vengefully to his former platonic love: he lets Roku die protecting the home the Avatar shared with his wife. Sozin’s choice solidifies the divide between them, and makes the grief he’s experienced since Roku left him into actual death.
Instead of Avatar Roku and Firelord Sozin finding a resolution, Aang and Zuko are ordained to reverse their friendship’s disintegration. Yes, they must heal the rift in the world created by the Fire Nation’s aggression, but Aang and Zuko must also reverse the tradition of lost homosociality within a culture of unrelenting machismo. Despite Avatar: the Last Airbender’s ties to the coming-of-age genre, the arc of Aang and Zuko’s “friendship” counters one of its most prominent tropes. “Some friendships are so strong they can transcend lifetimes,” Roku says, and it’s precisely this platonic ideal that draws Zuko and Aang towards one another in ways that are revolutionary both in their world and in the traditions of our’s. To come together, as two matured boys, to form an adult platonic love that can persist into adulthood.
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“And now we’re friends.”
Which brings us to the consummation of Aang and Zuko’s “friendship.” Having resolved their previous hostilities and having neutralized the outside forces that would rather them dead than together, Aang and Zuko can finally embrace and define their relationship as “friendship.” Now, if we look closely at Zuko’s expression, we’ll notice a pause, before he smiles and reiterates Aang’s comment. My initial response, with my zukaang shipping goggles on extra tightly, was that Zuko just got friend-zoned and was a little disappointed before accepting Aang’s friendship. When I took a step back, I considered that we are given this moment of reflection to recognize Zuko’s journey, his initial belligerent response to the idea of befriending the Avatar. When he accepts the term of ‘friend,’ he reveals the growth he’s undergone that’s brought peace to the world. With these two possibilities laid out, I want to offer that they might coexist. That the word ‘friend’ might feel to Zuko and the audience so small and limited and yet simultaneously powerful. The pause can hint at the importance of “friendship” and signal something more. This reading emboldens the queer concept of “friendship” that undergirds their relationship. That the hug that follows might be meant to define the depth of the platonic love that is at the very heart of the series.
Saving a hugging declaration of “friendship” for the announcement of peace in the series is quietly revolutionary. In the twentieth century, male characters could connect in battle, on competitive teams, and through crime. “In the war film, a soldier can hold his buddy — as long as his buddy is dying on the battlefield. In the western, Butch Cassidy can wash the Sundance Kid’s naked flesh — as long as it is wounded. In the boxing film, a trainer can rub the well-developed torso and sinewy back of his protege — as long as it is bruised. In the crime film, a mob lieutenant can embrace his boss like a lover — as long as he is riddled with bullets,” writes Kent Brintnall. Aang and Zuko’s hug starkly contrasts this kind of masculine intimacy. The show suggests that environments shaped by dominance, conflict, coercion, or harm, though seemingly productive in drawing people and especially men together, actually desecrate “friendships.” Only in a climate of humility, diplomacy, and peace can one make a true ‘friend.’
In situating the’ “friendship” between two matured males in a time of peace, the writers hearken back to older concepts of homosocial relationships in our fiction. As Hanya Yanagihara has described the Romantic concepts of friendship that pervaded fiction before the 1900s. In her book, A Little Life, Yanagihara renews this concept for the twenty-first century with a special appreciation for the queerness that one must accept in order for platonic love to thrive into adulthood. She writes, “Why wasn’t friendship as good as a relationship? Why wasn’t it even better? It was two people who remained together day after day bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified.” Aang and Zuko’s relationship, despite a history that would keep them apart, reclaims this kind of friendship. Their hearts, bound together by an empyrean platonic love, are protected from the political and familial loyalties that would otherwise embroil them. 
In addition to Yanagihara, another author that coats the word ‘friend’ with similar gravity and longing to Avatar is E.M. Forster, who braids platonic friendship in his writing with homoeroticism and political revolution. In Forster’s novel Maurice (originally written in 1914 but published posthumously in 1971 due to Britain’s criminalization of male homsexuality), the titular character asks a lower class male lover lying in bed with him,  “Did you ever dream you had a friend, Alec? Someone to last your whole life and you his? I suppose such a thing can’t happen outside of sleep.” The confession, tinged with grief and providence as it is, could easily reside in Aang’s first monologue to Zuko in “The Blue Spirit.”
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 Platonic love as a topic is at the heart of Maurice. Plato’s “Symposium,” from which the term platonic love derives, is even directly referenced in the book and connected with “the unspeakable vice of the Greeks”— slang for homosexual acts. For Forster, the sanction of platonic love, both the homosocial aspect and the latent homosexuality, reveals a culture’s liberation. “If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend,” Forster wrote in his essay “What I Believe,”, “I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.” This echoes a sentiment of philial love described by Plato. 
Rather than revolutionary ideals, for Forster friendships, and specifically friendships that disregard homophobia, provide the foundation for peace, equality, and democratic proliferation. When Aang and Zuko embrace, they are embodying this ideal.  Platonic love and the word “friend” have a history intertwined with queer romantic love, and, while I won’t argue that Avatar attempts to directly evoke this, I will suggest that the series consciously leaves room for this association. Now, the show certainly makes no attempt to imply anything romantic between Zuko and Aang within the timeline we witness (nor any same sex characters, which reflects cultural expectations in the 2000s). And for good reason, the age gap would be notably icky, to use the technical term. (You might note, however, that the show actually allows for crushes to extend upwardly across the same age gap, when Toph accidentally reveals her affection for Sokka to Suki in “The Serpent’s Pass.”) Despite connecting queer friendships to the history of ‘platonic love,’ Avatar provides two critiques to platonic love for audiences to absorb. One is the pederasty with which Plato defined his ultimate form of love in his Symposium. Fans rightfully comment on the age gap between Aang and Zuko as something preventative to shipping them together. And beyond the fact of their ages, Aang’s youthfulness is emphatic, as I remarked earlier. Aang and Zuko are prevented from consummating their platonic love until both are deemed mature in the last moments of the series. And even then, their relationship is directed toward future development rather than conclusion. Instead of cutting away, they are allowed to exit their scene together toward a speech about hope and peace. This stands in stark opposition to the permanence of Aang and Katara’s kiss. The platonic love in Avatar, the kind EM Forster cherishes, is relegated to adulthood as opposed to other kinds of boyish friendships. The conclusion of Avatar, at least for me, actually feels especially satisfying because it settles our characters in the “new era of love and peace.” It is a beginning, and it feels more expansive than the actions the characters choose to take in the episode. Even as our characters conclude three seasons of narrative tension as the sun sets and “The End” appears on the screen, it feels instead as if their stories can finally begin. The characters are allowed to simply exist for the first time. Yes, Aang and Katara or Zuko and Mai are allowed to embrace and kiss, but it’s because the pressures of empiricism have finally been banished. They are now allowed to try things and fail and make mistakes and explore. Things don’t feel rigid or permanent, whether that be one’s identity or one’s relationships.
Ideally, within the morality of the series (at least as it appears to us with no regard for whatever limits or self-censorship occurred due to its era of production and child-friendly requirements), “friends'' are maintained alongside romantic partnerships. Both Zuko and Aang’s separate romantic relationships blossom within the same episode that they declare their “friendship.” In fact, a vital plotline is the development of Zuko’s relationship with Aang’s romantic interest. While anyone in the fandom is well aware of the popular interpretation of romantic affection between Zuko and Katara because of their shared narrative, I have to point out that romantic feelings across the series are made extremely explicit through statements, blushes, and kisses. Zuko’s relationship with Katara can be better understood in the light of the coming-of-age counternarrative. While the love interest often serves as a catalyst for separation for a homosocial relationship, the friendly relationship with Aang’s love interest—seeking her forgiveness, respecting her power, calling on her support, etc—is vital for Zuko to ultimately create an environment of peace in which he and Aang can fulfill their destined “friendship.” In fact, we can look at Katara’s femininity as the most important device for manifesting Aang and Zuko’s eventual union. It’s her rage against misogyny that frees Aang from his iceberg, midwifing him into the world again after his arrested development, the complete opposite of a Wendy figure. It’s her arms that hold Aang in the pieta after his death in the Crossroads of Destiny, positioning her as a divine God-bearer. Afterwards, its her hands that resurrect Aang so that they together can fulfill his destiny. It will be these same hands with this same holy water that resurrect Zuko in the finale. Only through Katara’s decided blessing could Aang and Zuko proceed toward the fated reunion of their souls.
The importance of this critical relationship to femininity becomes relevant to a scene in “Emerald Island Players” that one might note as an outstanding moment of gay panic. Zuko and Aang, watching their counterparts on stage, cringe and shrink when, upon being saved by The Blue Spirit character in the play, Aang’s performer declares “My hero!” Instead of the assumption of homophobia, I wonder whether we might read Aang and Zuko’s responses as discomfort with the misogynistic heterosexual dynamics the declaration represents. Across the board, Avatar subverted the damsel in distress trope. There’s a-whole-nother essay to be written on all the ways it goes about this work, but the events in “The Blue Spirit” certainly speak to this subversion. It’s quite explicit that Zuko, after breaking Aang’s chains, is equally dependent on Aang for their escape. And, by the end of the actual episode, the savior role is reversed as Aang drags an unconscious Zuko away from certain death. To depict these events within the simplistic “damsel in distress” scenario, as The Ember Island Players do, positions Aang as a subordinately feminized colonial subject, denies him his agency, and depicts the relationship as something merely romantic, devoid of the equalizing platonic force that actually empowers them. The moment in the play is uncomfortable for Aang and Zuko because it makes Zuko the hero and Aang the helpless object. Aang is explicit about his embarrassment over his feminized and infantilized depiction in the play. And Zuko, newly reformed, is embarrassed to see, on one hand, his villainy throughout the play and, on the other hand, see how his character is positioned as made out as a savior to the person who has actually saved him.
At the heart of the series is not the idea of a chosen one or savior. Instead, we are saved by the ability for one person to see themselves in another person and to feel that same person equally understands their own soul. This is the ideal of platonic love. Platonic love between two matured boys—two boys with whose memories and bodies bare the scars of their queer sensitivities—is an essential part of the future of peace. Many fans have a sense of this, labeling the relationship as “brotp” and “platonic soulmates.” I simply encourage people to acknowledge that platonic love, especially in this context, is not a limit. There is no “no homo” joke here. When we remark on the platonic love between Zuko and Aang (and across media more generally) we are precisely making room for friendship, romance, and whatever else it could mean, whatever else it might become. While I find Legend of Korra lacking and in some ways detrimental to appreciating the original series, it’s finale interestingly parallels and extends this reading of platonic love in a sapphic vein. And most recently, She ra Princess of Power was able to even more explicitly realize these dynamics in the relationship between Adora and Catra. Let’s simply acknowledge that Aang and Zuko’s relationship blazed the trail: that peace, happiness, hope, and freedom could all hinge on a “friendship,” because a “friend” was never supposed to be set apart from or less than other kinds of relationships. For the ways it disregards gender, disregards individualism, disregards dominion, platonic love is the foundation of any meaningful relationship. And a meaningful relationship is the foundation for a more peaceful world.  *Author’s note: I’m just tired of sitting on this and trying to edit it. It’s not perfect. I don’t touch on all the symbolism and nuances in the show and in the character’s relationships. And this is not meant to negate any ships. It’s actually, quite the opposite. This is a show about growth and change and mistakes and complexity. Hopefully you can at least appreciate this angle even if you don’t vibe with every piece of analysis here. I just have no chill and need to put this out there so I can let my obsession cool down a bit. Enjoy <3
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trans-advice · 3 years
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I’ve been questioning my gender for years now, but I honestly don’t know what I am, or if I’m even trans. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing things for attention, but I don’t know.
I’ve never really minded binary terms, but if someone explicitly says that I am a girl/woman it makes me uncomfortable. I never have been comfortable in my own body, for a long time I figured that was because of my weight. It’s more than that though, I hate my breasts and natural curves because people will refer to me and perceive me as a woman. At the moment I identify as gender fluid because I don’t mind using she/her but I prefer they/them and more masculine terms like sir and mister.
It’s confusing. I know that I want a masculine body, but I don’t really mind having a pretty/“feminine” face. I know that I want to get top surgery but getting hormones scares me. I just don’t want my family to stop talking to me.
So firstly, I can't do much about your family, not only because I don't know much about them but also because they have their own lives. If you want to experiment with personal pronouns & such, then I recommend looking into online stuff, such as filling out pronoun preferences on like various video games or online accounts. Perhaps chat with people online giving only your preferred pronouns.
Secondly, if you do get top surgery, then that can affect your hormone levels. You need to talk to a doctot about hormones & such. Informed consent clinics would be a relatively good option, since they can tell you as much about the side effects as if currently possible.
Thirdly, to address the curves, I recommend talking about that with a doctor, because that topic can get real dangerous real quick, so you do need medical supervision to address that. (It doesn't have to be surgery or whatever, but anyway you do it, you need a doctor to supervise & check in with you.)
Now as for personal pronouns, personal pronouns are not directly connected to gender identity. There is a connection, but you're not compelled to have a certain identity if you have certain personal pronouns. For example, there are he/him lesbians & she/her gays (although sexual orientation is separate from gender identity). Like you can be a trans man with she/her pronouns & or they/them pronouns. You can be nonbinary with she/her pronouns. You can be a woman with they/them pronouns.
Preferring they/them & masculine titles, & not minding she/her, doesn't necessarily mean you're genderfluid into womanhood neccessarily. But this is based on what you wrote, and I don't know you beyond this ask, so that's up for you to decide, since it is your gender identity & you get to choose the description.
So the gist I have is that you're transmasculine, which is a term that includes both masculine gender identity & nonbinary gender identity. You like having a pretty face, and there are people with masculine gender identities with pretty faces too, so you're definitely not alone on that.
So to summarize:
medical transition: you need a doctor, regardless of what you decide to do, regardless of whether it is trans specific, etc. You should also visit an informed consent clinic to get information about hormones & top surgery, even if you don't want to get HRT.
social transition: you need to get together with people outside of your family, and advocate for the preferred pronouns you don't often have access to when you can.
legal transition: i do not know your jurisdiction's requirements. for USA this is a good resource: https://transequality.org/documents
Good Luck, Peace & Love,
Eve
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afinepricklypear · 3 years
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**Update: The works mentioned in this post have since been taken down. The “message” was removed by AO3 because it was a violation of their TOS and it seems the author chose to remove their “opinions” piece.**
Despite the ongoing world crisis, I hope everyone is doing great as the year comes to a close and prepping for a safe holiday season.
I don’t really post here a lot, but I just wanted to talk about a problem that exists in every fandom and has recently come up for me in the BSD fandom. This problem is typically referred to as: toxic behavior, however, I sort of hate that term because it’s an umbrella term that encapsulates a wide array of behaviors that is purposefully vague so as to imply everything can be toxic, which means the definition changes depending upon the person, and ends up getting thrown around to describe any behavior that a person dislikes. That said, most people can agree that the term ‘toxic behavior’ includes “shipper wars” and harassing people because of their “ship”.
Yesterday, a user on AO3 going by the penname E_C_arts posted a message titled “deer Soukoku fans” and giving it the not-innocuous summary “please we’re begging you, please stop”. Clicking through leads to a rather prime example of this particular flavor of toxic fandom behavior, guised as an attempt to defend those who were allegedly victims of this self-same behavior, also a lovely example of emotional manipulation.
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Although what’s currently posted (and what I managed to screen shot below) may not seem terrible on first glance, if not a little cringey, and can be easy to agree with (don’t bully people that write for a ship you dislike), this was not their original message and has been edited since being posted and, and only after receiving the number of comments it did and which they’re now noting as “proving their point” – a point which they erased, thus manipulating perceptions. I wish I had gotten a screenshot of the original, but if you scroll through the comments, you can find some people that quoted it.
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This person most definitely did open their “message” to Soukoku fans by literally telling them to “stop writing” for it. They claimed there was some unspecified AU (or maybe multiple unspecified AUs) that had been overwritten for, that it was overused, and not original. They went on to talk about how the abundance of soukoku content was turning off new fans to the series (don’t even know how that logics…) and bullying people from creating content for other ships, basing these irrational sentiments off some false claim that removing everything with the soukoku ship from the fandom would only leave behind a sad, inacccurate (and oddly specific) 305 posts.
Evidence of their now deleted perspective can be further seen in another post they made to AO3 a couple days before this ugly rant. Titled simply “My unpopular BSD opinions”, they didn’t manage to garner much attention and went mostly ignored because, well, it’s your opinions about the show and that’s whatever. Of course, when you click into it, the very first “opinion” shared, is that they hate Dazai x Chuuya. Okay, that’s an opinion everyone is entitled to, and that’s fine. You don’t like the popular ship, that’s…not exactly an unpopular opinion, there’s quite a number of people that don’t ship soukoku. No problem. Until, they go on to elaborate.
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Despite the title of this piece being ‘their opinions’, they state as ‘fact’ that its confirmed that this is “not a thing”, so ‘please stop shipping them it doesn’t work, it’s way too overused for it to be “funny” anymore’ (I’m a little confused about this wording, because Shipping is Serious Business™, so…not sure there are too many soukoku shippers doing it because they think it’s hilarious or whatnot, in fact, most soukoku fics are tagged ‘angst’, which we all know, angst is very ‘haha, lol’…but whatevs). They then include the same sentiment they expanded on in their Dear John to soukoku fans and subsequently deleted: “Please stop, there are too many au’s with almost the exact same plot Chuuya and Dazai being together, its really difficult to find any non-Dazai x Chuuya au’s”.
On the surface, once again, there are some “truths” to this sentiment. DaiChuu is a popular ship and there is a disproportionate amount of soukoku ship fics on the fandom comparative to other ships (soukoku comes in at a whopping 10,000+ currently, with the next popular ship Aku/Atsushi sitting at a decidedly less 2500+). It’s really not that difficult to find non-DazaixChuuya fics, if you know how to use filters on AO3, but there are going to be less to read from when you filter it down, and depending on your ship, you may find yourself in a fic desert, and I can certainly understand why someone young and lacking in rational thought processes might want to blame the popular ship for this predicament.
The problem with this logic, and it permeates every fandom, not just BSD, is that the shippers sharing and loving their ship are not to blame for your lack of ship content. You just don’t have a popular ship. If all the people who love soukoku stopped creating content for it, as this person is ‘begging’ them to do, that’s not going to increase the amount of content for your ships, because the reason that content isn’t being created is because there aren’t enough shippers for it. So, the only way this person’s logic works, is if what this person is actually saying, isn’t that they want these people to stop creating content for the BSD fandom, they just want them to jump ship, stop creating content for soukoku and start creating content for their ships.
Any creator/fan is going to have a visceral reaction to that: who the fuck are you to tell me what to create? And for free, no less!
This moves us more towards a clearer definition of what is toxic fandom behavior. In short, its telling anyone how they should interact with or interpret their favorite content. I mean, even Word of God does not have this power. That’s because every single fan in a fandom is an individual human being. They are possessed of their own autonomy, and as a creator I know, that once you put something out into the world and give it over to others, you have little control over how people consume and feel about your work. You can tell them your intention, but that’s not going to sway them to interpret it that way, and that’s…just the way it works.
Now, the elephant in the room needs to be addressed. It’s easy for me to be ‘offended’ by this person’s post and not see their complaints because I am a soukoku fan. I’m also the target of this person’s rant, and one of those people this person is attempting to emotionally manipulate into writing for other ships in the fandom for which I have no preference. But I am capable of seeing the other side of this argument.
First, because I do have other fandoms in which I am part, and for which I have a rare-pair ship. For example, I am a Gundam Wing fan and a 2x5 (Duo/WuFei) shipper. I’ve posted two 2x5 fics on fanfiction.net. While 2x5 is not the rarest of rarepairs in the Gundam Wing fandom, it is significantly eclipsed (as are almost *all* ships in the fandom) by the 1x2 (Heero/Duo) ship. Do I hate 1x2 shippers for my lack of 2x5 content? No. I just appreciate what I’ve got all the more, and I’ll create content for it when I feel compelled, and I sure the fuck won’t implore 1x2 shippers to stop writing for their fave and write more for mine because I want more 2x5 – that’s sheer entitlement, right there, pure and simple. I also ship 3xD (Trowa/Dorothy) in Gundam Wing, which *is* the rarest of rarepairs – I think there’s only, like, two stories in existence that features this pair on the entirety of the internet. I’m also a RavenxMurphy (Murven) shipper in The 100 fandom and I do not hate Bellarke fans because…those people are scary and have canceled the show’s creator for not delivering on Bellarke, and in BSD, I ship Atsushi/Lucy (yes, I said it, they’re cute af and I hope Asagiri delivers on that ship). I also low-key ship Yosano/Ranpo (sorry, Ranpo/Poe shippers, I understand the appeal, I just think him and Yosano is sooo cute, please don’t kill me…), and I also ship Yosano with Kunikida – all of which are some of the rarest in the BSD fandom.
Second, because I have seen and called out shipping harassment in the BSD fandom, so I am well aware that this kind of thing exists – as it exists literally everywhere and in every flavor. Against soukoku shippers from antis and by soukoku shippers against shippers putting Dazai or Chuuya with any other characters and by soukoku shippers against other soukoku shippers that are, uh, “doing it wrong”. None of these is appropriate. You’re not fighting fire with fire if you’re an anti-attacking the popular ship, you’re just creating a bigger fire and burning the entire fandom down. You’re not defending your ship if you are a soukoku fan attacking non-soukoku fans, you’re just punching down by attacking a less popular ship. And top/bottom arguments aren’t just toxic, they’re also deeply entrenched in fetishization of same sex pairings through a forced heteronormative lens and is, kind of, sort of, actually homophobic in its basis (yes, I said it. It’s ignorant and homophobic and trying to argue with ‘personality/physical traits’ as evidence of who serves what position in the bedroom can be emotionally and mentally damaging to members of the LGBTQ community. Claiming that Chuuya should be bottom because he’s shorter/smaller, or that Dazai has ‘bottom energy’ because he’s more flamboyant and ‘feminine’ is straight up discrimination – a shorter guy can definitely be top, and a manly man can be bottom, it’s not a behavior based on perceived gendered traits, it is just a fucking preferred sexual position, and no, you are not ‘fixing it’ by purposely using positions for these characters that eschews the stereotypes either. Trying to justify positioning by personality/physical traits at all, in any way, shape, or form is just not okay – if it’s your preference, it’s your preference, no justification needed, just recognize that it is *your* preference and arguing what’s ‘right/wrong’ positioning is just plain wrong).
But this brings us to a different issue: bad actors and blaming a whole community for a ‘few rotten apples’. I could easily lump this one person in with everyone that does not ship soukoku and deem them all toxic, aggressive, entitled, bullies attempting to harass soukoku shippers off the platform. Or I could see them for what they are, individuals with individual motivations and drives and morals that also happen to share the same shipping preferences. Is it true to say that there are no soukoku fans that engage in the behaviors described by E_C_arts? No, there are definitely those that do, as there are antis that engage in that same behavior against soukoku fans. But this person also asserts that soukoku fans turning ‘every BSD post about soukoku’ is also a toxic behavior. To which I refer you back to one. This is how they engage with and interpret the work. Don’t yuck on someone else’s yum. People want to gush about how cute they thought soukoku were in an official art, or that they felt there was some hidden (or not so hidden) interaction between them that validates their ship, or their inspired to create soukoku content based on it, so what (for the record, it irks me too when people go ‘see it’s canon and Bones totally ships it’, because it’s unlikely, given BSDs genre, that any romantic relationship will be confirmed, soukoku notwithstanding). It is not, in fact, toxic to gush over it. Let them have their fun with it, let them enjoy their ship. Now, if you go and make a comment about liking the art for other reasons and they reply to you about “…but also soukoku”, then still, that’s not toxic, that’s just them enjoying the content the way that they enjoy it, so let them enjoy it, and you opened yourself to engagement without any qualifiers for the type of engagement you were soliciting, you can’t then backtrack and go ‘but I’m not a soukoku shipper, they should’ve been able to read my mind and known that, it’s totally toxic of them to share their personal reasons for loving the show in response to my sharing my love for the show’. But if you comment about another ship, and they reply to you “…ew, gross! It’s 100% soukoku” then yes, that’s toxic. A lot of people fail to make this distinction, that they are, maybe, merely being triggered and not actually harassed, by feeling like their ship isn’t being validated because they see another ship all over the place and everyone they engage with ships it.
It’s also toxic, to take an experience with one person and hold every soukoku shipper in existence responsible for that one person’s inappropriate behavior. The truth is, that bad actors amongst soukoku fans are not unique, not to the ship and not to the fandom and not even to fandom culture in general. Every group in existence everywhere has bad actors in it that, while the group disavows their behavior, they continue to be held accountable for those individuals and judged by them. For current events, look at how the BLM movement has been blamed for bad actors (many of whom were not actually BLM activists) that took advantage of the protests and started riots and chaos. A small percentage of people were involved in these behaviors, but the entire movement, despite speaking out against rioting, continues to take the blame for it. For me, that’s the root of toxicity. We need to start holding individuals accountable and stop blaming people who have no control over those individuals, because they share a few similar beliefs or interests. That’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater. But the shippers as a whole are not to blame for the actions of a few, and the reason that it feels that there are so many more soukoku fans that do this is because of volume, there are so many more soukoku fans. It’s basic math. If two percent of fans are these toxic kinds of shippers, then there’s going to be so many more of them in a larger population than a smaller one.
I try to call out toxic behavior, no matter if it’s my ship being lambasted or one of my fellow shippers doing the lambasting, whenever I see it, but the trouble is, I don’t typically go into fan content that isn’t for my ship and, thus, I don’t see it. The same goes for the vast majority of soukoku fans out there. We’re here for soukoku content, we’re seeking out soukoku content, and avoiding what isn’t soukoku content. But here is my offer to all of those who are outside of my ship. I like to argue. If someone is harassing you for having a non-soukoku ship, call me, let me know, I will argue with them for you. I will explain to them in no uncertain terms, and in many unpleasant ways, that they do not represent the soukoku shipping community and they are an embarrassment to us. Content for any and all ships is welcomed and encouraged within the fandom. Write, draw, contribute, be a part of the fandom and express yourself, please. If you are a soukoku shipper (or even if you’re not), and someone is harassing you about your top/bottom preference, call me, let me know, I will argue with them for you. I will explain to them why their justifications for which character should be top or bottom in a same sex pairing is grossly misrepresentative and exploitative of the LGBTQ community and rather disgusting. Do not assume that because we seem to remain silent on these types of harassment that it’s because we are in agreement with them, it is only because we haven’t seen them – why would we, we’re not going in those spaces that weren’t created for us. Ask the community for help, don’t attack the rest of us for the poor actions of a few that we were not even aware of. Let us help you in policing them, rather than assuming we don’t care. We are just too busy staying in our lanes, but if you need us, we are here. Majority of us want a clean, friendly, welcoming community for creators of all types as much as you do.
All of this aside, there are spaces and places for these debates and AO3 is not it. Posting this kind of message is actually a violation of AO3 TOS, constituting as harassment, which is defined on the AO3 TOS as “…any behavior that produces a generally hostile environment for its target…”( https://archiveofourown.org/tos#IV.G.). This general behavior also falls into the realm of another kind of toxic fandom behavior: hijacking a platform/tag for your own purposes that is a direct contradiction to its express usage (otherwise, known as trolling). AO3 is for posting fan-made content that contributes to a deeper understanding and expansion upon the original work. Using AO3 to attack people who are using AO3 for exactly what it is designed to be used for is an abuse of the platform. It’s not okay and invites similar content that will ultimately interfere with the original purpose of the platform. AO3 is for fan content, not for your own personal rants about other people in the community, please keep it that way
I do also want to note, that this person choosing to edit their post after receiving the justified ire from fans (notably soukoku and non-soukoku fans alike upset by the audacity of this person, who, as far as can be told, has never themselves contributed fanfiction to the community, to tell people what they can and cannot write) for their original comments, is a form of manipulative abuse called ‘gaslighting’. They are now claiming to be a victim that “never said to stop writing”, despite that having been the literal words they used in the opening of their original post. They are now pointing at these comments as “proof” of their point that soukoku fans are aggressive bullies that attack without cause when there was definitely cause from the original comments. This person clearly has bigger issues than just lacking shipper content for their personal preferences on the BSD fandom.
To all of those who are afraid to share content for your ship because you think you’ll be harassed, as evidenced by this person’s claims, that is simply not true. While there might be one or two people that say something, we all get them no matter if you have a popular ship or a rarepair ship, haters are gonna hate – I’ve gotten my share of hateful comments towards my ships too, but there are many more people that share your ship and are interested in your content, in fact, some of them are starved for it. While having a rarepair might mean you’ll garner less interactions with your content, you have a better opportunity to form a deeper bond with the people that do interact, and they may be more appreciative, because what you’re delivering to them is so much harder to come by. The existence of one ship does not affect your ship’s popularity, and if it simply went away, that doesn’t mean that your ship would receive more attention – in fact, it might mean the show itself would receive less attention.
Create and let others create and use platforms for their appropriate purposes, and most importantly, when it comes to addressing toxic behavior in a fandom, look to yourself first. Are you placing the blame where it belongs? Are you addressing the root cause of the problem or swinging blindly and attacking innocent bystanders in the process? Will what you say actually help the problem? Or will it contribute to the issue, and maybe even create an issue that didn’t exist before?
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opbackgrounds · 4 years
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As many of you noticed, the other day I posted Part 1 in what has become a series on my thoughts on sexism in One Piece. If you are somehow seeing this post first, I would recommend clicking the link as I’ll be adding to the foundation I built there. 
I already had some pretty strong thoughts on this topic before receiving the original ask, but in the spirit of not wanting to sound like a douche academic integrity I decided to do a little cursory research into what other people meant when they said that One Piece is sexist. Here’s a collage of some of my favorite hot takes
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As much as I’m...confused? Unsurprised yet somehow disappointed?...I don’t want to mock or belittle the people who feel this way. I think one of the most dangerous things in our modern internet age is that discussions only get surface deep before they devolve into shouting matches, and when the other side is vilified as ignorant or immoral or whatever it only serves to divide people into groups that grow evermore hostile to one another as the shouting matches get louder. It’s a short jump from your opinions are stupid and bad to you are stupid and bad for having them and I really don’t want to go there. 
Tl; dr: I don’t care if you disagree with anything I’m about to say, but if you send me harassing messages please know that I will laugh at you for presuming to think that I care.
Dropping the S Bomb
So first things first, a couple definitions. Sexism is prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination against a certain gender, in this case women. Chauvinism is excessive or prejudiced support for one's own cause, group, or sex. Misogyny is dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.
I start with definitions, because there are an astounding number of people who misuse these terms when making arguments. When talking about things like character design, Oda’s typical hour-glass figure is leaning into a stereotype that leads to the objectification of (fictional) women. An argument could be made that One Piece is sexist in that way. 
But it’s not that cut and dry, and I am always of the opinion that context matters. I argued in my previous post that there would be a wider variety of female character designs if there were more women, and the exaggerated aesthetic of the series lends itself to the exaggerated busts and butts typical of One Piece ladies. 
There’s an interview that came out around the time Strong World was released that I think is helpful when talking about this sort of thing. 
I approached it thinking that since I’m drawing for a boys’ comic magazine, then it’s my job to make sure they enjoy what they’re reading. When you actually do become a professional you’ll start getting fan letters and other things and you’ll soon find that the overwhelming majority of them are from girls. Boys just aren’t the type to pick up a pen. (laughs) They don’t have things like stationary or stamps and they don’t think about going through the ‘grueling task’ of writing someone just to say, “That was cool.” Boys are a life form that enjoy something but won’t bother to tell you that they actually do.
So I learned that girls will flood you with their opinions and when I took at step back and looked at the world of manga, I realized that there are a lot of people out there that made me think, “This [author] is really just going along with the girls’ opinions.” And ultimately, if you’re considering those opinions as the ‘needs of the customer’ when you write the story, you’re just left with a girl’s manga. (laughs) It’s like, if you do that, you’re only writing to entertain girls, and that’s just wrong.
Oda writes for his target demographic, pre-teen and teenage boys. He doesn’t seem to care much for the opinions of his female audience, which again could be perceived as sexist.
And to an extent maybe it is, but I also think it’s smart. You only have to look at the mess that is the new Star Wars trilogy to see what happens when a storyteller tries to appease a fan base. The end result is that everyone goes home from the theatre miserable. 
Humanity has been telling stories since time immemorial. They’re so ingrained into into the collective psyche that we have developed certain metanarriatives, types, and archetypes that have in turn been refined and distilled and applied to certain types of stories meant for certain types of people. The “rules” for telling a “boy’s story” are different than the “rules” for telling a “girl’s story”, just like I would not expect a romance to be told in the same way as one of Shonen Jump’s battle manga.
Incidentally, this is part of the reason why I think many romances in shonen fall flat. Stories best suited for fighting, camaraderie, coming of age, and growing into the best version of yourself are forced to try to include tropes and story beats that just don’t fit, and the end result is often just...bad.  
And, yes, these rules are arbitrary. They can and do change. Just look at shonen battle manga of the 80s vs the titles that were popular when One Piece started in the 90s vs what’s running today. The fact that Oda maintained an audience for over two decades while writing for a demographic that ages out every few years is nothing short of incredible. He clearly has a pulse on what his audience wants while maintaining a clear vision for the direction he wants One Piece to go.
Nor is this an individual effort. Oda works with his assistants and editors when it comes to making these decisions. It’s impossible to say how much he’s been influenced by these other voices, both in the past and now, even if he is ultimately the person responsible for what does and does not get put to paper.
What’s more, society changes. What is considered sexist now would not be thought of as such a generation ago. Our descendants will shake their heads at all the crazy, backward, terrible things we think are normative, and that’s not even taking into consideration differences in culture that not only exist between generations, but nations. America is going to have different ideas of what is and isn’t appropriate behavior than Japan, which undoubtably influences Oda’s sense of humor, which in turn influences the sorts of gags he puts into his comic.
I want to walk a fine line here, because I think there are objective standards that people should be held to regarding sexism while also acknowledging that getting people to agree to those standards are is impossible. If people truly feel as strongly about Oda’s character design and fan service as they make it seem online, then by all means comment on it. It’s not going to change Oda’s mind, but maybe with increased awareness the next generation of storytellers will be better. 
At the same time, I think that the indignant masses need to take a deep, hard look at what they’re calling sexism. Are you really going to claim, as I’ve seen, that all fan service is sexist? Are you really going to say that Robin and Nami are weak characters because they don’t get fights? Are you really going to say that Oda’s the most sexist mangaka out there, using, Fairy Tale as an example of female characters done right?
Because if you are, you’re setting yourself up to be thought as just as vapid and uniformed as those who are only reading for tits and ass. There are legitimate criticisms to be had, but just because you don’t like a thing doesn’t mean it’s bad storytelling. Just because Oda puts something out there that you don’t approve of doesn’t make it sexist. Audiences need to be better at thinking critically about the media they consume and learn to look past the sensationalism of click bait articles to truly explore the issues at hand. 
This is getting long again, so I think I’m going to split this into another post where I’ll dive into some specific examples within the series itself. Once again, thank you for your time. I promise I’ll wrap this up soon and move onto other, hopefully more positive, things.    
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cascae · 3 years
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I wonder what would have happened if casca and guts swapped places?
oh oh oh  . . .   firstly the thought of casca,  though strong as she is,  trying to lead this giant looming bastard of a man thru endless nights and attacks from demons is killing me,  but i do think she’d find a way to manage it in her own way  (i’m taking them swapping spots mostly as swapping fates in the eclipse,  so hopefully i’m understanding right –– and i could also look at this from more of a casca coming in as the outside in the hawks vs guts... let’s split this up hehe i like this question!)
1.  simply swapping fates during the eclipse  ––   i.e.  guts wakes up with his mind essentially locked off from him  &  casca wakes alone.
in this scenario, i think there’s two potential ways this might have played out  ––  for casca, she’s very much the type to focus on the external world. she often avoids introspection and instead relies on the steadiness of others (namely griffith’s leadership and the tangible/simultaneously intangible nature of being with him, which she didn’t have to analyze because at the very least she was useful to him and therefore there was always a reason to be beside him that she could cling to – even if she wasn’t with him “as a woman” as she puts it, she was irreplaceable to his goals).
upon the betrayal by griffith + in this case guts’ loss of memory/selfhood, i think she’d hold a similar rage as guts does canonically.  however, historically, her experience with rage and hurt has her responding by rallying behind someone. even in the year prior to the eclipse when she herself is leading the hawks in griffith’s absence, she’s still actively working to rescue him and subsequently be close to him. this isn’t to speak to her ability to split off  ––  when it comes down to it, and this is also something we do see with her as acting leader of the hawks, casca can and will survive above all.  she can rally behind herself in moments,  but a lot of times we see her relying on others when it comes to emotions / even her own understanding of self.
so, all that said, i think more than guts might’ve, casca would be tempted to stay with guts in the cave.  i think she would have a hard time leaving him because her rage and hurt would be placed differently than his is.  so my first answer is that she would stay with him,  and eventually they’d probably leave the cave and much of the conviction arc would play out in terms of what is “fated”.
alternatively, let’s say first and foremost she’s just angry, rageful, and wants to get back at griffith for what he did (essentially all in the same way as guts).  if she were to leave, i think similarly to guts she would leave him behind.  which i say only because i think if she were to go on the same sort of crusade against demonkind that guts does canonically, she would have a similar line of thought in terms of bringing someone defenseless / who makes her ache w regret every time she looks at him would make for a harder journey. 
2.  still following the above,  but focusing in on what casca as “the black swordsman” would look like.
so assuming she follows the latter theory from above,  casca on her own would be so interesting ... i’m going along, still, with the idea that the ‘demonified’ child of guts & casca’s was born. in her more full aware state, she’d have a similar reaction as guts did in canon, and wouldn’t trust it completely to begin with, but following the sort of innate connection they have in that arc, if it were to carry over, i think she wouldn’t necessarily try to kill it or anything. which leads me to the view of the black swordsman.
in her travels, looking so small and less threatening than guts might, i think her reputation would be different. perhaps even she wouldn’t garner the title he does  ––  alternatively, like we see in the conviction arc in casca’s own storyline, she might better suit “the black witch” title she temporarily holds. if the child is following her like it does in canon as opposed to focusing its attention moreso on guts, then i think similar events as in conviction would occur where we see evil spirits literally dispelled by her / avoiding her, because of the child’s protection. so all in all it would be a different experience  ––  she would still be fighting and killing every demon she came into contact with to fight her way to griffith himself, but i think the perspective of her and some of her fighting styles would be different. she relies on agility & strategy more than guts does, mostly.  
regarding her journey itself, though her motives would be similar to guts’ they certainly wouldn’t be exact. the brunt of her anger towards griffith would be the fact he used her (guts has the right to be angry on this count as well, but i think a lot of his anger centers around both the personal betrayal and what griffith does to casca in front of him  ––  so in casca’s case, assuming the eclipse functions similarly to canon, she’d be furious that she was considered a “pawn” in terms of griffith’s plan but also in terms of griffith’s torturing of guts, that he assaults her to spite guts particularly, i don’t think that would go unnoticed entirely by her) and the fact that she was never anything more to him than a tool, with even less merit than guts (re: i’ve never heard him say “i want you” until he said it to you, etc.)
SO, long words all to say i think following her as the black swordsman post-eclipse would be so wildly interesting because she would hold also that sort of eternal frustration of “i ought to be _____ as a woman”, so there’s the added idea that if she were to leave guts behind, her guilt would be a lot around shouldn’t she have been the one to nurse him back to normalcy? shouldn’t she be playing maternal & kind & loving? but then she’s spurred on by her anger, the rage she feels towards griffith and his lack of care towards her. she had based her entire life on him needing her, and at least holding platonic affection for her. when that crumbles ... she’s pissed! she’s hurt, certainly, but she’s absolutely enraged.
3.  swapping moreso their origin stories, or at least their initial entrance into the band of the hawk.
i won’t go into the eclipse as much here, but just the dynamics and how they’d shift were the trio shuffled emotionally. say guts is griffith’s right hand prior to casca showing up out of the blue and besting some of griffith’s best men  ––  griffith ultimately engaging her in battle and generating his little obsession that he has for guts for casca instead. i think... well, number one, the dynamic between guts and casca would be interesting. i think the idea of a man being threatened by the sudden appearance of a woman who is skillfully better than him is fundamentally different and more aggressively charged than vice versa. guts’ frustration with casca would likely show itself differently than hers with his,  but i would imagine it would still end similarly with a slow burn romance should she be the one to save him on multiple occasions on the field. 
(minor cw for manipulation of a sexual nature in this paragraph) regarding her position with griffith, i can’t think of too much else to say because it would be essentially the same as what his relationship with guts is. i was going to say possibly more manipulative but i think that’s mostly because i think griffith has a tendency in canon to utilize sexual situations as power plays (i.e. with charlotte, and then nearly with casca first in the cart right before the eclipse). and i don’t think that path was necessarily closed with guts, but with casca & the assumption that the struggles she holds with her identity as a “woman” and what determines “usefulness” in that position carry over, it could be more prevalent. plus guts actively rejects griffith even jokingly in terms of flirtatious advances, whereas i think there’s a possibility casca would be swayed by that and ultimately be manipulated into perceiving her and griffith’s relationship to go far past friends or comrades, making his eventual betrayal cruel. in this case, i think casca would most assuredly take on the same route of black swordsman as guts does and leave guts behind initially to get revenge on griffith.
further than that, i think if this particular swap happened, griffith might have, instead of doing what he did during the eclipse to casca in order to spite guts, killed him in front of casca to garner the same reaction. or would have found another route to break the pair of them, which could mean that casca would be journeying on her own as opposed to with guts by her side after the fact. though i’m not sure frankly, it could go either way!
anywho, those are my thoughts, apologies for how long this got... i think it’s such an interesting question because the implications in terms of gender especially would be entirely shaken up. it would be interesting also to see the way in which she carried herself afterwards and if she would have a similar resolute persona, so to speak. thank you so much for asking this it was fun to try and work through :-]
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woman-loving · 4 years
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@eiriee replied to your post “@butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker replied to your post “I hate to say it, but...”
Do you have any posts on your thoughts regarding Bi: Notes? It's been on my shelf for years & I've read some of it but not finished.
I do, but they’re older and mostly rambling. The trouble I have with the book is that there’s so much content and framing that I disagree with that it’s hard to hold it all in my head and draw out a structured criticism for it. It’s been quite a while since I looked through it, but here are a couple of things I discussed in my older posts.
So, you know how some people will say that hostility toward women-loving women or woman-woman couples that’s expressed in the language of “lesbians” or “dykes” isn’t really about bi women? Eisner pulls a similar move to put bi women and biphobia at the center of harassment against WLW. They have a section on Sexual Violence in Chapter Four where they talk about men pressuring bi women (and also lesbians) to engage in threesomes or “perform bisexuality” by making out with other women. They then say (bolding mine):
At this point, some of you might be wondering why I consider these types of violence against bisexual women [men harassing women who make out in public, men asking if “they can watch,” etc] as biphobic rather than lesbophobic, since lesbians are often harassed in very similar ways to the ones I described. This is biphobia, however, rather than lesbophobia because this type of harassment is based on biphobic beliefs and perceptions even when they are aimed against lesbians. As explained throughout this chapter, the logic of this type of sexual violence is that bisexual women are “actually straight,” or only performing their bisexuality for male pleasure. When lesbians are harassed in the same way, they are first presumed to be bisexual, and then attached with the same biphobic notions used against bi women. What happens here is a combination of lesbophobia and biphobia: Lesbians first have their lesbian identity erased, and then are presumed to be “actually straight” as a result of being presumed as bisexual. Thus, biphobia constitutes the center here, and remains biphobia even when it is aimed at lesbians.
What we can see here is that this type of biphobia not only harms bisexual women, but also monosexual women, as it is also aimed against them. As explained above, lesbians often receive the same type of harassment as bisexual women when being affectionate or sexual in public. Heterosexual women are often also subject to pressure by strait men to perform bisexuality (privately or publicly) for their pleasure. In many communities (especially ones that consider themselves "alternative," "open," or "liberal"), performative bisexuality might be a standard that all women must meet. This means that in those communities, women are expected and pressured into being sexual with other women for the satisfaction of straight men. Although this mostly harms bisexual women (who are presumed to want this simply because they identify as bisexual), it also works against monosexual women.
What all of this means is that biphobia against women is not only the concern of bisexual women, but of all women regardless of their sexuality identity. [...]
This differs from the “misdirected lesbophobia” discourse, because they’re arguing that all women can be negatively affected by biphobia, and present this as a reason that people should take biphobia seriously. The people who argue that expressions of lesbophobia toward bi women are just “misdirected” are more often emphasizing a disconnect between the effect it has on bi women versus lesbians, and want to see this hostility as “really” only about lesbians (so that “dyke” as a politicized identity is the cultural property of lesbians exclusively). So Eisner’s not being as stingy with the centrality they claim for bisexual subjects in this type of harassment, but it’s still a shit move and denies a lot of ground to what can be considered “about” lesbians.
Ironically, I think Eisner and the “misdirected lesbophobia” camp talk about lesbophobia in a similar way, where the subject of “lesbophobia” must be understood--even by homophobes--as a woman who is exclusively attracted to women. The “misdirected lesbophobia” camp say that “a woman who is exclusively attracted to women” is what’s really on the homophobe’s mind when he calls a woman “dyke,” and therefore the insult can’t be about bi women, while Eisner presumes that a man harassing a woman to perform for him must believe that she’s genuinely open to men and therefore cannot really see her as a lesbian.
I think both sides misunderstand the slippages that occur when people see expressions of woman-women eroticism. I would argue that homophobia against women (which I would just call lesbophobia) often involves a denial that woman-woman eroticism is real/final, and that any women should be permitted to have sexual relations and identifications outside of particular heterosexualities. In other words, it’s possible for someone to know that there are women in the world who call themselves “lesbians” and claim to only like women, and to believe that this phenomenon is bad, without believing that “women who only like women” actually exist. If such a person argues that “lesbians” are just women who can’t get a man (an argument which presumes they want men), this is still a message about what self-identified “lesbians” are like, even though it totally dismisses their own understanding of their lesbianism. But going further, this message isn’t just “about” self-identified lesbians either, because it’s implicitly a message about all woman-woman eroticism and identifications, including bi women’s identity and desire toward women. Arguably, it’s even about women more broadly, in that it suggests that getting a man is a central preoccupation for women, and that perceived rebellious from women can be dismissed as a petulant reaction to failure in this area, rather than a reflection of agency and goals beyond patriarchal expectations.
In any case, it’s inaccurate to claim that this kind of harassment can’t really be “about” lesbians. Eisner’s logic isn’t consistent here, as you’ll notice. If a lesbian is treated as though she were open to men, they reason that actions toward her are reflective of attitudes about bi women specifically, not lesbians. But when a bi woman is treated as though she were “actually straight,” they don’t conclude that actions toward her must reflect attitudes toward straight women, not bi women or lesbians. There also isn’t an option for lesbians to be directly perceived as “actually straight,” even though this isn’t uncommon. Any suggestion that a lesbian might be open to men automatically moves the topic to bi women, meaning that there’s a whole huge area of lesbophobia that fundamentally has nothing to do with lesbians. (I think this move is cruel and outrageous, even if it’s a reversal of a move often used against bi women.) I also think they make the mistake of presuming that men only pressure women whom they think will be open to their advances. While the idea that women might eventually “like it” can be used as rationalization for this behavior, I think the behavior is rooted more in a simple lack of concern for women’s interests and boundaries, when men expect that they can get away with ignoring these.
Eisner makes similar moves in other places. Here they are talking about “lesbian” porn:
Following all of this, I think it would be more accurate to discuss “lesbian” porn in terms of bisexuality. If we follow from the sexual acts performed by the women appearing in these types of scenes, it would be very hard not to notice that bisexuality is here at work. The women in scenes titled lesbian have sex with each other, as well as with men. Even in scenes where no man is present at all, the logic behind the activity is still bisexual, since the women are perceived to be performing for a cis straight male audience.
These representations of bisexuality, in turn, contribute to the cultural construction of female bisexuality as we've seen it in the media depictions above. The media take up on the pornographic logic of bisexuality and send the same messages, but in covert ways. Thus, looking into pornographic representations of bisexual women might help us shed light on social and cultural treatment of female bisexuality in general.
Instead of recognizing the possibility for slippages in meaning, or that there can be inaccurate messages about lesbians as well as bi women (e.g. lesbian sexuality can also be regarded as a performance for men), Eisner finds in these representations an essential and exclusive bisexuality. Now, I do think that media representations of “lesbians” also inform attitudes toward bi women, that looking at them can be useful, and that representations of “lesbians” can simultaneously be representations of bisexuality. But I think it’s a silly exercise to claim that “lesbian” porn is only depicting bisexuality, as if the (fictionalized) dynamics depicted in media have their own independent and singular reality which can be empirically determined. Just a couple paragraphs above this, they obverse that “[t]he women's sexuality is irrelevant since the definitions are not about them but about the men fucking or watching them.” They should have gone a little bit farther with this idea, in my opinion!
While there are times when it makes sense, I think there can also be a danger in treating bisexuality as a singular expression, encompassing same-gender and man-woman relations, when these relations have very different positions in society. I think Eisner tends to treat bisexuality as a singular, marginalized expression that needs protection, including from gay people, in a way that can end up aligning with heterosexism. I don’t remember if this idea featured in their book, but they once made a post saying:
All gay and lesbian readings of mainstream movies and TV are based in bisexual erasure. Because in order to read characters as gay or lesbian, it is necessary to erase the character’s different-gender attraction and relationships.
It’s telling that they’re talking about “characters” having different-gender attraction, because of course these sexually-unmarked, mainstream “characters” are actually imagined, depicted, and normally received as straight. Eisner is again employing some weird media analysis where characters, even across individual imaginings (i.e. from the original creator’s depiction to a fan depiction), seem to have an independent reality. So interest in man-woman relations is an essential part of the character, always. Then, when you want to imagine that the character is interested is same-gender relations, you can only add that as an additional fact, thus making the character bisexual. And then, by becoming part of a (hypothetical) singular bisexual expression which is uniformly marginalized, canon man-woman relations now need protection against gay readings that would “erase” them. Even though these are actually straight characters in heteronormative media. The end result is that we’re meant to always uphold man-women relations as integral to a character’s (or anyone’s?) sexuality and identity.
In general, my impression when reading the book was that Eisner solely wants to look at identity or group belonging as the site of oppression, and doesn’t want to give any attention to the ways that man-woman relations themselves may be relatively valued, legitimized, and enforced over same-gender relations. I can understand the reluctance to look at those processes, since bi people’s potential engagement in man-woman arrangements is often used to deny their sexualities and the possibility that they could face any problems, or even an intensification of problems in some areas over lesbians or gay men. But these processes are still an important part of patriarchal gender systems, and need to be part of the analysis. I don’t have a good quote for it, but this one might suggest a bit of that line of thought: 
The idea of passing as an act of disguise presumes an essence of identity. Without a "true core," a disguise becomes impossible, for the very meaning of disguise comes from the discrepancy between what one "is" and what one is "seen" and "understood" to be. However, instead of being an essentialist notion, passing can subvert these presumptions by showing, in practice, that appearances--including one's very body--are no guarantee for the "truth" of one's identity. From this point of view, passing becomes particularly useful in demonstrating the way in which all identities and appearances are socially constructed, the way identities are written into our very bodies, and the enormous fragility of these constructs themselves.
In the case of bisexuality, we might look at society's insistent attempts to naturalize both homosexuality and heterosexuality, appealing to bodies, genes, hormones, and brains in order to establish that "this" (the sexuality in question) is inborn, natural, and immutable. Under this logic, one is either "born" gay or "born" straight, and thus any performance of their desires is "true to its nature." Being in a same-gender relationship presumes homosexuality, and being in a different-gender relationship presumes heterosexuality, because one's relationship choices are understood to reflect one's inner essence. Bisexuality— and bisexual passing—short-circuits this circular logic by showing that “acting gay” or “acting straight” does not necessarily equate with “being gay” or “being straight.” It allows us to distrust visual presentations and to deconstruct claims of inner essences. In this way, bisexuality may again be one way out of rigid identity constructs, a way of resisting both the lines of separation imposed by them and the hierarchies built upon them.
That’s nice, but you actually don’t need to imagine that same-gender acts stem from a different innate character in order to condemn them, or to institutionalize heterosexuality to the detriment of other pursuits. You don’t need naturalized concepts of essential heterosexuality and homosexuality in order to have a “hierarchy” among social arrangements and practices. In fact, ambiguity between subjects and the inability to finally “prove” that a person is one way or another can actually be beneficial to oppressive systems. When there’s ambiguity, more people can come under scrutiny and face demands to continuously prove themselves by conforming to gendered expectations or distancing themselves from marginalized subjects and practices.
That goes back to my original complaint that bi theorists focus too much on minority sexual discourses. Man-woman sexual relations and kinship can be institutionalized (while same-gender ones are stigmatized or denied) without any reference to “heterosexuality” as one of multiple sexual orientations. It does NOT need a corresponding “homosexuality.” The “gay-straight binary” is not a crucial linchpin within systems of gender. These discourses on sexual orientation do exist and do have more institutionalized backing now, so that more people are now forced to engage with them at some points. But I still don’t see them as really universal or fundamental to gender/patriarchy overall. I think the exclusive focus on discourses of “sexual orientation” leads to distorted analysis, because there’s just more going on in society.
There were just so many things they said that I objected to, and I really just don’t agree with their whole approach.
Although, I was originally complaining about another paper I was reading, which seems to be a Master’s thesis (although that’s hard to believe, because it’s so bad). It’s “The Bisexual To Be Corrected: Interrogating The Threat And Recuperation Of Women's Femme Bisexuality,” which can be found here. This was one part that I thought was especially... lackluster:
As several women I interviewed point out, heteropatriarchy needs people to be monosexual, or attracted to only one gender, in order to neatly hierarchize. It is rather difficult to maintain the disenfranchisement of a group if that group is incoherent, with its members presenting in different ways that shift, slip, and take on a variety of meanings. The notion that women can be attracted to men, women, and other genders simultaneously is a threat, because it points to the fact that perhaps masculinity and femininity, men and women, are not such polar opposites at all... and if men are not the powerful, aggressive, dominant opposites of women, why should they be at the top of the hierarchy? If masculinity is not the opposite of femininity, then perhaps all men are more intimately related to femininity than they would like to think. This line of thought destabilizes the patriarchal order, so monosexism and biphobia punish bisexuals for their attraction to multiple genders—and more specifically, for destabilizing the gender binary. Bisexuality must be erased, invisible, and invalid because it threatens core values of patriarchy that organize and define our culture. [...]
Again, this relies heavily on the idea that clarity between groups is necessary for hierarchy, and that ambiguity is automatically destabilizing rather than beneficial. (Like, not only does ambiguity extend the circulation of the power-effects of these discourses among more subjects, as Storr would say, but it also provides a measure of flexibility to the system: if you can’t condemn and/or recuperate something using one approach, you can try a contradictory approach.) Even beyond that, the idea that you need “facts” and “consistency” in your oppressive ideology is obviously baseless. The author’s understanding of heteropatriarchy is again focused only on categories of people, even though behavior itself can be regulated (and categorized), and everybody’s behavior is subject to regulation within systems of gender. While I think that gender dualism is very relevant to how bisexuality is understood, my thinking is more that bisexuality won’t be a non-issue until gender dualism is undermined, and less that the very existence of bisexuals inevitably results in the undermining of gender dualism. This paper also seems guided by the goal of uncovering intrinsic and maybe unilateral subversiveness in certain groups of people, and I’ve grown kinda w(e)ary of that.
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gatheringbones · 4 years
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[”On their 2017 album Ardor, Wattie, Mathieu Ball and drummer Louis-Alexandre Beauregard stretched three tracks to a total of 40 minutes of titanic drone-based compositions, finding beauty and grace within the harrowing and sometimes dissonant, abrasive space of doom and sludge. It felt a lot like a metal albums in many ways, if only because the sheer impact of it felt like a 100-foot crane freefalling into a busy street. A Gaze Among Them, the band’s fourth album, covers a similarly ambiguous stylistic terrain, but with a different approach. The heaviness remains, but there’s a more accessible melodic sensibility in a song such as “Muted Shifting of Space,” and an infectious kind of pulse in first single “Sibling.” When creating these songs, Wattie, Ball and drummer Loel Campbell took a step back to the original intent of how Big|Brave was conceived, and used that as a means of determining how to move forward.
“The question we posed to ourselves is ‘how do we make something interesting enough for the duration of a song that is one chord?’, basically,” she says. “Our original concepts were having to do with tension, space, minimalism, using the gear that we had, which still to this day isn’t very much. I think where we sit, no matter what we do, we can go in almost any direction because our sound is not very specific.
“If you just keep listening to one chord for—some of our songs are 10 minutes—without some kind of evolution like something Tony Conrad would do, it can be meditative but it can also be redundant,” she adds. “So it’s heavily focused on something that’s fundamentally interesting enough for us, if we can get behind it. And with melody, since I’m not a trained singer and I don’t know much about musical theory, finding a melody for one note for seven minutes can be pretty challenging.”
In previous interviews, Wattie has mentioned that understanding the literal meaning of her lyrics, or even the language itself, isn’t crucial to understanding the emotion behind it. That’s changed with Gaze, a record in which Wattie more closely magnifies the experience of navigating the world as a woman or non-male—the “gaze” in the title could refer to the male gaze, she says, and the songs tie more explicitly back to ideas of gender and power dynamics. “Muted Shifting of Space” finds her exploring spaces as occupied through a gendered lens (“I insert my body into these spaces“), and on “Holding Pattern,” she takes a critical view of allyship as something to be worn as a badge (“You take up their air…you make this about you“).
It’s not so much that A Gaze Among Them is a political album, though it could definitely be perceived as such. But Wattie addresses a more direct personal experience that was too important to leave veiled in metaphor.
“I’ve been mugged at gunpoint, I’ve had stalkers,” she says. “It’s just sort of like a nod to what it means to not be a man, and being the object of a man’s desire or interest. I work at a bar, and that’s a different dynamic than working table service. I’ve been working in the service industry for 18 years. When you’re behind the bar, you’re kind of on display, and people come to you for their liquor and beer, so the power dynamic is kind of shifted. People are getting drunk, you’re subject to different types of harassment, and I’ve gotten it all. And being ethnically ambiguous too? It’s a whole bunch of shit.”]
Navigating Space: A Conversation with Big Brave
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Taylor Swift: ‘I was literally about to break’
By: Laura Snapes for The Guardian Date: August 24th 2019
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Taylor Swift’s Nashville apartment is an Etsy fever dream, a 365-days-a-year Christmas shop, pure teenage girl id. You enter through a vestibule clad in blue velvet and covered in gilt frames bursting with fake flowers. The ceiling is painted like the night sky. Above a koi pond in the living area, a narrow staircase spirals six feet up towards a giant, pillow-lagged birdcage that probably has the best view in the city. Later, Swift will tell me she needs metaphors “to understand anything that happens to me”, and the birdcage defies you not to interpret it as a pointed comment on the contradictions of stardom.
Swift, wearing pale jeans and dip-dyed shirt, her sandy hair tied in a blue scrunchie, leads the way up the staircase to show me the view. The decor hasn’t changed since she bought this place in 2009, when she was 19. “All of these high rises are new since then,” she says, gesturing at the squat glass structures and cranes. Meanwhile her oven is still covered in stickers, more teenage diary than adult appliance.
Now 29, she has spent much of the past three years living quietly in London with her boyfriend, actor Joe Alwyn, making the penthouse a kind of time capsule, a monument to youthful naivety given an unlimited budget – the years when she sang about Romeo and Juliet and wore ballgowns to awards shows; before she moved to New York and honed her slick, self-mythologising pop.
It is mid-August. This is Swift’s first UK interview in more than three years, and she seems nervous: neither presidential nor goofy (her usual defaults), but quick with a tongue-out “ugh” of regret or frustration as she picks at her glittery purple nails. We climb down from the birdcage to sit by the pond, and when the conversation turns to 2016, the year the wheels came off for her, Swift stiffens as if driving over a mile of speed bumps. After a series of bruising public spats (with Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj) in 2015, there was a high-profile standoff with Kanye West. The news that she was in a relationship with actor Tom Hiddleston, which leaked soon after, was widely dismissed as a diversionary tactic. Meanwhile, Swift went to court to prosecute a sexual assault claim, and faced a furious backlash when she failed to endorse a candidate in the 2016 presidential election, allowing the alt-right to adopt her as their “Aryan princess”.
Her critics assumed she cared only about the bottom line. The reality, Swift says, is that she was totally broken. “Every domino fell,” she says bitterly. “It became really terrifying for anyone to even know where I was. And I felt completely incapable of doing or saying anything publicly, at all. Even about my music. I always said I wouldn’t talk about what was happening personally, because that was a personal time.” She won’t get into specifics. “I just need some things that are mine,” she despairs. “Just some things.”
A year later, in 2017, Swift released her album Reputation, half high-camp heel turn, drawing on hip-hop and vaudeville (the brilliantly hammy Look What You Made Me Do), half stunned appreciation that her nascent relationship with Alwyn had weathered the storm (the soft, sensual pop of songs Delicate and Dress).
Her new album, Lover, her seventh, was released yesterday. It’s much lighter than Reputation: Swift likens writing it to feeling like “I could take a full deep breath again”. Much of it is about Alwyn: the Galway Girl-ish track London Boy lists their favourite city haunts and her newfound appreciation of watching rugby in the pub with his uni mates; on the ruminative Afterglow, she asks him to forgive her anxious tendency to assume the worst.
While she has always written about relationships, they were either teenage fantasy or a postmortem on a high-profile breakup, with exes such as Jake Gyllenhaal and Harry Styles. But she and Alwyn have seldom been pictured together, and their relationship is the only other thing she won’t talk about. “I’ve learned that if I do, people think it’s up for discussion, and our relationship isn’t up for discussion,” she says, laughing after I attempt a stealthy angle. “If you and I were having a glass of wine right now, we’d be talking about it – but it’s just that it goes out into the world. That’s where the boundary is, and that’s where my life has become manageable. I really want to keep it feeling manageable.”
Instead, she has swapped personal disclosure for activism. Last August, Swift broke her political silence to endorse Democratic Tennessee candidate Phil Bredesen in the November 2018 senate race. Vote.org reported an unprecedented spike in voting registration after Swift’s Instagram post, while Donald Trump responded that he liked her music “about 25% less now”.
Meanwhile, her recent single You Need To Calm Down admonished homophobes and namechecked US LGBTQ rights organisation Glaad (which then saw increased donations). Swift filled her video with cameos from queer stars such as Ellen DeGeneres and Queen singer Adam Lambert, and capped it with a call to sign her petition in support of the Equality Act, which if passed would prohibit gender- and sexuality-based discrimination in the US. A video of Polish LGBTQ fans miming the track in defiance of their government’s homophobic agenda went viral. But Swift was accused of “queerbaiting” and bandwagon-jumping. You can see how she might find it hard to work out what, exactly, people want from her.
***
It was girlhood that made Swift a multimillionaire. When country music’s gatekeepers swore that housewives were the only women interested in the genre, she proved them wrong. Her self-titled debut marked the longest stay on the Billboard 200 by any album released in the decade. A potentially cloying image – corkscrew curls, lyrics thick on “daddy” and down-home values – were undercut by the fact she was evidently, endearingly, a bit of a freak, an unusual combination of intensity and artlessness. Also, she was really, really good at what she did, and not just for a teenager: her entirely self-written third album, 2010’s Speak Now, is unmatched in its devastatingly withering dismissals of awful men.
As a teenager, Swift was obsessed with VH1’s Behind The Music, the series devoted to the rise and fall of great musicians. She would forensically rewatch episodes, trying to pinpoint the moment a career went wrong. I ask her to imagine she’s watching the episode about herself and do the same thing: where was her misstep? “Oh my God,” she says, drawing a deep breath and letting her lips vibrate as she exhales. “I mean, that’s so depressing!” She thinks back and tries to deflect. “What I remember is that [the show] was always like, ‘Then we started fighting in the tour bus and then the drummer quit and the guitarist was like, “You’re not paying me enough.”’’’
But that’s not what she used to say. In interviews into her early 20s, Swift often observed that an artist fails when they lose their self-awareness, as if repeating the fact would work like an insurance against succumbing to the same fate. But did she make that mistake herself? She squeezes her nose and blows to clear a ringing in her ears before answering. “I definitely think that sometimes you don’t realise how you’re being perceived,” she says. “Pop music can feel like it’s The Hunger Games, and like we’re gladiators. And you can really lose focus of the fact that that’s how it feels because that’s how a lot of stan [fan] Twitter and tabloids and blogs make it seem – the overanalysing of everything makes it feel really intense.”
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She describes the way she burned bridges in 2016 as a kind of obliviousness. “I didn’t realise it was like a classic overthrow of someone in power – where you didn’t realise the whispers behind your back, you didn’t realise the chain reaction of events that was going to make everything fall apart at the exact, perfect time for it to fall apart.”
Here’s that chain reaction in full. With her 2014 album 1989 (the year she was born), Swift transcended country stardom, becoming as ubiquitous as Beyoncé. For the first time she vocally embraced feminism, something she had rejected in her teens; but, after a while, it seemed to amount to not much more than a lot of pictures of her hanging out with her “squad”, a bevy of supermodels, musicians and Lena Dunham. The squad very much did not include her former friend Katy Perry, whom Swift targeted in her song Bad Blood, as part of what seemed like a painfully overblown dispute about some backing dancers. Then, when Nicki Minaj tweeted that MTV’s 2015 Video Music awards had rewarded white women at the expense of women of colour, multiple-nominee Swift took it personally, responding: “Maybe one of the men took your slot.” For someone prone to talking about the haters, she quickly became her own worst enemy.
Her old adversary Kanye West resurfaced in February 2016. In 2009, West had invaded Swift’s stage at the MTV VMAs to protest against her victory over Beyoncé in the female video of the year category. It remains the peak of interest in Swift on Google Trends, and the conflict between them has become such a cornerstone of celebrity journalism that it’s hard to remember it lay dormant for nearly seven years – until West released his song Famous. “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex,” he rapped. “Why? I made that bitch famous.” The video depicted a Swift mannequin naked in bed with men including Trump.
Swift loudly condemned both; although she had discussed the track with West, she said she had never agreed to the “bitch” lyric or the video. West’s wife, Kim Kardashian, released a heavily edited clip that showed Swift at least agreeing to the “sex” line on the phone with West, if not the “bitch” part. Swift pleaded the technicality, but it made no difference: when Kardashian went on Twitter to describe her as a snake, the comparison stuck and the singer found herself very publicly “cancelled” – the incident taken as “proof” of Swift’s insincerity. So she went away.
Swift says she stopped trying to explain herself, even though she “definitely” could have. As she worked on Reputation, she was also writing “a think-piece a day that I knew I would never publish: the stuff I would say, and the different facets of the situation that nobody knew”. If she could exonerate herself, why didn’t she? She leans forward. “Here’s why,” she says conspiratorially. “Because when people are in a hate frenzy and they find something to mutually hate together, it bonds them. And anything you say is in an echo chamber of mockery.”
She compares that year to being hit by a tidal wave. “You can either stand there and let the wave crash into you, and you can try as hard as you can to fight something that’s more powerful and bigger than you,” she says. “Or you can dive under the water, hold your breath, wait for it to pass and while you’re down there, try to learn something. Why was I in that part of the ocean? There were clearly signs that said: Rip tide! Undertow! Don’t swim! There are no lifeguards!” She’s on a roll. “Why was I there? Why was I trusting people I trusted? Why was I letting people into my life the way I was letting them in? What was I doing that caused this?”
After the incident with Minaj, her critics started pointing out a narrative of “white victimhood” in Swift’s career. Speaking slowly and carefully, she says she came to understand “a lot about how my privilege allowed me to not have to learn about white privilege. I didn’t know about it as a kid, and that is privilege itself, you know? And that’s something that I’m still trying to educate myself on every day. How can I see where people are coming from, and understand the pain that comes with the history of our world?”
She also accepts some responsibility for her overexposure, and for some of the tabloid drama. If she didn’t wish a friend happy birthday on Instagram, there would be reports about severed friendships, even if they had celebrated together. “Because we didn’t post about it, it didn’t happen – and I realised I had done that,” she says. “I created an expectation that everything in my life that happened, people would see.”
But she also says she couldn’t win. “I’m kinda used to being gaslit by now,” she drawls wearily. “And I think it happens to women so often that, as we get older and see how the world works, we’re able to see through what is gaslighting. So I’m able to look at 1989 and go – KITTIES!” She breaks off as an assistant walks in with Swift’s three beloved cats, stars of her Instagram feed, back from the vet before they fly to England this week. Benjamin, Olivia and Meredith haughtily circle our feet (they are scared of the koi) as Swift resumes her train of thought, back to the release of 1989 and the subsequent fallout. “Oh my God, they were mad at me for smiling a lot and quote-unquote acting fake. And then they were mad at me that I was upset and bitter and kicking back.” The rules kept changing.
***
Swift’s new album comes with printed excerpts from her diaries. On 29 August 2016, she wrote in her girlish, bubble writing: “This summer is the apocalypse.” As the incident with West and Kardashian unfolded, she was preparing for her court case against radio DJ David Mueller, who was fired in 2013 after Swift reported him for putting his hand up her dress at a meet-and–greet event. He sued her for defamation; she countersued for sexual assault.
“Having dealt with a few of them, narcissists basically subscribe to a belief system that they should be able to do and say whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want to,” Swift says now, talking at full pelt. “And if we – as anyone else in the world, but specifically women – react to that, well, we’re not allowed to. We’re not allowed to have a reaction to their actions.”
In summer 2016 she was in legal depositions, practising her testimony. “You’re supposed to be really polite to everyone,” she says. But by the time she got to court in August 2017, “something snapped, I think”. She laughs. Her testimony was sharp and uncompromising. She refused to allow Mueller’s lawyers to blame her or her security guards; when asked if she could see the incident, Swift said no, because “my ass is in the back of my body”. It was a brilliant, rude defence.
“You’re supposed to behave yourself in court and say ‘rear end’,” she says with mock politesse. “The other lawyer was saying, ‘When did he touch your backside?’ And I was like, ‘ASS! Call it what it is!’” She claps between each word. But despite the acclaim for her testimony and eventual victory (she asked for one symbolic dollar), she still felt belittled. It was two months prior to the beginning of the #MeToo movement. “Even this case was literally twisted so hard that people were calling it the ‘butt-grab case’. They were saying I sued him because there’s this narrative that I want to sue everyone. That was one of the reasons why the summer was the apocalypse.”
She never wanted the assault to be made public. Have there been other instances she has dealt with privately? “Actually, no,” she says soberly. “I’m really lucky that it hadn’t happened to me before. But that was one of the reasons it was so traumatising. I just didn’t know that could happen. It was really brazen, in front of seven people.” She has since had security cameras installed at every meet-and-greet she does, deliberately pointed at her lower half. “If something happens again, we can prove it with video footage from every angle,” she says.
The allegations about Harvey Weinstein came out soon after she won her case. The film producer had asked her to write a song for the romantic comedy One Chance, which earned her second Golden Globe nomination. Weinstein also got her a supporting role in the 2014 sci-fi movie The Giver, and attended the launch party for 1989. But she says they were never alone together.
“He’d call my management and be like, ‘Does she have a song for this film?’ And I’d be like, ‘Here it is,’” she says dispassionately. “And then I’d be at the Golden Globes. I absolutely never hung out. And I would get a vibe – I would never vouch for him. I believe women who come forward, I believe victims who come forward, I believe men who come forward.” Swift inhales, flustered. She says Weinstein never propositioned her. “If you listen to the stories, he picked people who were vulnerable, in his opinion. It seemed like it was a power thing. So, to me, that doesn’t say anything – that I wasn’t in that situation.”
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Meanwhile, Donald Trump was more than nine months into his presidency, and still Swift had not taken a position. But the idea that a pop star could ever have impeded his path to the White House seemed increasingly naive. In hindsight, the demand that Swift speak up looks less about politics and more about her identity (white, rich, powerful) and a moralistic need for her to redeem herself – as if nobody else had ever acted on a vindictive instinct, or blundered publicly.
But she resisted what might have been an easy return to public favour. Although Reputation contained softer love songs, it was better known for its brittle, vengeful side (see This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things). She describes that side of the album now as a “bit of a persona”, and its hip-hop-influenced production as “a complete defence mechanism”. Personally, I thought she had never been more relatable, trashing the contract of pious relatability that traps young women in the public eye.
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It was the assault trial, and watching the rights of LGBTQ friends be eroded, that finally politicised her, Swift says. “The things that happen to you in your life are what develop your political opinions. I was living in this Obama eight-year paradise of, you go, you cast your vote, the person you vote for wins, everyone’s happy!” she says. “This whole thing, the last three, four years, it completely blindsided a lot of us, me included.”
She recently said she was “dismayed” when a friend pointed out that her position on gay rights wasn’t obvious (what if she had a gay son, he asked), hence this summer’s course correction with the single You Need To Calm Down (“You’re comin’ at my friends like a missile/Why are you mad?/When you could be GLAAD?”). Didn’t she feel equally dismayed that her politics weren’t clear? “I did,” she insists, “and I hate to admit this, but I felt that I wasn’t educated enough on it. Because I hadn’t actively tried to learn about politics in a way that I felt was necessary for me, making statements that go out to hundreds of millions of people.”
She explains her inner conflict. “I come from country music. The number one thing they absolutely drill into you as a country artist, and you can ask any other country artist this, is ‘Don’t be like the Dixie Chicks!’” In 2003, the Texan country trio denounced the Iraq war, saying they were “ashamed” to share a home state with George W Bush. There was a boycott, and an event where a bulldozer crushed their CDs. “I watched country music snuff that candle out. The most amazing group we had, just because they talked about politics. And they were getting death threats. They were made such an example that basically every country artist that came after that, every label tells you, ‘Just do not get involved, no matter what.’
“And then, you know, if there was a time for me to get involved…” Swift pauses. “The worst part of the timing of what happened in 2016 was I felt completely voiceless. I just felt like, oh God, who would want me? Honestly.” She would otherwise have endorsed Hillary Clinton? “Of course,” she says sincerely. “I just felt completely, ugh, just useless. And maybe even like a hindrance.”
I suggest that, thinking selfishly, her coming out for Clinton might have made people like her. “I wasn’t thinking like that,” she stresses. “I was just trying to protect my mental health – not read the news very much, go cast my vote, tell people to vote. I just knew what I could handle and I knew what I couldn’t. I was literally about to break. For a while.” Did she seek therapy? “That stuff I just really wanna keep personal, if that’s OK,” she says.
She resists blaming anyone else for her political silence. Her emergence as a Democrat came after she left Big Machine, the label she signed to at 15. (They are now at loggerheads after label head Scott Borchetta sold the company, and the rights to Swift’s first six albums, to Kanye West’s manager, Scooter Braun.) Had Borchetta ever advised her against speaking out? She exhales. “It was just me and my life, and also doing a lot of self-reflection about how I did feel really remorseful for not saying anything. I wanted to try and help in any way that I could, the next time I got a chance. I didn’t help, I didn’t feel capable of it – and as soon as I can, I’m going to.”
Swift was once known for throwing extravagant 4 July parties at her Rhode Island mansion. The Instagram posts from these star-studded events – at which guests wore matching stars-and-stripes bikinis and onesies – probably supported a significant chunk of the celebrity news industry GDP. But in 2017, they stopped. “The horror!” wrote Cosmopolitan, citing “reasons that remain a mystery” for their disappearance. It wasn’t “squad” strife or the unavailability of matching cozzies that brought the parties to an end, but Swift’s disillusionment with her country, she says.
There is a smart song about this on the new album – the track that should have been the first single, instead of the cartoonish ME!. Miss Americana And The Heartbreak Prince is a forlorn, gothic ballad in the vein of Lana Del Rey that uses high-school imagery to dismantle American nationalism: “The whole school is rolling fake dice/You play stupid games/You win stupid prizes,” she sings with disdain. “Boys will be boys then/Where are the wise men?”
As an ambitious 11-year-old, she worked out that singing the national anthem at sports games was the quickest way to get in front of a large audience. When did she start feeling conflicted about what America stands for? She gives another emphatic ugh. “It was the fact that all the dirtiest tricks in the book were used and it worked,” she says. “The thing I can’t get over right now is gaslighting the American public into being like” – she adopts a sanctimonious tone – “‘If you hate the president, you hate America.’ We’re a democracy – at least, we’re supposed to be – where you’re allowed to disagree, dissent, debate.” She doesn’t use Trump’s name. “I really think that he thinks this is an autocracy.”
As we speak, Tennessee lawmakers are trying to impose a near-total ban on abortion. Swift has staunchly defended her “Tennessee values” in recent months. What’s her position? “I mean, obviously, I’m pro-choice, and I just can’t believe this is happening,” she says. She looks close to tears. “I can’t believe we’re here. It’s really shocking and awful. And I just wanna do everything I can for 2020. I wanna figure out exactly how I can help, what are the most effective ways to help. ’Cause this is just…” She sighs again. “This is not it.”
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It is easy to forget that the point of all this is that a teenage Taylor Swiftwanted to write love songs. Nemeses and negativity are now so entrenched in her public persona that it’s hard to know how she can get back to that, though she seems to want to. At the end of Daylight, the new album’s dreamy final song, there’s a spoken-word section: “I want to be defined by the things that I love,” she says as the music fades. “Not the things that I hate, not the things I’m afraid of, the things that haunt me in the middle of the night.” As well as the songs written for Alwyn, there is one for her mother, who recently experienced a cancer relapse: “You make the best of a bad deal/I just pretend it isn’t real,” Swift sings, backed by the Dixie Chicks.
How does writing about her personal life work if she’s setting clearer boundaries? “It actually made me feel more free,” she says. “I’ve always had this habit of never really going into detail about exactly what situation inspired what thing, but even more so now.” This is only half true: in the past, Swift wasn’t shy of a level of detail that invited fans to figure out specific truths about her relationships. And when I tell her that Lover feels a more emotionally guarded album, she bristles. “I know the difference between making art and living your life like a reality star,” she says. “And then even if it’s hard for other people to grasp, my definition is really clear.”
Even so, Swift begins Lover by addressing an adversary, opening with a song called I Forgot That You Existed (“it isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference”), presumably aimed at Kanye West, a track that slightly defeats its premise by existing. But it sweeps aside old dramas to confront Swift’s real nemesis, herself. “I never grew up/It’s getting so old,” she laments on The Archer.
She has had to learn not to pre-empt disaster, nor to run from it. Her life has been defined by relationships, friendships and business relationships that started and ended very publicly (though she and Perry are friends again). At the same time, the rules around celebrity engagement have evolved beyond recognition in her 15 years of fame. Rather than trying to adapt to them, she’s now asking herself: “How do you learn to maintain? How do you learn not to have these phantom disasters in your head that you play out, and how do you stop yourself from sabotage – because the panic mechanism in your brain is telling you that something must go wrong.” For her, this is what growing up is. “You can’t just make cut-and-dry decisions in life. A lot of things are a negotiation and a grey area and a dance of how to figure it out.”
And so this time, Swift is sticking around. In December she will turn 30, marking the point after which more than half her life will have been lived in public. She’ll start her new decade with a stronger self-preservationist streak, and a looser grip (as well as a cameo in Cats). “You can’t micromanage life, it turns out,” she says, drily.
When Swift finally answered my question about the moment she would choose in the VH1 Behind The Music episode about herself, the one where her career turned, she said she hoped it wouldn’t focus on her “apocalypse” summer of 2016. “Maybe this is wishful thinking,” she said, “but I’d like to think it would be in a couple of years.” It’s funny to hear her hope that the worst is still to come while sitting in her fairytale living room, the cats pacing: a pragmatist at odds with her romantic monument to teenage dreams. But it sounds something like perspective.
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