#like i was just a shit. i was just annoying and unkind. and then we both moved on and i'm better now and i assume she's ok. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mod2amaryllis · 1 month

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who else haunted by an apology you never got the chance to make???? 🤪🤪🤪

#this isn't too serious this is about my college roommate #i was awful and i think about it all the time and wish i could send her a pizza and say any resentment is justified i'm so sorry #but i don't keep track of people. i don't know her last name i don't know how to contact her or if she'd even want that #i just think about it constantly for some fucking reason #if you're out there....man i'm sorry i didn't try harder to be friends i was 19 and at my absolute worst #I'm sorry about the illegal rat cage i never cleaned #literally i wish i could pay you reparations you wouldn't have to say a word to me just receive 'you didn't deserve that' + 50 usd #i think part of why this particular memory is so persistent- and has been for years like it constantly comes up when i'm tired-#is because the stakes are relatively low #like i was just a shit. i was just annoying and unkind. and then we both moved on and i'm better now and i assume she's ok.#the scope of it is just small enough.... like a burr. in my brain.#I'm hoping if i throw this into the ether i won't think about it as much lol #m2a

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tarjapearce · 8 months

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hello! What's up, I've seen your content and I'm fascinated, I want to make a request for Miguel x pregnant reader, where they both give birth at home and he helps the reader, I hope it's not weird or crazy, I'm waiting for your response, thanks. 😅❤

Hello c: Glad you like it here so far. Apologies for the delay

You were sent home, again.

Neither the doctors and the baby wanted to cooperate. It was quite frustrating cause unless you had your child's head popping out, they wouldn't help you.

Miguel was as equally as frustrated. Your pregnancy was far from easy, a couple of scares here and then had you and Miguel rushing to the ER at 4 am. Always with the same results. Nothing.

Sighing, you sat in the bathtub, warm water caressing your skin after that fruitless and stressing situation at the hospital. You just decided to take a bath as sweating started to get really annoying.

Your legs stood, and you felt a rush of liquid running down them. Your eyes darted to yellowish sort of liquid that was mixed with the clear water. Contractions that had disappeared a couple of hours ago, returned on full force.

"F-Fuck!!" You groaned and held on the edges of the tub.

"Miguel!!" You yelled, breathing through your nose and holding your belly.

Heavy steps rushed towards you, your hands flailed to grab his.

"¿Qué tienes?" (What's wrong?)

"The baby!"

"What about it?"

You squeezed his hand with a grunt

"It's coming!!" You breathed once more, alternating in between groans and gasps.

"We gotta go to-"

"You kidding me right now?! Shit!!!"

Your hand squeezed tighter and Miguel groaned as you held your belly. His eyes went wide as the water turned murky, orangey like.

"Let's breath okay?" You followed his exercises, legs trembling as they separated

"What... What are you doing?" Miguel frowned

"Having a baby. I can't -" You grunted and exhaled shakily

"I can't go to the hospital" You yelped and prepared to push. His lips went shut at your words but exhaled and focused to help you.

"Okay. Okay. Just keep breathing, ok?"

"I can do this"

"Damn right you can." His hands immediately went to your lower back and rubbed it in circles. His heart pounded in his chest, a flurry of unkind thoughts crossed his mind, but you pushing as your legs spreaded more, snapped him out of his thoughts.

You groaned and pushed.

"Oh my god!" You whimpered as the baby head peeked out.

"C'mon cariño, is pushing through!"

Miguel called the 911, with his free hand as you kept in labor. He followed instructions through. Desinfected his hands, and helped you to give birth.

When the medical staff arrived, you were still in the bathtub, sweaty, surrounded with murky and bloody water, but with a healthy baby in your hands.

His hand surely ached. But he was glad that at least everything went fine.

#miguel o'hara #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara x you #atsv miguel #t writes✨#spiderman 2099 x reader

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sugawarassoulmate · 1 year

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someone else tries to get with them

feat loser!kuroo, enemies to lovers!kita, and toxic!oikawa

part 1

cw: fem!reader

loser!kuroo

kuroo's body tensed the second one of them came close to him. he always hates these events — spending hours fake laughing at awful jokes to get on the good side of investors. his only joy is when you tag along, keeping prying eyes at bay.

but kuroo's found himself cornered by three women, all the much-too-young wives of some of his colleagues who were all taken with the handsome ceo.

"this suit looks amazing on you," one of them said. kuroo wanted to tell her that his wife picked out his outfit but before he could answer, another chimed in. "you just fill it up so well, have you been working out?"

his eyes flick over across the room, where you're standing with a quirked brow. you've calmed down a lot since marriage and don't explode with anger every time another woman so much as breaths near kuroo anymore. instead, you took a sip from your wine glass and gave him a look that said, "figure it out."

"can we get you a drink?" one of the other women asks as kuroo feels another pulling on his bicep. did they not see the wedding band on his finger? did none of them notice him walking into the room with you on his arm?

he starts sweating, eyes darting back to you and then the women. kuroo's so used to you taking charge and staking your claim on him but he can't allow you to be disrespected like this.

as one of the women tries to pull him in again, kuroo fights out of her grasp. "i'm married!!!" he blurted out, startling not only the women but a few people that were nearby. embarrassed that he raised his voice, kuroo cleared his throat. "sorry for yelling but i don't think it's appropriate for us to talk like this. i love my wife very much. have a good night."

kuroo makes his way toward you, a smug grin on your face. "so, you into ugly girls or something?"

"baby, please," he whines.

enemies to lovers!kita

you may have found kita absolutely insufferable but most people found him a joy to be around. he was kind and respectful to others. the kind of person that helps others without asking or walks old ladies across the street. it seemed as though kita didn't have an unkind word to say about anyone, except for you.

because of his benevolence, most people wanted to be around him. girls threw themselves at him, knowing that he'd be the type to spoil his significant other. that wasn't the annoying part — because you definitely didn't care about some dumb bimbo trying to get his attention. it was the older women who tried to set kita up with their daughters that irked you the most.

"you know, i have a daughter your age that you'd just be perfect for," or "do you have a girlfriend? my niece could really use a sweet boy like you, can i give her your number?"

even after explaining that he was too focused on his studies and helping his grandma with the farm to even think about dating, these women wouldn't take no for an answer.

"can you tell whoever's blowing up your phone to cut the shit?" you complained, growing tired of the constant buzzing.

kita rolls his eyes at your foul language. he doesn't bother looking at his phone as the two of you lock up the club room for the night. "one of my grandma's friends gave my number to her daughter and she keeps tryin' to set up a date," he says, bored expression never leaving his face.

"you're that down bad that you need your grandma's buddies to get a date?" you scoffed, trying to hide the fact that it may bother you just a little bit that there are so many people trying to get kita's attention.

perceptive as ever, kita catches onto your catty attitude. "she probably won't stop until i say yes to a date," he says nonchalantly, walking back onto campus.

he's only getting a rise out of you. what little free time kita has left from all of his other responsibilities goes to you—both of you know it's true, there's no reason to argue. still, you'd just die if you couldn't make a comment at his expense. "i mean if, sure, you're into ugly girls. this girl can't get a date on her own?" you rambled, stomping beside kita as you head back to your apartment. "but don't let me stop you. i know how much you love doing charity work."

"i won't go if you don't want me to," kita hums, holding the door open for you (1. because he's a gentleman, 2. because he knows it pisses you off.)

"i don't care what you do," you said back to him in a similar mocking tone.

that weekend, though, kita is at your place, where he usually spends most of his weekends. "your date was that bad, huh?" you said as soon as you open the door for him.

"i told her it wouldn't work out and deleted her number," kita answers, carefully removing his shoes and placing them neatly by your door. "i only have time fer important things." he makes direct eye contact when he says it before brushing past you to head to your bedroom.

kita's words stump you for a second, trying to figure out what he meant but soon, his irritating voice comes back, scolding you to hurry back and any thought you had before is forgotten as an insult leaves your lips.

toxic!oikawa

you felt terrible for being late. punctuality was something you always prided yourself on but your boss seemed to think differently, keeping you in the office for hours.

normally, you'd suck it up and accept that you had a shit day at work but you and oikawa had a date planned — one that took ages for both of you to set up.

the image of oikawa sitting at the restaurant alone broke your heart, so you practically raced over there, barely having time to change out of your work clothes.

"i'm so sorry, babe. my boss is such a dick and then the trains were slow—" you rambled as soon as you sat down, immediately asking for your boyfriend's forgiveness

"hey, slow down! it's okay, honey," he said, pushing a glass of wine across the table for you. "i know you didn't mean to be late. you're here now, that's what matters. i already ordered for the two of us."

he had every right to lay into you tonight. this was the perfect opportunity for him to be at his most dramatic, to really make you feel guilty for being late but he acted with a maturity you weren't used to seeing.

"i still feel bad that you were sitting here all by yourself," you said, reaching over to hold his hand.

oikawa shrugged. "well, i wasn't totally alone. our waitress kept me company while i waited."

you hate to say that the second he said "waitress" the alarm bells started ringing in your head. a handsome, young man like oikawa sitting alone in a fancy restaurant is like food on a silver platter for some of these vultures.

and you could only imagine how charming he must have been when the waitress comforted him about being by himself—smiling at her jokes and staring up at her with those warm brown eyes of his, completely unaware of that she would take it as an invitation.

you tried to swallow the bitterness down, not wanting to put a sour note on the night. you opened your mouth to speak but a grating sound stopped you.

"ohhhh, how good of you to finally show," said the high-pitched voice, dripping with faux concern. "i was worried you might have stood this poor man up."

oikawa laughs at the unfunny joke, clearly finding all of this amusing and she practically sparkles at the slightest hint of his approval. "i don't know how you'd ever let him out of your sight. any girl would just love to snatch him right up,'

his eyes glance over at you, ready to see how you'll react. oikawa just loves it when you get territorial of him and even though you've gotten better over the years, there's still that part of you that's always ready to claw someone's eyes out for thinking they could stake their claim on him.

"you're right, any girl would. in fact, many have tried and they've all failed," you smiled up at her, gripping oikawa's hand harder so she would have to take notice of it. "now be a dear and have our food ready soon, okay? i want to spend some time with my boyfriend."

with her tail between her legs, the waitress scurries from the table, muttering something about the food. oikawa laughs again, pressing a quick kiss to your knuckles. "my mean baby, you know you don't have anything to worry about, yeah?"

of course, you knew. you wouldn't be with oikawa if you didn't trust him but any girl who had the slightest inkling that she could lead your man astray had to be humbled—and oikawa would be lying if he didn't enjoy the possessive look you get in your eye.

"let's enjoy our dinner, babe."

#haikyuu x reader #haikyu x reader #kuroo x reader #oikawa x reader #kita x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyu headcanons #loser!kuroo #enemies to lovers!kita #toxic!oikawa #🥀#🥀kuroo #🥀kita #🥀oikawa

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mommalosthermind · 5 months

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So I'm slowly starting to come to understand that we shouldn't censor things but also I'm still a little uncomfortable with the site allowing things like pedophilia to be written in a way that's romanticized. I get it. Avoid it since I don't like it but at what point do we say, 'hmm this isn't okay.' I mean I get it, fiction doesn't hurt people but if that were truly the case then why are we lobbying for rep/realism/etc in media? Fiction, at some point, has to have some effect on real life.

Hello darling! I got your second ask too, please don’t worry, you’re definitely not coming across as unkind.

And you’re definitely not the only one to have similar thoughts or concerns.

But my answer’s going to be the same.

There is no such thing as a little censorship, and opening that particular can of pringles is not going to end happily for anyone. It’s better to not open it at all. And yes, that means people will create deeply fucked up things. But they should have the ability to do so, just like you should have the ability to avoid the hell out of it.

(Which, for AO3, is where I start in on my tag your shit appropriately/read the fucking tags!!! Rants. Learned the hard way a million years ago when I *thought* I was reading something very very different than I was, so when I got to ‘Character has sex with a dog’ I lost my mind, then realized I fucked up and hadn’t read the tags. If I had, I would have noped out of that fic immediately. So. That entire encounter was on me.)

“At what point is this not okay?” Well, that’s the whole point, isn’t it? Who would be in charge of deciding where the line goes? Who gets to decide what goes on which side of the line?

The last anon seemed to think writing was the same as doing, and thus writing shouldn’t be allowed at all.

And then got annoyed when I pointed out how often those unsavory themes happen in movies or TV without any warning at all, and generally, people move right past it.

Fiction doesn’t hurt people. People hurt people.

My favorite comparison is still my kitchen curtains, because my curtains are still weird: fairies, trees. Very witchy. I’ve seen people do literal double takes over my curtains. I can tell by the way they squint they can’t stand them or don’t understand why I would want something so *non-traditional* in such a public part of my house. They keep their damned mouths shut though, because they know its rude to tell me to change my curtains to fit their idea of a kitchen. (And also because I’d toss them out after laughing my ass off but that’s not relevant)

Person A has an idea of what ‘acceptable’ levels are, but that’s much much less than person B. Who wins? No one.

And no one should have the power to just decide things like that.

It’s stupid o’clock at night where I am, so I’m not about to go digging for studies, but I know we’ve got pretty solid proof that media doesn’t cause behaviors spontaneously. At the risk of sounding old, but this same argument once was applied to music, too. The weird compromise was slapping content warnings for language/sex/violence on CD’s. (Y’know. A significantly less useful form of tagging?) It didn’t… really do shit for anyone. Other than make those CD’s more attractive to teens, tbh. But. The argument at the time was rap and rock were violent and would make kids go insane and violent just by listening.

It… didn’t. It still doesn’t.

Reading dark fic isn’t going to cause someone to do something out of the blue.

Someone who’s debating doing the thing might seek out media about whatever their obsession is, yes. But their obsession was already there. Fic, music, movies, they’re not going to create it. I’d wager those girls who murdered their friend and blamed ‘slenderman’ had signs long before they went that far.

Part of the problem with this entire thought is that it’s thought policing. Folks assume the thought equals the sin. And as someone with pretty wonky intrusive thoughts and a long family history of mental issues— no. I have weird ass thoughts all the time. ‘Huh, I’m up high, I should jump, maybe I’ll float.’ I’m not gonna act on them. I know they’re weird thoughts. I’m not gonna float, I’d just die. Your brain just… says things sometimes. Some of us more than others. Therapy’s helpful for folks who struggle with that.

Fiction’s got nothing to do with it, though. Fiction just represents someone else working through their lives.

Melissa Etheridge wrote a song (scarecrow) about Matthew Sheppard’s murder. She didn’t cause anyone else to go torture another lonely gay boy to death. She was working through her grief at losing another one of us. And we worked through our grief when she sang.

Art is made for the making of it. Fiction—even the kind that squicks you— is still art.

As for the other part of your ask, the representation? I’m not sure I see the connection you’re trying to make. When people talk about rep, they’re talking about making the characters more authentic, more reflective of the beautiful range of humanity at large. Not seven brown haired white guys and one bitchy white woman and the unnamed not-white side character used for shit jokes. There should be a rainbow of humans in media, because little black girls deserve to know they’re strong and smart and beautiful. Because queer kids of all sizes and shapes deserve to know they’re loved. Because boys should get to be princesses. Because people with chronic illnesses, disabilities, they should get to be part of the stories. Because white folk need to see the rest of the world as human. Folks want to see themselves in the heroes, the happiness, the successes.

Too many kids never get to see themselves on the screen or read about people who look like them.

I loved belle as a kid because she looked like me and she loved reading. I loved Ariel because she wanted to be free. I cried over encanto because I know what it’s like to be excluded, what it’s like to be the big sister. I cried over reading red white and royal blue because the gays get to live and they’re happy. Everyone should have some way to connect.

The realism bit,though, I don’t think is the consumers as a whole. Yeah, some folks prefer it, but from what I’ve seen over the last 20 years, it’s more like the people who control most popular media have decided that’s what they wanna make. I don’t care for it, tbh. Media doesn’t need to be an exact copy of the real world.

Stories are meant as a place of solace, or at least a place that is different, than your day to day.

I like stories that have soft, happy ever afters. We’ve worked through the Big Bad Thing and come out stronger for it and now we get our well deserved rest. The real world doesn’t give me those things. Other people look at the state of the world, read seriously fucked up shit, and then go, well, at least my life isn’t that. It could be worse! And this is their happy place.

So. I’m not sure I’m much help here, but tl;dr: remember the tenets of fandom:

1) kinktomato: your kink is not my kink and that is okay. (You like this, I do not, I’m gonna leave it alone, the end.)

2) DLDR: Don’t like? Don’t read. Filtering and blocking are your besties.

3) ship and let ship (or sit down) — don’t press your dislike onto the people who do like. Let ‘em alone, go find what you do like.

4) tag appropriately, read the damn tags.

5) curate your own spaces. You alone are responsible for your online existence/experiences

6) have fun. Enjoy it. Be weird. Be silly. Be fucked up. Be unrepentantly yourself. Don’t let anyone else take that away from you.

#momma talks #asks #answered asks #censorship #i am very tired its like 1 am so this is probably more incoherent than I think it is im so sorry

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buckttommy · 2 months

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Do you think there's a disconnect between older and newer members of the fandom? I'm a newer fan and most of my mutuals are also new fans and sometimes it feels like fans that have been around for a while don't really want to interact with new blogs.

You know what? I love this question. I'm glad you asked. Yeah, there is a disconnect and I can tell you why it exists (at least from my perspective).

So, before Eddie got shot, this fandom was relatively small. I joined this fandom in January 2021 and... okay, so, one of my litmus tests to determine the size of a fandom is seeing how easy it is to secure a canon or "elite" url. If it's a big fandom, say, DC or Marvel, you'd have to practically kill a man to save a steverogers or brucewayne url, or even a variation of that (i.e stcverogers / brvcewayne). But if it's a medium-sized fandom, for example, you might get away with being able to save an "off-brand" canon url (i.e. canonstucky / batfam). So when I joined up, the fact that I was able to save the canonbuddie url the same day I joined was, like, "whoa. Holy shit. Not a lot going on around here!" Especially since, by this time, Buddie had already been a "ship" for a year or so.

And you know what? It was perfect!

Honestly, in those pre-shooting days, this fandom was very chill. Sure, there was the Ryan/Chrysti n-word drama, and sure, I got absolutely slaughtered every time I so much as mentioned his name in a positive way, and sure, there was your casual in-fighting here and there among some people, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Everything was pretty alright.

But then Eddie got shot... and this fandom blew. the fuck. up.

Gay firefighter trended on twitter and suddenly, this fandom wasn't just a medium-sized hang out anymore. People joined in droves. People started paying attention to us, which was weird. And as with most things in these dark, long-forgotten corners of the internet, with the growth of the fandom inevitably came the Supernatural fans.

As you (probably? possibly?) know, Supernatural ended (Nov. 2020) only a couple months before Eddie got shot (May 2021). When Eddie got shot and Buddie shippers were so absolutely very convinced that this was The Moment and Season 5 was going to be their season, jilted ex-Destiel stans came sniffing around to see what we were up to. This would have been fine, but unfortunately, most of them were horribly unkind (calling us stupid and dumb and mocking us "to our faces" for believing Buddie would ever go canon) or just annoying as fuck (calling Buddie "D/estiel 2.0" and stuff like that).

It got... bad. Seriously. Me and some of the other "big" bloggers around here were constantly inundated with hatemail and mean comments attached to our posts to the point where I know a lot of us just started blocking D/estiel shippers on sight.

Most people in the fandom "closed ranks" after that, so to speak. If you weren't a trusted mutual, or a mutual-in-law, you basically had a 0% chance of punching your way through the fold. Which was ultimately to our detriment. In closing the ranks, more cliques formed, which of course, naturally, created a whole new set of problems to contend with, and all of these events eventually led us to where we are now.

It's not perfect, but it is what it is.

It should be noted that I'm not a fandom expert, and I don't claim to speak on everyone's behalf, but I remember this time, and my conversations with people during this time, with crystal-clear clarity and the D/estiel takeover seems to be the inciting event.

So. Yeah. It's not pleasant news, but I hope this helps?

#I really loved that you asked this question #I know I already said it but I can't imagine joining the fandom right now and I've never really thought about what it must be like #so. that's a dose of perspective huh?#Good luck! Have fun! Hope you find your tribe :)#jack answers mail

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ellekhen · 13 days

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Hand, Hearth, and Home

Chapter 43 - A Touch of Fate

Chapter Summary: After the party fends off an unkindness of shadow-cursed ravens, an ally helps them find a safe place to rest. In this much-needed sanctuary, Church and his companions find a precious moment to heal with each other. However, as another day begins in the Shadowlands, Fate begins to reveal its hand to the tiefling warlock and his friends.

Pairing(s): Astarion x Male Tav (Main); Past OC x Male Tav Rating: Explicit Length: 207K+ words; Chapters 43/65

Excerpt below:

Church’s arm twitches up reflexively, but he stops himself and drops it before Astarion can again flinch away from the touch.

But Astarion catches it this time, gazing into the tiefling’s eyes as he guides the tiefling’s hand to rest against his shoulder.

…and the icy pang of the memory already begins to melt away.

“Sorry,” Church says sheepishly. “It’s an instinct I’m trying to unlearn. I know we got carried away last time with the horn balm and… I know physical affection isn’t comfortable for you and that’s alright. We don’t have to do anything you don’t like—”

“—but I do like it,” Astarion blurts. “When it’s you,” he clarifies hastily. “It feels… safe… when it’s you.”

Church blinks up at him. “Are you sure?”

Ugh, those stupid, wide bright eyes…

Astarion falls forward to wrap his arms around the tiefling, burying his face into the warmth of his shoulder. Church gasps a little under his fervor as the elf’s hands move deliberately — slowly — over his back.

“I like this,” Astarion says simply as his hands come to rest against Church’s shoulder blades. The pads of his fingers absently begin to rub circles where the tiefling’s vestigial wings flex beneath his skin.

“…and besides, for gods’ sake!” the elf blusters. “Who are you to claim you ‘know’ what I want?”

“I’m sorry,” Church says meekly, eyes flicking away in shame. “I didn’t mean…”

“Yes, yes,” Astarion mutters impatiently. “Now, are you going to make me beg for you to do this back or what?”

There’s a beat before Church huffs a laugh, carefully wrapping his arms around the elf’s waist. He smooths his warm hands along Astarion’s back — ever-so-mindful of where his scars sit beneath his clothing.

The two men hold each other.

Breathing.

Waiting.

Thinking.

“I can’t believe I missed out on so many opportunities to do this with you,” Astarion grumbles finally. “It’s… actually nice, it’s…”

“But it didn’t seem that way, back then,” Church whispers. “It annoyed you. It scared you…”

Astarion scoffs bitterly. “Darling… every time someone has ever held me like this, they were either my victim about to die… or Cazador.”

Church pulls away, staring at him with anguish. “Oh. Shit…”

To Astarion’s exasperation, he can hear the tiefling’s heart begin to race as Church stammers, “Oh love, I’m so sorry… I didn’t…!”

“You’re neither of those things, of course,” Astarion interjects quickly. “But just know that it wasn’t ever that I was disgusted with you. Not… exactly, anyway.”

He sighs, experimentally holding up and examining Church’s hand as the tiefling continues to watch him apprehensively.

“I believe I was disgusted with… myself,” Astarion grimaces. “After all, I was made to be touched. And to touch like no one else. And for nearly two centuries, that touch has been… poison.

“Was, poison,” he corrects himself. “But now?”

He presses Church’s hand against his cheek, blinking slowly up at the tiefling.

“It’s a salve,” Astarion says softly. “I think every moment that I get to do this willingly… I feel just a little more alive.”

Church searches his face, hand trembling upon the elf’s cheek as his thumb tentatively begins to stroke the skin there.

“Are you telling me the truth? Or just what I want to hear?” the tiefling asks — a hesitant, hopeful smile tugging upon his lips.

“Well, it’s my truth,” Astarion huffs. “If it also happens to be what you want to hear, then…” he shrugs. “I suppose I got lucky.”

He looks back at Church, again nuzzling against his hand. “So, darling. Can I… try more?”

Read from the beginning!

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altschmerzes · 11 months

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here’s another thought i have on the finale which isn’t very high stakes but has been driving me Fucking Nuts:

re: the fight between jamie and roy about keeley. i thought it was stupid and lazy writing that did a disservice to everything else that dynamic was and encompassed. there was so much more there and THAT was how we closed it out eh? like kudos to her for going ‘uh, no’ and kicking them out, that was a good call, but the whole thing sucked so bad generally and wasted time we could’ve spent doing literally anything other than the most cliche, juvenile, classic ‘women are a prize for men to fight over’ thing. however what’s annoying me even more is the way people who DID like it are responding to people who didn’t.

i keep seeing people be like “ACTUALLY them fighting over her was fine and normal youre all just babies who can’t handle that sometimes people REGRESS and sometimes people are MEAN and UNFAIR and UNKIND” and it’s like nah man it’s because they avoided doing this shit entirely for three fucking years and then were like do you want the cliche love triangle bullshit you dodged the whole time heaped on you at the last second when it makes the least sense? sure, here you go!

is it regression if it’s something they never did in the first place? i think not! and characters can be mean and unfair and cruel and whatever and it’s not the end of the world, i actually think it’s very interesting, and THAT’S not the part i find out of character, it’s that they literally never did this before and now after EVERYTHING else, after how clear it was how gravely fucking serious jamie was about the video leak, this is the kind of shit they’re throwing at each other about this? after repeatedly subverting expectations of classic love triangle nonsense? it’s tired and it’s lazy and it’s the cheapest option and nobody is gonna be able to change my mind by telling me i just don’t understand that People Can Be Unfair Sometimes.

#gav gab #this isn’t even getting into some of the other stuff that’s driving me nuts but like #maybe this is just me #maybe everybody else is having the exact problems these posts are describing #but PERSONALLY it’s not that. it’s that this was unnecessary and out of nowhere and a cheap shot #after they did some very good work the rest of the show im NOT doing the same tired old shit #they managed to have tension and whatever around that history without it becoming cliche love triangle macho dude bullshit #and HERE WE ARE #why stick the landing when we could undo all of that at the last second?#ted lasso spoilers #i am going to become the joker #im too aromantic for this lmao my poor romance repulsed ass is not having a great week #‘it wasn’t even a REAL SERIOUS FIGHT’ i understand this is a dramedy and operates on comedy universe laws #and sometimes things are scaled appropriately but there was ripped clothing and blood lmfao #and they told her to Decide Who Gets Her #in no universe is any of that gonna fly with me no matter how it was resolved #after we managed to go 33 previous episodes WITHOUT DOING THIS SHIT

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unforgivablego · 8 months

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I hate it when people discount Aziraphale without understanding him as a character. Partly, it's more because people like to see bad guys doing good things. And if a demon saves children from death, it means more to them than if an angel did it, even if he lied to heaven and put himself in danger. Essentially: “he’s an angel, it’s in his nature to be kind, so what’s surprising?”

I'm not against Crowley. I like both characters, but I don't like how there are too many defenders of Crowley, while Aziraphale is constantly made into a villain. After the second season, they were generally credited with clear, disgusting images - a poor puppy suffering from unrequited love and a stupid angel who broke his heart. This superficiality is so annoying. As if only Crowley is feeling bad and only he is suffering, which means only he should be pitied.

My friend and I are currently watching a show where the bad guy who starts out doing terrible things becomes a sweetheart in the middle of the season 2. And I watch how she sheds tears from every good deed he does, as if she had completely forgotten what he did a couple of episodes ago. And I have to endure this with a mixture of misunderstanding and rejection: “Are you really serious?” There was literally a scene where a character consciously kills the main character's brother on purpose and then a couple minutes later says he's sorry. “See? He repents,” says a friend. As if that would change the fact that he killed a person (don't worry, the brother survived thanks to a lucky accident (killer doesn’t know it) but imagine if he actually killed him and then came to apologize). One good deed by a bad person always overshadows all other bad deeds, making him appear good.

Also, I think it's all about Tennant's popularity and his image as a demon. I have nothing against both, but often, if a bad character is played by a handsome sexy actor, the idol of millions and the owner of hearts, then he is loved more according to the standard. Just like in the series that my friend and I are watching now.

It’s annoying too how many people sometimes turn a blind eye to how “unkind” Crowley can be. Like, “you can forgive him everything because he once did a good deed.” I'm not saying Crowley is bad. No need to attack me with slippers. I'm talking about the tearful art that makes Crowley look broken and Aziraphale cold and cruel. I'm talking about hurt fanfiction, in which Crowley suffers more than me in the deepest depression (calm down already, seriously, I have enough suffering, give me a rainbow, fluff, romance and love). All these jokes about Aziraphale having to do an apology dance in the third season (despite this, I’m also looking forward to such a scene). Analysis on TikTok, where the angel is often called stupid and naive (the coffee theory just kills me, I fucking hate it).

Yes, I love memes. That's funny. Keep making jokes about the ineffable bureaucracy speed running their relationship in a year, while these idiots have gotten nowhere in 6,000 years. And about Nina and Maggie, the heads of the “Geordie Shore” program. About Metatwat, who got into the hands the Book of Life and he decided to shit us a disgusting fanfic. Carry on, I like it. But as long as these are jokes and not a hostile imposition.

There have already been so many quarrels about this. And all because people like one character more than another. And here we again return to the fact that we ourselves constantly separate them. We devalue one thing or another, and then hope for a happy ending.

This established clichéd system in the fandom is simply killing me. Therefore, I am grateful to every person who digs deeper than the sand sprinkled on top.

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daisiesonafield-blog · 2 years

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daisie do u feel like this whole holivia mess is jeopardizing your feelings towards harry? Cause i feel like it is for me a little bit :/

Hi dear,

In a sense yes. But not in a 'I don't like or support him anymore' way. I understand his position in the industry as a closeted queer person inherently limits his choices and options.

But besides that, I am very angry that his team is more than happy to use us when it's convenient for promo, to sell stadiums and overcharge tickets. To sell shitty merch to. But then in the same breath use as scapegoats and throw us under the bus as hysterical Harry Styles fangirls who are jealous of his girlfriend. And then to have Harry in print on Rolling Stone allude to the same. THAT was a massive slap in the face. Especially because he had, up until that point, fervently DEFENDED not only his fans, but fans who are women. Fangirls who are brushed off as the butt of the joke and ridiculed at every turn. He had defended us. But then comes Olivia Wilde with her made up sob story of 'poor me, his unkind jealous fans bullied me online for no reason wah wah', and he allegedly commented in support of it, going against fans? Brushing off actual criticism as 'ridiculous jealous fangirls'.

Angel Sue, H, Harold, Harry....It's a complicated relationship. I absolutely hate that Harry is pissing me off. But he is. I still love him. I'm not gonna stop loving him. I still love his music and Fine Line is forever my lifetime favorite album. BUT I am allowed to love him and be super fucking pissed with him and call him out on his bullshit. If you truly love someone this is what you do. You're not a yes person. You actually give your input and true feelings.

And I will say that his approach and his team's approach of staying quiet thru this and "standing by" Olivia is really putting a terrible taste in my mouth. Their standard approach is always to not comment or say anything, then drop some cute pics/videos of H being his adorable self and expect fans to bend over, take it and forget why they were angry. But this isn't going away.

I mean they literally called us hysterical and in the same breath said that it doesn't matter what they do to our faces, we'll still buy movie tickets and line around the block, and drop our whole month salaries on LOT. That is incredibly insulting.

The nerve to shit on us but in the same breath tell us to buy movie tickets and drop thousands for love on tour tickets. THEY'RE BLATANTLY BOASTING ABOUT USING US TO OUR FACES!!! IT'S SO INSULTING.

So naturally, yeah I'm annoyed at him right now. But I am also aware that feelings are transient and I won't feel like this forever.

I just wish him and his team were a bit less afraid to stand their ground publicly on some instances.

In this case, Olivia and DWD have absolutely harmed his image. He's now a bit of an asshole. Even for people who don't care or just vaguely read a headline or watch some gossip on the news. He went from showbiz's sweetheart to another Hollywood dickhead celeb who's always in some drama.

And FOR WHAT???? An ill advised PR stunt. A movie that has given him no leverage in Hollywood so far. And a leech of a beard who found her golden goose ticket to stardom she had only ever dreamed of. And she's full of it thinking she's the shit now. A narcissist thru and thru. Bringing everyone and herself down in her selfish quest for fame and money via a movie that should have died in pre-production. And would have, if not for Harry Styles and his legion of 'pathetic, jealous fangirls' who still buy any ticket he's selling.

Truly, this is this woman's level of narcissism:

Alright this is PURE rant. Can you tell I'm pissed? lol

Oh and btw, don't give this woman money. Don't pay to go see her movie, don't stream it on HBO. You can watch it for free on *other sites*, I'll share all the links. We're a huge fandom, we can do anything. If you *must* see it in theaters then buy a ticket to something else and sneak into dwd. Don't support her or validate her pitch for the stunt saving this movie via PR. Bc that's what it'd be doing too in addition to giving her millions $$ now and in future projects.

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onstoryladders · 10 months

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oh god yeah don't get me started on how badly some people in the fandom (and most youtube reactors too tbh) misinterpret kawi's character or simply refuse to look past the surface.

"him being lonely and a 'loser' is all his fault so he should stop feeling sorry for himself and just DO things. socioeconomic issues? I don’t know her. also, getting out of a negative mindset and becoming more confident and outgoing after years of NOT being that is so easy, u guys. just DO IT. why is kawi not just DOING IT?? like I said, completely his fault his life sucks"

"oh, he's being mean to his eventual love interest? what a dick, he's so annoying. huh? you're saying the guy he only just started interacting with like 2 days ago (bc he has no clue what happened during the 10 years he's missing from one time jump to another) suddenly kissed him and then proceeded to aggressively shake him and yell at him so it's understandable he felt negatively about it and therefore acted accordingly? sorry, nope, he should be nicer, and it shouldn't take him any time to get there. that's what KIND people do."

🙄🙄🙄

Sometimes it feels like certain people are just looking for a reason to hate this show when it's actually good so far.

Yep, exactly! It's such an unkind way to look at his character. Like they're allowed to dislike him, we're not the fandom police, but at least they could try not to misunderstand him?

Kawi is not perfect by any means, and I get if someone finds him annoying. He is. But saying that it's all his fault that he's lonely in the future is such a superficial way to look at his situation. His choices brought him there, but not because he wanted to. He's just wired in a way that makes it very hard for him to get close to other people. If others can't relate, well, GOOD FOR THEM, but I can, and it sucks. It's not as easy for everyone.

And sometimes life is just a bitch, you make one (1) bad choice and everything goes to shit and you don't know how to get back on your feet and then even more shit gets down and you feel even worse and it goes on and on until you give up.

Kawi spent twelve years blaming himself for everything. He suffered the loss of his only parent who left him ALONE. He had to carry on ALONE without being able to rely on anyone else. Years and years trapped in a life that was just work work work and regrets. He basically lived through his memories of university, in an alternative universe when he did the right thing and didn't chicken out at the last minute. He was so wrapped up in this absurd fantasy that he honestly believed he could've fixed everything by giving Pear the lamp as a wedding gift TWELVE YEARS LATER 😭

Also YES ABOUT THE KISS! Like yeah, Pisaeng did nothing to make Kawi feel unsafe in the uni timeline, but that kiss was-- intense, and Kawi couldn't process it with the base of a friendship of over ten years because he didn't live those years!

I do think some people are prejudiced about Kawi only because they dislike Krist and so they find excuses to shit on his character... but honestly no one needs to do that, just say Kawi's face makes you wanna punch him, no one will mind 😂

Also guys I can feel it in my bones that Kawi will give us some other reasons to shit on him, just wait for those so we can all agree 😂

#mail 💌#be my favorite

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all-pacas · 18 days

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Are you comfortable saying what characters and what about the characterization you disagreed with? Just curious!

I don't want to get too specific because I'm not trying to do any kind of call out post! But it was a sort of situation where a specific character is highly whitewashed and can do no wrong, no matter how understandable or even welcome that would be. It's frustrating writing, not just because it's annoying to read about characters who can and are not allowed to Do Anything Wrong, but also because it's not human.

I'm a huge proponent in messy characters. People making mistakes, making assumptions, saying or doing the wrong thing. Good, well-meaning people who make mistakes, or get upset in the heat of the moment. Especially because they can and absolutely do exist with good or "paragon" characters! It adds so much more depth and interest and relatability! I love positive traits taken to the point of flaws! It's my crack!

And here's the tangent that's made me decide to answer this ask: I. Fucking. Love. That. So here's some very random examples of Good People and Characters with Positive Traits that can be flaws:

PETER PARKER. Amazing Spider-Man's semi-recent Sin's Past arc directly discussed this. Peter has a hero complex; he IS a hero. He compulsively needs and wants to save everyone, explicitly due to his own guilt complexes. It also makes him controlling. He will or won't allow help, will or won't share information. He keeps things to himself, he refuses to share, he intentionally keeps people out of the loop. He wants to save everyone. He thinks he knows how to do it. He dismisses and pushes friends away. He is a great hero and often a shitty friend.

CRITROLE, my guys Caleb and Nott. Best friends, they love one another, they are ultra found family. About halfway through the campaign, Nott begins to struggle with her personal issues, openly and obviously (Xhorhass and Flaskgate). Caleb cares for her a lot. He wants what is best for her. Instead of talking to her about her problems or calling her out on her recent recklessly dangerous behavior, he refuses to talk to her at all. He enables her, an alcoholic, with alcohol. It isn't that he wants her self-harming or in danger, it's because he loves her and can't bring himself to call her out or bring himself into conflict. He Fucks Up.

ALOY Zero Dawn. Another heroic type, she spends about half her time refusing friendship, help, companions, all of it. Her catchphrase is "I'm faster alone." She saves the world and skips the victory party. She's too busy. She has too much on her plate. She hurts her friends. They tell her this. She pushes them away. It isn't because she doesn't want friends -- she's actually a fairly warm person -- or even because she's so anti-social. She has the best of motives and reasons, and she is still a bad friend. She is cold. She is unkind. She is quite cruel to [SEQUEL GAME SPOILER CHARACTER], who we AND she knows does not deserve it, but she sees too much of herself in this person and lashes out. We know why she does it. It's still a dick move. We still love Aloy.

(you might think I'd include current hyperfixation smoothbrain vampire on this list. i cannot. he is an asshole on purpose. his minimal goodness is in spite of this, not because of it.)

I'm not for a second going to pretend that I'm a great writer worth bragging about. But it's something I like to do too. My current OC Tav lady is passive and easy-going. This is a flaw. She isn't passive and easy going because she's okay with shit, but because she feels like she can't and has no right to complain. If you give someone a Trait, follow it to its logical end. How is it good? How is it bad?

It isn't that "these characters are flawed" is some plot twist, it isn't that "characters having flaws" is news. It's that in all three examples, these are characters whose positive traits (heroism, love for another) have the side effect of hurting others. These are characters who are sympathetic (Aloy is isolated, Aloy lashes out for understandable reasons) but still make mistakes (being mean to someone who doesn't deserve it).

In the fanfic I was ranting about, there is neither. The person does not make mistakes, does not take their heroic, story-specific flawlessness into this direction. When arguing, they have the moral high ground, but also the flawless composure to not be rude or hurtful or controlling or a little bit rude in making their points. The other characters fall over themselves to apologize, to understand, to feel sorry for opposing them. It isn't just that they have no flaws (a subjective phrase), it's that the universe twists and conforms to them. There are no consequences, no stakes. They are the sun at the center of the universe. And I vastly prefer messy heroes.

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bakubunny · 4 months

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for the self ship asks!

3, 7, 9, 11, 20

is it bad everytime I see one of these I wanna be like "just do them all fam"

it's not bad. you know me, depending on who you ask for i'll do it without question.

after a lil dming, neon decided to ask for geto self ships, so i shall give them.

3. What is your idea of a perfect date?

me: somewhere quiet where it's just the two of us. i'm really not picky. any time spent with suguru makes me happy. we could be walking the streets late at night and i'd call it a date tbh.

suguru: I’d like to plan something fun or go out to a nice restaurant. perhaps a pottery class and a dinner reservation at our favorite place. (tl;dr: he likes to do things.)

7. What’s the one trait about each other that annoys you the most?

me: he's way too hard on himself, which pushes him to be hard on others. still blames himself for things that happened when he was a kid. i call him out on his bullshit when he's unkind to me or those around him.

suguru: she’s messy, generally scatterbrained and disorganized. sometimes it drives me crazy, especially if she calls me out but... i wouldn’t trade her for the world. i need someone who does that.

9. What was your first impressions of each other?

me: pretty boy is too pretty for me and why is he so nice? how is he so nice? is... is he flirting with me or trying to manipulate me? both?

suguru: fuck, she's cute. a little stupid, but that's okay.

11. When did you know you were in love?

me: i was panicking and felt like my life was probably falling apart (bc anxiety), questioned internally why someone like him would be with someone like me. but he was gentle and kind, just like he always has been. he never wavered. and it clicked; i knew.

suguru: it was probably when i talked him through a similar moment. it dawned on me that i didn't want to let go of someone who saw me for who i am, the way my friends do.

20. What went through your head when feelings were confessed?

i'm going to go with initial "you're cute, wanna go on a date?" feelings on this one.

me: not necessarily shocked because he's so obvious about it, but still a little surprised that he was actually serious. i probably thought satoru put him up to it. (he's a little shit sometimes, okay?)

suguru: i knew when we met that she’d say yes because she’s easy to read. she flusters easily. i think it’s cute.

self ship asks

#make it a fix it au #that's all i'm gonna say #don't want to spoil it for you #self ship #self ship asks #ask games #geto suguru #sugubun

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bookloverbilly · 2 years

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s4 thoughts so far

I think the duffers excel at horror but fall flat with characters. As someone who watches shows for characters, it has been a pretty disappointing season so far.

Steve is in the same place as he was two seasons ago—pining after Nancy, desperate for a romance. It's getting boring. I would love for him to feel secure in his loneliness and find solace in his platonic relationships!! I also feel like you could really feel Joe Keery pulling away from his love of ST and it was apparent in some of his performances /: I love him and completely get why, this is not a diss on him! They've reduced Steve to some bumbling idiot despite proving the past three seasons that he's competent, just has some blonde moments

Nancy is once again being tossed between two men. I physically need to see her single. It makes ZERO SENSE for her to want to be with Steve again given her reasons for breaking up with him. I'm fine with a recouped romance plot but only when both characters have developed and grown in the time apart: Nancy has a little, Steve has a little, but it hasn't been enough?? Idk I just hate that they're trying to make them a thing again. Really hoping it's a red herring and when she and Jonathan break up she'll realize she's at her best when she's focusing on herself and her future. Both Steve and Jonathan just drag her down as neither know what they want for their life/future, and she does ):

I felt like Dustin and Steve's dynamic was very strained? Like Dustin was so rude to Steve and constantly putting him down, idc that Eddie told Steve he worships him when he's overtly unkind to his face. It's sad be they had such a beautiful and understanding love between them and now i don't even know if they even like each other???

Will and Mike basically did fuck all which is the norm for them at this point. The duffers have no fucking idea what to do with those two so they keep shoving them aside.

Lucas, Max, and Jane were all excellent imo. I felt like we really got inside their heads and got a good look at each of their psyches (Jane literally lol).

I actually LO00OVED Jonathan this season. It makes complete sense to me as a reformed stoner who also went thru some shit. Like I get it! I do wish he had more to do but I feel like Charlie had a LOT of fun this season with his character and it showed!

Robin was okay? She had some good moment and some truly annoying moments that I'm attributing to the writing.

Eddie was SO MUCH FUN and such a vulnerable, funny, and complex character. I feel like I know more about him at this point than Steve, and it's his first season!! Really hoping he survives and we see him again!

The adults were amazing. Loved every moment of their storyline. I know a lot of ppl didn't like the Russian plot but I thought it was rly good? Idk maybe I just haven't seen a lot of Russian's in media so it was fresh and fun for me lol. Also the adults are the best actors by far so I was sucked into every scene w them based on performance alone!

Some of the CGI was LAUGHABLEEEE omfg especially young Jane. They didn't even try to make cgi Jane look like MBB and it was so funny seeing her squished body on screen.

Also I think the building of suspense for one group and then a hard cut to another group doing something to ally different was rly disappointing... I wish the scenes were totally different bc I would find myself wishing to go back to the other group while watching the current one.

One last thing... I think it could have been interesting from a directorial standpoint to hold off on showing us viewers what vecna was doing to people in their heads. It would have been sooo much more compelling to just see contorting floating bodies then find out LATER wtf was going on internally for those kids.

overall I thought it was a 5/10!

#stranger things #stranger things 4 #stranger things season 4 #st 4 #st 4 spoilers #stranger things spoilers #steve harrington #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #mike wheeler #jane hopper #max mayfield #lucas sinclair #dustin henderson

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semper-legens · 8 months

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116. The Sandman: Endless Nights, by Neil Gaiman

Owned?: Yes Page count: 152 My summary: Seven stories from the world of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman - one for each of the Endless. Walk in Destiny’s garden, experience the love of Dream, watch Desire twist a young woman’s life, twirl and fly alongside Delirium, find a man trying to escape Death, dig for future artefacts alongside Destruction, and gaze at the portraits of Despair. My rating: 3/5 My commentary:

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you might have seen my posts from a few years ago where I read through the entire Sandman series. Since then, the Netflix series has come out - I watched the first episode on a plane, wasn't very impressed, then had no inclination to continue. Sandman is…my reactions to it differ depending on how I feel when you ask me. The general throughline is that I do really like it, and it holds a dear place in my heart, but it's not perfect and certainly not without its flaws. So, we move on to this. Endless Nights contains seven short stories, one for each of the Endless, set at various places in the Sandman canon. Some before the main series, some after. I've actually talked about it before, but now I want to give it less overview, more actual thought. So I'll talk about the four that stood out to me the most this time round.

The first is Dream's story. In the previous post, I mentioned liking it - not so much, these days. I think my problem with it lies from the fact that the others are at least trying to engage with the concept invoked by that Endless. Dream, though? It kind of features wishes and wants, but the fact that it centres around a romantic relationship between Killalla, a star, and Dream himself, makes it feel like more of a Desire situation than a Dream. Desire does more in this story than Dream does! It's showing Dream-as-a-character, not Dream-as-an-idea, which is annoying because all the other stories try and do both. It's also the one that's most conventional in its storytelling, and feels more like a straight prequel to the main Sandman story than a self-contained little narrative.

Death's tale I ended up liking a little better - at least, the general conceit of it. Death is trying to get into a mansion stuck in time in the 1700s. The man who owns the mansion is some sort of alchemist or sorceror, and has stuck himself and his guests in a time loop to evade Death. But with the help of a mortal, Death gets in, and takes him and his guests regardless. This is such a cool idea, especially as we see the man using the fact that he can't be touched by death to its hedonistic limits. He pushes his body as far as it can go, dying again and again safe in the knowledge that he will just rise again the next morning. And Death is there to stop him. She's not cruel, she's not unkind, she's just a reality of life. A necessity. I'm very fond of how Gaiman personifies Death in this series, and this is a good outing for her character.

Then there's Desire. My least favourite of all the Endless, Desire is more disappointing to me than anything. The trouble is that while desire as a concept is a very broad category, Desire the character seems to preside exclusively over romantic/sexual desire. Which is just less interesting to me than other types. Where's desire for money, for power, for anything other than hot women? Because, yeah, that's sort of the thing here. While the main character is a woman, it's more about her as an object of desire as it is her own desires as a character. She teases and tantalises the men in her life, from the man she would make her husband by playing hard to get, to the men who killed her husband by tormenting them until they all murder each other. Her active wants are somewhat lesser to the effect she causes on others. And that's just not interesting, Neil! Get your shit together!

Despair's story is still my absolute favourite. It's not really a story at all - it's called Fifteen Portraits of Despair and shows a small glimpse into the lives of fifteen people at their absolute lowest, complete with creepy, surreal artwork and unsettling prose descriptions. I love it. Despair doesn't get much screentime in the original series, so it's good to delve into just who she is and what her domain contains. Despair is one of the less 'nice' Endless, she presides over sadness and pain, so it's interesting to see her as this somewhat impartial god. Also, it's creepy and macabre and I just love it.

Next, to the pumpkin patch, with two best friends.

#Endless Nights #Neil Gaiman #bookblr #book blog #book blogger #3

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littlefirefly42 · 1 year

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long vent

Sometimes I realize the people I care most about know nothing about me or don't attempt to be involved with my interests or talk to me about stuff I like. Which is annoying. It makes me want to cry. and punch things. And cry. But also I feel kind of selfish because they are kind and they care but also sometimes I feel like I'm not even being treated like a person I'm just like. There. Even if they ARE talking to me, it's always about something I don't understand or know about, and I try to be supportive and stuff but it's like... I don't feel like they are recognizing me as a human being. All I ever talk about with people is them and their interests and I'm worried I don't even have real interests anymore because I just listen to other people talk about theirs. But I also feel so selfish for that because of course I care about them and I want them to feel like they can talk to me I just wish I actually felt like they were talking to me and not just talking, you know? Like I want to feel important enough to be acknowledged I guess. Most of my friends and family don't even know my current special interest.

And another thing; I know I'm supposed to be breaking the cycle and everything and the way I was raised (to appear the first time you're called in like under five seconds, to respond to commands with "yes mom"/"yes dad", to NEVER keep someone waiting or inconvenience them) was pretty strict and uptight. I know that those behaviors are ingrained in me and I shouldn't judge others for being raised in a kinder home. However, it really pisses me off when people whose parents are kind and understanding are unkind to said parents. Like even just little things. When people casually say "My mom's mad at me because I'm making her wait" and then continue to make their mom wait as if she's not so very kind and patient to begin with. I know it's not my place but that shit pisses me off. And the worst part is usually I just have to laugh awkwardly and say over and over "I think we should go" "I think your mom's waiting on us" "We should head out" all passive and sweet as if my gut isn't all twisted up with this like instinctual anxiety paired with bitter contempt and I just-

Sometimes I feel like a bad person for having bad feelings about people I love but not knowing how to communicate those feelings.

#I'm just going to stop being around people because I'm tired of the same old bs

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firelord-frowny · 2 years

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I've been realizing lately just how much my fear/anxiety about Going Out Into The World To Pursue My Interests is rooted in the stuck up, condescending, judgmental attitudes of my dad, and to a lesser extent, my brother.

lmao i mean i aaaaaaalllllllwaaaaaaaaaays knew that they did and said things to cause me to feel like shit. the catch is that at the same time that I was feeling like shit because of what they'd do and say to me, I also fully understood that the dumb things they tried to make me believe about myself weren't true. So like, the hurt came mostly from the fact that they wanted me to feel bad in the first place. Like, my brother would call me stupid, and i KNOW i am not stupid, so I'm not upset because I now feel stupid because of what he said, because I know I'm not stupid. I'm upset because it hurts me to know that he wants me to feel bad. I'm upset because it hurts me to know that somebody could think something about me that wasn't just unkind and rude, but also untrue. So like, my self concept never really suffered because of anything they did or said.

but holy WOW it has made me hyperaware of the possibility of being perceived as or accused of being something I'm not. It's made me hypervigilant in terms of not wanting to be seen doing anything that somebody might judge me unkindly for.

And I know now that a lot of that is because not only did they say mean shit about me, but I also witnessed them saying mean shit about complete strangers.

Examples (some of which I can remember as having Actually Happened, and some of which are just hypothetical scenarios that demonstrate what I'm talking about):

Say every time my family goes to a particular restaurant, there's always the Same Dude sitting alone at the Same Table. My dad and brother, every time we see him there, say something like, "oh, there he is again. he should try somewhere else for a change." "i bet the staff is creeped out by him." "what's he doing here all the time? the food isn't even that good." It's just a dude enjoying his favorite dish at his favorite restaurant, but to my dad, he's Doing Something Wrong.

Say a fat lady is walking across the street in a bright yellow mini dress with pink polka dots, green hair, prancing along with a confident, enthusiastic gait. My dad turns up his nose and makes a grotesquely horrified noise and goes, "she ain't got no business drawing all that attention to herself. she needs to be dressing down, not up." The grotesque implication being that she's not beautiful enough to have the right to make herself stand out in a crowd, and the fact that she makes herself stand out regardless of that 'fact' is a character flaw worth saying out loud.

I'm watching Rocky Mountain Vet on animal planet, and a couple is explaining their dog's ailment to the vet tech. They talk about how their dog is 'like their child' and they 'don't care how much it costs to get him healthy again.' they'll 'do anything for him.' My dad walks by as I'm watching this, and he huffs about how ridiculous it is for people to care that much about their pets.

We have some neighbors who are, uh, really fucking obnoxious lmao ngl. But they're not bad people. Just annoying. The husband, when he's out mowing the lawn, wears a bright yellow reflective safety shirt. My brother somehow winds up in a conversation with the guy in which the guy mentions that he likes to wear bright yellow when he's doing yard work so that he can be easily seen. my brother, being incapable of Not Giving A Shit About Other People's Personal Choices, misinterprets the neighbor's words to mean "I think it's fun to make people pay attention to me." After that, my brother started deliberately taking a right turn instead of a left one whenever he leaves the house JUST to deprive the neighbor of the satisfaction of having been seen by him.

Somebody posts on social media announcing the launch of their online business and asking their friends to take a look at their website and perhaps purchase something. My dad sneers about how pushy and presumptuous they're being - don't they know nobody cares about their dumb business? there's already dozens of other business like it anyway.

literally just, people can do the most benign things, the VERY SMALLEST THINGS to intentionally or incidentally draw any kind of attention to theirself, and my dad expresses condescending contempt for all of it.

and as for how this has effected me and how I move through the world...

I once bought some DELICIOUS cupcakes from a new cupcake bakery. A couple weeks later, I went back for more. It's been like 5 years since that 2nd visit and I've wanted to go again, but I haven't because I worry that the staff will recognize me, and if they recognize me, they'll think I'm a weirdo for always buying cupcakes from them. OBVIOUSLY that is dumb as shit and not at all true, but I can't make my emotions believe that.

When I had both my junior and senior recitals in college, I invited No One. I did post about it on facebook just to make people aware it was happening, but I only did it once, and I didn't actually encourage anyone to attend because I worried that people would think I'm an attention whore.

My emotions are SO CONVINCED that everyone around me is secretly Just Like My Dad, and will ridicule me for having the audacity to do anything at all that might make someone look at me.

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