#like feeling unloved is all MY fault i am the one who can never get enough

[medicasino]

i'm seriously tired of this like,,, constant feeling of never really feeling important to anyone. and it's like, it's 100% on me, it is 100% my fault i feel this way but,,, eugh

#affie txt #it isnt anyone's fault at all im just like super unwell LOL #its like. i mourn the friendships where i genuinely felt wanted. because it was ME who fucked them up and now i just feel legitimately like #no matter how many people i befriend and burn through it's like i can never ever feel truly wanted or like im at all important to them #and when i DO #when i do feel wanted and important its always so short-lived and they move on to someone else #and im just like really tired of wanting to be loved and never actually feeling loved #every friendship i was a part of where i felt like i was genuinely important or wanted has completely eroded and its like. all my fault and #im just. really fucking tired of never feeling loved like ever #and its not anyones fault its not like people are mistreating me #I AM THE PROBLEM. I am the reason i feel unloved #because theres something wrong with me and i can never ever feel like im loved even if people say they love me!!! it always feels so hollow #and every time i see my friends get along better with other people i always feel so fucking jealous and its like its such a me problem #but its so hard to get out of this mindset because its one i've been trapped in for YEARS #i've dug this hole and now i lay in it because there is no way out and im so. tired. i just want to be loved #i want to be important to someone i want to be someone's special person their number one and its like #that'll never happen to me!!!! because I AM THE REASON no one views me that way!!!! Im unstable messy reactionary lazy and mean #and so fucking anxious about every little thing that like of FUCKING course no one would love me!!!! loving me is HARD because #i am not MEANT to be loved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am meant to be hated or seen as disposable!!!! #ugh im just so fucking sick of feeling disposable. #vent #ask to tag

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

.

#my dad is so fucking #frustrating i fucking hate him so much #why can't he just stick to one thing? if you've decided to be an asshole then be a goddamn asshole #why these random bursts of affection and caring I HATE IT it hurts me more than you scolding me #because your love is so fucking conditional and fickle and i never know what to do to keep receiving it #and it makes me question everything about myself my thoughts my relationships whether if im actually ever right when im mad at people #it makes me think oh maybe it was me i understoof them wrong i can never fuckinh trust my judgement #like feeling unloved is all MY fault i am the one who can never get enough #i still don't know if that's true #broken three different relationships and I still don't know this about myself everytime i was like i don't feel like you love me and they #were like what no ofcourse i do but if you can't see it then fine fuck off i give up #he said he is concerned about my weight because he's scared i might get some diseases like thyroid (bc mum has it) or pcod or something??? #like dude why tf did u not just say that pehle 😭😭😭😭 i spent like 5 days feeling miserable not eating properly because i thought you #hated my appearance all my fragile self esteem it's all broken now i can't eat dinner without thinking about you saying don't you dare have #dinner if you feel hungry just drink water #and the worst part is i can't even skip dinner because it gives me a horrible headache the next morning and then i can't study and work #which btw YOU can absolutely not tolerate i gave up on being happy for your dreams im just trying to make you proud and happiness feels #like a far fetched dream now but i keep going everyday because im so close to the finish line and maybe if i do this you would finally be #happy with me love me #i told him that my first loan file got sanctioned today and he was so fucking happy so proud so soft like eat the dragonfruit i brought for #you okay it's so tasty and take care of yourself celebrate this little win you've worked hard #like just. please. don't confuse me you saying shit like this made me sob so much harder than all your angry words

[crownmemes]

Sad Sentences, Vol. 3

(Sad sentences from various sources. Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I just want my mind to quit so I can finally fall asleep."

"I did do the right thing, didn't I?"

"How can a frog tell a swan that he loves her?"

"I find I have no real legacy."

"I can't be something I'm not."

"I haven't known pleasure for quite some time."

"People keep telling me it wasn't my fault. I know they're just saying it to shut me up."

"I just wanted what everyone wants..."

"There's something I don't want to talk about but can't get of my head."

"I wish I was capable of more."

"I know what it's like to be abandoned - how you think you're worthless and unlovable, and your heart hardens to the person who did it to you."

"I wanted to love her..."

"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."

"You can't help me. No one can help me."

"When did we ever have a real conversation? We were always avoiding what we actually wanted to say."

"You know, there's some wounds that are just too painful ever to be reopened."

"New beginnings only lead to painful ends."

"I'd like to prove that I'm capable of something more."

"Is a little while over yet? Because I can't bear the thought of you hating me still."

"I don't know how I can forgive you for this."

"I've thought about this moment so many times - all the things I would say to you if I ever saw you again."

"Why am I letting you do this to me?"

"I'm sorry it's so late. I didn't know where else to go."

"I know I'm not well, but I'm alright."

"Will you please stop trying to pick a fight with me?"

"I'm not the person you think I am."

"You might end up not liking me very much..."

"I've destroyed a lot of things in my life, including the people most precious to me."

"I want my old life back..."

"I feel ashamed of how I've treated you."

"I'm so scared that I've just got you back and now I'm going to lose you again."

"The whole world is a cage when you're trapped in it alone."

"You can't save everybody."

"I have to hate you a little, just for a little while."

"You must be so lonely."

"Lying to yourself about love never works."

"They don't have words for how I feel."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"I get the feeling you're not used to anyone taking care of you."

"Do you know what it's like not to be able to trust your own eyes?"

"God is a spectator. He just reads the box scores."

"Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings."

"I don't know what to do..."

"Look, we've all done things we're not proud of. We all have secrets."

#rp meme #rp memes #roleplay meme #roleplay memes #rp prompts #roleplay prompts #sentence starters #assorted; #sad;

[romanoffsbish]

Dialogue Prompt List 2.0

Angst/Fluff/Smut/ H/C prompts listed. (18+)

— = Y/N or Character

I write wlw exclusively, but feel free to rearrange gendered pronouns for your fics. ❤️

Angst

“What the fuck told you this was a good plan, hm?” / “I just wanted to do something nice for you…” / “Yeah, well you failed!”

“Me? Love you? *incredulous laughter* Look, I know you live in delusion most days, but this is ridiculous. You’re unlovable —.”

“So this was just a game to you, why?” / “I always loved a challenge, but it turned out you were an easy catch, I’m bored now.”

“Making me fall in love with you when you never intended to stay was cruel, —.” / “I told you from the start I’d only break your heart —.” / “I thought you were joking since you slept with me an hour later!” / “Yeah, that’s where you made a mistake. You chose to be foolish and entangle the heart where it never had a chance to thrive.”

“This is all your fucking fault —!” … “You never should’ve come here, you are clearly only capable of making things worse.”

Fluff

“Please tell me there isn’t something on my face —?” / “What?” / “You’re staring…” /“oh, no, I just got lost in your eyes for a second. You’re just so mesmerizing.”

“Hey —!” / “Hey —(nickname/term of endearment), what’s got you so excited, hm?” / “I’m about to ask my crush out…” / “Oh, um, I wish you the best of luck.” / *awkward obvious silence* / “Hey —.” / “Yeah?” *soft/sad whisper* / “Are you free tonight? Say 6? I scored tickets to the local game.” / “Wait, I thought.” *pause of realization* “Oh my gosh, you like me?”

“Has anyone ever told you that you have the prettiest eyes?” / *Person B rolls them* “Only you, about a hundred times.” / *Person A chuckles nervously* “Well it’s the truth, I have never been lost and found all in one go. But whenever I look into them thats what happens.” / “Yet you haven’t asked me out.” / “I believe in the long game —, I would never want to rush our forever.”

“Stop it!” / “Stop what” / “Looking at me like I’m all you’ll ever want. It’s unfair.” / “How so?” / “Because it gives me hope.” / “Have you ever considered it’s not hope, but a sign that you should go out on a date with me tonight.” / “Oh…” / *Person B winks* “I’ll pick you up at 7 sweetheart.”

“I adore —, but it’s definitely a bit one sided.” / “That’s it, we’re taking you for an eye exam, clearly you’ve gone blind.” / “This isn’t funny, I love them so much—, but...” / *Person B interrupts A’s pity party* “Hey Y/N!” * R looks up and hums with a warm smile, as her eyes cast over to Person A / Person B smirks at the visible proof.* / “— wants you to meet her on the roof tonight, wear your evening best.” / “Oh, why? I-is this a date?” / *Person A went to speak, to shut it down but B confirms in an instant. R’s eyes widen, and then she squeals a yay before leaving* / “See —? I expect to be the maid of honor.”

Smut

“Meet me in my room in five…” / “Why?” / “So I can make those pretty eyes of yours roll to the back of your head silly girl…”

“Tell me how badly you want it sweetie.” / “Bad enough that I’d let you fuck me raw.”

“We’re leaving.” / “What? Why? I’m having fun!” / “We can have fun at home —.” / “I’m not going —.” / “Fine, then I guess I’ll just have to fuck you here in front of everyone. Maybe then they’ll finally know who you belong to, and you’ll also remember.”

“I am studying —, I can’t take any breaks.” / *takes your caffeine source* “Honey, that’s precisely the problem, you are overworking yourself, and you need mommy to wipe your brain of thought.”

“Take it off, please.” / “You turned a blind eye to my advances —, so you can remain in the dark as I fuck you senseless too.”

Hurt / Comfort

“—, you need to get out of bed, it’s been weeks…” / “It’s okay —, you don’t have to pretend to care.” / “I’m not, so please, let me care for you until you can do it for yourself.” / *timid whispers* “okay…”

“Hey —, do you think I’ll ever find love?” / “Where is this coming from —? Of course you will.” / “Then why haven’t I? The unsavory truth is simple—I’m unlovable.” / “No, it’s because you haven’t noticed me…”

“You belong here —.” / “The team doesn’t seem to agree” *while packing a duffle / “Last time I checked the team was made up of idiots with ego-stroking agendas. The last thing we need is to lose one of the few genuinely selfless souls.” … “Not that that means what you did was right. It’s just also not the end of the world either. It’s okay.”

“Are you okay?” / “No.” / “How can I fix that?” / “I don’t think I can be fixed.” / “How about you let me try? I’ll remind you everyday just how loved you are. I can’t imagine a world without you —, so please let me be here for you so I never have to.”

“What’s wrong?” / “It’s all gray now.” / “What is?” / “The world. Nothing fits. It’s all just catastrophe and chaos. I feel so lost.” / “Sometimes being lost is a good thing.” / “How so?” / “It’s merely a sign to tell you that your path needs rerouting dear, it’s how evolution remains possible. This isn’t the end you see, it’s only just the beginning of something new.” / “I really like that.” / “I like you” (cheesy little kiss to follow 🥹)

#writing prompts #writing prompt #fluff prompt #fluff prompts #angst prompts #angst prompt #smut prompts #smut prompt #hurt / comfort prompt #hurt / comfort prompts

[romeulusroy]

Hard To Love (Roman Roy Oneshot)

Character/s: Roman

Word Count: 1,210

Inspired By: Puke by Ava Maybee I loveeeee this song

Tag: @locke-writes

A/N: This is definitely for therapy lol I hope no one minds. Ya gurl feels very unlovable atm. Idk. It stems from something someone said to me once, someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally, they said I am hard to love. Of course I forgive them, I love them, but it still stings y'know? Feedback is always appreciated 💜💜💜

Is there something wrong with me? You don't know if you’ve spoken the words or only thought about them. Either way he rocks you both back and forth, arms around you, hushing your fears. Your cheek is pressed against his chest, his heartbeat rapid, playing a tune you can’t quite name. Is there? There must be. Some innate, genetic wrongdoing. Something must be missing from you to make you this way. Sensitive. Forgotten. An easy target. They shoot their arrows into you, through you, but you always come crawling back. Always. The pain, the blood loss, the look in their eyes, none of that matters. You don’t matter. They know they can do whatever they want and you’ll cling to them like a lost child. Because they’re your family. Because they’re supposed to love you unconditionally. But they don’t. And that is not a fault on their part, but your own. You have done something to make them hate you, you have done something to make them turn on you, it is all your fault. You’ve seen them love others the way you have wanted to be loved. You have seen them be so caring, so devoted, so in love with someone it breaks you into pieces. It threatens to undo your very soul. There is something about you that is so undeserving, so unlovable, so broken that they could never fathom treating you that way. They could never see you as something to care for, to give a second thought. 

Is it my fault? No, he fights back, no, no, never. But he’s wrong, biased, blinded. You’ve done a good job fooling him. Everything is. Right? Everything, everyone’s emotions, their well-being, it’s all on you. You take care of them. You heal their wounds. You dry their eyes. And in return, you get nothing. You are forgotten. His arms grow tight around you, together, stronger, as if he thinks holding you will keep your brokenness from showing. Pieces of you slide off his lap, shattering against the ground. You want to fight against him, against his word, but you’re too tired. Exhausted. Tears well up in your eyes, threatening to fall. It can’t be like this every time. You question why you come crawling back every time, hind legs wounded, but you do it. The moment they give you a second of attention, you forget everything that has ever happened. Every unkind word. Every look. Every comment. It sticks into your hair like gum. You are so hard to love. A direct quote. Spoken to you in a moment of fury, of anger. Does that make it any easier to swallow? Does it make it any better knowing it was spoken out of frustration? No. The anger bites back, chewing you to bits and pieces. It is the hard truth, the thing that needed to be said. He knows the sensation, that sinking feeling in the pit of your chest, the expectations you’ve been carrying for this single moment deflating, dying in your arms. 

Why am I so hard to love? You whimpered through the bathroom door. What, what are you talking about? He jiggled the handle, but it wouldn’t budge. You sat with your back against the door, not letting him in. You wanted to, no you needed to be alone. To cry this out. I can’t help you if you won’t let me in. You didn’t want his help though, you didn’t feel worthy of it. You deserved to be alone, to feel alone. You were a burden, a hindrance, something people didn’t want alone. You kept running through the list in your head, all the reasons, the myriad of explanations. If they picked one, just one, maybe you could change it. Fix it. Fix you. Make yourself into something deserving of love. You pressed your face into your crossed arms, feeling small. Insignificant. He slid down to your level, speaking quietly, tenderly. You know whatever they said or did, it’s not on you. No one who loves someone would hurt them like this. Like his father. Like your family. You just shrugged, knowing he can’t see. You weren’t sure why you listened to them, why you let it get under your skin, it just did. Too sensitive, they called it, as if it were a bad thing. As if it were another reason to disregard your tears, your feelings. You never should have gone home, but you missed it, the idea of home. This grand notion that things would be different, they would be different. You always do. Hopeful, he calls it. Fucking stupid, you correct. It's naive of you to think they’d ever change, ever soften, ever share the same heart as you do. As soon as you go back you remember why you left, why you built this little life with him in your home, why you came home crying every time. 

Maybe he should have warned you. He didn’t want to dampen the mood. Roman could see how excited you were, proud to show yourself and all your achievements, no matter how small. Naming every relative, how much you missed them, how long it’s been since you’ve seen them. Maybe he should have gone with you, protected you, becoming your human shield. It wouldn’t have mattered. You wouldn’t have let him get hurt like that. They were smart in their cruelty, knowing just the right insecurities, the right buttons to push to shatter who you are inside. He watched you try on countless outfits, worried they wouldn’t like what you chose, worried you wouldn’t make the best impression. It didn’t matter what you chose in the end, they had enough choice words about your body regardless. Y/n, will you let me in? He asked softly, not moving. You let the question hang in the air, sniffling, letting yourself relax, take deep breaths. He checked your bedroom, the couch, kitchen, every nook and cranny where you might try to hide. This always happens. The disappearing act, the lack of self-worth, the hatred turn in on yourself. It’s them you should be mad at, but you can’t be. You love them too much. You need them too much to think harshly of them. The handle turns, the door creaking open. He moves with open arms which you fall into.  He doesn’t have any jokes to make it better, anything to lighten the mood, he knows better than that. Now, you need comfort. You need soothing and reassurance. Your head against his chest, the rest of you heavy with grief. You go back every time because you want to be loved the way you’re supposed to, the way all the songs and shows and movies promise you: unconditionally. And every time you’re disappointed. Because your life, this life, isn't a movie. It doesn’t have a happy ending. It just keeps going despite the heartache, despite the pain. It threatens to collapse in on you, cave in, when it gets bad. There’s no such thing as unlovable, he says to you, to himself, to the universe. Discarded like a kicked puppy. He can handle it from his father, Gerri, everyone, but you? You don’t deserve that. There’s no such thing as unlovable, he’s sure of it.

#writing #roman roy #roman roy fic #roman roy imagine #roman x reader #succession #succession fic #succession imagine #succession x reader

[allsadnshit]

I'm having such a spiritually and emotionally potent day just so much in my face symbolism that really takes me to a place of trust I usually need so much ushering to get to!!!

The icing on the cake was listening to a podcast episode I skipped over originally because it was about letting go of toxic relationships and I just sort of assumed it would be all about romantic partners BUT then I figured it would probably be applicable to toxic friendships too, which I've been thinking so much about, so I decided to casually listen while doing this huge load of dishes.

Honestly it got me right away being like "I know you think you're being so kind and so good by giving compassion and understanding to someone who's hurting you who you think can do better if you just love them enough, but you're wrong" and I was like alright OUCH

Cause I've been reflecting on my ex best friend and I's relationship that I (pretty obviously) really romanticize as like this soulmate level unbreakable bond and for a long time I told myself it was her boyfriends fault and that SHE would never have done those things to me if he hadn't convinced her...but that's obviously just a lie I tell myself so I don't have to stomach the grief and betrayal of recognizing she was in full control of her choices and actions. There were also so many times before he even came into the picture that she chose to ignore my feelings or boundaries or tried to persuade to have things the way she wanted, and I just always told myself I must be the bad guy cause I'm the one with the temper and ocd and so many things I see as unlovable, vs her who's flaws I always thought were just a harmless result of her pain. I know she isn't sorry and I know she doesn't try to preserve our love in her heart the way I want to, and as I listened to this podcast and really processed it's the right choice to walk away fully from each other and start loving her ONLY in the past tense instead of believing she could change and we could make up... I was gently washing the cup she gave me years ago (that I sometimes avoid using) and it broke right in my hands with little to no pressure being put in it

And I had to laugh I felt so euphoric when it happened. I love signs I am moving in the right direction because I always second guess myself no matter how sincere the feeling!!!

I finished the big load of dishes and I'm going to have a taiwanese oolong tea now and work on the art that matters to me <333

#personal

[slaythespire]

im sorry my tumblr followers who dont know me im mad rn, im just rambling mad under a readmore again thanksss

listen its not that i need to be dating someone im just chilling. in fact rn i would not want to date anyone.

but i HATEEEE HATE seeing people say shit like "You dont need anyone, you should learn to be happy without someone else in ur life! why do you need someone else! just be happy without that!" well damn sue me for wanting someone to deeply love me who i deeply love back!! why is that such a bad thing to want!! obviously if you cant function without being in a relationship that's not good, but people always say that shit to someone going "i feel unlovable and like no one will ever want me" and it feels so meanspirted!! damn!!

its been like almost a year since i got ghosted and i know its annoying to hear people complain abt the same thing over and over again. but its just HARD bcus i feel stupid, and used. i really thought my ex was like, THE person, we talked abt getting married and how we'd combine our last names, abt moving in together, supported each other through everything. when i was in inpatient this person called me almost everyday i was there to say hi and check in on me. i thought my future involved them and then they just dropped me without even an explanation. never in a million billion years did i think that would happen (outside of my bad brain telling me it would, which, well i was right so LOL) bcus they were my best friend of 8 years!!

and its scary bcus it makes me think there must be something wrong with me/"how could anyone ever love me when even the person who dated me for 6 years didnt". and people always say things like "you haven't met everyone who will care about you yet" but what if i have, and my one chance at having a relationship i was so happy in was ruined bcus the other person is a self-obsessed asshole who lied to my face abt so much for who KNOWS what reason. WHATEVER.

i feel like when i make posts like this i come off as an insane person in the "no wonder they broke up with you" way, but i promise im actually normal ive just been very emotionally ripped to shreds by a very bad breakup. barely a breakup bcus it was over TWITTER DM. whatever im just gonna be one of those people that obsesses over fictional characters so much i think were in a relationship.

i just rlly rlly wonder what their reasoning for doing this to me was and if they feel bad abt it. or if they think its funny, or if they just dont care. i also wonder if they think they can just message me one day and apologize and think itll be okay (i dont think this will happen, i used to but i dont anymore)

i lean towards they just dont care, i doubt they even think about what they did lol. i mean i HOPE they feel bad, but i dont think thats true. id be shocked if i ever heard from them again which is just, crazy. 8 years of knowing someone and it ends like that through no fault of your own. i wish i had a screenshot of the break up dm id post it in a heartbeat so anyone who actually read this far would feel whiplash like i do. (filled to the brim with "i love you so much" "i feel horrible for hurting you and i hate that im doing it" "i really care about you" "i hope you stay in my life bcus youre my best friend").

and it makes me really sad bcus OFC we would have stayed friends, i loved them so much that while id be sad abt breaking up i would still want them in my life. (WE EVEN TALKED ABT HOW IF WE BROKE UP WE ALWAYS THOUGHT WE'D STAY FRIENDS). but even in my fantasy world where they reach out after a few years all apologetic and guilty i just couldnt do it anymore.

one more but i don't understand what would compel someone to say all that knowing theyre lying and dont give a fuck about you, like it only comes off as evil and fucked up and cruel to me, so how else am i supposed to take that.

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen. How do I tell my wife I want to divorce? I think she’s not ready to let go of me. I know she’s not gonna take it well. Truth is I’m not ready either. But we also can’t keep this relationship going, we keep going through extremely toxic cycles and we have mutually exclusive needs with regard to place of living. I love her and want the best for her. I also love myself and I know this relationship isn’t good for me either. My mental health is really suffering from knowing that but not being able to initiate the separation. I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know how to prepare. What to expect. Please bless me with your words of wisdom and comfort ❤️

Ps Thank you. You make the internet worth it. You are like family. ❤️

I am coming from experience on this answer. My wife and I stayed together many years because each was unwilling to "hurt" the other by admitting we were no longer(if ever) attracted to each other and there was no passion or love. We were existing as a partnership for the kids, the house, finances and the emotional vulnerability of the other but never once considerering ourselves. In our desperate quest to not hurt the other person we were not recognizing the absolute truth. Neither of us were happy or fulfilled.

The hurt of rejection, of feeling unattractive, unloved was a temporary situation that we should have entered years before either of us gathered the courage to finally just say the truth. When she, the braver of us, finally just said "I don't love you and I am not attracted to you" i felt waves of relief. Even if I had been in love, Even if had physical and emotional attraction to her I would have long ago picked up her undeniable signals that something was not right.

It was scary as hell to break up with kids, the house, and 17 years of memories and AT LEAST knowing I had one person who did know all about me and had stuck around. But we decided on kindness and civility (mostly). We had our anger, our flaws, our moments of mean spiritness but mostly we just tried to untangle it all quickly and in the best interest of our family. The kids told us they were thankful we split. They had sensed the misery almost from when we met them as foster parents.

Even if she is blind sided by your admission (which I doubt she will be) if you care for her you need to give her the opportunity for find fulfillment and love from someone who is on equal emotional grounds with her. The more time you waste the more of her time to find real connection with another is lost. She might or might not find love or companionship again and that is out of your control. But continue to stay and lie about things will certianly stop her, and you, from seeking happiness either alone or partnered. You can control that much.

Say the truth. You aren't happy, something between you and her is missing and for your own well being you need to divorce. Let her know you care for her enough to not keep hanging on to a lie. She deserves the chance to find love that you cannot give her and you deserve to the same.

How she reacts is not your fault and out of your control but that unknown does not justify staying.

Be kind. Make efforts to ease fears that no one is homeless or left with nothing but that staying in the same house or with each other, even as roommates, is a temporary sitiuaton. Set some goals for selling the house, or moving. Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer if you need one. You can do your own "no contest" divorce through your local courthouse but there must be complete agreement in who gets what. You can be gentle with her but you must also protect yourself and your security.

IF she reacts poorly listen to your gut and seek legal counsel. If she reacts well work together but don't let yourself get back into a routine of "we can just put this off". The familiar is often a call to complacency. Don't put off the hard things because you are getting along.

I hope this help. Breaking up with someone who is not the right person if hard but staying until there is resentment or even hate is even harder.

#breakup #lesbian #divorce #love

[dreamcrow]

20 questions

i was tagged by several people (thank you @niemalsetwas, @babblish, and @creativenicocorner), who in doing so have conveniently eliminated many of the people i would have thought to tag myself, haha. let's see... @falling-hand-in-unlovable-hand, @eri-223, @sidhewrites, if you like? plus anyone else who would like to steal.

1.) how many works do you have on ao3?

41 posted; 0 drafts.

2.) what's your total ao3 word count?

189,246. (?!)

3.) what fandoms do you write for?

oh, ask not for whom the hyperfixation tolls. (toa, obviously.) i do have a few fics i've deleted, though, in fandoms i don't currently have any fics for. maybe i should republish them on anon? 🤔

4.) what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

in my sleep i dreamed of waking

all that dazzling dawn has put asunder

it's a lovely day in stricklake month

misc. trollhunters prompts

sophisticated/manipulated

oh...they're (almost) all str/icklake, lol. and so old! is it strange that i feel so disaffected by this? well, probably not. a good lesson in kudos being merely a measurement of "how many times people pushed the kudos button," i suppose.

5.) do you respond to comments? why or why not?

i try to! part of my general attitude of "fandom is a conversation." i worry i don't always have all the spoons to make my replies what i feel they "should" be, but i do always want to convey my gratitude for people taking the time to leave a comment at all.

6.) what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh, that's easy: notstantinoplefic! unfortunately it's not yet approached something even remotely publishable, so that probably means very little. ¯\_( ᐛ )_/¯

other than that...probably the first or second parts of minor arcana. probably the first, more than the second. skrael's chapter ends on something awful but he's about to enjoy a good bit of (however fleeting) catharis; bellroc however doesn't get any closure for what happens in their chapter until they meet nari, a couple centuries later.

7.) what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

...do i have a fic that doesn't have an ultimately happy ending? 😂 oh, i am too soft. even the horrible vicious ancient wizard gods tend to go out with full stomachs, warm beds, and someone on their side.

8.) do you get hate on fics?

i'll not lie: i have glimpsed the occasional drama from over my meticulously-curated rose hedge. but most of it seems to be from children, and for all my various weaknesses, i think i can survive being vagueblogged by people who aren't old enough to vote. if not: my anon is on ╮ (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ╭

9.) do you write smut? if so, what kind?

i am ATTEMPTING. most of the smut i've ever read has left me generally ??? baffled, glazing over, skipping through (without animus) to the next part. again, this is not the fault of the author; it's true even of things i can tell objectively are well-written, titillating, otherwise universally acclaimed. but i enjoy thinking about character exercises, and i am not completely untemptable, so this year i've been trying to make some progress on my longtime agenda of "get the horrible bird wizard railed."

...none of which is terribly apparent given that none of it is published, ofc! but. hopefully. that may change in the not-too-distant future.

10.) do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

tbh i am very picky about crossovers. but i must admit... skraelroc necro/cav au... a man is Considering

11.) have you ever had a fic stolen?

i've had people repost my art, which (as someone who does not think of himself as an even remotely skilled artist) was very surprising. but never fic.

12.) have you ever had a fic translated?

none that i know of.

13.) have you ever co-written a fic before?

the closest i've ever come is probably blue wizard boyfriends, which is inspired by some rp shenanigans between a friend and me. but even so, my take on douxie in that series has diverged quite a bit from hers! so it doesn't really feel like "cowriting."

14.) what's your all-time favorite ship?

as your #1 friendly neighborhood degenerate not-even-actually-incest pornographer, i simply must say: nothing quite hits like a ship you literally invented

15.) what's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

to be completely honest, i do still feel the occasional pang of nostalgia for my gr/avity f/4lls fic. i had a lot of world built for it, a whole sequence/interaction arc for the characters (and not just the couple). unfortunately, even this many years later—even if i never got directly harassed—the nastiness of that fandom has still left a very strong impression on me. it was the first time i think i ever saw a/ntis in action, and i don't think i have any desire to pick that story up again.

16.) what are your writing strengths?

...worldbuilding? present tense, apparently. 😂 i've also been told i have a knack for—ah, how did he put it. understated emotional closeup shots? i think of such kind comments often, haha.

17.) what are your writing weaknesses?

discipline. not using too many semicolons. recently: not using paired adjectives. mainstream fanon. not going back over published work and finding a billion small things to fix (though i'm getting better at this).

18.) thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

...mainly: "you're lucky i didn't make myself learn actual ancient egyptian for all those dumb little skraelroc shmoop fics i keep setting in ancient egypt"

otherwise? i err on the side of under-doing it, but i love doing this. i love seeing this in fic, even if it's not a language i know. it's like a little easter egg!!

19.) first fandom you wrote for?

a very old anime fandom which i will not be revealing on main. probably twenty years ago, at this point. almost certainly on ff.net.

20.) favorite fic you've ever written?

oh, i'm not sorry. i am thinking of minor arcana so often these days, but i really am pretty proud of it. even now, more than a year later! once i have the time to go through and fine-tune everything, i'm going to bind it. it's a very weird fic, probably, but one that is nevertheless (or perhaps because of this?) very dear to my heart.

#q&a #wip tag #ask games #i am emotional! how am i supposed to send emails now

[olivereliocorcordium1983]

You know after all that shit I am very surprised but at the same time not considering the type of person Armie is that they have joint custody of those babies. She put him though absolute hell and he still allowed her to see these kids.

So she better be fucking lucky she even got that because if someone ever did that to me. I wouldn't be able to do it, I don't care if she was the mother of my kids or not.

You don't get to ruin a person entire life and get what you want life don't work that way. but I have a feeling she isn't going to listen to the courts anyway since she is all about herself.

she will still find ways to take pics of them, she will still find ways to bring her BTs around those kids.

But the only thing that I can completely agree on is the no partners around the children until x amount of time. that is seriously important especially for the kids at the age they are.

No parent should be dragging a person they sleep with around their child period. A parent should have their child's interest at heart first instead of their own.

I speak from experience. my parents got divorced when I was 3 years old but my dad cheated on my mom with 18, 19 year olds!!!! while they were still together then left her for one after he emotionally, and verbally abused her.

When I would go to his house he would drag all these women around me (not at one time he isn't Heffner) but whoever he was dating at the time he would drag me around them, I would get attached to them thinking they would stay just for them to disappear months later.

Then I would think it was my fault just for another one to be dragged in and let the same shit happen. when you do this to a child you are teaching them that once people are done with you they will leave you. That you do not care about their feelings and how it's going to effect them in the long run.

As an adult now I've had ex friends and people who I thought were potential partners emotional, verbally abuse me, use me to get whatever they wanted when they met me and then leave just like those women did.

It warped my sense of the world and gave me the attitude to never get close to anyone ever again because they will use you and leave. That people will hurt you intentionally, that no one wanted me.

DO NOT DO THAT TO YOUR CHILDREN. PLEASE.

All children want from the time they are born is YOU. they want to love YOU and be loved by YOU, they want to play with YOU. They are all about YOU. they should never be made to feel unloved, unwanted, and no respected as the person they are all because you think they need another adult in their life, or because you think you need to get your pussy/dick wet. um, no your ass better be all about that baby.

you decided to have one it's your responsibility to take care of it. it's not about you anymore it's all about that baby, and if you're not all about that baby then some of you don't need to be parents.

But narcissistic people don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves and their feelings, how you can make their life better or benefit their life until they have no use for you anymore.

example: my uncle died in 2012 my dad shows up with his new girlfriend and her three children. one of those children being a teenage girl. I am at the hospital with my mom and a few other family members who I have not seen in forever and my dad is sitting there with them.

this teenager puts her hand on my dad's thigh his THIGH we are talking up close to his junk and keeps it there! he does not move her hand, he does not tell her stop as adults should do when something inappropriate is going on. he LETS HER DO THIS!

fast-forward to the funeral my dad sits up at the front with this bitch and I sit in the back with my mom, my ex stepmom, my half sisters (yes he did that too one before marriage one after no I was never invited to the wedding though I wouldn't have gone anyway cuz that's not my thing.) and he comes to where we are sitting and acknowledges my half sisters but doesn't say anything to me.

Then when it comes time to go to the grave sight and lay my Tio to rest. my stepmom was like "go hug your dad" so I go over there and do it thinking something will change and it doesn't.

it's like hugging a brick wall and he looks at me and goes "Birthname say hi." meaning say hi to my new girlfriend.

very sarcastically I look at this woman and I say "hi" what I wanted to say was "hi I'm the first kid that he doesn't care about so... if you honestly think he gives a damn about you, you're gonna learn your just another play thing for him to play with until he tries to mold you into whatever he wants you to be and throw you away.

Come to find out guys, HE NEVER TOLD THIS WOMAN ABOUT ME! SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I EXISTED! AT ALL UNTIL SHE SAW ME AT THE FUNERAL!

and I say all of this because what Liz did to her children pissed me the fuck off. I don't give a damn if you are "lonely" or you think you are "lonely" YOU ARE NOT LONELY BITCH!!!! YOU HAD TWO BEAUTIFUL BABIES WHO WANT YOUR LOVE AND ATTENTION!!!

From the moment the divorce got final and even while they were going through that shit she should have never had partners that is basically your time to be alone and spend your time with your kids, to be 100% about them.

To teach them how to be a decent human being, to teach them they are loved and that they are cared about by you and that they are your everything. not to drag your children into your adult bullshit all because you don't want to be lonely!

That is why I don't feel sorry for her, why I don't have any ounce of respect for her and don't care what happens to her as a person. She used Armie, she uses those babies and now karma has bitten her in the ass and is going to eat her up Good fucking riddens!

[bittercandysweetrain]

Tokyo revengers x reader with mental illness Draken {Pt1}

Illness - Bipolar disorder 

(warning mention of suicide, drug use) 

(y/n)'s pov - I am Bipolar I've had it for a long time now. I hate people who romanticize it like it's such a dream to have. They love the intensity of it they love the mania because they love excitement. that's why movies always have those doped up people their life like there is no tomorrow. As if it's something so simple to handle but it’s exhausting. it's tiring to be in your own skin, the best I can describe it is having a high nothing can compare to. you feel Invincible have you ever seen a picture of a club aesthetic a hazy picture or a person dancing and having fun the night will never end. you do things and say things that could be very unintentional your not thinking of the next day you make promises you can’t keep. To do things you regret fucking who you want putting yourself in danger cause it gives you a rise and your at the highest peak of everything you could ever reach. and suddenly you crash hard falling from the heavens you become this person you don't even know. smiling hurts, laughing hurts, being awake hurts. constant thoughts of how worthless I am fill my mind, I am unloved, unwanted, alone, and I deserve to sleep forever or die. seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks turn into one giant mix up that I don't keep track of. Did I sleep for two days? was I awake for four? did I shower? did I eat? am I alive? that's all I feel but amongst all that I wish people would understand It isn't a decision it's not like I wanted this, I can't just make it go away.

Author's pov - (y/n) walked next to Inui dressed nicely it had been the first time in a while that she had been out. suffering from her lows for four months now she finally started to hit her highs. "Where are you taking me Inui?" she asked "I want you to meet someone," he said "eh? why?" she asked "because he is my friend and you owe him an apology," he said. "an apology for what?" she asked clicking her arms with his "for punching him on new years eve." Inui said "New years? I didn't punch anyone the hell are you talking about I was dancing with someone had a few drinks made snow angels snowball fight and Uh?" "let me correct you before the 31st you went on a drinking binge remember you got kicked out of 2 clubs. I told you to meet me on the rooftop for the new years eve party you came high on coke yes you were dancing and it was all fun until you wanted to dance on the edge of the rooftop. Draken pulled you down twice and the second time you were mad and punched him in the face. After you made snow angels in the parking lot. tried trading your panties for mitsuya's bike which you ended up stealing. you didn't get far but yes we had a snowball fight until you threw a shoe at takemichi and bruised his eye." he said "also you got mouthy with Mikey you called him a midget" he said before showing up to the Garage.

Draken opened the door seeing Inui and (y/n) "Hell no" he said trying to close the door "wait she is here to apologize" Inui said. (y/n) crossed her arms "I never said I was" she said "(y/n)" Inui gave her a warning tone (y/n) sighed she loved inui he was her best friend and the only one who stuck around in her moments "Okay, okay." she said Draken let the two in Inui sat down on the couch while (y/n) took a look around at the photos and stuff. Draken walked over with some drinks setting them down on the table "(y/n)" Inui called over he usually acted like a older brother sometimes a father when need be. (y/n) walked over sitting next to him "well Inui tricked me to come here but I will apologize for" she dragged the word on as she looked at Inui trying to remember what she did wrong. "punching him in the face on new years eve." he said, "Punching you in the face on new years eve even though it is your fault" (y/n) said. Draken stared at her blankly. "how was it my fault? I was just trying to keep you from falling over the damn railing" Draken said sternly. "so" (y/n) said "so?" Draken asked "who cares if I would have fallen" she said. "Do you really think no one would care." Inui looked down getting up his hand and bawled into a fist. slamming his hand on the nearby wall "h-how could you say something like that I would fucking care!" he shouted, "if you died I would definitely care your my best friend!" he shouted, "we have so many memorable days spent together!" he shouted before pausing he looked at her empty eyes just she gave him a sweet smile to reassure him "your not in your highs yet are you." he asked (y/n) remained silent as she sipped her hot drink. Draken glanced at Inui he had heard many stories about (y/n) especially when it came to him dealing with her depressive episodes. "I wouldn't want you to die" Draken said as he sipped his own drink "honestly even though you punched me it was nothing really, I've been punched countless times you made that night pretty memorable." he said with a smile "Inui always talks about you and that night wasn't the first time I met you. we actually clubbed together a few times that's why I didn't want you to fall it would be really boring you remind me of someone I use to hang out with all the time. you kind of took his place and it made me really happy." draken said

(y/n)'s pov - Sometimes the haze can make your brain foggy. Like with the time jumbling all together everything around me did as well. I thought I was getting better I was looking forward to those highs. I wanted to die, I really did I was blindly following Inui cause I don't have the strength to make my own decisions. this man who I don't remember who do I feel different I feel content around you Draken who are you?

#Tokyo Revengers #draken #mental illness

[ilikeyoshi]

sorry i'm having a bad day anyway so now you get to watch me get pissed off about the infinitely less important thing because it's easier to talk about: i fucking HATE shit like that last post. i don't care. nobody cares. and if you DO care i am, as sincerely and genuinely as i can, asking you to get the fuck over yourself. this stupid social media attitude of "you didn't reblog it from me :(" "you missed my post i tagged you in do you hate me :(" made my anxiety a million times worse for YEARS and it's still one of the lingering problem areas. i HAVE to catch up with my dashboard every day because i used to have friends who ACTUALLY SENT ME MESSAGES ASKING IF I HATED THEM because i didn't see a post they tagged me in.

this is like. as unhinged as "you didn't laugh at the joke i made on the other side of a crowded room, do you hate me?" if this is a thing your anxiety does to you i am BEGGING YOU to fight it and recover from it. this is deranged fucking behavior. this is exactly how you fulfill the "everyone always leaves" anxiety prophecy—it's not because people hated your post, it's because people hated how you're always accusing them of hating YOU.

and i know, i KNOW how hard it is when anxiety is telling you everything that ever happens is proof that you're unlovable, but sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, as someone who was PSYCHOLOGICALLY HARMED by too many people giving in to their sickness and treating me like the worst person on the planet because of it, you NEED to get the fuck over it. you NEED to work on this and get help, or you WILL keep losing friends. NOT BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE YOU. but because when you let anxiety make you constantly ask people if they secretly or unspokenly hate you, what you're DOING is TELLING THEM you think nothing they ACTUALLY SAY OR DO for you is real, and that you believe it's ALL FAKE and they HATE YOU. it DOES NOT MATTER if you don't mean it this way, that's WHAT YOU'RE DOING. and nothing hurts more than giving your heart to a friend just to be told your words and actions will NEVER be enough, they'll ALWAYS assume you secretly want to hate them and ruin their life. THIS is what drives people away. you NEED to fight the urge to succumb to this. you NEED to heal this.

look. i have debilitating anxiety too, and it used to be this bad. i know where you're at. you're sick. it's not your FAULT you're sick. but that DOES NOT MEAN we can just GIVE UP and let our sickness run rampant and control our lives. you will hurt people you love this way. being sick means accepting it's not your fault and accepting that you have to fight through it and try to heal anyway. we can't just let it ruin our lives or expect others to 100% forgive everything we do because of it, because the thing is, our sickness HURTS OTHERS TOO. it makes US hurt them, and then tells us IT didn't make us hurt them, but THEY hurt US. most people cannot handle "your symptoms make you believe i am the bad guy" forever, particularly when you're leaning INTO those symptoms instead of fighting against them. they will leave. and it will NOT be for the reasons anxiety told you it was.

and listen, despite all this, despite this cruel and vicious cycle, you DESERVE FRIENDS. you DESERVE to feel safe in your relationships. but there is not a human person on this planet who can just GIVE that to you. when anxiety is corrupting your own mind this badly, the way out is to FIGHT IT. you have to HEAL, so that anxiety can't keep RUINING YOUR LIFE. you are not unlovable. most of those people who left you STILL LOVE YOU. but you cannot ask someone to love you while constantly telling them you don't believe them forever. they will leave to protect THEMSELVES. they will leave because you've let your anxiety hurt them too.

i still cannot fucking handle missing posts. i cannot handle being friends with people who TELL ME i missed their post. i'm trying to heal from this too, but i need you to understand that this is why i would've left. you let your anxiety hurt others long enough, and they get sick too. we have to fight for ourselves and each other. we deserve love and safety, and anxiety seeks to deny us that. it will, if we don't fight for it.

#yoshi talks

[sapphic-courtship-for-dummies]

Is it awful that I kind of wish a wlw would flirt with me in real life. I just got broken up with just over a week ago and I am absolutely not ready to move on, but I feel like the validation would help my confidence right now.

It's not awful at all! In fact it's incredibly normal and human to crave affection, and especially in person because we are social and physically intimate creatures by nature--especially after a traumatic event like that when you're feeling especially vulnerable. I'm really sorry for the incredibly late response; if I recall correctly, I was going through it myself when you sent this. In fact, that was just a few weeks before I was broken up with too, so, I was right there with you.

The first thing I'll say is that it's no wonder you weren't ready to move on, it hadn't been more than two weeks! And even if it had been a month or six, or if you're still grieving even now, then that is perfectly okay. It takes time, and everyone heals and grows at their own pace. I know being dumped can deal a blow to your sense of self worth, that it can make you feel like this means you're unlovable, or unwanted. But that's all that those are: feelings. They are not truths. They are not set in stone. Your feelings will change, can change, if you let them, if you allow yourself to shift your perspective.

It took me months to feel somewhat normal again, and over a year for it to really sink in that it was over, and that I was okay with that. You need that time to reflect and take a step back, to realize all the things that were not your fault, along with the things that you can do better in the future. Not only are your self worth and ability to be loved not dependent on this person, those things are not dependent on anyone. Those things are inherent. They are always there. But even if someone else does try to show you that, you are not going to feel that way unless you allow yourself to. Unless you make the choice to see it, open yourself up to it, and find it in yourself.

Confidence does not come from relying on other people's opinion's of you. True confidence comes from within. And I am not saying that it's easy, because Goddess knows it's not. And I'm not saying that having friends/family/other people remind you of your greatness isn't helpful, because it is. It's very important to have a support system that can uplift you when you need it--to surround yourself with those who love you unconditionally and not just see your beauty but celebrate it as well. But, speaking from experience, that won't help you very much if you don't believe them, if you don't trust and try to see what they see in you.

You might not have this problem at all, and I might just be rambling, but I'd just like to remind folks that you can cultivate this love and feeling of worth for yourself. It's not easy at first, and it does take time and effort and practice, but it can be done. (It also gets easier with practice.) And even though you may still crave intimacy and affection from others, you will no longer rely on them to feel worthy, to feel wanted, to feel loved. Because you are, have always been, and will always be these things no matter what. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. So I hope that at least one day you'll be able to see this and feel it for yourself, and know it as I know it to be the truth.

(Sorry not sorry for this being a long answer, I have a lot of feelings about it. >.<)

You are forever loved, and are never, ever alone.

Earnestly and eternally,

Sappho ❤️

#old asks #asks #anons #advice #breakups #break up #self worth #self love #confidence #self compassion #grieving #healing #wlw #sapphic #queer #lgbt #lgbt+ #lgbtq #lgbtq+

[badnew2005]

GETTING DEEP (i feel guilty for my thoughts and urges All of the time) IM OUT IF MY DEPTH AT A PUBLIC BEACH (i’m drowning. the storms out of control. i never learnt the weather (that was gods job!) why is it Up To Me WHY IS IT ME please i did. So Good God why are you doing this to me why am i being tested like this. if there was a god there’s no way he would make me queer. He Wouldn’t Do That To Me. not after all of this. there are Two Guys in this church who are GAY. whose the other guy. i don’t get the joke. he’s never gonna get it) I NEVER LISTENED I HAD TO SEE FOR MYSELF (i never listened. i tried i tried so hard. to be good. to be loveable. everyone can see it, that you hate me that you made me queer. i think i hate you too. i’m sorry. i know that’s why you’re testing me like this i’m sorry i tried to be better i tried to be a good follower to do everything you wanted. i just wanted someone to Like me. ive been asking for too much. going to their door I’m Here to convert you to fix you. standing in a storm begging god for a sign. i’m doing gods work. you can’t convert me no i’m stronger than that. i just Had to go see for myself. i wasn’t as strong as i thought)

ITS COMING IN WAVES SHOOTS THROUGH MY MIND LIKE A PINBALL STRAYED (i feel guilty every day i can’t get rid of those thoughts anymore the doubt the hatred the love the list every sin imaginable. throwing a party in my head. i’ll invite you god but i’m afraid you won’t come) FRIENDLY FIRE POINTBLANK (i should have done more with the gang. they’ve led me astray it’s Their Fault Not mine. i tried my best. i should have had a bible in the bar. in every room. we should have gone to church) SLAT IN MY LUNGS (no it’s my fault i cant blame them i shouldn’t blame them i know i’m sorry) HOLDING MY BREATH MAKING PEACE WITH MY INEVITABLE DEATH (this storm is going to drown me. it’s going to leave my body an unrecognisable mangled wreck. and nobody’s coming to the funeral. and nobody will pick me up afterwards and take me home. i’m going to die. there’s no surviving this. there’s no safe way out of the storm. mac almost drowning in the middle of this war the gang being thrown into purgatory for their sins mac walking in on his own accord to tell them he’s gay. he’s still seeing it as a sin. and that he’s turned his back on god. there was no way to live as Both gay and christian in his mind. jesus isn’t going to listen to us he’s just not cause we’re bad people. if he’s going to listen to anyone it will be mac. mac you’ve been talking to him your whole life he knows you mac he doesn’t even know who i am. save us. there’s no god! if i’m gay then there is no god. the gang deciding to drown in the brig on their own choice. dying together holding hands. mac nodding and reassuring dennis. holding hands with charlie “let’s go be with the gang” let’s die together as a group. he was prepared to drown in that storm, but at least he had the gang by his side. mac being the last person saved out of the sinking ship. the door opening the heavens shining the gang kicking and fighting their way up leaving mac the believer who saved them to drown. mac trying to pull them all back down. making peace with my inevitable death making peace going to hell with the gang. he can’t face god after what he’s done. immediately telling ‘the police’ he’s not gay because they got saved and that proved god was real and God Was Listening To Him. i’m not gay i’m not gay IM NOT GAY)

I GUESS I DID ALRIGHT CONSIDERING (mac turning to religion because of his parents neglect just wanting Someone to like him. Some form of comfort and contact with the world. Trust and Faith in Something else. something to blame something to explain why everyone treated bim like they did. surely i didn’t start out unloveable. someone will come along one day (it’s been too many one days at this point. only charlie dennis dee and frank have shown up. they still don’t like me really, just can’t get rid of me.) ronald macdonald destined to grow up a lonely clown. begging for a god to love him. i hate you god and i hate you dad i hate you mom are the same sentences. and its blasphemy to say any of them. i know i didn’t deserve that love who am i kidding myself i’ve always been weird and annoying i think they could all see the queer problem raging within me. i want to be able to hate you all. charlie dennis dee and frank included) TRIED TO BE A HALFWAY DECENT FRIEND WOUND UP A BAD COMEDIAN AN HONEST FOOL WITH MORE BAD HABITS THAN YOU CAN COUNT ( my friends don’t actually like me. they just can’t get rid of me i’m just There. i’m not going to leave i’ll cling onto this hatred because at least it’s Some form of human connection forever. it’s all i’ve got. i know i don’t deserve anything better and i’m selfish asking for it. but i cant stop begging. that’s just the sinner in me i guess. relentless. i TRIED to be good to be likeable but they’re sick of me anyways. they only keep me around to laugh at. to have something to make themselves feel better about. hey at least i’m not mac! i don’t think i’ve gone longer than a few hours without a drink since i was a child. since we all met. since i found god. is god at the bottom of this bottle or is it the devil is the booze what’s putting these thoughts in my head. a punishment for my gluttony. i’ll never find out. there’s too many bottles to search through)

THERE WE WERE WAS ANYONE EVER SO YOUNG (cat loves mac forever. we were so Young. and already miserable) BREAKING CURFEW WITH ILLEGAL FIREWORKS (doing anything and everything to get attention from your parents. screaming look at me look at me. even if it’s with hate and anger and violence. just see me. i never stopped being a baby screaming at the top of his lungs for love and affection) UNPACKIN GOD IN THE SUBURBS (charmac meeting the twins getting introduced and invited into their upper middle class lives. trying to argue about god insulting everything he’s done for them. at least i don’t have money tempting me to a life of sin. but dennis himself introducing a temptation now unable to be swatted away. the storm rages)

IM SWIMMING BACK (i’m learning how to control the storm. to find the eye of the tornado. understanding how the rain helps things grow. i think i’m growing. i don’t want to drown. saving myself because i’ve learnt there’s no lifeguards looking out for me. i’m going to survive. i’m gay.) SEE YOU DONT HAVE TO MAKE IT BAD JUST CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW (dennis you can just go back in Go Back In GO BACK IN. no i think i’m out now. i didn’t get swallowed by the wave. i learnt to ride my own melt. you’ve been begging me to come out for years and now i have you cant take this away from me you can’t make it about you. i’m not moulding my life around what makes you comfortable. you’re gayer than me and ten times the sinner i’m not going to keep repenting for your mistakes anymore. i’m not killing myself just to give you my blood and heart. we made the closet our home and you blindfolded me, span me around and kicked me out of a moving plane. but i’m swimming back. with or without you.)

WRITING THE WORDS TO THE WORST LOVE SONG YOUVE EVER HEARD (but i love you. i’ll never stop. even with all this anger and pain and misery. i’ll love you forever. in every way there is (i’m finding new paths and new lives). i carved out a place for two and it’s empty without you. i’m not going to wait for you to learn to swim but there will always be a beach towel next to me, a life ring thrown into the water, a lifeboat if you drown. i’ll always be a lighthouse for you. i hope you can follow me out of the water.) SOUNDING OUT THE FOREIGN CHARACTERS (everything’s different and the Same after the storm. finding peace in the middle. a rainbow after the flood. i don’t know how to be this new person i don’t know if i feel very Proud yet. but i’m trying) AN INCANTATION LIKE AN ANTICURSE (mac being the only one in the gang gets cursed to Not be cursed. just his own behaviour and actions. coming out, having his emotional evolution. the storms been lifted. i’m not longer cursed. and as long as it keeps me safe and happy i won’t stop saying it out loud) OR EVEN A BLESSING (my religion and my sexuality are at war. but i’m not in the middle of it anymore. i avoided the draft! i signed my own peace treaty. and it didn’t solve every problem in my life but. i can breathe again)

#anti curse

[moonstruckme]

hi lovely, i am sorry for messaging you i just need a place to ramble and it feels safe to do it here, please feel free to ignore it and i hope you have a good day <3

i've been feeling a little down lately to be honest i am not sure what's going on with me, i've been just feeling lonely i guess. all those people around me get into relationships and all and i am just- here with no interest from anyone. it just makes me feel like i am the uglier one in my friendship, like i am unlovable. i am almost 20 and i didn't even kiss anyone yet and i feel like i am missing out but at the same time i feel helpless. i don't wanna be single forever but it feels like that's what i am gonna be

Note: this got so long, sorry! I had a lot to say haha

Hi sweetness, please don't apologize! I'm glad you feel like you can vent here and I'm so sorry you're feeling down :(

I know it sounds silly and a bit obvious, but there's no time limit on those experiences. I didn't have my first kiss until a few months ago, and I was really insecure about it. It felt like everyone I knew had "gotten it over with" when we were fourteen or fifteen, but I later came to find out that it's a lot more common than I thought to wait until later! Several of my good friends (which is to say, people that I might not have found this out about if we weren't close) haven't kissed anyone before, and we're all in our early twenties. I've also never been in a relationship, and on my sadder days have felt like people just don't see me as "relationship material." But the older I get and the more of my friends I see going through the same thing, the less true that feels. I know my friends to be beautiful and loveable, so I know this lack of romantic love is (while still a mystery to me) definitely not their fault. I think that reasoning applies to all of us.

Nineteen feels so young to me now (I say from the ripe old age of twenty two), and while I can't promise with 100% certainty that you'll be in a relationship soon, you definitely have plenty of time to get there. I can tell you without even knowing you personally that you are loveable, not only because you seem like a sweet and kindhearted person, but also because you have friends and maybe also family who cares about you. Romantic love is far from the only kind (or even the most gratifying kind) of love, and especially at our age, so many people are still trying to figure out who they are and may not have figured out who they want to love in that way yet. It's not a reflection of you. Lots of the time, I think it's just dumb luck.

I don't think there's any right way to go about these things, and you can only really find the way that works for you through experience, but I'd caution you against rushing into a relationship because you're feeling lonely. I only say that because I've had friends get into relationships for that reason and later regret it when they find they've attatched themselves so hurriedly to someone they don't even really like all that much. You are more than enough sweetheart, and whether you choose to be by yourself for the time being or you do find someone to be with romantically, that fact will not change. You are lovely, and kind, and deserving of love in each of its forms.

Sorry this got so long, but I hope you start to feel better soon honey. Also, I recently read Dolly Alderton's memoir called Everything I Know About Love and found it really interesting and insightful, so I'd recommend it if that's your thing. Hope your day gets better sweetheart <3

#mae's asks

[bellarkeandclintashaandsuch]

I finally watched episodes 1-4 of Only Friends. I think it’s a show that’s well done, well acted, well directed, pretty, etc. But I don’t like any of these couples. So please feel free to ignore the rest of this while I ramble. I just need to get this out. I do like the show! It’s very entertaining!

And I do like Sand and Ray. But I prefer Ray and Mew. How do they want me to watch Ray calling Mew, crying, to tell him he loves him, seconds away from killing himself, and not expect me to ship them? Insane. And for Mew to say he’ll never abandon Ray, only for Ray to end up drinking in a bathtub again, feeling abandoned. Unforgivable, show. ☹️

Here’s my bad opinions because my brain doesn’t want me to just be happy and enjoy the messy, sexy show, so please don’t take offense or take it too seriously. I swear my brain likes to undermine my enjoyment of television.

Nick is creepy. Looking through his customer’s phone. Wiretapping his FWB’s car. Playing the tape of two people having sex for his roommate. At least he acknowledges that he’s nasty, I guess.

Ton is messing with Ray, Mew, and Top. Mew and Ray are supposed to be his friends. Mew does not deserve that. And I’m not sure how much Ton and Cheum know about Ray almost killing himself, or if they just know he was in a bad place, but if Ton does know, that’s really messed up for him to manipulate Ray like that and open him up to being rejected again if he knows Mew already rejected him once and that Ray is really sensitive to feeling unloveable and like a burden. I do still enjoy watching Ton try to manipulate people, though.

Top gives me such a smarmy feel. I don’t know if he’s supposed to, though. Or if that’s just a me problem. Like it’s hard for me to believe that he really does like Mew, but I think I am supposed to believe that. But the audacity of him telling Mew he has nothing to hide when he just slept with one of Mew’s friends is hilariously awful. And he slept with Ton because of a photo of Mew kissing Ray two years ago. And didn’t even bother to talk to Mew first. Also throwing out one packet of drugs does not mean you’ve quit.

Cheum seems great. Although she was a little pushy with Mew having a boyfriend. But she’s cute with her gf.

Sand, I do love. He’s great. My only issue with him is that he was mad at Ray for leaving to help Mew. Disappointed, sad, let down, that’s understandable. But would you really want to be with someone who prioritizes having sex with you over helping a friend who has nowhere to spend the night? But overall he’s great. And him not like Top is a strike against Top.

Mew, I also love. I don’t get what he sees in Top, though. And in terms of his list of requirements. Ray, yes, did kiss him in his sleep. But he apologized and does feel bad genuinely and he really does respect Mew. He is Mew’s friend and gets along with all his other friends. And I thought the only secret he was keeping was his crush on Mew, but Mew already knew that. So ✔️✔️✔️ Whereas, Top does not respect him, or he would’ve talked to him about Ray before having sex with Ton. Ray hates Top, so as Mew’s most beloved friend, that’s another fail. And he definitely has secrets. So ❌❌❌ So if you want a rich boy, Mew… also of course, Ray was wrong to kiss Mew. But separately from that event, over the past two years, I do think that Mew (and Ton and Cheum) should take more care in general with Ray, knowing his mental health history. I don’t think it’s reasonable of Mew to expect their friendship can be the same as it was, at least until he knows for a fact that Ray has moved on. So I don’t he should be calling Ray his most beloved friend or be as affectionate with Ray or talk to him about how happy he wants Ray to be, knowing how Ray feels. That sucks from Mew’s perspective, but he has to know that’s not helping Ray get over him. That’s just going to make it hurt more when he turns him down again. It’s not Mew’s fault that he feels that way, but Mew shouldn’t expect that nothing will change. But then again, after promising to never abandon him, if Ray and Mew ended up not being as close, I would have murder in my heart. So either way is a lose-lose for me. Also it was cruel of him to say Top is the first person to make his heart tremble. Hon, just say, yep really like him. And it’s not nice of him to keep trying to push Ray on Sand to make himself feel better about not liking Ray back. But more broadly, Mew, Ton, and Cheum go out drinking all the time with their friend who clearly has a drinking problem, and also apparently, a drug addiction and they just pawn him off on each other, knowing he feels like a burden. His mental health isn’t their responsibility, but maybe they could consider inviting Ray to some events that don’t involve drinking and partying once in a while.

And Ray. Ray is my favorite. My poor (in all but money), sad, lonely, lovestruck boy. I adore him. He’s always smiling, but dead inside. He has no one but Mew to be his emergency contact, even though he talks about his dad often. I can’t blame him for loving Mew. He feels like a burden to everyone, thinks everyone hates him, and Mew is over here giving him sun themed keychains and telling him he brings brightness, that he’s a ray of sunshine. How do you not fall in love? And it has to hurt to see that the person Mew is falling for is so much like him, except worse. I think he genuinely likes Sand, too. But I just don’t think it would work. Because he seeks Sand out when he’s upset about Mew. And that’s just not fair to Sand or Ray himself.

In conclusion, I think the best way to go is RayMewSand, even though I just said Ray and Sand wouldn’t work (Mew does seem to pay a lot of attention to Sand, calling him lovely [jealous of not having Ray’s attention perhaps? 🤫]) to make everyone (me) happy. And also TonTop so they don’t inflict their garbage on anyone else. And Nick gets no one because he does have sad eyes, but I draw the line at looking through a customer’s personal photos and masturbating to them to boot.

#only friends #only friends the series #feel free to ignore all this #mew x ray #ray x mew #I know I should stop watching #it’s not bad though is the problem #it’s just not what I want #because I’m very picky #watch ray change his emergency contact at the end #I’ll be so mad #let friendship win #I know they won’t end up together so #I’m in this for ray and mew’s friendship #and the other two #and also now I just want so many other couples to lead shows #neo and drake #neo and force #khao and book #first and anyone #I really did enjoy watching #I just do not ship what they want me to ship #but I’m here for the friendship #hopefully that pulls through 🥺 #long post #you know what? bring back drake’s character #maybe ton should end up with him #I also don’t know what others think of the show because I’ve been avoiding spoilers but I assume it’s doing well