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minervadashwood · 1 year

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Daryl Dixon x NB!Reader (afab, plus-size) 🏹 Daryl x Reader x Rick 🛡️

The Cop and the Criminal - Chapter 14

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Series Masterlist |Masterlist | Taglist

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Summary: Merle and Ro/Jesus have a fight. You and Daryl deal with the aftermath. This chapter contains: Some Merle x Jesus time. Implied smut, drug use, men with emotional constipation. Word count: 3K Note: Thanks to the DDC, you know who you are. Also of note, next chapter is almost ready, and it has plenty of you and Daryl, plus some of you and Rick. (at least that's the plan)

Ro was good at reading people, a skill honed from years of bouncing around foster and group homes. He was slow to trust, and slower to love, even his friends. You’d been the most constant person in his life, and somehow he’d let that happen over emails and voice chats. The physical distance made him more comfortable with opening up. Still, he kept his secrets, even from you.

Fourteen minutes past 1 AM, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He was counting out wads of cash on his coffee table, adding up the night’s profits and deciding what he needed to get for Saturday night. He kept his circle of clients small and never sold more than a single person should take at a time. Never dealt in the really hard stuff, either. Just weed, uppers, downers, and the occasional acid trip.

He wrote the dollar amount on his notepad and answered the phone.

“Hey, big guy.” Ro leaned back on his couch, adjusting his pants as the voice of a tipsy redneck spoke into his ear. “Whachu up to, Jay-sus?” The man drew out the nickname into long syllables. Ro should hate it, he really should.

But he didn’t.

“Just wrapping up for the night. You?”

“I’s out here ‘bout to freeze my damn balls off. Got some of that new strain I was tellin’ ya ‘bout. Down ‘ere waitin’ fer ya.”

“‘Kay.” Ro hung up the phone and ran his hand over his face. How the hell had this become his Friday night routine?

It was, quite frankly, annoying, all this routine. Yet, he still took the elevator down the seven floors to the lobby, let the big guy in, and escorted him back upstairs.

Ro had just locked the door, before quickly turning around to face his guest. Without thought, he grabbed a hold of the redneck’s leather vest, dragging him down for a sloppy, hurried kiss. All the redneck did was chuckle and try to bite Ro’s lip. Then the larger man shoved his way out of Ro’s hold and sauntered through the apartment like he owned the place.

Ro stood in the entryway, listening to the faucet turn on for what seemed like an hour, but was only a few minutes. The redneck appeared again, sans vest and scrubbed clean from the neck up. A few weeks ago Ro complained about the synthetic pheromones, and ever since then, his weekly guest had been washing off the smell before getting down to business.

The big guy swaggered across the room, smelling like Ro’s body wash and leather. The younger man had always preferred other betas to alphas or omegas, regardless of their gender. Omegas were too clingy and alphas too controlling. And while the redneck might be pretending he was an alpha to the world, Ro knew the truth.

Merle let Jesus make the first move again. It felt real good having this young buck chasing after him, even if it was just once a week for a couple of hours. No one else in the world knew Merle’s secret designation, but here it was all laid out. Merle didn’t have to hide or hem and holler like he would’ve with someone else. Here, he could just be.

Jesus led him to the bedroom, and that’s when Merle stopped pussyfooting and took charge, throwing the lithe man on the bed and climbing on top of him. Jesus had a nice body, firm and flexible. He looked like a damn string bean with all those loose clothes on, but it was clear Jesus took care of himself. Some kay-rah-tay shit Merle didn’t bother remembering the name of.

It made the boy wily as hell, too, but Merle kept up, especially after he’d popped a blue pill and a couple of uppers. He kept up real good.

Later, when they were still undressed and passing a joint back and forth, Merle let his mouth run while pretty-boy pretended to be tired. That’s how this would go until Merle talked himself down from his high and fell asleep, in all his naked glory. With Jesus spooning him from behind.

He liked how this was working out between the two of them. Like having someone else in the pack almost. Jesus was good at looking out for you when him and Daryl weren’t around, and it’d be fine and dandy if Jesus became part of the pack, too. All official-like. He’d ever be a Dixon, but he could help make the pack strong, especially when you started popping out them pups. He’d need a hand taking care of all them nieces and nephews, especially when you went into heat--when you and Daryl wouldn’t know up from down for 3-5 days every few months.

Yeah, this could be real good.

Much to Merle’s frustration, Jesus wasn’t laying down like a fully satisfied man. Merle knew he’d done his job right; Jesus shouldn’t have a damn thing to complain about. Yet, here he was, sitting up and staring down at Merle, his eyes all squinty and his jaw set.

Not a good look, all told. Jesus was best when he was smirking or coming, and that was a fact.

“Got yer panties in a bunch?” Merle drawled. He offered the joint, but Jesus shook his head.

“I don’t like this.”

Merle shrugged, ignoring the hard knot forming in his belly. “More fer me then.”

“It’s not the joint, Merle, and you know it.”

“Best say whachu mean, boy.” Merle waved a dismissive hand, his limbs going tense as that familiar rage bubbled to life inside him.

“This.” Jesus gestured between them. “You’re always doing this. Every fucking Friday night. Never asking what I want, just assuming I want it.”

Still riding high from the double dose of amphetamines he’d taken, Merle got himself out of that bed in a flash. “Yer the one all over me, soon as I walk in the door, ya fuckin’ fairy. Can’t keep your damn hands offa me.”

Merle put out the joint on the bedpost and flicked it into Jesus’s face. “Ya don’ like it? The hell with ya!”

Merle stormed out of the room, resisting the urge to punch that stupid fuck in his stupid fucking face.

Where the hell did that kid get off, talking to him like that? After all Merle had done for him? Coming over every Friday when Jesus was all lonely and shit. What college kid didn’t party his lights out on Friday night? Not any with good friends. Hell, Merle always found a banging place to light up and move product. But he’d been calling it a night early, just to drag his ass over to this boring-as-fuck campus and keep Jesus company.

Fuck that. This would be the last Paul Rovia ever laid eyes on Merle Dixon. He wouldn’t give that puny punk the satisfaction.

He stumbled his way down the few flights of stairs to your place and banged on the door until some other college kid down the hall said something about you going away for the weekend with your mate.

The fuck was the world coming to, now? He hadn’t seen his goddamned brother going on six weeks, but you saw him all the time. Now you were probably shacked up with him down at that job of his.

He got himself downstairs and out of the building real fast. That kid in the hallway could’ve already called the cops on him.

Outside, it was raining cats and dogs, and he was pissed off and soaked to the bone when he started up his Triumph.

It was high time to pay his little brother a visit.

A loud pounding on the outside door startled Daryl awake. You were curled up against him, head on his chest. He reached over to his phone, already cursing the impatient tennant on his doorstep.

“What’s wrong?” you mumbled, nestling into his side.

The time on his phone said two AM, and it sure felt like it was. But he didn’t have any calls or messages. Daryl realized it was raining hard, the muffled sound hitting the rooftop and the window at the head of the bed.

“Daryl?” you murmured.

He opened his mouth to answer you, but then the shouting started. So loud that it carried up to the second floor.

What in Christ’s name was Merle doing here?

“‘S nothin’, Bubbie. Go back to sleep.” To put it mildly, you were not a morning person. It took you a good 15-20 minutes to get close to coherent after waking up. Daryl had woken up with you enough times to know. You hated talking until you’d had your first cup of coffee, but after that you were right as rain.

“You sure?”

“Mmmhmm.” Daryl kissed your forehead and got out from under the covers. Like you, he was naked as a jaybird, so he found some pants and a t-shirt before making his way downstairs.

He hoped to god none of the tenants were about to make a noise complaint.

He opened the door to see Merle standing there like a drowned rat. Before he could say anything, Merle stomped his way inside and headed up the stairs.

“Took ya long ‘nough. ‘Bout ta break the damn door down, boy,” he huffed. Merle apparently had no qualms about opening the upstairs door and letting himself into Daryl’s kitchen.

Daryl locked both doors and followed Merle, but he made sure to edge around his brother to stop Merle from getting any deeper into the house.

Merle put his hands on his hips. “So this is yer place, now, is it? Guess’s a’righ’. Coupla them cabinets is crooked.”

Daryl knew for a fact every single one of those cabinets was level, but sometimes there was no pleasing Merle.

“Where's Peanut?” Merle tried to look past Daryl down the hallway.

“Asleep. Like most people at two in the morning.”

Merle chuckled. “Well look at you, fucking Mr. Cleaver or some shit. Shacked up in your cute little house. Forgettin’ all ‘bout me.”

“I dunno what the hell you’re thinkin’ Merle. There’s a damn cop next door, and probably half a pharmacy stuffed in yer pockets.”

“I’m clean. Sold almost everything I had. ‘Cept what I took a bit ago. C’mon, get Peanut up. Let’s have a drink. ‘M thirsty.”

“Ya ain’t stayin’ ‘ere, Merle, I done told ya that!” Daryl shouted. Knowing that his brother was high made this late night visit even worse. He didn’t want you anywhere near Merle’s drug habit.

Merle smiled mirthlessly. “I know you ain’t tryin’ to kick me out, little brother. Not after all I done fer ya.” Merle cocked his head. His eyes were bulging and frantic, a warning sign Daryl knew all too well. He took a few long strides until he was standing right in front of Daryl.

Daryl glared at his brother. “What the hell are you on? You can’t be bringin’ that shit ‘ere, Merle! I gotta put up with it, but Y/N don’t.”

“Ah, so I’m somethin’ ya gotta put up with now? I’m yer kin , Daryl, or did ya ferget tha’ while ya been playin’ house out here with the rich folks?” Merle poked Daryl in the chest, forcing Daryl to back up a few steps.

Daryl stood steadfast in the doorway, crossing his arms over his chest. “I ain’t talkin’ to ya ‘til them pills get outta yer system.” Merle had an alpha-sized temper when he was sober, but all hopped up on drugs, that rage was unpredictable and dangerous. If he could keep Merle here in the kitchen, give him some of that whiskey Rick brought over, maybe Merle would drink himself to sleep and be gone by morning.

However, his hopes were dashed when he heard the bedroom door open. He listened as you padded your way down the hallway. He looked to see you rubbing your eyes and yawning as you approached. You wedged yourself in the door way, nudging Daryl to the side so you could see into the kitchen.

Daryl wished you were a least a little afraid of Merle, just enough for your own good, but that didn’t seem to be the case.

“Hi, Merle,” you said, your voice tired but cheery. “Long time no see.”

Merle’s face broke into a cheshire grin. “Here I was tellin’ Daryl the same thing.”

“You want to come in and sit in the living room? Dry off a bit?”

Daryl’s eyes widened in shock. Like hell Merle was coming any farther into this house. He grabbed your shoulders and explained quietly. “Bubbie, ya should go back to bed. Merle--he ain’t got two oars ta row, right now.”

You furrowed your brow, a tense expression he’d never seen before taking over your face. “I don’t even know what that means.”

Daryl sighed. “Jus’ means he ain’t his usual self tonight.”

“That’s all the more reason for him to stay here. If he’s not okay, then he should be here with his pack. What’s wrong with that? He can sleep on the sofa bed. You can’t send him back out into that rainstorm, anyway.”

Daryl chewed on his lip, looking from you to Merle. Merle was still grinning, but that wildness in his eyes was fading. Truth be told, Merle had always been gentle with you, much to Daryl’s disbelief. A quick look at Merle’s body language told Daryl his brother had already calmed down a good bit. Taking a deep breath, Daryl gave you a little shove toward the guest bathroom, then mockingly ushered Merle to the living room.

The doorbell rang just as you were handing off a stack of towels to Merle.

At the sound, Daryl clenched his fists, and hissed, “Fuck,” under his breath.

Apparently, Daryl was quite cranky in the middle of the night. “I’ll get it!” you announced, bounding out the door and down the stairs before Daryl could stop you. Once you were down in the main office, you stood on tiptoe and peered out the peephole, just to make sure Leatherface wasn’t on the other side.

To your utter shock, you saw Ro, his long hair dripping wet, and his hands shoved into his pockets.

You scrambled to unlock the door and get your friend inside and out of that frigid, pouring rain.

Once he was inside, you fumbled your way around the dark office, eventually finding a desk lamp and turning it on.

“What happened?” you asked Ro, taking his wrist and leading him to a couple of nearby folding chairs.

Ro shrugged out of his soaked overcoat and sank onto the chair. Running a hand over his face, he said, “Merle get here alright?”

“Yeah, Merle’s here. Seemed fine to me. He’s upstairs with Daryl.” You sat down, trying to get Ro to look at you and stop staring at the floor. “Paul, what’s wrong?”

He shrugged, folding in on himself, and then he leaned forward, put his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands.

“He left my place high as a kite. He got on that bike of his, in this storm. I expected to find him dead in a ditch by the time I caught up to him.”

You squeezed your friend’s shoulder. “I promise you that he’s fine. I saw him myself. He and Daryl were arguing about something. I think Daryl wanted to kick him out.”

Ro sat back in the chair and nodded. “I’ll head out then.” He started putting on his coat.

“You’re not leaving until this rain stops. That’s for sure, Rovia. Daryl has a pullout sofa and enough camping gear for a small army.”

He let out an airy chuckle, and his eyes found yours for the first time. The man looked absolutely terrified, but you had a feeling it had nothing to do with your invitation.

“Soooo,” you said, “Merle was at your place.”

Ro nodded. “We kinda…hooked up the day we all met. And he’s been…uh…visiting me every Friday since then.”

You tried to appear sympathetic, but couldn’t hide your shock. “You? And Merle?”

“I know…it’s so…stupid.”

“Ro, you don’t even like alphas. Did he do some alpha command on you or something?”

Ro shook his head, making his wet hair swing back and forth. “Merle’s not an alpha. He uses synthetic pheromones.”

“Synthetic pheromones?”

He shrugged. “It’s a beta thing.”

You took a second, trying to wrap your head around everything Ro was telling you. You sighed. “Let me get this straight. Merle is a beta, pretending to be an alpha, and doing it so well that he’s fooled his own brother. And you’ve been hooking up with him every weekend for over a month?

“This…this just isn’t like you. You’re one and done. No repeat customers. But you and Merle? For over a month?”

“Don’t start with me Y/N. Everything you’re going to say, I’ve told myself a hundred times already. Stupid and careless. Getting wrapped up in all that--” he gestured vaguely at the ceiling. “Thinking with the wrong head.”

“Rovia, that is nothing close to what I want to say to you. And I don’t think that’s really what you should be telling yourself, either.”

He scoffed, tilting his head back and staring at the ceiling. “What should I be telling myself then?”

“That it’s okay to have feelings, romantic feelings for someone. That maybe it’s time you stop keeping people at arm’s length.” You caught him rolling his eyes, but you powered through. “I know why you do it. We all had to. Wasn’t safe to depend on anyone else. Never knowing if this would be your forever home or just another stop along the way. And then when we were old enough to stop hoping, living in those group homes, fighting for space, for attention, for just about everything.”

Ro sighed.

“But it’s not like that now. We’ve grown up and stopped wanting the impossible. Now, if we find something we want, we can have it.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yeah, Ro, it is.”

Next Chapter

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thisapplepielife · 7 months

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20 Questions for Fic Writers!

I'm very belated for this, but thanks for the tag @hbyrde36!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

18! But a lot of those are in the Wildflowers series. (Maybe it should have been chaptered? I still don't know what the right answer was, lol.)

So, I basically have 3 things to read, if you count the two parts of the Jagged Little Pill series as one, and I always do. Wildflowers is for those that wanted more of Tuesday's, and not that many people wanted to read Tuesday's in the first place, haha. So it's a niche of a niche. But I hold it close to my heart, and it makes me happy that a few of you have been so on board with it, too. ❤️

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

487,289. Which is kind of crazy. I just looked, and I started writing You Oughta Know on July 30th, 2022. From then until today, that's 457 days. That's averaging over 1,000 words a day. That seems wild. (And I've got a lot of unpublished words still in the chamber, haha.)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Just Stranger Things right now, but I'm not opposed to branching out as the mood strikes. I think I'd love to take on David/Patrick of Schitt's Creek someday.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Take the Money and Run (by a country mile, lol)

You Oughta Know

I'm Brave, But I'm Chicken Shit

Tuesday's Gone With the Wind

You Don't Know How It Feels (I didn't realize it had overtaken the first part of Wildflowers, so that's fun! More readers must have enjoyed the look at the Corroded Coffin boys, and I dig it.)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I definitely try to respond to them all. Sometimes I'm a little slow about it though, sorry!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I like a happy ending. But Time to Move On, I guess? It's just a part of a series, so it's not like the ending is permanently sad, but that one does end at a sad point in their lives.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of them are pretty happy, but I'm partial to the epilogue ending of Take the Money and Run. That will always have my heart. ❤️

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've gotten a very little, so I feel pretty lucky.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, and I write what fits the larger story, I hope. I've written M/M and F/M, so far. I haven't done a full PWP, though some of the parts of Wildflowers were supposed to be that, but the dang plot kept getting in the way. Whoops.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Just little brief ones, so far. There's a couple in Take the Money and Run that I find fun, but if you don't get them, I don't think they detract from the story.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, and I'm not sure it'd work for most of my stuff, with all the mixed media.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I'm not sure how good I'd be at that. I write by jumping all over the place. That'd probably be annoying for someone else to deal with, lol!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

All time? Man, that's hard. I'm obviously deep in a Steddie hole at the moment. But I'll go with my first. Pacey and Joey of Dawson's Creek. They brought me into fandom, into fic, so they get the gold star. (For more current ships, definitely Steddie and David & Patrick of Schitt's Creek.)

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't really post anything I'm not basically finished with. But from my private stash, I like the idea of Here You Come Again, but I just have been writing other stuff. I'm going to take on my other Steddie (Untitled, But Not Really) WIP during NaNoWriMo. I've never done that before, so I thought might be fun, since I saw you can go rogue and write 50,000 words on something that isn't brand spanking new. So, even if that fic doesn't need 50,000 words to finish (and I'm not sure it does) it might give me the push to try to finish it up. I've been sitting on my hands on it since I decided to sign up, which is fine, I needed to finish up Wildflowers. (And get ahead on my Steddie Holiday Drabbles: I've finished 8 of the 30 so far.)

16. What are your writing strengths?

From the comments, I'm going to go with that I can make readers laugh from time to time, which makes me so happy. I also like to dig into the research.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Um, also the research, lol. Sometimes I'll be researching until I'm just wasting time. Some things really don't matter in the big picture. (But they do to me!!) And I need to learn to let them go.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

That's not something I've done, I don't think. But I have tried to respond to comments that were written in a different language using Google Translate.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Dawson's Creek. Many, many moons ago. At the turn of the millennium. (That's fun to say, ha!)

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Unpopular opinion time! I know Take the Money and Run is more popular. By, well, a lot. And I do love it. It gave me the bug to write long fic again. But I have big feelings for Tuesday's Gone With the Wind. It was such an undertaking. All the mixed media. The endless research. And I fell in love with those characters in the process.

It wasn't as popular as TtMaR, but that's okay. It makes me very happy that it reached even as many people as it did. I know that author's note was enough to scare anyone away, haha. Add in the CNTW and it's amazing anyone read it at all. Thanks to those of you that did! You've made me so happy. ❤️

I'm so late for this, I'm not gonna tag, but if you haven't done it and want to, please do!!

#tag games #my writing #steddie fic #ao3 #fic writer #writing tag

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musings-of-a-rose · 2 years

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I'll Always Wait For You - Chapter 14

Pairing: Francisco "Frankie/Catfish" Morales x F!reader

Word Count: 5600+

Rating: Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story.

Notes: Sorry it took me a minute to get this chapter out - I didn’t have the time and I don’t rush Frankie. He deserves all the time in the world. And then the power went out from Hurricane Ian just as I was finishing it!

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

<;<Chapter 13

I'll Always Wait For You Masterlist

Frankie Morales Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Frankie wakes the next morning to light streaming through the front windows, causing the headache that had woken him to get worse. He groans, placing his hands on his temples and rubbing them. After a few moments, his back starts to twinge and a steady ache makes itself known in his hip. He tries to shift his body and hisses, the pain in his body increasing and it’s now that he realizes he’s on the couch.

He fell asleep on the couch.

It’s definitely later than morning.

Fuck, Hermosa!

As he forces himself to sit up, he realizes his boots are off and stowed nicely off to the side, definitely not where he’d left them. He manages to turn his head and look at the end table near the front door and sure enough - your purse is hanging on a hook.

“Fuck!” Frankie chastises himself. How could he have forgotten to pick you up? What did he do after he got home?

His eyes widen in realization as he pats down his pockets, a sigh of relief escaping him when he finds his kit and stash still on him, seemingly undiscovered.

How was he going to explain this?

—

It’s around noon so you decide to make some lunch, giving in to the grumbling your stomach had been doing for at least half an hour. Wondering if Frankie was finally awake, you headed out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen, stopping to glance into the living room on your way.

He’s sitting up but hasn’t seen you yet, his face in his hands as he shakes slightly. Despite not seeing his face, you could tell he was not well. His back and hip have to be killing him from sleeping on the couch all night. You’d wanted to move him but there was no way you’d have been able to carry him all the way to the bedroom.

More concerned than upset, you quietly head back to the bedroom and grab some pain killers and the unopened bottle of water you had set on his nightstand, just in case he’d made his way there. Frankie doesn’t stir until you touch your hand gently to his shoulder and call his name softly.

“Frankie?”

He jumps, startled by your appearance and his eyes go wide. “Hermosa! I’m so- fuck!” his hand flies back to his head, the other his hip, and you can tell from his leaning that his back is all fucked up too.

“Here. Take these.” You shake out a few of the painkillers and place them in your flattened palm. He looks up at you like a wounded puppy and any trace of anger you may have had turns into straight concern. He takes the pills and you open the bottle of water, handing that to him as well.

Sitting next to him, you wait patiently for him to take the meds, drinking a little more water after. He replaces the cap and picks at the label for moment before looking at you.

“I’m so sorry, Hermosa. I must’ve fallen asleep.”

You study his face for a few moments before speaking. “Are you ok, Frankie?”

He shifts a little nervously where he sits. “I uh, why? I mean my..everything hurts but uh, otherwise…I’m good?”

A pause, your eyes studying his face. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

He swallows hard but nods. “Yeah. Of course.”

“And you’re sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok. Well, you need to take a bath. That hip of yours is not going to be your friend if we don’t relax it. I’ll pour you one. Give me a minute.”

You get up and head to the bathroom to start the tub, completely missing the terrified guilty look etched across Frankie’s face.

------

A few weeks later, you decide to surprise Frankie with lunch while he’s at work. He’d been working longer hours, getting in more flight time when Aurelia isn’t there, and he’d been looking so tired by the time he’d get home. Although sometimes, he’d find a burst of energy from somewhere, practically pouncing on you the moment he walked in the door.

Picking up some take out from his favorite place, you head to Flyboyz and park, seeing Frankie’s truck and…is that Elizabeth’s car?

Grabbing the food, you attempt to school your expression, wondering what you’ll be walking into. The moment you open the door, a small force of energy collides into you, nearly taking out your knees.

“Ouch!”

“Sorry ‘Mosa!”

Aurelia blinks up at you as she tightens her grip on your legs. “I miss you!”

“Oh! Aurelia! I missed you too. This is a surprise!”

She nods vehemently. “Mommy and I surprise daddy for lunch!”

“Oh?”

She nods again. “Yup!”

“Well..I…bet he loves seeing you! Um…Aurelia?”

“What?”

“I’m gonna need my knees back.”

“No! My ‘Mosa!”

A deep voice comes up behind her. “No, I believe she is my ‘Mosa..HERmosa! Dammit Benny!”

Frankie playfully argues with Aurelia for a moment before moving quickly, catching her off guard and tickling her, screams of laughter erupting from her tiny mouth. She lets go of your knees instantly, turning instead to retaliate and try to tickle Frankie back. You watch them play for a moment before Frankie calls a truce. He walks back over to you and gives you a quick kiss on the cheek.

“What uh…what are you doing here?”

“I can’t visit you?”

“No! That’s not what I meant, I just…is everything ok?”

“Yeah. I just brought you lunch.” You hold up the bag and shake it a little to show Frankie.

“Oh. From Hattricks? Thank-”

“Frank? Did you want your pie- oh. Hi.” Elizabeth had come out of the back room, a slice of pie on a plate in her hand.

You look at Elizabeth, not surprised that she was here as you had seen her car, but surprised there was lunch.

Frankie blushes as if he’d been caught. “Ah, no. I think I’m good. Take it for Aurelia. Thanks.”

Elizabeth gives him a smile. “She’ll love it. I’ll just…go wrap it up.” Elizabeth turns and heads back into the office and you can hear the sounds of paper and containers being cleaned up.

Turning to look at Frankie you find that he doesn’t quite meet your eyes. “I guess you don’t need this then.”

“No - no I’ll eat it. I-”

“Frankie, I’m not going to have you eat 2 lunches. It’s ok. You didn’t know I was coming. I’ll save it for later. Oh, why is she here?” The last part of your sentence you had whispered, not wanting Aurelia nor Elizabeth to hear.

Frankie shifts nervously, hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck. “Uh…she brings Aurelia to eat lunch with me sometimes.”

Eyebrows raised, you reply “That’s awfully nice of her.”

“I-I’m enjoying the time I get to spend with Aurelia. She’s so cute. She’ll tell me all about what she packed for us that day and why-”

“Wait…how long has she been coming?”

Frankie pales. “Oh. Um…a…bit?”

“How long’s a bit?”

Footsteps come out of the office and Elizabeth comes into view holding a lunchbox and small cooler. Aurelia stands next to her holding her own lunchbox, Frozen plastered across the front.

“Same time tomorrow, Frank?”

“Uh…” Frankie looks from you to Elizabeth and back, uncertainty etched in his features.

You look down at Aurelia and see a hopeful look in her eyes as she stares up at her dad, waiting for him to say yes.

“Make sure to pack him something special tomorrow, Aurelia!” You’re not sure where it comes from, probably the love you have for that little girl, but you manage to choke back the bile rising in the back of your throat just to see her smile wide.

“I will! I promise, ‘Mosa!”

She runs up as Frankie leans down, giving her a hug. “See you tomorrow!”

Aurelia runs towards the door, spinning on her heel to wait for her mom. As you turned back to Frankie, you see Elizabeth hugging Frankie too, a light kiss pressed to his cheek. She pulls back and looks directly at you, a soft smile on her lips. “See you around.”

“Yeah. Bye.”

Aurelia follows her mom, waving to Frankie before she hops into the car and they drive off. The room is completely silent now, except for the ringing in your ears that’s getting louder by the second.

“Hermosa, I-”

“How long, Frankie?”

He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “A few weeks.”

“A few weeks,” you whisper, choking back tears. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you that I was getting to see my daughter for lunch every day?”

“Tell me that she was coming here and being all…nice or whatever all of a sudden.”

“What? Elizabeth is fine-”

“That’s sort of my point, Frankie.”

“She just brings Aurelia so I can see her.”

“Which is fine, but..Frankie come on. She gave you a hug? And a kiss?”

“It was on the cheek!”

You scoff, looking away from him for a moment. “Frankie, if you think that those hugs and kisses are innocent, you have to be the biggest idiot on the planet.”

“She’s just being nice because we have to co-parent.”

“Since when has she been nice, Frankie? She’s always fucked with me and you. She hates me. Fuck, she divorced you while you were in a coma! She should’ve been supporting you! And now she’s decided to be nice?”

Frankie holds his hands up. “It’s not like that, Hermosa. We discuss Aurelia and parenting. Things we have to do as co-parents.”

“Which I understand-”

“Then why are you mad?”

“Because you were having lunch with your ex wife for weeks and didn’t tell me!”

Frankie falls silent, his brain seemingly searching for something to say. “I…wasn’t sure how’d you react.”

A laugh comes from somewhere inside of you, a laugh of pure disbelief at the audacity of this man. You’re so mad words fail you, so instead, you shove the bag of food at him, Frankie barely catching it before it falls to the ground.

“I asked them for extra pickles because they’re your favorite.”

Turning on your heel, you quickly head for the door and push it open, marching towards your car, ignoring your name being called out as Frankie tries to catch up to you. But before he can reach you, you’ve pulled out, driving off down the road and not daring to look into your mirror, because if you did, you know you’d turn back around.

-------

“He what?” Santi asks as you sit across from him in his living room, sipping a beer that he’d offered the moment he saw your face.

“She’s been bringing him lunch, every day, for weeks.”

“They do have to co-parent.”

“You didn’t see the hug, Santi. And the kiss..” You take another swig of your beer, hoping to quell whatever was going on in your stomach.

Santi nods. “You’re right. It’s not right that kept that from you. I…doubt he thought that far ahead.”

“I mean, I get wanting to see Aurelia. And the whole co-parent thing. I do. I just…” You sigh, setting your beer down on the coffee table. “I just wish he’d told me.”

Santi sets his beer next to yours. “He really should’ve. I’ve known Frankie a long time and if the tables were turned? He would’ve reacted worse than you. I’m surprised you didn’t knock her out.”

“Can’t do it in front of Aurelia.”

Santi chuckles. “That’s true. But, Hermosa…he’s gonna have to see her again. They do have a kid together.”

Placing your elbows on your knees, you bury your face in your hands. “I know.”

“Come here.”

Santi pulls you to him, wrapping you in his warm embrace. He’s not Frankie, but Santi has always been able to calm you down, always been there for you.

“You’re a great friend, Santi.”

“Your best friend, right?”

“Don’t tell Benny.”

Santi laughs, his whole chest vibrating with it and you can’t help but smile. Pulling back, Santi meets your gaze with his own, your laughter dying off as he continues to stare into your eyes. What…is happening?

“I think I need to go talk to Frankie.”

“Yeah…Yeah that’s a good idea.”

“Thanks again, Santi.You always know what to say.”

“That’s me.”

Santi walks you to the door, offering his arm for you to grab while you balance to put on your shoes.

“How has Frankie been? Other than this. His allergies go away?”

“Uh…well his hip still bothers him, but that’s what he gets for passing out on the couch so much.”

“He sleeps on the couch?”

“I don’t tell him to. I just sometimes find him there after a long day at work.”

Santi nods, his eyes pensieve. “And his allergies?”

“Um…they come and go.”

“Does he have them more or less than the bbq?”

“Allergies?”

“Yeah.”

“Uh…I’d say more. A few days he might not have them but now you mention it, it is more. Why, do you know something I don’t? Is he allergic to something he hasn’t told me about?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe you should ask him. So you know.”

There’s a look on his face, a I know something look.

“Santi-”

“Have a good night, Hermosa. Talk to Frankie.”

--------

When you pull up in his driveway, you see Frankie’s truck already there. Pulling out the key Frankie had given you, you unlock the door and step inside quietly. The tv is on, some random movie on low volume, and a delicious smell is coming from the kitchen.

Kicking off your shoes, you head to the kitchen and see no one in it, but the timer on the oven set for another 40 minutes. Smells like Frankie’s famous lasagna.

Turning, you head down the hall towards the bedroom, gently pushing open the door just as Frankie comes out of the attached bathroom. He sees you and starts, a small yelp escaping him as he rubs his nose and sniffs.

“Weren’t you in Delta Force?” You ask, holding back a chuckle.

“Yeah but I fought people that were way louder than you.”

A silence passes between you, stretching on for several long moments.

“Hermosa, I’m sorry.”

You look at him, seeing him try to get his weight off his still healing hip and sigh, giving into the love you have for him. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, you pat the space next to you. Frankie hobbles over and sits down, opting to leave his cane by the bathroom door.

“Do you understand why I was upset?”

He nods. “I..I shouldn’t have kept that from you.”

“Then why did you?”

“I…I didn’t think you’d understand.”

“What?”

Frankie takes a slow inhale. “I mean, look at how you reacted. You have an automatic hatred towards Elizabeth and yeah I mean it’s rightly earned, but…I wasn’t sure if you’d be ok with it and I just…I missed so much time with Aurelia and getting these little lunches with her, I just-”

“Frankie-”

“-she’s just growing so fast and I want to take any time I can get with her and-”

“Frankie.” You place your hand on his thigh as he turns to look at you.

“I get that. I do. I would never stand between you and Aurelia. That’s your daughter. And an amazing kid at that. You just have to tell me these things are happening. I want to be involved in your life…if that’s still what you want?”

His eyes go wide. “Yes! Hermosa, I love you and I want you always.”

“Then you have to tell me about things. No matter how you think I’ll deal with something, ok? I mean imagine if the tables were turned.”

Frankie’s eyes scan down your face for a moment. “I’d be pissed.”

“Exactly. I don’t trust her, Frankie. Not with you.”

He studies your face a moment longer. “You’re right, Hermosa. I should’ve told you. I promise, nothing has happened between us and nothing will. She treated me like shit all those years and I put up with it because of Aurelia and-” He cuts off his sentence abruptly.

“And?”

“And….because I had no one else to go to.” He looks down at his hands in his lap, his fingers rubbing and picking at each other.

“You always had me, Frankie.”

“Except that I didn’t. You…left.”

He was right. No matter that you did it to try and quell some of the fighting between them and give them a good shot, no matter that you told him you’d always be there for him, you still had walked out. It’s a memory that still plagues you to this day, the way he pleaded to you to not leave, his eyes, big and brown and watery, having to leave him just a few moments after he became a dad.

“It was only ever you, Hermosa.”

Anger forgotten, you grip his shirt, pulling his head to you and kissing him deeply, ignoring the stale taste in his mouth. He’s surprised but rallies quickly, his tongue quickly pushing its way into your mouth, his hands sliding around your head, holding you to him as he kissed you back. Without breaking the kiss, he pushes you down on your back, hovering over you from the side as he slides a hand up, pushing your shirt up your chest, palming at a boob over your bra. You let out a small moan and he does too, that same hand now sliding down your stomach, fumbling with the button on your jeans. He pops it open, wasting no time in sliding his hand under your panties, touching you exactly where you want him.

You let out a breathy moan that he swallows up, rubbing gentle circles into your clit before sliding his hand down further, pushing 2 fingers inside, his palm applying the perfect amount of pressure to your clit. A whine tries to escape you but he’s there, kissing you even deeper than before as he brings you to the edge and pushes you over. You come, crying out into his mouth as your body starts to twitch with overstimulation. Frankie chuckles, kissing your now open mouth lightly on the lips before sitting up and yanking your pants off in one motion. He pushes his own down, his hard cock springing free from his pants and suddenly you’re overcome with the need to have him inside you.

Spreading your legs wide now that your pants are off, Frankie moans and moves between your thighs, pumping himself a few times before sliding through your folds, thoroughly coating himself in you before pushing in.

A grunt from both of you and then he moves, frantic in his need to be inside of you, his need to fuck you. You meet his eyes and desire passes between you and Frankie realizes that you need this just as much as he does. Grabbing your wrists, he pins your hands down on either side of your head, feeling your wrap your legs around him as he starts to fuck you, a rough pace slamming the headboard against the wall as you cry out with every thrust. A few extra deep thrusts of his hips later and you come again, screaming out as your body tingles, your head rushing with your orgasm as you feel Frankie come close behind, hips sputtering into yours as he lets out little grunts with each sporadic thrust.

A few moments goes by, the only sound in the room your heavy breaths. Frankie goes to move and hisses, throwing his weight on his bent arm on the bed.

“Frankie?”

“My hip. Just need…a sec…” He struggles some more before you stop him.

“I have an idea?”

He looks at you, anger flashing behind his eyes. “I can do this, Hermosa.”

“I promise you’ll like it.”

Curiosity replaces the frustration on his face. “I’ll allow it.”

You chuckle and Frankie grunts as you squeeze his overstimulated cock. “Oops! Sorry!”

“So far, not liking this.” A soft smile on his face tells you to proceed.

Wrapping your legs securely around him, you wrap your arms around his back, holding his head to your chest. “Liking this a lot better.” He says, his voice muffled by your boobs.

“Shut up. Ok, I need you to hold me like you’re hugging me, ok? But don’t tighten your hips.”

He nods and you start to move, feeling him wrap his arms around you as you roll him slowly and gently onto his back, you straddling him. Sitting up, you look down at him, your eyebrows raised in question.

“You’re right. I do like this.” He grips your hips and starts to move them and you feel his cock twitch inside you.

“Hold on there, flyboy. Your hip needs rest.”

“I’m fine.”

You lean down, your fingers gently scratching up his chest until you’re face to face with him. “If you’re a good boy, I promise to fuck you into this bed later. Deal?”

Frankie’s eyes darken and he nods enthusiastically. “Deal.”

--------

Seeing Elizabeth at Frankie’s work was not something you liked, but you knew that he needed this and that they needed to be able to co parent. Elizabeth seemed surprised when she was allowed back, and even offered to bring you a lunch. Which you turned down because you don’t trust this woman even when she’s standing in front of you, let alone if she’s in charge of your food.

But she’s…different. Pleasant, nice, friendly. Even to you, which makes you more suspicious, although you don’t say anything directly.

--------

About 2 weeks later, Will and Stacy were finally ready to have everyone over to meet their new baby, Charlie. Everyone pitches in to bring something to eat so the new parents didn’t have to cook.

The look of pure love in Will’s eyes as he looks down at his new son and the admiration towards his wife was nearly overwhelming, causing tears to well in your eyes as you took them in. Liam was definitely proud of his little brother too, being a big helper to his mom and getting whatever she asked him to.

Since Charlie was still so little, Stacy didn’t want anyone else besides her and Will to hold him, which you all completely understood. Instead, you all got a chance to dote on them all, even though Will kept trying to stop it.

“Will, let us BE!” You laughed, pushing him back towards the couch where Stacy was sitting and chatting with Benny, who was icing a black eye from a bad fight that he totally won if you asked him.

Dinner served and eaten, Stacy thanked everyone for understanding about not holding Charlie just yet and for coming over, especially with food. As the night wound down, Stacy and Charlie disappeared so she could start bedtime, Liam following behind her to help with bathtime. Everyone else started cleaning up to get out of the new expanded familie’s way.

“Oh hey, Hermosa-” Will beckons you over to him, out of Benny’s earshot.

“What’s up?”

“I wanted to thank you for being at all of Benny's fights and takin’ care of him. I know I usually do it, but-”

Shaking your head, you place a hand on his arm and squeeze. “It’s ok, Will. He’s my friend too.”

He smiles, glancing down before he looks back at you. “Will you be there this week? His opponent is…rough. And I won’t be able to-”

“I wouldn’t miss it. Thanks for the heads up though.”

--------

Will was definitely right about the opponent.

Benny may have technically won the fight, but he was far from alright when it came to his injuries. More than just a busted lip and black eye, you had to wrangle him into your car, demanding he be checked out at the hospital. Sure enough, he had broken a rib and his nose, along with dislocating his shoulder and several other more minor injuries.

You spent most of the night in the hospital and drove him home the next morning, Benny nearly passing out from the pain killers. He was definitely more handsy on them, reaching over to rub your thigh several times before you told him you’d break that arm too if he didn’t stop.

Helping him inside, you manage to get him to his room and have him sit, yanking his boots off for him as he tried to stay upright. His shirt was torn and ratty, having never changed from the fight. Sighing, you helped him out of that too, careful not to disturb the bandages. Once you managed to get him into bed, his large hand closed around your wrist, big blue eyes staring up at you.

“Stay with me, ‘Mosa?”

Seeing the true pain that he was trying to hide behind his eyes, you nod. “Of course. Let me text Frankie to let him know.”

After you texted him, you checked Benny one last time before you started for his door, intending to sleep on the couch a bit and give Benny some space.

“No, ‘Mosa. With me. Please?”

“Ok. But you have to promise me not to let your ass get this beat again.”

“I won that fight.”

“Yeah, yeah. Scoot over, Mr. Winner.”

He chuckled a sleepy chuckle as you kicked off your shoes and slid into the bed next to him, sleeping just like you had when you were roommates and would pass out next to each other.

--------

A few weeks later, Santi has everyone come to his place. While he was having a cookout, it seemed like there was more, like he had some big announcement. Once everyone had started eating, Santi cleared his throat.

“So…I’m going to Colombia in a few weeks.”

“For a vacation or?” Benny asks, his fork paused halfway to his mouth.

“For…a few years. At least.”

Everyone went silent, staring at him.

“What do you mean?” Somehow, you managed to find your voice first.

“Well, you know I’ve always wanted to go back to my mother’s homeland. I got an in with the policia and they’re taking me on. I finally get a chance to do something with this training we all got.”

“Won’t it be dangerous?” You ask, worry in your tone.

Santi nods, palm scratching at the back of his neck. “Yeah, probably. But I can do something good-”

“What about your neck?” Frankie asks, finally finding his voice. “And your knees?”

“My neck will be fine. I mean, I might need surgery in a couple years but I’ll be ok. This is a good thing, guys. I get a chance to help the people there empower themselves against these Narcos assholes. Please, I want this. Please be happy for me?”

After exchanging looks, Tom nods. “I get it. Take care of yourself, man.”

Everyone takes turns patting him on the back and giving him a hug, except you. Grabbing several plates and dishes, you quickly head inside to have a moment to yourself. It’s not surprising that Santi wants to do something with what he had learned in Delta Force, and he doesn’t have family ties here, but you’d be lying if you said it didn’t hurt to lose your best friend (outside of Frankie).

“Hermosa?” Santi closes the sliding door behind him, walking a few plates over to where you’re standing by the sink.

“Hey! So uh…congrats? I guess?” You wipe furiously at the tears that suddenly came on once you locked eyes with him.

“Oh Hermosa, no tears for me. I’m not gone forever.”

“3 years in that sort of…climate. Might as well be.”

Santi sets the plates in the sink and turns to you, pulling you tight into him, placing a gentle kiss to the top of your head. “I’ll always be your friend, Hermosa. There’s no way you’re getting rid of me.”

“I never want to get rid of you, Santi.”

“Well that’s good to know.”

“You’re gonna find some Colombian girl and forget all about me.

You pull back slightly and look up at him, the jesting smile fading from your lips as his dark eyes meet your with that same look they did weeks ago when you went over after finding out the whole Elizabeth lunch thing. His eyes briefly dip to your lips and back as the weighted silence between you stretches on. There was a time where you had a crush on him, especially once Frankie got married. But that was just displaced emotions, right? A crash from outside followed by “BENNY!” breaks the tension and you laugh nervously as you separate, feeling his fingers trail after you briefly.

“Better go see what he broke now.”

-------

Many fights and practices later, Benny was improving and avoiding most major injuries. Will started coming back to fights and you took turns making sure Benny was ok. While he grumbled he could take care of himself, you knew he loved the attention that you and Will give him.

Frankie on the other hand, something was definitely up with him.

After your talk about Elizabeth, things seemed to settle, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on what was rubbing you weird. You asked about any allergies he may have and he was very defensive in his answers, even telling you that you’re imagining his sniffles and occasional nose bleeds.

But it was more than that. His whole personality was just…different. Granted, he was working late most days when Aurelia wasn’t here, staying late with Rick to get the most flight time in. Some days you’d see him come home so tired that he’d pass out on the couch and screw up his hip and back. Other days, he would be so excited to see you, vibrating with excitement when he saw you, often driving out to your apartment on the other side of town just to see you.

Something wasn’t right.

After one of his more excitable nights, you were in the bathroom brushing your teeth when you remembered Elizabeth’s letter from the hospital - and how it had mentioned drugs. You had never brought it up to Frankie, telling him to adjust and come to you when he was ready, but honestly you’d completely forgotten about that. Could he be on something? It would explain a lot, and you suspect that Santi may have figured this out a while ago.

“Frankie,” you call to him as you exit the bathroom. He was sitting up on the bed, shirtless, scrolling quickly through his phone.

“Mmm?” He doesn’t look up, whatever is on the screen continues to hold his attention.

“About Elizabeth’s letter..”

“What letter?” He still doesn’t look up.

“The one she wrote you.”

“She doesn’t write me.”

“In the hospital.”

That got his attention.

His eyes snap to yours. “What..what about it?”

You walk over and sit on the bed, legs dangling off the side as you angle your body towards him. “It’s just…she mentioned…”

“What? Said what?” He was getting frustrated.

“She mentioned…drugs.”

Silence.

“Ok?”

You pause, trying to pick your words carefully. “And..well we never discussed it-”

“There’s nothing to discuss.”

“I think there’s a lot to discuss-”

“Well you weren’t there so it doesn’t matter.”

Ouch.

“Even so-”

“I’m not talking about this.” He’s shifting nervously, but he’s obviously pissed.

“I’m worried about you.”

His brown eyes find yours finally, hardness and anger in them. “Worried about me? Why?”

Taking a deep breath, you calmly go into it. Telling him how you’ve found him sleeping on the couch often despite it hurting him, his personality changes, even the nose bleeds and sniffles, all of it. His face hardens the more you speak and you brace yourself for anger, which is really just proving your suspicions right.

“So you think I’m on drugs?”

“I don’t know, Frankie. All I know is you’re not you.”

“How the fuck would you know who I am?”

"Excuse me?"

"You left. You left me. You have no clue who I am anymore."

His eyes show some hidden guilt, like he regretted what he said, but he didn't say anything else.

"The way you're behaving right now tells me that something is going on."

"Maybe if you didn't spend so much time at Ben's house, then you'd be able to know me better."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

Anger flashes in his eyes. "You're there nearly every weekend, sleeping over-"

"Because he was injured!"

"-doing whatever the fuck you do while there and I'm supposed to just-"

"What did you just say?"

He swallows hard but he's said too much to back out now. "I don't know what the fuck you actually do while you're there!"

"I nurse him back to health and make sure he actually wakes up."

"I bet you do."

Pure shock must be on your face because you know you feel it. "Benny is like my brother."

"Which makes this worse."

"Makes what worse?"

"You're fucking him I know it!"

Regret washes over his face as he says it, but you don't care. The audacity of this man to even think this just overwhelms you.

Standing, you grab your bag and speak quietly. "I would never. Fuck you, Francisco Morales."

-------

Chapter 15>>

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authorangelita · 1 month

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I was tagged by @rosieblogstuff 😃

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

259. I really want to hit 100 stories in both MacGyver and White Collar fandoms. 😁

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

594,984. That averages out to 2,297 words per work, which is actually better than I thought it would be. I write a lot of short pieces.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

In order of most fics to least: White Collar, MacGyver 2016, Teen Wolf, White Collar RPF, Dark Angel, Supernatural. There are a few other fandoms, but they're related to an event I did on LJ where you wrote down 15 characters from various fandoms, and people gave you random numbers, and you had to write a drabble/ficlet that included those characters.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Redraw the Lines (White Collar)

Letter T: Tired (Teen Wolf)

Letter Q: Quilt (Teen Wolf)

Letter K: Kidfic (Teen Wolf)

Friendly Advice and Family Dinner (White Collar)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always plan to respond, but I'm super behind at the moment. One of these days, I'm going to catch up!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Listen, I'm not proud of it, but I did once write the death of Peter and Elizabeth's dog Satchmo in White Collar fic.

On the MacGyver front, it's hard to tell. Maybe Regrets (Jack) where Jack decides they all need to leave the Phoenix.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I don't know that I would classify many of my fics as having a happy ending. I think Altered Course, the AU where Jack and Diane decide to foster Mac after his grandfather dies, has a pretty happy ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No, not really. There are a couple of White Collar fics that I wrote that some people didn't like, but I still didn't get hate for them.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I haven't finished one, but I've tried a couple of White Collar/Teen Wolf crossovers. That event I did with the 15 characters included crossovers, but they were so short, I don't know that they really counted.

The craziest one from that was probably Luc Johnston (Tru Calling), Peyton Sawyer (One Tree Hill), and Peter Burke (White Collar) In a love triangle.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don't think so.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, back in the post-Dark Angel days. A friend and I did a kind of role-playing thing where we wrote a bunch of Dark Angel fic that was mostly never posted, and several Dawson's Creek fics that were CJ/Jen-centric.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Is the Ever Given too obvious?

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I have a whole folder of fics called Limbo. I've talked about this one before, but I have this idea (and I posted a ficlet of it during an event last year, I think) where Mac spirals after Jack "dies", becomes addicted to pain pills, and pushes everyone away until Jack comes back. I would love to write it, but the amount of research needed boggles my brain.

Another one that I probably won't finish is the one post-Regrets (Jack) where (post-Phoenix) Team Improv becomes an elite Search and Rescue team where Jack flies the helicopter, Mac gets winched down to rescue people, etc.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Oh, this is a good question! And also a tough question. Umm, Jack's voice, finding unique ways to twist an h/c story, and the occasional zinger dialogue.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Also a good question and another tough one. Fully fleshing out scenes, not starting paragraphs with someone's name, and coming up with endings that aren't cheesy.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I'm uncomfortable with it because I don't speak any other languages, and everything I know about translation apps/sites makes me nervous. I named a fic with a word from another language, and I often think about changing it because I'm worried it means something terrible in a different language.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

General Hospital. Those fics are lost to time (or the secret FFN account that I will never share). I was 14/15, and they were terrible. But I'm so glad I had that brief fandom experience.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

For White Collar, it's Redraw the Lines. I really don't think that answer will ever change. For MacGyver, that answer changes often, and I'm still writing stuff, so maybe I haven't written it yet. Today, it's Wearing Your Wounds.

I'm not sure who's been tagged so far, so if you want to play, please say you were tagged by me! 😃

#ask games #20 fic/author questions #this was a lot of fun!

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saschasuri · 3 months

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A Little Of My Story:

Not expecting anyone to see this but I feel like getting this all of my chest to nothing will somehow help me. I've been struggling with my drug addiction since I was 14,, I am now 21. Yes, I know it's not that long of a stretch but fuck dude..it's been so fucking rough.

16yrs old I was sent to my first rehab. I was taught how to do hard drugs. At that point I was just eating Xanax and snorting yayo up my nose and smoking wayyy too much. Ended up getting abused by a guy who I met there.

After that experience I fell even harder into my addiction. I was no longer who I thought I was. Got laced with PCP and went into psychosis. Didn't think it could get worse than that. My old best friend came over to celebrate my birthday and she didn't bring the H so we decided to get Blues. No surprise here but big fucking mistake.

She ended up OD and my mama had to revieve her. I still had some of the pressies left so to deal with witnessing that I thought it would be a good idea to snort the fent pressed pills. Instantly I fell in love with the sensation I received from the high. I was already shooting dope occasionally, doing ketamine, acid, Vicodin and oxys.

At age 17yrs old thing got even worse. I hit up my yayo dealer because my friend and I wanted to try scante. Once again BIG fucking mistake. We smoked the pookie first then the needles came out. Got hooked immediately...

Next time we saw him he told me to try smoking something off of foil. He told me it was H,, it was pure fent powder. Ofc I didn't know this at the time but me being the dumbass that I am took a hit off the foil.

I had been doing blues but fuck powder...that's a whole ass different story. I fell out. literally. I fell outta the car and threw up down myself and they shot me up with crystal and I came to. Crazy how insane that shit sounds...crystal bringing me back. What's even more insane about that is that wasn't the last time that happened. That was my first OD..there have been too many other times to count since then.

I'd be writing a whole ass novel if I went into everything but to summarize...since 17 there was a needle in my arm, hands, muscles until age 19/20 when I just went back to the foil and pookie.

H no longer exists. It's all fent. Everything. Nothing is clean anymore.

March 24th is going to be the 3yr anniversary of my best friends OD death date. This will be my first year sober for it and i'm losing my fucking mind. I keep having breakdowns but idk I just can't seem to even cry anymore. My Dr says i'm like a Navy Seal because no matter what is going on..I don't show emotion. I am numb. He also thinks I have psychopathic tendencies because of my 'destructive behavior.'

I feel like I'm losing my mind and can't talk to anyone about it. Please someone talk to me. IDC what it's about,, I just need people who can relate or just to idk fucking talk to instead of being in my head 24/7.

#drug overdose #fentanyl #addiction #tw drugs #isolation #heroin #shooting meth #pain #OD

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tobias-hankel · 1 year

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✨ 2022 Writing Year In Review ✨

Thanks to @spencer-reids-adventures and @domestikhighway58 for tagging me!

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 26

2. Word count posted for the year: 283,149

3. Fandoms I wrote for: Criminal Minds

4. Pairings: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Aaron Hotchner/Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Luke Alvez/Spencer Reid, and a lot of Spencer & BAU Team

5. Story with the most:

Kudos: Who Owns Spencer Reid with 2847 kudos

Bookmarks: Also Who Owns Spencer Reid with 982 bookmarks

Comments: Still Who Owns Spencer Reid with 771 comment threads

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

Other than WOSR, it would be Occupational Hazard. I just feel like it was well rounded and several people have told me how it feels accurate and not cheesy or over the top like drug addictions are often done on TV.

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

You’re an Angel and Born Evil - I think I could have done more with both of them. I liked the idea I had but I couldn’t get the words to work the way I pictured in my head.

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

I have gotten so many that I love oh so very much but recently I got a comment on my drabble collection that said,

“I appreciate the way you wrote this. With such compassion. With such love. But more importantly, from my own story, this reads very real and true to me.”

in it and I just love when people say how my writing feels read. I normally write from a personal space so that means so much to me.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I can’t think of just one. I know I struggle with the healing part of fics. Idk how someone is supposed to heal and people want to read a happy ending but sometimes it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes things don’t end just as happy as before the whump came in and I just struggle with knowing the balance between happy ending and real life.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I’m not too sure, I often just let my writing write itself with small guidelines. The ending of Occupational Hazard and Who Owns Spencer Reid weren’t planned out. The last chapter of Please Help Me wasn’t supposed to go the way it did so that was a surprise.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: (TW Diana’s suicide in WOSR)

He missed her.

The last memory he had of her was her bloody body below ice-cold bathwater. Wrists were slashed, pills were taken. She had told him that morning how the voices wouldn’t stop. They told her to kill herself. Spencer took care of her as best as an eleven-year-old could. He gave her medicine, made sure she knew it would be okay, before leaving for school.

She was fine.

She was fine until she wasn’t.

The bloodstains never came out of the tub and Spencer locked off the bathroom altogether, leaving only a half bath downstairs for him to wash up in, alone.

12. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I have started to write for me and my friends - not for people who might judge what I write. I’m not letting negative comments get to me and I’m trying to not be a stats whore. I also try to use contractions more - thanks to @brillianthijinx

13. How do you hope to grow next year:

I want to write more and not get so stressed over updates and what people think.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Ah fuck, so many people. I won’t tag you all but Tad, Brill, Goob, Chris, Maya, Mandy, Mer, Blue, Tek, Annie, Viking, Sam, Emmy, Annalena, Kath, Kenni, Pom, Pandora, I know I’m missing so many, Zoe, Eli, Matthew, Slytherin, Ferret, Eduarda, literally everyone I sprint with, everyone in my discord servers, everyone who comments, everyone who interacts at all with my writing - I love you all.

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Very much so - I won’t say what, but some scenes and descriptions I pulled right out of real life. I love doing that though.

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Write for you. Write when you want to and don’t force it when you don’t. This is all just for fun, just a hobby, so do what you want and fuck everyone else.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I want to finish my Please, Help Me fic, and work on a real book as well as put out more one-shots about heavier topics, like mental illness, trans issues, and sh.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@goobzoop @justiceforralvez @chaotic-librarian @dark-blue-dark-blue and the dash, I have a hard time remembering who writes a lot

#long post #tag game #ao3 stats #year in review ao3

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jina-juhi · 2 years

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I'm not your baby

Pairing : soft dom! Ten × female reader

Genre : smut (minors dni)

Ratings : 18+

word count : 5.2k

Warnings : soft dom!ten so tehe, orgasm denial, multiple orgasm, oral (f reciving), very minor bondage, pussy slapping (?), use of pet names (mainly baby) [ten is such a dream] protected sex, shy!reader, sad!reader, quite!reader, sub!reader.

Preview : You weren't in such a situation before, your hands tied up to the headboard of his bed, eyes closed and legs spread wide eagerly awaiting his touch, which he wasn't planning to give you just yet.

A/N : so turns out this smut has a lil plot:)

Triggers : Talks about characters' mother's death (only one line) but Pls do not read if not ok with it. Talks about loneliness, the character is dealing with mental illness not really mentioned in the story, only pills mentioned once, and anxiety issues being mentioned once. Pls pls pls do not read if your not comfortable with it. I tried to keep these as low as possible? Yea.

You weren't quite sure how you ended up in front of his door at literally 11 in the night, desperate? you definitely were, pacing back and forth in your room, fiddling with your phone, contemplating if you should call him or not, the next thing you remember is giving up on calling him and picking up the car keys and driving straight to his apartment, and now your unaware of what to do next because if you call him or text him you'll look desperate (which you are) but then how can you not be because the last meet up was two whole damn weeks ago, 14 days, ofcourse you missed him, more like you missed his touch.

It was discussed the last time you met that you both won't be meeting too often because ten basically has a busy schedule and ofcourse, doesn't wanna get caught, with a girl, not that he cared what people said but he has a career, to which you agreed. You both aren't dating, just sleeping together? as friends? fwb? nah these terms wouldn't be enough to describe what you two have together. It's more than just sleeping together, you both rather not name it.

You knew Ten way before he knew you, it was only a coincidence they performed at the University you study in and you happened to be co-incharge of catering. The moment Ten entered the room you couldn't take your eyes off of him, mesmerized in every way possible you offered them coffee and some cookies, you were so stressed with the job but they made it so easy for you, literally the best people you ever met in your life! Ten actually offered you some help by carrying coffee for the staff and that's how you both got to know each other, from talkin while filling empty coffee cups to watching him perform live, you were hooked. You never really thought about him in that way no! you were busy. College was tough and you had bills to pay, but since that day you just couldn't stop thinking about him, and dear lord! neither could he.

Remember you got bills to pay? Yea you worked a part time job at a bakery, maybe not the best one but they paid good amount so you had no problem. Guess who showed up one day? Ten. How did he found out? "I have my ways." he answered with a smug smile on his face, you talked for hours that day, can't remember what about but it was pretty watching him telling you everything he ever dreamt of, and you remember thinking how can someone like him would even wanna know someone like you. It was pretty. He was pretty. Soon after that you both kinda got closer? He stared telling you things and then you stated telling him things, he opened up about his life and how hard it gets sometimes, then you told him about you and how lonely it gets after your mother passed away, and that's just how it was and still is. When it gets overwhelming for either one of you the person that comes to your mind is him, and for him, it's you.

The only difference now is that you both are sleeping together, which is a whole different level of messed up stories, "you don't have a boyfriend?? you out of everybody in this whole damn world dont have a boyfriend! That's unbelieva- wait that means you're a virgin?" Ten shook his head in disbelief which ended with a laugh, somehow he thought this was funny which only made you even more frustrated. Ten was obviously being extra loud and over exaggerating when you told him you don't have a boyfriend because again college! bills! shitty life! who cares about having a love life when you can't even have a normal one, but deep down you wanted someone and he must've figured that out from just talking with you.

"shhh! Ten you're being loud turn it down, and yes I am so what? life's not fair, don't laugh." You look away from your plate for the first time during the whole conversation. You fix your eyes on some couple, they were cute, holding hands and all, you roll your eyes at them it wasn't jealousy you were feeling, it was the need to be wanted by someone, touched by someone. All these years, through everything you've been through, all those sleepless nights you hugged yourself only hoping it wasn't your hands. All those days when you couldn't breathe and tears would stain your cheeks, how you wished someone to hold you tight and wipe your tears, just someone, anyone.

"I know but nobody's is, and I wasn't laughing at you, It's just that everybody needs some action some perso-" you didn't let him finish, it was getting too heavy to keep everything inside, you blurted out with defeat written all over your face "I know ten I know, yes I need someone, I know that. Someone who could.. who could, you know what never mind" You pick the spoon up to eat the pastry in front of you averting your eyes from him, hoping he would take a hint and change the topic.

"who could make you feel loved." But Ten had to continue. "No, good" you corrected his sentence looking straight into his eyes, "and wanted and needed. I don't know what love is, I just wanna be touched and felt and craved like I want to touch and feel and I don't know why I'm telling you all this, I'm sorry" you sigh, once again looking away playing with the spoon in your hand, not really wanting to eat anymore.

"You never kissed someone right."

Sometimes you're grateful you got to know this guy but the rest of the times you wished you never really met in the first place. Yes he is the best person you ever mate, you love talking to him and spending time with him and yes he is the only person who ever took interest in you but how has this helped you? Are you sleeping better? No. Feeling less lonely? Yes but no. Sadness in your life is something you've learnt how to deal with, and after getting into college and getting yourself a job, life was actually taking turns. It was becoming less of a burden, it wasn't all roses and daisies but, it was better.

Love was a concept you didn't wanted to think about because at that point, focusing on yourself was what needed to be done. But what about your sex life? Dry as a dessert. You weren't a teenager anymore, how long were you gonna get yourself off. Ofcourse you were gonna be wanting more. He just made you more needy let's face it, ever since you started hanging out with him, everytime he looked you in the eyes you could swear every single atom in your body was on fire, everytime he said your name every single fibre of your body wanted to be touched by him.

It took you a few seconds to register his question to which you would have said no to but his hand kept moving forward untill his thumb slightly graze the back of your hand, "We can try things." Taking your hand in his and giving it a little squeeze while smiling at you, you on the other hand were trying to convince yourself that he's just kidding, like this wasn't happening, he's fooling around, you know he talked shit he didn't really mean. But a part of you hoped he meant that because after that day, waking up to an empty bed somehow made you feel emptier than before, living in an apartment alone felt more lonelier, and nights were the toughest, no matter how hard you tried you couldn't stop thinking about how it would feel to have him laying beside you, his arms wrapped around your waist, his body heat radiating into you making you feel safe and warm, breathing in his cologne and how it would calm you down and put you to sleep better then them pills, how it would feel to have his soft fingers dangle over your delicate skin, his breath fanning your ear, his mouth skillfully leaving marks on your skin, his nails digging deep in your flesh, him buried deep inside of you, you're fucked.

The first time you both actually did it, was months after that day, two months to be precise, were spent in denial and self hate for even considering his offer but little did you know he was hoping you would. On usual days, he would talk you through your anxiety over the phone instead of showing up at your apartment in the middle of the night, it must have only taken him about 10 minutes and he was already beside you, trying to calm you down, he held you so close that night like you were some fine piece of pottery that needed to be handled with utmost care, it felt ethereal. You almost broke in his arms, nobody ever did this for you, you know the 'I will be there for you' kinda stuff, you must have been light headed you didn't even remember when sleep took over you but what you do remember is that it was the best sleep you've had in years.

He stayed the night sleeping next to you making sure you were fine in the morning. The tension was thick and evident, it just happened naturally, he grabbed you by your waist and smashed his lips, his soft lips on yours, "we shouldn't." your voice only above a whisper, shuddering as his lips ghosted over your neck, lips touching your burning skin delicately, "you want me to stop?" gently nibbling your ear, you look him in the eye, and shook your head in silence, not really trusting your voice at this moment, he chuckled, "then shut up and let me make you feel good."

And this is how you ended up in front of his dorm, at 11 in the night, dialing his number hoping he isn't asleep already, he wasn't. He was sketching in his room when he saw your name pop up on his screen, he picked up not expecting you to say you were standing right outside his house, he rushed to let you in, "quite though, other may be sleeping." He guided you to his room offering you a glass of water from the kitchen in between. It wasn't your first time here, he has invited you on someday before his birthday as he was gonna be busy cuz he wanted to celebrate with you too. "This wasn't there the first time I came around?" You were talking about a sketch that he must have drawn and stuck on his room wall.

"You like it? you can take it if you want to" you weren't really paying attention to what he was saying you were too busy deciphering the black lines, they were messily drawn, out of any order forming some abstract? something you didn't quite understand, it was alluring, "It's messy but it's beautiful." you say with your eyes wandering around, watching other sketches on his wall, "just like you" he speaks coherently from across the room where he was sitting on his chair. You turn your face following the direction of his voice, and for the first time tonight you take notice of him, the way his hair were messed up must've been ruffled too often, the way his plane black shirt was hugging his figure with only one button closed, the way he was shaking his leg impatiently, the way his eyes lingered over your body devouring you from head to toe, intoxicating you, making it hard for you to breathe, his presence was strong and suddenly your body was hyper aware of it. He knows he has this effect on you that makes you weak in your knees, makes you do things you never thought you would, make you go crazy for him just like he is for you. He gets up from his chair walking towards you, "here for a reason baby?" lifting his eyebrows when he met your face under the dim lighting of his room, his features appearing sharper. You moved back shaking your head no, "No? I read the messages you sent me earlier baby, don't lie I know what you're here for." His voice suddenly an octave low, eyes of a darker shade than before, he caged you between him and the wall, his arms resting on the wall keeping you in between, "why didn't you reply then?" you murmured under your breath not wanting to be too loud and demanding cuz seeing him this way made you nervous, but excited at the same time, "because you've been getting it too easy baby don't you agree? gotta work a little for it right, beg for it."

Beg. for. it. He never said this to you, what has gotten into him? what happened to his sweet and soft side? Beg? For it? How? this was new to you, this Ten was new to you, he was in some other headspace and he was taking you there with him because you were enjoying every single second of this.

"I don't know how." your voice comes out dizzy, as if you were high on some drug, as if you were loosing control on yourself, every nerve in your body was short circuiting, goosebumps forming on your skin and all he was doing was looking at you.

"Just say what you want me to do, don't be afraid."

"ten how can i-"

"Don't make me repeat baby, When I say beg for it, you beg for it."

Shit, mentally cursing yourself for coming here, why is he like this but damn he is hot. This is getting on you, his demanding tone make your heart beats faster, you could feel it pacing against your chest, your breathing fast, it took every ounce of courage, which you didn't had much of, in your body to open your mouth, "I- I want you" was all you could manage under his sinful gaze never once leaving your eyes.

Clicking his tongue, "You need to be more specific baby" he wasn't satisfied with your answer. He moved his hands over to tuck your hair behind your ear, "I- I want you to tou- touch me." You quiver under his touch, blood rushing to your face, heart pacing faster with every second.

"Where?" Moving his hands to unbutton your shirt, you watch his hands as he purposefully makes it slow, you swallow hard. It's just a game for him.

"Everywhere." he smirks undoing the last button and sliding the fabric down your shoulders. Cold air from the ac hitting your newly exposed skin but all you could feel was hot, "And?"

was that not enough Ten? His fingers playing with the button of your shorts, seems for every answer he's going to remove one piece of clothing, glad you didn't wear much. "And kiss me."

Nodding his head yes and humming in response he unzipped your shorts which now lay on the ground near the already discarded shirt, he wasn't giving it to you just yet, he was enjoying it. The mischief in his eyes was prominent, the smirk on his lips only growing as you were giving into him more of what he wanted, he loves to see you loose it everytime, he knows just how needy you are, desperate for his touch, his lips, his dick. For him. You would do anything for him. "And?"

"Ten- please." shaky when you speak as he takes both your hands and pinning them above your head, "Please what baby?" you purr instead. "Say it." as demanding as he was, you did.

"fuck me"

His lips crashes on yours before you could even process that you just said it, the control he has over you. Melted under his lips, your legs felt like jelly thanks to his other hand holding you by your waist so you wouldn't fall. His kiss was demanding, lips moving against yours in sync, tilting your head back he deepened the kiss, his height enabling him to tower over you, incapacitating you in the most incredible way possible, taking full control of you, making you feel things you've never felt before.

He bit your lower lip making you gasp, taking this opportunity he slid his tongue in, gliding over yours, swirling around it, sucking on it like his life depends on it. His grip above your head was tightening, the kiss was becoming hotter, your breath hitched and he broke off the connection to let you breathe, you suck in deep as he moves his lips south, attacking your neck with kisses and nibbles leaving marks, first underneath your ear, then against the collarbone moving lower to the exposed skin of your breasts, you didn't knew you were holding your breath untill he said looking up at you "you can breathe baby."

Ten reconnected your lips together, kissing gently, hand on your waist moving down over your belly, leaving a ticklish feeling behind, his palm covers your heat. You moan into his mouth pushing your hips into his hand, clenching around nothing, the ache now unbearable you were practically dripping, "Already so wet baby?" he tease, applying slight pressure over your mound, you whimpered. He chuckled moving his hand away, tugging your underwear to the side he gathered your wetness on his fingers spreading it accross your folds, slowly, teasing you like he owns you, you threw your head back, sighing in relief of finally being able to get some friction which was soon turned into a mewl as he retracted his fingers, placing the fabric back in its place, he pouted at your sound, he thought that was cute, he placed his fingers in his mouth tasting your arousal, then kissing you, moaning as you taste yourself. You felt his fingers on your clit, moving in slow motion over the fabric, he's teasing, "Ten please" you breathed out.

"Take what I'm giving you princess, you don't wanna argue"

You bite your lower lip moving your hips in sync with his fingers, trying to get the most out of it, though he is doing the barest minimum right now you're still getting closer to the edge, all that 'beg for it' took a toll on you, it would be embarrassing if you came just yet but then you didn't really cared, he pressed his long slender finger against your nub, applying the slightest of pressure. His fingers were moving in delicious circles driving you closer to your release, with his mouth working wonders on your sensitive neck and his fingers spelling magic on your clit you were closer than ever, two more flicks of his fingers and you would've been coming undone in his arms but he chose to stop, his hand above your head leaves your hands, "ten why did you stop??" You cry out breathing heavily. He smiled. He fucking smiled.

"You wanna cum, baby?" Ten asks with such a sweet voice, what is wrong with this guy today? He cups you face gently stroking your cheek with his thumb, your hair a beautiful mess, lips swollen from the kissing and neck decorated with all shades of red, "You need to answer baby." He nudges his knee between your leg seeking any response from you, you let out a whiny yes griding your mound against his skin, he hums as you seek his approval looking him in the eye, you hold onto his shirt while he holds you by your waist guiding your movement, setting a steady pace, you rest your head on the wall, eyes closed, body focused on catching your release, Ten lowers his head sucking at your jaw, leaving sloppy kisses down you neck then blowing over it, the cold sensation adding up to your pleasure, "You like it like this, don't you? Look at yourself, grinding on me for your dear life." the knot in your stomach tightens again and you move faster, "Such a good girl for me, so desperate to get yourself off on my thigh, aren't you close already baby..."

"Ten... am- close..." grinding your hips faster unable to catch your breath but you couldn't care less about that. Heart racing faster and faster, mouth parted in an O, eyes closed shut, that familiar feeling of euphoria almost clouding your brain, you were so close, again, and it was taken away from you, again.

Ten withdrew his leg from between your legs, hands leaving your face in a blink of an eye, before you could register what has happened your voice comes out begging, "Ten- please no!" your hand simultaneously goes to your pussy rubbing yourself over the thin fabric of ur undie, he slaps your hand away and your pinned against the wall, he comes in closer to your face, "you can't fucking touch yourself without my permission, do you understand?" His eyes digging daggers on your skin, "don't leave me in the midd-" your small voice barely audible, his grip on your hands tightening, "Don't make me fucking repeat myself." His voice deeper and angrier than before, but you don't speak. You just look him in the eye, bad move because now he's pissed. His hands leave yours once again, removing his shirt now he orders you to bring your hands in front, he ties the shirt around your hands making sure the knot was tight but not tight enough, you didn't dare to protest, it was evident in his eyes, he was drop dead serious about this.

Ten motioned you to get on the bed, he got on caging your lower body between his legs, pushing you down on the bed face up, he took your arms from where they were tied, tieing the left over shirt to one of the wooden bars.

Situating himself between your legs, he hooked his fingers in the waistband of your undie pulling it down in one swift motion. Cold air hitting your warmth, shivers run down your spine. He brings his face closer to your pussy, blowing over it, "behave babygirl" raising his brows at you, eyes never leaving yours, hands keeping your legs apart and put, he dips his head low and presses his tongue flat against your warmth, taking a lick from your slit to the to of your nub, suckling it slightly. The feeling of his tongue pressed against your pussy, his plump lips sucking your nub, teeth grazing at it slightly makes you cry out in pleasure, he guides his tongue on your clit, flicking it in random motions, licking it deliciously, making your eyes roll back into your skull, his tongue was working wonders on you but you weren't expecting anything, better not to expect than to be left wanting more, one hand rubbing circles on your thigh, he brings the other one to finger fuck you, diligently easing the first one in, you moan out his name in pleasure, welcoming him inside you, clenching around him showing him how much you appreciate him, he moves his finger in and out of you while licking your pussy, the pace was delightful and so was his tongue, you can feel it coming again, any moment now but you don't show any signs of it afraid he would stop again. He moves his lips away from you, fingers replacing his tongue now moving frantically on you clit, your mouth left open, broken words and sighs of pure bliss flowing out of it, eyes shut tight and back crescent, you were almost hitting your orgasm, but he abruptly stopped. Again.

"Ten no nonono please" you sobbed, bucking your hips up towards him at the loss still pleading him with whatever you can manage to speak, he hovered over you moving to your side resting his head on his arm, his legs trapping your thigh, the free hand moving over your belly, "you think you can fool me, huh?"

His hand lands on your pussy, smack, your whole body twitches in shock, warmth creeping under your skin. And another smack, "Oh god ten-" all the noises you were letting out, the low whimpers and the the breathy cries, the whiny moans were only encouraging him to continue his assault on your pussy, which by the way you were enjoying a lot, the slight sensation of pain the moment he hits you turns into this, exquisite, indefinable feeling of pleasure.

You were begging him not to stop, and he didn't stop this time, rubbing you again with his fingers, this time setting a merciless rhythm, which you were grateful for, a you could remember after that was waves of pleasure pulsating through your body, your heart and breath at an abnormal rate, your pussy clenching around nothing, hands trying to free themselves from the loop only causing them to get bruised, his hands never leave your body, he fingers rubbing your clit harder than ever not giving time to you to recover, your second orgasm hitting you at the speed of light, driving you over edge, he eases 2 fingers inside of you plumping in and out of you, you came so hard you could hear the slick voice as he slammed his fingers in again and again. He grunts lowly when you came for the third time, and no matter how fucked you were out of it, you realised he has been quite, you open your teary eyes when he stopped his hand, watching him watch you as he palms your pussy, helping you ride your orgasms, you look down, the bulge in his boxers wasn't hard to notice but didn't say anything, still breathing heavily you watch him get of the bed, opening the drawer of his table, probably taking out condoms. Ten comes back, removing his boxers, his member standing tall and prode, beads of precum already leaking, he situates himself between your legs, positioning your legs accordingly, your doe eyes looking at him as he tears the condom down and wraps it around himself, the moment his eyes meets yours, you divert your gaze to anything but him, he laughs lowly, hovering over you.

"Don't look away baby, focus on me." You avert your eyes, meeting his, a hint of smile on your face watching him smile at you, he's eyes softer than before, making you feel comfortable. You were a little scared before, but Ten made it safe for you. "You good baby? Wanna continue?" you nod your yes as fast as you could which made him break into laughter, laughing like a little kid all the dominance leaving his aura for a minute. "So needy aren't you?" Ten kisses your nose softly, your cheeks burning at his comment, where's the lie in that though, afterall this was the reason you came in the first place.

Positioning himself along your entrance, he pushes inside of you, your walls welcoming him in, setting his senses ablaze, he curses under his breath, "Fuxk, still so tight," bottoming out, he stills for you to adjust. "Good to go?" He asks for your confirmation, you manage a yea which was turned into a scream because he pulled out and slammed into you so hard you sure were seeing stars and planets and everything else all at once, all the sweetness, the softness he had a second before was all gone, he was banging himself into you hard & fast, your legs wrap around his torso trying to keep yourself in place which you weren't able to under his mercy and also your hands were tied up. Sounds of skin slapping, his low grunts and your breathy moans filled the rooms, a sweet sounding rythmic masterpiece that you both were creating, while fucking.

He sat up, hands on your waist, lifting up your hips a little, fucking you deeper than before. Your hands were starting to ache, you were trying to loosen the grip all while he was fuxking you but you end up only tightening it, "I-I Ten My hand- please-" finally giving in your request, he bends over you, freeing your hands. Your hands instantly wrapping around his body bringing him closers to yours, his head in the crook of your neck, licking and kissing, whispering sweet nothing's in your ear, his pace little less animalistic now. A few thrusts more and you were coming undone again around his cock, convulsing and clenching around him, hugging him close, he kisses you through it but does not slows down, he sits up and fucks you chasing his own high this time. Relentless his movements gets sloppier and he's spilling himself into you, you both breathing harshly tryna catch your breaths while moaning each others names.

He pulls himself out leaving you on the bed, sleep was taking over you when you feel a warm cloth being dragged gently across your heat and thighs. It's ten, looking soft in his pink tee, "oh? did I wake you up" sliding one of his shorts up your legs, "nah, i wasn't sleeping, thanks" you spoke softly, smiling at him. "For what exactly?" he asks with mischievous smile and squinted eyes, you huffed at that, looking up the the ceiling, redness flushing across your neck, only laughing when he laughs at your reaction.

"want water?" you nod sitting up on the bed, as Ten goes to his table filling himself a glass of water, offering you the bottle, while he grabs one of his tshirt, throwing it at you as he lays beside you on the bed. You put on his tshirt, smells like him, it's actually pretty cold in the rooms he likes to set his ac up on high he says it feels good to feel the warmth of the blanket. It's just his small little things, you learned you appreciate a lot. He pulls you into his arms, your head resting on his shoulder, feeling his heart beating kinda calms you down, his hand taking yours in his, carefully massaging your wrists, "Was i too rough baby?"

"I'm not your Baby."

"Uh? Ok ma'am?" He asks contently laughing at your protest playing along.

"I am but like only when your fucking me."

"woah woah woah, one night of me being a lil extra and your already on level 10, damn girl what did I do?"

You laughed at his reply, he always made sure you were praised and encouraged no matter what. He always made you feel, better, somehow. You know what? it's not the sex, it's him you're desperate for, it's him that keeps you wanting more. Its Ten you come back for.

A/N: do share your thoughts, if you liked it or not, what couldve been better, or if you have any ideas, advice or wanna request something, it will all be appreciated.

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kittlesandbugs · 2 years

Note

PROMPT!! 14+E+X! I am leaving the characters up to you, and I am very exited!

I have a very sneaking suspicion this didn't go in a way you may have thought it would lol...

Title: Caught (AO3 link here) Pairing: Chargestep/hinted Chargentstep, but this is not romantic at all lol Warnings: None really, past violence lol Word Count: 582 Prompt: 14. “Take this, you look like shit.”, E. Memory, X. Put your character in a situation they can’t get out of easily

You come awake with a groan and blink your vision back to clarity. What… happened? You were fighting. In the streets, you remember. But this isn't… Your chest tightens in an all-too familiar grip of panic as cold metal bites into your wrists through the skinsuit and—

"You look like shit."

That familiar voice cuts through and you swallow down bile threatening to come up. The memories crawl back. The fight. The impact. The blackout. Maybe not completely safe now but. The Rat King presses against your mind, little paws petting, soothing, confirming, not in danger. Not really.

Not yet.

"That's your fault, you know," you mutter through grit teeth. The pounding in your head. The bruises. His doing. He wasn't exactly gentle taking you down.

"Here, take this."

You eye the pill between his fingers with the same wariness you'd give a viper. "What is it?"

He sighs and rolls his eyes. "It's just a painkiller."

You don't think he'd poison you. It's not his style, not when he can look so good with flash and bang for the cameras. None here though, you note as you glance around the mostly empty warehouse. Not for the press anyway. He might be recording for posterity.

"Stop being stubborn."

Resignation. A lack of anticipated anger in his voice. Did he expect this? No way to know scrabbling against his ever unreadable static. You aren't meeting his gaze, but not because you're afraid of what you'll see. You're still taking stock of your surroundings. That's all.

ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ ( ･᷄ ︵･᷅ )

The Rat King curls around your hindbrain, trying to ease your aching head. You can almost feel a nose or five nudging you to accept. They don't think he'd hurt you either. Forced nap, aside. He didn't know it was you beneath the helmet then.

"Little hard to take it like this," you mutter rattling the cuffs chaining your wrists to a pipe in the wall. Your eyes finally fall upon your gauntlets, resting next to your helmet on a table several feet away. Of course he stripped them off. Too damn smart like always.

"Do you have to be such a smartass about this?"

"Learned from the best," you say with a crooked sidelong grin and a mocking tone that catches in his craw. It was usually a villain that tied him up though. You to the rescue. You don't think Argent will be breaking you of this though. How times have changed.

"Just shut up and open up."

You oblige, toying with the idea of biting his fingers as he gives you the pill. But that really won't get you anywhere. You swallow it dry with the ease of too much practice as you ponder your next move. Can you control the nanovores from here to chew your way out?

ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ (_　_|||)

No. Can't deactivate the void cage without it being connected to the armor.

Fuck.

Satisfied, he backs away and curls his legs under him to sit across from you on the floor. Just out of kicking range. He stares at you, waiting. You still haven't been able to bring yourself to look him in the eyes.

"I just have one question, Riley," he finally says, once it's clear you won't break the ice yourself.

You snort and stare up at the ceiling. "I find that hard to believe."

"Why?"

It's a question loaded with so many parts, you buckle under the weight of it and all you can do is laugh.

#kitbug writes things #fhr #chargestep #ricardo ortega #sidestep #riley owens #technically chargentstep but hardly mentioned lol #i wonder if he'll figure out angie knew before he did #how many hypothetical villain reveals can i write???#the world may never know #i think this is 3 now #me rolling my ball around my enclosure #writing hypotheticals for reve before retri's even dropped lol #less uh dramatic? than other reveals #idk #i had fun anyway lol #hope you enjoy it

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sukunasdirtylaugh · 2 years

Text

two weeks from now- g.satoru

description: gojo goes on a medical visit to the doctor. a recollection of childhood memories, and something to look forward to.

tags: gojo satoru, mentions of mental illness, insomnia, prescription pills, and scars on fingertips.

a/n: this story takes place in a modern, alternative universe (meaning no sorcery or curses). well, there are curses, but not the ones we know from the manga.

"so, gojo-"

satoru fought the urge to flinch and found himself digging his nails into the leather material of his seat. he bit his tongue, a habit he unconsciously picked up before 4th grade.

"how have you been feeling lately?" the doctor asked. she was a nice enough woman, gojo presumed. she had thin silver glasses that reminded him of grandmothers knitting by the fire, and her aging hair neatly combed. perhaps better than his own.

"during our last session, you mentioned that you weren't getting any sleep and that you felt claustrophobic at night."

gojo knew well enough that ‘claustrophobic at night’ meant 'manic' and that if anything close to that word were to be mentioned, then he would have been labeled as his mother; something he terrified more than anything.

"I'm doing fine," he said which, wasn't necessarily a lie. he was sleeping better, less cold sweats occurred which made his nights bearable, but he always woke up with a headache the morning after taking his medications.

the professional in front of him nodded. once she had checked his eyes as most doctors did, she headed back to her desk before typing on her keys. gojo wondered if she had either found something or typed for the sake of looking professional.

"and how about your nightmares? are they any better?"

gojo removed his fingers from the leather seat.

A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR: when he looked down on his left hand, gojo could see the tiny horizontal and diagonal lines that were a result of years' worth of cello training, and his left hand only had one mark if you looked at his thumb hard enough, you could see the faint lines that came from holding a bow. his mother suggested he play an instrument, but it was his father who enforced he stick to it. gojo was never like this, he had just recently started to develop sleeping problems (well, if you count 3-4 years as 'recent'), but the doctor visits were fairly recent. no more than 14 months.

"they're still the same dreams," his throat feels dry once he answers.

"well," the doctor sighs, "how about romance?" she grins, "have you met anyone as of lately?"

"you know how I don't do relationships." gojo softly mutters, hoping to not come across as rude to the one person who was offering him a solution to his problems.

THE NARRATOR, A HUNGRY, BOOKWORM LOVING, CAFFIENE ADDICTED COLLEGE STUDENT MAJORING IN PSYCHOLOGY: it was true, he had the habit of quickly turning down relationship proposals. they were messy, gojo had believed after witnessing it firsthand through friends and parents. while he would occasionally indulge in one-night-stands, they were always set with clear intention. "I'm not looking for anything." he'd say with cautious honesty, but as we all, someone always fall for the other (HINT: gojo being liked 99.98% of the time). and he was a fairly attractive guy: he had a great body, enviable charm, a sultry voice he knew how to play, and lots and lots of money -oh to be a child of nepotism- *cries*

"well, let me ask you this..." gojo knew she meant well, but sometimes, the small talk was getting to him. he worried if he said anything out of line, then with a flick of her wrist and the check of a pen, his whole life could turn.

"let's give you a new dosage then," she smiled, "for the sleep."

throughout the span of 14 months, anyone with a brain would know what taking pills does to you. if gojo took his morning pills on an empty stomach, he would last the day with an aching stomach and nausea (that would last for most of the day). if he took his pills too late at night, then his dreams would feel more vivid, out of his control.

"I'll see you in two weeks from now."

++++++++

/ next chapter

a/n: I might make this into a mini series. who knows. (I'd love to hear some feedback or anything you would like to see). this was just originally meant to be a free-write, but I now feel like it's both serious, yet playful.

also, credit to "alone with you in the ether" by olive blake. I was inspired by her work. I think adding the little author's notes makes this book more interactive, who knows, but I would love to hear from you guys. thank you!!

#can you guys see how much i love analyzing this man?#gojo #satoru #toru #gojo satoru #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #gojo headcanons #jujustu kaisen #gojo saturo #jjk gojo #jjk satoru #jjk gojo satoru #jujutsu gojo #jujutsu gojo satoru

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antiporn-activist · 3 years

Text

The Children of Pornhub

Why does Canada allow this company to profit off videos of exploitation and assault?

By Nicholas Kristof, Opinion Columnist, Dec. 4, 2020, New York Times

This article contains descriptions of sexual assault. It’s also really long.

Pornhub prides itself on being the cheery, winking face of naughty, the website that buys a billboard in Times Square and provides snow plows to clear Boston streets. It donates to organizations fighting for racial equality and offers steamy content free to get people through Covid-19 shutdowns.

Yet there’s another side of the company: Its site is infested with rape videos. It monetizes child rapes, revenge pornography, spy cam videos of women showering, racist and misogynist content, and footage of women being asphyxiated in plastic bags. A search for “girls under18” (no space) or “14yo” leads in each case to more than 100,000 videos. Most aren’t of children being assaulted, but too many are.

After a 15-year-old girl went missing in Florida, her mother found her on Pornhub — in 58 sex videos. Sexual assaults on a 14-year-old California girl were posted on Pornhub and were reported to the authorities not by the company but by a classmate who saw the videos. In each case, offenders were arrested for the assaults, but Pornhub escaped responsibility for sharing the videos and profiting from them.

Pornhub is like YouTube in that it allows members of the public to post their own videos. A great majority of the 6.8 million new videos posted on the site each year probably involve consenting adults, but many depict child abuse and nonconsensual violence. Because it’s impossible to be sure whether a youth in a video is 14 or 18, neither Pornhub nor anyone else has a clear idea of how much content is illegal.

Unlike YouTube, Pornhub allows these videos to be downloaded directly from its website. So even if a rape video is removed at the request of the authorities, it may already be too late: The video lives on as it is shared with others or uploaded again and again.

“Pornhub became my trafficker,” a woman named Cali told me. She says she was adopted in the United States from China and then trafficked by her adoptive family and forced to appear in pornographic videos beginning when she was 9. Some videos of her being abused ended up on Pornhub and regularly reappear there, she said.

“I’m still getting sold, even though I’m five years out of that life,” Cali said. Now 23, she is studying in a university and hoping to become a lawyer — but those old videos hang over her.

“I may never be able to get away from this,” she said. “I may be 40 with eight kids, and people are still masturbating to my photos.”

“You type ‘Young Asian’ and you can probably find me,” she added.

Actually, maybe not. Pornhub recently was offering 26,000 videos in response to that search. That doesn’t count videos that show up under “related searches” that Pornhub suggests, including “young tiny teen,” “extra small petite teen,” “tiny Asian teen” or just “young girl.” Nor does it necessarily count videos on a Pornhub channel called “exploited teen Asia.”

I came across many videos on Pornhub that were recordings of assaults on unconscious women and girls. The rapists would open the eyelids of the victims and touch their eyeballs to show that they were nonresponsive.

Pornhub profited this fall from a video of a naked woman being tortured by a gang of men in China. It is monetizing video compilations with titles like “Screaming Teen,” “Degraded Teen” and “Extreme Choking.” Look at a choking video and it may suggest also searching for “She Can’t Breathe.”

It should be possible to be sex positive and Pornhub negative.

Pornhub declined to make executives available on the record, but it provided a statement. “Pornhub is unequivocally committed to combating child sexual abuse material, and has instituted a comprehensive, industry-leading trust and safety policy to identify and eradicate illegal material from our community,” it said. Pornhub added that any assertion that the company allows child videos on the site “is irresponsible and flagrantly untrue.”

II.

At 14, Serena K. Fleites was an A student in Bakersfield, Calif., who had never made out with a boy. But in the eighth grade she developed a crush on a boy a year older, and he asked her to take a naked video of herself. She sent it to him, and this changed her life.

He asked for another, then another; she was nervous but flattered. “That’s when I started getting strange looks in school,” she remembered. He had shared the videos with other boys, and someone posted them on Pornhub.

Fleites’s world imploded. It’s tough enough to be 14 without having your classmates entertain themselves by looking at you naked, and then mocking you as a slut. “People were texting me, if I didn’t send them a video, they were going to send them to my mom,” she said.

The boy was suspended, but Fleites began skipping class because she couldn’t bear the shame. Her mother persuaded Pornhub to remove the videos, and Fleites switched schools. But rumors reached the new school, and soon the videos were uploaded again to Pornhub and other websites.

Fleites quarreled with her mother and began cutting herself. Then one day she went to the medicine cabinet and took every antidepressant pill she could find.

Three days later, she woke up in the hospital, frustrated to be still alive. Next she hanged herself in the bathroom; her little sister found her, and medics revived her.

As Fleites spiraled downward, a friend introduced her to meth and opioids, and she became addicted to both. She dropped out of school and became homeless.

At 16, she advertised on Craigslist and began selling naked photos and videos of herself. It was a way to make a bit of money, and maybe also a way to punish herself. She thought, “I’m not worth anything any more because everybody has already seen my body,” she told me.

Those videos also ended up on Pornhub. Fleites would ask that they be removed. They usually would be, she says — but then would be uploaded again. One naked video of her at 14 had 400,000 views, she says, leaving her afraid to apply for fast-food jobs for fear that someone would recognize her.

So today Fleites, 19, off drugs for a year but unemployed and traumatized, is living in her car in Bakersfield, along with three dogs that have proved more loyal and loving than the human species. She dreams of becoming a vet technician but isn’t sure how to get there. “It’s kind of hard to go to school when you’re living in a car with dogs,” she said.

“I was dumb,” she acknowledged, noting that she had never imagined that the videos could be shared online. “It was one small thing that a teenager does, and it’s crazy how it turns into something so much bigger.

“A whole life can be changed because of one little mistake.”

III.

The problem goes far beyond one company. Indeed, a rival of Pornhub, XVideos, which arguably has even fewer scruples, may attract more visitors. Depictions of child abuse also appear on mainstream sites like Twitter, Reddit and Facebook. And Google supports the business models of companies that thrive on child molestation.

Google returns 920 million videos on a search for “young porn.” Top hits include a video of a naked “very young teen” engaging in sex acts on XVideo along with a video on Pornhub whose title is unprintable here.

I asked the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children to compile the number of images, videos and other content related to child sexual exploitation reported to it each year. In 2015, it received reports of 6.5 million videos or other files; in 2017, 20.6 million; and in 2019, 69.2 million.

Facebook removed 12.4 million images related to child exploitation in a three-month period this year. Twitter closed 264,000 accounts in six months last year for engaging in sexual exploitation of children. By contrast, Pornhub notes that the Internet Watch Foundation, an England-based nonprofit that combats child sexual abuse imagery, reported only 118 instances of child sexual abuse imagery on its site over almost three years, seemingly a negligible figure. “Eliminating illegal content is an ongoing battle for every modern content platform, and we are committed to remaining at the forefront,” Pornhub said in its statement.

The Internet Watch Foundation couldn’t explain why its figure for Pornhub is so low. Perhaps it’s because people on Pornhub are inured to the material and unlikely to report it. But if you know what to look for, it’s possible to find hundreds of apparent child sexual abuse videos on Pornhub in 30 minutes. Pornhub has recently offered playlists with names including “less than 18,” “the best collection of young boys” and “under- - age.”

Congress and successive presidents have done almost nothing as this problem has grown. The tech world that made it possible has been mostly passive, in a defensive crouch. But pioneering reporting in 2019 by my Times colleagues has prodded Congress to begin debating competing strategies to address child exploitation.

Concerns about Pornhub are bubbling up. A petition to shut the site down has received 2.1 million signatures. Senator Ben Sasse, a Nebraska Republican, called on the Justice Department to investigate Pornhub. PayPal cut off services for the company, and credit card companies have been asked to do the same. An organization called Traffickinghub, led by an activist named Laila Mickelwait, documents abuses and calls for the site to be shut down. Twenty members of Canada’s Parliament have called on their government to crack down on Pornhub, which is effectively based in Montreal.

“They made money off my pain and suffering,” an 18-year-old woman named Taylor told me. A boyfriend secretly made a video of her performing a sex act when she was 14, and it ended up on Pornhub, the police confirmed. “I went to school the next day and everybody was looking at their phones and me as I walked down the hall,” she added, weeping as she spoke. “They were laughing.”

Taylor said she has twice attempted suicide because of the humiliation and trauma. Like others quoted here, she agreed to tell her story and help document it because she thought it might help other girls avoid suffering as she did.

IV.

Pornhub is owned by Mindgeek, a private pornography conglomerate with more than 100 websites, production companies and brands. Its sites include Redtube, Youporn, XTube, SpankWire, ExtremeTube, Men.com, My Dirty Hobby, Thumbzilla, PornMD, Brazzers and GayTube. There are other major players in porn outside the Mindgeek umbrella, most notably XHamster and XVideos, but Mindgeek is a porn titan. If it operated in another industry, the Justice Department could be discussing an antitrust case against it.

Pornhub and Mindgeek also stand out because of their influence. One study this year by a digital marketing company concluded that Pornhub was the technology company with the third greatest-impact on society in the 21st century, after Facebook and Google but ahead of Microsoft, Apple and Amazon.

Nominally based in Luxembourg for tax reasons, Mindgeek is a private company run from Montreal. It does not disclose who owns it, but it is led by Feras Antoon and David Tassillo, both Canadians, who declined to be interviewed.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada calls himself a feminist and has been proud of his government’s efforts to empower women worldwide. So a question for Trudeau and all Canadians: Why does Canada host a company that inflicts rape videos on the world?

Mindgeek’s moderators are charged with filtering out videos of children, but its business model profits from sex videos starring young people.

“The goal for a content moderator is to let as much content as possible go through,” a former Mindgeek employee told me. He said he believed that the top executives weren’t evil but were focused above all on maximizing revenue.

While Pornhub would not tell me how many moderators it employs, I interviewed one who said that there are about 80 worldwide who work on Mindgeek sites (by comparison, Facebook told me it has 15,000 moderators). With 1.36 million new hours of video uploaded a year to Pornhub, that means that each moderator would have to review hundreds of hours of content each week.

The moderators fast forward through videos, but it’s often difficult to assess whether a person is 14 or 18, or whether torture is real or fake. Most of the underage content involves teenagers, the moderator I spoke with said, but some comes from spy cams in toilets or changing rooms and shows children only 8 to 12.

“The job in itself is soul-destroying,” the moderator said.

Pornhub appears to be increasingly alarmed about civil or criminal liability. Lawyers are circling, and nine women sued the company in federal court after spy cam videos surfaced on Pornhub. The videos were shot in a locker room at Limestone College in South Carolina and showed women showering and changing clothes.

Executives of Pornhub appear in the past to have assumed that they enjoyed immunity under Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, which protects internet platforms on which members of the public post content. But in 2018 Congress limited Section 230 so that it may not be enough to shield the company, leading Mindgeek to behave better.

It has doubled the number of moderators in the last couple of years, the moderator told me, and this year Pornhub began voluntarily reporting illegal material to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. After previously dragging its feet in removing videos of children and nonconsensual content, Pornhub now is responding more rapidly.

It has also compiled a list of banned content. I obtained a copy of this list, and it purports to bar videos with terms or themes like “rape,” “preteen,” “pedophilia” and “bestiality” (it helpfully clarifies that this “includes eels, fish, octopus, insects”). Diapers are OK “if no scatophilia.” Mutilation depends on context but “cannot depict severing parts of the body.”

So while it is now no longer possible to search on Pornhub in English using terms like “underage” or “rape,” the company hasn’t tried hard to eliminate such videos. A member called “13yoboyteen” is allowed to post videos. A search for “r*pe,” turns up 1,901 videos. “Girl with braces” turns up 1,913 videos and suggests also trying “exxxtra small teens.” A search for “13yo” generates 155,000 videos. To be clear, most aren’t of 13-year-olds, but the fact that they’re promoted with that language seems to reflect an effort to attract pedophiles.

Moreover, some videos seem at odds with the list of banned content. “Runaway Girl Gets Ultimatum, Anal or the Streets” is the title of one Pornhub video. Another user posts videos documenting sex with teenage girls as they weep, protest and cry out in pain.

While Pornhub is becoming more careful about videos of potentially litigious Americans, it remains cavalier about overseas victims. One Indonesian video is titled “Junior High School Girl After Class” and shows what appears to be a young teenager having sex. A Chinese sex video, just taken down, was labeled: “Beautiful High School Girl Is Tricked by Classmates and Taken to the Top of a Building Where She Is Insulted and Raped.”

“They’re making money off the worst moment in my life, off my body,” a Colombian teenager who asked to be called Xela, a nickname, told me. Two American men paid her when she was 16 for a sexual encounter that they filmed and then posted on Pornhub. She was one of several Pornhub survivors who told me they had thought of or attempted suicide.

In the last few days as I was completing this article, two new videos of prepubescent girls being assaulted were posted, along with a sex video of a 15-year-old girl who was suicidal after it went online. I don’t see how good-faith moderators could approve any of these videos.

“It’s always going to be online,” Nicole, a British woman who has had naked videos of herself posted and reposted on Pornhub, told me. “That’s my big fear of having kids, them seeing this.”

That’s a recurring theme among survivors: An assault eventually ends, but Pornhub renders the suffering interminable.

Naked videos of Nicole at 15 were posted on Pornhub. Now 19, she has been trying for two years to get them removed.

“Why do videos of me from when I was 15 years old and blackmailed, which is child porn, continuously [get] uploaded?” Nicole protested plaintively to Pornhub last year, in a message. “You really need a better system. … I tried to kill myself multiple times after finding myself reuploaded on your website.”

Nicole’s lawyer, Dani Pinter, says there are still at least three naked videos of Nicole at age 15 or 16 on Pornhub that they are trying to get removed.

“It’s never going to end,” Nicole said. “They’re getting so much money from our trauma.”

Pornhub has introduced software that supposedly can “fingerprint” rape videos and prevent them from being uploaded again. But Vice showed how this technology is easily circumvented on Pornhub.

One Pornhub scandal involved the Girls Do Porn production company, which recruited young women for clothed modeling gigs and then pushed them to perform in sex videos, claiming that the videos would be sold only as DVDs in other countries and would never go online. Reassured that no one would ever know, some of the women agreed — and then were shattered when the footage was aggressively marketed on Pornhub.

Girls Do Porn was prosecuted for sex trafficking and shut down. But those videos continue to surface and resurface on Pornhub; last time I checked, videos of six victims of Girls Do Porn were on Pornhub, which continues to profit from them.

One of the Girls Do Porn women I saw on Pornhub is now dead. She was murdered at 20, allegedly by an angry ex-boyfriend who is about to go on trial. I’m not disclosing her name because she should be remembered as a vibrant college athlete, and not for a sex video that represented her most mortifying moment.

VI.

So what’s the solution?

I had expected the survivors to want to shut down Pornhub and send its executives to prison. Some did, but others were more nuanced. Lydia, now 20, was trafficked as a child and had many rape videos posted on the site. “My stomach hurts all the time” from the tension, she told me, but she doesn’t want to come across as hostile to porn itself.

“I don’t want people to hear ‘No porn!’” Lydia told me. “It’s more like, ‘Stop hurting kids.’”

Susan Padron told me that she had assumed that pornography was consensual, until a boyfriend filmed her in a sex act when she was 15 and posted it on Pornhub. She has struggled since and believes that only people who have confirmed their identities should be allowed to post videos.

Jessica Shumway, who was trafficked and had a customer post a sex video on Pornhub, agrees: “They need to figure out who’s underage in the videos and that there’s consent from everybody in it.”

I asked Leo, 18, who had videos of himself posted on Pornhub when he was 14, what he suggested.

“That’s tough,” he said. “My solution would be to leave porn to professional production companies,” because they require proof of age and consent.

Right now, those companies can’t compete with mostly free sites like Pornhub and XVideos.

“Pornhub has already destroyed the business model for pay sites,” said Stoya, an adult film actress and writer. She, too, thinks all platforms — from YouTube to Pornhub — should require proof of consent to upload videos of private individuals.

Columnists are supposed to offer answers, but I struggle with solutions. If Pornhub curated videos more rigorously, the most offensive material might just move to the dark web or to websites in less regulated countries. Yet at least they would then not be normalized on a mainstream site.

More pressure and less impunity would help. We’re already seeing that limiting Section 230 immunity leads to better self-policing.

And call me a prude, but I don’t see why search engines, banks or credit card companies should bolster a company that monetizes sexual assaults on children or unconscious women. If PayPal can suspend cooperation with Pornhub, so can American Express, Mastercard and Visa.

I don’t see any neat solution. But aside from limiting immunity so that companies are incentivized to behave better, here are three steps that would help: 1.) Allow only verified users to post videos. 2.) Prohibit downloads. 3.) Increase moderation.

These measures wouldn’t kill porn or much bother consumers of it; YouTube thrives without downloads. Siri Dahl, a prominent porn star who does business with Pornhub, told me that my three proposals are “insanely reasonable.”

The world has often been oblivious to child sexual abuse, from the Catholic Church to the Boy Scouts. Too late, we prosecute individuals like Jeffrey Epstein or R. Kelly. But we should also stand up to corporations that systematically exploit children. With Pornhub, we have Jeffrey Epstein times 1,000.

#if you use pornhub you're complicit in this #sorry i don't make the rules

571 notes · View notes

lovely-ateez · 3 years

Text

Just What The Doctor Ordered~

ꕥPosted: 3/14/21

ꕥGenre: Fluff, Smut

ꕥPairing: FemReader! x Wooyoung

ꕥWord Count: ~2.0k

ꕥWarnings: Language, Protected sex (Reader’s on the pill), Public sex (sort of), Praising, Wooyoung has a thing for being called doctor, Dirty talk

ꕥA/N: Please respect your healthcare workers—Doctor Wooyoung hella hot tho 🥵🤚

I pressed a hand to my forehead, trying to will my migraine away.

“You know you should probably go see a doctor.” My best friend and coworker, Hongjoong, spoke as he stirred his morning coffee.

“It’s fine. I get them all the time.”

“Yeah and that’s the problem. You shouldn’t.”

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose, “Honestly, I’ve trying to avoid going to the doctor but I think you have a point. I can barely focus on anything anymore.”

“Good. Schedule an appointment as soon as you get the chance. You don’t want to wait any longer.” He walked closer to me and ran a hand along my back, “And let me know how it goes, alright? I worry about you sometimes.”

I let out a small laugh, “Thanks, Joongie. I will.”

“Miss y/n.”

I raised my head to meet a young woman in light blue scrubs. She smiled at me, but I could see the tiredness in her eyes. I certainly understood, I’d had many long, long days at work myself.

I hope your day gets better, miss.

“Right this way, please.”

I stood, following her as she lead me into a room and instructed me to sit in one of the chairs.

“The doctor you normally see has been quite busy today, so we’ll have one of our newer doctors see you. Is that okay?”

“Yeah that’s fine.” I pressed a hand to my forehead.

“So could you give me run down of what’s been going on?” She clicked a pen, grabbing a scrap of paper from her pocket.

“Sure, basically I’ve just been having really bad migraines.”

“How severe have they been?”

“I mean they’ve been bad enough that I’ve had trouble concentrating.”

“Anything else troubling you?”

“Nope that’s it.”

She scribbled some notes on a sheet of paper and smiled at me.

“Alright, the doctor will be with you soon.” Were her last words as she exited the room with a sigh.

Knowing it’d likely take awhile, I unlocked my phone to mindlessly scroll through social media, eventually getting bored and playing a game instead.

The door opened and I jumped in my seat, placing my phone aside. The young man that walked into the room smiled, running a hair through his parted black hair.

“Hello, I’m Wooyoung. It’s nice to meet you.”

As ridiculous as it sounded, my breath seemed to leave me all at once. His sunkissed skin was seemingly flawless, the closed-mouth smile that he flashed showing slight dimples on his cheeks, the lab coat and stethoscope around his neck left me to admire his appearance. He was certainly the most fit and attractive doctor, let alone man I’d ever seen.

“Oh you, too.”

He reached out to shake my hand and as we touched I felt sparks shoot through me. His hands were slightly rough but still soft. He released my hand with a kind smile.

“So do you mind telling me what’s going on?” He moved a stool that was in the corner of the room closer to me, sitting on it and slightly spreading his legs, his hands on his knees. I felt my head fogging as I fought myself to not stare at him.

“Well I’ve been having really bad migraines recently. I don’t really know what’s causing them.”

“How long have you been having them?”

“For a few months actually, but they’ve only become really bad within the last couple weeks.”

Wooyoung nodded, “Could they be stress induced, by any chance?”

“I mean...I don’t think so? My job is usually stressful but I haven’t been more stressed than normal.”

“Hmm okay. Have you been experiencing any other symptoms? Nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to light?”

“No, no other symptoms.”

“Could you be pregnant? That can often-”

I laughed, “No, I haven’t had a boyfriend in a quite a while so that’s not it. I’ve been busy with work.”

I could’ve sworn I saw a slight smirk on his face, but it was gone before I could fully register it.

“I certainly understand that. I was able to get through medical school faster than most but I was studying all the time so I’ve never really had time for a girlfriend.”

I nodded, not exactly knowing what to say as I felt happiness bubble up in my stomach knowing that he was single.

“So how often do you normally get them?”

I cocked my head and raised a brow, “Get what?”

He let out a chuckle that released butterflies in my stomach, “I mean your migraines. How often do you get them?”

“Oh.” I felt my cheeks turn pink, “Maybe four times a week.”

“Cute.” Wooyoung muttered under his breath. I was relatively confident he didn’t intend for me to hear it and I blushed even more.

“Well the nurse told me she forgot to take your vitals so...do you mind?”

“Not at all!” I internally slapped myself for sounding far too enthusiastic, but Wooyoung didn’t seem to care, giving a small smile.

“Could you take off your jacket for me, please?”

“Of course.” I said, ridding myself of the thick coat I was wearing, placing it on a nearby chair. He walked towards me—the smell of his cologne intoxicating—and put the eartips of the stethoscope in his ears.

Wooyoung placed the diaphragm of the stethoscope to my back, “Breathe in and out normally for me, please.”

I did as I was told, blocking my mind from the devilishly handsome man right next to me.

After a moment he removed the tool from my back. “I’m going to place the stethoscope on your chest now, okay?”

Wooyoung eyed my sweater which had slightly thicker material in the front, “Is it alright if I put the stethoscope down your shirt? It’ll be hard to hear your heart through your sweater.”

“Oh—yeah that’s okay!” I cleared my throat, “I mean like yeah it’s fine.”

Way to be smooth.

Wooyoung chucked as he reached down the collar of my shirt with the tool, its cold making me shiver. He apologized for the temperature, assuring me it wouldn’t take but a minute.

“That’s odd,” He stated, an eyebrow raised, “Your heart shouldn’t be beating that fast. Do you know why that might be?”

His dark eyes looked into my own and I swallowed. “I...I just...”

“Yes?”

I looked at the floor, unable to say it while looking in his eyes, “It’s you.”

“Me? How’s that?” I saw from the corner of my eye a slight smirk growing on his face.

I looked into his dark eyes, “My heart is racing because you’re so close to me.”

“Tell me, then. Would it beat faster if I got even closer?”

Stethoscope still on my chest, he leaned down, his lips almost touching my own.

The man let out a deep laugh, much deeper than his speaking voice, “I was correct.”

I was barely able to speak when my eyes drifted to his lips, “It’ll beat even faster if you kiss me.”

“Is that an invitation?”

“It is.”

Wooyoung grabbed my cheek with his free hand and pulled me closer, pressing his lips to mine. He didn’t have to tell me that my heart was racing. I could feel it. I could feel my heart rate increasing the longer his lips touched mine. My hands wrapped around his neck, hands running through his thick hair and pulling it slightly. He bit my bottom lip in response and I whimpered into the kiss, pulling him even closer.

“You’re playing a dangerous game, girl.”

I pulled his hair a bit harder and he groaned against my lips. As if he just remembered the stethoscope, he broke the kiss to pull it away from my chest, removing it from his ears and tossing it on the nearby table.

I giggled and he smiled at me, placing his hands on either side of the chair I was sitting in. Leaning in closer he teased my lips with his, giving me a slight peck before kissing down my jaw to my neck. I reached for his coat and hurriedly removed it from his shoulders, wanting nothing more than to get him undressed.

Gasping for air I grabbed at his hair once more, desperately needing to hear him groan again and he didn’t disappoint. His hands danced to my sweater, slightly lifting it.

“I hate to say it, because I’m really enjoying this, but you are on the clock.”

“Fuck it.” he growled, “I don’t have any patients scheduled today and I work harder than anyone here. I want this if you do.”

“I really do. Fuck me, Wooyoung.”

Without hesitation he pulled my sweater and bra over my head, leaving kisses all over my chest.

“Help me take off your pants, bunny.”

I whimpered, “Yes doctor.”

“Shit that’s hot.” He leaned in close to my ear, “Say it again. Doctor’s orders.”

“Whatever you say, doctor.” I pulled my pants down and threw them across the room.

Wooyoung’s hands teasingly ran up and down my thighs, making me shiver.

“You’re insanely gorgeous.” He growled into my ear.

I couldn’t come up with a solid response, my desire speaking for me, “It’s your turn, doctor. Off with the shirt.”

He made a dramatic flair of pulling his shirt slowly over his head, my eyes growing hazy while looking at his perfectly defined abs.

“Fuck.”

A cocky look formed on his face as he watched my eyes scan over him, soon after lifting me from the chair to the exam table.

He ran a digit along my clothed clit, prompting my back to arch off the table. I grabbed his arms and pulled him towards me, hips bucking into his, the friction setting my body on fire.

He groaned, head falling back as his body gave into his pleasure. Before long he was pulling down my soaked panties and leveling his face with my core.

“Don’t.” I said through heavy breaths, earning a concerned look from Wooyoung, “I want you in me now.”

His eyes widened, “Shit I don’t have a condom.”

I pulled him closer to me, “I’ve been on the pill for several months don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure?” The genuine concern in his eyes currently outweighing the lust I could see behind them.

“I promise.”

The lust returned to his eyes and I couldn’t help but feel small under his gaze. The rest of his clothes were discarded in a hurry, his member then lining up with my core.

“Let me know if you’re uncomfortable or want me to stop, okay?”

His consideration made me smile, knowing full damn well I wouldn’t want him to stop. “I will. You too.”

Wooyoung let out a short chuckle and entered me slowly. I felt my eyes close as I focused on the feeling of him inside me, feeling out of breath already. I moaned as he pulled out slightly and rammed his hips back into mine.

“You like this?” He growled, “Knowing that anyone could catch us?”

I nodded, letting out quiet whimpers as I gasped for air. His speed was quick and hard, hitting every spot inside me my fingers could never reach.

“What a dirty girl you are.”

My walls clenched around him as tears welled in my eyes from the stimulation, my moans gradually getting louder without my control.

He leaned closer to me, “Quiet, sweetheart. Can’t let everyone here know what we’re up to, can we?”

I whimpered as he picked up speed and I forced my eyes open, needing nothing more than to see him. His pupils were dilated, his face flushed, and his hair was sporadically sticking to his forehead. He looked godly.

“You look so beautiful under me, taking me so well,” He said through half-lidded eyes, “How are you feeling, love?”

I whined at the pet name and clenched around him. He groaned and I brought myself to speak, “I feel f-full, doctor.”

Wooyoung nuzzed my neck, placing a few kisses upon my skin, and I felt my high approaching.

“Touch me, please.” I pleaded.

He complied, teasingly running his fingers along my clit and I felt sparks of pleasure shoot through me.

“Are you gonna cum, baby girl? Be my good girl and cum for me.”

I bit my lip to keep from moaning loudly as I came, feeling Wooyoung release at the same time. He stilled, watching me catch my breath as he did the same.

“Pretty sure I just broke several medical moral codes but damn I don’t regret a minute of that.”

I hid my face in his chest, face heating up, “Me either.”

He pulled out of me and I pouted at the loss of feeling him.

“We just had sex and you’re still needy?”

“Listen, you just feel good inside of me.”

He leaned over me a gave me a long, sweet kiss, “You feel pretty good around me, yourself.”

Wooyoung pulled back and reached for his boxers, putting them on before grabbing some paper towels and cleaning me up. “Get dressed, doll.”

I nodded and slowly slipped my clothes on, legs feeling wobbly. He noticed and smiled at me, fully dressed now.

“Well,” He started, “I think we should exchange numbers in case you experience more migraines. We’ll have to monitor that, of course.” His eyes twinkled.

“Ah yes, of course.” I giggled, handing over my phone.

I watched his fingers glide over the keyboard, my eyes once more trailing down his chest, unable to forget how good he looked shirtless.

Without looking up he spoke, his voice lighthearted, “I can see you, you know.”

“No you can’t.” I teased.

He laughed and handed over his phone for me to do the same. “I can write you a prescription if you feel like that’s something you need. Have you tried over the counter medicine?”

I chuckled and he gave me a questioning look. “It’s just that the conversation took a different direction than I was expecting. But no, I haven’t.”

Wooyoung nodded, “I would recommend that you start with Ibuprofen and if that doesn’t work, let me know and we can prescribe you a stronger medicine, okay?”

“Sounds good.”

A silence fell over us. Noticing my nervousness, Wooyoung pulled me into his arms, placing a kiss on my lips, “I need to go, but I’ll call you, okay?”

I gave a shy nod and bit my lip.

“Do you like coffee by any chance?” He questioned as he ran a hand through my hair. I welcomed his touch, leaning closer to him.

“Love it, why?”

“I say we meet up at a coffee shop soon. I’ve got a particular one in mind and I think you’ll really like it.”

I smiled, beyond happy to know he wanted to see me again, “Works for me.”

“So it went pretty well, I think.”

“Good, have you been feeling better?” Hongjoong asked later in the week.

“Much.” I bit my lip, looking down, “I’ve got a date later today.”

“What? With who?” Hongjoong asked with a smile, genuinely happy for me.

“Um...the doctor I saw earlier this week.” I scratched the back of my head.

“Oh my god you do not.”

“I do. I really like him.” I confessed, “We’ve been texting a lot.”

“Damn.” He shook his head, “That’s definitely a surprise but I’m happy for you girl. You know, why don’t you head out early? Our shifts are almost over anyways and I can finish up anything you’ve still got to do.”

“No I can’t ask you to do that!”

“I insist. Go ahead.” Hongjoong all but pushed me out of the office, sending me on my way and wishing me luck.

I waved back at him, thanking him again before leaving the building. I hopped in my car and drove off, feeling happiness bubble in my chest.

I took a step into the cute coffee shop, looking around at the full tables before locking eyes with Wooyoung. His eyes sparkled with the same playful look as I remembered. I walked over to where he was sitting and took the chair across from him.

“Hey,” He smiled wide.

“Hey yourself.”

“Are you gonna order anything?”

“Maybe in a bit. I wanna spend time with the handsome man in front of me first.”

A slight red dusted his ears as he tried to laugh away his shyness. “How’ve your migraines been?”

“Honestly, I haven’t had any since I saw you last.”

He cocked his head. “Wonder what could’ve fixed that?”

I bit my lip, meeting his eyes, “I’ve got a pretty good idea.”

“Incredible. This is a medical breakthrough. I can just imagine the medical articles.” Wooyoung raised a hand, moving it in the air as he spoke, “Sex cures chronic migraines, experiments suggest.”

I laughed, playfully hitting him on the shoulder.

“What? Am I wrong?” He said with a mischievous smile.

I quirked a brow, “I think we should probably conduct more experiments though, right? In the name of science.”

He pressed his lips together in a tight smile. “You make a compelling argument. I think I have to agree. My place after this?”

“Absolutely.”

Final Note: Listen I know Wooyoung probably should have actually prescribed y/n something for her migraines but it’s to further the plot okay please understand—

#atzinc #ateez #kpop #imagines #ateez au #ateez fluff #ateez smut #ateez imagines #fluff #kpop fluff #doctor au #ateez wooyoung #wooyoung au #wooyoung fluff #wooyoung smut

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unknown-drug · 3 years

Text

🦋 25 things I wish I knew.. 🦋

1. Doing the same exercises over and over again will not help you lose weight. Switch it up, do cardio even if it sucks and no, weight lifting is not gonna make you look bulky. Lean muscle bruns more cals so think about it. It's better to have them than not.

2. If you are to diving in EDs don't do it for someone other than you. Be completely aware of the long term consequences. Do some research. And honestly, they are not worth the hassle.

3. Food is not an enemy. The day it becomes your alie only then will you really reach the ultimate peace of mind conserning food. You have to work with it not against it.

4. Not all diet will work on you. Don't get discouraged. Try a few and see what's work. Keep in mind to incorporate a little bit of every food group to make sure you won't lack any crucial nutrients. Again do your research.

5. Do not beat yourself too hard if you slip up. It might get you to binge 10x harder too. Nobody is perfect. We all binge once in a while. And it is acutally good when you hit plateaus and stuff.

6. Reaching my GW or even my UGW didn't made me as happy as I first thought. Yes, I was somewhat glad to reach it but I was still not happy with the results..

7. Weighting yourself every single day is not effective because of the water weight an all.. the scale can shift up to 5 lbs a day. I usually do it once or twice max a week. Always on the same day. So you can see a more accurate graph.

8. No one as the same body as you. Your number compare to others might not look the same. So yes your thinspo is all cute but have you considered all the criterias ?? Keep your mind open.

9. Having something to eat in the morning (even if it is your only meal) will helps you kick start your metabolism for the day.

10. Sleep is mandatory. Don't think that staying awake all night doing exercises is helping you. In fact, your metabolism will go down 10 to 20 % if you sleep less than 6h a night. Get the rest you will need it.

11. Liquid cal and solid one are not registered by your body the same way.

12. There is no magical pill, no tea bullshit and no fucking food miracle to lose weight. But if you do take meds like laxative or diuretic and diet pill of anykind, you have to switch it every so often. Your body will get use to them so they will feel like there aren't working. Do not take more then the recommended amount. I personally never like those because of how harmful they are to you. Be extremely careful if you are using them and please if you see anything out of the ordinary talk to professionals. It can really mess you up in the long run.

13. Stay hydrated. Your body will give up faster if you don't drink enough water compare to food. If you are fasting or anything, this shit is mandatory. And no, coffee and teas should not count in your water intakes. It is so important for weight loss.

14. Fiber. Fiber. Fiber. They are your biggest allies. Keeps you fuller longer and is the best to avoid the need of extra meds.

15. Those who will notice won't be the one you want. And those who are really there for you are not always the one you thought would be.. But do not throw away the help if you need it.

16. Do your own research on your ED. There is so much false information passed along the community you did be surprise. Do not believe everything you find either.

17. If you ever relapse after more than a year of recovery you have to keep in mind that your body has change. Especially if it went through puberty or if it is somewhere in your adulthood. If you plan on using the same old tricks you did as a teenager, I am sorry to announce you that it might not work. Your relapse is like a whole new ed. You have to relearn everything about your body. It has ajusted to your harsh treatment and will definitely not cooperate the way it did before. So keep that in mind.

18. EDs dont have numbers. Someone who is 200+ pounds is as valid as someone who is 100 and under. Stop bullying people cause they are heavier or lighter than you are. We are all in the shit anyways...

19. Take your fucking vitamins. I can't stress that enough but you need them just to make sure your body will not rupture. It can prevent so much side effects to EDs and even trip to the hospital.

20. Even fully recovered, the numbers won't magically stop in your mind. It will stay there lurking in the shadow.. try not to give in to them.

21. Keep yourself accountable. Stop blaming others or your life for things you have done. At the end of the day, you are the one doing everything. Excuses are not gonna help you acheive anything.

21. The sense of control is only temporary... One day you will have to go up agaist your demon and fight them or die trying.. literally.

22. Mixing BPD and anorexia was one of the biggest mistake of my life. Been the depressed and sucidal kid I was it really was a match made in hell. Actually really surprised I am still alive.

23. If you do purge, you have to understand a few things. Even if you were to purge the entirety of your stomach and that only mere second after finishing eating you body has already absorbed portion of the calories ! A general rules is that about 1/3 to 2/3 of it will be left behind. So no, this is not a miracle erase switch. Also, the calorie absortion start in your mouth. So the trick of chewing and spitting the food will still get you cals and it is even worse for your teeths. After a purge, do not brush your teeth. I swear it will fuck up your enamel even more. Try to swish some bicarbonate and water to bring the ph down and swallow half a glass to ease up your oesophagus.

24. This is not a all rainbows and unicorns illness. It is hard to life through and even harder to witness on someone. You will cry and scream.. feel depressed and suicidal in some case. Some of us dissociate during big binge/purge episode.. Get someone you trust or vent once in a while. Don't keep all the emotions inside, it will break you.

25. And finally, If you are not ready mentally for recovery it will never happen. You got to want it to be able to let go of your obsession. It is the hardest thing to do but it is worth it.

#tw ed mention #tw ed relapse #tw ed #ana #mia #anamia #ed #pro ana #pro mia #vent #tw ed thoughts #ed diet #🦋ed #🦋diet

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woah-were-halfway-there · 3 years

Text

Just What I Needed: Part 3

A/N: get ready for this freaking rollercoaster. As many of you know, this is the next part in the AFTR series and in typical me fashion, turn out way longer than I intended it to be. Enjoy. ☺️

Thank you my dear @andrei-svech for beta reading and listening to me yell about this.

Word Count: 12.8k... ffs

You knew you were awake. You sensed too much going on for you not to be, and yet, you still were unable to open your eyes.

"Do you know how far along she is in her pregnancy?" A female voice you didn't recognize spoke up, sounding much louder than the various beeps and shuffles you also heard.

"14 weeks," Auston replied, his voice husky. The way his voice sounded whenever he was really upset about something. "Closer to 15 weeks now. Do you know what caused this?"

"Fainting isn't uncommon with pregnant women," a male voice stated. "Dehydration, drops in blood pressure, there's a couple of different reasons as to why this could have happened. We won't know for sure, what exactly, until she sees a doctor."

"I'm more concerned over the fact that she hasn't woken up yet," the woman said.

That's when you decided you needed to open your eyes, and as soon as you did, your gaze fell on Auston.

He looked rough, and that's putting it nicely. His hair was messy, it was evident that he'd been running his hands through it like he always does when he's anxious, and his eyes were red and puffy. He was gripping onto your right hand as he watched another man and woman that were also in the small space as they did something off in a corner.

It was then you realized the man and woman were paramedics, and you were lying on a stretcher in an ambulance. Panic didn't take too long settling in after that.

"Auston?" Your voice cracked as you went stiff in realization and immediately gripped onto his hand for reassurance, his gaze moving to you right away. "Wait. Where's Mia?"

You went to sit up, suddenly on high alert after realizing your daughter wasn't with you but had to stop when you felt the now-familiar wave of lightheadedness wash over you again.

"Woah, take it easy, baby," Auston said as he gave you a look, silently pleading that you didn't fight him on this. You didn't. Instead, you slowly laid back down because you trusted that he would answer your question once you weren't so worked up, and he did. "Mia is ok. She's at home with my family. My parents are going to meet us at the hospital once you get checked over. I asked them to stay at the house to make sure Mia was ok after everything."

You nodded in response. What he said made you feel better in a way, but you were unable to keep your emotions from taking over still.

"Did she see me faint?" You asked quietly, blinking back the tears you felt welling up in your eyes as you did.

Auston paused, then sighed.

"She did."

"Shit."

Before Auston could respond again, and you could get too in your thoughts, the female paramedic approached the two of you cautiously and cleared her throat. Once you looked at her, she smiled softly before looking to Auston and nodding.

"Hi, Y/N," she greeted. "How are you feeling?"

"Not great," you admitted as Auston lifted your hand that was still linked with his up to his lips and gently kissed your knuckles. "Tired. Kind of just want to be back home, to be completely honest."

"That's understandable. We're almost at the hospital. As soon as a doctor sees you and makes sure everything is ok, you should be able to go home very soon."

You smiled and nodded at her reassurance.

"Thank you. How long was I passed out for?"

"We weren't very far from your house when we got the call for you," the male paramedic chimed in. "Auston said you fainted, maybe five or six minutes before we got there. So about twenty minutes, give or take."

"Lovely," you sighed, then looked at Auston tiredly.

"You scared the shit out of me," he told you, not in a way to make you feel bad, but to let you know how genuinely worried he was about you. "Mia is probably pissed at me right now."

"Why would she be?"

"When she saw you faint, she was worried about you, but I panicked. I asked Bre to take her out of the room so she wouldn't have to see you like that, and she was so upset, babe. She was still crying when we left the house."

Your heart broke hearing that. Not only at the thought of Mia being upset after seeing you faint, but also how hard the entire situation must've been on Auston and his family.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, not being able to stop the tears welling in your eyes again. "I-I should've just gone to the hospital earlier when my doctor said she couldn't get me in until tomorrow. I knew something was wrong. I had that feeling, fuck!"

"Y/N, you had no way of knowing this is what would happen. Please don't be so hard on yourself," he reasoned with you while giving your hand another little squeeze. "I, uh, I kind of dropped a bomb on everyone too."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry. I know this isn't how we wanted anyone to find out, but, in my panicked state, my mom was trying to calm me down, and without even thinking, I told her that you were pregnant again."

"To be fair, it's best that you did because we needed to know to be able to tend to her properly," the male paramedic spoke up again. "And, sorry to interrupt, but we are approaching the hospital."

"You ready?" Auston asked and reached towards you to gently push your hair out of your face. He then tried to give you a reassuring smile, although you could easily see through his facade.

It was apparent that he was as anxious as you were, but he had already been so brave and strong for you. The least you could do was be the same for him.

"As long as I have you by my side, I'm ready for anything."

Once you were taken into the hospital, it wasn't long before you were seeing a doctor. She was a lovely woman, but you couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable because you hated going to the hospital. You much preferred going to your own doctor. You always felt comfortable with her regardless of the situation, whereas anything else felt foreign. But luckily, you had Auston there.

At first, the E.R. doctor was a little confused by what would've caused your fainting. She was able to see how your last doctor's appointment went and that you seemed to be in perfect health. She then read how low your blood pressure was from when the paramedics checked it in the ambulance while you were still passed out. That was pretty concerning.

She explained to you and Auston that your fainting could've been caused by Dehydration, which was most common, but she wanted to test your blood to see if anything else came up. And sure enough, something did.

The doctor was able to get you a rapid test, so about half an hour after she finished taking some blood, she came back into the room and explained that your blood had a lower than average amount of red blood cells, which is tied to iron deficiency. In other words, you were diagnosed with anemia.

Being told that absolutely terrified you. It was the last thing you wanted to hear, and with the way Auston was physically pale when you glanced over at him, you could tell he was feeling the same way.

However, the doctor then explained how your anemia was more than likely just related to your pregnancy. It was more than likely that it would no longer be an issue once your baby was born, but it did pose some possible negative effects on the baby if not treated properly.

Your chances of having a premature birth, a baby with low birth weight, as well as postpartum depression, were much higher because of this. Again, not something you or Auston wanted to hear, but the doctor quickly said how the addition of an iron supplement with your prenatal vitamins should help keep things relatively at bay. She said it was likely that you may still feel dizziness, fatigue and other symptoms at times throughout your pregnancy, but keeping your iron levels up would help that. She then told you to see your doctor still the following day and said to take things easy before running a quick ultrasound to check on the baby.

Roughly an hour and a half after you arrived at the hospital, you were allowed to finally go back home, which was the best news you'd heard all night.

Not many words were exchanged between you and Auston as the two of you sat in the waiting room until his parents got there to pick you both up. There wasn't much that could be said. The two of you were still processing everything you had just been told, and it was a damn hard pill to swallow. So, instead of talking about it, the two of you sat in silence. You leaned against each other for the support neither of you could give verbally at the time.

The moment Ema and Brian entered the emergency room, you broke down. You knew, as a mother herself, Ema would understand how you were feeling, and it was not long before she was rushing over to you and Auston, then pulling you into her embrace.

Auston was the one to explain the news as you just cried it out a little bit, while Ema let you hold onto her. She kept assuring that everything was going to be ok, but for the first time in a long time, you were almost positive it wasn't.

That feeling of dread you already had was much more prominent than before, and now Auston was feeling something similar as well.

You both apologized to his parents for them finding out about the new baby the way that they did, but Brian quickly shut that down by telling you and Auston that it didn't matter how they found out. All that mattered was that you were ok, and so was the baby.

Neither of you could argue with that, and soon after, the four of you agreed it was time to go home and headed to the car.

When you all got back to the house, you were surprised to learn that Mia was asleep. It was close to an hour before her usual bedtime, but after you and Auston walked through the front and entered the living room, you found her passed out while laying against Alex on the couch.

"She just fell asleep," Auston's older sister spoke quietly as she greeted you both with a small smile and started gently rubbing Mia's head. "She was so exhausted. I didn't have the heart even to try to keep her awake."

"No, it's ok. Thank you," you replied softly, but before you could say anything else, Bre was bursting into the room and pulling you into a hug.

"Oh, my god, Y/N," she said as you hugged her back, then pulled away to look at you again. "How are you feeling? Are you alright?"

"Better now that I'm home with you guys," you told her, then bent down to pet Frank, who was looking up at you excitedly.

As you talked with her, Auston hung both of your coats up in the foyer's closet before coming back into the living room and gently picking up Mia.

Even in her sleeping state, Mia cuddled right up against her dad as he held her against his chest and your heart swelled when he turned back to look at you and Bre.

"I'll go put her to bed," he whispered, trying hard not to wake her up. But, before he walked past you and Bre, he stopped when he saw you looking at Mia. You smiled at him thankfully, because you knew that he stopped so you could kiss Mia goodnight, like you always did.

When you looked at her all snuggled in Auston's arms as she slept, you could feel yourself getting emotional. Immediately, you noticed how her eyes were still a little wet from what you assumed was her crying, which absolutely broke your heart. You hated that with everything you went through that night, Mia also suffered from it and some way. However, as you felt yourself beginning to get worked up over it, you took a deep breath to let yourself calm down, then leaned in to push some of Mia's little curls away from her face and placed a soft peck on her forehead.

"Goodnight, baby girl," you said quietly, then looked to Auston before reaching up to peck his lips too. "I love you."

"And I love you," he responded before kissing you again then glancing at his two sisters. "I'll be right back."

You watched him leave the room, then you and Bre joined Alex on the couch and began properly catching up, seeing as you hadn't been able to do that yet.

The two of them, along with Ema and Brian, were thrilled about the news about you being pregnant, which you knew they would be, but you were still really bummed over how they found out about their new family member. However, no one dwelled on that at all or pressed you about what you were told at the hospital. Instead, you were able to cuddle on the couch with your husband as you watched ELF with his family before eventually calling it a night.

~*~

The following day, Christmas Eve Eve, was rather hectic. But not necessarily in a bad way.

When you woke up, no one else was awake yet. The house was quiet, and there was no sound coming from Mia's room through the monitor. All that could be heard was the small breaths Auston let out as he slept next to you and the groan Frank made as he shifted his position from where he laid at the end of your bed.

Everything was peaceful and felt right. It was exactly what you needed after everything that happened the night before, but that soon changed.

As you waited for a sign of someone else being awake, you reached over to grab your phone from where it rested on your bedside table and opened up Twitter. You were scrolling for all of three seconds before realizing that 'Auston Matthews' was trending.

Curious about what could be trending regarding your husband, you clicked on a thread to see what it was all about. Surprisingly, a lot of it was about you.

It turned out that your trip to the hospital the night before didn't go unnoticed. A handful of tweets said how you and Auston were seen at Toronto Western Hospital, including one saying how the two of you arrived in an ambulance and how you were on a stretcher.

The majority of the tweets were people commenting, wondering what happened, and wishes that everything was ok. But, there were also some downright mean ones. Some people commented on your appearance, saying that you looked awful and how you were lucky to be Canadian; otherwise, Auston would've probably been covering the hospital bill.

Usually, you never paid attention to anything that was being said about you. These people knew nothing about your life and were indeed in no position to be saying anything, which you knew, but reading those things made you feel like shit. And you hated that you were actually letting them get to you.

But, soon enough, someone diverted your attention.

"Baby?" Auston asked, sounding very sleepy as he shifted next to you but still managing to make you jump at the sudden noise. "Everything alright?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," you lied and quickly closed out of the app before moving to face him. "Everything's fine."

"Are you sure? You seem a little flustered."

"Yes, babe, it's nothing to worry about."

"Ok," he responded unsurely, but dropped it as he subtly wrapped his arm around your waist then pulled towards him forcefully.

"Auston!" You gasped as you gripped onto his shoulder with one hand and bicep with the other so you could balance yourself out, but quickly realized he did that so you'd be hovering over him with very little space between the two of you. "Smooth."

"Always," he replied with a smirk, then began placing kisses along your shoulder, collarbone and neck.

He didn't stop until he reached your jawline and was able to see how much what he was doing affected you in the best way possible as your eyes fluttered close and you leaned into his touch. Feeling rather smug with himself, he then put his arm around your waist again and quickly flipped the two of you over so that your back would be on the mattress and he would be on top.

As soon as you looked up at him, he gave you a playful smirk and was about to continue, but then a noise began filling the room.

"Mama?" Mia's voice sounded through the monitor resting on Auston's bedside table as you and him both froze and looked towards the device. Sounds of shuffling and the odd grumble could be heard, making it rather apparent that your daughter was awake, but then she started crying. "Mommy!"

"Shit," you and Auston said at the same time as you both scrambled off the bed then rushed down the hall to Mia's bedroom, even gaining enough of Frank's attention that he followed after the two of you.

Once you pushed open the door to Mia's bedroom, you found her standing up in her crib, sniffling as she cried and tiredly rubbing at her eyes. Without a second thought, you beelined right for her and picked her up, making sure to give her a comforting squeeze as she immediately clung to you.

"It's ok, sweetheart. I'm here," you soothed as you began gently rubbing her back. "Mommy's here."

"Where go, mama?" She asked as she leaned against your shoulder and hugged you closer, then looked to where Auston was standing nearby but said nothing more.

"I just needed to go see a doctor, Mia. But it's ok. I won't leave you again, ok? I promise."

"Ok."

Auston watched the two of you interact and couldn't help but smile. He loved that you and Mia loved so much. Seeing the two most important girls in his life being as lovey and soft as you and Mia were made him feel all types of ways. You both were his entire world, and he was content just seeing a moment like that forever if he could, but then he remembered all that had to be done that day.

"Hey, Mini," he spoke up and reached towards her. "Why don't we go brush our teeth, then go eat breakfast?"

"No, daddy," she stated firmly as he went to take her from your hold, but she held onto you even tighter, instead. "I stay with mommy."

Both you and Auston were shocked by this. It was probably the first time Mia had ever just flat out denied any type of snuggles from her dad, and it was just so strange to see. Without even voicing it, you and Auston gave each other a look as if to say you knew she was giving him the cold shoulder because of what happened the night prior.

It sucked because you knew that your daughter didn't understand what was going on and that she still wouldn't even if you tried to explain it all right then in there. Telling Mia about pregnancy and how she was going to be a big sister soon had to be a gradual thing. So, with one more glance at each other and a slight nod, you and Auston silently agreed to just move on from the subject.

"Why don't we all go brush our teeth, and then I'll make you some pancakes, little miss," you suggested and kissed her head. "We have a long day ahead of us."

And you really did.

After the three of you got ready to go downstairs, Auston's family helped the two of you cook a huge breakfast for you all to eat. It was a great way to start off the day, but soon after, Auston had to leave for practice in preparation for the Leafs game that night.

Once he was gone, you planned to see your doctor, then pick up your family from the airport before you all were supposed to go to the game together. You were really excited, and Mia didn't leave your side for any of it.

Your doctor's appointment ended up being ok. You were told more about your anemia condition based on the doctor's bloodwork done at the hospital during it. Once that was established, your doctor then recommended some iron supplements for you to take with your prenatal vitamins and explained how she'd be checking your blood pressure very closely at every appointment from then on.

She also took time to check in with you and how you were doing. Her main question was if you'd been in contact with your therapist at all lately, to which you replied with how you talked to your therapist at least once a month still, but more frequently if you felt the need to. Your doctor was happy to hear that. She was the one that recommended you to your therapist almost ten years ago when you were a teenager, after all. You first met your therapist when you were seventeen and had been going to her ever since.

Then your doctor went on to tell you how she hoped you continued going to therapy, especially if everything going on with your pregnancy or just life, in general, was too much. You promised her that you would, and your appointment concluded soon after.

Having a conversation like that usually would make you uncomfortable. But since it was your doctor, the one you'd been going to since you were a kid, it made it all a lot easier. Having Mia and Ema there for moral support helped, too, especially with Auston being at practice.

Once you were done there, it was time to head to the airport and finally see your family.

Since the summer of 2017, when you and Auston had been dating for about six months, you've been the only one of your family that still lived in the Greater Toronto Area, and even then, you were only there during hockey season and a little bit at the end of offseason. You and your family loved Toronto. You always have.

Growing up, you lived in a small town on the outskirts of the GTA, then moved to downtown Toronto in 2015 when you were 18 and starting school at UofT. A year later, your younger sister Mya moved to Vancouver to begin school at UBC, then a year after that, Nate, the baby of the family, regardless of him only being two years younger than you, moved to Montreal. As your brother was in the process of moving, a job opportunity came up for your dad in B.C. and soon after, he was moving out west as well.

However, Ontario has always been home to your family. Every year at Christmas time, your family always finds a way to be together for the holiday season and continue your tradition of going on your annual skiing/snowboarding trip.

Two years prior, while you were still very pregnant with Mia, you all went to Mont-Tremblant in Quebec. The year after, during Mia's first Christmas season, everyone was in Vancouver for a few days, but now it was time for your family to be back home again, and you were so ready.

Although you kept in constant contact with your family when you weren't with them, it wasn't even comparable to how you felt when you were all together, so to say you were excited as you drove to the airport to pick them up would've been an understatement.

After your doctor's appointment, you took Ema back to the house just as Auston was getting home from practice, then headed to the airport with Mia to see your family.

You were holding Mia as you waited at the gates, telling her how her grandpa, auntie Mya and uncle Nate would all be there very soon and couldn't keep the tears from welling in your eyes when you saw them walking through the gate with their luggage. Mia started squirming in your hold excitedly, and for the first time that day, she bolted away from you as soon as you set her down and beelined towards your dad.

"Pa!"

"Ah, there's my girl!" He greeted as he let go of his suitcase, then leaned down to pick Mia up. "How are you, Miss Amelia?"

"Good," Mia replied with a smile, then hugged him tightly. "Christmas!"

"Yes, Merry Christmas!"

"Uh, excuse me, what are you still doing over there?" Mya said to you and held her arms open so the two of you could hug. "Hey, babe. Missed you."

"I missed you more," you told your little sister as you squeezed her, then pulled back to see Nate looking at you expectantly.

"Ehm," he cleared his throat and opened his arms too. "Are you forgetting about your favourite brother?"

"You're saying that like I have many choices in the matter," you told him with a pointed look, then moved away from Mya to go hug your brother too. "Missed you too, kid."

"Tee!" Mia then squealed as she reached towards Mya and Nate shortly after.

"Mia!" They exclaimed excitedly as they took her from your dad's hold, then you were able to hug him too.

"Hi, Dad," you smiled as he held you close for a minute.

"Hi, sport. How're you feeling?" He asked, making you smile hearing the nickname he's called you for as long as you could remember, but then gave him a knowing look.

"Auston told you, didn't he?"

"He called me while you were in the ambulance last night," your dad replied, then glanced at Mya and Nate as they started bickering over who was going to hold Mia and lowered his voice. "Congratulations, kiddo. Auston also filled me in on what the doctor said. I want you to know that we're all going to be here to help out if you need it, especially with Mia. Those two still don't know. I haven't said anything either. I figured you wanted to tell them about Mia's little sibling your own way."

"I do," you told him. "I wanted to tell you and Auston's family differently too, but I'm glad Aus called you when everything happened. I want to tell Mya and Nate tomorrow when we're with Mitchy and Steph too for Christmas."

"Fair enough, I'm sure they'll give you shit."

"I'd expect nothing less."

You then drove your family to where they'd be staying for the next two days. Usually, they'd stay at your house. Even with Auston's family, there was still room for the three of them, but this year, they stayed with Alice, your dad's girlfriend. You have adored Alice since you met her during your first Christmas with Auston as boyfriend and girlfriend back in 2017. Sadly, your mom passed away when you were thirteen, and it took years for your dad even to begin putting himself out there again in the dating pool. He always stressed to you, Mya and Nate that no one could ever replace your mother, which the three of you knew. Still, you all also understood that he was lonely and with the fact that he had given the three of you the world, the least you owed him was to not get in the way of him possibly finding happiness again.

Even with that, it took seven years after your mother's passing for him to find someone even worth considering bringing around his kids. However, Alice was amazing. You and your siblings have loved her since you met her, and now six years later are all still very glad to have her in your lives.

Your dad and Alice began their relationship shortly after he moved to Vancouver. They had worked together in Toronto a couple of years earlier until she moved to B.C., and they just so happened to cross paths again. However, Alice's family still lives in the GTA but vacation in Florida every winter.

This year, for a Christmas gift, you, Auston, Mya, Mya's boyfriend Seth, Nate and his girlfriend Sydney all pitched in so your dad and Alice could go to Florida for a few weeks and visit with her family a bit while they were there. The six of you told them what their gift was early, so they were prepared, seeing as the flight was booked for Christmas Day, and then your dad and Alice ended up booking a little beach house to stay in during those three weeks that had three extra rooms. Unfortunately, Seth and Sydney were unable to join, and the plan was for you and Mia to go for a week as well, but you decided against it because of how poorly you'd been feeling and lied, saying it was because you were swarmed with work.

Your dad understood and now gets it even more since he knows of your pregnancy, but Mya and Nate thought you were full of shit.

However, the timing was still perfect.

Alice arrived in Toronto the night before and was staying at her relatives' vacant home, which had more than enough room for your dad, Mya and Nate to stay at as well. The four of them were joining you, Mia, Auston's family and Steph in a box you booked at SBA to watch the game that night. The next day, everyone, including Mitch, Steph, and your cousin Chris, trekked up to Collingwood to stay at Blue Mountain Village and continue your family's snowboarding tradition during the holidays. Even Auston's family was joining, and you were so excited to have the most important people in your life around this Christmas. Late on Christmas Day, your dad, Alice, Nate and Mya were all to catch a late flight to Tampa and begin their vacation.

You were pretty excited about it all but more so happy to share your news about the new little babe you were growing with the loved ones who didn't find out because you fainted.

After a brief visit with Alice, you told your family you'd see them at the game, then you and Mia headed back home again. Auston was there once you arrived, and it wasn't long until he and Mia were having a quick nap on the couch together while Alex and Bre took Frank for a walk, and you chatted with Brian and Ema in the kitchen.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty chill, but soon enough, Auston had to leave to get to the arena, and the rest of you had to start getting ready to go there as well.

Before you went to the arena, you got yourself and Mia all dressed up in your matching Matthews jerseys and Maple Leafs Santa hats before you joined everyone else downstairs and headed out. But not without getting a few pictures taken in front of your massive Christmas tree first.

Your evening at the Leafs game was nothing short of amazing, even though you most definitely felt a little tired.

You loved every moment of being able to cheer on your man and the other guys with both your family and Auston's together. The fact that they all got along meant the absolute world to you, too, and your time at the game was just really enjoyable. Steph came and watched the game with all of you. Still, the two of you dipped for a few minutes during the third period because other wives and girlfriends of players who were also present at the game wanted to get one last group picture before the New Year—seeing as everyone got pretty messy at the girl's Christmas party a couple of weeks earlier. You were sober for that, and even you still looked like a hot mess.

After the game, you all waited for Auston and Mitch before heading home. The guys you saw as they walked by were all in good moods after the win they'd just got, but all stopped and made sure to say hi to you, Mia and Steph as they passed.

A couple of minutes later, Auston and Mitch entered the hallway at the same time and lit right up when they saw everyone. But then you observed as Mitchy glanced at Auston briefly then started racing towards where you stoop with Mia.

"Hi, Meems!" Your cousin said excitedly as he picked his goddaughter up and made her start giggling like crazy as she hugged him. He then smiled at you and gave Steph a quick peck before turning to face your dad, Mya and Nate and greeted them excitedly, still holding onto Mia.

"Why must everyone just steal our daughter before I even get the chance to see her?" Auston grumbled teasingly as he came up beside you and smoothly wrapped his arm around your waist to pull you in for a kiss, then leaned down to smirk at you. "Hi."

"Hi, yourself," you smiled back, then leaned against him. "To be fair, Mitch was just faster than you there."

"I can honestly say I wasn't expecting him to break out into a sprint just to get to her first."

"Would you expect anything less, though?" Steph asked with a chuckle from where she stood beside you, then resumed her conversation with Alex.

"Valid point," Auston said with a nod, then kissed your head before moving away and walking towards your family. "Time to visit my favourite in-laws."

You felt as though your heart could burst watching him interact with your family, even feeling yourself getting a little teary-eyed as you observed them. Sure, it was more than likely the pregnancy hormones, but you were also just so freaking happy. Moments like this made you forget about everything else going on, and you loved it.

It seemed that Ema noticed this too because a few short moments later, she was standing next to you, nudging your shoulder with hers and smiling before pulling you in for a little side hug.

Shortly after that, everyone grouped together to discuss the plans for Christmas Eve and then soon called it a night. You hugged Mitch, Steph and your family goodbye, telling them you'd see them tomorrow at Blue Mountain before heading to the parking lot with Auston, Mia and his family, still smiling because everything just felt right. And you really needed that.

~*~

Everyone was awake early in the Matthews house the following day, full of excitement for Christmas Eve and for what the day's events entailed before embarking on the almost two-hour drive to the ski resort.

You, Mia, Auston and his family were the first ones to arrive at Blue Mountain out of the entire group and immediately started getting settled into your accommodations. Your little family of three had a room to yourselves, with Alex and Bre in the room across the hall and Auston's parents in the one next door on the left. The room next door on the right was going to be where Mitch, Steph and Chris stayed and had a conjoining door that could be opened up to connect the two rooms. It was pretty obvious those two rooms would be where everyone was hanging out later that evening. But further down the hall were the two rooms your dad and Alice, Nate and Mya would be staying in.

About an hour later was when everyone else began arriving.

Mitch claimed they took forever because when they stopped by his parents' house to drop off Zeus, your aunt Bonnie just wouldn't stop talking. She had to catch up with Nate and Mya right then and there even though she would be seeing them and your dad the next day for Christmas. You understood, though, because when you were talking to her that morning as you dropped off Frank, lucky that she agreed to watch him for the night, the two of you talked for quite a bit, so you could only imagine how badly she wanted to speak with your brother and sister who haven't been back in town for months.

Once everyone was settled, Nate, Mya, Mitch, Chris, and Steph were dead set on getting to the slopes to begin your family's tradition properly, and that's when you started panicking. When you didn't start getting ready right away, they knew something was up, and the fact that you stayed quiet confirmed that even more.

"Y/N, why aren't you getting ready?" Nate asked as he peaked his head through the doorway connecting yours and Mitch's room.

"I, uh, I think I might sit this one out, guys," you replied sheepishly. To be completely honest, you didn't know if it was safe to snowboard while pregnant or not. Sure, you were pretty good at snowboarding and didn't think you'd wipe out, but that didn't mean there still wasn't a chance that you could and end up causing harm to yourself and your baby.

"Excuse me?" Chris said before sticking his head through the doorway too. "The hell do you mean you 'might sit this one out', Y/N?"

"Well, I-."

"It's tradition," Mya cut you off from where she sat on the couch in your's and Auston's room.

"I, I don't know," you responded. "I guess I can go down one hill, but maybe just an intermediate one and no racing."

"That's no fun," Nate groaned dramatically before disappearing out of sight.

"Babe," Auston spoke up from where he stood a couple of feet away, putting on Mia's snow pants and coat. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

He then gave you a look, silently asking you to reconsider because you knew he'd be stressing out the entire time you were up on that hill.

"I think if I stick to an easy hill, I'll be fine, Aus," you explained to him softly so no one else besides Bre and Alex, who were sitting next to you, would hear. "If I was earlier in my pregnancy, I wouldn't even consider it, but I'm 15 weeks, babe, and not to sound cocky, but I don't think I'm going to wipe out."

"But-."

"I promise I'll only do one. If I didn't feel well enough to do it or was worried, I wouldn't. Ok?"

"Ok," he sighed and nodded in agreement. "But if something happens, babe."

"Try not to think about it like that," you replied and stood up to walk towards him and Mia. "Have a little faith in my skills."

"I do. And I mean, you're definitely better at snowboarding than I am."

"That's because you're my Desert Boy," you told him, then leaned down to peck his lips before he could say anything else, smirking because you knew he hated when you called him that.

"Why do you only want to do an intermediate hill?" Mitch asked as he strolled into the room but stopped briefly to compliment Mia on her puffy pink coat before looking back at you. "Pretty sure last year you said, and I quote, 'it's too easy. Where's the challenge?' Right?"

You didn't know how to respond. There was no way you were just flat out going to say it was because you were pregnant, and you struggled coming up with an excuse. But luckily for you, Bre saved your ass.

"It's because us Arizonians aren't used to this, and Y/N promised she wouldn't show us up," Auston's younger sister spoke up, then winked at you.

"Thank you," you told her quietly.

"Ok, that's fair," Nate replied and came into the room too. "The Canadians have a bit of an advantage here, I guess."

"Speak for yourself," Steph scoffed from the other room. "The only reason I'm no longer afraid of the ski lift is because you all have dragged me on it so many times now."

"You and me both, Steph," Auston piped in, then stood up from his kneeling position in front of Mia. "Wow, Mini, you look great. Are you ready to go on the mountain coaster?"

"Yeah!" Your daughter replied excitedly, then ran into the other room.

"I guess we shouldn't keep her waiting," Alex suggested, to which everyone agreed with, and you all soon made your way outside.

Once the group of you were all dressed for the cold, you went down to the resort lobby and dispersed. The kids made their way to the ski hills while Ema and Brian wandered around the village with your dad and Alice.

As soon as you arrived at the foot of the hill with all of your gear, Auston asked if you were sure you would be ok doing this, and you assured him that you would be.

You then made your way over to the ski lift and braced yourself for what was to come. Mia stayed at the bottom of the hill with Alex, but not without cheering you and Auston on, of course.

"Go, mommy! Go, daddy!" She called after the two of you and waved with Alex as she watched you go.

You then got on one of the ski lift chairs with Auston and Bre and waited patiently to be taken up to the top. Once you got off the lift and everyone was grouped together, you, Nate, Mya, Mitch and Chris all took your annual hilltop cousin group picture, as well as some others.

There were some nice photos taken of you with your siblings, a couple with Steph, as well as a few with Bre. Nate managed to capture a typical picture of you and Mitch where he was laughing, and you looked like you were ready to throat punch him. But your favourite photo was one that Bre took.

As everyone was figuring out which hill they wanted to go on after this one, you shuffled over to Auston, then wrapped your arms around his waist and leaned against his chest as you waited. He responded by wrapping his arms around your middle too so that he could hold you close. Then he leaned his head on top of yours and looked down towards the bottom of the hill. Steph then went over to Bre and pointed out the cute little moment happening between you and Auston, and your sister-in-law was quick at snapping a picture so that the moment would be saved forever.

Shortly after that, you all snowboarded down the hill. Mitch and Nate showed off a bit, and Auston tried to but got a little shaky in doing so. You made it to the bottom without issue but didn't want to risk going down again because, realistically, you didn't know what could happen out there and would much rather be safe than sorry.

The rest of them went down different ski trails while you hung out with Mia and let Alex have a turn going up the hill as well. As you and Mia waited, you noticed the rental spot for skis and snowboards, and since there wasn't much else to do, you decided to go rent a tiny snowboard for Mia to see how she would take to the activity.

After you got her all geared up and standing on the board, you started pulling her around.

"Look at you go, Mia, you're a natural," you told her with a smile.

"Look at me, go!" She repeated while giggling as she continued staying firm in her standing position while you pulled the rope attached to the board.

About twenty minutes later, you found a very tiny pile of snow that barely had a slope, but it was still something and gave you an idea.

"Alright, babe, want to try all by yourself?" You asked and looked down at your daughter. She didn't answer you. Instead, she just looked up at you unsurely. "It's going to be ok, sweets. I won't let you fall."

"Ok, mama," she replied hesitantly but did not indicate that she didn't trust you.

You then pulled her up the small snowbank and positioned her at the top where the slope began. Once you were done doing that, you crouched down next to Mia so that the two of you would be face to face.

"Are you ready?" You asked and couldn't help but smile as she lit right up and nodded.

"Yeah!"

"Ok, give me five," you replied and held out your hand, which she quickly smacked her mitten-covered hand against in attempts to give you a high-five. "Full send?"

"Full send, mommy!"

At that, you chuckled, then leaned over to kiss her head before shuffling down the slope. Once you reached where the rope ended, you looked at your daughter again before grabbing it and started tugging slightly.

Once Mia was over the edge of where the slope began, you let go of the rope and let her slide down all on her own. You shuffled down the hill backwards, making sure to be there if she did fall, but she made it to the bottom without issue and was so proud of herself.

"Woah!" She gasped and looked at you, excitedly.

"Good job, baby!" You told her, but loud cheering and hollering sounded from nearby before you could say anything else.

"Shred-it, Mia!" Nate exclaimed, making you look over to see everyone approaching the two of you again, all of them grinning widely.

"Good job, Mini!" Auston beamed as he was the first to reach you, then quickly scooped up Mia and held her close. "And here I thought you might act more Arizonian than Ontarian."

"Well, she was born here," Mitchy argued. "Don't downplay her half-Canadianness."

"She's already better at snowboarding than I am," Alex added in, making everyone laugh.

"Pretty soon, she's going to show all of us up," Chris stated.

Mia couldn't stop smiling while being surrounded by all of her people and hearing their compliments. Shortly after that, Mitchy pulled her back up to the top of the snowbank so she could go down once more, then you all headed back into the resort to warm up and get ready to go find the rest of the family.

A couple of hours later, after the whole group got together for dinner, everyone was gathered in your and Auston's room just hanging out. Your room was pretty big, but with Mitch and Steph's room being connected, it allowed much more space, and no one was cramped.

No one stayed dressed up for this. You all changed into comfy clothes without having the need to impress anyone but still managed to pull off a surprise when yours and Auston's family arrived at your room to find you, him and Mia all dressed in matching Christmas pyjamas.

Everyone then started sipping on some alcoholic beverages, minus you and Mia, of course, and as the night progressed, you started feeling more and more ready to tell the rest of your family that you were pregnant again.

Your siblings, Mitch, Steph and Chris, were all aware that you hadn't been feeling well lately, and they never pressed you about it, even though they didn't know why. They knew that whatever wasn't making you feel well was more than just one thing, but they knew you'd tell them when you were ready to. So, when you expressed that you didn't want to drink that night, none of them gave you a hard time even though Steph had a gut feeling about something.

It eventually got to the point where you just didn't want to wait any longer. You were having so much fun with the people you loved the most and were unable to keep your secret anymore.

You subtly made your way over to where Auston was standing, holding Mia as he talked with Chris in the corner of the room by the Christmas tree, and wasted no time cuddling right up next to him.

"Hi, mommy," Mia greeted, noticing you before anyone else but soon had Auston turning to look over his shoulder, smiling as soon as he saw you.

"Hey, babe," Auston said and welcomed your cuddles.

"Sorry to interrupt," you stated, then looked to your cousin, who also just smiled in return while watching you, Auston and Mia together.

"You didn't interrupt," Chris replied. "But I'll be right back. I'm going to go grab another drink."

Once it was just your little family of three, you looked up to Auston and bit down on your bottom lip while trying to contain the massive grin you could feel forming.

"What's up?" Your husband asked, knowing that you were getting excited about something.

"I want to tell them."

"Right now?"

"Yeah," you answered. "I think I'm ready."

"Then I'm ready, too," he stated, which made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"What are you three over there talking about?" Mya spoke up as she approached the three of you.

With one final glance at Auston, the two of you nodded at each other, then you moved away from him slightly so that you could both face everyone else.

"Well, there's something that we wanted to tell all of you," you told Mya but managed to capture everyone else's attention too.

"Wait!" You heard Mitch yell from the other room, then a moment later, he was bursting through the doorway and letting out a dramatic breath. "Ok, proceed."

You smiled and braced yourself for what was to come.

When it came to announcing your pregnancy with Mia, it was all a little chaotic and nothing was planned well. Which was fine, but you wanted the announcing of this little bean to be more fun and exciting. Unfortunately, that plan was partially ruined when you fainted in front of Auston's family, but you knew they were excited and knew that your family would be just as stoked, which is why you wanted to get creative with how you told them.

Growing up, for the longest time, you didn't really understand pregnancy, seeing as you were so young when your mom was pregnant with both Mya and Nate. You were never able to remember who put that idea in your head, but you used to believe how a woman got pregnant was by eating a watermelon seed, and then a baby grew in their belly because of it. Eventually, you grew out of that and understood what it actually meant to become pregnant, but your family has never let you live it down.

When you showed Mya and Nate your pregnant belly when you were expecting Mia, one of the first things your brother asked was if you ate watermelon, and it's also just something members of your family will always bring up just to tease you about.

You told Auston this story when he was confused by why so many people talked about watermelon as you were pregnant the first time, and he found it absolutely hilarious. His family did, too, so you thought that would be a fun thing to incorporate into announcing this pregnancy.

A couple of weeks prior was when you attempted to tell Mia about how she would be a big sister in a few months. She didn't understand, and both you and Auston knew you'd both have to be gradual and patient when it came to helping her understand what that meant. After you told her, she asked how you were pregnant, and before you could even say anything, Auston told her that you ate watermelon and you wanted to die of embarrassment because you knew that was just something you'd never be able to live down.

"The anticipation is killing me," Steph spoke up, snapping you from your train of thought but also making you grin even wider than before.

"Mini, can you tell everyone what your mommy ate?" Auston asked your daughter as he looked down at her, then pointed to her tummy so that she'd understand what he was referring to.

"Mommy ate watermelon," she said casually, then jumped when a series of excited gasps sounded from around the room.

"SHUT UP!" Nate was the first to say something, making Auston's family and your dad laugh, while everyone else looked at you completely flabbergasted.

"Are you kidding?" Mya asked and stepped even closer. "This isn't some kind of sick joke, is it?"

"It's not," you confirmed, your voice cracking as you let out a small laugh and started crying as your sister engulfed you in a tight hug.

Soon enough, another pair of arms were wrapping around you and Mya, holding you both tightly as they did so. They laid their head right on top of yours with ease, and a deep laugh rippled through their chest. You knew it had to be your brother.

"This is insane. Congratulations, Y/N," Nate said.

"Meems, you're going to be a big sister!" Mitchy told Mia as he took her from Auston's arms so your brother and sister could move on to congratulating him too. Once he had Mia, he looked at you and shook his head but had the biggest smile as he pulled you in for a hug. "Congrats, twin. Oh, my god."

"I knew something was up!" Steph squealed as she tackled you in a hug next. "Please, I'm so happy for you, babe."

You then received a hug from both Chris and Alice after that, who were extremely happy for you and Auston. Shortly after that, Ema ran to her room to bring back bottles of wine for everyone to crack into for a congratulatory toast kind of thing. She made sure to give you a glass of sparkling cider instead as everyone cheered on your growing family, making you even more emotional as you leaned into Auston's chest as a way to hide the fact that you were bawling your eyes out.

Later that night, after everyone had wandered off to bed, you and Auston were still awake wrapping the Christmas gifts you brought to give to your loved ones in the morning. Mia was passed out on her little travel bed on the other side of the room next to yours and Auston's bed, while the two of you were all giggly and teasing with each other as you attempted to get everything done.

Auston was a little buzzed from the alcohol he consumed earlier, and even though you were sober, you just fed off his energy, and the two of you were just having a lot of fun.

"Would you quiet down?" You whispered after he made a particularly cheeky but loud comment. "You're going to wake Mia up."

"It's Christmas, babe," he replied as he stuck his tongue out at you. "Loosen up a bit."

You rolled your eyes at him but still smiled as he leaned over to change the song that was softly playing from his phone nearby. Whenever Mia was going to sleep, she always preferred to listen to music as she did. So, you and Auston made a little playlist she listens to fall asleep to every night that's made up of very soft and soothing music and songs that you both love.

Even after Mia fell asleep, the two of you left the music on so it would somewhat cover up your voices as you did your wrapping. It just all very much so fit the vibe of the two of you still in your matching pj's talking with each other as you sat on the ground next to the Christmas tree seeing as that was the only light source you could use in the room without waking up your daughter.

The intro notes of Lover by Taylor Swift started playing next, and Auston let out a pleased sigh as he looked back at you.

"Ah, Miss Swift," he said, then gave you a look.

"What?" You asked and narrowed your gaze at him.

"Can I not just admire my beautiful wife?"

"You can, but I know the look you're giving me. It's the one you give when you want something. So, what is it?"

"You know me well," he told you then smirked, before extending a hand towards you. "Dance with me."

At that, you chuckled a little bit, but then Auston stood up and kept his hand extended as he looked at you expectantly.

"Wait, are you serious?" You asked, surprised.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

You didn't know how to respond. You were so caught off guard but soon found yourself slowly reaching for his hand and letting him help you stand back up. Once you were upright, you then let him pull you in close and rested your head on his chest as the two of you began swaying to the music.

As you did this, you couldn't help but think about dancing with him like this at your wedding that happened a year and a half prior. That was one of the happiest days of your life. Dancing with him at that moment next to the Christmas Tree made you feel like that all over again, and you soon found yourself snuggling closer to him as he began humming along to the lyrics.

No words were exchanged. There was no need for them to be. The two of you were in your own little world and just wanted to stay there for a while longer. Even as Lover faded out and Ed Sheeran's Perfect began playing next, the two of you stayed holding onto each other and continued swaying as the night seemingly faded around you both.

~*~

Christmas Day morning, although kind of chaotic, was everything you could've hoped it'd be.

You, Auston and Mia, had a very soft morning that was just the three of you before everyone piled into your room again and kicked off the day's events. Your entire family all got breakfast together, then went back to the rooms to exchange gifts but had to check out of the resort and head back to Toronto soon after.

That evening, you drove Nate, Mya, your dad and Alice to the airport, then went back home to have Christmas dinner with Auston's family. It was a very chill way to conclude the holiday, and you loved every minute of it.

A few days later, Auston's family flew home to Arizona, hockey started up again, and things just started feeling weird to you.

You would've been lying if you said you didn't experience a bit of post-holiday depression. Going from a full house of people and having all your loved ones together to having the house basically empty besides you, Mia and Frank hit really hard. The Leafs' schedule after Christmas sucked and had Auston constantly coming and going, which also didn't help because it was brief when he was home.

It was like you were coming down from a really good high, but instead of things eventually feeling normal again, they just gradually got worse without you even realizing it. And on top of it all, you just felt so tired and weak all the damn time, finally noticing how badly your anemia absolutely kicked your ass and would continue to do so for the months to come.

However, as soon as you acknowledged how down you were feeling mentally, you booked an appointment with your therapist. Gradually got in the routine of talking to them at least once a week again. But even in doing that, you never discussed how you were feeling with anyone else and were unintentionally pushing them away.

Your loved ones noticed, though. It was very easy for them too. But, there wasn't much they could do to help if you didn't let them.

During those weeks after Christmas, Mia barely left your side because she knew you weren't feeling well, and neither did Frank. Mitch and Steph were able to pick up on something bothering you, too, because you distanced yourself from them. They knew about you having anemia and how that definitely affected you a lot, also that you were just bummed, but you wouldn't let them even try to help you. Steph tried to invite you over for days the two of you could just chill together with Mia, Frank and Zeus while the guys were away and was even ok going to your house instead, but you never gave her a straight answer. So, nothing came of it, and she and Mitch started genuinely getting worried about you.

They weren't the only ones who realized you weren't feeling like yourself either.

When you Facetimed your dad, Alice, Nate and Mya while they were in Florida, they could easily tell you weren't doing good and just wished they could be there to help. Auston's family was able to tell too, and it even got to the point where Ema was about to fly back to Toronto but didn't because she knew if that wasn't something you wanted to happen, it wouldn't help the situation.

Naturally, it was Auston who noticed just how much changed with you after the holidays. He saw it first hand when he was home and could hear it in your voice during your calls while he was away. However, you just never expressed what was bothering you, and other than the obvious things that triggered this, not even you were sure why you felt as gross as you did.

Unfortunately, this took somewhat of a toll on your's and Auston's relationship. You didn't realize you were pushing him away, and he couldn't help but blame himself for it. He wished he could be home all the time, and so did you, but that just wasn't possible, and it was the first time that a form of mental and emotional distance between the two of you added to the physical distance that was already there and it just made everything so much harder.

Miscommunication between you and Auston occurred more during these few weeks than it ever had throughout your entire relationship. How both of you felt just wasn't addressed because neither of you knew how to approach the topic and were utterly oblivious to how bad it truly was.

Both of you hated it so much. But then, around the middle of January, about two weeks before Mia's second birthday, there was a slight shift, and things briefly started looking up.

You were happy and more energetic all of a sudden, and for a few days straight, you just seemed so much like yourself again. There was a day that you and Mia grabbed lunch with Steph then hung out for the remainder of the day for the first time in almost a month. Your dad, Alice and Nate were due to fly back to Toronto in the upcoming days and stay for a night before going home themselves, so you were excited to see them even though Mya was already back in B.C. And even with Auston, you were gradually coming out of that wall you unintentionally built around yourself and letting him back in as well.

Although not every day was perfect, things seemed better. Little did anyone know they were about to go to complete shit and how easily it could've all been avoided too.

During a couple of days where Auston was home, he decided to plan something special for you. The weird scheduling of him seemingly being on the road more than he was at home was coming to an end just in time for Mia's birthday, and he couldn't wait. He was so excited to have longer stretches at home. Even though he'd still have to come and go, it wasn't going to seem as bad as it had been previously. And the best part was that he'd get just to be there and spend time with you and Mia.

To kick that off, on the 15th, exactly ten days before Mia's birthday, he booked a reservation for the two of you to grab dinner at one of your favourite restaurants downtown.

You weren't feeling 100% that day, but after Auston proposed the idea, explained what restaurant the two of you would be going to, and how he'd already arranged for Steph to watch Mia that night, you got pretty excited about it.

The thought of having a nice evening with your husband sounded so good to you. After how shitty January had been so far, you felt that you really needed this one on one time with him and could tell that he felt the same.

There wasn't a Leafs game that day, but Auston did have practice and some media stuff he had to do before meeting you for dinner. It was a long and hectic day, to say the least, and it ended up being way longer than he was expecting, but he eventually finished what he needed to do and couldn't wait to get home and see his girls.

However, when he got home, you weren't there. But Steph was.

"Hey, Steph," Auston greeted as he walked through the front door and looked at her curiously. He was lucky, though, because Mia was very focused on the show Steph had put on for her and didn't even notice him. But before he could make his presence known to her, Steph told Mia she'd be back in a second, then rushed into the foyer.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, looking at him as if he'd grown a second head.

"Uh, this is my house?" He chuckled in response.

"I'm aware of that, but weren't you supposed to be downtown getting dinner with Y/N an hour ago?"

Auston froze and went completely pale at that.

"Oh, fuck," he said and immediately started putting his coat back on. "Oh, my god. I completely forgot about the reservation. Fuck!"

Without saying another word, he booked it out of the house and back to his car, but Steph understood and just hoped that this wouldn't become a whole thing, even though she had a feeling it definitely wasn't going to end up good.

Auston tried calling you as he drove back downtown and got more frustrated with himself when you weren't answering. About twenty minutes later, he parked the car and rushed to the restaurant. However, when he went to go inside, you walked out.

You looked surprised to see him, but that quickly changed to a look of hurt and disappointment, which didn't go unnoticed by your husband.

"Y/N, I am so sorry," Auston tried to explain while taking in how dressed up you were. You looked stunning in the dress you decided to wear that night, and it made him feel even worse about how badly he fucked up. "I got so caught up with everything today, and I know that's no excuse, but please know how sorry I am. We can go back in there. I'm sure they'll still take us."

"I already ate," you told him, then glanced away. It was then he noticed how glossy your eyes were with unshed tears and could feel his heart shatter. "I just want to go home."

"But, baby-."

"Please, Auston. I'm embarrassed enough as it is."

He didn't know what he could say to that, so with a nod and another apology, the two of you walked to his car and headed home.

The original plan was for Steph to drop you off at the restaurant to meet Auston, then the two of you would drive home together afterwards. That's exactly what happened. But the entire drive home was so painfully silent, and Auston knew it was all his fault.

"Babe, you don't understand how sorry I truly am," he eventually spoke up, which had you shifting awkwardly in your seat before responding.

"I understand. But please, let's just drop it."

You didn't leave much room for argument as you mindlessly started rubbing your 18-week pregnant belly and moved to look out the window, so Auston didn't bother fighting you on it and continued the drive home in silence.

Steph could sense the tension when the two of you walked into the house but knew it wasn't her place to ask about it. So, she gave Mia a quick hug goodbye, then told you and Auston to have a good night as you both thanked her for watching Mia, then made her way home for the night.

There weren't many words exchanged between the two of you as you put Mia to bed and got ready to sleep yourselves. Although you still cuddled up against Auston as you began falling asleep, just like you did every night, he still knew that you were so upset with him. However, the issue wasn't resolved or addressed, and the two of you soon fell asleep for the night.

The next morning, Auston had to be up early to catch a flight out of Pearson with the team to go to New Jersey for a game against the Devils that night. He was due to be back home in three days after a game against the Capitals the following day, and then was going to be home for four days before having to go to Montreal.

You didn't express that you were still upset with him as he got ready to leave, but he knew you were still hurt. As he was about to walk out the door, you still wished him luck with his games and told him that you loved him, because even though you were upset, that didn't change the love you always had for your husband.

But, Auston was already overthinking the entire situation and had begun planning a way he could make it up to you again as both you and Mia kissed him goodbye. That night after the game against the Devils was when he decided he'd fly home the following night after the game against Washington to surprise you, rather than going back to Toronto a day later with the rest of the team.

However, the day he was planning on flying home, you called him to explain how Mia wasn't feeling good.

You were pretty sure she was getting an ear infection, and she was just so fussy because of how uncomfortable and in pain she was. It broke your heart seeing her like that, and you just really needed to tell Auston about it, hoping he'd remind you that everything was going to be ok and of course, he did.

During that conversation, he managed not to bring up the fact that he was coming home that night but said to call him still if you needed anything or if Mia got worse.

Unfortunately, Mia did get worse, and it was too overwhelming for you.

When Auston was playing hockey that night, you got to the point where you were about to have an absolute breakdown because it was all too much. Your doctor was closed, and Mia didn't even consider the idea of going to the hospital, getting even fussier whenever you mentioned it. You couldn't call Auston and were about to call Steph because, on top of everything, you felt like trash too. Although you really didn't want to inconvenience anyone, you knew that you needed help and couldn't do this independently.

But, before you called Steph, you remembered that your dad and Nate were in town with Alice for the next two nights before they flew back to Vancouver and Montreal. You weren't even sure if they'd landed in Pearson yet, but without thinking about it any longer, you brought up Alice's contact in your phone as you held Mia with your other arm and hit the call button.

"Hello?" Alice greeted you with her usual cheery voice, which made you let out a loud sigh of relief.

"Alice, are you guys back in Toronto yet, by chance?" Your voice cracked as you sniffled, trying to keep it together but simply unable to.

"Oh, honey, is everything alright? We're in an Uber right now, about ten minutes away from my cousin's house."

"Would you mind if I came over? Auston isn't here, Mia is sick, and I need help. I don't know what to do anymore."

"You do not even need to ask, sweetheart," she replied softly. "But take a few deep breaths for me, ok? I know it's tough, but it's going to be alright. You go pack a bag for you and Mia, then get her and Frank loaded into the car and come over. Ok?"

"Ok," you responded, taking a deep breath as you did so. "Thank you, Alice. We'll be there real soon."

After you hung up the phone, you continued taking deep breaths so you could calm yourself down. You then looked down at Mia as she leaned against your shoulder, fighting to stay awake, and could tell that she felt probably as gross as you did.

"I'm sorry you're not feeling good, sweet girl," you told her softly, then brushed some of her curls away from her face. "We're going to stay with Pa, Alice and Uncle Nate for the night, ok? We're going to get you feeling better very soon."

"Ok, mama," she replied, then held onto you a little tighter as you started packing a bag for the two of you, then got both of you all bundled up to leave the house for the night.

As soon as Auston's game was over, he called you to check in with how Mia was doing, but the call went straight to voicemail. After a few more attempts to contact you and the same outcome, he started getting worried. He texted his mom, Steph and even a couple of the other Leafs girlfriends that he knew you were pretty close with to see if anyone had heard from you, which none of them had.

Not being able to keep himself from getting a little anxious, Auston still went to the airport and got on the conveniently short flight back to Toronto, hoping that everything would be fine once he got there.

As soon as he landed, he called you again, and there was still no answer. Yes, he knew that you were still mad at him, but he didn't think you were angry enough just to ignore him entirely and seemingly fall off the grid, especially after telling him that Mia was sick.

He started getting frustrated and sent a quick text to Nate to see if he'd heard from you, but never got a reply back. So, he ordered an Uber to take him home, and when he got there, his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach.

Your car wasn't in the driveway, there wasn't a single light on in the house, and there wasn't a single sign of you, Mia or Frank once he went inside. It was past Mia's bedtime, so it didn't make sense for you not to be home, but surely if you'd taken her to the hospital, you would've told him and not taken Frank. So, he called you again and still wasn't able to get through.

He stressfully pushed his hand through his hair as he called his parents in an attempt to figure out what the hell was going. As he did this, he took his boots off, hung up his coat and went upstairs to your's and his bedroom. When he entered the room, a mix of your and Mia's clothes was strewn all over the place. It looked that you left in a hurry and only grabbed what you could, but Auston couldn't figure out why.

While on the phone with his parents, he expressed what he saw to them and felt himself getting more and more upset. Ema tried to keep him level minded, but he was already too worked up for her to be successful in doing that.

"Mom, I think she left," he finally stated, acknowledging the worst-case scenario that had been eating away at his mind since the moment he entered the house. Ema was confused by what he meant when saying that because she was already well aware that you weren't there, but then Auston elaborated on what he was thinking. "Me, mom. I think she left me."

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