#ive been cycling through anger and sadness all day | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

levi-inthesun · 5 years

Text

The Cycle of Life and Death, Chapter 5

Summary: Mia came to Tony Stark with a problem- everything she touches decays and dies, everything. She consents to being put in a cryo-sleep so that Tony can study Mia’s problem and try to find some solution that allows her to exist, well, period.

Now, she’s awake.

A/N: WELP WE’VE MADE IT TO THE END! I would love to know what people think about the series! I might be able to be convinced to write more... but maybe not :)

Pairing- (Eventual) Bucky x Mia (OC)

(gif is not mine)

“Well, it seems you unlocked some of the potency of your powers through your anger last night. While I am excited to see what this means, it is also very dangerous. You need to stay in control. Now,” Tony said walking off to his office, coming back with a potted flower in hand, “This was supposed to be a sort of birthday present, but obviously there wasn’t time for that. Bucky said this grew from the spot of ground you kissed in central park. We decided it would be better if I looked into to make sure it wasn’t dangerous or harmful, that sort of thing. So I did. And it seems that this flower grew from your powers as you began to accept yourself and your past.”

You felt your eyes getting watery as you looked over the flower. “I made that,” you said in awe, taking in the deep blues of the small flower.

Tony nodded, “And now we’ve learned that giving in to your anger only strengthens your powers, who knows if it works for life as well as death.”

Thanks to Loki, Tony was able to upgrade your gloves with a material from Asgard so that you didn’t destroy everything you touched.

“You’ll have to be careful until I can up your clothing as well,” he told you before you left.

“I understand,” you said, closing the door behind him.

As soon as the door was shut, you began running down the stairs to the gym. There had to be a way you could learn to control your powers.

You spent all day in the gym. You pushed yourself running, but that didn’t help. You tried meditating, but that didn’t either. Same with yoga, kickboxing, anything you could think of. Your favorite ABBA album began to play through the speakers you had playing loudly, and you started dancing and singing along. Before you knew it, you began to feel the feelings you were holding onto being released. The anger, the disappointment, the pain, the sadness. All of it was released from your body as you danced around the gym. You found yourself belting the first words of the song, Mamma Mia, when he came in.

“I was cheated by you! I think you know when!”

“I know when too,” his voice carried over the music, straight to your ears. You turned to face him, asking FRIDAY to turn off the music, silence suddenly filling the now empty air. “I was being honest when I said I was being an idiot last night, um, the yelling before that, that was bullshit.”

You crossed your arms, “You really hurt me, James.”

“Yeah, I did that, and I feel completely awful about it. As soon as the words were coming out of my mouth I regretted it. Then you called me Bucky and I just… I don’t know, I don’t want to give you excuses as to why I acted the way I did, I just hope you understand how disappointed in myself and sorry I am.” He took a step towards you, and when you didn’t move, he took another.

“It seemed like you and Loki were really hitting it off, and rather than just asking you about it, I assumed you didn’t care for me the way I was hoping you did. And then I saw you touch him and I couldn’t take it.” He took another few steps until you were only a foot or so apart. “Can you forgive me?”

Your face broke down, “Yes, of course, I can. Will you forgive me for reacting the way I did? I knew it was mean, and that it would alter my powers, but I let my hurt get the best of me.”

James broke out in a smile, “Please, any sane person would have reacted similarly, but yes, I do forgive you.”

“Good,” you said as you took a small step closer to him. You were about to lean in and close the gap between you two when Steve burst through the doors.

“MIA DON’T TOUCH HIM!” He called out, “WAIT!”

You both turned to him, confused, but obliging by stepping apart and showing him your hands. You were both rushed back up to the lab where you had left Tony not even two hours ago.

“Oh good,” Tony said, letting out a breath he seemed to be holding. He sat you down on the table as he began looking you over. “Loki came by again a few minutes ago. When you had touched him, he had gotten a sense of your powers, and then again as it shifted after your fight with Bucky. He said you may be feeling lighter, maybe that you were able to let go of some of your anger, but it was just the darkness ebbing to come back harder and take over. If that happens, we are doomed.”

“Shit. I knew this felt too good to be true,” you rubbed your hands over your face as you absorbed the new information. Then, you took off your gloves, much to everyone’s disapproval, to see your veins turning black. You pulled up your sleeve to see it going up your arms, an without thinking threw off your shirt to see it beginning to reach your heart.

“It’s almost too late,” Tony said before running around, sending demands to Steve and Bucky who did as he said.

“Mia, my darling Mia, you are going to have to go to sleep now. If we don’t slow your heart, you may be taken over completely.” You nodded your head and laid down. He attached an IV to a vein that hadn’t been taken over yet, which was, unfortunately in your neck. “Do you trust me?” he asked quickly.

“Yes. Do it. Bring me back to J-” the cool liquid spread through your veins, taking you over quickly.

You woke up to blackness, at least you thought you were awake. You began walking around, the wet ground sloshed as your bare feet moved forward.

“Hello?” you called, only hearing your echo answer you. “Hello?”, you stopped mid-step when you felt rumbling beneath you. You took a few steps back only to be met by something solid and slick.

“Hello,” it said. You turned around only to be met with yourself, except your eyes were void of all color and what seemed to look like black tattoos covered your hands and circled up your arms.

“Who are you?” you asked.

“You know who I am,” it replied.

You shook your head, a sick feeling taking over.

“SAY IT!” it demanded.

“You are what lives inside me,” you responded.

You were met by a sickening laugh, “You think I am simply what lives inside you? HA! Wrong. I am you. You are a shell of me. We bring destruction in our wake. The worlds bow to us, pleading to be speared. We are Death. We are Decay. We are infecting everyone around us, no matter how immune you may feel they are. Look at your friends now, dying from your touch.”

Suddenly you could see Bucky and Loki, Wanda and Nat, Tony, Steve, everyone gasping for air as the infection spread throughout their bodies.

“No.” you stated. “I don’t believe you. Why should I?” You demanded.

“Getting fire-y on us now, I see? It isn’t going to help. Because soon everyone you thought you loved will be dead and we will reign supreme, together, whether you choose to or not. But trust me when I say, in the end, you will choose to.”

The blackness began to crawl up your legs, around your torso, your arms, only leaving your head and neck free from its grasp. Raising you up from the ground, you began to see the things you never allowed yourself to see.

Children crying out in pain as death and decay overcame them. Leaders bowing at your feet, worshiping you. Decay spreading, taking over every living thing that came into its reach. And then you saw yourself, beautiful and powerful.

“NO!” You screamed, “STOP!”

Bucky was given the task of observing you for any changes in breathing, heart rate, temperature, and pulse. Nothing had changed, until now, 12 hours since you were put to sleep. Your temperature was dropping quickly and you began seizing.

“TONY!” he yelled, “GET OVER HERE!”

Right before they were about to cover your already restrained body in warm blankets, Wanda stopped you.

“No.” she demanded, eyes blank, focused only on you. “She is fighting. No matter what happens, do not alter her state.” Wanda took the seat Bucky had been seated in and began to explain what was happening within you. “It calls itself Death and Decay,” she began, eyes in a trance, unmoving from your frame. “Death and Decay has declared that it is Mia and that Mia is a shell of Death and Decay. It offers her power and control. She is convincing Mia that all of us are gone because of her. That her wrath of our death would be better used to its advantage. It is very close to winning.” Wanda stopped, eyes coming back to her surroundings, gasping for air.

“Wanda! Are you okay?” Steve asked, rushing to her side.

“It… it wanted me to tell you that,” she said, rubbing her temples, “But it lied. The cold is feeding it.”

They covered you in thick, warm blankets, and screams erupted from your body as it thrashed about. Steve had to hold Bucky back as your eyes shot open, blackness replacing your blue, almost lavender irises he loved so much.

Your body continued to thrash about until you had broken the restraints holding you down as Death began speaking. “You will never have her back!” she roared, “She belongs to me now. BOW BEFORE DEATH AND DECAY!”

When no one moved to obey your command, you looked at them, one by one. “Tony Stark. You have avoided me for far too long, it’s about time you are rolling in your grave.” It turned to Steve next, “Steven Rogers, ah, America’s Hero. You were born a sickly child and was meant to die a sickly child, how about I bring you back so you can fully feel the power I inflict? And James Barnes,” you said, twisting your lips into a menacing grin, “The one who was silly enough to love her. I might spare you. You are the asset of hydra. You helped bring death to many. That will be rewarded if you bow to me.”

A chill fell over the room. As it did, everyone toppled to the ground crying out in anguish.

“YES!” You called, “Feed me with your screams!”

“Stop.” Your voice rang out over Death and Decay. “You are not welcome here.” Death turned to face you, anger and confusion fell over its face. “How dare you defy me! You will pay for this!”

“No, I won’t,” you stated, “You will.”

You then plunged a knife you had found through its body, where its heart should be. Its cries echoed loudly, reverberating through your own body as it seemed to disappear.

Then, you woke up.

Your eyes slowly blinked open, the sunlight practically blinding you.

“Well, good morning Amelia, how are you feeling?” A man asked.

“Uh, confused. What is going on?” You looked around you to see a lab that looked incredibly familiar. The man did as well, but you couldn’t place how you knew him.

“That makes sense, you have been in cryostasis for the last few years. Your memories will begin to return to you slowly, so be sure to be patient with yourself. My name is Tony Stark, you came to me five years ago after you had been captured and experimented on by some radical group. This is Shuri, sh-”

“She can speak for herself,” a young woman with a thick African accent approached you. “I am the reason you are still alive, no thanks to the colonizer.” She said rolling her eyes. “Before Tony can interrupt me, let me begin to explain what has been going on for the last five years, both with my discoveries, and what you have missed.”

Shuri suggested you slowly reorient yourself to pop culture and take it easy with making friends. “You’ve been alone with your mind for a long while, don’t need to scare yourself,” she had said chuckling.

You spent a few weeks with Shuri, Tony, Dr. Banner, and a young man named Peter Parker. Peter and Shuri seemed to have some secret language because no one knew what they were talking about.

You were taught different techniques to control your powers. Shuri had been able to tap into your brain and literally rewire it, giving you the upper hand on your abilities. “One of the few reasons you came to me-”

“You mean one of the reasons she came to me,” Tony corrected.

“No, you do not get that credit. You made more problems for me to fix.” She then turned back to you, “one of the reasons was because you had no control over both your powers and your mind. Memories and the ways the group had used to brainwash you would overpower everything, causing you to act erratically. We have successfully erased the coding they used to control you. Now, the real work begins as you learn to stop giving your memories the power to control you.”

You took in a deep breath, “This is going to be painful, isn’t it?”

Shuri only smiled at you.

Your lessons were going well, and you were beginning to stop getting in your own way and you began to see the vast abilities you held within you. Not only could you destroy with just a touch, but you could bring to life something from nothing. You spent most of your days practicing meditation to stay disciplined or tending to a garden on the roof.

You were wearing a tank top and high waisted cotton pants, your favorite outfit that allowed you to feel the breeze, despite how thick and humid it was. The sun beating down on you as you hummed, clearing out the weeds in the bed of strawberry plants when you heard the door open behind you.

You took off your gardening gloves, and stood up, wiping any dirt from your pants. “Hello,” you said cheerfully.

“Hi, Amelia, right?” the man asked as he approached and you nodded. “I’m Bucky. Shuri has asked that I help you settle in. I have gone through readjusting after cryostasis.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Bucky. Glad someone understands,” you said, chuckling softly.

Bucky extended his hand to you, and as you took it, your eyes shot up to his.

“You sure we haven’t met before?” You asked carefully.

Except, Bucky wasn’t looking at you, he was looking curiously at the little dark blue flower in the middle of the bed of strawberries.

“N-no, I don’t believe we have.”

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes x mia #bucky barnes x ofc #Avengers #avengers fanfiction #avengers fanfic #OC x avengers #marvel #Marvel Universe #marvel fanfiction #marvel fanfic

4 notes · View notes

robynsheart · 4 years

Text

2019, thank you but definitely next.

2019 has definitely been really weird. I think what's even more weird about it is how, just a second ago it was January and now we're bidding goodbye to it. It feels like it was an absolute blur and as much as I'd like to claim that I was fully present and really living my best life, I did most things just so I can say iv done them. It was fun, I won't lie but I sometimes wonder if the intent was ever really pure. Nonetheless I needed this year for healing, I never thought I would be able to get back on my feet, I'm not fully back but just regaining something within myself that I feel I had lost. Something as simple as humor and just the lightweight feeling of not taking life too seriously - I could also credit that to wine😂 but you get what I'm saying.

Another weird thing about 2019 was how I couldn't hide my own vulnerability to myself. As someone who is really open and about self awareness, I am really not about vulnerability. I would often look at how vulnerable my mother is with me with judgment, to some extent it reflected how I think people respond when you are vulnerable. I am afraid of becoming to vulnerable with people because of judgment obviously, but this year my entire self started a process without my permission to ACT OUT when I try to hide how I feel. Every negative feeling that has gone unnoticed or even ignored has manifested itself in ways I couldn't even imagine and iv experienced so much hate and anger that iv never experienced in my entire existence. I don't know how to fully process the negative things which are bound to happen in life yet, I think in the past my way of dealing with anything was pretending it wasn't there so now I have to actually face the music and deal with things. I do it at a very premature level, but I hope this is something I can work on as the years go - building up a good ass communication with some vulnerability. The messed up part is the idea of also not being vulnerable with myself, it's honestly shooting myself in the foot. I can't figure out how I feel like I am also an enemy and hence can't become vulnerable with myself - I have endured so much judgment and hate from myself without realizing it and it's crazy that spirit and soul that hosts all my experiences s till won't feel safe even in its own home.

I have discredited whatever it is that I have needed to say or which ever move that I needed to make with just a "uh nope that's not your lane". I think it's very important to have moments of vulnerability with yourself so that you can share it with other people, so when a vulnerable moment has to happen with someone else it doesn't feel so foreign in your spirit.

My spirit this year has felt exhausted more and more with each day. I keep thinking it reminds me of the time when I was in Highschool and I was literally in the passenger seat of my own life. Highschool was weird because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing and I kept going and going. It created a monotonous vibe in my life and I was in a space where I was just getting by and always promising myself better but never showing up for myself. There's a vivid memory of me sitting in church during a sermon and having the thought that I'd start reading the Bible more from the coming week, did I ever? NO! I find myself literally in the same damn cycle. I used to read a lot and I just outgrew the habit but I find myself wanting to go back to reading, I set myself up for such a fail because I know I won't be in that mood but I keep selling myself dreams about becoming that person. I am always tired and never really want to honour some of the stuff I say I will do because I just don't hold myself accountable. I genuinely hate being in the passenger seat of my own life when I know there is something I can do but won't do because I am demotivated and lazy,it's a sad space to be in.

There has been good too about this year, I'm just not sure I am in a position to recognize it because it's not the form that I would have it you know? The silent blessings that we don't recognize because we are overlooking them to see if your cup is being filled with the same shit as your neighbor or friend. I think when everything has felt like the biggest exhaustion it becomes hard to recognize something which is a blessing, I remember telling my friend that it's weird how I alway think that I will only start living or become happy once iv reached certain milestones in my life and at that time, relationships (romantic) was number one on the list. I don't remember what the second was but there we're two specific things which I felt that if I had to have, I then would become happy or have everything that I have ever wanted in life, which my dear is so fucked up. If anything after that statement, and getting into a relationship shortly thereafter I need to realize how miserable I was trying to carry another human being who didn't need to be carried. We sacrifice SOMUCH just to have what other people, because it looks glamorous but it isn't always. The relationship I entered into after that statement was one of the Worst I had ever been in, listen if you need to go the movies take your friends. Develop friendships, develop actual relationships with people so you know people and people know you. The shit that's going on right now regarding relationship is genuinely the GHETTO and no one can convince me otherwise. We're literally trying to piece together items with weird stuff, there seems to be no genuine care for the other person or even respect. Another thing is that people don't really know each other and people don't really like each other that much. It's all based on some superficial aspect and honestly for me it cannot be physical because (1) Cute niggas are never attract to me (2) I am never attracted to cute niggas lol. Whoever I date, I date based on personality, but that still isn't enough. There are some very fake bonds that we have with people out here that are very dangerous.

I know from my side that Iv tried to make homes of human beings, and in the year where I have struggled so much with adapting to loosing friends and having people leave my life (growing up). I have tried to make a placemat with other human beings just trying to fill up this empty space which once was friendships and sisterhood. The most painful honestly, you know when you fight with someone and you loose them, it almost justifies how you feel and where you can direct your anger towards but when someone outgrows you or moves on to a totally different path, it's a bit weird. You don't know how to fathom that type of loss, because that person is still there and probably loves you as much but has just moved on. It's the biggest mindfuck, and I found myself saying to myself way too many times that you cannot posses people, you can only experience them and that's what happens. I have been struggling to find a positive way of moving on, I almost feel as though my body knows war only and recognizes war only and therefore even in situations where there isnt war, I don't know how to love and bless that person without feeling sometype of betrayal. Realizing that person still wishes you great in life but not knowing how to receive because they have decided to leave you (in your head). It's like I only know how to comprehend love if it is a certain way and if it's not in that way then it feels like rejection. My thing now has been wanting to get over that person as if they have hurt me, and I think we owe people that sense of freedom and liberation. We cannot hold on to people like that, I am trying to find a way to understand what has happened without being angry, without judgment and obsession by just letting that person go (if that's what meant to happen).

I don't know if the walls I have built have made it difficult for me to love other people without reservation. I think about how difficult it has become for me to full celebrate people that are in my life without feeling like my own shine is being restraint. I often think about how my self love/hate shows up immensely in very narcissistic ways and then quickly inferior. It's so crazy how this cycle works, it's obviously an ego thing but wow. I genuinely either love myself in a narcissistic way or I am hating myself to wards inferiority. There's no in-between and there's no healthy love, hence sometimes there isn't even a healthy love for others. It's always about me, not too sure why but to some extent the idea of my own insecurity and an unsettling image of self is what pushes through. I don't get the idea of becoming jealous and hateful of friends because they have something you don't have or even the idea that someone is prettier or gets more attention that you do. These are things which happen in life, actual things and I sometimes feel like it takes away from the bigger picture because we are so self absorbed. It's focusing on the small nitty-grittys that have nothing to do with anything. I almost feel like as person you don't have anything going on for you in your life or something to focus on that becomes your only win, which is the really ridiculous but very valid. Focusing on so much more of your wins puts you in a better place I guess to recognize other people's wins. In a perfect world we're all winning but in reality we all win at different points in our lives and really have to acknowledge when someone else wins.

It's not always easy to praise someone else's win, especially when you can't recognize your own or even praise your small wins. The idea of not being able to praise some of my friends wins has made me feel like a terrible person but I have to understand that I am battling an inner ego, this one girl said that you need to love yourself enough to want see yourself win or something like that and I think my shadow believes still believe in playing small and hence there's this huge constraint towards me being the highest version of myself. But this isn't the person I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to be hateful and salty about seeing people achieve things that they have worked hard for, that's not a healthy space to be. I don't know if as human beings we could ever be fully happy for each other but I want to try and attain that space, believing that maybe my portion is waiting for me :)

1 note · View note

curiouskrp · 5 years

Photo

“WELCOMING APT 5B TENANT, KIM YANI !

INFORMATION

age – 25 pronouns – she/her occupation – gs25 night manager moved into treehouse – six months ago

PERSONALITY: ISFP, THE ADVENTURER

positive –

artistic / passionate, obsessive, curious, imaginative, creative - over the years there have been many adjectives used to pinpoint yani’s ferocious obsession with the aesthetic, with knowledge and beauty. from painting to literature, film to sculpting, she’s busied overeager hands with innumerable past times. a bout of interest in sewing left over enthusiastic fingertips tinged in bloodied pinpricks, a season of interest in ceramics caked her nails in clay, a mishap with glassblowing burned her trachea and she lost her voice for a month. her home is her workspace now, awash in warm colors and soft sketched lines, photographs strung up on the walls to examine with less tired eyes later - she’ll exhaust herself otherwise, staring at her work until a hypercritical eye begins to pick apart every minute detail, every miniscule flaw. her medium of choice in the moment, and for quite some time now has been photography, both digital and film. she works mostly with still images but has embarked on some video components. she has had her art in a few minor installations and featured in gallery shows, but has never had her own exhibit or show.

charming / the most necessary to her success as both an artist and as a human being is the fact that yani is innately charming. warm, open, and bright she has an energy that is hard to resist. this is half by design, motivated by an obsessive need to be liked, which has prompted her to cultivate a sharp sense of humor and a dry wit to match. playful, hyperbolic, and creative, she can be a blast at parties or when in a group where she is able to play off the jokes and comments of others. however, leave her to her own devices in a one on one setting and she’s much more laid back and easy-going, preferring to let others steer the conversation. she’s got an easy grace and brightness to her disposition even when she falls into the macabre or dark, tinging it with a sense of humor.

negative –

unpredictable / yani is not the friend you call at two in the morning for help, unless you’re looking to get really trashed and/or are okay with being left on read until a bleary and misspelled “sup?” at 4am. it isn’t intentional. yani is a slave to her emotions, moods and whims taking over each step of her life as she allows circumstance to pull her rough and tumble through the narration of her story. she seems almost a slave to impulse, which she may grandiose-ly chalk up to “leaving things up to fate” but in actuality is an effort to remove agency from her own hands due to a paralyzing fear of making weighty decisions. while she finds herself empathically able to relate to and understand the needs, fears, and motives of others, she can easily become overwhelmed with this perceived information and find herself retreating without warning, lest she fail them in some way. her presence in life is both unpredictable and routine - she’ll flit in and out like a butterfly, appearing briefly to leave a mark before she retreats away again, always acting as if no time has passed. her personal moods are just as mercurial, vacillating wildly throughout the course of the day, or even across a number of hours. quick to anger and quicker still to apologize, she’s prone to impulse and erratic behavior that can be off-putting to those who prefer someone more stable and grounded.

fluctuating self esteem / if you’re being kind, you’ll describe yani as sensitive. a bit empathic, too easily swayed by the emotions and feedback of others. she has a distinct lack of guard up against the world, for all her fronting to appear otherwise. the jaded exterior lasts for only a moment before it’s smashed by the reality of a girl with a heart on her sleeve. she wields a biting tongue against this like a lackluster defense mechanism, as if verbally lashing out at others can counteract how easily, how readily she can be hurt by them. while yani would often rather die than verbally express her feelings, fears, concerns, or worries in any real way, they’re very easily apparent even to the untrained eye. it frustrates her, how easily other people can read her ups and downs, of which there are many. she vacillates between an obsessive egotistical pride in herself and a damaging, truly deep set self loathing that eats up her insides. in reality she has no idea what she thinks about herself, if she’s proud or not, and pulls all of her validation (as meager as it is) from external sources. thus, her self worth is immensely predicated on the actions, thoughts, and expression of those around her, leaving her incredibly vulnerable despite a veneer of a “devil may care” attitude that, in fact, persists long after the ruse is up.

HAUNT

how many ways can yani answer the question?

is she haunted by her own failures? by choking in the middle of the entrance exams for university, clutching her chest in a violent panic attack in the bathroom and leaving with the test unfinished, summarily ruining her chances for higher education in the country of her birth that year? is she haunted by wasting her teenage years on booze and cigarettes and skateboards? is she haunted by pining after men and women that would never want her the way she wanted them, who relegated her to her childhood past of knobby knees and awkward limbs and dirt smudged cheeks, sunburnt and freckled from the sun that crested over the mountains? is she haunted by the death of the one man who professed to love her, by the knowledge that she’d settled for him, had never been able to return the love he so generously gave her? is she haunted by the fear that she’d squandered her one chance of love and now it was summarily too late, and he was too far and too permanently gone, and she would now be punished for her ingratitude with years of nothing? is she haunted by her own propensity to run from the inevitable, to escape to distant locations only to realize her problems were still hers whether she be in paris or london or seoul?

it’s hard to say.

maybe, in the end, yani is haunted by herself.

HISTORY

i. birth is an uneventful affair. she isn’t a planned baby but she isn’t unwelcome either, youngest of three by enough years that her older brothers dote on her in the abstract but aren’t really fans of actually having her around. it’s sort of a theme. her mother hires a nanny and goes back to work immediately - she took time off with the boys and she’s not willing to do it again. her father is as distant as he was with the elder two, unsurprisingly.

yani grows up this way, chasing after affection and attention, calling out for the same things that were doled out to the other two so easily. she wants her brothers to play with her - dolls or tag, she’s not picky, she’ll take what she can get. they play hide and seek but she always hides, and they never seek, just let the little girl coop herself up in the closet for a half an hour, or until she dozes off. eventually she stops asking.

ii. she grows into the hand she’s been dealt. she wears a tan like a shield, testament to hours spent outside in the sun, relentlessly scrambling over the landscape. they live on the outskirts of a little town on jeju island, and the sun and surf and sand and rocks and mountains are her company. she takes after her brothers, athletic and enthusiastic, seemingly immune to the scraping of her knees and the scabs on her elbows, bruises on her shins.

yani feels the freest on the skateboard she inherits from her brother - or, more specifically, steals from his room when his interest in girls and his worry about entrance exams takes over his free time. in this way she learns two things: she can only rely on herself, and that she must always, always take that which she desires.

she spends hours on it, rolling through town to the ultimate displeasure of the ahjummas who sit outside the town hall and gossip. a girl should be more demure, she should be more careful, she’s going to hurt herself or someone else, they say, but yani is past the point of craving approval now. or at least, that’s what she tells herself, disregard is a shield she equips, straps it over a soft heart, hardens herself by hoping for little and expecting even less. when you expect the world to let you down there is a freeness in being proven correct when it doesn’t surprise you by being anything but bleak.

iii. high school treats her well. there are only so many other kids in town, so it’s not like there’s enough trouble for cliques. not when they’ve all known each other from birth. there isn’t much reason to come to the little excuse for a city, unless you’re a tourist or you’ve got a burning passion for the fishing industry, and even then there are better choices in destination. she studies well enough, but yani is prone to distraction. her attention wanders and she spends plenty of time staring out of the window, as opposed to anything else. but she’s clever, and when she does apply herself she catches up just fine.

there’s a certain sadness to a decaying rural town, and the older yani gets the heavier it weighs on her, this realization that there are no opportunities here, that the only chance for a viable future any of them have exists in some ephemeral elsewhere always slightly out of reach. it’s the cycle of poverty in action - the jobs are manual labor or hardly impressive, few remain in the town, the aging population is setting the community up to collapse in on itself, but what is anyone able to do about it? so they drink or they fuck or they whine about it, anything to carry on the way they always have. from this town yani learns denial and resignation, in a bizarre blend that ought not be properly possible.

iv.

whatever chance she had of success in school goes down the drain with truancy and delinquency, with smokes stolen from the corner store and beer she convinces neighborhood oppas to buy for her with their ids. she gets what she wants and she doesn’t look back, morality a luxury she can’t afford and frankly doesn’t try too hard to squeeze in anyway. she loves boys that don’t love her back and she chases a high that never quite seems to satisfy. climbs a little bit higher, goes a little bit further, to fill herself with the seratonin and the adrenaline that seem to evade her.

when she finds out, in the dead of night, half drunk with her best friend, who has never seen her the way she’s wanted to be seen, that his older brother - her boyfriend, her second choice, because he sees her the way her best friend refuses to look - is dead, in a car crash, her word falls apart. it crumbles.

yani deals with her tragedies and her uncertainties in the way she has been taught. she denies it even unto herself, buries herself into distractions. it gets harder, immeasurably, when her two best friends leave for the military one after the other. she submits an application, a portfolio. it’s a long shot, but she makes it. she leaves, on a plane, in a search for more ways to bury her heart.

it’s so easy to find them in a city like paris. in drink and drugs and then maybe even in boys and girls. she finds her redemption in sex and adrenaline and in petty, stupid actions. she is a terror on two slender legs, she is weaponized femininity and a cutting tongue, she is every bit of sharp wit and killer instinct wrapped in a devastatingly pretty package. the last distraction, the most enjoyable and the most wholesome, comes in the form of an old film camera. she buys it with money she’s picked out of the pockets of men who lean to close to her in clubs, men too old to promise her the things they do, who line her pockets and give her gifts in the hope that she’ll be foolish enough now to offer her youth to those leeches, those vampiric men that wait so eagerly and desperately to drain her dry. it’s another way to put a distance between herself and the world; observer and artist, not integral, not intertwined. she can expose the truth of the world without involving her own truth in it, betrays herself in a thousand tiny ways.

vi.

it is so terribly easy to get what you want in a city like this. there is always someone willing to give it to you, for a price of course. yani learns to play this game, to divorce herself from her own reality, to compartmentalize. she feels like a hundred different girls. she feels like a line of glasses on a counter, each varying levels of empty. she feels like she could shatter in a moment, or sing beneath a touch, or neither, or both.

she feels like they can sense it on her, the sins that paint her skin. she rots herself with alcohol, nicotine, prescription pills designed for someone decidedly not her. she wears herself down with long nights, early mornings, insomnia that clings to her, a weight that settles heavy, drags her down. her moods are mercurial, she tears through the people around her like a storm, intent on destruction, pausing for the briefest moments of calm before the winds pick up once more.

she falls apart this way, bits and pieces at first, and then all at once, like a spaceship reentering orbit too quickly, she is engulfed.

vii.

in the end she stays there, in france, for a little longer. longer than she’d intended. money starts to run out, her feeble language skills are put to the test. it’s sheer luck that lands her a job at an art gallery, luck on top of luck that gets her through an accelerated program. in the end, she spends two and a half years in france, eventually returning to her dismal little rural town. returns with a degree from france that means very little besides “you didn’t make it into a korean school” and “you dedicated your life to creative pursuits that will provide you with nothing.”

she returns with her camera, with a few years of gallery experience, with a couple thousand dollars saved and very little in the way of confidence or strength. she has dreams she barely dares to dream, thoughts she can hardly expose herself too. with a portfolio and no direction, no idea what to do with herself, for herself.

viii.

by the time she gets back, one of her friends is out of the military at last, the other long gone for seoul. she spends two months in the little town before she can’t handle it anymore. has photographed every inch of the decaying rural landscape, the town left forgotten by progress, by the government, by the future. her collection on the state of the town, deemed a cutting photojournalistic insight to rural korean poverty, becomes a minor sensation and is picked up by a gallery in seoul. it’s the boost she needs to relocate, flees the town that made her, that funded her flight, to head for the city, to lose herself again.

seoul is much the same as any other city. she wanted it to have answers that it doesn’t. she hates her apartment, a half basement decked out in mold and wrinkled vinyl flooring over the thick pipes of the ondol. she drags herself through the day to day, gets a job and does what she can to keep herself afloat. takes pictures, sells them, does what she can. it’s unfulfilling. she’s frustrated. her friends feel distant and she feels thoroughly disconnected from the world around her, floating as if on the currents of the ocean.

viv.

the treehouse offers a chance at a community, the selfsame thing she has done so much to avoid, so earnestly distanced herself from - lest anyone figure out the great pretending of her life. that she’s not half the person, half the artist she wants to be. she lives a life steeped in imposter’s syndrome and unspoken words, preserving her thoughts in notebooks and photographs, fragments of time and feeling captured without explanation, left for the viewer to infer.

#cu bio #cu kang seulgi #cu isfp

2 notes · View notes

lorettadelluci-blog · 5 years

Photo

TASK IV: THE EXTRAS.

summary: when loretta calls, you always pick up. there’s never any other choice. word count: 1.9k trigger warning: ptsd mention, illness mention

i. what’s worse, do you think: falling out of love with someone quick enough that it’s like it never happened, or falling out of love so slowly you wish you’d never met?

ada wilhelm can answer that question with ease. she stares at her call log, mouth pressed into a tight line. it’d been hard enough to hear it over the low roar of the private jet, but she’d gotten the voicemail.

ada, loretta had said, like she does every time she’s going to break ada’s heart, her voice emotionless, listen to me.

listen to her? for what? but ada --- stupidly, recklessly, knowing she’d have four board meetings waiting for her once the wheels hit the ground --- sat there and listened as loretta made it clear.

i don’t --- i’m not sure when i’m coming back. and i know it’s not fair to you, but i think it’s best if we... called this done.

she cycles through the emotions rapidly: anger, sadness, joy, grief, pure and unfiltered rage and envy. it’s not fair. but loretta’s never been fair. she’d thought for so long that maybe they could make it work. that if ada worked hard enough, kept up with the phone calls and text messages and spoke when loretta needed to listen that maybe things would be different this go around. she’s not sure what it is, exactly, keeping them together, but it hurts more than an open wound.

they’d met when they were barely kids, just out of college, and ada... she’s not stupid. she’d been in love with loretta since the day they’d met. and she’d never been selfish. not exactly. WILHELM was rightfully hers. her position at the top of the ladder is still hers. everything she’s clawed out of flesh, every minute she’s spent pouring over code and emails and texts and videos --- it’s all still hers. loretta wouldn’t take that from her. her wealth, her home, her newfound family --- they’d all be safe.

but this sacrifice doesn’t feel fair. not to ada. her phone shakes in her hands so she sets it down and smooths her skirt out, attempting to regain some semblance of poise. restraint. she thinks of the wedding ring, still in its velvet box, sitting on her mantelpiece. her fingers twitch. it’d been a nice dream, at least, for a little while. a happy one.

she orders a drink and lets it be. loretta’s been a ghost in ada’s head for too long. maybe it’s time to stop mourning.

ii. the phone rings at three in the morning, when the party is still raging. they’re celebrating a good closing to the fiscal year: more wealth, more power, more room to grow. she’s not sure when someone gave her another mimosa, but what the fuck is franchesca gonna do? not drink it? she pulls her phone out and stumbles upstairs, laughing in the same pitch as hannah in accounting past a slew of guests.

they’re happy. why shouldn’t she be happy? this is --- this is her fucking company. she did this.

she stares at her screen, squints. the letters eventually blur together to form a name: ‘etta.

the joy drains out of her chest like water in a sink. oh shit. oh, shit. oh, shit. oh shit. she fumbles with her hands to slide the button on the screen, pulls the phone to her ear. “loretta! hey!” does she sound drunk? fuck, she better not sound drunk. she sets down the mimosa near the bed, where hopefully the cat won’t decide to swipe it over.

“franchesca,” loretta says. there’s a long pause. franchesca can picture her now: reading glasses on, the weariness of hours without sleep on her face, looking the picture of medusa. beautiful, tempting, deadly if you stare at her too long. her heart skips a beat.

“what time is it in italy? shouldn’t, uh --- shouldn’t you be asleep?” is she slurring her words? she swallows.

“it’s nine in the morning, and i’m currently enjoying a cup of tea. it’s three am in new york, though, franchesca. should you be awake? i know you have an interview with entrepreneur at ten.” oh, she sounds pissed. she sounds so fucking pissed. franchesca’s known loretta long enough to know when she’s pissed.

franchesca’s not going to question how she knows about the interview, either. best not to beat around the bush if this is how it’s going to play out. “’m not... you just woke me up. what is this about? is everything okay?”

“listen to me, franchesca.”

two things about loretta delluci franchesca has learned in her best efforts to imitate her: she likes to use names, because it grabs attention. it’s not uncommon to hear your name three times in five sentences around her. when she says listen to me, you fucking listen. she straightens her spine and gets ready for the lecture.

it’ll be short and sweet. “i’m listening.”

“franchesca, if you fuck up this interview tomorrow like you did with bloomberg, i’m going to take a red eye back to rhode island and ruin things so badly for you that you’ll be in debt for the rest of your goddamn life. you have a job to do, and i’m paying you to do it for a reason. get it together. no more slip ups. i won’t ask twice. am i clear?”

there’s a clatter, sharp and sudden, from right beneath her. orange mimosa is spilling across her floor, beneath her prada pumps, and there sits garfield, staring up at her with relative innocence. franchesca swallows. “i hear you.”

the line goes dead. party’s over.

iii. each day in verona has henri asking himself why, exactly, he decided that verona was the city to get away from the mob in.

you leave chicago to get away from the mancini-sullivan bullshit and you end up in capulet-montague bullshit instead. great job, morrol. real smart, dean might have said. but dean’s dead and buried somewhere in the desert outside vegas.

dean, as it happens, also looks so much like faron vasiliev that henri’s having some feelings right now he’s not particularly comfortable addressing. he pops his nicorette --- sourced in from the states en masse, because jesus christ, quitting is hard and nothing else really works --- and lifts the binoculars back up.

even from almost a mile away, it’s still easy to see that faron vasiliev looks at calina sokolova like she’s the sun. legs kicked out in front of him, tilted back in his chair, henri watches them cross the street and disappear into some antiquated tea house often frequented by capulets and montagues both. it’s a miracle the little place hasn’t been set on fire yet by either group.

he’s not sure why he does this shit for loretta. not really. sure he’d owed her a favor, but this is different from a favor. this is putting his life on the line for someone who otherwise doesn’t give too much of a shit about him.

the sound of dean’s body hitting the dirt rings out in his head, just before the shot of the gun, and the guilt. the immense, incapacitating guilt that had henri running from chicago in the first place. he knows, idly, that dean had deserved to die for what he’d done to the sullivan family. he’d fucked them over. he’d known that then, and he knows now.

when cristopher mancini tells you to kill a man, you just do it. you don’t ask why.

but dean had wanted nothing more than to just... get away from everything. disappear just like henri had asked him to, over, and over, and over again.

let’s get married. let’s just fuckin’ do it, dean. we can go, he’d said. we’ve got the money.

just a little while longer, dean would insist, every single fucking time. what bullshit. absolute bullshit. he wishes, maybe just a little, that he’d died with him. it’d be easier this way.

his phone vibrates in his pocket, and he answers without checking to see who it is. who gives a fuck anymore?

“henri, how are you?” loretta asks. she sounds... chirpy. criminy.

“peachy keen,” he lies. “what do you know about a faron vasiliev?”

iv. three things happen to freya when she returns to los angeles after her second year abroad in italy: she gets the internship she asked for. her mother’s medical bills are magically paid. both her brothers listen to her when she talks, now, and that’s almost enough to make her want to be honest with them.

she goes back to st. louis in august to finish her degree, finally, and then after that it’s off to work with whatever tech-based company will take her. twenty-two years of hard work and determination and a little bit of lying, and her dreams are coming true.

loretta calls every friday at seven o’clock, and freya’s not dumb. she knows to pick up the phone. the nail polish on her hands is still drying when she fumbles with her new iPhone, using her foot to clumsily crank down the volume on the radio she’d been using in her bedroom. “loretta! hi! hey!”

“hey, kiddo, how are you doing?” loretta’s voice is warm, and it fills freya with unexpected affection. the things she’d done in verona had been awful, and she’s still not sure that those ghosts won’t follow her home, but they’d been worth it.

worth it for the free tuition and worth it because her mother’s chances of survival over the next twenty years are so much better than they’d been three months ago. “good. how’s verona?”

“boring without you here. i miss our morning reviews and you ranting to me about ancient architecture and history.”

she snorts. “not the cool, fun, spying stuff? just the history?”

loretta quiets for a second or two, and she’s wondering if she maybe put her foot in her mouth. “i almost wish i’d never dragged you into any of that. but you’re safer in america than over here, at least. i’ve got your back.”

it’s a relief to hear something she wasn’t really listening for anyways, but freya feels a sudden tightening in her chest. “i don’t regret any of it. it was --- what the capulets and montagues are doing? they’re ruining verona. i’m not even from there and i saw it. the bridge...”

loretta sighs. “yeah, i know. but hopefully this whole thing will be done. i’m working on it, and you and i can both go to bed resting easy.” she sounds tired. really, really tired.

“will you call me next week?” she asks, voice soft, like she always does. maybe it’s stupid, but she worries, and loretta delluci isn’t a woman you just forget. she can almost picture her face: the way the lines around her eyes soften, the curve of her smile, the warmth of her arms when they’d hugged one last time in loretta’s apartment before freya’d had to go to the airport.

“of course i will. you keep me updated, okay?”

“sure thing. i’ll let you know if --- if anything happens.”

loretta never says goodbye, over the phone. she always just ends the call. with the promise she’d apparently needed, loretta leaves freya with bad punk rock on the radio and a smear of blue polish on her index finger.

she still scrubs at her suddenly wet eyes anyways.

#diveronatask #illness tw #ptsd tw #fellas is it valid to get absorbed in unimportant side characters you'll never really think about again and proceed to cry a lot about them #is it valid to pour your entire afternoon into finishing graphics for each individual character #mmmmmmm i went a LITTLE overboard but it's. it's fine #character study.#graphics.

5 notes · View notes

rosykims · 5 years

Text

DRAGON AGE QUESTIONS

tagged by: @nordxz thanks so much !!! *heart emoji*

favourite game of the series?

origins! although inquisition is very close as well. inquisition was my favourite for a very time, but like midway through last year i replayed origins and it just felt.....so good. i really struggled with enjoying dao because of the clunky fighting system but an amazing mutual introduced me to a mod that lets u skip fights basically lol, so i was just able to focus on the story/characters/exploration of the game, which just....made me realize how immensely beautiful the game actually is, and i fell in love all over again aaaaa

how did you discover dragon age?

i was a huge mass effect fan ! mass effect was the game that motivated me to make this blog, actually, and obviously through following people i saw a lot of posts from the da community as well. so i bought origins and inquisition (i had NO idea there was a da2 until half way through awakening lmao) and tried to play origins but HATED it gtrhutgrhugtr and then eventually gave it another try like a month later and completely loved it and now here we are

how many times you’ve played the games?

not as many times as some people on here have - i would say origins maybe four times, da2 maybe twice, inquisition three times. but that also doesnt count all the timesw ive created new games and then abandoned them lol bc theres too many to count

favourite race to play as?

love me some elf booty ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

favourite class?

at first it was rogue dual wielder ! i played as a rogue in every single first-time playthrough and idk i felt that class has always been the easiest/most op. but in the last maybe 2 years it’s changed to mage. ive always been super intimidated by magic classes in every game i play but i LOVE inquisition’s mage classes/specializations and i can never go back now

do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

im so so so bad and i usually end up making very similar choices, but usually bc i just......replay the same characters every time hgtuhgtruhgtrui. i REALLY need to make more da ocs to explore more choices but....i dont want to lol i already have to many. i still havent sided with the templars in a playthrough like i just cant do it

go-to adventuring group?

i always bring my characters love interest with them no matter what, just bc its cute, but usually i try to evenly cycle the other characters around that. i always try to have a warrior/rogue/mage in every party. but sometimes i’ll go warrior/warrior/mage/mage especially if i need to focus on straight damage and a LOT of healing lol

my favourite parties would probably be:

dao - alistair + zevran + wynne (wholesome and also funny)

da2 - anders + fenris + merrill (SO much chaotic energy)

dai - solas + cassandra + cole (i just love them ok)

which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

ashara lavellan, my canon inquisitor who was never supposed to be canon tghtgurhtrg. my original canon inq was a trevelyan rogue, who was super nice and good. i made ashara so that i could actually play as an evil/mean character without feeling bad lol, oh and i also wanted to see what the deal with solas was bc i had heard his romance was good ;;;;) anyway that backfired and i ended up completely falling in love with her, and i STILL couldnt make the tough choices with her so i was like ok maybe she isnt THAT evil and now shes just..... the way she is now i guess lmao

favourite romance?

trhhtruih okay u guys KNOW its solas. u know. i dont even have to say anythiing about it bc...u fucking know

(alistair’s is very close tho)

have you read any of the comics/books?

i havent :(((( im such a bad fan but i cannot deal with ordering online and thats the only place ive been able to find them. im planning on reading asunder and the masked empire as soon as i get the chance (and the money) tho !!

if you read them, which was your favourite book?

nope

favourite DLCs?

trespasser ! its pretty simple and very plot-driven like u didnt have to worry about side missions as much as u would with other dlcs so idk that was... refreshing. but obviously i loved it just bc it was so beautiful and intense and sad (since my chara romanced solas obviously) and that music score????? unbelievable i’ll never be over it

things that annoy you.

can i say the fandom trghuitgrhutrhui

mostly the thing that pisses me off the most is the grey morality. writers trying to make everything deep and Thought Provoking like..... no jerry, slavery IS bad theres no alternative viewpoint lol??????? also the fucking whitewashing makes me see red.

orlais or ferelden?

ferelden!!!!! (*blows a kiss* for highever)

templars or mages?

mages <3

if you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

i only have like 3 protag da characters and they’re all canon, although emeraude is an au. so ella is my canon warden and ashara is my canon inquisitor, but emeraude does exist in that universe, bc i hc she befriended the warden and alistair when they visited the alienage, and she was very outspokenly angry and didn’t really give a shit that alistair was going to be heir. which alistair really,,, appreciated i guess? so emeraude is made his official elven adviser after his coronation but she also kinda helps out as a royal protector because she’s one of the only people in court they both trust completely lol. also she is....stronk.

and the only other characters i have for da are obviously side characters who are related to my canon protags so. they’re all canon as well lol

what did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

ella named her dog ser bark gthutgrhutghruihtr she thought it was cute ok

emeraude just went with barkspawn since alistair came up with the idea as a joke but she thought the joke was so bad she made them keep it as punishment vjhuightui

i dont really have a hawke oc but.....he named his dog shepard in my playthrough ! like from mass effect ;;;;)))

have you installed any mods?

origins is modded to hell and back and i genuinely couldn’t play the game without mods at this point. inquisition is slightly modded but im in the process of removing them all, and only keeping a few because my game runs pretty terribly with them installed

did your warden want to become a grey warden?

ella did ! but it was kind of,, a naive childhood dream, she had a really romanticized view of the wardens and she wanted a life of excitement and bravery and adventure, not really taking into consider all the bad things about it (and obviously not knowing the full truth about what it means to be a warden)

emeraude did NOT want to be a warden. she basically had to be dragged out of the alienage because she wanted to stay and protect her community. she never really enjoyed being a warden, although her friendship with alistair was its one redeeming quality

hawke’s personality?

uh i cant remember the colour/personality thing but he was a combo of funny/ethical. mostly there for memes tho.

did you make matching armor for your companions in inquisition?

for origins i do ! i always make sure alistair and ella wear the grey warden armour, as well as every warden in awakening. thats like, all theyre allowed to wear lmao.

if your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

ella would obviously change her family’s murder lol, and emeraude would at least try and change what happened at her wedding, to prevent shianni and the others from being hurt.

ashara would change romancing solas :((( she was so angry at herself after discovering who he was, and she felt weak and foolish which she HATES more than any other feeling, so she definitely wishes she had never met him for a long time. after she kind of processes it though, and learns to deal with her anger, her answer would be that she wishes she had saved the chargers. it’s the one move she made that actually keeps her up at night sometimes.

do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

ghuitrhuigtrhugtr so many. canon? dont know her.

the biggest example would be that i hc king!alistair was at the winter palace during the wicked hearts level. because uh..... celene and the fereldan monarchs had been corrosponding for over 10 years, trying to build up rapport, of COURSE the king would be there to see who the potential ruler/s of orlais would be and whether or not he ought to be worried. like. im sorry but alistair was there lol you can’t change my mind. i also hc he helps ashara with information about the grey wardens during this chapter, because ???? it just makes sense??? im so angry i wish this was canon

are any of your characters based on someone?

ok it was unintentional but ashara reminds me of an english teacher i had in highschool who was very scary but also....really cool and i loved her. it was an accident but,, still counts.

who did you leave in the fade?

gtiturghtugh okay at the risk of pissing off EVERYBODY who reads this, i left hawke in the fade, even though it was a toss up between hawke and stroud. it was ashara’s fault tho !!! she would have 100% prioritzed an alliance with the grey wardens over like,, some guy. it broke my heart but yeah That happened.

favourite mount?

i like all the elk mounts mostly ! but i never use them bc they sound ugly af

tagging : @trvelyans @f3nharel @allisondraste @ensevens @tethraas @talizorah @fereldun if u are up to it <3 and whoever else wants to do this !

#/ long post #sorry this is so long i got carried away oops #dai #dao #da2 #personal

7 notes · View notes

imaginethisbts · 6 years

Text

it takes two to make a thing go right (dogboy hybrid au) pt. 1

Rated: M

Warning: Dom themes, possessive behavior, knotting, excessive oral sex, rough sex.

Summary: What’s better than one dogboy lover? Two dogboy lovers. But when Tae and Jungkook seem unusually clingy, it can only mean one thing. That time of the month has snuck up on you and your dogboy lovers do not want to share.

Note: jungkook is mean to taehyung in this cuz hes the dom alpha and taehyung tests his dominance too much =( but the smut is filthy and nasty lmfaoo. also i apologize in advance if the writing is a little weird and random in some spots. ive written on this story while being terribly exhausted, and then while being drunk, sad and mad. lol what im trying to say is i wrote parts of this story in numerous states of mind! oh and yes theres gonna be a second part to this so plz dont ask ill get it out asap. enjoy my loves!

Words: 8.4k

Since the dishes in the sink had gotten dangerously high from neglect, you thought you'd finally set up shop in the kitchen and try to tackle the giant mess. With your laptop sitting up on the bar in front of you playing Bob’s Burgers on Hulu and your big glass of lemonade set to the side, you were totally prepared to spend some time here at the sink.

The reason for there being so many dirty dishes was because living with two male hybrids was like living with two bottomless pits when it came to food. They ate so much, and did not understand the concept of reusing dishes under any circumstances. Every time they ate, it was a new dish being used, no matter how many times you tried to explain to them that their glasses could at least be used more than once.

They were utterly clueless.

Glancing over the top of your lap top into the living room, you saw Jungkook and Taehyung sitting on the edge of the couch, controllers clutched in their hands as they stared intently at the screen in front of them. You huffed a sigh of relief at them finally seeming to be content, returning your attention back to the task at hand.

The past couple of days they had been unbelievably clingy, begging for your attention constantly and not allowing you to get anything productive done at home. Finally after having enough of their constant pestering, you broke down this morning and went to the store to buy them a new videogame for the PS4.

And so far, that had done the trick at distracting them so you could get some work done, but you could only hope it would last.

After you filled the dishwasher up, you started the cleaning cycle on it and continued hand cleaning the left over dishes you couldn't fit into the machine. That was, until you suddenly heard an argument break out in the living room, their voices getting louder as one accused the other of cheating and the other heatedly denying.

You leaned your head back and closed your eyes, taking a deep breath to try and keep your sanity from slipping away. Should have known the peace wouldn't last long.

Most of the time you tried to let them work out their problems alone without interfering, since they were grown adults after all, but sometimes that just wasn't the best idea.

Like now, when you heard Jungkook's deep growl reverberate through the air.

You knew from past experiences that that sound was bad news, so you quickly turned the faucet off and grabbed your dish towel, making your way into the living room to break up the fight as you wiped your hands off.

The sight that awaited you was nothing if not expected, but it never failed to surprise you at the same time.

"Get off!" Taehyung shouted and squirmed, currently being pushed head first into the couch by Jungkook, who was positioned on top of Taehyung, growling and snapping at the other's neck in warning.

Taehyung snarled in defense, squirming and trying to get Jungkook off of him, but the other hybrid was just so much stronger, making the feat almost impossible. It wasn't until Jungkook bucked his hips into Taehyung, in their strange way of showing dominance, that Taehyung finally collapsed to the couch and bared his throat, whining in submission.

Jungkook huffed, bending down to nose at Taehyung's neck and then nip at it, causing the smaller hybrid to whimper. "You cheated. Admit it."

"But I didn't," Taehyung whined desperately and Jungkook's deep growl sounded again, and that's when you realized you had just been standing there watching and that now was a good time to make yourself known.

"Stop it. Jungkook, get off of him now." You jumped into action, grabbing Jungkook's upper arm and trying to pull him off of Taehyung, but Jungkook snapped his head towards you and growled in warning. It only lasted for a moment however, because when he realized it was you, he whined lowly in his throat, licking your hand as an apology and climbing off of Taehyung to sit back on the couch.

Taehyung scrambled to sit up once Jungkook was off of him. His ears were flat amidst his hair and he curled slightly into himself, looking at you with sad, literal puppy dog eyes.

God, you wanted to cuddle him so badly right now, but you knew you had to whip things back into shape real quick.

You placed your hands angrily on your hips and huffed in irritation, glaring down at both of them. "Are you serious guys? Can you really not play nicely with each other?"

They both looked guilty now with their flat ears and lowered heads. You once asked them what their least favorite thing in the world was, and their answer was whenever you scolded them.

Hybrid worlds were not very wide and mostly always revolved around their master, lover, or caregiver.

"Since you two don't know how to play nicely, I guess I'll have to sit here and supervise you like children." You told them rather annoyed, planting yourself right in the middle of them on the couch. Immediately, the two of them flocked to you like a magnet. Jungkook went for your neck, nosing at a spot before licking it, scenting you so you smelt like him. Taehyung hugged your arm and rubbed his cheek into your hair, his own way of scenting you.

The video game was suddenly forgotten and they weren't at each other's throats for the time being. This wasn't exactly the solution you were going for, but hey, it was a solution nonetheless.

Life with two hybrids was.... interesting, to say the very least.

And there were somethings you felt like you would never quite get used to.

For example, you don't think you could ever get used to the way Jungkook and Taehyung had to assert dominance over one another. Which, by the way, was by mounting the other one (fully clothed, of course) and giving a few thrusts into the other's behind while growling deeply and biting (not hard) into the other's neck.

Like what Jungkook just did to Taehyung over the video game debacle.

Jungkook was the worst one, and definitely the most dominate between him and Taehyung. He was never afraid to display that dominance either, like when they were playing together, arguing over something, and most importantly, when it came to you.

You never understood why one of them had to be above the other, but then again, there was a lot of things you didn't understand, giving the fact that they were half dogs.

Taehyung has tried to assert dominace over Jungkook in the past, but each and every time has led to a huge fight that you had to get into the middle of and break up. One of the times, Jungkook was so out of his mind with anger, he accidentally bit your arm hard enough to draw blood when you had thrown it out in a haste to get him away from Taehyung.

He had felt so bad, that the next few days after the incident, he wouldn't leave your side, whining in regret and licking your wound diligently. His saliva, being part dog, had helped the bite mark heal more quickly, and for that, you were grateful.

After a while of living together, harmony eventually fell between the three of you and Taehyung accepted his role as the submissive hybrid. Although every great once in awhile, he'd still try to challenge Jungkook, but it was mostly out of playfulness and Jungkook was always quick to put him back into his place.

Life was difficult living with two hyrbids, even more so with them being your lovers.

Sharing as a concept between the two never went over well, they were possessive by nature to begin with, so it was especially hard for them when they had to share you. Their bitch. You were still getting used to being called that, one half of you still finding it on the demeaning side, but the other half of you finding it strangely arousing.

Right now was a good example of their terrible sharing skills.

Jungkook tried to pull you towards him, snarling at Taehyung and the other just whined, pulling you back.

You felt like a rag-doll between them sometimes.

"Stop it, you guys. You're gonna tear me in two." You rolled your eyes, making to get up and return to the kitchen, but they both let out deep growls at your attempt. Back when you first met them, any growl that came out of their mouth frightened you and you stopped doing whatever it was that elicited that response from them in fear of what would happened. But now, you knew better, and knew that they were literally all bark and no bite. It was all about intimidation for them, and unfortunately, the trick just didn't work on you anymore. "Oh, you don't want to let me go? Okay then, you two are perfectly welcomed to go finish the dirty dishes that are mostly from you anyways."

Of course, their deep intimidating growls quickly turned into high pitched whines as they pawed at your arms.

"Baby," Taehyung whimpered when you continued to try and get up.

You ignored their whining and pleading and freed yourself before standing up from the couch, rolling your eyes once again when they got up after you and followed close behind you back into the kitchen. Like two desperately determined magnets.

A grin snuck across your face, but you willed it away before they saw it and realized you weren't upset with them after all. Sure, they really got on your nerves sometimes, but you couldn't help but to find their excessive affection endearing. After all, it came so naturally to them so it was always completely sincere. You were their entire world, and quite honestly, they were yours.

But you hated when they fought with each other, and despite them being your lovers, you were going to treat this problem like you would with any other bad habit of your... pet dog, for lack of better wording. And punish them by taking away something they enjoyed.

Which was you.

So you continued to ignore them as you returned to the sink, twisting on the faucet and picking up a dish to start scrubbing it clean. It was almost impossible to concentrate when they were nuzzling at your neck, their tongues poking out here and there on your skin, licking fervently and demanding your attention.

Being clingy was a normal thing for them, but this amount was unusual, they were practically frantic. It almost had you wondering if their behavior meant something was arriving.

At the mere thought of it, a shot of anticipation and arousal flew through your body and suddenly you were hyper aware of their big, strong hands tugging on your waist and hips. However, you controlled your hormones, knowing full well that if you let yourself get too worked up they would sense it and really be demanding your attention then. In more ways than one.

Taehyung whined, and you felt him rock his hips into you, knowing that he was trying to get your attention by enticing you.

The action didn't go unnoticed by the other however and Jungkook instantly turned his attention to Taehyung, a deep growl crawling up his throat and he abandoned you in favor of backing the other hybrid up against the counter, teeth bared and ears back in anger.

You huffed in annoyance at the fact another fight was about to break out, so you turned the faucet off once again in order to take care of things. "Stop, stop, stop," you demanded tiredly to Jungkook, but he didn't even acknowledge your words and continued to press into Taehyung's space.

"My bitch." Jungkook spat down at Taehyung, and you were surprised when Taehyung snarled back, challenging Jungkook.

"No," he shoved Jungkook back off of him. "She's fucking not."

Surprise colored your features at how Taehyung was not submitting and you suddenly became anxious, worried what was going to happen now. Nothing good ever came after Taehyung's refusal to submit, because Jungkook hated when his dominance was threatened.

"Guys, look at me," you tried, but they were too busy sizing each other up. "Guys!" You bit your lip, thinking hard on what to do, on how to nip this in the bud before it worsened considerably.

And then an idea popped into your head.

"I-I'll go lay down with you and rub your ears if you please just stop fighting!"

That was one of their grandest weaknesses. Ear rubs.

You almost laughed when you saw Taehyung's tail wag at the prospect of an ear rub despite how he was squared up with Jungkook. Even Jungkook's ears twitched after hearing that, and then they both glanced at you, tails lowering as they started wagging in guilt.

Ear rubs were clearly way more important than a dumb fight.

Reaching out your hands, you smiled softly. "Come on my loves," you knew they loved it when you spoke sweetly to them. It always made them happy. So after that, they eagerly took ahold of your hands and let you lead them out of the kitchen, down the hall and into your shared bedroom.

At least you knocked out most of the dirty dishes. The rest would have to wait a little bit longer, and maybe you'd make Taehyung and Jungkook take care of them.

Once you got into the room, you didn't even have a chance to get on the bed yourself, because Taehyung was nudging you down onto it from behind with a huff. A squeak slipped passed your lips as you caught yourself on your hands in fear of falling face first into the mattress. Heartbeat increasing slightly from the unexpected push.

You huffed out a surprised laugh, looking over your shoulder to lightly scold Taehyung, but the amused look on your face quickly fell when you saw the way Taehyung and Jungkook were looking at you. They stood behind you, eyes dark as they stared down at you like two predators stalking their prey, licking their lips hungrily.

Belatedly, you realized your new position was quite the compromising one. Your face was down and ass was poked out into the air, a delicious and satisfying sight to the two hybrids who kept licking their lips. Jungkook even went as far as to lick his teeth. Their eyes were boring into your ass and when you looked down slightly, you saw the rapidly growing tent in their pants as their obvious arousal began to show.

You gulped in a mixture of anticipation and desire, trying to keep your hormones under control in fear of them literally pouncing on you. "T-Taehyung," you tried to scold with a shaky voice and then turn over to sit on your butt, but you quickly stopped moving at the sound of the deep growl that resounded from Jungkook.

Another gulp, out of slight fear this time.

"Jungkook, baby," you called sweetly in an attempt for him to lightened up on some of his intensity, and then you tried to turn over again, but he only let out another growl.

"Stay." He demanded, moving closer in behind you, but not without Taehyung growling in disagreement.

"Jungkook," Taehyung suddenly whined. "I got her like that, not you, so I get her first."

Jungkook seemed like he couldn't care less about Taehyung's misfortune in the slightest, only giving a snarl in response as he manhandled you to where you kneeling on the bed as well, making it to where you were now on all fours.

If the sight of you before was delicious to them, this one now was absolutely mouthwatering.

Not really knowing why since it seemed to be a lost cause now, you still tried to control your hormones. If you went full on unabashedly aroused, the reaction it elicited from the two hybrids was overwhelming and intense, so you tried to keep it as lowkey as possible while you prepared yourself for what was to come.

It was almost humorous how quickly things turned. It went from giving them innocent ear rubs, to giving them something far less innocent.

Your control on your arousal was slipping, especially when you felt the bed dip behind you as Jungkook climbed onto it. Biting your lip, you looked over your shoulder again and just about lost it at the sight of Jungkook. His teeth were bared slightly from a snarl and it was like he couldn't take his eyes off of your ass. Displayed so perfectly for him to take as he pleased.

It was a total lost cause when you felt a gush of wetness leak out of you onto your panties. There was no holding your hormones back now. And you knew it was now clouding the air when the two hybrids suddenly took a deep breath. Taehyung began to whine frantically, tail wagging as he paced behind Jungkook, wanting so badly to get to you, but knowing he couldn't because of the other hybrid.

Jungkook chose to mount you then, positioning himself to where he was over you and the large and prominent bulge in his pants was now pressed right up against your ass.

You let out a shaky breath, stomach twisting in a burning ball of arousal.

Taehyung tried to slowly get onto the end of the bed, but Jungkook turned on him and growled, making him back away with a whine.

You would scold Jungkook in times like this, and tell him to share you with Taehyung, but Jungkook's possessiveness in this setting was admittedly a guilty pleasure of yours. It made you feel so wanted and desired on such a filthy level - plus, Jungkook always shared in the end. After he got off inside of you, he'd let Taehyung have his turn, so you didn't feel too bad.

But one thing that was even better than letting Jungkook just have at you, was making Jungkook work for it. He always got so riled up, that when he finally got you, he was fucking ruthless. Which you loved.

So when you felt him tugging your tight lounge shorts down, you quickly flipped yourself over to where you were sitting on your butt, a breathless laugh tumbling out.

Jungkook huffed in irritation, immediately going for your hips to just flip you back over, but you moved back away from him until you were up at the pillows. The grin on your face couldn't be helped, this was too much fun. He stared at you for a moment, frowning, before he made to move towards you.

"Nah-ah-ah," you waved a finger at him, lifting your foot up to press against his chest, halting him from coming closer. "You haven't been a very good boy today Kookie, so why should I let you have me?"

Jungkook bent down and licked at your ankle with a whine, looking at you with his puppy dog eyes. "Please," he pleaded, lowering his hand to grab at his aching cock through his pants. His hips jumped from the friction of his own hand.

"Please isn't an answer, Kookie," you were tempted to tease him by letting Taehyung come get you, but you knew that wasn't a smart idea. Things could turn seriously violent then.

Speaking of Taehyung, he carefully and slowly tried to get onto the bed again and Jungkook was too distracted by trying to get you to surrender to notice his movements. So by the time Taehyung was up onto the bed and moving closer to you, it was too late for Jungkook to get him off of the bed.

Now, you had two eager hybrids in front of you, that were very much aroused and with very little patience.

You smirked, deciding to turn this little game up a notch or two. With your left hand, you slowly smoothed it down your stomach until you got to the waistband of your shorts. Taehyung and Jungkook were completely still, watching your hand intently with their ears perked up.

You bit your lip to try and contain the grin threatening to spread across your face but it was a futile attempt. When your fingers slipped passed your waistband, you caught sight of their tails begin to wag in anticipation and impatience. You dipped two of your fingers between your folds and then slowly slipped your hand back out with a pop of your waistband. Lifting your fingers into the air, Taehyung and Jungkook followed the movement closely, their tongue coming out to lick their lips.

It was Taehyung who first tried to lean in to steal a lick, but you simply pulled your hand back and with your other one you placed it against his chest to halt his movements.

"No." You firmly said, and Taehyung sat back with a whimper, rubbing his head against Jungkook's shoulder, in which the other hybrid just turned his head and licked Taehyung's cheek quickly in acknowledgment.

"I want you," Taehyung whined, licking his lips again when you brushed the two wet fingers against each other.

You sighed, stomach twisting in a sharp pang of arousal at how utterly desperate they were to have you.

"You want me?" You cooed at them, and they suddenly became frantic, tails wagging and their heads nodding in agreement. "If you get me, what will you do with me?"

"Breed you." Jungkook said immediately with a growl, puffing his chest out slightly and your foot slid off of him, making your leg fall back down onto the mattress. He stayed put though, despite the lack of barrier now.

You almost moaned at his answer, becoming even wetter and thinking of how amazing it'll feel to eventually have Jungkook's thick cock inside of you - pinning you to the bed as he pounds you senselessly.

Some might say this was down right cruel, but you parted your legs, again gaining their undivded attention as they waited for what was next, and then smoothed your hand down onto your clothed center, patting it lightly.

"You wanna fill me up, Kookie?"

A shiver of excitement shot up your spine at the growl your words elicted from Jungkook deep within his chest. He tried to move to get in between your legs, but you quickly shut them before he had the chance, giving him a smirk and another wave of your finger.

"Did I tell you you could come touch me?" You asked him, but he just puffed a breath out of his nose in utter annoyance. Clearly growing tired of your little games.

But that's exactly what you wanted.

You were so caught up in Jungkook however, you failed to notice Taehyung who had moved in enough to gingerly stick his tongue out and lick at your two fingers that were still damp with your arousal. Honestly, you didn't have the heart to shoo him away, so you allowed him to frantically lick your fingers clean. His ears were laid back in fear of you scolding him, but you just stared at his skillfull tongue, at the way it curled around your fingers and lapped deliciously.

Suddenly an idea popped into your head and you pulled your hand away, much to Taehyung's disappointent, but you didn't care because you were about to give him something so much better.

They watched you curiously, wondering what you were doing, but when they saw you lift your hips off of the bed to start tugging your lounge shorts down, they immediately started whining in anticipation. You dropped your hips, telling them to behave and be patient as you slowly slid the shorts down your legs, taking your time and teasing them as much as you could.

After you slipped your feet out of them, you made sure to keep your legs pressed together for the time being.

"Mm," you bit your lip, gazing up at them with hooded eyes. "Do my babies want a little treat?" You gave them a little preview by spreading your legs slightly, just enough for them to catch a glimpse of your deliciousness in-between and then closing them again.

They about fucking lost it.

You couldn't even try to keep them out, because Jungkook was promptly forcing your legs apart with his impressive strength and making room for himself between them. Taehyung grabbed your leg, pulling it up and outwards so he could have room too, but Jungkook had different thoughts on that.

He growled deeply at Taehyung to back away from what was his, but the other hybrid just lowered his ears to make himself look non-threatening and Jungkook decided to just not worry about it anymore. Everyone here knew whose bitch you were and who would be breeding you first.

Your legs were spread wide, exposing your glistening swollen center that looked absolutely irresitable to the two hybrids.

Yet something was holding them back, like they were so strung-out they couldn't even get themselves to actually taste you. So you ran two fingers through your wetness again and then lifted your hand into the air for them. They almost bumped heads in their haste to lick your fingers, both of them whimpering at the amazing taste.

You became even wetter when they started licking into each others mouths in an attempt to find more, having cleaned your fingers completely of the sweetness.

God, it was erotic and unbelievably hot. You were truly blessed to have two hybrids as lovers.

"You want more babies?" You cooed at them, patting the source of it all to get their attention.

Unrestrained now that he had a taste, Jungkook was the first to dive in, burying his face into your pussy and going to town with his tongue. They weren't the only ones having been strung-out, so after finally getting stimulation down there and rough stimulation at that, your stomach twisted in a vicious knot, heat blazing through your core.

"Oh God, Kookie," you moaned in a high pitch, thighs trembling from the ruthless stimulation of his frantic tongue. You tangled your hand in his hair, stuck between wanting to move away from the sharp pleasure or move even closer in search for a delicious release in the future.

Taehyung carefully moved in, trying to find a good angle for his head and he ended up just pressing in beside Jungkook and licking whatever part of skin he could reach, which happened to be crease where your leg met your pelvis. Jungkook was quite frankly hogging the good stuff.

A possessive growl ripped from Jungkook's chest at Taehyung's proximity, but he was way too enthralled in the taste of you to press the matter any further. He moved down a bit and shoved his tongue into your entrance, licking deeply, as far as he could go and your eyes almost rolled back into your head at the sheer pleasure. Especially because after he did that, Taehyung took advantage of the space and angled his head to where he was lapping at your clit.

You've had previous lovers. Quite a few before the two hybrids came along. But none of them could even compare to Taehyung and Jungkook in bed. Looking down, and seeing both of their heads between your legs and knowing that they wanted to be there, made you throw your head back and moan as you shifted your hips in pleasure. Some of your old lovers wouldn't even eat you out (they didn't last very long), and the others that did only did it out of obligation.

But Jungkook and Taehyung genuinely loved eating you out, the taste of you utterly addictive to them.

A rush of heat headed south when you watched Taehyung begin humping Junkook's leg in search of friction, a whine escaping his throat.

Jungkook, seeing it as Taehyung trying to assert dominance over him, reluctantly pulled his mouth away from you in order to bare his teeth and growl at the other hybrid. Taehyung completely ignored him, taking this opportunity to really dive into you now that Jungkook had pulled back a bit and he continued to rock his hips into the other, enjoying the friction it was granting.

"Jungkook," you moaned out when you saw him make a move to probably tackle Taehyung, but you caught his attention just in time. "No." You tried to sound firm when he looked up at you, but your voice wavered from the extreme pleasure Taehyung was currently giving you.

The black haired hybrid chose to ignore you, turning his attention back to Taehyung with a dangerous growl.

"Jungkook!" You snapped at him this time, desperately trying to keep your wits when Taehyung threatened to completely sweep you away in utter bliss. His tongue was currently lapping at your entrance while his nose rubbed unintentionally against your clit. It all felt so fucking amazing and you wanted to lose yourself to it, but you couldn't let Jungkook attack him.

Jungkook looked up at you again, huffing in irritation, but you held his gaze steadily.

"Come up here," you told him, and he glanced at Taehyung for a moment before looking back at you with a whine. "Come on, Jungkook."

So he stole one last lick on your inner thigh before he moved up your body, licking across your nipple on his way up. You gripped his jaw then, pulling his head up to yours and smashing your mouths together.

For a moment, you actually kissed, mouths moving together like well-oiled engine. But it didn't take long until Jungkook was shoving his tongue passed your lips and licking frantically at the wet cavern. You moaned into his mouth at the taste of yourself on his tongue and then shifted your hips when Taehyung began pressing forward in order to lick as deeply as possible into your entrance.

Jungkook was half-way hovering over you now, resting his weight on his hip and in the perfect position for you to reach down into his pants and take his impossibly hard cock into your hand. Immediately, before you could even move your hand, he was bucking his hips into the tight grip in search of relief.

Taehyung had also moved to where his hips were straddling your leg slightly so he could start rubbing his clothed cock against you.

Now, they were both rocking their hips into you for relief and the motions were driving you abolustely insane. They made you feel so dirty and used and suddenly, you wanted to flip yourself over and let them have at you. Let them pound your ass until you were turned into a crying, screaming mess.

"'Wanna breed you," Jungkook murmured into your mouth gruffly, trying so hard to fuck into your hand roughly for some satisfaction, but there was no way he was going to get any in this position. He needed to be inside of you, with your tight wet heat suctioned around him.

"Yeah?" You moaned in between his incessant licks and kisses. "Wanna breed me, baby? Wanna fill me up and knot me?"

The filthy questions earned you a growl from Jungkook and he nipped at your bottom lip sharply, making you wince slightly as your eyebrows knitted together.

"Turn over. Want that ass in the air for me." He pulled away, giving you room to obey. "Gonna fuck my bitch so good. Fill her up with my pups." He was almost talking to himself at this point, so ready to fuck you as he quickly removed his pants and jerked his shirt over his head.

The only problem though was Taehyung, who was still languidly licking at you and rubbing himself against your leg. In his own little world. But when you made the move to turn over, he immediately caught on to what you were doing and sat back in excitement. His tail wagging as he rushed to remove his clothing.

Getting onto your knees and resting your weight on your forearms was an easy enough task. But it's the chaos that followed the action, where it all turned difficult.

Taehyung tried to move in behind you out of instinct, but a vicious growl tore from Jungkook's chest and he jumped to intercept the other's movement. With his brute strength, Jungkook wrestled and pinned Taehyung to the bed by his shoulders, growling and snapping in warning less than an inch away from his neck.

"My bitch, do you understand me? Stay the fuck away from her." Jungkook snarled, and even being human you could almost feel the domineering, intimidating pheromones that were echoing off of his body, so you could only imagine how affected Taehyung was by them. If you weren't in the bedroom with your ass in the air, you would stand up for Tae, but you knew better than to get into the middle of what was going on. When it came to breeding, Jungkook's word was law. He got first go.

Taehyung was positively terrified, ears flattened into his hair and eyes squeezed shut with his neck bared in submission. He whined in fear. "You don't touch until I say you can touch. And that won't be until after I pump her full and knot her up, so know your fucking place." And just to drive his point home and really get Taehyung to listen, Jungkook opened his mouth and rested his canines on the thin skin of Taehyung's neck. A dangerous warning. And then he removed them, snarling once more as he backed up off of the other hybrid and turned his attention back to what mattered.

You.

Jungkook sniffed at the air and then let out a satisfied huff when he smelt your arousal, the tantalizing aroma going straight to his cock and making it throb as he moved into position behind you.

You shuddered in anticipation when you felt the weight and heat of his body behind you and it was no surprise when you felt his strong hands grip your hips and begin jostling your body into his desired position. When he was done there was a deep arch in your back and your ass was poised perfectly in the air for him and it delighted you knowing how badly the sight probably drove him insane.

Seeing you completely offering yourself up to him, like his good little bitch. Your stomach twisted fiercely when he growled in approval at the sight of you and began lining his cock up with your entrance. Before he pushed in, he looked over his shoulder back at Taehyung and snarled, not even liking the other hybrid to be so close, but he was too desperate to be inside of you to care much about it.

As he pushed in, you bit your lip and held your breath, hand clutching the sheets in front of you in order to keep yourself grounded. The intense stretch of his girth stung, but it was expected and you knew it wouldn't last long. As soon as he would start thrusting, your body would adjust and open up perfectly for him, accepting his thickness eagerly.

"Fuck," you squeaked out breathlessly when he bottomed out with a thump and you listened to him breathe heavily through his nose behind you, most likely taking in this moment and gathering himself before he began plowing into you.

Jungkook draped himself over you, nuzzling through your hair in order to find your ear. For a moment he just breathed into it, making your heart beat frantically in your chest out of anticipation on what he was going to do next, and then he poked his tongue out to lave over it before tugging the lobe between his teeth with a growl.

"So wet and tight, my bitch feels so good," and he emphasized the last word with a deliberate roll of his hips that ended with a firm smack into your ass. The feeling was absolutely delicious.

And before you knew it, his hips began moving in a consistent motion. Quick little thrusts that you knew would only build in intensity over time. But right now, they were small and almost soft, yet had enough speed to have your ass jiggling every time his hips met it.

You could hear Taehyung behind you whining and moving around on the bed aimlessly, not knowing what to do with himself and the unbearable urge to fuck. You wanted to feel bad for him, but the steady, perfectly consistent rhythm of Jungkook's thrusts wouldn't allow you. You were already so fucking gone. The way Jungkook was fucking you right now could get you to cum without you even thinking about having to touch your clit. That's how good it was.

Jungkook reached underneath you and slipped one of his hands up your stomach all the way up to your breast, squeezing it and then tweaking the nipple with his fingers. "Perfect tits, baby. Can't wait to see 'em all full and leaking of milk for our pups." He growled dangerously then, his thrusts intensifying, shifting to the next level effortlessly.

"Yes, Kookie," you moaned out loudly, clenching around his cock from the filthy words shamelessly tumbling out of his mouth.

Honestly, you were pretty sure it wasn't possible for you to get pregnant by them, which was why you never worried about condoms or birth control. It's not like you were positively for certain, but you just figured since you were technically different species, you wouldn't be biologically compatible like that. But you had to admit, one of your deepest, darkest filthiest fantasies was quitting your job and just staying with your ass in the air all day everyday for them to take turns breeding you over and over again. Being their personal little pup-maker, like they'd probably love for you to be.

But that was a fantasy, and you tried to keep the sex with them under control because they were pretty much always horny and would be perfectly happy just spending their whole day fucking you. The instinct to reproduce was strong within them and always present, making it hard for them to see you in an innocent light sometimes. Like when you'd bend over to pick something up or tie your shoe, they'd see it as an opportunity to mount you from behind. Or when you'd be their little spoon while cuddling, they would be hyper-aware of their crotch pressed up against your ass and then get aroused and try to have sex.

Don't get you wrong though, you were a young healthy woman with a strong sex drive of your own that had no problems indulging two handsome hybrid's insatiable obsession. But sometimes, you had to be rational and refuse them or else you'd never get anything done throughout the day.

This time of the month however, when your ovulation cycle began to run its course, you knew that you had to surrender yourself to their incessant desire, at least until after it wasn't so strong to them. Because one time during one of your ovulation cycles you had a bad cold and did not feel like having sex at all, so you rejected all of their advances and quickly found out that it was physically painful for them when they could feel such a strong urge and pull towards you but couldn't do anything about it. It was so unbearable in fact that you ordered and expressed shipped from the internet a pheromone mask, a spray that you spritzed all over your body and masked the strong scent that you were sending out to Jungkook and Taehyung. It helped eased the sexual urge for them, but they were still clingy and didn't leave your side throughout the whole cycle.

You still had that spray, and kept it for emergencies, but you chose to deal with your cycle naturally most of the time and let them fuck you like they wanted. It was easier to just let it happen, rather than make sure you put the spray on again every hour to keep it effective. Plus, you really had no issues about dealing with it naturally when you could. And it was a Friday, so you had the next two days off and were free to spend them right here in this very bed if need be.

Your train of thought suddenly rerouted back to the present when Jungkook sat back onto his heels and gripped your hips in his strong hold, before pounding into you harder than before. Driving his hips into you with the sole purpose to get himself off and fill you up to the brim with his seed and knot.

You gasped, mouth hanging open in a silent scream and you gripped the covers beneath you, pulling up on them before pressing your forehead into the mattress. You were so wrecked beyond basic thought, that you didn't even notice Taehyung was now beside you. Glancing over at him, you saw him staring intently at where you and Jungkook were connected, the wet and sloppy sight of Jungkook's cock pistoning in and out of you and the obvious stretch you were having to endure in order to accommodate him. Taehyung's hand was wrapped around his cock, so tightly that his knuckles were white and he whined, frowning.

"T-Tae," you tried to speak, but Jungkook was fucking you so roughly your whole body was jostling with his thrusts and making it hard to even get a word out.

Taehyung's ears twitched at the sound of his name, but he couldn't pull his eyes away from the sight they were glued on.

You wanted to jerk him off, taking pity on him, but when you began reaching back for his cock, Jungkook growled in disapproval and suddenly draped himself back over your body. One hand holding his weight up on the bed and the other going to rest on your stomach.

He pressed his hand into your lower stomach and growled lowly in your ear. The pressure was tantalizing, emphasing the feel of his cock rubbing against your walls from within.

"My pups are gonna be in here. Mine, you're my bitch." He decided to remind you once again and the sharpest stab of arousal made your stomach clench from the reminder, and it was also that moment when you felt the familiar sting down at your entrance. The tell tale sensation of his knot beginning to form.

It was that added stretch whenever he would shove his knot passed your entrance and then pull it back out. It would catch on your entrance the more it grew but he would just thrust especially hard to fit it in and then yank his hips back to pop it back out and repeat the process.

This was the part where it was clear you were not made to take a hybrid's cock, even though whenever you'd voice that realization, Jungkook and Taehyung were quick to assure you that whenever you got pregnant with their pups they would be able to fit through your vagina so technically their knot should be no problem for you to handle.

Needless to say, even if that was true, it was definitely easier said than done.

"Jungkook!" You cried out, feeling that familiar urge to tap out as you buried your face in the covers. But despite the pain, your stomach still swirled warmly in the direction of a release and oddly enough, the arousal and pain blended into something delicious and overwhelming.

And then, Jungkook gave the hardest thrust yet and popped his knot into your entrance, the action causing you to gasp sharply. But you knew this time, it was in you to stay. Because Jungkook didn't try to yank his hips back like before, instead he grind into you with a purpose, hips flushed with your ass.

The swirling warmth in the pit of your stomach began to intensify at how full you felt, and not to mention you could feel the way his knot rubbed snugly against your walls and hitting every sugary spot you could imagine.

No human man could ever make you feel this way.

And just the thought of that, coupled with the incredible feeling of being filled to the brim, was enough to send you spiraling into the most sweetest high. The feeling of heaven flushing throughout your limbs and caressing your stomach and lower back, making your toes curl and mouth pop open as you welcomed it with fervor.

The sensation of your walls clenching and clenching and your thighs quivering in an attempt to keep yourself up was what finally coaxed Jungkook into coming. Releasing his thick seed deep within you as his chest rumbled with a deep content growl, his face nuzzling into your temple and hips continuing to move in small little grind to milk himself dry inside of you.

There was so much cum, he was still releasing into you and it always amazed you how completely stuffed you were afterwards. Filled up completely by Jungkook, every inch inside of you.

"Fuck," you whimpered, letting out a shaky breath and the small little noise made Jungkook wrap both arms around your middle in an attempt to comfort you as he lapped at your face, but you were now supporting both of your weight and you let out a helpless noise at the pressure on your upper body. "Jungkook, please you're squishing me,"

And he gave you one last lick before placing his hands back onto the bed and picking his weight up off of you.

You looked back over your shoulder at him, wondering what he looked like after such an intense fuck since you basically never had sex facing each other. You always had to be on your hands and knees, in the proper breeding position, Taehyung and Jungkook proclaimed.

The sight nearly made you orgasm all over again. Sweat soaked his hairline and was dripping down the sides of his face, coupled with hooded eyes and parted lips as he breathed heavily from the previous exertion. There was a slight furrow between his eyebrows, making him look like the sexiest thing you've ever witnessed. And as if the whole thing couldn't get better, he tilted his head back slightly and sniffed at the air, hips twitching afterwards.

"Smells good. Just like it always does when my bitch gets bred."

You moaned, feeling fucking aroused all over again because of Jungkook and his damn filthy, blatant words.

When you propped yourself up back onto your elbows, your sore knees were brought to your attention and you were just about to ask Jungkook if he could arrange you two on your sides like usual but thats when you suddenly felt something.

Something little and faint down at your entrance, that was there and gone within a quick second.

Jungkook suddenly went tense above you and then you felt it again. This time, you realized it was wet and warm, prodding and swiping around the area tentatively.

"Taehyung," you suddenly said with a shaky exhale. Not asking for his attention, but just voicing your realization that the odd sensation was him.

He was positioned behind you and Jungkook, head angled between your legs in order to lap around your sensitive center. He always did this after Jungkook knotted you, enjoying the new juices that your climaxes provided while also offering his numbing/healing saliva. Aiding with any soreness you felt, but it was mainly for Jungkook. Whenever you couldn't feel Taehyung's tongue, you knew he had veered off to the base of Jungkook's cock and was licking at the little part of his knot that could be seen from inside of your vagina. Their knots were always sensitive and sore afterwards so they would help each other out and lick them to ease the dull ache since they couldn't reach their own.

Jungkook released a deep breath, his body seeming to relax along with it. He crowded you forwards and then dropped his weight down onto his hip on the mattress, moving the two of you so you would be on your sides.

Taehyung whined at the loss, trying to follow the irresistible taste and Jungkook just rolled his eyes tiredly when he got you both situated and then he slipped his hand under your inner thigh so he could heft your leg into the air that way for Taehyung. The eldest hybrid re-positioned himself and dove back in, licking at you both once more eagerly.

You were so exhausted all of the sudden, Jungkook always did a number on you when you fucked. It was go big or go home for him all the time when it came to sex, which you had no complaints about whatsoever. But golly, it sure tired you out.

Practically numb to Taehyung's tongue at this point, you just rested your head on the pillow and gazed tiredly down at him working, enjoying the feeling of both of your lovers so close to you.

And before you knew it, your eyes were slipping closed and the last thing you remembered before dozing off was Jungkook growling softly and easing your leg down, telling Taehyung to let you rest.

You awoke to the sun shining straight into your eyes and you moaned, turning your head away from the light. But the innocent morning sunlight was definitely not what roused you from sleep, and quite frankly, not what made you moan either.

Opening one eye and peeking down, you saw a mop of brown hair between your legs, fluffy ears perked up.

"Taehyung," you whispered, biting your lip and frowning at the over-sensitivity of his tongue lapping at your clit.

Realizing you were awake, he looked up at you and his tail began to wag in excitement. He pulled himself up, whining and your eyes fell to the large bulge in his pajama pants.

His hips stuttered, seeking out friction.

"Please, before Jungkook wakes up," he pleaded desperately, giving you the literal puppy dog eyes as the cherry on top.

You yawned, stretching your muscles and wondering how the hell you allowed those eyes to have such a strong effect on you as you rolled over onto your knees. You kept your head on the pillow, hugging it and closing your eyes, feeling Taehyung moving around behind you.

Good morning world, you thought humorously as you arched your back and poked your ass into the air.

#jungkook scenarios #taehyung scenarios #jungkook smut #taehyung smut #bts scenarios #bts hybrid #dogboy!tae #dogboy!jungkook #itttmttgr

8K notes · View notes

heartsofstrangers · 5 years

Photo

What has been one of the most challenging things that you have experienced, or are currently experiencing?

“The most challenging experience I’m having right now is getting back into the world. Finding myself and place that I’ve lost over my 14 years of addiction. I think I’ve found myself, but I think that is a struggle for a lot of people in the world. Not necessarily somebody who struggles with addiction, but finding who they are as a person, and their being, and their purpose. I’m finding that. Or I think I’ve found that, but I don’t know if anybody finds that throughout their whole life. I’m lucky to be able to have that opportunity—a second chance at life in this recovery road.”

Tell me about the years of addiction, and what maybe contributed to the addiction.

“Well, in high school, not choosing the best group of friends. My father moved away when I was very young. No fault of his own. He had to go to find work in other states, which I now understand as an adult, but at the time I think I was suppressing that loss of him, having to move. He had no choice, he had to.

“For a group of friends, divorce is hard on children. Remarriage is also hard on children. I was very fortunate to have a great stepfather. But that was also challenging. I also experienced a lot of bullying my junior year at Southington High. That, in turn, led me to switch high schools, from Southington High to New Britain High. Although I made it out of there, it was really some hard times for me. I just kept self-medicating.

“Eventually, one high wasn’t as good as the first. I just kept going for that ultimate high, until eventually it caused me to overdose twice.”

Tell me about the times you overdosed. What was that experience like?

“In my first experience I was experimenting with drugs, and I did not know a good mixture. The reality is I was trying to get the ultimate high by mixing pills with antidepressants. It caused a bad overdose and ultimately led to my mother coming in and finding me unresponsive, and an ambulance ride with two vials of Narcan that ended up bringing me back to life. That experience as a whole, being brought in on a stretcher and seeing my family to the right, seeing the ER to the left, seeing the facial expressions on my family members, is something I will never get out of my head. I’ve learned to cope with it.

“Apparently, it wasn’t enough of a wake-up call for me in 2004. My second overdose was in 2009/2010. That experience alone ended up putting me in critical care. All of my bodily fluids had let go. It was a very awakening experience for me. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of my addiction. The second time wasn’t either. But the second time, my nephew had a play that night and I lay there in the hospital bed thinking, now my addiction is not enabling me to be in my nephews’ lives, which I was blind to for so many years prior to that. My addiction had brought me to my knees, and it was now time to wake up and start getting it together.

“It wasn’t until two or three years after that that I started wanting more for myself. But it was a very humbling experience. It was sad. I found myself out and about a week later, getting heroin, and smoking crack again. And again, just suppressing all of those feelings I had had. I felt like I could not stop the vicious cycle. Addiction is a vicious cycle. For many people, it’s hard to find that break. If you do find it, it’s possible.”

What were some of the things you missed out on or lost because of the years of addiction?

“One of the biggest things is time. We as humans, we as people, can get a lot of things back in life. Sneakers, clothes, cars. But the most valuable thing that we as humans can’t get back is time. So if you asked me what the biggest one was, it would be time. I missed out on time with my nephews. Time to get my career off the ground and finances in order. Yes, we can get some of those things back, but we don’t get time back.”

Has forgiving yourself, or even forgiving others, been part of the process of recovery for you?

“Yeah, very big. I’d like to sit here today and say that I one hundred percent wholeheartedly have forgiven myself. Some days I think I’ve got it and I do, and other days I don’t. I think that’s all part of the recovery process. Good days and bad. That’s for anybody. But we as addicts struggle a little more, I feel. Or depression. Whatever somebody is recovering from.

“I believe I’m almost there. It’s a process of forgiving myself. Forgiving others is a process as well. But I understand there were a lot of difficult decisions and situations I put my family in for many years that I was bitter from. It had to eventually come to a point where they had to separate—for themselves. I have forgiven. I have to, because we as adults—cancer survivors, addiction, depression, mental health, whatever you may be recovering from—it’s vitally important that the person who has suffered for so many years gets to a point where they forgive themselves so they can move forward.

“There have been a lot of crying nights, a lot of fist punches to the pillow, a lot of difficult situations I’ve had to play over in my mind as it’s a process, you have to forgive in order to move forward. Some of the situations I didn’t like having to forgive and I still struggle with today. But it’s only going to hold me back. I was very fortunate that I had a family and I still have a family that is allowing me to recover. And it’s allowing me to forgive myself. One of the biggest things my family said to me two and a half years ago was we forgive you. A lot of people don’t get that opportunity. The ones who do, we’re very fortunate. But I’m still told up until last week when I was having a ‘Jenny’ moment, ‘Jenny, we forgive you. You can feel sorry for what you’ve been through, but we forgive you and we’re here.’ And it’s important that you know that so you can move forward.

“So I have to keep replaying that in my head every day. My mother is a second-time cancer survivor, and I tell her, ‘I know you didn’t mean to get sick. Sometimes I think you had to go and get sick,’ and she’ll say, ‘Well, you were sick for years. Allow me time to get well.’ So I forgive. It’s important to forgive. It’s a process.”

It sounds like having your family tell you they forgive you is freeing in some way.

“Absolutely. It’s relieving for me. The guilt was a very big part of what stopped me from moving forward. It was self-medicating, which started in high school, as I said. Self-medicating from bad decisions, bad choices in friends, being bullied out of my own town. But almost a year ago I forgave some of those people in high school, because we were young. We didn’t know. We wanted to be cool. That’s part of me that’s forgiving. But my family. Yes, for them to be able to say Jenny we forgive you, and it’s important that you know that because we want you to be healthy and be here with us. It’s a very big part for me.”

What sort of role do you think guilt and shame have played in your mental health and addiction?

“The stealing that I did from my family, money. Lies. Being someone I wasn’t. I think one of the biggest things is I had many opportunities to come clean with them, and I didn’t. But I can’t change that. I can only move forward from where I am now.

“A lot of the guilt and shame is from where I was living for a long time. Just kind of a reflection of how life was. Facebook does these pop-up pictures from years prior. And a lot of them have been popping up from the last four or five years. It’s been a good reminder. Because I thought I looked healthy back then. I didn’t. To see how far I’ve come. So the guilt, when I see those. I take it as a hard lesson. Thank you for letting me see how I was. But I wasn’t fooling anybody for a long time. I was only fooling myself.”

Would you say that guilt and shame feed the fire of addiction?

“Oh yeah. The guilt and the shame feed the fire. Absolutely. Because people don’t like feeling feelings. Not everybody. But feelings are healthy from what I’ve been learning. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel mad. It’s okay to feel anger, disappointment, and resentment. It’s okay to be uncomfortable sometimes, you know? That’s good. But for many years, the guilt was feeding all of that and suppressing my way of life.”

All those years of repressing and suppressing those feelings that made you uncomfortable—did they go away, or were they still there when you got sober? And have you had to move through them?

“Those feelings are still there. They’re always going to be there. But I have learned a different way of life and a different way of learning how to manage those feelings and deal with them without having to numb myself from those feelings. Therapy. Yoga. Meditative coloring is my favorite. Love that. So I’ve learned ways to deal with those feelings. They’re always going to be there. But I think at the end of the day, as I was saying earlier, forgiveness plays a very big role in that. Knowing that if you forgive yourself, then everything after that kind of comes into order.

“Forgiving yourself is probably one of the biggest steps in recovery, because after that, your mind, body, and soul know that you have forgiven the most important person in your life. And that’s you. Me. The one who suffered for so many years. Everyone else did suffer, but it gives a sense of relief in my body that I can move forward instead of dealing with those feelings when I’m numbing myself and feeling guilty.”

I’ve talked to many people who are recovering from a wide variety of issues, and one of the recurring themes is that people tend to cause more suffering and pain to themselves than what initially led them to try to escape those feelings in the first place. Would you say that’s true?

“I agree with that. Absolutely. Eventually what happens is you keep suppressing, suppressing, suppressing, rather than dealing with the issues at hand. Eventually it’s two or three years later and time, we don’t get back, but we can always make more time. That leads to suppressing rather than just dealing with the issue at hand. It’s important that people such as myself, you, who have started this Hearts of Strangers, to be able to give people the opportunity to do this. To be able to share their experiences and know you don’t have to go two, three, fourteen years like I did. I would like to not say it’s a waste of time, but I feel if I heard these stories, with what you do and put it out there for people. A lot more people such as myself would have come out a lot earlier.”

You mentioned the realization that you were missing out on your nephews’ lives. What else contributed to the awakening you needed to make some changes?

“I saw my friends getting married and having children. And I wanted that. I always wanted that for myself. I still want that for myself, and I know at the right time it will come. But that was one of the biggest factors, missing out and wanting to be a productive person in society. I was missing out.

“Many nights I would break night and I would hear the birds come up and start chirping. Breaking night is just awful. And I would get in my car from wherever I was and look out the window, and I’d see people going by in their cars to work, to their lives. And I wasn’t being a productive person in society. I wasn’t playing a good role for myself, for my family, for my loved ones. I wanted more for myself, which I hope that before too many lives are lost to this vicious cycle of addiction that people get the opportunity, like I have or you have, because it is possible to live happy and healthy without being under the substance of an addiction, or a drug or alcohol.”

How important do you think connection is in finding a sense of purpose and meaning and moving forward in your journey?

“There are many important roles played in recovery, and that is one of the number ones. It’s very important. Networking. Yeah, I think it’s very important. Finding a sense of purpose and reaching out.”

When things are good but also when things are bad.

“Absolutely. Life is about finding a balance, and I think finding a balance for anybody, even someone who doesn’t have an addiction or struggle, is challenging. What is right? What is wrong? A lot of people say right when the person thinks they got it, they don’t. You’re always learning something new. I think finding the right balance and being comfortable where you are, in a comfortable setting. Finding what’s comfortable for you and then going for it. For me personally, yoga. I’m thinking about getting into kickboxing again. I’ll be the first one to say the best high in the world is getting the endorphins going and working out. That’s one of the biggest things that pulled me out in recovery. I’m a big softball player. Getting out there and being able to cream some softballs is a good feeling for me.”

So doing the things you enjoy doing must really make you feel good. You’ve been able to network and build relationships.

“Yes. And I’ve also been able to repair a lot of relationships as well. Recovery University was a very big opportunity for me. I met a lot of kind people there. For me I was kind of twisting in the air. And again, trying to find the right direction in life. Ultimately in the end, my addiction ended up saving me, if that makes sense.

“Networking, such as people. Reaching out, such as people to you. Or friends, such as yourself. To be able to sit here with you and do this is therapy for me. It’s recovery for me. This is a great high. Networking is very important, like I said. I’m also doing Narcan classes. That’s not a resolution. That’s standing in the gap. But for me to be able to do that and give people a second chance at life. Networking with Greater Hartford Harm Reduction Coalition, my friends up there or you. NA. AA. As they say, one hand washes the other. I feel that it’s been a challenge, but I’m starting to experience it in this recovery world. There was a time when I didn’t want to go anywhere. I just stayed in my house. I was clean and I wasn’t using, but I wasn’t living.

“It was because of networking, from one mouth to another, and seeing the support. There is a lot of support in the recovery world. There definitely is. You have to be very careful and choosy, but yeah, networking has played a very big part in my life.”

Did you find it difficult to reach out for help, and to find the resources that have been beneficial to you?

“In the beginning, I wasn’t trying. In all fairness, it hasn’t been challenging for me. I don’t know if a little bit of my personality has to do with it. I was always very outgoing. But it’s been fairly easy for me to find support in the recovery community and reaching out.

“I know it’s hard for some to reach out more than for others. But if you want to live this recovery road, walk this recovery road, I will tell anybody, don’t let any person, place, or thing stop you. You keep reaching out, because it may be the first, second, third, fourth, or fifth person who does not help you, but I guarantee when you get to the sixth or seventh, you’ll find him. Keep trying.

“For me it hasn’t really been much of a struggle. I’m very fortunate. I have a loving family that just when I gave up on me, had to love me from afar. But I have some encountered some really wonderful friends and great support over the years.”

It sounds like you have a lot of unconditional love and support in your life.

“I do. And a lot of people aren’t as fortunate as me. And for that my heart goes out even harder for them.”

Is that what inspires you to reach out and be part of the community of helping others who may be going through some of the same obstacles that you’ve faced?

“Absolutely. Because although it is going on almost three years now of having those feelings. I have recovery dates for certain things that I stopped along the way. But all in all, about three years. Those feelings, like we said earlier, they never go away. But those feelings of loneliness, the feelings of craving a high or drug to just make you feel normal. All of those feelings will impact me for the rest of my life. I’m never going to forget where I came from. I know where I’m going, and I’m not close to where I want to be, but I’m a lot farther than I was. That makes me want to get out there and empathize with people as humans. The sick and still suffering. To be able to help them. I recently, in the past four months, got into working for Aware Recovery Care. And their treatment approach is wonderful. But anyone out there who is in this service or in this field, whether you’re getting paid or not, has to have a passion and know what one has gone through. Even if they don’t, it’s never bad to lend a helping hand and help somebody. So, my past experience is what is driving me to help people in recovery.”

Have you faced stigma at all in having the history and past that you have? Do you still encounter that?

“Yeah. I encountered a year ago, I went to an NA meeting and I had mentioned that I was on methadone, which is a medication that got me to a stable point of not being sick, living a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Healthy, honest, productive person of society. I had mentioned that I was on that, and somewhere in between the temporary sponsor that I had. I don’t know where she missed that big vital point of that happening, I wanted to start being a door greeter and taking commitments and working the steps. And it was passed onto me by this temporary sponsor that I could not start or take any step work or commitments until I was off my methadone, because that is not considered being clean.

“So that was a very big stigma and big prejudice that I felt. That, in turn, pushed me away from going to my meetings and pushed me away from my networking for a good six or seven months until I talked to a couple of people at RU, and they said, don’t let that stop you. I may say this angry right now, but I can voice it. Until you have a PhD after your name, then we’ll talk. For me, it’s what works for me. I’ll never be the type to sit there and tell someone, ‘You’re not clean because you’re on a medication that is being prescribed for abuse.’ Especially if you’re tapering off. But it’s what works for that person.”

You’re mentioned RU, Recovery University, a few times. Tell me what that is.

“Recovery University is part of Advocacy Unlimited. It’s a nonprofit organization that accepts anybody who has a co-occurring disorder, depression, addiction, to allow them to get an 80-hour certification in the state of Connecticut, to be able to work with individuals who have co-occurring depression, addiction, alcoholism, and be able to work in the field of addiction services. Anybody recovering from something, but addiction services mostly, mental health. And be an advocate for them. Help them on their recovery journey. The thing I like best about RU is I never thought I would be able to go to a university for something that almost killed me and made me hide for years. Then I could go to school for it and get a certification and be sitting here and working in the field. But along with the RU certification, I did some networking. I met some wonderful people along the way.”

It sounds like an organization, or a concept such as Recovery University, makes it possible for people who have lived experiences to then be a support to others who are still going through it. It sounds like a way to turn something negative and painful, something that may be been a weakness in your life into a strength, something you could be proud of. Something that had value and you could offer it to others to help them. I think it’s huge in shifting the perspective of the 14 years or so that you spent using.

“Recovery University . . . well, my biggest accomplishment prior to that was graduating high school. And that was a struggle for me, because of having to switch high schools and because of the bullying experiences I had. But the second was graduating from Recovery University, and having that diploma, having my father come. And having that certification and being able to turn a negative into a very big positive. And being able to stand on a stage in front of all of these people who are all fighting for the same cause. For so many years when I thought I was alone, I knew that there were people out there feeling the way I was, but I realize in-depth that I never really was alone. I’m not alone now, which is a good feeling to know.”

You mentioned in the beginning of this interview some of the things that may have contributed to your addiction. Your father moving away at a young age, moving away, changing schools, your parents going through a divorce, remarriage, and also being bullied. Where there other traumas or experiences that may have contributed to not having the coping skills needed to deal with those issues?

“Yeah, for a long time, from the age of 10 probably up to my early or late teens, I always knew that something wasn’t right with my mom. But I also didn’t know that she was suffering from addiction at the time as well. I was blind toward it, but I knew something wasn’t right with her, and her behavior, but I was given a lot of free time to come and go. There were rules. I wouldn’t say a bad thing about my mother today. She did a good job. She saved me twice from overdose and raised a kind, gentle, loving woman—myself. I think a lot of that had to do with it.

“As time went on, I started self-medicating and not acknowledging issues and speaking how I felt. Again, I don’t mean to keep going back to the bullying in high school, but that ultimately ended up being the biggest factor in my 14 years of addiction. Had that not happened, I think I would have been able to acknowledge some things at home that were bothering me, and worries that I had. My mother wasn’t ready to come and admit it yet. That goes along with people—when they’re ready, they’re ready. You can’t force anyone into recovery. A person has to want it. Now it’s almost 16 years that she’s been clean. So I think that had a big factor to do with it.”

It sounds like instability in your home life, and your role models weren’t modeling the healthiest coping skills for whatever challenges they were facing. So you didn’t really have the resources or access to coping skills that may have helped you avoid drugs and that path.

“Well no, that’s not really accurate. I always had what I needed. I was always well taken care of. Beautiful home, clothes, but that’s not all that a lot of people need. She never, an example of my mom. One day I swung on a 3 and 0 and you never swing on a 3 and 0 in softball or baseball, but I did, and I had two RBIs. The coach walked off the field and quit. So we didn’t have a coach to proceed and my mother was the one to get off the bench and said, ‘Okay, I’ll coach.’

“So I did have support. I did have endless love that I still do today. But there was part of me that could see that my mom still was not healthy. So subliminally in my teens, I just started smoking pot, drinking beer. Addiction is a disease. Now I know that later on in life. I had lots of support, a loving sister, family. But I think that did play a smidgen in my self-medicating.”

Thank you for saying that, because I think a lot of times we think addiction looks a certain way or there is a recipe for addiction. There are plenty of people who are professionals living in beautiful homes, driving expensive cars. From the outside it looks very cookie cutter and that they have everything that they could possibly need. There are still mental-health issues or addiction issues. I’m glad you corrected me and said that, because I think it’s really important.

“Yes, it is important. A lot of people think ‘She’s got the best Nikes on and Abercrombie and oh, their life is great.’ But until you live in those four walls, eight wall, ten walls—a mansion—you don’t really know what’s going on inside people’s homes.

“Again, hats off to my mother. When people are born, they don’t come with an instruction manual. I sure gave her a run for years. But I’m glad we’re all here to enjoy each other and live prosperous, healthy years to come.”

It sounds like you’re at a place in your life when you can acknowledge that your mother and father did the best they could. I myself was able to come to that place in my journey. And it was very freeing to let go of that resentment and the blaming sometimes that happen. It starts when you’re a teenager. You wish your parents were something different than what they were. You think you were going without. Then you realize that they are people too. They are doing the best that they can.

“Yeah, absolutely. Just to go back on my father moving away. At the age of 12 or 13, I felt like he up and left me. He always said, ‘Jennifer, I had a very tough decision to make. I had to make money.’ For many years, which led to me self-medicating was my father moved away, and he had other children. Here I am and it was bitter. Suppressing and suppressing. But little did I know that my father was suffering from alcoholism out there. He was having depression. Clinical depression. Do I wish that there were more attempts made on his part and mine? Yes. But for the first time in 20 years I just had Christmas with him. It’s a wonderful feeling. Relationships and family take a lot of work. That’s why communication is one of the biggest things in life.”

It sounds like there’s a lot of honesty now in that communication.

“Yes, there is. I didn’t realize what he was dealing with while in Michigan and Illinois. And I can only imagine that divorces can be tough. For him to be how many states away trying to communicate with a teenager, me at the time. And for him to know that I was BSing him the whole time and there was really nothing he could do about it. I feel more of an attempt could have been made by him to reach out. But also, I wasn’t being honest with him. And I wasn’t honest with him for 14 years. Even when I became an adult.

“It’s a process. Recovery is a process, and it’s going to be a process for the rest of my life. But I now have tools and wonderful people to network. And a support safety net that I can go to. I’m very confident with that.”

What sort of role does spirituality play in this journey for you in recovery?

“I’m happy you asked that. I would always call on God when I was in trouble. ‘Oh, God, please don’t let me get pulled over.’ I didn’t realize until maybe a year ago that I would only call on him when I was in trouble. So for a while it didn’t sit easy with me. I felt hypocritical to him. Spirituality for me, I’m still in the process of working on that. I’m working on that. I know that my spirit is what’s most important, and I’ve got to work on keeping that spirt alive and torched up, and it goes down sometimes. I’m working on that spirituality aspect. I had a little glimpse of spirituality on my way out to Illinois, which was very ironic going to see my father. There was a priest walking around the boarding area and there was nowhere to sit, so I said, ‘Father, would you like my seat?’ and he said, “No, no, no, I’m okay. Thank you.’ And I didn’t want to push it so I said, ‘Okay, happy holidays.’ So on the returning flight I see him sitting in the same area as me getting ready to go back to Bradley. So I said, ‘Hi, Father. Did you have a good Christmas? Do you remember me?’ because I had a hat on going out. And he goes, ‘I remember you. You’re the nice young lady who offered me your seat on the way out, and it made me feel good to know that there are still people out there doing nice charity work.’ And as little as that was, we got into a discussion of how cold the world can be today. I shared very briefly what I could about my addiction and my struggles. It was almost a sign that he was on that plane, because it’s one of the things that I’m working on right now. My spirituality, my religion, my beliefs. We ended up exchanging phone numbers. When he’s done with his travels, I’d like to go see him and get more in depth with my spirituality. So it was just kind of weird how that happened.”

What are some things that enhance your spirit when you are feeling depleted?

“A lot of what my spirit is is to not want to go back to the way I was living. Early on in my recovery my higher power was my nephews. Everyone says whatever your higher power is, even if it’s that tree, whatever you believe in you believe in. My nephews were a very big part of my life and a lot of the guilt I carried was, up until they were about 9 and 10, I was in their lives consistently. And then when addiction started to kick off, I wasn’t. So they were my higher power for spirituality. Now, what keeps me going every day is the remembrance of not wanting to go back and live that way. My body is healthy. My mind is clear. I’m actually okay in my own skin now.”

It’s seems like you’re looking in the rear-view mirror now. Seeing you’re in a better place gives you strength to move forward.

“Keeping it green a little bit. Remembering where I came from. Not so much that it hinders me every day, but knowing I’m not going back there again. I’m not going back there. To be able to have this opportunity today to sit here and to be able to answer these difficult questions, that aren’t so difficult for me to answer right now. But back then, I would have been dodging everywhere. To be able to sit here in an art gallery and be able to share with you. These questions that humble me and brought me to my weakest point for several years. To see how far I’ve come.”

What have you learned about yourself in these years that you were battling addiction, even in the years that followed in your recovery?

“I’m learning a bit more about myself every day. I think we all do that as people. But one of the biggest things is that I’m kind, and I’m a good person. Although I felt like I lost that for years, my self-worth. To know I have all of these people behind me who love me and support me is enough to keep me going. I learned that every day is not going to be a good day. There are going to be days that are bad. But it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel things without numbing yourself. It’s a cleansing.”

You talked earlier about how it’s part of being human to be upset, to be angry, to be uncomfortable. I can relate to that, because I think the things that make us uncomfortable lead us to check out and be numb with whatever we use, whether it’s television, phones, shopping, sex, gambling, smoking, drugs, alcohol, food—we all do something to take that edge off. What I’ve learned in my recovery is that when you learn to sit with what makes you uncomfortable, without armoring up, without checking out, without numbing, you make peace with it. Then you no longer have to run from it. You’re no longer dodging it.

“And forgiveness. Learning to forgive yourself little by little.”

We’ve talked about a lot of different components, and recovery, your own personal recovery journey. I want to talk about the role that self-love plays in this for you. Maybe in comparison to where you were in your addiction. Where are you today with self-love?

“It’s still a work in progress. I was struggling with addiction for 14 years. I’m not going to come out of all of those feelings I had in three. Self-love? I do love myself a lot more than I did back then. Knowing that I have people behind me makes me love myself even more. I always had that love. But I was just so numb to it for years. So knowing I have all of that behind me makes me want to love myself more.

“Doing work such as working with individuals. People in general make me love myself. One of my biggest struggles today is being too kind and not keeping enough kindness for myself. Loving everybody else and putting Jenny last.

“I have a lot of love for myself. I’m getting there. Some days are better than others, but I know when I lay my head down at night, one of my father’s favorite sayings is, ‘When you lay yourself down at night and close your eyes, it’s only you and your mind in there. You and your body.’ When I lay down at night, I have a good conscience. I know I did the best that I could throughout my day. I know I wasn’t hurting anybody, including myself. And I’m working on being pure.

“I have a lot of great qualities that I was told about for years, but I’m working on that. I love myself more than I did back then. It’s an everyday process. But I know I’m a good person. And I’m wholehearted. That’s what keeps me going, along with other components.”

That touches upon something I’ve learned and share when I have the opportunity to speak. When we avoid making ourselves uncomfortable and we numb ourselves and self-medicate, protect ourselves from being hurt, we end up closing ourselves off from the joy, the beauty, and the love and support that are there. You mentioned that you had love around you all that while, but you just couldn’t see it because you were in the state that you were in.

“Yeah, my mental state—numb, numb. I couldn’t feel anything. I feel things today, which is good.”

It’s part of being human, right? Feeling things.

“That definitely plays a big role in it [laughs]!”

Is there a favorite quote or a mantra or song lyric, or a piece of advice that someone has shared with you over the years, that you would like to share today?

“There’s a Subaru commercial. There’s a girl singing in the commercial. I can’t think of the song right now, hold on, it’s coming to me: ’take back my life song.’ You know what I’m talking about? That’s my song. Sorry I can’t remember the name of it. That’s it. There are a lot of words and lyrics in that song.”

I want to say it’s called “Fight Song”

“That’s it! Fight Song.”

What does it mean to you?

“The word fight. I’ve got a lot of fight in me. Prove I’m all right song. It’s not just proving I’m all right to other people, but to myself. I’ve always loved music, dancing. Music as a whole inspires me. The Right Song. That’s it.”

How has it felt to talk about these feelings and experiences with me today?

“It’s a great high. It’s a wonderful high. The reason why it’s such a wonderful high is because my body can feel, and my mind knows that this isn’t BS. I’ve said these similar words to people over the years. But when I would drive away or lay down at night, I knew that they weren’t real. To be able to sit here today, wholeheartedly, clean, not under any substance, feeling this, has been a wonderful experience for me. It’s been a great high. And I thank you for the opportunity.”

Do you think it’s possible by sharing your experience and your journey in this way that it could potentially inspire someone else who may be listening to it or reading?

“Absolutely. One hundred percent. I stand by one hundred percent the work that you’re doing, the work that we’re all doing for everybody who’s trying to help people by sharing their stories on this recovery road. Whether it’s just one word, one phrase, one picture, it can save somebody’s life, and it can really change and alter their way of thinking dramatically. And as I has said earlier in the interview, networking. This is therapy for me. Sharing my story. If I didn’t network, I wouldn’t have met you. If it wasn’t for Recovery University, I wouldn’t have met you. So it’s all about networking. Getting out there, striving for something that you want in life. Not having to go back and live that way. Having this opportunity today with you is therapy for me. I don’t even know if there is a price I could pay for a therapy session such as this.”

#recovery #opiod epidemic #overdose #mental health #courage #resilience #everyhearthasastorytotell

1 note · View note

unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

Text

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

#talking abt being nervous abt it has made me a bit more nervous abt it...im trying to simmer down...dont have to die just yet...But You Know #also i could.

9 notes · View notes

idolizerp · 6 years

Photo

[ LOADING INFORMATION ON IMPERIAL’S MAIN VOCAL SEJOO…. ]

DETAILS

CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 20 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 16 SKILL POINTS: 14 VOCAL | 10 DANCE | 00 RAP | 11 PERFORMANCE SECONDARY SKILLS: Music production (r&b)

INTERVIEW

“i need this.”

it wasn’t a secret that 99 entertainment didn’t have the best reputation, everybody knew and had heard about the scandals surrounding poizn. sejoo was a trainee the first time he heard the rumours, it wasn’t hard to ignore. every corner you turned, someone was talking about it. he could see the regular glum and frustrated expressions on everyone’s faces, he wasn’t stupid. he could see it all. but along with the rumours about poizn, came the rumours that 99 would soon be throwing a bunch of trainees into a survival show, a battle of war in order to find the best of the best, or the closest to the best they could get. he couldn’t deny that he spent extra hours practising when he heard. ‘maybe this could be my chance,’ he thought to himself. a chance at finally getting somewhere, even if it was a survival show. he was sixteen, forcing and pushing himself for hours on end to become better, to become one of the chosen ones. his sleeping schedule lessened, his bones continued to ache day after day. he wanted this. he needed this. he didn’t want to be a trainee forever, to never debut. it already happened once, back in his old company. he had spent years being mistreated, not taken seriously with them, and if this was the one chance he could get at debuting, then he was going to put his all in.

although, he had doubts. he had his days where he wondered if they would even think that he would be a possible option. but somehow, whether it was luck or pity, he was chosen and it was a step closer to his dreams.

he fought long and hard on the survival show, and truth be told, he did feel bad. he felt bad when some trainees were scolded, when some didn’t make the cut. but at the end of the day, this wasn’t a way to make friends. this was a survival show, people were competing. not everybody would make it to the end, to the final product. so he knew that he had to toughen up, he couldn’t be the soft and kind guy he was, and maybe that would be part of his downfall. his mind was so engrossed in the game, for the prize that he partly lost himself along the way. he wasn’t the sweet and happy-go-lucky guy he was, instead, he had become someone who was greedy, someone who fed off the failure of others. he didn’t like who he had become, he didn’t like the image he had painted himself to be, the image that others would view him as. he didn’t want to be seen as that guy.

but it got him to where he was now, right? he was chosen, and imperial was formed. sejoo was one of the chosen, and he couldn’t have been more happy.

he didn’t stay happy for long, because before he knew it, he was quickly thrown into the spotlight, a debut that he wasn’t fully ready for. he had just been thrown into the limelight and he was lost. confused, struggling to fully settle his feet on the ground, to feel content. he didn’t feel secure. it was obvious to him that 99 had just thrown them to the audience to cover up the mess that poizn had created, imperial were being used as a band aid. and he was frustrated. they deserved better than that.

sejoo deserved better, especially after being forced to put up a front, to be someone he wasn’t. “it’s what the company want, it’s what they think is best.” he’d always tell himself, in hopes that it would justify it. they wanted him to be a distinctive mark within the group, someone who was fierce, someone who gave off a powerful vibe — one that was strong enough for people to turn a blind eye at the mess poizn had made. they wanted him to be tough, to lustful. they wanted his stage persona to match with his deep and unique voice, a sensual match.

but that wasn’t him. behind doors, he was nowhere near that. he was a softie, someone who’s smile could brighten the room up immediately, someone who was deep and had many layers to them. energetic, playful, compassionate, affectionate, witty — all things that he couldn’t show on stage. and he hated it.

he wasn’t lee sejoo of imperial to the public. he was a fake. a smirk and a few finger hearts made him someone who the audience would fawn over, and although the attention was nice, it wasn’t him. it’s difficult for him, because the image that he’s forced to portray on stage means that first encounters with people, other idols, staff etc meant that they expected him to be that person.

did he still have to live it up then?

he was thankful to be one of the lucky ones who were more private and sneaky with their personal life, which meant that he was never involved in any scandals like some of his label mates. ‘kudos to you,’ a regular praise he’d tell himself followed by a small tap on the back.

not even six months later, he was faced with the devastating news that one of their members left. he wanted to feel angry, he wanted to feel vexation, he wanted to feel the way his other group members were feeling — and he did. yet, all of those emotions were overpowered by the sadness, the feeling of pure loss. he felt disconsolate. but it wasn’t all because one of his members left. it began a cycle of negative thoughts that would constantly run through his mind.

is this it?”

“are we going to be a let down?”

“have we failed?”

he felt emotionless when the company told them that they were putting them on a hiatus. ‘this is it,’ he thought. ‘this is the end.’ they weren’t told how long, so he had nothing to look forwards to. he didn’t know when they were coming back, if they were coming back. that’s when he began to grow really resentful towards the company. he blamed them, they were the reason for this mess. ‘maybe if they managed their artists better—‘ he’d say to himself. ‘maybe if they didn’t make us feel like the last thing they cared about—‘ he’d think as he lay in bed staring at his dull wall at three in the morning.

but he tries not to let it stop him. he’s hard working, he’s diligent, he’s warm-hearted, he’s loyal, he’s optimistic that imperial will come back, stronger than ever. because, although they may be a band aid for 99’s mess, sejoo was dedicated to making the most of imperial.

BIOGRAPHY

i. — “could i do it?”

seoul at night was one of sejoo’s favourite places to be. his home life wasn’t that exciting, to be honest, it was rather boring. he didn’t have the strongest bond with his mother growing up, and with his father passing away when he was eight months — you could say that his family wasn’t the strongest. he leant to mostly live by himself, rarely seeing his mother, only when he would be heading out for school and his mother would be coming home from a night shift at the hospital. just the occasional quick catch up chat, his mother never failing to remind him to take a piece of fruit with him. ‘at least she cares that much.’ he’d mutter to himself as he walked to school munching on an apple.

his school life wasn’t much to brag about either, the only thing he really could brag about was the fact that he would always be one of the top students in his music class, but even then,

was it worth bragging about if he had nobody to brag to?

“why are you always in the music room during lunch?” he could recall one of the older students ask him, and sejoo’s simple response was, “because i have no friends.”

ii. singing on the streets became a daily routine for the boy. there was just something about that freedom, the praise he got for a voice he never quite knew he had, the smiles and beams on strangers face as something simple as his voice could make their day slightly better. a talent he didn’t think he could ever get far with, had quickly became something he relied on for some sense of happiness. sure, there was the slight fear that maybe, he never truly would get anywhere with it, but he refused to believe it at that moment in time. he spent months during the evening singing for people, until he slowly relocated to hongdae, a place where he knew there would be many eyes watching.

he was thirteen and just finished performing one night when he was scouted by a tiny, no name company, and at thirteen years old, he thought it was the best thing ever. he had no knowledge on companies, or the trainee life. with nobody to tell, no parental figure that he could go to that was actually around — he was stuck. confused.

he was lucky when he woke up one school morning to the sound of the front door opening, and he could remember jumping out of of bed and running downstairs to greet his mother as she sunk into a chair in the kitchen as she waited for the kettle to boil. he could remember it clearly, how the conversation went. he could remember telling his mother about the sudden news, so excited and happy, only for his mother to turn around and tell him,

iii. — “you’re too young.”

it was safe to say that he could quite literally feel his heart drop, and the immediate rise of anger flooded through him as he whined and pleaded, yet it still didn’t change anything. so off he went to school that day, glum face, short tempered and ultimately — upset.

he spent the day sulking like a little baby, cooped up in the corners of each class during his lessons as he let his thoughts wander to what it would be like to be a trainee, to debut, be an idol. sejoo’s wasn’t one to really dwell on things for long, but this was something he really wanted to pursue. something that would be exciting in his boring excuse of a life.

it was a few days later of sejoo’s ignoring his mother that she finally urged him to sit down and listen to her, and after glaring at her for a few moments, he huffed and sat down.

that day, he went to school jumping with joy and an explosive grin on his face. after some thinking, his mother agreed to let him become a trainee, and a few days later, the contract was signed and he was officially a trainee.

iv. — “is this worth it?”

joining a new, no name company at the age of thirteen wasn’t something shoji thought he would do. neither did he think he would be training for two years, only to slowly realise that he would never debut. at least, not with this company. they had no money, nothing to their name. a few old practice rooms that were way below the ground, that weren’t in the best state — but it had mirrors. a dance floor, and the odd microphone, and that’s all he needed.

it was humorous, really. sejoo chose to become a trainee so that his life wasn’t classed as ‘boring’ anymore, yet, becoming a trainee to a no name company didn’t change much either. it wasn’t something to boast about, because nobody really cared whether you were a trainee or not unless you were with one of the big companies. though, he didn’t want to lose hope, so he pushed himself further and further, but it wasn’t like the company cared about him. he’d dread going to practice, he knew they’d just shout at him because ‘he wasn’t doing enough’, because his vocals weren’t ‘stable enough’. they’d class him as useless, the most untalented kid out of them all that would get nowhere. and sadly, part of him believed it. two years iof being fed insults, being pushed to beyond, so much that he wore himself out to the point where he considered that, maybe having a normal life would be better than this.

maybe he just wasn’t meant to debut.

v. he spent two years being treated poorly, so poorly that part of him was genuinely scared to go to practice. he didn’t want to be verbally abused, pushed to the extent where his body and vocals just couldn’t take it. but he couldn’t turn around and ask them to stop, so instead, he took it like a champ.

but was it worth it?

being treated like he was nothing, the dirt on the bottom of their shoes — did he deserve it? he thought becoming a trainee would put him on the path to becoming an idol, the path to finally being something, but instead, the boy was greeted with foul language and confidence that was battered out of him.

he was fifteen when he left his old company, and back on the streets in hongdae he was once again. with a tiny voice that was once belting and hitting amazing notes, was now scared and worried of rejection — you could hear it in his voice. it was a few weeks later when he got scouted once again, but this time, by a company he had heard of before.

should be take it?

he was afraid. worried. if he takes this offer, would he land himself back in the same position he was before? or would he actually get somewhere, and be treated better?

it was a risk, but was it one he was willing to take.

vi. sejoo did take the risk. months later, now sixteen years old and officially a trainee for 99 entertainment. he was happier, somewhat. he was being treated better to an extent, although he still pushed himself to the limit. it was a habit he couldn’t get out of after spending two years being verbally abused.

long hours, sleepless nights — all common for the sixteen year old trainee. but those long hours and sleepless nights increased with the quick rumour of the survival show.

he was one of the lucky ones, chosen and thrown into the show, ready to be picked and prodded at by the general public. ready to be put against the other competitors, ready to let the inner feelings of desire, fear, hope, pressure, excitement — to let it all out, become a different person, to show a side of him that nobody had ever seen before.

he wasn’t going to let himself be stepped all over again.

he was going to fight.

vii. he was chosen, and imperial was formed. but before he could let the fact that he was actually a step further than he was a few years ago, he was thrown into the spotlight. a rushed debut, one he couldn’t quite grasp with the tips of his fingers. but he had to fake the confidence, had to fake the feeling of content.

they weren’t even six months into their debut when they lost a member. having had just released, and then having a member willingly leave not long after, really messed with sejoo.

he was angry, frustrated, indignant, hurt, upset, even offended.

were they not good enough? were imperial that displeasing that they pushed a member away? or was it something else?

sejoo knew that the members weren’t the closet, it was difficult to be close when you were rushed of your debut and you all knew that you were only a simple band aid for another groups mess.

but it sucked for him, because deep down, he truly did want to have a bond with his members. he truly did want to have a chemistry with them, to have a family that he never had before.

but the likelihood of that was very slim. and it was even more slim when they were forced onto hiatus.

and back came the anxiety, the fear, anger, resentment. it all came back, and he was terrified.

would they ever come back?

viii. they were on hiatus for close to two years, and of course, sejoo was bored. what was there for him to do other than practice for hours on end?

if he couldn’t do anything other than practice, then maybe he could delve into something else to keep himself occupied as he waited for their hiatus to end.

and so he threw himself into the world of music production. he had a bit of money from the sales of their debut, so using some of that to pay for the equipment, he set up his own little corner and headphones on. working day and night, figuring out how certain things worked, what they were used for.

it had quickly become something he enjoyed, and due to their hiatus, they weren’t dropping content for their fans who were waiting for them so patiently. so with permission, he would occasionally drop some songs every now and then.

at least there were some of their imps around.

ix. with the announcement of their comeback, sejoo worked hard. he had missed their imps and performing, and despite only being formed as a clean up for poizn’s mess, he wanted to make something of imperial.

he didn’t want them to be seen as what they were made for, he refused to. they were worth more than that.

x. they finally had a comeback, after two years. and nothing could have wiped the massive and beaming grin off his face as he waved to their fans who stayed for them, waited. kisses, finger hearts, teary eyes, a throat that was closing up on him from the overwhelming bundle of emotions — and then he’s crouching over, sinking to the floor, hands covering his face and the tears begin flowing, harsh sobs leaving his body. filled with every emotion he had felt during their hiatus, every bit of pain and torture that he was put through, this was it. they were back.

and hopefully for a long time.

#id.bio #id.99 #id.imperial #id.jung hoseok

1 note · View note