#it's distressing to imagine a world where something like that could happen to a Good Ordinary Person

[ganymedesclock]

So I've been manufacturing a take for a while and the take is, I think that it's really tempting for people to blame themselves for things.

The video I just reblogged mostly discusses how the 'law of attraction' can be self-justifying self-defending, "I have good things because I'm a good person and my benevolence spills into the world and fetches me good things," but I think there's a whole other way that it appeals to people too.

Let's say hypothetically, I got a scary doctor's test. (pure hypothetical, I'm fine.) Or I had a friend who I hung out with for years who was extremely hurtful and suddenly I've realized this and have to get over them. (not hypothetical, this did happen to me in the past)

Ironically, sometimes, "this was all my fault!" can be me flattering myself.

The self-loathing component is obvious. I'm absolving that friend of any real wrongdoing, the PROBLEM was just that I mismanaged them. Sickness and disability isn't something that just happens to people because our bodies are extremely complicated things and stagger forwards through a pretty impressive span of time, not to mention wear and tear and genetics- no, it's because I didn't eat enough kale or do enough yoga.

But there's a sneaky reassurance twisted in there. The reassurance is this-

The upsetting thing that happened to me? Doesn't have to ever happen again.

And I think this is the big allure of the Law of Attraction. It can often pull in people who are unhappy or vulnerable just as much as it can people who don't want to feel bad about how good they have it (and quite often these categories overlap) with the seduction that you could prevent every sad thing that's ever happened in your life by doing [x].

It's the same hook that diet culture has (afraid of being treated the way society treats fat people, or afraid of the idea fatness is inherently unhealthy? Well you can control an uncontrollable factor of people's genetics by Simply Doing This One Little Trick), it's the same hook a lot of things have. Take this little bitter pill of self-loathing and blame, sugarcoated in the reassurance that YOU have the power to fix this.

And look. I'm not saying that we never have any ability to change, or culpability related to, what happens to us. Sometimes I fender bender my car because I was driving a little too fast and I have to be more careful in the future. But that's not what people pull out Law of Attraction for. It's the lottery. It's a bonus at work. It's god putting their sickness into remission for them. And those little bitter pills really, really start to add up.

In every context I've seen the law of attraction, I've seen also a concept of the divine plan, that your soul agreed to have some things happen to it for its own good. Which is a handy rationale for why this doesn't work out. What do you mean your hip is still deteriorating? You're such a good person! You prayed the right way! Well, maybe it was a Soul Plan. Your eroding cartilage is basically just a lesson to teach you... something.

But the reassurance that something isn't your fault comes with its own bitter pill. It means, sometimes, there's actually nothing you could have done to prevent it. "You aren't suffering because you're a bad person" can mean "there is nothing you can do to guarantee your current suffering will never touch you again," and it can mean, "the bad things that happened to you weren't selected lovingly for your character arc, they just happened and any good you made out of them, you made. Frida Kahlo and Vincent Van Gogh didn't struggle with agony of one form or another as some kind of seasoning for their artistic journey. Sure, if Kahlo's spinal health was better we would not have had The Broken Column the way that it was, but this does not mean her body was broken by a benevolent god because it was her job to be an artist.

That's actually an upsetting world and not one I want to live in or entertain as a hypothetical. By this rationale, if someone died suddenly in a tragic accident, they might have been chosen to die at this age because their funeral will make something else work out just right... and that's more important than any loose ends of their personhood and feelings.

We are active participants in an unstable world. Not everything that happens to us means we secretly wanted or agreed to it and it definitely doesn't reflect on our ideological worth.

#readmore #death mention #not my usual category of post #but I think this sort of thinking can underpin a Lot of reads of especially Villainous Characters #scary bad man with the red right hand? oh well #his external suffering reflects his internal depravity of soul #it's distressing to imagine a world where something like that could happen to a Good Ordinary Person #so it's more reassuring to suggest he was twisted all along and his outsides will eventually match his insides #because y'know beauty is definitely a privilege born of morality right?

[pix3lplays]

I really love your hsr men fic when they accidentally get their s/o pregnant! I'd like to request the same but instead of telling them, how about s/o ran away from them after she knows she's pregnant because she thought they never want a child?

Hi! Thank you so so much it means a lot to hear you enjoyed something I worked on! And yes I can absolutely do this request! It’s so good oh my gosh!! Part two to this!

Cw! Pregnancy

-Honkai Star Rail men with a pregnant reader who ran away-

Welt Yang: is heartbroken to receive a letter from you simply saying that you must leave him. He wants an explanation. Wants to know what he did wrong, how he hurt you, Anything and Everything that he did to chase you away. Safe to say he searches for you. He sticks with the Astral Express crew, but suddenly he’s very hands-on with every mission. He wants to go to each new world, with your picture, asking about you, about what happened to you, but he can’t find ANYTHING. It’s like you’ve vanished from the universe. Dan Heng, March 7th and Himeko also pitch in, but there’s no sign of you. The others notice how distressed he is, but he does his best to remain calm and collected, for your sake. He doesn’t want to lose himself. He can’t afford to lose himself. Then he might never find you…

Sampo Koski: Receives the news from Natasha that as soon as you found out you were pregnant, you vanished from the clinic. She tells him the truth of course, it shouldn’t be hidden from the father, and he realizes right then and there why you’d run away. Oh he feels so bad. He didn’t mean to chase you away like that. You asked him about kids once and he made his stance clear that he hated kids, didn’t want anything to do with them. And that’s why you ran, isn’t it? You were scared of what he would do and say once he found out? He doesn’t stop looking for you, but his life has to go on. He mentions you to all his clients, he has a photo of you in his wallet, and eventually time passes and now he mentions that you might have a kid with you. As scared as he is to admit it, he can’t find you anywhere, and he just has to hope you’re safe. But he doesn’t give up that one day he’ll see you again…

Jing Yuan: is terrified to wake up and find you not in bed, nowhere in the house, or in the gardens. He immediately alerts Yanqing and assembles the Cloud Knights for a search and rescue. Oh he’s scared. You’d never just…disappear like that, right? Something happened to you! You must’ve been kidnapped or something awful like that. He doesn’t give up his search for you. He leads it personally, and the search goes on for weeks until he finally has to disassemble the cloud knights for other duties. Him and Yanqing don’t give up though. They even go door to door looking for you, not giving up hope that someday they’ll be reunited with you. Eventually he HAS to return to his duties as General, but he uses up all his free time to track your last known movements and continue his search for you, not willing to just let you go like that. Not ready to give up on you, and the belief that he can find you…

Gepard Landau: like Jing Yuan, he immediately assumes the worst when he can’t find you. You’ve been hurt, attacked, kidnapped or something! He gets permission, and then assembles the Silvermane guards to find you. He puts missing person posters up around the city and the underground (oh my gosh imagine if he drew them himself I’m crying) and he’s determined to find you, offering a promotion to whoever returns you to him. He so, so badly hopes you’re safe wherever you are. He even begs Wildfire for their help in finding you. And when you don’t turn up after the first day, he genuinely begins to panic. He doesn’t know where you could be. Or even why you disappeared, and the thought that something awful happened to you scares him the most…

Luocha: Luocha at first, stays calm and collected when he wakes up that morning and can’t find you anywhere. He just assumed you’ve decided to take a nice walk or something. But you don’t return to him. Now he’s afraid. He uses his merchant contacts to ask around about you, and nothing comes up. He begins to search on his own, trying to start logically, like places you were more likely to be or maybe you’ve been to. But nothing seems to work. He can’t find you anywhere. Now he’s panicked. Why would you just…leave him like that without a word? Were you safe? Were you alright? Right as he begins to really feel the panic sink in, he receives a text from you. “I’m sorry. But I’m safe. Please don’t look for me.” Well. That’s a relief. But he’s afraid he can’t promise he won’t look for you. He tries asking you where you are but you stop answering his texts, and he’s left all alone again, trying to piece together where you might be. He’s not just going to give up on you just like that. He wants to know what he’s done wrong, and he’s determined to find you in hopes that the two of you can work this out…

Let me know if anyone wants a version where they find you, or any other requests for that matter!

#Honkai star rail #honkai star rail x reader #my writing #Welt Yang #Welt Yang x reader #hsr Welt Yang x reader #honkai star rail welt yang x reader #Sampo Koski #Sampo Koski x reader #hsr Sampo x reader #honkai star rail Sampo x reader #Jing Yuan #Jing Yuan x reader #hsr Jing Yuan x reader #honkai star rail Jing Yuan x reader #Gepard Landau #Gepard Landau x reader #Hsr Gepard Landau x reader #Honkai star rail Gepard x reader #Luocha #Luocha x reader #Hsr Luocha x reader #Honkai star rail Luocha x reader #pregnancy

[illegiblewords]

SOME ILLEGIBLE RAMBLES AND REFLECTIONS: MISSING WYLL

Jumping off my last analytical post for BG3, I actually do want to talk about Wyll a little. Wyll has been the companion I've had the trickiest time sorting thoughts out on. I do have thoughts on him, and frankly I want to invite people who are mainly Wyll fans to chime in if they have any observations that I might've missed! I don't know if this is the best way to explain it, but my perspective is if his story were a song I'd say he has the makings of a beautiful one--but there are notes missing. Notes that really, really should be there . I don't know why they aren't there, or if they've been hidden somewhere I haven't found yet.

As usual, longass discussion under the cut.

Here is my understanding of Wyll currently, without grabbing specific quotes.

Ulder Ravegard is his dad, who was a humble blacksmith who rose to nobility through some exceptional effort and personal achievement. Pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps sort of guy, takes pride in being compassionate and dealing with others in good faith. Raised Wyll not to consider himself better than anyone due to his status, but also seems to have imparted a lot of lawful good mentalities tbh. One thing that stood out a lot to me was a line Wyll said in Act III about how as a kid, he used to pretend to kill monsters in the park all the time. When he became an actual monster hunter as the Blade of Frontiers he had the disquieting realization that most monsters in reality are only people, just like him and his friends. This is interesting to me because it was NOT a lesson he got as a kid, and from how Ulder treats Wyll I don't think it's something Ulder is quite comfortable with himself. I'd go so far as to argue that, while Ulder's definition of 'good' is genuinely very good--it doesn't leave a lot of tolerance for anyone outside that. His compassion only goes so far and no farther. He's a little black-and-white in his thinking.

Side note: Wyll seems to treat being Blade of Frontiers like being a two-dimensional hero in a storybook at times. The Act III line where he admits it's all just messy people was so fucking interesting, and I wish there was more examination of the messy morality of trying to fight monsters or even understand what monsters are for him. Being good isn't easy or guaranteed and the most impressive title in the world doesn't prove you're actually a hero. Actions come before reputation.

Wyll was, according to the previous point, raised to be the embodiment of lawful good as Ulder saw it. Be selfless, don't indulge in finery or status, be noble, make sacrifices for the greater good. With that in-mind, I want to point out that for all Wyll doesn't like courtly life he loves to dance as something more aligned to that courtly lifestyle. It's one of the things he has left that continues to give him joy. It's an indulgence.

Wyll, as raised by Ulder, sacrifices his own well-being and future in his pact with Mizora to ensure no one else in Baldur's Gate came to harm. He was also bound in such a way that prevented him from explaining what happened or why. When Ulder saw his son return home with one eye, pacted to a devil, obviously in a lot of distress and struggling to explain something... Ulder's reaction wasn't to trust his son's morality or feel concern for him. Ulder decided to hurl out all history, all individual understanding of Wyll's character, and chuck Wyll out like he was a pure evil aligned monster and always had been. He just assumed Wyll was the embodiment of every selfish, depraved impulse he could imagine and a traitor to every cause he believed in. He also does not change his mind on this unless forcibly shown through the tadpole what actually transpired. He is not willing to listen or consider alternate perspectives, and I'd argue he loved his son as an abstract concept/extension of his own moral beliefs more than as his own person. (And as an aside: given how Ulder reacted to Wyll without even knowing his situation, do you think he would be ready to show compassion to someone like Astarion who has done horrific things to others under coercion?)

Note, Wyll never actually deals with previous point emotionally. He never allows himself to feel anger or grief over the way his own father treated him. He never lashes out at Ulder on his own behalf for not seeing him as a person, for not treating him as a person, for not loving him as a person or as his son. Ulder talks almost casually about having misjudged Wyll. 'Whoops my bad, I might be an asshole'. We're in a game where Astarion kills Cazador and just starts screaming and sobbing on his knees over everything that happened. Why isn't Wyll pissed off that everything he endured ALONE, the realization that his father never really saw or trusted him, was met with 'whoops'? Why isn't Ulder more horrified over what he did to Wyll? The fact that he isn't so much as in the same breath as other characters expressing anguish makes me think he still, STILL does not understand what he put Wyll through as his father. And Wyll having no reaction other than 'yay Dad likes me again :D' doesn't ring true imo. It's possible to love someone but be absolutely furious with or hurt by them. Mizora was not the only one who did Wyll dirty.

Wyll's pact with Mizora in the first place hinged on Wyll not trusting himself to keep Baldur's Gate safe from the cult of Tiamat AND Wyll not considering himself someone also worthy of protection too. Wyll is part of the tradition 'other people's suffering counts but not mine, I exist to be a shield for others'. I don't think Wyll has ever been taught he is also part of Baldur's Gate who should be kept safe. Self-sacrifice under those circumstances isn't an informed choice but like a self-destructive person offering their life up for cheap, when it isn't strictly necessary. First resort rather than last kinda deal.

Unless I've forgotten something, Wyll breaking his pact is framed not only by Mizora but the narrative as Wyll being selfish and deciding his father should die instead of keeping himself bound. The narrative itself doesn't really challenge this idea even if Wyll does successfully save Ulder unbound by his pact with Mizora. In my experience, out of all the cast members I think Wyll is the only one who is framed as possibly a worse person for opting out of the abusive relationship he's in. I really don't think he should be. Healthy selfishness (self-care, self-esteem) is not a bad thing. We have sayings about not setting ourselves on fire to keep others warm. I don't know why Wyll isn't given room to realize, discuss, and embrace this. In addition to everything else I've mentioned it kind of kills the shape of his character arc imo. Wyll starts off selfless to a fault. Having him remain selfless to a fault and continue making the same choices he did at the beginning sets him up for spiritual death as a character, which would make him staying pacted to Mizora fitting to articulate that concept in a way. He didn't 'sin' against or wrong other people to become a devil, but he absolutely 'sinned' against himself by allowing it to continue. It's total self-destruction and it's tragic. But when he breaks the cycle, in canon any degree of selfishness is still narratively condemned. He only gets "redeemed" if he saves Ulder, in the sense that he is still enforced as a selfless person/he is only so good as he is selfless. ADDITIONALLY! He's given a choice between protecting people as Archduke or protecting people as Blade of Avernus but there isn't actually a whole lot of discussion about Wyll's own happiness regardless of others. Wyll isn't given room to feel ugly emotions, anger on his own behalf, or basic self-preservation without the game itself side-eyeing him. Wyll should not have to be a "perfect" and selfless person to be a good and worthwhile person worth protecting.

Like... what bothers me, is that Wyll isn't given room to express or examine anything. He isn't allowed to feel conflicted or angry. He isn't allowed to want for himself. He isn't allowed to be furious with his father or to wonder if his anger at his father (who he still loves) fuels his desire to break his pact with Mizora or if it's just treating himself like he's worth something too. It kind of feels like the narrative itself is dehumanizing Wyll by denying him room to be selfish at all, even when he really needs to be. Even when it would give room for emotional and complex scenes that could resonate.

When I've thought about what kind of romantic partner would be most interesting for Wyll imo, what struck me was it should be someone who is selfish and actually encourages his selfishness a bit. Not in a corrupting way (even if he worries it might be at times) but someone who can encourage some balance in him and vice versa. I don't think Wyll works as a narrative tool to show how nice another character already is or be their trophy boyfriend. As a character, him being imperfect I think is intrinsically important to him feeling real. And guy really does deserve to feel real, you know?

It's been weird, since Wyll approaches some of my absolute favorite themes as a character for being a hero who needs to understand not being heroic all the time is okay/heroes need protecting too sometimes. But he doesn't really do anything with them currently as far as I'm aware. That's made it harder for me to engage with him. If his romance route touches on it more like then that's awesome. But I feel like if we could see full character arcs for other companions regardless of romance, it should be doable for Wyll too.

#final fantasy xiv screenshots #Wyll Ravengard #Blade of Frontiers #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate iii #bg3 #bgiii

[bangtansabs]

C A P T I V A T I N G

⋅˚₊‧𐙚‧₊˚

𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 1# || 𝘽𝙚𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙮𝙚𝙡

✮⋆˙⋆✮

You could imagine your Wednesday evening differently. You pictured yourself celebrating your one-year anniversary with your boyfriend at the Oddfellows club rather than experiencing a distressing emotional breakdown.

"Just bought some snacks. Wanna come over?"

That occasional message was all you needed to head straight over to Jungkook's place. Maybe it would help you clear the horrible scene from earlier off your mind. 

You settled onto the sofa after borrowing a pair of black sweatpants and an oversized shirt from him. You emitted a frustrated sigh, while he calmly sipped his beer, observing you intently. He could sense that something was wrong without a doubt.

"You good?" Jungkook inquires, once again taking a sip of his beer while you find yourself completely lost in your own thoughts. "Y/N?"

He sets his beer down on the table and moves closer to you, placing a hand gently upon your shoulder. "Hey,"

You finally emerge from your reverie, shifting your focus to Jungkook, who gazes at you with big, doe eyes. "Did you say something?"

"I asked if you're okay." He repeats, his concern evident in his tone. "You seem bothered. You barely even talked ever since you've got here."

You exhale deeply before averting your gaze from his. His heart clenches at the sight of you looking so distant and troubled. Despite you always exude confidence and boldness, it's rare for him to witness you in such a troubled and lost state. He takes another sip of his beer, trying to keep his cool as he waits for you to open up.

"I dont know, It's just.."

He leans in closer to hear your response, his eyes never leaving yours as he waits for you to continue. "You know that one party everyone's been talking about recently?"

"Yeah, I heard about it." He nods, sensing that this is where your story is going.

"I.. fuck. I caught Seungmin cheating at that party a few hours ago." You inhale sharply, clenching your eyes shut when the terrible scene starts playing in your mind all over again. You're still trying to wrap your head around everything that happened earlier. You feel like crying again, but it's just not coming out. It's your first time facing a situation like this.

You and Seungmin had a remarkable relationship that endured for nearly a year. Your bond was truly exceptional, as he provided you with all the love, happiness, and passion you could ever desire. Seungmin was the epitome of the ideal boyfriend, and each new message from him made your heart flutter. Moreover, you felt safe with him.

Although, sometimes you noticed a lack of excitement from him whenever you were together. It made you question if you were truly enough for him. Eventually, you came to accept it as part of his personality. However, today, he has proven you wrong.

Jungkook's eyes widen at the news. His gaze hardens, and he remains silent for a few seconds. "What?"

"Yeah." you mutter. A moment of silence hits the room before Jungkook breaks it.

"Is he still there?" His jaw tightens, he barely even shows a single emotion as he presses his tongue against his inner cheek.

Knowing Jungkook and his fiercely protective nature, he would undoubtedly destroy someone to defend those he deeply cares for. Over the years, you have come to realize this as he has rescued you from multiple different situations.

You quickly shift your gaze back to his, surprised as your mouth agapes a little. "Kook, don't make me regret telling you about it."

"I'm just asking." He says, his voice low and controlled.

"You won't touch him, alright?" You lean forward as he ignores you. Jungkook delicately glides his tongue over his lower lip piercing, seemingly engrossed in his own world. "Kook."

"I won't." He tells you through gritted teeth. Jungkook and Seungmin always seemed to have a strained relationship. Whenever they were in each other's company, there was an undeniable sense of discomfort in the air, even if they didn't openly display it.

"Thank you." You say softly before grabbing the remote to play a movie.

Jungkook nods, shifting his attention back to you as you bite on your bottom lip, trying to find a nice movie for the both of you to watch.

You're in denial, unsure about how to react or what emotions to experience. You tend to conceal your emotions when you're in the presence of others, as if you're worried they might perceive you as weak and vulnerable. However, Jungkook is familiar enough with you to recognize your current state. You do look weak in that state, something he doesn't get to witness very often.

After we collided is the movie currently playing on the TV screen. The room is silent, only the movie's background sound can be heard. Jungkook adjusts his position on the sofa, while you sit quietly beside him, wrapped in a blanket and barely focusing on the movie. You seem lost in your own thoughts, overanalyzing the person you once believed was your beloved. Jungkook can't help but feel concerned by your broken state.

It pains him to witness you in such a state of confusion and disarray. He draws you nearer, gesturing for you to rest your head on his lap, and you do.

Tears well up in your eyes as he gently strokes your head. "I loved him," You sob, and he can sense his heart cracking just from hearing your shaky voice.

"I know." Jungkook says softly as he keeps stroking your head. He listens to your sobs, allowing you to release all of your frustrations. The thought of your ex-boyfriend treating you this way fills him with anger, and he tries to push aside thoughts of what he would do if he were face-to-face with him right now.

Time passes by, and you eventually fall asleep on Jungkook's lap. Not wanting you to wake up uncomfortable on the couch, he carefully rises to his feet, taking care not to disturb your sleep. He scoops you up in his arms, holding you in a bridal style embrace and carries you to his bedroom. He lays you down gently on the soft bed, making sure you're still sound asleep before quietly stepping out of the room.

"Fuck.." he mutters, collapsing on his sofa and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Just as the silence envelops the room, a phone call shatters the tranquility. Jungkook curses under his breath, hoping the sound didn't wake you up as he quickly retrieves his phone from his pocket, only to see Jimin's name flashing on the screen. He swiftly answers the call, pressing the phone to his ear.

"Finally! Oh my god!" Jimin shouts in relief on the other end.

"Jimin-ah, it's almost two in the morning." Jungkook whispers, ready to digest Jimin's words, as usual.

"I'm sorry, man, but seriously, I need your help." Jimin's voice echoes through the phone. There's a bustling noise of a crowd in the background.

"Did you seriously go partying with Taehyung again?״

"He dragged me with him. It wasn't my idea, trust me." he quickly defends himself. "Anyway, Taehyung refuses to take a cab and insisted on calling you instead."

Jungkook ponders your current state and suddenly a memory flashes in his mind. "Are you guys at the Oddfellows club?"

"Yeah, the party Kazuha's been arranging."

"I'm on my way. Wait outside." Jungkook quickly says before he gets up from his lazy position.

"Thank you! You're a life saver, seriously!" Jimin shrieks in relief over the phone, causing Jungkook to chuckle and roll his eyes before ending the call.

He swiftly slips his phone back into his pocket and makes his way to the front door, making sure not to make any noise that could disturb your sleep. Putting on his coat in a hurry, he opens the door and steps out of his apartment, careful to maintain a quiet demeanor throughout the process.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

"Taehyung-ah, I swear to god, when you get sober I'll make sure to beat the shit out of you!" Jungkook is immediately greeted with Jimin's threats directed at Taehyung, who seems to be causing some trouble as he gets out of his car.

Jimin's gaze meets Jungkook, and he looks at him with a sense of relief almost as if Jungkook is a fallen angel.

"Jungkook! Thank god!" Jimin says as he tries to steady Taehyung, who insists on lying on the floor like a lost child instead of standing up normally.

"He's a demon! I can't take this anymore!" Jimin complains, gesturing towards Taehyung who is lying on the ground, laughing to himself as if he just heard the funniest joke on earth. Jungkook can't help but chuckle at the sight, tapping Jimin's shoulder and motioning for him to move aside.

"Tae, get up. You have to go home." Jungkook tells Taehyung who is clearly drunk and gives him a stern look. However, Taehyung scowls and remains on the ground, still refusing to stand up.

Jungkook lets out a sigh, gracefully lowering himself to one knee before firmly grasping Taehyung's arm and rising him to his feet as he keeps whining like a four year old.

After much effort in leading Taehyung towards Jungkook's car, with him randomly collapsing on the floor every two seconds, Jimin and Jungkook finally manage to place him in the back seat.

"If you throw up in my car, I'll kill you." Jungkook threatens him with a sarcastic smile before shutting the door and turning his attention back to Jimin.

"Get in the car, I need to take care of something." Jungkook gives him a commanding gaze, issuing the instruction with a stern expression on his face.

"Okay." Jimin furrows his brow at him, but refrains from further inquiry as he hops into the car.

Jungkook turns around and proceeds towards the club. As he enters, the scent of alcohol and weed permeates his senses, while the lively party continues unabated. He pushes through the crowd, scanning the faces and searching intently for a particular person.

He's searching for Seungmin.

#bts fanfic #jungkook x reader #jungkook #jeon jungkook #biker boy #first chapter #fanfic #break up #best friends to lovers

[gynandromorph]

You’ve mentioned before that drake would be a far better god than jessie and would deal better with absolute power than most of your other characters, I find this incredibly interesting and I wondered if you could explain why a bit more?

yeah, sure. it's probably going to be a bit incomprehensible because it's 3 am right now (it is no longer 3 am but half of it was written at 3 am and i'm still stupid). drake's ocpd has compelled xem to feel obsessively invested in moral righteousness and to want an extreme amount of control over xyr environment. it's given xem a lot of incentive to think about what they would do differently, how they would make reality better, etc.

so, the main way that drake would be better than jessie as a god is because drake would care more about being a genuinely good god. xe is also not as impulsive or emotional as jessie; xe deliberates at length even for small interactions, and, while this can be debilitating in day-to-day life, if you were an omnipotent being totally exempt from the laws of time, this would not really be an issue. this quality also makes xem more capable of accurate insight and self-judgement.

i talked about shiloh and how as a god she would probably be a nightmarish sadist -- one might see her personality as similar to drake's because she's also more mellow and pattern-oriented. the difference between shiloh and drake (as well as jessie and drake) is that what drake finds gratifying is just worlds apart. drugs, sex, violence and power are things a lot of people find gratifying, but drake is someone who finds like... organizing books by size and color on the shelf gratifying. moving at a slower pace in general, unpredictable explosive experiences that feel exciting and interesting to the two lesbians feel overwhelming and unpleasant to xem. the avoidance of possible distress from possible mistakes is often a source of the gratification, so a lack of novelty wouldn't hit xem as hard, i think. basically being an ethical being WOULD BE what drake finds gratifying as a god because it's what xe finds gratifying already, which is a huge advantage. the fact that xyr desire for control is projected onto xyr environment is just a bonus -- since xe interprets the problems as coming from outside the house, xe's less likely to focus on inner desires for decision-making.

something drake has had to ponder more than many of my other characters is the fact that no one ever asks to be born, and most aren't entirely happy with what they're born with. i think it occurs to most people at some point that no one asks to be born, but drake has spent cumulative years ruminating on this. i find xyr take on godhood and how i conceptualize it interesting based on that even on its own, because drake wants a world where every single thing chooses to be born with an adequate amount of information to make the choice.

i've spent here or there thinking about how xe would try to go about doing this, and so far it's involved some kind of AI-like network which would approximate the entire lifespan of an individual without possessing a consciousness or emotional world of its own, then relay that in a chemical format. if the projected life is suitable for this hypothetical person and they'd most likely consent to living the life, the chemical info enters a matching receptor on a zygote and it progresses. this would happen several if not thousands of times during the process of producing a conscious being, i think. this is believable enough to me w/how much info dna itself can hold, and that wasn't designed with any intelligence. that's the best way i've come up with the chicken and the egg dilemma wrt conscious choice to be born thus far. the other component i've thought about is probably making life able to move about 4-dimensionally, essentially giving conscious beings the ability to time travel as a regular form of locomotion. i gotta imagine this isn't too big a deal when you can alter the laws of physics to your liking. i know that drake would also get rid of (nonconsensual) death not just by canceling it now, but reviving every single conscious creature that has ever died. oh, earth wouldn't support infinitely multiplying life? god can fix that. death is the only thing that makes life meaningful? no it doesn't. not in drake's world. meaning is a sensation in our heads subject to alterations, just like every emotion. some things might not want to live forever? some things might want to feel sadness, pain, anger, and suffering? well, it'd be immoral for drake to decide how they should feel by getting rid of these unpleasant emotions, so xe will give them the choice to die if they want to, and the choice to undie, probably handled by the same network that estimates if they want to be born - the choice to feel sad or opt out, the choice to feel pain or opt out, etc. to drake, this would not only resolve the "suffering gives life meaning" argument, but would also functionally prevent any given subject from forcing another subject to feel anything it doesn't want to. drake would yield a lot of power to xyr subjects, because the power differential between a god and its sims in a sandbox is inherently going to be an abuse of that power in exchanges. you could argue that xe would do well with absolute power because xe would make xyr power... Not absolute relatively quickly after some things were stabilized. given the idea that maybe they could not choose anything at all, like how a fictional character can't choose anything, i think that xe would resort to breaking up xyr infinite amount of choice into tiny pieces compartmentalized away from xem, like someone dissociating but intentionally, and putting that into the subjects instead. this would be an odd limitation, though, and would preclude omnipotence. i just think the decisions xe would make based on xyr sense of ethics would be neat because of how unyielding those moral "rules" are and other elements of xyr personality.

#GREAT question insane answer thank you

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I am continuing to run out of John + Elis Radio X episodes at a mildly distressing rate, I'm into August 2018 now and they run until March 2019. Yes there are several hundred BBC episodes after that, but they'll be different, and I've got used to these ones. The Radio X episodes are escapist, from when the world was easier. The BBC episodes are going to run through 2020 and I just can't listen to those initial months where they'll say everyone should wash their hands and make jokes about the Imagine video.

Luckily, the side project of following all John Robins' other things alongside the radio chronology will extend this a bit. Their book came out in October 2018, though I think it was written by August, so I could listen to that audiobook pretty much any time now and call it in line with where I'm at in the radio show. I'll get on that soon.

Also, I've reached the radio episodes in which John Robins is telling us about filming his digital television internet-based quiz show. Specifically, he's telling us about the production company hiring someone to buy him new clothes, because he's not allowed to wear Queen-branded or brewery-branded t-shirts while presenting a show on Dave. I was looking forward to this radio show letting me know what happens to a comedian the year after they win the Perrier Award (I'm aware that it wasn't actually called that when he won it in 2017, but I cannot be bothered to look up what it was called in any given year), and now I know. Apparently it's extending a tour to the point where you develop different medical ailments every week from the stress of traveling and at one point turn up to a radio show an hour late because you forgot you were recording, and they give you a digital television internet-based quiz show for which they buy you new clothes that do not advertise breweries or rock bands. It sounds very glamorous.

I've referred to it as a comedy panel show before, because for some reason I thought it had comedians as guests. I've just looked it up and learned it actually features members of the public, like a regular quiz show. And that sounds quite bad. I didn't have terribly high expectations anyway, but this has lowered them. Sunil Patel's all right, though. I mean, I think he's all right as a comedian. Don't know what he's like on this TV show, haven't watched it yet.

But I've got it downloaded and I think I'll get into it this weekend, as I've reached that point in the chronology. I looked up the Chortle review, and its opening paragraph is exactly what I imagined this show would be, based on the synopsis:

This next bit of condemnation comes off as significantly harsher, just because it could function fairly accurately as a description of John Robins' broadcasting/comedy style as a whole, and not just being about this one quiz show that I assume John Robins does not hold up as his greatest artistic achievement:

Sick burn and everything, Steve, and you do have a point that John Robins' habit of going into a vaguely Partridge-inspired voice can sometimes blur the line between parody that works and just actually doing a thing that doesn't work. However, that is some harsh criticism coming from someone who doesn't know how to put a period at the end of a sentence. Maybe learn to use punctuation first, Steve, and then you can talk shit about digital DJs who watched too much Alan Partridge when they were growing up, and possibly base just a touch too much of their persona on ironically imitating that.

Actually, that sounds all right. I enjoy watching John Robins at once try to embrace and stay at arm's length from things. Maybe it won't be so bad.

I think I will start watching this show this weekend, I'll let you all know if it's terrible. Or, tell you what, I'll let you all know if it's good. I don't need to report on it every time I expect something to be bad, but watch it anyway due to my brain's relentless drive toward completism, and it meets my expectations. If it surprises me, I'll definitely let you all know.

[darkbloodsly]

My baby (Azriel X OC)

Summary: Olivia is distressed about not being able to have a child even after years with Azriel.

A/N: This is my first one-shot so let me know your opinion on the development. English is not my first language so sorry for any spelling mistakes.

A little one-shot to start writing here on tumblr ♡

Warnings: Mentions of insecurities as a wife, Alcoholism, angst and a little fluff at the end.

Words: 820

･*･ ｡ . ⡀｡⠐* ･ ｡ ⡀･ *･ ｡ . ⡀｡⠐* ･ ｡ ⡀･ *

━──────≪✷≫──────━

It was no surprise to Olivia that her mate Azriel would be a protective hen with his nephew Nyx, so as soon as the child was born, Azriel assigned some shadows to look after little Nyx's safety.

But after Rhysand and Feyre had a child, Olivia's mind was filled with anguish and anxiety as she felt incapable of bearing a child. After all, she and Azriel had been mated for nearly three hundred years.

This thought returned to haunt her mind when Olivia saw Azriel flying away with Nyx on his lap.

Maybe I'll never be able to give a child to my own mate. — She thought.

That thought made Olivia want to go home and stay in her bed for the rest of the day. And that's what she did, she asked Cassian to drive her home with the excuse that she needed to sort out something about Hewn City.

And well, she spent the rest of the day drinking while drowning her thoughts in a bottle of wine.

Olivia put a hand on her belly, feeling nothing there. Maybe she wanted to have a baby and even though she and Azriel had never taken the preventative tonic, they had never had the slightest doubt that they were pregnant.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a familiar smell in the house where she lived with her mate.

It was Azriel. Her male was finally home.

He arrived like a cat looking for a cuddle, snuggled into Olivia's lap and took a deep breath. He lifted his head when he smelled the alcohol on the woman's body.

— Why were you drinking, love? Did something happen? Cassian told me you had to leave.

The Ilyrian male's confused and worried look almost made the female cry.

— You think I'm a bad mate, don't you? Three hundred years together and not even a baby, I'm failing as your wife?

Olivia collapsed in a mess of tears and drunken sobs, Azriel felt his heart squeeze. He could only imagine that she felt this way, especially since they had never touched on the subject of babies. It was almost forbidden between them, since they both had their family traumas.

Azriel was a bastard who murdered his siblings, and Olivia was used as a bargaining chip by her parents, given to some lord as payment for a debt her parents owed. Olivia killed them when she managed to escape the lord's clutches.

They had no example of how to be good parents, and that terrified them.

— Darling, you'd be the best mother ever. Why the question now? You've never failed as a wife, by the gods.

Olivia sighed.

— Maybe I'm feeling guilty that we don't have a child yet, I'm sorry…

She tried to get up from the bed but ended up unbalanced by the alcohol in her body, Azriel held her waist before she could fall.

—Whether we have a child or not, I'm already the luckiest man in the world to have you by my side.

Azriel fiddled with the curls that fell across the female's face, he loved the way her hair was full and big. Her curly hair was one of his favorite things.

—If you want a baby anyway, we can adopt a child. I bet there are lots out there who want to be adopted.

Olivia agreed, putting her head in the crook of the ilyrian male's neck.

—I love you, you're the best thing that's happened in my life, Az…

The male squeezed her against him.

—I love you more than my own existence…

For a moment, Azriel withdrew from the room and closed the door. Olivia then felt the full effects of the alcohol on her body, causing her to close her eyes and snuggle against a pillow. Completely forgetting about her previous problem.

But then her body was lifted and Olivia screamed, Azriel had picked her up and was carrying her to the bathroom

The female began to whimper and beg not to be thrown into the cold water, but the cruel Spymaster paid no attention.

— Before you go to sleep, you need to take a shower to get rid of that drunken look on your face, kitten. And there's no point in complaining.

The last thing Azriel heard was a string of swear words after he had thrown his wife into the icy waters of the bathtub.

— You don't think you'll get away from me, spy master.

Aziel didn't expect Olivia to grab his blouse and pull him into the water. She laughed when she realized that the male had gotten wet.

It wasn't long before Az was hugging the female, he didn't mind getting wet. The only thing he wanted was for Olivia to feel good, even if he had to let her pull him into the water, even though he knew he could easily prevent it from happening.

#acotar #azriel #rhysand #cassian #fanfiction #fanfic #angst #fluff #nesta archeron #feyre archeron

[theamityelf]

righting with Korekiyo and Angie

[ righting ] - sender does something to ‘right’ receiver; straightens their tie, sweeps their hair back into place, fixes a curl back into place, etc 

...

Okay, so this is weirdly melancholy, but it's where the prompt took my mind for some reason. Maybe I can try it again with a lighter tone later. At least I succeeded in keeping this one shorter than the Buma one!

...

Angie was humming.

Korekiyo could not imagine how. Just thinking of what had happened mere minutes ago, the maelstrom of insects which had assailed them all, sent tremors of disgust through him. And yet Angie appeared perfectly at ease. Humming on the way to her room.

He followed her through the halls.

She appeared perfectly at ease with that, too.

This aura of ease was not exactly infectious, but it provided a new color to the atmosphere which made it easier not to focus on the overstimulating nightmare which had just transpired.

Focusing on other people was very calming. People were so beautiful.

He listened to Angie's footsteps, her breathing, her humming. It was enough to listen. Better to listen right now than to talk, but they were nearing the dorms now and would soon have reason to separate, so he quietly cleared his throat.

"You didn't seem to mind the insects," he remarked.

"Angie is used to lots of bugs," she answered simply, turning (almost twirling) to face him, and seamlessly switching from walking forward to walking backwards. "At least most of them didn't bite. I'm sure my blood would make a tasty meal for the creepy crawlies, but there are way better uses for it!"

"Such as religious sacrifices, am I correct?"

"Kiyo is super smart. Sacrifices are one of the best, most sacred uses for blood! But we also shouldn't ignore the blood that stays in the body to keep us alive. That's an important gift, too." She nodded her head sagely.

With the movement, a dot of red on one of her ponytails that Korekiyo had subconsciously mistaken for a splatter of paint (as Angie often had small amounts of paint dried in her hair and speckled on her clothes and face) crawled up toward her bangs. A ladybug. There was a ladybug in her hair.

He had thought that all of the bugs were back in their cages. Were they on him, too?!

Somehow, they both stopped walking at the same time. Perhaps Angie sensed his distress enough to anticipate his pause. She was very in-tune with others' emotions. "Kiyo?" she queried.

He took a deep breath and removed the ladybug from her hair with one wrapped finger. He was relieved when it remained stationary on him and did not start crawling around.

"Oh," Angie said, smiling at the small insect as though it were something endearing, like a flower petal.

"They are considered good luck in many parts of the world," he said, drawing comfort from thoughts of cultural practices and beliefs. "Most likely because of their beneficial role in farming. But then, many insects are considered good luck in some parts of the world. For example, butterflies and spiders have been considered good luck in many regions. Superstitions, and their sources, can be truly fascinating."

"Your studies are so cool! It's like Kiyo has the whole world in his heart."

He was blushing under his mask, but also he really wanted this bug off of him.

She seemed to intuit this, too, for she collected it from his finger with her own and blew it into the air with puckered lips. The insect took wing and landed on a nearby wall. "Make a wish!"

"My only wish was just granted."

She giggled and resumed walking, slowly. Allowing space beside her for Korekiyo.

"At home, Angie liked to learn about other places," she said, the slightest tinge of wistfulness dampening her cheer. "Now, it feels like it would be nice to be home. But that's Monokuma's nasty temptation, you know. Our new home can be a paradise, too. If we do our best."

Her smile did not wobble, as she applied her platitudes like a layer of paint over her clear homesickness. Korekiyo wondered if she smiled as soon as she woke up in the morning, or just when she walked out of her room. He wondered if she smiled in her sleep.

"You believe Monokuma will allow that?"

"I believe Monokuma is smaller than God. And God wants us to be happy here."

"The circumstances seem to suggest that God wants us to die here. But you believe differently. Are you of the belief that this is some manner of test?"

She took a moment to ponder his question and then thoughtfully said, "God's too sleepy to answer questions right now. But I'll give Him your message in the morning. Right now, I want to hear more superstitions about ladybugs! Angie loves stories."

He continued to rattle off things he knew about beetles and their significance to different cultures. The information became less relevant to ladybugs specifically, but Angie still appeared fascinated.

But shortly, they reached the dorms, and the rambling had to draw to a close. Angie seemed about to reach for her bedroom door, but then instead she reached toward Korekiyo and gently collected something from his shoulder: another ladybug.

"She followed us," she said with a smile. "Maybe that means we'll have super good luck."

"Only if we're concerned that aphids will set upon our crops."

Angie yawned. "Goodnight, Kiyo," she said. "Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite!"

The aura of misguided positivity dwindled steeply as soon as the door was closed behind her. Korekiyo stood there for a moment, taking in how cold and silent everything was. He could see the light seeping out from under Angie's door, and the shadows that moved with her, proving that she was alive in there.

Her beliefs did not seem to give her much leeway for human things, like grief and fear. Those feelings would have to go somewhere. He wondered if she would murder. Skimming his fingertips idly over her door, he considered the possibility. He believed...not. He believed that if and when Angie did snap, she would take the path of least resistance, as far as her own moral inhibitions. Murder would be too difficult a path to justify. But he wasn't a psychologist.

A ladybug crawled along the door, a few centimeters above his hand.

Slowly, he returned to his room.

And hastily, he tore off his clothes and showered, searching for any remaining bugs.

#danganronpa #angie yonaga #korekiyo shinguji #shinnaga #my fanfiction #my fanfic

[chipsncookies]

Twin Stars Far Apart Commentary

Due to image limit this is mostly text

To summarise, this event is good, but felt too short and didn't focus enough on the twins, which is sad since they're supposedly the main stars of this event, it felt like Archie's story instead (i like it but i gotta be fair) the problem also got resolved too quickly, making the story fall a bit flat.

I'd prefer if they let us stew in the conflict a bit. Maybe make them explore other options before turning to jirachi to make the situation more dire. After all, twins being separated into different worlds should hold as much gravitas as Lusamine losing her husband or submas being separated (the freaking. Similarity to submas is so obvious, but liza and tate had it much easier 🥲). Maybe also explore Tate and Liza's personalities, let them do/speak and think more or have them learn things throughout the story, or make them more distressed as time goes on, they would be more compelling. After all, they are the characters dena is selling 😅

Also kinda sad that Nanu did not comment on the girls coming back? He should've been welcoming anabel and liza, iirc he lost a coworker once, i feel he should have a stronger reaction towards anabel being spirited away and making it back home.

But as i said, I am biased and this event is very catered to me so here are some highlights of things i like (warning: mostly archie)

Let's start from beginning:

Archie has shown time and again he's gentle with kids so fatherly 🥰 , he asked the twins to keep jirachi a secret.. he explained to them so they understand its importance, he respects their intelligence.

I feel his message got through easily because they're kids, they don't have lofty ambitions like some adults (imagine if gio/others found out about jirachi). As a villain himself he knew what some people would do to achieve their selfish goals. Yet he still has hope and appreciates truly kind-hearted people.

After that Nanu and Anabel appeared and explained they have to guard the twins. Apparently the area becomes more dangerous because ultra wormholes keep appearing recently? I wonder if this is just something that happened for this event or there's something that caused this 🤔 my brain really suspects there's a connection with how Adaman and Irida got sent to Pasio through space time rift... But that and ultra wormhole are different things. Side note I'm glad they explained why Looker isn't available, it's not necessary (imo) but it gives more context about the status of the interpol.

After that, of course the worst thing happened. Liza and Anabel are sucked into the wormhole, leaving their pkmns behind. I would've liked if they showed more signs of distress rather than just standing there 😅 Archie found out, and again i like how he used his knowledge as a villain to think of why the girls could've gone missing. It's also so sweet to see him reassure Tate, and promising to help him 🥹🫶 I think Archie could've been offering help earlier before Nanu suggested the ask for Lusamine's help, it could help integrate him more into the story imo.

After that Nanu correctly guessed they might have been sucked into a wormhole, and they asked Lusamine for help. Sure enough, she confirmed it. Her description about them going missing so suddenly, and without their pokemon too, really reminds me of Ingo 😭 I feel this also pains Lusamine to tell them, because she lost her husband to the wormhole too before...

Luckily for Liza and Tate, they were transported into Pasio, still the same place although a different one unlike some poor sod who got yeeted hundreds of years back miles away from his home Apparently in this world there are no people in Pasio, only ultra beasts. This matter is not elaborated because they were attacked by some UB, but saved by a kind Celesteela. I can't help but wonder more about this universe, where are the people? Did they fail to contain UB outbreak? What happened to the Lear of this world?

Anabel makes a great observation that the UBs are the same as them, they're taken away from their homes. I love this moment of sympathy.

And then we turn back to Archie and Tate. Archie helpfully explained how to awaken Jirachi (Tate needs to sing and make a wish). Despite wanting to protect Jirachi he let Tate take his chance because he genuinely cares!

Just. Look at this scene, Archie is so supportive of Tate I can't y'all 😭😭💖💖🫶🫶 the way archie looks at tate so gently 🥺🥺 and how he's so excited when jirachi wakes up, and nudges Tate to make a wish!! he's so sweet, he's like a dad to Tate, I love him so much 😭💖

Ok and so Tate sang and Jirachi woke up! And he made his wish. And then they get reunited. Now this part is a bit funny because Jirachi apparently didn't do anything?? 🤣 Because earlier Anabel remarked that the UBs must have come from somewhere, ie a wormhole, and Liza heard Tate singing, so the wormhole must've existed before Jirachi even woke up. So convenient that it's located nearby 😂 afterwards it decided to make Tate its partner, solely because of his pure heart i guess? He managed to awaken it after all

Anyway, the twins are reunited!! And they got new friends ^^

I was so surprised when i saw this scene I didn't think they'd bring Matt too, I'm so glad they did 🥹💖💖 festival n and steven also appeared! It's a lively scene!

This is such a good shot Archie is so happy for the kids 🥹

THE REAL SHOCKER THOUGH IS THIS SCNEE

I was not expecting Shelly to appear, much less having interaction with Archie, at this point I'm pretty sure the writers read my mind because i love Archie and Shelly so much!! 😭😭💖💖 I've always loved their relationship, they're childhood friends united by the same goal, they understand each other so well 😭😭

The way they know what each other is thinking 😭😭 that's the proof of their bond!! After all this time they're still best friends, they know what each other is thinking 😭😭💖💖 It's so sweet and awe inspiring to me!!!

This is the highlight of the event for me, Archie really has come a long way from his villainy, he acknowledged the importance of people and pokemon, and wants to see the future generation live happily... it reminds me of this line from Alpa Sapphire's Delta episode:

I can't help but notice that this event is like a really condensed parallels to AS Archie's experience (i treat game archie and pokemas archie as different people), both initially motivated by meeting Jirachi, and then him having doubts on humanity, but things happened that led to a kid changing his mind. The difference is Pokemas Archie has the luck to see Jirachi again (although different than his friend) meet truly kind-hearted people (Tate), resulting in his change of heart, while in ORAS he never met Jirachi again, it was just a memory, and his change of heart happened because he made mistakes (which are. Much bigger than what Pokemas Archie has done).

From a meta perspective, I love that Archie's obscure/forgotten Jirachi lore from 2014 is picked up in Pokemas, crafting a story that led to Pokemas archie turning over a new leaf, similar to his game counterpart. Considering neither AS nor Pokemas Archie could ever meet their jirachi again (because it likely went to sleep for another 900ish years), Pokemas is logically the only place where this little story can be touched again, and I'm SO happy for it. Jirachi is the motivation for Archie in the beginning, and it continues being that in this event, but with new, deeper understanding and optimism, with hopes for the future of humans alongside pokemon 💖✨

Im sorry for writing this long Like oh my God you guys i love Archie so much!!!! 😭😭😭💖💖💖💖 I love this event so much !!! I'm so happy!!

#pokemon #pokemas #aqua leader archie #twin stars far apart #tate and liza #chipsays #like i always wanted archie to have jirachi but im willing to let it slide this time because i like the story

[sagejin]

FOREVER FOLLOW

Masterlist

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," the guilt was eating him alive. What was he supposed to do? He hasn't gone to work for a few days, hoping to avoid Kira.

You stood in front of him, your soft hands cupping his cheeks, worry in your eyes.

How could he look at you.

How could you look at him.

"Satoru," you caressed his face, "If somethings bothering you you can tell me, I'll be here for you."

If only you knew.

You wouldn't want him.

Who would want him.

Because if you did, you wouldn't be loving, caring for him like this, you'd be disgusted, disappointed.

"It's okay," his face buried in your chest as he cried, "I'm here."

What if he hid it.

What if he just didn't tell you.

It would break you, he doesn't want that, he doesn't want to see you look at him with that look in your eyes.

He doesn't want to see your world crumble infront of him.

"I love you."

He cried harder.

2 lines.

Another one.

2 lines.

A trip to the doctor

"Congratulations"

Congrats? Is that what this is? "Ms. Mizuki?"

What was she supposed to do?

"Uh– yes?"

"Mr. Gojo is in his office today, he wants to see you."

That's it!

Her chance.

It was an opening, she could have him. She could be with him. She's carrying his child, he'll want her, no, he'll need her.

"Mr. Gojo, your sched—"

"As of today you are no longer needed Ms. Mizuki."

He needs her.

She walks towards his desk, her steps echoing in her head.

She leans over, "You need me."

The horror and utter dissapointment he felt in himself.

"I'm pregnant."

"What—"

"You need me. Imagine what I could do, what we could do. We could be happy." She brought his hand up to her lips, kissing each knuckle. He could only stare in horror, thoughts of you in his mind.

It wasn't supposed to be like this

Guilt riddles him as he lays on your lap, thriving off your presence. You bring him so much joy and happiness, ignorant to his infidelity, smiling at him.

Where would he be without you?

Your hands lost in his white locks message his scalp, humming a soft tune. "You seem distressed love," he couldn't hide anything from you, "would you like to talk about it?"

He couldn't feel like this anymore, he doesn't want to hurt you.

You deserve better

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I love you so much it hurts."

Tears slipped from his eyes

"I'm sorry Y/n, I'm so sorry."

He sat up and you pulled him into your warm, secure embrace, comforting him.

He doesn't deserve you.

"So he just started crying and wouldn't tell you why?" You sat at a Cafe with your good friend Nanami. You've known Nanami since highschool, graduating together, and even going to the same college.

If you had to be honest, before you met Gojo you had a huge, gigantic, practically obvious, crush on him. Since your last year of highschool you'd been staring at him all googly eyed. It wasn't till you started college that you realized how you felt, but with how obvious you were being and Nanami not catching on, you came to the conclusion that your feelings were unrequited and gave up.

So when you met Gojo at a party during your 3rd year of college, everything about him intrigued you. From his dashing white hair, to his crystaled blue eyes, you were smitten.

"What happened after," Nanami took a sip of his cofee, "did he tell you this morning?"

"Nope," you took a bite out of your donut, "he acted like nothing happened, kissed me goodbye, and left for work. He didn't even give me a chance to say anything!" Gojo's actions this morning irritated you.

But just as you were irritated, you were worried, what did he do to make him apologize to you like that? To cry so much?

That's why you decided to hang out with Nanami today, also because you missed the company, but you wouldn't tell him that. Nanami gave good advice and company, which was something you definitely needed right now, something Satoru couldn't give sometimes.

The two of you left the Cafe, happier than when you entered it, "What should we do now?" Nanami looked at you confused, "Go home, what else?" You just stared at him, was he crazy? This is the first time you've seen him in a long time and your having so much fun.

You poked his arm, "We're having so much fun, why stop now!" You giggled, grabbing his hand and pulling him to God knows where.

The man could swear he was falling for you all over again.

Even if it was wrong because your already in a relationship, Nanami can't help but think about how he always wanted to be with you like this. How only you could make him feel this way. He hated when Gojo took you away, especially how you ran after him, leaving him behind.

He wanted to walk with you, side by side, not staring at your back while you giggle with that man. He wanted you so bad, he needed you to be his. He knew you liked him but he was scared, scared of what you would think once you really knew him. He thought about it for so long that when he was ready, you'd already let go.

So when he saw you happy with Gojo,

He let go.

But being with you like this today has his heart beating like crazy, and butterflies dancing in his stomach. Before he could stop those feeling from arising again, here you are, wrapping your warm hand around his, pulling him along.

And he'd forever follow.

<-previous next->

Masterlist

Tag list:

@shaylove418 @reapersimps @callmefainotfry @brumous11

#angst #getou #gojo angst #jjk itadori #gojo x reader #maki #jujutsu kaisen #nobara #megumi #gojou x you #nanami #kento #kento nanami #nanami x y/n #nanami x you #nanami angst #cheating #gojou #satoru gojou

[eldritch-spouse]

You said that before Admin, Ludwig has contained Krulu after his escape, and then Admin appeared and became vessel, but how human ended up meeting Ludwig. The only one we know is close friend with Ludwig and has close access to humans is Fasma.

He was the one who made us Krulu’s Admin, wasn’t he, or i’m just watching too many MatPat theories?

[No anon, you're paying attention, which warms my heart really.]

How Admin meets Krulu + Ludwig

Ludwig and Admin actually met in rather simple ways. Your life was still normal back then, you were just a human going about your daily life, the thought of ancient gods didn't cross your mind and you didn't see very many monsters where you lived. You met the wrath demon through online means, simple chatting with someone who happened to be in the same community group as you. You both played the same games, he was exceptionally good at them, so you wanted to be on his teams naturally.

A friendships unfolds as the two of you find you have similar tastes in humor and are actually a little lonely. This was a bond that was slowly, carefully, inching its way into a relationship over the handful of times you two physically met up.

Until shit hits the fan that is. :)

Let me explain something in brief terms here- Ludwig has two siblings, Mervin (Merv) and Obadiah (Obie), each one of them always appears to have their eyes closed. This is because his particular lineage of monster has strong powers connected to the eyes (which is common in demon monsters, if you recall Santi's abilities). As the middle child, he actually didn't get the shit end of the stick for once. Whenever he opens even just one of his eyes, Ludwig gets to both immobilize the people he's staring at and see these very wavy, distorted rifts in the fabric of reality. Tangible entities that only he, his siblings and some other handful of monsters can both perceive and use to travel at high speeds between different locations. He's got a small map with certain rifts pinned down across the world for personal use.

Well, it just so happens that our oblivious demon boy finds one particular rift tucked away in a nook, that allows him to access the nothingness in which Krulu and other entities are trapped. It was a mistake, more than likely. This "dimension" of sorts should be inaccessible to all except Siadar. Imagine his initial distress, and growing curiosity, as Ludwig finds himself being able to traverse in and out of this dark limbo. He makes the mistake of assuming it is barren, since nothing approaches him while he's there and all that's ever heard are noises too ambiguous to tell if someone's actively there or not. The nothingness is populated, it's just that the creatures there have learned to be silent and subtle, so as to not alert the famished god that traverses its dirty ground restlessly. Ludwig not only makes the mistake of letting out noises but also carrying a light source with him, however insignificant it may be in the face of such thick darkness. Furthermore, he returns to it regularly, intent on discovering why it exists.

Krulu, at this point vastly feral due to lack of stimulus and perpetual hunger, is alert enough to pick up on the several glimpses of undamned flesh traversing through this pocket prison regularly. And at first, his fogged brain doesn't think of anything else but the possibility of food. Real meat. Something that squeals in pain, makes noise, looks different, something to both fill his stomach and feed his malnourished senses. A toy. A meal. Something. It's only a matter of time before Ludwig is caught. By the time realizes he's being hunted, it's already too late.

In a moment of striking lucidity, though not without some previous inflicted trauma, Krulu realizes that Ludwig is of much more use to him than just a meal. Granted, he may be a monster, therefore an unfit host, but if the higher could still stuff himself inside Ludwig for just long enough to catch a ride out, he could fix that in no time. So, essentially, Ludwig is threatened into smuggling Krulu out the nothingness (kind of like how you'd smuggle a bag of coke up your ass). Now, obviously, the higher can't stay in Ludwig's body for too long or the demon will die, eventually. And Krulu can't really expose himself on Earth without a host to muffle his presence, it's too risky. So what happens is that Ludwig captures humans that catch Krulu's interest and transfers him over to them.

They were never strong enough to hold him.

Krulu is old, "voluminous" and heavy. He's complex, thick, corrosive. Most humans can't handle a being like him. After a while, all his hosts would start to deteriorate, blisters forming all over their bodies, organs liquefying, suffocating, limbs twisting out of place. They suffered horrible deaths, even short lengths of contact would leave permanent, severe damage. There comes a point where Ludwig loses all hope, and frankly, he's not enjoying the fact that he's bringing about the death of what must amount to hundreds of humans. He feels himself getting stronger as a wrath demon because of his increasing kills, but by no means were those dignified victories. Lud wasn't fighting these humans fair and square, he was slaughtering them mercilessly for the unhinged and increasingly frustrated god within him. Every second spent with Krulu was a special type of torture, feeling their claws scrape at Ludwig's brain, trying to hold onto his body desperately- Hearing that incessant murmuring and getting blasted with thoughts that aren't his, memories too intense to process, sentiments he can't digest. Ludwig was dying. And he had come to terms with it, he was suffering for his stupidity.

All this time, the monster had given you nothing but radio silence, so it only made sense that you'd send him a text just to check in. Well, it's that same text that jolted Ludwig into remembering you, which then prompted Krulu to flicker through all the demon's memories of you and determine that you would be their next attempt at a vessel. Naturally, Ludwig was not on board. Everyone up until that point had died horribly, he expected the same to happen to his friend/crush. No matter how angry he got, Lud couldn't hope to stop Krulu, and so he was forced to betray you. To establish contact with you and force a banished, clearly demented god into your body.

Ludwig was there for every second of the beginning of your relationship with Krulu. He remained when you convulsed, cried and tore your throat screaming through the pains of welcoming them. He remained when you cursed him to fates worse than death, when you swore you'd kill him with your bare hands for what he had damned you to. He persisted when you and Krulu got into disagreements, when you had trouble detailing the modern world to this old entity, when you got panic attacks from the erratic changes of your biology- Through thick and thin, essentially.

This monster saw the start of your madness, of your slow but genuine descent into infatuation with Krulu. He saw their taste for blood and punishment seep into your very bones. He sat there and helped Krulu destroy you, make of you the perfect lesser, the perfect devotee. And at the same time that it crushed Ludwig inside, it was either that or let you die.

In the end, he got a reward of his choosing for being of aid to the higher and their goals. For getting him the perfect vessel. Ludwig chose the ability to better control his wrath, and consoles himself with that gained ability whenever he thinks about what he did to you.

Because even if you thank Ludwig for introducing you to Krulu, for "bettering your life", Lud still feels like he betrayed you.

#Krulu oc #Ludwig oc #general tce #me dumping mentally ill amounts of lore on you

[threeeyedmaven]

I don't feel ugly - I am ugly. As someone diagnosed with BDD, I don't fit into the stereotype of the beautiful woman who believes she has some unthinkable flaw which makes her repulsive. My flaws are real: my face is off-putting and certainly unattractive. There are, however, almost no self-help resources for this issue, yet there are (rightfully so) many recourses for those with the more "conventional" form of BDD. These are of little to no use to those who are considered unattractive or ugly by the majority of society. The most effective form of self-help I've found relating to this is finding an obscure group on reddit to vent to, and really, I ask myself if it's really that helpful; reading about how others are shouted at in the street or avoided at work due to their looks does a great job of detering me from ever leaving the house. This brings me to the main point, however: ugly people face real discrimination. We are a group of people who are treated unfairly in society due to something beyond our control. With the current social environment progressing towards goals like gender equality, LGBT acceptance, and fat/body acceptance, why is it that we completely stop when we get to the face? Perhaps because it's taboo to admit that ugliness exists. The idea of admitting to yourself that you might be ugly can also be distressing, as it's something that is intrinsicly "bad." To be ugly is to be visually repulsive. To be unattractive is to be aesthetically un-beautiful, and in a world where "everyone is beautiful" is ubiquitous and beauty is like social currenty, of course this is something we do not want to confront. However, it is important that we do. Only then can we band together and advocate for ourselves. Very few people currently talk about how we struggle in the workplace due to lookism(1), or how ugly people are more likely to recieve harsher sentences(2). People talk about how ugly people are more likely to have unfavourable personalities, yet no one talks about WHY this is. Should we not consider that the way ugly people are treated can destroy someone's self worth so much that every social interaction is laced with the fear that someone is going to make a nasty comment or play a cruel joke? Is it not then easy to understand why an ugly person may have developed a defensive attitude that can come across as rude in order to minimise damage to their mental health? We're then blamed for our lackluster personalities, often by the very people (the attractive) who caused them. This does not mean we don't need introspection and that we shouldn't strive to be kind and friendly human beings, but it does mean we should try to have at least an ounce of compassion when discussing this rather than just parroting things like "it's your personality that's the problem!" or my favourite: "just shower and go to the gym!" People are often in so much disbelief of the lived experience of ugly people that they try to gaslight us. I've seen many a "that never happened" or "you imagined it" in response to an ugly person describing being shouted at in the street. Looking away or denying our reality is not going to make the issue go away, nor is it going to make you a better person for saying it. Our progress is hindered by people's disbelief. It's understandable that admitting to someone that they're ugly or unattractive isn't something we like to do. I'm an ugly woman and I would feel bad about it myself, but we must start changing something if we want recognition.

#i am ugly #ugly #bdd #body dysmorphic disorder #appearance #body shaming #human rights #discrimination #social justice

[marshmallowprotection]

After that adorable ask about borrower mc I really want to know what would be Suit's reaction to mc suddenly turning tiny on his watch x"D

The most important question is: would he carry them around in his pocket or not? 🤔

Suit Saeran is perplexed by this. What is suppose to do in this situation? What should he do with a toy that can’t do their job? You’re not going to able to answer messages or phone calls at that size. You’re not going to be able to do anything the Savior wants! He is someone who works on logic and reason, and there’s no logical reason why you should be tiny. That’s not something that happens in the real world now, is it? No. 

This doesn’t happen in his world and now he’s got to deal with this! Ugh. He’s got so much work to take care of and now you’re getting in the way again. He doesn’t have time to waste on you. Saeran is working to get rid of the liar and the traitor, and what good are you to him if you’re not capable of doing the job you signed up for? 

See, he already calls you a toy. Now, you’re actually the size of a toy and it makes him want to laugh in your face. Why wouldn’t he? It’s like the universe wants you to understand your place in this world. You’re small, pitiful, and he’s the only thing keeping you alive. You know, if the Savior knew that you were this small, she would probably want to use you for experiments or take you away to be put to use somewhere in the cult. 

You wouldn’t want that, now, would you? You surely don’t want to be locked away forever and ever. So, you’re going to bend to his desires now. You’re going to do what he tells you to do and there’s nothing that you can do to argue. He is stronger, taller, faster, and bigger than you are. There’s nothing you can do at the moment but count on him to take care of you and hope for the best. What a cute little toy you are. That’s what you are to him. 

Imagine that! So, you can definitely expect him to torment you with his usual verbal tactics of distress. You’re so small! You could be crushed under the heel of a shoe if he didn’t leave you cooped up in your room. You should be grateful for that. Why not thank him and beg him to keep you safe and sound where you belong? He can easily bring you into his hands, holding you tightly as he warns you about the new rules of paradise that you have to follow if you want to live in this place. 

There’s a few ways that he can go about this. He can leave you in your room and know that nobody will ever find you, or... well, we know that he is capable of building an entire stage. He made his own puppets of you and himself for a little show before... it’s not out of the ordinary to imagine that he can easily make you a cage with gilded walls. He could dress you to his liking as well, and hey, there isn’t anything wrong with that. You know if he didn’t go to that trouble, you might be stuck in the same outfit forever. 

Don’t complain when it’s to his liking and not yours. He’s particular about his vision... and it’s not like Ray wouldn’t have done the same. Ray would’ve spent so much time trying to make you look like a prince/ss. Be glad that he’s not as bad as Ray, he’d claim with a crass look in his eyes. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s likely to use just as many ribbons as Ray would... just not as bright or colorful. 

It’s not such a bad deal... but this means he could remove you from your room and bring you to his. There’s a strong chance he might do that... it’s easier to be able to watch you this way, too... and he won’t have to worry about anyone who might try to steal you away from him. You’re small enough that he could keep it so you’re always with him. Think about that, he’d laugh, he has a toy meant just for his amusement. 

Aren’t you afraid? 

He is not gentle. It’s very likely that he’ll shove you into a pocket when he’s got somewhere to be and he doesn’t want to leave you alone. Can you imagine the horror when he stashes you away and he’s forced to go to a meeting with Rika, or he’s brought to the church services while all you can do is listen to the sound of threats and lies while the only thing keeping you alive is Saeran? Because, he might just have the audacity to carry you with him into places to make you know just how grateful you should be.

Yet... on the inside, he might just regret that later... you know how it is with him. He would feel... ashamed once he knows that he needed to do better... that he shouldn’t have lied to you or hurt your feelings or... yeah. i imagine a hug at that size might be hard but... haha... now I’m getting emotional thinking about the 9th day again. 

I just know even if he puts you in a gilded cage to watch him work, you’re only going to see how miserably lonely he is trapped in that room... and it’ll be hard to realize that he and Ray have been suffering in silence. You wish that you could do more for him... but at least... at least, you’re keeping him company now and he’s not alone. You pray that Ray knows he isn’t alone, either... if you’ll ever see him again. The thought of him passing out against his keyboard while you can do nothing but watch... 

#suit saeran #natasha in space #ask #mod kait #pocket mc #mm #mysme #mysticmessenger #mystic messenger #saeran #saeran choi #choi saeran #saeran mystic messenger #saeran mysme #saeran mm #mm saeran #mysme saeran #mystic messenger saeran

[kara-does-fandom]

Lucemon with a partner

To be perfectly honest, Lucemon is VERY particular about how this digimon human partnership is phrased. He will be very offended by the term "Tamer" cause that implies the human has some power over him. You will get by a lot easier with the term "partner" an you may notice the relationship is termed "Lucemon and his human" or "Lucemon's human partner" where Lucemon is termed as the person with more power and is superior in the relationship. And... just let him. You will be treated as his equal or at least Most Trusted Favorite underling most o the time, and will always be higher in rank of People Lucemon Interacts with than anyone else in Lucemon's life. There are far more important problems that come with Lucemon's Sin of Pride aspect than who is named first and how things are termed.

The thing you will have to keep an eye out for is Lucemon treating you more like a pet than an individual with thier own thoughts, feelings, opinions, and rights. Sure, you would be a pampered human pet, but Lucemon would gt used to you doing whatever he says and accepting his gifts no matter how... not you, they are. Its still a bit of a delicate dance to ensure you are treated as his equal, but dont let him turn you into a little toy or pet he can do what he likes with.

He wont let you fight, and wont let you NEAR a fight if he can help it. He understands humans are delicate. Humans are actually pretty damned sturdy, but they werent meant for facing digimon attacks and also any digimon with a partner is likely distressed with the idea of thier humans coming to harm, even if the human DOES like wrestling or rugby or something for fun. If you have taken self defense courses he will be a little more satisfied but also... Also his pride is on the line if something happens. He FAILED to keep you safe and the wound to his pride will be bad even if you do manage to evade or even defeat the attacker. Count on Lucemon to be PISSED... and then clingy as he takes the time to reassure himself you are safe.

Despite his feelings of superiority, Lucemon is quite curious about the human world. Expect him to spend time going through your books, your movie and show collection, and expect some downtime watching stuff or with a puzzled Digimon Lord asking you why humans do things like this, or just quietly watching something in deep contemplation. You could very well introduce the idea of movie nights to him if he gets too into it. Just expect his viewing to be followed or interrupted by discussions of the subject. He will also be taking notes on what you like.

Speaking of those preferences he uncovers going through your stuff, if he has a castle or residence you will end up with your own room, or suite, but understand he is a possessive digimon and there is a very good chance that you have to go through his area to leave the bedrooms and get to the rest of the castle. But it will still be lavished to what he imagines you like. If you have always wanted a soaking tub, jaccuzzi, or tub big enough to swim in, guess whats now in your bathroom. If you like stuffed animals, expect a pile of them. If you want your home to look like a vintage tacobell and retro 90s pastels he will raise his eyebrows and you will get some very confused attempts unless you show him references. His castle is your castle and you are his human and he likes making you happy.

He wont grand every whim, there are some a little too demeaning or not grand enough for him (he does love the lavish, after all), or he feels his idea is better. But he does care about you, his human, and will try to keep you happy.

But this also has a chance to mean he will not be honest with you about the depths of evil he can be. He is one of the Seven Great Demon Lords for a reason, fallen from grace and often concidered the most powerful of all. He will absolutely lie to you to keep you happy and keep your loyalty, especially if he deems you a little too naive or sweet to handle it, or thinks you will hate him or try to foil his plans. Even if he claims you and marks you as a keyholder of PRide, someone who shares his pride and is worthy of his aspect, this is a digimon who, wile boastful, will always have something in the back he doesnt mention.

On a more fun note, Lucemon prob enjoys having you in his lap or settled by his side. You will find yourself being petted or stroked, or just tucked close, and he does take comfort in your presence. On the flip side, he may also walk around with you scooped in his arms and not let you do your own walking, especially if he wants to get somewhere quickly. You will get used to being in his arms fairly quickly, all things considered.

#lucemon fm #lucemon #digimon

[duckielover151]

Strong World and Sexism

This is a debate I've seen around the fandom but haven't really participated in yet. I'm just shy of the 400-episode mark, so that has something to do with it. But it's been on my mind lately and was something I really couldn't ignore in the Strong World movie, which I saw tonight.

(I want to just throw in here that, as a whole, I really enjoyed this movie. It feels super fitting that the music got this huge upgrade... right after Brook joined the crew. And it looked fucking amazing. Like, did this movie make it into theaters outside of Japan? I feel like that's kind of a recent thing for anime movies... but if it didn't, it should have. I may be a decade (or more) late to everything, but I hope other fans got the joy of a theater experience for something that looked and sounded this good.)

The story was the only part that was a little weak. And that weakness mainly came from the misogynistic vibes I was getting.

Where to start? I guess I'll start with how Naruto was a huge cornerstone of my love of anime, growing up. A show that is well-known for how terribly its female characters are written. Honestly, it's become a big point of reference when judging other anime on that point. And One Piece has avoided a lot of the issues Naruto has.

While being a show that largely designs its female characters in a way that... shows off their physical assets a bit more? However you want to describe it. The girls who are meant to be seen as attractive tend to follow the same design scheme: big boobs, unreasonable curves, very little clothing to cover them.

And I want to mention that because it's something I've seen held up as an example of One Piece being sexist... and I have to disagree on that point. I don't feel like design alone is enough to be sexist. It's all about how a character wears their design. The women I've met in One Piece are all confident and powerful enough that they can dress however the hell they want. It becomes sexist when it doesn't feel like they're in control. And it's a huge selling point for me that Robin and Nami pull their weight on this crew. Robin is as effective a fighter as any of them. They literally could not survive without Nami's navigational skills, and she's begun doing her part in the battles a lot more too.

(Now, I'm not saying there are never over-the-top moments with the outfits especially... There's a scene in this movie where Nami makes an effort to pull her shirt down to cover her stomach... but doesn't seem to think twice about how her shorts don't cover her butt. Which is... Whatever. That much is fanservice, plain and simple.)

What bothered me in this movie is that it really shoved the girls into damsel in distress roles. Even Robin-- who barely has any lines in this movie-- has a moment where she's overpowered and captured. There's a distressing amount of... 'The boys get to be badass while the girls need to be rescued' in Strong World. The entire plot revolves around Nami being kidnapped. And that could have gone a lot worse... She does manage to rescue herself and only returns to her kidnapper as a way to try and sacrifice herself so they'd leave her crew (and entire island back home) in peace. And even then, she's still working to undermine his plan... At no point does she ever completely give in.

I think that just stings a little extra because it's coming right on the heels of something very similar happening to Nami on Thriller Bark. (She gets kidnapped by an enemy who tries to force her to marry him.) Which really isn't a trend I want them to continue. It's a little disappointing to see it doubled down on, because it really isn't a problem I felt the show had leading up to this point. I can't imagine them taking a huge step back with the sexism after 400 episodes of the girls being strong and respectable enough to overlook any fanservice... But I guess I'll be on guard for it.

I guess I just want to say that for how old this series is... The way it treats its female characters has actually been a really pleasant experience.

#one piece #Strong World #one piece nami #kind of a review

[annaizscribbling]

Needed to write something for me. Loosely inspired by the library scene from Low Battery, but for myself.

Sometimes you gotta talk it out with your girl.

CW: suicidal thoughts mention, depression, anxiety mention.

"How did you get so horrible?" She asks through watery eyes. She's so thin and frail. Her skin was pale back then, and her hair was spun into delicate ringlets that framed her face.

I just shrug for now.

She's right though. I'm horrible. So much pain, so much hurt. So lonely, so tired, so scared. What have I become? Not what little girls dream about.

"Why?" She presses again, there's devastation lodged in her throat. She's wearing a faded barbie themed nightgown. Her feet are bare. Cheap, brightly colored braclets hang from her tiny wrists.

"Life got hard, kid. I-it just happened," I tell her simply, I'm trying to smile as I do. I don't know how to explain it to her. How do I tell this frail little thing what happened? Am I supposed to recount over 10 years in just a moment? Am I sparing her? Or can I just not bear to see her disappointment?

"How?" She whispers at me. Her eyes are so glossy and big. She's so innocent. She's so precious. God, she doesn't deserve this.

"I'm not sure yet," I admit quietly, "it's big and complicated, and I get lost if I look for too long.

After a long pause, she looks up at me. Her tiny hands are tightly clasped together in her lap. Her lips are pressed together in clear distress. It hurts me to look at her. It hurts to think about where she's going.

My heart floods with pain when a tear runs down her cheek.

"I'm scared," she says, choked up with the tears she was clearly holding back.

"Me too," I whisper. My own throat starts to hurt as I look up, blinking rapidly. I don't want to cry. I don't want to make it worse. I don't want to upset her. She doesn't deserve that.

"I don't wanna hurt," she says, tiny body heaving with a sob.

"I know," I tell her. Because I do.

"Why?" She begs for an answer that I don't have. I wish I knew. I wish I could tell her a lie, but she's too smart for that. She's too perceptive. She's always been good at that. She could never be fooled.

I don't get a chance to respond, because my own tears are falling freely now.

Gazing at her face hurts. I want to cradle her. I want to reach out and cup her face. I want to shelter her soft baby skin and her angelic doe eyes. I want to brush her curls from her face and kiss the bridge of her nose. I want to hold her and shield her from the world. I want to shield her from myself.

She's so beautiful.

I look at her, sitting beside me. I want to weep.

She'll suffer like me and end up exactly where I'm sitting now.

Another sob tears through my teeth. I can't hold them back anymore. I look at her and know she'll be hurt so badly. I look at her and know one day she'll stop sleeping for a few years. She'll be so lonely that the days become a blur. She'll become numb to the world for a time. She'll blame herself for whatever she can to cope. Soon, she'll be stuck with daily fears that never quite leave. She'll want to die eventually. She'll be burnt out, beat down, bloody, and exhausted. She'll end up in places she never imagined being.

She doesn't deserve it. How am I realizing this for the first time? How could I blame her once upon a time?

I wish I could make her proud, but all I've done is devastate her.

"I'm so sorry," I say, and I mean it so deeply that my body aches with the statement, "I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you, I swear."

"I love you, too" she says back, rubbing her tears with a pastel pink sleeve.

"I know I got horrible," I say to her, now wiping my own tears, "I know. I know it looks so bad, but I'm not done yet. We're not done yet, kid. It won't be horrible forever."

She wordlessly took my hand, squeezing it tight.

"We're doing this together," I say I as I draw her closer to me.

I wrap her in my arms, holding her tight. She clings to me, and my tears return silently as I rock her gently. I hold her like I'm holding the world in my arms. I hold her against me until I can't tell if I'm hearing my heartbeat or hers.

And eventually, I'm sitting alone, hugging myself and weeping. I don't know if it's hopeless tears or hopeful ones.

Either way, it can't be horrible forever.

#anais writes #i can't tell if this is depressing or uplifting or both #poetry #sorta #tw suicidal thoughts #tw depression #inner child #short story #writing