#it was probably the worst when i lived with my aunt after my grandparents died bc i was around a little bit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mystoriesnotover3110 · 2 years

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Its like living a night mare every year!!

Yes as time has gone on it has gotten easier but it does not change the fact your life was cut short 4 years ago, ugh where do I start well there is no start with this there is no end to this even though there are people who wish id just not speak on it anymore but reality is we all deal with things differently, relationships wise 100% moved on, I'm gay clearly and happy with Hailey, but your memory never left me. June 30th is always my reminder of what tonight is and what tomorrow means, you wanted me as your wife which now I know would have never worked because I was meant to be with a girl, anyways back to you, id give the world to sit down and have a conversation with you, I sometimes wonder if you have talked to my grandparents up there with you or even my aunt my moms sister, I always wonder if you can just talk to anyone in heaven or how it works? I hope my grandparents and aunt don’t have a hateful heart towards you because it wasn't your fault I lied so much to my family about US. That was 100% me and of course since you passed away I've taken full responsibility for the things I said and did while we were together and even after, I was thinking about how last year around this time is when I found out about my ex and your cousin speaking about me, what people don’t know is when you and I were together I couldn't talk to many people at all, you went through my phone if I had one, you were always on my Facebook to make sure no other boy, guys were speaking to me, but I don’t resent you for the things you put me through or the things I choose to deal with while I was dating you trust me it taught me more than you could imagine about how I'm supposed to be treated as well as how I'm supposed to treat the one I love, ill probably always write to you, as if you cant already read my mind, the words I said to you out of anger then haunt me, there are so many things I could sit and apologize for and I'm sure you have had time in heaven to reflect as you have watched me over the last 4 years, and I'm sure id get some apologies as well, grief in any shape is hard to deal with but death of someone young is hard, I hate it for your family the most, I truly do your parents took it hard and still take it hard every single day and its been over 2 solid years since Ive seen either one of them in person. I dont get many questions about you anymore, unless someone is asking about my butterfly tattoo, I wish you would show me you’re still here because I miss your sudden reminders sometimes, its nice knowing I have an angel forever watching over my life, and I still say you were there the day I nearly ended my life, I know you had a hand in that, you showed yourself to me the day Zedin was born... so its not like I don’t know your probably standing beside me or looking over my shoulder as I'm typing this probably shaking your head saying you know we had this conversation before I died months before that if something ever happened to either of us we wanted each other to live long happy lives and that we promised to always be there for every moment, I still remember the car ride to your house 4 years ago how you looked at me and said “I think I'm going to die” and I got upset and said not to say things like that, but since then I've learned your body tells you... you honestly without even knowing prepared me for those final moments with you on earth, for the officer to look at me and say that what he was about to tell me was the worst part of his job, even though deep down I already knew.. I knew before the police got there and before the paramedics came in to revive you. I stood in that living room for that 45 mins with my head spinning looking at your brother shaking my head... I still hate the beeping sounds that sound like phibulaters,i hate the sound of emergency crews. I hate when people talk bad about drug addiction and the people that go through it, unless you have been through it or had to deal with someone first hand who was or is an addict I believe you have no say unless your a licensed professional. anyways I honestly dont know where this is going all I know is I'm writing because of you, I do these entries to speak to you but also for my memory, for my children to one day read if their mother/Hailey allows them to read these, I have almost 120 entries since you died, if I had written everyday since the actual day since your death it be a lot more then that. But anyways Hope you are doing well my angel, i’ll come see you tomorrow, and i’ll be open and honest with Hailey about my emotions always and I’m thankful to have you apart of my journey even if its only in my heart I'm glad you get to see life through me in a way. You continue to rest Easy MATTHEW THOMAS JONES 07/01/18 <3

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charlies-gillespie · 3 years

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a quiet wedding | charlie gillespie

paring: fem!reader x charlie gillespie

summary: Charlie and reader get quietly married in an intimate ceremony with only their family and closest friends

requested: no

length: shorter

rating: PG

warnings: a few emotional moments (& very fluffy), a sexual joke or two

!! MY GIF - give creds if used !!

MASTERLIST

author’s note: prompts list is coming at noon est today. i got it done earlier than friday so it’s going up today

another author’s note: “je t’aime” means “i love you” in french. “je t’adore” means “i adore you” in french

It happened so quickly. From the day you got engaged to Charlie until today took about three months. It happened quickly but you know that you want to spend the rest of your life with Charlie. You wouldn’t have said yes to his proposal if you didn’t want to spend the rest of your life with Charlie.

The fans know of your relationship with Charlie, even though you both have kept your relationship mostly out of the public eye. After a slip up or two from you both, fans caught on so you both confirmed your relationship to stop the speculation. Neither of you said anything about the engagement or about your pending wedding. You wear the engagement ring on your necklace while in public and on your finger when alone with Charlie or your friends or your family.

It’s not that you don’t want the fans to know, but you’re both 22-years-old and really young. There’s nothing wrong with getting married young but there are a lot of people with harsh opinions out there, and you’ve always been sensitive to harsh comments even though you’re an actress and singer.

So, you and Charlie decided to get married in the backyard of your childhood home, away from any prying eyes. Your parents still live there and the backyard has a beautiful view of the mountain range since your parents live very close to the Pocono Mountains in Pennsylvania. The house is pretty big since your parents both make good money as doctors.

You get ready in your childhood bedroom. Your bridesmaids, who consist of Savannah and your sister, both stand in lilac colored gowns as Savannah curls your hair. She puts little white flowers throughout the curls to decorate the style a bit.

Your sister works on your makeup and you try to keep yourself composed. You’re marrying the love of your life today after a three month engagement but a four year relationship. You’ve waited so long for this day and it’s finally here. You can’t wait to say ‘I do’ to Charlie in a few moments.

“Okay,” Savannah says. “Hair is done.”

Your sister closes her eyeshadow palette and says, “And so is makeup. We’re ready for the dress.”

Curious, you open your eyes and look in the mirror. You smile at the sight. Your sister did a silver smokey eye look with a nude lip color. Your curls are loose with the little white flowers scattered throughout.

There’s a knock on the door as your sister lays the dress across your bed. Savannah goes and answers the door. “Mrs. L/N,” she says. “Come on in. We were about to put the dress on.”

You turn in your seat to see your mother in a light pink dress that ends at her knees. She wears a black belt around her waist and black heels. She smiles and when she smiles, you see yourself. You and your mother are practically twins. She holds a veil with a tiara on it.

“Wow,” your mother gasps. “You look so beautiful, darling.”

Your eyes are still on the veil with the tiara in her hands. “What’s that?” you ask.

She looks down and says, “Your something blue, something old, and something borrowed. There’s a little blue gem on the tiara. This veil was your grandmothers, mine, and now yours.”

Savannah takes the tiara from your mother, putting it in your hair and securing it with a bobby pin or two. “I love it,” you announce. “It’s beautiful.”

The girls in your room all smile at you. Your sister unzips the bag with the dress and says, “Okay. We have about twenty minutes before the ceremony begins so let’s go.”

The dress you bought is a white strapless mermaid style satin wedding dress, which means it hugs your body until it flares out at your knees. The fabric from your knees up is ruched, which makes it look bunched up in a way. A diamond belt sits on your waist to sparkle the dress up a bit.

You watch in the mirror as your sister works at tying up the dress behind you. The dress hugs your figure and shows off your curves.

“Look at you,” your mother says. “Charlie is a very lucky man.” You can hear your mother choking back a few tears.

With a little laugh, you say, “Please don’t cry because then I’ll cry.”

Your sister chimes in and says, “Please don’t ruin my masterpiece. I worked hard on that.”

All four of you in the room laugh when there’s another knock on your door. Your sister opens it. You look and see Owen in the doorway. “Everything’s ready when you are, Y/N. By the way, you look very pretty.”

“Thank you, Owen,” you say, smiling. “We’ll be down in a moment.” He nods and closes the door.

It’s a very small wedding. Your parents, older sister, older brothers, blood aunts, uncles, first cousins, grandparents, and their plus ones on your side. Charlie’s parents, younger sister, older brothers, blood aunts, uncles, first cousins, grandparents, and their plus ones on his side. Plus Owen, Jeremy, Savannah, Cheyenne, Booboo, Madison, Sacha, and several other cast members from Julie and the Phantoms that you and Charlie consider yourself close with were invited, plus their plus ones. There’s maybe fifty or so people here. Compared to the probably two hundred or so that would have come if you invited every single family member and friend the two of you have.

With a sigh, you leave the room with your mother, Sav, and your sister. You wait in the dining room. Owen, Jeremy, and your father wait in there already. You look out the window to see everyone making conversation in the backyard in their seats. The white arch decorated with flowers looks nice with the mountains as a backdrop. You can see Charlie speaking with the ordained minister that is officiating the wedding under the arch as he waits for you.

Your mother hugs you and says, “You look stunning, Y/N. This is your day. Enjoy it.”

“Thank you, momma,” you say, holding back tears of your own now. Your mom pulls back from the hug and kisses your nose. You smile and she walks away.

Jeremy pairs up with your sister and Owen pairs up with Savannah. Your father walks over with your bouquet of white and lilac roses. “You ready, Y/N?” You nod and look up at your father. He looks very nice in his suit and his hair neatly combed back.

The pairs begin to walk out and conversation dies down. Madison plays the piano because you asked and you thought it would make the day more special if she played you down the aisle.

Your father hooks his left arm with your right arm and begins to walk down the “aisle”. The aisle is a space between the two sections of seats decorated with white roses.

As you walk, your eyes are on Charlie. He has a big smile on his face as he watches you. His hair is in his naturally wavy state and he’s clean shaven. He looks handsome in his suit and tie with a little bouquet of white flowers pinned to his jacket. You can see his big eyes full of happy tears, which spill onto his cheeks even though he tries to hold them back.

When you get to the arch, your father hands you away to Charlie. Mads stops playing when you’re both under the arch and you hand your bouquet back to your sister.

The minister begins, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the love of these two people. If there is some reason to why these two should not be wed, speak up now or forever hold your peace.”

Your eyes don’t leave Charlie’s as no one objects. The minister continues, “If the bride and groom have any vows, they can speak now.”

“I have a few things I’d like to say,” you say, smiling at Charlie. The minister nods and you continue speaking. “Charlie, we met five years ago. We were there for each other before either of us found real fame. I promised you when we started dating that I would be there for you after either of us found real fame. This is me renewing that promise. I promise to love you, to trust you, to be with you forever no matter what. I promise to support any role that you take, or don’t take. I promise to be there for you when you get frustrated at anything, and I promise to love you through your worst days.”

Charlie sniffles a bit and the crowd “awes”. Your fiancé smiles and says, “I don’t know how to top that but here we go. Y/N, je t'aime. Je t’adore. There are so many ways to tell you that I love you and that I adore you in every way possible, but there are not enough ways to tell you that I love and adore you. We met five years ago and I knew then that I’d be standing here with you. I knew that you were the woman I was going to marry one day. We’ve been together for four years now, and I have never taken any day out of the past four years for granted. We’ve created so many memories together. We’ve recently been creating music together. I’m going to be super cheesy when I say it but I’m going to say it anyway. No music is worth making, Y/N, if I’m not making it with you. No memory is worth making, Y/N, if I’m not making it with you. No regrets. Je t’aime, I love you.”

You were able to hold it together until Charlie pulled out the “no music is worth making” line. You loved that line when he said it in the show, and he just pulled it out as he said his vows. You grow antsy, wanting to kiss him already.

The minister says, “Okay, the rings.” Owen pulls them out of his suit pocket. Of course Charlie had to give Owen the rings.

“Repeat after me, Y/N,” the minister says. You nod. “I, Y/N L/N, take thee Charles Gillespie to be my lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health, til death do us part.”

With a smile on your face, you say, “I, Y/N L/N, take thee Charles Gillespie to be my lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health, til death do us part.”

You slide Charlie’s silver band onto his left ring finger. The minister says, “Your turn, Charlie. Repeat after me. I, Charles Gillespie, take thee Y/N L/N to be my lawfully wedded wife in sickness and in health, til death do us part.”

Charlie states into your eyes and repeats, “I, Charles Gillespie, take thee Y/N L/N to be my lawfully wedded wife in sickness and in health, til death do us part.”

He slides your silver band onto your left ring finger. Your engagement ring is on your right ring finger.

The minister says, “With the power invested in me by the state of Pennsylvania, I pronounce you husband and wife. Charlie, you may kiss your bride.”

Charlie doesn’t hesitate after that. He cups your face in his hands and pulls your lips to his. The crowd cheers as you seal the wedding with a kiss.

***

The backyard is quickly turned into a reception area with a tent and everything. You don’t ever leave Charlie’s side the whole night.

You have your first dance with Charlie as a married couple, dancing to Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran. This was the song you both first danced to when you started dating so to come full circle, you made it your wedding song.

Your head is on his chest as he holds you in his arms. He looks down at you and says, “You look absolutely gorgeous, Y/N. I don’t think I’ve told you that enough times tonight.”

“Just because you can be cheesy, don’t mean you always should be,” you say, looking up at your new husband.

Charlie says, “Well, then to make it less cheesy, I think you look beautiful but you’ll look even more beautiful when that dress is on the floor and you’re underneath me naked.”

You playfully hit his shoulder and say, “Charles Gillespie. Now is not the time for sexual jokes.”

He smirks and says, “You married me. You’ll be hearing them all the time now.”

With a laugh from you both, you lean up and press a light kiss to Charlie’s lips. Both of you share these types of kisses all through the night, until you’re alone in your hotel room in Paris for your two-week long honeymoon.

#charlie gillespie imagines #charlie gillespie imagine #charlie gillespie x oc #charlie gillespie x reader #charlie gillespie x y/n #julie and the phantoms imagines #jatp imagines #jatp imagine #fluff imagines #wedding imagines #wedding imagine #imagines #imagine #fluff #requests are open

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princessmo · 3 years

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this is just gonna be me bitching about stuff under the read more because i need to do that, but i don’t want to burden anyone specifically so i must burden everyone at once. tw for child death, child abuse and probably other shitty stuff. i’m not the victim of these, my parents/their siblings are/were and i think about it too much.

so i dunno if anyone else ever does that thing when you’re bored where you look yourself up, but i was doing that today and stumbled across some huge family tree website that includes stuff from both sides of my family and i thought it was interesting especially because i know almost nothing about my paternal grandfather since he and my grandma got divorced a couple years after my dad was born, and he died a few years before i was born. from what little i know, he sucked as a person and cheated on my grandma, but i still can’t help but be curious. somehow he’s not even close to being my worst grandparent. anyway, i didn’t find very much about him other than some basic stuff, even just trying to look him up on google doesn’t do anything, i don’t think he even got an obituary and i don’t know if anyone cared about him at the end of his life, i don’t know how much he deserved it all (my dad doesn’t tell me about his childhood unless he’s super drunk at 4am watching music videos on the youtube tv app with me). also, not from this website, but i learned that my dad’s former stepfather who used to threaten my grandma/aunt/dad with his gun is still alive and i’m upset about that because i (falsely) assumed he was dead. he was a cop and the other cops wouldn’t do anything about him.

what i did find out, or rather maybe rediscover? (i knew this information before but i wasn’t supposed to and i had repressed/forgotten it) was that my mom had two brothers who died in infancy, and it’s both appalling and entirely unsurprising because that’s just a family tradition when you’re irish catholic. i could’ve had two more uncles. i don’t know how or why they died. thank god for findagrave.com. my mom also had a really shitty childhood where my grandpa was (and still is) a fucking horrible and miserable person; he’d beat my grandma and their five living kids, and she’d beat the kids and the kids would all beat each other. i don’t really know how to end this but i’m too goddamn lazy to look into therapy right now and i needed to tell anyone who would listen.

none of these are even my own problems but i think about them a lot. i do have a few problems of my own but they’re not at all comparable (i’ve convinced myself i’m gonna die a virgin because i’m ugly and too goddamned selective and i don’t have any interests or talents i can see myself pursuing as a career) and sometimes i think i don’t deserve to talk to anyone about my own insecurities because everything could be a hell of a lot worse. for two people who didn’t have a single good parental influence between them, i think they did a pretty good job raising me.

#ask to tag #i don't know i don't know anything sometimes i wish i did

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #329

“i keep it all inside because i know that man is everything but kind”

What is the best thing about your life right now? Uhhhhh... I guess from a realistic standpoint, my partial hospitalization program. I'm learning very important coping skills and have some social interaction almost every day. How was your second serious relationship different from your first? Did you approach relationships differently with some experience under your belt? My first serious relationship was made deeper than what was safe because I was 100% obsessed with him; meanwhile, with Sara, I feel I loved her in a wiser way and with a sense of self still present. I was definitely more hesitant to "let" myself fall in love again, though, and was very insecure at the start. Whose death affected you the most? My dog's, Teddy. What was the best time you’ve had with a complete stranger? I don't exactly make a habit of hanging out with complete strangers... Who has seen you at your absolute worst? How did your relationship change afterwards? Mom, Jason, Girt, and Colleen, probably. Girt showed up at the ER after my overdose (I was a dramatic fuck and wrote a suicide note on Facebook so I didn't just... go without telling some people things I definitely wanted to), and that's when my crush on him really kicked into gear again. He was and is just always there for me through everything. For Jason, I am quiiiiiiiite sure seeing me have an absolute catatonic breakdown the night of the breakup just pushed him away more. I probably looked crazy. Colleen also showed up at the ER after my suicide attempt, and it brought us closer. Then there's Mom, who's, you know, my mom, and my darkest times have always grown our incredible bond, too, because she would never fail to be there for me. What’s your favorite planet? Saturn is dope. What’s your favorite pasta dish? Just spaghetti with tomato sauce and meatballs. What color do you really want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, light/creamsicle orange, and silver, but there are more. What’s your favorite eye color? Sapphire blue or emerald green. What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? Um, I don't break into places. What’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Sara gets super squeaky, bouncy, and just in general wordlessly excited at reptile shows. Going with her to one is one of my favorite memories, mostly just by watching her. Tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Have I ever been (awake) with friends past 3AM...? Idk. Do you have a favorite coffee shop? Describe it! Not a coffee gal. Who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Sara. (: When was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Now THERE'S a fuckin question. I don't have the slightest idea. What was your biggest fear as a kid? Is it the same today? Thunderstorms; definitely not. Have you ever been to a Pride festival? No, but I'd love to. How open are you with your parents? I don't tell everything to my dad (though I know I could), but I'm an open book with Mom. Is there anything you’re more open about on the internet (such as on LiveJournal) than you would be in “real life”? I guess my sexual history. I'm just in general pretty open online. What is the most petty thing you’ve ever done? Oh, I'm CERTAIN it involves Jason after the breakup, but I don't know the "most"... What is the longest you’d be willing to wait to have sex in a new relationship? I myself don't want to until we're clearly serious and long-term by that point, and I know for a fact they're in love with me like I am them. I don't care how long they want to wait, though. I said in a previous survey that sex just... isn't that important to me. It's not my most cherished form of intimacy. Who has had the most positive effect on your life? My mama. Are there any relatives that you are not on speaking terms with? What happened? Most of the family doesn't talk to my aunt's literally psychotic, manipulative fuck of an ex-husband. I don't feel like it's my business to share exactly what happened, but yeah, fuck him with a chainsaw. :^) Who was the last person to ask you to hang out? Did you agree to hang out with them? It was more like an open invitation to all of her friends, but I guess you could say Summer. I did. I honestly wanna hang out again. Have you ever had to take a stool or urine test? Why did you have to do this? Urine ones, yes: to 1.) test for UTIs and 2.) ensure I wasn't pregnant before surgery. Is there a food that you eat basically every day? What food is that? Not every day, no. Can you remember the first video game you ever played? What about your first video gaming system? I don't. It was probably something with few controls, like this Barbie horse riding game my sisters and I loved, or an Elmo game that we had on a demo disc. I think you had to follow a path on a pogo stick picking up letters? We had a PS1 when I was born, so that was my first. The last video game you played - did you play alone or with someone else? By "video," I'm going to assume you're not including the computer, in which case I think it was The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon, which I was playing alone. It does have a two-player option though that I wanna do one day. The controls are definitely meant for two people. If there is a disc in your computer, what disc is it? There is no disc. Do you shut down your computer every time after you use it, or do you leave it on? I always leave it on... Do you know anyone who has ever been in a movie? Who and what movie were they in? What was their part? Hm, I don't believe so. Describe the last shirt you saw that you really liked. Where did you see it? It was definitely some sort of graphic tee on Facebook, I'm sure. It was something with an opossum design and a short phrase. When was the last time you brought a pet to the vet? What was wrong with it? The most recent vet visit was when we got Roman neutered. Do you have any bug bites on you right now? If so, where? No. When you go fishing, do you make someone else get the fish off the hook? When I DID fish, yeah. Not because I was afraid to touch the fish, but because I was afraid of nicking myself with the inevitably dirty hook. Did you go to daycare when you were little? Only very briefly; my incredible separation anxiety from my mom made it extremely difficult. She very quickly chose our neighbors as my and my sisters' babysitters. I could handle that because I loved "Uncle Donny," the granddad of the family, and I could see my house from their front door. He was/is (idk if he's still alive) a wonderful man. Do you know what you’d have been named had you been born the opposite sex? No. Would you ever visit a nude beach? NOOOOOOOO THANK YOU. Who was the last person you dreamt about? I don't remember. Where is your favorite place to be kissed other than the usual place? Don't touch my neck if you don't have free time lmaooo. What is your favorite memory with one of your grandparents? I'm going to be completely honest: I have none that are exceptionally important to me. I only knew one grandmother most of my life, and we had a turbulent relationship. Would you date someone who has cheated in their previous relationships? Naaaaah son. What was the most drastic change you made to your appearance? Chopping 8+ inches of hair off. Is there anything you hope your significant other/future significant other never finds out about you? No. I don't want to keep secrets from them above all others. What are most of your Facebook posts about? If you're talking things I actually compose myself and not share, probably pictures of my pets, haha. Or small statements regarding political issues or mental health. What’s your favorite part of the song that you’re listening to? The beat. Who was the last person you got into a small argument with? Probably my mom, idk. How warm do you like your showers/baths to be? Pretty hot. In the past year, have you lost weight or gained weight? How much? Gained... and I'd rather not share. What year was the last car you rode in/drove? I have zero clue, but it's old. What’s your worst/funniest experience with one of your neighbors? The neighbors at my childhood home had two wonderful rottweilers, but one day they got loose and killed at least one of our kittens. It died in my hands. Mom was fucking livid and sobbing. Besides this occasion though, we got along with them. How much alone time is too much for you before you start going crazy and want to be around people? It depends on the day, really, and how entertained I am in my alone time. Generally, one day of total isolation (from people, anyway) is enough for me to want my mom's company at least or to be texting Sara. The last time you burned your tongue or mouth, what were you eating? A pizza roll burned my tongue just a tad. Honestly, are you shallow? Not at all. Besides clothes, shoes, and accessories, what’s your favorite thing to shop for? S N A K E S ! ! ! I could LIVE on the Morph Market website and "window shop." I love planning out the next morph I'm most interested in adopting. If you have/had any facial piercings, what side are they on? Any reason you chose that side? If you don’t have any, if you had to get a facial piercing what would it be and what side would it be on? I have a vertical labret on my lower lip that goes directly down the center of my face. I chose it because I love the symmetry. I've had my right nostril pierced twice, just because I preferred that side for whatever reason. What, would you say, is your sexiest/most provocative article of clothing? I don't own anything like that. I have zero interest in showing off my body. Do/did you have attendance problems in school? I was notoriously tardy for the first class of the day a lot because I was an absolute beast to drag out of bed all the way up to college. Does/did your parents ever go through your computer or cell phone? Mom did. What song reminds you the most of a particular day in your life? Why is that? "Where the Wild Wolves Have Gone" by Powerwolf is a strong one. I played it again and again the day Teddy was put down, even before we went to go euthanize him. It was my inspiration to one day spread his ashes at Yellowstone in wolf territory. As much as I'd love to keep his ashes forever, like, what happens after I die? And my sisters? Eventually, that container will lose meaning and probably be discarded, so I want to return him to nature. Do you have any close friends that were adopted? No close ones. Who, in your opinion, is the best thriller writer? Idk. Does your Mom eat meat? Yeah. Do you prefer thick or thin crusted pizza? THICK. Thin crust is an utter disappointment. Do you have any friends with the same name as you? No. Who has the prettiest middle name you know? Ha, I mention Alon a lot when it comes to beauty... I can't remember what it is, but I do know hers wins. Do you prefer it when it gets darker earlier? No. It makes me go to bed earlier. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? No. Are there any shows that your friends seem to be obsessed with, but that you just don’t get? Oh, loads. How old was the last child that you spoke to? She's six. What’s a song that makes you feel happy? "Pretty Woman" by Van Halen, for one. How far in advance do you prefer to plan? It depends, but generally kinda far. Do you always smile for pictures? With other people, yes. Some selfies, no, but usually. What are you most excited about right now? my MOTHERFUCKIN tattoo appointment in MAY!!!!!!!!!!! Do you prefer the aisle, middle, or window seat on a plane? Window seat, zero doubts. Where would you like to volunteer? I wanna help at an animal rehab. What was the last thing you ate? A strawberry and grain granola bar thing. How do you find new music? Usually YouTube recommendations. What’s your favorite city? I don't have one. What makes your bedroom special to you and what is your favorite part about it? It's a total nests of my various interests. My favorite part is my meerkat collection. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you shave your legs more than once a week? God no. I haven't shaved my legs since October lmao. Would you get married if you could right now? Definitely not right now. I don't have a job or my own place. What is your favorite type of jewelry (i.e. bracelets, necklaces, etc.)? Chokers. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to? No. I was wholeheartedly in love with him. What was the shittiest hotel you’ve ever stayed at and why? I've never stayed in a bad one, to my recollection. Have you ever gone on a boat and been sick the whole time? No. Have you ever kept something from the wild as a pet? A turtle for a little while, yes. Don't do that. Ever win first place for something? Yeah, a few things. What was the last thing you fell off of? Idk. Do you have a favorite local band? Who are they? No. What’s the most confusing book you ever read? The style in which Johnny Got His Gun is written is very confusing, but you adapt to understand it. Jumping back and forth from the past to the present can give ya some metaphorical whiplash. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? No. Has anyone ever called your personality dull? Do you agree with them? No. Have you ever personally witnessed a drug deal before? Possibly. Ever have an ultrasound performed on you? What was it for? Yes, for my liver. I can't remember what they were checking for, but I was fine. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? Colleen's house, yes. Have you seen all the Lord of the Rings movies? Nope; got no interest. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah, not for me. Do you enjoy being outdoors? Only if it's cool out, in which case yeah. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? Not anymore. I just think about the terrified animals (wild and pets alike) and traumatized veterans. Do you enjoy tanning? Not at all. Which of the seven deadly sins do you commit the most? Sloth. Did you have a Furby when you were younger? Yeah. Creepy fuckers. How long was your first relationship? I actually don't remember how long Aaron and I were together... other than it was just a few months. Who was the first person to break your heart? My dad, generally speaking. Romantically, Jason. What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone? I don’t know. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Yeah. What did the last key you used go to? The car's trunk. Is there anything, any event, you wish you could remember more clearly? I honestly do wish I remembered my "first time" because that's a pretty big deal to me. What’s your biggest priority right now? My mental health. If you’ve stayed overnight in a hospital, how did you entertain yourself? I've done that numerous times, and given there was nothing good on the TV ever, I just slept time away or read. Since every time I was suicidal, there were very, very few things you were allowed to have. Have you ever rubbed anyone’s feet? EW no. Are your hands unsteady? Yes; I have what's called an essential tremor in both. Are your legs long or short? They're proportional to my body. Is there a bookshelf in your room? No. Do you own a robe? What color is it? No. Who’s the last person you smoked weed with? I've never done it. Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? No. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else? Yeah, my sisters in the past. Is there anything you need to talk about with someone? No. Who was the last person who cried around you? My mom. Who’s the last guy to give you roses? Tyler. What band was on the last band t-shirt you wore? Korn. What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? Maybe snakebites. Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? Nah. I only ever really did once or twice when I had snake eyes. Honestly, have you ever purchased something, worn it, and then returned it? Possibly? If you could have your own house anywhere in the world, where would it be? In the mountains in a nicely wooded area with a waterfall close by. It'd be nice to have a small stream or pond too to sit or swim in. If you could create a holiday - what would it be? I wish the legalization of gay marriage in America was a legitimate holiday. Are you shy about singing in front of people? OHHHHH YES. Do you own a robe? Do you sleep with a sleep mask? No.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''voices'' by motionless in white

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itsdearsuga · 4 years

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Grief: The Story of My First Major Loss.

Growing up, I only went to 2 funerals until I reached my 20’s.

My Grandfather, who was barely present in our lives. He was a man with his own set of issues, and we always had to stay in the car when we visited him those 3-4 times.

Then my late Pastor from Mowing Glade A.M.E Zion, who had mysterious health issues and eventually left us once the plug was pulled at a local hospital in Charlotte, where I once lived.

I was barely a 4th grader when both of these deaths occured in my life.

I always saw death as a catalyst for sympathy. I never truly understood it, I just knew it was a huge deal. If someone died in a person's life, I expected them to be out of school for like a month and for them to cry every 5 minutes. I just knew death to be this sad thing that was inevitable in people's experiences.

That was, until Granny’s diagnosis.

She was an avid snuff user, and growing up there was always a can of that black tar like substance that she spit out by the fireplace. I knew she spit in there but we always stayed as far away from that cursed can as possible. One day my cousin, sister and I knocked it over, and I honestly thought I was going to pass away my damn self. She used that stuff for over 50 years, some say since she was 8, and once I was in college, we received news that she had an extremely aggressive form of mouth cancer. When you’re a certified pessimist like myself from time to time, you’d probably hear the word cancer and think of the worse. But for me at that moment, it was a little different. I tried to muster up all the hope in the world for my grandmother. She cared for me and all of my cousins, she was my coffee buddy every sunday after church, I always made her laugh and we always sat on those rocking chairs on the porch, listening to the soft windchimes that clanged melodically in the countryside breeze, or played checkers in the cracker barrel before we were seated to go eat… I remembered every bit of love and hope she gave me, and in that moment of hearing that news, I tried to return it all back to her. In all the things she handled in her years, it couldn’t be the snuff of all things that took her off this world. She held our family together, but unfortunately, the more sick she became, the more tensions rose amongst my loved ones. I never was the type that liked to talk in my family. It was a Hi then Bye kind of vibe when I walked in the room. Someone could look at my sketchbook, say I’m going to be the next picasso or something with an uncomfortable amount of enthusiasm and then keep it moving, It’s whatever. I only held long conversations with a select few in my family, but I typically kept to myself with a straight face. That’s where Granny came in with my nickname when I was kid. She called me “Suga” because of the irony of me being anything but. I hated that nickname for a long time, I thought it was to tease me, but she only called me that until, well, she passed. Her sickness was a long, grueling time in my life and my family’s lives. They fought over who took care of her, my aunts and cousins, and all I could do is watch the drama ensue or hear it over the phone from a distraught cousin all the way from Maryland. In the spring of 2018, our lives changed forever.

“Her tumor keeps coming back, they’re going to have to remove and replace the jaw.” These were the words I was told about the fate of my grandmother in the next coming weeks. This was also after she had ridiculous amounts of treatment. The granny I once knew as being a sturdy weight, eating alongside us , full of laughter and life, grew frail. She was always holding her jaw and groaning. She could barely say much without it causing her pain. It hurt like hell to see. I took time off of school and headed back to Charlotte for a little while, promising to handle my homework while I was gone. I barely slept that week. The hospital waiting room was full of loved ones during the operation, and I’ll never forget the moment before she was wheeled back. I was the last to see her, and that was the last time I heard Suga for quite awhile. Nonetheless, we played card games, visited the panera downstairs and anxiously sat and waited. Eventually, the surgery was over, and we went home while she was in recovery. Once back at the house, I only heard horror stories. One aunt said she looked like Emmett Till post surgery. I sat and listened to the hushed voices of all of my aunts as they talked about how she looked, but my mother hadn't seen her just yet. We were both worried and that was the first time I saw her cry. I could only hold her and try my best to reassure her that it can’t be that bad, but we had our own issues on top of this with our living situation, that would definitely be another blog post for another day. I stayed in my grandparents bedroom, anxiously doing my homework and talking on the phone to stay up and sane, drinking energy beverages and taking smoke breaks all night. It was hard, and I couldn’t sleep thinking about the major changes to a face that was so familiar to me. We eventually made our way to the hospital. When we arrived, I was definitely surprised. Her face was extremely swollen, and it looked as though her entire face was fused under the nose. I said nothing and when I walked in, my mother gave me a certain look as though it wasn't necessary to stay. I stayed. For days. If I wasn't by her bedside trying to teach her little signs in ASL that’d she’d eventually say whatever to and not use at all, or talking to her about how much of a pain in my the ass my classes were, I was in the lobby of the hospital, typing my essays tirelessly and staying sleep deprived. Eventually we went back to MD, and I only saw her from time to time when we went back home those few times. She didn't talk for more than 6 months, and phone calls were difficult, but when she got the ball rolling, she called my mom everyday and I eventually heard my nickname all over again. I was hopeful, until around valentines day of this year. I was working on a painting for her. One morning, she got really sick, with something like the flu, and the chemo and treatments were already too much for her immune system. I was at school that day, bitching about my work and getting annoyed at my dad's numerous text messages asking me where I was. My mom was in Greensboro for work at the time. I eventually came home and my dad told me to sit down.

Now at this point, I did experience my fair share of death, but nothing too close to me where I was broken. Nothing, besides Kaya maybe , but that loss broke me in regards to my place of empathy. And that story is another one in it’s own right. But I was truly oblivious to why my dad would need me to sit down so urgently. I guess a part of me was in a place mentally where I promised to see her again, and something in my psyche was reassuring myself that she wouldn't go anywhere until I could make that happen. Another part of me was too scared to hear what he had to say. Sure enough, I heard the worst. She was gone, and in that one moment, my entire world fell apart.

The drive after was the worst part.

I thought about the blackberry picking we did if we wanted a pie,

I thought about the times she took my scrap drawings and framed them, telling me that even the worst ones to me were everything to her.

I remember all the times I would hear my Nickname.

And everytime I heard it in my head, I was shattered all over again.

This was 6 months ago.

Now, I think I’m beginning to understand grief a little better. It feels like a never ending one way street, With an occasional traffic circle that doesn't tell you where the exits are going to take you.

Some exits take you on a beautiful scenic route, where you feel a little more comfortable to reminisce on the better days with that person, and some exits are rainy and disgusting. No matter how fast the windshields are going, you still can't see the road ahead even with the high beams on, and on top of that, you’re getting motion sickness, and it’s fucking brutal.

Grief is never a straight shot. It feels like one for a while, but the roundabouts are unexpected. Sometimes they show up after around a half a mile, and other times, they don't show up for about 7 or 8 miles.

Either way, they’re a journey that almost everyone takes, and it's okay if there's trouble on the trip because we’re human.

Love Always, Suga.

#Grief #Journal #Lifestyle #Blog

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birdwholanded · 4 years

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The Goldfinch (Spoiler)

If you want to read the Goldfinch for yourself to get your own understanding and opinion on it, read it for yourself before you read this because this is what I thought about it for myself.

Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch is divided into the chapters Boy with a Skull, The Anatomy Lesson, Park Avenue, Morphine Lollipop, Badr al-Dine, Wind Sand and Stars, The Shop-Behind-the-Shop, The Shop-Behind the Shop, continued, Everything of Possibility, The Idiot, The Gentleman’s Canal, and The Rendezvous Point. At the beginning of the book there is a quote ,“He’s telling you that living things don’t last-it’s all temporary. Death in life. That’s why they’re called natures mortes. Maybe you don’t see it at first with all of the beauty and bloom, the little speck of rot. But if you look closer-there it is.” (24) I like this quote because I can relate to this. My grandfather passed away from cancer in December of last year while my aunt was also very ill with leukemia during the time. My hamster passed away and so did both of my parakeets. I didn’t know how to take it when my parakeet passed away at the bottom of his cage with his feet up in the air. It affected me a lot. My mom took him out of his cage and made him a nice home in a box with tissue paper and clothes so he could rest nicely in them. My mom and I had a funeral for him and said nice things about him and the memories that we had about him and then I buried him underneath a tree in my backyard. My hamster was breathing heavily and his heart stopped beating one morning when my dad woke up. He woke me up by coming into my room and telling me that he had passed away overnight. We put him in a nice box too and buried him by my parakeet. I did not know how to cope with the avalanche of sickness and death that has happened to my family members and my pets at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. I grieved in my own way because it was a really sad time. I felt like I shut off and became angry at the world because I did not understand why things happened the way that they did. My family also lost a distant family member this year from a heart attack. People cope with loss in different ways too. It is very personal. I enjoyed the section of the book where his mother gave him the painting to keep and hold on to to remember her by. It is a keepsake and an heirloom. A mother was taking her student son to an art gallery in New York City but an explosion went off in the gallery while they were inside and everyone was rushing to try to escape the gallery. The son left, but the mother never did. She passed away in the explosion and the son has to come to terms with it and where he is going from there. He doesn’t have a home to stay at anymore so the social workers want to put him with his grandparents, but his grandmother’s back is going out and she can’t take care of him properly. He feels out of place and he doesn’t belong anywhere. “But suicide wasn’t the ansswer.” (93) He felt isolated and disconnected. He wanted to go back in time. His father is not a presence in his life when he is living in New York. He is irritated and cold a lot of the time. He doesn’t like to come home and wants to stay out drinking. It is described that he has a lot of stressors on his mind and that he even wants to move to Atlantic City and start over again. He is fearful. The son can’t look up to him because he doesn’t want to be involved with anything. The son is taken to a home where his friend is in AP classes and he is dedicated to his studies so he can’t do anything because all of his time is taken up. He watches old Turner classic movies to distract himself. Theo misses his mom and questions if he could have done things differently to prevent her death while he is staying at the temporary house. He wants to leave the house but he has nowhere to go. Theo wants to disappear and hide. He goes to therapy and while he is there he thinks about a girl named Pippa that he saw at the museum with his mom when the explosion happened. He cannot get Pippa off of his mind and he fantasizes about her. He meets with her and he finds out that she is moving away to Texas because her mother had passed away too so she is looking to start a new chapter in a new location. A fresh start. He gets to move in with his father in Las Vegas and is charmed by his father’s lifestyle. It is a completely different lifestyle living with his father and girlfriend than living with his temporary housing family Andy and the Barbours. He meets a guy named Borris in his class in school and Boris lived in Ukraine and Russia and he introduced him to that culture. Boris is a main character in the book and is almost Theo’s wingman. Boris is not a good influence for him because he introduces him to a darker lifestyle. Theo, the narrator of the story gets early admission to go to college and he goes into a European film class. His friends are taking classes like intro to Russian literature. The book, The Idiot by Doeskevsky is referenced too and philosophical things are taken out of the book and questioned by Boris near the resolution of the book. He has a painting called the goldfinch that his mother gave him. When the explosion at the art gallery happened, some paintings got ruined. He discovers that his friend Andy had died and he is contemplating death some more. I liked how the beginning of the book connected to the end of it in the way that it explains the characters’ fate and circumstances. At the beginning of the book he is in Amsterdam, but it is not explained why he is there until the ending of the book where he commit capital murder to save the painting his dead mother gave to him. “It was a social and moral lesson, if nothing else. But for all foreseeable time to come-for as long as history was written, until the icecaps melted and the streets of Amsterdam were awash with water-the painting would be remembered and mourned. Who knew, or cared, the names of the Turks who blew the roof off the Parthenon? The mullahs who had ordered the destruction of the Buddhas at Bamiyan? Yet living or dead:their acts stood. It was the worst kind of immorality. Intentionally or no:I had extinguished a light in the heart of the world. An act of God:that was what the insurance companies called it, catastrophe so random or arcane that there was otherwise no taking the measure of it. Probability was one thing, but some events fell so far outside the actuarial tables that even insurance underwriters were compelled to haul in the supernatural in order to explain them-rotten luck, as my father had said mournfully one night out by the pool, dusk falling hard, smoking Viceroy to keep the mosquitoes away, one of the few times he tried to talk to me about my mother’s death, why do bad things happen, why me, why her, wrong place wrong time, just a fluke kid, one in a million not an evasion or copout in anyway but-I recognized, coming from him-a profession of faith and the best answer he had to give me, on par with Allah Has Written It or It’s the Lord’s Will, a sincere bowing of the head to Fortune, the greatest god he knew.” (701-702) He describes going through drug withdrawals in some parts of the book and he talks about morphine, xanax, oxycontin, riboxycotin. He was snorting coke too. His father was taking vicodin which is hydrocodone. I didn’t expect for there to be so much discussion about drug use. The father relies on drugs to ease his situation. He got sober however. The father was addicted to drugs because of the relationship he had with his wife, the mother of Theo. The husband and wife got at each other’s throats and they would argue. He didn’t appreciate the situation he had when he was around her. He tried to escape. I think drug use is escapism but is also used for relaxation. Cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol are ok to use because they are soft drugs that put one at ease. When one starts to use hard drugs like cocaine, then it is not so good because they rely on it for its effects and get addicted to it. They have to get enough money for drugs too. It’s a cycle that is hard to break because one always craves the drug rush. I have smoked cigarettes and marijuana and I drink. I don’t care if people drink. I don’t care what people do unless it is illegal. I think that things are ok in moderation. The Goldfinch is about appreciating every moment in life whether good or bad, its ups and downs because it's a very rare and precious thing. One has to appreciate life because at any second one’s relative could pass away in a car accident, shooting, etc not to say that it will happen, but anything and everything is to be expected and can happen. The Goldfinch is a rare creature that moves quickly. One moment it could be here and the next moment it can be flying away and migrating to a different location with its species to be never seen again for a while. When I was reading this book, I went outside to sit in my backyard and continue to read and I had my parakeet and dog sitting outside with me. I went inside the house to get something, but my dog alo wanted to come inside the house at the same time while my parakeet’s cage was very close by. My dog was biting my pants trying to get inside the house first, and I had slightly kicked him trying to get him to stop biting me, but in doing that, my parakeet’s cage had toppled over into the flower bed by accident and my parakeet was free. She tried to fly away through a hole in our fence to get into my neighbor’s yard, however I was quick enough to come and get my mom to help save her, because I had thought that I had lost her. She did not go very far and was stuck in the fence. My mom was able to get a hold of her and put her back in her cage. I had fixed her cage after it had fallen down. It was scary because she could have easily been gone for good like my two other parakeets. My parakeet looks like a gold finch because she is golden and bright like the sun. I call her sundrop. Her name is Coronja. ‘...if bad can sometimes come from good actions-? Where does it ever say, anywhere,that only bad can come from bad actions? Maybe sometimes-the wrong way is the right way? You can take the wrong path and it still comes out to where you want to be? Or, spin it another way, sometimes you can do everything wrong and it still turns out to be right?....What if all your actions and choices, good or bad make no difference to God? What if the pattern is pre set?...What if our badness and mistakes are the very thing that set our fate and bring us round to good? What if, for some of us, we can’t get there any other way?” (745-746) This quote discusses predestination. The idea of if you will go to heaven or hell or some other universe. “Predestination is the doctrine that all events have been willed by God usually reference to the eventual fate of the individual soul.” (wikipedia.org) “Explanations of predestination often seek to address the paradox of free will.” (wikipedia.org) “Therefore as predestination includes the will to confer grace and glory so also reprobation includes the will to permit a person to fall into sin and impose the punishment of damnation on account of that sin.” (wikipedia.org) “It’s not hard to see the human in the finch. Dignified, vulnerable. One prisoner looking at another...the bird looks out at us…” (766) From this quote I get the idea of reincarnation and that animals do have human characteristics. Animals have little souls that are like people. They have common traits that cannot be denied. “...wade straight through it, right through the cesspool, while keeping eyes and heart open. And in the midst of our dying, as we rise from the organic and sink back ignominiously into the organic, it is a glory and privilege to love what Death doesn’t touch. For if disaster and oblivion have followed this painting down through time-so too has love. Insofar as it is immortal (and it is) I have a small bright, immutable part in that immortality. It exists; and it keeps on existing. And I add my own love to the history of people who have loved beautiful things, and looked out for them, and pulled them from the fire, and sought them when they were lost, and tried to preserve them and save them while passing them along literally from hand to hand, singing out brilliantly from the wreck of time to the next generation of lovers and the next.” (771) This quote talks about even though people are unhappy,achy, fragile, unhealthy and sick, there is still a bright side to things and to see things through, like my grandfather. My grandfather had given up in his elderly age and would lay on his couch and just watch the news or the stock market. He did not want to have that much of an existence when he got old. He had a stroke when I was ten years old and he could not get around that much and his speech was slurred. He had to go to physical therapy. The main message of the book is to say don’t take anything for granted and to be appreciative because everything can be taken away in an instant and your whole life can change by the small actions that you choose to make or not to make. At the beginning of the story, the main character is on house arrest in Amsterdam and it ties in with the ending of the story to say that he is on House Arrest for the actions he decided to make. He cannot appreciate the city of Amsterdam and everyone there knows him as a criminal. He got charged with capital murder and has to stay where the cops knows where he is at. People move quickly and do make poor decisions that affect them for the rest of their lives. Small choices have a great impact being if you commit a crime such as embezzling money, committing fraud, stealing, etc then you will have big punishments. It affects a lot of people in negative ways. People’s feelings can get hurt and everything can change for the worse in a matter of seconds. It is difficult to deal with death of loved ones and animals and even the idea of it is scary and hard to come to terms with. When there are situations where one is faced with it, he or she can make harsh decisions that they will regret later on whatever they may be. Things can be altered so much that there could be no going back to the way things were. Small events can have a large impact. In the heat of the moment though, anything can happen, and regrets made. That is why it is important to be appreciative and loving to everyone, because people can grieve over the loss of their pet, over their loss of money, over the loss of a friend, etc. Even if you don’t want to wake up day after day after day because you did have loved ones pass away, you still need to wake up for yourself and see the good in everything because there are so many wonderful things to appreciate and cherish, so many opportunities to be had and loved and memories to be made. Love the pets that you have and love your family and friends. Cherish everything because everyone and everything is valuable and meaningful and adds to the quality of your life. Theo comes to terms with his mother’s passing and grows from it and learns how to live with it. Donna Tartt, the author of The Goldinch, puts in philosophical ideas and examples in this book that I appreciate. She uses quotes from Albert Camus, “The absurd does not liberate; it binds.” What I understand of this quote is absurdity doesn’t make one free, it ties one down and wraps one up. She uses another quote, “When we are strongest-who draws back? Most merry-who falls down laughing? When we are very bad,-what can they do to us?” This is said by the French poet Arthur Rimbaud. I get from this quote that who is there to watch people fall when times are hard? “We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves.” is a quote by François De La Rochefoucauld. Rochefoucauld is a noted French author of maxims and memoirs. He is part of the literary movement of classicism and is best known for his maxisms. “It is not flesh and blood, but heart which makes us fathers and sons.” by Schiller. I like this quote because people have hearts and want to enjoy the good things and get past the bad things that happen. “We have art in order not to die from the truth.”-Nietzsche. Tartt grabs philosophical examples from The Little Prince in some parts of the book.

#thegoldfinch #book review

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chrmdnbeautiful · 4 years

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Depression... maybe TMI?

With what’s going on in our world right now, I have been seeing a lot of posts about mental illnesses. I know so many people that are affected by some mental illness and I know even more that have no idea what it’s like to be locked in with our demons.

My depression may not look like someone else’s. It might be hard for you to believe that I even suffer from it or anxiety. Believe me, you wouldn’t be the first. Depression affects everyone differently. For some, depression is no big deal, a mood... they might feel down in the dumps because of something that happened, but the feeling usually fades with time. For others it’s an illness that they have to deal with day in and day out, kind of like a persistent cough that may never go away. You can manage it, but not always be cured of it.

Some days it feels like I’m drowning. Like I’m in the middle of the Pacific trying with all my might to make it to the shore. I’m physically a strong swimmer, but sometimes, emotionally, I’m just too tired to keep swimming and I fall beneath the surface. Fighting yourself every day is utterly exhausting. My worst enemy is not some mean girl from high school who tried to ruin my life, it’s me, myself, and I. Logically, I know that devil on my shoulder, that looks and sounds just like me, is just a big, fat liar. But damn if she isn’t a convincing bitch!

There are people in my life that have a hard time believing that I’ve been fighting this illness since I was ten years old. You’re so happy all the time. Kids that age don’t even know what depression is. Ten year olds have no reason to feel hopeless, like they’re better off dead. All I can say is, tell that to any child who has suffered from trauma. There are probably a lot more than you even realize. I’ll give you that I didn’t understand what I was feeling back then, but I was sure as hell feeling it. There are people in my life that choose to look no further than the smile I plaster on my face because I don’t want to feel like a burden and they don’t want to believe I have demons inside me that I can’t defeat. Other people see what’s going on and what to help but don’t know how. I appreciate these people but sometimes they end up making things worse.

Members of my own family choose to ignore the very serious illness I have been fighting for over twenty years, the very same one that has led to three, let me say that again for the people in the back, THREE suicide attempts. They would rather believe that I’m being dramatic, seeking attention rather than have a serious illness.

People try to help when they say things like it will get better or you’ll be alright. I know all of that, but in those moments when the darkness surrounds me, tries to suffocate me, I don’t feel like I will ever make it out. I will not just get over the trauma that I suffered, I will always carry that around like a scar on my heart. It’s going to take a lot of work before I can live my life without the black cloud of my abuse hanging over my head. Something I have only recently started to do willingly. Therapy only works if you want it to, I fought it for so long. The third attempt at taking my life scared me enough to seek help on my own for the first time in my life. It’s helping, but it’s not taking the pain away. I can’t make it go away, no matter how much I may want to. People just don’t seem to understand that sometimes though, I just want to scream it in their faces, but I choose not because I know they are only trying to help. I just wish they realized I can’t just snap my fingers and make my pain and anxiety disappear. That would be a cool trick if I could though, right?

My mom put me in therapy when I was twelve years old because she knew there was more to the never ending rivers of tears and constant tantrums, the separation anxiety, and the unusual social distancing. She knew that I needed more help than she could give me dealing with the big feelings left behind by the abuse I suffered for so long. She was the only one that understood that I was dealing with a weight heavier than anything I’d ever tried to carry on my own, that if we weren’t careful that weight could crush me.

My mom died when I was sixteen though, taking the one person that could see through the smiles and into my dying insides. Since then, no one has been able to help me the same way, no one can get inside the haze of self hatred to help me. My brothers, there are six of them, won’t even acknowledge there is a serious problem. I’ve been on my own in the world and in the darkness since I was sixteen. Sure, there have been people that wanted to help, but no one ever sticks around long enough to get past my walls and my trust issues, it just becomes too much of a chore. And I can’t say that I really blame them. I get tired of the shit in my head too.

People leaving is something I have grown used to. People always leave. Even my abuser chose to leave, not because he got caught or because he suddenly grew a conscience, but because he found someone else to abuse. In his words, someone better than me. I’m almost ashamed that part of me was happy that he stopped hurting me, that he found another little girl to fill my spot. Not that I wanted her to hurt, but I just wanted to stop hurting. Then there is that other part, the part I’m most ashamed of, I was sad and hurt that he chose someone else. It was like I wasn’t good enough because his attention went somewhere else. How screwed up is that?! It has become a trend in my life too, I know I deserve better than the backstabbing friends, the emotionally and sometimes physically abusive men, the lying and cheating bastards who trick me. But what if that’s all I can ever get?

My husband, who I have been with for the last ten years (married nine), doesn’t even know the extent of my deep, dark hole because I have learned my lesson in the past, if he knew too much he would leave too. My brothers choose not to know what’s going on, but even if I did tell them, they would get the lite version. I do not want to be a burden, especially to those I love.

My mom was the glue that held our family together. She was the reason we had relationships with our grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Since she passed, I’ve rarely talked to the extended members of my family. None of them know just how screwed up I am and I am never going to tell them. The stigma of mental illness is like a glaring sign in front of me, don’t tell them because they will look at you differently. There was a lot of drama surrounding my mom’s death too, which didn’t help the fragile state of our relationships. My brothers (the two oldest were hers, the rest belong to my dad) and I talk but it’s never about anything important. Well, except the one time I had to have surgery because I felt they needed to know in case I didn’t wake up. We never go too deep. It’s more like hey, how ya doing? We miss you. How are the kids? The husband? Okay, talk to you in a few months. The few times I have broached the subject with any one of my brothers about my therapy sessions, it’s always why are you going to therapy? You don’t need therapy. Life is not that hard. Our family (both sides of it, my mom’s and my dad’s) doesn’t believe in going to a stranger to fix our problems. Must be that machismo thing. Filipinos and Mexicans both suffer from it. After that though, the conversation gets too uncomfortable. They don’t want to hear the dirty details of my trauma, and I don’t really like telling them about it anyway. First, it’s embarrassing as hell and second, I’m worried about what they might think.

That’s not so much the depression but the anxiety. I worry about everything all the time. I’m worried if I’m doing something wrong. I’m worried if I’m going to say the wrong thing. I’m worried if someone is going to take something I say or do the wrong way and hate me forever. I’m worried if I’ll be about to say the right thing. I’m worried if today is the day that I wake to find that my husband has left because he decided I am too messed up to deal with. I’m worried that my children will see beyond the happy facade I try to put up mostly for their benefit. I’m worried that everyone will see me for the fraud I am, I’m not good enough but I have gotten good at faking it. What happens when Dorothy looks behind the curtain to realize the wizard is just a man? What happens when they figure out that I’ve been lying to them for the last twenty years? I do everything for him, even the simplest tasks seem to fall on my shoulders. I give everything I can to being a good mom, and I feel like I fall short every day. Every time I raise my voice to my thirteen year old daughter who has been my rock since she was born, every time I snap at my ten year old son who has ADHD, I prove that I was not cut out for this mom thing. My kids are missing out on the childhood they deserve, the kind of childhood their peers have because I can’t function like other parents. My anxiety in large groups, hell my anxiety outside of my bed, my safe zone, keeps me from taking them to do fun things or even going to the park. It’s hard to enjoy an outing when I always feel like someone is out to get me, when it’s really my mind trying to beat me down. I try to be a good friend, but my family gets most of me, I have little patience and I’m irritable so much of the time, it doesn’t take much to set me off. I try to be a good sister but there is a lot of resentment there and even more worry about how they are going to react to something I say. I don’t know if they want to talk to me, I don’t know if they only do to appease some familial obligations. I don’t know that they even like me most of the time. I know they love me, we’re family, we share blood, of course they love me. But if we didn’t share DNA would they even talk to me?

Depression and anxiety are very real. They may not look all that bad because those who suffer from them are Emmy-worthy actors. Most days, I’m smiling and look happy, laughing my butt off so much that I’ve been nicknamed Giggles at work, I constantly have people commenting on how often I smile. So much so, they notice when I don’t. On the inside though, I’m exhausted and just want to give up. To be perfectly honest, if it weren’t for my daughter I would have been dead at eighteen. She saved my life. My kids are my everything, they are the only reason I get out of bed every day to fight a new fight with my demons. They are the only reason I go to work every day. They are the only reason I eat dinner every night, because I need to feed them. They are the only reason I get in the shower every night before bed, because I need to set a good example for them. The are the only reason I force myself to act like a functioning human being. Because let’s be serious, that’s all it really is, I’m acting. Day in and day out, I pretend that I wasn’t abused for so much of my childhood, I pretend that the pain of losing the one person I could count on in the world isn’t killing me every day, I pretend that the people who have given up on me didn’t chip away at what was left of my mangled heart, I pretend that I’m happy and that my mind doesn’t constantly wonder if those around me would be better off if I was dead.

My therapists and psychiatrists always look at me funny when I say that. Well, I don’t know how your children could be better off without you in this world. That devil I mentioned earlier? She is damn good at justifying just about anything. I’m screwing them up, I’m not a good mom anyway, they’d be better off with someone else raising them. Now, I do have an angel to match that devil sitting on the opposite shoulder, but she looks and sounds a lot like my mom instead of me. She is much quieter and only speaks up when the devil seems to be winning. Which I have to say hasn’t happened as much as it used to since my babies came into this world. The angel tells me that I have to fight for my kids’ sake, til the bloody fucking end if necessary. I can’t leave them with the memory of my suicide. As shitty a mom as I am, I am still their mother and they love me. If I kill myself, I would hurt them and I refuse to do that if I can help it.

My depression maybe not look like yours, or his, or even hers, but it is a very real thing. I can’t just blink or wiggle my nose and make it all disappear. I’m not just being dramatic or seeking attention. I’m tired of pretending that I’m not broken on the inside because the people around me are uncomfortable with it. I’m sorry but just imagine what it’s like to live in my head for a moment. On the outside, I’m cool, calm even and inside, I’m wondering if I’m good enough, if the person I’m talking to is waiting for me to shut the hell up so they can walk away. I’m wondering if they’re laughing at me, storing up details to retell to others later. I’m wondering if I’m going to look down on my funeral and see them there grieving for me. I wonder all the time if I’m going to die alone because I’m not enough for the people who are supposed to love me. I’m wondering if I should just go kill myself and save the people I love the burden of dealing with me. I carry these thoughts and feelings of inadequacy with me every moment of every day. The devil on my shoulder tells me every day, multiple times a day that I won’t be missed and she is so convincing that I believe her. But then the angel is there to remind me of the babies I brought into this world and how much they still need their mama.

It’s a constant battle in my head, for every demon I slay there are three more to replace it. Constant noise and racing thoughts in my head that I can’t always control. I’m pretty good at keeping that control, but every now and then my grip slips and the proof of this illness is there for everyone to see. Oh, you’re just having a bad day, right? Except, it’s so much more than that. It’s one of those hard days where I’m not strong enough to beat the demons back. It’s like I have a bunch of marbles under a cup, I can keep them in line while I have the cup and everything is good, I can pretend that I’m normal, I can smile and laugh like I’ve never had a problem in my life. But sometimes my demons are stronger than me, they knock the cup from my hands and my marbles go in every direction and I have to figure out how to corral them back under the cup before I completely lose my shit. Sometimes, I’m just so tired of fighting my demons and I was to give in, I want to let them rip me to shreds. Sometimes, I crave the peace I would get from death. Maybe, just maybe, if I’m dead I will finally be able to breathe, to rest.

I’m sorry this was so much. I’m sorry that I shared more than any of you probably wanted to know about me. But if you know someone with depression, reach out to them. Especially at times like these, they may do a good job of hiding it, but I’ll bet their struggling. You don’t have to fix them, just let them know that they’re not alone in this big, scary place. I don’t need anyone to fix me, I don’t need anyone to fight my demons for me, but it’d be nice to have someone to hold my hand through the darkness. Imagine being on a roller coaster and the scariest part of the ride takes you through a dark tunnel. I just need someone to hold my hand through the tunnel. I just want someone there to let me know I’m not alone. Because no matter how many people suffer from the same condition, no matter how many people tell you that they’re there for you if you need them, it doesn’t feel like it. Don’t talk about it, be about it. Don’t just say you’ll be there for someone, show up. Hold their hand, let them cry on your shoulder, feed them junk food, talk about silly things just to get their minds off it, take them for an adventure even if they don’t want to go. Just be there.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. <3

#depression #depression sucks #mentalhealth #mentally ill #mentalillness #mental issues #mental breakdown #mental health #mentalhealthawareness #youarenotalone #youneedtoknow #bekind #loveyourself #mental health awareness #trauma #therapy #from me to you

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thelastjaedi · 4 years

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TROS Rant

This post will contain spoilers for The Rise of Skywalker, so below the cut is spoilers.

The Palpatines Ultimately Win

Rey, a palpatine, ends up taking everything that belong to the skywalker family: the legacy saber, the millennium falcon, Han’s blaster, leia’s ex machina saber, the chosen one prophecy, the last skywalker’s life force, and their name/legacy. And her first act as a skywalker is to bury their sabers on the planet they all hated. The planet where Anakin was enslaved and where his mother’s life was stolen from him. The planet Luke could not wait to get off of and where his aunt and uncle were murdered. The planet where Leia was enslaved by a crime lord.

And the worst part is that Palptine gets what he always wanted: the lifeforce of a skywalker is used to keep a palpatine alive.

It Makes Everything the Skywalker Family Went Through so Pointless

If they were going to undo RotJ’s happy ending, they should have made the ending of the sequels even happier and more triumphant.

But instead, Anakin’s sacrifice amounted to nothing because Palpatine just lives on to completely wreck his family. Luke was a complete failure when it came to rebuilding the Jedi order. Palpatine manipulated/groomed Ben Solo since infancy, turning him against his family. Leia‘s wish was to create something better than the Republic and the Empire, but the New Republic was destroyed by the First Order. She wanted her son back, and Han sacrificed his life to try and bring their son back. Luke did too in TLJ. He gave his life to manufacture a situation where he could apologize and acknowledge what he did to his nephew, and in such a way to where Ben could not act out without ending up with another family member’s death on his hands. And then with the whole “salt purifying wounds” symbolism of the planet in general, it felt like the first steps to repairing this family. This story’s trajectory seemed to be about saving the last skywalker from the mistakes of the previous generation and in doing so, allowing the new generation to learn from those mistakes and build something new. Han, Luke, and Leia gave their lives to try and right that wrong and bring the last scion of this bloodline home. And when Ben FINALLY makes the right choice, he is excluded from the final fight against Palpatine via yeet pit, and then dies 2 seconds after finding the happiness and acceptance he was never allowed to have with Rey.

They Did The Character of Ben Solo So Dirty

They took a huge retconnish step back after TLJ paved the way for something really cool in TROS. He was finally free to be his own person, out from under the thumb of an abusive master, leader of his faction, and resolved rather than conflicted. Resolved to do what, we will never know—would he have acted as an anti hero against palpatine’s sith army? Would he have been dethroned by Hux/Pryde and have to operate independently? WHO KNOWS. But instead of exploring anything NEW with him, TROS has him reforge that mask (for no given reason), still be conflicted about everything, and have to plot with Rey to overthrow yet another abusive master. He just repeated his arc in TLJ, but with prequel-level dialogue with Rey and a RotJ-Vader ending. Except he gets NO LINES in the last act beyond “ow”. After his scene with Leia-induced-memory!Han, he essentially becomes a mute. Also that scene where Luke gives Rey Leia’s lightsaber, saying that she always knew Ben would fall so she gave it up and wanted Luke to pass it on to someone worthy? What? Give up on your son I guess. Way to destroy Leia’s character and make her look like a terrible mother.

And because of how exhaustingly how contrived the whole reylo angle was presented in general, the kiss scene probably felt REALLY forced for the general audience. Like the actors played the scene well—Adam’s facial expressions of utter hopelessness and regret upon finding her dead was absolutely gut wrenching. But his death happens SO fast: he meditates, she wakes up, they kiss, the music swells and you think everything is going to be ok—then he drops dead 2 seconds later and neither the audience nor Rey are given enough time to process that. It moves on to the celebration montage ripped straight from RotJ’s remastered version—AND HE IS NEVER SEEN OR MENTIONED AGAIN! Not even as a force ghost on Tatooine with Luke and Leia when she proclaims herself a Skywalker. Are they going to edit his force ghost into the scene 20 years later when they remaster this film? Or are we just going to pretend this character never existed and he was not the hero--because he really was the hero of this film.

Balance is Never Restored

Did that “Journal of the Whills” passage in the TFA book even matter? In the end, balance was never reached. The light won the day and the darkness perished. Again. History literally repeated itself. So what’s the next fascist regime or sith zombie that’s going to sprout up in 30 years? There was no resolution or catharsis between the two aspects of the force. It was just “Sith avatar Sideous bad, Rey jedi avatar good, don’t think too hard, enjoy the holidays and see you in 30 years when we want to see what Rey Skywalker is up to!” And you know that’s coming — they did not even give us closure to the Skywalker saga because they can always make movies about her and any of her false-Skywalker decedents! It’s SO UPSETTING.

I’m mostly disappointed because it would have been nice to see a resolved view of the force that is not so black and white. Like maybe the Sith were a perversion of what the dark side is: a cancer or parasite that has corrupted it. TLJ opened the door for so many nuanced and honestly really intelligent concepts that TROS just threw out the window for “cool force powers”. There is absolutely no “peace” in the force, it’s used with straight up aggression constantly save for the force healing/life transferring, which is overused in this film and has therefore lost any substantial weight in the story because of it.

Rey Repeats the Mistakes of a Past Generation

She literally repeats Leia’s mistakes. She is a Palpatine, but in choosing to hide that from everyone (besides Finn, I guess) by taking another family’s last name, she is essentially lying. That did not work out so well with Leia, who hid the fact she was Vader’s daughter from everyone besides Luke and Han. It got out, her political career was tanked, she lost the trust of a lot of her friends, and it helped alienated her son from their family.

And what is this nonsense about Luke and Leia having always known she was a Palpatine all along, but never said anything? Even though she was aware of Rey’s desperation to know where she came from and why her family left her behind? Did she just omit the truth from Rey just like she did Ben? WHAT? THIS IS SO HORRIBLE.

If they had to make her a Palpatine, why not have her own it and be like “it is not my bloodline that defines who I am, but the choices I make.” Which is a nicer message and juxtaposes with Kylo who accepted his dark legacy because he felt like he had no other choice—especially when everyone who was suppose to help him thought he is another Vader/a lost cause anyway.

I personally really like the message that she was no one, and you did not have to be anyone special to be a hero. I also hate how her bloodline diminishes her struggle with her affinity for the dark side. Her backstory as an abandoned orphan provided enough reason for her to struggle with the pull to the dark side. But this reveal oversimplified that and just chalked it up to her genes. And to say that her power was a result of her heritage, and not because she was a chosen vessel of the cosmic force is a mistake.

Rey and Kylo’s Force Bond is Terribly Misused

Their force bond (which was arguably the most compelling part of TLJ) was turned it into exposition fodder and weaponized. It was originally created for the purpose of allowing these two opposing forces to TALK to each other rather than fight. TLJ established that they could not use the force on each other OR harm each other through the bond for a reason: so they could communicate and learn from each other. It really felt like foreshadowing for some sort of catharsis or resolution between the light and dark aspects of the force. Especially with the whole spiel about balance, and how the light and the dark are both natural parts of life and the force (warmth, cold, peace, violence, death and decay that brings forth new life ect). That was such a lovely and spiritual interpretation.

But instead of expanding on that idea, TROS not only made them able to fight each other through it, but he took it to video-game-super-power level extremes. And it was just plain absurd. Were some scenes cool? Yeah, I thought him pulling the legacy saber out from behind his back to fight the knights was great, and the teleportation was hinted at in TLJ, but I hated their lightsaber fights. It was too over the top with the flipping and such. I really liked TLJ’s message that the force is not a super power, but rather a mystical force that guides you if you are open to letting it work through you. This movie just spat in the face of that idea.

And it’s so annoying that they described their bond as this mystical “dyad” that occurred because of who their famous grandparents were—THAT IS SO INFURIATING! It’s not the will of the force that these two people on opposing sides were linked so deeply, but because of their family legacy. Bloodlines are all that matter apparently—not that the force is working through these two similarly broken people in an effort to fix and balance itself. And ultimately refine the incomplete view of the force that the Jedi and Sith tore the galaxy apart over.

I also hated how the bond is described “two as one”, but then one dies without the other (twice!) and Rey can wound him without so much as a flinch. If the bond is really one life force/spirit inhabiting two bodies, shouldn’t they have to die at the same time? Or at least be able to feel each other’s pain? Or be able to share this life force they supposedly already share and both survive? Like you can’t kill one without killing the other, sort of deal? It just feels like it was hyped up to be this immensely powerful thing, and that in order to defeat Palpatine, they would have to do so together. But all that exposition seems pointless after one half of the dyad survives without its counterpart. And it is never addressed after. Like what even is the point of any of this yin yang stuff if yin can just die off with no consequences? Was the entire point of that plot thread meaningless exposition? And if the explanation is that Palpatine stole their force bond to revive himself, that’s straight up stupid. TROS will have wasted this unique connection that had so much potential for good and for meaningful resolution and fabricated yet another way to empower the already OP villain.

But if you pretend none of that dumb dyad shit happened, Ben Solo’s death is one of the ONLY things about this movie that makes sense thematically. I’m not happy that he died. I do not think it was necessary. But I am trying to make peace with the fact that it is a beautiful sacrifice. I always felt like their arc was reverse Padme x Anakin, and Anakin’s entire fall to the dark side was because he wanted to become powerful enough to save the person he loved from death. He never achieved that because his love for Padme and his motivations were inherently selfish. He wanted her save her so he could keep her beside him. Ben, however, rights that wrong and selflessly gives his life for the one he loves. He does so knowing that he will die, and does not even hesitate, because he wants her to live even if he can’t be with her. So in that way, and excluding the dyad stuff that makes his death confusing and nonsensical, I actually felt like it was fulfilling. Sort of. One of the only things that came close to feeling well thought out in that movie, I suppose. But it still did not land quite right because of how poorly it was orchestrated. I genuinely do not think people picked up on the subtle romance hints they dropped around those two. Like the tropes are there, but it’s almost entirely subtext and not something the general audience picked up on until the shirtless scene and even then it was more of a meme. But regardless of whatever romance was set up in the previous films, I felt like their entire arc in this film was dysfunctional as fuck and not cathartic at all. It was very juvenile and reduced to a series of “join me! No! —sword fight— Join me! No! —sword fight—” Did I enjoy some of their banter, yes. But it was not nearly as satisfying as their exchanges in TLJ.

The Retconning of TLJ and Extended Material

It felt like TROS was trying so hard to pacify everyone who hated the direction TLJ took the narrative. And so much of the movie’s run time is spent retconning what was revealed in that movie, with no explanation other than “from a certain point of view” loopholes. And there were so many tasteless digs at TLJ. The comment about the Holdo maneuver. Luke catching the lightsaber and raising that ancient, sea-corroded x wing from the water on Ach-to. Rey’s parents becoming nobodies to protect her from Grandpappy Palps. Leia unable to get a single ship to answer her distress calls at the end of TLJ, but Lando can fetch the whole damn galaxy in an End Game like fashion.

Poe is randomly a drug smuggler despite his backstory already being established as being a part of the New Republic’s Navy and having Rebel Heroes for parents.

Chewbacca already got a medal in the comics, so that scene was so redundant. Did the writers even consult with the Lucasfilm’s story team?

Leia was trained as a Jedi and only gave it up because she knew her son was going to turn to the dark side. It was already established in Bloodlines that Leia chose to be a senator because the galaxy needed her in politics more than it needed her with a laser sword. That was where she could do the most good. And she sacrifices everything--even her family--for the sake of building something better and new. But that sacrifice is reduced to her giving it up because she essentially has given up on her son before he is even born? I just do not understand why that flashback was necessary. Or why she needed a lightsaber. It is like it was included to pacify people who were upset with Leia using the force to save herself in TLJ, but an explanation is not needed because we have already established in the films and in extended material that she is force sensitive.

I don’t even want to talk about the vats full of Snokes.

Finn being force sensitive is cool, and I could totally see the potential in that from TFA, but it goes absolutely nowhere and his character is back to being Poe’s sidekick and Rey’s lost puppy. Rose gets absolutely NO screen time, and is sidelined the entire film to pacify people who hated her character in TLJ. I do not need FinnRose to be canon, either. I loved their development in TLJ because Rose challenged and progressed Finn as a character. And even though I always thought FinnPoe was going to be endgame, I never thought they would sweep her under the rug. Speaking of Finn and Poe, they queer-baited everyone with Stormpilot, only to give both of them hetero love interests. Finn and Poe have so much natural chemistry and meaningful interaction, especially in the last resistance novel that came out, that it was a slap to the face to see Finn psuedo-paired with Jannah/Rey and Poe paired with Zori.

Hux was set up to have all this ambition and a tense rivalry with Kylo Ren. But he gets shot by a random new character for helping the Resistance he hates so much-- that is incredibly nonsensical. There was so much potential for a First Order civil war between Kylo Ren and Hux, and he was hyped up in the comics to be a very dangerous adversary. What a waste.

Were there moments in the film that were fun and enjoyable, sure, but I find that all of the problems eclipse those moments. It’s really hard to find stuff I actually liked about it. C3PO was great, but I felt like him getting his memories restored removed the weight of his sacrifice. Much like everything else in this film. There were way too many fake out deaths for anything to be meaningful. The movie itself was, admittedly, gorgeous. The Death Star ruins was such a magical set. The soundtrack was beautiful as ever. But I just feel so depressed and sorry for the tragedy that was the Skywalker family after watching it, that I cannot even enjoy the parts that were enjoyable.

#TROS #TROS spoilers #Reylo #Ben Solo #spoilers #Rise of Skywalker

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even-in-winter · 4 years

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10 for 10 for 10

Rules: Answer ten questions, come up with ten questions of your own, and tag ten people.

Thanks for the tag @kissedbydragonfire , but wow, this was not easy

Question time

1. If your OTP couldn’t be together, what other canon characters would you want them to be with?

Ow, help. This is hard. Uhm.... okay i will try

My OTP now is Garcia Flynn and Lucy Preston. So, if they can't be together I would let Flynn have Lorena back in a second. He deserves a happy life with his family and baby girl.

Lucy however, i doubt a lot. Im tempted to say Wyatt, but I didn't like every version of him in the show. Sometimes he did things that made me doubt. So i dont know. I guess I would bring them together, but more the fanfic version of them if that makes sense.

My alternative would be Jess, both strong women, but @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels made me ship Jess with Amy, so that doesnt feel right either. (Read the roommate fic, they are amazing together! "Even when we're hopeless, at least we're not alone" is the name if i remember correctly)

I'm not even trying to ship her with Denise or Connor. Not for me. Nope.

So that kinda leaves Rufus and Jiya as alternative. I would never break up these cuties, so I'm going to put Lucy with them. Why? Because I can. Lucy would be in good hands with them.

2. If you could change one thing about your favorite fictional character, who is it and what would you change?

Lucy. I would make her a bit more confident in herself. Make her see just how much worth she has. She can be such a strong woman, she just needs to see it for herself sometimes.

3. Is there anything that you consider to be a lucky charm for you and/or brings you luck?

I have. My grandparents gave me a little silver necklace with a clover shaped pendant. They gave it to me when I was in high school to bring me luck on my exams. I do not believe in this bringing me luck, yet i wear it every time i have an exam or when something important comes up ( job interview etc.). My grandfather passed away last year and this makes me feel connected still. So, I do not believe it brings me luck, but I do feel like it calms me down and makes me more "mentally ready" for situations I could use a bit of luck in.

4. If you could live in any historical era (excluding the modern one), what would it be?

I would say modern times. All my favorite people are here, plus i would probably die after 2 days in any other time in history. I know how to handle swords, but thats a about it. I'm good in starting fires, but not when you need them. So i would burn down any camp i make within a day. I'm also very clumsy and daring a a but of 'je m'en fous', which is a horrible combination which leads to injuries more often than not. So no, better let me stay

5. Do you prefer blondes, brunettes or redheads?

Hmmmm... I think I'm going to go with brunettes, but followed very close by the blondes.

6. If you could save one beloved character from an in canon death by “moving” them to another show, what character would it be and what show would you “move” them to?

GARCIA FLYNN. I would move him to any show that can gives him the life he deserves. Ideally i would let Lucy or Lorena and Iris join him in this show, but I doubt thats what the question was about. I can not pinpoint a show right now, so I will gently place him in a show of his likings 😉

7. If you could go back and change one historical event, what would it be?

Honestly, i would probably be like timeless and change a lot. So its hard to just pick one...

8. If you were casting actors for a movie and you could select anyone, who is in your dream cast?

Abigail Spencer, Goran Visnjic, Henry Cavill, Maura Tierney, Rebecca Ferguson, Tom Hiddleston, and soooo much more.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? 👻

I do not. I never experienced anything that convinced me they could be real. I'm very sceptical about them. I like the idea that people I lost are still arround, but I dont really believe in it.

Also, i would totally make fun of people for eternity as a ghost. So maybe better if they don't exist haha🤷‍♀️

10. What’s the one thing you can’t live without while you’re stuck in quarantine?

WiFi. I have online classes, papers to write and for entertainment. I miss my friends and family so keeping contact and organizing groupwatches for movienight and chatting keep me sane.

Normally I would have said books, but it's been 2 weeks of complete lockdown now and I read 7 books already. I will run out of reading material soon and we have still several weeks to go😅

My Questions for you:

Yes they are weird. Yes I'm aware. Still, I'm bored and now very curious to see what your answers will be🤣🤣.

So, here we go 😎

1) There have been lots of crazy weapons made, such as the "Lantern shield" or " Spring loaded triple dagger" or "Gun shield" What is your favorite 'crazy' or weird weapon? (Doesn't need to be useful, the weirder the better)

2) You are an inventor. Yup. This is your life now. You invent things. Big things, small things, weird things, ... . What are your top 3 inventions?

3) What is the weirdest compliment you ever got?

4) IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY! Your favorite genie Winter fulfills your wish! You can now yell/swear/be angry for 20 minutes at the person of your choice, without consequences because they will forget it all after you are done or when the 20 minutes are over. Who do you choose and why? If you feel comfortable to share it with your favorite genie, what would you say?

5) If you could "kidnap" one historical person to stay 1 week in 2020 before sending him/her back to their time. Who would you choose and why? (To motivate, make them see what they did for our modern times or to hang out with. The choice is yours. Everything is possible)

6) SURPRISE! Loki, the Norse god of Misschief, has taken a liking to you. You can now pull one prank on a person/organization/country/whatever you like of your choice and nobody will ever know it was you, or if you want they will know it was you but you will NEVER be punished for it. What would you do? 😎

7) Post a picture of the most "ugly"or "useless" animal below. Like the MOST UGLY HIDEOUS OR USELESS animal you can find. Give the animal a name of your liking (Fred, Jeff whatever you want. Be creative) and explain, while using that name, why this is the WORST animal. (Post the real name of the animal in the tags so people can google this lovely thing afterwards if they want)

8) My condolances, your great-great-twice removed aunt has just died. She left you something, something very special. It's a box. You slowly lift the lid to see "...". (fill in blank, explain if you like)

9) ITS YOUR FAVORITE GENIE WINTER AGAIN! This time, i have a little dillema for you. In order to get a wish of your choice, you need to push on this bell. This cool little bell 🛎. If you do, 20 people die. You don't know for sure if they are strangers or not. Could be anyone. You even dont know if their deaths are peaceful or horrible. You don't know. All you know is that your heartwish will be granted and 20 people die. Would you do it?

10) WOOPS! YOU DIED! or better, people believe you are dead, but you aren't. What will you do now? Will you enjoy your newfound freedom or will you return to your normal life?

I tag: @ununpredictableme @kissedbydragonfire @mathgirl24 @celtrose-ish @garciaflynnanimal @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels @magnificentcowboypeanutpaper @princessamerigocreations @....

Anyone who wants to play, consider yourself tagged. No pressure, and if you don't want to answer all you don't have too. I'm just very curious to see some answers haha.

#tag game #kissedbydragonfire #kbdf #yes im bored #yes i had fun while thinking of those questions #im curious now #for both the answers and for who will answer #*evil laugh*#no your honor #i was not drunk while writing this #i ran out of alcohol after the first week of quarantine #send help

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freebooter4ever · 4 years

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my dad group texted my brother and i, highly unusual, and i think jordan was weirded out too cause his response was equally short and confused. on the list of things my little brother and i have never discussed, our dad’s relative interest or lack there of in our lives is pretty high. dad’s been messaging me since october, asking about stuff like where my next living plans are (which he has never done since i first moved out age eighteen), and i’ve only been vaguely responding to the point blank questions cause its just. so. weird. i think my grandpa’s death has shaken dad’s worldview a bit more than he’s been letting on.

he alienated my brother and i pretty much immediately after his secretive marriage to the bottle blonde rich bitch when i was 22. he kicked my brother out as soon as jordan turned 18, and when i discovered this by coming home one summer and seeing jordan wasnt in the house, i got so fucking mad that it was the first time i ever had a full out screaming match at my dad. and apparently this display of anger was when rich bitch decided she didn’t like me (probably valid, but also ironic because pretty much from birth it was known in my entire extended family that dad and i were almost identical personality wise, and both of us have tempers where we will not get mad at anything but frustration will build up and up until on the rare blue moon it boils over, and oh boy. watch out. those moments were the only times i was ever scared of my dad as a kid and i think it only happened twice in my entire life)(if she thinks im crazy when im angry, she should see my dad)

but i was crazy mad because while i was lucky enough to be put in therapy due to attempting to starve myself into non existence at age 13 (many many sessions of ‘family’ therapy with me in the center of a long couch silently trying to pretend i was invisible and my mom two feet away at one end and dad on the opposite end of the couch, and my mom doing all the talking, ranting and raving about how im starving myself to punish her. and then the therapist kicking both my parents out and trying to convince me to say a few words, and her finally getting me to realize that how my mom treated me was not normal and not something i needed to put up with if it made me sad and scared, and then the therapist realizing that i was still too sad and scared to confront it, and her and i coming up with a compromise where we would tell my mom that i was just ‘really attached’ to dad’s house and it wasnt that i was terrified of living with my mom or liked my dad better, it was that i just really liked living in one place instead of out of a suitcase and moving every week), and so had both the therapist and my dad supporting me when at fourteen i finally said enough was enough and demanded that my dad get full custody so i didnt have to spend every other week with my abusive mother anymore - while i got out of that situation, my brother didnt. i tried, he knew that it was my decision to live full time with dad and i made it clear he could do the same, but just as it was a given that i was identical to dad’s personality, my brother was identical to mom’s so i think he was more attached to her than i was. either way, he always refused and insisted on continuing to live between both of them. after i hit driving age, my dad transferred responsibility to me for shuttling my brother to and from my dad’s house to my mom’s apartment. dad’d lock himself in his room, or go to the gym, and i’d turn on an endless rotation of star wars movies for jordan and i to watch before i had to take him to his next week’s place (phantom menace was our favorite cause darth maul was just cool ok, dont judge).

anyway, the last day i ever stayed at my moms house, my brother was there. and i must have been twenty or twenty one because he would have only been around seventeen. but even at seventeen he was well over six foot five cause he got all the height in the family which was totally not fair but thats besides the point. so while i was there my mom flew into one of her alcohol induced rages, and took it all out on my brother. i had intellectually figured that all the anger my mom used to take out on me had then transferred to my brother once i stopped living there every other week, but up until that point i hadn’t actually seen it. she started shoving him, and punching him, and not enough so it would hurt much, because as i said he was well over six feet and she was barely five six, so he could pretty well block any thing she dished out. but he was cornered, and he looked scared. and i was hiding useless on the stairwell, crying, and begging mom to stop. and it only stopped cause jordan managed to slip out the front door and once he escaped mom went back into the kitchen, still yelling and angry. and i took the chance to grab my school bag and leave in solidarity. and my brother and i stood there awkwardly on the porch, me still crying, and him smoking and trying to look cool and not like he just got chased out of the apartment by a woman half his size. and i promised him we wouldnt go back until she calmed down, and that she was being unreasonable and he didnt deserve any of it, and id figure out somewhere to go. and we started walking down the sidewalk, but not together because we were never that close. he wandered off somewhere to smoke. and that’s as far as i remember.

this day came up in conversation with my grandma in the months after grandpa’s death, during one of our many three am can’t sleep conversations in grandma’s kitchen (grandma would wake up, i’d hear her get out of bed and wake up too. she’d make herself tea and eat some graham crackers and we’d sit together at the table feeling the third empty chair like an ache). grandma brought it up, because apparently, even though i cant remember this at all, i had my no/kia brick phone in my school bag (a minor miracle because i hated carrying around cell phones for the longest time), and i actually called grandma. and grandpa and her came to pick me up, and they found me sitting on a wall a block away from my mom’s apartment, and then we drove around till we found jordan, and then we all went back to my grandparent’s house. after bringing this up, grandma then, completely unprompted, told me something that child me thought about regularly - she said that even though her mom died when she was 8, leaving her to help raise her two younger siblings, grandma thought in some ways it was easier than what my brother and i went through with the divorce and my mom leaving. i used to regularly - not wish my mom dead, exactly - but wish i could pretend she was dead, rather than her just not being there anymore. especially since, when i was suddenly thrown into being her sole emotional and physical punching bag now that dad wasn’t filling the role anymore, a lot of the times being around her post divorce was not a good thing. (I cut off all contact with my mom finally at age 25 and haven’t looked back)

so yeah, i was fucking pissed that i had worked so hard to try to mitigate the damage i caused by leaving jordan alone with my mom for pretty much the entirety of my high school years...only to have my dad kick him out barely a few years after i left for college and thus putting my brother at my mom’s mercy. ostensibly my dad kicked my brother out because of his drug addictions, but my brother was the most mild mannered addict i’ve ever known. the worst thing he ever did was steal a couple hundred dollars from me, but he never got violent, he never got angry. other people got angry at him. my aunt once tried to fight him in a hospital elevator because he sold my cousin heroin or meth or some shit and my cousin ended up impaling a knife in his chest in front of my grandma, which is a whole nother story. but jordan was only nineteen when that happened. my cousin? thirty six. and a long time violent and angry drug addict with a record (he threw a book at his professor’s head and got kicked out of grad school while on cocaine once, which is how he ended up back in washington state and needing a new drug dealer - hence my brother suddenly getting involved) (same cousin later flew into a drug fueled rage in his forties and almost beat his girlfriend to death) (my brother was long since clean by then and had nothing to do with our cousin getting drugs at that point)

all this to say my dad’s rich bitch new wife didn’t think a drug addict and mentally ill artist fit into her picture perfect family, so dad started making it clear we were not welcome at family functions unless we complied with very strict rules. ironically, jordan was let back into the fold first partially because i can hold a grudge for a very long time and i was very very terrified of my mom and dad was the sane stable one and i had trusted him to take care of everything even without me there and dad had failed pretty spectacularly at that. im still bitter at my dad for his secret marriage and subsequent moving into her million dollar mansion and throwing my brother out. but also partially because jordan started following all of dad’s rules, got himself cleaned up (he moved in with his girlfriend, and i think being out of mom’s house had a lot to do with getting over his addictions), started studying computer science, found a really good software engineering job, suddenly dad approved of him. i also partially antagonized rich bitch wife by doing silly things like wearing black leather pants and the most provocative clothes i owned whenever i went over to their house. rich bitch was a very simple narrow minded person with a lot of prejudices. i imagine i was not seen as a good influence on her two younger daughters. and eventually they stopped seeing me altogether. even when i was living in washington for all of 2017 - the only time i ever saw dad was when he’d come visit my grandparents alone. the day before i took grandma on the train to move to ohio, we were supposed to all have dinner together at our family’s favorite place to eat out - crossroads mall - and the rich bitch refused to show up. that’s how petty she is. she also is so dumb she’s under the delusion that kids get into drugs if they don’t have dogs (????) so that’s why she forced my dad to get a dog for her spoiled brat youngest when the girl went into high school. my dad dislikes animals, so i will say one of the highlights of this marriage is seeing my dad become a dog person. the rich bitch and her daughters mostly ignore the dog, but my dad is so attached to max that he even lets the little puppy sit in his lap while driving. anyway, anyone who thinks dogs are the sole answer to preventing drug addictions can go to hell.

yeah, blah blah blah, to sum up its WEIRD for my dad to suddenly be texting my brother and i unprompted, and asking me about my life and my plans. i dont really know how to deal. i miss him. he was always the closest person in my life to the point where even when i moved away for college, i still assumed after i graduated i’d just move back in with dad so it was only four years being gone, cause why would i ever want to live anywhere else?. i kept thinking if i could hit some level of success that he would approve of, that maybe eventually i could become somebody his rich bitch wife would associate with. but that never happened, obviously.

#journal shit #christmas is family time right????

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siriuslycollins-blog · 5 years

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Parenting 101 For Rockstar Dads

Nessa Arceneaux (August 17, 1971- July 15, 1992) - Jared Leto’s first love, childhood best friend, and mother of his daughter Kaela. Originally from Lake Charles, Louisiana, she moved to Bossier City as a child where she met the soon-to-be father of her daughter. Their friendship grew for a decade but Nessa and Jared kept losing touch as the latter was always moving around; in the summer of 1989 the reconnected, going from friends to more than friends. In the fall of 1991, Nessa became pregnant with their daughter and died a few days after giving birth. Alive, Nessa was a beautiful black woman with a talent and passion for painting and music, playing the piano in her grandparents’ church. Until her death, Nessa was a student at Southern University at Shreveport, majoring in Early Childhood Development with a minor in Social Work and was a member of the school’s dance team. She was very popular and very involved in her school and community.

The Beginning - Fall 1991

Twenty year old Nessa Arceneaux paced the living room of her apartment as she waited for her boyfriend Jared to get home from work. Every few minutes, she kept pulling out the black and white pictures just to confirm what she thought was a dream: that she was in fact pregnant. Nessa’s heartrate picked up every time she heard a car pass by on the road thinking it was him. Was she ready for this? Were they ready for this?

Nessa was a college student who had just turned twenty two months ago and just started her junior year while Jared was still nineteen and working odd jobs after he dropped out of art school. How were they supposed to take care of a baby? What was Nessa’s family going to say? Nessa put the photos back in her jeans pockets after studying the gray blob that would soon be a baby. She concentrated on cooking dinner, taking extra care to chop up vegetables for the soup she was making; she almost sliced her finger open when she heard Jared’s keys turning in the lock.

“Nessa? Nessa, are you here?” she heard him call out. “In the kitchen!” she yelled back. Jared wrapped his arms around her waist as he pressed kisses to her neck. “What are you doing home so early? I thought you had that study group for midterms.” She turned the heat up on the stove as she dumped the vegetables and dumplings into the broth.

“Turns out half the class is out with the flu, so it’s just independent study.” Jared washed his hands before grabbing a juice box from the fridge. “I hope it isn’t that stomach flu you have. Looks like Shannon is coming down with it too. Baby, you should really see a doctor about that.” Nessa stirred the contents of the pot with a wooden spoon before turning to her boyfriend. “Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You should probably sit down for this.”

Jared was confused but sat down at the table anyway. “Okay... what do you wanna talk about?” “I wanted to talk about this,” Nessa answered, reaching into her back pocket for the ultrasound pictures and handed them to him; Jared’s blue eyes widened as he realize what he was looking at. “Nessa. A-are these... what I think they are?” Jared had never given much thought about fatherhood, he was still young but he never saw himself becoming a dad.

He didn’t exactly have the best examples growing up. “Yeah. We’re gonna have a baby. Are you mad at me?” When Jared looked up, she was crying, and he quickly took her in his arms. “Oh baby, why would I be mad?” They pulled back and he wiped her tears away. “I-it’s just t-that we never really talked about it much, so I just assumed that you didn’t want that.”

“Hey, Nessa, look at me. I never thought much about being a dad because I didn’t think I’d be a good one. You know I never had any luck with ‘em.” Jared thought back to his biological father who walked out after he was born; Tony Bryant later remarried and had two more kids before he died when Jared was a kid. Then his mom got remarried to a man named Carl who gave him and his brother Shannon his last name, and Jared finally felt like he had a dad, just like the kids he went to school with; then his mother and Carl got a divorce and he was back to square one, fatherless. “So you really want to keep it?” Nessa asked, sniffling a little.

“Of course I do! That’s my kid!” After the hysterics were out of the way, they talked about how to tell their families that a baby was on the way. “Does anyone else know?” Jared asked as they sat down to dinner. “Well, Jackie knows since she came with me to the appointment, and your mom, but she guessed it before I could tell her.” Nessa had told him about how she went over to Constance’s after her appointment to share the news but the older woman had already figured it out. When Nessa had asked how she knew, Constance only laughed at her and said, “by the time I was your age, I already had two toddlers. I’ve been in your position. Twice.”

Constance had then started crying about how happy she was to be a grandmother. Jared knew how much his mom loved Nessa, even treating her as a daughter and always saying how good she was for him. Before he and Nessa began dating, Jared was always out at all hours of the night after he dropped out of school and getting into trouble with the law. He had turned his life around, getting a job, and growing up to be the man he thought Nessa deserved to be with. Constance hoped that the baby would push them in the direction of the altar.

“How about next weekend we drive down to Lake Charles to tell my family?” If Jared wasn’t nervous about being a father, he was certainly nervous about telling the Arceneaux family. Her family, especially her grandparents, were very old fashioned, the type who believed in going to church every Sunday and didn’t approve of having kids before marriage. They were yes ma’am, no ma’am, yes sir, no sir kind of people, so in an essence, Jared would be their worst nightmare, even though Jared got on well with her parents. It was Nessa’s grandparents he had to impress, specifically her grandmother.

Nessa could see Jared was nervous about meeting her extended family. “Please babe? Fore me?” She gave him the puppy dog face that she knew he couldn’t resist, and saw his resolve cracking. “Okay, fine, you win. You always do.” Nessa smiled her bright white smile and slid herself across his lap.

“Everything will be fine Jay. My grandparents are stubborn, but I’m sure they’ll love you. And my aunts and uncles and cousins too.” “We’ll see about that,” Jared mumbled against her lips.

@blackreaders-assemble

#parenting 101 for Rockstar dads #jared leto x daughter #jared leto imagine

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crochetawayhpff · 5 years

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September

TW: Death is discussed quite heavily below.

The most bitter-sweet month for me. Or perhaps it should be sweet-bitter, although that doesn’t sound as good, considering the order of things.

I have such a love-hate relationship with this month. It starts out on such a great high, my daughter was born on the 1st. Light of my life. Someone I love more than I thought I could love anyone. I almost hate that she was born during a month that I always struggle with so much.

September 11th is terrible for all of its own reasons, but it’s also my husband’s birthday. So I always try my best to make it a good day for him, he’s had plenty of bad birthdays in his life, he doesn’t need anymore for me.

September 13th is my best friend’s birthday. The last time we celebrated it was 15 years ago.

September 23rd is the day my exboyfriend died. I was dating my husband at the time, but we were still friends, we ran around in the same circles as my ex and his death was so stupid, so preventable. It took me a long time to work through the guilt I had surrounding it.

September 30th is the day my best friend died. 14 years ago this month. I’ve had a lot of people in my life die, all of my grandparents, a few aunts, an uncle, my cousin, but this death is the one that can make me cry any time I think of it. It’s the one that has impacted my life more than any of the others. We were 19 when she died. I hadn’t seen her since we’d both gone off to separate colleges a few weeks prior. She was just starting her first year of college, a pre-med major and one of the smartest people I knew.

Even today, some 14 years later it’s painful to think about her and the life she should be living. God, I hope she’s proud of me. I hope she’s at peace and has finally battled all of her demons. And man, do I wish she was still alive. I would have loved to grow old with her.

She’s the person who introduced me to fanfiction actually. Showed me a Sirimione story way back before OotP was published. We were hooked from that moment. We would both print stories out (this was back in the days of dial-up) and put them on our music stands in band class so we could read while we weren’t playing.

We bonded so hard over Harry Potter and we were always discussing theories about the series. When OotP came out we went to Walmart at midnight and each bought our own copy. We called each other the moment we had finished it. Like 12 hours later. Crying at the ending. Losing Sirius was hard for both of us. We were 17 then.

It’s hard to believe that she’ll never know how the Harry Potter series ended. She died before HBP came out. She didn’t get to see Goblet of Fire in theaters with me. She didn’t get to see Pride and Prejudice that came out a few weeks after she died. It was our second favorite book. I went with a friend from college who held me as I cried in the theater. Steph and I had plans to see it over Thanksgiving break. We had so many plans that never came to fruition.

There was so much she didn’t get to see or do. I regret that she’ll never get to meet my daughter or my husband. That she’ll never get to meet my current best friends, who I think she would have loved as much as I do. That she won’t get married and have a family of her own.

The worst part of it all is that, while I remember what she looks like, I remember how she tried to dye her hair red to disastrous results, I can barely remember her voice. I don’t remember how she sounded when she talked. I remember her South Park impressions, but not her actual speaking voice. The one thing I can recall is when she was scared or nervous, she’d gasp and then say, “Oh, God!” That I can remember with perfect clarity. Because it’s what I’ve imagined her saying for over 14 years just before she died.

She was in a car accident. She was at fault. She was a terrible driver, she hated it. She’d gone to get her car for the weekend, it was a Friday night and she planned to drive home the next day. Her roommate dropped her off at off-campus parking and when Steph pulled out of the lot, she didn’t see a car coming. It was probably speeding, but Steph didn’t see it. He hit her head on and all I can imagine is her gasp, her “Oh, God!” then crash. I’m thankful she broke her neck. I’m thankful she didn’t have a painful death where she lingered for days. But that’s about all I’m thankful for.

Anyway, this is a long-winded way to say that September is hard for me. It’s such a bitter-sweet month. A sweet-bitter month. And that all of my fanfiction writing is basically dedicated to Steph. I wouldn’t have ever known about fanfiction without her.

We sang For Good at her funeral and it’s the most heartwrenching song for me to hear to this day. I always cry during it.

Here are my favorite lyrics:

I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWfHIo5-kU

#life #death #pain #best friends #i'll always love her

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mxltifaves · 5 years

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Taste for Danger Chapter 4

Sebastian woke up before anyone else, he had been doing this since he got here. Usually, it was to go into town and have a morning snack. The animal blood barely gave him any strength and it was making him weak, he wasn't used to it. This time was different, he got up and went to the library, for some reason he actually wanted to help Lizzie figure out the whole merge mess. He was starting to feel things for her, but he was trying to push it away. Sebastian pulled out a couple of books, one of them was about siphoners. It said the same basic information that she had told him. There was one person that might actually have information about this whole things, Damon Salvatore. He didn’t know where he lived, but he was the only person that might actually have information about this. He would have to ask Lizzie if she knew where he lived. After reading tons of books he went out into town to grab a quick snack before he had to get ready for class.

Lizzie woke up and for the first time in a while, she felt amazing. She got up and took a shower, before heading to class. After her shower, she put on her school uniform and went out the door. She went to go talk to her dad, he didn’t want to give them any answers about the merge, but she had to know. Before she reached her dad’s office she was stopped by Sebastian.

“Hey Lizzie, I was hoping I could talk to you for a second?” Sebastian said

“Sure about what?” Lizzie asked

“I’ve been thinking about what you told me, about the merge and I think I know someone that might know something about it. Maybe even how to prevent it.” Sebastian explained

“Who?” Lizzie asked curiously

“Damon Salvatore. Do you know him?” He asked

“Yea, he’s friends with my dad. I think he and Elena still live here in Mystic Falls. I mean she does have her medical practice in town. Why do you think Damon will be able to tell us more about the merge?” She said

“Well if he knew your dad, then he probably knew your birth mother. And maybe has any insight about the merge. It’s worth a shot.” Sebastian said

“Okay, we can go into town after classes are over. My dad already yelled at me for ditching yesterday. I need to go talk to him, I’ll see you later. Meet me by my room after class.” Lizzie said as she left to her dad’s office.

“Hey dad, can I talk to you for a minute?” Lizzie asked as she entered her dad's office.

“Sure, what about?” Alaric said

“You haven’t really told Josie and me anything else about the merge, and I want to know why. Don’t we have a right to know?” Lizzie said not knowing how else to ask her dad about the merge.

“Because I don’t want you to worry about it. Your mother and I have been searching for a way to avoid it. We just want you and your sister to not worry about it.” Alaric explained

“Well, it’s too late for that. All Josie does now is reading books about the merge and the Gemini Coven. Who’s Kai Parker?” Lizzie asked

“Where did you hear that name?” Alaric asked caught off guard

“Who is he?” Lizzie asked once again

“He’s nobody you should worry about. Promise me you will stop looking into this. When I’m ready to tell you, you’ll know everything.” Alaric said

“Fine, I’ll let it go for now. I’ll see you later dad.” Lizzie said leaving her dad’s office. After she left her to class, she needed to find more about this Kai Parker. He probably was the answer to avoid the merge. She needed to find Sebastian after class. After enduring her boring class she went to find Sebastian. She figured he was in his room so she headed that way. When she got there, she knocked on the door, but there was no answer. She opened the door, but there was nobody there. She made her way into the room to look around but concluded he wasn’t there and made her way out. When she was leaving, she bumped into someone. It was Sebastian.

“I’m sorry. I was looking for you.” Lizzie said embarrassed

“It’s okay, what can I do for you?” Sebastian asked, making his way int his room.

“I was wondering if you weren’t busy right now. I need to go talk to Damon Salvatore. My dad’s hiding something and I think he may know what it is.” Lizzie asked

“Yea I’ll go with you. Just let me get changed and we can go.” Sebastian said making his way to the closet and grabbing a shirt. Lizzie turned around allowing him to change.

“Okay, let’s go.” He spoke up and Lizzie turned to face him. They made their way to the outside. Lizzie realized something at that moment. She didn’t have her driver's license yet or a car for that matter.

“How are we going to get there? I don’t have my license yet and I’m guessing you don’t know how to drive.” Lizzie said

“I could just vamp speed us there. You’re just going to have to hold on tight.” Sebastian said. Lizzie got closer to him, putting her arms around his neck and Sebastian placed his hands on her waist pulling her closer to him. They arrived at Elena’s clinic in town. They made their way inside and looked around.

“Hello, is anyone here?” Lizzie called out

“How can I help you?” A woman responded

“I’m looking for Elena, is she here,” Lizzie asked

“I’m Elena, how can I help you, sweetheart?” Elena asked

“My name is Lizzie Saltzman, Alaric’s daughter. And I was hoping you could tell me where Damon was.” Lizzie explained

“You’re Ric’s daughter? Where’s your sister?” Elena asked. She hadn’t seen the twins since the opening of the school.

“Josie is at school. I didn’t tell her I was coming.” Lizzie said

“Oh, why do you want to find Damon?” Elena asked curiously

“Well Josie and I have been trying to learn more about the merge and my dad doesn’t want to tell us anything, besides the fact that when we turn 22 one of will die. I need to know if there is a way to prevent it.” Lizzie explained

“Damon’s busy right now. But I think I can help you. What do you need to know?” Elena asked

“All I know is that on our 22nd birthday Josie and I will have to go through the merge and only one of us comes out alive. Josie was going through my dad’s stuff and found a book and in it, there was a name written in the margin, Kai Parker. We also found an ascendant in my dad’s office. Who is Kai Parker? And where does this ascendant lead to? Is there a way to avoid the merge?” Lizzie said hoping she had the answers she was looking for.

“Kai Parker is your uncle, from your birth mother’s side. He is someone very dangerous. As far as I know, he is trapped in a prison world you and your sister created when you were younger. This ascendant leads to that prison world.” Elena explained.

“Why is he trapped in the prison world?” Lizzie asked

“Kai wasn’t born with his own magic, like you and your sister, he was your mother’s twin brother. When they turned 22 they were supposed to merge, but your grandparents kept having children until a new set of twins were born. They believed that siphoners where abominations of nature. Kai didn’t like that so he murdered all of his siblings, but Jo was able to save your other aunt and uncle, Luke and Liv. The coven tricked him into doing the merge with Jo. It was just a trick in order to trap him in that prison world. But after a couple of years, he escaped and performed the merge with Luke and he died. Kai became the leader of the coven, but he killed himself and turned into a vampire. Since he was a siphoner he could draw magic from his vampirism side and turn into a Heretic, half-witch half-vampire. When he died, the whole Gemini coven died along with him. Damon killed him after that. But when you two were about 5 he escaped from hell and tried to kill you and your sister. Bonnie helped you create a prison world where he couldn’t escape from. From what I know the only way to avoid the merge if you were to turn into a vampire. Caroline and Ric will figure out a way to help you avoid the merge. Trust them, they will save you and your sister. Just wait until they tell you more.” Elena said

“Thank you for telling me all this. I’ve just been a little on edge over this. I know that if they don’t figure out how to avoid the merge then I will die. My dad and Josie both know that she’s the stronger twin, so when the time comes I will die.” Lizzie said

“That won’t happen. They will figure something out.” Elena said giving Lizzie a reassuring smile.

“Well I have to get back to campus before my dad realizes I’m gone,” Lizzie said

“Well, it was good to see you. You should come by more often and bring your sister. Bye Lizzie” Elena said and Lizzie waved goodbye at Elena and made her way out the door with Sebastian behind her.

“That was a lot to take in. Are you okay?” Sebastian asked

“Yea I mean it was a lot but I’m glad I know part of the truth. But I should be asking you, do you still want to hang out with me after knowing my family is full of psychotic killers?” Lizzie said

“There is nothing that would change the way I feel about you. Plus all this just made you that much interesting.” Sebastian said giving her a smile.

“Shut up. And how do you feel about me?” Lizzie asked

“Well for starters I like you, since the first moment we met. You’re beautiful, kind, loyal and strong, and you don’t even realize it. There’s something special about you.” Sebastian said

“I like you too,” Lizzie said smiling and continued walking

“Can I make you something?” Lizzie said

“Sure what is it?” He responded

“How does it feel being a vampire?” She asked Sebastian looked stunned about what she had asked.

“It’s a gift and a curse. On one hand, everything is heightened, your sense of smell, your hearing, feelings. You look at things differently than when you were alive it's just better. Plus you get strength and speed. But the worst part of being a vampire is the hunger. Sometimes the hunger overtakes your whole body you can’t control it. Why are you asking?” He explained

“If there is no other way to stop the merge, then the only option would be for either Josie or me to turn into a vampire,” Lizzie said

“I think you should only consider it if you have exhausted all other options. Okay?” Sebastian said

“Fine, I’ll try not to think about it.” She responded. Sebastian vamped speed them back to the school.

“Do you just want to hang out for a while, I just don’t want to be alone.” She asked

“Sure, what do you want to do?” He asked

“Can we just hang out in your room, Josie is probably in my room and I don’t want to explain to her what I just found out,” Lizzie said

“Yeah sure,” He said leading them to his room. They made entered his room and Lizzie sat on his bed. Sebastian sat next to her. Lizzie turned to face him and got closer to him, to the point where their lips were about to touch. Sebastian closed the gap between them. Lizzie threw her arms around his neck to push him closer to her. Sebastian wrapped his arms around her waist. Their kiss quickly turned into a hot makeout session. Sebastian flipped them around so Lizzie was on the bottom and he was on top. Lizzie’s hands started to roam Sebastian’s body until they got to the hem of his shirt. She started to pull it up and over his head. Sebastian did the same to Lizzie’s shirt. He started to spread kisses on Lizzie’s neck, but he started to feel himself losing control and the hunger was starting to take over. He pulled away from her and threw himself across the room.

“What’s wrong?” Lizzie asked confused

“I can’t, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t control my bloodlust. I don’t want to hurt you.” Sebastian said

“I trust you. You won’t hurt me.” Lizzie said kissing him once again. For the rest of that afternoon they spend the day intertwined with each other. After they fell asleep in each other's arms.

Sebastian didn’t understand what was happening to him. But whatever it was he had to forget about the feeling that he was starting to have for Lizzie. He was closer to getting what he wanted and that was for Lizzie to allow herself to become the darkest parts of her, the ones she fear and tries to push out. And now he knew how to do that, he would have to turn her into a vampire.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13391460/1/Taste-for-Danger

#legacies #lizzie saltzman #sebastian

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godblessthefool · 5 years

Note

2, 4, 6, 8, 10, and 12.

This is extremely belated because somehow I missed the notification for the ask :/

2. Any family?

Beatrice does have family, but none she’s particularly close to even by the start of the plague. I generally head canon that her family on both sides was of a highly-placed/old-blood Vesuvian family originally, but no relatives that she has personal ties to except her “Aunt” (more of an extended maternal cousin /informally adopted family friend of unknown exact relation) Demetra Altimari, were living there by the time Beatrice was born.

Beatrice’s parents had been raised in a different, much less magic-friendly city state by the time she was born, and they were divorced when she was young. She lived primarily with her father, who began sending her on summer trips to Demetra not so that she could learn magic, but so that she could learn to hide it.

This is pretty much the opposite of what Beatrice did, especially after she met Asra, and eventually her father sent a letter very coolly suggesting that she remain in Vesuvia if she insisted on practicing magic. Her mother wasn’t in a position to support her, so that’s more or less what she did.

In order to protect herself emotionally, Beatrice let herself fall away from any other family members except Demetra. After Demetra died on an expedition, Beatrice was left with the shop and no real practical family except her found family in Asra and to some extent Muriel. Her family never really followed up during the plague days, and she never felt the need to seek them out once Asra told her what little he knew of them.

Theoretically she has a younger half-brother or two out there, and she’s technically cousin to some of the respectable families of Vesuvia, but the former are luke warm towards her, and the latter barely know of her due to some of her grandparents’ decisions.

4. Asra, Nadia or Julian?

Okay, so I have trouble imagining any verse where Beatrice isn’t with Asra, tbh, to the point where even like playing Muriel’s route I’m head canoning a poly relationship because he’s my personal favorite but her “canon” verse she doesn’t have to chose; she’s with Nadia and Asra both.

Nadi’s drive and reformist tendencies and bold plans are captivating to her, and then she gets caught up in just how deeply thoughtful Nadia is about serious matters, how intelligent Nadia is, how easily they can fall into talking for hours, when Beatrice is not normally a high empathy easily socializing person. Then she starts to notice Nadia’s beauty and eventually she even warms to Nadia’s generosity, although it frightens her at first.

Asra is a piece of her heart she can’t fully explain away. She fell for his magic and his cleverness first- she fell into competition working new spells with him first, then fell in love later- but he draws out the soft touches she normally has difficulty with by making her feel safe and being so open with his own tenderness.

6. Favorite color?

A pale sage green or wine red, though she dresses in more black than anything and prefers amethyst gemstones, which tend to clash with those colors.

8. Sexuality?

Definitely panromantic, Possibly on the demi or grey-ace spectrum, but possibly not; I haven’t finished deciding how much to project on this character.

10. Favorite season?

The first early days of fall, just after the worst of the summer heat, when the days are still mostly long but the whole city seems to be sighing in relief at the return of a cooler breeze.

12. Favorite place in Vesuvia?

Probably their shop up until she sees Nadia’s library for the first time, at which point Portia probably has to pry her out with specialty tools to get her away from the books, as Vesuvia doesn’t have a public library. The floating market is a close second though.

#Beatrice Marchesi #Fan Apprentice #The Arcana #clingy-ghost

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theleastcarefulofgamedevs · 5 years

Note

hehehehehehehehe ur turn. overshare pals

hehe im lov u ceec :)

---

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

water bottles and soda cans!

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

chocolate.... im lov it

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy!

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

hardworking, earnest, and honestly? they gave me too much credit ebagweaganegioawnegew

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

soda bottles!

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

somewhere between boho, goth, and grunge hehe

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphones!

8. movies or tv shows?

movies,,

9. favorite smell in the summer?

you know that wet pavement smell after it rains? love that

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

dodgeball hehehe

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

nothin tbh. i don’t wake up early enough for it

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Writing Music! i made it hehehe

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

GUMMY BEARS AND JELLY BEANS

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

“A Child Called ‘It’“ by Dave Pelzer

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

cuddled up to someone in blankets,,, im lov anything with my s/o tbh

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

i have this beat up pair of blue slip ons that have bloodstains on em bc i got a nosebleed one day bwaeiugbaweugbaweubguaw

18. ideal weather?

post-raining, or like. just before it starts raining

19. sleeping position?

anything with my s/o or bein wrapped in like. a billion blankets

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

on my home pc in my room!

21. obsession from childhood?

dice and video games!

22. role model?

i know it’s gonna sound dumb but like. a lot of characters from media have influenced me a lot, like sans/komaeda etc. another one from my real life would be my aunt on my mom’s side!

23. strange habits?

i bounce my leg while listening to music or stressed,, that’s abt it. OH and i like twirling a small blanket around on my arm bc... acrobatics of sorts

24. favorite crystal?

amethyst, but anything clean cut and rounded looks rlly nice imo,,

25. first song you remember hearing?

the first day i remember in my life was christmas at my grandma’s when i was 4, so probably random christmas music ubwegebwgwebgoibgweg

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

sometimes when i get tired of sitting around at home i like to walk down to the dog park by my house!

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

cuddle,,,,,,,,,,, wrap up in a blanket with some freshly baked cookies n just. be there

28. five songs to describe you?

megalovania, medley rush 2 from the sonic rush ost, the promised neverland english op, metal crusher from undertale, metal scratchin’ from sonic rush

29. best way to bond with you?

just talk to me! im godawful at starting convos but i love talkin to ppl!

30. places that you find sacred?

every person’s room feels that way, as well as obvious places, like churches n whatnot. we went n visited my aunt’s old house so my mom could pick up some stuff and being in her room after she died in 2015 was just like. an emotion i can’t rlly describe

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

hoodie, trackpants, n sneakers hehe

32. top five favorite vines?

back at it again @ krispy kreme, ADAM, they were roommates, two dudes in a hot tub, my croissant

33. most used phrase in your phone?

either “be there soon” or “ily”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

none tbh. i don’t watch much tv so i don’t see ads often

35. average time you fall asleep?

either 10:30 or sometime after midnight. no in between

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

it was a rage comic

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

suitcase!

38. lemonade or tea?

lemonade, but i LOVE tea!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

LEMON CAKE....

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

i was walkin in the halls with my friend and someone dropped a styrofoam cup of pasta on my friend’s head from the second floor awbegiuawbeguiawbguaewg

41. last person you texted?

the person who sent this ask heheheheh

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

jacket pockets!

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

hoodie!

44. favorite scent for soap?

anything really, but i like whatever my s/o uses bc it would remind me of them!

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

fantasy!

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

underwear tbh. like. that and a tshirt or just underwear is the only way i can sleep

47. favorite type of cheese?

sensory issues say i have to hate all kinds of cheese outside of like. grilled cheese so let’s go with that/cheddar

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

dragonfruit!

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

GOD pretty much every quote from monomi or chiaki in danganronpa 2, but mostly “if you learn to love yourself, that love will continue to carry you for your whole life! love, love...”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

OH HERES A FUCKIN STORY OK so i was at my friend’s house with a bunch of others bc we were doin a sleepover type thing and we were eating raising canes in his attic at like 3 am and some guy high on like. 3 different drugs at once got impaled through the leg on his fence. nobody saw him but we knew he was there and the cops were there in like 3 minutes. that very same friend has some of the most wack stories ngl

51. current stresses?

just doing well in school and making sure my s/o is happy!

52. favorite font?

comic sans.......................... im sorry

53. what is the current state of your hands?

my palms b sweaty but my fingers are dehydrated tbh. typin

54. what did you learn from your first job?

work.... difficult

55. favorite fairy tale?

probably the princess and the frog!

56. favorite tradition?

christmas!

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

probably my most noteworthy traumas tbh. gettin therapy for em, too

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

writing, my ability to overcome obstacles, being able to help ppl as well as i can, and making friends fast!

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Not dead yet.”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Probably either shounen, romance, or moe,,,,

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“It’s a beautiful day outside. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming. On days like these, kids like you... should be burning in hell.”

62. seven characters you relate to?

sans, komaeda, makoto naegi, komaru naegi, toko fukawa, chiaki nanami, and chihiro fujisaki!

63. five songs that would play in your club?

they’d all be fall out boy tbh. that and videogame osts

64. favorite website from your childhood?

armor games hehe

65. any permanent scars?

i don’t think so? at least, not yet

66. favorite flower(s)?

roses and anything blue!

67. good luck charms?

my dice sets!

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

vanilla york peppermint patties... gross

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

pikmin in pikmin 1 who are underneath a bridge when it’s completed are killed because they get pushed through the ground

70. left or right handed?

right handed!

71. least favorite pattern?

probably the hellish bumpy pattern all teachers have all over their fuckin classrooms

72. worst subject?

math

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

chicken nuggets in milkshake... good. or frankly just like. cooked chicken mixed with anythin cold like ice or ice cream

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

like. 3 or 4

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i was eating a crunch bar and it fell out hehe

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

I WOULD DIE FOR FRENCH FRIES.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

any small blooming plant, like a single rose or flower!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

hrm. coffee from a gas station tbh

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

NEITHER LOOK GOOD LMAO and i don’t have a driver’s license. that’s just like. a prediction

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

jewel tones!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

lightning bugs!

82. pc or console?

either works but i spend more time on pc!

83. writing or drawing?

writing, but i like both!

84. podcasts or talk radio?

talk radio, but i love podcasts like TAZ or Critical Role!

84. barbie or polly pocket?

neither? but probably barbie bc it’s more well known? idk

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology!

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cupcakes all the way b

87. your greatest fear?

me being the last person i know alive. i’d rather die than outlive everyone

88. your greatest wish?

i hope that no matter what there is after we die, i get to be with the people that are most important to me.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

my s/o and family tbh

90. luckiest mistake?

buying danganronpa bweguowabguawebogbaweibg

91. boxes or bags?

boxes!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights!

93. nicknames?

i go by wes, dev, bines, anything rlly

94. favorite season?

spring!

95. favorite app on your phone?

tumblr hehe

96. desktop background?

it’s the ddlc cast! it’s a greyscaled image of four of the events cut together and their eyes glow hehe

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

only one, and it’s my dads bc i have to call him every time i go to my grandparents’ hehe

98. favorite historical era?

probably the one we’re in now tbh, but like. also hate it

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