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codezeta-liveblog-blog · 5 years

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Damages 2.2 - Voting, walking, reading and planning

Diving right back in after the last chapter. Going to see precisely how people react to Blake's announcement.

> I could see the looks on their faces. The adults had damn good poker masks, but even they were showing that my words had had an effect. A woman in the Behaim circle reached for her husband’s hand, without taking her eyes off me, as though she thought she were the only one reaching for a measure of security. Except almost everyone had a little clue like that. The kids most of all. > > I’d give three groups safe passage. Somehow, with the how of it to be negotiated when I’d done more research. > > It was interesting, to see how they all reacted to that tidbit. I tried to take it in, taking note of who’d reacted the most. Who was most insecure? Who was more secure? The responses they offered and the scale of those responses told me a lot. > > The Duchamps were good at hiding their emotions. Even down to the eight or ten year old girls sitting beside their mothers, they showed less of a reaction than many of the Behaim adults did on the other side of the aisle. > > Johannes was still smiling, and the girl Maggie was leaning forward now, clearly interested. > > The girl Laird had referred to as a terrorist and the guy I wasn’t supposed to interact with under any circumstances. > > “Hey, that sort of sounds like a threat,” a girl said. > > I turned my head to see the witch hunter. She held a gun. > > “No, Eva,” the boy said. “It wasn’t.” > > She pointed the gun at me. I was so focused on the forces arrayed on the benches and around the edges of the room that it took me a moment to process what that meant. A slight pull on the trigger, and I was gone. > > Fuck, she had her finger on the trigger. > > “Someone say the word,” Eva said. “Threatening people, could be out of control. Say the word, tell me he’s too dangerous to leave alive.”

A bit of a trigger-happy person isnt her? I dont see much of a future partnership coming from the witch hunters. They seem almost eager to just end everyone if they could get away with it.

> “No,” Laird cut in. “Not with the things Rose might have put in place. If there are special measures at work, we can’t act.” > > Eva dropped the gun to point it at the floor. She smiled at me when I looked up at her face. > > “Are you assuming he’s telling us the truth,” the Duchamp family’s leader said. The blonde woman I’d seen talking to Laird. She looked like the sort of person who would be the queen bitch at PTA meetings. > > “I can’t lie,” I said. > > “That doesn’t mean you’re telling us the truth,” she said. > > “I’m pretty sure that’s what it means,” I said. > > “What you’re saying and what you’re telling us are very different things,” she said. “Why are you focused on your seat? You left something behind.” > > Right. Enchantress. She could see the connections between things. > > “I have help,” I said. “Help my grandmother left me.” > > I could see her eyes studying me. Roving over my body, my clothes, and very pointed locations around me. > > “Yes. A companion.” > > “A vestige,” Laird said. > > Vestige? > > “Of Rose?” the North End Sorcerer asked, his eyebrows raised. > > “Yes,” Padraic spoke out loud, at the same Laird said, “I don’t think so.” > > I could see a few glances being exchanged at that discrepancy. > > “There is something else out there,” she said. “Back in the house. It’s not cooperating with him at this point in time.” > > Damn.

Good that she cant see exactly what. Its just open enough that it doesnt exactly muck with the entire plan.

> “That’s not reassuring,” Johannes said. “Just the opposite. A mad dog running rampant is often scarier than a dog on a leash being set on targets.” > > “It depends on who’s holding the leash, doesn’t it?” I asked. > > The Sorcerer dipped his head in a single nod, “It does. Which is why I said often. At this point, from the sense I have of you, I would be more concerned about an unleashed dog than an attack dog at your control.” > > I was very, very aware of all the eyes on me. Many of which were inhuman. One small disparaging remark, but there were a lot of ears to hear it. > > “I’ve said most of what I needed to say…” I told them, trailing off as I tried to collect my thoughts. I thought of what I’d seen in the visions. The way Laird had talked about sitting back, there being no need to act. In the end, it had been someone else that had set those bird-skull things on me. > > They were cooperating. Taking turns, negotiating with each other. > > I needed to put a stop to that. Or throw a wrench into it. And I had to think of Molly. > > “…I’m making one more offer. An altered version of the deal I just gave you. I’m willing to do what I can to protect you against any of my grandmother’s demons that happen to run rampant, and I’d still give you free reign to come after me. I’ll protect an enemy, if my condition is met. Identify the person responsible for my cousin’s death. This deal, obviously, is off the table if you did it.” > > Cops in cop shows liked to do the whole thing where they’d put two perps in different rooms and let them sweat over whether the other guy would turn them in.

Difference is, this time you can be the cop that takes and offers bribes with no repercussion.

> Maybe I was disarming myself, on a level, but I still didn’t want to use the devils. If I could ratchet up the paranoia or turn them against one another, it was worth it. > > I took in the crowd. Now that the alarm was fading, my chance to see any more tells was gone. I could only lose out by standing up there any longer. > > I walked down the aisle, and I took my seat on the pew. > > Laird took his position at the front. He was still wearing the longer coat, hands in his pocket as he half-sat on the stage or chancel or altar or whatever it was supposed to be called.

I'm hoping to see some outside interactions. If this doesnt throw a wrench into the plans, something has to. And I would very much like to know how eveyone stands with one another as of right now since Laird's views were proba ly majorly biased.

> “Well,” he said. “Let’s get this out of the way. Who’s interested in taking the deal?” > > Wait. What? > > “Not seeing any raised hands,” Laird said. “It’ll be good if we get this out of the way, before it gets messy.” > > Negotiating here? Now? I’d hoped for more backstabbing, a little more chaos. > > “Maggie, was it? You perked up when he made the offer.” > > “I sort of am,” she called out, from beside me. She glanced at me, but she looked a little concerned. “I’ve seen how things go bad, if you let them. And that was only goblins, I think. So how bad are these things?” > > “They’re very bad,” Laird said. “There have been cases where small towns disappeared after one got loose. Outsiders were called in, the offending Others were dealt with, and the areas were written off. One big symbol was drawn out in each area, to drive away the surviving locals and any visitors. They made some efforts to erase the areas from the books, and they became the towns you pass by on road trips, but never visit. Presentable when seen from a distance. When this happens in bigger cities, well, you can erase a great deal of evidence with a large enough fire or a natural disaster.” > > That was a little more serious than anything I’d read about.

Natural disasters confirmed as possible spells. No wonder, with the exposition of spirtis we got earlier.

> “I’ve seen something like that happen before,” Maggie said. “But it wasn’t… whatever you’re talking about. Small spot, bit of a disaster, everything cleared out. Now there’s an entire area of town people avoid.” > > “I believe many of us know what you’re referring to.” > > “Well, why is this so much worse? That’s a rhetorical question. I get that it’s a big deal, from the way you’re acting, and because I can sense that much. But I’m curious about the why and how.” > > “Let me help you understand. Many of us here have discussed options, with the Thorburn family in mind. We’ve grown up with this danger in mind. I’ve talked about it with my wife,” Laird said. He paused for a second, glancing at his wife. I could see her move, her arm going around her children or relatives. Two boys, two girls. > > Laird drew in a deep breath, then told Maggie, “If it came down to it and Blake Thorburn sent something like that after my family, if I didn’t have measures in place, or if I didn’t feel my measures would hold, then I would use gun, knife, bludgeon, or whatever I had at my disposal to kill my family before that thing could reach them. Because I love my family too much to do otherwise.” > > There was near-silence, punctuated only by some sniggering from some of the things I took to be goblins. > > “It’s a big deal then,” Maggie said. “Why aren’t you taking the offer?” > > “Because I do have measures that should be effective. I told Mr. Thorburn as much. ��Successfully managing this situation and ensuring that things progress smoothly means safeguarding the bit players. I have the means to protect myself, I can give some to the Duchamp family as a pre-wedding gift, if they’re willing. If Crone Mara, you and the woods girl take the deal, most of us are protected. Blake Thorburn is rendered impotent, or he makes a mistake and removes himself as a threat.”

I wonder what measures are enough for freaking demons if holding them in one place requires a mound of boar carcasses. Everyone seems rather confident, which looks like something that can get them into trouble if Blake goes nuts after this meeting. I mean, I wouldnt be calling Rose a demonologist if she only had a single demon.

> “And destroys us all?” Mrs. Duchamp asked. > > “That is something we can work on, but it’s a risk nonetheless.” > > Maggie sat back, propping one of her winter boots up against the book-holder on the back of the pew in front, where the bibles and hymn sheets or whatevers were held. “This sounds an awful lot like a trap.” > > “It is,” Laird said. “Primarily for Mr. Thorburn, removing all possible leverage he might hold. I feel the risk to you if you take the deal is far smaller than if you don’t.” > > “But it’s still a little trap for me. For us,” Maggie said. “And I’m betting that when all’s said and done, you come out ahead.” > > “Yes. Alongside the Duchamps, in keeping with our alliance. But we’re all better off, Mr. Thorburn excepted, and he would be largely removed as a threat.” > > “No. Drat that,” Maggie said. “Drat you. I’ll do what I want.”

Blake, we have a Maggie, she’s ours. Also drat is a very lame slur. Any promises to never swear in her past? Maybe just growing up with a strict family?

> Her way of swearing seemed odd. It had in the vision where I’d first seen her, too. I felt a measure of relief and concern. She wasn’t an ally, per se, but at least she wasn’t playing Laird’s game. > > Laird said, “I thought I was being polite, including you. Johannes, Crone Mara, and the girl from the glades, then?” > > “I seem to be your last pick among the local practitioners,” Johannes said. When I craned my head to look, he was smirking. “I’m mildly offended.”

I'm still glad that people seem to be super not into whatever Laird is focusing on, mostly.

> “Offended or not, are you interested? We might as well settle this now.” > > “I’ll hear what the Briar Girl and Mara have to say, before I make any decision.” > > The Briar Girl shifted position. She was plain, her hair a mess, with a twig stuck in the back somewhere. Her winter clothes were layered, a little scuffed at the edges of the sleeves and pant leg. She was wearing pyjamas beneath the jeans. > > The spirit walked along the back of the pew with a coyote’s legs, until it stood directly behind her, leaning in to whisper in her ear with a beaked mouth. > > “When the house’s occupants are gone, the woods and marshes there are mine,” she said. > > “In what sense?” Laird asked. > > “In every sense. I want it like Johannes has the north end.” > > “You want it uncontested as your demesnes, you mean.” > > “Yes.” > > “A bit too steep of a price, I suspect. You’re not paying attention to the context of this situation. We need to drain the marshes to let the city expand, which is something we require to further all of our interests, yours included.” > > “I am paying attention. I don’t care,” the Briar Girl said. The spirit’s beak was partially open still by her ear, serrated with sawlike teeth. One of its large yellow eyes were fixated on Laird. “The city will expand all the same, but it will expand slower. More expensive for you. It’ll still get where you want it to get. When it does, I’ll have all those woods and marshes. One way or another.” > > “I see. Then there’s no use in asking the others,” Laird said. > > “I doubt I would have accepted, in any case,” Johannes said. “Just saying.”

I still like you Johannes. Your way of speaking and your dog all appease my interests.

> I glanced at Mara. She sat alone, eyes fixed in front of her, hands in her lap, very still. > > Nobody had really talked to her yet. Did she say or do anything? > > Laird was nodding, frowning. > > “My rose has done what she aimed to,” Padraic said. “You’ve offended two of us, Aimon Behaim. Johannes and me both.” > > “I’m not Aimon, my name is Laird,” Laird said. > > Padraic looked a touch annoyed at being corrected. “Aimon, Laird, Lame Airhard, no matter. You’ve wounded me, ignoring me in this critical moment. I have far more to lose than you, don’t I? An immortal lifespan, against, what, thirty more of your years? Twenty of your wife’s? Sixty two of one daughter’s, fifty one of another, one of a son’s life? Add them together for your family as they are now and you have, what?”

Laird not read up on this little quirk in Others? Where they dont recognize lineage and call you by the name of your ancestors? First hint in the story where we know something someone else doesnt if thats the case and that counts as something for me.

> One of his companions I hadn’t yet met said something under his breath. The numbers Padraic had given were eerily specific. Laird didn’t even flinch, hearing them, didn’t glance at his children.

Probably maximum possible natural lifespan. That "one year" one though is eerie.

> “Eight hundred and seven years, for your extended family? Paltry,” Padraic said. He made a face, “In terms of the years I’m expected to live, I’m much more important. Yet you dismiss me.” > > “I’d planned to make offers to you and many of the remaining Others, to ensure everyone was on stable footing before proceeding,” Laird said. > > “Well,” Padraic said, leaning back, “What would you offer? I’m going to be insulted if you don’t make a good suggestion, now.” > > “Despite the fact that we’re no longer negotiating?” > > “Exactly so. It’s a question of my pride. How do you value my remaining lifespan, Behaim?” > > “I’d thought I might offer to talk to the Queen that exiled you, and see if I could offer to make you a familiar to one of my grandchildren. I could fund him or her, so they could travel, freeing you from your imprisonment here for a time.” > > “She wouldn’t accept, and the offer is weak at best,” Padraic said. “Putting the rest of my life at risk for a mere forty or so years of mild adventure? Try again.” > > I clenched my hands in my lap. Had I set Laird back, here? A small success? > > “Your kind aren’t in my realm of expertise. Sandra? I apologize for asking, but-” > > The Duchamp’s leader nodded, all the way in the frontmost pew. The blonde PTA-bitch woman stood as Laird sat down beside his wife. She composed herself, then said, “What would you ask for, Patrick?” > > “That’s cheating.” > > “I’m still asking. I’ll try to make you a counteroffer.” > > “One of Laird’s generations. Grandchildren, grand-nieces and nephews, and the children of his cousins.”

Are this the people that follow him, i wonder what he gets from it. They look constantly enebriated from what I remember, they talked about partying too. Maybe he somehow needs company, or just demands it. Maybe it extends his lifespan in turn in some way. Very curious this group's tendency to seek taking people for themselves.

> “That has the unfortunate consequence of ending his line.” > > Padraic smiled. “I could return them, more or less in one piece. Let them age up to twenty or so, educate them. It would be novel, and if we kept some in reserve and staggered out when and how we returned them, we could amuse ourselves for hundreds of years.” > > “I see,” Sandra Duchamp said. “Here’s my counteroffer: what if I offered a messenger?” > > “The Queen won’t listen,” Padraic said, sighing. > > “To other banished Faerie, in other cities and towns. Until our family line ends or the Queen is replaced and the court dynamic changes up once again.” > > “Springtime,” Padraic said. “Mm. That would have been a good offer. Paved the way for an insurrection of sorts.” > > “Perhaps,” Sandra Duchamp said. “That would be dangerous for my family. I was thinking of maintaining some connection to the courts, in a peripheral manner.” > > “Nonetheless, I’m pacified. I no longer feel slighted.” > > “Then,” Sandra Duchamp said, “Thorburn’s offer remains open, I will know who accepts it, if anyone does. Let’s set that matter aside so we’re free to move on. The murder of Molly Walker?” > > Laird responded without standing, “It’s largely under wraps. The investigation will hit a dead end on its own.” > > “Any assistance needed?” > > “No. I’ll keep an eye on things.” > > “Good,” Sandra said. It seemed like she was leading things, now. Was leadership exchanged so easily? “In terms of more mundane business… Toronto is currently in the dark. Provided there aren’t any further interruptions, my family should be able to divert attention for the time being. I’ve had a short discussion with the Lord of Ottawa, and she is on board, keeping her subservients at bay.” > > “The smaller towns in the GTA?” The Briar Girl asked.

All this talk of Lords and Queens, ever since Grandma's chapter actually, I'm wondering what that implies and if Jacob's Bell has one. I'm thinking they dont hold the influence yet and are trying to figure that out. Probably trying to be one of the two main families, but things like Johannes sets that back.

> “Stable, expressing no interest and exerting no pressure. I see only three or four individuals or groups that might make an active play, and they are doing no such thing. The remainder would sell us out to Toronto’s Lord or try to sell us out to Ottawa and inform us. For the time being, we’re the only individuals in play, here.” > > There were nods all around. I saw some of the Others leaving. Apparently those were the only major points they were interested in hearing. > > “Next order of business. I’m obligated to call it to a vote. Flagrant use of one’s practice in public, acting against the local powers. Maggie Holt.” > > The witch hunter girl at the front perked up at that. So did Maggie. > > “Excusable use,” Maggie said. “Nobody even thought it was anything suspicious.” > > “To sanction the use of the Jacob’s Bell witch hunters to execute Maggie Holt, please vote,” Sandra Duchamp declared. > > The Briar Girl raised her staff. One member of Laird’s family, a teenage boy with brown hair, raised a golden disc, held between crossed index and middle fingers. He looked back at Maggie, and she rolled her eyes. > > Nobody else in the room raised their implements. Not even the woman who called the vote. What was the proper course of action if we didn’t have implements to raise? Raising our hands? Or were we not allowed to vote? > > “Two yeas, the remainder of the votes are nay. The execution is not passed,” Sandra Duchamp said. “Be careful. You have very few friends here. When we’re not following so soon after one execution, we may prove more willing to vote against you.”

Oh? Who was executed? Molly? I'm still thinking btw that not everyone who was interested in Blake's offer would voice themselves. And I'm highly suspicious of all this interest of outaide parties and how they dont know or shouldnt know about how the city is going in and trying to establish itself. Good to know we seem to be between Ottawa and the GTA in Ontario.

> I saw Maggie sit back a little. She was a little relieved, or she’d hidden the tension well. > > The discussion continued, along the same lines. Outside players, minor internal disputes over who was doing what, and all of the other details that went into maintaining the balance of power. > > ■ > > “…And with that, the meeting is called to order,” Laird Behaim said. He’d taken over again when Sandra’s voice had started to give out. He opened his pocket watch. “Seven forty-four.” > > That seemed to be the end of it. The remaining crowd picked up and got ready to leave, pulling on winter clothes, gathering implements and tools. I was among them, getting my jacket on before pulling on the backpack of weapons and tools. > > Many of the Others were gone. Most of the ones who remained were still human in appearance. > > Nobody seemed interested in talking to me, so I made my way outside. > > “Not exactly the result you wanted,” Rose murmured, as we passed outside. The mirror was still sticking out of the top of my backpack. > > “Not a bad result either,” I said. “Do you object? Bad plan?” > > “No. I would have liked more time to consider it, but there are worse ideas. What was with that bit at the end? You won’t use devils to attack someone, but they can attack you?” > > I nodded. “I needed some incentive. I didn’t have time to stand there thinking about it, so I went with the most obvious thing.” > > “Right. Well. Thoughts?” > > “Getting home, seeing if anyone expresses interest, get more reading done.” > > “Shopping? Food?” > > “Stores close in twelve minutes, and I don’t want to dally. If it comes down to it, I can live off what’s in the house now, at least until next month.” > > “Grim,” Rose said. > > “Tell me about it,” I said. “Remind me of this idiotic call, a little while from now.” > > “Will do.” > > “Something else we need to talk about,” I said, “Is this vestige thing. It’s the… second or third time I’ve heard it, and I’m pretty sure you referenced it, one of those times.” > > “Talking to yourself, Mr. Thorburn?” > > I wheeled around. Rather than stop, I kept walking backwards. > > Johannes and Maggie. North End Sorcerer and the girl with the checkered scarf.

Together eh? She seems to be getting around as you can get for practitioners and others in Jacob's Bell

> And, I had to note, a small contingent of goblins. The dog walked alongside Johannes, through slush and snow, the long hair not getting wet or dirty. Johannes wore a white coat, and it was pristine. > > Maggie, by contrast, had specks and spots of gray-brown grime on her leggings, with circles of wet spreading around them. Her skirt and hair blew around in the wind, and she hunched over, hands jammed in her pockets, as she trudged on. > > Most of the goblins were children, paying very little attention to us as they hopped onto nearby cars or walls. Two were large. Gorilla-like things, ugly as hell, stark naked, their faces bent in permanent scowls. A child-like goblin jumped on the shoulders of one of the larger ones. A moment later, it was seized and smashed against the nearest lightpost. > > “I’m talking to my companion,” I said. Might as well admit it. > > “Yes. You are,” Johnannes said. “I’m liking how quickly you’re picking this up. The language, turns of phrase used to redirect, to mislead. You’re talking to your companion, yes, but you’re not denying that you’re talking to yourself.” > > He knew? Even Laird hadn’t made any obvious connections. > > “You’ve been watching?” I asked. > > “Yes. Everyone has, to some degree.”

That was to be expected. All those Others were probably serving under someone when not by themselves.

> “You up for the deal?” I asked. > > “Didn’t you hear?” Johannes asked. “Behaim wants us to take the deal. It leaves everything in the hands of the two more powerful circles in Jacob’s Bell. Chaos is minimized, and they can take whatever action they need to in order to remove you.” > > “Why not call an execution against me?” I asked. “Seems easy enough.” > > “Laird promised you safety. He’s walking a fine line, trying to keep you in a position to threaten others while ensuring you’re manageable and that the situation stays stable,” Johannes said. “It’s most advantageous to him, because it lets him present traps to Maggie, the Briar Girl, Mara and me like he did tonight. He’s secure enough that any trouble you cause will set others back more than it sets him back. If you fail in that role, he kills you and finds an equilibrium with the next heir.” > > Maggie said, “It’s like he lives his life by the ticking of that clock of his, orderly, tidy, neat, but he thrives on controlled chaos.”

I forgot about that! I Thought he only needed to protect Blake in his presence during that one walk out for coffee! And the controlled chaos thing makes sense. If I didnt imagine it, his clock did look overcomplicated didnt it?

> “If-” a voice started behind me. It cut off when I turned. Rose. “If the execution was only stayed today because of the promise he made, what’s stopping him from doing it next month?” > > “A very good question, miss…?” Johannes let the question hang. > > “I don’t know if I should answer that.” > > “Miss Mirror. A good question,” Johannes said. “The obvious answer is that he won’t call for an execution if you’re useful to him. He can use the threat you pose as a distraction or a tool, apparently. He’s not worried, because he seems to think he has an answer to whatever you might send his way. How is that? How would he know what you have at your disposal and how to respond?” > > “Aimon,” Rose said. “She was close to Aimon, once?”

Very close. Might even be some Behaim blood in our character's veins.

> “Well, that’s one idea,” Johannes said. “You can then give some thought to a way around it. If you were to get your hands on a dark Other of horrendous power, is it possible that Laird might not have an answer to it?” > > “Depends on what the answer is,” I said. “Could be some contract she made with every Other in her books. Could be a tool, or some excerpts from the books.” > > “Very true,” Johannes said. “So?” > > “So,” Rose said. “I’m wondering why you’re ‘helping’ us.” > > “Are you wondering?” Johannes replied. “Mr. Blake Thorburn, why do you think I’m helping?”

I'm supposing Aimon was some kind of practitioner specialized in defense spells. And the only theory I currently have for Johannes being here is that he is a cool guy who is probably going to turn out bad and then I will be sad. In all seriousness,he only has to gain from making the two other bigger factions of the town not compete with him as the city expands.

> “Maybe because it’s a danger to Laird, and you lose nothing if I fail.” > > “If you fail badly enough, I could lose everything. In order of severity, there’s failure where you’re ineffectual, failure where you get yourself killed, and greater failure still where you might get everyone here killed. But yes. I lose nothing of substance by helping, and I could see Laird Behaim unseated, removed or disconcerted. I like that,” Johannes said.

I also like that

> “Which brings us back to what we were talking about before,” Maggie said. “How do you mess with Laird? I’m thinking, if he’s got his protections, he either has them on his person, which is unlikely since he’s protecting his whole family. They could be more abstract sorts of protections, or he’s set them up somewhere.” > > I nodded slowly. “Abstract meaning something like my grandmother made a promise to Aimon that the Behaims would all be safe, then signed deals to put it into motion.” > > No. It didn’t make sense that she’d leave me something like that if there was no way to use it against Laird. I didn’t say that out loud. > > “And?” Johannes asked, cutting into the silence that had followed my statement. > > “The prepared protections,” Rose said, “Are protections that are arranged already. Safe ground?” > > Johannes nodded. “It could be barriers, weapons, wards, or other safeguards. He prepares them in advance, then pulls his family back to safety if he expects you’re going to attack. It’s likely it would be somewhere accessible.” > > I said, “That means I’d have to find his place. If I disposed of the safeguards and prevented him from erecting any more, he loses his bargaining chip.” > > “That would be the natural conclusion,” Johannes said. “Getting into his place to do anything would be the real difficulty. His home is his demesnes, and any protections he has against demons, devils and infernal things might be supplemented with protection against the practitioner that might command them.” > > Over and over again, there were these dead ends. Couldn’t get a familiar, implement, or demesnes without other assets. Couldn’t attack Laird. > > “You’re not really thinking about doing this, are you?” Rose asked. Asked me. > > “No,” I said. “I don’t think it’s doable.”

You cant do those things without outside help. Much like this one visit. Fuck please dont be baiting the two of them to waste time and run out of safeground.

> “I don’t either,” Johannes said. “Returning us to the question of how you protect yourself. From a vote of execution or otherwise. You most likely can’t scare him into submission, you won’t be able to maintain the balance he wants indefinitely. Which would only be delaying the inevitable, by the by. That leaves you two options, as I see it.” > > He had a tone to his voice. As though he was waiting for me to ask what those options were. > > Why? > > I’d ask and he would… > > “You want payment, in exchange for you sharing what those options are?” I asked. > > “Or you can name them yourself. I’m not picky,” he said. > > We walked on in silence, boots squeaking and crunching in the snow. > > “When we first saw you, you offered help. For a price,” Rose said. > > “That’s one of the two options,” Johannes said. “I’m suspicious that any price I ask would be minor at best, compared to what you’d have to pay one of Rose Thorburn’s Otheracquaintances. If you know what I mean.” > > There was a moment of silence as we considered. Johannes seemed content to enjoy the silence. Maggie was quiet in general.

Why is she here anyways? Grandma and or her family seem to have done expensive things during their time since everyone seems to know about their debts.

> I asked, “They’re both allied against me? The Behaim Circle and Duchamp coven?” > > “Most likely. They’re united by the marriage that is coming to pass. It makes them powerful. Not as powerful as me, but powerful.” > > I nodded. “And I can’t stop the marriage? Split them apart?”

I doubt you can do much to bonds relating to enchantresses.

> “I don’t imagine you could. The idea I had was a simpler one. Think. What’s the issue you face?” > > The issue? Me being in Maggie’s shoes, seeing those hands go up, and the witch hunter with awful trigger etiquette. > > “If the danger is a vote of execution,” I said, “We could theoretically win over enough people that they couldn’t get the majority.” > > “Do all members of the family count?” Rose asked. “There’s no way, if they do.” > > “The senior member of each family unit gets one vote,” Johannes said. “All put together, that is three from the Duchamps, and four from the Behaims.” > > “Seven,” I said. > > “Myself, Maggie, The Briar Girl, Mara, Padraic, two Others, at a minimum,” Johannes said. “You might want more, in case any Others decide to vote against you. A slim chance, but you have one month.” > > “Except I can’t step outside for that one month,” I said. “I do, I have to face down whatever spells or traps they’ve laid for me.” > > “I’m hated,” Johannes said. “Why am I free to roam?” > > “You’re powerful,” I said. I glanced back at the goblins. “And you’ve got help.” > > Another catch-twenty-two. Get powerful so I could go outside, but I needed to go outside so I could get more powerful. > > It all came down to power. > > “If it’s not a vote of execution you face, having any or all of the named individuals helping you would still protect you against the family. Win each of us over, use us.” > > “Be used in turn,” Rose said. > > “Naturally,” Johannes said.

Something I think Blake isn't exactly quite ready to do is compromise. But I cant blame him. He physically cant compromise in his situation, enough problems, things to worry about and debts.

> “Speaking of. You have the one measure that was put in place,” Rose said. > > Measure? I turned my head. > > Oh. She was talking about what I’d brought up at the meeting. I’d been talking about Rose, but I’d let them think I was talking about something else. Something that could release the barber if I was hurt or killed. > > Would fear work? > > “I do,” I said. “I’m not really a fan of any option that works only after I get brutally murdered.” > > Leading Johannes and Maggie to believe that there was a safeguard in place. But the truth was, I wasn’t a fan of that sort of option. Generally speaking. > > “Food for thought,” Johannes said. He pointed at a busier road, though ‘busy’ was a misleading term, when one referred to sleepy Jacob’s Bell. A car every minute or two. “I’m going this way.” > > “You’re not taking the deal?” I asked, again. > > “We’ll see. There’s no rush,” he said. “We really should talk again. You know where to find me. Ask politely before you come, and there should be no issue. Miss Mirror?” > > “Yes?” Rose asked. > > “You would find yourself in good company, should you visit.” > > With that, he walked off, his familiar beside him, goblins following, darting into shadows as cars passed down the road. > > Leaving me with Maggie and the two largest goblins. > > “Good company?” Rose asked. > > “You’re an Other,” Maggie said. “That place is like an Other’s amusement park. There, it’s like the old days, before the Seal of Solomon. Before humans were really able to fend for themselves.” > > “This is sanctioned?” I asked. Hard to imagine there hadn’t been a vote against Johannes. > > “No,” Maggie said. “What does it matter? The area is his. Purely his. The only person who gets a say is him.”

Does he just respect Others that much? I like his style a lot either way.

> “That doesn’t sound like my kind of company,” Rose said. “Killing people, picking them off…” > > “Maybe he meant something else?” Maggie asked. She shrugged in answer to her own question.

I really doubt there is just a corner of town where people get picked off to get killed by Others. Laird would give a shit about that.

> “We’re walking this way,” I pointed. “You?” > > “Same. Straight all the way down to the lake.” > > “Same direction for a bit, then turning off to one side,” I said. > > Maggie looked back at her giant goblins, said, “Come on.” > > We walked together. > > “You’re friends with Johannes?” I asked. > > “Not really. I mean, some common ground. Acquaintances, but not friends. Neither of us are big fans of the old guard. But, you know, you can’t really interact fairly with someone when there’s this big an imbalance in power.” > > “No,” Rose said. > > I didn’t have anything to say to that. > > “Blake is a member of the old guard,” Rose said. “Just so it’s clear. Old family, old knowledge.” > > “But you two are clueless,” Maggie said. “You don’t know jack. You just got awakened, you just got introduced to this whole shebang.”

Just how did you begin with then? You are a girl, in the woods maybe or at least thats where we saw you if my memory isnt failing me, who taught you the ropes, the ins and outs?

> “Give us time,” I said. “We’re working on it.” > > “The rest of those guys out there? They don’t want you to have time. They’re going to use you, get you killed, then do the same for all the rest of them.” > > “And you?” I asked. > > “And me. I might be happier if you stay alive. That way there are more chances to use you. I don’t get much from offing you. Bit of a boost in raw power, but that only puts the grand kibosh on all of this. The guys in charge stay in charge, and us runts stay on the bottom. What’s the point of moving everyone up five rungs on the ladder, if you’re still going to be three rungs below the next pleb?” > > “I think that depends on your motivations,” I said. “If you’re trying to achieve something, then it’s good. If you want power for power’s sake, then no, it doesn’t help.” > > We had reached the street I turned off at. I stopped, and Maggie stopped too. > > “What do you want?” she asked. > > I thought back to the oath I’d made while awakening. “Freedom, safety, I want to help my family, past, present and future. I want to help my… companion here.” > > “Yeah?” Maggie asked. “Huh.” > > “What do you want?” Rose asked. > > “I can’t put it to words. I feel dumb if I say it out loud. But power helps everything. Knowledge is power. I want knowledge and power.” > > “Where’d you get knowledge in the first place?” I asked.

Hey Maggie did you know we have a FAT ASS THICC STASH of sum o' dat good ol' "knowdge" at the house?? Also good to see she has a deeper motivation. I'm imagining she has some real sentimental aspirations. For some reason "revitalizing a place taken over by someone else in power" came to mind. But I dont know if she has enough history in this town for that, we will see.

> She reached for her bag, rifled inside, and retrieved a small binder. > > “All here,” she said. She hugged it against her stomach with both hands. > > The way pages stuck out, how some of them seemed like newspaper, some like printer paper, and some clearly lined, it seemed more like a scrapbook than what it really was. A tome, a spellbook.

Well that anwsers that doesnt it?

> “Where’d you get that?” I asked. “Or… how did you make it?” > > “Started off with a bit. Long story. Gathered the rest myself, piece by piece. Dealing, trading, competing for it.” > > “Want more?” I asked. > > She raised an eyebrow. > > “I’ve got a whole library of books,” I said. “But I need help.” > > “You want to deal?” she asked. > > “Maybe,” I said. “If my companion doesn’t object and-” > > “I don’t object,” Rose said. > > “-and if you can clarify what Laird was talking about, when he referred to you as a terrorist.” > > “I hate that word,” Maggie said. “It’s so overused.” > > “Is it inaccurate?” I asked. > > “No, but that’s because it’s vague. Using fear to achieve political aims? Define ‘using fear’. Define ‘political’. That Behaim guy is a terrorist. So is Sandra Duchamp. So is Johannes. So are you.” > > “I’m using fear so I can survive,” I said. > > “You’re raising your status in people’s estimation. That’s political.” > > “That’s pushing the definition,” I said. > > “So is Laird! You want my answer, on why he’d call me that? There you go.” > > I frowned. > > “What?” Maggie asked. “It’s the only real answer I can think of.” > > “I need more information before I can make a call,” I said. “But I’m going to get back.” > > “There are still hours of safety,” Maggie said. > > “There are. But my bag is getting pretty heavy, and I’m not sure I trust the general definition of hours, with Laird around, or the definition of safety, with, well, just about anyone I’ve met here.” > > “You’re leaving me hanging?” Maggie asked. “If I could say anything crude, I’d say it now. I… can’t even allude to it. Blue. You’re leaving me blue.”

Aha. She cant be rude for some reason. That is both cuteand frustrating. Imagine if Blake couldnt swear.

> “Sad?” Rose asked. > > Maggie groaned in frustration. > > “We’re going to meet again,” I said. “For now, though, you’ll have to forgive me if I’m overly cautious. I seem to recall you saying something about the noobs being easy marks.” > > “You heard that,” Maggie said. > > “We can meet sometime this week, maybe negotiate a deal. After… my partner and I have slept on it. My info for your backup,” I said. “If I can find a way to safely leave Hillsglade House, and if I can feel a bit more confident about working alongside you.” > > “How bad could I be?” Maggie asked. > > I looked at her, framed by the two monstrous brutes that were following her. > > “I don’t know,” I said. “Let’s not find out. I’ll talk to you later?” > > She shrugged. “Maybe.” > > I turned to go.

Seems like I will like maggie too. Not many likeable characters around. To be expected, first arc establishes our protagonists first, so we only got dealt with the worst people for the setup it was due. While I'm sad that Blake's plan didnt seem to work straight up, I am happy that Maggie and Johannes seem at least approachable after so much animosity.

> From the main road, it was only a little ways to get to the Hillsglade property. The only hassle was the uphill nature of the walk. > > “Watch my back?” I asked. > > “Sure,” Rose said. > > I trudged along until the house came into view. > > “We okay?” I asked. > > “I’m not sure how to answer that,” she said. “Generally? No. I don’t think we’re okay at all. We’re probably going to die.” > > “You know what I mean.” > > “Are you okay? No. Am I okay? No.” > > “Now you’re intentionally misunderstanding me,” I said. I added a quick, “I think.” > > “I am. Are we okay as a pair? No. We aren’t.” > > “Okay,” I said. “I get that.” > > “The mirrors are nice. I appreciate the mirrors.” > > “Good,” I said. > > “But we’re still not in a good place. Could a black slave be friends with his master, back in the day? Sure. I imagine there were some slaveowners who were pretty cool, didn’t beat or punish their slaves, were generous and kind…” > > “That analogy is pretty damn unfair,” I said. “I didn’t choose for you to be like this.” > > “Child of the slaveowner, then?” > > I would have reminded her that she was supposedly playing ball. At the same time, I was glad she was arguing with me. It beat the utter defeat she’d showed me earlier.

God damn yeah. Props for the analogy, but an angry and argumentative partner beats a defeated one every day of the week. Both for emotional AND writing purposes.

> “I want to do what I can to free you from your prison, my metaphorical slave,” I said. “I swore it when I did the ritual, just like I told Maggie, back there.” > > Rose was quiet, now. I didn’t hear a response from the mirror. > > “What was that bit, before, about vestiges?” I asked. > > “We were interrupted,” she said, quiet. Yes, please, shed more light onto this matter. > “What was it?” I asked her, again. I didn’t want to get distracted from the topic. > > “Vestiges. They’re… like shadows. A simulacrum is an effective double of another individual, a near-perfect simulation. You’ve got dopplegangers, Others that copy a person’s appearance, hiding inside a simulacrum. A reflection of a person, but with something different and frequently malevolent at the core. Erasing a person so they can take over their lives. Usually ending in disaster and murder.” > > “Sure,” I said. > > “There are glamours and illusions. Images, but little more than that. Living, alive, pretendings. Ghosts, which are usually emotional or mental impressions made on the world. Trauma, powerful ideas, they leave something behind, that you see out of the corner of your eye. Tied to some glimmer of the person that was, at the time of death, twisted by time and a degrading memory of their self.”

Yeah but you are a person that never existed though. We are talking about ghosts of living people. Doppels that impersonate others. You are almost like an alternate timeline being. I dunno,this vestige thing seems too much like a gotcha twist we will see later. It was information that came in for way too free. No foreshadowing, just labeled as so and bam. Issue solved. Doesnt't convince me as much.

> “And vestiges?” I asked. > > “Fit somewhere in the middle. A flawed simulacrum, or a ghost that left a deep enough impression in reality that you can use that impression as a mold. Memories, complex thought, they’re flexible. There’s a book on vestiges in the library. They’re interesting to work with because they can be altered. Strong enough that you can mold them, without them being too rigid.” > > “Molded?” I asked. “As in… changing a gender? Memories?” > > “Exactly,” Rose said. > > “You know what you are, then.” > > “Not even a copy. You want to know the reason for my big turnaround? Why I’m accepting my fate as a tool? That’s it. I know what I am now. I know the built-in limitations.” > > “Limitations?” > > “Read the book,” she said, from the mirror, “I don’t want to talk about it.” > > I had an ugly idea of what she was referring to. > > “Rose,” I said. > > “I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. “Later, Blake.”

I need to read that book right now. F she is a flawed simulacrum I want to know if its of Rose. Really. Because it doesnt match that she is a fem!Blake.

Oh but then again, the house needed to be passed to a female... and she was there with the lawyer, not Blake. Grandma Rose molded a flawed clone of Blake. I think the pieces are put together now. I'm suspicious. But it fits.

> “I wanted to ask about-” I said. > > But something told me she wasn’t there. Except for the crunching of my boots, there was only silence. She was gone.

The Riku Replica thing comes back again to haunt me (Kingdom Hearts can be cringy, but when they have a good scene, its amazing). Is there a worse existence than being sapient and know that you, as a supposed-to-be human being, has not only been made to just serve as a copy, but also has severe limitations that degrade that concept out of you? Riku Replica in the video for example discovers that everything about him is not only just replicated, but is also limited to what his original self was at the time of his creation. The real Riku however can still get stronger, can still develop, but whatever his Replica achieves, its capped. He can’t change, can’t develop, he can only do what his original could. That you will forever be just "someone's shadow". And it isnt an evil clone sorta thing. It just leaves you empty, angry and sad.

> I made my way up the driveway. Once safely inside, I locked the door, checked the windows, and then headed for the library. I didn’t see Rose in any of the mirrors. > > I searched the shelves until I found the book she’d been talking about. > > Vestige: Glimmers and Gasps > > The title only reaffirmed the ugly feeling I had in my gut. > > I scanned the table of contents. The title of one chapter pretty much gave it away. > > Duration.

Awn man, I fucking liked her. This being mentioned does make me raise the question of why it would be set up like this. It doesnt seem like something Wildbow would do, looks more like one of his bait-and-switch to me. WHICH IN TURN, happens even more as I question what or who exactly is the bird Blake has in his hands in the parahumans subreddit. And I'm thinking its Rose and she becomes his familiar. The abstract meanings of her becomming a bird too are very fitting, poetic and endearing. I know, I cant fake that I never saw that header.

> I read the entire chapter, first leaning against the railing, book in hand. Then I read some sitting cross-legged on the floor. > > Vestiges were flexible, like Rose had said. They could be molded. > > But Vestiges were impermanent. Sand castles. Given time, given external pressures, they started to degrade. Over time, the degradation got worse, to the point that it took more and more effort and energy to keep them intact. > > What was the power source that was driving her? > > How much time did she have? > > I finished the chapter, then closed the book. The cover had a silver image of half a mask, pressed into the leather. The other half of the mask was black, without any eye, nose or mouth. Half real, half shadow. > > When I looked up, my eyes roving over the room, I saw Rose in the mirror, sitting in the chair at the desk. > > I joined her on the lower floor, book still in hand. Next on my reading list. > > “Before we left for the meeting, I thought you said there wasn’t a book to explain you,” I said. > > “I said there wasn’t a book to explain why Grandmother summoned me.” > > “Ah. Why didn’t you say any of this before?” > > “Because you were focused on the meeting? Because there were two ways this could really go? You’d either get upset or distracted, and that would throw you off your game, or you wouldn’t, and that would throw me off mine?” > > “If it helps,” I said, “I’m feeling pretty off my game. I feel pretty horrible.” > > “Yeah? Well now we’re more on the same page,” she said. “Question is, what do we do about it?” > > “Can I just spend a minute or ten feeling like a shitheel?” I asked. > > “You can, but we’ll need to figure something out after that.” > > “We will,” I said. “Fuck.”

Sometimes you need to just stop and let aaaaalllll that shit sink in. Side note and the 68th time i say this out loud,but god damn do I appreciate how Wildbow characters are really REALLY emotionally cognitive and realistic.

> I stood there for a minute, in the middle of the room, so I could see where Rose sat at the desk. I felt the weight of the book in my hand. > > “I’m here for a purpose, Blake,” Rose said. “And I’m only here for a little while. We need to figure out what that purpose is.” > > “Fuck that,” I said. “I made a promise I’d help you. That doesn’t mean using you and throwing you away to fall apart.” > > Again, looking at her, I could see her withdrawing, a trace of anger in her expression. As if me speaking out on her behalf was somehow worse than me being a jerk. > > I didn’t get it. > > “What, then?” she asked. She was managing to hide the expression, now. “What do you do, if you’re so bent on helping me?” > > “Like Maggie said, knowledge and power. They’re one and the same, and they go a long way. Let’s figure something out.” > > “I don’t need rescue, Blake.” > > You do, I thought. But I said, entirely honest, “I need help. I meant it, and I need your help above all else. I’m going to do what I can to keep you around.” > > “That’s just selfish enough I can believe it,” she said. > > “Good,” I said. “So, let’s talk strategies.” > > “Strategy?” > > “Tell me how this sounds. If you like the idea, we’re going to hit the books, and we’re going to make sure it won’t come back to bite us in the ass. Dear Mr. RCMP Officer, you should know that Laird Behaim was at a function at the church last night. He has admitted in earshot of several people that he knows something about who murdered Molly Walker and how.” > > “There are a hundred ways that could bite us in the ass.” > > “We’ll double check each one,” I said. “What are they going to do? Try to kill us more? He wants to use us as leverage? We throw something other than horrifying hell-beasts his way. Question is, what do you think?” > > “I think it’s something. Provided we double check the rules, make sure we’re not getting ourselves executed. You want to attack his position?” > > “Throw him for a bit of a loop,” I said. “We can build on it. Get some people pulled in for questioning. Put them on the spot, see how they do when they’re interrogated and can’t lie.”

Problem being the whole thing of their family having ties with people manipulators. But then again,thats more deals to make, more debts to the pile.

> “Kids,” Rose said. “Get the kids in that interrogation room somehow. They won’t be as savvy. They’ll let something slip.” > > I thought of how the Behaim kids had done a poor job of concealing their fear and surprise. > > “It’s dirty,” I said. I smiled some. “Dirty is good.”

And thus the damages begin. They need to think better on how they will gain the police over. Anonimously? Cant Blake just lie to the people of the city and say the house is going to be sold in x amount of time, just to buy him some time of peace with the people, they hate him anyways, not like they'll hate him less any time soon, might as well make them hate more but on a later date. It would be my first instict at least,from before the awakening thing. Guess they would have to do pretty good omissions and loopholes now that they cant straight up lie anymore huh. The buildup of the arc that was set up in the first chapter didnt actually deliver, yet at least, which was a weird choice. I really wanted to get a full disclosure of the meeting, instead of the mere brief summary we had after the beggining, but at least we got to see more of other practitioners non aggressively interacting with our main cast. I'm camping and will be going to sleep soon. This liveblog was written accross many hours of a day actually, that I had some tree to lean on with a cool breeze passing through, while I also accompany my girlfriend as she reads Arc 26 of Worm! Tomorrow I will dive back into 2.3!

2019 Addendum: She is now reading Pact and quickly catching up!! So in editing this in the present and will be readong 2.3 today! Aiming for a post on Wednesday the 27th!!

#CodeZeta liveblogs #pact #PactArc2 #Pact2.2

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batterymonster2021 · 5 years

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How To Trade Before Work & School l Part Time Forex & CFD Stock Trading

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/how-to-trade-before-work-school-l-part-time-forex-cfd-stock-trading-2/

How To Trade Before Work & School l Part Time Forex & CFD Stock Trading

If youre staring at this, you often have a passion for trading economic markets and most likely you hope to turn sooner or later this passion into a full time occupation. You typically revel in learning concerning the markets, buying and selling, investing and finance, but you could have a foremost trouble preventing you from moving on to the following degree and that drawback is time. Having a full time job, or going to experiences, or having a busy agenda doesnt mean that buying and selling will have to be out of your reach.You dont have got to be in entrance of the charts all day to exchange profitably. Correctly, now not being in entrance of the screen all day probably a huge potential. So in these days well discuss about the easy steps you should take so as to trade effectually although you have got a 9-to-5 job, go to college, or comfortably want to allocate more time to your buddies, family or other activities. Before we continue, if you’re new right here, make certain you subscribe, activate the notifications and go away us a wish to show your aid. The approach of establishing and refining a buying and selling software centered to your other every day time table, is an ongoing system.This isn’t something you do one time; it is a continuous approach that starts offevolved with ideas, progressing to transforming these recommendations to actionable trading programs, and then monitoring the results. If you wish to maximize your possibilities and genuinely make some cash trading part time, at the same time having other hobbies, you must contain 7 steps into your day-to-day movements. Number 1. You have to adapt your self to swing buying and selling. I have some advantage dangerous news for you. 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So, when you leave the apartment, irrespective of for those who made your research late the other night, or within the morning, you recognize your purchase or sell prices.Quantity 5. Use tiers alternatively of detailed prices. As a swing dealer, you wont be competent to monitor price movements every minute of the day. That is why you need to use rate stages as an alternative than unique prices. This will give you some flexibility, however be careful to not take it too a long way. You still ought to be strict with your self when executing your plan. You might get impatient when the rate gets practically your defined range, but dont be carried away through your emotions. Swing buying and selling requires endurance and self-discipline, two psychological problems most merchants fail to take care of during their trading application. Number 6 and on the whole the hardest step for most merchants: keep consistent and disciplined when executing your trading plan. 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So, take potential of technological know-how, it will probably prevent quite a few time if you have a busy everyday pursuits. Now, trading, like industry, sports or art, requires a consistent effort over a interval of time and going into buying and selling could be a actual project for those who dont have a clear plan and approach for trading. Like every other pastime, in the event you start with practical targets, good education and first-class practice, you’re going to eventually reap an skills over others and get ahead of the game.Finding out the way to swing exchange effectually may seem like a full-time job at the beginning, but once you’ve got mastered your process and your system, your trading application will requires handiest section-time hours. If you’re informal and unstructured about your trading, you can experience losses, whilst people who take trading seriously and work on refining their technique will surely succeed. Now, when you discovered value and discovered whatever new, make sure you subscribe to our channel, activate the notifications so that you dont pass over future uploads and leave us a prefer to show your help. Until subsequent time. .

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airoasis · 5 years

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How To Trade Before Work & School l Part Time Forex & CFD Stock Trading

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/how-to-trade-before-work-school-l-part-time-forex-cfd-stock-trading-2/

How To Trade Before Work & School l Part Time Forex & CFD Stock Trading

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norman-reedus-gossip · 7 years

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Last Bulk and its a long one

~~mod~~ everything else concerning this topic will be kicked to the modblog. ill try to add to the comments today. i feel like i got ran over so i may not be on at all. sorry for slacking on you and for probably being a world class asshole today. please keep it medium.

Anon: What kind of woman ALLOWS “her boyfriend” to make her hideout so she’s not seen with him? What kind of man DOES that? Be happy for them all you want. I think they look and act like morons. As “adorable ” as people think he is , he seems lately like a total douchebag. Good thing all the fucking booze he consumes gives him the balls to “allow” her be photographed with him. And how fucking desperate does one have to be to let themselves be treated like that? Typical Hollywood. I give this a week.

Anon:Okay, NOW do you think he will make an announcement on Jimmy Fallon about DK? Or that Jimmy will mention it? ~~mod~~ dont know dont care. as long as we get some couch action im good.

Anon:No new stories talk about the trip to italy right before dk dumped pacey. They dont talk about how long nr knew pacey before sky. Wonder how much that cost

Anon:I’m so sad mod….. 😢 Twd’s cast are finally coming to my country and i thinks that is very hard for they bring Norman because he is very expensive…. I mean, Norman is so rich, why he charge that much??! 😢😢 (Sorry for the english) ~~mod~~ aww maybe its not the money but more if he has time. where are they coming? you english is awesome

ahauntedfool: My two cents. I feel badly for disappointed fans who have invested so much time, energy, and possibly even money, on their beloved celebrity, only to see him acting in a way they do not agree with. That must be very hard for them. Maybe I can offer some hope and positivity?I believe no two relationships are alike, and none are black and white. Who really knows everything about their relationship besides them? But it does seem like they are together, and if that is the case I hope they make each other happy. I truly mean that. Love is not something we can plan for, but life is short and happiness is everything. I am still a fan of N, I enjoy many of his films and photographs, his charisma is pleasing, he makes me laugh and he makes me smile. There are some things I don’t like about him, but that’s how it is with people. We are all complex and flawed individuals, and in our imperfections there is beauty. I don’t know much about D yet, but I think I’ll check out her work, watch a few of her films and read some interviews. Maybe I’ll learn something about her that inspires me in some way. With that being said, I think they are an attractive couple, and I love seeing him smile like that. They appear happy in those photos and I hope they are. Maybe this relationship will be good for both of them. Oftentimes we learn from our partners how to be better people.

Anon: Wait for the other shoe to drop on fallon, the baby shoe, lol. He has an extra 0 on his paycheck now, so dk can stay in ny and give up her career while nk goes to ga and cons to keep her in designer duds and pap shots shopping and fashion shows. She can laugh with jdms wife about ppl who pay $$$$ to wait in line for a pic, and we get crappy cgi on twd ~~mod~~ come on the deer really wasnt that bad, if you squint it almost looked real

awesomebrokenheartuniverse: What the fucking fuck??? This is beyond baffling. The public make out session. Even as a teenager I didn’t make out on the street for 30 min. They clearly wanted to be seen. Have we been fooled by NR with some fake persona all these years? Has he drastically changed due to DKs influence? Is he whipped? Is he tired of keeping it a secret and overjoyed to let it all hang out? Does she have dirt on him and forcing this on him (sounds crazy but ya never know)? Is this a juvenile shit show for publicity to benefit both of them? So many questions! Maybe it’s not our business but when they flaunt themselves like this they are kinda asking for it. This is like reality show in your face over the top attention whoring. I feel embarrassed for them. At least she is age appropriate. I don’t know a lot about DK, but the opinions here are largely unfavorable. JJ seems like a decent guy. Why would he stick with her 10 yrs if she’s such bad news? I keep remembering a quote from AL where he said something like “the longer I know N, the more he is an enigma.” NR seems totally all over the place to me right now.

Anon: There’s a video of them kissing now. ~~mod~~ ok

Anon: Hey mod! Sorry to keep adding to this but I’m SO aggravated. Now she’s acting like CS posting pics from his apartment. An her fans are saying to stop bringing up Norman an respect her privacy to people. She doesn’t want privacy! Hence the photo! An the photos taken of them on the street the other night for a hour. If I’m w/ my bf I dont stop and post on SM things from his house. She wants everyone to know she finally got Norman. When will this “relationship” end 😭 personally he deserves better

Anon: Why would Norman be so open about his relationship? This PDA doesn’t fit to him, he never showed so much of his relationship, making out on the street, like in the video it looks like they were making a show. They just stood in the same street walked around kissed hugged just to make a show for the pap, my guess they called him, don’t know why

Anon: Re: the “lie.” Doesn’t it look like Norman’s reps said “friends” because of JJ? Timeline: Pic of Norman and DK at the car looking friendly with story about vacation. Rep said “friends.” Weeks later: picture of JJ kissing and snuggling with another woman at a restaurant. Stories: He’s moved on!! Two - three days later, Norman/DK are completely public. The “lie” was so JJ could say he moved on first. It had nothing to do with manipulating Norman’s fans. Anon: Daily mail has just released an article on NR and DK confirming their relationship and they’ve got a few new pics in there and in one of them NR is looking directly at the camera. I guess we know for sure it was planned and a bit staged now.

Anon: Mod - this was an absolute publicity stunt but I don’t understand why. It makes him look like the biggest possible lying fake asshole alive so why would he want that image? I’m secretly hoping this is some kind of early April Fools day joke.

Anon: Mod when do you think NR and DK became more than just friends? ~~ mod~~ would you be offended if i said i have no idea becasue i dont care enough about them as a couple to even guess. sorry if i sound like a jerk im still not feeling well

Anon: I hope Norman doesn’t think we’re just going to “get over it”? It doesn’t work that way. There is a difference between lying about who you ARE and just simply having a girlfriend. (I won’t even go into how fake SHE is) You Lied to the people that supported you Norman. This isn’t just jealous fangirls. This doesn’t just go away in a few weeks.~~mod~~ im sure he knows it isnt just gonna go away in a few days

Anon: Woke up today with tears in my eyes. Every day I used to go check out all he cool Norman/Daryl fan art on instagram. Now I can’t even look at him.~~mod~~ dont cry anon we can find you someone else to look at.

Jan: Listen up To those deeply upset and disturbed by Norman’s recent actions, please read this - Nothing in your life has actually changes NOTHING! You still breath the same air, work at the same place, hang with the same friends and are surrounded by people that love and care about you in REAL LIFE. You have never, nor will you ever, know the real man behind Norman Reeds and thats probably for the best. All that has happened is that the fantasy you have of him in your head is altered, but you have the power and control to change that narrative back at any point, back to thinking he is kind and sweet and honourable and all the other things that gave you comfort and joy, use him for whatever purpose you want - because I have news for you as a fan/consumer of his brand he is just USING you. He is clever, he will smile and be nice as pie if you are paying for his time, (he is a professional actor), what he is actually like once the show is over, behind closed doors, is probably a very different story that really would shock and upset you. He is part of an ugly dark industry and his values are probably way off the mark to what any of us would consider acceptable. The clues are all around us, the fake hollywood friends he has, the partying showbiz life he leads, his love of attention and the limelight, the blind after blind about his shitty behaviour. It does upset me to see people defending him with the best of intentions, when they have no clue that he doesn’t deserve defending, he is surrounded by wealth and privilege and I highly doubt he cares one bit what faceless avatars on the internet say about him when he is home surrounded by his millions of dollars and fake narcissistic hollywood friends. Me, I love Daryl and I will always love Daryl, he is a real sweetheart and the subject of many a fantasy, Norman not so much, I could never fantasise about someone like him -a shallow and highly privileged actor who can have any beautiful woman he desires at the drop of a hat, and knows it. His priorities are clearly material things, this set up relationship with DK that will be played out in the public eye will just be linked to and part of that agenda in some weird way…(I do have my theories as to why he is so keen to play along with it, but best kept to myself) So seriously people go back to your Daryl (or nice sweet Norman) fantasises… Whatever helps you sleep at night…

Anon: You know what’s even worse than finding out he’s a lying sneaking jerk? That he let her troll his fandom for the whole year. He let us try to defend him the whole time when it was all true. It just shows that his fans don’t really mean anything to him. He didn’t care that she was playing with us and mocking us. It’s just so unbelievable that he is the complete opposite of what he made us believe.

Anon: sorry but I feel betrayed. And before I get jumped on it’s not jealousy or that he can’t have a private life, it’s about thinking one thing about Norman and admiring that person for so long then suddenly finding out that it was all a lie. He made us think that he was our friend but he’s not. he’s laughing at us behind the scenes watching how we buy into the image that he made us think was the real him. it’s not him now. he’s a phony. anyone want walker stalker tickets? don’t want to meet him now ~~mod~~ no need to be sorry anon lots of people are feeling all kinds of way right now. i hear craiglist is a great place to sell those

Anon: God Mod it just breaks my heart to see how fake he looks. Allowing himself to be papped is something I never thought he would do. I admired Norman for being down to earth and real. Where is that man now? He’s gone. He sold out. He’s not who he claims to be. Honest? Lol nope. So this is the real Norman we have been tricked into supporting? He looks just as fake as we know she is. It’s so sad and disheartening and I never thought it would happen to him. He’s just like all the rest. :( So sad.

Anon: Wonder how this will work when he starts filming in May will she go to Georgia she doesn’t seem the country girl

Anon: Mod why do think NR’s reps have the statements that they were “just friends” 3 weeks ago only for them to walk done the street holding hands and kissing now? Do you think NR’s reps didn’t know about the relationship? Or he didn’t consult with them before going public? Or do you think it was all planned? I’m just really confused about the whole thing!

Anon: Sorry…this is a long one… People seem to focus on others being upset because he lied. But I think a lot of people are upset for 2 main reasons. One, they really don’t like DK. It is hard to swallow watching someone you like, date someone you hate. I had a good guy friend date a girl that the rest of us LOATHED. She was just a horrible person and we were all so disappointed when he started dating her. When we asked him why, he just replied, “well, she is not like that towards me”. Um..ok…so since she’s “nice” to you, it’s ok that she is a a-hole to everyone else? It lasted all of 4 months, but I just remember we were all so disgusted. So, anyway, I think that plays a big part in the fan hate. Fans love Norman and think he is wonderful/nice/kind/good to his friends and fans and they can’t understand how he could fall for someone who is the opposite of all those things. The second reason is the cheating. Let’s face it, this didn’t start AFTER she split from JJ. We would be naive to believe that. Personally, I think it started during the filming of SKY. They are together constantly, in the middle of nowhere, I am sure they got very close. Even if there was nothing physical, they could have been having an emotional affair…which is often worse than physical. Although we can argue that with his schedule and her being with JJ, they didn’t actually see each other a lot after filming SKY was over, they still could have been texting and calling, thereby continuing the connection and closeness that was formed during filming. Looking back, I can’t help but wonder if someone DID see them hooking up in a NYC bar (before the break-up with JJ). If they did in fact have an emotional connection, add a lot of alcohol to that and you can definitely lose control for a minute. Obviously, this is my own speculation, but no matter when the physical aspect of their relationship developed, I truly believe, the affair started long before it. As for the people talking about a possible pregnancy. I can see it. Even though Norman is pushing 50 and may not want a baby, as some people pointed out, it may not be up to him. There are many ways for a woman to “accidentally” get pregnant. Someone, I think it was PR wife, mentioned that DK’s star faded long ago. She is definitely someone who will do anything to bring attention to herself. Well, having NR’s baby would certainly bring the spot light. It may be far fetched but I think DK is really sketchy and I would not put it past her. I guess only time will tell if there is a baby as well as how long this thing will last. We shall see…

Anon:I gave a heads up months ago that Diane had a plan and that she and Norman were playing out a fantasy as if they were living their film “Sky”. Health issues included. But guess what comes next (not the end) ;)

Stephanie Kumke: Maybe it´s not DK in the photo, but come on, a naked bully with lights on it with the message “ Waking up to good News”… ~~mod~~ maybe she got a job that wasnt in Europe

Anon: Ya’ll need to be realistic. Daryl isn’t the cash cow of TWD anymore. Not sure if no one sees this but the ratings last week dropped. Why weren’t they higher? I mean Daryl was in it a lot yet they weren’t as good as the week before. I’ve noticed whenever Carol and the Kingdom are on the ratings go up. Seems like she’s more of a cash cow now. She makes more viewers tune in. So I really don’t get when people say Daryl is the No 1 cash cow. It’s not true. It may have been years back, but not anymore

Anon: It disgusts the shit out of me when I see people support their relationship and are happy and even say DK is gorgeous. Wtf NOTHING on this woman is gorgeous. She’s manipulative, attention whore and snobby. I can’t believe his fans (not all of them) support her. She’s the worst nightmare. Norman went down to her level. She is unsympathetic to fans, Norman clearly isn’t the man he claimed to be. Not sure if I’m more disappointed or disgusted because he played all of us the whole time for his image

Anon: I think some people are not getting it…NR didnt own anyone anything but he was not coherent and yeah he deceived and lied when he said he doesn’t like cheaters and loves honest people. Regardless of course he have the right to date who the fuck he wants. not my problem. now the way he did it, for someone that calls himself honest is very questionable when you can see CLEARLY how this pics were staged. When you stage pics like that and you claimed for years being the opposite of course people are going to question who you are and who was the person they have been a fan off all this years. People defended him exactly from this behavior. People defended him when people called him sell out and asshole and manwhore and honestly he just proves the others right. This have nothing to do with DK this have to do with him as a person and how he carries himself. He didnt assume her before because he was sticking his dick somewhere else too and the other kick him to the curb.

dandelioncherokee : Interesting. Norman and Diane are not looking AT EACH OTHER in one single picture. A loving couple would do that ALL THE TIME. One word. FAKE. I honestly haven’t got a clue WHY ALL THIS. Oh Norman,you had it going all good for you.Now I can only pray that the universe will give you another chance,so you can try to fix this. Kisses to you,mod ❤️hope you are alright.~~mod~~ i feel like i got kicked down 10 flights of stairs.. you flirting makes me feel better

Anon: I was just thinking about the happy anniversary post and the ‘comment’. Turns out the DK part of that was true and it makes me wonder how many of the other parts were also true. Maya Angelo said when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Eyes opened, I get it now and I’m just here for wicked gifs, and weird banter. Good things always come from bad, you’re the good thing Mod.

Anon: Pic look good, his fans on ig congrat to him so lol. Congrat to him too. We know here it so far from jealous but it is about who is this guy. Why he won’t hint their relationship at all.jdm said I think he’s single. So he happy it’s foiod but it different story from why he lid like liar, completely behave another and then be another man. And I didn’t see any pic that he look at her face. He smile to ppl. Wake up idiot fans! ~~mod~~ Please dont call fans idiots we all have our opinion

Anon: Another blog says they KNOW that Norman and DK were a thing since Sky. They supposedly have a source but won’t reveal it, they’re also saying no one knows if cheating was involved because no one knows the status of DK and JJ’ relationship. DK moved to NYC in late 2015 to be with JJ AFTER sky was finished. They bought a home together in LA in early 2016. So if her “source” is correct than yes, they were cheating all along, which makes the dec 2015 rumor seem not so false. They’re disgusting

Anon: Who knows…Maybe they both have an agreement? Maybe he agreed to help her with her image by doing this. He may think what’s the harm in helping a friend?? I am soooooo not on her side…I’m just trying to ration it out. Unfortunately we may never know. I still haven’t seen pics of them full on kissing. That one pic where they’re close looks like he was lighting a smoke. Hand holding? Even friends do that. He seemed pretty drunk anyway. Ugh and her IG? Tries to be like N & HC. UMM no.

Anon: Thinking if the 2 of them together makes me so ill but hey…He’s a big boy. I’ve been going thru the stages of grief (as stupid as that may sound) and I don’t regret smashing my DVD copy of Sky! Didn’t much like it anyway lol now I’m past the anger and just sad. I’m not as mad at N as I was a few days ago but I still think DK is a snake. I hope that he guards his heart from her nasty ways! I also think the whole thing with the paps is strange. N is very impulsive and sometimes too too nice!

Anon:Hahaha I share the same first name as DK, so at least I know when Norman is having sex he is screaming my name. Seriously tho at least she is age appropriate and who cares anyway. You are a fan of his work or not no matter who he is boning.

Anon:Is it me or is Norman avoiding liking DK IG posts? I believe he may have been drunk that night and is regretting what he did

rebellacycle:Are you going to watch jimmy Fallon tonight ? Wonder if he will talk about the new relationship. Or just TWD~~mod~~ i will probaly be asleep. probaly just talk about he twd

Anon:

Norman and Diane are happy and in love so the haters have already lost ✌🏼

Anon:

I have a question for those fans who keep saying things like “Be respectful of Norman’s private life!”…. But they’re the ones who are (unnecessarily!) publicizing it. They staged and sold pics and video. In PDA, the P doesn’t stand for Private. If they are not respecting their own relationship, why should we? Also is talking about Norman’s penis size respecting his privacy? So what exactly do y'all mean? They don’t seem to want that. They want people to talk, comment, click the links.

Anon

:Feel better soon Mod! I don’t understand something about the whole DK Shitshow. If this is legit (and not just publicity) then how come no other gossip sites are picking it up??? TMZ doesn’t have anything to say about it after they just ran the garage pics/got his denial?? It looks like People ENews DM UsWeekly and a few less known sites are the only ones going with it, so how come??? I don’t get it! I don’t understand how Norman can be one thing one day and the TOTAL OPPOSITE the next!??! WTAF

Anon: The photos and the video of NR and DK … Looking at it I just feel DK is walking with his trophy. She wants everybody to see her new toy, her little puppy that she will manipulate as she pleases. DK wants everyone to see his new trophy !! While NR smiles like a fool who does not understand the situation. Yes he became the DK puppet

anon:

I appreciate this blog and your work, but you have to moderate some comments that appear on your site. I read comments accusing Norman of lust after teenage girls. This is defamation and it is very serious. It is unbearable to see all this hate and these lies dumped on an actor we have supposed to love. It is all the more intolerable that currently the world is experiencing serious problems. Thousands of people are dying of hunger, London and Paris are the target of terrorists, but some people prefer to waste their time to dumped their hate on Norman. Treat him as if he was a criminal just because he’s in love and he lied because he didn’t want to reveal his private life in the press.I doubt that you post this message on your blog but I needed to say. Many of us live very difficult moments and see all this hate for a simple relationship is ridiculous. Some may express their disappointment but have no right to invent lies and spill their hatred. Sorry for my aproximative English, I hope to find a warm and funny blog. Good luck to you Mod….

~~mod~~ just a few things. 1.tumblr rarely lets me delete comments, the tumblr app hates me…2. the quickest way to get your post deleted is to say “you probaly wont post this”.. i hate that.

Anon:Hope you feel better soon mod. This is for when you do the bulk: at this point I think I’d be happier finding out he did accidentally get her pregnant one drunken night but actually can’t stand her and did this for appearances only and they aren’t really a thing. At least that way he would be the same guy who just made one huge mistake while intoxicated. One night stands happen all the time. But being with her?? it changes everything about him and it makes him a liar.

Anon:

been two days I haven’t looked at anything to do with N and I still can’t get over this. He’s a complete fake. short of telling us he was abducted by aliens and this was an imposter in his body I will never understand. ’s like he just revealed that he is the opposite of everything he made people believe for the past seven years. Liar. Fake. Hollywood. Stupid. Ingenuine. That’s what this makes him look like now. It makes me want to cry. someone say it was all a nightmare. where’s the real norman

Anon

:Happy Today, Mod! I hope your body parts will all in good working order soon. Please take care of yourself. The drama of Norman Reedus means nothing in the long run. Kind people like you who take the time to create community are what matters!

Anon:If DK’s marrage broke down because she cheating then norman gotta run far and fast, they cheat WITH you they cheat ON you. You should look at enty and type in Norman reedus/Diane Kruger this shit been stirring for a while Anon:Will Jimmy Fallon grill Norman about DK? ~~mod~~ dont know

Anon

:Have you seen the pap walk pics & videos?? Omg I’ll swear DK slipped a Mickey Finn in Norman’s whiskey. For him to agree to call the paps on himself, something was totally wrong with him! I don’t recognize that Norman. DK is destructive & opportunistic. She manipulated her way into his life from day one when she recommended him for the SKY role. She is as TOXIC as they come! Wtf’s he doing with her? He’s in self-destructive mode, I pray he comes to his senses in Ga surrounded by good ppl.

Anon:Diane manipulates the media and manipulates Norman. An avid woman who likes to manipulate her little world. How can people defend it? I saw her in truth, she behaves like a haughty princess.

Anon:I no longer see goodness in Norman.

Anon

:Just canceled my trip to San Fran wsc. I was gonna meet him but I can’t even look at him nevermind meet him. How are we supposed to pretend he’s the same guy? He’s NOT what he told us he was! It’s NOT bc of a gf but 1) that it’s HER of all ppl (she is the epitome of famewhore sell out and no one I’ve talked to who met her have ANYTHING nice to say) and 2) He LIED about everything. He’s not any of the things we thought, made his reps look stupid and sold out to let himself be papped. WTF is that

anon

: Personally I’m wondering if she got him drunk, got him to agree to this to make the rumors look true, and that he was too wasted to care. This is NOT the guy we know and love. This is also coming from a mutual friend of his not just some fan. he never calls the media, like TMZ on himself. He’s a private, fairly normal dude, and that’s why I think DK set it up. To boost her American publicity and get noticed for work here. Sad, sick, and sketchy.

Anon: I’m definitely over reading about it Mod but I don’t understand how anything is gonna go back to the way it was anyway so I vote to keep it on the main blog. He’s a lying jerk and this is what we have to see now every day because how can we not if he’s seriously with her. I think I’m gonna have to quit being his fan altogether bc I can’t take her I don’t want to see her ridiculous face every single time he goes anywhere ~~mod~~ here the thing its an N blog, i dont have to post anything with her in it. im really good at cropping things out of pics.

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openmymindup-blog · 7 years

Text

Beautiful minds

I was outside on a cloudy day, I remember looking at these wooden carpentry pencils and old rusted pocket knives; they were all red, my grandfathers facorite color. He was a very beautiful man, he would tell us stories about how he could chew a penny open with his teeth, or that we could build air planes out of cardboard; and we tried. He inspired me and my older sister to dream, to think of things even if they seemed hard. He was my favorite out of my whole family. I found this bouncy ball after most of my family gathered at my house to morn his death. I felt hurt, but I didnt want all the hugs, I just wanted to be alone and feel my own feelings. I remember looking up at the sky and something really strong pulled at me, I'll never forget the way it felt because I still feel it to this day. It spoke to me with out words, with out physical apearance. It told me that spirits of people that die dont die with them, that there are other places they go, and suddenly I didnt feel hurt anymore, maybe his absense kind of hits me once in a while, but I always remember that he is out there, and as long as I know this I have no reason to morn. This is when things changed for me. Right after my grandfathers death I started having dreams, I guess I could also call them memories. I have always been able to remember my dreams often, and rarely have a night that I dont dream. I was watching my older sister blow out her birthday cake, we were outside on a cooler day. Her birthday cake was purple and green, I remember how short her hair was and the face she made looking up, but I was standing in mid length looking down at her. I asked my mother about this and she told me I was still in the womb. She was almost seven months pregnant with me. Growing up, even home schooled I had a sensere since of self, of knowing who I was, and the body I have inherited. I never complained about not having toys or getting what I wanted, I had a strong sense of responsibility and love towards others. Although my parents were both mentally and physically abusive I still saw them, not as my parents but as people who were lost, who didnt know what they were doing. A lack of self love was immediatly noticeable to me as a child. None the less I continued to soak up my surroundings and analyze all that I could, all with the same feeling I feel today, like this is all temporary and for some odd reason I was chosen to be here. My first organized facination with being human was the emotion we call love. I recognized all these boys in school as objects of effection, thats not to say I went around loving and falling inlove with everyone. I greatly appreciated people for their characters, I thought they were playful, fun and open minded as most youth seem to be. Each individual person had their own energy and even though I had no clue why I dated them just to see what they were about, not out of deep love or desire more out of curiousity, I kept doing it and the more I did the more I got to see the truth behind human nature. Though youth seem to still be organizing or changing their own charactors, they also seemed to be altered by atmospheric changes or ego. Often those who did not have a keen sense of self would follow crowds or copy what others did just to see where they fit in, or so they fit into a social norm. Which is natural for human nature but its not the defining act that makes us powerful in our own ways. In all the years I spent getting to know all these different characters, watching them grow, do bad things to each other and neglect human connection for human desire, I noticed the foundation beneath all of these activities was a reflection of how people felt about themselves. Boys desired girls strongly. Even seeking revenge for not getting what they wanted; I could assume male hormones at this age played a great part, how ever some of the acts were out of anger and built up negativity from family life, even a social life that was not spiritually promising nore progressive. No one was there to make them think about themselves, just a constant distraction of learning about the world but self last. This is where I learned alot about love and how others go about it. None of them seemed to love themselves this showed in alcohol abuse, self harm, fights, even using meth. I guess logically I have to point out that the atmopshere in which children and teens grow up does influence and play a huge rule in who they become and how they love, how ever most of their stories and actions in future adventures were based on a non-self love attitude which they got from their envirenment. I saw alot of parental abuse, big lashes of bruises and even blood from a fight, this made them feel unloved, unwanted, not good enough and in return it reflected on their desires, the people they hung out with and the drugs they took etc. I delt with alot of family conflict as a child, my father was extremely abusive, I went to school with bruises on my wrist, a black eye from my mother which resulted in divorce. I was what seemed like a problem for my family. I asked too many questions or on projects I wasnt allowed to do things on my own, so I started to do things with out asking becuase I knew if I sat around and waited my turn no one would let me have it. So instead of asking to get my training wheels taken off I took them off myself, instead of asking what cloths I could get I got them myself, instead of asking if I could stay out and party all night I did it and never felt bad for one minute of it. I knew safety, I knew that I was supposed to take care of my body and those around me. At 13 I started disapeaing from home and even spend months at a friends house, some of them I even reffered to as mom and dad because they played better roles than my father did, my mother disapeared from the picture at the age of twelve. I was the one driving my drunking friend from a party who stole her step parents care at 3am, taking care of her step brother and sister, I did everything I could to take care of those I loved and at my own expense, mean while still drinking and smoking pot. I went a few years with out contact of that force that pulled at me that one day, and I had a very human journey, but love still grew inside of me deeper than the ocean and I knew with my actions I would speak the loudest of them all because everything I did was to nurture myself or nurture others, nothing ever done out of revenge or hate towards others not even my abusive parents. The time and space I gave myself away from others was to heal, people got mad yes, but I knew what healed me and I knew what was good for me and what was not. The only reason I loved really broken people was because I knew their stories and I knew they needed a positive roll model, even broken and hurt as I was, I stayed for their sake, and in this I broke myself some more, but I knew it would happen, it was love that got me in and love that got me out. I was never able to verbalize the things I felt, the things I heard in silence. I could feel pain in someone while they were smiling. I could feel the desire to run away in feet that stuck around. I knew what they wanted, but no way to say it, no way to let it out. It wasnt until fall of 2013 that I discovered how to do it. I went to a barterfair with a friend of mine who was going to fry on mushrooms with me and basically baby sit me. I remember the rustic taste in my mouth, it reminded me of the dirt that was left on the leaves of the vegieables that I would eat straight out of my mothers garden as a child. A very earthy taste. Even through my nervousness, my bloody nose that followed, my heart told me it was right. I needed to do this for me. I ate a little bit and walked over to this group of people all talking, a weird sensation that I had peed my pants was strong, even asking if I had pissed my pants. I sat down and everything slowed down, I remember every one talking and I was watching their mouths move but the sound seemed to be mute. Something in the woods was calling me, alot like that pull I felt from the sky, just more stronger, more full of love. I sat up and I started walking, as I was on my way to a patch of woods I felt my knees get weak, a pain inside of my chest I needed to feel filled me to the very ends of my toes. I felt a love so strong for earth, for the grass and trees, I felt one with it. After making it to a safe secluded area of woods away from people I dropped to my knees and I pulled at the grass, crying my eyes out and I remember saying repeatively " I'm so sorry" over and over again. When I look back on it I know why I felt that way. Humans are parasites, very neglectful, self satisfying creatures who destroy earth for personal gain, this was what I was feeling. Apologetic to the needs of earth hit me like an astroid. I spent a good two hours in the woods talking to the trees and petting the grass in my own love for earth, for having compassion in what matters most. When I made my way out of the woods I whiped my eyes dry and walked around the fair, looking at rocks and different peices of jewelry that people were selling. I felt connected to all the people I spoke to, they were in their own energy, I could feel them thinking their own thoughts, and the ones walking around with broken hearts and sad optimism. I sat down with a friend I went to high school with and I started telling him about himself, about his striving character and how all people are like dirty dish clothes, they are all used up but thats what makes them so beautiful. I remember saying that to alot of people, and I felt so much love and compassion for them it has never been so clear in my life as to why I am here, I was a mirror and when people can see themselves not through judgement but through truth they can change out of self love. I wanted to be that mirror. I think empathy and judgement can be mistaken for one another. While some people are out there telling people they are broken in some sort of method to destroy someones spirit or make them feel worthless, there are those of us who can see a broken heart and instead of telling them with hidden agendas we tell them out of love, and once someone knows that they can be seen, they feel naked, they feel that someone understands. Depending on how open the person is, they can either take it as judgement or an option to open up and make changes. I have often been told that by observing the human race I am also making judgements, but let me ask you when you hear me speak, who am I speaking for? If I make a broken mass about my own desires, that I dislike it, that I hate people for being the way they are, that is judgement. You will always hear me say that I hope really good things for those who have wronged me for I am the one who suffers when I harnis negative energy against them. I can look at a man and say "he is wearing a pink shirt" -that is an obervation, a judgement often times sounds like this "wow, he is wearing a pink shirt, he doesnt look good in it because pink is an ugly color" not only is it not my part to say what he looks good in, but I would be harnising a resentful energy against someone I dont even know, and for what? Humans are conditioned to self serve, which can be out of ego or out of love. When we truly love ourselves and forgive those who have hurt us we not only nurture our spirits but we nurture others as well. The drive to nurture others is based on our desire to take care of ourselves and the knowledge we obtain during the journey of self love is so intense and uplifting that to hold it in would be wasteful if we didnt show others how we got to where we are. You will know you have reached your most loved self when it becomes harder to hold in all that information that got you into that self love state.

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raineforever-blog1 · 6 years

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“””The Reality”””

CN: LONG, segmented, oddly narrative post about: changes with me, Bad Bunnies Porn Collective, and whats up with Lillian Fiona // a true story, AKA 'them's which are the breaks'

Trigger warnings posted ahead of each section

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⬆️ solution/dissolution ⬇️

[TW: Trauma mention]

about six months ago, i experienced something that changed how i view life and my place in it. these changes started about a year ago, brought on by some combination of who i was at the time, and extreme stress and trauma. it was like a pressure cooker... which i guess means that, while i was just ingredients before- now i have become stew.

that pressure cooker was trauma and memory integration, and me taking a cold hard look at myself and my role in the world. many of you don't know this, but during almost the entire time I've been Lillian Fiona, i had dissociative amnesia, and was in what some would call a DID fugue state, and others would call a demonic invokation.

What even more of you don't know, is that that wasn't the first, but perhaps the seventh or eighth major fugue state I've been in in my life. During each, i would go thru the pattern of amnesia, becoming a new person, remembering, personality destruction, amnesia and rebirth again. This all ended this Summer, and I've been getting used to the changes, adjusting to myself in this new world. Before June, my memories were restricted to 2015-present, and a few years in high school.

When the amnesia happens, sometimes i just forget, other times i have alternate memories disconnected from my physical reality. what was different with Lillian, despite being a stronger force than any of my previous incarnations, is that she was aware that she was not me. she knew she was inhabiting a body that was not hers, that she had no connection to it or its world.

in her memories, she was a demon sent from hell on an anarchic mission to destroy the gates of heaven and hell, and to equalize the stratification of beings in all worlds. It felt like an invocation into an empty body. She checked for a soul, and finding none, thought it was hers to use. But she wasn't sure exactly how to interpret her mission.

Then, in a flash of inspiration, she created the idea of Bad Bunnies Porn Collective, to unite, uplift, and strengthen trans sex workers into an anarcho syndicalist take over of the porn industry. For a while, she believed this must be it. It fit the bill of oppression and liberation that so many of her memories of hell touched on.

Those of you that knew or worked with me during that time, probably sensed this robotic sense of purpose and lack of connection to human emotion in her. Lillian only cared about one thing- completing this mission of creating the collective, leaving in place a means for the lowest rung of stratified society to elevate and and reduce the hold of poverty on those of us that still live in hellish circumstances. It made perfect sense to her mission at the time, and honestly still does to me. except one part.

See, Lillian didn't need people. She didn't need love, self care, sex, friends or partners. She didn't have doubts, get lonely, feel unconfident. All of that was meaningless to her, fluffy stuff meant for humans. She saw only the battle, the mission. In retrospect, i know our body was coursing with adrenaline the whole time, constantly reliving a metaphor of trauma, juxtaposed by my mind over reality, in total crisis mode. This wasn't the first time i had gone thru this, only the most powerful time.

Lillian was also stronger than just about anyone I've ever met. definitely stronger than any of my previous incarnations. This strength she applied to her mission was also applied to herself, eventually. because after a little while, her reality started to break up.

The amnesia was not total- she began to see hints of a soul in this body. Someone who wasn't her, someone human. Memories, phobias, nightmares, unexplained reccuring imagery raised more questions than answers. She started to wonder why she didn't feel emotions, even love, if she dedicated her life to what was essentially an empathetic act of love. she started to search for the answer, because if there was a soul in this body, she couldn't justify using it, even to help so many other people.

She was dissociative. Her mind would blip at random times, and suddenly she'd rip from our shared reality into another world, and would have to live through some story before she could return, like little mini games. often yeilding clues about the truth she sought after so much. So she dove into these dream states when they would come, determined to find the truth, and satisfy her compulsion towards justice.

🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁 🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁 🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁 🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁 🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁 🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁🕳🎁 🕳🎁

II 👁 resolution 👁

[TW: child sexual abuse]

Example: one time while lying in bed with her girlfriend, she suddenly dissociated so quickly that she fell hard on the bed, and found herself in another world: there were mountains, it was Winter, and she was standing in knee high plants. A group of monsters approached her; vampires. They wanted to offer her a deal. She didn't trust them, but, being the extra powerhouse demon that she was, she agreed, to see what she could find.

They descended a dark staircase, where they came to a woman on a stone alter, in bloody birth labor. It was clearly to something horrible; some kind of vampire creature that would take over the body. The vampires wanted us to surrogate this child into physical reality through my body. I don't know what all the metaphors are, but perhaps this was the deeply hidden, so-human urge to choose righteous rage over clear sighted uncertainty. Maybe it would have led us deeper into amnesia and trauma re-enactment. I don't know.

But Lillian declined, noticing a small, scared girl in the corner of the room. She was obviously uncared for, neglected and abused. Afraid. Lillian immediately wanted to save her. She didn't know why, but she knew this was what she came for. She told the vampires that if they would let her have the girl, she would considering birthing their monster into the world. they agreed, Lillian took her, and woke up back in our world.

What's special here, is when she woke up from this dream, that little girl ( her name is Ori), was with her. They both coexisted in my body, a little family. Ori was traumatized, and very sweet. She loved everyone, but scared easily. She had reccurrent flashbacks to memories Lillian couldn't make sense of. Of being bitten by vampires and made into one of them, which she desperately didn't want to be. She just wanted to be a little girl, not a hateful monster.

Ori's memories were reccurring, and would hit at random. It was always the same- a shrouded figure, much bigger than her, attacking her in bed. Then, the pain and the knowledge that she had been changed forever. Years of despair, hiding in shadows, afraid. And then, of Lillian, and warmth, in 2016.

Seeing it over and over, it began to make sense. The images in this memory & the things that happened were directly tied to phobias and nightmares that had plagued her nights, which she couldn't explain before. They were almost the same as Ori's memories... Hell, vampires, hiding in darkness. Perseverence amid panic. Common themes.

There was a reason Lillian was as intense as she was, why she had that non-stop fire for truth and justice. Why she wasn't afraid to dedicate her life to a task. She was exactly what was needed to stop the cycle of amnesia, rebirth, remembering, and ego death i'd been going through since 1998. My consciousness needed strength it couldn't fathom to set things right, so it summoned the unfathomable- a manic ball of energy focused on truth and justice. I dont pretend to know if Lillian was a DID alter or a demonic version of a guardian angel, though i tend to think of her as the latter.

Just as she used this energy originally for Bad Bunnies, she eventually switched, instead using it searching for me, and drawing me back into this world. She felt she owed it to me. In searching, she found my other incarnations and their memories, getting closer to the truth, and she applied the same logic she used to build the porn collective to my own plural system- that everyone shares power and profits. At one point, there was about a dozen here. You can see them in my old pictures. But not me. I wasn't here yet.

Near the end, she became desperate; all her clues kept leading into something she couldn't predict, which may or may not succeed. An unknown she would wager everything she'd worked for so far. It was a harsh bet, for sure. but she believed in justice, and this meant she could not steal my life from me.

In the end, she gave her life to me.

💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀 🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀 🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀 🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀 🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀🗝️💀 🗝️💀🗝️💀

III 💎 fusion 💎

[TW: Body horror, DID integration]

Around June of this year, she'd found me. My mind is dissociative, and creates worlds for me. it visualizes everything, my feelings and emotions. i used to be able to feel them like health bars on a video game, and sense impending dissocation like a dust storm on the horizon. Like narrative, constant, psychic synaesthesia. i still have this.

And when I was drawn out of that void, i came as a corpse ripped from a dream into a terrible reality. it was this sense of horror in realizing i had been here, unknown and rotting, all along. Like reverse doom- finding there had been hope all along, and i'd slept on it. i remember it clearly: in mid-June the flesh hung from my bones in tatters, my heart was like beef jerky, and reality itself stung like rubbing alcohol. I hated the light (still do, tbh). but Lillian was ecstatic- she'd found me.

During this time, we experienced a flood of memories and emotions that lasted for about 6 weeks. i was laid up in bed, and my room was like a theatre of my life. i remembered everything, it was all i could see- my childhood, coming out as a trans, living on the streets, New York, drugs, violence, and jail, then who i became after, then Lillian. it scared me to realize i'd remembered and forgot living on the streets and New York twice already. I remembered remembering it after forgetting, and then forgetting it again.

i also realized this was not the first time Lillian had been here, it was just the strongest. she'd shown up and changed my life at key points in the past, when i would get a rush of inspiration/action and change my life, all the way back to childhood. At the end of my last major fugue state right before transition, Lillian continually showed up in magical workings, dissociations, dreams, and the dozens of stories he would write back then.

i remembered it all, everything, all the people i'd been. During this remembering, I had Lillian and my previous incarnations- my alters- with me, guiding me. there was more love in that time between us than i'd ever felt with anyone else in my entire life. We were a family, and before they even knew if Lillian was going to bring me back, they built their lives around each other, around loving each other.

i still feel that love, even though they're not here like that anymore. They became me, I'm made of them, built from their love that made us all strong enough to come together to create me and remember the truth. Now I'm a siphonophore.

As each new major memory came thru, we began to see that their memories (of vampires, of hell, of prison, of dying over and over again) were metaphors of my life. their memories were my memories, and as they realized this, they integrated into me, and i would grow. Flesh spread on my bones, blood ran in my veins. My heart grew at a rate that would make Dr Seuss scoff. My corpse-like body started to grow out of death. In the end, only me, Ori, and Lillian remained.

they were real people. i don't mean to suggest they werent, that they were just figments, because that isnt true. They lived here, at different times, sometimes for years.. they had lives, loves, fears. and they each suffered unnecessarily in their own way. And just as with my suffering of hopelessness, theirs was mostly alleviated by this integration. coming together to become me ended their suffering. I feel that every day, and try to live true to myself, so that they didnt give it up in vain. It's easier to love myself when i know it means im loving them.

Lillian knew she'd lose control of the body when it ended. she knew this may mean not completing Bad Bunnies, and leaving this world relatively unchanged. but she knew this was right, because she was nothing if not the embodiment of her own praxis, living true to her beliefs. and to her there was no choice- she could not take my body from me, even to help so many people. It would quite simply be wrong.

she left me notes, instructions, little reminders here and there. i keep them close, read them, and miss her terribly sometimes. but just like the others, she eventually remembered enough, and saw that her mission here was me. That her memories of hell corrosponded with my years of torment, my strongest points of change, growth, and action, corrosponded with times she was strongest in my conscious mind, and therefore she was the one with the power to change it.

Nowadays, i feel her in whispers of my own personality, that may well be more like my own reflections of the most important person i've ever met. I tend to stay scientific for other peoples sake, because any mention of magic can cause whole swaths of your community to disavow your ability to ever see reality.

And so i have this urge to say, yeah, the others selves that i integrated did seem to be born of my experiences, and their alternate memories made perfect metaphors for the memories i'd forgot. it would make sense for her, too. Her previous memories of hell could have been metaphors created by the dissociated mind of a hyper abused child in a hyper religious family, a way to hide the torment. Her mission to destroy the gates of heaven and hell could have been metaphors the hell of the buried memories, the confused Earth of the amnesia, the heaven of the integrated person i would become ( ;) ). It could have been all on the sciency up and up.

but that just doesnt feel right, and it never did. I still dont feel that she was an alter, another version of me. i can feel very plainly that i’m built out of the others. I feel their traits, hopes, loves inside me. They *are* me. i also feel Lillian, her essence and everything she is, amorphous and shifting. I feel similar to her, changed to more closely resemble her, but she is not me. Not exactly. She comes and goes, and right now- has left me in control of the body. Some people beleive in guardian angels, and im ok with that. It would make sense that mine would be a demon.

But sometimes i think: is that it? Did she become me, or just pass the torch? Did i integrate her? Or does she come and go? To me, it makes sense either way. All I know is that she realized her purpose here was me, and that part is now done.

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IV 🌊 Raine 🌊

i'm still getting used to this reality, to knowing my truth. i have a lot of memories. They're all mine, but they're mostly created by the others. I feel at once that they are mine, but also whoever was running the body at the time. I feel like i've only existed as me for six months, and its taken me this long to discover who i am, and what i want to be.

i thought at first i could continue like her, and bring bad bunnies into fruition. i thought this because i know i am built of the same stuff as her, but also because it IS a good idea, and would work if it were created, and would help a ton of people. its useful, and it is good.

but im not Lillian. and Lillian, whatever she is, had to be human to be here. She had to use my body. And that constant level of work she put into things, those 14 hour days, took a toll. I've had fibromyalgia for 12 years, but Lillian didn't know that. Our mind dissociated away from it. So she kept going as if it wasnt happening.

Now that she's gone, and perhaps because of the sheer amount of stress she took on, my symptoms and illnesses have become more severe. all of them, it seems, exacerbated by this stress. It's not a question of whether i even can finish the work she started. The question now is, can i cook dinner tonight? can i make it to my next doctors appointment? even sex work seems unnattainable. I know i couldnt finish BB if i wanted to, bc my body would shut down within a few weeks.

But it's not just health. Lillian use to marvel at how other people could exist in their lives, and just play video games, do art, and hang out with their friends and partners while the world burned. but i understand it, very well. They did it for the same reason i want to: because we are human. because we feel, have doubts, and experience love. We all can't be perfect working machines, even in times of duress.

and thats good, if not ideal. the world would be very logical if we all dedicated our lives to fixing it, and thats probably necessary. but we cant force it on any one, or ourselves, and think we are doing right. on some level, the job has to fall on those who are passionate about it and have the power to change it.

I'm no longer than person. I’m not going to be leaving everyone hanging, and I'll be writing out all the major plans and plots of bad bunnies for those who remain, and do my best to give them what they need to finish it, if they do. this is probably an odd, elongated way of telling you (and trust me- the oddness is not lost on me), but i dont know how else to. i still care very much about having a positive impact to those around me, but i want to apply it more personally, rather than a self-sacrificing, all-or-nothing defense of ideas and systems.

To me, the idea of applying this reflection of Lillian in me to the people i care about seems about as close to heaven as i can get. the world outside will probably burn, and its a shame i couldnt do more to help stop that part. but in the end, im just trying to make the best of a world that so often resembles hell, and hopefully make it easier on the people i love, including those still inside me.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

With siphonophoric demon love, ~ Raine & Ori

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