#it ultimately ended up just kind of being stream of consciousness
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the thing about me is that in my mind i have like a full on fix it for dsmp and if i wanted to i could write down the base timeline and at least give a semi-good ending and tie up to everyones plotlines (i try to follow everyones story at least) and like over and over i just keep coming back to the fact that what would fix dsmp is for these characters to like. be properly treated as if this is their life. if theres one thing to nitpick about how the lens through which the smp is told its that the streaming thing both makes some parts of it extremely interesting while also hindering it because uh
a lot of the characters are sometimes hindered by the fact that theyre connected to cc lives and sporadic streaming schedules. some characters like quackity manage to feel like theyre really Living in the smp because we often get a proper explanation of what the fuck theyre doing when the cc isnt streaming their pov. but some like tubbo can feel more detached because well. cctubbo himself has admitted that he doesnt really think about ctubbo or what ctubbo does when the cc isnt playing him lmao
but like. to me a lot could be benefitted by giving some more depth to the fact that these characters are like. theyre not Kept Here. even outside of wilbur being from utah theres a lot that points to rhe fact that yes, there is a whole world outside of the world we see on the server, characters Can leave. but they dont. and like. they need Reasons for why the hell theyre staying here, why they keep coming back. and obviously, its because of attachments. but i feel the characters could be more. In the world. have relationships that would naturally develop from just being near each other (one example i often think of is tubbo and ponk, not only have they often butted heads but ponk was also schlatts doctor and one of his few supporters during a time where schlatt was ruining tubbos life on a personal level). think about what the hell they do when they arent on stream
a lot of issues with the later seasons, for me, comes from the fact that the smp became depressingly. Empty. and that wasnt narratively tapped on, because most complaints about how people werent logging on was, well, the ccs talking from a meta standpoint. but. realistically. while there would be a permeating Empty feeling, especially if we're to go with a no citizens dsmp setting.. the characters are still often within range to talk to each other and hang out? they still . live when theyre not onscreen. realistically theyre not going to just.. stand in the same place doing nothing for months until the ccs decide to pick up their story again
but when told through a lens that doesnt rely on whats shown onscreen and doesnt rely on a medium thats mainly about interacting with Fans, theres a chance to fill up the smp. make relationships that didnt happen onscreen. what if tubbo and charlie met before charlie died, what if foolish talked to sam more, how Does fundy function when hes so far away now, what if wilbur met some of the newer members like aimsey, etc etc. fill in on story lines that couldnt be achieved due to time or forgetting or due to worry over interest from fans. eryns knightship, ranboos lab, phil discovering that wilbur lied in his letters, how did tubbo feel about quackity and wilbur after ho16, etc etc. there can be more added to the world that mightve felt weird to roleplay (characters gaining disabilities due to death and war, a Lot about cbeeduo, tommy talking about exile, etc etc)
sooo many things could be fixed or at least made a bit better just by like. grounding the characters and world a bit more. make them actually react to whats happening to each other even when it isnt obviously relevant to their own story, give them connections outside of already established cc friendships, make them take certain things more seriously if their character would do so. shit like that
#remember when everyone would react to the shit going on with pogtopia and manberg#remember when foolish would end up making other characters open up just by being New and asking questions#(rather similarly to what aimsey and eryn did with eret but not as many people focused on that unfortunately)#like. ykwim .#this is very stream of consciousness#and very unstructured. ultimately i am just rambling here#dsmp#mask mews#amaryllis analyzes#kind of.#unfortunately this interest still has me in its grasps#it takes. a Long fucking time for me to move on from spins </3
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FF/Nier/PSO/DR. WHO/DRAKEN GUARD/Chrono Trigger--Connection
The ultimate theory of everygame.
I got this idea from watching an FFXIII stream where they were killing shoopuffs from FFX (Tortoises)
Which links those two worlds together via shoopuff.
In FFXIII, the humans are living in/on an artificial planet called cocoon. Which could be thought of as a moon to the inhabitants of Gaia. Which there aren't any until they come down from the moon to escape persecution.
Because life was good in cocoon, why leave. The "Gods here" protect and feed us. (kind of an artificial Eden.)
But what's interesting is that, a second uninhabited planet isn't a foreign concept to the FF series. In FFIX they call it the "Red Moon". And "artificial humans" reside in it. They look like Saiyans, without the super technically they can go super Saiyan, but the regular humans can do it too. So I don't know if there's a difference like in DBZ.
There's a lot of lore connecting the Red Planet and Gaia, non as much as in the movie "Spirits Within" which said that the inhabitants of the red planet (which were monstrous in comparison to humans) were actually human souls from earth. And the whole plot of the movie is a war between the humans and the red planet.
Except for the main character "Aki Ross". Who has constant dreams about the red planet. Except there's a sort of "minority report" thing going on where they monitor your dreams, just in case you're being "mind controlled " by the moon people.
So she understandably erases the records of her dreams, and starts pursuing a "reunification route". Which was just allowing those human souls to return to earth, and to not continue hostilities, which were kind of started by earth as a form of self-defense.
To which she also becomes a villain in her own home, but the real villain is the General Hein. Who ends up trying to blow up the entire red planet. And pursues this with hyperfixation, because he doesn't believe there can be another way with a being he can't communicate with.
In Neir 1, the humans are affected with the "black scrawl" (the flood from Dr. Who on Mars) and humans try to figure out a way to save the affected humans, while also trying to create a kind quarantine for the infected individuals)
In Neir:A we learn that the humans were sent away to the moon. And the Androids believe this to be the actual moon. But the robots, and the Androids continually keep being infected with a kind of virus said to come from the black scrawl itself. Which is why the Android Team keeps creating new Androids as a replacement. Because if they can all be infected, then they'll all infect the human population when they eventually return too.
But it turns out, in the game, the "virus" is built into the Androids core (their black boxes, which they share with the machines)
Here's the Theory; the "Moon" they were sent to was to the "Red Planet". And the humans didn't leave that info behind so that anything left on the planet wouldn't know.
Now I connected Dr. who in here, somehow. (So maybe it's just a coincidence) but what about the other stuff? Well we already know the black scrawl comes from drakenguard. That's the premise of Nier 1.
And the black scrawl infects both humans AND machines. Just like the villain from PSO: Dark Falz (Fals? Falls? False?) (Wait. Does DFV stand for Dark False Value? Like, a null value? Or like a bit that can switch from false? Like viruses and malware tend to do?)
What does that also sound similar too? Demise and The switch Zelda Games Gannon? Are the chosen ones *also* robots?
But here's the thing, The FFXIII earthlings aren't *actually* from Cocoon. They were from earth, they were put into stasis from *before*. Something that happened to a lot of humans left stranded in Nier one. And the waking up of humans to reunite their bodies with their *souls* created replicants. Or cloned humans with their own souls, memories, and consciousness.
A big portion of the ending was accepting that for humanity to continue, was to let the replicants, to continue to exist. Because trying to revive themselves, trying to live forever just meant them fighting against their "replicants" or rather "humanity's children".
But a visitor from Drakenguard, an Android, Accord, undoes the choice Nier made, because Kaine couldn't let him go. (If you get the "good" ending, your save file gets erased. But then you unlock a secret bonus game from the Nier:Replicant remake which undoes that decision.
Because neither could live in a world without the other.)
This is why I'm Nier:A Emil is left alone without anybody. (His head kinda looks like the Moon from Majora's Mask, doesn't it?)
So now there's this cocoon that travels to the dark reaches of the galaxy and isn't always visible to the telescoped eye on earth, and that planets name in the Phantasm Star Series? RykRos.
What other cataclysmic event forces humanity to this moon?
Lavos, deemed an "alien parasite" responsible for all the evil in the world. And responsible for the end of the world, per the future timeline in Chrono cross.
What else exists in Chrono Trigger? Time gates. Where did these time gates come from? They were created by the Goddess Etro which is explained during the events of FFXIII-2, and used by Hope with the "hopes" of reuniting with Lightning (his mentor and mother figure on FFXIII-1.)
What ends up happening is a null timeline is created, which Lighting ends up herding all the leftover souls from that timeline, to a new one which is possibly earth, thanks to Lightning cutting a deal with Louis Vuitton as spokesperson and model. But I'm not so sure about that.
PSO2 is a video game in the Earth that the heros travel to which is supposed to represent the "real world" as well. And in our real world, both PSO2 AND Lightning are not *real* places and people. As far as I know.
So it must be an alternate earth, and who's to say they aren't connected?
Who's to say their souls weren't trapped into some giant computer that simulates earth? The main *not villain* of that particular PSO2 chapter is a being called "Mother". And the only other time we see a "Mother" is the "Mother Brain" both present in PS2 and Super Metroid.
Lightning in "Lightning Returns" was shown to have a personal battle herself, being split into two characters; Her logical side, controlled by Bhunivelze, who wants to scrap humanity, and her emotional side, influenced by the Goddess Etro, who wants to save humanity as it is.
What if; Lightning was separated in twain by the Black scrawl, and that's why her counterpart "Lumina" is distinct. What if, Lumina is a Replicant, and Lightning is what's left of her logical soul.
Just like Nier in Nier 1.
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stuck in funpoison world rn and you are The funpoison guy to me so please.. any spare funpoison thoughts for the poor?? 🥺
WHEE i’m honored!! and YES i would love to talk about them ❤️❤️❤️
FIRST AND FOREMOST i’ve been rewatching the mandalorian so i’ve been thinking about the fab four mandos au again which means that i’ve been considering mando’a again which MEANS i’ve been thinking about funpoison + “Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum” (“i love you” in mando’a, literal translation “i will know you forever”). AUGH AUGH AUGH AUGH AUGH AUGH. they are SOOOOOOO.
in unrelated thoughts, stream of consciousness style. they love each other SO much like before they’ve started dating kobra likes to make fun of poison because they will straight up just Stare at ghoul with this really big goofy smile just SO “anything you say, baby” but he also makes fun of ghoul because he’s always making excuses to touch them, to brush hair behind their ears and clean up their makeup for them and squeeze their hand. once they’ve started dating they’re SO shy with being affectionate around each other just because it’s so new but poison really loves being held and ghoul makes them feel safe so it’s not uncommon to see them curled up together on the couch with their hands wound together. and ghoul will blush and grin and roll his eyes whenever jet or kobra walk by but just sweep poison’s hair out of their face and tuck them a little closer.
ghoul likes to say they’re soulmates not because their love story lacked any hardship or was fairytale perfect from the beginning but because it WASN’T. and even though it wasn’t perfect, because life isn’t perfect, they kept running into each other. their lives kept meeting and intertwining for better or for worse. and ultimately what came of that was them both gaining an understanding of each other that blossomed into friendship that then slowly turned into being in love with each other. because they’d seen of the worst of each other right from the start and still ultimately said “you’re the one that i want”. for ghoul it means that the witch set their feet on a path towards each other, for poison, who doesn’t believe in the witch and barely believes in the idea of a higher power at all, it feels like maybe they could believe in destiny if nothing else.
oooohhh my god. i do not use tiktok so forgive me if i’m getting the source wrong but the one adventure time clip that’s like “you were a wonderful experience”/“you were everything”. in terms of personal flaws, poison is not necessarily always 100% healthily attached to their loved ones and i honestly think that ghoul’s death ends up being a kind of world-shattering life-altering event for them because he WAS everything. it’s like sometimes they don’t even know how to breathe without him. between the two, ghoul would have been better equipped to deal with poison’s death than poison was for ghoul’s not because he didn’t love them completely or because it wouldn’t have meant as much to him but because ghoul has been dealing with death of his loved ones from a very young age. it’s part of why he became so spiritual, because he let that belief that he would see his loved ones again, that they were safe and protected in their afterlife, be a comfort. poison doesn’t have that, and has never dealt with the death of someone so close to them before in a meaningful way. so it kind of breaks something in them. they don’t handle it very well in any sense.
on a less serious note i think ghoul loves to take poison dancing because it’s one of the only times that they’ll let their mask come off in public. they love to dance, they’re not fantastic at it, and unlike other times where they’ll feign disinterest in a skill if they know they aren’t good at it to save face publicly, if ghoul asks them to dance they’ll do it and they will honestly not focus on anyone else except for him. ghoul likes seeing them when they’re sweaty and breathless and happy and not caring if their makeup is running or if they look silly or how their clothes cling to their body. so a lot of date nights end up being “hey, there’s a band performing at this bar tonight” or “want to go to this party in zone two?” or “the roller rink is having a disco night on friday, want to go?” in fact, i’ve mentioned it before but their first official date is a couples’ night at the zones’ premier roller rink, Mega Moon’s, which used to be a lesbian bar before the wars and now is a locale for all sorts of folks but mostly LGBTQ-oriented :]
another thing i’ve mentioned before but ghoul loves to cook and party is not so great at it. HOWEVER, party DOES like to bake, though that’s not as feasible always in the zones. on the rare chance they get the opportunity though, they’ll get ghoul to help them — their excuse always being that they could use the extra hands but the real reason being so they can hang out together (and steal sugary kisses). i think their favorite thing to make is cookies but brownies are a close favorite just because those are GHOUL’S favorite & he’s written down his grandmother’s brownie recipe which is a hot commodity in the diner.
OH AND I HAVE TOUCHED ON THIS BEFORE but i don’t think i ever properly mentioned that they’re sun and moon coded. TO ME. more specifically day and night coded. i try to push that personal agenda with my writing when i can. when the day met the night……….
i think that’s all i have for you tonight. feel free to put a quarter in another time and see what i have to say then 👍
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Forgiveness
A Chapter 47 Analysis
I feel like I’m long overdue for a proper chapter 47 analysis, which is v shameful, considering how very important this chapter was. I can’t even overstate its significance tbh. I think some pretty rapid character development took place between chapter 46 and 47, much of it owing to Yashiro’s prior self-reflection, being around Inami, and having Doumeki back in his life.
In the first few chapters of volume 7, Yashiro was looking pretty tired around the eyes. He looked aged. He seemed listless and defeated, and we know that around that time he was having dreams/nightmares about Doumeki, which startled him awake. And I know I’ve talked about this dream many times before, but in light of chapter 47, its meaning has shifted somewhat. I think what is so nightmarish about the dream isn’t just that Doumeki was gone when Y turned around, but rather, the reason Doumeki was gone— and not for his lack of trying to hold on. The dream was largely focused on Yashiro himself, who broke away and ran from Doumeki, only to feel devastated when D disappeared and Y was left alone. Yashiro’s subconscious is clearly telling him something. “If you don’t want to feel this way (i.e., alone), then you need to change your actions.” We’ll come back to this later.
Alright, let’s actually talk about chapter 47 now.
Well, first off, Inami feels pretty great about himself because Yashiro came to his place after being with Doumeki. Inami assumes that Y and D had sex, so he also thinks that Yashiro came skipping over because Doumeki was unable to satisfy him. Then Inami starts to insult Yashiro, calling him “slutty” for wanting sex even though he’s impotent. Yashiro responds by subtly reminding Inami that he should be happy Yashiro is that way, since it turns Inami on when his partners don’t appear to consent (i.e., can’t get aroused). In other words, Inami gets sexual pleasure from violence and domination. He’s a sexual sadist. With Yashiro not being able to get hard, he’s like an unwilling participant—and rape is the ultimate fantasy for a sexual sadist like Inami. Recall the first time they did it in the hotel room 4 years ago, when Inami tied Yashiro’s dick with a shoelace to prevent him from getting hard and “enjoying” the experience.
Then we get the flashback scene. I’m not too sure, but but I think the internal monologue in this chapter is a flashback rather than a stream of consciousness. We see Yashiro in different clothes, unbound, and with a beat up face, not to mention the monologue is positioned in the middle of an event and surrounded by a black border— this suggests that the changes in Yashiro’s perceptions came before the timeline of chapter 47.
In the flashback, Yashiro admits to feeling apathetic while having sex. He can no longer enjoy sex the way he used to, which clearly affects him a great deal. He thinks his lack of arousal is “poetic justice” for initially developing a body that “couldn’t live without sex.” In his mind, his impotence is his punishment.
Looking at the line, “I really, really didn’t care anymore. And I was so beyond redemption that I thought I was only fine when I felt pain.” Here, Yashiro explains why he continued to have violent sex after becoming impotent: 1) “I didn’t care anymore,” contrasted with an image of him on his bed in the daylight, which could refer to being awoken by his recurring nightmare and the accompanying loneliness and guilt (all related to Doumeki), and 2) “I was beyond redemption,” which just means that he doesn’t think that changing his habits at this stage in his life would make a difference. So, Yashiro continued to chase the pain of violent sex. I also think it was also a form of self-punishment.
Then the flashback ends and we come back to present tense. Yashiro is enduring the sex with Inami, when sudden images of Doumeki invade his mind. This isn’t really anything new— Yashiro always thinks of someone else, someone kind and gentle, when he’s having painful sex. But this time there’s a big difference from before:
But now in 47, Yashiro has a different thought process: “Suddenly I realized, there’s no need to get rid of anything if I didn’t know it in the first place.” I think this has two meanings.
First, if we go back a bit in chapter 47, we see Yashiro refer to Inami and other men as rapists. Terminology is important, because it determines how we interpret meaning and events. If Yashiro understands that he was raped, then he also understands that he didn’t “want it.” He didn’t invite it, he didn’t enjoy it, and it’s also not his fault it happened. This changes his whole self-perception as well. Before, Yashiro believed he was perverted and twisted because he was addicted to violent sex, well into his adulthood. But once he realized that the act of rape impacted his life in ways he didn’t wish for, he was able to connect the dots and see himself as a victim/survivor, rather than a pervert. This realization also means that Yashiro is looking back on his life with with a deep sense of sadness, for knowing that he never knew love and respect before Doumeki. One of the reasons Yashiro abandoned Doumeki 4 years ago is because he didn’t want to “corrupt and sully” his beauty and purity with his own twistedness. So, if we put this information together, Yashiro has concluded that there is no reason to get rid of Doumeki because he himself is not a twisted person, and he ought to experience beauty at least once in his life… I’ll talk more about this further down, but I think this is the overarching theme of this chapter.
And the second meaning is more straightforward. Chapter 46 opens with Yashiro thinking: “I thought I knew him” (or something to that effect). Yashiro thought he knew all of Doumeki, yet as he’s come to realize over the last few days, he doesn’t quite know him as well as he thought. I don’t think I have to give any examples of Doumeki’s changes because we are all aware that he is different, but if I had to give one example, I would say:
I think this has said this before, but it’s is a stark contrast from 4 years ago:
I don’t think I have to explain the importance of autonomy and living for yourself first. I think the previous panel perfectly summarizes Doumeki’s maturity and growth. Doumeki has truly outgrown his boyish fascination with Yashiro that bordered on self-destruction and delusion, and has become a man with goals and principles that will outlive whatever circumstance he is currently in. This is not to say that he is incapable of loving Yashiro, but rather, this simply means that there is a place and time for all of life’s pleasures— love is one of them, but so is autonomy.
Yashiro is more than aware of this. In fact, the absence of autonomy was one of the reasons he let Doumeki go:
Back to this quote: “Suddenly I realized, there’s no need to get rid of anything if I didn’t know it in the first place,” accompanied by this image:
The Doumeki in Yashiro’s imagination is the one that looks him in the eyes and says what he thinks. It’s not the Doumeki following him around blindly:
The person Yashiro thought he knew turned out to be a lot more self-assured, independent, and wise, unlike the little bird who would fall to his death to follow Yashiro without thought. This is not someone Yashiro has to worry over either corrupting or endangering, because he is already a fully-formed individual with his own values, beliefs, and agency.
Back to Inami’s bedroom. After the sex, Yashiro asks for information about the Okuyama Group, which Inami offers up. Then Inami asks Yashiro to share his info. Yashiro refuses, saying his body should suffice as payment. Inami turns to him, and asks whether Yashiro is placing too much value on “being a tranny.” Yashiro smiles and tells him “no, try to understand the premise,” which basically just means that their deal is: sex for info. Inami gets sex, Yashiro gets info. The deal is not: we both get sex and then we share info. Inami, however, doesn’t seem to understand the premise— he thinks Yashiro wants sex from him.
When Inami drops Yashiro off, a similar sort of exchange happens, with Inami falsely believing that Yashiro wants to have sex with him. In this conversation by the car, Inami begins to insult Yashiro again. He tells Yashiro that he must be happy that another “decent” guy like Doumeki has fallen from grace. Inami is suggesting that Doumeki is decent, while Yashiro is not. Of course, this is referring to the fact that Yashiro lets men have hardcore sex with him.
Yashiro turns around and says, “decent, huh.” He was going to walk away, but he decides to lay it out again for Inami, so he understands the premise. Yashiro looks him in the face with a grin and says, “[Doumeki] thinks I’m the one wanting to have sex with you.” Surely this would ring some bells, but it doesn’t. Inami says, “but you do want to, don’t you? … you’re the one who wants to be treated violently.” Not only does Inami not understand Yashiro, but he also doesn’t understand himself. In his mind, Yashiro is the pervert in their relationship; Yashiro is the one that gets off on violence, not Inami. Inami thinks he is merely giving Yashiro what he wants. He’s deluded himself into believing that he’s a decent guy and Yashiro the sinner.
The Yashiro from 4 years ago believed this too. Yashiro always thought of himself as the masochist and pervert in all of his sexual relationships. Yet, what the relationship with Inami has shown us is that Yashiro is just a passive participant, often at the mercy of violent partners. Most of his sex partners have been yakuza that look down on gay men and treat them violently in bed. The same people then turn around and insult Yashiro, instead of acknowledging their own immoral behaviour. Yashiro had internalized the insults and beatings up until now.
In chapter 47, Yashiro calls Inami a rapist (in his mind) and challenges him head-on to acknowledge the true dynamic of their relationship. Again, this changes the onus of responsibility from Yashiro to Inami. This is a huge step for Yashiro. Like, really, really big. The shift in responsibility clears Yashiro of negative labels, including “pervert” and “twisted,” and goes back to my earlier statement about the overarching theme of this chapter. Yashiro has realized that he is not a bad person, and that he can and should be loved. When Doumeki shows up, Yashiro looks at him with a serene expression, and says, “he’s not my guard dog anymore,” meaning that Yashiro no longer fears corrupting an innocent and naive Doumeki, both because Yashiro is NOT a corrupting force and because Doumeki is mature enough to take care of himself.
And since I said I’d come back to the dream that was haunting Yashiro and subconsciously telling him to change: Yashiro has stopped resisting Doumeki’s advancement and is allowing himself more and more closeness. In chapter 48 Yashiro follows Doumeki back to Tsunakawa’s place, and of course, chooses Doumeki as his guard. None of this development would have been possible without the long-awaited recognition in chapter 47. Although it’s a long and slow process, Yashiro has started the hard job of forgiving himself.
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REKI RAP // "Over It" (SK8 the Infinity)
How can I make it? I'm able to skate
But if skating means just getting by then I hate it . . .
Okay, it's the Reki post!! Stream of consciousness here because I'm too busy to overthink things as much as I normally do. It's a Sunday. Sundays are for tuning vocals lifted off a fresh bowl. Sundays are for the gays. Sundays are for flying kites in the park with your best pal. Note: see if Caro wants to go fly a kite in the park later. So, you know, no time to be writing longwinded essays in the face of preserving whatever whimsy is left to be grasped in the wild. But here's what I got!
For as long as I can remember, I've been keenly aware of what it feels like to be second best, late to the party, falling behind, forever catching up...and Connor Quest wrote a perfect song about that years ago. There's even a remake that I played piano on. So this song isn't that, at least not completely. Actually, as it came together in the in-between-uploads rush it came together in, I noticed it really being about creative burnout as much as anything else. When I watched SK8, I think what stuck with me the most about Reki's rough patch wasn't just his feelings of inadequacy as a skater compared to what Langa and the others were capable of, it was that however much he tried not to care, he ultimately couldn't help it. It's a crush of conflicting emotions when you think you no longer care about your passions, yet being away from them hurts just as much.
Musically: I've been working on an album for way too long now, and most of the tracks on it are some kind of boombap song or have a similar feel. It's the style of rap I'm most comfortable with, the style I usually enjoy performing the most, and the kind of beat that tends to make me feel the most creative. I don't think it's what comes close to performing best on my channel (electroswing has kind of taken that over pretty handily), and that's why I've mostly contained it to the album lately, but I wanted to put out at least one more track like this before letting my channel be what it probably needs to be if it's gonna grow. There are some Freeced listeners who have been around asking for a SK8 track for a LONG time, and while this may not be the only one I ever do, it's nice to get it out there before this turning point. I'm also not sad about narrowing the focus of my channel, because collaborating and being involved in other projects (like Out After Winter) as well as learning new skills and continuing to work on my album is keeping me pretty sharp.
In fact, since releasing this song, I think I've found a little more peace with my relationship to burnout than I had at the time. I think it is something that can come and go, and maybe it's okay to sometimes measure my worth by more than just what I create. I don't need to dread being pulled back to the things I love doing, just as I don't need to dread losing my passion for them at times. Lately I've been focusing on the dynamics of my music as much as the content, and I'm starting to see the highs and lows of my compositions reflecting back the peaks and valleys of living an ordinary life.
Anyway, I never know how to end these, but there are some of my thoughts! I hope you like the song, I know it kinda died on YouTube but I don't really mind, if it's the kind of song that someone will find five years from now and relate to, then it's doing what it's supposed to do! And not to sound like a content creator, but, you know. Big things coming.
Big things coming.
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September 11 - 2023 Monday
11:02 PM
I've forgotten to journal the past few nights. Or more like the night ended so fun and chill that I didn't think about it. The weekend was good, Saturday was a giga party night with Daisy and Egg which was nice of her to show up and hang out with us. Sunday was chill and there was a heavy little chat with Daisy that I'm still thinking about. The past couple days I've kinda zoned out in a way, but nothing out of the ordinary. Just sort of a normal "head empty, no thoughts" kind of cycle.
Today was pretty good for productivity. For breakfast I had my last egg and can of corned beef hash. I was slightly late to stream but it was productive too aside from taking too long on the commission so I couldn't finish it today like would have been optimal. I can afford that right now though. After stream I cleaned my shower with pine sol for the first time which went okay but I'll probably stick to my bleach spray in the future. Also got some on my foot which burned. I used my new treadmill for the first time and I have many complaints with it but it works just enough for me to keep it. My workout went great and I had a second shower afterwards which I consciously know is bad for my hair/skin but didn't actually seem that bad.
Lunch was beef stew with little star pasta I put in it, a hearty meal to have after a workout. I did today's request well and worked this old MLP landscape that's been on my desktop as well as redrawing Daisy's rendition of me as a thirsty little flower.
In the afternoon I played Starfield until I got surprisingly frisky. I didn't plan to do anything about it at first but it got real strong and I knew it was time. It kinda sucked though because 2 minutes after I started, Daisy messaged me for chill time and I didn't see it which sucked because honestly I would have rather hung out with her than jerked off. But I was too deep in and figured I'd finish up which took more time than I intended because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to finish to. Honestly debated asking if she wanted to participate but I'm still feeling wary of that kind of thing. I don't want to give off the wrong impression even though I probably shouldn't be worried about that at this point. I just think we view the topic very differently. I've found that no matter what state things are in in my life, good or bad, being horny is a part of it sometimes. Ideally I'd extend that to my closest friend in the hopes that they understand that too but that might not be the case. And its not a case of needing them to participate, its just needing to let them know whats up in case they wanna help because for some reason it feels important enough for me to get out or I'll bottle it up and let it stress me out a little bit. A bit of a goofy problem.
This evening Daisy and I chilled while playing Zelda and Spyro respectively. I felt bad(?) because my head was empty tonight. I enjoyed the company like always but I didn't have much to say. I just enjoyed being there an listening honestly. I'm still trying to figure out how to make it more clear how much nights together mean to me, or our morning messages, or literally any other interaction. I'm sure it's known but I like making constant fresh reminders about my appreciation. Ever increasingly clear communication is my goal here and while I can acknowledge it is VERY good, it's not perfect and might never be. But I believe the level of communication can steadily edge closer to 100% even if it never reaches that.
In a way right now I'm aware of the massive challenges ahead and my ever changing life, even if the change is slow. It's all too much to comprehend and navigate without a plan, at least for me. I'm still trying to accept that I do work best with a schedule and I should be using that to my advantage in every way I can, even if it's weird to other people how I might control certain things about myself. Ultimately my life is in my own hands and I can choose not to bend to the will or perceptions of others.
I keep talking about change and how I think of a lot of action but don't usually commit a lot of action. At least not as quickly as I'd like. I do make small changes to my schedules and rules over time and I am seeing progress. I just don't know if I could be evolving things faster or not. Maybe if I want to get out of my comfort zone.
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The Discord I'm most active in decided to add a poetry channel. So that got me looking back through some old posts on my main. Poems and stream of consciousness and things tagged "love" that are old and even from before I married my ex.
In response to the last reblog: I probably reblogged it in anger. Because how dare he not choose me. And I guess I kind of touched on this recently, that I was most mad that I lost him as a friend. That "husband" was kind of label that I felt "might as well" about. "This might as well happen. It's expected."
And yeah the wedding was exciting, but to me, it almost felt more like a celebration of the time we had spent as friends. Like that slideshow I made. It had so many photos involving (our) (old) group of friends, (our) families. Because I had appreciation for all of them, and the memories we had made as a group.
But weddings are supposed to be ultimately about the couple, right? We had photos and cute stuff, but I barely remember anything we said in the vows. They felt almost like an afterthought. And that's what I'd do with cards, right? I'd say what I thought I was supposed to, and I thought I believed it enough. I cared, but I had to make it more "romantic" or it wouldn't be enough.
And getting back to the reblog. I thought I was choosing him. He was a good friend who I ended up in a relationship with, and I made all these other friendships through. I was content enough until he'd bring up what he needed more of. More talking, more effort, more care. And I didn't get it because I didn't care enough about what he wanted because my needs were mostly met. That sucks. I sucked. He wanted me to choose him as my most important person, but I never understood how I could ever do that. Because I cared about loads of people a lot and he had the shiny special label. Didn't that count?
It doesn't. It didn't. Because we didn't match like puzzle pieces from the clay. Because it was fun being friends and experimenting and hanging out, but I couldn't love him how he needed. I was choosing him as a friend, but I still wasn't even that great of a friend for him. (And I guess to her, too.)
You can have good intentions, but if you still hurt the other person, you still messed up. And I didn't always have good intentions. Sometimes I played around with him because it was interesting to see what would happen. I would do something I knew he didn't like. I'd say something I knew would hurt. See how much you can fuck around until they break, then cry because oops I didn't mean to go that far.
I know sometimes I intentionally did that shit. And sometimes it just happened. Like looking back, I really was manipulative at times without even realizing it. (This is what I wonder about, with possible diagnoses.) I would push enough almost as a test to see if that would be the thing to make him leave. Because I was always thinking I wasn't good enough, and "You deserve better than me," and "I'm so fucked up. How do you even like me?" But be terrified of losing everything. Losing him as a friend I thought meant losing everyone else, too.
I guess that's sort of happening? And I'm processing, but relieved since overall, it's a learning experience.
I'm realizing and accepting that I'm not a perfect friend. There's that weird back and forth between "depression me" that would think I'm completely horrible and "semi-arrogant me" that goes "You're fine. It's everyone else that's the problem." And then there's the me that's trying to be realistic. People are flawed and that includes me, and it isn't world ending. I can't bounce completely to the "You're shit and don't deserve anyone" side when I get criticism because that just puts the focus back on me. Oh hey, narcissism.
I don't keep in touch as much as I should, but I get mad at others for doing the same thing. I'm not always great at focusing on what others are saying. Whether it's because of external distractions (sounds, movement) or internal (what do I say next?, I'm hungry, this is boring but I should be polite, is that person over there thinking badly of us?, do I smell?, I'm so tired, oh wait that's interesting, ooo I want to hold onto this info, hey I have something to add, is it relevant still?, look for a pause in the conversation and check.) I'm forgetful. I get overly self-conscious, or just stop caring. (Is that what masking is? Worrying so much about if I'm doing the right thing?)
(Is that why it feels so comfortable with you? Because I really don't feel like I have to overthink when we're together, and when I do, you help ground me. It's like that YOI line: You meet me where I am. To me, it feels like the kind of love we each have is enough both ways. I think you agree? But if I'm wrong, tell me.)
Folks in my old group who still want to interact, cool. I'm fine with surface level fun, but I kind of have a guard up. Because at the end of the day, I am The Bad Guy to some of them now, and that's something I've gotta just accept and stop trying to make myself the victim, now that I'm more aware of that tendency. I wasn't great to him or her at times, and neither were they to me. He isn't the AH, she isn't the AH, and I'm not the AH. ESH in the grand scheme of things. But if she's got to make me the AH in her story, so be it, I guess. I don't know where I am with him. I'm hoping it's accepting we both were kind of shitty together.
Going through all this, I guess I worry about making the same mistakes again. I know I'm selfish. ...and my brain started spiraling for sec. Stop that. Trying to be a flawed but "good" leaning person is hard.
Okay done dwelling on this. I've been rambling for a while.
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Jess Talks FE3H
I had a Thought the other day that I shared on my Twitter, and @goldstarzzz asked for some elaboration on it. Since Twitter sucks for nuanced, long-form discussion, I decided to type it up on my blog instead (though the draft I was working on during my trip home on the train has been lost twice because of annoying reasons I don’t want to get into now).
Be forewarned that I’m gonna be verbose here, so this shit will be long.
Obviously, we’re going to touch on some FE3H spoilers, so be aware of that.
I haven’t finished any of the routes yet, but there’s something that I want to discuss about the game--namely Edelgard and how if you aren’t on her route you get very little in the way of context for why she does the things she does.
While on one hand, I like how realistic that restricted perspective is, since in real life you don’t know the motivations and past experiences that have shaped a person unless you actually do make an attempt to engage with them and get to know them, and it fits in nicely with the themes in Three Houses of how history is written by the winners, everyone is the Hero of their own story, and conflicts are not Good vs. Evil so much as clashes of worldview/agenda between groups of fallible individuals.
However, the fact that you don’t get any context at all from the other routes does Edelgard dirty as a character, and is where we get these tiresome, dumbass takes like “Edelgard is literally Hitler” and “Edelgard just does things for no reason” from fandom members who are only engaging the narrative on a superficial level.
(As an aside, there’s nothing wrong with just taking a narrative at face value, but you do have to give up any claim to commenting on its non-subjective quality if you do that.)
And I mean yeah, if you’re on one of the other routes then it does kind of seem like Edelgard’s heel turn comes out of nowhere, rather than a steady, uneasy build to an eventuality. In a game where you couldn’t get close to her beforehand and see the dominoes lined up along the fault line, as it were, this would be Bad Writing (e.g., Monica/Chronia), but you can take the time to hear Edelgard out and listen to her justification before that happens. She’s a playable character with an actual route, which is a big departure from the usual villain.
The things Edelgard is fighting for are objectively good: eliminating the aristocracy; disrupting the Church’s unquestioned authority; dismantling obsession with crests and fate and birthrights. She’s a trauma survivor who wants to help people who have been hurt and destroyed by the machinations of the Rich and Powerful.
Her methods may not be ideal, but honestly, is she doing anything any different from anyone else in the game? It’s possible she does and I haven’t seen that yet, but so far the things you do on her route aren’t much different than the things you’ve been doing all game already, just under the banner of Seiros. Sure, you have no emotional connection to the NPCs from the East or West Churches, but that doesn’t change the base fact that you’re still going out to exterminate them at the behest of someone who outranks you.
Edelgard and her route’s existence is a challenge to the status quo of Fire Emblem--it makes the player question the usual set up of Good Guys vs. Bad Guys, makes you stop and wonder if hey, maybe all these brigands you’ve been hacking through have the same level of interiority and charm as the characters you’ve been playing as.
The problem with this is that Three Houses is still a Fire Emblem game. Yes, what you’re fighting for is ostensibly different, but the way you get there is identical: kill off the Enemy until they run out of guys on the map. So even if the point is that Edelgard’s goals are lofty but her methods are unacceptable, the entire theme goes belly up since Claude and Dimitri are basically using the same methods. Unless they have some mechanic I haven’t heard about where you can diplomatically resolve conflicts, they are functionally identical to Edelgard with regards to what they actually do.
This dissonance between the themes and the mechanics reminds me a lot of Pokemon BW, with N and Team Plasma. They’re positioned to address the elephant in the room re: Pokemon’s base premise, but then because they’re restricted by the mechanics, every dispute is resolved with a battle, which kind of undermines the whole thing. Even N, who is depicted as the one who most sincerely believes in pokemon autonomy and rights, still battles you to prove that battles are unethical.
Is this realistic in that many real people will use noble goals as a smokescreen for their actual, more selfish agenda? Sure! But while that applies nicely to Ghetsis and his little cult, N feels more like he’s intended to be an anti-villain, someone who Has a Point Actually, and you should critically examine your actions in-game. It’s far more powerful when the antagonist isn’t actually wrong, just different from you, and it’s a shame that N had to sacrifice some of his integrity as a character to fit into the format of a Pokemon Game.
Going back to Edelgard, while I’d 1000% percent be down to be able to play from the perspective of someone who’s manipulating people under the guise of social reform, that a) doesn’t seem to be the intention, and b) doesn’t really fit with the other themes of moral relativity. If you make Edelgard a Bad Guy but Claude and Dimitri Good Guys (or Neutral Guys, even), that doesn’t really say much about the nature of conflict.
So it seems like Edelgard should be just as sympathetic as the other two leads, yet there’s some really troubling things in the way.
For one, the fact that she’s a noble herself and the heir (later Empress) to vast resources, including a military that unquestionably heeds her, makes her crusade feel more like condescending Noblesse Oblige rather than a revolutionary uprising. There’s a kind of scummy appropriative element to it that is difficult to ignore, especially since you have Dorothea right there, who’d make a much better figurehead for this movement than the heir apparent to a goddamn Empire.
(Side note but Edelgard also has the misfortune of being a literal Imperial, which in today’s society is not a connotation neutral thing. Being from a “kingdom” or an “alliance” is quaint, but “empire” has become such a staple trope for villains that it’s not even surprising that she’s the one who heel-turns. Add in the fact that Hubert is presented the way he is, and it becomes really obvious which of the Three Houses is going to be the Problematic One. Fire Emblem just can’t help being itself, even when it’s toying with more mature themes.)
But on an even more general level than that, Edelgard’s convictions get a bit undermined when her goal is “stop the powerful from using the less fortunate as pawns” but all of her victories happen thanks to...putting her social inferiors in mortal peril.
Like yeah, right after you choose to side with her (and she manages to get over the vapors that induces), she has that moment where she appears to be cognizant of the paradox, but I somehow feel like her route isn’t going to end with her dissolving the Empire and handing off all the power to the populace.
She can’t, because this is a Fire Emblem game, and in Fire Emblem games, you win the war at the end. There’s a heavy cost, of course, and we’re all going to have a moment of silence about it, but there’s still a victory and a happy ending when it’s all said and done.
Obviously, if this doesn’t happen at the end, and all four routes (including the Church one) close on a Pyrrhic victory or something, then I will stand corrected and be very pleased. However, my money is on the standard happy ending that conveniently ignores that the common folk are going to be feeling the effects of the war long past any of the privileged, powerful people in your game.
So yeah, that’s my thoughts on how I think Three Houses took some really interesting steps toward being more nuanced, but still gets tripped up on its identity in some ways. Given the way the narrative is set up, this ends up affecting Edelgard way more than the other characters.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
#FE3H#FE3H spoilers#long post#meta#having to write and then re-write this three times really messed with my structuring#so sorry if this is hard to follow#it ultimately ended up just kind of being stream of consciousness
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How did you feel about Queen Banana? (If I’m being honest Chloe made me angry in that episode)
I'll kind of go in a Stream-of-Consciousness style: The episode by itself I really liked so I'll start with what I liked. Chloe was hella annoying but it's not anything new - if anything it was like being Season 1 again, which is the version of Chloe I've always liked (in that like to hate way). Particularly in the akuma fight, I think the VAs went really hard and the animation on Queen Banana was funny and over the top, I loved it.
Adrien coming to tell Chloe she should be the one to apologize was *chef's kiss*. Glad to see that some of that "she'll never change" nonsense from the end of Despair Bear is wearing off and he's standing up for his friends. It's an important lesson for him to learn that yeah, sometimes standing up for what's right might cost you but it shouldn't stop you from doing the right thing. This is a good step forward. Additionally I love seeing a bit of Andre's spine too. Now just extend that to how Chloe treats people who aren't in your family...
The banana thing was shoehorned in the beginning, but honestly, I was here for the banana ride all the way to the banana end once it was there.
They really put all the effort into Zoé and Mylene's makeup, but still put them in painter smocks and called them "capes", huh? lol, but that make up was F I R E 🔥
It's nice to have actual proof that the Magic Charms are working against reakumatizations instead of them just saying it does. Lol, even Marinette seemed surprised.
Vesperia kicked ass. That is all.
Now what I'm concerned about/didn't like:
I don't like Chloe's hair down. It looks like Laurie from That 70's Show.
I'm seeing a concerning amount of parallels between Zoé and old Marinette (Marinette before she got the earrings). My feelings about it really depend on what they do with this: are they going to have Marinette see Zoé have the same self-destructive behaviors that she does and realize that actually she doesn't deserve to have the bad end of the stick and needs to treat herself nicer? Or is Marinette going to give Zoé confidence and "heal" her trauma with absolutely zero self awareness?
Also with Zoé, I see a strange amount of parallels with Lila. This also goes with Sole Crusher, but she did come in lying about who she is, but because she does it with self-defensive intentions it's okay? It's to the point where I can't tell if her ending speech in Queen Banana where she mirrors her movie lines about "loving you even if the world hates you" was genuine or just part of her manipulation to trick Chloe into taking the Magic Charm. If it's genuine, then this is going to be Zoé "redeeming" Chloe (which is it's own can of worms) and if it was part of her trick, that means she's lying. I would assume this is nuance, but in this series, I can't be sure if this intentional or an accidental mixed message.
And about that little speech at the end...I probably would be less up in the air about it if they didn't have Tikki come in to convieniently say "maybe now Chloe'll learn to be better". Um, haven't we done this song and dance before? Am I supposed to take this seriously now?! Is this another tease or are they actually going to pull through with it this time? I have nO IDEA!
Ultimately, I take Tikki's quip more as "if Chloe doesn't change after this she has no one to blame but herself."
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Can you rec buddie fics? Pretty please?
OMG it's my time to shine, bitches!!!
Sorry if I went a little nuts, but this fandom has some of the best writers I've ever seen. I have 186 Buddie fics bookmarked in my AO3,
I'll link here if you are interested in taking a look cause if I put them all here it would be too long. Also, I tried to show here some fics I very rarely see recced, and a little bit o the classics. This fandom has some very underrated authors, everyone in my bookmarks is worth taking a look really.
Please take a look at the warnings before reading, enjoy!!!
I Hate Accidents (Except When We Went From Friends to This) by morganofthefairies (Rated E )
Buck and Eddie had always been unconventional. Neither of them gave it much thought – they were just them. Buck and Eddie - partners, best friends, co-parents – just as entangled in each other’s lives as any actual couple in the 118.
Or, the story of how Buck and Eddie went about their relationship in entirely the wrong order.
My Heart's Been Borrowed by ElvenSorceress (Rated E)
aka the one where Taylor gives Buck his ultimate fantasy and uncovers far more than either of them expected, forcing him to confront his long held feelings for Eddie
Half Awake in Our Fake Empire by HMSLusitania (Rated E)
Buck 1.0 fathered a child and Buck 4.0 comes into custody.
Love and Bullets Both Shatter Hearts (But Only One Can Put You Back Together) (Rated E)
Agent [Redacted] Diaz is the best at what he does. Usually. But lately there's this real pain in the ass* who's been ruining his missions: Code Name "Buck."
Keep It On by R_E_R6 (Rated E)
When Eddie walks in on Buck, bent over in nothing but a hoodie, their plans for the night immediately change. Buck's outfit though? Well, Eddie requests that it stays the same...for reasons.
Heart of Flowers / Heart of Gold by ElvenSorceress (Rated T)
Buck nearly loses everything and Eddie has to follow his heart
hungry for your love by evcndiaz (Rated G)
prompt: "who’s gonna write a fanfic where chris is not cooperating with buck and eddie accidentally says “listen to your dad”?"
or; breadsticks are a metaphor for love and boning
keep your eyes on the road by iriswests (Rated M)
A glimpse into buck and eddie’s developing relationship, told through ten moments stopped at a traffic light
when things fall into place by woodchoc_magnum (Rated M)
In which Eddie asks Buck to move in with them during lockdown to help look after Christopher, which leads to certain unresolved feelings being resolved.
Carbon Date Me, Excavate Me by extasiswings, letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Rated E)
Evan "Buck" Buckley has made a name for himself as the independent bad boy of archaeology. At least, until Professor Eddie Diaz shows up with his fedora and good looks and starts beating Buck to the punch more often than not.
Buck hates his stupid six-pack covered guts.
Except for how... he might not.
Objects in the Mirror by SevenSoulmates (Rated E)
The voice had always been around, Eddie remembers it, like a stream of consciousness that babbled incoherently to the point where Eddie just tuned it out.
But then the voice started speaking directly to him. Conversing like he was a whole person standing right in front of him. Like he could see what was happening around Eddie.
Eddie shook his head. No one was talking to him, and Eddie most certainly was not talking back.
He wouldn’t talk to the boy in his head ever again. There was no boy in his head.
ripples all the way down by iriswests (Rated M)
christopher partakes in some parent trapping
dream of some epiphany by extasiswings (Rated M)
Evan Buckley is lost.
It’s happenstance that he wanders into the navy recruiting center—he’s been in San Diego for a few weeks, bartending late nights and weekends, living in a house with three other guys not because he needs the roommates but because he doesn’t want to be alone, and the military is…respectable. Stable. So Buck thinks maybe and opens the door.
Buck leaves ten minutes later with a set of printed instructions for sending his first letter, assured that he can drop it off whenever he’s ready, and a name.
Staff Sergeant Edmundo “Eddie” Diaz.
Relationship Advice from Complete Strangers Online by HMSLusitania (Rated T)
Hi, I’ve never made a Reddit post before and I’m not 100% sure what I’m doing but I need advice and can’t ask anyone in my real life. So, I [30M] have this best friend [34M]…
Leading with the Left by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Rated E)
When Buck said he was a "bartender" in "South America" what he actually meant was "stripper" in "Mexico."
And when Eddie said, "What's your problem?" what he actually meant was, "Is this about the time you gave me a lap dance?"
In other words, there's a few things the 118 doesn't know about Buck. Or Eddie. Or Buck and Eddie's relationship.
fireflies where my caution should be by littlesnowpea (Rated M)
“You never talk about your parents,” Eddie says, which is not even remotely what Buck expects Eddie to say. He frowns, tilts his head, but it isn’t a question, as evidenced by Eddie charging on. “I never asked because I figured it was your business, but the look on your face any time they’re brought up tells me you don’t get along.”
Buck swallows hard, against a lump in his throat. His parents? Eddie’s right, he never talks about them, for good reason. He opens his mouth, then closes it again, not sure what he’s even going to say.
Eddie takes it as the answer Buck is trying to make it out to be. He squeezes Buck’s wrist again, takes a deep breath, like he’s on a call with someone who’s panicking. Buck finds his breathing slowing to match Eddie’s, and Eddie nods as Buck gets it under control.
“There are people on the porch,” Eddie says, voice even. “Saying they want to meet their grandchild.”
Asked, Offered, Given, (He's) Taken by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Rated E)
People like to flirt with Buck on calls. It kind of makes Buck uncomfortable.
And that makes Eddie frustrated.
I Hit the Accelerator (But the Car was in Reverse) by extasiswings, letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Rated E)
When Buck is forced to confront the truth about his breakup with Abby, having casual sex with his hot new coworker seems like the best rebound idea.
Unfortunately, that hot new coworker turns into his best friend. But best friends can keep having sex with each other, right?
There's no way this could possibly go wrong.
Memorable by JessicaMDawn (Rated T)
Six times Buck got recognized by people he saved during the tsunami, and how his team realized he was a hero.
All Bets are Off by NobodyKnows_U (Not Rated)
Or, the five times the firefam realized Buck and Eddie were in love, and the one-time Eddie finally did something about it.
fire on fire by extasiswings (Rated T)
Or: Buck and Eddie get in the habit of sharing a bed while living together during quarantine. It's platonic until it isn't.
Better Together by Randomfandombloggs09 (Not Rated)
5 times Eddie sees Buck wearing his last name and 1 time its not just his
Daddy and Pops by EdithBlake (Rated M)
When Christopher calls Buck 'Pops' things get a bit confusing. Buck and Eddie have a talk with Christopher that ends up with both of them being even more confused by how right it sounds.
the meaning of the words you see by florenceandthemachine (Rated E)
unknown sender: Hi!
unknown sender: Just wanted to say thanks for letting me buy you a drink, and for your number. Sorry I had to run.
unknown sender: I’m Eddie by the way.
sent: hey um
sent: i don’t want 2 be this guy but
sent: i think u mayb put the wrong # in ur phone
the dream you wish will come true by woodchoc_magnum (Rated M)
In which Christopher Diaz cannot understand why his father would want to date his former teacher when Evan Buckley is right there.
vienna waits for you by mottainai (Not Rated)
Eddie doesn't deserve a soulmate.
Work Husband by hideeho (Rated T)
“What...what have you done with Buck?” Eddie is going to kill him for messing with his phone. No, that’s too extreme. He’s going to maim him. Just a little.
“Check under H,” Chim offers helpfully, shooting a look over to Hen with a smirk.
Why the hell would he be under—
Then he sees it.
Husband.
Bad Neighbors by firstdegreefangirl (Rated E)
Eddie's new neighbors are keeping him up all night. He calls on his best friend for a little taste of their own medicine.
Cross the Line by Sirencalls (Rated E)
Eddie laughs, short and quiet and almost to himself. “No. If you want to learn, then I’m gonna be the one to teach you.”
Buck is pretty sure his brain stops working. “What? Why?”
Eddie turns to look at him and steps closer, their chests only a few inches apart. “Because there are people out there who will take advantage of how naïve you are. They’ll hurt you, and I won’t.” Eddie’s eyes are so intense that Buck doesn’t have any choice but to believe him. “If you want someone to do this for you, to—to dominate you, it has to be me. I don’t trust anyone else to do it right.”
pretty in pink by dykeevans (Rated E)
Buck forgets that he and Eddie made plans to hang out until Eddie shows up and Buck's in the middle of laundry day.
His laundry day outfit consists of a small pink crop top and grey sweatpants.
Eddie loses his damn mind. Me too, though, me too.
the distance to the stars by cloudydaisies (Rated G)
“Didn’t know you were seeing someone.”
Buck just laughs. Like, honest to god giggles. Eddie is stuck fighting off doubly massive waves of butterflies and confusion, all while Buck just gazes down at him.
“That’s cute,” he hears Buck mumble, just before climbing into the truck, calling Eddie after him.
-or, everyone knows eddie is dating buck except for eddie, literally.
Something Old, Something New by dumbhuman (Rated E)
“Damn, I love weddings!” Buck’s face lit up as he closed the door.
If asked later, Eddie wouldn’t have been able to explain what came over him in that moment to make him ask the question. Or, at least, he wouldn’t have wanted to explain. The exhaustion was an easy excuse, but he knew deep down that it wasn’t a real one.
“Why don’t you come with me?”
one of the few things by thatnerdemryn (Rated G)
five times that Eddie tells someone else that Buck is Christopher's legal guardian plus one time he finally tells Buck.
I Didn't Know I Was Lonely 'Til I Saw Your Face by HMSLusitania (Rated T)
Total strangers Buck and Eddie go to couple's therapy together to get out of the therapy requirements their captains have placed on them.
things we shouldn't do by Ingu (Rated T)
“Why is everybody taking my relationship status so personally? Can’t I be fine with being single?” Buck said.
“Hey, you don’t have to say yes, be sad and alone if that’s what you want,” Josh replied. “But, I’m just saying. I’ve seen photos and this guy is volcanic levels of hot. Also, single dad, super cute kid. Saves lives for a living like you. I think you should give it a go.”
(the one where Buck and Eddie accidentally get set up on a blind date with each other, and everything snowballs from there)
Keeping It In The Family by Wolves_of_Innistrad (Rated T)
A young man shows up at the firehouse looking for Buck. Turns out Javier was a Bartender with Buck in Mexico. He’s back in LA, looking to reconnect and very flirty. Cue Eddie realizing Buck is not as straight as he thought.
kiss me (like your ex is in the room) by rebeccaofsbfarm (Rated E)
Eddie Diaz gets drunk and protective and signs up for a fake double date to get back at his friend's ex.
Leave the Light On (I'll Be Coming Home) by HMSLusitania (Rated M)
An accident on a call leaves Buck with custody of Chris after Eddie is… missing presumed.
While they navigate their new family circumstances -- and fight to stay together, despite Eddie's parents' best efforts -- a John Doe wakes up in a coma ward with no memory of his own life beyond the knowledge he has a son named Christopher and, somehow, he needs to get home
All my Buddie AO3 bookmarks
As I said this fandom has some very talented people, some of my favorite Authors's Tumblrs below, I recommend all the things they wrote and their blogs are very good.
@elvensorceress, @hmslusitania, @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels, @extasiswings
For gifs:
@arrenemris, @skylessnights (very lovely AU gifsets)
@from-nova(good gifs & content)
For Podfics: @mistmarauder everything she ever read is amazing, her podfics are high quality and she has a very lovely voice and her presence calms me down lol I recommend it
I'm sorry there are a lot more people but I'm kinda in a rush haha most of the people I follow are amazing, but the ones I mentioned here are enough to get you started or entertained for a while.
Buddie fics are amazing, this pairing has spoiled me so much, everyone I met because of it is nice and so active and talented.
Sorry mutuals if I forgot someone!
I hope I helped Anon, have fun!
(Tell me if any link is wrong please, thanks)
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convoluted superheroes but make it disaster lineage au, some thoughts on their origin stories and how they would become a team:
“caroline shouldn’t you be writing or reading for your irish lit class”
“yes but i had a thought”
no, this isn’t necessarily a marvel au because i feel like crossing.......the mcu and star wars, which are already big franchises, just messes with my head? plus,,,,the mcu just has such distinct character archetypes that i can’t really fit neatly with the clone wars, so here’s just a super convoluted au that could honestly just work as an entirely different story on its own and probably only has enough in common with tcw by like,,,,a thread, but ANYWAYS I AM HERE WITH MORE THOUGHTS OF AN AU AND YOU JUST HAVE TO SUFFER WITH ME!
okay, so anakin’s story is kinda bizarre:
i mean, he’s the chosen one in star wars and all that with all these freaky far-reaching abilities with the force so i’m not gonna take that away from him--so idk in this universe i’m just gonna say that he’s gonna be like....a mimic. i feel like he would be the kind of person who just steps into a room and absorbs / can mimic the abilities of any other powered human in the room, only like,,,amplify it. he’s tricky to catch because of that, because no one knows what power he might absorb next.
but i feel like while anakin can certainly show off with this, i think he’ll also at least attempt to be a little private about this? (lmao we know he’s gonna fail though, because ily anakin but you’re the worst at keeping secrets). i feel like he would compensate for all the fancy gadgets + stuff, or sometimes just swing into rooms and be like “anyways guys i came up with a new thing” and everyone always stares at him because for some reason, everyone forgets that anakin skywalker is, in fact, a genius who doesn’t necessarily need his powers to be extraordinarily powerful. there’s more to him than just his weird powers, you guys.
right, so obi-wan:
every superhero team needs the wise intellectual, and i feel like obi-wan will always be that one person. i feel like his powers would have to complement anakin’s rather well though, since they’re,,,y’know. the team. oh wait shit--
okay okay okay (sorry, this is me really just kinda liveblogging my stream of consciousness), but like?? if anakin can amplify powers, i think of obi-wan being the one to muffle them. like, i feel like just touching someone and suddenly boom, no more powers. you’re now forced to fight obi-wan on even ground (lmao). obi-wan doesn’t necessarily absorb the powers like himself, he just...knows how to quiet them enough so that for the next little while, the opponent is absolutely useless.
i feel like a lot of people wind up underestimating obi-wan that way,,,at first. everyone makes that mistake, but then everyone realizes that oh yeah, anakin skywalker? dangerous dude. but obi-wan kenobi? if you don’t catch where you’re looking, you could very well end up dead if he wanted.
our feral gremlin ahsoka:
well, every team needs the youngster who everyone on the team loves, right? idk maybe it’s because of the togruta biology and something about togruta being more balanced than like,,,humans that makes me want ahsoka to be the ultimate stealth person. when i say this, i mean like duh she’s got incredible balance, but i think it would be super cool if she was able to just like.........move through walls. no one ever sees her coming because first of all, she’s kinda small, but second of all,,,,again: you could just be chilling at your computer and suddenly there’s a short girl standing behind you because she just phased through the wall what the--
like most teenage superheroes, ahsoka def. seems kinda excited about being the superhero? also mildly exhausted. idk dude, you try doing calc homework and writing a history paper when you’re also trying to keep the world from being taken over by....robots or zombies or whatever.
some other thoughts that i have but have yet to flesh out because i should probably actually get back to work now:
rex also absolutely has superpowers, but don’t you dare call him a sidekick. idk why, but i kinda want rex to be one of those people who creates literal earthquakes, kind of like quake from agents of shield.
cody’s sole superpower is putting up with all the bullshit the rest of the team has. he doesn’t really care he doesn’t have powers, and tbh, everyone’s mildly terrified of the day cody ever gets hit with a freak accident that might make him have powers.
well, every superhero story needs some reporter of some kind, right? ceo of some big news company padme amidala, who occasionally talks to anakin skywalker and absolutely knows his secret identity within like 2 minutes.
actually, i totally forgot about whether the superheroes in this world would have secret identities.
i’ve decided. they all have secret identities.
anakin’s the disaster engineer research person. no one really takes him seriously at work because he’s so freakishly young, but joke’s on them, because he’s saved everyone from evil robots at least ten times now.
obi-wan by default is always going to be the tired english professor. he knows anakin because anakin’s research facility is literally within the same radius of the university campus.
ahsoka goes to the high school nearby the school. she absolutely did not mean to meet anakin and obi-wan and rex, but okay, she just saw the fire in the school library and someone had to pull the students out, so it had to be her, and she might have tried to pull obi-wan and anakin out before obi-wan accidentally muffled her powers and then anakin got her powers, and then they were all SCREECHING AT EACH OTHER BECAUSE
“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO”
“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING”
“WAIT YOU HAVE POWERS?”
“WAIT DO YOU?”
“CAN WE DO THIS LATER???”
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Excerpt: When Jason turned back, he found two steady streams of tears running down Damian’s face, dripping from his chin. He had never seen the kid cry before.
As Jason slipped in through the window, a shadow moving through the night, a chill swept in behind him, and the form in the bed groaned and shifted in response.
He cringed, closing the window and navigating his way to a chair. And he'd all but sat down when a low voice from just behind him said, “Taken.”
Jason choked back a full-throated scream, wrangling it into a string of curses as he staggered backwards and squinted into the low light.
Bruce leaned forward in the chair so that his face was illuminated beside the window, his eyes as tired as ever, hair mussed and flattened on one side in a way that made Jason suspect he’d been sleeping he might’ve just been sleeping.
“Didn’t know you were here,” the younger man, hating how he felt himself shrinking, making himself smaller in Bruce’s presence. He made a conscious effort to lift his chin, square his shoulders. “I’ll just go.”
“Wait. Don’t.” Bruce rose, so stiff Jason could practically hear his joints creaking. “I’ve been here for”—he checked his watch—“I don’t even know how long.”
“Better things to do?”
Though Bruce’s face was once again in shadow, Jason could still feel his resignation and frustration rippling in the silence and heightened by sheer exhaustion.
“If you can’t or won’t stay,” Bruce said flatly, “it’s fine. I can figure something else out.”
“I’m sure you could. But don’t even worry about it.” Jason marched to the chair, forcing Bruce to sidestep out of his way as he practically threw himself into the seat. “Unlike you, I tend to find a way to squeeze family into my schedule.”
In the darkness, only the whites of Bruce’s eyes were visible, peering down at Jason and looking strikingly like the lenses of the cowl. To anyone else, this might have felt eerie, almost menacing.
To Jason, it felt like a Tuesday.
“Go. Run along to wherever it is you go at times like these," Jason said, wagging his fingers in a shoo motion. "We’ll be here when you decide to start caring again.”
Bruce left without another word, closing the door behind him just a tad softer than necessary. It was an overcorrection, a conscious effort not to slam it. And that’s how Jason knew he had gotten to him.
He always got to him.
Several minutes after Jason had begun scrolling through his phone, halfway between sleep and consciousness, the trill of a heart monitor caught his attention.
He looked up. Damian was still asleep, but the machine he was attached to was going crazy, spiking as if he were in a dead sprint. Jason rose to get a closer look and found Damian drenched in sweat and panting, his face contorted in terror.
“Hey,” Jason whispered, placing a hand on his narrow chest and shaking him. “Hey, whoa. Damian. Damian, calm down.”
The kid gasped, his eyes flying open and darting around the room as if still seeing the ghost of whatever nightmare he had been trapped in.
Jason waited for his gaze to finally find him before asking, “They gone?”
Damian looked around the room again, a quick check of all the shadows and dark corners, before offering a quick nod.
“Good.”
Damian sucked in a shaky breath as he adjusted himself on the pillows so that he was sitting mostly upright, and Jason couldn’t help but notice how small he looked with his massive t-shirt hanging like drapes from his shoulders. It must have been one of Bruce’s.
“If you need more sedatives—" Jason began, reaching for the pill bottle, but Damian stopped him with a curt,
“Don’t.” His voice was somewhat frail despite how hard Jason knew he was likely working to sound indifferent. ”Where is Father?”
“Had some stuff to take care of,” Jason answered, finding a closer chair to pull up to the side of the bed.
“Hm.” Damian wasn’t looking at him, instead restlessly adjusting the sheets on the bed. The heart monitor’s incessant trilling was the ultimate betrayal of his forced calm—a canary in the coal mine.
“I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” the older boy added a little lamely.
“Only if he’s as idiotic as all the others.” At Jason’s confused frown, Damian continued, “I’m not some child who needs to be looked after at all hours. And it’s an insult for them to act as if I am. Not to mention a waste of time and resources.”
Jason leaned back in the plush seat, already exhausted by the direction of the conversation. “Time and resources?”
“If they’re babysitting me here that means they’re not out there doing something useful. The world doesn’t stop needing Batman and all the others simply because I’m temporarily incapacitated.”
“Right,” Jason sighed. “But here’s the thing: I get the whole ‘I don’t need help from anyone’ thing. I practically invented it. But I’ve also been on the receiving end of fear toxin, and that stuff is no joke. Especially if you have to deal with it solo. There’s no shame in needing a little backup.”
“Perhaps it is difficult for you, but I’m fine. I’ve trained for this.”
“You’ve trained to be trapped alone with your worst nightmares? What the hell kind of training—”
Damian leveled an outright bone-chilling stare on him, and the following silence was as much an explanation as it was a warning.
Jason cleared his throat. “Well, then let me put it this way: just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you have to. Gotham won’t fall just because a couple bats take a few days off to look after one of their own.”
“You—” And whatever Damian was about to say—and Jason was sure it was going to be insulting—shriveled in a quick gasp as the boy’s eyes flicked just over Jason’s shoulder. The heart monitor picked back up again, and Jason watched as Damian struggled to control his breathing, trembling hands clutching at the sheets.
“Where?” Jason asked quietly.
“By the door…”
The older boy turned to scan the dark walls, the corner, the dresser. He saw nothing.
“Make it go away,” Damian begged. “Please…”
When Jason turned back, he found two steady streams of tears running down Damian’s face, dripping from his chin. He had never seen the kid cry before.
“Damian,” he began, but the younger boy was screaming now, railing against whatever specter was lurking in shadows.
“You’re lying!” he wailed, starting to get up. Jason leapt out of his chair and pinned Damian’s small shoulders to the bed as the kid continued to scream at something—or someone—over Jason’s shoulder. “You’re lying! You’re lying! I’ll kill you!”
“It’s not real!” Jason shouted back, knowing that this wouldn’t work. It never did. “There’s nothing there! Just look at me! Look at me!”
But even as Jason forced himself directly into Damian’s eye-line, he could see that the kid was looking through him, seeing and unseeing at the same time. The boy was inconsolable now, weeping and screaming at the top of his lungs in a language Jason didn’t even recognize.
He continued to thrash against the older boy’s grip, much stronger than the average kid his age but still no match for Jason’s mass, until slowly he started to come back down. Whether the episode was passing, or he had simply exhausted himself, Jason couldn’t be sure, but after a few minutes the heart monitor started to settle back into a less agitated rhythm, and Damian managed to find and focus on Jason’s eyes again.
“They gone?” Jason asked, his hands still gripping Damian’s shoulders.
“Please,” he whispered, his eyes never straying from the older boy’s, “don’t make me look.”
“I won’t. You don’t have to look anywhere but this handsome mug, alright? I’m right here. All night if you want.”
Damian nodded, and Jason could see how hard he was trying not to look anywhere else in the room. He could see how petrified this kid was and how tired he was and God since when was this little brat so young?
“Move over,” Jason ordered softly, and to his surprise Damian obeyed and watched without protest as the older boy shed his boots and jacket and climbed into the massive bed with him.
Jason lifted his arm and pulled Damian into his side, gently guiding his face so that it was buried in his shirt to physically block out the rest of the world. He felt Damian shove his face even deeper into Jason’s ribs, and a moment later he felt Damian’s shoulders quivering again, little hiccupping breaths against his side.
“I can still see it,” he whispered.
“I know.” Jason squeezed him harder, glaring around the room and wishing for something to beat the crap out of. He would suck up a couple lungfuls of fear toxin himself right now if it meant he’d be able to stand between Damian and whatever it was that was tormenting him. “But I’ve got you.”
“Thank you, Father,” Damian mumbled, sounding already mostly asleep.
Jason tensed, but forced himself to breathe through it. And when the door finally cracked open nearly an hour later, spilling light into the room, they were in much the same position, Jason having been too scared to move a muscle even after his shoulder had begun to cramp up.
Bruce poked his head in and hesitated.
“It’s alright,” Jason assured him. “You won’t wake him up.”
The older man entered, a silhouette gliding noiselessly across the floor. “I’m sorry for being away for so long. There were some…complications. But we’ve got a promising lead on a new anti-toxin formula. It should help.”
Jason nodded. “I figured Scarecrow must have cooked up something new. I’ve never seen it linger like this before.”
“Hn.” He leaned across Jason to glide his fingers along Damian’s brow and gently cup his cheek. Jason wondered if Bruce could see the dried tear tracks there. “How was he?”
“About how you’d expect. He’s strong, though. Maybe too strong for his own good.”
Bruce chuckled, a quick exhale through his nose, before pulling away. “I can take over from here if you want to go.”
Jason looked at Damian still curled into his side then back at Bruce. Suddenly, he was grateful not to be the one hooked up to the heart monitor. “Actually, think I might hang around for a little while longer. If you’re okay with that.”
Bruce blinked. “Of course. Absolutely.” And taking the seat Jason had moved near the bed, he added, “I always have time for you, by the way. All of you. There’s never anything more important.”
“I know.” And though there were many memories Jason could use to poke holes in this notion, for now at least, he decided not to. Because deep down, he knew how desperately they both wanted it to be true.
And maybe tonight that could be enough.
#batman fanfic#damian wayne#damian wayne whump#jason todd#bruce wayne#batman fanfiction#batfam fanfiction#batfam fanfic#at least for tonight#whump#mild hurt/comfort
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My thoughts on Episode 9--No Other Way
As always, placed behind a cut for those of you that would rather escape my babbling, lol. You’re welcome.
Okay.
It took a minute for my app to wake up. It didn’t get the memo to rise and shine at 4 am like the rest of us--how much do I hate that work has trained my body to wake up at a set time everyday, no matter whether I want to or not, lol--but I guess it served me well in the end so.
Anywho. I had a bit of a wait. Thus, time to think and let my brain get with the program and during this little siesta, I mulled whether my anticipation had ultimately been outweighed or overshadowed by dread thanks to the ongoing OTT celebrations from certain factions of fans.
Spoiler alert: turns out I really and truly don’t trust their judgment for shit, never have, and I’m too ready to see our babies to care about their never-ending hate campaign. 10/10 recommend this attitude to everybody. It saves a whole lotta grief.
Enough lead in. Y’all ready? In 3-2-1. Shae’s stream of consciousness review coming right at ya.
Okay, okay. Maggie’s getting tossed around like a ragdoll by a big, burly NFL linebacker retiree/Reaper while those Angry Birds fireworks spears are screaming past her like missiles. Cool opening. Cool. Whoa. Is that what they call making a splashy entrance? Or a dramatic AF exit?
Well holy shit. Just when did it change from me rolling my eyes and stifling a groan whenever I see Negan to breathing out a sigh of relief and feeling--I don’t know. I wouldn’t call it happy exactly but I know at least he’s gonna spice up Maggie’s scenes so there’s that. I will say though. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed JDM--big difference, big distinction, what have you--until I saw his scruffy mug so yeah. We’re gonna admit my crush (lifelong, lol, thanks to Denny, my beloved) is still going strong. ; )
Personally, I think the mere fact Negan hasn’t ditched Elijah and run to save his own hide is earning him some reluctant, perhaps subconscious, definitely unwanted brownie points with Mags.
I’ve always wanted a secret door to somewhere, lol, so that secret door in the infirmary delighted me much more than it should have. I blame my love of A Secret Garden as a child.
Ahhhhh! I’ve missed the opening credits and the theme song and hearing it and knowing we’re essentially on a countdown to the last time is making me emotional. It really is. That said, I do still prefer the original opening credits and would love if the show went all “retro” for the finale and had a new “old” version again. Just to tie things up in a neat little bow of nostalgia. It’ll never happen but oh how I wish it would.
That shot of Rosita and Lydia going all Buffy the Vampire Slayer on the stair Walkers was simple but badass. Love the girl power. Oh and Dianne lives! Only to die? We shall see.
The fuck do those things want in the basement so bad anyway? Do Judith and Gracie smell like a couple of walking chicken nuggets to them? A late night Taco Bell Cravings Box? You’d think they’d be most interested in all the people they keep trying to convince us are upstairs.
Anyway. Moving on.
Yeah, no. Make that 4 feet of water in the basement make sense. I’ll wait.
Jerry! Aaron! Oh wow. My girl Carol looking beautiful as ever! Listen. Would I have liked to SEE her working with the superheroine sisters to save the walls? Hell yeah. But I’ll take what I can get because I was honestly afraid they were just gonna allude to her whereabouts offscreen after the shoddy treatment our leading lady got in 11A.
Kelly being so reluctant to leave her sister’s side. My heart. I love them.
Gracie’s whistle! Aka, the call to the Undead Wild. But whatever. Baby girl got some lung power for Daddy Aaron to hear it over the storm. Or maybe he just got Daddy ears and could hear that whistle anywhere like a dog hearing a dog whistle. Yet more proof Aaron is half Golden Retriever/half human.
Carol, Kelly, and Jerry are my kind of trio. I’d follow them anywhere.
Well. At least it’s partly cloudy with what looks like a chance of rain later at Meridian, lol.
Father G--still hobbling to fight another day.
Daryl--is that what they call a knife to the gut (sorry, lame, I know)?
It’s been so long since I bothered to watch any of the boring Reaper bullshit that I don’t remember if Austin is significant to Daryl’s latest prisoner/fake turncoat arc or not. Kudos to the Reaper outside that door for dropping that name for me. Other than asshole Carver, I can’t distinguish one from the other.
Leah legit sours my throat with bile. Maybe that’s what Angela Kang was going for. I don’t know. Someone forgot to send LCol the memo though. Or else she immediately deleted it sight unseen for plausible deniability. Even her voice triggers that upheaval response. Ugh.
Side note: I actually feel bad for these dudes playing Reapers. Unproblematically excited as far as I know and their story went over like a lead balloon.
Daddy Aaron to the rescue! Whoa. Cool underwater shot with that Walker kill. He saved our little girls. Whew. For a minute there I was worried about Judith. Insert eyeroll emoji. Judith handled that situation like a champ. I was worried for Gracie, full stop, but at least it looks like they decided to spare Aaron. Well, maybe not. Oh shit.
“Worry about yourself first.” LMAO. Father Savage is back, y’all. Reaper priest almost had him. Or did he? “No oneis above saving?” Hmm.
Maggie being chased by Carver like the final girl. Methinks she’s leading him into a trap. At least I hope so.
Really though? A bat? Negan, man. Choose another weapon. Anyway. I do love the teamwork but you know that’s gotta be triggering AF.
“Well. Ding, ding.” The way that made me LMAO. It’s all in JDM’s delivery, y’all. Think I’m gonna steal that for later.
Maggie’s reluctant acknowledgment of gratitude to Negan is enough. I’m tired of the retread dialogue but she owes him nothing she doesn’t want to give. He gleefully murdered her husband. The father of their unborn child. He can keep trying to prove he’s changed but IMHO? If she doesn’t want to accept it? She doesn’t have to.
The Elijah dude really made me feel his pain over his sister with just his face and no words so kudos.
C’mon, now. I thought people were saying Daryl was yelling “Don’t” to Maggie about Leah. LOL. I mean, did LCol plant that suggestion to make it look like Daryl actually still give a shit?
Smart move to use Carver. Least I think. We’ll see.
Listen. Team Family climbing around like Olympic Champion monkeys this ep. I could never. Don’t have the arm strength, lol. I’d be like that squirrel trying to climb that greased pole to the bird feeder. Y’all know the one.
Lydia saved Aaron? My baby girl. Oh my heart. Wonder if this will change or move the needle somewhat on my boy’s perception that no Whisperer is worth saving or that they’re all bad? Lydia saying “You would have done the same for me” truly made me pause because despite knowing his misgivings, knowing the times he hasn’t full on embraced her as family and one of their own, she still believes in his good heart, and it makes me cry for her. That trust. I loved the little pause on Aaron’s part before he answered her. It’s almost like he didn’t realize he actually would and was surprised. Anyway. I think Lydia’s finally earned her standing with Aaron as one of the family and I could honestly see him going full protection mode for her in the future.
Where is Dog in all this chaos? Gnawing on some milk bones? I hope he’s warm, dry, and well fed. Little traitor, lol.
Yeah, Leah’s a duplicitous bitch.
Why does this feel like some kind of Western duel or standoff?
“Nope. No Jenson/Jentzen (sp?) here.” LMAO. I do love me some savage ass Father G. “Call me Gabriel.” Negan’s face SENT me.
Fucking go, Maggie. I loved the dramatic music that accompanied that little piece of deserved and earned brutality. ;) Never mind I don’t know who the hell Elijah was talking about because they redshirts. The world is down a bunch more boring ass Reapers and Negan knows he better toe some kind of line.
Dammit, Daryl. You dumbass. She deserved DEATH not BREATH.
There my boy Dog magically is. Thank goodness they didn’t have Leah use him against Daryl in their ugly breakup. My heart couldn’t have handled it.
Maggie knows Alden’s dead. C’mon. That’s why she went alone. They finally decided to remember the poor dude. Adam has had so many sets of parents. Maybe Commonwealth has some kind of support group for that.
All those crosses. Ouch.
Negan ain’t wrong. Maggie gonna do what Maggie gonna do. There goes any levity or tension to Maggie’s story, but you know what? I’m here for it because your girl is TIRED of them having the same scene different verse over and over again.
Carol looking out and watching for her bae like Daryl did after spending all night on that log with Negan and looking mighty fine doing it, I might add. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but did they raid a Cabela’s in between reinforcing walls, putting out fires, and playing lifeguard in the basement?
Of course her man is the first one she sees.
Judith running to Uncle Daryl always makes this girl smile. Sue me. I’m a sentimental fool.
Look at Lydia’s happy little face.
The way Carol almost fell into Daryl’s arms like a wife happy to see her husband home made my heart flutter. You know she’s keeping her cool in front of the kids.
Both my girls feeling some kind of way about Negan. My, how times have changed. I wonder. Will Lydia harbor any future resentment toward Maggie for this? She didn’t know Glenn so she’s not as closeto the history there. But she’s been an outsider so she identifies and empathizes with Negan somewhat. Future conflict between the two of them perhaps?
Look at little RJ. They keep that cute baby monosyllabic or silent, lol.
Okay. I bought Father G’s look at Rosita but girl looked kind of unimpressed, lol.
How adorable is Coco?
OMFG. That’s what people been declaring canon over? LMAO. Whoever called it a Bro Shove was spot on. All they needed was a basketball and a court and I could have seen them going to shoot some hoops later. It had that kind of catch up feel. It was cute. I’ll give you that. And it hinted at literally no romantic feelings or implications at all. Daryl looks like he just got reunited with his sisters. Y’all. For real. Put down the crackpipes if you forecasting marriage proposals because of this. We good.
Now the implications of Carol witnessing? That screams jealous, insecure, disbelieving of her own worth love interest. But antis gonna anti so of fucking course they see it as Carol shipping them when the truth is she is literally the only person on earth, fictional or real, that honestly and without ulterior motive, ships Daryl with happiness.
And y’all. Carol is literally framed between them. She is 100% the reason why it’s not like that and she just doesn’t realize it. At this point, the only person, ahem--people, in more willful denial are the shippers of the other ship.
Stormtroopers on horseback. Surely our nerd Jerry can appreciate this. You know he’s a not so closeted Star Wars lover. Has to be.
Eugene running ahead saying “we’re all friends” made me giggle, okay. Josh as Eugene has a very distinct gait/run and it never fails to make me laugh.
Look. If Daryl and Connie really were like *that*, realistically, who do you think he’d be standing within arms’ reach of lined up in front of some strange newcomers he for sure doesn’t trust? Certainly not Carol. C’mon, people. Put your thinking caps on. Shit goes down? He wants Carol nearby just in case. I swear. Some people willfully dense AF.
6 months later, huh? I hate Angela’s apparent lady hard on for these time jumps but I do appreciate the idea that Maggie really said fuck slimy Lance Hornsby and his politician’s suit.
Holy shit. Daryl in stormtrooper gear demanding Maggie open up the gates of Hilltop. WTF, lol.
Who’s Stephen Campbell? Anybody know? Some digging is in order.
So. Some overall impressions because I figure if you’re still reading at this point, why the hell not?
I love that shit actually got done.
Maggie and Aaron were badass.
Daryl was a dumbass letting Leah live. Like that time they didn’t end the Governor, I fear this one will come back to bite them in the ass.
Daryl’s reunion with Carol and the kids was heartwarming and felt like two marrieds that had been through it all a million times before reuniting and it had the right kind of understated flavor, considering they haven’t 100% cleared the air with each other.
Daryl 100% views Connie as a sister. Kelly too. Only Carol and the antis think otherwise and only Carol’s reasons make gd sense.
Lance is slimy AF.
Lydia has my heart. Girl saved a man she felt didn’t 100% have her back as a former Whisperer and Aaron felt small because he’d been wrong not to embrace her wholly.
Aaron is such a good dad.
Carol and Negan remain the only two that have the ability to cut through the bullshit and see the larger picture. Except where Daryl is involved for Carol because her heart and her insecurities are too damn loud.
Judith, Uncle Daryl scenes, however small? Continue to warm my heart.
RJ is literally just there as a peace offering for pissed off R!chonne fans to keep the lid on their rage, IMHO. He’s cute but so far? A non-factor. Because the mama that lost Andre so tragically would have never left him. Ever. I don’t care how people try to rationalize that OOC behavior to benefit their shipping preference/perspective. I’ll die on this hill. M!chonne as a character was done so dirty but I suppose backstage decisions dictated their options and they chose the least sensical one that pandered the most to the ship. They dampened my personal enjoyment in the process. Here’s hoping they’ll find a way to right the ship in the future.
Father G and Rosita are still so mismatched. Like I don’t even get the vibe she’s really into him. More that she looked at the X’s and O’s and decided he best overall benefits Coco and okay, fair. I don’t understand it but I do.
Anywho. I cannot wait for super spy Carol to take the Commonwealth down.
The rest? I’ll reserve judgment.
Here comes Angela’s explanation points, lol. Let’s see if I learn anything new.
Nope, nope.
Although. It didn’t really hit me how much Maggie’s killing of Carver literally echoed Negan’s killings of Glenn and Abe until I saw the moments back to back so yeah. Kinda cool but Maggie still has the moral high ground, IMHO. By a hair.
I’d explain why but this is already a typo ridden thesis so.
Until next time, lovelies.
Same time next week.
#The Walking Dead#Season 11#TWD spoilers#things that make me smile and cry#for reasons#Shae's thinky thoughts
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A/N: Request from @holacherrycola90. Finally! Here’s my Prince Nuada Imagine! Enjoy! ♥
Words: 2346
Warnings: angst, mentions of blood and corpses
He had come out of nowhere, seemingly. No, this wasn’t right. He had come bursting through the window. Burglary and assaults were common this way in your humble town, not however, when you were based on the sixteenth floor. There was blood, screams, debris and repulsion; a convulsion of pain, horror and violence, all senses mixing to a dizzying thick blanket that threatened to steal away your consciousness.
They were all dead. He had killed them. Nausea clawed at your guts and throat when you realised the gravity of what it was like to have witnessed murder, to have witnessed someone die right in front of your eyes.
The blood you were covered in was not yours. It was theirs. And he was still here, treading over the mangled corpses like he would overcome a rocky path.
He had white hair, so white it almost blinded you, his skin as pale as the moonlight. And his eyes… his eyes were red… orange… of a colour defying the beauty of a sunset. He was alien. Never before had you seen something so beautiful and horrifying at the very same time.
He could not possibly have spared you on purpose. You had been buried under two dead bodies during his killing spree, unable to and too terrified to sit up and flee. Now, you cowered there, on the ground in midst a pool of blood, wishing you had called in sick and stayed home. Was this the end? Would you be murdered by a man seemingly not of this world? You were by no means superstitious but you had long accepted that humans could not be the only intelligent species in this universe. If only the proof of this mindset of yours had come peacefully instead of violently.
His clothes were strange too, you realised when you dared another timid glare. Scars and fine lines defined his sharp face. He was wearing battle armour. Battle armour from another world, so it appeared.
“It is not here?”
His accent was otherworldly. Like he spoke a strange language long forgotten by mankind. You could not see the creature he was speaking to until it stepped into the light—an already broken light bulb already emitting sparks; a death trap for the puddle right underneath its weak beam.
Holding back a scream when you took in the creature’s appearance, you resisted, with all your willpower, to flinch back, yet you could not stop the subtle movement of your right hand subconsciously grabbing the shoulder of a dead body next to you.
You held your breath when the strange warrior spun around with a start, facing your trembling form on the ground and pointing his large spear directly at your panic-stricken face.
“Where is it?” It was a question. Directed at you. Your heart skipped a beat. “The crown piece of Bethmora. It was here.”
Any moment now he would dash forward and pierce your throat with the pointy tip of the spear—you would join the corpses surrounding you, bleeding to death and choking on your own blood within a matter of seconds. Your lower lip was shaking when you opened your mouth.
The crown piece. It had been taken away for an auction only yesterday morning. Your supervisor had approved of it after your examination. It was of unspeakable value, made of pure gold with an ancient crafting technique. It would sell for millions.
“It’s not here,” you whispered, unable to raise your voice out of fear of imminent death. “Not anymore. It was taken yesterday.” The warrior snarled. You forced your eyes shut. Darkness was more welcome than your murderer glaring at you through cold, blood-orange eyes as he killed you. But the fateful blow never came.
He was staring at you when you risked another peek up at him, your body still shaking like dry autumn leaves in the wind.
“Where is it?”
Swallowing thickly, you stuttered the name of the location, unable to form another functioning sentence. Not until he stepped closer.
“Don’t kill me… please…”
He crouched down and tilted his head. What was it that stopped him from chopping your head off like he had with all the other meagre and now massacred humans around you? Was it your trembling lips? Would they be soft if he ran his thumb over them? Would he feel the salty tears on his finger and smear them all over your mouth as he did?
You radiated innocence like a blooming flower. “Mr Wink,” he started, never taking his blood-orange gaze off of you as his smooth voice echoed over the murder scene. “Locate the crown piece.” The creature nodded—out of obedience, companionship or respect, you could not tell—and disappeared in the shadows. You did not dare let out a relieved breath though.
“I am Prince Nuada Silverlance.” He introduced himself then. “I am here to claim what is rightfully mine and I will not rest until it is in my possession.”
You dreaded asking what it was he was looking for. Treasure? Heirs? Political power?
“The annihilation of the human race.” He said, without so much as blinking. Your blood ran cold. So he would kill you. “The crown pieces, once re-matched, will allow me to awaken the Golden Army… and destroy human kind once and for all.”
“W-What… what are you?”
“I am an Elf.”
Your lips parted. Elves had looked so different in your fairy tales and stories from when you were a child. Cheerful and happy, not malicious and cruel.
“B-but why?” You regretted the words as soon as they escaped your lips. Nuada narrowed his eerie eyes at you.
“Why? My race was slaughtered by your people. We have been in hiding ever since, like pets in a cage. Your kind deserves death.” Your eyes widened, your mind unwilling to process his words.
“So you will kill me now?” You chirped. Nuada had noticed your tears before you had. They were streaming down your cheeks in a seemingly endless waterfall, worsening your sight. Yet, his response surprised you.
“No. I will not kill you.”
-
Nuada spent two weeks in hiding. The humans had learned about the incident and the murders, of course, and the police had been searching for the culprit ever since. You had read it in a newspaper a businessman must have abandoned at the station.
You were still alive, living, breathing. The question had been burning on your tongue ever since. Why? Why hadn’t he killed you? And most importantly… why had he kept you with him?
You were still afraid of him, of course—if only a little bit. Just enough to avoid asking him why he had not ended your life. He knew you had been awake the night he had taken you, on the edge of consciousness for your mind had soon shut down to not become a victim of madness. When he had told you—vowed—to keep you safe from his conquering.
You remembered it so well you could still feel his cool fingertips lingering on your cheeks and even your lips. He had watched you sleep for most of the cold night, wondering intently why he had kept you alive. Was it so he would have a reminder of what he would have accomplished soon, if he kept the last remaining human to himself? Was it so, if he so desired, he could mix his race with yours to humiliate humanity even further or was it to keep a trophy, a pet?
Blinking, you rose from the makeshift bed. It was no less than a collection of old pillows and a blanket on a handful of cardboard. There was no luxury underground. The place Nuada had chosen for his preparations was ghastly, yet it was perfect for his dark schemes.
He was training, practicing. His spear, so you learned, could shrink to an arm-sized knife if he wanted to. Gracefully, he whirled around half on the ground, half in the air, fighting invisible enemies. His bare body—pale und inhuman like his face—was covered in battle scars. There was a part of you that longed to trace every single one of them with your fingertips.
Prince Nuada was beauty. Not in the conventional meaning of the word and not in the way magazines would rave about make-up and models. Nuada was beautiful in his very own way. He was… fascinating. It scared you how much he enchanted you despite his racist nature, his wish to kill your kind because of humanity’s own cruelty towards his people. No one was just the victim here.
“It is almost time.” He said without turning around to face you. The sound of metal scratching echoed through the dark and moist underground station as he shrunk his spear back to a handy knife. Time for what? You thought. The ultimate destruction of this planet?
“Did you sleep well?”
“Uh… yes. It was a little cold.” You replied timidly.
“I can ask Mr Wink to obtain another blanket for you.” Finally, he spun around, his warm eyes boring into yours. “But it will not be much longer now. I am taking you to my home where you will be safe from the Golden Army.”
“W-where… where is your home?”
“Somewhere underneath New York City, approximately six miles underground.” Six miles. No wonder he found comfort and peace in being down here. But the thought of spending even more time in the dark, away from light and the outside world made you both anxious and nauseous.
“No… Nuada, I can’t… you can’t expect me to live under the Earth. Let me return to—“
“No. As soon as I give the order, the Army will slaughter mankind like my father should have ordered them to a long time ago. They will make no exceptions and spare you like I did.”
“What if I don’t want them to spare me? What if I don’t want to live like this?”
“I vowed to keep you safe, is that not enough?” He spat, sheathing his knife away.
“But why? Why did you do this? You keep me here, away from my life, claiming you are protecting me. Nuada… I am grateful you spared me… but you can’t keep me locked up in here with you forever.”
“Not forever,” he retorted quickly. “Once the last crown piece is mine, I will rise in this place as its new king. You will be by my side, safe.”
“You mean after you’ve extinguished my race?” You chirped. No, no tears. You had been crying so often lately. And you were worried Nuada would grow tired of your tears. “What is my life worth if I spend it in solitude?”
“You will not be alone. I will care for you.”
“Nuada. Don’t. I beg you.”
He snorted. “The humans must pay for what they did to us.”
“I am human too!”
“You are an innocent.”
“So are billions of others! Billions! Mothers and fathers and children and elders who don’t even know your race exists and who didn’t make the decision to harm you in any way!” You shrieked, blinking frantically to scare away the tears.
“You are testing my patience. There is always a price to pay. That is the burden of ruling.”
“I don’t think that’s how kings should act.”
“Silence now!”
“You don’t get to silence me! What is the point of all of this, Nuada? My begging tires you it seems but what would you do if an elf threatened to wipe out your entire race? Life as you know it? Friends and family?!”
“It is no less than what my people had to endure, (Y/N).” You shivered when he spoke your name. It was always special for he did not do it often. And he was calm—eerily calm. After you had lashed out at him like this, you should have worried for your life. Strangely though… you didn’t. Not even when he backed you against a destroyed pillar, his face only inches from yours—close enough to study every single unique line on his white face.
“I should abandon you,” he muttered, more to himself than to you. “What is it about you? You are only human.” If the situation hadn’t been so tense, you would have joked with him—flirted with him even, for you had definitely heard better compliments. In a twisted way, you were flattered by the way he treated you, wanting to keep you from any harm as if you were a princess of a faraway realm. But you were not. You were you, a young woman building a career in archaeology and antique trade.
“You are so fragile,” he continued hoarsely. “I cannot let them harm you.”
“Why? Nuada, why?” Your voice was but a mere whisper. You could feel his hot and moist breath on your lips. But you already knew the answer. He had feelings for you, had been growing them since he had laid his eyes on you in between puddles of blood and dead bodies, terrified and alone. Like a white flower they were blooming in his heart, mocking his motives and what he had in store for humanity.
A barely audible gasp escaped you when his cold lips brushed against yours lightly, like the gentle touch of a butterfly’s wings. Perhaps you had become his conscious all those days back upon your first encounter. Perhaps you had become his very own way of living with the horrible deed he was about to do. However, there was also a glimmer of hope. There was a reason your heart had pounded like a steam hammer upon his tender touch on your cheek; a reason for why his proximity did not repulse but excite you.
Before you could stop yourself, you brought your palms to his bare chest, feeling his hard muscles and those unique scars against your skin, allowing him, no, inviting him to kiss you properly. There was still hope he would spare humanity, you were sure of it—for you.
-
A/N: Check out my blog to find more Imagines and take a glimpse at my first (to be) published novel! If you enjoyed this story, I would appreciate it so much if you supported me on Kofi! ko-fi.com/sserpente ♥
#prince nuada#prince nuada imagine#prince nuada x you#prince nuada x reader#hellboy#hellboy imagine#hellboy 2#hellboy 2 imagine#hellboy the golden army#hellboy the golden army imagine#luke goss#nuada silverlance#nuada silverlance imagine#nuada silverlance x you#nuada silverlance x reader
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What Love Is
read on Ao3
Kyoko wakes up in the middle of the night to an empty bed. Naturally, she has a plethora of guesses as to where Makoto can be, but only one that truly makes sense to her. So she goes to check on him.
--
Kyoko was slowly getting used to waking up beside someone else. It had been terribly awkward and foreign at first, but she would be lying if she said she didn’t understand the appeal of sleeping beside a loved one.
Because of this, it was now rather strange to be alone.
She wasn’t exactly sure what woke her, but there was something quite clear to her even before she opened her eyes; the other side of the bed was unoccupied. Her arm was outstretched, but it lay across cold sheets rather than a warm chest. She opened bleary eyes, blinking as she took in the dark room. Based on the curtains covering the windows, she could tell it was still late, or maybe just early morning. The house was quiet, and she was alone.
Pushing herself to sit up, she rubbed at her eyes, the blanket dropping from her chest and into her lap. There was no use just sitting there and wondering, so she tossed the blankets aside and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, bare feet touching the cold floor. A shiver ran down her spine, but she walked away from the warm bed anyway, pulling one of Makoto’s jackets closer to her body.
Out of their shared bedroom, she glanced down the hallway to the right. The bathroom door wasn’t closed. It had been one of her least likely guesses, but a possibility, nonetheless. Being a detective meant she could imagine many different possibilities when a mystery presented itself. Though this was certainly less of a mystery than what she normally dealt with.
She walked on the balls of her feet, mostly out of habit, keeping her steps quiet against the old wood floor as she headed down the hallway. Her eyes slowly began adjusting to the dark as her mind adjusted to consciousness, becoming more alert the more steps she took. Reaching the end of the hallway proved her first hunch to be correct.
The small, cozy living room was normally dark at this time of night, but the curtains against the window were drawn back, allowing stray beams of moonlight to stream into the room. At first glance, it would seem that the room was empty and that someone had simply just forgotten to draw the curtains, but out of habit, Kyoko always made sure to view things as thoroughly as she was able. And to the side of the couch, peeking just above one of the armrests, was a single cowlick that never stayed down, no matter what.
Quietly, she walked around the couch, making her steps just audible enough so that she would not startle him. Even as she entered the space she knew he would be able to see through the corner of his eye, he didn’t look at her. He was sitting on the floor against the armrest of the couch, knees to his chest, and a blanket pulled around his shoulders. Brown eyes that normally held warmth were dull and glazed, probably staring at nothing in particular despite his head tilted just slightly upward, giving the impression he might have just been looking out the window.
She knew better. She knew him too well.
She would be lying if she said the sight didn’t pull at her heart. Makoto Naegi had been an enigma, the one to defrost her icy heart, and ever since, she had become almost terrifyingly soft. Memories were certainly still hazy, but no one had ever had an effect of her like he had. He was the Ultimate Hope for a reason; and maybe, for that reason, it was difficult to remember sometimes that he was still young. They both were. And no matter how many times she would deny it outwardly, their time at Hope’s Peak had had a terrible effect on both of them. She...was just better at hiding it, though Makoto always worried about her no matter what, even if he couldn’t see the feelings she kept locked inside, while his were put on display for all to see. They were complete opposites, and she loved him more than anything else in the world.
That still scared her, but she knew better than to push him away. Pushing him away had led to more disaster than she anticipated. So she learned from her mistakes, and allowing herself to be open to love and receiving it in return had proven to be a lot...nicer than she’d previously thought.
Slowly, she stepped closer, crouching beside him. “Makoto.” The second her gloved hand touched his shoulder, he gasped, shuddering and deep, blinking glaze out of his eyes to try and focus onto Kyoko’s steady gaze.
It seemed, for a moment, he forgot to breathe; and then he exhaled slowly, managing a shy smile. It was almost as if he had returned back to his normal self right away. “Ah - I’m sorry, um...did I wake you? I tried to be quiet when I got up…”
Two thoughts immediately came to mind; one, even though he was always open, he tried to keep his more serious emotions at bay, which never could slip past her even though he tried each time. And two, he most likely had no idea how long he’d been sitting there and staring into space. She had a feeling that he’d been sitting there long before she came back to consciousness.
“No, you didn’t wake me up,” she replied, slowly removing her hand from his shoulder. She had no idea what to say at first. It wasn’t like she didn’t know what he was doing here; it wouldn’t take the Ultimate Detective to figure it out. Given that it was the middle of the night and he was awake and lost in thought, it could only have been a nightmare.
They stared at each other for a few moments in that silence while she thought about it. Makoto’s shy smile didn’t waver as he slowly outstretched the arm closest to her, allowing her room to sit next to him around the blanket. “Wanna join me?”
Despite herself, and despite the situation, she couldn’t help but close her eyes for a moment, a small smile pulling at the corners of her lips. She opened her eyes and slid in to sit beside him, pulling her side of the blanket over her shoulder. As their shoulders touched, she could feel him relax, and she couldn’t help but look over. He had returned his gaze toward the window, and in the moonlight she noticed the bags under his eyes and the way he blinked just a little slower than usual. So he was exhausted.
“...Do you want to talk about it?” This, of course, was the most logical course of action in this scenario. She kept her steady gaze on him, seeing the surprise line his features as he looked back at her, before being replaced by another small smile. She knew he knew he couldn’t fool her, though he still tried. That was just who he was. But after everything he’d done to help her, she thought it was only fair to, little by little, return the favor.
“Guess I can’t hide it from you, huh. I should know better by now.” So her guess had been proven to be right. There were a few moments of quiet which he was most likely using to gather his thoughts, eyes closed as he breathed in and out. Then he opened them again, letting out a dry laugh. “It’s kind of stupid.”
She shook her head. “Just tell me.”
He paused, then nodded, returning his gaze to the window with a sad smile, pulling his knees just a little closer to his chest. “I guess it was because I was thinking about it the other day, but I dreamed...it felt like we were back at Hope’s Peak.” His voice was soft and brittle. “I saw everyone again, and...all the bodies, the executions. All of it. It’s burned into my brain and I had to watch it all again.” He let out a shaky laugh this time. “You’d think after all this time it wouldn’t get to me as much.”
She couldn’t say she was surprised. Even while her memory had been hazy, seeing bodies hadn’t been a shock to her. But to Makoto, and mostly everyone else in their class, it had been. He had been just a normal boy before entering Hope’s Peak Academy. Thanks to Junko Enoshima, that had all changed.
Sighing, she kept her gaze on him. “Makoto, don’t you remember what you told me?”
“Huh?”
“You told me you would never get over their deaths. That you would ‘always carry them with you.’ It doesn’t matter how much time has passed.” She looked toward the window. “They were your... our friends, and they were driven to do terrible things for everyone else’s own filthy enjoyment.” That first night, when he’d said all that to her, it had been the first time she’d realized he was special. An enigma, and one to be wary of. She could almost laugh; if her past self saw where she was now, cuddled up next to that boy in the middle of the night, she wasn’t sure what she would do.
Leaning his head back against the armrest, Makoto smiled a little to himself. “Yeah, I did say that. I remember you telling me I was strong before I shouted at you.” He glanced back to her, some warmth returning to his eyes. She always loved the way he looked at her, as if she was the only woman in the world. It was stupid to think that way, or at least, she used to think that. Love...it wasn’t as terrible as she’d thought.
Kyoko reached for one of his hands, and he slowly let go of his knees, tucking them underneath himself instead. Their fingers intertwined. “You are strong. I still stand by that.”
Pink splashed across his cheeks; it wasn’t often she outright complimented him, but it wasn’t because she didn’t want to. It was more...she felt strange doing so. Perhaps one day she’d be able to. After all, Makoto had that certain effect on her.
“You know…” he yawned into his free hand, tired gaze shifting from the window to her. “There was one good thing about our time at Hope’s Peak.”
“Is that so?” she asked, raising a brow. “And what may that be?”
He smiled, tilting his head back to look up at the moon. “It brought me to you, of course. If anything, I’m grateful for that.”
Now it was her turn to blush. Damn Makoto, always saying things to throw her off. Even more unfortunate was that she had no response. It wasn’t as easy to fluster him anymore, not since they’d actually begun dating, but that didn’t mean she didn’t like to try. And now here he was, doing it to her. All she could do was scoff lightly, though it held no indignation because a smile gave her away. Dammit. She squeezed his hand instead of saying anything, and that seemed to suffice for him. He’d always been good at reading between the lines when it came to emotion, and now was certainly no exception.
An easy silence engulfed them as they both stared up at the moon. Based on its position in the sky, she could deduce that it was nearing two or three in the morning. There wasn’t much else to be said, so they didn’t. Besides, in a situation like this, she’d learned that just being there was enough. Speaking wasn’t always necessary.
Still, it was getting late. She was grateful she had woken up, even though she was certain he would have been fine on his own. Being someone’s girlfriend meant one had to care, and she certainly cared a whole lot more than she ever meant to. But was it really such a bad thing? She’d always been terrified of losing things; losing people like how she had lost her father. Makoto had taught her a lot of things; trust, hope, faith. He taught her how to no longer be afraid of these things. Most importantly, though, he allowed her to learn how to love again.
As she was beginning to think they should head back to bed, something caught the corner of her eye. Glancing to the side, she noticed his eyes were closed, chin dipping down toward his chest. His hand was limp in hers.
She found herself staring fondly for a few moments. He was so unbelievably stubborn, and though it could be infuriating, it was also endearing. The paradox was just fitting for a mystery like Makoto Naegi.
A part of her knew she ought to nudge him, to drag him back to bed with her so they could get some proper rest. But looking at him now, seeing the bags under his eyes in the shadow of moonlight, she didn’t have the heart to do it. He’d softened her in the way no one else had. Was that what love was? Well, she wasn’t sure if it was the same for everyone, but that was what it was to her, at least.
Love, to Kyoko, was Makoto.
She reached up, gently placing her hand on the opposite side of his head, guiding it to rest on her shoulder. He mumbled something under his breath, nuzzling his head closer, and then lay still. Now that she was alone, she smiled to herself as she pulled the blanket more snugly around him, gently placing a kiss to the top of his head. Leaning her head back against the armrest, her eyes took in the moon one more time.
His breaths, soft and even against her collarbone, were a comfort she never knew she wanted. And as she closed her eyes, her tired brain decided to voice one last thought. “I love you.”
As she drifted, though, she could have sworn she heard a mumbled response that sounded a lot like, “I love you, too.”
#danganronpa#dangan ronpa#kyoko kirigiri#makoto naegi#naegiri#dr1#this is like#the sweetest thing I think I've ever written#im sorry if you vomit#I just#love them#the character development#it's everything#ugh#anyway enjoy#my writing#agoldengalaxy#my post
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... May I ask you about the slow excruciating progression from Meng Yao to Jiggy?
also paging @holdmycaffeine and @cadencekismet, who asked me for the very same, and @acutebird-fics, who is my partner in crime deep philosophical discussions about these characters, and a great deal of this messy essay is informed by those
Tl;dr: JGY is a multifaceted character and the author struggles not to lose her mind trying to find the right words to describe that. Literally every single point of this rant is up for discussion, begging for it even, so please don’t hesitate to engage me, but, like... tomorrow, maybe. After I sleep it off.
Meta I used or referenced: THIS ONE explaining how JGS deciding to give him the name GuangYao is all kinds of wrong | THIS ONE talking about the red bindi-like Jin forehead dots, among other things | THIS ONE about his capacity for evil and his own recognition thereof
-
Alright, without any fancy preamble, here goes. Honestly, whenever I think about JGY for more than three seconds, it becomes painfully evident that there are two wolves inside me at all times - one wants to spend tens of thousands of words exploring his narrative, his choices, his abilities and his failings, his capacity for violence as well as his capacity for love...
And the other one just likes to call him a gremlin in chief in a fancy hat, and doesn’t want to go much further than that. I’m going to try and feed them both.
The thing that pisses me off about Meng Yao is just. The fact that he doesn’t stay Meng Yao, and we get to watch it happen in slow motion. You get a tiny little twink-ass kid who suddenly finds himself adopted into the Nie by the Sect Leader himself, and this is Meng Yao, the son of one of Jin Guangshan’s many mistresses, who doesn’t have a whole lot going for him aside from that, at that moment - his cultivation, weak. His opportunities, nonexistent. His dick, small. His political savvy, only just starting to show itself.
And this guy gets the chance of a lifetime presented to him on a Qinghe-silver platter. Like, we can argue about book canon and try and decide if he did anything at all to make NMJ notice him, but show canon makes it all the more hilarious (again, please refer to this gem of a post for a level of humor I’m sorely incapable of) - you’re seventeen, and the Batman of the cultivation world picks you up and elevates your status across swathes of societal norms, to a level you previously could have only dreamed of.
It’s interesting to me to try and imagine if this was the moment that Meant Something - in the grand scope of things, of course it did, because it started MY on the road to JGY, but also to Meng Yao personally, in terms of what he believed he could comfortably achieve. I do not for a second believe he started out wanting to murder people to reach his goal, or that he even had a good goal to begin with - being accepted by his father, maybe. Murdering the (at the time) greatest villain in the world, becoming a renowned spy, landing an incredibly beneficial sworn brotherhood, et cetera et cetera? I mean, the kid has wet dreams, but no way do they reach this far at this point in his life.
But so many things about him are unclear. Show canon changes his timeline, in that he met NMJ before he met Lan Xichen, and even accompanied NHS to the Cloud Recesses. Either way, his stint with the Nie is incredibly personally important to him. I firmly believe he loved and admired them, in his own way. He certainly flourished under NMJ’s tutelage and approval, but in the end, his motivations, his entire raison d’etre, clashed with NMJ’s too much. To Meng Yao, who’d gotten kicked down those infamous Koi Tower stairs for daring to ask for his father’s attention, murdering a guy for slandering him and his mother was a natural outcome of being slandered his entire life, and finally having had enough - to NMJ, it was unforgivable.
But this still isn’t where Meng Yao becomes Jin Guangyao, and it begs the goddamn question - how much of what JGY was perfectly willing and capable of doing to stay in power, had been present in Meng Yao that entire time? You see him make excuses that someone who isn’t NMJ, with his incredibly staunch morals and black-and-white view of the world, might have even accepted, but instinctively, you know - making excuses is just how it’s going to be with this guy.
Because Meng Yao, as well as Jin Guangyao, lies, and he is damn good at it. He is so good at it, that he lies his way to the very top of the Wen, all the way to Wen Ruohan’s side. His lying is what enables him to become Jin Guangyao. And like any good liar, he doesn’t only lie to the people around him - he also lies to himself.
And I can’t blame him, because - been there. Lying to yourself becomes absolutely necessary, when you want to keep everyone else around you believing in a mask you wear. You need to start believing it, at least a little bit, at least sometimes, for it to work.
At this point, you’re probably wondering - but Annie, what about the time he spent a year sheltering Lan Xichen? Did he lie then? Was he not just Meng Yao, a poor but cunning bookkeeper, then? I’m getting there, I swear. Slowly and in a roundabout sort of way, because honestly, I don’t know how I can start talking about the LXC of it all, without it turning into a novel.
Because whichever way you twist it, whatever canon you choose to follow, one constant remains - A-Yao’s feelings for Lan Xichen. I’m deliberately not calling him Meng Yao or Jin Guangyao, because it’s these feelings that divide the two, but also ultimately unify them, fatally so. But we’ll get there.
In one version of events, Meng Yao travels to Cloud Recesses at the behest of NMJ, and falls in love with a statue made of jade there. In another version of events, they meet during something LXC only describes as ‘the shame of a lifetime’. Both of those events lead to Meng Yao sheltering LXC, hiding him, saving his life and those precious Gusu Lan texts.
Whatever version of events you choose to see as the right one, one other truth also remains - Lan Xichen offers freely and without asking that which Meng Yao has had to struggle to attain, that which has been denied to him time and time again, based only on the circumstances of his birth: respect. Lan Xichen never looks down on him, never brings up his origins, and instead extends him respect and dignity in a way only he is capable of - no fucking wonder Meng Yao admires him. No fucking wonder, when this amazing guy, this perfect pristine handsome number one young cultivator, looks at him, smiles at him, and actually sees him, son of a whore or not.
No fucking wonder Meng Yao loves him, and Jin Guangyao continues loving him. No fucking wonder he never means to hurt him, but does so anyway.
But here’s the thing - lying to yourself to make things work only gets you so far. Do I think Meng Yao spends restless nights in cold sweat dreading who he’s becoming, thinking about all the lives he’s taken to further his goals? Absolutely not. Do I think he does good things, often even great things, because it helps him feel better about himself? Do I think he both loves Xichen and keeps him around because it’s beneficial to him, having the Lan Sect Leader in his pocket, but also personally speaking, having someone who so firmly believes in the goodness in him? You bet your overly adorned murderhat I do.
And frankly, reducing Jin Guangyao to one or the other - coldblooded murderer or a man plagued by his own insecurities, helpless and trying to be kind in a world that’s so evidently against him - is doing a character like him a huge disservice. You have to consider all sides, if you want to truly understand him. Hell, I myself am by no means claiming to truly understand him! He pisses me off daily, and I’m writing this stream-consciousness-y thing because he simply won’t shut up in my head.
This kid makes Choices, and here’s the catch - he doesn’t regret a whole lot of them. If anything, I’d like to think he regrets going along with his father’s plans for so fucking long before finally realizing that avenue won’t bring him what he seeks. Killing Jin Guangshan, by the way? Very sexy of him, that I’ll admit. Guy was a pig.
But even the obviously Good Choices he makes? Building those damn watchtowers? Letting Mo Xuanyu stay at Koi Tower? Seating Qin Su by his side at that same throne where his shitty father entertained concubine after concubine? (Frankly, please make up your own mind as to whether he was lying or telling the truth about learning about Qin Su being his sister before or after they’d consummated their marriage, I’m choosing to believe that he hadn’t known.)
How much of it really happens out of the goodness of his own heart, and how much of it happens because he wants to improve his own reputation, kintsugi away the minuscule cracks in his own image until he’s once again a perfect picture of Jin gold? Is he himself even capable of telling the difference, recognizing where his good intentions end and his desire to look out for number one begins? When you spend so much time crafting your own perfect mask, in your own head as well as others’, the lines blur real fast.
I think ultimately, he craves respect as much as he does pity, and those two never mesh well - the cultivation world never truly accepts him, his father certainly never truly accepts him, but Jin Guangyao is not Wei Wuxian, he can’t just look at all of these perceived injustices and slights, all of this gossip and slander, and say ‘Whatever’. No, Meng Yao takes one look at the world standing against him so very vehemently, and decides to fight it, fight tooth and nail for his place in it, until he comes out Jin Guangyao on the other side, gilded and pristine, ascending the stairs of Jinlintai to exact his revenge on anyone who dares not accept him.
The Guanyin Temple, in a way, is a perfect little vignette of his character - we observe him wildly oscillating between seeking out the aforementioned respect and pity, confessing boldly and laughing loudly one second, and pleading on his knees and clutching onto Lan Xichen’s robe the next. To him, that night, and everything leading up to it, is a series of footholds - the ground begins crumbling under his feet when he learns of the letter, and he has to act fast.
He buys himself time, excuse after excuse, thinking on his feet, and here’s the thing - he’s not necessarily the best at that. Anymore. Up until that point, until the letter and Qin Su and WWX turning up, everything is going according to plan, and his plan at this point is, frankly, correct me if I’m wrong, sitting pretty at the top of his golden tower and making sure the truth about him never comes to light, which... Well, we all know the truth has a nasty way of coming around when it’s least convenient for you.
And I think Jin Guangyao (not Meng Yao) is, at that point, unused to being inconvenienced. Everything he ever does, he calculates, he twists the public opinion of himself, he twists individual people’s opinions of himself, to suit him - nothing unexpected ever happens anymore, because he’s played the game long enough to foresee most things. Nie Huaisang beats him at that same game, not because he has a huge plan spanning decades of his own, but because he’s good at improvising, kicking the hornet’s nest and then knowing where to direct the fallout - but that is another essay all of its own waiting to happen.
For now, I feel like I need to wrap this up before I lose my mind. Personally (and please feel free to challenge me on this any time), I don’t feel like there’s a single defining moment, or even a handful of them, traumatic or otherwise, that irrevocably turns Meng Yao into Jin Guangyao. Sure, being kicked down the literal stairs leading to a better place for you a handful of times will have you feeling some kind of way. Sure, serving a maniacal warlord while playing an impossibly high-stakes game of spy poker will leave a mark or two. Sure, your sworn brother spitting in your face the very insults you’ve been hearing your whole life and never learned to shake off, will make one more vestige of patience inside you irrevocably crumble to smithereens. But.
Your whole life, you work very, very hard. You know to put your head down and get your hands dirty, but you also know that sometimes, the best way out of a hairy situation is turning on those puppy eyes and appearing just a smidgen weaker, a smidgen more frightened and helpless, than you actually are. And if, when you actually tell the truth and people still don’t believe you, lying becomes easier, becomes, eventually, so easy it feels as natural as breathing? Well. Might as well use that particular skillset to sneak your way through a war, am I right? Might as well use it to build yourself a nest among the very vultures who resent you, and whom you resent, and make sure that they have to respect you.
In the end, to me? Jin Guangyao is the guy who jumps from person to person, from callout to very personal callout, there in the Guanyin Temple, just to stall for time, just to regain some sort of foothold in the situation - he’s the guy who probably views losing an arm as a necessary sacrifice, shakes it off and still gets to work from there.
Meng Yao is the guy who wants to take his mother with, and who asks Lan Xichen the one question he’s dreaded knowing the answer to his entire life - not ‘will you stay and die with me?’, but the one that hides beyond that.
Is this what devotion is? Respect? Love? Is there, at this moment in time, enough of all of those things in your heart that you will, in fact, stay and die with me?
When Lan Xichen says yes, without words but still loudly enough to be understood without a doubt, Meng Yao is relieved, while Jin Guangyao is vindicated.
When Lan Xichen says yes, neither version of A-Yao needs to hear any more than that - the seventeen-year-old boy shooting a shot way above his station and loving a statue made of jade, who wants Lan Xichen to survive, and the man wearing the wrong name and the title of the first Chief Cultivator of his generation, who wants Lan Xichen to live with the weight of all his mistakes and misgivings, are both, for once, in accord. They’re both happy, and they both make that final push to save him.
In conclusion, if there even is one to this jumble of random thoughts... Jin Guangyao and Meng Yao are one and the same. Aspects of one can be found in the other, but neither feels remorse about his choices. Both of them, in turn, are capable of amazing things. Both of them are, in fact, capable of decidedly horrible things. One builds a wall around the other so thick, so impenetrable, you only catch glimpses, and only the ones he allows you to see. One learns very quickly that vulnerability is dangerous, unless employed proactively, and the other one perfects the craft.
Both of them believe they are perfectly justified in their actions. Both of them believe their own line of reasoning, their own excuses. Both of them want to be loved, for very different reasons, or for the very same ones, at the end of the day.
Both of them aspire to greatness, Meng Yao some vague idea of it instilled in him by his mother teaching him to believe his own worth, Jin Guangyao a more concrete vision of it, always one step ahead, one step higher up those gilded stairs. Both of them are willing to excuse a whole lot to reach it, too.
And when Jin Guangyao finally stands in Koi Tower, properly this time, wearing that coveted golden peony, wearing that red zhushazhi and a much nicer version of the hat his mother always told him to wear, but also wearing the wrong fucking name, one that barely gives him a spot in the family he belongs to by blood?
All he needs to do is take one look in the mirror to see Meng Yao staring back, always there with him, always ready to remind him where he came from. He’s seventeen years old, and he just buried his mother, and somewhere out there, the rest of his life awaits. His smile is all dimples, and that, too, they have in common.
Time to get to work, Meng Yao suggests, and Jin Guangyao agrees.
#jin guangyao#the untamed#mo dao zu shi#so this is..... a thing.#honestly I'm. i can't say that eloquence was my primary goal here#can't really even be sure WHAT the primary goal was#but this is now a thing that exists so take it off my hands I suppose#while I go make some hot chocolate and think of bunny rabbits and rainbows for a while#to cleanse my palate#Anonymous#ask#jgy#my meta
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