snowieluna

[snowieluna]

“as you get older, you realize that you’re not always right and there’s so many things you could’ve handled better, so many situations where you could’ve been kinder and all you can really do is forgive yourself and let your mistakes make you a better person.”

— Unknown

[snowieluna]

If we find another winter con, I think it could be fun to do a Yuki Onna outfit ❄️ A kimono with white and maybe pale blue. Wondering if a black wig would look good for contrast, or just go with white, silver, or blue. Snowflake earrings and hair charm.

#yuki onna #text

[snowieluna]

new reaction image

[snowieluna]

i made your favorite dish. i made you something you’ve never tried before. i love you. i spent twenty minutes chopping. my grandmother made this for me when i was little. i made this dairy free for you. i love you. i want to eat together. the onions made me cry. i love you. i learned this recipe for you. i love you. i made this special for your birthday. i love you. i know you don’t like peppers. i love you. i love you. i love you.

[snowieluna]

Can we quit believing that people don’t care, when they can’t read our minds? What I mean are things like thinking if someone really cared about you, they’d be able to tell you were having a hard time or you wouldn’t need to tell them what you need. Those ideas aren’t fair to them, or to you. Expecting loved ones to read your mind 24/7 isn’t reasonable. Please don’t judge your loved ones by how they react to you needing support, when you haven’t clearly communicated the fact that you need that support.

[snowieluna]

something my therapist told me that personally has been rather helpful is that coping skills are not to make us feel better. they are to create space between u and ur feelings. they r to help u cope and do what u need to do. they are not meant to resolve ur negative feelings. if they do, that's a bonus. but if they don't, that's ok. learning that honestly helped so much. i'm such a perfectionist that i can't even cope if it's not gonna be perfect and this like took a weight off my shoulders. if i use a coping skill and don't feel better, that's ok. i am simply trying to distance myself from my emotion. i felt like i wasn't coping correctly before i learned this. like maybe i was doing something wrong or there was just something wrong with me.

[snowieluna]

[snowieluna]

hey, I know these are just words on your screen, but I really want you to know that everything is going to be okay. life is weird, brains are weird, and it seems like everything is just overwhelming. all the time.

no matter how hectic things get around you, I know that you'll be okay. things will get easier, and all of these things stressing you out will be so much easier to manage as time goes on. you're capable of pushing through any hurdles you might face because I know you've already made it to the point you are at today, and even though everyone acts like living day to day is easy, I know that it's incredibly difficult to do.

take things easy, you are loved, and everything is going to be all right

[snowieluna]

I had the worst dream earlier when I took a nap. I think it might be related to real life stuff:

- Reading some omegaverse fics. But the last have had mpreg involved. One had a miscarriage and dealt with the grief, trying to conceive again, the panic of what if it happens again, and post partum depression.

- One lady at work had her baby like a week ago. And another coworker is finally starting to obviously show.

- Ovulation time is here and the ache for a baby is a lot right now.

So I've had a decent amount of dreams related to pregnancy because of my weird fixation on it. In this one, I was almost full term, but not really big. But I suddenly had a memory I guess of a previous dream world where I had given birth and had a full panic of what the fuck I've neglected them. How the fuck can I forget they exist. So I'm digging through the mess of my room. I'm finding congrats cards and messages, when I find a small basket. I don't understand why it's filled with liquid, but I lift a lid off of it, and there's a baby submerged. Their eyes are closed. There's a smell and some small flies.

I guess I shrieked or something because parents come in. I'm on the floor crying and hyperventilating, saying I'm horrible, how could I do this, I'm a bad mother, I'm going to jail for neglect. I guess one of them lift the baby up, and they're so limp.

There's a small time skip, and Dad's digging in the yard. That the baby will be buried near Neville. I'm still panicking.

When I woke up I felt sick. Like I know it's not real, but I feel so bad about it. That I felt such fear over what others would think and having to go to jail. Disgust at myself for somehow forgetting a baby and letting them die. That they were helpless and I completely failed them.

The thing is, I keep feeling like I've had dreams like that before where I've somehow misplaced a baby or forgot about them. Like they're just dolls.

#text #dreams #tw death #tw infant death

[snowieluna]

Dude I'm having one of those mornings. Like I should shower, but my energy and motivation levels are down. Same for feeling hungry. Work has been so slow lately and also feels like a waste. We're done so early with prescriptions unless any come trickling in late. I just wanna roll back over and not move. My lower back hurts like in a cramping way. Maybe triggered by ovulation coming up?

I did research on some of the drugs we're exposed to, and safety methods to protect us as workers. Kinda conflicted between going "Hey I have some concerns and here are some pages I read up on" or just leaving it and letting others in Filling know which drugs we should just watch out for. I wanna finish looking for SDS for my list before I bring up anything.

I'm also getting annoyed more easily again. Like yesterday one coworker was barely working and just standing there talking for like twenty minutes. I had to go outside to the shed before I said something. Same with this one pharmacist across the street who's always complaining she's tired or she has a headache or it's cold, and she has the most obnoxious yawn. And I'm getting frustrated and avoidant with messages and group chats. Seeing them is getting overwhelming and I keep avoiding opening them. My social energy is so low right now and it sucks.

I'm gonna end up just using wipes and maybe washing my face. It feels gross and insufficient, but I'm trying to tell myself that half assing is better than no assing it. So thankful tomorrow is my Wednesday off.

#text

[snowieluna]

New Crow Time 🐦‍⬛🦊🌟

[snowieluna]

don't give up

[snowieluna]

The extreme attachment isn't there, but oof Work Crush is cute. He was playing with his hair a lot, saying it felt tangled, and we ended up talking about it. He liked how I did mine this time. It's purple fading into pink. Talked about me bleaching it, him maybe trying extensions or braiding or cutting it soon. And I was really trying not to go into flirt mode, but I was still like "nooooo the long hair looks good!" And I said maybe red, blue, or purple extensions would be good. He's considering red. Dude I still really want to play with it and tug on it. It looks so soft. The thirst is still alive and well 😩 He's gotta know I have a thing for his hair by now 😭

#text

[snowieluna]

Now that I remembered "favourite people" being a thing, I'm kinda going through the list of who I've focused a bunch on and got super attached to. Not even gonna bother with initials.

Mom, Sal, Michael, Danny R, Katie, Jonathan R, Kaila, Gregg, Steve C, John, Brandon, Steve R, Ray, Jay, Malcolm, Chris, Alex S, Yoel, Daniel, and Jordan.

Like looking back, most of these were weirdly intense crushes. Or at least I had very dramatic feelings involving them.

Mom was like my first friend and I felt like she loved me more than Dad. So anything bad happening to her triggered my berserk mode of wanting to defend her. Anything that made her disappointed in me was devastating.

I guess the wanting to defend them against weird perceived threats applies to a decent amount of them. Like "you fucked with [x]. prepare for death."

So when previous favs and current favs are at odds, it's really weird and hard to process.

Ugh. I'm falling asleep while typing. Time for bed

#text

[snowieluna]

Random post popped up reminding me that Viibryd exists and I used to take it. The brain zaps were hell, and my doctor didn't believe that was a side effect 🙃

Life is weird. Last week I freaked out because JR is moving to the lab. Body had a "our powers combined" moment of shitty things that led to me crying in the bathroom at work, then continuing to cry at my station while trying to hide it. Period was early, I made a small mistake not cleaning the pill counter sooner, JR pointing that out triggered rejection sensitivity, and Daylight Savings seemed to be bringing on seasonal depression.

So when I found out he was going, I panicked. I got attached super quick and didn't want him to go. Also felt a little conflicted because I had decided to stay in filling rather than pursue moving to the lab partly because of him. I thought he was pretty cool and I wanted to get to know him better. But I learned that he's been wanting to move to the lab for months, and it feels shitty not being happy for him. But him leaving brought up a bunch of memories from CR leaving at the last job. How I had to go outside so I could cry in peace and try to breathe. That bad pain in your chest from being abandoned again. (Yeah dramatic brain is dramatic.)

So when I was back at my station and trying to calm down, I was failing. Because I'm partly focused on trying to breathe, trying to fill testosterone orders, and trying to not be super obvious with my current breakdown. So I'm breaking boxes from packing syringes when my brain goes to "I could cut myself with my box cutter. It could look like an accident. It might help. It'd be logical to be crying from a bad cut. And maybe I'd feel better. The pain is a little shock. And I deserve it, right? I'm a shitty friend for not being happy for him." But I pushed past the thought. And honestly later on, he kind of made me feel better. I'm not sure if he noticed that I was off, but he got me talking about music and it helped.

So onto this week. I went in, depressed that he was probably not going to be there, but he was still in filling. I heard bits of him talking to the others in Spanish, that he might be staying until our other coworker gets back from vacation. (Which tbh I kinda thought would happen. It doesn't make sense to have us down two people at night.) But he was kinda in an off mood, besides me still being in depression mode, so the vibes have been weird.

Now another coworker from the day shift has moved to nights, so that helps with us being short. So now JR is gonna start lab stuff on Friday. I've been trying to be less reliant on him this week. Bugging him less for help. A different coworker from the day shift joked that I should be asking JR for help when I couldn't reach something today, and I kinda shot back "Well he's leaving me, so..." So later on when I carried a bunch of meds downstairs, he was like "Hey! You're good. You don't even need me." It still kinda hurt, like no dude, I'm still gonna miss you.

Finally got the courage to be like "So I've had something I wanted to ask, but I didn't want to freak you out." Cue our coworker popping back up to drop off the pill counter. Yo my heart was pounding. Like damn I've been psyching myself the past ten minutes 😭 After she went back downstairs, I continued. "So you remember I said I was in an open relationship? Well, is that something you'd be interested in?" And he said right now, no, but it's nothing he'd freak out about. I said something like "That's fine. I had to ask, though. You're really cute." 🙈 He said he appreciated the directness, and we both agreed that signals are hard to read. He seemed a tiny bit flustered after, but we went to visit the pharmacist's bulldog downstairs. Then I babbled about cosplay, and it felt comfortable again.

Like obviously I'm bummed I won't get to do anything with him. Hell, he accidentally flicked me with his hair earlier when he turned quick and I was more like 😳 than annoyed I got hit in the face. He's still gonna give me the doki dokis tomorrow, but I'm glad I got to ask, and not keep thinking "what if." Plus he knows how I feel and if he changes his mind, I'm here 😆

So I guess that's the end of that? I'm hoping we still get to catch up more on breaks sometimes.

#text #work crush

[snowieluna]

You're not embarassing. Not every mistake you make is embarassing, not everything you said was embarassing, you're fine. You're just overthinking / self loathing. No one cares.

[snowieluna]

anyone who thinks i’m a good person is actually a victim of my manipulation