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mishacollinsthighsss · 1 year

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Destiel Drabble (~2,1k)

Dean/Castiel, fluff, post 15x18, human Cas, no sex but they definitely make out hard

Beta'd by @pattywinchester thank you so much, you really helped me a lot there! 💙

“Cas, you comin’?” Dean called out on his way to the Dean Cave, as he liked to call it. When he heard a door slam, he couldn't contain his smile. Since they’d kissed two days ago, Cas was spending as much time with Dean as possible. They hadn’t talked about it yet, much less kissed again, hell, they hadn’t even touched since then and Dean was getting impatient. The only reaction Dean had gotten after he’d finally gotten up the nerve to go through with it was a shy - and very cute - smile and a blush. After that, Cas had disappeared into his room and hadn’t come out again for several hours. When he’d joined them later in the kitchen, he’d acted like nothing had happened, and Dean was fed up.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas muttered as he stepped into the room, a tiny smile on his lips and God, Dean wanted to kiss him again, but he held himself back.

“There you are. Hey, thought a horror movie would be cool; you okay with that?”

Dean knew how easy it was to scare Cas these days, probably because he wasn’t able to regulate his emotions as well now that he was human and that’s exactly why Dean chose that movie. Cas looked confused for a moment, but then he gave a quick nod as he got comfortable on the couch, seating himself as far away from Dean as possible. Doubt started to set in once again. He wondered if Cas hadn’t been into the kiss and had just been too polite to reject him outright, but Dean shoved those thoughts away quickly. There’d been way too much tension between them over the years and Dean wasn’t completely crazy. At least he didn't think so.

“I’ve never known you to watch a horror movie before,” Cas said as Dean picked up the remote, looking at him curiously and it took Dean everything to hold back a grin.

“Hey, they’re great, alright? Best part about them? The monster always gets their ass kicked in the end. Now watch.”

Dean pointed to the TV with the remote before he put it down and got up to dim the lights. As he sat down again he made sure to sit a little closer to Cas, hoping that the other man would seek comfort at one point or another.

The first half of the movie was relatively boring and Dean caught himself almost falling asleep a couple of times, but when he heard the first quiet gasp from Cas beside him, he was suddenly wide awake.

“You okay there, buddy?” he asked innocently, turning his head just in time to see Cas nod. His eyes dropped down and his smile turned into a grin when he saw that Cas had been reaching out to him, but he’d missed his arm by an inch or two and had grabbed the upholstery of the couch instead. Moving slowly, Dean shook out his arm, before he put his hand right on top of Cas’, just for a second, but it was long enough for Cas to look at him.

“If you - if you’re too scared, we can just watch somethin’ else, no big deal. Or you could - y’know,” he muttered as he lifted his arms in Cas’ direction, hoping the dimmed lighting was enough to hide his blush. Without a single word, Cas moved closer and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, hiding his face halfway into his chest. Dean’s heart did a little flip because although he’d been hoping for this, he hadn’t exactly expected it. Still, he carefully wrapped his arms around Cas’ shoulders and pulled him just a little closer.

“You sure you wanna finish this?” Dean asked after a couple more minutes of Cas gasping and twitching. Instead of answering, Cas just lifted one of his hands and gestured for Dean to be silent. As a result, he tried to actually concentrate on the movie - which, in hindsight, was pretty scary, especially if you hadn’t watched horror movies before - but he quickly realized that watching Cas was much more entertaining. Every little twitch made him pull the other man just a little closer and every time Cas turned his face into Dean’s chest because he knew something scary was coming, it made Dean smile like a goddamn teenage girl.

It felt odd, cuddling with a man, but not as scary as Dean had thought it would be. It was actually quite nice. He had to hold back a chuckle as he thought about how he’d freaked out a couple months ago when Charlie had accused him of not being straight because at the time, Dean was locking away his feelings for Cas somewhere deep inside. He’d wanted nothing to do with it. Now though, now he knew what he wanted and why he’d been so messed up over the years whenever something had happened to Cas. Now he knew that he’d never let anything happen to him again.

“Dean?” Dean blinked a couple of times as he heard Cas’ voice, just then noticing that he’d absentmindedly started to brush his fingers through the other man’s hair. His hand froze, but he didn’t pull it away as he lowered his head to look into Cas’ eyes.

“Sorry, I was somewhere else with my thoughts. You want me to stop?”

Cas blinked once, twice, before he shook his head slowly, his gaze fixed on Dean. The other man’s lips parted in surprise because of whatever the hell he was seeing in Dean’s eyes.

“You good, Cas? Feelin’ okay?” the hunter asked then because hell, if he wanted this to work then he had to actually work for it. Cas swallowed and his eyebrows drew together in confusion, but he nodded, yes.

“Are you alright?” Cas asked, the movie apparently completely forgotten. Dean felt his cheeks heat up.

“I’m just peachy, Cas,” he answered honestly, his voice a little rougher than usual. He could feel his heartbeat increasing as his brain reminded him that now was the perfect time but for a moment, he considered pointing to the TV to signal to Cas to keep watching, but he quickly pushed that thought away.

“Cas, we - we gotta talk about somethin’ ” He started and Cas slowly sat up, his eyes not leaving Dean’s once.

“You sound like you did that time you told me I couldn’t stay at the bunker,” Cas responded warily and yeah, okay, Dean should’ve thought about that.

“No, it’s nothing like that, I promise. It’s just… the - the kiss, y’know…” Dean trailed off and suddenly Cas’ expression changed into something harder.

“Dean, if you want to tell me that it didn’t mean anything to you, I totally understand.”

Wait. What? Blinking a couple of times Dean stared at Cas, trying to understand how Cas could even think that. Fortunately (or not), he was reminded of all the times he’d shown any kind of affection, just to act like a dick right after and Cas’ reaction made sense.

“No, Cas! No, I wanted to - y’know, you didn’t say anything after and just disappeared and when you came back you acted like nothing happened so I didn’t wanna push you, but it’s been two days now and - “

“Wait, so you… don’t… regret that you kissed me?” Cas asked, his eyes all squinty. Dean wanted to pull this man into a kiss and never let him go again. Instead, he cupped Cas’ face with both hands, pulling him close enough that they were breathing the same air.

“I’d never regret kissing you, Cas. In fact, I’d love to do it again right now if you’re okay with - “ Dean was unable to finish his sentence before Cas’ lips were pressed against his. The second the shock wore off, his eyes fell shut as a sigh escaped him. All of the tension in his body left him then and Dean kissed back, and the world suddenly stood still.

He was kissing Cas. Again. Cas wanted this just as much as he did.

The realization hit him so hard he couldn’t contain his smile and Cas was smiling right back, their teeth clicking together. Cas was the first to break the kiss as he started to giggle and Dean was so happy he joined right in.

“Jeez Cas, I'm trying to kiss you here,” Dean forced out between fits of giggles, which made Cas laugh even more. It felt like hours until Dean was able to breathe again but when he did, he couldn’t stop staring. Cas had fallen back against the couch, still snickering from time to time - it was the first time Dean saw him like this and he swore to himself to make Cas laugh like this at least once a day from now on. As Cas calmed down as well, he sat up and gently cupped Dean’s face with his hands.

“I was scared you didn’t mean it, that’s why I didn’t say anything. I was scared I would ruin our relationship,” he muttered sincerely, while his thumbs brushed back and forth against Dean’s cheeks. Dean cupped Cas’ hands with his own then, before leaning in for another kiss. Cas was on board right away and this time, they managed to kiss properly. Dean could feel Cas’ hot breath ghosting over his lips and before he knew it, he was teasing the seam of the other man’s lips with his tongue. Cas opened willingly, letting Dean in with a sigh as his grip on his face tightened, pulling Dean with him as he lay down on the couch. A happy little noise escaped Dean’s lips as he made himself comfortable, straddling Cas’ hips.

“Does this mean we - we’re dating?” the former angel asked into the kiss, forcing Dean to bark out a laugh.

“Yeah, Cas, if you wanna,” he murmured, watching with satisfaction as Cas nodded right away. God, Dean didn’t know how he’d managed to stay away from Cas for as long as he had. Leaning down again he captured the other’s bottom lip with his teeth and pulled, eliciting a delicious moan from Cas.

“Dean,” he groaned as his hands moved from Dean's face down his chest, before they settled on his hips. Dean held back a shiver as Cas pulled him close, because holy shit, Cas was just as turned on as he was.

“Cas, not to break the moment, but - “

“Can you please shut up for once,” Cas interrupted, his voice breathy, before he lifted his head to kiss him once again. Dean groaned, unable to do anything other than give Cas what he wanted, and -

“Guys? Oh! Oh, God, sorry, Jesus,” Sam interrupted. Dean heard the door squeaking, but he chose to ignore it. He was feeling way too good to stop now and judging by how Cas’ hands wandered from Dean’s hips to his ass, he didnt wanna stop either.

Sadly, Sam didn’t get the memo and cleared his throat.

“Hey, I’m going for a grocery run, you need anything?” he asked, his voice laced with embarrassment and Dean let out a sigh.

“No. You done? Go away, Sammy,” he muttered, not even lifting his head to look at his brother, but apparently, Sam wasn’t done.

“I - I’m happy for you guys. Just wanted you to know that,” his little brother said hesitantly after a couple of moments of silence. Cas groaned as well and Dean took a pillow and threw it in the general direction of Sam’s voice, just as Cas’ hand started to move from his ass to his crotch. He had to fight hard to hold in a groan as the other man’s hand hesitantly cupped the bulge through his pants, but his hips bucked forward nevertheless.

“Jeez, alright, I’m going,” Sam said and Dean could practically hear his eye roll. The door squeaked once again and just when Dean thought they could continue for real, Cas sat up in one fluid movement, almost throwing Dean off the couch.

“Peanut butter!” he exclaimed with an apologetic look even though he was hard as a rock at this point.

“It’s alright, go,” he said softly, signaling him with his hand to go after Sam and Cas jumped up quickly. After a moment of thought, he turned and leaned down to press a quick kiss to Dean’s lips, his eyes all dark and glassy.

“In my room in five minutes,” he rasped, before he turned around and followed Sam. Dean just stared after him, wondering if he should be frustrated or not, but the situation was so unbelievable that he started to laugh. Slowly, he got up and fixed his hair with his hands as he headed down the hallway, suppressing a shiver when he remembered Cas’ words.

Dean had no idea what to expect, but he sure as hell wouldn’t let this chance slide. With a stupid grin on his face he opened the door to Cas’ room and stepped in, knowing that from now on things would be different, but for once, he was okay with that.

***

Tag list (lmk if you wanna be added/removed):

@sam--ships--it @green-blue-heller @professorerudite @fallenangelsera @jmlovers @spnmrvlshrlck @melly-the-crazy-coconut @thebluelynxx @lulu-zodiac @bigartpuppy @greenpugmire @supernatural4life2022 @carrythatwayt @charliesfandomlife

#dean winchester #castiel #destiel #destiel fanfiction #destiel fanfic #destiel fic #deancas #deancas fanfiction #deancas fanfic #deancas fic

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swordofsun · 1 year

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I posted 3,394 times in 2022

That's 2,656 more posts than 2021!

153 posts created (5%)

3,241 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@sidewalk-scrawls

@deanandkastiel

@jewishdeanwinchester

@aceofthegreenajah

@thycatsays

I tagged 1,745 of my posts in 2022

Only 49% of my posts had no tags

#wheel of time - 226 posts

#wot book spoilers - 136 posts

#the boys - 104 posts

#the boys spoilers - 88 posts

#wot on prime - 80 posts

#spnwin - 57 posts

#stranger things - 42 posts

#the winchesters - 38 posts

#the magnus archives - 36 posts

#leverage - 35 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#then dean and cas talked about his deal with the empty and carefully held hands as we closed on them starting to research how to fix things

My Top Posts in 2022:

There should be one of those reblog game things where we just say The most fucked up scene from Animorphs that still lives in our heads. Occasionally coming out to remind you that those books were Fucked Up.

Mine would be the time Marco almost got stuck as a flea and only managed to partially de-morph so he was a human sized flea and Cassie had to gently hold giant flea Marco and talk him through his panic attack so he could finish de-morphing.

139 notes - Posted February 4, 2022

Okay, @wigglebox wanted me to post this over here and they would follow up with their bonkers dutch angles stuff.

This is a "what the fuck is Dean doing in The Winchesters" theory. It takes Chuck Won as a given and is based on how insanely meta s15 was on top of the show being meta a fuck + the SPNWIN preview and the couple of scenes of tv static + Cas literally being narrative breaking + general vibes.

At some point after the end of 15x18 and the beginning of 15x20 Dean literally stepped out of the narrative. What we're seeing is Chuck's POV. This is the ending he wanted, the ending we never really got to see but that Becky hated so damn much. (Becky the audience insert that is given an absolutely lovely life to show how much the show cares for it's audience.) The Dean we see is a Chuck puppet or illusion of some sort.

Chuck may not have realized Dean stepped out of the narrative.

The real Dean, The True Dean, is off to the side. Just out of sight of the camera, watching it all go down. He can't effect anything because Sam and other Dean (if there even is an Other Dean) just go through the motions. Even more disturbing if it's like in Heaven when someone steps out of the memory and everyone else just continues on like they're there. There's no pie, no one on the piece of rebar, just Sam reacting as if there was. No one driving the Impala, just Chuck controlling everything.

Cas was literally narrative breaking. He didn't do what Chuck wanted and, through the power of love (an actual thing in SPN), Dean is able to make that step too. Just off camera where we can't see him watching.

So the Dean that we see in the SPNWIN preview is searching for the point where the narrative started. He's going back over his parent's story to figure out just when Chuck started actively taking an meddling role. With the end result a Cas rescue from the Empty and actually defeating Chuck.

(And possible AU where we get to see Mary and John without heaven's influence?)

139 notes - Posted July 13, 2022

Sometimes it still amazes me that Stellar Firma really said:

Some people can be so bought into the system that even when they acknowledge the problems they will refuse to admit the system is at fault (Enola)

Even the most die-hard of revolutionaries can get lost when shown the decadence of the ruling class (David 7)

The most morally corrupt person you know can learn empathy and take up the fight (Trexel)

The only ethical solution to end-stage capitalism is to put everyone in the escape pods and hit the self-destruct button

That was a show.

202 notes - Posted April 25, 2022

The important thing to remember about Rand al'Thor is that when he doesn't know what to do next he consults the prophecies that have been written about him for guidance.

The next important thing to remember is that while he's a giant nerd he's not classically trained so he'll jump to some wild ass conclusions.

The final thing to remember is that because he's Rand al'Thor he'll almost always be right about those conclusions.

272 notes - Posted July 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Yes, Harvey Dent is a Good Guy. That's part of his whole thing. He was Bruce Wayne's best friend and possibly the only honest DA in Gotham. He did good things and was a nice and honest person.

He's not Two Face yet! And even when he does become Two Face he's still a good guy approximately 50% of the time. That's where the coin flipping comes in. This is why Two Face is such an iconic villian and why you need a really great character actor foe the role. Once Harvey becomes Two Face the actor is essentially playing Two characters.

I'm so excited to see Misha sink his teeth into this role.

872 notes - Posted May 31, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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hellertoni · 2 years

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"If You Want Love" A Destiel Fix It

Rating: Mature

Categories: M/M, W/W, W/M

Chapters: 3 Published, 9 written

Part 2 of “The Happy Ending They (and we) Deserve

Read Part 1 “Hunter with a Shotgun”

TW: possible talk about past childhood abuse and homophobia

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Fic Summary: What is one supposed to do after defeating God, bringing your best friend back to life (again) and confessed your love for him, resurrecting half of your family, AND gaining 2 sons with an almost 25 year age gap between them?

Well, that's what Dean Winchester is trying to figure out. He feels himself being pulled in different directions, and he's scared he's going to be pulled apart at the seams. He feels the need to continue with the family business and help Sam with his dream, the Hunters Network. But a part of him, and that part grows bigger and louder each day, wants something completely new and different.

He has something he never dared to even allow himself to dream-a family of his own. Ben is here and ready to be a family. He understood why Dean wiped his memory and doesn't hold it against him because he did it to save them, and he knows how hard it was. Then there's Jack, the 3-year-old ball of energy that's living his best life. He's a handful, but Dean cherishes every chaotic moment.

And then there was him. His angel that had, quite literally, fallen for him.

"Cas"

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Series Summary: Picking up right after 15X18 we watch the events of 15x19 and 15x20 happen, but in a way that makes more sense and leads to Dean pulling his head out of his you know what and going to save his angel. Part 1 is angsty with a little fluff but is complete. Part 2 is a disgusting amount of fluff with only mild angst, mostly in the form of everyone working on their trauma.

Join me as we see our favorite characters finally get the happy ending they ALL deserve. Not just the TFW 2.0, but the characters that were long forgotten.

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Series Notes: I have literally never written anything for fun before, but the finale was so bad and made the show unwatchable. So I decided to fix it. What started out as an idea for a 10-15 1 story fic turned into a multi part series, with part 1 being 39 chapters long.

Follow me on Tumblr (HellerToni), Twitter (HellerToni67) for updates on this and upcoming fanfics, and TikTok (HellerToni) for Destiel ( and Buddie, & more) edits.

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Castiel/Dean Winchester | Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester | Donna Hanscum/Jody Mills | Winchester | Jo/Charlie

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KEEP READING ON AO3

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notdeadyetnatural · 3 years

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Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) destiel in 2:35 minutes!!!!!!!!!

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writtenmemxries · 4 years

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It’s not different, Sam.

15x18 coda, based on this post by @foodiestiel

[spoilers, angst, 902 words]

It had been three days since the whole world was wiped out. It had been three days since the bunker had become emptier.

Sam, Dean and Jack were at a dead end. Surrounded by nothing but silence, they didn’t know what to do. They had searched every book, searched everywhere, but it was God they were fighting against. God Himself. And Dean... Dean was losing hope.

He hadn’t slept for three days. His brain throbbed insistently in his skull, begging him to go to sleep, to rest, to close his eyes, even if for a brief moment. But he couldn’t.

The first night, he spent it surrounded by bottles of liquor. It didn’t matter whether it was good or absolute rubbish, it just had to be strong. And it was, but not enough. Not enough to make him forget everything, not enough to put him to sleep without having nightmares so frightening and vivid that he woke up with a start everytime. And Castiel was no longer there to make them disappear. To watch over him.

The second night, he spent it surrounded by books. The dim light of the bunker library would have made anyone fall asleep peacefully, but not him. Not him, who was desperately looking for answers, for a solution. He had never believed that a happy ending was possible for them, but deep inside him he had never stopped looking for something that could make it attainable. And he needed it, now more than ever. A win.

His eyes saw black goo everywhere. Shiny, slimy, sticky. It looked like ectoplasm, but actually, it was nothing. It was a black hole, taking away the light; it was a dementor, sucking in happiness. It was emptiness. And no matter how hard Dean tried, he couldn’t think of anything else, he couldn’t see anything else, he couldn’t feel anything else. Nothingness filled him, swallowing him from within, devouring him alive.

He felt hapless, hopeless, helpless. He felt like he had lost. They were alone, with no one by their side. Without Jack’s powers, without Eileen, without... without Cas. There was no one left in the entire universe. They had lost.

But Sam, oh, clever little Sammy, who could see the good in everything, who could still hold on to a thread of hope, maybe an illusion, perhaps a folly, could not give up. Not after Eileen. Not again.

He had an almost feverish excitement as he leafed through the pages of those big, dusty books, as he agitatedly explained to Dean that there was still a chance, that there was always a possibility.

But Dean didn’t feel it. Not really.

“Dean, we can still do it,” he told him. “We have to keep fighting, like we always have.”

Dean looked at him but didn’t see him. Not really. He looked into his hazel eyes and saw black. He saw black all around, he was suffocating, he was sinking. He was lost.

“Why, Sammy? There’s no one left to fight for,” he said quietly, shattered. He could hear his own voice distant, like a buzz, as if his head was underwater, as if he were in a bubble of despair that was impossible to pop.

“No no no, Dean, there’s Donna, and Charlie, and- and Bobby, and-”

“They’re gone, Sam. We have no idea where they are. Chuck- Chuck wiped them out, one by one,” Dean interrupted him, raising his voice.

The anger was always there, always had been. Drowsy but ready to explode, always on the edge. And he wanted it to explode, he was looking for a pretext that would make him erupt, that would make him feel alive again, feel there, present.

“So what are you gonna do, give up? Let Chuck triumph?” Sam asked, eyes wide with horror, fear, gloom.

“Chuck has already won, Sam! We never had a single chance against him, ever! It was always his plan, from the beginning!” Dean shouted, standing up from the table. He glanced at the books, open, useless, full of words he read but didn’t understand.

Sam shook his head. “No. I don’t- I lost Eileen, Dean. Eileen! Again!” he exclaimed angrily.

“And I lost Cas!”

“I lost him, too, Dean, and Jack lost him, but that’s- that’s different!”

Dean looked at him. “No, it’s not,” he said in a whisper. His voice was barely audible, broken, full of misery, of desperation. Of realisation.

“It’s not different, Sam. It’s the same fucking thing! You lost Eileen, I lost Cas,” he continued in a shaky voice. He dropped into his chair. “I lost Cas and I- I didn’t tell him- I couldn’t-” he repeated to himself. He closed his eyes to prevent the tears from falling, shaking his head slightly.

He took a deep breath. “You know what’s different? Eileen knew you loved her. Cas didn’t. Cas thought- he thought he couldn’t have it. That son of a bitch thought that I-” His voice broke. His lips were trembling, his hands were shaking. He couldn’t look his brother in the eye.

Sam swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. He tried to speak, but he didn’t know what to say. Instead, he picked up another book and started reading again.

He wouldn’t stop fighting. For himself, for Dean. For all the people they had lost. For the whole world, for their world. For Cas, and for Eileen.

· tags under the cut, ask to be added or removed ·

@rambleoncas @chaoticdean @winchester-novak @randomblabbling @seffersonjtarship @professorerudite @queen-rowenas

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quillquiver · 4 years

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DeanCas 15x18 Coda: Despair

Do you know what I never thought I’d write? A coda after DeanCas goes canon.

It’s quiet.

The phone buzzes—it buzzes incessantly, it never stops buzzing—but the only thing that really registers is quiet. Absolute. Endless. The kind of quiet six feet under the ground or drifting, untethered, 500 million miles above the Earth. It presses down on his lungs and bunches up in his throat, wraps around him like a never-ending rope when he buries his face in his knees and breathes.

Because the one thing I want—I know it’s something I can’t have.

Breathes.

You are the most loving, selfless human being I will ever know.

Breathes.

I love you.

Dean’s chest feels tight, his heart contracting into a fist and pulling his bones with it until he feels like a black hole, or a neutron star. He digs the heels of his hand into his eyes until he sees spots. Clenches his jaw until it hurts. Billy’s gone—somewhere; obliviated, dragged to hell, on vacation, it doesn’t fucking matter—and the phone keeps ringing and it’s quiet and quiet and quiet—

Dean throws the damn thing clean across the room.

He doesn’t check to see if it explodes into a million little pieces or stays intact, doesn’t pay any more attention to the buzzing than he did thirty seconds ago. The last fifteen years are playing their greatest hits before his eyes and he thinks maybe he’s going to die, too. That maybe he’s having a heart attack. Chest pressure is sign of a heart attack, isn’t it?

Dean bites his lip. Swallows the lump in his throat.

He didn’t even—he didn’t get to…

Cas was wrong.

Because they’d had an agreement, Dean thought, that they both knew that feelings were for other people. That they were aware of the maybe-probably-something there but collectively, rightly and safely decided to ignore it. But—

But Cas hadn’t known.

No, Cas had thought it was one-sided. He’d thought it impossible. Absently, Dean’s fingers drift across his own lips. How long? Months? Years? No one with that much capacity for love fucks feelings up this bad. He’d gripped Dean’s shoulder and Dean hadn’t even been able to—

Dean grinds his teeth.

Selfless. Loving.

He scoffs. Who kicked Cas out of the Bunker, newly human and so excited by the prospect of starting a mortal life? Who let him leave after Mom died? Who blamed him for shit he did and didn’t do, all because he was an easy target, all because of his capacity for love, for forgiveness?

People who are loving and selfless don’t act like that.

There’s something squeezing at his insides and Dean isn’t sure if he’s going to keep crying or be sick. He catches the handprint out of the corner of his eye and eyes the chair in the middle of the room and thinks maybe it’s both, but it’s probably neither.

I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you.

This emotion? This one Dean knows.

His fingers wrap around metal and he lifts the chair above his head, bringing it how with all the strength he possesses. When it ricochets of the floor lands largely unscathed, he glares at the opposite end of the room. Stalking up to the concrete wall, he pounds against it with his fist, once. Twice. Three, four, five times, until his face is red and wet and his chest is heaving from yelling. “Stupid son of a bitch!” he spits. “Come back—Cas?! Cas, come—fucking goo-ass fucking freak BRING HIM BACK!”

His fists are bloody when he finally exhausts himself, slumping on the floor with a pitiful sob. “Bring him back,” he whispers, forehead pressed against the floor. “…Please, bring him back.”

He doesn’t know how long he stays there, tensed to hell, lips parting around words he still, after everything, after everything, can’t say. “I—Cas, I—” He pushes his skull against the concrete. Slams his stinging fists against the floor again. Wipes his eyes on his clean sleeve. I love you, he thinks fiercely. You got your ears on, Cas? You listening? I love you.

He holds his breath.

But the Empty doesn’t explode from the wall in a blinding rage and Cas doesn’t flap in behind him.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Dean forces himself to his knees. He aches all over, but he watches the wall like it’ll open back up and take him, too. He eyes his quiet, busted up phone and the red smears on the floor. They’re darker over the devil’s trap.

Dean sprints for the archives.

“Book of the Damned,” he mutters. “Book of the Damned, Book of the Damned… where the hell’d you put it, Sammy—” They’d hidden it. Where had they hidden it? Weaving in and out of the shelves, Dean exhausts the archive room before moving to object storage. “C’mon c’mon c’mon…”

When that turns up short, he runs for his phone. “Sam—”

“Dean? What the hell, man! I’ve been trying to call you! Listen—”

“Sam; the Book of the Damned: where is it?”

“What? Dean—”

“Now, Sam!”

“I had put it in the secret cupboard in the archives. But Dean—”

Dean’s relief is palpable.

“Billie’s gone,” he says quickly. “Chuck was the one who pulled the disappearing act. Cas—” he feels his eyes prickling. “Doesn’t matter about Cas. I’m getting him back. Come home.”

“Wait—”

By the time Dean’s hung up he’s jimmying open the cupboard. He pushes all the other crap off the big reading table and tosses his phone onto it, heaving the tome open. “Okay,” he breathes. “Okay, Cas.

“Let’s trap us a cosmic entity.”

#destiel fic #deancas fic #destiel coda #coda fic #15x18 coda #angst #adventures in fanfic

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misha-moose-dean-burger-lover · 4 years

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dedicated to @quicksilver-ships <3 SPN 15x18 coda, tfw 2.0 angst.

Jack's waiting in the corridor when Dean exits room 7B, followed by an exhausted looking Sam. Dean knows he looks like shit too — and it's confirmed when Jack's face falls even harder on seeing him.

"Dean."

He sounds terrified.

"Hey, kid." Dean's mouth twists in a grimace. He's about to excuse himself — or try to anyways, since Sam probably wouldn't take too kindly to Dean fleeing to the undeniable loneliness of their whiskey cabinet after about an hour of intermittent crying, and a lot of it into his brother's stupid shirt too (Dean's not proud of it either) as he told him about Cas. He'd probably try to force some grub down Dean's throat instead. Hell, maybe even let go of his shiny, new hippie handbook and fry Dean some real fucking grief bacon.

And it wouldn't really work to go against his brother at times like these. Sam always ends up (wordlessly) in charge when they lose family, and fuck, have they lost family today.

Fuck, has Dean lost everything.

"Dean, I —" Jack exchanges a look with Sam, eyes flitting up and back to Dean's, nervous as though for affirmation, and then he's stepping forward, head bowed, eyebrows netted, and he's hugging Dean.

Dean stiffens, but feels Jack's resolution crumble almost immediately, and puts his hand on the kid's back.

"It's okay." He hears himself mutter.

"I'm sorry." Jack finishes, not letting go. He's shorter, so it's not like hugging the others. It's almost like being held on to, and Jack's fists curl desperately in Dean's jacket, and his heart thuds against Dean's ribs, evoking a fierce protectiveness in the mess of bleeding fragments that once made up Dean's heart — he's his kid, and Cas's kid, and Dean's got to take care of him like he's taken care of Sammy, of course he does — and it's really, really nothing like hugging anyone else.

Dean holds him tight, closes his eyes, and lets out a shuddering breath.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Tell me what?" Dean asks blankly, the answer hitting him a fraction of a second after he hears his own words.

The blood in his veins freezes.

"You knew?"

"I'm sorry," Jack repeats, choked. He pulls away, takes a step back, and doesn't meet Dean's eyes. "I did. Castiel told me, and I'm sorry I didn't tell any of you, he made me promise, and he told me I didn't need to worry, and I —" His voice breaks. "I believed him. I'm sorry."

Dean thinks he's supposed to feel anger, but when he looks inside, all he finds is a blunt numbness. "You believed him."

"I'm really sorry." Jack cries, and Dean notices Sam's arm reaching to comfort the kid, but he stops him.

"Wait." Dean tells his brother, and turns to Jack. He knows he's wearing his iciest face, the glint in his eyes the most detached, and it's not like he means to, but he can see it scares Jack. "Why didn't you tell us?"

Jack falters.

"What is it?" Dean demands, and finally, as if in response, his anger flares. Cas is gone — gone forever — and the kid had known.

They could have fucking saved him.

"What's the real reason, Jack?" Dean shouts, and his gut screams at him to do something harsher. He has to know why Jack wouldn't tell them. The kid's hiding something even now. "I know you didn't trust shit. Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you fucking tell —"

"Dean." Sam warns, sounding pissed.

Dean couldn't care less.

"Answer me, or I fucking swear." Dean grits his teeth. "Why didn't you tell us, Jack —"

"Dean!" Sam growls, cutting him off, and angrily pushing past to get to Jack. Dean jolts back to his senses when Sam rams into his side, and stares in shock at a red-faced Jack falling to his knees, crying.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Jack begs, shaking uncontrollably as Sam tries to compose him, glaring furiously at Dean as he rubs Jack's back. "I didn't believe him, no, but I — I just didn't want —"

Dean stays rooted to the spot, his face flushed as he violently blinks back a tear.

"I didn't want you to think Castiel wasn't happy with you." Jack says, sobbing with every syllable in Sam's arms. Sonuvabitch, Dean was a horrible person. "Because you were, and I was, and he was supposed to be, and I think he pretended sometimes, and that's hurtful, and I didn't want you to feel deceived or betrayed, or hurt like I did, when I realized he was never happy with us."

If Sam's as flummoxed as Dean is, it doesn't show on his face. (How does he keep it in, Dean wonders belatedly, vexed with admiration.)

"I know you — you thought he was family, and I know you were both happy, and I just didn't want you to hurt —" Jack's voice cracks, and Sam squeezes him worriedly, at which he moves to bury himself in Sam's chest.

Dean doesn't realize when he fell to his knees either, staring at his brother and son.

Jack's words got to him — his way of seeing this, the innocence, and the childlike fear in his voice pierces through Dean's armor of rage and asshole-parenting-tendencies, and he breaks. He breaks, and he spills, and Dean finds himself guiltily eyeing his brother and the sobbing child in his arms from eye-level, before he knows what to make of it.

"I knew it was my fault," Jack's still mumbling, dazed, between loud breaths. "My fault he wasn't happy — I wasn't enough — never good enough, strong enough — he wouldn't say it, wouldn't ever say it — but he could never be happy because of me —"

"It's not you, Jack." Sam promises, wringing himself dry of sincerity in saying it. "Never been you."

"S'not you." Dean adds, voice trembling, and Sam looks up with red-rimmed eyes from a couple feet away, smile one of the saddest Dean's ever seen on him, and he gestures him closer.

Dean blinks, but he goes.

He's done being destructive, he's fucking tired of causing pain to the people he loves, and he trusts Sam — trusts him to be right, trusts him to be in control, and Sam's asking him to come closer and hug Jack, so it must help in making things right.

Dean drags himself to them, ashamed of himself.

"Cas loved you, Jack." Sam swears, steady and true, speaking over Jack's agitated muttering, and finally, Jack stops.

"He loved you very much." Sam says again, promises it, and Jack curls into himself again, crying more quietly now. Dean can't take it, and he puts his own hand on the kid's shoulder — uncertain, but braving past it when Jack flinches, and Dean exchanges a mildly reassuring glance with Sam before hugging Jack too.

Sam's voice quivers the third time he says it. "He loved all of us."

And Dean reaches for his little brother, his brave, brave little brother, and pulls him into the hug too. A tear rolls down Sam's cheek as he does the same, Jack remaining hugged between them — slowly shifting so he holds onto them both.

Sam's words ring in Dean's ears as the three of them stay, wrapped in each other's arms and safety as they mourn Castiel, Angel of the Lord, hero, and a Winchester forever. Family, until the end of time.

They echo in his hollow chest until he comes apart again.

Cas loved you. He loved you very much.

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verobatto · 4 years

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It's Always been You.

I love you

Destiel Meta. 15x18 meta.

Keeping the fire burning in our hearts, i can't believe what we just saw last night, and i have to keep screaming about this historical scene.

I wrote this meta with my friend's huge help @mrsaquaman187 , because we needed to talk more about body language. Because the scene was perfectly played by Jensen and Misha.

And i want to say thank you to my dearest friend @spnsmile because she made amazing gifs for this analysis. Love you girl!

Before start this meta, i want you to read a meta i wrote two years ago, and i want to share it again with you today.

Break the jar and do it again. The slow construction of Destiel Canon

Okay, now, let's start this journey...

Castiel's honesty at his purest form

I will analyze word by word, because this is historical, as I said before. So, let's rewatch the scene together, the scene in which Castiel released himself, and allowed for the first time, to be happy. (I want my angel back 😭).

“I always wondered, ever since I took that that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what...what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want...it's something I know I can't have."

Well, my friends, as I yelled in my Destiel meta you can find here, is canon now that Castiel was wondering what would it be to have Dean not just as a friend, but as a lover, and I'm.... Okay. (Internally screaming).

And damn @weird-dorky-little-deana and her post here in which I screamed again, this is it, my friends. Is perfect. Because is all along what I was suspecting... Remember 14x09, Pamela represented Dean's fem side, Dean's subconscious, so, in conclusion, Pamela was Dean talking to himself and saying :YOU WANT WHAT YOU CAN'T HAVE. Is because Dean thought CAS didn't love him back, and Cas saying he can't have Dean is a huge parallel because it shows the way it was constructed. Both men thinking they can't have each other. Is perfect and angsty and so romantic.

"But I think i know...I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.”

This is such a deep thought and it talks about Castiel's maturity of character. He understood once for all, that loving Dean Winchester, feeling what he feels for him, and expressing that to Dean, is his true happiness. Because...

METATRON: "(...) You draped yourself in the flag of Heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human. Right?"

Dean didn't know it

Dean: “What are you talking about, man?”

Dean's question shows us he didn't know what Cas was trying to say, he didn't know Cas was about to confess his love for him, he didn't know Castiel loves him back the same way Dean loves him.

Cas: “I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're...you're 'Daddy's Blunt Instrument.' And you think hate and anger, that's...that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it.

I just have to put everything in red because, OMG, people, this is Cas in the barn all over again but after 11 years of being with him and truly sees through him, and this is Cas in the golden room:

CASTIEL: What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion.

This time answering himself, this time, healing all the weight and the pain Dean could carry inside. Because Dean deserves to be saved. That's why Cas gave his life again for him.

Even now, with Billie outside saying IT AS ALWAYS BEEN YOU, and naming him like the rebel, Cas rewords all of that, and shows Dean why he is all of that, because he is GOOD.

Oh Lord, okay, everytime I see Cas smiling and saying those words i have to repress my tears, but...

"Since Castiel laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!"

No, sister, he was found.

Castiel is rewording each bad comment or mocking angels had done based on his romantic love for Dean, he is saying , yes since I met you in Hell, i was found, you changed me, I fell for you. Damn... Dean go get back this angel because I swear...

But now, i want to share with you my friend reading about their body language on this scene.

@mrsaquaman187 wrote:

"Here is interesting because usually with conversations like these Dean would get upset or strut around then disagree and blame himself for something. BUT he doesn’t do that this time. Which leads me to believe he knew what Cas was going to say... you can see his face stiffen, intense eye contact and he clenches his jaw. Which tells me he is MAKING himself listen. He knows what’s coming and he has made the decision to HEAR it."

@mrsaquaman187 wrote:

Gif 1:

"Here he’s trying to hold it together. He’s swallowing back tears because he wants to see this conversation through to the end."

Gif 2:

"Oh this one is fascinating because he’s not moving. This means he’s no longer trying to be sure of what Cas is saying. He definitely knows what he’s going to say. Also if you look at his eyes, his pupils are dialated. Fun fact: when you’re looking at someone you love, your pupils dialate."

If you are still alive, i just want to point how romantic is this, because he is saying that Dean changed him for good. And he is naming all their family, Sam, Jack, and humanity, the world. Dean. So practically, Cas is saying, Dean showed Cas how to take care of others. Damn...

But also....

ISHIM: The way you let those simians talk to you... Castiel, when did you get so gooey? You know why we're meant to stay away from them humans? Hmm? It's not because we're a danger to them. They're a danger to us. Case in point.

CAS: Well, my friendship with Sam and Dean has made me stronger.

Castiel rewording again, because he knows what Dean did on him, Dean changed him for good.

I Love You

@mrsaquaman187 wrote:

Gif 1:

"Hmmm this one is a mixture of disappointment and denile...he’s basically thinking “you can’t be leaving me again”. His slow blinking and calm appearance indicates that he’s sort of asking out of disbelief or denial."

Gif 2:

"My poor boy had so much to say! Here you can tell he realizes what Cas was saying...he gets the meaning but can’t get his response out. He starts with the head tilt which signifies endearment and fondness. He swallows hard which represents the nervousness he feels and the sadness he feels. And then you can see his lips twitch and turn into a light smile along with his eyes softening. So he understands that Cas is confessing to loving him. And he understands that Cas has been holding it in and hurting the whole time. Which is why he tilts his head. The hard swallow is because he’s being loved but wants to love back and has no idea how to express that. All he could manage was “don’t do this Cas” which along with the body language equals to “Cas don’t leave me”.

I'm crying again, damn...

Okay Dean is shocked, shocked because he just figured out Cas loves him, Cas had loved him this whole time!! Is a huge, huge revelation to him, because Dean didn't imagine his best friend would feel the same for him! That's why he always thought he couldn't have Castiel the way he wanted to.

"I can see the love inside of you, but is croaked in shame."

Shame because it was his best friend, a pure, beautiful angel, out of his league. But now... This angel is confessing he had been in love with him the whole time! And not just that but he dies after that!

Dean losing again the love of his life after knowing he loved him back, is a new level of shock and despair to him. So Dean's reaction is just accurate and perfect!

And the scene crying alone in silence, not answering Sammy's phone call is SO SO IMPORTANT! He forgot about Chuck, about the world ending, about everything, because he only could think about Cas, and how he just lost him, and how he loves him the way Dean loves him, this whole freaking time.

To Conclude:

This was the most beautiful Destiel scene until now, and i only hope for the second Destiel canon scene, in which Dean will said I LOVE YOU TOO to his angel, closing his ILY journey, and rescuing Castiel. Maybe with the reset button, maybe entering into the Empty. But this is not the end, my friends, is just their starting.

Hugs! Love you all!

Tagging @metafest @gneisscastiel @emblue-sparks @magnificent-winged-beast @weird-dorky-little-deana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @mybonsai1976 @anarchiana @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @destielshipper221b @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @feathered-castiel @bre95611 @zoerayne2426 @justmeand-myinsight @that-one-fandom-chick @proccastinate @studio-hatter @pepevons @poorreputation @mrsaquaman187 @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @dwstiel @thislunarkiss @ladygon @shippsblog @la-random-fangirl @lets-try-this-again-please @mychemicalobsession514 @destiel-shipper-11

@asphodelesauvage @2musiclover2

Buenos Aires November 6th 8:54 PM

#destiel #destiel meta #15x18 meta #spn spoiler #castiel meta #castiel #dean winchester #dean winchester meta #meta spec

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casandeans · 4 years

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spn 15x18 coda

read here on ao3! ~8.1k

here’s the first part of my coda for s15e18 because i’m sad and so here’s some angst lol

read the second part: tumblr, ao3

read the third part: tumblr, ao3

The End of All Things: 15x18 coda

Dean sat on the floor with his head in his hands and he couldn’t stop fucking crying. The sounds shivered out of him in breathless sobs, his body shaking so violently he thought everything might shatter around him. Everything had shattered around him. Cas—

Cas was—

No. Dean dug the heels of his palms against his closed eyes, pressed until spots shone against the blackness. He sucked in a breath like he was trying to regain something, to put what he’d lost back in his body, but it was only cold air coating the emptiness. His insides were hollow. He thought he’d been ripped apart hundreds of times before. He thought he knew what it felt like to swallow a void. But it was never like this. When Sam died the first time, there was desperation and a fury that made him want to murder the world. When he held his mom in his arms, gone once again, he felt himself fracture like the jagged pieces of the empty whiskey bottle he’d thrown across the kitchen. When he watched light pour from Cas’s eyes, saw the outline of burned wings on the sand— even then there had been anger, carelessness, the desire to go on a hunt and not come back home. But this…

There was nothing for Dean to hold onto. Nothing for him to lean on. He tried to summon anger, or understanding, but he could never get past despair. The cold cement at his back sank down to his bones. The bloody handprint seeped into his shoulder. Part of him could still feel its warmth, could still feel the quick outline of Cas’s hand squeeze his shoulder before he was thrown across the room.

Cas was—

Dean’s phone buzzed across the floor. Another call from Sam. Dean knew, logically, that he should answer it, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. He couldn’t bring himself to speak. Couldn’t bring himself to tell Sam, to say the words—

Cas was—

The call went to voicemail. Again. Time was running out, Dean knew that. Chuck was burning through this world and reducing it to rubble. He and Sam had a job to do. They were the guys that saved the world. But right now, Dean didn’t care. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. Let the world end. What did it matter anymore? What did it matter because Cas was—

Cas was…

A dying sound crawled up Dean’s throat, snagged on his lower lip as he sucked it between his teeth. With every blink, Cas’s face appeared on the black screen behind his eyelids. Lips trembling, face slick with tears, blue eyes so wide. Confessing words that had been on the tip of Dean’s tongue for years. And then when it mattered, when maybe it could have made a fucking difference, his mouth had gone dry and he’d been too afraid to say it. Always too afraid to tell him.

Cas was—

And he never got to hear Dean say it back. Dean never got the words out.

“Cas,” he had said, his heart in his throat and his hands shaking and Cas was moving toward him and Dean could finally say it back, he had to—

“Goodbye, Dean.” The same hand that had gripped him tight and raised him from perdition clamped around his shoulder and Dean was airborne. Slammed against the wall, his head spinning from the impact when he looked at Cas. The Empty was reaching its liquid black tendrils toward him and Cas was—

It all happened so fast. The sigil on the door broke and Billie burst into the dungeon, the Empty materialized and sucked Billie into its nothingness, and Dean was frozen as the black tidal wave collapsed over Cas, consuming him whole. Dean never had the time to get to his feet, to try to get to Cas, to make sure he knew that he loved him.

He loved him.

It had happened years ago, something gradual and subtle that Dean could never pinpoint exactly when it started, but it was there all the same. He loved Cas, and that had been enough for him. It had been enough because he had known Cas could never love him back— Cas was so full of light and life that he deserved someone that could give him the world… and that was never Dean. All Dean could ever do was hurt Cas, over and over again, stabbing him in the back and plucking out his feathers one by one. Even when he tried to tamp down his anger, even when he tried to keep from lashing out at Cas when it was never his fault, Dean always managed to hurt Cas. So Dean had to push his feelings down, cast the butterflies in his stomach aside, because that was what had always been for the best. Dean could handle loving Cas from a distance, but he could never risk losing him. He was nothing without Cas.

“Damn it,” Dean whispered, a staccato breath to puncture the silence that weighed down on him. Slowly, still shaking, he peeled his hands from his eyes and blinked through the tears. His eyes felt swollen and sore, and the room swam with shadows. For a second, before he could really focus on his surroundings, he half expected to still see Cas standing across the room. Trench coat intact, free from the Empty, looking back at him like he hung the stars in the sky. But no. He wasn’t there. Dean was alone with the flickering lights and the sigils painted on the floor. Because Cas was—

Cas was. In love with him? Gone?

…Dead?

“No,” Dean muttered, fear starting to make him tremble all over again. “No no no no no no!” The words echoed off the walls, rang in his ears. There was no one here to hear him. No one here that could make him snap out of it, that could wake him up, because this had to be some kind of nightmare, it had to—

All of a sudden, Dean felt like he was suffocating. His jacket was shrinking, tightening on him, and the handprint was burning through layers of clothing and skin to try to stain his very soul. On the verge of hyperventilating, Dean wriggled out of the jacket, his arms getting caught in the sleeves. Every movement caused a scent to rise in the air, a scent that had been embedded in the fabric— salt from the sea, the sticky sap of pine trees, and honey being poured over tea. Dean knocked his head back against the wall, his hands stilling with the jacket balled up in his lap. He would know that smell anywhere. Cas.

Cas was—

More than anything, Dean wanted to feel Cas’s warmth beneath his hands, dig his fingers into the fabric of his trench coat instead of into this ruined jacket. Maybe if he had been a little bit braver, he could have had the things he wanted: Cas curled up in his arms, Dean’s lips leaving soft kisses along his jaw as he inhaled the wild nature of the angel. That was the cruel reality of this. All this time that Dean had spent loving Cas in silence, knowing it was unrequited… and Cas had loved him back. Wholly and entirely.

If Dean had been a bit braver, none of this would have happened. Cas would still be here. He wouldn’t have felt like he needed to sacrifice himself to kill Billie, to save Dean from her wrath. Cas wouldn’t have been taken without knowing that Dean felt the same way. That Dean loved him back.

God, if only he had been able to say it. His whole life, saying I love you had never been easy. Something had always stopped him, had kept the words from meeting the air. And it was true that he tried to show his love in other ways, but Cas deserved more. He deserved to hear it. He deserved to hear Dean say his name like it was holy, because it was, in a way that was older than Heaven or Hell or the universe itself. Cas deserved to hear that he changed Dean’s life, that Dean had never truly been alive before they met, not really. Cas deserved to know how important he was— how nothing ever felt quite right when he was away from the bunker, or how Dean had felt like his insides had been scraped out by grief’s knife when he had had to bury him after Jack was born. Dean needed to tell Cas all of these things, and then some, and Cas needed to understand that he wasn’t just some pawn that could be thrown away whenever the going got tough. Dean needed him. Not to save him at the end of the world or from Death, but to save him every day and keep on saving him. In all the little ways: making sure Dean got his coffee in the morning, sending emojis that were wildly inappropriate for the conversation, pulling Dean out of the liquor bottle whenever he felt like too much, grounding him with the knowledge that they always came back to each other, always.

You’re supposed to come back.

But Dean was too afraid to let himself hope.

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean had asked, and the sad acceptance in Cas’s eyes had made him want to throw up.

“Because it is.”

Another jagged breath and Dean threw his jacket across the room; it hit the opposite wall and slumped to the ground with a muffled thud. The world was supposed to end with thunderous applause and bangs like a thousand gunshots fired into the air. It was never supposed to end this quietly, with a heart being shredded, rendered unrepairable. Dean knew that when it was his own time to finally die, it would be a bloody, violent end, but Cas… Cas was supposed to live forever. He definitely was never supposed to throw everything away for a broken, bitter man. Dean was supposed to be the one to sacrifice himself, to make up for all the wrong he had done, to go down fighting so Cas could live to see another day. Not the other way around. The story wasn’t meant to end like that. Their story wasn’t supposed to end like this.

The phone scuttled across the floor again, the vibrations at last shocking some recognition out of Dean. The world was ending, for real, even if Dean felt like he had already seen it all crumble before him. Dean had people relying on him. Sam had lost Eileen and was hurting, everyone around them was disappearing, and something was off about Jack. And on top of it, Dean was going to have to pick up the phone and explain to them what happened, how he had screwed everything up and forced Cas to pay the ultimate price because Cas was—

No. Cas wasn’t.

He couldn’t be. Because that wasn’t how their story ended.

Cas had told him. He had told him. No matter how bruised and broken he felt on the inside, Dean was more than an instrument of destruction or a tool of war because Cas knew who he really was. He knew. Cas had seen Dean’s flayed soul in Hell and had decided to rescue him anyway. Had decided to reassemble him with care— gingerly aligning his bones, bleeding the color from ferns to give him back his eyes, pulling constellations down to scatter freckles across his cheeks. Cas knew who he was, inside and out, and nothing— not the raging fury or hate or the ugly vicious things inside him— nothing had made Cas turn away completely. Cas loved him in spite of these things and he loved him because of these things. Even if Dean couldn’t see it, couldn’t quite accept it yet, didn’t mean it wasn’t there. And because of Cas, because of how he had put him back together, both in Hell and time and again when he was lost— with the Mark, when he was a demon, when Michael wouldn’t let him go— Dean finally understood. Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being.

Dean was nothing without Cas. Would be nothing without Cas. Cas had changed him, had given him faith and had taught him what it meant to truly love someone, and now to be loved in return, even when he had always believed he was too damaged.

Even if Cas couldn’t be his, even if he couldn’t have what he wanted, he held firm to the one truth he had always known: Cas always comes back. Dean’s whole life had been written in a book, but Cas was never supposed to be in the story— Chuck said so himself, twelve years ago: You’re not in this story. And Cas, the angel that tore up the plans and defied God himself: Yeah, well, we’re making it up as we go.

Their story wasn’t over because it wasn’t written in stone. Cas was never supposed to fall from Heaven, never supposed to fall in love with Dean. That wasn’t something Chuck made up. It wasn’t something that could be manipulated. You asked what about all of this is real, Cas had said. We are.

That was the answer. The truth. Chuck could pull the strings, could abandon the storyline if he didn’t like it anymore, but this was one thing he could never figure out as a writer— this profound bond linking Dean and Cas together, reuniting them over and over.

Cas was not allowed to die without knowing how much Dean loved him, how his heart threatened to burst from his chest and follow Cas to the unknown. Cas was somewhere. He was in the Empty and he had gotten out of there before and, goddamn it, he was going to do it again. The Empty was a place— that was something Dean could do, somewhere he could go. If they had been writing the story all along, Dean damn well knew how he was going to plot the ending. With his hands reaching through the darkness to clutch at Cas and pull him out, bring him back home.

He had to tell Cas he loved him.

Dean shook his head once, rolling back his shoulders and stumbling to his feet. He cast a momentary glance at the room, at the ground where Cas had stood with tears rolling down his face and all his light shining out from his smile.

I love you.

Dean swallowed down the hopelessness, put a hand out to steady himself on a bookshelf. If he let himself think too hard, he knew he would fall to his knees and never get up again.

“Don’t worry, Cas,” he murmured, forcing his gaze forward as he ripped the door open. “I’m coming for you.”

He had work to do.

tagging some mutuals just because @rambleoncas @flowersforcas @valleydean @fingergunsbidean @credentiast @chill-legilimens @mishha @castyel

let me know if you want to be tagged/removed from tags!

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loveinterestcastiel · 3 years

Text

The Same Stuff as Stars

I hope this works for you, for anon <3 spoilers for 15x18-20. No beta, sorry, we die like men

Prompt: Person A: “Aren't you glad to see me?" B: "No, not really."

You can also read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28400460#main

He finds Cas in a green field just beyond where the edge of the forest breaks and turns to prairie. He’s just standing there, leaning his right shoulder up against a sprawling, gnarled old oak tree.

It looks like Dean is almost expected.

He pulls the Impala off the road and shuts it off. He’d turned off the music a little ways back, content to have just the sound of the wind whistle-roaring in his ears as he and Baby raced down the winding open road, but now his hands are shaking.

There are wildflowers and seeds scattered on the ground, honeybees and wild birds and all manner of life positively humming around them. It’s beautiful.

“Cas,” Dean calls, a nervous relief flooding through him.

Cas turns to look back at him, his face closed off, his mouth set in a twisted little line.

“Hello, Dean.”

He sounds sad, and turns away. Dean hurries across the last remaining stretch of gently waving grass and comes to a halt at his side.

He wants to tell him. He reaches out to take Cas by the arm, but there’s something on Cas’s face. While he’s been standing there like a statue and waiting for Dean to join him underneath the rustling canopy, a tear has made its way onto his left cheek, suspended there like a glittering little betrayal.

The confession he’d planned shrinks in Dean’s throat, tucking itself away into a hot, prickly ball of fear that settles in his heart.

“Aren’t you glad to see me?” he asks instead, trying for some of his usual laissez-faire bravado and falling miserably short.

“No, not really,” Cas says softly. He still won’t look at Dean, staring resolutely out over the field towards the horizon where the sun- or whatever celestial illusion passes for the sun in Heaven- has begun to set, casting pale red-gold tendrils spiraling out into the most perfect blue Dean’s ever seen. It reminds him of Cas. Of Cas’s eyes.

Another tear falls. Cas pays it no mind, but his lip trembles, just barely.

I gotta know. "Why are you crying, Cas?" If he even knows. The question sticks in Dean’s throat and leaves a lump in its wake. He thinks he might be crying soon, too.

"I wish I could say it was because of a perfect ending,” Cas begins softly. “I know humans wish for that, that sort of an absolution, or resolution, tying up loose ends, everyone getting what they deserve. I wish I was happy to see you, I do. But I’m not, Dean- fuck,” he swears, shaking his head. Dean’s never heard him swear like that before, not even when Billie had them cornered- and was that already so long ago?

“I need you to know what you mean to me, what you’ve always-” Cas’s voice wavers and stops.

He pauses, watching the colors dancing in the distance, and takes a breath to steady himself. "Gabriel used to say that humans were built out of the same stuff as stars, and when I look at you, I know it's true. You burned so bright. You still do. I- it aches just to be near you. But as long as I’ve known you, I have never wanted to be anywhere else. I don’t, I-” he turns and meets Dean’s gaze. His eyes take Dean’s breath and freeze it in his chest. The look on Cas’s face is staggering, the weight of his expression hitting Dean like a sledgehammer to the gut. “I know I can’t have you, but I can’t regret loving you," he whispers.

“Cas, I’m not asking you to.” Dean says, unsure and shifting his weight uneasily from foot to foot.

“No, I know you wouldn’t,” Cas says quickly. “But you deserved to live, Dean. Not to be here. Not yet.” He means it.

And that’s true. Dean knows that whatever his ending was- heroic, pointless, depressing, ridiculous- it was too soon. But what’s done is done.

“Maybe I did, Cas,” Dean admits, letting the last of his anger fall away from his heart and dissolve into the air. “But there’s no going back, and you were gone and- and I’ve never felt so alone, Cas. Now how could I want to be anywhere but here, with you?” Dean asks, taking Cas by the hand and drawing him closer before reaching up to cup his face in his hands.

Cas takes a shocked step to him and sobs out a sharp little breath when Dean’s hands touch his face, his thumbs stroking over Cas’s cheekbones and swiping away the last clinging tears. He holds onto Dean’s shoulders too tightly, his fingers tugging at the fabric, his eyes searching Dean’s in disbelief.

“Cas, I love you. Of course I love you,” Dean rushes out, his heart racing, his voice wrecked. “You can have it- you can have me.” He pulls Cas as close as can be, and he kisses him. Something in his soul seems to slot into place, a feeling of rightness taking root in a way that he has never felt before. With Cas’s lips on his, his hands in his wild hair, and Cas clutching him to his chest like a prayer, Dean feels like he’s finally home.

Somewhere nearby, there are birds singing.

#destiel #destiel fic #fic prompt #my writing #fix-it #15x18 spoilers #15x20 spoilers #spn fix it #dean winchester #castiel

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angelfishofthelord · 3 years

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my life is a song for you

(a 15x18 au where Billie isn't in the picture, set before Chuck snapped everyone away)

I don’t think I can sing this song to you

Hold my lips and power through

Think about a different day

It starts with anger, of course; most of the ideas Castiel has have been met with that. This time, though, instead of the anger coming solely from the elder Winchester, it is a united chorus from all of them. Together the choir flows into bargaining, eventually being backed by a full orchestra of third day denial. The percussion of depression comes soon after the fourth day. By the time they reach acceptance on Saturday, the conductor has already put down his bow.

They end up agreeing to Castiel’s plan without actually saying those words. They just stop.

Stop arguing, stop researching, stop fending off each other’s stubborn reasoning with weak excuses.

The room stops thrashing to and fro and sits there, hands on its knees. Jack is staring at his shoes, the line of his throat bobbing up and down. Sam brushes an arm across his face, pretending it’s to wipe the hair of out his eyes, and then stands up, saying I’ll get you a bag for the trip. After he leaves Dean clears his throat and mutters about going to fill the tank on Castiel’s truck. Jack, come on, come help me, he says and the boy follows him without a word.

Castiel stands alone in the library and carefully folds up the map spread out on the table. His fingers move rigidly, like they are already paralyzed by mourning. The relief that they’ve finally accepted the plan and everything it entails is drowned out ten times over by the reality of what happens next. It has be done tomorrow night; he has less than twenty four hours to spend his family. He has to go do it alone; their presence would derail the entire plan.

No one is hungry during dinner that night, even though the burgers smell exceptionally good. After the dishes are done Dean puts on a movie that none of them are really watching. Still they huddle together on the sofa, letting it play loudly anyways because otherwise the quiet might shatter them.

I don’t think I can do this without tears

Pick a moment, fly the years

What can there be left to say

The hour before Castiel leaves the next morning Sam comes into the front room and puts a beige duffle bag down on the table. Here, he says, fumbling uneasily with the straps. I put a charger in, in case your phone runs out of battery. Castiel peers into the bag and sees different parcels of the spell ingredients, all wrapped and marked individually in Sam’s neat handwriting. There’s also a new mixtape, probably from Dean, and a little plastic bag of nougat candy, fruit roll ups, and gumdrops that Castiel knows is from Jack’s secret movie-watching snack stash.

They’ve all added a little farewell gift for him. A lump the size of a watermelon swells in his throat.

Sam is still standing there, fidgeting with the zipper of the bag and Castiel just reaches over and grabs his hand and holds it for a moment, long enough to pull himself together. And then Sam tucks his fingers around his and they hold for several minutes more. When they eventually have to let go it hurts, physically, like someone just sliced open the veins on his palm.

Dean comes by a few minutes after Sam leaves. He stands next to Castiel, looking at the map spread out over the table. The clock clucks loudly in the background and Castiel stands there, motionless, as if he can will time to pause just by sheer determination. If he feels a weight on his left side that is Dean resting s head hon his shoulder then that’s just another reason not to move or even breathe. The pressure lifts, eventually, and Castiel feels the vacancy like part of him has been sliced off.

Ten minutes before he leaves everyone else is going about the Bunker as usual. There’s been an unspoken decision reached by them all that there will be no speech, no goodbye, because otherwise Castiel simply won’t be able to go. It’s for his sake that they’re pretending to be researching in the library, or cleaning up the kitchen, or fixing the Impala.

Castiel slips the straps of the duffle bag over his shoulder. He checks his right coat pocket for the truck keys. The front room is empty but from where he’s standing he can see Jack reading at one of the library tables. Jack hasn’t come up to him yet today; Castiel understands why. He’s been avoiding the boy for the same reason.

But against his better judgement Castiel walks into the library and stands there at the edge. He watches Jack silently for a few minutes before he realizes that if he lingers even a second longer he’s going to throw down the bag, pull Jack into his arms, and never ever step out the door.

So he moves forward, quickly, and puts a hand on Jack’s shoulder. He closes his brimming eyes and presses a kiss to his son’s forehead, ignoring the teardrops rolling down his cheeks and onto Jack’s forehead. The boy’s fingers immediately close around his coat sleeve and Castiel lets the boy cling to the fabric for just a second before he pulls away hard and goes, one foot after the other, because he knows--he knows that Jack is watching him leave and it takes all the strength he never knew he had to not turn back.

When the Bunker door finally slams behind him Castiel jumps a little. The lock clicks in place like hinges on the side of a coffin.

(oh, my life is a song for you)

He breaks down at a cafe, over a coffee refill.

For the past four hours of driving he’s managed to keep himself stitched together. The threads stretched but did not burst. Not even when he put on Dean’s new mixtape at the second hour; not when he ate one of Jack’s nougat bars while getting a gas refill at the three and a half hour mark. His phone has been plugged into Sam’s charger the entire time, even though the battery is blinking at one hundred percent.

But around noon he decided to stop for some coffee. He didn’t need it to stay awake for the drive ahead, and he didn’t need to stretch his legs, but he pulled over by the diner anyways.

He needed to breathe. That was all.

As he took a table in the corner the waitress came over to pour him a cup of black coffee and he thanked her. His phone sat warm in the right pocket of his coat. Sam and Dean were only a phone call away. The thought prickled in his chest like a bouquet of needles. He tried to focus instead on the hot bitter liquid moving down his throat, drowning the temptation out.

When the waitress returned to refill his cup she told him he needs to order something to keep the table. “I’ll be on my way soon,” he said, motioning to the tip he had placed under his cup. “Could I stay for just a few minutes longer?”

Her eyes widened at the sight of the bill. “This coffee ain’t worth that much,” she laughed.

“No,” Castiel admitted, talking without thinking. “Dean makes a better cup anyways.”

And just like that, a blade cuts through all the neat knots in himself and he unravels, face buried in his hands, deaf to the fumbling questions of a slightly puzzled but concerned waitress.

A cup of coffee is enough to almost make him turn around. Almost.

keep reading on a03

#if i suffer with these ideas y'all have to suffer too #cw death #my spn fanfic #fanfic writer #castiel #jack kline #dean winchester #sam winchester #dadstiel #spn 15x18 #slipper007 #seraphcastiel #rambleoncas #plantdadcas #spn s15 #the empty

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castiel-left-his-mark-on-me · 4 years

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Why I think an “I love you too” was never in the cards—and why Covid was a convenient excuse for the “traditional” ending the network always wanted for Supernatural:

I will preface this by saying that I don’t know anything for sure—but going off of what the cast and crew have said both prior to Covid and the finale, as well as during and after, I believe that the network and the show runners were always planning on taking the easy way out, and this worldwide pandemic just made it all the easier.

So—for the “I love you too, Cas” that we were all hoping for … the reason I think it was never going to be the endgame is for a few reasons: mostly due to what both Misha and Jensen have said over this past year. Misha said recently in a Q&A that he was concerned about how Jensen might react to the whole “confession” scene we saw in 15x18. Also, he said that he knew about that scene long before Jensen did; however, Jensen has said he’s known about the idea for the final episode for months and months before filming for season 15 even began—which means, the two things probably didn’t coincide. If the confession actually connected to the finale in some way (and let’s face it, if Dean said “I love you too” that’s all anyone would be talking about), then Jensen would’ve known about it probably before Misha did, so Misha wouldn’t need to feel nervous over how Jensen might react.

We all thought that when Jensen said he wasn’t happy with the idea for the ending—it might have something to do with Destiel; but given how it all played out and what both actors have said since the confession scene aired and all the buzz surrounding it, obviously that isn’t the case. They have both said more about the confession and have been more positive about that than anything to do with the finale.So, what was Jensen actually upset about? Well, I think that has changed over time and has gotten worse thanks to Covid.

Jensen has been recorded saying he’s wanted a “Blaze of Glory” ending for the boys for years. Hell, they even had Dean say it in the show when the boys were trapped inside the bunker (season 10? 11?). He always imagined a tragic, action packed ending—where both Sam and Dean go down swinging; so the idea of them making it to some big, happy reunion in heaven probably didn’t sit well with him, because it softened that tragedy. Misha seemed to have similar hopes for his character—although, Cas got much closer to that beautifully tragic and heroic ending than Dean did; and Misha was happy for that at least. He’s happy that Castiel got to go out doing something good based in love and sacrifice, rather than some clumsy ending that didn’t do his complex character justice; and his thoughts on this haven’t changed over time, unlike Jensen’s. Both before, as well as after Covid, Misha has said basically the same thing in regards to the show’s planned-ending for Castiel: “That’s how I always saw his character arc ending”. So, again—I don’t think some momentous reunion in heaven was originally scripted or else Misha would’ve spoken about the end to Castiel’s story a little differently. I think he would’ve been even more excited and pleasantly surprised about what his and Dean’s on-screen connection would actually mean for the fans and the LGBT+ community; and he probably would’ve hinted to that in the months prior to the finale being aired. He wouldn’t have spoken of “sacrifice” ... he would’ve spoken of “hope”.

But the original idea for the finale that Misha hinted to in this most recent Q&A seemed to be very much the same as what we saw … only, all our favorites would’ve actually made an appearance in heaven instead of just having their names dropped (if they even got that much). I still think they were going to kill Dean in that horribly dumb way. I still think they were going to have Sam live out his life in a crappy montage without his brother by his side, and I still think that heaven would be where the story finally faded to black—the only difference Covid made was that more familiar faces weren’t on the screen.

That being said—even if Covid hadn’t been a thing, I doubt Dean and Cas’s reunion in heaven would’ve been anything more than just a bro-hug outside the Roadhouse. That’s all Becky’s Funko dolls foreshadowed, and her fears regarding Chuck’s ending were the closest to the truth; because if Dean and Cas were meant to have this big moment of love and rainbows … if the network was actually going to be that bold and take that leap, they would’ve still done it. Misha is one guy, and getting Covid-clearance for one more person wouldn’t have brought production to some screeching halt. The show runners would’ve made it happen if they actually possessed the balls to try it; but they don’t, so it was never their plan to have Dean say it back. Also, the network apparently went to the trouble of holding some focus-groups regarding Destiel and potential ideas for ending the series, which means they put a lot of thought into what would be most profitable; and even though you and I would have lost our collective minds if Dean reciprocated Cas’s love, it could alienate the show’s market in certain parts of the country and the world, and this show has made them a lot of money over time, and will probably continue to do so if they just played it safe; so, that’s what they did. They played it safe so they could re-run it for years to come, and never have to actually own up to anything they implied or even flat-out said over the years.

To support this—in that pre-show send off featuring all the cast and crew, Misha talked about how we were in charge of our own endings. That was filmed before Covid. That was filmed before whatever plans that were made for the show, had to be adjusted. He knew that many of us would be disappointed that they took Cas’s character so close to that massive edge that would’ve made history in the TV industry, and then backed off of it right at the last second. He knew that nothing was going to come of it, so he told us that we could make it better, and we should—and he would support us with the better-endings we imagined, because he agrees with us more than the show he’s given his last twelve years to.

Finally, there’s Jensen. Like I said before—I think Jensen expected something more tragic with the finale, like Kripke had envisioned from the start, but when a happy-heaven ending was proposed, he needed some time to digest it. I do think he did digest it though. I think he realized that the fans would need to see the boys happy and in heaven with all the ones they loved, because so many of us identify with those characters. I think that he began to understand that, and he even began to get excited about it … but then Covid happened, and suddenly, that ending began to change. Jensen saw that slowly but surely, the finale was shifting into something no one would be happy about. It was some blurry-medium (like Sam’s wife) between what was originally planned, and what the production team could actually get away with. His support seemed to dwindle before our eyes. He went from “Yeah—I learned to be excited about it” to “I get it” to almost a dead-silence over the entire thing. That ending that “didn’t sit right with him” wasn’t justifiable anymore if all the people that fans have loved for years, couldn’t be there … and Jensen knew that, so doing that weird half-ass ending where they basically erased all those supporting characters, felt very wrong, so Jensen got very quiet about it. Even when the finale aired, he was pretty damn quiet.

He just “put his head down and did the work.”

And that is so horribly tragic to me.

I think though, that this crappy ending is what the network really wanted anyway. They wanted it to just be the boys. They didn’t want to have to field all the potentially “gay” things from the chemistry between Cas and Dean. They figured the confession was enough to placate us, and then when Covid happened, they realized they lucked out even more and could just leave it there. Hell, they didn’t even need to have Misha on set anymore because – if they weren’t going to address the confession anyway, why bother? They could just say “It started with just the brothers, so that’s how it’s ending” and blame Covid when anyone tried to question it. It all worked out in a way that allowed them to just sit back and wash their hands of all of it, wash their hands of us.

Wash their hands of the actors and cut the ties they said that they valued.

I think they were willing to hurt just about everyone to reach their bottom-line, and hiding behind a worldwide pandemic was an extremely convenient circumstance that allowed them to get away with it basically unscathed.

#15x20 #supernatual #jensen ackles #misha collins #season 15 #covid #spn family #essay #thoughts #I don't know anything for sure obviously #but this all seems to convenient #and Jensen and Misha seem so hurt by all of it #I hate it

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whyjm · 3 years

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Why I did not like the Spn finale

This is gonna be a long post..

I cannot get over my thoughts about how it ended and how bad I feel about it. I am so angry, sad and feel so utterly disappointed, I cannot wrap my mind around how this was supposed to be a satisfying tying up emotional archs ending??? Bc it was so far away from satisfying I would laugh if I was not presently crying over it..

There are several things that irked me a lot. Many people have voiced the problems of this show and its ending much more eloquently than I will ever be able to do.. But I gotta get these fucking thoughts and feelings out of my system.

I have been with Spn since the first episode aired. I am a straight woman, I don’t have to fight for representation, I don’t have to worry about coming out and being accepted for who I am, I don’t have the daily struggles of feeling anxious or depressed or suicidal or not being able to be who I am. I am lucky that way!

To me love is love and all love should be equal! And I stand with all who struggle and all who are not free to be who they are. I see you and I love you and I support you fully!!!

To see my friends having to fight, and then on top of that have a show that has meant so much to so many people be butchered and have a negative last message sent out, in its last 36 minutes of its life … It is a hard pill to swallow.

Cas and Dean

In 15x18 we got to have a beautiful confession from Cas to Dean where Cas tells Dean he loves him and we know this is romantic love bc Cas begins by saying that the one thing I want I know I can’t have and then later I love you. Also Misha confirming it! This scene made me ugly cry so hard bc FINALLY.. (BUT what is missing from it.. the editing is strange.. bc Cas pushes Dean to the right but he falls to the left. Dean has no tears in his eyes while he looks straight at Cas when he talks, but he has tears in his eyes when he looks over his shoulder and see the empty. So what in this scene has been cut away and WHY?) Misha and Jensen did a great job with this and Cas got to find peace in just speaking his truth... And it was beautiful to watch and after having seen Dean sitting sobbing on the floor the natural and logical continuation of this would have been to in the next episode address this, but in episode 19 no such thing happened. And I wondered where did Dean’s grief go where did his CARE for Cas go?? Dean who has been depressed and suicidal when Cas have died before is all of sudden cold and act like nothing have happened at least nothing that affected him very deeply.. It felt disconnected and strange. And it continued on like that and it felt very strange to NOT address such a HUGH plot point. It’s not enough to have Dean say to Chuck to bring Cas back or to see him wasted out of his mind, or hugging a dog like his emotional wellbeing depends on it.. This is not resolution or addressing it.

All of season 15 has felt like the relationship between Cas and Dean has been in focus and important to the overall arch of the season, and explored and then all of a sudden all traces of it are just ripped away, erased completely.. To have a confession like this go unacknowledged to me is poor writing bc you do not leave this big of a thing hanging in the air without resolution (fine you can argue Cas got resolution but I feel that no Cas did not get resolution either bc his feelings SHOULD have gotten a response no matter what that response was.. Dean did not, we never got to hear or see his version or his thoughts about it.)

I was thinking narratively they HAVE to address this, Deans thoughts and reactions to this gotta be shown. They HAVE to resolve this, acknowledge it. I have been sure a long time they would NEVER have Dean reciprocate Cas love but keep it in subtext bc they are too fucking chickenshit to do that but at least have Dean talk about Cas….. that I expected him to do.. But it was not done in 19. I got the horrible feeling in my gut that they are not gonna resolve this they are gonna fuck this up, they are gonna go full brothers only and not give a fuck they are gonna push Cas out and show no care. Then we come to the final episode and boy howdy is there a lot to unpack with this episode.

(I had watched the long road home before the finale and when I watched that I KNEW that the end was going to be a letdown I felt it in all of me that I was gonna be disappointed. And I was proven right. And I have so many thoughts all jumbled up around each other that I don’t know in which end to start so sorry if what follows is incoherent and rambly.. )

15x20 - The end

20 felt like a FILLER episode, right up until Dean’s death scene I was bored and was seriously considering turning my computer of and just not watch. (A finale should be as engaging and emotionally packed like episode 18 was. I refuse to acknowledge 20 as the end.. To me it ended on 19. That wrapped things up. Not completely satisfying but hell of a lot better than the disaster that 20 is.) But then Dean was impaled on that rusty spike thingy and I was watching with attention. I GET why they did Deans death the way they did, even if that is one shitty death for Dean and could have been fixed so he did not die.. I get what they wanted to get out of it: a brothers sad moment that they turned into a irksome thing. I actually cringed about the head thing and the hands and the farming of it all just urgh I got sick to my stomach watching that. What should have been a beautifully sad moment was put together in a romantic coded way and that to me ruined the heartfelt goodbye. Bc you do not touch and hold a dying family member like that. I KNOW I have said goodbye to my fair share of loved ones that I have loved soo deeply, but the thought of touching like that NO no way.. And also they have NEVER done that forehead touch in previous deaths, so to do this now just felt irksome.

They killed Dean a character that has struggled his whole life with being daddy’s blunt little instrument, who has self-worth issues and are suicidal, who has never lived for his own sake but have only ever lived to protect and raise another, he continues to put others before himself though (up until the last couple of seasons where we have seen them both break away from this toxic behavior). Finally he was allowed to LIVE and have a life that was not controlled, not running in a hamster wheel like a fucking puppet on a string. He was Free of all of that. He was free to go after what HE wanted for himself and what Dean wanted was LOVE, in my mind its perfectly clear that Dean loves Cas back bc that is what the story have been telling us.. its right there and the story do not make sense without it. Many others have done a great job at talking about this and describe this way better than me. So I leave further discussion about that topic to them.

Dean was looking for a job. The angel Dean has loved since purgatory told him that he loved him and then died sacrificing himself to SAVE Dean yet again and then Dean dies a few days later.. How is this doing justice to Dean and what the hell kind of message does this send out to the ones watching?? They are saying it does not matter if you fight, your destiny is written for you and the only relief and comfort you will have will be death. They are saying Meh don’t fight it’s better to die bc it does not matter what you do. This is one of the fucked up messages this godawful ending sent to all those who have identified with Dean and Cas throughout the years.

They also say Cas who has been part of the story for 12 years is not important enough to have there, they IGNORED Cas, a mention in passing does not do justice to a character that has been crucial to the boys lives for 12 years. Dean Screamed in Sam’s face CAS IS FAMILY, Dean was destroyed when Cas died, he was hurt when Cas left bc everyone leaves Dean, Sam missed Cas etc… but still not important enough to show up in heaven in the last episode greeting first Dean and then Sam to heaven.. PFT…

To leave Cas and Misha out of the FINALE of a show that he has been part of for 12 years is so fucking disrespectful to Cas, to Misha and ALL the fans who love and adore both. It also makes no sense since they all say how beloved Cas and Misha are. and don’t go fucking covid made it impossible bc the last scene with all those people without masks.. No that is just lying liars who lie…Covid my ass! This angers me a lot.

Family do end in ONLY blood apparently…..

(And maybe lead to a lot of viewers for walker??? hence this very nice shirltess Sam scene............. ) shirtless Sam is always good though so no complaining here.

We see Sam and the dog give Dean a hunters funeral.. NO OTHERS are there? How is it possible that none of the found family wouldn’t want to be there and show up?? Jack has restored everyone but still only Sam and the dog are there, no Eileen, no Jody and the girls, Donna, Garth, and the list goes on and on. Bc they wanna hammer in harder that supernatural has ever only ever been about two brothers and no one else matters ever.. It does not matter that this has not been true since the earlier seasons. The show of course is about Sam and Dean’s lives and journey through life, and I have loved to follow along on their journey. BUT it was a long time ago this was the ONLY thing that mattered (bc if it had only been about the brothers the show would NOT have gone on for this long). Along the way they have picked up FOUND Family, and the message of the show has been Family don’t end in blood, Always Keep Fighting. But this last episode reverted back to season 1 and disregarded ALL character growth and storytelling of the past 12 years and went with fuck it ONLY Sam and Dean are important. So the next fucked up message they sent where: There is no Family don’t end in blood.. The only family that matters is blood. And then they have the balls to say Always Keep Fighting.. Are they fucking kidding????

Character development…….. who????

Sam lives on after Dean dies and we get a montage of his life where he look miserable and is shown to not being able to get over that Dean died. We get a blurry wife and a kid named Dean. In his house there are photos of ONLY himself, Dean and their parents and maybe one of his son? Don’t remember all the details and refuse to watch that episode ever again. But no friends, no family, no happy moments are shown, it looked like a very lonely life. He dies with only his son there.. WHERE are Sam’s friends??? This montage of Sam’s supposed happy life is NOT happy bc he is not able to get over that Dean is dead, he can’t live a happy life bc Dean is not there - again something that irked me and felt disrespectful to all the growth Sam and Dean have gone through. It was toxic codependency all the way through and that is not satisfying to watch. Especially since the brothers had actually broken that dependency. Sam had broken free, Sam have through the years wanted to get away from Dean and live his life as he wants and then he was happy…We have a moment way back in season 5 maybe? Where Sam runs away and this is shown as one of his happy moments in dark side of the moon.. No Dean in his happy places, Sam having thanksgiving with his girlfriend and her family, Sam alone with a dog. We have Sam and Amelia when Dean was in purgatory. So Sam IN text have been shown being able to be happy without Dean so why could he not do it this time?? Makes no sense! You can grieve but still have a good life.. But they CHOSE to show it like Sam was miserable bc Dean was dead and life was not worth living happily without Dean there..

The brothers have lately interacted like two individual adults, separated from each other, making their own decisions and trusting each other in making them, they wanted different things in life. And seriously WHERE DID EILEEN GO?? Why was Sam not reunited with Eileen that he some eps previous was shown to love, no instead they had blurry wife which feels like such a cop out. Sam did not get to live a happy fulfilling life and why did Sam not deserve to live a happy life with Eileen??? I know they are blaming corona for a lot of things missing in the finale that they intended.. BUT and this is a BIG BUT remember Jensen did not like the ending it did not sit well with him, he had a hard time digesting it, he objected to the ending! He spoke about that dying in battle would not be a satisfying ending - see the video of him talking about this at SDCC 2019. There is so much more to say about this but other people have voiced it so much better than I ever could so I move on to the next issue.

Dean in heaven

Dean when he first arrives there happens upon Bobby who tells him John and Mary lives down the road and that Rufus and Arheta lives around there too. I hope Bobby’s wife was indoors, and that Jack with the help of Cas fixed heaven. To this Dean only smirk/smiles.. and then Dean sees baby and goes for a drive ALONE with the words he will be here soon from Bobby again Sam is the only one that ever matter PFT. Dean who found a home in the bunker alongside Sam, Cas and Jack who told John: I have a family and that he was happy with himself and his life…. Spends his time endlessly driving around alone just waiting for Sam to appear.. ALL of Deans growth is thrown out the window.. he is reduced to salad dressing. Deans only purpose is to live for his brother and cannot possibly have what he WANTS for himself not even in death. He drives around for who knows how many years until Sam dies. HOW is this justice to DEAN? How is this a good and satisfying ending for Dean. Dean who wanted to LIVE, Dean who wanted to experience people in new ways, who had let go of Sam and saw Sam as his own person, now in heaven only drives around waiting for Sam to get there having no life or meaning of his own. It pisses me off to no end that they reverted back to toxic codependent Sam is all that is important to Dean shit.. They have broken away from this shit years ago and this is how they choose to end it right back at the beginning..

Now what is the point of telling a story of growth and love and life if all that that journey amounts to is ending up at the exact point it started on?? You can watch season 1 and 2 and then this finale and it makes sense.. But having watched season 1-15 this ending does great injustice to the characters and the story. Again many others have written way better posts about this that expresses the great disappointment and hurt that is being screamed everywhere right now.

The Actors

I want to add the performance of all actors through the years, the love and care they have poured into their characters are amazing I have loved every bit of that journey. I love Jared, Jensen and Misha, and all the others for their amazing work and that is maybe why it hurts so much it ended in this way!

#spn 15x20 #Supernatural #Jensen Ackles #Misha Collins #Jared Padalecki #dean winchester #dean #sam winchester #sam #castiel #cas #spn 15x18 #spn 15x19 #rambly thoughts about the end #the end

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irrlicht-writes · 4 years

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SPN 15x18 coda. Spoilers ahead. @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover

They’re dead, they’re all dead.

“Cas, he’s... he’s gone.”

God, his voice. Dean had barely been able to speak. The tears had been so clear on his face. He must’ve been sobbing. Sam never believed he’d see Dean like this one day: completely and utterly broken.

Dean hadn’t said how it happened. How Cas got the Empty to come here. When Sam had asked, Dean had only been able to shake his head.

There was a bloody hand-print on Dean’s shoulder. He refused to take the jacket off. “It’s all I have left, Sammy, please...” Sam’s never heard Dean’s voice cutting out like that.

What was he supposed to do? He saw them die. Eileen is dead.

He wants to cry. He wants to scream. He wants to break down. But he can’t. Because if he does, then... then who will hold them together? Last time Cas died, Dean was a mess. Sam felt like this time would be even worse. There wasn’t even a body they could burn, nothing to say good-bye to.

Castiel had saved Dean from Death.

Sam wished he could’ve been there. He wished he could’ve changed something. Maybe he could’ve found a way. Found a way to save them all.

He bit his lip. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t scream. He couldn’t grieve. He had to go on. He had to be strong. He could grieve later, when they were done.

Sam just wished there’d be something at the end. He wished that there’d be Eileen at the end. He wished that there’d be Cas at the end.

But he doesn’t get a choice. He never gets a choice. He just has to carry on.

#supernatural #spn spoilers #spn coda #Sam Winchester #userpris #poor sammy #he never gets a break #he just keeps losing people #so let's hope #let's hope that eileen comes back #that cas comes back #that there will be a reward at the end #writing #fanfiction #irrlicht-writes

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wormstacheangel · 4 years

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Drunken Confessions

I wrote this minutes before 15x18. I was nervous we weren’t going to get canon so I wrote some random fluff, a confession, to make us feel better just in case. Then I added some drunk human Cas for thee fun of it. So enjoy this big fluff ball. I feel dumb posting confession fics now. Anybody else?

“Can I love you?”

“What?” Dean chuckled as he half carried the drunk formal angel back to their motel room.

After they took care of a ghost that was haunting an apartment they went back to the motel only to celebrate with drinks across the street. The bar was old and sleazy but what else do they expect when it was across the street from a motel named C’mon-Inn. Something Dean was quick to catch up in, taking a picture and sending it to Sam to add to their Weird Motel Names list, while Cas still had a lot to learn. Last time he let Cas pick the place.

Dean had two beers as he enjoyed watching Cas mingling with the locals from his seat at the booth. He watched as he ordered his beer but somehow was competing to take a line of tequila shots. The locals cheered him on and Cas easily fell into the relaxing atmosphere as he finished the shots with a rowdy cheer. His laugh filled Dean's chest with warmth that he didn’t even need to finish the second beer. He already felt like he was drunk as he watched his best friend make friends and a lot of dumb decisions.

Now after consuming a lot of alcohol Cas was leaning into him as they crossed the parking lot to get some sleep. Cas's face, and his bad breath, was pressed against Dean’s own but he didn’t mind it. Not until Cas started talking.

Now he felt like he was going to be the one throwing up tonight.

“Can I love you?” Cas repeated with a pout now. He reached over and grabbed Dean’s face, almost slapping him between his hands, as he stumbled to stand in front of him while Dean grabbed him from around the waist to steady him. “Cause I love you so much. Sooooo much. Look at you,” Cas squished his face between his hands and sighed. “I don’t like it.”

Dean raised an eyebrow as he let Cas play with his face, stretching his cheeks as he pinches them. “You don’t like the way I look?”

Cas grinned as he silently shook with laughter. His hands pressed hard against his face before he gently caressed him, his thumbs making soft strokes across his cheeks. Then Cas fell forward and headbutted him.

“Dude!” Dean stumbled back as Cas fell, landing on his ass, while he held his stomach because he was laughing so hard. “Cas, what the hell?”

“You’re so stupid.” Cas sighed, still laughing, making Dean’s heart race while his head was now throbbing. “I knocked some sense into you. Get it?”

“Yeah, I could have gotten it without the headache.” Dean rubbed his forehead and reached to pick up Cas but it only ended with Cas pulling Dean down on top of him. Their faces were now so close that Dean was afraid to be headbutted again but Cas just smiled back at him. His ocean eyes soft and warm before he gently leaned in to press his forehead to Dean’s once again.

“Boop.” Cas whispered with a grin as he took a fistful of Dean’s shirt before he nuzzled their noses together. “You’re stupid.”

“You keep saying that.” Dean tells him, his voice shaky so he tried to clear his throat but his lungs felt like they were burning. Was he holding in his breath?

Cas pouted again before he groaned and shook his head. “I’m stupid.”

He pushed Dean off him then and started to get up. Dean watched with his own grin as he watched him struggle to catch his balance. He stood with his legs crossed and an arm down before he took a step towards the motel once again.

“You look like you have to go to the bathroom!” Dean called after him as he pushed himself up to go follow Cas.

“I do!” Cas called back to him, not looking back as he headed the wrong way to their room.

Dean reached him and grabbed his shoulders to maneuver him back to their room. Cas let himself be pushed but didn’t lean into him again. When Dean finally opened the door to their room Cas pushed himself inside and rushed to the direction of the bathroom.

“I’ll be here if you need me.” Dean tells him as he closes the front door while Cas closes the bathroom door. “Are you gonna throw up or pee?”

“Both.”

“Oh. Fun!”

Dean waited at the edge of the bed for Cas to finally come out. Checking up on him every few minutes only to get a groan as a response since he locked the door. It was a good twenty minutes later when Dean heard the toilet flush again and then the faucet run. He heard Cas gargle and Dean was thankful he at least brushed his teeth.

“Cas?” He got up to walk up to the door again but then the door opened wide as Cas leaned against the door frame, looking sick and annoyed.

“Why did you let me drink so much? What kind of friend are you?”

“The best kind.”

Dean walked over to help Cas back to the bed to sit him down. He handed Cas some aspirin and a big water bottle. He took it silently and finished the water with some of it dripping down the side of his mouth.

“Better?” Dean asked as Cas finished the water. Only getting a silent nod as a response. “Good. Come on. Let’s get some sleep before we drive home tomorrow.”

Dean kneeled down in front of Cas’s feet to start untying his boots to take them off.

“Are you-?” Cas started talking before he hiccupped and then he started to shake.

Dean looked up quickly to see Cas was crying. Tears streamed down his face while he tried to quickly wipe them off with the palm of his hands.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.”

Dean’s hands hovered over him as he worriedly looked him over. “Cas, what’s wrong? What hurts?”

“Nothing.” Cas took a deep breath to calm his breathing. “Nothing I’m just...It’s stupid.”

“Is that your new favorite word or-?”

“Well I am!”

Dean rolled his eyes as he reached to gently cup Cas’s face to make him look at him. “You’re not stupid, Cas.”

Cas blinked at him a couple times, tears still falling. “Are you not mad at me?”

“Why would I-?”

“Cause I ruined our friendship.” He looked back at him as the heartbreaking expression gave Dean a pang of pain deep in his soul. “I lost you.”

“No,” Dean shook his head firmly before he smiled back at Cas to reassure him. “No, Cas. You can never lose me.”

“But Dean,”

Dean leaned in to bring Cas into a tight hug. His face hiding into Cas’s shoulder, not caring if he did smell a little bit too much like vomit. He shut his eyes tightly as he took a deep breath while Cas freezes in his arms.

“Me too. Okay? Me too.”

“Dean?”

“Come on, buddy, I can’t say it right now. Just put the pieces together and know that I-I…me too. I need you too.”

Cas took a sort of gasp, shaky and wet. “You do?”

“Yeah, stupid, I do.”

“Oh.”

Dean then felt Cas’s arms wrap around him awkwardly. They held each other for a minute or two until Cas became too heavy. Then Dean heard snoring.

“Great.” Dean says as he gently tries to push Cas off of him. “Was trying to open my damn soul up to you and you’re drunk. Figures.”

Dean tucked Cas into his bed that night and slept in the queen bed next to him. Figured it’ll be weird if Cas was too drunk not to remember any of this happening but in the early morning hours he felt his bed dip. Then before he could get his gun he felt someone snuggle up to his back.

Cold feet pressed up against his legs making his shiver but warm breath breathed down the back of his neck as arms wrapped around him. Pressing him close to their chest.

“Cas, are you spooning me?” Dean asked without opening his eyes fully. He only got a grunt as a response. “Are you still drunk?” “Stop asking stupid questions and go to sleep.” Cas tells him as he twines their fingers together and presses their hands against Dean’s chest. Both of them relaxing as they were enveloped by the warmth in the strange bed.

“Fine.”

“Fine.” Five heartbeats later Cas adds. “I need you.”

Dean smiles as he relaxes. “I need you too.”

Tag List: @galaxycastiel

#Destiel #Deancas #Supernatural #SPN #A More Profound OTP #My Writing #destiel fanfic #destiel fic #destiel fluff #destiel ficlet #fanfiction #WormstacheWrites

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