#im glad you came to me to ask for help when she was suicidal depressive instead of blaming her and insulting her and making awful | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anakinthetrashking · 4 years

Text

How’s the Heart?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26871853/chapters/65565265

Somehow I made it and it is FINISHED!!!! This is my fic that I wrote for @batfam-big-bang !!!!

The biggest of shoutouts and THANK YOUUUUS to my incredible betas: Ace, Skye, and Em!!! @toomanyfandoms21, @timmydrakewings, and @geekinthecorner !!!! I’ve never actually had a beta before, but for this i had 3??? You guys were so kind and patient with me and my last minute tendencies. Thank you for all your suggestions and edits!!! [heart eyes]

and then!! ARTISTS!! you guys really put your heart and soul into the pieces you made and i just,,,, want to cry,,,,THAMKKKKK YOUUU!!!! keep being awesome! im love u: Butter, Dean and Lucy!!!!!! @heybabybird, @greenbean-riverdean, and @houser-of-stories !!!!!

Its a Tim-centric 3+1 Three times Tim is helped or comforted by his family, and one time where he's doing pretty alright. (TW: Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal thoughts, etc! full tags on ao3)

1) Here I am to Share the Fear (Tim & Damian & Dick) Bruce is back and everything seems to be going well- so of course old fears pop up again. Damian notices his absence and tries is best in his own way to offer some comfort.

2) Fly Towards the Calm (Tim & Steph & Cass) Steph notices that Tim's failing at basic self care again, so she declares Movie Night. She and Cass try to remind Tim that he needs to take the time to care for himself and not just continue pouring himself out on behalf of others.

3) Night Will Come But Not to Stay (Tim & Bruce) Turns out catching the Clench and loosing his spleen have more lasting effects than they thought. Tim tries to ignore and push past his new found limitations, Bruce notices that something is off and is there for the inevitable breakdown.

+1) Fair Winds, Another Tale (Tim & Alfred) A rare event of relaxation, the Waynes have a picnic at the manor. Alfred worries about his family, but for now, it seems like everything is alright.

Read it under the read more or on AO3 !

Here I Am To Share The Fear

Too much. Everything was too much.

Bruce was finally back, and Tim was glad that everyone was so happy - despite them all being wrong.

Wrong.

WRONG.

He shook his head and put a light smile on his face, trying to focus on the conversation in front of him, but Dick was so loud. And there were far too many people in the mansion - in the same room - Tim swallowed and grit his teeth against the feeling of his organs crawling up his throat.

There were eleven people in the room.

Ten roses in the flowered centerpiece on the buffet table.

Nine cups scattered about the room.

Eight candle flame shaped light bulbs in the chandelier.

Seven white socks (why was Dick only wearing one?)

Six voices in variating clarity.

Five… Five? Five fingers on each hand.

Four windows, none open.

Three lamps, all unlit.

Two doors.

One exit. Viable exit, at least.

Zero people looking at him. Perfect.

It was time for him to go, so he took his exit as quietly as possible, noticing the volume of the crowd drop as he walked out. No one stopped him. No one seemed to notice. Or maybe they just didn’t care. Good. That- that was something he could deal with.

As he fled to his room, he couldn’t help but notice how alive the manor was. So many lights were on, even in empty rooms. Little things littered the place as if people actually lived here. A book on the table here, ready to be picked up and read from where they left off. A suitcase full of clothes there, waiting to be unpacked. Doors open instead of closed and locked. Bed covers turned down, ready to welcome them home.

Tim reached his door and saw the life that had flooded there as well. Posters, pictures of family and friends covered large portions of his walls. Little trinkets given to him were lovingly placed around his desk. It was more than he could take, so he ran. He ran and ran through hallways and past open doors until the warmth of the occupied portion of the Manor turned to the chilly halls of the guest wing. Back in the furthest unused room is where he finally stopped, willing his heart rate to slow down.

The room looked like something out of a book, everything covered with sheets and layered with undisturbed dust, no signs of life. The evening light cast the room in cool tones of blues and greys, shadows soft and hazy. The attached bathroom was much the same, cold tiles sucking the heat from his feet.

Sitting down, he hugged his knees to his chest, letting the lines of the sink cabinet dig into his back. Tim stared for a while, trying not to think, and letting the clock tick a rhythm into his head.

The clock sounded so loud, and his breath seemed even louder. Nothing felt ok. Exhaustion pushed at the edges of his vision while panic seemed to well up inside of him and claw into his throat. Everything felt like it was closing in on him so he pushed back, laying on the floor and stretching his arms and legs as far as they could go. The cold seeped into him and he vaguely wondered if that’s what it felt like to die. To let your warmth bleed out into the universe. Death… was a calming thought. As humourless as that was, it forced a short laugh out of his throat.

Death would be preferable, he thought, to whatever feeling this is.

Bruce had been back for a month, and for a little while the triumph of bringing him home had been, well, satisfying. Relieving. Exhilarating.

But now, somehow, he was left feeling empty. Hollow. Carved out. His skin was pulled taut over his bones and there was nothing inside. Each day was an empty victory. A consolation prize. An uphill battle against an unseen enemy.

Eating, drinking, getting dressed, sleeping, showering, all done out of the necessity of existence. But most of the time he didn’t feel like he existed at all. Just a doll or a robot - there, but not really. Tossed aside until needed again. Some sort of empty, semi-existent thing. It felt too much like being five again and waiting by the phone for that occasional Sunday call from his parents.

A single tear slipped out, unbidden. It left a quickly cooling trail in its wake.

Everything is so stupid. Tim thought, frustrated by his own stagnancy, willing himself to just do something, instead of just lying there considering the logistics of several stupidly lethal ideas. He was working on kicking out the thoughts when he was distracted by the sound of light, purposeful footsteps. Damian. With footsteps like that it meant he was trying to be considerate. Creepy.

“What do you want?” Tim sighed.

“Drake.” Tim could feel rather than see the curt nod Damian gave him. “Pennyworth brought out those blueberry scones you seem to favor. However, you were not present. So I…” His self-assured tone faltered.

Tim turned to look at him for the first time. “You came looking for me?”

“I would hardly call it looking. You frequent a few spots and the conclusion was obvious by the number of people that are currently within the Manor.” Damian sat cross legged on the floor, pushing a scone into Tim’s hands.

“But why would you…?” Tim sat up, arching an eyebrow.

“It is only natural to know your enemy, Drake. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” Damian sniffed and waited for Tim to take a bite. Then he continued. “Then you will best know how to poison them.” A (dare Tim say it) friendly smirk showed itself on Damian’s face.

Tim snorted, and for once they seemed to have gained a sort of mutual understanding.

They lapsed into silence again. Damian shifted, obviously wanting to say something but didn’t know how. The expression on his face looked so scrunched that Tim almost wanted to laugh.

Instead he asked, “Is it still unbearably loud out there?”

Damian clicked his tongue. “With Grayson in the room? Obviously.”

Somehow Damian seemed even more frustrated. There was a good chance that any moment now he would jump up and leave, but not before throwing out an insult to cover his wounded pride at having to retreat. In his own way, he was trying to offer an olive branch, and as tired as Tim was, something in him couldn’t let that opportunity pass. He could almost hear Dick’s voice in his head, telling him that if he would just talk with Damian, have a conversation, maybe they could find common ground.

For once, he could see the clumsy effort that the brat was making, and he knew deep down, more than anything they both yearned for warmth. Not the sort of warmth that contrasted the grounding feeling of the cold tile beneath him, but the warmth of human connection. The numbness that had been growing in him twisted at that thought and he decided to take a chance.

“It’s nice to have everyone around, but…” he glanced over to try to gauge a reaction, “I can’t seem to settle into it.”

A sort of recognition, reflection, sparked in Damian’s eyes at that, and some of the tension began to leave his body. Tim continued.

“I guess it’s just that there’s always been something. If I do well enough in school, maybe my parents will take an interest in me. If I become a better Robin, maybe Batman will go back to normal. If I bring Bruce back, maybe we can all be happy again… But it never works. It’s never enough, and now- now there’s just… nothing.”

A few moments passed, and Damian’s own internal battle ended as he found the words to reach out in return.

“I, too… Mother’s time was very limited. I trained and studied hard for any extra moment of time or nod of approval she could give… and after Father denied me, it was much the same, trying to rework standards and limits for his approval. Not having something specific to work towards does indeed seem… disconcerting.” Tim searched his face and found sincerity there, though his eyes seemed to be distant as he turned away.

Damian once again found himself at a loss for words, so he thought about what Grayson would do in such a situation. A hug was… out of the question, but- he lay his hand in-between the two of them, palm open. This, he supposed, he could do. Tim took it, surprising them both. Damian’s hand felt almost unbearably warm after the cold of the tile floor.

They sat again, together, in silence. It was more companionable, though still awkward and stilted in ways neither knew how to fix.

“There’s nothing more I can do for this family. There’s nothing I can think of.” The silence stretched before them, and Tim hesitated to put his fear into words.

Finally, he whispered, “ There’s no excuse for me to stay now.”

Damian’s face whipped around to face him. “As usual, you are wrong, Drake.” He scoffed, “Don’t you know you can’t choose who your family is?” pausing, he let go of Tim’s hand and stood up, turning to leave. “You’re stuck with us whether you like it or not.”

Quick but light footsteps sounded out in the hallway.

“Grayson!” Damian called, “Come fix Drake before Father requires his assistance again!” Nodding to Tim he left without another word.

Dick then came skidding around the corner into the bathroom, one socked foot sliding out against the tile. “Tim! Are you ok? What’s wrong? Why are you here of all places?”

Overly warm hands, distant eyes, honest feelings? Tim let out a deep sigh. “You should be more worried about the little gremlin. I think he’s got a fever.”

Dick tensed as if to sprint off again, and Tim held in a sigh of disappointment, knowing that Damian would be the priority, yet again. But instead of running off, Dick simply pulled out his phone and sent off a text, settling down into the spot on the floor that had been recently vacated.

“Bruce is on it.” He glanced out the doorway as if he could still see Damian storming past. “Did he-?” The question of his behavior went unsaid but not uncommunicated.

“No, we had a completely civil conversation. One might even call it a heart-to-heart, by our standards.”

“Therefore, he must be sick?”

“Other signs, too. But yeah.”

The buzz of an incoming message confirmed it, but Dick put his phone away instead of typing out a reply.

“A heart-to-heart, eh? I always knew you guys could get along if you just tried talking.”

“Don’t you dare say I told you so,” Tim shot a glare at Dick who was failing terribly at trying to look affronted at the very thought, “but it does seem like we are a lot more alike than I realized.”

“Who would’ve known?” Dick teased.

“Never mind, just say I told you so next time.” Tim grumbled. “Anyway, it seemed like he was really trying, and that he wanted to help in some way. I guess I just couldn’t ignore that.”

“Yeah.” Dick had his proud big brother face on. “I'm glad you guys are finally getting along. What did you talk about?”

“Oh, you know, feeling worthless without having something to focus on, questioning our places in people's lives, the usual. “

“That does seem to be a common theme in our family.”

“He called me family,” Tim murmured. “Or, well, he implied it. But for him, that’s basically saying it.”

“Tim, that’s…” Even Dick looked astounded.

“Unbelievable?”

“No, not unbelievable.” He chided. “But definitely surprising.”

“That’s one way to get me out of a bad mood, I guess. I was so surprised that it jarred me right out of my own downwards spiral.” Tim closed his eyes and took another deep breath. “Most everything still sucks, but that’s a bright spot, at least. My therapist keeps telling me to look for those. I guess I have another one to add to the list.” He turned his head to share a small smile before standing up to stretch. “That and Alfred’s blueberry scones. I sure hope there’s some left.”

Dick matched his smile with a blinding one of his own and reached over to ruffle Tim’s hair.

“You know, if you ever need to talk-“

“I know.” Tim bumped his shoulder into Dick’s. “Thanks, Dick.”

Fly Towards The Calm

“Think fast!” Stephanie’s entrance was about as subtle as a stampede. She must have been hanging out with Jason lately. As the door behind her swung closed, she tossed a tightly, carefully wrapped package at his face. He caught it with one hand as he finished reading the last paragraph of the proposal he was looking over.

“Evidently I’m the Wayne family errand boy now,” she whined as she jumped up to sit on his desk. “I drove the brat home from school and got enlisted by Alfred to deliver food to your sorry butt.”

“You could have said no.” he muttered. Peeling back the folded wax paper revealed a tuna fish sandwich, exactly how he liked it, though a bit squished from being thrown across a room.

“Refused? Alfred? Are you joking?” she asked, over dramatically taken aback. “Besides, I was rewarded with my own delicious sandwich and not one but two cupcakes.”

“Two?” his eyebrow raised.

“Well, he only gave me one, but generously allowed me to snatch a second. I didn’t eat yours because I’m nice.” She dropped the rest of his lunch on his now closed laptop.

“Indeed, I shall never be able to repay your kindness,” he said around his own mouthful of sandwich.

“You got that right. Anyway, Cass and I are gonna have a night on the town tonight, wanna come with?”

Tim hummed in agreement.

“Great! I’ll text her. You should probably get a nap first though. Come on, you can eat on the way.” She popped the last bite in her mouth and hopped off the desk.

Gathering his things, he glanced at her in amusement. “Alfred put you up to this, too?”

She rolled her eyes. “Do you even have to ask?”

Looping her arm in his, they headed to the door. He noticed a slight hesitation in her steps and turned to find her looking at him funny. But she just shook her head and let whatever it was, be.

Until they got in the car, of course.

Glancing at him out of the corner of her eye as she sped down the road she asked, with a tone he couldn’t quite decipher , “Did you use my dry shampoo?”

His mind ground to a halt. Of all the questions he thought she’d ask, that was not one of them, and for the life of him, he couldn’t reason out why. They constantly borrowed each others’ things without issue, and for that matter, so did the rest of their mismatched clan. Maybe he was hallucinating. Maybe he needed that nap after all.

It had been a minute, maybe he should answer the question.

“Got my own bottle.” He said carefully, “Seemed useful.”

“Hmm.” God, now she sounded like Bruce. How many odd habits had she picked up from them?

“Tim…” she sounded soft and hesitant, as if he were fragile. He hated when they did that. “When’s the last time you took a shower? Or ate a full meal?”

He contemplated it with a hum. “Patrol,” he said finally.

Stephanie’s hands tightened on the steering wheel for a moment. “Has it been bad lately?”

“What? …Oh.” Oh. “Not… really? It’s just been numb. Quiet. A bit like the way everything is muffled when you’re underwater.” A bit like drowning, he left unsaid.

She nodded and made a sudden U-turn. When he looked at her in askance, she shrugged. “We’ll patrol together another night. I’ll update Cass when we get to my apartment, but go ahead and text Alfred now. We’re going to have a self-care night with movies and facemasks and whatever other dumb indulgent Pinterest crap I can think of.”

Tim opened his mouth to argue but found he was too tired to care and yawned instead. “Nap first?”

“Shower first. Then nap.”

[BREAK]

He woke the moment she opened the door and turned his head to meet her gaze as she poked her head in with a grin.

“Ca-“ he broke off in a yawn, “Cass!”

With a quick glance behind her, she continued into the room, holding out a steaming mug. Tim sat up in bed, gleefully accepting it as she sat down next to him.

“Coffee,” he sighed in delight.

“Coffee.” She agreed with a solemn nod.

The silence was comforting as they sat there, leaning against each other, Tim soaking in the rare precious moments where he wasn’t rushed, or pulled this way and that. Reaching the bottom of the mug, he set it aside, wrapping his arms around his sister instead.

“You are a blessing upon humanity,” he said, “we don’t deserve you.”

She laughed and tightened the hug. The moment felt just like flying free above the streets of Gotham, and the thought of staying in for the night felt right. Cass pulled away just enough to look at him face to face, an amused twist to her lips.

“You smell like a Steph!” Squeezing him once more, she slipped away and was halfway out the door again when she turned as if she had just remembered something. “Oh!” her smile turned sly, “Decaf!”

“Hey!” He jumped out of the bed to catch up with her, but when he rounded the hall into the living room he was stopped in his tracks.

It seemed that somewhere in between dropping him off at her apartment to take a nap while she met up with Cass and “gathered necessary supplies”, and returning with said supplies, the original objective had been lost.

“It looks like you brought back half the manor’s supply of blankets and robbed a concession stand… and is that the old DVD case? I thought I got rid of that.”

“Yeah. Me and Dick saved it! Having everything digital may be convenient, but having a physical folder of DVDs just feels right!”

Tim suppressed the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose and decided to leave the debate of Digital vs. Physical for another day.

“Anyway, you’re up just in time to help us set up the blanket fort!”

An hour later found the living room unrecognizable under the piles of pillows and draped sheets. Tim and Steph stood in the kitchen sorting snacks and discussing the night’s activities.

“-and then there’s this green tea and honey one that’s really great, very soothing-“

“Steph, you don’t have to explain them all to me, you know I’ll always let you test your facial concoctions out on me,” he cut in.

“Of course I know that. I’m not rambling about them for my benefit- I’m rambling about them for yours”

A head tilt was his only reply.

“Ok, let me try to explain this in a different way.” she put down her phone to look at him. “Tonight, Cass and I are going to attempt to teach you how to take care of yourself.”

“I know-”

“Not in the way that you’ve done or that you know. Your version of taking care of yourself is to fool the cameras, the public, to fool Batman into thinking that you’re at your best.” she shoots him a look. “You’re not. You’re running on fumes and you can’t fool your family.”

“Taking care of yourself is NOT finding the lowest number of hours of sleep that you can ‘function’ on.” She makes quotes in the air with her fingers. “It is not replacing a meal with a power bar, even if the calories are the same! It’s not only taking showers when you have to leave the house, or shutting yourself in to do casework all the time!” her hands fly up in the air and she huffs.

Taking his hands in hers she looks him square in the eyes before saying more softly, “Self-care is eating full, balanced, Alfred-cooked meals as often as you can. It’s doing your laundry every week and brushing your teeth twice a day. It’s taking naps even when you would literally rather be sorting through the 5-year backup of paperwork in R&D. Or better yet, getting a full 8-10 hours of sleep regularly! It’s looking in the mirror and saying to yourself, everyday, ‘I am good enough. I am worthy of and deserve all the love me friends and family try to give me.’

And tonight! Taking care of yourself is having a spa night with Cass and I while we watch anime movies and eat copious amounts of junk food, because we all know that patrol burns an extra 2,000 calories anyway! Plus, we can look at the Affirmations board I have on Pinterest! Cass likes practicing saying them while she beats up bad guys. Says the look on their faces is priceless.”

“Funniest one, I said, ‘I aspire to be a blessing and an inspiration to others.’” Cass recites popping her head out from the mass of blankets, “Guy completely stopped! Then I punched him.”

Night Will Come But Not To Stay

“I cant- I can’t do this anymore! I won’t do this anymore!”

“Promise?”

“…What?” his tears paused for the barest moment, before overflowing again. Bruce was crouched in front of him, tear tracks staining his face.

A moment ago Bruce had been standing with his back to him, untouched by Tim’s words, or perhaps instead, disgusted?

But perhaps that conclusion was wrong. As Tim searched his face now, it looked more like he was the one in pain and exhausted beyond belief.

His lips were moving, and Tim struggled to catch up.

“What?” he repeated, softly and sniffly, a cord of self-disgust lashing out within him at the pathetic sound of it.

Not just tear tracks, it seemed. Bruce was still shedding tears as he repeated himself.

“Do you promise? That you won’t do this anymore?”

Tim’s mind felt like sludge as he tried to piece together how that request could possibly fit into the context of the last few minutes.

They had been training, not so long ago. Bruce had reached out to Tim first, this time. Offered to train together like they had in the past. Tim had jumped at the chance. He should have known better.

It had been going fine, at first. Great, even.

But his insomnia had been worse than usual this past week, and his other symptoms had been acting up, too. In response to the lack of sleep, maybe, or just the continued pattern he had observed, gradually worsening over time.

Honestly, it was probably a great big mix of things.

But he hadn’t been willing to cancel - not the first thing that he had actually been looking forward to in… too long to think about.

So, he’d shown up anyway, his body begging him to just rest.

They’d warmed up and started sparring.

Well.

It hadn’t even been fifteen minutes of sparring, and his body went from begging to outright rebellion.

He went down and couldn’t get back up.

And for some stupid reason, Bruce had decided to yell at him to get up.

So, he yelled back.

Yelled.

Screamed.

He’s not even sure what all he said, just that this last added bit of disappointment piled atop the ever-building terror of symptoms and lit the fuse that exploded within him and stole the earth from under his feet. It ripped through him and tore out his throat, multiplying as his view was constrained to the back of the man he respected most, seeming to be utterly unmoved by it all.

His obvious confusion and continued silence spurred Bruce to try to explain.

“Promise me that you’ll stop running yourself into the ground. Please.” He tilted his head to try and catch Tim’s eye. “I know you’ve been struggling, and not just lately. Alfred said you’ve seemed like you’ve been having an especially difficult time for quite a while. He said he had been meaning to bring it up to me before… and that he had tried to talk to you while I was gone, but that he couldn’t get you to stay in one place long enough to broach the subject. I know something’s going on. Tell me about it. Let me help.”

“Something’s going-? Help?” his laugh was incredulous and desperate as he dug his fingers into the mats beneath him before forcing them to relax. “No. You can’t- you can’t help me.” He scoffed. “Was this-“ he waved his hand around to try to indicate this situation that he couldn’t find words for, “this, supposed to be helpful?”

“Well,” Bruce looked a bit sheepish, “when you get stressed, I know you tend to internalize all of it. Direct it all at yourself. I thought if you had something outside yourself to direct it at instead… It had worked for-“ he cut himself off. “Well.” He said again, letting it rest a moment before continuing at a different angle. “What do you mean I can’t help you?”

“I mean, you can’t. I- I already researched it. There’s nothing- I mean, I sure had enough time. I had thought, with how tired I am, that maybe it’d help with my insomnia. You’d think so, right? But no. No. I’m still awake, but now I’m lying there, and I can’t do anything. Because I’m too tired! I’m so tired, Bruce. I thought- I thought I knew what tired was.”

“Tim, you’re not making sense. What’s going on? Why are you so tired?” he shifted to sit down and lifted his arms to give Tim a hug but stopped short, holding there, offering.

Tim fell into his arms and Bruce gathered his son as best he could.

“Turns out The Clench has permanent effects that the cure couldn’t reverse. They’re only just beginning to research it, but I’ve been tracking symptoms. Chronic fatigue and pain, nerve damage, migraines- other things they aren’t sure are connected. There isn’t a cure, and it’s gradually been getting worse. I’ve tried the suggestions though it's hardly any change: diet, exercise, rest, the basics. But it’s all just maintenance, and I can’t-“ he went limp as his eyes filled with tears again. “I can’t do the things I used to be able to. I’m barely making patrol- the rest of the day I’m in bed. I can’t do classes. I had intended- I was going to finish High School, or maybe get my GED. But I have to lay down after taking a shower. I can hardly think anymore. I have to drag myself out of bed to go to the bathroom. I used to be able to do everything, and now I can’t do anything! I can’t help you anymore! And you can’t help me.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Bruce pulled him closer to his chest and rested his cheek on his head, rocking them back and forth. “It’ll be ok. We’ll figure it out.”

“No, it won’t! It’ll never be ok again! Can’t you see? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think! I can’t think, Dad! What use am I now?” his voice broke and Bruce felt his heart break with it.

“Tim,” he gathered Tim’s hands in his own from where they were clutching his shirt, and planted a kiss on his knuckles, smoothing over them with his thumb. “Son, listen to me. You were not born into this world to be useful.” He stopped him before he could interrupt. “I know you like being useful. I like being useful, too. But I need you to listen to me. You are more precious to me than all the stars in the sky. Nothing will change that. When I say, “We’ll figure it out”, I’m not talking about a cure, or some way to make sure you are, quote unquote, “useful”. I mean that we’ll figure out a way for you to live a happy life. A successful life in whatever capacity that it may mean for you. When I say “it’ll be ok”, I don’t mean that I have a fix, I just mean that no matter what, the others and I will be here for you, however you need us. I mean that no matter what happens, you have a place here. You are my son. I love you.” Bruce cradled Tim close again, and their tears mingled where their cheeks pressed together.

“It’s ok. I’m here”

(+1) Fair Winds, Another Tale

Despite still being in the middle of setting things up, the picnic mood was already in full swing. Large blankets were being weighed down by pillows and baskets of assorted snacks. Tables were being laid out to hold the main meal, soon to be a large potluck. No matter how much Alfred insisted on being the one to cook it all, each attendee persisted in bringing something to share. He faintly wondered if they would run out of table space again this time ‘round.

With the majority of the tasks already accomplished, and the remaining tasks hijacked by the ever-enthusiastic young people, Alfred found himself with nothing pressing to do. He made his way over to where Tim sat, transferring water bottles and pop cans from cartons to coolers.

“As much as I appreciate the help, I do so wish they’d stop flinging cutlery across the lawn.”

Tim looked up to watch Steph and Duke and Jason for a moment, trying to suppress his own smirk at the sight of them gleefully tossing said cutlery to each other.

“I mean, it's just plastic, right?”

Alfred sighed as he sat in a camping chair set up next to the coolers. “Yes, but that’s not quite the point. The job is getting done, though, I suppose.”

They sat a moment in pleasant silence, watching as their family milled about, more relaxed than Alfred had seen in years. He hated to break the quiet, but with the entire family around lately and as busy as ever, he had hardly had a decent conversation with any of them. He worried about all of them, of course, and their shared inability to ask for help, but Timothy was an especially quiet lad, when it came to facing problems.

“How are things?”

“Well, all the drinks are already chilled, and we have plenty of ice.”

He shrugged a little at Alfred’s pointed look. “I think they’re ok.” He fiddled a bit with the boxes and tied a fresh garbage bag to the back of a cooler. “Not great, but ok. The weight, the fog… It’s lessened, somehow?”

“Your medication is helping?”

“Yeah, I think that’s a big part of it. But more than that, the way that I think about things now, it’s- I mean, obviously, it’s taken months, and ‘better’ isn’t a word that I’d use- but there’s been progress. And for once? It’s like I can let that progress just, be? I’m not sure how to explain it, really.” He leaned back to stare at the sky. “ I’m still working on things, and putting effort into it, but I guess I’m not expecting things to be fixed completely and immediately.”

Alfred hummed in response encouraging him to continue.

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s still frustrating to no end. Trying to ‘let go’ of perfectionism and the control issues… Sometimes I feel more like I’m chopping off parts of myself with the issues rather than just ‘letting them go’. But I’ve been finding new ways to define myself, and it’s been more manageable lately. I can work with manageable. And when it’s not, I have people who make it bearable.” He looked off to where Bruce was welcoming their first guests. “That’s more than enough for me.”

“Master Timothy,” Alfred waited until Tim met his sincere gaze, “I am so proud of you.”

The small smile Tim shot at him reminded him so much of the shy grins that were common when young Timothy had first entered their lives. Alfred’s heart ached for the many children whose smiles he had seen stolen over the years. The moment was cut short as Jason stormed over demanding,

“Tim, Steph is insisting that the 2005 Pride and Prejudice is better than the 1995 version. You have to tell her she’s wrong.”

Steph came bounding over with Duke. “What's wrong with you? Do you hate Kiera Knightley or something?”

Jason took a dramatic step back with his hand on his heart. “You should know better than to ask that question! But the 1995 version is still the better version. It's more faithful to the books! The delivery is stunning! The banter is unsurpassable! And it has Colin. Firth.”

Duke breaks in, “I mean, he’s got a point. They took the time necessary to keep as many details as possible from the book. Elizabeth’s take down of Darcy is unparalleled. When it comes to banter that’s definitely the one to watch. Also, the 2005 Mr. Bennet is kinda creepy, not gonna lie.”

“See? Duke here is a man of taste.”

“But the aesthetic!” Stephanie cried, “The finger twitch! Darcy looking like a sad puppy in the rain! Elizabeth kissing Darcy’s hand!!! 2005 is a masterpiece! Tim, you tell them!”

“Don’t look at me, I think they’re both great. Besides, I like Jane Eyre better.” Tim says.

The other three stop and stare.

“You know, that makes sense.” Duke said with an assessing look. “Personally, my favorite is the Count of Monte Cristo.”

Jason threw up his hands in defeat. “You guys aren’t even talking about Jane Austen anymore!” They all turned as another car came up the drive. “Oh thank god, Babs is here! She’ll take my side.”

Their conversation faded into the distance as they paraded back across the lawn, dragging Tim into their argument as they went.

Bruce watched them fondly out of the corner of his eye as he approached in turn.

“The Kent’s are here, save Clark. Lois says he tried a new recipe and wanted to run it past Martha first. Diana’s running a bit late, but for the most part it seems that everyone else will be here in an hour or so. How are things coming along?”

Alfred knew he was asking about more than just picnic preparations. “All is well, Master Bruce. For once, all is well.”

#bbb2020 #batfam big bang 2020 #batfam #batfam fic #Tim Drake #Damian Wayne #dick grayson #bruce wayne #Stephanie Brown #cassandra cain #cassandra wayne #fanfic #hurt/comfort #angst and fluff #holy crap i cant believe this is finished #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw suicidal thoughts #also talk of chronic illness #part three might hit a little too close to home during current events sorry #shout out to my fellow chronic illness peeps who are grieving the loss of health #i def cried while writing it #tim drake gets a hug #also everyones in therapy btw #all is well alfred says until clark shows up with that accursed sweet tea and restarts their ongoing battle over tea #please imagine the intense eye contact across the lawn as clark sets down the sweet tea at the drinks table smugly #it wouldnt fit in the fic but it fits in my heart #also u better believe that Dev is there!!!#im just too shy to write him

23 notes · View notes

ryttu3k · 3 years

Text

Part 2 of my season 12 reaction posts! Find part 1 (Resolution of the Daleks to Fugitive of the Judoon) here!

Praxeus

Thoughts on Doctor Who - Praxeus!

OKAY FIRST. THANK YOU, SHOW, FOR FIXING A BIG ISSUE I HAD WITH THE FIRST SEASON. So they were doing a thing where they’d introduce incidentally queer characters, have a female character mention her wife, stuff like that, only for them to die. This episode had Jake and Adam, married/separated/it’s complicated couple, who face huge amounts of danger, who both come close to dying, but who survive! And have a Big Damn Kiss! And walk off together holding hands! They survived!!

Plotwise, I enjoyed it a ton while watching, although in retrospect it did feel a bit free of danger. The companions were never in true peril because the Doctor can home in on them automatically, and we never got the true scale of the risk of infection, since the only people we saw get infected were in isolated areas. I would have liked to see, for instance, the threat of Praxeus spreading beyond just the very Hitchcockian birds; all of the peril was on an individual level.

Good message, if unsubtle. Mind you, that’s kind of Doctor Who’s thing, and it pisses off conservatives, so all for it, really XD (They must have loved the core relationship in this episode, too!) Like. Subtle doesn’t work. There are literally climate change deniers that exist. Sometimes you actually do have to tell a message with all the finesse of a sledgehammer because .

(Side note, I was deeply concerned when I saw the cowriter was the guy who did the hot mess that was Kerblam!, so at least this was just an unsubtle and kind of questionably written story instead of an actively harmful one.)

The companions: Ryan seems a fair bit more confident on his own? His initial scenes with Gabriela showed that he’s starting to work well even without backup, and picking up the bird proved to be a damn good call. Yaz and Graham were a fun pair, and Yaz got a lot to do when she and Gabriela (again!) got to explore, and I can definitely understand the conflict between curiosity/doing what’s right and safety when it came to the teleport scene. She does seem to be bordering on the reckless. Intriguing!

Minor plot snag - Graham knows how to set up an IV, presumably because of the shitload of time he spent in hospital! …And yet he doesn’t know what a pathogen is?

Friend note!

“fun fact about graham seemingly not knowing what a pathogen is! in my reading of the scene, i saw it as graham knowing what one was. with "Well, I’m glad you asked that…!” he seems like he’s actually sort of pleased with himself, like he’s about to launch into an explanation, and then IIRC there’s a very brief shot at Ryan giving him a Look and Graham immediately changes tone to “…cause I didn’t want to look stupid.” he immediately changes from boosting his own ego to bolstering ryans and im love"

In which case, good shit gooood shit.

SFX - the infection was creepy as shit. The very obviously puppet bird near the lab was hilariously bad.

Apparently the filming was tricky because it was super windy so all the shorts of Thirteen with her hair Like That weren’t planned, it just kind of happened. Love a fluffy ruffled Thirteen.

So anyway. People calling for more plot focus - literally this is the Doctor trying to distract herself and not focus on the plot! This is her avoidance tactic! Emotional honesty? Who’s she? She’ll get back to it eventually, but for now she needs a distraction after being punched in the emotions. Give her that for one episode, c'mon.

Ryan: “…I do a lot of running.”

Graham: “Whatever is giving off those weird readings… is on the other side of that wall!” Yaz: *silently turns scanner around* Graham, not skipping a beat: “…is on the other side of that door!”

Yaz: “I don’t want you to panic, but… we followed one of those things through a teleport and now I think we’re on an alien planet.” Thirteen: “…well, you don’t do things by halves!”

Thirteen: “That’s why you smell of dead bird! I thought you’d changed your shower gel.”

Thirteen: “I’m having half a thought. Ooh, this one tickles!”

Thirteen: “What can I say? I’m a romantic~”

In conclusion, Doctor Who said gay rights.

Can You Hear Me?

Thoughts on Doctor Who - Can You Hear Me?

Trigger warning for discussion of depression and suicide.

You know you're in for a wild ride when iView warns for horror themes instead of science fiction themes.

Overall: at first impression, it felt sort of mashed together? There's 14th century Aleppo, and there's 21st century Sheffield, and there's a deep space station, and there's creepy monsters and dream villains; I do kind of wonder why Zellin targeted a random girl in Aleppo as source for his pet monster, although targeting people like Ryan's best friend makes sense if he's deliberately trying to lure the Doctor to him.

The theme, on the other hand, of mental health resiliance and reaching out, was done incredibly well. Oh yeah there'll be more comments about it - the Guardian described it as 'adventures in Wokeness' - but damn, sometimes you need to hear it. I loved getting more of Yaz' backstory, about being a desperate teenage runaway at the point of being suicidal, and her reunion with the older woman legitimately made me tear up.

But like, goddamn. Her nightmare - she's still hearing that. She's still hearing her sister saying that she should "do it right this time" and that this time she won't call and that no one is coming and holy fuck. God this makes so many of Yaz' scenes incredibly painful in retrospect, knowing that she was at that point only three years before and that she's still dreaming that shit! It makes her recklessness terrifying!

Ryan's nightmare, and his experience with Tibo - it's quite reflective of the Doctor, too. She wasn't there, and Gallifrey burnt. And Ryan is realising this now, and really thinking about the potential future in Orphan 55. I think this is absolutely foreshadowing Ryan leaving at the end of the season (there's been a lot of speculation given Tosin's new TV role), and I think Ryan and Yaz' discussion at the end of the episode was a definite hint in the direction of Ryan choosing to going back to Earth.

Would have really liked Graham, during his talk with the Doctor, to gently remind her that she can talk about her own problems, although I can understand the narrative choice on why she didn't (although, yeah, would have been good for Graham to ask). Because, yeah, if anyone needs a sympathetic ear (...sans fingers) or a shoulder to lean on, it's her!! The entire theme of this episode was like... reaching out. Conquering your fears with the help of others. Sharing your fears to lessen them. Getting help. And the Doctor deliberately... not doing that makes it into an actual Thing that I think is going to seriously be addressed by the end of the season.

It's been such an ongoing theme. A bunch of episodes have started with an obviously depressed Doctor. The Fam has tried to raise the issue multiple times and have discussed it amongst themselves even more. Scenes like Yaz' reaction after being abducted in Spyfall (...which makes her, "I thought I was dead" part even more worrying) and being comforted by Ryan, not the Doctor... her whole reaction to Graham being like, "I'm glad you talked to me but I literally can't do the same in return" - if it's not addressed by the end of this season, it's at least going to have to be an ongoing theme, because it's becoming very deliberate now.

An interesting note: the actor who played Zellin (an immortal manipulator of nightmares) also voiced the Remnants (who were the first to mention the Timeless Child in The Ghost Monument). Coincidence or deliberate?

Assorted thoughts:

"I'm still quite socially awkward." There's socially awkward and there's emotionally repressed... (I saw a description of it on Tumblr as 'weaponised dissociation' and... yeah. And also yikes.) Also the way she was so closed in on herself, basically hugging her arms to her body! On a semi-related note, talking to herself in Aleppo was a bit depressing. Like it's continuing the theme of The Doctor Does Not Like Being Alone.

The finger thing - ew ew ew ew it's in their EARS ewww D:

Stylistic comment: the traditionally-styled animation for the Immortals' game was gorgeous.

"Try not freak out, yeah, but you're on a floating space platform trapped in a gravitational pull between two colliding planets."

"Thanks for lending a helping hand!" Companions just being, "...Doctor p l s."

On an old lore note, loved the callback to Eternals, Guardians, and the Toymaker! On a concerning note, man, the Doctor has so many issues with immortals. They abandoned Jack, there was the punishment they gave the Family of Blood, they had those Issues with Ashildr (from what I've read), now this, an eternal punishment with no chance of redemption, perhaps because she knows what immortality does? Parallels with the Doctor as quasi-immortal too, which Zellin even pointed out.

"You're wrong about humans. They're not pathetic. They're magnificent. They live with their fears, doubts, guilt. They face them down everyday and they prevail. That's not weakness. That's strength. That's what humanity is."

(Contrast: "That's what humanity is." The Doctor isn't human. She's not prevailing against her fears, doubts, and guilt.)

In conclusion, literally everyone but the creepy immortals needs a hug.

The Haunting of Villa Diodati

Thoughts on Doctor Who - The Haunting Of Villa Diodati!

tfw you think you're just going to get a nice spoopy historical and instead get major plot?

Overall impression: Well, Jack is going to be pretty miffed, given that the Doctor had to do precisely what he didn't want to happen - giving the Lone Cyberman what it wanted. To save Shelley, and also to save the future, although that does bring up the question on if the death of one person can rewrite the future, why doesn't that apply to literally everyone? Fletcher the valet and Elise the nurse died too, do their deaths have the same impact? Either way, the Doctor takes the Cyberium for herself - then realises that the Cybermen are inevitable, and returns it. And now she's trying to go and stop them. So... a bit conflicting in the message there, I think.

Yeah. Bit of a Trolley Problem there.

The characters were really fun. I did enjoy seeing Mary's sense of morbidness, but also her kindness and sympathy towards the Cyberman; you can see the foundations of Frankenstein there. I'm seeing some criticism of how Byron was portrayed as a coward, but eh. Nice little callback to Ada. Also I love how one of the rules was 'no one snog Byron'. Put that dirty boy back, you don't know where he's been! Glad Claire realised that too, although historically, she was already pregnant with his daughter at that point (and that didn't go well at all)... Either way. Good display of all these bright young reckless things.

(And yes, they were young. Byron was the eldest at 28. Shelley was 23, Polidori was 20, Mary and Claire were just 18. And while Claire lived to 80 and Mary to her 50s, the three men all died young, too - Byron at 36, Shelley at 29 - yes, from drowning, Polidori at just 25. Also wasn't mentioned that Polidori also created something on that Dark And Stormy Night along with Mary's Frankenstein - he wrote The Vampyre, the first modern vampire story!)

The Lone Cyberman (and I am deliberately using that instead of 'Ashad') - creepy as shit. Not just the whole Frankenstein look, but the way he acted! Not emotionless and blank, but actively manipulative and sadistic! Mary showed empathy and he actively threw it back in her face! I mean, yikes.

House was terrific and also spooky as hell. (Am lowkey miffed that no one went "VIBE CHECK!") The jumbled layout was quite Castrovalva, and I actually really dig that Graham got to see some actual ghosts. Ghostly sandwiches!

I think we got actual confirmation here that Yaz does have feelings for the Doctor? (Bleeding Cool News is pretty sure that it was for Ryan, but... lmao no.) BBCA twitter certainly thinks so!

Claire: "His answers only increase the enigma." Yaz: "I know someone like that." Claire: "This enigmatic person of yours... would you trade them for reliable and dull?" Yaz: "My person's a bit different..."

I MEAN.

(It got deleted. So. There is that.)

Thirteen: "Hmm. Fourteenth... no. Fifteenth century... touch more umami." (Doctor, have you been playing Detroit: Become Human again?)

Mary: "I don't think they're really from the colonies!" Byron: "No, she... is from somewhere much, much stranger." Polidori: "The North."

Thirteen: "YOU HAD ONE JOB."

Cyberman: "You appear courageous. But your vital signs betray a heightened state of anxiety." Thirteen: "Or as I like to call it... Tuesday."

Thirteen: "Yeah, 'cause sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit, in the stratosphere, alone. Left to choose. Save the poet, save the universe. Watch people burn now, or tomorrow. Sometimes even I can't win."

Claire: "You pursued Mrs Doctor without a care for my presence, belittled my thoughts and opinions... and then proceeded to use my person as a human shield." Byron: "...And?" Claire: "And the spell is broken... my lord." Polidori's face: "haha you fucked up dude"

Next week: Shit Hits The Fan.

Ascension of the Cybermen

In lieu of a proper post for Ascension of the Cybermen, here are a list of questions we need an answer for.

Will Graham and Yaz survive, on a giant carrier full of Cybermen?

Who is Brendan, and what is his relevance to the story?

What is the Boundary?

How is Gallifrey in the Boundary?

How was the Master in Gallifrey, and not trapped by the Kasaavin?

Who is Ko Sharmus and why am I getting Yana vibes?

Who is Ashad and what is his story? (And why is his theme such a literal banger?)

Is he an actual Cyberman? Because I'm totally getting this impression he's human in armour?

How did Brendan survive being shot, and why did his non-ageing father and mentor do that?

Why did it look like a chameleon arch?

Is Ethan's tech-savvy just warzone familiarity or something more sinister?

Are there any other large human populations left?

Was I detecting a hint of romantic tension between Graham and Ravio?

What's up with Yaz?

Why did the Cyberium get sent to that time period?

Who or what is this alliance Jack is a part of?

How do the Time Lords and the lie of the Timeless Child come into it?

WHO THE FUCK IS BRENDAN?

The Timeless Children

WELL THEN.

While I gather proper thoughts on The Timeless Children, here are the questions I had from Ascension of the Cybermen, now with answers!

Will Graham and Yaz survive, on a giant carrier full of Cybermen?

Yup! Disguises for the win!

Who is Brendan, and what is his relevance to the story?

Brendan is a filtered overlay memory of one of the Doctor's former lives.

What is the Boundary?

An anomaly, as far as I can tell.

How is Gallifrey in the Boundary?

No idea!

How was the Master in Gallifrey, and not trapped by the Kasaavin?

No idea!

Who is Ko Sharmus and why am I getting Yana vibes?

A big damn hero.

Who is Ashad and what is his story? (And why is his theme such a literal banger?)

We're still not actually sure. Either way, he's an action figure now.

Is he an actual Cyberman? Because I'm totally getting this impression he's human in armour?

Yeah, sort of.

How did Brendan survive being shot, and why did his non-ageing father and mentor do that?

Because Time Lords.

Why did it look like a chameleon arch?

It's probably related technology! If the chameleon arch rewrites memories, this one just wipes them.

Is Ethan's tech-savvy just warzone familiarity or something more sinister?

Just warzone familiarity. Poor li'l bean.

Are there any other large human populations left?

Possibly! If the Boundary really did send them to random places, there still could be surviving pockets elsewhere in the universe.

Was I detecting a hint of romantic tension between Graham and Ravio?

Maybe a bit XD And now they're all on Earth, who knows?

What's up with Yaz?

Who knows?

Why did the Cyberium get sent to that time period?

Ko Sharmus sent it. Didn't send it far enough.

Who or what is this alliance Jack is a part of?

Same organisation Ko Sharmus is part of. Also, young!Ko Sharmus/Jack please.

How do the Time Lords and the lie of the Timeless Child come into it?

In so many ways.

WHO THE FUCK IS BRENDAN?

The Doctor!

More thoughts later!

Thoughts on Doctor Who - The Timeless Children.

...Actually, first thought is the title. Timeless Children? Hmm.

Anyway. That is... sure a literally mind-blowing revelation for the Doctor, yes! Like, damn, the discovery that you're not even the species you thought you were, that your adoptive parent spent lifetimes abusing and experimenting on you, that your memories were routinely erased by people you thought you could trust (including your adoptive parent), that you're literally the progenitor for your entire species, that you've lost who knows how much time and who knows how many memories... yeah. Damn.

What's an appropriate birthday present for someone turning ten million?

Also, huh. Amidst all the old lore and casual mentions (like Borusa!) that got mentioned - were they taking hints from the Cartmel master plan? About the Doctor being some kind of founding figure for Gallifrey? Not exactly written as Cartmel had it, but that big main concept of the Doctor as a sort of... foundation piece of Time Lord culture was still actually there.

Brain of Morbius Doctors confirmed, I guess. I guess even Four was going, "...the fuck?"

Cybermen = still scary. Regenerating Cybermen = felt somehow obscene. Like, no, that's just fundamentally not right. Like the TARDIS responding to Jack by noping the fuck out kind of not right. God. And the Master was completely and utterly magnificently batshit, like, more than usual, come on, dude, you know they'd kill or convert you the second you turned your back.

Still. Deeply, deeply entertaining to watch just from a villain perspective, completely Chaotic, and like... I do understand where he was coming from? His entire life is a lie. His entire life is because of the Doctor, who, I think it's fair to say, he has Complicated Feelings regarding. (Their entire interaction this episode was a giant power play. Like damn guys just get into BDSM and leave the would-be genocide and universal takeover.)

Tecteun = Rassilon, I'm assuming. Goddamn. Like they were a pompous abusive asshole from the outset, this just kind of makes it worse. I also wonder if Rassilon chose the Master specifically to get the drums because he was friends with the Doctor? That actually may have been something the Master worked out himself, too. I mean, I'd be pissed off as well :-\

Also, how many people know about this? I assume Gat knew, since she was implied to be responsible for the mind wipes, but was it like... a super tightly-held secret or was it something a lot of higher-ups knew? Because that's fucked up tbh

Thought on the Master. Okay, he's hugely furious that he's been lied to, that the entire origin of his people is based on a lie, that his greatest friendrivalloveenemy is incredibly special and that a part of her is in him and not in the fun way, but like... I'm also wondering if he's looking at the Time Lords, the way they turned him into their puppet, how they drove him insane for their own purposes, then looked at the Doctor - someone who has also been used, abused, experimented on, manipulated, controlled, and went, "No. This is an injustice and the Time Lords need to be punished for it."

Oh, saw a nice theory regarding the TARDISes - Ruth!Doctor had the original busted police box TARDIS. When she was eventually taken in to be mind-erased, they sent the TARDIS off to storage to be eventually repaired. The Doctor manages to steal that one, goes to Earth, and it immediately gets stuck again because it's still broken. Explains how Ruth!Doctor can have the police box while also being pre-everything.

I really want the Doctor and Jack to sit down and have a nice chat about being timeless undying constants of the universe. Also for Jack to get one of the spare TARDISes around. Be kinda funny if he got the Master's old one, given the Year That Never Was, but it really is just sitting there. (Poor TARDIS stuck as a tree on a random wartorn planet in the far future, though!)

Also, Jodie was fucking magnificent in this episode. The hurt, the absolute fury, the almost glee when she's telling the Master he can't break her, her refusal to press the button at the end (so much like Nine's "coward or killer?" moment!)... just... so good.

Beautiful post I saw here on Tumblr - the Doctor as the Timeless Child, making the choice to help.

Amazing post here on Tumblr about abuse and repressed memories. Even if the Doctor doesn't remember it all, the abuse they underwent at the hands of a beloved parent figure still informs a hell of a lot of their behaviour, but it doesn't define them. The Doctor's need to run = informed by abuse. The Doctor's desire to help crying children = informed by abuse. The Doctor being an inherently good person = being their own person, no matter what their upbringing, no matter what their past was. They made the choice to be the Doctor, and that's a hell of an important thing.

Extremely painful post I saw on Tumblr about the Doctor being 'hip with the kids' by calling her companions her Fam but hell if they're not more family to her than her actual adoptive mother ow my heart.

Also, the scene between Yaz and Graham was so sweet <3 I do want to see Yaz, at some point, admit that sometimes she's so terrified she can barely move, and to tell him what she came so close to doing when she was sixteen, and Graham to just go, "Yeah, but you keep going." Also I'm trying not to think about how Yaz would respond to the Doctor going off on a suicide mission when Yaz was suicidal just three years earlier because ow my heart. She knows that Ko Sharmus went after her, she knows the Doctor might be alive, but either way, she's just seen someone she loves leave with the intention of dying (and Ko Sharmus too, actually). Someone please give her a hug. Actually please just let the Fam have a big group hug in general.

"Have you ever been limited by who you were before?" "Huh. Now that does sound like me talking."

So, remaining questions to be answered next season!

What actually is the Doctor? Since they were found near the Boundary, they could be from anywhere. It's fair to say they now are recognised genetically as a Time Lord, but what were they originally, why were they abandoned in the first place, and are there any more of their original people out there?

How do the Remnants know about the Timeless Child, or were they just picking up on that unconscious knowledge from the Doctor's own mind?

Like... we're generally under agreement that the Master, the eternal cockroach, survived, right? Despite definitely being lowkey suicidal like oh, was hoping the Death Particle would kill me? Like the Death Particle was made by the Cyberium, it could have gone, "Nah, keeping this one."

What's going on with the Kasaavin? Remember them? Still out there, stationed all through time and space? And are we going to see Daniel Barton again?

Is something going on with Yaz?

Will the Fam stay on? (I personally think Ryan will elect to stay on Earth to account for Tosin Cole's new TV role, and if Graham and Ravio enter a relationship, he might too.)

When will we see Jack again? If he was connected to the Lone Cyberman arc, that seems... pretty conclusively finished, unless we're going to learn more about it?

Is it Christmas yet?

............so the Christmas/NY special is going to start with Jack using his vortex manipulator to bust the Doctor out of prison and get back to the Fam and it'll never be mentioned again, right.

"At least buy me diNNER!!"

#doctor who #companion love #best enemies #long post

3 notes · View notes

unravelling-the-world · 3 years

Text

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie. back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There��s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time. i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

#long post #hinatalks #we live in a society #fr fr #when i die....if god is real..i´ll end this once and for all. all of it #i am left with nothing but pain and anger.... i cant even feel anymore. i think i forgot how to

1 note · View note

jawnjendes · 4 years

Text

bonus: why is their luck in a deeply sad moment? | shawn mendes

some type of au idk man, shawn x goth ex gf

WARNING: there is talk of death and suicide in this chapter. read at your own risk.

AN: i cant squeeze this into the next big fic nor can i fit it into shawn meets bc everyone hated it so its a bonus in the gg story lmao also im starying the Next Big Fic in a few days :)

masterlist | annalise’s playlist

2026.

"Sometimes I think about the what ifs," Ann said, “but I like where I am. I like what I’ve made for myself.”

Shawn had to invite her over to his house a second time, because the first time left him with many questions unanswered. He couldn’t be mad at what she said, though. He was in the same boat; he liked the life he made. You know, without the crushing loss and run in with the supernatural.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” he told her, and he really meant it. “I’m glad we were able to successfully do our own things straight after breaking up.”

“Nothing like filling the void in your heart with work!” Ann replied with a giggle. She moved a strand of hair behind her ear, and that’s when Shawn noticed something.

He took her hand and noticed a tattoo on the side of her middle finger: The Triforce.

“You got inked?” he asked, impressed.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she replied, grabbing her sleeve to roll it up.

There was a sword on her inner arm. It was varying in shades of blue, and it also had the Triforce on it. Shawn recognized it as the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda games.

“All this is is proof that I’m a nerd,” Ann said as she rolled her sleeve back down. “I notice you have some more ink also… and that you still wear shirts half buttoned.” She pointed to his chest.

Her finger poked the exposed skin. It shouldn’t have been as tingly as it was. Shawn smiled and placed his hand over his chest.

“More than just that,” he told her. “But I can’t show you all of them.”

Maybe it was a little risky to say that. Shawn would have taken it back if Ann’s cheeks hadn’t gone a shade of pink.

“I could say the same thing…”

Shawn quickly came to learn just how many tattoos Ann had gotten over the years. A snake and tombstones on her other arm. Feather on her collarbone, roses on her shoulder. A quote reading, “...but I’m not anymore” with stars around it on her ribcage. Something on her wrist that Shawn didn’t catch because he was busy pressing his lips to her hips and taking off her pants, where he found another tattoo. “Lucky you.” He certainly felt it.

Everything about their time together was so familiar, so easy and almost home-like. Ann’s skin touching his. Her lips perfectly molding over his. The quiet, needy gasps they both released into the bedroom. It was like going back in time, and they were in Shawn’s Toronto apartment instead of his multimillion dollar condo in LA. It was soft and slow, despite Shawn pinning Ann’s arms above her head. He didn’t outgrow that particular move, and she still seemed to like it.

Shawn had never been happier to have been on a break more than now. Most one night stands in the past began and ended very quickly, because he was on tour or in between interviews or on a break for one day. This was one person that he didn’t want to leave behind. They lied down, sweaty and dazed, facing each other. It was silent, but not awkward. Everything had a nice haze around it.

That was also when Shawn finally made out what the tattoo on Ann’s wrist was. He picked his head up in confusion.

“Is… are those torches?” he asked. “Upside down? Just like mine… and are those my initials?”

It was simple line art, less intricate than his own. Torches in an X, with “SM” right below them. Shawn has been floored many times, and this was no exception.

Ann picked her head up as well. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Shawn looked down at his chest, his torches were exactly the same, sans the initials. He wanted to give Ann the benefit of the doubt, that this wasn’t some creepy fangirl thing. Some of his one night stands ended up like that, and it wasn’t exactly easy to forget.

“It’s for a friend of mine,” Ann explained, sitting up and covering her front with the blanket. She took note of the look on Shawn’s face. “Keeping someone’s light on beyond death, remember? I assume yours is for someone too.”

They were both sitting up now, and Shawn relaxed. However, he only relaxed a little bit because now it was time to get deep.

“Mine’s for Brian. He died last year.”

Ann’s face fell. “No. Brian, your best friend? Brian, the one who constantly took the piss outta me?”

He nodded. “He was… there was an accident. Flight of stairs. Instantly killed.” It was all lies, but no human would understand.

A hand went over his, squeezing. “I’m so sorry. He just, he just fell down some stairs?”

“A lot of stairs. I don’t know I guess he was running or something. There was no way to save him. People in the house heard the crash, but by the time they found him - when I found him - it was too late.” He had told this version many times, enough times to where he could almost believe it himself.

“Fuck, man. That’s… that’s fucking terrible,” Ann said sympathetically. “But I seriously can’t believe you just told me that.”

“Why?”

“Because now I have to tell you that mine is for Stella. Those are her initials.”

Stella Martinez. Now Shawn felt a little stupid… but surprised, and he was met with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t believe it for a second, but it fully processed in his head, and his heart began to break.

“Stella from college? Stella, who was your literal opposite and also your best friend?”

Ann solemnly nodded. Then she looked down. “She… she killed herself.”

Shawn was stunned into silence, the tightness in his chest only intensifying. The entire time he knew Stella, she was always so positive and bubbly. She was the opposite of suicidal. That’s why it was such a shock… and so sad. Oh god, who was going to tell Camila?

“When did Brian go to the other side?” Ann asked after a moment.

“A year ago last month,” Shawn replied. “And Stella?”

Ann raised an eyebrow. “Two years ago last month...”

It was a strange coincidence, but still upsetting. Both Shawn and Ann lost their best friends at the same time of the year. The urge to spill everything was thick in the air. Still, neither of them said anything for a while.

Instead, Ann reached down to the floor to pick up her clothes. Shawn’s eyes were stuck on her and that was when he spotted another word on her back. Nightmare. Small font, right shoulder blade, surrounded by a cluster of skulls. Then, he realized what she was doing.

“Are you leaving?”

She looked up, bra in hand. She was quiet as she put it back on.

“No. No, I’m not going anywhere.”

And she crawled back into bed. She made the point to keep a distance from Shawn, who was still naked. He was on his side, looking at the woman before him. Only Ann could have sex with him and bring up the subject of death. That brought a new point to mind.

“How do you enjoy death?” he asked. “I think I’ve asked you this before, but after losing someone and attending their funeral, I’m having a hard time understanding your perspective.”

Ann took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t enjoy the act of dying. People die every day in horrible ways. People mourn and fall into depression because of death. That’s not something to enjoy.”

“So what’s your deal with it?”

“I’m just embracing the face that it’s inevitable. I do that for myself. I will die eventually, or tomorrow-”

Shawn made a face; he didn’t like that thought.

“It doesn’t make it any easier when someone I know goes,” Ann continued. “You’d think with all the research I’ve done it would be. The ones we love leave this mortal plane, and all they leave is their absence. And that alone is a lot to process.”

“What’s the hardest part?”

“The what if’s.”

Shawn asked because he really wanted to know more about what happened to Stella. He had to know the things that led up to the tragedy, mostly because he knew Camila would ask for details, even if they were hard to hear.

He figured he should spill his side first.

“The last thing I said to Brian was to get the hell out of my room,” he began. “We were fighting, fighting over something so fucking stupid, and I was so pissed at him. That was our last interaction. He fell down the stairs because he was trying to find me in this big huge mansion…”

Ann sat up a little bit, hand over her chest. “Here?”

“Oh no, not here. I was staying at a friend’s house in London for a work thing. Place was huge, easy to get lost in,” Shawn clarified. “Brian, Andrew, all of them were leaving back to Toronto and I didn’t want to go just yet. Part of it was because I was still pissed. Maybe if I had run into him first before he fell… If I hadn’t kicked him out of my room a few nights prior… If I was less of an asshole…”

“Maybe you would have slipped on the stairs,” Ann told him. “Maybe you guys would have had an even bigger argument later that would have ended your friendship. There’s no way to tell, and sometimes that’s what sucks the most.”

Huh. Most people tell him not to dwell on it. No wonder Ann was a shrink now.

“Losing someone is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to face,” she said. “It’s not easy in the slightest. Besides, the grieving period takes about three to five years, so you - we - are still in the beginning stages of it. Thinking about the what ifs, what you want to change, what you wish you could say to Brian - all of that is normal.”

The two of them let those words settle for a moment. Shawn’s eyes were a little misty, and redirecting the topic was probably not going to help. But he laid his stuff out on the table.

“What about you?” he asked.

“Me?”

“Your what ifs?”

Ann paused, looking around the room. “What if I had put my Master’s to use and noticed the goddamn signs?”

Shawn watched her, hoping she would at least return the eye contact.

“I’m an expert in this shit,” she said. “I have the years of school, the degrees, and the licenses for detecting things like this. I only figured it out the moment her dad called me.”

“How do you detect when someone is suicidal?”

“In her case, she was elated. When someone makes that decision, they reach a state of euphoria because they know their pain is about to end.”

“But Stella was always-”

“Believe me, I know. I hadn’t talked to her since graduating in Toronto, so I thought she hadn’t changed at all. But I would see on her social media, she just moved back to her parents’ house in Florida, and she hinted that she wasn’t happy about it.”

As if Shawn couldn’t take another blow. Come to think of it, he never heard much about Stella’s home life. He didn’t even think that it could be a negative place for her.

“I was in Jacksonville for work,” Ann continued, “so I hit her up, and we met up for lunch. We talked for about an hour, and she said that I was always a good friend and college wife and that she’ll always love me. And my stone hearted ass just said ‘cool, you don’t suck’ and that was that. A month later, she’s as blue as the pills she took.”

“Ooo…” Shawn sighed, cringing at that mental image. Sweet, warm hearted Stella cold and lifeless. Call it morbid, awful thinking, but Shawn wished Brian looked like that in death instead of the bloody mess he turned out to be.

“Yeah. And her parents had her embalmed and put in an airtight casket, but that’s a whole other rant.” Ann waved it off and lied back down.

Shawn didn’t know what else to do except lie down as well. While sharing the stories of how their friends died, he couldn’t help but feel just a little bit closer to Ann. The first time they met, it took fighting tooth and nail to get her to open up. Now, Shawn felt okay silently reached for her hand, and tenderly holding it in his.

Both of them winded up at the same awards show. Both lost their best friends. Both got the same type of tattoo to honor them. Neither of them anticipated meeting again. This couldn’t be a coincidence.

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss @peruvian-bae @theprivatewritings

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x oc #shawn x goth gf #if yall r pissedt abt brian #it had already been establishedt #i made my bed imma fukin lie in it

43 notes · View notes

mklljhnn-blog · 4 years

Text

MIKAELLA JOHANNA J. CUNANAN

POCKET BOOK

Performance Task

HOPE

There was a girl named Marga who dreamt to represent the Philippines in competing Taekwondo. She is 18 years old and in freshman years of college. Her life is simple just like any normal student. She is jolly that people around her aren't aware of her condition. Marga has depression and her family does not know about it, only her best friend and her boy friend. She didn’t even bother to tell her condition to her parents since her parents are always busy managing their business. When they are together in their house house, her parents are always arguing. It affected her a lot since she is a soft person. Despite being depressed, she never let it affect her grades and always do her best to excel academically.

She has a best friend named Erika which she knew since high school. She also has boy friend named Aj. They are the ones who knew the condition of Marga. They are the ones who make Marga calm when her depression is attacking her.

Sir Kevin taught the students basic self defense to protect themselves whenever they feel the need to do so.

The session ended swiftly. The whole class was tired but their faces tells that they enjoyed every bit of the lesson.

"So guys, thank you for cooperation, I hope you learned a lot from me, I’m glad that I teach you guys" Sir Kevin gladly said.

"Thank you sir Kevin!" the whole class shouted out of joy and excitement.

"That’s all for today class, see you next meeting, class dismiss"

"bye sir!” The class ended with a bliss. Shortly after the class was dismissed, most of the students are leaving the gym. Before Marga’s group could leave, Sir Ivan approached her in a polite manner,"Marga? Can we talk to you for a while?"

"sure sir” Marga replied. She turned to her friend and his boyfriend, "Erika and Aj just wait for me in a bench near in gate”. The two said okay and proceeded outside the gym. As the two walk away, Marga watched them walk together. It is not a big deal for her but she notice that they are too close to each other. She had a gut feeling but ignored it and focused on what Sir Ivan and Sir Kevin saying.

"Marga, Sir Kevin need to tell you something" Sir Ivan told her with a pleasing smile. Marga cannot help but become nervous. ‘What could it be?’ she asked herself.

"What is it sir?" she asked to them looking clueless.

"I noticed that you have a potential in taekwondo and I need a student like you" Sir Kevin uttered with a smile. The instructor was amazed by Marga’s overflowing potential in the sport. He cannot help but ask "Would you like to be part of my team?"

Marga was shocked and flattered at the same time. It was the first time she was recognized by her own skill. Due to the unexplainable feelings towards the instructor’s praise, she replied "Sir, can I think about it first?" She does not know where to start and how will she evaluate herself. ‘Will I be okay if I accept it now? Can I do it?’ some of the questions she asked herself.

"Sure, I’m not rushing you, here’s my calling card, call me if you have an answer okay?" Sir Kevin replied with a reassuring smile. He handed her his calling card before leaving Marga’s astonished face.

After that short conversation, Marga went to the bench where Erika and Aj were waiting. She was planning to surprise them not knowing she would be the one to be surprised by what she is going to hear. “Until when will we hide this?" Erika asked Aj, full of confusion and pain in her voice. “Not now Erika. You know that Marga is not okay, I don’t want anything bad to happen to her. My conscience will kill me if something happens to her because of us" Aj replied in a calm yet aggressive tone.

After hearing those words, Marga ran as fast as she could, away from the two people who betrayed her. She reached a place where no one else is around. She cried. She didn’t know what to do. Her depression is attacking her and nothing seems to be right at that moment. Shortly after, she reached for the cutter in her bag. She started cutting herself. It was painful yet it brings her unexplainable enjoyment and calmness. It is as if by doing it, the emotional pain gradually disappears. Physical pain is really nothing compared to emotional and mental pain every one is suffering. She was overthinking. It began to rain. She has no umbrella. She is alone in a space of sadness and helplessness. After the rain stopped pouring, she went home.

When she reached her house she heard her parents arguing. She immediately went to her room and locked herself. She stayed there for two weeks. She did not go to school nor talk to her parents or anyone. She thinks her life is a mess. One day, her parents visited her to her room and talked to her "Marga? Are you okay sweetie?" her mom worriedly asked.

Marga did not respond. The whole room was filled with deafening silence. Her father broke the silence and asked her "What’s wrong? Your prof called us and told us you’re absent for two weeks" Her parents were worried. They cannot figure out what was wrong with their beloved daughter.

"Mom, dad sorry" Marga suddenly burst out, crying. "What happened?" her mom asked, becoming more worried. Marga opened everything to her parents. She told them the reason why she became distant, as well as her suicidal tendencies. Her parents cannot help but feel sad and disappointed in their self. They thought they were a failure as Marga’s parents.

"Sorry sweetie, we did not know that you’re suffering right now" her mom uttered in an almost inaudible voice. Marga’s mom is so close to crying.

"Sorry for not noticing. Don’t worry, your mom and I are okay now, we already talked about it" her dad reassured her and hugged them both. The hug made them cry. They cried and cried until the pain was gone.

"So what’s you plan?" her mom asked her. Marga sighed, “To be honest, I don’t know, I want to forget everything, I trusted them but they betrayed me".

"Why don’t you focus on other things?" her mom suggested. She looked at them, confused, “like what?” she asked.

"Sports?" Once she heard that from her father, she remembered the offer of Sir Kevin. After further consultation from her parents and their heartwarming drama, she immediately called Sir Kevin.

Marga spoke as soon as she heard Sir Kevin said hello

"Good evening sir, this is Marga, I was thinking of accepting your offer. Is it still available?"

After that night, she continued to study at the same time training in High Power. Her life was back to normal but unlike before, her bestfriend and boyfriend are now strangers.

Two long years after accepting Sir Kevin’s offer, Marga is now proudly representing the Philippines in a match in Korea. In two years of training, she became an official part of High Power and was held as the best student of Sir Kevin. She won numerous times and she had overcome all of her struggles.

"Marga, just enjoy the match okay? Goodluck" Sir Kevin cheered before the competition starts.

"Thank you coach" Marga replied with a smile, hiding her nervousness.

The competition was fierce but as the buzzer beats, the whole room was filled with shouts and overflowing joy.

“I won! Coach! I won!" Marga said happily. She was never this happy. The sense of fulfillment crippled throughout her body. The crowd happily cheered for her especially her team, "Good job Marga, we, the team and your supporters is so proud of you" sir Kevin shouted enough for her to hear.

After the competition in Korea, they went back in the Philippines to celebrate with their families. Upon their arrival at the airport, various media outlets were waiting for them.

"Marga, the press wants to have an interview with you, be prepared okay?" Sir Kevin told Marga. Marga was the main talk of the country when she won the title for the first time in history of the Philippines. She was a Filipino pride. She nodded in response.

During the interview, she cannot help but feel uneasy. The uneasiness subsided when the team smiled and cheered for her.

"Good morning Ms. Marga"

"Good morning" she replied with her brightest smile.

"How are you feeling today?" the interviewer asked. She started to evaluate herself, was she good? Was she happy? A smile formed on her lips. “I’m good” she replied.

"Can you tell us your experience in competing in Korea? What you feel while you’re feeling before, during and after the match?" the interviewer asked, intrigued by Marga’s success.

"To be honest I was nervous before the competition started because this is my first time to represent the Philippines. It was a big opportunity for me and I know that many Filipino are watching but that nervousness slowly faded because I remembered what my coach has been telling me, to enjoy the match. I pit in my mind that it’s not a competition but rather a friendly match. After the match when they announce the winner, I will always be shocked because they will call my name. It never came to me that I will win" marga said happily and with pride in her voice.

"So what can you say to your supporters Marga?"

"I just want to thank them for praying and supporting me, im so blessed to have them" she said with a bliss. She recalled the times when she thought she has no one but in reality, she has undying support from her number one supporters, her parents.

"What is your message to those people who idolizing you?" another interviewer asked.

Marga offered a slight smile and uttered, "I want you guys to believe in yourself even if it impossible. In this world nothing is impossible. Before I’m also a simple student who dream to represent my country and now here I am, I represent and got the gold medal for the country. Don’t give up, be brave to face the challenges in your life because it can makes you a better and strong person, that’s all"

The press were moved by her message. The interview session ended and they thanked Marga for her time. Likewise, Marga thanked them and offered them a big smile before bidding good bye.

Pre Test

1. Is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.

A. Depression B.Anxiety C. Bipolar

2. Is one of the most systematic and scientific Korean traditional martial arts, that teaches more than physical fighting skills.

A. Judo B.Taekwondo C. Karate

3. In a way that shows intense and eager enjoyment, interest, or approval.

A.Enthusiastically B.Eagerly C.Inwillingly

4. Surprise or impress someone greatly.

A. Impassive B. Incurious C.Astonish

5. The achievement of something desired, promised, or predicted.

A. Delinquency B.Fulfillment C. Neglect

Post Test

1.Who is the main character in the story? 2. What is Marga’s condition?

3. Why Marga couldn’t talk to her parents about her condition? 4. Who is Marga’s bestfriend and boyfriend?

5. What sport that Sir Kevin offered to her? 6. What happen to Marga when the time she knew that her bestfriend and boyfriend betrayed her? 7. Who is the person that Marga told everything? 8. What advice did her parents told to her? 9. What happen to her after she talk to her parents? 10. What can you say about the story?

04-21-20

1 note · View note

asking-jude · 4 years

Note

(1) So i've always had an overbearing mother, she has always been unnecessarily overprotective. Now i say unnecessary because i am a very careful & responsible person myself. I don't do stupid things just for the hell of it or anything. and everything i do do, i don't do behind her back. the only "bad" thing i do is i smoke. i'm a social drinker and it's usually only a glass or two because 1. i'm often the designated driver and 2. i dont like the sleepy dehydrated feeling after having a little

(ask continued) ...too much, and i often confide in her so it's not like i'm hiding anything. my phone's really old and it broke recently so i borrowed my mom's phone for 10 minutes to scroll through instagram and reply to a few of my DM's. she entered my room asking for her phone back and i logged out of my account and she started saying that i dont need to log out because she has every right to snoop if she wants to because in her words, i'm not legal yet. but the thing is, in my country the legal age of getting ur license is 17 and the legal drinking age is 18.

anyone 17 and over can vote, drive, sign legal documents and give consent. now i am over both 17 and 18. I am 19 but my mom claims that im still not legal yet because im not 21. she pulled the my house my rules card but i just feel like privacy is a right. everyone deserves it. when i tried to explain to her nicely that can trust me and that times have changed and it's not like the old days, she snapped at me (yes shes a boomer)

and the thing is she's always been a very stubborn person who thinks she's always right, she used to be very abusive and it led to a lot of self harm for me, i ended up trying to kill myself twice. she's a very difficult person. i would have rather died than deal with her but she's thankfully not as abusive as she was before eventho she's still quite problematic.

Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry that your mom has been putting you through this. But I'm glad you are still here and came to Asking Jude about your mother. It sounds like you are a really responsible nineteen year old. I am proud of you for knowing your limits when it comes to drinking. You seem to have your head on your shoulders. Despite the fact that you live in her house, you do have a right to privacy. I found this article that might be helpful to you: www.betterhelp.com/advice/family/survival-guide-for-dealing-with-an-overbearing-mother/

Even though you told her about the "bad" things you do, it sounds as though she still doesn't trust you. She may think that there is more that you are doing that you haven't told her about. In her mind, snooping is her way to check to make sure you are safe and making good choices. I've noticed when it comes to social media and older generations, they tend to think worse goes on than what actually does. Meaning, they may believe your Instagram is filled with nudity, hard drugs, etc. when in reality it is just pictures of friends and memes. A lot of that comes from scare tactics presented to parents regarding social media. It is advertised that you have to keep an eye on everything your teenagers post or else.

I am glad to hear that she is treating you better than before. But I believe therapy would be beneficial to you regarding the abuse you have experienced. It seems as though your mother has caused a lot of pain to you emotionally. Therapy provides a safe space where you can talk about self-harming and your suicide attempts. I also want to remind you to reach out if you feel these tendencies come up again. You can always call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255. I also encourage you to check out these articles on suicide and self-harming:

• https://www.samhsa.gov/childrens-awareness-day/event/resources-suicide-prevention• https://familydoctor.org/depression-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts/• https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/are-you-feeling-suicidal.htm• https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm• https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/self-harm-coping-tips-and-distractions-5696.html

Sending lots of love your way,

Emily

Asking Jude needs YOUR help! Donate pocket change here and save our safe space.

#ask #advice #mental health

1 note · View note

wakasagayhime · 5 years

Text

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult.

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly. but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after.

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017. the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame.

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day.

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself.

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you.

#glub glub #suicide //#self harm //#disordered eating //#rape //

94 notes · View notes

dr-gloom · 5 years

Text

To Love the Most

totally a vent fic

Fandom: Sanders�� Sides

Pairing: None

Words: 1,266

Summary: They said that to love as deeply and openly as he did, he must have grown up knowing immense love. But what he knew as a child wasn’t love, not really.

Tags/Warnings: mentions of abuse, mentions of neglect, mild swearing, mentions of suicide attempts, mentions of self harm

Read it on AO3

fic masterlist

like what I do? buy me a coffee or GoFundMe

@hungry-red-panda @neonb-fly @chemically-imbalanced-romance @punsterterry

People often spoke of how kind he was. How his smile showed unending kindness and his heart overflowed with endless love. They posited that he must’ve grown up in an extremely supportive, loving, nurturing home to grow as one of the most supportive and loving humans they knew. They whispered that he must have known love from a very young age to love everyone so selflessly.

It wasn’t love when his mother shoved him into a coat hook in the wall.

It wasn’t love when his mother would spit “eat it or starve” when serving him dinner he couldn’t eat.

It wasn’t love when his older brother stumbled into his room in the middle of the night when he was twelve and told him that it was his fault their parents were getting divorced.

It wasn’t love when he was forced into his first kiss (and maybe a little more, but he would never say) at the tender age of twelve.

It wasn’t love when others would notice the scars on his wrists and accuse him of being an attention whore.

It wasn’t love when he was left gasping for breath, sobbing brokenly and in the kind of pain no preteen should have to feel, his mother screaming at him from the other room to shut up.

It wasn’t love when his oldest brother would plan his military leave to visit when his youngest brother’s birthday was arriving, then acted like he didn’t exist when his own birthday came.

It wasn’t love when his family - his mother and his four brothers - all called him a selfish bitch.

It wasn’t love when his mother would scream at him for eating something he apparently wasn’t allowed to.

It wasn’t love when his mother would scream at him for watching TV in the living room.

It wasn’t love when his mother would scream at him for his brothers not doing their chores.

It wasn’t love when his brother told him, as they walked home from school together, that he should just die.

It wasn’t love when his father began to withdrawal from him after he came out.

It wasn’t love when his father celebrated his brother’s birthday, and he only got a happy birthday text.

It wasn’t love when his father planned family trips with his brother and his brother’s wife and only invited him because he overheard.

It wasn’t love when he went on those trips and was treated as a fourth wheel, unwanted and ignored.

It wasn’t love when he tried to kill himself and was discovered by his mother, who screamed at him.

It wasn’t love when he tried again a year later and she called him selfish, because “what would your nieces and nephew think?”.

It wasn’t love when he was sitting in the ER for 10 hours waiting to be transferred to a mental hospital and his father only showed up three hours after he got off of work because he wanted to walk his dog first.

It wasn’t love when he was dragged to his oldest brother’s home for Christmas and had to watch as everyone socialized and gave gifts, forgetting he existed until he gave them the gifts he’d spent three months making.

It wasn’t love when those gifts were found in a junk box in the garage two months later.

It wasn’t love when he told his mother his depression was getting bad again and she scoffed.

It wasn’t love when his mother told him to start watching his weight because he’s getting fat.

It wasn’t love when his mother screamed at him for asking a question.

It wasn’t love when his mother got herself and his nieces food, but didn’t get him anything when she knew there was no food in the house.

It wasn’t love when his mother screamed at him for spending money on food.

But it was love when he helped them off the ground after seeing them get pushed.

It was love when he would ask “do you have any dietary restrictions?” so he wouldn’t make something they couldn’t eat.

It was love when he calmly sat beside them when they’d cried their heart out confessing that their partner had cheated on them and he told them “it’s not your fault”.

It was love when he noticed how nervous his boyfriend was and asked again if it was okay, and told him it was okay if the answer was no.

It was love when he drew intricate designs on his friend’s wrist to hide their old scars.

It was love when he heard someone trying to muffle their sobs and, despite not knowing them, found them in the bathroom and sat with them until they calmed down.

It was love when he wrote down everyone’s birthdays so he’d never forget, always making sure to make them a cake and a present.

It was love when he told them “it’s not selfish, you’re taking care of yourself”.

It was love when he gave his friend his lunch, despite knowing that was the only food he was going to get that day.

It was love when he asked what the other wanted to watch and sat through movies he didn’t understand because it brought a smile to their face.

It was love when he said “I’m so proud of you” to someone for being able to get out of bed that day.

It was love when he stayed up all night to tell someone how special and important they are.

It was love when they came out to him and he smiled, hugging them and asking questions to make sure he didn’t offend them in the future.

It was love when he made his mother a birthday dinner, complete with cake made from scratch, because she’d been depressed lately.

It was love when he asked, “hey, you wanna come with me?”.

It was love when he made sure to include everyone, speaking to anyone who seemed like they were being pushed out of the conversation.

It was love when he’d heard they tried to kill themselves, and gave them a long, firm and loving hug and whispered, “I’m so glad you survived”.

It was love when they told him they were cutting and he said, “I’m so sorry you hurt so much”.

It was love when he walked out of class during finals review to cheer them up, even if he could only do so through text.

It was love when he sat with them as they watched their friends party and kept them company.

It was love when he took the number they’d given him and texted them the next morning to check in and make sure they were okay.

It was love when they told him they were feeling depressed and stressed lately and he asked how he could help.

It was love when they said “I’m getting chubby” and he smiled and replied “that just means there’s more of you to love”.

It was love when he answered the same question five times, because he knew they had a bad memory.

It was love when he texted “hey, im getting fast food, what do you want?”.

It was love when he told them to get whatever they wanted, don’t worry about the price.

It was love when he spoke the words he’d never heard directed at him; “You are so amazingly strong, so devastatingly beautiful, and so unbelievably important. I’m so glad you’re here. You are so loved”.

Patton Foster knew how to love the most because he’d been taught how to love the least.

#tw abuse #tw neglect #tw suicide attempt #tw self harm #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #patton sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #remy sanders #emile picani #deceit sanders

76 notes · View notes

prissypickle · 5 years

Text

I dont want to make this a sappy post or attention seeking but I just wanna say that the past 5 years of my life has been terrible. Actually its been terrible since I was 10 years old. Always experiencing my mom try to kill her self over and over again. And its been so rough. I was bullied my whole life for being fat. And yes. I am fat. I know I’m over weight and Ive tried to lose weight and its really just in my biology. My dad was 400 lbs my mom was 300 lbs I was born 10 lbs. so I was always fat. I was never happy my whole life. And thats jow it was. From a young age I was put on medication falsely diagnosed with ADHD (which was later diagnosed as bipolar disorder) so I got the medication and I would fall sleep in class. Thens some days I would talk so much. I would have three stickers and then I was only allowed to speak three times a day at school. Which was always unfair. In third grade my teacher said that I was the worst student she ever had. I had injured myseld a lot bu falling and I always was called an attention seeker. I moved that year to Portland. And I started middle school knowing no one. Ill tell you I’m not the most organized person ever. And Im a pretty dumb kid. I remember a few major things that happened in middle school 1) I got detention for being on my period 2) I broke my hand and someone made it worse 3) I read a book about sex and showed everyone. Well what do you expect I was in 6th grade. 7th grade rolls around and me and my friend melanie are in the same class. And I remember the 2 most things of it. 1) we were in science and I had to go pee and I asked the sub if I could use the restroom and he told me “i dont want any potty mouth” and I bursted out laughing. Then the second thing was in home ec there was a sub and she HATED us and we were laughing and she threatened to give is a referral because we were laughing. There were some good things too. Me and my friends made up food porn. Dont even ask because I couldnt explain. For the first time I felt like I had friends. But then something happened at the ens of the year. I was dumb and sent nudes to someone (not at school) and he posted them all online. And then thats when I started cutting. Thats when my depression started. So It got worse and worse over 8th grade year. And I had my first suicide attempt after they started me on an antidepressant. I was hospitalized for it and I was in the psychiatric hospital for 8 days. I went to school and DDHS told me that I couldn’t go to school there They couldnt handle me. So I didn’t go to school my freshman year. Things sucked. I was suicidal cutting and yeah. So I was just depressed completely depressed. I was diagnosed as bipolar disorder in the hospital and put on a ton of meds. I was put on geodon to make my hallucinations stop and it made me gain 75 lbs. so now I weighed 350lbs. So I started my junior year at the alternate highschool. The first year sucked. But I was so so happy my friend started there. But then.... during my junior year. She accused me of rape and drugging her infront of the whole school. It was awful. I had my third suicide attempt then. Not because I was guilty because I felt helpess. I went to the police for help but they said bullying wasnt a crime. I wanted to do a restraining order but the school police said I shouldn’t do it. Senior year came and I finally graduated. Finally. Life started turning around. I mean I was still really depressed. But fast forward a year till now. I was recently put on a new set of medications and they are making me feel great. For the first time in YEARS Im in a great spot. I feel mature. I feel responsible. Im taking my pills every day. Im one week clean from self harm. Im showering and washing my hair often. And I am feeling happy. For once in my life Im feeling happy and Im so proud of myself that Im feeling good. I’m getting a new pet in a few weeks and Im glad its going to be a part of my new happy life.

#story time

2 notes · View notes

thcbcys · 5 years

Text

Time to talk about my year and some people I’ve met / Been around a lot in 2018.

Alright, So I started 2018 off in the South park fandom, as I did in 2017 as well. It was fine until Drama started rolling in and I started openly talking about my problems. I got ignored a lot and Had to have some of my actual BFF’s calm me down at times. It had been a shitty few months in this year, Most of the people I use to talk to stopped talking to me, Blocked me or have deactivated and lost contact with. But There’s good some good memories in there, I met a few people I called my family and I love them dearly, I met my lovely girlfriend...and Ex girlfriend this year as well.

School sucked, I moved a lot and well I still don’t have any real life friends besides my cousin and best friend who I rarely see because She’s gone off to CEGEP / University ATM. I got bullied again and got called names a lot, I’ve gotten comments about my looks and my problems and How I always looked so depressed and down all the time. I guess that was because I was having a shitty time...I mean, I had been moving around a lot, I moved schools 4-5 times in the past 2 years and honestly I was just getting tired of being stabbed in the back by people. So This was the year I started cutting myself, Crying myself to sleep, being more quiet about being sad and triggers started affecting me even more then they use to. My family was being a bitch, My mother was making me her slave while she was on crutches, my dad and I fought, I wanted to move in with my grandmother, I wanted to run away a few times as well.

Good things that came out of this year actually was I started learning a lot about myself, Like Gender issues and Sexuality. I learned that I really liked girls A LOT. I figured out my art style and kept developing on it. I joined a fandom I was accepted in, Made some really great and beautiful people and Got myself a lovely girlfriend that I love so much. I moved back to my old down as well. I’m going to be graduating this year as well...So yeah.

Now Ig’s Its time to talk about some of the people I met and Loved this year a lot??

@stcrmclcud: My best friend, Holy fuck man. Abi’s always there for me and Just knows how to make me smile all the time. She’s a beautiful being that just wow...That’s been my friend for almost 2-3 years now? Like fuck, That’s the longest I’ve ever had a friend for man. This girl here, I would fucking die for her if she asked me to, I wouldn’t even hesitate. Just I’m gonna love Abi until she gets sick of me, Because holy fuck man,,,, Just wow. ily bitch, I ain’t ever gonna stop loving you bitch

@homeonethewastes: !! Darkness holy shit, You are the one and only true fucking friend to have,,, Like FUCK. This man here stayed up with me one whole night a few times because I was feeling suicidal and just crying a lot. He calmed me down once others went to be and just wow. This is the truest friend you could ever have. He’s a big sweetie who needs to learn that he isn’t ugly at all! He needs to fucking remember that I love him sm because GODDDDDD I would die for him too, Like shoot me for him, Pls just let me die for you. Our chats / shitposts are great and I love when we talk and shitpost, I jst love talking with you man. You and Abi are like the main reasons I haven’t left the internet RPC community.

@kahlvin-cycle: This man right here, This is a man I love. Fucking ALEKS, I love a man named Aleks so much like holy fucking shit. We started out in the middle of this year fucking shit posting, That was our first fucking interaction together ;; Door knob Dick Donovan. And then boom, We became friends after that jewbfew. Listen okay, Aleks is a big fucking sweetie and I love him with my whole heart, He’s another reason Why I haven’t left the Internet as well. His writing is amazing, His art makes me NUT, Just w o w. You need to learn to love yourself or else I’m gonna kick your ass. Another lovely man I would Die for as well. Just /Murder me for him/

@whitetrashugly: SUNI, My big brother,, This boy here holy fucking tiddys. I love him sm, Like??? You don’t understand???? He��s a big fucking sweetie, Has tired and probably still will try and fight someone for me. He’s helped me out so much threw the years, I’ve known him since I started in the South park community, And I will continue to be in contact with him because oof <3 Why wouldn’t I? Bitch ily sm

@creekbrat: LYALL YOU LOVELY PIECE OF CAKE. Guys, this human right here, ya this is a good person and I love them so fucking much. Lyall is a big fucking sweetie and just wow, A fucking joy to be around, Their art is great, I love their selfies as well just ooffff <3 I honestly count Lyall as a good friend of mine, Even if we don’t talk as much as I want to ;y;

@marjorinetenorman: Nyx, My lovely girlfriend. Oof I love you so fucking much, Like holy crap. You’re so beautiful and lovely and I just wanna hug and kiss you all the time. Like, I don’t get why some people don’t like you, Their clearly weird honestly. I don’t see what they see, you are a fucking joy to be around, the conversations we have together are fucking sweet and just wow. I’m so fucking happy to have you as my S/O and I just wish we continue for a long while. <3

@violetreflectixn: Rattie,, omg okay so like.....I started off being so scared to talk to you. And then you brought up that you were into Btd,,, and then I started talking to you ;y; I was a nervous bean. You were there for me when the shit went down in the BTD fandom, you were there for me when I felt like shit. Like wow, You really didn’t need to do that ;y; but you did and I’m like super thankful that you did <3 I’m like super glad to have met you!

@youbxstards: KITTY, You big fucking sweetie!! Aaaa!! This here, This is the best fucking person you could ever meet. She’s always there for you, she helps you when your down, She’s a big joy to be around, Like holy fuck. She’s like a big sister to me, A mom as well. She watched over me for a while and I was so thankful that she did. ;y; I believe I was the reason she came into the south park fandom,, So that’s a thing,, I encouraged her to make a Kyle blog after we were talking about it on another one of her old blogs.

@dcvotiion: mmm Jeremy, This big fucking bean. This big lovely fucking bean. I was so terrified to talk with you?? Like?? I was just so fucking nervous. And then I started talking with rattie and then met you and just oof. You were there for me too when I was getting harassed ;y; I’m so fucking happy about that like,, wow,, you didn’t need to do that ether but you did. You’re a big sweetie and ily so much. We have some pretty interesting conversations too wefhbjewbh even if they get weird at times.

@nathanthesoldierboy: Nat,,, Just,,,,omfg<3 This boy here, Ya I fucking love his to pieces. Like, Hes a huge fucking sweetie pants and I wish he would let me help him and make him feel better Like,,, Pls I wish to make you happy, let me do this as a friend. His character is just wow, Himself is just WOW. I love you sm like?? Even if we’ve been mutuals for what? 2-3 months now? idfc, I love you man. I just wanna talk with you a lot more tho ;y; pwease senpai.

@mayhemandmonsters: Code, You are a fucking lovable potato and I love you,, Like FUCK. You’re so sweet?? and kind?? and Loving and I just?? Can i get some of that. I’m still a nervous wreck to talk to you ;y; But I manage to at least have a conversation in the sever with you from time to time. :”) I just wish to conjure the balls to have a full on conversation on day.

@how-to-train-your-slytherin: Chase love sweetie, doll. I love you. You’re so fucking adorable and kind and I just scream?? Because wow, How can someone be so fucking cute. You’re such a joy, Like holy god, I seem to laugh a lot with the stuff you say and the interactions you have with Kenny. Just ;y; omg I love you,,,

@kill-me-again-im-still-conscious: Toshire.. I’ve talked to you for what? A few weeks now, I don’t fucking care. I still love you and if anything happens to you I’m killing everyone In the room and then myself. You are a fucking doll and just wow, ily. We need to talk more, We must conversation a bit and help me be a human being.

#☭ ;; OOC #New Years #I know its not New years yet for some of you #but idc #I'm tired jwfbwje I must go on my phone I am sorr #y

21 notes · View notes

nihilismdan · 5 years

Note

hey 🖤 finished your fic last night. cried my heart and eyes out as it hit pretty hard and close to home. i wasn’t sure to tell you but i saw your last reblog tags so here we are. i lost my childhood friend 4 years ago. it was his first year at the army-living his dream- and it was my 2nd year at uni when it happened. we thought we were all good that year except he came to home unexpectedly for a week bc apparently he was dealing with crippling depression so they send him home for a quick rest +

+ + all of us was so shocked that he was going through this bc he was the strongest at our perky little group. that week that he supposed to get his mind together, never ended in our heads. we spent those few days swimming in the middle of the night and drinking and eating the foods he missed when he was at the mountains. like the old days. then that night happened that i repressed for months to remember the details of it. i made him a coffee, his last one in this fucking meaningless timeline +

+ it was really late and he said goodbye to me and my cousin( one of his best friends too) and he said he was going to straight to home, said that he was so sleepy already, i regret that i let him go that moment. he didn’t go home, we learned in the morning. he wanted to see his friend who is in town, and grab a drink, he didn’t take his car he took his motorcycle. i still hate that he chose the motorcycle. he couldn’t meet his friend, he crashed into a car on his way, no one knows how it happened +

+ i still feel guilty. i’m so angry at myself. at him. we will never know how it happened, maybe he drove into the car because he wanted to die maybe it was all a fucking meaningless accident i will never know and i feel so stupid. i was so blind i couldn’t saw his aching mind. he was in pain and we didn’t notice. we didn’t help him, save him. i never tell these to anyone, never write this down. not even in my language. sorry for this btw i just wanted to pour my heart like your dan in the story

+ (this is the last one) i never get help for my trauma. i think i never healed because of that. i don’t know you, i don’t know if you lost someone, but damn. you have emphaty. you see things and you feel them and you sew them in your stories. that amazes me. i think i’m going to get help. i’m sick of trying to heal my wounds by covering them by myself. that doesn’t help at all. i have to share my pain, my guilt, my anger. i don’t know how i keep up with life. i’m living but is this living?

i’m going to answer under readmore bc it’s long

(tw // suicide mention)

i’m going to tell you a story about one of my friends i had when i was thirteen, she was beautiful, she wrote amazing poetry, her prose was like pretty fucking amazing given how old we were. we weren’t friends right away, but that was okay, i was pretty determined to be her friend (lol), and eventually it happened naturally, we started to tell things to each other, things were good between us. i think the reason why we were such good friends was because we knew that we could talk to each other about things that was going on in our life, she didn’t have a great family life, and her childhood friend committed suicide, everyone was kind of worried for my friend because they were afraid that she was going to commit suicide too. i tried to be there for her more–but i was only thirteen. (she was a couple years older than me), i didn’t understand what she was truly going through because there are just some things that we don’t know when it comes to the people around us–even the people that we love. it’s not our obligation to feel this way, but we can’t help it. we want to help the people that are in our lives, but depression is an ugly, ugly thing that can be hidden in plain sight. we don’t always see it, and it fucking sucks. my friend committed suicide despite having so much help and loving friends. because she had sooo many friends that loved her. but sometimes that’s just not enough. and i’m so, so sorry that you had to go through that. i think you’re incredibly strong and that guilt feeling??? its awful. because it stays with you and it leaves its mark. i felt incredibly guilty when my friend died, i had to hear that she died online when her mom posted about it. the thing was? i was camping. i didn’t have service (because i was 13 and the cell phone i did have wasn’t even really mine i just used it if i was going somewhere and my parents needed to contact me), i remember my last conversation with her was me telling her that i was going camping and that i’d see her when i got back.

i think the best thing that i can tell you is that, he knew that you loved him, and that you cared for him and always wanted the best for him. regardless of how he died and if it was intentional–i hope you find peace in knowing that he knew that. and it’s okay to feel angry about it. i was angry about it. sometimes i still get angry about it, and i get angry about what happened at my school, i get angry about the other things that have happened in my life, it’s okay to feel angry about it because it fucking sucks. it fucking sucks and it never should have happened. you’re not stupid or blind, you just didn’t know. you can’t put that on yourself. when i would talk to my therapist about my guilt she would always have to remind me, ‘its not your fault. you were not in control of that situation. and even if you were it still wouldn’t be your fault.’ and its hard to tell yourself that it wasn’t your fault. but it wasn’t.

one of the things that helped me cope was remembering the good stuff. because so often i find myself focusing on the negative and just kind of reopening that old wound because it’s so much easier to live in the guilt and live in the hurt because in a weird way its comfort–its what you know best, but i’ve been (still) trying to remember the good things about a shitty situation. like: she was so good at poetry. she for some reason loved white polo button down shirts, she loved putting on just eyeliner and pink lipstick, she really loved pizza, her favourite kind of skirts were checkered.

and yeah–its superficial stuff about a person, but those things are what make up a person, it was part of who they were, and that’s how i try to remember her. sorry this is so long i guess i just wanted you to know that i get it, and i’m sorry that it happened, and i’m sorry that you’re living with this guilt, and i hope that you find peace with the situation–and above all find peace with yourself soon. you deserve that. thank you for telling me and if you ever want to talk more you can definitely private message me and i’ll answer. i hope you’re doing good.

Edit since i didn’t see your last message: im really glad that you’re getting help. its really hard asking for help and talking about the things that are really difficult but im proud of you. and i hope that everything works out for you. my message above still stands--if you want to talk about it more, im always available. (: have a good night/day wherever you are!

#suicide mention //#long post #Anonymous

1 note · View note

wontonsupremacy · 5 years

Text

Paulina came back from the mental institution!!!! She’s doing better in Chicago and going to a different school but cake to visit and helped out!!!

I was most amazed when we got lost and she called me—SHE STILL HAD MY NUMBER OMGGG (she’s also still such a hottie with such a bae personality gaaaaaaaH)

It’s also Kade’s last day as Director for our Board!! All that yelling and shitting he’s done to ya is going to go away and it’s almost sad ;-; he cried at the end too. Love you!!!!

I got paired with Paulina the whole day and it was amazing to spend time with her so much!!!! Eeeeeeee!!! I have no chance with her but I love her so much haha hopefully I can get to know her more?!!! SHE EVEN SAID IM HER FAKE DATE TODAY CuZ she doesn’t have a real date— and I joked I could be her real date too ;D #SMOOTHIDIOT

Dnsjjdbdbsbs after such a mean week, and Jas telling me that my effort for care and the good times we spent together was all an abusive lie...this was really a pleasant surprise.

People have been so supportive of me and this drama, ppl in Kentucky as well as home, and I was really made aware of how cared I am by others and that I did the best I could and I shouldn’t ever be discouraged to be nice and honorable.

Life motto is to have no regrets, and to always learn from what I can!! And so with love and support I am going to try the best I can to survive, be kind, forgive and to aspire to be kinder, stronger, and to care for everyone I can.

I know Jas is hurt too, and that just be why they were so mean. I really hope they can feel better, be safe, and become a better person one day too.

I almost fell for their trap and beat myself up for thinking I did something wrong, but I think I did what I could have done and did everything I could with good intentions and while I have room to improve, I don’t regret anything I did and I don’t think I could have done it differently.

They were toxic to me and I’m glad that I got them out of my life before anything bad happened.

All in all, I will never stop trying to be kind, kinder, and someone I can hold myself with honor. I’m making improvements in my life by standing up and cutting off bad people, finding new ways to cope and to not be afraid to ask for help if I need it.

Yule Ball was great. I wish I could try to live happier and fight my depression, and live a bit more before I attempt suicide again. It’s almost unavoidable for me, but if I can try to keep it away as much as possible— I’m willing to pay myself on the back and hold my own hand for being a good pup.

Good luck me! And keep working hard. Don’t let yourself down and let’s try to keep it together. 2019 is almost here, and you’re going to survive another year!! Let’s start a new year by continuing what we’re doing and to keep appreciating and keep inspiring yourself!!!

Love,

Yourself— Gin.

#wontonsupremacy #selfie #events #me #blog update #motivating quotes #motivation #reminders #diary #2018

2 notes · View notes

bemyfriend-archive · 6 years

Text

Don’t Look Now (I’m Being Followed)

Word Count: 14.057

Parings: Lee Jooheon x Im Changkyun (I.M)

Genre: superhero au, college au, roommate au

Summary: Searching for some apparent place, where floated needles decide the way. I’d dig my heels but I might crack the ice, give me some solid ground. The frost sinking in my cheeks, in my fingertips, I'm frozen senseless, everyday is a winter solstice without you.

The super hero / roommate au in which one is powered by the stars while the other is powered by the frigid cold. When one half of the duo gets seriously injured right before a fatal attack on the city, will the other come to his side?

A/N: this was originally posted to a03 for the spring monsta x fic exchange, i’ve decided to cross post on here just to see how it goes, as always this is unbeta’d because i’m lazy, there is references to drug use and major character death, as well as mentions of depression and suicide

Links: A03 ll playlist

Dragging his half dead body (and entirely dead soul) into the public library, Changkyun made his way to the science section hoping for some sign from Hyejoo. It had already been close to a year since she destroyed half the town. The only reason he knew she was alive was because he still saw her stars in the moon-lit night sky.

Fading in and out of thought, he walked around in a daze as his vision unfocused. Letting his thoughts drift to the distant shores of his own mind, he was met with the confused face of a platinumed hair man around the same age as him. Probably entering his first or second year of university like Changkyun himself.

Watching as the other took out his earbuds, Changkyun echoed the motion removing his own headphones. The tense air between the two was filled with the soft beats of music.

“Can I help you?” Platinum asked, removing his hand from the bookshelf as he hardened his gaze on Changkyun.

“Um, I just need that book on constellations, the black one, by Hye.” Changkyun responded feeling his hands get sweaty for some reason. Why was he nervous? Doing a once over on Platinum he realized he was almost the exact opposite of himself. First there was the hair, second this dude was dressed in pale greys and whites, thirdly he looked way too kissable, his cheeks were too soft to ignore. Changkyun just looked emo, scary, and dead inside, (which he was).

Lost in thought once more, he muttered a thanks as Platinum reached for the books once more. “Catasterismi?” Platinum asked. Giving a small nod in response, he watched on as the other took the book off the shelf and handed it to Changkyun, keeping as much space between them as possible, he acted as if he’d freeze Changkyun if the two made contact. “One strange book for one strange, and cute, boy.” Platinum smiled, showing off his dimples.

Muttering a small “thanks” he could feel himself blushing as he walked away. Cute huh? That was a new one, strange however, he was used to. Putting his headphones back on, Changkyun walked towards a corner of the library that was soaked in sunlight. The soft sounds of some My Chemical Romance song came through his headphones, helping him fall into a trance. Pulling out a chair, he sat down at an isolated table, back to the sun.

“Mama, we’re meant for the flies, and right now they’re building a coffin your size. Mama we’re all full of lies.” He sang to himself as he flipped through his book, glad that no one else was around to question his (very emo), music taste. Continuing to hum along to the song, he began to sway his head from side to side as he read through his sister’s book.

Jooheon had no idea what had come over him. What the hell was he thinking calling a stranger cute? Much less strange. He was the strange one here. Who wore a sweatshirt in the middle of July? Jooheon, that’s who. Shaking his head, he put his headphones back in being met with the soothing music of Michael Jackson. Making his way to the back of the library, meteorology book in hand, he was met with the sight of the stranger sitting in an isolated corner.

Taking a deep breath, he braved himself before walking up to the table and tapping the stranger on the shoulder. Interrupting the stranger’s hums of an outdated, and surely classic emo song, Jooheon tapped the strangers shoulder causing him to jump. And scream.

Faster than they both could realize, one of the workers was shushing them with threats of kicking them out. Bowing and apologizing to the worker, Jooheon looked back to the stranger only to be met with a glare. Giving a sheepish smile, Jooheon introduced himself. He watched as the other lowered his glare to his book before responding with his own name.

Counting it as a win with the cute stranger named Changkyun, he sat himself down across from him and opened his own book. Despite sitting directly in the sun’s harsh midday glare, Jooheon found himself occasionally glancing at Changkyun. Everytime he did, he found the other basked in the sun’s rays as if there was a halo around him. He wasn’t sure how or why, but he found himself falling for him despite the two of them having less than a conversation together.

Convinced that Changkyun was in a world of his own, Jooheon allowed himself to fully take in Changkyun. He had jet black hair, black eyes that seemed like they held both the answers for everything, and questions that no one knew to ask. He wore a black turtleneck sweater with a white line across his chest. Almost the exact opposite of what Jooheon wore, and somehow that interested him more. After all, opposites attract, right?

Almost the entire day had gone by with the two sitting in complete silence, neither wanting to spark a conversation that could lead to something more. Between them a stack of books in a variety of titles, authors, thickness, colors, and topics acted as a wall. A physical boundary to prevent them from talking. Hearing Changkyun sigh, either in frustration, or annoyance, he watched as the other stood up and collected his books.

Continuing to watch in silence, Changkyun slowly faded out of his field of vision with his stack of books and a backpack he didn’t have before. Deciding it was time to go as well, Jooheon let out a defeated sigh as he picked up his messenger bag and slung it over his shoulder. Not wanting the school year to start so he could continue reading his fictional books and not some stupid text books. Picking up his own stack of books that he had fanned through, he took out the best three and returned to the front desk.

Checking out the books, he carefully placed them in his bag before walking outside. Letting his eyes adjust to the fading sunlight, he began walking to his car only to see that Changkyun was sitting on top of a motorcycle. Somehow he wasn’t all that surprised, all the other needed was a leather jacket (and maybe pants) to complete the badass look. Unlocking his car, Jooheon tossed his bag onto the passenger seat and watched as Changkyun took off down the street.

Turning on the engine, he slammed his head against the steering wheel realizing he had forgotten to ask for Changkyun’s number. Sitting up and rubbing his forehead, he let out a small pout before putting on his seat belt and backing out of the library’s parking lot.

“I have got to stop slamming my head against things.” He whispered to nobody.

Returning to the library, Changkyun sat in the parking lot and pulled out the book that Jooheon had wanted. Taking out the note he had prepared at Kihyun’s, he slipped it in the book and walked inside. A part of him had hoped to see Jooheon again so that he could feel the other’s eyes on him. It was an odd feeling, one that he liked. He wasn’t entirely sure as to why.

Pulling open the heavy storm proof door, he approached the front desk and handed the book to the librarian. Asking them to hold it for Jooheon, he returned to his motorcycle outside and sat in silence for a moment, lost in his own thoughts. Shaking his head, he started up the engine and once again left his (now) favorite library behind.

Within a couple weeks Changkyun had given up hope of hearing from Platinum again, but yet here he was, thinking about the mysterious man dressed in all white. Parking in the lot next to his dorm building, he made his way through the front and to the main entrance. Walking up behind the shitty makeshift welcome desk, he tugged on the chair Kihyun was currently sitting in. “Your favorite resident has finally moved back in, how does that make you feel?”

“Sorry Changkyun, but Hyungwon moved in with the RA’s last week, can you believe he hasn’t even graduated and yet he’s working? He’s truly amazing.” Minhyuk turned to Changkyun and responded with a smile plastered across his face, eyes in crescents. Giving Minhyuk his infamous death glare in return, he tugged on the older’s chair making him fall out and onto the ground.

“So cold Minhyukkie, I thought I was the favorite since I’m the youngest.” He leaned back, putting his feet up on the table (most likely knocking over a binder or two in the process) he put his arm over his eyes feigning a broken heart. Faking sobs, he heard Minhyuk groan as he stood up and started rubbing his ass.

Continuing to bicker with Minhyuk, Kihyun’s smack across his chest caught his attention. Sitting up right, he turned to the pink haired male, ready to fight back only to be met with a key in front of his face along with papers.

“Oh no no no, I am NOT having a roommate, I refuse, the school can kiss my ass. Not today Pink Satan.”

“Which Pink Satan? Me or Hyungwon?” Kihyun smiled like the devil he was before shoving the papers into Changkyun’s chest and forcing him out of the chair. Laying on the ground, he watched as Minhyuk quickly took his chair back and placed his feet on Changkyun as if he were a leg rest.

“He fucking what now?” Closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath of the Summer air, he let his mind clear, feeling his face relax. “Nope.” He yelled before standing up, only to bump into Kihyun.

“Hey jackass, put aside the thought of two Pink Satans for now and meet your roommate.” Rubbing his forehead, Changkyun looked up and was met with the sight of a man dressed in white with platinum hair. “Changkyun, meet Lee Jooheon. Jooheon, meet your roommate, and pain in the ass, Im Changkyun. I pray for your mental stability.”

“Um, I can show you to our room and help you move some of your stuff in, but after that I gotta dip out for the new student orientation shit. I really only have an hour and a half, so you know, use me.” He smiled and raised his arms, forming a T as if Jooheon was just going to take his body.

Peeking at Jooheon, Changkyun noticed that the other looked more spooked than amused. “Alright room 415, here we go, party room, whoo.” Letting his head drop, he pointed to the entrance before walking towards it. Picking up a suitcase and duffle bag labeled LJH, Changkyun opened the door for the other and headed towards the elevator.

Once inside the two sat in a tense and awkward silence as the old (and probably unsafe) elevator dinged it’s way to the top floor. Maintaining the silence, Changkyun led the pair towards their room. “Just so you know, the pink haired satan, or Kihyun as some call him, is this floor’s RA. He’s chill but just don’t piss him off ya know?”

Unlocking the door, they entered the dimly lit doubles room. “I’m Im Changkyun, or I.M as some call me. Second year astrology major, early entry right out of highschool, wears too much black, probably looks like I’m always ready to kill someone, rarely talks to people outside of his group, blah blah blah. It’s all true. I’m sure you’ve heard some shit already but take it how you want it.”

Setting down Jooheon’s stuff on the plain mattress, Changkyun finished his introduction. “These beds are shit by the way, you’re gonna want a mattress topper of some kind. Anyway, I’ve told you everything you need to know about me for now, let's get you moved in.” Giving Jooheon a soft smile, he tried to make himself seem as nice as possible despite knowing it probably wouldn’t happen.

Tossing the keys and paperwork in Jooheon’s direction, he stuffed his hands into his pockets and left the room. Closing the door as softly as he could, he found himself aggravated as he walked in the direction of the stairwell.

Entering the stairwell, Changkyun began talking to himself not caring if someone heard him in passing. It’s not like it would make sense anyway. “I know he checked out the damn book and yet he couldn’t even bother giving me the time of day, but oh nooo, at the library he’s free to check me out and look at me whenever he fucking feels like it. Look at me getting my hopes up again.” Kicking the wall, he placed his head against the wall as well and breathed.

“Seven seconds in, hold five, release seven.” He whispered to himself as he continued to use the wall as support in calming himself down.

Jooheon couldn’t believe it. Not when he saw the black-cladded male basically pull a chair out from someone. Not when Kihyun had introduced them after he had stood up, and certainly not when he was trapped in the elevator with the man he now knew as Im Changkyun.

Once he was alone in the room, key and paperwork in his lap, Jooheon pulled the silver phone case off his phone. Taking out the note, he rolled it over in his hand mindlessly before unfolding it. “Since you couldn’t stop staring at me - xxx-xx-xxx - call me instead ;)” it read. He doubted that Changkyun had remembered him at all and that the note was more for fucking around together instead of building friendship that could turn into something more like Jooheon wanted.

He was already whipped for Changkyun, just from his mysterious aura and his humming along to music as he read. The other had to have people over him all the time, he just screamed attraction. Those two thoughts alone had made Jooheon too scared to call or text him, but now he didn’t have a choice, they were roommates after all. Oh my god, they were roommates. Putting his head into his hands, he rubbed at his eyes hoping it would help destress him. It didn’t.

Letting out a loud sigh, Jooheon pulled his face out of his hands slowly dragging his hands down his neck in defeat. Taking a second before looking around the room he let his thoughts run wild not making any sense.

Absorbing his surroundings (aka Changkyun’s side of the room) he noted that the other had glow in the dark stars up on the ceiling. Some formed random shapes, others made the constellations.

Changkyun’s side of the room was adorned in shades of black and silver. On the walls he had hung fairy lights (even they had black electrical cords), various posters of bands and video games, as well as some polaroids, none of which had him in them. A part of Jooheon wondered what Changkyun got up to or what kind of past he had to make him this dark and closed off. Continuing to look around and explore the small room, Jooheon found himself wanting to know everything about the other, no matter how long it took.

Starting to unpack his own stuff, the full realization of just how much they contrasted started to settle in. While Changkyun’s stuff was black and silver, Jooheon’s was white and gold. A total 180 from each other. Sneaking a peek over to Changkyun’s desk to get an idea of a good set up, he noticed astronomy textbooks among a wide array of albums and unlabeled binders. Maybe they’d have some classes together. Smiling to himself with a new found hope, he began setting up as Changkyun opened the door bringing in the rest of Jooheon’s stuff.

Once Changkyun dropped everything on Jooheon’s bed, he finally decided to speak up. “Changkyun listen, I uh just wanted to let you know that I got your note. And that I never called or texted because I was nervous and I thought I wouldn’t see you again. So let’s start over yeah? My name’s Lee Jooheon, I’m a second year transfer from abroad and I’m studying Biology.” Reaching his hand out, he watched as Changkyun simply looked at his outstretched hand.

“Nope.” Changkyun said with a soft smile before changing into a (unsurprisingly) black shirt that said “Orientation Leader” on the back with the school’s logo on the breast. He had waved and walked out. Feeling his heart sink into his stomach, the hope Jooheon had previously was gone. “Fucking idiot.” He whispered at himself as he heard the younger disappear down the hallway.

Walking back down to the RA’s table outside, Changkyun now had one mission before his orientation duty.

Slamming his hands down on the table (and most likely scaring a new student or two) he was met with Kihyun glaring up at him. “Yes Changkyun?”

“I want a new roommate.”

“Too bad.”

“He’s too cute and kind for me.”

“Then stop liking dick.”

“Um, no? Have you HAD a dick before? They're fan-fucking-tastic.”

“Fuck off and go do your OL shit gay lord.”

“Says the one with pink hair.”

“Ladies, ladies, you’re both very gay and very pretty but we have new students lets not scare them okay? At least not today?” Minhyuk had ended the conversation with a threatening smile towards the duo. Hearing whispers from both students and parents behind them, Changkyun huffed and walked away knowing soon he’d be seeing those same people. At least they knew there was a gay community on campus now.

The memories began to fade away as he finally broke out his homework. Changkyun heard the door open only to reveal a bruised up Jooheon with grocery bags on both his arms. Standing up to help his roommate (and crush) he began looking through the bags. “Hey dumbass, you forgot the milk. Again.”

“Fucking shit.” Jooheon muttered as he dropped his head in shame, allowing Changkyun to pat the other's soft locks. Feeling his heart soften towards the older’s antics once more, he began to wonder when he started feeling like this. Helping Jooheon with the groceries, he couldn’t help but wonder how he had gotten so beaten and bruised. Maybe he really was the Ice Dude.

Slamming his head against the desk, Jooheon groaned as he looked at his watch watching the time go by slower than molasses on crutches. Up hill. In the winter.

“Dude you okay?” A deep voice beside Jooheon spoke quietly, a soft prod in his side coming shortly after.

“Changkyun, buddy, pal. I love you, but why the hell did you pick morning classes. Also please don’t poke me.”

“You’re squishy it’s fun. As for morning classes, I know we both always have shit to do at night so chill, you’ll thank me for it one day.”

Moving his head to the side, Jooheon stared down Changkyun with a glare in his eye. “Yeah that’ll be the day you save my life or some bullshit.”

Finally sitting back up Jooheon let out a small sigh wishing the time could go faster. Resting his head in the palm of his hand he glanced to Changkyun. “I’m gonna go to the store after class, do you need anything?”

He watched Changkyun look at his phone and quickly cleared a notification. “Just some milk, I’ll be getting back late tonight, sorry dude.”

“All good man.”

Running out of the lecture hall, Jooheon could feel his body temperature dropping. Fast. He knew everyone was staring at him. It wasn’t often he made a beeline right after class. Running through the parking lot he unlocked his car, tossing in his bag and starting it up. Turning up the heat and letting out a small shiver, he grabbed his phone and dialed Hyunwoo before driving off.

“Where am I going papa bear?”

“Still not your dad, you’re going to the east wing on 5th and 14th. Don’t die.”

“Yeah that’s as likely to happen as me working with someone new.” Laughing to himself Jooheon drove onto the almost empty highway.

Changkyun stood up groaning. “If you’re gonna beat me, at least do it in bed after wine and dining me asshole. You know, I WAS gonna feel bad about hurting you, until you threw me through a fucking WALL.” Hardening his expression he stepped through the hole in the wall and turned to look at it. “Looks like my ass after some good dick.”

“What the literal fuck is wrong with you?”

“Says the one out here looking like a fucking twink.” Taking another look at the red head, he smiled to himself. “If you get naked and put some body glitter on I might think about sleeping with you.”

“Changkyun, the more dumbass comments you make, the more likely he is to throw you through another wall.” Turning to face Kihyun, remark ready to be made, he felt something connect with his jaw. “You see normally, I would call that lucky since you’re against Changkyun, but someone has sex on his mind. Again.”

Laying in the rubble of a new dent in their concrete floors, he raised up an arm in protest. “Not my fault my roommate is fucking hot. I can get serious if you want me to Minhyukkie. Do you wanna see my pet Wolfie?” Standing up once more, Changkyun brushed the dirt and dust off himself.

Running over to Minhyuk he connected his boot cladded foot with the older’s chest sending him against the wall Changkyun had previously gone through. Hearing the crack of Minhyuk's body against the hard concrete sent a satisfying shiver through his body.

Grinning, he watched as the older stood up clutching his chest, clearly gasping for air. “I’m that good huh? I guess I can leave everyone breathless.” Changkyun asked with a quick wink, a smirk to follow. Walking over to the barely breathing man he could hear Kihyun yelling at him to quit it. “Do you really want me to get serious? I haven’t even used my powers, do the stars scare you? Maybe one day I’ll summon Wolfie for you.”

“Get. Fucked.” Minhyuk breathed out before blacking out. Feeling his body get weak and watching as his vision blurred, he flipped off Hyungwon. “Can you ever leave time alone? For thirty seconds?” He yelled, resting his head on the rubble of the half destroyed wall.

“With you around? No.” Hyungwon smiled down at him before turning serious again. “In about an hour there’s going to be something happening, I’ll send you the location shortly. Get moving.” Nodding to Hyungwon, he stood up. “You know this wall kinda looks like..”

“Changkyun I said go.”

Letting out a small sigh he walked towards the exit, grabbing his jacket and keys off Kihyun’s workbench. “I’m gonna die to spite you both.” He muttered as he closed the door behind him. Just as quickly as the door closed, it was kicked open by a furious Kihyun screaming that “He had better not” and that “He’d stay dead this time.”

Climbing on top of his motorcycle he pulled his jacket tight around him before putting on his helmet and gloves. Starting up the engine he felt the machine roar to life under him. Patting the side he pulled down his visor, completely engulfing himself in black.

Leaving the hideout, Changkyun sped towards the highway. Driving into the blinding sunlight, a map popped up on his visor with the location of his new mission. 5th and 14th, at least he wasn’t going to the slums for once. Revving the engine and popping a wheelie, he smiled to himself as he weaved his way through the parking lot traffic.

Arriving at the location, Changkyun was met with the sight of someone dressed in hues of white and blue standing over someone or something. Inching himself forward on the bike, he tapped the side of his helmet zooming in on the stranger. He had this itching feeling that he had seen him before somewhere. Maybe this was the new ice dude Minhyuk had been going on about.

Upon closer inspection he noticed the man in white had some type of weapon on his back. “Probably to help with physical fights.” He muttered to himself. How could this dude wear so much white? White pants, white trench coat, white hood, white scarf, white boots. Changkyun was seeing more white than when he came the other night.

Brushing his platinum hair out of his face, Jooheon walked up to the now motionless body that laid in a pile of rubble. Fixing the white scarf that covered the lower part of his face. “Listen buddy, I really don’t wanna hurt you anymore, so could you maybe, I dunno, turn yourself in? Please? I have an essay due tomorrow and its not done, plus my roommate is expecting me back soon ya know?”

Hearing a motorcycle engine in the distance his head shot up. Narrowing his eyes at the noise he watched the figure on the motorcycle slowly get closer. No doubt who ever it was under the famed Lupus mask, they were inspecting Jooheon. Squatting down he prepared himself to leave. There was no way in hell he was squaring off against Lupus. Not in this lifetime, he liked living. Thank you very much.

Much to his surprise Lupus had turned their motorcycle around, the moonlight reflecting midnight blues and greys off the mechanical body, along with the constellation on their helmet before revving the engine and driving off. He watched in silence as the picked up the (probably concussed) man in front of him. Throwing the man over his shoulder, he launched himself off an ice stalagmite into the sky towards the nearest police station. “Guess the essay isn't getting finished” He whispered to himself as he continued launching himself from roof to roof.

Arriving back at the dorm, Changkyun took off his helmet and threw it into his safe along with his jacket and gloves before slamming it shut. It was all a little odd. For the longest time he was the only super in this city until this Ice Dude showed up. The biggest oddity was that Ice Dude arrived around the same time as Jooheon.

A part of him was jealous of Ice Dude's powers. Ice stalagmites to launch himself through the air, another power that summons a small field of stalagmites, his weapon (whatever it was used for, or whatever purpose it served aside from beating the shit out of people), a frost shield, an ice grenade, and some type of ice blast. What else did this dude have at his fingertips?

It had to be so much better than using physical force and the stars to fight. Granted he knew he looked badass but still, Changkyun was allowed to be envious.

It didn’t make sense to him. Jooheon showed no signs of being a super, much less a powerful one with a skill set like Ice Dude. He was just, too nice. No matter how hard he tried Changkyun couldn't picture it. Hyungwon and Kihyun had also said it was highly improbable.

Usually there was only one super protecting a city or an area.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he changed into joggers and a sweatshirt before pulling out his homework. Sitting back in his chair, he pulled his backpack up onto his lap and propped his legs up on the desk. Shuffling through his bag as he looked for his assigned readings he felt himself get lost in thought.

What if Jooheon really was the Ice Dude? Their relationship could either change dramatically or not at all. Did Jooheon not trust him enough to tell him? Feeling his gaze drop he knew he couldn’t hold that against him. He hadn’t told Jooheon he was Lupus after all.

Who could blame him? Lupus was a scary dude that never showed his full power. The last time a full power like his was shown sent the country, along with half the world, into turmoil and confusion. What else could come out of a constellation coming to life?

The only time it had happened was when his younger sister Hyejoo had seen her best friend commit suicide, shortly after the incident her jet black wolf tore through the town, hunting down the people who had harmed her friend so badly. Once it all ended Hyejoo took herself off the grid, even cutting ties with Changkyun.

Finding himself lost in thought, Changkyun thought back to how he had met Jooheon and how he fell for him instantly. Chuckling to himself with the thought of Hyejoo indirectly bringing the two together.

Sitting at his desk, Jooheon toyed with the cowbell that he had bought a few hours prior. Why? Even he didn’t know, it just looked cute. It was a Saturday which meant nothing to do until nightfall. Leaning back in his chair he let out a groan of boredom as he wondered what to do with his life. Sure he could go train, but did he want to? No.

Turning his head to look out the window, he sighed again as Sol burned herself brightly for everyone to enjoy. He could hear the distant voices of other students outside, talking about the new movie they were going to see or some party that was sure to be a rager. All signs of classes and fatigue were forgotten.

Hearing a strange bark followed by someone shushing the bark. Deciding against his better judgment to ignore it, assuming someone had snuck their dog into the dorms again, he sat up and went back to playing with the cowbell. Lost in distant thoughts of stars and a black-haired boy among them, outshining them all.

No longer feeling the time passing, he turned on his stereo, soft beats and rhythms now filling the air. Hearing the soft click of the door unlocking, the barking was closer. Narrowing his eyes, he had the sneaking suspicion that his roommate was doing something stupid again.

“JOOHEON- CLOSE TH-FUCK.” Hearing Changkyun shouting he jumped out of his chair and ran to the door. Swinging it open he was met with the sight of the younger struggling with a hyperactive grey and white husky.

“You. Did. Fucking. Not.” Letting himself turn serious, (and a mix of disappointment and pride, but he wouldn’t tell him that), Jooheon was truly clueless as to what to do.

“I made a bet with Minhyuk and Kihyun that I couldn’t dog-nap the president's dog, so here I am.” Changkyun stated simply with a smile that brightened his whole face (a shit eating grin really). As stupid, idiotic, and ridiculous as the whole situation was, Jooheon couldn’t help but find himself smiling at the younger.

Dog-napping for a bet did have a certain charm. Allowing himself to laugh, he let Changkyun release the dog into the room with a triumphant yell, along with throwing his arms into the air. Checking the hallway, Jooheon closed the door slowly before turning around to face the younger. Seeing Changkyun taking selfies with the dog, he wasn’t entirely surprised, he felt more soft than anything.

“Take that fuckers.” Changkyun whispered as he sent the pictures and began playing with the dog after closing the blinds. Maybe this is what falling in love felt like. With the smile never leaving his face, he joined the younger on the floor as the dog knocked the cowbell off his desk.

Deep in sleep, Changkyun was nowhere near his typical dreamscape, instead he stood in the rain. In front of him laid six jet black caskets, all given military honors. The rain reflected his emotions, as if he had just lost something dear to him. Looking up from the caskets, he took in the appearances of everyone around him. They were nothing but black and staticy figures, all except a girl that now passed behind everyone.

Dropping his umbrella into the mud, Changkyun began chasing after the girl only to trip and fall into a casket of his own. Slamming his fists into the silk-lined pillow and bed of the casket, he let out a roar of frustration as the walls began closing in. He was totally helpless and he hated it.

On his way back to the dorms from practice and training, Jooheon was slammed into the ground, feeling his pulse racing through his veins and directly to his head. He kicked back against the mutant currently attacking him, he watched with a sense of pride as it flew a few feet back and hit a tree. Taking a closer look at what had suddenly attacked him he realized it looked a little too much like the Beast.

Curiosity piqued, he looked at it with a tilt of his head and narrowed eyes. Maybe this whole beast thing was bigger than they all knew. As a consequence of his short-lived brainstorming session, Jooheon found himself falling through the door of a run down (and probably condemned) building.

Standing up, he brushed the dust off his body nonchalantly. Jumping a couple times to warm himself up, he opened the now broken door and stepped through before taking his weapon from his back. With a quick flick of his arm, the weapon had activated and expanded to its full length. Throwing it at the mutant, he felt a sense of pride that he had successfully locked the mutant down by its neck.

Walking closer to inspect it, it had begun to retaliate against Jooheon. Flailing it’s limbs and letting out screeches of horror that could make someone’s ears bleed. The screeches had begun to turn almost demonic before they suddenly stopped. Bending down, he encased the mutant in ice as he checked for a pulse. Nothing.

“What happened?” He whispered into the wind, as the body turned to dust and disappeared before his eyes.

Arriving back at the dorms knowing he looked like a hot mess, Jooheon sighed deeply wondering what sexual comment Changkyun was going to make this time. Resting his head against the door, he unlocked the door and swung it open lazily.

Not bothering to take off his shoes, he kicked the door shut before walking to his bed and letting himself fall.

“Well you look like a hot mess,” Called it, “You good though?”

Turning his head to look at Changkyun, he took in another deep breath wondering where this conversation was going. “Yeah just a rough and long night is all, I can sleep it off.”

“Must’ve been some bomb sex.” Changkyun stated, covering his mouth as he let out a soft laugh. Feeling his heart soften at the sight, Jooheon felt a smile creeping onto his face as he fell a tiny bit more for the mystery that was Im Changkyun.

“Yeah, it really was.” He laughed back, letting his soft chuckles rake through his body he began wondering if Changkyun held the moon. Or maybe he was the moon. He had wanted to tell the younger who he really was, but he still couldn’t risk it. Feeling his smile fall, he rolled over and faced the wall before fading off into sleep.

It had been a couple days since Jooheon came back looking roughed up, more than usual at least. Covering his yawn, he looked at the clock on his desk. Three a.m, Jooheon should have been back hours ago. He was never held up past midnight, neither of them were.

With worry washing over his body, he went to his safe and took out his combat gear getting ready just incase. Leaving the room unlocked in a hurry, he took the stairs two at a time not wanting to waste precious seconds.

Once outside he ran to his bike, attempting to contact the others hoping one was at the hideout. Much to his disappointment, no one had answered which left it up to him. If Jooheon was in danger, he had to know.

Making it to the hideout in record time, Changkyun logged himself into Minhyuk’s computers and began searching the city’s cameras and traffic lights looking for any sign of Jooheon. The neon green text flashed across his face showing various combinations of street and camera codes. Finally finding what he wanted, he marked down the location and left with one of Minhyuk’s laptops.

Arriving to the camera’s line of vision he began scanning the area not finding anything. Pulling out the laptop, he started checking other cameras in a panic. A number began flashing across the screen and several cameras. “4155012x,” He whispered, “What does that mean?” Hearing a scream followed by a crash, he put the laptop away and began running in the direction of the noise.

Turning a corner as he ran, he saw the flash of a white trench coat across his vision. The person in the coat suffered another hit, this time into the ground creating a small crater. Unsure why, Changkyun felt angry, as if someone close to him was the one being attacked instead of a total stranger.

Once Changkyun had the mutant down for good, he watched in silence as its black griffon- like body faded to ash, the white armor from its face remaining. Turning to the body dressed in white, he faced a fear he didn’t realize he had. Jooheon was X. Picking the older up, Changkyun threw him over his shoulders fireman style as walked back towards his bike.

Jooheon made no movements or sounds as the younger carried him, or even has he drove to the hospital. “I’m taking you to Hoseok, he can fix you up, better than ever.” Changkyun whispered, more to reassure himself than Jooheon who was fading in and out.

“Stay with me buddy come on, you can do it.”

Jooheon heard a dark and somewhat mystical voice speaking softly to him. He felt weak, it was something he had never felt before. Helplessness? Despair? “Yeah despair, that’s the word. Goodnight.” Letting the darkness engulf him, Jooheon felt like his body was both falling and floating at the same time. “It’s like I’m riding myself through space.” He slurred, letting his head loll to the side.

Hearing confusion in the dark voice that surrounded him, he liked that voice. It wasn’t even a voice, it was home. Home was calling for him.

Running through the darkness that was slowly eating away at his body, Jooheon screamed for help. Tears started pricking his eyes as he called for Changkyun. Changkyun would always help Jooheon, he promised. In the distance behind him, Jooheon spotted a wolf with burning red eyes getting closer to him.

Making eye contact with the animal, a voice in his head resonated out the words “You can run, but you can’t hide.” Feeling fear sink deep into his heart , he got up and began running again. Finally reaching some sort of shore, He began to claw himself out of the darkness, only to find himself falling again.

A part of him gave up on Changkyun saving him, Jooheon felt his body jerk to a stop making him scream out in pain. Something or someone was holding his wrist to stop his fall. Looking up his eyes connected with Changkyun’s star-filled ones. Only the stars were fading, leaving the darkness of the void Jooheon was caught in.

“Did you really think I’d help you? That’d I’d stop your fall and demise? Or maybe you believed in the fairy tale of opposites attracting.” As soon as the younger finished speaking, the light from his eyes had vanished, and so had he; leaving Jooheon to fall once more. As he was falling the last thing he saw was Changkyun’s eyes burn a bright red, the color expanded like a lens flare from a camera.

Waking up with a scream Jooheon found himself in some sort of infirmary in a hideout. Or maybe it was actually the hospital. Looking around the room he was met with blinding whites, for once he hated his own color. Everything smelled disinfected and disgusting. Hospital, definitely hospital.

Feeling around his bed until he found a button, he took his chances and pressed it. Within minutes a doctor with pastel pink hair was walking into his room, clipboard in hand. As well as his weapon. Sizing up the doctor, Jooheon was debating if it was worth trying to fight his way out. He didn’t want to be medicated, he didn’t need to rest. He needed to defeat the beast.

The doctor began walking in Jooheon’s direction after kicking the door closed, eyes never leaving his. They watched each other carefully, it was almost as if the doctor recognized him somehow. Glancing at his identification badge, Jooheon whispered the letters CHW.

Sitting himself up, Jooheon propped his body up on his elbows, glaring at the doctor. Those initials seemed too familiar.

“Lee Jooheon, aka X, or as Minhyuk likes to call you, Ice Dude.” The doctor smiled softly at him, his features softening as if they were friends or perhaps lovers.

“Do I know you? And why are you looking at me like that?”

CHW sat in the chair next to his bed, crossing his legs and setting his clipboard on top. Looking at the clipboard, it held all the information on Jooheon. Far more than what any doctor should have. Information on his friends, family, Changkyun, his powers.

“We have a lot to discuss Mr. Lee. Let’s start with the failed experiment of your family, code 4155012x, also known as The Beast. Oh and we contacted Mr. Son Hyunwoo, we’re all officially colleges under the guise of The Code. Welcome to the both of you, now, shall we begin?” Hyungwon finished with a bright frog-like smile.

Changkyun knew taking Jooheon to Hyungwon was a risk, but he couldn’t take him back to the hideout. What if he found out Changkyun was Lupus? He couldn’t have that. If Jooheon was injured beyond recovery he could get Hyungwon to turn back time, he could be there to help him like he should have been this time. But he wasn’t.

Jooheon was hurting all because Changkyun was afraid of him finding out. A part of him wished that Jooheon had trusted him with the information on the beast, they could have worked together. But instead the elder was now in a coma while Changkyun sat outside his door.

He knew how it all went. Jooheon woke up screaming with severe injuries. Hyungwon explained everything to him while putting him under. It was bittersweet, now Jooheon knew, but would he remember? Pulling his legs closer into himself, settling his head on his knees, he allowed his tears to fall.

Drifting off to sleep in the hallway, Changkyun made no protests when he felt someone familiar pick him up. Muscled arms pulled his frame close, forcing him to wrap his arms around the other’s neck.

“Hoseokkie, thank you for employing Hyungwon and putting up with my dumb ass.”

“Go back to sleep Changkyun.” Before he could even hear the end of the sentence, Changkyun was drifting off to sleep knowing he was protected. Hoseok may not have any abilities or powers, but his hospital was a safe haven for the freaks of nature that had these powers.

He and Kihyun ran the hospital together until Kihyun resumed school. That’s where Hyungwon came in, between his watch, Kihyun’s powers, and Hoseok’s skills. Not a single life was lost here.

Waking up in a daze, Changkyun found himself on an old and matted pure white mattress in the middle of an old processing plant. Scanning his surroundings, he spotted a girl with long black hair peering over an edge on the next floor looking down at him. Jumping to his feet, he began chasing after the girl, ignoring any signs of exhaustion were now gone. As he ran up the stairs two at a time, a feeling of familiarity washed over him.

Once he reached the top of the stairs, the girl was turning a corner down a hallway. Cautiously following her, Changkyun couldn’t help feeling like something was off. Racing to catch up to her, he rounded the corner only to be met with the sight of her silhouette at the other end of the blue and red lit hallway. Stopping in his tracks, the girl’s eyes began to glow red, the light flaring out as if it was some sort of camera glare.

Taking in her full appearance, he realized the girl was wearing the same school uniform Hyejoo had on when she disappeared. Taking a small and cautious step forward, he watched as she took a step back. It was almost like she didn’t want to be found, but yet here she was. As soon as the red light faded, she began running. Changkyun started going after her shouting her name down the empty hallways only to be met with the sound of his own voice and fast footsteps.

By the time Changkyun had caught up, the two were standing on a helipad. Hyejoo’s clothes had changed into a black skirt and white button down, along with torn leggings and black boots with a short heel. Almost as if she had just gotten out of a fight. Walking towards her slowly, she turned to look at him, face blurred out. Once she began to speak, Changkyun woke into a cold sweat, heart beating fast.

“I see you’re taking on missions again.” Changkyun stated, staring Jooheon into the ground through his visor. “I have half a mind to put you back you know that? We both know I could easily overpower you. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the twink letting you sit in on our training.” Seeing Jooheon shrink away, a part of him felt bad, but he also knew Jooheon needed the rest.

The older had been discharged less than a week ago and yet here he was. Leaving ice around the city as if there was no issues. Taking one last look at Jooheon, he picked up the thief and tossed him over his shoulder. “You can take care of his bow.” Changkyun muttered before turning away.

Once Changkyun had dropped the perp off at the police station, he drove to the hideout, heart set on working out his anger. What the hell had Jooheon been thinking? The whole team knew he needed rest but yet he was out on the field. What fucking idiots. Whatever missions Jooheon was taking on, Minhyuk or Changkyun could handle it, they all knew this. But still they allowed Jooheon onto missions without help.

A part of him had wanted to yell and scream at Jooheon, at the whole team. But he had held back, he couldn’t do that to the others. Even if he had wanted to, there was no way he could hurt Jooheon. Until he could come up with a good enough reason for Jooheon to stay off missions, he was simply going to focus on school and his own missions. It didn’t matter if they were roommates, if Jooheon was going to stop caring about himself, then Changkyun would too.

Turning his heart to stone (ice would remind him too much of Jooheon), Changkyun locked everyone out, not caring if it would bring his own self destruction.

After a few days of Changkyun ignoring him, Jooheon couldn’t take it anymore. He knew the younger was mad at him, but he couldn’t help it. If he wasn’t out on missions he felt useless no matter what he did, even if the rest gave him the chance to get ahead on homework.

Walking through the halls of the university, Jooheon spotted Minhyuk and Kihyun desperately attempting to get Changkyun’s attention with no avail. The youngest sat on the floor reading a book with his headphones on. He looked calm and blissful like that. Feeling himself fall deeper into the black hole that was Changkyun, Jooheon walked up to the trio.

Kicking Changkyun’s foot softly, he was met with a glare from the younger as he pulled off his headphones. “What do you guys want.” Jooheon felt himself shrink in front of the younger again. That wasn’t a question, it was a statement. Changkyun truly wanted to be alone.

Looking over to Minhyuk who met his eyes, a heavy silence sat on top of the four. “Can we talk? Please?” Jooheon whispered looking away from Minhyuk as he let his head drop in defeat. He already knew the answer. Changkyun had only been like this once before, back when they had found out they were roommates. It was understandable then, Jooheon had basically rejected him. But now, He had no idea what he did wrong.

Whispering a soft “Sorry.” Jooheon clutched onto his bag’s shoulder straps tight and walked away. Deciding just to go back to the hideout for some solitude, he was unsure what to feel with Changkyun closing off once more. He had been so ready to admit his crush on the younger until the silence had become deafening.

Arriving back at the dorm, some hours after driving around without purpose (aside from burning gas and killing the environment), Changkyun was relieved to find Jooheon missing. Dropping his bag on his bed, he sat down next to the discarded item. Releasing a sigh he didn’t realize he was holding, he reached over to the cord for his fairy lights and plugged them in.

Laying back on the mattress, he could feel every knot in his spine cracking and releasing after a long day of almost nothing, not including classes. Closing his eyes, Changkyun let his mind empty as he took a deep breath, constellations appearing before his closed eyelids. The stars dance and twinkled, holding something in them that he couldn’t recognize. What that would hold, he couldn’t tell.

He was curious and willing to admit that, but he also didn’t want anything to do with the strange stars. Some of them burned black, others burned white while one entered it’s supernova phase and exploded into a black hole. Feeling uneasy, Changkyun sat up and clutched his chest. Opening his eyes, he willed his heartbeat and breathing to slow.

Stars burned yellows, reds, and oranges. Only in its last cycle would a star burn white, but why would one burn black? It didn’t make sense. Black holes only brought despair and helplessness. What were the stars trying to tell him?

Zoning out, he could hear the heavy rainfall outside making its presence known against the windows.

It was late into the night by the time Jooheon had gotten back to the dorms, with it being close to two in the morning he knew there was the fifty-fifty of Changkyun either being awake or dead asleep. Hoping for the latter, he opened the door quietly wincing when he saw that Changkyun had his lights plugged in signaling he was awake.

Sighing inwardly, Jooheon put on a brave and unbothered mask, as if he wasn’t disappointed that Changkyun was awake. Kicking his shoes on and putting them next to his closet space, he silently hoped that the other had mistakenly fallen asleep at his desk again, leaving the lights in.

Taking a deep breath, he walked towards his bed, tossing his backpack to the side as if nothing was wrong. Completely ignoring the younger, Jooheon simply went about his nightly routine as if he wasn’t there and watching his every move like a wolf.

“So.” He heard Changkyun say as if he was disappointed, or possibly upset about something.

“Yeah?" Jooheon responded, still refusing to face the younger despite his growing curiosity. Stripping himself of his daily clothes and putting on his pyjamas, he could feel Changkyun’s glare on his back.

“How’re your missions going?” Oh?

“Fine I guess, nothing big yet. I haven’t felt the Beast lately so there’s that I guess. At least there’s nothing going on tonight if that means anything. Maybe things are settling down you know?” Scolding himself internally for saying more than a sentence to Changkyun, he couldn’t tell if the younger was actually curious, or getting ready to bitch him out.

“I really can help you, you do know that right? You don’t have to have some sort of redemption arc like a shitty anime. You really shouldn’t even be in the field, you should be resting. The Beast could have killed you that night, but it didn’t. Doesn’t that scare you? At all?” Changkyun sounded both concerned and upset, it was odd to say the least. “I have a lot of anger to let out, but I’m restraining myself more than you know.” He sounded disappointed now, like he wanted to unleash that rage onto Jooheon but couldn’t for some reason.

Simply humming in response, Jooheon climbed into his bed before breaking out his laptop to watch some random anime or drama. He couldn’t preticulary care at the moment. He wanted Changkyun to do something, he knew the younger was angry at him but yet he couldn’t release it. Maybe it was because it was so late at night, maybe there was something else behind it.

Seeing the lights turn off, he took that as the signal for Changkyun going to bed. Sighing in relief, Jooheon stared at his laptop screen as images flashed across it, never really catching his attention.

After a night of hardly speaking, Changkyun woke up with both a black hole and a fire in his heart. Jooheon acted like he didn’t care about his own life and well being, much less the people around him. One of those people being Changkyun himself.

By the time they went through classes, Jooheon hadn’t said a single word to him and his anger was at its breaking point. Slamming the door closed when he returned to the dorms, he found Jooheon sitting calmly at his desk with music radiating through the room through soft beats.

“You really wanna know something Jooheon? Now I’m really pissed, you simply brush me aside after I offer you help and express my concerns when I didn’t have to. I know I probably sound like a selfish prick, but really I kinda am. You’re out here risking yourself to defeat the Beast when we didn’t even know where it came from or why. You’re always risking yourself and not thinking about what the people around you have to say or what they feel. I’m one of those people you know, I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines as you destroy yourself.” Waving his hands around in anger, he was just short of yelling at the older who still wore a blank expression as he stared at Changkyun with hazed eyes.

“Are you fucking stoned right now?” Not a single part of Changkyun could believe Jooheon right now. Since when did he start smoking? Much less without him? By the looks of Jooheon’s face, he was just going to take everything Changkyun was saying and throw it aside. As if his words and he never mattered.

“Your local space gay, me, starts the day, saves it, and ends it. Be thankful prick. And what are you anyway? Are you like fucking Elsa from Disney’s hit movie Frozen from 2013? Are you gonna sing me to death? Are you gonna Let It Go? Are you gonna-” Unleashing his full fury at the smoked out Jooheon, he could feel his eyes burning red as Jooheon punched him.

Getting ready to fight back, Changkyun found himself encased in ice watching Jooheon grab his backpack and shoes as he left.

Despite the two working things out like Jooheon forced (ended was more like it), Changkyun still avoided the other as much as he could. Both in the dorms and in the field. He wasn’t going to standby and watch as Jooheon destroyed himself little by little letting this investigation and hunt get the best of him.

Tapping his foot along to the beat of his music, Changkyun finished up the last of his homework before stretching out. Letting his muscles relax, he released the breath he was holding. Allowing his head to fall back he closed his eyes and enjoyed the soft beats of some early 90’s pop rock song he couldn’t name at the moment.

Pulling his limbs back towards himself, he stood up and cracked his neck and back. Groaning, he walked to his bed and dropped himself on top. It was a successful day, his homework was done early, a professor was too hungover to come to class, a fire alarm went off in his second class and ended it, and he had managed to avoid everyone he knew all day.

The sun had finally begun to set as dinner thoughts began going through his mind. Maybe he would order something nice for once instead of cup noodles. Sushi. That’s what he’d get, yeah that sounded perfect. Sushi, a solid horror movie, and a face mask to destress and relax. “Thank fuck for Fridays.” He whispered as he smiled into his pillow and curled up into himself.

Losing himself in his thoughts and now tuned-out music, he let himself drift. Just when he felt his stress melting away into nothing, the door was unlocked and opened. Rolling onto his back and laying down a leg, he covered his face with a pillow now hearing the music he once had tuned out. He had never thought that Jooheon coming back would ruin a night, but it did.

Taking off his headphones he tossed them onto his desk with a small clatter. Sighing softly he stood up and looked for socially acceptable pants before putting in an order for sushi online. Hearing a soft “Hey” as he finally found a cleanish pair, he responded with a questioning hum.

“I have a question for you.” Jooheon stated, still in a soft tone. Jumping a little to get into his skinny jeans, Changkyun turned and looked at the older. He was looking at the ground like he was ashamed of something, and he still wore his combat outfit minus the scarf and weapon.

“You know, you have balls walking around in that thing knowing people could recognize you. Anyway, question, shoot.” Changkyun responded flatly with an uninterested tone a he pulled on a pair of partially destroyed converse.

“Well uh,” Glancing at Jooheon once more (who still stood in the doorway looking nervous), he noticed the other was playing with his hands as if he was scared. “You of all people know that I’m not exactly in the best position to be back in the field and fighting-”

“But yet you are.” He cut him off, not caring about disrespect. If Jooheon could ignore Changkyun’s well justified worries and fears, then he could put up with the tiniest amount of disrespect.

“Would you be able to help me with the Beast investigation?” Looking at the older in false shock, Changkyun mustered up the most sarcastic voice he could.

“Wow, the great Lee Jooheon aka X, aka Ice Dude, aka Prince Elsa, asking for help? Who died and replaced you.” Bringing out his more dramatic self, he covered his eyes and pretended to sob as he got down on one knee.

“Oh dearest Lee Jooheon please come back to me, I know I was ever so rude but please. An imposter now stands in thou’s place, someone who simply does not belong in this court of heroism and utmost honor! Our Ice Prince is missing, someone please alert the watch! Inform the council, we must set out search parties at once! He must have been kidnapped! Yes! That must simply be it! Our Jooheon would never run off alone! He is in danger!”

Finishing his act, Changkyun slipped on his other shoe and tied it quickly before standing up and grabbing his phone. “But seriously, who are you and what did you do with Jooheon. The Jooheon I know breaks my heart and works alone.” Stuffing his phone in his pocket, he grabbed his keys and wallet, opting out of his helmet and jacket.

“Have fun looking for someone who can actually help. That’s like me actually finding my sister.” Chuckling to himself, he walked out the door and slammed it shut.

After hours of arguing and fighting the two had somehow resolved everything, it became hard for Changkyun to remember why he was angry. Fuck he was whipped. Jooheon had revealed that he felt the Beast was his responsibility despite not really knowing why, and because of that he was taking on missions to get stronger wanting to shoulder the responsibility alone.

Changkyun was having none of it. The argument had ended in tears from both as well as an unexpected kiss that had felt all too right. After spending the night together, he awoke to the sight of a shirtless Jooheon in his bed. It was a sight that he could get used to.

Nuzzling the older awake for classes, Changkyun kissed his neck and jaw softly whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Eventually he had given up, opting for just dragging the other into the shower and waking him up that way. Instead of getting a lovey dovey Jooheon, he had gotten a salty and tired Jooheon, either way Changkyun was happy.

Going through their daily routine of classes, Changkyun noticed Jooheon began looking uneasy at one point, something had to be coming. Sure enough at the end of the day Jooheon had admitted he felt another Beast attack coming, but this time instead of being unnaturally cold, Jooheon had wanted to throw up and rip off his clothes as if his body was burning.

He could feel Jooheon’s grip tightening around his waist as Changkyun drove them into the storm. “Don’t be scared Heony, I’m not gonna hurt you, and I won’t let the Beast hurt you.” Feeling Jooheon nod into his back, Changkyun let a smile slip onto his face.

By the time they had arrived, he Beast was ravishing and destroying both everyone, and everything. With a quick phone call, the others were on their way to the fight. It would be a first to have the whole team fighting together, with the obvious exception of Hoseok and Hyunwoo.

Minhyuk had just taken a heavy hit and flew right into Changkyun. The cracking of bone was anything but a lovely sound, but they had to do this. The majority of the city had been evacuated thanks to Hyunwoo and Hoseok, others proclaimed that they’d never listen to a bunch of rag-tag teenagers and their crazy ideas. Serves them right if you asked Changkyun.

Dropping Minhyuk from his arms, he ran at the beast feeling the air flow through his hair. Jumping off one of Jooheon’s stalagmites, he focused the darkness both around him, and in him, into his fist. Hitting the Beast square in the chest, it stumbled a couple feet back as Changkyun fell back to the Earth.

Nighttime was quickly beginning to fall upon the fight. Hyungwon was trying to amplify him. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Jooheon near the Beast’s feet attempting to slow him down. Looking behind him, Minhyuk was standing up in Kihyun’s pale aura that was currently healing the older of the two. Running towards them as fast as he could, Changkyun was jumping over the rubble of the fight when he heard a roar.

“No.” He whispered, knowing what it meant. It was something Jooheon had mentioned before, that the beast could summon lightning storms as it pleased.

A blinding lightning bolt struck the ground where Minhyuk and Kihyun had stood. Hearing their screams, Changkyun screamed out for them. Again he was too late, always a little too late.

Growling, he could feel the stars taking over his body, ready to unleash a celestial rage against the Beast that had just killed two of his friends. Scratch that, the Beast that had just killed his family. Hearing Hyungwon yelling at him to stop, he could feel the constellations ripping through his body, supernovas imploding and creating new stars. Purely to fuel his rage.

He could still hear Hyungwon yelling at him to stop and calm down, that they could fix this. They always could. A new voice rang through his ears. Jooheon yelling now or never at him. Allowing himself to be consumed, stars fell from his eyes as the Beast let out another roar. Darkness began surrounding it, the five story Beast was almost completely cloaked in the dark, snuffing out the stars.

Hearing glass shatter as another bolt struck the ground, he knew Hyungwon was gone. It was just him and Jooheon. The faces of now deceased family flashed in front of his eyes. Hoseok. Hyunwoo. Minhyuk. Kihyun. Hyungwon. All of them, gone and dead.

Taking his time, Changkyun let the stars swirl around him as he screamed at the sky letting out his rage. He knew Jooheon was looking at him in horror. This was the older brother of the monster who destroyed an entire town after all. He could feel himself being lifted off the ground as he accepted the night sky into his body.

A cloud of dark matter surrounded him as he forced himself back to the ground, walking towards the Beast. It was finally breaking free of Jooheon’s ice. The Beast threw it’s fists to the building Jooheon was in with a silent roar, as if it was taking in a deep breath. Racing towards the building Changkyun could see Jooheon’s unconscious body falling towards the ground, and fast.

By the time he reached Jooheon, there was no sign of a pulse. Cradling him close, he looked into Jooheon’s now lifeless and blown out eyes. It was almost as if they had burned out. His pupils were unnaturally big and the rest of his body was slack.

Letting the anger wash over his body, Changkyun let out a roar and feels the air around him get hot and heavy. Letting his vision darken, he raised his hand summoning Lupus. “Meet wolfie bitch.” He muttered before charging at the beast with the wolf at his side. No longer in control he let the constellation wreck havoc on the beast.

Every cell of his being screamed for Jooheon but he was gone now, his crew? Gone. Hell, even Jooheon’s crew was gone. They had all lost their lives trying to kill this damned thing and it was about time he let loose. He just needed his sister first.

Picking up Jooheon’s lifeless body, he carried the older back to his motorcycle before climbing on. Sitting Jooheon in front of him, Changkyun pulled on his helmet before looking back at the beast once more. Tears pricked at his eyes as his wolf dealt damage to the beast. Starting up the engine, he pulled Jooheon as close as he could, nuzzling into his neck, no longer feeling a pulse.

“I’m sorry Heony.” He whispered as he revved the engine. Turning the motorcycle around to face the beast, Changkyun drove towards it. Hearing the wolf howl and cry as it went to town, he called it off watching it fade back into stars. “I’ll be back for you guys.” Changkyun whispered to his lost family.

After driving for a few hours (and most likely getting weird looks), Changkyun found himself standing in front of Jooheon’s family house. Getting off the bike, he took Jooheon into his arms bridal style. Walking the path that led to the house, he didn’t know what to feel. Sad? Angry? Denial? He couldn’t choose. Death happened to everyone, but why him and why now? When everyone needed him most? When Changkyun needed him most.

Knocking on the door, he wasn’t expecting anyone to answer, it was close to four in the morning after all. The only people awake were either coming back from a party, or students who had spent the whole night studying or gaming. To his surprise, Jooheon’s mother had answered the door. She had gasped in surprise, most likely not knowing just what exactly her son got up to at night.

“Please, come in.” She whispered, tears evident in her eyes. Nodding, Changkyun walked in being careful not to make too much noise. “Wh-what happened? Why is he dressed like that ice hero?” Understanding that the woman was in shock, he laid Jooheon on the couch before removing the older’s scarf and hood.

Sitting on the floor in front of the couch, Changkyun leaned his head back as he held the tears at bay. He could do this. Taking off his helmet, he rested it beside him and pulled his knees close. “Changkyun. Please.” He heard a whisper. However, it wasn’t the voice he had wanted to hear.

“It’s my fault Mrs. Lee, I wasn’t strong enough and too afraid of myself. I couldn’t protect him.” Finally letting the tears fall, he felt a pair of arms around him. “It's okay sweetie, I still have one son left. We can make it through.” He could feel the gentle sobbing of the woman, holding her close he allowed himself to cry as he sank into her touch.

“Stay tonight, and please rest.” Mrs. Lee whispered, looking towards the ground as she wiped her eyes.

“I can’t, I need to get back and figure out how I’m going to end all of this. No one else needs to die.”

“I wasn’t asking Changkyun, you can sleep in the guest bedroom or in Jooheon’s.” He watched in silence as the woman stood up and walked upstairs, clearly avoiding the sight of her only, and now deceased, son. He knew she didn’t react much, he didn’t either, maybe they were both denying everything. Wishing it was all a nightmare. If it was, at least then he could blame the stars.

Standing up, he kicked his helmet across the room in a short burst of rage. Rubbing the aches from his legs, he pulled out his phone and checked the time. Five fourteen in the morning. He stood wordless over Jooheon before taking off his weapon pack.

Throwing the dual pronged weapon to the floor, it made a noise making it clear that Changkyun had scratched the floor. Next, he tossed the backpack on top of it, vowing to destroy both. Sitting up the now pale and blue body, he removed the trench coat and allowed it to fall to the wooden floors.

Squatting down, Changkyun began to unlace the combat boots. He always found it funny how the two of them had matching boots, just in different colors. Adding them to the pile, he moved to pull off the scarf. Folding it neatly, he decided to keep it safe, either for himself or for Mrs. Lee. Placing it gently on a side table, he started taking off Jooheon’s broken chest guard. He never knew what the blue lights, that no longer shined, were for. Probably just to look cool. It seemed like something Jooheon would do after all.

Feeling himself tear up once again, Changkyun began wishing he was stronger or just more apathetic. At least then he wouldn’t be tearing up every ten minutes. Dropping the broken chest guard, he was met with the sight of the hole where Jooheon’s heart should be. Feeling his empty stomach swell, he ran to the bathroom and threw up stomach acid and water.

When was the last time he had eaten? At least two days ago now. “No wonder I couldn’t protect him, I’m a fucking mess.” Flushing the toilet, Changkyun dragged himself to the sink, cleaning his mouth and hands. Staring at himself, he found his own eyes now lifeless and dull, almost like he had died along with Jooheon. “Fuckin should have.” He responded to his own thoughts.

Closing the bathroom door behind him, Changkyun stared at the ground as he felt another breakdown coming on. The silence screamed that Jooheon was gone. All he was living for now was to kill that damned beast. There was nothing else.

Making his way back to the living room, he sat on the floor once again, this time resting his arms on Jooheon’s legs. “The stars were always so pale next to your eyes, even when I pissed you off, they challenged Sol herself. I can’t tell if this is my death, or my rebirth. Please wait for me.”

Wiping away his tears, Changkyun picked up Jooheon, who was now in a t-shirt and his thick combat pants, and carried him back to his room. Mindlessly talking to Jooheon in a small and toneless voice, he felt himself losing his soul. He was unsure of when it happened, but the older had become his Sol. Someone he needed to survive, and now he was gone.

Gently kicking open Jooheon’s door, he walked towards the bed setting down the older before pulling up the sheets. Pulling them over Jooheon, Changkyun began undressing. Staring at his scars, he wondered when it had become like this. No one told them use their powers, no one told them to stand out. They just, did. They asked for this life, no one forced them. “We were idiots weren't we?” He whispered to no one particular.

Getting under the covers, he pulled Jooheon close like he had so many times before. Nuzzling into the icy neck, he his tears fall once more until he finally drifted off.

The next morning, Changkyun woke to Jooheon’s still body. The older was paler now and his lips were beginning to tint blue. He looked like a fallen angel like this. Dressed in white, platinum hair laid flat against the pillow. Pulling himself close to Jooheon again, he could feel himself beginning to accept that Jooheon was in fact, gone.

“It feels like a dream you know? Your pale skin, closed eyes, lips turning blue. It’s hauntingly unnatural, almost like a dream.” Pausing to take a breath, he brushed some of the hair off Jooheon’s forehead. “You got me, and I had you, things that we got never flew. Please wake me up from this dream. After losing you, my entire body, and my illusions made by my folly. Let me call you once more even if it’s a fantasy, you were always my dream.”

Kissing Jooheon’s cheek, he allowed himself to linger, lost in thought. Thoughts of what could have been, no, what should have been, raced through his mind. Endless stars and galaxies filled his vision as the thoughts continued to haunt him.

“Maybe in another lifetime, another timeline, or even another universe, we could have made it. Just you and I. Goodnight my solstice.” Getting out of the bed and facing the cold and frigid air, Changkyun could feel the stillness of the atmosphere all around him. Making the bed, he tucked in Jooheon making it seem like the other was simply sleeping.

Walking backwards to the door, a new determination set in him. He had to defeat the beast. Running downstairs, Changkyun left a note for Mrs. Lee on the coffee table in the living room saying not to look for him and that’d he’d be putting an end to all of this.

Picking up his discarded helmet, he left it next to the note along with the pen. Gently placing Jooheon’s folded uniform onto the table, he picked the trench coat out of the pile before putting it on. Putting his boots on and lacing them up, Changkyun kicked the weapon up into his hand. Hearing Mrs. Lee beginning to stir upstairs, no doubt waking up to the sound of metal clanging, he walked out the door closing it as quietly as possible.

Once on the highway, Changkyun pulled up the map to Hyejoo’s hideaway. Jooheon’s weapon was now attached to his back and the white trench coat felt odd against his typical all black aesthetic. He felt like a timebomb as he raced and weaved through traffic. There was no doubt that there would be another Beast attack soon, and with civilians still in the city he had to work fast.

Stopping by their old house, he ran in like a maniac greeting his father quickly before running to Hyejoo’s room. Swinging the door open as he gasped for breath, he walked to her wardrobe and began ripping through her clothes looking for the ones he had seen in his dream.

Once he found them, he took off his backpack and shoved them in along with a few other things for her. If she was going to live off the grid she needed to take care of herself still.

The once untouched room was now a mess. Clothes thrown all over the places, drawers remained opened, but Changkyun couldn’t bring himself to care. He could fix his sister’s former room later, the Beast was more important.

Arriving to the abandoned processing plant, Changkyun got off his bike and kicked down the stand before running in. A new fire started inside of him, they were running out of time, perhaps they never had it.

Taking in a deep breath, Changkyun yelled out Hyejoo’s name. Taking deep breaths, he listened to the echoes of his own voice as he began to walk around. Soon enough he ran into the bed he had woken up on in his dream, only now it was covered in red feathers. Allowing his fight or flight to kick in, he broke out into a sprint retracing his steps where he had encountered Hyejoo before.

Once he reached the top, she was nowhere to be seen. Feeling panic set in, he yelled out her name once more, now getting desperate. Leaving the helipad he began searching the rest of the building coming across a parking garage.

After doing quick searches through all of the four floors, Changkyun had finally found her.

“Hyejoo.” He shouted, “I know that you know about the Beast. I’ve already lost too many people to it, others have too. If we worked together we can defeat it, everyone has forgotten about what you did. Some even understood. Please, come with me.” He knew he sounded desperate in his pleas, but that’s exactly what he was. There was no other way around it.

Hyejoo began walking towards him, still in her school uniform but with an oversized bomber jacket now as well. “I’ll help you brother.” she whispered.

Taking off his backpack, Changkyun handed her everything that he had brought. She accepted it with open arms before telling him that she’d meet him at his bike.

Changkyun had been right about his predictions. By the time they arrived back in the city a storm was beginning to stir above the five-story and walking natural disaster of a Beast. Once he got a good look at it, his anger was back in full force. It hadn’t even been 48 hours but yet it was back and ready to take more lives, something he wasn’t going to let happen.

Driving up closer, he felt Hyejoo let go of his waist as she jumped off the bike and summoned her wolf. Ready to scold her for doing something so stupid, he realized the entirety of what they were doing was stupid. Two teenagers taking on a highly deadly beast that wasn’t from this world without aid.

Feeling his wolf come to life he gave it the silent command to attack the Beast. Watching as the midnight body of the wolf attached itself to the beast, Changkyun drove full speed before bailing. Letting his body drop to the solid concrete ground, he felt the air get knocked out of his lungs.

Standing up, he grabbed a rock and threw it at the Beast as if it would inflict some type of damage. Watching his motorcycle explode, he watched in silence as it roared causing another lightning storm, darkness swirling around its body.

Catching up to his sister, both of the wolves were on top of the Beast keeping it distracted. Looking over to Hyejoo, she simply nodded knowing what he was thinking. With a small jump from Hyejoo and a burst of energy from Changkyun, he threw her off of his forearm, launching her at the beast. She landed a kick on it sending it stumbling backwards. The duo was shrouded in darkness, an anger felt by one became an anger felt by two. An anger that would become an unstoppable force. Once they began moving in perfect sync, the darkness around them became filled with stars, unleashing the full force of a constellation that was whole once more.

He had never fought with his sister before, hell he never expected her to come back simply because he said please. It felt natural instead of the static he constantly felt with Jooheon while they battled side by side (or each other for that matter). After all the burning stars and the freezing emptiness of outer space don’t really mix. But they almost did, almost. Fire and ice.

By the time the fight with the Beast was over, it had begun to snow. Almost as if Jooheon was giving his thanks for something that wasn’t his issue alone in the first place. Just like night and day, the sun must die so the moon can thrive. Only this time the moon wished he was the sun. One truly could not live without the other.

Within a couple days the snow in the middle of September became a worldwide phenomenon, as well as the Beast and the siblings. Changkyun and Hyejoo lead the recovery for all deceased bodies left from the Beast’s attacks. Once feared, they were both now seen as heroes. Truthfully Changkyun was shocked at Hyejoo’s apathy for seeing dead bodies, he expected to be some scarring after she had found her friend.

The funeral had slowly come and gone, all of them did. Changkyun personally recovered all of the bodies of his friends once it was over. A part of him felt that it was all too easy, maybe he didn’t care about them enough. He was emotionless. He couldn’t feel anything after Jooheon, but the others had happened before, so why couldn’t he feel anything?

Speeding down the highway in a daze, he had started to think about his bike’s tires slipping in the rain and causing a fatal accident. It’s not like he would mind anyway, everything was already lost. No matter what he did now, he couldn’t do anything to change the past.

Returning to the dorm, Changkyun removed his midnight black suit, throwing the cloths somewhere around the lifeless and stale room. Pulling out his phone, he opened Spotify and shuffled his library. Tossing the device onto his bed, he dragged himself to his desk feeling the life draining out of him, as if he had any life left to begin with.

Turning on his speaker, he listened to the quiet beeps of the bluetooth connecting to his phone. The beeping reminded him of when he had visited Jooheon in the hospital. Sure he was in a medically induced coma for close to a month, but at least he was alive.

Pulling his sweats off his desk, he used the last of his energy to put them on before sitting down on his bed. Allowing himself to fall back, he was met with the feeling of the plush mattress top. Turning onto his side and pulling himself into a fetal position, he stared at the emptiness of Jooheon’s bed.

Suddenly he felt smaller and emptier, as if he had lost his reason to live once more. That was beginning to happen more often. Turning up the music, he began singing along to the song that currently played through his speakers.

“It’s not the same, something’s changed, I never used to be able to see past the trees. A thousand unfamiliars are lying thick on the air, and I can’t breathe. Is our skin to keep the world out or our bodies in? This doesn’t look like home.” Feeling himself break out into sobs, he rolled over and pulled his pillow close. Sobbing into the pillow he allowed himself to drift off into nightmares of both his own death, and Jooheon’s.

7 notes · View notes