#shawn x goth gf

[jawnjendes]

i’ve loved you for all of my life | shawn mendes

forevermore 3/?

shawn x goth oc

AN: i started a discord for shawnblr. blease message me if u wanna join.

PREVIOUS

masterlist | playlist coming soon

Even in a hat and sunglasses, Shawn still felt like he was being watched. He sat outside the main hospital entrance, smoking a cigarette. Everytime anyone walked past him to enter or exit, he turned away or put his head down. He was especially paranoid today, and needed to be on the lookout for, well, anything. People staring back at him, Ann’s parents, people with cameras. It was very important that Shawn didn’t get spotted today. The anxiety of it all is what made him step out for a smoke in the first place.

Normally, his security team would have a hand in making sure he was in a private waiting room, but given that his head of PR was not interested in Shawn unless he was doing PR things, he practically had to fend for himself. His main priority was getting to see Ann, but he didn’t want any unnecessary party seeing her.

The last three days were spent getting updates from Ann’s phone, sent by her cousin Jimena. Apparently Jimena was the only family member who did not have any unnecessary animosity towards Shawn, and politely kept him posted. And once Shawn knew what had caused Ann’s internal pain and bleeding, he had to see her as soon as he could.

Neither he nor Ann thought it was possible, and that was still technically true. It didn’t exactly happen the normal, conventional way, but hearing the word “pregnancy” was still worthy of a double take. There wasn’t any hint of joy or celebration when Jimena explained it to Shawn over the phone, that’s how he knew it was bad. No amount of Googling the terms was all that comforting either.

He took another drag.

“Hey, cheater!” called a loud, female voice from behind him. Clearly her habit of projecting her voice in public spaces hadn’t died down.

Shawn rolled his eyes to himself before getting to his feet. He turned to the woman as he blew the smoke out. “Hi, Jimena. How’ve you been?”

She adjusted her backwards cap with a grin on her face. “Oh you know. Was doing well til I found out my cousin was harboring a dead fetus.”

“Mm, you’re as blunt as you’ve always been.” Shawn attempted to sound amused, despite how awful that visual was. He dropped the last bit of his cigarette and stepped on it to put it out.

“It’s how I deal with this crap. So, you ready?” Without waiting for an answer, Jimena turned on her heel and headed back inside the building.

Shawn was quick to fall in step next to her. “No one else is there?”

“Nope! Her parents went home to shower, and then they’re going to get some things from Ann’s place. Should be good for at least an hour.”

She had a bounce in her step as she entered the empty elevator. She was particularly peppy given the circumstances. That had to be a sign that things hadn’t gotten worse with Ann, right?

“How’s she been doing?” he asked once the doors were closed.

“Well, it’s like I told you over the phone,” Jimena said. “Her tube was ruptured, but other than that, the surgery was successful. She just has to recover for the next month or so.”

“But, emotionally? Is she lashing out? Still talking and eating?”

The shorter girl gave him a look. But then it was like a lightbulb went off in her head. “Right. I forget good boyfriends worry about the mental wellbeing of their significant others.”

His eyes widened underneath the sunglasses. “Uh-”

“She didn’t tell me, I figured it out,” Jimena casually said. “For one thing, I know my cousin isn’t dumb enough to date someone that she knows is cheating on her. And another thing - no offense - but you and Camila is the fakest circus act I’ve ever seen. And a third thing, Annalise was really adamant on getting you to visit when no one else was here. And-”

“Okay, okay.” Shawn put his hands up in surrender. “Yeah, you guessed it. You just can’t tell anyone else, not even your family.”

“Hey, I gotchu. You’re cool with me. Why do you think I’m helping you?”

He smiled at the sentiment. At least one person was in the Shawnnalise corner.

Finally, the elevator doors opened on the second floor. It wasn’t too busy, some nurses were running around as per usual. Visitors walked around with their ill loved ones.

Shawn felt his heart beat a little faster as he stepped out into the hall.

“She’s at the end of the corridor,” Jimena told him. “Last room on the right. Have fun.”

“You’re not coming?” he asked.

She shook her head. “I’m the lookout. I’ll send Annalise a text when I see her parents or anyone else.” And she pushed the button to close the elevator doors.

Then, Shawn took a deep breath. The last time he saw Ann in the hospital was back during college. The nerves were quite the same, just radiating all over his body. He just wanted his girl to be okay.

His girl was in fact being looked at by a nurse when he walked in. Ann looked very sleepy, staring off to the side as a needle was put into her arm. However, her eyes lit up upon seeing Shawn at the doorway.

“You’re here,” she weakly said.

“I am,” he replied, taking the empty chair at her bedside. “How you doing, honey?”

She sighed. “You would not believe the shit I’ve been through.”

“Aww,” said the elderly nurse. “You’ve been a trooper! Strong lady, you are!”

“It’s true.” Shawn grinned. “I wasn’t even here for it, but I know it’s true.”

“Are you a friend? Boyfriend?” the nurse asked him.

“Best friend,” Ann replied for him. “Known him forever.”

It feels that way sometimes.

As soon as the nurse left, Shawn took Ann’s hand and kissed the knuckles. Then he leaned forward (somewhat awkwardly moving from the chair to the bed) to kiss her forehead and cup her cheek. It was hard enough that she was in the hospital; Not being able to see her at all was torture. Shawn couldn’t even focus on anything else, not even as a distraction. Now that he was here, able to see for himself that his girl was functioning, he could breathe again.

“I missed you.” Those words couldn’t even do it justice.

“I missed you too,” Ann replied.

Now that she was there in person, Shawn noticed the differences in her features. Apart from just looking tired and weak, her skin had paled, her eyes were a little sunken in, and her hands were pretty cold. Still Ann, just a little frail at the moment.

“So what’s this about an ectopic pregnancy?” Shawn asked, holding her hand in both of his. “Were you actually pregnant?”

Ann shrugged. “Not technically. It’s dead if it doesn’t implant in the right place, and it planted right on the tube and ruptured it. Things like this are common for people with PCOS so… I guess I should have seen this coming.”

“There’s no way you could have known,” Shawn reassured. “You didn’t think you could get pregnant at all to begin with.”

“Yeah. The really bad news is, my mom’s asking questions now.”

“Questions like…?”

“Like who was trying to get me pregnant? Why didn’t I tell her I was seeing someone? Why am I so inconsiderate? You know, questions of a parent who has an innate need to know every little thing about their child.”

Shawn moved a strand of hair behind her ear. “She asks because she worries.”

Ann shot him a look. “So tell me what I should say to her then. Note: she nor my dad like when I ask them to respect my privacy and will not take it for an answer.”

“Uh…” He took a moment. “They should respect your privacy? You’re your own person?”

“Ahh…” Ann patted his hand. “My parents aren’t white.”

“Well, unless you wanna hire an actor…”

“Sounds like a bad fanfic.”

Shawn sighed and squeezed her hand. “I promise I’ll get out of this contract soon. Then we won’t have to hide anymore.”

“Getting married sounds cool too,” Ann added.

“Oh, a hundred percent.” And he stood again, bent to an awkward ankle and pecked her lips.

Ann inhaled when they pulled apart. She tilted her head. “Were you smoking?”

Shawn couldn’t stop the guilt from appearing on his face. It was a habit that was not particularly liked by many people around him. “I’m sorry…”

“Mm, I’ll let it slide this time. I’m too tired to do armchair psych.”

“Okay.”

Silence fell between them as they watched the TV hung on the wall. Shawn tried to watch the cartoon, but his eyes trailed to his hand holding Ann’s. The situation she was in would be heartbreaking for those who want kids, or were trying for kids. Ann seemed relatively unbothered. No she hasn’t had an ectopic pregnancy before, but she already knew she wouldn’t be able to properly bear children. She knew her body wasn’t able to do things normally.

It’s fine. She couldn’t control that, and Shawn always tried to help her as best he could. He and Ann haven’t had the children talk yet, although she usually leaned more towards “no” if the topic was brought up. Shawn was okay with that.

Looking at his hand around hers made him imagine… what if it was a small hand? A much smaller hand? Pink and held tight into a fist, resting on the palm of Shawn’s hand.

The idea made his chest get warm, his heart melted a little. But the fact that it would only stay an idea abruptly brought him out of that five second daydream.

“What would have happened if you were actually pregnant?” The words came out of his mouth before the thought completed itself in his mind.

Ann didn’t say anything at first. She met his gaze, the mild surprise on her face speaking for itself. Then she merely shrugged. “I haven’t thought about what ifs like that since my PCOS diagnosis.”

“And when was that?”

“I was seventeen. I never really thought about having kids before that either. It just never… I didn’t really care, despite the inherent pressure that’s placed on women and even young girls to have kids, like it’s their only purpose or something.” She spoke quickly and then took a breath, getting back to the main topic. “My mom was mostly worried that I had cancer when we realized things weren’t working the way they’re supposed to. Both my parents were sad when we found out I would most likely end up infertile, and I... I just never thought about it since. It’s just how my body works: unable to bear children.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“I can’t really miss something I never had. Besides, you know me. I have better things to do than be reduced down to my biological functions, or lack of.”

“Right,” Shawn said in thought. “Well… have you thought about it now that this happened? You know… us having kids of our own?”

Ann sighed and then squeezed his hand. “I might ask you the same question.”

The two silently looked at each other. Shawn felt a little sheepish now that he heard Ann’s perspective of this particular realm. But he couldn’t lie to her.

“I see a little toddler with your eyes and my hair, running around in a black onesie,” he admitted. Okay, so maybe he’s thought about it more than once. More than he liked to admit. “Or a blue onesie. Or a pink one. I know it’s not realistic, it’s just… just a thought.”

“Thoughts are allowed. It’s a nice thought. I just think we should worry about this contract of yours, and then telling my family and yours that it was you and me all along, and then getting married…”

“Right…” He nodded, pushing the parenthood feelings to the backburner. “Still a lot to worry about first.”

“We’ll come back to it,” Ann promised.

At least she wasn’t saying no altogether.

_______

NEXT

making a new taglist so lmk if u wanna be added!

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #it started as one thing and led to that conversation lmao #wtf is wrong w me i h8 the having kids trope lmao #henny ways pls enjoy

[miiversian]

shawn wasabi’s princess peach x julerose! happy pride month from ur fav goth/pastel gfs <3

#my art #miraculous ladybug #miraculous tales of ladybug and chat noir #ml #mlb #juleka couffaine #rose lavillant #julerose #juleka x rose #rose x juleka #mlpridefest2020 #mlpridefest #mangotale #crossover #nintendo #miraculous ladybug crossover #pink

[jawnjendes]

let go of any hesitation | shawn mendes

shawn x goth oc

a throwback to the original goth gf fic. this is right after slow, so read that if you want context. a bit of smut lies ahead.

masterlist | playlist

I don't usually think so hard. At least that's how it felt before that tall handsome singer sang his way into my life. My brain was loud enough already (thanks, gentlemen suitors of the past) but it never went on overdrive quite like this. I was "feeling different," as a wise man once said, but it wasn't in a bad way. That's what was so strange.

My mind kept trailing back to the night Shawn and I were in the backseat of his car. The flashbacks played like a movie whenever I stared at the wall for too long or simply watched him play guitar. All he did was use two fingers and now I was constantly zoned out just thinking about how talented he was. I missed half of my lecture notes in most classes because of this. Honestly, I wasn't that mad about it.

Mind you, I still had to follow my rules, no matter how much I wanted to break them. Shawn was still far too understanding about it, and didn’t try to initiate anything with me since then. It was also why he didn't invite me to his apartment yet. Whenever we went our own ways he kissed me and said "I'll text you," making it clear that we wouldn't see each other again that day. Let me tell you, I really had to fight with my brain to not overanalyze that because holy shit, I wanted to be next to him at all times.

At least he did text me. He wasn't as talkative through iMessage but the feeling was there. He would send me pictures whenever he was playing video games, or procrastinating doing his coursework. He frequently sent little clips of him playing guitar and singing, and that is some good shit. I could watch Shawn do the most mundane things and still be delightfully entertained. I was that much of a simp for him. All it took was two fingers and I was absolutely melting for him.

It was strange of him to straight up ask, "Can I send you something?" I got that text when I was back in my dorm, books and notes spread out in front of me on the living room floor. For once I was trying to focus on getting my research paper done instead of thinking about things that have already happened.

Stella was doing the same thing, her own spread of homework on the coffee table. She had been silent with her headphones in as she attempted to read from her history book. Meaning, she didn't look up when my phone went off for the third time that study session.

I looked at the text, puzzled. I sent back a "sure lol" and went back to studying, although the anticipation of Shawn's response was sitting on my shoulders now. My eyes flickered between my phone and my laptop for the next five minutes, and it was embarrassing how quickly I snatched my phone when it lit up again.

I got a fucking paragraph.

"Just letting you know that you don't have to send anything back. And let me know if I'm overstepping too. I've just been thinking about you a lot lately, especially when we were in my car the other night. I want you to see what you do to me."

My face went hot immediately. It should have been a no brainer, given how hard I was simping. But I had to force my brain to function.

We might just start sexting. We might just go another step further. Was this breaking any rules? Was he overstepping? No… he was asking. I didn’t have to do anything on my end. Besides, if any sexual act went against my rules, then they were already broken. On top of that, rules are fun to break.

I typed, "oh it's that kinda something?👀 lol yea send whatever you wanna send."

I looked at my laptop again and nothing about my previous task was processing anymore. What even is homework? I started to gather up my textbooks, notes, and my laptop almost frantically, and I didn't say another word to Stella as I went into my room. Didn't need her seeing how red my face went.

The time that Shawn took to respond felt like years. I put all my things away and sat down on my bed, nervously rubbing my hands together. My phone sat in front of me, silent and almost mocking me. How much of Shawn was I about to see? How bad was the temptation of yeeting myself to his place going to be this time?

When I got a notification, I hesitated. My heart was beating incredibly fast and hard as I stared down the device, and I nearly jumped when it beeped again. He sent two things. Fuck.

"God fuck shit fucking-" I mumbled as I reached for my phone and opened the messages.

A video from the waist down. Shawn was laying on his bed in these particularly tight grey Calvin's. The bulge he was sporting twitched once, twice before his tattooed hand gripped it tightly. And that was it. The second thing he sent was just the smirk emoji.

My throat went dry, my breath hitched, and everything from my lower waist went warm and tingly. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen, and my mind immediately filled up with images of what he could possibly be doing next. That's what was so good about it. It wasn't as in-your-face as a straight up dick pic. This video had just the right amount of teasing and sexiness that left me wanting more.

Shawn is very good at this.

"👀🔥" What the fuck else was I supposed to send? I didn't know how to use words anymore.

"Been thinking about you for a while…❤"

"Hoo boi," I whispered. "Hoooo boi…"

I sent back a blushing emoji and a black heart. I wasn't sure whether to fully engage or not. Is it breaking my rules if he sends me these things and I don't send anything back? Not that I could, I was so speechless by what he had packing and the fact that he was thinking about me in this state.

I nearly yelled when he asked if I wanted more… because he had been touching himself for a while already and he was close.

"Yes pls👀🔥" Thank god we weren't talking on the phone, I would have been a stammering mess.

And the waiting game resumed. My body felt hot and restless, so I got up to go lock the door and continue pacing the small room. I had to fan myself like a flustered fool, trying to keep the sweating to a minimum. Then, I practically ran to my bag on the floor and pulled out my headphones, just in case.

When I was ready and settled back on my bed, I had a new notification. I all too eagerly opened the message and saw the thumbnail of the next video.

Shawn had set up his phone and angled it so only his naked torso could be seen from the side. The V in his hips were in the shot too, and his hand was running up and down his body. My eyes followed his hand and the realization that he was completely naked hit me like a bus.

I plugged my headphones in before the sounds of his staggered breath could fill up the room. My eyes were almost comically wide as I watched him touch his own chest and abs. Then, his hand was reaching below the waist and moving in that oddly erotic up and down motion, and his breath hitched.

Next thing I knew, my own hand was going down into my shorts. My eyes stayed fixed on the movement of Shawn's arm and the sound of breathy moans. He wasn't loud enough to use his voice but it was absolutely enough to get me going. My own breathing was matching his.

His free hand was feverishly moving up and down his body, gripping his thigh before switching it up and using that hand to get himself off. That was how I learned his tattooed hand was in fact the dominant hand. Wet sounds mixed with his soft moans as he vigorously pumped himself. His hips were moving swiftly with his hand movements, and all I could think of was Shawn thrusting his hips into mine. It sent a shudder down my body, and I kept working under my shorts.

He got more and more into it, using his whole body as well as his hand, and then his back arched in an incredibly delicious way as he started to shake. Within seconds, little spurts of white hit his abdomen and he let out a string of deep grunts. His body shook and twitched with every pulse, erratically pumping himself dry. Finally, he sighed in great relief (what a wonderful sound it was), and his body relaxed.

My mind was on another plane by the time the video ended. Fantasies of barging into Shawn's apartment and riding him until my thighs were sore kept plaguing me. I had an urge to lick up what he just let out, and the need to be close to him increased tenfold. The simple idea of having his hands on me pushed me to the finish line, and I was quietly groaning and clenching my thighs.

This guy is really going to be the death of me.

With shaking hands, I typed up a response. "Nice. Cool. Real cool. 💯🖤"

_______

goth gf taglist: starting a new list so lmk if you wanna be added

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #mine

[jawnjendes]

a little bit longer | shawn mendes

shawn x goth oc

forevermore 2/?

AN: haha,,,,,, guess whos simping again. i’ll be posting a throwback one shot featuring shawn n ann in a few days too,,,,,,

PREVIOUS

masterlist | playlist

It all started with abdominal pain. It always seemed to start that way. This time around, Shawn nor Ann didn't worry because, well, money. Shawn had better resources, and a personal doctor on call to prescribe Ann the best combo of antibiotics. That should have been that, but it's never that simple.

Ann had gone back to work once she started taking the antibiotics, so she missed out on more meetings with Isabella. She didn’t seem that torn up about it. Isabella went through the contract with a fine toothed comb, trying to find some type of loophole to get Shawn and Camila out of this. In other words, Shawn was too focused, and too physically distant from his girlfriend, so when he got a phone call, it was like being hit with ice cold water.

“Your wife is in critical condition, you need to come right away.”

That’s all it took for Shawn to forget everything else. He didn’t even double take at the fact that the person on the other line said “wife.” (Ann put Shawn down as an emergency contact, but it was unknown as to what she put as her relation to him until now.) He didn't say a single word to Camila or Isabella as he grabbed his keys and bolted. Nothing mattered, not the traffic, not the lights, not the pap van following his Jeep, not the fact that he could very well violate his contract by doing this. It doesn't matter.

Shawn got to the hospital and approached the help desk in the main lobby. "I'm here to see Annalise Flores."

"What is your relationship?" the receptionist asked, typing on the computer.

He was going to answer, but then someone cut him off and approached the desk.

"Ex-boyfriend." It was Eduardo Flores, Ann's father. He had a stern look on his face, which only added to his intimidating goth appearance.

Shawn hadn't seen this man in years. Ed let his hair grow and held it back in a bun. He had plenty more tattoos going up and down his arms, and he was decked out in all black like always. The thing is, he wasn't normally this intimidating or angry looking.

"This guy isn't allowed to see my daughter, you hear me?" Ed said to the receptionist.

"That would be up to the patient," she said back.

"I, I wasn't-" Shawn feebly tried to cover up his reason for being here, but Ed cut him off again.

"I heard you say her name. What, you break up years and years ago but you suddenly want her back now that she's sick and vulnerable? You should have thought about that a long time ago!"

Shawn only remained silently confused. What exactly did Ann tell her parents about their break up six years ago? Regardless, he had to think on the fly.

"We're still friends, sir," he said.

"Gentlemen, if you could please clear the area," the receptionist piped up.

The two of them moved out to the waiting room. Shawn still tried to reason with Ed.

"We still talk, we're friends," he said. "She texted me and told me what was happening."

"Then how come she hasn't mentioned you before? Annalise never hides anything from me."

That wasn't exactly true. Ann hid plenty of things from her parents, even little things. Her parents spent a lot of her childhood fishing out any type of personal information from her to the point where she now kept her life as private as possible. She didn't want anyone knowing anything about her. Of course she didn't tell her parents about Shawn, apart from the fact that she wasn't allowed to.

Of course Shawn couldn't just outwardly say that Ann is his girlfriend at the risk of violating his contract… or at the risk that her parents keep up with celebrity gossip and knew that he was supposed to be seen with Camila. Still, he didn't regret going out into the public eye, his priority is Ann. But it was still frustrating that all of these cover ups had to happen, that Shawn had to think about every step he had to take next.

"Look, she is my best friend and I really care about her," he said, careful not to blatantly lie. "Can you just tell me what happened? Please, I'm worried about her too."

Ed gave him a once over, and then gave in. He was honestly very easy to persuade. Intimidating as he was on the outside, Ed was a big softie on the inside.  "She admitted herself. Said she had a lot of pain in her abdomen. They took her for a CT and found internal bleeding, so now she's having an emergency surgery."

The news sent Shawn's stomach down to his feet. He thought about the last time he saw Ann, and how she was feeling. All she talked about were minor cramps. How did it escalate so drastically in a matter of days?

He suddenly looked up, realizing another pair of eyes was on him… or several.

The other receptionists at the main desk, some people in the waiting room, and even the security guards at the lobby entrance were doing double takes at Shawn. Even when he had his own problems and was very visibly distressed, he was still a pop star.

That was when all of his media training came to mind. He shouldn't be here because of all the eyes and ears and smartphones. He shouldn't be here because if Andrew or Justin found out they would be pissed. He shouldn't be here because the media will find a way to find out why he was here, who he was here for, and then Ann would be pissed.

He immediately stood up straighter, trying to erase the distress from his face.

"Is anyone else here for her?" he asked Ed.

"Her cousin Jimena is on the way," he replied. "More relatives will probably come and go all day."

Shawn nodded. At least Ann wouldn't be alone, but that didn't stop the sinking sensation in his stomach. He didn't want to do this, but he had to. "Would you tell her I stopped by?"

"You don't want to tell her yourself?" Ed asked, confused. "I mean, you're here after all."

"Yeah, but I figured none of your family would want to see me, so…"

Ed simply gave him a look. "Right. You're a big shot rockstar now, too good for my daughter, huh?"

"No, of course not-"

"Don't worry about it. No one will ever know you were here." Ed shrugged and walked off towards the lobby exit.

Shawn stood there, frustrated. Apparently, when your daughter dumps her boyfriend, you and the entire extended family must blacklist said boyfriend, even if he makes a comeback and proves that he still cares about said daughter. Yes, Ann was the one to end things with Shawn in 2020, but he was the bad guy.

Next time, Shawn would just have to play nice and accept the passive aggression from Ann's parents and other family members he might run into.

With a heavy sigh, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He sent a text to Isabella, apologizing for the sudden departure and letting her know what had happened. Now that he was over the initial shock, he felt a little guilty for leaving the meeting so suddenly.

Then, he went for the exit. He saw Ed re-entering, this time with a young woman at his side.

She was tall, brown, and had short spiky hair. Decked out in a red t-shirt and ripped light wash jeans. That was Jimena Velazquez, one of Ann's cousins. She made eye contact with Shawn as she passed by him. Perplexed but still with recognition. She didn't say anything because Ed was speaking to her.

Shawn met her once before, when he met Ann's extended family for the first time in 2020. Jimena was really laid back and kind, immediately accepting Shawn into the family. Ann always referred to her as the sister she never had. Of course she would be here on this day.

If only Shawn could do the same.

_______

NEXT 

gonna make a new taglist so lmk if you wanna be added!

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #look whos back baybee #i hope i can keep up with this #shawn got me feelin some kinda way lately #im lov him still ok

[jawnjendes]

it’s always been you | shawn mendes

shawn x goth oc

forevermore 1/?

let me know if you want to be added to the taglist

PREVIOUS

masterlist | playlist (song added with every chapter)

One would be surprised to know the extent Annalise Flores would go to remain anonymous. She had a wig she wore specifically for work, and it wasn’t just to look professional. All of her social media is private, not that she surfs the web for leisure these days. Her own family doesn’t even know what she’s been up to these last few weeks. This is the life Annalise chose. Always reserved, always a mystery. She preferred it this way.

So when she got back together with her ex, it wasn’t exactly devastating to discover that she was not allowed to be seen with him in the public eye. Her ex-turned-current boyfriend is the world famous musician Shawn Mendes. They dated back in college prior to the fame, but that’s a different story. This is now.

Annalise was in between sessions at her Los Angeles counseling office, reviewing notes and waiting for the next client to arrive. It was a normal work day, she was at the halfway point, but not quite. It wasn’t lunchtime yet.

The phone rang, causing her to jump at the sound. She picked up and answered, hearing her assistant/secretary Mateo on the other line.

“Señora, tiene una entrega,” he said in a singsong voice.

“What did we say about señora?” she replied. “I feel old.”

He giggled. “So are you coming, or do I drink this coffee myself?”

Annalise perked up at the sound of coffee. “I’ll be right there.”

It’s not that it was a hot beverage. She never Postmated something she could simply go out and get herself. She smoothed out her black dress and went down the hallway, gazing at the waiting room on the way to the front desk, just in case anyone showed up early. That was a rare occurrence, what with the type of clientele she dealt with.

The delivery was exactly what Mateo had said, a cup of coffee from some obscure shop. The assistant was grinning excitedly, for this wasn’t the first time his employer had gotten a mystery drink with a note attached. Annalise knew he never read the notes she got, otherwise he would have flipped his shit long ago. Mateo wasn’t one to hide things like shock or excitement. He would learn though; He was still an intern.

Annalise took the cup and read the strip on the side of it. Decaf. Hvy cream. Sweetener. Yup, that’s the one. Then she opened the folded note that was tape to the cup.

See you tonight -Mr. M.

She hummed and slipped the note into her dress pocket. Looks like she has plans tonight.

“There’s also a man outside who wants to talk to you,” Mateo added. “He’s the one who brought the coffee.”

Annalise figured there would be more than just that silly little note. She went out the door and into the warm spring day, finding a familiar bald man sat on a nearby bench.

“Jake,” she greeted.

The man stood and smiled. “How you doing, Ann?”

“Good. Apparently I’m seeing him tonight? Has he lost his mind or something?”

“He says it’s important.”

“He and I have different definitions of the word important. But yeah, I’ll go. I assume you’ll be taking me again?” There was a bit of reluctance in her tone.

“That’s right. As soon as you’re done here.”

Anytime Annalise wanted to see her boyfriend, she couldn’t simply drive herself to his house whenever she pleased. The last time she saw Shawn was two months ago on Valentine’s Day, a day that he decided was important. Most days, they saw each other through FaceTime, Snapchat, text, even the coffee and notes became a regular form of communication.

It’s not like Annalise frequently keeps up with celebrity gossip, but she knew why it had to be this way, and honestly, she wasn’t mad about it. She had to sneak around with Shawn behind the scenes of his great big love story stunt, despite the fact that he wasn’t doing anything careerwise at the moment. It was more for the other person in this love story stunt than it was for him. Again, Annalise wasn’t mad about it.

Staying away from Shawn in public was fine, and that’s the truth. The world believed Shawn Mendes was dating Camila Cabello for the umpteenth time in his career. Well, some of the world believed that, and some was all that was needed. As long as Annalise didn’t get under that terrifying microscope, she was good.

~

Shawn was nervous for a multitude of reasons. The doorbell rang, and even though he checked the camera at the front door, he still felt knots in his stomach. He hasn’t seen this girl in a while. He was still surprised that she agreed to come all the way to sunny LA. This wasn’t her level of expertise, but she was experienced in law, so that was better than nothing. On top of that, Shawn didn’t trust anyone that was connected to Andrew, and most lawyers in this town seemed to know him. Shawn couldn’t risk any of this getting back to his team.

He answered the door to a petite woman with a jet black pixie cut. She had on dark sunglasses, and carried an umbrella. Ripped skinny jeans, a band t-shirt, and converse were her go-to. It was like she hadn’t changed clothes since the last time Shawn saw her. Dark as this girl looked, her greeting was like sunshine.

“Helloooo!” She dramatically threw her umbrella aside and opened her arms for a hug.

“Isabella,” Shawn greeted as he accepted her hug, minding the permanent chill of her body. “Thank you so much for coming.”

Oh, that’s okay,” she replied. She stepped inside the house and looked around the spacious area. “Damn, this ain’t no Canada. Also, how convenient that you live here and not your supposed home country.” She poked his chest with a grin.

Shawn chuckled. This girl genuinely did not believe Canada was a real place. “Tell you what, get me out of this contract, and I’ll send you on a vacation to Vancouver.”

Isabella took off her sunglasses, revealing red eyes. However she blinked a few times and they went back to brown.

“Who else is here?” she asked, placing her shoulder bag on the kitchen island. “I’m detecting Chanel Number Whatever.”

“Oh, that’s probably Camila,” Shawn replied, still thrown by how intuitive Isabella was. “She’s in the bathroom. And uh, Ann will be here soon.”

“Okay, so Camila’s the fake girlfriend, right?”

“Worse. They want us engaged.”

Isabella’s eyes widened. “We have a lot of work to do.”

Then, another voice sounded from the stairs. “Who’s here? I heard the doorbell ring.”

Shawn shared a look with Isabella. While she still looked human, there was that tiny shred of doubt. What if she had the words ‘vampire-witch’ tattooed on her forehead?

Finally, Camila entered the dining room/kitchen. She immediately spotted Isabella and went to introduce herself. Both girls were bubbly and enthusiastic, despite the serious circumstances. Shawn couldn’t help but feel a bit weird. He carried many secrets, but the biggest one had to be that he knew an actual vampire. That secret was just above the one about his relationship with Camila being a business arrangement. Could he really consider it a secret if his team was absolutely horrible at making that seem natural, and that the whole world figured it out years ago? Shawn and Camila were simply bound by contract.

That’s why Isabella Jayn Montgomery was hired.

Shawn checked the time on his phone. It was half past eight, Ann and Jake should be on their way. He shouldn’t have been so nervous about this. It’s not like Ann wouldn’t like the idea of not having to hide anymore… right?

~

“So you just decided that we were going to go public and not tell me?”

He didn’t really know what he was expecting. Not even five minutes had passed since Isabella, Camila, and Jake left, and Ann got right to it. She was polite through the whole discussion, listening to everything Isabella had to say, and asking questions every so often. But as it turns out, she had her own bone to pick.

Shawn was putting the empty water glasses in the kitchen sink, surprised by his girlfriend’s serious tone. “I thought that was something we wanted?”

“You wanted that,” Ann corrected, sitting at the island. “Look, if you want to stop fake dating Camila, that’s fine, I support that. If you wanna go back to making music for your fans and go back on tour, I support that too. Whatever you wanna do with your career is your decision. But when it comes to our relationship, I get a say too. And I don’t want my privacy taken away.”

“Well…” he trailed off, leaning against the counter. “Just because I get out of my contract doesn’t mean you and I have to go and make out in the middle of the street. It would just be more believable if we were seen out in public together. It would show mine and Camila’s teams that we’re not taking their shit anymore.”

Ann chuckled. “Yeah, I’m not here to be a pawn in a game of publicity chess.”

Shawn sighed and walked around the counter, holding his hands out to her. “They want me and Camila to be engaged, and then have a huge wedding covered by all the major media outlets. I don’t want my life playing out this way anymore.”

She kept her arms folded. “A fake wedding is where you draw the line? Really?”

“If I’m gonna have a wedding, it’s gonna be with you,” he told her.

That particular topic wasn’t new information. Shawn and Ann had talked about marriage in the past and when would be the right time. How their cultures and subcultures were going to come into play. How they would go about it with all this Shawmila nonsense. That’s why Ann remained serious.

“Weddings are clearly not a big deal if these business people are willing to just throw a fake one together. I’m sure your fake girlfriend will look beautiful in a stupid white gown.” She rolled her eyes.

“I wanna see my real girlfriend in a stupid black gown,” Shawn corrected.

 Ann cracked a small grin, but it faded quickly. She sucked in a breath as her face contorted.

“What? What is it?” Shawn asked, concern quickly replacing the building frustration.

She breathed out. “Nothing, just cramps.”

“Stomach cramps? Nausea? What did you eat?”

“Period cramps. I don’t get any of that often but when I do…”

You’re moody as hell and question everything I do, Shawn thought. Only a second later, guilt formed in his chest.

NEXT

_______

goth gf taglist @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @strangerliaa @kitykatnumber @mendesromano @iloveshawnieboi @goldenmndes @parkeraul @someoneunimportantxx @shawnvvmendes @calyumthomas @softmendesss @wronglanemendes @theprivatewritings @peruvian-bae

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #quarantine got me like...... imma write shawn #even tho its all but illegal to like him asfkghlkjslkjglkfsklahfshf #im not gettin into that im just here to creatively outlet or whatever #song: lover by taylor swift #yes its the one feat mawn shendes

[jawnjendes]

prologue: i’ll be just fine | shawn mendes

shawn x goth gf

forevermore 0/?

let me know if you want to be added to the taglist

masterlist | playlist (song added with every chapter)

2019.

"Why do you listen to these sad songs knowing they'll make you sad?" It was another thing about Ann that Shawn had yet to understand. 

A majority of Ann's driving playlist consisted of some really sad songs. Shawn thought he understood this at first; Just from the way his girlfriend looked, she seemed like a sad person. However, the dark exterior wasn't due to sadness, it was quite the opposite. But the real cause of the constant sad songs was that Ann was coming out of something rough before Shawn came along, so it made sense.

Now, Ann wasn't in a rough patch anymore. At least that's how she put it. This playlist was a mix of pop and metal, the only common thing was that they all had depressing lyrics.

"The songs that elicit the strongest reactions from me are the ones I keep around," she said simply.

For once, they weren't driving. The couple were in Ann's car in an abandoned parking lot on the outskirts of town after a long day of exams. Ann didn't even bother to change the music to fit the mood. She could at least pretend she was on a date.

"So only the sad ones make you feel things?" Shawn asked, reaching over to take her hand and play with her fingers. "Don't you ever hear a song that makes you feel happy to be alive? Ones that make you wanna jump around and dance?" 

"Mm, only at concerts," she said. "And I feel that high for a few days, weeks if it was a good show. The happier songs hit different when they're live."

Shawn still couldn't wrap his head around it, but that was better than nothing. At this point, he just lapped up a sliver of fun facts Ann was willing to share. So far, Shawn has learned that she prefers blue candy and that she mains Link in Mario Kart 8. Baby steps.

"Ooo, a good one," Ann said as yet another melancholy tune played.

This was a band they had in common: 5SOS. Shawn knew this particular song because he cried the first time he heard it.

Here I am waking up, still can't sleep on your side

There's your coffee cup, the lipstick stain fades with time

If I could dream long enough, you'd tell me I'll be just fine

"Doesn't it make you want to curl up in a ball?" Ann asked, a little too cheery.

"Yeah," Shawn agreed. "Music is powerful."

"And it doesn't feel like a typical break up song," she went on. "It just feels like general loss. Feeling the absence of those who were once there, and how painful it is to live on without them."

"Have you thought of this before?"

"Is it that obvious?"

Shawn had his own thoughts. "Well, it's definitely a breakup song, the lyrics state it. But it doesn't feel like a concept that was thought up in a studio. It feels like an experience, a really painful experience."

"Exactly," Ann agreed. "Just wondering who hurt these guys so bad."

"Have you been hurt this bad?" Shawn knew this was a risky question to ask, because Ann doesn't like dwelling on things like that. She barely told him anything about her relationship with Luca from the previous year. Shawn asked because he thought that was the answer, and then Ann would give another sliver of information.

"No."

Okay, so he was wrong. But he did learn another thing about Ann: she will answer deep questions if she knows she won't talk about anything deep. 

"I hope I never feel something like this song," she added.

The simple afterthought made Shawn perk up a little bit. Ann said it for him. He gently squeezed her hand. He wanted to hold her in his arms and never let go. (Ann was still hesitant to fall into physical affection.) How he longed for her touch and her love, even though she was close by. How he wanted to shower her in all of his love… But he didn't want to scare her off.

Shawn had to be careful. He knew Ann had a hard time with romantic relationships. She was afraid, paranoid. She was avoidant and silent about her feelings. This wasn't someone that Shawn normally got involved with. He always thought he would end up with someone louder… in every aspect.

But something about being with Ann made it easy, and worth it. Shawn was more than willing to wait for her to open up. He knew her little flicks to his arm were signs of affection that she couldn't voice. He knew her kisses to his cheek were meant with all the love. He knew she was into this, otherwise she would leave. 

Now if only Ann could know that she was safe with Shawn, and that he cherishes every teeny tiny bit of herself that she gives to him. If only she could believe that he was nothing like the last asshole she was with.

She had to believe that at least a little bit if she hadn't left, right?

And if Ann did decide to leave, Shawn would feel worse than what this song was giving him. He knew that much.

"Too young, too dumb to know things like love," Ann sang, waving her arms in the air like she was at a 5SOS concert.

This was the song that Shawn would play should this relationship come to an end. This was also the song that was playing when he realized he loved Ann.

~

2020.

It’s funny that Annalise went from being too depressed to do school work to being so depressed that she has to drown herself in school work. For the last three months, it was school, then work, then her bedroom. No time to talk or breath or think. No time to listen to the radio or watch interviews or feel anything.

Three straight months of this routine. It was surprising that Stella just let Annalise do what she did. She didn’t intervene in Annalise’s intense study session, or take her to some obscure coffee shop to hear some people sing. Nope, Annalise was definitely going to pass this semester with flying colors and leave this campus with a bang.

Well… she would feel more confident about it if the two women talking out in the living room would be more considerate. Annalise thought that there would be less chatter in the dorm once Camila left campus, but no. Stella just had to have other friends. Was it so hard to stay quiet or just go somewhere else?

Annalise didn’t give a single flying fuck that one of the girls’ voices was trembling and incoherent. She threw her pencil aside and got up from her bed. She pulled open the door and shot daggers at Stella and Alessia.

“Could you guys keep it down? I’m trying to study.” Her tone was low and monotonous, not very intimidating. She found that the more she raised her voice, the more likely that box in her head that trapped all the gross, sad, painful things would burst open. So she stayed quiet these days.

Stella merely gave her roommate a look. She subtly nodded to the crying girl next to her, like she was telling Annalise to be more compassionate.

But Alessia was already on her feet, enraged with tears staining her cheeks. “What is wrong with you?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Annalise coolly replied.

“No, like, what is so goddamn wrong with you that you’re not at my level of despair?” Alessia tried again, her voice shaking and her arms flailing around.

A sigh came out of Stella, but she didn’t try to intervene. Again.

Alessia sniffed and continued. “My friend, the friend I crushed on and never got to call mine, dropped out three months ago to pursue music and fame, without so much as a goodbye to me. And he took Stella’s girlfriend, a best friend to follow him around, and another best friend to take pictures of him! That’s four of our friends gone like that!” She snapped her fingers. “I miss all of them so much I don’t know what to do with myself, he didn’t even invite me.”

“I’m sorry, that must be hard for you,” Annalise said without missing a beat.

It was easy to tell where this was leading to. She really should have taken herself out of the room, but Alessia’s crazed and tearful eyes had a hold on her.

“You know what the worst part is?” she said, taking a step towards the other girl. “You don’t sing, or dance, or offer anything useful to the entertainment industry, and he invited you. And you turned him down… you fucking went and turned him down.”

Reminder: never tell Stella anything ever again. Reminder: you stayed behind.

Annalise blinked once, only for a single tear to stream down her face. The box in her head wasn’t tied well enough.

“It’s like you said, I have nothing to contribute to that world.” She couldn’t keep her voice low and steady anymore. “He just wanted me to quit school and work to follow him like a puppy. Brian had no problem doing that, but I don’t do that for anybody.”

Alessia wasn’t pleased with that answer. “So you just dump him?”

“Yes!” Annalise yelled. “Yes, okay? I broke up with him! I’m not the one who signed up for stalkers and the invasion of privacy!” She could feel herself cracking open from her head to her toes as more tears welled up in her eyes. “I have my own things to worry about here, I have my own future to build since it’s not being handed to me on a silver platter! You think I don’t think about the decision I made? That I don’t wonder what would have happened if I said yes? You think I don’t miss him?”

She doesn’t cry often, because when she does, it’s a lot. Annalise fell to her knees, her heart shattering as she sobbed into her sleeves. It was unbearable, never ending. It stung so deep in her chest that she couldn’t even breathe. And she only had herself to blame because she did this to herself. She decided to stay behind and end it all.

~

Present day.

“Emotionally, it sucked,” Ann recalled, “but academically, that was the best semester I’ve ever had.”

Shawn was a little surprised. The questions that he had been thinking about for six years was finally answered. He wasn’t the only one torn up over the break up. He should have known that Ann would hide her pain like she always did. It was sad but oddly comforting knowing that she cried over him too. At least now he knows that she did love him.

“But you don’t regret any of it?” he asked.

“If it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t have drowned myself in my studies. And I wouldn’t have the job I have now,” she replied. “But there is one thing I do regret.”

“What’s that?”

“That stupid separation thing.”

The two of them looked at each other. Ann was cringing at herself, while Shawn couldn’t help but breathe out a soft laugh.

“I was so heartbroken that I forgot about that,” he admitted.

“Yeah? I thought about the separation so much, and how much time I wasted with it. Only a couple of months after I called that off, I lost you. We could have had more time, a better time.”

Maybe it was the old feelings arising, maybe it was the fact that they’ve had a lot of sex lately, but Shawn couldn’t help himself.

“There’s time now.”

Ann’s winged eyes went wide. Her mouth was half open like she wanted to say something, but it was all silent, and it made Shawn nervous.

“Or,” he backtracked, “you might be seeing someone, or you’re not interested or anything…”

“No,” she replied, still in thought. “I just- I know, we've slept together a lot these days, but… aren’t you in between, uh, things with Camila?”

The way she worded that was interesting. But Shawn was bound by contract, even if it was between events. Even if he was on a break. Even if he had eyes for someone else.

“I… um,” he tried to say, tried to think of the things he was trained to say. But it was Ann, and he had a hard time lying to her.

“It’s okay,” she said softly. “I have a lot of clients in the same situation. It’s not breaking contract if I figure it out on my own.”

Shawn relaxed, and a small smile grew on his face. "Well, she and I are off right now…"

Ann nodded. "But what about when you're on again? And what about your job? When you get back to being a superstar?"

He thought about it. Really, he's been thinking about it since Brian's death. "Honestly, I've been at this for years. And I love the time off I've been having way too much. Yeah, I made some plans to make another record and go on tour, but none of it's set in stone. I'm not ready to go back to the crazy superstar life. I'm ready for a quiet life. And if you want to be in it too, that would be even better."

NEXT

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @strangerliaa @kitykatnumber @mendesromano @iloveshawnieboi @goldenmndes @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @someoneunimportantxx @parkeraul @calyumthomas @softmendesss @wronglanemendes @theprivatewritings @peruvian-bae

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #hee hee hoo hoo #idk when chapter 1 is happening but here is this for now lulz

[jawnjendes]

can’t see in the stormy weather | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

NOTE: this is NOT the new series. this is a one shot that takes place during the early stages of their relationship... you’ll find it in the Season 1 section of the masterlist :) 

goth gf playlist | masterlist

When Shawn asked me to make a playlist describing who I am, I almost threw myself back to California. I don't know what it is about people wanting to know things about me, but it's annoying. I detest it.

It's not like he made me a playlist full of sappy love songs. He just wanted to hear songs I identify with. That was borderline terrifying because Shawn is a musician. He lives and breathes music and analyzing lyrics and melodies. What's he going to think if he finds Halsey's "Without Me" or 5SOS's "Invisible?"

Oh yeah. I deeply project whatever bits of me I discover onto songs. Then I stick to those songs and keep them on repeat and I make sure no one knows about them because then people would know things about me. It's irrational and unrealistic but that's how my stupid brain works. Anyone who's ever known me needs to disappear! They can't have the luxury of knowing me and all my secrets! What the fuck would I do if Shawn and I broke up? I'd have to kill him, that's what.

"What, are you gonna kill me too if we stop being friends?" Stella asked. "Seriously, it's just a playlist. It doesn't have to be that deep."

"I told you what the prompt was, right?" I replied.

"Yeah. And that is because Shawn knows you don't verbally express yourself about… anything. So he gave you a different outlet."

Fuck, I thought I was the psychology major here.

Yes, it was easier to let Shawn in through ways where I didn't have to say things out loud and explicitly. I had to admit that. But he was still going to find out things I had yet to tell him. Important things apart from the anxiety and semi-regular therapy sessions.

"Why don't you just pick generic songs you like, and not the ones that reveal too much?" Stella suggested.

I scoffed. "I'm closed off, I'm not a liar."

"It's not lying. Everyone's favorite song means something. I was listening to Big Time Rush when I touched down on Toronto for the first time. Everytime I hear Boyfriend I think about how I successfully made it out of my parents' house."

As nice as that sentiment was, I couldn't bring myself to find ways around the prompt. I had to do what Shawn said: compile a bunch of songs that I feel represent who I am. Besides, making playlists is… really fucking fun.

~

It took an hour of adding, removing, and very specific placements, but I was happy about my playlist to the point where I was nervous. I sent the link to Shawn the next morning when I knew he was on the way to the gym. Figured he’d listen to it during his morning workout and get it overwith. But no.

No.

Basically, I’m a fool who forgets she’s dating a musician.

So here I was, thinking that Shawn would make of what he will about the songs I chose and we would never talk about it. Wow, was I fucking wrong. How did I not expect Shawn to want to know the why?

He was a little sneaky about it too. Shawn invited me over to his place after my classes, and why the fuck would I say no to that? Of course I went over, internally cursing myself for not shaving my legs the night before. He usually had the TV on and a steaming mug of chamomile ready for me whenever I came over no matter the circumstance. Today there was only tea, and a stupidly excited Shawn.

“We have music to listen to you today!” he said when he had me on his couch.

He knew I wouldn’t play dumb either. And because of the fact that I was looking at his stupid beautiful face, I couldn’t move away from this topic.

“Cool…” I said stiffly.

Jet Black Heart - Live

He pulled up the playlist, which I had titled with the black heart emoji, and hit shuffle. Completely going against the very intricate order I put each song in. He was surprised to hear an audience screaming at the first song, but he recognized the tune that came shortly after.

“Why’d you pick this one?” he asked, his arm going around the back of the couch, watching me with his stupid pretty eyes.

I chuckled. “It’s a goth joke! Everything about me is dark, even my heart!”

“And there’s a hurricane underneath it?” Shawn guessed. He really was going to pick apart the lyrics and apply them to me, huh? “Any reason why it’s the live version?”

The answer wasn’t anything too telling or cheesy. It was still hard to maintain eye contact as I explained. “Stella introduced me to this band. She dragged me to a 5SOS concert and now it’s our tradition to see them whenever they tour.”

“Is this your favorite song?”

“Live, yeah. It just reminds me of feeling so alive. Concerts are the only times I feel that way.”

Shawn grinned at the sentiment. He seemed happy with that answer and sang along to the rest of the song.

“And there’s your deep shit of the day,” I said when it ended.

“I want more.”

What I’m Made Of…

I felt a tiny pit in my stomach. I knew this song, and I knew that Shawn did not know this song. He was looking down at the album cover on his phone, thinking to himself. Then, he turned to me expectantly.

“So…?”

“Just enjoy the lyrics and the sick guitar solo.”

He was quiet for a minute. “Well, I do get your vibes from it. But you’re also reluctant to show me what you’re made of.”

I hesitated. “It’s uh, a battle song. I’ll fight someone for trying to forcibly take anything from me.”

“Like if somebody jumped you?”

“Physically, mentally, emotionally. Yeah.”

Again, silence. “You gonna fight me?”

I knew he was joking, and I cracked a grin. “Jury’s out.”

“Any reasoning behind this soundtrack?” He showed me the cover, and I internally tried not to panic.

I had plucked the song off the wrong album, and now Shawn knew I was a fan of a certain speedy blue creature.

So much for being cool and mysterious. I’m just a fucking nerd now.

“Nah, not at all,” I casually replied.

Honestly, I enjoyed this song. I love this song. Why else would it be on this playlist? But just this once, I wanted to skip to the next one.

And when the next one came, I wanted to skip again.

I Am… All of Me

“Do, do you kin a certain hedgehog?” Shawn asked, once again amused by the album cover.

“No…” I resisted rolling my eyes.

“This song definitely sounds like you. Tell me, am I dating a hedgehog?”

Suddenly, this felt less nerve wracking and more annoying. I sighed heavily.

“I thought you wanted to know more about me.”

He chuckled. “Hey, I’m trying. I’m interpreting all these songs in whatever way I can because you won’t explain them to me. Plus, this song is from a video game.”

“Did it occur to you that maybe I like the game this song came from? Maybe I casually like this whole franchise because-” I stopped myself upon seeing Shawn’s face light up, like he wanted me to go on.

But no, he made fun of me. This song is now void, and he will not get an answer.

“Because?” he coaxed.

“Because nothing.” I grabbed his phone out of his hand and skipped to the next song.

Without Me

“Oh, who hurt you?”

“You already know that story. Next!”

Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color.

Shawn looked at me for a moment, still trying to analyze the fuck out of my song choice. “I gotta say, I was expecting more goth music. You listen to a lot of mainstream artists.”

“There’s no rule saying I can’t. Mainstream artists are popular for a reason.”

“Touche. So why this song?”

“It’s what people think I am. Grumpy, bitter, always in black.”

"But that's not all you are." Shawn held his hand out to me, and I took it. He looked down at my chipped polish, running his fingers over my nails. "I mean, you are grumpy. Bitter? No, I'd say realistic. Always in black? Yeah, and you look beautiful all the time because you feel good in it."

That last part struck me. At least I didn't look odd to him. He didn't fall for the tough exterior I've built for myself. That little fact was both touching and terrifying.

"I know there's more to you than the way you dress yourself. It's why I like you so much." He grinned.

Cry With a Smile

"There's the goth metal you were looking for!" I exclaimed.

"Mm, your sense of belonging, as you put it. I know all about this already."

And he skipped to the next song.

A Little Too Much

Shawn perked up a little bit, a smile growing on his face. Then he looked at me, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "Is that me?"

Now my cheeks burned. "Yeah. This song feels like a callout."

"Babe…" He was still smiling as he leaned in to cup my face and kiss my forehead.

"Yeah, can you believe? I get tired of being a hardass sometimes." I was only half joking.

Not a lot of people knew my deal with anxiety and depression, much less why they intensified over the last couple of years. The urge to tell Shawn everything was beginning to form in my throat but I kept pushing it down. He looked too happy, and I didn't want to bring that down.

"You don't have to be a hardass around me," he said sweetly. "Actually, please don't be a hardass around me, okay? Everyone has their limits."

Then, he skipped to the next song, because he was sick of his own voice.

Fist Bump

Shawn looked at me once again, a grin on his face. Here we go again.

“I’m noticing a trend here.”

“I like this franchise, okay?”

“Okay, kinnie.”

I rolled my eyes and sat back, scrolling on my phone to diffuse the frustration. What was the point if he was just going to make fun of me?

“Hey.” Shawn gently placed his hand over my phone, getting me to put it down. “I’m only kidding. You can laugh.”

My eyes narrowed.

“I’m serious! Look, maybe if you just tell me what these songs mean to you, I’ll understand better. Just give me a chance.”

His eyes didn’t show any bit of deceit… But that’s how they all are. And everytime, I’m always a fool. So I sighed and tried not to cringe at my own words.

“It’s lame… and stupid… and really stupid. But all those silly little video game songs? They…” I exhaled, and chipped at my nails. “You know I deal with… anxiety and everlasting sadness…”

“You mean depression?” Shawn corrected.

“Yeah, whatever,” I went on. “The world is full of some real shit, and, and the songs and the games…” I made a face and looked down. “They’re comforting.”

It was silent for a minute before a hand went and cupped my chin. I was met with Shawn’s eyes and glowing smile. But then he opened his mouth and the most baby baby voice came out.

“Does Sonic make yew feew bettew?”

I smacked his hand away. “I swear to-”

But I didn’t finish that statement because he tackled me in a hug.

“Kidding, kidding! I’m sorry, baby, that was the last one, I promise!” He kissed the side of my head before leaning back to look at me. “I think it’s really cute you like this series.”

“It’s not cute, it’s self care,” I mumbled.

Head Above Water

“Finally, a song I know!” Shawn exclaimed, and he dove into singing along.

I forgot I put that one on the playlist. I meant to take it off. It only made me more nervous that Shawn already knew this song. He was one step closer to unlocking the big one.

He sounded beautiful as he sang, lost in the melancholy melody. I watched him, trying not to give anything away through my face alone. It was getting harder to keep it together, just from the little things I had already told Shawn.

And so came the inevitable expectant look. “So? Depression? Religion?”

Part of me wanted to let him think that. Depression is common, it’s easier to explain than the real reason. Besides, it’s not a lie. I do have my dark days, and even darker periods. But depression isn’t the reason for this song.

“Nope,” I replied.

“You know, Avril Lavigne wrote this when she was really sick.”

Dammit, he does know what this song is about.

I sighed heavily. “How do I put this in a way that doesn’t sound scary or pathetic?”

“You’re sick,” Shawn guessed with a chuckle. But the look on my face changed the mood, and he went serious. “How bad are we talking?”

“I get sick… every so often,” I explained. “It’s nothing scary, it’s just… chronic IBS. I can manage it, I just have to be careful with what I eat.”

He nodded as he listened. “So it’s not that bad, but it’s enough for you to have a whole song about being sick?”

I hesitated. “There’s another song, actually.”

“Two?” Shawn shifted in his seat. “So that must mean it’s a bigger deal to you than you’re making it out to be.”

And he thinks he doesn’t know me well enough.

I didn’t like talking about my health problems, unless it was with my doctor. I didn’t talk about how annoying all this shit was outside my therapist’s office. Anytime I felt frustrated about food, I talked myself down because it could literally be worse. Why would I whine about something so mundane?

“You know you don’t have to tone it down for me,” Shawn added when I stayed quiet for too long. “And, if it helps… now I understand why you read restaurant menus so carefully.”

“Like I said, I have to be careful.” My voice went thick for a moment, so I coughed. “I eat the wrong thing, and I end up sleeping in the bathroom til the wrong thing is out.”

“So it’s frustrating to deal with this all the time?”

“Yeah… and I spent two and a half years not knowing what was wrong with me, two and a half years going to the doctor more times than a young adult should for their age… two and a half years thinking I might die…”

Shawn’s eyes widened. “Years?”

“We went to a doctor in Mexico, and he finally diagnosed me with IBS,” I explained. “But that was after the words ‘lymphoma’ and ‘tumor’ were thrown into the mix. It’s not really something you forget. Oh, and I hate vomiting. I hate it so much that I can’t be in the same room as someone who might be queasy. So that’s annoying.”

“Wow…”

I suddenly felt a little self conscious. “I know it’s stu-”

“If you say stupid one more time,” Shawn cut me off. “This is the least stupid thing you could be talking about right now.”

“My anxiety links back to food, too. Think that’s important to mention.”

“Is that why you always want to go back to your dorm after a dinner date?”

Oof, so he noticed. I stayed quiet, so Shawn continued.

“I can take care-”

“No,” I said immediately. The last thing I needed was my boyfriend seeing me have a meltdown because I ate something spicy. The last thing I needed was for anyone to see me have an anxiety attack after vomiting. “It’s not your job.”

Shawn reached over to cup my cheek. Only then did I realize I had been tearing up, and he was wiping it away.

I turned my head away, dabbing at my eyes with my sweater sleeves. I didn’t want to look pathetic and I failed.

“I have to ask,” he said after a moment, “have you gotten sick at all since we started dating?”

“It is a chronic illness that I have.”

“And you just… you just took care of yourself? While you were sleeping in the bathroom?”

“Like I’ve always done since I left home.”

“Impressive. I always call my mom when I feel sick, and she comes over every time.”

I was honestly surprised. I was expecting him to be upset because I never called him in my time of need. And that alone, made more tears well up in my eyes.

“Hey,” he said, scooting closer to me. “It’s okay. You probably went through a lot before you got diagnosed. It’s frustrating, I can see it weighing on your shoulders. Just tell me if there’s anything I can do for you.”

I could feel him looming over me, waiting for me to fall back in his arms. The song had long since ended, and it wasn’t about the playlist anymore. Shawn was just waiting for me to do something. I couldn’t bear to look at him, because his kindness and understanding would make me break even more. He really was too kind, far more than I expected.

Even when I said nothing, and he took out his phone. I thought he got bored, but his next prompt made me look up at him.

“Okay, so that barbeque restaurant we went to the other night, we had spicy buffalo wings for an appetizer, so we won’t have those again. Any other food that might make you sick?”

I stared for a moment before I caught another tear with my sleeve. “Um… can we skip that whole restaurant? Barbeque and my stomach don’t mix.”

Shawn typed, and the only sound in the room was his clicking keyboard. “Got it. No more barbeque. Any other place or food to avoid?”

“It’s a long list…”

“That’s why I’m writing it down.”

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @ruinhoney @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss 

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x oc #shawn x goth gf #damn look at dis shit #xmas came a little late lmao #im a lil soft for shawn rn so yea

[jawnjendes]

bonus: why is their luck in a deeply sad moment? | shawn mendes

some type of au idk man, shawn x goth ex gf

WARNING: there is talk of death and suicide in this chapter. read at your own risk.

AN: i cant squeeze this into the next big fic nor can i fit it into shawn meets bc everyone hated it so its a bonus in the gg story lmao also im starying the Next Big Fic in a few days :)

masterlist | annalise’s playlist

2026.

"Sometimes I think about the what ifs,"  Ann said, “but I like where I am. I like what I’ve made for myself.”

Shawn had to invite her over to his house a second time, because the first time left him with many questions unanswered. He couldn’t be mad at what she said, though. He was in the same boat; he liked the life he made. You know, without the crushing loss and run in with the supernatural.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” he told her, and he really meant it. “I’m glad we were able to successfully do our own things straight after breaking up.”

“Nothing like filling the void in your heart with work!” Ann replied with a giggle. She moved a strand of hair behind her ear, and that’s when Shawn noticed something.

He took her hand and noticed a tattoo on the side of her middle finger: The Triforce.

“You got inked?” he asked, impressed.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she replied, grabbing her sleeve to roll it up.

There was a sword on her inner arm. It was varying in shades of blue, and it also had the Triforce on it. Shawn recognized it as the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda games.

“All this is is proof that I’m a nerd,” Ann said as she rolled her sleeve back down. “I notice you have some more ink also… and that you still wear shirts half buttoned.” She pointed to his chest.

Her finger poked the exposed skin. It shouldn’t have been as tingly as it was. Shawn smiled and placed his hand over his chest.

“More than just that,” he told her. “But I can’t show you all of them.”

Maybe it was a little risky to say that. Shawn would have taken it back if Ann’s cheeks hadn’t gone a shade of pink.

“I could say the same thing…”

Shawn quickly came to learn just how many tattoos Ann had gotten over the years. A snake and tombstones on her other arm. Feather on her collarbone, roses on her shoulder. A quote reading, “...but I’m not anymore” with stars around it on her ribcage. Something on her wrist that Shawn didn’t catch because he was busy pressing his lips to her hips and taking off her pants, where he found another tattoo. “Lucky you.” He certainly felt it.

Everything about their time together was so familiar, so easy and almost home-like. Ann’s skin touching his. Her lips perfectly molding over his. The quiet, needy gasps they both released into the bedroom. It was like going back in time, and they were in Shawn’s Toronto apartment instead of his multimillion dollar condo in LA. It was soft and slow, despite Shawn pinning Ann’s arms above her head. He didn’t outgrow that particular move, and she still seemed to like it.

Shawn had never been happier to have been on a break more than now. Most one night stands in the past began and ended very quickly, because he was on tour or in between interviews or on a break for one day. This was one person that he didn’t want to leave behind. They lied down, sweaty and dazed, facing each other. It was silent, but not awkward. Everything had a nice haze around it.

That was also when Shawn finally made out what the tattoo on Ann’s wrist was. He picked his head up in confusion.

“Is… are those torches?” he asked. “Upside down? Just like mine… and are those my initials?”

It was simple line art, less intricate than his own. Torches in an X, with “SM” right below them. Shawn has been floored many times, and this was no exception.

Ann picked her head up as well. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Shawn looked down at his chest, his torches were exactly the same, sans the initials. He wanted to give Ann the benefit of the doubt, that this wasn’t some creepy fangirl thing. Some of his one night stands ended up like that, and it wasn’t exactly easy to forget.

“It’s for a friend of mine,” Ann explained, sitting up and covering her front with the blanket. She took note of the look on Shawn’s face. “Keeping someone’s light on beyond death, remember? I assume yours is for someone too.”

They were both sitting up now, and Shawn relaxed. However, he only relaxed a little bit because now it was time to get deep.

“Mine’s for Brian. He died last year.”

Ann’s face fell. “No. Brian, your best friend? Brian, the one who constantly took the piss outta me?”

He nodded. “He was… there was an accident. Flight of stairs. Instantly killed.” It was all lies, but no human would understand.

A hand went over his, squeezing. “I’m so sorry. He just, he just fell down some stairs?”

“A lot of stairs. I don’t know I guess he was running or something. There was no way to save him. People in the house heard the crash, but by the time they found him - when I found him - it was too late.” He had told this version many times, enough times to where he could almost believe it himself.

“Fuck, man. That’s… that’s fucking terrible,” Ann said sympathetically. “But I seriously can’t believe you just told me that.”

“Why?”

“Because now I have to tell you that mine is for Stella. Those are her initials.”

Stella Martinez. Now Shawn felt a little stupid… but surprised, and he was met with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t believe it for a second, but it fully processed in his head, and his heart began to break.

“Stella from college? Stella, who was your literal opposite and also your best friend?”

Ann solemnly nodded. Then she looked down. “She… she killed herself.”

Shawn was stunned into silence, the tightness in his chest only intensifying. The entire time he knew Stella, she was always so positive and bubbly. She was the opposite of suicidal. That’s why it was such a shock… and so sad. Oh god, who was going to tell Camila?

“When did Brian go to the other side?” Ann asked after a moment.

“A year ago last month,” Shawn replied. “And Stella?”

Ann raised an eyebrow. “Two years ago last month...”

It was a strange coincidence, but still upsetting. Both Shawn and Ann lost their best friends at the same time of the year. The urge to spill everything was thick in the air. Still, neither of them said anything for a while.

Instead, Ann reached down to the floor to pick up her clothes. Shawn’s eyes were stuck on her and that was when he spotted another word on her back. Nightmare. Small font, right shoulder blade, surrounded by a cluster of skulls. Then, he realized what she was doing.

“Are you leaving?”

She looked up, bra in hand. She was quiet as she put it back on.

“No. No, I’m not going anywhere.”

And she crawled back into bed. She made the point to keep a distance from Shawn, who was still naked. He was on his side, looking at the woman before him. Only Ann could have sex with him and bring up the subject of death. That brought a new point to mind.

“How do you enjoy death?” he asked. “I think I’ve asked you this before, but after losing someone and attending their funeral, I’m having a hard time understanding your perspective.”

Ann took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t enjoy the act of dying. People die every day in horrible ways. People mourn and fall into depression because of death. That’s not something to enjoy.”

“So what’s your deal with it?”

“I’m just embracing the face that it’s inevitable. I do that for myself. I will die eventually, or tomorrow-”

Shawn made a face; he didn’t like that thought.

“It doesn’t make it any easier when someone I know goes,” Ann continued. “You’d think with all the research I’ve done it would be. The ones we love leave this mortal plane, and all they leave is their absence. And that alone is a lot to process.”

“What’s the hardest part?”

“The what if’s.”

Shawn asked because he really wanted to know more about what happened to Stella. He had to know the things that led up to the tragedy, mostly because he knew Camila would ask for details, even if they were hard to hear.

He figured he should spill his side first.

“The last thing I said to Brian was to get the hell out of my room,” he began. “We were fighting, fighting over something so fucking stupid, and I was so pissed at him. That was our last interaction. He fell down the stairs because he was trying to find me in this big huge mansion…”

Ann sat up a little bit, hand over her chest. “Here?”

“Oh no, not here. I was staying at a friend’s house in London for a work thing. Place was huge, easy to get lost in,” Shawn clarified. “Brian, Andrew, all of them were leaving back to Toronto and I didn’t want to go just yet. Part of it was because I was still pissed. Maybe if I had run into him first before he fell… If I hadn’t kicked him out of my room a few nights prior… If I was less of an asshole…”

“Maybe you would have slipped on the stairs,” Ann told him. “Maybe you guys would have had an even bigger argument later that would have ended your friendship. There’s no way to tell, and sometimes that’s what sucks the most.”

Huh. Most people tell him not to dwell on it. No wonder Ann was a shrink now.

“Losing someone is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to face,” she said. “It’s not easy in the slightest. Besides, the grieving period takes about three to five years, so you - we - are still in the beginning stages of it. Thinking about the what ifs, what you want to change, what you wish you could say to Brian - all of that is normal.”

The two of them let those words settle for a moment. Shawn’s eyes were a little misty, and redirecting the topic was probably not going to help. But he laid his stuff out on the table.

“What about you?” he asked.

“Me?”

“Your what ifs?”

Ann paused, looking around the room. “What if I had put my Master’s to use and noticed the goddamn signs?”

Shawn watched her, hoping she would at least return the eye contact.

“I’m an expert in this shit,” she said. “I have the years of school, the degrees, and the licenses for detecting things like this. I only figured it out the moment her dad called me.”

“How do you detect when someone is suicidal?”

“In her case, she was elated. When someone makes that decision, they reach a state of euphoria because they know their pain is about to end.”

“But Stella was always-”

“Believe me, I know. I hadn’t talked to her since graduating in Toronto, so I thought she hadn’t changed at all. But I would see on her social media, she just moved back to her parents’ house in Florida, and she hinted that she wasn’t happy about it.”

As if Shawn couldn’t take another blow. Come to think of it, he never heard much about Stella’s home life. He didn’t even think that it could be a negative place for her.

“I was in Jacksonville for work,” Ann continued, “so I hit her up, and we met up for lunch. We talked for about an hour, and she said that I was always a good friend and college wife and that she’ll always love me. And my stone hearted ass just said ‘cool, you don’t suck’ and that was that. A month later, she’s as blue as the pills she took.”

“Ooo…” Shawn sighed, cringing at that mental image. Sweet, warm hearted Stella cold and lifeless. Call it morbid, awful thinking, but Shawn wished Brian looked like that in death instead of the bloody mess he turned out to be.

“Yeah. And her parents had her embalmed and put in an airtight casket, but that’s a whole other rant.” Ann waved it off and lied back down.

Shawn didn’t know what else to do except lie down as well. While sharing the stories of how their friends died, he couldn’t help but feel just a little bit closer to Ann. The first time they met, it took fighting tooth and nail to get her to open up. Now, Shawn felt okay silently reached for her hand, and tenderly holding it in his.

Both of them winded up at the same awards show. Both lost their best friends. Both got the same type of tattoo to honor them. Neither of them anticipated meeting again. This couldn’t be a coincidence.

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss @peruvian-bae @theprivatewritings

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x oc #shawn x goth gf #if yall r pissedt abt brian #it had already been establishedt #i made my bed imma fukin lie in it

[jawnjendes]

One would be surprised to know the extent Annalise Flores would go to remain anonymous. She had a wig she wore specifically for work, and it wasn't just to look professional. All of her social media is private, not that she surfs the web for leisure these days. Her own family doesn't even know what she's been up to these last few weeks. This is the life Annalise chose. Always reserved, always a mystery. She preferred it this way.

So when she got back together with her ex, it wasn't exactly devastating to discover that she was not allowed to be seen with him in the public eye. Her ex-turned-current boyfriend is the world famous musician Shawn Mendes. They dated back in college prior to the fame, but that's a different story. This is now.

Staying away from Shawn in public was fine, and that's the truth. The world believed Shawn was dating Camila for the umpteenth time in his career. Well, some of the world believed at, and some was all that was needed. As long as Annalise didn't get under that terrifying microscope, she was good.

It just would have been nice to know sooner that Shawn and Camila were fighting to get out of their contract. What does this mean for Annalise and her privacy?

~

@normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @goldenmndes @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @someoneunimportantxx @calyumthomas @softmendesss @wronglanemendes @theprivatewritings @peruvian-bae

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes smut #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn x goth gf #shes back babey #for a limited time only

[jawnjendes]

bonus: i am all of me | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: the goth gf series is now a finalist in the @shawnblrficawards which is???? so fucking wild??? ppl care abt my story??? so yeah, to celebrate HERE IS A THROWBACK by throwback i mean this takes place in the university days, before the shawn meets series

goth gf masterlist | vote for goth gf maybe? | shawn meets masterlist

For someone who deviates the norm on a regular basis, I hung out with a lot of normal people. Most of my “goth” friends were back home in California, and the only “goth” friend I had here in Toronto was Patrick Markowski. He preferred not to be around the normies I hung out with, so it was just me against the world sometimes.

It’s not like I meant for my friend group to end up like this. At first, my only normal friend was Stella. But Stella was friends with Camila, who was friends with Shawn, who had been dating me for the last three months. Shawn was quite popular around campus, and he was always seen talking to someone. People liked him, and he loved people. I preferred laying low and being invisible, even though that was hard to do.

I was always in black lace, fishnets, platforms, or all of the above. I was rarely caught without my hair in my face or my signature winged liner. Putting me next to a normal guy was odd, and that wasn’t hard to notice. If Shawn introduced me to a stranger, that stranger always had the mildly disapproving stare. Not to mention, one of his friends just viewed me as the target to playfully bully.

When it came from the group of normal people I hang around with, it’s fine. Shawn’s best friend, Brian, constantly took the piss out of me. It was our primary form of communication at this point. I wear black, I steal souls and drink virgin blood. I can joke about it too. I actually liked it sometimes. It was fun to joke about my plan to steal Shawn’s heart and sacrifice it to Satan. Just girly things, y’know?

There’s something I didn’t appreciate, though. And it didn’t come from Brian or Shawn or anyone, really. It came from my own pride and lack of brain cells. It took one random game of Odds On with Camila that brought me face to face with a monstrosity and the realization that I may take this goth thing more seriously than I thought.

Camila was grinning as she held up the pink, ruffly dress. “You’re gonna look so pretty.”

Behind her, Stella was giggling. She witnessed the Odds On and was there to make sure I kept my word.

The dress was short sleeved, and the ruffles made a very poofy skirt. The pink was a horrifying pastel that made my skin crawl. I didn’t mind colors as long as I’m wasn’t the one wearing them.

“What dumpster did you pull that out of?” I asked.

“Forever 21!” Camila happily replied, laying the dress down on my bed.

“And you literally just bought this today?”

“Yup! You can keep it after as a token of my friendship.” She stuck her tongue out. “So, from sun up to sun down tomorrow, you have to wear this. And I have to see you at least once so I know you didn't cheat! No changing either!”

I always kept my word, almost to a fault. That’s why I didn’t bring up the knot in my stomach, or the dread hanging on my shoulders to anyone. I didn’t mention how pushing someone out of their comfort zone could do more harm than good. It was just a silly little bet. It was just clothing. I shouldn’t have been so worried about it.

That didn’t exactly stop me from telling Shawn about it over FaceTime. I kept my frustrations on a low simmer, knowing that Camila was one of my boyfriend’s friends.

“So don’t do it,” Shawn told me. “It’s a meaningless bet, right?”

“But I made a promise, and Camila already spent money at Forever fucking 21!”

“Mm, you do hate that store.”

“So much… Fuck, I’m actually dreading tomrrow.”

“Aw, babe…” He looked at me for a moment. “What if you fake sick? It’ll be believable since you get sick a lot.”

I hummed. “I’d have to wear it the next day. The point is for me to look stupid and out of character in public.”

“What if you accidentally damage the dress?”

“She’ll know I did it on purpose, and then I’d end up owing her…” I reached for the flimsy fabric on the floor and found the tag. “Thirty-five dollars?!”

Shawn didn’t say anything for a second. “Well… at least you look cute in pink!”

That made me groan in annoyance. No one seemed to get it. “It doesn’t matter how cute I look! It’s not my color! I’m gonna look so out of it and, and... “ I sighed and threw the dress back on the floor.

~

A deep pit formed in my stomach overnight. I wished it was enough to keep me bedridden, but the dress was going to be worn no matter what. I got ready for my morning classes as I normally did. Intense liner, black lipstick, kept my hair down. Put the dress on and paired it with my combat boots. Once I looked as least uncomfortable as could be, Stella came knocking on the door.

“Let me see, let me see!”

I couldn’t even fake a smile as I opened the door. Actually, I scowled at my roommate, who had her phone out. The flash went off, and I immediately used my bedroom door to shield myself.

“No pictures!” I snapped.

“Oh come on! Camila has to see that you followed through!” Stella replied. When I ignored her, she sighed. “Okay, my phone is in my pocket! And we’ll see Camila later today, anyway!”

I poked my head out the door, making sure my roommate kept her word. Still, nothing could really make this better. Well, apart from getting rid of the stupid dress.

"Let's get today overwith," I mumbled, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

Thankfully, Camila forgot to get a matching coat for today's look, so I found refuge in my leather jacket. That made going to classes a little easier, but I still felt out of place and just… not good. No one in my classes cared about how I looked, and that was fine. The permanent scowl on my face kept the guys in gaming club from saying anything at all too. My problem wasn't the fear of being singled out and made fun of. That happened when I dressed normally, I was immune to that.

Trust me, I was very aware of how dramatic I looked all the time. I knew just how odd I looked with my group of normal friends and my normal boyfriend. That's just how I am, and that's probably what bugged me. I was blending in too much, and it was so far from me that I wanted to jump out of my own skin.

Every part of me wanted to just fuck off to my dorm after my psychology class, but I had to remember my promise to Camila. She had to see for herself that I followed through. She sent a text asking to meet her at one of the picnic tables on the courtyard, and I knew damn well it wasn't going to be just her.

The distaste on my face was amusing to Camila, Stella, Brian, and Connor as I approached the table. I had my arms folded as their faces lit up in shock.

"Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine?" Camila giggled. "I can't believe you did it!"

I only chewed the inside of my cheek. Then, I turned to Brian, who was beside himself with silence. It's better than laughing in my face, I suppose.

"Go ahead, lay it on me," I told him.

"I would," he replied, "but Shawn…"

"Huh?"

The other three at the table were nodding in agreement. Camila pointed behind me, so I looked.

My jaw dropped.

There he was, six foot something in the exact same pink, ruffled dress as me. The top half of the dress was tight over his broad chest, it probably didn't zip all the way. The skirt was very short, showing a lot of Shawn's thighs. He bounded over to the table like nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Hey guys," he greeted, slinging his arm around me.

I was still caught with my mouth open at the sight of him.

"Oh my god," Camila said, floored.

"Well, don't we look pretty?" Brian said with a laugh.

"I'm always pretty, thanks," Shawn replied, dramatically running his fingers through his hair.

I was still silent. I didn't even know where to begin: The fact that the top half of the dress was one wrong move away from ripping? The fact that Shawn was on the receiving end of Brian's roasting? The fact that Shawn heard my mindless venting and took matters into his own hands? Or the fact that he did this shit instead of simply bringing me a bigger jacket? There was just too much to unpack here.

That, and a new appreciation for this guy I was dating. My shocked expression had morphed into a soft grin the longer I watched him casually talk with his friends.

It was a thoughtful(?) gesture, but it didn't fix anything.

~

I followed Shawn home like a lost puppy at the end of the school day. Apart from teasing thigh touches, neither of us had properly talked about our matching attire. Shawn talked about everything no matter what, so this was a little strange.

It was strange because I wanted to talk about it.

"So," I began when we were in his car, although I quickly realized I didn't know how to go about this. "Um… what the fuck?"

Shawn glanced at her once as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Huh?”

I gestured to the outfit, an expectant look on my face.

“Oh, that,” he said. “I figured you wanted the attention off of you.”

“So you got the same dress?”

“I got the same dress.”

There was a pause as I looked at him, a half smile on my face. My brain was still having trouble processing the fact that he did this… for me. Or, at all.

“Well…” I trailed off, pushing away the cheesy words threatening to spill out. “...that was pretty cool. Thanks.”

Shawn reached across the center console and took my hand. “You sounded pretty upset on FaceTime. I just wanted to make it a little easier for you.”

“It’s no big deal.”

He opened his mouth to say something else, but decided against it.

“What?” I asked. You can’t just do that and expect me not to question it.

Apparently, that was all Shawn needed for him to spill. “You made it seem like it was the end of the world. You kept saying that you had to follow through, but you weren’t happy about it at all. Even for a meaningless bet. I’m just wondering why.

“Uh…”

“You don’t have to tell me, of course,” he quickly added. “Whatever you want. I can listen, or we can pretend like this day never happened.”

If he had been looking at me and not the road, then this would have been an easy choice. Forget everything and burn the dress. But there was no eye contact in this vehicle. The words that had piled up in my throat since the bet finally started to spill out.

"Not to be all, 'it's not a phase mom,'" I began, "but the chokers, the dark makeup, and the skulls? It's all I am. It's apart of me. I was in black onesies as a baby. That whole subculture is my sense of belonging. The dark, creepy shit the mainstream world hates is my happy place. And it was taken away from me today.”

“So why didn’t you explain that to Camila? She would have understood.”

“I didn’t say anything because I would have gotten upset. Or worse, I would have cried.” I sighed. “Besides, it’s just clothing. It’s all vanity. It’s stupid for someone to throw a fit over things like that.”

I kept my eyes out the window. Shawn gently squeezed my hand to get me to turn back to him.

“It’s not stupid,” he told me. “You said it’s where you belong, and there’s nothing stupid about that. If how you express yourself is important to you, then no one can tell you otherwise.”

Oof, there’s that sting in my throat. I placed my free hand on top of his. “No offense to your friend, but if she wasn’t so taken with my friend, I would have clocked her for suggesting this in the first place.”

Shawn chuckled, then paused. “Wait. Taken with? Camila is taken with Stella?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. They seem close, I just didn’t wanna start anything with Camila, for Stella's sake."

"Gotcha. So…" Shawn's tone indicated that the subject was changing. "You gonna let me rip that dress off of you when we get to my place?"

"Mm… yeah."

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @ruinhoney @calyumthomas @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x oc #shawn x goth gf #we love posting twice #we love the fucked up tagging system lmao #its ok my things dont get notes anymore even if they do show in the tag

[jawnjendes]

shawn x goth gf masterlist

INCOMPLETE***

au where shawn goes to university for a bit prior to his fame. meets a girl with black lipstick and the rest is history.

i wish this series had a proper title but i guess thats what comes with writing every single time inspiration hits.

Season 1: beauty in the dark | spring semester. unnamed girl who wears black lipstick meets the popular guy with the guitar and the rest is history | playlist

something more than me

i could use something good

slow | bonus: let go of any hesitation [NEW]

mystery

kiss your fears goodbye | bonus: i am all of me 

take my hand and we’ll be alright

can’t see in the stormy weather 

tell me that i’m not crazy

little fighter

a particular lie

i’m not usually like this

but i like what you’re doing to me

we’re free

it came back for more

no medicine is strong enough

isn’t it obvious i’m a wreck

girl, you’re trouble

i’m tired too

i don’t know why

no one can replace me

kiss me

please don’t wake me up

~

bonus: prettiest girl at the party

~

Season 2: no sweet dream | fall semester. who said separation is only for married couples? | playlist

don’t want your hand this time

i should be running

i’m good at keeping my distance

i’ve been polite

what i can’t have

this pain persists | bonus: hell of a night

but i’ll show you my teeth

the truth hurts but secrets kill

you lost a part of your existence

it might be smarter to just cash out

dive into the dark

her eyes are tired

the fog will clear up

a different kind of me

i will take your pain

~

shawn meets... other people (you can skip this... except the last 2 chapters)

bonus: why is there luck in a deeply sad moment

~

Season 3: forevermore | we’ve come a long way since university. | playlist coming soon

prologue: i’ll be just fine

it’s always been you

a little bit longer 

i’ve loved you for all of my life [NEW]

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x reader #shawn x goth gf #masterlist

[jawnjendes]

what i can’t have | shawn mendes

chapter 5/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: a continuation from i’ve been polite. ANYWAYS uuuhh don’t drink and drive kiddos. also there’s smut in this, specifically dom!shawn, daddy kink, rough sex, unprotected sex, proceed if you wish.

***let me know if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist

masterlist | playlist coming soon

It was probably better that everyone piled into Shawn’s Jeep after dinner, despite the fact that no one was sober. Annalise was just a little too antsy, and if they were alone, she would have talked him into taking her back to his place. Hell, they might not have even left the restaurant parking lot with how much they were teasing each other. The sexting continued even after they left the bathroom, sharing steamy messages under the table.

Annalise was quiet as the others talked and laughed amongst themselves, sans Stella and Camila, who had taken their own separate Lyft to the bar on Camila’s insisting. She had been blushing deeply since the señorita comment, and no one, not even Stella, seemed to know why. Technically, Annalise should have been weary now that the two girls left Alessia by herself when they were supposed to keep her at bay, but it was a night for getting laid. Two rum and Cokes in, and Annalise decided that everyone should get laid tonight, and she was rooting for her wife.

For once, Annalise wasn't in a brooding silence where she seethed at everyone else having a good time. She felt content and warm and relaxed, actually wanting to hold Shawn's hand as he drove. She just had to touch him somewhere, anywhere at this point.

She reached out to him, but instead of locking their fingers, he placed his hand on her thigh. He kept his eyes on the road, but it was clear he hadn't forgotten the minor event in the bathroom. His white button up had stayed untucked and covered his crotch, making Annalise feel weirdly smug. She hardly ever got to rile him up like this, or feel like she was holding all the cards. It was new and exciting and such a fucking turn on.

They pulled into the parking lot after a while, only to find that it was quite full, and people were lining up out the door. Annalise spotted Stella and Camila already at the end of the line, standing awfully close to one another. She was honestly surprised they didn't ditch the shindig altogether by now.

"I'll drop you guys off at the entrance," Shawn offered, his fingers curling around his girlfriend's thigh, "and me and Ann will find a place to park."

"Sure thing, rockstar," Alessia replied from the backseat.

Annalise glanced back at her once. There's that nickname again.

Shawn pulled up to the front of the hole in the wall, and everyone piled out of the backseat. Technically, it would have made sense for Annalise to be among that group, given her massive fucking boots, but she really didn't care at this point. She and Shawn were now in a place where they could just flee and move things to his place.

However, Shawn silently found a parking space in the furthest corner of the lot. As soon as the car was still, he took off his seatbelt and looked at the girl next to him, moving his hand to the shoulder of the passenger seat.

"Gotta say, I like this role you've taken on tonight," he began.

Annalise quirked an eyebrow. "What role?"

"The one where you take control and render me powerless. I'll be honest, it's really fucking hot." His eyes trailed down her body, and then he was reaching over to untie the middle of her cardigan and letting it fall open, revealing the little black dress underneath. "And you've got your perfect tits out on display too. It's like you knew just how to get me going."

Heat was rising between the two of them, but Annalise felt it all over her body. “You say that like we haven’t been dating for ten months. Of course I know how to get you all hot and bothered.”

She took Shawn's hand while it was still within her grasp, and she moved as close as she could to his side of the vehicle. Shawn moved in closer as well, letting his nose brush the side of her face.

"Am I still not allowed to kiss your pretty mouth?" he asked softly, his voice full of docility.

Her lips were still rocking that blue color, given that she reapplied after dinner. Fuck, she really wanted him to kiss her. But she liked this passive side of Shawn too much, so she gently shook her head, leaving him to want more.

"What about here?" he whispered before pressing his lips on her cheek. "Or here?" He did it again, on the side of her jaw. "Here?" The side of her neck.

Annalise was too distracted to realize his hand was snaking underneath her dress. That is, until she felt his fingers touch her through her panties. She let out a shaky sigh, her hand moving up his arm. She didn't even have to ask him to touch her, he already knew her body talk so damn well.

Shawn kissed down her neck, suckling just light enough to make her body lean towards him. Then, he moved his hand away from her crotch and up to her boobs, not even hesitating to pull down the front of her dress. Thank god it was stretchy cotton. It was a bit of awkward maneuvering, but Shawn managed to reach under Annalise's pink bra (fucking pink!) and stroke her nipple with the tip of his finger. Just that little movement had her panting and whining, and he decided he could live off of those cute little sounds.

Her head fell onto his shoulder, and that's when Shawn knew he had her. He smirked as he heard her little needy whispers. Then he moved back down to her crotch, feeling her through the soft fabric once again.

"Please," Annalise breathed out. It was all she could say when she was this needy, and Shawn always knew what she wanted, but still had to hear her say it.

"Please what, honey?" he mumbled against the shell of her ear.

"Touch me more. Please, please…"

There was nothing like watching her assertive and smug persona crumble before him, and if this was any normal circumstance, Shawn would have taken this to the backseat, party be damned. But he had to teach his girl a little lesson first.

He pulled his hand back and moved away from Annalise entirely, unable to keep the grin off his face. He wanted to kiss away the cute little pout on her dark blue mouth, but this wasn't a normal circumstance.

"Honey, need I remind you it's your friend's birthday," he said gently, but that cockiness was still visible. "It would be rude to ditch her now."

Annalise went from pouty to furious in a split second, her eyes filling with their usual angry fire. She raised a finger to say something, but Shawn quickly exited the vehicle, feeling very stupidly proud of himself. Now he was in the lead of this game, as he should be.

He was still polite enough to wait for her to get out of the car, but he was smiling from ear to ear as she walked around to his side. She had taken off her long cardigan, leaving her only in the sleeveless black dress and exposing her sexy, sexy legs in those boots. The length of her dress didn't even touch her knees, Shawn noticed. Maybe he could get her to bend over for him later.

"Okay, I see you using my own tactics against me," Annalise spoke firmly, "and I raise you…"

She finished that statement but reaching under her dress and pulling a daring pair of pink panties down her legs. She didn't even bend her knees as she pushed them past her boots, showing Shawn the flexibility that was not utilized enough between the two of them. Finally, Annalise stood up straight again with a triumphant smirk on her face and approached Shawn so her boobs were pressing against his arm.

"Hold onto these for me, will ya rockstar?" She stuffed the skimpy panties into the pocket of his jeans, barely brushing against the boner that had come out to play again.

Shawn's jaw clenched, and the heat in his lower abdomen only intensified as Annalise walked away. He so badly wanted to grab her arm and pull her back into the car for the duration of the night, but she was already too far away. He reached into his pocket and curled his fingers around the pink lace, his heart racing at the fact that she had been wearing a cute, almost innocent color under her dark outfit. She only wore pink for Shawn, as it seems, meaning she knew something like this was going to go down. Tonight of all nights, when he hasn't seen her in two weeks.

"Oh," Shawn said to himself, wanting to smack himself on the forehead. The last time something like this happened was on a check in day. So was discreetly teasing each other in public the check in itself? Or would there be time to talk later?

That was the second time Annalise walked away from a very flustered and aroused Shawn, except now she was on the same level as him. If she had just given into him like he wanted, they could have been on their way back to his place. Annalise was just a little too determined to reign champion of this stupid little game.

"Where's your rockstar?" asked Alessia, looking around for the tall figure.

"He'll be here," Annalise simply replied, following the small line outside the bar's doors.

And he was. Shawn caught up to the group in a short jog, smiling at his friends.

"Let me guess," Brian said, folding his arms, "another case of the shits?"

"Mind your business," Annalise told him.

Stella piped up and changed the subject. "It's karaoke night! Who's gonna serenade me, the birthday girl?"

"Uh, me!" Camila said, raising her hand. "Who else?"

"Sí, ya sé señorita," Stella told her, affectionately cupping her chin. "Anyone else? Anna-banana?"

She started to shake her head, but Shawn put his arm around her. "That's a great idea! You should totally do it, Ann. It's your wife's birthday after all."

Annalise looked up at him and then the group. "True. Wouldn't wanna leave her hanging. I'll sing as many songs as you want, Stella. We'll be here all night if we have to."

Only Shawn was mildly put off by that sentence, and only Annalise knew why. She'll drag this thing out as much as she can for what it's worth. She knew the outcome of this night would end with her back getting blown out, and the more she made him wait, the better it would be.

"Fine, but I sing first!" Camila said before showing her ID to the bouncer.

The rest of the group followed inside the bar. This was far less fancy than the restaurant they were just at, but it was also perfect for getting absolutely plastered the way Stella had wanted. Camila went straight to the karaoke sign ups and confidently wrote her name and song, followed by Stella and Annalise picking their go-to jam. Then, Annalise ordered yet another rum and Coke, because she wasn't in the right mindset to just sing in front of a bunch of strangers.

Soon enough, Camila was belting out Demi's "Cool for the Summer" in honor of the birthday girl. Even while intoxicated, she sang perfectly and practically showed up anyone else who came before her. Stella and Annalise had to follow up that performance, and they chose Little Mix's "Joan of Arc."

Shawn watched from his seat at the bar, grinning as he nursed his whiskey. He watched Ann move her hips and sing to her heart's content, although the lyrics spoke a lot about "not needing a man." It was also narcissistic and sassy, just the right song for her. Shawn had never seen her have so much fun before. He needed to take her out drinking more often.

He also needed to fuck her into oblivion, especially when she and Stella squatted down during the bridge ("drop it so low that your thighs get sore.") Ann was standing behind her roommate as she went down, so she didn't accidentally expose herself as her legs opened wide. It still made Shawn shove his hand into his pocket again, feeling up the sexy lace. Then he set down his whiskey, knowing that if he was going to take Ann home, he had to be less intoxicated than he was getting.

"They just had to be that hot, didn't they?" asked Camila over the loud tune. She had been standing next to him, drink in hand. She was a little bit more inebriated, having had three rounds of vodka shots after her little performance.

It seemed like only she and Shawn were the last two standing members of the group. Alessia disappeared with Patrick on the dance floor upon seeing their friends put on a show, while Brian and Connor left to follow some pretty girls around. All that was left was two lovesick suckers and their clueless, stubborn dates.

"Aren't we lucky?" Shawn told her.

Camila hummed. "At least you know your girl is in fact, your girl."

He wasn't so sure. Yes, Shawn and Ann had been on each other all night, but what about tomorrow? Or the day after? Was she going to leave him a second time?

Then he actually processed what his friend said. He looked at her, eyes wide. He would have asked her to elaborate, but the current song ended and distracted both of them.

Only a few people applauded after Ann and Stella finished their song. Shawn and Camila whooped and clapped as hard as they could as they watched their girls come off the stage. Shawn smiled and held his hand out to Ann when she approached, pulling her into his side.

"Didn't know you could move like that," he said in her ear.

She placed her hand on the exposed bit of his chest, a tipsy grin on her face. Then she beckoned for him to bend down to her level so she could speak in his ear. "There's a lot you don't know about me."

Doesn't he fucking know it!

"Where's the rest of our squad?" asked Stella over the blaring music.

"Doesn't matter! Let's go dance!" Camila suggested, bouncing on her feet.

"I'm not drunk enough for that," Ann told her.

"Me either," Shawn agreed.

Camila pouted. "You guys are no fun!"

"Hey, but that means you get the birthday girl to yourself!" Ann said, nodding towards Stella.

That was all they needed to throw themselves into the large group of people dancing to the current karaoke song. It was all Shawn needed to pop the question to Ann after all this time.

"Wanna get out of here?"

~

Annalise felt warm and giddy after hearing Shawn's little anecdote about the first time he saw her. There was still an insatiable thirst deep in her soul that needed to be quenched, though, and excitement was pooling in her chest as they got closer to Shawn's apartment. The teasing and the build up was fun, but now neither of them could wait anymore.

Not to mention, Annalise's feet were aching terribly from her boots. The next best thing to getting laid was getting the chance to take off these huge blocks. She started to untie the laces when Shawn pulled into his parking space at the complex, but he placed his hand on her arm to stop her.

"Leave them on."

Annalise whined. "But my feet hurt."

"I'll carry you up to the apartment. Just don't take them off," he told her.

She was just tipsy enough to not think about the humility of getting physically moved out of the car in public. Although, she half expected to be carried out bridal style and not thrown over Shawn's shoulder. Annalise still giggled as she held onto his back, but her sounds only made Shawn whack her on the ass.

"Shush, there's people sleeping," he scolded as he shut the car door with his hip.

He didn't see her smile and bite her lip.

Once they were in the privacy of the apartment, Shawn set her down on her feet in the hallway. Annalise was way too smiley, her face flushed pink.

"You think you're so cute, don't you?" Shawn said to her, immediately backing her into the wall and towering over her.

She was still grinning. "You and I both know I'm adorable."

"Mmm." Shawn cupped her chin, his thumb stroking over her bottom lip. The dark blue lipstick she was so concerned about keeping intact all night was very faded now. "You think it's funny, what you've been doing to me all night? Teasing me with those legs and that underwear?"

"Oh, don't act like-" Annalise was cut off by her cheeks being squished together rather harshly.

Shawn was very close to her now, his nose touching hers. Her protruded lips were lightly touching his, but he wasn't going to give her the satisfaction so easily. Not after everything she put him through. All he did was gently take her bottom lip between his teeth, not biting nor sucking. Just teasing.

"Get your ass to the room," he ordered in a low voice.

The only reason why Annalise stumbled was because her feet were still in a lot of pain. Her heart pounded in her ears as she went into the bedroom, hearing Shawn's footsteps behind her. She turned to face him as she sat on the bed, and she slowly opened her legs to him. He was a total sucker for her in this position, especially since her panties were still in his pocket, but Annalise was surprised to see that he didn't drop to his knees right away.

"I didn't ask you to do that," he told her, his voice steady and clear. His chin was up and his chest was out, making his authority more clear.

"Maybe I don't wanna listen to you," she said back.

Shawn approached her, bringing his hand up. He cupped the side of her neck, his thumb gently moving across her throat, making her gasp lightly. "What was that?"

Adrenaline shot through her veins as she looked into his eyes. He wasn't playing games anymore. Annalise opened her mouth to talk back again, but the feeling of Shawn's hand tightening just the slightest bit made her stay quiet.

"That's what I thought," he said, a certain glint in his eyes. "Now get on your knees for me."

He let go of her so she could oblige, but she only bowed her head and spoke softly. "Can I take off my shoes?"

"Hmm, no. You look way too sexy to get rid of them now."

Annalise silently got down on the floor, sitting on her legs. She now knew how this was going to go, and it was making every part of her body tingle. She pursed her lips as she ran her hands up Shawn's muscular thighs, reaching for his belt buckle. She wondered in the back of her mind if the belt would be left on the floor the whole night, or if Shawn would decide to use it for anything else. Finally, she was pulling his jeans down the way she did at the restaurant and she ran her fingers over the kiss mark left on his underwear.

"What are you smiling at?" Shawn asked, moving his hands into her hair. "Come on, put your sassy little mouth to work."

"Or what?" Annalise looked up at him, feeling a little daring and, like he said, sassy. "What are you gonna do about it?"

Shawn narrowed his eyes, the corner of his mouth turning upwards. "There's no way to shut you up, is there?"

"Nope!" She grinned and then continued by pulling down the front of his Calvins. His hard, pink cock sprung out, and she took hold of it at the base, pumping slowly. She then carefully wrapped her soft lips around the tip, and that was when Shawn pushed on the back of her head and made her gag.

Annalise pulled off with a heavy cough. She didn't dare look up at Shawn, knowing he was probably already enjoying this. She slowed her breathing as she pumped his shaft some more.

"Oh, look," Shawn told her, moving his hips forward towards her lips again, "a way to shut you up."

She closed her eyes as she sank down on him again. This time, she went a little slower, suckling at the tip and pumping whatever she couldn't fit in her mouth. Shawn held her hair up and let out a soft breath, watching as his cock disappeared behind her pretty lips as he let her go at her own pace. But it didn't stay that way for long. He began to move his hips in rhythm with her head, making her take even more and really pushing her limits. He let out a deep breath as he touched the back of her throat, loving that his girl was being so compliant.

The tiniest little whines came from the back of Annalise's throat, sending even smaller vibrations on his cock. Shawn grit his teeth and tightened his grip on her hair, and he began to control the movements of her bobbing head. She whined even more, her eyes watering as hollowed her cheeks and let her mouth be used. Her fingers dug into his thighs, trying not to gag on the size of his cock.

Shawn had never been this rough with her before, but she loved it. She needed more of it. She needed more than to just be facefucked like she was some sex doll.

"Fuck yeah," he whispered, watching as he controlled his girl's movements, loving the feeling of her warm mouth engulfing his cock completely. Finally, he held her still, her nose touching his pelvis. He could hear the short, faced paced breaths coming out her nose, and it was only a bigger turn on.

Annalise had mascara under her eyes when she was finally pulled off. Saliva covered her chin, and blue lipstick was smudged down her bottom lip. Shawn noticed a dark blue circle around the base of his cock and he chuckled. He's never had a girl quite like this one.

"Catch your breath and get on the bed," he told her, gently gripping her arms as he helped her stand up. "On all fours."

She couldn't really look at him when he was like this. She felt as though she would melt into the palm of his hand, as if she wasn't already dripping. Just as she turned to get on the bed, Shawn placed his hands on her waist. He bunched up her dress and slowly lifted it over her head. Then, he undid the clasp of her bra and took it off her as well.

"That's better," he mumbled, snaking his arms around to her front, getting a handful of her breasts. He fondled for a moment before letting her get on the mattress. Then, he took off his blazer and unbuttoned his shirt, letting it fall to the floor.

Annalise timidly looked back, biting her lip as she watched him strip down. Without further instruction, she slid back on the bed and raised her ass in the air, wiggling just a little bit.

"That's my girl," Shawn praised as he slapped one cheek. "Already knowing how I'm gonna take you."

She buried her face in her arms as she let out a squeak. Insitictivelt, she tried to wiggle her toes to cope with the sting but… boots. Her heart nearly beat out of her chest as she felt the mattress dip behind her and she peered over her shoulder again, watching Shawn line himself up behind her.

In the same moment, he reached over and pushed her head back down on the mattress. "Stay down."

His hands moved down the curve of her ass, admiring the little red marks his rings left behind. He decided he should wear them more often if he was going to teach his girl a lesson. Then, he ran his hands down her long, beautiful legs, gently holding her ankles. Her flesh was smooth and warm and so, so perfect. Seeing her in nothing but those platform boots did something inexplicable to Shawn. He would have taken his time exploring every inch of her body if he wasn't so desperate to fuck her and show her who's boss.

Shawn moved his hand in between Annalise's legs, and she easily spread them open, already at his disposal. He sucked in a breath as he got a look at her wet pussy, bringing a single finger to feel the warm wetness. He felt her pulse right on the cunt, knowing she was ready for him to take her. She leaned into the light touch, panting softly, needy and desperate.

"You want it, baby?" he asked, slowly moving down the slit and back up, the tip of his finger soaked.

Annalise nodded wildly. "Yes…"

"Hmm, I don't think you do, honey."

"Please," she whined, elongating the vowel as she wiggled her ass some more. "Please, I need it!"

Shawn was grinning, almost amused by her little movements. His finger barely dipped between her folds, and he kept his free hand firmly on her hip to keep her from backing into it; He wouldn't let her have it that easy. Then, he lined himself up again and replaced his finger with the tip of his cock, waiting to hear more sweet little sounds, and he wasn't disappointed.

"Please… Daddy, please… please fuck me, Daddy..."

It came out in a whisper, but it still hit Shawn with even more heat. So much, he actually had to insert himself just a little bit. He let out a deep breath upon feeling the warm tightness of her pussy, his fingers digging into her ass cheeks, and then he kept talking.

"Say that again, honey." He slapped the cheek once again when he didn't get a response right away. "Say it!"

It sounded like it came straight from a cheap porno, but he was an absolute sucker for it anyway. "Fuck me, Daddy!"

"That's right," Shawn growled as filled her to the brim. "Oh, that's my girl…"

They both moaned out at the feeling, finally getting some relief after building each other up all night. Shawn was still for a few moments, letting Annalise adjust, but then she started to fuck herself on his cock, her ass moving smoothly and swiftly in a quick rhythm. He couldn't help but spank her again, his silver rings making it sting even more.

Annalise was a fucking mess, her face contorted with pleasure and sweet relief as she finally got what she wanted all night. Her ass felt hot and painful from where she was hit, and it was only fuel to the fire. Pain never felt so good, and she wanted more. She asked for things she typically never asked for: hard slaps, hair pulling, a well timed bite on the neck. Shawn gave it all to her, grumbling dirty words in the process. He loved taking her this way, leaving her ass red with all the spanks he delivered.

"Here, lie flat," he told her, tapping her hips so she could move.

With a small mewl, she did what she was told, evidently sliding his cock out of her. Shawn hovered over naked body, moving her hair away from her back. Rough and ruthless as he was, he couldn't stop himself from planting kisses on her lower back, caressing her waist in an affectionate manner. He dragged his lower lip up her spine, leaving one last kiss between her shoulder blades and smiling against the skin as she felt her back arch. Then, he held the base of his cock and swiftly slid it back into her cunt, falling back into a rhythm again. He scooped up her hair into his fist and tugged just enough to make her tilt her head back.

"Oh, Daddy," she moaned, holding herself up on her elbows.

Shawn couldn't deny how much he loved that nickname. Annalise had only let it slip one time before this, and it was rather difficult to find a time for him to ask her to say it every time they were in bed. Now, he didn't even have to ask her, she just had to be so deep into this state of mind that she'll let out anything she's thinking. Shawn tugged at her a little more, growling deep in his chest as he felt his end approaching fast.

"Fuck baby," he groaned, thrusting so hard their skin was slapping together. "Fuck, this pussy's mine now. So fucking good for me, baby, you're so good."

The two of them let their moans fill in the room, unable to form words now. The bed creaked with every erratic movement, and neither of them cared when they hear a loud snap from under the mattress. Then, Annalise cried out, her legs lifting up and causing her thick heels to dig into Shawn's ass. Next thing he knew, he felt the tiniest stream of liquid around his cock. For a moment, he was confused and went still for a second, but hearing her continued moans and feeling her clenching pussy around him made him piece it together. Shawn had to pull out as soon as he realized because holy fuck he never experienced something like that before and it was way hotter than he imagined. His mouth fell open as ribbons of cum spurted out onto her ass, making a beautiful mess all over the flesh. He could have dragged it out longer, but it was way too sexy and he really needed to see Annalise do that again.

"Come on, baby, ass up," he told her as soon as he was done, grabbing her by the hips.

"Yes, Daddy," she replied, assuming the position.

If Shawn hadn't finished, he would have been hard all over again. He pushed two fingers vigorously into her entrance, the wet smacking sounds filling the room. He curled his fingers in her spongy wetness, desperate to find the spot that made that cute little noise come out of her. He tried to coax it out of her, "Do it again for Daddy, come on…" He reached around with his free hand and rubbed her clit the way she liked, getting more gorgeous sounds out of her.

Finally, her voice went up an octave, and then more liquid spurted out, leaking down the palm of Shawn's hand. She was clenching repeatedly around his fingers, her hips twitching slightly. Shawn really couldn't believe his eyes, and he chuckled in disbelief. He made his girl feel this good.

Annalise rolled onto her side as soon as she was spent, so Shawn quickly reached down to grab his shirt off the floor. He shifted her slightly just to wipe the cum off her cheek, and then he went to untie the laces from her boots. He carefully pulled them off and set them on the floor. Finally, he carried Annalise to the pillows and draped the comforter over her. He crawled into bed with her, and she quickly nestled herself into his side. Shawn wrapped his arms around her like it was second nature, letting her legs tangle with his, and he sank into the afterglow.

Her eyes were shut, her body was fully melted into the mattress, but she still spoke clear as day. "You should handle me like that more often."

Shawn smiled and kissed the top of her head. "Anything you want, honey."

It was only a few short minutes of cuddling before Annalise heard her phone buzz from wherever it was in the room. She sighed and picked her head up, but Shawn didn't dare let her go just yet. He watched her sleepy face search for the source of the noise, and then he gently moved her head with his free hand back to his shoulder. She complied yet again, her arm going around his waist.

"I need to go soon," she mumbled into his neck.

"No you don't," Shawn replied, giving her a light squeeze. "It's late, really late. Just spend the night."

Annalise hummed. "I need to take off my makeup. And I don't even have extra clothes here."

He had a feeling she would make that excuse at some point. He made sure to be prepared ahead of time. "There's makeup wipes here for you. And you still have a drawer full of your clothes here."

Once again, she picked her head up and looked down at him. "You really want me to stay?"

"Of course I do, why would you even ask?"

"Because we were only supposed to check in."

"Well we clearly got busy with dinner and the bar. And like I said, it's so late and I don't want you going out there by yourself in a Lyft. Just stay with me, please."

Wordlessly, Annalise climbed out of bed and picked her bra up off the floor. Her brows scrunched a little bit as she put it on, like she was in pain. She grumbled something in Spanish as she stumbled into the bathroom.

Shawn rolled onto his side and watched the door close. He was tired and content a minute ago, but now that the chance that Ann might just ditch him during the night was keeping him up. Once was bad enough. He just wanted her here so he could make her breakfast and help nurse the hangover that was bound to happen. Not only that, she could also meet-

"Did I leave these here?" She had opened the door again, peering her head out as she held up the white packet of wipes.

"No, I had them here in case you ever wanted to sleepover," Shawn told her. "I know you like your skincare."

She smiled and then shut the door again. Then, Shawn heaved himself off the mattress and went to put his underwear back on. After that, he approached the door to the bedroom, which had been left open just a crack. He peered out into the living room finding no sound and no interruptions. He decided he'll save the introductions for the morning… or whenever he and Ann wake up.

_______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @poppyshawn @shawnvvmendes @shawmndes @shawnsunflower @calyumthomas @wronglanemendes @havethetimeeofyourlifee @yourdeflightfullyleft

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #yup that happened #that definitely happened

[jawnjendes]

i will take your pain | shawn mendes

chapter 15/15, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: last chapter bitch.

masterlist | playlist

A number of people stopped Shawn for selfies and autographs after the show. An even bigger number of people bought merch, and were walking around the bar wearing T-shirts with his name on. Shawn felt like he was in the clouds, but there was still something he had to do before he let himself fly. He pulled out his phone during the short two minutes he had between fan interactions, wanting to text Ann. He had lost her when the crowd moved to meet and touch him, and he wanted to make sure she wouldn’t leave so soon.

For once, she texted first.

“Meet me outside when you can.”

Shawn moved a little quicker through the people who wanted selfies. It still took all of forty five minutes to get to all of them. Some wanted selfies, others wanted a conversation, and one specific fan really wanted Shawn to take her pink cowboy hat. Shawn had a different girl on his mind, though, and wasted no time to get outside once he was free.

Ann was by the lounge entrance, arms crossed and leaning against the wall. She was almost hard to spot in the dark, because of her equally dark attire. Shawn could never miss her; She was the beauty in the dark, after all.

He approached her, a soft smile on his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but once again, she beat him to it.

“I’m gonna talk for a minute.”

“Please,” he said with a nod.

Ann looked around, watching people walk past. Then, she looked up at the sky, noticing the dark clouds. Shawn looked up as well, only to receive several raindrops to the face. Ann gestured for Shawn to follow her. She lead them just a little up the road and stopped at an alleyway.

“We doing a drug deal?” Shawn joked.

“Shut up.”

“Okay.”

She sighed quickly and looked around again, covering herself with her black denim jacket. “Um… I really loved your set. Like, I forgot how much I loved seeing you perform. You look so good, so happy. Radiant. And the songs! I don’t even have the words!” Her voice was getting higher pitched and just a little shaky. “I’m happy that you’ve been writing and singing again after… after everything I put you through.”

Shawn tilted his head. “You put me through?”

There was a pause as Ann rubbed her hands together, and it definitely wasn't because she was cold. She looked at the ground, then the sky, then at the street. When she spoke again, her voice cracked.

“I took a lot of my feelings out on you. You were just trying to help and I kept pushing you away. And not just this semester, but while I was recovering from surgery too. And you were having nightmares because of me and I feel so, so guilty for it.” She paused to clear her throat. “I thought the only option was to separate and… and I’m sorry for you pushing you away when I was going under.”

Shawn felt a sting in his throat, his heart pounding. “I told you I’d do it all again. Wouldn’t even hesitate.” He stepped closer. “And the nightmares… that’s not on you. It’s because of you why I went to therapy. I wouldn’t have gotten the help I needed if it wasn’t for you.”

Ann’s eyes were shiny under the nearby lamp post. “I… I didn’t even know post surgical depression was a thing. I didn’t even know something like that could be traumatizing. I, I thought if I was going to regain my strength and independence and ease my guilt… I thought I had to do it alone, like how I used to. I just wanted to go back to who I was before the surgery. But I’ll never be that person again. And I can’t - I can’t do it alone. I need you.”

Shawn closed the gap between them and cupped her face. “I’m here, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, okay?” He kissed her forehead gently, and then her head was against his chest. His own tears fell as she cried silently.

Really, he had no idea just how deep this thing went. It wasn’t just a case of cabin fever that spiraled, or arguing that went too far. Ann was grieving the person she was before the depressive episode hit. She was mourning a loss. In return, Shawn was just angry at her and pushing for her to open it all up. If he had known sooner, he would have been better at giving her the space she needed. He would have done more for her.

“Hey,” he said softly, making her look up at him. “You know you’ll get through this, right? And I’ll be here for you no matter what. I’ll do it all a thousand times.”

Ann sniffed. “Let’s hope we don’t have to do it a second time.”

Shawn offered a grin.

“And anyway,” Ann continued, wiping her tears with her jacket sleeve, “I love you, or whatever.”

“I love you too.”

“And if it wasn’t obvious, I’m calling off the separation.”

He grinned even wider. “Seriously? You’ll be mine again?”

She shrugged. “It’s not like I ever wasn’t.”

Shawn felt his insides turn to mush. Just a minute ago, they were both emotional wrecks. He leaned in to kiss her, but Ann was suddenly smiling wide too. Their lips touched swiftly, Ann holding his wrists, sparks and fireworks setting off between them.

“Don’t make a big deal outta this when we get back in there,” she mumbled.

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” Shawn said back.

She sighed. “Fine.” Then, she grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him out onto the sidewalk, in the rain. “Might as well make it extra fucking cheesy.”

Then, she pulled him in for a deep kiss. Shawn was so consumed by all of her - her lips, her soft breaths, her scent - he couldn’t even be mad about getting rained on. His arms went around her waist, pulling her close as his mouth moved slowly with hers. They paused for a breath several times before joining lips again, Ann running her fingers through his now drenched hair. Her tongue slowly touched his bottom lip, making Shawn pull back.

He kissed the corner of her mouth, then her cheeks. He opened his eyes when he heard her shaky breath, concerned that she had started crying again.

“Baby-” He cut himself off, realizing that her jaw was chattering. “Are you cold?”

“Yeah. Aren’t you?” she replied.

Shawn nodded, now noticing the intense chill on his arms. “Let’s get back inside.”

~

Most of the afterparty took place at The Cameron House, meaning that Shawn didn’t have to play host to all of his friends and some strangers. After 2AM, everyone was pretty partied out, giving Shawn and Ann a way out. Somehow, Shawn still spent another hour saying goodbye to friends and fans who were on their way out as well, while Ann waited at the bar. After a couple of drinks, spirits were high between the two of them. She wasn’t in a hurry to leave.

Shawn didn't even have to ask her to come spend the night. Actually, Ann told him that Stella was her ride, but she took Camila home.

"I'm sleeping over at yours for the convenience," she joked when they were finally in the car.

He reached over and rubbed her arm. "The convenience being that you love me?"

She grabbed his wrist. "Shhh…"

"Nah, you love me, I heard you say it!"

"You're cute or whatever…"

He took her hand and kissed her fingers. Tonight has just been way too good, and it was definitely going to get better. Ann returned the pressure in their hands, smiling to herself.

They got back to the apartment only to discover a squeaky cat. Henry was on the kitchen counter, her green eyes wide and borderline demanding. A strange thing about her was that she didn't properly meow, she just let out tiny squeaks and mewls.

"Ooo, someone's mad at me," Shawn said as he set down his guitar case.

"Why?" Ann asked as she leaned against the kitchen sink.

"I may have forgotten to feed her before I left." He scratched Henry's chin, and she nuzzled into his hand. "Yeah, she's being cute because she's hungry. Do you want food, Henry?"

The feline mewled again, completely alert. She mewled even louder when she heard the familiar shuffling of the bag of cat chow.

"I know, honey, don't yell at me," Shawn told her as he filled her bowl. "Don't come yelling at me in a half hour when you finish your food."

Ann giggled from behind him, making him turn to her.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," she said as she stepped towards him to snake her arms around him. "You're cute with your cat."

"How many drinks did you have?" he asked in response.

"One and a half, and it barely did anything."

She clearly didn't see how flushed her cheeks were. It was insanely adorable, Shawn couldn't help but run his thumbs across the red patches on her face. Brown eyes surrounded by heavy liner never looked so goddamn pretty. Black lipstick never looked so good. How did Shawn end up with someone like Ann?

He noticed something shiny on her jacket collar. Moving her hair aside, Shawn noticed the roses pin he got for her, and smiled.

“You really liked these, eh?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” she replied. “They’re grave markings! You know me and Death are lovers!”

Shawn hummed. “I love you more than Death does. He hasn’t even taken you out yet.”

“He tried, but I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment.”

“You’re too cute. Drunk, but still cute,” he told her, kissing her nose.

Ann craned her neck to reach his lips, and he didn’t hesitate to give back just as much. His fingers tangled into her hair, hold her close as he finally kissed her the way he had been wanting to for months. It wasn’t full of lust or a need to rip each other’s clothes off, not this time. Their lips pressed together softly, lingering when they pulled apart. Ann rested her head on his chest, actually hugging him now. Shawn wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her close.

“I really missed you,” she mumbled.

Shawn might as well have ripped his own heart out and gave it to her. “I missed you too. So much.”

Ann kissed the center of his chest, her nose nuzzling against the hair on his skin. “I love you so much. Like, I’m probably in love with you and I’m terrified.”

He practically melted into a puddle. “Don’t be. I’ll take care of you.”

The balance of the universe was restored. Everything means something again.

~

“Ann, wake up!”

Brown eyes flipped open, Annalise’s entire body jerking by the sudden noise. She squinted at the bright sunlight entering the room, and she rubbed her eyes. She had less than two drinks, she couldn’t possibly be hungover.

Shawn’s face was hovering over hers, wide awake and completely delighted. Gently shaking her shoulder, he cooed, “Ann, baby, wake up! Wake up! Are you awake?”

She reached up to push his face away, but he grabbed her wrist and kissed her hand.

“I got a message on Twitter!” he exclaimed, holding her hand to his cheek.

“So?” she grumbled, wanting nothing more than to be cuddled back into slumber.

“Ann. It’s from Bella Santiago.”

She blinked a few times. “Shut up.”

“I’m serious.”

“Shut up.”

“She wants to fly me out to Los Angeles.”

“Shawn I’m gonna kill you!” Annalise snapped as she sat up.

He showed her his phone, where he had the message open. Annalise read it, mouth hanging open. She looked at her boyfriend in disbelief. It wasn’t just a mere follow. It was going to be something more.

_____

lmao is it really over? nah. 

NEXT SERIES: Shawn Meets... (a separate taglist will be made for that series, let me know if you want to be added!)

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @goldenmndes @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @shawmndes @ruinhoney @someoneunimportantxx @calyumthomas @yourdeflightfullyleft @havethetimeeofyourlifee @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea @softmendesss @mutuallynotmutual

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #a bitch listened to hesitate on repeat while shawn n ann were talkin #n a bitch may have fuckin cried #i hope yall did too #if ur not dont talk to me

[jawnjendes]

please don’t wake me up | shawn mendes

university au summer lovin/lovin in the summer time, shawn x goth gf/oc

AN: holy fuck its the season finale. yup this is the last chapter. imma keep writing tho... oh btw this is just smut

masterlist

"Kiss me."

"You don't have to tell me twice," I breathed out before picking my head up to connect our lips together. My hands went to either side of Shawn's face, keeping him as close as I possibly could. I was desperate for something more than a simple peck, and I was determined to get it now that Shawn was back to where he normally was.

His big hands moved down my thighs and under my knees, hooking both of my legs around his waist. In the same move, Shawn moved his hands underneath me, tightly gripping my butt. My stomach fluttered with excited butterflies as I felt the heat from his body against mine. This went from chaste to horny so fast it was making my head spin.

I found purchase in the hair on the back of his head, letting my tongue slip into his mouth. The delicious feeling of making out with him along with the wet sounds of our mouths colliding sent me straight into the clouds. I sucked on his bottom lip just a little, and Shawn let out an equally small groan into my mouth, his hips rocking against mine once. It got me so hot I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed to hear more sounds come out of him.

We finally broke apart after a while, and a translucent trail of saliva was still connected between our lips. Shawn looked down at me with hooded eyes, his pretty lips swollen and pink like the patches on his cheeks. In a second, he was moving soft but desperate kisses down my neck, while his hand moved up my body. I tried to catch my breath as he suckled new spots onto the crook of my jaw but it kept getting knocked out of me the more he touched me. I wasn't wearing a bra underneath my black After Forever t-shirt, so Shawn was able to tweak my nipple through the fabric, making me lose my breath even more.

"You okay?" he mumbled against my neck, pausing his actions.

"Don't stop," I replied in a whisper. I slowly moved my hips up against his, my toes curling at the sensations. I wrapped my arms around his middle and put pressure on his back, wanting to feel him on top of me.

Instead, Shawn moved his mouth further down my body. He mouthed at the black cotton of my shirt, reaching my nipple. He wasn't one to shy away from using his teeth right off the bat, he knew I went crazy over the feeling. It was a reflex we both marveled at; The more he toyed with my nipples, the more my hips would buck up on their own. It didn't take long for me to pull on his pajama bottoms, or for him to tug on my shirt.

We both sat up and hastily pulled at whatever clothes we had on. Shawn was quick to get my shirt over my head, and then he was sitting back to yank off his pants. I was ready to get on my back, my front, whatever humiliating position he wanted, but he paused and stared at my nearly naked body, something twinkling in his eyes. I looked down at the scars on my abdomen, reminding myself that he actually had his mouth there. This wasn't a time to be feeling insecure on my part.

With my chin up, I leaned forward and placed my hands on Shawn's massive thighs. My eyes traveled from his crotch all the way to his eyes, letting him see whatever he wanted to see. I was nervous too. It felt like we were starting from scratch, and we had to do it right. I was able to compose myself enough to take the reins and make sure he was comfortable, like he did for me many months ago.

"You okay?" I asked softly.

He nodded. "You're just beautiful. I've missed nights like these."

That gave me the overwhelming urge to just pounce and let him have me, but instead I sat back and gestured to the headboard. "Sit here."

A smirk grew on Shawn's face as he crawled up to the front of the bed. He sat and leaned comfortably against the headboard, a knowing look on his face. I let him watch me as I pulled off my underwear, and apparently it was so attractive Shawn just had to palm himself through his briefs. I decided that at one point, I had to watch him touch himself. But that was for another time. He chewed on his lip as I crawled up to meet him, and I found my place in straddling his lap.

Tense eye contact only made things heighten even more. With a cheeky grin, I brought my hand up to his chin and pulled out his bottom lip with my thumb. His eyes were big and round, like he was ready to let me be in charge. I stared down at his lips, taking in just how pink and lovely they were and just how smug I felt knowing only I could kiss them as much as I pleased.

"Do we have condoms?" I asked, the thought smacking me upside the head all of a sudden.

Shawn blinked, clearly dazed. "Um… yeah, in the drawer. Babe, do we really-"

I placed my finger on his mouth. "Yes, my dear. We do."

He placed his hand on my bare back as I leaned over to the nightstand and pulled open the drawer. His fingers glided up my spine, giving me chills and the slightest thought to just ditch protection altogether. However, I found one square packet and tossed it onto the mattress. It helped me relax even more, so I sat up again and kissed him once again.

Shawn groaned as his hands found my tits again, thumbs rubbing fast at my nipples. Before I knew it, I was grinding on his hard cock and our breathing was way too staggered to keep our lips together. My fingers rubbed against the hairs on his chest, and I dipped my head down to his neck, biting into the skin. Shawn let out a low groan deep in his chest and tilted his head, accepting more of what I was giving him. My hips moved slowly while he remained compliant under me, his fingers slowly tracing up my spine and making my back arch.

"Mm, fuck," he mumbled as he cupped my ass cheek. "Need you, baby. God, I want you so bad."

"Touch me a little first," I told him as I leaned back, taking his hand and guiding it down between us. "Let me feel your pretty fingers."

I returned the feeling just as much. I reached into his black Calvins and squeezed his cock in my hand while he inserted a long finger into me. We both moaned out at the feeling, chasing the euphoria for the first time in far too long. My head tilted back, trying to split my focus between the feeling I was giving and the one I was receiving. But his finger was curling in just the right spot, and it only tightened my grip as I pumped his shaft. Shawn cupped my face with his free hand and insisted I look at him, coaxing me with his sweet voice. His hand was so close to my neck, it made me growl. I actually growled.

"I want your cock," I moaned, unable to control myself. "I want your big cock in me, baby."

In a split second, Shawn had both of his hands on the back of my neck and he was pulling me in closer. He had been so unnaturally passive before, and now that was gone. Perhaps he was just waiting for my domme facade to crack so he could take over. "What did you say?"

I was so thrown by his sudden change in his demeanor, I only made a stupid whiney noise. I was at a loss for words. There was my Shawn.

"Oh no, you need to say it again," he ordered, slightly tugging at the hair on the back of my head. "Tell me what you want."

My head tilted back from the pressure, and my breath hitched. "I want your big cock." My voice was small and shaky, filled with nothing but fervor. "Please… fuck me with your big cock."

"Wanna ride me, honey?" he egged on, an obvious smugness in his tone. He ground his hips upwards just slow enough to make me whine. "Is that how bad you want it?"

My head nodded, feeling the grip he had on my hair with each little movement. Shawn pulled even more and leaned in to sloppily kiss my neck when it was exposed enough. Then, he nosed his way up to my ear and spoke again in a deep voice.

"Better get fucking started, then."

I wasn't sure how or why I was so easily brought into submission, but I didn't care. I'd let Shawn order me around for hours between the sheets if it meant we would both feel so impossibly good. He sat back as I frantically pulled off his briefs. With shaking hands, I tore open the condom pack and rolled the thing down his length, making sure to keep my eyes away from him. He had gone from a sweet boy to the epitome of sexy intimidation, it was harder to keep eye contact. I was sure to pass out or combust or actually bust if I looked at his face any longer. My heart raced and my core burned as I prepared to take him like a fucking champ.

"Oh, that's it," Shawn moaned through his grit teeth as I sank down on him. A snarl came from deep in his chest as he reached around to grab my ass. "Oh, such a good pussy."

A shudder of arousal ripped through me at the sound of his words and the feeling of his cock splitting me open. I stilled for a moment, trying to relax myself and get used to the stretch. My fingers, on the other hand, practically clawed away at Shawn's chest. Red lines appeared where my nails hit, sending me even further than the clouds. I scratched even more as I slowly started to move my hips.

I won't lie, I wasn't on top very often. Shawn liked me in more submissive positions, like on my back so he could hover over me and shield me with his body, or bent over a surface so he could pull my hair and spank me as much as he wanted. Here I thought this position would get the tables to turn, but I was never more happy to be wrong.

He hissed, fingers digging into the plumpness of my ass cheek. "Oh god, baby… So good at taking my cock." He brought a quick slap to the cheek on the last word.

The movement of my hips caused the headboard to repeatedly smack against the wall, adding to the feeling where our bodies connected. I leaned back, planting my hands behind me for more leverage, and I rolled my hips with more vigor. Shawn took that opportunity to bring his fingers down to my clit. He didn't even have to do anything more, the rhythm I was going at was making me grind against the tips of his fingers.

I couldn't even form words to tell him how good he was making me feel. The only sounds that came out of me were breathy moans that coincided with Shawn's filthy words. Not to mention, the obscene sounds of our skin slapping together only added fuel to the fire. My thighs were starting to chafe and cramp, though, so I slowed down and placed my hands on Shawn's shoulders.

"Fuck, I'm getting tired," I said, panting heavily, resting my head on the crook of his sweaty neck.

He played with the long strands of hair cascading down my back, his nose touching my temple. "You're doing good, baby. Take a breather. You want some water?"

"Yes please…"

Shawn held my waist as he leaned to the side, reaching the bottle of water on the nightstand. I sat up again and took the bottle. He watched me as I took a hefty gulp, a sweet smile on his face. I was about to put the bottle back, but he grabbed ahold of it and drank the last bit of water before tossing it to the floor.

I got a good look at him now that I wasn't as occupied by his massive dick. Shawn's face and chest were blotched with red, and there were several scratch marks on his pecs. His cheekbones and collar bones were glowing with sweat, and his pink lips were swollen. He looked completely fucked, and we weren't even done yet. I didn't even wanna know how I looked. I could feel flakes of my mascara falling under my eyes, I knew that much.

With a smirk, Shawn took hold of my wrists and pulled me in closer. Our noses touched, and I felt his breath on my upper lip. Hands went up and down my body, but it was much softer than before. It was a little moment of just feeling each other without the desperation. Shawn pecked my lips, and then trailed more kisses down my neck. He didn't even hesitate to mark me up even more than he already had, leaving red and purple blotches on my collar bone. Finally, he dipped his head down to my tits, and he took a nipple into his mouth.

Like clockwork, my hips moved again from the sensation. I tangled my fingers in his hair and moaned softly, my entire body seizing up and clenching just from his mouth licking and suckling. Of course, that gave Shawn more stimulation where we connected and he groaned against my skin.

Then he smacked my ass again, indicating for me to keep it going. I pressed my hands down on his shoulders and started to properly bounce on his cock. He let go of my nipple and moaned against my cleavage, his tongue poking out to get a taste every so often. The dirty talk had ceased altogether, and it was replaced by his sweet moans that got higher in pitch the closer he got to the end. His fingers dug into my ass, leaving behind his own angry red lines on the skin. It felt so good to know he was feeling it just as much as I was.

Soon enough, he was fucking back into me, and I didn't even have to tell him. Shawn held my waist and growled deep in his throat as he thrust his hips upwards. The feeling got me tilting my head back and whimpering like nobody's business. My nails went down his chest again, making Shawn growl even more as he slipped his cock in and out of me with more vigor.

"Pretty baby," he grumbled, and then his hand was on the back of my head, harshly making me face him. "Open your eyes, baby. Fucking look at me."

The authority in his tone made me do it. My eyes opened and met his. Shawn's brows were knitted together, and his mouth was half open, intense fire in his eyes. His fingers fisted the hair on my scalp, keeping me in the position I was in.

Anytime my eyes fluttered shut, Shawn delivered another sharp slap to my ass. Our lips brushed together, but we were so caught up in the heat we couldn't properly kiss each other. It wasn't until Shawn's thrusts were staggering did I find my words again. This was when I loved to egg him on and get him to where he needed to be.

"Gonna come in me, baby?" I said breathlessly. "Gonna make this pussy yours, baby? Fucking come in me, daddy…"

Shawn squeezed his eyes shut, but only for a second before I grabbed his chin to catch his attention.

"Look at me," I said sensuously. "Look at me when you come."

"Mm, fuck!" he cried out, eyes narrowing as it finally hit him. "Aah, fuck, I love you, I love you, fuck!"

He pulled me in for a sloppy kiss, his tongue immediately finding mine, groaning into my mouth. I kept bouncing on him as I brought a hand down to my clit, now chasing my big release. Shawn kept moaning, getting a little more sensitive, and he grabbed my breast like it was a fucking lifeline. His incoherent noises alone sent me to the end, and I was clenching around him repeatedly, the heat expanding through my body. I cried out his name like a mantra, my thighs trembling with the release. As soon as it was too much for me, I pulled off of him and collapsed in the space next to him.

Shawn was quick to lie down next to me, letting me curl up into his side. His muscular arms went around me comfortingly, and he planted a small kiss on top of my head. Our legs tangled together, staying closer under the sheets. My breathing was still quick and heavy, and my body was craving affection and comfort. Shawn squeezed me once, and he gently told me that this wasn't over quite yet.

~

I wasn't sure how long I was lying on my back, staring at the ceiling in a euphoric daze until the sun creeping in through the window. The light hit my eyes, causing me to scrunch my brows and turn my head away. Shawn picked his head up in surprise, squinting at the golden light pouring into the room. Then, his gaze met mine, and we both laughed softly. We really went at it the whole night, only catching short power naps every couple of hours.

Shawn turned his whole body towards me, and I did the same. There was a bit of space between us, but our hands found one another and lazily intertwined at the fingers.

"You look like an angel," he mumbled. "The sunlight is like a halo around your body. It's beautiful."

"Well, you're glowing," I told him, "you've got that sweaty, orgasmic highlight going on."

He smiled, his fingers playing with mine. Neither of us were exactly sleepy, but we were completely fucked out. I was already feeling the ache in my legs and my back. I was so glad I didn't have anything else to worry about today.

"What's the weirdest thing I did when I was on morphine?" I asked, wanting to fill the air.

Shawn's eyes widened a little bit, and so did his smile. "You said a lot of things. None of it was weird, you were just a lot more affectionate. You hit on me in front of the nurses."

I chuckled. "I sort of remember that. What else did I do?"

He thought for a minute, and his smile faltered a little. "When you woke up from your first surgery, you kept saying that I cheated on you."

For a split second, I was confused but then I gasped. The dream and the unbearable feelings came to memory in seconds. Then, I explained to Shawn what I saw when I went under, and he was shocked.

"Why would you dream that?" he asked, pouting.

I shrugged. "I can't control the subconscious of my brain. It felt so real, though."

"You know I'd never cheat on you, right?"

"Of course, I'll kill you if you do."

He chuckled and stroked my cheek. His eyes lit up again. "When you were on drugs and delirious from your fever, you really wanted me to cup your face like this. If I pulled away, you kept my hand there."

Just as he said that, my hand went up to hold his wrist. I mean, I did love having my face caressed. There was nothing quite like the feeling of being held in such a sweet, intimate manner. It made me feel small, but not in the way I had gotten used to over the last few years. I felt small, but I also knew Shawn would put me in his pocket and protect me. Of course I wanted to feel that sense of security while I was hospitalized.

"It makes me feel safe," I told him, really milking this afterglow thing.

Shawn's smile grew. "That's the cutest fucking thing I've ever heard. I'll keep my hand here as long as you want, anytime."

The cheesy, goofy grin on my face was so unlike me. How in the hell did Shawn find a way to crack me open? How did he manage to tear my walls down? How did he make me so optimistic about what we had going on? I had never been so over the moon before. Is this how you're supposed to feel when your feelings are reciprocated?

"Remember our first date?" I asked. "When you asked me what it means to be a goth?"

"Yeah," Shawn replied. "Something about light and dark, but you couldn't find the beauty in it."

I nodded. "Yeah. There's no beauty in depression, or nightmares, or surgery. And there's far worse shit out there that make it even harder to find beauty in the dark. And that's not even the dark stuff that appeals to me."

"So what does appeal to you?"

"I could have died. It would have sucked for my parents, and for you, and probably Stella too. But for me, I could have gone on to the next thing, whatever it may be. And yeah, it scares me a little bit, because I don't know what's next. Not knowing is what scares me, not the act of death itself, and not the skulls or the upside down crosses or the cemeteries. Finding my own light in the dark things that people find strange or spooky is what's beautiful to me."

Shawn smiled at my rambling, his thumb brushing my cheek.

"And you're beautiful to me too," I added with a giggle. "You're a different kind of light."

He leaned over and kissed my forehead, and then our noses brushed together gently. "You're the beauty in the dark, honey. It's all you."

_____

AN: LMAO I LIED ITS MORE LIKE A SEASON FINALE I AINT DONE WITH THESE FUCKS JUST YET HAHAHAHA anyways let me know if u wanna be added to the taglist

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #tee hee #imma tag peeps in a minute #im headed out the door akldfsd

[jawnjendes]

you lost a part of your existence | shawn mendes

...in the war against yourself

chapter 9/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: i hope this is as angsty as yall wanted. i read this way too many times to make sure its good n stuff. i hope it rly is. pls pls let me know what u think. blease.

masterlist | playlist

August 9

She never wanted him to stay asleep so bad in her life.

Shawn had an unexpected early start to the day. He got a call from his boss at six in the morning and had to deliver some massive flower arrangements to a wedding venue, even though he had the day off due to the birthday shenanigans that happened the night before. Still, he went and came back around noon, when Annalise was up and running. Shawn went down for a nap in the room, even more exhausted than normal.

Annalise was already on the couch, trying to enjoy her day off. She really didn’t want to catch up on the sleep she missed from helping Shawn through his nightmares all night. She knew she would have to stay awake now, knowing that he was inevitably going to fall into the dark place again. Annalise decided to catch up with Bella Santiago and her strange white background on YouTube. Naturally, remaining still on the couch for an extended period of time caused her to doze off.

Two things woke her up some time later. The first was a deep, uncomfortable pit in her stomach that really wanted to get out. She felt it in her throat, and she wiggled her toes to keep it at bay. Her mind began to race like it was second nature; What did I eat? What didn’t I eat? Did I have too much food last night or not enough? Do I have to cut pasta out of my diet now? Did I forget to eat with my birth control? Am I gonna vomit blood? Am I gonna end up in the hospital and have even more surgery? Am I gonna survive this?

The other thing was a distressed sound coming from the bedroom. Annalise tightly gripped the hem of her t-shirt, willing herself to not be sick on the couch. Every one of her senses were amped up in this state, so hearing short, little screams every few seconds only agitated her more. Why did this have to happen now?

“I’ll be just fine,” she whispered as she slowly moved to get up from the couch. “I’ll be just fine…”

Another yell came from the room, and she was not fine at all. As soon as she was on her feet, Annalise felt her stomach flip, and then she was running into the bedroom, where the closest bathroom was. Didn’t even look at Shawn’s convulsing body. Just went straight to the bathroom and slammed the door. She made it to the toilet in time, holding her hand over her still fragile incisions.

The real kicker? She heaved and retched and sobbed, but nothing came out. The horrid sensation of vomiting kept coming, but nothing was being ejected from her body. Annalise shook her head between upchucks, tears staining her cheeks. Why was this still happening?

Shawn woke up due to the loud slam, but his mind and body were still in the nightmare zone. His forehead was beaded with cold sweat, and his jaw was chattering uncontrollably. He could hear his own breathing directly in his ears, like some creepy form of ASMR. Not knowing what else to do, Shawn repeatedly smacked his cheeks like he was still trying to wake himself up. That awful retching could still be heard, his dreams were never this vivid. I’m safe. I’m alive. She’s safe. She’s alive.

Suddenly, he sat up, eyes frantically scanning the room. Who the hell is vomiting so loud? It's really fucking sunny today.

He wiped the sweat off his brow and then rubbed at his arms, wanting to jump out of his skin. He wanted this to be over already. He wanted to breathe again.

“Ann?” he called softly, his voice shaking. “Help me…”

Just as he said those words, he wanted to swallow them. Panicked as he was, Shawn was finally able to figure out that the vomiting sounds were from Ann. He scrambled out of bed and went to the bathroom door, anxiously jiggling the knob. It was locked, and it only sent another shot of fear through his chest. Not to mention, the vomiting sounds had stopped, and it was quiet for an uncomfortable amount of time.

“A-Ann?” Don’t do this, she needs you. “Ann, please…” Chill out, man.

Breathing short, Shawn slid down to his knees, leaning against the door. Tears blurred his vision as he stared at the crack at the bottom of the door. He saw a flash of blood seeping out of there from his dreams, and he punched the wall next to the doorway. He tried to find his way back to earth. He breathed the way the therapist told him to, he whispered the calming mantras, he pinched the pressure point in his hand. No matter what he did, he couldn’t shake this god awful feeling.

“Please, please…” he cried, weakly banging on the door. “Can’t breathe… Help me…”

Little did he know, Annalise was sitting on the other side of the door, knees to her chest. Now that she wasn’t distracted by her own shitty digestive tract, her mind spiraled even more. She knew she had to pull herself together long enough to help Shawn, but it never felt so impossible. How could she comfort him when she was the one who caused all this emotional turmoil? How could she break him and put him back together at the same time?

“I’m a strong lady, I’m a strong lady, I’m a strong lady,” she whispered between soft little sobs.

Why is this still happening to me? I want it to be over.

Present day.

Annalise felt an uncomfortable chill go down her spine as she recalled that afternoon. To think the following day, she proposed the idea of the separation. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Then again, she didn’t know it was going to blow up in her face like this.

She kept scrolling through Instagram as she sat on the floor in the corridor, just outside Shawn’s apartment. She looked at all the pictures and stories from his gig, and noticed how much he was glowing. When he was on stage, he was completely in his element. You wouldn’t be able to tell all the crap his girlfriend dumped on him.

It was almost midnight, and Shawn had told her he would be back by eleven thirty. This is what she gets for trusting men, she sits outside their homes looking fucking stupid. Annalise sighed and picked herself up off the floor just as she heard the staircase door open at the end of the corridor. It’s always right before she decides to leave.

Shawn was surprised to see her as he walked down the hall. He set down his guitar case when he reached the door, giving her a look. “You’re here.”

“I’ve been here for half an hour,” she told him, turning her phone over in her hand repeatedly.

“Sorry.” He pulled out his keys and unlocked the door. “Come on.”

The tension heightened tenfold as they entered the spacious apartment. Even when Shawn set his case aside to pick up Henry the cat from the kitchen counter, it never faltered. They went into the living room, where Shawn placed Henry on the giant cat condo in the corner by the screen door. That was new.

“You know I’m always honest with you,” he spoke, though he kept his back to Annalise, who had taken a seat on the couch.

“Yeah…” she trailed off, her stomach in knots. She watched him scratch Henry’s chin, wondering what the fuck was about to happen.

Shawn finally turned to her and sat on the other end of the L shaped couch. “So, you should know Alessia hit on me-”

“I know,” Annalise said coldly as she folded her arms. “I found out from her.”

Unfazed by the attitude, he continued. “No, I mean, she did it again a couple of days ago. And to be very real with you - apart from the gig I just performed - it was the highlight of my week.”

It was like being sucker punched with a frying pan. She had her mouth open like she wanted to say something, but everything she wanted to say was getting mushed up in one big angry ball.

“Now, before you freak out,” Shawn went on, “I’m telling you this so you know what exactly this separation is doing, and how bad I want it to end. I know we’re not broken up, and I will stay faithful to you, but I feel like I’m single.”

“That’s how you tell me you wanna be with me? By telling me you liked someone else’s flirting?” Annalise asked in disbelief. “So you don’t want me, you want someone.”

“I want you, Ann. And I want nothing more than to go back to the way we were.”

“You said you’re always honest.”

“I am. I don’t want to break up, but I don’t know if you feel the same way. How long more are you gonna keep this up? Everyone and their mother are fucking tired of this separation thing! I’m tired of the two week check ins, and I’m tired of wondering what you’re going to do next!”

Annalise scoffed. “You can’t still want to be with me knowing there’s other girls who want you.”

“It’s only one, Ann.”

“But you liked her advances.”

“Because the girl I love is pushing me away!” he snapped, now irritated.

She glared at him. Was that supposed to be charming? Was that supposed to reel her back in? Annalise sat up in her seat and leaned towards him. “A guy hit on me too, and you know what I did? I broke his fucking nose.”

Shawn put his hands up, confused. “You want me to break Alessia’s nose?”

“No, but I will if she-”

“Okay, okay! You’re going too far now.”

There was a pause. Annalise took a breath to cool herself down, but she still felt like she needed to yell. There was something on the tip of her tongue that she needed to talk about. She tried to remember, but the rumbling in her stomach made itself known.

Shawn noticed the sound and tilted his head. It threw him off so much he lost the angry tone. “Are… are you hungry?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she replied. “It’s after midnight, I can’t eat anyway.”

“When was the last time you ate?” he asked her.

“That’s not what we’re talking about right now.”

“You know you can’t be skipping meals.”

“Stop!” Annalise snapped, her throat suddenly tight and burning. “Don’t worry about me. Don’t scare yourself like that.”

Shawn gave her a look. Then he scooted a cushion closer. “I’m not scared.” When the silence threatened to persist, he asked, “Are you?”

Now she remembered what she wanted to talk about. She changed the subject. “You told Alessia about my health problems.”

The silence came back. Shawn looked down, trying to find the words to say. “If you heard the conversation we were having, you would understand why-”

“No,” she said firmly. “I could understand if it was just the hospital stay, but you told her everything. You told her about my anxiety with food, and you told her my calming mantra, and she threw it back in my face that night at the bar.”

“Okay, I didn’t know she would do that. If I had known, I wouldn’t have said anything at all.”

“You weren’t supposed to say anything to begin with! That wasn’t your thing to tell! I thought I could trust you, but you tell her my business and you let her stick around even though she clearly has feelings for you. How am I supposed to trust you?”

Shawn sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. He knew she had a point, but he was still frustrated. “I’m sorry I told Alessia, but she’s not a bad person. She had a lot to drink that night, I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”

Needless to say, it didn't do any good. Annalise felt herself go red in the face. “Why are you still defending her? Do you have feelings for her?”

“No!”

“So why have you been so quiet this week? You haven’t texted me at all.”

He chuckled, clearly annoyed. “Now you care about that?”

“Answer the question,” she deadpanned.

Shawn scooted a little closer and sighed. “You never answered my texts to begin with, so I stopped sending them. No use talking to a wall.”

That stung a little.

“So you do like her?” she asked.

“I told you no! How do you - Why -” Shawn cut himself off, rubbing his temples. He was really reaching his limit here.

And so was Annalise. “She hits on you, and brags about it to me. Even when I’m nice enough to give her my bed, she leaves so I don’t see her in the morning. That sounds like someone who’s hiding something!”

“Ann, she was embarrassed because she had too much to drink! Why do you always think everyone’s out to get you?” Shawn asked. Nearly there.

“She’s not out to get me, she clearly wants you! I’ve given her plenty of chances! I defended her in gaming club! I dragged her drunk ass back to campus! And then she goes and continues to flirt with you like she’s won you over! Did you even tell her to back off?”

“Of course I did!”

“You’re a liar!”

“And you’re fucking crazy!”

It was a split second of relief, allowing his pent up anger to truly seep out. But Shawn knew he said the wrong thing as soon as that second was over. He had never seen tears well up in her eyes so fast before. He wanted to take it back as soon as it came out, but Annalise was already standing up.

She decided, yeah, she is crazy. She didn’t choose it. She wasn’t always this way, but it’s how she is now. Her eyes looked down at the floor as the last words rang in her head. Heavy tears streamed down her face, but she didn’t even try to hide it.

Shawn stood up as well, much slower, watching her carefully. “Honey-”

“Don’t!” Annalise raised her voice. Her head shot up, a crazed look in her eyes. “You do not get to call me that! He doesn’t get to call me that, and she doesn’t-” She paused, her voice breaking.

“I’m sorry-” Shawn tried to say.

“That’s all I am to you, right? I’m just some crazy chick you’re seeing, huh?" Her eyes were furious, but so, so sad at the same time.

“No, of course not. It just slipped out, I-”

“If you let it slip, then you were thinking about it! You think I’m crazy too!”

“Ann, please…” Shawn reached his hand out, but she took a step back.

“I’ll break your nose too if I have to.”

"I didn't mean it!" he tried again. "I didn't… Ann, I'm so sorry!"

She shook her head as she went for the door. However, when she opened it, she was face to face with Stella and Camila. The two girls had matching smiles that quickly faded upon seeing a teary-eyed Annalise. She pushed past them and fled the vicinity before anyone could even blink.

The two girls looked back, watching Annalise go, and then they turn to Shawn, who looked quite defeated.

Shawn forgot why Stella and Camila were here, and he really didn't care anymore. He made quick strides to follow Ann, but the girls blocked the doorway.

"What did you do?" Stella harshly asked. "Why was Ann crying?"

"Stay calm," Camila said, rubbing her shoulder. "Seriously though, what happened?"

Shawn was still staring out the door, hoping Ann would come back. Forget how pissed off he was this last week, he needed to make this right. He never intended to make her cry and run away. "I don't have time to explain-"

"If you made her cry," Stella said, "she's not gonna fucking talk to you. So you better tell us what you fucking did."

"We're here to help," Camila reassured.

Shawn ran his fingers through his hair, pacing back towards the living room, and the girls followed. Henry jumped down from the condo and walked between his legs, leaving little tufts of orange fur on his jeans.

"Oh my god, he does have a cat," Stella mumbled. Then she spoke directly to Shawn. "You got about five minutes before my allergies start acting up."

"And another five before Brian and Connor get here with the masses," Camila added. "So you better get talking."

They all took a seat on the couch. Too many things have happened in this room. Shawn took a deep breath.

"It's like she wants me to be cheating on her," he said. "She'll pull something out of thin air and use it to prove something that's not even happening!"

Camila tilted her head. "That's… that's just crazy."

"She was irrational?" Stella asked. Her harsh and defensive demeanor seemed to change.

"That's the word I should have used," Shawn glumly replied. "I told her she was crazy, and that's when she left."

"Well, I'm sure she said things she didn't mean, too. Just let her simmer down," Camila told him.

Stella was frowning, still in thought. Surely the wife/roommate had to have some insight on this fuckery.

"Anything you wanna add?" Shawn asked her. "Because I really don't know what to do now. I've never seen her so angry before, I didn't think she could be set off like that."

"Okay so," she began, sitting on the edge of her seat, "I know I don't talk about her business, because she doesn't want me to-"

"So it's not just me!" Shawn interrupted. "Why does she do that, it's so frustrating! I want people to know who my girlfriend is but she makes it so hard!"

Stella raised an eyebrow. "She makes it hard because people are really goddamn nosy. The way she dresses alone causes strangers to ask really invasive questions, not to mention she is - or was - is... linked to the most popular guy on campus and that's given her attention she never wanted. Imagine if they knew she was on Prozac, which brings me to the theory I was going to make before I was interrupted."

"Sorry," Shawn mumbled.

"Like I was saying, it's her business, but her mental health is important. I could be wrong, but she might be off her meds."

The other two only stared. Could this really be the only explanation?

"How do you know?" Camila asked.

"I don't. But I always hear her pill bottle rattling in the morning," Stella explained. "And now that I think about it, I don't remember the last time I heard it."

"Is there a way you can find out?" Shawn asked. "Can you ask her?"

Stella chuckled in disbelief. "You really think she would answer honestly?"

"What about searching her room?" Camila suggested. "Like, when she's not there."

"Ooh, please?" Shawn put his hands together, looking at Stella. "I need to know if that's why she's so pissed at me!"

She gave him a look. "Dude, she's genuinely angry at you. I mean, you called her crazy. Why the hell would you do that? Besides, it's not that I'm worried about."

Shawn was about to ask to elaborate, but there was a knock on the door followed by several voices out in the corridor.

"I'll make it fast," Stella said. "You two should be close because of the hospital thing, but instead she's pushing you away. She's not excited for Halloween, I'm gonna have to force her into a costume. She skipped game club, and I haven't seen her do any school work lately. And I'm willing to be she's not doing so well at work either.  The last time she was like this, she was going through that break up with that asshole Luca, and I know you're nothing like that guy."

______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @poppyshawn @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @yourdeflightfullyleft @shawmndes @calyumthomas @havethetimeeofyourlifee @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea @softmendesss @someoneunimportantxx

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #this was a lot of feeliios #for me kinda sorta #i got a drunk call while editing this n i still got it all up #so b l e a s e validate me

[jawnjendes]

dive into the dark | shawn mendes

chapter 11/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: sry for the delay summertime depression has come with a vengeance lulz have some angsty comfort

***let me know if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist

masterlist | playlist

“There once was a boy named Shawnie, destined to be a star.”

Why was that the last straw? Why was a photo of Stella, Shawn, and Camila dressed as Hogwarts students at a Halloween party the thing to send Annalise spiraling? What about that measly little Instagram post possessed Annalise to text her former shrink at four in the morning?

It’s not like she wanted to go to any of the stupid parties on campus. In the past, she and Patrick would hang out in a cemetery and be with the dead. Yes, she gave in to those goth stereotypes sometimes too. Annalise justified it by claiming she was celebrating Dia de los Muertos. This year, however, she just stayed in the dorm by herself, her own Hogwarts outfit sitting in her closet, making no noise and pretending it doesn’t exist. She was alone long enough for everything to come down on her, and the photo of her friends and not-boyfriend all but broke her to pieces.

So on November first, Annalise found herself in Callie’s office. It wasn’t hard getting herself to go there; Therapy had been a constant in her life for a year, and she missed it. She knew she had things to get off her chest, but it stalled when she was actually sat in front of Callie, who was quite happy to see her.

“It’s been a few months, hasn’t it?” she said, smiling warmly. “Where were we the last time you were here?”

Annalise shrugged. “I had exams going on, and I was picking out classes and a dorm for the next semester.”

“Right. And you’re in between classes now if I remember from your text. So all that went well, I assume?”

“Yeah. Still in school. Still working.”

Callie nodded. She hadn’t written anything on her clipboard yet. “I don’t mean to pry, but I also heard you were in the hospital for a bit?”

“Did Shawn tell you that?” Annalise’s polite tone changed. “He’s always telling everyone my business.”

Surprisingly, Callie wasn’t bothered by the sudden mood change. “I believe you told me over text. We had to pause our sessions because you were in recovery.”

“Oh. Oh yeah. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all snappy.” She went red.

“It’s alright. So, would you like to talk about what happened in the hospital?”

That was all the first session was: hospital talk. Annalise knew this story like the back of her hand, but it was less annoying telling it again because Callie already knew the stuff about the pre-existing health problems. It’s on reason why Annalise started therapy in the first place.

“Now, whenever my mom or dad call me, a majority of the conversation is about what I’m eating,” she explained. “Or what I should be eating. And Shawn constantly reminds me not to skip meals. I know I’m sick, but it gets so annoying sometimes. I know my body, and I know what I’m feeling.”

“Okay, hang on,” Callie said, holding up a hand to stop her. “You refer to yourself as sick?”

Annalise had to think about it. It came out of her mouth, but she never really processed that she was saying it. “Yeah. That’s how my parents always put it since it all started, I guess I picked it up from them.”

“Well, I - and I’m sure plenty of other people - don’t see you as sick. You were in the hospital, you had surgery, and now you’re fine. Ann, if you keep referring to yourself as a sick person, it will have an impact on your mental wellbeing. You are not sick, you have a chronic sickness.”

For some reason, that hit in the very center of Annalise’s chest. If she was cracked from the Instagram photos, then this practically burst the dam. She nodded, processing Callie’s words, but one part stuck out to her.

“I am fine now. It wasn’t a life threatening case, anyway.”

“Well, you did bleed internally after the first surgery,” Callie corrected. “And you had an infection on the incisions after. That’s not nothing. That’s very dangerous, and life threatening.”

“But it wasn’t that bad. They caught it in time, and I don’t even remember what it felt like. Besides, it’s not like I have cancer or anything.” Annalise paused and looked down. “Everything went fine, despite the infections and near death. I’m back to doing what I did before, but I feel… I didn’t die, but it feels like a part of me did.”

Callie now wrote on her clipboard, her pen scribbling being the only sound in the room. Then, she trailed her green eyes over to Annalise. “And it’s okay to feel that way. Putting your life in the hands of anyone, including medical professionals, makes you very vulnerable as it is. Adding surgery to that only adds to the vulnerability, not to mention it is invasive and can be quite traumatizing.”

“Helpless and dependent too,” Annalise added, picking at her nails. “Practically useless.”

“Let’s not say useless, okay? You needed help. You were recovering for surgery, it was for your own wellbeing.”

She shrugged, not exactly agreeing with that statement despite the truth in it. “I just don’t like depending on people.The nurses always pushed me to move on my own without disturbing the incisions, but I could never bring myself to do it. I knew I had to so I could properly heal, but I felt so lazy and weak. I felt like a sack of potatoes, having to be physically moved everywhere.”

There were times Callie would react to things her clients said. This was one of those times. She chuckled and raised her eyebrows. “A sack of potatoes?”

Annalise smiled timidly. “Yeah…”

That settled the homework Annalise was left with. She had to cut the harmful words out of her vocabulary. She was not useless. She was not lazy. She was most certainly not a sack of potatoes.

She felt okay during the session, but as soon as she was back in her car, Annalise felt the weight slam on her chest. As she drove back to campus, she started to remember things that she didn’t even know were in her head. She noticed the difference in a nurse who worked in the day versus the night. One was much perkier than the other. She never saw the same nurse twice during the entire stay. She couldn’t even count the amount of people who lifted up her gown to examine the incisions, much less the people who actually asked if they could expose her like that.

Heart pounding, Annalise moved a shaking hand towards the radio, turning up the volume and letting the sounds of 5SOS soothe her anxious state.

~

Today wasn’t supposed to be spent alone in the apartment, serenading a cat. Shawn loved Henry to bits and pieces, but this wasn’t the lady he was supposed to be spending time with. He appreciated that she didn’t run when he sang. Or shit all over his romantic gesture. She did shit right next to her litter box, though, and that was annoying to deal with.

“I can’t see one thing wrong between the both of us…” he trailed off, strumming his guitar. Then he sighed; That line didn’t age well.

Henry tilted her round head at the sound of the guitar. It was entertaining to watch, but not enough to make Shawn laugh or even smile. She jumped down from the top of the couch cushion and down to the carpet, stretching her limbs before scurrying over to the condo. Shawn watched her and then let his head fall back to the arm of the couch. He strummed an entirely different song.

“Beggin’ to hear your voice… tell me you love me too…”

He nearly fell off the couch when his phone went off, going from zero to one hundred in less than a second. He was still on the waiting game with both work and the live lounge, and the possibility of either of these places calling him back was enough to make him chuck his guitar across the room. He didn’t, though, he just hastily set it down as he answered the phone call without even looking at the ID.

He really should have. Let’s just say, Shawn was George O’Malley, and the voice on the other line was a fucking bus.

“Shawn?”

“Ann?”

A small pause. Then, she spoke very fast, before Shawn could even process what the fuck was happening. “I know we’re supposed to be fighting or not talking to each other, I know I’m supposed to be mad at you - and I still am - but, uh… I… I’m - can we call a truce? Just for an hour or two?”

He almost said yes in a heartbeat, but he caught himself. “What do you mean by truce? What’ll happen during those hours?”

Ann’s hesitation meant that she knew he was talking about the previous check ins. “It’s not like that. I promise. It’s just… something’s kind of happening, and I don’t think I can deal with it by myself.”

“You need to be more specific. What’s going on?”

“I’m in pain. Physical pain.”

Now it was Shawn’s turn to stay quiet. “Oh…”

Needless to say, Ann came over. For once, she was in sweatpants instead of her pajama bottoms. She also had on a black hoodie with the words “Positive Mental Attitude” on the sleeves. Her long, dark hair was down but very unkempt, and her olive skin was looking paler than normal.

The first thing Shawn did was feel her forehead for a fever. Ann made a small noise at the gesture, her brows furrowing.

“Sorry,” he said, taking his hands away. “I was just checking.”

She sighed as she let herself into the living room. “You remind me of my mother more and more every day. Not even a hello, just straight with the touching and worrying.”

Shawn resisted rolling his eyes. Didn’t she understand he did that because he cares? “How come you didn’t just go straight to the doctor?”

“It’s not excruciating,” she replied. “It’s bothersome, and it’s definitely there. But it’s not keeping me from doing anything.”

“Is it the same pain as before? In your abdomen?”

Ann shook her head, growing a little timid. “It’s around my ovaries. Pelvic pain.”

“You period?”

“Already passed. I’ve been feeling this for two days.”

Shawn tried very hard not to flip out. He resisted the urge to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. She’s been in pain for a whole forty eight hours and she hasn’t done anything about it? This is exactly how it happened last time.

“So again,” he said, attempting to sound calm, “why don’t you just go to the doctor? Why are you here of all places?”

Ann had been looking at her hands the entire time. But when she locked her tired eyes with Shawn’s, he knew just how serious and important her next statement was.

“I can’t face the doctor alone.”

“You want me to go with you.” It wasn’t a question. Shawn was just able to pull the words out of her.

“Please?” she asked. “I know things are off right now but you’re the only one I can count on. You’re the only one who’s seen this side of me.”

Shawn would be lying if he said that didn’t tug on his heartstrings. Ann needs him, and she is admitting to that. But one thing stuck out in his mind; She had been asking a lot of him. She asked him for the separation, to be patient with her, and now this.

But it seems like Ann knows how to pull things out of him too. “You said you would make it up to me. This would help.”

Then again, when did she ever ask Shawn for help?

Ann insisted on driving, but Shawn dragged her into his Jeep. She navigated the way to her gyno, bouncing her legs on the way. That was when Shawn noticed that the serious faced, composed-by-nature girl was long gone. When did she lose that part of herself? That fundamental part of who she is seemed to fade away over the last few months, and Shawn was only now catching onto that? No wonder she was so angry at him all the time. It was a cry for help.

“What do you think it is?” he asked her. “The pain?”

“I don’t know. That’s what’s got me kinda worried,” she replied. “I’ve never felt this before. Google said they might be cysts that have to be surgically removed, so I stopped looking.”

Kinda worried? She was scared, scared to the point where she needed someone with her. Meaning, Shawn had to remain calm and collected, despite being worried himself.

“It’s probably nothing major,” he said, still managing to follow the voice from the Maps app on Ann’s phone. “They’ll prescribe you something, and you’ll be fine.”

“That’s what you said last time.”

Shawn took a quick glance at her. She wasn’t exactly wrong. Nothing more was said until Shawn had pulled into the parking lot of the clinic. He shut off the engine and took off his seatbelt, properly turning to face Ann.

“Hey, look at me.”

Slowly, her head turned towards him, like she was hesitating. Shawn wanted to hold her hand or cup her cheek, but it was hard to tell what was allowed her.

“No matter what happens,” he told her, “you will be okay. You will come out of this.”

He stood by her as she spoke to the receptionist. He sat with her in the waiting room as she filled out three different forms on a clipboard. Shawn wondered how she wasn’t confused by any of the questions; He always needed his mom or dad with him at any appointment to help him.

The wait wasn’t long once Ann turned in the paperwork. A nurse called her back, and Ann gestured for Shawn to follow.

“How are you, Ms. Flores?” the nurse asked as she led them down a blank, white corridor.

“Swell,” she replied in a way that did not sound swell.

“Right in here.” She turned the corner and gestured to a small room. “We’re just going to take a little bit of blood. The physician will be right with you.”

Ann silently went and sat in the big chair next to the counter with all the blood taking tools. She sat back like it was second nature. Shawn merely stood against the back wall, unsure of what to do with himself. This room was clearly made for two people, and he wasn’t supposed to be one of them.

Finally, a woman in a white lab coat entered the room, putting on a pair of latex gloves. She smiled warmly. “Let’s get this show on the road! Now which one of you is Annalise Marie Flores?”

“I don’t have a middle name,” Ann told her, very much not on the same level as the perky medic.

She pointed at her. “That was a test to verify your name, and you passed! Now I just need you to verify your date of birth!”

“Twelve. Twenty seven. Ninety seven.” Still not amused, but Shawn was. The two different energies was almost comical.

The physician approached the counter as she got her tubes and needle ready as she continued speaking. “A fellow Capricorn. That’s the best sign. Except I was born on Christmas Eve so my birthday was always overlooked.”

Ann only nodded, visibly disinterested.

“So, which arm are you gonna let me poke?” the physician asked.

“Whichever has the best vein,” she simply replied.

It was like a script Ann had memorized. How many times had she done this in the past?

Shawn looked at the floor as soon as Ann was stuck with the needle. It was a good minute of listening to the physician hum to herself before she finally acknowledged Shawn.

“Here for moral support?”

“Pretty much,” he replied, keeping his eyes on his boots. “She asked me to come, I couldn’t say no.”

“Friendship goals, right there.”

He smiled, despite the pang of annoyance that struck his chest. Was the rift between them that obvious?

“Alright, let’s get a look at your battle wound.” She wrapped up Ann’s arm in cotton and gauze. “So, your results will be ready in a few minutes, and I’ll be back to go over them and see where to go from there!”

“Okay,” was all Ann had to say.

“Thank you,” Shawn told the lady before she left.

Ann let her head fall back against the chair as soon as they were alone. She sighed heavily and closed her eyes. “I liked that lady, she was cool.”

Shawn chuckled. “Yeah, you guys acted like such best friends.”

“Well, at least she knows Capricorns are superior.”

“You act like you’ve never met a Leo.”

For the first time today, Ann cracked a smile. She opened her eyes and looked at him. “I know your act of having your shit together is exactly that.”

Maybe astrology wasn’t all bullshit. Shawn wanted to say something to prove her wrong, but then he would be proving her point at the same time.

“Yeah, well…” he trailed off, making Ann grin even wider.

It was good to see that, so he let it slide.

Another few minutes went by and a different woman in a lab coat entered the room. It was a lady in her 30s, blonde hair, kind but professional face. Her presence made Ann visibly perk up.

“Hello, Ms. Flores,” the doctor said with a smile. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”

"Dr. Pacini," Ann greeted. "I didn't think you would be here, I kind of came at the last minute."

"Well, I heard you were here, and I had a look at your blood test results." She stopped herself and placed her hands on her hips, acknowledging Shawn. "Is this the boyfriend you told me about?"

Ann nodded silently.

"Hi," Shawn greeted, holding his hand out. He couldn't ignore the tiny jump his heart did hearing that Ann talked about him.

"Nice to meet you," Dr. Pacini said, shaking his hand. Then she turned back to Ann. "So it's okay that he's in here while we discuss your results?"

"Yeah, absolutely."

The blood test showed that Ann's hormones were completely unbalanced, and apparently that wasn’t anything new. She was very high in testosterone, and that was when Shawn learned that women could actually produce that hormone. What was news to Ann was that she was also anemic and low in potassium. Then they discussed her irregular menstrual cycle (another thing Shawn didn’t know about), and more personal information was taken in. Ann really wanted Shawn here to witness this? She could barely talk about her day without thinking she was oversharing.

"Were there any changes with your birth control?" Dr. Pacini asked.

"I missed some doses when I was in the hospital," Ann replied, suddenly timid. “And a few doses after I was discharged.”

“How many exactly?”

She looked down and mumbled. “Three months…”

"And that is plenty of time for new cysts to form on your ovaries. So if it's alright with you, I'd like to do a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound."

Shawn knew Ann so well that the split second pause meant that this is what she had been afraid of. He finally stepped towards the chair she was sitting in, silently letting her know he was there.

"It's entirely up to you," Dr. Pacini said, "but I strongly suggest it. It would give us the chance to rule out anything serious."

Ann nodded. "Um… do I have to make another appointment and come back another time?"

"No, we can get it all done today."

"Oh-kay, then."

Dr. Pacini led them out of the room and down the hallway. Ann looked at Shawn as they went, anything but masking composure. He placed his hand on the small of her back as they walked into a different observation room.

“So on a scale of one to ten, how intense is the pain?” Dr. Pacini asked.

“About a six,” Ann replied. “I can function, but I can’t ignore it.”

“Got it. So just strip from the waist down, lie down on the chair, and we’ll get started.”

Ann wanted Shawn to sit closer as she was examined, so he did. The only reason why this was weird was because Ann did not like being this vulnerable in front of anyone, even Shawn. That, and she was still apparently fuming from their last fight, yet something about all of this made her reach out to him in need. He played with her hair as he tried yet again to understand the way her mind works.

Dr. Pacini noticed the tiny gesture. “How long have you two been together?”

Not surprisingly, Ann didn’t say anything. She wouldn’t be the one to say they were together at a time like this, pelvic exam aside.

“One year today,” Shawn answered anyway.

“Well, congratulations.” Dr. Pacini smiled.

Ann looked at him, now distracted from what was going on downstairs. “One year?”

“Yeah. November seventh. Took you on a date to the coffee shop.”

“Didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary like this.”

He knew she meant that in more ways than one. Shawn didn’t think he would be here either, hanging onto the tiny thread Ann had provided. And to think he really thought about the idea of considering ending things permanently… He was a sucker for her.

“Okay, my dear,” Dr. Pacini said, sitting up straight. “Onto the ultrasound.”

“Anything weird down there?” Ann asked with a nervous chuckle.

“I did detect some bumps on your ovaries, so I need to get a better look at what exactly those are.” She held up a long, thin… thing. “Just like the pelvic exam, it’ll be uncomfortable but not painful.”

Shawn chose not to look directly at it for more than a second. He kept his eyes on Ann’s anxious face as the ultrasound began. He had so many questions: Was this her first vaginal ultrasound? How many times has she come to see Dr. Pacini in the past? How long was she on birth control? What reproductive disorder did she have that required her to take birth control? Why did they ever use condoms if she was already on birth control?

It took a bit longer to get the results for the ultrasound, making Ann stay hauntingly quiet as she got dressed again. Shawn really didn’t know what to say that wasn’t any of the questions circling his head. When Dr. Pacini came back with the results, she deemed that there were in fact, new cysts forming. However, it wasn’t severe or particularly harmful, so Ann was prescribed a new birth control along with progesterone.

“That’s it?” Ann asked in disbelief. “That’s all I need?”

“That’s it,” Dr. Pacini confirmed. “If the pain persists, or gets worse, then by all means come right back. But it’s quite unlikely given where your pain level is at now. Just give it a few days and remember to breathe.”

Ann took a deep breath. It wavered as she exhaled, making Shawn rub her back.

“See? You’re gonna be fine,” he told her reassuringly.

“As long as you take your pills,” Dr. Pacini said firmly. “These are what will keep your pain from coming back. The birth control will manage the PCOS and the progesterone will help shrink the cysts. You’re usually on top of this, Annalise, can I ask what happened in the last few months?”

She shrugged, clearing her throat. Shawn knew what that meant, and he debated answering for her.

“Being in the hospital didn’t do anything for my mental health, I think,” Ann spoke softly.

Dr. Pacini looked between her and Shawn. He nodded in confirmation, trying not to externally show how much his heart was aching. Of course, the doctor asked to elaborate, so Shawn explained the surgery, the almost-death, and the second surgery. It helped her understand, and it made Ann cry in the observation room.

“I see,” Dr. Pacini said as she nodded. “Post surgical depression is very common. Clinical depression on its own can cause you to not care for yourself the way I know you can. I can’t prescribe you anything because it’s not my area of expertise, but Annalise. Look at me.”

She wiped her face with her sleeve and sniffed, her puffy, reddened eyes meeting the doctor’s.

“You will come out of this.”

The silence was loud as Shawn and Ann left the clinic. Ann read the papers Dr. Pacini had given her over and over, brows scrunched in concentration. She only stopped to get back in the car and put on her seatbelt, clearly eager to get the hell out of here.

“You made it out okay,” Shawn gently told her.

“I still have to wait and see if the pain will go away,” she grumbled as she shoved the pages into her purse. “Just like last time.”

Shawn looked at her and placed his hand on her shoulder. “Last time was different. I know you’re worried, but it doesn’t mean everything is going to repeat itself. Did you book an appointment with Callie?”

Ann was rubbing her hands together. “Yeah. I saw her last week and I’m going again tomorrow. That reminds me, I need to ask you something.”

“Anything.” Heart: racing.

Shifting in her seat, Ann sighed deeply. “Okay. I don’t expect you to remember, and it’s okay if you don’t, but do you know what antibiotics they gave me for the infection on my incisions?”

That wasn’t at all what Shawn was expecting. Then again, he had no idea what was happening with this girl lately. When did he ever?

He thought for a moment before answering. “I don’t know the name of it. I remember that it was so strong it made you nauseous. The nurses told you not to puke because then you’d be puking up the medicine. Then, they took you off your Prozac and birth control so you weren’t taking in so much at once. The priority was to control the infection.”

The memory was still heartbreaking. Ann, with her sunken eyes screwed shut, frequently wiggling her fingers and toes in an attempt to keep everything down. She didn’t want to be touched or even talked to. When that side effect wore off, it was time for another dose. It was probably torture for her. Shawn remembered telling her he was going to the cafeteria when in reality he just went to cry to his mom or dad over the phone in the bathroom.

Ann tilted her head in thought. “You remember all that?”

“You don’t?” Shawn asked. “You were like that for a good few days.”

The hand rubbing continued. “I guess it’s blocked out of my head because it was so traumatic. Anyway, I just wanted to know…” She inhaled shortly. “Because uh, Callie wanted to pinpoint um, when I stopped taking the Prozac…” She inhaled again, like she was out of breath.

Shawn noticed the sporadic movements and grew concerned. “You okay?”

Ann rapidly nodded her head, despite her short breathing. “Yeah, just… hospital talk. I, I don’t really like it but I have to talk about it. She, uh, she warned me. I’d get really - fuck - uh, the dam burst, basically.”

“It’s apart of the process.” Shawn nodded, remembering his own flood of tears when he did the work of therapy. “Hey, look at me.”

She shook her head, shoulders tense. Her voice came out low and shaky. “I can’t feel my hands.”

“Can I see?”

Her hand was trembling wildly as she shyly held it out to Shawn. He ran his thumb over her fingers, noticing her stubby chewed up nails and the tiniest speck of black polish on the index. Then, he squeezed the pressure point between her thumb and index.

Ann gasped and looked up at him.

“Felt that?” Shawn asked, and she nodded. “See, you’re okay. You’re a strong lady.”

“I’m a strong lady…”

He affectionately rubbed her hand in both of his, offering a smile. He figured it was best to distract from the scary feelings. “Remember what was happening a year ago? I took you out to that coffee shop.”

“I was nervous,” she mumbled.

“Me too. When I picked you up at your dorm, the first thing I noticed was your red eyeshadow and I thought… red is my new favorite color. I also noticed you didn’t wear the black lipstick, and I really hoped it meant that you were going to kiss me.”

Ann was already blushing from the anxiety attack, but she breathed out a tiny laugh. “I really wasn’t. The nude lip was because we were going to eat…”

“Well, I like to think that you wanted to kiss me. And you did in the end, even after you said you don’t kiss on the first date.” Shawn was tickling the palm of her hand now, running his fingers over every line.

“It was a ‘fuck it’ moment…” Ann was watching his fingers move, like it was helping her focus.

“It’s probably one of my favorite moments with you. Because then I got to know the most amazing, strongest, badass lady I’ve ever seen, and I got to call her mine.”

_______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @poppyshawn @shawnsunflower @someoneunimportantxx @ruinhoney @shawnvvmendes @calyumthomas @yourdeflightfullyleft @havethetimeeofyourlifee @shawmndes @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea @softmendesss @mutuallynotmutual

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #ngl i cried way too much at this shit #mainly bc im dealing with my own physical health #n tryin not to let my mental health deteriorate bc of it #this SUCKS man #im so tired n sad i want it to be over #just diagnose me or imma hackout my stomach #anyways thx for reading :))))