#if you're unhappy with the realities of that responsibility that is all on you

[pumpkinbxtch]

Hello, a request please, from Apollo x Daughter of Poseidon, (I really liked your stories that you wrote about them, and I wanted to see Apollo ask Eros if love is real, I think Apollo has to learn to discover that he has to forgive himself for Jasinto and Dapne, learning what first love is, real love and feeling guilty) 🤔

a vision of you ｡⁠*ﾟ

— apollo x fem!reader

warnings: none a/n: hey, thanks for stopping by this humble blog, I hope you like this. kisses from Saturn. 🩵

Apollo headed towards the entrance and before knocking, he sighed. He was grateful for being a god, or else he knew the pain in his chest would spread throughout his body.

He looked perfect, it was impossible not to, but the sleepless nights were evident in the way he furrowed his brow and clenched his jaw. After a few seconds, he tapped three times on the marble door and it opened. How long had it been since he last entered there? Truth was, he couldn't remember, maybe he had never been there for real.

His steps echoed, and the dim light made him hesitate; he must have been desperate to subject himself to this.

“Apollo”

an omnipresent voice whispered, and an unfamiliar breeze lifted the curls falling on his forehead. The god swallowed hard and stood firm.

— Eros — he said with little enthusiasm. He was the one who had dragged himself there, but he wasn't eager to face what scared him the most.

“Love”

Apollo heard and took a step back realizing that Eros might know the reason for his visit. His legs began to tremble, and he felt a chill run down his spine.

“Does it even exist?” The words resonated strongly, the mockery in Apollo's tone shaking the place, almost shattering his hopes of receiving a positive response. He knew what he was doing, but he didn't care anymore. Would poking fun at the god of love lead to anything more tragic than what he had already endured?

“You'll see…”

A snap echoed, and the sun god fell to his knees in a trance.

And there you were, though Apollo didn't know it yet or know you yet, he could feel the longing to do so at that moment.

Truth be told, he couldn't see you clearly, just your silhouette bathed in the golden sunlight as you apparently swam. Within the vision, he heard echoes of your laughter mingled with others. Among all those meaningless shadows, you were the only one he wanted to see.

With that desire in mind, he reached out towards you, hoping to touch you, to reach you, but it seemed futile. In one last attempt, just as you were about to turn around, Apollo was dragged back to reality. The reality where he had no one, except a god who seemed to toy with his ache of loneliness.

“Not until you open your heart.”

Apollo felt his ichor burning and dug his nails into his palms.

— It's open! It's always open! Can't you see life has been unfair to me? — The god cried on the verge of tears.

A deafening silence filled the room above it, tension lingered, misunderstanding, probably Eros's anger.

“Are you sure, Apollo?” The voice replied, still calm. “You haven't forgiven yourself; that's the truth of your loneliness.”

— I've never chosen to be alone — he squeezed his eyes shut, tears streaming down his cheeks. He tried to stand, but a force knocked him back to the ground again, feeling his heart torn apart, every fiber bleeding, burning. He had never chosen such a fate, but he knew guilt consumed him.

“You're not better with company if you don't forgive yourself, Apollo.”

— Enough — he murmured weakly, tears falling onto the marbled floor, his reflection staring back at him. He sobbed, —Enough.

“The one who decides to end it is you. Do you want to meet her and be happy? Fix your issues, Apollo. Otherwise, you'll make her unhappy, just like all your ex-lovers.”

The pressure in his chest intensified, and he released the first cry.

“Heal yourself, god of healing, and then you'll be able to see me in the eyes again.”

The wind violently dragged him towards the exit as he clung, wanting to stay, wanting to ask, to know.

Apollo abruptly opened his eyes with a racing heart, he turned to the side and found you, asleep.

Your body lay with slow breaths and slightly parted lips, some strands of hair fell on your face, and Apollo gently pushed them aside, leaning in to kiss your cheek.

He wished the dream had only been an illusion, but it was just repetitions of what had once happened. Thankfully, he found his way and opened a path towards you. Apollo found a way to forgive himself and heal; any scars that remained, you soothed them with your sweet presence.

#maría's shared dreams☆｡ﾟ✧ #apollo x reader #apollo x y/n #apollo x you #pjo hoo toa #lester papadopoulos x you #lester papadopoulos x reader #lester papadopoulos #pjo #lester papadopoulos x y/n #trials of apollo

[venusjeon]

rock god

you've got one year left to either finish your novitiate and become a nun like your parents always wanted, or leave the order and live a secular life like you've always wanted. but the fact that a sister's flirty nephew is staying in the convent for the summer provides a perfect distraction to such headache.

♔ PAIRING: rockstar!jungkook x novice!reader

♔ GENRE: 80s au, angst, smut, humour, fluff, s2f2l

♔ WORD COUNT: 16.3k another long one i'm sorry

♔ WARNINGS: minor characters death, religious themes, catholic guilt, smoking weed, swearing, sacrilege and exhibitionism: fingering in a church, profanity, blasphemy, quiet sex & loss of virginity (you're probably thinking girl AGAIN?), protected sex, betrayal, one mention of rape

♔ AUTHOR'S NOTE: for an atheist i do seem to write a lot about religion lol. the first song jk writes & performs for reader + the inspiration for the title is rock god by selena gomez, and the second one church by chase atlantic. i recommend you listen to them in advance☺️ also, we'll pretend jk is blond in the banner okay?

1986

The day was going incredibly slow, as all of last month’s had.

Most people would attribute that to the fact that you were a novice, but their idea of what that entailed was far from the reality. Contrary to popular belief and even if some sisters wished it was the case, cloistered nuns didn’t spend all day just praying. There were many other things to keep busy with in a convent, such as attending to one’s studies, doing household chores, or working to bring money in and keep the place going. Free time had never been the part of the day you looked the most forward to, though, until recently. Not that it got any better then.

Contradictory as though it was, you were kept from the present by the same plaguing thoughts you didn’t want to be left alone with… And sometimes, such as now, you didn’t have any choice but to force yourself back into reality, running late as you were.

The novice mistress Sister Daeun—that is, the one responsible for the training of the novices—had assigned you to fix the torn seams on your classmates’ habits that morning. Hey, someone had to do it. So off you ran through the cloister not to melt under the same sun others didn’t seem to mind.

Others being Jungkook and the group of girls who gathered around to listen to him play the guitar.

The presence of men wasn’t rare in your abbey, built some centuries back. It was sort of shut off from the rest of the world, hidden up in a mountain, but lost hikers always wandered into it and the abbot was more than happy to let them spend a night or two as guests, regardless of their gender.

Jungkook was a guest too.

He was in a rock band, or so you’d heard, and that career choice was why his parents had kicked him out, something you’d pity him for if he wasn’t always in a cheery mood whenever you chanced to see him around. Of course, what guy wouldn’t, surrounded by girls?

It didn’t bother you that some of your less spiritual sisters succumbed to his tattoos, long dyed blond hair, charming voice, and piercings. Their parents would doubtlessly tell them to stay away from someone who looked like a delinquent—your conscience did too—but then again, they were the ones who’d forcefully made them join the order, so you understood where the girls’ disobedience came from. On a personal level, in fact.

Though not because of the same reason, you weren’t there willingly either.

Unlike theirs, your behaviour wasn’t scandalous in any way and there was no need for you to be schooled in rectitude, no. This was just the path your parents had wanted you to take since you were little and you’d resigned to comply, however unhappy it made you. It wasn’t that you wouldn’t make a good nun, devout as you’d been raised and actually enjoyed being, but it wasn’t your calling.

Leaving the lively cloister behind and trying to do the same with your affliction, you rushed to your destination.

About three hours later, you were still sat in front of the sewing machine in the otherwise empty laundry room, humming on a loop the part of the song Jungkook had been playing earlier. You couldn’t deny it was catchy... Besides, you needed a tune to distract you from the machine’s repetitive noise and the summer heat, or else you’d go crazy. Maybe you had already, given you’d failed to notice someone opening the creaky door and walking in.

“Hello?”

Startled, you raised your head to meet the eyes of the rockstar himself, filled with something akin to interest. “Oh, hi...”

Jungkook chuckled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” Before you could kindly tell him not to worry, that it was your fault for spacing out, he grabbed the hem of his shirt to show you the hole in it that until then you hadn’t caught sight of. “I was told to come here to get this fixed?” He then glanced at the dozen habits lying on the table you still had to work on, and changed his mind not to burden you, “But I can come another time– Or not at all! I mean, ripped clothes are trendy, aren’t they?”

For the first time in a while, you laughed genuinely and not out of courtesy, “I wouldn’t know, there’s not much variety in a novice’s wardrobe.” Since Jungkook’s t-shirt would just take a moment to mend and you didn’t mind helping him, you decided to neglect your current task without a second thought, holding out your hand with a smile. “It’s alright, really!”

“You’re an angel.” He smiled back as he took off his t-shirt, exposing a toned body you weren’t prepared for. Bet he says that to all the girls, intruded a thought in your mind as though to make go away the uplift of his compliment, but you brushed it off before he reached the table. “By the way, was that my song you were just humming?”

“Oh? I heard you sing it earlier, but I didn’t know it was yours,” you said while getting to work. Meanwhile, Jungkook leaned against the door’s frame. “I don’t really listen to music much.”

“What?!” He was utterly shocked, eyes wide like he’d seen a ghost. “That’s the greatest sin of all! I’ll have a serious conversation with the abbot, they’re not teaching you girls the important stuff here.” Father Jimin would certainly be amused at such a request. “But I did see you running earlier in the cloister, now that I think about it. It is hot, Y/N, but I don’t believe the floor is in flames.”

He knows my name? What a stupid question. Whoever had told him to come to the laundry room must have seen you entering it and mentioned you’d be there.

“Yeah, I was late, had overslept. It probably looked like someone was chasing me… Nun on the run!” you rhymed out of nowhere. “There’s a title for your next single.”

“If naming my songs will get you to listen to them, I’m down.” You looked up from the task at hand to ask him if that meant he’d credit ‘Sister Y/N’ as a songwriter, but the sight of someone walking down the hallway towards the laundry room scared the words away. “You know, you’re too pretty to be a nun.”

Sister Daeun, now right behind Jungkook, smacked the back of his head and asked, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jungkook’s smile turned into a pout as he rubbed the spot. “Nothing, aunty. Ouch…”

Yes, he was her nephew, which was the main reason why Father Jimin had allowed him to stay not just for a few days, but the whole summer. Sister Daeun had promised on his behalf that as a thanks, he would help around to earn his bed and under no circumstances put in peril anyone’s vow of chastity. If he weren’t so good-looking, you imagined she wouldn’t have needed to make that promise.

“Y/N…” she sighed when she saw the pile of habits you had yet to fix the seams of. Despite the disappointment in her voice, she made sure to say tactfully, “It’s almost midday, I asked you to have all of them done before ten.”

Jungkook was the only one in the room who had no clue as to why you’d been working so slowly, but he didn’t hesitate to step forward when your head lowered in shame. “My bad, I’ve been distracting her for hours. And on top of it, I gave her more work…”

He approached the sewing machine, got his t-shirt, and put it on, all while you stared at him at a loss for words. Why would he take the blame? Sister Daeun started telling you to finish some other time and get ready for lunch, but you stopped listening, attention fixed on Jungkook as he discreetly winked at you before leaving.

That wasn’t the last time you met that day. Well, incorrect, because it was past midnight.

Like many nights before, guilt stirred a restlessness that kept you from falling asleep, the only solution you could think of being walking around the empty abbey in the hope of tiring your body and with it, your brain. It wasn’t that easy, though, often hours how long you’d wander about, always ending up at the cloister. Sitting on the stone base between the columns and gazing up at the stars brought some peace to you. More than praying, it appeared.

That night, such peace was disrupted when barely after ten minutes of it, the sound of a lighter being flicked made your head whip around.

“So you do have hair,” Jungkook joked as he sat against a column, bending one knee so he could rest his elbow on it. Although a bit embarrassed you were in your pyjamas and thus wearing no white veil that covered your head in front of a guy you didn’t know, you did the same on the next column to be able to face him. “Can’t sleep either?”

“Lately, not.”

He puffed at his joint before offering it to you, and a short laugh broke through your lips. Was he seriously tempting a novice to burn one with him? To be fair, he did mean to help you sleep, but it was still a bit… much for you. “I’ll pass, thank you.”

“Yeah, probably not a good idea,” Jungkook nodded at his own words before taking another puff, blowing the smoke to a side so it wouldn’t reach you. “I don’t want your parents to make a complaint because there’s a bloke loose in the convent corrupting the nuns. Can’t afford to be kicked out of here, too,” he whispered the last bit, as though talking to himself.

“Don’t worry, that’s not happening.”

“Why not? Are you girls not allowed visits or something?”

“No, we are, it’s just… they died last month. Car crash.”

“Shit, I’m so sorry.” You could see in Jungkook’s wide eyes how much he regretted bringing them up. “That explains why you were out of sorts this morning... Agh, I can’t believe they’re still making you do work, what a bunch of heartless pricks! Not to mention class, I mean, isn’t it summer?”

His indignation for your sake came as a surprise. Ignorantly, you’d allowed prejudices to decide what kind of person Jungkook was before he got the chance to show you himself. The familiar guilt well-deservedly returned to grip your heart.

“Father Jimin actually had me switch jobs with some sisters so that I’d get to do less demanding stuff,” you came to the poor abbot’s defence. “It makes no difference, but he’s not to blame nothing can.”

"Doesn’t praying help?” He took another puff, lips curling into a smirk at the thought that next crossed his mind. “I thought nuns had a direct line with God.”

The truth was your relationship with the Lord had strained. As someone whose thoughts and desires couldn’t help but fall into sin over and over, you didn’t feel worthy of His comfort, or dared ask for guidance. His or anybody’s.

“I have to go through the telephonist angels first, I’m not an official nun yet.” The muscles of your face relaxed, gaze falling to your lap. “To be honest, I don’t think I want to be.”

Jungkook’s head cocked to a side. “Really? So, what are you doing here? You don’t strike me as the type forced by her p– uh, family.”

“I do like this place and what they’re teaching us, but I’m here because my parents wanted a saintly daughter who could put in a good word for them up there. I tried telling them once that I have dreams of my own, but it ended in an argument they had the last word in. Now that they’re dead, it’s like the topic is permanently sealed, I can never talk them out of it. And I mean, I love them, so how can I disappoint them? What would it say about me if I waited until my parents were dead to disobey them?”

Only after you finished venting did it dawn on you that perhaps you’d said too much. After all, what did Jungkook care? What did anyone?

“What’s your dream?”

The question took you aback, but you still answered, “I’d like to go to university, get married someday, have kids... Not be trapped inside these four walls for the rest of my life, you know?”

“I know exactly what you mean, trust me,” Jungkook said quietly before puffing at his joint again. “You’re free to leave, though, right? I don’t need to master-plan an escape?”

You hummed a laugh, mindful not to be loud enough to wake anyone up, given neither of you should be out of bed. There may or may not have been a curfew you were breaking, as well as a tradition called the Great Silence in which everyone kept quiet from the final liturgical prayer of the day until the earliest one the next morning. It was a rule often broken, especially by you, but that didn’t mean the abbey wasn’t dead silent.

“Anytime I want, yes, only next year I’m supposed to take my solemn vows.” Jungkook nodded but a slight frown gave away he didn’t know what that meant. “Poverty, chastity, and obedience? It’s like a wedding with Jesus. I can always divorce him, but that doesn’t mean marriage is a light affair.”

Most orders didn’t work like that. There were various stages one had to go through before becoming a professed nun: an optional aspirancy, then a postulancy, a novitiate, and finally, a juniorate. Since you’d gone to Catholic school all your life, you’d skipped the first, done no more than a few months of the second, were about to start the final year of the third, and would not be doing the fourth since your convent didn’t teach it. Instead of six more years of formation before taking your perpetual vows, then, you had only one.

“Damn, and here I thought I had the most fucked up horoscope of the year. Maybe we were born on the same month.”

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t everyone know my parents kicked me out because I want to be a rockstar?”

“Yeah...”

Once again, you’d assumed wrongly about him. That because of his profession and looks, he was a rebellious kid who hated his parents and was glad to be rid of them. You hadn’t even considered their shunning might be putting him through a hard time.

“Look, disappointing your parents beats living a miserable life just to please them, even if it sucks. One day we’ll be old, and I personally want to look back and not regret my youth, feel like I wasted it. I’m not gonna tell you what to do but if you want my opinion, getting out of here and chasing your dreams says no more than you’re in charge of your own life.”

You had no idea why after that, Jungkook had taken it as his mission to stick with you.

It was common knowledge that you’d barely uttered ten words since your parents’ accident, so all eyes were drawn like magnets when you engaged in conversation with him of all people for hours on end. Since you came from vastly different worlds, it surprised you too that even though his company didn’t lessen your guilt, it was the best way to distract you from it. And precisely, that was his intention.

He would sit next to you at meals, trying to convince the sisters around the table in all seriousness that because they were cloistered, they weren’t aware Earth had been invaded by aliens last year.

“Do you think we’re stupid?” a postulant asked, giggles escaping you at how ridiculous the conversation you were having was. “Some of us do go out sometimes, I think we would’ve noticed.”

“They want you to think everything’s normal because only an army of nuns can defeat them!”

“How do we know you’re not one of them, huh?” you played along, narrowing your eyes in suspicion while Jungkook placed a hand on his chest, feigning shock.

“Aunty will vouch for me but even if not, I can’t believe you’d doubt me. We’ve known each other for like, what, a week? That’s enough for me to follow you into battle.”

“Sorry but can’t be too careful during an alien invasion.”

“That I warned you about! Why would I say anything in the first place?”

“I’ve been here for many years,” an older nun chimed in from the other side of the table, making everyone turn their attention to her. She addressed Jungkook, “You’ve just reminded me why I joined the order.”

He blinked, dumbfounded. “Why, sister?”

“Men talk so much nonsense it makes my head hurt.”

To see Jungkook argue playfully about aliens and men with a seventy-year-old nun who was having none of his shit was an experience, but it wouldn’t be just that.

Like you’d told him, Father Jimin had allowed you to switch jobs. Your old one consisted of embellishing clothes with elaborate religious embroideries—hence why Sister Daeun had asked for your help with the torn habits—that would later be sold on a street market stall in town beside other products manufactured by your sisters, whereas your new one required almost no effort.

There was an old married couple nearby who ran a goat farm, and a small group of nuns from your convent helped them in exchange of a portion of the food they made, instead of a salary. Father Jimin was clearly trying his best to raise your spirits when he’d assigned you to tend to the cutest new-born goats, but it wasn’t until Jungkook tagged along and you saw him struggle with the baby bottles, spilling milk all over his clothes and cursing at the tiny animals, that the abbot’s goal was achieved.

“No, no, no, come back, you little shit!” He chased a hoppy kid around the barn, unable to contain that lovely high-pitched laugh.

“How are you making a mess out of literally the easiest thing in the world?” you teased from the bag of pine shavings you were sat on, another kid resting otherwise peacefully on your lap.

“That’s easy for you to say, I’ve got Psycho making me do cardio over here!”

“Try this one,” you giggled, motioning to the empty spot beside you with your head so Jungkook would sit down. When he did, you lay the kid on his lap carefully and brought the baby bottle to its mouth, both of you watching as it fed without any problem. “See?”

It didn’t take long for the milk to run out, after which you and Jungkook stroked the kid to sleep while the other one still hopped around, sharing a smile when your fingers accidentally brushed.

Because he’d tag along, you agreed to helping out in the kitchen on another day, as time was somehow bearable if he was there. But you were still going through the motions, your parents’ absence ever-present.

“What do you think?” Jungkook stirred you awake from your trance. “Bitchin’, right? The best thing you’ve ever heard?”

The song that got stuck in your head the day you met was playing on a boombox he’d brought from his van and put on the worktop while the two of you and three other sisters cooked lunch.

The girl you’d just heard, he had explained, was the band’s lead singer Amber, whom he sometimes joined apart from playing the guitar. There were also a Hoseok on the drums and a Taehyung on the bass. Bangtan, their name was. You’d never heard of them.

“I’m not sure about the lyrics,” meaning all the cursing and allusions to sex, which got your sisters flustered in the background, “but I like the tune.”

“The tune…”

“I’m just more used to church songs, is all.” Jungkook’s eyes lit up. “No.” You knew he was thinking exactly of blasting his rock songs in the middle of Mass.

“Why not?” he asked as a joke while trying to steal a couple of french fries from a dish. You slapped his hand before he could.

“Because Father Jimin will exile you, duh.”

“And don’t you think I’ll give up yet. I’ll be found outside your cell’s window playing music on my boombox until you agree to go out with me.” You should’ve cast away the heat before it reached your cheeks, as his flirting was obviously just for fun. Something he did with all girls and which meant nothing. “Better yet, I’ll write you a song.”

“I don’t think a novice is the perfect muse for a rock song, especially if it’s about…”

Jungkook shook his head. “I’ll keep it PG-13 for you, I promise.” He then grinned, rubbing his hands together. “I’ll start working on it tonight.”

You weren’t together at all times, though. No, you had class, he had work, sometimes you didn’t see him for whole days. Such was the case one cloudy afternoon around three weeks after first meeting, when Father Jimin approached you in the cloister. It had been a while since your last visit to his confessional box, so you feared a scolding.

“I wanted to talk to you, actually,” he said with that distinctive, soothing voice of his as you walked together, “about Jungkook.”

Your heart missed a beat for a reason that escaped your knowledge. It felt, somehow, as though you’d been caught doing something you shouldn’t. “What about him, Father?”

“I hadn’t seen you smile for a while and now it’s all you do when he’s by your side. I know the past month has been very difficult, so it makes me happy to see you get through the loss of your parents, Y/N.” Did it really look like things were fine? Well, better that than having everyone worry about you until things got fixed, if that ever happened. “However,” Father Jimin continued, “as your Spiritual Director, it’s my duty to advise you not to rely too much on someone other than God for solace. There’s a reason for enclosure, so that the outside world doesn’t distract us from religion. Unless… you’ve reconsidered your life as a nun? There’d be nothing wrong with that.”

What Jungkook had told you that first night, you’d been chewing on ever since, but God and your parents had long won the war. ‘Honour thy father and thy mother’ was one of the Ten Commandments, after all.

“I have no doubts. I belong here.”

The last time you’d stepped in town had been for the funeral, but Bangtan was doing a gig at what Jungkook claimed was the coolest venue he’d ever been in and he’d managed to persuade the other members to perform Rock God, the song he’d pulled an all-nighter to write. You didn’t know what a title like that had to do with someone like you but apparently, the lyrics were from your point of view.

“You have to come,” he’d begged for the millionth time across the table the previous day, interrupting your Bible reading in the library. Luckily, nobody else was there, or had been before his arrival.

‘Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.’

Did that mean He would forgive you for the sin of going against your parents’ wishes? That you could hang the white veil and live how you dreamed of? The next passages from the Book of Isaiah answered those questions.

‘If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land: But if ye refuse and rebel, ye shall be devoured with the sword: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it.’

In other words, you were fucked. There was no way out.

“I’d have to ask Father Jimin for permission, and I don’t think he’d let me go to a rock concert.”

You’d laughed to yourself at the idea but Jungkook had been serious, insisted, “Tell him you want to go buy groceries or something, he won’t say no to you.”

“You mean, ‘lie to him because he’ll take pity on you.’”

“Please.” He’d sank his elbows on the table, leaning so close you almost had to back away. You would have, had he not bewitched you with the most angelic of smiles. “Do it for me? I’ll tell Saint Peter I made you do it so he lets you in Heaven.”

That’s how you ended up in the queue for his concert, holding a plastic bag full of stationary you’d told Father Jimin you needed for class.

Jungkook had given you no ticket, said telling the security guy your name would suffice, and surely enough ‘Sister Y/N’ got you in. The habit had wisely been left at home, but the man still frowned at your modest outfit before putting a wristband on you that was a different colour than everyone else’s. You assumed it meant you were VIP.

There was a secluded area with round tables near the stage you were indeed taken to, where only a handful of other people were hanging out, waiting for the show to begin. You wouldn’t have thought of approaching them, as there was likely nothing you had in common, with them or anyone in the whole poorly lit venue. If you were there, out of your comfort zone, it was for Jungkook only.

The lights at some point changed colours and finally, the concert began. Bangtan got on the stage and performed song after song, giving their all to an audience that cheered loudly. You cheered too, captivated by a Jungkook who made you feel things with every look he gave you.

His blond hair was wet, whether with water, product, or sweat you didn’t know, but it dripped down his curls to his ripped clothes which allowed a glimpse of the inked skin of his torso. When had he got new tattoos? They weren’t there the day he’d got his t-shirt off for you to sew. You had never paid much attention to those that covered his veiny right arm and hand, but now you found yourself tickled by the fact, and wanting to see them up close. Definitely the tattoos, not his bare body… But most tantalising of all was the passionate way he played his electric guitar, moving around the stage with a confidence that made it clear he belonged there.

With that confidence, though, came a cockiness that had him eye-fucking every pretty girl in the crowd. Who’s to say he didn’t write songs for them too? Not to mention Amber, to whom he sometimes got so close you feared they were going to kiss—as did their fans, judging by their screams of excitement.

The last song of the night was Rock God, which he made sure to announce by enthusiastically mouthing you ‘This is it!’. You braced yourself for the lyrics.

Preacher man walked into the club, and he said He said, "Hey girl, can't you walk and not stray?" Father, I'm torn and I'm selling my soul to the Rhythm, the beat and the bass 'Cause I can't confess my rock and roll ways (Ooh) 'Cause I'm so possessed with the music The music he plays

Was the preacher man supposed to be Father Jimin? He wasn’t likely to walk in the venue right then, but the idea of him attending a rock concert was so absurd it made you smile. You guessed the tone of the song before Amber had even got to the chorus.

I can't stop my feet from dancing to the sound of his drum (Oh no) I fell in love with my rock god I can't keep my hips from swaying to his sweet melody You see, I fell in love with my rock, rock god

Oh, so not only did you like his music in this narrative, but you were also in love with him? You raised an eyebrow at that, to which he failed to bite down a smile. There must be thrill in succeeding to seduce a novice.

The next verse was similar to the first one. Then came the chorus again, twice, but it was the bridge that struck you, putting an end to the fun you were having. Jungkook watched your reaction closely, as he had during the whole song.

No, I wouldn't change a thing even if I could 'Cause I chose a path and I'm not looking back And I'm sorry if I left the angels crying over me

The chorus was sung twice more but the music muffled into the back of your mind, the bridge’s words lingering in the foreground. Would you be able to choose a path that resulted in your angels weeping? How could you? And how could Jungkook portray you as remorseless over it, when the matter was eating away at you inside?

The show was over before you knew it, and the audience slowly exited the venue while the band got out of their rockstars outfits and makeup backstage. About fifteen minutes later, they came into the area you were sat in and Jungkook bumped fists with the friends who’d come to see him in a rush, so as to not keep you waiting any longer.

Checking out your collared shirt and ankle-length skirt while approaching, he whistled. “Gee, Y/N, I can’t handle myself when you dress so sexy.”

“Because a novice’s habit is so much better.”

“There’s an appeal to it. Makes a man want to tempt you.” Earning a smile from him, you rolled your eyes. “Thoughts on the song. Shoot.”

You pouted. “Full of blasphemies. Are you supposed to be the rock god?”

“Who else?” Jungkook asked surprised. How did that escape you?

“Then why do I say ‘sound of his drum’? You’re a guitar player. Are you trying to set me up with your bandmate?”

“‘Guitar’ doesn’t rhyme with ‘god’,” he said matter-of-factly, it hitting him in the pause that followed. You laughed. “Well, yeah, neither does ‘drum’… but it does a bit more, right?”

“A bit more, yes. So, are you and Amber dating?”

Jungkook smirked. “Jealous much?”

“If you are,” you ignored his question, “she might not be too happy her boyfriend’s writing songs to other girls.”

“She has a boyfriend,” he cleared up, lifting a weight off your chest. “We’re just friends, what we do onstage is part of the show. Don’t worry, you don’t have to fight anyone to keep me.”

“What a relief,” you joked, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Listen, I’m gonna get going, it’s late and you said you were getting some drinks with Bangtan, so I’ll leave you to it. I had fun tonight, you did great.”

“I can drive you to the convent,” he offered, but you shook your head, picking the plastic bag up from the table.

“It’s alright, Sisters Joan and Theresa are still at their stall in the street market. I’ll go back with them.”

“Swell…” he said under his breath, hoping you couldn’t tell he’d wanted to say ‘bummer’ instead.

You didn’t see each other until the next night, when you broke the curfew yet again to hang out in the kitchen. Sat on the table, the two of you discussed your dilemma while sipping at the awful tea Jungkook had made. There weren’t many ways to fuck up tea, but he’d still managed it, holding the old kettle responsible.

All had begun with him pointing out you’d paled towards the end of Rock God and you telling him the lyrics had moved you because you’d chosen to finish your novitiate. There was no way, therefore, you could sell your soul to the rhythm, the beat, and the bass.

“I know I said I wouldn’t tell you what to do, but–”

“You did.”

“But hear me out. Now that we’re friends, I can’t just watch you make a decision I know you already regret.”

“I’d regret leaving too, at least this is the selfless choice.”

“Well, aren’t you a good person!” Jungkook’s mocking made you sigh and sip on your tea like it were alcohol. It did taste as bad. “Y/N, you need to live for yourself, not for two fuddy-duddies who couldn’t put their daughter’s happiness before theirs.”

“Don’t be mean to them.”

Jungkook only bit his tongue because of your pleading tone. “Sorry… Even if you loved your parents, you can’t deny they put you in a tough spot. I’m sure wherever they are, they’ve realised they were wrong and want you to be happy however you choose.”

“The thing is, they were convinced I’d be happy as a nun, that I just wanted to switch to secular on a whim. That’s why they ordered me to stay, they were looking out for me.” Jungkook almost grimaced at the word ‘ordered’, fought against commenting how messed up was the fact that you were using it in this context. Staring at the almost empty mug on your lap, you wondered whether it was insensitive of you to speak your mind. “It’s also what’s happened to you that I couldn’t bear happening to me, even if my parents are gone. I don’t want to do anything that would make them spurn me. I don’t want them not to love me,” your voice broke despite your best efforts.

Jungkook immediately stole the mug from your fingers and put it next to his on the table, so he could hold your hands. “Listen to me, my parents are assholes. Like, genuine bad people who shouldn’t’ve been allowed to have a kid. I won’t tell you the things they’ve said and done to me because you’d cry, but they are a different breed. Normal parents love their children no matter what. Why do you think yours would spurn you if they were still alive, instead of realising that they were making you unhappy?”

Good point, actually. If only it wasn’t far more complicated than that…

The second Jungkook withdrew his hands, you missed their warmth, even though it was a hot summer night. He sipped at his tea, and you suspected he only mmm-ed with delight to make you laugh, given he bloody well knew its taste was disgusting. Idiot.

“Just promise me one thing,” he added, a smirk tugging at his lips. “If you quit being a novice, go out on a date with me.”

Now, that made you laugh. “A date?”

Jungkook nodded, anchoring his foot to one of the legs of your chair so he could drag it close to his and rest his arm on its top rail, the proximity such that you could feel his breathing against your cheek. Heart racing, you crossed your arms and tried your hardest to appear unbothered. “I’ll pick you up at five and we’ll go roller-skating until we can’t feel our legs, then we’ll have dinner in my van while we watch a drive-in movie– A scary one, so you cling onto me for safety. Then I’ll drive you home, walk you to your door, and you’ll go ‘Oh! It’s too late, why don’t you stay over?’. So we’ll have some drinks, and you’ll take my hand to lead me into your bedroom, and then…”

“And then we’ll say our prayers and go to sleep.”

“To sleep, yes,” Jungkook chuckled, “afterwards.”

“I don’t know what makes you think I wouldn’t live almost like a nun if I left here. I am, in fact, a Catholic.”

“A relaxed one, I dare say. Oh, come on. You’ve never thought about breaking your faith’s rules? Not even to have fun?” He raised his eyebrows, waiting for a confession, but you shook your head.

“I can have fun without breaking the rules, I always have.”

Jungkook nibbled at his lip for a while, mentally debating with himself. Whichever of the voices in his head won, it made him say, “What if I showed you my ways? Would you be up for that?”

“Up for what, exactly?”

“You’ll see.”

Due to the series of communal prayers scattered throughout the day called Liturgy of Hours, it was as early as five that the whole convent got up. You’d usually go straight back to bed after the first one and get what more rest you could until it was time for class or work, but today, despite it being Sunday, a few sisters had volunteered to go to the farm and help around, you and Jungkook joining them to nanny the goats.

You didn’t mind getting your habit dirty there, but it was being an awfully hot July, which was the reason why you were wearing lighter clothes that morning when walking into the chapel alongside Jungkook to attend Mass. He was an atheist whom you supposed only went to these things to spend more time with you, and that warmed your heart.

Ever since you’d started hanging out, the same less devout sisters who’d previously flocked around him had gone back to the handsome abbot’s orbit, so the nearer pews to the altar had quickly been taken. Together, you sat alone at the back, the pew all to yourselves. Three quite tall sisters were sat in the one in front of you and acted as a barrier Father Jimin hid behind of, but as long as you heard him, it didn’t matter.

Your mind went elsewhere no more than a couple of minutes into the service anyway. Tuning out seemed to be easy as of late.

It was just so unfair, all of it. You could be learning in university, meeting new people, living a normal life where you wouldn’t need to ask an abbot for permission to go out if you fancied taking a fucking walk! It didn’t have to mean you’d stop practising your religion or let yourself fall into sin at all, nothing had to change in that regard. You took a deep breath charged with frustration. If only your parents hadn’t decided to take the car in the middle of a storm and you’d had more time to make them see reason… Why did they have to die? Why did God have to take them and leave you alone?

Right in the middle of your brooding was when Jungkook put his hand on your bare knee and asked in a whisper, “Hey, are you okay?”

You forced a smile that he didn’t seem convinced by, so his hand remained on the same spot after he’d gone back to paying attention to Mass. His touch didn’t make you uncomfortable, you welcomed it and the comfort it provided, but your jaw did drop when it slowly travelled down your inner thigh, towards your intimate area.

“What are you doing?” you mouthed, petrified at the possibility of anyone noticing. Luckily, the only person facing the pews was Father Jimin, who couldn’t see a thing from the altar thanks to your barrier-sisters.

“Showing you my idea of fun,” Jungkook leaned in to whisper, lips brushing against your earlobe. It wasn’t that what made you gulp, though, but the fact that he reached your clit and rubbed it softly over your linen shorts, up and down, side to side… The unexpected pleasure made your breath hitch in your throat, gaze flying around the chapel at the speed of light. “No one’s watching,” Jungkook reassured you. “Live a little, Y/N.” Feeling his middle finger now press your clit firmly and at an increasing pace, you looked at him, shocked there was no sign of shame on his features, eyes half-lidded with arousal as they studied your worried ones. “Tell me to stop and I will.”

Stop? You were still registering something had started there, in a sacred place, during Mass! What you were letting Jungkook do to you was all kinds of sinful, but… it felt so good you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything. Sobering up, he ceased his actions at that lack of consent, and was going to withdraw his hand and apologise had you not grabbed it and kept it in place down there, much to the surprise of both.

Relief showed on Jungkook in the form of an exhale. He wasted no time, then, sliding his hand inside your shorts and underwear, making you bite down on your lip when he found your clit once more and rubbed it in circles. He lingered there just enough to make your core pulsate with ache when he abandoned it to move on to your wet slit, something you had to slouch for him to do. He eased two fingers inside you that he began pumping in and out with a mastery that got you squirming in your seat, hand glued to your mouth to hold back the moans that threatened to escape it and gaze locked on the tattooed sleeve that disappeared inside your shorts.

That was when everyone started singing a hymn. Jungkook took the chance to quicken his movements, the sounds of your irregular breathing and his fingers sliding into your juices eclipsed by the song. He licked his lips, coating them with saliva before leaving chaste kisses on your neck, knowing if his tongue met it he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from fucking you right there and then. When he pulled back, he noticed you’d closed your eyes to get lost in the pleasure, and that they opened only when you felt his breath near your parted lips, to stare down at his. So close, yet he restrained the urge to kiss you, intent on watching you come.

He didn’t have to wait long, your walls now clenching around his fingers every time he rubbed that magical spot, thighs shaking as a result. All the tension built up inside of you suddenly released, and you dissolved into a daze just in time for the ending of the hymn. Not to overstimulate you, Jungkook gently removed his fingers and slipped out of the chapel. He returned a minute later with his hand washed and dry, and although you readily intertwined fingers with his when he reached out, you dared not meet his eyes after what had just happened.

That night you lay awake tossing and turning forever, unable to forget the feel of his touch.

Inexplicably, you weren’t ashamed of all the sins you’d added to the collection that day: falling into the temptation of lust, doing pre-marital sexual acts that didn’t lead to procreation, breaching your vow of chastity, desecrating a holy place, taking the sacrament while in mortal sin… Somehow, you just weren’t. You were, right after, but now it was as though you’d managed to sweep all the guilt related to it under the rug. As for the one related to your parents, well, Jungkook had been the sweetest distraction from it.

A distraction you craved again.

You must have been held sway by a demon when you got up from bed to go find Jungkook, but you were in no hurry to free yourself from its grasp.

Except for the first night, he tended to be the sleepless one who wandered about the abbey until you eventually joined him, so you knew he’d be awake. Indeed, he was on the phone in the community room, getting tangled up in the cord as he paced around, nervous. He couldn’t see you lurking in the hallway’s shadows, so you decided to let curiosity get the better of you and eavesdrop the conversation he was having.

“No, you’re not following,” he whispered into the phone. “My cousin’s friend’s brother is into this hot religious girl, and I– he! sort of fingered her in public… In a church… No, there were people present, it was in the middle of Mass… Nobody, that I’m– that he’s aware… No, Hoseok, it’s not dope! He’s going up and down the walls like a fucking yoyo... He isn’t so sure it was a good idea, fears he might’ve crossed a line… Well, he hasn’t seen her since, I think she’s been avoiding him– Agh, he thinks!... Fuck yeah, she did, and he loved it too… The problem is that I don’t want her to regret it and feel bad about it just because it wasn’t the time or place, or to never want to have sex because I got her into it the wrong way… What? He, I said he… You’re right,” he sighed, putting an end to his pacing. “I’ll tell him. Thank you, bro... ‘Night.”

Arms crossed, you couldn’t help but smile fondly. He was that worried about it? You should’ve known, you were friends after all. That was all he probably wanted to be, at least. Friends. With benefits, but friends. Who would want to be more than that not only with a novice, but with one as troubled as you?

A noise made you look up. It was Jungkook, now by the window, flicking his lighter over and over to pass the time. Your eyes inspected his fingers under the moonlight, the same ones he’d buried inside you that morning, and the longing that had got you out of bed returned to move your feet in his direction. You must’ve been abrupt while approaching him, though, as he jolted with a gasp at the sight of you.

“Sorry.”

“Y/N…” he said as he caught his breath from the startle. He had hoped you’d show up, but not so suddenly. Payback, he thought, for the way we met. “Listen, about earlier–”

You cut his sentence short with a kiss. It was soft at first, as timid as you felt, but Jungkook soon got over the shock that had frozen him and took charge of the matter, pulling you in a tight embrace. His tongue entered your mouth and swirled around yours like it was always meant to, or at least that’s what you wanted to believe. How else could it feel so good, and Jungkook so addictive?

It was a challenge, but you found the strength to step back and whisper so lowly that he almost didn’t hear, “I want you.”

“Are you sure?” Jungkook cupped your face with both hands, forcing you to look into his eyes. No need for that, they already had you enthralled, dark with the desire you’d infected him with.  

“Yes,” you exhaled, taking his hands in yours to lead him upstairs. “With you, yes.”

Once in your cell, you lost your pyjamas in a matter of seconds, both too impatient to feel each other.

Being naked and seeing Jungkook so was initially nerve-racking but once you were under the sheets, under his toned body, your bashfulness flew out the window. Especially when you saw his dick, already hard from just making out—you figured he’d been charged up since the morning. Yet his priority wasn’t his own pleasure, but yours, not an inch of your skin left untouched by his lips as he slowly travelled downwards. Until you started giggling out of nowhere, and Jungkook raised his head from in between your boobs to look at you in confusion.

“Your Barbie hair is tickling me,” you teased him as you tucked behind his ears the blond cascade that covered his face and grazed over your chest whenever he moved.

“Barbie, huh?” Jungkook whispered next to your ear only to lay a warm kiss right under it, all while he positioned himself in between your legs. “Do you want me to tickle you somewhere else?”

“Actually, I…” How did one say such a thing? “I want to tickle you, but I don’t know what to do.”

He chuckled, “My pleasure to instruct you.”

You did as he said and reclined next to him, upside down so he could touch you—he’d insisted—while you sucked him off. It did feel strange to take him in your mouth and run your tongue along the length of his shaft, at least until you heard his breathing speed up, resisting to buck his hips into your face as he was. Your cunt throbbed, and you wished Jungkook’s cock was inside it instead of your mouth. He seemed to sense that, so his hand soon crept between your thighs to remedy your ails, a whine escaping you then.

“You’re just as tight as earlier, fuck,” he groaned from the pillow as his fingers struggled to curl and uncurl inside of you, given you couldn’t keep still. It made you all the more eager to pleasure him, taking him as deep as you could so he saw the same stars you were beginning to see yourself. “You’re doing so well… That’s it, suck it harder, darling, ah… Wait, stop, stop!”

Immediately, you backed off. “Did I do something wrong?”

Jungkook sat up and used his thumb to wipe the drooling trail of saliva on your chin. “You were doing too well, miss.” Ogling your body, he licked his thumb. “Why don’t you come over here?” You nodded, would’ve agreed to do anything he asked in that moment.

He lay down again while holding your hands to guide you over to his lap, over his erection, but your sudden nerves made you shy away. Nevertheless, Jungkook pulled you closer with a smirk. “Where are you running off to?”

“I’m sorry, just… Will it hurt?”

He sat up to peck your lips cutely, “Oh, it will be excruciatingly painful,” and you pushed his chest with an eye-roll, so he returned to his previous position. He grabbed the condom he’d stopped by his cell to get before following you to yours and put it on.

A deep breath later, you grabbed his cock and placed its tip in your wet entrance, looking down at it to make sure you were doing it right. Hands between his head and the pillow, Jungkook watched patiently, turned on by your inexperience and the fact that he and he alone got to be the one to pop your cherry, make you break your vow of chastity. He thought it’d take you a while to get used to the size of his dick, but you surprised him by rolling your hips almost aggressively the second you sat on it, chasing pleasure as though it would escape from your grasp otherwise.

“Shit, yes, like that.” All flushed under you and with his eyes barely open, feeling the way you moved with all his senses, Jungkook ignited a lust in you that even an angel would be willing to fall from grace for.

“Oh my God, it feels so good…”

“I know, baby.” He wanted to dig his nails into your hips and move them back and forth himself but found that for a virgin, you were already doing a superb job, laughed instead. “Look at you, fuck. What a dirty bitch, you’re loving it.”

“I am…” you panted, his name-calling sending you over the edge. “Jesus, I am.”

It wasn’t long until Jungkook felt your walls clench tight around him, something he didn’t blame you for as he himself was close too. His cock had been burning in his pants ever since Mass, even after he’d jerked himself off in his cell when the service had finished and you’d vanished. Grabbing your wrist, he pulled you close to his mouth and kissed you hungrily, but even then, you refused to stop moving, felt too good. “Gonna come already? You like me that bad?”

I like you a lot. You were having a tough time not moaning, especially when he talked. His deep voice did all manner of things to you. “I’m so close, ah...”

“Why don’t I help you out with that, hm?”

He didn’t wait for an answer before bending his knees and repeatedly thrusting into you with such force that it had you gasping for air. If you’d known he could fuck you like that, you’d have asked him to be on top at the beginning. Eyes squeezed shut, you buried your head in the crook of his neck to moan against it as you came, finally letting go. Jungkook bit into your shoulder, not to hurt you, just hard enough to keep himself from grunting loudly as he found his own release after a few more thrusts, but your bodies remained locked until your heartbeats slowed down.

It didn’t hit you how loud your panting had been until your breath toned down and there was silence in the room. You prayed it hadn’t woken anybody up.

At some point, you got off Jungkook for him to remove his condom and go throw it in the bin next to your desk. You covered your naked body with the sheets, expecting to next see him get dressed, but he lay back on the bed. You didn’t understand.

“Aren’t you leaving?”

He scoffed. “Kicking me out, ouch. Why would I leave?”

“I thought… that’s what guys do.” At least, that was what your non-virgin sisters had told you. That men lost interest in a woman as soon as they’d had their way with her.

Jungkook shook his head as he said softly, “I’m not going anywhere.” Having sex surely messed with one’s head, there was no other explanation as to why you blushed like a teenager. The two of you got on your side, facing each other, and Jungkook started caressing your arm with the back of his fingers, the simple action so soothing you thought you’d fall asleep. “Is this nice?”

“Very,” you replied, eyes closing against your will.

“Did I go too far earlier?”

You were taken aback by the sudden question. “Maybe, but I liked it. You were right about breaking the rules. Looking back… I think it was what you said about living a little that got to me. Here at the convent, I don’t really feel alive, but I do when we’re this close.”

“See?” Jungkook asked gently, trying to make you see his point. “What’s stopping you from quitting, then? Nothing should cost you feeling alive.”

“Apart from my parents?” you sighed. “Look around. As a novice, I couldn’t receive their inheritance. Vow of poverty, remember? What you see in this cell is everything I own.” Jungkook had already noticed on his way in your lack of personal belongings. A cross hung over the bed, a small pile of religious books on the desk, a framed photo of you with your family, and little more. It was so empty and cold that anyone would’ve thought you’d just moved in. “I can’t afford to go to university, much less live on my own.”

“Well… I’ve been saving up for a while and I’m moving in an apartment with Hoseok and Tae when summer’s over. Why don’t you come stay with us? I’m sure they won’t mind!” he said enthusiastically, eyes sparkling like he’d come up with the solution to all your problems. “I’ll help you find a job and you’ll be able to afford uni, easy-peasy.”

You were too sleepy to chuckle, but a faint smile did tug at your lips because of how determined he was to fix things. Things that were too broken to be fixed. “Let’s not talk about this right now, please?”

Even though Jungkook wasn’t pleased with your response, he forced a smile. “Why, did I tire you out?” Leaning in, he kissed your lips lightly. “You’re right, let’s not ruin the moment. Come here.”

He had you rest your head on his chest, and held lovingly, you fell asleep.

Understandably, he’d left by the time you woke up. If anyone saw him coming out of your cell, they might work out what he’d been up to there and the two of you would be kicked out of the convent. His scent lingered in your sheets, but it didn’t make any less disappointing waking up without him by your side. What’s more, as you put on your habit after having a quick shower, you were assailed by the most heart-breaking questions.

What if Jungkook had pretended to be your friend only to get in your pants? What if, now he’d got what he wanted, he blew you off? What if you’d risked everything for a guy who felt nothing for you?

To your immense relief, when you walked into the refectory for breakfast, he waved at you with a smile and gestured you to sit next to him. You were going to before Father Jimin suddenly appeared before you.

“Good morning, Y/N,” he greeted warmly, as ever.

“Oh, good morning, Father!”

“I wanted to make sure everything’s okay.”

You blinked. “It is, why?”

Shit. He knows?

“You left the chapel in a hurry after Mass yesterday,” he said, “and you didn’t show up to the remaining services. Were you unwell?”

“Oh... Yes, I was.” If you had locked yourself up in your cell, it was for no other reason than to avoid Jungkook and digest the fact that he’d fingered you in public. You lied, “I was sick all day, but I’m fine now.”

“I’m glad,” Jimin said with a smile you returned, then grabbed your hand to surround it with both of his, like old people will. “I know this comes out of nowhere, but I’m really proud of you, Y/N. For pulling through these challenging times. Many, including myself, can only learn from your strength. I know you’ll make a great nun.”

He gave your hand a soft squeeze and left you there, frozen in your spot. It was as though your sins finally dawned on you, all of them at once. You’d really believed leaving the convent didn’t have to mean you’d betray your faith and here you were, sleeping with a guy you’d met barely a month ago without shame because that made you feel alive.

What had you done? What were you turning into?

No longer hungry, you left to go back to your cell, tears already streaming down your cheeks before you made it out of the empty hallways. Or were they empty?

“Y/N!” You ignored Jungkook’s voice and quickened your pace, too ashamed to face him. “Hey, wait up!” He sprinted to reach you, concern shaping his features when he blocked your way and realised you were crying and trying to hide it from him. One thing was telling him your troubles, another to break down like a pathetic, helpless little girl. In the most caring tone, he asked, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

You explained, told him how you felt.

“I’m letting Father Jimin down,” you sobbed. “Him, my parents, God, and everyone.”

“You’re not,” Jungkook kept repeating. “You’re in a period of discernment, right? So who says you can’t reach a conclusion by trial and error? That’s what other nuns have done too. Before they got here, yes, but it was doing things they later regretted that convinced them to become nuns.”

“I don’t regret last night,” you said in all honesty, “but I do hate that I don’t regret sinning... You just can’t understand, you’re not religious.”

Jungkook looked down. “Maybe I can’t, but if I know something it’s that if what we did made you happy, it shouldn’t be a sin.” He looked around to make sure no one else was there before cupping your wet cheeks and kissing you, every muscle in your body relaxing under his touch as he knew they would. “Now come with me and eat something.”

He didn’t fully convince you, but your will wasn’t strong enough to resist his tempting.

For the next three weeks, you continued sleeping together at night, pretending you were no more than close friends at day. Whatever the time, Jungkook made sure to spend as much of it as possible with you, although not for a moment did you ever let yourself believe he had any feelings for you other than sexual. You weren’t even sure you wanted him to develop them, truth be told, as this thing you had was a fling. Come the end of summer less than a month from now, he’d move out and you’d start the second and final year of your novitiate, so whatever it was between you had no future.

Still, he kept writing you songs.

Some he’d sing quietly in bed so you’d fall asleep listening to his angelic voice, but the latest one, Church, he’d also asked you to come see him perform in a concert. And so, you’d lied to Father Jimin again, claiming the ancient kettle in the kitchen was broken and a new one needed to be bought. What’s a sin more to secure your one-way ticket to Hell?

Jungkook had warned you this song was not PG-13. He’d be the one singing it, not Amber, and he’d begged and begged you to wear one of his huge t-shirts to the concert with nothing underneath, refusing to tell you why. Leaving the abbey dressed as modestly as was expected of a novice, you changed outfits in the venue’s toilets. You didn’t know why you’d agreed to it but the first line of Church explained his request.

You're wearing nothing but my t-shirt Call me shallow but I'm only getting deeper, yeah Stay on the ground until your knees hurt No more praying, baby, I'ma be your preacher

He half whispered the whole verse into the microphone, all while his eyes pierced yours from the stage. You couldn’t look away either, entranced by his voice and presence. So far from where you were sat, how could he make you feel as though the air had run out in the whole venue?

And I'll keep leading you on If you keep leading me into your room The drinks are all gone But that's fine, baby, so am I

You remembered the date Jungkook had talked about taking you out on and how… standard it now sounded to you as he turned his attention to the girls who cheered for him in the audience. Was it scripted? Something he said to all of them to lead them on? The more you thought about it, the more you realised he’d never actually take you skating. No, you were just for keeping his nights busy.

His gaze found you again.

I'm about to take you back to church (back to church) Well, tell me your confessions, baby, what's the worst? Yeah Baptise in your thighs 'til it hurts (you know it hurts) 'Cause I'm about to take you back to church (oh yeah)

I'll keep you up until the sunset Speaking in tongues, yeah, we ain't done yet (yeah) Don't take my verses out of context I know it's weighing on your conscience

Those last two lines… Further confirmation your relationship was just sex and that you shouldn’t read too much into anything he said, or feel guilty for sinning by having a friend-with-benefits. It was self-contradictory of you to feel down about him not reciprocating your feelings, but you did. Don’t they say love is irrational?

Despite how sad you’d got, the night didn’t end with the concert, but with Jungkook fucking you without restrain. When he was inside you, nothing else mattered.

You were in the back of his van, parked somewhere near the abbey yet not enough for anyone to hear the loud moans that each of his thrusts caused, even with the windows open not to melt in there.

“Fuck, keep moaning for me,” he grunted, gripping your waist to keep you in place.

“Keep fucking me, then…” Jungkook scoffed, would’ve commented on how dirty he’d turned you had he not been so close. You’d come already yourself, but were more than glad to let him go on until he did too.

“Since you’ve got such a big mouth,” he said, panting, “why don’t you put it to good use?”

It took him most of his willpower to pull out and remove his condom. You sat up and opened your mouth for him to shove his hard cock in, swirling your tongue around the tip before closing your lips tight around it and starting to bob your head to take all of him. A bit more experienced now and having learned to love sucking Jungkook, you knew exactly how he liked it done. You could feel it, his cock twitching against your tongue as you savoured it, letting you know he was going to come.

He pulled back again to jerk himself, and you began rubbing your clit, aroused again by the sight between your spread legs. “I thought you were done?”

“Yes, but you’re so hot…” you moaned, and he huffed out a laugh. Biting his lip harshly as he ogled your naked body and the way you touched yourself, it wasn’t long until he came all over your thighs, your own release following.

Jungkook smirked when he was no longer out of breath. “Dreams do come true.” He was staring at your thighs dripping with his cum and your own juices, and you realised he was talking about Church’s ‘baptise in your thighs’. You were about to smile when the rest of the song came to mind, and suddenly you didn’t feel like it anymore… Once Jungkook had cleaned you up with a cloth, he lay down next to you. “Come here.”

You always hoped he’d say that, even though he never failed to. So resting your back on his chest, he held you from behind, caressing your hands in a comfortable silence. It was then that you noticed the blank spot between the tattoos in Jungkook’s wrist. It was tiny, but seemed intentional.

“Are you not inking this bit?”

“I’m saving it for a small symbol, maybe a letter.” He kissed your temple. “Your name’s initial, what do you say?”

Your lips committed to it before your brain did. “Do you get tattoos of the others?”

Jungkook frowned. You couldn’t see him, but you knew he did. “What others?”

“The other girls you sleep with.” There was no jealousy in your casual tone, but it was still petty. Jungkook shifted so he could face you. He was indeed frowning, both perplexed and offended.

“There are no others,” he promised, serious as you’d ever seen him. “You trust me that little?”

“I didn’t think I had to trust you. Aren’t we just hooking up?”

Jungkook rubbed his eyes as if the confusion was giving him a headache. “You thought I was sleeping with other girls and said nothing?”

By what right could you ask him to be faithful in a relationship you planned to end soon? Besides, what if in doing so, you annoyed him enough to stop wanting to be friends? If sharing him with others was the only way to have him, it hurt, but you’d do it. You looked down as you whispered, kind of embarrassed, “I guess I do like you that much…”

Jungkook raised your chin with his curled index finger, made you look at him. He despised the sadness he saw in the depths of your eyes, the one you were trying to repress. “You’re much more than sex to me. I worship you and if I could, I’d spend every waking moment next to you.”

In a small pause, you tried to rack your brain. “Is that from a song?”

“No, but it should be. I’ll write it down later.” Jungkook nodded, agreeing the rhyme had potential. Still, he wasn’t going to let you change the subject. “Y/N, I’m in love with you.”

He is?  That did take you off guard.

“You shouldn’t be, I’m a novice,” you said anyway at your most hypocritical.

Jungkook sighed, “What’s so wrong about it? Don’t you love me?”

You didn’t want to lie to him. A smile made your lips stretch before you answered, “I do,” and softly, Jungkook kissed them. Every time he pulled back from a kiss, it felt like it had been too short, no matter how long it lasted. Like you needed more because you could never be sated of him. “Does this mean… we’re dating?”

“I mean, you’re technically engaged to Jesus, and I’m not a guy who likes sharing,” Jungkook joked before giving you a peck and returning to his previous position under you. “If you don’t wanna be just lovers, you’ll have to break up with him first.”

You answered nothing. Should you listen to him, though?

Around two weeks of bliss sprang from your love confessions, where it became hard to pretend you weren’t mad for each other in public, such as when he’d whisper in your ear how provocative you looked in your habit and you giggled like a schoolgirl in love—which, technically, you were. Your parents barely made it into your thoughts, as they were filled to the brim with Jungkook.

From the moment they were over, it all went downhill. Worse, it fell into an abyss.

You had just come out of class with other novices when your hand was grabbed by someone who dragged you through the hallway to head upstairs. “Sorry to steal her, sisters, it’s urgent!”

“Jungkook, what are you doing?” you asked as he led you into your cell in a rush, closing the door for privacy. “You can’t be in here during the day–”

“I’ve found a way.” Only then did you notice how excited he was, a grin across his face. “A way to pay for your university.”

His aunt had been the one to tell him, at the beginning of the summer, that he must plan ahead as an adult now that his parents had turned their back on him, but it wasn’t until he fell for you that he actually started doing that. He was sure he wanted you to be by his side on whatever path he took, for his future to merge with yours somehow.

You, however, knew this conversation would not end well. “Enlighten me.”

“Bangtan is going on a nationwide tour next year.”

“Oh my God, that’s great!” You held his hands and grinned with him. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Y/N, this means I’ll earn a lot of money.” Then, you looked away. “With what I’ve got saved up plus that, you can afford to go to uni, even a private one, and we don’t have to live with the boys, we can have a place of our own! On the road we won’t even have to sweat about that, our company will pay for everyth–”

You freed your hands from his grasp, said with a nervous laugh, “You’re going a bit fast, Jungkook…”

His grin faded. “What do you mean? Isn’t money what you need to get out of here?”

“I’m grateful you want to take care of me but I can’t leave, you know why.”

“Are you serious right now?” Jungkook couldn’t believe it. “Y/N, your parents are gone. I know it’s hard but you have to move on, I don’t want you to wither in this place when you have a chance at happiness.”

“Just because you chose to let your parents down doesn’t mean the rest of us want to.” You regretted those words as soon as they left your mouth, the sound of Jungkook’s heart breaking reaching your ears. Or was it your own?

It took him some long seconds to process you’d said that, then answer, “I told you how they were to me, forgive me for not giving a shit about them.”

“Well, mine are a different story. I do care about them.”

“And not about us? We can’t be together anymore after I leave the convent. Have you not thought about that, or were you going to end things like they meant nothing? Because for weeks, I’ve been trying to find a way to have a future with you.”

“I never asked you to,” you sighed, welling up. You might not have, but a part of you had wanted to. Wanted to go with him too. “There’s no way we can have a future together.”

Jungkook teared up as well, and you hated yourself for it. He was being met with unjust meanness from the person he genuinely loved. You sucked so bad.

“What am I to you, then? What have I been these past months?”

“A distraction.”

It wasn’t a lie, and that’s what hurt the most. You loved Jungkook, and yet, you’d used him to set aside the pain of your parents’ loss and the guilt that was consuming you for being a sinner. You were always going to dispose of him like a toy outgrown, regardless of everything he’d done for you.

He stared for a while, but you couldn’t meet his eyes out of shame. “That’s good to know,” he muttered before storming out, leaving you in a puddle of tears you deserved to be drowned in.

You trudged your way to class after a grey morning in the library. There was still no passage from any religious book that excused your countless sins and promised the salvation of your blighted soul, but that didn’t worry you so much right now. What did, was Jungkook.

He was likely avoiding you—for which you couldn’t blame him—though you doubted meeting and apologising for the ugly things you’d said would be a remedy to the damage done. Not that you didn’t mean them, but they could’ve been said with tact. Jungkook’s wicked crime was loving you, after all.

So busy were you missing something as random as his cologne that you didn’t notice until the end of the class that everyone kept stealing glances at you, whispering to each other afterwards. Even if a tired demeanour wasn’t deserving of such a disproportionate reaction, you still blamed the barely two hours of sleep you’d got for your sisters’ scandalised looks, but another novice approached you in the hallway out of pity to let you know you’d actually made the convent’s news.

You froze in your spot when she said it was because Jungkook had spread the rumour that you’d been sleeping with him.

No, please... Tell me he hasn’t.

Leaving your sister where she stood and running off to find him with the disapproving gaze of every other person you passed burning into your skin, you prayed you were inside a nightmare harder with each stride.

Jungkook couldn’t have betrayed you. Someone must have seen or heard you and put two and two together, right?

Such theory turned into dust when you saw him sat in the cloister surrounded by girls like the day you’d met, playing a melody in the guitar for their attentive ears. Somehow, you knew he’d done it then, and on purpose. You started to feel sick as you approached them, whether because of the summer heat or the knife stabbed and twisted in your back, you didn’t know.

“We need to talk.”

Jungkook didn’t bother to look up as he said, “If we were still dating, I’d totally be shaking at that sentence, Y/N.”

Some of your sisters giggled, others bit their lip not to. You went red, begged, “Please.”

Albeit reluctantly, he stood up and followed you to an empty hallway. You didn’t know whether you were more upset, scared, surprised, or disappointed, but the smell of the cologne you were missing earlier managed to calm you down a little, as Jungkook’s company tended to do. Your stupid body seemed to not have caught up on the fact that he was the cause of your hurting.

“What do you want?” he asked curtly.

“What do I want? To know how you could tell everyone about us, Jungkook, how you could do this to me. I’ll be expelled! And I don’t have parents or a family that will take me back if I go apologise to them, I have nowhere to go. Is that what you want? For me to be with you because I have no other choice?”

“Of course not, we’re done,” Jungkook assured you that wasn’t his plan, which you believed. He hated your guts, his dark eyes told you. “But now you’re not tied to a place you don’t really want to be in.”

“Oh, don’t pretend you didn’t do this out of revenge.”

“So what if I did?”

You stared at him for a while, speechless like he had the time you’d last met. “And here I thought you’d proved me wrong.”

“In what,” Jungkook asked in a scoff, “becoming a nun now that you’ve been dicked down?”

The coldness of his tone stung your heart. In disbelief, you shook your head. “No, in that there was more to you than what first meets the eye.”

A grain of shock broke through the mask of indifference Jungkook was wearing, probably because your words weren’t visibly said against your better judgement this time, but while seeing him through the same lenses as his parents did. You looked at him just like them the night they’d kicked him out, in a way he had hoped you never would.

And how could you not? You’d thought you knew him, yet he’d gone ahead and ruined your life. Maybe you never did know the real Jungkook at all, who was now too taken aback to come up with an answer before another novice approached.

“Father Jimin wants to see you, sister,” she said, after which you took a deep breath, nodded, and followed her without so much as giving Jungkook one last glance.

In his office, sat on his desk, Father Jimin was quiet. Had been so since you’d come in and sat down.

One of his elbows rested on his chair’s arm and two fingers pressed on his closed lips as he thought of what to say. You already had an idea of what it would be, and it made you no more ready, fists clutching the skirt of your lap.

“I don’t know what to say,” he finally confessed in a sigh. It struck you how it was the first time in the few years you’d known Father Jimin that you didn’t see a smile on his face, or at least friendliness. He was the kind of person who always saw the best in people but right now, there was nothing good left in you. “I’m truly at a loss for words. I never thought you’d do something like this, or that I’d find out from other mouths.”

Tears blurred your sight at the memory of him telling you he was proud of you. “I know I have no right to ask for forgiveness, but I’m begging you, Father. It was the mistake of my life–”

“You broke your vows, Y/N. Defiled a holy place.” Oh… Jungkook had admitted to that as well? Chin trembling, you pressed your lips together not to cry. “Lied to me about it and God knows what else… This behaviour cannot be tolerated. You can stay in the abbey until you find a job and a place to live, but you are dismissed from this community, if not excommunicated.”

You sobbed, unable to hold it in anymore, “Father, please. I can’t let my parents down, their last wish was that I become a nun–”

“Isn’t it your wish? Were you lying about that too?” Your head lowered in shame and Father Jimin leaned back into his chair with a loud sigh. “You should have thought about your parents before getting involved with Jungkook. Be grateful they aren’t here to see you stray this bad.” He waited for you to say something, but shame kept you from it, as he was right. “You may leave now.”

Everything had happened so fast that a week later, you were still assimilating it.

Except when necessary, you barely left your cell. Dreaded both the judgemental looks of your sisters and the non-existent ones from Father Jimin, who ignored your presence whenever he had to suffer it in the chapel or the refectory. Not to mention running into Jungkook. To your knowledge, he’d been kicked out too, was sometimes seen moving boxes from his cell to his van. There wasn’t much for him to pack, so you guessed he was dragging the process. What for, you tried not to care.

That was the main reason why, helped by the yellow pages, you’d been job-hunting through the telephone. Not that it was better or worse than going in person, because nobody wanted to employ an ex-novice anyway. They literally hung up when you mentioned you’d been expelled from the convent—as expected, to be honest—but lying again was not an option. You’d learned your lesson the hard way.

Eventually, you did manage to land an interview for a job. Given it didn’t pay that well, it’d be a while until you could afford to move out of the abbey and even longer until you’d step in a university as a student, which was frustrating, but at least you didn’t need anyone’s permission to leave. Since you weren’t a novice anymore, nobody batted an eyelid at you heading outside the afternoon of your scheduled interview.

You were near the main door when, out of nowhere, Sister Daeun stopped you to talk.

“My nephew’s told me everything. I can’t say I approve of your relationship, but it does make me feel better that there was love involved. A lot, apparently,” your gaze averted to the ground, “which makes your decision to break up with him out of respect for your parents all the more admirable. It was wrong of Jungkook to make it public, he knows that, and he would like to apologise and give you the money he made this summer.”

“I couldn’t take it, sister,” you opposed. “It’s his. He needs it to pay rent, he’s moving in with Hoseok and Taehyung.”

Wait, was that why he hadn’t left yet? Because he wanted to wait until September so he didn’t have to pay for August?

“He’ll make much more when he’s on tour,” Sister Daeun insisted. “This is the least he can do for you. That I can do for you, too. You’ll always be my novice, Y/N, no matter what.” Without a second’s thought, you hugged her tightly. It was solacing to know there was at least one person who saw past your sins. “Jungkook’s gone to get the money but he won’t be here until late, Bangtan is opening for another one of those rock bands in a concert tonight. He’ll give it to you tomorrow.”

“I was just going into town, so if you tell me the name of the venue, I’ll stop by. He must be there doing a stage rehearsal.” You remembered the light in his eyes when he’d explained to you everything about the vocation he was so passionate about, how sweet his smile was… No. No. You shouldn’t feel anything after what he’d done. “I want to get this over and done with as soon as possible.”

That turned out to be yet another bad decision.

Once your interview was over, you rushed to the same venue you’d seen Jungkook perform Rock God and Church.

Paying no mind to the fans at the entrance who looked askance at you for jumping the line, the security guy let you in when he recognised you. Memories of the two nights you’d previously been there stormed you while getting backstage, especially how fast your heart had beat because of the racy lyrics of the songs and the way Jungkook had looked at you from the stage.

Now, it died inside your chest as you watched him make out with Amber at the end of the otherwise empty hallway.

He had her pinned against the wall, hands gripping her ass to press their bodies together and lips devouring hers as though he couldn’t get enough. Amber’s hands were wrapped around his neck, and she now grabbed a fistful of his hair to pull his head back and start kissing his neck. You saw how Jungkook smirked at the action, turned on by her dominance.

Both in their rockstar outfits, they looked like a perfect match, so you couldn’t help but wonder if they’d been dating all along. If that boyfriend of hers Jungkook had told you about was none other than himself.

Forcing yourself out of your shock, you exited the venue through the back as quickly as you could, saving the cascade of tears that was already building up in your eyes until you were alone.

It wasn’t that you were going to forgive him and expected his apology to come with an offer to date him again, but even after everything he had done to you, you still loved him. You hated yourself for it, but you couldn't help it. You were so stupid that you wished he'd find you there, sat on the cold concrete, and just held you in his arms until you stopped crying.

The next day you slept through breakfast, and would’ve stayed in your cell until lunch had Father Jimin not summoned you to his office again.

Curiously, this time around he looked… sorry?

“I’ve been made aware of some information this morning,” he said from across his desk with a nod.

“About me?” You shifted uncomfortably in your seat. Oh, God, what now?

“I can’t answer that because it has to do with a confession, but it’s made me realise I was wrong.” He leaned in, gaze moving around as he tried to think of a way not to reveal anything disclosed in the confessional box. “I should’ve been more cautious instead of welcoming just anyone into our home. Sometimes, I fail to see beyond the surface, and it results in the harm of others. A harm I pray it’s possible to heal from.”

“I don’t understand…”

“What I mean is that you don’t have to be afraid anymore. You can go back to being a novice, or take as long as you need to resolve any doubts you might have. Whatever you choose, I’ll support you.”

“But, why, Father? The things I did– You forgive me?”

“I’ve seen you regret them even if they weren’t your fault, so yes, I do.” You frowned. “I just hope you can forgive me too.”

On your way back to your cell, you walked slowly, using all your energy to figure out what Father Jimin had been talking about. When the answer popped up in your mind, you turned around and ran through the abbey. If Jungkook had done what you thought he had… Fortunately, it didn’t take long to find him, as you almost crashed together when turning to the next hallway. Had it not been because he’d grabbed your waist in time, you would’ve fallen.

When he realised it was you, he let go and stepped back. “Y/N, I wanted to talk to y–”

“Did you tell Father Jimin you raped me?”

The question took him by surprise. “He talked to you first… Wait, I thought confessional secrecy was unbreakable?”

“He didn’t tell me, I deduced it on my own.” You crossed your arms, disappointed you were right. “Why would you do that? I can’t make sense of it.”

“It was the only way to get the abbot to take you back. It’s not like he can report me to the police, and I’m leaving anyway… I told him I made you do things and that you were scared to tell anyone.” Jungkook looked everywhere but your eyes. “I’m really sorry for outing you. It was fucking childish of me and you didn’t deserve it. I was just so mad at what you said… but I know that’s no excuse.”

A part of you wanted to apologise for that and even ask him if it was too late to start over, but another reminded you of what you saw last night and stopped you, along with the one that should hold the most weight—your parents. It was a miracle you’d been given back the chance to honour their wishes, so you couldn’t ruin it again.

“I also wanted to give you this.” Jungkook handed you an old school bag. “My aunt told you what’s inside, right? She mentioned earlier you were going to come pick it up yesterday at the venue.”

“Yes, I forgot…” you lied. “I was at a job interview and got out quite late.”

“That’s okay. Did it go well?” He shouldn’t have asked, it was none of his business anymore. The interest in you had just rolled out of his mouth before he could stop it.

“It did, actually.” Both of you knew that if you went back to being a novice, you couldn’t take the job, but neither addressed it.

“Swell.” Jungkook put his hands inside his pockets, looked at you like he wanted to say much more. “I hope you have a happy life, Y/N. I really do.”

“Wait, are you saying goodbye? You’re leaving now?”

So soon?

“Yeah, poor Father Jimin thinks I’m… Well, you know. I wouldn’t want someone like me around you girls either. Plus, it’s September today, summer’s over,” he said with a forced smile. “Hoseok and Tae are waiting for me in the van. I shouldn’t keep them waiting.”

Before he could leave, you walked closer and gave him a hug. It didn’t feel right even when he wrapped his arms tight around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck, what with everything left unsaid, but you needed to feel his warmth one last time.

“Goodbye, Jungkook. And happy birthday.”

Two years later

“You’ll like Bangtan, they’re wicked hot,” Chloe said for the third time, rather trying to convince herself than you, as she knew rock wasn’t your type of music. “Especially Taehyung, he’s my favourite!”

The concert was supposed to start soon, so hugging yourself and rubbing your arms, you stood on your tiptoes to check if the long queue ahead was moving any faster. “Well, I’m glad they’re hot, ‘cause I’m freezing.”

She, Chloe, was a friend you’d made on the first day of university. Lots had changed.

“It won’t be long now, get the tickets ready,” she gave you something to do, to forget about the February cold.

As she’d promised, it took less than five minutes for the two of you to enter the biggest venue in town. Such was the fame of Bangtan now. You were only glad the security guy from the other times wasn’t there to recognise you, since Chloe was unaware of your past as a groupie. It wasn’t that you were keeping it from her… You just didn’t feel like talking about him.

“Come on,” she grinned while grabbing your hand, all excited, “let’s get close to the stage!”

The concert lasted what felt like an eternity.

Not only did you have to endure Rock God and Church again, which opened the wound of a relationship you still hadn’t healed from, but you also had to keep your head down so as to not be spotted by the band members.

It was going alright, though, until you made the mistake of glancing up, and saw him. And he saw you.

Minus the fact that he wasn’t a blond anymore, Jungkook looked the same as always. Not that that was a bad thing. Whether in his rockstar outfit or covered in goat milk, he took your breath away. He skipped a few notes due to the shock of seeing you in the crowd but as the professional he was, he managed to make his faltering almost unnoticeable and keep playing the guitar like nothing had happened. But he wouldn’t lose you out of sight.

You wanted to look away, leave, even, but found you couldn’t, like Jungkook had put a spell on you. A spell that only broke once Bangtan thanked their fans for coming and left the stage.

Chloe, who’d been cheering throughout the whole show, now went on about how amazing it had been, how hot Taehyung had looked. Not really listening, you automatically nodded to everything until you heard, “Let’s go to the toilets before a line forms, I really need to pee.”

“Sure.”

You held her purse while you waited outside, recalling how Father Jimin had warned you seeing Jungkook again would only make your wound sting—to which you’d agreed! The only reason you were there was because you’d promised Chloe. Chloe, who was taking so long.

With a sigh, your eyes neglected that random spot on the floor they’d been fixed on and flew around to end up on those of Jungkook, who was walking towards you. The few people in the line to use the toilets gasped and watched their idol, but he didn’t care, walked past them like they didn’t exist. You, weren’t sure what to feel when he was finally in front of you.

“Hi,” he said with a faint smile that you returned rather awkwardly, given the fact everyone was looking at you. “Can we talk… in private?”

Every cell of your body told you to decline, that Jungkook was a book you shouldn’t pick up again even to leaf through, but your head nodded on its own accord. Hope you don’t mind, Chloe.

It was upstairs to the now deserted first floor he led you, and the balcony of which you stood next by, where you could see the few people left heading out. They didn’t hold your attention for longer than a second, though.

“I didn’t think you’d come,” Jungkook spoke almost shyly, yet his eyes didn’t leave your face until he forced them to, not to weird you out. How long had he been staring like that? But you looked so pretty...

“I’m here with a friend from uni, she’s a fan.”

He didn’t understand. “Wait, you ended up leaving the convent?”

“I did finish my novitiate but I never took the vows. They let me live there, though.”

It wasn’t a decision you made overnight, obviously, and one Father Jimin and Sister Daeun worked hard for many months to make you see it wouldn’t have upset your parents as much as you believed, much less get them to stop loving you. In fact, you were still coming to terms with it, not entirely free of guilt, but a mix of secular and spiritual life was proving to be exactly what you needed.

The university and the abbey, parties and Mass, your new friends and your family… You could have both and save your soul from damnation. Now, could you save your heart from breaking all over again? It felt like it already was, physically so close to Jungkook yet so far that an uncomfortable silence had fallen between you.

“Are you seeing anyone?”

You looked at him. Cut to the chase, alright… “I’m not. A-Are you?”

Was that a sigh of relief he let out through his parted lips, or did you just want it to be? “No.”

“I thought you’d be dating Amber.” Jungkook frowned slightly, so you went on and confessed, “I saw you together the night before you left. I came to pick up the money and… Well, none of that matters now.”

Horror painted Jungkook’s face. That was how you’d remembered him? Getting off with Amber?

“She’d just broken up with her boyfriend,” he wasted no time in saying. “Neither of us was thinking clearly. It was a one-time thing, an adrenaline rush after a concert.”

You hugged yourself, lips pressing together at the details you didn’t want to hear. “You don’t need to explain, we weren’t dating anymore…”

“Fuck, I’m sorry that you’ve thought all this time that I was with her,” Jungkook apologised anyway, gaze falling to the floor in shame. “Actually, I know that it doesn’t count for anything, but I’m sorry about a lot of things.”

“Yeah, I wish it did. Count… Or better yet, I wish I’d gone with you,” you laughed, at the fact that you meant it.

“What?” Jungkook took a step closer, as though he’d misheard and wanted to make sure he got it this time. Suddenly, you realised what an idiot you were being.

“Nothing, forget it.” You turned around to leave before the lump in your throat summoned any tears, but Jungkook took your hand to stop you. He couldn’t let you go, even if he’d been the one to leave last time.

“I’m glad you didn’t come with me, Y/N, and that you got to do what you wanted. But I do wish I hadn’t ruined everything and hurt you. If I could go back, I'd punch me in the face.”

It didn’t mean you’d forgotten, but the truth was that you’d forgiven what he did a while ago. After all, “I was also a dick to you.”

“If you’re a dick, then I like dick.”

Actually, you hated him.

You hated even more that that made you laugh but it was because of Jungkook’s clownery that you first fell for him. And you’d never stopped loving him. He smiled fondly, caressing your hand. On his wrist, where there used to be a small uninked spot, now was your name’s initial. Neither had he, it seemed.

“Does this mean you want us to…?”

His eyes opened wide, feigning scandal. “What, here? I’d sooner do it in a chapel.” You rolled your eyes, but couldn’t keep from smiling. “How about we start with a date? Say... Friday at 5pm? I know a good roller-skating rink.”

⇢ drabble: faith

#bts au #btswritingcafe #jeon jungkook #jeon jungkook x reader #jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #jungkook smut #jungkook fluff #jungkook imagine #bts #bts scenarios #bts fanfiction #bts smut #bts x reader #bts jungkook #rockstar jungkook #bangtan imagine #jeon jungkook scenarios

[melloollem]

You're no good to me|| Batboys × No reader gender

Summary: Your relationship is wrong, you're not doing each other any good and you need to find a way to cope.

Characters: Damian Wayne, Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Duke Thomas.

(DC masterlist)

Damian Wayne

He'd just walk away. Damian is so ingrained in the story of "being a bad person" that he would end the relationship immediately, believing that he's being the worst to you, even though it's clear how much the two of you are hurting each other. He would take full responsibility for all the fights, all the offenses. At a certain point he'll realize that he's hurt too, but he still thinks it's his fault.

Tim Drake

He's trying so hard to have you around. If Damian would leave immediately on realizing how bad things are, that wouldn't be the case with Tim, he believes he has to fight for it. All you've done is crash and burn? Okay, he can fix it, just give it some time. It would take Tim a long time to admit that you wouldn't work out. He'd also be ashamed of how hard he's trying. He wouldn't tell his family, friends, anyone, the excuse he'd give himself is "It's between us, no one needs to know", but in reality, he's just disappointed in himself for not being able to save your relationship.

Dick Grayson

He's lost. All the problems in your relationship were there from the start, you didn't love each other in the same way, the problem wasn't the intensity, it could never be, you were so dedicated to each other that even with the difficulties you started a relationship. The problem was the way you showed your love, which was very different from each other's personalities. The fact that it wasn't working out with a person he loved would cause him to start having major mood swings, and what was already bad would get worse. But the next thing you know, he's crawling to you apologizing (even for things that aren't his fault). He really doesn't know what to do and it would end in the worst possible way. He would take some drastic measure just to keep you away.

Jason Todd

He wouldn't admit it. Everything has changed recently, you don't look at each other the same way anymore, you don't love each other the same way anymore, and he wouldn't admit what's obvious, largely because this is a "silent ending", you haven't argued, you haven't broken trust with each other, you're just unhappy. How could he leave all those years and dedication behind for nothing? But he's not trying to rebuild your relationship either, he can see that there's nothing there. You were everything to Jason for so long, now he doesn't want to have anything.

Duke Thomas

He's the one who says "I get tired when I get sick and lose the strength to leave". It's not that he won't admit it, it's not that he denies it, it's not that he runs away, he just doesn't know what to do. He was so in love with you and now that's gone? He'll just stand there waiting for you to take the initiative, you can run away, fight, deny, just do something, because he won't do it.

#dc comics #jason todd #batfamily #jason todd x male reader #jason todd x reader #batboys #dick grayson #red hood #dc imagine #damian wayne × male reader #damian wayne × reader #tim drake × reader #tim drake × male reader #tim drake × fem reader #dick grayson × fem reader #dick grayson × male reader #dick grayson × reader #duke thomas #duke thomas × reader #jason todd headcanon #damian wayne headcanon #dick grayson headcanon #tim drake headcanon #dick grayson × you #batboys × reader #batboys headcanon #dc robin #red robin #damian wayne #tim drake

[parad-ice-lostandfound]

Prompt: "Do we have to get out of bed?"

Pairing: Rook hunt x GN!Reader/Prefect/Yuu

Genre: Fluff

TW: The characters are aged up, use of "mama" as a gender neutral term for a parent.

AN: It's time for the man, the myth, the legend himself: Rook! Ngl, this hunter gave me a ton of trouble with the fic. I'm still a bit unhappy with this, since I know it isn't one of my best works, but it is something. Happy birthday to everyone's favorite hunter <3 I hope you enjoy ^^ (PS: at one point, the reader is referred to as "mama". It is supposed to be read as a gender neutral term for a parent. If anyone who's fluent in French knows an actual gender neutral term for parent, please let me know ^^)

You opened your eyes to the chirping of birds outside your room, and the feeling of strong, warm arms around your middle. The warmth behind your body shifted slightly, pulling you closer and making you smile.

"Rook."

The blonde haired man hummed, letting you know that he was awake. Soft lips graced your neck with careful and slow kisses, a routine he performed daily as a sign of his love.

You turned in his hold, eyes softening as they met those of your husband. Rook smiled at you.

"Bonjour, mon amour," he hummed, leaning slightly to place yet another kiss, this time at your lips. Pulling away, he continued speaking in that slightly raspy tone that he always got in the morning, "Did you sleep well?"

You nodded, absentmindedly running your fingers over the slight stubble on his face. Rook let you do as you pleased, his eyes not straying a moment away from yours.

The sliver of sunlight coming in through the gap between the curtains framed the soft domestic scene that was your reality. You knew there were things to do, responsibilities of real life that would have you be separated from the arms of your beloved husband soon enough (a crime, truly). But these precious few moments, ones Rook insisted on experiencing every morning, gave you all the energy you would need to complete your daily tasks and come back to your husband's loving embrace each night.

After a few minutes of just staring at each other in content silence, you asked, "What are your plans for today?" Rook sighed, closing his eyes and burrowing in your hair. "I'm taking the twins to visit maman et papa. They've been asking to see them lately."

"Have you told them that they will be here for Christmas?"

"I did, but they were insistent," Rook hummed, fingers making lazy circles on your hip. "Will you be joining us, my dear?"

"I would love to, but there's some things I must get done today. And if you're taking the kids out of the house then I can buy their gifts and hide them."

"Ah."

"Give my regards to mom and dad, hm?"

"Of course mon amour."

You smiled, then made a move to get up.

Rook's hold on you tightened, and he pulled you right back where you started, body flush against him. Laughter left you shaking in his arms slightly. "Rook, we need to get up."

"Must we? Surely a few more minutes with me would not hurt~"

Before you could reply that yes, you two did need to leave the bed, a knock sounded on the door before it was opened, and in ran your two children, the apples of your eyes.

The boy immediately jumped onto your bed, shaking an amused Rook, "Papa! Papa wake up! We gotta go!" The blonde man let out a chuckle, letting go of you to take your son in his arms and tickle him. Peals of laughter left both son and father as they engaged in some play-fighting, Rook making sure not to be too rough with his child.

Your daughter, on the other hand, calmly stood near your side of the bed, looking at you with a sleepy smile. The calmer counterpart to her excitable brother, she gently tapped your arm with her palm. "Morning mama."

You scooped her up in your arms, pressing a kiss to her forehead as you sat her on your lap. "Morning sweetie."

Both of you watched the boys as they played around, messing up the bedsheets in their fun. Your daughter cheered her father on, and the betrayed look your son sent to his twin had you laughing.

What a perfect start to a perfect day, for the perfect family you had made with the love of your life.

Back to Masterlist...

#ice writes #twst writing #twst #twst rook hunt #rook hunt #rook x reader #rook x mc #rook x yuu #merry twstmas event #400 follower event #twisted wonderland

[cleolinda]

Weekend links

My posts

I have been amorphously unwell (migraines, dizziness, aches) this week, which is super great. I am, in fact, daunted by the complexities and unknowns.

See "Personal tag of the week" at the bottom for updates on the Tumblr happenings.

Reblogs of interest

Thousands of Israelis protest in Tel Aviv, demanding a hostage release/ceasefire deal and new elections.

I never know how to segue from a serious news item.

Theseus liveblogs the labyrinth, and it’s heartbreaking.

Before hbomberguy was going after plagiarism, he was playing Donkey Kong for trans rights.

“to touch is to interact, and when you put your hand on your dog the universe does not know that you are separate”

The universe knows you are separate from this cat’s Absolute Terror Field

Cats named Pigeon

The most dramatic cat

Figure out what starts your engine and ride the waves of your brain

This is not van fundamentalism

Lawful good werebears

The Godmother is not committed to the kindness

Escape room employees reveal the worst, or best, things they’ve seen on the job.

“So I explained to him the story of ‘Alice’s Restaurant,’ and he began to get MAD”

It seems that y’all do not understand that the Better Call Saul ads are just how we live in the US, and that I pass five Alexander Shunnarah billboards just to get a quesadilla. 

1) Don’t take your native animals for granted. 2) This jay is the bluebird of happiness, apparently.

Wisdom from a Tumblr longtimer

Benign chain posts: the Money Garf

Video

Every now and then I fall apaaaaaart

Click through for a massive gothic rock playlist on YouTube

It’s a great dance contest entry--but then they tell you it’s also randomly-paired improv

Capybara capybara (capybara)

The sacred texts

You have not seen a sacred internet text until you have seen the Lolrus (2006)

Personal tag of the week

“the happenings” is my tag for all internet platform bullshit. This week, it’s Tumblr, as CEO Matt Mullenweg lost his shit and started harassing a trans user (including on another platform). This is a factual explanation early in the week of what happened and how it started: 

predstrogen (the first blog) was allegedly deleted for “sexually explicit material” despite any posts that may have been labelled as such being marked with a community label and her blog recently being manually approved as NOT containing adult content. she also talks in this post, as well as here, about how she has had a support ticket open for several months for harassment she was receiving that has not been dealt with

the CEO of tumblr made a post wherin he publicly aired information regarding her deletion and threatened legal action against her , showing examples of the alleged death threats where no actual threats were made and telling people in the replies to just leave if they were unhappy with the moderation of the site

Specifically, he was upset by the expressed wish that he perish in a car covered in hammers that would explode multiple times, a serious threat that could surely come to fruition in reality. If you can't tell that I'm being sarcastic, congratulations, you're CEO material.

It spiraled from there, but suffice it to say, it ended with trans employees posting on the Staff account (reblog here with commentaries):

The reality of predstrogen’s suspension was not accurately conveyed, and made it seem like we were reaching for opportunities to ban trans feminine people on the platform. This is not the case. The example comment shared in the post linked above does not meet our definition of a realistic threat of violence, and was not the deciding factor in the account suspension. Matt thereafter failed to recognize the harm to the community as a result of this suspension. Matt does not speak on behalf of the LGBTQ+ people who help run Tumblr or Automattic, and we were not consulted in the construction of a response to these events.

While the post is sincerely emotional and brave, the real chess move is this part:

We appreciate the space we have been given to express our concerns and dissent, and we are thankful that Matt’s (and Automattic’s) strong commitment to freedom of expression has facilitated it. We will continue to fight to make Tumblr safe for us all.

Matt Mullenweg now either has to nod and go, “Yeah, yeah... I’m a great guy committed to freedom...” Or he can, I don’t know, shut the site down in a fit of defiant pique? All I’m going to say about this is that the day all this first went down, I started archiving any posts I’d put significant effort into last year, and I’ll be crossposting them on Dreamwidth and Patreon. I don’t want to lose Tumblr’s culture and unique platform--I mean, I think the Weekend Links themselves make a case for the fact that there is nothing else like Tumblr on the internet. And shutting down is not even necessarily the most likely outcome--but I’m not gonna be caught unprepared, either. 

#weekend links #odds and ends #linkspam #the happenings #tumblr

[lyluvsgyu]

Watching him fade away;

Part 1

Part 2

Genre: smut, angst

Warnings for this chapter: smut, a lot of angst and desperation, dacryphilia, dirty talk (beom calls reader a slut etc..), no protection (don’t do this), Slight breath play, overstimulating, oral(f receiving) , I think thats it!

A/n: hey so, I’m making a part two I hope the few people who saw part 1 will be satisfied with this! ^^ Enjoy!

Reminder: this doesn’t portray the members in real life at all.

"Listen y/n , I'm not sure of what I can say if I'm being honest here... First of all, stop crying, please... I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here with you."

It may seem like a harsh thing to say but he had the sweetest voice possible and the sweetest eyes, you knew he meant no harm in any way. Without releasing the tight grip you had on his shirt, and while your head was still on his chest, which smelled like his usual cologne, you eventually calmed down. Your eyes and face were still humid but no tears were filling them anymore.

"I think I respect you and appreciate you enough to tell you the truth y/n, I don't think I feel the same. I'm sorry if I lead you on, it wasn't my intention. It was all just in the heat of the moment, I didn't think it was serious. I thought not contacting you anymore wouldn't have bothered you. I shouldn't have assumed, sorry". He regretfully said, not letting himself feel for you, scared of everything going wrong. Beomgyu didn’t want to keep things casual, in fact he ached to know you more.

Sadly this was his reality, and couldn’t bring himself to let you in his heart, giving you the opportunity to break it. It was a defense mechanism and he couldn’t go against it.

His heart throbbed in pain the whole night seeing you break down like this, but he couldn’t help it. He felt it was best to protect himself and , at the same time, protect you from his doubts and real feelings.

Of course you knew none of that.

You definitely saw his response coming but it didn't make it any less painful to hear. he didn't want you back, this is, has always been, and will always be unrequited love. He was all too good for you, adorable, fun, intelligent, handsome, and good in bed. A girl like you could never interest him, you were selfish unhappy, and insecure. Even though he somehow changed you, you still remained the same deep inside, someone unlovable even for Beomgyu.

Without a warning tears came again, this time it was desperation that filled your whole self, disgust, and pity. You didn't quite whine and hiccup, like earlier, you cried to yourself, feeling ashamed. Your grip became loose and Beomgyu didn't move, patting your head while hugging you tight.

You truly didn't deserve any of him. You hated that he was still so kind to you? you couldn't even hate him. At this point the only person you could possibly hate is yourself.

"It's, it's fine you can.. let me go now" You said this with bitterness in your mouth, not wanting to ever leave his embrace.

"But can you grant me one last wish before I leave? I promise I'll never bother you after this."

"I, uh, I mean sure y/n, but-", his sentence was cut short, you shushed him softly, you knew he was going to say how he doesn't mind seeing you again, but for you, it was a bad idea, you were just going to fall deeper for him.

"I know what you want to say Beomgyu, but this will be the last time we will purposefully be seeing each other, I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I hope you get it"

"I do"

"Then could you please make this last meeting the best we've ever had?"

You weren't sure about this but it was definitely worth a try. He chuckled lowly and said "You're really a slut, aren't you? All you can think is about my dick? Pathetic, and here I thought this was serious."

The shame you felt was overcome by the sheer excitement you felt, if this was going to be the last, then at least make it worth it.

Beomgyu went on to lift you up, princess style, not saying anything. You looked up , into his lust filled eyes through your eyelashes. When you arrived at his bedroom, you didn’t even get the time to look around and grasp the new surroundings, as he harshly put his lips against yours.

He was on top of you for a few seconds , but then flipped you around to sit on him, more precisely on his crotch. You gasped at the feeling of his semi hard dick against your hot cunt.

“Tell me exactly what you want from me”

He said harshly, while rocking his hips into yours, you were already softly whimpering at the friction, unable to control yourself you roll your hips to match his pace as you throw your head back and hold his shoulders for support.

“I think I asked a question, didn’t I? Answer me now you desperate slut”

You moaned at the way he was treating you and answer in a whisper that he still heard

“I want you.. Please make me feel good , fill me up, please”

You practically begged him. Seeing you so desperate for his cock made beomgyu twitch in his pants, wanting to absolutely wreck you and make a mess of you. He wants to see you cry and beg endlessly.

He smiled a bit before going back to your lips, easing his tongue into your mouth. You were sloppily making out, while hips rocked against yours and his hand grabbed at your ass. You let some moans escape your lips. You wanted more. And it’s like he read your mind because he easily flipped you over, took your little dress off from you, and stared at you, with what seemed for a split second affection.

You didn’t have time to think much about it because as soon as the dress was tossed somewhere on the floor, he immediately went down toward your awaiting and dripping pussy. He swiftly teased you with his fingers, sliding them softly along your slit and your clit on top of the white fabric. He formed circles with his middle finger around your clit, and a wet patch was starting to form on your panties. He then licked up your pussy, with his tongue flat, making you whimper. This went on for a little, he endlessly teased you and licked you through your lace underwear. You couldn’t bear it anymore, your eyes were watering with frustration and you said

“Beomgyu stop teasing me..! Please… I want you in me”

He smiled, removing your panties harshly, almost ripping them off. And within a second he was eating you out like he never did. You immediately went to grab his hair and moaned as he licked at your clit. It was very wet, and he introduced two fingers into you. He switched from flat licks to sucking on your clit to stimulating it extremely fastly all while pumping his fingers in and out of you.

You were a moaning mess, calling out his name and grasping his hair to pull him closer. The stimulation was so good that you started closing your legs on him, not being able to handle it. But with his free hand, he pulled your legs apart, and mumbled on your pussy something along the lines of “stop moving”.

You were getting closer and closer, moans getting louder and his name coming out more and more. With him touching you how he knew you loved. And he could feel you clenching around his fingers and grabbing harder at his hair. It was his sign to halt. He sucked at your clit one last time and got up from between your legs. You were shocked and your eyes were wide. Not understanding why he stopped as you were so close, you were so frustrated you felt your eyes water once again.

Which was exactly what he wanted.

He grinned seeing you cry out of frustration, seeing how good he made you feel and how you already looked fucked out with your messy hair, swollen lips, and mascara running down your cheeks. He couldn’t resist the urge and kissed you. He grabbed your neck harshly with one hand, choking you slightly while the other hand unclasped your bra to feel up your boobs. You lean into the kiss and the slight shortcoming of air made you even more hungry for him.

“Get on all fours for me whore”

It was unexpected but you didn’t fail to obey. Going on all fours, exposing yourself fully to him. You arched your back and awaited his touch. Then you felt a harsh slap to your ass. You moaned out in pain and pleasure.

“You obey me so well hm? Good girl. I see you even arched your back for me? Are you that excited?”

You didn’t answer, mind all too fuzzy to even know what to say. Then a second slap to your ass came.

“Didn’t I tell you, when I ask you a question you answer, and here I thought you were good for me. You fucking whore. Are you so impatient for my dick that you can’t even think?”

He scoffed, and you answered before he could slap you again.

“m’ sorry… m’ so excited.. want you so bad gyu please I need you”

He felt himself get as hard as a rock at the nickname and the begging while tears rolled down your cheeks. He himself was getting worked up.

He removed his pants and his boxers, and his shirt. While you were still on all fours for him.

“Are you ready doll?”

The sudden nickname made you melt as you hummed a yes in response. He didn’t wait much longer before he spat on his dick and pumped himself a few times. You were already dripping so there was no need for more lube. He slowly eased himself into you as you moaned loudly “beomgyu ah… oh my god so big!”. He felt proud and eventually bottomed out, moaning at the feeling. “You like it huh? My dick fills you up so well. I’m the only one who can make you feel like this understood slut?”, you didn’t even think about the true meaning of this sentence and whimpered while saying loads of yes.

He slowly started to fuck you, grabbing at your waist. Then he suddenly fastened the pace and fucked harshly into you, slapping your ass with force. You moaned at every move he made, not being able to think at all. Calling out his name, as the only thing you could remember right now. Beomgyu is all that filled your mind. “Ah.. so good for me, so tight and wet” beomgyu let out. He then grabbed a fistful of your hair to pull your head back so he could kiss you. It was passionate and filthy, spit coating your lips and around it. He swallowed all your moans like it was the sweetest drink ever. Then he went on to mark you up, leaving hickeys down your neck and back, bite marks as well. He leaned forward and grabbed your boobs, flicking and twisting your nipples and his pace never faltered. He kept slamming into you with no mercy. You were a screaming mess, crying overwhelmed with pleasure and stimulation, you couldn’t even stand with your arms. Beomgyu noticed this and flipped you around, never getting fully out of your dripping pussy, filled with a mix of his precum, spit, and your juices. He got on top of you, putting your legs around his waist as he continues his pace. You hook your arms around his back, scratching him without even noticing. Both of your moans fill the room and you feel yourself getting closer to the edge. At this point, your makeup is long gone and you can’t stop crying while screaming his name. You manage to babble out “m’coming!!”. Before he slams harshly into you and rubs at your clit, he says “come for me doll”, he pushes you over the edge and you feel yourself exploding on him, completely dick drunk, melting by his touch. And needless to say, he loves it, he wrecked you and you feel so good coming around his hard length. He continues ramming into you chasing his own release. You feel extremely overstimulated and feel a second orgasm washing over you as you can’t even say anything, just cry his name out. And he comes into you as you come for the second time. He rides out both of your orgasms by slowing his pace and kissing you softly. Weirdly enough, you immediately doze off to sleep, maybe passing out from exhaustion.

You hear background ruffling and you open your eyes, it’s still night time but you’re clothed in an unknown shirt. You see him picking out a jogging and walking towards what seems to be a shower. You want to reach your hand out to him but you’re too tired. He enters the shower and closes the door behind him. Without noticing you. You feel clean down there but still sticky. You want to take a shower as well. But truthfully you don’t want to go further than sex. Going in the shower with him seems like disregarding his feelings for you. But you can’t help yourself. You’re selfish and you know it.

You knock at the door and call his name lowly. You hear the water stop, and him saying “yeah? You can enter the room y/n I don’t think I have anything to hide”, he chuckles and you do too. For a second you feel a connection with him, you feel like this is intimate and that you’re special. You quickly discard that thought tho.

You walk in and see him rubbing soap on himself. He explains that you passed out after it so he cleaned you up with a damp towel and put you in one of his shirts. You slept for a good while as he had the time to pick up your clothes and put them in the washer before wanting to shower.

You find yourself smiling at the action.

But you know it’s over now.

You know that the marks on your body will eventually fade and the ones on his back as well.

So you decide to rip off the bandage and move on with your life.

“Thank you beomgyu, for everything truly. I enjoyed every moment I spent with you, from the sex to the split moment where I got to know you. Thank you for making me feel special even just a tad bit. I won’t be mad at you because you don’t like me back. I understand. I hope you find someone that makes you as happy as you made me, you truly deserve it.” you laughed a bit before continuing “I’ll be stealing one of your pants, but don’t worry I’ll give it back to you, you can give me back my underwear as well then. Thank you so much for tonight. Goodbye".

With that, you turn your back to him, as you try to move your legs to leave, and you're not sure if it's because you're exhausted or because you really don't want to leave; perhaps a mix of both. But you can't make the move. Tears well up in your eyes and a lump grows again in your throat. You try your best to keep it in until you muster up the strength to leave. And as you make a step towards the door, you feel a wet hand grabbing yours.

You shockingly turn your head to look behind you, only to be met with an equally as sad and confused beomgyu.

You stare at him as tears flow down your cheeks and his, you don't get it and neither does he, but eventually, he lets go of you. And you understand that he took the step and him letting go of you meant that it was officially done. You turn around to the door once again, and you start to leave. As you walk out the door, you think you hear a whisper of beomgyu saying "sorry..i'm sorry"

You don't try to get why he is sorry and simply leave. You get it, it's over.

You walk out of his house, and the next day, it's like nothing ever happened. He still lingers your thoughts when it's especially cold outside, but that's it. The only time you'll ever meet again will be to get your stuff back. But will that day ever come?

It's been about 1 week and a half, and you think to yourself that the day will never come. So, you simply put his stuff on a shelf in your apartment, a small sign that you're still awaiting his call that may never come.

Beomgyu is lost deep in thought and tries to let go of you, he wants to forget it all. He knows you mean no wrong, but he's still scared. You never leave his mind, but he's never going to call.

You're now both unknowingly waiting for a love that will never occur. All you can do is watch the other from afar wondering how their loving embrace would feel like.

Not everything ends up like you wish.

#beomgyu smut #beomgyu x reader #choi beomgyu smut #txt hard hours #txt x reader #beomgyu #angst #txt angst #beomgyu angst #no comfort #txt smut #smut #love

[brumeraven]

🍂: Interview with a Boundless Candidate || dolls, boundless, creativity, transformations, saints, cute?, sorry to the confused

"Please state your name for the record."

"..."

"Nothing?"

"names are...well, they can't be self-assigned."

"Good catch. Sorry about the trick question, but you understand why we have to make you jump through all these hoops."

"it's fine."

"How long have you lived as a doll?"

"my whole life. or, well, maybe that's just how i've been treated."

"How you've been treated?"

"sorry, how this one has been treated."

"So the whole world treats you like a doll?"

"more or less, this one supposes."

"But how long has it been since you decided to just accept it? To stop fighting back and just give up your personhood?"

"it did not make the decision; this is...it's just the way it is. the way it's always been."

"Mm, fair. Dolls don't choose."

"dolls don't choose."

"And you believe that you'll be happier as a doll?"

"i...it has never really...understood the concept of happiness."

"You're unhappy being treated this way?"

"this one has never seen happiness as attainable."

"But you need this to feel comfortable?"

"no, not really."

"Then what exactly do you expect to get out of this?"

"congruence. alignment of expectations and reality."

"My point is, what do YOU want out of this? You, not the people around you."

"...this one does not want anything."

"Rather not say?"

"no."

"Well, let me take a stab at it. You just want to feel wanted. Want to be given worth, want to be a valued pet, a cherished possession, because you can't find any self-worth, so you need extrinsic reassurance your life has purpose and meaning."

"..."

"You're afraid of responsibility. Afraid of agency. Afraid of fucking up your own life any more than you already have. You'd rather a Witch, or even a human, fuck it up for you. At least it wouldn't be your fault, then; at least you could pretend you're worth shit."

"..."

"Well let me tell you something, kiddo; those are bad fucking reasons to throw away your humanity. Because, hate to break it to you, but you aren't worth shit just because someone likes you."

"it's not like that. not for this one."

"No? Then why don't you tell me what it is, hm?"

"it's just...well, efficient."

"Efficient?"

"i can't stand it. this one cannot stand it. it wastes so much time worrying about what to do, what not to do, prioritizing and tracking and deciding."

"You're looking for...what exactly?"

"this one has value; it is certain of it. it is capable of great things and has several useful skills. time management is not one of them. it's greatest fear is that it will waste its entire existence shaving yaks."

"Shaving...yaks?"

"it simply wishes to be able to work without the cruft of life getting in the way. without wasting its time worrying about what it should be doing at any given time."

"...So you want a manager, not a master."

"this one wants a scrum master."

"..."

Interviewer Comments: NOT THE WORST REASON I'VE HEARD

Verdict: ACCEPTED

~🍂

#empty spaces #microfiction #fiction #dollposting #dolls #boundless #creativity #transformations #saints #cute? #sorry to the confused

[stoopid-turtle]

moar made-up thoughts about dd's thoughts

Some of the replies on my previous post left me re-evaluating, and I don't know that I was incredibly effective at what I meant to communicate (honestly, that is really frustrating for me). So I just want to clarify and maybe add some context.

I assume it goes without saying that everybody in turtleland adores dd and gg and that we think dd is a sweetie-pie (I can't conceive of being a turtle without that belief). And as a group, dd and gg's sweet moments get highlighted a lot, which I adore. These posts I have on dd are more about stuff I don't see discussed quite as much and they're not meant to encapsulate all that dd is because, wow that's a lot. For the previous post, I'd been thinking a lot about dd's mentality and how he approaches things, as seen in SDC, because his captaining style seems really distinct in a way I wanted to dig into.

Honestly, we've known dd for years at this point, and he's grown and changed throughout that time. He's been influenced by gg and by other friends and mentors. And like most people, how he acts is variable and dependent on context. 

I do think dd was sometimes thoughtless when younger, but I don't think that's anything out of the ordinary for his age at the time, and I think he's grown out of it. In any case, it was never mean-spirited. Still, I think the way he expresses his feelings is pretty reserved and that he's not incredibly prone to sentimental gestures, like the gifts he sent Yang Kai. I think he can be thoughtful in that he's responsive when people indicate what they want, but I don't think he's the type to think up a gift idea on his own. Given that Yang Kai actually knows the guy and said as such, I don't think it's too far off-base to say that. I honestly think he probably gets help from gg with that sort of stuff, and he's likely to have gotten better at it as a result. But dd has never struck me as a sentimental guy.

(though with the captain gifts, I have no idea the logistics of how those worked, and I suspect, like most things on reality shows, that production assistants helped with suggestions and such)

I think he's a fantastic captain! I don't think I said that, because it's one of those things I assume goes without saying, especially as it's often said as such in turtledom. I think even back to Produce 101 when he was mentoring the young girls who were fawning over him. He did the cutesy dance with them to support them, even though he hates being cutesy (and bless him for it. That dance is a gift (and led to cute bts moments of gg poking fun at dd)). He's passionate about dance and he's passionate about helping other people improve (and learning from others). Dancers want to join his team because of that passion, and because dd just has a natural talent for it that is incredibly inspiring.

But he does like winning. He explicitly said as much himself. And that one episode I highlighted where his team lost is pretty tense. The rehearsals were tense, the performance was tense, dd's response to everything was tense. During one round, his team only gets 4 votes compared to, like 40 for the other team. I can't recall the score ever being so lopsided, especially when the losing team is full of top-tier dancers.

And dd's behavior then is incredibly relatable to me. He laughs about it, joking about how he only got 4 votes. But it's the laugh you get when you're really unhappy and kinda embarrassed but trying to keep a good, positive face on things (or at least, that's a strategy I have for those moments, and given dd's switch to serious-times when he's doing the team debrief, I think he's somewhat similar). 

And dd recovers well. He has a debrief with his team. He talks to Han Geng about what his team is lacking (they specifically talk about his team performance not being thematic like the others) and realizes they need a choreographer to pull everything together and give them direction. And the very first round of recruitment, he gets a choreographer for them. 

I don't think dd only likes winning. The reference to "not here to make friends" thing was a bit of rhetorical exaggeration for fun. Like I noted, he makes friends. He learns a lot and he mentors a lot, and that's definitely a big part of the draw for SDC for him. And while dd never intentionally cultivates a family atmosphere (as opposed to the other captains who explicitly tell their team that they're like a family), they come together like a family anyway. But he still likes winning, and I think he has trouble enjoying everything else as much if he's not winning. 

It's not a bad thing to be competitive like that (I once got into a fight with my wife because I kept losing in thumb wars against her. I personally know when competitiveness becomes stupid). DD has a passionate drive to succeed. This is how he's managed to excel at basically everything he tries (except cooking). I think way back to the auditions in SDC 3, when dd impresses his group by being savvy about street dance gestures (like the plagiarism gesture) and by knowing how to appeal to dancers (by having them warm up with some freestyling). He quickly overcomes any doubts the dancers have based on his idol background by being genuine, sincere, and passionate and that's why people want to join his team.

 *rereads all this* Hmmmm...feedback and replies are good. This is a better post.

Also, this judge is the one who always says nice things about dd. He's said at one point that dd has an extraordinary natural talent for dance even among professional dancers. He's right and he should say it. Best judge. A+ I hope they keep bringing him on.

#bjyx #yizhan #in this house we use a lot of words #the first photo i put in this tumblr and it's some random white dude wtf me #dd would def roll his eyes at alla this #still an honor

[vampirae]

From my experience modality are really important and you can see strong differences and similarities between signs and placements. For example;

Cardinal moons that has an "unhappy" relationship with their mother, they tend to endure and have a lot of patience and comprehension, the type to go through so many (traumatic) shit only for their mothers yet they have a limit..and once you break it, there's no return point. The type to "still care" usually through help or concern about their mothers (giving money when needed, medicines or taking care in some way) but respectfully and dutifully, because at maximum all they can feel for their mothers it's the duty/responsibility to take care of her but there's an emotional wall between them and their mothers and nothing will change it, no matter how much they want or need a mother.

Fixed moons on the contrary tend to cling on their mothers love or presence, in a way or another they cling to her, they can't accept the insufferable reality of rejection. They may tend to have a still acceptable and "warm" relationship with their mother even at their expenses or even if it's fake or superficial. Truly heartbreaking to see this pathetic play going on and on for decades until the last farewell.

Mutable moons you chaotic bitches. Sometimes your mother it's the only fool on this earth that understands your soul sometimes it's the pain in the ass in your life. Can't decide what's going on with you and your relationship it's so extreme and neither cycling. You're kinda proudish and stubborn in your idiocy. I think you need your mother more than what you like to think. But you usually tend to be a diligent child or at least you try to hide all the shit you're doing.

#personal #astrology observations #cardinal moon #fixed moon #mutable moon #aries moon #taurus moon #gemini moon #cancer moon #leo moon #virgo moon #libra moon #scorpio moon #sagittarius moon #capricorn moon #aquariua moon #pisces moon #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #moon

[broken-glowsticks]

What Once was Mine

Chapter 7 - He who Loves Her

Genre: Childhood friends, Eventual Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Love corner/love triangle, love rivals, Series. Not all chapters will be proofread!!

Warnings: 18+, mdni, mentions of sex and alcohol consumption, additional warnings will be added to individual chapters as needed.

Additional tags: slight angst

Previous • Main • Next

As much as he tried to hide it, Hyunjin was more than unhappy that you were leaving him earlier than he anticipated. Normally, he would just be pouty but ultimately understanding that you had to leave, but the sheer fact that you were leaving to go see Seo Changbin of all people was enough to fill him with undiluted irritation. Not that he would ever let you know that.

“Are you sure you have to go, Beautiful?” Hyunjin whined, resting his chin on your shoulder.

“You ask me that every time,” you chuckled, shoving your clothes into your duffle. “You had me all last night and all this morning, it's time for me to return to reality, you big ol’ whiney baby,” you playfully scolded, running a hand through his hair and kissing his temple. He groaned in response, flopping face-first into the bed.

“When will you just stay with me forever?” Hyunjin mumbled into the plush sheets, more to himself than anything else.

“What was that, you pouty drama queen?”

“Nothing.” Hyunjin gripped, pushing himself off the bed to follow you to the door. “Call me when you get there, okay?”

“Yes sir,” you giggled, wrapping your arms around his middle and pulling him for a tight hug, one he reciprocated enthusiastically.

Idly, Hyunjin thought about tipping your chin up to stare longingly into your eyes to show you how desperate he was for you to stay. To smother you in sweet and passionate kisses before you went. About caressing you gently until you couldn't help but melt into him and think about nothing but his touch. About how he wanted to do absolutely anything to make you forget this other guy and stay with him. But he didn't do any of that, instead he simply sent you off with a smile, asking you to come see him again as soon as you could. He would soon come to regret not acting on his impulse that day.

○●☆♡☆●○

It was barely two in the afternoon when you arrived to Changbins apartment. You felt a weird mix of guilt and anxiety as you parked, feelings stemming from the fact that you came here directly from Hyunjins. Part of you debated over calling the whole date off, but a knock at your window startled you so severely that the thought flung itself from your mind. Looking out of your window you were pleasantly surprised to see Changbin leaning against your car.

“What are you doing out here?” You asked him once you opened your door.

“I happened to be getting home from work when I noticed you pull in. I thought I'd give you a little scare and come say hi,” Changbin said with a sly grin, closing your car door for you.

“Well, congratulations, you got what you wanted. You nearly gave me a heart attack,” you pouted, hugging yourself.

“Awe, I'm sorry Y/N, what can I do to make it up to you?” He asked lightheartedly, resting an arm against the roof of your car, his face coming in close to yours. You felt a giddy thrill run through you as Changbin slightly caged you in against your car.

“Well… you did promise me a date. That's why I'm here, isn't it? You're forgiven as long as I have a good time.” You said coyly, refusing to meet his eyes. You could feel his chuckle rumbling in his chest with how close he was to you.

“Fair enough, Princess,” He murmured against your ear, causing shivers to run down your spine. “Well then, we should get going then. I just hope my plans are good enough,” he said, taking your hand in his and leading you to his apartment.

“You have plans? I thought you just got home.”

“I may or may not be completely lying and have no plan whatsoever,” Changbin admitted with a laugh, all his confident swagger suddenly replaced with bashfulness. “But I hope I can impress you anyway.”

You couldn't help but melt a bit at Changbins words.

“I'm sure whatever you come up with will be great,” you reassured, giving his hand a tight squeeze.

Changbin felt his heart flip flop, this was progress right? You explicitly called this a date, you reciprocate his flirting, and even that little squeeze… He had to remember that you weren't his girlfriend yet, but that was hard to do when you were already acting like you were. Or maybe that was just his imagination running away with him.

“Well, first things first, I need a shower. Maybe some food after? Would you like to go out or stay in?”

“Hmmm, let's go out,” you say with a grin, you had stayed in for your last two meals, you'd like something different. You suddenly felt that odd mix of guilt and anxiety blossom in your center again, were you going to feel this way every time you even thought about Hyunjin today?

You bit your lip, trying to keep yourself from overthinking this, but it didn't do you much good. What was wrong with you? It's not like you've received any kind of explicit confirmation from Changbin that he’s after a serious relationship, hell, this is only your first date after all. You shouldn't be feeling so guilty for having sex with someone else when you're not dating the guy, you're perfectly within your rights to sleep with whomever you want until you are 100% sure that he wants something official and exclusive. You knew all of this, but you still couldn't help but feel a sense of shame every time Hyunjin came to mind.

Once you two entered Changbins apartment he urged you to make yourself comfortable, offering you a drink and the use of his large TV in the living room while he went to wash up.

“If you're feeling tired from the drive, you can even take a nap in my bed. Wouldn't be the first time you slept there,” His words caused you to flush at the sudden reminder of the morning after karaoke. It had been about, what, two months since that day? Maybe longer? It felt like it was only yesterday.

“And maybe you can finally give me my clothes back?”

“Maybe I like keeping your clothes hostage?”

“Maybe I might have to steal more of yours then.” Changbins eyes darkened at your words, a smirk playing on his lips, you knew a look like this well. You weren't aware that sweet, soft Changbin could make such a look. It gave you goosebumps.

“Maybe I was hoping for that. After all, I think you look hot in my clothes, Princess,” he said, his voice a rumble.

He didn't leave you any time to reply, leaving to shower. You sat on his couch, stunned by the interaction that just happened. It was different from when you two kissed in your bed, that night you two were both spurred on by darkness, proximity and alcohol. This time it was daylight out and both of you were entirely sober.

You shook your head, once again trying to keep yourself from overthinking and also trying to keep your mind out of the gutter. You reminded yourself once again, this was only your first date with him. Turning on the TV you tried to pick out something that would keep your attention, eventually settling on continuing a drama you had found with Jisung. He'd be pissed you watched ahead without him, but it was an emergency.

By the time Changbin came out of the bathroom, washed and changed, you had calmed down and were fully invested in your drama. Changbin adored seeing you wrapped in the blanket he usually left on the couch. You had drawn your knees to your chest, pillow secured tightly in your arms as your eyes remained glued to the TV.

“Should we stay in instead?”

You jumped at the sound of his voice, causing him to laugh. You fumbled for the remote, pausing your drama and standing abruptly.

“No, no, no. You took the time to get ready. We should go out.”

“I dressed up for you, Princess,” he stated bluntly. “As long as you like what you see, nothing else matters.”

“O-oh, I… I see,” you stuttered, blushing as you found your eyes wandering in directions he wasn't. “Well… we can stay in then, I guess.” You felt like a child the way the volume of your voice dwindled.

“I'll order some take out then, Chinese?”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Great, continue your show while I order,” he said simply, pulling out his phone as you resumed your spot on the couch. You thought you were going to have a moment to collect yourself, but Changbin gave you no such respite, plopping down directly next to you.

“In the mood for anything specifically?” He asked innocently, but all you were able to focus on was the press of his arm against yours and the smell of his cologne.

“Uhm, beef and broccoli?”

“Not an orange chicken girl?” He said as he selected items from the online menu, slinging his arm behind your head to rest on the back of the couch.

“I like it, but it tastes different at every place. I'm not always in the mood for flavor roulette.” You were suddenly so aware of his every movement.

“Fair enough,” he said, wrapping up the order. “Alright, there we go, all ordered.” You smiled shyly, watching him set his phone aside and place all his attention squarely on you.

“I assume we'll go get it together when it's ready?”

“You assume correctly, Princess,” Changbin replied, dropping his arm from the couch to wrap it around you, pulling you close. “Now, what are we watching?”

○●☆♡☆●○

Dinner was delicious and while you refused to continue the drama with Changbin, for fear that Jisung would be extra upset that you not only watched ahead and but also watched it with someone else, you had found a funny movie that you and Changbin both enjoyed.

It was dark out now. All the food was eaten, Changbin had wrapped you both in a large, fluffy blanket, and you two were snuggled together on the couch, halfway through the ‘To All The Boys I've Loved Before’ trilogy on Netflix. You felt so comfortable being pressed against him, his arms around you, your head on his chest as you two watched Netflix together. It was sweet. It was intimate, and it was something you wanted more of. And it was at that moment when you suddenly hoped Changbin was aiming for more with you. That he was wanting more of you, too.

You have had nights like these with Hyunjin, nights where he held you against his chest and played with your hair as you watched something together. Those nights were always nice. You always loved them, but they were always missing something. You were always aware that no matter how much Hyunjin doted on you, no matter how much he spoiled you or told you he loved you, you always knew he was never in love with you. His kisses weren't the kisses a boyfriend would give his girlfriend. You knew this.

Your mind shot back to a night Hyunjin had dragged you out to his favorite club a year after graduation. He loved it because not only did it have good food and great drinks, but because it had the best selection of girls.

“I've seen plenty of guys here too, give it a chance. You might meet someone you like,” he had told you. He didn't want to pressure you, he just wanted you to have fun, let loose a bit and maybe see where things could go with a hot stranger.

You weren't all for it, but you knew Hyunjin meant well, so you tried to play along. But it wasn't until after the third drunk guy tried to flirt with you that you decided then and there some hook up wasn't worth it. At least not one that came from a club. You had looked over to see Hyunjin making out with some girl and while you were sure at the time that what you were feeling wasn't jealousy, you didn't know exactly what to call it either.

You had decided to call it a night, let Hyunjin have his fun while you went home or maybe even go bug Jisung. But upon noticing you obviously weren't having a good time, Hyunjin ditched the girl and took you back to his place instead. It was there where you had told Hyunjin you wouldn't mind if he slept with others but that you just couldn’t do it. You felt a little silly saying that only the possibility of a boyfriend would make you end your sexual relationship with Hyunjin, but he had assured you it wasn't silly. That it wasn't silly to want more, to want love.

You had then decided to ask him the big question, then and there.

“Would you ever consider dating anybody, Hyunjinnie?” You didn’t expect his answer to crush you so much.

“Never.”

In all the ways you loved Hyunjin, he would only ever love you as a friend. You had known this practically since the start of your “with benefits” part of your “friends with benefits” relationship started, but it wasn't until you realized you had developed feelings for someone else that you realized that a part of you was still hoping. Hoping that one day Hyunjin would wake up and suddenly see you as more, so much more, than just a friend. But he never would, he told you himself, and you were tired of waiting, of pretending to be something you're not, of wasting your time when there was someone else right there who you could possibly move forward with. Depending, of course, if that was what Changbin wanted. You could only hope he did.

Your phone buzzing in your pocket caught your attention. When you pulled it out your heart tightened at the sight of Hyunjins contact. It was odd, normally you'd be so happy to hear from him.

“Is everything ok?” Changbin tried to keep his voice level, but it was hard to tamp down his irritation when he could clearly see who was calling you.

“I can call him back later, I'm comfortable here,” you replied honestly, silencing the call and letting Hyunjin go to voicemail. Changbin tried to keep the smug feeling of triumph from showing on his face as you settled back against his chest.

The two of you were just starting to get back into the movie when your phone started going off again. It was Hyunjin. That's when it hit you.

“Oh, shit. I know why he's calling,” you sat up, “I told him I would let him know I got here safe. He's probably worried.” You looked over to Changbin, your mouth open, ready to apologize when it died on your lips.

“Hold on, let me just text him real quick,” you said instead, surprising Changbin who had been expecting you to excuse yourself so you could call Hyunjin back. “I'm sorry about that,” you said gently, tossing your phone onto the nearby coffee table and crawling into Changbins welcoming arms again, he couldn't help but notice how you immediately got a reply text from Hyunjin, one you ignored.

“It's okay, Princess,” Changbin reassured, a feeling of warmth and importance surging throughout him as he held you tightly. “Let's just finish our movies.”

○●☆♡☆●○

It was late by the time you and Changbin decided to call it a night. Changbin heavily debated over asking you to stay over - still riding his emotional high from you prioritizing your date earlier - but ultimately decided against it, opting instead to walk you down to your car.

It was cold outside, Changbin gave you one of his jackets to wear, and his hand was doing wonders in keeping yours warm. Your brain felt fuzzy. Your revelation of your feelings for Changbin and your surrender of your repressed feelings for Hyunjin was making you dizzy, and you didn't know how to go about handling things.

You knew you had to stop sleeping with Hyunjin, that was a given regardless of how much it would hurt to break things off. If you were honest though, what you were truly mulling over was if you should risk confessing your feelings to Changbin when you don't exactly know what his intentions were with you. Were you taking the coward's way out by waiting? What if Changbin rejected you, only wanting sex or something noncommittal, then what? Would you drown your sorrows in Hyunjin and make yourself further attached to someone who also doesn't want to commit to you?

Another phone call from Hyunjins pulled you from your thoughts, stopping you just short of your car. You were going to answer, your finger poised over the answer button. You had just wanted to let him know he was being a little suffocating tonight, but Changbins exasperated sigh and release of your hand made any thoughts of Hyunjin vanish.

“Binnie? Is everything okay?”

“Always in the way…” Was all he said, his voice an agitated murmur.

“Bin?”

Before you could say anything else Changbin turned towards you so abruptly that you stumbled against your car. Grabbing you by the shoulder, Changbin leaned over you, now purposefully pinning you to your car as opposed to how he playfully did so earlier that afternoon.

“Y/N, I'm sorry, I was going to give us more time, but I'm done waiting.”

“Wha-what are you talking about Changbin?” You asked softly. “What are you doi-?

“I like you.” Your throat went dry, silencing you and allowing Changbin to continue.

“This isn't how I planned on ever telling this to you, but when I said I was willing to wait, I meant I was willing to wait for you to notice me. To see that I’m right here, willing to be everything for you. But I can't wait anymore, I'm tired of it.” Changbins hands clenched around your arms as he spoke, his voice sounding raw and desperate.

It wasn't until you made a small noise of discomfort that he dropped his hands, pulling away from you completely and taking several steps back, looking at you with pained eyes. The two of you stood there in cold and silence, both unable to speak. You don't know how long it's been when Changbin decides to take a tentative step towards you, then another. Closing the gap, he reaches out for you again, this time taking your face in his hands. His touch shot sparks through your body, and you close your eyes, relishing in the sensation. You wanted him to kiss you. He wanted to kiss you, and he almost did. You could feel his hot puffs of breath fanning your face, his lips ghosting over yours, but he doesn't kiss you. He instead buries his face into your shoulder, hugging your body so tightly against him you fear you might suffocate.

“I want to kiss you, I can't tell you how badly I want to kiss you, to make you mine. But I can't, not with that damn Hwang Hyunjin in the way.”

“Wait, what do you mean?” You ask vaguely, but he doesn't hear you. Not that it matters, he wouldn't have understood what you were asking for anyway.

After pressing you against him for a moment Changbin once again holds you at arms length, his grip much gentler on your shoulders.

“Y/N, When he's not in the way, then I'll kiss you and make you mine. I promise when that happens that I'll be a good boyfriend and take you on a real date after,” he tried to say with a smile, but the heartbreak was palpable on his face.

You tried to stop him, to tell him to wait a moment, you tried to get a word in edgewise, but he wouldn't budge. Before you knew it Changbin was kissing your forehead and pushing you gently into your car before making his way back into his apartment.

---------------------------------------

A/N: Oof, leaving you with some slight angst there at the end. What will poor Y/N do????

Taglist: @groovygroovyhyunjin @hhwangsmoon @luvyblossom @doggezz

#changbin x reader #han jisung #hwang hyunjin x reader #hyunjin x reader #seo changbin x reader #skz stay #slow burn #stray kids fanfic #love triangle #love corner #slight angst #jealousy #pining #unrequited feelings #the main couple is in love but they dont see it #the other guy #stray kids x reader #what once was mine #Glows ✨️ Fics #eventual established relationship #established relationship

[into-crazy]

Derry’s Secret Pt. 1

Pennywise x Female Reader series

Important !! For all my Joker followers !! If you do not wish to come across any of my or reblogged Pennywise content, then please feel free to block the 'penny posted' tag. Thank you♡

This first part of this series will involve a child since we're dealing with a child eating clown, and they are only interactions. The setting takes place in Derry in the year of 2016 and so forth. I've written this from a young woman’s perspective as I’m in my early twenties, so I wrote it accordingly. Though you’re more than welcome to perceive it as your own age and such.

Warnings- mature language, violence, Pennywise attacks a child, dark themes, ages 18+

Future parts can be found RIGHT HERE and through the "Derry's Secret" tag🎈

You have lived in Derry for a little over 6 months. Which was enough time for you to get settled into your current home and job. You also didn't have to worry about being completely alone- as your good friend, Gabby, had already resided here a few months prior to your move. She was the one that persuaded you to move here, since she knew you needed a change in your life. And with a small town like Derry, it was perfect. It's got a timeless feel to it, the weather is usually nice, and it's secluded from the rest of the buzzing world. Though despite the town's bad reputation, you've never seemed to have any issues or problems.

Seated in a local café, you're having a drink with your friend and her boyfriend Brian. Mind drifting deep into various thoughts as you stare down at your beverage. Starting to wonder how your life has changed since you've been here.

"Y/n!" Gabby's voice breaks through your subconscious mind. "Hey, you good?" She waves her hand in front of your face from across the table.

"Huh.. " You blink back into reality. "Oh yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about how stressful it's been at the call center lately." You lightly groan as you rub the right side of your temple.

She laughs. "I could see that. You were really staring down hard there."

"Yeah, I've had a lot of calls this week. And the majority of them involved unhappy customers that weren't very pleasant. It's a little overwhelming, but nothing I couldn't handle."

She shrugs, "it was a tough week. But hey, you got through it. Try not to stress about it too much."

Truth be told you were pretty much used to the busy work time. Working as a customer service representative for a credit card company, it was always teeming with phone calls. Often times with many of these calls you have to deal with rude customers. Luckily the work itself wasn't hard enough to have much of an impact. The work's pretty simple and the pay is good, so there isn't much more for you to complain about.

"I know. Luckily I've got you, and my nice little replenishment right here." You joke taking a sip of your drink.

"Amen to that, uh!" Brian chimes in, kissing his girlfriend on the cheek.

She playfully shoves him away. "Yeah, yeah," she continues, "so hey, about that place you're renting.."

You steadily raise a brow, already knowing where this conversation is heading.

"Oh come on!" She pleads. "You're still welcome to move in with me if you'd like. My place is very spacious and you would pay less rent. Think about all the stuff you could buy with all that extra money."

Shaking your head, you laugh, "not this again. No thanks, Gabby. I'm content with having my own living space."

She pouts at your response, seeing that you've rejected her offer more than a dozen times. "Alright then, fine. I respect your decision and I give up on asking. Just know that you are welcome to at anytime."

Could she really be done trying to persuade you? Well about damn time. If there's one thing Gabby can be, it's stubborn to the max. But you love her for that. Plus, it's not that you would hate to be her roommate. You just need to have your own space because you value your privacy.

Brian sees the opportunity and speaks up, "well, since it's a firm no from her, then maybe we could get a place together hun." He winks at her before laughing with you.

"Oh sure, you'd love that huh?" She tells him with a puckish smile. "I can barely stand you enough as is."

You nearly choke on your drink from laughing at her comment. Their playful banter is always amusing to you.

He puts his arm around her. "Ah, you love me."

"Bet your lucky ass I do." She mocks at him, then refocuses her attention towards you. "Speaking of living spaces, we still having movie night over at your place?"

You nod, "yeah, of course. Bring a horror movie. I'm in the mood for something scary tonight."

She sips her drink and tries to think of a movie. "Something scary.. hm, alright I got a few."

Brian scoffs, "Gabs trying to get you to move out, yet she still wants to stay the night at your place."

"Hey-" she objects, "my place is a mess right now! Plus, my neighbors upstairs are always too loud."

And yet, here she was trying to convince you to move in with her. The last time you stayed the night at her apartment, the couple that live directly above her had gotten into a huge argument. Voices were raised and doors were slammed. Fighting so loud that the whole complex could hear all of the details as they practically advertised their business. Now, it probably wouldn't have been such a big deal had it not been 2 o'clock in the morning..

You check the time on your phone, it's nearly 3 pm. Which means it's time to get a move on your Saturday errands. A little late, that is.

"Alright guys, I'm gonna head out." You stand up gathering your belongings.

"Okay miss scary," Gabby replies as you give her a quick hug. "I'll see you at your place later."

"See you later. Bye Brian." You wave them both before leaving the coffeehouse.

~~

Roughly a couple hours later, you're making your way home. Grocery tote in hand, casually walking on the sidewalk. Most of the houses here are quite worn and spaced farther apart. In fact, most of Derry is still pretty old. Of course, the stores and businesses here are kept up to date when it comes to their products and technology. But as far as the architecture of the buildings, apparently not much has changed. Along with new additions added recently, so the town is a good mix of modern and old-fashioned. It's a taste you could quite appreciate.

Concentrated on your phone, a bold colored object comes into your side view. Looking up, you spy a red balloon floating down the street past you. It's just.. hovering by. Not even ascending up or coming down. Like it's strictly following a horizontal path.

Well that's quite odd.

Suddenly, the balloon bursts with a loud pop at the sound of a sharp scream.

"Shit!" You blurt out clutching your chest.

Quickly, you search in the direction from which the sound came. A few yards off to the left, you spot what looks to be a little girl by a storm drain. Thrown back with her feet to the opening, frantically kicking while calling for help.

Without any hesitation, you dart over in that direction as fast as you could.

"HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE H-HELP!" She pleads trying to get away from the drain, it seems like she's being tugged in. "HELP!"

Nearing her, you drop your tote and bag on the ground. "Hey! Are you oka-" your words of aid are immediately cut off by the view before you. There is a large, clawed arm reaching out of the opening. It's latched onto the child's foot and trying to drag her into the drain. "Oh my god!" You plead, taking ahold of the girl's hand which she reaches out to you.

You manage to keep her from being pulled any further, but the sharp claw won't let her go. Gripped tightly around her ankle, it wasn't like anything you'd ever seen before. Long and beastly. Like something straight from a horror film.

"NO, NO, NOO!" Broken cries pour from her lips as she thrashes her legs.

"Let her go!" You demand the faceless attacker while struggling to break her free. A deep growl came from inside, responding to your presence. "What the hell-" you gasp. That noise, it was so inhuman. Growing desperate, you grab onto the appendage, trying to release it's iron grip. "I SAID LET HER GO!"

Finally it gave, deciding to release her foot. The sudden force sends you flying back with the child. Landing hard on your backside as she buries her face into your shoulder and clings to you. You secure her tightly into your arms and stand, looking back into the opening.

It's completely dark, aside from the piercing red eyes staring right back at you! An angry gaze burning through your own. Your hold on the young girl tightens, eyes widening in horror. Even though you are in a shocked state, you stand your ground and stare right back. Then, a high pitched chuckle vibrates within the drain. Echoing through before fading out along with the fiery orbs. Once it's gone, you try to process what you'd just seen.

"I've got you, there there." You comfort the frightened child, and probably even yourself. "It's okay. I got you."

What the fuck was that thing?

You pace a couple feet away from the sight before attempting to put her down. But she doesn't want to let you go, only hugging you tighter while shaking her head and muttering a bunch a trembling no's. Eventually, with a few comforting pats, her hold eases and you carefully set her down. She's still shaking, the poor girl. "Hey, it's alright. You're safe. It's gone now." You reassure her as you wipe away her tear streams.

"No, no-" she weeps, "he's gonna get me!"

He?

You attempt to calm her. "No one is going to hurt you. They're gone." Gently taking ahold of her trembling hands, you wait for her breathing to slow down. "No one. Understand?"

She sniffles, glancing back towards the drain. "O-okay."

Not convinced with her answer, you turn her back, "you sure?" She nods her head, a little more certain this time. "Good. Now let me take a look at that foot." Leaning down, you examine her ankle. There are scratch marks and some light bruising from where it gripped on. Her sparkly princess sneaker is shredded up, just barley walkable. "Does it hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Would you like me to walk you home?" You offer gathering your items from the ground. Why even ask? After what had just happened, there's no way you'd let her go by herself.

"Yes please," she replies softly.

"Alright, lead the way." She takes ahold of your hand and escorts you along. "So.. what's your name?" You ask walking alongside her.

"Kimberly."

"Nice to meet you Kimberly, my name is y/n. How old are you?"

"Seven. I'm in second grade." She says proudly, holding up two fingers.

"Wow, second grade? Super cool! You know you're very brave." She stays silent, gazing down on the concrete. Whatever that thing was back there scared her really bad. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She shakes her head no. She winces, and there’s a slight limp with every step she takes on her injured leg.

"That's okay. You don't have to." You assure, avoid wanting to further upset her. At the same time, you're curious as to what she saw down there. Whatever it was, it could not have been human. Especially with those glowing eyes and monstrous claws. Unless it was a person in a very realistic and convincing costume. But then what about the bizarre sounds they made?

"He was a clown." Kimberly breaks the silence.

"A clown?"

She nods.

"What did he look like?"

"Scary," she thinks, "he was big. Tall and fluffy. I thought he was my f-friend."

"Why did you think he was your friend?"

"Because he wasn't scary at first. He was funny and nice to me. I think his name was.. Very Wise? He said he would give me popcorn and take me to the circus. My mommy tells me not to follow strangers, I told him no."

There wasn't a circus in Derry that you knew of. However telling by the utter confusion in her recollection, and with how she seemed so certain, you realize she must be telling the truth. To her own knowledge, anyway. 

Having stopped there, it wasn't hard for you to guess what had happened next. "And then he grabbed you?"

She pouts, "mhm, I-I think he wanted to eat me."

The whole thing made you sick to your stomach. Not even wanting to imagine what would have happened to this poor, sweet girl if you hadn't been walking by. It also was crazy how no one else had heard her cries for help. The commotion was loud enough to draw attention from the nearby houses, and yet it didn't. No one came out to help, heck nobody even came out afterwards to check or see if everything was alright. It made you a little angry, but alas you bit down on your tongue before continuing the conversation with Kimberly.

"Let me tell you, I love clowns. But he doesn't sound like the kind of clown that I would like."

"You wouldn't," she agrees. "You're really nice."

"Well Kimberly, I don't think that Very Wise will be bothering you any time soon." You recite coming up to her house. Moments after knocking, a woman you assumed to be her mother answers the door.

The woman gasps, "Kimberly! What happened!?" She embraces her daughter, looking to you both for an immediate answer.

"She was attacked by something in the drain," you explain. "I'm sorry, I didn't get a good look at what it was before it fled."

"It's true mommy! She helped me get away from the clown I told you about." Kimberly claims, throwing you off guard.

Wait, she's seen it more than once!?

Her mother quickly quiets her down, "Oh, you and your imagination. It looks like you were attacked by an animal. Must have been a dog from the looks of it. But thank goodness you're okay. I told you not to go out and play too far, didn't I?" Kimberly frowns at her mother's words of disbelief. "And thank you for bringing her home safe, dear." The woman praises you before turning back to the her daughter. "Sweetheart, thank the nice young lady and come inside."

"Thank you y/n," the girl smiles giving you a hug.

"No need, I'm just glad you're safe. Good night." You call before they head inside.

You're still puzzled with the idea that Kimberly has previously encountered the clown being before. It's even more strange how she's warned her mother, yet the woman seemed to have brushed it off as nothing! Especially after an apparent attack like such. It doesn't feel right. What kind of a mother would ignore something like that?

Sighing deeply, you're just glad that it is over with. Letting it go as you head home. Have you got an insane story to tell Gabby later.

End of Part 1.

#Derry's Secret #pennywise #pennywise fanfiction #pennywise imagine #pennywise x reader #pennywise x you #pennywise x female reader #penny posted

[sokkastyles]

Hi,

Hope you are doing well. Thank you for the response on my previous question, regarding Aang.

I was reading some of the stuff on Azula that you reblogged, and I am confused, how are Ursa and Iroh guilty in Azula's abuse. It was purely Ozai who was abusing her. Ursa correcting Azula's behavior is not abuse, she just wanted her daughter to understand social situations, and to be respectful to others. Iroh giving her gift was not wrong. He gave her a gift that he thought she would have liked. I sometimes wonder why are Azula stans determined to have something blamed on Ursa and Iroh, when all the blame lies solely on Ozai.

I would like your thoughts on this.

As I said here, I was actually going to respond to this saying that I think a lot of Azula stans see her as much more self aware than she actually is, but on reflection I think it goes both ways, because I think they actually see her as BOTH more and less self aware than she actually is at different times.

As other people have said, I think many Azula fans want her to heal and possibly get a redemption, and because of that, they want to see her as more in control of her own narrative. So they headcanon her as more self aware than she is, more aware of Ozai's abuse. I see this a lot in people who blame her mother for "not believing she can be saved," or people who blame her brother for "thinking she had it easy."

And as I said, both of these narratives are false because it isn't Ursa who doesn't believe she can be saved. It's that Azula does not think she NEEDS to be saved. Azula sees nothing wrong with who she is and how she was raised. She thinks her unhappiness comes from other people failing to give her the praise and credit she deserves. She is not at all aware that she is a product of abuse, and thus also not aware of how she has mistreated others. That's also the reason why it's not Zuko's fault for "thinking she had it easy," because even if Zuko did think that, Azula ALSO thinks that. Azula is the one who thinks she doesn't need to change, the one who thinks that she is perfect and that everyone else (except her father) are at fault for the way her life has fallen apart.

Putting this blame on Ursa and Zuko is not only ignoring the ways that Azula has hurt others, it's also ignoring the ways she was a victim. Like, I get the impulse to want to see her heal, but acknowledging that she was abused means also acknowledging the ways that damaged her, and frankly, it's rather trivializing to pretend that she's just so much more self aware than everyone around her and so above it all.

I touched on this in previous posts, but the thing is, it's a comfortable fantasy to believe that abuse can be easily prevented if only everyone acted in exactly the way they should, but it doesn't always work that way. I said this in defense of Ursa and Iroh, who are not at fault at all for "letting" Ozai abuse either Azula or Zuko, but it's also true for Azula and Zuko themselves. I think that people think that because Azula is so smart, she should know better, and so they treat her like she does, even when she doesn't, and blame other people in her life for her not knowing better. And not only is this putting blame onto Ursa or Iroh or Zuko when they don't deserve it, it also implies that Azula is somehow at fault if she didn't know better. The reality is that no one is at fault for abuse except the abuser, and that being the victim of abuse is not a reflection of how smart or good someone is, how many adults they had looking out for them, or how privileged they are. So, ironically, when people act like Azula did know better, they are unintentionally implying that canon Azula, who doesn't know better, isn't enough of a victim and deserved the abuse she was subjected to. You don't have to realize you're a victim to be a victim, and that is a dangerous idea to put forth in the world.

At the same time, I do also think it's true on some level that people act like Azula is less self aware than she is at times, as that other person mentioned in the post I linked. I see all the time people say that she didn't know burning Iroh's gift was wrong, or burning the flowers was wrong, or terrorizing her brother was wrong, and...come on. As I said above, Azula is smart. Being a smart child does not necessarily mean you can't be victimized, because abusers are also smart and know how to manipulate, but we know Azula is smart enough to realize pretty early on who has the power in the dynamic with her parents. We see in "Zuko Alone" and in the comics that she knows her mother does not approve of her acting cruel, so she often tries to hide it from her, but she also knows that her father has more power than her mother and her father will encourage and enable her cruelty.

Another thing about this is that, as I said when talking about that one scene in "Azula in the Spirit Temple," not only does Azula pick up on the power dynamic between her parents, she also picks up on her mother's fear and helplessness and sadness. She doesn't understand enough to realize her father is abusing her mother, but she knows something is making her mother upset, and internalizes that blame. And since her father is teaching her that the world is made up of strong people and weak people, the latter getting exploited by the former, she quickly realizes that her father is strong and her mother is weak, and is smart enough to figure out which one she wants to be, because it's better to be strong than to be weak, better to hurt others (like her father) than to be hurt (like her mother). This isn't just speculation, either. It's actually textually stated at the end of the series, that Azula uses fear to control people because she thinks it is the only way to maintain relationships.

Like, y'all are really gonna tell me she just didn't know that her brother was terrified when she was telling him that their father was going to kill him? While he was literally cringing and begging her to stop? She didn't know she was hurting him when she literally tried to trick him into walking into a trap so she could bring him back home so her father could imprison him? She didn't know that there was a huge chance he might die if she struck him with lightning? She didn't know she was hurting him when he angrily confronted her with lying to him and she literally laughed in his face and said, "like I've never done that before?"

She knows, and she does it on purpose, for the same reason I mentioned above, because her father taught her that strong people hurt weak people, and her father also taught her that she is strong and her brother is weak.

And it's the same with Iroh. She burned the doll he gave her for the same reason, because her father taught her that Iroh was weak and that she's stronger than that, she doesn't need him. Her burning a flower in the comics "because it wasn't as pretty as the others," is an echo of the same idea. As is her burning her brother for telling on her.

Azula knows that she's hurting others. She doesn't know that she does it because someone hurt her. That's why you see so often in her narrative this repeated idea that she thinks that other people think something is wrong with her (while she herself tries to maintain this facade of perfection). But it's not her mother or anyone else who put that idea in her head. It was Ozai.

#azula #ursa #iroh #zuko #ozai #abuse cw

[mattodore]

coming into who he is later in life than most, julian is no stranger to being asked, "don't you feel like you've already wasted too much time? aren't you worried you won't be able to get what you want?" it's a no-brainer for julian that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to, but he always gives a measured response to these kinds of questions. he asks, "does the garden snail give up halfway to the leaves? does the giraffe retreat if the tree is too tall? i'm doin' this because it's the only way i can live. i'm doin' this to be me."

julian for @rainymoodlet's kiss me in komorebi bachelor challenge 💕

name: julian lee vance

age: 37 (adult, born may 30th)

traits: ambitious, goofball, neat (+ cheerful and worldly)

aspiration: master chef, julian wants to master and try all kinds of dishes from around the world

height: 5'9" but insists he's gonna grow more if he keeps eating right

background info:

julian went through most of his young adult life doing what he thought was expected from him, so coming into his 30s found him unhappy and lifeless. he needed a change bad. he started simple: every day he was gonna set aside some time from his grueling work as a lawyer to make himself a proper meal—after all, he really needed to lay off the take-out. from there, julian found himself with a real sense of passion for something and he knew it was a source of joy for him that he needed to pursue.

julian married his high school sweetheart, jeannie, straight out of school, but the relationship ended in divorce soon after he turned 21. the long distance between their out-of-state colleges was a natural stressor, but julian realizing he was gay after encountering another man like him at a party blew the whole thing wide open. jeannie freaked out on him and they didn't speak for over a decade. later, when they were both in their early 30s, jeannie messaged him on social bunny to tell him she'd recently come out as a lesbian, and said, "ain't that funny, jules? it's like we were searching for our community the whole time." they've been close ever since.

julian heard the news about daniel taylor coming out and starring in his own show from a friend of a friend. he'd never heard of a dating reality show for men like him before, so he found himself curious and started watching clips from your dad's garage online. six hours into a deep dive on daniel taylor later, he found himself flustered and feeling a little bit silly for crushing on a guy he'd never meet. a week went by and then—drunk on the same wine he was using to make beef bourguignon—he sent a messy, poorly formatted, rambling submission into kiss me in komorebi talking about how much he wants to meet daniel. a little hungover the next morning, he sent a little prayer out thanking every higher power out there that he hadn't sent any selfies or actual identifying information about himself in the application and no one would ever know it was him.

jeannie was the one who sent julian's new and improved application into kiss me in komorebi for him! after he told her about his new crush and the embarrassing application he sent in while wine drunk, she seriously started drafting an application for him then and there. "it'll be good for you," she told him. "And anyway, you're tryin' to be more adventurous, aren't you? isn't this an adventure?" she hit the submit button while sitting beside him, laughing and patting his back while he hid his face.

fun facts:

julian actually loves reality shows! he's just not one for dating shows because he always feels bad for the people who just wanted to find love but got sent packing. his favorite reality shows are the ones where he gets to see people working on their passion craft. cooking, special effects makeup, tattoos, fashion, drag, and recently woodworking... he loves all of it.

julian is big on adventure (a new trait of his!) and is always willing to try new things out at least twice, because everything and everyone deserves a second chance.

anthony bourdain was his biggest inspiration in throwing his law degree to the wind and changing his entire career in his 30s.

middle eastern cuisine is julian's favorite type of food.

his favorite thing to eat is shakshuka, one of the first meals he had at jeannie's house after they reconciled.

the scar on julian's jaw is from a cooking accident when he was just starting out. sometimes you just get a little too overzealous while trying to cut into an egg plant. julian's distaste for egg plants now is basically just a fear response.

julian loves how food brings people together. to him, food is a conversation between cultures, between languages. it's a connection to everyone who came before him and everyone after.

#kmikapp #simblr #ts4 #sims 4 #the sims 4 #ts4 cas #my sims #julian vance #river dipping #🦇 #one thing you can ALWAYS count on when it comes to me is i'm gonna add a little scar and a few moles what can i say #but anyway <3 found myself feeling very attached to julian as i was sitting here writing all of this out over the last two hours #i realize most of his cc is kind of alpha-ish so... i fully understand if he needs to be made more maxis 😭 #i just got carried away in cas AS USUAL........... #now that i'm finished with this i'm gonna play in-game with him to make sure he has the proper skill development #he's like... an intermediate cooker #like he's doing pretty good but he's not a Master Chef y'know lmao #anyway :) time to catch up with the dash and then off to play the sims MWAH

[itsclydebitches]

nah, bit the fact old!jaune of all characters watches bees kiss and is like "I've waited so long for this to happen" it's like, bro, please leave. get out of here.

Finally watched the episode!

That line makes absolutely no sense to me. Last interaction Jaune had that was bees related was him (understandably) assuming that Yang would be worried about Ruby being mad at her and he notably doesn't realize that she actually meant Blake. Then he goes into survival mode when Yang falls, having no time to reflect on Blake's reaction because he's off collecting the civilians, and then he spends literal years, likely decades, living in the Ever After, entirely removed from his friends' lives and, frankly, with bigger things to worry about than another team's romance. Jaune has to confirm that this is really Team RWBY, a moment which to me read as both hesitance that what he's waited so long for has really come to pass and ensuring that his mind isn't playing tricks on him. That's really what Team RWBY looks like, right? That's what they sounded like back when I was a teenager?

So you're telling me that Jaune, who to my recollection has NEVER shown that he knows what's up with Blake and Yang (that was his role with Ren and Nora) and who has now spent half a lifetime away from these girls to the point where he needs to reassure himself that he can even properly recognize them... was waiting "so long" for them to kiss?

Agreed: nah.

This is just another version of Weiss' earlier comment. As much as I liked it at the time for being the closest thing to confirmation in a then unconfirmed tale, Weiss likewise hasn't expressed any impatience, knowing looks, or other background hints to tell the audience, "I know they like each other and am waiting for them to overcome their fear and just SAY IT already." RWBY consistently tries to retcon things via dialogue. What do you mean Blake/Yang wasn't an established slow-burn the whole cast was aware of? Here are Weiss and Jaune saying just that!

Don't get me wrong, I'm ECSTATIC that they're finally canon, both because fuck yeah queer rep and, frankly, because I'd long grown sick of having my guard up in regards to this ship. But reaching this point doesn't erase the tumultuous journey getting there. Already I'm seeing a lot of folks going, "Of course RWDE is unhappy. They're homophobic 🙄" but the reality is that none of our criticisms have changed. We've said for years that RWBY needs to confirm the bees, but that confirming them won't suddenly free the writing of its long-term problems. Waiting this long was one of the biggest problems, so of course it's a bittersweet moment. You finally did the thing fans wanted you to do years ago and you did it with a number of pitfalls, not the least of which was scaring a good chunk of your fanbase into thinking we might end this series by being told we'd just been 'reading into things.' That's... a lot to unpack. I feel like I ordered takeout and it arrived five hours late. It's now stone cold, the food was only meh to begin with, and waiting in annoyance all night has now put me off my appetite. The response to that isn't usually a, "Why are you whining when you got your food??" Like yeah... I got my food... but damn, can you really not see how the experience of getting it impacts my feelings towards the food itself?

#rwde #rwby #mymetas

[bittersweetresilience]

sunny's favorite fanfiction

By no means a complete list of what I've read and loved, but these are some of the fics I have found the most memorable, captivating, and influential to me. Mostly oneshots. Mostly dark. Mind the Sunny.

clear blood

Prince_Enby (OMORI, 2,674 words)

Hero took a little too long.

I am pretty sure this fic rewired all of my neurons. I wrote a sequel to it. I wrote multiple sequels to it, though only one published. I think about it all the time. I have absorbed it into my body and my writing. The slow build, the foregone conclusion, the denial, the interspersing of memory, even the summary and author's note Altered™ me. This is my all time favorite fic, and from my all time favorite video game.

Each That We Lose Takes Part of Us

aceofbasedesires (The Untamed, 12,652 words)

“Wake up,” he says to his body, alarm making him itch. There’s no response. He says it louder, and then yells it, trying to drift forward. He can’t move. He’s curled over his own body, staring down at it, without being able to do anything. From inside Burial Mounds, Wei Ying’s mind reaches out to those he’s left behind.

Exquisite sadness indeed. I wrote a sequel to this one as well. I love fics that haunt me. I love fics that make me feel like a ghost. I love unhappy endings. I love this part of the show. I love hurt people hurting people. I love inevitability. I love tragedy.

tarnishing

ruthwrites (Mob Psycho 100, 21,147 words)

Reigen realizes that he never gave the man his name. He knew it, anyway— as well as the slogan for Reigen’s whole business. There must be some sort of reason for it. Maybe they’ve met before. As Reigen walks, he becomes more and more certain— he’s seen the man before.

There is nothing I appreciate more than a well done piece of horror. So insidious, so creeping, so everywhere. Lingering. A work of art and a model for manipulative relationships and gaslighting. The final scene with the rope has a full body grip on me.

Cold Water

messageredacted (Homestuck, 6,551 words)

You’re barely finished with your ascension to god tier when they drag you off your quest bed.

Iconic fic forever. I have reread this fic and its remix an unknown number of times over the years. Made for me.

The Decline

EzraBlake (John Dies at the End, 5,284 words)

I'd never heard him make a sound like that. It was almost inhuman coming from John – John, who once drank an entire bottle of tabasco sauce and then got it all over the bathroom because he was laughing hysterically while he vomited. John, who fucked up an alternate dimension by aiming an uncontrollably shitting dog like a rocket launcher. John whimpered.

This fic is so intensely, faultlessly in the spirit of the books, which I adore, that it makes me want to blow up my house with grenades.

power & control

instead (Miraculous Ladybug, 1,404 words)

“Was he always like that?” Félix asks on a ride home from school. She glances to her left: in the passenger seat, he smooths out his uniform, clenching and unclenching his hands into fists. “When you first got married.”

I write the most about Félix and Amélie, and this is the best depiction of them I have ever seen. I call Amélie my queen of England constantly.

This Time I'm Coming Down

telm_393 (The Good Place, 3,585 words)

Jason makes a lot of decisions he might regret.

I had a really hard time deciding between this and Some Things You Can't Touch. True to the characters in a way that makes me want to bite things and scream.

like the sheep

zehecatl (Night in the Woods, 1,564 words)

Sometimes, reality mixes in with memories, and so there's Angus, right across the median.

I am pretty sure it's still sad, but it's a tender sort of sad, like Angus loves him so much it's a sad thing osmosed into my entire personality. Dreams. Gore. Bleeding.

runner ups

The Arowana

chesslyfe5eva (Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, 6,486 words)

"Thank you, father. I've always wanted to look like a third-rate Yakuza lieutenant." "You're welcome. It's a beautiful creature. Kind and self-sacrificing. If anyone in its household were to die, it gives its life and dies in their stead." When Kiyotaka is born, his grandfather gifts the new parents a baby arowana.

Writing about side characters who are almost original characters in relation to a minor detail in the franchise, love of my life. It is so well made.

Terrycloth Mother

rowdymouse (Mother 2: EarthBound, 4,325 words)

Tony's faced with a hard task: providing Jeff all the love he never got and desperately needs.

This actually spoke to my core. It has a very particular feeling shared by The Arowana. Second person perspective never misses.

Until the Walls Break Like Waves

attackfish (Avatar: The Last Airbender, 21,095 words)

It was just before the winter solstice when Earth Kingdom soldiers captured the prince of the Fire Nation and his uncle, the Dragon of the West. It was the dead of winter when they were brought to Ba Sing Se.

I feel like I have to include such a powerful and iconic fic. Good thing this exists.

ten thousand grit

besselfcn (Hunter × Hunter, 1,310 words)

Killua isn’t anything. Killua is a sharpened blade. Killua is the teeth and fillings left behind when a body burns to ash. So what’s another whetstone? What’s another funeral pyre?

Since I read this, what’s another whetstone? What’s another funeral pyre? has not left my brain.

special mentions

running in the shadow

wackus_bonkus (Miraculous Ladybug, 3,062 words)

Félix doesn’t miss the soul bond between him and Adrien until it’s gone.

How could I not award this masterpiece? I love nonlinear narratives and vignette style fics. Especially when they are written by my friend and for me. This is worth the world and deserves everything.

The Homestuck Epilogues

Andrew Hussie, Cephied_Variable, ctset (Homestuck, 190,398 words)

Ten years after their adventure began, the heroes are enjoying a well-earned retirement on Earth C. But John still has one last choice to make.

Can I count this? I'm counting this. This inspired my love for metafiction and shaped me as a person. Narratives, futility, meaning, characters getting worse. I've never seen a more creative usage of visual elements in fanfiction. I devour experimental media.

#GOD I LOVE UNHAPPY OR AMBIGUOUS ENDINGS #it's overwhelming how many fics i didn't include HJSHHJSHSFKJDSK #my almost 6000 bookmarks on ao3... #looking at this lineup is interesting to me #because i read and enjoy whump the most but it seems #a great number of the fics that actually stick with me and weave their way into my body are the experimental ones the horror ones #the ones that make me do or feel or think something new and interesting #i hope my fics can be that for somebody... #🌃

[mahayanapilgrim]

The Uncomfortable Paradox of Possessions

You probably don't want to read this.

If possessions made you happy then simply open your closet and see if you can feel the wave of bliss, but you don't. Paradoxically, the more possessions you have the less time you have to enjoy them, and perhaps they're no longer enjoyable or even momentarily satiating?

Look closely - examine deeply. Far too often all of these possessions serve as symbols - existential symbols of our desire to be happy and furthermore reflect a mirror image of our unhappiness with ourselves as we are. Instead of each possession making us feel better and contented, we simply want more of them - every possession stealing both our contentment and serving as totems of our inner poverty and insatiable craving.

Just Imagine...what do you think the cumulative and lasting impact would be on a person's mind to live in a residence surrounded by unconscious objects that reflected their unquenchable craving to appear as safe, secure, successful and reliable? Imagine, that this person interjects and says, "But wait, this is not some house that craving built, this is my home - this is where I live." Exactly

In all seriousness - how is that you actually own anything at all? If these things were actually yours, beyond just you or a piece of paper saying so, then why is it that they could and do just disappear in a single moment? Perhaps you're just making up a story called, 'ownership?' It's not like you haven't completely fabricated stability stories plenty of other times (health, relationships, occupation etc etc).

Death is mocking you. Know that you could and sooner or later you will lose everything in a single uncertain moment.

Your name, your face - everything. Why would you invest your time and energy gathering things and believing that you could be successful through owning things? Leave what to your children? Things that were never or could be yours? A legacy that amounts to nothing more than delusions of grandeur.

At some point we have to realize that to continue purchasing things to be happy is a form of willful ignorance - a not wanting to look deeply for fear of an unfounded nihilistic reality.

To train our children to follow in our footsteps and to teach them to want even more than what we have? You say you want your children to have a better life than the one you had - surely that doesn't mean more illusions? This is a fool's errana.

To encourage competition, ambition, comparing and rating with regard to the illusions of possessions is to facilitate inadequacy in ourselves and others often in service of the magical kingdom known as, 'the economy! The measure of GDP is not a measure of a country's wealth or financial health, but instead has served as a barometer of environmental recklessness and the division of our so-called society into haves and have-nots. This is a path of external destruction and internal misery - it is inevitable. All in the service of illusion.

Of course what I am saying is deeply unpopular because it can feel as though a person's lifestyle and reason for being is under attack.

Instead, try thinking of this as an encouragement to lead a very different life.

Also, many of you will try the age old nonsensical defense by saying something like this, "But, but - we need possessions to survive." This is the fallacy and cognitive distortion of black and white thinking. People use this type of extreme thinking to paint others as extremists and thereby remove themselves from the further responsibility that wisely thinking things through requires. Yes, you will need a few things to survive. No argument. See that wasn't hard. Yes, the economy would look very different it we changed our measurement of a successful society to GNH - Gross National Happiness which can easily be measured externally by restoring a healthy environment and internally measured by decreasing destructive emotions and a rise in positive emotions such as empathy, brotherly love and compassion.

There is a different way. Try the path of disenchantment and dispassion and apply them toward old habits of materialism and ways of being that no longer work - especially ones based in delusion. Just go through it. Joy and contentment is what follows.

Simply rest in awareness, content in your own being. Learn to ride out the waves of compulsion, desire, craving, restlessness and boredom. Enjoy the natural manifestations of your awareness without trying to possess them. Try not to possess more than you could actually use and begin to fully appreciate your mind and its creation - a simple leaf, a blade of grass, a wildflower, a smell, a touch, a taste.

The joy of contentment comes from the ability to vividly enjoy the stress-free, non-possessing, never-ending manifestation of your own awareness that is available to you in every moment.

Before buying the next unnecessary thing, ask answer the question. Just ask the question and rest.

May you be truly happy

May you be well May you fell safe

May you feel peaceful And at Ease.

In Loving Kindness

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