#i've been feeling very lonely lately. don't have anyone i can talk to about being fey

[majidemah]

i really miss the sense of community i got from following other kin blogs.... i know kin tumblr is way smaller than it used to be and i kinda doubt that will change but i still love you guys <3

#feykin #faekin #what tags do people even use anymore. #hiiiiii . for the love of god hello #i don't really remember the tags for this blog at the moment #but if anyone's still out there #i've been feeling very lonely lately. don't have anyone i can talk to about being fey #i mean i could probably talk to [redacted]. they know i'm a canid #but euhhhhh they're very uhm. strictly atheistic and while they're very supportive of me being a dogboy #i think they just kinda assume its a furry thing. which it also is. #but like. idk. i just don't know if they would accept it as a spiritual thing #which would be way more disheartening for fey stuff than dog stuff even though its really all the same stuff. #anyway. #realized i hadn't made a post reminding people that i'm still kin and loving it in a couple years.

[hawkinsbnbg]

Steve had died in that interrogation room under Starcourt and now, he was stuck haunting Robin Buckley who might as well be his shortest heartbreak and long-lost twin.

The problem was she couldn't see or touch him.

No, she could hear him just fine, but physical contact was just impossible.

Steve, however, didn't care much so long as he had someone there to listen to his daily monologues. It was fun.

They bickered most of the time and while Robin always seemed sad that she couldn't hug him whenever he told her about his parents or how lonely he used to be before her, Steve was just happy with what he got.

Because even in death, he wasn't alone, and that was enough of a gift to him.

Then, the day his funeral was held, Steve was thankful that he had convinced Robin to attend considering it was how he reunited with the kids.

They all saw him.

A thing that Steve would never take for granted.

Robin didn't know what to do when they flocked around her and bombarded her with question after question, demanding to know why she was the one who got the privilege of being haunted by Steve.

"A privilege?" Robin burst into a laugh, giving them a ridiculous look.

"Of course, to think you've been haunted and actually having real conversations with a ghost every day is a revolutionary step into the spiritual science field," Dustin narrowed his eyes. "And I am very disappointed in you, Ms. Robin Buckley, for not telling me right away!"

"Just say you're jealous that Steve doesn't haunt you." Max rolled her eyes.

"You say it as if you're not jealous yourself!" Mike scowled at her.

"No, I'm not, you delusional nerd!" Max scowled back.

"Hey!"

"C'mon guys, don't fight," Lucas frowned and sighed in exasperation.

Noticing the odd looks from other people at the cemetery, Robin herded the kids into Steve's car that he had given her as a keepsake.

Once they were safely away from prying eyes, Robin clapped her hands to gather everyone's attention.

"Children!" She then continued under their curious gazes. "Steve-o here said he really appreciates that you munchkins care so much about him. But sadly, he can't leave my side. Like literally can't so if any of you want to see him, you can always seek me out whenever you see fit."

"Why are you saying all of this?" Mike squinted at her.

"Because Steve can't talk to us, obviously." Dustin responded haughtily, earning an eye roll from the other boy.

"Bingo!" Robin did a fist bump with Dustin.

Then, she held up a finger at them. "And before you ask, I can't see him. Or touch him."

She watched the kids look at the passenger seat before nodding at her.

It must be Steve who confirmed the truth, she thought.

As they went back to discussing Steve's incorporeal state, Robin had a feeling that she had unknowingly adopted a gaggle of troublesome ducklings who were going to give her grey hair very very soon.

"C'mon Robbie, it's a Halloween party," Steve begged. "Let's go have some fun! Don't your heart ache to watch your bestest friend rotting in sorrow while eating pumpkins?"

"First of all, I've never ever met anyone who uses 'heart' and 'ache' like that," Robin blew at her freshly painted nails.

"Well, now I'm your first. Didn't people always say special always come late?"

"I don't even want to correct you on all of that," Robin huffed quietly at Steve's goofy chuckle. "And no, Dingus, you don't eat pumpkins. Or if you do, I don't care."

"Please, Robbie, I just wanna have fun," Steve sighed dolefully. "It's been a long time ago since I went to a party." He sighed again and even sniffled a little.

When Robin groaned, a big grin stretched on his lips.

"Just this time." She narrowed her eyes at him, or precisely speaking, at the spot where she assumed he was sitting.

Sometimes, when she made a wrong guess, Steve would just move over to where her gaze stopped and continue talking her ears off.

"I promise you're gonna have so much fun, Robbie." Steve ruffled her hair even if his hand always passed right through her. It was still one of his hard-to-get-rid-of habits anyway.

By the time they arrived, the party was already full-blown and swarmed with people.

As Robin struggled her way through the crowd, Steve just walked beside her with barely any difficulties.

He bet she would curse him so much if she saw how comfortable he looked right now.

But then, his little moment of joy was cut short when he bumped into someone whose lips literally knocked against his.

As cliché as it might sound, he certainly felt the electricity running through his body from that single accidental kiss.

And belatedly, a realization dawned on him.

He had bumped right into someone.

He, a ghost, had bodily collided with a living human.

Shocked, Steve stepped back and was at a loss for what to do next.

Then, a shaky voice shook him out of his trance.

"Harrington?"

Staring into those scared Bambi's eyes, Steve clenched his jaw and forced himself to not panic.

"Munson."

#steve harrington #robin buckley #eddie munson #stobin #pre steddie #platonic soulmates stobin #soulmates steddie #soulmates whoes souls are connected so even death can’t do them apart #sionewrites #might have a part 2 if reactions are good #sorry it's not even halloween and i posted this lmao

[writing-in-the-impala]

Secret Smokes (Part 11)

Pairing: Teacher! Remus Lupin x Reader

Series Summary: When the reader bumps into the new DADA professor on the bridge in Hogwarts she begins to build a friendship with him all thanks to their shared feeling of not belonging and love for muggle cigarettes. Their friendship blooms while they both fight internal battles deciding what is wrong and what is right leading to a lot of fluff, angst, flirting and a rollercoaster of emotions.

Warnings: Swearing, smoking, drinking, teacher-student relationship, angst, jealousy, fluff, smut.

Word Count: 4495

A/N: Yes I did drop off the face of the earth for a bit but can I make it up to you with an extra long chapter?

 | SERIES MASTER LIST (All chapters) |

Previous Chapter, Part 11, Next Chapter

Your fight was the last time you saw Remus Lupin that week, the next lesson you had with Lupin was taken over by Snape, even your tutoring was now with McGonagall. Lupin returned on Friday evening, you saw him in the great hall during dinner, and that's when you received an owl from him which was rare during dinner. He didn't pay you any attention, so you decided to take the letter to the lake and read it by yourself so no one could interrupt you and he couldn't watch or analyse you open it. You sat down by the water and opened it.

"My dearest, Y/N,

Oh how I've fucked up, in life constantly but with you in more ways than one. I don't know how to express my words in person I've never been good at words when it came to the important things like people. This is version five of this letter.

I traveled home after Monday. I couldn't bare to look at that desk, I couldn't go to Sirius as his home will forever smell like the first time I kissed you. When I arrived I found your letters, they made me realise you left to protect us from ending up in this very situation, I thought it was from fear of getting told off for being home late but really you knew that Percy was looking for clues. Unfortunately his letter found me first and convinced me to push you away, that I was risking too much by risking your schooling, I don't care about my career, what's life if you only live for a job but I don't want to mess up your future. I take my job very seriously but life is  more important.

You were right when you said I'm scared of having something good, however you were wrong when you said you were convenient. You're far from it. I might be lonely but that's not why I'm drawn to you, I'm drawn to your wit, I'm drawn to your smile and I'm drawn to your world. If we could spend forever sitting on my sofa listening to music and talking I would die a happy man.

I don't know what my feelings for you are but they are strong and they scare me, you're much more important to me than anyone else I know and I fear to admit it. New Year's Eve I messed up, if we were ever going to kiss I wanted it to be after a date where I show you how you're meant to be loved and offer you the world not drunk on the steps of my best friends house.

I don't know how you feel about me and if I hurt you too much, if that's the case I am terribly sorry I wish I could make it right. If an inch of you still thinks I'm a decent man I have two offers for you.

A. If you want to remain friends and go back to last year's rules "no dear, no alcohol and no kissing" meet me tomorrow evening in my office for tea and tunes, or let me know in your own way

B: If you are up for an adventure my dear and willing to see what happens if we risk it and you still feel any attraction after my poor behaviour: Meet me tomorrow morning at 9am in Hogsmeade, next to the three broomsticks.

C: if you simply hate me like you said (at least 4 times using my full name I'm glad you don't know my middle name) all I ask is show up to my lessons, we can arrange another teacher to take over you 1-on-1 schooling but please show up. I promise to pretend I don't think you're the most amazing witch and woman I've ever met. Please don't let me ruin your exams or future.

Yours, Remus John Lupin.

P.S. To answer the question in your original letters from the 1st of January keep my sweater, it will simply be a painful memory if you choose C and I like the way it looks on you if you choose B ."

You felt a mixture of excitement and relief with his letter, it felt like everything has magically explained itself. Remus was an anxious writer with a tendency to sabotage his own happiness but he was trying. He was trying for you.

The next morning you woke up early to get ready to see Remus, you didn't know what to expect but you were excited. You arrived in Hogsmeade early knowing Remus as someone extremely punctual you were shocked to find Remus wasn't there. You waited until 9:05 but nothing, so you began to walk back at towards the castle. "Wait!" Remus said and you turned around to see him holding two cups of coffee, one of which had obviously slightly spilled on him. "It's with milk!" He said holding a coffee forward towards you.

"Thank you." You said grabbing it.

"I'm glad you came." He said softly.

"I'm glad you sent that letter." You replied. "You have coffee on your sweater." You pointed out reaching in your pocket for a tissue.

"I didn't think through apparating with two cups of coffee.' He admitted with a shy smile as you dabbed his jumper dry. "Thank you dear." He continued softly.

"Are you ready to go?" He asked.

"Where?"

"London, grab my hand and hold your coffee tight." He said reaching out a hand and you took hold of it and you appeared in Holborn, London.

"I thought that wasn't possible in Hogwarts." You admitted.

"That's why we met in Hogsmeade dear, sorry about being late, there was a queue." He admitted showing you the coffee.

"I thought you may have changed your mind." You admitted.

"I was scared you wouldn't come." He admitted.

"Liar you got two cups of coffee." You pointed out.

"I had a feeling you'd show up, now dear, see today as my way of apologising to you. I have a small plan but if you want to do anything just tell me." He said and at that moment you turned the corner to the British Museum. "Have you been here before?" He asked.

"Maybe once or twice as a kid."

"Okay but have you ever had a magic tour of this place?" He questioned and you shook your head. "Great." Remus led you into the British museum, he looked quite excited and more young now than ever. "Now not everyone knows that many treasures in this building are actually artefacts from great magicians."

"So they stole from wizards too?" You asked and Remus laughed.

"They sure did, now not many people know how some of these great people used magic to help muggles and how some of this stuff is either cursed or enchanted." Remus continued as you walked through the beautiful foyer.

"But I'm sure you do." You said teasing him and he nodded.

"I'm not just a pretty face, unlike you I spent a lot of time in libraries."

"Are you saying I don't study? I spend a lot of time in my professors office."

"You spend a lot of time listening to music and distracting me while I try to mark work, dear." He shot back and you laughed. "Now as I was saying, I may not be a rich man or have much to offer but I have a lot of knowledge."

"You should be a teacher." You said with a wink.

"You should be a comedian. Now enough talking watch this." He said and then one of the Egyptian statues moved and stood up.

"Holy shit, are you allowed to do that?" You asked looking around.

"Don't worry no one will notice." He said

"What was that?" You asked.

"It's a Pharos tomb guard, they're enchanted to stand when an attacker approaches, they have a lot of ancient magic in here."

"So why didn't they do that when they were removed from the tomb?" You asked as you and Remus continued to walk and look at the different statues.

"They did, they did for a very long time, however when dark wizards realised there's money in helping archaeologists they helped lift curses or limit enchanted objects. Those guards were stopped from being the soldiers they were, the only thing left is the command to stand when you summon them." Remus explained, you were impressed by his knowledge. You walked through  the ancient Egyptian part for another few minutes before Remus took hold of your hand and hurried you to the Ancient Greek part. "This bits my favourite, sorry is it okay if I do that?" He asked gesturing to your hand.

"It's encouraged." You blushed.

"Tell me when I cross a line Y/N, we still need to talk about us but first I want to hold my part of the deal, showing you who I actually am."

"And who are you profesor?"

"A lonely bookworm with a furry problem and a teaching job to pay the bills."

"Don't forget the cottage." You winked making him laugh.

"Now these are the Parthenon marbles, the Parthenon was being used as a base to store ammunition by the Ottomans and some idiot messed up and blew up the whole thing."

"Some idiot is that the technical term profesor?" You poked him in the arm and he rolled his eyes. You found him very attractive when he was more casually dressed, with his jacket drooped over his arms and a warm sweater on.

"It is now." He replied. "Long story short some guy named Lord Elgin went to Greece and asked the Ottomans can I have this? And they said sure and he took it, as lords usually do. It's missing a lot of parts as they're back where they belong but a small part of me feels lucky to have them here as they tell a story. You see if you come over here you'll see the Centaur." He led you over to the far wall. "He tells a story of the battle between Centaurs and Lapiths at the marriage feast of Peirithoos. And if you do this even with it's missing parts you get to watch it." He lifted his wand and the marble moved. It began plaything the story throughout the panels as if they were alive just like the paintings in Hogwarts. "And if you think that is cool look behind you." You turned around and the main sculptures were all moving, they were missing parts but they felt human.

"That's incredible, show me more." You expressed with a big smile and Remus couldn't help but smile back. "Come on." He said putting one arm around you while his other arm still had his jacket drooped over it. And like that, he led you through the museum holding your waist and making your heart flutter at his actions and brain amazed at the world of knowledge he was sharing with you.

It was one of the few times you saw Remus truly happy as he immersed himself in history. It was beautiful to see him care free not putting himself down, not talking about his condition just being himself. As you walked out the museum hours later he still had a hand around your waist. "Now dear what would you like to do?"

"Should we go get some food?"

"What a wonderful idea, there's a great pub not too far from here, only thing I need to get some cash out as I'm low on muggle money." He explained.

"I can pay."

"I'm sure you can but you won't I'm taking you out on a date it's my treat." He said as he rushed in front of you to the cash machine. "Okay" he said looking at it. "Okay, okay." He continued looking for where to insert his card. "Just a moment." He said after inserting it and just starring at all the options on the screen. "Merlin." He whispered quietly while pressing random buttons.

"You do know how to use it?" You asked suggestively.

"Of course I do." He said but he was obviously struggling.

"Here let me help you." You stood alongside him pressing the buttons for him. "How much do you want to withdraw?"

"£20?" He said hesitantly.

"£20?" You confirmed.

"£50."

"£50 are you sure?" You asked in disbelief.

"I'm not good with this, I haven't been in a muggle pub in forever I don't know the prices these days. I'm sorry, get however much you think it'll cost for us to have food. This is so embarrassing." He admitted.

"£50 it is, Remus the muggle world is my world it's okay to ask for help, I literally didn't know you could aparate in Hogsmeade." You calmed him while you finished the transaction.

"Yeah that was silly, everyone knows-"

"You don't know how to use a cash machine Remus!" You interrupted.

"I'll shut up. Now off to the pub, thank you for your help." He took your hand and lead the way. The pub was quite busy but you expected it as it was lunchtime on a Saturday. It was nice to sit opposite Remus having a meal, flirting, chatting and being yourselves. You didn't feel anxious like you did sometimes on dates, you felt like you were hanging out with a friend that you had a crush on, he would make you blush a lot with his words but he was also clumsy and stumbled a lot, something you never saw in him at Hogwarts. He ordered fish and chips and knocked over the sauces with his hand, when he went to pick them up, he hit his head on the edge of the table, you found it all cute and amusing but he was obviously embarrassed. "Am I making you slowly think I'm an idiot?" He asked after the incident and you simply replied with. "Only a little bit, makes you less intimidating."

"Am I intimidating?" He asked.

"Not at all." You said and he shook his head while laughing. After you ate you decided to take a walk along the river at first you began to talk about meaningless stuff like how you missed the Christmas lights or how Remus enjoyed the fact you can find oyster shells and old pipes on the rivers edge from the Victorian era. However the conversation changed when Remus asked. "What do you see us as?"

"I don't know." You admitted a bit of anxiety started to grow inside you.

"I don't know either, but I think we need to set some ground rules."

"What do you suggest?"

"Defining what's okay, like for example I think if either of us is developing strong feelings like love for the other we should cut it off as we don't want to hurt each other and with our current position we can't be in a relationship and be student and teacher." He said his eyes moving all over the place but avoiding you and he used his hands to emphasise what he was saying.

"How come?"

"Well for starters we can't do this all the time, if I was in love I would like to offer that person all my love, I would like to take them on dates, I would like to walk around and hold their hand, I would like to bring them to see my friends and so on... we can't do that, it will hurt to love someone but not be able to live in public, I don't want to risk the pain for either of us." He explained and you nodded.

"So what can we do?"

"What do you want to do?"

"I want to continue to relax in your office with you." You began and he nodded. "I want to be able to kiss you, I want to be myself with you, I want to smoke on the bridge with you and when no one is watching I want to be held by you."

"And we can do that we can just not love each other, and give each other a relationship that's the line."

"So we can see other people?" You questioned him and he looked puzzled.

"I would prefer not, I can't stop you but I may not feel comfortable with sleeping with you if you're kissing other men." He admitted.

"I'd prefer if you weren't kissing anyone else either... Can we do this sometimes?"

"Of course dear, however not as much as either of us would like to, maybe once a month or every so often not to raise suspicions."

"But I can come see you in your office every night?"

"My door is always open for you dear."

"Can I sleep in your office?"

"Where on the desk?" He remarked in a snarky way.

"Is that where you want to fuck me?" You matched his energy y.

"Well it's not for sleeping." He winked and the grabbed your hand."Enough serious conversations, let's just live a little before we have to worry about rules. Today, exists in a world of its own, what do you want to do?" He asked with a cheery tone.

"I mean checking out that desk sounds fun but maybe before that we should enjoy London."

"I'm already enjoying it right here." Remus said stopping and pulling you in closer, putting his arms around your waist. "I think I like London." He said looking at your lips.

"Oh really." You stood on your toes to get closer to him and he leaned down and kissed you lightly.

"Alright let's go I have an idea." He said once again grabbing your hand and leading the way. You walked into a small cosy record shop. You both started looking through the shelves showing each other records you thought the other would life and either replying with a "yes" or "not my style" once the yes like became tall enough you walked over to the record played and started listening to them, there was only one pair of headphones so you had to share, bringing in your heads close as you listened to the music. "Oh listen to that trumpet." You said listening to a Chet Baker vinyl. "Do you like it?"  Remus asked and you nodded. "This is one of my favourite songs, the earnest vocals, I fall in love too terribly fast, for it to ever last..." you began to sing along to the song and Remus smiled warmly at you, he couldn't help but kiss you on the cheek. "Let's buy it." He said.

"What Remus it's quite expensive?"

"That doesn't matter today dear." He said putting it back in the vinyl sleeve and taking it to the till. "Besides there's nothing more I want to do than lay in bed with you and listen to this here vinyl." He said while paying for the vinyl, he thanked the cashier a grumpy old man who didn't seem to care about your conversation. You continued to walk through London for a bit longer but it started to get colder and you both decided it was time to head home. "Okay, we need to aparate back separately as it may be busy with people at this time." He began. "You'll go first and I'll follow, I don't want to leave you alone back here, I'm sure you'll be okay but I don't want the stress." You nodded in reply. "Okay dear, once you are back it would be a good idea for you to go to your dorm or walk around somewhere far from my office, and in about thirty minutes from now come to my office and we can continue this evening." You nodded in reply and that's when he gave you a quick kiss on the lips. "I'll see you soon my dear." He said and you left. As you walked back to Hogwarts all the emotions rushed in, the excitement, the love you felt but shouldn't, the confusion from the conversation about not falling in love. You felt very overwhelmed but you also felt so many positive emotions that you couldn't wait to go visit Remus in his office. It was weird not being able to travel back with him after you were able to spent so long acting like a couple but it made sense you just wished it could be different. You walked back to your dorm room where Percy was sitting on the chair. "Hi Y/N." He said as he saw you coming in, you didn't reply. "Still giving me the silent treatment? You know I haven't done anything wrong all I wanted to do is spend time with my friend." He continued as you walked away.

"Our dear brother causing you trouble?" Fred asked as you walked past him.

"I'm going to hex him." You replied as your turned to the girls chambers.

"Be our guest." George said before you went into your chambers. It was good that Percy saw you, helps avoid his suspicions. You waited the thirty minutes before heading straight to Lupins office, just in case you checked if Percy followed you but he didn't so you were in the clear to go meet Remus. You walked through the corridors with a hint of excitement as you approached his office, you knocked on the door and Remus opened it almost immediately. "Hey you." He said with a smile letting you in and checking behind you if anyone was in the corridor, he closed the door and turned the lock before leading the way upstairs to his office where he also locked the door after you came in. "Hungry?" He asked as you sat down on the sofa.

"More peckish."

"Perfect, I have some cheeses here and some bread."

"How fancy." You pointed out looking at the small charcuterie board he prepared.

"Only the best for you." He said as he sat down beside you, a record he already had playing way playing in the background as you both sat their indulging into the different flavours. "Thank you for joining me today." Remus suddenly changed the subject.

"Thank you for showing me everything, and for the food and the vinyls, everything." You said a bit overwhelmed by his generosity.

"Come here." He gestured for you to come in closer, you lay on the sofa with your head on his crotch and he stroked your head lovingly, slowly playing with you hair. "I love how soft you hair is." He pointed out as he continued to stoke your hair. A few minutes later the vinyl playing finished and Remus gestured for you to sit up so he could change the music. "How about we try this one out dear." He said pulling out the new Chet Baker vinyl and your heart warmed. "Anything to drink? I've got a nice bottle of wine I've been thinking about opening."

"That sounds great."

"The music or the wine?" He clarified.

"Both."

"White or red dear?" He asked while opening a cabinet.

"What do you prefer? Maybe red?"

"Red it is." He pulled the bottle out and began to open it placing two glasses on the table in front of you and filling them up. "To wonderful day." He said raising his glass as he sat down. You rested your head against his shoulder as you sat in comfortable silence.

"You know moony, I prefer this when we're allowed to cuddle on the sofa and kiss sometimes." You broke the silence.

"Me too dear." He bought his hand up to your cheek and pecked your lips slightly before going back to the resting position. "I craved this every time you sat here and I sat at my desk aching to kiss you." He admitted. This was peace, you were in your safe place.

"Are you aching to kiss me now?" You asked quietly.

"Always." He whispered into your ear placing his glass down on the small table in front of you and then taking yours to do the same for you. He leaned in to kiss you, as the kiss depended you ended up laying on the sofa. He was above you his lips and your lips colliding as you both struggled to catch a breath. You felt him getting hard as he slowly moved his body up and down over you, you reached up for his shirt unbuttoning it and pushing it off his shoulders. "You're not wasting any time." He said between the kisses. His arms moved under your ass and he scooped you up in one movement so you were now straddling him, he pulled your shirt up and unclasped your bra as you began to grind on him making him harder and harder. He pulled away from your lips to suck on your nipples, the sensation made you moan in reply he grabbed your hair and pulled it down roughly making your head tilt back as he continued to worship your body. "Let's take this somewhere more comfortable." He said lifting you up and carrying you.

"You don't want to do it on your sofa?" You asked curiously.

"Oh I do, and my desk and every wall however today I will show you how you're meant to be loved not fucked." He said while pushing the door to his bedroom open and throwing you down on his bed. He unbuttoned your trousers and pulled them off along with your underwear, getting down on his knees and kissing your legs all the way up to your pussy. His hand reached up to your breasts where he started massaging them as his tongue flicked your clit making you moan. As he continued this movement with his tongue he moved his hand to slowly slip his fingers inside you pulling in and out while starting to alternate between sucking and licking. "Merlin you're either so wet or I'm drooling like a dog over how good you taste." He went straight back in and continued until you started begging for him as you felt yourself getting close. "Beg for me again." He growled as he moved to be just above you.

"Please." You barely whispered and he smashed his lips into yours, unbuckling his own trousers and taking them off while still keeping his lips on yours. You felt him thrust inside you leaving time for you to adjust, even though you remembered his size it shocked you how deep he filled you. "Are you okay dear?" He whispered checking in on you. "Mmhm." You confirm and he picked up the speed. He kissed you while going faster and started to slowly move his kisses down to your neck and breasts. You felt yourself get close as he ramped up the speed. "Cum for me dear, I want you to feel how good I make you feel." He said kissing his breath a bit. You couldn't hold it any longer and came which made him cum in you, you felt the warmth inside you as he slowed his pace and rested more of his body weight while moaning into your lips. He kissed you deeply once more before pulling out and laying down beside you. You were both panting as you lay there, Remus moved the covers and covered both of your bodies and kissed your forehead. "Good night dear." He whispered and you placed your head on his chest hugging him as his arm was around you. "Good night, Moony."

NEXT CHAPTER | More stuff I wrote

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[maochira]

omg i just saw ur chris comforting the reader after a mental breakdown post! do u think u can do that again but with bigbro!karasu? thank uuu 🫶🤍🤍🤍

I've done two similar things with Karasu already (comfort after a bad day and anxiety attack comfort) but I can do this as well!

Requests open! - masterlist

Synopsis: Since Karasu went to Blue Lock, you started feeling lonely and now you even had a falling out with your friends, leaving you completely alone. Luckily, your brother returns just in time to comfort you.

Tags: gn!younger sibling!reader, slightly overprotective big brother!Karasu, comfort

Ever since Karasu left to go to Blue Lock, home started feeling empty. Your parents work a lot so you're alone most of the time. For a while, you were able to find distraction by keeping yourself busy or meeting up with friends. The latter thing just hasn't been possible lately.

Last week, your friend group had a massive falling out and you just can't help but feel like it's all your fault. Without anyone to talk to about it, it's been eating you up from the inside. Usually, you'd talk to your brother about things like this but even though he has his phone in Blue Lock back by now, he's busy most of the time and there's no way to properly tell him about what's on your mind.

Watching him play on the Blue Lock Eleven team was amazing and you were happy to see him again, but as soon as you were back home you started feeling awful because you just miss him being around. As much as he teases and bullies you all the time, he does it with love and that's exactly what you miss.

Since that day, you haven't gone to school because your mental health has been declining more and more and by now you're just lacking the energy to leave the house. It's not just because you miss Karasu, but also because your previous friends started contacting you again and put more guilt on you than you already felt. It just became too much.

A few minutes ago, you finally managed to find the strength to block them. It's something you should have done way earlier, but something in you had hopes that everything will go back to how it was before if you apologize enough - even for things that aren't your fault at all.

While you're crying on your bed you can hear the front door open. It's a bit too early for one of your parents to return from work, but you just shrug it off.

You're still lost in your thoughts, so you only realize your brother is back at home when he knocks at your door. You know the way his knocking sounds compared to your parents' very well.

"Nii-san?" You turn your head to the door and seconds later, Karasu opens it. You haven't called him Nii-san in a very long time. At some point, you just started calling him Tabi-nii or Tabito, but Nii-san feels more fitting right now. "You're back?"

Karasu doesn't answer, and instead he quickly shows concern and sits down next to you. "You were crying?" He grabs both of your shoulders to pull you closer to himself. "What's wrong?"

"I just missed you a lot..." You tell him half of the truth. "It's been lonely without you..."

Your big brother immediately pulls you into a tight hug. He doesn't speak yet, it always takes him a while to find the right words to comfort you. Instead, his arms only tighten around your body.

"I missed you a lot as well. But did you miss me so bad that it made you cry?" Karasu says while he realizes he's been hugging you a little too tight. "Come on, you're not that much of a sensitive crybaby." He lets out a little chuckle, hoping to cheer you up a bit. He always tries to leave teasing out when he comforts you, but he can't hold himself back most of the time. It's just his love language.

"It's not just that... Some stuff has happened with my friends and-"

Karasu quickly interrupts you as soon as you mention your (not anymore) friends. "Those 'friends' who I've always said are too mediocre to deserve being your friends? I don't wanna say I told you they're bad for you but... I mean, I told you they're bad for you."

"I'm sorry I just-" You stop your own sentence because you quickly notice you don't actually have anything else to say. You just feel bad for not listening to your brother's advice.

"Don't apologize for that," Karasu pulls away from the hug so he can look into your eyes, "Now tell me what those pieces of shit did so I can make them regret it."

Taglist (sign-up link): @starhrtz, @kaineedstherapy12, @zyuuuu, @yerinsshi, @luvcalico, @truegoist, @vanitasbrainrot, @deerangle3, @toruden, @keiidaydreams

#💟 maochira writes #bllk #blue lock #bllk x reader #blue lock x reader #bllk x you #blue lock x you #tabito karasu #karasu tabito #blue lock karasu #bllk karasu #karasu x reader #karasu x you #tabito karasu x reader #tabito karasu x you

[fluffyhare]

Hey friend!

Maybe this has been asked before, but was Avery inspired by anyone? ( ·ิϖ·ิ)

I don't think anyone has ever asked me this on this blog! Honestly, I've tried many times to nail down exactly what inspired Avery, but... I never can, not completely.

This is going to get long, I'm sorry.

I turned 30 last year. It wasn't in a "midlife crisis" or depressive kind of way, but I started thinking a lot about how I wanted the rest of my life to go, and what I wanted out of life that I'd never had a chance to have. I decided that there were two things I really yearned to do -- make art, and make friends. I figured a good place to start dipping my toes in would be Tumblr, since I'd used it in the past and I knew there would be a lot of art here to inspire me. And I was inspired... massively. Especially after I started actually drawing, myself. I started getting more ideas at once than I'd ever had in my life, and it triggered a bout of insomnia I am still dealing with now, almost six months later.

The first time I can remember thinking about Avery was during one such sleepless night, desperately trying to coax myself to sleep. Laying in the dark, I'd close my eyes and imagine leaving my body, floating above my apartment complex. I'd wander around like a ghost, exploring places I'd seen, but which are normally inaccessible... private roads, fenced estates, etc. I'd imagine sitting on the edge of a skyscraper, watching the city move beneath me, imagining what people were doing, why they were up so late, etc.

I imagined this many nights... It became a pet fantasy. When I was a kid, I read a book called Billy the Bird by Dick King-Smith, maybe that's where I got the idea... I don't know. Along with the insomnia were vicious bouts of nostalgia, too, so... It's possible.

But, anyway... I'd get lonely.

I wanted someone to talk to, so I imagined someone sitting with me. Someone who could only come out at night, for fear of being seen. Someone for whom sitting on the edge of a skyscraper was no concern, and who could catch me if I fell. I imagined he was soft, gentle... a good listener, maybe even a bit shy. I imagined he was an intellectual, capable of being quite serious, but never dour. He was quick with a smile, and it was easy to make him laugh.

In some respects, I suppose, he was inspired by a friend of mine, who died many years ago. In most ways, he wasn't like Avery at all -- he was extremely blue-collar, the exact opposite of an intellectual, and very outgoing. He was not refined in any way, and could even be quite reckless, at times. But, he had a unique, gentle, innocent sort of kindness that I've found to be exceedingly rare. To know him was to love him, really; he was a hard worker and a fierce friend, someone who wanted nothing more than to love and be loved. My relationship with him and the way his passing affected me touches everything I make and everything I do, intentional or not.

When I was building Avery's character, I was very fascinated by object heads at the time (particularly Prince Robot from Saga), and I was also seeing a lot art for "doctor/scientist" type characters. Despite never playing the game, I liked TF2 fanart, especially of Medic. I thought about other characters I'd fixated on, too, and what exactly I liked about them... Milo Thatch from Atlantis, Data from Star Trek, John from Homestuck, Sans from Undertale, Stanley and the Narrator from The Stanley Parable, Pokemon professors both Oak and Elm, Nightcrawler from X-Men, Wilson from House, Dr. Bashir from DS9... The list goes on, really.

I know this is kind of a non-answer, and I'm sorry about that. It isn't really a clear answer for me, either. All I can really say for sure is this: Avery is the embodiment of everyone and everything I've ever loved, as well as the reflection of my own self-love. Relatively speaking, we just met, but I feel like he's been here the whole time. I've made so many wonderful friends because of him, too! Can't say what the exact moment was, only that now that he's here, I can't imagine life without him. 💙

[draconscious]

NAME : dan!!

PRONOUNS : he/him

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION : tumblr im. discord. passenger pigeon. I'm very slow sometimes but you should plot with me!!

NAME OF MUSE(s) : clair, cynthia, barry, jupiter/eris + so many mooore (how did it come to this? LMAO)

BEST EXPERIENCE(S) : dedicating this section to both ash (@analuein) and aya (@distortsverity)! ash and I have been writing together for infinity years right here on tumblr. no matter the muse, it's always a blast spinning up plots and watching the magic unfold from there with her. from thorton to violet, to noland and clair. from wildencounters to indie. it's been a fantastic ride. day one. 😎

I transitioned from group rp to indie a few years ago and--at the time--I was all alone. I had no connections, just a lonely barry blog to my name. I wrote drabbles by myself in the dark for two weeks until aya came across my blog with her hikari, and everything just clicked. aya made me feel included, reached out with ideas, plots and feedback, and showed love to barry and all of my muse(s)--and to this day, I still feel TREMENDOUSLY grateful for the helping hand when I felt so isolated. I definitely would not still be writing here without her.

since then, I've had an amazing time here. writing with so many different people, muses, and groups--it's all so good. my best experiences happen when I'm writing (or even plotting) with someone, and everything just works, flows, and fits together and I can just feel that shared excitement. that feeling that we're building a great story together. that's magical. that's why I'm still around, trying new muses, diving headlong into amazing plots/dynamics, letting my imagination run wild, and--as always--writing a lot. much love to EVERYONE who has helped keep that fire burning over the years, but especially ash and aya for giving that flame a chance in the first place. tysm. ❤️

RP PET PEEVES / DEALBREAKERS : it's been said, but--on a personal level--I wish private communication would happen more, specifically when it comes to interest levels. my time is becoming more and more limited here (sad as that is) and I have always written at a slower, longer pace. so, given how fast this place moves, I would appreciate knowing if a thread has grown stale, or if something's off.

I'm flexible. I'd like to think that I'm pretty laid-back. I want you to have fun, and you need to drop or backburner our thread because life, interest, etc. that's okay. I promise. I also don't mind reminders about cold threads or overdue replies on my end. if that's the case, please let me know right away, and I'll pick it back up or let you know my thoughts. we can try new things, or not. just let me know what you'd like to do, and we can adjust from there. that being said, lack of time or muse =/= lack of interest. I get that. you never need to rush a reply with me, and I will always (for better or worse) assume interest is still there unless told otherwise by you. I'm no herlock sholmes. (I wish I was...)

so, as a courtesy, I'd ask to please talk to me if something's wrong. if you feel the need to drop our thread or aren't interested in an interaction and/or want to start fresh. I won't be upset (quote me on that.) I just want to make sure that the writing vibes are still good, and I want to spend my time here writing things that you (and others) are still into. and in the end, it's not really a big deal--this place is great and I adore my past/present/future thread partners--but it's something that I would appreciate!

(also since I haven't made it clear before: no AI with me, please. let's meet at the same level.)

MUSE PREFERENCES: strong women and brash, sunshiney dudes. (I'll really try anyone, but I certainly have types 😊)

PLOTS OR MEMES : whatever's easier for you to get in the door with--c'mon in!! I don't find myself with the time to reblog many memes lately, but my inbox/IMs are always open for spot interactions, and I'll do a lil' starter call here and there!!

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES : I don't mind receiving either, but I always tend to lose myself in the sauce and write a lot oops. you never have to match my length. as long as we're writing together, that's chill enough for me!

BEST TIME TO WRITE : my healthcare job is killing me. I'll try to sneak on for some stuff here and there, but I'm most active during evening/nighttime CST US. confirmed night time scrawler. 🦉

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S) : some common threads linking all of my muses to me is the fact that we always want to be active, we have (too) high expectations of ourselves, we grew up and are still growing up, and we spend too much time working (and loathe it LMAO)

#ooc #(got carried away but this just felt super good 🥰 tldr lets keep having fun!!)

[nicoline1998enilocin]

Off Limits II | The one with the feelings

PAIRING | Steve Rogers x Female!Reader

WORD COUNT | 2K

SUMMARY | You and Steve have been spending more and more time together during training and preparing for missions, which made the feelings you have towards one another only grow. What will happen when you find out these feelings are mutual?

WARNING(S) | This is your official trigger warning. Do not proceed if any of these topics upset you. Use of Readers middle name (Lily) but Tony says Y/N when they're alone.

Likes and reblogs will be very much appreciated 💜

Main Masterlist | Steve Rogers Masterlist | Series masterlist | Part I | Part III

''So, Y/N, tell me how it's going?'' Tony asked during lunch, he invited you to have lunch with him instead of with the others so the two of you could catch up about how it's going. ''It's going better than I expected, honestly. I have been training a lot with everyone and learning a lot from each one of them,'' you say before taking a bite of your sandwich. ''Glad to hear it. Have you made any friends, as well?'' ''Dad, I'm not a little kid anymore!'' you say with a huff, but you tell him Nat and Wanda have been very good to you, and the three of you hang out sometimes outside of training and stuff. Bucky has been nice to you, the two of you have bonded over the fact that you love to read, as well as your mutual interest in science fiction and other nerdy stuff. The other Avengers are also being nice to you, they make sure you work hard but are also fun to hang out with.

You don't tell him the fact that you and Steve have been getting closer the last few weeks, because you're not entirely sure how you feel about it - about him. You have never had romantic feelings for anyone, so you wouldn't know what that would feel like, but it's not like you can ask your dad something like that. You love him dearly, but that is just not something you'd do. However, you don't exactly feel like there is someone else who you could discuss stuff like that with, and for a few moments, it does make you feel quite lonely when you think about it. ''Are you okay?'' Tony asks, snapping you out of your thoughts, ''Yeah sorry, just a little tired is all,'' you say with a little smile, feeling bad about lying to him. ''I've been pretty busy lately, but I'll be okay,'' you say before finishing lunch.

When both you and your dad finished your lunch, you get up and give him a big hug, ''Thanks for having me for lunch, Dad, it means the world!'' you say and Tony grips you just a little tighter, trying to take in as much as he can before his little girl walks away again, into the real world. ''I love you, darling, never forget that,'' he said getting a little emotional all of a sudden. ''I love you too Dad, don't you ever forget that too,'' you say before you let go and plant a kiss on his cheek. These moments were very rare these days, but that doesn't mean you enjoy them any less when they happen, you cherish every last one of them. ''Oh, before I forget, don't forget about the party Saturday night!'' he said before you opened the door, ''Wouldn't dream of not going!'' you said. You always enjoy your dad's parties, they're usually a lot of fun and the Avengers get into a lot of weird antics.

''Lily, wait!'' you hear behind you, and at first, it doesn't register they're talking to you, but when they say it again, you finally figure out they mean you. ''Yeah, sorry. I was lost in my thoughts...'' you try to explain when you see Bucky coming your way. ''Are you okay?'' you ask him, his face flushed and breathing a little heavy, ''Yeah, fine. Came from the gym,'' he said, but now that he was standing in front of you, he wasn't sure what he wanted to say anymore. ''I- uh, would you-, no... Uhm, Lily, do you want maybe go to Tony's party with me this Saturday? As my... date?'' he asked unsurely, this is a side you've never seen of him. ''It would be my honor!'' you say to him, but what you say next is probably going to break his heart. ''I know this may sound weird, but we're going as friends, right?'' you asked in a small, soft voice.

''Oh yeah, no! We're going as friends, don't worry. I have a girlfriend actually, but she can't come to the party so I was wondering if you wanted to be my date, just for the evening. She knows I am going to ask you and is fine with it, don't worry about that!'' he said with a smile and you felt relieved. ''Oh, okay. I'm glad she's aware of it. In that case, I'd love to be your date for the evening, Buck. Looking forward to it!'' you say and give him a smile and a pat on his shoulder before continuing the way to your bedroom. ''I'll pick you up at 7!'' he said to you and all you could do was laugh a little, you have never been asked to a party, even as friends. When you're at your door, you see Steve in the hallway and wave at him, and he waves back at you with a smile that appeared when he saw you.

Your heart started beating a little faster and you felt butterflies in your stomach, but you still couldn't figure out why... Surely it isn't because of Steve, right? He's just friendly to you, so why do you feel like this? You just finished washing your hands after going to the bathroom when you heard someone knocking on your door. ''Lily, can I come in?'' Steve asks through the door and you invite him in. ''Hi,'' you say with a soft voice, a little flush appearing on your face at the sight of him. You needed to stop this before it got out of hand. ''Do you happen to have a date to Tony's party Saturday? I've been wanting to ask you but haven't seen you for a few days, so I thought I'd ask you now,'' he said and sat down on the couch in your room.

You sat down next to him, saying ''Actually, I do. Bucky asked me to be his date for the evening Saturday, his girlfriend couldn't make it so he asked me to be his date instead. He told me she knows, so I said yes. I'm so sorry Steve, if I know you wanted to go, I wouldn't have said yes to him...'' you say, your voice slowly trailing off. ''Oh,'' is all Steve could say, he was hoping you didn't have a date, and now he was too late. Even if the two of you were going as friends, it still stung a little bit, he was planning on telling you about his feelings that evening if you would have said yes to him. ''It's okay. I'm sorry, I have to go,'' he said and quickly walked out of the room, embarrassed.

You decide to text Nat to see if she wants to go and look for a dress for the party, that way you had the chance to talk about what just happened too. Maybe you could confide in her about your feelings, it might be good to talk to someone after all.

Y/N: Hey Nat, are you busy Friday? I'm hoping we could go dress shopping for the party Saturday

Nat: Hell yes! Wanda too, or just us?

Y/N: She can come too. Thanks!

~ Friday afternoon ~

''So, what kind of dress were you looking for?'' Nat asked, Wanda was already looking through some dresses but was listening too. ''I don't know. I was maybe thinking forest green. I like the way it looks with my hair when I wear it.'' you say, and so the hunt begins. It doesn't take long before all three of you find your dresses. Yours is dark green with lace down to the floor, Nat went for a classic nude piece, and Wanda went for a red dress to compliment Vision, who would be her date for the party. ''Time to get some food, now!'' Wanda says and you happily go to a little café where all three of you can give a bit of girl talk before going back to the Compound.

''So, Lily, who are you going with?'' Wanda informs, looking at you contently. ''Well, Bucky asked me to be his date as his friend, because his girlfriend can't attend that evening. But the weird thing is that Steve asked me later as well, but when I told him Bucky asked me he stormed out of the room and I haven't seen him since... Do you guys think it was something I did?'' and the both of them let out a little laugh after sharing a short look. ''Sweetheart, didn't you know he has feelings for you? Like, romantic ones?'' Nat said, but your eyes grew wide as saucers. ''No...?'' you said in a low voice, feeling embarrassed now, you didn't know what to do with that information. On the one hand, you're glad he has the same feelings, but on the other hand, you feel bad about rejecting him now.

''It is SUPER obvious how he feels about you, didn't you notice that he was flirting with you for the last few weeks?!'' Wanda said and Nat couldn't help but wonder too. ''Honestly, no, because I've never had someone interested in me like that. I didn't know he was flirting with me, but I feel so stupid now.'' your eyes get a little teary as your cheeks and neck turn a deep crimson color. ''Well, now you know. And judging by the look on your face, it wouldn't be too far off to say you feel the same way,'' Nat told you, and she was right. ''Well, I-, I don't know. These are feelings I've never had before, Steve is honestly the first person I've ever been having these kinds of feelings for. Like, my heart beats faster when I see him, I feel butterflies in my stomach, I always get a little shy when he's around me, except when talking about work...'' you tell them and they quickly assure you that what you feel, are very romantic feelings for him.

''You know what, I'm gonna go talk to Bucky and see if he wants to switch dates, that way you can still ask if Steve wants to go, how about that? I don't have anyone to go with anyway, so it's worth a shot!'' Nat offered and you agreed, although you do feel bad for Bucky, you were looking forward to going to the party with him. ''As long as Bucky is okay with it, I will ask Steve, I don't want to hurt his feelings too,'' you tell her and Nat says she will take of it. When you're back in the Compound, it doesn't take long for Nat to let you know Bucky agreed, and you can ask Steve. ''FRIDAY, can you tell me where Captain Rogers is?'' you ask and she points you towards his room. You walk over there on softly knock on his door.

''Come in!'' you hear, and when you open the door you see Steve sitting on the windowsill with his sketchbook and a pencil, busy drawing something. ''Hi, I'm sorry to bother you,'' you start and he quickly looks up. ''Oh, Lily hey, I thought you were Bucky, I'm sorry,'' he says and he gets flustered. ''Speaking of him, it turns out I'm not going to the party tomorrow with him after all, so I was wondering if your offer still stands?'' you said and walked closer to him, trying to see what he was drawing. He quickly closed his sketchbook and stood up, laying it down so he could look at you. ''It would be my honor to go with you, Lily,'' he said and he pulled you in for a hug, one he has been wanting to get for a few days now. ''I'll pick you up at 7,'' he said before you let go and walk out of his room with a big smile on your face. Steve returned to his drawing, continuing to draw you with the smile he fell for a few weeks ago.

#steve rogers #steve rogers x female reader #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers x reader #captain america

[femmefatalevibe]

Hey, I need some advice. How do you deal with loneliness (not in a romantic sense)? To be fair, I'm very confident in myself. I've been on my own since I was 10, I've had friends, but everyone's been temporary. They come and they go. Nobody's stayed with me longer than 3 months tops, and I've never trusted anyone enough. The only ones that have stayed are online friends, but they have their own lives and their own friends, so they're hardly online.

I've always been okay with being alone. I like and enjoy spending time with myself most of the time. But rarely (it's happening more often lately), I get this crushing feeling of loneliness that just ends up with me staring at my ceiling.

I never feel like I connect with people. I always think there's someone they're better friends with. If I consider someone my best friend, then I'm sure they don't see me the same way. There's always someone who's a better friend than I am. It's suffocating, and I hate this feeling. I'm always watching friends tag each other on stories and post pictures of them hanging out. I like staying at home, I prefer to read than to talk to someone nonstop.

If I say "I don't have friends," then everyone takes offense, and they'll say, "I thought we were friends," but then those people won't speak unless I speak to them first or hang out with me. I sit in groups and don't even try to fit in because they'll find someone to replace me with, so what's the point. I can't make friends with juniors at university because they're already in their own friend groups. Seniors are about to graduate. People in my semester think I'm too cold and intimidating, that I keep people at a distance, which is true. There aren't many clubs at uni that are interesting, so I can't do that either.

Hi love! I'm sorry to hear that this chronic loneliness and self-isolation putting you in this negative headspace. Totally makes sense! Know that you're not alone in having this feeling – so many of us get lonely even if we don't admit it to other people. Consider these two thoughts when evaluating your friendship history and status to make more intentional future decisions regarding these types of relationships:

Are you more afraid of someone getting to know you and potentially hurting you due to this vulnerability, or are you more afraid to be alone forever? You need to decide for yourself which risk is more worth taking, personally – no one else can decide this.

Why are you cutting off potential connections because their personal friendship webs look different than yours? We all have different day-to-day lives, interests, hobbies, career paths, social histories, etc. It is okay for someone you consider to be a best friend in your mind to think of you as a close friend. While you want to gauge how close they feel to you to ensure you're not oversharing and potentially having your secrets exposed or overwhelming them, it is perfectly fine to find a connection more enriching than someone else. The older you get, the more you realize that others can have stronger connections with others purely based on their pasts, lifestyles, and future goals – as long as they're trustworthy, integral, and positive people, there's no reason to write these people off as not good enough because you're not mutually "best friends." This is such a high school-level mentality.

Saying you "don't have friends" is best saved for a therapist's office. These negative comments are unproductive and will drive others away. Try to add a positive comment to a conversation you find engaging, open up and relax your body language, and show genuine interest in your conversation when you're enjoying them. Try to find clubs outside of school if university ones aren't of interest – like a local informal sports league, a book club, find a study group, or search meetup groups in your area for college students/young adults in your areas of interest.

Whether you have all of the friends in the world or find yourself only socializing with a screen all day, it is never too late to get out there and make incremental changes to your social life if that's what you desire. Don't give up on yourself.

Hope this helps xx

#making friends #friend advice #friendship #interpersonal relationships #socializing #social skills #self concept #confidence #loa success #inner work #communication skills #body language #femme fatale #dark femininity #it girl #queen energy #dream girl #level up #higher self #high value mindset #high value woman #self awareness #self improvement #self help #self healing #healingjourney #femmefatalevibe #female excellence #female power #girl blogging

[aroaceconfessions]

im aroacespec and already out to all my friends. i used to also be pretty physically affectionate with my friends and its never been uncomfortable for me or them to initiate things such as hand holding or cuddling. lately though I've haven't been initiating anything and been growing more uncomfortable with physical contact with one of my friends and i kinda feel like im growing apart from them just in general. they got a romantic partner a while ago and they're happy, so im glad for them and such, but also i can't help but feel like im just kind of a third wheel these past few times we've hung out in which their partner was also involved. their partner is also partly the reason why im not as affectionate since im not sure how my friend and their partner feels about me showing affection physically, so even something so simple as resting my head on their shoulder, i no longer do because i dont know if its crossing a boundary, and also i dont know their partner so well, so im a little uncomfortable around them.

my friend is also very affectionate physically with their partner when im there, which i dont have too much of a problem with, but there are times when im kind of uncomfortable with it because i start to feel like a third wheel as i said. i understand that since they're in a relationship thats only normal for them to show affection for each other like that, but there are also times in which i feel like my friend just kinda doesn't notice or doesn't pay attention to how im feeling as much as they do their partner. there was once a moment in which we were hanging out, my friend, their partner and i with some more people and someone pointed out how i looked uncomfortable and lonely and how my friend wasn't paying much attention to me to which i brushed it off with a joke but internally i was panicking because i didnt want to seem needy.

i have hung out with a different friend and their partner before only once, and in that case i thought it went a lot smoother and i wasn't uncomfortable at all and even made fast friends with my friend's partner and i felt like i could be more of my genuine self around them. i have only hung out with this friend and their partner once and I did not feel left out for even a moment that I was with them for that whole day. i also look forward to hanging out with the two of them someday again because it was truly that nice and comfortable!

In the first case i mentioned, I've felt left out and uncomfortable at some point each time. i don't know how or if i would ever bring this up to someone without sounding as if im whiny. its one of those situations where i feel like once a friend gets into a relationship, the friendships sre devalued, but in that second scenario with my other friend and their partner, i did not feel that way once. so i don't know if maybe there's something wrong with me or if its the situation with the first friend.

i dont want my friend to end their relationship obviously if they are happy but sometimes i wish I felt that same level of comfort around them that i used to years ago. i can speak openly with them about a number of topics still but when it comes to talking about my discomforts or being affectionate with them, i feel as if im walking on eggshells. even that feels wrong to say because i can't be walking on eggshells if I've said nothing at all to my friend about it. sorry if this is too ranty, i just dont know if its something that is wrong with me or if im right to feel this way. I'd appreciate if anyone could give some tips or have experienced something similar?

#aromantic #asexual #aroace #aspec #aro #ace #arospec #acespec #arose #friends #friendship #intimacy

[fox-bright]

Right after Easter, twenty years ago this month, my mentor sent me a one-way ticket to Pittsburgh, PA, and saved my life.

I'd been more or less disowned a year and a half before--my mother threw me out on the ninth of September, 2001--and I was drowning in sand. I am not a creature of the desert, even if I was raised there, and my hometown was not a loving place for almost anyone to be. And while multiple friends and coworkers had by that point felt it necessary to stop me when I was idly talking about my week and say you know, you don't have to accept this treatment. You know, I believe she loves you, or thinks she does, but that's not GOOD ENOUGH when she treats you like she does, I hadn't yet really come to accept that my mother is who she is. I was miserable, and lonely, and not even allowed to visit  my siblings unless Mom was there, because "I don't know what you'd talk to them about, and I don't think you're righteous."

(I might, it's true, have talked to them about how I was queer. I was more likely to have talked to them about Final Fantasy or something, but I guess we'll never know.)

Mom threw me out when I was nearly nineteen. At twenty, Diane sent me a plane ticket. Her voice down the phone--I'd never heard it before, in the years that I'd been part of the young writer's forum she moderated, the internet back then was mostly text--was warm and gentle and peaceable. I found a room for you, she said. I have friends who can help you get a job. She sent me a Greyhound ticket to Phoenix (along with thirteen dollars in cash, because you could pay extra and give the recipient up to half the value of the ticket) and a plane ticket from Sky Harbor to PIT. I was scared and unsure, but I was so, so tired of being hungry. So tired of not knowing for sure where I was going to sleep next week. And sick at heart from my mother's behavior ("Did you sleep with him?" she asked me, about my fiance; when I quietly but unashamedly said I had, she pulled me forty feet by my braid, her acrylic fingernails digging bleeding grooves into my scalp that ached for months, scars I probably still have). I'd been so comprehensively heartbroken already that I didn't know how I'd survive it, and the trick to surviving suicidality is, do anything else. Even if it means you leave your whole life behind.

And I knew I'd miss my siblings, but fuck, I missed them already, so what the hell.

I got on the bus. I got on the plane. I touched down in the aftermath of a late snowstorm, and I didn't have a coat, and the air felt sharp and tasted like clouds. And Diane was there, smiling, and she started talking and didn't stop until she'd deposited me in my new home.

And then, having gotten me to Pittsburgh, she gave me everything. Took me to this meetup and that interesting park, introduced me to everyone she knew, constantly finagled and jostled and gently prodded me through anxiety and discomfort and into growth and learning and maturity. She took me to doctors and the dentist, which my mother had neglected or denied me when I begged (I was twenty the first time I ever went to a dentist; that's four or five solid years after I started telling my mother that I really needed to see one). She took me shopping for work clothes, and made suggestions about styling and my hair that would help child-sized, baby-faced me look a little more formidable. She didn't, ever, overstep; she always seemed magically to know when it was time to let go and watch me baby-stumble for a while until my feet were steady under me. I was such a very young twenty, half-feral, poorly-socialized and just about absolutely ignorant of how people should behave, and she never once made me feel ashamed of myself.

I've been thinking about this a lot this week. Twenty years. Half my life, just about precisely. All the things I've gotten to do since then--travel; take up a martial art and train and train until I competed on the national level; become an artist's model in paintings all over the world; perform lion dance for a ballet with the love of my life literally supporting me, throwing me into the air; learn to garden and to preserve my own food and to quilt and crochet and put up drywall and take down ancient varnish and unfreeze a pipe and make sourdough bread from starter and so, so many other things--I've gotten to do because of her. Because if she hadn't gotten me out of Cottonwood, within six months I would have been dead.

I love my life. I've had a lot of grief, in twenty years; lost a baby, lost friends to illness or just bad luck, lived with a boyfriend who was the very definition of psychotic and who burned my life down around my ears, chose other partners who weren't what I deserved, until I learned to require the right things. But I worked in my garden today under an unseasonably hot sun, moving wood-chip mulch with a wagon--

--okay, so the garden, right, and the mulch. I wanted this house because of its garden; I spend a lot of time in it, through much of the year. I grow a lot of food and a lot of flowers, and the air is full of birds all day and fireflies all night. Last year the next-door-neighbor on our left had tree people in to take down a couple of trees, and I looked at the deep dumptruckful of fresh tree chips and I wanted it. I knew that a lot of the time tree services have to pay to dump their wood chips somewhere else, and that they find it tedious. And I thought, Diane would just walk on over there, and say hi-ii  the way that she does, and ask for it. Diane would just smile, and--

I raised my chin, and I walked over, and I gave my winningest smile, and I said Hi-ii, I'm Gen, I live right there in the house with the blue roof, and I was wondering, do you guys want a place to dump all that? and fifteen minutes later I had a couple of tons of premium hardwood chip mulch behind my house. I've been transporting it to various places in the garden since, scoop by scoop with a shovel and my little black wagon, and have thickly covered a couple of hundred feet worth of beds so far. I put twenty wagon-loads up front of the house today, making twenty or thirty feet of new garden bed for native pollinator plants to go into in three weeks, and the whole time I was literally singing with how good my life is, how lucky I am, to have my husband, to have my home, to have a place that has kept me safe, to have learned so many things, to live somewhere that I get to experiment and watch things grow and produce baskets and baskets of food from a handful of seeds. Because of work and lessons and effort and continuing to put one foot ahead of the other, yes, I've worked hard to get here. But ultimately--because of Diane.

I don't really know what good parents are like. Dad is a word that means "hurts you and hurts you and hurts you and then disappears," and Mom is a word that means "will eat your heart from the inside and complain the whole time about the taste." But because of Diane...because of her, I do understand, a little.

#my actual life #fox writes #it is good to mark time for the good things and not just the sad ones

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

180 degrees longitude passes through us - Episode 8 (The Final)

Or how I call it: 180 ways of feeling pain...

The finale probably left us all somewhat disturbed, sad, in despair, or even dissatisfied. I, for example, still wonder where exactly the catharsis is supposed to be that was talked about beforehand. In parts, I can see it in Wang. After venting out his pain, anger and sadness, he can now look forward. He is aware that time is on his side. And at the same time, that's one of the most desperate statements I've ever heard. However, as the daughter of a toxic father, I can understand him so well. Sometimes you learn very late in life what you really want and that you should be in charge of your own life. Some people can live this out and others are prevented by social norms or other circumstances from living their own lives. It took me a long time to understand that I was not born to fulfill someone else's demands or expectations. Wang understood this at 22, but still he is trapped in this world. He can't leave Mol because he is trapped by her and can't escape her (yet). Wang has grown up with her, has assimilated her manipulations and the feelings of guilt live very actively in him.

In - a broken character. In was my heart bearer throughout the entire journey. I have seen many posts where he is hated for not responding, for lethargically accepting everything and yes that is frustrating, but even though people can change, it often does not happen overnight. It is a process. In is locked in his own thought prison. He has his internalised homophobia; he hates himself for the wounds he did to Mol and Wang and especially Siam. The guilt is really eating away at him. It has been drilled into him that his love is wrong and not normal. So much that at one point he believed it himself. He couldn't open up to Siam, whom he certainly loved more than anything, and can't change for or because of Wang. He grew up in a generation that was not as open to homosexuality as today's. You see this over and over again in the character of Mol. Her views are outdated and conservative. And you have to remember, In is her generation.

He lives love in theory. He has understood it in theory, but cannot see beyond thinking about it philosophically. But what is the use of love in thought? So In remains lonely. Not able to articulate his feelings for Wang and that, although he otherwise knows something to say about everything. But as before, when he has revealed too much of himself or let Wang get too close, he falls silent. Not only does his mouth go silent, it's as if his entire body falls silent. It becomes incredibly clear how he is trapped in his mind, almost punishing himself for being so close to Wang. A life of self-flagellation. The secluded life he leads is also a form of self-punishment. I find it hard to believe that he has ever felt physical and emotional closeness to anyone. He learned early on that his love is a danger, to himself but even more so to others. His love or love for him brings pain. So he closed himself off to it and that belief is so deeply ingrained in him. Wang may have shown him that he is loved, that he is desired, but on the other shoulder sat Mol with her views and confirmed In in his thinking that he is wrong, that he is not normal and that he is to blame for Siam dying and Wang no longer having a father and her not being able to experience a happy love. In is a deeply desperate character and I feel for him. I don't hate him and the ending came as no surprise. His inability to act or love and forgive himself was made clear early on. I would have liked a better ending for him. I would have at least hoped for him to cross that fucking bridge. If not with Wang waiting at the other end, then at least alone, as a kind of forgiveness and the beginning of healing and self-love. But we were denied that, because that's not how it works most of the time. People remain in their cages, trapped in their spirals of thought and hurt, unable to see beyond their own wounds. And that is human. Wang has made it abundantly clear that there will be no chance for In. He will never be able to talk about his feelings, because to articulate his feelings is to make them real. If you don't articulate something, it doesn't become true. He didn't even express that Siam was in love with him. He could not express it, because then he would not have been able to hide from the truth of those words. However, because of Wang, this illusion was shattered. You saw it in episode 7, how much it took his breath away when Wang spoke the truth, put it on the table like an open wound. If In had spoken out how he felt about Wang, he wouldn't have been able to go back to his little prison. The truth would be out there and his heart would be present as an open wound for all to see. Only by not expressing it he can protect himself and in his mind also Wang. Because as mentioned before, nothing good comes from his love, only sorrow and pain and he can't do that to Wang. Just as he could not do it to Siam without understanding that his love could have been the healing, but that is not the path In has chosen. He has chosen to believe that his love is evil.

Mol. I can't find anything good about her character. Is she a good mother? I think she thinks so. She thinks she is doing everything for her son and knows what is best for him. She projects so much of her feelings and desires onto Wang, which she associates with Siam. Is her love not enough? Can't she be enough for Wang? Why does it have to be In, of all people? Wang is the image of his father. In was overwhelmed by this fact and was once again driven into an emotional spiral of self-loathing and despair. What should Mol do then? She loved Siam and became desperate at his rejection of her. On the one hand, she gave Wang away, pushed him aside, and on the other hand, she made him so dependent on herself and her opinion that he could not get away from her emotionally. Even his brief rebellion she stamps down by making him feel guilty. Alone, Wang cannot win the battle against her. I'm not saying she did everything with full consciousness. Toxic and narcissistic people sometimes act intuitively. They know what buttons to push to get the best result for themselves. Toxic parents do not see their behavior as bad or wrong, because they only see their own point of view. They cannot put themselves in their children's shoes. They are not aware that they are causing pain through their behavior. They also don't realize that this behavior can lead to a rupture in the end until it is too late. And then they themselves are not to blame, because they always wanted only the best for their child. The child is ungrateful or has changed negatively. And Mol has not shown a bit of change during the whole time. Her views towards homosexuals have not changed just because her son is gay. She continues to think In is disgusting. She did give Wang a hug when he broke down, but even that didn't feel right to me. As an emotionally unavailable mother with narcissistic tendencies, she is there when her son is in pain, but not when he tells her he is in love. She can only be there for him when he is sad, when he needs her. If he is happy, there is a danger that he will drift away, that he might leave her. Her greatest fear. But if he is hurt, then she feels needed. Then she can give him the closeness he wants so much. The fact that she is so negative towards his love for In leaves a bitter taste in my mouth in this scene, because she has won. Wang has come to her to cry by her side, to sleep in her bed and not with In. She emerges from the ring as the winner at the expense of everyone else.

I would have so much liked to see a real conversation between the two. One in which Mol at least takes the first step to change her view. Instead, the next day we see the same excited person she was before. She walks the same path as she did before. She simply ignores the giant pink elephant in the room. Ignorance is her greatest strength. Because again, if you don't talk about it, it's no longer true. If you don't accept it, it's not true. Still, the relationship between her and Wang has changed. She may continue to pretend they are a sworn team, she the cool mom and he the obedient son, but Wang is now just waiting until an opportunity presents itself for him to escape her clutches. In was not the way, but time is on Wang's side, his time will come. And Mol will not change. As long as she tries to compare Wang to Siam and lock him up so he won't run away from her, she can't find healing. It's not just that she hasn't gotten over Siam's death, she hasn't gotten over being rejected by him, that her love wasn't accepted. Her love was not enough. And I don't think she can find that healing without professional help. But for that, she would first have to recognize and realize that her actions are unhealthy for herself and for others. And toxic parents with narcissistic dispositions rarely do that. She will not be able to put her past behind her by trying to ignore and repress everything. But that is her path. And on this path, in the end, there is no more room for Wang. She will realize that sooner or later, but then it will be too late and she will be all alone.

Wang. My brave little Wang. He is fighting a desperate battle to be heard. His time will come. But when? When Mol is dead? Can his chains be broken sooner? Until he is ready to break with Mol and escape the cycle of guilt so as not to end up like In, he will remain locked up in Bangkok, by Mol's side. Of course, he goes into the rest of his life with different attitudes than In. Wang has accepted the fact that he loves men and sees it as normal. Something that In cannot do. Wang articulates his needs, he makes things real by expressing them, and he is not afraid to do so. And yet, he is not free. He goes back to Bangkok together with Mol and he doesn't know when he will leave this city again. This is the most desperate thing of the whole series. It lived on Wang dreaming of traveling from north to south, experiencing something, leaving his realms, and yet he's stuck there. So when can Wang be free? In his mind, he already is. And yet his mother's watchful hand hovers over him. Growing up with such a person shapes you. It is indeed realistic for him to return with her and stay with her. One feels responsible for the other person, for their happiness and peace of mind. At least until you realize that you are not responsible for it, that the person only has it in his own hands. Shit, it took me so many years to understand that I'm not responsible for other people's happiness if it means giving myself up in the process. And even then, the process of cutting the cord is far from done. Understanding it still doesn't mean that you can escape the spiral of guilt so easily.

Mol, not realizing that her actions will do more harm than good, will not change. Wang will be permanently hurt by her. And in the end, it's up to him to decide what his relationship with his mother will be. I just hope that he will not stop listening to his intuition. While the older generation try to undermine their intuition and ignore everything that could be, not to speak it out, so not to let it come true, Wang wanted nothing more than to do exactly that. But every fighter has his limits. I hope Mol doesn't destroy Wang further on his way to his true self. Even if Wang is strong, everyone can only take a certain amount of hits before going down. Yes, you have to bleed before it gets better, because you're constantly learning and falling flat on your face, but that doesn't just apply to the younger generation. I can now talk to my father about his toxic behavior. That doesn't mean he'll change it, because it's too ingrained in him, but he understands better that I too have needs and can be hurt by words or actions. I think that's an improvement already. The ending of the series, on the other hand, is so unsatisfying. It makes it seem like there is no hope. Wang can't be free until his mother is dead or he cuts her off so she can no longer imprison him. In will never be free because his wounds are too deep and can't be healed nor does he want to. Mol will not change and will continue to suppress everything that does not suit her.

As mentioned at the beginning, I am still looking for the catharsis.

Realistic or not. The end is devastating and for me so negatively drawn, even if Wang will get over In. For me, that was not the point of this story either. It's the struggle to be yourself, to love freely, to be understood, to be forgiven, to be loved. At least that's what I thought. In the end I remain hopeless.

What remains at the bitter end? I give you the world.

In gives Wang the book on the philosophical theory of love. It is a part of him. The philosophy, the theoretical love, these are parts of In that he will give to Wang (I really had the unrealistic idea for a brief moment that he's going to say bring it back to me when you're done reading, but well....). The book represents the most emotional part of In. He loves philosophy and that is something that will bond the two of them forever.

Wang, on the other hand, gives him the world. If he can't leave his own prison, he should at least be able to hold the world in his hands and dream about it. And that is something that Wang loves more than anything. Not only this little globe in particular as a gift from his father, but also the freedom it embodies. It is Wang's most emotional possession. It is his heart that he leaves with In and at the same time it is a connection to Siam. Since Wang has found his father within himself on this journey, he can pass it on without remorse, and now In has something to remind him of the two big loves of his life.

#180 degree longitude passes through us #180 dlptu #180 degree longitude passes through us ep 8 #josi watching bl #just my thoughts #this was so hard to watch #thai bl #thai series #thai drama #bl series #bl drama #I still love this series! but it now has a bitter aftertaste

[gigglesthehyena]

THIS INTERACTION NEEDS TO HAPPEN! POOR SIMON!

Simon needs a hug! And I'm glad I finally got to hug him and tell him what he needs to hear! I also got to help him and the little girl from earlier make up. She needed to understand his perspective.

Here's the transcript if you can't read the text:

Me: "You aren't a burden at all. Besides, someone needs to remind you if what a good guy you are." I grinned."And I wanna do that."

Simon: "I...I guess I'd like that. I mean, I wouldn't mind trying to be a good guy again... I guess. He sighs."I guess I needed someone to tell me things like that."

Me: "You were never bad to begin with, haha. Like I said, that one incident with that kid can easily be fixed if you two just talk it out, though I can help with that. I'll explain what went on."

Simon: "That would actually be really helpful. I've been so stuck in my own head lately, and it feels like everyone hates me, or at least thinks I'm not good. It'd be nice to finally have someone stand up for me, someone who sees me for who I am and is willing to back me up."

Me: "Yeah." I heard a knock on the door and the voice of a child asking about her book. "That must be her. I'll just tell her I'm a friend of yours if that's ok."

Simon: "That's definitely okay. I don't even know how many people know about me being up here, honestly. But I appreciate your kindness."

I nodded with a smile and opened the door.

Astrid: "Hello?" A girl's voice calls out. "Is anyone in here?" I just want my book back, please!!"

Me: "Yeah. Uh, kid, what are you doing out here alone? Do your parents know you're here?" I asked.

Astrid: "My parents let me come! I just wanted to see the exhibit by myself, that's all!" She responds "I just want my book back!"

Me: "Okay." I stepped aside and let her get the book put of the trash. "Hey, I wanna ask you something before you go."

Astrid: She looks up at HuBurey, her blue eyes full of curiosity. ""What is it?" she asks,.

Me: "Did you say that man used to be Ice King?

Astrid: "Yeah, he's the Ice King," the girl responded with a nod. "He's weird, though, he doesn't act the same. He's boring."

Me: "That isn't very nice. I actually think he's pretty cool once you get to know him."

Astrid: "Hm? Did you know him before he was just the boring old man'?" She asks, sounding skeptical.

Me: "I knew him before he was Ice King, and this is how he was before that. He was happy and had a fiance. He isn't boring at all. Plus, being Ice King isn't fun at all. It was a curse from a crown that turned him into the wizard that wrote your book, and while it may have seemed fun or cool to have ice powers, it came at a cost. Magic always comes with a price, and his was not being in control of his own actions. Ice King was insane, lonely, and unhappy. He didn't even know why, either. It's just not right to say someone is better off being cursed and insane. He wasn't himself. His fiance freed him from the curse but ultimately sacrificed herself, because she loves Simon as he is, not Ice King, not a wizard, but a human And right now, Simon is himself again. He may seem boring to you, but I promise you that he's not. He's just sad, because he misses the love of his life and he doesn't fit into this new world. I mean, you would be sad, too, if you were a prince who lost his princess. He really needs a friend, and calling him boring really hurt his feelings. I mean, why not try to get to know him?"

Astrid: "Woah!" The girl looks genuinely shocked at this new information. It's like everything she befieved about his past had been flipped upside down. "....I guess I just assumed that being Ice King made him cool. But hearing you explain things like that.. yeah. He is a lot different, and it does hurt a little to see him like this. I don't know. Maybe I could be a friend, if he doesn't mind?" 

Me: "Yeah. He could use a friend, and besides, you could have a lot of fun with him. If you ever heard of Marceline, a popular rockstar and a vampire queen, you would love to know that he raised her, and she found him pretty fun. He was more of a dad to her than her own father. He also has friends in Ooo, too. We love Simon That's his name, by the way. He doesn't like to be called Ice King. Just Simon will do. I'm sure he didn't mean to throw your book away earlier. He was having a panic attack, because his time being cursed really traumatized him. Do you know what ptsd is?"

Astrid: "I-Yeah.I've heard of it. It's when someone has experienced something really traumatic. It can cause someone to constantly think about that experience. It really affects their daily life. Is that what Ice King has? Because it makes a lot of sense.."

Me: "Yes, and he suffers from that. Like imagine having your body change over time while slowly losing your mind and forgetting who you are only to wake up a thousand years later. I don't think anyone would be the same after that. No one deserves to go through that."

Astrid: "No, they don't. Man, I feel bad for judging him like that. I can see why he was feeling terrible about himself. That sounds like it'd be terrifying. I hope he's not mad at me.."

Me: "No, he isn't mad at you. In fact, he feels bad about making you cry earlier. He was just having a ptsd moment when he saw that Fionna and Cake story. He doesn't want to be associated with Ice King or anything that has to do with it. He can't even be around ice because it makes him relive the moment he lost his mind and body to that crown. You know. Simon is a really great guy. That's why his fiance jumped into the future and became GOLB to save him. He just needs someone to remind him that he's good and deserving of love,

Astrid: "Dang..I didn't think about that. So like.. if Ice King hurt someone, would it be possible that Simon still feels bad about it?"

Me: "Yes, and I do remind him that he wasn't in control at the time, but he just has such a big heart that he can't stop feeling bad about it. But that's what makes him a good person. He deserves a big hug."

Astrid: "Okay!" The girl nods, and walks up to Simon who's sitting down in the corner. She wraps her arms around his back and gives him a tight hug, causing Simon to look stunned for a moment, but slowly retuming her hug back.

I couldn't hep but smile at this touching moment.

Astrid: "H-How long has it been since you've had a hug from someone?" The girl asks him gently, still hugging him tightly. And he looks so down.

Simon: Simon sighs, hanging his head. "...I guess a really, really long time. I don't think anyone's done that in years..or may be decades. It's really nice.." He chuckles, "Sorry if I got a little emotional, I really didn't expect a hug...especially from you."

I joined the hug.

And for a moment, the three shared a hug together. The girl, seemingly now willing to give the ice wizard another chance. And Simon, relieved that someone was finally showing compassion for him after so long.

#simon petrikov #adventure time

[galactic-pirates]

Writing asks: 11, 22, and 31, please!

Thank you so much for the ask!!

11) Three tropes that are fine but overrated Hmm this is a hard question because first the instant anyone asks me to name things like tropes - head empty, no thoughts. Total brain fail. Second, I don't know, I don't like to judge things. This is how I wound up writing Time Will Tell (Sanctuary Soulmates fic) because I never liked the Soulmates trope. So I challenged myself to see if I could write a version I liked and I did.

If a trope is 'overrated' is that less the problem of the trope, and more just the versions being read? Not everything can be to everyone's taste. One person's absolute favourite fic, can be somebody else's 'backspace, run far away', or just 'meh'.

I've been enjoying rambling about the romance tropes that purlturtle picked for the bracket lately. There are some there, that just are not my thing at all. Does that make them overrated? It means they aren't for me.

I'm sorry this doesn't really answer the question but it's the only answer I feel like I have.

22) What is it about watching the same two idiots falling in love over and over again? I touched on this actually in one of my recent rambles on the bracket. I think I was talking about soulmates and fate, and saying that I didn't like it because love is a choice, and it takes work. Thank Eve Baird for saying that real love is hard and that's how you know it's real. But I do love those two quotes about (paraphrased) "no matter the universe I would find you, and choose you" and "I hope in every world there's an us" and it's sort of like that with the infinite ways the OTP can be together. It's transcendent. It's like that multi-verse spanning love in action. Sort of 'proving' how right they are for each other because they just fit. It doesn't matter if it's canon or AU, canon-divergent etc. Some things are just meant to be.

In other words it's comforting. Bringing order to the chaos of the universe. Saying that in this corner all is well because these two (or three) idiots have each other.

31) What was the most difficult fic for you to write (but in the end you made it)? I think I have a "kill it with fire", it's awful, it's unfixable, I can't do this, I'm fed up, I don't want to, I hate it etc. moment with most fics - or at least the longer ones. Although short fics can be buggers as well, especially if they have to be short for some reason. I loathe word limits with the fire of a thousand suns.

I don't know if I can really say that any particular fic was harder than any other. I would probably say that when I was struggling with it, but after? when it's done? The pain is temporary and it's hard to remember after. Each fic brings it's own challenges. Besides if anything was truly too much then it wouldn't qualify for the 'in the end I made it' because I didn't. My abandoned Librarians fic in the structure of the Rashoman Job (from Leverage) attests to this.

(as I'm not sure that I really answered a couple of these I'll tack on another for you)

25) Is writing the whole thing beforehand better or worse than writing it as you go? It is better because there's no risk of writing myself into a corner, and then having to abandon the fic. If I make a mistake I can go back and revise etc. I can post with absolute confidence as I know it's complete. Plus if something goes wrong then it can just live on my HD indefinitely and I can switch to a different project. It's very freeing. Would 110% recommend (I wrote all my fanfics like this from 2020 onwards).

BUT there is something to be said for a live audience. Back in the day when I first joined tumblr/AO3 and I was writing for Rumbelle, I wrote everything 'live'. I don't know if it was the fandom, the time, or what but I got a lot more engagement. There was more community and that was nice. Writing is lonely and what I miss more than anything is being able to talk to someone about my WIP, them being enthusiastic and sort of bouncing off each other. Never posting a WIP means there is zero possibility of that ever which is sad.

Still I would recommend writing it all out first. I feel like it makes for a more coherent story but that's the novelist in me.

#long post #I answer things #sam talks writing

[fioras-resolve]

i'm an hour away from San Francisco, and less than a day away from gdc. the stuff is terrifying to me, and i'm almost scared to go. like, i'll be on my own in a massive conference center, potentially interacting with people a lot better than me at this whole gamedev shtick. it's strange, you know? to a lot of people i've met i *am* the intimidating gamedev, but when i'm in the presence of other devs i'm reminded that i'm a socially awkward loser who probably wouldn't fit in with this whole thing anyway. i mean fuck, i'm going to wear the cat ears, in large part because i'm hoping that gives people an easy in for talking with me. but it can just as easily make me look like a weirdo who's not taking this seriously. and i do take it seriously! i take it very seriously. i take it more seriously than anyone else i know, because goddammit games are my life. my truest love. the constant in my life that makes it all worth it.

and i'm scared, you know? i'm scared that despite how mature i feel of late, i'm still a fuckin kid. and like, i know, okay? i know that "realizing you're still a kid is the mature thing," but it's different, okay? this isn't "humbling." for years, since i was in high school, i've been insecure about fitting in with people older than me. with rare exception, i'm the youngest one in any group, because i've always been doing shit that few others can. and like, look, i know it's not the Correct thing to say, i know that saying that i, angie nyx, have special talents that others don't is entering some real shit territory. i am well aware that despite my obstacles i am still in an immense position of privilege for even being able to make games in the first place. but i haven't come this far, in creating, analyzing, and learning about games to be told that i'm just like anyone else. 

*sigh* i want to have self-respect and self-confidence without being vain, but really sometimes i just wanna tell someone "i know more than you, why are you questioning me?" i'm in a position where i get to talk about games with people in a way where they listen, and i have an obligation to listen to them. and i hate the feeling i get when someone tells me they see me as a standard they need to live up to, because it shows the contradiction of my whole approach to my work. i take this stuff really seriously, i pursue it as a passion like no other, and i hold myself to a high standard, but i also recognize that holding literally anyone else to that standard would be harmful. i've lost friends over this, and only one has come back.

man, i just... i'm pushed all sorts of ways by this. i'm worried that my going to gdc makes me a sellout or an uberdweeb or an ivory tower elitist. but at the same time i'm worried that i'm NOT good enough to even be in this space. i'm choosing to go to this conference because i believe in my craft, because i want to get better, and because gdc talks have been my comfort media for years. there's some part of me, at the core of my being, that thinks this will be a nice and enriching conference where i'll learn a lot and maybe get to network. this is the place i'll go to meet My People. but i'm terrified, you know? i'm scared that all that i've built up is just pretend. i'm even MORE scared that i'll fuck it up somehow by being so autistic. scared that the mask will slip and i'll reveal myself to be a scared cat in a human body. scared that i'll embarrass myself, or make someone uncomfortable. i'm scared that maybe i'm not a real game developer, but someone just cosplaying as one.

man, i just... i wish i could cuddle with someone right now. it's been months since i've seen a partner or even a friend in person. it's been so long since i've had any kind of contact, any kind of warmth or closeness. i wish i was doing that instead of going by myself to a convention full of people i don't know. i'm lonely. i'm scared. the real reason why i wanted a friend to go with me is because that way i wouldn't feel so alone. i'd have someone i could talk to who was right here with me. if things went badly, i'd get support. instead i'm going with my mom, who very openly treats this as a vacation opportunity like any other. she wants to see the sights of san francisco. what i need is someone who i can share a room with and know it's all gonna be okay. god dammit.

#i took these notes on the plane

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

How do u get a gf? Do u have any dating advice 4 lesbians with no dating experience? Do u know places I can meet other lesbians?

Lesbian tinder is full with men identifying as trans and nonbinary 😕, lesbians bars r filled with males and bisexual women, lesbian reddit communities r also filled with males and bi women, at this point most lesbian spaces r filled with males and bi women. I only wanna date and have sex with other lesbians, actual lesbians. And I’m tired of TRAs telling lesbians we need 2 be open 2 dating and having sex with males and like penis.

I’m stuggling 2 find other lesbians. Lately I’ve only been seeing larpers, fetishizers and lesbophobes😕. Sometimes when I think I find other lesbians most of the time it’s a male inclusive “lesbian”, a male, or a bisexual girl talking about how much she loves dick and it’s aggravating me. I don’t know what do 2 at this point. I feel lonely and stressed out.

Sorry 4 trauma dumping🙁

I mean, I don't share the sentiment of "only wanting to date lesbians" at all, so I'm not sure how helpful my advice would be for you.

That being said, I DO have a gf that I had to go out and meet so here's what I did:

Actually leave my dorm. We met at college so that might be a bit of an advantage, but I didn't have to talk to anyone at all. Fun fact, I was actually kinda pursuing her roomie for a hot second there 💀 but I refused to let college be a let down. You know something? I actually got to meet Josh from drake and Josh during my freshman year, and it's NOT even the most memorable thing that happened to me that year. I brought it up with my gf and she said "oh yea, I forgot [meeting Josh] happened". THAT'S how much shit we did freshman year. It was wild.

Don't be afraid to make the first move. I asked her out to dinner. I asked to be alone with her so I could express my feelings, even though I was literally SO nervous.

My specific advice to you would be: even if you don't like those bi girls, maybe you could befriend them at least? Ones you actually like though, don't just use people. Lgb people usually find each other. Have you considered that the best way to find a gf isn't necessarily meeting the perfect girl yourself, but being introduced to the perfect girl via a friend? Through my gf, I've found a gay guy, tons of bi girls, and one lesbian. So maybe your first stop on your path to finding a girlfriend is to drop the "girl" part and looking for lgb friends at all. Before I was dating my gf, I went to a dance and saw a REALLY pretty girl who was in a group. I pulled one of the group members aside and asked if she was gay. Unfortunately, she didn't know, but two of my friends went to go ask her directly for me 💀💀💀. Turns out that she was "pan" and thought I was cute. I asked her to dance, and the rest is (unfortunately very bitter) history 🥴. All that to say that friends--good friends--will do absolute wonders for you!!!

Don't be a pessimist lmao. I left my "I'm never gonna find a gf, ever" thinking behind in high school. Do not give up!! In my first year of college, I literally met three women who were into me. I never would've met them if I just got discouraged.

I'm not sure if this helped, but that's all I know from my personal experience with this endeavor.

[antvnger]

I'm gonna be honest, These have been my feelings these late weeks. I finally got to the point where i'm tired of hiding it, so i'll confess everything i feel. I was planning to do this on anon but then it wouldn't be a true confession.

I feel like trash. I don't feel like belonging anymore. My mind has been overwhelming me with begative thoughts about being an unworthy friend and i've been feeling so alone lately, as if people already see me like a weird creep to be avoided.

It kinda has been like that my whole life i guess, since i was always the black sheep of the group that nobody would talk with, and i was always the last option.

I'm also so afraid of what will someone will think of me, therefore why i haven't said anything about my true feelings. I love all my few friends and i'm also afraid of not being enough for them, like, dissapointing them or making them hate me somehow.

It looks like i can handle it, but there are nights, last one by example, where i just can't handle it and i break down in tears, and it's already affecting me physically.

It feels so ugly, like a stab in the chest, because people often think that just by being an introvert i'll be okay if i'm lonely, which I AM NOT, and i'm so sick of that, honestly...

I just look up at people and see how supported they are, no matter what they do or are, and i just wonder why have i never been supported like that, but i found out the reason is just that i'm that, a hideous creep that just does not deserve it. I know it's because i don't reach out, but my mind always convinces me that it's my fault.

I'm sorry if this came on too fast and messy, i just couldn't help venting it out. I just don't know what am i doing wrong, or if the problem is my own existence.

I couldn’t let this one wait. I just couldn’t. ((Neither of us could.))

Kit honey, I really wish I could tell you this face to face but believe me please. You are not a hideous creep. You’re not. You’re the complete opposite of that. You’re a wonderful, beautiful person! You’re fun and funny and caring and kind and thoughtful. You’re great! I love seeing you around. Ant-Mun and I both do.

((I can speak for those introvert feelings, sweetheart, and I understand what you mean and how you feel. It’s not your fault you are more naturally quiet and shy. Not many understand how introverts think and feel unless they’re introverts themselves or have spent enough time with one and took the time to learn how they think and feel. Just because we can handle being alone doesn’t mean we always like it. Loneliness hurts us just like anyone else. I get it. Believe me; I get it.))

These thoughts you’re experiencing sound intrusive, and they’re lies, Kit. They are. They’re lies. Anxiety and mental issues really love to tell lies, and they’re really good at making even the most ridiculous sound believable. That’s what’s happening right now. Kit honey, I guarantee you none of us, your friends, see you like how you see yourself. You’re far greater than you give yourself credit for. We love you very much, and you deserve to be supported and helped and encouraged and loved.

And Kit, feeling this way and thinking these things don’t make you a hideous creep either. But it’s no way to live either. You need some extra help overcoming these feelings and thoughts, and that’s okay you need extra help. You deserve it.

Please believe us, Kit. These thoughts and feelings are not who you are. The things your anxiety and intrusive thoughts are telling you that you are just aren’t true. They’re not. You’re a wonderful, beautiful, incredible, special person worthy of love and support. ((Period.))

#ask scott lang #scott lang #ant-man #ant mun #indoraptorgirlwind #ant man #antman