#i wish someone could tell me what's off - what i should prioritise | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

honey-milk-depresso · 2 years

Text

so i had a mental breakdown in my server, sorry for people who just joined ignore my rants and stuff-

TW: Death, mentions of suicidal thoughts, me keeping pent up frustration for 5 months, uncensored words

but i was crying so much, it felt so gross, and geez idk how i broke my dam of emotions today but-

ever since my grandpa died, on the day of my birthday, it was the first time i had to ever think of crying in front of someone or just act natural and say “thanks” if they wished me. honestly i thought i didn’t deserve those wishes or gifts. i should’ve been there to see my granda’s last days but i was so busy with school and other things i couldn’t fly back to see him.

so, that was my first time ever concealing very hard i was super sad. then on top of it all, i have to tackle exams, and my feelings were just giving in, and i did not meet my expectations at all. i wasn’t proud of myself, and i was angry about myself for caving in to my own words, and yet again i resorted to not telling or showing people how sad i was.

my logic was (and still is) that if im not prioritising others, im being selfish and a horrible friend. the fact that i was growing to be more resentful towards the people i love didnt help either.

@his-jinny who deactivated after anons harassed them over plagiarism, anons kept complaining to me about how she was being a coward even after she left like im the culprit, and even before that demanded and pressured me to respond to the situation i wasn’t even involved in.

i was so annoyed, and frustrated, and i wanted to flip them off, but i didnt wanna be rude and insensitive since they also had a point my friend didnt listen to the blogger to stop doing that twice, i said something completely rational while i grew so irrational and feral about it.

and i kept it to myself.

my irl situation was... pretty stupid honestly. my social life got harassed by someone i thought was a friend, abandoned me when i was no use to help them in academics anymore after seeing my math grades drop to a B.

obviously, mad at that piece of shit, but i didnt really said anything much other than “they’re being shitty”. i felt way more than that.

time goes by, and everyone around me see me as that bratty over 3 fictional characters and i felt treated like dirt wipes by everyone. like even if i was useful once im dirty you threw me away and tossed me around like i wasn’t of any value. like i shouldn’t be treated with respect and you called me “bitch” and “motherfucker” and what not. yeah, i know that, don’t have to remind me thanks. and i was caught up in this dilemma of being truthful about how toxic i was getting or making sure everyone dont get hurt. obviously, majority feel great than one individual feels like shit, and i went with it.

i mean, being exposed to it would’ve naturally made me do the same, too, right? i felt like i was (and is) in no position to tell anyone off.

and it went on and on with people on tumblr, on discord, irl, online all treat me like fucking nothing and that im not in control of who i am and what i do, and it felt like i was living off of people’s expectations and feelings that i just crumbled.

all those dark thoughts... i thought of even caving in. i can’t express or describe to you how painful and how morbid and gruesome these thoughts were. i couldn’t even imagine i could think of such things of doing to myself.

i can’t tell you exactly what they were, but they were terrifying, and i was scared, and cold, and lonely in all those thoughts. if you compared “usual” me to when im really by myself and alone, you wouldn’t think that was me.

but being “me” online didn’t felt like me at all.

i felt that who i was is horrifying, and no should know. why would i want you all getting out of my life? i couldn’t imagine that!

but that’s selfish of me, keeping everyone to myself. then what am i supposed to do? cave into those dark thoughts and just do it? no, i wouldn’t, i would hurt people. but that’s pretty egoistic of me and selfish to think people would worry about me and be burdened or even bothered about me, won’t it?

so much dilemma, so much of spiraling down an endless hole of confusion, anger and desolation.

and to think i broke down after so long, crying in vc was so embarrassing despite having people tell me it’s not.

i was so mad at everyone and everything, i thought i was being selfish, and that they were too, but that’s all because it’s my fault for being the worst.

people who rant so confidently and even to me i wondered why cant i be like them? why do i have to hide and cower like a loser?

and i tell people you’re brave to be expressing your feelings, and i didnt. i was in a horrible state (and still am).

i was so mentally torn to shreds i started to be more exaggerated that im fine, i was happy, you think im in love with t*ey despite me saying no (like an annoying bitch- im so annoying-) and again i caved in to those anons saying im not worth to be in the twst fandom, or any fandom or with anyone. im just... a bad person.

im a bad person who cant handle themselves.

i wish i can take a break, but i cant. i have work to do and important stuff ahead of me i must continue on to work hard.

@rizavi-m @sherbet-shark @quaintl1ng @mehletmesleep thanks but i dont feel like im worth anyone’s time.

but hopefully, i won’t fall victim to those dark thoughts of mine.

#twst #twisted wonderland #honey.announcements #honey.important #honey.apologises #im sorry

25 notes · View notes

teaandcartography · 2 months

Text

March 18th, 2024 - What am I doing?

Many times I’ve attempted to write a blog like this, and every time I gave up because it genuinely felt like I was essentially just talking to a wall. I don’t have a lot of friends, never have. My social circles have always been so small and I’ve always felt so lonely, so occasionally I think about just venting online in the hopes that someone will hear me. I really wonder how so many people are okay with being alone, spending time with themselves and never getting bored. If I don’t reach out to a friend for over an hour, I feel like I might go insane.

We sometimes associate “being alone” with “being lonely,” and it is important to realize that there is a difference between those two. Being “alone” is a physical state where you are physically by yourself. Being “lonely” is an emotional state where you are feeling alone or disconnected from others – even when they’re right next to you. Sometimes we are happy to be by ourselves, and sometimes we wish for the company of others. –Sharon Melin, MA, Outpatient Therapist.

Hell, I like being alone sometimes. To just be able to listen to my music and do whatever I feel like doing. But soon enough I get bored of my own company and need someone to bounce off of in a conversation, or to simply have another presence in the room with me. So I tend to reach out to a friend in the hopes for a nice, entertaining, and active conversation about whatever. But being an adult with adult friends, not everyone has time to immediately respond. That’s when loneliness kicks in.

I never blamed my friends for prioritising their life, in fact, I want them to prioritise their own life the same way I want to prioritise mine. But what I struggle with the most is that in loneliness, my priority is to find a connection with someone close to me. I’ve never been close to my family, so sitting down in the living room and telling my parents about what triggered my depression, or my opinions on a TV-show I recently watched, is a genuine struggle. They don’t understand, it’s simply a matter of being born and raised in a different generation. I’ve yet to fully accept that.

So naturally, I try to reach out to my best friends, or one of the three. And then more struggles arise:

N says, “Sorry, I’m already hanging out with my boyfriend,” which has turned into her standard reply for everything. It’s gotten to a point where I feel like asking her to hang out is pointless, so I stopped doing it. And it genuinely upsets me that she prioritises her boyfriend over her best friend whom she has known since 2012.

T has recently been broken up with. I never liked his girlfriend anyway, but I want him to take the time and space he needs to recover from that. But even before the breakup, he and I struggled to spend time together because his now ex-girlfriend was always jealous of me. (It’s a long story.)

J lives on the other side of the globe and works night shifts. Plus, he’s very active in helping his family with running errands, and he’s studying to chase his dream career. A good person all-in-all, but always busy and preoccupied. Besides, it doesn’t help that I am madly in love with him and I feel like if I double-texted him, I’ll come across as clingy and annoying. (Though he has always told me to reach out to him if I need him, I can’t shake this fear of abandonment if I text him one time too often.)

Of course, I have other connections who you could consider to be in the realm of “friends” as well, but spending time with them often feels emotionally draining (unlike the people mentioned above.) Rarely I have the energy to just hop into a Discord voice chat and deal with the chaos of 4-5 other people joining and talking over one another. Can you tell that I’m the wallflower at parties?

Also, I should probably mention that while writing these paragraphs, I am also doing my research on these topics and maybe I can come to a realisation or find a solution to my problems.

For example, while reading a piece on Nystrom Associates/Nystrom Counseling, I am learning that loneliness is, more often than not, simply the result of a bad relationship with myself. I am very critical of myself, I am a perfectionist, I substitute the lack of social connections with listening to a podcast or having Supernatural play idly on my second monitor, while I stare at my wallpaper on my primary monitor and overthink about whether or not J only keeps me around for his own benefit, or if N just stopped caring about me.

And what about professional help?

Well, considering I am a 26-year-old college student with no steady income, and my health insurance not covering psychological help, I find myself at a fork in the road. Either I go into debt to speak to a psychologist to try and rekindle the love for myself, or I do my own research and spend all of my free time trying to figure it out all by my little self.

Both sound incredibly exhausting, right? Like, nobody is excited about owing anyone money, and if my attempts at self-care fail, how will I ever find time to have fun before I go to sleep?

One of the things that Hannah Hippe on Nystrom mentions is that I need to recognize my internal critic, and replace those negative thoughts with a positive alternative. Easier said than done, of course, but it’s something that gets easier the more you do it.

For example, since two weeks ago I have been feeling like my lack of focus for my internship only means that I am nothing but dead weight to the company. I felt immense guilt for even sitting there, at my desk, trying so hard to work on a project but not being able to get where I want to be by the end of the day. And asking for help suddenly became so incredibly difficult. I felt like if I tapped my boss on the shoulder one more time, he’d scold me for not being at the level of proactivity I should be.

But in reality, only five minutes earlier, my boss told me that after my two-week sick leave (arranged by my college because of how stressed and depressed I was,) he was incredibly happy to have me back. And confirming that I am good at what I do. My other colleagues expressed something similar, by waving and smiling really excitedly to see me back at my desk.

So the thoughts I had two weeks ago, “I’m only in the way of this company moving forward. I’m not doing my job right. I’m not experienced enough for this,” are far from the truth.

Keeping what Hannah wrote in mind, I can also apply this to my doubts about friendship with J. (Ignoring the fact that I am head over heels for him just for this theory.) J is a genuine person, he has shown me on and on that he values honesty, respect, and effort. If those are out of balance, he does not hesitate to address it, and if necessary, he cuts off connections if the other party doesn’t want to fix it with him.

So if I really were a burden to J, would he have bothered spending time with me at all? Would he send me TikToks and say, “This is us,” or would he even ask what’s on my mind when he notices I sound a little upset?

The answer is no, if I was a burden to him, he wouldn’t even talk to me at all. And I may not be religious, but thank God or whatever deity sent this man to me because I honestly don’t know where I would be without him making me laugh more in the past 3 months, than I have in 2023.

I need to get better at catching myself thinking negatively. I need to be able to be like, “Hey, stop that. It’s not true. You’re doing okay,” whenever I feel myself spiral. I know I can do it, it’s just a matter of practice. And even if I fail keeping myself afloat, at least I can say that I’ve tried and that tomorrow is another opportunity to try again.

So, why am I writing this? Why am I here when I’ve mentioned before that I give up on writing blogs like this very easily? Maybe Tumblr isn’t even the right place to be, but it’s a platform I’m familiar with, and maybe my inner teenager still dreams of owning a frequently visited blog by hundreds of people. (Though my chances are small, a girl can still dream, right?)

Honestly, I’m just writing this to once again reach out. Maybe someone I can connect with, maybe not on a daily basis, but someone to check up on every other day or week with, “Hey, how have you been? Did you pass your exam? Or did you get that promotion? And how’s it going with that art project?”

And perhaps this blog can help someone else. Someone who is dealing with the same existential dread I wake up with every day, for them to see that they’re not alone and that there’s someone willing to listen.

I’m terrible at giving advice, therefore, I won’t. Besides, sometimes all we need is someone to listen and acknowledge, without trying to help and fix the problem. I sure as hell can’t stand it when all I want is to be heard, and instead I get a huge list of things to try to feel better. (I know their intentions are good, but sometimes you just gotta let me figure it out on my own.)

My inbox is open (anonymously as well) for you to vent to me and pretend for a couple of minutes that I am that friend you need. You know, a friend who won’t sugarcoat anything and won’t just agree with every idea or plan you have, but still have a hand reached out in case you’ve fallen. I mean, if you want to get back together with your ex, I’ll say it’s a bad idea, but the decision is up to you in the end.

0 notes

aseriesofunfortunatejan · 10 months

Text

There's this idea that you need to work through EVERYTHING with a therapist. For the purpose of this post I'll put aside the fact that I was very efficiently scared off therapy by a bad experience with a terrible therapist... People who know I'm already a traumatised person, or people who just believe in therapy very strongly, will try to explain to me that every issue I have is something I could or should bring up to a therapist. My name dysphoria - "that could be worth talking to a therapist about, there's probably a reason". I was a victim of sexual harassment in middle school - "that probably traumatised you too, you should talk to a therapist".

It's this idea that therapists are almighty beings who WILL find out what it's about for me. And most importantly, I think there's a difference between telling these exact things to someone who doesn't have any other known issues and isn't already considering therapy, and telling them to me - someone with other priorities. There are things that are actively ruining my every day life and that I know I want therapy for. Finding the courage to go to a new therapist will take time. Finding the right therapist will take time. And then working through all that shit (because there's already a lot!) will also take time. Believe me, I'm unhappy with and confused by my name dysphoria. But I'm not going to prioritise fixing that just because it's an issue that implies other people socially - because my family refuses to accept my name change - over issues that make MY life a living hell every day. In fact "my family never liked me" is way higher on the list than the fact that I just wish people would use my middle name

#personal

1 note · View note

rianafying · 2 years

Text

a lot of the time i find myself desperately wanting to talk to someone, anyone, my friends my so my sibling anyone. but i don’t reach out to them because im already going through a lot and have too much on my plate to hear about their problems and i take people’s problems personally, and get too deeply affected by other people’s sadness. it’s been this way for a long time now. i do end up talking to them but it’s not how i want it. like i’m not at all saying that they shouldn’t tell me about their problems, they should, but sometimes i wish i could just vent. one sided. just let it all out. i always have to turn to my diary or tumblr to journal it all out. sometimes i wish i could vent to a person. obviously not just anyone, they have to know me well and i have to trust them (she says as she shares intimate details of her life on her very public tumblr blog). it applies when i’m speaking to someone, i need to really trust them to feel comfortable when being vulnerable. the people that are available to listen to me don’t get me. so many criteria gosh maybe i’m the problem. no i’m definitely the problem. but that’s fine. with me. also, i’m not stressed out anymore. i think i tired myself out. i’ve been panicking about the same thing for so long that i just stopped caring at some point. like ok so what. and what about it. which idk if that’s a good or bad thing. definitely feels a lot better. much easier on my heart. i think it’s a good thing. for my mental health. maybe not so much for my grades. like what happened happened. like ok. ??? cool. i did what i could. genuinely could not have done more. i’m an always try my best er. i always try my best. im always giving my most. so. idk what else to say or do or feel about the whole thing. also, fuck olive. i’ve had enough of that. i’m done with his inconsistency and unavailability. like go fuck off. loser behaviour. his flop era. man just can’t keep me happy. sorry MEN just can’t keep me happy. and honestly neither can women. i’m done. i hope i can stay done. for a good while if not forever. like truly be done. so disappointed. honestly, what am i working towards? i know what i need like food money fashion etc wise but what’s the point here? what’s my goal? my previous goal isn’t interesting anymore. my other previous goal is genuinely too ambitious, i’m a laid back person now. genuinely couldn’t be bothered with anything. i do like getting expensive groceries and clothes. is that really what i’m living up to? like just to live a nice life? is that enough to keep me motivated to like stay alive during hard times? don’t i need something more solid? i don’t think i want kids anymore. maybe pets. maybe. too much commitment tbh. definitely not getting married. fun in theory, terrible in practice. i kind of want to just be able to do whatever fun thing comes to my head. like explore my hobbies, learn new things, do what i want to without having to commit to one thing forever? i used to be scared of this idea, and thought it was flakey or unserious or the recipe for an unremarkable life. but like, who am i trying to impress? nobody. other than myself. and i think i’d be pretty impressed with myself if i managed to disregard all external influences and just prioritised my happiness, and live life day to day, moment to moment, and not for one ultimate end. my younger self would hate this and think i’m a loser now, but she doesn’t know what i know. to a lot of people i might seem like a quitter but i don’t care? what they think? wow i love who i’m becoming. i love taking it easy. and honestly i’m supportive of the whole hustle culture grindset mindset but it’s definitely not for me. i still want money though. but not more than i want peace. oh god what do i do with all my playlists about living for love? ok i’m being too optimistic here, this doesn’t happen overnight… i hope to be done with romance, it was really an obsession at one point. like what will a kiss do? is it really worth all the other shit. i don’t think it is. maybe one day if something happens organically and if i’m va-

lued enough i’ll think about it. but for now, i’m good. really. i really am good. i’m almost in disbelief. it’s almost too good to be true. i don’t want to jinx it. i’m not scared of being by myself. i’m literally the best company. i take good care of myself, or at least i try my best. can’t top that.

#personal #journal entry

0 notes

capseycartwright · 3 years

Note

"I am fed up with half-measures. I deserve better." (Got huge buddie and malex vibes from this one 👀)

ao3 link

The last thing Eddie expected to find at his door was Buck, of all people – not because Buck was an unusual fixture in his home; no, because Buck was supposed to be on a date.

Eddie had been trying his best for weeks now, to be the dutiful best friend, and support Buck’s relationship with Taylor – regardless of how much he wished Buck wasn’t dating anyone else – and it was hard. It was hard, and so Eddie was halfway through a tub of his favourite flavour of ice-cream (the excessively expensive one Buck had introduced him to, the one Eddie only bought when he knew Christopher wasn’t home). He’d also cracked open a bottle of wine Hen and Karen had given him as a thank you for babysitting Denny, one Saturday afternoon (he’d made a mental note to thank Karen – the woman had good taste in wine) and so Eddie was well settled in for an evening of feeling sorry for himself while Christopher was at a sleepover party.

Until – well, Buck decided to bang his door in.

Tucking his ice-cream into the crook of his arm, Eddie raised an eyebrow. “You have a key,” he reminded, looking a frazzled Buck up and down. He was clearly dressed for a date – wearing that blue striped shirt that made Eddie’s mouth water, a neat jacket over the top – but he was also clearly not on said date.

“I have had the worst day,” Buck declared dramatically, kicking his sneakers off in the hallway, brow furrowing as he noticed the bottle of wine on the table. “Do you have company?” he asked, clearly confused – Ana was long gone, to be fair, their relationship having ended weeks previously.

Eddie swallowed, glancing down at his very sad outfit of a pair of raggedy old sweatpants, and a grubby sweatshirt that had definitely seen better days – Eddie wasn’t a sentimental man, really, but Christopher always called it Eddie’s cuddliest sweatshirt, so Eddie didn’t have the heart to throw it out.

“No,” he reassured. “I don’t.”

“Wine, though?”

“Are you questioning my methods of self-care?” Eddie retorted. “I like wine, sue me.”

“All wine tastes the same,” Buck sighed, throwing himself on the couch, reaching for the bottle.

“You can have a glass,” Eddie intervened. “But I will kick you out of my house if you drink directly from that bottle, Buck. I’d like to pretend I have some level of class,” he sighed, padding into the kitchen and grabbing another wine glass – a set Abuela had bought him, when he’d moved to LA. “So,” he said, setting the glass down on the coffee table, pausing to take a scoop of his slowly melting ice-cream before he continued. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or are we going to play charades?”

Buck rolled his eyes, but took the wine glass, all the same, pouring himself a generous measure. He took a swig, before he spoke, raising an eyebrow. “Did you pick this out?” he questioned, no doubt thinking back to the evening where Eddie had been in charge of getting wine for their family dinner and had accidentally bought cooking wine. It was an easy mistake to have made, if you asked Eddie.

Eddie shook his head. “Present from Karen and Hen,” he clarified. “Stop deflecting.”

“I broke up with Taylor,” and oh, if Eddie hadn’t been waiting to hear those words for so long.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie tried, because he couldn’t look that happy about it, could he? It would give the game away – and in so many ways, Eddie was convinced his feelings were obvious, that he’d given the game away a long time ago, but Buck had never mentioned it.

“I’m not,” Buck looked furious, again. “I – we had this nice date planned, right? We made sure to pick a night where we were both off, where she doesn’t need to be in work early tomorrow, and I’m off, so we could get breakfast, too – really spend some time together,” he explained. “And I got to the restaurant and I waited, and I waited, and I waited for a fucking hour, Eddie, and nothing – no text, no call from her. I was sitting there, spiralling, wondering if she was – if she was dead, or something. Right? So, after an hour, I decided I was going to pass by the news station, and see what was happening, and do you know what she said?”

Eddie shook his head.

“That she’d told her intern to call me and cancel our date, because a story came up,” Buck practically spat. “I mean, is she serious? And like – I love that she has a career she loves, because she gets how I feel about being a firefighter, but she does this all the time and I just never feel like I’m even getting close to the top of her priority list. So, I – I asked her, if I was ever going to be something she prioritised over work, and she said no.”

Eddie winced. “She was honest, at least,” he tried.

“Totally,” Buck agreed. “And I appreciate the honesty – really – and it’s not like it ended on bad terms. We just didn’t want the same thing out of a relationship, and I’m not going to resent her for it. But – fuck, this is nice wine by the way – I am fed up with half-measures, Eddie,” he sighed, slumping back on the couch. “I deserve better.”

Eddie swallowed thickly. Buck did deserve better – and Eddie wasn’t going to sit here and pretend as though he was better, as though he knew he could be boyfriend of the year and give Buck everything he needed. But – Eddie loved him, and surely, surely that had to be enough? It had to be enough to love someone so much it felt like your love for them was etched into the very bones of who you were? Eddie so badly wanted to be enough.

“I wouldn’t,” Eddie said quietly, suddenly conscious of the melting ice-cream he was still gripping tightly. It had cost eleven dollars, he reminded – he should probably put it back in the freezer.

Buck looked at him, utterly confused. “What?”

“I wouldn’t love you in half-measures,” Eddie wasn’t sure where he was finding the bravery, to finally say it, to tell Buck how he felt, but somehow, somewhere, he’d found a bravery he wasn’t sure he’d ever had before. He had thought he’d be spending the rest of his life trundling along, desperately in love with a best friend who didn’t love him back. Eddie had accepted it, almost – because having Buck as a friend was better than not having Buck at all.

Buck’s cheeks were flushed, his eyes wide, and excited. “How would you love me, Eddie?” he asked, his voice soft, and trembling – the only giveaway that he felt as nervous as Eddie did, there and then, dangling on the precipice of something new, and wonderful.

“Forever,” Eddie said. “I’d love you forever, Buck.”

(And when Buck kissed him – he tasted like wine, and Eddie knew he tasted like wine, and Buck’s shirt was soft, under tentative fingertips as Eddie reached out to hold him the way he’d so desperately wanted to for so long, and –

Well, it felt like the beginning of forever.)

send me a prompt from this list

#911 fox #eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie #911fic #in which i ramble #in which lorna writes fic #prompt fill

417 notes · View notes

getouswh0re · 3 years

Text

TOKYO REVENGERS REACTIONS:

❤︎ forever is a long time, but I won’t mind spending it by your side ❤︎

an; how Tokyo Revengers characters realise they have fallen in love with you; warnings: none, slight angst, fluff, slight manga spoilers

characters; mikey, draken, chifuyu, baji

For as long as you could reminisce, MIKEY and you have been thick as thieves, doing all sorts of shenanigans (with most of them being his idea of course) and enjoying the time of your youth together. How you wish good times could stay like this forever; just the two of you running through the labyrinth of streets without having a single worry about what the future has to offer, the thrumming of footsteps echoing against the asphalt pavements as chime-like chortles reverberate in remnants of the dwindling sunset.

The two of you have been through ups and downs throughout the years, yet you and him would always seek for solace in each other’s company. The one incident, though, which brought both of your hearts closer than ever — was Emma’s passing. In the dingy bedroom, it was the first time you saw Mikey’s walls collapsing as he leaned into your chest, raw cries laced with heart-wrenching pain reverberating through the solemn midnight air. It broke your heart to witness the tough blonde in such a state of despair; he had lost way too many people already, and the light that was long lost in his hollow eyes now bore semblance to an impenetrable void — devoid of life, and the will to live.

“Hey, y/n ...” A meek croak cut through the lingering silence. “What does it feel like to be left alone ... before you get to realise all of the people you’ve loved is gone?”

Hearing that, your eyes were glassed with a layer of tears that was threatening to overflow. Nonetheless, you held it back, leaning forward as you pulled the blonde into your arms and gave him a tender hug.

“I know how it feels, Mikey ... it’s painful, you’re left alone, you want the agony to stop ... but you’ll not be shouldering this on your own. I’m here for you ... when you need me, okay? So please ... don’t bottle up all of these feelings by yourself. We’ll share the suffering and live on. Promise?”

People came and go in his life, yet the only one who stayed with Sano Manjiro until the very end was none other than you — his first love.

DRAKEN’S instincts have always been spot-on, and this is the same just like any other time — the only thing special is you being in the picture. From the day you become acquainted with the gang’s vice commander, Ryuguji finds himself gravitating bit by bit towards you. He would look forward to seeing you at every meeting, feeling his heart sink whenever you can’t hang out with him, Mikey and the others; initially the blonde only thinks that it is nothing more than a measly feeling — friends would look forward to hanging out with each other, right?

But it is soon proven to be wrong when an unintentional comment from him reveals his feelings towards you to everyone.

“Where is y/n? It feels a bit different today —“

As if everything is in slow motion, his friends swivel their heads around — stares burning into the back of his skull with their jaws dropped.

“Dude, you’re totally into y/n huh.”

Oh shit.

Before the blonde realises, everyone starts to bombard him with questions; not that they aren’t happy for him who finally manages to find the one, but rather — how do polar opposites like you and Ryuguji attract one another.

“Dude, you’ve totally found the right one!”

“Man I feel jealous that you have your eyes on them first! I would’ve shoot my shot if I were you.”

“If you don’t man up and confess, don’t blame me for stealing y/n off their feet —“

“Hold on!” A yell from him is all it takes to make the gang quiet. “How do you guys know it’s love? I mean it can be anything —“

“Just how dense can you be, idiot?” The others chime in unison.

Someone save him, boy is hopeless sometimes.

To pinpoint how he has fallen in love with you would be immensely difficult for CHIFUYU, there are way too many moments where he just finds himself diving headfirst into love! But if he has to choose the exact instant which kindled the flames of adoration, it would be every little bits about you which make him lovestruck.

He loves how your gaze softens at the sight of pets running around every time you come and visit him at the pet store he works at, cooing over how endearing you look as your eyes crinkle when kids wave to you on the streets, admiring your patience and kindness towards everyone you meet — the list goes on and on. Falling in love with you (to him) feels like a typical romance troupe which he has read ad nauseam in shoujo mangas, yet experiencing it firsthand is definitely a first for him.

And of all the attributes he loves about you, the one which makes Chifuyu ascertain his feelings is how you could see the good in people whom you hold dear to your heart — him included.

The sky fades into a myriad of pomegranate pink and indigo as the two of you hang out at the park after the gang meeting has ended, each of you eating an ice cream. With you finishing yours first, you turn over to look at the blonde, only to discover that he has some smudged on his cheeks. Seeing this reminds you of your childhood years together where Chifuyu also had ice cream smeared over his face — the nostalgia of it making giggles roll off your tongue, earning a perplexed look from the vice captain of the first division.

“What are you laughing at y/n??” It only make you laugh harder as his whining reaches your ears.

“Nothing! It just reminds me of how we used to hang out at the same spot when we were younger, also eating ice cream whilst watching the sunset. You also had ice cream all over your face back then. I can still remember that cute ass look on your face ~”

“Come on, it’s in the past! Stop mentioning it y/n, I’m going to die from embarrassment before long. You better attend my funeral —“

“Cute and dramatic as ever Fuyu.” You give him a tap on the nose. “But you know what? I feel so glad that fate brought me to this adorable kid with ice cream all over his face back in the days, and I’m grateful for having you in my life Chifuyu.”

Poor boy almost suffers from a heart attack.

BAJI adores your duality; whether it is watching you coo over street cats or casually firing comebacks at his occasionally snarky remarks, he embraces both sides of your personality, thinking it is what makes you unique to him. Other than that, the teen finds himself drawn towards you for another reason. Being the motherly figure of Baji and his friends, you would always make sure they take care of themselves, chiding them gently whenever they neglect their health; it is something in which he values a lot — he might be known as one of the toughest fighters in the gang, but Baji is also a teenager at heart.

Whenever he needs to vent, you would be there to lend an ear; every time he falls ill, you would rush to his house with warm chicken soup and all the necessary medications to take care of him until he feels better (despite him telling you that he is capable of taking care of himself, which he isn’t). Occasionally Baji would show up outside your bedroom window bartered and bruised, and you would put aside the things you are doing at that moment to dress his wounds, giving him a nag on how he should prioritise his safety over anything else.

You are like a pseudo parental figure to Baji — his solace and anchor whenever life doesn’t go as what he expects; he could never ask for more from you, but deep down — the teen knows that people would eventually drift apart someday.

And a part of him wished this would last forever, that he could let down his walls and be the middle school Baji that yearns to be taken care of by nobody other than you.

The longer he’s spent time around you, the more the queer sensation in his gut stirs. Baji could feel his heartbeat becoming frenzied each time he is hanging out with you, and his usual confident facade would drop as the teen stutters over words. And being rather dense at the beginning, nothing dawned upon him until Mikey and the rest almost have to withhold the urge of bonking Baji in the head for not realising how he’s fallen head over heels for you, did he realise all of this is love after all.

#tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers x reader #sano manjiro #sano manjiro x reader #mikey tokyo revengers #mikey x reader #ryuguji ken #ryuguji ken x reader #reader insert #chifuyu matsuno #chifuyu matsuno x reader #x reader #baji keisuke #baji keisuke x reader #tokyo revengers oneshots #tokyo revengers imagines #tokyo revengers drabbles #tokyo revengers fluff #tokyo revengers scenarios

704 notes · View notes

animeomegas · 3 years

Text

Omega!Narutoverse Future Family Headcanons

This is a compilation of my headcanons about future families for my favourite Naruto boys (excluding Kakashi who is childfree in my headcanons.)

This is very long, so I’ve put most of it under a cut <3 Enjoy~

Naruto: : 4 children – Son (omega), adopted daughter (alpha), twin sons (betas).

Has his son about four years before he becomes Hokage.

His son is a huge daddy’s boy type and clings to Naruto every chance that he gets.

Naruto never lets his role as Hokage take him away from his son any more than absolutely necessary. Does he take his son into his office? Absolutely. He puts down a little play pen on the floor while he works :’).

His son loves cuddles so much and he is so gentle.

He doesn’t like pranks though which makes Naruto a little sad but he would never do anything to make his little one sad.

Male omegas can be identified from birth, so you both knew he was, but even if you didn’t it’s very obvious. He makes his own little nest next to Naruto’s but ends up crawling into Naruto’s for cuddles every time.

As he gets older, he attends the academy, but he hates it so much. He reminds me a little of a young Itachi, a pacifist to the core. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone! He begs you and Naruto to let him attend the civilian school, and of course you let him.

Naruto gets a lot of shit for allowing this from some parties *cough* the council *cough*. The Hokage’s children should be powerful ninjas according to them, but Naruto will always prioritise his children’s happiness. Naruto shields his son from the hate as much as possible, but some slips through.

The transition is easier if you are a civilian, your son feels a little more secure if that’s the case, and he would consider following your footsteps depending on what you do. If you run a little business, he would definitely want to work with you. If you’re also a ninja he can feel left out and unsure, but he grows into such a quietly confident person, who starts a little business.

Not being a ninja also means he can be there for his younger siblings. He is a dedicated older brother who is always there for them. He has a room for each other them at his house and loads of medical supplies for when they come back from missions injured and won’t go to the hospital. He always patches them up.

All his younger siblings respect him so much. He is a very reliable person, and his siblings get so offended if they hear any anti-civilian talk from the ninjas they work with.

When Naruto is about a year into working as Hokage, he goes to visit the orphanage, a place that he reformed hugely as soon as he could. It’s so much nicer than it was and he’s so happy.

But there is one girl that he sees there, and she’s being bullied by some of the other kids. At only three years old, Naruto’s heart breaks for her. Turns out that she’s being teased for being a female alpha. Times have changed a lot, but there are still some horrible stereotypes about male omegas and female alphas, even if those aren’t the norm anymore.

He intervenes and wipes away her tears, uncomfortably reminded of his own stay at the orphanage when he was her age. He wraps up the visit and leaves, but he just can’t get here out of his head.

He’s been wanting another child, but he’s still in a vulnerable position so early into being Hokage that he can’t afford the time off for maternity leave.

Hesitantly, he brings up the idea of adoption to you, when you respond positively, he’s like great 😊, I have one picked already.

It’s only about a fortnight later that you’re picking her up and bringing her home. At first, she is very shy and reserved but when she gets comfortable, you learn that she is the opposite.

She’s very forthright and opinionated, she always says what she feels and stands up for injustice.

Her favourite thing is to come home and tell you and Naruto about her day. She never leaves out any detail and has been known to demand to go and see Naruto while he’s working so that she can tell him about something that happened at school.

Naruto ends up unwillingly up to date with all the academy drama.

She’s quite serious and likes to have grown up conversations and sit at the grown ups table.

She ends up attending the academy and she just thrives on all the history and politics lessons! She great at negotiating and learning about people.

She makes strong friends and has a tight knit friendship group that she keeps all the way to adulthood.

She ends up making Chunin pretty quickly but waits a long while before taking the Jounin exam. She ends up specialising in international relations.

She works as an ambassador for Konoha and gets to travel around all the countries. She adores her job, but she does sometimes miss her family. Naruto gets sad when he sends her for long missions, knowing that he can’t come and see her for that time, but there’s no one he would trust more to act on behalf on Konoha and she always brings back souvenirs for everyone.

The twins are quite a bit younger than the other two. Six years younger than their older sister, and eight years younger than their older brother.

In a better position now, Naruto wants to try for one final child.

Of course, you get twins.

It takes a bit of re-planning, but Naruto is overjoyed at the fact that he’s pregnant with twins! He gives birth to identical twin boys. You can’t tell from birth whether a baby is a male alpha or male beta, and they end up showing signs of being betas when they’re about 12.

These boys are little troublemakers, and Naruto rejoices and finally having some of his children who likes pranks like he does!

They excel at strategy and trap making when they join the academy but the oldest struggles a little with the more academic side.

Naruto is so patient in helping him because he knows what it’s like to be a physical learner in an academic environment.

They are the babies of the family and they get away with everything haha.

When they end up graduating, they are put on the same genin team and they continue to work together for their entire careers. They are similar to Izumo and Kotestu. They know each other so well and both have complimentary skills, so they make a formidable duo on the battlefield.

Naruto hates sending them on dangerous missions though. If they ever didn’t come back, I don’t think Naruto would recover, knowing that he sent them to the place that they died.

These two also definitely take on a genin team when they first get promoted to jounin, and they’re great teachers! I can’t decide if they would have one together, or if they would have one each and compete in ridiculous challenges like whose genin team can get the most d ranks done in one day.

They remind people of Kakashi and Gai in a lot of ways.

Sasuke: 1 child – daughter (beta).

Sasuke has a daughter in his late twenties, after he’s had some time to deal with his trauma.

He’s undeniably in a better place but he struggles badly with PPD, making the first year very difficult on your family.

Eventually things get better though, and you work together to raise your daughter.

She is wicked smart, very much into scholarly things, but she also loves weapons, particularly any sort of blade. Sasuke teaches her how to use a sword and they bond a lot over it.

She’s pretty quiet and withdrawn, preferring to read a book or practice with her weapons than socialise. Sasuke tries to get her to make more friends but she calls him out on being a hypocrite and he’s so offended that he drops the issue.

She does well in the academy but she lowkey hates going. She likes going more if either you or Sasuke are there to pick her up and walk home with her, she doesn’t like walking home alone because the Uchiha compound is so damn far away and isolated.

When she awakens her sharigan when she’s a chunin, Sasuke has a pretty bad reaction. The sharigan isn’t associated with anything good in his mind, so he freaks out when his daughter activates it. You need to give him some time and support and he’ll come around. He’s the only one who can train her after all.

Sasuke is so proud of his daughter when she makes Jounin, which of course, she does. I could see her taking on a powerful advisory role for the Hokage as a jounin.

She is someone who believes that there is a lot to learn from history, and is a great advisory asset in helping to avoid past mistakes.

Itachi: Canon = none / Non-massacre Au = 2 children. Son (omega), daughter (beta).

Has a son shortly after you get married.

Itachi is a family man through and through and can’t wait to retire from being a ninja (which he hates) to being able to raise his children full time.

The day Itachi gets moved from the active list to the reserves list after he becomes pregnant is one of the happiest days of his life.

His son is very responsible and serious.

He likes to follow Itachi around and help him clean and cook and run errands. He always tidies up his toys and keeps his room clean, and he almost always behaves respectfully and sensibly.

Itachi never forces him to do too much though, he wants his son to have a fun childhood like he never had.

Itachi is over the moon when his son shows an interest in calligraphy, happy that his son is picking up a healthy hobby.

He buys him all the supplies and gets him a teacher if he wants one. It warms Itachi’s heart to see his son interested in something other than chores for once.

Despite the pressure from the clan for his children to attend the academy, Itachi puts his foot down for one of the first times in his life, saying that his children will only become ninja if they want to.

His son does in fact want to attend the academy.

Itachi kind of wishes he didn’t.

Itachi’s son shows a huge proficiency for fuinjutsu, his calligraphy skills coming in handy. Seeing as the skill is so rare, he becomes one of the leading experts in Konoha.

Itachi is very supportive and lowkey glad that his son is so powerful and can defend himself. Itachi is also very glad that his son can continue with his fuuinjustsu passion long after he retires from being an active ninja.

Itachi hopes that safety net (producing seals for other ninjas and continuing to earn money from his hobby) will mean his son can retire whenever he wants and not have to worry. Rather than becoming stuck in the shinobi lifestyle.

Itachi’s daughter is born five years after his son, an age gap that was larger than he would have liked, but he had a pretty traumatic birth the first time around and he needed to give his body some time to recover.

Itachi puts a lot of emphasis on a loving relationship between his children, and his daughter adores her older brother so much! She follows him around and tries to copy him all the time, and he help her with homework and plays with her.

It makes Itachi very, very happy to see them bond.

Itachi’s daughter is a beta and has everyone wrapped around her finger from the moment she is born.

She’s charming, well spoken, and polite but with a very sarcastic personality.

She has a very similar sense of humour to Itachi actually. A sort of under the breath commentary style. Goodness help anyone who finds themselves opposing Itachi and his daughter.

Academy teachers get put in their place so fast when they join forces, the teachers don’t even know what happened.

As Itachi’s daughter joins the academy, she follows after her uncle and develops fangirls and fanboys… She’s very popular. Very popular.

And she loves it.

Itachi is not as fond.

He is not above staring coldly at children for badgering his beloved daughter.

When she grows up, she works as a ninja, favouring a more jack of all trades kind of style. She likes to learn a little bit of everything.

She’s the same way with relationships too. She never gets married or mated, preferring casual relationships and has no interest in children, she lives her life doing whatever she wants with whoever she wants.

Itachi is very proud of her, and secretly very amused when his clan constantly tries and fails to control her.

Shikamaru: 1 child – daughter (alpha)

Shikamaru has a child at about 25, and he knew from the get-go that he was a one and done kind of guy.

He’s not a fan at all of the infant stage and does not want to do it more than once.

The Nara clan have a very high proportion of alphas, so Shikamaru kinda expected his child to be one. And lo and behold she was.

His daughter is the spitting image of him in every way. She is the most mellow alpha ever. So much so that most people assume she’s a beta, and she doesn’t really care enough to correct them about it.

She is also very close to her grandparents, who dote on her and spoil her as much as they can.

She excels at school in the same way her father did before her, retaining average marks despite being miles ahead of most of her peers.

Shikamaru teaches her how to play shogi and all about the beauty of napping. She takes to them both like a duck to water. She is so much like Shikamaru that everyone comments on it constantly.

Although, while she loves a good cloud gazing session with her father, she actually takes to creative writing as her favourite hobby. She uses a pseudonym to avoid attention, but she ends up writing a series of books that becomes one of the most popular book series in the shinobi nations.

Shikamaru is so insanely proud that his daughter can have both a successful ninja career and a successful hobby/side career. He brags to anyone who knows her pseudonym constantly, including you and his parents.

He also keeps a set of first edition, signed copies of all her books. He reads them when she’s away on long missions sometimes, as a way of feeling closer to her.

Shikamaru and his daughter remain incredibly close all their lives.

Shino: 1 child – daughter (omega)

Shino had a child slightly later than most of his friends, at around 34.

Shino’s daughter is a very curious child! She’s quiet and withdrawn around strangers but very talkative with her family and close friends.

Her favourite place to be is on Shino’s lap. And when around strangers, she always hides behind him, or buries her face into his shoulder.

Shino loves to spend time with his daughter outside. He teaches her all about insects and plants, leading her around the woods after when she can still barely walk.

Shibi does the same with her, and those two are very close.

Shino is fiercely protective of his daughter, and never forces her into doing things she isn’t comfortable with. He defends her right to be quiet and clingy, and it takes some convincing to get him to understand that she needs to make friends outside of her immediate family.

When she cries for anything, Shino gives in straight away, as long as she isn’t wanting to do anything extremely dangerous. Because of this, she develops quite the sweet tooth, having had as many cookies as she wanted as a child.

Shino’s daughter ends up teaching at the academy as a career chunin, because despite being shy around adults, she is fantastic with children, very patient and understanding.

Shino is very happy with her choices, because he was a little worried that she would end up scarred from a shinobi career, and he hates any situation in which he can’t protect her.

She has her own children pretty young, and Shino is just a good a grandfather as he is a father.

Neji: 2 children – adopted daughter (beta), adopted son (alpha)

Neji is about 30 when he decides he wants to try to have a baby.

And he’s 32 when he finally comes to terms with the fact that he isn’t going to be able to conceive naturally because of the suppressant abuse he endured as a child.

Then, tragically, one of the branch members of his clan dies giving birth. Her mate can’t handle the stress and dies shortly afterwards, leaving their two-year-old daughter and newborn son behind.

Dying after a mate dies is not super uncommon but is much rarer in the cases where children are involved, so this exact situation doesn’t happen very often.

His heart breaks for them and he is close to begging you to adopt them with him.

And soon enough you have two children, siblings, and both Hyuugas like Neji.

You would never forget Neji’s face when he held his children for the first time. He would never let them be branded with the seal that has impacted his life so much. He would sooner run away from the clan forever.

Neji’s daughter takes a little while to adjust to her new parents, still distraught and grieving over the loss of her previous parents.

Neji understands and gets her a therapist, but he finds it difficult to watch his child suffer.

The first time she crawled into bed with you and Neji after a nightmare, Neji cried because she was finally starting to trust you both.

Neji’s daughter is a beta and when she recovers from her childhood trauma, she shows her true colours as a limelight lover!

She loves acting and dancing and singing whenever and wherever she can. She plans little plays for you and Neji, sitting you down to perform them for you every weekend. Neji is very proud!

But he doesn’t really know what to do when his daughter says she doesn’t want to be a ninja.

He loves and supports her, of course, but he’s thrown off, not really expecting it.

Eventually, he agrees to send her to a civilian school, and she immediately flourishes there, making so many friends, even starting a little after school performance style club.

Neji is so incredibly proud when she makes it as a famous actress. He lowkey brags constantly to his friends.

“Oh, your child just got promoted to chunin? How lovely. My daughter made more money this year than any chunin will see in their life…” Sips tea.

Neji’s daughter is so glamourous and outgoing and famous, but she never forgets her family, and loves to spoil you, Neji and her younger brother with her money.

Neji’s son doesn’t remember his biological parents and fits into your family seamlessly from day one. As far as he’s concerned, you and Neji are his only parents.

Just like his older sister, this boy is very extroverted, but rather than singing all the time, he talks. He’s the chattiest person you could ever meet.

Introverted Neji isn’t 100% sure about how to parent such extroverted children, he just doesn’t understand that they don’t enjoy too much solitary activity time.

He’s feels a lot better if you’re an extrovert, that way, he can have some alone time to recharge while you handle the children.

If you’re also an introvert… well, let’s hope Hinata was serious about her babysitting offer.

Neji’s son talks to everyone as I already mentioned, and adults think he is the cutest thing ever.

As he grows up, he always helps old people carry their shopping, he helps lost children find their parents, he is basically the alpha every parent dreams of their omega child bringing home.

He’s very charming and Neji is a lot less surprised when his son says he doesn’t want to be a ninja.

Eventually ends up working in the orphanage.

The children adore him so, so much, and he loves his job dearly.

Neji brags about him too.

“Wow, your child got top marks in the academy? My child was hand-making birthday gifts for some children at the orphanage when he was 11. He decided to do it all by himself…” sips more tea.

Whenever she’s in Konoha, his older sister turns up and gives all the kids at the orphanage gifts. She’s like a fun, rich aunt for all of them.

Neither of Neji’s children have children of their own, as they find their respective careers to be the most fulfilling thing for them.

Neji is a very proud father and is happy when his children are happy.

Iruka: None, or 2 children (he’s happy with either) – adopted son (omega), adopted daughter (omega)

Iruka would be happy with no children because he’s so dedicated to his work and his students, but he also adores children and wouldn’t mind having some of his own. This is an au in which he decides to have children.

He adopts his son at age 27, pretty soon after the war, choosing to adopt an older child who has less of a chance of being adopted.

A six-year-old omega with a bright smile and loud laugh, Iruka is immediately taken with him. The war had left many orphans, and it was hard on Iruka to walk around the orphanage, knowing he couldn’t adopt them all.

Iruka throws as much love as he can as his new son, taking time off work to bond with him properly, making sure to scent him loads and get him used to his new family environment.

Iruka is thrilled when his son shows a knack for pranks.

He plays the disapproving parent in public, but honestly, he loves it, as long as things don’t go too far.

Iruka’s son is a very kind-hearted person, if a little rambunctious, and he also has a huge nesting instinct.

You knew he was an omega when you adopted him, but it was very clear, nonetheless. He has a permanent nest in his room that he likes to chill in with his friends when they come over (he’s very popular with the other kids in his class.).

When he gets a little older, he goes to the academy, walking to and from every day with Iruka, and develops a passion for medicine when he’s a genin.

He has great chakra control and eventually ends up working full time at the hospital as an adult.

He chose a similar path to Iruka, in that he works as a ninja but is primarily based in the village, rarely leaving on missions.

He makes sure to come home for dinner at least once a week after he’s moved out, no matter how busy the hospital gets.

Iruka is so proud that his son is so talented and selfless, that sometimes it makes him tear up.

Iruka knows that he doesn’t want just one child.

When his parents died, he was all alone and it was horrible for him, so he knows he wants to have two children, so that when you and him die, they’re not alone.

Iruka is very ready to adopt again about two years after he adopted his son.

Iruka found the adoption process so rewarding that he wants to do it again over having a biological child.

He adopts a little girl this time, five years old and also an omega. When Iruka was meeting the children, this girl brought him a paper flower that she had folded as a gift and his heart just melted right then and there.

She fits in perfectly to your family, your son adored her immediately!

With three omegas living in your house now, you were very much outnumbered. It was a common occurrence to find yourself missing all your warm clothes, them having been borrowed and buried inside one of the three nests (minimum) nests in your house.

Iruka’s daughter is a gentle soul, but she is also strong. She appears like an easy target because she is soft spoken and reserved but she has a strong sense of justice and always stands up for herself and others.

When she’s young, she likes the idea of going into medicine like her older brother as she admires and looks up to him, but she doesn’t like the realities of the job very much.

She’s great at chakra control, but the idea of wrangling disobedient, injured shinobi doesn’t appeal to her.

Until one day, on her way home from a friend’s house, she finds an injured stray dog. She brings it home and begs you and Iruka to keep him. So, your family of four turns into a family of five, and she becomes obsessed with veterinary medicine.

As an adult, she ends up working at the veterinary clinic in the Inuzuka compound. She is committed to helping as many animals as she can, with a particular soft spot for dogs.

She also joins the rest of her family for dinners at least once a week. Iruka is so overwhelmingly proud that he has two medic children, because he knows how talented you have to be to do that.

He is also very happy that both his children stay mostly within the village. The war made Iruka a little paranoid, and he doesn’t worry so much when his children are safe within the village walls.

Gaara: 2 children – daughter (alpha), son (alpha)

Gaara has his children the youngest out of everyone his age that he knows. He had his daughter when he had just turned 21, and his son five years later when he was 26.

His daughter is Gaara’s sweetheart.

He adores her so much and spends as much time as he can with her. He is so gentle with her and loving all the time.

Gaara’s daughter is very energetic and playful, but also quite sensitive.

She loves positive attention, loves to play with everyone who will engage with her.

She’s a very family-oriented person and loves spending time with Kankuro and Temari when you and Gaara are busy.

However, because you, Gaara, Temari and Kankuro always treated her so gently, she was quite sensitive to people being angry or shouting at her.

Once, her teacher at school shouted at her for talking in class and she ran straight to the Kazekage’s office crying. Gaara was furious. He hates when his children cry, so much. He let her stay with him for the rest of the day to calm her down, sending you a message to let you know he was looking after her.

Gaara’s daughter visited him constantly, often bringing little lunchboxes of food for him, learning to new recipes constantly.

Trying to surprise him, she develops a great skill in cooking.

She decides, in the end, not to follow the shinobi route. She opens her own restaurant in Suna, charming customers with her amazing hostess skills and phenomenal cooking.

She allows all her family to eat for free, but they all pay anyway, because they love to support her. Gaara, especially, always leaves a huge tip for her and her staff.

Gaara’s son is born five years after his daughter, another alpha, leaving Gaara very outnumbered, with both his siblings, his mate and his children all being alphas.

Gaara’s son is very quiet and tactile.

He loves cuddles and hugs but doesn’t speak very much.

He enjoys spending time with Gaara in Gaara’s nest, despite not having nesting instincts of his own.

Gaara’s son is very close to you and Gaara. He always tells you when something is bothering him, and although he doesn’t speak much, he chooses his words carefully and they always mean something.

He actually excels at shinobi school, both in academics and in sparring, and moves up the ranks quickly. He spends a lot of time training with Kankuro and gets into puppetry.

Even when he becomes a jounin, he spends time with Gaara in his nest, still loving physical affection.

Gaara enjoys hosting family gatherings for everyone, his daughter cooks loads of dishes for it, his son makes sure to take time off missions to attend, and sometimes Temari drags Shikamaru to Suna as well to join them all.

Gaara smiles more often than not now, feeling so proud of the life he crafted for himself, and the family he worked hard to create.

(Phew! That was a lot! I hope you enjoyed, let me know what you thought and send me your own headcanons!!! <3)

584 notes · View notes

thedandelion-writer · 3 years

Note

Hii <33 May I request dancing hc or scenario for Xiao ? It has been slightly implied that he liked to dance (he hopes that one day he'll wear his mask to dance and not to slay), so what if he sees his s/o dancing near the dihua lake when they thought nobody was watching ?

❝calming for the heart, soothing for the soul❞

Word count: 908

A/N: Anon, when I saw your request I dropped everything to prioritise this. Mainly because I was planning on using this idea in the first place (great minds think alike amirite). So thank you for giving me a reason to actually start writing this!! I sort of went overboard with this because I've been having ideas for a while hehe..

Xiao holds his mask in his hand, thumb swiping its side.

This. It was often an omen to his enemies. One look at it on the battlefield and it is as good as their life flashing before their very eyes. How he wishes it could mean something else.

The night wind, cold and sharp, skims his shoulders in an abrupt attempt to interrupt. He finds his mind wandering to where you were. Although he has told you that he was not coming tonight, he worries if you were safe. He always does.

It doesn't take long for Xiao to find you. He does not approach you right away, rather keeping his distance, observing the vicinity atop a tree. Yes, you picked a good spot, he thinks. He could not see a monster for miles.

The adeptus stands to leave, for fear that you would not like his sudden appearance after telling you to not expect it, but your movements caught his eye, stilling him.

Intrigued, he crouched back on the branch, an arm over one knee. He tells himself he'll stay awhile. It was dark, the only sources of light were the street lanterns and the moon, surely it would be safer for you if he kept watch. No one would dare harm you with him a few leaps away. It was definitely not because you looked ethereal dancing like that.

However, the routine looked incomplete. After all, what was a dance without music? Without thinking it over or at all, Xiao pulls out the flute that he carries. He was not as avid of a player as the melodies he once heard, but he was decent enough as to not agitate the spirits, so it should be fine.

The first few notes, he could see, startles you. You turn around and look up, smiling when your eyes lock. Xiao's heart misses a beat, but his flute does not. You continue to move, his mind comparing you to flowing water. Cool, calm, graceful, fluid. If he were to be a worthy enough deity, this would be his worship of choice.

A moment passes and Xiao's score comes to an end. You finish with a delicate step, before looking up once more and applauding.

"Won't you come down, oh stranger? You carry such a pretty tune," you tease.

He tucks the instrument behind him. Originally wanting to leave without a sound. Now that that's out the window, he guesses he couldn't just slip away.

"It is dangerous to be so careless at night," he stands still as you come closer to kiss him on the cheek.

"Ah come on, I already made sure the area was safe," you straighten his clothes, then bend down to pick up the shoes you discarded earlier.

"And besides, if I were in any mortal danger, I could just call for you right?"

Well he couldn't deny that.

"Anyway," you start walking in front of him,"how was I?"

Xiao gives a nod, hoping you understand that he means approval.

You do, and you smile.

He knows that you practice this traditional Liyuen dance once a year to perform in your village's festival. Similar to the harbor's Lantern Rite, except the lanterns were released in the water. Then, people with masks would dance to ward off evil spirits, and to encourage good fortune.

"You should join me. I'm not tired yet and the night is young!" You hold out your hands to reveal an orange, feline shaped mask with a dark blue ribbon, "look, I've even finished carving it today. You could put yours on and-"

"I will do no such thing."

"Aw, but why?"

Xiao clenches his fists. He notices that you notice and tries to hide it. But it was too late.

"...not here, not now," he finally says.

"Hey, it's okay," you walk closer to him, matching his pace. "I'm sorry if I say anything insensitive...but I want to try to understand you."

"I do not wish to indulge in such pleasures, free art forms like that of dancing, I do not deserve to."

"The music…" he continues,"is enough."

Xiao does not know why, but at that moment he really does not want to look at the expression you have on your face. He despises vulnerability and yet, you always never fail to make him spill out another pathetic thing about himself.

Oh.

Maybe he fears it. Fears that the look on your face would be that of pity.

A warmth envelopes his hand, causing him to whip his face to you. You cup his cheek and he leans into your soft caress.

"I understand," you say softly. "You carry a heavy burden my love, and I want to be someone that you can lean on, not to make things heavier than they already are."

"Someday, in the near future or not, when you will be able to put that mask on and be free of your duties, perhaps we'll be able to dance to the flute amidst a sea of flowers."

Xiao does not know what to say, so he stays quiet. You truly are the one his heart belongs to, in this moment it is clearer than ever. How do you always know the exact words to calm his heart and to soothe his soul?

If there was one thing he did not deserve it was most definitely you.

#genshin impact reader inserts #genshin impact imagines #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #xiao x reader #xiao imagines #xiao #xiao genshin impact x reader #i think this is my best work of him yet #i think #i was writing dbh's 2nd chapter when i suddenly had the urge to word vomit this #gonna rb again on the weekends cause tumblr on the weekdays is dead as hell #Lynn writes

374 notes · View notes

hacash · 3 years

Text

ted lasso thoughts 2x08

hey, remember when everyone was worried that Ted Lasso Season 2 had too much fluff and not enough conflict? huh? everyone remember that?

everyone remember when we watched this because it was light and hopeful enough to get us through lockdown?

remember last episode when we thought all the dark forest would be about nate’s downward spiral and thought nothing else heavy could happen?

hell, remember when we first saw jamie tartt and thought there was no way we could sympathise with him as a character?

I’m not going to lie, the dark forest is dark and it is scary, but even in the midst of the trees there’s flickers of light. jamie’s entire storyline in this ep was building scene by scene - we could feel the tension growing, from that first screenshot of his phone saying “Dad” (not Dad, “Dad”, I mean fuck this show) right up to the moment when Tartt Senior bursts into the changing room. If Phil Dunster doesn’t get an Emmy nomination next year he will have been absolutely robbed - and then to put the icing on the cake, having Roy be the one to step up and hold him through the pain. I mean, damn.

A little underrated scene was Jamie and Higgins chatting: there’s no way in hell Jamie would have taken the time to so much as pass Higgins a word one season ago, let alone ask if he wanted the door to his closet-office closed. I particularly appreciated Higgins’ chat about his own father - it wasn’t straight-up ‘screw your dad if he’s a bad dad’, but neither was it a ‘you should always be there for your family no matter what’ message that children of abusive parents often get from well-meaning but ignorant bystanders, once again showing that Higgins picks up on more than not. Personally I’m waiting for Jamie to be invited around to the Higginses for Sunday lunch.

The shock on the entire Richmond team’s face through that scene. Oh man.

I never thought they’d have the audacity to kill off Sharon before the credits but whoa that still had me yelling at my screen while the theme song was still playing. I love how we’re seeing more of her as a character, not just a therapist. (And hearing her voicemails to Ted were something else.)

Ted. Oh Ted. I think a lot of us knew it was coming but still, that line hit more heavily than anything else in the episode. The bluntness of it coming out of nowhere - the fact that Ted is unsure whether or not that was what gave him his issues - the fact that we’re still scratching the surface... *weeps in football*

The Diamond Dogs exchanging vulnerabilities was such a precious moment. I’ve seen some say that they thought Nate’s expression was one of disgust at Ted’s revelation, and some that they thought it was relief at not being the only one struggling with mental health issues. For myself, I read it as shock - Nate’s always seen Ted on a pedestal, and the idea that your idol can suffer from the same weaknesses as you...well, that’s always a heavy moment. (Whatever it was, I’m sure it’ll come back to bite us in time.)

SAM ‘N REBECCA. It’s a testament to the two actors that even though everything in me feels iffy and odd and that this ain’t a good thing, their chemistry and acting is so good that you end up thinking ‘oh man, I wish this was workable for them’. Rebecca knows it’s not going to work, but comes up against Sam’s irrepressible youthful charm and hope, and after everything she’s been through...suddenly it’s so easy to understand why she’s sailing so close to the wind. But it’s almost definite that this ain’t gonna work out, and all we can do is hope like hell it ends as well as possible.

Seriously, look me in eye and tell me that if Toheeb Jimoh came up to you looking like he did all through that episode and asked to have dinner that you’d say no. I dare you.

Is Roy’s sister the doctor from the ER???? I really hope she is.

Roy taking on board everything he learned about being a good role model for Phoebe and comforting Jamie is just...just... *flails*

There wasn’t much to laugh at in this episode but my boy Colin never lets me down. That dumbbell scene had me cackling. Seriously, someone protect him. (I particularly loved the fact that we have Overprotective Boyfriend Isaac lambasting him for letting Colin nearly choke to death and then thirty seconds later does the exact same thing.)

THE HAIRCUTTING SCENE. There are no words other than cinematic masterpiece. I remember thinking at the beginning of this season that I wanted more for Isaac to do and to see him coming into his own as Captain and holy hell did I get my wish. Watching all the boys hoot and applaud and gush over Isaac’s effortless mastery of the clippers was the purest form of ‘boys will be boys’ I have ever seen or will ever see. (Until the next Richmond Himbos scene, ofc.)

And as a nice touch, watching Will take part and be included (holding the clippers’ tray ‘like a squire to a knight’) was lovely, particularly given the last episode.

The football match itself - it says a lot that this wasn’t even the focus, only as a tool to make our hearts break even more for Richmond FC - was hard to watch, particularly because it really felt like we were meant to feel like they just weren’t playing well? and I don’t quite understand why - I’ve already written about how Nate kinda had a point in this episode, that Roy and Ted dashing off for emergencies without telling anyone what they were is weird under any circumstance (let alone before such an important match) and possibly is a sign that while the team themselves are stronger than ever, everything is not quite well with the coaches of Richmond.

(seriously: ‘Sharon’s in the hospital and I’m going to make sure she’s ok’ ‘My niece has an emergency at school.’ Would that have been so hard? From a show that prioritises communication?)

And I really didn’t understand that little moment of Beard letting Nate - a junior coach, before a really important match - lead training. That, coupled with Beard being focused on as struggling to take the result, really intrigues me. It could be nothing, but so often this show drops little nuggets leading up to a big reveal, and the fact that the next episode looks to be Beard centric has me very interested, and more than a little anxious. As I am leading up to every episode of Ted Lasso these days, I suppose.

#ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #the little things

97 notes · View notes

cathedreal · 3 years

Text

en pointe. [Corpse x Female Reader]

・❥・Corpse x Female Reader ・❥・Genre: Fluff, hurt comfort ・❥・Word count: 1.5K+ words! ・❥・Requested: Yes! By the incredible 🩰 anon! Thank you so so much for putting in this request! I was thrilled to receive it! I was a dancer for about 14 years (including ballet) and this fic made me remember how much I love being on stage. I really miss it now. ・❥・The request: hello again! could you write something about and the reader, who’s a ballet dancer, arguing because he’s been promising to go see her perform but the show is running it’s last performance? Cheers! ~ 🩰 Request a fic/hc | Request List | Join my Discord server | Buy me a Ko-Fi

“You promised!”

“And I’m keeping to that promise,” Corpse replies, wrapping his arms around your frame. “Things have just been insane lately, that doesn’t mean that I forgot.”

You sigh softly in response, your shoulders dropping. Corpse pulls you closer and you lean against his chest, your fingers tangling in his shirt to absentmindedly play with the edges of it.

“I know, I don’t blame you,” you finally say, your lips finding his easily. “But the show is running its last performance…”

You bite your lip, trying to hide the disappointment that wraps around your heart in thorns, squeezing enough to make it bleed. Corpse notices immediately.

You like that he knows you so well, that you have fallen into such an easy rhythm in your relationship that gauging each other’s mood has become second nature. There is comfort in knowing that someone understands you so fully that you often don’t feel the need to explain yourself because the other already knows.

But, in times like these, you really wish that Corpse wasn’t able to read every single expression that crosses your face, that you couldn’t see the guilt in his.

“I haven’t forgotten,” Corpse assures you and drops a kiss on your forehead. It’s sweet yet fleeting and he soon pulls away again.

“You have to go,” you fill in for him and he nods, brushing through your hair one more time before moving to his office, closing the door behind him to shield you from the noise.

You sulk for the remainder of the day and it doesn’t slip by Corpse who watches helplessly as you frown, more to yourself than to him.

“I’m trying, Y/N,” Corpse says, reaching out to take your hand. “You don’t know how much it fucking pains me that I can’t easily go.”

“You don’t know how much it pains me that my boyfriend can’t even come to my performances that have been going on for a damn long time even though I always support said boyfriend in everything he does.”

It’s a low blow, you immediately want to apologise but instead you clench your teeth and breathe in and out deeply.

“Don’t,” Corpse says when you open your mouth to apologise and you snap it shut again, guilt filling your body until you feel like you’re going to choke on it. “I deserved it.”

“You didn’t!” you immediately protest but Corpse shakes his head again.

Corpse takes out his phone then and you watch incredulously as he types something, wondering what could be so much more important right now.

You wonder if he’s on Twitter, liking some tweets of fans which he seems to prioritise more than your relationship. It’s a nasty thought but you still have it. You never claimed to be perfect.

“What are you-“ you finally ask, needing Corpse to say something, do something to fix this mess. You want to shake him hard, urge him to finally choose you when he holds his phone up.

Thank you for your purchase.

“You… Oh.”

“Yes, oh,” Corpse replies and the corner of his mouth quirks into a small smirk of self-satisfaction. You don’t know if you want to kiss it off his face or whack it with a pillow. Maybe both.

“You have a stream that day,” you say stupidly and you wish that for once in your life you would just shut up already. Now you’ve planted that seed in his mind and he will cancel the performance. Again.

“I know, I’m cancelling it,” Corpse says and watches with wide eyes as your bottom lip curls outwards. “The stream,” he says quickly, wrapping you back up in a hug.

You both move back until you’re half sitting, half lying on the couch, Corpse’s cheek lying on your chest. “I’m sorry for being such a dick sometimes.”

“You’re not-“

“I am,” he says and looks up at you with sad eyes. “I should have come earlier but work always had my priority and I fucking regret it so much. I’m scared of suddenly becoming irrelevant and losing everything I built.”

“I know, I know you are,” you whisper and brush through his hair reverently. “I understand, I always have.”

Corpse shakes his head. “I’m more scared of losing you,” he finishes as if he hasn’t heard you. He takes your hand in his own, kissing your fingertips softly. Corpse takes his time and you let him, trying to keep the tears at bay. “You don’t have to understand anything. I should have been there and I wasn’t and now I’m making up for it.”

“Thank you,” you can only croak out and lose yourself in the kiss Corpse presses to your lips.

You don’t see Corpse before your last performance. It’s the early morning when you walk into the theatre, greeting some of your friends before you fling your stuff somewhere and put your earbuds in. You spend longer on stretches that morning, wanting your body to be loose as you go through some of the more difficult parts of your choreography meticulously. There is much more pressure now that you know Corpse is going to be in the audience and you want to impress him. You want him to be as proud of you as you are of him.

Hair and makeup are next and you strum your fingers against your leg impatiently as you move your brush with the other hand.

“Nervous?” Rose, one of your best friends in the company, asks. She puts her hands on your shoulders, rubbing the tension out of them sweetly.

“My boyfriend is coming so now I feel like more is at stake,” you reply honestly, relaxing back a little in your seat when you realise just how much you have been clenching your body because of the stress.

Rose smiles at you through the mirror and wraps you in a hug from behind. “You’re going to do great. You’re always great. Don’t worry too much and have some fun.”

You hold onto those words until you’re in the side wings, hopping en pointe, lowering yourself down slowly to keep your feet warm and flexible. Nervousness is clawing at your throat now, your stomach rumbling with nauseousness.

This is your job and yet… It always feels like so much more. It’s your passion, the one craft you have worked your ass off to master, it’s the ambition you now get to share with Corpse.

The moment you walk on stage, every bit of nervousness washes away when you fall in fifth position easily. You are aware of the eyes on you, the lights shining just a little too brightly into your eyes and Corpse sitting somewhere in the crowd.

Your movements are fluid, you almost feel like you’re dancing on air and you know that you look like it too from the applause when the first scene ends. Your confidence spikes and you’re no longer worried that Corpse won’t like what he sees, that he is not as impressed with you as you are with him. You know he loves it because you dance like you’re born to do only that.

The audience is too dark to see everyone clearly with the lights blinding you but when the lights dim for a moment you catch a glimpse of curly brown hair, a mask covering half of the man’s face, and you know it’s Corpse watching you.

Nothing else matters anymore at that moment, just the glance you share. You perform then like it’s just for Corpse, as if he’s the only person in the audience, silently cheering you on.

When the curtain finally falls and the applause dies out, you want to run to Corpse immediately but it’s not that simple. Costumes are to be returned and there is one bobby pin poking you in the head that you crave to take out of your complicated up-do.

It takes a while but once you can finally go, you almost fall in your haste to get outside. You take a big gulp of the cool night air and then you spot Corpse, waiting for you with a big bouquet of flowers, waving at you sheepishly.

“I won’t be such an idiot next time,” Corpse mumbles into your ear when you finally fall into his arms, tears threatening to fall from your eyes. “I can’t believe I could have seen you do this more than once and I didn’t take that change. I feel so stupid now.” “You’re not,” you tell him, leaving a smear of red lipstick where you brush your lips against his cheek. “I can do this at home too.”

Corpse looks at you and you can finally see his eyes up close, the awe and the yearning for more clearly written in his gaze.

“You’ll do that?” he asks, cupping your cheek to graze his thumb over your cheekbone.

“If you keep looking at me like that, I will.”

120 notes · View notes

dontbipanicjonsa · 3 years

Text

Did I just create another Tumblr account so I could write one (1) meta about GoT years after the show has ended? Yes. Yes, I did.

I just saw episode 7x04 and first of all, I would like to say a most heartfelt-

Yikes.

Yea no the Field of Fire scene is....many things, but a scene of triumph it is not. I'm going to say a lot of things now, all of which have already been said before I'm sure but oh well-

It's interesting that the show decided to have a scene humanising the Lannister army (especially Dickon Tarly) right before the invasion comes (I'm calling it an invasion coz that's what it is). Note that Dickon has appeared before, in season 6 and there he had next to no lines.

The first thing that strikes me about the Dothraki army approaching is that, yes, it is an invasion.

It comes out of seemingly nowhere. The Lannister army is caught completely unprepared, smack in the middle of a (morbidly) playful scene. The Dothraki look like invaders (because they are). They look terrifying and foreign (no one @ me about this- tell me if you won't shit your pants and wish they'd never crossed that damn sea if you had a Dothraki horde running at you full tilt). The Lannister army is shown literally quivering, and yet they stand their ground and fight bravely. We are meant to admire their grit.

Next, the scene very very clearly depicts the horrors of being burnt alive (for good reason- people watching the show seem to forget). This is shown repeatedly. The wagons are burning and the horses are running, trying to escape the fire. Soldiers are crawling into the water. Soldiers ripping off their helmets, their newly acquired burns visible.

I could go on, but the point is that the scene is filmed like a massacre, not a battle. The Lannister army never stood a chance. They put up the best fight they could, but they are essentially being butchered with their pants down. Is that meant to make me side with Dany? Yell in victory? Be like "Fuck yea, burn those Lannister fuckers, khaleesi". Uh

No.

Through it all, Danaerys and for most of the part, the Dothraki have the higher ground (coz dragons and horses). It creates an image, a story that is both familiar and unfamiliar. Dany setting her dragons and her Dothraki on people isn't new, but this is the first time we have sympathy for the people being burnt. The image created makes me think of...off the top of head? Uhhh bullies, strong crushing the weak, corporation (:/), murdered puppies, etc.

What did GMMR say? The villian is the hero of the other side? Hmm....

Danaerys is seemingly untouchable in this scene, but rather than making us feel awe, or making us feel powerful, triumphant, victorious whatever (through her)....we only feel dread, and a mounting horror.

Basically what I'm trying to find the right words to say is-

It's very hard to watch that scene and say "Yeah, you go girl".

Very hard. I can't. My reaction was more like-

"wtf have you unleashed on this continent? As if they didn't have enough shit to deal with already. You're burning the food?????? Gtfo this continent and take your lizards with you, invader".

Can you tell I really fucking hate conquering invaders? I do. The Targs and I do not get on.

On a seperate note, it's interesting to me that this is the same episode that has discourse about chosen kings/queens, why people follow Dany, and why Jon should bend the knee to her.

Let's examine-

Dany says the North chose Jon as their king because they believed he would do what's best for them, and since he himself believes that the North cannot beat the WW without Dany, he should let go of his pride (be a true king) and bend the knee, thus winning Dany's help in the fight against the WW. (Yes it wasn't exactly in those words but that's the crux of it, is it not?)

Now, the first thought that springs to mind is, what about her? This very argument can be turned against her. If she wants to be Queen of all seven kingdoms, and she believes Jon enough to promise to help him, should she not let go of her pride (be a true queen) and fight for the kingdom she wants to rule anyway? She is obviously somewhat shook by the cave paintings. The only concession I can give her here is that she doesn't have much reason to trust Jon here. It's a flimsy argument though- she does have reason to want the well-being of "her" kingdom. That's what monarchs do. That's what she expects Jon to do.

Still, I'm not entirely sure. The problem is that she's right. If his first priority is to protect his people, then giving up his crown should be a price that he's willing to pay. We can see Jon thinking about her words at the end of that scene, and I think that's because they struck a chord with him too.

I know that Jon does give up his crown to Dany sometime this season (I know the entire fucking story, I'm just watching it now for the first time for the first hand experience). So, can we say that Jon giving up his crown is his act of being a true king (someone who protects his people)? Yes, if his reason for bending the knee is to protect his people. Reasons matter. Context matters. Motivations matter. But we're not talking about that right now.

Let's look at the flip side. Would Dany give up her throne? This very same episode had Missandie talk poetic about Dany. It establishes that both Jon and Dany are monarchs chosen by their people. Jon is clearly skeptical of this. His questioning Missandie, and all his squinting (is the sun in his eyes or what????) all point to him not being sold on the Danaerys Experience.

I'm not sure how to articulate this...but Dany is a conquerer. The people who follow her (mostly) uncritically are either in love with her, or people like Missandie and Grey Worm, who were slaves that she freed. These people are not only subjects, and they do not have any authority of their own. They are followers. That is important. Danaerys collects and surrounds herself with followers. It's also important that almost right after Missandie gives a glowing review of Dany's greatness, we have a scene that is very clearly meant to shake our faith in her.

Or maybe I see this scene this way because I already despise the idea of a Targ Restoration? That's possible. I won't deny that I'm biased. I'll prefer anyone over Targs.

In conclusion, I would like to say that this is something to think about. Would Dany give up her crown for her people? I sincerely doubt it. I mean she prioritises Jon bending the knee over her helping people in the same conversation where she tells Jon he should prioritise helping people over.....not bending the knee. Then she burns food. Mind fucked.

Bless Missandie tho, she really believes what she's saying.

#dark danny #jonsa meta #pol!jon

22 notes · View notes

literaryfic · 3 years

Link

Chapters: 5/? Fandom: 빈센조 | Vincenzo (TV) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Vincenzo Cassano | Park Joo Hyeong/Hong Cha Young Characters: Hong Cha Young, Vincenzo Cassano | Park Joo Hyeong Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, vincenzo leaves, set five years after he left sk, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, vincenzo and cha-young are exes, they were in a relationship before, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Jealousy, Exes, Getting Back Together, Not Canon Compliant, i wrote this before ep 20, Canon-Typical Violence, Smut

Summary: Oh, how Cha-young wishes she could forget the past five years. Now that her anger has faded, she remembers clearly why she sealed herself in it; after anger comes sorrow, something she’s not sure she can overcome.

And just like the never-ending revolution of the Earth around the Sun causes the perpetual change of seasons — when flowers bloom after the frost melts and Spring follows Winter —, Cha-young finds herself knocking on Vincenzo’s door. They were two supernovas meant to collide and, although Cha-young wasn’t quite sure whether the impact would annihilate them or create a new form of life, she didn’t care.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, Park Joo-hyung?”

He opens the door, letting her in. She marches on, the door closing in a thump behind her. She turns to face him, his jaw is set. Both of them follow the familiar steps of a tango they’ve danced before, playing the part of an opera they know the end to.

“How dare you threaten and intimidate someone close to me?” She screams.

“Is that what he told you? Did he mention the phone call—”

“This has nothing to do with your behaviour!”

“Of course it fucking has, Cha-young-ah” Vincenzo is losing his temper too, and for the first time since they’ve met again, he’s yelling.“That bastard’s cheating on you, for fuck’s sake! Did you just expect me to pretend I didn’t hear anything? I thought you said we should be friends. That’s what friends do.”

“Whether he’s cheating on me or not, that’s none of your business. And I take it back, I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t want to be your anything. Leave me alone.” Cha-young’s index finger is pointing at him, and suddenly she realises how close they’ve gotten in the heat of their argument. She’s flushed, anger shading her cheeks red.

“You’re the one who came to me.” He whispers.

She can feel his breath on her face, and it’s taking everything in her to not look at his lips. His intoxicating scent is making her feel dizzy. She bites the inside of her cheek, the sharp pain bringing her back to her senses. She takes a step back.

“Because you think you can just waltz into my life as you please, Vincenzo.” She’s not looking at him anymore, the edge in her voice softened.

“If that were true, we both know very well that your little boyfriend would be dead by now.” His lips curl. His tone might be playful but she’s not sure he doesn’t mean it.

He’s looking at her and Cha-young knows he’s trying to make peace. He’d never liked to argue with her in the past, and he especially hated screaming matches. To everyone else, Vincenzo was intransigent, intimidating or even frightening. However, during their relationship, and although he’d been stubborn, he’d always been strangely compromising. She started the fights and he ended them. He would crack a joke, apologise and kiss her hand. He would burrow his face in her neck, wrap his arms around her waist and mouth ‘Forgive me’ against her skin. She’d feign resistance until he’d start tickling her. Then, they’d laugh together, forgetting about why they fought in the first place.

Oh, how Cha-young wishes she could forget the past five years. Now that her anger has faded, she remembers clearly why she sealed herself in it; after anger comes sorrow, something she’s not sure she can overcome. Submerged by a wave of melancholy, she can’t hold back the truth anymore.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Vincenzo’s eyes widen, he’s stunned. A few seconds pass, and it doesn’t look like he’s going to say anything, so she goes on. “I lied. I’m here with my employees, he’s my personal assistant.”

Finally, the weight of her words strikes him. “Why did you lie to me?” He asks quietly, his face unreadable. Was it so foolish of her to search for relief in his eyes?

She swallows the lump in her throat. “What, so you could see how pathetic I was without you?”

There it is.

In a few seconds, the man she loved would realise she’d always been nothing more than an empty shell on the shore, discarded by the seas. All her life, Cha-young had been abandoned by the people she cherished. Whether it was intentional or not, it seemed that no one stuck around for long. Contrary to what one might think, her father had been the first one to go. He’d stayed out late, prioritised his clients over his family and avoided them. Then, her mom had gone, her loss altering Cha-young’s life and identity so profoundly she had began to think of herself as split in two — pre-death Cha-young, the one who had been naïve and hopeful, and post-death Cha-young, the jaded and bitter adult who had designed her life around self-preservation. Later, when her dad passed away, abandoning her for the second time, she had promised herself that she wouldn’t let anyone leave ever again. She had wanted to protect those around her: the tenants, Babel’s victims’ families, the innocent.

Slowly, her partnership with Vincenzo turned into something deeper, into something more. She’d prepared herself, readying her heart; he would leave soon. But everything changed when he sealed the promise of forever with a kiss— or so she thought. Cha-young realised a heartbeat too late that she had mistaken an oath of love for an act of war; she had taken him prisoner, put him in shackles and thrown away the key.

Odysseus, the legendary hero set on an epic journey, had accidentally landed on Ogygia, and Calypso, the troubled nymph, had fallen in love with him. How could she not, when he was strong and beautiful, and she was lonely in her exile? She had held him captive as long as she could, but she had no claim over him, and the devastating sadness she had felt after he had escaped was laughable. He had deserted her, the last remains of their love piercing her heart like shards of glass.

“You’re not pathetic.” Vincenzo said firmly, interrupting her thoughts.

Cha-young turned away from him. “Drop it.”

“No. None of this is your fault, Cha-young-ah.” He closed the distance between them, and she could feel him right behind her. “I wanted to tell you later but— I legally changed my name to Park Joo-hyung. Wanna know why?”

“Because it was obnoxiously hard to pronounce?” Her attempt at diversion doesn’t work.

Instead, Vincenzo grips her arms and presses his forehead against her shoulder blades. She’s still not facing him, compelling herself to not look at him or touch him or feel him against her.

“I hated it so much that just hearing it made me sick. I hated myself, Cha-young-ah. Not because of the murders, the torture or all the atrocities I’ve committed— no.” He laughs wryly. “It’s because of what I did to you. Leaving you is the one sin I can’t seem to forgive myself for. And that is pathetic.”

She holds her breath. One. Two. Three. She faces him. Red eyes, hollow cheeks, desperation carving deep lines on his forehead. He looks like a tormented devil.

“What do you want, Vincenzo?” Cha-young whispers, an echo of the past.

Slowly, he locks his eyes on her. Those eyes, she thinks, they’re back.

“To repent.”

One. Two. Three. Cha-young grabs his face and kisses him. At first, Vincenzo stays still, hesitant. She’s about to break the kiss, reality catching up to her, when he opens his mouth and slips his tongue in hers. His hands grip her waist, bringing her closer, bringing her in. Her heart is beating so loudly she can’t hear herself think — or maybe she gave up on thoughts, and now she only feels. She feels him flush against her, she feels his hands; they burn her, leaving the imprint of him all over her body. God, how she had missed him.

There is no romance between them, only a visceral need to possess each other again. Soon enough, they’re on the bed, Cha-young on his lap, her hands pulling his hair so hard he hisses. Vincenzo bites her lower lip as retaliation and she rolls her hips against his erection, staring at him. He moans, head thrown back. Cha-young’s right hand cups his jaw firmly, making sure he’s looking at her. She wants to watch him fall apart, unravel under her touch.

“Take off your clothes.” What she asks, he does — rather awkwardly, she has to move off of him as he gets up, discarding his clothes on the ground without a care. He gets back on the bed from which she’d been watching him strip, lying next to her, completely naked. Their five years apart have somehow made him hotter, his upper body more toned, his biceps firmer. She counts a total of six or seven new scars, one of them still pink-ish and swollen. She reaches out, her finger following the gash running from his navel to his lower abdomen. He gasps when she doesn’t stop where the scar does — she continues on her way, surely, and takes him in her hand.

Vincenzo’s heavy breathing guides her movements, telling her when to stroke faster, when to slow down, when to twist. She stops right before he’s about to come, and the frustration in his eyes turns her on more than anything her last fling ever did.

“Don’t stop.” He asks, going in for a kiss.

Cha-young puts her hand on his mouth, “Tonight, I’m in charge, Joo-hyung-ah.”

His eyes light up and he smiles, “Yes, ma’am.”

Slipping out of her dress in no time, she climbs on top of him, taking his hands in hers and putting them above his head. There’s something thrilling about having him at her mercy, vulnerable under her. He’s hard against her thigh, and although he’s not talking, she hears his silent plea. Slowly, she sits on his cock, savouring the pleasant stretch; he feels so good, and her so full, at last.

“Oddio!” On his lips, God’s name becomes a curse.

She keeps a slow pace, it takes time to revisit a long-lost lover after all. She rolls her hips, turns, bounces. Once she’s figured out how to pleasure herself, she moves faster. Closing her eyes, she frees his left hand and puts it on her breast. Vincenzo is nothing if not an eager disciple trying to prove his worth, and so he caresses her enthusiastically, his thumb brushing against her hardened nipple. What a good boy, she thinks, before pressing her body against his, engulfing him in a kiss.

His hand finds her hair, cascading down her naked back. She kisses him everywhere — his lips, his cheeks, his neck. She needs to have him whole, to consume all of him, so she can keep him in her forever. She feels a familiar warm building up inside of her, but she’s not ready for it to be over yet. She stops bouncing on him abruptly and his eyes fly open, irked. She intertwines their fingers, and whispers, “Look at me.” Once again, he obeys her command, his eyes roaming her face, her breasts, her thighs. They go up and down, taking her in, devouring her. She feels hot under his gaze, and she picks up the pace. He parts his mouth, whimpering faintly. He thrusts back into her hard, and they find the right rhythm. Soon enough, Cha-young is there, right there, a white-hot flash of pleasure overwhelming all her senses.

“Cazzo!” He must have come too then. Fuck, indeed.

Cha-young is still on top of him, Vincenzo still inside of her. She rests her head against his chest, their flushed skin sticky with sweat. He’s playing with her hair absentmindedly, still trying to catch his breath. She looks up at him, and they kiss again, but this time it’s different. She feels it all, his longing, how much he’s missed her, how scared he is that this is all a dream. In this moment, she can’t tell where she ends and where he starts. She’s never been closer to him, never understood him as much as she does now.

Were the tears on her lips hers or his? The time for questions will come later, right now there’s only them, together — an ever-lasting moment they stole from the Fates.

#vincenzo #chayenzo #chayenzo fic #my fic #vincenzo fic

33 notes · View notes

shadowhuntering · 3 years

Text

Matthew & Alastair comparison

I’ve been re-reading Chain of Gold in prep for Chain of Iron and I've noticed that Matthew and Alastair are a foil of each other.

I’ve also been re-reading Cast Long Shadows for investigative purposes and it furthers my realization.

Matthew and Alastair have been through similar issues, but are the opposite (if that makes sense) in some ways. eg. Alastair had to pick up after Elias who is a drunk; Matthew is also a drunk. How they responded to these issues tells you a lot about their nature.

This is my observations, purely for analytical purposes so if I sound particularly harsh towards a character, I do not mean to be.

1. Personalities are the opposite to the other.

Matthew’s personality is literally meant to "blind people" because he's sunny, outgoing and is meant to be the life of the party (or his mask).

Alastair on the other hand is literally "dark" he is broody, not very forth coming and can be very prickly

Ironically though, both have the façade of being conceited when they are the opposite. Though you could argue that Matthew’s alcoholism is a result of being selfish. However, he has little regard for himself which is the danger.

Definition of selfish: Concerned chiefly or excessively with oneself, and having little regard for others.

2. They share a similar notion of love not being real, or won't last.

Alastair just having a very pessimistic view in general, but Matthew says it about himself. He has full faith that other people will have happiness, where he doesn’t see it happening for himself.

3. Alastair is unapologetically himself, whereas with Matthew he hasn’t been himself for a while, and even back before the events of Cast Long Shadows he was trying to fulfill what people needed at the time.

Matthew cares too much about the people around him to think about himself, but also tries not to care as he fulfills the bad reputation people have of him. He has a mask/façade(s) to help liven or distract, yet he also openly degrades himself. He keeps people at arms length so that they will not be disappointed by him, but also forms close bonds with people. He so badly wants someone to love him, but he doesn't want to help himself or be vulnerable to other people. He’s a walking contradiction.

Alastair does regret the things he did, but he doesn't think less of himself because of them. He did all those things to protect himself from hurt. Alastair also doesn’t care for his attitude. It’s not his problem if people don’t like it basically 😂 He clearly has people he cares about like Sona and Cordelia and prioritises them also. He is also actively trying to right his wrongs on not dwell on his past. He wants to move on with his life.

4. Matthew doesn't want to help himself, Alastair does want to help himself and become a better person.

Matthew openly degrades himself yet keeps his own secrets and thoughts of himself. He self-destructs as he feels he deserves it, even when people reach out and try to care for his well-being and that of others they also love (eg. Lucie’s confrontation). He doesn't see that he is hurting the people around him and also himself because of his attitude towards his own life really. He doesn’t have much of a quality for life. He is clearly depressed. He fails to let anyone in because he doesn’t want to help himself and also thinks too much about what people think of him when honestly the perception they have of him now is probably much lower now because 1. how he has chosen to deal with his mistake 2. how he has kept it to himself therefore making it look like the people who care about him would cast him out.

Alastair knows what he did wrong and is trying to improve himself for the betterment of himself. It was evident that at the time of Cordelia finding out about Charles, he wanted to break free, but once he got over being mad at Cordelia for snooping (rightfully so tbh) he understood that she loves him and would give him the support he needed; he had the inspiration from her to commit to moving forward and make amends for himself. Sure, he kept people at arms length in order to protect himself but inherently he does make himself vulnerable for other people. He still let in Charles, made himself vulnerable to love. Then with Thomas... he let Thomas see his guard down in Paris (and before that Thomas just saw right through him) and he ended up allowing Cordelia in, taking heed of her advice and love. He knew that Charles was hurting him and other people, so he stood up to him. He is much more open and vulnerable which is ironic really.

To me, the progression Alastair has already made makes me believe that the same will come for Matthew. However, the bottom line here is that Matthew self-destructs and doesn’t want to help himself whereas Alastair wants to be a better person and look after himself. Alastair has self-love which is what Matthew severely lacks.

5. Both had to grow up fast due to responsibilities of looking after their father...

Matthew arguably has "Mommy issues". This is not me making excuses for Matthew, or even criticizing Charlotte in any way, this is just my interpretation of Cast Long Shadows...

Matthew seems to have low self-esteem and love for himself due to abandonment issues it seems. He probably felt abandoned as a child by Charlotte. It's not that he was unsupportive of her or holds anything against her, but when you look at it objectively, his upbringing shaped his reaction to Alastair and to himself. She literally left him crying at 6 years old and told him to "look after your father" as she had to go off with Charles. Cast Long Shadows is a huge emphasis of how the feeling of abandonment from Charlotte, leading to how he instantly believed that Charlotte had an affair with Gideon and took drastic action. This I feel is because he never felt comfortable to openly discuss to her about himself really. He also didn't trust her...

I do not wish to insult Charlotte as her job is serious and I'm so proud of her, but unfortunately, due to it, it made an impact on who Matthew is now. He didn't trust, nor feel comfortable enough to sit down and talk to Charlotte because he never really got to know her properly or wanted to burden her. It probably also felt like she had favoritism over Charles, and Matthew didn't want to step on her toes. She also never noticed the little things he did like make her favourite scones and he just went feeling unloved or unappreciated (though he should have said something?). She would ask of him to be sensible, didn't really engage much in his humor which probably contributed to how he viewed himself as well as he already was so self-conscious and was vying for her attention. No offense to Henry but his immersion into his science probably left Matthew feeling abandoned as well as he was the one caring for him, then Christopher is the one who understands and engages. Matthew was his carer, effectively, making sure he ate, drank, slept and wheeled him about. He did love his father though, so he didn’t mind. Though Henry does praise him when he breaks the news about them expecting which just made Matthew feel more guilty of his accidental poisoning.

It’s like Matthew wants all of the attention, but he never voices what he wants aloud. This results with no one paying him much heed. In Cast Long Shadows there is also a comparison to James and Lucie’s relationship with Tessa and Will. James and Lucie have communication with their parents, along with known support and trust. Matthew does not seem to have this as he seems too afraid to voice it, not because he is scared of Charlotte and Henry, but because he is too considerate of them. I also find it Ironic that the next story in GotSM is Every Exquisite Thing where there is a huge emphasis of Anna and Cecily’s relationship with each other. Anna being too scared that Cecily would be critical and not understand her, but when Cecily comes to Anna at her worst, she completely understood Anna and supported her, making her feel better. To me this is another stark contrast to Matthew where his parents are too busy to build a good relationship with him, and when there is a heart to heart (Henry talking with Matthew) it is too late and doesn’t ease his mind. Anna also points out how no one would approach Matthew because “he did not do well under confinement”- it makes sense, he doesn’t like confrontation.

(I can go into further detail about Cast Long Shadows with Matthew’s upbringing being detrimental to his view of himself)

Alastair however has "Daddy issues". Alastair has a similar case of looking after his father, but he came to resent his father because he never got himself better or was so drunk to even remember or acknowledge Alastair and his help or I suppose confront his problem. Alastair knows what it can do and simply does not want to re-live it, and as Cordelia is now friends with Matthew, he doesn't want Cordelia being hurt by Matthew either or having to pick up after him as he did for Elias. That is also where they butt heads. It is too coincidental that Matthew is also drinking to forget, and is not wanting to make himself be better and deal with it. Alastair is trying to protect Cordelia, but he is also allowing her to make decisions for herself.

In ChoG Alastair says he was 10 when he learnt to fill the brandy bottles with water to mask the levels that had been drunk. He was probably picking up his father and "looking after him" well before that. Alastair tried to protect Cordelia from this because he was being more considerate for her sake. He wanted her to have a childhood he was robbed of. He is also being a foil here of Charles. Charles was so self-involved that he never decided to even think about his younger brother, Matthew. Alastair was compassionate; Charles was not. Alastair is a good older brother; Charles was not and was even accusatory that Matthew being parabatai with James and being in London is what caused Charlotte to be ill... he just has so much resentment...

I also believe that Alastair wanted the burden off of his mother, and I'm wondering if he knows more about Sona and her feelings towards Elias being sour and terrified (This is I feel what is indicated in the teaser of when Elias appears where Sona seems to go pale) despite rushing to him and hugging him etc.

“Sona went white and laid a hand against the wall to steady herself. "Elias?"”

Alastair was bitter and twisted and he never wanted people to know because he knew it was a weak spot for him. It is what sparked him telling Matthew the rumor in the first place.

“ "I wish I could say the same for you," said Matthew. "Has no kind soul thought to inform you that your hairstyle is, to use the gentlest words available to me, ill-advised? A friend? Your papa? Does nobody care enough to prevent you from making a spectacle of yourself? Or are you simply too busy perpetrating acts of evil upon the innocent to bother about your unfortunate appearance?" “

...

“Instead Alastair said: "Who are you to play the moralist, talking about tricks and papas, considering the circumstances of your birth?" “

He ultimately had inherited his father's shame which was wrong. It's what Cordelia has told him as well. Alastair shouldn't have to think of the mess of Elias; it is his shame to deal with, not Alastair’s.

Though arguably, as a result of Alastair giving Cordelia an innocent childhood, it opened the doors for Cordelia to want to reach out for him, due to her optimism and love, and as he loves his sister dearly, he takes what she has to say to heart. They will now face things together as a support network and hopefully they also have communication with their mother. Although their family may be "broken" they arguably have more communication and togetherness than Matthew does with his family.

(Sorry, that bit was long)

6. Result of their nature after childhood being robbed

Matthew seems to act more of a "child" anyways, being more “frivolous”. He is being reckless, he is a little petty as well. Whereas Alastair decided to grow up too fast and is more mature and relatively grounded. It did harden him to begin with, but he doesn’t want to completely isolate himself. He’s just simply more rational. This I feel is in their nature though, not nurture.

7. Matthew is slowly driving everyone away, this is kind of what Alastair tried to achieve

Alastair at the Academy decided that he would be the bully in order not to be the one being ridiculed, thinking that he would be better off and retain a hard skin, but all it did was make him regret and never allowed him to create good bonds with people. Then when he came back from the Academy, he distanced himself from Cordelia. I interpreted this as him dealing with his guilt and regret and tried to not get Cordelia too close to him because of it, but Cordelia cared about him too much. Though it could’ve just been that he got too used to having a hard skin, not letting anyone close. Throughout ChoG he builds his bond with Cordelia, and we also see James coming around to Alastair. Thomas as always was curious and saw his better side and Christopher was seemed ready to give him a second chance. Though due to Matthew’s spew at the end, there is distance between him and Thomas and others (save Jordelia).

Matthew is driving everyone away, simply because he is being so reckless. He had originally established good relationships with people. Then, when Lucie confronts him he literally avoids it, no matter how realistic she was being and how much he cared for her, but that was it; he cared too much for her to tell her. We see that even James will snap at him in COI

Teaser #41: "There is no point to it," said Matthew. "If you will never see reason or good sense—"

"Because you're a bastion of reason and good sense?" James snapped. He knew he had a temper, just like his father; his anger spilled past everything else, tasting of copper and fury. "Matthew, you are drunk. For all I know, you mean nothing you are saying."

"I mean all of it," Matthew protested. "In vino veritas—"

"Don't you quote Latin at me," said James. "Even if you were sober, you've never taken love seriously enough to lecture me. Your passions have been a series of dalliances and ill-conceived attachments. Look at me and tell me there is something you love more than that bottle in your hand."

Matthew also decides to move out and get his own place to force independence and probably drive even more of a wedge between himself and Charlotte. We also knows he has an argument with Charlotte; his apartment and car is undoubtedly a result of that, escaping the conflict and confrontation.

Anna had wanted to talk to him (Every Exquisite Thing), Magnus also wanted to help him. Lucie has always wanted to help for the sake of James and James has always known something was off. They just know that he wouldn’t say anything, and I think most were in the hopes that he would eventually say something. We know that Cordelia is most likely the one he tells thankfully! It is ironic that it is Cordelia for both Alastair and Matthew as well. So it already looks like Chain of Iron will provide the break and repair of relationships for Matthew, similar to Alastair’s progression of self-love.

8. Matthew is very open about his sexuality. Alastair does try and keep it hidden, however it’s more complicated. This is a reflection of their concern of judgement.

Although Matthew keeps things to himself, he admittedly is not afraid of what people think of him as his expectations of himself are so low. However, he is also ruled by the expectations of others, all through his life people had low expectations of him (again, another thing that influenced his actions in general) and he feels to fulfill that obscure one in spite?? The reputation the he has, has always been obscured because in everyone's eyes it will and always has been Charles who will inherit and uphold the good reputation as Consul as they don’t see Matthew as smart or responsible. However, the latter there he doesn’t help prove them wrong...

Alastair keeps his sexuality secret, that is until Cordelia finds out and he eventually warms up to her. Plus he was dependent of Charles as well, but committed himself that he wouldn’t be the side-dish. He wants to love himself for himself, not be hidden as a secret.

There is also a "reputation" element of the family that he still wants to uphold. He is learning though that he has to put himself first and should make amends for his reputation and not have to be burdened by others. Though I would argue that Cordelia is the one who is more concerned about it, but now she knows the truth she is wavering. It’s more complex.

To conclude:

I feel like their stories will either reflect the other, or will be intertwined somehow. As Alastair has dealt with a drunk and looks down upon alcoholism in general because of his experience makes me believe that Matthew might need Alastair's perspective to grow up. Once he understands Alastair I feel it may pave the way for forgiving and loving himself.

Alastair was the "spark" of making him spiral, but he was well on his way of questioning his family's loyalty and love of him before that (hence why we were given so much background) and it played into his weakness. Matthew I think wants to take it out on Alastair (he says he didn't blame Alastair or the Faerie. Alastair is just easy to take his frustration out on) as he is not prepared to come to terms with himself or even his family for that matter for his grievance. He loves his family very much and that’s why he feels so guilty, but it's wrong for him to believe so easily and hide his guilt away and that has to be due to his upbringing...

tldr; Alastair and Matthew have stark comparisons to each other that it’s probable that they are detrimental to each other’s character arcs.

@sparkofsummer

#tsc #matthew fairchild #alastair carstairs #coi #tlh #chog #cog2 #chain of iron #chain of gold #the last hours #shadowhunters #the shadowhunter chronicles

48 notes · View notes