#i think she is legitimately one of the best creative minds of our generation

[moonfruito]

sorry i think maybe everyone else has moved on from barbie but i have been thinking so much about the reaction when billie eilish was first announced for the barbie soundtrack where everyone was like "umm... GREATEST songwriter of our generation???? i think not!!" and "i just don't think she suits the vibe :/" as if billie has not proven herself multiple times to be fucking FANTASTIC at making music for film, with the bond song and then with the music for turning red that single-handedly inspired an entire sub-fandom to emerge for the fictional boyband and multiple other occasions going all the way back to her soundcloud days when she wrote one for the walking dead for fun when she was twelve or thirteen and i just. i think of her at the grammy's when she broke records for her debut album and her saying "i think ariana should've won instead" and her saying that it was the best and worst day of her life because she'd just won SIX grammy's but everyone was telling her she didn't deserve it. and i am thinking about the multiple scenes in barbie where they point out how often women who are given accolades and awards for their achievements act as though they did not deserve it, like they did not work hard to get where they are, and they duck their heads and laugh and give the credit to someone else and they never, never acknowledge that they poured their heart and soul into making sure they would standing on this stage one day, and that they've honestly and genuinely earned their place there. and i am thinking about the complete 180 people pulled after hearing the song in the movie and being hit with the raw emotional power of her song and that scene and realising that billie is actually immensely skilled at what she does. it pains me like hell to see what women have to do to prove themselves to audiences and for people to truly recognise talent and skill and give credit where credit is due, and i am exhausted on billie's behalf and on that of every female artist who gets on that stage in front of millions who won't take her seriously, but it feels fitting that this is the film that's changed people's minds, at least a little bit. it's not changing the world, but it matters anyway. which is, i guess, the film's message.

#i am such a billie eilish fan #don't expect me to ever get on here and talk about it again but let it be known #i think she is legitimately one of the best creative minds of our generation #and i love her dearly #my textpost #barbie #billie eilish #what was i made for

[spiders-hth-is-an-outlier]

While I am fully on-record as supporting the right and privilege of every artist to write whatever weird shit they want to write, because 1) art is a completely legitimate way to explore the outer reaches of human experience in a safely contained way and B) You Can Do Whatever You Want Forever, don't let a bunch of wannabe brain cops issue you an endless stream of moral citations -- I will say it's a tiny bit embarrassing when my team gets stuck on the argument "obviously people know right from wrong, reading a book isn't going to make a good person do bad things."

Because, like, yes, sure. Movies don't create psychos, Sydney, they just make psychos more creative. You're correct, but you're embarrassing because "Hannibal might make people think cannibals are sexy" is the lowest of low-hanging fruit, the definition of a strawman argument.

The problem is you're staking it all on the notion that there are Good People who will always know how to do good things and be sufficiently motivated to do so. Therefore, if someone does bad things, well shit, their Good Person Gauge was obviously broken, nothing we can do about that. Too bad about Bad People.

And that's. Just self-evidently incorrect, right? I mean, I think there's a good argument that in general, a predisposition toward prosocial behavior is part of the standard human software, something that we recognize as a "moral instinct" toward things like keeping your word and playing fair and making friends. But beyond that, you can't possibly look at all of human history and not realize that people contextually develop their sense of what's morally acceptable and unacceptable. Obviously! Obviously a person who wants to be a Good Person is going to be receiving and processing information all their lives from the people around them, learning how to separate normal from abnormal, admirable from disreputable, virtue from vice.

I can give you an easy, television-related example (the best kind of example!) When I was in college, I like most people I hung out with watched Friends, and we all framed Ross in our minds as a Good Boyfriend. We liked that he was loyal and devoted, that he knew Rachel well and seemed to care about her specifically; we saw him as the antithesis of the kind of sleazy, dishonest users and takers that we were always anxious to identify and avoid. And yes, many plotlines revolved around Rachel's objections to Ross' excessive jealousy and his resentment of her career, but in the context of the show, she always forgives him because she -- and the audience! -- interprets this as a stressful by-product of how intensely he adores her and his omnipresent anxiety that she's too good for him. It's not that we thought he was right -- the episodes themselves don't even frame his behavior as correct! But we thought. Well. That's the normal tradeoff. Relationships are hard, right? Someone was going to love us too much or not enough, and in the end, wasn't too much better? Women always have to manage male emotions, but this particular kind of admiration/neediness/insecurity was the Good Boyfriend set of emotions to have to manage.

And I'm not arguing that the reason women put up with sad-sack dudes flattering them into curtailing their lives so they don't outgrow unsupportive relationships is that Friends was a big hit. Movies don't, Sydney, etc. But I do think that in a culture where Media is kind of everyone's common language, people really, genuinely do consume media in a way that fundamentally forms their sense of what's normal and who's likeable and which stressful invasions against our boundaries and dignity are forgivable.

Anyway, write whatever you want! It's just one example of the way that I've personally witnessed real human beings adjust their sense of right and wrong around the media that's served to us as aspirational. So I know that does happen, and it has nothing to do with "adults know right from wrong;" I don't think that's a statement that's especially germane to real conditions in the real world.

[joegranatoiv]

Picard, and The Moment I Knew...

With Picard S3 luring fans of TNG with the promise of getting the band back together again and attempting to lull criticisms with familiar characters, images, and the occasional musical motif, I thought it was a perfect time to articulate the precise moment that I knew that the show runners of this series had no real interest in the IP toys they were playing with.

In the first two seasons, there are so many moments that one could point to that were so tonally bizarre, so defiant of the spirit of the parent show, so incongruent with the reason that the legions of lasting TNG fans were eager for a better sendoff for this crew than Nemesis. I could write a laundry list of issues that I have had with the series on those terms. I think a fun sparring match could be had over which climactic scenario was worse - S1's absolutely needless, thematic thud that was Picard being turned into a sentient android indistinguishable from his person, with all the flaws, health ailments, and same general life expectancy, or S2's metaborg deescalating the final conflict by convincing borg queen, TNG era trek's arch nemesis, through two or three lines of shoddy dialog that the obscene galactic threat should try the tactic of being nice to everyone rather than conquering civilizations, and it worked.

And yet, neither of these laughable head scratchers even comes close to my biggest moment of criticism.

Like most I guess, I generally consider the TNG era of trek to consist of the sporadically connected The Next Generation, Voyager, and Deep Space Nine. They overlapped in their chronology, had similar tone, and explored many of the same themes. TNG and VOY also connected over a central series antagonist, The Borg. While many will (justly) suggest that as fun as the Queen-led Borg were in the feature length First Contact and throughout VOY, the arcs often ran contradictory to the initial concept of the space-zombie hive mind consciousness and the horror of the emotionless, pragmatic approach to their seemingly unstoppable methods of conquest. But even throughout Voyager, the concept of the Borg make for a perfect foil to a United Federation of Planets and our vignette experiences with the crews of some of their vessels. Each Star Trek ship from the show's inception is demonstrative of an array of cultural identities working congruently towards positive ends with overarching inclusivity for a breadth of ideologies, and the benefits that come from cooperation over indoctrination. In contrast, the Borg strip individual identity and remove the inefficiency of dissent in exchange for collective, more optimized, singular purpose. It's always fascinating to see the achilles heel in the Federation play out as disparity, while the Borg's weak link is their inability to anticipate creative problem solving. And even when the Borg are at their hammiest in Voyager, I think these things still hold as their container, and in that, they remain watchable. That, though, is a wholly different conversation. In terms of this critique, I want to focus on the breakout character that gave Voyager renewed life in its third season, and is reintroduced in Picard, Jeri Ryan's Seven of Nine.

Conceptually, Seven is a great sci fi character, and for every bludgeoning thematic riff the writers ran the character through, there are legitimately complex and nuanced sociological, ideological, and technological issues in the grace notes and overtones. In this respect, she is the Data of Voyager, grappling with high concept questions of identity and humanity for five seasons. Seven's story is tragic; originally Annika Hansen, a six year old child assimilated by the Borg, she is severed from the collective by Janeway and crew. This liberation is an inversion of Picard's liberation from the collective in TNG's Best of Both Worlds. Instead of reveling with the taste of freedom, it is a horrifying experience. She is severed from the only world that she knows - she does not consider herself to have been saved. She was kidnapped and robbed of her will by the evil Federation. She spends a long while attempting to rejoin the collective with the lives of her captors being inconsequential. She longs to return to the hive mind. She wants to be borg. And the ethical quandaries of the crew of Voyager preventing that are certainly interesting and resonant.

Through five seasons of television, we watch her grow. She never truly embraces the child that was assimilated, but she does make peace with the growing preference for her individual agency. It takes a massive character arc for her to embrace her humanity in the end.

Fast forward thirty years to Picard. She is a logical inclusion in this universe. Both Picard and Seven were once assimilated. The Borg are still the titular character's most iconic foe, and seeing the prejudices that a Borg survivor faces has the potential to make for great societal mirroring.

But it was in an arc (I use the term lightly) involving this character that I realized this show with its existing creative team would never be able to redeem itself.

In the 8th episode of S1 of Picard entitled Broken Pieces, our heroes are aboard a decommissioned borg cube, one that is being used to experiment on the former adversaries towards what we presume is some nefarious ends. The team of protagonists are outmatched and being hunted by the antagonists. That's when Seven has a crazy idea...

Let me say that the setup for this concept is exactly what I want for Star Trek. As I describe the event from a voice emanating from a fictional writer's room, I do so in an aspirational way. I can almost hear the pitch. "I got it," says one of the writers. "Seven is put in a dire position with major potential consequences. This has to, for some reason, take place on a decommissioned borg cube. She realizes that she has the capacity to jack in as a new borg queen and re-assimilate the thousands of borg drones, which is the only forseeable way to give our protagonists the upper hand and allow them as a group to prevent some terrible atrocity. But at what cost? Not only does she have to violate the minds of all those assimilated drones, becoming the embodiment of TNG's most prominent villain and the thing that effectively stole her entire life, but she also may find herself powerless to the allure of being at the center of the collective again, an instinct that has taken her 30 years to combat. What does she do? What is the greater good in this scenario? When presented with this lesser of two evils, could this re-assimilation be seen as a character's self sacrifice? Do we get sympathy for the proverbial devil, and come to appreciate the borg in a whole new way? Broader - we can hold a mirror up to contemporary justifications for war - maybe she loses control and becomes the thing she fears, and it's all a metaphor for the runaway military machine. Or in contrast, maybe we can even come to extend inclusivity to actual borg mentality and their ideology, and really draw red circles around the subjectivity of good and evil. It works on a character level, as this is the ultimate test for her! It might even speak to things like the fear backsliding in the face of addiction or empathy for a victim's subservience to an abuser out of consequence. It works on a thematic level, as it really examines AI and agency! It works as a TNG era plot! It fits into the narrative we're telling! It's great! What cool sci fi!"

And yes. All of that would be great. I actually imagine this as a Voyager / TNG crossover, or maybe a movie based on this exact premise at it's core, and I think it's fantastic. It has the potential to be one of those scenarios that defines what we love about Trek.

But let's really think about the execution. And herein lies where I realized just how much this show doesn't get it, and probably never will, and has yet to show me a single moment that demonstrates otherwise.

At 27:53 in the episode, the plan to become the borg queen and direct the drones to do her bidding to save the protagonists is articulated. At 28:09, the conflict is articulated. "They might not want to be released, and I might not want to release them."

(a bunch of other plots are explored before returning to this scenario).

At 40:50- 41:03, she jacks into the collective without hesitation. At 41:53, her eyes darken, and the entirety of the cube echoes a "We are Borg". At 41:14, the bad guys open an airlock. Every single borg drone is pulled into space.

The next time we cut to Seven, she disconnects and says, "It's over." It is resolved in the 13 seconds between 50:32-50:45.

So, to be clear, for what should've been a major event in this series, in context one of the most profound character moments for TNG, with huge implications on themes and consequences for the plot...it's inserted as less than a footnote. We get about 15 seconds of setup, about 15 seconds of CG "connecting to the hive", 10 seconds of actually assimilating the collective before the whole scenario is neutralized, and less than 10 seconds of tension before the character disconnects without incident, temptation, or consequence. Literally, functionally zero happened here. There was not compromise made. There was no consequence for the action. There was no character growth. There was no narrative push. There was no thematic exploration. And this entire intriguing, evocative, topical, powerful potential arc launches and lands in less than 50 seconds of screen time.

The teaser trailer for Picard S1 was over two minutes. The teaser trailer had significantly more run time than the combined total of one of the most powerful thematic arcs in the entire show. The opening title sequence is a minute and thirty seconds. The opening title sequence is longer than this entire arc.

And this in a season that ultimately turned out to be centered around the very concept of AI, autonomy, technological agency, technophobia, and identity...like, all the things that this scenario was primed to explore. I'm not reaching here - these were the things the script of the show set up. And that's the execution we get?

This was the moment I realized that there was no redemption, that the show wasn't really leading to anything, and that it really wasn't ever going to be a Trek-like experience. It was just going to have all of the intelligence and charm of a six year old kid playing with Trek action figures.

That level of quality has persisted throughout both the first and second seasons, and I'm not sure the promise of familiar faces in the third is reason enough to hope for anything more. It will inevitably just be more of this. Familiar things for the fanboys, high concepts brushed by at maximum warp, with no greater aspiration for any of it.

Brains off. Engage.

[loki-wants-an-army]

Why is our Loki so underpowered now though? Since when does he not know how to do magic on his own??? We’ve seen him cast illusions, use mind control or influence, shapeshift, and telekinesis buildings into oblivion. We’ve seen him wield the Tesseract and the Casket of Ancient Winters. He can hide from Heimdall. We’ve seen him go toe-to-toe with Thor and the other Avengers. He’s battled frost giants, tricked and slain Laufey, and killed six Dark Elves in like three seconds. He gets up from being shot point-blank with a SHIELD energy cannon without so much as a scratch, easily catches Hawkeye’s arrow with his bare hands, is unharmed by its explosion, and is still barely scathed after being Hulk smashed through reinforced concrete. He doesn’t die when he gets killed. All the other variants of the character are off doing sorcery or highly skilled fighting in this series and yet most of the time ours just flits about awkwardly whilst dressed as a TVA accounting temp? Where is the sardonic, razor wit? He is not the only one lacking it, no one in this show feels clever.

Frankly, I think the ability to write a magically powered character well is directly dependent on the creativity, intellect, and boldness of the writers. Why was he running around to distract the lianth? We know he can duplication cast, create illusions, and hel, make fireworks, etc. Any or all of his own established powers would have served as well as or even better than a variant-ex-machina. He could have even led the other variants to that idea by starting it. More importantly, there are other ways to create intensity and drive a plot forward, you don’t always have to just throw up a giant monster or explosion.

I think the writers are too invested in their OCs. (B-15 is actually interesting though, at least she’s someone whose story seems worth caring about. C-20 could have been explored better too). Sylvie is a character I could have been very fond of if the story was being written differently, but as it stands now I feel almost resentful towards her. I came to see Loki (and not as her comic relief sidekick and/or *cringes* canon love interest. Of course fanfic writers and shippers feel free to do whatever you wish, and know that I don’t judge you for it, but that said I also don’t believe it should be in the official MCU canon. I really hoped and thought it would just be a fake-out).

Loki is NOT A NARCISSIST.

I don’t find it funny to use repetitive torture as a gag particularly on an already canonically abused and traumatized character (especially one of whom I am unashamedly rather fond, but this is a general rule). Loki is not some coddled little disney prince. This character ( the God of Mischief, a Prince of Asgard, the rightful King of Jotunheim) has been through a ridiculous variety of his own hardships, battles alongside Thor, battles against him, and alone. He is extremely powerful and experienced. He did not start out as a typical villain, and “redemption” does not mean he has to be depowered, converted into a typical hero, or otherwise made boring. Loki has always hovered somewhere more towards the middle, most interesting part of the spectrum, one slight shift of balance or interpretation sends him tilting back-and-forth from one side or the other in each given situation.

For whatever reason, the writers feel the need to have every character directly say everything they think and feel out loud as it happens. It comes across clunky, ooc, oversimplified, and dull. They also tell us what they want us to think about each character. You can’t tell your audience how to feel, the organic response to and interpretation of the story, its characters, and their actions is our glorious purpose job. Especially coming in with a character like Loki who has had a dedicated fanbase since the days of yore, you can’t afford to be so presumptuous as to believe the audience will just buy right into your interpretation, story, and your OCs’ words about him immediately or without question. We the audience have been around Loki and gotten to know and understand this character over a long time. Sure there’s differing fan interpretations, but there’s also some things that even if not outright stated in dialogue are still indisputably part of the text. Mind your lore and all its rich details. Respecting the history of an already familiar character should actually broaden the scope of your own storytelling. 

In Thor (2011) Loki was legitimately given the throne; Heimdall, Sif, and The Warriors Three committed treason against him, he killed Laufey. Loki’s goal was not to acquire the throne; but to prevent war and delay an arrogant, violent Thor’s ascent to power. He sought acceptance and an equal place in his family and among the people of Asgard. He tried to commit suicide at the end but was found and tortured by Thanos and his sniveling sycophants instead, leading to the events of Avengers, where he was also under the influence of the mind stone.

A lot of the things that feel awkward or ooc aren’t so much inherently bad ideas as poor planning and execution. The show wants to be smarter than it is, but also wants to be full of a brand of humor that just doesn’t land within this context.

Alligator Loki, I don’t fully understand, but I respect enough. I think it’s best left unquestioned. Unfortunately, it’s really not that surprising or strange to me.

#loki series critical #i'm sorry i don't like to post negativity and there are moments in this thing i enjoy #but it feels too much like a fanfic rather often #if it was one i probably would have closed the tab and gone to something else #and for the love of the realms please stop with the loki sylvie ... whatever that tension is #i feel a deep sense of discomfort with it right down into my very skeleton #again something i probably would not be bothered by if it were a fanfic #i really do try to not be a negative blogger #the cast is doing amazing #and the soundtrack is brilliant too #but this thing needs editors and writers #loki series spoilers #loki series meta

[libsterslobsters]

Whole Lotta Love

Synopsis: For some people, Valentine’s Day is another word for "stress", especially when you don't know what the other person is expecting. Several years into their relationship, Bucky’s pretty sure he has a good understanding of the Reader, until a word from Sam makes him question everything he thinks he knows. The race is on to make their first Valentine’s Day since saying their vows a special one, but as per usual, fate has it's own ideas about what will make the holiday truly memorable

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem! Enhanced! Super-soldier Reader

(Reader can see bits and pieces of the future in visions as well as speak every language)

Warnings: Smut, Fluff

Author's note: This fic contains references to earlier stories. For more information, click the series masterlist link. As always, the reader is unnamed so that this can be read as a self-insert, but at this point, I think of her as an OC.

The song referenced is Hearts Don't Break Around Here by Ed Sheeran

Series Masterlist

A The Song Remains The Same Fic

---------‐-----------------------------------

“So, Valentine’s Day.”

Bucky doesn’t look up from his laptop (or more specifically, the field report he’s typing) at Sam’s words. Despite his concentration, he can tell that his partner is staring at him, boring holes into his back with his gaze.

“Uh-huh.” He’s listening, but so far, he doesn’t care.

“What are you doing for it?” For Valentine’s day? Um…

“Not much.” It’s a Tuesday this year, right? Then probably working, like most other people, he’d imagine.

The room is silent as he types, so Bucky assumes that settles the matter. That is, until Sam mutters a quiet, “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“About what?” How many paragraphs does he have to type before he can pass this off as a full report? When he joined the Avengers, he thought the hardest part of his job would be the bad guy of the week, not doing paperwork!

“You’re really not doing anything for Valentine’s Day? Seriously?” He nods absentmindedly and clicks the save icon. He’ll finish this tomorrow. It’s five o’clock. Time to head home. Home to-

“What’s your wife gonna think about that?” He shrugs and cuts the power to the laptop.

“She thinks that the whole holiday is a rip-off. See you Monday?” He turns around for confirmation, only to catch Sam staring at him, mouth hanging wide open. “What?”

“A rip-off?” Is he just going to be stuck repeating himself?

“Yep.” Told him that the first February 14th they spent together.

“And you actually believed her?”

He nods. “She’s not one to lie.”

Sam nods incredulously. “Uh-huh. And are you planning to ever have sex again?”

He’s not going to dignify that with an answer (because really, isn’t it obvious?).

“Fine.” Sam shrugs. “You do you, man. All I’m saying is, if I had a wife who looked like that-” he indicates the lock screen of Bucky’s phone (a picture of her laughing, telling him to put away the damn camera after wrestling the dog for the tie to her favorite robe). “-I’d have my V-day plans set up a month in advance.”

Normally Bucky would take what Sam says with a grain of salt, but he is after all a man out of time, so maybe it’s worth considering that his partner may be right.

“What would you suggest I do?”

“Outside of the bedroom?” He narrows his eyes at the Falcon. “Okay, bad joke.” Sam scratches at the back of his head, thinking. “I don’t know, man. That’s your girl. You know her best, but flowers are always a good place to start.” Good to know that hasn’t changed since the 1940s. Although, last time he brought her flowers, she spent the afternoon sneezing until he eventually convinced her that it was okay, he wouldn’t be offended, she should throw the damn things out. Then again, that was before she was a super soldier.

“Flowers.” He repeats, earning a nod from Sam.

“You can get creative. Do a little research. But I’m just saying, when a woman waits five years for you to reappear, the least she deserves is a few flowers.” On that, they can agree.

He must bid Sam some sort of goodbye and make his way through the Avengers compound, but he’s unaware of anything until he’s in the parking lot, sitting behind the wheel of his car, googling “What to do for your wife on Valentine’s Day.” There’s a web page that boasts twenty different selections. Might as well give it a look.

___________________________________________________________________________________

She’s nearly home when her phone dings with a text from Barnes. “Just got in. Forgot to get milk. Can you swing by on your way, or should I go to the gas station and pick up a gallon?” A frown forms on her face. It’s pretty rare that Bucky forgets things. Must’ve been a hell of a day at work, then. Either that, or his brain has completely turned to mush thanks to typing out field reports. Either way-

“I got it. See you in twenty.” She thinks about tacking on a “love you”, but the light turns green before she can.

The grocery store is packed thanks to so many people getting off work. There’s only three carts left, all with bad wheels. She chooses the least squeaky option and, grabbing an add on her way, heads into the grocery store. Milk, and if she remembers right from this morning, they’re running dangerously low on coffee and tea. Despite caffeine having absolutely no effect on their enhanced bodies, both of them are nightmares to be around in the mornings without their beverages of choice. Force of habit and all.

She’s halfway to the checkout when she sees it. A sign, decorated in garish shades of red, pink, and purple. “All Valentine’s Day chocolates 10% off.” Shit. Yeah, that is coming up. To tell the truth, she’d completely forgot all about that day halfway through February. For most of her life, it only meant giving homemade cards at school when most kids had store-bought. Then, once she reached adulthood, it was a reminder that she was destined to be alone. Who would want someone who’s on the run, and what’s more, sees the future? Once she and Barnes got together, it didn’t change much. That first Valentine’s Day, he mentioned the holiday, and she shut it down immediately. They were both broke (or at least, he had no legitimate way of making money while she was broke), and celebrating a mostly commercial holiday seemed like a waste. Plus, she didn’t want to put a strain on a new relationship. Over the years, the subject never came up again, and she’s content for it to stay a non-starter, thank you very much. In her opinion, you should show your partner you love them every day of the year, not shoe-horn it into one twenty-four hour period. Call her unromantic if you must.

She’s completely immune to the various displays of cheap chocolate in heart-shaped boxes and overly sentimental cards as she approaches the register and starts to unload her items. Milk. Tea. That one specific brand of coffee that he likes because, “It tastes like what we drank in basic training. Terrible, but I kinda got used to it, so now everything else tastes like it’s trying too hard.” whatever that means. He’s right; she’s tasted it, and it’s fucking awful. Still, every morning, he drinks at least three cups while she drains her pot of tea.

“You got a hot date for Valentine’s Day, hun?” The cashier asks her, never breaking her rhythm as she rings up the items.

She chuckles. “As a matter of fact, yes.” The cashier’s eye go wide, and she holds up her left hand. “And every other day.”

“Ooh, nice. How long have you been together?”

“Nine years.” Wait… “Or four years, depending on which of us you ask. He blipped, I stayed.”

The cashier nods. “So are you older than him now?”

Physically? They’re not completely sure, but if you calculate the times he was off the ice with HYDRA and add that to the age he was before the serum, then they’re not far off. But chronologically- “No, he’s still older.” And yes, it will always be funny that Sam responds with “Okay, boomer” whenever Bucky makes an outdated reference (even if he’s off by a good twenty years).

With a little more light chatter, she pays for her items and leaves. Now, for home.

As soon as she opens the front door, she’s greeted by their dog, Sarge, barking excitedly and hopping around like he’s on a trampoline despite missing a leg. Bucky’s not far behind, placing a quick peck on her forehead before taking the bags from her and unloading them in the kitchen. Tonight’s his night to cook, but unless her nose has suddenly decided to give out, he hasn’t started dinner yet. She doesn’t mind taking over tonight, and when he sheepishly apologizes while she begins her preparations, she brushes it off. Although, for the second time in an hour, she’s seen proof of his unusual absentmindedness. Oh well. She’ll ask him about it later.

Despite being relieved from tonight’s chef duties, Bucky stays in the kitchen, sitting at the breakfast bar scrolling through his phone as she cooks. His expression is neutral, which can mean one of two things; a) he’s just killing time and there aren’t any interesting posts or articles vying for his attention, or at the opposite end of the spectrum, b) he’s deep in thought, possibly angry, sad, or even frightened, but he’s gone into Winter Soldier mode and shut down so that she won’t pick up on his mood. Damn the man and his poker face.

Eventually dinner is served and she sends him off toward the fridge in search of two beers while she serves their plates. Just as she’s spooning a generous helping of salad into her bowl, it happens. A vision, but a limited one. All she’s seeing is a phone. Well, that and the hand holding it. She’s not sure whether to be proud or embarrassed that she immediately recognizes the hand as Bucky’s, but that goes by the wayside as she takes in the article he’s reading. “Should you do something for Valentine’s Day even is she says no?” It’s a thread on some anonymous discussion board. The reply that has his attention is in reference to a now divorced individual who “was dumb enough to believe that, on our first V-Day as a married couple, she didn’t want anything.” Oh boy. Not good. This will be their first Valentine’s Day since exchanging vows, and if the fact that he’s read this reply (if not already read, will read soon) means that it’s at least crossed his radar that she might be feeding him bullshit. That’s not the case, but after his research, she knows from experience that no matter how much she tries to convince him otherwise, a small part of his mind will be stuck on, “But what if this is a big deal?” Which means-

“Doll, are you just gonna stand there with the salad tongs in your hand?” That snaps her out of it.

“No. Just a vision.” He frowns as she passes him his plate.

“Anything important happen?” Should she say?

“No.” She’s not sure if the smile or not, so she takes a bite from her roll to cover it. “Random sneak peek.” It’s not a lie. What she saw really isn’t important. Still, if he’s in that mindset, she should probably go on and do something for him just in case. After all, why should it only be the ladies who reap this holiday’s benefits?

___________________________________________________________________________________

Not flowers. That’s the one thing that, after copious amounts of research Bucky is one hundred percent certain about. They may still be a common romantic gift, but since they were also a go-to back when he was courting girls in the 1940s, it’s safe to say they’ve been overdone. Plus, he doesn’t really want to remind her of that time she had such a severe allergic reaction to the flowers he picked her on a walk through the park in Bucharest that her eyes nearly swelled shut and she sneezed herself sick. That doesn’t exactly seem like prime romance.

Chocolates or other candies have the same issues as flowers. Contrived and predictable. A bottle of wine is nice, but neither of them can so much as get mildly tipsy thanks to the super serum. The fourteenth is his day to cook, so he guesses he could do some reading and try to create something a little more special than spaghetti (he thought about going to a nice restaurant for dinner, but there’s a few issues with that, not the least of which is they’re likely to be recognized without their disguises, and he’d rather not look at his wife through sunglasses on Valentine’s day), but that seems a little underwhelming.

As he loads the dishwasher (she fell asleep half-way through the third episode of whichever nonsensical comedy they’re watching this week, so he sneaked back downstairs to clean up the dinner dishes), he thinks back to the dozen separate articles he read on the subject of Valentine’s Day gifts. Jewelry was a common theme, but that’s out. She’ll say thank you to his face, but worry about the cost behind his back. Plus, he has absolutely no idea what she’d like, and there’s no sense in purchasing something only for her to hate it.

Another common one was lingerie. Bucky almost choked on his tongue when he saw some of the examples given with that option. None of it looked comfortable (in fact, he’s still scratching his head about how you even put on one of the pieces that popped up on the web page) and he doesn’t want to give her the impression that she has to dress up for him. Even putting all that aside, he has no idea what size she’d even wear. He likes to think that he knows his wife pretty well, but somehow, in all their years together, it never occurred to him to ask her for her clothing sizes. That, and have you even seen the bra sizing system? Does it make sense to anyone, because to Bucky, it’s all gibberish. 32 B? 36 DD? What the hell? Somehow, when HYDRA was training him to extract information, they failed to go over the translation of a woman’s bra size. He supposes he could ask, but he’s not sure there’s a non-suspicious way to work, “Hey, sweetheart. What size are your breasts?” into casual conversation.

Sam said to get creative, so he tried to think outside the box. What’s something she really needs? A new vacuum cleaner is the first thing to come to mind, but he’s not stupid enough to think that would make a good gift. He knows she’s had her eye on a set of throwing stars, but that doesn’t seem to correlate well with what this holiday is all about. That’ll keep until her birthday.

He’s still wracking his brain for anything at all that might work when he feels a wet nose poking at his hand. Sarge. “Hey, boy. Has your mom gone to bed?” The response is a quiet “woof” and lick to his palm. He scratches the mutt behind the ears, smiling to himself as Sarge’s back leg thumps at the treatment.

“What do you think we should get our girl? Huh?” There’s no reply (of course not, he’s talking to a dog), but he nods, pretending all the same that Sarge has offered up a suggestion. “A bone. Yeah, somehow I don’t think that’s her thing. Try again.” The dog blinks at him lazily. “No, you’re the one who wants new tennis balls. Not Mom. Although you’re right about her liking peanut butter.” At this rate, he might as well get her a bone and some tennis balls, because he’s sure not coming up with any ideas.

She likes music. The thought pops into his head while he’s brushing his teeth. All sorts of music. Over the years, he’s tried to make sense of the songs he’s heard her listen to, but has yet to find a discernible pattern in her listening habits. She doesn’t seem to stick to just one genre or era. More like she picks songs by how they relate to what she’s feeling at the moment. Wait a second-

“A mixtape.” His reflection mouths the words back at him. Despite technology having moved on from the days of burning CDs, she still has a thick stack of the disks stored in a cabinet and plays them on the regular. He’s even seen a few that she made herself, pasting together the songs she likes to make a “Cleaning mix”, “Workout Mix” and “Pissed off Mix”. Bucky’s sure he could figure out how to burn a CD, but it’s not like she’d be able to listen to that everywhere she went. That leaves a playlist. She uses one of those apps to listen to music on her phone, right? Surely he can put something together for her using that.

Quietly, he climbs into bed next to his sleeping wife and pulls her back against his chest, slinging one arm over her waist as usual. He closes his eyes, but his mind is alight with activity. A playlist. Of course. He’ll put some extra effort into whatever he cooks that night, stop by a bakery and pick up some sweet treats for dessert. Hell, maybe they’ll both dress up and act like they’re on a date. Then, once they’re sitting down to their meal, he’ll pull out his phone and hit play. It’s perfect. At least, he hopes it is.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Putting on a lacy bra and panties set underneath her regular work attire seemed like a brilliant idea this morning. Today’s a short day; she’s only got three classes to teach, and Rhodey called last night to tell Bucky that he’s suspending work hours at three pm “Since most people have holiday preparations to make.” Her plan was to be waiting on the sofa in the living room when he arrives home, professional button-down blouse open just enough for him to get a good look at what’s underneath, pencil skirt pushed up enough to reveal the stockings and garters she’s donned for the occasion. It’s fun, with just enough cheesiness to match this whole holiday. And, well, it’s a guarantee that by the end of the night they’ll be in bed together, both rumpled, sweaty, and satisfied. Perfect, right?

Wrong. On her drive to work, her skimpy underwear began to ride up, giving her a wedgie, and there was no way to adjust without running the risk of wrecking. She was so distracted by her discomfort that she missed her exit, and by the time she arrived at the college, she was running so behind that she didn’t get the chance to run to the bathroom and readjust. Her lecture on sentence diagrams was pure torture before the underwire from her bra decided to join in the fun and poke her directly in the ribs, but with that addition, she was especially impatient with her students’ tendency to joke around a little too much in class.

Luckily, she had just enough time to wrap the exposed metal bit in tissues before her next class, which eliminated the pain in her chest, but did nothing to alleviate the discomfort once her stockings began to slide down, having at some point disconnected themselves from the garters. She taught like that for the next two classes, but as soon as they were over, she pealed the whole ensemble off in the teacher’s restroom and changed into her gym clothes. Alright, screw the whole seduction routine. She needs to blow off some steam and fast, or else she’ll be in a bad mood all night.

That’s why, thirty minutes later, she finds herself in the training room of the Avengers compound, working over a punching bag. “Fuck-” Her fist connects, making the bag swing crazily from it’s hook. “-this- whole- day!” It goes sailing, and she feels a little better.

“Ouch!” The voice comes from behind her and she whirls around, gaze resting on-

“Sam.” The man in question holds up his hands in an “I surrender” gesture.

“Don’t shoot! I come in peace.” Rolling her eyes, she holds up her middle finger, receiving a snicker in acknowledgment.

“Just working off a little frustration before I head home.”

“Good.” Sam chuckles. “’cause otherwise, I’d be worried that when Barnes pulls out his dick tonight, you’ll bite it off.” She thinks about telling him that there’s no chance of that, but she might just cut off his if he crosses her. However, that jogs her memory.

“Has he left yet?” Sam nods.

“About an hour ago. Said he had to pick up groceries.” Shit. There goes her plan to shower, throw the damn lingerie back on and proceed as planned.

Bidding Sam a hasty reply, she makes tracks towards her car and, once inside, heads for home. Fine. New plan. She’ll shower once she arrives and then when the evening is drawing to a close, wait for him in bed. Nodding to herself, she puts the car in park and climbs out. Now, to psych herself up enough in the next few hours to put the damn lingerie back on.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Where did he go wrong? It takes all of Bucky’s self control not to spit out the spoonful of sauce he just tasted. This was supposed to be an easy recipe for Chicken Alfredo (or at least, that’s what the website boasted; he should’ve known better than to get his information from the internet and stuck to a good old-fashioned cookbook from the library). Not… whatever the hell this is. Maybe even if the sauce is nauseating, the chicken is okay?

He pulls open the oven door, and immediately smoke billows out, making his eyes water. Okay, chicken’s a little well-done. Who is he kidding? Black. The chicken is burned black. And the pasta… he lifts the pot lid and stirs, only to come to the realization that the pasta is completely stuck to the bottom of the pot. Wonderful.

It’s inevitable; over the years, he’s had his fair share of cooking disasters, but usually he does okay. Tonight though… who the hell up there did he piss off, because the only explanation for how badly this is going is his karma coming due.

Still holding the offending spoon, he looks over at Sarge, who’s staring at him, long pink tongue sticking out as he pants. “Trust me, boy. You don’t want any of this.” There has to be something else he can pull together on short notice. Normally he’d be worried that she’s running late without so much as a text, but today he’s relieved. At least if she’s running behind he’ll have time to… what? Maybe order takeout? Before she gets-

“I’m home.” Shit.

Sarge yips, shaking with excitement, and starts towards the kitchen door, then turns back, uncertain. “Go on. I know you’re dying to jump on her and lick her face.” Something they really should be training out of him because he’s getting too big for that sort of behaviour but, well… there’s a reason they call them “puppy dog eyes.”

Not needing to be coaxed, the dog takes off, tripping a little in the momentary lapse in his memory that he’s a tripod, but easily catches himself and goes on his merry way, leaving Bucky to clean up his mess. From the sound of things, a game of fetch is going on in the living room, so she should be distracted for a while.

He manages to pour the sauce down the drain and scrape most of the pasta into the trash while Sarge is acting as a decoy, but there’s absolutely no way he can dispose of the chicken without tipping her off (damn enhanced senses, it’s a wonder she hasn’t already smelled it). Finally, he decides to just go for it. She’s going to notice whether he throws it out now or two hours from now. Might as well get a head start on cleaning.

Sure enough, not ten seconds after he empties out the oven, he catches a movement in his peripheral vision, and the familiar sound of her breathing tips him off that he’s no longer alone.

“Hey, Doll.”

“Hey, Bucky. Did something burn in here, or-” He holds up the pan for her inspection before continuing his scraping.

“That’s one way to put it, yeah.” He slams the lid back on the trashcan and turns on the tap, intent on rinsing out the pan. “Another is whoever the god of culinary arts is has it in for me today.”

She chuckles. “You know, that would be funnier if we didn’t actually know a god.”

“Yeah, but he’s in control of thunder.” He meets her eyes, smirking slightly. “Although it did look like I electrocuted the bird.” Her lips quirk up into a smile, and he takes the opportunity to kiss her, cupping the back of her head gently to hold her in place when she tries to move away, muttering something about being sweaty.

He’s not entirely sure how it happened, but by the time they come up for air, her back his pressed against the wall and he’s got her pinned in place. Not that he’s complaining.

“Anyone ever tell you that the tip of your nose turns pink after you’ve been kissed?’ Her cheeks go rosey in response.

“I think so. One guy did. I told him it’s only when I’m kissed properly.”

He really would like to continue the playful banter, but there’s still the small matter of whatever it is they’re going to eat.

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight?”

“Apart from electrocuted chicken?” He responds with a swat to her ass, which earns him a snicker. “Let’s keep it simple. Pizza. Your choice of toppings.” Right, that’s easy enough. Plus, if they have to wait longer than thirty minutes, it’s free.

“Okay. I’ll order while you shower?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

He’s just pulled up the menu on his phone when the sound of her clearing her throat attracts his attention. She’s standing in the doorway, combing through her freshly let down hair with her fingers, a playful look in her eyes.

“Or you could join me. Just a mild suggestion.”

Dinner can wait for a while.

___________________________________________________________________________________

The Brooklyn townhouse they live in has many nice features. There’s a functional if small screened in back porch, big enough to hold a table for two and a grill. Two bedrooms, on the off chance someone from work needs to crash for a night or two. A kitchen with a dishwasher. A working fireplace. Good closet space. And an en suite bathroom.

Maybe it’s a little ridiculous to call a bathroom luxurious, especially when, in comparison to what’s featured in many brownstones, it’s more than modest, but she can’t help but think of it as such. There’s a double sink so that in the morning rush to get ready, Bucky’s able to shave and brush his teeth without having to wait for her to finish applying her makeup. Shelving above the toilet makes certain that even if the last person to shower took the towel with them, another one is on hand. Speaking of the shower, it’s not the largest one in the world, but both of them can fit in comfortably at the same time, which is what’s lead to their current situation.

She’s just finished allowing the water to course over her body, easing the sweat from her skin, and is about to begin the process of washing her hair, scrubbing her body, but she hesitates. She might as well ask. It’s only practical after all.

“Do you want to start now or get cleaned up and have dinner beforehand?” It’s obvious what she’s referring to, so she doesn’t bother to spell it out.

His brown knits, and if she didn’t know him as… intimately… as she does, she’d actually believe he’s confused.

“Oh, so you’re just assuming there’s gonna be sex involved at some point tonight?”

She shrugs, wringing out her hair.

“Seemed like a safe enough bet.” She glances pointedly between the two of them. “After all, we’re already undressed. “

His laugh is a quiet huff, barely discernible over the sound of the water. “Then I’d say start now, have dinner, then go for round two. Sound about right to you?”

She nods. “Solid plan.”

“Then get over here.”

Unlike the welcome home kiss they shared not half an hour ago, this one is less tender, more electric. Hands twist in hair, bodies press together. Tongues begging for entrance quickly give way to teeth nipping at bottom lips, an unspoken sparring match for who’ll be in control this time around. Ultimately he wins, grasping her hips and lifting as she wraps her legs securely around his back.

There’s no need for prep; the teasing of their earlier words is foreplay enough. Back pressed against the wall, her body easily welcomes him in as she braces one arm against the glass shower doors for balance. Any concerns about slipping and falling wash away as they move together like so many times before. She’s sure her nails will leave marks on his back, fingertips digging in for purchase and it’s a guarantee her hips will be littered with fingerprints from his grip, but she can’t find it in her to care, and if the desperate, bruising kiss assaulting her lips is anything to judge from, neither can he.

“So damn good, Doll.” It’s panted against her neck. “Always. So damn perfect for me.” All she can manage is a moan in response.

She feels him twitch inside of her and knows he’s close. So is she, but she can’t quite get there without-

As if he’s read her mind, he reaches between them to touch her where she needs it most, and on instinct, she readjusts, locking her arm around his neck to stay in place. “Let go, sweetheart. Can you do that for me?” She couldn’t disobey if she wanted to.

“Fuck.” As her walls contract around him, he pulls out just in time to paint her middle with his release.

“That’s one word for it.” She’s still fighting to catch her breath, but she shoots him a shaky smirk, which he returns.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Mrs. Barnes.” Snickering, she releases him to stand on unsteady legs and pecks his legs.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. Barnes.” Maybe there’s something to this holiday after all.

___________________________________________________________________________________

“You want the last slice?” Bucky considers it for a moment before deciding-

“Nah. You can have it.” It may not be exactly what he planned, but it’s been a good night. Between the two of them, they’ve gone through two large pizzas while watching the new version of Beauty and the Beast (she rolled her eyes when he asked if this was her way of saying he reminds her of a certain hairy, horned character) in their pajamas.

“No, really. You take it. I don’t want it.” She nudges the mostly-empty pizza box towards him. The noise makes Sarge lift his head from where he was snoozing beside her on the sofa. That gives him an idea.

“I don’t want it either, but I can think of someone who does.” He cocks his head towards the now-drooling dog. “How ‘bout it, boy? Wanna help us out?”

Snickering, she picks the pepperonis and pieces of sausage and ham from the pizza, forming a pile. “Here, Sarge. Catch.” She tosses a coveted treat in the air, and Sarge’s jaw snaps, swallowing it whole. “Good boy.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes before she speaks again.

“You know, I actually did have something planned for you.”

“Oh, yeah?” She nods.

“Absolutely. Had a whole seduction plan laid out. Tiny underwear, lacy bra, and stockings with garters included.” Huh. Guess she wouldn’t have taken the “lingerie” option the wrong way. He’ll file that away for future use… along with a mental note to ask her bra size. “That is, until I tried wearing the damn things for longer than an hour. Turns out, hiding a dirty secret under your clothes is more itchy than sexy.”

He can’t help it. He laughs, producing a pout from her which quickly turns into her own quiet laughter.

“Well, that fits in perfectly with my fancy dinner going up in smoke.”

“We really do have shitty luck with the whole “romance” thing.” She’s joking, but he decides to respond anyway.

“I don’t know about that.” Entwining his fingers with hers, he lifts their hands, twin wedding bands catching the light. “You waited five years for me to reappear after the blip, and I convinced you to elope with me. Seems pretty romantic.” Although, that reminds him…

“Don’t move.” Releasing her hand, he stands and goes in search of his phone.

“Bucky, what-”

“Don’t move, Doll. Stay right where you are.” Ah. On the kitchen counter, just where he left it. Jogging back into the room, he resumes his place on the couch next to her. Ignoring her questioning gaze, he pulls up the app and, selecting the correct playlist, hits play.

Immediate recognition blooms on her face at the opening lyrics. “She is the sweetest thing that I know. Should see the way she holds me when the lights go low.” He’s not one for modern music, but when he was googling “songs for Valentine’s Day” and this one popped up, he couldn’t help but think that the lyrics were fitting.

“I didn’t know you’d heard this one.”

He chuckles. “Even old men have a few tricks up their sleeves. That, and a wifi connection.” She rolls her eyes but leans closer, which he takes advantage of to show her the playlist.

“This is the app you use, right?” Receiving a nod, he continues. “Feel free to scroll through and add whatever you want. I haven’t listened to all of them the whole way through, but they seemed to fit the mood.”

Her hand closes over his, covering the phone. “Thank you, Bucky. It’s perfect.”

As the singer goes on about how hearts don’t break around here, he presses his lips against hers.

“I love you, Doll.”

“Love you.”

Not bad for a disastrous Valentine’s Day. Not bad at all.

#marvel #the avengers #bucky fanfic #bucky x original female character #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes #captain america #the winter soldier #bucky barnes smut #smut #fluff

[dancing-the-hellfire-rumba]

Seen ✓ - 2

Pairing: Sam x Fem!Reader Warnings: light anxiety Word Count: 2.2k Series Summary: On her way home, Y/n finds an abandoned, cracked phone on the sidewalk. Anxious about the well-being of its owner, she picks it up and texts the first contact she finds; Sam. A/N: Chapter 2! Our pals are kicking it off already. Can you smell the chemistry? The rOMANCE? LESSGO

Pictures used in this chapter were found on google images :)

Beta: no one.

Catch up! : Part 1 Masterlist

Chapter 2: overthinker.

From: y/n_andrews85 To: D_impala67 Subject: I have your phone. That sounds creepy. I don’t think there’s a non-creepy way of writing this. Whatever.

Dear Dean, is it?

I just wanted to let you know I found your phone at the bus stop the other night. I wasn’t planning on holding on to it, really, but I got worried that you may have been in trouble, and then you never really looked for it either so, I don’t know, I figured better than someone who’ll snatch it and leave, you know?

Anyways, that’s why I’m emailing. I snooped through it a little, sorry, hopefully you’ll understand it was kinda necessary? Maybe we can arrange something so I can get it back to you. This girl, Jamie, keeps sending me (well you technically) topless photos of her. It’s not really what lights my candle. I’m assuming you’d like it back too.

I hope you’re safe. Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Y/n Andrews

-

Do you believe me now?

oh god

you didn’t

Sure did

wow. just wow.

you just handed his ass back to him holy shit!

last time he called, he said he dropped his phone while walking back to his motel, so

he’s okay.

That’s good, I’m glad he’s safe.

I was planning on including something along the lines of “This would’ve been easier if you were an active member of the 21st century and used social media”

But I figured the Jamie thing was motive enough?

yeah. topless Jamie? that’s something else.

Don’t be getting any ideas, dude, I don’t do nudes lmao.

oh god, no i didn’t think that

you did not just type lmao though. how old are you again?

oh god, you’re not 14 or something right? i don’t know what that would make me.

Don’t worry about it, I turned 16 last week.

…

are you serious?

Lmao, no, I’m kidding. I’m twenty-two.

But I think the word you’re looking for is a creep. Oh, and an ageist.

ouch.

Haha, I’m joking.

Lighten up, what are you, ninety?

hi pot meet kettle.

Shit I walked right into that one.

also i’d like to think i don’t text like a ninety-year-old man. could be wrong though

to answer your question i’m twenty-four.                                

Twenty-four huh? I assume you’re done with college, no?

Or- wait, I guess not everyone goes to college.

Yes, this is me fishing for information.

well… i kinda dropped out.

decided to go on a road trip with my brother.

things went a little south I ended up continuing the family business.

Damn, college drop-out ey? Where from?

Also, Family business? What do you do?

Is this too interview-y? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to snoop.

you’re good.

stanford. pre-law.

and my brother and i are private investigators. that’s why he’s not in Kansas with me. he’s working a case.

Daaaaamn. Stanford AND a lawyer? And now working as a PI? You’re pretty smart, then.

an ageist and a generalist? i didn’t take you for such y/n.

Fuck, okay, you sound like a lawyer too.

hahahah

so what about you?

What about me?

are you in college?

Oh yeah! Film school. My dream has always been to be a director. It’s rare to find someone who loves movies more than I do.

that’s really cool.

hey i’ve been meaning to ask.

Thinking of me, Sam?

…

Do tell.

how come you were walking home through a park in the middle of the night the other day?

Ooh, I was coming back from work.

I’m a bartender and I had a late shift on Friday.

oh I see. That makes sense yeah.

I’m sorry to cut this conversation short, but I’m legitimately three seconds away from falling asleep. I’m gonna hit the hay.

See you later, Sam :)

See you, y/n :)

A smile creeps on Y/n’s features at the thought of more conversations with Sam. He has given her something to look forward to, something to make her a little more excited during her boring every-day life. As she tucks herself in under her covers, eyelids heavy enough to droop involuntarily, the last thing she thinks of is him, the clever, sassy, twenty-four year old college dropout on the other side of the cracked phone screen. The overwhelming urge to get to know him overtakes her as she succumbs to sleep

--

So

Do you believe in ghosts?

that’s… random.

May be

why do you ask?

Idk, just wanna get to know you better.

that’s what you ask people you want to get to know better?

Yes?

Are you avoiding the question?

no

i do. believe in ghosts.

You?

So do i.

Well, sorta. I guess I believe in souls more than anything.

hm?

Well… I guess I hope (more than believe) that we are more than our corporeal selves.

In the sense that, it’s comforting to me that when we die, and our bodies stop working, we don’t evaporate.

I guess.

yeah I understand.

i don’t know. i guess i wanna believe in science more than anything but i know better.

How do you mean?

call it a hunch.

Oh c’mon, it’s gotta be more than that.

Sam…?

Y/n huffs out a breath, gnawing at her lip. She hopes her anxiety isn’t right, that Sam isn’t sick of her silly questions and existential dread, and is actually doing something. Perhaps his battery ran out.

...Sure.

She was doing something too, before she decided to text him. Eyes falling on all her books and notes, spread around her like ugly, depressing, anxiety-inducing flower petals. There’s a blanket over her legs, chilly fall weather seeping through her bones, and there’s a half empty pizza box in front of her. She’s full and the left overs are kept for her sister, Emily, who’s currently locked up in her room.

Damn it. Y/n is stressed and tired, and now her distraction is refusing to reply. This sucks. She hates the crawling, awful, gooey feeling of cold anxiety gripping every beat of her heart and stupidly convincing her he’s purposefully ghosting her, because he doesn’t like her.

Not knowing what to occupy herself with, she heads to take a shower. In the back of her head, she knows that she’ll probably not study any longer, so she takes it upon herself to sink under the hot water and wash thoroughly, trying to get her mind off Dean’s phone. When her feet step out of the shower and she has towel-dried herself as best as she can, she tosses her wet hair in a haphazard bun, and gets dressed.

Books stack under the rickety, stained coffee table, and she grabs her sketchbook, her favorite pencil, as well as her and Dean’s phone. She shoots Connor a text, arranging a hang out of some kind, and opens her little booklet, when a text vibrates Dean’s phone.

hey i’m sorry i got caught up in something.

It’s alright.

She doesn’t press the ghost subject, because he doesn’t seem into it and she really doesn’t wanna make him dislike her any more than he possibly already does.

The empty page of her sketchbook daunts her. With a tight grip on her mechanical pencil, she urges her creativity pumps to use some gasoline, but they seem limp and dead, and once more unwilling to help her. As her eyes fall on Dean’s phone, like a light bulb out of a cartoon, she gets an idea.

Hey, this might sound creepy, but what do you look like?

She stares at the phone. This feels like a risky question. God, if he wasn’t done with her before, he certainly must be now. But then, he surprises her.

why do you wanna know?

I’m in the mood to sketch some, and my creativity has officially left the building.

Care to help a girl out? Maybe your literary descriptions will spark something in me lmao.

i didn’t know you sketched.

Yeah, sometimes. Nothing great though, I promise. I’m certainly no Picasso.

i mean you don’t have to be picasso to sketch well. and you don’t have to sketch well to sketch at all.

Yeah, may be.

I don’t wanna pressure you into anything, you really don’t have to humor me.

If you do feel like it though, don’t send me a picture. Kinda wanna spark some life into my brain cells.

haha i will. only if you show me the finished product tho.

You’ve got yourself a deal :)

She simply cannot believe he has just agreed to this. Her breath is caught in her throat.

so.

what do you want me to start with?

Just whatever. Idk, tell me about your face.

well

i have brown curly-ish hair that reaches my ears. uh, my eyes are hazel.

Okay, that’s a start.

What’s your nose like?

it’s a bit pointy. thin i think?

Jawline?

sharp? i guess?

this is by far the weirdest thing i’ve done.

Lmao, yeah, this is pretty weird.

Exciting though.

She shouldn’t have said that. Fuck, that is definitely overeager.

yeah it is.

Her stomach feels floaty at his response.

Eyebrows?

uh

normal?

How do you classify “normal” eyebrows, exactly?

i don’t know? they’re simple i guess.

Are you implying complicated eyebrows exist out there?

…

Elaborate, Sam. Are you shy? Do you not have eyebrows? Are they bushy? Or too thin? Or pointy?

i’m telling you they’re average.

Sam

what

You officially suck at this.

oh fuck off how would you describe yours?

Y/n proceeds to write a cohesive sentence that includes adjectives apart from “normal” and “average”. Words like bushy, thin, arched and curvy.

well shit yeah i guess i do suck at this.

i think it’s not a skill i mind not having.

That… is a confusing sentence.

just… draw them however. what difference can eyebrows make?

Oh you have no idea.

Okay, last thing.

Do you have a fringe?

yeah but not for long. i’ll probably let it grow out.

Okay, I can do something with that. Thanks :)

no problem

Her creativity is finally servicing her according to her commands, and Y/n puts pen to paper and scribbles messily. Line after line, they curl and sit on the page, forming a smile with thin lips, a sharp jaw, a pointy nose. She has to guess the eyebrows a bit, and the eyes are more cartoonish and generic than she likes. In the end, she gets anxious at the prospect of having to show him, and gives him a hood, so she won’t fuck up the hair.

Okay, I’m done.

that was quick, actually.

Well I didn’t have much to go on.

Sam doesn’t reply. She worries he might have misinterpreted her teasing tone.

Gimme a sec, I’ll send it over.

Ugh, Dean’s camera is such shit. Do you mind if I send it from my phone?

no go ahead.

[Y/n has sent a picture]

As you said, it didn’t take long. It’s really not the best.

that…

is actually not too far from the truth

it kind of looks like me from two years ago

wow, really?

yeah.

and it’s honestly a pretty good sketch. good job.

Thank you :)

Sam doesn’t say anything after this, and she huffs. Her head falls back on the couch, and she stares at the ceiling. She should go to bed soon, it’s getting late.

isn’t this strange?

Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit oh shit, she thinks. He’s regretting this. He doesn’t like her. He’ll stop talking to her and that’ll be it.

Why does she care so much? It’s a thought that passes through her mind. It hasn’t been long since they started talking and, after the near-kidnapping encounter, they’ve been having nearly daily conversations, but that still doesn’t mean much. She knows barely anything about him.

She guesses, she wants to get to know him better. He seems like the type of guy she’d enjoy hanging out with and she has so far. Stopping any kind of conversation would surely feel like a loss. She’d have to go back to her boring routine. This is the most exciting thing she has allowed herself to do in years.

A part of her feels rather lame for finding such a thrill at something so trivial. She’s talking to a stranger, and that’s all it is, but the prospect that he could be anyone at all, and she’s never even seen his face… well… It feels refreshing, new. Scary in an adrenaline-rush kind of way.

What is?

us. texting.

isn’t it a little odd?

I guess it is a bit.

I mean we’ve only known each other for, what, a week? And a half?

yeah.

should we stop?

I don’t know

Do you want to?

The extra moment his reply takes to arrive makes her want to vomit.

no

Then there’s your answer.

okay then

can I save you in my contacts?

Sure, go ahead.

I just did too.

alright.

Okay :)

I’m sorry, I have to go.

I guess I’ll text you later, Sam.

Go be whoever Sam Something is.

it’s winchester.

Like the shotgun?

yup.

That’s BADASS. Can you even get more badass than this? Pre-law, now a PI, and you’re named after a shotgun? Damn dude.

Well, it’s nice to meet you Sam. I’m Y/n Andrews.

Haha thanks.

nice to meet you, too

goodnight Y/n Andrews.

Night Sam Winchester :)

--- Part 3

A/N: Thoughts? How are you liking the newer version of this? right after I post it, I’m gonna delete the other one.

Taglist:

Old Can You See The Stars taglist: @shutupiminlooove @sammysgirl1997 @kymberlytorres @bambi95-blog @demonic-meatball @thekarliwinchester @littlekay15 @li-m-ii  @thinspo-isuppose @carryonmywaywarddemigodwitch @ellen-reincarnated1967 @moonlitskinwalker @marichromatic @illuminatus42 @lazy-author @mirandaaustin93 @hauntedsiriel @pilaxia @devilgirlsarah @nobodys-baby-now @captiveties @calamitychaos @midiocris @wordswillscream​

Sam taglist @kymberlytorres @theboykingsam @depressed-moose-78 @andi-mendes-barnes @captainmarvelcorps @nerd-in-a-galaxy-far-away @nellachain

#sam x reader #sam x fem!reader #sam x reader series #sam x reader fluff #sam x reader angst #sam winchester #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester x fem!reader #sam winchester x reader series #sam winchestr fluff #sam fluff #spn #supernatural #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #seen 2 #seen

[mrssarablack]

1. What’s your sexual orientation?

Heterosexual. 

2. What are you obsessed with right now?

Hmm, I really don't know. I have my usual things that would qualify but my "obsessions" but they don't often consume me to a high degree, so I have a hard time dubbing anything I like a full blown obsession. 

That being said, it's probably tiktok. The obsession of the moment, I find myself on the app entirely too much because it's just a fun party and oh the things that lead to little research dives are fascinating. Mostly it's the musicians that get me. I love creativity and am forever amazed by the collaborations and straight magic people make in the time allotted... but it takes up way too much of my time when it really shouldn't. I have better things I could be doing. 

3. Ever done any drugs?

Yup. 

4. What piercings do you want?

None. My ears are pierced to the degree I like and I don't really desire anything else to be pierced. 

5. How many people have you kissed?

Enough. 

6. Describe your dream home.

The house I live in outdoes anything I could possibly come up with. I'm very happy with my home, but I'd be happy most anywhere. If I'm honest, I'm a bit Aladdin-like when it comes to living arrangements. My dream home list, if I only considered myself, is the very low bar of a roof over my head  that has a beautiful view. Bonus it has a pool but it's not a requirement. 

Clearly, where I live outdoes that by a longshot and I'm very lucky to have the things I have. I'm not unaware of that fact. 

7. Who are you jealous of?

There is no way for this not to sound like a humble brag in my head, but no one. I've never been the jealous type. There's so much unnecessary energy in wanting what someone else has and jealousy is a negative you just don't need in your life. It's much better to focus on your own joy and not worry about what others are doing. 

8. What’s your favorite show to binge?

Schitt's Creek

9. Do you watch porn?

I have. 

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

No, I don't.

11. If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

I don't know, I'm good, but somewhere warm and with a beach, I guess?

12. What’s one of your fantasies?

I really only have one and that's of my mother apologizing for what she did. 

13. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced?

Nope. 

14. How would you spend a million dollars?

I probably wouldn't. 

15. Are you in a relationship?

Yes

16. Do you follow porn blogs?

No, but I'm pretty sure some have followed me...🙄

17. Are you angry with anyone right now?

My mother. It ebbs and flows between anger and indifference. Depends on the thoughts I'm having surrounding the why of it. 

18. What tattoos do you want?

I don't want any. 

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

Maybe? But probably not. I don't particularly like my name. It's kind of dull, if I'm honest, but at the same time it's my name and I don't have a replacement in my head for it. So, I'm Sara and I'll forever be Sara. It's alright. 

20. What is something you’re obsessed with?

I already answered this, but I suppose my general obsession is pokemon. I like the games and the lore. The whole thing is fun and I enjoy it a lot. 

21. Describe your best friend.

She's like sunshine. She's bubbly and sweet. Anna has optimism for days. She can be a little naive but people also see naivety in what is actually her stubbornness. She won't give up on people even if she should. She sees good in almost everything but she isn't unaware that bad exists.

And because of this her kindness shines. She'd help a stranger without hesitation or a need for anything back. She very much is a person who would stick her neck out to save a life. She brings out the best in people and makes it look effortless. She is kind and caring but has a determination that can tackle damn near anything that becomes an obstacle. Anna's a force to reckon with and not many people realize this truth.

22. Tag someone you think is hot.

@nikolascblack

Did you really think I'd pick someone else? 

23. Who are five of your favorite bands/musical artists?

This list alternates with moods. I love so many bands and artists. But right now the top five are:

Nikolas Black

AJR

The Beatles

Ok One Rock

P!nk

24. What are three places you want to travel?

I really am that person if given the chance to just pick a plane and go I'd probably take it. I just want to experience all the places so here are the first regions that came to mind...

Italy (like all of it) 

Spain/ Barcelona 

South of France 

25. Describe your perfect Friday night.

It's getting warmer so, right now, it's an evening with Nikolas on our back patio. Fire up the grill and enjoy a meal outdoors. Maybe spend some time in the pool. End the evening with a warm blanket and a cuddle. 

26. What’s your favorite season?

Summer. My skin may take issue with the sun but I like it best when it's warm and sunny and being outside. 

27. What’s your pet peeve?

When I am listening to music… I probably don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone. I do not like when I'm interrupted when my music is on. 

Also, if I'm doing art or sewing … be aware I might get snippy if you choose to interrupt my flow. I like reaching stopping points before I'm asked to change gears. 

28. Who is the funniest person you know?

Probably Jakub. He's the king of one liners and his sass gets me. 

29. What’s the most overrated movie?

I'd say Avatar, was not impressed by space Pocahontas….

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message.

... um... I'm not really the shy type. If I wanna get to know someone.... I'm going to be friendly to them and start a conversation.

31. Do you like paper books or ebooks better?

Paper books but I do register I read more electronic ones. The library system is nice in that format… when I actually finish a book. I don't read that fast so I have like 3 waitlisted at any given time three or four times over just so I can finish it … 😅 

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

Pokemon? 

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like?

I dislike questions that make me feel like I'm bragging. Or that could be seen as such but my wardrobe wouldn't really change because my boyfriend allows me to use his funds from time to time to have the nicer clothing items I like. Which sit right alongside my jeans I got from TJ Maxx. Legitimately, it probably wouldn't change at all.

34. What’s your coffee order?

Cold brew or if it's cold I typically, latte it's usually a hazelnut

35. Do you have a crush on anyone?

No. 

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?

I don't. Most of them were pretty shit people. So, yeah… nope, I don't think much on them at all really. 

37. Have any tattoos?

No

38. Do you drink?

Occasionally

39. Are you a virgin?

Heh… no.

40. Do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

Nope

41. How many followers do you have?

Um… I have no idea. Not many that's for sure.

42. Describe the hottest person you know.

I did this once. I'm not going to objectify him again. So instead:

43. What’s your guilty pleasure?

True crime documentaries or horror movies. I do not watch them often. Nikolas isn't into it and I'm not going to be the ass that takes the tv and makes him watch something he doesn't like. So, I save it for when I am alone. 

44. Do you read erotica?

I have but I don't seek it out. Typically the erotica I have read has been tucked away in a romance novel and was far more than I expected it to go from the synopsis or anything before that point.

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

I have to go with the one where it was clear he asked me out as some sort of revenge date. His ex-girlfriend was at the location with friends and he kept looking over at her trying to see her reaction. It was bad and I dismissed myself as quickly as I could.

46. How many people do you follow?

Again, I don't know. I know it's mostly friends and artists or designers but I'm too lazy to look up the number because I don't care. 

47. If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick?

This guy right here:

48. Describe your ideal partner.

There's a theme here...

49. Who do you text the most?

Anna? Our friend text line is usually an all day back and forth.

50. What’s your favorite kind of weather?

Sunny and warm. Weather that screams "beach day"

#sara reynolds #random questions #bored #been a while since ive done this #oc #roleplay

[omoi-no-hoka]

Hey! I saw your blog today and I love it very much!! I see you're an open person so, I also have a question: HOW does one survive studying japanese at uni?? I'm in my first year and only my second (online haha) semester and we started out with Minna no nihongo 1 but we're supposed to finish Minna 2 by the end of this semester, same with Basic Kanji book 1 in the first sem and now Basic Kanji Book 2, all while also learning mostly of Japan's history and others in this semester. Exams will kill me

Hello! I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog! I am open to a fault lol. Let me recount my meandering journey through uni, illustrating my feelings through gifs of Noel Fielding because he is my celebrity crush.

Uni is such a difficult time for so many people, trying to figure out who you are now and who you want to be later. It wasn’t until my senior year that I realized what I wanted to do. I started writing out my university experience and it got super long, so allow me to just summarize my “Lessons Learned” here and you can read the rest if you want to know all the dirty deets lol. I double-majored in Japanese and English, so I think that my experience can perhaps be useful to people who are majoring in things other than Japanese as well. 

Hard-Learned Lessons from Uni

Do not choose a course of study because it is “practical.” Choose it because it is something you love. Seriously. Nothing is more important than this point. Do not choose a major because “I’ll make a lot of money” or “My parents are telling me this is good for me.” 

If you are learning multiple languages at once, you must give your brain time to organize what you learned from one language lesson before moving on to the next. You can do this by waiting a couple hours between lessons, getting up and walking around, studying one language in different space from the other, etc. Otherwise, it all becomes a terrible mess in your head.

It’s okay not to know what you want your career to be. It’s okay not to have a specific plan. Life works out one way or the other.

I know how expensive uni can be. (It’s been six years since I graduated and I’m still making hefty loan payments.) But don’t feel like you have to take a full courseload every single semester and graduated asap, particularly if the classes are hard and/or you are working. I took the maximum credit hours allowed every semester on top of working RIDICULOUS hours and it nearly killed me at one point. I’m not kidding. 

It is not unusual to have an identity crisis and/or mental breakdown. Take care of yourself. Know when you are nearing breaking point. Seek out the help of professionals. Most universities have psychiatrists and therapists that will see you very cheaply. 

Surround yourself with good people and look out for each other. 

Do not rely on substances to ease your suffering because sometimes the remedy becomes the malady. Not saying you should avoid all parties or anything square like that, but just don’t be one of those people that parties every night and gets in over their head. 

Let me preface this by stating that I’m an American, and our universities are stupid because they force us to take a ton of “general education” courses that are irrelevant to our majors, and many students spend their first couple years taking only a couple courses related to their majors and minors, and try to focus on getting those stupid gen eds out of the way. 

Year 1: Oh Shit, This Is Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

I come from a town of less than 2600 people. Our high school prepared its students for the following career paths:

joining the military (boys only)

becoming a farmer (boys only)

welding, carpentry, or other practical jobs (boys only)

becoming a housewife (girls only)

So basically I coasted through high school never having to study anything because it was one great big joke, only I thought I was like super duper smart because I was in the top five of my graduating class of 48. LOLLLLLLLLL

I entered university as a German major, Japanese minor. (Japanese was not offered as a major at my uni). I had never studied German previously, but I studied Spanish and French in high school and I just had this feeling that German and Japanese were the languages for me. 

The first semester, I had Japanese 101 and German 101 back to back, in the EXACT SAME CLASSROOM. I can’t stress enough how much of a mindfuck it was to go from thinking about Japanese for 50 minutes, having a 10 minute break, and then trying to switch your brain to German. IN THE SAME ROOM. It actually gave me headaches to try and make that mental jump. Managed to pull through the year with A’s in both, but German was much more of a challenge to me than Japanese. Which was really unexpected. 

I also flunked several gen eds because I didn’t give a shit about them and skipped them and got placed on academic probation and was nearly kicked out of uni because of my poor grades

Basically, I was such a weeb that I had watched enough anime with subtitles and sung along to enough anime songs that I had absorbed about 90% of the first year’s worth of Japanese vocab and grammar through osmosis. I really did have the power of God and anime on my side.

Year 2: The Year of the Mid-Midlife Crisis and Mental Breakdown

There really is no gif that will encapsulate the level of turmoil I went through that year. I looked really hard for one, trust me.

It became apparent very quickly that I could not keep up with German. I ended up dropping it early in the first semester, which meant I had to choose a new major. Thinking of what would be practical to pair with a Japanese minor, I went for International Business for a semester, took Accounting, and realized that I HATE The Man, corporate bullshit, and also numbers as a concept.

All I knew at this point was that I liked Japanese but couldn’t make it a major. I also knew I didn’t want to transfer universities. So I kept taking gen eds, just barely passing them because to this day I cannot bring myself to put effort into something I do not care about, and also taking more classes related to my Japanese minor. It was the Japanese classes that saved my GPA and kept me from getting kicked out of uni.

At the same time, I took a creative writing course because that’s been a hobby of mine since elementary school, and I kinda thought about an English major, but then was like, “Eww I don’t wanna be forced to read books I don’t give a shit about. And also, what will I do with that degree?”

Also, at the same time, I was working full time, and often getting stuck working from 2 pm to 7 am (Yes, 15-hour shifts, because the overnight dude would call in sick last minute and I’d be begged to cover his shift), and then dragging myself to classes and drooling on the desks because I’d fall asleep.

Also also, I started to have possible hallucinations? To this day I don’t know what was going on, but either I was legitimately going crazy, or there was a demon following me around and being quite rude to me, making light fixtures fall and shatter inches from my head, throwing papers around my room, opening and closing doors, turning lights off and on, coming to me in dreams and doing some really, really traumatic things to me in them, and just standing in corners staring at me at all hours of the night. Had me so scared that towards the end of the school year I was waiting to sleep until sunrise, when it would go away. And no, I was not using any mind-altering substances of any sort. Not even going out and getting drunk. 

So, yeah. Year Two was a hard one that I can’t believe I pushed through. Probably the darkest year of my life, I’d say. What got me through it? An unhealthy amount of energy drinks, friends, and my love of Japanese. Also Aerosmith.

Do I still see that demon? No. He vanished when the school year ended and I moved out of the dorms. Do I believe in the supernatural? Yes, to an extent. Do I think that what I was seeing was actually a demon? I honestly don’t know. I have had actual supernatural experiences verified by multiple witnesses, and a few years before Year 2, several friends and myself had seen an entity similar to what was following me around. But this one in Year 2 only did things when I was alone. So it could have all been in my head, and I will never know. 

Since then, I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and also a form of insomnia that keeps me from sleeping through the night, and I know that my anxiety manifests itself in psychosomatic ways. In other words, my mind will take my anxiety and turn it into a physical symptom that feels real in every way, but is actually not occurring. So far it’s manifested as: sensitivity to sunlight, the symptoms of a stroke or heart attack, half of my face going numb, and headaches in my left eye. Once I realize that the symptom is just my anxiety, I can force myself to ignore and overcome it. But then my anxiety finds a new form to manifest, and the cycle repeats a few months later. It could be that my stress caused me to see this demon for a while.

Should I have consulted a psychiatrist and gotten help? YEP. If you find yourself struggling like that, seek help please. 💕

Year 3: Adrift But Afloat

I moved out of the dorms and into an apartment with my best friend, a Japanese girl I met in the dorms freshman year. I will call her Setsuko. Setsuko is basically the reason I graduated uni. She memorized my class schedules and took copies of exam dates, woke me up, forced me to go classes instead of skipping, forced me to go to the library and study with her, and cooked me dinner most days since she didn’t have to work like I did. I can’t express enough how much she did to improve my life outside of school and work, and how much that improved my mental health. She also acclimated me to lots of subtle things about Japanese culture just by living with her, and this helped me later when I moved to Japan. Thank you, Setsuko. 一生の恩人。

I was still doing those bullshit 15-hour overnight shifts way more than I should have, and also had the maximum courseload.

The Japanese classes got a lot more difficult in Year 3. But I loved them. They were the only classes I never skipped. I took more classes towards the minor like Buddhist Philosophy and Japanese History, which I really enjoyed. While polishing off more gen eds, I thought over what to do with my major. 

My family and friends all told me that I should become an English teacher. I had always been good at words and at explaining things. But I didn’t really like the idea of being a high school teacher. I became an English major, though, because I knew that I didn’t hate English. Took grammar classes and HOLY SHIT did I hit my stride.

I realized that I didn’t like English lit. I liked linguistics. So I focused heavily on all grammar and linguistics courses, taking the bare minimum of literature courses required for the major. My GPA improved substantially. 

Yet I still was consumed with this nagging fear. It was Year 3 and I still had no fucking idea what I wanted to do when I graduated.

Year 4: Clarity At The 11th Hour

Urged on by my “Don’t you dare get one of those stupid arts degrees that won’t get you a paycheck” parents, I decided that the most “practical” degree would not be “English,” but “English Education.” I began taking the English Ed classes with linguistics, grammar, and second language acquisition classes. The goal was to become a qualified English high school teacher who could also do ESL (since I had Spanish and Japanese under my belt more or less). 

At the same time, I entered into Independent Study for Japanese with two other students. We were tasked with reading Izu no Odoriko, a classic short story. Independent study was its own beast. It required a lot more concentration and work on my part, obviously. But because Japanese was my first and foremost passion, I centered my efforts on those courses, and then on the others.

The process of getting certified to be an English teacher was lengthy and expensive in my state. This meant my graduation would be further prolonged, and I was worried about money, because I was already about $50,000 in debt at the time, despite working those fucking overnight shifts all the time that were eating me alive.

Then, during the summer vacation when my 4th year ended, I got a scholarship and went to Japan to study abroad. Education majors had the option to study abroad in several countries, and as luck would have it, one of them was Japan, and it was Setsuko’s HOMETOWN! The study abroad program itself was the first month of summer vacation, and Setsuko said, “Okay, just come stay at my house for the rest of summer vacation!”

Never have I said “yes” quicker in my entire life.

On the train headed from Sapporo to the town where I would be actually staying during my studies, I looked at the lush rice paddies and mountains in the distance and my entire heart just hummed with this “This is where you’re meant to be.” I knew then and there that I would move to Japan upon graduation.

What would I do there? Well, teach English, obviously.

My three months in Japan effectively aligned my entire life. My path had materialized before me. It was a roughly hacked, hard-to-see path through thick underbrush, but I could see it nonetheless. 

Year 5: Let’s Hurry It Up, I’m Ready To Live

Come Year 5, all of my Japanese classmates that had been with me since freshman year were gone and I was alone. My professor taught me Classical Japanese through independent study, and it was the must grueling course I took my entire five years there. But I found it invaluable and am eternally grateful to him for teaching me, because you see Classical Japanese a lot more than you’d think you would in everyday life. Particularly in formal settings. 

I still wanted to get certified to teach English in American high schools, because while I knew I wanted to go to Japan for now, I didn’t know if I wanted to spend my entire life there and I wanted a solid job opportunity when I came back to the states at some point.

However, the more education courses I took, the more I saw that the American education system was just as full of red-tape and The Man’s bullshit as corporate America, something else I rebuke with every fiber of my being. I also realized I’d need to take a 6th year of university, and that just wasn’t financially feasible for me. So I switched to a plain old English major with a heavy focus on linguistics and second language acquisition, and continued classical Japanese. 

I took the remaining 3 gen eds online in the summer, graduated, popped up to Chicago to do a month-long intensive course to get the CELTA (Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages issued by Cambridge.) It’s the most widely accepted and revered certification for teaching English as a foreign language.

So in the span of five years, I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in English with a focus in linguistics and SLA, and what is technically a major in Japanese Studies. 40 credit hours were required for a major, and I completed 42 credit hours tied to my minor, so while it isn’t listed on my diploma as a major, I did the coursework. I also got a CELTA Pass B, which only 20% of applicants achieve and never expires. The grand total for all of this was roughly $100,000 USD in loans.

Post-Graduation

The week I came back to my hometown from Chicago with my CELTA in hand, I packed my suitcases, threw a going-away party, and then flew to Sapporo, where I began my first job after uni, teaching English to children aged 0-18 at a private English conversation school. I did that for three years before changing careers and becoming a Japanese-English translator/interpreter for a global company. 

So how useful have my choices during university proven to be?

I’m sure I don’t have to explain that studying Japanese helps me tons with translating Japanese to English or living in Japan lol

Studying English grammar, linguistics, sociolinguistics, and second language acquisition has allowed me to recognize minute nuances that can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful business negotiation when interpretation is necessary.

My background in education also means that I know how to present information clearly, concisely, and in a way that engages the audience. I am known as “The PowerPoint Pro” at work lol. 

I also have a keen eye for performance evaluation, behavior analysis, and improvement action plans. 

I offered English conversation lessons to coworkers for over a year, and now that is being done in other branches across the company! (Well, they were before COVID haha.) 

I DO NOT RECOMMEND WORKING THE HOURS I WORKED WHILE IN SCHOOL. My grades suffered and I wish I had worked less and focused more on classes. However, by working 15-hour shifts and doing full days of classes, I developed a very good tolerance for overtime, which comes in handy in the Japanese workplace. Just last month I had three 15 hour days in the same week. Sweet, sweet overtime pay. 

All of these facets have culminated in me earning a pretty nice promotion to 正社員 seishain back in February, which means I get nice benefits and basically my job is guaranteed until I die or the company goes under.

Should I decide to return to America someday, I will probably not go into the education field. Too much red tape. I will likely continue translation/interpretation for companies, because it isn’t too difficult and pays well. Though ideally I’d love to just make a living sharing cool information about Japanese and stuff, and maybe writing those stories that are bouncing around in my head when I should be working haha.

Do I think the debt is worth it?

Well, I don’t think I had any other option than to take out those loans. I didn’t have the means to learn the things I wanted to learn unless I went to university. 

Unless Japanese work visa requirements have changed, you are required to have a bachelor’s degree in order to obtain my sub-type of work-visa, so I needed a degree of some kind no matter what. 

Frankly, if I hadn’t gone to that university and met my best friend Setsuko, I don’t think I’d be where I am right now, living the life I am now. So just having met her is worth any price to me. 

Paying off all the loans is daunting, especially when yen is weak to the dollar. There were months I had to ask my parents for help, especially early on. But now I’ve got multiple loans paid off, my salary has increased, and the “omg i have money and no supervision so I can buy whatever I want” idiocy has mostly gone away. But I did get a super sweet pair of blindingly silver Converses a couple days ago that I definitely didn’t need

Do I have any regrets regarding my time at university?

I still regret dropping Old English for a stupid English Ed class. Seriously, how cool would that have been? But I still have the textbook, workbook, and I contacted the professor last week and she was kind enough to send me a syllabus. God bless her. So now I’m working on that bit by bit, which is fun.

I wish I hadn’t been such a cocky, naive idiot my first year. Thinking I could just “show up for tests” was the stupidest thing. It messed up my GPA, and my parents forbade me from retaking classes so I couldn’t go back and fix my mistakes. I think I graduated with a 3.4 overall GPA out of 4, but my English major GPA was 3.9 and my Japanese GPA was 4.0. So it’s pretty frustrating to have those gen eds and my dumbfuckery mar my transcript like that.

I really didn’t party at all. Most all of my friends were straight-laced Japanese exchange students, and I was also working ridiculous hours so I just didn’t really have the time. A part of me feels like I missed out on that part of the college experience.

Recently I’ve been putting more effort into improving my creative writing by reading a lot of books on the subject. Not a small part of me wishes that I had gone with a Creative Writing major instead of English major, because I still would have studied all the grammar and linguistics. Then again, I do believe that creative writing can be self-taught.

I wish I hadn’t worked as much as I did. There were a lot of times I couldn’t complete assignments or I missed lectures because I was just so drained. It wasn’t even good money.

Well...I did not intend for this post to become as long as it has. I’ve been cooped up in my apartment with nothing but two goldfish for company for over a month now and I think I’m a bit stir-crazy. Thank you to anyone and everyone who bothered to read all of this and become my therapist for a bit haha. Love you all. Stay safe and well. 💖

#study japanese #learn japanese #university #college #study tips #mental health #love you all #asks are open #stay well #noodle-of-sunshine #noel fielding #studyblr #college study tips #university struggles #college struggles #study english #study english education #study linguistics

[kayliemusing]

37

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? - I think a few hours ago lol

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? - how does it everything work out in the end

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? - i don't really have one yet

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? - When I was 8, my family and I were driving home from the christmas eve service. It was snowing big fluffy snowflakes and i was in a sparkly dress in the backseat. rascal flatts was playing 'god bless the broken road' on the radio and we were all sitting in this really nice content silence.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? - I think I'd try to do more, go out more, experience more, write more.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? - Write a novel(s) / write successful novels - Fall in love - finally go to a taylor swift concert lol

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. - My mom is someone I super close to. She has these vibrant blue eyes that literally carry an ocean of good things. She has a warm soul and she always uses her energy to lift other people up or just to hold their hand when life is rocky.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? - Yes

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? - I don't remember. A while ago I think. Maybe like last september-ish and I only remember that because my job did a really not cool thing to me and I cried when I told my mom and then cried when I told my best friend lol

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. - My mom because we could talk about life while stargazing.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? - maybe. if i felt super comfortable with them and it was the right time for it, then probably.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? - I don't know, actually. Probably not since high school or roughly around then bc i'm always asleep by 10 pm lol. it was probably with one of my friends.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? - I'd probably tell my mom thank you for everything she's done and had to sacrifice for me/our family, and i'd tell her i loved her.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? - Beautiful! Bright! Lovely! God tier! Wow!

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. - "I couldn't get the boy to kill me but I wore his jacket for the longest time" by Richard Siken. First of all, this quote makes me like !!!!! just exclamation marks!!!! I think I just love the poetry and the subtext in this quote, because it's kind of like being haunted by this boy was in itself its own kind of death. So like yeah you didn't kill me, but you haunt me instead.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? - What The Hell Is This: a memoir by me

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? - Buy a house and move to a different city, invest a lot of it, buy a car, buy another cat, send money to charity, quit my job.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? - I'm a forgiving person when I feel like someone is worth forgiving, which I kind of don't like about myself because I don't know if that's necessarily the right thing. I don't like that I feel like people have to earn forgiveness, but if I'm hurt by someone or someone has hurt someone I love, I tend to hold grudges and I will especially hold grudges if the hurt or offense is never addressed. But if someone were to apologize and I felt like they were sincere and they gave me a good explanation for the actions, I'm definitely forgiving then.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. - n/a

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? - pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. - I don't mind some tattoos and piercings, but I don't like tons of piercings and I definitely don't like tattoo sleeves or anything like that lol. You do you, but I could never lol.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? - Generally, yeah. It depends on my mood that day. Sometimes I'll wear a full face, other times I'll do bare minimum or nothing at all. Makeup makes me feel nice and it can really make your features pop.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. - Taylor Swift baby. Taylor has been such an inspiration to me as a writer and a human being. I think she sees the world very vividly and very romantically, and I love that about her. I love that she's kind-natured, even when the world tries to put a masochistic spin on her, she's simply just good. I love her honestly and vulnerability in her story-telling, and I love the work-ethic and careful creativity that's in her work. On a more personal note, her music feels like contentment and joy, and sometimes nostalgia. I started listening to her music in the fifth/sixth grade but I remember when Speak Now came out and at that time I was starting to get into writing and I could really see that she was a writer too so I clung to her, and then Red was released while my dad was fighting cancer and that album was just something I really pressed into as a means of comfort and escape and I'm so glad that I had her music lean on.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. - *mind goes blank*

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. - I haven't actually been to a concert that's really impacted me meaningfully because I've never gone to anyone I legitimately wanted to see lol. When I was 10, I went to a Jonas Brothers concert with my sister who was a bigger fan of them than I was and I do remember it being a good time. Then when I was 15, my best friend took me to marianas trench because our other friend baled so she had a spare ticket. It was a really good show and it actually made me get into their music more than I had been before which was awesome.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? - I would love it if taylor swift wrote me a letter and I honestly wouldn't care what she wrote in it as long as it was something nice lol

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? - I used to have a work space in my room but I moved the desk upstairs to our office. Now I just write in my room and that for me looks like a made up bed, a nightstand with a candle, and a vanilla-scented lamp to create a warm cozy atmosphere.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? - I usually write in the evening and then maybe I'll watch youtube or I'll listen to music or scroll through tiktok lol. Then I put on my pj's, skincare routine, brush teeth, and I go to bed (where I end up reading for half the night but whatevs)

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? - I'm pretty open with my mom so I don't think there's anything she doesn't know about me lol.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? - I wouldn't mind dying my tips pink or blue just because I think that's a universally cute look. As for styling it, probably what I do now, maybe curl it a little more.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? - I don't think I even know five people (that i'm close to) yikes

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. - I wish for success, because I always feel like a failure or inadequate in someway - I wish to fall in love, because I'd like to know it at least once - I wish to be able to write again in a way that makes me happy, because I feel like I keep disappointing myself and I just want that creative freedom again

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. - I've never done anything super creative lol but one year I dressed like a bumble bee and I loved that costume because it was a little frilly dress with wings.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? - fun fact I've never been drunk or high

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? - Anything that involves killing or spiders

storms: you can only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? - All too well by taylor swift baby

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. - I have not fallen in love before but I imagine it feels like contentment and coming home.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? - I wouldn't do really short hair, but my favourite hair cuts on me was a short bob.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? - Just your standard white hot chocolate, and i'd trust anyone to order it for me bc it's not that difficult lol

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? - My writing / my career I think

#survey

[sockparade]

tips for surviving the pandemic: things i learned from my immigrant parents

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been a little over a week since the WHO announced that the coronavirus (COVID-19) was officially a pandemic. This has been a long, challenging week for a lot of people and it is nothing short of terrifying to read reports of what is happening in Asia and Europe as many predict that we’ll likely endure a similar fate here in the United States. In the midst of all of this chaos and uncertainty, I’ve been reminded of so many lessons that my Taiwanese immigrant parents taught me. I’m sharing them here so that others might also benefit. Thanks Ma. Thanks Daddy.

你昨天已經出去了.

“You already went out yesterday.“

1. Learn how to stay home. Our family is eight days into self-isolating at home and Tony asked me this morning if I had cabin fever. And strangely, the answer is no. I’m not. Not to downplay the difficulty of this moment but my experience with this “shelter-in-place” ordinance reminds of pretty much all my summers between kindergarten and 8th grade. Both of my parents worked full-time so summer was just three blissful months of nothing. No structure, no plans, no camps, no playdates, and no responsibilities. My parents never made me feel like I was missing a thing by staying home and I don’t remember ever feeling bored. There were always library books to read, stories to write, and thoughts to journal. Hours were spent playing school with my big sister (now a first grade teacher!), making up random games like who can avoid touching the carpet longest, learning Kim Zmeskal’s latest gymnastics floor routine, writing lyrics to Kenny G saxophone solos, and rehearsing for our variety show that we would perform to our tired parents at the end of the day. And that’s not even including the hours we spent watching The Price is Right, CHIPS, Knight Rider, and Airwolf (yep, no cable).   

As a teenager I carefully plotted all my hangouts with friends so that I didn’t have too many consecutive days when I was out of the house. Whenever I asked my parents if I could hang out with friends, they would always say, “But you already went out yesterday. What’s wrong with staying home? Why do you always have to go out?” It was as if having too much fun two days in a row was off limits. If there was a big party on Friday, I would purposely make sure I stayed home Wednesday and Thursday just to increase the chances of being able to go out on Friday. I know a lot of people talk about how awful their high school years were but I was one of those lucky kids who had a really great group of friends that made me feel seen, loved, and cared for. The downside was that I couldn’t get enough of it. I was always thinking about the next hangout, the next event, the next thing. It took me all the way until my late twenties to fully appreciate the fine art of staying home and to finish my unexpected transformation into the expert homebody that I am today. 

I’m reminded of that old quote by Blaise Pascal, “All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." 

It’s great to be out and about, but it’s also really important to learn how to stay home.  

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晚上要吃什麼？清冰箱.

“What are we eating for dinner?” “Cleaning the fridge.”

2. Be creative with what you have. I love food. Not in a foodie sense, but I get a lot of pleasure out of eating. I’m not a food snob by any stretch of the imagination. I thoroughly enjoy a Stouffer’s frozen lasagna or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as much as I enjoy a fancy, inventive, Michelin-starred meal at Commis. What’s hard for me is when food is eaten as sustenance rather than with delight. But my parents taught me that you can always take pride in preparing a meal. No matter your ingredients.

My mom is an excellent cook. I know a lot of people think their mom is a good cook but my mom is legitimately skilled in the kitchen. There were some nights when I’d ask what was for dinner and my mom would just reply, “Cleaning the fridge.” 

Now for some, this might sound terrifying. But my mom could honestly make something out of nothing. I still crave my dad’s simple egg and garlic fried rice. My parents raised me to be able to make an tasty meal just from rummaging in the pantry and fridge for random leftover things. There were plenty of summers where lunches and snacks were an individual culinary adventure for each of us kids. I still remember the day I witnessed my baby sister add a Kraft single on top of her onion ramen noodles. She saw my confusion, shrugged and said, “You should try it, it’s good.” 

With all the hoarding folks have been doing during this pandemic, I’ve found myself feeling quite anxious. Trying to calculate if we have enough food. Estimating how many more meals we can eat at home before we need to make another grocery run. As someone who struggles with a scarcity mentality it has been hard not to panic. But then I keep reminding myself that I know how to make good food using just whatever’s available. 

You know, I was pretty disappointed with Mary H.K. Choi’s second novel, Permanent Record, given how much I enjoyed her debut novel, Emergency Contact. But I was absolutely thrilled with the shine she gave to what her protagonist calls “Hot Snacks”.

Here’s an excerpt from Permanent Record that is a beautiful ode to creative food mashups and immigrant kids everywhere: 

“I edit and post a Shin Ramyun Black video set to music. My favorite instant noodles with three flavor packets and so much garlic. It’s a classic Korean HotSnack, especially when you throw in cut-up hot dogs, frozen dumplings, extra kimchi - and this is where the artistry comes in- eggs, cheese, corn from a can, and a drizzle of sesame oil on top. And furikake if you’re feeling wealthy. The next night I put up a bacon, egg, and cheese not in a bagel but in a glazed honey bun. Laced with sriracha and pan fried on the outside. Then it’s chilaquiles with Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos and chorizo. Jamaican beef patty casserole disrespected with a smothering of Japanese curry and broiled. With Crystal Hot Sauce over the top and pickled banana peppers. I’m trolling with that one but the controversy is berserk. When I run out of old videos, I make saag paneer naanchos with Trader Joe’s frozen Indian food, and it’s a hit. Especially when I add yogurt and a thick layer of crushed-up Takis on top.”

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看連續劇.

“Watch soap operas.” 

3. Find a way to escape. I’m generally pro technology but I’ll admit I’m a little bummed at the way iPhones and iPads have made TV viewing such an individual activity. I like how Disney+ has gotten some families back to watching TV together again. Although I will say, we really coddle our kids these days. I grew up in a time when movie ratings only applied in the theaters and we watched movies with our families like Alien, The Fly, and Gremlins. We were scared out of our minds and sometimes could only watch through the cracks between our fingers covering our eyes because it was so scary. Okay, this also might be why I can’t watch horror movies as an adult. 

From a young age, my parents taught me that watching other people’s drama unfold on screen is one of the best way to escape your own drama. Some people say binge watching became a thing when the TV networks started releasing shows on DVD. Others give credit to Netflix releasing their original content a whole season at a time. But truth be told, I first learned how to binge watch from my parents. 

We would rent 30-40 VHS cassette tapes from that random spot in Bellaire Chinatown. Can you picture it? You needed multiple plastic bags to transport that many VHS tapes. 

Do you remember the one about the dying mother who needed to find homes for each of her 7 children? I don’t think it’s normal for a 10 year old to cry so much but you better believe it’s made me learn the true value of a soap opera escape hatch. 

Are you in a pandemic? Now’s the perfect time to pick up that YA novel, binge that reality show, start that kdrama, or rewatch all six seasons of The Sopranos again.

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下個禮拜會下雨.

“It’s going to rain next week.”

4. Be informed about what’s ahead. If you ask either of my parents about the weather at any given time they can reliably tell you the daily percent chance of precipitation and humidity for at least seven days out. They’ve always been this way. They would inform me of the weather at various points throughout the week. They planned their yard work and car washes around the weather forecast. There’s something about the way the weather forecast is available to everyone. And it feels like it’s just a matter of making the small extra effort to access it and gain a slight advantage. I feel like so much of the immigrant mentality is to be diligent in making the right choices to not screw yourself over and seizing opportunities whenever you can. And it wasn’t just weather but this is such an obvious example of it. 

I remember my dad saying to me once, "Can you imagine if someone decided to read every book in their local library? If they just went shelf by shelf and systematically read all the books? You could do it, you know. It’s free, it doesn’t cost any money to check out a book from the library. But no one really does it.” 

I think immigrant parents get a bad reputation for forwarding chain letters and health/science hoaxes they get on email, WeChat and Line. And in a pandemic, yes, they are definitely susceptible to misinformation, rumors and flat out untruths. But the thought behind it seems right. 

The mistrust of government leadership is actually quite relevant right now in this pandemic. Many immigrants left countries with governments that were overtly corrupt, oppressive, and used propaganda to influence its citizens. And while many Americans still take pride in living in a country that verbally champions freedom and democracy, the truth is that our government has already failed us and lied to us in many ways. During this pandemic, we cannot wait on leaders to tell us what to do. We must be diligent in reading for ourselves, seeking experts, using our critical thinking skills, and making preparations accordingly.

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會不會冷?

“Are you cold?” 

5. Check in with yourself. Check in with others. I have so many memories of my parents walking through the living room and asking me and my sisters if we were cold. It felt like they couldn’t walk past the thermostat without asking us if they needed to raise it or lower it. As if they couldn’t hear us sneeze and wonder if they needed to turn off the ceiling fan. They couldn’t see us sitting in a dim room without turning on a light for us. There are so many times I fell asleep reading on the couch and woke up with a blanket over me. Or sometimes I was fully awake doing something random, like playing Egyptian Rat Screw with my sisters (a cardgame for the uninitiated), and my mom would walk by and wordlessly drop a warm, heavy blanket over my shoulders. That’s care, y’all. Consistent, immediate action, and often without words.  

The tip here is to pay attention to your discomfort during a pandemic. There’s this immigrant stereotype of stoicism and that’s true to some degree but maybe the resilience is made possible not because of unnatural toughness but largely because immigrant parents can also be so incredibly perceptive and tender in some very tangible ways. 

When everything is chaotic around you and you’re busy multitasking these next few months, don’t ignore your needs. Notice how you’re feeling. Physically and emotionally. Where are you carrying your stress and tension in your body? You don’t have to tough it out. Oh and remember to check in with your people on how they’re feeling. Is there a light switch you can turn on for someone? 

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笑死人.

“Laugh to death.” 

6. Laugh to survive. Look, we didn’t have the perfect family or anything like that. We’ve definitely had our share of difficult times, financial stress, health issues, arguments, and pain. But my parents also really knew how to laugh and taught us to laugh with abandon. Like, bent over, tears running out of your eyes, can’t breathe kind of laughing. Our dinner table was kind of like a writer’s room. It was difficult to tell a mediocre story. You had better come prepared with a punchline or a point. It was a tough crowd, every night. On many occasions I stopped myself halfway through a story upon the self-realization that there was no real way to land the plane. Polite laughs were nowhere to be found, except perhaps a charitable smile from my baby sister. But it didn’t stop us from trying. I think my sisters and I are all probably better storytellers for it and we definitely have learned to try to bring humor into difficult times.  

I know that this pandemic is so incredibly dark and depressing that it can sometimes feel disrespectful, inappropriate, or childish to laugh at anything. But my parents taught me that you laugh to survive. Nothing is ever so dark that you can’t find a reason to laugh. And sometimes you really need to find something to laugh about.

I’ve been taking long breaks each day from major media news outlets but I have been finding such joy and laughter from the meme creators on IG and the comedic geniuses on Twitter. In Taiwanese when something’s really funny, people will say a phrase that is imperfectly translated as laugh to death. Like you killed a person it was so funny. Now’s the time to find that content or those people who will get you to laugh to death. 

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我要去挪車.

“I’m going to go re-park the cars.” 

7. Go to bed with a plan for the next morning. I grew up in a suburb of Houston, Texas where one property developer built the entire neighborhood and used the same eight or nine floor plans for all the houses but changed up the brick and trim color to keep things interesting. Most homes have a long driveway that connects a garage set near the backdoor of a home to the street. By the time I was driving, we had four cars in total -- two in the garage and two on the driveway. At the end of the day when everyone was home for the night and my dad was getting ready to go to bed, he’d announce, “I’m going to go re-park the cars.” Then we’d all kind of stop what we were doing and rearrange the order of the cars to match our morning departure schedules. This meant figuring out who was leaving when in the morning and sometimes also prompted brief check-in conversations about any changes in our usual routine. 

In a pandemic it can sometimes feel like there are a million different things to attend to and large conceptual concerns that demand your attention. But there’s something calming and centering about spending a few minutes each night thinking through specifically what needs to happen just tomorrow. Not the day after or next week. Get super tactical and specific about what tomorrow morning looks like. Check-in with your partner about any aberrations to your schedule (e.g. I have a super important conference call at 7am tomorrow) to minimize any unnecessary surprises. There’s something magical about setting up your morning that helps you rest just a little easier at night. 

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星期三我們有禱告會.

“On Wednesdays we have prayer meeting.”

8. Make time for your spirituality. Growing up my parents both had physically demanding jobs. My mom was a seamstress for many years, providing alterations at my aunt and uncle’s dry cleaners. She later worked in an elementary school cafeteria and then eventually became a classroom aide for special needs students. My dad worked at that same dry cleaners for years until he got a job at the post office. He then became a letter carrier, delivering mail on foot. The summer months were especially grueling, carrying a heavy sack of mail in 100 degree, humid weather, and walking until sweat soaked his shirts and blisters formed on his feet. They had every excuse to skip weeknight events. But unless they were sick in bed, I can’t remember a time when they missed their weekly prayer meeting with their friends from church.  

Pandemics have an unsettling way of forcing us to confront our mortality and can trigger a bunch of unresolved shit that has been bubbling underneath the surface. We’ve lost some of our usual coping mechanisms and it can be super hard to quiet the anxieties, fears, and other demons that we usually try to keep under control. This isn’t a lecture about a particular faith or belief system. It’s just a reminder to prioritize your existential questions, your interior life, and your connection to things much bigger than yourself -- whether that’s a community, a yoga practice, a faith group, a tradition, or something else. 

I have a fledgling meditation practice that I’ve been trying to strengthen since last year. When I say fledgling I mean that sometimes I bail before the ten minutes is up and check my phone. Even though I’m not very good at it yet, I can really tell the difference on the days that I make time for it. Our church started hosting its weekly Sunday service online and that’s challenging for me because a church service feels like it’s designed to be so much about the physical rhythm of going to a place, seeing faces of people I love, hearing their voices co-mingling with mine in song and in prayer, and tasting the bread and wine in my mouth. The online service was short, and just for viewing through a zoom conference call, but there was still something meaningful about setting aside that time Sunday morning, asking our wiggly kids to be present, and saying the liturgy out loud knowing that in homes all across the country, other people are doing the same. 

If things are really going to get as bad as some are predicting, we’ll need the spiritual strength to make it to the other side. Those habits are hard to form overnight. My parents taught me that you really have to make the time for your spirituality non-negotiable, so that you won’t abandon it when it’s inconvenient or when you are too tired.    

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沒辦法.

“What choice do we have?” 

9. Rise to the occasion. Whenever my parents are telling old war stories about things they had to do to get to where they are today, inevitably one of us will say, “Man that’s crazy, how did you manage to do it?” And instead of pointing to some super personality trait of theirs or some complex self-help principle, they always say, “We had no choice.” It’s not said in a defeated way, but in a posture of accepting that life can be cruel, unfair, and capricious. And that it’s not helpful to dwell too long on the why’s and how’s. My parents taught me that you can’t stay in despair mode. You eventually have to push yourself into problem solving mode and you do whatever it takes to move forward.  

This coronavirus is so unlike anything we’ve ever experienced in our lifetime. It is so unprecedented for me that my brain is having a hard time processing the reality of what’s happening right now and the rest of my lived experience. I spent the first few days of this week just being overwhelmed, anxious, angry, and irritable. At this point though, I’m in go mode. I’m doing what needs to be done for our family and taking care of business. What choice do we have? I can hear my parents saying it. One day, if we’re lucky, we’ll say it to our kids too. 

#coronavirus #immigrants #immigrant parents #survival tips #advice #covid-19 #pandemic #childhood #lifelessons

[jellypipemedia]

Art Industry and Equality

The Artist Industry, an industry that lets self-expression come out in a number of mediums. 

As an Artist myself, i can tell you how wonderful it has been to have a creative outlet like my multimedia. To express my ideas and watch the momentum of my work turn into something special. As many other Artists, it’s hard to find that validation and legitimacy in the industry that defines you as a professional and makes your career into more than a ‘hobby’. Some find that struggle more intense than others.

The idea that ‘All Artists have to struggle’ is a common ideology but beyond that- do all artists struggle in the same ways? Of course not. This could be combated with a number of different perspectives based off of different talent levels and different environments but commonly, artists are not given the same opportunities based off of more than just their talent. Different aspects come into play. 

The Artist Industry has been known for their inclusive atmosphere and supportive community, but is it set apart from any other industry when it comes to addressing equality issues? 

Misogyny/Trans-Misogyny , unequal opportunities based on gender, lack of recognition and the power struggle of legitimacy have all played their part in work industries all over- and the artist industry doesn’t escape that narrative.

A common theme that i find more than any other is women, queer, non-binary, and Fem artists struggle to find their power behind their art because they are usually dismissed, deemed illegitimate, or seen as ‘just a hobby’, or they could ‘make it a real job someday’. Their work isn’t given the credit it deserves or the recognition of legitimate work. Opportunities are missed quite often as work lays in favor of social stigmas and safe investments in uncomplicated people seem to flourish regularly. 

Stewing over my thoughts on this, I reached out to my social media circle looking for more perspective on the situation. I was able to connect with a couple of people, ask them their thoughts on how these aspects of the industry have affected them on a professional level and their influence on the industry . I want to keep the dialogue going about this and would love to hear more about the perspective of women, queer, fem, non-binary artists on the industry that claims to be so inclusive.  

With that being said, I had a great opportunity to talk with the Founder of ‘Siren Nation’.       *

Diving into ‘Siren Nation’ media, I came across their ‘LinkedIn’ page. Their Mission Statement spoke to me and left me wanting to dig just a bit deeper into the foundation of their cause.

“Siren Nation is a unique arts organization that showcases and creates performance and exhibition opportunities for women throughout the year. We are the only women’s collective that produces an annual festival showcasing the original work of women working in music, film, performance and visual art.

Siren Nation’s mission is to inspire and empower women of all ages to create their own art and to highlight the many achievements of women in the arts.”

When I was connected with Natalia Kay O’brien, I didn’t know much about Siren Nation or where our conversation would lead too. I had an idea of where i wanted to take this project, not having much more than a foundation and urgency to keep learning more about the perspectives of women identifying, queer and non-binary.

So, I asked if she’d be willing to help me out by telling her story and giving us an insight on her perspective of the industry.

Natalia:

I'd be super happy to help! There's an amazingly rich queer music scene in Portland and the Pacific Northwest. That is a big part of the reason I moved out here!

From 1999-2010 i produced a lot of events that centered queer folx -some from out of town, some in town.

Jay:

Awesome! I appreciate that a lot about Portland and the PNW. I've grown up in Portland most of my life.

Natalia: 

Lucky you!

Jay:

What are some of the events that you produced?

Natalia:

I started out doing house concerts for a spoken word artist out of NYC, then booking shows for/with traveling queer female artists i got connected with over time. I ended up doing the booking for mississippi pizza for a couple of years and got some more experience there producing shows--generally national folk acts--and booking artists. That helped me begin to get more familiar with the local music scene and get introduced to some amazing artists like Laura Gibson, long before they broke out. 

My experience and frustration, with the local music scene's dearth of female and queer presence and opportunities to get the kind of exposure that festivals offer, inspired me to found Siren Nation, an organization dedicated to promoting and empowering women artists.

As a queer woman I made sure that there was a strong queer presence during my tenure. We were supposed to have ‘Gossip’ headline the first festival and 3 weeks beforehand they broke their contract!

The seven years I spent with Siren Nation exposed me to new queer artists. Unfortunately, at that time, there was no such thing (in terms of identity) as nonbinary, and we didn't put enough effort into be trans inclusive. We produced, and they still do, 2 tribute nights, one for dolly parton, one for billie holiday, that have been happening annually for something going on 15 years! and then the annual festival, in november, which i produced from 2007-2010. 

Jay:

That's absolutely awesome that you contributed so much to the queer/fem community. I know how intensely hard it can be to demand that recognition and be seen as legitimate in the eyes of the world. It's no small thing. Can you give me an example of a time where you’ve experienced misogyny/trans-misogyny that directly affected your work as an artist?

Natalia:

I was tired of not seeing enough women and women-fronted acts on local festival lineups when there were SO MANY amazing female bands. My work as an artist (visual) has been almost entirely a private endeavor. however i do think there is a correlation between the fact that i considered my drawing 'doodling' and i'm a woman. I made art for years before I took on the identity and claimed it. I still squirm a little.

Jay:

I can totally understand that. I deeply feel like the accomplishments of women are often made out to be 'A nice hobby' or 'could be a job someday.'

Natalia:

Yes, exactly.

I can tell you as a booking agent for queer female artists in an industry that is heavily male, did not make for the most hospitable environment to work in. Getting club bookers to book an artist whose press kit screams 'radical feminist lesbian" let alone that she was doing spoken word which was just emerging...well, ultimately all they cared about was whether we could fill a room. There were some venues that didn't want to deal with us, in more conservative parts of the country, i.e. midwest and southeast.

I think trans-misogyny was unfortunately a little baked into Siren Nation in the sense that trans women have remained almost invisible within that space. Not enough queers involved with siren nation after I left!

So I tackled showcasing as many media as possible--music, film, visual arts and later fashion and comedy.”

Jay:

That's a powerful tool in today's world too. Being someone who is involved in a variety of media ( myself as well) is a powerful weapon to today's world of perspective. We have a lot more influence than people credit us for. Have you been affected by any people that are positive influencers in the queer community/have given inspiration to you personally?

Natalia:

The artists inspire me!! That's part of why I produced events because I truly believe in the artists and want to help them connect with a larger audience and want people to get exposed! Bands like Team Dresch, who really blazed trails for queer women punks, all around the country at a time when there was virtually no queer presence in media. Beth Ditto and Gossip, for being fearlessly brash, unashamedly fat, and a force! Women who were unafraid to be loud when it wasn't the norm yet--Sleater Kinney, Bikini Kill too!--inspired me and they were tackling issues that I cared about as a feminist in ways that I didn't see straight women doing.

I will never ever forget seeing Bikini Kill and Kathleen Hannah telling all the 'boys to go to the back'. It blew my mind having stopped moshing b/c it wasn't safe and she demanded and created that space

Jay:

I can definitely vouch for queer punk artists being a heavy influence in the queer community and causing pressure on 'social norms'! It's very empowering and the women in the scene are not a force to be reckoned with. It's still astonishing how such a positive and empowering movement got met with so much resistance.

Natalia:

Kinda like what I wanted to do with Siren Nation. Yeah, some people can't handle a strong woman especially if she is in any way not gender/hetero conforming.

Jay:

I'm sure Siren Nation impacted a lot of people to be the ferocious and powerful people they knew they were.

Natalia:

I hope so!! I know it was a space where, for example, at the tribute shows, artists got to meet and mingle backstage, and spontaneous collaborations would happen.

Jay:

That's the best part of festivals in general. Bring artists from all over and to create that opportunity for networking and creativity.

Natalia:

Right!??!

Practically every female artist who has broken out nationally performed at Siren Nation at some point and offering free workshops was an important way for us to empower and encourage women to create and make their own art.

Jay:

That's awesome! Does Siren Nation still have a website that I can reference too?

Natalia:

Yup! Sirennation.org

As an audience, I found festivals an amazing opportunity to get exposed to new artists.

Most of the language there that is about the organization, like mission statements and values, is mine.

Jay:

So why have you decided not to produce events for Siren Nation more recently? or does the organization take care of itself nowadays?

Natalia:

I left in 2010 because i was pursuing a masters degree, basically decided to pour all the hours and energy i had put into siren nation into a degree that would get me a salary for doing that kind of work. My co-founder December Carson has stayed at the helm and kept it going all these years. There are some longtime volunteers who help at events.

My dream that someday it could be a salaried job I finally realized was not going to be feasible

Jay:

That's a positive transition out of the organization tho! Did you get your master's degree?

Natalia:

Yes! It helped to know that it would carry on after I left, because it was my baby and I was very attached!  It has thrived over the years due to the dedication of the board members who make it happen. New blood comes in, and then they add fashion and comedy. It's been neat to see how it has evolved over the years and yes, I got my Masters, in Public Administration.

Jay:

That's so so so good to hear   Thank you so much for talking with me today- you have really been insightful and this is truly very inspirational to hear as a queer woman in the multimedia industry!

With ending our conversation, I felt like I made a breakthrough on what direction I wanted to take this project and found the encouragement to keep pushing through the media and highlight these amazing women, non-binary, and queer people. 

We lack recognition for being who we are while we make it in this industry. We struggle and fight back - gaining ground and getting traction. 

I’m excited to see where this project takes me and I'm glad to have you all on this journey. Stay alert for more to come!

#Art Industry #art #journalism #punk #punkscene #inequality #queer #trans #woman #women

[allsystemsarenotgo]

A friend and I were talking one day, and she shared this with me.

She was much like me, raised with a quarter between the knees, terrified of the things we were taught to avoid and trying to live reasonably noble lives. She wasn't allowed Birth Control for religious reasons (pro-life) as well as to prevent enablism. Her family was much more religious than mile, though I still went to church during my Sophomore, Junior, and Senior years of high school.

She married a guy 10 years older than herself, who was a long-time routine customer of her family's business. They married right after she graduated high school, long before she applied to higher education.

She is a nurse now. She has 3 kids, works long hours at a hospital, and her husband is a successful farmer as he always has been. She struggled at times, but she made it through.

She knows life would have been easier without the first child, but she was innocent and naiive and I think she realizes that she jumped in the deep end of the pool before learning how to swim.

I did the same thing.

All through high school I pledged to abstinence until marriage. I hated everything to do with sex. The topic, the drama, the action, the result. I wanted nothing to do with it.

But I also never dated through grade school at all. I never had a girlfriend. Plenty of crushes (M.S. above being one of them), but just as many denials. Because I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have FFA animals, or play athletics, I also wasn't a member of any social group. I was always the kid in the corner of the cafeteria scarfing food down in 5 minutes and sleeping the other 20, or asking to go to a teacher's classroom, where it was serene and quiet.

My freshman year of college, I even wrote an essay on abstinents for English class. That really didn't go over well in regards to having to read it out loud. There might as well have been fruit flying at me.

My dorm was set up such that we had 3 private bedrooms that shared a living space and bathroom. One of the roommates always had girls over, and he never tried to be quiet (or if he did, he failed...badly).

So those two things were my indoctrination to college life. Getting judged and leered at for writing an abstinence essay, and having to listen to a roommate multiple times a week.

Towards the very end of my freshman year, a girl from high school messaged me. We started talking, and she admitted that she had always had a crush on me and was too shy to ever say anything.

Error #1: For no good reason whatsoever, I agreed to formulate a relationship with this female

So when I moved home from the dorms, I hung out with the lass a few times, but my parents were moving out of the country and closer to my school, so I could live at home. That meant that this would now be a 1.5-hour-each-way medium-distance relationship.

So every 4th or 6th weekend during the remainder of that summer and into the fall semester, I would drive up and spend a day with her. Sometimes, I would drive her out of the country and into the city to give her a glimpse of escape (it was very impoverished where we grew up).

Error #2: Doing whatever made her happy

I really enjoyed the time that we spent together. She got me a purity necklace for Christmas that year. She said she understood that my preference meant something to me.

But then, something changed. She would start dropping enuindos and jokes and send me photos that I didn't ask for.

Error #3: Not standing up for myself

She said that I meant something to her, and asked me if she meant something to me. At the time, I did not comprehend that as a trap...but I wanted to make her happy, so I said "yes".

The next thing I know, she is booking a hotel for us for Valentine's day. Wherein, I learned a thing or two or five or ten that I really wasn't interested in learning in the first place.

-Provides Clorox to help scrub the thoughts from your mind-

After that, she wanted me to come see her more and more often. But I was tied up with school and life.

Mind you, we usually had a phone call every night, or at least every other night. Same time, right before bed. Sometimes we would fall asleep on the phone with eachother.

Error #4: Accepting anything as fact

Well one night, I called her, and she answered...but it was noisy in the background, like she was driving. But she never talked while driving, and wouldn't answer the phone with family in the car.

She said she was in a friend's car and they were going to the beach for the night, which was completely reasonable for the time of year and her group of friends. She cut the conversation short saying they had arrive, so we bid our greeting. But she didn't hang up, and something told me that I shouldn't either. So I didn't.

"Who was that?"

"Don't mind him. He was just calling to check on me. He's controlling like that."

"He sounds like a jerk"

"Enough about him. He won't do this."

-Provides more clorox-

And that's how I found out that her primal needs were more important than our "relationship".

Unfortunately, shortly after I broke up with her, I was sent a photo of her quite visibly pregnant. Fortunately, the timetable did not add up to Valentine's day (aside of the fact that it was physically/biologically 95% impossible).

That summer, I started a job at the student newspaper. Right off the bat, one of the graphic artists and I got along very well. We spent way too much time at work talking to eachother and goofing off, instead of working. Enough so that our boss took notice and things got tense for a bit with him. We still cranked out work no problem, but we were both too young to understand workplace policy and procedure when it comes to "dating but not dating", which is basically exactly what we were doing. We spent alot of time together. I would go to her dorm after class and we would watch movies and just goof off or do whatever. We enjoyed time together.

Error #1: So cliché. So, so cliché.

So Valentine's day rolls around, and she asks 'the question'.

So something in biology: There is a term called "Once an animal has the taste of blood, they will always hunt for it." Unfortunately, humans can sometimes be considered a sub-species of the animal kingdom.

Like the dumbass that I am, I accept to the terms and conditions.

And at the end of the night, she asks: "So are we officially dating now?"

"I...I guess?", I answered nervously.

Errors #2 to #457: Not escaping

And just like that, I was suckered into nearly 2.5 years of having a FWB while having to, very creatively at times, mask it as a legitimate relationship.

We enjoyed the time we spent together.

We enjoyed going places together.

My mum liked her, her parents liked me. (Dad was skeptical at best and thought I could do better)

The small issue: I struggled to communicate at times. I didn't know how to find my voice, so there were times that I would have to text her how I felt. Sometimes I would hide in a corner just so I could cry. (I later learned of my autism, and it all made sense and I learned how to resolve this)

The big issue: I was completely burned out on intimacy. After almost 2.5 years of emulating laboratory rabbits, I was done. My usefulness had expired.

The biggest issue: We were both suffering academically. We had no common interests at all anymore, and we had put eachother ahead of our own academics so much that we were both risking academic expulsion.

So we mutually agreed to break up.

She dropped out of university (and never went back or finished her schooling), and I changed majors twice before getting my Bachelor of Science.

My first relationship lasted from June 2009 to April 2010.

My second "relationship" lasted from February 2011 until May 2012 (Although we started spending time together in significant amounts starting August 2010)

I have not had a girlfriend since May 2012.

I had one friend in my senior year of college, who gave me some non-physical affection while also keeping me firmly locked in the friendzone. But quality time, by itself, only goes so far.

I have not had any physical affection since May 2012.

I have not spent quality time with a female since May 2013.

For most of that time, from May 2013 to August 2019, I really didn't mind it at all. I have been so tied up in working, hobbies, and life in general, that I completely ignored women.

But as my birthday loomed near in October 2019, it donned on me....I was on a crash course to being eternally lonely.

So I have tried online dating. I have gone on a few first dates, but no second dates.

Sometimes, I want to give up. The fight just doesn't seem worth the reward.

And honestly?

Sometimes I feel exactly like my friend's remarks at the top of this post. Sometimes I wish I would have been a little more rebellious, a little more care-free, a little more out-there.

But at the same time, ...

Sometimes I wish that neither relationship would have ever happened.

That I would have never learned the true definition of intimacy.

That I would have never done whatever it took to make the other person happy.

That I wouldn't have been such an easy push-over.

That I would have stuck to my initial pledge in life

That I would have spoke up more and defended myself.

All I am now, is damaged product.

I don't truly know how to love.

I don't truly know how to feel.

I don't truly know how to be myself.

I don't truly know how to be intimate.

I am human, I am male, so of course I have my moments. But I don't want that to be the reason for a relationship. I want it to be the least-important factor, or not a factor at all.

I want a relationship founded on trust, honesty, fortitude, common interests, personality, maybe even a little faith.

Not intimacy.

I just want to not be invisible, or to only have one attribute visible.

I want to be seen for all the other attributes.

I am not A-sexual. I still feel emotions and feelings. I just don't want to let them out of the locked box which contains them. Not without lots of context and preparedness.

[fuzziekins]

I would like to ask you all of the pride questions from that one post.

Dammit Steve XD

Gender and pronouns?  Female and she/her are fine, as far as i know i’m cis. i don’t care if you call me dude, though. Dude can be anyone.

Romantic orientation? i use demi-whatromantic, with demiromantic as the microlabel. Most people know whatromantic as quoiromantic or quoi. i think what/quoi is typically known as a microlabel, but i relate to that more and feel it describes me more compared to demi which is why i focus more on that aspect.

Sexual orientation? In lamest terms? Asexual. In my terms? Stereotypical ace. In specific terms? S-x repulsed asexual.

Past labels you’ve used? i didn’t use anything before discovering asexuality because naive and oblivious, as far as i know. Before demi-whatromantic i briefly used demiromantic as a placeholder even though that didn’t totally feel right on its own.

How long have you been using your current labels? Asexual since late October 2017 and officially, or i guess out, since February 2018. Demi-whatromantic i think has been for maybe 6ish months now?

What made you pick your name? i had no say in my name lol. I haven’t changed it at all

What names have you gone by previously? Unless nicknames count for anything, just my regular boring name.

What names have you considered using? i’ve only ever considered using other names for me as a Pokemon trainer in the games which is obviously not the same. But, for the record, every time i start a game using the male trainer i’d use the name Larry.

Do you like your flag(s)? i don’t focus on the demiromantic flag as much, only because i feel less of the connection to compared to ace and what. The asexual flag has definitely given me a new appreciation for purple, but as a former art student i’ve been taught that black is typically the absence or color and white encompasses all the colors. so i do wish the ace flag had more colors just so i can stop referring to purple as the “only” color. i definitely appreciate and like the look of the whatromantic flag, but i don’t think as many people are aware of what it looks like or that it even exists. i especially love the shade of blue used in it.

Favorite flag(s) visually? Gonna be unoriginal and say the gay pride flag just because i love rainbows. 

Favorite colors? Blue has always been a favorite of mine, and i used to gravitate mostly towards lighter shades of purple but now i just include purple in general.

Favorite animals? Puppies, kitties, bunnies, hamsters, monkeys, ponies.... Actually, probably best just to say adorable fluffy animals.

Favorite things about being LGBT+? i like having an explanation for being me. i don’t look my age to begin with and i definitely don’t act like it. So people assuming there’s something wrong with me mentally because of it, or wanting to avoid me in general.... i know people have their feelings about stereotypes and a lot of times it is negative, but for me knowing that a stereotypical ace basically describes who i am, it feels reassuring. And i like knowing that i don’t have to act or think or do completely of what’s expected of me because in a heteronormative world, being LGBT+ completely flips that around. Even if to me, it doesn’t always feel like i have a place because i don’t know many queer people and i don’t get involved in things in general, somewhere in my mind i know that there’s a place for me.

Are you dysphoric? Not that i know of.

Are you religious? Nope. i don’t fast, i don’t keep kosher, i don’t go to temple, i never went to Hebrew school.... But it doesn’t make me any less connected to my religion and, as selfish as it sounds, i still wanna make a point of it and remind people, hey us Jews exist, too!

Are you questioning your identity? Some parts of it i do question sometimes, mostly in terms of aesthetic attraction. But i fluctuate with including that attraction in my identity. And i do question how much, if at all it does or could play a part in my romantic attraction. 

Are you in a relationship? Haha, funny. Nope.

Are you out of the closet IRL? For the most part, yes. It’s primarily in terms of saying i’m asexual or just queer, but part of that depends who i’m talking to, if or when it comes up in conversation, and how comfortable i feel talking to people about it.

Is your family supportive? i honestly don’t know if my extended family knows, even though i do post pride related things on my Instagram which some of them do follow and i have posted about it there. But, as annoyed as my mom can get with my ace jokes or comments sometimes, she accepts me for who i am and supports me, and has, probably before even knowing the term asexual existed, had an assumption a typical relationship happening for me was slim. And i know without a doubt that if my dad was still around he would definitely be supportive of me and not cared what i identified as, what i looked like, who i liked or didn’t like, or anything like that. 

Favorite LGBT+ celebrity or historical figure? Neil Patrick Harris is definitely one of them, and i think another favorite is probably Demi Lovato.

Favorite LGBT+ couple IRL? Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. i love NPH and the family that he and David have are just the most precious things ever! Plus the way they go all out for Halloween every year? HELL. YES.

Favorite LGBT+ canon character? First one that comes to mind is Asami from Legend of Korra. Because Asami. Another one is Cyrus Goodman from Andi Mack. i loved watching his journey on the show and also knowing that there are kids who were watching Disney Channel that could not only relate to and look up to him as a queer character but also as a queer Jewish character. Plus he was just the most precious character and i just wanted to hug him!

Favorite LGBT+ canon fictional couple? Korra and Asami from Legend of Korra; Stef and Lena from The Fosters; Kat and Adena from The Bold Type.

Some characters you headcanon as LGBT+? Elsa and Honeymaren from Frozen 2. Don’t get me started, i will NEVER shut up. I’m going down with that ship.

Some LGBT+ pairings you ship? i know i already said Kat and Adena from the Bold Type. As of the current season they are - spoiler - not together and have not been done the justice to them as characters or their relationship. I continue to ship them, i love the chemistry the actors always have between them and how believable it is for their characters, and i’m just anxiously waiting for the day when they can hopefully FINALLY get back together.

Any celebrity crushes? If by crushes you mean celebrities i admire, look up to, think are cute, and would probably watch almost any show or movie if they were in it? Zendaya. The same has also applied to Corbin Bleu.

Any fictional crushes? As long as the same rule applies to the previous question and also includes being obsessed yet completely in control of that obsession and that character is also a muse for creativity? Elsa.

A trope you dislike about your identity? Probably that it’s a phase or i just haven’t met the right person yet. It took me probably too long to know let alone even understand why i didn’t think so much of romance or relationships and why i was never looking for or really wanting an actual relationship. For the most part, that’s been my whole life so to say my whole life is just some kind of phase or imply that i’m living it wrong? Just. No.

A trope about your identity that applies to you? Maybe this falls more under the stereotypical asexual label, but that aces can be very childlike. i’ve always been a kid at heart, i never really acted like my age, and yeah i can be really naive or clueless about a lot of things. 

Something you wish people understood about your identity? Probably just that people understood it’s an actual identity. It’s not a choice, it’s not a phase. It’s not a label someone created just to be able to fit in somewhere or for sh-ts and giggles. It’s an actual, legitimate, real identity. 

Something you dislike about being LGBT+? I feel like i can’t fully comment on it because sometimes i don’t fully feel LGBT+. Not having more than a couple of friends who identify as queer, not actively getting involved in the community or really wanting to be around people in general...i can only say what i dislike based on what i’ve seen online. And what i don’t like is that the LGBT+ community is supposed to be that - a community. It’s supposed to be a place where we can all relate to each other somehow, support each other and rely on each other. It’s supposed to be a place where, regardless of what label or how many labels we use, if we’re not straight it’s our place. We belong. But people still find a way to want to kick people out or treat people badly just because they don’t understand or agree on the label. Or maybe they don’t like or understand why someone chose a certain label or doesn’t have one at all or just uses queer. People still find a way to exclude and ignore and that’s not fair at all.

If you’re not cis, do you want HRT and/or surgery?

If you’re not straight, who was your first same-gender crush? Are we still going by either of my crush definitions from earlier....?

Do you align with any gay subcategories? (Butch/femme, bear/twink, etc.) Not that i know of. I don’t think i even know a lot, or maybe any of the subcategories at all besides those mentioned.

Do you have any LGBT+ idols? Elton John is the one that comes to mind. Knowing the life he had, the addictions he struggled with and ultimately overcame, becoming an activist and philanthropist especially for HIV/AIDS, growing up on his music... He dealt with a lot and has gone through so much but he’s come out so much stronger and has not only had a successful career but has also tried to do his part to help others for a cause that he believes in. 

Do you own pride merch? Would you like to? A pride hat, 2 pride scarves, a few pride pins, an asexual lanyard.... i would definitely like to have a t-shirt with an ace pun at it at some point, though.

Do you have a type in partners? Probably water. Or were you talking about actual human partners and not Pokemon partners in the games?

Do you have a type in friends? i actually don’t think i chose any of my friends. As far as i can think of, all of the friends i do have came into my life kind of by accident or by chance and they’re the ones who have stuck around. i do think most of my friends though have senses of humors and are loyal, although the closest ones are definitely WAY more levelheaded than i am! XD

[lizzybeth1986]

I love the code name, and I'll hopefully remember to sign my messages with it from now on. I'm actually quite flattered that I've earned one, so ty for that. I somehow came up with 2 more questions, most likely to turn into essays, for you. 1 should be more lighthearted than the other, so I'm gonna start heavy if ya don't mind xD. You've touched briefly on how families affect the courtly ladies, so I wanted to see your take on how families have shaped the people at court. Have fun!-CL anon :D

You come up with such amazing questions, CL anon! How do you do it! 😁

So...hmm...how families shape the people in court. That's a pretty loaded question! And I mean "loaded" in the sense that when we're talking about "family" in an environment like this, we're also talking about the larger society they inhabit and what values from that society these parents were busy instilling in these children.

Sometimes the struggle I have with theorizing on these things, is that Book 1 starts out with very different ideas of what modern Cordonian society is supposed to be like, but by Book 3 or Book 4 they have developed other ideas that contradict it...or that you have to really work around to make sense of. For instance, the entire idea of open relationships being accepted in Cordonia that crops up conveniently in Book 2 just so the MC can sleep with whoever she wants after she's gotten engaged...yet the same society has such a strong disapproval of PDA that you can lose points with the general public for even joking about being intimate with someone (can these two things happen in the same space? Of course!! But that point from Book 2 does make the overall stuffy atmosphere in Book 1 about displaying affection look a little confusing, you have to admit). So...making sense of these things with the way the books have changed over the series is challenging, but doable.

The one thing that gets clearer and clearer as the story progresses...is that most noble children seem to grow into an awareness from a younger age itself that their public life should not reflect their private ones. Another is that, in the political climate of the time - they may not understand everything that is going on...but their parents have inadvertently taught them to grow up in fear (a legitimate fear, considering the threats at the time). I'll start with the palace, then move to the duchies. (I won't include Drake and Hana much in this, as Drake's family seemed to operate very differently - and honestly we know way more about his American roots than his Cordonian ones - and Hana grew up in another country...though there will be a short paragraph about her towards the end).

--

Liam

Liam grew up in the palace, the second son and younger brother to the royal heir, but you can tell there were things he had to learn pretty early on in his childhood. Things like compromise. Things like weighing what was more important to the country at a time when many children should be caring about their own needs.

It's not a very easy life, Liam's. His mother was murdered when he was still a young boy. His father often neglected him (remember the Eiffel Tower sequence where he justifies Constantine breaking a promise to visit the landmark with him, by recognizing that his father had bigger responsibilities as King?) and expected a great deal from him even at an early age (I mean...forcing an eight year old into hours of diplomacy meetings for three whole weeks??). And while race is never really mentioned in the books, the subtext is there that Eleanor and Liam possibly might have had to work harder for approval from the court than, say, Leo.

Added to this is the entry of Regina later on, after Eleanor's death. I feel like some aspects of her are based on Queen Elizabeth II - especially the way she advocates for stoicism in Book 1 (which is why she is so hard on herself after Constantine's death, in Book 3). Every move of hers is consciously planned and measured so that only certain aspects of herself will be visible to the general public, and I do think Liam draws a little bit on that with his own public image as well. This can be advantageous, because that means someone like Regina (and Liam) will be in control of their image. Only what they want to show, is shown. But it does mean that they have to weigh anything and everything they do with particular care.

In the "wedding advice" scene in Book 3, Liam speaks of how - even if they did have a conflict - Constantine and Regina would always show a publicly united front (and we see elements of that in the aftermath of the MC's scandal. Regina doesn't openly disagree with Constantine's actions, but she does adopt countermeasures because she sees a bigger picture that Constantine isn't willing to see). The family as a whole seems to be very image conscious (and they would be! The royals will be subject to way more scrutiny from the press and the public than most children, so parents will do whatever they can to protect those children from the worst aspects of it) and have to keep in mind that even their slightest reactions in public could have consequences. You see this pretty clearly in the way Liam handles the chaos at the Coronation Ball. He does what he has to, to calm the court down even though he is personally in turmoil - and we see how much turmoil he is in right after he has made his way to the MC's room.

This might be more extensive than most of the other characters, most coz he is an LI and some of his arc was supposed to revolve around being a different man from his father (they...dropped the ball on that one in Book 3).

Maxwell

To me, at least in the beginning, the Beaumonts were supposed to represent two extremes in one House. Propriety is extremely important, and you see this clearly in the way Bertrand speaks and acts and even thinks. But at the same time, their space is also a space for the nobility to let loose and go wild, as one can see from their Beaumont Bashes. These two extremes are represented pretty accurately in both Bertrand and Maxwell, and in a limited way in their parents as well.

Barthelemy expects a great deal out of his sons (even though he isn't exactly the best at meeting expectations himself. In that way he reminds me a little of Sebastian Delacroix's father from The Junior) and requires that they keep the honour of Beaumont House first. But the mother...even though we never actually meet her or even know her name (a pity)...we do know that she made people relaxed and comfortable around her, and wanted her younger boy to be happy with who he was. In Maxwell's wedding advice, he speaks of the importance of laughter - how his mother made his serious-looking father laugh and that was the most enduring image he had of their relationship.

But it's not like the family wasn't prey to the tense political climate that was there in the country when the boys were younger. For instance, Maxwell's fear of carousels is deeply rooted in his own family's fears of their children getting targeted - because he tells us "I was only three, I had no idea what was going on...And because our parents had spent so much time trying to warn us about dangers, I thought I was going to get murdered". I mean...imagine being three and having those thoughts!! I think that kind of insight should give us pause, because it does direct us to how an unstable political climate can bleed its way into the personal life or people, of their families and children.

I do wonder what implications and impact the discussions between Bartie Sr and Godfrey have on the family, though. Because if most of the fandom is right about what those two were planning, I see Bertrand and Madeleine as the people who will correct the wrongs of their parents in their support of the Crown, much in the way Olivia was last book.

Kiara

Kiki's family is actually my favourite of the lot, and we can see how she developed her skills in an environment that was supportive, and vibrant with challenges and creative stimulation. It's clear that she is one of the few people who really thrived in her family environment. Nothing was really forced on her: learning languages, and mock-treaties, and diplomacy were all things she had an aptitude for, so she went for them. And I'm guessing given the speed at which the book had Hakim and Joelle accept Zeke's decision (which could be retconning for all we know, but I do think it doesn't jar with their characterization until that point)...had Zeke opened up to them earlier, they would have figured out a way without the MC or Penelope having to convince him to open up in the first place.

One thing that I loved about Kiara's family arc was that if the MC tried to sass her about whether "everything in your family is a negotiation", or tried to cast Kiara and her family into this bland, staid stereotype of "negotiators who have no personal connection as a family", Kiki would shut that nonsense down. Every single time. She would establish that these are things important and personal to the family, and make it clear that the MC is no one to judge how they interact as a family.

Hakim and Joelle are my favourite older couple in the series, honestly. We're told they met and fell in love in college, and that their political views align more with Liam's than they do with Constantine's. In fact Liam at one point even tells us that Joelle was "the kind of person King Fabian would have approved of", and she speaks the same language about how it isn't merely enough for the country to be safe - it needs to thrive as well.

Hakim and Joelle are very different people, and in her wedding advice Kiara tells us they "delight in their differences". This is especially apparent in a fail play, where Hakim plans to go to the wedding, and Joelle winds up going to Switzerland. There's plenty of banter between them beforehand about their different ways of thinking, but expressing the same delight.

If there is only one flaw, it's in the writers - because in their mad rush to make Kiara's trauma look like it didn't matter in Castelserraillian, everyone was made to look as if they didn't care...including her parents. Which is bizarre coz the entire reason Hakim was going to leave in the first place was the fact that his daughter suffered in that attack! They never let Joelle mention anything about what Kiara went through, up until the end where she asks us if we took care of Kiara during the tour (and we are the fucking lowlifes here who didn't put the effort to, so Kiara ends up having to lie through her teeth that we "had my back").

I do see Kiara having a particular idea of "strength" that she holds everyone up to, including herself. The whole reason she even agrees with us when we manipulate/emotionally blackmail her into coming for the wedding, is because she's ashamed of herself. She wants to handle her trauma the way she handled everything else, and finds it impossible. I don't see anything that proves this is something she picked up from her family, because even while diplomatic, Hakim is open about his feelings when upset (eg. Constantine) and Joelle is expressive as well. It probably might be more of something she has imbibed in court, and in the overall culture of Cordonia itself. But the fact that the writers made sure she had support from no one, not even her family, up until readers raised questions....that is bizarre, and pretty disgusting.

But other than that, the family is interesting for their political views, and their openmindedness, which is rare in the noble family dynamics we have seen so far.

Olivia

Besides her love for knives and weapons, Olivia's determination to make the Nevrakis name one to look up to...is her entire story arc. Her story revolves around doing the exact opposite of what her parents did, of what her aunt and Anton Severus wanted to do.

Olivia is the rare person in the books who is shown without her family at all, and that is because she lost hers at the age of five. Her aunt (great-aunt in Book 1, but they made Lucretia her mother's sister in Book 3) left her and hid in the French Riviera, insisting that "the Nevrakis heir shouldn't have needed me to hold her hand and wipe away her little tears". This is something Olivia is angry about, but accepts because she has equally high standards of her own resilience.

There is plenty in the culture of Lythikos that contributes to Olivia's character as well. These people pride in their ability to survive, their determination to power through the most challenging, exacting situations. They're a militaristic society, and Olivia takes to that mindset like a fish to water. She believes in self-reliance because it's a hard bitter lesson she has had to grow up with (though one must not discount the value of Liam as a support) and because it's part of her culture, and it's become so much a part of her thinking that when the MC insists to Lucretia that relying on friends and allies is not weakness, just common sense - Olivia is equal parts grateful and shocked by the logic of that statement. It has literally never occurred to her that she can voluntarily reach out for help!

Olivia grew up in circumstances no child should have to grow up in, and manages to embody the best of her culture in contrast to her family. She adopts her father's moniker "if you can breathe you can stand, if you can stand you can fight", but reinterprets it to mean she can fight for her beliefs, fight for more than just her family and duchy. She adopts all the good in the Nevrakis clan while working to obliterate the parts that can place her loved ones in danger.

Penelope

I've actually mentioned this before, but one of the best examples of "winging it" you can see from the books, is Penelope. The writing for her just bounces from one gaffe to another so that when you look at her overall story, nothing adds up. You have to literally stretch logic to connect the dots in her story! (I know, because I've tried).

In Book 1 she suffers from seasickness, but somehow in Book 3 she has grown up by the seaside and there is practically no mention of aforementioned seasickness. In Book 2 her family insist that she not return to court without a suitor (both her parents!) yet somehow in Book 3 when we actually meet her family you'd wonder how Landon would have allowed such things to be said to his daughter. There's a no-pets-allowed rule among the royals that Liam somehow changed when he became King, so how the hell did Penelope's parents think she was going to manage court without her emotional support animals? That too a social season and an entire world tour after that?? A lot about the writing for this family doesn't even make sense, and in some ways you can tell that the writers realized they hit a goldmine with the arc about Penelope's anxiety only when they published it, and then milked it for all it was worth (I know that sounds awful, and it is. But if they'd really, genuinely planned this properly, Penelope wouldn't appear so poorly developed as a character).

Landon and Emmeline are meant to serve as an inspiration to Drake, for their commitment to their people is something he wants to emulate (either as a Duke, or as someone who will do...something in court, I guess). The writing splits the major concerns between them: Emmeline is the Duchess who inherited this estate, and who will work through any condition or situation she is in to do her best for them. Emmeline particularly, seems to have a similar drive to power through - as Olivia, Regina and Madeleine show - the worst situations in the name of "stand up for Portavira".

Landon on the other hand, is more concerned about Penelope's well-being (not that Emmeline isn't, it's more like she doesn't fully understand how difficult it all is for Penelope), and reluctant to place her in situations where she is not comfortable (which is why the hints about them in Book 2 sound so jarring on rereads).

What stands out to me, especially in Penelope's characterization is how much coddling she has come to expect, from everyone. There is very little effort - or even inclination - to right her wrongs. Part of this is the writers seriously retconning the narrative on what Penelope did to the MC, so that NO ONE ever brings it up again. But it's partly also because, as I said, they were fully ready to commit to her story in a way they didn't for Kiara. Often I wonder what it would be like if Landon and Emmeline did get to know about Penelope's involvement. I think they'd focus their anger on the Crown for placing her in that situation in the first place, and going by this characterization they may also make Penelope out to be the victim in this situation (which isn't too far off the mark - but we also mustn't ignore how coddled Penelope is most of the time and how entitled she often sounds). But even this wouldn't be so bad if we saw Penelope take responsibility for her actions, which she never does in Book 3.

One thing I do remember from her "wedding advice" was how she spoke a lot about the need to relax in their relationship, and how in-tune they are as a couple. So in a lot of ways their success with their duchy lies in how they balance their work and family (which apparently Landon seems more comfortable doing? Because he doesn't keep as much pressure on himself for Portavira in the way Emmeline does).

Penelope's family honestly...is a mixed bag. But I can say that for the most part they're supposed to represent a supportive family that deals with a child's diagnosis of their mental health by providing support, and a couple that is dedicated to their people.

Madeleine

The characterization for Madeleine also bounces from one concept to another, tbh. They started out with writing her as merely power-hungry, manipulative, duplicitous....before retconning completely and putting all of this under the label "patriotic". There is a huge, huge disconnect between the Madeleine that rejoiced in almost breaking her lady-in-waiting, and the one who places too much pressure on herself "for the sake of Cordonia". A North Pole to South Pole sized gap, really.

If it weren't for the fact that they wrote her family storyline only because they were really that desperate to make us sympathize with Madeleine, I would have found it interesting. The seeds of it begin in the second half of Book 2, when we notice Adeleide worrying about the pressure becoming Queen is going to place on Madeleine.

In Book 3, we're faced with her father who constantly dubs her a failure and doesn't see her as worthy of attention unless he can benefit from it. And with her mother, who wants to show her support, but can't in a way her daughter is comfortable with. There is a constant emphasis in Madeleine's storyline on expectations, dealing with constant failure, and resilience. She doesn't have the kind of support system she wants from either of her parents, so she has to find her own way to make lemonade out of those lemons. So each time she has to convince herself that each failure is only another step towards the biggest success possible (marrying into the royal family), and when she is robbed of that, twice, she is left having nothing else to muster up the motivation for. Which is why, then, they promote the Cordonia angle so aggressively.

Only problem is, you don't exactly get this impression from Book 2. A person with Book 3 Madeleine's bent of mind, whose main aim was to do her best for Cordonia and who spoke of the importance of an entourage...wouldn't be so short sighted as to think that just because she was engaged she won everything, esp when her last fiancé fell in love and broke off his engagement to her as well. She wouldn't be so careless in her treatment of her own ladies-in-waiting, all of whom (except Hana, and even her family has immense influence even though her mother is from a minor noble house) are from powerful Houses and families, whose support she would need in the future.

Even if one brushes off her bullying of Hana and Penelope as no big deal (as I'm very sure some of her fans do), the fact remains that at the very least such behaviour is short-sighted and in a better story would reveal that she doesn't exactly have Cordonia's best interests in mind after all, if she jumps at the slightest excuse to burn bridges with these powerful families before she even becomes Queen.

In any case...Madeleine's family ranks as one of the messiest of the lot - her father is uninterested/feigns disinterest in the country unless it involves being involved in some elaborate plot against the monarchy, and her mother shows disinterest in her duchy overall, but is clearly invested in what makes her daughter happy. Her mother is supportive, just not in the way Madeleine wants support.

Regina also hails from Krona, and Madeleine is in some ways a reflection of her values and beliefs - which is why the two get along so well. So even though Adeleide is the Duchess of Krona, I'm pretty sure she's an anomaly in a family full of women who practice stoicism and diplomacy in their regular lives.

Hana

This note is going to be small, because as I explained earlier she was brought up in a completely different environment. Hana was brought up in a manner meant to make her flexible to whichever family she would marry into - so she learns different styles of horse riding, learns diplomacy over a toy tea set, is expected to know all the 26 important dance varieties in Cordonia by the time she is an adult, grows up learning about the countries neighbouring Cordonia as well. I have a whole other essay that speaks about her upbringing alone, so I won't speak much about that here, but you definitely get the feeling that her parents spent so much time trying to cultivate an asset for themselves that they rarely ever stopped to think about her as a person.

--

The overall impression I do get from modern Cordonian nobility in the books (not just from these guys, but also interactions with other nobles like Rashad and Neville, and palace staff like Bastien) is that Cordonia is a culturally diverse place, and people in different estates have different dynamics that are influenced by their family situation and by the culture they were born into, but overall there is more of an inclination to show resilience and power, than to confess to weakness. Which makes sense, because many of them are public figures under immense scrutiny, who are aware of the kind of message they could send if they show the slightest signs of weakness. That's my overall impression of this.

I hope you enjoyed that, CL anon! Now I'm curious about what the next question is 😀

#long post #the royal romance #king liam #maxwell beaumont #trr kiara #trr penelope #trr madeleine #olivia nevrakis #courtly ladies anon #ask me #ask lizzy

[enchantingkittengaditor]

The Fae | 1. Fæ

POV: Simone

“Fae. They’re sprinkled within our myths throughout history all over the world. No one past the age of 7 believes they’re real, we, as a society, beat it out of them. We beat out creativity. Fun. The love of life. Joy. We beat all of this out and then wonder why the world has such high rates of teenage, and general, suicide and mental illness.

“The only place we accept the fae existing is in stories for children, if not maybe the rare work of fiction for those of us over the age of 11. But that’s all they’re ever deemed fiction. But what happens when fiction becomes fact. What then? Just like with dragons. For centuries people believed in dragons and then we found out they were real, with the discovery of dinosaurs. Maybe not in the sense that we all think of when we hear the word ‘Dragon’ but real none-the-less.

“So I ask you to think within yourself: When does fiction and fact meet? When does fiction become fact? At what point do we stop believing in the Multiverse theory? At what point do we say that people can’t dream? I ask you: Why? Why that point you are thinking of in your head and not after? Or before? So, I leave you with this. Why can’t fairies be real if aliens fell from above onto New York? Why can’t they be real if gods are?

“Thank you,” The blonde girl says with a sigh taking her seat next to her two debating teammates waiting for the final rebuttal from the other team.

“Thank you, Ms Chan you may take the mic now,” said one of the judges. They’d made it into the regional finals for debating and the topic was fairies and they had to debate that they could exist.

I could see her mind was alight with all the swirling anxiety-ridden thoughts that one could imagine a socially anxious teenager would feel while on a stage being stared at by over 500 people after she just insisted that Fairies were real for 3 minutes with a straight face.

It’s not that she didn’t believe in fairies, she not sure about there existence as a whole, but the fact was, they were obviously given the harder side of this debate so that the trophy could stay with the judges rich, private school favourites. They were the first team from a public school to make it to regionals in 16 years and they’d been at a disadvantage from the beginning. In the first round, they’d had to debate the previous winners for 5 years in a row in each of the divisions they were in. Then they’d been given 50 minutes warning of what our topic was for the second round, ‘Why the impeachment of Ronald Reagen should have happened earlier.’, not something you can find legitimate facts for in 50 minutes. Then in the quarterfinals, they had less time than the other team to speak and prove our point. Then in the semis, they had come face to face with one of the judges daughters. Then finally they had to convince the judges of the existence of fairies and convince 5 fully grown men that they had the better argument.

Which they did, obviously, they could evoke the childhood dreams of the judges of when they dreamed anything was possible, hell they could even use the Avengers as to why they were right. Kim, Stephanie and Tegan are the best debaters at the school, they’ve beaten every team at least twice, but nobody thought they could beat any of the teams they were up against. And thus far they’d proven them wrong. And I’m hoping they can keep that streak going.

“Thank you, girls, we’ll take a break and decide the winner. Until then please can you go backstage and relax,” our physics teacher, Mr Johnson who’d stood in for one of the judges, stated looking our team straight in the eye. I mean to anyone else having their teacher as a judge would be beneficial but not when your teacher hates the guts of children born after the new millennium, even his own daughter Scarlett.

POV: Tegan

With a resigned sigh, we stood from our seats on the stage and walked towards the curtain smiling at our friends who’d stayed backstage to comfort us after what they thought would be a swift victory from the other side. But instead turned out to be a fight to the death of wits, brainpower and speech ability, which was our team’s weakness. All three of us have stage fright and I have severe social anxiety, which does not help in debate unless you want to lose.

“So you did better than anyone expected. Which means celebratory lunch at Main Street,” Mali said ver happy, still with her nose in ‘Magic: It’s Real & I Know How To Find It’, the newest book in her collection of magic hunting books.

“However fun that sounds I have to work a shift at the comic book store after this,” I state not wanting to give up on my free time with friends especially when it offered Main Street fries and dairy-free milkshakes.

“Simple, bring Simone and meet us for dinner after your shift,” Stephanie said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, which I guess for some people it would be.

“OK. But my aunt Nat’s picking me up at 9 so I have to be back by then or give her a good enough lie to get her to pick me up from Main Street.”

“Tell her you’re out with friends and she’ll be proud of you and do it in a heartbeat.”

“You very clearly don’t know my aunt Nat. But I’ll try.”

As soon as I uttered those words I felt the chill that so often crept up my spine before one of my visions and vomiting attacks. So, as per usual, I rushed to the nearest bathroom and pounded on the door, hoping to be let in by whatever unfortunate soul happened to be in there at this point in time. Thankfully they got out in time for me to make it to the loo before I puked.

This time the vision came after the vomit. A vision of 4 girls faces, all of which were beautiful and one was strangely familiar. They were facing off against another 4 girls who were equally as stunning but they seemed… I don’t know a little bit, evil perhaps. To tell you the truth that’s why I had to go with my aunt Nat for the rest of the holidays before school started again. She was getting one of her friends to look at my brain and asses what kept happening to me, and Simone. But I didn’t want my friends to know that. All they had to know was I was going to New York for a week with my aunt and a friend. That is until they give it a diagnosis and I had to have more and more tests run, that’s when they can find out about what’s wrong with me. When I know too.

But until that day comes I have to pretend that this is just nerves and not what it actually is, a mystery. I was hoping that my aunt Nat had actually got someone who’d know something this time and not just another person who knew nothing about what this could be. So, once I’d composed myself and was mentally prepared to go back out there I texted Nat that she should pick me up at Main Street rather than my house and told mum where I was going after the competition was over.

I hope that my life wouldn’t get worse and that the voices in my head would stop. Because they had for a bit and then they started again and that was not fun because those voices are telling me things that no one should ever hear especially not when that person has been trying. Trying to improve. Trying not to give in. Trying not to give up. Trying to live before it’s too late to do even that.

Without life. you can’t live and living is what life is all about and I want to live my life to the fullest before it ends. However, that may happen.

POV: Maya

“I don’t get why we have to come to this hell hole of a dimension,” Marketa, one of my new roommates at Alfea asked me as we stood on the bus that was going to take us to the seaside town my best friend lived in with her mother, sister and cats. I was hoping to see her before both of our lives got to insane with our individual school lives. And before I had to make my choice. The choice that would turn my world upside down no matter which option I chose.

“We came because I have to say goodbye to my best friend and Lachie needed an escape from Magix after his very messy breakup. And you guys get to see some of the hatred towards Emma’s dad. Also, you signed up for new experiences this year and that’s what you’re gonna get with me,” I say in response to Marketa and Estelle’s comments and complaints that we were all sick of hearing at this point in our journey.

“I didn’t need to be dragged to a different dimension to meet your friend who after Tuesday your never going to be able to see again unless she somehow turns out to be magic.”

“I don’t know if she’s magic or not but she does have 3 terrifying godmothers. And a cat she calls a demon, but otherwise, she’s totally normal.”

“She sounds like Lachie’s ex,” Estelle stated, causing all of us to burst out in laughter shocking the majority of other passengers on the bus.

“If given half a chance I think she to would attempt to murder Estelle and she would definitely break your heart too. She has a saying that goes ‘emotions can’t hurt you if you don’t have them,’ so maybe she is a bit like Kacey after all,” I say in realization that my friend may be destined to become a witch if she was magical, or at least her powers would be that of a dark fairy.

So instead of answering any more of their questions, I pushed the button on the bus letting the driver know that we wanted to get off at the next stop. Once the bus had stopped I walked off of it, my feet hitting the sidewalk with a thud but not as much as the others who weren’t accustomed to as much gravity as there was on earth, used to instead only the 8.9 newtons of gravity in Magix.

“Oww!” they all screamed pretty much in sync when their feet thudded on to the pavement while Emma and I laughed at them us ourselves forgetting about the difference in gravity between the two dimensions.

That was when the difficult bit began. I knew she’d been competing in a debating competition and then had to go to work but by now I also knew her shift had ended. So where would she go? Pulling out my phone I decided to check who won the competition, knowing she’d either go home to cry or go out for victory food depending on the outcome.

Victory food it was. So I told my travel companions, “I hope you’re hungry for some human food.”

After some groans from the group, I started leading them towards Main Street, a diner I knew my best friend loved after she took me there when I last visited her.

Upon arriving at the diner I could see Tegan sitting in a corner booth surrounded by people, whom I assumed were friends. So naturally, I, her best friend, walked into the diner and attempted to sneak up on her so that I could surprise her. Though I was called out by Emma.

“Maya, they're here.”

“Maya?”

Simultaneously my two worlds came crashing down, all with four words. On one hand, I had to go and help my friends stop the crazy witches that had followed us here from Magix for Marketa’s ring. On the other, my best friend in the entire universe had just noticed me and wanted answers as to why I was here and several other questions I imagine were swirling through her mind. I had to choose, yet again, between my worlds.

POV: Emma

I muttered the words none of us wanted to say or hear in that moment in the diner on that cold day, “Maya, they’re here.”

Those words shattered her world and mine because it wasn’t who she thought but it was worse. Much worse. It may not have been the four witches that we knew from Magix but it was someone I wasn’t happy to see. My uncle and his teammates.

As they walked into the diner I attempted to hide behind Marketa who was confused as to what I was doing and just kept moving saying we should see what they want. Hiding behind Estelle & Lachie wasn’t any easier as they kept turning to look at Maya’s friend who looked incredibly fed up.

“Emma?”

“Maya?”

“Tegan?”

Our three names pierced the silent diner like a bullet and a body, each one said by a different person. Mine, my uncle. Maya’s, Tony. Tegan’s, Natasha. But of course, my friends had no idea what was going on and became even more confused than before.

“Why do they know your names?” Lachie asked looking between the two of us before making eye contact with Tegan and quickly looking away.

“Aunt Nat,” The blonde Maya had approached, so I’m guessing is Tegan, said running up to her aunt(?) and giving her a hug. Before turning to Tony, slapping him and then giving him a hug, and then giving my uncle a hug.

“Emma?” Thor questioned yet again this time with more pain in his voice, “We thought you died, you and your mother. How-How are you here?”

Then Estelle piped up, “The better question is why are we here?”

“Home.”

That was all I had to say for the three of them to seem to get it. At this point, the rest of the diner had gotten back to what they’d been doing before the Avengers showed up.

“Well, we came to pick up Tegan and Simone. We do need to go girls, and you five are welcome to join us. Also Kim, Stephanie you were wrong that doesn’t work, I tried it,” Natasha said with a smirk before grabbing one of the suitcases next to the booth while Tony grabbed the other.

“Will my father be there?” With those words, I stopped the chatter from my friends, they know I don’t talk about my father unless I absolutely have to. It’s not a topic I bring up lightly, I almost never talk about my early childhood up until me and my mother went back to her home in Magix, where I first met Estelle and Marketa.

“No, he… he died,” I could see the pain in my uncle’s eyes while he said that. He always loved my father no matter how many bad things he did my uncle would always help him if he needed it and accepted it.

“OK,” I said in a quiet voice not quite believing my father was dead not before I could say goodbye. Not after all the times he’d ‘died’ before.

As Tegan and Simone said their goodbyes to their friends promising to text them, me and my friends walked out of the diner towards the fancy van that was parked outside, led by my uncle and Tony who were discussing something to do with a person called Steve and my uncle’s hammer. Though I didn’t hear much of their conversation over the sound of my own thoughts and the constant complaints and questions from my friends.

By the time we had reached wherever we were going Estelle had fallen asleep on my lap, Marketa was asleep on my shoulder and I was playing a game called ‘Cards Against Humanity’ with the other awake teenagers while Tony sat in the front laughing at us and our weird suggestions.

The game had been going on for a while as had the staring out the window my uncle was doing. He seemed truly heartbroken by the fact my uncle had died, which to me begged the questions: How long have I been gone? Along with: How long ago did he die?

My answer was recently, recently enough for him seeing me to bring all of it back up.

POV: Estelle

A few hours earlier…

“So how do we play this game?” Lachie asked as Tegan & Simone set out the cards for the ridiculous game that the man in the weird glasses had insisted we played, most likely for his entertainment only.

After explaining the basic rule & premise of the game we began playing the game coming up with some weird answers, with Maya’s friend not understanding our humour and us hers. Then everything went black.

I don’t know if I passed out of exhaustion or if it was something else but my head was full of visions of a world at war. A war that I was not winning, either me or the side of fairies. And the guy of my dreams was dead at my feet, his cold lifeless eyes staring back at me while my friends fight villains around me. The one person I didn’t recognize was a pale blonde haired with green eyes who was fighting alongside us and attempting to communicate with Tegan in a language I didn’t understand. The whole scene was a mess. In the middle of the battlefield lay the bodies of my family. Before I could make out much more of the scene I was riped out of my dream by Emma. All she did was quietly mumble something in her sleep.

It was at this point that I looked around the rest of the car I noticed that only Tegan and Simone were awake talking to Natasha who was driving at this point. At some point, they’re going to find out about fairies and Magix because Maya will slip up and out fairies to them. Maya always slips up and it’s great.

Looking out the window I decided I’d have a look at what made Maya think this place was so great, only to see that we were not on any road but the sky over an ocean. I thought this dimension was alluded of magic? How are we flying without magic and with there increased gravity? It makes no sense.

It was at that moment, of course, Marketa’s phone started to ring. Deciding against letting it annoy everyone I picked it out of her pocket and answered it. Not surprised at all when Harry appeared on the hologram, although it did startle Tegan and Simone who before had no clue that I had awoken from my slumber. But I continued the call just staring at him until he started speaking.

“Where are you two? Your father is having a fit and is threatening your uncle to threaten other nations at war. And all I can do is sit here and watch,” Harry, Marketa’s cousin, yelled at me which got a few odd looks from the three other beings that were awake.

I sighed before I responded knowing that Harry loved it when we did something wrong because he could be the golden boy for a few moments, “Earth, Maya wanted to say goodbye to her friend before the school year and you know the thing. But we have Lachie to protect us, and Emma’s uncle,” I attempted to defend our decision to come with Maya by making my uncle and father who were most likely eavesdropping feel as though we were safe.

“It’s OK, I’ll tell them you went out shopping.”

“Thank you, Harry,” I said knowing he wouldn’t tell them that but also knowing we now had to explain why I said Earth to the people in this car. And knowing I couldn’t do that by myself I elbowed Emma & Marketa in an attempt to get some help explaining what the hell I meant. Then kicking Maya because she knew the best how to explain things to humans, well at least better than the rest of us.

“Can you please elaborate on what you said on the phone because if your alien we have to turn you in, and if it was a joke we need to know that too,” Tegan said to me causing Lachie to also wake up.

“When we land?” I asked hoping I could buy more time for my friends to gather their wits and for me to not be thrown off a moving plane.

POV: Marketa

“So let me get this right. Fairies exist and live in a parallel dimension, they can travel between the two dimensions because they have advanced technology that allows them to do so. Only women and girls are fairies, while men are only carriers but some men go to a school to become a thing called ‘Specialists’ or they can go to a different school and become warlocks but they can’t do both. There is also a school for witches and witches are fairies who’ve disowned the good side and cut off their wings. And you think the reason my goddaughter is a fairy because of her visions. You also each have one area from which all of your magic comes from. Did I miss anything?” The redhead asked. I hadn’t bothered to remember their names as I didn’t see the point when I most likely would never see them again.

“No, actually you didn’t. How did you do that?” Estelle asked.

“But why do you think that I may be a fairy?” The blonde that Maya hung out with asked.

I responded slightly annoyed that she hadn’t picked it up. “Because you remember things that no one else does about the world, facts that have been erased from history, yet you can’t remember half your own childhood.”

“Yeah but you have to remember I also had epilepsy so the memory loss thing comes from that. As for remembering facts, I have a Nat as a godmother and she knows things. Things that she should not teach her goddaughter, especially at the age she did but she’s been teaching me these facts my whole life and most of them have been erased.”

“You don’t get it the ring your wearing also shows us your a fairy, because it’s the ring of the forgotten. It matches the ring of memory which someone gave to Lachie because of some prophecy before he gave it to his psychotic ex who now wants to get her paws on both of our rings so she can rule the universe with her girlfriends. So the best thing right now is for you to believe us and come with us so we can teach you how to control your powers before you go and do what you did to Estelle’s cousin Stella and her friends again,” I almost yelled annoyed with the simplicity of human minds already.

“No.” This time it was the brunette man that spoke on behalf of the two ‘human’ girls in front of me. “They’re not going anywhere with you without us, their parents left us in charge of them. So I’ll say it again. They’re not going anywhere without us.”

“Try me, old man,” Estelle said being held back by Lachie as she attempted to intimidate the man before us.

“It’s impossible,” The other brunette man spoke up walking to the front of the room. “We’ve studied their DNA extensively and theirs no evidence of any mutation of note. Sure they both have some mutations but that’s to be expected.”

“Wasn’t their one you two weren’t sure about?” This time it was the black-haired girl who was glued to Maya’s friend’s other side.

“Yes, but it only appeared once so it wasn’t enough to form a gene so we disregarded it. But you can’t disregard anything, not in this world.”

“Well, you can come but I don’t know if you’ll get into the school grounds, only people with magic in their blood can get through them,” Emma said as she returned from talking to her uncle with a mediator who apparently knew all about this because of his wife.

“We can try and that’s what we do,” The redhead spoke up again.

“It’s your funeral.”

“OK, Marketa, Estelle, you may not like this realm but the least you can do is respect the people in it, they do their best and sure that may not be great but it’s the best they can do in their own situations and these people are just trying to protect their own and do the job they’re meant to so these two don’t get hurt. So just stop being such bitches to them,” Maya snapped at us.

#fae #faries #faerie #the fae #winx club #natasha romanoff #tony #thor #winx bloom #winx stella #winx flora #winx tecna #winx aisha #winx musa #winx trix #winx valtor #jake gylenhall #sabrina carpenter #dove cameron

[moved99999999999]

U guys wanna know what I think about that hell hotel show

I feel like twitter’s very tired of seeing ppl talk about Hazbin Hotel, so I putting my opinions on tumblr where they belong. I’m not a “professional critic” by any means, but I’ll try my best given what I know. And don’t worry, I’ll be incredibly nit-picky to suit the internet’s needs.

I’m gonna mainly focus on HH itself instead of Vivzie’s accusations because that's a WHOLE other can of worms to open.

During the time of me writing this, I haven’t watched any YT reviews, but I’ve read a few threads criticising the show, so take that as my social influence bias.

My ted talk is allllll below the cut. Enjoy~

Context: 

My first exposure of Vivzie’s work was her “Die Young” animation that I came across around 2016. Instantly I fell in love with how “smooth” and lively her animation was, and especially the fact that it was hand drawn. Animation like that was extremely rare to come by (and still is) and seeing her execute it so well with such complexed characters was amazing to my fetus self. 

A few years later and I see the first trailer for HH. I instantly went OH I RECOGNISE THAT STYLE AND THOSE CHARACTER TYPE DESIGNS and was looking forward to what it had to offer. 

On “opening day” I watched the pilot ASAP to avoid my opinions from getting warped by all of the key-mash memes and post call-out bitching (literally the extremes of the HH opinion spectrum), and overall.....

I thought it was good. 

Not ground breakingly amazing, not horrifically terrible, but charmingly good.

(Ok now it’s actual review time)

Animation Quality:

As a hand drawn animation that has the freedom to get creative with its shots, a lot of effort was clearly put into how everything moves (it definitely didn’t take any lazy flash puppet shortcuts for the main sections of the show) and I can appreciate that. However it tends to be... rather inconsistent, most likely due to the varying skill level of the animators on the project. It’ll be nice and smooth one minute, and then awkward and choppy the next which can make the viewing pretty confusing at times. I’ll be honest I found myself overlooking these inconsistencies due to the characters and backgrounds themselves being very visually engaging, especially considering how over designed some of them can be (which I applaud the team for handling cuz wow that must have been painful). However, the needle thin and exaggerated art style makes some things incredibly hard to look at. While it helps with adding fancy details, it hurts in catching peoples eyes in the right place.

It’s also chalk full of little details, visual gags, and references that are hilarious to look at if you have the luxury of pausing every two seconds (the news segment and Sir Pentious turf war w/ Angel and Cherri are good places to look). But I feel like these lil details were put in at the cost of some some continuity errors (Charlie not wearing her coat in one shot, and having it back on in the next, papers being blank, etc.) and lip-syncing issues which really shouldn’t be happening considering all of the detail they were able to put in. There are also some shots that have just SO MUCH detail put into them, only to be shown for less than a second. I get that’s the cost of animation sometimes, but save the detail for the shots that need it, because at that point you’re just causing the animators to waste their efforts.

However, I was surprised at how professional the soundtrack and editing was. Not one but THREE songs in this single episode was really surprising, and the variation and quality of each was great (as cringy as Charlie’s song is)

But overall, the production quality is surprisingly good for a project like this, the editing, sound effects, and sound track act like a cherry on top. Of course there are some noticeable drops in quality, but given time and a budget, it has enough chops to look like an actual show.

Writing: 

As far as overarching plot goes, it seems like it’s going to be one of those procedural shows that tries to be serialised, but it’s a creative twist on hell and has an interesting premise to begin with. You can get really creative with seeing how you’d dive into getting redemption out of all of these seemingly lost causes, and I’m sure there are many people willing to know the backstories our main cast. As a pilot, it did it’s job of launching the plot very well, setting up the premise of the hotel and introducing characters in a very engaging way. I was legit really interested in each segment with who in introduced, and it didn’t feel like I was being overloaded with names to remember (which can be a problem for many medias and introductions). The cohesion between each scene is VERY smooth, and I genuinely enjoyed some of the cliché cuts/gags. 

Unfortunately I can’t extend this interest to our main character. Charlie is one of the most generic tropes we’ve ever seen. She’s a boring Disney princess who has a “cute happy positive goal to change her world” and the only thing that would make her more generic is if she wore a dress and cried “I’m tired of being so privileged”. 

(Although it’s impossible to tell, I honestly think Viv is just projecting through her, especially considering how horrifically accurate the hotel’s opening mirrors the internet’s reaction to the pilot itself)

I would be more forgiving if she was a supporting character or someone less important, but she’s the freaking protagonist, arguably the character that has to be the most interesting. Angel’s personality seems to be “flirty porn star”, and while that’s just as bad as being a boring Disney princess, at least he gets a few jokes and has a profession more interesting than Charlie’s. Around the end of the pilot he just seems like he’s getting involved because Viv likes giving him attention. If he’s supposed to be leeching off of the hotel, wouldn’t not care if it survives or not?

(There’s that whole stereotype issue that everyone keeps bringing up, but I genuinely think that’s BS because people are blatantly ignoring the fact that Angel is a porn star, Vaggie is portrayed as helpful, and that the show takes place in H E double hokey sticks.)

The transitions may be smooth, but the dialogue pacing can get really awkward at times. This paired with the animation sometimes having awkward quality drops makes some movements incredibly jagged, and has some detailed shots show for incredibly unbalanced screen time as mentioned before. 

I don’t have enough to give voice acting it’s own section so I’m just popping it down here:

The voice acting is legitimately better than several big name projects I know. It’s consistent, great at expressing the character’s mood properly, and each voice fits each character perfectly. My only gripes are that Alastor and Sir Pentious tend to grain on you after awhile due to them keeping a single tone for too long. 

Character Design: AKA the only thing I have legitimate experience with.

First thing’s first. The characters are WAY too over designed. There are so many markings and accessories that are incredibly unnecessary. I think the mindset for these characters was “the more complicated and attractive the better”, which makes them look like they’re designed by an edgy tumblr artist (heck I fall for this too some times).

Especially if a character is going to be animated, you have to keep in mind the value of simplicity. You absolutely don’t have to fill in your character with markings and trinkets to make them look unique, I mean just look at the gen 1 pokemon starters. Thanks to the limitations of the game, the sprites were forced to be simple, and it was that simplicity that made them such unique and varied creatures. You can tell Blastoise is a bulky water blasting turtle just with a quick glance. 

Many of the characters suffer from over complication, but I’ll look at Husk for example. He has these stripes all over him that do not contribute to who he’s supposed to be at all, and only look like they’re added to make him more unique. The markings that DO help are the little card suite marks on his wings, because those at least infer he’s linked to a casino/gambling type of theme. I would say his outfit helps as well, but formal wear and bowties are worn way to often by the main characters, which brings me to another problem.

They may look different, but they feel way too similar. From the same skinny body type, to generic head shapes, to outfits, the focus characters just don’t stand out amongst each other. Even the ones with interesting features still suffer from feeling generic. I’d say Sir Pentious is a good example of this. He has a serpentine/naga body and clever hair style that make his concept really creative, but his skinny body type, complicated eyes all over his tail, and generic “young but supposed to be at least middle aged” face just push him back into obscurity. He’s even wearing the SAME outfit as Alastor (who's an even worse offender of that generic face problem), and unless Viv has some plan to link the two, I’d say the characters need to stop using a dress code.

A successful character design can to tell you who the character is just by looking at them. You should be able to tell if a character’s personality, function, age, the universe they belong in, and if they’re important or not, and that’s a big problem when it comes to the background characters. If you pause on one of the extras for a minute you can see all of the effort put into designing them, and that takes away so much attention from the main cast. Not only that, but they have actual variations in their body types and outfits, which makes them more intriguing than who we’re supposed to be interested in.

Regardless, this pilot has potential, and if they can get someone to comb out the flaws, you can end up with something good. No one can deny a legitimate animation was made here, and the team successfully executed the start of a story, and that’s something anyone can look up to.

TLDR: The pilot is good. It has some major flaws, but it has potential to be a good show.

If you actually read this far epstein didn’t kill himself.

#I'm only doing this cuz i wanna draw angel dust and i feel like I have to justify myself before ppl start calling me mean things #Fan art is coming ;) #hazbin hotel #HH is good yall just have a mob mentality #critique