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prototypesteve · 4 months

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1994. A little story about my asexuality being misinterpreted (by a professional) as a disorder, and how that led to years of trouble.

Animation Description: An aromatic-asexual sense pride flag, onto which someone writes "So the thing is… I don't think I've ever had what my friends say would qualify as a real crush, and even after four years of college I still haven't started dating, but maybe the weirdest part is that I've never wanted to." Then, abruptly and violently black paint is spattered across the message and in white text someone superimposes the dismissive message "It's just low self esteem! – Expert opinion"

In 1994, I went to see a counsellor.

What happened was some friends and I were just talking about life. We were all in our early 20s, and so of course sex came up, and I confided that no, I hadn’t had it yet. In fact, I hadn’t even been on anything that would qualify as a date, yet.

I’ve always had good luck with friends. Instead of teasing me about it, one of them gave me the name of a counselling clinic, because they thought it might be worth checking that everything was okay, and there wasn’t something getting in the way. (It was the 1990s, and Generation X didn’t have taboos about getting help.) So I made an appointment.

I described what we’d now call textbook aromantic asexuality. I explained that I was 22, and hadn’t yet been in a relationship. I hadn’t even had anything like a crush. I hadn’t experimented; no kisses on a dare. I had pretty good friendships with guys and girls, but nothing closer than friendship. I felt “behind schedule,” especially because my friends all found it odd that I was still inexperienced.

The counsellor gently asked if I felt it was because I wasn’t allowed to be “experienced”. They noted that I referred to everything euphemistically. Experienced. Relationship. Spark. Feelings. Dating. I never said love, sex, aroused, boyfriend, or girlfriend. I never said romance. Was it because my parents had some strict taboos around seeing girls while I was just fresh out of college, when I should be focused on my career? (I’m half Japanese so that was plausible.) Was it because I felt I wasn’t allowed to love the people I felt attracted to, because I might have been gay or bisexual and hiding that? (Also a fair question, because, sadly, the 90s still weren’t a safe or fair time for my gay and lesbian friends—I didn’t know that I knew any bi or trans people at the time, although I’m sure I did.)

I thought about it. The honest answers were no. My family didn’t make me feel like dating was inappropriate or wasteful, and I just didn’t feel anything “special” for any of my guy friends (and I had guy friends who were comfortable telling me they were gay).

I went on. I explained that I felt happy. I didn’t see any obvious signs of depression or illness or anything. All I felt was a little embarrassed about being so far behind all my friends. Not dating, not “feeling the spark”, not having a “type,” and not having any thoughts on a future family all made me feel immature, and like maybe I had some kind of developmental thing going on. I knew what all those things were. I wasn’t some sheltered or repressed prude. I just wasn’t doing any of that stuff. Not even the perfectly innocent stuff like having a crush, or even really having a “type.”

But it was 1994 and counsellors didn’t have asexual or aromantic on their list of things it might be. So the best the counsellor could guess was that I just didn’t feel good about myself. It must have been low self esteem. (The early 90s still reeked of the yuppie success-or-die greedhead era.) Their guess was that I might have felt my sexuality was something I didn’t feel I had earned the right to access yet, evidenced by my using euphemisms to describe love, romance, and sexuality.

They suggested I read “Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy” by David Burns, and not worry, because some people are just late bloomers.

And I left there, redirected away from a truth that neither of us knew about. And it would be nearly thirty years before I “reopened the case”, and asked the same questions and got a better answer: Some people experience little to no sexual or romantic attraction. They aren’t necessarily repulsed by sex, or driven away by trauma. They might even have perfectly natural responses to sexual stimuli either alone or with others, but they just don’t feel “I want that, and I want it with this specific person, or this specific sort of person”. They call those people aromantic and/or asexual, based on a presumption that romantic and sexual attraction can sometimes be experienced independently.

I learned that in 2022.

I needed to know that in 1994.

I know I’ll gradually get over that. But yeah. I feel a lot of things about it. Some of them are bad things. But what I’m going to choose to feel about it is grateful that the person who needed answers in 1994 made it to my answers in 2022, and didn’t fall apart in 2022 when I found those answers.

I didn’t let that lost time break me. I didn’t let the mistakes I made crush me. I didn’t find anyone to blame. (That counsellor in 1994 wasn’t hiding anything from me. The world just didn’t talk about people off the Kinsey Scale.) I didn’t let it derail my faith. Asexuality isn’t a curse, and our confusion and fear about the gift of being different like this isn’t the Gift-Giver’s fault.

I’m just going to keep moving. With answers. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.

#aroace #asexual #aromantic #questioning #aromantic asexual #aspec #asexuality

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assorted-candy · 7 months

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20 Q's for Fic Writers

I got tagged by @dp-marvel94! Thank you!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

I've just posted my 22nd work a few days ago!

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

37,763

3. What fandoms do you write for?

So far, all my published fics are for Danny Phantom. It's a fandom that's near and dear to my heart and my favorite to write for. I've written fanfiction for myself in a lot of different fandoms over the years. Miraculous Ladybug, Mega Man (Star Force, Battle Network) and Fire Emblem are a few. (Will these ever see the light of day? Probs not, lol)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 5. Frayed Ends - 37 kudos - Jazz and Maddie are fighting more often. Jack wants to reach out and help his family. 4. The Same Blood - 45 kudos - Maddie and Jack try to help a sick girl that collapsed in front of their house. They don't know what to make of her condition. Danny wants to help.

3. Returned Home - 49 kudos - Maddie finds Danny at home after he disappeared ten months ago.

2. The Broken Pieces Left Behind - 66 kudos (tie) - Maddie knew what the portal did to Danny. If she could create something that essentially turned him into a ghost, she could figure out a way to fix all of it. Even if she hasn't made any progress in the past two months, she'll keep trying. She didn't account for what Danny wanted. 1 . What's Out of Out Control - 66 kudos (tie) - Danny thought he had it under control. He thought he could finally hang out like they used to always do. Tucker could feel the rift between them widening. It wasn't getting smaller anytime soon.

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to! There were a few comments from my two earlier fics that I never responded to and it's already been so long and I feel like I ended up putting it off too long to say anything now 😓But I'm so so thankful for all the comments I receive! I never thought anyone would read my work, let alone comment on it. I'm always between two modes of 'author commentary' and 'screaming thank you and running away'.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Lol, I love my angsty stuff and there are so many different flavors of angst, so it's hard to pick just one. I'd say the piece I aimed to write for Angst Fest, The Broken Pieces Left Behind, might be it. It ends on a rather hopeless note for the Fenton family that even I don't know how to make everything better for them

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably Home for a Cat. It was for a Ectoberhaunt prompt that I was absolutely stumped on. So I decided someone was going to adopt a cat by the end of the fic.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Ahh, so I actually posted a fic on FFN wayyy back when I was in high school. I remember it being received pretty well but I got a really rude comment on a simple spelling mistake. Back then, I was just told I had dyslexia a few years prior and I had some really bad self-esteem issues tied in with that. So, yeah, that comment basically made me terrified to ever show my work to anyone ever.

It's been over ten years since then and I wanted to actually get over that fear. I impulsively decided to do Angst Fest with the mindset that no one would even look at what I posted. Not only did people look, everyone has been so kind!!!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

lkdajldkf, nope. I get flustered trying to write basic romance and having two characters hold hands, lmao. Major props to those that can, it's definitely a skill that takes time to master just like any other genre.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I haven't.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Also haven't had this either.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope, but it seems like a lot of fun.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Back when the show was airing, Amethyst Ocean (Danny/Sam) was my go to. I'm a sucker for friends to lovers tropes and it's really nostalgic for me. But, I don't really read a lot of shippy things for Danny Phantom, so ships don't make or break a fic for me.

If I'm looking to read romance, the whole Love Square (MariChat my beloved) with Miraculous Ladybug will always be great. Even if I jumped ship on the show around season 2 or 3 and I have no clue what they're doing now, lol.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I honestly have so many WIPs that are unfinished on my computer from over the years. Maybe a super old one that I titled 'Phantoms in the Daylight'. Angst once more with Character Death as the main pain point. I like the beginning but oh boy, does it get sloppy and confusing real quick. I'd need serious outlining energy put into it if I'd ever want to salvage it and I just don't have it in me.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue! Give me two blorbos and I'll make them talk forever.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Scenery and description. I love the dialogue portion so much that I end up running into the floating heads in an empty room problem in the first drafts of my fics. My first round of edits are dedicated to making sure I have a scene and grounding characters into it. And then I have to go back later to make it not feel so robotic sounding.

(Also a weakness but more as in fic than writing. Summaries and Titles. I stare at my drafts on AO3's editor for at least half an hour trying to pull something together, lol)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I can probably talk about this for hours, lol. I absolutely love foreign languages, especially when it comes to linguistics. So, I'll try to be brief, lmao. Short answer: depends on the fic but normally no. I already spend so much time fussing over the word choice/slang/formality/dialect characters use in my native language. I don't have a good enough grasp on another language for it to sound natural to the reader. ("They would not fucking say that" is my internal monologue during dialogue edits, lol)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

It's a toss up between Pokemon and Danny Phantom. I first learned about fanfiction from a friend who showed me FFN for the Pokemon fics. I looked around the site and found all of the Danny Phantom fics soon after and got hooked on those. I started writing around then and it would have been for one of those two.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Hard to chose one! Writing technicality wise, I'm proud of how What Remains on the Table turned out. I consider description my weak point, so the original draft was 0 dialogue with very stiff descriptions. I was able to edit it to really practice my environmental storytelling. (Although, please mind the tags if you click the link as it does deal with the dissection topic)

I'm not sure who's been tagged and I'm not sure who writes fanfic, so @lavendarlily, @fangirlwriting-stories, @grub-xd, @nanaarchy and anyone else that wants to join!

#tag game #danny phantom #fanfic authors #candy-posts

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aimbutmiss · 4 months

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Saw this post of yours: https://www.tumblr.com/aimbutmiss/740229617026220032/maybe-this-is-just-me-projecting-on-buggy-because

and I have to say I love it sm?? yk what it makes me think of? The song I can’t help but wonder from epic the musical, where Telemachus and Odysseus (a father/son duo who haven’t seen each other in TWENTY years) finally meet again. And it’s like, giving Buggy and the ghost of Roger or smth.

https://youtu.be/gUAQvlCFm-g?si=4UJpB9jABhOMLMAI

First of all, thank you so much!! I'm glad you enjoyed it 😁 and oh boy this one's got a kick... You shouldn't have brought up greek mythology AND buggy like I won't shut up ever after this.

I actually cried listening to the song while thinking about Buggy and Roger. It just fits too well. I want to point out a few lyrics that I thought fit like a glove:

"for twenty years, I never could outgrow you" I think its safe to say that Roger's death in Loguetown affected Buggy on a fundamental level. No one could handle watching their father's neck get sliced live. Something like that could never not change you. From the 20+ years that have passed since then, at least part of Buggy is still that 16 year old standing in that crowd, crying. He never fully outgrew Loguetown, and for the record I don't think Shanks did either (I couldn't not bring him up I'm sorry) The main difference is that they experienced very different Loguetowns... Buggy still had hope that Roger would somehow dodge death like he always had, because unlike Shanks he didn't understand why Roger would willingly go to his own death. However, as the one who left, Buggy suffered a lot less after their fight. That's not to say it wasn't hard to leave, or he wasn't sad about it (he cried a lot as he ran away from Shanks) But Shanks suffered a different way, from the whiplash he had from seeing Roger die AND losing his best friend on top of each other. He only expected one of those, and we know which one that was.

"i can't help but wonder (...) if I have your strength in me." Buggy has always been a character with deep self esteem issues. A part of that certainly comes from having Roger's legacy behind him. Roger was strong and smart beyond words, and Buggy definitely felt insufficient, like he couldn't reach that ideal. That's why there's a deep rooted jealousy in him towards Shanks, because he sees so much of Roger in him. This also mirrors Odysseus and Telemachus perfectly, because the son never reached his father's level of intelligence and strength by the end of the Odyssey. However, it is implied that he is on his way there, getting better and better as the story progressed. We see this with Buggy too, with his amazing talent of failing upwards. (I have to say, I don't think all of it can be accidental. Buggy is actually quite clever in his own way) Roger's soul must be watching with pride, but not surprise. I have no doubt in my mind that Roger truly believed Buggy would make it big one day. The kind of trust only a parent could have in their children.

"used to say I'd capture wind and sky for you" Not much to say here but Roger would definitely say something like this. There's not a single thing that man wouldn't have done for his boys. I'm so normal about them haha 😅 ...Also more on the Roger and Odysseus parallels, there's just something so beautiful about a man who chooses his family over and over again, no matter how many good options keep presenting themselves. Like, nothing in the world could get in the way of him and his child no matter what. The similarity just hurts. And even though Roger couldn't live to do that for Ace, at least he experienced fatherhood with Shanks and Buggy.

#im sorry i brought up the shuggy breakup again #i cant help it #one piece #buggy d clown #buggy the clown #shuggy #red haired shanks #gol d. roger

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simplykorra · 2 years

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Catradora, #20 (...on a scar) and/or #28 (...as a lie) please and thank you :>

It's been a bit since I've written Catradora, let's see if I remember how to do this lol

------------------

(as a lie)

"Catra, what happened to my pudding cup?"

Eyes going wide, Catra stares down at the aforementioned cup in her hand, last bite sitting on the spoon looking like the most delicious thing she's ever seen.

She had no idea these were Adora's pudding cups. Adora doesn't eat sweets very much and she just figured it was something Glimmer left in the fridge from their get together last week.

There's a scenario in her head where she saves the last bite, races into the kitchen and apologizes for this and let's Adora have it.

She even admits this is the better idea as she puts the spoon in her mouth and finishes off her snack.

It was a good idea, but why be boring and apologetic when she can be creative and still make sure Adora gets something sweet.

Catra quickly gets up, runs to the back door and throws the offending cup and spoon (that she'll have to explain away later) in the trash before sauntering into the kitchen as if she's just come home from a long days work. "What's up?" She asks, indifferent.

Adora is still standing in the fridge, staring at it's contents like the pudding cup is going to magically manifest itself right in front of her. "I had a pudding in here, I was saving it for after my end of the week workout and I can't find it."

"Huh, that's weird," Catra steps up behind her, staring into the fridge like she doesn't still taste the chocolate on her tongue. "Maybe Bow ate it?"

Adora shakes her head. "No, I...I saw it this morning," Adora gets a goofy smile on her face. "I remember because I told it I would see it tonight after..." her eyes go wide and she clears her throat. "I mean, I don't talk to our food."

Catra is so in love with this dork. "I don't know what to tell you, babe."

"Well damn, I was really looking forward to that."

Seeing Adora's genuine disappointment, Catra knows what she can do to help. She pulls Adora back, closes the fridge door and puts her hands on Adora's shoulders. "How about I give you something sweet instead." she leans in, watching with delight as Adora's eyes go wide for only a moment before she closes them.

The kiss is soft at first, as they usually are. Even after all this time, Adora has never stopped kissing Catra with a small sense of wonder.

That affection has done miraculous things for Catra's previously low self-esteem.

It's when the kiss starts to pick up steam that Catra makes her fatal mistake. She gently glides her tongue between Adora's lips, finding space on the roof of her mouth and pressing in even harder - their bodies flush.

Then suddenly, Adora gasps into her mouth.

"SHOKLIT!" She mumbles, vibrating Catra's teeth. They break apart and Adora looks absolutely scandalized. "You ate my pudding!"

"Pssh, no I didn't."

"You taste like chocolate!"

"So," Catra shrugs. "That's my natural taste."

"Catra!"

"Fine, I ate your pudding. I didn't know it was yours!" Adora's following pout is legendary. "I'll get you more, okay?" Adora crosses her arms, still frowning - but their eyes lock and Catra can't help herself. "Besides, you have to admit this is a pretty good way to get your sweets fix, don't you think?"

Adora's expression breaks just a bit. "I guess, but I think I need more than just one."

With that, Catra puts her hands in Adora's hair and pulls her in. "Now that, I can give you."

#catradora #okay this was fun and i love them #thank you so much #writing prompts

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clone-whore-99 · 2 years

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Troublemaker

Chapter 12: Heavy Rain Weights the Mind

The Bad Batch x f!Reader

Warnings: Soooo much angst, descriptions of panic attacks, descriptions of low self-esteem and self blame, the boys being themselves, Crosshair being soft, some slight slut shaming if you squint real hard, heavy topics, remember when I said Reader got all of the issues? I meant it LMK if I missed any

Authors Note: Remember when I said I could fit so much angst into this chapter? Well, here it is. There was going to be more, but I felt like it was dragging out too long. I hope you like it ❤

If you like it, please do let me know by liking and commenting and maybe even reblogging, it would mean a lot to me 🥺👉👈 Oh, and if you want to, you can show some support by buying me a coffee ❤

Arriving at Kamino

Work, Armor and... Clones?

Let it out

You shouldn't have done that

Talk about it

The 20 Questions Game

Crosshair 🌶

Echoes of the Past

The Fight

A Nice Change of Air

Sore Muscles 🌶

Waste of Time

The door hissed open and a tall, slender figure dressed in black armor stepped inside. His eyes instantly darted to you, still sitting in Techs bunk and pushing around some food on a tray.

"Why are you still in bed?" He scowled, his dark eyes fixating on you, like a predator watching its prey, making you want nothing more than to disappear. Suddenly remembering his enhanced eyesight, made you more aware about your previous act with Tech and what evidence it could possibly have left behind.

"I'm... still sore from yesterdays fighting session. Don't really feel like moving too much because of it." Well, it was technically the truth.

The sniper hummed in response, then placed his helmet and rifle in their usual spot on the crates by his bed and put his signature toothpick between his lips. "I thought Tech was going to help with that."

"I did," Tech replied, not looking up from the device he was working on. "But it isn't guaranteed that it will make the soreness completely go away, especially when it's muscles that isn't regularly used, like it is with Y/N."

"Hey!" You weren't actually sure if you were supposed to be offended by that statement, but it felt like an insult.

Acting as though you weren't even present in the room, Tech continued: "Though I am certain it's sped up the recovery process. She should feel minimal to no pain tomorrow - if not later tonight."

Crosshair didn't reply. Instead, he began his usual ritual of cleaning his rifle.

After a few moments of silence, you determined it was save to look in Crosshairs direction. His gaze instantly went from the rifle to meet yours. His usual teasing, cocky smile appeared. "See something you like, dollface?"

For once, you were actually prepared for his teasing and knew just what to reply. "Yea, your rifle. Next time you take me to the shooting range, can I try it?"

"Hmph, sure. Once Mustafar freezes over." He replied snarkily, but then his look softened just a tiny bit. "I thought you didn't like it the last time. Made you feel pretty unwell, remember?"

You nodded. "Yea, I remember. But I think it was because we overdid it. I'm not used to focusing my eyes like that for so long, so I think that's why I ended up feeling so bad. But I still really enjoyed it! It was a lot of fun and I suppose you aren't entirely half-bad at teaching.."

Crosshair chuckled. "I'll keep that in mind next time I'm heading to the range. Or you could just ask when you're in the mood, whatever comes first."

Another moment of silence passed, before you carefully asked: "How come you didn't ask me to come along today?"

"Tech was in the way and you seemed like you needed your beauty sleep. Unlike you, I don't feel like interrupting others sleep, unless neccessary."

You let out a loud, tired huff of air. "I already apologized for that. I overstepped a boundary, I know and I'm sorry about it. It won't happen again, I swear."

With that said, you went back to focusing on pushing food around on your plate. Would it really hurt anyone to make the food here a bit more interesting?

"Because you'll be sleeping in Techs bunk from now on?" You weren't sure, but Crosshair almost sounded... sad? Disappointed?

You shrugged, still not feeling like looking at anything else but your food. "No... Yes? I mean, I don't know... I really don't care where I sleep, to be honest. One of your bunks, the couch, hell even the floor would be fine, as long as you're okay with me being here."

"And if we stop being okay with it?"

Your heart sank. "Then I'll go back to my dads apartment... I guess I gotta face him eventually anyways." That's when an idea that had been itching in the back of your mind suddenly came to full light. Looking hopeful at the two clones, you began, "Unless ofcourse, next time you get drafted, I could -"

"You're not coming with us." They both replied in unison, shooting down the idea before it could even land.

A deep gutted laughter - your laughter - filled the room. Not because you actually thought it was funny, but the way they both jumped the gun so quickly, at the exact same time, was nothing but humorous to you.

While still deep in laughter, the door to the room swooshed open again and the three remaining clones of the squad entered.

"What's up with her?" The clone/droid hybrid named Echo asked. Both Tech and Crosshair just shrugged in confusion, struggling to see what about their response was so funny to you.

“So, how was your physical?” You asked Echo, after finally having managed to calm down and catch your breath again.

Echo shrugged. “Pretty much the same as last time - gotta regain some weight and muscle. The shockwave I received on Trench’s dreadnought caused some damage to my ear canal. Hence why my balance has been off lately - so, I guess Techs theory was right.”

“As usual,” Tech gloated, causing an audible groan from you and several other members of the squad.

You looked hopeful at the men. “Does that mean you have to stay here even longer?”

Now it was Hunters turn to shrug. “Maybe. I’m not sure…” Suddenly, his eyes got really dark and serious, boring into your soul and causing a feel of unease to come over you. “I won’t get my hopes up too much, if I were you, mesh’la. We aren’t exactly made to stay put this long and probably sooner rather than later we have to join the fight again.”

Wrecker let out a booming laughter while punching his fist into the palm of his other hand. “Yea! I’m itching to blow up some clankers!”

A soundless chuckle and a small nod, you returned the look in Hunters eyes. “I know,” you sighed, with a hint of sadness. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy as much of the time we have together here.”

“‘course not.”

“Oh ad’ika, that reminds me!” Wrecker rushed across the room and sat on the end of the table closest to Techs bunk. “When is it my turn to have a day with you?”

Confused, you tilted your head to the side. “What do you mean, big guy?”

“Well, so far Crosshair, Tech and Hunter has had a day alone with you. When can it be my turn?”

“Wrecker, you do realize I’m not some toy you guys gotta share between one another. It’s not like, just because I spend one hour with Tech, I also need to spend an hour with you.”

The large clone nodded, a look of shame was written all over his face. “Right, yea, I-I know. I’m sorry I asked.”

You finally got out of bed and moved over to sit next to the big guy, wrapping your arms around his arm. “Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry if you felt like I rather wanted to spend time with your brothers than you, since that’s really not the case. So,” you clapped your hand over his in a supportive manner. “If you really wanna spend time alone with me, then I’m sure we can figure something out. But don’t do it just because your brothers did, do it because you want to.”

“And be careful not to break her.” Crosshair snickered.

Everybody turned to look at the sniper.

“What do you mean by that?” Wrecker asked, his voice loud and cracked with the offense taken.

Your eyes narrowed angrily. “Yea, what exactly do you mean by that?”

Crosshair was only looking at you. “You know what I mean.” That was all he said, before deciding the conversation was over and returned to clean his rifle.

You weren’t done though. You let go of Wrecker and closed the distance between you and Crosshair, till you stood in front of him with your hands on your hips. “Is there something we gotta talk about, Cross?”

“Depends on your definition of ‘talk’, dollface.”

You scoffed. Loudly. Everytime you thought you had figured him out, everytime you thought he couldn’t do anything else to surprise you, he proved you wrong.

Not wanting to be ignored, you reached for the oily rag in his hands. As usual, he was faster than you and pulled it out of your reach. Your eyes searched his stone cold expression for any hint of the sudden hostility, before going to his brothers for help.

“Don’t take it personal, mesh’la.” Tech said, his eyes still focused on Echos head thingy. “Crosshair is just like that sometimes. Echo come here and try this on,” holding out the piece of tech he had been working on, it was now Techs turn to decide he was done with the conversation.

At first you tried to go back to Wrecker, but quickly realized you needed to be alone at that moment. Wrecker, who despite his large stature, managed to have a heart even bigger than that, tried to cheer you up in his own way. “It’s okay, ad’ika. I don’t like it either when my brothers think I’d break everything I touch.” He said, which only made you feel worse. Sweet thing thought that was what had upset you.

No. The thing that upset you was that you knew exactly what Crosshair meant, when he told Wrecker not to break you. Somehow he knew what had taken place between you and Tech. Who else knew? All of them? Was that why they were so nice to you? Why they let you stay in their barracks? Because they thought you’d let them have their way with you? Well, you hadn’t exactly proven them wrong…

There it was again. That anger building up in you, making it impossible to sit still, to think, to breathe.

Why was it so hard for you to breathe?

“Miss? Miss Y/N, are you alright?” You hadn’t even heard the small service droid enter your room, but there it was with glowing eyes and ear-like antennas laid against its back in worry.

You tried to answer, but with the air getting rapidly harder to breathe, nothing but desperate gasps and tears came out.

You stumbled to your knees, your vision already getting blurry from tears and lack of air. Lazie shrieked, then it must’ve run off in panic, based on the hurried sound of metal clanging against the floor slowly getting farther and farther away from you.

Ofcourse. Ofcourse it ran away. Why wouldn’t it. If you couldn’t be used, there was no reason to be around you. It was all your fault. That’s why dad couldn’t stand to be around you, that’s why mom -

“Y/N? Sweetheart!” Your dads voice rang through your thoughts and abruptly stopped them before they could get too bad. His large hands grabbed onto your shoulders, as he tried to pull you out of whatever hell you were in.

Once he had managed to somewhat straighten you up from your crouched over position, your dad grabbed your face in his hands and caressed your cheeks. “It’s okay sweetheart, it’s okay, daddy’s here, nothing’s gonna hurt you, I promise.”

Though he was right in front of you, his voice sounded so distant. Everything seemed so distant, everything but the walls, which were spinning faster than a podracer and quickly closing in on you.

“It’s okay, nothing’s gonna happen, I know this is hard, sweetcheeks but I know you can do it… I need you to take a deep breath all the way down to your stomach, okay? It’s all - oh mudcrutch, I’m getting dirt all over your face, I’m so sorry.”

That seemed to break the spiraling spell - your dad swearing over getting you dirty, while simultaneously trying to calm you down. It was such a typical dad thing, it caused a small chuckle to break the gasping for air.

Your dad let out a small, relieved chuckle as well. “It’s been so long since I last heard you laugh. It still makes me as happy as the first time I heard it…”

Before you could get back into your frantic state, he pulled you in for a hug and held you close. With one hand on the top of your head and the other on your shoulder, he rested his lips by your temple and rocked you back and forth like when you were a child. “It’s okay fruitcakes, you’re okay…”

The shrill sound of a comlink beeping interrupted the comfortable silence the two of you had been sitting in.

You sighed defeatedly and moved out of the safety of your dads arms. “I’m sorry, Y/N, it’s just…”

“I know,” you replied with all the snark of a teenager. “It’s probably super important and can’t possibly wait any longer and yadda yadda. Just leave, it’s what you do best.”

“That’s not fair, you know -” The comlink beeped again, this time even faster than last, meaning it was urgent. With a heavy sigh and loud groan, your dad got up from his sitting position on the ground. “I’m sorry, I gotta go. I’ll ask one of the boys to come keep -”

“I don’t need them.” You interrupted. “I just want to be alone, so just leave already.” You curled up on the floor, leaning against the angle between your bed and the wall.

For a moment, it was just silence. Your dad didn’t move and didn’t say anything, until the comlink began beeping for the third time. “I don’t want you to be alone when you’re like this. I’ll figure something out, okay?”

“Just leave before they send a search squad after you.”

And just like that, you were all alone in your room again. Why did you ever expect anything different from him?

After having spent enough time wallowing in self pity, you decided it was probably best for you to wash your face. Well, a shower would be best, but you didn’t have the energy and really couldn’t be bothered.

Your dad wasn't kidding, when he said he’d gotten you all dirty. His hands had been covered in cinder and oil from work, which was now smeared all over your face like warpaint.

It had dried in with your tears, which made it take forever to finally get off. But after having scrubbed till your face was sore and your clothes were drenched in splashed water, that probably would’ve been easier if you had just taken a shower, you finally managed to get all the dirt off.

You stared at yourself in the mirror. At your tired eyes, swollen from having cried. At your puffy nose, that you still couldn’t really breathe through. At any signs that could possibly give away what Tech and you were doing. Or, lack there of.

You had a nearly healed bitemark on your shoulder from Crosshair, but that was it. Tech hadn’t left any signs on you whatsoever. How the hell did Crosshair then find out?

With a loud groan, you threw your now soaked shirt at the laundry basket and headed towards your room to get a new one.

“Oh, you’re alive. I almost thought you had somehow managed to drown yourself in the sink.”

You shrieked and quickly moved your arms to cover your upper body, while turning to see the source of the voice. “Crosshair!”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh please, it’s not like it’s anything I haven’t already seen.”

“It’s called privacy and basic decency!” You scolded, really not in the mood for whatever reason he was there. “Something you clearly never learned about!”

Crosshair pushed himself off the wall he was leaning on and began slowly walking towards you. This caused you to rush across the hall to the bedroom and hit the door panel as fast as possible, in the hopes of somehow keeping him out. Because that has worked amazing so far.

Ofcourse it didn’t work. Right before the door closed, his slender fingers grabbed onto it and pushed it open again. He leaned against the doorframe, his eyes - as usual - fixated on you.

You screamed - actually screamed - in frustration. It was too much. You began picking up whatever you could grab and threw it at him, as he was lazily making his way towards you. “Get out! Leave me alone!”

Crosshair didn’t respond. He barely even acknowledged the stuff you threw at him. No. He kept walking until you were cornered and when you tried to run past him, he grabbed you and held you close, with both of your arms pushed against your chest, so you couldn’t fight.

That didn’t stop you from trying. You pushed yourself against him, then pulled in hopes he would loosen his grip. You tried to stump on his foot, but the armored boots made it hurt you more than him. You tried basically anything you could think of to get free, before finally breaking down crying.

“Calm down,” Was all Crosshair said, his voice cold and void of emotions.

“No! Let me go!” You shouted.

“I’ll let you go, once you’ve calmed down.”

“Why are you like this?” You cried, finally giving up on your escape from his grasp. “You’re such a jerk.”

“I know,” Crosshair sounded almost proud at that statement. Like being a jerk was a high badge of honor to him. He loosened his grip on you, letting you fall out of his arms. All except one arm, which he continued to hold tightly onto. “And I’m like this because I can. Now c’mon, I got something for you.”

One day you might realize there was no chance for you to overpower him, nor escape his grip. This was not that day. You pulled away, trying to free your arm from his grasp, while he stood still, waiting for you to give up.

“I’m not going with you!” You loudly declared, sounding more confident than you felt. “Out of all the people I don’t want to be around, you’re at the very top. You’re a kriffing nerve burner and I am tired of putting up with it. So please just leave me alone!”

Crosshair stood still, his facial expression and body language giving no indication what he was thinking. After a minute or so, he finally released your arm, only to cross his own over his chest and lean on one leg. “You know I can just pick you up and carry you.”

You let out a loud, frustrated groan at this statement, then let it fade into a defeated sigh. “At least let me put on a new shirt first, so I don’t have to walk around in just my chest bindings.”

“If you insist,” he shrugged and headed back to lean against the doorframe. Such an annoyance.

After having put on an old baggy shirt, you pushed past the clone. “So, where are we heading?”

“The living room.” The humor in his voice was so evident, even a deaf person could hear it.

You shot him your best you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me look.

There it was. That usual cocky smirk, just asking for you to try and hit him. Challenging you. You already knew how that was going to end.

Instead you rolled your eyes and began heading towards the living room.

It seems like Crosshair had expected you to try and hit him, since as you turned away from him, the clone hurried past you and grabbed your arm to better guide you.

With a shake of your head, you sighed. “I know the way to the living room. You don’t have to guide me like a droid, you know.”

“I know.”

Right by the large window overtaking almost the entire wall, a small nook was created from blankets and pillows from the couch. You shot Crosshair a questioning look, who just shrugged in response.

“Wrecker made it. Said I had to make up to you or something.”

Crosshair pulled you towards the window and only let go when he himself sat down in the heart of the nook, with his legs spread and the side towards you open. When you didn’t immediately lean in to his invitation, he grabbed your arm again and pulled you into the snug corner.

With an instant he locked his legs around you, keeping you from escaping.

“Ow!” You exclaimed, pushing yourself as far from him as possible - which wasn’t a lot. “Your armor hurts, y’know. Not exactly ideal for this.”

With an exaggerated sigh, Crosshair rolled his eyes and began taking off his shoulder pads and chest plate. “Never satisfied, are you?”

You scoffed. “Or maybe I just don’t like how you pull and toss me around like some toy!”

A mischievous glint in his eyes and a smirk to match it, showed that Crosshair found something amusing about your statement. Leaning back after stripping his arms of the armor, the sniper gave you another chance to get comfortable.

Not wanting to be pulled again, you leaned your back against his chest and his arms went around you. “What is the point of this?” You asked.

“Don’t know.”

“Then why are we doing this?”

Crosshair didn’t reply. But he didn’t loosen his hold on you either. You should be used to it by now, but it was still annoying how he always decided and controlled everything, and how you had no chance of winning when it came to him. It was like he enjoyed watching you struggle.

“You really are a huge jerk sometimes, you know.”

“I know, you don’t have to repeat it.”

“Have you ever considered being nicer?”

“No…” Crosshair rested his chin on top of your head. “I wasn’t made to be nice or so people would like me, dollface. I was made to shoot and luckily, I’m damn good at it.”

There it was again. These men being talked about as if they were a product and not actual people. It was heartbreaking.

Snuggling in closer to the sniper, you hugged one of his arms and decided to finally voice your feelings. “Doesn’t it bother you? How your entire existence is based on war and military and fighting? How you’ve never gotten to have a say in it or get to live a normal life?”

“Not really.” Crosshairs voice was as nonchalant as ever.

“Well, it bothers me!”

Crosshair made a soundless chuckle. “Why? You can’t change it or do anything about it, so it’s just a waste of energy.”

“Just because there’s nothing I can do about it, doesn’t mean I have to accept it. It’s wrong and against everything the republic stands for and it feels like not enough people acknowledges that!”

“Morals are a luxury that can’t be afforded in war.”

Your voice became really quiet. “Then what can be afforded?”

“Your life.” Crosshair replied, his tone pretty much matching yours.

Silence.

Comfortable silence.

Silence filled only by the tapping of rain water on the window.

That you needed to break with your aching question.

“How did you know?”

“Hmm?” Based on Crosshairs reaction, your question had taken him by surprise.

You began playing with his fingers, just to have something to do. “About me and Tech… How did you know? Tech said there was no evidence left.”

“Your lips,” Crosshairs free hand began caressing up and down your arm. “Both of your lips were swollen and it didn’t take a genius to figure out it wasn’t because you’ve been fighting.”

Reaching up to feel your lips, you felt more than you heard Crosshair laughter. “The swelling is gone. If it weren’t because of my vision, I probably wouldn’t have noticed either.”

His fingers curled up under your chin and pushed it upwards, tilting your head to make you look him in the eyes. “How come you don’t want us to know? About neither Tech or I?”

Your breath was caught in your throat. He was so close, this was so intimate, so… You turned to the side, watching the rain splatter on the window and obscure the view of the ocean.

“I don’t want you to think less of me…” You admitted in a whisper, hugging Crosshairs arm real close.

“Why would we think less of you?”

“It’s just…” You had to pause to think. Why would they? Nothing so far had given you the impression that’s what they thought, but you were so used to it being the mindset, you kinda thought it was the default all across the galaxy. “I don’t know. I guess, it’s just… Some people think less of you, the more intimate partners you’ve had. I don’t want you guys to think that’s all I’m good for and start treating me like… Like…”

Tears started to swell in your eyes, your lips began quivering and your voice became shaky. Your grip on his arm tightened and you hid your face against his chest, using the slow heart beat and body heat to calm yourself.

Crosshair let out a long, slow exhale. “Stars forbid if I ever catch the person who made you feel that way.”

Dividers by: @eloquentmoon and @djarrex

Taglist: @zoeykallus @rain-on-kamino @thebadbatchscyare @thebahdbitch @salaminus @mybigfatspoonielife @tararosebloodthorn @chxpsi @coffeeandclaws @timothyshousefire @tazmbc1 @nunanuggets @rexandechosandwich @the-good-shittt @showerthoughtsonly @ashotofspotchka @alwayssnivellus @maulsrightleg @lo0nylexi @tech-aficionado @ttzamara @the-sith-in-the-sky-with-diamond

Please let me know if you want to be added to the taglist (and if you want to be added to only this series or all my fics) ❤

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spark-lapis · 6 months

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Alhaitham genshinimpact 11, 20, 22

for the blorbo ask game!

this got REALLY long because this accidentally um. activated the overlap between my special interests (psychology, particularly identity and relationships) and (autistic blorbos).... so im putting it under a cut. the questions were:

"11. Would you date this character?";

"20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?"; and

"22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like?"

11. Would you date this character?

honestly this is a difficult one simply because i cannot envision any reality in which he would date me. he's got that huge aspec swag. i think we could be qpps though. he would be very autism direct with me and it would be very nice and cool. like business partners almost. i could see that. i think in the spirit of the question, yes, because i respect him as a person and would engage in a long term relationship with him pretty readily, were it an option

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

OHH that's a cool one.. honestly i think he has an interesting relationship with kaveh, i think they could be good friends after like. a 200k slowburn fixit fic where they both put a lot of work into their relationship and their own self esteem (mostly on kaveh's part-- poor guy). like it's impractical from a canon standpoint but I'm fascinated by the prospect because their core personalities compliment each other so well, and they're both extremely intelligent. i think kaveh is one of the few people that doesn't really get left behind when alhaitham explains things.

BUT if im looking at canon characters as they are and not my long-term fantasy fanfiction that i haven't written, i would have to say... any of: gorou, keqing, freminet, albedo, ....and maybe xingqiu but i'm tentative on that one. reason being that these are the most honest, upfront, devoted, hardworking, and intelligent people that i can think of off the top of my head.

my criteria:

1) has to be able to keep up intellectually with him. i don't think he minds being patient and explaining things over again if there's genuine interest, but someone who gets lost really easily and can't follow his train of thought even if he slows it down/makes it more explicit... probably wouldn't really enjoy spending time with him, and probably wouldn't be very rewarding to explain things to either. a good friend for him would be someone who has the interest and ability to eventually understand whatever interesting thing he's pondering, and preferably, even be able to build off of it and pose their own curiosities. i think that albedo and keqing excel here, as they are both extremely curious and thoughtful people that are prone to questioning and interrogating their environment. the insane scientific banter these guys would be able to have with him is off the charts and would be very autistically satisfying for everyone involved. freminet and gorou also fit here to a lesser extent, because while they might not have as much to actively contribute (though I think they still would at least a little), they would find whatever he were talking about genuinely fascinating and want to learn more.

2) has to be genuine and earnest. or at least able to be genuine when the time calls for it. for alhaitham to be able to fully trust and enjoy being around them, they have to be someone who he can trust to be open with their information and intentions. they would have to be someone that he can trust to not try and mislead or misinterpret him when it counts. i think he lies a lot to people that he doesn't like or respect, but in a relationship that he did respect, he would require mutual honesty and communication. i think that freminet and gorou excel here, as they are both extremely empathic, earnest people. i think they wouldn't engage as much when alhaitham talks about whatever curiosity he's most recently discovered, but i think they would have insightful opinions when they did, and they could be trusted to keep it as secret as it needed to be. (though i will note i'm mostly going by personality. i'm not really factoring age into this because i think freminet may be a teenager?? i think gorou is just a petit adult though)

.....he has not interacted with any of these people in canon. like at all.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like?

oh MAN i really should read fics honestly but i don't... so i will just go with fandom characterization of him. i love it when they make him blunt and autistic and rude especially to paimon. i don't really like when people's entire impression of him seems to be "asshole that's bad and weird and can't keep friends and doesn't have the Common Sense to upkeep social courtesies" cause that squicks a little bit too close to just.... hating neurodivergency. for my comfort. also not personally into the fan portrayals where he's seemingly fully allosexual/alloromantic, or where he's like... romantic about it, you know? this guy's idea of romance, if he has any, is asking you directly what you want for your anniversary, and then buying that for you. or sitting on a couch and reading silently together. and i love it when i see things that hit that kind of specific queerplatonic vibe. i also love characterizations that are a little bit slapstick where he causes problems for kaveh and is just generally kind of. like. insensitive but not Mean or Malicious you know.

AND that concludes my answer to this ask that took me two hours to type up (oops)! thank you so much for the prompt!!! this is. my favorite topics . i love relationship pondering

#spark speaks #asks !#ask games #ask game answers #fave #LITERALLY THIS WAS SO FUN . THANK YOU GENUINELY #genshin

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newwayastrology · 6 months

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Rosalyn Carter left her body today. I think the number of years she and the President were married was 77. All too often, people who have not seen hundreds or thousands of horoscopes look at a synastry bi-wheel and go by this logic: "If there are mostly trines and sextiles, the relationship will be good. If there a bunch of squares, oppositions, and 'bad' conjunctions, it's not good."

The Carters major hard aspect contacts are as follows: her Neptune conjoins his Venus; his Mars opposes her Sun, his Saturn opposes her Moon, his Uranus opposes her Mars, and his Neptune conjoins her Sun.

I placed their bi-wheel on an online synastry page without the names. Close to 70 people said there's no way the relationship could last. If you look in any synastry cookbook and look at the mutual aspects I've pointed out between them, that same feeling is conveyed, yet 77 years of bliss for them!

I used to be, a looooong time . ago, one of those people who thought that mutual bi-wheel aspects were the gospel of relationship potential. There was a young lady I was serious about and I made an appointment with my mentor, Noel Tyl, to have him take a look at us. I was surprised!!!! He completely disregarded the bi-wheel. He already knew me so he took her into his client room for a consultation. An hour or so later, they returned and he pointed things out to me that she confirmed. A few days later, he and I talked on the phone and he said, "Basil, she's beautiful, intelligent, talented, and articulate but she's way behind you. It's like you are a man and she's a girl even though you are just 3 years senior to her and you are both in your 20's. You'd have to somehow stop your growth impetus to allow her to catch up."

After experiencing more time with her, he was absolutely right. It was like I was 30 years older than her. Yet, my Jupiter was on her Sun and her Jupiter was on my Moon-Venus conjunction. There were NO tough hard aspects between us. The relationship ended without any hard feelings at all.

What I learned from that is that relationships are about who two people are as individuals, not what astrology says about aspects between them. A bigot and a Liberal likely won't survive even if the mutual aspects are all trines. A woman who had early sexual or emotional abuse that manifests in self-esteem problems and issues with sex has to work on herself. Thee greatest synastry means squat if she's walking around demeaning herself all the time.

I think I remember a story about the Carters having been born in the same hospital, lived in the same neighborhood and that kind of thing. Their frames of reference reflected one another. Both were strongly idealistic at an early age, all expressed in church activity. So, they were two peas in a pod.

My wife's Saturn opposes my Sun and my Saturn squares her Moon. I obviously knew this as we were getting to know each other but again, two peas in a pod. This coming January makes 24 years for us!

The moral of the story is that synastry is about two individuals, not planetary aspects between two people.

#synastry

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greenxprof · 6 months

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Prof. Green Oak's Playlist

I explained the reason for each song to be in the playlist under cut. Most are either because of vibes or lyrics that remind me of Green/His relationships, and some are assigned by friends :)

IDKHOW, Do It All the Time

Mostly about his teenage/young adult years. He's taking your girl and making her his, beware! Back when he was (surprising more) reckless. Also, by the ending when he says "I don't wanna do it but I'll do it 'cuz I do it all the time" can easily be about Green's "toxic" behaviors that he was aware to be bad but was his only way to cope...

2. IDKHOW, Social Climb

Same thing as above! Huge Green Vibes on "But if the lights don't stop me, no one's got control of what I do" as well.

3. ARCTIC MONKEYS, I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor

Oh you can bet Green's a flirt specially on parties and raves etc! Used to be even more when he was younger, on his 20s, before taking up the laboratory. I usually think of his ship with an Ethan where they met years after HGSS in a party...

4. DAFT PUNK, Robot Rock

Purely vibes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ He shares this music with Leo Mew. Do picture him vibing with his sunglasses on to this.

5. MAFUMAFU, いかないで

Assigned to Green by a friend! This music talks a lot about pursuing someone and asking them to not leave. Do I need to say it's Green about Red or Leaf?

6. SILENTROOM, NULCTRL

Pure vibes as well. I like giving him music that you'd listen to in parties :)

7. ROYAL BLOOD, Sleep

Oh Dear now we're getting to Green's Anxiety Crisis music lol. This one is open but you could say some sections of it, like "I've waited so long, Forever counting down, Thinking of all the ways I could get you back around" could be about Red... Left on his own, he doesn't wanna sleep.

8. ROYAL BLOOD, Little Monster

Much like the first three songs in this playlist, Green being a flirt but more sensual this time. I love him and I love royal blood what do you want from me

9. ROYAL BLOOD, Careless

Another Anxiety Crisis Music!!! Everything in this song screams Green Oak. "I wish I cared less but I'm afraid I don't" ???? THAT'S HIM. That goes for all his ships because he needs to go through the "they don't give a single fuck about me/they absolutely hate my guts" phase every time. He's also very prone to thinking he's NOT a good partner and his loved should, like, run away.

10. LAZER BOOMERANG, Time to Pretend

Vibes only but specially the Reguri in Alola vibes. Green driving his convertible with Red and Pika by his side, sunset behind them, all in a synthwave fashion....

11. ROYAL BLOOD, Lights Out

Third Anxiety Crisis Music. I feel like this one is more about an specific Ex that certainly traumatized him back in Kalos. Oh if she could see him now, looking all manly and handsome. She's not so hard to forget with all the lights out, though...

12. NANO, All Eyes on Me

Vibes and some of the Lyrics. It feels like a younger, teenager Green feeling all powerful and smartass with his new life in Kalos.

13. Champion Blue Encounter Music

DO I NEED TO SAY ANYTHING? When I first played SuMo (I did it specifically to reach the battle tree and see them all grown up) and this started playing I felt so strongly I cried a little. oof.

14. YUNGLIXO, Sombra

This is a PT-BR Song. I feel like this one has some transgender subtones when he sings about not recognizing the person in older pictures or the person in the mirror, etc. It also speaks about not knowing yourself and feeling lost. I think this is about that phase in Green's transition in which he's in the middle of it. He's not like he used to be before it but he's still not like how he wants to be, yk.

It also speaks about not having a self-esteem and how it leads him to bad paths, because he feels like there's a void where he should be.

This song is really beautiful. Shoutout to the line "All the time I spent brooding I should've spent switching channels".

15. YEAH YEAH YEAHS, Heads will Roll

Another with the vibes and the party/rave mood. Also his head did roll once HAHAHAHAHA

16. THE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS, Video Games (Cover)

Assigned Reguri Song by Kyle. "It's you, it's you, Everything I do" and "He holds me in his big arms, drunk and I am seeing stars" .... oh I am mentally ill for them. Heaven is a place on Earth with Red yeah.

17. LAST DINOSAURS, Apollo

This one is about when Green decided he didn't want to be a Gym Leader. "My mind is made up, I'm willing to come down and wake up". That life isn't for him! He felt like staying there, a place offered to him because he lost to Red, because Giovanni wasn't there anymore, simply filling a hole, a consolation prize for failing on his efforts. He decided to pursue his (other) dream.

Also, for he "One more time, I need to see you one more time" as when he felt like maybe he should climb Mt. Silver to say goodbye to Red before spending a decade away. (He didn't)

There are some small transgender subtones on this music too. He's ready to be someone else, someone he wants to be and can feel proud of himself, no more letting others dictate his life. No need to feel like he used to, unhappy with himself, with his image...

18. CARPENTER BRUT, Hairspray Hurricane

Assigned by Cas. I like to think, when Cas Red and Green have that flying battle, THIS WILL BE THE BACKGROUND MUSIC. Also the name is just... Green. A hairspray hurricane every morning to get his hair like that!!

I will be adding more songs in the future, then updating this post :)

#;;ooc #;;leo talks #green vibes #green playlist #headcanons #green lore #big text #;;SORRY I SPEAK A LOT. I HAVE NO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT HIM #;;I also love all these songs.

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crescentmoonrider · 2 years

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give me your important toji and yuta and megumi headcanons :3c

you mean, in general ? or like how they'd all interact together ? or are we talking Boy Who Leapt Through Time AU specifically ?

well i guess i can do all three

let’s start with individual hcs !

Toji

he’s bisexual and demiromantic. the only person he’s ever been in love with has been his first wife, Megumi’s mom, in part because she was the only person at the time to treat him like a normal guy

the reason he married Tsumiki’s mom is more complicated. on the one hand, Megumi and Tsumiki got along well, and Toji thought it would be good for Megumi to spend time with like, someone his age. on the other, Toji didn’t trust himself to take care of Megumi, and thought marrying again would be a sort of insurance in case he died... or decided not to go home

the reason he never made the Zen’in clan pay for the way they treated him, and the reason he sort of trusted them with Megumi is that he has completely internalized the abuse he went through as something that was justified

his self-esteem is at rock bottom. he’s just really good at hiding it by behaving like a fucking asshole

might just have a breakdown if someone pays him a genuine compliment

he fucks around a lot for a few reasons : easy money, easy way to get a roof on his head, he likes it and likes making his partner(s) feel good, he tries to compensate his need for emotional intimacy with physical intimacy (it doesn’t work)

Yuuta

bisexual and aromantic. he tells people Rika’s the only one for him because for some reason, people are more eager to believe he can’t get over a childhood crush than to understand he just. doesn’t get romantic love

he’s build like a stick, and no matter how much he tries, cannot manage to build any muscle mass. he wishes at least had some more pecs.....

i refuse to believe the whole point of vol. 0 (overcoming grief, moving on from past mistakes, letting Rika-chan fucking rest in peace) would be undercut so stupidly by Gege, so the current “Rika” is not in fact cursed energy left behind by Rika-chan and uh, the power of love ? it’s just a copy Yuuta made with his technique. i will not be taking criticism

because of how socially isolated he used to be, his only idea of what real teens his age do comes from like, dramas and manga, and the random bits of conversation he would hear in the classroom

the first time he went out to a café with the other 2nd years, he cried for a good 20 minutes

Megumi

demi without a strong preference for any gender. has trouble understanding other people’s conceptions of romance and sexuality, especially people who date/fuck without strong ties to each other

the type to idealize the people he likes (who aren’t Gojo), only to be disappointed when they turn out to be, you know, people. with good sides and bad sides and sides that just don’t sit well with specific people

Tsumiki taught him how to cook. he doesn’t do it often these days, but he finds it relaxing

depending on my mood, i sometimes go with the idea that he has a puppy crush on Yuuta. he’s taking that secret to his grave, though

now for interactions not related to the above-mentioned AU !

obviously we know Megumi admires and respects Yuuta a great deal, and i like to think Yuuta’s the kind of guy who really wants to make his kouhais proud. so we have “Okkotsu-senpai can do nothing wrong” on one side, and on the other we have Yuuta trying to show off and keep up with Megumi’s expectations. it’s a whole mess, but it’s a funny one to watch for the other 2nd years

they have betting pools on what they can convince Yuuta to do to show off to Megumi, and also on what will finally make Megumi realize Yuuta is just as stupid as the rest of them, just in a different way

now, if we were to put Toji in there, as Megumi’s very much alive deadbeat dad....

i mean. it would be a disaster. a very entertaining one, but a disaster nonetheless. Megumi would do his best to keep Toji away from Yuuta so #1 Shitty Dad can’t embarrass him in front of his cool senpai. Toji would do his best to do just that, in whichever way is funniest to him (so either by flirting with Yuuta or by revealing Megumi’s baby photos. maybe even both)

meanwhile Yuuta would just be like “huh i wonder who the hot guy Fushiguro-kun just shoved out the window was”. and then Toji would open his mouth and Yuuta would go “oh he’s an asshole ok”. he Would take Megumi’s defense if Toji’s being too shitty, though. senpai instincts

unfortunately for everyone though, Yuuta is also a very genuinely kind soul, which is exactly what can break through the walls and layers of dysfunctional coping mechanism Toji built after the death of his first wife (and also after the abuse he suffered at the hands of the Zen’in clan)

what i’m saying is that Yuuta just stands there obliviously as Megumi tries to murder Toji, who is now seriously trying to get closer to Yuuta and just like, become friends ? maybe ??

oh yeah also Toji calls himself a monkey one time in front of Yuuta, and Yuuta just straight up goes “you will treat yourself (and others like you, such as Maki) with respect or i will punt you into the sun” and Toji’s just like. “oh.”

and now for The Boy Who Leapt Through Time AU !!

obviously Yuuta has latched onto the kids and sworn to protect them. on the one hand, of course, it’s painful to look at them and remember the people he knew and lost, and the time he spends with them keeps on twisting the knife of his trauma. on the other, he refuses to make his own issues something other people have to worry about, and part of what protecting the kids means to him, is hiding his pain from them

he will do anything for their sake. anything

Toji’s relationship with Megumi at that time is pretty complex. Toji’s at his lowest point by then, and while he does love Megumi and wants the best for him, he’s also very aware that like. he fucking sucks as a parent. and there’s probably a part of him that resents having a kid, because life would be easier if Megumi wasn’t around. if Tsumiki hadn’t called him, there’s honestly a good chance he wouldn’t have gone home at all that day

and of course, he doesn’t believe a “monkey” such as him could ever be the right person to raise a sorcerer

anyway it’s complicated. the way Tsumiki talked to him on the phone, it made Toji believe he was needed, and that’s why he came back (also because his wife bailed). but then the small fight over juice made Megumi spill out all of his grievances to Toji, because he’s a child and he needs his dad and Toji has been pretty awful at being there for him up until now, and now Toji thinks he was wrong and actually Megumi would be better off without him

they both suffer from “i will die if i tell my loved ones i care about them” disease, and it sucks. but also one of them is fucking 4 years old and deserves some slack on that front

on the Toji and Yuuta front... Yuuta’s first thoughts about Toji were that he is dangerous, and also a jackass. but also Yuuta is thankful to Toji for picking him up and more or less saving his life (because seriously, who knows what the College would do with a Special Grade who says he comes from the future and has fucking unreal levels of cursed energy)

anyway he has now realized that Toji has some Fucken Issues, some of which he recognizes from personal experience. like, the low self-esteem, the isolation, the disbelief at anyone being nice to him ? yeah Yuuta, who was haunted by Rika-chan for 6 years, and was also bullied, is familiar with that

so of course he wants to help, as a way to thank Toji, and for the kids’ sake. especially Megumi’s, since he’s seen what abandonment issues have done to the Megumi he knew. he doesn’t really know how to go about it, though

Toji doesn’t really know what to make of Yuuta. he’s a sorcerer, and stupidly strong at that, but he acts... weak. right up until he doesn’t. he’s also scary good at lying and smiling in front of the kids, right up until he can be on his own to have a breakdown. he also thanked Toji for something Toji did mostly for his own sake, and it’s... Toji doesn’t know what to make of that either

well, they only really met like today, so. they’re gonna figure each other out and what to do about their situation eventually, for better or worse

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blue-kyber · 9 months

Text

Things are very, very grim for me right now.

I'm hanging by a thread tied to a long-distance hope of finding a lawyer willing to take my case, and that I'll get hired at the place I interviewed at yesterday.

It's grim, because I've slipped so far behind in everything, all I can afford now is ramen. I eat free food from the restaurant (my job that I'm trying to leave due to them screwing me over so hard I'm IN this situation.)

Things in jeopardy/things I can no longer pay for:

Rent

Car insurance.

2 credit cards.

Traffic ticket that I'm fighting, because the reason is disgustingly stupid - everyone in Los Angeles does what I got pulled over for on the daily. Multiple times. They enter the left hand turn lane before the turn lane starts. I was off my medication at the time (again, problem getting it). This is what the "ADHD Tax" means, and why life with ADHD is more expensive.

Health insurance - which means no more mental health care. Which means no more prescriptions for ADHD medication and antidepressants.

ADHD meds. I've been off of them since the start of August. I either can't afford them, or they're not in stock. Even the generic version of Adderall is out.

Dental Insurance.

Spotify. I have to listen to ads now. An acceptable loss, however annoying.

Disney+ (to be honest, I dropped them before this due to them raising their prices.)

Filling my car's gas tank to Full. It costs me around $88. It lives perpetually on 1 - 2 gallons, so I'm having to keep putting in $10 every other day.

There goes getting a new mattress. I'll keep dealing with lower back pain and restless nights.

Paying the mechanic back for fixing my POS 20 year old car in June.

Paying my friend back $600, and my parents back $900 to help me cover rent in July.

My paychecks and what small tips I make anymore go directly toward the money pit that is rent that I can't afford anymore, food for myself and my cat, and gas for the car.

My biggest fears right now are not making my $1250 rent by Sept. 15th, not being able to pay that ticket (which you have to pay for and hope the court refunds it back after looking at the dispute paperwork), and not getting my ADHD meds. Without them, I've been making more mistakes, and being my old scattered self without any ability to focus on more than 1 thing, and not get important things done that need to be done.

TO SAVE MYSELF...

I am looking for other work.

I took a job every Saturday at my old work (which I didn't want to return to, but I'm desperate. There are REASONS why I left).

Selling my things on Ebay - which isn't going so well. I only sold 2 small things, made $40, but I only got $15 of it. The rest went to Ebay fees and shipping.

Entering writing contests with cash prizes. I haven't won anything.

Getting the odd lottery ticket praying to God for help. Haven't won anything. Not even my $2 back.

I sold my PS2 and some games for $50 and that $50 went to gas and food.

I got a Macy's card so I could get nice work pants for job interviews, and rebuild my credit back into the 700's. It's been driven down to 695, and I am not happy about that. I worked for years to get it back up out of the 400s. Now I owe Macy's $43 by the end of the month.

Now I'm considering donating plasma even if the last time I tried years ago...let's just say it didn't go well. I panicked, I almost blacked out, and I threw up. 3 nurses were around me.

Considering donating blood if they'll pay me for it.

Auditioning for audiobook narration jobs. Haven't landed any new gigs yet, and the one I'm working on is royalty share. Which = experience. No $$$.

I need $1250 by the 15th, and I don't know what else I can do to get it. Aside from starting an Only Fans for guys who like ugly women, cakes, or feet. I am seriously considering posting pictures of my ass and feet for money.

I'm a roller skater. I know I have nice legs and nice bakery. I just really, really, really don't want to have to sink that low. I already have horrible self esteem, body issues, and mental health issues.

I am physically alone through all of this. No partner, no significant other, no family nearby. It's just me having to fight through all of this to keep going alone.

AND ALL OF THIS.... Because my work retaliated against me in June, and continue to do so.

No one wants my voice. - a literal lifetime of training. No one wants my writing - same. Decades of training. Years devoted to a work that holds my soul ("Out There: The 1K"). My patreon failed horribly. No one wants my stuff. - Yes, it's all crap, because I can't afford expensive stuff. No one wants to hire me. - I haven't figured this one out yet. No law firm wants to help me. No one wants...

Me.

BUT I AM STILL TRYING.

I bought a bunch of potatoes today, and some spaghetti. My food for a while will be baked spuds and noodles. I'll get my protein through meat dishes at work.

My cat is amazing. :) She'll always have enough food and love. She's my emotional support companion. She's even registered. And she's saving me right now. All I need to do is look at her, and I can believe for a moment that things will be ok.

I'll get through this and keep a roof over our heads because of her. Because I love her. Because I'm terrified of living on the streets. Of being dropped like I never mattered despite how hard I work to be the best at my job, and a good person.

I know it'll be ok. I just have to follow the advice my MC was given:

"You're meant for something greater out there. Not down here with us in the dirt. But you have to look up. Keep your eyes on the horizon. Keep moving. Don't look back, and don't look down. You do that, and you'll find your way out. And when you do, I hope I'm there to see you break orbit."

That's Gregor's advice to a young Yune Darrak in my novel. Gregor was his first father figure. Yune holds that speech as part of what gets him through impossible times. He named his ship the Horizon after this speech, and in honor of Gregor, of how much he saved his life just by loving him.

I need to follow my own? advice.

I've been strong for months. But now, I really want to go sit in the shower and cry. Be right back.

#Bad times are just times that are bad #These bad times have a potential eviction notice nailed to them.#I just have to stay positive that things will be ok.

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