#i know it was more complicated than he turned emo but idk how else to describe it lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

a-small-batch-of-dragons · 3 years

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Healing

Prompts: So I’ve recently binged all your SS fics practically and I know you SWAMPED in prompts, but if this sounds like something you could enjoy creating I’d love to request a promt as well:

Set in your SS Butterfly Project, could we maybe get Virgil reacting to all the sides (specifically L and Ro) learning to heal, and bouncing between helping sooth everyone’s anxiety over all the changes? I’d just love under appreciated Virgil helping in the moments in between the healing process if that makes any sense…

I appreciate the he*l out of you regardless if you take this prompt or not; and you deserve all the kindness the world has to offer you. ❤️ - mylgbtbabies

I would take any fic where somethigns off and virgil knows it. Someone: Im sure its fine!! Virgil: Idk man Im anxiety my spooder sense be tingly. - anon

If you're taking requests for Sanders Sides uwu can I ask for something Virgil-centric? I just love the emo boy - anon

ahh yes the babes

Read on Ao3

Warnings: ngl this one's pretty much fluff

Pairings: DLAMP, LAMP, DLAMPR, that found family

Word Count: 3538

Healing: To restore to health or soundness; cure.

Healing: To ease or relieve (emotional distress).

* * *

Healing isn’t a linear process.

It’s messy, it’s hard, and no one should expect it to be anything otherwise. Humans are complicated, more often than not brains are absolute garbage, and trying to navigate everything on your own is difficult. Really difficult.

So is learning how to ask for help.

Virgil sighs and leans back against the couch as Roman continues to type on his laptop. He risks a glance up at Princey to see his brow furrowed slightly in concentration. Every so often he’ll quirk his eyebrow in the way that means he just made a hilarious typo and has to go back. Virgil hides a smile as he turns his attention back to his phone. Can’t intrude too much on the process, that’s not how it works. He glances up to make sure no one’s coming down the stairs and shifts his weight again.

“Are you alright?”

There’s Roman, taking care of everyone else first. “I’m good, Princey, just trying not to fuck up my spine.”

“…do you want to come sit up here with me? I won’t mind.”

Virgil cranes his neck back, letting a slow and lazy smile come across his face. “Nah, ‘m good right here. You just make with the typey typey, okay?”

Roman smiles too, victory achieved. “Okay.”

“That’s my Princey.”

Virgil isn’t humble enough to not feel the little rush of pride at seeing a quick flush spread to Roman’s ears as he turns his attention back to his laptop. Suppressing a chuckle, he starts mindlessly scrolling again, getting sucked back into whatever’s contaminating his dash this time. What’s this about a k-drama…?

“Oh! There you are!”

Patton might not notice the way Roman startles, but Virgil does. He looks up and quickly shakes his head as Patton comes the rest of the way down the stairs.

“It’s work hours, Pat.”

“Oh, I thought—“ Virgil gives him a look that he knows Patton understands as Roman is setting the rules here, and he nods quickly— “well don’t mind me, I’m just getting a drink.”

Roman relaxes slightly as Patton bustles in and out of the kitchen, then a little more as Virgil reaches up to squeeze his hand.

“Thank you,” comes the quiet mumble.

“I gotcha, Princey. Work hours are your thing, I’m happy to help.”

Sure enough, a few minutes later, when Logan comes down the stairs carrying his computer, he takes one look at them in the living room before his mouth drops open slightly.

“Is it…work hours?”

“Mhm,” Virgil says, letting his head loll back, “you wanna join?”

“May I? I can be quiet as well.”

Virgil looks up at Roman. Roman glances up, smile softening when he sees it’s Logan, and gently pats the sofa next to him. Logan smiles too and yeah, okay, Virgil’s fine with his edge lord image fading slightly if it means he gets to be fond at watching these two nerds be gentle with each other.

The two of them start to type on their laptops, Logan’s constant murmurs of what he’s working on an amusing contrast to Roman’s silent yet expressive face. Virgil keeps the barrier there, warding off Janus and Remus when they try and drag the others into the dramatics—if anyone, especially Janus, tries to deny that he’s as much a part of it as Remus is, do not under any circumstances believe them—to keep the nerds safe.

After a while, when Virgil re-emerges from whatever deep dive he’s gone on this time—and yeah, he might be looking to pirate that k-drama, maybe—he realizes there’s no more typing. He looks up, a little concerned, only to be incredibly glad no one else is around to see him melt at the sight on the couch.

Roman’s laptop lies partially closed on his lap, the screen just touching the tops of his knuckles. His head and shoulders are angled toward Logan and his eyes are closed. Logan’s glasses are slipping slightly off his face, his head on Roman’s shoulder, eyes closed, lips parted slightly as his hair falls back into his face. His laptop has been set on the coffee table, somewhere safe.

Virgil shakes his head, standing and carefully taking Roman’s laptop from him. He saves whatever’s on it and sets it next to Logan’s. Then he takes the blanket from the back of the couch and carefully drapes it over the two of them. He slides Logan’s glasses from his face and undoes the top button of Princey’s collar. Can’t do for them to have a red mark, after all. And he sits back down to keep watch.

Sometimes, when they’re doing better, they ask for more. Roman comes to him sometimes and asks, very very quietly, but he does ask, for Virgil to come sit with him by his room. Virgil happily takes up residence in the warm spot in the hallway next to Roman’s room, right where the big windows are, soaking in the warmth from outside as Roman closes the door gently behind himself.

Something that everyone had to learn pretty quick once Logan and Roman started reaching out was that both of them are extremely private people. On the surface, it might seem like they’re different—and if they’re being honest, they certainly thought they were very different—but they aren’t. Not really. Roman hides behind being too much, Logan hides behind not being anything. Whether or not anyone actually knows them without any of the facades is up for debate.

Except each other. They…they…know each other.

Virgil would be lying if he said he isn’t a little jealous of how close the two of them have become. There are soft smiles they only have for each other now, little brushes of their hands against each other’s as a constant way of saying ‘I’m here, I see you, are you alright?’ And sometimes it’s Virgil’s job to sit outside one of their rooms as they try and hold each other steady.

Their company feels better than their solitude and it’s up to them to decide where that line is.

Today, Virgil’s just keeping an eye on Roman. Fielding off anyone who comes to knock on his door, glaring away the more persistent ones who don’t seem to understand that Roman needs his space right now, kindly fuck off. Logan comes around the corner and immediately understands and he sees them murmur quietly to each other when it’s time for dinner.

When he watches Logan, it’s a little harder. Because poor Logan is so used to pushing himself to the side to be able to make decisions, to help do things, that Virgil has to remind everyone involved that no, Logan’s enforced a boundary that means he doesn’t want to be disturbed right now, he’s allowed to do that, let’s leave him be for now. Left brain boys have to stick together.

But the others, to a certain extent, are easy. They care about Roman and Logan as much as Virgil does, and if it’s to help them, they’ll do whatever they have to. Protecting them from themselves…that’s another story.

Logan is too fucking good at pretending he’s fine. He’s too good at pretending he doesn’t have emotions, that he doesn’t care what’s going on unless it’s the absolute most illogical thing that’s happening. So, sometimes he has to work a little harder to get Logan to admit it.

“L,” he mutters as the others continue to argue, “check-in.”

“I’m fine.”

Janus shoots him a look as he continues to argue. Virgil tugs gently on Logan’s sleeve.

“No one’s gonna be mad if you say you aren’t, bud.”

Logan shakes his head firmly, eyes still trained on the way Patton and Janus are insisting that they’re the one right.

“Hey,” Virgil says softly, making them take a step back, “I need you to look at me, L.”

“What is the purpose of this?”

“You’re seizing up again.” Logan looks down at his hands, sees the way they’re shaking as Virgil gently runs a finger over the back of one of them. “It’s okay, bud, you’re gonna be fine, you just have to let yourself not be for a moment, okay?”

Logan risks a glance at the others but they haven’t noticed anything. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. Judging by the way Janus is being more dramatic than normal and Roman has turned so his back is facing them, they’ve noticed something’s wrong and are purposefully not noticing anything else.

“Logan,” Virgil calls, “do you need a minute?”

Logan’s mouth opens, closes, then he nods sharply.

“Okay, thank you, I’m really proud of you for saying that. Can I sink you out?”

Another sharp nod.

Virgil sets his hand gently on Logan’s elbow and sinks them out, right outside Logan’s room. He nods to the door.

“Do you need to be alone for a moment? Or do you need me with you?”

Logan looks at the door. His hands shake again. Virgil sees them twitch toward his legs. Then he looks at Virgil and oh, okay, no, Virgil’s definitely coming inside.

“Come on,” he says, guiding hand still on Logan’s shoulder, “just through here, okay? I’m gonna get you a glass of water.”

Logan looks small, Virgil decides he doesn’t like that. He presses a glass of water gently into Logan’s hands, watches as he drinks the whole thing without complaint, and then carefully sets one of Logan’s fluffier pillows into his lap for Logan to hang onto.

“Do you want to sit here for a moment?”

Logan nods, then buries his face in the pillow and breathes. Virgil closes his eyes and starts to breathe too, keeping it slow and steady as he breathes in, then out, then in, then out. When Logan’s breathing starts to hitch, he opens his eyes and scoots a little closer, wordlessly offering a shoulder. Logan takes it after a moment, his face still buried in the pillow even as his head comes to rest on Virgil’s shoulder.

“Let it out, bud,” Virgil murmurs into the crown of Logan’s head, “don’t try and keep any of that shit in you. It’s just me.”

Watching Logan cry isn’t fun. He doesn’t recommend it. But it’s much, much better than the alternative.

“Hey,” he calls again, a fresh glass of water in his hand, “drink, bud, it’ll help.”

Logan drinks, a little slower this time, as Virgil settles back on the bed, one leg folded under him.

“Do you want to talk about it? Or do you want me to distract you?”

Logan shakes his head. “I…do not think distraction would be helpful.”

“Okay. Do you want me to give you the logical reason why this is fine, or the emotional one where I tell you how much we care?”

Logan sniffles.

“Both it is, then.” Virgil scoots closer, ready if Logan needs to lean against him again. “Despite the fact that your role is Logic, no one expects you to be entirely logical. You are a person, you have feelings and emotions, and they are as much a part of you as Logic is. Trying to deny that isn’t logical, nor productive. The reason you are who you are is equally due to both of those things.”

He softens his voice as Logan leans toward him again, smiling at how shamelessly Logan is asking to be comforted.

“And that’s why we care about you,” he mumbles, ignoring the heat rushing to his own face, “because you’re you. You’re…prissy and stuck-up and a know-it-all and it’s perfect, L. You’re our braincell and you’re fucking ours. You’re—you’re not going anywhere.”

Logan’s arms still grip the pillow tightly even as his head nudges its way under Virgil’s chin. Virgil smiles and lets him, only realizing he’s absentmindedly nuzzling Logan’s hair after a minute.

The others will be fine. Logan just needs a moment to check out.

Roman, on the other hand, fucking sucks at letting himself ask.

And yeah, Virgil’s not too proud to admit he still feels sick at how much he’s fucked that up for him. But he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try and fix that now.

Princey’s gig as Creativity isn’t misplaced; Virgil’s equal parts impressed and dismayed at how well Roman’s managed to get himself what he needs without directly asking for it, be it a favor, a piece of feedback, or a conversation.

The one thing he can’t do that with is touch.

Roman needs physical contact like he needs water. He may run hotter than a goddamn furnace but he somehow manages to look cold. Watching him sit himself apart from everyone else hurts now, especially when Janus comes and confesses that he can hear how much Roman tries to insist that he doesn’t need affection from the others.

So, they built a system. Some with Roman’s knowledge, some without. Roman goes to them for comfort when he needs it, but sometimes, when he really needs it, it’s up to them to figure out just how much.

Remus knows his job when it comes to this. His brother is Roman and you don’t get to be a Dark Side without Janus as a dramatic caveat. He’s well-versed in blackmailing self-sacrificing idiots into taking care of themselves.

Remus finds Roman when Roman’s sitting alone, off to the side, staring out into the expanse of the Imagination. He sits down, brushes their shoulders together, and frowns when Roman apologizes and shifts further away.

That’s the first indication.

He suggests they go bother Patton, or sneak out to the field and practice cliff jumping. If Roman’s alright, he’ll roll his eyes and propose an alternative, or agree and they’ll scamper off. But instead, he smiles softly and says no thank-you, politely inviting Remus to stay if he likes, but he’d rather not move.

That’s the second indication.

The third one comes when Remus carefully—really carefully—prods at Roman to see how obvious Roman’s dazed state is. He’s barely there.

Time for reinforcements.

Who gets called depends on who’s around. Since Remus is usually the first one in the chain—although that responsibility does get bounced around—everyone else’s schedules make absolute consistency difficult.

Today, it’s Janus.

He sits on Roman’s other side, pressing their shoulders together. If he’s alright, he’ll lean into him, or at the very least, tolerate it. His presence is strong, enough to coax down his shields and that’ll be the end of it. But today, he scoots away from him too, another apology on his lips.

They exchange a look over Roman’s head.

No one banters quite like Remus and Janus, and sometimes that’s all it takes to pull him out of his head. Sometimes it’s an offer to go flounce around an abandoned castle, and there’s a small smile on his face as they leave.

Not today.

As a last resort, Janus reaches out and gently calls to him.

“My prince, are you alright?”

Sometimes it’s enough.

Not today.

“Alright,” Remus declares, getting up and clapping his hands, “time to pull out the big guns.”

Sometimes he’ll get up and walk with them, sometimes he won’t. He has carried him through the Mindscape before, but it was only once. And that was when he couldn’t actually move and they’d had a murmured conversation where he gave him permission to.

Today he gets up and follows them, confused as to what’s going on. They march him straight to a door and Remus knocks on it.

“Roman’s upset,” he says as soon as the door opens.

Virgil smiles and steps aside, letting him come in. Sometimes it’s a waiting game, sometimes Remus pushes him inside. But today, Roman bows his head and walks inside, letting Virgil close the door behind him.

Sometimes it’s a protest. Sometimes it’s a: ‘this really isn’t necessary,’ or a ‘do we have to do this?’ When that happens he indulges Roman, meets every quip with one of his own until he can knock Roman off-balance with well-placed sincerity and use his distraction to steer him to the bed.

Sometimes it’s an apology. It’s an: ‘I’m sure you’ve got other things to do, I can just go,’ and he shakes his head, tells Roman he’s more than happy to spend time with him. That no, he’s not being rude, that he all but asked for Roman to come. When that happens, he normally clams up, stays quiet, until he relents and gathers Roman up into a cuddle by the door.

Sometimes it’s silence. It’s a bowed head, curled up like a frightened animal, braced for punishment. It’s the moments where the gap between Light and Dark feels uncrossable. It’s the moments where the anger is disappointment, where the frustration is indifference, until he speaks first and murmurs that no, Roman’s not in trouble, he’s not here to lecture him, he’s hurt and he wants to help, as he takes Roman into his arms.

Every time it’s a fight.

It’s knowing that he can’t win because of course, he can’t win but this isn’t something he’s supposed to win but he can’t show weakness but he won’t have a choice because it’s the slow, patient kill that speaks of nothing but kindness and care but Virgil has enough to worry about and he doesn’t get to dump all of his problems on Virgil but he knows he wouldn’t do this if he didn’t care but he cares about everyone and Roman isn’t special but he knows that doesn’t matter and he needs this but it makes him want to rip all of his skin off and start over but then he’d get blood on his carpet and that wouldn’t be very polite either—

Virgil guides him to the couch with a hand on his back, sitting him down and bringing two cups of tea to the table. He cups Roman’s hand around one to gauge how warm it is and if his fingers grow too red, he sets it aside. He sits next to him and carefully reaches out.

Here she is, sitting right next to him, and yet he’s almost nowhere to be found.

He needs to relearn how to ask for comfort, for reassurance, for what he needs, but the wait hurts them both.

I’m trying, I’m trying, I promise, I’m sorry—

It’s alright, I’m right here, just ask, that’s all.

When he finally reaches out, Virgil snaps and bundles Roman into his arms. He tucks Roman up against his chest, letting him wind his arms as tightly as he needs to, guiding one leg, then the other, over his. Roman lets out a little whine as he tucks his face into the crook of his neck. He cards his fingers through Roman's hair and smiles as the poor prince melts into his arms.

The familiar protective instinct swells up and Virgil finds himself wanting very much to wrap him up in his hoodie and keep him safe from the universe.

He keeps his breathing even, hoping his heart doesn’t begin to race from the need to protect the Roman. This is for Roman, this is what he needs, to chase away the worries of the world and be safe.

Sometimes they fall asleep like that. Sometimes Roman needs to cry and he hushes him tenderly. Sometimes he seems convinced that if either of them lets go they’ll fly apart.

It doesn’t matter.

If he feels the safest with Virgil’s arms around him, his head on his chest, his heartbeat in his ear, the world could be on fire and he would not leave his side.

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goji-pilled · 3 years

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Okay @princekirijo you want an essay? Well here it is now, or as I like to call it Felix's "Asumari is great and this fandom has no fucking taste" rambling and infodump. Congrats fellas, thanks to Prince you ALL get an asumari essay. But before that I'll try to give you a rundown of Mari and Asuka.

(I'm also so sorry for putting this long ass post on everyone's dashboard)

(Spoiler warning for Evangelion 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time!!)

Alright on one hand we have Mari Illustrious Makinami. Her whole deal? She's a walking ray of sunshine, literally lol. Unlike any other character in the Evangelion franchise she doesn't suffer from her trauma, she's quite literally the only healthy and functioning human being, she's just slightly leaning towards "batshit crazy" with the stunts she pulls 🤷‍♂️. Other than that she just loves living, she loves being with people, she keeps moving forward, stays positive and decides to live life to it's fullest even after she experiences loss and multiple apocalyptic events (Second Impact, Third Impact, etc.) and she really just embodies the joy of living. That's all there is to her, or at least all we know.

On the other hand, we have Asuka Langley Shikinami who is... well it's hard to explain what she is to be honest. She's part-German and part-Japanese and part of a line of clones specifically made with the purpose to pilot an Evangelion and later on be used as a sacrifice to trigger another Impact (ITS COMPLICATED I KNOW-) Asuka is, unlike Mari, very much suffering from her trauma. She doesn't have her parents and has a very deep seated belief that she's completely alone, which she says doesn't matter as long as she can pilot the Eva. She also very much wants to fight and kill angels all by herself, and it's seriously messing with her when she can't achieve that.

Now we get to the more interesting parts (hopefully this so far wasn't too confusing, then again it's Eva and even I can't fully wrap my head around it all LMAO)

In the second Rebuild movie (Evangelion 2.0 You can (not) advance) we get introduced to both of them, Mari's introduction scene (in the original English dub) has her pilot an Eva and singing about how she'll take the world on by herself, while in the third movie's (Evangelion 3.0 You can (not) redo) opening scene she's piloting the Eva again but this time it's together with Asuka (in her own Unit 02 though) and during that Mari sings about how wonderful it is not to be alone. It's nothing big yet, but it's a really cute detail me thinks,,, you know what else I love about them? They bicker and they banter and it's genuinely so fun to listen to shskdhsuwj

(For a quick catch up: During the end of 2.0 Shinji (the protagonist) triggers another apocalyptic event, the Near Third Impact, and was only stopped due to Kaworu (the guy in my pfp) stepping in. Also between 1.0/2.0 and 3.0/3.0+1.0 are about 14 years (without Shinji bc he's like comatose) where A LOT happens AND we learn in 3.0 that Eva pilots don't age physically bc of "The curse of the Eva"... honestly Eva is wild lmao)

Okay okay I'll get back to it!

So one thing that happens is that Asuka during 2.0 develops a crush on Shinji (girl why-), unfortunately things take a turn for the worse. Asuka had volunteered to be the testpilot for a new Eva (Unit 03), she seemed happy at the time and it was a really sweet build up with the "I can smile, I didn't know I could still do that."-line. And then? Then it turns out the Ninth Angel had infected Unit 03 (Angels are basically the Kaijus they fight using Evas btw). The thing goes on a loose and Shinji is forced to fight it (With Asuka inside mind you), he refuses and his father uses an autopilot to destroy Unit 03. And boy did it destroy the angel, well it and it crushed Asuka between its jaws (you can actually hear her scream btw haha pain :)).

Asuka survived though, but the whole incident cost her her humanity and she ended up becoming an angel herself/she took the place of the Ninth. But despite that, there's one person who keeps believing in Asuka's humanity, who fiercely believes Asuka is still a human and tells her as much.

Yep, that one person is Mari and she keeps holding onto that belief until the very end when Asuka uses her last resort, which is using the power of an angel (Doing so was a guaranteed death sentence btw). Mari's own words (in the German dub) were, "Princess, you're giving up being human…" AND IT MAKES ME SO EMO GOD FUCK

While I'm at it, Mari and Asuka are a fucking killer combo as a team. They rely on each other for support in combat, listen to the other's orders and advice. Especially in Asuka's case it's kind of a big deal that she so openly relies and counts on Mari's support. Like these two trust each other with their damn lifes!!! Holy shit!!

Guess what though, they also have nicknames for eachother. Mari always calls Asuka "Princess" or "(Your) Highness" while Asuka calles Mari "Four-eyes" / "Four-eyed chrony (idk how you spell that tbh RIP" Even better though, in the German dub Asuka calls Mari "Brillerella" as in a combination of "Brille" (German for glasses) and "Cinderella",,,,Cinderella and her Prince,,,Brillerella and her Princess,,, man, that was a gay fucking move of the translation team. Spoiler: I owe them my life.

Funfact: There's exactly two times throughout the Rebuild movies where Mari uses Asuka's actual name. These two times being when she watches Asuka "die" and be used as a sacrifice for Gendo's selfish plan and when later on she begs Shinji, "So please the Princess… Asuka needs your help!" And the best part? That wasn't even the first time she did that. The mentioned line came from 3.0+1.0, but she did that too in 3.0 with the, "At least save the Princess!" line (although her tone was much more...pissed, like she was really angry lol)

Remember the crush Asuka had on Shinji? Well due to the Unit 03 incident a whole lot of other shit got mixed into that and her feelings for him in general became really bitter (understandably so). Now Mari being who she is sometimes teases Asuka about said old crush but she really does want Asuka to get closure and sort that mess out.

As an example for the teasing, in 3.0 there's a scene that goes like this (please imagine Mari with a literal :3 face while saying that):

"Unit! Are you back in the game?"

"I'm on it, your Highness. But first things first, how was our little puppy (Shinji)? Did he sit like a good little boy?"

"He's exactly the same! Same stupid face talking mayhem!"

"That goofy face of his, that's what you wanted to see? Riiiiight?"

"Shut up! I went there to bat him one!... And I feel better!"

There's also a very short bonus manga that was released in Japan for Thrice Upon a Time's release that has Mari trying to convince Asuka to come with her on the mission to get Shinji, given everything that follows, it's just another thing to prove my point. And the final bit relating to that is this:

"Feeling better now?"

"Yeah, I do feel better."

That's the exchange Asuka and Mari have after they talked to Shinji, it's nothing special but I think it's really sweet and this time Asuka actually sounded like she was feeling better instead of when she was screaming after she nearly broke pretty thick glass with her fist (If she had hit someone with that much force she definitely would've broken something omggg #violentimpulsesgang)

To get back on track though: I already mentioned it but during the second half of 3.0+1.0 Asuka "dies" (and honestly that entire scene is worth its own in-depth post because its just one huge parallel to The End of Evangelion), the point is: You can tell that the loss of Asuka honestly hits Mari hard. Not only because of how Mari screams Asuka's name but also because of her expressions. They're pained, like really fucking pained and Mari even apologizes to her that she has to fall back due to the fact that she's injured AND because eveything is going wrong.

After the events of Evangelion 3.0 these two got seperated from eachother, Mari was with WILLE (the organization both of them are with) and on board of Wunder (the ship WILLE basically operates from) while Asuka was in a Village full of (Near) Third Impact Survivors. When they do meet again it went like this:

Asuka, barely back, comes to the door and calls, "I'm back." And within seconds of Asuka stepping into their room after the door opens Mari already runs towards her, arms wide open and she says, "Welcome back, your Highness! Good job. I missed you so much!" And she says that while she literally nuzzles into Asuka,,,like,,,what the fuck gay people real!!!

Best part? Asuka clearly has enough strength to push Mari completely away if she were uncomfortable, but she doesn't. Asuka merely wanted enough space to look at the room (because Mari managed to horde even more books lol) and play her game. During their entire renunion Mari keeps hugging her, and part of me thinks that perhaps deep down Asuka actually enjoys the feeling of physical affection.

Before we get to the last point though, let me say that Asuka and Mari have scenes in 3.0+1.0 that parallel Shinji and Kaworu's from 3.0. (Fyi Kaworu loves Shinji (yeah, like that, and 3.0 was basically them being gay as fuck for an hour) so like...do I even need to explain?

And then of course there's also this, the "Take care of yourself, Princess…" line. That is the last time Mari talks to Asuka and as much as that line alone already is so much, it's Mari's expression in particular that kills me. Because this? This soft, almost bittersweet expression she has, as she basically says goodbye? Because she knows Asuka will finally be happy and safe? It just makes me feel so much actually. Man.

In the end it's a fact that Mari loved Asuka, wether that is interpreted as platonic or romantic by someone is up to them. But it is a fact that Asuka was loved enough that someone wanted to hug her, was happy to see her, to praise her, was hurt by her loss, wanted her to be safe, that someone told her "Take care of yourself…" Asuka was really and honestly so loved that someone would tell her, "I missed you."

But Asuka? Asuka was too hurt, too wrapped up in her own head to actually see how loved she was by Mari (and other people) that she genuinely believed she's completely alone and always will be alone.

It makes the "Take care of yourself" line hit even harder to me, because it's not only Mari's goodbye, but it's a goodbye during the one time Asuka allowed herself to be vulnerable and admit what she really wanted.

And honestly? All of this? Its makes me feel so many things and I just love them so much man.

#the felix talk #IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG #HDMSGDMDGSJSGEH #3.0+1.0 spoilers

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illfoandillfie · 3 years

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I’d love a platonically blurb ab them applying to foster/adopt kids 🥺

i love you for this request but also it made me very soft and emo and how dare you

It ended up being a little less about them actually applying and more just them deciding they wanted to adopt or foster and discussing their options because i can't read but perhaps i could do an actual fic later about the process involved and them meeting their kid and stuff?? idk...dad ben makes me 🥺🥺🥺

Anyway, here's the second last blurb in my Platonically event!

Words: 1,683

Warnings: Nothing much really, discussions about children including pregnancy, adoption and fostering, a little mention of sex but nothing explicit.

“I wanna be a dad.” You weren’t surprised to hear Ben say it. You’d seen the signs. There was the way he’d befriended and doted on the adorable toddler who’d played his daughter on a TV project. Every day he’d come home and his face would light up as he talked about her – how she babbled little kid nonsense at him all day and how they’d played silly games sitting on the floor of the set while the cameras were set up around them. You’d almost expected him to bring up the possibility of having kids then but he’d surprised you and not mentioned it. You could tell he was thinking about it though which made you think about it too. It made sense to at least discuss it and see where you both stood now that you’d been in the QPR for a while and knew that it worked and that you made a good team. You asked about it one night while you were washing the dishes and Ben was drying them. “Do you ever think about kids? Like having one?” “Yeah, sometimes,” he said, bumping your shoulder gently with his, but the conversation didn’t go any further than that.

It wasn’t until about three months later that you heard him say it. It took one of his mates having a baby with his wife for Ben to bring it up. You’d gone over a couple of weeks after they left the hospital, gifts in hand (a cute little spotty onesie and soft toy elephant that he hopefully wouldn't grow out of as quickly as he would his clothes). It was a lovely afternoon, catching up with the new parents and meeting brand new baby Bertie who just stared at everyone who cooed over him. You each had a turn holding Bertie too, marvelling at how anything could have such tiny hands and such big brown eyes. Ben happened to be handed the bundle of blankets that Bertie was swaddled in as the baby began to fall asleep. He didn’t mind though. When the new father asked if he should take Bertie and put him in his crib Ben waved him off. He said he didn’t mind sitting there a little longer to make sure Bertie really had dropped off. The parents didn’t argue, a little relieved that they were able to take a break and just relax. Both of them excused themselves for a moment to get some more food and use the bathroom which left you and Ben and the sleeping Bertie alone together. Quietly you stepped towards the armchair Ben was in, sitting on the arm so you could run your fingers through his hair. “I wanna be a dad.” Ben glanced up at you as he said it, and you could see how much he meant it. “Let’s talk about it tonight,” you reached out to stroke Bertie’s pudgy cheek as Ben lent his head against your side, his attention turning back to the baby.

Neither of you mentioned it on the drive home. In fact you both specifically avoided mentioning it, though not from fear of what might be said but rather just wanting to make sure you had adequate time to go over it without rushing. Once you were inside, shoes kicked off and the kettle on, you opened the discussion. “So....a baby?” Ben nodded, as he settled into the couch, body angled towards you, “I’ve been thinking about it for a bit, it’s not just because of this afternoon but that did help. I really want kids and I think I’m at a place where I feel ready to. Is that...is that okay?” “It’s wonderful Ben. Honestly, I’ve kinda been waiting for this conversation for a while. I’ve seen you interact with kids and I knew it wouldn’t be long before you wanted your own.” He laughed and inclined his head in amused agreement, “So does that mean you like the idea?” “Yeah I do.” “Really? Just that I know you weren’t really sure about it when we first decided to be partners.” “I might not’ve been then, but I am now.” “What changed?” “Well...you, obviously.” “Me?” He seemed surprised. “Look, before we got together I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship that didn’t make me feel at least a little uncomfortable. I figured I’d be single forever and I was okay with that. I’d considered just having a kid on my own – sperm donor or whatever – but that seemed like a really hard thing to do and I wasn’t sure I’d ever want it bad enough to do that. But then you showed me that it was possible to be in a partnership that felt good and, I don’t know, I started thinking about the possibility of having a family with you, and the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea.” Ben smiled as if he was trying not to look as pleased with your answer as he felt, “So we’re doing this then? For real?” “Yeah I think so. Weird.” “Bit weird.” There was a pause as you both just sat with the knowledge that you were planning a future together, that you both wanted to go ahead with it. You never would have guessed you’d get to that point with anyone.

Ben was the one to break the moment, “How would you want to...I mean how should we...How do you feel about being pregnant?” You bit your lip in thought, “I’m not sure. Honestly, it still kinda freaks me out.” “That’s understandable.” “I mean, if it was a dealbreaker for you then I would. I’m not entirely against the idea of carrying our baby and it would mean we’d get to do the fun part of making it.” “We do the fun part a lot as is,” Ben laughed, “But it’s actually something I thought about a lot.” “The fun part? That doesn’t surprise me.” “No, the you being preggers part,” he said exasperatedly, “I knew you weren’t super keen on the whole thing so I got thinking about whether or not it really mattered to me and I don’t think it does. I think I could be just as happy with a kid that came from someone else. And,” he paused as if giving you time to prepare for what he was about to say, “I might have looked into our options for adopting or fostering.” “You did?” “Mmhmm. It’s kinda complicated so we shouldn’t rush into anything and we should probably contact some agencies to ask questions and stuff.” “How complicated are we talking?” “Well, basically, if we want to adopt I think we have to put our names down with an agency and then there’s an interview process and if they think we’re suitable candidates then they’ll put our names in the system and find us a kid. And I guess it depends on the age bracket you’re looking for. I think if we wanted a newborn we’d be more likely to get one through adoption but it might still take a while whereas older kids are a little easier to find, so that’s something we need to consider.” “What about fostering?” “It sounds even more complicated. Like adoption you put your name down and go through an evaluation process but then there’s a few different options. There’s short term fostering where we’d look after kids for a couple of weeks or months while plans for their futures are finalised. Then there’s long term fostering which is usually for kids who can’t go back home but don’t want to be adopted out of their birth families and they mostly stay with you until they’re adults. Emergency fostering is another option which is a few nights or weeks at most but it’s for kids who need to be moved quickly and you don’t always get a lot of warning about them coming to you. And like, there’s possibilities to end up adopting the kid or kids you foster depending on what they want and how it goes.” You puffed your cheeks up with air and slowly blew it out, head swimming with the sudden influx of information, “That does sound complicated.” “Yeah. We’ll really have to consider out options and decide what sort of family we want to have. I think reading about adoption and fostering made me want to do it more though. Cause like...” he paused as he tried to find the right words, “These kids are out there without good homes and I really believe we could give them that.” You noted Ben was getting a little misty eyed, blinking more rapidly to hold back the emotion, so you tried to make him laugh by nudging him and calling him a sap. But you loved seeing how much he cared. It worked a little as he chuckled softly and shrugged, “Look, either way – adopting or fostering – it's probably not going to be easy. There’s challenges involved in fostering for sure – kids with trauma we won’t be able to understand, kids who are grieving the loss of their birth families or who’ve had bad experiences with other foster carers and who struggle to trust anyone. And the kids who are up for adoption might not have the same problems, especially if they’re younger but, I don’t know, I think finding out you were put up for adoption would leave its own scars. Issues with abandonment and things like that. So I think we have to be really, really sure before we put our names down anywhere. But I also think we could properly help someone doing it, maybe more than one someone. So, if you’re up for it then so am I.” “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “What are you thinking?” More pros and cons lists?” You both

laughed at that but Ben grabbed your arm, encouraging you to leave your seat and sit on his lap instead. He wrapped his arms around your waist and tilted his head up for a kiss which you gladly gave. “I’m really happy we’re talking about this,” He almost whispered, squeezing you a little tighter. “Me too. I guess we should start by going through all our options and seeing which ones would suit us best.” "I've got some websites bookmarked and a few documents downloaded so why don't I go get my laptop and you make us a drink and we'll start working through it, okay?" "Okay,"

#my writing #my blurbs #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy imagine #platonically event #catch me crying in the club #god this was such a good prompt tho #ily L

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13eyond13 · 3 years

Note

What's your opinion on different interpretations of Light and L's characters? By saying that i mean how they were portrayed in DN Drama, Musical (let's take Japanese version) and Movies.

Personally I find the most interesting interpretation of Light in the Drama, bc he's more soft and sympathetic. I'm not saying that I would prefer him to animanga!Light (animanga!Light is still the best), but at least it's something new and fresh (also, i absolutely LOVE the scene where Souichiro learns that his son was Kira all along and Light is just split bc he can't decide whether he wants to be Kira or wants his father alive and the scene is absolutely gut-wrenching I would sell my soul for it). If we speak about Japanese musical, I don't get Light's character here? In his first song ("Where's the justice?") he sings about unjust world and how everything is "just law, not law and order, but in the next song ("Hurricane") he already sings that he's the god of brend new world? I mean, his motivation moves from "wants to help innocents" to "wants to be god bc of boredom" kinda quickly? And DN Movies, well.... They certainly made Light darker and i don't like the fact bc it feels they made him darker so he could contrast with softer L.

Speaking of L, again, the best version is animanga version and we all know it 🛐. But I think I love his interpretation in Musical too? I love these songs that show us his thinking process and I love the fact that in Musical L and Light seem to obsess over each other like in canon (yk, bc they always sing about how it would be like to see the world through other's eyes etc.). I find Drama!L to be veeeeeeeery fan-servicy, but he's still entertaining, especially when the show allows him slow scenes where he doesn't have to take his shirt off 50 times during the dialogue, but instead speaks about his ideology or relationships with other people (scenes with Near, Yagami Souichiro, Light (esp the one where he tries to make him confess). As for Movies!L, well... I just don't like him. Neither L nor Light are the embodiment of good or justice but the creators made it seem like Light is absolutely evil and L is absolutely good and this pisses me off. L lets Misa Amane go free after Rem's death even though Misa killed tons of people and he tells Souichiro that he was sorry that he couldn't save Light so I presume that he would have let him go too (even if he wouldn't, it's still dumb, bc he let Misa go). Also fans are like "awww look at him giving a candy to a crying child he would've been such a great father". I mean, I'm not against making characters softer or kinder, but even in the animanga, where L tortured people and sacrificed criminals, there's still a huge L fanbase that sees him as a completely good guy. And by making Light darker and L kinder they as well could have said "yep, we have a villain and a hero, they are complete oopposites". Idk I just don't get it.

Your thoughts?

Hi hello! I have only seen half of the j-drama, watched the anime twice, watched the musical once, and saw the Netflix movie when it first came out. And I never really liked any of them nearly as much as the manga, so that's why I always sound like a broken record about it on this blog 😆 I just think the manga is by far the best-written, funniest, saddest, and prettiest-looking version all at once.

The drama might actually be my favourite alternate version Light as well out of all the things I've seen too, because that adaptation was also funny/entertaining and sometimes sad, and it often surprised me in a good way. And yeah, drama!Light was like an entirely different character, and maybe that's why he was more interesting and sympathetic to me than just a more watered-down/cardboard version of the original complicated manga guy. I find Light often gets turned into a privileged Mikami sort of character in adaptations, rather than the oddly-chill-at-times one with the weird sense of humour he was in the manga to me. And L is just almost always made more cartoony and goofy and/or emo and somehow cast in a heroic light while simultaneously still being a shady dude in everything he does, so I haven't ever really liked L in anything else very much. I do often hear people like musical!L a lot. And I feel like a wet blanket especially when talking about the musical in the fandom, because I just didn't really like it or feel particularly moved by it most of the time. Especially when it came to L and Light and the Lawlight aspect of stuff, which was boring and lacking in chemistry to me. I found most of it too sincere and serious and somber to be entertaining, as DN easily becomes extremely tedious to me when most of the dark/goofy humour and ironic slyness is sucked out of it like that. I feel a lot of adaptations focus so heavily on Lawlight that it actually gets boring to me too, even though it's also my favourite ship. It's a bit hard to explain, but I prefer Lawlight to almost be left as this curious little unspoken background thing going on in addition to all the other interesting stuff, rather than featured as this big, obvious central element of the plot. At least outside of fanmade stuff.

My next favourite version of DN overall after the manga is definitely the anime, simply because the voice acting and soundtrack is so good. But even that is still like "why the heck would you watch the anime when the manga is right there??" to me most of the time... 😆

#ask #anon #l lawliet #light yagami #lawlight #p

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id-rather-be-an-outsider · 3 years

Text

Parkson Mystery

Kate Denson x Jake Park

word count: 1,457

summary: none of Kate’s fans know how she met him. she was single one day, and had him all over her feed the next. they tried digging into his past and discovered he was working on Wall Street, until his digital footprint all but vanished, only again popping up on the internet’s radar when the songbird he spent so much time around made their relationship public. this is the true story of how america’s sweetheart and the mystery mogul first met... and then some.

a/n: I had so much fun writing this! this story was originally posted on the DBD Amino. imma be completely honest w u, I have NOT been a fan of Kate. I like using Boil Over when in swf and I enjoy the Horse Gorl™️ vibes but like. idk. ANYWAYS. as I wrote this story I actually made a bunch of personal headcanons and can now say, Parkson is an official ship for me! I can totally vibe w the dynamic they have in my head <3

masterlist

Jake Park wasn’t ashamed to admit he’d picked up a taste for country music after having an existential crisis; in fact, he wasn’t even ashamed to admit he’d become an avid fan of Kate Denson - not a stan, though. Sure, he followed her on his private Instagram, but that wasn’t to lurk on her sexy photoshoot pictures, it was just to keep track of release dates for her albums. Granted, it never is hard to admit things when you don’t have friends to admit them to in the first place.

Every now and then he’d wonder if he should stop being such a stiff and just call one of his old work buddies for a steak dinner, but a quick scroll through their text history would remind him why he left the world of Wall Street behind to begin with. Materialism pales in comparison to the simple things in life, he’d tell himself. His baser instincts had always told him life wasn’t meant to be complicated, which is why he shoved those instincts down for years.

But Kate’s music - the songs of America’s sweetheart - reminded him of what an uncomplicated life was. Hard, rewarding work all day, and well-deserved rest at night. So much more peaceful than the never-ending rat race of the big city. Her music spoke to his soul in ways nothing ever had before, calmed his spirit. It made him realize how lost he was. So, he ditched the concrete jungle in favor of the real deal. Now all he ever dreamed of was thanking the young star who set him on fire again, giving him a new lease on life.

When he heard she was touring in his city, he felt excitement seeping into his very essence. Finally, the chance he’d been hoping for. He supposed she would be bashful, tell him he did more to turn his life around than she did. She gave off that vibe, at least. But Jake knew the truth, and he hoped he might find a kindred spirit in her. He pulled out an old business suit, perfect for a rare night on the town, brought his expensive car out of the garage acting as its tomb, and purchased a VIP ticket.

He was the last person in line. When he got to the front, he was almost speechless at the sight of her - almost. He managed to get out, “Miss Denson, your music saved my life.” The star laughed shyly, like she was used to a different kind of person saying those words to her. Probably fourteen, wearing braces, just having gone through their emo phase before getting back in touch with their roots. All the kids go through them these days, after all. Even a little cousin of Jake’s did a few years back. While he pondered this, he couldn’t help but also ponder how her laugh sounded like wind chimes. How is it that musicians always sound so magical?

As Jake mused, Kate said something he couldn’t quite hear and began to walk away with her security detail, agent in tow. “Wait!” He called out, and she turned back to face him. He could tell her agent was thinking he was just a crazed country boy super fan. “What if I told you that your music is the reason why I walked away from Wall Street?”

Kate smiled, a little confused. “I’d say that explains the accent. What’s your name, mister...?”

“Park. Jake Park, to be exact, but you can call me Jake, if you’d like.”

She laughed again, this time with confidence unlike before, demeanor changing from wary to businesslike. Or... something else. Jake couldn’t quite place it. “Well, Jake, I have a burning question for you: Why would my music make you give up a career like that?” She broke away from her entourage to come closer.

“We could discuss it over dinner, if you’d like?” Jake offered, the old swagger from his uptown days making a guest appearance. Sure, he wasn’t working numbers under uppity snobs to get a bigger Christmas bonus anymore, but he still knew how to play poker. If Kate’s eyes were of any indication, his gut told him he may have just been dealt a winning hand.

Kate accepted before her agent could intervene or protest, his eyes turning into slits. Probably worried Jake’s background with money and marketing could put him out of a job. Maybe he was right. “I’d love to get to know my most interesting fan. Might as well put that Wall Street money to use, huh?”

“Sure thing, darlin’.”

Since that day, their relationship as business partners, friends, and eventually more, blossomed. Kate dropped her greedy agent and management team for the generous man who became her best friend. Jake used his book smarts and savvy money skills to help lower Kate’s touring costs, made her performances more accessible to *all* of her fans, and helped her rake in extra profits from her music releases *and* with cheaper marketing. She spent less time in the studio and more time with him on their back porch as he sat and listened to her beautiful creations.

Truth be told, meeting Jake helped save Kate. Her old team had been stripping the life from her creativity, pushing for numbers rather than quality content. Having Jake work with her personally made everything so... simple. Working from home when making music, waking up to the sun dappling her skin through the the leaves of the trees, feeling the breeze on her face and his kisses on her fingers - it put the inspiration back into her music.

Her fans seemed to notice too, and they seemed to get a kick out of her sharing more about her life online, making theories about their relationship. Jake and Kate would scroll through the subreddit comments and laugh at the crazy ideas everyone had. Jake hadn’t laughed like that with someone in a long time. He hadn’t had a sense of humor in a long time, either.

When his family came calling, lecturing him about dropping his old career and this and that, he invited them over for dinner... and showed them that his and Kate’s retirement funds were already completed when she wasn’t looking. Their qualms ended after seeing the financial security they had, and seeing how calm Jake’s home life was. Sure, it was a strange change, but for once, Jake was happy, and seemed fulfilled. They didn’t always understand everything, but they understood enough.

Eventually, they visited Jake’s family in Korea, had their quiet wedding, nothing crazy, just something for family and close friends and nice rings, and did some remodeling with their own bare hands to create a cute nursery, complete with musical instruments and stuffed animals. When the delivery date came, Jake was a mess. He knew his wife would handle it like a champ, but his nerves were still through the roof. The labor came and went easily, and they came home with a beautiful baby girl.

“What are you going to call her?” Kate’s mother cooed as she obsessed over the newborn.

“Jake was thinking Yu-Hwa, and I was thinking Grace. He said I could have the first name if he had the middle name.” Kate mused. Jake was outside working on building a playground for their daughter. He’d insisted on getting an early start, arguing that his mother said time flies when raising a baby, no matter that their child was only a week old.

“Grace sounds beautiful. It matches your names, too. Oh, I’m going to have *so* much fun spoiling this little girl!” The new grandmother whisper-squealed, not wanting to wake the baby. “When are you going to have more?”

Kate laughed. “I told you mom, we just want the one.”

“For now.”

“For *forever,* mom.”

“What’s this about another child?” Jake asked, announcing his presence.

“Just Grama Denson getting a bit too ahead of herself.” Kate rolled her eyes.

Jake casually wrapped his arms around Kate, planting a kiss on her forehead before heading to the fridge to steal some lemonade. “I mean, between you and me, eomma, I wouldn’t mind making another baby, long as they keep turning out this cute.”

Kate gave him a quick flick to the forehead before he could dodge it. “Stop conspiring against me with my mother, sir. It takes two to tango.”

When the playground was finished, Kate did, in fact, gain another baby bump, watching happily as her husband helped their first waddler play outside. Grace Yu-Hwa Park and Dae-Hwan Lee Park, DaeDae for short, were lucky enough to have the best dad, Kate thought. Jake looked up at her, glowing in spite of the autumn cold, and thought the same thing.

separator images found here

#outsider writes #dead by daylight #kate denson #jake park #parkson #jake x kate #kate x jake #jake park x kate denson #kate denson x jake park #fluff #dbd #dbd fanfic #dbd moodboard

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪 like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

#JudeJournals

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powermetalhag · 4 years

Text

Digging Deeper

@alienfuckeronmain tagged me in this massive tag meme (Thank you!! I love doing these things). If I tag you, feel free to ignore this if you don’t feel up to doing it/reading it. If you aren’t tagged and want to be, feel free to just say I tagged you ❤

I tag: @flowerkitten @meemimajima @darlingdear @wizards1977 @violet-tea @lickthatbattery @lusamine @misfit-on-a-journey @lampshroomomg @cyrsed @wooden-duck @wildbayou @curse-you @ghostly-rowlf @icedchailatte @oni-lover

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? black

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? City

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? I’d love to be able to sing and metal-scream really well. I’m trying to learn but I practice pretty inconsistently and it’s an uphill battle bc I don’t have much natural aptitude for it. Also it would be really cool to be a contortionist.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? I don’t drink coffee. Sometimes I sweeten tea, sometimes I don’t.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? I didn’t like reading books much as a child. When it came to reading novels, my reading comprehension was pretty below average (I think I posted about this ages ago, but when I tried to read Harry potter when I was 7 I couldn’t follow it at all. I somehow thought that Harry and Hagrid were the same character and that Hagrid was just the name for Harry’s Wizard self. My concentration just wasn’t there). I read a lot of manga though. I think my favourites were fushigi yuugi, saint tail, and miracle girls.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? showers.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Hobbit

8. Paper or electronic books? I prefer paper books, but I mostly use electronic ones.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? my cloud-print long sleeved mesh shirt

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I used to want to change it, I don’t anymore.

11. Who is a mentor to you? I don’t think I have one

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? I like the idea of creative projects of mine becoming a little bit known, but I’d never want to be famous.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Not really

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? I’m probably less romantic than the average person, but in the right situation I can be.

15. Which element best represents you? I associate myself with fire (bc I'm a leo) but in some ways water or air might better represent me. Idk.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? Honestly? Pretty much all of my friends. My life is complicated and the severity of my ocd makes me keep everyone at a distance more than I’d like to.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? Everyone who I haven’t seen since quarantine started.

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. As young kids my sister and I hated Tracey Sketchit from pokemon so passionately that we would draw his face on the bottom of our feet before going to jump on the trampoline so that we could feel like we were jumping on him

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? When we were little my sister and I would sometimes eat raw dried spaghetti dipped in vegemite when there was no other easy snacks in the house. We called them cardboard sticks. (The food situation in my house wasn’t dire or anything, we were just too lazy to make a sandwich or something lol)

20. What are you most thankful for? I am thankful for the people I have in my life and for the amount of stability i’ve been able to have in my life in recent times.

21. Do you like spicy food? I do, but if I eat it often enough to increase my tolerance to it I get bad reflux. So I remain a spice wimp who can only have mild.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Zakk Wylde, Chris Lilley, and some guy who was on Blue Heelers. Also I spoke to Tracy Grimshaw on the phone once. Meeting Zakk Wylde was funny because I was REALLY weird and embarrassing.

(Long story ahead, feel free to skip) Basically, my friend and I were 16 and wandering through the city high on acid. We saw Zakk standing near Hungry Jacks and became completely captivated by him. We had no idea he was some big famous rockstar, we thought he was just some random guy. I cannot convey to you how intense his presence felt at that time. It was like he was everything that is and ever will be metal but congealed into a human being and magnified by 2000x. (in case you don’t know him, he looks like this)

We were so high that we were very in our own world and felt like we were the only ones who really existed and that everything else was just kinda there for us to observe. So we started following him and discussing him as if he couldn’t hear every word we were saying.

I remember us being like “He’s the most metal thing i’ve seen in my life” “He’s like Neptune, king of the sea, but a brutal version” “He’s the raw original concept that all other metalheads were disseminated from. He’s the true, the original.” It made sense at the time that he could be the origin point of metal and the first ever metalhead because time and space felt like it existed in a looser way than usual. We were really fixated on the idea that metal was invented through his very existence as a direct expression of self, then people copied him, then people copied those people and so on. The further they got from the source (Zakk) the more diluted the essence became. That’s why being around normal metalheads wasn’t as viscerally overwhelming as being in the presence of the raw undiluted concept. We concluded that no metalheads were actually expressing themselves through their subcultural identity. Unknowingly, they’re just expressing him. And we were saying all of this while walking maybe a metre and a half behind him while he ignored us.

Eventually some of the people he was with noticed we were following him and started talking to us (they may have been members of Black label society or they may have just been friends of his, idk). They were friendly and said that they used to do acid when they were younger too and invited us to get drunk with them. We said yes and walked with them for a little. I don’t think Zakk said a word to us the entire time. He probably found us annoying. But we kept staring at Zakk and getting overwhelmed by how intense it was just to be in his presence. Then me and my friend abruptly turned and left without saying anything because being around Zakk was getting to be too much. It was like a sensory overload. As we walked away we barely heard them yelling back to us “something something something ZAKK WYLDE!”. I was familiar with the name but I’d never known how he looked. I googled him a few days later and learned that it was indeed Zakk Wylde who we met and that he’d been in Brisbane with black label society.

And that’s the story of how I passed up the once in a lifetime opportunity to get drunk with Zakk Wylde because his vibes were off the charts.

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? No. Kinda wish I could, but the habit doesn’t stick.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? Pencil

25. What is your star sign? Leo sun (Virgo cusp), Scorpio moon, Sagittarius rising.

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Crunchy

27. What would you want your legacy to be? I’d like to have a positive effect on the people in my life and leave art behind that people might enjoy or relate to (I use the word art loosely, I mean any kind of creative project). I think I've become more aware recently of how important that is to me, which is why I've been so uncharacteristically dedicated to finishing my comic.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I like reading books but I don’t always have the attention span for it. I tend to read more non-fiction than fiction. The last book I read was Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, and Emo. A really great book if you want to learn about emo history. The only downside is that it was published in 2003, before emo really took off in the mainstream. Had some insightful things to say regardless.

29. How do you show someone you love them? Idk I can’t think of a concise answer for this. I think it varies depending on who it is and what our dynamic is. When I took that love language test it said my love language was quality time.

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? I don’t like it in water. It’s fine in most other drinks.

31. What are you afraid of? I don’t think I can answer this without oversharing or getting too bleak

32. What is your favourite scent? I like tropical scents like mango and coconut

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? By their name

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I’d buy a house with my sister and I wouldn’t have a job but I'd volunteer and do freelance creative work. I’d donate a lot more and help people out more. I’d learn lots of new skills and make lots of art. I would have an amazing wardrobe too.

A kinda sillier dream is that I'd start a cheerleading team where our routines are exclusively to metal songs. As well as entering competitions, we would also be an opening act for bands (in this dream i’m much better at cheerleading than I currently am). It would be cool ok

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean.? Ocean. I miss going to the beach so much

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? See if someone dropped it. Then idk, would depend on my financial situation at the time.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Yes

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? I’m not going to have children. I’d like to be a good influence in my friend’s children’s lives though.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Probably some old-school gradient style neopets art (maybe an aisha) or 90s tamagotchi art or a cool wizard. I’d get it on my thigh. I’m very unlikely to ever get a tattoo though

40. What can you hear now? The hum of my computer. It’s old and loud and on its way out

41. Where do you feel the safest? In my bed at home with my cat Luna or hanging out w my sister

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? Once coronavirus is less of an issue (which may be in the near future where I live), I’d like to try and push myself to start dating again. I haven’t done that in a long while. The limitations that ocd causes me makes it hard for me to imagine a relationship-- even a casual one--being workable. But I ought to at least try before I decide that. Sometimes things turn out to be easier than I think they’ll be 🤷‍♀️.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? This is so hard!!

If this is purely for enjoyment and not to change the past, i’d probably just want to see all my favourite bands live while they were in their prime and like, cry the whole way through because I am so moved.

44. What is your most used emoji? :) or :/

45. Describe yourself using one word. I’m really bad at questions like this

46. What do you regret the most? Eh, that’s a bit personal. I feel like i’ve overshared enough in this thing.

47. Last movie you saw? Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

48. Last tv show you watched? Degrassi the next generation

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. Idk

If you’ve read this far ty!! Here’s a little sheep for your trouble

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secretagentspydetectiveninja · 5 years

Text

hey so remember like last year when i was re-reading misadventures and fixing typos? (well, i say that, but it was just an excuse to re-read it and write some absolutely absurd commentary on it...) i found old notes in my phone from january with even more so guess i may as well post it because people seemed to find it funny at the time, it’s basically just The Misadventures of Aish Realizing Things though

[yeah so here’s the original notes i’m not even gonna change anything even though lots of Lore has happened in the show and we Know things now, you just get to see what january aish typed]

ok well let’s go then chapters 31-35 oh god

oh yeah the ML Blackout! I remember that

hm it’s occurring to me maaaaaybe I should post a bit of a warning on this chapter. like “yes this starts off stupid and cracky and fluffy but takes a complete 180 in the middle and you will end up sobbing.”

or maybe I should put that as a disclaimer on the whole fic cause it’s one hell of a ride

THE AROACE SCIENCE JOURNAL YESSSSSSS THAT COMES BACK LATER

yeah the reason why the early parts of this chapter are very lighthearted is honestly because the fic was getting a bit too bleak, I needed something cheerful, so paper planes and arm wrestles it was

wait... isn’t this just that scene from Anansi??? where like Nora challenges Nino to an arm wrestle but then he wins because Someone Else Nearby Did A Thing

also this is Peak characterization, damn Aish, you rly outdone yourself, congration

any time I drop the word “inkling” into a fic it is always 100% a splatoon reference

MAX WOW TONE DOWN THE GAY

heh... BI-ceps...

oh my godddd Max trying to play off his ogling as “ah yes I am scientifically studying Kim’s arm muscles ofc, it’s science I swear” is SO frickin funny I’m already losing it

Alix: “scientifically speaking I’m hot therefore you have to lose this arm wrestle” hshdhdghshskkjkdhshs

^literally the kind of nonsense every single teen I know spouts irl

including me when I was a teen, I just said things

(I still just say things)

you can’t bring up the sports bra thing goddammit, I agree it’s cheating because it has the power to one-hit kill anyone in the vicinity

I love how Max thinks his crush on Kim is “under control” while like. visibly swooning over him

OH MY GOD THE PILLOWS SHHDJDHDHDHSKHS

OKAY SO LIKE I was supposed to put the thing about Kim snogging a pillow in chapter 20 but I forgot or something and then I just had to get it in somehow, oh it kills me dead just thinking about it, I’m dying, I’m dead

and the fact that he admits to it as well, holy moly

KIM

K I M

THAT’S GAY

OH WOW

this is the moment when Alix’s Kimax shipper heart was suddenly feeling validated like “omg wait Kim DOES like Max??? like for real??????”

awwwww Kim, Max doesn’t have those kind of superpowers, you just have a crush on him that’s all <3

THE SKATEBOARDING SNEK!!!!!!!!!!!!

“What the heck is that?” “My snake.” DYINGGGG

Kim trying to figure out if the snake is sitting or standing is a whole mood

ohhhhhhhh my gosh poor Alix trying so damn hard to subtly ask Kim if he likes Max and Kim’s just. so DUMB he doesn’t even get it no matter how obvious she is

she’s even trying to pull out those stupid amatonormative “so is he MORE than a friend???” questions just to get this idiot to figure it out because she knows allo-romos are Like That and he still doesn’t get it,,

[future aish says: the word is alloro, past aish. it’s alloro]

AND SO NOW SHE ASSUMES THEY’RE NOT INTO EACH OTHER BECAUSE SHE THINKS EVEN KIM CAN’T BE THAT STUPID

YOU UNDERESTIMATE HIS STUPIDITY

oh no... oh NO.... the letter.... here we go....

btw yes Gabriel had Kim’s grandad assassinated, it was indeed his doing

...isn’t this lowkey the plot of The Lion King?

or Long Live The Queen

hmmm let’s just say in the sequel poor Kim really will have to deal with the stresses of ruling a country >:D

NO MY POOR SON HAVING A BREAKDOWN, I WANT TO HUG HIM

(also can I just say like... this chapter is actually well-written for the most part? I’m actually kinda impressed)

unfortunately I know the feeling of wanting, needing to return home, but it fills you with dread... *hugs Kim forever*

Kim crying all over Max both hurts me and sort of heals me because Max is so sweet and comforting about it ohhh my heeeaaart

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

THIS IS LOWKEY A LOVE CONFESSION I SWEAR, IT’S SO CUTE

chapter 32 being called “Un chat noir” is kinda dumb af but also it just so happened that I accidentally had the chapter called “Coccinelle” be chapter 64, aka exactly double of 32, so that was kinda neat

Plagggggg!!!!!!!!!!

and Wayhem lol, I think I’ve already mentioned how originally this noble was just some random irrelevant unnamed OC until I decided way later it’s gay stalker fanboy

oh yeah that’s how the nobility recognize the royalty, I forgot lol

(also nobles from countries with widespread newspress or tv will recognize them from news reports and stuff I guess)

the fact that Plagg just hates Wayhem is funny to me for some reason

MISADVENTURES

HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY THREW IN THE ACTUAL WORD

except it was in reference to Adrien... let’s just say that The Misadventures of Imperial Prince Adrien may or may not make an appearance in the sequel >:D

...the Adrienette is literally just in this fic so that people would read it, ngl

hhhhhhhhhhhh okay it’s true Alix is an aro idiot who doesn’t know anything about romance but for once she’s RIGHT, Kim IS in love with Max, but she assumes she’s wrong hshgshdjhdnsnsh

oh my god noooo timeline twin go away and stop giving me nightmares

I still love how they hate each other, that’s some top-notch self-hatred right there and I need to get on their level

[future aish note: no past self!! be nice to yourself!! you are a cool bean!! own it!!]

YOU FOOL... EVERY CLASSMATE WOULD TAKE A SWORD TO THE HAND FOR ALIX, WHY WOULDN’T THEY

ỳïķèš,,,

honestly I probably should stop being lazy and actually go back to like idk chapter 8 and put in an actual monopoly game (it had to have been before the oracle sessions in ch10 at least)

fun fact!! I have indeed very nearly had a fist fight over the last dark blue card in a monopoly game!! also I blatantly cheated, and the main opponent locked someone else (an 8 year old btw) in a cupboard... it was Wild(TM)

me and my irl friend actually came up with the butterfly thing when we were at the cinema once, she made up this random angry gardener OC who stepped on a butterfly after being fired or something lol

I mentioned Rose liking unicorns!!!! before Captain Hardrock!!!!!!!

shdhdhkshs Alix is such a moody emo brat in this fic I adore it

“The only real difference between you and me is one dead butterfly.” goddammit that’s the creepiest fucking thing, I’m genuinely shaking

technically it’s a butterfly’s fault for ALL the timelines which means that we’re all one butterfly away from death at any moment

cheerful stuff

no, no, you’re not trying to block it out on purpose... I’M trying to block it out on purpose bc I’m highkey shamelessly projecting

god I wish my timeline twin would manifest in the astral plane and punch me in the arm too

“Count yourself lucky you’re not a pillow, idiot.” in-context this is contender for Most Cursed Line I Have Ever Written In My Life

and yes Alix was about to straight-up swear

Mylène rollerskating is extremely blessed and good

pfffffffff Max you coward, I stand on swivel chairs all the time

*me, chanting at the spider in my room* KIMAX! KIMAX! KIMAX!

Kim literally making every excuse to not put Max down is amazing honestly

Kim and Max’s origins story is sooooooooooo cute wtf

THIS IS SO BLESSED OH MY HEART

HE’S JUST STANDING THERE CUDDLING HIM I’M

DECEASED

I,,,, swear to god,,,,,,,

so like. I know it’s now canon in the show that Kim really is as oblivious to his feelings as I wrote him in this. but MY GOD. IT’S FRIGGIN PAINFUL

KIM YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH MAX, FULL HOMO, THAT’S WHY YOU’RE FEELING LIKE THIS, IT’S NOT THAT COMPLICATED DAMMIT

oh yeah I wrote the kimax bits rly early and my old url was @queenkubdel haha

aight now a no-kimax chapter, but at least it’s a goodun

there’s that catradora-esque weather girls frenemyship again

Kim having a full-on breakdown when he finds out Alix’s hair isn’t really pink is actually really blessed, no lemme explain

so this universe has magic, right?? so he thinks to himself that the reason his friend has pink hair is because she must be some sort of anime protagonist or Really Important and Cool or something, and it never even occurred to him to doubt her

in other words he’s betrayed because he WANTED HIS FRIEND TO BE A COOL SHONEN HERO

which is both hilarious AND very sweet

...oh wait I’ve scrolled down and it turns out I literally explained all that in the fic itself hhdgjdvzjdjhs

and yeah honestly I can’t blame poor Kim for taking it so badly, he’s still reeling from his grandfather’s assassination so it’s natural his emotions are not exactly Regulated atm

actually when are his emotions ever regulated

1703-1899 hm... might change that since the fic takes place in 1957-1960 so even though it’s a commissioned history of the empire it was before Gabriel was even born so like why would he even care lmao

“Great Western Ocean” so pretentious, just say the Atlantic omg

I’ve been playing way too much civ because the first thing that came to mind was that everyone’s denounced Agreste due to the high warmongering penalties of the industrial/modern eras

Chloé and Kim is one hell of a brotp okay I still firmly believe that

also Chloé still loves her rococo fashion, she’s just toned it down enough that she can fit through doors and it’s not quite as “in your face” towards commoners

listen I know in the show Kim still liked Chloé for a while after Dark Cupid but in this he got over her quicker because his crush on her wasn’t as deep in the first place

Kim literally tells Chloé he gave the brooch to Max and yet STILL doesn’t realize he likes him!!! KIM!!!!!!!!!!

Chlodemption arc yesssssssss

also she’s a lesbeean

(ye Pollen will be in the sequel don’t you worry)

god I’m so proud of her <3

it feels believable too, so I’m proud of myself!! (I’m trying to be nice to myself before next chapter where I will no doubt roast myself so badly I’ll never recover)

outdated laws about marriage... jeez was that cursed foreshadowing or what

YES IT’S IVAN, I LOVE THIS BOY, HE’S SO GRUMPY AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME AND HE HATES KIM

...actually wait this is sibling culture

I literally speak like this to my brother and he’s my best friend so in conclusion Ivan thinks of Kim as an annoying brother

Jalil why are you a historian. just go be a psychologist and stop your sister accidentally hecking up the country

omg the Antarctica thing, I’m just imagining Jalil in the freezing cold with a massive coat on and getting chased by penguins

I love how the timeline twin’s plan was “escape school, force Adrien to get a venomous pet, then abandon him immediately in the middle of nowhere” and later on it turns out she skipped step two and just ditched him lmaoooooo

being so ace that your brain goes straight to “death and murder” before anything else is the biggest mood, I speak from experience

Jalil knows... he had that conversation with Kim in chapter 20... he Knows

“a bit unsupportive” um that is an extreme understatement good grief he was more savage than ME

RISE OF THE KIMAX SHIPPERS

oh don’t worry the venom death still haunts me too

chapter I Hate You... “A rather rotten winter party” well it should have been named A RATHER ROTTEN CHAPTER DO YOU KNOW HOW IMPOSSIBLE THIS ONE WAS TO WRITE OMG I HATE WRITING MYSELF INTO CORNERS

you see I had to have a motive for the timeline twin to explain things properly so that I could put in a really really dumb pun later but that meant I had to unfortunately suffer many allergic reactions again

[future aish note: forgot to mention, i also needed a motive for kim to stop eating chocolate forever, so i had to Curse this chapter as a sacrifice in order to save his life later on]

alright, alright, here we go, I’ll stop procrastinating and just get this over with

oh yeah it’s chapters like these that the fic’s rated T lol

the Adrikim friendship is indeed important... for later... like, plot-relevant levels of important... life-saving levels...

“some event” is the Peace Ball actually and I can’t wait because that chapter’s actually a good one

KIM BRAGGING ABOUT KISSING ADRIEN LAST YEAR IS SO FUCKING FUNNY OH MY GOD I’M LOSING MY MIND???

like last year he was LITERALLY LIKE “oh boo hoo I cannot tell anyone about this because Adrien is Ã Bøyê” and now he’s just like “yeah I kissed a hot boy and what about it???”

to be fair he is on an extreme sugar rush from all the chocolate he ate, which will... be a plot point in just a moment...

PILLOW GIRLFRIEND

I’m the amused nobles, they are me

oh my god Kim we get it you want to kiss someone (Max) and you don’t want to outright say it

holy shit do any of these kids ever think before they speak??? not to sound like the timeline twin or anything but alix... you could have avoided this if you’d bothered to use your one (1) brain cell

[future aish note: bold of me to assume that alix has a brain cell]

Kim wants to now fight his PARALLEL SELF oh my god, get on my level Kim, I want to fight my actual self like right now so there

stfu all of you, this is poisoning my liver

Max is the biggest mood and at least mildly sensible thank god, but he really shouldn’t have left those two alone for even a second

I AGREE PLATONIC LOVE IS UNDERRATED

the chair... the fucking c h a i r... I’m already lying down but I need to lie down harder just to process the absurdity of this

(I think I was gonna have Alix fall off the chair just because that’s hilarious but I forgot)

look I can’t take heartrate seriously but if you ever write it then you are legally required to put in kissing contests or you’re doing it wrong

fudgin Adrienette kiss offscreen and irrelevant

DJWIFI!!! AND ACTUAL PROPER DJWIFI!!!! I was sick of seeing it treated as some kind of pair-the-spares beta couple so I flipped the script and had them literally call out that trope while treating Adrienette as irrelevant instead, which is also why the sequel will be extremely djwifi-centric

“super swanky bae” please stop misusing commoner slang I’m begging you

THERE’S THE PLOT POINT I WAS TALKING ABOUT

Theo was right here, he witnessed with his own eyes how much chocolate Kim ate, so he knows for a fact that if you give Kim chocolate he will scarf it down without a second thought... so hypothetically if one sent him poisoned chocolates... dyou see where I’m going with this...

oh and Theo still has like every job btw

Alya!!!! no!!!!! hire him again!!!!!!!! then he won’t send the chocolates!!!!!!!!!! aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

there goes me hinting how alyadrininette is the ultimate ot4 again

...do I really wanna scroll down and keep going? no I don’t but I guess I gotta, and relive every one of my most embarrassing school sleepovers in the process

full offence to everyone bothering to read this but kissing sounds gross, actually

(for the record it was probably like... 10 seconds or something idk it was Not Long At All)

“probably not more than 5 minutes” omg I just said it was 10 seconds??? hmmm m okay like 20 seconds maaaybe, Kim just has no sense of time perception

neither do I based on my microwaving skills

SHIT THIS IS LITERALLY A SCHOOL SLEEPOVER

INNOCENT DUMBASS AROACE ASKING “what does that mean? what’s this? what’s that? it’s okay you can tell me :-)”

omg I forgot the snake was there ahshdhdkshfs I’m the snake, probably wants to launch itself out of the window so big mood

most of the fic so far had Alix being really aro so I was like damn... gotta make her really ace too

(if I ever bother writing the Kimdine AU then you actually get an aro character who isn’t ace, because we need more of them, but I won’t say who) (okay fine it’s Luka)

I tend not to be too British in my writing so as not to give the Americans heart attacks whenever they see someone referring to their mother as “mum” etc, but like... sometimes you just gotta throw in the word “snogging”

(I’m typing this out on my phone rn and it has exactly 69% battery, I hate this and also hate that I felt the need to mention that)

THE HOCKEY THING MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN BASED OFF A REAL LIFE THING. *SWEATS NERVOUSLY*

honestly I was soooooo tempted to actually write The Talk bit, it would have been the funniest thing ever, but I was also 99% sure I would have to change the rating to M (despite it not even remotely being smut lol, just a regular biology lesson) and there was no way I was doing that, pretty sure I pushed the T rating at some points as it is

[future aish: god i am still so tempted to write it. man, i’m tempted. it would be the funniest thing. but no... i have sworn not to write anything above a T rating so guess i won’t.]

YEAH THE THROWING UP THING TOO WAS DEFINITELY NOT BASED ON REAL LIFE OR ANYTHING *MORE NERVOUS SWEATING*

(it genuinely wasn’t a flowerpot though. it’s my life’s goal to throw up in a flowerpot and I still haven’t achieved it.)

all of this is an Ace Mood(TM)

also I love how elaborately I’ve worded this, like yeah idiot royal teenagers are too royal and posh to ever bother just saying the word “sex” like a normal person

to any 17 year old aces: you aren’t too young to know, I told myself that aggressively when I was 17 but now I’m 22 and I’m still just as ace as I always was sooooo yeah

I also hope I can wake up tomorrow and forget I read this trash

well tbh... it’s not total trash... it highkey reminds me of my school days, like, maybe that was subconscious or something... god who even knows

jeez if timeline twin slapped me in the face I’d just keel over and die from sheer terror, other than that that’s HILARIOUS

timeline twin: “YOU HAVE ONE (1) BRAIN CELL NOW P L E A S E CONSIDER USING IT”

fuckeninf hell listen,,, so when I was writing this chapter I didn’t know I was aro... I mean, I was kinda questioning it?? but all I knew was I was ace, and that me not knowing that as a teenager almost totally screwed me over because like

to be normal or to feel normal there’s things you do or say that you don’t want, and things you know would happen or whether you want something or not you’ll take it because you think you’re expected to, because otherwise you’ll have to confront yourself with the fact that something is wrong with you and you don’t know what or why or how to fix it

and being aro on top of that is misunderstanding how to navigate close friendships because of this fundamental fear that if you want to be close with someone then friendship can’t suffice, that how much you care about them doesn’t matter

and things I did or almost did, or had the chance to do and only stopped because (awfully enough) crippling anxiety which ironically saved me (let’s just say the dude turned out to be a creep)... yeah basically this is all a callback to that aroace teenager feel where you can’t help not being true to yourself because you don’t want to, because you don’t know what’s wrong or right, only what’s “normal” and the ache of knowing that you’re not, no matter how much you try

and I didn’t know I was aro while writing this but in hindsight it’s easy to see how that played into it too, and writing this definitely played a part in me realizing I’m aro and was somehow trying to work through some very pent-up feelings about friendship and closeness with people, as well as pent-up feelings about being ace and how that tied into everything too

...in short, do not phuck the pharaoh or you will get HOUSE ARRESTED and DIE

(jk jk she’ll just be awkward around you forever lol, and then SHE’LL get house arrested and die, because you’re not commoners so your actions actually have consequences you dumb idiots)

this entire thing is just a whole mood and lowkey my teenage years holy fuck holy fuck I hate that I’m only just realizing how bloody hard I was projecting

I literally read a post the other day about how unrequited love is only ever usually explored from the perspective of the person who’s in love, whereas aros are usually on the receiving end of it and it’s a tragedy in its own right that you might do things that wind up driving you apart because you can’t bring yourself to love them back but you can’t tell them because of the fear that it’ll push them away... and I gotta say, I totally nailed it 💪

...you know what I’ve changed my mind, chapter 34 is good actually, and now I need to make a time machine and go and hug my 17 year old self for living this, and then hug my 20 year old self for writing this, I’m sorry I was mean to this chapter it’s very relatable and I shouldn’t keep beating myself up over it

thinking makes me miserable too!! that’s why it’s optimistic nihilism only lads

impulse control, hmmm... someone who’s good for him, hmmmmmm... it’s almost like someone like that is right there and exists and is already in love with him 😏

so apparently timeline twin’s idea of “fixing her life” is burning all her bridges and then hecking off to the Kazakh wilderness for over a year

did Alix just... ask the snake if it’s aroace too???

I mean it definitely is, but...

UGH SNAKES DON’T BLINK, I’M STILL SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS

chapter 35, thank god, the title “Finally!” is very apt

(because I can finally change the music from Death Valley to something else lol)

oh poor Max, his heart goes on a real rollercoaster these few chapters doesn’t it? it’s okay buddy, in like 10 chapters you’ll get your man...

NO BUT SHE H A S FIGURED IT OUT!!! SORT OF!!!

I just misread “despite” as “despacito”, I’m going to bed and continuing this tomorrow dammit

alright I am now funky refreshed and ready to roll, let’s get this kimax party started

Max is angsting internally like “no one’s realized I like Kim :( well except Juleka but she’s a lesbian so she doesn’t count” ashgdjsghskk that mlm/wlw solidarity is holding out I see

YES ALIX YOU DO NEED TO TALK TO NATH MORE, THAT’S YOUR FREAKING BEST BUD IN THE SHOW MAY I REMIND YOU

this is all so Irony it’s murdering me dead

okay yeah I’m gonna be really honest and salty here for a second, this bit where Max is annoyed that Alix takes Nath more seriously as a contender than him was me being a bit salty over the fact that like... kimnath/tomato ketchup is a great rarepair but got so weirdly popular amongst people who didn’t seem to care about Max as a character at all despite how close he is with Kim in canon, and as a Max Stan it made me sad because he’s already not very appreciated in fandom

[future aish note: HE IS NOW BABEY!]

THERE IT IS

I WANT TO HUG MAX TOO, BLESS HIM

I also want to hug Alix because godddds I’ve been in that situation where if you were allowed to just TELL the idiots that they like each other then all their problems would be solved but noooo, you’re sworn to secrecy... *sigh*

“I’ll make sure that doesn’t change, ever...” me: *thinks about the sequel and cackles evilly while cracking my knuckles* well,,

A R O M A N T I C

listen it was VERY IMPORTANT to me that I actually put in all these actual words in the fic and made them relevant, like gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc (I think the only one I didn’t was trans, oops?? gotta remember that for the sequel, at least Nino IS trans in this even though I never said the word)

[future aish note: i feel like i didn’t say pan either, or nonbinary... more stuff for the sequel folks! i can’t put in everything but i may as well try!]

bc you see all these tv shows where a character is bi but they say they “don’t like labels” or a character with no love interest get suddenly paired up with someone random at the end... like NO I wanted to do the OPPOSITE of that bc people’s identities are IMPORTANT so I wanted to MAKE IT RELEVANT 💪

and even though I didn’t yet know here that I was aro and highkey projecting, there’s already a fair few fics dealing with asexuality but not aromanticism?? so I rly wanted to make the aro side of things important

almost relieved??? Max, you buffoon, she IS relieved, extremely

Malix friendship is good and severely underrated and I still haven’t forgiven myself for not putting more of it in this

“He was never eating chocolate again” HO-HO-HOLY SHIT THAT’S SOME FORESHADOWING RIGHT THERE

Rose is a distinguished bi who doesn’t realize Kim is a disaster bi

Kim oh my god you can’t just out Adrien “just about functional bi” Agreste like that

I love that Rose calls Kim a casanova even though he’s very much not... how many people are even into him over the course of the fic? Max, Adrien, it’s implied Marinette used to be, Lila is ambiguous, same with the lacrosse guy later, oh yeah Ondine highkey lmao along with 90% of the teenage population of Saharan Africa, Kim himself in about 2 chapters time...

Rose giving Kim the gay talk is so blessed omg I need more interaction between these two

“If you swung one way you were gay, if you swung the other way you were straight, more than one way made you bisexual, if you didn’t swing any way at all then you were probably just Alix...” I will literally NEVER be able to outdo this line, this is Peak

hmm I don’t think at any point in the fic Max says to Kim that he’s exclusively into boys... I guess he said it offscreen then lol, point is He’s Gay

OMG KIM, YOU FINALLY REALIZED WHAT THE NOSEBLEED SCENE MEANT, GOD BLESS YOU

this is like in Syren when he realizes the mermaid is Ondine and that she was trying to tell him she likes him... except this is the gay version of that

yeah Rose I really do need to get more sleep, that one was directed at me and I know it was

Kim being all like “fellas is it gay if you take off your shirt and a guy swoons at you 🤔🤔🤔”

no, no... Max is definitely a complete trainwreck at romance, just slightly less than you

god freaking dammit not the sports bra again,,, I s2g later in the fic all Ondine would have had to do is to show up in a sports bra and Kim would immediately go full ot3 mode no questions asked,,,,,,,, (I mean he does see her in a swimsuit but that’s not the same??? sports bras are in a different league okay shush)

psssssst!!! you should read heartbroken!!!! it’s a kimax fic and it’s so good!!!!! this was a lowkey shoutout!!!!!!!!

genuinely tho, even if Kim hadn’t liked Max too here, he’s being so sweet about it?? he’s worried about his poor friend’s emotional state and wishes he could have done better to help!! gahhhh their friendship/relationship is just So Blessèd

hsndhkdhdkshdh I only noticed it after finishing the fic and occasionally skimming back through, but so much of the time whenever Alix shows up Kim’s all like *ungrateful* “oh not you again” like WOW that’s one way to greet your friend?? mood tho

[future aish note: i did the exact opposite in No Romo, funnily enough! kim’s not in it much but whenever he sees alix he’s like “friend!!! friend!!!!!” and she’s just like -_- “oh it’s that guy again”]

he’s not even paying attention to her omg she’s trying to save the timeline here you idiot

POOR ALIX how frustrating,,, and also I’ve literally been there,,, the woes of being a wing-girl indeed

and now Kim wants to fight himself, why am I not surprised

aND YES HERE’S WHERE IT HITS HIM, THE EXACT FUCKING MOMENT

WHERE HE’S SUDDENLY LIKE “OH WAIT MAX’S LOVE FOR ME ISN’T UNREQUITED??? I LIKE HIM TOO HOLY SHIT????”

aaaaaaand he immediately asks the aro for love advice, why is he like this omg

gosh this is sooooo sweeeeeet

I did not let up, did I? just went ahead and made this as cheesy and cutesy and over the top as I could because It’s What Kimax Deserves

(there wasn’t rly much Kimax content yet in the fandom at this point so I had total free reign and went all-out with it)

sfjsgskdhs and there goes Alix getting her wing-efforts sidelined again

“I’m never asking out someone on a whim again. Or, uh, confessing that I like someone on a whim either.” so uh... you know how I said I’m considering making the sequel Kimaxdine? well if I do then uh. hm. this might change. because reasons.

I don’t know why I made nothing Alix ever says make sense but I’m glad I did because she’s so freaking funny

I swear I talk about Max’s eyes being “magnified in his glasses” multiple times in this fic, either that or I’m having serious deja vu

Kim’s so cute dammit!!! now that he knows he likes Max he’s just swooning over every little thing and it’s!!!! adorable!!!!!

(I wonder if this is how it was with Kimdine in the show? it does seem like Kim already liked her but just hadn’t noticed...)

huehuehuehue Kim later on you do indeed recklessly propose to Max on the spot... in like 18 chapters or so

also the fact that Kim thinks things through better when he’s around Max is just the total sweetest and also what Alix was basically trying to aim for

I love Kim showing off that he can pack all his stuff in half an hour like buddy, the porters can literally help you with that, you’re royalty remember

omg I’d forgotten I left a note here later for binge-readers!! being all like “drink water and eat food and go to sleep uwu”

lmao guess I’ll take my own advice then and leave it there for now

[future aish note: same, goodnight]

#smalluns proceed with caution. it's T rated remember #it's not dodgy though. just evil and cursed #anyway i'm going to sleep now for like 12 hours #random stuff #misadventures #if you're on the mobile app and the keep reading glitches and you have to scroll then i'm sorry #this is under a cut on desktop i promise

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alewyren · 5 years

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final fantasy!

I wasn’t sure if I should include Bravely Default or not because ohhh man I have some fuckin Thoughts, so I’ll just do one for mainline FF and one for Bravely Default.

The first character I first fell in love with:

Tidus left a strong impression on me as a kid due to the way FFX ended, and I still really like him, but I wouldn’t say I was ever in love with him. On the other hand, Fang from FFXIII turned me gay.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:

Kuja, I think? As much as I will maintain that he is the objective best FF villain until the day I die, and as much as that outfit is IC for him, it’s still, uh. Not good. It’s not even that it’s too feminine, it’s just fucking ugly, lmao. Doesn’t make for a great first impression. But god fucking damn, he is very, very good. Maybe at some point I’ll whip up a meta about him, but I’m not sure what to say that hasn’t been covered already.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t:

Sephiroth. He’s got a cool design, a great theme song (those chosen by the planet, not one winged angel), and a phenomenally intimidating presence. But the thing is, as far as FF7 itself is concerned, he’s barely a character. He’s long dead by the time of the game and exists only as an echo of the past and a manifestation of Cloud’s psychological problems. By the end, he’s more Jenova (who herself is more a force of nature than a character) than himself imo. He works because of what he represents, and the mystery surrounding him, not because of who he is. Hailing him as the “best FF villain” misses the point. I feel like Squeenix themselves don’t get what was great about Sephiroth, since we keep getting these immensely fucking bland villains like Vayne, Caius, and Ardyn that are clearly trying to recapture the Sephiroth magic by focusing on the cool factor or the relationship with the protag or whatever when none of that is why Sephiroth worked in FF7 to begin with.

The character I love that everyone else hates:

Vanille. Yeah the English voice direction was awful, yeah the noises she makes when riding her eidolon are immensely fucking uncomfortable, but she’s actually a really interesting character who deserved more time to shine, and I maintain that she should have been the protag of FF13 rather than Pink Squall. Since she has like, y’know, a much more direct hand in the entire plot of the goddamn game.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer:

uuuuuuuhhh I really don’t know. Maybe Kain. I used to think he was the shit but now I’m just like “haha, mr. friendzone at it again.” Or maybe Cloud, thanks to Advent Children taking a steaming dump on his personality in the name of fanservice.

The character I would totally smooch:

FANG. SHE IS SO FUCKING HOT GOOD LORD I’M GAY. Also Rydia. Uh, adult Rydia, that is.

The character I’d want to be like:

Fang is pretty goals, but she’s a bit more butch than I personally see myself, haha. Maybe Celes, sans heterosexuality and poor taste in dudes. She’s very cool, strong, and sexy.

The character I’d slap:

Squall I guess? Cheer Up Emo Kid!

A pairing that I love:

Kuja/Terra! I’d toyed with the idea before thanks to Dissidia 012, but NT sold me forever. There are a lot of reasons these two work so well, the most important being that their interactions are absolutely fucking precious. The reason he freed her from Kefka’s control in the first place, apart from wanting to stick it to the asshole clown, was because he empathized with her, but when she thanked him later he downplayed the hell out of it. Terra genuinely tries to reach out to him, and he’s receptive, but aloof, and acts so theatrical about it (”If that is what Her Highness wishes.”) It’s… cute? Like, they’re both pretty damn emotionally stunted due to their, uh, irregular upbringings, and there’s so much potential there! *slams fists on table* GIVE ME MORE

A pairing that I despise:

Come to think of it, I don’t think I have a single genuine notp in the entire Final Fantasy franchise. Even ships I don’t really care for, like Cecil/Rosa, Locke/Celes or Wakka/Lulu, I wouldn’t say I hate them, just think they’re lame and poorly written. I guess Kuja/Zidane? Yeah, yeah, I know, rich as fuck coming from me, but I just don’t like them romantically at all. The most important reason being that they’re ugly as sin together.

and now, the bravely default hot takes nobody asked for but that I will rant about at literally any given opportunity.

The first character I first fell in love with:

EDEA!!! I love her SO MUCH! She’s an adorable, precious ENTJ child who’s so headstrong, but naive, and so endearing. Her design (in the first game–blue is not her color) is great, and she has some of the best class outfit designs as well. She’s also the main melee bulk of the party, which I find immensely refreshing in a franchise where the girls are usually mages or rogues.

Her character arc is pretty basic, sure, but it works. For starters, she’s the best handled rebellious princess I’ve seen, in that she just flat out turns on Eternia–everything she’s ever known–with scarcely a second thought. Not because she feels trapped by the burdens of being royalty or whatever, she’s just stubborn and willful and has an iron sense of right and wrong that she’s willing to fight for above all else. Which, I mean, yeah, evil empire, but it’s not that simple. Which is why her arc is about reconciling with the fact that it isn’t all black and white, and embracing her role as eventual queen of Eternia.

The writing is pretty hamfisted, what with her literally calling things “black and white,” but she’s 15, so I’ll give it a pass. Yeah, I know the American version aged her up to make the fanservice shit less gross, but it doesn’t really work when her character is about overcoming her childish worldview, lol. Like, she’s a babbu. You can’t just change a number and make her less babbu. Her theme song is literally called “Baby Bird.” Maybe just don’t fucking sexualize characters who are meant to be read as childish in the first place? She deserved so much better than the writing she got in Bravely Second, which I’ll… get to later, but she was still an absolute delight. Did I mention she’s also hilarious? “Oops, my foot slipped.” “You just DROPKICKED ME!”

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:

Yew. I mean, I don’t love him as much as Edea, but Bravely Second was kind of a hot mess, if fun, and his arc pleasantly surprised me. He kind of had a similar arc as Edea in the first game, but in the opposite direction. Over the course of the game he gradually overcame his rich, upper class nerd privilege worldview and became Woke ™, and then used his privilege to help people. By contrast, Edea still had to go through the journey of getting past her simplistic worldview, but whereas she was quick to recognize the fact that her world was wrong and had to learn not to see things in extremes, Yew had to work to claw his way outside of that box in the first place. The plot twist about his brother was obvious as hell but like, whatever, it was fun. His mask didn’t even cover that much of his face, how did he not know,

The character everyone else loves that I don’t:

Tiz. He’s boring, not much else to say there. Except, his design in Bravely Second had me excited as hell because he looks so emo and ow the edge and I was really excited to see what they were gonna do with him, but his personality is… exactly the same as the first game? Why bring him back at all? For that matter, why kill him off in the first place? I know they were going for some meta shit, but like… why?

The character I love that everyone else hates:

Airy, but idk if that counts because I love her for precisely the reasons everyone else hates her. Even if I think the good end should have been obtained by seeing through her ruse and blowing up the crystals rather than just going along with what she says and repeating the same fucking sequence of bosses over and over…

The character I used to love but don’t any longer:

Ringabel. Mainly for shipping reasons and because I’m increasingly exhausted with the whole chivalrous pervert trope, especially when Edea was very much underage in the first game, lmao. He’s a good character objectively speaking, but a lot of his potential wasn’t capitalized on and I still don’t get how Alternis did a complete 180 from his brooding initial personality, to… that. Or why there were AU Ringabels in the ending sequence of the first game when I thought the whole point was that he was a spanner in the works who shouldn’t have been part of the party in the first place, and that’s how they managed to foil Airy? Or, it should have been, if they didn’t literally just go along with what she said until the end despite his very clear warnings that she was up to some shady shit. The final stretch of Bravely was a fucking trainwreck, nothing new there.

The character I would totally smooch:

Edea. But like, a forehead smooch, because she’s a babbu. Though she is 18 for real this time in Second, isn’t she? And she’s matured considerably by then too… hrm.

The character I’d want to be like:

Edea post-character development. She’s got her shit together, and she’s still strong-willed, outgoing, and adorable as all hecke.

The character I’d slap:

Yulyana. Fuck the quirky pervert trope, seriously. It’s not funny, it’s never been funny, and it never will be funny.

A pairing that I love:

Well, Agnes/Olivia is the only pairing that I straightforwardly ship, and I’ll never not be mad that they just, like. Forgot about Olivia in the final stretch of the game. Like they really just killed her off for shock value, huh? Okay Sure.

I like Edea/Alternis a lot too, but it’s complicated. Reading through D’s Journal during a blind playthrough left way more of an impact on me than Ringabel’s dumb flirting, but they definitely have a lot of shit to work through before they get together. They obviously both genuinely care about each other, though Edea’s got other shit on her plate to worry about rather than Alternis being a lovelorn, emo weirdo. But like, he’s not only so emotionally distant from her despite his feelings that she doesn’t even know what his face looks like, but he’s got a weird possessive streak towards her? It might be a translation thing but the phrasing “I would have taken you as my wife” is a bit. Iffy. Especially considering a. the age gap and b. she outranks him. Of course she’s having none of this shit, but I do like the idea of them both maturing, actually bonding like human beings, and getting together when they’re older, ie: when Edea is queen and Alternis has learned to accept his fate as a permabottom. Childhood friend loyalty kink is my passion, and like, while Edea is very much a take charge no nonsense lady, she struggles with personal relationships and emotions. They both do, and that’s why their relationship is so complicated and interesting. I’d love to read slowburn of them.

A pairing that I despise:

Rindea. But wait, you say! Didn’t you just write a whole paragraph on how you like Altdea? Well, yes. I do stand by that, and I enjoy the ship because of its problems rather than in spite of them. Rindea is. Not that. While Altdea is a flawed relationship that I’d love to see mature into something functional along with the characters themselves, Rindea is a disgustingly written trainwreck that shits on all that potential, as well as Edea’s entire fucking character, constantly.

I don’t hate the very idea of these two as an item. The problem is how badly said item is written. Even though Rindea has the same problematic base as Altdea, which is treated as flawed, it just completely fucking glosses over all of that, everything that actually makes their relationship interesting, in favor of generic hetero pervy slap slap kiss tsundere bullshit. Yes, Ringabel’s feelings for her run deeper than that, but that’s basically all that their dynamic, their actual interactions, amount to. And for some reason she’s into it? Like, I’m sorry, but fucking when and why did she develop feelings for him? Was it before or after she learned about his true identity? Is it because he’s Alternis or in spite of it? Hell, how did she feel about that revelation in the first place? All of that is very much worth addressing, but they LITERALLY NEVER DO.

Did she just secretly like his annoying flirting all along because no obviously means yes? Like, Ringabel still fucking carries all the baggage associated with being Alternis but the game doesn’t give a fuck! It’s overbearing and weird when Alternis comes onto Edea, but when Ringabel does it it’s peak romance! He loves her so it’s okay! And we don’t know anything about Edea’s feelings for him because the game just never fucking goes into it! It’s just assumed that she must like him back! Hey, here’s a thought! Maybe if Ringabel actually loves her so much he could respect her feelings and lay the fuck off! Oh wait, no means yes, right. And don’t even get me started on Bravely Second, jesus fucking christ. You seriously mean to tell me that, according to Yoko, my girl’s only personal damage is being tfw no bf? Nothing about the stress of ruling a nation or any of her other relationships? Nothing even about how her feelings for Ringabel might actually be more fucking complicated than dokidoki take me with you ringabel kun? Absolutely Fucking Disgusting.

Listen. I like problematic ships, but Rindea is just fucking bad, and it’s made worse by the fact that canon thinks it’s good. At this point they’ve missed so many opportunities to actually expand meaningfully on Edea’s side of the relationship that it’s a lost fucking cause and I want it to die in a fire. Good lord I hate this ship and it’s exhausting being an Edea main when it’s the entire fandom’s OTP. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

I ranted more about this ship as well as the other canon Bravely ships in this post and will probably do so again when presented the opportunity.

#motorrads #asks #ff #bravely default #unfortunately i don't have a custom tag for the bravely series. y'all are gonna have to witness my hottest of takes #come fight me #musings

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folkloreguk · 6 years

Text

Haechan as high school bf

A/N: So many people loved the one I did for Jaemin (thank you btw!) and I had a cute idea for this one so I decided to write one for Donghyuck bc he is precious!!!

genre: fluff

MASTERLIST

ooookay so idk how he is with people he crushes on at all

what I do know tho is he is a major s a v a g e

so you'd have a few classes with him

and he'd be a person you'd notice quite fast, since he isn't the most quiet tbh

I feel like he's the kinda person who would be really friendly with everyone

and he'd be able to joke around even with someone he just met

that's why he kinda knew everyone, but only had a small group of really close friends

you'd be one of the casual friends

at first obviously

also!!!

Donghyuck would be on the drama club

he'd sing and act and the drama teacher would love him

other teachers would sometimes scold him for being loud / cheeky I think??? but he would never be rude to them

okay so you'd start crushing on him very quickly

why not, right??

since he was so friendly with everyone, you'd get to know him right away

he'd make you laugh a lot and always say hi to you in the hallway, but nothing else really

but from the beginning you'd find yourself looking at his handsome features, his beautiful skin and his cute smile that no one could resist

your friends always told you to talk to him more, but then you'd always get shy

until that one day came

one of your best friends would be on the drama team too

she'd tell you they're looking for people to help backstage during their plays

and since you were really good at doing makeup (let's just pretend that, I'm actually horrible too lol) your friend wanted you to help

“Plus, Donghyuck is in the play” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

and since you had nothing to do at the time (lmao I wish) you said yes

sometimes you'd help with setting up the stage equipment, other times you helped with changing the outfits

but your main thing was the makeup

you'd have to practice the makeups a few times, especially the more complicated ones

and of course, Donghyuck had to play some wild role that required a lot of makeup

like say he's a tree (???), his face would be painted completely

(not saying he'd play a tree lmao)

so the first time you're doing his makeup you're just casually chatting and he'd be hilarious as always

you'd literally not be able to stop laughing

“I like how much you laugh at my jokes” he'd say and be really happy :)))

and after talking a few times... turns out he's not just funny but also a flirty boi???

I mean...not pick-up-line-flirty but he loves to compliment you!!

you'd be doing his makeup and have to get really close to him

he'd be staring at you because you told him not to talk

but then he'd talk either way

like telling you your make up looks great out of nowhere

or little things like how he thinks “Your voice is really calming”

or “Your eye color is so pretty”

you'd love his cute comments but also you'd need to tell him to shut up like 6 times

you'd almost mess up his makeup because he wouldn't stop talking

I also feel like the closer you got the more savage!Donghyuck would come thru

he'd be so cheeky, but it wouldn't upset you, rather make you laugh even more

then the actual days of the play would roll around

you'd be kinda sad it's over, since you still haven't really made any progress

then, at the last night of the play Donghyuck would rush backstage, needing to change his makeup for another role he was playing

you'd have done this a lot of times by then, but you'd still have to hurry a lot, since there wasn't much time

suddenly he'd say “You look extra cute today, Y/N”

you'd kinda blush and smile, but you were too focused since you had to rush

“I wish it wasn't over yet,” he'd add

and then “Because I really like you...I mean, more than like”

it really wouldn't help that your faces were only like 6 inches apart

by then you'd be almost done and freaking out on the inside

“I like you too” you'd manage to say whilst blushing

and then it would all happen kinda out of nowhere

you'd see him stare at your lips, which made you look at his

your eyes would close and you'd kiss for the first time

it would be very cute and not very long but still your heart would go !!!!!

when he pulled away he was grinning from ear to ear

suddenly the drama teacher would come in, telling Donghyuck it was his part soon

he'd be gone for the rest of the play, giving you enough time to come to terms with what had happened

after the play you'd finally exchange numbers

from then on, you were pretty inseparable

you'd go out on cute ice cream or milk shake dates

you could talk with him for hours without ever getting bored

at first he wouldn't be very touchy with you in public, especially not kiss you

he'd only do that when you were hanging out at home

you'd get to know his friends really quickly too

I don't see him as being seriously jealous, but more playfully jealous???

he wouldn't get angry but just jokingly say “you know she's my girlfriend, right?”

that would also be the first time he called you his girlfriend and you'd suddenly get really happy, even if he was being jealous

you'd be the cutest couple at school, always holding hands and sitting with each other

you weren't the “popular couple”, but still everyone knew about you and thought you were the cutest

generally I think he'd be the biggest sweetheart

always putting you first and trying to make you happy

he would hate it if you ever said something negative about yourself

it would literally make him so upset and he would do anything to change your mind

also you know how he always wants to kiss people's cheeks (rip mark)

10/10 would kiss your cheek when first seeing you in the morning

even if afterward he'd kiss your lips, he would always kiss your cheek too??? he'd just love it

he'd also be the cuddliest boy ever

especially when you're alone with him

he'd bury his head in your neck and be so happy to be alone with you

that's also when he'd say the cheesiest things

“If you hadn't volunteered to do my makeup we might wouldn't be together now...that would suck”

that's also when he'd say “I love you” for the first time!!!

you'd get really sleepy whilst cuddling bc he'd be so warm and soft

he'd wake you up by kissing both of your cheeks frantically

I'm so emo :(((

overall, I think he'd be the sweetest boyfriend and you'd be able to have so much fun with him

thanks for reading, have a good day!!! x

#i hope i have no typos bc i didnt check twice rip #nct scenarios #haechan scenarios #kpop scenario #boyfriend haechan #donghyuck scenarios #nct fluff #boyfriend nct #boyfriend au #nct imagine #donghyuck imagine #kpop fluff

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a-mess-of-a-princess · 6 years

Photo

Hi, sorry I'm on my phone so /format/ and that's why it isn't under the cut. Also RUDE BOTH OF YOU I'M OFFENDED @tragichime @deadpan-sexual 1. Are looks important in a relationship? Yes and no. You need to be attracted to the other person but they shouldn't be the defining factor. 2. Are relationships ever worth it? Yes, no matter how they end you will learn something. 3. Are you a virgin? No 4. Are you in a relationship? I'll say yes, but it's complicated 5. Are you in love? Hmm, lemme think about it 6. Are you single this year? No 7. Can you commit to one person? Yes 8. Describe your crush Cute, funny, adorable, sweet, caring, smart, a huge nerd and so so much more 9. Describe your perfect mate Someone I can talk to knowing I won't be judged, someone willing to call me out on my bs without fear, somone who is willing to hold me when I can't do it on my own but won't make me ask them to do it 10. Do you believe in love at first sight? No 11. Do you ever want to get married? Maybe 12. Do you forgive betrayal? Depends on what it is 13. Do you get jealous easily? Eh, maybe 14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Technically 15. Do you have any piercings? Not anymore 16. Do you have any tattoos? One, but I won't more 17. Do you like kissing in public? Small kisses, no making out 20. Do you shower every day? Yup, but I don't wash my hair 21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? God I'd hope so 22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Probs not 23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Fucking hell yes 24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Fuck if I know 25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I mean... yeah? 26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes, but it was in a manipulative way 27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? Nope 28. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes 30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? My boobs, I want a boob reduction and then a lift. 31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Unfortunately 32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yes 33. Have you ever had sex with a man? Yup 34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? Yup number 2 35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yuppers 36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? Again yes 37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Hahahaha yeah 38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Hahaha oh yes 39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Kindq? 40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? No, I'm not that talented 41. Have you had sex so far this year? No 42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Eh, depends on the comfort of my partner but a long time cause i'm /nervous/ 43. How long was your longest relationship? 2 and a half years 44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 7?? 45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013? One 46. How many times did you have sex last year? -shrugs- I was being a hoe 47. How old are you? 22 48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? This has happened, I would be supportive and encourage them that they should talk to them. Not like I'm gunna confess anyway. 49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Depends on the person cause everyone is different 50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? No 51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yeah, my brother 52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? Yes, because they made it clear through their actions that I wasn't worth the effort. 53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? I don't think so? 54. Is there someone you will never forget? Yes, but not for good reasons 55. Share a relationship story. I'll give a meaningless one from like freshman year. There was this dude who orginally hated me cause I was going through a "emo" stage but freshman year he was basically like: damn girl you cute and we dated for like 8 months or something 56. State 8 facts about your body It's gross, I'm chubby, covered in stretch marks, I'm short, my boobs aren't even, my hands are man hands, but I think I have a nice ass. 57. Things you want to say to an ex Fuck you. Fuck you for making me think I'm not good enough. Fuck you for leaving me broke and dead inside. I hope you choke on the new girls left tit you left me for. 58. What are five ways to win your heart? Be caring, funny, /communication/ open-minded, be real with me 59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!) (Bastards, its above) 60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? 3 years 61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? Physical? Eyes then their laugh 62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? COMMUNICATION👏 IS 👏ALWAYS 👏SEXY 63. What is your definition of “having sex”? Idk? Its just sex? 64. What is your definition of cheating? Being emotionally/physically involved with someone who is not your s/o 65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? Oh man oh man uuuuuhhhhh idk? I don't have one, never really /had/ that v much. Most of my past people were v selfish 66. What is your favourite roleplay? I plead the fifth 67. What is your idea of the perfect date? I'm not a materialistic person. Something heartfelt, just something they thought I would like. 68. What is your sexual orientation? Pansexual 69. What turns you off? Cockiness 70. What turns you on? I /might/ have a praise kink 71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? Again. Plead rhe fifth 72. What words do you like to hear during sex? I stg if someone says pussy I am INSTANTLY dry.... that is all I will say even though it doesnt answer the questions 73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Play with my hair and sing to me 74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? Probs just if they are cute~ 75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Surprised me sushi and YOI stuffs when I had a bad day at work 76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? I made dinner and bought them gifts and a movie and flowers just cause I felt like it 77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? Both people better be 18+ else ima fight 78. What’s your dirtiest secret? My side blog (no I'm not telling you what it is and please I beg don't look for it) 79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Hmm... not jealous but protective. My "crush" was telling me about their shitty exs and I got mad. That's the last time I remember anyway 80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Probs like 5 minutes ago to a friend xD 81. Who are five people you find attractive? Vanderwood, Hoshi, Shownu, Jimin, Ruby Rose 82. Who is the last person you hugged? God.... I don't even know 83. Who was your first kiss with? This guy I had a crush on freshman year, he dumped me a qeek later cause he realized I was a virgin. 84. Why did your last relationship fail? Lack of communication and mental/emotional abuse 85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? Yes

#selfie #asks #stfu faith #man i regret this one

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morifinwes · 3 years

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hi laura!! sorry this is a bit late i barely survived finals week :’) i just woke up after sleeping for like 18 hrs after my last exam fjdns

oooo yes i love yanqing too!! they’re my fav ship apart from wangxian (also jc/lwj w h a t why would anyone do that o.O)

halsey!!!! i love her sm i’ve followed her from the time she released badlands (i was such an emo kid istg that album was everything to me) omg your music taste is so similar to mine wtf??? the other side by ruelle AND mystery of love AND folklore ur taste is exquisite. i’ll check out the other songs i’m sure i’ll like them! (also based on your music taste i recommend u listen to the loch ness monster by matilda mann 10/10 would recommend)

okay today’s questions!

🎀 since i asked about non-canon ships last time, what is your favourite fic you’ve ever read in the mdzs fandom? or a favourite trope?

🎀 tell me about your favourite show(s)/movies other than cql/mdzs! i need something to binge watch over winter break hehe

hope you’re doing well! it’s getting cold where i live so if it’s the same where you live i hope you’re staying warm >.< now that i’m free i will try to send asks more often! - 🍵

hey c!! don't worry, you have to take care of yourself, i'm glad that you finally have more time for yourself too!

sleeping 18 hours after being stressed is valid, after a panick attack i once slept like 16 hours simply because i was extremely exhausted.

i listened to the song and it's!!! so good!! i really like this part of the song: now you've faded, / with no traces, /so who could ever tell. / what you've taken's, / been misplaced / but your name doesn't ring any bells, / since the day that they took you to hell.

halsey is!!! i remember hearing badlands when it came out but i only really got into her mid 2018? i listened to hopeless fountain kingdom then and realized that badlands and hfk where both from the same person!! folklore is @/keepyourlife's fault, annika reblogged a bunch of things and just went crazy over it, so i listened to it. i don't listen to much else from taylor, i like getaway car a lot tho tbh. i saw mystery of love in a wangxian edit on youtube and went !!!!!! over that song, so now i'm obsessed with it.

1. i've got a bunch of favorite fics but _none of them are finished _and ajdkskks i do have some that are finished but i can't remember for the life of me what they're called. so here are five of my favorites: love, in fire and blood by cicer (which i'm recommending to all of my mutuals always) which is a 212K wip of immortal/yp!wwx + war prize au with no rpe/noncon but in the first two chapters lwj is afraid of that happening. it doesn't. then there is this time/universe/dimension travel fic called a song to bring you home by neoserenity, where basically canon!lwj who mourns wwx meets a modern!sick wwx and apparently there is no modern equivalent of lwj? or at least wwx doesn't seem to know one. the updates are sparse but i reread this so often in hopes that updates will appear. an arrow through time by syrus_jones is a young!lwj time traveling to post canon mdzs and pining after "husband" and wwx at the same time and feeling guilty over it bcs he doesn't know wwx is "husband" and then there is the murder of crows by cerbykerby which is a yilingwei sect au. here is a modern office au: hello, IT. have you tried turning it off and on again?* **by overmountainandmeadow, which us just really funny so i've been reading this for stress relief. i actually quote like time travel aus? also just wangxian meeting other versions of themselves is fun!! i have a bunch of modern college au tabs open but i don't actually seek them out, if i see one and like the plot then i'll read it. there are a lot of good time travel aus in this fandom!! also i like it when people get wangxian together earlier than in canon, it's just really fun to see how that would go. i don't remember the name but i think there was one fic where lwj tried to flirt with wwx and wwx just didn't notice? until somebody pointed it out to him i think? that was fun to read because lwj was just so frustrated!!

2. i feel like i forget what shows i watched after i watched them? movies too, though i like to stick to rewatching movies i already know. but here are some shows: dark on netflix, if you have netflix it should be there, it's a german netflix show about time travel and fate and things being really fucked up. basically there is this endless loop of the world apocalypse happening in 2019? 2020? i'm not that sure of the timeline rn but it's either 2019 or 2020!! and jonas, the male lead, wants to prevent it but this shit gets complicated because this is a time loop, everything he has done has been done before him. there are some really great quotes in the show about things, there is a wangxian gifset that actually uses a quote from dark, and that's the one about having three deaths. (i'll probably add a link to the gifset when i find it) also martha, the female lead, seems not that important in the first season but don't be fooled by that. the ending is.... complex and cool and holy shit there is still one thing we don't know and ahdkksks it's a surprise tho so 👀👀. i recommend watching it in german if possible and with subtitles. i've watched a few scenes in english and idk the voice actors don't seen to fit, but i don't know about other languages. the 100 is also a pretty good show but it's.... it has queerbaiting. and to be honest, the queerbaiting is probably the only reason the show made it to a seventh season. lexa, a lesbian, dies and they use her death for the queerbaiting since she gets together with clarke, the lead character. clarke is a character that gets a lot of hate from both fandom and the characters, a lot of unfair hate if you ask me. she has to do a lot of decisions that are just not meant to be for a single human being, @/solntserises and i and a lot of arguements over placing the blame on her or placing the blame on society and the situation itself. clarke basically does what she needs to do, what she needs to do in order to protect her people, her friends, her family. she often just doesn't have good options, and if she has then she deems the risk too high or something too good to be true (which, she often is right about???). after s1 her friends push her into situations where she has to make the hard choice, but if it doesn't work out how they want it to work out they get mad at her. which is not fair. i remember hearing that raven finally understands what clarke goes through in s7? but i haven't watched the season. i gave up the moment lexa died and didn't want to watch past it, but when @/solntserises started we watched the other seasons together.

there is also shadowhunters which is an okay show ig, i've watched vikings until s5 too and i quite liked it, prison break has a lot of cool stuff to offer but i'd be careful watching it in case of any triggers you might have. i don't remember 100% of the plot but enough to say that one of the characters is a pervert and an awful person, so lots of murder, a lot of blood and yeah. the two main characters are brothers and mostly innocent in this but yeah. they break out of a prison y'know.

lucifer is !!! i think it goes after dc comics? so ig it's somehow part of the dceu but they're like.... never mentioned so idk. it's really fun tho!! you probably have heard from the vampire diaries right? yeah well, there is a spin off called the origianls and it's actually really good. it had some times where i was going to call it off but it's fine, legacies is both tvd's and to's spinoff and from the quality it can't really compare, it's still fun to watch and seeing the new generation grow up. (also a lot more canon gays)

for some movies: i don't really watch many but i've watched every movie in the mcu so far, i have the extended special editions for both the lord of the rings and the hobbit trilogy, the half of it is about ellie chu, an asian girl living in a small town with her depressed dad and falling in love with aster flores, and just.... finding herself, finding out what she wants, who she is and trying to figure out where life takes her. the movie is great!! the romance process is really slow and not that much of the main focus, but more of ellie finding her place in the world? the old guard is a fantastic movie that i watched because of @/keiraknigthly, it's really fun to watch!!

i look forward to talking to you more often!! 🥰💞

#C 🍵#mdzsnetcc #ask #i hope you're staying home and healthy <3

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crushximagines · 7 years

Text

Dream Come True

(A/N: Oh my god I literally do not know when the last time I touched this blog is. Almost a year ago, for certain. But idk recently I’ve feeling kinda writey and emo and thought it might be nice to revisit this blog. So I went into my inbox, found a prompt I liked, and did this. I experimented a bit with perspective for the first time. Hope you like it! xx)

Anonymous asked: could you do one where there's a boy and girl best friend and everyone knows they're in love with each other except the two of them and somehow the truth comes out? Idk you can go wherever you want from there.

WC: 5146

(y/n) = your name

(c/n) = crush’s name

(f/n/1 or 2 or 3) = friend 1 or 2 or 3

(c/f/n/1 or 2 or 3) = crush’s friend 1 or 2 or 3

(g/n) = girl’s name

YOUR PERSPECTIVE

The class was silent as everybody scrambled to finish their math tests. You had just finished, a few minutes ahead of everyone else, and were sitting back down in your desk after handing it in. As you sat down, you took a precious half-second glance at the boy in the desk next to yours, (c/n). You had been best friends with him for years. You knew him inside and out, all his most and least favorite things, his little quirks, his insecurities. And he knew all the same things about you. He was your favorite person to be around; his presence always made you smile. At times, you even began to think that you loved him, but you always quickly dismissed this thought from your mind. Yes, you loved him platonically, but no, not like that. Romance had a tendency to complicate things, and you loved the simplicity of your relationship with (c/n). You would never want to complicate that.

But as you sat back down in your desk, you couldn’t help but wonder if it ever could be, and what it might be like. A lot like what it is now, you imagined, but with another layer of intimacy. You decided it would be better to distract yourself than think about him in this way, so you texted (f/n/1) instead.

Hey, are we still on for this afternoon?

You know it!!

Well, that short conversation didn’t do much to clear your head. So you just went on Instagram to kill the time left between now and the very end of the day. Then you’d be heading to (f/n/1)’s house with her and a couple of other friends, and you’d hang out with them until you went out to the movies in the evening.

You saw (c/n) get up out of the seat next to you and watched him turn his test in. You smiled at him as he walked back to his seat. “What’d you think?” you whispered to him.

He made a noncommittal gesture and a face that said he didn’t really know how he did, but it probably wasn’t great. “And what about you?”

“Not my best. That last question-”

“(Y/n), (c/n). People are still testing. Please hold your commentary until after the bell,” your teacher interrupted. You and (c/n) shared a look and waited for the bell to ring.

As soon as it did, the two of you were immediately talking. “God, that test was hard,” (c/n) said once the two of you were out of the classroom.

“I know. At least it’s over now, I guess.”

“Yeah. And what are you up to now that it’s over?”

“I’m gonna be heading over to (f/n/1)’s house, and we’re gonna see (idk whatever movie is out when you’re reading this lol) tonight,” you told him.

“Oh really? I’ve been meaning to see that for a while now.”

“I’ll tell you how it is after I see it,” you said, “And you, (c/n), what are you going to do tonight?” “Pray for my math grade,” he half-joked, earning a laugh out of you, “no but seriously, not much. I might hang out with (c/f/n), but I don’t know right now. I might just take a six-hour nap instead.”

“Honestly, that doesn’t sound like too bad a plan.” You and (c/n) joked around a little while longer until, seeing that you had reached (f/n/1)’s car, you said with a fake tear in your eye, “Well, it looks like it’s time for us to go our separate ways.”

“A true tragedy,” he said.

Cutting out the joke, you said your goodbyes. You hopped into the passenger’s seat of (f/n/1)’s car and said hello. “Talking to (c/n)?” she asked.

“Yeah,” you said, “just talking about that godawful math test.”

Suddenly you heard the door behind you open, and (f/n/2) entered the car. “Hey!!” she said as she put her backpack on the floor.

You and (f/n/1) said hey right back. “So, now we just have to wait for (f/n/3),” she said.

“Yep.” Right after you said this, (f/n/3) conveniently arrived, and you were off to (f/n/1)’s house.

“So, what are we gonna be doing tonight?” (f/n/2) asked.

“Oh, we’ll figure it out, just like we always do. We’ll probably order pizza around five and leave for the movie at 6:30 or so.”

“Sounds good!”

“Hey, do any of you guys want some music?” (f/n/1) asked, proper host she is. (F/n/3) came through and put some music on. You just took in the music and looked out the window all the way to (f/n/1)’s house, letting the conversation around you fade out while you thought about (c/n) and what he might be up to now.

(C/N)’S PERSPECTIVE

You said goodbye to your best friend, (y/n), and kept yourself from staring too much as she got into her friend’s car. You wished that were your car she was getting into, as opposed to (f/n/1)’s. It’s not like she had never been in your car before - she was actually one of its most frequent passengers, seeing as the two of you were so close - but you couldn’t help yourself from wanting to be with her more. She was perfect in every way. Smart, funny, kind, and it didn’t hurt that she was absolutely stunning. You told yourself you were lucky to have her as a best friend who was always willing to help you with your problems as you unlocked your car, but you couldn’t help but long to have more with her.

You started up your car and put on some loud music to distract yourself from any thoughts of (y/n). It didn’t help much, but you got home without incident. You unlocked your front door and went inside. You were glad it was the weekend, but a creeping sense of boredom overtook your mind. Without (y/n) around, as she often is on Friday afternoons, you just felt empty. Since she was with her other friends, you decided you should text one of your other friends, (c/f/n/1).

Hey man! You up to anything?

Not really, why?

You wanna hang out tonight? Go see a movie or something?

Sure!

The two of you made plans to get a couple of your other friends together and go see the movie (y/n) was gonna see tonight at 7:00. If everything worked out, you’d all go get pizza beforehand. It’d be nice to hang out with them, you thought. You hadn’t seen them outside of school for a little while. With the guarantee you’d be going out tonight, you went upstairs and set an alarm for 5:00 and took a nap.

YOUR PERSPECTIVE

All of a sudden, you felt yourself fall off the couch, and an even louder chorus of laughs from your friends erupted. The four of you were playing Cards Against Humanity, and, as you should have expected, you were getting quite the laugh out of it. So hard, in fact, that you were literally Rolling On the Floor Laughing. After a few more seconds of wheezing, you pulled yourself together and got off the floor. “God, (f/n/3),” you said, smiling and shaking your head a bit, “you are too funny.”

“What can I say, it’s a gift,” she responded. “Man, what time is it?”

“4:47,” (f/n/2) said, quickly checking her phone.

“I guess we’d better find the menu for Tony’s, in that case,” (f/n/1) said. She went into the kitchen and pulled it out of a drawer. After a few minutes of perusal, the four of you made your choice, and (f/n/1) called the restaurant. “Okay, they don’t have anybody delivering tonight, so one of us is gonna have to go an pick up the pizza in half an hour.”

“Man, that sucks,” (f/n/2) said, “nobody delivering on a Friday night.”

“Yeah,” you said. “Hey, do you want me to pick it up?”

“Nah, I’ve got it,” (f/n/1) replied, “My car’s the one in the driveway, after all.” You were cool with that, so the four of you got back to your game until (f/n/1) had to leave.

(C/N)’S PERSPECTIVE

You stand on the beach, facing the ocean. There is nothing around you, save for the gray sky and cold air. Suddenly, a lone figure rises out of the water, almost hovering above it. You see that the figure is a woman, but can’t see who she is. You walk closer to investigate. As you step forward, so does she. You stop as you reach the waterfront. She also stops her march toward you. Noticing that she mirrors your movements, you step to the right. She moves to the left. You step to the left; she moves to the right. You resume your advance and find that, like the woman in front of you, you can walk on water. Once you are close enough to discern the details of her countenance, you see that it is (y/n). Smiling, you quicken your pace in order to reach her sooner. When you finally do meet with her, you stop for a moment and appreciate her glowing beauty. You reach out and take her hand in yours, amazed that you, simple (c/n) have been blessed with the ability to know such a perfect being. She smiles and shyly looks down and then back up, into your eyes. Her gaze lowers and locks onto your lips. She takes your free hand in her own, takes a small step forward, and goes up to her tiptoes. She moves her lips toward yours, you move your lips toward hers, and -

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Heart pounding, you found your phone and turned the alarm off. God, what was that dream? Walking on water, walking towards (y/n), what did it mean? All you knew was that you had a warm feeling in your stomach. And you wished your alarm had gone off just a few seconds later. But what was the point? It was just a dream, nothing more. Even if you could kiss (y/n) in your dreams, it wasn’t reality. It never could be reality. You would never mysteriously find yourself on a cold beach, you would never walk on water, and, most of all, you would never, ever kiss (y/n). You would never touch her hand the way you did in the dream, she would never look at you like she did in the dream. It was pointless to even think that that could happen. She was too perfect for you. A buzzing from your phone interrupted your reverie, and you saw that a text from (c/f/n/1) had just come in.

Hey dude! Are you ready to go?

You sent back a Yeah! that made you seem much more enthusiastic than you actually felt. You just wanted to go back to that dream. But you persisted and stuck to the plans you yourself made and got out of bed. You stretched and yawned and dragged yourself downstairs. Your phone buzzed again, and you saw that (c/f/n/1) had texted you back and said Okay! Meet us at Tony’s in a few minutes. Ensuring that you were sufficiently awake, you drank a glass of water, put your shoes and coat on, grabbed your keys and wallet, and went out to your car.

Once outside, you noticed that the real world looked and felt a bit like your dream - overcast, a bit chilly. You hoped that could be a sign but doubted it. You were just going out with your friends, and that was it. No (y/n), just the guys.

You arrived at Tony’s and saw a familiar-looking car next to yours. Could that be… you thought to yourself, but you put any thought of (y/n) out of your mind. She was at (f/n/1)’s house tonight, not out getting pizza. She was going out tonight, but not to Tony’s, just to the movies.

You entered the restaurant and saw that (f/n/1) was at the counter, but (y/n) was nowhere to be seen. I guess they’re just getting takeout, you thought. She saw you looking at her and said hi. “Oh, hey!” you said “Hey, you’re hanging out with (y/n) tonight, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell her I said hi.”

“Alright,” she said. She turned around to give the cashier her money, and you turned to go sit down with your friends.

YOUR PERSPECTIVE

(F/n/1) walked through her front door, pizza in tow. (F/n/3) whooped, and all three of you immediately got up off the couch to get food. (F/n/1) placed it on the counter and said, “Hey, (y/n).”

“Yeah?”

“(C/n) was there. He says hi.”

“Oh, cool! I guess he did decide to get out of the house tonight.”

“He wasn’t going to go out?” (f/n/2) asked.

“No, we were talking earlier, and he said he wasn’t sure what he was going to do tonight, that he might just nap instead of go out.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah. You know, normally we hang out together on Friday nights, but since I’m with you, that wasn’t an option. Was he there with anyone?”

“Probably. He was just walking in, so I don’t know who he was with. I saw (c/f/n/1) and (c/f/n/2) there, so I assume he was with them. Although I did see (g/n) alone at a booth, so theoretically he could’ve been going in to meet with her,” (f/n/1) told you.

“Oh,” you said, your gaze lowering. “Well, he said he might decide to go out with (c/f/n/1) tonight, so he was probably just going to meet with him and the guys.”

“(Y/n)?” (f/n/1) asked.

“Yeah?” you said, trying to play it cool on the outside, but internally keeping yourself from breaking at the prospect of him being with (g/n). You had seen the two of them talking in the hallway recently, and oh god had he been asking her out?

“You seem a little on edge, you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, it’s just…” you said, trailing off.

“(C/n)?”

“...Maybe.”

“You afraid he’s out with (g/n)?”

“...Maybe.”

“Don’t worry, you have nothing to worry about, honey.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Isn’t it obvious? He likes you, not her! God, you two are so blind!”

“R-Really? He does?”

“Yes, (y/n), water is wet.”

“You should see the way he looks at you!” (f/n/3) said.

“Yes!” (f/n/1) said, “I saw him looking at you as you were getting into the car earlier! I’ve never seen anybody look more in love. You know what, (y/n)? I’m going to text (c/f/n/2) and make sure (c/n) is with them. Then this’ll all be sorted out.”

(C/N)’S PERSPECTIVE

“Yeah! Ridiculous, right? And then, even worse, he asked me if I even wanted to be on the team, as if the three practices I missed for a damn good reason outweighed the years I had dedicated to the team. God, I’m so glad I’m done with him after this season,” (c/f/n/2) exclaimed.

“I’m with you there, Coach Reynolds is such a dick,” (c/f/n/1) said. The table was silent for a moment, but that silence was interrupted by (c/f/n/2)’s phone ringing out.

“Oh, sorry, let me just uhh…” (c/f/n/2) said as he moved his eyes and attention to his phone to see who had texted him.

Hey (c/f/n/2)!! (C/n)’s with you, right?

Yeah, why?

Well, I mentioned to (y/n) that he said hi and she asked who he was with and I said I didn’t know but he could’ve been either with you or with (g/n) and then she started getting worried about him being with her so I wanted to make sure she knew there was no reason for her to be worried

Omg

When are they going to realize they like each other

If you mention what I said, tonight

(f/n/2) (f/n/3) and I made it clear to her just now that he likes her

Alright

Let’s see how this goes

*While (c/f/n/2) is texting*

“Hey, (c/n),” (c/f/n/1) said.

“Hm?” You looked up from your pizza when prompted.

“You’ve been kinda quiet tonight, you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, just kinda tired is all. You know, after that math test, I needed some sleep so I went home and went right to sleep and didn’t wake up until right before you texted me. And I had the weirdest dream, too, I still feel a little weird after that.”

“What was it?” (c/f/n/3) asked.

“No, you don’t wanna hear about it, you’d be bored,” you said in an effort to get your friends off of your back; you didn’t want to tell them about the dream where you almost kissed (y/n). When, after a few seconds, they were still looking at you expectantly, you knew they wouldn’t let up, and you told them the abridged version: “Well, I was at a beach, but it wasn’t a nice and sunny beach like you’d want, but overcast and cold, it was honestly kinda spooky. And then I noticed there was a girl standing on the water. She was like 50 feet out and just standing there, almost hovering above the water. So I was just like, ‘what is going on?’ and decided to go and check it out. And as it turns out, I could walk on water, too! So I kept going and noticed that she was mirroring all my motions - she started walking only when I did, only stopped when I did, I stepped to the right, she moved to the left, y’know. So I kept going and I met up with her and then my alarm went off.”

“Huh,” (c/f/n/1) said.

“You were right,” (c/f/n/3) said, “that was a weird dream. Maybe it was something about getting to know yourself or feeling powerful or something.”

“I don’t know, man,” you said.

(C/f/n/2), having finished his conversation, rejoined the conversation. “And that was all? You just got close enough to see her properly and then you woke up?”

“Well, I did touch her hand. And her arm. But yeah, that was pretty much it,” you said awkwardly.

“Did you know the girl?” (c/f/n/3) asked. Great, just the question you’d been trying to avoid. You shouldn’t have even brought it up.

“Um, maybe…” you said, looking down and rubbing the back of your neck.

“Hey, he clearly doesn’t wanna talk about it that much, so let’s leave him alone,” (c/f/n/1) said, saving you from your misery. “(C/f/n/2), who were you just texting?”

“(F/n/1),” he said casually.

You looked up at the mention of her name, hoping she’d gotten your message across to (y/n). “What’d she have to say?” you asked.

“Oh, just that (y/n) was asking about you.”

“Really?” you said, your mood visibly improving.

“Yeah she told me that when she told (y/n) that you said hi, she asked who you were with. She said she didn’t know, either us or (g/n) - I guess she was waiting at another booth for somebody. And so when (y/n) found out you might be with (g/n) she got concerned or whatever, kinda jealous, so (f/n/1) was just making sure with me.”

“Huh. Jealous?”

“Yeah. Jealous. As in, she didn’t want you to be hanging out with (g/n). As in, she’d rather you hang out with her than (g/n). As in, she’s into you.”

“You sure? I mean, we’re such good friends…”

“God, are you two the only ones who don’t know you like each other?”

“Seriously! I saw her looking at you after the math test today, and trust me, you can tell by the way she looks at you when she thinks nobody's looking that she really, really likes you,” (c/f/n/3) said.

“And by the way you look at her when you think nobody’s looking,” (c/f/n/2) half-joked.

Upon finding this out, you couldn’t help but smile. You finally had confirmation that (y/n) felt the same way about you as you did about her.

“Hey, (c/n)?” (c/f/3) asked.

“Yeah?”

“Was (y/n) the girl in your dream?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, the literal girl of your dreams likes you back.” After hearing this, you spent the rest of the night beaming.

YOUR PERSPECTIVE

“Oh man, was that pizza good,” (f/n/2) said.

“You are so right,” you said, lying on the couch, almost too full to move. But, as (f/n/1) was about to point out, it was almost time to leave for the movies, so you sat up and stretched. You saw your phone light up next to you and saw that (c/n) texted you. This would have brought a smile to your face under ordinary circumstances, but after today’s revelation, this made your heart sing.

Hey (y/n)!! You’re going to see (movie you want to see), right?

Yeah, are you gonna go see it too?

Yep! (c/f/n/1), (c/f/n/2), (c/f/n/3), and I are about to leave for there

So much for just napping tonight 😂

But yeah (f/n/1), (f/n/2), (f/n/3), and I are about to leave too!! I guess I’ll see you there :)

See ya!

You stood up and walked over to get your shoes on. “(C/n) just texted me and he and the guys are going to the movie too!” You received a couple of ooohhs at this.

“Do you think you wanna sit with him?” (f/n/1) asked.

“Maybe! It’d be cool if all of us could sit with all of them.”

“And have you two sit next to each other?” (f/n/2) asked.

“Of course!” you said, with a little wink. The four of you made your way out to the car. Your three friends treated this as a normal night out to see a movie, but you saw it as so much more. This was the first time you’d be seeing him with the knowledge that was as much into you as you were into him. You couldn’t help but wonder if his friends had given him the same kind of talk as yours had given you this afternoon on the way to the movies. You hoped they did. You really hoped they did.

(C/N)’S PERSPECTIVE

You were almost shaking you were so excited. Seeing (y/n) always made you happy, and the fact that, according to your friends, your not-so-secret feelings were requited, made seeing her even sweeter. You stood in line with your friends, eagerly awaiting her arrival. “Hey, (c/f/n/2), do you think she knows how I feel about her?” you whispered to your friend.

“Even a few hours ago, I would’ve doubted it, since you guys are so painfully oblivious to one another’s true feelings, but, when I was texting (f/n/1), she said she had just told (y/n), so yes. I do think she knows you feel about her.”

Just at that moment, (y/n) and her friends entered the cinema. You smiled a big smile upon seeing her. “Hey!!” you greeted all of them, but mainly (y/n).

“Hey!!” she said, “So you ended up getting out tonight!”

“Yeah! You mentioned this movie and I figured, as much as I’d love to pass out for several hours, I can do that at any time, but this movie will only be out for so long.”

YOUR PERSPECTIVE

“Exactly!” you said to (c/n) at his joke. He always knew how to make you laugh. It was a little weird being with him, knowing that the two of you were into each other without having discussed it, but you just talked with him as you usually do, laughing and joking at everything.

Even though your two groups entered the building separately, you collectively decided to enter the theater all together. All eight of you sat together, with you and (c/n) in the middle. If the two of you were between any other people, it might have been awkward, but, seeing as these people had basically set you up and completely supported you, you didn’t mind too much.

The movie started out normal, just as though it were a perfectly normal group of friends seeing a movie together, but, as time progressed, you began to get closer to (c/n). Part of the way through, you put your head on his shoulder. He soon put his hand on your knee, and you took this hand in your own. Every once in a while, you would nuzzle his shoulder or grab his hand a bit tighter. Having been best friends for so long, you had touched each other before, but not like this. You hadn’t ever held his hand before or rested your head on his shoulder in such a way that felt so… intimate. Those other times you had cuddled with him while watching scary movies on Friday nights or cried on his shoulder when life was getting too tough were nice, but this was so, so much better.

(C/N)’S PERSPECTIVE

Oh. My. God. you thought, This is happening. This is happening. This is happening.

Before now, you had wondered if anything would actually happen during the movie - if you would just appreciate it like you had so many movies before or if you would appreciate each other’s company more than the movie. As it turned out, the latter happened. While you were debating making a move - taking her hand in yours or putting your arm around her - she rested her head on your shoulder. Then you put your hand on her knee, and she took it in her own. You just couldn’t believe that this was real. You had thought about something like this happening so many times before, but those fantasies had nothing on this reality. This definitely beat staying at home.

After a while of staying in that bliss, the movie ended, and it was time to go home. “Hey, (y/n), do you need a ride?” you asked her in the blinding lobby of the theater.

“Yeah, that would be really nice,” she responded in a gentle tone. The two of you then made your way out to your car, for once in your life, wordlessly. You and (y/n) were always talking, but tonight, you just silently shared your happiness. Once in the car, you started it up, and she put on some music. “I had a really nice time tonight, (c/n),” she said.

“M-me too,” you said. You let a quiet moment go by and asked, “So, how was your afternoon with (f/n/1) and everybody?”

“It was nice, we got pizza.”

“Oh, so did we. I saw (f/n/1) at Tony’s.”

“Yeah, she told me you said hi,” she said. “Actually, she told me that you might have been there with (g/n), and, I’ll be honest, I had a little bit of an internal freakout. I guess I didn’t want you to be out with her.”

“I heard.” “You did?”

“Yeah, (f/n/1) told (c/n/2), and he told me.”

YOUR PERSPECTIVE

Oh, god. you thought. You didn’t realize he’d found out about that already. Oh, well.

“You hear anything else?”

“I heard that we’re - and I quote - painfully oblivious to one another’s true feelings,” he laughed. And you did, too.

“I heard that, too! Crazy what you don’t know about your own best friend, isn’t it?”

“Totally!” he said, “but in all seriousness, I wouldn’t say we’re so out of touch with one another. It’s just… different with stuff like this.”

“You’re telling me. So… I assume you heard a lot of the same stuff I did tonight, right?”

“That we’re the only two people in the world that don’t realize that we’re madly in love with each other?”

“Yeah, so, is that… legit? Is my unrequited love actually requited?”

“Is mine?”

“Yes. Definitely. Without a doubt. Affirmative.” You smiled and felt the weight of this revelation, or, more accurately, the weight being lifted off of your shoulders.

“Nice,” he said. “So, uh, this is official? We’re a thing now?”

“I believe so.” As you said this, (c/n)’s car parked in front of your house. You turned to look at him and just smiled at him for what was probably seconds but felt like hours. “I guess I’ll see you soon.”

“I guess so,” he said. You unbuckled your seatbelt and turned to get out of his car.

(C/N)’S PERSPECTIVE

You saw (y/n) going to get out of your car and couldn’t just leave it at “I guess I’ll see you soon.” Riding on the largest wave of courage you had ever mustered, you uttered one syllable. “Wait.”

YOUR PERSPECTIVE

You turned back around. What was he doing?

(C/N)’S PERSPECTIVE

You reached out and touched her arm, pulling her closer to you.

YOUR PERSPECTIVE

Oh my god. This is happening.

(C/N)’S PERSPECTIVE

Oh my god. This is happening.

YOUR PERSPECTIVE

And in that moment, you succumbed to his kiss. It was tender and sweet, the product of years of mutual longing. His hand rested on your arm, and you cupped his face with yours. In that moment, everything felt right. Your lips and his eventually parted, and then you just looked into each other’s eyes for a few moments. He wore a look of wonder - of awe - on his face. In all honesty, you probably did, too. The impossible did just happen, after all.

(C/n) looked down and cleared his throat. “Good night, (y/n).”

“Good night.” With a twinge of bittersweetness, you opened the car door and started back to your house. As you were about to step in the door, you turned around and gave one last wave to (c/n).

(C/N)’S PERSPECTIVE

You watched (y/n) walk away, stunned that you had just done that. You put your head against your headrest, one thought on repeat in your mind.

My dream just came true.

339 notes · View notes

tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m. sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad. But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking about random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

#JudeJournals #jude shepard #tumblr diary #journal

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