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moopsy-daisy · 18 days

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Wait, it was OCD the Whole Time??

That common moment, all too universal, when you connect a behavior in your present to an event in your past. I've spent YEARS trying to find a spiritual spot to land, trying out deities and faiths in earnest. Every time, I might find a little comfort but ultimately it would ring hollow. I'd move on to the next inspiration.

Last night, at the holy hour of 4am - when all the strangest things happen - some of my neurons fired together and now my self-image has shifted. Even dreamt of earthquakes after, though that might've had to do with my partner climbing into bed while I was asleep.

"Give your worries to God, and if you're sincere, His Grace will free you from your fears."

That's what they told me when I was growing up. I heard it a few different ways, but it always came back to the idea that if your faith is strong enough, you won't fear anything.

Except, I was Always Scared.

No amount of thinking or praying or Bible reading worked for more than 5 minutes, if that. Fear coursed through my veins at all hours, shocked me from my sleep, and began to eat my entire life. I trusted the people who told me that prayer should work, so I Tried Harder. It had to be my fault. I sat on the floor, weeping over my Bibles, and begged the Man in the Sky to take the fear away. Please, make me a better person. (And maybe I could have a boyfriend someday, too? I was shooting for the stars, I guess.)

It never worked. Eventually, I left Christianity behind, and thought I was none the worse for wear. I hadn't grown up Evangelical, after all. My parents followed shortly after, recognizing that the faith wasn't serving them, either.

Still, that ember of belief, the idea if I could woo god into helping, had burned deep into my subconscious. I had to be a better person. If I was righteous enough, I could protect myself from everything, climate change to cancer to capitalism. If I executed Zero waste, vegetarianism, composting, obsessing over every kind of plastic in my life. Second guessing every food, tallying my sins so I could erase them. I wanted to be beyond reproach, to sweep away my carbon footprints and to be a Good Person.

Eventually I figured out that individual action wouldn't fix the problems I saw. No amount of composting would protect me from a snowstorm. The Good Place's Chidi showed me that my worrying wasn't helping. I eased up on myself, kept what worked, and bought some bacon. (Therapy also helped. Therapy's great.)

In recent years, I felt something was missing. I figured that the spiritual people in the world had a peace and joy that I, too, should be able to achieve if I just found the right faith. That little ember of belief still glowed somewhere in the back of my mind. So, I tried again. I've been to temples in the United States and abroad. I had experiences that were beautiful, I learned amazing things and I regret none of it. And I never, ever got what I actually wanted.

I didn't realize it until last night, at 4am, but all I ever wanted was a Cure. Some belief that would make my brain stop hurting me. There had to be some reason God was ignoring me.

Finally, I can stop searching. There is no faith that works the way an SSRI does, or thyroid medication, or a SIBO test. Only medicine can make my brain calm down. Only medicine could tell me that my pain came from food intolerance and not character flaws. (Yes, I believed that excruciatingly painful diarrhea was a weakness of my character. I just needed to learn to relax, I told myself. After all, I could digest milk and wheat just fine. Oh honey, no.)

Now, I've got to come to terms with what being faithless will mean for me. I'll still dabble in witchcraft, because spicy placebo psychology helps while I'm waiting to see my doctors. I'll still read about sociology and culture.

There's a hungry habit that wants to reach for answers, to keep looking. I'm going to treat that like my other compulsions instead of indulging it. The next time I'm tempted to dive into a faith system, I'll go get my coloring books or sewing machine. I'll make my world better by living my life, instead of looking for a God who will finally take pity on me.

I hope reading this long ass post helps someone feel less alone. Fuck, I hope it helps me remember that 4am epiphany when things inevitably get hard again.

#self reflection #actually ocd #ex christian #faithless and maybe that's okay #filling in culture vacuum #gentle atheism #mental health

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rabbitindisguise · 11 months

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we had this big conversation as a household and it got me thinking about like . . . what sets me off sometimes about things like this, and I think it's hitting my moral scrupulosity reflex (or rather moral injury trauma it's apparently called, wrt my personal PTSD experience of it)

I've talked about before how social justice has been associated with the rise in moral scrupulosity and OCD I think. Personally I've always felt indebted to social justice because even if in many ways it failed me, it also saved my life in many ways as well so it justified a lot of the things random people on the internet said even though it was totally baseless. The encroaching fear was like "I think they're wrong but . . . what if they're right?"

also it's super easy to be around people who have a neurosis and pick it up on accident, my brain just seems to rebel hard against that because autism brain HATE change

personally I'm starting to understand that things I feel compulsions to do like donate to charity, eat local, reduce waste, etc won't make up for the time I felt like I couldn't behave morally because my life was in danger. Shopping a small local businesses won't change the fact that when cornered I behaved like an asshole (and will probably continue to, because fight or flight instincts are hard to change) and that's what I feel guilty over. I felt a lot of resentment recently directed at people who are distressed that they didn't "fight back hard enough" until I realized that people how their own goals they want to work towards, and that not having to fight back feels like a luxury to me when considering the alternatives of "get abused" and "get abused and feel bad about how I responded." Because for me I don't blame someone for not fighting back but now I totally understand that because there are people who do, it's possible to feel that way about your own actions the way I feel guilty even now for not maintaining my moral integrity in a life or death situation.

And that makes it surprisingly easy to accept? I think I can handle a bit more moral hangwringing now that I feel like the stakes are lower. I don't think constantly being exposed to people asking "is this moral" is healthy for me, but I think if I add more interactions where I don't think about that sort of thing that would be good for me.

That relates to an overall conversation about pets- I feel like I had such a gut deep visceral reaction against the idea that an animal could be held responsible for another animal's death because they had to eat or die, and it really surprised me, and I realized I'm an animal as well. If I don't know something, if I can't avoid doing something like using a plastic straw or buying from a chain store, then there's nothing to be held responsible for. Just like I don't ever blame cats for biting people. I can extend the sort of peace I feel around animals where I can get unconditional affection based on just behaving in a kind way alone to life in general and to myself. It all also reminded me that I was holding people who owned pets to such a high standard for so long because unlike other things I wasn't really allowing people to not know better, and I was treating them like how I treat myself when I do something I don't agree with. Which isn't great. Stopping that habit was a good idea, and hopefully having done that means I can translate that to my other problems.

I think I should get more into fandom stuff again based on these realizations because that's always been my oasis of doing shitty things without having to feel guilty about it. I could try reading some mafia AUs or something and see if that makes me feel better

#personal #mental illness

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belong2human-kind · 3 months

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Last month I discovered that I am actually dyslexic (I think it was last month but I'm not sure bc my time and space notion are melting away kinda like me brain lately) and dyscalculic besides being adhd and discovered that not only I also have had bad generalized anxiety disorder and ocd during all my life but also, I've developed a motor tic disorder because of the ocd spectrum. I don't know when it started, but I just can't avoid my body of compulsively cracking my joints and knuckles until it hurts so so soooo bad.

So, reading with all this going on on my mind has always been a pain in the head as much as simply existing, but I'm trying my best to keep going because I love to read and write. I even write poetry since I was 10! So I'm trying my best to keep on reading and studying, and I finally got to the middle of Star Wars: A New Dawn and I'm so happy about it 🥺😭

It's the first book I actually manage to read in years. I started reading in English, because I am bilingual, but got to a point where my brain was too ??? And foggy, so I went back at reading in Portuguese, my mother language. And it's going a bit chaotic, as expected, but so great! I am loving to read about these two characters that I love so deeply.

The book has a lot of mentions to alcoholism, which triggers me BADLY because of my family's awful history with this drug, alcohol. Lost too many relatives, even very close ones, to drinking addiction and got traumatized by it. But reading about it and seeing how Kanan got to be cared and supported by Hera is so...

It has been really great. Therapeutically, almost! I love star wars rebels so much

#star wars #swr #sw rebels #reading a new dawn #loving my kanera parents

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chillychive · 10 months

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Thanks for the tag @noworneverphantom !

Are you named after anyone?

My legal name, nope. I was a double rainbow baby and came after 2 deaths in the family so my parents wanted something totally new for me. My chosen (soon to be legal!!!:D) name, is accidentally sort of after a character I love and relate to a lot. I was reading and someone called out the main character, by last name, and I suddenly had this “yea! I’m here!” Moment and I was like wait why did I respond to that-HOLY SHIT I FOUND MY NAME. It’s a funny origin story for sure. My middle name is up for debate still, but if I don’t keep my birth one, I’m going to change it to follow a family naming scheme that I think is hilarious and a good way to subtly follow family tradition.

When was the last time you cried?

Several weeks ago. Honestly, I wish I cried more. It’s very hard for me to cry. I saw the milky way for the first time and just started sobbing. I cried for nearly an hour, just kneeling and staring up at the sky. That may have been the first time i understood that tears aren’t always sad.

Do you have kids?

Nope. I’m too young and despite adoring small little children a lot, I’m not sure I’d ever want kids of my own. I’d be too scared to mess them up. I feel like I could be quite the good parent too, but I couldn’t deal with the stress. Maybe adopting, tho. I’m sure as hell not giving birth. Ever.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I used to be really sarcastic, but I’ve stopped using it as much now. I’m trying to use more positive language and open myself up more to people, and stopping being sarcastic except when I’m parroting back to my friends to show them how insane whatever they’re doing is (I have a bunch of workaholics that somehow adopted me that I often need to stop before they work themselves to death) has helped me a lot to do that.

What sports do/have you played?

Hm. Currently nothing, but I’ve done a lot of odd sports. Probably my most normal is volleyball, which I got pretty good at but I struggled with the people part of team sports and got bored. Before that, I did competitive archery (I wasn’t great, I didn’t practice a lot but I got my 250 pin at my last comp before my coach retired), and swim team (my first summer I was amazing at it, my most recent I sucked so bad but at least I can say with confidence that I have a very strong back stroke).

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their demeanor. I study people a lot (I’m very much the quiet kid who watches everything), and how they carry themselves and how they interact with others is usually the first thing I notice. Their general vibe.

What’s your eye color?

Good question. When I was little they were bright blue and they’ve gotten a bit darker as I’ve grown but still very blue. As I grew up tho, this yellow-green color spread from the inside (no, not jaundice I checked) and now they can look blue, grey or green depending on lighting. I wear glasses, sadly, so I can’t show off how weird my eyes are, but they are very weird, and kinda pretty.

Scary movies or happy ending?

I avoid scary movies at all costs. Me & my ocd brain cannot handle that. I have a very low tolerance for fear. Happy endings are kinda lame and I love screwing over the main characters at the end, but if I had to pick one or the other, happy endings by a long shot.

Any special talents?

I have random knowledge on many odd things, thanks to being a compulsive researcher and internet access. I have a double jointed toe, and jaw (idk either tbh). I can overthink my way into any situation. I can recognize any plant native to my area (edible plants phase when I was 11). I have abt 50% of needed knowledge on most topics. I know most basic codes and often will geek out and learn more. I’m not 100% accurate but I’ll definitely recognize and mostly understand how to solve most basic ciphers. Im also very good at crafts, especially yarn. I am uniquely talented at unraveling balls of tangled yarn.

Where were you born?

In a laboratory where they bred sentient capybaras. Interpret that how u wish. (/nsrs)

What are your hobbies?

Taking on too big projects, writing, drawing, painting, digital art, harassing my friends, singing, piano, rpg, Minecraft, basket making, there’s probably more but I can’t think.

Do you have any pets?

Not unless you count my sibling.

How tall are you?

5’11” im tall lol

Favorite subject in school?

Dang these questions keep getting harder. First you want to know about the lab I was made in, now my favorite school subject?! Probably government, or choir. Choir is my safe space, def my favorite place in school, and the teacher is amazing. Government is fascinating and has a great teacher. In theory, English, but in practice the class is either boring or stressful (basically me going from “ha this is beneath me I’m rlly good at writing” to “oh fuck they actually expect me to *write* things”), so I’m not a huge fan.

Dream Job?

I wouldn’t mind a painfully repetitive job as long as they don’t mind me listening to music/a podcast while I work. But I suppose that’s not a dream job. Perhaps a writer for a sci-fi show. Maybe even Star Trek or Star Wars. It would be fun to have something long running to play with. That would be a good use of my wide skill range and love of space and creating worlds. Or getting to create and mold my own show in that sort of realm to make something truly new (aka sci-Fi as I see it, which seems to disagree with a lot of current creators or sci-fi stories) and getting to watch it unfold would be so beautiful. Watching the worlds I’ve sculpted on spreadsheets and very complicated Google slides explode onto the screen, with all of their mess and people and joy and weird little critters and imaginative ways to make it more realistic would be the most amazing thing. I’d have a hard time not picking up the actors and just going “MY BABY, I MADE YOU!”

On that very weird note, I’m going to tag some people and go to bed. @sadmushroomgoblin @doublemegative @wantmeifyouwantme @dragons-in-spaceee @twincityhacker

(Sry for the double tag, Ik @noworneverphantom already tagged a lotta y’all)

#ask game

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nepenthendline · 4 years

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S/O with Dermatophagia - Tendou, Kageyama, Tsukishima and Daichi

I did some research so I hope this feels accurate for you! And i think any of the guys are caring enough to help you out and learn to understand, so here’s my top picks of a couple that would be really great at dealing with this! I’m sorry for the struggles you have been through, and I hope this helps you feel a little more accepted

Request: I have a body focused repetitive disorder called dermatophagia. It’s an impulse control problem, kind of like OCD’s cousin, and I’ve been made fun of before and my parents give me a lot of trouble over how I can’t leave my hands alone. I wanted to request what Haikyuu boys you think would be good partners for someone with compulsions or ticks that they can’t control. Especially compulsions that can be considered gross or unattractive.

Tendou:

I will put Tendou in every single disorder/illness related fic because he would just be so open-minded about everything

firstly, he totally understands that its not just something you can stop, or things its gross at all, even before he does any research, if you say you can’t stop it then he listens

Tendou’s methods of helping you are often distraction-based, if he can keep your hands and mind busy, then hopefully that will deter you from biting or picking at them

He likes to keep you active in a way that uses your hands, such as baking, crafts or playing sports with him so that there’s less opportunity to touch the skin yourself

If he does notice you gnawing at your hands, he’ll use some sort of excuse as to why he needs you to stop, such as he needs help with a task, or (his most used) that he wants to hold your hand

You never have to worry about feeling insecure about the way your hands look, the scars and callouses that have developed, he still loves to admire them and hold them constantly - he thinks they’re a fascinating part of you

He likes to fiddle with your fingers, partly because he finds it comforting but also in the hopes that it will trick your brain into thinking you are touching them yourself, and stop your urges

He carries around ointments and plasters in case things get too far and you injure yourself

If you do cause bleeding or split the skin, he never makes a big deal out of it, he treats it as if you just got a little accidental paper cut that a plaster will solve

He wraps his fingers up often for volleyball, so he likes to think the two of you are ‘matching’ when your fingers are also plastered up

He loves to paint your nails for you, so they feel a little prettier and fun

He understands it can feel isolating, so he is always there for you to cheer you up and remind you that you’re perfect the way you are

Kageyama:

Kageyama doesn’t understand it as well as the others, but its how he deals with it that makes him a good candidate

at first when you tell him, he doesn’t get it at all, but when you describe it as an instinct or uncontrollable urge, then he starts to understand

he knows he can’t stop it, so his reaction is to just help you take care of your hands

He’s very particular about his own care regime, especially of his hands, because of volleyball

When he sees your hands covered in cuts, scars and callouses, they remind him greatly of his own, so he starts doing his own care routine on you too

When the two of you are relaxing together, and Kageyama is filing his nails and treating the broken skin, he’ll just take one of your hands and start treating yours too, bandaging up any cuts, buffing off any dry skin and filing your nails

He doesn’t find them gross at all, he just sees it as the hands of someone who works hard and goes through a lot, just like he does

If he catches your biting your skin or picking at your fingers, he will let you know that you are doing it in case you are unaware, then take your hand and hold it in his

In terms of emotional support Kageyama is still learning, it takes him a little while to understand the emotional struggles you go through with this disorder, but he’s always there for you to talk to

Tsukishima:

This follows my hc of Tsukishima having OCD

He totally understands how you feel, and that you can’t stop your actions no matter how hard you try

It’s not weird at all for him, he has his own quirks and compulsions that he does everyday, and so do you, so you both take time to learn about each others

Your disorder is a part of you, its what makes you who you are and that doesn’t bother Tsukishima at all

He never says anything when he notices you scratching at your hands or biting the skin, he will just move your hands way, holding them in his if he notices you go back to your previous actions

He always carries a small first aid kit on him, so if any injuries are caused, he can help wrap up your hands

He’s not going to make you talk about the emotional side of your disorder, mostly because he doesn’t need you to since he understands, but also because he wants to let you come to him first

Theres not much he can do to stop your actions and he knows that, so he tries to support you emotionally instead, this is done by just having quiet, relaxing time together in a safe space where the two of you can be yourselves

He gets into playing video games with you to keep your hands busy, he’s pretty good at them himself and enjoys teasing you if you aren’t doing so well

He gives you things to fiddle with in hopes that it’ll keep your hands busy in different ways, such as the wire of his headphones or a small Dino plushie

Daichi:

While he doesn’t understand from his own experience, he is very open-minded and does a lot of research, as well as listening to you to learn more

He’s very concerned that you’re going to hurt yourself, but he’s never going to get irritated at you

His own hands are callused and scarred from many years of volleyball, so he’s learned of some ways to soothe and treat them

He likes to give you hand massages and treat any cuts, pressing a kiss on top of each plaster

He won’t ask how often you are biting or picking at your skin as, each day, he’ll analyse the health of your hands while holding them or as he watched you write

He generally tries to keep you as calm and stress-free as possible, as he understands that this can cause your disorder to act up more often

Such as having study sessions so you can do homework together, or keeping you away from large, loud crowds that could stress you out

Will always give each hand a kiss every morning, just as a reminder that he loves every part of your body

He reminds you often of how strong you are, and how, even if things aren’t going too well, you can get past them

He will be there, no matter what, to listen to you when you feel frustrated, or to hold you when you need support

#haikyuu #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu!!#haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu drabbles #haikyuu scenarios #haikyū!!#tendou satori x reader #tendou satori #Tendou x reader #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei #kageyama tobio #Kageyama x reader #Kageyama tobio x reader #sawamura daichi #Daichi x reader

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spectrumed · 3 years

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3. sadness

Don’t be like that. Be like this, or be that other thing. Be unique, but don’t be too unique. Fit in, but try to be a rebel. Be a renegade, but don’t rock the boat. Don’t know what you are supposed to be? What? Do you have imposter syndrome or something? Just be yourself, but, y’know, sand down the edges a little bit. Be friendlier. Be the kind of person everyone likes. Be the life of the party! Don’t be some shut-in, some crazy cat-lady with absolutely zero social life. Don’t be sad. Don’t burden others with your sadness. Work to maximise the total happiness of your community. A smile goes a long way. Can’t smile? You really can’t help but being a sourpuss all the time? Well, I guess maybe that if you can’t help but stay in a perpetual bad mood bringing everyone else down… then maybe you should just stay isolated? Better stay alone, away from others. You’re toxic. You’re just so damned sad. You really must be quarantined.

I am sad, a lot of the time. Are you? But, no, you can’t just admit that you are sad. Don’t be a buzzkill, try to inject a little humour into the things you say. You can admit you’re depressed, if you do so with a joke. Don’t let others know you’re being sincere. Ironic jokes work the best, don’t they? They let you confess your secret gloom to everyone around, but they’ll never know just how serious you’re being. With a wink of the eye, any candid expression of your inner turmoil can become a hilarious post-modern gag. Are they or are they not telling the truth? Oh, I’ll never tell! And it will all work out excellent, up until the day you commit suicide. But every comedian’s time in the limelight has to end at some point, right?

This blog is supposed to be about autism spectrum disorder, why am I suddenly discussing depression? Well, I suppose that it is time we bring to the table this little thing called comorbidity. Psychology is messy. Some would argue that it is barely even a real scientific field (I tend to think that it is the best thing we have, but I acknowledge that in places, psychology is fundamentally flawed.) You may have thought that you’d get just one diagnosis. One simple label that you can work through and overcome. You’re bipolar, now go deal with it! But instead, you find yourself with a whole fistful of diagnoses. What to hear my proud list of diagnoses? Oh, please, don’t think because I am listing them this one certain way, I put them in order of relevancy to me. I love all of my diagnoses equally.

My diagnoses are:

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)

Agoraphobia

Possible Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Asperger syndrome (AS)

No, I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but largely because, at the time I received these diagnoses, my depression was so blatant that it felt as if I was walking around with a cloud of miasma surrounding at all times. Imagine me as Pig-Pen from Peanuts, but instead of being covered in dirt, I was covered in the funk of melancholy. And whatever treatment I would eventually go on to receive (and still am receiving to this day,) would go about treating my anxiety first, and hopefully, the depression would give in alongside the anxiety. It has, for the most part, though, I still feel the presence of that black dog from time to time. I also got only a half-hearted potential diagnosis of OCD, but later, during a trial of an antidepressant that had a freakishly negative impact on my psyche, it blossomed into a fully-grown attention-craving condition. Turns out that OCD can be a real hog for the spotlight, really not allowing any of the other diagnoses to take their turn on stage. Thankfully, when I got off that particular antidepressant, those symptoms stopped, but it has led me to be far more aware of my internal obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. For me, OCD largely lacks physical compulsions, but my mind is ablaze with intrusive thoughts, and I will routinely force myself to repeat certain phrases in my head to make them go away. The funny thing is, I never realised that wasn’t normal.

Diagnoses are an attempt to map out a spiders’ web of problems. Things come hand in hand. While I’m no psychologist, I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been through the psychiatric process, which I suppose, lends me a certain kind of expertise, doesn’t it? Maybe it really doesn’t. Maybe I’m just throwing words out there, thinking that I could serve a good purpose, but instead all I am doing is contributing to this great onslaught of digital disinformation we’re all suffering under. But I’m probably just too doubtful of myself. I am speaking about myself, after all. I’ve got first-hand experience in being myself. I know exactly what it feels like to own this skin, these bones, this heart, and this mushy brain of mine. I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m just claiming to know about this one sad individual writing this hoping it might allow someone to reblog my posts with the hashtag “relatable” one day.

Anxiety runs in my family. The neurosis demon gets passed down from generation to generation, only occasionally skipping a beat. My mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, though, she has for the most part of her life not had it to quite the excessive degree that I have it. I really took that genetic predisposition for anxiety and ran with it. And while I’m the only person in my family to have gotten diagnosed as being “on the spectrum,” there are a few members that I kinda sort of in a way actually quite seriously suspect might also be here somewhere on the spectrum. Still, as always goes with diagnosing, there’s no point in doing it unless the person is in need of some kind of treatment. I wholeheartedly believe that most people on the planet belong to one spectrum, be it an autism spectrum, a bipolar spectrum, a narcissism spectrum, even a schizophrenic spectrum, but diagnoses should be exclusively reserved for those who need psychiatric care. The world is a spectrum, and it’s worth noting that the terms “sane” and “insane” do not alone capture the complexity of the human psyche. A person can appear perfectly sensible, yet at some point in their life, they may have been a real silly little bugger who thought that their pet hamster was the reincarnation of the Buddha. Just as with physical health, one can struggle with one's mental health for one period in their life, only to later on in life feel utterly and entirely mentally healthy. Or, well, sadly in a lot of cases, people who were perfectly mentally healthy may suddenly become diagnosed with dementia. But that’s really sad, so let’s not talk about that.

Is it all genetic? Well, no. Or well, maybe? In regards to autism, I am pretty sure that, yes, it is genetic. While, yes, I do admit that I’m just a dummy on the internet, so what do I really know? And the brain is such a complex bit of mushy meat, so I could always be proven wrong. Though, I tend towards thinking that there most likely is principally a genetic factor to conditions like autism, or attention deficit disorder (and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,) or things like bipolar disorder. But with anxiety, quite frankly, I can’t say how much of it is nurture and how much of it is nature. I mentioned that my mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, so that would imply that there is something in one's genes that can make some more prone to anxiety than others, but my mother does not struggle with agoraphobia, nor does she seem to have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In fact, in my family, even those that exhibit some element of heightened anxiety, they don’t seem to show any milder symptoms of this kind. I can’t help but feel as if these conditions I gained through that tortuous period of every boy’s and girl’s (and boy-girl’s) life is called puberty. I hate to conform to stereotypes but I did indeed hate being a teenager. Believe it or not, I wasn’t a jock, and no, I didn’t go to parties. I mostly spent my time crying.

The question that no doubt plagues every movie psychiatrist to no end is what kind of trauma must a person undergo to make them go mad? Abusive parents? Abusive uncles? Abusive teachers? Abusive dogs? Honestly, to be an adult raising a child must be rough, considering how any mistake you make might suddenly turn your little babe into a future serial killer. Now, there’s no doubt that there are some seriously terrible parents out there, and that a lot of people have mental woes that definitely came about due to their parents and their abysmal lack of parental care. But generally, how much can you actually blame on your parents? We know the cliché, let’s go sit down on the sofa and complain to our Freudian hack-shrink all about those times as a kid our dad missed the big game, or that time our mother embarrassed us in front of all of our friends. I have plenty of things to complain about my parents, like I believe we all have. Our parents are flawed, messy human beings, of course they occasionally made mistakes throughout our upbringings. But is that nearly enough to turn a person mentally ill? Putting up with an at times really embarrassing mom? No, I don’t think so. And of course, there are some real awful parents out there, I’m not doubting that. Trust me, I’m a fan of true crime, so I’ve heard some real grizzly stories of what some kids are forced to grow up with. But I am thinking that those instances are more rare than they are common. Most people with mental illnesses can most likely not blame their parents.

How ‘bout bullies? Yes, them bullies. Them awful mean bullies that made all of our lives so painful. It’s funny, it seems like every school had their own fair share of bullies, and yet no-one as an adult ever comes forward to admit that they themselves were the bullies. It’s almost like as if no-one ever thinks of themselves as being a bully, even when they are throwing rocks at that weird chubby kid with blonde hair who happens to be named Fredrik and who just wants to be left alone. Was I bullied? Well… yes. But I can’t say I got the brunt of it. I got bullied, but overall I’d say I only ever had it slightly worse than most people. I was still quite tall, typically taller than my classmates growing up, and for the most part I could roll with the punches. If you really want to talk about a kid I knew growing up that got bullied, let me tell you about this kid who knew all the right dances for all the right Britney Spears songs. He was gay, I think. Not quite old enough to have come out, I suspect, but, well... He liked all the female pop stars, but not in that way of wanting to kiss them and fondle their boobies, but in the “I want to sound just like them when I grow up” sort of way. I don’t know what happened to him (or them, or her, depending on how they identify now,) but that was real bullying. Like most folks, I found myself stuck in that limbo of seeing others get bullied far worse than me and being too cowardly to intervene, in fears that I’d end up taking their place. Yes, isn’t school just a marvellous place? It’s a wonder any of us turn out okay.

No, I think that, fundamentally, the problems I have arose with myself. This, blaming myself, is not something that I am unused to doing. I have a long history of blaming myself, that’s really the problem. As a teenager I knew that I was different, and I was frightened and scared of being exposed. I didn’t even really know what it was that was different about me, I just knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I didn’t deserve to fit in. The older I got, the more intense these feelings got. And I started taking it out on myself. I started hating myself. And I really mean furiously hating myself. It wasn’t some casual self-loathing, it was searing self-hatred. I did not physically hurt myself, but I did engage with self-harm. I kept repeating the mantras of “I hate myself,” and “I am pathetic,” over and over again, with the ultimate goal of making myself cry. For a period, I couldn’t go to bed without making myself cry first. I began taking days off from school, pretending to be sick. Well, I suppose I was ill, but not physically. I began failing most of my classes, I only ended up doing well in art. I stayed away from school for whole weeks at the time. Once, when I shame-facedly returned to school some of the meaner boys came up to me and said that they were surprised to learn that I was still alive. They were surprised, but also a little disappointed.

This was a time in my life when I really needed psychiatric care. This became increasingly obvious to my parents, and my teachers. I was clearly suffering from depression. Not just some teenaged angst, but full-blown, wholly insidious, depression. But, well, I didn’t get the care that I needed. Oh, I did go to see a psychologist a couple of times, but she saw no reason for me to continue seeing her. I don’t know why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help, frankly, I can’t fathom why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help. I suppose I avoided telling her the truth of what went on inside of my head, but I feel like as if any good psychologist would have been able to tell that the kid sitting across from them was clearly suffering from something a tad more intense than just some common concerns about puberty. At most I was able to confess was that I was feeling ashamed over myself for getting so fat, but it should have been clear to anybody that I was only using that as a hook to hang my self-hatred on. There very clearly was some underlying condition that I had that should have gotten addressed. But it went ignored.

At most I can think to explain this is the fact that I wasn’t “problematic.” Not in the way some kids are, when they’re struggling with their mental health. I did not act out, I did not take drugs, and I was certainly not violent. Even to this day, though I have at many times suffered from suicidal ideation, I am a real low-risk for actual suicide considering my intense fear of dying (yes, that’s an odd combo to have.) So, I’ve come to realise that the only way I am getting treatment is if I actually seek out treatment. And back then, I was just as placid as I had previously always been. I was quiet and introverted, just desperate to get back home so I could go and hide in my room. Many teenagers are like that. And it is easy to ignore them, because they want to be ignored. They just don’t want to exist. When you are desperate to be left alone, eventually people will leave you alone. I would go on to receive psychiatric care later on my life, but only after several years passed. I did have a better time living in my later teenage years, but like with a bone that heals wrong, I needed someone to come in and sort me out. I was sad as a teenager, but I would become really sad as a twenty-something. Hopefully my thirties will be jolly.

#neurodiversity #neurodivergent #autism spectrum disorder #autism #aspergers #mental health

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the-autisticats · 4 years

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Psychosis is 3x more common in autistic people than in the general population. Why?

This is a question that scientists are trying to answer. There’s not enough research on the comorbidity of autism and psychosis to be sure exactly what all of the reasons are for this overlap, but there are some interesting facts about it that I’ll outline here.

Psychosis is a symptom, which is composed of a constellation of smaller symptoms. Psychosis can be caused by schizophrenia spectrum disorders, but it can also be caused by mood disorders, stress, illness, and substance abuse. And research seems to be showing that autism might be a factor in developing psychosis as well.

...

I have always been interested in the connection between psychosis and autism. One of my uncles has a schizophrenia spectrum disorder, which was diagnosed after he went to a psychiatrist to be evaluated for autism- the reason he went in being that he saw himself in me, and wondered if he might be autistic, too. Turns out, he has psychosis.

Within the past few years, I have also been experiencing symptoms associated with psychosis. It would be very difficult for me to accurately identify any “negative” symptoms of psychosis, given that I already experience executive dysfunction, fatigue, sleep & appetite changes, etc. due to my ADHD and physical health problems. However, what I have been noticing are “positive” symptoms of psychosis. Namely: hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia.

My most frequent auditory hallucinations are of my alarm clock, and the cricket alarm on my iPhone. I hear them clearly, as if they’re coming from outside my head, at random periods throughout the day and in different locations, when the actual alarms aren’t going off. Around two years ago, I hallucinated a stranger’s voice calling me into another room. I was extremely confused and disoriented by this, as I got up to look around but nobody was there. I haven’t heard any voices since then, which is good.

I often hallucinate scents associated with significant people, places, and memories, even when those people aren’t present and I’m not in a location where the smell would naturally occur. At first I thought this could be chalked up to migraine aura or something like that, but I don’t get migraines.

I’ve also had extreme “sensed presence” hallucinations where I feel like someone is watching me even though there’s nobody else in the room. At times, this hallucination has fed into paranoid thoughts that there are cameras in my shower drain, etc.

My main delusion in episodes I’ve had in the past has involved the extreme significance of certain numbers and symbols. At the time, I didn’t think anything was wrong. In fact, I was convinced that I was on track to uncover the pattern that organizes everything in the universe, and all of my interpersonal relationships. As part of this delusion I would vocally repeat certain numbers (as a strategy to figure out what they meant), and spend copious amounts of time writing down all of my “findings” in Google documents and notebooks. At one point, I ended up writing down a bunch of dates in a row and adding up all of the digits to discover how they were connected to the numbers 4, 5, and 7, which I had decided were the most important numbers in my life. Looking back on the Google document I stored the data in, I have absolutely no clue what my thought process was at the time.

...

So, I’ve been wondering what all of this means.

When I start putting the pieces together to examine my own life, things start to make some sense.

First, as I mentioned earlier, autistic people are 3x more likely to develop psychosis than the general population. Obviously, that statistic is relevant to my situation, since I’m autistic.

But I’m not just autistic. I also have a decent handful of mental illnesses, each of which overlap and carry their own risk factors for psychosis. The main ones I’ll be talking about here are severe generalized anxiety/panic disorder, OCD, and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I consider my OCD and BPD to be ~spicy spinoffs~ of anxiety, because they have the same root cause: my anxious, socially traumatized brain. We’ll get to that in a bit.

For now, here are some statistics:

A study conducted in 2012 found that psychotic symptoms were present in 27% of people with anxiety and/or depression.

A study conducted in 2014 found that people with OCD are around 5x more likely to develop schizophrenia than the general population.

A study conducted in 2017 found that 43% of people with BPD experience hallucinations, and stated that other studies have found prevalence rates of hallucinations in BPD ranging from 26% to 54%.

...

So alright, great, I’ve got a lot of risk factors. But what caused me to have those risk factors/mental illnesses in the first place? Let’s look at this specifically from an autistic lens. I’ve already talked about a lot of this in my “Autism and Mental Health” post on our Instagram, but these statistics are worth repeating in this context:

Around 40% of autistic people meet criteria for one or more anxiety disorders at any given time, compared to only 15% of the general population.

Autistic people are 4x more likely than neurotypicals to be clinically depressed at some point in their lives.

Autistic people are 4x more likely than the general population to experience severe loneliness.

Autistic people are 3x more likely than the general population to experience maltreatment (a catch-all term for various forms of abuse).

A study conducted in 2012 found that 63% of autistic children had been bullied, and were 3x more likely to be bullied than their neurotypical siblings.

And what does the research say about the long-term effects of bullying and abuse?

According to a 2012 study, children who are bullied by their peers are at an increased risk of developing Borderline Personality Disorder. And BPD is, as previously established, a risk factor for developing psychosis.

According to a 2014 study, people who were bullied in childhood are 11x more likely to develop anxiety disorders in adulthood, but especially OCD. And, as previously mentioned, people with OCD are 5x more likely to develop schizophrenia.

But the link between bullying and psychosis gets even more explicit than that.

A 2013 study found that children who had been bullied were 2x more likely to experience psychosis symptoms than typical controls, and that children experiencing first-time psychotic episodes were 2x more likely than typical controls to report having been bullied in the past.

...

This is not to say that being bullied and abused is the only reason why autistic people sometimes develop psychosis. There are obviously a great deal of different factors, some genetic & biological, that lead to the development of mental illness. But the role of trauma and other social/environmental factors can’t be discounted.

If two people are exposed to the same negative experience, it’s possible that one will become traumatized and one won’t. That’s because one person may have been genetically/biologically predisposed to have heightened fear responses to environmental stimuli, while the other person didn’t have the same predisposition. Yet, the genetically predisposed person would not have been traumatized if they had not experienced the negative event.

I was bullied as a child. I was also abused. Both of those things deeply affected me, because I’m autistic and therefore hypersensitive. The trauma caused me to develop BPD and severe abandonment anxiety, which often feeds into paranoia. My generalized anxiety also morphed into OCD, which caused me to have disturbing intrusive thoughts, and compulsions. All of this predisposed me to develop psychosis. And in the past few years, *surprise*, I’ve started having psychotic symptoms.

When I look back on my life experiences and how they interacted with my autistic brain & positive family history of psychosis, none of this is surprising. It actually makes perfect sense. And because it makes perfect sense, in a way I’m reassured. My hallucinations and delusions fit the pattern, so there’s no need for me to be scared. I know why this is happening. The trajectory is predictable. And if I keep taking care of myself and monitoring symptoms, I know I’ll be alright.

~Eden🐢

#actually autistic #autism #autistic #ableism #autismacceptance #psychosis #schizo spectrum #schizoaffective #borderline personality disorder #ocd

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media-on-the-mind101 · 3 years

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Turtles All the Way Down: OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Book)

* May contain spoilers*

I recently finished reading Turtles All the Way Down by John Green, and it is now one of my favorite novels. The story hit me close to home because it deals with a disorder that I was diagnosed with. I thought writing an article about it would be a good way to educate you readers, while also sharing a little bit about myself.

Turtles All the Way Down is story about a teenage girl named Aza Holmes who suffers from OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The story shows how the disorder impacts her daily life as well as her relationships. Because the author suffers from the disorder in real life, the depiction is fairly accurate. However, I spotted a few things that might suggest a whole different diagnosis whatsoever. The story also covers Aza’s treatment which I felt was missing a lot of important things.

According to the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a disorder where a person gets caught in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are intrusive thoughts that trigger distressing feelings, while compulsions are repetitive behaviors that are performed to relieve anxiety or prevent something bad from happening. OCD is often confused with OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) which is characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. OCPD is often portrayed as OCD in the media which means that stereotypical OCD is really OCPD.

While Aza does have obsessions that involve cleaning, they are more about health and less about being organized. People with OCD often have a specific thing they worry about, and for Aza it is contracting an infection from a parasite called C-diff which essentially causes food poisoning and stomach damage. While she doesn’t really do anything to neutralize or cancel her thoughts out, she repeatedly reads articles online and uses hand sanitizer to relieve her anxiety.

As you may already have figured out, people with OCD often have illogical thought patterns and they are fully aware of it. But their anxiety makes them perform their compulsion anyway “just to make sure.” This is seen in the book when Aza drinks a bottle of hand sanitizer to insure that all bad bacteria inside her body are cured. Of course we all know, that drinking hand sanitizer would actually be more harmful then helpful.

“Drinking hand sanitizer is not going to make you healthier, you crazy fuck. But they can talk to your brain. THEY can tell your brain what to think, and you can’t. So, who’s running the show? Stop it, please (pg. 210).

In this scene, Aza knows that drinking hand sanitizer is actually more harmful then helpful, but she feels as if something is controlling her brain. The “they” refers to her OCD and she tells it to stop but isn’t able to control it.

While reading the book, I noticed that some of Aza’s symptoms don’t quite fit the diagnosis of OCD, such as her feeling of not knowing if she is awake or dreaming, real or non-existent. In one chapter she says the following:

“the pressing of my thumbnail against my fingertip had started off as a way of convincing myself that I was real . . . every time I thought maybe I wasn’t real, I would dig my nail into my fingertip, and I would feel the pain, and for a second I’d think, Of course I’m real” (pg.106).

The feeling of disconnect she has from her own body and surroundings are actually symptoms of DDD (Depersonalization - Derealization Disorder). According to the DSM, the disorder is characterized by persistent feelings of being a stranger to yourself or your surroundings. According to Psychology Today, however, you have to have no signs of other mental illness that can explain your symptoms, in order to be diagnosed with DDD. This is when diagnosing a patient becomes challenging; so many disorders can have similar symptoms or be co-morbid with each other that it they can difficult to differentiate.

The other symptom I noticed that is actually its own disorder, is the fact that Aza has a habit of digging her nail into her fingertip to the point where her finger becomes scarred. While picking of the skin is often comorbid with OCD, it is actually a separate disorder called excoriation disorder or dermatillomania. According to mhanational.org, this disorder is characterized by picking of the skin that creates skin lesions and that causes disruption in everyday life. It is true that the disorder falls under the category of obsessive compulsive disorders in the DSM, but excoriation disorder is not the same as OCD.

Now we’ve defined what OCD is, but another important part of how the book portrays it is in the treatment. According to Mayoclinic.com, the most common treatments for OCD include CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), exposure therapy, and medications such as SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). These are the treatments that I had during my childhood, and they have been statistically proven to be very effective.

In the book Aza sees a therapist and takes medication, but she doesn’t get exposure therapy, one of the main treatments for OCD. Aza mainly gets CBT which is essentially talk therapy, but she is not forced to face her obsessions without performing her compulsions. An example of this would be touching a dirty substance and then forcing herself not to take out her phone or use hand sanitizer.

The last important thing is how OCD effects a peoples relationships. Throughout the story, the characters in Aza’s life talk about how hard she is to deal with. One scene toward the end really emphasizes the importance of this issue. In this scene, Aza and her best friend Daisy get into an argument because Daisy feels that Aza is too self-centered.

She says “and you’re so, like, pathologically uncurious that you don’t even know what you don’t know.” And later she adds “I don’t mean that you’re a bad friend or anything. But you’re slightly tortured, and the way you’re tortured is sometimes also painful for, like, everyone around you”(pg. 216).

Daisy is frustrated because she feels like Aza is so caught up in her own thoughts that she never shows any interest in the lives of others. When she says Aza is “tortured” and it makes it painful for everyone around her, this shows just how much her illness impacts her relationships with other people. Basically, people find her difficult to be around because they, in a sense, have to experience everything with her and they begin to lose patience. At the end of this scene, the two girls get into a car accident because they weren’t paying attention to the road.

Aza’s other important relationship in the story is with is Davis, who is like a friend with benefits. The reason he never becomes Aza’s boyfriend is because of her social anxiety and fear of contamination that prevents her from being physically close to people.

“I enjoyed being with him more in this nonphysical space, but I also felt the need to board up the windows of myself. Me: I feel kinda precarious in general, and I can’t really date you. Or date anyone. I’m sorry but I can’t. I like you, but I can’t date you” (pg. 162).

I this scene, Aza reveals that she communicates better online then in person and this suggests that she has some form of social anxiety.

Another scene tells us just how much her fear of germs effects her life: “billions of people kiss and don’t die just make sure his microbes aren’t going to permanently colonize you come on please stop this . . . then you’ll get C. diff and boom dead in four days please fucking stop just kiss him JUST CHECK TO MAKE SURE. I pulled away” (pg. 152).

In this scene, Aza has difficulty being physically intimate with Davis because her fear of germs prevents from enjoying it like most people would. Based on this fact, we could predict that Aza will have difficulty in her future relationships because of her mental illness and this is a great example of how it effects people in real life.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, the author John Green himself suffers from OCD. Compared to his own experiences, the book is pretty similar. Like the main character, Green suffers from obsessions about contamination. In an episode of the Vlogbrothers Youtube channel, Green explains that

“I might worry out of nowhere that my food is contaminated or somehow poisoned and then somehow suddenly that will be the only thought I'm able to think . . . I can lose all control over my thoughts for an extended period of time to the extent that I can't follow what's happening in a TV show or read a book.” (Green).

*John Green, author of Turtles All the Way Down*

So like Aza, he worries about contamination to the point where he can’t focus on anything else. He also has the same kinds of thought spirals :

“the compulsive behaviors I use to cope with these obsessive thought spirals, repeatedly checking my food for contamination, for instance, or spending hours Googling what will happen to me if I eat moldy bread.” (Green).

As you can see, the characters compulsion of checking in internet comes straight from the author’s real life experience. According to the New York Times, John Green developed the disorder at around seven years old and eventually got it under control with the right medication and CBT. It was not said weather or not he underwent exposure therapy. So the treatment that Aza receives is based on the way some treatments work in real life.

While reading Turtles All the Way Down I often found myself feeling nostalgic because my own experience with OCD is very similar. Although I do not have an obsession with a specific thing like Aza does, I have the same types of intrusive thoughts. I also have similar compulsions to seek reassurance from the internet or other people about my health, as well as other compulsions to neutralize, or cancel out my thoughts.

Because I had Tourette Syndrome (a neurological disorder that causes physical impulses) as a child, I developed what is called Tourettic OCD. It is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; Tourette Syndrome and OCD combined. The reason this occurs in some individuals is because the ability to filter out and thoughts and the impulse to move, take place in the same brain area, the basal ganglia. As a result of this, my compulsions tend to be more physical, such as moving my eyes excessively whenever I see negative words in a book, or someone getting sick in a movie.

Like Aza, I went through CBT but I also went through several years of exposure therapy and I take an SSRI in conjunction. I think exposure therapy is a very important part of the treatment of disorders such as OCD and PTSD and I was disappointed that the book did not include it. I think that if you are going to educate a person about disorder, then you have to educate them about the treatment as well. In conclusion, Turtles All the Way Down was a great novel that captured OCD more accurately then any movie I have seen. The fact that the author has the disorder makes it all the more realistic and personal, and I have to say as a person with OCD and a psychology major, I was quite pleased with the way the character was portrayed. The story may have been missing a few important elements but overall it provided a realistic way of educating people about the disorder.

#john green #turtles all the way down #ocd #mental health #mental illness #books and literature #psychology

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mindofharry · 4 years

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Can you do one where Harry finds out the reader has an eating disorder ❤️ p.s love your blog

thank you !! I LOVE U!! 🥺🥺 ** mentions of eating disorders and ocd **

it was no secret that y/n was different. She had been told that all her life. by doctors. By men. By women. Her friends. Family. And it was never in a good way. she always had limits. With clothing, with food, with friends. This isn’t ‘I’m a good girl’ shit. Y/n needed things to be a certain way. And to do that, she needed to limit herself. so when her friends were out doing what normal 21 year olds do — she would be cleaning down her apartment for the seventh time in two days. When her friends would invite her places, she needed to know exactly what was going to be happening, what food there would be — she needed to know two weeks in advance so she could plan her outfits and meals.

her therapy group were the only people that understood different was ok. y/n was different but she was a good different. Her brain worked differently to other people. and after a really hard couple of years, she finally figured it out — limits were bad. she needed to let go. Let go of food. And clothes. And limits. It was so hard at first. She hadn’t cleaned her house in 3 days. and she hadn’t wrote down how many calories she had eaten in a week. she really struggled. And she relapsed more times than she ever wanted to. it was so hard.

but then she met Harry.

he was sweet and funny and understood different. Nothing like y/n, but he understood the pressure and anxiety. He understood limits. being famous isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be most of the time. The anxiety was worth it in the end — but he wished it didn’t come with the job. He didn’t sign up for limits or depression. but that’s what he got — so he understood her pain. Her pain of just wanting to crawl back into bed. to look at old pictures and pick out every flaw she could see. He understood her. And thats when y/n got her first boyfriend.

She didn’t tell him about her “different” lifestyle. she didn’t think she needed to as she thought she was past it. The past should just stay in the past she thought — and honestly she was too scared to talk to anyone other than her therapists as she didn’t want to trigger anything. But that was too late. She pushed her self too far — agreeing to go to a concert with Harry. At first she was having a great time. Dancing and singing with Harry. And then she could feel their germs. And she could see how much food there was. She felt disgusted. And her clothes. Everyone would see how fat she was. she couldn’t take it anymore. Taking out her notebook from her purse in the arenas bathroom.

2 x chocolate bars

1 x salad

3 slices of toast with butter

fries

Coke and tea

Burger with extra lettuce and meat

once she was done writing down what she ate — it was time to throw it all back up. she wiped down the whole bathroom first and then got on the ground and made herself sick. She felt good for a bit. she felt really good. And then she realised what she did. she ditched her boyfriend for throwing up her food. she ditched her boyfriend because of limits.

“Y/n? you in here” Harry called out not really caring he was in the women’s bathroom.

Y/n walked out in front of Harry her mascara down her cheeks and hair messed up.

“I’m sorry” she sobbed and he immediately brought her into a hug confused.

“i did it again” she sobbed “why am I such a fuck up” she yelled banging on her head.

“no no no. you are not a fuck up baby! look at me! you are the most beautiful and smart person I have ever met. You are so kind and you put everyone before yourself” Harry said kissing her cheeks. “I love you a lot. You are my favourite person in the world” he said brushing away the tear that fell down her flushed cheek.

“I’m different Harry” she said looking up at him “i have obsessions and compulsions, haz. I obsess over food and limits and cleaning. I used to clean my house 3 or 4 times a day. I carried around a fucking diary with what I ate and would punish myself If I ate more than I should’ve” she cried and Harry shook his head.

“I love you. I love you and all the baggage you have y/n! you’re not getting rid of me that easily”

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an-n-alyst · 4 years

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8.14.20

Dear Reader,

Hello again! I hope everyone’s been safe and well since my last post. I got positive feedback from my original post so I figured I’d hop back on here and keep this thing going.

Today I wanted to talk about OCD itself and the misconceptions and/or stigmas that surround it. I also wanted to touch lightly on my own interpretation of it.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a mental illness that causes a person to, as the name would tell you, have compulsions, obsessions or both! Compulsions are what I would describe as feeling the need to perform certain routines, rituals or actions for reasons that don’t always make sense. I, like most adults with OCD, realize both during and after the compulsions that they are irrational. However, this understanding doesn’t change the outcome. I still have to complete my rituals and routines.

One of the most prevalent rituals in my life currently is my water drinking, which I mentioned briefly in my first upload. I am only allowed to take sips or gulps of water (or any drink) in intervals of 3 or 5. Typically, if it exceeds 3, I will only drink in intervals of 5. If I feel that I’ve swallowed too much or too little in one of the sips then I have to continue on for another 5 sips. I never lose count and I never drink any beverage without hearing numbers in my head. So there’s that.

The water-drinking is actually one of my more recent routines that I’ve developed. The sock thing has probably been around for about ten years, by now. That’s a big one that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to grow out of. It’s almost like a joke to me at this point, despite still having to blindly adhere to these rules that my brain has put into place.

Probably one of the oldest compulsions that I have is the compulsion to touch and put pressure on the center of an object if I touch it. Now, this doesn’t mean I run around touching EVERYTHING in my sight. It also doesn’t mean that I have to do it with every object I touch. Typically it becomes a compulsion when I pay attention and realize that no, I’m not touching the very direct center of that object. By center, I’m referring to what I would consider to be the middle point in the space. I have to touch the center of the couch cushion I’m leaned up against. I have to touch the center of that piece of paper I just picked up. I have to align my arm with the center of my chest when I sleep on my stomach because if the pressure on my sternum even feels remotely off-balance then I completely lose my composure and become very uncomfortable.

Let me tell you, I have woken up with COUNTLESS tingly arms due to them falling asleep while underneath me.

It’s also a really big inconvenience when I realize I’ve touched something off center, and I can’t go back to touch the very middle because I’m in public or other people are watching and I would look like a total wack job. Typically I’ll find a way to do it and try to look casual so that nobody notices. I think if I tried to explain to them what was happening, then they wouldn’t quite understand. The public tends to have a different idea of OCD than what it actually is.

Okay, this might sound preachy and cliche, but I gotta emphasize that these thoughts and opinions are my own and don’t represent anyone else with OCD. This is just my experience.

It doesn’t necessarily bother me when someone who very obviously does not have OCD says something along the lines of “oh geez, I’m so OCD, I have to keep my house spotless.” More often than not I just shrug my shoulders and go about my day. Some people tend to think that OCD is just a need to keep things very clean and organized, which is the case for some with OCD! Hand-washing is one of the most common compulsions.

I completely get it if you do feel some type of way about keeping things clean and tidy. I even get it if you feel the need to organize things a certain way. The politically correct way to express this is not by saying “I’m so OCD about xyz” but by saying that you experience Obsessive Compulsive Behaviors.

OCB is very different than OCD. OCD is a mental illness that is so pervasive into the mind that it negatively affects the quality of life for its sufferers. I would guess that most people who organize and label their kitchen pantries don’t ride the same struggle bus as those of us with clinically diagnosed OCD. But who knows, I’m just making assumptions! I could be wrong. It all very much depends on the person and I couldn’t possibly know what everyone is going through. This is sadly just the case as society has surrounded OCD with a stigma of just being someone who likes to keep things clean.

If you feel like you may have OCD, or are experiencing Obsessive Compulsive Behaviors, then I really can’t recommend therapy enough. There are also so many resources out there that can help us better understand how this disorder functions in a person and what we can do to overcome it. Medication is something that’s helped greatly with me, and there are several options that you can discuss with a doctor for treating OCD. If you’ve read this and now think “okay, I don’t have OCD but I definitely experience some behaviors” then great! (Or not great, maybe, but good for you for coming to terms with this!) That’s absolutely fine and your feelings are valid. I hope that I at least cleared things up for a couple of people and you either walk away from this post with a better understanding of what this disorder is, or what may be going on with you or a loved one in your personal life. If you do relate to some of what I’ve been describing and suspect that you might suffer from OCD, please reach out to a medical professional for a diagnosis and a treatment plan!

That’s really all I have to say on the matter and I’m sorry that I didn’t have any funny jokes or stories this time to break the ice but I wanted this post to be a little more informative and also to express my personal opinion on people romanticizing/generalizing the disorder. If you feel like I got something wrong or would like to offer a rebuttal then please feel free to do so! Leave me a comment or reply. Like I said, this is all simply my opinion shared from my own experience with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

It’s pretty late at night so I’m gonna sign off here now, but thanks for hanging with me for post 2 and let’s hope that there are many more to come! If you’d like to give me a follow or reblog then I wouldn’t object. Or, like I said, feel free to leave a comment or begin a dialogue! I would love to talk more about it and share more of my experiences, and hopefully even hear about others’ experiences, too!

Until next time, stay safe and be well.

- AV

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metalchickaf19 · 5 years

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The Bowers Gang: Ship #15 - Henry Bowers

Request: hello i would like to request a ship, if you don't mind +_+ i'm not really tall,average build, really long dark hair. i'm fond of formal office wear and in general prefer dark colors and non-revealing clothes, if that makes sense. as a person i try my best to be a good friend though at some times i'm a bit too caring and at others times i care less than i should bc i'm sick or busy af(i easily get sick.). i tend to be anxious and even a bit paranoid bc of some kind of ocd i dunno ( i get all those unnecessary thoughts like "i should leave the bus immediately bc i've got a bad feeling about this dude" and then i should look 10 times to the left and 10 to the right to calm myself somehow ._.) my hobbies is reading (mostly scandinavian detectives), watching films and playing tabletop role-playing games. also i secretly like date sims. in society i try my best to be polite and patient(i'm this person who takes all the shit goin my way to stop conflict from happening), but with my friends i can be more open and even impulsive. that's it. i hope it's not too much and my english is okay.

First and foremost, it’s kind of astonishing that you were even able to befriend The Bowers Gang at all - let alone start hooking up with their leader

Their reputation (+ Hockstetter’s hardcore creeper vibe) kept your paranoia on high alert for a long time - so much so that it was all you could do not to drop the few classes you had with specific members of the group

... And it was that insane, animal fear that would eventually cause the guys to target you later on

Hey - you were walking down the hall one day, saw the guys standing around Belch’s locker, and instantly turned on your heel to avoid them

I can’t help the fact that Patrick saw you do that

And I can’t help the fact that that gave he and the guys reason enough to start messing with you

Wound up resulting in a super adorable relationship with Bowers though, so yay (and genuine yay this time - not yay with a question mark attached to it)

Joins in whenever the guys make fun of your “office wear” proclivity (and they make fun of it often)...

... but secretly kind of likes the fact that you prefer non-revealing clothing

Mostly because he’s a misogynistic bastard who doesn’t want the girls he dates “on display” for everyone else, but still - Bowers is down with the corporate causal aesthetic

Sometimes lets you read to him, which is one of the most endearing thing I’ve ever heard

Was originally something you only did when Henry got sick (he was in a fever-coma once, and you figured some quality Scandinavian literature couldn’t hurt), but now it happens basically every time he wants to get his mind off of something

... And Bowers wants to get his mind off of something a lot

So it’s not uncommon for people to catch you reading to him while he carves into things with his knife, puts his head in his arms and “sleeps,” etc.

Generally tries to look like he’s not paying attention to the story, even though it’s obvious he’s invested (i.e. glances over at the book for a second when something surprising happens, tends to open his eyes during intense parts when he’s had them closed for a while ...)

Aka: One of the most dangerous people in the city of Derry is becoming a hardcore reading buff, and that’s 100% because of you - congratulations

Makes all the guys check up on you whenever you get sick

... Seriously, it’s so cute - you’ll just be sitting at home, all stuffed up and gross, when suddenly you’ll get a random knock at the door

... at which point you’ll open it to find either Belch, Victor, or Patrick standing there with the rest of the guys waiting in the car behind them

Just let that imagery sink in...

Have you fully appreciated how adorable it is?

Okay, then.

Sometimes you get a Victor Criss care-package complete with aspirin, tissues, and suckers to keep you going (hence why you tend to hope it’s Victor when you hear that knock on your door), but it usually has something Hockstetter-esque added to it in the few instances when Patrick gets to bring it to you

... He once switched out a little book of poems Criss gave you with a pocket-sized copy of the Kama Sutra

Just had that on him for some reason - pocket-sized copy of the Kama Sutra

Regardless though, Henry never comes to the door (even though the guys always show up on his orders) because he’s too macho to show he’s concerned about your well-being even though it’s painfully clear he’s concerned about your well-being

Have fun with that even mix of ice and passionate care

*Somewhat triggering, but kind of lighthearted side-note*

Patrick is the single worst thing that has ever happened for your anxiety issues, and he loves every second of it

Sometimes physically interferes with your compulsions, because he doesn’t want you to be able to calm yourself (holds your face still when you try to turn your head back and forth a certain number of times, will block your exit if you start to feel overwhelmed in a specific setting, etc.)

Also actively triggers a lot of your intrusive thoughts (”You really feel safe right now, princess?” *Ultra-specific Hockstetter smirk created to make you doubt yourself* “Really?”)

Also sits behind you in one of the classes you share together, and constantly does things to fuck with your hair

It’s not really important, I’m just letting you know

Sometimes keeps a lighter under the ends just long enough to create that “singed” smell, twists a few locks around his fingers, etc.

Basically just wants to remind you that he’s there (right behind you) as often as he can, and has always liked your long dark hair, so that’s the route he takes

I’m so sorry for the paranoia in you; truly

*Somewhat triggering, yet kind of lighthearted side-note over*

You, Belch, and Victor are arguably the most tight-knit friends in the gang, and it’s kind of amazing on every level

Ya’ll share 3/6 classes together (without Patrick or Henry), so you really got used to being your authentic selves around one another over time

Nerdy inside jokes, deep talks, genuine “this is me” moments - you guys have it all (and, to be honest, you’d all be super down to arrange a hangout without the other guys if any one of you had the balls to suggest it)

Low-key very similar to The Losers’ Club when it’s just the three of you, but we’ll pretend I never said that

Victor came to one of your table-top gaming sessions once

Only attended the one time (because cold-blooded reputation/genuine lack of skill), but he befriended some of your nice table-top gaming compatriots, so good job being a positive influence

... Alright... now get ready for some pretty legit unpleasantness

Henry unloads on you often because he knows you’re willing to take it, and sometimes the kid just can’t help himself

You know that scene from the movie where he yelled at Belch to shut up (when he was cutting Ben)?

Yeah - that type of rage-filled Bowers energy has been directed at you in the past

Low-key one of the most unhealthy aspects of your relationship, but you tend to default to radio-silence at the first sign of Henry starting to lose it on you (what with your dislike of conflict and such), so it typically never escalates past one hardcore outburst (like Belch’s “shut up!”)

Never outright apologizes to you for it, but tends to try to get physically close to you after he calms down as an indirect way of saying he’s sorry

I.e. Will sit down next to you without saying anything, will come into a room you’re in and awkwardly walk around without acknowledging you, etc.

Basically just tries to let you know he was wrong with his actions rather than with his words

... And if you want a future with Bowers, you’re gonna’ have to get used to accepting apologies you never got like that

Sorry - it’s just the way his broken brain works

Overall though, a great relationship, and one that works well with the rest of the guys

They all love you, dude - you’ve been accepted. Just feel that

#henry bowers #patrick hockstetter #belch huggins #victor criss #the bowers gang #the bowers gang headcanons #it

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vesperthine · 5 years

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it's not widely known, but while june is pride month, june 2nd is World Eating Disorders Action Day.

and i know, i've been talking about it a lot lately; about eating, small victories and our disordered society. and it's because during the small breaks when i've been at the lab, i've read so much about eating disorders, just to make sense of it; my own behaviors as well as others'. and i've learned a few things.

first and foremost: it's the mental illness with the second highest morality rate (opoid addiction being the first, at least in the us) and yet, it's attributed to something spoiled, rich, white girls do; it's a women's disease born out of vanity and you should be ashamed. especially if you purge.

it couldn't be farther from the truth.

so today i wanted to share a few things that i've learned these past three months; facts that have helped me a lot, and that i think i should alert more people to.

1. restrictive eating disorders have a biological/genetic component; it's a response to famine and can be induced in laboratory mice with the responding genes.

this is called the migration theory. and basically, it poses this: going into prolonged energy deficit -- either from a diet, a long period of illness or of stress, such as after a trauma -- makes your cave man brain believe you're in a famine. most people deal fine with this. they eat and rest a little more because they're tired and thus keep themselves in a (relative) energy balance. however, if you have the genetic predisposition for an eating disorder, your brain thinks the best way to adapt is to migrate; you have got to move away from the environment you're in because food is scarce. so, you gotta move a lot and if you stop to eat, you'll fall behind your tribe and die. that's why people with restrictive eating disorders often have an excerise compulsion and why food induces anxiety.

2. when you're malnourished, you go a bit insane.

you get depressed, slow, numb, mean and obsessive. especially with food; you get hyper-aware of what and how others eat and even more so with what (and if) you're eating. this has been observed in the famous Minnesota Starvation Study, where healthy people were put on a semi-starvation diet for six months and observed. and they all became odd; several collected recipe books and read them obsessively. food porn, if you'd like.

3. people with anorexia nervosa are 57 times more likely to commit suicide than their age and sex-matched peers.

the physical symptoms can be deadly, such as electrolyte imbalance, rupturing of the eosaphagus from purging, and heart attacks even at a healthy weight. but it's the mental torture of the illness that is the most common cause of death. the genetic locus involved in anorexia nervosa is very close to the locus responsible for OCD. for some, this might mean that their OCD gets infinitely worse when they restrict (aka starve) or if you don't have OCD when you're healthy, you get the similar symptoms anyways, especially around food.

4. bulimia/anorexia athletica is a very real thing.

not as a clinical diagnosis, but purging not through vomiting, but through excessive exercise is a sign often missed by clinicians. exercise is so hyped up as a Good Thing™ in our society that compensatory overexercise flies under the radar. it's getting better, but too often people get a green light for exercise too early and end up relapsing.

5. the majority of people with restrictive eating disorders are of a normal weight.

they are anxiety disorders with serious physical consequences. not the other way around. and no matter your weight, you can still be malnourished and suffering a great deal. don't let anyone invalidate your experience, and fight until you get the help and support that you need to recover ♡

#world eating disorders action day #i just needed to get this out #hope you don't mind!#tomorrow i present my bachelor thesis #& then i'm finally free!

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dragonprisgifts · 4 years

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Ways of dealing with depression.

During this time of year a lot of people suffer from depression in some way. Matter of fact, I have had several people come to me wanting to knows ways to help treat and deal with depression. I am not a psychiatrist, but I have almost 40 years of dealing with depression. I was diagnosed with ptsd at the early age of 5. I have spent many years learning everything I can to help deal with the depression and other symptoms of this illness. I don't suffer depression any more the way that I use to. I would love to say that I don't suffer with depression any more. I can say that most days I am no longer depressed. I would like to share with you some of the many ways that I deal with it so that others can get some relief. Most days I am no longer a sufferer of this horrible illness and I hope that this post can help others live their lives with little to no depression. I do recommend some form of exercise. This can be anything that gets you up and moving. I am not one to stick to an exercise routine. So I got myself some chickens. They need care daily and weekly they need to have their coup cleaned. This has helped with my depression and has me in better physical shape than I have ever been. I love spending time with my chickens and now I have included ducks in my flock of birds. House work can be a form of exercise too. I know most people don't want to do housework to get the exercise they need to beat depression, but a clean home can go a long way to lifting ones mood. The thing to remember about physical activity is that if you don't enjoy it or want to do it you won't. So pick something you will not only want to do, but also enjoy doing. This way you will get the great benefits of the exercise of your choice.

The next thing I recommend is meditation. This doesn't have to be any length of time. I do 30 second meditations through out my day by just focusing on my breathing. You don't have to spend a lot of time meditating and it is really easier than you think. One way i tell people to meditate, is by looking into the flame of a candle. All you have to do is focus on the flame and watch it dance around. There are many sources that can help with meditation. Youtube has many guided meditation videos if you wish for more in depth meditations.

If you are one of those people who seem to only see things in a negative way, then get a friend, family member or a lover to help you. This is something I myself suffered from most of my life and contributed to my own depression. Not to mention it left me friendless. After all, who wants to be friends with someone who is always so negative about everything. I had the help of Hope Place in 2010. A wonderful lady there set me down and was very real with me. She saw that I had so much potential to have a very happy life; but felt that my negative outlook would be the one thing that would be the thing that would keep me from ever having that happy life. She helped me by pointing out every time I said anything negative and would encourage me to say at least one positive thing about the subject I was currently talking so negatively about. By the time it was time for me to leave Hope Place, I was no where as negative as I had been. It wasn't perfect, but it was at the point where I could catch my own self being negative and stop myself. It did take me a couple of years before I could say I was no longer focusing on only the negative. By changing my focus on what I talked about, I realized that my own negative thoughts had changed too. This has helped me fight my depression in a very big way. Don't forget that there are anti-depressants out there that can also help. For that you will have to go to see a psychiatrist. There is no shame in getting the help that you need. We all need help from time to time. There are herbs that are known to help out also. Here is a list of a few of them. I recommend you talk to your doctor first before using these as a means of treatment. Arctic Root- Boosts overall physical and mental vitality. Increases resilience to physical and mental (emotional) Stresses. Impacts the mood. Great for fast results. Ashwagandha- It's similar to Arctic Root. Reduces levels of the stress hormone Cortisol. Great for depression that is combined with stress, anxiety and insomnia. Curcumin- is the main active ingredient in tumeric. Renown for it's anti-inflamitory and brain boosting properties. As effective as Prozac. Treats obsessive compulsive disorders and major depression. Can be took for an indefinite amount of time. If you have any urinary troubles please consult your doctor before consuming. Ginkgo- Is a lot like Arctic Root and Ashwagandha. Can improve memory. Increase blood flow to the brain. Lowers Cortisol levels. Saffron- Rare and known for fraud due to how expensive it is. As effective as Prozac. Reduces hunger and the urge to snack. Great for anxiety, stress, OCD, and PMS. If pregnant, do not take in high doses, and talk to your doctor first. Arsenicum album- when depression is accompanied by anxiety and gastric destress. Aurum Metallicum- for depressed workaholics dealing with a personal or business setback. Ignatia Amara- for depression that follows grief, loss or shock. Natrium Muriaticum- for sensitive people who bottle up their anger or grief. Pulsatilla Nigricans- when depression is due to hormonal changes or emotional neediness. Sepia- for postnatal or menopausal women who have lost their zest for life. I hope this helps anyone who is in need, to help them fight the battle of depression. With these tips I hope to give you a fighting chance to beat this illness that has crippling effects for those who's are suffering from it. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Stay safe and healthy and as always, Blessed Be! Read the full article

#Depression #WaystotreatDepression

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one-last-puku · 2 years

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My mom hates that I'm like this.

She hates that I'm always trying to talk about science and psychology and fun facts and shit. She hates it. I don't understand, this is great shit I'm talking about, here!

Last night, on the way from Grandma's she's like "Yes, I really hate it. Why do you always have to be so technical and psychoanalyze everything!?"

"This is me, I absolutely cannot be any other way. This is literally how I talk, I prefer to use words and speech I feel best describe what I'm trying to say, it's what's natural for me. You remember, I've always been this way. I was born an over analyzing MACHINE! Even when you met me at 4 years old, you said I had very "eloquent" speech. At the private school (that I went to from Pre-K to 1st grade), the staff said that I was very inquisitive. You and dad both have always, always said I'm waay too technical about everything. I've always been this way."

"But you had such a large vocabulary."

"And it's only gotten so, so much larger since then. I only speak to you like this because I felt you could handle it."

"Well, I can't."

"...Maybe I just like to tease you."

I dunno.. I think it's funny. X9

Just because, here, have my most recent Google searches.

These are just from yesterday, and that's not yesterday's full list. A lot of these are just verifying what I think I know, things I've forgotten, and the rest are questions that randomly come to mind. Actually, sometimes I imagine whoever would possibly read what I've written, how they might react, and then Google search as of I were that person, also a form of verification, I guess... I think some of this is a stim or part of my OCD.

My mom even asked "Were you looking up all this stuff when you were supposed to be looking for a job?"

Nervous sweat 😅 " aah, umm... It was during a break!!"

Edit: Even just now I just Google searched "complusive" and "impulsive" for this post to make sure I was using the right term. Aaand now I'm going to replace compulsive to impulsive to verify if "compulsive impulsive google searching is a stim." Though OCD overtook the results, I get frustrated because I know not all of my impulsive google searching is due to anxiety. Most of it isn't. It's to stimulate my brain.

Also, yesterday my mom and grandma got frustrated because I got confused and thought I should correct what was said, to make sure she meant what she said and was aware.

My mom says: "My... Credit score..... Is lower."

She stops talking when she's thinking about many things and processing thoughts. It's not uncommon for her to randomly say something from her head without saying the rest for context. She'll also get upset if my dad or I don't know what she's talking about and try to pull out the missing information. I'm fairly certain she also has ADHD.

I say "Oh no... I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?"

"No, that's a good thing, (my name)."

"No....? A lower credit score isn't good."

"That's not what I said! My balance is lower!"

"Noo... You said your credit score is lower. Credit Score and balance are not the same thing "

"They pretty much are."

"No! A credit score is a score based on your credit habits, and a balance is how much you have left to pay on your credit card."

My grandma and my mom start getting frustrated saying things like. "Yeah, pretty much the same thing." "You know that she meant!" "Why do you always have to be so technical!"

And then as my grandma starts to speak again, my mom cuts in "--don't bother. There's no point in arguing with her."

Yeah, honestly, what an absolutely pointless argument, so exasperating. "Oh my god, holy crap! You literally said that your credit score was lower. How was I supposed to know that you meant lower balance!? A lower credit score is bad and a lower balance is good! As I said, they are not the same thing!"

Then they were just like "Yeah, ok." Dismissively.

#puku's random thoughts #ocd #adhd #maybe autism

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kt-bergs · 6 years

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I know it might seem stupid or childish to write personal things on Tumblr, but when I first started recovery it is where I found this amazing community of girls going through the same exact thing I was going through and I finally realized that I wasn’t going through anything alone, which was an awesome feeling, and one I had never experienced before with my disorder. And even now, I can put “hey having a hard day” and friends from that time in my life will text me and be like “JUST CHECKING ON YOU” which is fucking awesome. It’s like a bat signal. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have that. It feels good to get stuff OUT into the world, as opposed to keeping it locked inside of my brain or a private journal. Telling my secrets healed me in a way I can’t really explain to someone who has never been through it. It set me free.

SO all of this is to say that I’ve had a really REALLY tough week. A lot is working against me. I moved cities at probably not a great time in my life to do so, but I just said FUCK IT and went. I’m regretting the timing, but I’m here now and I’m just gonna have to figure it out. I don’t really have a choice. I love it here, and there are moments of blinding happiness that feel like they knock me off my feet, and then moments of complete dread where I can’t breathe. My entire life changed a couple weeks ago. And that’s like...a lot.

I haven’t worked since the beginning of August because I moved and I’m finding a new job. I’ve been on countless interviews and have quite a few job offers but nothing has STARTED yet and I owe a few people money and I feel like absolute shit because of it. I hate it so much, I can’t even begin to explain. I have OCD, and nearly all my compulsions and fixations are number based (which was why calories and weight were my THING when I was sick). Because of that, money very quickly becomes a thing with me. I think about it constantly if I’m not in a good place with it or if I owe people. I’m doing rapid addition as I walk down the street, as I ride on the subway, as I’m getting coffee. It’s constant. I’ve been by myself for a few days, so the noise is getting so loud, it’s almost deafening.

I’m trying so hard to focus on the positive. The good things like the fact that I’m in my favorite city and I get to see so many of my friends all the time now and I’m living with the love of my life and my fucking EP just got released! I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining about anything, because I’m very lucky and very fortunate and my life is pretty cool. I’m just having a really hard week. Like monumentally hard. Every day this week it’s been all I can do to just keep going and not indulge in bad habits from my disorder (because of course every FIBER of my being is telling me that will make me feel better and do better even though I know IT WILL NOT).

If you don’t hear from me or I’ve been short with you, this isn’t an excuse but it’s an explanation. I’ll do better next week, I promise.

#personal #delete this #tw eating disorders #tw OCD #woof #okay #do I feel like this is karma?#just a little bit yes

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