#i hate how i got good grades and now im a failure and a disappointment | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iwaisa · 4 years

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request. trynna think of a request for u rn 🧏‍♀️ how ab tsukki w a best friend who’s so grade conscious bc ppl have high expectations of them n one day she breaks down bc she b afraid of failure n he’s like .......ok ill comfort them bc theyre my best friend but im also secretly in love w them trope😝 definitrly not because this reminds me of a certain someone who is not myself and i definitrly dont need to hear this😭 - @tsukisemi

a/n. sue you are a GENIUS I LOVE YOU AND YOUR BIG BRAIN. i absolutely adore best friends to lovers/childhood friends to lovers tropes they make me so happy ugh once again THANK YOU

► now playing...

- pairing. tsukishima x female reader (pronouns not specifically stated, but there is ma’am lol)

- warnings. make out session! lol oops. suggestive content

- word count. 1.8k+

it was a friday evening, and you found yourself studying at kei tsukishima’s house. again. no matter how many times you tried to convince him to do other things while hanging out in the warmth of his bedroom, he always insisted that academics came before baking and movies.

the two of you have been friends since your last year of junior high, after yamaguchi was too busy looking up at his tall companion to realize another figure was about to collide with him. the two of you made contact with the ground, before jumping up to apologize quickly.

tsukishima found himself instantly infatuated with you - you were gorgeous. your breathtaking eyes, the way your school uniform seemed to fit just perfectly, the way he imagined your smaller hands and fingers slotting in between his - he was absolutely intrigued. yamaguchi would say love at first sight, the taller male would call him ridiculous.

the three of you instantly clicked, with you and yamaguchi being the more talkative ones of the trio. tsukishima acted as a parental figure, scolding you two constantly for doing things you weren’t supposed to.

upon overhearing a conversation with sensei that you would be heading to karasuno for high school - the same place tsukishima and yamaguchi were planning on going - he let out a breath he never knew he was holding in. he continued listening to sensei urging you to plan on going somewhere more academic based - like shiratorizwa or fukurōdani. you put it simply that you would rather go somewhere more balanced. sensei was hesitant before he approved of your plans.

you had always been good at doing homework and classwork, but you weren’t so good at taking tests. they intimidated you, making you worry that you would end up receiving something lower than a B+. tsukishima and yamaguchi knew of course, since the two of you held frequent study sessions at each others’ houses. this tradition carried on even when the three of you made it into karasuno, just not as frequently due to the boys’ volleyball practices.

today, however, yamaguchi was helping yachi teach kageyama and hinata english since tsukishima blatantly refused. the two of you headed back to his house, and instantly began flipping through your textbooks. he was quietly scribbling words and numbers on his papers, seemingly flying through assignments. you were sat on his bed, stuck on one section in particular.

“why the hell is ap chemistry so hard?” you sighed, scratching your scalp. tsukishima turned his head to see you rubbing your eyes, which adorned deep blue bags underneath. he sighed, putting his pencil down as he walked to sit on the edge of the bed alongside you. he looked over your shoulder, reading the complex chemical equations. “you know this one, l/n. you got it.”

you shook your head quickly, “no, i don’t tsukki. i have no idea what i’m doing and sensei literally didn’t even teach us this. see, this is why i’m glad i didn’t end up going to an academy because this would be ten times harder. i hate that people are always assuming i can handle this with ease. i can’t.” you finished, blinking back tears.

tsukishima sighed, rubbing his eyes underneath his glasses before readjusting them to focus on the question. he began rubbing his finger over the numbers, slowly explaining each process. you were surprised he was being kind, but you didn’t want to take this soft moment for granted. you simply nodded your head, hurriedly scribbling down what he was saying in your notebook.

“tell you what,” he turned, looking into your eyes. “if you can do these next four questions by yourself, i’ll give you something i’ve been meaning to for a while.” you tilted your head, “tsukki, my birthday was months ago.” he chuckled, getting up to sit in his chair, which was now facing you. “i’m aware.” the two of you stared at each other for a while, before you turned your attention back to your textbook.

using tsukishima’s explanations and whatever strategies you learned from sensei, you flew through two of the questions with ease, getting stuck on the third one. tsukishima explained once more, telling you to use a different equation for the next two. you nodded, finally understanding.

the next two questions were hard to figure out, but you finally got through them. you placed your pencil in between the crease of the pages, looking up to tsukisima expectedly. when he didn’t move, you were confused. did he just trick you into doing homework?

tsukishima gulped, attempting to calm his erratic heart and shaky legs. was he ready for this? no, he wasn’t. but even as yamaguchi said; he’s been putting this off for long enough. he knew he liked you, but had no idea just what to do about it. he knew he would be jeopardizing your friendship in some way, but tsukishima couldn’t deny that he wanted some sort of affectionate skinship to happen between the two of you.

he released his lower lip from his teeth before shaking his head. he stood up, walking towards you with slight hesitation. he plopped himself next to you, your shoulders brushing against each other. tsukishima lifted his glasses off his nose before leaning forward, pressing a quick peck to your lips.

your mouth fell open, and your eyes widened more than you believed they ever could. your face exploded with heat, and you began spewing out incoherent words. he stood up, returning to his seat. “tsukki?” you asked in disbelief. “yes?” he responded, seemingly unphased. “w-what was that?” he watched you run your middle and forefinger over your lips, “my gift.” your jaw dropped open once more, earning a rare chuckle from your blond friend. or maybe, not a friend anymore.

“if you finish the next four questions, i’ll give you another one. if you want,” his last words were muffled by the back of his hand. you smiled at the sight; tsukishima, the most stoic boy you’ve ever met, was embarrassed. nonetheless, you were going to earn another kiss from your friend, not to mention the boy you’ve been in love with for the past two years.

you were quick to pick up your pencil, reading the questions as quickly as possible. “and don’t rush either, idiot,” tsukishima jested. you stuck your tongue out at him, feeling your heart flutter as he let out a soft chuckle.

you made sure to complete each question thoroughly, wondering if you would get extra points for doing more work. tsukishima stood over your figure, eyes scanning over each question. he pointed at one, “the equation was right, but check your calculations again.” you sighed, turning back to the book.

tsukishima bent over, pressing a light kiss atop your head, making you jolt in surprise. he staggered back holding his chin, and you stood up waving your hands frantically. he held his hand up to stop your word-vomit, letting a light chuckle escape his lips.

you pressed your lips in a line, sitting back down. you began calculating the equation once more, finally coming up with the right answer. “there you go. see? you only have four questions left now.” you lifted your chin expectedly, watching him squat in front of you. you pursed your lips as he began to lean in, pressing teasing kisses to both of your cheeks. you groaned in annoyance, before sandwiching his face in between your palms. “stop teasing,” you muttered sternly. “yes ma’am,” he joked, finally closing the distance between you two.

this kiss was a tad bit more passionate, the two of you moving your lips together excitedly. it would’ve been a make out session, if tsukishima had not pulled away with a grin. “last four questions.” he smirked at you before standing up, returning to his chair once more.

these questions were possibly the worst. there were multiple equations in each separate question, and it left you wondering why someone would ever want to major in chemistry. tsukishima watched your face contort into borderline anger, your lower lip between your teeth. he swiftly stood up, placing himself next to you on the bed. he reached his arm around you, rubbing circles into your lower back as you continued writing the wrong equations.

“here,” he spoke up finally, removing the pencil from your grasp. he began writing in a clear fashion which numbers were to be plugged in where, and it finally clicked for you. he glanced at your profile, watching your mouth fall open. he smiled to himself as he watched you solve the equations with ease, his hand never leaving your back.

you finally finished, looking up at the blond with long-awaited anticipation. “you’re eager,” he whispered, his eyes becoming soft. his gaze flickered between yours and your plush lips - the one’s he’s been waiting to feel on his for so long. and the feeling wasn’t disappointing. they felt amazing, and he was on cloud nine. a little voice that sounded like yamaguchi resonated in tsukishima’s head saying, “finally.”

the two of you began moving forward at a slow pace, until you gripped onto his shirt pulling him into you to finally close the gap. this kiss was definitely not like the last ones. this one was ferocious; two pining friends finally earning exactly what they’ve been patiently waiting for.

tsukishima’s right hand made its way to your hip, prompting you to lay down. he hovered over you, not once pulling away. your tongue brushed against the seam of his lips, and he eagerly allowed your tongue to meet his. your hands began roaming, feeling tsukishima’s pecs. they slowly moved down to his abs, which were rock-solid, much to your surprise.

you gasped as he pulled away to press open-mouthed kisses on your jawline, moving down to your neck. your hands gripped his hair as he sucked on a particular spot that elicited a whine from your throat.

he pulled away, looking down at you with golden irises filled with lust. his gaze fell on the newly formed red spot on your neck, and he sat up pushing his glasses back to rest on the bridge of his nose. “sorry about that,” he whispered, his voice filled with nerves. “don’t be. i liked it,” you smiled, watching his gaze soften for the umpteenth time that day.

“do you like me?” he asked hesitantly. you paused, your eyebrows furrowing in mock confusion. “you know, for one of the smartest in the class, you’re pretty dumb.” he opened his mouth to protest, before you sat up to give him a quick kiss. “yes, i like you.”

his arms wrapped around your waist, pushing you back down onto his bed. “can we cuddle,” he said it as more of a statement than a question. you chuckled, wrapping your arms around his back. “can you be my boyfriend,” you pretend to mock, causing his head to snap up. he nodded hastily before burrowing his face into your chest once more.

“i love you,” he said, his words muffled by your shirt. “i love you too, kei.” you smiled as you ran your hands through his golden locks, hearing a content sigh escape his lips.

#tsukishima x reader #kei tsukishima #tsukishima kei #haikyuu!!#haikyuu!! x reader #tsukishima x fem!reader

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innittowinit · 4 years

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Tommyinnit is going to be okay

summary: With lockdown, expectations and grades constantly seeming to be lower than desired, Tommy starts to give up on school. Luckily he has his makeshift family to help him out.

word count: 1778

notes: hhh im super sorry to those of you who were waiting for me to finish the next chapter to my amusement park fic, i was working on it but i'm feeling kinda :/ so i wrote this instead to get da feelings out. Updates should be back to normal next friday. also my birthday is soon!!! 22nd pog!!!!!!!!!! i'm gonna be 16 and i am :D about that

AO3

If you asked him, he’d say he didn’t care. He’d joke about how bad he was doing, call himself stupid, play into the grades and act like they were all he was capable of.

Truth is, he knew he could be better, he knew he was expected to be better, so when he was given his report card and saw that he was scoring mediocre in most subject and even failing a few, he swallowed the lump in his throat and laughed, telling his friends that he didn’t know what he expected.

School was tough but he was expected to be tougher, when he had pages upon pages of chemistry homework so hard that it made him cry, he didn’t tell anyone because that wasn’t what was expected of him. He stayed up for nights on end just trying to grasp at a passing grade but most of the time was spent panicking anyway, so why was anyone surprised when he started to give up?

When he stopped handing in assignments, when he stopped revising, when he stopped turning up to class, why were they all so surprised? They had watched his downfall with front row seats and now were gasping as they saw him drowning in the pool they put him in without teaching him to swim.

So here he was, locked in his bedroom, the shadows of the overly optimistic boy he painted himself as lingered as he looked around. It made him sick to his stomach, to lie to everyone like that. He knew for a fact if anyone from school watched his content they’d know he was lying. It was hard to differentiate himself sometimes, from the boy who just wanted to make his parents proud to the boy who roleplayed on minecraft servers. Now don’t get me wrong, they were both very much him, he just wished he could let his followers know that he wasn’t that happy all the time. It was only when he wasn’t being suffocated by his own academic failures.

Giving up was a stupid idea, it only made his grades worse but he justified it by saying that at least he was failing on purpose now. There could be no disappointment or shame if he didn’t try, if he told everyone that he just didn't care about grades and he could get better ones if he wanted he would be so much less pathetic than if he said that he had put in everything and still done badly. It didn’t work though, he was self-sabotaging. With every failing grade his self esteem fell further and further until he was sure it was gone completely. He didn’t feel stupid, he just felt like everyone else was smarter than him. He thought that maybe, if he tried hard enough, he could get himself out of this funk, but then again that required showing people that he was working hard and if he still failed after that he was sure he’d feel far worse than he already did.

Talking about this to someone was out of the picture too. Aside from the fact that he’d rather eat a live slug than make someone worry about him, he knew he’d just seem lazy and pathetic if he brought it up to anyone anyway. He just didn’t know how to explain that he’d got so overwhelmed that it broke him, it felt like his whole life he wished that people would stop overestimating him.

He just wasn’t good enough.

A knock on his bedroom door brought him out of his self-deprecating spiral, causing him to only curl in on himself, under the blankets, even further. No doubt it was his parents here to nag him about school again.

“Go away mum I don’t care! It doesn’t even matter” he huffed as he pulled his phone out,with the intention to ignore his family through looking at instagram.

“Tommy it’s not your mum” He heard a man’s voice speak from behind the door. “Look it’s me, Wilbur, Phil and Techno are here too. Your parents said you’ve been feeling pretty down lately so we just wanted to hang out. If talking is too much we can just play a game”

Silence.

Tommy took a moment to mull the words over, it stung that his parents had told them about what was going on but he could help but feel a little special that they had traveled so far to come cheer up him specifically. Especially Techno, he wasn’t sure if he should feel honoured or guilty that he had to fly out, deciding that both was probably the best option, he made a metal note to pay him back for the plane ticket.

“Listen Tommy” He heard another man’s voice as he silently walked towards the door “It’ll be okay in the end, I don’t know what you’re going through right now, and you only need to tell us if you want to, but I promise it’ll be okay. Life has a way of making things fit into place in the end”

Biting his lip,Tommy twisted the key to the left, taking a deep breath before opening the door. He knew he looked terrible, his hair was greasy and all over the place, he had a pepsi stain on the shirt he had been wearing for three days straight, and he knew for a fact he smelled unpleasant. Despite all these less than ideal features, the three men all gave him a hug as soon as they saw him. Each one of them had sincere smiles on their faces, they didn’t look like they were here to pity him at least.

Still without saying a word, Tommy stepped to the side to invite them into his messy room, before going to sit on his bed again. Coke and Pepsi cans were overflowing from his bin and he knew the plates of half eaten dinners were starting to smell, still though, they weren’t judging him. Techno and Phil sat either side of him and Wilbur sprawled himself out at the foot of the bed, as much as he wanted to keep up the silence and grumpiness, he couldn’t help but gasp a little, feeling his throat go tight and his eyes heat up with fresh tears, when Techno wrapped an arm around him.

How long had it been since he was hugged like this? It wasn’t like the greeting hug he had just gotten, it was so much more sincere and heartfelt. A ghost of a smile hinted at his lips.

As more silent tears dripped down his cheek, Techno rubbing his arm soothingly, he finally realised that he just wanted someone to genuinely care about him. He didn’t mind high expectations if they came from a good place; whenever Wilbur spoke about how Tommy would be so much bigger than he already was, he didn’t feel pressured, he felt motivated. He knew Wilbur genuinely believed in him and more importantly would still care about him if he didn’t live up to what he expected, in contrast to his parents who he honestly wasn’t sure if he had unconditional love from or not.

That’s what the problem was. Finally, he had Techno, Phil and Wil all here because they loved him, and he knew they wouldn’t judge him. They wouldn’t hate him for failing an exam, they wouldn’t mock him for getting overwhelmed, they certainly would love him no matter how bad he messed up.

Right in that moment, he stopped caring about whether or not he’d make people worry, he stopped caring about any possibly negative opinions of him because he knew he was safe, and he leant his head against Techno’s shoulder, crying out all the stress and insecurities that had lead to his spiral in the first place. It wasn't long before Phil joined in, wrapping an arm around him from the other side, and then came Wilbur, who was practically laying against all three of them as he tried to hug him from where he had been sat.

“It’s a lot of work and it’s a lot of expectations…..y’know I’m just not smart enough to live up to what they want me to do”

The blonde choked out his words, it felt great not to have to hold back his feelings for once, to finally have people who would listen. Really though, they had been there all along, his judgement had just been too clouded that he hadn’t realised.

“Listen Toms”

He heard Phil sigh sympathetically,

“You’re a smart boy, if school is making you feel like this, maybe the way you’re learning is the problem, I know it’s super generic advice but if you can find a teacher you trust you should be able to talk about what alternatives there are. As for expectations, fuck ‘em. You’re doing your own thing and you’re doing it well. You’ve already surpassed everyone's expectations.”

He felt Phil move over so Wilbur could sit with them properly, with pretty much 4 men all sitting on the same section of the bed, it was a squish but they made it work.

“Tommy man, I was a massive nerd in school. I was such a perfectionist that I’d panic about any grade lower than like 95%, I didn’t even have any expectations I was trying to live up to, I just wanted to be the best at everything. Anyway I’ve had more ruts like what you’re going through than I can count so I’m speaking from experience when I say, I promise you it’s gonna be fine. Tommy you’ll be okay”

Tommy didn’t bother replying, he was too choked up from the sheer vulnerability and love that he didn’t want to open his mouth and risk any noise coming out.

“Big T,” Wilbur chuckled as he practically climbed over Phil to see him properly, “I failed half my GCSE’s and I’m doing great. Try your hardest but if things go tits up just know that you’re life won't just be over”

Tommy just nodded, wiping at his eyes as he leant his head against Techno. For the first time in a long time he felt loved.

“We actually had a plan.” Wilbur had taken Phil’s spot, on the bed, completely now, and the man was left to crouch next to it. “We’ll clean up in here while you go take a shower and then we can watch Up. We made Techno bring some of those American sweets over and we also got a load from Tesco on our way here. How’s that sound?”

Again, Tommy nodded his head. He was going to be okay.

#tommyinnit #wilbur soot #Philza #technoblade #sleepy bois inc #sbi #fanfic #Emotional Hurt/ Comfort #school

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mustyrosewater · 4 years

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𝗷𝗲𝗻𝗻𝘆 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗹𝗼𝗰𝗸 . 𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗟𝗢𝗚𝗨𝗘 .

𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗼𝗽𝘀𝗶𝘀: 𝘆𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗶𝘇𝗮 𝗱𝗶𝗮𝘇, 𝘂𝘀𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗮𝘀 𝘆𝗮𝘆𝗮, 𝗺𝗲𝘁 𝗽𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝗮𝗹𝗺𝗮𝗰𝗲𝗱𝗮 𝗶𝗻 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝗼𝗽𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁𝘆 𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝟭𝟵𝟵𝟭. 𝘀𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻'𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗽𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗹𝘆 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀. 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘆 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝘀𝗲𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀. 𝘆𝗮𝘆𝗮, 𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗮 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗰𝗼𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗺𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗵𝗶𝘁 𝘁𝘃 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘄𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗿, 𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗴𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 b𝘆 𝗽𝗲𝗱𝗿𝗼 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝗰𝗮𝗹, 𝗮 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗿. 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗵𝗼𝘄, 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗵𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲𝗻'𝘁 𝗰𝗿𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝟮𝟬 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀, 𝘂𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗹 𝗻𝗼𝘄.

𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 𝟰,𝟰𝟴𝟳

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: 𝗻𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁

𝗮/𝗻: 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗼𝗴𝘂𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀, 𝗶 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗵 𝗳𝗹𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘆, 𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗱𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗹𝗲𝘁 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝗱 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗱, 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗹𝗹!

they say you never forget your first best friend was high school, a friendship so sacred and real wasn't easy to forget. peter balmaceda was no exception to this rule. even by the time yaritza diaz, usually known as yaya had reached her late thirties, the friendship she'd shared with peter was still so fresh in her mind it felt like yesterday. even if had been nearly twenty years since she'd actually seen him, she didn't think she could ever forget the boy who called her yaya and who she lovingly referred to as flaco. each memory she shared with him was a treasure to her, the polaroids still kept snugly in diary were evidence of that; the polaroids of them smoking weed together out the back of their school building, along with the one of them where he held her over his shoulder, his mouth held open in laughter as the image was taken. the images of them forever frozen and captured on polaroids that had begun to brown around the edges due to age, blurry from the shitty quality that seemed to add all the more nostalgia to them. -- "yartiza!" her mothers use of her full name was never a good sign, especially when it was accompanied by the sound of her alarm that had no doubt been going off for the past few minutes; yaya really shouldn't have been surprised that she'd slept in for the first day of the school year. should she have set an earlier alarm? probably. slamming her hand down on the alarm once, she cringed when it only continued, finally lifting her hand from the pillow to squint at the alarm clock before slamming her hand the top once more, a lot harder than before. while her alarm does stop, she manages to knock it off of her desk at the same time, looking down at the clock in satisfaction, a small smirk coming to her face. "YARITZAAA!" with wails that could battle the likes of la llorona, yaya heard her mothers footsteps getting louder and closer to her shut door. preparing herself for her mother wrath, she quickly got out of bed, almost tripping over the clothes strewn along the floor before regaining her footing only when her mother opened the door, revealing her daughter to now be rummaging through her closet. her mothers face revealed that she was less than impressed, her hands landing on her hips. her eyes traveled around her daughters room, taking a moment to cringe at it's messy state before looking back at her daughter. "ay, lartiza, how are you going to survive the rest of the year if you're late on the first day." the only response to her mothers nagging was a roll of her eyes and a shrug of her shoulders, finally finding the shirt and jeans that she was looking for, pulling them out and chucking them on the bed. "enrique already left ten minutes ago! you need to start waking up earlier yaya." this was always the routine, without failure at least once a day she'd have to be compared to her older brother, whether it was in the way he dressed, his grades or even the music he listened to, yaritza was always the disappointment in her mothers eyes. "mama! can i get dressed now?" she didn't mean to snap. that was a lie, she just didn't mean to make it so obvious. after years and years she had only gotten the courage to snap at her mother just as she started highschool, she could still remember the look on her younger brothers face the first time it happened. the only response her mother gave was a small 'hmph' before turning on her heel and marching out of her daughters room, her footsteps still echoing all the way to the kitchen. it was only moments later when gabriel's head poked through her doorway, a grin set on his freckled face. "ay dios mio yaya, you tryna give her a stroke?" his question only resulted in the two sharing a knowing grin, with yaya biting her lip to mask her laughter. "that's the plan bebito." she says while simultaneously pulling her baby brother into a her arms, ruffling his already messy hair. she laughs as her baby brother lets out an uncomfortable groan and tries to squirm out of her arms. "don't call me bebito." he grunts, pulling out of her arms and giving his older sister a glare. she only smirks at him and shoves him playfully, "go, start getting dressed before i put you in a headlock bebito." she says, putting emphasis on the nickname he hates oh so much. he flips her off with a smile as he leaves her room, leaving yaya to finally change into her clothes for the day. taking a moment to stand in front of the mirror putting on the hoop earrings that her mother hated so much despite being a gift from her father; sometimes yaya wondered if she wore the things she did just to annoy her mother, and each time the answer was yes. was it petty? yes, did yaya give a single shit? no. walking into the kitchen, she was greeted by the sight of her papa sitting at the table drinking coffee from a mug they'd gotten on their trip to san fransico about two years back; she could remember it just like yesterday, gabriel had been too scared to walk across the bridge so yaya had ended up staying with him while enrique and their parents did. always a fun memory for her to look back on. approaching her father, she leaned down to kiss his wrinkled forehead. "buenos dias papa." she said, giving him a big grin which her father returned happily. "buenos dias princesa." his gruff, morning laced voice replied, turning back down to his coffee and newspaper. "estás emocionada por la escuela?" he asked her, wondering if she was excited for her first day at new school, which was a bit of an obvious question; yaya only groaned in reply, causing her papa to erupt in a deep bellied laughter. looking around, she spotted her bag sat by the door and grabbed it, slinging the strap over her shoulder. the knitted tote bag was more colorful than a pack of skittles, knitted for her by her abuela a few years back and since then yaya refused to use any other bag. "ay! yaya! you're going to be late!" her mothers shrill voice rung in her ears, having just walked out from the bathroom. "ok! ok! im going!" yaya assured, holding her hands up in defense before reaching for her skateboard, still leaned up against the wall as she'd left it despite her mothers compaints. "adios princesa! te amo!" her father called out as she walked out of the door. "te amo!" she called back, shutting the grate behind her with a loud bang and walking down the small set of stairs out of their apartment complex. as she walked out of the driveway, she spotted her neighbour, a sweet old lady she'd known for years, currently checking her mail. "buenos dias, miss morales." she bid her a good morning happily, smiling brightly as the woman looked up at her through her thick framed glasses. "oh! beunos dias yaya!" she replied, giving her a small wave which was returned. continuing down the street, yaya quickly placed her skateboard on the ground and stepped on with one foot, using the other to push off and begin gliding down the street. as she skated past houses, the wind whipped through her hair and the sound of the beach was clear in the distance, waves crashing and seagulls cawing. a pleased smile came to her lips as she skated on the footpath, this was what made the daily trip to school worth it, being able to just have these few minutes to herself in the morning. being born and raised in miami, it had almost certainly left it's mark on yaya, everything from the way she dressed to the music she listened to, it all reeked of her home town and she wouldn't have had it any other way. her mother came here from cuba with the american dream in mind, leaving behind relatives a glorified warzone. her father left for the same reasons, but unlike his wife, he encouraged cuban culture among his family, even going so far as to only speak spanish in the house, he was always desperate to share his culture with his children, so as they not forget their roots. gabriel and yaya hadn't had a problem with that, always eager to learn and be taught about their homeland. it was enrique and her mother that wanted to americanize themselves, and in yaya's eyes, they were welcome to that as they pleased, so long as they didn't force it onto her. yaya's mother had even tried to make her start going by mary, a proposal which yaya and her father quickly shut down. she'd be lying if she said it didn't hurt, the fact that her mother was taking success to be more important than her own culture, preferring the american dream over her own familia. that was the main source of the conflict between yaya and her mother, the older she became, the more she was thinking for herself and thus, being less susceptible to her mothers control. she'd heard her mother venting to her friends on the phone about her daughter, calling her ungrateful among other things that yaya had been too upset to stay and hear. ever since then there had been a wall between the two, a wall that couldn't be broken down and probably never would. ripped rather harshly out of her thoughts, yaya almost trips as she takes a sharp left turn, narrowly missing two boys walking on the footpath, around gabriels age. her heart races as she regains her balance on the board, letting out a huff just as she spots her school just down the street. orange county school of arts, the school her mother begged her not to choose, claiming there was no way to get a successful degree from a school like that. "why don't you try something like enrique? maybe try being a nurse?" her mothers words echoed in her mind as she stopped her board, picking it up and walking the rest of the way towards the entrance where other kids were already entering. once again comparing her to her older brother had only ended up making yaya more determined to attend ocsa, desperate to rub it in her mothers face. that was also the main reason she worked as hard as she did, she was able to admit that it was out of spite, but she wasn't complaining if it meant she could have an above average report guard to rub in her mothers face every year. if it was up to yaya's mother, she would have no doubt finished highschool and met a nice boy and settle down and get married. out of all the cuban values her mother had conveniently decided to keep, it had to be that one. yaya would be lying if she said she wasn't a feminist, something some people may dislike her for; but in yaya's mind, if they disliked her for holding such 'controversial' views, they could go and fuck themselves. entering the building through double doors, she was immediately greeted by the hustle and bustle of people, some desperate to get to their first classes, some taking their sweet time talking to their partners by their lockers. all that yaya did was head straight down the hallway in the direction of her locker, the same locker she'd had since she first started attended, having never changed throughout her entire time there. "yayaaa!" a voice that she was able to recognize instantly rang out from a few meters behind her, quickly turning around, the sight of a head of thick brown hair bouncing towards her filled her vision. out of the crowd popped her best friend since the end of elementary school, camila. she called her best friends name back affectionately before her arms wrapped around yaya's neck like a vice. camila was a bombshell, her hair always teased to absolute perfection and in adorable shorts and colorful button ups, she always looked like she'd just stepped off of an issue of vogue, even in her worst moments. "how are you chica?" she asked, unwrapping her arms from around yaya's shoulders and grinning at her with that award winning smile. "not looking forward to this." yaya replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes and turning back to her locker, placing her skateboard inside and shutting the door with a loud bang, making sure that it was locked properly. as much as she didn't want to admit it, this was miami, people stole shit all the time. she'd remembered the time camila had left one of her expensive perfumes inside her locker and had nearly had a meltdown when she came back to find her door wide open and anything of moderate value long gone; she was still bitter about the theft even now and yaya knew better than to mention the instance. "oh calm down, you're already doing better than i am." camila reassured with a wave of her hand, hooking her arm in yaya's and walking through the halls, narrowly avoiding all the people in the crowded area. "so what do you have first?" she asked, tilting her head and raising her eyebrows expectantly. furrowing her brows, yaya racked her brain in an attempt to remember exactly what class she had first and then so on and so fourth. "english, math then drama." yaya didn't mind that lineup, the only thing she wasn't looking forward to was drama. the only reason she even chose the subject as her elective was because the only other option was ceramics, and she would rather go to an early grave than do ceramics, she could already hear her mother nagging her about it. "this is what i pay for you to do at school?" and then she'd go on and on about the mediecal degree enrique was planning to do, yeah, no thanks. so drama it was. she was at least thankful of the fact that after discussing it with the teacher, it was agreed that her and another small group of students would study costuming instead, learning both practical and theory, learning of theatre clothing's history as well as designing and making costumes for the productions that the class would put on. yaya had never been more thankful of her mother forcing her to learn how to sew and follow patterns since the time she was able to hold and needle and thread, as well as forcing her into several home economics classes all throughout school. her experience with theatre kids had not been a positive one, the last drama class she'd taken was in elementary school and she'd promised herself never again, not since she'd been made to kiss another boy who, despite being told it was an actors kiss, decided to shove his tongue into her mouth. she'd ended up slapping him on stage and storming off, ruining the show. yaya didn't regret slapping him, however, she did regret the big fat red f that found it's way onto her report card. the only f she'd ever gotten to this very day. "well, let me know if there's any cute boys in your classes chica, i gotta go." camila gave her a wink, leaving yaya on her own shaking her head. camila was admittedly boy crazy, practically every few months she had a new boy she was in love with; each time she would promise yaya that this one was different, and it always ended the same, with yaya holding camila while she cried onto her shoulder. she didn't hold this against camila, she a hopeless romantic at heart and if that was what she wanted to do, camila would simply be there as a supportive friend, a shoulder to cry on each time another boy broke her heart. maybe some part of yaya envied camila, falling in and out of love was so easy for her, within another month she'd still be just as confident and bubbly, dismissing her old boyfriend. yaya wished she could get over things that easily, evidenced by the fact that she was still bitter about the situation with the boy during the play, yaya held grudges easier than one would think. letting out a long winded sigh, yaya simply went down the hall in the direction of her english class praying that mr ramirez wasn't going to be her teacher again his year. last year, he'd shoved mountains of essays onto yaya, claiming that he was just trying to push her so that she could reach her full potential. part of yaya thought that was bullshit and that mr ramirez just had it out for her; no matter what she believed she was still able to say that she'd passed that class with a b, not the best, but certainly not the worst by yaya's mothers standards. yaya's father was a different story when it came to school, he encouraged her to follow her passions of costume design, and each time she came home with a report card, her father would only stroke her shoulder and say "as long as you're having fun princesa, i don't care what marks you get." she'd guessed that was the part of her father that strived to give his children the childhood they'd never had, giving them the freedom to explore what they wanted to because that's just what you did in america, you followed your dreams. yaya's mother would have scoffed at such a statement, no doubt she'd go on a rant about how "dreams don't pay the bills." sometimes, yaya wondered how her parents had even fallen in love in the first place. -- her first two classes had gone by quicker than expected, yaya was grateful that instead of mr ramirez, her english teacher for the year was mrs. myers, a polite middle ages woman with teased hair and glasses that should have stayed in 1984, but was none the less a breeze to be taught by. the only thing yaya didn't appreciate was that she was a sucker for romance novels, always keeping a copy and pride and prejudice on her desk, referencing it every chance she got. "oh that sounds like something mr. darcy would do." yaya could have sworn the woman thought she was destined to marry mr darcy and live in a mansion in europe, though she couldn't blame her for trying, it sounded like a decent life. the time for her drama class rolled around and reared its ugly head sooner than she would have liked, dreading it already as she walked down the hall to come face to face to the door decorated with paper cutouts of the image of the two masks, one smiling and one frowning, a sign on the door labelled 'theatre production.' in swirly cursive font that took yaya longer than she would admit to read. she could already hear people talking inside and turned to look at the clock on the wall; she wasn't late. of course theatre kids were always eager to start, something she'd forgotten. wrapping her hand around the door handle, she twisted it and swung the door open. the talking immediately grew louder now that she was actually in the room and she fought the urge to cringe at the volume level, theatre kids were also loud, something yaya should have prepared herself for. as she looked around, she observed a few students sitting on desks talking to each other, as well as others sitting on chair reading books. from what she tell, they all seemed to have outgoing and bubbly personalities, a majority of them talking with their hands, making big gestures as they described what yaya was certain to be absolutely riveting topics. sarcasm was eminent. she was disheartened to realize that she didn't recognize anyone apart from maybe two or three people that she shared classes with but never talked to; letting out a quiet huff, she quickly spotted a spare chair and headed straight for it and sat down, placing her bag by her feet. it was about another five minutes before the teacher walked in, a middle aged woman with chunky jewelry and a floor length skirt patterned with flowers. all the talking ceased as she leaned on the desk and looked at every body, a bright smile on her face. "hello everyone, i'm mrs martinez, but please, call me jude." her voice was soft and smooth, every word spoken to perfection. yaya didn't doubt that this was due to experience on stage, learning to project her voice had no doubt lended to her teaching. mrs martinez, or jude, clapped her hands together excitedly, her several plastic bracelets jingling with her movements. "before we begin the lesson i'll just do roll call." she spoke, reaching behind her to grab a clipboard with names, holding up a colourful novelty pen covered in flowers. she began to read out the names, ticking the box beside them each time she got an answer. yaya didn't really pay attention, only focusing enough to listen out for her own name not really caring to learn her classmates names. everybody else seemed to excited for yaya's taste, some wearing stupid smiles purely from being able to call out 'here.' part of her wanted to judge these kids more than she already was, but another part of her couldn't find but find their goofy enthusiasm somewhat charming. "marisol?" jude called out, lifting her head to look around the room expectantly. the use of her first time made yaya visually cringe, turning her attention up to make eye contact with jude before raising her hand awkwardly, leaning back in her chair. "it's yaritza." she spoke rather unenthusiastically. no matter how many times she asked the office to change it, her school id still read as her first name rather than her middle name she chose to go by. it wasn't that she particularly hated the name itself, it was just the fact that it was the name her mother chose when she was born. going by her middle name was just another way for yaya to distance herself from her mother, who even now had been calling her by her middle name after far too long correcting her mother when she referred to her as her middle name. she could feel eyes on her as she lowered her hand, especially seeing as she'd gone to the effort to correct the teacher, this was already more attention than she wanted. "ok, yaritza it is." jude replied, not bothering to put the accent on her name and instead saying it with her completely american accent. that always annoyed her, people never made the effort to say her name right, it just sounded wrong without the accent, and yet she couldn't be bothered to even attempt to correct her, no doubt it would simply result in the attention being on her for longer. reading through the rest of the names, jude placed her clip board down and nodded her head, satisfied. "now i think it's a good time for a little excercise for every body to get to know each other better." yaya wanted to audibly groan but fought the urge, only opting to cross her arms and tilt her head back slightly, focusing on the ceiling and the fluorescent lights flickering softly every now and then. she tuned out whatever june was saying unable to will herself to focus on whatever it was she was having them do. it was only when she heard chairs shuffling and people beginning to talk that she lowered her head back down, observing as people began to walk around the room, shaking hands with people and beginning to talk with each other. she didn't stand up from her chair, only looked down to play with her nails, staring at the chipped burgundy nail polish that she reminded herself to re apply when she got home that day. "hi." the voice came from in front of her, as yaya looked up at the source, she hadn't even realized that someone had walked in front of her. she took in the boys appearance, brown hair styled back with gel, a white shirt under an oversized knitted sweater paired with jeans and chucks. it was only when her eyes trailed back up to his face that she saw he was looking at her expectantly, hands tucked away in the pockets of his jeans and shifting his weight awkwardly. "can i help you?" yaya didn't mean to sound so mean when the words left her mouth, but she couldn't help the way they'd sounded. whoever he was, he hadn't been deterred by her tone, instead he only offered her a thin smile, turning his head back to look at june watching everybody interact before turning back to yaya. "well, she said to go up to someone you didn't know and introduce yourself, so..." the boy only shrugged, taking one hand out his jean pocket and extending it out to her, quickly readjusting the sleeve that had fallen over his hand momentarily. "i'm peter." yaya couldn't help the smile coming to her face, his unapologetic awkwardness about the whole situation was funny to her, especially the goofy he smile he offered her when he saw her reaction. she held up her hand, giving his a small shake, still sitting down in the chair, only leaning forward when shaking his hand. "yaritza." she said, only to receive a small chuckle from peter who quickly returned his hand to his pocket, looking down at the floor while he chuckled, the smile having only grown wider if that were possible, now displaying a set of dimples. he looked back up at her nodding his head "yeah i know, you definitely made sure of that." he wasn't making fun of her, only trying to make light of what was undoubtedly an awkward situation. yaya was unable to stop herself from being infected by his contagious goofy nature, finding it hard to drop the grin that had now found it's way on her face. she shrugged her shoulders playfully. "who else is going to?" she poked back, already finding that she was enjoying peters company. if she was able to make at least one friend in this class at all, which was something she prayed wouldn't be too difficult a task, she had to be honest. she wouldn't be complaining if the one friend she made this year was peter.

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal x oc #pedro pascal fic #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro balmaceda #pedro #pascal #pedro pascal x reader #agent whiskey #oberyn martell #frankie morales #game of thrones #kingsman #triple frontier

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slytherin-to-my-queer-kingdom · 5 years

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Hey, Sly, can I just ask you all the ask? You can stop when you don’t want to anymore, but all the asks starting from 1 :)

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.i don't have a favourite movie honestly. i say it's harry potter but that's cause of the fandom that came from the book, not the movies or even the plot.2: Talk about your first kiss.can't talk about something that never happened3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.ooh so you see, i can never tell what is romantic and what is not. but currently there is someone (they know who they are..). i'm not gonna say names or anything but they are amazing and kind and really smart and i can't wait to talk to them.4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.i regret how in the past (and still to this day) i'd take stuff out on other people when i was anxious or overwhelmed. one of my major goals is to help those that i care for and while doing this, i do the opposite. therefore failing myself and the person.5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.almost every birthday party i had ended in everyone leaving early or not paying attention to me. so, i haven't done anything for a while. this year was pretty good because my friends who never talk to me talked to me a lot about gay shit and you know.. that's always fun. (we had a pride flag before the sub yelled at us)6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.i'm actually not sure, i have a really short term memory. but one year i had loads of people over and my best friend ended up feeling left out cause she didn't know anyone. so she left and other people left for various reasons. it ended wit only one person staying..7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.i don't have one. instead i have like 50 small ones that add up to one failure of a person8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.i don't have much to be proud of. if you mean in the long term i guess for trying to help people (even though i fail). also the other day i was proud of something really weird i did to my hair to make it seem short... but obviously im not most proud of that9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.i like the colour of my eyes (this is hard). i have a really light birthmark on my nose and i like that.10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.id you mean like physical then none (except my brother ut i assume that doesn't count). i've yelled at people a lot and got in those kinda fights.. i also pushed this dude (not on purpose tho) and yelled at him for saying something... still feel bad about that it wasn't his fault11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.i barely remember my dreams but when i was like 8 or 10 or something i dreamed that we had this party at our house (which is weird cause we're all introverts and would never do that) and there were lots of people over tat we knew. i was wearing these shoes that i loved at the time and i went outside. oh, there were loads of pine needles on the patio. later i opened the door and asked my dad if he'd seen my shoes. he was standing next to a pile of pine needles, holdi ng a rake with the biggest grin on this face. he pointed to a tree and there was one shoes haing on a string.. it ended in NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cause the other shoes was in the pile. it was sooo weird12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.don't remember. i never dream really.13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.i didn't and would not like to discuss imagining this 14: Talk about a vacation.i go to prague a lot because we have family there. we went in 2017 with my aunt, cousins and grandparents. that was fun15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.maybe 5th grade. i had a best friend that was in my grade and i laughed loads more than normal. i don't think i was eevn doing bad mentally.16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.uhh ive been to no like real parties. once this girl invited the entire grade and i talked to my friends and my first girl crush was there and she gave me a high five... and it was pretty fun (she ended up hating me.. i dunno why)17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.i want to e closer friends with this dude who i call China online cause he's cool and i don't think he hates me like my other irl friend do.18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.in 5th grade i was next to my friend on the swing and i punched her??? i have no clue why. but anyway, the force of the swing made the impact of the punch worse... she forgave me tho.19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.i had lots of debates and arguments at lunch in 7th grade it was pretty funny.. those people were strange. also loads of gay stuff happened20: Talk about something that happened in high school.nothing interesting happened that i can think of21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.uhhh me, turn someone down? nope22: Talk about your worst fear.i guess it's there really being nothing after death and even now. but also like me doing nothing and not mattering/having a purpose or whatever.23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.uhh nope didn't happen... 24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.on here someone answered some dumb ask i sent with this phrase and i think about it a lot... my friend and i exchange it a lot25: Talk about an ex-best friend.in kindergarten i had this best friend and she was cool dont remember much since you know.. awhile ago. we went to the fair in like 1st grade i really liked that26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.i answered this :)27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.Uhhh what. not sure that this question is saying but ig i like people's smiles and laughs and eyes and shit 28: Talk about your fetishes.uhhhhhhhhh wHaT29: Talk about what turns you on.uhhhh whatno30: Talk about what turns you off.uhhhhhhhHHHhhh31: Talk about what you think death is like.probably nothing like you just disappear and are gone and you can't think and it's all over and- sorry... i dont think there's much gonna on at that point. im not religious so i don't believe in an afterlife32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.there was ths trail we'd walk on (btw im still in my childhood so this isnt exactly past tense) and there is a bench and it's by water i love that trail thingy33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.usually it's cause someone is disappointed in me tbh and i'll lay on the ground with my blanket and just... or on my bed and then fall onto the ground34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.hmmm im not sure...35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.hurting people i love, being over dramatic, a lot of stuff...36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.everyting makes me feel guilty so like uhh anything i've ever liked37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.mmh no one i thought i was in love with and then was like nope nvm..38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.this song by paramore that's like... idk weird ig... reminds me of my godsister. country songs remind me of think, basically if you say you like something or i listen to it with you, it reminds me of you. uh gemini syndrome reminds me of winter cause she was talkign about it the other day (its pretty good)39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.i dont wish id known anything earlier. it is unsafe to try and change the past with knowledge. i'd be somewhere else entirely40: Talk about the end of something in your life.hmm noting signifigant really ended (or happened)thanks for the ask sorry i barely answered most of um

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messythoughtsandfeelings · 5 years

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Family

I come from a big family. 3 brothers, 10 uncles, a lot of cousins. Since I was little, i was taught to respect them, to put family first, that friends won’t last but family will.

Until around 2 years ago, i still believed all this, but now i understand that family is something you make, not that you’re born with. Your real family is composed by people that you love and love you back, that respect you. They dont put you down, they dont try to make you feel less, or hide who you are. Even if they dont understand you or agree with the things you do, they try to be by your side and try to help you, but in the right way.

This family might have some people related to you by blood or not. In the end, blood doesnt matter if the people you share it with are toxic to you.

Each day, i reject more of my family, specifically, my parents. Each day they show to me who they truly are. Is both good and bad: good because now i know the truth about them, bad because i’m losing two people that i respected a lot. I still love them, but i cant really explain why.

My parents always had this policy at home that we could talk to them about anything. They never hit us; instead the talked to us when we did something wrong.

It may sound like something positive, and i thought so as well, but it was another lie from them.

You could talk to them, but if it was something they didnt agree with, you had to be prepared for the psychological abuse you would suffer. I lost count of how many times i talked to them about something and they would made me cry and feel guitly about it. And no, it wasnt something bad, like im using drugs, or got pregnant, or killed someone.

I had to chose one course to graduate, and i picked “the wrong one” and my father literally yelled “what is wrong with our kids, what have we done wrong with them”. Because i was 17 and thought about doing my graduation in literature instead of medicine, law or something else they thought was worth it. They made me cry my eyes out and feel guilty and like i had disappointed them because of that.

My entire life i did or didnt do things thinking if that would disappoint my parents or not. Clothes i wear, music i listen, books i read. The way i behaved, talked, my opinions. Everything was to please them, and yet i never could, because i was always a step behind my brothers when it came to grades or other accomplishments. My brothers, who would usually do things they didnt like, but were still sucessful, and me, who would do anything they asked of me, but was a failure.

And yet, i love my brothers with all my heart, but my parents are slowly becoming the type of people i hate and fear the most.

Im cutting these ties with them, little by little, and they’re noticing it. Because i used to talk to them about many thing, and agree. Now, when i talk to them, is against their believes. Im withdrawing from their lives and i dont regret it. They are making me sick, psychologicaly, and i finally understand that i dont need to put up with this just because we’re blood related.

Im finally being the person i always have wanted to be. And i’m not going to give it up now, not even because of them. I understand that the priority in my life is myself, not them or anyone else. Sometimes i still struggle with this concept, but im trying to remember it.

My family now is composed by my brothers who, even if i always felt inferior to, never made me feel this way. They were always there for me and i know they’ll continue to be. I have some friends, not many, but some who i also consider family. I will protect them until the end, and i know they will do the same to me. They respect me and try to teach me new things, and i love them for their patience and concern.

#family #personal

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theimpressionnant · 6 years

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RANT (because I don’t express my feelings in real life)

DISCLAIMER : *i’m really bad at writing down my thoughts, so if they appear all over the place, and just messy, you know why :/*

This is also the first time i’ve ever written down my feelings, so its pretty must just a vomit of words

So 2016 and 2017 have probably been one of the worst years ever, in terms of personal and academic.

I feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am as a person, if that even makes sense. It’s like things have gotten so bad for me, and my expectations so high, that I’m not really the person I feel like I imagine myself to be? I like to think of myself as a smart person, but then looking at my ‘achievements’ nothing says ‘smart’. And as a result Ive kinda lost who I am as a person. Am I that smart, productive confident person I was? Or was that just a phase? At the same time, I feel like I know myself so much that I end up second guessing myself, mostly telling myself that something bad will happen, and that I wont achieve my goals. And it often, it does happen. These two years I’ve been trying to figure out who I really am, but i’ve reached no success.

And also, I cant seem to achieve anything. Putting myself down has sort of become a second nature to me. Any aspect of life I feel like i’m a failure. And to a certain extent I do believe it. Its sort of like a ‘why me’ sort of thing. Why would I succeed? Why would I be successful? ‘nothing successful happens to me, so why should I be able to achieve anything?’ And as a result, to be honest, I don’t feel like I’m going to graduate in the coming year, because I don’t see myself there. The students in my class are freaking geniuses. Im literally the dumbest person there. They’ve got all their shit together, and then there’s me. Its been stressing my out so much that I completely trashed my mid year exams, and as a result, had to sign a contract saying that if I don’t pass all my classes in the end of year exams, I’ll get kicked out of the international baccalaureate programme, because I may not be able to cope with the workload. Thing is, I feel like I can, but then i have this load of negativity on my back that I can’t shake off because I feel like everything i tell myself is true. And I dont say it out of self pity. I say this out of objectivity. I can’t handle lies like 'I will succeed’ or that ‘i’ll make it’ when I know I won’t. And its so annoying. I wanna believe in myself. But I don’t wanna disappoint myself, and put myself even further down by telling myself that I will succeed, but then fail. Because that means i just lied to myself, just gave myself false hope. I feel like thats my biggest fear. To promise myself, or to tell myself that I’ll succeed, and then not do so. Because I’ve done that too much. Worked so hard and then failed when I told myself that I will succeed. I don’t have the emotional capacity to go through it again and again, because it makes it even more painful than it already is to just be me. I feel like I cant love myself if I fail. And i’m going to be honest. At the moment, I hate myself. I really do. Sometimes I cant bear looking at myself in the mirror, because I dont feel like looking at a stupid piece of failure. Intelligence has always been something i liked to define myself as. And I always used to define myself with it. But now i feel like nothing. Because i have noting to define myself as. Those numbers I used to define myself as are not worth even mentioning. So I’m kinda nothing right now.

And I know i shouldn’t define myself as my grades. But its pretty hard to do so when my whole life is determined by the number I get in the end of next year. It’s an obsession I really want to get rid of.

but Its not only me that can’t understand myself (lol what?), its others.

And I don’t say it out of 'coolness’ or 'ugh, nobody understands me’

It’s a genuine feeling of isolation.

Since was a child, I would have this really bad habit of rejecting people in general, because I feel like they hate me, even though they’ve done nothing wrong. I just feel like it’s safer to get rid of them first then have go go through the pain of being told, go away or something. Because that makes me think of myself horribly, which again, I don’t have the emotional capacity of doing. And as a result. I’ve blocked out everyone I feel like I could’ve had good connections with. And I just feel so alone lol help.

But then again I have my family, the only people I haven’t crossed out of my life (and never will) and thats better than anything.

Come to think of it, I kinda feel everyone hates me. Teachers, family friends, people I sometimes talk to at school. Its crazy. And the thing is, i know they probably don’t, but yet I can easily convince myself otherwise. Ask for a pen in class? Yup they hate me. Who wouldn’t? I literally asked for a pen in the middle of class. Asked what we had for homework because i was away? They probably think i’m dumb, and therefore, they hate me. Its as simple as that. But its so convincing. I don’t know how to explain it. I know it’s stupid, but I believe it. And as a result, I feel like the whole world is watching me, because they hate me. Like every move I make is being judged. Walking to next class? Eating? Walking into a shop? I’m so annoying. They must hate me. And it gets exhausting. I dont want to deal with it. Even my siblings get annoyed with my constant cringing in public places.

But the thing is, I can’t talk to people about my personal feelings, i find it so cringe. But at the same time I want to get rid of it. Because it’s been affecting my studies a lot. And Since I’m starting year 12 very soon, I want to fix it before the stress starts.

I don’t know, it’s just one of those things about myself that i just cant articulate.

I think its because of my general self esteem as well? Like I’ve picked up this really bad habit of never looking at my grades after a test. I remember when my grades used to be really high, i would be reaallly eager to get my grade. Expecting nothing under a 90%, and I would get just that. But now, when i get the paper back, I would just put the paper in my folder without looking at the mark, and have to prepare myself over hours to look at it, so that if i would get a bad mark i wouldn’t panic and tell myself negative things. Which AGAIN, I don’t have the emotional capacity of doing. Its gone to the extent that I haven’t opened my exam results, and they were released three weeks ago. I mean, I haven’t been called, like other students have, about their bad results, and it’s summer holidays now, so schools done, but I feel like they’re saving the worst till last. I don’t intend on looking at my marks, because I just don’t want to disappoint my family, who think i’m a dream student. I don’t even know if I failed or passed the exams. And I studied for them like no tomorrow, but its just a fear of looking at my results. Even if i where to look at my results, I feel like nothing is enough for me. Regardless of my grades. Even if I get a reasonably good score, I’ll find an excuse to tell myself such as 'any idiot could have gotten a 97%’ or 'it was by chance (whatever the hell that means) or anything else along those lines.

And I’ve realised how dumb I sound when i think all of these thoughts.

and so i’ve come to realisation that if I want to at least pass year 12, I really need to stop with these toxic thoughts. Because they’ve messed me up emotionally and academically.

I really miss years 2014, 2015. Those years were the best. Remembering them makes me really sad. I just miss the simplicity, grades, and good memories :)

For me, 2018 will be a year of working on myself, good grades, healthy lifestyle and just good vibes <3 Oh, and also graduation hopefully^-^

Im sorry if this is so dull. I promise I’m not as sad and depressed it looks like. Words dont show tone and facial expression lol

#2018 #2017 #2016 #self evaluation #personal #rant #new year

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stuclyblrs · 6 years

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alright here’s my semester reflection that i’ve been putting off for too long but i dont have all my grades back yet so w/e

let’s start w/ my general opinion abt nyu n college life

it’s better than high school lmaooo

nyu was my dream school and tbh idk if it met my expectations ??? idk it was the best of the best for me so i think i could be having the same experience at another (cheaper) school idk ???

but in general i rly do love it !! i think my hesitation comes from the fact that everything isn’t perfect lol and i had a rly rough start

i like being on my own tho and i eat better when im at school whoops

however even tho i obviously have more free time when compared to high school i still felt very pressed for time and that’s something i rly need to work on for next semester

social life !

this is where i say i had a rough start

my roommates were shit and i did change rooms a month into school lololol

my new roommate is rly nice but we never speak to each other which is kind of a disappointment that’s kind of on me for never making an effort to like try and get lunch with her or smth but at the same time she doesnt make on either so idk man

but we dont have any problems w/ each other, we both respect each other, aren’t messy, all that good stuff

but she never cleans the bathroom so rip it never gets cleaned cause i dont wanna do it if she wont do it

also had a rough start friend wise......

for the final month i did feel like i was starting have good friends but now that were on break its kind of like ????? lmao im just worried i’ll be at square one again with the new semester since they are all ppl i met in my classes

in terms of activities i love everything i’m doing ! i’m in student council, model un, alternative breaks (its where u do service trips over breaks - my trip will be over spring break), and the kpop dance club but im terrible lmao

classes

lmao rip me i Did Not do as well academically as i wanted to like at all

im also still very ????????? about what i want to pursue as a major and this semester did not offer any clarity lol

okay so here’s the shit i wrote about my classes about the beginning of the semester

uhh so i was right fuck this class lmao. my professor was generally chill but also annoying. i went to the writing center once and hated it so i never went back whoops but the biggest shock of all was i finished this class with an A- lmaooo cause my prof had some weird grading system but it worked in our favor and i got an A on the final paper despite my other two being a B- and a B+

was 100% right about this class !!!!!!!!! my fave professor and my fave class i miss it soooo much. it was very relaxed and we pretty much just talked about our lives and vines lol p much all of my friends are from this class and i lov them all. i would take this class again if i could 1000000/10 best part of my semester (((if anyone is interested in the books we read they’re all on my books page)))

ahhh chinese......... how wrong was i about you :) yeah i kind of hate studying chinese now and im gonna take korean next year :) i’ve kind of been keeping that a secret on here since i made that decision awhile ago.... idk it just became Not Fun for me and i dont want to learn a language if its not fun and just seems like a chore. idk but my love and interest in the language just completely died half way through the semester whoops. i do want to continue to learn it one day, just not now. and im also not proud of my performance this class and its just gonna be an ugly failure to me lol. im super excited to formally learn korean next semester tho !!!

did well on my first midterm. did poor on my second midterm. idk my final grade yet cause he hasnt put it in which kind of concerns me cause he’s a very punctual professor but it’s been two weeks since we took our final and in general last day of exams was friday so like ??? so again another class where im not happy with my performance.... think i could’ve done better if we had regular exams rather than three total but lol w/e..... i took this as it’s a prereq for a major i was considering but now idk if i am even considering it which is a mess cause that just means its a not so great grade for something i kind of didnt even need to take sigh. also the class had about 450 ppl and generally only 350 of us showed up to lecture everyday lolz

so yeah that’s that ! now that im writing this overall this semester seemed like more of a dissapointment than a success (for reasons that i didnt necessarily talk abt in this post)........ idk im still optimistic abt next semester i think i just wanna start it on a better smth idk the right word haha but i also dont want freshman yr to end cause idk then im actually a legit college student which is just What

#uhhh u dont have to read cause its me rambling but lms if u do ?????#BUT there is smth lowkey major in here that i havent said on this blog yet and.....#it will get a seperate post at some point so if u dont read this then nbd #*separate lol #personal #college adventures

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jinniejohns-blog · 7 years

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I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened with your dad???

mmm nah i dont mind, i mean i’m like the most open book here :00 like, i’m such an open book i’m not even a book anymore, more like…just paper pff idk (itbh yeah sometimes i should just shut up akshaljs) i got other asks abt this so here it is…..sorry im too lazy to screenshot them and add em so just, uh??ye?????

but anyway prepare for long, dramatic shit because i’m a word-dumpster and also trigger warning and please don’t kill me Fleta, i’m fine i swear-

there’s not much to say about it??? just- i’ve always felt pressured to get straight a’s and a 4.0 gpa (grade point average, idk if it’s different in other places but basically 4.0 is the highest and just means you have all a’s)

everyone put me to such high standards and that’s not entirely bad, it was nice that they thought i could accomplish smth like that but it just got to be too much?? in the beginning, it was that i wanted to get good grades and wanted to do well. but now i felt like i had to get all a’s and i had to get a 4.0… or else i’d let everyone down?? i’d fail everyone - my parents, my teachers, the rest of my family. they’d all be disappointed and just toss me aside because now i don’t have any redeeming qualities.

i’ve got some really horrible mental shit that i won’t go into detail abt to save time but i thought (and still sometimes think) that i’m just unwanted. a waste of space. yanno??? my family would be better off without me and they’d have such happier lives if i was just never born.

so the thought of them being proud that i have good grades, it gave me a sliver of hope. but another thought came along with it: what if i don’t get good grades? will they hate me again? even more? i’ll just be a failure, there’ll be no reason for them to love me anymore.

so…yeah that was all weighing on me…

then i got distracted in my school work. instead of actually doing it, i lied and said i did because i just couldn’t handle it at that moment but i knew my parents wouldn’t just let me not do the work. so i said i did. but i didn’t. (duh) recently, my dad confronted me about it because my teacher upgraded my grades and he saw that i got 87/100 assignments, meaning there were a lot missing. and there were - and that was my fault. but i broke down and basically started almost having a panic attack, but i know how to sort of hide it since i’ve always had to go through them on my own. no one knows, so i’ve sorta learned how to just mask them and yeah…it probably not healthy, i know - i don’t need that lecture, it’s fine.

but anyway, yeah. uhhhh he just thought i didn’t submit them or turn them in, when really i didn’t do it at all. so he told me to submit it……….and i couldn’t, but i went in my room like i was going to submit anyway….

and my mind was just gone, like completely blank and the only words in my head was “die, stupid, sorry, look what i’ve done.” it was all in this post (which i should delete, shit) he said i had till midnight to make whatever revisions i wanted, then submit it… but that was impossible because i would have to do the assignments… and i started panicking again because i was fucking screwed. this was it, i thought. literally. i couldn’t breathe and everything was so shaky. i felt like puking, like dying, and i couldn’t stop crying. i cut my arms but i knew that i had to say something. there was no getting out of this and if everything turned to shit, i was already in the mindset of dying- if that makes sense -so it’s not like it would come as a huge shock or something….idk

but uh yeah, it was nearing midnight and i wasn’t even close and he came in to see where i was at and- uh- “i wasn’t even close,” i told him. “i didn’t do the assignments and i’m sorry i let you down again. like always. i’m sorry.” it wasn’t that composed, of course but like- i tried okay.

thennnn this happened and btw idk why there are 21 notes wtf lmao but anyway-

yeahhhhh that’s it??? i just wailed and sobbed as he hugged and like- he never hugs me. NEVER. and it was so shocking and i just sobbed….and i wanted to embrace the moment before my shitty-ass mind started making me doubt the words like always. but i felt better? two nights ago (the night after all this-) i told him that i wanted good grades, but it was just too much and i couldn’t handle it anymore because he saw me stressing over it all again and asked what’s up. i told him i wanted the grades for myself at first, but now it’s for him and my mom. because i want to make them proud of me, i want them to love me. and he said grades are good and stuff, but don’t mean shit because he’s still proud of me even without it. and i was crying again and BASICALLY THE FIRST TWO DAYS OF THIS WEEK WERE AN EMOTIONALLY SHIT STORM OF CRYING AND ALL THAT CRAP.

but hey- i feel a bit better now?? and i’m not stressing as much? STILL STRESSING, YEAH- but just- not as badly and like, i’m not constantly crying over me disappointing everyone because i just don’t understand something or whatever yeah blah blah nagi shut up

DAS IT, I GUESS :OO idk how to end this uhhhHH ANYONE READING THIS IS AMAZING AND I’M SORRY YOU HAVE TO LOOK THROUGH ALL MY STUPID CRAP. OOPS. BUT YOU’RE AMAZING AND I HOPE YOU’RE OKAY AND IF NOT, THAT’S OKAY BUT JUST KNOW YOU DESERVE IT SO KEEP TRYING AND STAY STRONG AND YOU’LL GET THERE EVENTUALLY BECAUSE AGAIN YOU DESERVE IT AND YEAH I LOVE YOU

#anon #ask #asks #asked #answer #answered #drama #nagi yaps

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mycoveredupfeelings · 7 years

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( I know people won't read this as a matter of fact I don't expect them to, I just wanted somewhere to finally share my feelings, I know a lot of people will think they're pathetic and nothing to stress over, god knows the people I have told (my boyfriend and friend) think it's nothing (I guess it is) but it's something that bothers me. I can't really share with anyone else because 1) they'll say it's stupid and fine, 2) they'll see me as the failure (so that rules out family).

I have a burden on myself that Im a failure, it never leaves me. I get jealous of people that are successful and have better grades than me even though I work my ass for them. In college life was finally great for me in the second year I got abcd in my as which I could drop the D and the C well there was nothing I could do, I wish I'd stayed another year and done another a level but I can't turn the clock. The a and the b was ok. The a was in law, the B in English Language and lietature and the C in Sociology. AS only counts as half an A level (which is needed to go to university - the higher the A level the better the university). The second year was better in that I got friends (I was a real loner with bad self esteem issues during high school, I went from group to group, got humiliated, I could talk about it all day but im sticking to this subject). But at the end of college I got the A Levels BBC. No they're not that bad, some would say they're good. But to me it was a massive disappointment. One that kills me Every time (you can laugh and stop reading thinking may be this might be an interesting read and I've actually been through some s*** and that's fine, im just writing this for myself). Because of my grades I never got accepted into the unis that j wanted, well if I got bbb I could have studied at Lancaster law school which was the only one I wanted. Luckily for me I got the uni that I have now (im not going to say it - I just want to remain as anonymous as possible) but im so happy with my uni, despite many never hearing of it. But it's a starting uni and all the time I think im still not good enough for it, they only accepted me for numbers to get it running,I'd never have got it had it been future years and they could finally choose people decent enough. But I thanked god I got in.

Once there I still felt bad about a levels and considered resitting them (people told me not to as it would have been a waste of time, I disagreed.) But while at university I had my first law mock in contract law And I got 70 percent ( a first) and j was so happy, I thought finally it's changing, I'd studies hard and knew what j was going. However when it came to the real thing I got a 58 (which is a 2:2 - a pass but that beat me up the most) it didn't go towards my final degree but I'd worked so hard for it, I understood everything, I couldn't comprehend why I did bad, at the same time I did legal essentials exam and got a lesser score (still a pass and tbh I was glad at this at it was more business). I cried about them after and that just added on to the hate I already felt. Then in tort I thought as this goes towards degree try to forget about the others (which is an impossible task for me) and just put your all in (which I did and I got 61 percent (you need 60 to get a 2:1). Loads of people get higher, and they all still congratulated me but I was so ashamed. I always thought it was all p*** easy, I thought I did incredible answering all the questions, remembering every single case there was, writing pages and pages,knowing every principle, but I was still doing no where near as well as I hoped) and again i cried. The final module was criminal, And I had been looking forward to this as it was something I wanted to go into. For this I got 62 percent (again I cried). So many people were getting 70 percent and 80 percent (firsts), I.simply felt like I didn't belong. I prayed to god so much for a high grade and worked my ass off, but it felt like it was all against me.

Now I am in my second year, I have my first mock for land law and I've promised in gonna well (although I thought I already was). So that sums up part of the reason why I hate myself and wish I wasn't me.

At university theyr3 already talking to us about signing up for training contracts at law firms and doing plenty of work experience and networking with lawyers. This fills me with dread 1) for the reason I'll mention in th3 next paragraph and 2) because I've always felt like a failure and never having any friends -i can't do any small talk, or talk in general. How would I even get an opportunity when I have no idea how to converse with lawyers or anyone (if anyone is still reading - you're probably thinking omg it's not hard just say hi or whatever - and you're right, but for me it fills me with dread.

As mentioned earlier her3 is the second point. During my second year of college I worked at McDonald's and boy was it a nightmar3. I did it as a Saturday job but each time I was treated like utter s*** from the main manager. I wasn't bad at my job, but I was mad3 to feel bad. I was a customer assistant which meant that I worked on the tills but nearly every week the manager would make.me do the cleaning of the tables (no one likes doing that so it felt so demeaning for me to always do it every week - but I never got any hassle doing it so I was glad to do it,actually relieved to, but still it was humiliating. I could never talk to the work force I tried but it always feels like I have to make an effort with people ( which I do) but it always makes me feel well how does anyone get friends because to me it feels like not a single person makes an effort to make friends (not with me anyway). Every week I'd dread when it would be a Saturday, I would spend Fridays not getting any sleep because I couldn't face working there, setting foot in there ( Even though I haven't worked there for 2 years I still can't go in and I still cry Every time I think of it, just like I do with my memories of high school). The main manager would threaten to sack me most weeks and tell me k was s*** at everything. I could never gain the confidence to defend myself with him or anyone,I just took it. He would humiliate me in front of customers and they would look at me like "oh im glad I ain't you" and "I can't believe I've just witnessed that". But I took it and carried on serving even though I wanted to cry right there ( I never cry in front of people,in fact I would smile and nod like "yes sir, of course sir im so sorry sir"). I remember talking to it with my parents ( I never share anything with them because in so ashamed to admit that im a failure but as j was talking I neglected to mention a lot if thing,they'd tell me to stick up for myself,my dad even offered go have a word with "this guy" and my mum told me to defend myself,but as I told them not even the worst of it,the very minor details of it my eyes welled and I looked down (I never cry in public not even let my eyes well but that I couldn't control) they didn't say anything to the eyes welling up luckily. Anyway, as I was going to uni I finally had an excuse to leave the place (you're probably wondering why I didn't leave earlier and 1) I didn't want people especially my family to se3 me as a failure even though they wouldn't have I always feel like they do and 2 I just never had the balls to give in my notice but I finally I did with the excuse "im going to uni" even though I came home every Saturday and could have kept it. He took it off me and when I checked the timetable he reduced my 2 week notice and just gave me one week (he couldn't wait to get rid of me). Anyway because of this,it has made me feel even more of a failure, I cry every time because I feel like if I couldn't even do a job at McDonald's how can I get any other, especially a lawyer.

A job came up at my mum's work and my younger sister (who gets all As got it), I thought she would hate it cos she's a lot like me for personality but she's thriving in it. I could never worj there because i thought I'd suck at that too but this time they would tell my mum about how s*** I am, that I can't take. I can't take my mum thinking im a failure, she's such a strong character, with my sister her colleagues told her to raise her voice "be like your mum", so that example should explain how different my mum is to me.

And finally I've finished.

#law student #university #training contract #a levels #failure #lawyer #law #student #venting

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kuriquinn · 7 years

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Hey Kuri. I just need a little life advice. How did you find your call in Teaching? I'm kinda struggling right now trying to find what I want to do with my life. Im going back to college soon but the subject I'm studying isn't what I'm interested in. I've tried to love it but its been difficult. I often times feel like a disappointment to my family because my siblings are all doing great and I feel like a loser not getting there yet.

Strap in, there, Anon, this’ll be a long one…

If I’m being honest, my call isn’t teaching - it’s writing. Even now, though I have a Big Girl Job and everything, which pays my bills and keeps my fur babies in food and toys, I consider my writing to be my real job. Even if, at the moment, it’s just writing fanfiction.

The first piece of advice I would give you for anything in your future is to do something you love. That way it will never be a chore and you will stick with it longer than five minutes.

Now, on the heel of that, the second piece of advice is: if you can’t pursue your passion, pursue something you don’t hate. And it might take you a while to figure out what that is.

I graduated high school with pretty decent grades, went to a good college and did well there (Liberal Arts), and I applied to university hoping to major in Creative Writing and Minor in German Language. My outside logic was: it would help me get into a writing field like journalism or translation. Inwardly, I figured I was just taking university courses while I was busy writing my novel and that before graduating I would be published and famous and rich.

Yeah, eighteen-year-old me was a bit of a naive idiot.

Cue life-experience:

My parents were kind of wary about the whole thing, they didn’t really believe I was doing a good thing, but it was my choice and they had to respect it. They knew what I didn’t, but would learn for myself. At the time I was also working in a bookstore, which while not my passion or anything, I actually enjoyed. Work never felt like work, and for minimum wage, that’s a good thing.

Flash forward to my first semester of university, in which I learned that a) my German skills were beyond what I could be taught at uni and I wouldn’t be able to take half of the courses I needed to fill my minor, so it was basically a waste of time to take and b) my Creative Writing classes basically centered around having a published author (and I use this term loosely to define a person who self-published one grungy, literary shock fiction and passed it off as literature) get up and talk about how to write. And not write actual good stories with decent plots and characters and such, but the gritty, sensory, detailed lyrical crap…and if you didn’t try to write exactly like that person, they flunked you.

So trying to follow my first passion didn’t exactly pan out.

I ended up switching my degree completely, majoring in Classical Civilisation and minoring in History. I figured, I love history, and I love research, maybe a degree in this could help me get a job in museum studies or as a researcher or something. The next two years passed quite nicely…and though my part-time bookstore job fell through because of crappy managers, I started to tutor a lot more (and my brother was in his last years of high school at this point, and needed my help getting through his classes) and I realised that I was actually pretty good at breaking down information and explaining it in different ways. Plus, I already had a lot of experience with learning difficulties due to my brother.

So, one year before I graduated, I get the bright idea to become a teacher. I had enough credits to switch majors, but the problem was, my university only offered Early Childhood Education…and while I dearly love little kids, more than five or six of them below the age of ten would probably drive me insane. I figured teenagers would be more mature.

(*pause* *waits for riotous laughter from Those Who Know Better*)

Anyhow, I had to apply to a whole new university program just to get into a high school teaching program. And that was the most miserable two years of my life, because teacher education is the most useless piece of trash degree you can take. You know when you learn? When they stick you in a school as a student teacher. I didn’t learn one thing from my second university degree except that sometimes the only way to move on to the next stage of your life is to sit through the boring shit and get a stupid piece of paper saying you sat through the boring shit.

And THEN…

I didn’t even get a job for another two years.

The thing people don’t tell you about university is that when you get out, there is almost no one hiring. The Baby Boomer generation is not retiring any time soon, the job market is flooded with so many newcomers that competition is fierce, and on top of that, your chances are reduces based on what field you go into. Science, Engineering, Computers, Medicine, Business and Law? Competition will be fierce, but you will definitely have a job at the end of your degree. Anything else? Unless you somehow become famous, every other job out there has a crappy percntage of hiring, and chances are you are going to have to get an average Joe job for a year or two before you actually get hired to do what you studied.

Me, I had one learning experience where I moved to England because there’s a huge demand for teachers (and learned why there’s a huge demand is because the school system there is complete shite), and then spent a year unemployed and basically acting as an unpaid domestic/caregiver because my mother was sick (I lived at home, though, so that’s why it worked out). I still tutored when I could, but I didn’t have as many clients as I had hoped for. Things were so bad at this point and I was so depressed I couldn’t even write…

I did finally get hired, but the way I did won’t make you feel better. I basically sent my resume to one of the schools where I did my field experience, telling them I was available for tutoring in the upcoming year. I got a call back (on my birthday) to see if I was interested in taking on an actual teaching job - they remembered me from my internship and remembered my brother (who once was a student there).

So I basically got the job because I knew someone.

And that’s the reality of it. You will not get a job (in certain fields, at least) unless you know someone. Networking and good interview skills are so important to getting hired these days, and your ability to be social (or fake being social) is key.

Even now, I’m not exactly secure in my job. As a teacher in the private sector, I don’t even have a contract. I literally spend every August sitting by the phone biting my nails hoping that they’re going to call me back for the year.

But it’s a foot in the door. You always have to think about it that way.

Contrast this to my brother - he finished high school, took a trade (auto mechanics), and had a job within a year. He now makes and will continue to make more in a year than what I will in two. He had his forever job at 19; I didn’t find mine until I was 27.

Now, if you’re still with me and I didn’t bore you with my life’s story, here’s the take away:

1. Pursue your passion. If you can make a living from it, you’re one of the lucky few. Keep doing you, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. Friends, family or loved ones, it doesn’t matter what they think.

2. If you can’t pursue your passion (full time, at least), do something that you don’t hate. Something that you are good at, a job where you can show up to and do your work happily and then go home at the end of the day and not stress about. Again, if anyone is telling you to do something you hate, DON’T. In five years, you’ll be burnt out, stressed and miserable. It is so not worth it. And if this is an Average Joe Job like working in a bookstore? Fine. Do that. It gives you more time to pursue your actual passions, and looks good on a resume.

3. Get a trade. Seriously, if you put off university for a year to get a trade, like real estate or mechanics or electrician or something, you not only give yourself the ability to be hired sooner, you can also support yourself throughout your academic career - and for those of you facing a future of student loans, this is so important!

4. If you pursue higher education, be prepared to change your mind A LOT before you graduate. You might find your are more interested or better at a certain subject that you thought, or a complete loss. There is nothing wrong with changing your major or minor until you find the right fit, just make sure you get all your General Education courses out of the way first so that you have that leeway.

5. After graduating, unless you’re in certain career fields, be prepared not to have a job right away. Get an Average Joe Job to keep you going, keep sending out CVs and going to interviews, and just hang in there - you will eventually get there, even if it takes you a little longer than your friends. And network! Make sure you keep in contact with people who might be able to help you in your career.

6. If you have the money and means, travel. Because chances are you won’t have the chance to do it once you join the rat-race.

7. MOST IMPORTANT: Do not let stress take over your life. You MUST find a way to balance your life while you worry about school/career stuff. Go out with your friends, travel when you can (even if it’s just a day trip to a museum!), write or paint or play music or build models or code or binge watch your tv show of choice, or whatever it is you do for fun - make sure you do it every day. Because your brain needs a way to unwind from the not so pleasant adulty stuff.

Anyhow, that’s the advice Twenty-Nine-Year-Old-Present-Me would give Nineteen-Year-Old-Me on the eve of starting university. I don’t know if she’d listen to all of it, but I wish someone had told me all that. Especially the parts about not getting a job right away. I thought I was a humongous failure because I couldn’t find work, when the reality was, I was just one of thousands of people seeking employment in an uncertain economic environment.

So, on that note, I hope that you managed to find some comfort or guidance in these words. Remember, you are not a disappointment and everyone moves at their own pace. Maybe you’re having a slow year and your siblings aren’t. Maybe next year you’ll be the one who has exciting new opportunities and they are stuck in a rut. Our lives are very static and you never know what’s coming around the next bend. Just keep on keeping on.

And personally? If I was struggling to love my college program? I would take a very good look at whether it was really for me.

Thanks for the ask :)

#advice #ask kuri #life lessons #the important thing is to breathe #career #school #passions #wish someone had told me this #the more you know

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justafangirlwithideas · 7 years

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💕🔥>

💕 = tumblr friends

So by now I think everyone knows who I’m gonna say first...

But for those who don’y, here are my three favs:

@alexandraherondaleblackthorn

@blackthorn-twins

And @lvdy-midnight

I love these three so much, I talk to them everyday and we have so many inside jokes and stupid things only we laugh about.

I also talk regularly to @catarinalosss @turtlesnook @brigitteisntfrench @livvyswifi @annalightwoodthequeen @kiaaan @blxckthorns and @illgiveyoutheshadows

🔥 = ventoh my god I hope this doesn’t get too long.

But anyway at school Im known as the Smart Kid. But not just that, Im known for being top of the class in everything. So whenever theres a test Im expected to get the best. In maths Im even expected to get 100% by my peers and teacher. And its been that way since i was maybe 10. And it has messed me up in so many ways. First of all the pressure is HUGE. I hate it so much. I have broken down multiple times, crying, both in school and at home, and all anyone ever says is dont worry everybody feels the pressure. YEAH BUT NOT TO GET 100%!! NOT TO BE THE BEST! It has messed me up so bad that I cant appreciate a good mark anymore (even like 98%) if someone gets better. I feel like a failure and that Ive disappointed everyone. Logically I know its good and i should be proud bc i had trouble with this topic, or just bc its a good mark! But I cant, bc ppl will be playfully commenting how i didnt get the best. And I cant talk to anyone about it bc they dont get it and get very annoyed bc anyone else would be so fucking happy with my grade. Once I got 96% for my maths exam AND MY TEACHER ASKED MY MUM IF I WAS OKAY. My maths teacher is my favourite teacher and I love her but that has... messed me up. Now I got my IGCSE maths results (I did the exam a year early) and I didnt get top of the class and I’m terrified of ppls reaction. And I hate myself for it. Sometimes I wonder if all this caused my social anxiety or if its a side effect, but I think it definitely causes these periods where i get a ‘cloudy mind’ and..... *takes deep breath* yeah...

Im really sorry for that but with school fast approaching this has been really worrying me again lately.... Again Im really sorry for dumping this all on you but it did feel good to get out

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bugclub · 7 years

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ALL THA QUESTIONS

it wouldn’t let me copy the numbers ;:) so here we go fellas

Who hurt you the most?geez idk maybe my dad altho in retrospect he was right and i was wrong but he said some really messed up stuff to me sometimes and he also was usually the reason i would ever c** my***f

Who have you hurt the most?probably my dad as well. i was fucked up as a teenager and i know it was hell for him

Who do you miss the most?no offense but my dad. i just rly miss ig how life use to be when i lived with him.

Who do you want out of your life the most?the bitches and freaks that send me anon hate. begone demons

Who had the biggest negative impact on you?the white trash xanax junkies i met in 2014.

Who do you wish you could be honest with?i suppose emilio. im not holding any secrets in but i dont tell him a lot of stuff like when my emotions are dangerously out of whack or im having a panic attack or anything like that. i think if i were more open about stuff like that we’d communicate better when im actually freaking out

Who have you harbored (any kind of!) secret feelings towards?hmm.. coworkers come to mind just cause sometimes i dont agree with things they say but i dont want to make working with them uncomfortable by saying anything. other than that just crushes from my past probably

Who would the world be better off without?donald trump, racists, rapists, heroin dealers, etc

Who do you wish you’d treated differently?grace…i use to not like her because someone was feeding me lies…im so sorry grace my beautiful raspberry girl

What was the worst day of your life?probably the day i woke up in a daze post being raped with all my money stolen from my car . or i suppose the day it actually happened

What’s your greatest fear?losing my mind

What’s your biggest insecurity?hmm…not sure. honestly im not very insecure like i know i have insecurities but nothing comes to mind immediately. i wouldnt know til im insecure about it

What’s your biggest regret?getting hooked on xanax

Describe your ideal world.boondock saints are in charge and they’re my best friends

Describe your personal hell.donald trump is in charge and my best friend is my bong rosalina

What’s a hopeless dream you’re still holding on to?damn idek, probably just that every day of my life i wish emilio and i would meet sooner than we did but obviously there’s no point in that

What’s the most embarrassed you’ve ever been?one time i let a girl borrow my phone in hs and her nosy ass went thru my shit and found…sensitive content. i was embarrassed for a long time. i only recently remembered this happened

What’s the angriest you’ve ever been?various evenings at my job at dominos. i fucking hate those bitches

What’s the saddest you’ve ever been?in the mental hospital

What’s the most scared you’ve ever been?this took me forever but it was DEFINITELY my bad trip. i thought i was dead lmao

What’s the most hopeless you’ve ever felt?probably also during that acid trip. i thought i was not coming out and this was it. it felt like real life was melting away and i was gonna be stuck in some blank universe alone. horrible. im gagging

What’s the most frantic you’ve ever felt?i dont really get frantic ever. im good at staying calm especially in dire times

What’s the best case scenario for your future?emilio and i get married and have a family. i dont really want or need anything else

What’s the worst case scenario for you future?i try heroin get really fucked up and die alone

What’s the most physical pain you’ve ever felt?the pain from the last time i punched a wall was ridiculous and came in big waves which was awful. utis can hurt a lot and im prone to those for some reason. when i had the flu my body ached like ive never felt

What’s the most emotional pain you’ve ever felt?i dont want to talk about this one

Describe a time you felt like a hypocrite.i dunno.

Describe a time you felt like a traitor.obviously getting with emilio at first…but ik its not actually that messed up now so 💁 irrelevant

Describe a time you felt like a hero.i dont know. i use to help out my junkie friends a lot

Describe a time you felt inhuman.almost always

Describe a time you felt like a failure.in fourth grade i got an f in math because i kept putting the plus sign on the wrong side of the problem and my teacher failed me on all my homework. no one was even mad at me but i couldn’t look anyone in the eye for days

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?i dont know..i use to spew out hate in like 2010-2012. i hate that

What are you proudest of?my relationship with emilio, our good dogs, my recovery (not rly done yet but so far so good)

What’s your relationship with your family like?good. weird and a little distant at time but good

What’s your relationship with religion like?non-existent

Talk about someone you’ve lost.eh.

Talk about someone who abandoned you.eh.

Talk about a desire you have that scares you.not sure this is a thing for me

What’s something you wish you were capable of?wish i had more motivation for things that could make my future better like college

What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of?not rly afraid of anything id do

Describe the kind of life you wish you’d been born into.mine was fine

Describe your worst heartbreak.i was subjected to things i shouldn’t have been because of bad timing. i wouldnt have wanted it any other way and things worked out

Describe your worst disappointment.not sure dont want to dig this deep rn

Have you ever taken a fall for someone?yes. and i still get shit on for a lot of it

Have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you?i honestly dont think so. correct e if im wrong

Have you ever done serious physical harm to someone?never on purpose (so far)

Have you ever done serious emotional harm to someone?probably. my bad

Have you ever self-harmed?yes

Have you ever attempted suicide?yes

Have you ever stolen something?yes

Have you ever cheated on someone?no

Have you ever been cheated on?no

Have you ever taken revenge on someone?nah

Have you ever seriously considered killing somone?yes 😂 oops

Have you ever betrayed someone who trusted you?allegedly

Have you ever experienced something supernatural or unexplainable?yes

thanks 💝🍓

if anyone reads all tis i love you and urr one of my best friends

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