messythoughtsandfeelings

[messythoughtsandfeelings]

0 courage to do things

The thing i’m saying the most to my friends in the last couple of months is that: i have 0 courage to do the things i need to do.

Meaning, i don’t have the strenght, interest or capability of getting off my ass and doing the chores i’m supposed to do.

I’m taking my masters, i have to write articles and work on my thesis, and i cant do any of this things. I’m stalling to do these works, and when i finally sit to try, i can’t concentrate on it. I get one paragraph or two each time, and this is really worrying. I live from the scholarship i receive from college. If i fail any subject, i lose the money, so i cant continue to do a half assed job. I also was supposed to love studying what i’m studying; i chose it, afterall. But even if can read and talk about it easily, i cant write any of those stuff, and that never happenned.

At home, i do chores, but at a basic level. Pressing things like doing the dishes and taking out the trash, that i can do. But doing laundry, tyding up my bedroom, that’s hard. Cooking is hard too, and it used to be fun. I would have ideas of what i should try to do, but now i can’t think of anything. And unfortunatly, i’m in a position right now where i’m the only one available to do all these things in my house. Which means, i have to cook and clean for everyone when i feel like doing nothing at all.

I’m also not getting out of the house much. I’m used to it, of staying inside for several days, but usually, after a week, i feel the need to go outside. Right now, i dont feel like it. I simply dont have the courage to step outside. 

It’s like i’m blank, most of the day. i watch series, i read fics or comics, i take naps, i play games. And then i do this all over again. And at the end of the day, i cant remember half of the things i did.

But im also mad at myself. The self hatred is back on full force. I hate myself right now for the fact that i’m not working on my stuff, for not being able to focus for half an hour and write the damn paper im supposed to write. Im also so embarassed because every single day i tell people that im going to write, im going to study, that i know i have to do this, and then, i dont. Im embarassed to tell them i failed once again...

So right now, im not okay, and i have no idea what i can do to feel better. Right now, after writing all of these, i still dont have the strenght to do anything...

#personal

[messythoughtsandfeelings]

Family

I come from a big family. 3 brothers, 10 uncles, a lot of cousins. Since I was little, i was taught to respect them, to put family first, that friends won’t last but family will.

Until around 2 years ago, i still believed all this, but now i understand that family is something you make, not that you’re born with. Your real family is composed by people that you love and love you back, that respect you. They dont put you down, they dont try to make you feel less, or hide who you are. Even if they dont understand you or agree with the things you do, they try to be by your side and try to help you, but in the right way.

This family might have some people related to you by blood or not. In the end, blood doesnt matter if the people you share it with are toxic to you.

Each day, i reject more of my family, specifically, my parents. Each day they show to me who they truly are. Is both good and bad: good because now i know the truth about them, bad because i’m losing two people that i respected a lot. I still love them, but i cant really explain why.

My parents always had this policy at home that we could talk to them about anything. They never hit us; instead the talked to us when we did something wrong. 

It may sound like something positive, and i thought so as well, but it was another lie from them. 

You could talk to them, but if it was something they didnt agree with, you had to be prepared for the psychological abuse you would suffer. I lost count of how many times i talked to them about something and they would made me cry and feel guitly about it. And no, it wasnt something bad, like im using drugs, or got pregnant, or killed someone. 

I had to chose one course to graduate, and i picked “the wrong one” and my father literally yelled “what is wrong with our kids, what have we done wrong with them”. Because i was 17 and thought about doing my graduation in literature instead of medicine, law or something else they thought was worth it. They made me cry my eyes out and feel guilty and like i had disappointed them because of that.

My entire life i did or didnt do things thinking if that would disappoint my parents or not. Clothes i wear, music i listen, books i read. The way i behaved, talked, my opinions. Everything was to please them, and yet i never could, because i was always a step behind my brothers when it came to grades or other accomplishments. My brothers, who would usually do things they didnt like, but were still sucessful, and me, who would do anything they asked of me, but was a failure.

And yet, i love my brothers with all my heart, but my parents are slowly becoming the type of people i hate and fear the most. 

Im cutting these ties with them, little by little, and they’re noticing it. Because i used to talk to them about many thing, and agree. Now, when i talk to them, is against their believes. Im withdrawing from their lives and i dont regret it. They are making me sick, psychologicaly, and i finally understand that i dont need to put up with this just because we’re blood related.

Im finally being the person i always have wanted to be. And i’m not going to give it up now, not even because of them. I understand that the priority in my life is myself, not them or anyone else. Sometimes i still struggle with this concept, but im trying to remember it.

My family now is composed by my brothers who, even if i always felt inferior to, never made me feel this way. They were always there for me and i know they’ll continue to be. I have some friends, not many, but some who  i also consider family. I will protect them until the end, and i know they will do the same to me. They respect me and try to teach me new things, and i love them for their patience and concern.

#family #personal

[messythoughtsandfeelings]

listen to yourself and watch your language. instead of saying “sorry for ranting”, say “thank you for listening to me”. instead of saying “sorry that i am overemotional”, say “thank you for trying to understand something difficult”. instead of saying “sorry if i am a burden”, say “thank you for the time and energy you invest in our friendship”. good things will come when you realize you are not an apology.

[messythoughtsandfeelings]

First post

So, the idea to create this blog has been in my mind for some time now. I thought i could have a space where I could spill everything that is inside of me, since I’m not able to do this irl. 

Honestly I dont know if this will work. I have this habit of starting things and never finishing them. But maybe I just should give it a try.

I just spent the last 20 minutes figuring out a name to this blog, and prettying it enough to feel comfortable with it. I have this thing, where I need everything to be aesthetically pleasing so I can start on it. So, i needed a pretty picture for the headers and profile, and a good theme too, so I could feel this is mine, a space i created for myself. 

English is not my first language so bear with me if there’s any mistakes. I could write in my native language, but i always felt more comfortable thinking in english, so writing in it should be easier too. 

Ultimately, this is just a space for me to put everything out there. All the things i cant stop thinking about, or the feelings eating inside of me. I think i need this, because there’s just so much of it, sometimes it makes me go crazy. 

Earlier i almost lost control because of everything that was inside me. I’m scared because everyday it seems that i’m getting worse. I usually only felt like this once every few months. But since late 2017 (one  of the worst years of my life, i can tell you this), my “down moods”, as i call them, only keeps getting more and more frequent. 

This week i think i had an anxiety attack, and that was a first to me. I usually feel anxious because of one thing or another, but this time it was different. It was so much worse and i got scared because that had never happened before. And it wasnt because something tragic. I had to go out and do some basic chores, and i couldnt. The thought of leaving the house was terrifying. Of taking the bus, going into a store and talking to someone that could solve my problem. I couldnt think of doing any of these things, simply because my head was a mess. A ton of things went around my mind, my heart was racing, i couldnt concentrate. I tried to take it step by step: first, pick up some clothes to go out with. This usually calms me down because i love to dress up myself. It’s a way of expressing my identity, one that i have full control of, so it gives me strenght. But i couldnt even remember what i had in my closet. Every time i tried to concentrate on a single thing, i couldnt. There was just too much inside of me.

So i gave up on going out, and the moment i did, i felt exhausted. Truly. More than i was feeling on the days before (and let me tell you something, i have been feeling pretty tired these last few months). I had to stay in two more days, before i felt good enough to go out. But when i calmed down that day, i also realised i hadnt left the house in over a week. 

Over a week inside my apartment, and it didnt bother me, i didnt even noticed. It wasnt the first time i had done that too, and it wont be the last. I could blame it on all the things i have to study, or that i dont have anyone to go out with (i have, but they cant always go out with me), or even that it’s too violent outside. All of this are true, but not the real reason i dont want to go outside. I simply dont want to leave this comfort zone i have inside. That is, most of the times, because i also have days where i cant stand being inside, where i feel caged and suffocaded. But even this only happens after i already spent a lot of time inside.

It’s weird, but now that i wrote this, it might be a metaphor for how i work: i dont tell people how i feel or what i think about. But sometimes i cant help but feel so full of everything that lives inside of me that i have to spit something out, or i might die from it. It’s usually a verbal tsunami, like this post, which, at first, was simply to say what this blog was supposed to be. Now, this is an example of how my posts will be, i guess.

I had another bad moment today, and it reminded me of the idea of this blog. After i calmed down, i came here and created this. I really hope it helps.

#personal #first post