#figured out. i hate i am looking for jobs i probably wont like telling anyone about because i graduated in a completely different field that

[crowtrinkets]

Your Weary Widow Marches

A Gender Neutral MCxFelix fic in which our dear barista educates their teacher and shows him some music from their home.

I’ve never really written fanfiction before but I thought Id give it a shot. The formatting looks weird on my end so if it looks weird after posting I apologize I couldn’t figure it out. Hope you enjoy!

—-

The crackling fire and pages being turned were the only sounds heard for the past few hours. Felix and I sat on either side of a couch placed in Anisa’s office silently reading our respective books. I’ve been in Astraea for nearly a week and had I known that Felix’s teaching method would be done via reading books the size of an encyclopedia I probably would have chosen Sage or Anisa instead... probably

I glance up at Felix, he’s sitting with legs crossed slouching on the arm rest of the couch, glasses on and enthralled in his book. I'm leaning with my back against the arm rest facing Felix, peering at him from behind my knees. I watch as his eyes scan the pages, partially hiding behind my book so he doesn’t notice me stare. I rub my eyes, dry from the endless reading of Astraean history. I know plenty of history and lore from this world thanks to countless hours of playing Last Legacy and stalking forums, but I don’t think I could’ve convinced Felix of that without having to explain what video games are let alone the internet. He thought if I were to learn magic I should at least know part of its history and it’s contribution to their society. 

Despite spending some time with Felix I'm still amazed at the attention span he has for reading. I scan the room trying not to move too much lest I be scolded by the warden. I glance over at the high back chair across the room. The one Anisa sat me in after my jaunt through Felix’s portal and painfully onto Anisa's desk. My mind begins to wander. 

I’ve only been here a short time but I feel like I’ve adjusted well. I wonder what's happening on Earth. Does time pass the same at home like how it does in this realm? World? Alternate universe? I still don’t exactly know how to explain my predicament. Has anyone noticed I'm gone yet? I wonder if I’m on the missing persons list, someone at work will have noticed I didn’t show up for my shifts. I cringe slightly at that last thought, my open book now resting on my chest. Ah damn it, I’m definitely fired aren’t I. How am I gonna pay my bills.... and my home, I miss my bed....my plants. SHIT MY PLANTS. I bring my hand to my face and cringe, my beloved house plants they’re going to wither away in my absence. Fate is such a cruel mistress.

“Bored of reading are we?” I slightly jump at Felix’s comment. I bring my hand down and look at him. Staring at me through his glasses a smirk on his lips. I flush slightly and close my book.

“No I just, got to thinking about Earth, and my life, I guess I’m just a little home sick,” I mumble out those last words. I want to be honest with Felix but I don’t want him beating himself up for my situation. I mean yes he is the reason I’m stuck here but I don't hate him for it. Felix frowns and closes his own book.

“Ah... I am sorry about that, I-“ I sit up interrupting him.

“No no no, I'm not mad at you, I’m actually quite enjoying my time here. I mean I don’t have to make drinks for annoying customers everyday here,” I force a laugh but it comes out awkwardly. Felix gives me a quizzical look. I then realize, with the amount of times he calls “dear barista” I just assumed he knew what it meant. “Yknow, my job? A barista?” Felix flushes and avoids looking at me.

“I must admit.. I do not actually know what that is,” I cant help but chuckle, the great necromancer Felix, is embarrassed to not know something.

“Well my dear teacher," I emphasize the word teacher mimicking the way he calls me, "allow me to educate you on some Earth information,” I sit cross legged and scoot closer to him book in my lap. Felix adjusts to face me properly and removes his glasses. I clear my throat and smile at him. “My part time occupation of being a Barista, requires me to make drinks for customers and sell them, more often I make coffee but sometimes people order tea. We sell pastries as well,” Felix gives me yet another confused look.

“All you do is prepare drinks and flakey confectioneries?” I nod in response with a smile, I can only imagine what he assumed a Barista was. Felix chuckles and runs a hand through his hair, “All this time I thought it was something more complicated, you described your customers as being annoying? I am assuming you do not like this particular job?”

“Well, I don't hate it but the customers can get a little rude and for the dumbest reasons too. One time a woman threw her drink at me claiming I added 3 1/2 shots of espresso and rather than 3,” I laugh to my self looking back at the memory, chuckling more when I see Felix’s horrified expression.

“A woman... threw a drink at you? Because she deemed it made incorrectly? I did not except Earth customs to be so. . . Barbaric,” Felix looks at me astonished and confused but all I can do is laugh. “And why are you laughing? Are you alright did she hit your head when she assaulted you with a beverage?” Felix is now standing while I clutch my stomach in pain, the combination of the story and Felix’s confusion is too much to bare. After a minute I manage to calm down enough to speak.

“No no, she did not hit me in the head, I’m just laughing cause it was funny, well at the time it wasn’t but my co workers took pictures and I looked ridiculous. I can laugh about it now,” I wipe a stray tear from my eye as I recount the experience. Thank god her drink was iced. 

“Picture?” Felix chimes in. I try to think of how to explain how photography works but I come up with an idea.

“Why don’t I show you?” I stand handing Felix my book and I jaunt over to Anisa’s desk. I let her peruse my backpack because she seemed so interested in my “Earthly items” as she called them. I walked back over and sit on the floor, patting the ground next to me so Felix can join. 

“You known there is a perfectly good sofa right next to you, I don’t understand why you wish to sit on the ground like we are mere children,” but despite his protests Felix sits next to me still clutching our books. I rummage through my back tossing the other items to the side. My wallet, a flyer, a jacket, that granola bar which has definitely crumbled to pieces in its package. Until I finally find it, my phone. My first night here I instinctively tried to use it, forgetting I am now stuck in a world without wifi or cell towers. In an effort to hopefully conserve its battery I hard shut off my phone I did not think I would need it but now is an opportunity for me to educate Felix about my world rather than his and tell him a little about myself. Really I just want a reason to prolong my time from reading anymore history. I hold the power button and silently pray. Please have some battery left, please please. Felix is leaning towards me, his face inching closer to mine, I glance at him studying his expression. He looks confused, and curious at the same time, there's a slight scrunch in his brow like he’s trying to seem like he understands what I’m doing, but I know he doesn’t. In that moment his eyes meet mine, I turn my head to fully face him, a blush creeps up his face and I can feel mine begin to warm as well. “Felix-“

BING

We both jump at the sound of my phone turning on. Damn phone, well I guess I kinda asked for that. Felix sits back and clears his throat.

“Um, what, what is that?” His voice wavers slightly but I choose to ignore it to save him some dignity.

“Its my phone, on Earth nearly everyone has one of these. You can use it to communicate with other people, take pictures, look things up, and listen to music.” I begin to unlock it and open my photo album.

“You can communicate with other people? On this... this flat brick?” Felix points accusatory at my phone the scrunch in his eyebrows have intensified creating deep crevices on his forehead. I nod while I scroll through trying to find the photo. 

“Yup and take pictures, such as this one,” I turn my phone to face Felix revealing the image documenting the after affects of being assaulted with coffee. He leans over to get a better look. In the picture I'm standing by the cash register, soaked through my clothes in an extra large coffee's amount of liquid. The brown liquid stains my apron and the parts on my white shirt poking out from underneath. There's smeared whipped cream going across my shoulder up my neck and partially along my jaw, and the scowl on my face could kill a man. The instant I show the picture to Felix he plants a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. He turns away in an attempt to hide his amusement but I know he wont last.

“Im-I must apologize I did not mean to laugh but, but the look on your face is hilarious,” Felix faces me again trying to hide his smile with the back of his hand. I start to chuckle, I turn the phone back to me and swipe to the next picture. Its a similar picture but in this one my co worker put whipped cream on top of my head, something about it “completing the look”. When I show this picture to Felix it breaks his terrible attempt of remaining poise. He laughs loudly, and it’s extremely contagious. I laugh along with him reminiscing in his beautiful laugh. Every once in a while we calm down until we look at the picture and we start up again. After a bit I’m able to calm down enough to speak.

“Don’t feel bad for laughing, at the time I was pissed but my co workers cheered me up and now I have these memories to laugh at,” I start to look through my album again as Felix calms down from his laughing high. I find more pictures to show him. Some are of me at work with my co workers, one picture of me laughing as I held a dog that jumped through the drive through window. I show him more pictures, some are of earth sunsets which Felix claimed to look like they belong in a painting. I also show him a picture of some Geese I saw while on a walk, and then a picture of said Geese chasing me. This gets Felix to laugh again but not as hard.

“You lead an interesting life on Earth, it seems similar to Sage you are also prone to provoke others into attacking you,” I roll my eyes at Felix’s joke and give him a friendly shoulder bump. Its at this moment I realize how close he’s sitting. Our books set aside and Felix is leaning on one arm politely looking over my shoulder at my phone, I can tell he doesn’t really understand how it works but it seems he’s enjoying this moment to much to ask. In an attempt to keep the sweet moment I change the subject.

“Hey do you want to listen to some Earth music?” With a nod from Felix I close the app and instinctively go to press my streaming app. Damn no Internet. I think for a second and remember I have some music I bought in times before streaming apps existed. I find the app and open it. Dear god my taste was cringey. I scroll through the songs until I stumble across a less than embarrassing song. “This is a classic where I come from, everyone has heard this song at least once. I lay back onto the floor so I can properly listen to the music. Felix looks at me and awkwardly lays down as well, I click on the song allowing it to play.

Just a small town girl

Livin' in a lonely world

She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Just a city boy

Born and raised in South Detroit

He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Felix gives me a puzzled look but I just shrug and look up at the ceiling. I close my eyes and take in the song as it plays. If I concentrate hard enough I can imagine my self back on Earth. Sitting in my room listening to 80s music while I do laundry or cook my dinner. I start to feel nostalgic again but I try not let my emotions take over. The song ends and I pause it before it plays the next song. I roll onto my side and rest my head on my hand.

“So what’d you think?” I beam at Felix, I genuinely want to know what he thinks of Earth music, and more specifically a song that I am quite fond of. Felix is laying flat on his back, he ankles crossed and his hands laying on his chest. He looks nervous to be laying on the ground next to me but has made no attempts to leave.

“I thought it was... interesting to say the least. It had quite a captivating story although I was confused when the subject changed multiple times, and what exactly are they trying to “not stop believing” in” Felix does air quotes and seems genuinely enthralled in the “story” of the song. I smile and start to look for another song. 

“How about you choose the next one?” I tilt my phone towards him. Felix sits up at my question.

“I dont feel very well versed in Earth music though,” He mumbles. I shrug at his comment.

“Just pick one with a name that sounds interesting to you” I show Felix how to use the phone and hand it to him laying back down. I peek at Felix, he’s holding the phone in one hand and is scrolling with the other, he’s holding it like an old man. I watch his face, he’s thoroughly looking at every single song title and determining whether they are interesting or not. I find it... cute, his concentration face is cute. Oh if he caught me staring I know he would become a blubbering blushing mess, I mean I would be too. I close my eyes again as I wait for him to pick. 

“This one seems interesting,” I hum in response, but when Felix says the title out-loud and panic seizes through me. I sit up and shout WAIT but I'm too late. He already pressed it. And then I hear it.

That dreaded, infamous G note. Felix turns towards me surprised and hastily hands the phone to me, I pause it before another note can play.

“Hells MC what will that song make my head explode or something??? You nearly made my heart stop.” Felix takes a deep breath with his hand on his chest.

“I'm sorry, that song its kind of embarrassing actually,” I can feel myself flushing, I look away in embarrassment at the fact that I had that song downloaded and the fact that I nearly sent my teacher into cardiac arrest.

“Embarrassing how?” Felix looks at me puzzled. I open my mouth to speak but then stop. Hold on a second, Felix doesn’t know this band, let alone what an emo phase is. Well judging by his raven skull necklace he does but not in the way I do. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if we listened to it. I do still like their music. But god did it HAVE to be this song. I clear my throat and look back at Felix.

“Nothing, it’s nothing I was just being dramatic,” I stifle a laugh. “We can listen to it, I actually quite like this band,” Felix nods and turns to face my direction, were now both sitting cross legged and I press play on the song. I smile a little as the song plays and close my eyes again. I cant even remember the last time I listened to this song. My mind begins to wander again, to my younger years when I first heard this song.

 I was such a try hard back then, wanting so badly to “be different” but also to mend the emotional pain I was going through, and this band really helped me through it. This song is a little more narrative than the last one so I hope Felix would like it. I can’t believe I freaked out like I did god he must think I'm crazy, or maybe that lady really did hit my head when she threw that drink at me. As the song plays I silently hum to it, quiet enough so that Felix might not hear. I drink in the lyrics and instruments and it feels like I'm listening to it again for the first time. 

The song ends and I open my eyes again to pause the music before it plays another one.

“So what did you think of tha-“ before I can continue I'm stopped by the sight of Felix’s face. His eyes are misty and his nose is colored pink. Was he... was he crying? Felix looks at me and his eyes go wide. He quickly turns away and rubs at his face.

“There-there is quite a lot of dust on this floor, honestly you would think Annie would have any sense to clean in here every once in a while,” I cant help but smile, wow he really is a goth child. 

“It’s ok Felix, this song makes me cry sometimes too,” Felix side eyes me and sniffles.

“I-I was not crying, yes I admit the song was... moving to say the least…. But, but I will not be mocked by you for my emotions,” Felix turns to face me again refusing to meet my eyes, his voice turning accusatory. I scoot closer to Felix and place a hand on his shoulder. He looks at me astonished and slightly flushed, either from the contact or the crying, I mean dust, I will never know.

“Congratulations” I say with a smile. Felix’s puzzled look twists even more.

“What ever are you talking about,” Felix questions.

“You’re emo now,”

#fictif games #fictif #fictif last legacy #last legacy fictif #last legacy #fictif felix #felix iskandar escellun #felix escellun #fictif sage #fictif anisa #crow writes

[goldentangerines]

askdjhskjhd im totally behidn on these asks and probably wont get to everyone but i HAD to ask you: can i hear more about the main duo of willows in gold??? your pinned drew me in so quickly!!! (also if you have a taglist or ever make one please add me!)

hello :D

ok first off thanks for sending an ask, it's 1am here and i was ready to log off buT BOY do i have some things to say about asja and damian!! so i'll try to make it as detailed and quick as i can hehe

when the plot of book 1 starts, asja is around 22 years old, short black hair that looks like it was cut with a dull blade, very unhealthy pale teint, her joints crack all the time. damian is 16, honey blond curls, just gaining muscles, skin getting darker and healthier and more freckles under the summer sun. since the main theme is found family, their dynamics could be described as brother and sister, but it somehow goes even deeper than that.

asja has been raised as the daughter of a lord of sillave, which is a small peninsula that recently gained independence from the kingdom of fonadír. (weirdly enough, sillave isn't even on the same continent as fonadír, it's the northest settlement of the southern continent, but that's a different story.) she was to be wed to the crown prince of fonadír, but something terrible happens the night before the wedding and asja vanishes into thin air, never to be seen again. months later, she stumbles onto the great plains of hesgon on the other side of the continent, into a settlement of mercenaries, who take her in as one of their own.

... which is where she meets a boy the mercenaries found in a wooden coffin belonging to human traffickers — damian. he's not even 14 years old yet, a thin, lean boy with terrible nightmares. she's forced to share a room with him because nobody wants to and she's the newbie to the group, and when asja is sent to her first field job, he's selected as her partner. she's not very happy about that because he's a child and not trained and very nosy, but well. they make it work, with a rough start and lots of "we-don't-talk-about-the-past" and before asja can think of it, she's grown so fond of the boy that she can't imagine leaving him behind.

now, at 22, asja has killed for damian, she has bled for him, she would rip the world apart for him. (if i were even more sappy than i already am, i'd say that he's the (only) light of her life.) she has taught him everything she knows and every lesson he needs to learn, and he's been eager to learn and do as his sister does. he follows her everywhere, would do everything for her, would even leave his home and school among the soldier settlement for her.

and then book one begins as they're forced to accept a job listing asja never wanted to take, a journey that takes them back to fonadír, a place neither asja nor damian want to visit. she can't tell him about her past and her secrets, because it would endanger everything that's dear to her, especially him, and he tries so hard to figure out what weighs so heavily on her shoulders while also trying to hide his own history because he believes she'd abandon him if she knew what he did.

(neither of them know that while their secrets are cruel and sharp things, the other could never hate them or leave them or rat them out to anyone.)

tldr; they're two very secretive people who trust the other unconditionally while also fearing the other's love is conditional because they're both insecure as all hell, they're my sweetest children, they deserve the world, and they kind of start a teeny tiny war between humans, magical creatures and maybe *coughs* divine beings. oops

ok i'm certain that this doesn't make much sense and sorry for the rambling and my terrible english rn i'm so tired but also thank you for asking!! if i upload more i will tag u 🥺🥺💌

#also note that there won't be any romance for damian bc he's 1) a minor and 2) on the aroace spectrum #ask game #willows in gold #asja #damian #ocs #writing #my writing #writerblr #i'm so paranoid of someone stealing my ideas even though they're not even that good but oh well. i wanna share things!!!! #gremlin speaks #it's 1:30 am #i have uni in less than 6 hours kill me #original content

[zirkkun]

I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

#zircon rambles #a lot #lol #its very long im sorry #i spent way too long writing this too #also please don't reblog this

[seijch]

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

#did i have an announcement tag #announcement #also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted #my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee . #anyway um i hope everyones doing well #some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is #its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍‍♂️ #and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd #im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence #consider this my comeback stage

[alyfawx]

I cant keep doing this...

I cant keep up with evrything expected of me...

i lose sleep..

im in pain all the time...

I keep pushing but i feel like...

utter shit...

I hate my job but i need money...

I Dont get paid enough to pay bills and get things that i like...

I am told in different ways that im not good enough or im not doing enough...

I cant find to much happiness doing the things I love...like writing...or eating stuff I love and crave...

im worried everyday about my health but i domt have the motivation to donwhats needed to keep it leveled...

im at war just toget my insurance but they keep saying my account is still open in fucking NY and its been years of flinging to my social worker trying to figure it out and cancel it and they say they will give me the papers I need to donit but never does and because of that my mental health is getting worse and worse because its not getting treated and i try to treat my own self with research and stuff but there is so much i can do...and I considered just...going to a mental psychiatric clinic but then I cant afford that because my damn NY account in insurance keeps saying its open but me an my mom tried to get it fix and it just will not fucking close 4 years of trying this 4 fucking years and im suffering inturnally...i contemplate running away from going to work but i cant...because work equals money...i feel like a burden to my family but have no clue what else I can give to them...when im fucked up...i cant take more hours because I feel like if I did I will be lutting more stress to my body that will probably make things worse....i hate asking for help because its looked down uponed...or I feel like my problems are solo fucking little compare to others who work there god damn butts off and im here complaining I cant do a 4 hour shift for like 4 days back to back without wanting to fucking blow my brains out because everything hurts...and on top of that I seriously cant deal with the stress my mind is on when im there..."im not good enough or fast enough or im socially awkward and weird and people will look at me like i'm not trying hard enough" and that makes work for me a living fucking HELL...because everyday I wish I see people doing things more efficient then me...but if im going any more then i am doing...im stressed and anxious and like not comfortable... and i just try to keep those thoughts down...but there is a point where I just cant even bother because my mind is so hard to shut off...once it gets going...i Don t know what to do anymore...im starting to feel like...hopeless...helpless because theres so much expactations on me...brcausr no one ilunderstands...no one wants too...and when they try they just say you just got to do it...its life...it I get compared to better off people mentally...stonger people...thats even with there struggles they can do it...im not one of those people and i dont think I'll ever be in my current situation...and honestly...u dont know what else I can do anymore...and its to the point where trying anything more then what I feel I capable of...ill push myself too much and I'll snap...and do something stupid just to get out of it...but I fight that thought...everyday...because of these expactations and people who love me...and I try to convince myself it will get better but im exhausted...this fight is draining me...and I want everything to change already...its want a fucking merical...something to get me out of this rut im in...because I juat cant do this anymore...im fighting and im still not giving up but im afraid that...oneday I wont be me anymore and that protection of fighting will break and then...it will be to late...

I will try with every fiber of my being to keep that fight...and fight...but theres just so much you can take when your in this low rut...that comes up and down and up and down...and up and down like a figging roller coaster...and sometimes its just...unable to keep those ups for very long...and I lie to myself to keep fighting...but im to the point where...i just...cant keep doing that....an I need help...and thats gonna worry people...and I try to keep this to myself...and even now after writing this im regretting this...but this is needed to come out...i am not okay...im not normal...im dying inside everyday...this is serious...please help me...and I know...thats hard to hear for some people...and you guys just probably want the Ally before she went through trauma...and you just want to think lightly of me...and that im fine and content...and I want her back too...i try to keep her...but theres times I just cant and shes so far away ...and I wont be ending my life...but...im just...not okay...and idk what to tell anyone...cuz I have no clue how to fix it on my own...its hard to keep up this mask...that I hide...but the mask is crumbling...i cant keep it together for much longer...

I wish I was okay...but im not...and I really dont know what else I can do anymore...

I try to keep a content mindset...but...unfortonatly I really can't...i hope I get out of it...i want to be okay...but im not okay...and I domt want it to get it to thr point where I cant recover...so please if you can help me in anyway...please...do....its a mess up here...and by tomorrow im sure...ill act like im okay and the way i am is fine because I don't every time...don't listen to me...i need all the help and support and love and understanding I can get...but dont freak out because when you freak out im freaking out and that stresses me out more....just approach me with a calm state of mind...and try your best to help me...and forgive me if it doesnt sink in to me quickly...i need patiants and lots of it...not frustration...not being told im not. trying hard enough because that will make me feel resentful and that isnt good for anything... not for me and not for the help...so please if anyone can help me out...its appreciated...

[diamondcamefromhell]

Jaskier x Fem!Reader

I need more Jaskier in my life and it's late and I cant find anything here so here you all go. Jaskier x Female Reader. My first ever imagine (how do you call these) to hit tumblr. It's like 1am and I wrote it real fast but I love Jaskier so it's worth it.

[ PART TWO ]

Summary: Y/N works at an inn, serving ale and cleaning barf and piss, when she meets Jaskier and Geralt and things change.

Warnings: Swearing, other than that, none.

Word count: 1,846

Needless to say, I tought if I heard ‘Toss a coin to your Witcher' one more time, I would break down. This song spread like wildfire and I don’t even know how it happened, I was minding my own buisiness – serving up ale and then a group of men came in singing it. Acording to them they heard it on the road. Now entire town sings it.

Even I catch myself humming it when I am cleaning spilled ale off the tables. However this time, when I was cleaning barf of the ground I heard a lute play the melody I could have recognized in my sleep.

That fucking song again.

I turn around, ready to cuss out whoever dares to play it, but I don’t recognize the man, if you can call him that, before me.

I can tell he's a bard, wearing pale blue matching set, hugging his lute. The top is unbuttoned just enough for chest hair to peep through. His hair is neatly brushed, his grey eyes scanning the crowd.

Until they meet mine and my heart stops as a bard smirks at me, continuening the song. I hear someone yell ‘the Witcher' and only then I notice a giant behind the singer.

White hair, yellow eyes. I could see his swords from here, who needs two of them anyways? He was dressed in all in black, weirdly contrasting the bard.

The song ends and men cheer, but the bard keeps his eyes on me, bravely approaching.

“Beaware of the barf.” I point out, as his eyes drop to the ground and he giggles.

“A lady like yourself, cleaning vomit of the floor? You should have knights lining up to bewed you.” He extends his arm, and I give mine, he gracefully places his lips on top. “I’m Jaskier, the great bard travelling with Geralt of Rivia himself.”

“Y/N. Just a woman serving up ale.” Jaskier smiles at my words.

“May I serve ale for Lady Y/N?” Not sure how to respond I rest the mop on the side of the table, allowing the bard guide me to a different one.

I have to admit, I was never treated so nicely. Many drunken men try to impress me, but then again, they go for anyone who looks like a woman. I sit down as bard rushes to the bar, I cant hear what he says to the Witcher but he looks annoyed.

Moments later Jaskier places ale in front of me, siting next to me, but not too close. I sip the drink, but Jaskier doesn’t take his eyes off me.

“You beauty is worth a song.” I blush, flattered by the compliment.

“Hopefully not as annoying as the Witcher one.” I tease him, looking at Geralt, seemingly annoyed at the world and chuging his ale.

“You do not like my song?” Bard sounds offended so I look at him, smiling.

“Not when I have to listen to it all the time. Drunken men don’t sound the best.” He frowns, glancing around the room. “You sounded great. What are you doing here, anyways?”

“Stopped for a break. Roach needs to rest too.” Now I am the one that frowns.

“Roach?” I ask and bard laughs. My heart skips a beat.

“Geralt's horse.” Jaskier winks at me. “I would advice not touching her. Or even looking at her.”

“Got it, Witcher likes his horse.” Bard smiles, gulping his ale. There is something behind his eyes I can't quite read.

“You seem sad.” I decide eventually and he looks surprised.

“What do you mean, Y/N?” he gives me his most genuine smile. Before I can speak, I hear someone shout.

“Aye, Y/N, care to bring us some ale? We working men don’t have all day so sit around and wait for you to finish flirting. We pay good coin, so do your fucking job.” My cheeks flush red.

I stutter something to Jaskier, standing up and rushing to the bar, where the bartender is already preparing the ale. I see Witcher staring at me, but I ignore that, bringing the ale to the angry men.

“Next time, you will get to work free of your coin.” One of them hisses at me. He's clearly drunk. “And clean that vomit, woman!”

I grit my teeth but feel tears prick my eyes. ‘Fuck this’, I think, still rushing to the mop. I don’t notice a shadow looming over me until Geralt lands his hand on the table near me. I see anxious bard behind him.

“I thought maybe Geralt could help.” I hear the bard say but my eyes stay on the vomit.

“Witchers kill monsters, not men.” I glance at Geralt who hmms at my words. “Besides they’re right. It’s a shitty job, but I get my coin. I get to eat and sleep because of it.”

“You are far to beautiful to be bound to a place like this.” Bard argues, but I cant look at him. I’m ashamed. “You need a garden, not a mud pit.”

“Beauty doesn’t pay for bread, I am afraid.” I hear men grunt behind me, getting annoyed again. “Thank you for the offer. I must continue working now.”

I can barely turn around to face the inn again before in keepers angry voice fills the room.

“You wont get coin for today, you lazy bitch.” I stop in my tracks. I hear Geralt grunt behind me, and bard uttering something.

“That's not fair." Jaskier then steps next to me, holding onto his lute as if it’s a shield. “Lady Y/N can have a little chat if she wishes to do so.”

“She's barely a lady, look at her.” Men scoff, and bar fills with laughter. I feel sick.

“I have looked at her and she strikes me as a Lady, true noblewoman.” The bar fills with laughter once again and I take a step back.

“Listen bard, if you want her, take her. She's useless as is, she can barely clean up shit, what else she’s good for?” My cheeks set ablaze as I take one more step back before I bump into, what I can only guess, is Geralt.

I manage to apolgize, rushing around him running out of the inn. Once outside, a horse neighs and I stop in my tracks, looking at what I guess is Roach. The horse I was strongly advised to ignore.

I still step closer to her. A brown beauty, looking healthy and well fed. I have my own horse, black as the night, the only other being I ever cared about. My only escape from piss and ale. I undersand why Geralt prefers if nobody touches his horse. I feel the same about Sky.

The horse neighs again, but before I can do much else the inn doors fly open. And I mean fly, the whole thing drops to the street. To my surprise, Roach doesn’t seem bothered, like she's used to it.

I see a drunk man on top of the door, realizing that he was probably thrown at it. I see pale blue figure approach me and a anxious bard grabs my hand.

“We need to go, Geralt will be fine.” I glance at Roach, but bard drags me away. “Horse will be fine too.”

“I need to get Sky! My horse.” Jaskier grunts but stops, I hang onto his palm tighter, rushing around the inn, where my black stallion is waiting for me. “Come here boy, let's go for a run.”

I climb on the horse, extending my arm to the bard, who lands behind me, wrapping his hands around my waist.

Adrenaline rushes through my body as I hurry Sky into the forest, out of town. Jaskier orders me to stop and I see an old campsite. I guess Geralt will find us here. I jump off the horse as does Jaskier. I look at him as he laughs.

“This will make a great song. A damsel in distress.” I roll my eyes at this, petting Sky. My heart feels like it’s about to burst. “I am so sorry you had to pull up with that, Y/N.”

“You rescued me.” I wink at the bard, making him blush. “My knight in shining armour.”

“How could I not.” He steps closer to me, extending his arms. I rush in for a hug, and a surprising relief of tears washes over me. I sob as the bard rubs my back.

I hear neighing and a thump, followed by an angry grunt. Geralt. I pull away from Jaskier, looking at the Witcher, who was staring at us.

“Thank you.” I say, wiping tears away. His expression softens a little, but when he looks at Jaskier, he seems to grow angry again.

“If it weren’t for this bard trying to be a bigger man, there would have been no fight, he was going to lose if I didn’t step in.” Jaskier protests but Geralt just turns away to pet Roach. I look at this duo, this weird bond between them.

As annoyed as Geralt acts, he did save his friend. And he approached me to help me, even if the bard annoyed him to do so.

I wish I could have a friend like that.

“Y/N?” Jaskier pulls me out of my mind and I look at the bard, who still seems sad.

“Jaskier.” I respond and he grabs my hand. I feel a chill of something rush down my spine. I don’t want him to let go.

“You could stay with us a little. Until you figure out what to do.” He speaks fast, clearly anxious. I can see Witcher is listening, even if he pretends he has no interest. “Free of your coin. Roach could have a friend too.”

“Hmm.” An annoyed one is all I get from Geralt who is now eyeing down Sky.

“I don’t want to trouble you anymore.” I say, praying he argues with me and asks me to stay again. And so he does.

“Oh such a lady traveling with us would never trouble us, right Geralt?” This time there’s only silence. Jaskier squeezes my hand tighter. “Please.”

“Only for a little while.” I give in, my heart fluttering in my chest, butterflies in my stomach. The sadness in bards eyes also seems to go away.

Then I get it. He was lonely. From his Witcher song, and I bet many other ballads I will hear, he truly cares for Geralt. They are best friends and companions. But this pale blue dressed boy needs constant love and appreciation to feel fully complete. For better or worse, Gerlant cant provide that.

I squeeze his hand back and he beams at me, until he lets go and pulls out a lute, strining a melody and already singing a song.

I see Geralt going to Sky, allowing him to sniff his hand. My horse neighs and I see Geralt smile a little.

I guess I now know the two people from the ballad I hated so much. And they are the best ones I have ever met.

PART TWO

PART THREE

#jaskier #witcher #geralt #geralt of rivia #jaskier x reader #jaskier imagine #jaskierfluff #jaskierxreader #jaskierfic #ilovejaskier #iNEED MY OWN JASKIER #also probs will do more fics #i will die for this buttercup #hope you like thiz delusional masterpieve #jaskierwitcher

[the-sunshine-dims]

Green

title: green 

words: 2202

ao3 link

pairings: dukeceit (deceit and Remus,)

*warnings*; strong language, sympathetic dark sides , thoughts of abandonment, crying,  mentions of food, hurt/comfort, mentions of burns,

summary: Remus gets accepted my the light sides, deceit is happy for him but sad because he thinks Remus will abandon him. but then Remus comforts him

characters: deceit, Remus, Patton, Virgil, Logan, roman

____________________

Remus somehow unknowingly got accepted to the light sides 

he spends so much time there deceit gives up thinking he’ll see his friend  anymore, at least not as a friend,

deceit gets used to the dinners that Remus isn’t there, well at least he tries, but he never gets used to the silence, that damned emptiness, deceit hated being alone, he never had told anyone but he hates being alone, absolutely hates it!

Remus hadn’t noticed how much time he spends there,

  by the time he goes to hang out with deceit he goes around the corner expecting to see the normal: deceits room with the classic “go away” door matt.

 but now there’s a small sign on the door “please do not come in” scribbled on it lightly

and then he notices that the door is not locked, which is unusual, normally deceit keeps his door locked so Remus would stop running in with a bunch of garbage in hand, 

so Remus of course starts getting worried and did the Remus way of things; opening the door without knocking 

he sees deceit curled up in a little ball next to his bed in his pajamas (w-was he crying?) 

“hey dee-dee! sorry I stopped intruding-”

deceit immediately flinched and tried wiping the endless tears from coming down  when Remus was noticed

“hey dee-dee are you ok?” Remus said genuinely concerned about dee

“ye-yeah i’m fine’ deceit said trying to cover up his tears (and failing)

“… are you sure?” Remus walked closer to the crying deceitful side 

“y-yeah-” deceit couldn’t say another word or he would completely break down (more then he already has)

“dee… I can tell when something wrong! that’s a little bit of my job after all!” 

deceit flinched at that, deciding it was better not to respond

“dee… can I hug you?” 

deceit was a little surprised that Remus had asked he couldn’t tell if it was good or bad all he knew was that it was all influenced by the light sides… it didn’t matter what his brain was saying he nodded slowly

Remus didn’t hesitate for a second to wrap his arms around deceit in a oddly soft embrace, Remus grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around them for extra comfort

“hey dee-dee… you don’t have to but can you tell me why you were crying? the last time you cried was when Virgil left… again you don’t have to tell me!” Remus said hesitantly trying to connect the dots (and somewhat failing)

deceit hesitantly muttered something  before speaking a little louder for Remus to actually hear “I- I was- I thought you were ganna le-leave-’” deceit got out before letting out a sob

 Remus was startled by that (Remus startled?? yes.) Remus held the crying snakey side closer

“shh its ok… shhh i wont leave..i would never leave you like Virgil did… its ok shh” Remus shushed comfortingly as he began crying a little too, he wasn’t expecting any of this.. honestly he just wanted to hold deceit protectively forever

after about a half hour deceit fell asleep quietly in a comforting embrace (#letthesnakesleep)

“aww he fell asleep! its better then crying more… I don’t want him to cry…” Remus said tilting his head on deceit’s head gently

he was happy deceit had gotten sleep and Remus just noticed that deceit had eye bags,

 Remus realized he hadn’t seen deceit in a while… he was ganna change that, if he had gotten excepted by the “light” sides then he would bring deceit with him! deceit deserves to be listened to, if they would listen to Remus they would listen to deceit.

after about another half hour Remus had also fallen asleep —— Patton had decided it was a good idea to allow Remus to be a more active member of the famILY 

the others hadn’t really opposed to it but they could tell Virgil wasn’t the most thrilled, and roman got fed up with Remus easily (brothers ya know)

but Virgil knew Remus didn’t really wanna actually hurt anyone and roman just didn’t really care as long as Remus didn’t touch his sword 

so Patton invited Remus for dinner, again, and again, and again, until Remus kind of came on instinct ______ Patton didn’t know why but he felt on edge, Patton knew he was missing something but he couldn’t tell what it was, Patton knew he was missing something! it made Patton a little mad he couldn’t figure out what he was missing

then around dinner Remus doesn’t show up, and that’s all it took to worry Patton.

Remus was gone, they looked everywhere even his (very messy) room, they still couldn’t find him

it wasn’t until Virgil decided that it would be a good idea to check deceits room or at least ask him if he had seen Remus recently or knew where he is

when Virgil knocked and didn’t get an answer Virgil got more worried he already was, Virgil turned the door nob seeing if it was locked it wasn’t, so Virgil finally hesitantly opened the door

he saw the two wrapped around each other absorbing each others warmth

“hey pat Remus is fine!” Virgil yelled after closing the door

“hmm! did you find him!? did deceit know where he was?” Patton asked quickly walking over to Virgil

“well deceit definitely knows where he is, but deceit didn’t tell me…  cuddle puddle.”

Patton made a small happy lil gasp “aww!! so we should leave them be! we can talk or hang out with Remus later! maybe we can hang out with deceit too,”

Virgil chuckled “ok pat lets go tell the others- Roman. not to destroy the mindscape looking for him”

——-

Remus woke up quietly a couple hours before deceit but didn’t want to wake him up or leave him alone so he just stayed there quietly cuddling closer letting deceit absorb his warmth

when deceit woke up he noticed the still lingering Remus around him 

“m’  sorry…” deceit muttered close to tears again, unknowing Remus was actually awake, he felt awful, ‘what if he had just ruined Remus’s chance at finally being listened to?’ his mind said

Remus wrapped his arms tighter around deceit 

Remus tilted deceits head to face him, “you don’t need to apologize… I mean I don’t apologize even when I do something wrong most of the time and you didn’t even do anything wrong!’ Remus laughed softly, trying

to make sure deceit knew  everything is ok

Remus wondered how long deceit had been crying before Remus came in, ‘how long has he thought I was ganna leave him completely? how long has he thought he would be completely alone?’ Remus thought

“thanks…… can- can we have more blankets? I want comfy!” deceit smiled wetly

Remus laughed “sure, but lets go to the kitchen first so you can eat,”

“ok” deceit smiled

Remus picked up deceit surprisingly deceit didn’t squirm or protest “now lets go!” Remus smiled as deceit quickly grabbed the blanket from the ground and readjusted himself a bit so he wouldn’t be cold,

Remus wandered into the kitchen deceit In his arms

he sat deceit on the couch 

“hey! I can help make the food! I-” deceit said 

“nope, you should be resting you have bags under your eyes, and since I don’t know the last time you’ve slept~ just sit tight, okay?” 

deceit decided not to argue, he let out a sigh “fine, but~ later we have to make cupcakes,”

Remus let out a loud a laugh “deal, it also says a lot that you’re to tired to lie,” Remus ruffled deceits hair causing deceit to blep 

“… fair… also no hair squish!” deceit swatted at Remus’s hands,

Remus laughed “ok sir blep-noodle! now i’m ganna go make pancakes,” and with that he walked into the kitchen.

deceit grabbed the remote, turning on a show, just so he had something to pay attention to, to pass he time —————- after about an hour or so, (deceit wasn’t paying attention to the time) Remus came back with two plates of pancakes,

“dee-dee! I got the food! and I only got burnt twice!” Remus beamed at deceit before handing deceit the plate

deceit gave a airy chuckle “thank you, and i’m proud your getting better at cooking but I think we should get that number of burns down to zero.”

Remus laughed “ok. now eat you sleep deprived snake, and then after we eat we can watch movies! though tomorrow we have to find a solution the- uhhh- thing? because we cant have you being sad or lonely!”

Remus smiled dee

deceit sighed “okay” then they both began eating

—————–

 a while later (no one was keeping track of the time) they turned on a couple movies and cuddled until deceit fell asleep, using Remus as a pillow,

 —————–

 when they woke up they ate and watched a couple more movies.

 Remus paused the movie and looked over at the side latched onto Remus’s arm “hey dee-dee should we go to the light sides and try to solve the problem soon?”

 deceit looked at Remus and gave a contemplative look, “hmm I guess so, do you mean right now or-? because if its right now I have to change out of my pajamas”

 Remus laughed “nah, not right now, we’ll go chat with them when ever you feel like you can, talking can be hard when your tired.” 

deceit nodded “okay, well i’m not as tired as I was a couple days ago so I think I’ll be fine,” deceit smiled at Remus and Remus smiled back

“ok so are you fine with going now?”

“sure but-”

Remus stood up and swooped down to pick up dee

“lets go!”

deceit laughed “Remus- pfft- no we have to change!” deceit giggled

 “if they say anything bad about your snake pj’s then I’ll fight them!” Remus laughed maniacally causing deceit to burst into a fit of giggles

Remus beamed at the giggling deceit, he began running to the light sides area 

“Remus- no-”

“Remus yes, owo”

deceit laughed again

“Remus-“ deceit laughed again  "actually, this probably isn’t the weirdest thing they’ve seen, they have Virgil, Virgil goes to bed at 4 am and if you got to the kitchen at 3 you see him sitting on the fridge.”

this caused Remus to laugh  “yep!” 

Remus burst into the light side living room with deceit in his arms

“what up bitches?!” Remus yelled with a laugh

Patton yelped “oh- hi Remus! hi deceit!” Patton said deciding not to mention the fact about them being in their pj’s

roman on the other hand- “why are you in your pajamas? did Remus wake you up and bring you here?”

deceit stared at Remus “that wasn’t anything bad about the pj’s, no fighting.”

Remus laughed “fine~”

Patton, Virgil, and roman looked at each other confused

“have you two eaten?” Logan asked

“oh don’t worry Logan! I made sure he ate!” Remus said happily

“good, deceit i’m guessing the reason you’re in your pajamas is because of Remus?” Logan continued

deceit giggled “no, he didn’t pick me up off the couch and run me over here”

“oh don’t act like you don’t like being carried” Remus chuckled

deceit hissed and Remus booped his snoot causing deceit to blep again 

“noo! I am powerful fear me! I am an agent of chaos!” deceit squeaked 

the two abrupted into fits of giggles 

Patton beamed a smile at the two giggly bois

deceit remembered people were there. his face turned bright red and he hid his face in Remus’s shirt with the logic of ‘if I cant see them they cant see me’

and deceit stayed there for about a half hour while Remus talked to the other sides, and deceit just absorbed Remus’s warmth, ignoring the outside worlds existence 

and then deceit heard a muffled Remus asking “if I can join the light sides then can he? I don’t want him to be alone,” deceit tensed

“I mean, you’ve talked about him, and pretty much confirmed that he doesn’t wish Thomas harm, plus he doesn’t deserve to be abandoned. so yeah he can be a light side,” said a more serious sounding Patton 

Remus smiled

deceit readjusted himself “hey Remus can you set me down? its getting uncomfortable, plus I wanna go get a hoodie, its cold.” deceit whispered to Remus

Remus nodded and set him down to the confusion of the others, deceit walked off

“is he coming back or-?” Roman asked

Remus shrugged “depends if he finds a hoodie or he finds a warm place to huddle in,” 

“does he usually wander off to find warmth?” Logan asked

“eh sometimes, though when  its winter I go with him! he’s a cold danger noodle!” Remus laughed 

they continued to talk for a while before Remus left

————–

“i’m pretty sure we’ll need more blankets,” roman laughed “first because I want to make pillow forts and second because cold snake,” 

Patton smiled “agreed” 

“am I the only one who has the feeling that we’ll randomly find deceit in a pile of blankets in the middle of the floor?” Logan asked

Virgil laughed at that “oh that’s definitely ganna happen.”

————–

end

#dukeceit #trashnoodle #deceit x remus #sander sides #sanders sides #the cold one writes #random shit hour #sandersides #deceit sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #sanders sides fan fic

[weaselle]

COMPLETE SHORT STORY

WRITING-PROMPT-S.TUMBLR.COM/POST/175961780920: PROMPT: YOU ARE A CREATURE WITH A FAERY MOM AND A VAMPIRE DAD. FROM YOUR MOM’S SIDE YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO IRON. FROM YOUR DAD’S SIDE YOU NEED BLOOD.

(special thanks again to desertskald for this drawing, which touched my heart)

A few days after your birth, your condition is diagnosed by an old gnome that makes house calls, who tells your parents that their daughter may not survive the week. Your vampire dad stays up all day in a sunless room researching. By evening he has a list of animals with blood that carries oxygen utilizing hemocyanin, similar to hemoglobin, but copper based. These creatures are all sea creatures, so your family moves to the shore.

The blood of various mollusks, crustaceans, and cephalopods is enough to keep you alive, but not healthy. Your father, obsessed with finding a way to de-ironize human blood, becomes a vampiric mad inventor, sort of a Dr. Frankenstein meets the Dad from Honey I Shrunk the Kids. He’s constantly coming to you with his latest experimental invention - homemade alchemical tablets that are supposed to dissolve in blood and turn iron molecules into gold (but half the time they change it to silver, which is equally problematic) fang tip filters that fit over your teeth and screen the blood (which actually works, they’re just so delicate they constantly break, often in the biting process, rendering them useless) heavily altered summoning rituals (if I can summon the whole demon, why can’t I summon just its blood?) various magic potion additives for mixing into blood (okay but you have to follow the recipe EXACTLY or you’ll leak all your minerals out of your eyes, and your bones will melt. You know what? never mind, give me that back) centrifugal devices featuring magnets (that one had a lot of promise, but none of the models ever quite did the whole job, and they weigh a ton)….  

While your father is determined to discover a process that will allow you to feed on humans, your mother focuses on fairy magic hacks - she teaches you how to set circle traps, and syphon health from people, but, like all fairy magic, there is a trade off. The more health you syphon, the worse your health the next day when it wears off; it’s like a hangover. And, like with a lot of the darker magics, it becomes a little less effective each time you do it, requiring more and more health be syphoned to achieve the same gain. So she teaches you more things, how to use glamor to seem convincingly healthy, how to float instead of walk, how to ensnare the minds of mortals to use them as temporary servants if you need things. How to temporarily access various kinds of life force from forests, from the wind, from the creatures of the local biome, etc,. Standing next to you on the beach at night, she shows you how to pull power directly from the magic of the full moon, and use it to experience a brief respite from your sickliness… which grows slowly worse.

It’s all so tiring. You spend more and more time on the beach, sitting in tide-pools, staring out to sea, motionless. Time flows by without touching your immortal parents, and hardly anything changes. Your mother wanders off to follow her self interest, as fairies are wont to do, but she visits often. Your father is obsessed as only a vampire can be, and barely remembers to get enough to drink; many nights you have to ask him “Dad, when is the last time you exsanguinated anyone?”

Years pass.

One night as you are sitting on a rock amid the rising tide, idly draining crabs of their blood while lost in thought, you finally notice that every time you reach down into surf, another crab is put into your reaching hand. Looking down into the water, you see the laughing face of a playful young woman, and that’s how you meet Neera.

Neera, you learn, is half werewolf. Every full moon she must turn into a wolf, and so she can’t live in Finfolkheem, the crystal-halled deep sea home of her mother’s people, which is a three week journey from the nearest beach. And she can’t live with her father on land, of course. She doesn’t even know where he is, or if he’s alive. On her mother’s side, she’s finfolk, and part ceasg, part selkie, which somehow has something to do with her mother’s family and their ancient tradition of vacationing along the shores of Shetland. “I’m a total mutt,” she says, laughing, and you can’t help but smile. Her eyes are like black opal. She’s beautiful. Neera spends a lot of time alone. “Feral,” she grins, but, while loneliness has made you quite and shy, it seems to have had the opposite effect on Neera. She’s an amazing shape shifter. She can have a lower half that is plush-furred and flippered like a seal, or jewel-scaled and finned like a fish, and she can magically remove her fur or scales like a thick skirt, to reveal human legs. And while she is helpless to be anything but a wolf for three days out of the month, she can choose to be a wolf anytime she wants. “And I can be like, part wolf part human, like this” she shows you. “AND I can almost change into a whole seal, like great-gran, she’s a selkie, even though her daughter and grand daughter, that’s my mother, can’t do it” she tells you excitedly, “probably because of my were-blood; great-gran thinks selkies and werewolves may have been related way back when, that would kind of explain why I can take my scale-tail off the same way selkies change, so I think I’ll be able to go full seal. I haven’t quite got the trick of it yet, but soon I think. Mother hates me trying; when I first started I would turn into a wolf instead, and I almost drowned a couple times.” “My mother’s people don’t really like me” she confides one day, “most folk are frightened of me, because of my father; I even scare my siren cousins a little” she says, looking at you out of the corner of her eye in a rare moment of vulnerability. “Don’t worry, my dad’s a vampire,” you say, baring your fangs at her, “no werewolf is going to make me nervous” But she does make you nervous. But not, like, scared nervous. You still can’t believe she wants to keep hanging out with you. The two of you are soon spending almost all your time together, down on the beach. When your mother visits, she is glad her daughter has found “some fey creature” to be friends with, and you father is happy that you’re happy. “That’s great! My little fruitbat has a friend.” He looks up sharply “does she have red blood, or does she bleed blue?” “NO, Dad, I’m not going to eat Neera” you tell him, rolling your eyes. “Yeah, okay,” he agrees “seal and wolf, that’s a lot of mammal anyway, probably hemoglobin all the way…” he trails off as he resumes tinkering with a ferrous gel he’s trying to entice a half-tame poltergeist into possessing. Neera tells you about her ceasg family members “They’re basically Scottish mermaids closely related to the finfolk, they can live in lakes, rivers, seas and oceans; My grandmother was a full blooded freshwater ceasg, my mother is half ceasg, half finfolk and selkie. Have I told you about the time I met some oceanic ceasgs? The saltwater ceasgs can grow monstrous big, like if a whale was a mermaid!” Her stories are captivating, like everything about Neera. You grow more and more sickly, but you hardly care, spending your time on the beach watching Neera frolic in the waves and listening to the stories of her adventures. She discovers that your vampire heritage means that breathing is optional for you, and she guides you carefully to some nearby underwater caves. It’s the most beautiful adventurous thing you’ve ever experienced, until later that night, when you return to the beach and lay on your back in the surf, looking at the stars with Neera, and she reaches over and takes your hand in hers. ... “What would happen if you drank my blood for real?” She asks one evening as the two of you watch the waves. “Well, I’d have a terrible reaction to the iron in your blood, and I’d probably die.” “I thought faeries and vampires were immortal though.” “SOME faeries are immortal, others just live for thousands of years.” “Yeah, but, wouldn’t your vampire blood tip the scales there, make you true immortal?” “Probably,” you shrug “Actually yeah, Dad is pretty sure it would.“ “That’s cool,” she ruffles then smoothes the fur just below her hip; she’s been working on her selkie form. “Mermaids and werewolves and everything I am don’t really… I’ll probably only live about 200 years. I wish I had that vampire thing going on” Your compromised immortality is an uncomfortable subject for you, but the thought of Neera dying fills you with horror “It wouldn’t save me from death by iron though; faeries and vampires can be killed, they just don’t often die of old age. I might though. I keep getting worse” “Oh,” she leans against you for a moment, and kisses your shoulder. “But what if you weren’t allergic to iron?” She’s asking a moment later - nothing keeps Neera down for long - “What would happen if you drank my blood then?” “Well,” you say, playfully, “If I didn’t drain you empty, you’d be my thrall; You’d be under my spell, and you’d do anything I told you. For a while. It would wear off eventually.” Neera wiggles deeper into the sand “Your servant? Could be fun. But I thought I’d become a vampire too.” “No, for that after I drank almost all of your blood, you’d have to drink mine. If you could stomach it.” “Oh, come on,” she says, smiling with a mouthfull of teeth like piranha “you know I’d eat you right up” making you blush and change the subject. By the time you realize how deeply in love you are, it is obvious that you are dying. Vampires can’t live long on the blood of crustaceans; you’ve been dying this whole time, and the only reason you are still alive is because your fairy blood has made dying take so long. At least your own research in your fathers lab has turned up some information worth sharing with Neera. “Hey, I figured out what would probably happen if we did the blood exchange ritual” you tell her one morning, squinting in the glare. Neera looks up from her sunbathing, and flips seawater at you with her tail “Yeah?” “Yep. It doesn’t happen with finfolk or werewolves often, and, of course, I couldn’t find any literature on someone with your exact pedigree. But from all I could tell, you’d get the immortality at the price of blood dependence - the two are strongly linked. Your supernatural origins would probably cancel out most of the rest of it, so you wouldn’t even have to give up all this,” you say, waving your hand vaguely at the bright unpleasant sunlight. The sun didn’t do to you what it would to your father, but you don’t enjoy it the way Neera does. “You’d have to drink someone’s blood pretty often though, it’s a high price.” Neera laughs, a loud and shockingly happy sound that bounces around the cove “I’m finfolk and werewolf” she reminds you, still laughing “I lure men into the sea and drown them for fun, I snatch men off the side of the road and eat them for dinner at least once a month - I don’t think I’d be too broken up about a little change in diet like that.” For some reason it makes you love her all the more. One night the two of you are walking along the beach together, hand in hand, and you see a glint of a metal ring half buried in the sand. You both reach for it, then jump back exclaiming “Silver, YUCK!” in unison. You collapse on the sand together, laughing. “Oh what a shame,” Neera pouts, “I was looking forward to some new jewelry” You feel your breath catch, your sickly heart leaps and stutters. You reach into your pocket, for the ring you’ve been carrying around in cowardice for so long. You’ve only been waiting for the right moment, you’ve told yourself… but if this isn’t the right moment no moment ever will be. “Well,” you try to drawl casually, but your voice breaks “I’ve got this one made of gold. Has a diamond on it.” Neera looks at you with wide, wide eyes as you turn awkwardly in the sand and raise up on one knee. “Neera, you know I’m dying, and I have no right to ask you..” You can’t talk for a moment, and you see tears brimming in Neera’s eyes. That’s no good, if she starts crying you definitely will. You clear your throat “Neera, I… without you, my life wouldn’t…” all your carefully planned speeches are forgotten and useless “Neera, I love you with all my heart. Will you marry me?” She leaps onto you and kisses you deeper than you’ve ever been kissed. Somehow her tongue nicks a fang, hers, yours, impossible to tell - a single drop of her blood slides down your throat; you feel the small pang from the few molecules of iron in it, but you don’t care, you would suffer much worse for her to keep kissing you like this. The kiss comes to an end, but before you can remind her that she hasn’t actually answered yet, she says softly, lips still brushing yours “if” she kisses you again and then gets up, stepping back as you lay there on the beach, a strange look in her black eyes. “I love you so much,” she whispers “and yes,” her voice gets stronger “yes I’ll marry you IF” she takes another step back, swinging her scaled skirt/tail over one shoulder, “if you CATCH ME!” and with that she starts sprinting toward the water. Up to mid thigh in the ocean, she stops to put the skirt back on, where it transforms into her fish tail once more. “It won’t be easy!” she yells back at you as you climb to your feet “Show me how much you want to marry me!” and she disappears into the sea. Are you heart broken? The most excited you’ve ever been? Confused, that’s for sure. “Yes if??” What the hell is that?! And you’re still just standing on the beach! Concentrating, you summon your faery magic, casting a functional glamor that lets you move easily despite your sickly condition. Entering the water, you stop breathing - your vampire nature serves you well in this. You cast a spell similar to the one that lets you levitate, and you begin sliding through the water at a rapid pace. The blood, that single drop of her blood you swallowed, it gives you a faint sense of what direction she went. You follow quickly. After a few hours your glamour wears off. You are out deep in the ocean, and no closer to catching Neera. You are… angry. What the fuck. Who does that, just runs off and tells you to chase them? Is it a werewolf thing? Because the ocean makes that extra fucked up. You reach deep inside and connect to the old magic. Broadcasting it, you draw life-force from the local sea life. Of course you’ll pay for it later, and weak as you have become that will be especially hard on you, but you don’t care. Is she playing with your heart? No, your love is mutual, you trust her, something else is going on. You have to catch her. Burning up your borrowed energy, you surge through the water. After 24 hours, you are desperate. You’ve never used the fairy magic this heavily before. You’re in deep crushing blackness, but you utilize your vampire powers to counter it, seeing in the darkest dark, transmuting your flesh to mist to avoid being compressed like an empty can. Where IS she? After three days, you are more frightened than you’ve ever been. You’re not sure you’ll survive this. Your tenuous blood link to her indicates she still lives, but at this point you are scared for her too. You thought the blood link would wear off, but it seems to you that the intensity of your hunting is keeping it engaged. Engaged. Is that what you are now? Is this a selkie engagement ritual? You won’t get much further without at least a little blood of some sort. You latch onto a 6 foot humboldt squid like some kind of freakish remora. It fights you at first, tearing at you with all its arms but you drain it with such rapid savagery that it dies before it can do you much harm… A full week now, you’ve been zipping through the ocean. Periodically you cry. Sometimes you laugh. You’ve leaned on the old fey sorcery so hard that death seems the certain trade off at this point, and you are determined to look into Neera’s eyes one last time before it claims you. Fuck it. You were dying anyway. This has been the biggest adventure of your life, of most people’s lives. You’ve seen secrets no human has ever known, met demonic giants of the deep, passed by mysterious crystal cities on the lowest ocean floors, witnessed creatures thought extinct by even the long-lived and nature-sensitive fey. Only your love for Neera and your desire to see her one last time keeps you going, pulling a little life from every living creature within ten square miles of you with the darkest magics you know. The trail, blood link growing ever fainter, seems to indicate that Neera is heading for shallower waters. Suddenly it occurs to you: the full moon - she has to return to land, the ocean is no place for a wolf. It’s the third and final night of the full moon’s effects on her… how is she still in the water? Summoning your vampiric flavored fairy powers, you launch upward through the ocean and burst skyward, letting your emotion fuel a pull on the forces around you strong enough to put you up among the birds. You assess the blood link as you waver there, your outer body numb as it has been for days, the very blood in your veins vibrating painfully, your soul drained as a broken bottle. There, the beach of a small island, hardly more than a sandbar. You don’t think it’s on any map, but it has to be the place, the moon is out, Neera will be swimming as a wolf, as she has been for three days and nights, she has to be exhausted, she must be headed for that tiny strip of land. The magic falters, but you are so close, you grit your teeth and pull, and every seagull near falls dead from the sky as you use their stolen life to hurtle toward the beach. It isn’t going to be enough though. You aren’t going to make it. So close, but you start to fall. It’s too bad, because you can see a dark canine shape dragging itself painfully from the ocean. NEERA As you tumble through the air, you remember your mother, standing next to you on the beach at night, arms raised… …pulling power from the full moon. Crying, desperate, you try. The moon is sinking below the horizon as you make the tenuous connection. It’s just enough. You crash down onto the sand mere inches from a very wet and weary wolf, one hand closing around her hind leg. The magic is gone. Time to pay the price in full. To call it a hangover would be to laugh in the face of certain death, and you haven’t the strength. Your head bumps and shifts, and you open your eyes to see Neera, beautiful Neera, cradling your head in her scaled lap. You feel peaceful. You’ll die. It’s okay. “N…eera..” you manage, “dy… dying.” With great effort she pulls your torso upwards to embrace you. “No,” She whispers, clearly near the end of her own strength “you’re not going to. Remember I told you my gran was a ceasg?” Oh. It’s story time. That’s nice. Good way to go. Her voice is beautiful, even when strained from your shared ordeal. “Here’s something about ceasgs… sometimes they marry. Even mortals, if they are caught. And when you catch them… They can grant you wishes.” You thought you were paying attention before, but now every part of your brain that isn’t dead already is concentrating on her words “My gran, was full ceasg, when she was caught, she could grant three wishes,” Neera says, huskily, tears leaking from her inhumanly black eyes, “My mother was half ceasg,” she continues “and she was able to grant two wishes, but the chase had to be extra difficult, that quid pro quo all magic has… and it doesn’t work if you let yourself be caught” Neera starts to cry harder “Oh my love, I had to be sure, I had to be so certain, I had to try my very hardest. I pushed myself until I didn't know if I would make it” she sobs “I was so scared… but I knew you would catch me. I knew. And after a chase like that… I should be able to manage one single wish.” She leans down, resting her forehead on yours. “Don’t fuck it up,” she whispers, voice breaking “don’t wish to live… wish away your iron allergy” “…but…” It doesn’t make sense. The iron allergy doesn’t matter at this point “… die any… anyway.” “Sshhh. No you won’t. Because then, once you’ve made your wish, my sweet, my dearest… you’re going to drain me of blood” What? No. “… you… you die” Neera laughs through her tears “Me? Oh no my love, not me..” she brushes one thumb across your cheek and bares her fangs in a lewd and loving grin “Don’t you know? I’ve always wondered how the rest of you tastes…” Yes. YES. You close your eyes, and make your wish. Her blood is the sweetest most pure thing you’ve ever drunk. Life, stronger than any life you’ve lived before, floods your whole being. After, her fangs buried in the artery on the inside of your thigh, you feel an ecstasy your vampiric heart never knew it needed. Later, the two of you explore your new vampire selves together; never having drunk real blood, the experience is as new for you as it is to Neera. As the sun rises you dig a hole in the sand and cover yourselves in it, wrapped around each other to sleep. It just feels right. Laying in the cool dark underground, Neera snuggles against you. “SO," she asks mischievously, “what do you think of a deep-ocean marriage ceremony?” You laugh, “Wherever you want, my love; you already know… I’ll follow you anywhere” ________________________________________________________________

more fiction and other WIPS on my website Moulin Noir

#fiction #writing #story

[lorcanbeithioch]

‘The Talk’

Sitting in the long rustic room of his family’s compound Lorcan felt sure whatever the night brought, he would be fine, he would stand, or sit as the case normally was. Valentine had braided his hair back and Lorcan felt sure he was as well dressed as his family cared for, most of his famiy cared for. Vilk-Mont was known for his outsider fashion that came from saiing.

Lorcan had been sitting by the fire for thirty minutes as he heard talking outside. Elsewhere in the compound Valentine was probably surrounded by his aunts and cousins. Whatever they were talking about was a secret for him and the other men.

The door to the meeting space was flung open by Lothar. The spindly, hald insane man danced around as one other man entered with a basket that was steaming in the cool night. The man behind Lothar was the last outsider to marry into the family, Rodrego. He was a bear of a man but one who had taken to the families strange ways. Lorcan couldn’t think of him as an outsider, at least not anymore.

“This is a day I never thought would come!” Lothar spun around giggling and humming a song only he heard. “Little Lorcan finally getting a mate. Course you had to do it the hard way didn’t you? Fall in love with a Beast who dies and now we have her back.” A thin hand clapped down on Lorcan’s shoulder as the teasing continued. “At least we know you love her! Or she would have been released to the Shadowlands and you’d be our shoe in for confirmed batchelor!”

Rodrego sat the basket down and pulled out curred meats, cheeses, bread, freshly churned butter, and a few bottles of mead that he poured into some mugs. “Careful of the teasing Lothar, this boy can still knock you down with a propper hex.”

“Oh he’s going to kill me one day!” Lothar said the truth that the whole family knew. One day, Lothar’s insanity would be too much and Lorcan would be putting the old man out of his misery and would then take the lead of the clan for himself.

Now he got to do it while being with someone he would die for.

Taking the mug of mead Lorcan offered a small cheers. “So what do we do tonight?”

Anyone who wasn’t married never went through this rite of passage, but with Valentine having less than a month till she got a body he knew it was his duty to ask his family’s blessing to marry his soulmate. Even if all of this was a formality. 

“Your mate right now is with the wives of the family. There she is learning our ways, most of them of course she already knows since she’s been lingering around us. But in a real body, it changes everything.” Lothar tapped his chest. “We have to protect ourselves and make sure the person we choose will choose us over the outside world. Which, she does.”

Rodrego smiled a bit, a world wary look that Lorcan had seen from him before. “My wife is probably telling her about how I figured out my place here.”

Lothar nodded and tapped the bigger man on the shoulder. “You think people will forget that story, but we wont! You will always be known as the one who came naked to Yule when we all dressed in robes. I think your wife loved it.”

“What about me?” Lorcan asked. “Do we just.. sit here all night?”

Both of the older men laughed. “Hardly!” Lothar boomed. “We need to make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself when Valentine is finally whole.”

He had no idea what his uncle meant and he looked to Rodrego for answers. “You mean not get tongue-tied around her? I don’t think that will be easy.”

“Not tongue-tied,” Lothar took a long drink from his mug. “Not unless your tongue is between her legs.”

Lorcan had been deep in his mug when his uncle’s lewd comment made him inhale mead. Coughing and trying to get the burning away from his eyes Lorcan looked between the men as if confused. “What did you just say?”

“You’re going to make the boy lose his mead Lothar.” Rodgrego said his voice a lower thrum. “When Valentine and you live together, with two living bodies. There is going to be an oppertunity where you two can have sex.”

“Rut like Beasts! Fuck! Make the Forest proud with your heathen mateing.” Lothar said in a sing song voice.

The fire grew from Lorcan’s stomach and raced up to his face and ears. “You’re... Right, you’re not joking.”

“Why would we?” Lothar said throwing his arms out. “Our family loves sex. What are we? Outsiders. No offence Rodrego.”

“None to be taken.” The larger man smirked and shrugged. “I had to learn the family’s ways. Outsiders can be... shocked at how open all of you are about sex. I remember my first year, I thought I had to hide it. But her father pulled me aside and threatened me if I was ever ashamed of loving my future wife, I would be banished. I learned fast to get over my Light fearing guilt.”

“Exactly!” Lothat boomed his grin on the tettering point of insanity. “We live too short of lives to live with shame and guilt. Why feel shame over making the woman you love glow with how much they’re loved? Proving your sexual prowis is what we men can do to make sure our lovers are happy and never want to leave. It’s our job to make them satisfied.”

A dark smile was on Rodrego’s lips. “He’s right. I mean, I was already having sex with your cousin before we started our year of living together. I knew what to do.

“But, you’re a virgin.” Lothar said in a plain way, like how all Beithiohcs spoke with a blutness that came from living with out normal social norms.

“I...” Lorcan was going to say he wasn’t, but it would be a lie and he knew you didn’t lie to family like that. “Alright I am. I know what I’m doing though. I know what to do with myself.”

Both of the older men watched him in his seat. Lorcan hated he was prone comapired to them. Annoyance at how stupid he sounded only added to his anger. “Fine.” Lorcan took a long drink form his mug. “I’ve watched enough summer solstices. I know what happens.”

“No, you know what wild fucking looks like.” Rodrego reached over and put a warm hand on Lorcan’s shoulder. “We’re going to explain what you need to do, how you get to learn how to listen to Valentine, let her guide you. You’re a visitor to what she has already mastered. But we’ll give you tips we know about, and you’re going to have to learn how to last long enough to make sure she’s happy. That’s our job.”

This was not the night he had thought about. He thought Valentine would be the one having to learn the most, but he found himself looking between the two men and nodding. The Beithioch family’s reputation was at stake. Lorcan was just a sign post in the long road that had started the family.

If he put more thought about it, he had already done this once. In the lifetime Valentine and him were bonded in he had kept her, fallen in love with her and forsaken his original plan. He fell in love with a human woman and bound the Beithioch and drust bloodlines together. This time there was no war going on, at least none between humans and drust.

“Where do I start?”

The older men looked at each other grinning. Lothar went to speak but Rodrego spoke up faster. “Have you heard of a clitorus?”

(( Mentions: @vermilion-valentine​. A inside peek at what the men of the clan talk about as they get Lorcan to understand what it means to have a wife. More relationship stuff gets talked about too, But Lothar and the other men would be damned if Lorcan finally got do have sex and didn’t know what the hell he was doing. Yay for heathen families with strange social norms!))

#Between RPs #Valentine's Body #The Talk

[btgalaxy]

Twisted

➳ a/n: cue generic party chapter ~ admin m

➳ pairing: yoongi x reader

➳ genre: mafia!au, angst, eventual smut, maybe fluff

➳ word count: 4.6k

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Chapter 4:

        Wake up. Train. Eat. Rest. Train. Eat. Train. Eat. Rest. Train. Sleep. Repeat.

It’s the everlasting cycle your life has contorted into. Every morning the old lady brings in your breakfast, thankfully with a book on the side for you to read throughout the day when you’re supposed to be ‘resting’, then you go and train with Jin all day, and that’s pretty much the extent of it- till you’re eating again.

He hates you. You can tell he does. Or, at least he’s immensely irritated by you. Although you really can’t tell why you seem to affect him so deeply and personally. You’ve only known the man for 5 minutes.

You can also feel Yoongi watching you, centre of the training area just next to the men eating, throwing crude comments your way you have to ignore. You sometimes glance up, only to see the same sight of Yoongi’s palm pressed against the glass looking down over you, an amused smirk loitering on his lips. Prick. He likes to see you suffer, you’re sure of it. Even when your legs are about to give in; when you can barely breathe you’re so winded, Jin’s still at you with ‘we’re not finished till I say we are’, and every moment you spend catching your breath he adds on to the end of your allotted time to eat into your rest times. Not that you much enjoy those times either.

You’ve not made a single friend, not one. Everybody just looks at you like you’re the enemy- you suppose you were at one point. The only people you have met are constantly busy, and the old lady leaving you books wont even look your way, so you’re kind of stuck here by yourself. It’s lonely.

Your thoughts, predictably, often stray to Jimin. Whom you’re still somewhat adamant to portray as a kind, loving man in your mind, even if everyone around you is telling you otherwise. It’s maddening, the way some people spit out insults about him right in front of you; there was an occasion where one man was being cheered on for brutally slandering his name in the eating area next to where you were training, and Jin had to let you go early, practically being able to see the steam bursting from your eardrums and the fire blazing in your eyes.

You don’t like your life here, you prefer your old one. Granted, this life isn’t half what you expected it to be, you’re still isolated and you aren’t doing anything you really want to do- nor are you getting any sunlight whatsoever so your skin has paled and you look almost deathly. You’ve allowed yourself to wonder if Jimin really wouldn’t come and find you here, save you and take you back into his arms and give up this whole lifestyle. You could get away from this whole career of vice and crime and instead flee to some rural coastal town and lead a simple life, but you can’t even talk to Jimin right now. You don’t even know if he’s aware you’ve left.

“There’s some sort of a party tonight, duckie,” Taehyung grins, escorting you back to your quarters, as you’re apparently still too untrustworthy to move about by yourself.

“I thought you didn’t have those. I thought they would be deemed ‘moments of weakness’,” you counter.

“Well,” he shrugs, “there’ll still be a whole troop of men on guard. And it’s a special occasion. We successfully distributed our biggest shipment ever from Japan to all our partners; no complications,” he smiles smugly, raising his eyebrows at you as if you’re supposed to react more impressed.

“Nice,” you respond curtly and expressionlessly, turning to look straight ahead instead of at his beaming eyes. He suddenly stops you in the hallway, whirling you around by the shoulders, watching you sternly.

“You’re allowed to come, you know,” he remarks, “to the celebration, this evening.”

You pause, “I am?”

“Course you are. You’ve been training hard.” He wipes a finger across your sweaty forehead, but then quickly shakes it off with a disgusted look on his face, “you’re part of the team now, duckie.”

“So you haven’t heard anything from Jimin?”

He looks hesitant to answer, but the hope emanated from your eyes encourages him otherwise, “not yet, duckie. We’ve sent word, but there’s been no response.” 

Your heart sinks through your chest as you realise he isn’t coming. He doesn’t care. He broke up with you a moments too soon and now you’re stuck here for the rest of your life.

“Right.” You turn your gaze to the floor, manoeuvring your foot carelessly across the stone flooring.

“Well, you can have a drink later, and you’ll remember how great a place this is to be living.” The two of you begin meandering down the corridor again, “it’ll be good. It’s a good opportunity for you to talk to people; show them you aren’t just the ex-girlfriend of the enemy.”

Someone, you assume Taehyung but it’s difficult to tell, has left a plain black dress on your bed. It’s nothing fancy, it won’t be your best look nor will it show you off as anything special, but nevertheless it feels good to digress from your now usual attire of sports leggings and a plain block-coloured top. It’s the only thing you wear- everyday without fail.

As the evening comes around- you’ve now been granted a clock in your room which is a huge help to your routine now you’ve actually an idea what time of day it is- you slip into the little black number, plain as a whiteboard but whatever, it feels good to wear something that doesn’t drown out your figure. You’ve no makeup, you imagine there probably isn’t much around in an institute full of men that sweat all day anyway, so you settle for simply leaving your hair down to somewhat ‘switch up’ your usual look, cascading down your back.

A knock at the door comes as a surprise to you, considering nine times out of ten anyone just walks in, uncaring of whether you’re fully clothed or not. You saunter over to the door, swinging it open to reveal Taehyung in some black jeans and a shirt- hardly different from his standard dress.

“Duckie,” he smiles, offering a hand, “I’m here to be your date.”

You raise your eyebrows and scoff, “I don’t recall you asking.”

“I invited you didn’t I?” He shrugs, “I escort you everywhere anyway.”

You step out into the hall, shutting the door closed behind you, “I’m aware.”

“Well, then. Let’s get you a drink.”

The training area’s lights have been dimmed and there’s music playing through the speakers Yoongi usually utilises only for announcements or to call someone to his office. The benches have been brought to the centre of the room and are ridden with platters of various dishes from all different cultures and countries. Your mouth salivates at the sight; all you’ve been living off is a sugar free, high protein diet which, to say the least, doesn’t consist of much.

Yourself and Taehyung move towards the benches where the men have already become drunk and rowdy, devouring torn off gobbets of chicken and turkey and pork and any other meat they could get their hands on. It resembles a primitive time of savagery which makes you nervous, so you’re thankful Taehyung immediately passes you a glass of some orangey-brown liquid which you glance at apprehensively.

“Bottoms up, duckie,” Taehyung brings his glass to clink with yours, “cheers.”

You nod back in response, before throwing the liquid back down your throat, nearly gagging as it’s been so long since you last drank any alcohol. You have to pause to take a breath as the glass leaves your lips, scrunching up your nose slightly before passing the cup back to Tae at your side.

“What is that?” You choke.

“Something strong,” he shrugs with a laugh, “most of the men are heavyweights, so we ordered in the strongest stuff we could get our hands on.”

Unlucky for you, you’re a renowned lightweight and even the sight of such a liquor makes you a little tipsy so within minutes you’re feeling its kick, when Taehyung passes you another. He grins at you, clinking your glasses again as you slosh them back, this one just a little easier than the one before.  The room begins to get a little hazy now, under the dimmed lights and roars of men you begin to become a little disoriented. Some fresh air would be ideal round about now.

After half an hour sat on a bench by yourself at the edge of the room you’re drunk and bored, picking at the plate of leftovers in your lap, looking rather pitiful. There are women here now, whether they actually live here too or have just visited for the night you’re unsure, but the air is becoming uncomfortably thick as their arses are groped as they walk from table to table and they’re constantly catcalled and denominated vulgar names. If you were in that position, particularly with this unnamed alcohol you’ve been sipping on now since you got in here, they’d have gotten a smack and names thrown right back at them.

You watch as a woman is swung onto a man’s lap, and she looks fleetingly uneasy, before concealing it with a forced smile. You’ve seen a similar scene play out at a club before, and it ignites an adrenaline to pump through you like air and you have to start glugging down the liquid in your glass to refrain from intervening.

“Woah, slow down.” You glance up to see a face you don’t entirely want to see right now.

You wipe your mouth with the back of the your hand, “what do you want?” Your voice is deepened as you attempt to keep the liquor down, burning all the way from the front of your mouth to the back of your throat.

“You’re going too hard too fast. It’s still early.” Yoongi takes a seat next to you, watching the woman on the man’s lap now also.

“Did you invite them here?” Your question is vague, but he still understands.

“They work in the kitchens, or cleaning or doing laundry.”

“Aren’t there men for that?”

“I’m not a misogynist, you know.” He turns, glowering at you slightly, “they wanted those jobs. They could’ve done training like you, or worked in the kitchen and they chose to be domestic.”

“I didn’t exactly get a choice,” you grumble, picking at another chicken skewer on your plate.

“Do you want to quit your training and become a cleaner instead?”

“No.” You manoeuvre your body away from him, sulking. The alcohol has clearly slithered its way into your brain now.

“Didn’t think so,” he chuckles, “I wanted to ask-“

“I need some fresh air. I want to go outside.”  Your topic change is sudden and interrupts his words, but you don’t really care at this point, you think you’ve earned the right to be selfish for a bit.

“You do know this is an underground base,” Yoongi taunts, “there isn’t exactly an outdoor smoking area.”

“There must be some way outdoors. I need to breathe,” you whine, dramatically.

Yoongi looks at you, bringing out his tongue to run over his lower lip in contemplation as you admire his features. He is handsome, truly. His pale skin and white blonde hair make him look innocent and angelic.  Ironically, he is practically the furthest thing from that. Under the dimmed lights, you can still see the purple bags grazing beneath his eyes, clearly mimicking the stress he’s under, although he’d never reveal to you what is happening in his life. You wonder, and think he doesn’t really have anyone. No family that you’re aware of, no actual friends other than the people that work for him, and no girlfriend or wife. There must be a lot of weight on his shoulders, and to bear it alone must be an almighty challenge.

“We can go up top for ten minutes, then back down. And only if you promise to slow down.” Something resembling a smile tries to force through your demeanour, and if you were less drunk you would probably suppress it, but you’re instead leaning in to press your face into his shoulder with an embarrassing squeak of excitement to finally breathe some fresh air.

“We’ll go in an hour or so, I’ll need to find someone sober enough to keep an eye on the men while we’re gone for a little bit.” He shuffles away from you awkwardly, but you don’t really care and instead busy yourself with your food, obtaining another drink ignoring his request to ‘slow down’. If you’re gonna make it through another hour here, you’re gonna need something to take your mind off of it.

The time passes about as fast as paint dries, and the boredom alongside it is of analogous quantity also. You’re now practically laying across the wooden plank forming the seat of the bench, your knees bent and head nearly dangling off the end as you look up to the top of the cavern, imagining your childhood when you’d go cave exploring with your parents. Just those guided tours, you know, but they were still a lot of fun, and you loved to admire the stalactites looming over what seemed like a never-ending abyss as you would peer down over the barriers into the darkness.  You miss your parents. Yoongi informed you a while back that he’d contacted them posing as you, that you’d gone away on a trip to China and wasn’t sure when you’d be back. Then, if you do end up staying here, they’ll tell them you got into an accident, and with that you’d lose your identity and any chance of returning to your former life. They must be so worried, so scared for you. They didn’t like the idea of you moving to Seoul to a safe apartment and failsafe job, let alone travelling around China where you know absolutely nobody with no guarantee of security.

When Yoongi returns, you can barely even classify yourself as functioning, mumbling incoherent sentences to yourself about your parents and the caves, before his face blocks your view of the ceiling and you’re instead made to look directly into his glaring eyes, piercing through your drunken glaze.

“I thought I told you to slow down,” he scolds, a frown prominent on his forehead creasing the smooth skin.

“I thought I told you to,” you suck in your breath, searching for some witty comeback that you can’t really find throughout the haze, “fuck off.”

“Didn’t picture you as the aggressive drunk.”

“Yeah, well,” you pause, shrugging, “shouldn’t picture me at all then.”

He gives you a confused look, half enjoying your current state, half dismissing your stupid, nonsensical argument, “let’s go then.”

You try to remember the route he takes you out, but you know by the morning any memory of tonight will cease to live. You’ve always been that way, deeming the notion a coping mechanism with all the stupid things you do while pissed; if you remembered all of them you don’t know how you’d go on living with your pitiful self.

After climbing up staircase after staircase and eventually a ladder, the breeze hits you. It’s cold, but god it’s nice. It wraps around you and makes you wonder how the hell you’ve been living down there without so much as a breath of the crisp outdoor air. It makes you appreciate it more.

The night is pitch black and there’s not so much as a lamplight to guide your way through the labyrinth of forest you’re now walking through, completely submissive to Yoongi’s lead, guiding you somewhere that could be his slaughterhouse for all you know. You’re too busy, however, admiring the way the moon glows a warm white and illuminates the endless grasslands blanketing concealing your new home at Manes, glazing your vision and blurring any fear lingering in your mind, although the alcohol pumping through your system also plays a part in that.

“Here.” Yoongi offers a hand to you, hoisting you up the small hill and settling himself on the ground, watching over the different enclosures of land. You mimic his actions, stumbling before placing yourself beside him to squint your eyes over the area, trying to get a better look despite the blackness of the night.

“Why do you live next to a farm?” You can see something resembling a cow in one of the enclosures, some sheep in another, a small set of stables to the left.

“We like to prepare our own food supply. It’s dangerous to be shopping publicly, and this way we can monitor how much we’re eating better,” he explains, bringing out a small pack of cigarettes from his pocket.

“You smoke?” You question, watching him snap his thumb over his lighter, igniting a small flame that he brings to the end of his cigarette, situated between his lips.

“Only on occasion. When I get the chance to.” He takes in a breath, exhaling a puff of smoke that you quickly turn to face away from.

You hate smoking. It was the main attribute to your uncle’s lung cancer which killed him a couple of years back. You can’t understand how people carry on damaging themselves full well knowing that it could kill them.

“You know you could die,” you state, matter-of-factly, frowning childishly.

Yoongi laughs at this, loudly, the first time you’ve ever heard him laugh like that, “you’re not so drunk as not to remember what I do for a profession, right? I could die at any second.”

He seems rather amused by his little joke, but you on the other hand feel slightly nauseous, “how the fuck did you even get into something like this? Surely your parents wouldn’t have wanted their son to be involved in such a clusterfuck.” Your words seem to aggravate him as he clenches his jaw and grinds his teeth, slowly taking in another puff of smoke.

“My father was helping me to become a businessman. Was gonna help me get a head start in the advertising industry- or, at least, that’s what I thought he was doing. He was actually preparing me for my inheritance when they died. And when they did, I had Taehyung at my door, handing me all these fuckin’ documents telling me I’m some kind of drug lord now,” he chuckles, humourlessly, “I can’t say I wanted to get involved in this lifestyle, but I wasn’t gonna be the one to terminate my family’s legacy. So what if it includes some shitty shop or a damn hairdressers, nobody wants to be the one to end it.”

A silence ensues, capturing the both of you and holding you in place, mulling over Yoongi’s words. For the first time since meeting him, you actually feel as though you’ve got an insight into his mind, his life. Your mind begins so sober up as you desperately try to cling onto his revelation, to try and understand him better when you aren’t entirely fucked on whatever you’ve been drinking.

“Didn’t you want to do something else with your life? Travel? Have a family?” You look at him curiously, watching the way he rolls his cigarette over his lips enticingly.

“I never had the chance to think about it. I was conditioned for this job. My parents wanted it that way so I did it for them,” he pushes his tongue into the side of his cheek, sighing, “I guess I could leave now. I could get away from this, move to another continent and start again.”

“Then why don’t you?” You press, rolling your now bare feet over the grass, skimming the ends on the underpart of your foot.

He sighs, “I don’t know. Familiarity, I guess. I don’t know much else.” He taps the end of his cigarette before taking one final puff, then throwing it into the distance as he lets out a final grey cloud into the atmosphere.

“But you were training to be a businessman?”

“I am a sort of businessman.”

“A businessman of debauchery.”

He laughs, genuinely laughs. He turns to look at you, a glint in his eye resembling something you can’t decipher underneath the dim light of the moon, grazing over his skin to irradiate only the upper parts of his face, but makes him look like some kind of supernatural beauty, as if he were not of this world.

“Besides,” he looks back out onto the plains, “if I had left, then I would’ve never met you.”

The way back is blurry as hell; the light of the moon is engulfed in clouds of smog that have been blown over from the city, now polluting the country sky with complete darkness. You grapple onto the back of Yoongi’s jacket, scrunching up your face as you attempt to see further ahead, although with no luck as you end up tripping over and over again, each time ending with Yoongi hoisting you back up from the ground and muttering profanities about how taking you outside was a mistake.

When you reach the faux basement door of the crooked house concealing the Enterprise, Yoongi swings it open and the music can be heard playing quietly far away through the stone walls forming the foundations of the underground tunnels. You both clamber in, very ungracefully, jumping down into the artificial light as the wooden planks slam shut behind you.

You look at Yoongi, observing his expression carefully, “I think I need to sleep.” You announce, gulping back a hiccup as his lips twitch disobediently.

“I think you need to too,” he nods.

You reciprocate the action, turning to face one way, then another, then realising you have no fucking clue where you are in this place.

“Right,” you exhale, “right, you need to invest in a map, or like signs.” You raise your eyebrows up at him, watching you amusedly.

“I need to turn down the music first,” he remarks, “head towards the sound of the music and I’ll find you in the training area.”

You pout, frowning, before nodding your head and slowly turning on the balls of your feet as he eyes you entertained, also going a separate way towards his office.

Left, no right. No, now it’s quieter. Left again. Right? Your thoughts are jumbled and inconsistent as each corridor looks exactly the same. It’s near impossible to navigate through each stone tunnel with the same lights, same flooring, same empty walls. You aren’t too sure how anyone manages to find their way through such a complex network of endless halls.

When you hear the stumbling of feet behind you, you’re thankful. But when you turn to be greeted by Jungkook’s face, holding his bandaged hand to his chest after clearly hitting it on the wall, you freeze. He spots you immediately, running his tongue over his lower lip before taking it between his teeth, stalking over to you with an unnerving smirk playing on his lips.

“Hey Y/N,” he purrs, coming close enough you can smell something like whiskey on his lips, intoxicating him to the core. You take a step back, silently.

“You know, I’ve been having a lot of trouble since you did this-,” he waves his cloth-covered hand to you, “-to me.” He makes another move towards you, and this time you’ve nowhere to retreat to as your back hits the wall and your head dizzies beneath his aching glare.

“See, this hand here is my-,” he pauses, looking for the right word, “my helping hand. My hand that helps me each night, to destress, to get a little… release.” He leans in, close enough that you can feel his breath wafting over your skin like nails grating across your flesh.

“And now I feel very stressed, as you can imagine. Without my helping hand to give me a little assistance.” You feel his free hand traipsing down your waist where your arm is lax and your hand completely numb to his touch. He wraps his digits around yours, slowly pulling them to his crotch area as your breath hitches in your throat, your stomach dropping.

“So I think it’s only fair,” he chokes in a breath as your hand skims over the fabric of his jeans, “that you help alleviate my pain, after all, you’re the one causing it.” His pitch raises at the end of his sentence as he presses your palm flat against his groin. You squeeze your eyes shut, holding back a sob of fear as he massages your hand against his member, revelling in the pleasure your non-consensual touch provides him amongst his intoxication. You can feel his erection pulsating even through the material, clearly eager to be released from its cage, now tenting in his jeans slightly.

“Yes,” he whispers, “fuck, let’s go. Let’s go back to your room. Fuck, now.” His murmuring is vulgar and sickens you as a quiet tear falls from your closed eyelid, reluctantly shuffling your feet behind him as you try to pull your hand from his grip.

Just as you turn the next corner, however, the sound of footsteps crashing against the ground stops Jungkook, looking back only to be greeted by a solid punch across his face, knocking him to the ground instantaneously and knocking you back into the wall. Your head hits the stone, and you’re immediately turned spilling the contents of your stomach as you hold yourself up, gripping onto the wall as your fingers curl in pain.

You can hear a commotion behind you, but you’re too distracted with the emptying of your stomach, your head dizzy as you attempt to lift yourself up. You can feel your knees trying to give in, to fall to the floor, but you fight the urge and instead try to push back, when you feel a hand steadying you at the waist.

“Duckie?” Taehyung’s voice is loud, too loud. You lean forwards again, throwing up on your feet now, your body completely giving up as it becomes loose and falls against the body behind you.

“Fucking prick she’s being sick- don’t yell at her she might have a concussion. Fuck.” Yoongi sounds hostile and intimidating, snarling at Taehyung who’s now trying to pull you back when you’re snatched from his arms and picked up off the ground by another set.

“I’ll take her to her room- you clear this mess up.” The body carrying you turns, “and you- I’ll deal with you later.”

You are unable to even open your eyes for a minute, your head throbbing as you’re rocked with each step and lurching at every corner. You don’t know how long you’ve walked when you reach your room, but you’re thankful for the dimmer lights and the bed you’re gently placed on, the mattress soft and comforting as you lull your head back onto the pillow.

“You need to keep your head up.” You manage to flicker an eye open, seeing Yoongi with an incomprehensible expression manoeuvring the cushion under your head so you’re sat up more, looking back at him perched on the edge of the mattress with his arms fiddling over your shoulders, his chest close to your face.

You groan, try to speak, but nothing happens.

“Don’t speak, it’s okay,” he soothes, uncharacteristically.

Then, you begin to cry, quietly and relentlessly.

Masterlist / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter 

#twisted #bts reactions #bts imagines #bts suga #bts mafia au #bts angst #bts fluff #yoongi smut #admin lottie

[onceuponadetectivedemigod]

Somebody To Love

Part 5

Pairing: Female Reader x Ben hardy Warnings: language, explicit references to sex but no actual smut, alcohol Summary: Roger Taylor’s daughter (you) has just gone through a horrid breakup after finding her boyfriend in bed with another girl. When she gets a job as an assistant on set, whether ready or not, she falls for Ben. Chapter summary: After dinner the cast and you head back to Lucy's trailer. Joe decides to make everyone play 20 questions in order to set you and Ben up together. Word Count: 2,166 An: If you’re looking for a long to listen to obviously somebody to love but also  I HAVE A WHOLE DAMN PLAYLIST FOR BEN HARDY to which you can find here: Ben’s Playlist New songs are added regularly! (Also I made one for Lucy and Tigerlily Taylor and all my other Celeb crushes so just HMU if you want any of those. I highly suggest James McAvoy [thats my favorite playlist tbh] but also new songs are added to those regularly as well). Also Thanks to @di-in-al for your help on this! Love you!

gif by: @benshardy

The night dragged on. Everyone had so many questions for your fether and Brian. Lucy and Rami looked as if they were going to snog, all night. You and Ben, however, both were quite quiet. As dinner finished you all got into the appropriate cars and were headed back to set to drop you and the cast off.

Joe cleared his throat. "So, I think you owe Lucy 3 pounds." "The night is not over yet, Joe. She has until midnight. It is only 6:30." Lucy winked at you. "Besides I was going to invite everyone to my trailer so we can all get to know eachother a little bit more." "That sounds very Cinderella-esque." Joe said. "Then call me her fairy godmother, Joe." Lucy smiled back him. "What about you, Lucy? Get anywhere with Rami?" Sarina asked, causing Lucy to blush. “Um. Yeah. No. I don't really know. I don't think he is interested." She said, turning more red by the second. "Darling, he is QUITE interested." Sarina said. "Just because you can't see it dear, does not mean we cant either. Y/N? Anything on Ben at all?" "Nope. In fact, he probably said 15 words total to me all night." you said, disappointment flooding through your voice. "I am sorry, dear. But, you did say that you didn't want a relationship right now." Sarina spoke softly to you. She may have wanted you out of the house but she did love and care for you. "I don't. But... I don't know. There is something about it. I have this feeling, like... Maybe I meant to just be with him, even if it's in the friend way. Like I know he is going to be important in my life, if that makes sense." You said. "That is exactly how I felt about your father. I mean yeah, I was super excited when I got to meet one of my biggest celebrity crushes, but when I actually talked to him, I knew he was going to be much more to me than that." She smiled through the rearview mirror. "Personally, NOT THAT I COULD ACTUALLY TELL CAUSE YOU KNOW I WAS AT THE OTHER END OF THE TABLE, having a wonderful conversation with Anita actually," Joe started. "I think he just looked nervous." "You will get your chance, darling." Anita said. Both cars pulled onto set and everyone stepped out. Sarina hugged you and whispered 'good luck' in your ear. The boys headed back to their trailer to get in comfier clothes. Brian, Anita, Sarina, and your father headed home. You and Lucy walked back to her trailer. She let you borrow some sweats and a t-shirt. Then you heard a knock. You opened the door and the 4 boys were standing there. You ushered them in. "Lucy is still getting dressed in comfier clothes. She will be out in a second. You boys need anything?" you asked. They said no as they sat down on Lucy's couch. "So....anyone up for twenty questions?" Joe asked, throwing you a look. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ben's POV (first person) "So here is how the game will work since we have multiple people. We will split upon pairs. I am going to go with Ben first, Gwyl go with Rami, and Lucy and Y/N. And then we will switch off." Joe said. I'm not really one for Twenty Questions but I guess its a good bonding exercise for the lot of us. Lucy had come back into the room before Joe assigned us to our person. "Okay Im gonna be here on the couch, Gwylim is gonna be over by the bathroom. Lucy gets the doorway into the bedroom and then we will choose where to go from there." Joe continued. "Now go my little darlings." I was already seated next to Joe. "So what are doing exactly?" I asked him. "Is that your first question?" He asked me. "Yes. Is that yours?" I said raising my eyebrow. "Yes. So are you going to ask her out?" "Who?" He mean't Y/N, he must have picked up on my nerves from dinner. I was so scared to talk to her all night. I figured I would try to hide that I knew he knew. "Y/N. Are you going to use the game?" "Are you insinuating I like her?" "I don't know am I?" He raised his eyebrow and winked at me. "Yes, you are. Do you really think I like her?" My heart started beating faster and faster. "Yes. Did you really just ask me that?" "Am I that obvious?" I started to get a bit nervous knowing that everyone knew I was starting to crush on her. "To me yes. To her, she thinks you don't like her. Did you guys talk about it in the car?" "Yes. I asked Roger if I could ask her out. Did you guys talk about it too?" Maybe she liked me back. "Yes. So are you going to ask her out?" "I don't know. What did she say?" "Can't tell you. If she likes you then you get a girlfriend if not you get experience on rejection. Are you scared?" "FUCK YES." I said that a little too loud. Gwyl and Rami turned and looked at me. "Uh. Will you tell me if it was good or bad?" "No. Are you that scared, bro?" "Mate, I'm terrified. Will you tell me anything you talked about in the car?" "Sure. Are you going to ask me right?" "What was said in that car?" "Well, Sarina knew Roger was important to her as soon as she met him." Joe smiled knowing full well he was hurting me by not telling me what Y/N had to say. "Okay! And... What else Joe?" He came quite close and whispered in my ear. "Lucy likes Rami. Was anything mentioned on your side?” “He totally likes her.” I whispered back. “This is all cute but I’m worried about Y/N. Will you PLEASE tell me?" I said, hoping the please would help my case. "No. Are you that worried?" "The more we talk about it, yes.  Umm Do you think she sat next to me on purpose?" "Yes. Also she was trying to keep me from you and Gwylim. What did Roger say about it?" "He said he didn't have a problem but that the last guy was a jerk and she may not be ready for a relationship. Does anyone else in the car know I like her?" "The whole car does. Does anyone else know Rami likes Lucy?" "All of us. What about your car?" We kept glancing at Rami, I think he was picking up on our conversation. "Everyone. Women are pretty good on picking up on that kind of stuff. What number are we at?" "I think this is 17. Sound right?" "About yeah. So are you going to do it?" "Do what?" "Ask her out. Are you going to ask her out?" "Yes. Do you think Rami will ask Lucy?" "Doubt it. Are you going to do it tonight?" "Yes!" I said, my heart filling with temporary courage. "This is the last one right?" "Yes. What's your Dog's name again?" "Frankie." The thought of my little girl made me happy. I love my dog so much, she was less my dog and more my daughter. "Is everyone ready to move on?" Joe asked as everyone shouted yes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Y/N's POV (first person) Me and Lucy actually took Twenty questions seriously. There were a lot of questions on what alcohol we preferred. I had played with Gwylim and Rami. I only needed Joe and Ben at this point. Ben was playing with Gwylim now. "What did you a Ben talk about?" I asked straight off the bat. "Not telling you. You and Lucy?" "Alcohol. Why wont you tell me?" "Took a vow of silence. Just alcohol?" "No, but it was pretty generic stuff. Did you ask him about me?" "Yes. Why are you so curious?" "That bet. What number are we on?" "Four. How have you already lost count." "Dont know. So this is five?" "Yes. Why do you care so much about the bet if it's only 2.97 pounds?" "Because if I don't do it, I'm kind of a coward for not following through.  See what I mean?" I asked him. "Yeah... So are you going to ask him out during your round?" "I don't know, I only have until midnight right?" "Yes. What time is it now?" "11:30. Ugh why is it so hard to ask someone out?" I was getting frustrated. I only have 30 minutes left. "It is only hard if you like them. Do you think he likes you too?" "I don't know. When did you become so wise?" "Jurrassic Park days. Are you scared?" "Hell yes. Does he like me back?" "Not telling you. If he does, you get a boyfriend, if not you get experience with rejection. Is that what you are afraid of?" "I literally caught my boyfriend in bed with another woman. Of course I'm scared of rejection. Why would you ask that?" "Good point. It looks like everyone but us somehow finished. Want to cut it early at 12 and say we did all twenty?" "Yes! I hate this game! Don't you?" "I set this up for you kid. See you on the other side. SWITCH!!!" Joe yelled. This meant I was about to ask Ben out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Third person POV) "So umm... favorite color?" Ben asked. "Blue. Why wouldn't you talk to me during dinner?" Y/N asked almost immediately. "Wow. That was unexpected. Um, I was being pestered by all the boys in the car. Was kind of pissed off. Did your dad teach you to play drums?" "So that's why. No he never did. Why were they pestering you?" Y/N pushed. "I made my dog an instagram. Did he teach you any other instruments?" "No. That's cute. I want to follow your dog." Ben's heart fluttered when Y/N called him cute. "Whats the username?" "Here it's kind of long, let me type it up for you." He typed the username into instagram and clicked follow for you. "Good?" "yeah. She is really cute. So Gwylim called you Benjamin, is that your real name?" "Nope. Actually it's just Ben. Did you hear Rami likes Lucy?" "I did. I also know the feeling is mutual. Did you?" "Joe told me. So are you staying the night here?" "Yup." You had run out of questions to ask him. You knew you had to ask him soon. You were so nervous though. You were so scared he woudk reject you. But you were more terrified of not getting an answer. You had to ask him, and if you didn't ask him now, you probably never would. You were trying to come up with a question to stall maybe a little bit longer until you decided you were just going to do it. You had sat there for a good 25 seconds before you decided, YOU WERE GOING DO ASK HIM NOW. But the same thing was running through Ben's head. Why were you taking so long to ask a question? 'Here is my shot. I should do it now.' "DO YOU WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME?!" You both shouted in unison. You both sat there shocked for a second. "You... I thought... I was..." "Yeah... Uhh... I..." Then you both started laughing. "Well it's nice to know I wouldn't have gotten rejected." Ben said, scratching his neck. "haha yeah. Umm I don't really want to rush into anything, though. You know?" Y/N said "Yeah. No. I totally understand that. I didn't plan on rushing into anything." "This is all quite funny and all cause you know... Last night we did it." "WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT?! WE DID NOT-" Ben started but you cut him off. "wait we didn't?!" "NO. NO. I WOULD NEVER-" "OHHHHHHHH. It's just everyone made it seem like... And I don't really remember... No one clearly stated..." Y/N struggled to get it all out, Realizing how stupid you felt. But hey at least that means you will get to remember your first time, especially if it is with him. "I DID. Next to your dad." "You didn't look to sure." "That is the exact same thing your dad said." He said plainly. Suddenly Lucy stormed in. "It is 11:48. Keep your 2.97." She smiled at you and walked straight back out. "What was that?" Ben asked. "She dared me, for 2.97, to ask you out because she knew I liked you you, and she had a feeling that you thought the same." you explained. "Wait? WHAT?! AM I ONLY WORTH 2.97 TO YOU? DO YOU EVEN ACTUALLY LIKE ME? WOW A FUCKING DARE?! Nice to fucking know." With that he stormed out, leaving you in utter shock. Taglist:

@mcuandhp @mrsmazzello @murydedeus03 @inlovewithmycarboi @fuckinghurricanesoul @apinkwhisperscollector @bloodyantichrist @unicorngummybears @mr-stank-i-dont-feel-so-dank @cosmiclunas @brianapasteur @lelifesaver @bitemerog @sevenseasofrog @jelly-snow-stark @hopefully-aesthetically-pleasing @im-a-mazzellhoe @lady-renlyn @justonks @imagesofeveryone

#ben hardy x reader #ben hardy fanfic #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy #ben hardy x you #roger taylor #Brian May #John Deacon #freddie mercury #Queen #bohemian rhapsody #bohemian rapsody movie #BoRhap #gwylim lee #joe mazzello #rami malek #Lucy Boynton

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / talk about menstruation and iud / venting / but i just wanna get this out, and maybe someone else is in the same boat as me because ive never been able to find any accounts of similar experiences ... I wanna preface this by saying im 26 and have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic pain, which is probably related but i dont know how. I normally have super heavy periods and debilitating cramps, along with discomfort during penetration (or similar activities) on some occasions. Ive tried a couple different birth control options over the years and each one has given me constant cramping. Its weird because the cramping on the pill (2 or 3 different kinds of BC pills in different times of my life) and depoprovera shot were the same in that i would get terrible cramps whenever i did any kind of activity but especially when i stand up from a sitting position. I remember being in college and standing up and having to immediately sit back down hunched over until it passed. I got the depo shot a few months ago and it was the worst thing ever. I had severe cramping with all kinds of movement (and havent been able to even touch myself without setting off the cramps) and after a month of it i started bleeding for a month straight until a doctor gave me estrogen pills on top of it to stop the bleeding. The pills stopped the bleeding but not the cramps, so the plan was for me to wait it out and try an iud next since the medicine would be administered locally instead of by pill or shot through my whole body.... three months during the depo shot i could not exercise or do any physical activity, which of course is making my fibromyalgia and mood worse. I feel like ive lost a whole year to the depo shot, on top of other health problems that have been acting up before the depo. It sucked and im not trying it again. I had about 2 weeks until the mirena iud insertion where i was taking the estrogen pills and still cramping (along with getting a full heavy and bad cramping period during the vitamin-pill week while i waited for the prescription to come in. The cramping was so bad i almost wanted to go to the emergency room, but it lessened by the next day even if i was still going through so many pads.) Before the iud insertion i took a pill the night before which the doctor said could help loosen up my organ to allow for easier insertion since ive never had a kid. I knew i could expect a lot of pain given how sensitive i know i am, but the few people ive heard get them said it was only really painful during and they were fine after, so i figure i could be strong and deal with it if its going to help stop my monthly cramping and bleeding. Turns out the insertion was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life. Normally having a speculum put in already puts me in considerable pain (a speculum feels like a shard of glass shoved in me) but it pales in comparison to getting the iud. I was crying out and struggling to stay still during the proceedure but once it was over i hoped it would start to feel better. It burned with pain and still does days later. I didnt realise i would get severe cramping immediately after the insertion, but i could barely stand up. The doctors had to let me stay in the room for like a half hour before i could limp back to the car. Im lucky i had my mom to drive me home because i could still barely breathe it hurt so badly. I took tylenol about a half hour before the proceedure but i dont think it did anything. I couldnt take advil because of other medicines im taking. So the only other thing i could do is lay there screaming in pain with the heating pad pressed on me. A few hours later my mom had to call an on-call doctor from the same hospital and he said to go to the er so we went. The rest of the night is kind of blurry i was in so much pain and could barely think. The er gave me a painkiller and later a muscle relaxant before telling me i have to stop my other meds so i can take advil. I was there for like 6 hours i think, feeling waves of terrible cramps that feel like a knife is slicing the inside of me - the same feeling as the iud insertion. I feel bad for everyone who had to hear me screaming every 10 minutes and my mom who had to stay with me. The doctors kicked me out immediately after giving me advil and i went home barely able to even walk or move. It took me another 2 hours to manage to fall asleep even though i was so exhausted and had the worst chest and body pain from being so tense at experiencing the worst pain of my life. Nornally, if unmedicated, ill get periods so bad im screaming in pain, but it will only last 1-2 hours until the advil or tylenol kicks in and dulls it down to a bearable ache, so this iud was supposed to be my fall back on options to eliminate cramps. (I really wish the doctor would just let me get a hysterectomy i dont ever want kids and this whole situation is giving me severe gender dysphoria) Yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping off my traumatic er experience and today im still getting really horrible waves of cramping and nausea. Thankfully im not bleeding (...yet?) But it still feels like having a tampon being yanked out of me that wont come out. The knife feeling isnt there so im not screaming, but the cramps are still so bad and i dont know if i need to take it out. The er doctor said to take it out if the advil doesnt help, and that this is most likely anxiety making the pain get out of control. The er nurse said this is normal. Like??? How the fuck to people deal with this im scared about taking it out because thats probably going to hurt even more. I forgot to ask my prescribing doctor if theres a risk for toxic shock or something but like i dont have a fever its just so painful feeling it there. The placement is "right" according to the ultrasounds but it hurts so much and is still giving me cramps I really dont know how anyone could deal with this the whole thing is so upsetting i want it out but i dont want to deal with the proceedure to get it out and that same severe cramping i dont think theyll allow it to be a surgical removal but i wont be able to sit there and deal with it again!!!! Just thinking about all of it is giving me more anxiety too, i have such dysphoria about my internal organs and such a terrible phobia about even having them!!! This amount of cramping should not fucking be "normal" i hate being invalidated at the er like that God i just dont know what to do the cramping is so bad and im still scared of getting an ulcer from the advil. Thats another thing. A year ago i got an ulcer from taking advil because of period cramps, so ive been suffering taking tylenol! Thats why i want a BC that works to get rid of cramps and bleeding!! Now here i am with the worst cramps and bloating of my life!! How am i expected to function like this!!! I dont remember half of the past few days because ive been in so much pain!!! I can only hope this gets better because it feels worse today than it did yesterday, even if its not as bad as the day before when i had the insertion done. The doctor said if im still having the same kind of cramps ive been getting with the other types of birth control after a month i can look into other options (hopefully hysterectomy!!) But thats so far away and i havent been able to practise driving or apply to any jobs because i cant fucking do more than sit or lie down because of the god damn cramps Ive lost like all my personality and enjoyment of life and lost any one i could call a friend because this is consuming me and i cant fucking do anything i hate it i just want something to go right for once i want to be able to exercise again i love exercising and i havent been able to go for a walk without getting winded and severe cramping I cant even find other people that get cramping on birth control when standing up or doing activities so i dont know why this is happening to me ive looked everywhere i can and all i get is dysphoria because """"mensutruation is a womens health problem"""" and my phobia of pregnancy makes it impossible to browse forums I dont know what my point to all this is i just really need to vent because i feel so alone with this specific problem Life sucks and then you die i guess lmao

#delete later / / #maybe / / #mirena #mirena iud #iud #depo #depoprovera #birth control #menstruation #vent / / #pregnancy mention #negative / / #depression / / #tmi / / #long post

[storiesundercandlelight]

Loving Loki - Four

Two weeks. Two uneventful weeks had passed since David and I had our day out. The day where we had also said that we would start dating each other, yet here I am sat on may couch on a Saturday morning wondering why fate and timing had been so cruel to me. 

I was being selfish, I knew this yet I couldn’t help myself. So many thoughts were running through my head right now. The case was over. Detective Loki was on the news. Missing girls both found and alive. Even the father of the last girl to be found had been located after his mysterious disappearance. I wanted to be happy, I was, almost. David had been gone so much recently, the last two weeks were manic for him, not just because he solved the case but also because people seemed to blow up about this story, about the detective who had single handedly solved this brutally horrible case of the abduction of two girls.

My phone vibrated against the wood of the coffee table beside me, my eyes pulling away from the dull noise of the TV. It was David.

I know you’re mad, I’m sorry I haven’t had any time to see you. Can I come over later?

It was hard to be mad, I just couldn’t justify it. How could I be mad at someone who so patiently and passionately wanted to do his best to find the missing girl, who had risked his well being to bring her home? You just cant be mad at someone like that. But I cant deny this strange feeling inside. It had been almost three months since I moved here and the lonely feeling never fully went away. I almost cried when my friend Kate told me she was coming to visit me, I swear I couldn’t wait the three days it was going to take before she’s due to visit. 

I’m not mad David, how could I be? Of course you can come over x 

These little texts back and forth had been a constant part of my daily routine for the last two weeks. It was the only thing that fully reminded me that I was even in this relationship. This very new, very non-existent relationship. 

Ok, I’ll be there around 5:30pm? We could order some food and watch a movie?

I had to admit he knew how to do it. Somehow he knew after so little time that I preferred to stay home and snuggle up rather than dressing up and going out. Well…except from when Kate gets here then going out is a must, the girl seems to function best under florescent lights and above crowded dance floors. 

My eyes drifted to my laptop, still sat on the coffee table “Draft One” the only thing written on the screen. I tried, so so many times to get words out. God I wanted to write something. To pour my emotions out and create something that others would be still glued to at 1:00am in the morning because they simply can’t put it down without knowing the ending. I don’t know what it was but the sudden urge to leave the house was so heavy on my shoulders that I didn’t hesitate with my next text.

Skip takeout, I need milk, I’ll grab something to make for dinner x

I was pretty comfortable cooking for myself, it had been a while since I’d cooked for anyone else but the idea of trying something new with David was so exciting.

Sure sounds great x

I allowed myself a few seconds to smile at the fact that he put an x at the end of the text, its such a petty thing to notice but I did anyway. Then I jumped up, grabbed my coat, keys and bag and headed out. 

The little car I’d got myself was useful enough, it wasn’t fancy or particularly expensive but it worked for me and didn’t look like a crumpled up tin can so I think I did okay. The parking lot to the local supermarket was pretty full, I didn’t expect anything less for a Saturday. But I did take notice more than once of the kids cheerfully throwing their parents groceries to each other other the carts. One wrong move and that melon is going everywhere. 

I settled for teriyaki chicken, some rice and a few greens. I’d cooked it more than once and didn’t feel like a complete fool when it came to cooking it for someone else. As I walked down the isles grabbing what I need plus extra groceries for the week my phone started ringing. David?

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah I got a five minute break so I figured I’d call, whats that noise?”

“That would be two kids trying to decide which one of them can throw the vegetables in they mothers cart the furthest, I think they’re going for a world record”

“You’re joking right?”

“Nope, you cant make this stuff up, the floor attendant looks like he’s about to blow a fuse” I pushed myself up onto my tip toes to reach a bag of chips from the top shelf. 

“If it’s the Harris kid they’ll be strung up from the ceiling by the time you leave”

“You know too many people”

“It’s a small town, so what are you cooking tonight?”

“I cant tell you”

“Why not?”

“Because if I do then you’ll have too much time between now and when you’re due over to realise you hate what I’m cooking and make an excuse not to come” I finally reached the till where a teenager was chewing gum and scanning my items at a snails pace. 

“I promise I wont hate whatever you make”

“I’m gonna hold you to that when you taste it and realise that I’m an awful cook”

“Well you said awful first so maybe-“ I heard David reply to someone in the background, the till beeping and the struggle of holding the phone between my head and shoulder while packing preventing me from hearing fully what was said. “I gotta go, I’ll see you later?”

“Oh yeah, sure. See you later” The line went dead just as I’d finished paying. I grabbed my bags and said thanks to the girl who’s eyes were directly chained on the guy working the other till, she popped her gum and nodded at me without even taking her eyes off him. 

The rest of the day went by pretty uneventfully, I showered, cleaned the house quickly and ended up in the kitchen. Okay, if I start the dinner prep now I can leave the chicken to marinade in the fridge and then just pull it out to cook when Davids here. I was feeling a lot more optimistic about David coming over. Maybe this would finally be the start of our relationship, no more texting and “Im sorry I couldn’t make it” calls. 

I started to cut the chicken on a matt into small pieces, the rice boiling happily on the cooker beside me before hearing a knock at the door. David looked tired, but not as tired as he had been during the case, this tired was a normal kind of tired, not the kind that made him look like he was about to drop any second. As David took off his jacket I returned back to cooking, I could hear his footsteps approaching me and within a few seconds he was behind me, leaning close to me to look over my shoulder at the food. The chicken was now cooking in a pan, mixed with the veggies and sauce. 

“I wont lie I could probably eat both of our portions right now” I felt a shiver run down my spine when David spoke, he was close enough that I felt his breath against the back of my ear. His hands were resting gently on my hips. I loved how easy it was to be around David despite the not so normal start we’d had. The over the phone, mostly at work and occasionally in between all of the above schedule we had seemed at first like it would never have worked but I could honestly say I was glad we’d stuck it out. The warmth of him behind me as I cooked our meal felt so right I couldn’t find anything to complain about. 

“Why don’t you set the table? It’ll be ready soon” I turned my head to meet Davids gaze a soft smile tugging at the sides of my lips.

“Sure” Just as David turned to go about the job I’d set I quickly grabbed his arm. He stopped to look at me a questioning look falling over his features. I didn’t leave him waiting long before I reached up and planted a kiss on his cheek, teasingly close to his lips. As I pulled away I swore I could see the surprise on Davids face before he smiled and went to set the table. Yes I could get used to this feeling.

The food smelt and looked thankfully as good as it tasted, I poured two glasses of water while David was already happily digging into his food. 

“Do they forget to feed you?” 

“You have no idea” He spoke quickly before going back to his food.  I smiled looking at David, ti had been so long since I’d had the opportunity to just look at him. At the department he was so rushed recently and working out regularly left very little time to fully appreciate the seemingly perfect angles of his jaw or his blue eyes that turned a stormy grey when the lighting was right.

“You’re staring”

“Huh?” I quickly meet Davids gaze, realising that he’d stopped eating and was looking at me with a small smirk. “Sorry, it’s just…I kinda missed looking at you, I haven’t really had the opportunity” I felt heat rise to my cheeks and quickly looked down at my plate.

“I know, I feel the same. I was surprised you didn’t notice me staring the other day”

“You were?”

“Yeah, you were at your desk and had this pencil hanging out of your mouth and you looked like your computer had just asked you to single handedly solve its coding, you were just so in your own world, you didn’t even notice anyone else around you, you looked pretty” David held my gaze but I could see the slight embarrassment at his confession etching over his features, he put his fork down and sighed. “I know this hasn’t been great, this whole relationship thing between us. I wanted it to be better than this but I just couldn’t think of anything but the case, I don’t normally get so involved but those girls…they need someone like me to spend too much time looking for leads and not enough time on his new girlfriend, who was well within her rights to leave me, I wouldn’t have blamed you”

“I wouldn’t have left you David. I know how hard this had been, I saw the paperwork. I don’t blame you for not paying attention to me, I couldn’t, I like you for who you are and if that includes your dedication to your work then so be it” a smile spread across Davids face and I let one spread across mine too and for a moment we did just look like two fools in love.  

#detectiveloki #detective loki #detective loki x reader #jake gyllenhaal #jake gyllenhaal x reader #fanfiction

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

Persona 5 Problems: “Goro can’t escape Shido” doesn’t make sense

Might be a pt 1. But before I get into it, what I mean here is “Goro can’t escape Shido” doesn’t makes sense in the context of the characters interactions that we see nor the rules or the world we see in Persona 5.” 

I probably could title this as “Atlus doesn’t know how to utilize it’s Metaverse and everything around it is shit pt 1: In relation to Goro” but that’d be too long, and it gives you more insight on what’s in store. 8U

Also this isn’t to rag on Goro, but the failure of the writing with P5. I mean I hate Goro, partially for his writing partially for how I think he’s a jerk and not in a fun way (cause I do like characters who are jerks but he just doesn’t jive with me)....this for full transparency (esp if you are new). 8U That being said I wont’ tag it as Goro cause I’m not a jerk, I’ll tag it as anti I guess but...........yeah in retrospect after typing this I do kinda take a dump on his writing so anti tag it is. 0u0 

Now why arm I talking about this? Well a new chapter of P5MM came up and.....well this picture appeared:

Now I love Saito, the manga is pretty good, so this is nothing against Saito. My issue is.....I guess the over victimization of Goro esp when it 1) makes no sense and 2) is contradictory.

Now do I think an antagonist that is a victim doesn’t make sense? No. What doesn’t make sense is that P5 doesn’t bother to develop it. P5 throws out the bare minimum of hints all while making NO SENSE how that could work. So fans have to fill in the blanks, and that’s either making him more sympathetic or like me who’s either deciding to start master blasting holes everywhere or is ready to throw this suit case out all together.

I know a lot of fans, and adaptations (such as this) kinda lean towards making Goro more sympathetic. I DON’T BLAME THEM. Like I said, there’s a lot of holes to fill in. And one of them is his relationship with Shido, something VERY crucial to the plot and is.....glossed over with like a few min worth of dialogue. 

Anyway what am I getting at? The issue that annoys me a lot, and that was shown in this picture that hair-triggered me into wanting to write this, was the fact “Goro is being controlled by Shido/Goro has no power and Shido has his claws into him/Goro can’t escape Shido.” As seen in the pictured above, you see Goro has hands to his throat and Shido has an overwhelming presence. Goro is trapped by Shido. And a lot of people will agree with this. It’s understandable because the game half assidly will say things like “you know what happens to people who defy me!” and basically threatening Goro’s life. EXCEPT IT’S ALL BULLSHIT!

“Woah that’s a little extreme what do you mean?” I mean it, Goro is not being controlled by Shido. It’s annoying P5 even INSINUATES that possibility in its writing! It makes no sense for Goro to be the powerless one here, not with the game we were given. And it’s amazing this wasn’t caught in the writers room. This is how that scene should’ve gone down given what we know:

Shido: You know what happens to people who oppose me! Goro: Yeah motherfucker, you send me! What do you want me do? Kill myself? What are you a 14 year old troll on the internet? Do you want me to kill you for threatening me-you scrotum looking asshole? 

Just freaking think about it, Shido or his confidants want a breakdown? Send Goro. They want a shutdown or to possibly kill someone? Send Goro. What the fudge is Shido doing threatening the guy who does his dirty work? Is he gonna kill him himself? No. Shido is a gd moron.

“But what about the cleaner guy?” Great question! And here’s my answer! What about him? No seriously what could anyone but the PT or a god do to Goro? Nothing. 

“But how is that nothing?!” Easy, Goro can take him out, breakdown or shutdown, before he could hurt Goro. If Shido sic’d anyone on Goro, Goro could easily take down Shido, the cleaner, and anyone related to either who know they should take Goro down. All thanks to the Metaverse. And because of that “Goro is trapped by Shido because he’s threatening Goro with death” is such a BS excuse by the game. 

“But what about Shido’s knowledge of the Metaverse? Didn’t he say he could utilize it?” Yeah what about it? The game doesn’t showcase HIM using the Metaverse. He always sends Goro. Which is REALLY FREAKING WEIRD considering he still acts this way, knowing full well Goro is missing. Like how are you going to do it Shido???? 1) you need an app first and foremost, 2) you’ll need a Persona or else you’ll get rekt’d! YOUR LOGIC MAKES NO SENSE! And him knowing about how the Meteverse works is just bs plot device so that we can shoo away how he could believe Goro in the first place let’s be honest.

The only people who use the Metaverse that we don’t know how they got there was the SWAT team that busted the MC, and while not explained it’s possible Goro had something to do with it (either giving someone his phone, since multiple people can go in with just one phone). That’s the only thing that makes sense, since only app users (aka PT+Goro) can got to that world. Tho the cut content seem to indicate even the police don’t know:

And it seems that you only get the app if you have a Persona (minus Goro, MC, and Futaba), cause that’s what Yadly wants:

(btw Ryu’s first pic is pre awakening and the 2nd is post awakening, Futaba’s the only one to get her’s before her Persona with the exception of Goro/MC, but Yadly must’ve thought she was useful or some shit judging by his dialogue early on in the game XP)

But yeah, bringing this up because it’s relevant to know who can and who can’t use the Metaverse. Goro CAN. Shido/Shido’s confidants CANNOT. Goro has the advantage. Shido does not. Goro holds all the cards. Shido’s a gd moron.

As for how Goro could end Shido and his Confidants. If for some reason Goro doesn’t know some of Shido’s confidants JUST BY WORKING WITH THEM, then he can find out through Shido’s Palace. Shido’s Palace literally contains every single one of his CoOps in Cognition form. Which means he probably knows their name, and all Goro really needs is a name cause that’s the hard part. Once he interrogates all the Cognitions and Shadow Shido, he takes Shadow Shido out, go after the real CoOps’ shadow, interrogates them (plus cognitions if they have a palace), and work his way down the latter until know one is after him. He can also squat in the Metaverse if for some reason the heat is really on him, and what’s the worse that could happen? They get pulled in with him? Well that’s bad....FOR THEM! Cause Goro has more powers there, his Persona, he’s stronger and more durable. There’s really no losing here.

So again, one last time. “SHIDO’S THREATS ON GORO’S LIFE MAKES NO SENSE BECAUSE GORO HAS THE POWER TO END SHIDO NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!”

“Well what about his strangle on giving Goro affection?” Ok, ngl....been awhile....but I legit have NO RECOLLECTION of Goro or Shido showing any possible fatherly affection. I feel like I’ve seen more of the fans make this argument then the game. If the game did then it was just....such a throwaway line, and it’s a classic “P5 tell don’t show” move. Coupled with how contradictory the writing is with the way the story is built (like show literally above in how Goro’s life should not be threatened like AT ALL). P5 goes out of its way to show how much Goro HATES Shido and HE CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HIM GO DOWN! That doesn’t seem like someone hesitating cause he wants a hug from daddy. The only reason he waits so long was because he wanted him to be prime minister (or just close to election) and then bring him down from the highest pedestal. THAT’S IT. He has so much more backing that then “I really wanted a daddy figure that gave me pats on the head and told me I was a good boy.” If P5 WAS going for that then they did an even piss poor job than with the issue above. 

And listen, I’m NOT saying that’s not something that couldn’t have happened, I’m saying the writing makes it not really support it or have it make sense. (edit: after typing this I vaguely recalled Shido saying that all Shido had to do was tell Goro he was a good boy and he thought he had him wrapped around his finger-of course this could’ve just been a tumblr post I read that’s how much I remember Shido praising Goro XP, and lkfsd;lakvl;vs this is soooooo batshit all over the place, are you controlling him with fear of death or love???? cause neither are working here bro. Btw at the bottom I go into a route in which this COULD work, but it means dropping the whole fear of death bs argument I made at the very beginning, and even then it’s not Shido actually controlling Goro, it’s him thinking he does.)

And if anyone says “What about destroying his career and social-hood by revealing Goro is a bastard?” And give Goro the platform, the audiences’ full attention for him to be like “YEAH AND GUESS WHO MY DAD IS?! :D” Like, considering Shido figured out Goro was his son, it’d be even more stupid of him to think he could do that when it’d be social suicide for him. As for Goro? That was his plan all along, nothing to lose! Maybe it’s not as high of a fall that he wanted, but he’s still bringing him down!

Now despite this rant, I’m NOT saying Goro isn’t a victim. As a bastard/foster child in Japan, he is a victim for their horrible treatment towards that group. That can’t be argued and in all honesty if it was just that I’d be happy. What I don’t think he is a victim of is Shido, at least beyond the parental abandonment (he is a victim for his dad being horrible and not marrying his mother and stuff like that OBVIOUSLY), by Shido I mean the Conspiracy related stuff. Making it out so that Shido controlled Goro the whole time, that Goro had no agency, that Goro couldn’t oppose him. That’s what I hate. I hate how people make him such a woobie victim when....he very well probably wasn’t. When he made Goro kill, it’d make more sense for Goro to be scared of losing his connection to Shido (aka not being able to monitor him and continue his plan) than be scared Shido might kill him (I mean he had freaking superpowers what the fudge?). But if people looked at it like that then Goro would be more in the wrong no? Choosing to value his goals of revenge over other’s? Maybe he didn’t want to kill but he still CHOSE because his own goals meant more than someone else’s life. But noooooo that would hurt him being a victim right? We need to make it all Shido’s fault! Goro did nothing wrong! Right? So we made it seem like Shido could threaten Goro’s life, make it a kill or be killed situation, even when it made no sense. 

I think Goro could been good, could’ve been complex. A boy who was an abandon bastard son of a politician, mistreated and abused by society until teenhood, suddenly granted the power to get revenge on his father, and going to any lengths, even if it broke his own moral code, because he was that dedicated to bringing down someone? That’s interesting, it’s simple. But “ A boy who was an abandon bastard son of a politician, mistreated and abused by society until teenhood, suddenly granted the power to get revenge on his father, forced to go to any lengths because he ended up in a trap by said father he wants to take down, even if it MIGHT (cause Atlus be chickens and “ambiguous”) be against his own moral code but like he’s being forced by his dad so is it really his fault? That? Fudge that. That’s needlessly confusing, it’s bending itself all out of shape to try to purify this character....and I hate it. 

There’s also the weird contradiction on Shido’s end where it’s like “He’s super paranoid that he kills people, and he doesn’t trust Goro since he plans to kill him, but he trusts him enough for certain things that he doesn’t need to double check on himself even if it poses a threat to him like I dunno checking IF THE GD MC BODY IS DEAD?! >:(” 

I dunno, I just think Goro having the strongest conviction to take down Shido (even killing because he wants to take him down so badly for what he did), with Shido not knowing Goro is his son and actually trusting him (with maybe gaining suspicions later towards the end for plot drama) because he’s so confident he groomed Goro into being his perfect little follower, is just so much more interesting? Goro is still a victim, but he’s not the perfect or “bending the character out of shape” to be perfect victim. He was hurt horribly and chose to deal with it in an....unhealthy way. It also makes the two seem reasonable, Shido thinks he’s in control because he took this starry eyed follower under his wing not because he’s threatening him with violence. Even tho we know Shido isn’t in control, Goro just likes to think he’s in control. 

;tldr: I hate how people (and even Atlus/the game) try to twist Goro into being this perfect victim, all while saying “well he does do bad things but it’s because of Shido!” instead of letting Goro be accountable and have it make logical sense in the game (because the game is a hot garbage mess). 

So yeah this concludes a 5 am rant I started yesterday. 8U 

#persona 5 #p5 #anti-goro akechi #anti goro akechi #anti goro #anti-goro #this doesn't even cover the possibility that goro's real personality might be 100% shit bag and might be fine with killing #queue #q #random hyper focusing at 5 am woot 8U #persona problems #persona 5 problems #again this is more an issue with the illogical and inconsistent writing in P5

[bigthighsandstupidguys]

Hunger

A Greta Van Fleet Fic:  Momma Kiszka enlist the help of a young professional to keep her boys healthy on the next leg of their world tour. The recent college grad is excited, but has she bitten off more than she can chew?

Chapter One

Warnings: Swearing

Word count: 1784

You had just put your phone down when you saw the new email notification blink. The screen lit up with the email of your college advisor. That was unexpected. You had graduated almost two months ago, what could Debbie be reaching out about? You quickly unlocked your phone to open the email. After a quick greeting and well wishes on a post grad life Debbie began to describe a new position that would fit perfectly with your degree in nutritional sciences and your love of traveling. The employer was a childhood friend of Debbie’s, Karen, who was looking for a nutritionist with the ability to travel and keep odd hours.  Karen wanted the nutritionist to be personally recommended by Debbie.

“I immediately thought of you for the position, Y\N,” read the email, “You were top of your class and had glowing evaluations from all of your internships during undergrad. Plus, I know you were hoping to do some traveling in the years following graduation. I think this would a stellar opportunity. I know Karen’s family, they are good people. Please let me know if you are interested and I’ll go ahead and recommend you to Karen and put you two in contact.”

The email ended with more well wishes. You mulled it over for a bit. From what you understood, Karen had some young sons who would need help with staying healthy while away from home during constant travel. It wasn’t a very detailed description, but your curiosity was piqued.

You currently didn’t have a solid plan for the future. Your paid internship at a local fitness club was about to end in two weeks along with the lease on your apartment. The club had let you know that even though they loved your work, they unfortunately didn’t have the funds to add you as a full-time employee. The most sensible thing to do would be to move back home with your parents at the end of the month and start applying around for a new job. The prospect of moving back to your hometown two hours from the city was not ideal. But the city was expensive and with no steady income lined up, your choice was pretty much made. But this email provided an alluring option.

You quickly replied to Debbie expressing your interest in the job. You wanted to explore the option before you. You had already surrendered to returning to your old room, but now out of the blue an exciting opportunity fell into your lap. Fate? Maybe.

~

You were nervous on the Uber ride over to Karen’s home office. A week ago, Debbie had put you and Karen in contact for what seemed like a promising job opportunity. The first phone call came two days later and was easy enough to get through because Karen had been very kind and asked questions about your experience, your rates, and willingness to make last minute changes in schedules. It was a pleasant and relatively short call. You didn’t get to ask any more questions about the position, but you figured it was mostly an opportunity for Karen to get a feel for you. You felt pretty confident and hoped she’d consider you.

Two days after that you got a phone call from Karen, she was really interested in you for the position, but wanted to clear up a few details before making an offer.

“My kids, they’re technically not kids anymore and one of them is a family friend. The youngest is 19, one is 20 and the other two are 22. They’re basically your age,” Karen spoke into the phone. “Which I’m weighing right now as a pro and a con. The pro is that your young and can keep up with them and you can relate to them, the similarity in age makes you more approachable, I think. However, the con, I’m afraid they won’t respect your expert advice, with you being so young. I’d like to think my boys would act accordingly and follow through with your professional recommendations. I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt because you look great on paper and Debbie can’t exalt your skills enough.”

“Wow, I’m flatered, thank you, Karen.” You beamed on the other side of the phone.

“Now, the other thing. The boys are part of a band called Greta Van Fleet, I’m not sure if your familiar with it?”

Holy fucking shit. Holy crap. Was this real life? Hell yeah I knew who they were! Local Michigan legends, they had just won a freakin Grammy!

“Errm, i—am, I do know. I know who they are, who the band is.” Holy shit you were starstruck through the damn phone. This was probably the final test and you were failing it with your stunned blubbering. It clicked together at that moment—the job required constant travel with four “kids”—you were going to tour with Greta Van Fleet as their nutritionist. Well if you could secure the job that is.

Karen gave a knowing chuckle. “I knew it was highly likely that you would know them. I kept the details under wraps while I filtered out candidates. Essentially, you would be working for me “being the mom,” if you will, while they are out touring. I can’t be there with them, but I want someone there to make sure they’re eating right, sleeping and all that. They came home a mess from their last tour, especially Josh,” you could hear the worry in her voice, “and I just can’t stay home in peace knowing they are risking their health like that.”

“I understand. I understand your concern as a mother. It would be an incredible honor to be trusted with your boys’ health while they go rock out in the world.”

Another chuckle. “I want to offer you the position, Y\N. If you accept, I’d like to meet you in person to read through the contract.”

“I do, I accept! When would you want to meet?”

~

That had been a few days ago and now you were on your way to read and sign the contract with Karen. Holy shit. You were going on tour with Josh, Jake, Sam, and Danny. Definitely better than moving back home!

The car came to a stop in front of a lovely suburban home. You made your way to the door and rang the doorbell. The door opened suddenly, “Y/N! Welcome, I’m so glad to finally meet you in person.” Karen waved you in and took your hand to shake it. “Please follow me.” You were in the Kiszka’s childhood home, oh my GOD!

You followed her through a living room full of family pictures. You tried not to stare because you wanted to seem as professional as possible. But dammit you were going on tour with rock stars! Karen closed the door to her office and asked you to sit opposite from her at her desk.

“I think you are going to be a great addition to the tour troupe. I know I’ll feel better knowing your there. I want you to read the contract and let me know if you have any questions.” She bit her bottom lip as she slid the document across to you. It reminded you of Josh and you smiled. You took the papers in your hands and began to read. It was all pretty standard. Ethical practice stuff, non-disclosure clause so I wouldn’t go blabbing to TMZ or something. But then, there was a special clause. Your cheeks began to burn and you wished Karen wasn’t watching you as you read. Basically, it prohibited you from forming romantic relationships with any of the band members…which was basically covered by the ethical portion—you wouldn’t do that with any client, it was a conflict of interests. But this went further to detail that absolutely no sexual contact must happen between anyone in the band and me or it would result in immediate termination of my contract. Holy god this was beyond embarrassing. This kind of stuff usually went without saying, I wouldn’t do that! Why did Karen make this so explicit? Momma bear instinct?

You placed the papers on the desk. “I agree to the terms stated.” You tried your best to keep your voice steady and your face open and relaxed.

Karen stared into your eyes for an extra beat. “I know it isn’t typical to be so…detailed about some aspects. I won’t bullshit with you, I know what kinds of experiences come with the “Rockstar lifestyle”. You seem like a professional and responsible young lady, but I want to make sure you, or anyone that we work with, don’t try and take advantage of the privileged position in the boys’ lives. I hope you don’t take that personally.”

Your first reaction was hurt. It hurt to be considered a type of vulture that would try and get something out of the situation. But then you realized it must be so hard to find people with genuine intentions when money, power, and fame are on the line.

You nodded, “I understand. I hope to carry out my duties in a professional and respectful way. This is an incredible opportunity and I feel very grateful that you trust me. I don’t want that to ever be tarnished.” You really meant it.

“It’s reassuring to hear you say that, Y/N. The boys should be getting here soon, you all need to meet now. I’m also going to be telling them about your role in the crew for the first time. I hope that goes over well.”

Your face dropped. Did she mean that the guys didn’t know about having a personal nutritionist for their upcoming tour? You began to worry. “Karen, do the guys not know about me? Like about this position?” You tried to keep the concern out of your voice, but your wide eyes betrayed you.

Karen looked guilty and her face sank. “I have not told them yet that a professional will be joining the crew, no. I don’t want them brushing it off as me being overprotective. I’m hoping if I present you as a signed on done deal, they wont protest. I realize it puts you in a bit of an uncomfortable position. But I’m certain I’m just overthinking it. I think, yes.” She finished saying the last part more to herself than you.

Fuck. You hoped all the boys would be on board and not hate you for essentially being their mom’s stand in. You had been nervous about meeting the band before. But now, you were downright panicked. You mentally crossed your fingers as you sat and waited.

#greta van fleet #reader fic #josh kiszka #sam kiskza #jake kiszka #danny wagner #hunger

[joonshadow]

"i'm not straight"

being in the closet isnt that much fun

or

namjoon comes out to the other members after hiding for so long.

/namjoon-centric fluff/

namjoon knew he wasn't straight for quite a while now but never told anyone, neither his family or his members. not because he wasn't sure about it, heck no, he knows for a hundred percent.

but coming out to yourself is really hard and coming out to everyone else in your life is even harder sometimes.

the leader always is open and accepting, never judging anyone. he has some not straight friends and loves them so much, couraging them to be open and happy. but being not straight himself is a bit different.

first, he could never be open about his sexuality to the whole world. its just the sad truth that an idol isn't supposed to be gay, they should be "normal" and appealing to their fans, who are mostly female.

which leads to the second reason; the hate.

as the leader of the group its his job to hold the members together and look after them. if he came out as gay, the media would go crazy and not just attack joon, but probably the whole group with hate and drama.

so no, being out and about isn't really an option for him. but for a while now he thought about telling his little "secret" to his members, his best friends who are like a second family for the boy.

-

turns out that trying to come out is nerve wracking as fuck.

all seven boys are cuddled up on the couch, watching a movie yoongi choose called "love simon" and eating popcorn.

namjoon is squished inbetween jungkook and hoseok, the youngest laying his head down on joons lap while his head is on hoseoks shoulders.

namjoons hands are sweaty, his heart is bumping hard in his chest and his throat is dry as hell. the blonde boy kept thinking over and over how he should say it but everytime he wants to say it out loud, he gets too scared.

its weird because he knows he will receive nothing but love and support from his friends, so he doesnt know why its so scary to actually tell them.

probably because his whole life, it was his little secret just for himself that no one else knew. so telling it someone else who obviously isnt him, is scaring the hell out of him.

and the time passes, the movie almost over and jungkook asleep on his thighs.

the first one to speak up wasnt namjoon, it was taehyung.

"i love this movie, its awesome. the two boys are so cute together!", the blue haired boy said with a sleepy voice and smiled at the other members, everyone agreeing with him instantly.

which makes joon incredibly happy. he doesn't know if its just something he feels or if its common among lgbt people, but everytime someone whos important to him says something accepting or nice about the community, his heart secretly bursts full of happiness in his chest.

"its late, we should sleep.", hoseok mumbled while carefully standing up, trying not to wake the youngest member up.

"youre right, hyung. do we have any schedules tomorrow?", asked jimin, who also was almost asleep next to jungkook.

seokjin told them all that they dont have anything planned for the next week since promotions are over and their tour starts in three weeks. everyone smiled because that means they would all be able to sleep as long as they want tomorrow.

namjoon brought some blankets from his room for jungkook who will sleep on the couch today because everyone is too tired and lazy to wake the youngest up and bring him to bed.

he carefully put them over him and tucked the sleeping boy in, kissing his head before turning off the tv and going out of the living room as quiet as possible.

seokjin and hoseok already dissapeared in their rooms, tired from practising their newest choreo all day long, while jimin and taehyung were in the bathroom and getting ready for bed.

namjoon did the same, telling the younger ones to sleep well and not to stay up too late before going to his room as well.

yoongi was his roommate, the two rappers sharing their room for quiet a while now.

the older boy was already in his bed when namjoon came in and crawled into his bed after changing into his pyjamas.

namjoon thought he was already asleep so he tried his best to be quiet and not make any noise to disturb the other. he almost fell asleep too before he heard some footsteps coming near his bed, his big blanket being held up and yoongi going under them.

it wasnt surprising since the two of them cuddle almost every night. but namjoon still got surprised as yoongi began to talk in a soft, calm voice.

"whats wrong, joon? i know somethings on your mind. you can talk to me, you know?"

is he that obvious? okay maybe he is a little bit tense lately, trying so hard to act normal but at the same time trying to find a good moment to tell his members about his sexuality.

after the movie was over today, he was kinda pissed at himself because he wasted such a good opportunity to tell them.

"i dont know what you mean, hyung. im just like always?"

yoongi sighed but besides that he just stayed silent. he softly caressed joons hair and waited for the younger boy to speak up when he is comfortable with doing so.

namjoons heart started to pound faster and he felt his hands getting sweaty again. maybe this was better than telling it everyone at once.

so he took a deep breath, tried to get his shit together and with a voice that yoongi almost wasnt able to hear, he finally said it out loud.

"im gay."

namjoon couldnt see yoongis reaction, wasnt able to read his face because it was pitch dark in their room and his back was turned towards the older one.

he started to breath faster, anxiety rising up in him because yoongi didnt say anything and for a second namjoon thought that he will hate him now.

but all his fears went away as yoongi wrapped his arms around namjoons waist and pulled him a little bit closer, giving him a soft kiss on his shoulder and smiled against his neck.

"hyung?"

"what?"

"arent you gonna say anything?"

"what should i say, joon? its no big deal,

i still love you. youre still the same person as before, you know?"

namjoon fell asleep a few minutes later with the biggest smile on his face.

-

"so for how long have you known?"

yoongi decided the morning after that just the two of them should sit together and talk a little bit. namjoon was more than okay with that which resulted in them sitting on yoongis bed, both with a cup of tea and surrounded by soft blankets and pillows.

namjoon told him everything, about how he found out and if he ever had a boyfriend, to which he sadly answered with a no.

"i dont know if anyone would every truly love me for who i am, you know what i mean?", namjoon said and looked down at his cup.

yoongi looked at the other boy and smiled softly, hitting his shoulder playfully.

"i bet youll find the perfect boy soon, joonie. dont worry too much about it."

-

this same afternoon namjoon decided that he should tell the other members too. it was unfair to just tell it yoongi and keep this big secret from everyone else.

its kinda hard to plan this kind of stuff since he is the type of person to back out on the last second. but after feeling so relieved from telling yoongi about his sexuality, he figured it wont be that bad to tell the others as well.

he went to seokjins and hoseoks room, knocking on the door twice and letting himself in after hearing a tired "yes?" from the inside.

there they were, sitting on their comfortable beds while probably scrolling through social media and stalking fan accounts. neither of them looked up, too concentrated on their phones and whats going on on the internet.

"hyung?"

both of them looked up after they heard namjoons quiet voice filled with anxiety, instantly putting away their phones and just focusing on him which, to be honest, didnt make this any easier.

"whats wrong, joon?", hoseok asks curious while standing up, taking his hand and pulling him over to seokjins bed.

hoseok sat right next to jin, which meant that namjoon is right in front of the two older boys.

nervously he was fiddling with his hands, taking a deep breath and thinking about what yoongi told him.

its no big deal,

youre still the same person as before

"i have something to say that i feel like you two should know, okay? its nothing big, at least thats what yoongi hyung says, but i just wanted you guys to kno-"

"are you gay or what?", hoseok said while letting out a small giggle, stopping the moment he saw namjoons surprised face.

"wait, youre really gay. holy shit, im sorry namjoon, i didnt mean to-"

"oh shut up hoseok, dont make this even more embarassing for yourself.", seokjin insisted and then just focused on namjoon, who was just hella surprised and a little bit shocked to be honest.

"yeah, im actually gay. thanks for ruining my big surprise", namjoon joked and smiled at hoseok, who still feels kinda bad and tightly holds joons hands in his.

the two older boys gave namjoon a big hug, telling him that theyll love and support him no matter what and reminded namjoon that theyre always here if he needs someone to talk to.

everything they said means a lot to joon and he is so happy to hear it, especially from the oldest member in the group. the two were always really close with each other so to know that seokjin still loves him just the way he is, means a lot.

-

"hyung?"

namjoon looked up from the pot with boiling hot water in it, making pasta for everyone or at least trying to. taehyung came into the kitchen and just silently started to cut the vegetables that joon already put out for cooking.

"whats up, tae?", joon asked while taking out spices from the cabin, tasting the sauce for the noodles before adding some more salt and pepper. hes not the best cook but still able to make simple pasta with tomato sauce without making everyone sick or burning down the kitchen.

taehyung put away the knife for cutting the veggies, puts his hands on joons shoulders and turns him around so that the two boys are facing each other.

"uh, taehyung? what are you doing?"

the younger one just hugged joon tight and buried his face in the taller ones neck, pulling him close. to say that namjoon was a little bit confused was an understatement.

taehyung began to speak quietly with a shy, almost embarassed voice against joons soft skin.

"i heard you, hobi hyung and jin hyung talk in their rooms. i shouldnt have listened, but i was so curious about what you guys were talking about. im so sorry, hyung."

he was a little bit confused but understood after a second whats going on.

"so you know?"

the blue haired boy nodded quickly and promised namjoon that he doesnt mind it at all and that hes still the best leader of the whole world to which namjoon just responded with a soft "thank you", a big smile and an even bigger hug.

-

the day is almost over, no one really did anything besides sleeping and eating all day long. days like these are much needed after stressful promotions and exhausting award shows.

the boys ate joons pasta for dinner, complimenting him on his "amazing" cooking skills and after that they all just dissapear in their rooms or somewhere else in the house.

it was already dark outside as namjoon sat down on their big couch, pulling his phone out and scrolling trough social media.

most of the fans dont know but all of the members love to look at all the different fan accounts and see what they say about their group. its fun.

around five minutes later he got a message from jimin.

jimin: hyung

jimin: do you want to watch a movie

jimin: just jungkook, yoongi and me

namjoon: sure

after hitting send, he made his way to jimins room, already hearing their voices and the tv playing in the background. he just went in there without knocking and got greeted by the sight of jimin making little ponytails with yoongis grey hair and jungkook eating leftover pasta from dinner.

"wow, looks like you guys are having a lot of fun without me", namjoon said laughing and just laid down on the bed next to jungkook.

"its boring just with yoongi hyung, most of the time he falls asleep during the movie and thats-"

"oh shut up, its not my fault that the movies you guys choose are always so boring."

both of them laughed after yoongi jokingly hit jimins arm, which hurt not even a little bit since he isnt really the strongest.

"what movie are we even watching today?"

"probably a bad love movie which jimin found on netflix after feeling lonely and sad again"

the next second jimin just deadass jumped on jungkook and both of them tried to push the other one down on the bed. jimin gave up a bit after since its unfair because jungkook is "way stronger and hes tickling him which is fucking unfair".

namjoon just laughs and sits a little bit closer to yoongi, the older one putting his arm around joons shoulders and pulling him even closer.

"guys, come on now. if you dont want me to fall asleep during the movie, we should start now and not just in a few hours when you two decided to calm down.", yoongi murmured kinda annoyed, he would probably rather be in his bed now.

after a few minutes the movie was playing on the big tv screen and all four of them cuddled up on jungkooks big bed.

namjoon couldnt hold back a small giggle after seeing that jimin chose 'titanic' and hearing yoongi and jungkooks annoyed sigh.

to be honest, it was actually really nice. a few minutes after the movie started, taehyung decided to join them too and just snuggled between jungkook and jimin.

yoongi couldnt hold back and after a while he was softly snoring on namjoons lap with messy hair and parted lips.

the younger one of the two just caresses the older ones hair, loving the way it feels between his fingers.

"did hyung fall asleep again?", jimin asked with not even a little bit of surprise in his voice.

namjoon just nodded without saying anything, he didnt want to wake up yoongi and taehyung, whos also sleeping in jungkooks arms.

maybe now is the right time to tell them too since they are the last ones who dont know about joons little secret yet. jimin is still looking at namjoon with sleepy eyes, smiling a bit.

"jimin, jungkook, i have to tell you guys something", namjoon whispered as quiet as possible, hoping the younger boys would understand him anyways since he would rather not say it twice.

"what is it?", asks jimin, now wide awake and looking at namjoon full of curiosity.

from jungkook he just heard a tired "hm?".

"im gay", he whispers softly.

he honestly expected to be more calm now considering he came out to so many people in such a short time. but hes still nervous, his heart beating fast and waiting for a reaction he already knows will be the same as all the others before.

"not surprising, hyung"

wait, what? namjoon was confused.

"what do you mean, jungkook?"

jimin just giggles and shrugs his shoulders. jungkook told him that it isnt really that big of a surprise since hes not that stupid and knows his hyungs well. namjoon wanted him to be a little bit more clear, so he explained why he always kinda knew that joonie isnt that hetero.

"you never had a girlfriend and neither do you really talk about girls the way, for example jimin, does. and since there were never any signs that youre straight, i just assumed you arent."

namjoon just laughs and sarcastically congrats jungkook on his smart brain and his skill on finding out peoples sexuality. jimin joins in too and after a bit they all just cant stop laughing.

both, taehyung and yoongi woke up from the noise, confused and tired.

"whats going on?", yoongi said so quiet that namjoon and the others almost didnt notice.

"namjoon hyung likes boys!"

after that, the three boys just started to laugh even harder, not even knowing whats so funny about the whole situation.

but theres one thing namjoon knows for sure.

and that is that hes genuinely happy right now, feeling so good after knowing that he doesnt have to hide anymore and that hes so so loved.

--------

you can find my other stories on wattpad @ smolouis

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#pls tell me how it is :(( #namjoon 💞💞💞 #bts #jimin #taehyung #ot7 #hoseok #yoongi #seokjin #jungkook #fanfic