#i hate forcing myself to dissociate just to work

[iamasimplesimp]

it's times like this that i HATE with a FIERY PASSION my ADHD

i want to work. i NEED to work. I did everything I need to do to be comfy. i even ate some chocolate to boost my mood!

but brain-machine broke :/

#i am talking #not fnaf #seething currently #mental health vent #i just need to work for about 2 hours and I get paid enough for me to have money again #but brain machine is fucking broken #i wish the ritalin helped me focus. but I get to be awake #so i guess there's pros of this med #BUT STILL #i need to be able to focus. and it just ain't happening #i HAAATE forcing myself to work #forcing myself to do anything is like sandpaper on an open wound #i hate forcing myself to dissociate just to work #im going to have to though

[ladyloveandjustice]

Otherside Picnic Volume 8 Review that Devolves into a Bunch of Quotes and Gushing

I’ve been wanting to do a review of Otherside Picnic Vol 8 because I loved it so much, but haven’t been in the right mindspace to properly convey my enthusiasm. But I’m about to get busy so it’s now or never. Here are my thoughts that are inevitably going to devolve into a bunch of quotes and gushing. Let's just go through it all!

-I loved this so much, first off. It literally inspired me to have an honest discussion with my partner about my own intimacy and relationship quirks and what we want from each other. It made me feel a little better about myself and my own weirdness, that’s how much it affected me. It really got across the relief of just communicating in a relationship, of having frank conversations with your partner, and accepting your differences from the mainstream as okay.

-The conversation about romance, love, and sex being different actually made me tear up, which is how I knew this book would murder me from the beginning. It’s just so nice to see one of my favorite yuri and favorite romantic stories ever acknowledge asexuality and the full spectrum of experiences in such an understanding and thoughtful way.

-I love that this book really recontextualizes the oblivious-to-love protagonist, slow-burn and often stalled development that aren’t uncommon in animanga adjacent media romances and made it into something incredibly interesting. This was already hinted at in previous volumes, but Sorawo’s disconnect with her own feelings and slowness in responding to Toriko wasn’t just to tease the audience, but because her view of romance and her understanding of her own feelings conflicted with societal ideas of romance and it left her lost and confused. It makes everything that came before it so much more meaningful. This is also extremely relatable, and I love that Sorawo was frustrated with the idea of her relationship fitting into a socially acceptable box, when she felt what she had with Toriko was a lot more complicated and far reaching and didn’t want to define it so neatly.

-Honestly reading about Sorawo not being all that into kissing and basically being like "I don't hate it but it doesn't do anything for me" made me feel a little bit less alone and little more confident in talking about this aspect of my experience. ME TOO. GIRL.

-Every single yuri should have a line like “sounds to me like you’re a raging lesbian” from now on. How can anything ever live up to this.

-Toriko looking into sexual abuse gave me a heart attack because at first I thought she was trying to understand what happened with her and Satsuki. But she was researching Sorawo, because the stuff with the Red Person made her realize Sorawo has trauma and I felt so vindicated about my article. Then we have the hilarity of Sorawo, who literally has a “cult mode” when she’s made to relive where she had to deal with abuses from cults, where she becomes like a different person and talks to herself like she’s a separate person and is disconnected from her normal self…claiming she doesn’t have lingering cult trauma and doesn’t dissociate.

And then Toriko going “uhhhh what about the Red Person?”

“Huh oh that didn’t count. Cuz your love saved me.”

THE most un-self aware person, I love her.

(And EVERYONE knows it, especially Toriko, loved this exchange:

“Don’t try to force something I’m not aware of onto me.”

“Sorawo, there aren’t many things about you that you actually display self-awareness of.”

“Wow, insulting much?!” )

-The fact Toriko noticed how thirsty Sorawo was for her the second they met is so funny and makes that scene 100 times better in hindsight.

“It took me by surprise. Here I am, holding you in my arms, and you go and stare at my face, then your eyes start working their way down. I was like, ‘Girl sure has a lot of energy for someone who almost drowned.’”

“So, what? When you were talking about me ogling you before, you meant—”

“Yeah, right from the get-go. From the moment you saw me for the first time.”

Sorawo didn’t realize she was doing it…the entire exchange is hilarious. SO much of this book was hilarious honestly, here are some other choice quotes:

Who would’ve known there could be such a touching scene right next to a shelf stuffed full of erotic manga with titles so incredible that I couldn’t possibly name them...?

And this, the best love confession ever:

“I love you! I love you!”

“For real?”

“Apparently!”

-I really liked that Toriko was genuinely worried Sorawo might not have consented to the previous kisses and might be bothered by them. It built on the ongoing theme of Toriko struggling with emotional and physical boundaries, giving her such good character growth, and It shows a concern and care most stories gloss over.

…Which is kind of a stark contrast to the lack of concern she shows about that time she hit Sorawo in volume 6, despite Sorawo bringing it up as a problem. This has been an ongoing issue that’s bothered me, and it’s been mentioned often enough I hope Miyazawa is going to actually do something to address it. He DID address the questionable consent of the earlier kisses, going beyond my expectations, so I actually have my fingers crossed this is something we’re going to explore and confront. It’s really jarring compared to the rest of how well everything else has been handled, and is the only mark against the story, so I’m hoping this is intentional. The Toriko who worries Sorawo might have been sexually abused and goes above and beyond to try to be sensitive and understand her and the Toriko who is dismissive of the time she hit her (now) partner seem so in opposition to each other, and I there could be some interesting exploration and resolution of that.

(Miyazawa does mention something about having to treat serious issues casually because of Sorawo's detached, cynical POV and hoping readers will understand; and I think it's likely he was referring to that, which gives me more confidence).

-Sorawo understands Toriko’s moms are lesbians now I’m so proud of her.

-the fact that Toriko wanted to fuck in her dead parents bedroom …she has so many problems, I cherish her.

-I loved getting more Toriko backstory and her moms. Love Sorawo being like “wow I probably should have asked about this but…” YES YOU SHOULD HAVE, FOR MY SAKE. But Sorawo’s focus on living in the here and now, and being content with the Toriko in the here and now, is such an interesting aspect of her.

-EVERYthing about the final scene was so good. Like how can I even talk about it? Toriko fucking Sorawo with her weirdass interdimensionally-corrupted hand while getting jazzed by Sorawo's magic eye is just PEAK lesbian fantasy, no other series had delivered this exact weirdness that I want, thank you for being there for all of us bizarre sapphics.

“I...might make you go crazy.”

“That’s okay.”

Toriko’s hand drew closer. It meant something different now than it had before. If Toriko touched me now, I’d be the one to go insane. She snuggled up to me, so close our noses could touch, and with a voice full of heated passion, she whispered, “Let’s go crazy. Together.”

“Girl hit me with your evil eye, let’s get real fucked up” I love them, they’re such freaks and I am here for it. THE PASSION. THE METAPHOR. THE PURE CHUUNI WISH FUFILLMENT.

-Honestly I just highlighted the entire final scene because it hit me right in my weird gay little soul the way few other things have and I want to be able to whip these out the next time some loser says wlw media doesn’t have poetic declarations of love and passion so I’m just going to go through them.

Here’s one:

But that’s not what happened. Toriko looked beautiful, opening before me like a flower in bloom, and I was aware of every minute branch of the tree, down to their very tips…[]

Toriko became rude, polite, lewd, or embarrassed. I didn’t have the composure to focus or think as I watched, so Toriko changed from one thing to another as my gaze wandered. Laughing, getting angry, crying, fearing, moaning—feeling as if she were flowing from one state to the next, in constant flux, and yet in all of them simultaneously.

Sorawo accepting all sides of Toriko, all her complexity, how she’s everything all at once! And the fact they have such amazing sex they basically GO TO THE OTHERSIDE? Dimension transcending lesbian sex? Showstopping, incredible.

The way her hand moved, tracing the outline of my body—its true outline—was as gentle as could be, sensitive yet bold, overflowing with care, incredibly unreserved, and audacious. It felt like it was packed full of all the experiences of being touched by another person. In another way, different from mine, Toriko was unraveling the person that I was too. I was being decomposed, broken apart. The things that had been pressed into a human form were decompressed, and expanded outwards without limit.

This is how you do a sex scene. If your partner doesn’t unravel you and make you see all the shattered pieces of yourself, is it even worth it? I love the motif of falling apart but becoming more whole at the same time- isn’t that just every human experience all wrapped up into one?

I had been afraid to look at Toriko. Toriko had been afraid to touch me. Now, as we were looking at, or touching, our partner directly, tossed about on the waves of madness, we began to gradually find a way to take control of the situation.

The idea of how maybe you can’t help losing your minds when you look and feel all the other person is…but maybe if you lose your minds together it will be okay. Romance.

These two beasts with all these bodies converged through their desire for one another and were bound together. We were blending together at the interfaces where we connected. The different ‘us’s melted together, without ever becoming a perfect whole, but without fully separating either. Like a chimera made from two types of living being. Or two galaxies colliding.

“We became a chimera” is the absolute nerdiest way to describe making love and thus perfect for them (also lol the beast with two backs).

That’s too long, so how about shortening it to Soratori?” I burst out laughing as I remembered the time she’d tried to use the name Soratori Road for what we now called Route 1 in the other world. “

That’s like one of those ship names,” I told her.

“What’re those?”

“You’re a mangaka’s daughter and you don’t know that?!”

“Nope, not a clue. Is it something dirty?”

“Well, maybe?”

“Hmm.”

Okay, so Sorawo is clearly in some fandom and ships something. Place your bet on what it is. Probably she ships creepypasta monsters.

Do you know what the ‘nue’ is?”

“It’s a Japanese monster, right? Made up of a bunch of different animals mixed together.” “Yeah, that’s the one. As an extension of that, the word can also refer to something that doesn’t have a discernible form.”

[...]

While we were there, the two of us got all mixed up together, right? Intertwined, melting into one, like animals... Depending on how you look at it, you might say we were like a nue.”

“So, basically, if you wanted a word to represent our relationship, we wouldn’t be ‘lovers,’ or ‘accomplices’...but a ‘nue’?”

Okay forget what I said this is ACTUALLY the nerdiest way to describe your relationship. And speaking of nerds, I love this stupid conversation:

“It’s cute. Nue. I like the sound of it. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo of the kanji.”

“You’d take it that far?”

“You’re not gonna get a matching one?”

“They might not let us in the hot springs in Japan anymore. You sure?

” “Huh?! I wouldn’t like that... You think it’d be okay if we put them somewhere no one will see?”

“Where would no one see? This is sounding painful, and I’m not really on board with it.”

“Wha?”

-

Anyway, yeah, this section was everything I wanted, no notes. Toriko and Sorawo have the most demented, fantastical sex possible, having a threesome with the otherside because they all are strange and wonderful, being the nerdiest dorks it’s possible to be, their relationship is now a chimera because that’s even better and more all encompassing that something boring like lovers, Miyazawa really gave us it all, love wins, gays win. What more can I say? I adore this series.

#otherside picnic #otherside picnic 8 spoilers #my reviews #books #yuri #sorawo kamikoshi #toriko nishina #soratori

[allisoooon]

I always wanted to ask. Do you like hate Viktor or? I’m a bit confused since his entire life has just been trauma after trauma but it kinda feels like people don’t care? I kinda just want your thoughts on his story (both before S1, Aka when he was a kid and like S1 to S3?) like, what constitutes as a victim mentality when he’s just constantly being tortured? Is it his fault his powers are dangerous? Or is it his fault that he had a panic attack and basically went haywire? /Gen

Ooooh, this is an interesting question. This is going to be a long answer.

So no, I absolutely don't hate Viktor. Actually, what I love about him is that he has a dark side like everyone else. It's what makes him compelling. Emotionally, he's a deeply traumatized human being. By nature, he's gentle and has a strong sense of justice. Take a character like that and give him a tendency to kill people when he loses control of his emotions, and you've got yourself some A+ internal conflict. That doesn't work if he has no agency in the things he does.

When I refer to a victim mentality, I'm not making a claim that he's not a victim--I'm referring to the fact that he's forgotten that he's not only a victim. Indeed, to some degree, he started out the series having forgotten that people who hurt him can also be victims. To take it further, other people can be his victims. That's just a fact of life about being a human being. It's certainly not his fault that his powers are dangerous, but I don't think it's as simple as him "going haywire." I don't think he's having a panic attack when he ends the world. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he did the entire thing while dissociated. That's kinda what it looks like to me.

Now, dissociation is gonna be different for everyone, and I'm not sure if this is how it was intended, but to me, it doesn't feel like I've lost control of myself. To the contrary, I get very intense and goal-oriented when I dissociate. Viktor's sense of reality seems to be distorted, to the point where he is doing a lot of shit he would not have done the day before or the day after, so I would not be the least bit surprised if he was experiencing derealization. If you don't know what that's like...well, you do. If you've had a dream, you know exactly what derealization feels like. It literally feels like a dream. Now I want to be clear it feels like a dream. You are still in possession of all your mental faculties. Unless something else is confusing you, like if you just woke up or were falling asleep, you probably don't literally think you're dreaming? But that's just my experience. I tend to dissociate before and after a really bad panic attack, and as shitty an experience as it is, it's not part of a panic attack so much as it is protecting me from my panic attack. That's the mechanism, anyway. It ends up feeling like something I need protection from.

Derealization doesn't make you do things, but it does impair your judgment in my experience. When things don't feel real, it doesn't feel like there will be consequences to your actions. But, like with being drunk, you're not going to just randomly do shit you would never do otherwise. Like with being drunk, it's not an excuse for doing horrible shit. And while my memory and focus both suck when I'm dissociated, it suuuuper does not feel like being drunk. My ability to reason and logic is still there. My emotions are going haywire, but I'm not being destructive because I'm not a destructive person. Again, I don't have like, the definitive experience here, but it's the only experience I've got to talk about.

Is Viktor a destructive person when he's not losing it? When calm, and confident, under specific circumstances, he can be. He can be very frightening, and use it for the forces of good. Look at his conversation with Marcus. Do you think he was bluffing? I don't. And I think that's super cool, that he recognizes this side of himself now, but knows it doesn't have to be bad, or uncontrolled, or any of the things he feared it would be at the end of s2. He can listen to his emotions, take that sense of justice, and protect people.

A lot of this goes for Allison, too, btw. She was deeply emotionally compromised this entire season, but her actions were her own. None of the Hargreeveses have good emotion regulation (no, not even Five). Viktor's regulation is the worst because his emotions were chemically dampened his entire life. But being dysregulated does not mean you lose control of your actions, or your sense of right and wrong. When you're angry enough, you know it's wrong to say certain things or do certain things, but you're so angry, you stop caring that it's wrong. When you calm down, you feel awful.

Like Five explained to Viktor this season, that is the consequence of them having power. When they make mistakes, when they permit themselves the same moral indulgences other people get to have (like losing one's temper and yelling something one doesn't mean), people lose their lives for it. And because Viktor is very powerful, him lashing out the way normal people do every day winds up getting a lot of people killed. It's not that he's so evil, he destroyed the world. He had a couple of very, very bad days, and instead of screaming obscenities at the taxi driver who honked at him, he flung the entire taxi two blocks and presumably killed the guy. And if it didn't feel real to him at the time because he was dissociated, I would not be at all surprised. But that goes to show that a normal psychological mechanism in someone with powers still has vastly different consequences from what it has in a normal person. It's not that he's gotten correspondingly more evil, just that he pays for his mistakes differently than a non-powered person does.

And that's a hard, hard lesson to someone who dreamed of having superpowers all his life but also cried when his siblings stepped on ants.

#tua meta #tua #the umbrella academy #viktor hargreeves #ask answered

[soullikethesea]

Negative

Currently I feel a bit ashamed and disabled. I'm definitely in a burnout-type of state. Actively tired/brain foggy, feeling weird and having body aches.

Finally someone came to give the window a temporary update so that it can be opened. I don't feel happy about this??? It just feels foreign and scary. And the whole process has been so so triggering.

I got apologies three times this week, from the people involved.

And somehow that just makes it hurt more. I fucking predicted this situation and I tried everything in my power to get it fixed and it still took more than 6 months. It reminds me so much of being with my father.

He never apologized to me, of course. Or, well, one time when he was two hours late to come get me and I broke my collar bone. He still says that it was his fault. And yet his guilt and apologies do not make me feel better either. I may be broken.

The landlord stuff just makes me want to cry. It also reminds me of when I got bullied in school and I felt increasingly broken. I am missing a key-component of being human: the ability to protect myself, to show my teeth. Sometimes it feels like I don't have claws, I don't have teeth like other people do.

So even today, I befriended the handyman that neglected me. It's survival 101, isn't it? Befriend your enemy, make them care about you. If you cannot fight, befriend.

Fuck that shit. Fuck the migraine I got, fuck the changes I seem to take so hard, like the new supervisor at work. And even the window now being openable feels so Wrong. I may be autistic after all, or just traumatized, or just weird. Who even knows at this point... I wish I could talk to T, but I also don't, because I have no energy left to explain myself and guide other people towards being helpful.

I also had a low-key job interview thing going, where they forgot to call me - TWICE. I literally got stood up twice. And yes, they apologized as well. It just... it feels bad. I don't know if I'm responding in the right ways so that there is less of a chance of it happening again.

My colleague also left a ton of work to me, without asking me if I'd be OK with it. It's probably not on purpose, but that's another meh thing.

Well, I'll be fine. It seems like all of this is this level of overwhelming just because I did too many things last weekend! And that's another thing I feel pissed about. I wish I could be like a normal person and I could do things without becoming *this* exhausted. I keep comparing myself to some autistic friends I have and they are able to do so much more and it feels a little unfair sometimes. That's what makes me feel so disabled. I hate that I'm stuck within myself. I'll make the most of it, but I can't escape needing to accommodate myself and skipping out on a lot of normal/fun experiences.

Quite a few people have been asking me why I'm not doing a PhD and well, there it is. I'd need so many accommodations that it really isn't realistic. I'm not cut-out for that workload.

So here I am, listening to ASMR for some hours lying under a blanket on my carpet. Lucky that I can do something like that. Worrying a bit about how I'm going to cope without exercizing, since I found out that I injured myself last week. Ironically, I injured myself while doing PT exercises..!

When I forced myself to go into work again last night, it was like a switch flipped and I was completely fine. I liked how it felt, that I could be functional in that moment, but it does also sound a bit like dissociation...

[xxjadeablexx]

Anthony/Angel Dust

Anthony, referred to as Angel or Angel Dust, is one of the main characters in Hazbin Hotel. Angel is the tallest of the main cast, being 8 feet in heels. While he is actively searching for redemption, he has a contract with Valentino. Valentino is basically a pimp, with Angel being his “favorite toy.” In Episode 4, Charlie decides that Angel needs to be at the hotel more, despite him needing to go to work. He works as a porn actor, as per his contract with Valentino. You can tell that he doesn’t like this. Despite his comments about how he was made for the industry, you can see the huge toll it takes on him. After Charlie goes to his work, Valentino drags Angel to his dressing room. He gets physically aggressive with Angel. At one point a chain manifests, a visible representation of the contract/bond. During this scene, Angel visibly dissociates, only giving Valentino the answers he wants to hear. After running away from the hotel, Husk is sent after him. When Husk finds him in the bar, Angel is surrounded by men. Husk watches, and a few moments later watches as someone roofies the drink. He then drags Angel from the bar. Angel breaks down after, yelling at Husk. “You think I ask for it? I don’t ask for any of this shit! I didn’t ask to be this way! I didn’t ask for Charlie to save me! I didn’t ask you to save me. I can handle myself.” It really shows how he feels about his position. Both in his position in the industry he is practically forced to work in and in his relationship with Valentino. He even goes on to say things like:

 “It’s not an act! It’s who I need to be!”

“And this, this is my escape. Where I can forget about it all. How much I hate… Everything.”

“A place where I can get high and not have to think about how much it hurts.”

“And maybe… If I can ruin myself enough in the process, if I can end up broken, I won’t be his favorite toy anymore. And maybe he’ll let me go”

It is important to note the change of tone in these voice lines as well. While Angel is a male, his voice is usually pitched up roughly an octave to sound more feminine. However, when speaking about wanting to get away from it all, the voice drops, implying Anthony is speaking, not Angel Dust. 

Angel also has two siblings, his older brother, Arackniss and his twin sister, Molly. We know from Vivziepop that Angel was originally from a film called “The Spider Brothers.” This went into Angels living past as a mobster. It is believed that he joined his families 'business’ which is what led him and his brother to be sent to hell, and his twin rejected the life and went to heaven.  Molly and Arackniss both make appearances in the main series, but as non-speaking background characters. I’ve seen many posts online about Sir Pentious meeting Molly after he goes to heaven, and it’s honestly sob-inducing to think about but still brings a comfort knowing he won’t be alone. 

It is also kinda obvious that Angel was Vivziepop’s favorite character. His wiki page trivia says “Angel was created during her later years at the School of Visual Arts college, and she recalls how she would draw him excessively, to the point her classmates would comment on it.” And even looking at the wiki, it has more information than even the main characters page. He is altogether a bit more of a well rounded character. We know more about him from before the events of Hazbin Hotel, we know about his family and their dealings. His relationships. We really know about everything there is to know about him. And I do mean everything. Since we actively see him at work, we even know what he’s into/okay with ummm… “intimately.” Even down to the fact that he hates feet. 

Altogether Angel is an amazing character with a tough past and I just want to hug him so badly. Is that so much to ask for?

#hi professor #hazbin angel dust #angel dust #hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #hazbin charlie #vivziepop

[alittlebitofdebris]

Poverty isn't always what people imagine, and I'm facing that really hard lately.

I grew up in poverty. I boiled water for baths when the gas was almost always out.

I lit bonfires in my living room to keep warm and cook finger foods.

I went weekends without eating until I could get to school on Monday for breakfast.

My house was littered with things we didn't use or need because my mom was afraid we might one day need them and not be able afford it.

Our animals often went without food.

I'd walk an hour to the library in any weather to charge a cellphone my friend had given me.

Now, I have a nice home. My pets are well fed and spoiled as much as they can be. I have a smart phone, a computer, a TV. I have pretty things that bring me moments of joy.

I have beautiful things, neatly organized all over my home.

But still, I find myself in financial stress and all the illusions come crashing down.

My friend passively mentions a phrase I barely remember the context of, "you're kinda still living in poverty". I know this was meant for validation of my struggles. I know there was no ill intent.

But now, I find those words echoing in my mind any time I try to spend $5 on something to bring me momentary joy.

I feel the weight of guilt knowing that being mentally disabled has forced this experience on my spouse. I feel like a burden to my friends for not contributing more or needing them to spot me for lunch.

Today was the second time I woke up from dissociating on the floor of the kitchen crying. Likely, I was triggered by having no safe foods.

I hate saying I have no food, I've had no food before.

I have mayonnaise and nearly expired deli meat. I have a can of beans, some ramen and some soup that I hate that got mixed into an old grocery pick up order that I was scared to throw away or donate just in case. There are two frost bitten corn dogs left in the freezer. I have running city water to drink.

But still, I'm sobbing on the floor of my kitchen because even if I wasn't autistic, even if I could stomach a food that isn't my safe food right now, I'm still so scared.

What if I eat the last bite of food I have for a while and forget to cherish it? What if I waste it by throwing up because I'm so anxious? What if my husband needs it to have the energy to get to work?

I have 4 followers here, but the thousands of followers I have on other platforms don't seem to notice or care that I keep spiraling about this. They think the free wigs I get sent, the medicine I take, the makeup and clothes I wear...

It all makes it seem like I'm okay. I'm doing just fine. Really. The looming debt we acquired, the bad credit scores, to get to a mildly safe point in life... It all doesn't seem to occur to them.

But the truth is I'm not. I'm not okay. I'm fighting the urge to beg for donations because I don't know what other choices I have. But I hate needing help. I hate it so badly it causes me physical pain.

#tw: poverty #poverty #mutual aid #idk what tags to use #idk what this is #i just needed to vent because i have no one to talk to #trauma dump #financial trauma #disabled #audhd things #tw: hunger #anti capitalism #eating disoder trigger warning #tw ed diet #disordered eating thoughts #cptsd problems

[soldier-poet-king]

"I hope this doesn't awaken anything in me" except tracing patterns between my recurring favourite character types has ended with me being pepe silvia as I slowly come to the realization that all the awful weak parts of me are apparently interconnected in ways I havent fully grasped yet

It is. Occurring to me. That I have an extremely fucked up relationship with the notion of consent??? Like not just in a sexy way but also in an everyday normal general way. And this is related to dissociation as a coping mechanism but also dissociation as something I often find comforting, in a way. Which is linked to my desperate need for control and my obsessive freak behaviours (à la ocd and need for certainty) but also how desperately tired I am of being in control and how I want nothing more than to just let go entirely and let someone else be in charge. Which ofc doesn't work because there's no scenario in which I can be forced to give up control entirely, nor is there anyone I actually would fully wholly trust in that level of complete and utter control. Which ofc I guess also links to my god as lover thing, in a way, BC this is all probably applicable in a divine way and in an everyday way and in a sexy way, what do I know. But also my deep awful need to be cared for instead of caretaking, which again circles back to trust, and also issues of obedience and people pleasing and submission to duty. And how the servitude of people pleasing can be both comforting and full of ecstasy because I still have a 'use' and that use is the purpose (y'know like. The Clarified in Baru Cormorant. I'm not looking at it, I refuse to acknowledge it), but it's also a defense mechanism and a habit born out of self preservation and fear and something I hate doing and hate about myself. And how can it be both those things, which brings us back to consent. Personhood????

I'm. Hm.

Normally this is smthn I would say hey we should journal and keep ur thoughts to urself but also we never ever acknowledge or talk about this stuff ever and I feel like an unwell little freak who is fundamentally shattered in ways I am only beginning to understand and I'm just!!! Oh!! Oh i am realizing things and I don't know if that's good or not. And why don't we talk about these things in non therapy ways I am going insane in my own head

#the duality of fran #therapists want to study me like a bug 😘 #<-is literally an insane little freak #maybe sometimes u gotta step outside urself to analyze ur behaviour like ur a blorbo #gotta be a little mentally unwell to be mentally well etc etc etc #i SHOULD be focusing on good productive thinfs #get back into the bells of nagasaki. cleaning. duty and tasks. the greater good of the world #not my obsessive navel gazing self analysis. #its not important because i dont think its fixable #but yknow. obsessive need for control in all situations including my own mind ans feelings #idek why im like this #its not one of those things that can point to one defining event or trauma #but neither do i think it's just genetics #it is a culmination of life maybe. the long years of nurture. in the nature vs nurture sense #or maybe it is nature and im just fundamentally. unwell. #im just. thinking. and its uncomfortable and im not sure i like this

[theladyofbloodshed]

Hi. I really admire your writng and love all your fic very much. Really,as a reader i cant wrap my head around how incredible your writing are. But as a fellow writer, it got me thinking how you balance your day working-personal life-reading-writing. I just enter corporate life and it was exhausting. How do you manage your time to write and is it hard for you to keep your interest in writing while working?

Thank youu and no, i think your chrismast deco look very beautiful. If I visit your house i would love staying around the tree with a dim light and a warm tea.

Thank you so much for the message. That's incredibly kind of you. You are welcome for a cup of tea any time!

I will break down my day under the read more.

05:40 - partner wakes up for work (waking me up) 06:10 - partner leaves for work and I get up 07:00 - in the car to work 07:30 - at work. I don't get paid until 08:30 but I literally would not be ready for the kids if I came in at that time, plus I'm already awake (and definitely a morning person). I'm usually alone in the class until around that time so I tend to have an audiobook on while I'm getting the class ready. I teach in a different classroom every single day, so I have to be organised. 16:00 - finish work 16:30 - home for a cup of tea and usually go on social media/write 18:00 - cook dinner which usually takes about an hour After that, I either spend time with my partner, read, or write. The only day I haven't written something was when I had to be at work until nearly 9pm for a halloween party, but generally, I write every single day. I will be honest in that I don't really have a social life. I've only really got one friend and she lives 60 miles away. I cancelled my gym membership because I hate going after work in winter and I've been so ill for the last couple of months that it was a waste of money. At the weekends, my partner and I might go to a coffee shop or a walk, but most of the time I am writing. It's nothing I have to force. I look forward to writing every single day. If I found it a chore, I wouldn't do it. Sometimes, I am super tired from work too and have a low output, but in those times I'll lay on the bed or take a bath with some music on and still be imagining scenarios. If you are exhausted, don't push it. If I've imagined a scene enough then I know exactly how it will play out to make the writing easier. My brain almost thinks in a writer mode now, like instead of seeing the scene, I'll also be narrating it.

I am constantly thinking about my writing. When I drive, I am imagining scenarios/dialogue. If I go for a walk alone, my headphones are on to dissociate and imagine. For me, it's all consuming. Weirdly, none of my new colleagues know I have any books and I've just mentioned it in passing to my family because we're not close and they don't really care. Even my partner has no clue about character names or anything because he hasn't read them. It's got to the point where I have RSI in my hand from typing so much. Today, I've written about 5000 words and have written 100k words for a single book since October.

It is hard for me to switch off sometimes. I do wonder if I have some sort of ADHD because I have to be doing something at all times. When I'm at work for my planning time, I'm usually doing all 8 jobs on my to do list at the same time, like this page is loading so I'll start this email then go back to that lesson plan then reply to that other person. I cannot just sit and watch tv, I either have to be sewing, or writing by hand, or typing. The only time I do nothing is when I sleep lmao. I've always been that way though.

In terms of reading, I've really struggled this year. Most books have been 2/3 star reads for me - which is really unlike me. I'm usually super generous with 5 stars. I've had to force myself to sit and read a lot because I'll just scroll on my phone otherwise when I'm bored.

I wish I had kids, but I don't, and thankfully my partner also cooks and cleans so if its his turn to cook, I can carry on writing. Sometimes it has caused arguments so I try to make a conscious effort to put my laptop down and spend quality time together. Writing is just everything to me. I love it. It's all I ever want to do. But, I'm also not a night person, so my laptop is usually off before 9pm and I'm asleep by half past 9 nearly every night ha.

#anon asks #a long ramble as always

[circular-bircular]

how... how did saying "i'm not an individual, i'm a part of one singular whole" make you guys feel more individual? genuinely do not understand. parts language implies you're not you, you're just shards of a broken whole, that every system member is not a full person and that collectively they add up to one individual, the "singlet-you-were-meant-to-be" or whatever

I would love to talk more about this!!! It’s one of my favorite parts of how we function now tbh. Sorry for the rant ahead, I’ve wanted to talk about this for so long, and this is apparently the time.

Before we used parts language, we were of the idea that Rice was the “original alter.” We were taught that by the online communities we were in, and she was forced into that role. That meant, we all felt like figments of her imagination. Which. Sucked ass.

We fought hard to be seen as our own selves. We dressed differently, we dropped our voice when male alters were out to an excessive degree (to the point of damaging our voice often). Curtis struggled so much with trying not to smoke, because at least smoking would prove he was himself, because Rice has never wanted to smoke. Trying to make ourselves be people hurt us a lot.

Eventually, we finally moved away from the “core” idea, which was gross anyways. But even seeing ourselves as our own people, we never felt like we could be. I’m my own person - but I want top surgery. If I was really my own person, I would be able to get top surgery. But I’m not! I’m stuck here with these assholes like Sierra and Debbie, and they both want these tits. So I have to fight to be myself, and the fight was with them. I fucking hated every single day, because I was fighting with someone who couldn’t even hear me half the time, because I was the one fronting. How useless right?

And then, we learned about parts language. It sounded like bullshit, to be honest. “We’re all our own person, we don’t want to be parts of a whole.” But… that’s how DID works. It’s what made the most sense. DID works out that you (as a singular identity as a singular child) are traumatized to the point of putting the pieces of yourself into multiple identities. Those dissociative identities are part of that whole.

When we first started thinking of ourselves as parts, we saw it as that “broken-parts-of-one-whole-who-we-are-meant-to-be” thing too, and that pissed us off. But… we started looking at it through the lens of functional multiplicity instead. We are who we’re supposed to be right now - because we aren’t supposed to be anything except what we want to be.

Now? Now I’m a person who wants top surgery. But because I am part of one whole, I can recognize that collectively, we don’t want that. Collectively, I have Sierra, Debra, Rice, Sie, Octavian, Ve, Avery, and now a new split yesterday who all want to keep our chest. Even Curtis feels something about it. That’s 7.5 out of 13 who want to keep our chest (for the most part - Octavian and Rice sometimes don’t like it). I can recognize that, as a part of Circ (our name for the collective system), I want my chest off because we are collectively queer, but maybe we aren’t fully a trans man like I am. Does that mean I’m not a trans man suddenly? Fuck no!!! I still exist!

But now, my voice matters. Before, I was constantly fighting to be my own person. I didn’t WANT what the others wanted. And I was fighting them - now? Now I’m fighting with them. Now I can have a conversation about my desires, and they understand my pain. Before, Debra didn’t understand my desire to get rid of my chest, because she was trying to make the body hers. She was her own person and was trying to live like it. Now? Now she understands that, as part of this collective, I am part of her. Deep down, there was a part of her that wanted to be a man. That part was so, so strong, it split into me - the depressed closeted trauma holder who she used to see as pathetic, because all she could see was how much better she was.

If I’m her, and she’s me, and we’re part of this whole? How could we ever hate each other? (We’re dating now.)

By using parts language, I got listened to. I didn’t have to fight to be me. None of us did! And… that led to us being able to use our energy to actually exist. Rather than putting all of his energy into sexual jokes and dropping his voice, Curtis really found a love for voice acting. Does it matter that some of us share that interest? Not anymore! Makes perfect sense! Before, he would get so twisted up because “but if Wade likes this too, that means I’m not my own person.” Now he can recognize that, not only would multiple parts of a whole clearly like some of the same things, but. Different people can also like the same things!!! So - we are no longer having to fight to be our own people.

Aaa sorry I’m just gushing over parts language now. I gotta make dinner but:

TL;DR: We tried out core theory and it hurt us irrevocably. We tried “we’re all separate people” and had to fight, hard, to try and be individuals. It was only once we called ourselves parts of one whole that we could stop fighting each other, which gave us the chance to grow into our own interests, and say “fuck you” to doubts we had about being our own people.

#parts language my beloved #i want to kiss parts language on the mouth #syscourse #parts language #i still use alters btw #i still refer to us as different people sometimes #it’s not an all or nothing deal #but it IS beautiful #asks #anon

[violentviolette]

Honestly have no idea if this is a narc crash or bpd splitting episode, but when someone implies I'm not good enough or accidentally rejects me. Or doesn't fit my expectations or standards or whatever, I often just get so enraged and disappointed in myself. Then I get upset with them. I feel like, I should be getting what I want and what I need. I need them to see me for who I am, and adore me and respect me and see my worth. But when I just... struggle with my own self-esteem, I just... feel so awful. I just dissociate, I lose my appetite, I get angry easily, and my brain won't shut up about how this person rejected ME. How they don't like ME. That I'm *flawed*. That I'm worthless. I might get paranoid that they're talking about me behind my back, using info against me, or they may abandon me. I begin to start thinking I'm superior to them in every way, shape, or form. I split on them at one point, obvi. But, I just... I end up going back to unhealthy behaviours (being dysfunctional, not taking care of myself, being too hard on myself, trying to be too perfect all the time, etc.) as a way to cope with these feelings of worthlessness. I just... get extra "I'm envious and jealous of you" feelings, and constantly compare myself with others on small levels like how well they can brush their teeth or how much sleep deprivation can they truly handle? Or how good their imagination is?? Idk. I just... I get so incredibly lonely, frustrated, and push everyone away during these times. I just want nobody around me, but also need someone to validate me and my existence. Bc it's so hard to validate myself, all alone. Idk. What the hell is this experience? And what do I call it?

at it's core, that's a spiral. it sounds very much like a narc crash, but i also dont know much about how bpd splits feel and so i cant comment on how close it is to those, but thats very much how those spirals used to happen for me it's essentially a distress meltdown. so something upsetting happens, but because we never learned how to properly manage and handle distress, there's no framework to catch ourselves and validate ourselves, so we spiral down an abusive self hating rabbit hole. in an effort to claw our way out we attempt the maladaptive coping strategy of devaluing everything around us and everyone that hurt us because we dont know how to build ourselves up, only tear others down. but that doesnt actually work or give us real substantial comfort and so we just continue to wallow in lonely self hating misery and default to another maladaptive coping mechanism which is to purposefully reject the thing we need/want in order to further punish ourselves so if we want validation and connection, we self isolate and reject ppl and push them away. we unconsciously continue to punish and abuse ourselves because we learned during development that when we are rejected its because we fucked up, and if we fucked up we need and deserve to be punished, and so we unconsciously punish ourselves in place of our previous abusers but then our child-brain kicks in and tries to defend us from that punishment by again, devaluing and attacking everyone around us. because we also learned during our abuse that if someone hurts u, then u hurt them back to teach them a lesson. but none of these are real or healthy solutions so they dont make anything better, just worse dbt has a lot of good coping strategies and mechanisms to stop those disordered patterns and redirect behavior towards more healthy and sustainable coping mechanisms and distress tolerance. i'd definitly start there using some of those keywords to search for more reading on it. it's a slow process and it takes a lot of steps and it doesnt feel like its working at first, but if u force urself to practice those techniques over and over eventually they very much do click and u realize ur not hitting those spirals anymore and are able to stop them early on so u dont fall the whole way down

#jack.speaks #anon #npd #actually narcissistic #npd tag #cluster b #cluster b pd #narc crash #dbt

[sleepy-shutin]

content warning for discussion of sex/sexual intimacy below the cut. this is very long and dissociated and slightly triggered. Advice appreciated but not required.

i wish i could see more people talking about how to navigate sex and (sexual) intimacy with DID/sexual trauma.

my girlfriend has sexual trauma as well, so she understands a lot of it. she's shared quite a bit with me, but in a lot of ways it seems like she's way ahead of me in navigating her trauma. she doesn't have it fully processed or anything, it still affects her, that sort of thing is always going to affect a person, but it doesn't stop her from being a relatively happy person with what seems like a pretty healthy relationship to sex, all things considered. most of the time she really does seem to feel very comfortable with it, much more comfortable than i am.

i'm so dissociated from myself that i can't even imagine myself in a sexual situation without getting triggered, even though i/parts of me have been in completely consensual sexual situations with her before. the idea of being touched sexually makes me want to pull my skin off, and my boundaries and desires constantly flip flop rather inconsistently. it's hard to determine if i'm actually asexual or if i just need to help my body understand 'good touch' or something, since 90% of everything i've ever known (or parts of me) has been 'bad touch'.

half the time i struggle to even be able to verbalize any kind of sexual boundary because the shame and fear choke me. not that i necessarily force myself into situations i don't want to be in, but i struggle to be present, i struggle to verbalize what i want, i struggle to talk about the trauma or how i feel at all.

when we're together, it feels like i'm 'so close, yet so far' from her. i could reach out and touch her, but it's not my hand, it's not my body. fingertips tracing on her hips and belly, her chest, her face, but the sensation isn't there. i could tell her anything and everything, but my voice is somewhere else, it's saying other things and I can't find where it's coming from.

How am I supposed to be with her if I can't even muster up the courage to write down that I have sexual trauma on a piece of paper to give to a doctor? I can't say it, I can't say anything, and I can't say it to anybody in my life.

All I want is to be able to talk about it, to talk to her. I want to get over the shame, I want to know how to navigate this so that I can be present with her, but I can't. Even now, I'm pretty sure I just switched in the middle of writing this because I can't handle talking about it without losing myself.

I hardly even remember most of it, and yet it's so deeply pervasive, so wound into my mind that nothing can cut through it. It's in my head, too close to the brain stem to remove it; inoperable. It'll be there forever, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Left At London's song Choke is something that speaks to me quite a bit. The softness, the intimacy, the hesitance, the desire, the longing.

"Turn the lights off, baby Can you heal my heart? Can you choke me harder Before I fall apart?"

"Turn the lights off, baby Can I make you come? If I can't feel pleasure Can I give you some?"

That last part especially resonates with me as someone who is stone. I hate saying it's because of the trauma, it makes me feel like another part of me is just becoming defined by all of the worst things I've ever experienced, but likely is. I probably wouldn't be like this if I weren't such a deeply fucked up person.

Lately I've been finding myself disconnected from myself sexually. I have the desire, but I struggle to feel any of it physically for any significant length of time, but this lyric is comforting.

I'm starting to lose track of what this is even about, probably because it's 04:00 in the morning now, I'm tired, I'm dissociated, I've had this on my mind for ages.

I just don't know how to be like this. I don't know how to work through it, or around it. I never see people talking about this or how to be with someone when you're like this. I barely even know what I want because I'm so badly dissociated from myself and everything around me. No amount of self experimentation is going to make sense or change things for me, no amount of practicing talking about it in the mirror or in a journal makes it any easier, no amount of my girlfriend being understanding and accommodating of the modicum of bullshit I've told her about makes it any easier.

In fact, for reasons I haven't been able to pinpoint, her being so accommodating feels even worse than if she weren't receptive. I don't know why. She listens, she tells me it's okay, she doesn't judge me, and it makes me want to pull my skin off.

Maybe it's the schizoid traits acting up, I don't know.

It feels like I'm getting too close to something so hot and bright that I'll burn up if I get too close. When we touch, it's like the energy inside of us will kill us both.

I don't know, maybe I'm just too fucked up to fix this right now. Maybe it won't get fixed. Maybe it's nothing, maybe I'm just weird for no reason. I already forgot most of what I wrote here. I need to go to bed. Maybe I'll delete this later.

#txt #s #??? #minors dni

[alostlittleriverlotus]

being constantly projected onto as if I'm not even a person makes me so delusional. It's one reason why I especially hate the narc abuse folks. It genuinely makes me dissociate, delusional, and struggle to feel real or have a sense of reality. And dissociation+delusion is NOT a fun time. Like everyone in my life typically projects onto me anyway, but it's why that stupid narc abuse and any kind of ableism towards PDs pisses me off especially not. I am sent into a spiral of the same unpleasant terrifying loss of self and the world around me feelings that I get if I fight with my abusive parents. I start to lose touch with anyone around me as if they aren't real, I can't see myself as a person, I feel I am only made up of what other people make me, and it is so terrifying and dangerous.

But even just my own friends projecting into me makes me so upset. I don't want your emotions and your trauma projected into me. It makes me feel even less than normal, feel more apathetic than before, feel my emotions become even more muted and diluted. People begin to feel like puppets surrounding me. Quit projecting your trauma and emotions onto me, I don't like emotions anyway. This was mostly inspired from me telling my friend I was upset and then them saying I made them feel incapable cause of intrusive thoughts, something all the shitty people in their life do. And they know that hurts me since I am especially always being the good force in their life. All I did was get upset about our roleplays and change my mind then I'm treated as if I was putting them down. I hate how much my reactions of being so muted in emotions and changing my mind and being upset leads to others projecting onto me trauma of their abusers. Especially when I have worked so hard to stop being abusive and not be toxic and to undo the shitty things I've said to them before.

I'm not abusive for existing. My friend especially knows this as they're my safe person, but it hurt. I cannot express my emotions without being lumped in cause of their thoughts telling them and reacting that way. And I get so tired of dealing with it. Partly cause I will never be able to be relied on for help again since it's directly linked with my trauma from losing my friends. I hate being projected onto. I hate me existing being turned into only what others perceive me as. My emotions, my existence is a trigger for other people even my safe person. And living with that fucking hurts. And it makes me mad too. I want to be living, I want to be real, I want to feel like a person, but I am constantly treated as if I am not.

My friend and I are fine, we talked it out and it wasn't a big deal. It was one thing and I called them out for it right away. But the hurt is still there. I work so hard to be good for them, to provide the positivity and love that they need since they're surrounded by people who disrespect them and belittle them and then me being unhappy about something leads to them getting defensive and reacting just hurts.

My entire life even as a kid, I was projected onto. By my parents, my brothers, my "friends" and shallow relationships. I was autistic and treated as if I wasn't even really a person. Punished for things I never understood, demonized in my most important years, treated as an outlet for people's emotions and if I didn't respond perfectly, I was an awful abusive selfish person. I feel so little like my own person. And I hate it. Especially now with how I'm embracing my apathy, my antisociality, my schizoid stuff and reclaiming the way I react, allowing myself to be what is natural instead of desperately playing up who I am for the sake of acceptance. I'm pretty meh to it overall from other people aside from narc abuse folks triggering delusions and dissociation in me. But coming from my safe person, it hurts. I'm endlessly patient cause I know they're still healing, but it still hurts. It makes me want to hide away my feelings and lie, but then that just causes more problems. Again, my friend and I are fine, I'm just spilling emotions. And getting out the way I feel about myself and how I'm treated by others. For my friend's family, I am just the abusive controlling friend that steals them away from them. For my parents, I am the weird not quite right entitled brat. So few people actually see me unmasked and by that I mean, only MA. So to have them project onto me when they know it's triggering for me and hurts me is a reminder. It's more her trauma than actual projection, but it still makes me feel hollow and unreal. And for such a person like me with such a fragile grip on reality, that is so damaging.

#delusional #dissociation #projection #actually narcissistic #actually antisocial #actually schizoid #alexithymia #actually autistic #personality disorders #personal rambles #actually histrionic #actually borderline #traumatized #unreal #feeling unreal #hurt #safe person #cptsd #antisocial #narcissistic #schizoid #semiverbal #semispeaking

[scarsmood]

may i ask why you support endogenic systems? genuinely curious on your thoughts on it.

Tldr; they’re cool. Idm. The rest of this devolves into me bursting into flames. So popcorn is recommended.

They fuck, putting on my little shit glasses. Here’s what I can say diagnostic criteria as someone with diagnosed DID is kinda fucking awful. Our system for people with mental illnesses isn’t comprehensive, it isn’t all knowing, we also don’t account for so much shit it’s scary.

I have so many endogenic friends. I can’t give a fuck. Their existence doesn’t effect mine. Language is a different story something I see a lot. My only ask is that an endogenic system doesnt claim they fully understand a DID system which ive seen in syscourse. That’s just not gonna happen similar to lived experiences issues. Their different experiences and thats fine.

I think tolerance is a better word for me. Because i am system aggressive and it doesnt discriminate. You put me near other systems because of previous abuse from other traumagenic systems im prone to lash out. I just can’t conntect well like I used to.

So i tolerate all of you. Equally. I don’t see a reason to discriminate. I’ve seen some abuse on both ends and don’t think its a systematic issue rather a individuals are assholes problem.

Honestly? Seems more like a huge distraction to have a little war this way to distract from the rampant abuse all systems face. We should all agree its bullshit theres no accommodations, systems aren’t prevalent in academics yet. Thats a bigger issue. If you wanna spend time helping people with say DID or accomodations related to their plurality id take a dip into academic papers and see how bad it really is.

Let’s set the stage and remind ourselves.

In 2010 it was okay to force integrate systems

In the early 2000’s and 90’s endogenics and traumagenic systems didnt have much of any significant voice in medical settings. Typically treated as schitzophrenia for BOTH.

In the 1980’s it was okay and normal to overdose a paitent with DID and kill them. Then claim it was an alter.

When i see people fight over endogenic systems. I want to scream st them thats not the point. When I was being told by my first therapist to be very careful as a 14 year old because its a very real fear i will be experimented on without my consent.

I wonder why the FUCK endogenics are even on peoples radar. When I do intensive EMDR for years that cost me thousands of dollars out of pocket. I work fulltime jobs JUST to go to therapy.

This blog is my fun haha blog where I go to disconnect. Tomorrow im waking up at 7am to drive for intensive therapy getting myself in debt and picking up new meds for my DID.

Nothing about plurality is even remotely safe yet. Not safe enough to bicker about why endos should stay in their lane. We have a common enemy. Endogenic systems have so much information to. They know how to communicate without dissociation. I envy thag because DID costs me past 7k its a car at this point. Probably more.

Why would i not support someone whose got their shit figured out? I respect the hell out of that. I just don’t see why their an issue. Not when I have to listen to my disability officer tell me im not disabled enough. I have to argue with someone dipshit that my pain isn’t farfetched and I will experience very real consequences without accommodations.

I love playing the victim though. Traumagenic systems are noteably more unstable than endogenic systems. We are literally disordered. Im system aggressive because i cannot stand to see functionality in other systems. Ive watched traumagenic systems tear into endogenics, raid their spaces and spew hate in the name of ???

Happens on both sides. Like i said but its easier to pretend were the victims. Im just very tired of going through therapy, life, and social interactions at a disadvantage. Endogenic systems remind me theres people like me who are a little different who maybe arent as fucked. I think thats cool. Because its hard for me to tell if im gonna make it or not. I like the inspiration.

You caught me at a bad time anon ask me again after im done with some of the hardest choices ive had to make in my life

#rant #tw

[kurtcore]

everyday i try convince myself im happy not passing maybe im more femme anyways its fine my doctors are blocking me from starting t and getting top surgery i can live with it. and then i go online and see how happy trans people can be and it depresses the fuck out of me. like im not happy im forcing myself to live in a state of fuckin dissociation and denial so i dont kms. like im being denied relationships both romantic and platonic bc i hate myself so much and i dont pass that either option of just girlmode or come out and basically force them to use he/him whatever when they probably think im a tranny freak that they read about on the news w fucking cat pronouns or whatever. i see 15 year olds get top surgery and start t and i’m so jealous. im so jealous and sad and lonely in this fucking body. if i stop and think abt it for even a second i want to burst into tears and never leave my room which i cant do so i just have to force myself to not think about it and keep going to work keep going to school this is my life no living just loneliness and fucking online purchases and doing drugs to try force myself to be happy

#whateverrr

[selvesdiscovery]

hi .. we want to stay on anon for this one due to the nature of the question. Alright, so ... We're disordered, and I wasn't aware of my system for a long time, and because of how our trauma works, I'm basically frontstuck and I hate it. I struggled to communicate with my headmates, and most had to learn how to co-front because we'd never done it before. I wanted to leave front completely because I just want a break, I know that's normal and not too bad.

So about the more disconcerting part ... In working to front switch more, we started noticing more heavy amnesia we didn't notice before due to me always being the one in front. The biggest is time loss (which is much less of a blackout and more of a dilation, but idk if that's because I don't completely lose consciousness?), but I also struggle to remember more than even the most basic of events if I'm far from front, random switches are happening way more often, things like that. I'm losing the control I didn't realize I had over us.

My point is, though, that .... I kind of like it, honestly? I really like it. I'm so much happier like this. I trust my headmates to do whatever's needed without me, being able to rotate things out more consistently is a huge weight off of me, the amnesia/time loss is actually a relief because I meticulously over-analyze every single action the body does. My desire to present as "sane" to singlets grows less and less every day, especially since we're already nonworking and unable to drive due to separate circumstances. I feel myself wanting to get to the point where I'm so far in back that I don't get shaky and fearful and forced back into the front seat when somebody in outerworld "requires" me. Not forever, because I have partners in the system and out and a life I want to live, but I crave that disconnect I or others in my system can sometimes initiate.

Would it be wrong of me to not discourage these aspects of our system normally considered "disordered"? I really don't mind not remembering things, my headmates remind me, and my qpp is usually there to tell me what I missed. I already have other memory problems so it feels more like accepting them. Random switches are only mildly annoying at best, and have only caused trouble when a singlet in outerworld expects something of me. Letting go of control and letting my headmates figure things out has been a relief and a blessing, a freedom from the exhaustion I constantly feel. It's also been improving the mental health of the headmates we rotate out with.

But I know these aspects are quite literally part of *why* we're disordered. I know some aspects of disabilities are only disabling because we live in a society catered to the "abled" side of the false dichotomy. But I see people around the system community saying encouraging dissociation and memory separation is dangerous, wrong, and anti-recovery. We... Really need an outside opinion, if that's alright.

TLDR: Is it wrong to encourage dissociative aspects of our system when it's drastically improving our mental health?

Hi!! Thanks for reaching out anon.

Honestly, not at all. I'm super happy for you, and very glad that you take comfort in the aspects of yourselves that are meant to be disordered.

If it makes you feel any better, we entirely relate. The amnesia, dissociation, time loss, losing control, switching a lot, especially when triggered or overwhelmed, are all extremely helpful and beneficial to us. Of course they're inconvenient sometimes, and unpleasant when we try to present as sane like you said, but they formed to protect us. They literally came to be to make us feel better. There's no shame in being relieved and grateful for these coping mechanisms your brain has built in for you.

There's also no shame if they end up getting more difficult at some point. The state of your symptoms with OSDDID is notoriously fluid, it's okay if you hate your symptoms and just want to be "normal" one day, and are grateful for everything they do for you the next. There's no shame in wanting to step back, dissociate, and block everything out from time to time, or even all the time.

We are very proud of you for finding happiness where you are. Never feel pressured to change that for anybody. The most invaluable thing a trauma survivor could possibly feel is happy with themselves. Being happy or content will never ever be anti-recovery, the entire goal of trauma recovery is to be happy and accept yourself. It would only be anti-recovery if it remained maladaptive, and hurt you more than it helped, yet you continued to lean in onto it. Clearly, you're& doing great. Keep it up!

#Mod Cyn 💥 #plurality #headmates #anon #ask #osddid #traumagenic #disordered #self acceptance

[beastofwant]

I didn't bring up autism because frankly I'm terrified of doing that, but she doesn't seem to think that I have ADHD, rather, she thinks that my ADHD-like symptoms are effectively because of my PTSD. The parts of my brain meant to remember things don't work right because of my over-active amygdala, on top of the dissociation.

They looked at my results and were shocked that I'm not in school. I apparently have a very high IQ, especially when it comes to... Verbal something. I'm simultaneously letting this stroke my ego-I've earned it, I'm smart- and laughing because, well. Elon Musk has an IQ in the 150s and yet look where it got him. It cannot make me happy, it cannot save me from the machine of Capital. Hehe!

I told them I'd like to eventually go to mortuary school and make a difference in that field, but I don't know if that's what I'd actually like at all. Maybe someday, but not in the easily-foreseeable future... The idea of going to school itself makes me feel overwhelmed. I don't want to have to do anything, or be anything. I don't want to have to be a Specific thing doing a Specific job. It'll make me want to die, what an awful cage and a worse way to live.

Truthfully, I don't dream of or long for any labor... Even labor which I would at first find fulfilling I would become quickly exhausted by.

If I were able to make ends meet on SSI and my art alone, I would rather do that than force myself to work knowing that I am eventually going to burn out and be unable to continue working and then be thrust into the violent ouroboros of homelessness I am just now barely stepping out of. If I had to live it all again, I would choose not to.

Take that as you will, I just know how much I'm willing to suffer, is all.

Being told that I have potential feels weird.

I heard it a lot growing up. Often punctuated with "If only you would apply yourself."

I don't know if I like people knowing that I'm smart, and I don't know how to feel in general about Human Intent. Do they want to help me for earnest reasons-because I'm a human-or is my worth (and thus, their eagerness to support me) dependant on my perceived Value as a Worker?

I feel like I've lived on the fringes of society for so long that, now I'm being given an opportunity, I almost want to turn away from it. I've fought just to be able to live, for 5 years now. And now I just have to... Go back into society, after all that? I won't ever be domesticated, I'll tell you that much.

I won't abandon this either, it's foolish to not get this Help and Support, but I hate how at the end of it all, I'm only going to scrape by because of... Well, it's a sort of eugenics, isn't it? Because I'm "useful" and "smart". Wretched.

#mad scrawl