#gotta be a little mentally unwell to be mentally well etc etc etc

[soldier-poet-king]

"I hope this doesn't awaken anything in me" except tracing patterns between my recurring favourite character types has ended with me being pepe silvia as I slowly come to the realization that all the awful weak parts of me are apparently interconnected in ways I havent fully grasped yet

It is. Occurring to me. That I have an extremely fucked up relationship with the notion of consent??? Like not just in a sexy way but also in an everyday normal general way. And this is related to dissociation as a coping mechanism but also dissociation as something I often find comforting, in a way. Which is linked to my desperate need for control and my obsessive freak behaviours (à la ocd and need for certainty) but also how desperately tired I am of being in control and how I want nothing more than to just let go entirely and let someone else be in charge. Which ofc doesn't work because there's no scenario in which I can be forced to give up control entirely, nor is there anyone I actually would fully wholly trust in that level of complete and utter control. Which ofc I guess also links to my god as lover thing, in a way, BC this is all probably applicable in a divine way and in an everyday way and in a sexy way, what do I know. But also my deep awful need to be cared for instead of caretaking, which again circles back to trust, and also issues of obedience and people pleasing and submission to duty. And how the servitude of people pleasing can be both comforting and full of ecstasy because I still have a 'use' and that use is the purpose (y'know like. The Clarified in Baru Cormorant. I'm not looking at it, I refuse to acknowledge it), but it's also a defense mechanism and a habit born out of self preservation and fear and something I hate doing and hate about myself. And how can it be both those things, which brings us back to consent. Personhood????

I'm. Hm.

Normally this is smthn I would say hey we should journal and keep ur thoughts to urself but also we never ever acknowledge or talk about this stuff ever and I feel like an unwell little freak who is fundamentally shattered in ways I am only beginning to understand and I'm just!!! Oh!! Oh i am realizing things and I don't know if that's good or not. And why don't we talk about these things in non therapy ways I am going insane in my own head

#the duality of fran #therapists want to study me like a bug 😘 #<-is literally an insane little freak #maybe sometimes u gotta step outside urself to analyze ur behaviour like ur a blorbo #gotta be a little mentally unwell to be mentally well etc etc etc #i SHOULD be focusing on good productive thinfs #get back into the bells of nagasaki. cleaning. duty and tasks. the greater good of the world #not my obsessive navel gazing self analysis. #its not important because i dont think its fixable #but yknow. obsessive need for control in all situations including my own mind ans feelings #idek why im like this #its not one of those things that can point to one defining event or trauma #but neither do i think it's just genetics #it is a culmination of life maybe. the long years of nurture. in the nature vs nurture sense #or maybe it is nature and im just fundamentally. unwell. #im just. thinking. and its uncomfortable and im not sure i like this

[mediocre-quill-ink]

Medic relationship headcanons

He loves to have his hair played with

He loves, and I mean, LOVES the feeling of you lying on his chest

If his doves ever have babies, he'll absolutely let you name some

He'll absolutely give you morbid things as gifts.

Once, he tried to give you a whole ass heart. Still bleeding and everything

He'll give you neat teeth and bones if you'd like

He'd certainly appreciate if you did the same

If you found him curiosities as gifts as well he'd fawn over you oml

Vintage medical equipment, old medical records, jars of teeth, skulls, etc

I'm sure he'd love a date at the atsus Museum of osteopathic medicine

He doesn't like a lot of pda. If you're both at work and try to flirt with him or feel him up, he'll be dismissive. Just waving his hand and going "not now, love I'm busy" or "time and place, dear" or "I'm trying to plant explosives in his organs, later darling." But when your both home alone it's a diffrent story.

Extremely affectionate and caring.

One of his main love languages is physicality. Kisses, hand holding, caressing your curves. Man is in love with your body.

He studies your body a lot. Not just in the medical sense, but he's always feeling feeling you up. Taking note of freckles, curves, scars, hair texture. sensitive places, everywhere you like to be touched.

He has you maped out in his head dude.

He probably knows your body better than you do tbh.

He loves late night cuddling

I already mentioned he loves you lying on top of him, but he adores being little spoon, too.

He absolutely talks about you to his doves

Sometimes when you walk in they coo at you and he gets embarrassed.

"Archimedes shush! I told you to keep that private!"

You just smile. No clue what's going on.

When you asked him out, it was a rough start to the relationship

Don't get me wrong he was down right obsessed with you

But man he was shocked when you reciprocated the feelings.

You were perfect. Down right charming. Great fighter. Attractive as hell. But he. He was the insane doctor. The Dr. frankenstein, the mad man, the one to be feared. He was never able to keep a relationship for long in the past.

When you asked him out he straight up said "are you sure?"

You, of course said "yes..." and he said, "I always thought whoever would fall in love with me would be... mentally unwell?"

He was thinking outloud. He meant that as a complement. "Like, oh! Someone who's not a complete freak" but obviously, it didn't sound like a positive thing.

You panicked and stormed out. Definitely avoided him for a few days.

But even everything was explained, clarified, cleared. Once you both were on the same page that there was a miscommunication, and you started dating

MAN

He's a true romantic in his own way.

Again. He'll definitely bring out morbid gifts

Horror movie dates

Get loves SAW and Repo! I'm sure

If your comfortable with it you'll have surgery dates. He'll teach you to do fucked up surgeries too.

"No, my darling. You put the rib back in like this." *proceeds to hold your hands (romantically) and guide you, putting the rib back to where it was like that one pottery scene*

On some dates, he'd play the squeez box for you. Some boyfriends play guitar for their partner, but he? The accordion.

And you gotta give him credit. it's a complex instrument.

He takes literal notes of all the little things you like

He's writing what you assume to be work while you're talking to him in his lab. And he's just taking notes on what you're saying

Info dump to him all you like. He thinks it's adorable.

He's definitely autistic as well.

You both will talk to each other for hours on end about each other's fixations

Once you said someone was hitting on you in a not very respectful way to say the least and he got very defensive.

He offered you, if it made you feel better, that he'd love to experiment on them with some painful new ideas he had. Mk ultra type shit.

He loves going dancing with you. Slow dancing or swinging. He loves to dance.

He finds slow dancing to be incredibly romantic, again. Intimacy is everything to him

But if you wanna to do something more active, like swinging (How did they dance in the 60s?) He's more than happy to

I feel like he just loves to move around. He loves moving his legs around.

Sexual:

To start this man is a switch

100%

So to start. His dom side

Praises you to heaven and back.

He'll stroke you cheek or graise your tight and whisper the sweetest things while your fighting for your life frfr

He LOVES to overstim you if you let him. Rip fr if you do.

He's a sadistic fucker. Don't forget this.

He loves to watch you plead and cry and shake and beg desperately to cum

You'll be tied up and crying, edged endlessly, and begging to cum. It hurts too bad :( and he's just smiling sweetly, the flame after sadism in his eyes, stroking your hair and saying, "Just a little bit longer, my dearest. You can do it, love. I believe in you. Can you go a little longer?" You agree. And he keeps torturing you, this time a bit harder.

"You're doing great, darling."

Overstim, bondage, light cnc, etc. He's sadistic.

But now let's talk about sub medic.

Man, he loves to be tied up.

Especially with his hands above his head

He's into pegging/getting dicked down

He loves being big and scary but man he love feeling fragile and precious too.

Make him feel like he's the only man in the world.

He also likes pain though frfr

Hair pulling, spanking, just being grabbed and thrown around, really. Make him feel like a doll.

I feel like he low key likes being punched sometimes, too

Roleplay.

People always say he's into doctor/patient roleplay which I think is true

But like only sometimes

I feel like he's really into fantasy type shit

Siren and sailor, royal and servent, painter and muse, vampire and victim, etc.

Yes, he enjoys both roles for each one.

#tf2 #tf2 medic x reader #medic x reader tf2 #medic x reader #medic headcanons #medic headcanons tf2 #medic #medic tf2 #tf2 medic

[deadgrantaires]

[sigh] gonna go off a little bit. in the privacy of my own blog. as im allowed lol

been rotating that post about ‘weve gotta stop saying shit like just have to make it through this shift just have to make it through this week etc and just live in and appreciate the moment’ and i dont think that that post is wrong and i think that the loop of ‘gotta just make it through this thing!’ mentality can be very damaging and like. hm. i think i am struggling with that idea Anew now like. becaaaause i am now disabled

and perhaps i havent found like. the clarity or wisdom i need to not be feeling this way but like. there is such a huge difference for me personally in dealing with all my mental health issues to me dealing with all my physical health issues and i think it does come down to like a well we cant reframe our way out of this one boys U_U

which again like i dont think that post was trying to make a statement for ALL PEOPLE i dont think it was callous or wrong at all im reading it in the best faith its more that i feel i have somehow made myself a personal little hell by rotating that around and then feeling. like ive failed in some form by getting ovrwhelmed by my week and dreading the days and unsure how to just keep going bc like. man. its all so much harder to do when im not just mentally drained at the end of a sh1ft but also physically unwell in several ways lol

i really wish there was a way to feel less dread and less. constant frustration that im just barely getting through and i THINK im doing basically all that i can by trying out different ways to cope with my new and evolving disabilities. being so brave about not just giving up completely and still trying to self care by having like nice meals for myself and keeping food stocked and. a more physically manageable haircut and such lol. but then i get like tonight where i just cant pay attention to anything bc my body is in too much pain to indulge my hobbies and my brain is too much gone for me to enjoy anything more passive like a book or movie. i try to be so. accepting of my disability. and try to be at peace with it. and it helps immensely being around other disabled friends and that solidarity but like god yknow. im tired. and im frustrated. and i dont want to go to w0rk tomorrow U_U

#again all jsut personal rambling about my own experieinces... im allowed lol #my roommates asleep so i cant talk to him rn so im just talking in privacy of my blog lol

[beef-strokinoff]

erik is a 40 or 50 something year old kissless virgin who has never had a normal social interaction in his whole life his only real social skills are 1) hide from ppl 2) trick ppl into thinking he's a ghost/angel 3) murder ppl thats it those are his only means of getting what he wants from people the only relationships he has that come even a little bit close to normal is with madame giry and the persian and even then he still lies to them so with all this in mind it's obvious that he's completely inexperienced and unequipped to navigate a romantic and/or sexual relationship which means he has neither the charisma nor the confidence to be seductive and sexy thats why in order to get a girl to talk to him he decided to pretend to be a supernatural being instead of just being himself and when he does start being himself things go downhill instantly because as an angel he had power over christine and his interactions with her plus it allowed him to keep a (metaphorical and literal) wall between them to protect himself but as just a guy he's much more vulnerable and he is absolutely not emotionally mature enough to deal with being in a position where he has to talk to her and be in the same room with her as an equal which is why he tries to control her throughout the book through force (kidnapping her, threatening to kill everyone including himself if she doesn't become his waifu, etc) maybe if he had just been normal and brought her flowers or something after a performance and went from there things could've worked out better between them but the other thing is that she's like 20 something, he's old enough to be her father which on it's own isn't great but even if everything went exactly how he wanted and she married him in like. 10.. 20, maybe 30 years she'd have to dump his ass into a retirement home but also in the meantime sex could be a problem because my man is not only middle aged and a virgin he's also been living in a cellar for ??? years so you know he's gotta be physically as well as mentally unwell by now how likely is it that peepaw can keep up with someone in their 20s he doesn't seem very sexually motivated in the book like he was fully prepared to never take his mask off around christine until she yoinked it so i doubt he would've dropped his pants like any kind of physical intimacy just never seemed to occur to him until the very end and all that was was the most chaste kiss imaginable and even with that he was super timid about it erik did you really think you could just do card tricks and play music all day for your wife and she would be happy about it??? you didn't think that if you managed to get a wife that she might want you to fuck her??? if you don't have low self esteem now you definitely will when you realize her recovery time is 10 minutes and yours is.. much much longer and given how good he is at dealing with people and his own emotions (sarcasm) it would definitely become an issue i'm mostly talking about leroux erik here but i think some of this still applies to the younger and hotter alw erik like if u think that he's a sexy dude you've fallen for the front he puts up anyway all this is to say that i think the thing where christine is soo horny about him that she runs back and has wild nasty sex with him at the last minute sucks like if ur gonna do that with your adaptation at least do what susan kay did and have him die afterwards (death by pussy is funny)

idk i just think the reason erik is sexy is not because he is sexy. its because when you peel back the paper thin and incredibly performative veneer of sexiness he puts up you see that he's actually the most pathetic and irritating lil guy you'll ever meet underneath. and i think thats special. smiles

[idio-cies]

Tine and Anxiety

How are people feeling? Knowing that tomorrow is the last episode of this beautiful series? Sad? Excited? Don’t want it to be over? Same

Welp, this may or may not hurt when reading and probably won’t be my last meta/analysis on this series. Anyways... This is a long post folks, so make sure you are sitting comfortably.

I am almost certain that Tine accentuates some kind of anxiety.

I don’t like diagnosing people, but this is just something that I deeply relate Tine with. As a person who has CFS/ME with depression and anxiety, who also has a best friend with severe anxiety, my mum and sister also having depression as well as having many other friends with mental health issues revolving around anxiety and/or depression and doing a lot research both on anxiety and depression. I know the ins and outs of these mental illnesses. I will not go into further detail because as I am trying by hardest to not sound like an obnoxious twat whilst writing this.

I came across this article so I could check that I was right about relationship anxiety which Tine does express. This is pretty self-explanatory so you can read at your own leisure if you wish, but as a brief summary relationship anxiety most likely comes out of previous bad relationships, low self-esteem an attachemnt style one has grown up with in childhood (honestly this is another thing entirely, I talk a little bit about this here), but also relies on knowing oneself, having good communication etc.It just screams out here.

I need to clear things up as well before I really start getting in deep. It is correct that every human being has self-doubt, it is intrinsic to the human psyche, there is no doubt about it, unless you are self-righteous or have learnt that you are loved and you can love yourself a healthy amount, then good for you! This video is a good summary of how disliking oneself is natural human response

Now, where anxiety related to Tine comes in is the fact that he ruminates, he worries excessively and his automatic response to things going wrong he places on himself, and just in general has such a deep lack of self-worth and self-love that all you wanna do is cuddle him all day. This takes it further than what a normal human beings response is. 

Tine obsesses, and as a result makes him spiral and becomes unwell. Rumination is both a feature of Anxiety and depression. This is where things get tricky because Depression and Anxiety work hand in hand, with some traits crossing over (such as rumination), you can also have panic attacks with depression as well. The reason why I think it is anxiety is because of how things morphed with Tine, how he worried himself to be literally sick on more than one occasion

and it looks like he does the same this week. You can see the IV and how he is laying 

and he doesn’t to eat

This is not “normal human behaviour”. Worrying so much it makes you ill is one thing (see article here), but actively avoiding food is another thing. It’s another response people have when they are under extreme stress, though people can also over eat.

My analysis of “Escape” supports rumination.

There is no category that I will place him. I will leave this article here for people to go through if they are interested (I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of links, I just want to prove what I’m saying). 

so, when we meet Tine he seems like this ball of energy, he comes across as self-righteous with his Mr Chic facade

But that’s the thing: it’s a facade, it’s a coping mechanism, which shields him. I wouldn’t say that this is a classic example of anxiety as anyone can put up a front to hide all sorts of things. I know that I used to have facades or personalities I use in front of people.

Anyway, this Mr. Chic persona was all that, a persona, he took refuge in it. Which is why we see the comeback of it in ep 9 as he was experiencing some stage fright mixed with a heck of a lot of self-doubt and stress, which Green had identified was a coping mechanism!!!!

This front was used in order to block himself from being hurt, from rejection and from life in general, as well as of course criticism. His friends aren’t the brightest bunch, though evidently Fong (bless his heart) is very emotionally intelligent and let us know that they were aware of Tine and how he self-imposes on himself, has to prove his worth etc

This explains why he was so fatalistic in ep 11

Because he is still putting himself on trial and their relationship

It was legit after the tree got trodden on it all went wrong 

Poor Nuisance Tree... RIP

Anyway, but as friends do, they tease each other, which is ultimately something that Tine is afraid of. He doesn’t like the teasing. Based on my perspective of teasing, I bite back with teasing, but it may be because it’s because I am sensitive about it. Tine by no means has my temper, so it doesn’t surprise me if he is effected and is scared to be teased because in all actuality, he is sensitive about those topics. 

Next, he gets obsessed. People noticed about not moving on from Sarawat, there are a few explanations. 1. they needed it for Sarawat’s popularity to broadcast it 2. I bet you Tine got intrigued 3. potentially, he got obsessed with the idea. Tine was adamant to “get rid of Green” this in of itself was an obsession and no fucking wonder it backfired. Some, “normal, healthy” people I’m sure would’ve moved on, but oh no, not this dumbass quartet

Which is another thing. He is heavily influenced by his friends. Naturally, a person listen and adapt their thinking to their peers, but some don’t and are adamant in their thoughts. What gets me here is that Tine practically doesn’t allow himself to think for himself very much. I mean, it’s natural to go to friends for advice, but he was always very quick to go “yeah you’re right”. He is too easily swayed by what his friends tell him or their philosophies. Go look at episode 8 1/4 6:50 onwards. He concludes so quickly... Though I guess in this round, he felt it was right.

As soon as he sees one “fit” per se, that is it, which is apt as he is always been on the search for “the one”

(It will not surprise me if this series does full circle, and has Tine going to Sarawat once more as Sarawat did all of the chasing after this... kinda)

Tine can make up his mind very quickly once he sees fit. The only time he has really made sense and not listened to his friends fully was when he realised he loved Sarawat, and he went hell for leather on proving himself in episode 9. 

Tine had to prove himself in order to be worthy of Sarawat to love him, he thought he had failed, but Sarawat showed him a different perspective. Sarawat is very good at comforting Tine and showing him a new perspective... 

Sarawat is so good in this scene, because he tells Tine (in their little hypothetical language) that it is up to Tine is in control (which he felt he wasn’t), that Sarawat won’t pressure him, and that he is enough just as he is. That he doesn’t need to prove himself.

To a degree he helps every time, but as I have said before, if Tine is anything like me, those affirmations are useless after a couple hours max.

This post and also this one are really good at explaining Sarawat, and my perception of the last episode, so please also give those a read because I don’t want to repeat and make this even longer than it is! I do not blame Sarawat, and understand that it is human to make mistakes, which is also why I am making this post, because Tine is also wrong and is not helping their relationship or himself!!!

The time when he did believe in them was during episode 10 with Type in the house... it was extraordinary

Sorry I love Sarawat’s reaction to this

It’s like “Okay, you got it, why you gotta be so cute tho” 

Then the next week it goes downhill again and he believes that he is the one causing everything to go wrong (ahem, look at the first article)

He puts all the blame on himself... But Sarawat was always there to tell him that it was okay, that he was there with him, never got angry, just gave him smiles and headpats galore while looking at him with all the love in the world

I had to add in the “lets go to bed” bit here 

because I feel like it’s under appreciated. Sarawat was continuously telling Tine “we can look for it later, lets focus on this for now” and did a little nod. He was trying to help Tine not feel so bad, he recognised it and tried to give him comfort. He tried setting an agenda, so that Tine didn’t need to be overwhelmed with processing too many things if that makes any sense? He cares a lot and knew it was bothering him. It didn’t work as Tine was riddled with guilt, so he wasn’t satiated by it unfortunately, but this trip really did churn everything up :/ 

It’s just super hard to get Tine to feel alright in himself, but Sarawat is so lovely about it all. He loves Tine so much, so this week is going to hurt so bad when Tine tries to break things off as it is just going to be so difficult to make sure Tine is secure in himself and the relationship... I better stop

The fact that this is the state Tine puts himself in, again and again screams anxiety to me. The facade kept things up for a while, but I would not be surprised if this is how he went through life for quite some time. Plus the fact that Type also shows this need for a facade by trying to be a perfectionist is very interesting as well. 

Of course, I can be wrong in all of this. Please don’t hold me to it, but as a person who profoundly resonates with Tine, and would consider myself to be well versed in anxiety, I think that Tine most likely does have a form of anxiety. He just takes “self-doubt” to the next level. 

As always I am welcome to discussion! Credits to those blogs with the posts I linked to! 

Thank you for reading, I hope you guys are all staying safe, and I look forward to tomorrows episode ^-^ 

I am so not ready to let it go 😭😭

#2gether #2gether the series #sarawatine #Tine #tine teepakorn #sarawat #milly talks

[queerzaza]

submission

loooooong post, sorry mobile users!

I’ve followed you for years and always enjoyed seeing your posts on my dash, but never had the opportunity to message you. I guess I’m breaking a 3 year (!!) streak lol. This one is a lengthy multi-parter, so apologies ahead of time: Just a little about me. I’m fairly pragmatic when it comes to love. I met a kind-hearted boy at 20, and although he wasn’t my type at the time, something about him called to me. He was scrawny, ginger, and partially color-blind; and seemed like my perfect match in an odd, mixed up package. Like, he was perfect, but assembled weirdly. I’ll elaborate on that in a minute.

He drew me in and I ended up losing my virginity, and falling into a 7 year long relationship after the fact. I was happy. He spoiled me rotten and gave me every bit of love that had been lacking in my life up until that point. He was with me through losses, deaths, and moving across the country. It’d always been my dream to move to California; something about it called to me, and he indulged me with a reckless roadtrip across the country, with no prospects and little money.

It wasn’t until recently that things…changed. Not for him. He still loves me as fiercely as he did the first year, albeit a little more jadedly. (I’m not an easy woman to get along with.) What changed was…something odd. Here’s where I elaborate on earlier.

So, like I mentioned earlier, I’m fairly pragmatic when it comes to love. HOWEVER. I’ve always had these recurring dreams for as far back as I can remember about a specific person. It was always this red-haired boy with red converses who kind of lingered in the back of my dreams. His most defining characteristics were those shoes and the smell of the ocean. He was this awkward, insecure dream kid with a big heart and a thousand ideas about how the world worked. I remember him so clearly because he as a constant in my dreams. He grew with me, and changed, and I kind of had the feeling that I’ve been searching for this specific dream someone my entire life. As far back as I can remember, I’d been scanning crowds for a face; looking for certain attributes as if my heart knew what it wanted before my mind did. Even in past partners. My relationships before C were two weeks flings where, inevitably, I’d get off-put by my partner and find a reason to leave. They never felt “right”. never knew what I was looking for but I was always left feeling disappointed. And with C, his wild red hair and rangyness felt almost perfectly what I was looking for…. But like he fit incorrectly. Right piece, wrong puzzle.

Then, a few months ago, I think I finally “met” dream man. I’d joined a small comic fandom and quickly became attached to a small-time character. I decided to google images of said character and this man popped as a casual cosplayer for the character back in 2008. For some reason, at that moment, all those feelings of “not quite right” slotted into place and I felt like I’d found what I’d been searching for my entire life. In my mind, he was the boy I’d been dreaming about for years. Everything from the freckles on his right cheek to the curve of his lips was spot-on. It sounds so cliché, but I feel like I knew him. I guess it’s a cliché for a reason. Anyway, in reality, I knew nothing about this man except that he made my heart stutter and my soul ache with a familiarity; I wanted, NEEDED to know more. Anything and everything. Through a stroke of luck (and admittedly, more than a healthy amount of google searching), I found him. And literally everything publicly available about his life played out like a mirror image of my own, in reverse. He’d been with a woman very, very similar in appearance and personality to myself, he had the exact same descriptions as C (including the ginger and partial color-blindness, which was a very weird coincidence), and just… his nature. Down to his music habits and general awkwardness were similar to my own. AND THE SHOES.

I ended up telling C about him. I remember sitting C down and saying, “Look, this is going to sound batshit as hell, but I think I might have found my soulmate and I have no idea what to do now that I’ve found him.” Which, in hindsight is a weird and shitty thing to say to your lover. But C had gone through 7 years of hearing about my dreams, and must’ve realized I was coming from a baffled, well-meant place because he ended up listening to the entire story, looking at the similarities, and just kind of agreeing with me. He encouraged me to reach out to this guy to try and explain what I thought, but there’s no real way of telling someone, “Do you believe in soulmates? Because I think we are and I’d like to explore that, platonically.” I didn’t want to leave Ca nd I doubt this person would leave his MARRIAGE, so now here I am.

I know this a convoluted mess but I’m tired and just wanted to pour this out before I lost my nerve. I was hoping for your (or really, anyone fellow reader’s) insight on what I should do/whether I’m mentally unwell/do soulmates exist or am I projecting. That sort of stuff. I’m not leaving C. I love him. But I also don’t want to leave the idea that there’s something greater at work in my life, the idea of destiny. I think about ignoring this other guy and I fall into a scary, shattering depression. I’ve tried three times now, and everything loses color and food tastes like nothing. I’m at a loss.

Anyway, thank you for sitting through this. Please be gentle with me lol.

do i believe in soulmates? well, i think there’s a whole universe of things we don’t have answers for and this is one of ‘em. i mean, no one knows for certain if the concept soulmates is a “real” thing, rt? which means, it’s a matter of faith and you can manifest many things with tht on your side. what you feel in your heart is what matters and trusting tht heart is generally a v wise decision. 

personally, i’m with C. why not reach out to Dream Dude (DD) and see if he’s interested in being friends? the not-knowing has gotta be agonizing! plus, C’s supportive of it too. as to your second part, none of us tumblr folx can determine if you’re suffering from a mental illness. tht’s a medical diagnosis which can’t be figured out from a single ask. sorry dove. however…

i can say, the depression you report is disconcerting. it wouldn’t hurt to reach out to a mental health professional and discuss how to best manage your feelings/emotions. they could assist you in keeping the ability to taste and see colour. also, if your relationship is rocky, couples counseling can be a boon.

i hope you send DD a msg. just let him kno; this is wild, but he matches someone you’ve had reoccurring dreams about. tht you think the pair of you would make great friends as you point out things you have in common etc.. then just see where it goes. 

i also hope other turtledoves weigh-in to this post, but what i hope most of all is tht you never stop taking care of you and following your heart. good luck dove!

#submission #submitted by #hencemyname #soulmates #friendships #relationships #dreams

[celestianstars]

Hey hope you are well I need perspective on a situation, others can pitch in as well. Idk if I’m overreacting for feeling some way about this. Basically I’ve been staying with a friend for about 2 1/2weeks it’s was very rushed and last minute and I was expecting to be at her place for like a week maybe 2 tops but things have taken longer to sort out I felt like she was fine with it and I’ve just been minding my business and staying out of her and her flatmates way (1/?)

(Continued) I feel bad for already over extending my stay but the majority of my family live out of the country (Scotland) and I go to uni in London so I don’t exactly have family to turn to as we aren’t on great terms and hey are far away. I had a job and accommodation with the jobs lined up before summer which I no longer have. I had a near death experience and was very mentally unwell/ suicidal and wasn’t expecting to be alive or even come back to uni but things got better and I was able to come back.

The friend that I’m staying with is aware of the situation I’m in and knows why I’m currently homeless and I had confided in her all of this. I’m working on being gone by the middle of next week because I feel like I’ve overstayed and am no longer welcome which is fine it’s her place and it’s well within her rights for her to not want me there. Since I’ve been with here she’s been kind of shady and hasn’t even asked me basic things like are you okay how are you feeling etc.

She’s just come to me and was like if you are still here on Monday you have to pay rent between £200-£300 ($260-$390)on Monday. The way she came and said it to me was a little aggressive idk she pays a total of about £600pm so I know she’s asking me to pay about half of her monthly rent which is fine. I’m happy too and will pay but it’s just the way she’s been speaking to me, I asked last week about discussing payment and how greatful I was idk it’s just feels weird idk if I’m in the wrong or :/

———

So I definitely don’t think you’re in the wrong for feeling like the way she approached you was weird and aggressive. I would feel the same way too like I get it’s her place and everything but considering what you’ve been through and how you’re trying to get back on your feet, she should be speaking to you a little gentler.

It’s not like you’re just there and not doing anything, you’ve been through A LOT so I don’t blame you for feeling that way about how she’s been acting. And not asking you how you’re doing or anything like that is just yikes like maybe she’s got her own stuff going on inside or something but she should be treating you a lot better than that.

I’m sorry your situation is this way rn. I get that you’ve stayed longer than anticipated but at the same time things don’t always go as plan and I think some more understanding on her part is needed, you’re doing all you can to leave there and get things sorted out, you are only one person and given that family isn’t a viable option for you to turn to, she should just be a little nicer in my opinion.

If I was her idk I wouldn’t be making you pay rent like I’m just helping you out there’s no need for you to feel like you gotta repay me or anything but that’s also just me, I hope things get sorted out soon and I’m sorry things feel kinda tense with her.

#advice

[drashleighreid]

Do them alllllll!! 😂😜 you’ll probably need snacks for how long it takes to answer 💓

lord. LMAO okay 

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

not really?? life is weird tho who knows man. 

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

4.5 

3. The person you would never want to meet?

HMM. never... im sure there are plenty 

4. What is your favorite word?

colloquial

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

peach tree ! 

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

gotta brush tha teethies 

7. What shirt are you wearing?

a lana del rey concert t shirt n a harvard sweatshirt over the top sksksk .. get u a girl who can do both

8. What do you label yourself as?

vegan lesbian :o ? dumbass

9. Bright room or dark room?

both for different moods... i like rooms being bright and open during the day but dimly lit at night

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

writing fic 

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

done

12. Who told you they loved you last?

my mum

13. Your worst enemy?

myself bitch

14. What is your current desktop picture?

miss cdp in that blue coat

15. Do you like someone?

done

16. The last song you listened to?

the rip - portishead

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

[REDACTED]

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

see above

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

sdlkfj these questions are weird. br*ttany snow can be my slave for the day just so i can play w her hair 

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

litcherally no clue lkjsf ppl compliment me on my eyes but thats such a basic attribute ppl always comment on. we all got eyes hun. 

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

probably ,, me but the opposite sex ,,, j*rk off :) 

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

?? maybe ? maybe not. its a secret 

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

unique ??? i have claustrophobia and hypochondria  lkjsf. what a SHIT pot. 

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

thats nice. is this a question? PICKLES. 

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

clothes, or some candles,,, perfume. i want colour pencils ! nice lotion. 

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

mexico! 

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

sdkfj gin. hendricks or beefeater. or i mean, if its a gift just give me some BOUGIE shit.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

no a55h0l3s allowed

29. What is your favorite expletive?

‘cunt’ has been working its way back into my road rage repertoire lately 

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

my laptop

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

hmm

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

once again, is this a question. good i wanna move away from here anyway lkjsf 

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

my grandma

34. What was your last dream about?

i actually dont know, i know i had a weird dream last night but i cant remember it 

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

no, knock on wood 

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

kljs they’re grey, cute and cozy and they look like lil woofos :’( my mum bought them for me they keep me so warm

39. What type of music do you like?

lots of different stuff tbh ! idek how to describe the genres LOL

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

lime ! or caramel 

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

i dont have any strong feelings

43. Do you have any scars?

yeah, theres one on my knee from when my friend pushed me over on bitumen in 1st grade kjsf 

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

writer/director/not poor

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

hmm. i wish i was more open to change sometimes 

46. Are you reliable?

yes i hate letting people down 

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

is it worth it?

48. Do you hold grudges?

yes 

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

omg. a bear and a corgi :D i just want a little cuddly bear 

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

omg. so many. i had a really weird conversation with this guy in amsterdam who just like,, cornered me on the street and told me he wanted to hang out with me and i had to make up an excuse and say i was meeting people even though i was travelling alone because i thought he was going to murder me. i’ve travelled alone quite a bit so ive just had weird af conversations overseas kjf 

51. Are you a good liar?

maybe?? i just dont like lying so i dont do it a lot. i only really lie to get out of doing things i dont want to do and to rearrange plans when im feeling mentally Unwell 

52. How long could you go without talking?

a long time lmao

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

hmmm. when i was in highschool i cut my hair really short and it just didnt look nice. i also had bright red bangs and black hair in high school, and another time i had turquiose bangs. it was a time. 

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yes!

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

i dont like to lol

56. What do you like on your toast?

v cream cheese and jam !! pb+j ! avocado 

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

a little bear

58. What would be you dream car?

i dont care. something black n bougie with tinted windows so people dont Look at me 

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

only if im in hotels, i dont like my neighbors to hear me so i sing in my car kljsf. i dont think i do anything exceptionally weird in the shower 

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yes!

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

done

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

Z

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dinosaurs

64. What do you think about babies?

... cool but i dont want it near me 

thanks for the entertainment sweet pea !!!! 

#long post #read more #Anonymous

[ticketybooworld-blog]

The System was Shit but i,m thankful for that !

l

  Often in the world of mental health we hear of so many folks disliking even hating the system of psychiatry and being so full of negativity towards it & i wonder, does everyone always feel this way & if so why?  What makes this system so bad?  Is it entirely the system itself or is it our attitude & beliefs towards it? In all honestly during my own time of unwellness, i openly admit it i hated it. I disliked everything about it. Though in reflection now some years later i now realise that at that time of my life, i hated everything. Including myself. I hated the world back then. I was unwell and deeply unhappy. I hated living every minute of everyday. So it makes sense that i hated the system then as i was unwell/unhappy i wanted to die and i hated having people trying to save me. I was miserable. I hated being in hospitals and i hated being labelled.

That was my reasoning for hating the system back then but like everything in this world everything on this planet things have changed. My life has changed I have changed .   I,m not in that place anymore. I am no longer stuck there the past has been it,s gone i,ve learned you have to

Why did it change? It changed because i chose for it to.  I chose to. Yes that’s right i chose to, despite having a diagnosis of schizophrenia. I still chose to change it. to change my life. Not possible?

BOLLOCKS.

We don’t have to live the diagnosis and we don’t have to be angry forever about our time in the system. Things change . Infact with time we can even have lots of laughs about it once we learn to let it go. It,s a label. Labels are for clothes not people. That’s how i see it things now and why i,m writing this down as ‘ my ‘ own experience. 

I think we just have to keep focusin on being who we actually are. That’s always been the key for me in my own recovery. Anything else is just a Diagnoistical Bolloxupification at the end of the day as my good friend in Toronto describes here. 

To view click - DIAGNOSTICAL BOLLOUXUPIFICATION

Schizophrenia for me is just a ‘ label ‘ it describes of a lot of different symptoms for sure but most of which can be ‘ changed ‘ if you chose to change em. I ain’t saying it,s easy. I ain’t saying there’s a magic cure either but i am saying that we do have a choice. Ain’t saying making that choice is easy either. Nor quick.

In fact, is it feck!

It’s one hard graft getting back on your feet again in the world after a breakdown/psychosis, blip , fuck up whatever ye wanna call it. Along with the stigma of labels/mental health in tow blah blah blah. All of these mentioned make it hard, simply, hard as feck. Though the way i saw it was nothing was ever gonna change for me if i didn’t get off my own miserable ass and start to change it..

Not everything was psychiatry’s fault. Nor the fault of the schizophrenia.A lot of the shit going on in my life was infact ‘ my own ‘ fault or through other faults but these were faults that only ‘ i myself ‘ could fix. At the end of the day i had a lot of mental loose bolts. I came to realise that i have to make the effort and

Yup i got to realisin that there was never gonna be a magical pill that would clean my house or shave me. No pill that was going to go to the shops for me or pay my bills no magic pill was going to make me friends or get me out the house. Nope only i could do that.

I chose to have my SchIziophrenia . NOT for it to have me !

I had to change my attitude to everything. To my entire life. I had to.

I started to see that it wasn’t everything in the world that was negative or full of hate and dark. I started to see that, that was actually ‘me’ and that it was in the main my attitude to it all. It was my own thinking that was causing most of pain. I had to change my entire attitude to my life & to my entire thinking, It sure didn’t, happen overnight. In fact 6 years on from my last breakdown i still work on it now. 

It took me years of medications. Hospitalisations. Support workers. Psychiatrists. Psychologists, Dieticians. Gps. etc etc to realise that the system hadn’t actually been out to harm me> Looking back now i see clearly that ‘ it was out to help me’  In the best way it could.

I was unwell at the time and i couldn’t see it then, at that time in my life.. Things were pretty

I’m not saying that it means the system was all glamour.. It was hellish at times but let’s face it, it isn’t meant to be fun. No good doctor or psychiatrist would tell you going into hospital is pleasant or that it would be easy. They know it,s not already.Truth is most of em don’t even want us in there if it can be helped. But that’s the only tools they got. Maybe we should cut them a little slack perhaps? The way i see it now is. They kept me alive. I,m thankful for that.

In my experience most of the times i was unwell i was treated at home in the community. Psychiatry despite what folks say. Provided me with care. They gave me support workers. They made sure i had a roof over my head and they always made sure i had benefits.

As shite as that may be and not much fun at least when we are unwell it puts food in the fridge and provides us with some stability.... It pays the bills. It gives us a home. It means we can eat and that’s always a bonus.

The rest then is up to us then i guess...  It took me two years or so to realise this myself when i came out of hospital.. Psychiatry had actually given me some building blocks. Some foundations to build on.

Once i stopped playing so much of the blame game and started seeing things as they actually were in the present moment ‘ in the reality ‘ I was able to start laying the first blocks on what was and still is the house of my recovery as i kind of see it. I have to keep on building. Keep on maintaining what has broken in order to secure and provide that space i call my life. The one where i am just myself. Me. Not any of my labels. Just me.  Living independently & as well and safely as i can. Thanks to psychiatry & along with the help of many others from the HVM. Sure i still have loads of symptoms at times. Though now thanks to accepting my diagnosis, time and learning. I am now able to manage them with relative ease most of the time and i am fully aware of what to do should i end up in crisis. Places to go, folks to phone making sure i eat and rest in the main. get up each day and just do something, anything that makes me feel happy or that works as a distraction. I just get on doin what i need to do. I understand lots of folks have really bad experiences in the system. I had lots myself. Though for me personally i find being angry about it just doesn’t help. I suppose i just try to maintain my own scottish version of the information below. This is something my friend Egan Bidois in New Zealand told me of some time back. I hope you to find it useful..

Where Tapa Wha

We gotta look after these things? Feck the label.. Who needs it and most folks ain,t as bothered as you would think about it, once you get talkin to em. Most good psychiatrists, docs , cpn’s etc will tell you the label is BOLLOCKS not that it doesn,t matter but just that it is only a word to describe a whole host of symptoms, BUT IT AIN’T YOU !!

Anyway at the end of the day my life had been chaotic with me never being in one house for long or being homeless, drinking myself to death, losing jobs,, getting into trouble with the law, suicide attempts etc etc both myself and my life were out of control and at the end of the day psychiatry helped me to regain some control. In truth they kept me alive.. They gave me a path. Perhaps not a path i would have chosen personally but a path none the less. One where i when stood at the beginning i could at least see an end goal. The end goal being getting to a place i had never been before. A place and time where i could be STABLE.  Where i could actually be more responsible for both myself and my health. In psychiatry as shit as it was i gained a control that i had never ever had. That i never ever ever thought i was able to have.

Now I,m thankful for that.  I truly am!

I was suicidal a lot., I self-medicated. I was psychotic when i arrived at psychiatry for the first time. They didn’t give it to me.  Sure they gave me the label and well yeah that’s shit. It doesn’t help it lots of ways but i now also know it lots of ways it actually does... Back then when i look back there was no else around to help me? Who would have been there if psychiatry hadn’t? This is a question i ask myself often. The answer is. No one.  No one else would have been able or capable of controlling my crazee behaviours. Where else could i have stayed who else could have kept me down. Kept me sane. Kept me fed and watered. Clothed and with shelter in the condition i was in.I know who. No one.  Psychiatry ain’t fun sure it can be hellish at times but it ain’t always half bad either. Does anyone ever talk about all the good things they do? Cos despite what folks say and things not being perfect with the system. It still does plenty of good.. Sure it has flaws and faults, What in this world feckin doesn’t?

There’s plenty other feckers out here in the that would see you do without. Who wouldn’t care if you had a home or a steady income, not even whether you were alive or dead. So does everyone really really see the system as that utterly and entirely entirely flawed. Really? I know first hand there are sure a lot worse things out here in life. Folks always shout abolish the system, systems don’t work. Ban psychiatry and all the other shite but at the end of the day is some kind of system not better than no system at all? I know in my own experience, in reality i would have been dead without it. If it were not for our psychiatric & police systems would infact not many of us be dead already? I know i would most likely be. There was once a time i would have shouted FeCK THE SYSTEM with the best of them.

Though NOT anymore. I have moved on from that hated & bitterness and from the past. I don’t think anyone can truly move forward until they do & at the end of the day in the grand scheme of things. Does it really matter? I decided to

Sure things need changing. Old systems always do. Does your toilet system not malfunction and need replaced from time to time or your heating. Nothing in this world is perfect , everything has flaws

Yeah everything in life needs modernising and improving and that is happening in both psychiatry and also in toilet systems. Either way both are improving with time and without either of them, i would ask myself. Where then we would all off load our shit..  Is a system not better than no system at all? Is being angry at the system really gonna help to change it?  Would you listen to someone who shouted and ranted at you?  In my own experience and looking back now. Despite it being a crap time of my life i,m glad it was there. It may not have been perfect. 

 ‘ It may have been shit but i,m thankful for that ’ 

Why ? As now thanks to psychiatry i live my life fully independent. I am living a life . I have a loving family. I am engaged to be married. I have children. I have a future. I have been back working full time. I have friends I have a car and i have a stable home. I have a stable income i don,t earn me much but i am rich i have a beautiful partner and children who run into my hands when there is nothing in them. That in itself makes me rich. RIcher than i have ever been. I have loads of interests now i have my motorbike and my car & i,m enjoying mainting them and learning as i go. I love to go walks in the country with my family. I love to read and to write. I love listening to music. I love D.I.Y and doing stuff around the house. I love cooking and going out and doing the garden. I guess i just love ‘ normal shit ‘ lol but it,s great. I have had NO more suicide attempts. I no longer drink or use hard drugs. I have not slept on the streets ever since. I have not been in any trouble with the law nor have i had renter mental health services since my discharge. I think my living in recovery will always be an uphill journey but as long as i,m still climbing everyday i,m happy with that.

Thanks to psychiatry & of course many others i am able to go to my doctors with a new confidence in them. My GP’s are fully aware that at this present moment in time i am not on any medications. We discuss my mental health regularly and they are pleased that i am maintaining it so well,  being responsible about it. Making the correct choices and utilising other solutions. They know that i know i can and would go them if need be for medication should i require it. I have my staying well plan and lots of support now and that is all down to learning coping mechanisms/strategies etc taught to me back in the beginning by psychiatry. My support workers and also the HVM. The combination of them all has brought me to where i am now. Living independently.  In my own experience without psychiatry giving me the foundations. how else could i have rebuilt my life? How else could it have changed? What other system would work? I would never have been referred on to get support and would most likely never have sought it myself.  I have been blessed with all of this which i could never had before i was diagnosed. Labels are shit yup most docs will tell you that but they don,t need to be forever and they sure as hell ain’t you! I would never have been stable nor responsible enough to manage any of it. I am in a far better place now in my life and now i say regardless of whether i upset the angry masses.

THANK YOU PSYCHIATRY !

& things don’t always have to remain

[soldier-poet-king]

career anxiety which turned into existential dread which turned into me guiltily defending my use of stories as narrative framing devices for my own life & human existence as storytelling more broadly (smthn smthn sometimes you gotta be a little mentally unwell to be mentally well)

what is possibly the longest cringe worst thing ive ever put on this webbed site, but i gotta get it out in writing to clear my head and i type more quickly than i write and if there's a post length limit by god i'm gonna find out

with my deepest apologies if this readmore doesnt work

so we had a Big Fancy Meeting at work today, with a group of information professionals from an Outside Institution (some of whom i had met previously), and which i got to sit in on/play tech support for, which was all fine and well for the actual presentation portion of the event, but afterwards when it was informal chatting and the like it was just???

The following things are true:

i actually got to speak with people close-ish to my age and in my profession

it was a very nice and enjoyable experience and we got to talk both seriously about professional things and also jokingly shoot the shit about shared woes with this one outdated archival software that everyone under the age of 60 hates with a passion

i was also incredibly jealous of this group of archivists & librarians because they're all /friendly/ with each other and i am lonely being the youngest person at work

i am also jealous because theyre working on very exciting projects at A Big Institution with Actual Resources and Technology and PROCEDURES my beloved, and not the slapdash kinda thing going on at my work

this in turn made me anxious because there were certain elements of the conversation i couldn't follow and i worry about my professional development at my current job, and that my technical skills are either atrophying, or not growing in a way that would enable me to get hired at A Big Institution like this one (which is the ultimate goal)

this in turn made me more stressed about my current job, which i just got promoted to fulltime permanent for the following

beyond the skill atrophy fear there is also the fact that my boss is grooming me to be her successor when she retires in 5 yrs and i very Much Do Not Want to be here in 5 years

this adds several layers of guilt

i was just promoted so im getting really sweet messages of congrats from random ppl in other departments who i didnt even think knew/care i existed - the people at this workplace are extremely nice, even if im like. meh. about some of the work/procedures/etc

a large part of my promotion being approved hinged on the fact that im undertaking this big technical project that my boss doesnt have the technical know-how to do. so i cant just bail and leave them high and dry without feeling guilt. but also. it's not so fancy a project that someone else couldnt do it. anyone in my field worth their salt and not super old should be able to handle it. sure i work hard and im friendly, but surely that's not that rare in an employee

i dont even KNOW if there's better opportunities out there. but i see stuff on the listserv all the time, and assuming i could land those jobs, they pay better and are at larger orgs and more in line with what i want

there is an element to working non-profit adjacent that is guilt inducing as well as [redacted thing about my work that would make me feel even guiltier for leaving, i cannot say what, but it is Significant]

this of course, tapped into my larger, ongoing sense of ennui and being 'stuck' and fears about unchosen monotony and purposelessness and all that mid 20s recent grad existential bullshit. i cant really do anything to solve it bc yknow, unprecedented housing crisis, rent is insane, im stuck living in a dysfunctional household which traumatized me as a child, etc etc etc. but broadly:

i am afraid of being stuck in a mediocre job forever. my boss has worked for two (2) archives her whole life and has always done non-profit adjacent work and is like. a one man small archive thing. i VERY MUCH DO NOT WANT THAT

i feel guilty for wanting

idk how to want things or be a person (separate issue), but i know very much what i want career wise. i know what makes me happy and satisfied. and i know what im good at. im doing fine at my current job but i know i could be so much MORE and i want that desperately

if my personal life is always doomed to be dismal, as is my family life, can i at least have one thing

i gave up academia for my mental health and some degree of financial stability, can i at least satisfy SOME of my ambitions here?? just a few??

yes this is pride. yes this is ambition. just bc i spent so long extremely depressed and with 0 self esteem does not make me immune to ambition, even if non traditional.

i feel immense guilt over this but i dont stop wanting it

ofc, my brain is a web, all existence is inextricably interconnected, and im listening to the tge audiobook on my commute and rotating csevet in my brain, thara is more personal, more beloved maybe, but csevet is my fave lil guy babygirl and i have a thing for fantasy secretaries, so i am now thinking even MORE of ambition, and how i have it, and how i love that im good at this one complex but boring thing, i am thinking of kip mdang, of kamet, of muire lo, of how some of my deepest loves, in no particular order, include: organization and scheduling, devotion, competency, well-ordered policies and procedures, righteous anger, boring skills being used to change the world for good, small kindnesses, Duty, loyalty to a person or ideal which goes beyond the functional and the expected and which extends into unprecedented levels of intimacy - whether it be friendship, qprs, romance, etc, and also, metadata and research

so. as i sit there sorting this all out in my brain i am like. wow you are a pathetic human being. you are not even a person. like. why is everything being framed in terms of narrative and story. why does everything relate to a Broader Theme or Arc or Meaning.

i am forcibly reminded of being undiagnosed, unmedicated, aged 18/19 and trying to explain smthn really personal about myself to someone i knew from youth group and him being like. wow. you describe everything and relate to everything from stories.

to this day i live in embarassment over this moment. but also. lowkey. fuck him. and tradcath circles be WILD, the social dynamics BAD, and it was not the place for me to be, even tho i latched on to it lacking any other social contact at the time. if a complete mental breakdown, latent OCD, and a really painful loss of friends is what it took to get me out. like. i cant say i dont regret the loss, but also, i like who im becoming much better now

ANYWAY. i got thinking about stories and why i am and am not extremely cringe

i am a big believer in storytelling is the oldest human activity. it's the most fundamental human activity. this isn't some nihilistic devaluing of the human person, the soul, the human experience, it is instead and elevation of the story. because like. stories are what we do to live. it's why we live. it's how we communicate. storytelling is how we turn to another person and we attempt to communicate the innermost secrets of our heart. language is a flawed tool always ultimately falling short. but we use stories to share ourselves with each other, to be recognized and known, and throughout the ages, to share our grief and love, to know to oneself, no, i'm not the only one, others have experienced this before too. stories are balms and inspirations and are ultimately reflections of their creators, they reflect some Truth about the human experience back to us

im not even talking like. published stories. tv shows. mcu ification of media. i mean /stories/. in whatever form. from whatever time. this isn't a fandom thing - though there is overlap, im not talking about consumption for the sake of consumption, or consumption as a personality trait

i mean like. stories as the bedrock of humanity because it is the only way we can attempt to understand ourselves. stories are foundational because the human person is too complex, having too much of the image of the divine in it, to ever be really fully successfully understood. and so of course. of course we turn to stories in times of trouble, and triumph, and all the times in between. how could we not turn to stories to attempt the divine understanding that is always ultimately beyond us?

(i have a whole other locked and loaded series of thoughts on storytelling in faith traditions, and specifically how the bible is a literary work as well as a spiritual one, and the reasons for this reflected in the human soul, but i digress)

so really. maybe i am pathetic and cringe and a fake not real person (i am all of those things), but i hope it's not because i think in stories, in themes, in arcs. everything is tangled in my brain, inextricable, i can do nothing else, i know nothing else, i would not want anything else, unless it were the full divine understanding beyond mortal means

and besides. i am trying. to be better. to be more. to have comforts and hobbies beyond this. the crafting. the cooking. the career ambitions that arose when i found something that i was good at and enjoyed and was /me/. my insatiable need to learn to dance.

i dont know where im going with this. i barely know where i started. it's stories all the way down, because it's people all the way down, and we are all mirrors of each other and we are all connections with each other in a vast caring world. or. so i like to think

#franposting #long post #im so sorry but also i needed this so. #smthn smthn you go to the circus (my blog) dont be surprised when there's clowns (me) etc etc #i had to take a break in the middle of typing this bc i got worn out emotionally #should that have been a sign to stop? maybe. but i cant read so that sign wont stop me etc #this is the most embarassing cringe thing i have ever posed in my ELEVEN YEARS on this site #ah well #gotta weed out the weak. natural selection for my horribleness #and now. i am going to play bg3 for a bit. and then read. and then bed bc alas. commuting