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inkskinned · 10 months

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so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

#writeblr #the book....#coming soon #hey so if ur someone who has ever said “you need to write a book”#i wrote the book #it's ... probably the best thing ive ever written #this is maybe too honest lol #okay to reblog thank you for asking i love u i am in love with u our wedding will be in may

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delicate-cupcake · 3 months

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Random Things about your Future Spouse

Hello everybody 🌹

This is my first post as a tarot reader and I am very excited to post it here. I wanted it to be light so I kept this reading short. I hope you will like it and resonate with it. Please tell me if anything resonates it will help me alot to develop confidence in me.

Pile 1 ------- Pile 2 -------- Pile 3 ------ Pile 4

Pile 1

Handsome

Rules follower

Shoulder length hair

They have sexy imagination *okay I was writing dirty minded but they legit corrected me as I have sexy imagination not dirty mind*

Only divine knows

Do your best!!!! *Maybe you are upto something and they are rooting for you they want to tell you that they are always there for you.*

Summer time

Why did I meet you?

Might be a little overweight

Long hair

many admirers

No. 7 might be significant

Pile 2

5 years age gap or you might meet them 5 years from now

Grateful for things they have

Cherish their closed ones alot

No. 9,2,18,4could be significant

Will never hold you back

Might deal with some self- depreciating thoughts

They really love you

Morning person

Virgo

Freckles

Egypt

Geminipast live connection

HRA

Dancer

Rich

Aquarius

For some of you, I am getting that there might be some problem with their parents or your parents. Maybe them or you don't really have a good relationship with your parents and they might become a blockage during this union.

But one thing that I constantly got in this Pile is that your person saying things like I love you, I will never let you go, I will be there for you till the day I die. They really love you but they have to work on themselves for this relationship to last.

Pile 3

They will have a sharp memory like they remember the smallest things about somebody or something somebody said like a year ago

Might use the word sorry alot

17,999 could be significant numbers

Thursday

Pets

They might fear that you will leave

You might have to reassure them from time to time

I got where's my angel?

Very cute

"Life feels like a dream with you"

Love their and your parents

Broken from past relationships

O maybe their or your initial

Unique hair colour

Good looking

Pile 4

Moustache

Love you

Sweet voice

You are there lucky star

Deep voice

Caring

Beautiful

000, 11:11 could be significant numbers

Winter

Broken from past relationships

A,U could be their or your initial

Tomboy

Younger than you

Marriage

Morning person

Busy

Chaotic

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed this reading and it resonates with you. Please leave a feedback if you can. And enjoy. Also these readings are for entertainment purposes only and none of the pictures belong to me.

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yvningshowers · 2 years

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disability amirite

#the tags are vent surprise surprise #tldr disability is lame what else is new #hi my life sucks #I wish I could do things by myself. anything. fucking anything. and I can't #disability is a fucking joke. this shit is a joke #rock bottom if you want to know where I'm at it's rock fucking bottom #the people I need to help me don't give a fuck. and the people that want to help me I wished didn't give a fuck #does that make sense #I would tw this but like bitch I'm disabled and it sucks if you can't handle that then get the fuck out #I have to live with this shit I'm soooo sorry you just have to hear a little bit about it lmfao #I'm mad I'm mad about it today okay I'm fucking really mad #and for all the fucking shit people say about disability awareness or whatever the fuck no one gives a fuck about us except for us #no image description shit no dark mode no text sizing no text coloring accessibility none of that goddamn bullshit #and that's the fucking snowflake on the iceberg but I digress #I feel like the homonculus in the flask that's how I feel. and it is devastating #and I am LUCKY I am pretty blessed when it comes to the spectrum of visual impairment I can see so much and I'm grateful #but it isn't enough. it isn't enough and every day I fight the tears and it's funny like that's all my fucking eyes are good for #whatever I just. whatever #am I doing okay today? no fucking absolutely not #but I don't need pity I don't need any thoughts or prayers I just need people to consider the disabled that's it that's all #but whatever I know that's a loftly goal so I'll sit and watch comfort media while I fucking can because some day I won't be able to

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somekindofpoet · 1 year

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Missed Connection 2

Summary: A flight delay causes a chance meeting between R and Jenna Ortega

Word Count: 2.1K

A/N: Laughing at the fact that I thought I could do a one shot of anything

Part 1 Part 3

“No big deal,” you grumble under your breath, fumbling with the keys to your apartment. “Oh yeah, I was just on SNL, no big deal.”

Your Uber driver, who informed you is named Dani, ranted and raved about Jenna for the rest of the ride home. She then insisted you watch Wednesday before you even thought about texting her. The words “respect on her name” and “so fucking lucky” were cried out several times. Dani refused to drive away before you promised her you would update her on the situation. It seems you were friends now. Against your will, but she appeared serious about not leaving, so you exchanged numbers and made your promises.

Your door opens, and you take a deep breath, happy to be home. The house sitter deep cleaned before he left, and you were grateful for the smell of fresh laundry the moment you stepped in. Your cat sat, perched on the shelves above your head, watching you closely.

“Hello, Mr. Burton, wonderful to see you too,” you smile up at him, and he narrows his yellow eyes at you.

You nod and drop your bags to the side, happy to see nothing had changed in his world. You trudge into the living room and flop on the couch, sliding your phone onto the coffee table. Half of you wants to text Jenna and let her know you know who she is now. The other half is absolutely mortified at the idea of ever seeing her again. You decide you’ll watch one episode of Wednesday, then hit the hay. You can decide how to approach the Jenna situation in the morning.

——

Four hours later, you’re still on your couch, valiantly fighting sleep for just one more episode. It’s 2AM, and you know you need to pack it in. She’s just so brilliant. Her version of Wednesday is quick-witted, hilarious, and naturally, insanely good looking. She’s so different from the person you ran into at the airport. She wears Jenna’s face, but that seems to be where the similarities end. Besides the straight faced sarcasm, that was a strong parallel.

Your grogginess fools you into a sense of confidence, and you finally pick up your phone. You’d already saved her number hours ago, afraid you’d lose the gum wrapper. You open a new message and type out “…” nothing. Nothing comes to mind. What do you even say to a movie star? You remember how she reacted to you calling her a big deal and decide you can’t tell her how great she is in the show. You stare at the phone, sigh, then lock it. Maybe sleep will help.

——

Your phone buzzing on your pillow wakes you up. You forgot to turn on do not disturb, and now you’re paying for it. You crack open an eye and look at the name on the screen. You note that it’s 6 AM and groan as you slide the answer button.

“Sid, are you aware of the hour?”

“Good morning, sunshine! Welcome back to glamorous LA!” Sid’s voice rings through the speaker, her high-pitched singing making you wince.

“Uuuuuugh,” is all you reply, letting her know how you feel about the call.

“So I know you just got back, and yes, I know you’re supposed to be on vacay after your Nat Geo thing, but….”

“Sid, if you ask me for a favor right now, I’ll kill you.”

“Listen! Before you say no, I may have accidentally overbooked myself, and I need a favor.”

You groan, rub your eyes with your knuckles, “You need to get a scheduling assistant dude.”

“I know, but this is big. I have a thing that got moved up, and now I can’t do this Dior shoot.”

You open your eyes, your interest piqued, “Dior?”

Sid laughs, “I knew you’d like that. Uhm, just one thing though, it’s in like two hours so-“

“Sidney, are you kidding me?!” You shoot up and leap out of bed, beginning your search for decent clothes.

“I mean, if you’re late, it’ll be on me, but I knew you wouldn’t be up yet. Can you take it for me?”

You pull on a pair of black slacks and grumble, “I swear you owe me so big, Sid, like we’re talkin' drinks on you for the next month.”

“Okay love you I’ll text you the address you’re the best byyyeeee!”

You sigh as she quickly hangs up the phone and resume your search for clothes. It had been a while since you’d photographed people since you’d moved on to nature photography. The models weren’t bad; you just found the shoots boring. Everything is staged and unnatural, beautiful people in beautiful clothes with beautiful lighting. The biggest challenge to it was dealing with managers and temperamental brand agents.

You brush your teeth and tame your hair as fast as you can, gathering your camera and equipment for the shoot and hustling out the door. You paste the address from Sid’s text into your maps and peel out of your parking lot. If you hurry, you’ll make it with a few minutes to spare.

You should have known LA traffic would play you like a fiddle. You park your car four minutes before the shoot time. You’re not sure why you care if you’re late, seeing as you’re not the one who booked the shoot. But still, somewhere deep down, you want them to like your work, and no one likes a late appointment. It's for this reason you practically sprint through the parking lot and into the studio, your equipment making it nearly impossible to see.

For the second time in two days, you’re barreling into someone, knocking them on their ass and sending you flying over their body. You hit the ground with a grunt, your precious camera safely tucked into your chest. You sit up groaning, ready to spew apologies when you see who exactly you’ve run into. You think it has to be some sort of cruel joke or karmic intervention for sins from a past life.

Jenna sits up, rubbing her head, her oversized black hoodie draped across her frame. When you meet eyes, you both freeze, baffled. You gawk at her. You know you’re doing it, but you can't stop. She stares at you, her eyes narrowed in confusion.

“Is this how we’re always going to greet each other, do you think?” She asks, a smile pulling at her lips.

You grimace, “I can’t believe my luck. What’re you doing here?”

“Uhm,” she sighs, shrugs, “Working?”

You push yourself to your feet and offer to help her up, but she’s already gathering your things and piling them neatly in her arms.

“Thank you,” you tell her with a smile, “I’m working too, a favor for a friend.”

She frowns up at you, handing over your equipment, “I thought you were a nature photographer?”

“Oh, I am. Like I said, I’m doing my friend a favor. She’s an idiot and overbooked herself, so now I have to deal with models and Dior.”

Her eyebrows shoot up, her eyes bright, “Hi, it's me. I’m the model you have to deal with.”

You choke on your spit, coughing and spluttering, “You’re kidding, right? That's a joke?”

She jerks her head back, “Is the idea that horrifying?”

You're kicking yourself internally for sounding like an asshole, “No! Not at all. It’s just…I…well, to be perfectly honest, you make me a little nervous.”

A laugh escapes her throat, and she looks down at her feet, “You managed well enough yesterday.”

“Uh, yeah. I saw your billboard on the way in from the airport. You undersold yourself a bit.”

Her shoulders sag, and it makes you regret admitting it. You scramble to fix the situation.

“But! But I can pretend I never saw it. If that’s what you want. We can just act like this is some weird meet-cute again.”

She lifts her head, smirks at you, “You thought yesterday was a meet-cute?”

You blush, your eyes wide, “Oh. I…uh, yes?”

She nods, and you can see her mull over the idea. She seems to accept it because the next thing you know, you’re following her deeper inside the studio. You spot the door Sid told you to go to and follow Jenna inside. She disappears behind a mass of stylists and a curtain of clothes with a handful of other celebrity models. You work with the brand managers and review Sid’s vision for the shoot, making your own tweaks here and there. As a whole, it goes shockingly well. Like, well enough for you to reconsider your self-imposed exile in nature photography.

When the shoot ends, and you’re packing up to leave, you’re reminded why you left fashion in the first place. A throng of people wait outside the studio doors, flash cameras held high, yelling and jostling each other. They’re choking at the bit to get the best shot of Jenna and the others when they walk out the doors, like vultures waiting for their pound of flesh. It makes you sick. You stand behind the tinted glass doors, watching the mob with clear distaste.

A voice at your side surprises you, making you jump, “Day in the life,” Jenna sighs, eyeing the crowd.

You hum in agreement, looking back out the window. “You deal with this all the time?”

“Every day,” she grumbles, her eyes tired.

You decide to change the subject, turning away from the doors to look down at her.

“You were great today. You’re a natural.”

Her eyes leave the crowd and turn up to you, “I’m glad you think so, but it’s not natural. I’ve had my fair share of lessons.”

You shrug and start to walk toward the back of the building with her at your side, “Well, it seemed natural. So that’s a good thing. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that, though, because, well, you’re here.”

She snorts, “I guess I can’t pretend being in a Dior promotion isn’t a big deal, can I?”

You give her an exasperated glance, “No. You cannot.”

When you round the corner, a man in a black suit is waiting at the back door. He opens his hand toward Jenna and dips his head, ushering her toward the exit.

“Well, this is my ride. I meant what I said yesterday, though. Text me. I’d really like to hang out, you know, when I’m not working.”

You gulp, nervous at the thought, “O-okay, yeah.”

As soon as she’s out the door, you pull your phone out, frantic to tell someone, anyone, about this. For some reason, your first thought is Dani. You get one text through to her, and she calls you immediately.

“Hey! I’m driving, can’t text. Tell me everything. Did you text her? Did you watch the show? Are you in love yet?!” Her voice comes through with road noise in the background.

You laugh, holding the phone to your ear with your shoulder as you push open the door.

“So, actually, I just photographed her at a Dior shoot. I-”

“YOU WHAT?! God, how are you the luckiest person on the planet? Tell me everything.”

And so you do. On your drive home, you tell her about not knowing what to say over text, how you accidentally bowled Jenna over again, how the shoot went, the conversation about the paparazzi, and how Jenna insisted you text her.

“So?” Dani says, and you hear a horn screeching in the background.

“So what? And are you okay? It sounds like you’ve pissed every driver in LA off.”

“Oh, don’t mind them. I’ve got a great Uber rating they can fuck right off. Did you text her? She doesn’t even have your number yet dude!”

“Oh…shit you’re right!” You yelp, not realizing that, obviously, this interaction was one sided because Jenna couldn’t reach out to you even if she wanted to.

“Okay, I know this friendship is new, but I feel like we’re close enough now for me to tell you. That's your in, idiot! You know what, I’m hanging up right now. Text her. Then tell me everything.”

The phone line dies just as you’re parking. You stare at the phone, absorbing the onslaught of information you’ve just been assaulted with. Dani may have been slightly crazy, but she was right. This was your in. You open the phone, pull up Jenna’s contact and type out a new message.

Hey! Its y/n. I just realized I have your number and never gave you mine.

Anyway, I want to take you up on your offer

I’m off for the next few weeks, so just let me know when you’re free

You stare at the phone, watch as the text bubbles turn blue and the delivered mark appears under them. You bite your lip, anxious about a reply. After a moment, you realize she’s probably an incredibly busy person and would absolutely not text you back immediately.

Jenna

Hows tomorrow sound?

#jenna ortega x fem!reader #jenna ortega #jenna ortega x y/n #jenna ortega x reader

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chantiying · 10 days

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Why do I love you?

How to choose? Take a deep breath, close your eyes, open them and then choose the image that drawn your attention

1 2 3

Before to start, sorry for any mistakes or grammar error. English is not my first language

Remember tarot is not set on stone and you can change your path whenever you want. This is for entertainment purposes

This reading is general so if it doesn't resonate with you just let it go

Pile 1

Hey! Do I really have to give you reasons to understand how much you mean to me? Every conversation we have, from the deepest to the stupidest, through those silences that have never been uncomfortable between us. You keep me grounded, we've been through so much together. Every part of you is beautiful. I know that sometimes you doubt yourself, your body, even your luck, but I love you because despite everything you have lived and you are still here, and you're still fighting. We can do anything as long as we're together, forget those who let you down, forget those who betrayed you, forget all that, because now I'm here for you. Please let me know more about you, please let me help you. Don't be afraid, I do value all the effort you have made to be here, to stay here. I love you, because in spite of all the secrets, all the problems, all the things you've never said, you're still kind, considerate, still smiling and you keep bringing happiness to others.

I want to be with you, to give you my hand, to do crazy things together, I want you to believe in yourself again, and be in the process. I love you because you are my moonlight. Don't let your thoughts destroy you, we'll find our way, we two we'll fight all the monsters and dragons that torment you

I think this pile have a special connection with the moon

Talking to the moon by Bruno Mars

Maybe it's a friend, your crush, or someone who doesn't talk to you anymore or who you lost touch with because of distance. It can also be a spiritual guide. Anyway, it seems to be someone who misses you so much and talk to the moon about you

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Pile 2

I like spending time with you. I love you for all the witticisms you can have, for how free you seem to be, because in you I find a place to call home. I love you simply because that's what I came here for, to spend time with you, to love you, to take care of you, to help you, to fight together. You are a part of me, my fears, my insecurities, the difficult moments. The times you have seen me sad or crying, all those times you have been there for me, make me grateful for how lucky I am. Everything we've been through has only helped strengthen our relationship. I love you because you understand me even with my mood swings, because you could have left, but you've never done it. I want to have you always by my side, like my treasure. I know that you are always there for me, to advise me, to make me laugh, to go out, to forget everything, but I want you to know that I also want to be your shoulder on which you can rest, you are my hope, and I want you to find it in me too. I know you've been busy, but could we go out? Let's forget the worries even for a day, okay?

This connection feels like an old movie, like autumn season, or even like the last day of school

Indie rock music

Imperfect for you by Ariana Grande

It could be a friend, lover or relative

"And in that moment I swear we were infinite"

🎻࿔*:🍂⋆🎻࿔*:🍂

Pile 3

Why do I love you? Easy. You arrived just in time to reach out to me. Maybe I haven't told you this, but before you, I was afraid that no one would really love me, I asked so much for your arrival, I think I manifested you. I know that sometimes I can be absent, that it may seem like I don't care about anything or anyone, but you're the only exception. I love you because you have made me believe in destiny, because if it weren't for you, I don't know where I would be. You are my family, the person who calms me down when my fears seem to win. Remember that I'm there for you, even if sometimes I can't even handle my problems. I love you because you don't judge me, because my problems seem lighter when I'm with you. You make me feel strong. I love you because you take care of me, because you care about me, because I was lost until you found me.

It seems to be someone who is struggling with depression or someone who doesn't know how to externalize their emotions

It's a relief for them to have you

Pop music, maybe social gatherings?

I think it's someone who looks up to you. It may be younger than you or older, but you play the role of "mom" because of how you care about that person

🪼⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🪼⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

Thank you for the support in my last (first) post. you guys are awesome

Alic (Chanty) 🪽

#tarot #tarot reading #tarot asks #tarot cards #tarot tumblr #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #tarot and astrology #pick a card

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weirdbraincustard · 9 months

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the pedestal is yours too

i am important to my SP.

they are lucky to have me in their life.

i bring joy, love, comfort and growth to them.

my SP is grateful to have known me as much as i am grateful to have known them.

we are mirrors to each other resulting in tremendous self-discovery.

i treat my SP as someone i love & someone who loves me. right now. despite everything. i try to be kinder and sit with my triggers that have nothing to do with them. i do not harbour resentment towards their current 3D version because i know i somewhere created this and i have the power to do differently now.

i love them for who they are right now, even if they’re not the ideal version we want them to be and allow them to flourish into a better person. i love them through their unfinished current 3D version, the obstacles, the triggers - because my higher self knows these things are trivial in the long run.

if we continue energetically projecting “SP is not doing enough for me” , “SP is not mirroring my affirmations” and “SP just loves to push all my buttons”, how do we expect to feel loved & cherished?

we can’t expect to receive love, adoration and contentment if we are constantly viewing our SP with the lens of scrutiny, how they’re not enough, how they’re not doing things for you etc. we focus so much on the lack that we forget to be kind to them. they’re also on their own spiritual journey, they’re too learning to live.

detach your SP from your triggers and take a good & kind look at them. understanding them , where they come from & what you can do to soothe them is something you’ll learn along the way. your triggers are the key to manifesting. your triggers are an opportunity to understand why you are the way you are.

#law of assumption #manifestation #neville goddard #affirmdaily #manifesting #self concept #self concept affirmations #daily affirmations #specific person #sp manifestation #love affirmations #manifesting love #persist #law of abundance #law of attraction

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didhewinkback · 12 days

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thirty, flirty and thriving

a something old blurb for the birthday boy. 2 and a half months late but who's counting

word count: essentially 3k, warnings: none

---

He can feel tears prick his eyes the second they all start in on the song. All of his favorite people in one place, just for him, gathered around the cake you’re holding up. Suppose he’s someone who cries at birthdays now.

He’s just…bloody overwhelmed. Perhaps it’s all the tequila flowing through his veins but it feels like more than that. Thinking about how you somehow managed to surprise him with all these people to celebrate his birthday, that his friends - some of whom he hasn’t spoken to in ages, ranging from the lads from school to the friends he made in LA when he was 22 - all made the trek to London to be with him tonight. How he’s often the youngest in his group of friends and how it feels like just yesterday that meant being 19 in a group of 30 year olds and now it's being 30 in a group of friends on the other side of 40.

He’s fucking thirty.

It should send him into a spiral about where the time has gone and how it went by so bloody quick but right now, he’s just grateful for where it’s landed him. Right here. Surrounded by his favorite people on the planet, his arm wrapped around the shoulders of the woman he’s going to marry, his best friend in the entire world. Ten years ago, he was getting monstrously drunk at a club with Grimmy and their mates, feeling both on top of the world and more alone than ever in ways only an incredibly famous 20 year old can. But here and now, he feels settled. He feels good. Like he’s lived a thousand lifetimes but also like he’s just getting started.

“....happppy birthday to yOouUuUou” everyone sings, all eyes on him as they wait for him to blow out the candles. He places his palm to his chest, trying to lock eyes with as many people as humanly possible, trying to say thank you with a look, doesn’t want to do a speech, not now. He just loves these people, he loves this life, he loves his birthday and –

He feels an elbow in his side and looks over at you, your face aglow from the absurd amount of candles you’ve squeezed onto the cake - he’s 30, not 87, thanks - your eyebrows raised in expectation.

“Cake’s fucking heavy, mate” you say and he throws his head back in laughter, smacking a kiss to your head before looking back out at the party.

“Sorry - know the wax ‘s getting everywhere, but just wanted to say -” he says, taking a deep breath, vision blurring a bit. “‘M so lucky and feel so grateful to you all for being here. Thank you’s never going to be enough. But you’ve all made me into the man I am today ‘nd I wouldn’t be me without you. So thank you and I love you, I love you, I love you.”

And with that, he takes a deep breath, squeezing you close and making a wish, wishing for every birthday to feel just like this, for the ability to make everyone in this room feel like they’re making him feel now as he blows all the candles out in one swoop. The party erupts in cheers and whoops and he barely has time to press another kiss to your cheek before he’s pulled back into the fray, bombarded with an endless stream of hugs, kisses, people rubbing his head and pressing glasses of tequila into his hand. He just feels like he could burst, is the thing. A room full of people who know him and love him and don’t want or need anything from him, just want to celebrate him for who he is. They’ve turned the music back on and he sways his hips and stomps his feet as he knocks back another glass, letting the beats wash over him as he gets lost in the crowd of friends.

It’s later, he’s tucked in a booth with the lads as he takes in the room around him, though it’s spinning a bit more than it was before. Tom’s got his arm around him and is telling the 18th embarrassing anecdote of the night, trying in vain to bury the fact that just moments ago he got a bit teary when he spoke about the first time they met. And that’s when he sees you across the way, laughing about something with Johnny. His eyes trace the line of your neck as you tilt your head back, the curve of your jaw, and then, as if you can sense him, your eyes lock with his.

It never gets old, this. It feels like electric currents are buzzing through his system when you smile at him, that just for him smile, as he tilts his head towards the doors leading out back, once, twice, three times, topping it off with a dramatic roll of his neck until you’re smirking, already making your way up to stand. He taps Tom on the thigh before sliding out of the booth and making his way over to where you’re waiting by the doors, instantly wrapping his arm around your waist and burying his face into your hair, breathing you in as the two of you duck outside.

It’s cold, but the heaters and fire pits around the patio help and he wraps himself around your back, matching you step for step as you head over to the corner railings, away from any prying eyes. You lean against the railing, looking up at the night sky, what you can make of it from the city lights. He wraps his arms tighter around you, nuzzling his face into your neck.

“Y’ cold?” he asks and you’re shaking your head but he feels you shiver against him and that’s all the answer he needs, already pulling his suit jacket off despite your protests, and holding it out for you to put it on. “C’mon, ‘s my birthday wish.”

You shake your head and snort, sliding your arms into the jacket and turning around, wrapping your arms around his waist as you smile up at him. He shuffles you a bit closer to the heater, pressing a kiss to your cheek, brushing his knuckle along your jaw.

“Good birthday?” you ask softly and he’s already nodding, can’t believe you’re even asking.

“The best,” he says, “Can’t believe you did all this.”

“You really had no idea?”

“Surprised the shit out of me.” he says. “Y’ always get stressed when we’re running late for dinner so that’s the only reason I thought y’ were being jumpy.”

“Oiii–” you say, slapping him lightly as you laugh. “Not my fault you took ages to get ready. Man’s early for everything but the second you tell him what time to meet at a restaurant, he moves in bloody slo mo.”

“Heeey.” he whines, but there’s no heat behind it, pulling you closer and laughing when you do.

He can hear the party raging on from out here and he still just can’t wrap his mind around it. That he’s 30. That he’s gotten to live the life he has over the last ten years and he has all those people in there to thank. He’s bowled over, the love in that room radiating through his every pore. Not sure he ever knew he could be this loved.

He can feel your eyes on him and knows you’re letting him gather his thoughts, content to just stand there and patiently wait until he’s ready. Letting him do what he needs to do. Never pushing, or prying. Just knowing him. And loving him. And there’s just something about that, isn’t there?

“‘M just like…” he starts to say, stopping himself when he feels emotion clog his throat. “I cried 10 times already. Bloody Cal is here.”

“Easiest party planning of my life,” you say back softly, tightening your arms around him. “Everyone said yes immediately, they were so excited to celebrate you. Everyone in there really, really loves you.”

His breath gets caught in his throat at that, blinking back the tears that seem to permanently reside in his eyes tonight. He rests his hand along the side of your face, dragging his thumb along your jaw. Not sure what he did to get nights like this, to get you looking at him like that. He’s so, so lucky.

“I really, really love you.” you say softly and he just - he can’t explain the noise that escapes him as he crashes his lips against yours, tightening his grip on your jaw as he kisses you the way he’s been thinking about all night. You sigh against his lips as he pulls you impossibly closer to him, lips not daring to leave yours for a second, kissing you over and over again.

He could stand here forever, kissing you like this, but he has to breathe, eventually. He pulls back slowly, kissing along your jaw, cheek, temple before burying his head into your neck. You slide your arms up his back, hugging him around the neck and pulling him close, your hand coming up to rest at the nape of his neck, scratching at the short hairs there. You just stand there for a minute, wrapped up in each other and this may just be his favorite part of the night. There’s something about knowing he’ll always have this. Your arms to fall into. And that’s the greatest birthday present a lad could ask for.

“Thank you so much for all this,” he mumbles into your ear. “Best birthday ever. Proper birthday.”

His heart skips a beat when he hears your delighted laugh, pulling back to get a glimpse of your face, the way your eyes are glowing as they stare back at him.

“I can’t believe you remember that.” you say with a laugh. “You were pissed and burning your mouth on a cheese toastie almost a decade ago when you said that.”

“Mmm, a cheese toastie,” he says, giggling at your eye roll. “Course I remember it. Think it every year. ‘S not a proper birthday unless you’re there. I love you so, so much.”

“Thanks for being born,” you say softly, leaning into his touch. “Greatest thing to ever happen to me. You.”

“Baby - ” he breathes out, but can feel emotion clogging his throat again, trying in vain to blink away the tears your words made spring to his eyes. His thumb brushes over your cheekbone, hand shaking not just from the cold. A lifetime of knowing you and you still make him weak at the knees.

“Y’ make every day feel like my birthday, y’ know that?” he says softly, feeling like he’s found the right words for the first time tonight. “This party ‘nd this night is incredible. But nothing - nothing - compares to getting to go home with you every night. Greatest gift I ever got.”

He can see the words hit you, the deep breath you take as your eyes rake over his features, smile twitching at your lips as you look at him with such love in your eyes he feels his heart skip a beat. You’re looking at him like you always look at him, really, really seeing him with nothing but utter love in your eyes. God. There aren’t words for that, are there?

You pull him in, kissing him hard, like you’re trying to pour every ounce of love from your mouth to his and he’s more than happy to drink it up. Drink you up. Drink you in. His favorite taste, his favorite mouth, his favorite person on his favorite day.

His hands squeeze you tighter, living for the way you lean into his touch as it rakes down your back, settling on your bum. He could lose himself in this, in you. But you both seem to become aware of your environment at the same time, deep kisses slowing into gentle pecks before you drag your lips up his jaw, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek as you pull him close, hugging him tightly. His arms wrap around your waist as he sinks into your hold. He nuzzles his head into your neck, breathing you in, as he slowly sways the two of you, the party mere background noise to the sounds of your steady breathing, the feel of your hands carding through his short hair.

It’s a while before he moves, slowly, begrudgingly, pressing a kiss to your neck and tightening his arms around you before mumbling, “I’ve got a crazy idea,” into your skin.

He lifts his head to look at your face, can see your eyes twinkling, already bracing yourself for what he’s about to say, already in on the joke. It’s a bit he’s been doing every few weeks at this point, ever since you set the date.

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” you ask, unable to stop the smile growing on your face as you slide your arms down his shoulders, resting your hands on his biceps.

“Was thinking - since y’ did such a good job planning this party… what do y’ say we throw another one? Like, end of June maybe? Right after your birthday?” he says, pretending to actually mull over those dates, trying to remain deadly serious while your lips twitch into a smile.

“Hmm. I think I could be down for that.”

“Yeah? Same guest list, bit more of your friends. Some family maybe. Could do it in Italy, near the house.” he says, trying to keep up the bit but the reality of what he’s saying is catching up to him, the familiar tears making an appearance again as he chokes out his next words. “Y’ could wear white.”

“And you could wear a suit.” you say softly, eyes never wavering from his. “Maybe get a new ring.”

“Yeah. You’d like that?” he asks, bringing his hand up to your face when you nod. “You wanna marry me, baby?”

“I really, really do.” you say, the look in your eyes making his heart beat out of his chest.

“Four months,” he says quietly, almost in disbelief of his luck, his life. “You’re gonna be my wife in four months.”

He can’t tell who moves in first after that, both of you clutching on for dear life as you just about snog the living daylights out of each other. He’s never wanted to ditch a party more in his life. Just wants you, your bedroom, and several hours to even begin to express all he’s feeling right now, all he wants. It’s you, it’s you, it’s you.

You softly moan into his mouth and he just about loses his mind, thinking about he’ll have a lifetime of getting that sound out of you, just for him. He pulls you impossibly closer as he drags his tongue over yours, keeping your jaw in a tight grip. He could die here, actually. He’d die a happy man, being slowly taken apart by your mouth.

“Oiii!!!” Johnny’s voice through the open door has the two of you springing apart in shock, though he doesn’t let you get far, burying his head in your neck as he moves his hand off your jaw to flip Johnny off.

“If you’re both done rubbing against each other out here –”

“Oh grow up, Johnny!” you shout at the same time Harry lets out a “You wish!” that has you smacking him against the head as he laughs.

“The Holmes Chapel lot did promise Hometown Hero over there a birthday shot.” he slurs and Harry begrudgingly pulls away from you to twist towards the doors, pulling your back into his chest as you both face Johnny, his hands resting on your shoulders. “And we’ve been waiting bloody ages –”

“So bloody dramatic,” you huff and Harry laughs, pressing a kiss to the back of your head.

“We’ll be right in,” he says watching as Johnny rolls his eyes, holding up a hand to indicate “you’ve got one minute”, as he turns back inside and closes the door behind him.

“Suppose we better go in,” you say, turning to look at him over your shoulder and he all but swells with pride at the look of you, the swollen lips and slightly messy hair. He tilts your chin a bit more towards him and kisses you once more, squeezing your shoulder before taking a step back. You shrug out of his jacket despite his groan, handing it back to him as you bring your hands up to attempt to smooth down your hair.

“Let’s go, old man.” you say and he squawks, sliding the jacket back on before giving you a cheeky smack on your bum, which you try in vain to dodge before reaching for his hand, interlacing your fingers and heading back into the fray.

The night spirals from there in the best possible way and while he may not remember every conversation he had, every song he danced to, every shot he took, he’ll always remember the way that room made him feel, the love radiating towards him, overwhelming him, inspiring him, fortifying him. He’ll always remember the feeling of your hand in his, the way your body felt against his own, and later, the taste of you on his tongue. Feeling like he could do anything with you by his side, your love making him feel like the greatest version of himself. Like the best is still yet to come, if that's even possible.

Proper birthday.

---

a/n: the way i literally had 3/4 of this written on february 1st and then could not get myself to finish it. but here we areeeee baby. hope people are still interested. i really like it and couldnt let it go. let me know what u think love u mean it

taglist:@tobesolovelysstuff, @louyoursins, @daydreamingofmatilda, @jojo-blog53, @marzhshaim, @devilsqueen722, @just-happiness-only,@lomlhstyles, @feestyles, @spock4presidnet, @sunshinemoonsposts, @indierockgirrl, @jerseygirlinca, @kissitnhekitchen, @goldnrry,

#something old #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles birthday #friends to lovers #hbd 2.5 months late i guess #sorry to all the angels in my inbox who requested a lot of other things and definitely not this #ur girl couldnt give this one up #lmk what you think plssss oh pls

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lesbianpepsi · 10 months

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'Cause I'm a jealous, jealous, jealous girl | part II

pairing: tara carpenter x fem!reader

summary: The next morning...

words: 1.932.k (i'm sorry it's so short)

warnings: light swearing, reader doesn't like lucky charms (idc what anyone says they're overrated asf), bad writing

authors note: i am still astounded by the fact how big part one got, thank you all so much for all the notes. i hope you enjoy this :)

The next morning you didn’t wake up till two in the afternoon, still feeling utterly exhausted. Your ankle still aches but not nearly as bad it was yesterday. Feeling hot you throw the duvet off of yourself as you push yourself up the bed till you feel your back against the headboard.

“God,” you groan to yourself as you look down at the ankle brace, your mind flooding with the memory of the pain of it all yesterday. Definitely time for a painkiller or something, you think to yourself as you hastily fling your legs out of the bed.

Stretching your arms as far as you possibly could you snag the crutches off of the floor, skillfully putting them on and standing up soon after. As you wobble over to your door you glance at the mirror right next to the door, as you catch your face in the reflection you couldn’t help but smirk slightly as a surge of confidence hits you.

Pulling your attention away from the mirror you go to open the door, the second you pull the door open you’re met with Tara with her hand already extended to open the door. You slightly jump at the sudden appearance whereas Tara lets out a small scream as she takes a step back.

“Oh my god my heart just fell out of my asshole.” She mutters to herself as you let out a laugh at her panicked state. You grin as you hopped over to Tara, the smaller girl having a nervous gleam in her eye.

“For someone who loves horror you get scared so easily.” You teased with that grin still occupying your face. Tara let out a dry laugh as her eyes connected with yours, leaning closer.

“How’re you feeling?” She asks you in a tender voice, her hand moving to caress up and down your arm. You swallowed nervously as your eyes gazed toward Tara's scarred hand, the contact of her soft palm on your skin making goosebumps rise all over your arm. Nodding your head weakly you replied. “The pain isn’t as bad as it was yesterday.”

“Good, that's good.” Tara says with a soft smile that weakened your knees, you’ve never been more grateful for those crutches. She doesn’t remove her hand off your arm even after her words, even after you don’t say anything back except smiling.

After a moment Tara guides you over to the living room and to the sofa she had slept on the previous night, guilt bubbled up in your stomach at the fact she had to sleep out here.

“What do you want for your lunch?” Tara asked as her hawk eyes stared at you as you slowly sat down on the couch, dropping your crutches to the floor. Once comfortable you smile at Tara as you shrug your shoulders. “Cereal?.”

Tara smiled with surprise as she tilted her head slightly. “What cereal do you want?”

“Honey nut cheerios are more than good with me.” Tara gives a disgusted look at that, shaking her head in disappointment. “I still don’t get how you prefer that over the best cereal ever made, lucky charms. You practically hate it!”

“I don’t hate it, Tara. I loathe it. I only buy it in case you get hungry and want a snack while you’re here.” You defend as Tara laughs heavenly as she walks off to head towards the kitchen.

You relaxed further into the couch as you looked at the TV screen where Hereditary had been paused, you snickered to yourself as the words ‘horror snob’ buzzed in your mind.

Tara returns within five minutes with two bowls, one bowl of lucky charms in her left hand and a bowl of honey nut cheerios on her right hand. She places them down on the coffee table before she briskly exits again to only return seconds later with a bottle of water and a packet of brand new Ibuprofen.

She drops them on the coffee table as you grab your red bowl full of cheerios, greedily shoving your small spoon and collecting as much as you could. “Take one.” Tara demands softly as she points at the pills taking a seat next to you with her own bowl of cereal.

You do as you're told without much argument to which Tara grins at as she presses play to the movie without any word. The two of you stayed in silence as the movie played, eating your cereal as your heart picked up its pace any time you turned to glance at Tara’s side profile.

Once down with your lunch you discarded the bowl back onto the coffee table as you not so subtly shifted closer to Tara, Tara not so subtly shifted closer to you too. You swallowed down any emotion rising up in your throat as you turned your head to look at Tara, knowing exactly what both of you were thinking about.

“You talked to Sam this morning?” You asked, caringly making Tara turn her own head to look over at you. “We texted a bit, mostly her asking if I’m safe and if you’re safe.” You let out a small laugh as you nod your head weakly, not surprised at all.

Sam’s a really good older sister, although she has some rough edges she always means well.

You catch Tara’s eyes as they lock with yours, a look that you can’t tell in her eyes. Her eyes wide like saucers as her hand makes its way onto the top of your hand. Eyes flickered down to her warm hand warming up yours you felt butterflies in your stomach.

She wants to know.

Your eyes looked up at hers as her eyes gaze all over your head and you notice they last particularly the longest on your forehead, a grin quickly plasters on your lips at that. Your eyebrows raise as Tara’s eyes connect with yours once again.

“Is there something on my face?” You enquired lowly as you leaned closer to the visibly flustered girl. A scarlet hue blush tainting her soft cheeks as she gazed up at you, shaking her head slowly.

You cocked your head to the side like a husky as you hummed, leaning closer until your lips hovered over Tara’s ear, the tip of the ear stained with that familiar red blush on her cheeks. “Are you lying to me Tara?”

Tara swallowed dryly as her eyes shut tightly, the grip her hand had on your arm tightening. “Maybe.” She whispered slowly.

“I think you are, wanna know why?” You crooned into her ear making her shiver from her spine right to her feet.

“Tell me.” She pleaded in an almost inaudible volume.

“‘Cause I remember.” You say.

The room fell silent as the movie finished a few minutes ago, the only thing being heard is your and Tara’s soft breaths. “I told you I’d remember.” You said almost triumphantly as you pulled away so you could look into Tara’s dark chocolate eyes.

Tara grinned mischievously as she bit her lower lip as her eyes looked into yours. “Why else did you think I kissed you with my lipstick still on?” She teased with a laugh as her eyes flickered up to the still noticeable pink lipstick mark on your forehead. “To make sure you’d remember.” She said, whispering the end out.

You smiled as you swallowed the nerves in hopes of replacing them with confidence, but one look at Tara’s perfectly structured face the nerves returned as did a gentle blush to your cheeks.

“You still haven’t answered my question, by the way.” You remember with a smirk as your eyes glimpsed down at her lips feeling your mouth becoming incredibly dry at the sight. Licking your lips you look back at Tara who's already looking at you with doe eyes.

“What was the question again? For the life of me I cannot remember.” Tara remarked; you hummed playfully as you nodded your head while you let out the sound. “Oh you can’t remember?” You asked with sarcasm to which Tara nodded her head as she pursed her lips, pretending to be in deep thought.

“Was it something like I’d be the better girlfriend compared to that weird doctor?” She says as she leans the ever slightest closer.

You raised your eyebrows as you chuckled. “Oh was that the question?” Tara nodded her head as her eyes lowered to your lips before she slowly raised them to look into your left eye then right eye.

“What was your answer again? For the life of me I cannot remember.” You mimicked her words as you leaned even closer yourself, you could feel her breaths against your face. “Was it something like I should go back to the hospital to ask Doctor Edwards out on a date?” You said as you copied her own, smirking as you noticed the green eyed monster appear in Tara’s eyes.

Her teasing smile that dishevelled into a straight line as her breath trickled against your lips, her hand raising to your waist. “Or was it something else, Tara?” You whispered against her lips, your eyes gazing into hers.

“A better option.” Tara mumbled before she crashed her lips onto yours, your eyes shut instantly at the contact as a pathetic gasp escaped your mouth at the feeling. Lifting your hand you dropped it on her neck as you pulled her closer, kissing her back eagerly.

She pushed her entire body physically closer to you as she carried on kissing your lips desperately. You swallowed a whimper as you gripped at her waist and pulled her onto your waist to which Tara gladly accepted.

Heaven is the only word you can actually think of as you kiss Tara; the mixed feelings of your heart thudding against your ribcage with speed as an immense amount of butterflies flew around in your stomach.

The gnawing feeling of needing oxygen slowly started to hit you, you ignored it as you felt Tara’s hand slide under your shirt, shamelessly moving around with confidence. You whimpered pathetically at the contact as Tara swiped her tongue along your bottom lip, you readily opened your mouth allowing her free access.

You could feel the desperation of oxygen reaching its max resulting in you reluctantly pulling away, leaning your forehead against Tara’s as your heart raced. Tara whined as she went to chase your lips again, you laughed dryly as you shook your head weakly.

“No Doctor Edwards then?” You teased as a flash of jealousy crossed Tara’s eyes.

“No.” Tara tells you as she tries catching her own breath, her chest rising up and down at a rapid pace. You smiled as you huffed. “No Doctor Edwards.” You repeated.

“I do think we’d make a cute couple.” Your head perks up like a cat as you gaped at Tara, smiling as your hands made their way around her waist. “I’ve liked you for a really long time, Tar.” You admit softly as your hand caresses at her back.

Tara beams at your words as her smile widens revealing her adorable dimples making your heart skip a beat at the stunning view. “I’ve liked you for a really long time too, Y/n.” Tara confesses as her hand moves up to your neck, her fingers playing the back of your neck, you shiver intensely at the sensation.

“Go on a date with me.” You announce a bit too loudly, Tara grins as she leans ever closer to you, your breath hitching at the closeness.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

---------

taglist: @bigbadsofty07

a/n: if anyone wants, they can send in requests about this specific fic like, the full scene when they met, tara helping reader, the first date and so and and so in. if you've reached this far thank you so much for reading this, love you and remember to stay hydrated my loves 🖤

#tara carpenter x fem reader #tara carpenter x reader #'Cause I'm a jealous jealous jealous girl #tara carpenter x you #tara carpenter x y/n #tara carpenter #jealous tara carpenter #jenna ortega x reader #scream six #scream #my fiction #my fanfiction

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i-am-totally-not-a-lizard · 10 months

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It's so insane how connected the internet makes us. The fact that someone on the other side of the world can see what I'm writing in real time. Just wow. The fact that I can listen to my playlist with music made by complete strangers I will never know in Korean, Japanese, Spanish, and Norwegian while lying on my warm bed in my home in America and not even give it a second thought. The fact that I'm connected instantaneously to billions of other people with just a couple taps on a screen.

This is one of those moments where I feel like I really was born in the right generation. This is so incredible. Thank you all for being here, connected to me through undersea cables and power lines. Who all tapped your phones in just the right sequence to find me, and decided you liked me enough to find this message. Thank you. We really do live in a world of marvels. We're so desensitized to modernity that I think we don't take enough time to appreciate how absolutely mind blowing it all is.

Like... This random post I'm typing at 2 am is going to be immortalized forever. That's insane! We're so lucky to have that type of record, and reach, and platform. We're so insanely lucky to be living in the present moment. I'm just so thankful. Thank you to everyone who made this moment possible. The creators of every invention. The laborers in every factory. All the individual consumers and users. My parents, and their parents, and all my ancestors too. All the artists and mechanics and politicians who butterfly effected they way to this moment. Thank you. I'm so grateful to be here. I'm so grateful to have all that I have. I love this moment. I love being here. I love you all.

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sirfrogsworth · 5 months

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I posted the below on my Facebook. I am secretly trying to head things off at the pass. Every time people see pictures of me out and about, they think I have been magically cured or my health status has improved. And I know going to Florida is going to give people that impression.

But also, I just wish a few of my relatives could understand my situation better. And why I didn't come to Christmas. And why I might try to come to Christmas now.

I guess I'll see how this goes.

-----------------------------------

One of the biggest struggles I've had my entire adult life is explaining why I appear fine whenever people see me. I say I am very sick and bed-bound and then they see me and I am out of bed and talking and joking and... a normal healthy person.

What many don't realize is I am making a choice.

A choice to get sick.

I can use up all my energy in a short time frame to accomplish a difficult chore or entertain a friend or go to a doctor, but that is going to have a consequence.

The more I do, the more severe the consequence.

In the ME/CFS world this is called "post-exertional malaise." (for those interested, you can read more about it here: https://rthm.com/art.../what-is-post-exertional-malaise-pem/ )

Imagine every time you wanted to do something, you were *choosing* to get the flu.

Take a walk, get the flu.

Exercise, get the flu.

Spend a night out with friends, get the flu.

And you might be thinking, "Okay, it can't be as bad as the flu. I've had the flu and the flu sucks. No one would choose that."

I may not get the nasty respiratory symptoms, but everything else is pretty much the same. Crippling fatigue, horrible aches, and the loss of the will to do much of anything. Sometimes it is much worse than the flu. Some people don't know how much being this exhausted can hurt. They have never used up enough energy that their body is unable to power itself properly. I usually say it is like every cell in my body is starving and screaming for energy. I feel it in every inch of my body—and not just on the surface... through and through. So, like... cubic inches.

Sometimes I don't even have the energy to power my legs. Trying to stand feels exactly the same as trying to lift a barbell with way more weight than you can lift. I can't get upstairs or even walk to the kitchen. It's a concentrated misery that defies description, despite my constant attempts to try.

Sometimes I get lucky and this flu lasts for a day or two. But the more active I am, the longer it can last. And the severity increases as well. There is also a cumulative version of this—where if I do a bunch of little things over a longer period of time, eventually it will catch up to me and I may be stuck in bed for a few weeks.

And when I say "stuck in bed" I mean stuck in bed.

Short trips to the bathroom and a few minutes in the kitchen to make food. If I spend too much time upright, my legs will literally give out and I will be stuck on the floor until I recharge enough energy to get up again. It would be like every time you needed to get up, you had to hold your breath. Not to mention, the more I do, the longer the recovery will take.

For a long time I chose to never get the flu. I stayed in bed and did just enough to avoid the worst of PEM. I skipped family get-togethers. I didn't see my friends. And I lived my life inside the computer. Some may find that sad, but I actually found a way to make this work. I ran a successful blog that was seen by millions of people and I met my two best friends who I now consider my new family.

One thing that allowed me to choose not to get the flu was my parents. I fear some thought they were spoiling me. They did my laundry. They helped clean my room. They got my groceries. They cooked my food. They took on any chore they could so I could avoid the flu and live some semblance of a life on my computer. There is a lot of guilt wrapped up in that. I didn't ask them to do that. They just sort of... did. And I am so grateful to them.

To be fair, they would have to do these chores for themselves anyway, and tacking on my stuff wasn't a huge deal. But I know it caused them a little extra pain and a few post exertional consequences of their own. So I appreciated that sacrifice more than I can put into words.

But then they both got very sick. And not only could they not help me with my stuff, I had to help them with their stuff. And this was a difficult transition. I had to choose to get the flu to take care of my parents, but then if I got the flu, and I couldn't take care of my parents. I believe this is called a catch-22.

My initial solution was to just not take care of myself. At all. My health and mental well-being was set aside and I just gave all of my energy to them. I didn't shower. I forgot to take important medicines. I didn't do a single thing that brought me joy. And I'm reminded of that analogy of the airplane emergency where the oxygen masks drop. You put on your mask first before you put one on your child. Your instinct is to save them first at all costs. But if you pass out, they are screwed.

So I kept getting that cumulative version of the flu. I'd help them as much as I could for a week or a month and then I'd be useless to them for just as long. Living in the basement did not help. Stairs were very hard for me and constantly going up and down was a huge waste of energy.

And I'm sad to say, the level of care I gave to my mom was not great. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand how to balance my needs with hers. And it led to costly mistakes. She had several preventable falls that caused injuries. At one point she spent hours on the floor because I fell asleep and did not check on her. When you know someone needs regular supervision, you need to synchronize sleepy time.

Thankfully I learned from all of these lessons. Maybe not as quickly as I would have liked, but I did figure it out. I just wish I had learned them before my mom passed. I just wasn't able to give her the help she needed.

And you can tell me "you did your best" all you like, but this isn't a guilt I am choosing. It's just there and I feel it no matter what anyone says. In time I am hoping it will get lighter, but I'm afraid it cannot be wiped away with a well-intentioned platitude.

But with my dad, I decided to move upstairs. That was something I should have done much sooner. But I liked having my personal space and that was hard to give up. When he slept, I slept. When he spent 4 hours at dialysis 3x per week, I would make sure to take care of any personal needs. I would do chores a tiny bit at a time. 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there. And then I would lay on the couch in between and regain my strength. I did everything possible to not get the flu. And I got my flu shots so I wouldn't get the actual flu. (Get your flu shot! 50K die from it every year!) The only hitch in my plan was when I got a kidney stone at the same time my dad was in rehab. I have no idea how I got us through that.

I was very proud of the care I was able to give my dad. And I'm so grateful I was able to pay back just a tiny bit of what my parents did to help me. And the care I gave my father is the only thing that helps me feel better about my failures with my mom.

But now I am entering a new chapter of my life. And I find myself choosing to get the flu more often. I have decided sometimes it is worth the consequences. Part of that is because I am more used to it after dealing with it for 20 years. I have coping mechanisms and procedures and techniques to manage the symptoms. It doesn't make them suck any less, but it definitely makes it more manageable. It's akin to people with chronic pain who still feel the pain just as profoundly as when it was new, but they get so used to it that they forget that isn't how they are supposed to feel.

I approached this scientifically. I did tests. I went to the movies. I tried once a week and that was too much. Then I scaled it back and that was more manageable. Then I realized I had movies at home and decided to end that experiment.

I started to put my energy into something I enjoyed more. My photography. So I have been finding new ways to take pictures again. More experiments. I'm designing a simpler studio that requires much less energy. I'm creating a little product photography workstation where I don't have to set up everything each time I want to take a cool picture of an object. It will just be "turn on the lights" and "take the pictures."

Figuring all of this out made me realize how much I missed photography. And since I have been shooting test pictures here and there, my mental health has been noticeably better. And once I get this all figured out and set up, I am hoping some of you will let me take your photo. Or a photo of your kid. Or a pet. Whatever you have that needs photographing, I'm game.

I'm not going to charge. It's not going to be a business. I do not have the energy to "hustle." And asking people for money just sucked all of the fun out of my beloved art form. It corrupted it. I just love taking pictures and if you need a photo, I'd like to do that for you. I also restore old photos for fun. I'll talk about all of this more in another post when I am ready to start.

And then my grand experiment is coming next week.

I am going to travel.

I am going to see my best friend in Florida for two days. Two days of travel and two days of visiting. This is a scary choice. I know the aftermath is going to be difficult. But I need to get out of this house. I need to see my chosen family in person. And I have never been on a plane and I love the perspective from high places. I know people hate air travel, but for me, looking out that viewport is stunning television that cannot be matched.

Purposely making myself sick sounds like a bad idea. But it isn't life threatening. I have the free time to recover as long as I need to. And I can always choose not to get sick for a while if it gets too hard.

I just ask that people not see this as going from a worse life to a better one. I was really proud of the life I was able to create for myself while staying in bed. That took a long time to figure out. I met some of my favorite people. And I accomplished things I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams. Please do not shit on that life and think it was sad or meaningless. I was given that life as a gift from my parents and it kept me alive. It has always been a huge insult when people pitied that precious gift they gave me.

This is not a better life that I am trying to figure out. It is just better for me right now. My needs have changed. I have changed. So I am trying to adapt. I just ask that people understand when I go out and do something, please remember the choice I am making.

You may be tempted to say, "You are doing so much better!" I am not any better than I was 10 years ago. Actually, my health has degraded. It's just that before I didn't think getting the flu every time I did something was worth it. And I would hope everyone would understand that was a valid choice.

And now I am inviting those consequences.

On purpose.

Give me the flu, I guess.

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bratzforchris · 3 months

Note

what about really soft virgin!reader sex where her and luke have been going out for a while and they’re older and she’s just never felt so strong about losing it until now after they come back from a dinner date, and he’s very soft and reassuring and they confess their love to each other in the middle of it ♥︎

Yours

❃

Summary: In which you decide to finally let Luke know how much you love him<3

Warnings: Smut, vanilla sex, missionary, making out, virgin!reader, fluffy aftercare

Word Count: 1.9k

A/N: I'm am so terribly sorry for the late post, anon :) I have been going through...a lot in my personal life, as well as working on a full-length fic with lots of queer and neurodiverse rep (hint hint ;)). Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy and thank you for such a sweet prompt!

❃

You smiled, blushing and averting your eyes as Luke kissed your knuckles from across the dinner table. You two were currently out for dinner at a wonderfully luxurious French restaurant for Valentine’s Day, and Luke was making the butterflies in your stomach go wild. You’d been dating for a little over a year now, but he still made you feel like a young girl, giggling and blushing over her school crush.

“You are so beautiful,” the blond hummed, gazing at you as the candles on the table lit up his blue eyes. “How did I get so lucky?”

“More like how did I get so lucky?” You smiled softly, sipping your wine.

Luke kissed your knuckles again, taking his time to admire how beautiful you were. He knew that you were rather insecure about still dating in your late twenties while all your friends were married, but he felt so beyond lucky to have you that he felt a strong pull to make sure you really knew just how much better you made his life.

“More wine?” Luke asked you, nodding his head towards your empty glass.

“I was actually thinking that we could head back to yours?” You asked softly, blushing the whole time.

You’d recently been thinking about your life and how you felt about Luke, and realized that you wanted him on a deeper level. You knew Luke was your person, soulmate, if you would. You watched as Luke’s smile grew at what you said. He quickly called over the waiter, paying the bill, and standing up, taking your hand.

“That sounds perfect to me.” he smiled, kissing the top of your head.

One of your favorite things about Luke was how protective and loving he was. He refused to treat you as anything less than a lady, and that was evident as he held your hand through the restaurant. The evening air was chilly as you walked out of the restaurant, and Luke held you close as you walked to his Range Rover, giggling softly at how adorable he thought you were. He had never had a girlfriend that was as wonderful as you were, and he absolutely relished in the fact that he could spoil you, but you still respected him as more than a cash cow.

“God, you make it so easy to love you.” You told him, kissing his cheek as Luke started the car and helped you in.

“I’m amazing, aren’t I?” he asked with a satirical hair flip.

You giggled as Luke began to drive, leaning your head against the window as you watched the lights of downtown go by. You had recently moved in with Luke on the outskirts of LA where many celebrities and musicians lived, and getting to have this life with your boyfriend made you so eternally grateful. It was a stark contrast to how you had grown up, and even to your early 20s, but it was amazing nonetheless. Luke took care of you in the best possible ways, making sure that you were cared for not only physically and financially, but emotionally and mentally as well.

Which is why you took his hand, tugging him to the master bedroom once you two had arrived home. “I wanted to talk to you.” You hummed, sitting down on the bed.

“Is everything alright?” the blond asked, worry creasing around his blue eyes as he took off his watch.

“Yes,” Your blush deepend. “It’s just…you know I’m a virgin.”

“I do know that,” Luke walked over to where you were sitting and pressed a kiss to your forehead. “Is that what you wanted to talk about? Because you know I’m okay with waiting until whenever you’re ready.” he whispered softly.

“That’s just it. I am ready.” Your eyes sparkled as you looked up at Luke.

You could see the expression on his face change from one of concern, to one of eagerness. His eyes roamed up and down your body, spending an extra bit of time at your cleavage.

“Are you sure?” Luke kissed you softly, running his thumb across your jawline. “Don’t do it for me, baby girl. Do what feels right for you.”

“I’m sure,” You nodded firmly, kissing him back. “I want to lose my virginity to you, Luke. Tonight.”

“Well in that case,” Luke chuckled, running his hands along your back and then under your shirt until they met the clasp of your bra. “May I?”

You nodded, moaning softly at the electric touch that was Luke’s warm hands on your skin. He slowly undid your bra and then pulled it off along with your shirt. The blond quickly unbuttoned his own white button-down, tossing it onto the bedroom floor.

“My gorgeous, gorgeous girl,” he whispered, trailing kisses from your lips, across your cheeks, to the sweet spot behind your ear. “Tonight is all about you.” Luke told you with a soft growl, beginning to suckle softly.

You ran your hands along his bare back, feeling the warmth seep into your own skin. The feeling of Luke leaving hickeys along your neck was alighting your nerves, making you buck your hips closer to him. You were filled with want for your boyfriend, and you were pretty sure this was the first time you’d ever felt truly horny. Your clit throbbed against the seams of your underwear in your jeans and you nearly had to cross your legs to fight the feeling.

Luke laid you back against the soft, cushiony pillows of your shared king-sized bed, straddling you and hooking his finger into the waistband of your jeans before speaking. “Is it alright if I take these off?”

You could feel the blond’s hardening cock brushing against your already sensitive crotch, and you let out a small whine. “Please.”

Luke kissed your tummy, slowly undoing the button of your jeans and sliding them down your legs. “You are so, so beautiful. I’m so honored that I get to be your first.” he whispered, planting a kiss on your lacy, pink underwear.

The blond was being extra slow and gentle, and you loved him for it. Most men would jump at taking a woman’s virginity, not even considering how she might be feeling, but not Luke. He was taking his time, worshiping every inch and curve of your body and leaving soft kisses and hickeys all over your skin. Luke pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned on a slow, romantic R&B playlist, before setting it on the nightstand and focusing on you again.

This was exactly how you had imagined losing your virginity would go, and to say it was perfect was an understatement. Luke was grinding his own hips into yours with the beat of the music, quite literally ‘making love’ to you as his soft, blond curls fell in his face. He paused for a moment to remove his own dress pants, leaving the both of you in nothing but your underwear.

“Is there something you would like me to try?” Luke asked you, his deep blue eyes looking into your own as he brushed a strand of hair from your face.

“Please, Lu. Just fuck me,” You whined out. “I’ve been waiting for this.”

Luke chuckled, kissing you as he slid your panties off. “Someone’s already losing her innocence, huh?”

You giggled and blushed, pecking his lips. “Only for you.”

Your boyfriend removed his own underwear, and you nearly gasped at the sight. You had seen Luke naked before, of course, and you’d seen him hard through his underwear, but you’d never seen what his dick looked like free from boxers while he was hard. He was huge. A part of you worried that there was no way all eight inches of him was going to fit, but at the same time, you knew Luke would take care of you.

He rolled a condom onto his throbbing cock, topping it with some lube. “Are you ready? I want to make sure you want this too.”

You nodded quickly, your walls already clenching with want for him. “Please, Luke. Do it.”

“Tell me if you need me to stop, okay? My love’s comfort is my number one concern.” Luke kissed your lips deeply again.

The blond wasn’t a virgin by any means, but he knew you were, and that made him feel extra protective over you. Luke left one last kiss on you before he slowly inserted his dick into you, practically moaning at how good you felt. You winced from the pain of suddenly being full, but slowly eased into it, enjoying the sensation.

“God. This feels…good.” You whimpered, already running your nails down your back.

Luke knew you would probably be extra sensitive, so he took his time riding you, finding just the perfect rhythm. You panted as he rode you, not used to the feeling of being so aroused. You had never gotten yourself off before, so all of this was a whole new experience. Slightly unsure of what to do with yourself, you tangled your hands in Luke’s blond curls, panting heavily.

“You doing okay, baby?” the blond asked you, beginning to ride you harder.

You gasped and whined, nodding frantically. “Oh my god, Luke.”

“You look so pretty, baby. Look like you’re about to have your first orgasm, darling.” he smirked.

You blushed under his gaze, still getting used to the feeling of him inside of you. Your lower tummy had been building up with a warm heat ever since Luke had started teasing you, and it was only getting hotter. Luke caressed every inch of your body, humming sweet nothings and leaving slight hickeys as he continued the exact same motion, knowing it would make you cum.

“You’re so wet for me, baby,” he moaned loudly. “You and your tight little cunt.”

Letting out a high-pitched squeal, you ran your nails along Luke’s back. “Please,” You whined. “Think I’m gonna cum.”

The blond railed into you one last time before speaking in a deep, sultry voice. “Go ahead, baby girl. Show me how much you like having me take your virginity.”

You gasped as your cunt suddenly clenched around Luke’s cock, your cum coating his condom-covered dick. “Oh my god,” You yelped. “Oh god, Luke. Feels so good.”

Luke chuckled as he came himself, panting heavily. “God, you're such a good girl.”

You blushed, feeling yourself tighten again at his words. You had heard of a praise kink before, and you were pretty sure that that was your thing, seeing as how your pussy was practically dripping every time Luke complimented you. Your boyfriend slowly pulled out, removing the condom and tying it up, before throwing it into the trash can beside the bed.

“Was that okay?” he asked you with a smile on his face.

You giggled, eyes glazed over from being fucked out. It wasn’t a lot, but for someone who had never had an orgasm before, you were wiped. “It was perfect.”

The blond smiled, grabbing a bottle of lotion off his nightstand and beginning to rub it across your body. Your skin was slightly red and had a few scattered bruises blooming from where his fingers had dug into your hips, and Luke wanted to make sure you felt as loved as possible. He rubbed the cream onto your skin, taking great care to treat your body with love. You had just given him a great honor, after all, and he wanted to respect that.

“You were perfect, you know that?” he hummed. “My perfect girl.”

You blushed as Luke finished, curling up next to him and pulling the sheet over your naked bodies. “That was the way I always imagined losing my virginity to go, you know?”

Luke smiled and kissed you. “I love you, darling.”

“I love you, Luke. Thank you. For everything.”

And as you two fell asleep, he knew you really meant it. You were his girl. Forever.

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just-null-cult · 6 months

Note

i have come here to personally thank you for giving me more than i asked for 🙏🏻 i am utterly grateful like IDJFKDKKFODOD 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️ it made me so happy the last doodle has my heart he is so cute i will eat him

also there is a DROUGHT out there for us noritoshi fans like im living on CRUMBS its insane and omg dont even talk to me abt how it feels like to be a kashimo and ino lover (altho they are getting a bit more love now) my nori is still underrated :/ sooo hence im asking ur hand in friendship and in exchange i promise to share my hcs with you abt nori my sweet lil meow meow we're in this together 💪🏻💪🏻

also since its October, do you think he likes horror movies? i feel like he can withstand gory movies but its the jumpscares that get him and he wont tell u he's scared when u watch one with jumpscares owkfkdkd imagine him hiding his face against ur shoulder or something 😭😭😭 (i used to do that with my dad when we watched horror movies and i used to be like im not scared😤😤 when he asked if i was lmfao thats where this hc stemmed from)

N. NORITOSHI HIDING IN YOUR SHOULDER OR SUPPRESSING HIS REACTIONS TO THE JUMPSCARES....... WAS IT AN INVOLUNTARY REACTION TO USE YOU TO HIDE??????? WAS IT BUILT UP TRUST????? DID HE GROW USED TO HOLDING ONTO YOU WHEN HE GETS SURPRISED BECAUSE HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE HE HAS HIS VALUABLES SAFE????????? WAS IT A MOMENT WHERE HIS MIND JUST INSTINCTIVELY GRABBED THE FIRST THING HE WANTED TO PROTECT/BE PROTECTED BY???????? OH MY FUCK.

he's probably used to gore and gritty stuff like that since he sees it often being a jujutsu sorcerer and all. not to mention his technique is literally blood. maybe he's desensitized to gore films, the most you'll get from him is a disgusted scowl.

BUT DID YOU SEE HOW QUICK HIS EYE OPENED WHEN HANAMI SHOWED UP BEHIND HIM. YOURE SO FUCKING FR ABT JUMPSCARES. Noritoshi is that guy who wouldn't scream or yelp but gasp really loudly and jump out of his skin.

i feel like they get him most in horror because of the music building up anticipation. if its one of those fake outs where the jumpscare comes a bit after, he's fucked UP. It makes him instantly miffed, as he tries to regain his composure. He swears he's not usually like this, it got him by surprise is all..!

Noritoshi is the type that'd only watch a horror movie if the story is rich and complex. He's the type of guy to like open endings that make you think.. if it's a guilty pleasure movie where all the protags make stupid decisions, he gets annoyed right off the bat.

He's groaning and complaining about how imbecile the characters are, but would still watch it with you because you personally invited him. If he's lucky you could fall asleep on his shoulder or [insert movie cliche here] how could he pass that up? But Noritoshi wouldn't be able to focus on you if he gets twice as annoyed because its a bad movie + jumpscares. it still startles him, but the movie is so terrible, he's embarrassed it got him, especially in front of you!!!

if you get involved and you tell him to quiet down, Noritoshi would shift his focus towards you. like that awkward guy who thinks he's being smooth and lowkey about how he cuddles up next to you. He wants to be the tough guy who's shoulder you can hide in, and he is!! just not.. with jumpscares.......

#noritoshi #noritoshi x reader #kamo noritoshi #kamo noritoshi x reader #noritoshi kamo #noritoshi kamo x reader #merry october #sO SORRY THIS WAS SO LATE AGAIN WDYM OCTOBERS ALMOST OVER FUKC SO THESE OCTOBER POSTS WILL LEAK INTO NOVEMBER. AHA.#FAM I WAS SPITBALLIN SO HARD W THE WRITING BUT FUCK IT OH MY GOD I LOVED THAT #ty back for the cat noritoshi idea btw. ill love you forever #the way i fell off my chair and scrambled to read the rest of this ask was insane. friendship.? im so awkward but i'll be here for u homie #i love noritoshi headcanons..#i eat them up like candy...#.... my cult member is moving up the unspoken ranks i made up while making this cult.....#as for ino and kashimo. i dont know much about them.#but i like the bits i do know! i like ino's energy.... he reminds me of an excitable puppy from what ive seen..#i may draw more characters if i grow obsessed. i mean infatuated. or if they make noritoshi look good.#or if you do a damn good job at convincing me #but unfortunately. i was persuaded into a blood pact with my second in command to wait for the anime to finish then watch it with him then.#back to nori though. we are definitely together in this. i fucking understand the drought. pinterest keeps giving me geto #and yes. hes good too. BUT NOT THE MEOW MEOW I'M SCAVANGING FOR #THATS NOT MY STUCK UP BABYGIRL WHO'D SCOWL AT ME FOR PRONOUNCING WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE WRONG....#btw peep the orange for pumpkins or something #happy halloween my awesome cult

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lovelybrooke · 1 year

Note

Alright , but the soft moments with Strawhats were actually really cute. I still read it because It really does shows Strawhats like physical touch.

But what about deep conversation? Not like in the interrogation way but a talk where they actually or kinda reveal the reason being why they treasure Y/n so much?

Like Y/n one day asked "If you don't want me to not only leave but to do anything because it might be dangerous for me - what am I good for?"

it's just my thought but I think they either will not believe that Y/n thinks that they are not worthy of being here OR they will be taken off guard that they feel this way after everything they went through with them.

But I really want to hear your own opinion on this, of course if you want to.

Have a great day as well.

Why am I here? (Yandere Strawhats x Isekai reader)

I really like this idea, but I didn't know If you wanted an entire piece or scenarios for each character. I decided to do a whole fic, so if this isn't what you wanted, I apologize. (Also thank you so much for 300 followers).

You can't help but wonder what your purpose is most days.

The Strawhats, your friends, are very protective of you, even after months of being with them and getting used to their world. You grateful for them, but you wonder what caused their behavior.

When you first appeared in this world, they were nice. They let you say on their ship, eat their food, and even promised to take you to a nice island until you found a way back home. None of their actions were strange, especially compared to how they act now. They were pretty normal, some of them even standoffish. One day though, that all changed, and they became the people you know now.

Suddenly, Zoro went from basically ignoring your whole existence to showing off to you during training. Sanji began to make bigger and fuller meals, always insisting you eat more until you could barely even eat another bite. Usopp was making strange gadgets you could fill you time with, Chopper was worrying over your every move, Nami was spending her hard-earned money on you, and even Robin was suddenly offering to lend you some her more precious books just so you two could talk about them together.

But the strangest change of all was Luffy.

Luffy was always happy go lucky, that's just in his nature. Even before, he was nice to you. He was always quick to protect you, he asked for your opinion on things, and would goof off just to make you laugh.

When Luffy changed, he became strangely more serious. He took your safety more seriously, ordering the others to value your safety among all others. Suddenly, it's like he became your shadow, never leaving your side even for a second, and he wanted to be involved in everything you did.

With their quick shift in behavior, your goal of going home slowly and slowly faded away into nothingness.

Even though, you couldn't help but feel as though you owed them something. They helped you when most likely, no one else wouldn't. They gave you a home and kept you safe from the world around you. So of course, it's not strange to think you owe them something. Whenever you try and help though, it quickly struck down, them claiming that you've done enough already.

But what have you done? You haven't partaken in any feats of bravery, you haven't liberated countries, you haven't saved anyone. You time here amounts to nothing in comparison to them. So, what have you done?

It doesn't help that they're so restrictive on what you do, prohibiting you from living the ship unless you're with one of them. So even if you want to help them in battle, you swept away and locked safety in one of the rooms on the Going Merry before you had the chance.

Your mind was filled with these thoughts constantly. Nothing justified you being here, and as the days went on and you grew closer to the strawhats, you became a shell of yourself.

"(Y/N)? Are you okay?" You could hear someone's voice, but you couldn't tell who it was. You were zoned out, and after shaking your thoughts away, you could see you were leaning on the railing of the front deck. You slowly turned towards the voice, Sanji right next to you, lighting a cigarette right next to you. He stared down next to you, his gaze making you strangely embarrassed.

"Yeah, I guess." You answer. Sanji raises his brow, letting the cigarette dangle from his lips.

"You guess?" He questioned. You gave a small sigh, your eyes locked on the dark blue ocean so you could avoid Sanji's accusing eyes. You refused to answer, the silence awkward and thick, but you would rather deal with the uncomfortable situation than voice your concerns to him. You can smell the slight hint of ash coming from Sanji's direction, and you had to suppress a cough, looking away from him in order to keep it down. At the action, Sanji lets out a gruff, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and dangling it between his pointer and middle finger, the ashes falling into the abyss that was the ocean below him. He looks over at you, the back of your head being the only thing he sees, and he lets out small breath.

"Look, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to." He voices calmly and you can feel his understanding gaze on you. "But it's never going to get better if you don't talk to one of us." He explains, watching as you give a curt nod and stumble away.

Sanji doesn't know how to feel. You've been acting weird for a while, something he assumed to be caused by stress due to your unfamiliar surroundings. But that didn't make sense. You've been here for a while; you should've warmed up to them by now. That's what Robin said would happen. If they played nice and didn't completely suffocate you with their need to protect you, you would be happy. So, what's happening? Sanji took a puff of his cigarette, pondering the situation intensely. Maybe you haven't been eating enough? That can be it, he and Chopper make sure you're as healthy as possible. Maybe you're lonely, they have been spending more time exploring islands lately, and maybe you feel neglected. Sanji wasn't too sure though, and as he took one final puff, he thought that he might pay a visit to his captain.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The stars always brought you comfort, they were one of the few things that wasn't completely different from your world. You had a desire to learn all the constellations that existed in this world, even if that meant spending a little more time here.

Your feet dangled off the edge of the ship, the ocean even darker than before. When you first arrived, the ocean was the thing that scared you the most. As you spent more time in this unfamiliar land however, you began to fear people more than the environment around you, and soon the ocean became one of your closest friends.

You fit of existentialism was broken as you felt strong arms wrap around you. You knew it had to be Luffy, no one was nearly as clingy as him. You could feel him snuggle into your back, the tickling of his hairs almost getting a laugh out of you.

Quickly, Luffy detected himself from your back, sitting next to you on the railing cross legged. You could feel his eyes on you, but for a while he kept quiet as you continued to gaze at the stars.

"Why are you so up this late?" Luffy asked randomly, receiving a small shrug from you. Luffy smile morphed to a frown, pouting like a child at you answer. He rested his head on his hand, his arm propped up on his thigh. Looking at you with at you with questioning eyes, he continued. "What's up with you." His words weren't particularly harsh, but they did hurt slightly. In a second, you face went from the sky above back to the ocean below, entranced by the water once again. You didn't have a smart answer, the worlds tumbling out of you involuntarily.

"I-I don't...it's...it's nothing." You stumble, and Luffy looked unconvinced. This was one of the few times when you were actually intimidated. Your eyes dart around, trying to find the right words to say.

"Why am I here?" It was random, and the words caused Luffy's back to straighten. You continued before he could say anything. "I just mean..." You sigh, trying to ignore his eye on you. "I serve no purpose. I'm not strong, I'm not brave, I'm not fit for this world. But for some reason, I'm here, and I don't know why." If felt strangely nice to voice this to Luffy, even if it meant being embarrassed for life.

"That's not true." Luffy said after a minute.

"Huh?"

"You serve a purpose." Luffy said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, his head tilting to the side like a confused child. You furrowed your brow at him, your mouth agape.

"What do you mean?! I'm the weakest one here!" Your voice was somewhat loud, but you were consumed by pent up frustration and didn't care.

Luffy smiled at your frustration. "You make us happy." Your breath was caught in your throat, and you could feel tears in your eyes as Luffy gave you a gentle hug. You quickly reciprocated.

"That's not much though." Your voice was weak, small.

Luffy simply hugged you tighter. "You don't have to be anything more. Just you is enough." He whispered. Hot tears streamed down you face as you buried your face in Luffy's shoulder. The smile on his face never left as he comforted you.

"You make us happy, so we protect you." He explained as you began to calm down. Slowly, you moved away from Luffy, his arms still wrapped around you and his smile still covering his face.

"We don't expect anything else from you other than, well, you." He giggled at his own words. "It doesn't matter if you aren't strong or brave. What matters is that you're our friend. What matters is that you're happy. What matters is that you're here, with us." He said, getting a small smile at you. Slowly, you went back to looking at the stars, you head resting on Luffy's shoulder as you began to drift off to sleep.

Luffy knew for a while why you were acting weird, but he wanted you to come to him. He wanted you to be open with him. He wanted you to trust him.

If you asked Luffy why he, why any of them, valued you so much, they would respond with simply "They're my friend." That was obvious to anyone. But the harsh looks at passerby's, the threats to people who simply talked to you, that couldn't be explained away as friendly behavior. What it was deep down, was possessiveness. Pirates are possessive by nature, and what they value most in the world, is their treasure.

Luffy looked down at you once more, you soft snores filling the air around you two. He let out a peaceful sigh, feeling calm at your restful state. Luffy knew for a while that you were his treasure and like a good captain, he would do whatever he could to protect you.

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queentheweeb · 11 months

Text

Tsu'tey X Male Omaticaya Reader

A/N: Tsu'tey lives after the war therefore he is Olo'eyktan still but, shares it with Jake.

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Of course, when you gather the courage to gift Tsu'tey your courting gift everything goes to shit. You were okay with Jake Sully mating Neytiri, in fact, you were happy because that meant that Tsu'tey was not betrothed to anyone. You thanked Jake Sully and just as Tsu'tey got over it, he honestly had no choice since once you choose a mate that is who you stay with for the rest of your life, war broke out. You had no time to think or worry about trying to court Tsu'tey. He is the new Olo'eyktan since Euytkan was killed and had to find a way to bring peace. The humans destroyed Kutral, your home tree, and many of your friends that you grew up with were killed. You were angry, but, peace overtook you when Jake came in riding Toruk and became the 6th Toruk Makto. War, fear, anger, fire. It was all too much and happened too fast but, you guys won. All of you had won hard, heavy losses but, with Jake leading with Tsu'tey and Neytiri on his sides we won. Tsu'tey was heavily injured but, will live thankfully. You sent a prayer to Eywa three times a day ever since.

"Y/N." You didn't expect to be interrupted during your reminiscing. It seemed so long ago that the war happened but, it was only a month ago and Tsu'tey had recovered mostly, his duties as Olo'eyktan were a lot but, he split them evenly with Jake Sully who was now his brother. It was endearing to watch Tsu'tey from hating dreamwalkers to becoming a brother to one. Well, Jake was no longer a dreamwalker, he passed through the eye of Eywa and became a Na'vi no longer did he have a human body.

"Hello, Jake Sully. How are you doing? How's Neytiri?" You got comfortable on the branch patting the space next to you and urging him to take a seat. He did as he sighed and started talking about how rough it has been trying to accommodate Na'vi life, how he feels, and everything.

"I really feel like I am not doing this right. I feel as if I am not good enough, I don't want to keep making so many mistakes." You hummed placing a comforting arm around his shoulders. You always were affectionate when it came to anyone so you were glad that he did not push you off in fact, he leaned a little into the comfortable touch.

"Eywa does not make mistakes. She saw you for who you will become. She gave you a chance none of us were willing to give you nor did we have to. I will forever be grateful that we did. As for the mistakes, yes, they were mistakes with big consequences but, mistakes are meant to be forgiven. If we never forgive, we will not be able to live. No one is perfect. You have Neytiri, Mo'at, Tsu'tey, and the clan to help you along. I was born Na'vi and on this moon and I still do not know everything to do and make so many mistakes. This applies to you as well. You should be proud of your victories and not only focus on your failures both past and present. We wouldn't have won and driven the sky people away if it was not for you. Be proud of that. Now go take care of your people Olo'eyktan." You squeezed him in a hug smiling when he hugged you back and looked at you with a grin.

"You're a great man Y/N. Anyone would be lucky to have you." You felt your smile falter a bit looking at him in slight confusion when he smirked at you. "No wonder Tsu'tey talks about you non-stop." You felt your jaw drop as he winked before leaving you with a pat on the shoulder. Tsu'tey talked about you? You had no idea and you silently thanked Jake for giving you this information as well as the courage to try again with the courting.

"Jake Sully you are amazing." You whispered this to yourself as you decided to head to where Tsu'tey was knowing he was busy with moving everyone to the new home that he, Jake, and Neytiri had found for everyone in the clan. As you were in the trees you passed by Jake and deciding to tease him as well you murmured low enough for him to hear "Congratulations on becoming a father." You smirked over your shoulder watching him drop his bow and jaw at you in shock making you laugh out loud. Their secret was safe with you, you weren't supposed to know but, you can tell by the slight swell of her stomach and the way both she and Jake protected her stomach. You continued your way to where Tsu'tey would be in his home for a few minutes.

"Where are you heading off in a hurry?" You stopped hard almost falling off the branch if not for the steadying hand on your waist pulling you back up. You turned to see the person you were rushing off to see. Tsu'tey with the Olo'eyktan attire and a raised eyebrow. His body language was relaxed but, his ears were alert as well as his eyes.

"I actually was coming to see you. Just wanted to be with you for a few I know you're busy." You blinked with your head tilted smiling at him watching as he took in your features.

"I am not too busy for you. Come." You grinned following beside him as he took you to an unknown destination. As you bumped into some twigs and felt your puch hit your hip you became acutely aware of the courting gift you had for him in there. You never left it and took it everywhere you went just in case an opportunity came up. "Was there something, in particular, you wanted to talk about?"

"No, not really." You started talking just to fill up the space as he guided the two of you to a more secluded area and once he stopped and pulled away one last branch you found your breath taken. It was a beautiful hot spring with flowers blooming. It was very peaceful and smelled clean. "How did you find this place?" You walked around the edge of the spring aware that he was staring at you but, became too nervous to catch his eye. You thought you would be more confident when alone with him but, your mind and body betrayed you.

"I came across it when I needed time alone. I wanted to show you since...I thought you would like it." You smiled at the thoughtfulness and sat on a rock, setting aside your bag and dipping your lower legs into the water. You looked back with a smile when you hear Tsu'tey get comfortable close behind you, his legs spreading to be beside your body. Taking a breath and deciding to be bold you leaned over onto his right leg feeling him tense. You were going to move but, you felt him place both hands in your hair and re-doing some of your braids. You purred loving the way his hands moved.

"This was really nice of you Tsu'tey, thank you for allowing me to be a part of your safe space." You weren't expecting him to say anything but, his response had you shaken.

"You are my safe space." It was dead silent as if he didn't mean for it to slip but, he meant it. He didn't move but, the hands in your hair froze for a second. You decided to throw caution to the wind and give him the gift.

"I have something for you." You waited for him to move his hands completely as you reached over for your bag and pulled out the necklace with feathers and some of his favorite animal bones on it as well and turned to him still on your haunches. You took a breath as you looked up at him, his intensity making you falter a bit. "Um...I had this for so long, I had it since way before the war, before Jake even came but, I was too scared...Now I am not." You watched as he tentatively inspected the necklace and you felt like you might faint if he doesn't say anything. "I can take it back-" You were interrupted.

"Put it on me." Your ears perked up when he said that, he still had that intense look as he held the necklace. You sat up and grabbed it noticing he didn't bother turning around. You gulped and leaned completely into his space, feeling his breath on your neck and his arms encircling your waist. Your tail was wagging excitedly and once you put it on you tried to pull back but, the way he tightened his hold didn't allow for much movement. "Thank you, now everyone will know I am taken." He spoke so sure that it had you grinning like an idiot. He pulled his head back to meet your eyes with his own grin. "Oel ngati kameie Y/N." Your tail wagged in excitement as you leaned your forehead against his.

"Oel ngati kameie, ma Tsu'tey." You felt his tail intertwine with yours and you couldn't be any more content.

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