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#this post was US-centric because that is where i live but it may apply to non-US countries

genderqueerdykes · 1 year

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Testosterone HRT Overview, Guide & Information for All People Seeking It

Hello, we're a genderqueer person who's been taking testosterone HRT since 2015. I've also worked in a pharmacy and we've seen a lot of the roadblocks that comes with people trying to start HRT. Nobody really explains how difficult it can be, even when you get your prescription. Because testosterone is a controlled substance in many places, it creates hurdles. There can be a lot going on, and some folks become very disheartened if their T isn't covered by insurance. i get that. We wanted to create a relatively easy to digest and succinct post detailing some common hurdles people have to face on the doctor/prescriber and insurance level, as well as after getting their hormones. *please note that a lot of this information is United States centric as that's where i live, i can't give information for a country i've never lived in, unfortunately.*

The estrogen HRT version of this post is here!

Doctors, Insurance & Getting Your Prescription

If your primary care provider is already familiar and comfortable with prescribing HRT, you can go through them, find an informed consent clinic, or seek an endocrinologist or gender affirming care specialist. Planned Parenthood is a good option for many people. If you don't have insurance, check to see if your area offers medicaid or other low income insurance plans, T can get pricey in some areas, especially for topical. if you can't access insurance please look into services like GoodRx that offer coupons and discounted rates for prescriptions.

Here is a list of informed consent clinics in the US for HRT.

Your provider will ask you some questions about your experience with gender, any dysphoria, why you want to seek medical transition, if you'd like to seek surgeries, assess your mental health, and then screen you for potential health problems or roadblocks. Your liver enzymes will be screened, as will your hormone levels, blood pressure, and some other things. Make sure your doctor knows to note that you are a transgender patient so that your blood tests are not discarded because your gender says "F" instead of "M" on the paperwork.

In some areas it is required to seek treatment with a therapist who specializes in transgender care to make sure this avenue is right for you. Not everywhere requires this step.

Make sure you talk to whoever is prescribing the testosterone to you about insurance, and if they are aware that testosterone is a controlled substance. A controlled substance is a substance that has been restricted by your country's government or governing medical organization and has to be monitored carefully. You need what's called a "prior authorization" from your doctor in order to get your insurance to give you your hormones in most states. Talk to your doctor and pharmacy about prior authorizations for your testosterone and syringes if you need them.

Currently, the only forms of testosterone available for masculinizing HRT are testosterone cypionate (injectable), topical gel, and patches. Topical forms are usually applied daily, injections can be done once or twice a week, or even more or less frequently if a person needs it. There is no pill option available for masculinizing HRT currently.

Do NOT become disheartened if you do not see the effects you want to see right away. It can take several years for the full effects of certain aspects of medical transition to show themselves. Stay patient, talk with your provider, talk to other trans people!

Stay patient, Stay positive!

HRT and Administering Testosterone

When you get a prescription, how things go will depend on if you get your doses administered at the clinic, or if you choose to do them at home. If you are not comfortable self administering, ask if they will at the clinic. many places offer this service.

if you choose to administer at home, if you are using injectable T, note that pharmacies may give you the wrong gauges of needles because they don't often give out needles for HRT. You need two different sizes- a thicker, longer needle for drawing from the vial, as testosterone cypionate is thick. You will generally be given large 18g needle for drawing and a small 22 or 23g needle for injecting. Many people have preferences for different gauges so ymmv. Depending on if you are injecting intramuscularly or subcutaneously the gauge of the needle with vary. Sanitize your injection site and your hands, never using the same needle tips twice for any reason. Never use needles that have touched another surface, and get a sharps container.

Make sure you are injecting in different spots every time you inject. you do not want to inject into the same patches of skin every time, as this can cause tissue damage, tissue death (necrosis), and severe scarring after long periods of time of having to heal but being interrupted over and over again. inject into slightly different spots every time to make sure your skin and muscle tissue can heal.

Here is a guide on safely injecting your own testosterone, including steps on how to prepare your skin for the injection, hold the vial while drawing, change needles, and more.

Another guide for hormone injections.

Make sure to check with your provider to see what type of injection you are meant to do, many do intramuscular injections, but many opt for subcutaneous (just below the skin) injections because they are less painful and require less frequent injections.

If you receive topical testosterone like androgel or other alcohol based testosterone gels, make sure you read the informational packet that comes with it to ensure you are administering it in the correct areas- your exact formulation will need to be applied in a certain area, if you do not have the guide or packet that came with it, please read this page to figure out where you need to apply it. if your topical T isn't working you may be applying it in the wrong place.

When applying topical T, make sure you clean the skin before putting it on, and do not shower or go swimming for 2 - 5 hours after application. make sure you cover the skin with some kind of clothing. You want to make sure it doesn't rub off on other people, as other people can absorb it as well by touching you. Do not ever have someone else apply topical testosterone for you, even if they are also trans, as this can mess with their levels in a bad way.

After starting T you may have to adjust your dose over time to achieve desired effects. if so, you will start on a starter dose and then you can move up to higher doses as your body adjusts. This process is called titration.

No matter HOW tempting it is, NEVER TAKE MORE T THAN YOU ARE PRESCRIBED! It is processed through your liver, which can completely wreck it if you take more than it can handle. Slow and steady wins the race with HRT. If you take too much T at once, your body can also aromatize it, meaning your body will convert it and encourage the production of further estradiol, which will provide unwanted effects. Do not increase your dose without your doctor's advice or knowledge, and do not go any faster than advised.

Effects of Testosterone HRT

Growth and thickening of facial and body hair begins 3 - 6 months after treatment starts and the full effect happens within 3 - 5 years.

Menstruation (periods) stop. This occurs around 2 - 6 months within starting treatment, and is one of the most desired effects.

Voice deepens. The vocal cords thicken, which can cause uncomfortable sensations in the throat for a time, such as a scratchy feeling, dryness, tightness, pressure, and a 'sore' throat that isn't sore in an illness related way. This begins 3 - 6 months after treatment starts, and the full effect happens in 1 - 2 years.

Body fat redistribution begins 3 - 6 months after treatment starts and the full effect happens within 3 - 5 years.

Growth or enlargement of Adam's apple.

Clitoris grows larger, and vaginal lining can thin and become drier. Some experience vaginal atrophy and/or painful levels of dryness, while some maintain a healthy level of vaginal fluids without problem. This begins 3 - 12 months after treatment starts, and the full effect is usually seen within 1 - 2 years, though some experience growth over a long period of time if their dose is low.

Change in body odor and increased sweating occurs within 1 - 3 months of starting treatment.

Muscle mass and strength increase, this will begin within 6 - 12 months and the full effect will be seen within 2 - 5 years.

Possible libido increase, though some report no changes or even the inverse.

Potential but not guaranteed balding or receding hairline, which is treatable, and not seen in everyone.

Potential increase in energy in general, some report an almost antidepressant like effect.

Possible increase in red blood cell production leading to high blood pressure, which is treatable via medications and donating red blood cells when appropriate and safe.

There is not really a guide book to masculinizing HRT and medical transition, most of the information there is is passed along between each of us. We will continue to edit this post as we think of more important information.

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olderthannetfic · 1 year

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À propos OCs: Do you or your other followers have original characters that exist outside of the context of a specific story you are working on? And if so, do you talk to other people about these characters often or at all?

I have approximately 100 OCs that exist within different universes (2 to 20 characters per universe). I occasionally doodle some if them and rarely ever write anything about them down, but I spend a lot of time watching them act out their lives and/or major plot points in my head. When I was younger I did original RPs, wrote a webcomic and some web serials, and would talk to my readers or other authors/artists/RP partners about the characters and their stories, but nowadays I pretty much never mention them. I might post art of them and caption it with “drawing [name] for once lol” and I’ve recently started tagging posts with my OCs names or their canons, but that’s it.

One time, a very nice person on here found one of those tagged posts and asked me about the OC and I was seriously stumped because I didn’t really know what to say.

I guess that’s another question: If you ever ask people about their original characters, what kind of responses are you looking for?

I eventually gave a quick rundown of his background and life and how it related to the post, but despite being asked for this information, and then some, I still felt like I was being annoying and embarrassing myself. I’m not used to people caring about my characters outside of a specific story they are reading (and I’m admittedly a lot more insecure about my creative work now than when I was a kid/teenager).

I say all this as someone who loves seeing other people’s original work and standalone OCs, so I understand that the interest can absolutely be genuine. Personally, I prefer reading public posts and meme fills, looking at OC-centric meme/aesthetic collections, and buying OC “merch” and art books to private conversations about them, so I don’t have much experience in the latter.

In a recent ask, an anon mentioned buying fanart; do you guys buy more fan art (if any) or art of original characters (if any)? If you buy OC art, is it usually just for aesthetics or are you interested in the characters themselves, even if they aren’t part of a story you are a fan of?

While writing this ask, I was mainly thinking about OCs in original works or RPGs, but my questions apply to fan characters too. …Wait, do people still differentiate between OCs and FCs? Or was that never even a common practice in the first place?

Lots of questions from me today, lol.

I tend to make characters in the context of a particular story, though if I like them, sure, I might rework them for other things. RP isn't really my thing. I do daydream, but that tends to be either very private and raw or the step before writing a story or making a specific concrete artwork with those OCs.

OC vs. FC was only in certain parts of fandom. I'm vaguely familiar with it existing, but it isn't something I've usually encountered.

For me, an interest in OCs is exactly equivalent to an interest in asking some published author about a character in their work. If someone's good enough, I may even like their OC better than the canon characters and go seek out fic in other fandoms where they used that OC. Any artwork is a chance to fall in love with new characters... But for me, yeah, it's very much about that work.

I don't find character creation sheets interesting or useful, including when I develop characters for something I'm writing. Even if one isn't literally using one of those sheets, you know what I mean: some people develop characters a lot and see where the characters take them. I see a plot I want and make characters who would naturally fit in it. I create only the level of backstory I need for that work. Maybe one or two stray details don't make it in, but I don't know what my characters eat unless it's relevant. I don't know what their first pet was called. Yadda yadda. I find that knowing all that makes the characters feel flatter in the final work than if I knew only "The one in blue who likes martinis" or some other couple of characteristics they need to stick in the mind in the scene where they appear.

I don't think in that RP way where the character is a separate entity from the artwork containing them.

I buy art that I find pretty and want on my wall. Now and then, it's from something specific and I do like showing off that I'm into that thing. The aesthetic might imply things about my tastes or values. It might be more than just "this object is abstractly nice looking in a way with no cultural connotations". But art is definitely for decoration for me. If I don't have wall space or it doesn't go with my decor, I don't get it.

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hskinhome · 5 months

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hi, w9uld i 6e a6le t9 ask f9r a tar9t (9r dice, whichever is prefera6le) f9r my kankri vantas timeline? n9thing specific, exactly, may6e just generally h9w things went and such thank y9u -kankri vantas

Meu & I (Eridan) tag-teamed this one; Meu's focus is more on what was centric to you, so I went into the dice with the mindset of what the overall timeline was like. For that reason, and because this is a super long post, everything's going to be under the cut past this point. I hope this helps; remember, none of this is definitive. You know yourself best.

/Mods Eridan & Meu

Eridan's Dice

So, with Meu's tarot having been done first to add some flavor, I think the dice are in high agreement that you were the type of person to stretch yourself so thin, you may as well have been near transparent. You always tried to keep tabs on everyone and everything, ensuring everything went smoothly to the best of your capabilities, even to the detriment of yourself. As long as the group as a whole was on track, you were fine. As I put it to Meu, you didn't know the meaning of the words "sit down" or "take a break". I, personally, have the inkling that this ended up being to your detriment and the cause of something rough, if not the end of all things, but that's pure speculation based on a feeling. A vibe, as it were. Again, you know yourself best. Some, all, or none of this may apply. Take it with a grain of salt.

Learning new things.

Energetic, driven, passionate.

Caretaker, responsibilities.

Psychic abilities, intuition.

Organization, serving others.

Health, daily routine.

Meu's Tarot

I used this spread by @kin-rot, linked to me by Mod Nepeta's google doc of spreads! It's less about how the timeline went as a whole and more about how your personal growth went, but I hope it helps nevertheless!

I didn't pull the last card, since you didn't ask about how it effects this life, but if you want that card as well then please feel free to come back!

Your past life as a whole - The 2 of Pentacles and the 3 of Pentacles both fell out of the deck for this one! My deck emphasizes that the Pentacle suit as a whole is meant to encourage patience, caution, and self-preservation. The 2 specifically reminds the reciever to be careful trying to balance their work/home lives and their platonic + romantic relationships, where the 3 encourages the reciever to focus more on their professional life than they previously were. In the context of your past life as a whole, I get the feeling that you were constantly trying to balance your different masks, and unfortunately that balance came at the expense of your passion projects.

Theme of major challenges - I got the 4 of Swords for this question. This card is basically telling you to relax from all your stress, so there's not much interpretation to be done here, in my opinion. You were stressed constantly, and it affected every part of your life.

How you handled them, and their effects on you - The Page of Cups and the 6 of Pentacles both came out for this pull. The Page, like all court cards, represents a real person in your life. The Page of Cups specifically represents someone filled with childlike wonder about the world, someone who radiated kindness and warmth. The 6 of Pentacles, coming next, tells me that this person was the cornerstone for you dealing with your stresses. They encouraged you to relax, to take life a little easier, and they likely helped you balance your masks by giving you a place to metaphorically take them off.

Lessons learned during this life - The reversed Queen of Pentacles holds this answer. Though the Queen of Pentacles is another card that usually represents a person, the reverse tells me that the lesson most important to you was learning to practice self-care, to be confident in yourself, and to embrace your own comfort.

#Homestuck #Homestuck Kin #Kankri Vantas Kin #Consulting the Dice #Tarot Reading #Mod Eridan #Mod Meu

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protectbrowngirls · 3 years

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Protect brown girls who didn’t know the following scholarships existed

This isn’t my normal content, but I was thinking recently about how many academic opportunities I missed out on simply because my parents didn’t know the Western academic institution like my white peers did. And by the time I heard about most of these scholarships and programs, I was too old to apply, or they didn’t make sense for my career path anymore.

I have a lot of young followers. I imagine many of you find yourselves in a similar position, where your non-South Asian peers are applying for scholarships that no one ever told you about. I also imagine many of you are looking for ways to seek education on your own terms, and figuring out the finances poses a hurdle. So I wanted to do a rundown of some prestigious and/or South Asian-centric scholarship programs that you may find yourself eligible for and interested in, at a time when you’re young enough to take advantage of these opportunities--or, at the least, young enough to keep them in mind as you go through school.

This is not a list of every scholarship out there. The scholarships listed here are specifically prestigious, nationally or globally recognized scholarship programs that don’t require independent nomination or enrollment in a specific field of study. As a result, these are also highly selective programs, with some granting fewer than 50 awards each year. But that shouldn’t discourage you from applying! God knows your white peers are applying without caring if they meet the requirements.

National Merit Scholarship

Eligibility requirements: Junior in high school; must take PSAT/NMSQT test in 11th grade; must achieve one of the highest scores in the state the test was taken

Country of origin: US students, or US citizens studying abroad

What the program covers: Minimum $2,500 for undergraduate studies; maximum full tuition for undergraduate studies at certain schools

Deadline to apply: Take PSAT/NMSQT by January of junior year

Link

Coca-Cola Scholars Program

Eligibility requirements: High school senior; minimum 3.0 unweighted GPA; must demonstrate leadership capacity and commitment to making an impact at their school/community

Country of origin: US citizens or nationals

What the program covers: $20,000 for undergraduate studies

Deadline to apply: October 31

Link

The Gates Scholarship

Eligibility requirements: High school senior; person of color; Pell-eligible; minimum 3.0 unweighted GPA

Country of origin: US

What the program covers: Full cost of attendance not covered by other sources of financial aid for undergraduate studies; funding may continue for postgraduate studies in certain fields

Deadline to apply: September (phase 1); January (phase 2)

Link

NIH Undergraduate Scholarship Program

Eligibility requirements: Must demonstrate exceptional financial need; minimum 3.3 unweighted GPA; must be enrolled or accepted for enrollment at a 4-year undergraduate institution; must commit to a paid Summer Laboratory Experience and 1 year of full-time employment at NIH post-graduation per year of funding received

Country of origin: US

What the program covers: Up to $20,000 per year for undergraduate studies

Deadline to apply: Mid-March

Link

(Note: Some schools may require you to go through an internal application process before endorsing your application for one of the following scholarships. Check in with your university to see if there’s anything you need to do before applying to one of these programs.)

Rhodes Scholarship

Eligibility requirements: Aged 18-24 years; must demonstrate outstanding intellect, character, leadership, and commitment to service

Country of origin: Global

What the program covers: Generally 2 years’ tuition for any postgraduate course offered at the University of Oxford, plus an annual stipend for living expenses

Deadline to apply: Early October

Link

Fulbright Scholarship

Eligibility requirements: A bachelor’s degree; interest in facilitating cultural exchange

Country of origin: US (with some options for non-US applicants)

What the program covers: All expenses for 1 year to study, teach English, or pursue a research/professional project in a foreign country

Deadline: Mid-September

Link

Gates Cambridge Fellowship

Eligibility requirements: Must demonstrate outstanding intellectual ability and leadership potential

Country of origin: Global (minus UK)

What the program covers: Full cost of tuition, plus living stipend, plus discretionary funds, for most full-time graduate programs at the University of Cambridge

Deadline to apply: Mid-October (for US citizens in the US); December or January (for all else)

Link

Marshall Scholarship

Eligibility requirements: Senior in college or recent college graduate; minimum 3.70 unweighted GPA; endorsement from President, Provost, or Academic Dean of undergraduate institution

Country of origin: Global (minus UK); undergrad degree must be obtained in US

What the program covers: Full cost of tuition for up to 2 years of postgraduate study at any university in the UK, plus monthly living stipend and allowances

Deadline to apply: Late September

Link

Chevening Scholarships

Eligibility requirements: An unconditional offer from an eligible master’s course at any UK university; at least 2 years of work experience

Country of origin: Global (minus UK)

What the program covers: Full funding (tuition, room, and board) for any 1-year master’s program in the UK

Deadline to apply: Early November

Link

Knight-Henessy Scholarship

Eligibility requirements: First bachelor’s degree must have been obtained no earlier than 7 years prior to the year of enrollment

Country of origin: Global

What the program covers: Full tuition, plus a living stipend, for up to 3 years of graduate study at Stanford University

Deadline to apply: Early October

Link

Upakar Scholarship

Eligibility requirements: At least one parent born in India; family adjusted gross income <$90,000; minimum 3.6 unweighted high school GPA

Country of origin: US

What the program covers: Up to $2,000 per year for undergraduate studies

Deadline to apply: Late April

Link

APIA Scholarship Program

Eligibility requirements: Minimum 2.7 unweighted high school GPA; preference given to students coming from low socioeconomic backgrounds

Country of origin: US

What the program covers: Minimum one-time $2,500 award for undergraduate studies; maximum $20,000 for undergraduate studies

Deadline to apply: Late January

Link

SEED Scholarship

Eligibility requirements: At least one parent of Indian ancestry; minimum 3.0 unweighted high school GPA

Country of origin: US

What the program covers: $10,000 for undergraduate studies (tuition only)

Deadline to apply: March 1

Link

#education #scholarships #college #college education #protect brown girls

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beepboop358 · 3 years

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A Prom in S4 Theory & Music Coding Predictions

Some leaked set pics indicate that there MAY BE a junior/senior prom at Hawkins High, which they are calling the "Lover's Ball". It's unclear if this prom will be included on screen, or if it will just be mentioned as an event coming up at Hawkins High because this flyer could just extra set decor. Regardless if the prom happens on screen or not, there will probably be some tension about 'who's asking who' to the prom that we will see in s4. Given that this picture was just leaked a few weeks ago, it probably falls closer to the end of the season sequentially.

Having a big school dance in s4 is suspiciously close to how they had the Snowball scene in s2. This would certainly follow the even/odd season patterns, (and actually add to the list of the patterns), which kind of makes me think we will see this prom on screen, or at the very least it will be mentioned in the course of the season.

The Duffer Brothers love Steven King and reference his work and especially 'IT' a lot in the show, but they haven't done anything with Carrie yet so maybe we will get a Carrie moment this season at the prom...

Carrie was on the video store fridays movie inspiration board for ST4.

At the "Lover's Ball", there will be definitely be some music coding relating to Byler. Since music coding is kind of a key thing in the show, I've been rifling through 80's songs to try and find some that may fit with s4's themes/character storylines (and I may do a seperate post about that later), but for this post I'm just gonna focus on what they might use at the prom for relating to Byler.

Since the season is most likely going to take place in 1986, I only selected songs that had a compatible release year so it would be historically accurate. (these songs would also be great for a byler playlist!)

Some strong contenders for the songs that might play at the prom to reference Mike and Will's relationship could be:

"True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper (1986)

This song is honestly too good of an option for them not to use. I'm reallllyyy crossing my fingers for this one.

It's hard to take courage In a world full of people You can lose sight of it all And the darkness inside you Can make you feel so small

"And I see your true colors Shining through I see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid (don't be afraid) To let them show your true colors True colors are beautiful (you're beautiful, oh) Like a rainbow Oh oh oh oh oh like a rainbow"

If this world makes you crazy And you've taken all you can bear You call me up Because you know I'll be there

"Heaven" by Bryan Adams (1984)

This first verse is literally just the story of Byler... 😭 The rest of the song applies but that verse verse is just sooooo accurate. (I'm crossing my fingers for this one too)

"Oh thinkin' about all our younger years There was only you and me We were young and wild and free Now nothing can take you away from me We've been down that road before But that's over now You keep me comin' back for more

Baby you're all that I want When you're lyin' here in my arms I'm findin' it hard to believe We're in heaven And love is all that I need And I found it there in your heart Isn't too hard to see We're in heaven

Oh once in your life you find someone Who will turn your world around Bring you up when you're feelin' down Yeah nothin' can change what you mean to me Oh there's lots that I could say But just hold me now 'Cause our love will light the way"

"Take My Breath Away" by Berlin (1986)

This song is on Will's Spotify playlist, and I thought it could also be used at the prom since it's a romantic song. I see it as an 'entrance to the prom' moment song, almost like a 'first look' - like the Mike and El moment at the snowball when she first walks in, but with Mike and Will this time. I think the lyrics clearly hint to this kind of 'first look' moment as well.

"Watchin' every motion in my foolish lover's game On this endless ocean, finally lovers know no shame Turning and returning to some secret place inside Watchin' in slow motion as you turn around and say...take my breath away"

Watchin' every motion in this foolish lover's game Haunted by the notion, somewhere there's a love in flames Turning and returning to some secret place inside Watchin' in slow motion as you turn my way and say...take my breath away"

"In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins (1981)

This song was originally meant to be included in the snowball scene from s2, but it ultimately was not used and "Every Breath You Take" was used for this scene instead. Since it was intended to be a part of the s2 dance, that's why I think it may be used at the prom this season. (you can read the scripts on 8flix)

——— I forgot to include this explanation originally BUT, I think this song might be used to show some anger/resentment between the two, and to show a decent amount of tension, depending on their development this season. Like maybe Mike is kind of leading Will on in private by continuing to initiate intimate scenes between them, but in public Mike is still trying to put on his “straight boy act” and kind of being a jackass about it, and this song could be used to show the tension between them that has caused.

"And I've been waiting for this moment, for all my life, (Oh lord)

Well, I was there and I saw what you did I saw it with my own two eyes So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been It's all been a pack of lies.

Well I remember, I remember don't worry How could I ever forget It's the first time, the last time we ever met But I know the reason why you keep this silence up

No you don't fool me The hurt doesn't show, but the pain still grows It's no stranger to you and me"

"In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel (1986)

Some of the lyrics in this song just SCREAMS byler, just look at the 1st, 2nd and 4th paragraphs. I would be suprised if they didn't use this song in either s4/s5.

Love, I get so lost sometimes Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart When I want to run away I drive off in my car But whichever way I go I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return The grand facade, so soon will burn Without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside

In your eyes The light, the heat (in your eyes) I am complete (in your eyes) I see the doorway (in your eyes) To a thousand churches (in your eyes) The resolution (in your eyes) Of all the fruitless searches (in your eyes)

Love, I don't like to see so much pain So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away I get so tired working so hard for our survival I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

"Heroes" by David Bowie (1975)

David Bowie was bisexual. A cover of his song “Heroes” is used in the show twice already, sung by Peter Gabriel. The song plays when they pull Will's fake body out of the water in season one and Mike cries in his Mom's arms, with some very queer-coded lyrics in the background, and after Hopper's letter in s3 (which is very Byler-centric)

"I will be king. And you, you will be queen 'Cause we're lovers, and that is a fact. Yes, we're lovers, and that is that. Though nothing will keep us together. We could steal time just for one day We can be heroes forever and ever. What d'you say? I, I wish I could swim, like dolphins, like dolphins could swim I, I can remember (I remember) Standing by the wall (By the wall) And the guns shot above our heads (Over our heads) And we kissed as though nothing could fall (Nothing could fall) And the shame was on the other side. Oh, we can beat them forever and ever. Then we could be heroes just for one day We're nothing, and nothing will help us Maybe we're lying, then you better not stay But we could be safer just for one day"

I just thought the above songs might be some highly likely possibilities given that they fit the year of the s4 and also make references to not only love, but the idea of hiding, pain, shame, longing, etc., and can make some (partially stretching here) references to other things in the show such as:

RAINBOWS and TRUE COLORS, SHINING THROUGH (rainbows imagery is always associated with Mike & Will in the show and a is symbol of lgbtq+ pride, True Colors shining through = who you really are on the inside finally coming out)

IF THIS WORLD MAKES YOU CRAZY ("crazy together", "only love makes you that crazy" and references the "world" motif in the show)

YOUNGER YEARS, ONLY YOU AND ME, YOUNG, WILD AND FREE (references "not wanting things to change" and wanting "to make things go how they were" part in Hopper's letter, and the "But we're not kids anymore" comment during the Byler fight)

ENDLESS OCEAN and SWIM, LIKE DOLPHINS (references water's significance in the show)

FLAMES (Will in front of the burning car in s4 teaser?)

LIES and LYING (Mike lying to El about how he feels)

INSTINCTS RETURNING, FACADES BURNING, WITHOUT MY PRIDE, I REACH OUT FROM THE INSIDE (Mike's feelings for Will are his instincts, the facade is the act he put on in s3 to seem straight, burning could reference Will & fire, and I think the last 2 lines of that 2nd verse reference vulnerability- perhaps in an apology/confession)

I GET SO LOST (confusion about his sexuality, feeling lost without the other) and SO MUCH WASTED TIME (known each other since kindergarten but were unaware the other felt the same way/was dealing with same things, they could have been even closer)

KINGS and QUEENS (the d&d game mike wrote where he has king Tristan give him a medal in s1)

STEALING TIME (references "turning back the clock, to make things go how they were" part in Hopper's letter and the time theme in s4 and time is central to the s4 plot)

AND WE KISS - AND THE SHAME (references the shame they both feel about being gay since it was so stigmatized in the 80's)

Byler @ Prom Possibilities:

If Mike and Will did dance together at the prom, they will probably get bullied because they live in a small conservative town. They will probably either run out, upset, or Eleven will step in to protect them which could lead to the Carrie moment.

Or Mike and Will will not dance together in the actual dance room, but instead sneak off to somewhere else in the school and have a private Byler dance moment where they can't be teased and it's just them together.

OR Mike and Will are still acting weird at this point in the season because neither of them is communicating what needs to be said out of fear, or one of them has confessed or done something to indicate how they feel, but the other hasn’t so everything is weird between them. There would be lots of tension from this and we would get lots of longing looks and adoring moments between the two of them from the sidelines. (I think this one is the most likely)

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annetteblog · 3 years

Text

Public figures, coming out and the responsibility

Disclaimer: Although this post mentions Jikook, it is mostly my opinion about the general issue. So you can apply this to whoever you want.

Previously on annetteblog: I made some posts regarding coming out, homophobia and how I don’t agree that Jikook (or basically any other celebrities/well-known figures which you suppose are queer) are obliged/have to/owe us to come out (in case if they are actually queer). Moreover, I said that asking or even making anyone from institutionally homophobic country to come out, hoping that it would start some social changes, is cruel, because you think only about some distant bright future and not the problems, which this particular person would face now. Problems, which can possibly ruin someone’s health, safety or life.

/the main one (Jikook centric) - https://bit.ly/3hLOpSS + the ask I consider important here (not really Jikook centric) - https://bit.ly/359IBgB /

Now: I was trying very hard to remember where I could possibly hear some similar thoughts and tadaaa I remembered :D

Dan Howell

Yep.

Those, who know him well, may skip this paragraph. Dan has been an youtuber since 2009 and around that year was a big fan of another youtuber - Phil Lester. Shortly, without going into details, after some fanboying time they actually met in person, started seeing each other, appeared on each other’s YT channels, and eventually moved in together (that’s not my creepy assumption, that was a known fact even back then, okay?). Obviously, the speculations started to grew. Were they gay? Were they in love? Were they just besties? Were they dating? This discussion had been lasting year after year on various platforms and sometimes with no decency involved. The guys remained mostly silent (there were some jokes now and then, but nothing too serious). On June 2019 both of them came out, confirmed that they were not just friends, but asked to stay away from their private life.

If you have time, I would suggest you to watch all of the Dan’s video; yes, it’s long, but he said a lot of interesting stuff to think about imo. But here I wanted to focus on two specific parts. I will write their timing and highly recommend you to watch them, they are really short. (eng subs and subs’ translation to a lot of languages are available on YT)

youtube

First of all, note that he is a public figure. Even though he is an introvert, he is still more used to put his life/actions on display (I mean more in comparison with an ordinary person, who doesn’t have a YT channel/other SM platform with a huge audience). Plus he lives in the UK, which is not the worst country on the planet, as far as I can tell.

However, even taking these into account, he still mentions how it was uncomfortable for him to get all of these speculations about his relationship with Phil. [timing - 25:12 - 27:46] Uncomfortable to the point of triggering old mental issues (he posted a vid about depression about a year prior this one, look it up if you want). He had hard time growing up because of his homophobic environment; and he was bullied for “being gay” before he actually knew what this word meant. Years later when he and his relationship with Phil became a subject of a much broader discussion and gossip, it was not just weird or uncomfortable but actually “triggered some PTSD” (according to him).

So even if you mean no harm and generally are the nicest supporting person, going around and calling people gay may not be the best life strategy. Especially if these people didn’t give you permission to do so. Even if they are some kind of celebrities. Sure, maybe you are right in your suspicions, but this doesn’t make the situation better or easier for them. You never fully know a person’s life situation and what they could be going through. You don’t know their past and problems they faced before. You don’t know their personal feelings, thoughts and fears. And you can just accidentally make everything worse.

The second thing.

[timing 23:57 - 24:32 and 28:23 - 28:54]

“If a kid dreams of being a footballer and age 18 signed to a club and all their dreams come true, but they are scared to come out because of the insane homophobia in that community, they shouldn’t turn it down. Yes, it’s so important to be truthful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world, but it’s our society fault that these people are scared to say who they are.”

Different people perceive different things as the most important part of their lives. For someone it’s family and kids, for someone it’s being able to create, for someone it’s work and career, etc. And not everyone is willing to just give up their dream over something.

And that’s okay.

So I don’t expect people to gladly risk their successful career over coming out. Particularly if they perceive their work as their true passion in life. For some people it just doesn’t worth it, for some – career and being able to fulfill their dream is more important. Others have to make compromises in order to maintain balance between different parts of their life and personality, or they just don’t want to draw attention to the personal life altogether. And some people may be too afraid to lose everything. Especially, if the environment they live in is not friendly. They may just want to live peacefully and quietly with no additional danger hanging over their head.

In general, I think that no one owes us anything. One may say that a celebrity with a presumably higher social status and more influence has a responsibility to do something in their power to make the world a better place. Although I agree to some extent (e.g. charity), I don’t expect someone to put their life on risk. That’s too much to ask for and just not fair. Everybody deserves a happy safe life, and if this means that someone decides to stay silent for their own good, you should respect it. And if they decide to speak up - that must be their choice. Outing is never an option.

Bottom line:

If someone is presumably in the closet, stop trying to pour gasoline on it. You may accidentally burn down not only the wood, but the person in it too.

#lgbt #lgbtq #coming out #wow that was some metaphorical shit #jikook #kookmin #jeon jungkook #park jimin #jungkook #jimin #min yoongi #yoongi #suga #bts #bts ships #lgbtq relationships #lgbtq representation #lgbt relationship #long post

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floraone · 4 years

Photo

So, September is coming up, and with it smutember, and we’re doing it again! (At least I hope you’re with me, lol).

Just like last year, it runs alongside to the official daily word prompts on the official smutember blog: Smutember is an event that runs all throughout September for all fandoms. The following is meant as an addition, not a replacement. If you want to do daily prompts, please use the official words prompts (linked above). However, since daily prompts can be a bit intimidating (especially for a fandom corner that’s 25+ years old like ours and people in it have busy lives), as the resident smut advocate in our fandom, I again customized an alternative that can still incorporate the official themes.

Just like last year, down below you have a list of TROPE AND THEME PROMPTS. They’re a remix of sorts of last year’s tropes, with some you’ve seen before and some new ones, meant to spark a variety of ideas. The idea is that with these you can post once (or twice) per week instead of daily.

Be it for fanart or fanfic or any other sort of fanwork, tropes can be combined, (and they can be combined with the daily themes too), whatever floats your boat. Also, specifically: This event isn’t Usamamo-centric only. I will reblog any Sailor Moon content of any pairing as long as it follows the rules! (See below)

The aim of this event is to create sex-positive content together that celebrates a healthy depiction of consentual sexuality. Erotic fanfiction is a beautiful art, especially in a fandom of ours so largely cultivated by women and for women, as well as a strong inclusive focus on queer and gender-queer content and their creators!

What’s new: I’m taking a page out of the mini-bang’s impressive book, and when smutember is over, I will compile all entries that followed the rules into an online-only e-zine! This also means that art that may be too explicit for tumblr can still be included in the e-zine!

Here are the weekly trope challenges:

Reinvent a trope!

WEEK 1 (September 1st - 7th): Pick 1 or 2

🍋 Reunion Sex 🍋 Sex Fails 🍋 Second Chance Sex 🍋 You Talk In Your Sleep 🍋 Unresolved Sexual Tension 🍋 New Old Flame 🍋 Go Seduce My Archnemesis 🍋 Bedsharing 🍋 Sex with the Ex/Break-Up Sex 🍋 In Public

WEEK 2 (September 8th - 14th): Pick 1 or 2

🍋 Make-Up Sex 🍋 Battle Couple 🍋 Mission Sex 🍋 Work-Out Sex 🍋 Accidental Pervert 🍋 Bathing/Shower 🍋 Pool/Onsen 🍋 Sexual Fantasies 🍋 Blind Date 🍋 Aroused By Your____ (pick a feature)

WEEK 3 (September 15th - 21st): Pick 1 or 2

🍋 Established Relationship 🍋 “Thank God We’re Alive” 🍋 Caught In The Act 🍋 First Times 🍋 Introduction By Hook-Up 🍋 Pining 🍋 Locked In Together In A Small Space/ Trapped Together 🍋 Huddling For Warmth 🍋 Socially Distanced Sex 🍋 Stupid Sexy Friend 🍋 Caught In The Rain 🍋 Living Food Platter/Eating Off You 🍋 Shunga

WEEK 4 (September 22nd - 30th): Pick 1 or 2

🍋 Mutual Masturbation 🍋 Awkward/Clumsy Sex 🍋 Oh Crap There’s Fanfic Of Us 🍋 Talking In Bed 🍋 Fidelity Test 🍋 Fake-NOT-Dating 🍋 Mindlink 🍋 Sex Games 🍋 Tinder 🍋 Blackout/Quarantine/Disaster Warning/Weathering The Storm

RULES

1. Rating: These fics don’t necessarily need to be M or, in the case of Ao3, E- rated. Obviously, they are very, very welcome to be explicit for this event, but you can also go T-rated and stay in lime or ‘blacked out’-territory if you’re uncomfortable with writing explicit scenes! Both is perfectly and absolutely welcome! This of course also goes for fanart - your fanart may depict sexy scenes, but does NOT have to be explicit! (It can, though! Be aware that for tumblr’s guidelines, when sharing your art first, you may have to clip your images as a sort of preview. The original can then be sent to me privately to include into the e-zine!) 2. Minimum Age of Characters: Since this is a community event, if you do go explicit M rated material: age them up where necessary! So that everyone can be comfortable writing and reading these, let them be 18 at the minimum if they’re going to openly and explicitly wohoo. (16-17 is the global average age of consent worldwide, and also the average age for first sex among girls in many western countries. However, since most fanfic readers are located in the US, where the age of consent is 18, we’re going with 18 so that everyone can be comfortable reading!) If you go for canon fics at a time they are below this age, where you do not want to age up (say you’re going for an episode fix!) please stay in T territory for this event. 3. Off limits: Depictions of sexual acts that contain harmful, violent and non-consenting behaviour with non-consenting individuals (or those that aren’t able to consent, for instance because of their age, or state of mind among else!). If it doesn’t fly by law or the ICD in real life, please refrain from depicting it in the context of this event. This means that dubcon and noncon will not be reblogged for the event, so that people can be safely consuming the content without being triggered. All content will be screened in this regard, and I may contact you regarding trigger warnings. This is not at all to censor content, or that this content is in any form less valid (as long as it is properly tagged and not including characters that aren’t of age), but simply to ensure a safe environment for everyone reading. 4. Tag your triggers. Except the aforementioned limitation of harmful content, nothing is off limits. Explore your kinks! But if you write something that might be offensive to your readers, please tag it. This is ALSO a good way for your readers to find exactly what they ARE looking for! On Ao3 this can be done directly on the fic tags, for FF fics and fic links you can do it here on Tumblr via the fic post tags or in ANs. This is in consideration of your readers. 5. You can obviously post art for this event too. All previous rules apply here, as well. Unfortunately, Tumblr is now against tasteful nudity. That doesn’t mean you can’t link to a deviant art or similar account though, should you want to. And, since this year will include an e-zine at the end of it, all art will still be included fully in it. Here too, please tag your triggers. If you still want to post art on Tumblr, choose a T rated image - clip them where needed, or keep them (semi-)clothed, show us a heated kiss, etc! (Obviously we would love ALL the art and the nude body is a beautiful, wonderful thing, but obviously Tumblr doesn’t agree with us anymore!) 6. Have fun! Celebrate sexuality in an open, sex-positive way with us, try to be unapologetic about your likes while you write this, and appreciate the beauty that comes in the form of content with a largely female-gazing creator-base and audience! Smut in fanfiction has been beautifully put as the subjectification of sexuality (as opposed to objectification). So let’s celebrate this art form together! 7. Reviews: No one is forced to review. It can be uncomfortable to review a fic that contains sexual acts for any number of always valid reasons. Keep in mind, however, that much like a Burlesque dancer on stage, putting out sexual content can also be very intimidating to an author, and nothing is more discouraging than silence when baring yourself to an audience like this. That being said: Both Ao3 and FF have the option to review in anon mode. That means you have the option to remain anonymous while cheering the author on all the same. Just like the Burlesque dancer, your resident smut authors prefer to go on stage to loud cheering - it makes it all less awkward for them, and feels a little more like a big celebration!

If you’re unsure what sex positivity entails and want to read up, I wrote a post about it here.

This event is not supposed to cause harm. This means that I will screen all content before I reblog it here, and include it in the e-zine. So that everyone of age can feel safe reading the fanworks in the event, dubcon and noncon will not be reblogged and included in the e-zine, and accurate tagging and content warning will be watched. This does NOT MEAN that you cannot post this material: your own desire to write it and someone else’s desire to explicitly read this material are valid. I do not entitle myself to censor. It just means it will not be reblogged and shared through the event so that everyone may feel safe to read to the best of my ability. (But, of course, remember that I, too, might be biased, and not discover subtle forms of it, either. We’re all, in the end, a product of our upbringing and society, and I cannot be completely unbiased.)

During the event, I will be posting all Sailor Moon Smutember contributions in this format on my blog if you @ me to the post.

The official hashtag for the event is #smutember2020 hosted by the official smutember blog. Using it helps people find the content who search for it as well as those who wish to block it!

#smutember2020 #smutember sailor moon fandom #smutember usamamo fandom corner #smutember2020 rules #Spread the word!

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dewitty1 · 3 years

Link

Super Rich Kids

trishjames @thusspoketrish

Chapters: 11/11 Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter Characters: Pansy Parkinson, Blaise Zabini, Millicent Bulstrode, Theodore Nott, Tracey Davis, Marcus Flint, Original Characters Additional Tags: Character Study, Slow Burn, Thriller, Mystery, Murder, cover ups, Burglary, dog-napping, Muggle high fashion, Haute couture, Post-Second War, Muggle Culture, dark humour, Angst, seriously so much angst, Drama, Melodrama, Ended Romantic Relationships, Spoiled Kids Trying to Be Adults, Prejudice, Privilege, Vigilantism, Anti-Hero, Depression, Nihilism, Existentialism, Jealousy, Hurt/Comfort, Discussion of Anarchy in the Loosest Sense, Family, Gaslighting, Betrayal, Conspiracy, Politics, Government, Secrets, Very Brief Instance of Suicidal Ideation, Pureblood Elitism, Pureblood Culture, Immorality, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Fist Fights, Social Season, Garden parties, Charity Organisations, Fundraisers, Galas, Summer, Frenemies, Problematic Concepts, problematic behaviour, debutantes, Abusive Drug Use, Recreational Drug Use, Despicable Behaviour, Manipulative Behaviour, creepy behaviour, Threesomes, Heterosexual Sex, Candaulism, Bisexual Draco Malfoy, Draco Malfoy-centric, Draco/Others - Freeform, Wizengamot, Wedding Engagements, Getting Together, Falling In Love, Possible Infidelity Due to Unclear Relationship Status, Auror Harry Potter, Junior Chief Prosecutor Draco Malfoy, LCDrarry, LCDrarry 2020, Angst with a happy ending!

Summary:

Draco Malfoy has become disillusioned by the glitz and glamour of the scandalous lives of the Post-Second Wizarding War Pureblood Elite. Enter: one existential crisis, one group of thieving cynical friends, and several terrible, terrible decisions.

Excerpt:

Draco finds that he really enjoys Potter’s company. He doesn’t mind when the conversation strays to the Weasleys or Potter’s adventures with his godson, or the repairs he plans to do on Grimmauld Place, that old monster of a townhouse Draco recalls from the Black side of the family. He follows along closely, and he likes it. He likes Potter. He’s surprised that under Potter’s saviour-complex there’s a man with a decent sense of humour. And once they get started on some of the authority figures within the Ministry, Draco discovers there’s a whole wealth of feistiness lurking under that Golden Boy exterior. His distaste for the Ministry honestly rivals Draco’s own.

“You really have a problem with authority,” Draco comments, now finishing off his third pint.

“I just don’t believe in putting my entire faith and trust into any set system, especially one as oppressive as the Ministry. But you didn’t hear me say that.”

“You’re practically an anarchist. How have you not burned the Ministry down?”

“Oh,” Potter starts, his tone dangerous. “There have been moments.”

Draco perks up and leans forward. He remembers what Tracey said about Potter not being what everyone in the Ministry believed him to be. Had she encountered his rebellious streak while working as his witness or during the Corps?

“Really? Do tell,” he says excitedly.

Potter smirks. “I’ll save it for the next time we do this.”

“You think there’ll be a next time, eh?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Well, aren’t you a smug bastard?”

“Tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re wrong,” Draco says with a dramatic, chastising shake of his head.

Potter laughs.

“Where do you live?” Potter asks suddenly.

“Why do you want to know?”

“So I can either walk you home or get you a taxi. I’d say we’ve both had a bit too much to Apparate.”

Draco eyes Potter carefully. In his tipsy state he can look without feeling embarrassed that he finds Potter so bloody attractive. “I live on Buckingham Gate.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, are you kidding?”

“One thing I do not joke about, Potter, is real estate.” The Malfoy London property is obscenely extravagant and located just across Buckingham Palace. Draco can see why Potter’s in awe, his neighbour is technically the Queen. Draco waves his hand. “It’s been in the family for pfft, an aeon…but Mother spends most of her time at Adanya’s property in Marylebone. We hardly ever visit Malfoy Manor.”

“Is it just you there or—”

“It’s just me,” Draco says quickly, even though his mind strays to his new…captive? Pet? To Sprinkles.

“Well, I’d like to walk you home.”

Ah, Draco thinks. What the hell, why not? “Okay.”

They take a scenic route, as in for Draco, through the shopping district. He points out his favourite spots—the small boutiques, the Chanel and Louis Vuitton store, the lovely restaurants and delis he’s visited with Pansy. They walk through Green Park, their voices low as they discuss nothing and everything, their steps in sync as their shoulders bump together. When they reach the open space that is the Victoria Memorial and Buckingham Palace, Draco’s pace slows down. They’ve made it here too quickly.

He doesn’t want the night to end just yet.

Potter takes him all the way to the front entrance of the 19th century, seven-floor townhouse. The black door with the Malfoy crest as its knocker glimmers when it acknowledges Draco’s presence.

“Here we are,” Draco says, his hand tightening nervously around the handle of his briefcase.

“Wow, it’s beautiful,” Potter says, looking up.

The all-white façade and numerous windows are quite lovely. There’s only one light left on, on the first floor where Draco has set up a sort of doggy-friendly room for Sprinkles, which reminds him, he’ll have to Disillusion her to take her out for a short walk. The room may have amenities for her to do her business, but he knows how important fresh air is for animals.

“I’d like to do this again,” Potter says warmly, stepping into Draco’s personal space.

Draco sways a bit, feeling slightly dizzy as he’s caught in the calming, friendly energy that seems to radiate off of Potter.

“I’d like that. Very much.”

Potter’s eyes search Draco’s face with such an intensity that Draco’s knees weaken. “May I kiss you?”

“Oh,” Draco says softly. “Because you think I might be nice?”

Potter grins. “Well, yeah.”

“Then, yes. Please.”

A surreal feeling overcomes him as Potter’s arms wrap around Draco’s waist, pulling him in as their lips gently touch. Draco’s eyes flutter shut, and he finds that Potter’s kiss is like oxygen. He breathes it in.

Like this entire night, their kiss is over much too soon. Draco’s eyes fly open just as Potter pulls away, his cheeks flushed and green eyes iridescent in the low lights.

“Well…thank you,” Potter says softly, a dazed smile on his face.

A gentle laugh bubbles up Draco’s throat. “Thank you.”

Potter lifts a hand to Draco’s cheek. He slides his thumb across it before dropping it and taking a step back. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Goodnight, Draco,” Potter says quietly before turning away.

“Goodnight, Harry,” he whispers after him as he watches the other man walk down the street to disappear around the corner.

₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡+.ﾟ

#Super Rich Kids #TrishJames #ThusSpokeTrish #Drarry #Drarry Fic Rec #Fic Rec #Draco Malfoy #Harry Potter #LCDrarry 2020 #Drarry Fanfiction #Hp Fanfiction #Carey's bookmark Fic Recs #Carey's Personal Bookmarks #My recs

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fruitylibrarian · 3 years

Text

quest of the spear live rewatch!

i already spewed my pre call to adventure flynn thoughts all over a text post but I would like to repeat: pre-canon flynn my beloved <3

yes he is a bit of a bastard but he just loves his books and he’s so genuinely just like. passionate and like…. Big? does that make sense? like i mean inside. not literally. bright

flynn’s mom is so fucking funny

and she’s Trying Her Best

you know one thing I don’t understand, I assume that flynn could afford to keep going to college because of like grants and scholarships since he’s all smart and like, even if his mom is well off, no one below the morally bankrupt millionaire line can pay for 22 degrees and not die of no-money-itis otherwise known as Starving

but like. why not become a professor or some other academia position?

you’d be incredibly overqualified and you’re a white dude, so while academia isn’t exactly bursting with new spaces to fill I’m sure you could find something???? and like. a professor in particular, while baby flynn might not be great at the connection part, seems like a natural progression to at least try for considering it keeps you in that comfort zone and familiar space just in a different albeit familiar role, and allows you to go on long lectures people can’t interrupt. and like, professors literally like, part of their job is research and to continue learning, so like. it seems like the natural choice for him to go for?

don’t get me wrong, baby flynn in particular might not be extremely well suited considering his lack of people skills, but plenty of professors are brilliant slightly odd smarties who give long, super engaging theatrical lectures (sounds like him!) but suck at one on one meetings and talking to people or may be accidentally insulting, but like, their class is genuinely interesting and they grade decently so like, I think he could get past that hurdle is what I’m saying

obviously he’d have to work at it and get the skills necessary but you know what that means? MORE SCHOOL, BABY! just in a different direction! like just? it seems like the obvious choice for his situation

ah yes!!! magic letter!!! it’s kind of funny they do this, it’s a great hook and way to make applicants go Uh Excuse Me and want to know more but also like, there’s no proof magic happened either?

although you’d think some people would get obsessive like let me tell you if i encountered real ass magic like that i wouldn’t stop until i had an answer

ah the Incredibly Long Interview Line. it’s kinda how funny how like. Not Special he is but at the same time he is?

“never been treated so badly in my entire life!” what did you say to him charlene

i’m sure he deserved it i just want to know

wait oh no i just realized

all these people are dead

every single one of them got murdered in the first episode of the series

jesus that’s dark

not gonna be able to stop thinking about that one huh

also love how it’s pretty evenly men and women

although it’s still mostly white

fuck that lady just left crying I know they’re doing this to turn up the drama but DAMN, charlene

god he almost gave up. remember the timeline episode where he never became the librarian? weird.

Gkjlfkgjhfglh Where Do You Think You’re Going? (weak gesture like “me?”) Yes You. Get In Here amazing how can she even see him she’s around the CORNER. camera? magical surveillance? why? just to freak people out? amazing.

i do so love charlene, it’s a shame she wasn’t in the show more

also she literally never explains shit. What Makes You Think You Can Be The Librarian he doesn’t even know what that means, charlene

He Doesn’t Even Have A Library Science Degree

oh wow he does actually have librarian qualifications lmao

why did i not remember that

DLKFGJDFG I did remember him sherlocking her tho

wait her MARRIAGE? to WHO?

i thought her and judson were a thing despite jenkins being into her or something?

huh

also why does this qualify him to be The Librarian™ like oh he can sherlock? ok?

maybe it’s just bc he had the balls to do it

well, the sherlock thing is also not completely unhelpful it just doesn’t seem central to his skills, or at least, not the way he uses it (do we see him use it like this again? he usually applies more obscure knowledge then ye classic deduction sherlockian skills if I remember correctly which I may not because my brain is smooth)

judson is such a fucking drama queen

LKDJFGLKDJFGLDKFJG I FUCKING FORGOT HE LITERALLY JUST FUCKING REPEATED HIS MOM’S LITTLE PHRASE AMAZING

also why did he seem to think her sending everyone home meant he didn’t get it why would she stop all interviews because you fucked up

he just fucking walked out of a wall judson you are so dramatic

also warehouse 13 vibes huh. welcome to a world of endless wonder

I could do a whole fucking thesis on warehouse 13 and the librarians or—well that’s a whole other tangent

anYWYA

this interview was remarkably easy tho, it’s not like he wasn’t impressive but it wasn’t mindblowing either????? this coming from a big fan of flynn

the big shiny wonderous eyes as the library lights up……flynn my beloved

also his floofy hair ldkfgjdlkfgj

he’s like this is too good am I being prank’d

why the mona lisa?????iIs the mona lisa magic??? It only became famous because it got stolen why would it be magic??? Is this one of those we make it magic by believing it or some shit things???

Flynn Do Not Open The Random Box In The Library Of Incredibly Dangerous Artifacts

oh hello excalibur !!

oh rip flynn immediately being like “oh im not worthy, trust me” with 100 percent certainty im hurt oof

KSJFLGKDJGLKDJG THE APPLE “the apple from the garden of eden…….” *judson takes a bite* “actually I just left this here”

excalibur hello properly!!!!

judson is such a fucking DRAMA QUEEN he’s so casual!! and cal you too you slippery bitch!

ah the jetpack.

DLFKGJDLKFGJ “it usually takes a new librarian four hours to find the jetpack. you did it in three! congratulations” love the implication that every librarian (at least since it was added to the library) has done this no matter how serious like the bad guy of this movie… *checks notes* edware wilde? jetpack. darrington dare, probably? jetpack. i like to think jenkins did it too (not technically a librarian, but you know)

flynn thinking of himself as embarrassing… ☹

HIS MOM IS SO PROUD OF HIM

part sweet, part funny, part rip

I don’t know what she was expecting when he said librarian tho like. originally he literally looked at shit for FRY COOk degrees don’t always mean shit you know

and librarian is up there with professor in Perfect Jobs For Flynn like what did you expect??? Like even if he’d become an archaeologist (a “cool” job) it’s not like that pays super well either as far as I know??

he was never going to be Traditionally Successful

he’s still the same person he still has the same strengths and passions of course he would go into academia and do something like librarian like????? her reaction saddens me.

just be happy for him!! look at him!!!

ok first of all even normal non magic librarians don’t just put books on shelves and that’s a condescending reduction of the job, and second of all, he is so happy!! he has a job, he’s taking responsibility, he’s meeting people, isn’t that enough??? isn’t that literally what you wanted??? even if it WERE what you think it is why couldn’t it just be a good first step??? like??? fuck??? you did been know that he was doing all those fancy degrees because he loved them not because they’d get him some super fancy job??? I mean egyptology is not the most profitable field you know this isn’t med school or whatever

god.

flynn’s mom, visibly not proud and very upset: of course im proud of you!

ok im being a little unfair, she’s trying and clearly she’s been supportive of him, if not straight up enabling of him, but like this is clearly being presented as like. normal person who is normal forced to take care of freakish strange son who is so nerdy and strange and a loser and she is so tired of his shenanigans and all that WORK she put in and he’s NOT FANCY AND CHANGING TO CONFORM TO HER IDEALS OF A GOOD SUCCESSFUL SON/MAN?

and that’s just all very. sigh.

the snake brotherhood are such obnoxiously cheesy villainous villains they’re even called the snake brotherhood

also I think we’re supposed to recognize him as the previous librarian from the painting but if I didn’t already know that I for sure would not know that

smartass flynn is a smartass

I never got people bringing someone coffee to impress them unless they knew their order like there’s no way you know who she likes her coffee so you could so easily get it wrong—like even if you don’t know exactly how much sugar she wants, you could also just get it entirely wrong like assume she likes black coffee but she likes it super sweet, or vice versa, or whatever. it can go wrong so easily!

or she could go “I Hate A Kiss Ass”

she did take it anyway tho so.

ah i did forget (or just not actively think about) how much like… christian mythology there is in this show :/ I mean we did been knew (excalibur and arthurian legend are pretty important to the mythology)

not that christian mythology is inherently bad it just gets a) annoying, b) boring, and c) y’know, very western centric and all

but then trying to reconcile di—you know what that’s a tangent for another time

then again I do assume no one is going to read this

the library really does just throw new librarians into death and go “hope this is fine!” huh

did they just imply god is canon in the “the librarian” universe

you were so cryptic with the no one thing!! just say NOONE

he’s scribbling in his notebook and mumbling out loud what a mood and I love him. what a nerd

ldfkgjdlkjg god sexy jazz music and a breeze this is so dumb

I do hate the forced love interests in all these movies it’s always like Some Hot Girl Is There And They Get It On!

like he really had chemistry with eve and banter but here it kinda feels like that wish fulfilment and then the nerd gets the hot chick the end and im saying that as the nerd

it doesn’t help that each movie has a different one who immediately is dropped as if she never existed afterwards

maybe it’s not as bad as I remember but. sigh

my instant impression of her is to not like her sorry nicole :/

she’s just so rude? she’s like. hot (derogatory)

i get there’s gender politics here with like. she’s used to being treated like a piece of meat and generally like, why not reap the benefits when you are going to get the creeps too, but like, also she’s just so unnecessarily rude—I mean rejecting his clumsy flirting is one thing but you know—ok I won’t even get into that the point is I just don’t really like her that much even tho I don’t think she’s necessarily a bad person or anything you know

but to be fair I think she got better and I remember her being compelling in her return to the show

and like. I do like how the trend in this franchise is “smart little nerd librarian and badass lady guardian kicks ass” but I do wish that it turned around occasionally. we do get cassandra but like. more lady librarians

wow an air marshal? aren’t they rarely even on flights?

sorry im being nitpicky there for sure lmao. please delete the cinamasins ding my words probably summoned from your brain

I get why shoving him out was necessary but also Wow

Gjklhkjfgh imagine sitting next to some mumbling nerd the whole flight and then you see him fly past the windows

LFKGJDLKJDFG he brilliantly lowers our expectations then jumps without a chute! remarkable!

hilarious or commentary on men getting credit for womens’ competency? why not both

i really thought that she was going to be a lying liar the first time I watched this

ah naïve boy. “uh that’s against the law”

flynn’s greatest strength isn’t just his knowledge but his like. breadth of different topics, just like, passion for learning of any time, and like. the ability to not just know a lot of different things but cross-reference and apply them to each other and use them in tandem to understand a greater whole

and we love that for him!

ah flynn therapizing himself lmao

why would she take him going “this bridge is rotting and physically cant support our weight” as a challenge

or him being cowardly like THE STRUCTURAL SUPPORTS ARE ROTTING

YEAH WHAT DID YOU EXPECT OF COURSE HE FUCKING FELL

ok i lied i like nicole i just don’t love their dynamic

i get what they’re going for i just. not my thing

like with eve there was still a clear mutual respect? i guess? idk

maybe it’s just because i’m more sensitive to mean banter? i don’t like mean banter, even when it’s like, def 100 percent well meaning and not mean spirited and no one is actually offended or hurt

although despite not liking their Thing I do a) think it’s very cute how he looks at her, b) their vibe as they start to get to know each other is Better, c) the end of the movie scene where she rides in for maximum drama? now that was good shit.

oh he’s sherlocking her in a shy attempt to impress her but it’s only going to piss her off, right?

oh she’s just sherlocking him back

KSGFJLDKFGJ LMAO “nerd” and that’s it. fair

Cutting Off His Head damn that’s hardcore

hmmmm cringe,

and more cringe

and cringe.

her waking up to him gone right after telling that story about waking up to her librarian gone and then killed—oof

love the serpent brotherhood lady being like wow!! he’s SO COMPETENT!! (cuts to him screaming)

do these ancient traps just have infinite arrows?

also I do love the whole waltzing across trope what can I say im a sucker

DFLKGLDKFGJLDKJG fucking CHUCKS SOMETHING AT IT and immediately where he would be standing is crushed by a huge rock amazing

he literally just chucked a rock at it and it fell over

ah the classic “let the hero get it for us” move

oh there he is! rip

why does he look like macpherson

not really but kind of

also contrast between the lady always being like “omg the librarian is so smart” and him assuming nicole is the one who did the smart thing

“your tears were perfect” how much more of an asshole can you get

They really could have played him as more sympathetic—“oh, we’re always around these powerful artifacts but we never use them for good! I had to do it, I was sick of sitting back and doing nothing” or like “all those years of danger and guarding powerful things and what good did it ever do me? what do I get for my service?” or anything but nah hes just like “mm power good babes. anyway I love sex and being mean”

to be fair flynn he was the librarian too—a real librarian? I mean yeah edward was corrupted and ultimately failed his duties but he had to have been qualified and actually got the job for a reason

flynn I know you think you sound badass but you really don’t

god not shangri-la again. everything the show did with that was. Bad. yikes

why is—god, I should really learn her name [checks notes] lana fangirling so much?

also following the lamia tradition of “serpent brotherhood second in command who is more interesting than the main evil white guy and also a pretty woc” huh

never got like “this is literally impossible” “well do it or I [generic bad guy threat]” like usually that means nothing lmao

LDFKGJLDKFJLDKFGJ ok first of all god is me? bitch?

second of all. me in english? on this fucking ancient very much not english thing? I mean I guess a) it might not be literal, even though he did say “m, e” by letters, b) it is a christian myth so maybe planted later??? but like?????

dude. giving the super powerful artifact to your prisoner? bad idea. if you’re worried about booby traps have a minion do it.

oh yes your gun is so scary in the face of a temple collapsing

why do heroes always think the whatever is safer with them than the temple that’s guarded it for a thousand years

I get it’s been discovered but like. fuck. still

You Are Going To Crash This Helicopter

SLKGJ HORRIBLE HIGH VELOCITY PIE OF DEATH

flynn and judson…..wholesome

oh here comes more forced romance

just let them be friends who grow to mutually respect each other blease

it is very fucking funny that the mom is like ….. oh my god…. oh my god,,, a WOMAN AJUST ANSEWREDM Y SDONGS PHONE?????????OH MY GOFD?????

he is bisexual. but it’s good he’s getting out

ah floofy hair

cahooting,

Yes You Do Need Clothes

that’s a teleporter sir

god eddie wild is such a boring fucking villain and person

and his plan SUCKS

also the serpent brotherhood (why BROTHERhood?) sucks and hates the library why would they just let this guy, a librarian, literally be their new leader

wow he just stabbed a guy on his OWN TEAM for no reason

great going asshole

love how lana is just like…. O-O

we stan lana. she hasn’t done much and she’s technically a bad guy i just love her

“at last we can be one” what does that even mean

why would lana or any of them want to help him he just killed one of their own for no reason hes clearly tripping on power and leaving yall to die

lfkgjdlkfgj flynn dodging so hard while the others is fight and then PUNCHING A GUY

dfglkjdflgkj wait it’s the professor dude why is that so funny

is he WITH THEM??? I think I just missed something

hold on a sec

yeah I think he just appears??? And flynn just fucking broke his nose iconic

wait so was he with them or is he just here going WHY ARE THERE RANDOM PEOPLE IN MY PYRAMID????????????

oh right he built the—ok I got it

Wait what

I mean I did think lana was neat and she seemed impressed with flynn but what shes just like, in love with him now? that makes zero fucking sense why would she want them to Be Together

Is it just so there can be a catfight between the two hot chicks?

seriously tho? morally pure blonde blue eyed girl versus Evil Asian Chick? really?

for the record NOT THAT IT MATTERS but lana is way cuter im just saying

ah badass judson

THE COMEDY OF THE CAPSTONE CRUSHING HIM DLFKGJDLKFGJ

oh………….pulling out excalibur…. predicable but so good

oh the painting….the very Parenty way of revealing it…… wholesome

oh did NOT like that transition

oh here comes the badass fucking entrance with his gf busting in on his mom trying to set him up with girls

HER ENTRANCE IS SO UNNECESSARAILY DRAMATIC I LOVE THEM

I just love the mom’s face ldfkgjldfkgjdlkfgjdlkfjgd shes like WHAT THEGUFVCJK

again I don’t love the vibes of “oh my weird loser son is finally normal!” but to be fair im exaggerating a bit from just facial expressions it’s just. sigh

but ngl the vindication of him being able to be like. yeah that’s right im a badass now and my gf is cool as fuck is still good

him and nicole do have not terrible vibes at the end but if I remember correctly that mission (time travelling ninjas and hg wells’s time machine) is the one that separated them so rip I guess

overall: good movie! as cringe as I remember but I still love flynn so much

#flynn carsen #the librarian: quest for the spear #going to bed now. perhaps the others tomorrow

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darriness · 4 years

Text

Fic - Let It Be Me

Author: darriness

Word Count: 25705

Ship: Klaine

Rating: M

Summary: It's been three years since Blaine fell in love with Kurt, but between college, jobs, social lives, and parenting his twelve-year-old sister, can Blaine manage it all?

Beta: @darrenismydarcy

Artist: @usurix (link to piece)

Author’s Note: I finally get to post my Blaine Big Bang fic! This fic has been many many many months in the making and I’m so excited to share it with you! A heads up before you read it - This fic is a sequel to my fic Like You Wanna Be Loved. It’s probably best if you read that one first :) Thank you so much to my amazing beta @darrenismydarcy and to @usurix who created an fantastic piece for this fic! Lastly, this starts in Kurt’s perspective but I promise this is a Blaine centric fic. Enjoy!!

AO3 Link

Prologue

Kurt lightly sways the leg he has crossed over the other under the table as he drums his fingers on the tabletop. The coffee shop is only moderately busy on this Saturday afternoon and Kurt is grateful for the relative quiet.

His nerves have been frayed all day. He could barely focus in class, to the point where his statistics professor had asked him to stay after class to make sure everything was okay. It was a mortifying conversation to have, even though it was sort of nice to know his professor cared that much about one of his students.

“You seemed distracted today.” His professor had said as he packed up his bag at the front of the slowly emptying room.

Kurt had sighed, “Yeah, sorry, I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately.”

His professor had nodded, “College is a stressful time, for sure. Do you have someone you can talk to?”

Kurt had nodded quickly, “I do. Thanks. Really. I’m okay.” He assured.

“Okay. I just wanted to make sure. Take care of yourself, Kurt.” His professor had said with a sympathetic smile.

Kurt muses, as he wraps a hand around his coffee, that his third year of college is a lot different than his first. In his first year at NYU, at just eighteen, he had been just a nameless face in a crowded lecture hall. He had been nothing more than a number to his professors. He can’t help but feel like the concern of a professor would have been better placed then than now. Now Kurt’s problems have less to do with school.

Though back then his biggest problems didn’t have a whole lot to do with school either…

The bell above the door to the coffee shop chimes and Kurt is pulled from his thoughts to turn in its direction. He smiles at the person coming through the door and lifts a hand in a wave.

-- -- --

“Annie, seriously, I will literally burn your iPad to ashes if you’re not ready to go in two minutes.” Blaine calls into the apartment, pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to fend off his building headache.

“You know burning it will just mean you have to buy me another one. I need it for school. That’s a wasted threat.” Bethany snarks as she walks down the hallway toward her brother.

Blaine sighs and looks up at the ceiling. Praying for patience?

“Fine, I will put a parental lock on it so all you can do is go on school approved apps.” He amends and the twelve-year-old in front of him narrows her eyes.

“You wouldn’t.” She says.

“I totally would. But since you’re here now, I won’t have to.” He says.

Bethany keeps her eyes narrowed, as if considering calling Blaine’s bluff, but she sighs as well, “You’re so over-dramatic sometimes.” She says with an eye roll that has become less affectionate and more sassy as she’s grown into an almost teenager, “I just have to put my shoes on.”

“Thank you. I was supposed to be at the coffee shop ten minutes ago.” Blaine reminds her as she does up the laces of her running shoes.

Bethany straightens and raises her eyebrows, “Well look at that, I’m ready to go.”

“Thank you.” Blaine says again, deciding not to comment on her attitude. He just needs to leave.

He holds the door open for her and the pair make their way down the hall toward the elevator.

-- -- --

Kurt feels his breath catch as the dark haired boy that has just entered the coffee shop makes his way toward his table. He sits a little straighter and tries to calm his reaction as the other boy gets closer.

“Hey.” Kurt smiles, “You must be Quintin.” He says.

The boy, Quintin, smiles a big toothy grin that reveals dimples in his cheeks, “Hey, yeah! Which must make you Kurt?” Quintin says with a questioning eyebrow quirk. Kurt nods and Quintin sighs, “Oh good. Sam said you were gorgeous but he didn’t say you were THIS gorgeous. I thought I might have gotten the wrong table.”

Kurt feels his stomach flutter at the line, and even though it’s a slightly cheesy line...he’ll allow it.

“Well, Sam told me you were the hottest thing since sliced bread.” Kurt laughs.

Quintin scrunches his nose adorably, “Yeah, that’s actually exactly what he said to me about you, too.”

The pair laugh for a moment before they both look at each other with soft smiles, “Well, I’m just going to go grab myself a drink and then we can chat?” Quintin says, gesturing to the counter.

Kurt nods with a smile and Quintin leaves to join the line. Kurt watches him go before sighing. Quintin does seem adorable, and he’s definitely gorgeous, so maybe Kurt CAN do this. Everything in him has been telling him not to do this since Sam brought it up last week but now, in this moment, Kurt is willing to give it a shot.

What’s the worst that could happen?

-- -- --

Blaine sighs as he makes his way into the Lima Bean. He quickly heads behind the counter and catches up with Lauren who is making a latte at the machine, “I’m so sorry, Lauren. Bethany was...we had trouble…” He sighs, “I’m sorry.” He says again instead of excusing his tardiness.

Lauren eyes him as she pulls the lever to steam milk, “If you weren’t my best employee this would be a big deal.” She says, “Are you and Bethany going to be able to make this work?” She asks with a raised eyebrow.

Blaine swallows thickly at her question. He knows she’s asking simply if he can make it to work on time in the future and he nods to let her know that yes they can, but he can’t help but think about the larger meaning of that question.

Can he and Bethany make all of this work anymore?

As he does up his apron and takes his place at the register with a forced smile at his next customer, he’s not so sure they can.

Chapter One

Three Years Ago…

Reality is an interesting thing. No matter how much you may want to ignore it, it bites you in the ass eventually.

For Kurt and Blaine, that reality comes the July after they graduate high school.

Far sooner than either of them expected or wanted.

Kurt shakes his head as he looks at the other boy sitting across from him on his bed, “I’m sorry, what?”

Blaine swallows and looks down at the duvet, plucking at it with his fingers, “Bethany and I aren’t going to New York.” He whispers.

Kurt blinks in surprise, opening and closing his mouth several times as he tries to come up with something to say, “But...you said you were.” He finally lands on, but the sentence seems wholly inadequate.

Blaine sighs, “I know but...Bethany all but revolted when I suggested it.” He looks at Kurt with pleading eyes. Eyes asking him to understand, “I’ve already moved her once. I can’t ask her to do it again.”

“Yes, you can!” Kurt exclaims, “You’re the parent in this situation. You have the authority.”

“But I’m not, am I!” Blaine suddenly yells, “I’m not the parent. I’m her brother. I have no idea what I’m doing and I definitely don’t have the ‘authority’,” He says with sarcastic air quotes, “to make her move across the country just because I want to follow my boyfriend to college.”

Kurt pouts his lips, more than a little hurt by Blaine’s words but trying not to show it, “But you wouldn’t be following me. New York is your dream.”

Blaine shakes his head, “Dreams change. I have Bethany to think about now.”

Kurt presses his lips together and nods, shifting his gaze from Blaine to the floor. He can feel tears prickling behind his eyes and wills them to not come, “So, um,” He coughs, “What does this mean for us?”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything.” Blaine says and Kurt’s eyes snap back to the other boy’s face, “Well, okay, we’ll be living apart for a while.” He amends, “But we can make it work! Lots of couples do.”

Kurt feels everything inside himself sink. In the years to come, he’ll blame his youth and naivety on the fact that he’d felt a flare of hope when Blaine had started talking, but at the moment the abrupt change in emotion has left him dizzy. He’s not sure whether he wants to cry, scream, or both.

Blaine is looking at him hopefully, almost desperately, and Kurt hates those eyes in this moment. He hates that he loves them so much, he hates that looking into them reminds him of every good thing that has happened to him over the past ten months, and he hates that looking into them makes him want to agree with whatever arrangement Blaine may propose for the next four years of their lives at least.

...It’s that last thought that gives him pause, however. Something suddenly occurs to him that he’s known for months but had momentarily forgotten. This something had filled him with joy and contentment for months but has suddenly turned sour.

He narrows his eyes slightly at Blaine and says in an even tone, “You accepted NYU’s offer.”

Blaine’s eyes widen slightly but he doesn’t offer anything beyond opening and closing his mouth several times, no sound coming out. Despite his lack of answer, or maybe because of it, Kurt feels his anger rise.

“You applied. You got an acceptance letter. A week before mine. And you accepted. I was there when you did.” Kurt needlessly reminds him. Blaine swallows from the bed, “When did you decide you weren’t going?” He asks.

Blaine swallows thickly, before shrugging and letting out a humourless laugh, “It doesn’t matter.” He says.

Kurt’s eyes narrow further, “When did you decide you weren’t going?” He asks again.

“Before I accepted the offer.” Blaine whispers to the duvet.

“Then why did you accept it?” Kurt yells and Blaine flinches.

“I didn’t know how to tell you!” He defends, “And then I was going to tell you but then you got your acceptance letter and you were so excited and I couldn’t do that to you.”

“You lied to me!” Kurt yells, “You’ve been lying to me for months!”

“I…” Blaine starts but Kurt keeps going, not giving him a chance to respond.

“You’re always lying to me!” He exclaims and Blaine pulls up short, his eyes widening at the unexpected words.

“What…?” He asks.

Kurt starts to pace, “You have literally lied to me for most of the time we’ve known each other. How can I be sure that everything you’ve told me isn’t a lie?”

Blaine’s eyes pinch, “Kurt, I…”

“Get out.” Kurt whispers, crossing his arms over his chest, tightly, as if the move will hold him together.

“Kurt…” Blaine starts again but is once again interrupted.

“Get out!” Kurt screams, pointing at the door, his cheeks red with anger and embarrassment. He feels embarrassment over having believed anything this boy has ever said.

Blaine jumps slightly and rises from the bed. He puts his hands up in surrender and backs up, “Okay, I’ll leave. We can talk about this later.”

Kurt sniffs and suddenly realizes he’s crying. He wipes angrily at his nose - he doesn’t want to cry right now, or at least not until Blaine GETS. OUT.

“There won’t be a later.” He whispers.

“Don’t say that.” Blaine whispers back.

Kurt glares at the other boy, “I’ll say whatever I damn well please. And just to be clear, even though *I* have never lied to *you*, I'm not lying about this. Get out, Blaine. Enjoy your life with Bethany. We’re done.”

Blaine’s eyes are wide as he stares at Kurt, who diverts his eyes and stares at his bed. He can’t handle looking at Blaine anymore. He’s not sure if he’s more angry or sad at the moment, but what he does know is that he needs to figure that out without the other boy there.

He sees from the corner of his eye as Blaine backs slowly toward the door of his bedroom. He sees him hesitate at the door and Kurt is about to tell him again to get out, when Blaine’s moving again - out of the door and out of Kurt’s life.

-- -- --

Present Day…

Kurt had spent three days in his bed after that afternoon, refusing to talk to anyone about what had happened (or about anything at all). He’d finally opened up to his father when Burt became so distraught by Kurt’s behaviour that Kurt feared another heart attack.

When he’d moved to New York that August, he promised his dad he would make an effort to live his life to the fullest, and while the first few months had been especially hard, Kurt had finally started to move on. He started making new friends, joining clubs at school, and even eventually going on a few dates. In his three years in New York, however, he has yet to enter a relationship with anyone and the slight pang in his chest as his date for the afternoon sits opposite him with a smile reminds him of why.

“So,” Quintin says, “tell me more about yourself? Sam says you used to be in show choir together?”

The pair spend the afternoon in companionable conversation. Kurt finds himself blushing slightly at some of the things Quintin says and when Quintin says, with what appears to be a regretful sigh, that he needs to get to a study group, Kurt finds himself wondering when they can see each other again.

“Are you free on Friday?” Kurt asks.

Quintin smiles, “What did you have in mind?”

-- -- --

Blaine had spent three days after leaving Kurt’s that afternoon warring within himself. Part of him wanted to call Kurt and beg him to work this out but the other part of him, the part that eventually won out, was angry and hurt by Kurt’s comments.

The fact that Kurt had thrown Blaine’s omissions and falsehoods when they first met at him during their fight had knocked the wind out of Blaine. He never imagined Kurt would have harboured any anger or mistrust because of that. Blaine had thought Kurt had understood why he’d done what he’d done.

He also felt an almost overwhelming sadness and loss but he didn’t have what he considered the luxury of wallowing in it. He had Bethany to support and so, while on the inside he felt numb, on the outside he had to keep moving forward. He applied to Lima Community College and got a job at the Lima Bean. He did everything he could think of to keep himself distracted.

He had hoped, somewhat in vain, that Bethany wouldn’t notice that Kurt stopped coming around, but even if she wasn’t the most intuitive nine-year-old in the world, it was stupid to think she wouldn’t.

“What’s going on with you and Kurt?” She’d asked one night a week after their fight.

Blaine shook his head while drying the pan from dinner, “Nothing. Don’t worry about it, Annie.” He said. He brought a hand to his chest to stop the physical ache he could feel at the mention of his name.

Bethany narrowed her eyes at him and pouted her lips but when Blaine gave her a shrug and looked away, she sighed and stalked out of the room.

She didn’t bring up Kurt again after that and Blaine hadn’t known whether to feel grateful or more heartbroken because of it. He and his sister had started to gradually drift apart after that, and while Blaine tries to play it off as preteen hormones on his sister’s part, he knows deep down there’s more to it, and it’s definitely not one-sided.

“Blaine!” Blaine is jerked from his thoughts by the sharp yell of his boss. He shakes his head to clear it of thoughts of Kurt only to realize he’s spilled half a coffee pot on the floor.

“Oh my God, Lauren, I’m so sorry!” He says, already reaching for a rag to start cleaning up.

Lauren lets out an exasperated sigh and waves him off, “Go home, Blaine.” She says, not unkindly but with authority, “Just...go home and get your head together and come back tomorrow.” She says.

Blaine’s stomach drops at the dismissal. She may not be firing him (even he thinks she probably should at this point) but to be reminded of how much his life really isn’t working right now is like a punch to the gut.

“Okay.” He whispers, dejectedly, before taking off his apron. As he leaves, he turns back to see Lauren and Garret, the other employee working, setting about cleaning up Blaine’s mess.

If only Blaine could clean up his own mess…

Chapter Two

Blaine’s not really one for fate and destiny. Maybe he had been once upon a time, but as his twenty-first birthday approaches he feels like he no longer believes in all that. He’s been forced, over the years, to become too practical and level-headed.

He’s also not a big fan of coincidence. Which is why, as his car’s check engine light flares to life on his dashboard on his way home from work and something within the car begins to make a very unhealthy whirring noise, he wants to growl when he notices what business is just up ahead. Clearly SOMEONE out there believes in fate, destiny, and coincidence.

He sighs as he turns into the parking lot of Hummel Tires and Lube and prays, as he gets out of the car, that Burt Hummel decided to take today off. Blaine makes his way into the shop and curses under his breath when he notices the tall figure of Finn Hudson standing at the counter. He hadn’t thought about him. Maybe Finn won’t recognize him.

Any hopes of not being recognized are dashed when Finn’s eyes widen when they land on Blaine and he puts down the phone he’d been fiddling with. Blaine is the only customer in the room (why can’t there be more people in the room?), “Blaine?” Finn says in awe and confusion.

Blaine coughs and decides to take this like a man. Just because he hasn’t seen any of Kurt’s family in three years doesn’t mean this has to be awkward, “Hi Finn.” He says, approaching the desk.

Finn shakes his head, “This is such a small world!” Finn exclaims.

Blaine gives a tight smile and nods, “My car’s check eng…” He tries to explain why he’s here but clearly Finn isn’t done with their reunion.

“Does Burt know you were coming?” Blaine’s eyebrows furrow, why would Burt know he was coming?, “He’ll be so excited that you’re here! Burt!” Finn calls into the back of the shop and Blaine panics.

“Finn, seriously, I just want…” But he’s once again interrupted.

“How long has it been? Three years? What have you been up to? Burt keeps saying how he’s mad you haven’t called or come over.” Finn’s rapid fire speech is leaving Blaine a little dizzy.

Yes, it has been three years. What has he been up to? Trying to stay above water. Burt’s mad he hasn’t called? He finds that the most confusing thing of all. Why would his ex-boyfriend’s father care that he hasn’t called?

Blaine suddenly feels like this was a bad idea. He should have kept driving to another mechanic in town and stayed as far away from here as possible. His day is going from bad to worse.

“Well if it isn’t the mysterious, vanishing Blaine.” Any hope of escape is gone when the voice of Burt Hummel fills the space. Blaine bites his lip and rubs his hands together, not sure, at all, what to say to this man. Burt looks at him silently for a few moments from the doorway to the back of the shop, which only makes Blaine squirm harder, before sighing and gesturing behind himself with his head, “Come on back to my office. You can tell me what’s wrong with your car.”

Blaine lets out a shaky breath and looks at Finn, who smiles at him, before following Burt back to a small office inside the garage. It’s cluttered with papers and Blaine stands awkwardly in the door, looking around at anything but Burt. He hears Burt sigh roughly and then the squeak of a chair as Burt sits down.

“So, what’s going on with your car?” Burt asks.

Blaine blinks. Even though that’s what Burt had said they were going to talk about, Blaine had assumed he was being taken back to the office to be interrogated about everything that happened three years ago and everything that has happened since.

“Ummm,” Blaine coughs, “My check engine light came on and something is making a strange whirring sound.” He says, finally looking over at the older man.

Burt nods, “I’ll get one of my guys to take a look at it.” He says.

Blaine nods, “Thanks.” He says and then a silence descends in the room.

Blaine wonders if it would be incredibly rude to just leave. He doesn’t know what to say to Burt. He’s pretty sure Kurt’s father hates him anyway.

Burt sighs again, “Kid, why do you look like I’m about to attack you?”

Blaine jumps slightly and then chuckles to himself because he *is* acting like Burt is seconds away from attacking him, and while Blaine may not know a lot, he knows Burt Hummel is not really the attacking kind. Maybe if someone was hurting his son…

Blaine swallows at the thought. Blaine *had* hurt Burt’s son. He tenses slightly again.

Burt presses his lips together and considers Blaine with a calculating gaze, “How are things?” He asks.

Blaine nods, “Good.” He answers. Are they? Are they good?

Burt laughs, “Well, if that ain’t the biggest load of bull I’ve ever heard.” Blaine shakes his head but Burt doesn’t really give him a chance to deny it. Would he deny it?, “I’ll get Tom to look at your car and let you know what’s going on. Are you going to need a ride home?”

Blaine nods.

“Well, just head up to Finn and he’ll get you set up with everything.” Burt finishes and Blaine nods again before turning to leave, “Hey, wait.” Burt says and Blaine stops, turning slightly to find that Burt has risen from his chair.

Blaine’s eyes are wide as he watches the bigger man walk towards him, “Come here.” Burt says, softly before pulling at Blaine’s shoulder and bringing him in for a hug.

Blaine tenses but it doesn’t take long before he’s sort of melting and wrapping his arms around the other man. It’s been a long time since he’s been hugged by Burt, but if he’s honest, it’s been a long time since he’s been hugged by anyone. Burt smells like grease and laundry detergent and Blaine is catapulted back to when hugs with the older Hummel were a regular occurence.

“Come to dinner at the house on Friday.” Burt says.

Blaine pulls back and coughs awkwardly, not making eye contact, “Oh um, thank you but…”

Burt leaves his hands on Blaine’s shoulder and ducks to meet his eyeline, “I wasn’t really asking. It has been far too long. Poor Carole has missed hanging out with Bethany. You’ve gotta come.”

Blaine swallows, and maybe it’s residual effects from the hug, but he nods, “Okay. Okay, we’ll come.”

-- -- --

“Can you grab the pie, please?” Blaine asks as he and Bethany get out of the car, which is newly fixed and running well, on Friday night.

Bethany rolls her eyes but does as she asks, “Must you roll your eyes all the time?” Blaine asks, just a little exasperated.

“Must you dress like a five-year-old all the time?” Bethany shoots back.

Blaine scowls and straightens his cardigan. He doesn’t comment further because he doesn’t want to fight now and he knows he’s being punchy only because he’s nervous and Bethany’s being grumpy because she’s twelve...and probably a little nervous as well.

Her eyes had widened when Blaine had told her about their plans for Friday night. He couldn’t tell if she was excited or just shocked, but she hadn’t put up any fight (a rarity whenever Blaine suggested a plan of any kind) and had actually been ready to go before him (another rarity).

They make their way up the path and Blaine knocks when they get to the door, “I’ll get it!” He hears from inside and moments later Carole Hummel-Hudson is standing before them dressed in black pants and a black and white top that are both flattering. Blaine doesn’t really get to see much more as he’s pulled into an enthusiastic hug by Kurt’s step-mother.

“Oh, it’s so good to see you two! Look how old you’ve gotten!” Carole exclaims, letting go of Blaine and giving him a once over like a protective mother, before moving to pull Bethany into a hug.

Bethany has just enough time to move the pie to one hand to keep it from getting squished between them and Blaine is sure when he sees Bethany’s face there is going to be a ‘what the fuck’ expression on it.

However, he’s proven wrong when Carole turns and Bethany’s face comes into view just over Carole’s shoulder. Bethany’s eyes are closed and she has a soft smile on her face as she hugs Carole back one handed. Turns out it wasn’t just Blaine who had missed being hugged by such warm, welcoming people.

Blaine smiles at the pair as they separate. Bethany’s smile drops as she scowls at Blaine before turning to Carole with a smile, “We...brought pie.” She says, offering the dessert in her hand.

Carole claps, “Excellent! Now, I hope you’re ready to help me in the kitchen, young lady. I’ve missed having competent hands in there. Finn and Burt are just too oafish to be helpful.”

Bethany giggles and Blaine looks at his sister with raised eyebrows. It’s not a sound he’s heard in a long while.

“Blaine, Burt and Finn are in the den. You’re welcome to hang out with them or come join us in the kitchen. From what I remember you aren’t bad with a knife and mixing bowl.” She winks at him.

Blaine feels completely disoriented. Why doesn’t Carole hate him? Why is she being so nice and acting like nothing has changed and like they haven’t not seen each other in three years? Blaine feels the knots in his chest that have been there all week loosening slightly and he brings a hand up to massage his breast bone in response.

“I’ll go say hi in the den and then maybe join you in the kitchen?” He says and Carole nods but Bethany sighs.

“We don’t need any help in the kitchen, Blaine.” She says before stalking around Carole and into the house.

Blaine stands awkwardly on the threshold as Carole looks at him and then at Bethany’s retreating back. He can tell there are questions behind her eyes but he’s thankful when she doesn’t voice any.

“Well, I’m sure once you start watching the game, you won’t want to join us anyway. But you are more than welcome to do either.” Carole says, ushering him inside.

-- -- --

Blaine enters the den to find Burt sitting on a chair and Finn sitting on the couch. If it weren’t for the fact that Finn’s features have matured slightly with age, Blaine would have been convinced he’d time travelled to the past.

Both men look up when Blaine enters and he waves awkwardly.

“I’m going to go help mom with the cooking!” Finn suddenly says, too loudly for the space they’re in and making Blaine jump and Burt sigh.

Burt and Blaine watch Finn leave, silently, before Blaine turns back to Burt who shakes his head, “He was supposed to do that tactfully. But who am I kidding, that boy doesn’t have a tactful bone in his body.”

Blaine chuckles lightly before making his way over to the spot Finn vacated and sitting on the edge of the couch. He knows Burt would want to talk to him but he’d honestly hoped for a little bit of a time beforehand. Oh, hell, who is he kidding, he’d been hoping to avoid this conversation completely.

“So,” Burt starts, turning the game - UCLA versus Cincinnati - on mute and turning to Blaine, who looks back at him with a slightly worried expression, “Why haven’t I heard from you in three years?”

Blaine sucks in a breath. He knew this probably wasn’t going to be a fun conversation, but apparently Burt wasn’t pulling any punches or starting slow. Blaine shifts, “I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me.”

Burt quirks an eyebrow, “What in the world would give you that idea?”

Blaine quirks his own eyebrow, “Because I hurt him.” He says simply.

Burt scoffs, “From what I heard, Kurt did more of the hurting.” Blaine sucks in a breath. He hasn’t heard Kurt’s name outside his own head in almost three years and he’s surprised by the pang of hurt that blooms in his chest at the word.

But then Burt’s words register and he looks up, “What?” He asks, breathlessly.

“When I finally got the story out of Kurt about why you two broke up, I was mad.” Burt says and Blaine nods, “At *him*.” Burt emphasizes and Blaine’s eyes snap to the older man in surprise. Burt shakes his head, “Look, should you have lied about going to New York? Probably not. But I also know how stubborn and strong-headed my son is. He wouldn’t have accepted any other answer. And you were honest with him in the end. His not being able to accept that isn’t your fault.”

Blaine feels tears prick at his eyes. He wasn’t prepared for this and he certainly wasn’t prepared for it ten minutes after entering the house. He takes a deep breath and blinks at the carpet as he tries to process Burt’s words.

“But that doesn’t mean I’m not mad at you.” Burt continues as if Blaine’s participation in the conversation really isn’t needed. Blaine looks back up at him. Of course Burt is mad at him, “But not for what you think I’m mad at you for.” Blaine’s brow furrows, “Part of the deal was that you and Bethany would check in and come to dinners and after what happened you just...stopped. Everything. All contact. That’s not fair, Blaine. Do you know how worried I’ve been about the two of you?”

Blaine breathes in sharply, feeling much like he did during his and Burt’s hug earlier in the week and Carole’s inspection at the door a few minutes ago. He’s gone so long without the nurturing care or guidance of a parental figure that he feels sort of shaky in the face of it.

“I’m sorry.” He breathes out, not really knowing what else to say.

Burt observes him for a moment with pursed lips before nodding, “Apology accepted. As long as from now on you keep in touch and come to dinners again.” Blaine nods before Burt is even finished the sentence and Burt nods again, “All right. Now, I’ve got more to say but I think that’s enough for tonight. Whatta you say we turn on the game and enjoy the rest of our evening?”

Chapter Three

“Hey Kurt! Dinner tonight?” Rachel enthuses the next Friday, as soon as Kurt picks up his phone.

He chuckles at her overexuberance, “Sure. Just tell me the time and place. But not that Thai place again. I’m still having nightmares from that night.”

Rachel sighs and he’s sure she’s remembering the night they ate at Lemon Grass and then proceeded to throw up until dawn.

“Never again.” She agrees.

Kurt’s phone beeps in his hand and he pulls it away from his face to see a call from Quintin coming in. He smiles and brings his phone to his ear again, “Hey Rach, Quintin’s calling. Just text me the information.”

“Oooooh Quintin! That’s been going on for…”

“I gotta go!” Kurt interrupts and he can hear Rachel giggle as he presses the button to end the call with his best friend and connect Quintin’s call, “Hey!” He says.

“Hey, I was just calling to see if you wanted to do dinner tonight.” Quintin asks in his smooth tenor voice.

Kurt pouts, “I actually just agreed to have dinner with Rachel tonight.” He says, “But you could come!”

Quintin chuckles and Kurt feels his stomach flip pleasantly at the sound, “Kurt, it’s fine. Enjoy your dinner with Rachel. Tomorrow?”

Things with Quintin have been going really well. They’ve been seeing each other for two weeks and Kurt has been enjoying getting to know the other man.

“Yeah. Tomorrow sounds great.” He says around a smile.

His phone beeps in his hand again and he pulls it back with a shocked expression at his own seeming popularity to see Finn’s name flashing on the screen.

“Hey, Quintin, my brother’s calling and I always like to pick up in case it’s something to do with my dad.” Kurt explains.

“Totally get it.” Quintin says, easily, “I’ll text you about tomorrow.” And then he’s gone, allowing Finn’s call to connect.

Kurt smiles as he accepts his stepbrother’s call, thinking how sweet Quintin is, “Hey Finn.” He says.

“Hey Kurt! What’s up, bro?” Kurt rolls his eyes affectionately at Finn’s words. He both loves and finds it mildly baffling how close they’ve gotten over the years considering how their relationship had started.

“Nothing. Just working on a paper. What’s up?” Kurt asks and while his question is meant to find out the purpose behind Finn’s call, it causes the other man to begin a description of his day. It’s at this point Kurt realizes that Finn doesn’t HAVE a purpose for calling beyond sharing random facts about his day.

“There was a guy who came into the shop with his bike and asked us to fix it. Like his pedal bike, not a motorcycle. And then at lunch, Frank ate my tuna sandwich so I had to go out and get another one. Can you believe that?” Kurt hums but he knows by now it’s more a rhetorical question, “And then I had to help clean Mom and Burt’s house for dinner tonight just because Blaine and Bethany are coming. But I mean why is that my…” He trails off but Kurt’s not sure if he really does trail off or is still speaking and Kurt can’t hear him over the white noise in his ears.

Blaine and Bethany? Blaine and Bethany having dinner with his family? How long has this been happening? Why has no one told Kurt until now?

Kurt feels his chest tighten and his next breath stutters out of him, “Shit. I don’t think I was supposed to tell you that.” Finn moans.

“How long have they been going to dinners?” Kurt asks when he finds his voice. He knows from his father that Blaine and Bethany stopped coming to dinner after he and Kurt broke up but he has no idea when they started again.

His father mentioning that fact had been the only time in the three years since the break up that Kurt had heard Blaine’s name, until now. The truth is, he has been actively avoiding hearing it.

He hasn’t admitted it to anyone, but he had almost immediately regretted breaking up with Blaine. Part of the reason he’d been so despondent the days following was because he was trying to force himself not to drive over to Blaine’s and try and fix everything. But he had messed things up too terribly, Blaine was too angry, so he forced himself to stay put. He’d told everyone he didn’t want to hear about Blaine anymore and if they thought that was because he was angry (as opposed to ashamed) then that was probably better.

“Ummm just last week. Listen, Kurt, I don’t think I was supposed to say anything. I’m...sorry.” Finn mumbles, sadly, and while Kurt would love to be mad at his brother, he can’t find it in himself to be mad at the well-meaning, though oblivious, man.

“I gotta go, Finn.” He says.

“Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not.” At you. He adds to himself, “Look, I really do have to go. We’ll talk later.”

He hangs up when Finn says goodbye and stares at his phone for a few silent moments. Who is he actually mad at? His father? Blaine? Both? Himself?

He shakes his head violently to clear that thought from his brain and sighs down at his phone. He wants nothing more than to call his dad and ask for more information but he really needs to get this paper done. He also wants to think about what he wants to say.

With another heavy sigh, he lays his phone on the desk next to his computer and tries to focus back on the paper. He gives up after the fifth time he types Blaine’s name into his paper and decides he’ll have to get back to it later.

-- -- --

Blaine smiles as he watches Bethany finish getting ready to head over to Burt and Carole’s. Something has been different about his little sister over the last week. It’s not a huge change but she’s seemed...happier. She scowls at Blaine less and they’ve fought slightly less than usual. She even smiled at him the other night when he suggested they get macaroni and cheese for dinner.

“Ready to go?” Bethany asks, putting the finishing touches on her ponytail.

Blaine nods, “I am.” He says, gesturing out the door with an arm for her to go first. She snorts and rolls her eyes as she goes, and while he hates when she rolls her eyes, for the first time in a long time her eye roll felt more affectionate than simply annoyed.

Progress.

When they get to Burt and Carole’s, Bethany immediately heads off into the kitchen where Carole and Finn are baking cookies. Blaine follows Burt into the living room and they sit down on the couch.

“So how’s that Grand Am coming?” Blaine asks, conversationally. He’s spoken to Burt a handful of times on the phone over the past week.

Burt purses his lips as he considers him and Blaine can’t help but feel like he’s being scrutinized. He’s not sure why though. He hasn’t done anything wrong from what he can remember, especially not where Burt is concerned.

“Alright, I’m going to ask you something and I want an honest answer. Understand?” Burt asks.

Blaine nods with big eyes, what could Burt possibly want to know?

“How are things?” The older man asks.

Blaine lets out a surprised laugh, “Good.” He answers quickly, baffled that that was the question.

Burt narrows his eyes, “I told you to be honest.”

Blaine’s eyes widen further before he shakes his head in confusion. He wasn’t lying. Things are good. Well, things are...fine. Okay, things aren’t great….

...Had he lied?

Burt sighs and before Blaine can answer or even figure out what he’s thinking, Burt speaks again, “Look, Blaine, I admit I haven’t seen you in three years but I know what ‘not alright’ looks like and you are the definition of ‘not alright.’”

Blaine blinks at the older man and the room is silent before Blaine feels tears burning at the back of his eyes. He’s shocked to realize he’s close to crying and yet he has to blink forcefully to keep the tears at bay.

Burt sighs again, “What’s going on, bud? I know it’s been a while but I like to feel like I used to be able to help you when you needed it.”

Blaine nods, “You did.” He assures.

Burt nods as well, “Then let me help you *now*.”

Blaine takes a deep breath and lets it out as more tears threaten, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” He whispers hoarsely and his fight against his tears is lost as a few traitorous drops fall. He quickly wipes them away with his fingers but more are produced in their absence, “For the last three years, Bethany just seems to...hate me more than she loves me. It’s like there’s this distance between us that was never there before and I don’t know how to fix it.” Now that he’s started, he doesn’t know how to stop, “And I just feel like nothing is going my way - I’m a giant disappointment at work, I’m having to drop more classes than I’m taking at college, and I always feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions and I don’t know where to look first.” He runs a shaky hand over his mouth and shakes his head, “I feel like I’m falling apart.”

Blaine takes a shaky breath after his...there’s no other way to put it, but verbal diarrhea. The thought makes him chuckle and then he chuckles harder when Burt’s eyebrows draw together in confusion.

“I just...spewed that all out, didn’t I?” Blaine laughs, wiping a stray tear that escapes.

Burt purses his lips, “You know, kid, no one knows what they’re doing.”

Blaine sighs as his laughter subsides, “Yeah, but does everyone feel like a failure ninety percent of the time?”

Burt shrugs, “Maybe not ninety?” He says, “But I can’t tell you how many times raising Kurt I would think ‘What the hell have I gotten myself into?’ And I wasn’t twenty-one trying to raise a twelve-year-old on my own.”

Blaine nods and takes a deep breath, looking down at the floor and running his hands over his thighs. He hears Burt sigh, “I know this isn’t easy, Blaine, but you’re not alone. You’ve got people you can lean on if you want to.”

Blaine nods again and wipes at his eyes as more tears fall, “I’ve felt so alone these last three years.”

Burt sighs and nods, bringing a hand up to lay on Blaine’s shoulder and squeezing, “You’re not alone. And you weren’t alone then. We were always a phone call away.”

Blaine falls into the hug like he can’t keep himself up anymore. Burt welcomes him with open arms and they are quiet as they embrace, Burt squeezing Blaine’s shoulder with a firm and solid grip.

For the first time in three years, Blaine doesn’t feel so alone.

-- -- --

“Hummel Tires and Lube?” Kurt smiles instantly at his father’s voice and the phrase he grew up listening to every time he called the shop.

“Hey Dad.” Kurt says.

“Kurt!” Kurt’s sure the warmth that enters Burt’s voice isn’t his imagination and it makes him smile even more despite the reason for his call, “How’s it going, bud?”

Kurt nods, “Good. Good.”

“Bought your ticket to come home yet?” Burt asks.

Kurt rolls his eyes and chuckles, “Yes Dad. I’ve had my flight booked for almost a month.”

“Good.” Burt says, simply.

Kurt sighs, “Look, Dad, I called because I wanted to ask you about something.”

Burt is quiet on the phone and then Kurt hears him sigh, “Finn told you, didn’t he? About Blaine and Bethany.”

Kurt’s not surprised his father put two and two together so quickly, “Yeah.” He answers.

Burt sighs again and Kurt can picture him taking his hat off and rubbing his forehead, “I don’t know what you want me to say about it, Kurt.”

“How about the fact that you didn’t tell me.”

“For one, it’s only happened twice so it’s not like I’ve been keeping it a secret for months, and two, I’m under no obligation to tell you anything about it.” Burt responds.

Kurt guffaws, “You don’t think I should have a say in my own father inviting my ex-boyfriend over to dinner?”

“No, Kurt, I don’t. You don’t have to be happy about it, but it’s happening.”

Kurt blinks, “So you’re picking him over me?”

“No!” Burt exclaims, but he seems angry as opposed to shocked. He sighs again, “Look, you know how I feel about your breakup with Blaine but I respect that it’s your life and you’re allowed to make the decisions you do.” Kurt feels a pang in his chest and has to bring a hand up to massage it, “But I never said I would stop making sure Blaine was okay.”

Kurt presses his lips together, “Okay.” He whispers finally.

“Okay.” Burt says, “Now, tell me more about this Quintin.”

Chapter Four

As March turns to April, Blaine and Bethany continue to spend every Friday evening at the Hummel-Hudson house. Blaine feels no more secure in his life, but he finds that for one night a week, he can breathe a little easier.

He finds it strange that no one ever brings up Kurt. It’s like the man doesn’t even exist outside the pictures around the house (which are enough to make Blaine’s heart ache a little), and while Blaine appreciates it, in a way, he also gets the feeling they’re avoiding talking about Kurt for his benefit.

He wants to tell them not to do that, that he’s a grown up with grown up responsibilities and that he can handle the mention of his ex boyfriend's name, except...the words never leave his lips. He’s sort of grateful he doesn’t have to deal with the “Kurt” of it all. That he can enjoy these dinners and the comfort they bring, without acknowledging the giant (but beautiful) blue-eyed elephant in the room.

He can tell that Bethany is benefiting from their time at the Hummel-Hudsons as well. She smiles more readily and will voluntarily spend time with Blaine now and again. It’s not like it was before, but it’s better than it’s been.

One night after Friday dinner, Bethany follows Carole into the kitchen and sits at the kitchen island while the older woman cleans up. Blaine, Finn, and Burt are busy watching football (Bethany once asked if football was the only channel the Hummel-Hudson house got).

“Hey Carole?” Bethany asks as Carole begins to load dishes into the dishwasher. Carole hums and looks up with a smile before continuing her clean up, “Have you ever been to New York City?”

Carole looks up with a confused smile, “I have. A few times. Why do you ask?”

Bethany shrugs, pulling her thin long sleeve shirt sleeves over her hands, “Just curious. What’s it like?”

Carole sighs, thoughtfully, as she puts in the last plate, closes the dishwasher and grabs the kitchen towel. She holds it between her hands as she leans on her elbows on the other side of the island, “It’s....busy.” She says, “But it’s also really exciting. There are always people moving and things going on. Your eyes never get bored.”

Bethany nods, “Cool.” She says, simply.

Carole narrows her eyes and pouts her lips, “Are you sure there isn’t another reason you’re asking?”

Bethany shakes her head and smiles, “Nope. Just wanted to know.”

Carole smiles before pushing up and turning to the sink, “Well, maybe one day you can make your way there, if you want to. It’s definitely something everyone should experience at least one.”

Bethany nods, “Yeah. One day.” She whispers, thoughtfully rubbing her finger on the marble countertop, “Ummm, do you think it would be cool if I...slept over at some point?”

Bethany hadn’t intended to ask, didn’t know if she’d be welcome, but she has been dying to ask since she and Blaine began coming to dinners again.

Carole turns around with wide eyes before her face breaks into a large smile and Bethany releases the breath she didn’t realize she was holding, “Of course, sweetheart!” Carole enthuses.

“Cool.” Bethany says with a wide smile of her own.

-- -- --

It’s a few weeks later that Blaine pulls up in front of the Hummel-Hudson home to pick up Bethany after she had spent the night after dinner. Carole had told him she would be happy to drive Bethany home but Blaine had assured her he was more than happy to pick his sister up.

He had enjoyed the night to himself more than he thought he would. He’d poured a glass of wine and spent the night watching neglected PVR shows. It may not have been the most exciting night but it had definitely felt nice, and needed.

He makes his way up the driveway and knocks on the door. He doesn’t have to wait long for it to open, but instead of Carole like he expected, it’s Bethany on the other side.

“Carole had to go to work.” Bethany explains as she opens the door more for Blaine to enter, “She left about a half hour ago. I’ll go grab my stuff.”

Blaine nods as he makes his way inside and closes the door behind him. He follows Bethany into the living room and she makes her way to the couch, shoving a sweater into her overnight bag. She sighs and looks up at the ceiling, as if trying to mentally make sure she has everything.

Her eyes light up a moment later, “Oh! I forgot my phone charger upstairs. Be right back!” She calls, already running out of the room and up the stairs.

Blaine sighs as he looks around, rocking on his heels as he waits. He hears a noise but it’s not Bethany coming back downstairs, it’s the front door opening.

He turns, expecting to see Burt or Finn, but his eyes widen as Kurt walks through the door, pulling a suitcase behind him and talking fast, “Hey! My flight got changed from tonight to this afternoon, so here I am! Surprise!”

Blaine is frozen to the spot as Kurt drops his bags and kicks his shoes off, obviously not realizing that Blaine is the only person he’s speaking to.

Blaine’s breath catches at the sight of Kurt. He’s shocked sure, but he also notices how much Kurt has changed in the three years since he’s seen him. While Kurt is distracted, Blaine has the chance to notice how much broader Kurt’s shoulders are, how much more slim his waist is, and how much more...manly he appears. Of course Kurt was always ‘manly’ but when Blaine had known him, he was still part boy. Any part of Kurt that was boyish seems to have disappeared.

Blaine swallows thickly just as Kurt’s eyes make a sweep of the room. Blaine notices how Kurt’s face goes from open and happy to shocked as his eyes (those beautiful blue eyes that haven’t changed in three years) settle on Blaine.

The pair stare at each other for a long moment. Blaine’s not sure if either of them are going to break the silence. Blaine’s not sure it’s his place to break the silence, but at the same time he’s honestly not sure how Kurt is going to react.

-- -- --

Those eyes. Those eyes that Kurt has tried not to think about for three years. Those eyes that first made him start to fall in love with Blaine before he even knew Blaine’s name, or even that what he was feeling was the beginnings of love. Those eyes are staring at him right now, from his father’s living room, and it feels like a punch to Kurt’s gut.

-- -- --

Blaine is sure his swallow is audible in the too quiet room. He feels his palms start to sweat as he and Kurt continue to stare at each other. Should he just...leave? He figures that would make things really awkward. Should he say something? But wouldn’t that be even more awkward than they are now? He could just leave and not come back.

The stairs creek to his right and Blaine realizes he had completely forgotten Bethany was here. He’d had this momentary plan to just flee and he would have left his little sister behind. Great parenting, Blaine.

Blaine doesn’t want to take his eyes off Kurt but he turns to find Bethany frozen on the bottom stair, eyes wide as she looks back and forth between Blaine and Kurt.

It’s a strange tableau and Blaine is transported back to three years ago when this would not have been a weird scenario. When Bethany would have run and jumped into Kurt’s arms and he would have laughed and hugged her back as he looked adoringly at Blaine.

The threesome are frozen for another long moment before Bethany breaks the awkward stillness. She shouts, ‘Kurt!’ and is across the hall and throwing her arms around the other man before Blaine’s eyes can fully focus on the movement.

He looks over to find Kurt looking momentarily shocked (he hasn’t really looked anything other than shocked since his eyes met Blaine’s) but his face is soon melting into a smile as he hugs the girl back, “Hi Annie.” He whispers and Blaine feels a shiver travel through him at the voice. That voice.

Blaine has just a moment to register the fact that Kurt had called Bethany ‘Annie’ - the only other person other than Blaine to have ever done that - before Bethany is pulling away and bouncing on her toes like the nine-year-old she was the last time Kurt saw her, “I’ve missed you!” She enthuses.

Kurt’s eyes flick over Bethany’s shoulder to Blaine’s before moving back to look down at Bethany, “I...missed you too.”

Blaine’s pretty sure he hadn’t imagined the hesitation in Kurt’s sentence. Was Kurt lying? He’s simultaneously grateful that Kurt would protect Bethany from the truth that he probably hadn’t thought much about her in three years, and indignant on her behalf that he probably *hadn’t* thought about her in three years.

“We should probably head home, Annie.” Blaine says, the first thing he’s said since Kurt entered the house, and he mentally pulls up short. That hadn’t been what he meant to say. He’s not sure WHAT exactly he’d meant to say, but suggesting that they leave hadn’t been it.

He’d thought a lot about what he would do if he ever saw Kurt again, thought about it even more since reconnecting with Burt and Carole in fact, but he’s now convinced he hadn’t actually thought it would happen. So now, when faced with the real Kurt in front of him, his only reaction is to leave.

Bethany turns to him with a pout. She turns back to Kurt, whose face is unreadable (Blaine wishes he could read it), and then back to Blaine, “But…” She starts, but Blaine shakes his head.

“We gotta go.” He says.

Bethany’s pouts turns into a scowl, before she’s huffing in that all too familiar way. She moves swiftly to grab her bag and then stalks out of the house without a word. Blaine sighs. So much for progress.

He turns back to Kurt who is looking at him, again with an unreadable expression, “I guess I’ll....bye.”

Blaine isn’t above saying he fled, leaving Kurt standing in the same position he’d been in for most of their interaction. He closes the front door behind him and walks swiftly to the car. Bethany is sitting in the front seat with her arms crossed and a deeper scowl on her face.

Blaine gets into the driver’s seat, does up his seatbelt, checks to make sure Bethany’s is done up and then goes through the motions of driving home.

It’s not until he’s in his parking spot at their apartment and Bethany has huffed her way out of the car that he realizes he doesn’t remember anything about their journey home and that his hands are shaking on the steering wheel.

Chapter Five

Blaine pinches the bridge of his nose after handing off a caramel mocha latte to the blonde lady in front of him. It’s been a long day, a long week, hell, a long few years.

After leaving (running from) the Hummel-Hudson house six days ago, Blaine has been avoiding - Burt, Carole, Finn, anyone associated with the Hummel-Hudsons. It’s not very mature of him, he knows, but he can’t seem to make himself answer the phone when Burt calls or even answer Bethany honestly when she’d asked about it.

“So Kurt’s back.” She’d said, nonchalantly, during breakfast the morning after they’d run into Kurt.

Blaine had let his fork drop on his plate with a loud clang. Bethany hadn’t spoken to him the night before, stalking to her room and slamming the door, “Can we not talk about this, Bethany?” He asked.

Bethany had pouted thoughtfully at him, “Why did we leave?”

“Because we needed to go.” Blaine answered shortly, “And Kurt didn’t need us there after just getting home.” At least that part hadn’t been a lie.

Bethany’s eyes had narrowed, “I wanted to see him.”

Blaine had closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again with a sigh, “Bethany, yesterday wasn’t the day for a reunion.”

“Then when can we spend time with Kurt?” Bethany had challenged.

Blaine squeezed his hand into a fist, “I don’t know.” Probably never, he’d thought.

Bethany all but growled, “You are such a loser!” She’d exploded.

Blaine’s eyes widened, “You do not speak to me that way.”

Blaine rolled her eyes, “Save it, Blaine.” And with that, she’d pushed up from her chair and left the room.

Blaine can count on one hand the number of words he and Bethany have shared over the last five days. He’d gone from thinking everything was getting better to it never being worse, and all he can think is that he has Kurt to thank for that.

He pulls the handle on the steamer harder than necessary at the thought and is scowling at it when he hears a throat clear from behind him. He turns, trying to school his features into something more customer service like, to find Kurt standing at the register. His arms are crossed and he’s got a sassy eyebrow quirked as he regards Blaine.

Blaine is shocked out of his momentary anger and his eyes flit around the room - is he searching for an exit?

“Can we talk?” Kurt asks, shortly. He seems angry. Why is *Kurt* angry? From Blaine’s perspective he has no right to be.

“I’m working.” Blaine answers, gesturing around the coffee shop with only two customers at the moment.

Kurt sighs, “When do you have your next break?”

Technically Blaine’s overdue for a break but the prospect of talking to Kurt makes his heart pound. They’re quiet for another moment until Kurt quirks another eyebrow and Blaine huffs, “Fine. I can take a break in ten minutes.”

Kurt nods and turns to walk to a table without another word. Blaine watches him go and, even though he’s angry, he can’t help but notice how good Kurt’s ass looks in his pants today.

-- -- --

“So, what’s up?” Blaine asks, as he sits heavily in the chair opposite Kurt fifteen minutes later. He’s not going to admit he stalled for an extra five minutes.

Kurt is sitting with one leg crossed over the other and his arms crossed tightly over his chest, “Why are you ignoring my dad?”

Blaine’s eyebrows shoot up. Out of all the things Kurt could have said, that wasn’t what Blaine had been expecting, “Ummmm…”

“He says you haven’t answered his calls all week. By Wednesday he was convinced you were dead.” Kurt rolls his eyes at this but then looks pointedly back at Blaine.

“I’ve been busy.” Blaine defends.

Kurt rolls his eyes again, “I just came to make sure you come to dinner tonight.”

“I…” Blaine starts but is interrupted.

“It would make Dad happy.” Kurt continues.

Blaine swallows and wrings his hands together, “Are we...going to be okay to be around each other?”

Kurt stares at him for a moment before sighing and looking away, “We’re adults, I think we can handle it.” He says, “And besides, I’m only home for a few weeks.”

Blaine nods and looks down at the floor, suddenly aware of how strange this conversation is. They’re being civil enough but it’s not *them*. There is a distance that, even before they really knew each other, wasn’t ever there. Blaine can’t decide if that distance is from three years apart, Blaine’s anger, or Kurt’s...Blaine’s not sure what Kurt is feeling. That in and of itself is strange. He had always felt like he could always tell what Kurt was feeling.

Kurt widens his eyes and shakes his head expectantly, “So? Are you guys going to come to dinner?”

Blaine swallows and nods, “Yeah, yeah we’ll come.”

Kurt nods, uncrosses his legs and rubs his hands down his thighs, “Good. I guess I’ll see you tonight.”

And then he’s up and gone. Blaine watches him go and thinks that agreeing may have not been a good idea.

-- -- --

By the time Kurt makes it to his car and closes the driver’s side door, he can’t keep a handle on his shaky hands anymore. It had felt like a Herculean task to keep them from shaking all the way through his conversation with Blaine. He’d had to leave as soon as possible to keep Blaine from noticing.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, massaging the centre of his chest at the pain he feels there. He can do this. He can be around his ex-boyfriend one night a week while he’s home. That should be easy. Kurt’s moved on. He’s got Quintin. Nice, sweet, complimentary, Quintin. Kurt blinks his eyes open and looks at the clock, realizing just now he’d told Quintin he’d text when he got to Lima and hadn’t.

He picks up his phone with less shaky fingers and thumbs open his messenger app. He gives a small smile at the last text Quintin had sent;

Quintin

Say hi to your dad! I know we’ve never met but...it’s nice to be nice!

Quintin is nice. Quintin is lovely. Quintin is who Kurt is with now. He hasn’t been with Blaine for three years, and beyond the potential awkwardness of ‘you were the first boy to see me naked and touch my body’, there shouldn’t be anything strange between them.

He’s sure Blaine’s moved on too.

-- -- --

Blaine gives a shaky laugh at the joke Finn just told. It’s after dinner and the entire Hummel-Hudson family, along with Bethany and Blaine, are sitting in Burt and Carole’s living room talking.

Blaine is surprised by how well the evening has gone. He attributes a lot of that to the fact that he and Kurt have stayed pretty far away from each other all night. Blaine hasn’t even really made eye contact with the other man outside of quick glances. It’s not exactly comfortable, but Blaine figures it’s definitely less awkward than what the alternative would be.

He could tell Kurt’s family hadn’t known how to act at first. Burt, Carole, and Finn had looked back and forth between Kurt and Blaine when he and Bethany had first arrived at the house, as if they were ticking time bombs, before Bethany had shot forward and hugged Kurt much like she had the afternoon Kurt got home. She hasn’t really left his side all night and Blaine’s not sure how to feel about that.

He chances another glance at Kurt to find the other man looking back. They stare at each other for a few beats before Kurt is pulled into a conversation with Finn, but as Blaine keeps watching, Kurt keeps flicking his eyes in Blaine’s direction.

Blaine pouts thoughtfully, trying to figure out what he’s feeling. Anger, definitely. He’s been angry for three years. Angry since he walked out of Kurt’s bedroom. He knows it’s not productive to be angry, and has spent three years trying to hide his anger (or let it go), but...he’s angry. And now, with Kurt sitting in front of him, he wants nothing more than to *just* be angry. Anger is a simpler emotion. But Blaine also finds himself feeling longing, heartache, and if his pulse has anything to say about it, lust.

God, what he wouldn’t give to just be angry.

“So, when do we get to meet Quintin?” Blaine is shaken from his thoughts by Finn’s voice and he turns to find Kurt looking at Finn with wide eyes - silently screaming at him.

The whole room goes silent, or at least it does to Blaine’s ears. Who’s Quintin?

“Who’s Quintin?” Bethany asks for him and Blaine both wants to know and doesn’t want to know in equal measure.

Kurt coughs, awkwardly, and his eyes flick to Blaine before he smiles at Bethany, “Just...a guy.”

Blaine feels like he’s been punched in the gut. It’s obvious Quintin is someone Kurt is seeing. Have they been dating long? Is it serious? Blaine feels nauseous.

He tries to shake himself out of it, like he’s been doing for three years with his anger (oh and hey look at that, he’s angry about this too), and when Kurt looks over at him with an unsure expression, Blaine tries to school his features into something neutral.

The way Kurt bites his lip makes Blaine think he wasn’t entirely successful.

“We should get going.” Blaine blurts suddenly. He’s got to stop fleeing, but today isn’t the day to quit cold turkey.

Bethany pouts and glares at him but doesn’t protest as she gets up to put her shoes on. She hugs everyone in the room, thanks Burt and Carole, and then walks out of the front door. Blaine hugs Carole and Burt, gives a small wave to Finn who looks a little like someone kicked his dog, and then tries to give a smile to Kurt. It’s more a wobbly grimace than anything else and he leaves without another word.

He sits next to Bethany in the car and looks over at her. She’s staring out the window, despondently, and Blaine sighs before turning the key in the ignition.

His brow furrows when nothing happens. He resets the key and tries to start the engine again, only to get the same result - nothing.

“What’s wrong with it?” Bethany asks.

Blaine sighs, “I don’t...know.” He mumbles as he tries the key again.

“I don’t think turning the key over and over again is going to solve the problem.” Bethany snarks and Blaine spares her an exasperated look before turning the key again, praying that this time the result will be different.

It’s not and he slumps forward to lay his head on the steering wheel. Of course. Of course this would happen now.

“I’ll be right back.” He says before getting out of the car and trudging back up the path to the front door.

He knocks and wrings his hands together while he waits. When Finn opens the door with a confused and then surprised expression, lit by the soft glow of light from the hallway, Blaine almost sighs in relief. Out of all the options to answer the door, this is the best one possible.

“My car won’t start.” He tells Finn without ceremony.

Finn pouts, “That’s not good.” He needlessly provides.

Blaine nods anyway, “Can you come take a look at it?”

Finn follows Blaine outside and pops the hood of the car. He pokes around for a moment, Blaine not really knowing what he’s looking for or if anything major is really wrong, before straightening with a sigh.

“It’s the starter.” Finn supplies and at Blaine’s confused shrug he clarifies, “It’s a part that starts the engine so it can run on its own without you having to do anything.”

Blaine nods with pseudo-understanding, “That sounds...important.”

Finn chuckles, “Well, your car isn’t getting home tonight, that’s for sure.”

Blaine squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, “Okay ummm, would you be able to drive us home?”

Finn frowns, “I’ve had too much to drink. Sorry. But maybe Burt or Carole?”

Blaine nods and follows Finn into the house after telling Bethany he’d be right back.

“Hey! Blaine’s starter is shot.” Finn calls through the house as they make their way to the dining room where everyone is tidying up.

Burt looks up from the plates he’s putting away with pursed lips, “It looked fine the other week.”

Finn shrugs, “Well it’s not fine now. Can one of you drive Blaine and Bethany home? Their car isn’t going anywhere tonight.”

Blaine notices Kurt sending him furtive glances as he arranges silverware, trying to pretend like he’s not paying attention to the conversation.

Burt clicks his tongue, “I’m afraid we both drank a little too much.” He says apologetically, “But…” He lets the word trail off as he turns to look at Kurt who is staring pointedly at a fork in his hand, “Kurt, you didn’t have anything to drink tonight.”

Kurt looks up with a smile that’s more a grimace, “No. I did not.”

Burt nods, “Then could you drive Blaine and Bethany home? I’ll get your car to the shop tomorrow, Blaine.”

Blaine nods to say he heard Burt but is too busy watching Kurt to make any real effort. Kurt is fidgeting with the silverware with fluttering hands and he hasn’t looked at Blaine.

“I would really appreciate the ride home.” Blaine whispers.

Kurt nods, looking up at Blaine with the same awkward smile as before, “Yeah, sure. No problem.”

-- -- --

Bethany talks the entire way home, for which Blaine is eternally grateful. She rambles on about school and her friends and soccer, and Blaine and Kurt don’t have to speak at all (to her or each other). They do keep glancing sideways at one another and Blaine has a fleeting thought that if this keeps up, his eyes are going to permanently shift sideways. The thought makes him chuckle out of the blue and Kurt sends him a bemused look while Bethany keeps talking.

When they pull up in front of Blaine and Bethany’s apartment, Blaine silently sighs - relieved. Until…

“Hey Kurt! You should come up and see my new trophies!” Bethany exclaims from the back seat.

Blaine holds his breath while he looks at Bethany and then back at Kurt. He watches as Kurt looks quickly at him before smiling at Bethany and Blaine’s not sure if he wants Kurt to accept or decline.

“Umm, sure, Bethany. If that’s alright?” He directs the question at Blaine, who nods reflexively.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Blaine whispers.

Blaine isn’t sure why he feels like his skin is on fire as Kurt follows them into the building and into the elevator. They settle next to each other and Blaine is acutely aware of Kurt’s body heat next to him. He fidgets and hopes Kurt doesn’t notice but he knows Bethany notices as she keeps shooting him weird looks.

The trio is silent as they make their way into the apartment, but then Bethany is all chatter again as she drags Kurt to her bedroom to show him her soccer trophies. Blaine takes a deep breath when they’re gone. He hadn’t expected to have Kurt in his apartment ever again, and he’s even more confused by his body’s reaction to that fact. He tries to find something to busy himself with, but rearranging the books on the coffee table really isn’t doing anything to help calm his nerves.

Ten minutes later, Kurt and Bethany emerge from her room.

“I asked Kurt to watch a movie with us!” Bethany enthuses, and by Kurt’s bewildered expression, Blaine’s pretty sure it wasn’t so much an ask as it was a demand.

“I’m sure Kurt has other things he needs to be doing tonight.” Blaine tries, even though his heart hammers in his chest betraying what his logical mind is telling him what needs to happen.

Kurt coughs, “No, it’s cool. That would be...cool.”

They settle in to watch The Greatest Showman, Bethany curled up on the chair which leaves Blaine and Kurt to sit together on the couch. They leave a large space between themselves, and Blaine tries hard not to keep looking at the other man.

Twenty minutes into the movie, Bethany yawns with a large stretch, “You know what? I’m pretty tired. I’m going to head to bed. Night Blaine. Night Kurt.”

And she’s gone.

Blaine watches her go with wide eyes before looking over at Kurt, who is looking at him, and laughing awkwardly. He coughs and shifts, “So, um, you don’t have to stay…”

Kurt blinks at him, “Do you...want me to go?” He says, a slight blush colouring his cheeks.

Blaine is shocked by how much he doesn’t want Kurt to leave. He shakes his head, “No.” He whispers, colour rising on his own cheeks.

It’s only when Kurt’s fingers curl over Blaine’s that Blaine realizes how close they’ve become. When did that happen?

Chapter Six

Kurt has no idea what he’s doing. He has no idea why he agreed to come up to the apartment. He has no idea why he agreed to stay when Bethany asked (told) him to stay for a movie. He has no idea why he’s currently holding Blaine’s hand.

All he knows is that if Blaine doesn’t kiss him in the next minute, he will spontaneously combust.

-- -- --

Blaine searches Kurt eyes, trying to find the answers to the million plus questions and uncertainties swirling in his own head. He doesn’t find much in ways of answers, but he does find a desire he hasn’t seen in three years (from Kurt or from anyone).

He lunges forward before he can overthink it too much and catches Kurt’s lips in a kiss. He almost immediately feels a push as Kurt growls and kisses back. Blaine feels a rush of heat up his spine at the feeling and sound.

He grabs Kurt’s shirt in both of his fists and thrills at the squeak Kurt makes when he pulls him up to stand. They kiss down the hallway and tumble into Blaine’s bedroom.

Blaine has a fleeting moment to thank a higher power he doesn’t really believe in that he cleaned his room that morning before he’s pushed back onto the bed.

He shuffles backwards as Kurt crawls over him and kissing horizontally is so, so much better.

He tugs Kurt’s shirt over his head and feels Kurt respond in kind. Their lips barely separate either time and as they both fumble for the other’s belt, button, and zipper Kurt kisses along Blaine’s jaw.

Blaine pants at the ceiling as Kurt pushes his pants as far down as he can before Blaine uses his feet to take them the rest of the way off. Kurt’s are gone a moment later. When Kurt lowers himself the only thing separating them are two thin boxers and Blaine realizes this is going to be over embarrassingly fast.

He hasn’t slept with anyone in three years, so he’s a little out of practice, but it’s clear by Kurt’s sure fingers, that this isn’t Kurt’s ‘first time’ in three years.

All conscious thought goes out the window, however, as Kurt pushes inside. Blaine exists only in nerves and low moans. He feels like every bit of him is alive, and when he opens his eyes (that he hadn’t realized he’d closed), he’s hit with an image of Kurt moving above him. It’s this image that carries him over the edge and his vision whites out at the corners as he comes.

Kurt follows a few thrusts later. They rock gently for a few minutes, their heavy breathing the only noise in the room, before Kurt pulls out and flops onto the bed next to Blaine. Blaine rolls his head on the pillow to look at Kurt, eyelashes spread across his cheeks, before his eyes are sliding shut and sleep pulls him under.

-- -- --

Blaine feels the bed shift and grunts awake. He brings a hand to rub his eyes and tries to let them adjust to the dim light of his bedroom. Now that he’s awake he’s not entirely sure what woke him. He squints into the darkness until he hears shuffling to his right and turns to find Kurt pulling on his pants.

It’s almost completely dark in the room but Kurt’s pale skin seems to glow in the low moonlight streaming in from outside. Blaine blinks as he watches Kurt pull on his pants, “You’re leaving?”

He had whispered it but Kurt still jumps, turning around with his hands at his fly. He chuckles almost self-consciously, “Ummm yeah, I was going to head out.”

Blaine pushes up to sit against the headboard, “You don’t...have too.” He says softly.

He’s not really sure how to act right now. How does one act after sleeping with their ex-boyfriend who they haven’t seen in three years and are still mad at? Not to mention his ex-boyfriend who is maybe seeing someone else?

Kurt almost seems to wince, “It’s probably best. I don’t think Bethany should see me here.”

Bethany. Oh. Right.

Blaine nods, “You’re right.”

Kurt nods back and the pair stare at each other silently for a few moments. Blaine wishes he could read Kurt’s mind. Does he regret what they did? Is he leaving not only for Bethany’s sake but because he regrets having slept with Blaine?

Does Blaine regret what they did?

“So, I’m just gonna...go.” Kurt says, gesturing toward the door.

Blaine nods again, “Okay.”

Kurt nods (and Blaine is struck by how much nodding is happening between them), before he’s tugging on his shirt over his head and heading to Blaine’s bedroom door, “I’ll talk to you later?”

Blaine presses his lips together to keep from nodding again, “Yeah.” He says, and then Kurt is gone.

Blaine lets his head fall back against the headboard with a thud. Just when he thought his life couldn’t get more complicated…

-- -- --

Kurt gets as far as the door two down from Blaine’s apartment before he leans against the wall and lets his head hit the plaster with an audible thunk. He closes his eyes and runs a shaky hand over his face.

What the hell did he just do? What the hell did they just do?

Did he want it?

Of course he wanted it.

But they shouldn’t have.

Right?

Kurt’s head throbs. He’s not sure what to think. It’s not like he hasn’t regretted his break up with Blaine since it happened three years ago, and it’s not like he hasn’t dreamt of that happening over and over again since, it’s just...no, they shouldn’t have done that.

Kurt’s cell phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out only to close his eyes at the name on the screen.

Did he just cheat on Quintin?

Fighting back a wave of nausea, Kurt pockets his phone and marches down the hallway to the elevator. He doesn’t have the energy to think about all of this right now. So he’s going to do what he does best in these situations - avoid...and eat. He’s sure he can convince Finn to go out for breakfast with him. The distraction will be good...

...until he can figure out what the fuck he’s feeling or what the fuck he just did or didn’t do.

-- -- --

Blaine waits in bed for another twenty minutes before getting out of bed. He puts it off as long as possible but he can hear Bethany moving around the apartment and knows he’s got to get her to school and himself to work. Once again, he doesn’t have the luxury to dwell.

He throws on a pair of jeans, a hoodie, and his glasses (he has no interest in futzing with his contacts at the moment). He checks his appearance in the mirror and sighs at the riot of curls he finds. He uses his hands to try and tame them but doesn’t have the energy to make any real effort. He sighs again and makes his way out into the living room.

Bethany’s on the couch with a bowl of cereal at her chest. She’s flipping through television channels and only spares Blaine a second’s glance before she looks back at the television, “Morning.” She says, simply.

“Morning.” Blaine says softly, moving to the coffee machine and hitting start. He pulls a mug from the cupboard and then leans his hands on the counter to wait for his coffee to brew.

He’s used to not speaking much in the morning with Bethany. They have an almost silent routine perfected, and while Blaine misses the mornings Bethany would chatter away and ask a million questions, he’s gotten used to her quiet apathy.

“So what time did Kurt leave?” One of Blaine’s hands slips from where he’s leaning against the counter and he has to catch himself quickly before he takes a header into the granite. Once he rights himself he turns to find Bethany watching him with a quirked eyebrow. He coughs and fidgets with his coffee mug.

“Ummm…” He starts. Words, Blaine. Use them. He chides himself.

“I’m...assuming it was after the movie?” Bethany asks, still looking at him like he’s lost his mind. Maybe he has.

Blaine coughs again and nods, “Yeah, yeah. He stayed to finish watching the movie and then went home.” He silently thanks his sister for the out.

Bethany nods, “Cool. It’s cool he’s home.”

Blaine looks over at her, “Yeah?”

Bethany gives him a ‘duh’ face, “Of course. You don’t think so?”

That’s a loaded question if he’s ever heard one. On the one hand, yes. It is ‘cool’ that Kurt is home. Blaine has thought about Kurt a lot over the past three years and has missed him terribly despite being angry with him. But on the other hand, it’s awkward as hell and he went and made it more awkward by sleeping with Kurt. Kurt, who has clearly moved on from him and is dating someone else.

Did Blaine make Kurt cheat on his boyfriend? Blaine feels slightly nauseous at the thought.

Bethany gives him another incredulous look at his silence and he coughs for a third time and nods, “Yeah, yeah it��s cool.”

Bethany nods slowly before turning back to the television and Blaine counts how many more times he’s going to have to see Kurt while he’s home. Hopefully not many.

Even though his heart clenches at that thought.

Chapter Seven

Blaine’s at work two days later, and as he smiles at the hulking man who just ordered a unicorn frappuccino (he’s not here to judge people) and gestures to his left for the man to pick up his drink, he turns to his next customer to find one Burt Hummel approaching.

Blaine swallows thickly. Burt’s never come to his work before, and while under normal circumstances this would be a welcome visit, Blaine is suddenly bombarded with images of Kurt in his bed and he is instantly fidgety. It doesn’t help that Burt looks...angry?

“Hey!” Blaine says, overly bright.

Burt lifts an eyebrow, “Hey. Can we talk? Do you have a break soon?”

Blaine nods, again trying not to let images of Kurt asking him a similar question last week come into his brain, “Yeah, just let me tell my boss. Do you want something to drink?”

Burt looks up at the board above Blaine’s head with a scowl, “I’ve never understood the need for all these crazy drinks.” He mumbles.

Blaine laughs softly, “I can get you a regular drip?”

Burt nods and smiles for the first time since the conversation started, “If you could add some grease fumes in there, it would taste like normal.” He winks as Blaine chuckles and then moves to find a seat while Blaine goes to make his drink and inform Lauren he’s taking a break.

-- -- --

“So, what’s up?” Blaine asks, trying for nonchalance as he sets a cup of black coffee in front of Burt, sits down opposite him and takes a sip of his own.

Burt picks up his cup and nods in thanks before sighing. He’s quiet for a moment and Blaine’s about to ask what’s wrong before Burt leans forward, brings his hand up, and lightly smacks the back of Blaine’s head.

“Ow!” Blaine exclaims even though it didn’t really hurt. He brings a hand up to the spot anyway and rubs as he gives Burt an incredulous look, “What was that for?”

“That was for whatever happened that made my son creep into my house at 5 am the other morning looking like he’d done a lot more than sleep in another bed.” Burt says pointedly.

Blaine’s cheeks flare red and he looks down at the floor. Oh.

Burt sighs, “Have you at least talked to him since?”

Blaine shakes his head. Despite agreeing with Kurt that he’d ‘talk to him later’, he hadn’t really thought ‘later’ would come.

Burt shakes his head, “You are both idiots.” There’s affection in his voice but Blaine still feels chastised.

He sits up a little straighter, “Why did you come to me about this? Did you talk to Kurt?”

Burt rolls his eyes, “I love my son but Kurt is so deep into avoidance, I’m sure he’d deny even knowing who you are at this point. I thought I’d have a better shot talking some sense into you.”

Blaine shifts, awkwardly, “I really think you should talk to your son.”

Burt lifts his eyebrows, “I am.” Blaine does a double take and Burt sighs, “When are you going to get it, Blaine? You’re my son. I care. I want the best for you. Including making you talk to my other son about...whatever is going on between you two.”

Blaine swallows and then lets a smile take over his face before trying to stifle it into his coffee cup. He sees Burt smirk and figures he didn’t hide his smile fast enough. He finds he’s okay with that.

The pair is quiet for a moment before Burt raises his eyebrows and shakes his head, “So...you gonna talk to Kurt?”

Blaine lets out a breath and sighs, “I’ll talk to Kurt.” He concedes, “Or...I’ll try.” He amends, and Burt nods knowingly, patting Blaine on the knee.

-- -- --

Blaine puts his talk with Kurt off until Friday. He’d actually like to blame indecision and nerves, but the truth is his life sort of blew up in the intervening five days.

A colleague at work quit suddenly so Blaine has worked more hours this week than he hasn’t. Because he’s been at work so much, Bethany had to spend a lot of the week doing homework at the coffee shop (complete with snarky comments and glares because she couldn’t be at home). Blaine’s also had two essays due (one of which he had to beg for an extension on) and a midterm exam (which he had to ask to take after the class because he’d been at work during class).

He hasn’t slept more than three hours at night for the past five nights and he’s had a headache for almost a complete day. Talking to Kurt had kind of fallen to the backburner. But it’s now Friday and as he and Bethany make their way to Burt and Carole’s for dinner, Blaine knows he’ll have to talk to Kurt tonight...and it’s now that indecision and nerves rear their ugly heads.

When he and Bethany get to the Hummel-Hudson’s, the only person there is Kurt. Of course. Blaine feels like the universe is just laughing at him at this point.

“Where is everyone?” Bethany asks as she makes herself at home on the couch.

“Dad and Finn got stuck at the garage. They should be home soon. Carole’s at the grocery store.” Kurt answers, softly, rubbing a hand up and down his arm as he looks at Bethany. He hasn’t looked at Blaine since they entered the house.

Blaine figures this is his moment to talk to Kurt, but his sluggish, over-tired, overworked, and nervous brain takes a second to get there. He blinks, owlishy, before looking up at Kurt, “Can we talk?”

Kurt startles and looks over. Blaine can see Bethany looking at him with wide eyes.

Kurt shifts awkwardly and looks for a moment like he’s going to refuse. But instead, he gives a jerky nod and then gestures out of the room. Blaine takes a deep breath before moving into the kitchen. He’s not exactly sure what he’s going to say but he knows he has to say something.

-- -- --

Kurt hesitates before following Blaine. He looks over at Bethany who quickly turns back to the television like she hadn’t been watching them. He swallows, turning to make his way down the hall toward the kitchen, and feels his chest tightening to the point where he has to bring a hand up to massage it to soothe the ache.

He furrows his brow as he tries to make sense of the feeling, and then it hits him. It’s his body’s reaction to seeing Blaine again. This has happened every time he’s seen or even heard Blaine’s name lately.

Maybe it’s hurt, or anger, or any number of negative feelings, but...maybe it’s not negative at all. He realizes with startling clarity that he hasn’t felt this feeling in almost three years. It’s as if his heart is literally trying to pop out of his chest and go to Blaine. It’s drawn to Blaine in a way it hasn’t been toward any other guy Kurt has dated since their breakup.

And as Kurt enters the kitchen to find Blaine sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the table top with a blank expression, he realizes just how much he wants Blaine back in his life. But does Blaine want him in his…?

-- -- --

Blaine hears more than sees Kurt enter the kitchen. He keeps his eyes trained on the table top (he’s not 100% sure he has the energy to look up even if he wanted to). He sees from his peripheral vision as Kurt settles slowly into a seat across from him. He’s moving slowly as if approaching a wild animal, and for some reason, Blaine finds this hilarious.

He’s laughing before he even really realizes it and when he finally looks up at Kurt, Kurt’s eyes are wide and his hands are frozen on the table in front of him.

Blaine keeps laughing, to the point where tears slide down his cheeks and he’s sure Kurt is close to calling 911 at his apparent hysteria. Blaine’s not sure where this is coming from, he’s not feeling jovial, but he is feeling...

“I am so done.” He says as his laughter peters out. Kurt eyes him warily. Blaine sighs as he runs a hand under his eyes to catch the few remaining tears clinging there, “I have been so...angry the last three years and now you’re here and we slept together and you’re with someone and my life is falling apart and I’m just so. Done.” He shrugs, “I don’t have it in me to be angry with you anymore. I just don’t.”

He definitely hadn’t meant to say any of that, but now that he has, he feels lighter somehow. He looks over at Kurt who is still looking at him warily and shrugs again, not really sure where to go from here.

Kurt is quiet for another moment before coughing, “Quintin and I aren’t exclusive.”

This makes Blaine laugh again, “Well, I guess that takes one thing off my list.”

Kurt swallows, “Do you regret...sleeping together?”

Blaine is taken aback by the question. Maybe not because of its content but because of Kurt’s demeanor. Kurt looks vulnerable. Blaine realizes he’s never seen Kurt this way. Not three years ago and definitely not any of the times he’s seen him in the last couple of weeks.

Blaine furrows his eyebrows, “No.” He answers, honestly, and he sees Kurt take a deep breath and then let it out with a nod, “Do you?”

Kurt shakes his head and looks into Blaine’s eyes, “No.”

Blaine nods, pressing his lips together, “Look,” He says with another heavy sigh, “My life is extremely complicated right now, and while I’m not angry anymore,” He shakes his head, “I don’t think I have it in me to be anything other than friends.”

Kurt swallows thickly and nods, “Of course. That makes sense.” He says, “Besides...I am kinda seeing someone.”

Blaine nods and ignores the way his heart tugs at the reminder. He really doesn’t have it in him to date anyone. And besides, Kurt clearly doesn’t want to fall back into a relationship with him either.

Friends though. Friends he can do. He wasn’t lying when he said he was done being angry. He wants Kurt’s friendship. He wants to be able to talk to him and lean on him and have him part of his, and Bethany’s, life again.

The pair smile across the table at one another - a calm, comfortableness has settled between them that hasn’t been there for three years. It’s...nice.

“So was ‘us’ the only thing bothering you? Or do you want to tell me what has you looking like you haven’t slept in days?” Kurt asks with a smirk after a few more moments of silence.

Blaine chuckles, “That’s a long story.”

“I’ve got time.” Kurt whispers softly and Blaine looks at him with tired eyes before nodding and venting to Kurt about his week until Burt and Carole come home.

Chapter Eight

Blaine’s life gets no less complicated as the week goes by, but he starts to trust Burt, and now that Kurt is back in his life, he begins to lean on them more and more.

He can’t put into words what it feels like to be able to talk to and confide in Kurt again. They see each other almost every day, usually because Kurt comes by the coffee shop while Blaine is working, and it feels like it did back when they first got together...complete with the flirting, which Blaine has to admit is amazing, if not confusing.

“You are a master whip creamer, did you know that?” Kurt says a week later while leaning his elbows on the counter at the coffee shop and Blaine uses a rag to wipe the counter after handing a drink to a woman on the other side.

Blaine chuckles, “Well, I did go to creamer school.” He turns and winks in the other man’s direction.

He notices Kurt’s eyes widen a little and colour rise in his cheeks ever so slightly. Blaine immediately chastises himself. He was the one who said they should be friends and he goes and winks at him? Idiot.

Kurt swallows and seems to shake himself out of his thoughts a moment later, “Well,” He says with a smile, “I’m sure you were top of your class.”

Blaine feels himself go warm, “It’s nothing compared to your famous buttercream flowers.” Blaine remembers the flowers Kurt created for Bethany’s birthday cake while they were together, they were magnificent.

Kurt puts a hand to his chest and affects a fake snooty expression, “You shouldn’t compare yourself to perfection.”

Blaine laughs at this and Kurt breaks his character to laugh back. They smile stupidly at each other for a moment longer before another customer comes to the counter.

Blaine shrugs apologetically before going to take the girl’s order. He can see Kurt out of the corner of his eye push up from the counter and look around briefly before letting his eyes settle back on Blaine. Blaine feels the weight of his stare and tries not to fidget under it.

They’re friends. They’re being friendly. They aren’t together and nor will they probably ever be together. Friends.

Blaine lets himself into his apartment later that night with a happy sigh. Kurt had hung around for most of his shift and he isn’t above saying he loved that.

“Blaine!” He hears called from the living room and sighs for a different reason. He shouldn’t have to brace himself to see his sister.

“What’s up?” He asks walking into the room. Bethany is sitting on the couch with a blanket around her despite the June warmth. Her long straight hair is pulled into two messy buns on the sides of her head. Blaine’s not sure if it’s her look or the fact that she just successfully survived an hour alone after being dropped off after soccer practice, but she seems...older. He’s momentarily taken aback by that thought.

She smiles at him. Wait. Smiles?

“I thought we could do that puzzle I got you for your birthday!” Bethany says.

Blaine almost does a double take. Who is this girl? She’s happy and she’s willingly offering to spend time with him doing an activity she doesn’t like...where did his bratty sister go?

His skepticism must show on his face because Bethany looks at him oddly, “What? Do I have something on my face?” She asks, self-consciously bringing a hand up to her face.

Blaine shakes himself out of it, “No, no. I’m just...tired. But doing that puzzle sounds great.”

Bethany smiles and nods, lifting off the top of the box as Blaine sits down next to her.

The pair spend a good two hours working on the elephant puzzle, laughing and talking. Blaine finds his chest expanding with happiness, and hope. How could it be that he fixes things with Kurt AND Bethany in the same week? He’s not that lucky. But as Bethany playfully punches him, laughing, for stealing a puzzle piece she was about to put in and putting it in himself, he can’t help but...hope.

-- -- --

Blaine is putting the last dish away when there’s a knock at the door. He pouts thoughtfully in its direction, wondering who it could be.

It’s almost midnight and Blaine has been alone since ten when Bethany had gone to bed. The final shock of their evening together had been when she’d hugged him around the neck and kissed his cheek before she left for her bedroom. Blaine is still confused by it, but incredibly grateful for her good mood. After she’d gone to bed Blaine had studied for a while before cleaning the kitchen.

He makes his way to the door, checking the clock to confirm that it is as late as he thinks it is. The clock blinks 11:49 back at him and he wonders if perhaps one of his neighbours is having an emergency.

There’s another knock on the door before Blaine can get to it and he pulls it open to find Kurt on the other side - his hand raised for the knock and his eyes wide.

“Oh!” Kurt says breathlessly, “I...thought you were asleep.”

Blaine is aware of Kurt’s gaze taking in his jeans and sweater, and lack of pajamas, and curses his body for heating up at the look.

“I was just cleaning the kitchen.” Blaine whispers, something about the late hour making it feel like whispering is required. Kurt nods but isn’t forthcoming with any more words, “Not that I’m not happy to see you but...how’d you get in without the buzzer?”

Kurt chuckles lightly, “You have very accomodating neighbours.”

Blaine nods in response. Kurt looks...nervous. He keeps fidgeting with the bag over his shoulder and looking down the hall as if expecting someone to come drag him away.

“Is everything okay?” Blaine asks.

Kurt’s eyes snap back to Blaine and they are momentarily quiet, Blaine’s question forgotten, as they stare at each other. Eventually Kurt shakes his head and smiles, “Yeah, everything’s fine I just...brought something and I thought we could…” He trails off and looks down the hall again.

Blaine’s brow furrows, looking down at Kurt’s bag, “Brought what and thought we could what?”

Kurt looks back at Blaine and Blaine notices a small smile brighten Kurt’s nervous face before Kurt pinches his lips together to try and quell it. The other man reaches into the bag at his hip and pulls out a red container.

Blaine tilts his head curiously before laughing, “Whipped cream?” He asks.

Kurt lifts his eyebrows, “I thought we could…”

Blaine’s laughter dies away and he looks curiously at Kurt before he catches on, “Oh!” He says, eyes wide.

Kurt shrugs, “I mean, I know we’re friends but there’s nothing in the rulebook that says friends can’t…”

Blaine should say no. No good can come from this...okay maybe *some* good can come from this. But they’re friends. This will only complicate things...but then Kurt bites his lip and looks coyly at Blaine, and Blaine is done for.

He reaches forward and pulls Kurt in by the front of his shirt. Kurt squeaks at the movement as Blaine pushes the door closed and kisses Kurt against it.

-- -- --

Blaine runs a finger over his stomach and laughs softly at the sticky residue there. He’s lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, and sighs as he sucks the sweetness, absently, off his finger.

“I think your whipped cream skills beat my flower skills.” Kurt sighs next to him.

Blaine smiles and looks over. Kurt is all long, smooth pale skin, ruffled hair and pink cheeks. He looks amazing and all Blaine can do is stare.

Kurt is leaning against the headboard and turns to look at Blaine with a lazy smile, “We make really good friends.”

Blaine chuckles at this before bringing his arm up to rest behind his head, “Do you think we should set up some...ground rules for this? If this is something that’s going to happen..regularly?” He’s not sure Kurt wants it to happen regularly. Blaine’s not sure if he himself wants it to be regular.

Kurt looks thoughtful, “Probably.” He agrees. He shifts to sit cross-legged facing Blaine, Blaine’s sheet over his lap, “Okay first, no sleepovers.”

Blaine nods, that makes sense, “And we can’t tell Bethany.” He adds.

Kurt nods, “I’d say we can’t tell my dad either, but I have a feeling it will be hard to keep from him.” Blaine shrugs and nods, “But I won’t actively try to tell him.” Blaine nods again. Kurt bites his lip, “We should probably agree that this ends when I go home?”

Home. Blaine takes a deep breath at the thought. Kurt doesn’t consider Ohio home anymore, which makes sense in a way, but something about the thought makes Blaine sad. Blaine is in Ohio and probably always will be. If Kurt doesn’t consider Ohio home anymore...any flicker of hope Blaine might have had for their relationship fizzles out. This is all he’ll ever get. And it’ll last…

“When do you go back?” Blaine asks.

Kurt licks his lips, “Two weeks.”

Blaine nods and looks back up at the ceiling. Two weeks. He’ll get two weeks and then Kurt will be back in New York with his life and his boyfriend, and Blaine will be here. Can he do this?

He shifts to look back at Kurt, “And you’re okay with doing this with your…” He can’t say it outloud, “back in New York.”

Kurt seems to understand what, or rather who, he’s talking about, “We aren’t exclusive.” He reiterates and Blaine nods, “I guess I should have asked, but do you...have...someone?”

Blaine wants to laugh at the question. Someone. He hasn’t had someone since Kurt. In any way, shape, or form.

He simply shakes his head and Kurt seems to let out a breath before nodding, “So, no sleepovers. No actively telling the people in our lives, and it ends in two weeks. Anything else?”

Blaine wants to tell Kurt he can’t do this. He shouldn’t do this. He hasn’t decided yet if he *can* do this but he’s already pretty sure this is going to end badly for him. But then he looks at Kurt, beautiful, first - and so far only - love of his life Kurt, and he decides he’ll take what he can get. He never stopped loving Kurt.

He just wishes Kurt hadn’t stopped loving him.

Blaine shakes his head, “I think that’s good for now.” He whispers.

Kurt nods and smiles, “All right. That works for me too.” His smile changes from happy to coy, “So I know I’m not sleeping over but...one more round?”

He’s taking what he’s offered and he’s not going to think about what happens in two weeks. He can do casual. He has to do casual if he wants this from Kurt.

He licks his lips and props himself up on his elbow, running a hand along Kurt’s thigh before tugging the sheet off his lap. Kurt’s smile grows as he stretches out to kiss Blaine back onto the bed and rolls on top of him.

Chapter Nine

Friends with benefits.

It’s not an arrangement Blaine ever thought he’d find himself in, but then again he didn’t think at fifteen he’d be the sole guardian of his seven-year-old sister. Life throws you curveballs and you either take a swing at them or get hit by them, and Blaine’s been hit by enough curveballs in the last three years that he’s decided to take a swing at this one.

Falling back into a sexual relationship with Kurt is incredibly easy. They fit together, they move well together, and chemistry has never been a problem with them. Most of their interactions now end with a panting, post-orgasmic, jumbles of limbs. And while Blaine had forgotten how exhausting frequent sex can be, he can’t deny how satisfying it is.

But then, Kurt will get up and get his clothes on. He’ll tweak one of Blaine’s toes playfully under the blanket. And then he’ll be gone (most of their trysts take place at Blaine’s house because it’s easier to hide them from Bethany than it is Burt).

It’s not that they don’t talk. Kurt still comes to hang out at the coffee shop for almost every one of Blaine’s shifts, and Blaine and Bethany still go over for Friday night dinner, but it’s all surface stuff. They talk about school, work, and family mostly. And they flirt. But it doesn’t feel like it did before. When they were dating. When they were potentially the most important people in each other’s lives. And they definitely don’t talk about why they are no longer a couple.

There’s a distance now that places them squarely in the ‘friends with benefits’ category but that also makes the whole arrangement a little less satisfying.

“How long do we have before Bethany gets dropped off from her study group?” Kurt asks on a Friday, a little over a week after they began this arrangement, already peeling Blaine out of his shirt.

“About an hour.” Blaine pants as he works on Kurt’s belt.

Kurt smirks, “Perfect.” He says. He pushes Blaine backwards and Blaine falls, bouncing on the bed. He waits for Kurt to crawl over him like he always does (like Blaine loves when he does) and isn’t disappointed after Kurt removes his own pants.

“Hey, do you want to just hang out after and you, me, and Bethany can head to your parent’s together?” Blaine asks, smoothing a hand up Kurt’s thigh.

Kurt kisses along Blaine’s throat, “Okay two things. One - never bring up Bethany or my parents while either of us has an erection.” Blaine chuckles lowly, “And two - sure.”

Blaine hums into the next kiss and surrenders to whatever Kurt wants.

They’re sitting on the couch watching TV an hour (and two orgasms) later, when Bethany gets home.

“Hey, so I asked Carole if I could stay over tonight and she said yes.” Bethany says as she makes her way into the apartment. She looks over at the couch and does a double take before smiling brightly, “Kurt!” She squeals, running over to hug him.

Kurt laughs, “Hey Annie. Good study group?”

Bethany shrugs and sits between the pair, “It was all right.” She looks at Blaine, “So can I stay over at Carole and Burt’s tonight?”

Blaine smiles at her and then looks over her head at Kurt who is looking at him with an eyebrow raised. With Bethany at Burt and Carole’s for the night, he and Kurt wouldn’t have to be quiet or sneaky…

“Sure, Annie.” He says, still looking at Kurt, who winks at him.

Bethany claps excitedly and then reaches for the remote, uncaring of what the boys were watching, to change the channel to MTV. Blaine doesn’t really notice, and he’s sure Kurt doesn’t either, as they continue to look at each other and think about all the possibilities for the night ahead.

-- -- --

“Hey Carole?” Bethany asks later that night as she and Carole sit playing crazy eights after Burt has gone to bed.

Carole ‘hmmm’s in response as she surveys her cards and the card currently on the table.

“How do you know you’re in a relationship?” Bethany asks.

Carole looks up from the table, back down at the table, and then up again sharply. She laughs softly, “Ummm why do you ask?”

Bethany shrugs, “Just curious.”

Carole looks at her for a moment before sighing, “Well, the easiest way to know you’re in a relationship is to talk about it. Ask questions. Communicate.”

Bethany nods, thoughtfully, “But what if there isn’t talking? Can you tell in other ways?”

Carole looks curiously at her, “I mean, I guess. But...why do you want to know?” She looks at Bethany with lifted brows, “Do you like someone at school?”

Bethany instantly recoils, “Ew. No. Every boy at my school is gross and immature.” She says.

Carole chuckles with a nod but then looks curious again, “Then I’m a little confused, sweetheart, about why you want to know about being in a relationship.”

Bethany sighs and wonders if she should mention anything. She hadn’t planned on saying anything, she was just...curious. She finally decides to just ask, “Are Kurt and my brother dating?”

Carole’s eyes widen in surprise, “I...don’t know. What makes you ask?”

Bethany sighs again, “Well, they’re spending so much time together and they’re always smiling and...I don’t know.”

Carole smiles, “Bethany, adult relationships can be complicated. They aren’t always so straightforward. Blaine and Kurt may be seeing each other again or they may just be friends. Unless you ask one of them, I don’t think you’re going to get a clear answer.”

Bethany slumps, “Oh. They could be just friends?”

Carole tilts her head, “That would make you sad?”

Bethany shakes her head, “No. I mean...I don’t know.” She shrugs

Carole reaches across the table and lays a hand on Bethany’s, “My suggestion is you talk to your brother if you’re really curious. From what I’ve seen, he and Kurt have been getting a lot closer lately but that doesn’t mean they’re dating.”

“I just…” Bethany shakes her head again, not really wanting to share her true thoughts.

Carole sighs, “If it makes you feel any better, boys can sometimes be very oblivious and not really understand what’s going on even in their own relationships. And in that relationship? You have two boys.”

Bethany giggles, “So you’re saying...boys are dumb?”

Carole laughs and pats Bethany’s hand, “Most of the time, yes. But don’t tell Burt, Finn, Kurt, or your brother that I said that.” She winks.

-- -- --

Blaine comes awake slowly to light streaming through the crack in the curtains and landing on his face. He blinks and shifts to get out of its path and stretches leisurely and notices how certain muscles twinge with the effort. He and Kurt had gotten a little...enthusiastic last night with the privacy.

He smiles into his pillow at the memory until he hears and feels movement beside him. The smile freezes on his face as Kurt grunts and shifts.

Rule number one had been no sleepovers.

“Mmmmm morning.” Kurt hums, sounding half asleep still, and Blaine feels his arms come around his waist. Blaine tries not to let Kurt’s gravelly voice and languid movements affect him.

“Kurt?” He asks. Kurt hums behind him, “It’s morning.”

It takes Kurt a second to get it, but Blaine can feel him tense when he does, “Oh.” He says into Blaine’s ear.

Blaine grimaces, “Yeah. I guess we...broke the rule.”

Blaine tries not to feel bereft when Kurt’s arm pulls back and he hears the other man shift again. He rolls around to find Kurt sitting on the edge of the bed, his straight back to Blaine.

“Sorry.” Kurt mumbles.

Blaine blinks, “It’s okay. I’m not mad.”

Kurt is silent for a moment before he reaches for his pants and starts pulling them on, “No, but it’s my fault. I fell asleep. I should have left...after. I’ll go now.”

Blaine sighs, he’s not sure where this strange energy is coming from, “You don’t have to. We could...have breakfast?”

Kurt gets up to do his pants up and turns to Blaine with a haughty expression, “Breakfast together? Don’t you think we’ve already crossed a line here? I think a little damage control is in order.”

Blaine feels a sinking sense of dread. He feels whatever small piece of Kurt he had slipping away. All because they fell asleep and he suggested they eat something?

“I gotta go.” Kurt says, tugging on his shirt.

Blaine’s about to stutter out some more words when the door of the apartment opens with a loud creak, “Hey Blaine!” Bethany calls into the apartment, “Carole dropped me off! I thought we could go to the mall together!”

Blaine looks at Kurt with wide eyes to find the other man looking at the door to the bedroom with equally wide eyes. There is no way this isn’t going to end in Bethany finding out something is going on. There is no story to spin that will make this look any better.

“Blaine?” She calls when there is no response, “You better not be sleeping, you lazy bum!” The insult is said with affection and Blaine has just enough time to feel joy over the easy way she teases him before panic sets in. She’s more than likely on her way to his room.

Kurt seems to figure this out a second after he does and his head snaps to the closet door just as the door to Blaine’s bedroom opens and they are officially out of time.

“Wake up, Bl…” The rest of his name dies on his sister’s lips as her eyes widen at the scene in front of her. Kurt is fully dressed beside the bed but his hair is a riot of bedhead and Blaine is still very much naked under the sheets.

“Bethany.” He says and her eyes land on him, “Can we have a moment?” He grimaces.

Bethany looks back and forth between them before nodding and moving to leave. As she closes the door, Blaine’s pretty sure he can see her smiling and he furrows his brow at that before Kurt is moving once again.

“Well, this is just great.” Kurt mumbles as he picks up his socks and tugs one on.

“I’ll talk to her.” Blaine says and Kurt rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, do that.” He says.

Blaine can understand Kurt being upset that Bethany saw what she saw, but the anger is confusing him.

Kurt straightens after putting on his other sock and pauses as he looks at Blaine, confused on the bed, “Bye.” He says shortly.

Blaine can do nothing but nod as Kurt makes his way out of the room and then out of the apartment, if he passes Bethany on the way out Blaine can’t hear any acknowledgement between the pair.

Blaine sighs and looks down at the sheets on his lap for a moment. He knows he has to go talk to Bethany but he’s not above saying he’s okay to stall as long as possible.

Eventually he figures if he doesn’t get up she’ll come looking for him so he makes his way out of bed and throws on some sweats. He’s not ready to talk to her but he figures he owes her an explanation.

-- -- --

Kurt makes it as far as the elevator before his legs won’t hold him up anymore. He hits the button for the lobby and then leans against the wall, sliding down until he’s sitting with his knees to his chest. He runs a hand down his face and then both hands through his messy hair.

What is he doing? What are they doing?

He feels like he can’t breath. He has spent the past two weeks pretending he’s not still head over heels in love with Blaine and it’s getting harder and harder to keep up the act.

When he woke up next to Blaine this morning he had felt the most amazing sense of calm. It had felt right. It had felt like it used to. And then Blaine had mentioned that they broke the rules and Kurt was reminded that Blaine will never again see him that way.

He’d set the no sleepover rule to protect himself and apparently for good reason. The first time they slip up, the first thing Blaine does is point it out, and then Bethany. God, Bethany had shown up and Kurt had wanted to throw up.

He has no idea what Blaine is going to say to Bethany but Kurt hadn’t wanted anyone to know because then they’d ask questions Kurt either couldn’t answer or couldn’t answer honestly. And for it to be Bethany of all people…

The elevator dings to indicate he’s reached the lobby. He’s peripherally glad no one had come into the elevator to witness his mini-meltdown and he gets up from the floor to walk out of the building.

He’s halfway to his car when his phone rings in his back pocket. He wonders, and hopes, briefly that it’s Blaine - asking him to come back so they can talk to Bethany together. But it’s not. It’s Quintin.

Kurt runs a hand over his mouth again and answers, “Hey.” He says with a shaky exhale.

“Hey you!” Quintin enthuses on the other end and Kurt feels a spike through his stomach. Quintin is so nice, and Kurt hasn’t even thought about him in a week.

“How’s it going?” Kurt asks as he continues his way to his car. He puts a hand to his stomach to try and quell his queasiness.

“Not bad. Just thought I’d see how being at home was going for you! I haven’t heard from you in a bit, must be busy and fun!” Quintin says.

Kurt swallows as he pulls open the door to his car and gets in. He leans his head against the headrest and takes a deep breath.

“Yeah, it’s been...good.” He says with another swallow.

Quintin pauses, “That sounds like the opposite of good.”

Kurt closes his eyes, “Look, Quintin, we’ve got to talk.”

-- -- --

Blaine slowly makes his way out of his bedroom and peeks into the living room where Bethany is sitting on the couch. He coughs to announce his presence and Bethany turns to him with a smile.

Blaine’s still not used to the smiles she so freely gives him lately, but this one seems particularly strange considering the circumstances.

“So…” He starts and then pauses.

“You and Kurt are back together!” Bethany shouts, even going as far as to put her hands up in a celebratory gesture.

Blaine chokes on his spit, “Ummmm no. No, we’re not.”

Bethany’s jubilant energy fades and her arms come down as her face crumbles into confusion, “You’re...not?” She asks.

Blaine sighs and makes his way over to sit on the couch, “We aren’t dating, Bethany. We’re just...friends.” He’s not even sure they’re that anymore though.

Bethany gives him an incredulous look, “Carole was right, boys *are* dumb.”

Blaine’s eyes widen in surprise before he sighs again, “Kurt and I are just friends. And in a week when he goes back to New York, we won’t see him much anymore.”

Blaine almost doesn’t get the words out. It’s a struggle to pull them from his vocal chords and his mouth tastes awful afterwards. Nothing about Kurt going back to New York, and leaving Blaine here in Ohio, makes him feel good right now.

Bethany looks at Blaine and then pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them. It looks to Blaine like she’s trying to make herself as small as possible.

“So when that happens,” She pauses and pushes some of her hair over her shoulder before continuing, “Are you going to go back to being sad?”

Blaine’s brow furrows, “What do you mean?”

Bethany gives him a sad smile, “I may be twelve but I’m not stupid. You’ve been...sad. For a long time. Ever since Kurt left the first time.”

Blaine blinks. He thought he’d hidden his sadness from his sister. He thought he’d kept that part of himself from her, thought it was his job to make sure she didn’t see it, and it turns out she had all along.

“I’m not sad.” He defends even though he knows it’s useless.

Bethany rolls her eyes, “I told you I’m not dumb, Blaine.”

And suddenly, things become a lot clearer to Blaine, “Is that why you’ve been so mad at me?”

Bethany huffs and smacks the couch next to her, “I just want you to be happy!” She yells, “You’re my brother. I love you so much and I just want you to be happy and you haven’t been and that’s made me angry. Just...be happy, damnit!”

Blaine is taken aback by the outburst. His first thought is to reprimand her for her language, but the scolding dies on his lips at her hard expression, as if she’s challenging him to try and reprimand her at the moment. So, instead, he thinks about the content of her speech.

Her anger toward him was because she could see how sad he was and didn’t know how to make it better. She just wanted him to be happy and he couldn’t do that for her. He’d let her down and that had made her angry.

“I’m so sorry.” He breathes, feeling out of breath as tears form in his eyes.

Bethany pulls her top lip in and looks at him with a pained expression, “I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to be happy.”

Blaine, honestly, doesn’t know how to do that. He’s been so focused on Bethany for the past three years, doing everything he could to make sure she was okay and taken care of, that he’s forgotten how to make himself happy. He’s been working, going to school, and taking care of Bethany since Kurt left the first time. He didn’t have time or energy to make friends let alone date. He’s been...stuck.

“And when Kurt came back and you started to hang out more you were starting to be like my old Blaine. But now I’m afraid you’re going to go back to being sad and I don’t want to be mad at you anymore.” Bethany continues and Blaine realizes she’s crying at the same time he realizes tears have begun to fall down his own cheeks.

Blaine is speechless. He literally doesn’t know what to say. He feels like the worst caregiver and human ever at this moment, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

He spends a few moments opening and closing his mouth like a fish before Bethany lunges forward and wraps her arms around his neck. She shuffles over so she’s sitting next to him and buries her face in his shoulder.

Blaine brings his arms up and circles them around her waist. He holds on as she cries into his shoulder and tries to think of what to say to make this better.

Chapter Ten

“More car trouble?” Burt asks, the next day, as Blaine makes his way into the garage where the older man is rearranging some tools.

Blaine smiles, sadly, and shakes his head as he hands Burt the coffee he brought for him. Burt accepts it with a nod of thanks and Blaine shoves his now free hand into his shorts pocket, “No. I came to talk.”

Burt nods, “I’m always available for that.” He says and gestures for Blaine to follow him back to the office.

Blaine follows slowly, looking around at the idle cars in varying stages of repair around him. He’s not one for vague metaphors but he’s suddenly hit with the fact that he’s like one of the cars in Burt’s garage. He just wonders in what stage of repair he’s in.

He chuckles at his own thoughts and Burt looks at him with a cocked head, “Just thought of something funny.” Blaine explains and Burt ‘ah’s as they sit across from each other in the small room.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Burt asks.

“Have you talked to Kurt?” Blaine asks.

“Not since he came home from your place yesterday.” Blaine looks over at Burt sharply. Burt sighs, “Of course I know.” Burt answers his unspoken question, “But I have a feeling your talk wasn’t as clarifying as it could have been?”

Blaine runs a hand over his face, “I don’t even know anymore, but that’s not really what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Burt shifts in his seat and nods, “Shoot.”

Blaine sighs, “Bethany and I had a talk yesterday and…” He sighs again, “I think I may be depressed?” Burt’s eyes widen slightly but he doesn’t say anything so Blaine continues, “She kept saying how sad I was, and I mean yeah I’ve been stressed since I was fifteen, hell even before I was fifteen, but these past three years have felt...different. I feel like I don’t have anything in my life, and I have no friends, and then Kurt came back and that whole thing happened and…” He can feel himself breathing faster and his heartbeat pick up in his chest.

Burt holds up a hand and it quiets Blaine’s speech, but not his heart rate, “Okay, slow down. Breathe.” Burt soothes and Blaine does just that. He takes a slow breath in and then out, and then in and out again. The pair is quiet for a minute or two as Blaine breathes, and slowly his heart starts to slow back to normal, “Good.” Burt finally says when he can see that Blaine has calmed, “Keep breathing.” He encourages. Blaine nods, “Now, I hear you and I understand.” Blaine nods again, “Have you ever thought about talking to someone?”

Blaine pauses. The thought had honestly never crossed his mind. His responsibility had been Bethany. His needs had always taken a back seat.

“You can’t take care of Bethany unless you’re taking care of yourself.” Burt says softly, “And I am here for you, and Carole is here for you. Hell, even Finn is here for you.” Blaine chuckles softly and Burt smiles, “But maybe talking to someone who is trained to help might be good?”

Blaine nods. That actually sounds like a really good idea and the reminder that Blaine has a support system makes him breathe a little easier.

Burt scrunches his nose slightly in a gesture of unease, “Now I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to say next, and I’m no professional but…”

“You think I should stop sleeping with Kurt.” Blaine says bluntly.

“Bingo.” Burt sighs, “At least for right now. You need to get yourself sorted before you’re ready to be with someone else.”

Blaine nods again. He knows Burt’s right. He just wishes it didn’t feel like his heart was being ripped from his chest.

-- -- --

He calls in sick to work on Monday, and after dropping Bethany off at a friend’s house, he drives to Burt and Carole’s, hoping Kurt will be the only one home.

When he pulls into the driveway he’s thankful to find only Kurt’s car there and he takes a deep breath as he makes his way to the front door.

He hesitates only a moment before knocking and it doesn’t take long for Kurt to answer. He’s wearing tight black jeans and a soft long sleeved shirt and Blaine hates how amazingly beautiful he looks with his hair flopping over his forehead.

“Hey.” He says.

“Hey.” Kurt answers, rubbing a hand up and down his arm, “Come in.” He says, gesturing into the house with his head.

Blaine follows him in and they silently make their way into the living room. Kurt sits down on the sofa while Blaine takes the chair and they fidget with their hands in their laps for a minute before Blaine sighs and figures he’ll start the conversation.

“I talked to Bethany.” He says.

“I broke up with Quintin.” Kurt answers and Blaine’s eyes widen at the admission. Kurt swallows and smoothes his hands down his thighs, “I didn’t mean to just blurt that out but...there it is.”

Blaine licks his lips and blinks, “When?” He asks for lack of anything better.

Kurt scrunches an eye shut, “After leaving your place on Saturday.” He answers.

Blaine nods and while this information shouldn’t change what he’s come here to say, it does make his heart speed up and his chest inflate with a hope he shouldn’t feel.

“But you obviously came here to say something and I just derailed the conversation so...back to you. You talked to Bethany?” Kurt asks.

Blaine takes a deep breath and nods, remembering what he wanted to say, “Yeah, I did. She...thought we were together.” He says, looking over at Kurt to see the other man inhale sharply, “I told her we weren’t.” He continues and watches as Kurt’s face becomes pained, “But we started talking about our relationship, Bethany’s and mine, and...I’ve got some stuff to fix.”

Kurt cocks his head curiously and Blaine gets a flash of Burt doing the same thing yesterday, noting briefly how similar father and son really are.

“I made some calls and I’m going to start seeing a therapist this week.” Kurt purses his lips in interest but let’s Blaine continue, “I think I’ve been so focussed on Bethany these past few years that I forgot how to take care of myself? And as it turns out, that was one of the main things hurting our relationship. I need some help figuring out a balance. Figuring out how to be me AND her guardian.” Kurt nods in understanding, and Blaine looks up at him through his lashes, “And I think to do that I have to narrow my focus. I have to only focus on me...and her.”

He waits to see Kurt’s reaction and is rewarded (though it doesn’t feel like a reward) with another pained expression from Kurt who slumps against the couch, “Oh.” He says softly.

“Things are just so complicated right now and I need to simplify them for a while, I think, and find a way to make everything work and…” Blaine begins to ramble but Kurt sits up straight and reaches for his hands, clasping them in his and causing Blaine to stop talking.

“Hey, no, you sound like you’re apologizing.” He says, “You have nothing to apologize for. I get it. I was just momentarily...disappointed.”

“Disappointed?” Blaine asks.

Kurt smiles, “I think you’re right that you need to narrow your focus and I am not what you should be focusing on right now, but...it’s always been you, Blaine.”

Blaine is breathless. He literally can’t breathe. Kurt looks up at him through his lashes with a smile, “I’m sorry if that complicates things more, and I promise to leave you to focus on what you need to focus on but maybe...when you’ve worked some stuff out...we could...talk?”

Blaine is nodding before Kurt even finishes the question and the other man laughs softly before cupping Blaine’s cheek in his and kissing him softly. It’s not the start of anything, but it feels like a promise.

Chapter Eleven

“The next person to say the words ‘composition’ has to take a shot and I will not hear another word to the contrary!” Blaine chuckles as Miles shouts louder than necessary to their group of five.

Miles is a guy from Blaine’s music theory class. Actually their entire group of five, sitting in a circular booth at the bar, is from Blaine’s music theory class. They’re a good group, if not a little more into shots than Blaine is, or can be.

“I think that’s my cue to call it a night.” He says and is instantly booed, “All right, all right, all right. I get it. I’m old.” He says.

Carrie, a blonde haired girl with glasses to his left, slings an arm around his shoulders, “You’re not old. You’re just responsible.” He doesn’t miss the way Miles tightens an imaginary tie around his neck as if that represents ‘responsible’.

“Well, either way, I have to be up early tomorrow to take Bethany to school before work. So I’ll leave you all to your shots.” Blaine says, sliding out of the booth and grabbing his jacket.

“We love you, Blaine. Come back to us!” Cruz is a drama major and it shows.

Blaine chuckles again, “I’ll see you all in class on Thursday.” He says and as he leaves he hears a shout of ‘Or for pool on Wednesday!’ He waves over his shoulder to let them know he’s heard them but continues to walk outside.

The cool November air bites at his skin and he pulls his jacket tighter around himself. He misses the warmth of summer but as he makes his way to his car, he can’t help but think about how different his life is from five months ago.

He’s...happy.

He takes a deep breath at the thought and lets it out in a puff of white vapor from his nostrils. As he watches the cloud dissipate, he’s reminded of Marko, one of his students’, assessment of cold breath.

“Winter makes us all dragons, Mr. Anderson!” The eight year old had enthused while he and Blaine had been waiting for his mother to come get him.

“How’s that, Marko?” Blaine had asked.

Marko breathed aggressively out of his nose and the white streams had shot down toward his chest, “Dragon breath!”

Blaine lets another stream of ‘dragon breath’ out as he gets to his car. One thing that’s different about his life? He quit his job at the coffee shop at the beginning of August and now works full time giving music lessons to kids. He’s not sure if it’s what he wants to do for the rest of his life, but as his therapist had said - at least it’s something he’s passionate about *now*. Making coffee had never been a passion. It had been a necessary job. But now he has both a job and a passion.

He’d also switched from business to music classes at the community college.

“I don’t think I can make a viable living with a music degree, especially from a community college in Ohio.” Blaine had said to his therapist, Diana, when she’d suggested it.

She’d shaken her head, “You are twenty-one, Blaine. Your main concern right now shouldn’t be what will make a viable career.” She’d held up her hand when he’d tried to protest, “I know you have Bethany, and it’s admirable that you want to do what’s best for her, but you are secure financially, correct?” Blaine had nodded, “Then take a chance, Blaine. Do what you *want* to do for a while instead of what you think you *should* do. You literally have your whole life to make a sensible decision, your early twenties isn’t necessarily that time. And there is nothing to say music can’t be a viable career.”

Blaine had disagreed with her general theory at first but had agreed to try taking one music course along with his business courses in September...and by mid-October he had transferred out of all of his business courses, except one, and opted into all music courses. They made him feel alive, and that was the feeling he’d been trying to chase.

Which is also why he now has what normal, well-adjusted people would call friends. Friends had been something Blaine felt he didn’t have the time or energy for, but with Diana’s encouragement, Blaine had reached out to a couple of people in his music theory class, and now he has a group of people he goes out with regularly and who are becoming, even after such a short time, a good group of friends.

As Blaine pulls into the parking lot of his building he takes another deep breath and lets it out. He’s got a lot of work still to do, but the lighter feeling in his chest as of late is something he wants to nurture.

He lets himself into the apartment as quietly as he can to find Carole sitting on the couch, raptly watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy on the television.

She looks up startled when he comes in and then laughs self-consciously and pauses the television, “There’s just been a plane crash. Things are tense.” She says.

Blaine chuckles, “Things are always tense on that show.”

Carole shrugs and gets up to hug Blaine to her. Blaine goes easily and takes the comfort she provides, “Bethany’s been in bed since eight and asleep since nine when I finally took away her iPad I didn’t realize she still had.” Blaine chuckles again, “Did you have a good night?”

Blaine nods, “Yeah, it was great. Thank you so much, Carole.”

Carole smiles, “Anytime, sweetheart. Though, I think next time it’ll be Burt who watches her. Apparently she’s teaching him how to use Twitter.”

“God help us all.” Blaine laughs and Carole laughs with him before kissing his cheek and seeing herself out.

Blaine turns off the television and flicks on a lamp that casts a soft glow on the apartment as he picks up a fallen blanket and straightens up a little before heading to bed.

He’s halfway down the hall when Bethany’s door opens and she leans out, “Hey.” He whispers as she looks at him bleary-eyed.

“When did you get home?” She asks.

“Not long ago. I’ve been home maybe ten minutes?” He guesses. She nods, “Did you need something?”

She shakes her head and looks at him with a squinted eye against the light of the hallway. Her open eye looks cloudy with sleep, “Did you have fun?” She asks.

Blaine smiles, “Yeah. I did.” He says.

Bethany nods, “Good.” She nods again, “Good.”

They’re quiet for a moment before Blaine smiles again, “You should head back to bed.” He says.

Bethany nods and then does something that even after five months still shocks Blaine slightly and causes his heart to grow in size every time. She shuffles forward and wraps her arms around his waist in a hug. He hugs her back and kisses the top of her head.

The thing that has made him the happiest over the past five months has been his relationship with his sister. They still squabble and fight, but the closeness and fondness that had been missing has returned. They hug more freely, laugh more heartily, and smile more easily with each other, and Blaine is forever thankful for the change.

“Night, big brother.” Bethany whispers as she shuffles back to her room.

“Night, Annie.” He whispers back and then her door is closed and he makes his way to his own room.

He changes into a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt and then sits on his bed to check his phone one last time. He’s got a text from Burt saying he forgot his Twitter password that Blaine decides he’ll answer in the morning as he chuckles and rolls his eyes fondly. He’s also got a text from Miles stating vehemently that Cruz was in fact the first one to say ‘composition’ but that everyone had vowed it had been Miles so he’d had to take an unjustified shot. Blaine laughs and rolls his eyes at this one too, texting back that the world is cruel sometimes.

There are no other new texts or emails on his phone so he’s got nothing left to do but to do the same thing he does every time he goes to bed lately. He flips to his contacts and lets his thumb hover over Kurt’s name in the list.

He hasn’t pressed the button once since Kurt left to go back to New York at the end of June, and Kurt hasn’t tried to contact him either, but that hasn’t stopped him from wanting to every night.

He constantly wonders what Kurt is up to, how his life in New York is going, and how often he may be thinking of Blaine. He does ask Burt how Kurt is doing and Burt always says that Kurt is doing fine and gives him updates on his classes and other things, but it’s never enough and Blaine feels like he’s thirsty for Kurt information. Thirsty for Kurt himself.

He sighs and lets his thumb fall away from his phone, like he’s also done every night for five months. Maybe one day soon he’ll press the connect button. He thinks he’s almost ready.

Chapter Twelve

Kurt is bored. There is no way around it. He doesn’t want to hear another word about fashion marketing. He wants to go home and sleep, or eat some cheesecake, or go out for coffee with Rachel. Really anything would beat his current situation.

Kurt loves school. He really does. But he’s getting a little bit of senior-itis at the moment. It’s his last year of school and he’s kind of done with the whole thing. He wants to be graduated and starting the next phase of his life. And while he doesn’t know exactly what the next phase of his life is going to look like, he finds thinking about it exciting...as opposed to whatever it is his professor is droning on about. He is not excited about that right now.

Finally, mercifully, his class is dismissed and he packs his bag and puts his jacket on, already texting Rachel to see if she’s free for coffee.

His attention is on his phone as he exits the NYU building and he doesn’t notice until too late when his body collides with another at the bottom of the stairs.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” He apologizes, instantly.

He looks up to make eye contact with who he hit, and his breath instantly catches in his throat. Those eyes, those eyes that he would know anywhere at anytime no matter how long it’s been since he’s seen them in person (five months, three weeks, and six days - but who’s counting?) are currently staring back at him.

Attached to those eyes is a smiling mouth, but that’s all Kurt gets a chance to catalogue before he’s being ‘attacked’ by a set of arms around his throat, “Kurt!”

Kurt chuckles in both confusion and delight as he brings his arms up around Bethany, “Hey Annie!” He says, still looking at Blaine who is still looking at him with a smile, his chin slightly obscured by a soft looking scarf wrapped around his neck and inside the blue winter jacket he’s wearing.

“We wanted to surprise you!” Bethany says as she lets him go and moves to stand back next to Blaine.

Kurt chuckles, “Well, I’m definitely surprised.”

Blaine chuckles as well, “Do you...have time for a walk? A coffee?” He asks.

Kurt nods, “Yeah, just let me text Rachel quickly. We were going to meet for coffee.”

“Oh, don’t let us change your plans.” Blaine says, but Kurt waves him off.

“It’s no big deal. I’m...so happy you’re here.” He says for lack of any other articulate way of telling Blaine how amazing it is that he’s standing here now.

Blaine nods and smiles as Kurt quickly texts Rachel that he won’t be able to make it after all and then the trio begin to make their way through the streets toward Washington Square Park.

-- -- --

Blaine had debated whether this was a good idea. Well, debated and talked to Diana and Burt and Carole about it ad nauseum. But when all three of them confirmed that this was a good, if not great idea, he’d decided to just go for it. He’d made arrangements, told Bethany’s school she’d be out for a few days, postponed his lessons, and here they are. In New York City. Keeping the visit a surprise from Kurt had been a debate in and of itself, but Blaine had breathed a little easier at the look on Kurt’s face when he’d seen them.

“So, what brings you to New York?” Kurt asks as they walk the park with their coffees (hot chocolate for Bethany).

“Uhhhh a lot of things actually.” Blaine says, not sure where or how to start. He should have rehearsed what he wanted to say.

Kurt nods, “Well, I meant what I said, I’m really happy you guys are here.”

Blaine smiles, “We’re happy to be here, too.”

Bethany turns around from where she’d been walking in front of them a little ways and nods at them, confirming her own happiness. Blaine gives her a look and she nods again and smiles at him before pulling out her earbuds and sticking them in her ears. She continues to walk ahead and take in the sights around her, but Blaine knows she can’t hear them and he’s thankful to her for the privacy.

Kurt doesn’t seem to notice the exchange, and as Blaine turns back to look at him he can tell Kurt is trying to act calm and natural but he also knows that this must be more than a little shocking to Kurt after almost six months of no contact.

He owes Kurt an explanation, he’s just not sure how to order that explanation. Again, he berates himself for not planning a speech.

“Did your Dad tell you I started taking music at school?” He starts and Kurt startles slightly at the abruptness.

He seems to recover quickly though, nodding his head, “He did. He also told me you’re teaching music to kids?”

Blaine nods, “Yeah. It’s amazing. Watching them finally figure out a piece or understand music theory? It’s great.”

Kurt smiles, “That’s amazing.” He says.

Blaine nods and takes a deep breath, “That actually...is part of the reason why we’re here.” He gestures forward to Bethany, who is currently dancing as she walks to the music in her ears, and he pauses a moment to smile at his sister’s back.

Kurt furrows his brow, “Oh?” He asks.

Blaine takes another deep breath, “Yeah. I’ve, uh, switched my major to music and after talking with Bethany and my therapist...and Burt and Carole...I’ve...applied to NYU for the spring semester.”

Kurt stops walking.

Blaine walks ahead of him a few steps before doubling back. He keeps an eye on Bethany as she, too, stops and looks at the art from a vendor further up, but his main attention is on Kurt who looks like a deer caught in headlights.

“Kurt? Are you okay?” Blaine asks.

Kurt seems to shakes himself out of his trance and looks to Blaine, “You...you what?”

“I applied to NYU for the spring semester.” Blaine reiterates, “And...I was accepted.”

Kurt blinks at him, owlishly, and Blaine wonders if he somehow broke Kurt’s brain, or if Kurt is so against the idea that he’s speechless.

“And while this doesn’t necessarily have to have anything to do with you.” Blaine continues, “I...wanted to let you know in case…” He trails off and Kurt looks at him with wide eyes.

“In case what?” He asks breathlessly.

“In case you WANTED it to have something to do with you.” Blaine finishes lamely.

Kurt swallows, “I need to sit down.” He says.

Blaine immediately looks around for a bench but Kurt shakes his head, “Not here. Can we...go back to my place? I need to be warm and in a comfy chair.”

Blaine nods, “Of course.” He says. He gestures to Bethany who walks over to them, pulling her earbuds out.

“We’re going to head to Kurt’s for a bit.” He tells her and she nods, her eyes flickering to Kurt’s silent white face every few seconds. Blaine turns to Kurt who is staring off into the middle distance, “You’re going to have to lead the way.” Blaine says and Kurt once again shakes himself out of whatever stupor he’s in, nods and leads the pair to the street where he hails a cab.

Blaine wishes he could read how Kurt is feeling but he’s lost and the entire way to Kurt’s apartment he tries to brace himself for this going badly.

He tries to remind himself that he doesn’t need Kurt to be happy. That he is whole and worthy of happiness all on his own, but he can’t help but feel like Kurt’s refusal would be a blow to the progress he’s made.

He tries to be present in the moment though, like Diana had taught him, and looks out the window with Bethany as they slowly make their way through traffic.

-- -- --

Kurt’s apartment is small but perfectly Kurt. It’s furnished with eclectic furniture and the colour pallete is deep and warm. Blaine unwinds his scarf and takes off his jacket, handing it to Kurt to put away as he takes in the pictures on Kurt’s wall.

His breath catches when he sees a picture of himself, Kurt, and Bethany from their senior year. It had been taken at an ice rink around Christmas time and Bethany had been standing between the pair with her arms wrapped around each of them. All three have huge smiles on their faces. Blaine feels his heart warm at the fact that Kurt would have such a picture in his home and he feels hope begin to build once again.

“Bethany, why don’t you take my laptop and watch Netflix in my room?” Kurt says, handing her the device and she goes without complaint, smiling at the pair before disappearing into the room Kurt indicates.

Kurt gestures for Blaine to take a seat on the couch and he takes it while Kurt sits on the other side. They look at each other and then away, a sudden nervous, awkward energy around them.

“So...tell me again?” Kurt asks eventually.

Blaine recounts his decision to apply to NYU after deciding it’s where he felt he and Bethany would get the most benefit. He tells Kurt about how moving near the end of Bethany’s eighth grade year wasn’t ideal but she’d start high school in New York so it was as close to perfect timing as they could get. He tells Kurt that while Kurt was one of the reasons they’d decided on New York he wasn’t the ONLY reason and how that, according to his therapist, was an important factor in this being the right decision.

“So what I’m saying,” Blaine says finally after explaining himself, “is that I’m ready to give us a try. If you still are, I mean.”

He’s done a lot of talking. And Kurt’s done a lot of listening. But now Blaine stops and looks expectantly at Kurt.

Kurt is looking back at him with a partially shell-shocked expression, and Blaine has to force himself not to keep rambling. He wants to give Kurt the chance to think about this. For all Blaine knows, Kurt is seeing someone else, and while that would hurt, Blaine knows he’ll be okay. He’d like Kurt in his life and if the only way he can get him is friendship...he’ll be okay.

Kurt is quiet for so long that Blaine starts to feel slightly awkward. He starts to think maybe he should suggest he and Bethany leave and let Kurt think about it on his own, until Kurt once again shakes himself from his thoughts and turns to look at Blaine.

“I am so sorry.” He says.

Blaine furrows his brow. Sorry? For what?

But before he can ask, Kurt is continuing, “I am so sorry for how we broke up.” Blaine inhales sharply, “I was dumb and selfish and *such* an idiot and you did not deserve that.”

“It’s…” Blaine starts but Kurt interrupts him with a wave of his hand.

“No, it’s not okay.” He says, “I...have spent the last three years trying to tell myself you’d never take me back and that I was over you but...I was never over you.”

“So, what are you saying?” Blaine asks, breathlessly.

Kurt reaches forward and takes his hand, “I’m saying that I’m sorry and that if you’ll have me...I would love to make up for lost time and love you the way I should have all those years ago.”

Blaine feels tears pool in his eyes and he can’t seem to catch his breath. He had prepared himself for this not ending well. He hadn’t prepared himself for this.

“So...will you have me?” Kurt asks.

Blaine looks deep into Kurt’s eyes, eyes he’s loved longer than he’s known Kurt’s name, and smiles, “Of course. If you’ll have me...well...us.” He says, gesturing to Kurt’s bedroom door behind which Bethany sits.

Kurt lets out a wet laugh and pulls Blaine to him, “For as long as you’ll let me.” He whispers before sealing his mouth to Blaine’s in a kiss.

Blaine’s last thought before he can focus on nothing but the mouth on his and the hands on his body is he hopes Kurt’s okay with the idea of forever. Because, right now, that’s how long he envisions this lasting.

The End

#klaine #klaine fanfiction #klaine fanfic #blaine big bang 2020 #BBB 2020 #my loves #my stuff #let it be me

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ckret2 · 4 years

Text

So I’ve got a Spotify playlist consisting of the compiled contents of 81 different Alastor-centric playlists, like I just copied the contents of every single playlist I could find with no cultivation, no filtering, and no censoring. The one limitation I put was no duplicates of the same song—although multiple versions of the same song off different albums was allowed.

And since then I’ve been listening to this all-packed-together playlist on shuffle. It’s brought up several comments/questions. Highlights include:

- To every single person that includes a romance song with lines like “baby you’re my angel” or the like: are you a Radiodust shipper actually referring to Angel, or are you a Charlastor shipper referring to Charlie’s “fallen angel” heritage?

- One of you included an entire creepypasta story about the devil talking a man into killing his ex-wife and her lover as part of a 500-step-long plan to conceive the Antichrist and I’m not quite sure why it was on an Alastor playlist but I appreciate the characterization of the devil in it. I guess a creepypasta is kind of a radioplay of sorts? Maybe more Alastor playlists should just have random radioplays mixed in.

- To the person who included half a Kidz Bop album on their Alastor playlist: I’m not judging, I just wanna know why. I want to understand. I really want to understand.

- I respect all you people that included song covers by Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox and I understand where you’re coming from, but like, if you’re not familiar with music genres from before 1990, I suggest you look up which genre a given PMJ cover is trying to emulate, because if you’re stuffing PMJ covers on a playlist specifically to make them “sound like” Alastor’s era or because you’re going for “songs Alastor would like because they sound like what he’s used to,” then a PMJ cover that makes a 1990s song sound like a 1970s song isn’t quite in the right neighborhood.

- There are different philosophies that go into making a character playlist. Some go “the genre has to fit the character’s era and/or personal tastes, whether or not the lyrics do.” Some go “the lyrics have to fit the character, genre be damned.” Some go “these songs were big/popular when I was into this character so that’s what I associated with them.” Some go “these songs are really out there for the canon character but fit my headcanons.” Some people may have totally different criteria I haven’t even thought of! Anyway the point is: when you mix over eighty playlists together, you get every single playlist-making philosophy mixed together, and it’s an exciting experience to listen to.

- And on that note: every single genre on the planet is on this playlist. We’ve got Britney Spears, we’ve got Vocaloid, we’ve got Thomas Sanders (we’ve got a LOT of Thomas Sanders), we’ve got My Chemical Romance, Two Steps from Hell, Barry Manilow, Oingo Boingo, Within Temptation, Madonna, Kesha, Hans Zimmer, ... we’ve got the poppiest pop, emo, metal, electronic, folk, rap, rock, movie soundtracks, TV soundtracks, classical, disco, country, KPop, Carrie Underwood, every single decade for the last 150 years... and I’m deliberately leaving out all the jazz, swing, electroswing, and musicals, because those are a given for Alastor. Obviously those ones dominate the playlist but it’s amazing how much variety there is outside them.

- I’m frankly amazed by how much of this playlist is Thomas Sanders and Bendy and the Ink Machine. Like. It’s a notable quantity.

- That said, actually the playlist doesn’t quite include every single genre. Like, for example: I can tell y’all want to lean into Alastor’s New Orleanian/Louisianan/Creole roots from how many songs I’ve seen that include words like voodoo, Creole, New Orleans, bayou, uhhhh The Princess & the Frog, etc... And yet aside from a few New Orleanian jazz artists so far I have crossed paths with very little Louisianan music compared to, say... Undertale songs. So here. Start with some Cajun, try some Mardi Gras songs, I’m not totally sure how much of this playlist is “actually from Louisiana” and how much is “other people making songs that they think are Louisianan” but try this one anyway, and once you’ve oriented yourself a bit dig in here. I wanna see ten Alastor playlists with one song that includes “Zydeco” in the title or album name, stat. Sure, we know Alastor’s all jazz and swing and musicals, but I sure don’t listen to only three genres, you probably don’t listen to only three genres, and Mr. Radio Guy Whose Public Title Includes The Word “Radio” Who Likes Bursting Spontaneously Into Musical Numbers probably listens to more genres than you and me combined, and those genres probably started with what was local & accessible & common around where he grew up.

- Then again I haven’t listened to this whole playlist yet, sometimes I put it on shuffle and sometimes I put it in alphabetical order to try to slowly work through it from top to bottom (I’ve made it mostly through the C’s) so maybe y’all hid the Cajun & Creole music down in the D’s. But lemme say this: while randomly shuffling through the playlist, I’ve randomly run into multiple Irish drinking songs & shanties, and randomly run into zero zydeco, so like from those of you who follow the “music that sounds like what the character listens to” philosophy of playlist-making, non-jazz Louisianan music could use a lil more representation. If there’s room for twenty-six Billie Eilish songs there’s room for one BeauSoleil song. (I’m partial to “L’ouragon,” but you do you)

- Somewhere in this massive mixed playlist there are three parody medleys of Disney songs rewritten to be like “here are grimdark edgy lyrics about all of the terrible real-world things happening to the cultures depicted in these Disney movies!” and like, okay, I can see why that merits inclusion in an Alastor playlist, his big moment in the pilot was “take an optimistic song worthy of a Disney princess and rewrite it with grimdark edgy lyrics,” but those three songs still annoy the hell out of me because the specific way they frame the concept of their songs is that Disney movies/songs are “full of lies” and these songs reveal the lies. And then it’s things like... “Aladdin got captured and interrogated by the CIA,” which is definitely a thing that happened to a character living in an ambiguous time period that predates the existence of the United States, much less the CIA, much less the CIA’s meddling in the middle east, by several centuries. Disney was definitely lying about the reality of Aladdin’s day-to-day existence by not depicting American imperialism that predates America. Or “the characters in The Princess & the Frog have to deal with the fallout of Hurricane Katrina,” like, yeah, Disney sure is pulling the wool over our eyes by dishonestly denying the devastating consequences the 2005 hurricane had on 1920s New Orleans. Listen the lyrics are clever and all the things they discuss are real salient social issues but it still drives me nuts that the songs are framed like they’re revealing “lies” being told when half of the movies are taking place in (fantasy versions of!) time periods or locations where the issues they’re discussing didn’t apply, if they’d just framed that one line differently— Okay, okay, I’m finished, I’m done, I’ve got it out of my system

- Every single love song makes me go “are you imagining this song with a ship (and if so which ship) or do you just think Alastor would be into this song?” The question goes double for songs from the 20s/30s, because the odds that they added it to their playlist just because they think Alastor would like the song increases.

- On the other hand, if whoever added “A Formidable Marinade” isn’t a Charlastor shipper I will eat my hat. Also nice work on the gory cannibalism sex song.

- Every once in a while I’ll run into a song that makes me go, now how the heck did you end up on an Alastor playlist? Does this song line up with someone’s very specific headcanons and/or fanfic plot? Do they think Alastor would like this song? Did they happen to like the song and like Alastor at the same time and so they associate them with each other? Examples: “I Got You (I Feel Good)”, “iRobot” (is it the emotionlessness of being post-death?? do they headcanon that he’s got radio hardware replacing his guts?? is it a post-breakup ship song??), “Greensleves”, “Barbra Streisand” (the song, not the singer), “Jolene,” “The Last Steampunk Waltz,” “Seven Nights in Eire,” “Cruel Angel’s Thesis,” and the person who included half a Kidz Bop album, please, I just wanna talk—

- Every time I hear a song that includes the words “hell,” “sinner,” “smile,” or “radio,” I go, “Haha. Nice.”

- An incomplete list of songs that amused me for how on point they are: “Hotel California” (how often do you have a fandom where “Hotel California” is actually very blatantly fitting without having to twist through an extended & convoluted metaphorical interpretation?), “The Hunting Song,” “The Axeman’s Jazz,” and “Time Again”

- I sort of hate whoever put “Circus” by Britney Spears in their playlist and made me realize that lyrically it’s a perfect Alastor song because it is.

- *scrolls past six versions of “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows”* Haha. Nice.

- *scrolls past five versions of “It Don’t Mean A Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing)”* Haha. Nice.

- *scrolls past a song from Bambi* Haha. Nice.

- *scrolls past five versions of “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile”* Haha. Nice.

- *scrolls past eleven versions of “Sing Sing Sing”* Haha. Nice.

- What’s with those of y’all putting steampunk songs in Alastor playlists? Listen, listen: steampunk vibes are for Sir Pentious. Swing vibes are for Alastor. Don’t cross the streams. Take your steampunk songs and make Sir Pentious playlists with them. He could use more playlists.

- The playlist includes 39 songs that include “smile” somewhere in the title.

#hazbin hotel #alastor #(how do i tag this. meta on meta? fanmix playlists are inherently meta already but like)#meta

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cancerbiophd · 4 years

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hi, so, I'm finishing my second yr undergrad and I finally decided that I want to be a biochem major, and I rly want to go to grad school immediately after? im just rly overwhelmed and I dont know how to narrow down a list of schools where I want to apply. I figured you'd probably have the best advice & maybe personal experience to talk about? thank you so much for all the info you bestow us with regularly 🥺💓

Hey there! I’m so glad you’ve decided on a major and the trajectory of your career! And I’m also glad you reached out, because I agree the whole process of applying to grad school can be super overwhelming.

Narrowing down a list of grad schools to apply for is definitely going to take lots of time and effort.

But what/who can help:

Your university program/career advisor/counselor may already have some sort of battle-plan from the thousands of previous students who went through the same thing, or at least could offer lots of advice and resources.

If you’re volunteering in a lab or plan to, the PI and lab members would also be a great source of information, especially other grad students. Even if they’re not studying the same program you’re planning on applying to, they still could have lots of wisdom to offer, even if it’s just observing what a day in their life is like.

Related, your TAs are grad students themselves and can offer advice too.

And other grad students you meet like myself! You’re welcome to join the Gradblr Support Group Discord--we have many prospective grads like yourself and have a chatroom dedicated to answering questions like this.

GradCafe is an online forum regarding grad admissions and info about schools. I personally didn’t use it (because I didn’t know it existed), but I’ve heard it can be helpful.

Now, for that list of schools:

First things first, in order to narrow down a list, one must make a list. I recommend using Excel or Google Sheets to start one, and just type all the schools with grad programs you’re interested in in the first column. If you don’t know where to find such a list, an internet search of “universities with _____ phd programs” is a good place to start. You can modify that search term depending on your criteria (like the country you want to study in, or if you want to do a Masters, or MD/PhD, etc). (And if you’re considering between Masters vs PhD, I made a post here talking about the pros and cons. Keep in mind it’s US-centric and STEM-centric though; some countries and some fields (even in the US) require Masters before PhD).

And while you’re making that giant masterlist, you can decide whether to include or exclude universities off the bat, such as geographical location, type of university (large vs small liberal arts), etc.

Once you’ve started your list of schools, you can input criteria in the columns that you want to compare between each school/program. Some ideas include:

Application requirements: such as minimum GPA, recommended undergrad degrees, required standardized tests and minimum scores (some schools are getting rid of requiring the GRE, some want the general GRE AND subject tests; some require language proficiency tests if you’re applying to another country), application costs, etc

Geographical location and everything that comes with it, like weather, an area’s culture, proximity to family, etc

Yearly stipend if applicable, and if you can find it

Cost of living, which is related to the stipend, because some stipends may seem really high, but there may be a really high cost of living)\

Tuition costs if you’re applying for a Masters program, which doesn’t usually include stipends

Grad student funding: for example, my PhD program has whole page on their website dedicated to our internal program funding options

University and program ranking (if that’s important to you)

# of research labs in the program (more labs = more potential choices for your dissertation topic)

Types of research in the program (especially if you’re really interested in something specific)

University resources that are important to you (think about the resources you use the most in undergrad, or wish you had access to)

Notable alumni

Potential career options (like if you want to go into biotech after graduating, maybe being in a biotech-heavy city could be an advantage)

And more as you learn more about these schools and programs through your own research or with talking to other people (like program alumni)

Once you’ve chosen your categories and filled them in for your list of schools, you can start narrowing your list by comparing the criteria that are important to you, with the goal of thinning it down to the amount of schools you’re comfortable and able to apply to.

A few other notes:

There’s no magic number for the # of schools to apply to, but keep in mind that each program’s application is separate (there’s no general “Common App”), and application costs can be upwards of a few hundred dollars each. There may also be “hidden” fees, like the costs for undergrad transcripts and standardized test scores to be sent to each school, the costs for taking those standardized tests, etc. (So it would be a good idea to have a budget sheet as well to keep track of all these fees)

I would advise to have a few “safety” schools so you can basically guarantee an acceptance. More on that here, along with other advice about grad school applications.

I also have a Masterpost of Grad Apps here (though the GRE portion may be outdated, as some schools have removed that as a requirement).

As for my personal experience, I did all that (talking to other grad students and my PI at the time, making a list and narrowing it down, making sure I had safety schools, etc). Geographical location of the schools was an important first-pass criterion for me. I’m from California and Arizona, and my family was living in AZ at the time, so I only applied to schools in those states and Colorado. I was equally interested in Immunology, Microbiology, and Cancer Biology, so I applied to all those programs in I think 6 schools (sometimes more than one application per school). Because I couldn’t decide between those fields, I also applied to umbrella biology PhD programs, which gives you the opportunity to decide which home program to choose following acceptance and lab rotations (more info of the one I eventually went to at University of Arizona here if you want to learn more).

I know that was a long post, but I hope it helped! Best of luck, and if you have any other questions, you know where to find me. My chat is also always open too.

#ayubia #gradblr #grad advice

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thegreenwolf · 4 years

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Note: This post was originally posted on No Unsacred Place in 2011, and then later Paths Through the Forests. I have reposted it to my personal blog at http://www.thegreenwolf.com/blog so I can have more of my writings in one place.

When I’m making artwork, I often enjoy having some music or video going on that I can listen to and watch while I work. The other day I finished up watching Carl Sagan’s Cosmos: A Personal Voyage, which I’ve been watching segments of over the past couple of weeks. For those who haven’t seen it, it is an epic, thirteen-hour-long exploration of the Universe we live in, from the atomic level to the entirety of everything, ranging from the Big Bang itself all the way up to the present day. In each of the hour-long segments, Sagan touches on many diverse sciences, as well as history, sociology, psychology, and other disciplines. He puts into layperson’s terms the processes of evolution, the geologic history of the Earth, and the origin of life on this planet and even of the Universe itself.

What I found most invaluable, though, was how the series gives us perspective of where we fit into the grand scheme of things. Until not too long ago, most cultures had a very human-centric view of reality, where we were at the core, and everything revolved around us in importance. Cosmos is both beautiful and controversial because it shows us how very small we are, but also what amazingly intricate and long-lived processes we are an integrated part of. There were many times throughout the series where I was reminded of just how impossibly vast the Universe is, how very tiny the Earth is, and yet also how we ourselves, and everything else, are made of stars–and just how unlikely was the chance that we and everything else on Earth are here today. As humbling as it is to realize just how tiny our “pale blue dot” is, Cosmos also dedicates time to showing what does make us, as a species, so significant in our knowledge of the Universe. As Sagan said in the introduction to the series, “We are a way for the Cosmos to know itself”.

This is simultaneously humbling and inspirational. Much of human religion and spirituality is so heavily anthropocentric our spiritual cosmologies are largely concerned with the interest the Universe and its denizens have in us, and most of our deities are created in our very human image. Many of us never get further than “Earth” and “Sky” as the primordial, “biggest” concept-deities, because that’s how our ancestors understood it to be.* The celestial bodies we most acknowledge are the Sun and the Moon and our closest planetary cousins, but even astrology primarily concerns itself with how the positions of the stars and planets are important to us humans. And yet the Earth, and the visible parts of the Sky, are minute compared to the immensity they, and we, are a part of. It’s humbling because we find more and more that humans are far from the most important collections of stardust, and also inspiring because with every new discovery in biology, in astrophysics, and in so many other disciplines, there’s so much more we can know and explore about Life, the Universe, and Everything, even as laypeople.

I have, over the years, heard pagans and other such folk complain that there’s no real magic in this world, simply because we can’t do things like shoot fireballs from our fingertips or physically shapeshift or heal life-threatening illnesses with a touch. And yet Cosmos is a perfect illustration of the magic that is inherent to this physical reality. Look at evolution, for example. It is not just the “survival of the fittest”, as many oversimplify it. Rather, it is a many-generations-long progression of tiny shifts and alterations, and somehow one ancestral being has offspring which, over millenia, branch off into many diverse creatures. The phylogenetic Tree of Life is full to overflowing with living and extinct beings that are fascinating, beautiful, and inspirational simply by being themselves, without layering on subjective meaning like totemic lore or other symbolism. Or, on a smaller scale, I like to think about photosynthesis. The chloroplasts in plant cells, which are likely derived from cyanobacteria that formed symbiotic relationships with primitive plant cells, take sunlight and turn it into food. All the food we eat is created from sunlight changed into sugars by photosynthesis–we are eating transformed light waves**. How are these things not magical and miraculous, especially the more we know about them?

Cosmos is a massive journey through many of these manners in which star-stuff has formed over billions of years, and I can’t but think of it as revealing why the physical reality I live in is sacred. “Sacred” means “to inspire awe or reverence”, and with each new piece of knowledge about the Universe I acquire, the more deeply I feel that sacredness. Mythos and folklore and divine inspiration are great and beautiful things in the sphere of human experience, but if we are to understand the roots of those experiences, we need to dig into the (sometimes literal) dirt where those roots are grounded.

I think, perhaps, Cosmos could be in and of itself a ritual tool. Thirteen hours is a long time, and while most pagan rituals last an hour at best, there’s also something to be said for an immersive experience. So here’s a suggestion, whether you’ve seen this series in its entirety already or not: Set aside an entire day where you can be undisturbed, either alone, or with other interested, curious and respectful parties. Get comfortable. And then watch Cosmos from beginning to end. (Take breaks for the bathroom and food as needed, of course, but keep them short.) It will be a lot of information, and you may wish to go back at a later time and watch it over again in smaller segments. But this time, simply open yourself to the flow of information, and see how it affects you and your understanding of the Universe.

It may seem odd, on this nature-spirituality-themed blog, to suggest such long immersion in media. Yet not all media is created equal, and this series is much more information about the Universe than what we can immediately observe on our own, condensed into a few hours. Sitting in front of a television won’t show you the spirit of the land where you live, but it can offer you so much more backstory on its geology and biology and ultimate origin than you could get by watching the denizens of the land interact. It’s a complement to direct experiences with nature, not a replacement, and I see it as inspiration to make more forays out of our homes and into the world around us–and, perhaps, to support more exploration beyond where we can currently go. To know about evolution is one thing, but even scientists best appreciate it when they are able to actually see the plants and animals that resulted. (In fact, some of the most glorious marvels written about nature have been penned by scientists, not about things going on in laboratory settings, but our fellow beings in their own habitats–or the habitats themselves.)

Whether you choose to immerse yourself in a thirteen-hour marathon, or take Cosmos in multiple smaller doses, I encourage you to take what you learn and apply it to your experiences in the world around you. I know for myself that having more of the story has enriched my hikes and rituals outdoors, and I hope this can be a valuable resource for you as well.

* Ancient mythos from various cultures worked with what the people of those cultures knew at the time, with great wisdom but without the benefit of high-powered telescopes and other very helpful technology.

** We are still unable to shoot fireballs from our fingertips. But isn’t it cool that in a way, through photosynthesis, we can eat fire?

Did you enjoy this post? Please consider supporting my work on Patreon, buying my art and books on Etsy, or tipping me at Ko-fi!

#Cosmos #science #naturalist paganism #nature #pagan #mine

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michaeldempsey · 3 years

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The Deep Tech Deficit: Why more people aren't starting technically ambitious companies right now

This is an internal note I sent to a few investors/friends a few months ago.

Over the past 6+ months there seems to have been a noticeable drought in the creation of new deep tech or just broadly technically ambitious companies (ex-biotech). This is a sentiment that has been echo'd heavily from other investors, and has only accelerated with COVID. This became especially noticeable as startup fundraising has massively increased in adjacent areas in H2 2020.

While there isn't a data-driven reason as to why this has occurred (or if it has, indeed occurred) my working hypothesis is three-fold.

1) The maturation of platforms and no clear outbreak of new platforms

After a fervor of excitement surrounding areas like VR, ML, and Robotics from 2014-2018, we've largely seen unabashed excitement die down and be traded with hopeful skepticism. VR was too early and is looking increasingly like a platform that will be subsidized and dominated in early innings by incumbents due to heavy R&D costs.

Machine Learning has shown a commoditization curve that erodes value for much core ML development, while also has been incredibly difficult to implement at scale to build vertical specific companies that accrue value (read our 2019 annual letter for more thoughts on this). ML companies have largely turned into product-centric organizations versus true research engineering orgs, which many investors aren't quite sure how to parse mid to long-term defensibility or economics (see Martin Casado’s wonderful post).

The closest next platforms that people seem to be centering on are AR and Quantum. AR has its own difficulties, again, largely a value accrual in the short-term towards incumbents (Snap, Apple, MSFT) and at the application layer very little differentiation in technology (my view is that most enterprise AR companies are building product orgs with little technical moats and early product UI/UX that will be considered cringey in 2-4 years).

Quantum has a usability problem in addition to a timeline narrative that "this will take awhile and is incredibly capital intensive" so the only vertical use-cases we've seen really have been pharma and finance. In addition, some argue that ML algorithm development has kept pace in lockstep with quantum in reality.

So TLDR, investors need a narrative to drive them towards a Schelling point surrounding "what's next" but can't find consensus.

Again, Computational bio and further on the spectrum, biotech seems to be only area, but has debates around moats and is incredibly hard to parse and pattern match for technology investors.

Thus we default to what we know has killer cash flow dynamics in a time where TAM has materially expanded (SaaS/dev tools/infra), or follow narratives that we want to be (and may be!) true, like social being ready for VC investment again.

2) COVID & Founder Profile: “It's time to build" wasn't meant for deep tech founders.

Founding a company becomes sexy as generational startups scale and with a large amount of money in stock options, employees feel the desire to work on a new problem where they can seek a new form of status, both social and financial (early ESOP or founder title). It's no longer cool to be at the $10B+ tech company and there are hundreds of people at these companies starting funds, syndicates, and companies, so you should too.

Some subset of employees on the technical side look at internal tools that were built and democratize them (think data science teams, but there are tons of examples).

Another subset are PMs and software engineers who read Marc's essay, saw a year of remote work ahead of them and thought "great I can move out of SF, live cheaply and stomach going from $250k/year to $100k/year, and be a Founder.

These people like building software that can quickly be iterated upon and is quite realistic to raise $1-$3M to run at for 24 months. In addition, these people likely feel time pressure because multiple other teams are starting startups similar to their idea. It’s time to build because everyone is building.

Deep/frontier/emerging/whatever we call them tech founders sometimes follow a bit of a different founding story. Many have dedicated 4-10 years of their life becoming an expert in a given industry, or banging their head against the wall in academia, in pursuit of applying a technology to the real world, or bringing some other initially non-sexy technology to production level. The time pressure for these companies and founders could be viewed as less existential, as many companies aren’t speedrunning capital markets for a 12 month seed to series A sprint comprised of MVP -> early pilots -> highly extrapolated MRR/ARR.

Instead, many deep tech companies are operating with a 2-4 year R&D window, hoping to show a step function in technology reality and value creation by month 18 to raise a Series A, where they then start to either begin converting pilots, or testing hypotheses on commercialization over the next 2-4 years.

Candidly, there ain’t that many people signing up for that trajectory.

So when you're a deep tech profile founder (not to be overly prescriptive but often something like PhD/academic, eng/product lead at incumbent R&D group, Engineering at prior deep tech co, Engineering at scaling tech company with material infrastructure innovation, etc.) your calculus is a bit different.

If you're thinking about hardware, you might say, you don't want to deal with the dynamics of having possible supply chain headaches (not as much a concern today vs. 6 months ago), you don't want to deal with dynamics of really not being able to do remote work, and you know VCs are probably a bit risk averse on funding hardware at this stage as a whole. In addition, while customers might have a strong desire if you're automation focused, you won't be able to ship product for another 12 months probably so, why not just wait to see how the election/transfer of power/vaccine timeline shakes out to truly understand the economy in 2021, before starting something that could be de-railed from random economic/geopolitical policy.

Calculating the risk factor and why now of your business. The reality is, you must convince a smaller universe of investors every 12-36 months in the future you believe in and hope to pull forward, so why *now* matters more when these futures are less consensus. So just doing simple calculus, all of these things once again could lead to waiting. Bank your $300k+ salary at bigco through 2020 and see where the world is in 2021. You're operating on a true long-term time horizon so there isn't as much deep desire to uproot your life/family just to build asap.

TLDR - Deep tech founders maybe viewed as slightly less beholden to the time pressures of the market as many are solving previously unsolvable problems. I will say, many do underestimate the commoditization curve they are running up against though.

3) Burn Out

This point is not talked about enough publicly but is a consistent sentiment I’ve noticed over the past few years.

The first wave of "deep tech as a category" really hasn't created many successful businesses yet (we can debate the recent run of SPACs in deep tech on it creating successful outcomes). As you talk to more veterans in this space, many are pretty disenchanted by their past 7+ years of work.

Their friends at Uber, AirBnB, and Stripe are multi-millionaires (some on paper), same with their friends at FAMGA, and they possibly are too but don't really have anything material to point to in the real world. They’ve spent a good chunk of their professional lives to hopefully get swallowed up in an offensive acquisition (Boston Dynamics, Skybox Intelligence, Zoox, Cruise) or early commercialization that is strategic (Kiva, Six River, Blue River), and a bunch more are sitting at these companies that weren’t able to quite deliver on the future they believed in.

I think many are kind of waiting for a "moment" that feels like everything is once again possible. I don't think those moments are obvious in the present, but alas, it's a real sentiment.

I know I’ve painted a fairly jaded point of view on both sides of the market but ultimately I think there are massive tailwinds for all of tech over the next few years and believe COVID has pulled forward some futures we were expecting to take 3+ years.

I’m confident that we will see a high volume of deep tech startup creation over the coming 18 months, but as an investor with a large focus on these types of businesses, it has been interesting to hear how many have felt similarly in 2020 and thus I felt the need to litigate *why* this was happening.

#frontier technology #deep tech #venture capital #startups #robotics #ARVR

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himikochan · 4 years

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SJW Handbook and Advice - CHICAGO-CENTRIC

Hello everyone I’ve been compiling info for protesters and non-protesters for Chicago and I thought I’d share it here. It’s copy and pasted from a few different posts but it’s somewhat comprehensive and draws on a lot of ideas I’ve seen circulating. Not all of this info is Chicago-specific, but I do talk about local laws in Chicago and bail funds in Chicago.

SAFETY AND GOOD CONDUCT AT A PROTEST

-Tear gas: the agent in tear gas that's painful, lachrymator, binds to water molecules. It's so effective because it gets into your throat/lungs/eyes and also binds to the moisture on your skin. If you suspect tear gas might be used at a protest [which honestly you should just guess now], you should try to make sure as much of your body is covered as possible- wear long sleeves and pants and try to cover your hair. If possible, have gloves and goggles or sunglasses handy. When you are exposed to tear gas, try to get a wet cloth against your face ASAP- the moisture on the cloth will bind to the lachrymator and prevent it from getting inside of you. Pour water on a bandana or mask and try to keep it as close to your body as possible. Walk away from the cloud of gas ASAP- and before you go inside your home, try to stuff your clothes into a bag [wash them in 4-5 days when the lachrymator isn't as reactive anymore]. Take a shower as soon as possible and try to wash your hair 2-3 times- some people have told me that you should take a cold shower. If you are directly exposed to lachrymator and it gets in your eyes/mouth/nose, rinse with milk or a water/baking soda solution ASAP. Lachrymator is a very unstable molecule and either of those is pretty effective at neutralizing it.

-IF you're in a position to try and take care of a tear gas canister [if you've come prepared with a traffic cone, water, a mask, and goggles- or you're reckless as shit] cover it with a traffic cone. That will trap the fumes. Then pour as much water as you can into the traffic cone, hopefully it will put out the fuse inside the canister. PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHEN ATTEMPTING TO DO THIS- and do some more research on how to do it properly. I have not personally had a chance to use this tactic.

-The cops may have vans with IMSI catchers and/or cell phone jammers: IMSI catchers gather information about you and cell phone jammers prevent you from being able to use your phone. Carry a watch, make an exit plan with a vehicle/public transit OUTSIDE of the area where the protest is happening, and sharpie the phone number of an emergency contact on your body. There may come a time where you want to shut off your phone- even if you don't get detained, knowing there is a friendly phone number you can access will make you feel better. Be careful about taking pictures of fellow protesters’ faces- the police are using pictures on social media to target protesters after the fact. UPDATE: I just saw another post about IMSI catchers/stingray stuff. They suggest leaving your phone at home because turning your phone off is a break in your normal patterns and can be used in a prosecution. They suggest using a burner phone- this might be the way to go if you live in a city where IMSI stuff is confirmed. SECOND UPDATE: Imperfect protection measures STILL DO SOME GOOD. There are plenty of reasons you can be in a position where you need your cell phone on you and turning off your location services and/or putting on airplane mode for a time may still do you some good!!! IMSI catchers rely upon being the strongest signal in an area [cells automatically connect to whatever seems to be the strongest signal carrier]. From what I understand IMSI catchers have a limited range and basically a max capacity of how many phones they can support while still being the strongest signal in a given area. So for large protests, they'd need to deploy a lot of trucks with IMSI catchers to collect lots of data about crowds. IN MY PERSONAL PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE, which is not universal and may be out dated information, the Chicago police tend to use cell phone jammers [which prevent you from getting a signal at all]. This way they can try to stop protesters from calling/texting each other- make an out strategy with the people accompanying you about where to rendezvous if you're separated. Here is a little information regarding IMSI catcher use in Illinois."The law permits law enforcement agencies to use CSS devices only to locate, track the location of, or identify a communications device—in other words, they cannot configure them to capture the content of any communications. [...] Is CPD abiding by state law rules? It is impossible to say without any record-keeping or audits. CPD has not responded to our most recent FOIA request for information about any new policies, procedures, or records on its use of this technology, so we can only assume that it has not developed any."

-That being said: many capabilities of your phone rely upon knowing where you are to work. So IMSI catchers aren't the only thing you need to worry about.

-If you're able, bring water and some first aid supplies [such as gauze, tape, antibacterial cream, saline solutions, gloves, wipes etc] for fellow protesters [and maybe snacks]. Even at past tepid protests, I've seen fellow protesters fall into glass or hurt themselves trying to climb into higher ground just to see. If you don't know how to administer first aid for things like lacerations, ASK FOR HELP. Many protests have people trained to help and we're all in this together. You might want to read this thread on gunshot wounds, it's better to loosely know what you're supposed to do, just in case. Learn to apply a tourniquet- hint, it’s not just putting a belt around someone’s leg. The snacks are to keep everyone’s spirits up and remind us that we’re in this TOGETHER.

-Running is easier with a backpack than a messenger bag, wear comfortable shoes, and have something to write with. The mood might strike you to change your sign a bit,

-If you’re protesting in an area that isn’t close to where you live, try and reach out to someone that lives in the area. You may need to get out quickly and no way to get home and need a safe house- in Chicago, the mayor instituted a curfew from 9pm-6am at 9:04 tonight after the city had blocked every bridge and shut down public transit. Protesters are now basically locked into our downtown area with no way to get home and the police are allowed to detain anyone outdoors.

-Check in with other protesters. Do your best to maintain social distancing, but try to make sure that your fellow protesters are not lagging behind due to injury or something else. Solidarity is the goal above all else.

Lori Lightfoot has kept the curfew in place and Chicagoans are expected off the streets between 9pm-6am until further notice unless they have an "essential job". Public transit has been stopped altogether in many areas- so if you have to go out, book enough time for you to walk there and back.

Here are some important reminders of your rights- if your are arrested, stopped in you car, and what to do with your phone. PLEASE READ THEM FOR YOUR SAFETY. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS.

IF YOU ARE STOPPED:

-In Chicago, the police are permitted to ask your name and address and other questions (to determine if you are involved in a past/present crime). I believe you only NEED to give them your name, regardless of how many questions they ask you.

-You should refresh yourself on how to properly invoke your right to remain silent. Remember to ask “Am I under arrest/being detained?” If they say yes, you HAVE to say “I’m invoking my right to a publicly provided lawyer, and my right to remain silent.” SAY EXACTLY THAT- variations of that phrase are NOT always effective and the cops will use any opportunity they can to undermine your rights and not give you a lawyer. YOU MUST STAY SILENT- otherwise you’re technically waiving your right to remain silent and MUST EXPLICITLY re-invoke your right when you’re done talking for it to apply.

IF YOU ARE STOPPED FOR QUESTIONING:

-Police may “pat-down” your clothing if they suspect a concealed weapon. The ACLU says do not physically resist, but make it clear that you don’t consent to any further search.

IF YOU ARE STOPPED IN YOUR CAR:

-Upon request, show them your driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. In certain cases, your car can be searched without a warrant as long as the police have probable cause. To protect yourself later, you should make it clear that you do not consent to a search. It is not lawful for police to arrest you simply for refusing to consent to a search.

ON THE TOPIC OF UNLOCKING YOUR PHONE:

I haven't found any hard and fast rules about whether or not you have to unlock your phone if you are held by the police. A Vox article from February 2020 says "If your phone is protected by a passcode or biometric unlocking features, there’s a chance cops can’t gain access to your personal data. But that’s not guaranteed. [...] But if your phone is locked with a passcode and law enforcement can’t hack into it, the Fifth Amendment may be your friend. Essentially, the Fifth Amendment says you can’t be compelled to give self-incriminating testimony. [...] Testimony, in this case, is defined as revealing the contents of your own mind. Therefore, civil rights advocates say, the government can’t force you to tell them your phone’s password." But this is still being played out in the courts- there's tons of pending cases and no real precedence for this on either side.

Freedom.press in an April 2020 article says "If you are arrested or taken into police custody, you should verbally state that you do not consent to a search of your devices. A law enforcement agency is only permitted to conduct a warrantless search of your device if a compelling case for an emergency can be made." There's a lot of potentially useful information in their article, which I will link in the comments.

REMEMBER- cops are easily protected most of the time for infringing on our rights regarding being searched if it could be considered "reasonably" legal for them to do so [even if it isn't]. Saying "I want a lawyer, dog" does not invoke your right to an attorney, being silent does not invoke your right to remain silent, if you do not verbally refuse to be searched your silence is taken as consent to be searched. The limited dissemination of information on the legality of searching a phone could protect them if they coerced/forced you to unlocking your phone.

If you are in Chicago and see a post/event about protesting today or tomorrow [June 1st]. DO RIGHT BY YOURSELF AND MAKE SURE IT'S A REAL PROTEST.

I've heard that some VERY suspicious people are putting together a BLM protest in Chicago tomorrow. These people are NOT experienced organizers, NOT affiliated with BLM Chicago, and NOT known to anyone in the Chicago organizing/protesting communities.

We KNOW that a lot of the rioting and looting in other cities were begun and propagated by the police and white supremacist groups [not by protesters or ordinary citizens]. We do not know if these people are cops, white supremacists, or just irresponsible folx, but it could very well be a trap to escalate violence, incarcerate allies, and justify the Mayor granting more restrictions on the city.

The source I saw was for the purpose of organizing medics to deal with the inevitable fall out, but protect yourself and your fellow protestors by not going to this sham event.

Hello everyone- protesting not your cup of tea? That's okay! Protesting is the showiest part of being an active citizen and activist, but it's by no means the most important part.

Below, I'll be posting links for people that need your money AND non-monetary ways you can help.

-If you know people protesting in your area, offer them a place to clean up afterwards and possibly crash if public transit is closed off. If you can safely offer them a shower and a place to change clothes- that can make a huge difference. It could help them evade being targeted by the police on the way home, buy them time to get home without being part of a crowd, and they may need a place to wash off residual tear gas or pepper spray [or the blood of a comrade]

-If there are protests in your area and you have extra supplies [water, pre-packaged snacks, materials for signs, gloves, first aid kits, masks, etc], you can hand them off to a protester OR leave them in a place they'll find them with a note.

-Be wary showing the faces of protesters on your social media or having them saved online. Be mindful about who you're sharing details of a protest or protesters with and try to do your best about sharing accurate information about donations. One of the bail funds in another city recently had someone set up a fake venmo account under the name of the bail fund and many people donated to it, believing they were helping bail people out.

-Your friends with small businesses may want help or need supplies boarding up their windows- most protesters are avoiding small businesses when things turn sour [and in fact, most looting and rioting appears to trace back to undercover cops and white supremacists right now] but it's still a good idea to close up shop if you can. See if anyone needs help securing their business. .-Make fliers about properly administering first aid, basic rights regarding being detained/questioned/arrested, and phone numbers of local communal bail funds.

-Many people who were on the fence about BLM, police brutality, and protesting are beginning to see the truth of it all now that the pandemic has forced us to confront racial/ethnic and class inequality. We have more allies than we did before- make sure to give them the toolkit necessary to enacting change.

Protesters need funds in so many places right now:

-Chicago Communal Bail https://chicagobond.org/

-ACLU Illinoishttps://www.aclu-il.org/en/donate

-BLM Chicago https://www.blacklivesmatterchicago.com/donate/

-The Family of George Floyd https://www.gofundme.com/f/georgefloyd

-Minnesota Freedom Fund https://minnesotafreedomfund.org/

-ACLU Minnesota https://www.aclu-mn.org/en/donate

-The Bail Project https://bailproject.org/

#BLM #BLM Chicago #Chicago #Protest #Protests #Protesting Advice #advice #just advice from your local Nikkeijin thats been protesting since they could walk

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